#and now i'm home? smoking in my bed alone ? etc etc

[jlf23tumble]

Hello! Merry Christmas! Hope you’re having a splendid day.

I messaged you a bit ago telling you I may give Larry lore a go when I had time and TikTok made my decision for me. I am typically a pretty skeptical person, but as aforementioned I am gay so I did pick up on enough undertones in Louis’ lyrics alone to find it worth my while to pay attention further.

I came across an “unreleased” Louis song called All Along, and it seems to be legitimate. I was wondering if you had any thoughts on it, either its reliability as a true song or its meaning. If the evidence in the video for it is also real and he never saw Ed Sheeran with anyone else in Manchester, that would almost seal the deal for me haha.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and enjoy your holiday!

Awww, thanks for sending this! I got sick for Christmas (part of volunteering and worth it), but I'm bouncing back--appreciate the kind words, and I hope you're doing well, too! I think you can pick up a LOT in Louis's lyrics, not just songs, like, full albums, lmao. I haven't seen the video for All Along, but I've heard it and read the lyrics, and yeahhhhhhhh, HEARD, CHEF

[emilyssky]

Chapter 7: In For It

PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader

GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst

WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)

SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"  

"What?"

"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine. "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."    

Things are starting to get out of control and the game has turned into something completely different. Changbin was gone by the time I came back from the bathroom cause apparently Lia was not feeling well, so he drove her home. Emma and Seungmin have given up on the game and are making out on the couch, completely ignoring us and the rest of us are utterly drunk at this point.  We continue to play nevertheless but the rules are probably none existent right now. Questions and dares are being asked around and everything is starting to become messy.

"Okay, no. That's not happening." Chan answers before I have the chance to.

"Chan-"

"Nope. You're drunk and you're not taking your shirt off." He throws Jisung a dirty look, who simply lifts his shoulders in defense.

"She dared me to go to the balcony and twerk for a whole minute in my underwear. It's only fair." Jeongin pouts.

I giggle at his expression. "I don't mind." I reach for the ends of my shirt, about to peel it off my body. Chris instantly moves to stop my hands but it's the low growl of my name from his lips that made me stop.

"You're not wearing a bra stupid," Chan whispers annoyed.

I slap my hand over my mouth. "Oops."

Jisung laughs, shaking his head. "I think it's time to call it a night."

I look around; Felix is sleeping beside him, well passed out probably, Emma and Seungmin are basically fucking in front of us, and Hyunjin-

"I think Hyunjin's going to be-" I didn't even finish my sentence before Hyunjin vomited all over the floor in front of him. "...sick"

"Fuck." Chris sighs, already on his feet.

Jisung gets up, not looking Hyunjin's way twice. "I'll bring the mop."

Chan pulls Hyunjin's head back, laying him down on his side. "Okay buddy, hold on."

"Great once again, we have no way to get home."  I groan.

Seungmin lifts himself off of the couch with Emma wrapped around his waist. They make their way up the stairs without breaking the kiss for a split second or even sparing a glance at us.

"Excellent." I groan again.

"You can stay here." Jeongin offers casually. "We have space."

"We don't," Minho says, his tone cold and sharp.

"Yeah, we do," Jeongin continues nevertheless, his gaze avoiding his friend, looking around almost nervously. "We all have double beds."

Minho's eyes stay fixated on him, narrowing slightly until he turns to Chan, who's trying to wake up Hyunjin with no luck. "Do you need help taking them home?"

Chan rubs his hands over his face, thinking. "I'll have to take Felix and Hyunjin back to the frat and then Y/n back to her place since I'll be staying here tonight."

"That's basically back and forth. Just take them back to the frat and I'll take the girls." He offers, with his face, expressionless.

Chan looks between me and Minho, and I can almost see all his thoughts clouding his head. "She's drunk, I don't feel okay about leaving her alone."

"I'm completely fine, thank you very much."I try to stand up, but I stumble over my own two feet. His arms come up around me for support as I reach him, but he doesn't even glance down at me, his eyes are on Minho.

"You don't have to worry. Plus you've been drinking as well." He points out with a natural face, unbothered by the way Chan's looking at him. "I've only had like 2 shots."

It takes him a few seconds but to my surprise he sighs, "Fine."

"But I don't wanna go yet," I quickly whine.

"Is Emma gonna stay here?" He asks Chan, both of them ignoring me.

"It looks like it."

"Come on." Minho's hand comes around my arm, pulling me away from Chan's comfort. His rough grip makes me stumble, losing my balance due to the dizziness of my mind and the numbness of my limbs, but I feel his palm on my back and my eyes shoot up to his, I sober up immediately.  

"Do you need any help?" Jeongin gets up from the couch.

Minho steels. "No, it's fine I got it."

"You sure?" He presses, taking a step towards us.

I feel his grip tightening on my arm, his sharp breath hitting the side of my head.

I clear my throat, noticing the sudden tension, and move away from his grip before he says anything back. "I'll be fine." I pull Jeongin into a quick hug. "I'll see you."

I grab my purse and jacket from the back of the couch, just when Jisung appears with a mop and a bucket in his hands.

"Are you leaving?" His face falls a bit.

"I don't want to." I pout back. "They're kicking me out."

"Let's go." Minho appears behind me, pushing me forward lightly and I send him a glare. "I don't have all night."

"Where are you going?" Jisung asks him.

He answers without looking at him, "I have to take her home."

"You don't 'have to' do anything, you offered actually. I can gladly call a cab." I turn around, not realizing just how close behind me he was.

"You're a child." He says with no emotion on his face.

"And you're an asshole." I fire back, getting annoyed. I never asked him to take me home. "I think I rather someone else take me!" I move past him, try to actually but his fingers wrap around my arm, sharply pulling me back.

"I said I'm taking you home. Now, get your ass out the door." He says, keeping his tone low.

"You don't tell me what I can and can't do." I take a few steps forward, tilting my head upwards to look at him. I take a look over his shoulder, noticing Jisung helping Chan with Hyunjin and Jeongin being nowhere to be found. "But I don't wanna cause yet another scene because of you and I'm tired. " I look back at him. "That's the only reason I'm walking out the door."

A smirk creeps into his lips. "Sure."

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His car is a black Jeep and it's surprisingly clean. No condoms or bags from fast food places are thrown on the ground.

"Seatbelt." His raspy voice echoes through the small space. I feel chills running down my arms partly from the cold yet I do as he says, and put my seatbelt on. It's hard not to let my eyes linger on his side profile as he starts the car and drives out of his parking spot, silently admiring how perfectly calm all of his features are yet how strong and sharp. It's rare to see any intense emotion painting his face, the only source that proves he is not a robot, is his eyes. The corners of his mouth lift slightly, letting me now that I've been caught. Fuck, I'm too drunk for this, and the more I stare at him the harder the realization that he's undeniably handsome hits me, so I focus my eyes on the road, instead.

"Just so you know I tend to talk a lot when I drink," I speak up, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"Oh, I know." A small smirk appears.

Heat rises to my cheeks as the memories of the first time we met come to my mind. I wonder how he remembers me? I wonder if he thought about that night just as much as I've thought about it. I shake my head and force the questions down my throat. He obviously doesn't care, but still for some reason my nerves grow just like the silence between us, and my leg starts to bounce up and down.

"Stop."

I turn to him confused but he keeps his eyes on the road. His right hand move from the wheel to my knee, forcing it to a stop and the action is so fast and smooth that makes me suck a breath. His hand doesn't move, it lingers over the top of my knee for a few more seconds until it starts sliding slowly down my thigh. I don't breath, I don't dare to, not until his fingers finish brushing their way to the top off my thigh like a feather, only a few inches away from where I'm now suddently craving them to be.

"Why are you nervous?" His smirk grows, probably sensing who tense I am.

'I'm not ' is what I should answer but my mind is a blurry mess, a shit tone of questions are about to slip out of my mouth before I can stop them and the confidence that the alcohol in my system offers me doesn't help.

"Cause there's so much I wanna say but I know I shouldn't." I say instead.

His features still for a split second and his eyes turn to me. It looks like he thinks about his answer as well but after a few seconds, he says. " Why shouldn't you?"

I chuckle. "Cause it's a waste of time."

His eyebrows come together. "Why?"

"Cause you don't wanna talk to me. For some reason, you decided to not like me." I say before I can't stop myself. "And normally I wouldn't care, but I have been nothing but nice to you. A lot of times I come off as rude or cold, cause I'm just a bit closed off, I guess you can say." I turn to him. "But I have been so nice to you," I say again, raising my tone but smiling a bit. I don't know why, but I'm smiling.

He stops at a red light and turns to face me, resting his head back on the seat. His eyes are glistening under the dim light of the headlights.

I tilt my head, almost hypnotized. "Do you know that your eyes sparkle?"

His face twitches with interest. A rare sight. "What?"

I giggle bringing my knee up and resting my head on it, my eyes not leaving his. He tilts his head as well, looking at me like his searching for something and I'm waiting for him to talk. He lets out a sigh and bites his lip, his eyes studying my face. I wanna save this moment in my memories exactly how it is but I'm afraid that my drunken mind won't remember it clearly. I like that he's looking at me. And I like that we're not talking. I feel comfortable and peaceful. I could stay like this for hours. My mind blurry, unable to think or worry about anything. No anxiety, no emotions making me physically sick, just silence. My body relaxed, not pressured to dance a certain way or look a certain way. My mouth close, not trying to keep up with conversations or entertain anyone. Simply staying still and being looked at by him without saying a single word.

"I like this moment," I whisper, my thoughts out loud. The light has turned green but he doesn't seem to care, we're alone on the road anyway.

He hesitantly raises his hand, the action so familiar in the most intense and unsettling way that  I close my eyes, mechanically.

"Open your eyes." He demands gently.

My eyes open, to meet his again but now with a different kind of light in them. Hard but soft, full of suppressed emotion. He brings his hand to the side of my head, tugging my hair behind my ear.

"You never have to close your eyes around me." He rubs his thumb over my cheek, my skin tingling underneath it. "I don't ever wanna see you flinch or cover your face when you're with me 'cause every time you do you push me closer to pulling up to that motherfucker's house and making sure he won't have fingers to lay on another female ever again." He says, his eyes darkening with each word and I can feel my heart warm. Warm by his words, warm by the way he's looking at me and touching me.

I nibble at my bottom lip, trying to cover up my smile unsuccessfully.  "Are you bipolar?"  At that, his face breaks into a smile, his perfect teeth on display.  "No really, I'm curious, 'cause man you're confusing me."

He shakes his head, his bright smile slowly fading until it turns into a sad one. "What am I gonna do with you?" He whispers and I feel like he's talking more to himself rather than me.

"You're gonna drive me home, " I answer either way. "And we're gonna forget that this happened. You're gonna go back to you either being a dick to me just to get my attention or ignoring my whole existence until we get drunk and can be real with each other again." I say, trying to keep my eyes from closing.

The wave of comfort that suddenly came with the softness of his words and overall presence hits me hard. I feel his tender touch slide from the side of my face and I swear he said something but my brain had shut off and sleep took over me before I had the chance to hear what.

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Tomorrow is the first official day of our winter break and normally, since it's Sunday night we would celebrate all together but somehow it's 9 p.m and I'm alone in my apartment, getting ready to binge-watch the Harry Potter movies for the 100th time. Hyunjin has made plans with Jisoo, Felix is hanging out with Changbin at the frat, probably watching some stupid basketball game and Emma has a date with Seungmin. And when I say date, I mean a fancy-ass dinner date, that I hope will make their relationship official. Chan's with Jisung at the studio but I'm not really in the mood to join them, so I decided to stay inside, which I've been craving actually. It's been a while since I've had a night to myself but 2 hours in and I've already regretted it. Being alone comes with having none but your own thoughts to keep you company and that is one thing I desperately wanna avoid. The thoughts about me, the thoughts about him. Thinking in general. Ever since we started hanging out with Chan's friends I've been constantly stepping out of my comfort zone. I went from staying inside every single day to going out every single weekend. I don't regret it though, I'm grateful for meeting them. I've really grown to like hanging out with them and I can see that Hyunjin, Emma, and Felix feel the same way, it's just that everything has been happening so fast, that I need to take a step back and collect myself a bit. I feel my head being all over the place, especially with everything that's happening with Minho. It's been definitely a while since I gave any man a single time of my day, let alone allow him to conquer my every thought the way that he does. I've been forcing myself not to think that much into anything about him but each time he will do something or say something that will just completely throw away all my logical thoughts and self-control. I have no idea how he sees me or what are his thoughts about us; if there's even an 'us' to begin with. I try to push the thoughts about him to the back of my head as I wrap my arms around my body tighter. I push the door of the convenience store, hearing the 'ring' sound echo throughout the store.

"Hey, Y/n." Nick greets me with a smile for his position behind the counter.

"Hi." I return the smile and walk further into the store, finding my way down the all-too-familiar hallway. I stand in front of the limited wine collection, searching for my favorite bottle of red wine but instead, I throw my head back and a small groan escapes me as I realize they're out.

"Great..." I mumble to myself.

"Y/n?"

My head snaps to the left, seeing Jeongin standing towards the end of the hall. A few beers, a bag of chips, and my favorite bottle of wine in his hands. With his face half-hidden inside his hood, he walks towards me.

I narrow my eyes a bit, focusing on the bottle in his hands. "You stole my favorite wine."

My words make him pause slightly and he looks down at his hands and then at the shelf.

"Sorry, but it's my favorite too." He half-smiles.

I take a deep breath. "Look it's been a long day and I really need to chill, watch a movie, and drink my comfort wine." My incredibly horrible mood begins to make an appearance, yet his smile doesn't falter.

"Well, someone's grumpy." He jokes.

"Yes, someone is."

"Well, it's been a long day for me as well. " He walks towards me. " And I wanna drink my wine and watch the game."

I groan in his face and he lets out a laugh. "Come on, Jeongin please."

My eyes must have really looked desperate cause his smile grew a little in the few minutes of silence.  "Fine let's make a deal then." He offers.

I cross my hands. "I'm listening."

"We'll share." He smirks.

"I'm not watching basketball." I shake my head.

He rolls his eyes, taking a few seconds to think. "You like movies?"

On any other occasion, I would completely avoid any offer by a guy to watch movies and drink in my apartment but tonight I don't let myself think too much. The truth is that I need company to distract me from my thoughts that are eating me alive and also a few glasses of my favorite wine. If these two options come in a package deal with Jeongin, then so be it.

I let my lips form a smile. "Obviously. "

"Your place or mine?" He smiles back.

There's no way I'm going over to that house, with all the guys there. It's not gonna end well and I really need to relax tonight. I don't want the tension that comes with seeing Minho right now.

"Mine."

"Cool." He walks past me.

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"It's not fair, I should have paid half," I whine for probably the 10th time, taking a seat next to him on the couch. It does feel a little bit weird to have a guy, besides my Hyunjin, Felix, and Chan, sitting comfortably in my living room, but nothing about Jeongin is or feels uncomfortable. In fact, our whole way back from the store was filled with easy-flowing conversation and the second he entered my apartment he acted as if he's been here many times before.

"It's whatever. " He brushes me off. "Just buy me coffee next time and we're even." He makes himself comfortable on my couch, spreading his arm at the back and letting his tall body lean backwards, fully relaxed.

I set the bowl of popcorn and the bottle of wine along with two glasses on the coffee table in front of us before taking a seat next to him. I keep a little amount of space between our bodies, my small couch not really helping, and grab a blanket, throwing it over my bottom half, trying to get comfortable as well.

"So what are we watching?" He pulls the blanket over to cover his legs as well. I can't help but giggle at how he tries to fit his tall body under the blanket, pulling it all to his side, leaving me completely bare.

"This is not gonna work." I shake my head.

His lips are in a loose smile, his eyes big, almost puppy-like looking back at me. He opens the side of the blanket, a silent offer for me to scoop a bit closer to him.

And so I do, without much thought. "You like Harry Potter?"

"Who doesn't?" He mumbles with his mouth already filled with popcorn.

I press play and grab my glass of wine.

. . . .

It was unexcepted honestly, how addictive his company was becoming each minute passing, or how fun. Even though I've never hung out with Jeongin one on one, it surprised me how comfortable and at ease I felt. His whole presence was like a light breeze, so easy going and smooth. Throughout the movie, he made jokes or comments, opening conversations effortlessly about the scenes or the movie in general, and the conversation continued to flow even after the movie ended. It felt easy getting to know him, from his upbringing to his first year of college, he talked to me like an open book. His dreams of becoming a singer and his passion for any form of art were no surprise to me but I didn't expect just how driven he is by his love for music. He talked about the rest of the guys and everything they're currently working on with stars in his eyes. I was a bit hesitant to offer him the same honesty he did to me but the hesitation didn't last very long and I found myself talking more than I've had in a long, long time. I purposely avoided sensitive topics and focused on my own journey with dance, what I really wanna do,my hopes and dreams along with a few small details about myself that I never really thought anyone would like to listen about yet he kept his eyes on me the whole time, listening patiently.

"Was it painful?"

He shakes his head with a small, sad smile. "Awfully painful, but worth it. She was my first love."

"My first love," I start already feeling heavy but the mention of him. "was awfully painful as well, but if I could go back, I would tell myself to run as far away from him as possible."

"Cheated?" He tries to guess.

"The cheating was the least painful part." The truth behind my words, so loud, that it made my chest tighten.

He nods lightly, his eyes moving all over my face, noticing the sudden sadness. "Love can be painful, but partly that's the beauty of it."

I look at him, my head tilting, intrigued. "What do you mean?"

"What's the point to be loved if not getting hurt as well?" He continues, with the same softness in his gaze. "Pain is a reminder that the love was real."

It's hard to not let the wave of emotions that came with his words take over me completely and It's hard not to break down in tears in front of him.

"But what if the pain never stops?" I whisper, my breath trembling.

His face softens even more. "It will. It will take time but it will go away, and you will heal. Maybe by yourself or maybe with the help of someone else."

I blink, feeling a tear rolling down my cheekbone but before I have time to catch it, his thumb comes up and gently slides across my face. My eyes shoot to his, facing nothing but pure understanding in his gaze.

"I think it's time to call it a night." He softy says, dropping his hand from my face. His body stays close to mine and I stay almost frozen. "I don't want you to get all emotional on me."

I smile at his attempt to joke the intensity of the conversation away, as he lifts himself off my couch.

"Thank you for the company." I lean against the doorway, as he adjusts his jacket.

"Anytime." He winks. "Come by the studio tomorrow, with that coffee you owe me."

A playful scoff escapes me, his flirty personality already growing on me.

"Maybe, I will."

My answer seems to satisfy him enough cause his face breaks into one last smile. "Goodnight, Y/n."

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I love cold weather. I love the rain, the snow, the wind. I love feeling cold and wearing layers and layers of clothes. Today is one of those days and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm wearing a pair of baggy black jeans and a black turtle neck with my leather jacket and a huge scarf on top as I make my way to the studio. I had completely forgotten that I made plans with Chan to meet at the studio at 11 am. It's now 1:14 pm and prepare myself mentally as I open the studio door.

"I'm so sorry" I apologize the minute I lock eyes with Chan, his face dead serious.

"I'm changing my best friend to Felix, that's it." He turns his back on me. He's sitting in his chair as usual, while Jeongin, jisung, and Changbin are sitting on the couches. I offer them a nod with a smile and find myself scanning the room for any sight of him but I find none.

"First of all. Felix is your best friend and second I slept late I'm sorry." I spin his chair around. He crosses his hands, keeping his face straight. "I'm here aren't I?" I pout.

He lets out a breath. "Fine, you're forgiven." He says and I grin at him, satisfied.

"I swear sometimes you guys act like a married couple." Jisung appears at my side passing Chan some papers.

I elbow him playfully at which he laughs. "What are you guys working on?" I ask, making eye contact with Jeongin, across the room. He offers me a small smile, and I can't help but smile back. I didn't want to admit it but when he left yesterday, my small apartment felt a tiny bit bigger and a little more empty. It's been a while since I enjoyed someone's company that much.

"We've finally finished the song." Changbin stretches his hands. "So 4 more to go."

"Oh my god, can I hear it?" I say getting excited.

"Sure. Hold on a sec" Chan nods. I turn around walking towards the couch to sit with the guys when the door opens.

"Hannie, I couldn't find apple juice anywhere, so I grabbed orange juice instead." Minho enters the studio, holding a bottle of orange juice. He stops in his tracks, as we stand almost face to face, my expression probably mirroring his. He seems a bit lost, definitely not prepared to see me but he recovers quickly, eyes blinking the shock away and face shifting into his usual bored-looking expression.

"Why are you here again?" He sighs.

I blink back at him, forcing myself to look away, and forcing the memories of the last time we saw each other that immediately rush into my mind with only a glance at his face, away. His tone was expected honestly, but I was kinda hoping that something would have changed between us. Nothing much, nothing major, but just a little something.

"Who's Hannie?" I clear my throat, looking at the guys.

"Oh, I'm Hannie." Jisung grabs the bottle from Minho. "My last name's Han."

"Oh." I nod a few times, focusing my eyes on him as I feel Minho staring at me, not moving. "That's cute. Can I call you Hannie too?"

"No, you can't,"  Minho mumbles and walks past me, taking a seat on the couch. Clearly, nothing has changed.

"Where's my coffee sunshine?" Jeongin grins at me, changing the subject, completely and I can't help but I get a feeling that he somehow sensed my discomfort.

"Shit." I slap my forehead. "I completely forgot, I'll go grab one right now."

"What coffee?" Changbin looks between us, confused. From the way everyone's looking at us I'm guessing that Jeongin didn't tell them that we hang out yesterday. I make eye contact with Minho, waiting for Jeongin to speak up. For some reason, I can't bring myself to say anything.

"Oh, Y/n and I hang out last night."

Minho's face immediately twitches.

"I met her when I went out to grab a few beers, and since we both had nothing to do we went back to her place and watch a movie."

The words make him inhale a deep breath through his nose. His tongue makes a circle on the inside of his cheek and the over his teeth, while he slowly leans forward, resting his hands on his knees. I can't help the small smirk that sneaks into my lips and the satisfaction that I feel seeing him trying to contain his annoyance. His eyes are completely still, focusing on me, not even blinking. And then, in a split second something shifts, as if a flame of anger passes through them, and then it's gone, leaving only a small smile on his dark pink lips. A dark smile that sends chills down my spine and makes my pulse raise in a fucking second. It's almost like something crossed his mind cause he drops my gaze and leans back taking his bottom lip between his thumb and index finger.

I clear my throat. "Yeah and h-he paid so, I offered to buy him coffee today." My face feels hot and Minho's eyes snap back to mine when he hears me shutter. I thought that I had the upper hand but right now I feel completely and utterly controlled by him. His eyes shine in the most challenging way.

Come on, Y/n focus.

"Chan, do you want a coffee?" I turn to him.

"Yes, please." He throws his head back.

"Great, I'll be right back." I move towards the door, but his voice stops me dead in my tracks.

"I'm coming, I want on too."

"I'll grab it for you, you don't have to come." I mumble, but he's already off the couch and walking towards me.  

"I'll help you carry them." He says and it's not until his back is fully facing the rest of the guys that he lets his expressionless face fall into a smirk.

Fuck me.

"Minho grab one for me too." Jisung smiles and Minho lifts his eyebrows at me, the smirk not leaving his face. I sigh and walk out the door, not waiting for him. I can already feel the sweat building on my palms, my stomach turning and my heart rate rising but I continue to walk down the hall. I hear the studio door close and Minho's footsteps approaching me. Fast, maybe too fast. And then the air is knocked out of my chest as he grips my jacket and pulls me backwards so hard that my back colliding with his front was almost audible.

His sharp laugh vibrates on my back. "A movie huh?" He says, his voice sounding almost careful. As if he's trying to control himself. And that gives me a little boost. I take a breath collecting myself and masking my face. I turn to look at him, not moving my body.

"And wine" I add, shaking his grip off, and continue to walk, acting unbothered when in reality my whole back is on fire. Burning, from his touch and his breath against my neck

It takes him a second but he catches up and appears right beside me. "You're really testing my patience," He says so low, that it sounds like a growl.

"How so?" I keep my voice, loud and steady. "Why do you care?"

"I don't." He sharply laughs, shaking his head.

I break into a chuckle. "Oh my god, you're so entertaining." His head snaps my way so hard, that I'm surprised it didn't break as we keep walking, exiting the building. It's pretty clear that there's something between us, but of course, we're gonna go into fucking circles.

"Watching you use Jeongin, to get my attention is what's entertaining. You're trying too hard."

"I'm not using anyone." I scoff. "I like Jeongin, that's why I hang out with him."

"Hang out all you want with him." His face turns dark. "Just make sure that I don't find out  if he laid a finger on you in a non-friendly way 'cause then I won't be that much entertaining angel." My heart does a little jump at the use of the nickname. It's the second time he calls me that and it tickles my ears in the most attractive way.  The boys always use nicknames for me and Emma. Babe, baby, princess. I've heard them all, but none of them really stick out to me.  

Angel. None's ever called me that before.

I stop in my tracks, his tone and words forcing anger out of me. He flashes me a devilish, satisfying grin.  "Dude you're-" His eyes flicker to something behind me, his whole expression shifts, and suddenly my words disappear down my throat as the wind gets knocked out of my chest. In a swift motion, his hand wraps around my waist, making me crash into his body. I see black, my face buried in his chest and all I hear is a car honking as it drives away alongside my own heartbeat. I look up, so hesitantly, still holding my breath.

"Fucking asshole." He curses, following the car with his eyes, and then looks down at me. Concern. It's concern written all over his slightly wide eyes.

"Are you okay?" He brings his hand to the side of my head, searching my face, eyes moving everywhere, all over my face and body. I let out the breath I was holding and finally inhaled again, the air in my lungs hitting me like a train, almost burning me from the inside. 'I'm fine' I want to say but the words won't leave my mouth. I keep staring at him, my body freezing in his hands completely. I go numb and all I can hear is the sound of my own heartbeat.

His grip on my waist tightens. "Y/n."

I try to take another breath but it's hard. My stomach tightens and I can feel the unsettling feeling of panic making its way through my body. My ears start ringing and I tear my eyes away from his face, looking around, trying to focus on something. Anything.

"Hey," He cups my face with both of his hands, forcing my eyes back on him. "Focus on me yeah? Look in my eyes." His whispers in a soft voice. I exhale and try to take breaths from my nose. But the lump in my throat grows and my eyes begin to water. No, I won't cry again. I'm sick of this, this feeling of pure panic and inability to control my own mind. But the memories come rushing back, and suddenly I'm 13 again, covered in blood, screaming my lungs out. And it hurts. It hurts my brain and my heart so much that I suck a breath and bury my face in his chest. I feel him freezing, going still but it takes him only a few seconds for his arms to wrap around me.

I let out a silent sob, almost inaudible but his arms tighten even more. His hand brushed my hair softly before sliding down to my back, comforting me silently. As though he understood. As though he cared.

It felt like minutes passed but we stayed like this, glued to each other as his vanilla scent consumed me the more I buried my face into his chest, and slowly I felt like I could breathe again. But I didn't pull away. And he didn't as well. His arms felt good around me. So good, that it made my heart beat faster for a completely different reason.

I slowly lift my head, his big eyes, softer than ever looked down at me.

"I'm sorry." I pull my arms away slowly, unwrapping myself from him as the realization of what happened hit me almost as hard as that car was about to. "I'm so sorry." I flinch further away.

"Stop apologizing. " He shakes his head and takes a large step forward, closing the gap between us. He tilts my face to him, his eyes searching mine.

I wanna freeze time and keep this moment. This moment, that he's not being a dick, that he's not ignoring me, that his face is not hard and his eyes are soft, and I slowly realize that I want more moments like this with him, I wanna keep the feeling of his hands on me and the weird sense of safety that comes with it.

"Yeah." I snap back to reality. "I'm-" I clear my voice. "I was in a car accident a few years ago." The words come out before I can stop them "I'm sorry. It just happened so fast." I add, laughing awkwardly.

"Oh," Something flashes in his eyes and his hands slowly drop from my body. "I understand." He nods his head to himself a couple of times, not saying anything else. He lifts his eyes to mine, no words come out of his mouth but I feel like his gaze is silently questioning me if I wanna talk about it. I chew on my bottom lip, shaking my head lightly and trying to look anywhere else. I'm grateful that he doesn't press the matter further, not that I was expecting him to start any sort of conversation for anything.

"Come on let's go." I turn around and begin to walk. His hand comes around my waist once again, pushing me to the inner side of the sidewalk.

"Sidewalk rule." He smiles.

.

.

.

.

"Look who's back for his second coffee of the day already." A girl with long. blond hair and big round glasses say as we reach the counter of the coffee shop.

"Hey, Maddie." Minho smiles at her and she smiles back. I stand beside him awkwardly staring at the menu, in front of me, even though I know exactly what I'm getting. "I love your hair today." He complements her and I almost snorted out loud. I wanna laugh at the way he speaks to her, I've never heard him use this tone or words to anyone.

"What can I get you? " She tugs a piece of hair behind her ear and looks at him through her glasses. I try not to roll my eyes at her classic move. Her focus stays completely on him, not even acknowledging me, standing right next to him.

"Can I have 3 iced Americanos, an iced latte, and..." He turns to me, leaning closer, and puts his hand on the counter, on the other side of my hips, kind of trapping me between his hands.

"What do you want angel?" He says close to my ear, making the blood rush into my cheeks. The girl's face visibly drops and I feel a spark of satisfaction.

"Um," I try to find my voice. "I'll have an iced latte as well." I smile at the girl, nevertheless.

She looks between us and nods with a smile. "Coming right up." When she leaves to make our order, I push Minho away, glaring at him and he laughs under his breath.

"Jealousy doesn't look good on you."

I roll my eyes. "I'm not jealous stupid. I'm uncomfortable." I pull my credit card out of my pocket.

"I'm paying." He says.

"No way. I offered to get coffee."

"I don't care." He steps in front of me, placing both of his hands on the counter.

"Fine. Then I'll pay for Jeongin's and my coffee and you can pay for the rest." I offer, trying to squeeze my way back to the counter.

"There you go" The blonde girl comes back with our coffees.

"Thank you, Maddie." Minho nods with a smile. He grabs the 3 Americanos. "Y/n, can you grab the resto for me?"

"Yeah, sure." I grab the other two but before I have time to do anything he places his phone in front of the little machine and I hear the familiar 'blink' from apple pay. "See you, tomorrow." He smiles at her.

"You're not buying him a damn coffee." He says inches away from my face and then walks out of the coffee shop.

We made our way back to the studio in almost complete silence but I was too lost in my thoughts to realize. He seemed in his head as well, cause whenever I would steal glances at him as walked, he didn't look at me once. I would kill to know what he was thinking. Or what he thinks about me in general.

.

.

.

" You have a beautiful voice." I turn to Jisung, with a genuine smile. Chan played me their song and I must say that I'm completely shocked. It's amazing how all of their voices blend in perfectly together.

His cheeks turn pink. "I sound okay."

"Oh my god," Minho rolls his eyes. "Take a compliment for once."

Jisung buries his face in his hands, blushing even more. I let out a giggle and try to take his hands off of his face. I hear Minho release a breathy laugh, drawing my attention. He's staring at Jisung with a small smile on his lips, his face is relaxed and his eyes hold a softness that I don't usually see in them. Their friendship is really interesting to me. Somehow I'm interested in anything that involves him. I have this urge to just unravel him and learn every little detail about him. Maybe cause he's been a mystery to me all this time or maybe because I'm simply drawn to him in a way that I can explain and absolutely hate.

"Seungmin, Jeongin, and Minho are the vocalists. I just help sometimes." He mumbles with a shy smile.

"I offered to change spots." Minho says.

"First of all, you can't rap to save your life."

"Bullshit" Minho scoffs.

"And second," Jisung continues "Your voice is too good to waste."

"Aww," I place a hand over my heart. "You're too sweet, I can't"

"What can I say?" He shrugs. " I am a pretty sweet guy."

I take a deep breath, getting myself ready. "So you're a vocalist? I haven't heard you sing yet." I turn to Minho. This is the first time I address him in a conversation, without trying to pick a fight, so this can go both ways.

His posture remains relaxed and his small smile from before grows into a smirk. "I haven't seen you dance yet."

Some tension rolls off of me. "That will not happen."

"Then you won't hear me sing."

I narrow my eyes on him. "You know I can just ask Chan to play me the song you recorded last time right? Your demo specifically."

His smirk grows more. "And you know that I know where you practice?" He shoots back. "Right?"

"Shut up." I shake my head.

He lets his lips turn into a smile. His teeth are exposed to me for the first time. His smile lights up his whole face and I let my eyes admire him a bit.

"Y/n?" Chans calls.

"Yeah?"

He keeps his eyes on Minho for a few seconds before speaking. "I think we need to talk to Hyunjin," he says in an unsure tone.

"What?" I straighten up. "What do you mean?"

"Check his insta story and the group chat." he says staring at his phone. I pull out my own phone and open Instagram to check his story.

"He's listening to that song..." Chan sighs, making eye contact with me.

"What song?" Jisung leans closer to me, trying to take a look.

"And he's spamming the group chat..." I mutter.

"And what about it?" Minho leans in as well, trying to hide his interest.

"It's his break-up song.." Chan sighs. "I'm going."

"No," I get up. "I think it's better if I go."

I grab my bag and my jacket. "Okay, but text me." Chan says.

"I will."

.

.

.

.

.

.

He buries his face further into my arms as he sobs uncontrollably. For as long as I know him, I have never seen Hyunjin cry like that, he's a mess. When I walked into his room, I found him curled into a ball, under layers of blankets, staring at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes.

I smooth his messy blonde hair, trying to calm him down. "I'm going to kill her." I say through my teeth.

He sniffs. "How can she be so fucking fake?"

"I don't know." I honestly answer, shaking my head. They'd been with each other for almost a year now, she looked head over heels for him. Hyunjin went over to her dorm to surprise her and he caught her fucking some other dude.

"Wait, who was the guy?" The question that I had totally forgotten to ask, suddenly pops up in my mind.

He lifts his head to look at me through his wet lashes. "One of Jackson's friends."

I tense up. "What?" My voice comes out louder than I intended.

He nods his head. "Yeah, I swear once I stop crying, I'll beat the shit out of him." He says through sniffs.

"I'll do it for you, don't worry." I clench my jaw. " God, I fucking hate him and his whole group." Even when Jackson and I were dating, I never really got along with his friends. They were all just a bunch of stupid fuckboys with absolutely zero respect towards anyone.

"Actually, I have to tell you something." He hesitantly says.

"I don't like the sound of that."

"Well," He thinks for a second and I feel myself already getting annoyed. "Remember when I told you that I'll ask around for the club we were talking about? For New years? The one that has live performances?"

"Yeah.." After a lot of fighting and back and forth, we decided that on New Year's Eve, we'll stay at the frat until midnight and then go to this super popular club that everyone is talking about around campus. It's going to have live performances by unknown artists. Many people say that Drake and Jack Harlow are 2 of them. The problem is that we don't know how we're getting in.

"Um," He pauses.

"Oh my god, Hyunjin just say it."

"Jackson's uncle owns the club." He finally says.

I groan, blurring my face into my hands. "That's just fucking great."

"So we can't beat them up just yet. " He jokes.

Jackson is incredibly famous around campus and his career is pretty much set already thanks to his father's connections to the music industry. To be honest, he is talented but everything has been handed to him, he never really tried for anything.

"Fuck" I sigh.

"Yeah, fuck."

[keyh0use]

We know how well Barry comforts Rafe, but I’m curious if you have written about Rafe comforting him (or trying to, anyways) when Barry cries either openly in front of him or when he thinks Rafe can’t hear/see him? Can’t help but wonder how he’d deal with it

Have I written published pieces about this? Probably...you don't read my stuff and I write too much to even remember what happened in the previous chapter of whatever I'm currently working on, so really your guess is as good as mine. Unfortunately I can never settle on a proper hc for how Barry was brought up; big, loving family who lend support and thrive off physical affection or a broken, abusive one. Which plays a big part in how I think this scenario would go. Regardless, I do make him very emotional because I feel he is underneath all the sarcastic comments, and that his chill persona is only 50% real. But he masks well after so much practice, either from his upbringing or the army or drug dealing.

Rafe doesn't care about some stranger whining about a breakup in the country club bathroom or one of Rose's snobby friends sobbing in the pool house after one too many margs BUT he's not unfeeling or clueless when it comes to those he cares about. I've written and hc that Rafe was responsible for his sisters a lot of the time growing up, mainly Wheezie, because Ward was very untrusting when it came to who he let around his children unsupervised. (In case they revealed something, embarrassed the family name, got a reputation for not looking after his own kids, etc.) So Rafe is a pro at making a slow, calm approach followed by easy questions, picking away at the tension until whoever is ready to let it all out. He'll side-hug and shush softly and then provide solutions, because solving the problem is how he would show he cares.

At least that's what worked with Wheezie when her ant farm smashed on the driveway after show-and-tell (Rafe helped her order a new starting kit and cleaned up the broken glass and dirt) or when Sarah had a project due the next morning she forgot about. (He knew where the key to his father's office was and broke in to raid the supplies closet, then spread out on his sisters bedroom floor to help her glue information cards to Bristol board)

But would Barry appreciate Rafe trying to step in and tell him what he should do? I doubt it. Chances are Barry already knows what needs to happen and is just frustrated and overwhelmed. In the early days he could lash out, act angry in place of hurt and it would be convincing. He would tell Rafe to leave him alone, or he'd rush outside with the excuse to smoke or take a call and hide around back. If Barry cries, there's a chance Rafe would be able to tell, so he practices breathing to calm himself down like he's taught himself to do when he was hiding away in his childhood bedroom or surrounded by dozens of other men in the barracks. (I mean think of when the pogues robbed him. Was his first instinct to hunt down Rafe at the country club and subtly ask for help? Yeah. Is it likely he went home and kicked the now empty bag his stolen money was stuffed in before collapsing on the bed to shed a few tears? Also, yeah. I hc that Barry sends all his spare cash home but even if that's not the case, there goes his car payments and rent/mortgage, and rainy day fund and any potential trip to the emergency room.)

So...I don't know that this would happen before there's something serious between them, because I think Barry would go to great lengths to avoid any potential slip-up with big feelings, besides anger, since men don't tend to think that's an emotion. (And this isn't just about crying, either. He'd fall for Rafe hard and keep his mouth shut, suffer through months of lingering touches and longing stares because like hell is he showing his belly first) I mean I could write it, but I don't think it would be very interesting..

Alright, so they're dating or whatever, and Rafe comes back to a silent trailer. Barry's definitely off work and his truck (or whatever vehicle you want buddy to have) is parked in the usual spot in the makeshift driveway. Fishing poles are by the front door right where they were left last night, worn-out wallet is on the scuffed-up kitchen table, dirty boots are left by the couch. Rafe would creep down the hallway and peek into the cramped bedroom to find Barry on the edge of the bed, face in his hands and shoulders shaking. It wouldn't be loud and whiny and dramatic, frankly, like Rafe cries but it's unmistakable what the older man is doing.

And it would naturally freak Rafe the fuck out because it's such a foreign sight. Rafe would tell himself to approach the older man as if he's dealing with Sarah or Wheezie but abandon that the moment he hears a sniffle, rush in and kneel and try to get Barry to look at him, talk to him, give him one single hint about what's wrong. And Barry would be so embarrassed even though he's been on the other side of this interaction a million times before, tears are dripping off his jaw and his face feels so hot and Rafe is bombarding him with questions. What happened? Did I do something? Is it your mom? Barry, what happened? Are you mad at me? Did I do something? (He's insecure, of course he is, and is so used to being the problem so Barry can't blame him for worrying) And Barry would shake his head but wouldn't answer. So Rafe would lay him back, hold him and it's strange for both of them. Rafe would untangle unruly curls with slender fingers and chew on the nails of others, trying to keep from prying and upsetting the dealer any more. Barry would feel so, so embarrassed; open his mouth and close it, contemplate shrugging the whole thing off and pretending everything is fine. Then something small would make him cave like Rafe wrapping him up in an awkward hug (that's crushing, despite the odd position they're in) or kissing his head, and then he would have to let it all out.

Or, better, Barry would know he's safe with Rafe and seek his boy out when upset. This feeling inside him has been building and building until it reaches a dangerous crest and if he doesn't get it out, he'll probably lose it. So he waits with wet eyes for Rafe to show up, long legs barely over the threshold when Barry knocks into him. Yeah, it's the first time Barry has cried in front of Rafe and so what, the kook is relieved and grateful he's being trusted. (Even if his heart was beating erratically when he felt the collar of his (pink) shirt dampen) In either scenario, or any scenario the older man is crying really, I'm sure Barry would be plagued with doubt about the whole thing. Since the very beginning of their relationship, they fell naturally into certain roles...would Rafe think of him as less of a man now? Would Rafe stop crying to him? Would Rafe treat him like he's fragile? Was Rafe laughing with his little kook friends behind Barry's back? No, of course not. All his worries are settled when Rafe doesn't look at him differently afterwards. Once Barry's tears have been wiped away, his kook is being just as bratty and arrogant as usual, expecting Barry to act as a guard dog (when Rafe is quite literally so fucking capable of handling himself, not that Barry's ever complaining) and carry in all the groceries and let Rafe be passenger princess and toss him around in bed, not even bringing up what happened earlier that day.

[wannab-urs]

Pedro Pascal Character Fic Recs | Vol 36

AO3 | Kofi | Main Masterlist | The Spreadsheet Masterlist

Howdy folks!

Welcome to my bi-weekly fic rec list! This is everything I read in the last two weeks. There's some seriously amazing shit on this list, y'all. If I counted properly there are 9 fics, two of which are series.

All info provided by the author unless it was blank, in which case I filled it in.

Punish me, Officer Djarin

Din one shot by @beskarandblasters

You've been thrown into an imperial prison for anti-empire speech. During your sentence, a new prison guard is hired, Officer Djarin, and you take a liking to him.

f!reader, reader is able-bodied, canon divergent, uneven power dynamic, brat taming, degradation (scumbag), fingering, vaginal sex, creampie, his glove in your mouth lol, no use of y/n

To Tell You the Truth

Ezra series by @concussed-to-pieces

Our story begins in the Green, after a certain meeting that culminates in an explosive Truxican standoff...

Survival, Worldbuilding, Eventual Romance, Slow Burn, Slow Build, Healing, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Extreme Duress, My First Work in This Fandom, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Past Abuse, Feelings Realization, Artist Reader, Reader is a prospector, Outer Space, Sharing a Bed, Roommates, Mutual Pining, Vaginal Fingering, Praise Kink (if you squint), Religious Terms used improperly, Catholics H8 Me, Remember, no man's penis will heal you okay, and fanfictions are not research, But I'm an indulgent fuck so it's okay, Vaginal Sex, big dick energy, Eventual Smut, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Just get it all in there, adoration, Very Flowery Terminology, Happy Ending

Sanguine

Ezra one shot by @marisferasiop

since being turned as a boy into- whatever liminal state of cryptid he is now- Ezra has walked this earth ageless and alone, never finding his place or a partner for long. He interrupts your meal in the city one evening, and brings you home to strike up a deal; feed from him, alone, and keep one another safe from discovery. The fact that he finds his purpose under the soft graze of your teeth and home between your thighs is a nice side effect.

lots of blood, smut, soft yearning sweet boy Ezra, mapuche mythology and monsters, schmoop. Ezra is a subby little sap in this.

Routine

Frankie one shot by @endlessthxxghts

Frankie makes a new routine for himself to help with his mental health. In that routine, Frankie stumbles upon you.

POV switching - stops towards the end, then POVs are combined. Friends to lovers. Slightly scared and reluctant friends to lovers. Slow burn. Canon divergent to Frankie’s Triple Frontier storyline (No history of lady or child for Frankie). Brief mentions of South America and Frankie’s mental health. Brief therapy talk. Overthinking!Frankie, but Reader comforts and reassures him. He’s not insecure the entire time, promise lolol. Hints of angst, but this is me we’re talking about — always will be a happy ending here🫶. No physical description of reader besides coffee shop uniform (no size descriptions used) - any descriptions are neutral, no adjectives to describe (purely things like “your thigh” etc.). No use of “y/n”. SMUT heheheh (making out, cunnilingus + fingering, unprotected P in V sex + cumming inside, breast worship/titty sucking).

Go Your Own Way

Javi P one shot by @schnarfer

Loving you isn’t the right thing to do

1979 Texas, very toxic relationship, sort of enemies to lovers if you squint a bit, absolutely no happy ending for our fuckboy Javier, no descriptions of reader except she has hair and there are outfit references, no specific ages mentioned in 1979 but they would both be early 20’s, Cheating/infidelity mentioned, smoking (OF COURSE), mention of drinking and drugs, two mentions of vomit, the good stuff? we’ve got flirting, kisses and smut; protected PIV, oral (f receiving), fingering, very light dirty talk, couple of light slaps, pet names (cariño, baby), Javier POV, I’ve tried to remove any overt British-isms but some may have slipped in, probably a bit of canon divergence, as well as wild historical and geographical inaccuracies but we’re going for vibes, yeah? and a note, we’re always Fleabag coded here.

Some fools fool themselves

Javi P one shot by @freelancearsonist

You were meant to be a mission—an insider that Javi could wring information from on some of the biggest names in the trade. It didn’t go to plan, but maybe that’s not so bad.

Rated MA for unprotected p in v sex (don’t do this irl pls), oral (m receiving), throatfucking, handjobs, creampie, spanish dirty talk (both javi and reader - translations in footnotes), reader has female anatomy and uses fem pronouns, reader wears a bikini, smoking/nicotine use, cheating (reader is married this is the mob wife fic you all asked for), kind of angsty but mostly just porn with the slightest sprinkling of plot for ✨flavor✨

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Marcus P one shot by @whataperfectwasteoftime

I am a visitor here. I am not permanent.

angst, breakups, mentions of Teresa x Patrick Jane

Cabuorir

Oberyn/Din/Reader series by ToricTailor (AO3)

You would have torn the heavens asunder to stop it.

Fix-It, That's Not How The Force Works (Star Wars), Get This Man A New Ship, Smut, Threesome - F/M/M, Reader sandwich, Force-Sensitive Reader, Polyamory, DVP, more

I want it, I got it

Joel one shot by @beskarandblasters

Joel gives you unlimited access to his credit card to shop online while he eats you out.

reader is able-bodied, no outbreak AU, porn with little plot, no age specified for reader, reader sits on Joel’s lap, established sugar daddy relationship, oral sex (F receiving), fingering, squirting, pet names (angel, baby), no use of y/n

Happy Reading!

[domesticated-whores]

rambling again

my sex life isn't completely going nowhere, guys. it isn't going crazy places, but it's going. slowly.

after I sent that damn man that thing asking about The Vibe on being in a relationship and having sex and communicating more, he basically replied that he has absolutely no thoughts, head fully empty, on all of that. hence is why I drank until I fucking puked the other night, lol.

BUT then we went to a friend's place the next evening to chill and smoke after work and when we left my man (who usually asks if I want to go to his or go home, and if I want to go home he ALWAYS walks me to my place) was like "I really don't want to walk all that way in the rain, I'm probably just gonna head back (to his place)" with the kind of implication that I was coming with him. And, like, FUCKING finally!! I always tell him that if I don't have any active reason not to that I will probably always want to go over to his place. I always tell him (especially when the weather is bad) that I'm a big girl and I can walk places all by myself, I'd be walking the same distance whether he met me halfway or walked me home or not, and while I appreciate that he does it he never HAS to walk with me if he doesn't have a reason to be going that way. Fucking communication, telling me what he actually WANTS to do instead of asking me when he already knows the answer. He wanted to go home, there was a 90% chance I was going with him, if I had work in the morning or had to get home I don't mind parting ways at friend's place, and if I was significantly more high than I was and I told him that I didn't feel comfortable walking home alone I'm almost certain he would have (maybe begrudgingly) walked me home anyway. I very genuinely trust that if I want something he will do it within reason, and if I don't he'll take no for an answer. I aim to do the same, I just need to know what his wants, needs, boundaries, etc. are, so I need communication, and I feel like that was really good on that end.

And sex. When we were going to bed, he definitely got more touchy than usual. On the exactly 1 time that I didn't do a full shave before coming over (because going over was last minute and unexpected), and it was the first day of my period so I had a tampon in. Great fucking timing, I know. He put a hand down my panties and my dumb ass said "christ, the ONE time I don't shave before coming over!!" and the fucker laughed at me, lol. I wonder if we'd have actually gone farther if I wasn't on my period or if he was just kinda testing the waters anyway, because he is kinda really gradual about things. But, yeah, sure, babe. Absolutely no thoughts and intentions about sex, completely blanks on it, but eager to play with my clit the next night now that I've mentioned it. Cool, babe.

which is 2/3 of the things that I brought up, communicating wants and sex. so it isn't like he's ignoring what I say when I ask at all, he just really doesn't use his fucking words. he didn't even invalidate my side when I sent him that message (bare minimum, I know), he was super like "yeah, I get that, I'm not at all uncomfortable with you asking about all that or anything, I just genuinely don't know how to word things about it" which, fair. if there wasn't a change in behavior paired with it, that would be an issue, but there is and I also have certain topics where I'm similar. and the third one was an official relationship, which I didn't expect right now. fully understandable that the other 2 get worked on first, I need communication (both for me to get better at viewing actions as active communication because that's a lot of what he gives, and for him to be better with more verbal which he has done a bit on), and while I don't care because I'm ace-spec (sex is SUPER take it or leave it, I'm open to letting my partner have fwb if I don't satisfy that need personally), I do understand why one might want to make sure they're sexually compatible with someone before being official with them. I just wanted to know if that was something that he thought was potentially coming up or not. and when I was there he was also more (non-sexually) physically affectionate with cuddling and hand-holding, and we talked about childhood and death and religion a bit, deeper kind of topics, and I don't know if we just did that randomly or it that was in part his response to that. Nothing that he wouldn't say to someone else if prompted, but the fact that we kinda went through those topics all together right after I asked about his thoughts on being more serious is certainly noticed. Maybe I'm overthinking and being generous, but since there were very direct efforts to the other two that I asked for I just wonder, idk.

so, things are going slowly, but they are going.

[goldie90]

What a usual day for me and darling looks like💕

This is how it goes if he doesn't goes over to his family's home to help them with the victims, or spends the day at the slaughterhouse etc.

Waking up in the morning, we always stay in bed to start the day with a long cuddle session.💕 Sometimes this can result in one or both of us falling back asleep, other times it leads to sleepy soft morning sex, but most of the time we just lay in each others arms for a while, before we get up to start the day.

While Nubbins either stays in bed a little while longer, or goes into the bathroom to take a shower, I usually go to the kitchen to make breakfast for him (preferably pancakes, since these are his favorite and what can I say, I love to spoil my dear husband from time to time😊).

Then we have breakfast together, though it's only him eating since I don't eat in the morning - I just drink my coffee and smoke a cigarette.

After breakfast I clean up the kitchen and then go and take a shower, getting dressed and doing my make up while darling disappears into his hobby room to work on his art projects.

He will usually stay there for the next couple of hours, while I do some household chores.

At some point I will bring him a drink as well as some snacks, making sure that he takes a break from his work and then I will sit with him while he eats and we talk a bit, he shows me what he's currently working on and once he's finished with eating, I get on his lap and snuggle up on him and we'll have another cuddle session, until he decides that it's time to continue with his work and then I get up from his lap and leave him alone again, either doing more cleaning or watching tv, reading a little bit or whatever I feel like doing until it's time to cook dinner.

We have dinner together and afterwards I do the dishes while darling goes to the living room to watch tv.

I join him there once I'm finished cleaning up and then we just spend the evening with watching tv and cuddling until we go to bed.

Most times we will have some fun now😉 before falling asleep in each others arms.💕

[survey--s]

660.

What do you want more than anything else? A horse. Or a house that doesn't need constant work doing to it.

Do you have to cross any bridges on your way home? It depends where I'm coming from, but there are a few I cross on my way to/from work most days.

What type of phone do you have? iPhone 11.

Have you ever tried coconut water? Yeah, it's pretty gross. I like coconuts but not the water.

Are you able to keep a lid on your temper? Yes, when necessary.

What colour are the blankets on your bed? Our duvet cover is white with pink and purple butterflies on it. The blanket I use on the sofa is burgundy and cream.

What was the last thing you said aloud? "Archie, there's nobody there - shut up!".

Is there anybody who makes you feel empowered? No. I don't really feel like that ever, though.

Does your house have a basement? Nope.

How many online accounts do you have? Or have you lost count? God, hundreds of them lol.

Which Asian country would you like to visit the most? Japan.

Who was your first love? A boy named Joshua.

Are you the type to hold grudges? Not really, but I don't find it easy to forgive people either.

What was the last video game you played? Gems of War.

What’s your favourite flavour of vitamin water? I've only ever had blackcurrant flavour and it was pretty blah, really.

Are there any bands/artists that get you all emotional? Hmm, not really. Certain songs do, though.

What do you think about double stuff oreos? I like any kind of Oreo, really.

Are you happy in your own skin? Sure.

Have you ever been to a convention? (comic, Youtube, etc.) Yeah, for fashion once.

Do you have any disgusting habits? Probably lol.

Can you get your favourite fruit all year around, or is it seasonal? It's seasonal but you can buy it year-round.

What brand are most of the electronics in your household? A real mixture, honestly. There's no one brand that dominates.

Is any part of your body hurting right now? No but I am feeling really cold for some reason.

What’s your favourite aunt or uncle’s first name? Phillida, Gary, Cath.

Do you prefer your tea with or without milk? With milk, unless it's green tea.

What sound makes you cringe? Whining dogs or yapping dogs..

Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Yes.

If so, do you still smoke? No.

What do you think about androgynous names? I don't really have an opinion, to be honest.

Do you see yourself getting married one day? I've been married for five years.

Do you get sick often? No, not since I left retail and got a job working alone.

Who was the last person you invited into your home? Susie came over a couple of weeks ago.

Are you of legal drinking age in the country you live in? Yes. I have been for years.

How old were your parents when they got engaged? Mid-twenties. I couldn't tell you the exact ages.

Are your parents still together? Yes.

What flavour was the last ice cream you ate? I can't remember, honestly.

Are you health conscious? No.

Have you ever done a first aid course? I've done one for animals but not for humans.

If so, would you be prepared to perform CPR if necessary? .

Are you for or against gay marriage? I don't understand how anyone can be against it, tbh.

Do you have any friends who bat for the other team? Yes - relatives too.

Have you ever written a letter to a politician? Yeah, I'm sure I did when I was younger.

Are there any songs that get stuck in your head very easily? I get all sorts of songs stuck in my head.

[alphabet-p00p]

30/90 Things are feeling weird and its been a day full of tears and my head hurts Thinking about class and people really do land where they land and moving out is very hard. Thinking about who i left behind so to speak, and how they got out, or didn't. That being said i think about throwing it all away often. I take no pleasure in the motion of school. When i first came here i thought of it as highschool pt 2 even tho i knew it wouldn't be my methodology was the same and worse, even with less structure. I got to be free tho and i flourished socially for the first time ever. I think about that a lot too. I'm back on campus for the first time since the first time and things are so different now. I'm different my hair is short etc. i have a girlfriend and some friends and i don't do crazy things on the weekends, not that smoking weed and drinking on a friday was so crazy. But it was new and fun then. I don't know i know that i was not necessarily happier then but i think i just feel restless now. The friends i made turned to smoke and the ones that mattered slipped through my hands.i feel restless in the way that i want to flirt.. The danger of flirting. So fun. Am i hot, please tell me i'm hot. I cant be alone and i am not but physically all the time i want to be around someone i want to eat with them and take walks and grocery shop and lots of other things but i cant find anyone who also is autistic gay trans poc who smokes weed who i don't think is insufferable. Theres a person who i have had classes with but never spoken to who seems like they might check the boxes. I don't know how to say hi. Its been three years and i'm pretty sure i follow them on instagram.. The people here are so weird they’ll see you and stare at you in the eye as they pass you. Ive been thinking about space and smell i'm in the same building as last year but things will never be the same and last year two other people lived in these walls and next year different people will live here but they dont know that i spilt a smoothie here and smoked over here and hung my pictures here. the freshman in my former freshman room dont know i dyed my hair here and hosted parties and cied on my (their) bed when i had to leave in may. and the drywall and the steel and the plaster and the carpet don't get enough credit for how much of us they weather. I feel like a host, a home, four walls.

[trikxx]

I was told by my friend that this chapter had to be fluff so here we go🙂

Songs for this chapter

•Never call me by jhene aiko

•Gravity by Brent Faiyaz

(Both are on the playlist)

⚠️❗️marijuana use and bullying❗️⚠️

(Play gravity now if you want)

Y/n's pov

I parked when i go to the tattoo shop and went i side. Denki was sitting at the desk. "Hey y/n.... you ok?" He asks. "Yea," I respond.

"Where's Sero?" I ask. "He's in the back." Denki says. I nod my head and walk to the back. Sero was doing some new sketches. I knock on the door way. "Serooo." I say stretching out the o. "Hey n/n." He say putting his pencil down and walking over to me giving me a hug.

"You can talk about it if you need to, Also if you wanna go do anything we can to get your mind off of it." Sero says

"I kinda just want to chill and probably smoke a little." I respond. "Alright cool, just let me pick up and we can head out."

———

I got into my car and Sero sent me the address to his house. On my way there I stopped and got some snacks and (backwoods, swishers, or etc. whatever you want).

———

I got to Sero's house and turned off my car and grabbed my stuff and went to the door. Sero opened the door for me and told me where the guest room is. Denki and Sero were living together but Denki was gone for the night. "Take you time y/n. You can come to the living room when ever and we can hang out." I nod my head and sit down on my bed.

*20 unread messages*

Hitoshi☄️: Y/n.

Hitoshi☄️: where are you at?

Hitoshi☄️: i'm sorry.

Hitoshi☄️: why aren't you answering me?

Hitoshi☄️: y/n?

*read*

I put my phone down and sit on the bed. "Why?" I say to myself as i get up and take off my hoodie and put on my tee-shirt and going to the living room. Sero was already smoking. "Damn, starting without me." I say giggling. "My bad. we can go out here on the balcony." Sero says.

I follow Sero out on to the balcony. I sit down and start rolling a blunt. "Maybe we should go for a drive around. Its nice out here tonight." He says. "Sero I-"

He cuts me off  "you don't actually have a choice. So finish up and let go." I rolled my eyes.

I finished rolling the blunt and went in the house. I get my phone and keys. "Alright i'm done." I say walking into the living room and putting on my shoes.

"Lets gooo." Sero says opening the door. I follow him to his car.

Sero opens the door for me. "M'lady." He says. "You play too much. Thank you." I replied getting in to the car. Sero jogs to the drivers side and gets in putting on his seat belt. "What you wanna listen to?" Sero asks

"Brent Faiyaz." I reply. "I didn't know you listened to him!" Sero said. "Surprise shawtyy!" I say starting my Brent Faiyaz playlist.

(Play never call me if you want)

Shinsou's pov

I looked at my phone again to see if y/n had at least looked at my messages

*read*

Good. At least she saw them. It's ok. Right?

"FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK!" I yelled out. "I FUCKED UP." I have knew y/n for the longest. She is always there for me. And i'm always there for her.

And to be honest i've always had a crush on her. The day she told me Todoroki cheated on her I basically sped to her house breaking every traffic law.

' i wonder where she went'

*DING*

|Y/n completed a 2 mile drive|

I forgot she put this on my phone.... Nevermind im not gonna be in her business.

|y/n arrived at Sero's house|

Wait what?

Y/n I hope your not.... forget it. Its her life.

Y/n... Its something about her. Even when we were younger I felt this way about her.

Her smile lights up any room she comes into. You feel bad about something? Y/n can help in the matter of seconds.

𝖥𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗁𝖻𝖺𝖼𝗄

"Hey Villan! Why do you look like that?! You look homeless! Does your family love you cause it doesn't look lik-" "HEY DUMB FUCK LEAVE HIM ALONE" Y/n' yelled

"AHH S-S-SORRY Y/N!" The boy says running away.

"Hey are you ok?" She asked. "Yes." Shinsou replied back. "Whats your name?" "Shinsou." He whispered. "Hi. My names Y/n." The girl said with a heart warming smile

———

A year later

"Come on Shinsouuuuu!" Y/n says. "We're gonna be too late the theres gonna be really long lines." She continued pulling the boy to the carnival. "You guys dont get lost ok!" Shinsous mom says. "Ok!" The two kids yelled in unison.

____

It was the end of the day and Shinsou's mom was taking y/n home. "Alright kido-" Shinsou and y/n were laying on each other. Y/n's head on Shinsou's shoulder and Shinsou's head on Y/n's. 'Cute' Shinsou's mom thought. "Hey Y/n your home." She said tapping Y/n.

"I am?" Y/n said looking ou the window. "Oh." When she turned back around shinsou was awake. "See you y/n." "Bye Toshi." They hugged each other and Y/n went home

_____

"HITOSHIII!" Y/n yelled. "ITS FINALLY HAPPENING!" She continued dancing around with the house keys in her hands. "We're finally moving into the apartment!" Shinsou finished for her.

"YESSSSS!"

____

𝖤𝗇𝖽 𝗈𝖿 𝖥𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗁𝖻𝖺𝖼𝗄

The way she always had joy in her eyes.

She is always happy and that makes me happy. Maybe I do have feelings for her. I just... can't find the right way to tell her.

Y/n you are everything.

But

I dont want to fuck up our friendship especially if you dont feel the same way. So, I'll wait for her.

I love you Y/n.

💖 L O V E Y A B E B E S✨

[kathyorihara]

Tagged by@that-freaky-otaku

Rules: Answer all questions and tag 20 people 

Star Sign: ♓

Height: 4'11 (think honey senpai from ouran or tsu from bnha)

Gender: female

Birthday: March 7th

Relationship status: not discussing that

Who is your crush: no one

Song that is Stuck in Your Head: nobody's fool by bvb not sure if that's the name.

Last Movie: Gnome home

Last T.V Show: icarly

Why You Create this Blog: my friends wanted me to so I did and I found a lot of my ship at that time.

What Do You Post/Reblog: Anime stuff,art, opinions I like, etc.

Last Thing You Googled: Nathan kress (freddy from icarly)

Favorite song lyric: idk there's a lot

What Are You Wearing: My pjs which are my bnha shirt, mickey mouse pants and a sweater.

Dream Job: Don’t know I wanted to design clothes the I wanted to write now I want psychology so I won't disappoint my parents.

Currently reading: random manga from mangakalot. Last one was 'My wife's a man' it was cute.

Top 3 Universes: idk I'll die in all of them

Last time I cried and why: a day ago I've been very emotional idk why.

A picture of me:

Ideas of a perfect date: Nightmare before Christmas playing on the tv while we sit on the couch wrapped in the same blanket drinking hot chocolate.

A fact about my life: I have parents with issues in their marriage and sometimes I wish they end it or fix it in a better way.

What’s one thing you regret: ever applying for uni and not comunity college.

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: Jakub Gierszał

Have you ever taken a picture naked? No

Have you ever had a crush? Yeah they were an asshole.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? I have not but someone wants to fight me rn. They sound like a stalker talking about.

Have you ever snuck out of your house? Technically yeah but it was to send shit feom the ups store.

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?  Yes

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun? No I'm a chciken

Have you ever been on a plane? No

Have you ever kissed a picture? No

Have you ever touched a snake? No I like danger noodles but I'm scared of touching one.

Have you ever felt like dying? Yes a lot

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yeah

Phobia: The dark, being alone friend wise, zoom in on holes? Look up zoomed in eye. Ghost if I sence a heavy energy. A bunch others.

Middle name: Lisbeth (I used to spell it with a Z until I saw it was spelt other wise.)

Are you a virgin? Yeah

What’s your sexual orientation? Straight

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs? Nope never gonna

 Someone you miss: old pets

Favorite ice cream? Mint chocolate chip. I like the taste of tooth paste (joke).

One insecurity: Just one? My stomach I will have a panic attack if I feel someone can see it in clothing that shows it.

What my last text message says: ok

Have you ever painted your room? Yes many times cuz my mom wanted to.

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? No

Have you ever slept naked? No. 

Have you ever been dumped? No.

Have you ever stole money from a friend? No

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? Does lyft count

Have you ever been arrested? No

Have you ever made out with a stranger? No

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? No more like I just showed up at their house with my other friend.

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents? Yes to drop off things

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor? No

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? My sisters and my friend at acen.

Have you ever seen someone die? No

Favorite Harry Potter spell: don't know harry potter just the vague summary.

Have you ever hated the way you look? All the time.

Have you ever witnessed a crime? Yes. Someone tried to break into my mom's car. A squatter in a house we're flipping.

Have you ever pole danced? No

Have you ever been lost? Yes

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?: like I've traveled to NY and cali and shit.

I tagg @sunfowa @bunnies-and-bishamonten @orion98 @efflictimx @natarisaru @spookinferno @imarvelentertainment @plsdontharmme @turtlelov66 @engrosse-d @animetsgtyurionks @syb3rstrife @self-concious-strawberry @someinternetkidd @art-in-distress @justanotherprdevotee @thepumpkinphan @wndasmximoff @failing-lungs

[the-entity-with-determination]

2. Entry (30.10.2018, 2:30)

Dear Reader,

Today was a simple yet nice day.

School

Chris has finally returned to school today and made everyone's day a bit brighter. (he had some sort of a throat infection)

In the first period I had German. I gave the teacher my homework which I partly have worked on with Naomi (God bless u for helping me bro) and the rest of the lesson just consisted of analyzing a Text.

Second period was English. I normally sit in the first row with one dude from the friend group, but I was too slow and my place got claimed. So I sat down next to the quiet girl from my class. Honestly I want to find out more about her. And maybe even befriend myself with her. I've always noticed that she's sitting alone in the class and never really speaks to anyone. And when some of the teachers tell her to read something, she speaks in a really quiet yet clear voice. And she also never really smiles. I feel like I just should start talking to her. Because it's also very important to have some kind of social life in school. Isn't it boring to just. Not talk to anyone? I think I'll try to interact with her tomorrow. Anyways, back to the period. We were doing some "used to and would" grammatical exercises and as always, it was kinda boring cuz I'm literally doing this thing the third time. My notebook didn't work so I looked at the text with the quiet girl's (let's call her Amanda) computer.

In third period I had IT. And in IT I'm in the first group, which means I always get to interact with Chris and Roxy. It's always very fun to talk with them. But today was even more fun cuz the teacher didn't upload any new exercises to moodle (a school plattform) and I've done all the exercises the night before lmao. Also, I've said before that my notebook doesn't work, and I've asked Chris if he could just delete everything on my computer and put it back to factory setting. (I hope that's what it's called) and he said he wouldn't mind. I just gotta go and search for the external dvd player after I finish writing this entry. Since it was basically a free period, all of us just fooled around and made meme references. I think that some meme was born out of it too lololol.

Then the big break started (which is 15 minutes long). I honestly didn't want to leave Roxy alone in class (Chris and all the other dudes normally go outside to smoke) so I decided to stay with her. We were mainly talking about music. I showed her a nice song, she showed me a nice song. Nice.

Then we had IT again. We've basically done the same thing as in the last period.

In the last two periods which were Biology and French nothing much happened.

After school

After school I tagged along with Roxy. Last time when I did we went to a nearby second hand shop and she found a framed Van Gogh picture (she's a huge Van Gogh fan) and she really wanted to buy it but didn't have enough money (cuz she bought a "rocky horror show" vinyl in the book store we also went to last time.) The bookstore was the weirdest yet coolest one I've ever seen. Like. There were books EVERYWHERE.

And today she finally got to buy the Van Gogh pic and was very satisfied. We also went to "Buttlers" (some sort of home decor store) and she bought some fairy lights that glow in a warm way.

After that we went to McDonald's to chat since she still had some spare time (her train would leave in an hour). We talked about school, friends, and also her smol crush on a dude from my class (he's a chill dude). I've found out recently that he's in a metal band. And she also seemed to know. Buttttt she didn't know that he's the Vocalist of the group. And when she listened to one of their songs she literally fangirled so much it was adorable.

Then we parted ways and I went home. Riding with the tram was rly uncomfortable since many people were inside. Sitting in the bus was less stressful und I also almost fell alseep (I didn't sleep on Sunday night). But once I got out of the bus it was very peaceful. The weather was slightly foggy, the yellow leaves were slowly falling down on the ground, and you could hear children laugh in the distance. I always feel very at peace when I walk in my small village I love it. I also took a lot of pretty pictures of trees, flowers and etc.

Home

I came home and was greeted by my parents and the amazing smell which I've known ever since I was a kid. The good ol' Russian beet soup called "Borscht". Man if only locals knew what they're missing. After I ate I went to my slightly messy room. I'll probably clean it after I come back from Roxy's sleepover. I watched some videos. Had some deep thoughts and fell asleep at 16 something. And then I woke up at 00:36. And watched some videos again. I didn't do any school stuff since I don't have to do any homework til tomorrow. So it's chill.

Now

Rn I'm laying in my bed, listen to a nice Lo-Fi mix called "everytime I see you, I fall in love all over again" and write this entry uwu.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with Naomi in her dorm. We'll study some stuff, talk about some fun stuff, have band practice and will return home a little late. But it's nice. Oh and my mother gave me a really nice jacket which also looks vintage-y. I luvvvv. So I'll also look like a snack tomorrow too yaaaas.

That's pretty much it. I hope you had a nice day too, reader! 🌸✨

(03:38)

[fantasticcloudcreation]

I'm drunk! I'm lonely! I want a hug and someone to snuggle all night! I want to lose 20 fucking pounds! Twenty! What is my life! It's not hard I haven't been working at it it's winter I'm hibernating it's ok to weigh 120 pounds I'm on my period I've been eating and drinking it's fine! Tell me why I haven't been exercising! How do I get in shape! Someone give me a workout plan that I'll actually stick to and follow! How do you have a regular workout routine when you live in a van! Get a gym membership but I'm about to spend 4 months in a town without a planet fitness / do your own workouts at home etc etc I Know and yet Why Am I Not Doing It /// not even for the weightloss but for the strength and endurance bc I'm about to spend 4 months and then a whole season doing Physical Work and I want to be strong enough to show up for it and contribute! I want to be the small skinny girl who can carry the weight of 3 other small skinny girls combined. Tell me why I'm shouting at the internet instead of doing anything. "tomorrow" I say "it's always tomorrow." Make a plan and stick to it. Set goals and accomplish them. Go hang out with all these cute men who want you to sleep in their bed. So many!!!! Why are you avoiding them and then complaining about being lonely!!!! Idk. It's winter. Life goes on. Tell me why I spent $30 on a bottle of Fancy Alcohol just to drink half of it in one night. (that doesn't sound that bad when I put it like that. You're allowed to treat yourself. You're allowed to get drunk alone on hot tea and alcohol lol and then take a warm shower and have a good sleep. Everything is fine. ) Anyway now I'm making pasta #why idk life goes on it's winter everything is working out. Tmro I'm going over to a cute man's house and we're gonna smoke weed and make crafts and snuggle all night and probably fuck. Hell yeah. Everything is great I just need a good fuck hahaha fr tho life is weird idk it's December what is even going on life is fucking weird.

[grimoireofuisce]

I've been having mixed feelings and really weird dreams about my ex. I've talked to people about it, but i'm not really getting an answer on how to handle the feelings and thoughts. Everyone just says to stay away from things that remind me about them, and that doesn't work for me, cuz they tainted everything in me life. I can't look at anything without them being there in my mind. Do you have any suggestions or advice? Thank you!! I send warm thoughts and good feels.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and I’m sorry no one has given such great advice! :( I’ll try my best. Here’s what I’d do in your situation.

Cutting Ties

STEP ONE - CLEAN YOUR SPACE

What they say about your space helping your mental health is true. If your space is cluttered and messy, you’re more likely to experience stress and anxiety. The same principle applies to removing someone from your life. You may not realize just how much of the other person still lingers in your space.

Tidy the space - do a quick clean up, picking anything up off the floor, clearing off counter spaces, etc

Rearrange things - Move your bed to a new corner of your room, change around the furniture, decorate in new ways that you haven’t before

Do a thorough clean - take some cleaning wipes to the surfaces, do a load of laundry, vacuum the floor, mop, dust. Make that place shine like the top of the empire state

NOTE: Turn on some dance music while you’re cleaning. Dancing is a great way to get rid of negative vibes, and it’ll help you feel better physically, too. I’ve definitely had some Glee dance sessions alone in my living room and I always come out of it feeling a million times better than I did.

STEP TWO - CLEANSE YOUR MENTAL SPACE

This step may be a bit uncomfortable, but the hope is that you’ll come out of it feeling renewed and with a better flow of your energy. You can do the first few parts of this step while CLEANING your space, but I wouldn’t suggest doing so unless you are experienced in energy work and meditation.

Meditate - find a safe space, one with little to no negative energy, and begin meditating. Scan your body then focus on your mind, what you are thinking about, how your thoughts form, what control you have over those thoughts, etc

Think of the person you’re cutting from your life - this may seem counterproductive, and it may hurt, but let them enter your thoughts. Gather all of your thoughts of them and imagine them forming a big ball of energy. Any time new thoughts of them form, don’t linger on the specific thought too long, just shove it on into the energy ball

Release the energy - take their energy that is stored inside you and picture it releasing from the top of your head. Don’t stop there, because you don’t want the energy lingering around in your space. Push the energy far away from you, up into the sky, beyond the atmosphere and out into space. Somewhere where you will never have to deal with it again

Scan once more - do another scan of your thoughts, how they are forming, and if you notice a difference in how you are feeling both mentally and physically. Do a few stretches and really let yourself feel the lightness of your thoughts and body now

STEP THREE - CLEANSE YOUR PHYSICAL SPACE

Don’t forget little nooks and crannies around the house. Closets, under the sink, the junk drawer that you haven’t opened in literal years that now has battery acid from old batteries all over, literally every space in your home. I’ll list a few methods of cleansing below, but if you’re unable to do these things or don’t have the tools, I would suggest looking up different ways of cleansing a space without using too much of your own energy. This exercise is draining enough as it is, you don’t need that.

Smoke cleansing - this can be done with incense or a bundle of dried herbs. The idea is to light the herbs/incense and wave the smoke around. Smoke is a great way of getting rid of negative energies and entities

Rosemary spray - this one is soooooo easy. Literally just steep some rosemary in water as if you’re making tea, throw it in a spray bottle and start spraying the heck out of everything. Spray it in the air as a freshener, spray surfaces (but be sure to wipe things down with a cloth if you’re doing this), etc

Crystal grid - if you’ve got an abundance of crystals, a good way to get negative energies out is to literally channel them out using a crystal grid. Using stones like Citrine and Selenite as a center help capture the negative energies and send them on their way along the grid. I’d say leave this over night then line windows and doorways with onyx or obsidian or black tourmaline. Black tourmaline would be perfect for this

STEP FOUR - GIVE THANKS

There’s really no way to go about this in this situation, and you definitely don’t have to do this step if you don’t want to, I just think that part of the healing process and letting go of someone is mentally thanking them for the lessons they taught you. I don’t believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason, and specifically with people, most that don’t stay in our lives served the purpose of teaching us something, either about the world, other people, or ourselves.

OPTIONAL - A SPELL TO CUT TIES

I don’t perform a lot of spells. Most of my magick is done through energy work and crystals, not really any sort of ritual. However, I heard of a spell similar to this years ago when I first started my path with witchcraft and it stuck with me through all the twists and turns.

You will need:

2 black candles

string

scissors

lighter/matches

knife or other etching tool

To perform:

Carve your name on one candle and the other person’s name on the other

Place them before you and tie the candles together near the middle

Light the candles all while keeping them in your thoughts, but not in the forefront. Imagine you are both in a crowded room on opposite ends of it, hardly even noticing the other is there

As you imagine them walking out the door, cut the string that connects the candles. Think to yourself or say out loud “I am no longer burdened by _____’s presence”

Let the candles die out on there own, dispose of the string remnants somewhere away from your space (maybe take a nice walk to a local business or something)

The true key to letting go of them is changing the way you respond to thoughts of them. Instead of letting them be negative and painful thoughts, try working toward using the thoughts as a reminder of the good that came from the relationship (ie. the lessons you learned and how you grew as a person because of their presence in your life). I went through something like this with my ex girlfriend. I couldn’t get her out of my head, the pain of thinking of her was becoming physical, my depression was at its worst because of what had happened between us. But over time I learned that I grew so much as a person from being with her. I learned so much about myself, the type of person I am, and how to love myself. This list isn’t a comprehensive cure-all. It may still take time for the pain to go away, but know that one day you’ll be able to think back on these experiences and appreciate them for the life experience they gave you.

I hope this helped, and I hope things get easier for you soon, friend. If you need someone to talk to please please please don’t hesitate to send us a message.

Love and light xoxo

- Mod K Hart

[rewritingtrauma]

Fuck. This. Shit.

Oh hi gentle reader,

Thanks for dropping by.

Where to begin?

First of all, an apology...

I apologise unreservedly for the name of this blog and for the premise of this blog. I have come to realise that this contemporary mindset - which was foundational to this project - that of those-who-are-injured-being-responsible-for-turning-their-victim-hood-to-the-heroes-journey-of-self-actualization is fucking bullshit.

I am writing this, by the way, from my bed. Where I have been all day. Where I was all day yesterday. Because I have been too shaken (my partner calls it "unwell") to leave the house.

This is why I think this mindset is bullshit: Not only does the ideology of victim-turned-hero shift the burden of responsibility for change on to the victims (and minimise the role of the perpetrators), it also doesn't address the massive underlying societal causes of the violence in the first place. By making it about the victims personal transformation (from squashed caterpillar to beautiful butterfly), we do not address the traumas of our contemporary society and of the violent, patriarchal, colonial, white supremacist capitalism which people pass on through their own violent, coercive and life-denying words and actions. Secondly, this mindset is bullshit because it implies that, when the victim fails to heal themselves, they have failed as a person. Failed to take control, to turn things around, to "man-up" or to "turn the other cheek", in this meritocratic society, they haven't "earned" or "deserved" it yet. What's more, there is not room in this mindset for the ongoing agony which is the traumatised brain. If, like me, you have done all the work in your power to heal (Meditate, Exercise, SSRIs, Psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Shamanic Journeying, Journalling, Self Medicating, etc) and continue to work on it daily yet still suffer, this concept of "rewriting trauma" just underscores what poor writers we are, unable to conjure a different reality. What if I am so overwhelmed and overburdened that I cannot, I have almost never been able to, imagine another reality, let alone bring one into being? I guess I'm just a shit writer and all this pain and chaos is my fault?

It's been over a year since I last posted on this blog as I've been undergoing something of a slow burning subterranean change, catalysed by a number of encounters, that is only just now starting to smoke above ground... Over the last year I have been threatened with physical violence by a stranger (white male) near my home; received a long series of uninvited, episodic attacks on my beliefs, politics and ways of life from a man who I previously believed to be a friend and ally (who then gas lighted and alienated me when I expressed my pain and anger at this behaviour); witnessed a close family member (female) be bullied, stalked, and threatened by another (older, male) family member; have been shouted at in the street while working as a personal assistant to a woman in a wheelchair (by a white, middle aged man); had to challenge gas lighting from a male family member after discovering their concealed porn addiction; been aggressively, verbally attacked (and shouted at) by a mature male (white) student while conducting a lecture; and all the while completely unsupported by the societal structures which are meant to aid us when in need. Worse, when I have sought help, support, and/or protection, I've been told no or else it's not a problem. There is something very gendered about all of this and, while it's nothing new, the frequency and the intensity of these attacks has been seriously disturbing and oftentimes frightening.

Over the last year I have been in an increasingly rapid cycle of boom and bust (where now the busts are so frequent and so heavy they virtually merge into one uninterrupted constant). All of these encounters, individually and cumulatively, have left me with burnouts, breakdowns, and the worst negative internalisation I've known since I was a kid. I've had suicidal ideations, blackouts, insomnia, fainting attacks, I've had the shakes so bad I had to sit on a pavement and wait for them to pass. I've had brain fog so heavy that I can't even make simple decisions like what pair of socks to wear or been unable to engage in even nice plans like seeing friends or listening to (and hearing) conversations on the phone. And all the time, every day, I'm working really hard to try and maintain my position as a human being, to be employed so that I can keep a roof over my head, pay for my therapy, doing daily meditations, daily exercises, journalling, eating well (or trying to), anything, everything, the hard fucking work of just keeping going. But it is too hard. I am so tired. It's been over 20 years of this shit and I am no more functional now than I was when I was a suicidal 17 year old. Worse, in many ways. I managed to pass my A levels and keep down a job then. Now, 20 years later, I drop out of every situation I am in, I spin out after even innocuous requests or suggestions, I lose the thread of every thought and 90% of my actions. Because it all gets too much. All the time. It's like living in a vortex.

Fuck it.

Fuck these patriarchal systems of inequality and oppression that bring all of this about and then fail to support those who fall out. And if you are reading this and can't recognise these systems - you're in it. I recommend you go outside - go to your local food bank or job centre, talk to people about their experiences. Go to the PIPs assessment centre nearest you, the immigration detention centre, or come and have a chat with me (don't do that, I don't want to see anyone but the cat). If you don't want to go inside, go online. Look at the statistics for child poverty in your area, for life expectancy, employment. Talk to a friend or neighbour who is not employed by their family about how it is. Look at the Extinct Ocean Animals list or UNHCR's 2022 statistics for refugees... This white, colonial, patriarchal system is sick.

Fuck it all. I am fucking done. When I can get out of this bed I'm leaving, I'm not participating anymore.

If I'm the canary, and this is the coal mine, you have been warned.

Ix

[survey--s]

624.

Who in your family has been married the longest? (and how long?) My grandparents were married for about 65 years before my granddad passed away at 89.

Do you have any Eastern European ancestry? Nope.

Where is your car parked right now? On the opposite side of the street.

When did you last travel alone? Where were you going? I mean, I drove home from work yesterday if that counts as travel, lol.

Do you take your shoes off when you come inside? Yeah, we're a no-shoes inside home.

What’s your favorite movie series? Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Carribean.

How are you feeling today? Tired - it's my one chance this week to have a lie-in and of course Mike woke me up at 5.40am -___-

Look to the right - what’s the first thing you see? The dog.

^^ What does that thing remind you of? Uhh, the dog? lol. He doesn't really remind me of anything else.

What was the first color you ever dyed your hair? I had like, blonde/amber highlights when I was a teenager.

What is something that’s considered a luxury, but you wouldn’t want to live without? Scented wax melts.

Do you want to move anytime soon? No.

Did you have coffee this morning? I've had three coffees already today, lol.

How good/bad was the quality of education you received in high school? The education was great but I hated school as a general rule.

What was the most interesting year of your life, and why? Uh, I guess 2020 was pretty interesting - for obvious reasons but also personally it was a year with a lot of changes.

What was the first social media site you ever used? Bebo or MySpace.

Do you have any exes you really regret dating? No. What brand of laundry detergent do you use? Just Tesco own brand.

Are you prone to mood swings? When I'm due my period, yeah.

Have you ever lied on a resume? Or even in a job interview? Not on a CV, but in an interview, yeah.

Of all your friends & family, who has the most nicely-decorated home? Ooh, this is a good question. I love Suzanne's house as it's always so neat and clean. Susie's is lovely and comforting too.

What was the last thing you bought, other than food? D-Mannose tablets for the cat, lol.

Do you smoke? Or vape? No, neither.

What are you dreading right now? I'm not dreading it, but I'm not really looking forward to feeding Jess - she's such a madam and was blocking the stairs/hissing at me last night hahah. I don't trust her so I had to just leave it - she tried to attack me the other day. For reference, Jess is a cat and she is the devil, lol.

What brought about the end of the worst relationship you’ve been in? He turned out to be a compulsive liar.

Where was the last place you spent the night other than your own home? Tracey's house on a pet sit.

Do you have any step- or half-siblings? Nope.

Have you ever been catcalled? Of course.

How old were you when you started scheduling your own doctors appointments? 18.

Have you ever driven across an international border? Yeah, to Scotland multiple times.

When was the last time you spoke to a neighbor? Yesterday or the day before, I think it was.

Is your best friend male or female? Female.

When was the last time you washed your bed sheets? Yesterday. They get washed/changed every Friday.

What do people always seem to think is weird about you? I have no idea. You'd have to ask them.

Ever notice how high schools in movies/tv shows are portrayed way differently than in real life? Sure, but most things in TV shows etc. are totally different to reality.

Do you ever braid your hair? Very rarely these days. I guess I do more often in winter to keep my hair off my face and out of the wind.

What food sounds the most appetizing right now? I'm not really hungry right now.

[joeyloganho]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5- Oh God, We Barely Survived

(A/N: My first Felix fic. He's on my mind right now. I don't know WHAT exactly about him is on my mind, but something. So I figured I'd write it out. This is not based on the canon timeline.)

Pairing: Felix x Victor (me)

Word count: 1070

Genre: ?? Angsty i guess, with some fluff maybe

Warnings: Small ment. of nsfw, alcohol, etc

OK TO RB!!

~

Victor remembered when they met. The young man had started a job at the burger joint as a waiter. He didn't expect to meet anyone of interest there. He just got the job as a means to get extra money to be able to get a new apartment.

They warned him Felix wouldn't show up. He had heard from all the other waiters and waitresses and even the other workers in the restaurant, that despite him opening the place with his friend, he would not show up. They knew him at this point. He had a lot going on. It was like he was too caught up in his head to go to the restaurant to check in.

So there Victor was, his first day at the restaurant, not expecting one of the owners of the place to show up. Hell he didn't even know what he looked like, so how would he know if he showed up or not?

Felix had been drinking that day. Of course he had. Why would he be doing anything but? His wife left a note that day. She left him. He didn't need her. He didn't need anyone. He wasn't going to chase after her, what kind of man would chase after someone like that?

So he drank his sorrows away, and drove to the restaurant. He kept the bottle hidden in the backseat of his car. Jack, the other owner saw him stumbling in, and smiled at him, trying to ignore the obvious smell of alcohol coming off him.

"Hello Felix." Jack said to him, and he simply walked past him into the break room. There were some of the waiters, sitting and smoking cigarettes, talking about their lives. Felix stood there silently, watching them. Everyone grew silent.

Victor looked at him awkwardly. He could tell he was the other owner, just by how the others had described him. Felix looked back at Victor, and they had a silent stare down for a moment.

"Who are you?" Felix asked quietly. Victor looked around before answering.

"I'm Victor. I'm new here. I started today." Victor told him. Felix kept staring at him.

"Why...?" Felix asked. Victor was unsure what to say.

"Because I needed a job, sir." Victor said quietly. Felix coughed.

"OK." He said. "I need help, can you help me?" And with that sentence, he walked out. Victor stood up quickly to follow after him.

"What can I help you with?" Victor asked. Felix leaned against the wall, holding his head.

"Drive me home. I'll pay you double. Triple! Your week's pay. Just...drive me home." Felix said.

"Sir, I..." Victor began.

"Please." Felix said, less of a question and more of a statement. Victor nodded and took his keys.

~

Days turned to weeks, and those turned into months. Felix spent nights alone in the bed he once used to share. He thought of having someone next to him. Just to hold. Just to feel something again.

"I need a drink..." He said out loud, sitting up. He looked over at the time. Midnight. He let out a sigh, getting out of the bed to go to the kitchen for a drink. Making his way through the dining room, he stopped at the phone.

"Call me if you need me (number) - Victor". The napkin sat by the phone. He hadn't called him. It was too late to call him. He would see him tomorrow. Maybe. If he ended up making it to the restaurant before it closed.

"No..." Felix told himself. "Don't call him. He doesn't want to be bothered..."

Truth was, Victor did want to be bothered. He really wanted Felix to call him. He wanted to know that he was ok. He wouldn't be mad if he called. He was still wide awake, wondering how he was. He hadn't seen him in 2 days. He hadn't showed up to work. Hell, he didn't even know if he was still alive, or if he drank himself over the edge.

*ring ring*

Victor jumped up, grabbing for the phone. "Hello?" he answered. He heard Felix on the other end.

"You're still awake?" Felix asked with a soft laugh. Victor sighs in relief. He sounded sober.

"Yeah. Never fell asleep if I'm being completely honest with you." He tells him. Felix rolls the phone cord between his fingers.

"Are you doing anything?" He asks. Victor smiles.

"No...why?" He questions, and Felix lets out a shaky laugh.

"Do you want to come over?" Felix asked him. Victor is silent for a moment before he finally speaks.

"I'll be there soon." He told him.

~

Hours became days. Victor never left, but it was because Felix didn't want him to. He was the warmth that he yearned for at night. He was the company he needed to keep his mind off the bottles.

But he still hated himself. He still missed her. The divorce papers had been filed. Felix knew that people were wondering what was going on between he and Victor. He kept it to himself. Victor's co-workers asked him multiple times a day if he was fucking his boss. Victor wouldn't say a word. But everyday that they went home together, the suspicions raised. What were they doing behind closed doors?

Truth be told, they didn't even know. There wasn't much talking. They never seemed to need to talk to communicate. Sometimes Felix would make food, sometimes Victor did. They'd lay on the couch, holding each other in comfortable silence. They'd lay in bed, silent. Felix would wake up before Victor. He'd make them coffee. Victor would wake up and make breakfast. They usually showered together.

Victor never batted an eye when Felix asked him to move in officially. He simply went to his apartment and packed. He knew it was going to happen soon. It was almost a year that this had been happening, and it was only a matter of time before Felix would ask.

~

People figured it out after a while. They saw the moving trucks. They saw how the two acted together. They saw them holding hands on walks, them resting their head on the other's shoulder. The kisses that eventually moved from secret to public. They didn't hold back from a peck on the cheek in public anymore. Everyone knew what was happening.

And now, so did Felix and Victor. It was rather obvious. It was love.