#idk. he’s gonna talk to his family about it today so. we’ll see ig.

[schisms]

i feel like a huge worthless failure for calling out of work today which is so dumb and stupid like. i’m gonna die someday. and i’m sitting here freaking out about the fact that i’m not working at my minimum wage job. for one day. like what the HELL is that. i’m already suffering which is why i called out but the suffering doesn’t end, it’s just complicated by guilt. and part of me knows i shouldn’t feel guilty, but i can’t stop. it feels like everyone’s judging me because i can’t even do the bare minimum right now. i feel so ashamed, but i’m so angry that i feel ashamed. i know i shouldn’t have to. but i do. it’s like. obligatory. it’s such a disgusting feeling.

[bitch-sexy-blog1]

Day 1 - Angie

Monday 8:48 am:

Text from Dom:  “Hola!!! I miss you!  So curious how you be, wanna catch up? <3”

I wake up to this text.  3 mosquito bites on my forehead.  Some IG memes.  Snapchats.  Along with a slight depression because I am still funemployed and I hate not working.  Oh, and to texts from my other ex-boyfriend Jake who reached out because his step-father passed away this week.  

*Mind tries to swallow these feels*

9:50 am: Sends Mila a screenshot of Quinn’s text

9:53 am: Mila:  Oh my god.  Are you going to respond???????

*falls back asleep until MUFUGGING 4 PM* WHO THE FUK AM I.

(Dom is a well-known (I guess you could say famous) DJ ex-boyfriend of mine whom I asked to never reach out to me again back in January after the X-Games.  That was my breaking point of our “trying to be friends after dating” situation.  He is the reason I have an unordinarily negative outlook on love, relationships, and men.  And yet I still compare every guy I date to him.  How obsessed we were with each other, how we communicated, how we loved...I can’t put into words how it felt.  The best part was that it was mutual each step of the way.  But as time went on, we both changed.  Unfortunately for me, he turned into a lying, egotistical fuckboi.  He was a world-class manipulator and controlled my every move like I was his personal puppet.   He was also the *only* person who could make me cum in 30 seconds.  Yay for me.  After I found out about his sleezy nature and about all the PLUR baby girls he was banging, I could no longer cum.  Not even once.  That was it.  The flame burnt out.  Sexually, mentally, emotionally.  We tried and tried and tried and it just wouldn’t happen.  You can still try to love when your mind’s not in it, but when your heart’s not in it too, that’s when it’s game over.  Time to move on.  I appreciate the times we had because now I know how to love deeply.  I also knew what it felt like to be vulnerable, for once.  

Year 1 and 2 he showed me what true love was like.

Year 3 he tried to have an open relationship with me (with it being open on his end only, mind you) and consistently told me it’s natural for men to have multiple partners because they crave “sexual diversity”.  Even though he thought I was perfect, he still wanted a taste of something different.  He would tell me “if you don’t want any guy to cheat on you, you’re gonna have to get with a plumber.  Because guys in this day in age, if they’re successful, attractive, and are charming, they are going to have multiple partners.  That’s how it should be.”  He told me, “I become even more addicted to YOU, because of how free you allow me to be.”  

Pshhh, keep that shit away from me mayne.

Here is where my negative outlook on men began to cultivate.

Anyway, so I wanted him out of my life.  I felt like he was toxic to my mind and I just didn’t want him to flood my thoughts anymore.  I politely asked him to stop reaching out weekly and he freaked out.   He tried to text me four or five times after, and my short and disinterested responses seemed to have worked.  I haven’t heard from him since April.  And it’s been great!

However, it’s hard to escape his entirety.  My friends in Atlanta are all obsessed with his music.  He developed a friendship with my brother.  I still even enjoy his music.  His old body guard still messages me.  I can’t escape Stage Name, but I can still try and escape Dom.).

This text was like woah for me this morn.  

Rewind two days:

I had just talked with the guy I’ve been seeing Quinn (who is also in the music industry) about how Dom and I don’t talk anymore.  He seemed curious about it and said, “Doesn’t he live like 20 min away from you?”  I said yes, but trust me, he doesn’t know I live out here.  And I asked him not to reach out to me a while ago.  He hasn’t.  It’s fine.  Don’t worry.”   This happened Saturday night as I lay in his lap, listening to Deadmau5, looking up at the sky (and his cute ass face).  He was asking me all sorts of questions.  How many relationships have you been in, how long were they, etc.  

Soon after, we all packed into Dan’s car heading to an after-party at Mike’s loft.  As I sat on Quinn, knee to face and ass in lap, he bit my ear, kissed my neck, kept turning my head to make out with me...all in front of everyone.  After we had talked about how he doesn’t need to worry about Quinn, how I’m a good girl that doesn’t just hook up, and how I’m a deep girl with deep feelings, he seemed to have no worries at all.  I liked that.  He couldn’t stop hugging me.  I noticed that I didn’t care about PDA at all either, which is unusual for me.  PDA?  Me?  Naw…..well, I suppose yes with him :)

We hung out on the rooftop overlooking the ATL skyline.  Soon we both got tired and head to bed.  Of course, we ended up having sex even though the bedroom had missing walls (I get that it’s a loft but like, what about privacy?  Y tho).  Pretty sure people heard us.  But, again…..we didn’t care.   

Sunday:

*Alarm goes off* 12:10pm

Angie:  Shit.  Need to get up.  Guess I’ll get up and see how I look.  *Looks in mirror*  Okay, not too bad.  We can make this work.  A little foundation, brushed teeth, and change of clothes and I’ll be Gucci.

12:15pm: *whispers to Quinn*

Yo...we have to leave in 15.  You don’t have to come, but just letting you know.

Quinn: Wakes up all squinty-eyed.  Curly-headed mess.  Zombie walks to the bathroom and moans.  Walks back to bed.

I sift through my tiny gym bag of necessities (thanks to Skiplagged even tho I love you Skiplagged) and find a cute, chill outfit to wear.  In 10 min, I look gewwwwwd.  Slight bags underneath my eyes but that’s inevitable after a festival weekend.

I tap on Quinn to let him know I’m calling the Lyft.  He gets up, stares at the wall for 30 seconds (I look at him like ...da fuq.  He spaces off randomly and IDK if he’s really not thinking about anything or what but...I curious about you sometimes dawg) but then he finally makes moves and puts his shoes on, and says “Mmmk.  I’m ready.”

We meet my mom and brother for lunch.  My mom is being extra cute and Asian and Quinn just giggles and stares at me the whole time.  I keep putting food on his plate to eat (Korean style) and he just kept eating.  What a doll.  He tried everything too.  What. A. Doll.  Even though he’s the second guy I’ve ever introduced to my family, my fam kept it pretty chill.  I think they know not to get attached to any guy I talk to now ‘til it’s reaaaal.  But still.  Props to my fam.  They were very welcoming and adorable.  I knew he really liked them.

My brother drops us off at the loft again and we pass out for a couple hours.  <Insert last quiet attempt at sex here>   We did ittttttt.  Both came too.  Tehe.  I still couldn’t get on top because the bed squeaked too much, but still.  Fun times.

We both head to the airport and he’s constantly touching and grabbing me along the way.  He asked, “You think we’ll have time to dine?” I smiled, “Dine?...Yes, I think so.”  And he smiled back.

We “dined” at Grindhouse Killer Burgers and just chatted.  Kept looking at the time, hoping time would pass slower.

I had 5 minutes until boarding ended, so we started to walk towards my gate.  Right before we got there, he asked when I’d see him again.  Of course I agreed to come down to LA.  We kissed goodbye and I hopped on my flight just in the knick of time.  Had bitch seat in between one chick playing loud ass electronic music and another watching football on her phone the whole time chewing her gum like Cardi B would (one of my biggest pet peeves).  And no TV.  So I decided to just try and sleep the entire way.

Decide to take BART home.  I see McD’s next to the station...so I decide to make moves.

Get home to wifey Mila.  I have a McDouble in hand.  I plop down on the couch and eat my burgz.  I barely ate all weekend so it was pretty fucking delicious.  We talk some then both decide to go to sleep.

I had awful sleep because I kept getting mufugging bit in the face by mosquitoes lurking in my room.  

I woke up Monday like…………………..is this for real?  Universe.  I see you.

Dom...really?  Now?

Also, last time I got bit in my face by a mosquito was when I was with Quinn on a hike a couple years ago and my forehead literally grew an inch because of how I react to mosquito bites.  He constantly laughed at me because of how cute it was to him.  Was this foreshadow, Universe?  Cuz...I still see you.

Anyway, all this is making me question if I could be with someone in the music industry again.  I lurked Quinn’s IG haaaard the other day and it was all fest/show life.  

I really dig Quinn, but during this next trip, I want to get to know him more and see what his everyday life is like.  And what his normal communication is like.  I can’t tell if he’s just shy and quiet or if he likes to keep the game interesting by being quiet.  I told Mila I want to have a communication level to a degree where Quinn and I shared, and she was like, “You compare every guy to Quinn,” and I was like…damn, you’re right.  But just because I want that communication level doesn’t mean I want a guy like Quinn.  Quinn is a broken dude who will always be broken.  I just look for the way our convo flowed.  Kinda like the way Mila and my convo flows.  I need that.  

So, bought my flight to LA (exact same one as Mila cuz she’ll be there for her poker playaz) today.  

Oct. 13…………oh lordt.

(I also messaged my bartending connect today.  We are meeting this weekend.  I think I’m gonna go this route for now.  Fukkkk sales.  I mentioned this so you don’t think I’m a lazy POS, lulz).  But really.  I am excited to see where this goes.

11:20pm:  Mila’s Jonah Hill doppelgänger just called.  He’s totally in love and trying to pay for her flight out this weekend.  She’s playing it cool by saying she has to check with her boss (which I’m sure she does) but I can tell wifey needs to think a lil about it.  I’m so curious to see how this weekend would go for her if she decides to go.  He’s suggesting she stay a good amount of time.  Her and this super sexy dark Kocoum look-a-like (who is roomies with Jonah at the cheez mansion) have this intense chemistry going on, and I’m sooooo curious to see how it unravels.  If she doesn’t go this weekend, Mila and I are both going to be in LA Oct. 13th wknd.  We are gonna have two completely different blog entries, I can tell ya that much, lolz.  I’ll be with Quinn mostly and she’s gonna have to fend off Chuck and Jonah, but try and sneak away with Kocoum.  Also while trying to slay at poker.  I happened to be at this mansion during fight night in LA a couple weeks before with Quinn and met all these guys.  Completely randomly with different connects.  The one guy I noticed and thought was cute was the guy she picked out--Kocoum.  Go Mila :) 

Arrrittttee.

****Time to sign off****

-Angie

[justafastfoodknight]

i hope that by starting this post i’ll want to keep writing.. bcz rn i’m not too into it, but i know i have to.

well we got our new manager last week and it’s been alright.. she’s cool.. a little too into customer service and shit but whatever... she says she has a lot of plans to fix our store so we’ll see.

but speaking of that... i’m ready to change jobs again. it’s been like two years and I want to do something around people my age and shit. not sure what, but i’m gonna list some options maybe tomorrow. (i’m really hoping at some movie theater!!!!! :’))

been getting really fed up with my manager at the café who i was cool with. since one of the cooks recently had a baby he went on paternity leave for a week and the manager has been staying to close. he rips at me sometimes and like teases me about shit and it’s not enough for me to be so mad and tell him to blatantly fuck off, but when I ask him something simple and something that I really need answered he’ll just be like why do you wanna know? who is it about? it’s the who, what, where, when q’s all the fucking time.. it’s like dude I WANNA KNOW BUT U DON’T NEED TO. and also like I have no shame (as every girl shouldn’t) to let my hairs grow from my armpits and stuff and one time i was reaching for something and he saw and commented on it. it wasn’t like he was utterly disgusted, but more like why haven’t u shaved? and now he constantly teases me about it. and it’s like whatever but today i was like in a fuck u mood and he came at me with the same shit so i was like “fuck off i don’t need to fucking shave, it’s my body and i’ll do what i want. i don’t fucking belong to you and even if i did you don’t have the right to police my armpits and shit. you don’t shave so why should i?” and then the stupid shit reply of “because i’m a man i don’t need too” holy crap I now have no fucking patience to fight about something as simple in concept as this, to him. so I just told him to shut up and i walked away. he takes it like a joke and shit but like that’s the very beginning of feminism 101 and stupid men can BARELY handle hair still jesus christ it irks the fuck outta me. so yeah i’ve been bickering with him a lot and tbh having a shitty time there now. 

the other day i got off of work about 20 mins before my second job so i just decided to sit down and wait it out. this dude at work that got hired recently named Freddy was on break and just decided to sit with me. at first I thought he was like 16 because he’s on the shorter side, but also has a huge baby face... turns out we’re the same age. he’d always work night shifts so i’d only say wassup or small talk and shit but never really knew much about him and visa versa. so he sat down and we just started talking.. like straight up and it wasn’t awkward. we started asking shit about each other and turns out he’s Guatemalan too... which explains his height lol. but yeah we talked out how he came here from there and how he’s in the process of bringing his whole family here and how he works two jobs and all this other stuff. then, as boys do, he asks me if i have a boyfriend. preface to this... i think or at least have a hunch that he has a crush on me because he looks at me a lot and laughs at the shit i say which is entirely stupid or just not funny. I tell him that i don’t. he then asks why and i say because i don’t need one/don’t want one. at this point i can tell that he’s a good listener and i’m the sucker ass bitch who has a big mouth and talks when anyone even shows the slightest interest so i keep talking.. I go on a rant, a real one, about my shitty habits. I tell him all about me on Tinder and my trust issues and not even feeling like anyone would like me in real life, and so on. Mind you, that I wasn’t fishing for compliments ok.. yeah I think this dude is cute, but not a crush really. I just wanted to tell the truth and kind of explain to someone to see if i could get a different perspective. I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said no, but that it was ok because between two jobs and school, he didn’t think he could handle one. He then told me that I seemed like a cool person and that I wasn’t ugly (god it sounds awful as i type this, cheesy af) and I said thanks kind of and that I was kind of in the process of bettering myself and feeling more comfortable with me (which is true) and yeah. The dude is really nice and easy to talk to and it made me happy, because he actually listened. This was all in the span of 20 mins and then I had to leave. I haven’t talked to him like that since, but I really wanna hang out with him at some point.

now that we’re on the subject of dudes... here’s another one for ya. I’m not sure if i’ve mentioned the dude i matched with on Tinder, but yeah.. We’d been talking for maybe a week straight and then it kind of got boring and he wasn’t really saying anything for me to reply back to so I just didn’t. Then a couple days later he sends me a ‘what’s up?’ message. so i tell him what i’m up to, in detail to see if i can maybe start a convo and i ask him too and he gives me a really short answer and nothing to really go off of.. so i don’t reply again. and prior to this, on new years I was feeling lonely OK, and i told him we should have gone and watched a movie together, but i was sick as a dog by the time he replied and i was like it’s cool some other time. then he told me to let him know when i was free again like next week so i said i would.. but then after that i was like lol nah i don’t really wanna hang out, i’d rather be alone. but i know my bitch ass will start to feel lonely like in a week and do the same shit again. so i’ve been posting movie things on IG and he follows me on there so he sees that i’ve been free and going out. so tonight I went to go see Moonlight and it’s midnight when he sends me a message reading : “Hey so I know you’re not trying to talk to me anymore but I don’t want to give up on talking to you, you’re really cool and I wanna watch movies with you :) I sound pathetic but idc.” I don’t even know how to respond. Part of me wants to say like yeah let’s hang out and get this whole first bf thing over with and catch up on not being a virgin anymore and getting accustomed to being with someone but that’s like almost... not what i wanna do? part of it is fear, i’m not gonna lie. I’ve got major body/self confidence issues and shit but I also love being alone and watching movies alone and just being by my damn self. As much as i say i want someone to do those things with me, it’s like I’m not in the mood to prance around a new person acting a certain way because we only just met. I want to just be myself and not fuck it up. i’m angry at myself for being so analytical about this simple concept but it’s like who tf do i even talk to about this with? I’m starting to think I should get a therapist.

in other news.. I went to go get Pho with Kim the other day when it was raining :;’) (i love hot soup and cold weather!! and we talked about maybe doing a Galentines thing and going to go see The Notebook at the theater I’ve been dying to go to!! and we’re also planning on Dragcon again this year and she keeps telling me that her other friend really wants us to all get together and meet so we can have a sort of squad and that makes me really happy!! 

I also asked Melissa if she’d like to go see Lost In Translation on the 11th apart of a valentine’s day thing and they’ll have kareoke and drinks and a photo booth and she said yea!! so before she leaves I’ll get to see a depressing ass movie on the big screen :’)

I should probaby do an update on TA, huh? well nothing has really happened. I got the hint that his gf was in town dud to him barely talking to me and i was right. they went out and did a bunch of shit in LA nd posted all of it on social media and it was kind of like aaaalright then. I mean it bums me out because he shut me out but then when she leaves he starts talking again ya know. idk i’m not gonna make it a thing to hang out with him anytime soon.

I have a long three straight days of working double shifts so i’ll be burned out soon enough, but i’m glad i got this all off of my chest.

now sashay, away.