#and now i feel anxious about going to work tomorrow
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From the Kurogiri’s meditating post- nice to see him and Yabureme getting along better!
#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#kurogiri#nomu aizawa#Yabureme Aizawa AU#haha what no nothing's changed#Kurogiri just let Yabureme sleep on him because..... uhh......#because if Yabureme doesn't sleep he can't do his job!!#yeah that's it!#that's the answer!#I really want to write for my fics but uh all of that. ficbinding stuff going on#freaks me out a little#my work isn't nearly seen enough to be targeted but I typically get anxious over things that COULD but DON'T effect me#so for now I may just draw stuff and update fics when I feel better about the landscape#or I may change my mind tomorrow WHO KNOWS
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#ive been stressing all day about a purchase i'm not even making lol#i have mental problems sjfmsjg#no but for real i was reviewing the tablet i had decided on to buy in the distant future#and found out it's actually not very good for drawing which is the sole reason i want to get a tablet#and i got physical symptoms of anxiety and dread as if i had wasted money#on a thing I DIDN'T BUY#but then i found another tablet which is good for drawing and it's a bit more expensive#and once again i got the anxiety levels of someone being hunted for sport#for another product I DIDN'T BUY#but it's just this horrible timing thing that's making me anxious#because it's a lot of money that i have to spend on this#and I don't have a regular income#and my country's economy is hell to the point that by tomorrow the price could double without warning#and there's also there's some sales coming so maybe i should wait til then#but then also i have to catch the sale and the product i want#and also the holidays are coming so the price might spike up#and i never know when the correct time to buy anything is!!#and this folks is why I don't gamble lol#no but for real... i have been panicking all day and I don't even have a proper reason#i could also live without the tablet very well so it feels like a waste of money in general#so...#i have issues with spending money...#especially because I don't know when it's gonna be the next time i get work#could be next week... could be in six months... could be never again...#if i just could get hired for a proper project woth a decent pay...#ahhh the dream :')#ok i'm gonna go to bed now (if my stupid ear '''''infection'''''' lets me...)#life is hell but at least i got to boop people today <3#angel talks#personal
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im send you the strength for the car search, beep beep 🚗
HOW I FELT TBQH
thank you so much for the strength, comrade ;;;; i really did need it
current conclusion of the day: i am still car-less. new dealerships are smarmy and used dealerships are sketchy.
i spent way too much time with one bc he wouldn't give us a hard number and then when he did it was like. 2k over budget and 7k more in fees, including 3k on a package thing i didn't even actually WANT but couldn't be taken off. it was the only car i did a test drive of and i am suspicious of how slow it accelerated. needless to say i did not buy that car.
went to a used dealer who was sketchy as FUCK and all of the cars had some sort of visible damage on the exterior 👍 pretty sure they were taking wrecked cars and rebuilding them. did not even actually talk to the salesperson there.
got super dejected. definitely planned on crying when i got home.
last ditch effort we swung by the used place off the exit that i always pegged as a little sketchy, just to give it a quick look. officially my new favorite place. despite the fact we literally pulled in while they were closing, the lady came out to talk to us and give us a few prices. cars were newer, looked to be in good condition. she gave the price and it was like 3-4k over but the monthly might be as low as like $250 which is actually BELOW what i was thinking ??? which is the only possible red flag but we're going back in the morning when they're actually open to test drive and talk more.
actually left with some hope and i no longer feel like crying. also my dad bought me a sub for dinner.
#to clarify: we had actually thought they had already closed but we just wanted to look at the cars real quick to get an idea it#im a little sus about the monthly being that low when the price is over what i was looking at#BUT if it's true and real i am so excited#going to have to google the cars we saw and look into them a little#but im actually so ???#idk#i am so much less anxious after going to that last place i was genuinely losing all hope#so#i feel so much lighter#i am also 100% attributing this turn-around to your ask bc i looked at it again while we were driving to the last place#and then!!! and then :)#askers#cozy-fish-crow#shh ac#now to look up cars and then watch some more bsd#since i can afford to stay up a little later since i don't have work tomorrow
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i'm excited to move but i'm So Anxious about quitting my job. i've kept putting off telling them but i think i just need to get it out. and the thing is i never wanted to be here and i am getting so tired and sad and feeling so stuck i just need to get out. even if that means moving back to my hometown. and geographically it's closer to where i want to be.
#sorry 2 keep personal posting tonight. but i'm like Ready but i'm Anxious bc things are starting to go really well at work. and we're all#pretty much leaving at the same time. but i have to not feel guilty for what i'm leaving behind. that's not my responsibility.#i've been like ok i'll wait for the new installation. i'll wait for the website to go live. i'll wait for after graduations.#and now i'm like do i wait for after my vacation or do i tell them asap so they can hire someone and i can train them. and i planned on#doing it this morning but my boss was in and out before i got in. but tomorrow i should be alone w my other boss at some point.#and if not then i'll be with them both on saturday. welcome to my brain thanks 4 reading my thought process. my tummy hurts about all of it#and sorry 2 sound like a 2013 pop punk song?? but i do hate this town.#ri.txt
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I don't like thinking about work unless I'm at work but I have to talk through smth ignore me or whatever
#i want to quit soon but i dont know when the best time is#im working the next 2 mon/tues and then im off until the 14th#and the schedule for august isn't out yet so the last day im scheduled for now is the 25th#usually the schedule comes last minute#im considering..... telling my boss that my last day will be the 25th tomorrow#but if im going to do it i have to do it tomorrow#mayyyyybe Tuesday ig but i would wanna do it next week#but i cant see who im working with before i go in anymore. which is so terrible for so many reasons#i need to prepare before i go in and part of that is knowing who im gonna see but whatever#not only that but i wont know if my boss will be there for me to be able to quit until im there tomorrow#im also super anxious about quitting anyway i don't wanna have that conversation#and then i have to start looking for a new job#and im trying to move in the spring i need money#i did think... i could possibly bring the letter of resignation tomorrow.. hope he wont be there & leave it on his desk#and text him that it's there. but then theres not much of a conversation to be had#idek exactly how youre 'supposed to quit' but to me those rules are for employers you respect 💀#i dont respect these people ✌️#the only thing i feel bad about is that there'll only be one baker left in the company (6 almost 7 stores)#but its also not my fault that they haven't hired anyone and cant keep employees#i would've LOVED some help over the last few months as ive been the only baker in this district of 3 stores!!! they never hired anyone!!!!#i just have really not appreciated the way they've been treating me recently with all of the anxiety stuff#i also dont appreciated how my rights of privacy were violated 😀#and its literally coming to the point where im going to have to have uncomfortable conversations that i dont want to have#and/or literally take or at least threaten some legal action#or just quit!! and its not like im gonna be here much longer anyway even if i dont leave right now#i almost feel like... do i have a responsibility to hold them accountable for what they've done so it hopefully doesn't happen again#but idk i mean i didn't make them do this#tbh the more i think about it the more i want to quit tomorrow. im just nervous. and scared of not having a paycheck#idk its just scary!!! life is scary!!!!!
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Drinking wine in the shower. Self care
#Not very efficient but alas#I feel a bit better now#Angry and anxious about tomorrow though. Don't want to go to work.#I just want to sleep and feel bad about myself#But I guess I have the whole weekend for that?#Partner is out of town so it's just me and the cats anyway#nagnerd
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i feel like a huge worthless failure for calling out of work today which is so dumb and stupid like. i’m gonna die someday. and i’m sitting here freaking out about the fact that i’m not working at my minimum wage job. for one day. like what the HELL is that. i’m already suffering which is why i called out but the suffering doesn’t end, it’s just complicated by guilt. and part of me knows i shouldn’t feel guilty, but i can’t stop. it feels like everyone’s judging me because i can’t even do the bare minimum right now. i feel so ashamed, but i’m so angry that i feel ashamed. i know i shouldn’t have to. but i do. it’s like. obligatory. it’s such a disgusting feeling.
#i’m honestly thinking about putting in my two weeks at this job and going to work for liam and his family again#especially if they try to write me up for this. like. i WANT to keep this job and take advantage of the benefits#but i’m not right now nor am i even in any kind of position to do that anytime soon#idk i’m just gonna talk to my therapist tomorrow#working for liam would. FREE UP my schedule MASSIVELY i just. would not be making as much money#idk. he’s gonna talk to his family about it today so. we’ll see ig.#i might make dinner for him and his dad tonight to just. Feel Like I’m Contributing Something#sigh. i feel so awful right now.#my ocd is just so so so so terrible these days the intrusive thoughts won’t stop#my stomach hurts all the time and i’m anxious about it all the time and it’s just.#a vicious and unrelenting cycle i feel terrified constantly. trapped in this hell body
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hello o7
#chaos.txt#aughhh im so tired. not enough spoons to do private life updates so im just... sending it out to everyone#uhmmm im doing good! have not made as much progress on my neocities as i wanted :/ studying is going well though#still quite stressed but less so because i have Been studying#working on a few new carrds + paintings#would like to do some digital art studies .. clouds and landscapes they are calling me ..#what else. i went to go watch astv again! it felt revolutionary in a different way the second time#but i cannot economically justify going again! excited to have it on streaming because i would LOVE to do some scene redraws#listening to worlds beyond number + very much obsessed. been also squinting at a few commentary ytbers cuz some of the stuff they say is..#not. great. i don't fully like em. hm. also been organising my files etc etc. made a cute notion that im not using! as expected#thinking about writing some fic tbh . had some epic watcher ideas a while ago that i would like to explore#im going to ... schedule this. for tomorrow. not in the headspace to . speak . to people. aa. its fine#i miss u guys. i think. i am so anxious and stressed all the time !! aagh. so dramatic. so dramatic chaos. what a mess. goodbye lads#see uuu all . in maybe 10 days .nods. maybe another life update in 10 days. because my exam is in 20#this exam is so so so important guys. idk. why it feels more important than everything else ive done for the application process but it doe#and it. stresses .me .out. ok gbye forreal now
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Yikes my friends I am exhausted. Being alive? Exhausting. Have some veggies tonight*
#*even if they’re in a can hahahah#still counts!!!#i was going to write about how much today sucked#but then I erased it all and I’m just going to say#today did suck ahd I want tomorrow to be better#going to make a list of things that will make me feel better#i am happy with the packing I did this evening and I am happy with what I did at work today#even though I’m anxious about things I am okay#it’s really nice to just have myself to worry about right now#okay list of things coming soon!
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auuudggghghhrhrhrbrr
#okay I’m feeling Bad and I need to unpick why before I’ll be able to sleep#friend is asking abt lunch on Friday when I already have standing commitment w other friends then so I can’t do that.#but I also go home on Sunday and I can’t do shit until Friday bc work and I have plans on Saturday so I just. can’t see them#which. I guess makes things easier actually that’s not something I can control and I’m not changing existing plans that’s unfair#I’m also listening to a playlist of old music (Apple Music generated favourites — so literally random picked from everything I’ve ever done#and the last few songs have made me feel Bad bc of being associated with certain times but song playing rn is definitively a good song#w a good memory attached and it’s MY song not one of my old friends#okay where are we#I’m stressed abt presentation on Thursday but also a non issue. I’m prepared. I have all day tomorrow to practice and read up more#and then it’s 20 minutes on Thursday morning I’ll be done before 10am#I am. a little frustrated on a broader scale about the role I’m currently occupying#in that w a bunch of my friends I’m having to be the one with their shit together and dealing with their Stuff.#mostly in the way that I have to be putting in extra effort to tiptoe around them and steer stuff to keep them happy#i can do it i can do it easily I’ve just tasted not having to now so it’s. noticeably different having to do it more#i do Not have the words to talk abt this in the way I want to it’s so annoying#it’s like. I know how my friend responds to stuff. I know the things that make her anxious and what her instinctual responses will be#and I’m constantly having higher level thoughts planning out how things will go it’s effortless and constant it’s just There#with everyone all the time but sometimes I use it more and sometimes I have to because I’m in a position where if I don’t we’ll get nowhere#and I don’t like that I’m having to worry abt keeping other people happy while I’m talking to my friends it removes me a layer from stuff#hrm. there are broader questions here abt the utility of this bc like. sure it helps in some situations#but this probably isn’t great long term for either of us. wild. goddamn talking to my friend abt philosophy opened new parts of my brain#anyway I cba to have those thoughts rn! it’s midnight! I’m going to bed in half an hour <3#it’s honestly unfair that I have to do anything other than be gay and play pokemon#luke.txt#uaUrghrhfhjs I’m also being insane abt a guy. which is predictable and I feel stupid abt for multiple reasons but. here we are.#I’m being insane. and maybe I should be less mean to myself but I feel like I’m being insane.#I think! I need to go to bed!#I am not being insane I am having feelings and that is allowed. feelings are typically regarded as a pretty normal thing to have.#philosophy friend is gonna be so mad at me if anything comes of this but it’s fine and if it does I think I’ll be pretty happy anyway#point is I’m doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong and I’m allowed to feel whatever the hell I like. okay.
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“I mistook rainy days for overcast days” when planning a trip to the PNW. In the fall. When you hope to see the sun for the eclipse.
Bless your heart
“Can you pick up eclipse glasses for [friend]?”
I mean I will try to remember to do so, but like, you’re asking me Wednesday evening when I’ve written off all need to have to track any down because we’re all grown-ass adults who can take care of themselves, and I also sent you the article about it last week, AND the partial eclipse is still visible for you if you weren’t coming here, so some places are apparently selling them!
#I am extremely grumpy today/this evening#so I recognize that I’m prickly about fucking everything#I would feel more charitable if it was the non-men coming#BUT!!! oh well!!!#the next two days I also have three back to back meetings to START the day which is my least favorite thing#(even though one of the meetings tomorrow is with scone)#(but I have to take it at work which he’s going to be a little whiny about but my dude that’s what happens#if you want to zoom at 9 PM Thursday saudi time)#and I’m feeling inadequate and shitty and lazy and stupid#so I’m anxious and that means I’m grumpy. and the weather sucks.#and my tummy hurts and I can’t trust my bowels#SOOOOOOOO I just. shouldn’t be talking to anyone right now#ugh
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My partner is off to the office soon to play online games with their friends. I had planned to write a bit, or at least try to. But honestly? This day has sucked and I'm emotionally exhausted. I think I'll just go to bed way too early and deal with waking up in the middle of the night when it happens. Tomorrow will either be better or worse but that's future me's problem. Current me no longer gives any fucks.
#vent post#this hasn't been the worst week of my life but it's been pretty shitty#tornado hit near my house the other day#we got lucky and only had some really strong wind and thunder but it was closer than I'd like#my cat died and another is acting weird tonight and i really don't want to have to go back to the vet already#I'm going to give her some kitty electrolytes tomorrow and some recovery food that's been recommended and see how she does#i was late to my appointment today and I'm not sure how i feel about this doctor#they didn't really listen to me but they at least partially listened to my partner#they did however send my for lab work to test for everything which is nice#but also sucked because i wasn't mentally and physically prepared for a blood draw and now i feel like crap#I'm glad i got it out of the way today because it gives me less time to be anxious about it but also it sucks#dropped off our tax papers and I'm fully expecting a phone call tomorrow because i think i missed one#picked up dinner tonight as a treat and decided to try something new and couldn't eat it#it wound up being so spicy i got sick#so now my stomach is messed up on top of everything else#things will get better but it's hard to see it right now#maybe some sleep will help#maybe I'll get lucky and won't dream
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ah. have officially hit the point of exhaustion for this move that unless someone literally sets a plate of food in front of me, i'm not going to be able to feed myself.
well... i will be able to feed myself. because i'm amazing at breaking through my own limits no matter the cost, because support is not something i get to have. it's fine. i'm great at this. having support needs is irrelevant when there is no one *to* help. so i just gotta figure it out.
#personal#i will probably grudgingly drag myself to the kitchen within the hour#but the meat i was hoping to cook will have to go in the freezer#i have no clue what i'll have for lunch at work tomorrow but i can't worry about that now i'm sorry future me ;_;#i was doing so well on stamina for this move but then i had a really bad nights sleep and tried to self medicate but drank waaay too much#and ruined another night#so i went from gentle cruising to a hard stop and i'm so mad at myself for it#i didn't think ahead at all#just selfish 'how can i feel better NOW'#what about tomorrow?? huh??? how are you going to make it through the week now??;#if you had just *thought* then maybe things wouldn't be so hard#my therapist says i'm a very intentional person and i want to believe them#but i can't because i keep making these stupid thoughtless decisions#like why do i even have a brain if i'm not gonna fuckin use it#i'm so tired. and so hungry. and so anxious about these last few nights at my old place#i gotta get the fuck out of here
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...
#I can't sleep 🙃#I'm very nervous about tomorrow annnd I forgot to take my medication that makes it so I can sleep 🤦#I just took it now because I think I won't sleep at all otherwise#I have to get up in 4 hours and it's going to be such a stressful day 😭#plus I'm getting really anxious about the whole situation with the move and dealing with our old and new landlords and everything 😭#everything feels very uncertain and chaotic and I'm not dealing with it well 😢#but. we'll get our cats next weekend. I'm trying not to think that something will go wrong to prevent that from happening...#but if it does happen that's going to be really good. hopefully. unless it's bad and they suddenly hate us. oh my god I hope the meds will#start working soon this is torture lol#anyway this was probably a horrible decision and we'll regret all of it and it'll be so bad#😭😭😭#(I'm once again wishing I had a nice supportive mother who would make me feel better about something like this instead of worse. I was#honestly kind of okay with it all until she kept bringing up negative things and now I feel like this is the worst decision anyone has#ever made and it'll be a disaster and 😭😭😭)#personal
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#oh i'm SO happy to finally have some decent ideas for my next dnd campaign#i've struggled with the adventure for several weeks now and hated everything i've come up with#turns out i just needed to start over and steal most of the starting adventure plot from my other campaign#just change the scenery a little and tweak everything to fit the themes of these characters and their greater plot points#it would've been a lot less work if i had realized earlier that i can just copy and paste the entire adventure for two different tables#now everyone's plans are finished enough that i needed to make a lot of changes to the copypasted adventure to keep things working#but hey i finally HAVE something#and for the first time in weeks i don't feel horribly anxious thinking about the new game#this is going to be fun!!!!!#also! today i'll finally finally finally get to play tomu again! my girl's coming back!!#it's been so long since we've gotten to play anything#and tomorrow i'll need to keep planning my own campaigns#sussitalk
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how in the hell am i meant to get anything done
#trying to use coffee to self medicate ADHD but it is. not working#and i realized earlier that i was shaking and feeling anxious a little so. im not eager to make more coffee#but alas i've been working nearly nonstop since 9am and now it's 2pm and i think i've hit my limit for today#ough. tomorrow i have. so much to complete#lab report can be put off until friday but prelab has to be done by tomorrow and i have barely studied for the midterm#im gonna see about trying to get there for 8am#how the fuck do people cram i like. feel like i hit a mental brick wall and thats it im done#i think a bunch of us are meeting tomorrow so hopefully i can at least look over condensation reactions and diels alder#not to mention. aldol reactions.#and i dont know if our research proposals are due next week or not like?????#this is literally our major term assignment and he hasnt said a word about it aside from 'you'll get feedback on what you've done soon'#sometime before its due which#i wrote it down in may that it's due next friday but i think he'd be reminding us by now if it was?????#my autism assessment is on tuesday and there's still things i need mom to do and things to figure out financially#im so fucking stresseddddddd#and we're going camping in late august and literally the only full day we're gone is the day im meant to get my report for my assessment#so im like “i nEED cell service that day”#vent
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