#and now i can't eat them anymore because just thinking about them makes me nauseous Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[ruvviks]

good evening mutuals how are we all doing

[lucy90712]

kinda sad but reader distancing herself from jude bc she’s pregnant and don’t know how to tell him and he’s really scared bc he thinks she’s gonna leave him

A/n: I had to give this a happy ending as I have far too much angst to write that I needed a pick me up

Do it. Just do it. 

I have to keep telling myself those few words. In front of me sits a pregnancy test that I can't get myself to take as I don't want to know the answer. Jude and I have always been really careful as he doesn't want kids, I don't mind either way but because he doesn't want them we always try to be super safe. Despite that for the last few weeks I've just not felt right I've been feeling really nauseous and my period is now a week late which really only means one thing I just didn't want to believe it. As much as I know I'm almost definitely pregnant I don't want to take the test as that will confirm it and then I'll have to deal with the consequences.

How would I tell Jude? Would he leave me? Can I raise a baby on my own? All of those questions swirled round my brain as I still just stared at the test. Jude will definitely not be happy but if I am pregnant I don't want to get rid of the baby as I don't think I could handle all the emotions that come with that. If I don't get rid of the baby I can definitely see Jude breaking up with me which I understand he doesn't want kids and he's just starting out his career at Real Madrid he won't want a baby to look after so I'll probably be on my own in a city I don't know with no support. 

It got to the point that all of the questions were starting to eat away at me so to forget about them I decided just to take the test. What no one tells you about taking a pregnancy test is that the few minute wait for the result feels like a century I swear I was pacing back and forth forever before the screen displayed the result. I chose to take a digital test as it would tell me how many weeks I was as that's something I wanted to know too but then I realised that knowing how far along I am will make it feel a whole lot more real. There was no surprise when I finally looked at the test and it said pregnant 4-5 weeks. 

Finally seeing it confirmed made it impossible to hold back my tears any longer. Instinctively my hand went to my stomach as I thought about how in a few short months I will have a baby the baby that is currently growing inside me. The tears were a mix of happiness as somehow I was actually happy to know I was pregnant and anxiety as I have no idea what the future holds. 

~~~~~~~~~~

It has been a month since I found out I was pregnant and I'm now 10 weeks along. A few weeks back I went for my first ultrasound and got to see the baby and make sure everything was ok which it was. Jude still doesn't know, I've tried to tell him so many times but I just can't do it I either chicken out or the moment just doesn't feel right. I know I need to tell him soon as I'm already starting to develop a small bump which will only get bigger and sometimes I think Jude gets a bit suspicious when I won't eat certain things I usually love as I know they will make me sick. 

Over the past month I have definitely been a lot more distant with Jude which has meant he hasn't noticed when I've had really bad sickness days and that I have a small bump growing. It's hard hiding such a big secret from him which is part of why I've been so distant because I just want to tell him and for us to be a happy family but I know it won't go that way and I can't bare the thought of that. I love Jude so much and I don't want to ruin our relationship but I know at some point I'll have to tell him and deal with whatever heartbreak comes along with that. 

No one apart from me knows about my pregnancy not even my parents or my friends I have kept it a complete secret. Today though I'm seeing my friends and I know they are getting a bit suspicious as when we go out I'm always tired and I don't drink anymore. We aren't doing much today just going for brunch so I got up after Jude left for training and went to where we were supposed to meet. Once everyone was there we went in and got a table and I lasted less than a minute before the smell of someone's food made me feel so nauseous that I had to run to the bathroom. My best friend joined me to make sure I was ok but I knew she wasn't convinced when I said I was fine. 

"Are you ok?" The rest of the group asked 

"Yeah I'm fine" I said 

"What's going on girl you've been acting weird for a while now" my best friend said 

"Ok you guys can't say anything to anyone but I'm pregnant I found out a month ago and I've been hiding it because Jude doesn't want kids and I don't know how to tell him" I admitted 

None of them really knew what to say they all knew that Jude didn't want kids and a baby was never supposed to be part of our lives so they were as shocked as I was. After the initial shock they all started giving me advice and telling me everything would be fine. They all tried to reassure me that Jude wouldn't leave me when he found out but they did say I need to tell him at some point soon and I agree but it's hard to find the right words to say. 

Once I got back home I just sat in silence thinking about life and how I got to this point. I was so consumed with my thoughts that I didn’t hear the front door opening or Jude calling my name as he entered the house with increased panic when I didn’t reply. I only came back to reality when he was stood in front of me catching his breath after I nearly gave him a heart attack. There was a lot of staring at each other as I tried to find something to say while he tried to read me and work out what I was thinking. 

“Love are you ok and before you tell me you’re fine I know you’re not you’ve been acting strange for a while and I just want to know what I can do to make things better” he said 

Hearing him say that was too much for me I just burst into tears right in front of him. His arms made their way around me and he tried to calm me down but that didn’t help. This last month I’ve held back all of my emotions about this whole situation and now they are coming out all at once and I can’t hold them back any longer. I tried to tell him but the words couldn’t escape my mouth so instead I grabbed his hand and took him upstairs with me. I kept my pregnancy test and ultrasound pictures hidden away in my wardrobe so I found them and just placed them in Jude’s hands. This isn’t how I wanted to tell him but I think it’s the only way I can do it without having another breakdown. 

“What is this?” He asked 

“I’m pregnant” I said 

“I’m sorry I know you don’t want kids and we are always careful I don’t know how it happened and I just I’m just sorry” I rambled 

“Hey it’s ok calm down how long have you known?” He asked 

“I’ve known for a month and I’m 10 weeks now” I said 

“Wow we are going to be parents” he said hugging me tightly 

“Wait you aren’t mad” I questioned 

“No of course I’m not mad I’m actually really happy I know I said I didn’t want kids but more recently I started to change my mind especially seeing you with all the guys kids it made me want that with you I couldn’t be happier right now” he said 

“So you aren’t going to leave me?” I asked 

“Of course not I can’t wait to go through this whole journey with you I’m just sad I haven’t been there for you until now” he said 

Hearing that was such a relief but not at all what I expected. I’ve always been told things happen for a reason and this is one of those things I guess. Naturally Jude had a lot of questions so I told him everything like everything I know about the baby and how I’ve been feeling as he wanted to know how I’ve been coping. It felt so good to finally tell him everything and he seemed so genuinely happy which allowed me to actually think about how excited I am too as that’s something I’ve pushed away until now. 

After a long conversation we both went silent and just took a minute to take in what has just happened. As we sat there Jude’s hand made its way to my shirt which he lifted up slightly and just rested his hand on my tiny bump. I watched as the smile on his face got even bigger than it was before I could see him look at my almost non existent bump with so much love that it almost made me cry. This whole thing doesn’t seem anywhere near as scary now that I know Jude is here to support me and I already know he’s going to be the best dad if he loves our baby this much already. 

[nczennie]

A drabble in which you realize Minho doesn't love you anymore.

Featuring: Reader x Stray Kid's Lee Know Genre: Angst

[ 20:22 ] with Minho

You can't deny things have been..difficult between you and Minho lately, but you've recently celebrated your 4 year anniversary. You figured with being together that long there is bound to be some ups and downs.

But that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

For the past couple of months, it seems as if you can't do anything right with your boyfriend. Every small thing you said turned into an argument or misunderstanding.

As if the slightest things you did ticked him off and you couldn't figure out why.

The past couple of weeks have been fine, and it's basically back to normal. He returned from filming out of the country, and you both returned to your normal routine.

But now, once again, he's rolling his eyes at you because you don't want to eat chicken for dinner.

This feeling of defeat is frustrating, as he feels the need to pick at everything you do or say. Even when he was gone, he said some rude things to you because he thought you were dissing his fans.

That wasn't the case at all, you just mentioned feeling hurt as some STAYS were shit-talking your own group's comeback. Nevertheless, he hung up on you and didn't text you for days after.

It was things like that that started to pop up after you're anniversary and it ate at you completely.

You stand in the room of his dorm, tears coming to your eyes and feeling like such a fool for crying over what to eat for dinner. But in reality, you knew it was much more than that.

"Please, Minho," You choke out, forcing a steady voice, "I'm tired of fighting all the time. Can we please talk about this? I love you."

There's a beat of silence. He swallows as he looks at you. And then you realize.

You feel as if you've been pulled into the ocean, a wave crashing over you as you lose your breath. Your face crumbles as you look at him, "Oh my-" You cover your mouth.

"No," Minho starts and takes a step towards you, but you back towards the door. "You don't love me anymore." You whisper out, knowing airing it will make it true.

"I do love you," He says firmly, "I just..." He trails, but you know.

Minho loves you, and loves you in a way that you wish the best for people no matter where life takes them. But he is no longer in love with you.

"No, you don't!" You cry into your hands, suddenly sick to your stomach, "How long?"

He shakes his head, refusing to answer, saying your name firmly, "Stop, don't do this." Don't hurt yourself even more, you imagine he wants to say.

You suddenly feel flushed with embarrassment. All this time he has probably been sick of you, but you've clung to him like nothing has changed. Reaching for his hand, ranting about your day, leaning to kiss him, taking him to your bed...

You turn towards the door, and for some reason, the picture of having sex with him while he doesn't love you anymore makes you nauseous.

The urge to run is stronger than ever but you need to know something, "Is there someone else?"

His answer is quick, "No! That's not-it's not like that okay, I just..." He trails again and you don't have to be looking at him to know his brows are furrowed.

So there isn't somebody else, there must just be something wrong with you for him to not want you anymore. The dark thoughts are beginning.

"I need to leave." You say with a tightness in your chest, reaching for his door.

"Okay, I'll drive you home." Minho moves towards the door, too, but you turn quickly, making sure to avoid his gaze. "No, you don't get to do that. I don't want to be near you."

You head out of his room ignoring his insistence on letting him know when you get to your dorm safety.

Instead, you take the long way home, sobbing quietly into your mask as you think of all the things Minho doesn't like about you.

Your hair, your dancing, your voice, your eyes, the way you look in the morning. You've thought of a million things that must've pushed him away by the time you got home you still can't help but wonder what was wrong with you.

You crash open the door of one of your members and fall to her bed ignoring how she looks at you from her desk, instead sobbing out with a heartbreaking cry,

"He doesn't love me anymore."

Copyright © 2024 by nczennie. All rights reserved.

[6okuto]

Can I ask for headcanons about the LIs from Touchstarved and how they would deal with the MC who is suffering from menstrual cramps? Unfortunately, I'm in those days, I always get very sensitive and I can't eat anything (sometimes I even feel nauseous and vomit).

Sorry about my English

TS CAST WITH AN MC ON THEIR PERIOD

gn!mc | aaaghh i hope u feel better soon/now anon that sounds awful :(

ALL

i want you to know (partially because i don't want the notes to be repetitive) none of them would mind cleaning up any vomit, stains, etc. when they happen. literally none of them!! they've all seen worse, had worse happen, and care about mc. of course they'll take the time to clean up, change sheets, rub their back (and hold back any hair) as they hover over the toilet etc.

the others would ask kuras to check on mc if the symptoms are super serious and it could be some underlying condition. vere. ....mc is important enough to get kuras bro trust me. one of the others might recommend it if not him bdjhgbd

KURAS

! Finally a doctor that won't invalidate your experiences or just send you home! kuras would take their symptoms seriously and prescribe medication, etc as needed (i don't know how advanced they are surgery wise but if it was safe and possible...!)

he offers to let them stay at the clinic with him, but they both know he'd prefer they did assuming it isn't too difficult to set up

...methodical? when it comes to checking on mc, especially when they're suffering the worst of their symptoms! even when it seems like he's super busy and doesn't have time, he makes time.

he's good staying calm at signs of pain, strong emotions, etc., but it's a little different because mc isn't Just a patient. sometimes he can't help his worried expression when mc is in obvious pain, and he wouldn't buy tea for just anybody now would he! or let them pull him to the bedside and chat to distract them, comply when asked to hold his hand over their stomach, etc.

food wise.... he learns mc's favourites quickly, at least what they can stomach. best soup flavours, best drinks, soft foods... plus the nearest places he can run to. mc can be like Kuras It's literally 10 minutes away but he's like.. What kind of doctor would i be if i let my patient leave in this state. Can you lie back down now?

when they're home, kuras is freer to spend time with mc if they'd like! if mc says he has to cuddle because they're in pain, he can slip into bed with them. (he might be a little awkward the first couple of times because, well, cuddling isn't a usual treatment he offers to patients is it? and i don't think he's cuddled a lot in general, but he gets the hang of it!)

LEANDER

the wet wick isn't really where you want to be when you're dealing with cramps, nausea and anything else. so when mc mentions that they'll probably be dealing with their period soon and they tell him how bad it can get, leander makes sure to find a more comfortable place, even if it's just for a while. (or you know. maybe they live together somewhere else already and that'd just be very lovely and convenient !)

if there's any Magic Treatments he can do himself to soothe their pain, do some magic equivalent of a heating pad, etc. leander will absolutely use them! though he might make a joke like, Is the spell as good as me though? and when mc is like you know what? yeah. he's like :( / oh i see how it is...after everything we've been through /joking

i don't care if he doesn't like naps he will nap with mc if they ask. He Will. even if he doesn't stay the whole time, he'll at least rub their back and wait for them to fall asleep.

at their beck and call while he's around!! they need help getting to the washroom? he's there to help. they want a little snack? he's bought some! they ask him to run a hot bath? do they want him to help them wash because he will! their heated towels aren't hot enough anymore? no need to get up, leander's already on his way. they want to cuddle with him? What kind of guy would he be to say no?

if mc is more sensitive and their emotions are kind of all over the place, it probably surprises leander the most LOL. like everyone's caught off guard and worried walking in on them crying, but leander is most visibly like wait shit what happened? what's wrong? are you okay? did someone do something? because he's done everything he can to make sure they're comfortable like woah!!😭

VERE

do you guys know if vere's job is a 9 to 5 deal... well. while he's on the job, trust me when i tell you he's thinking of mc more often than he'd like to admit. he wishes he could check on them himself, but if he can't, he'll ask one of the others to. you'd think ais considering ais is the only one vere likes, but depending on what you need, he'll have to suck it up and ask. leander maybe?

yeah okay he'll rest his tail over your stomach and let you play with it now stop giving him puppy eyes and asking /lighthearted /silly. he'd appreciate it if you didn't squeeze very tight, like please hold onto something else besides his tail. but staying near you and getting that something isn't at all an issue for him!

if they want to cuddle Vere and not just his tail, he pretends he's Relenting and Allowing it, but he does enjoy it! (you can tell by the smile on his face and the way he shifts the pillows and blanket to make sure they're both comfortable for the foreseeable future.) he lets them rest their head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, and he wraps his tail around just for extra warmth.

tones down his provocations and attitude when he realizes mc's state, and his more serious side comes out. if mc is confused/surprised by this, he rolls his eyes before carrying on to tell them to stay hydrated, and which places have the best teas/warm drinks. (he knows the owner of the one on the corner two streets down, and he's sure they'll lower the price for you.)

stubborn mc who ignores vere telling them they should stay in bed, or trying to help them there. vere who watches patiently as they're obviously in pain, until they give in and look at him. vere who, just once because he's vere, is like oh? what happened to not needing help? before mc tells him to shut up and he wraps an arm around them

AIS

makes sure they're drinking enough water and eating what they can despite his teasing. says shit like "okay, if you drink enough water i'll buy you some sweets" "think of how disappointed princess will be to find out you're pushing yourself" etc etc. of course when he's especially worried about them not eating, he'll take a more serious tone, but it's what he can do to keep their mood up.

even though exercising while you're cramping and bleeding often sounds. Miserable and Impossible. exercising regularly can help when the time comes! ais offers to join them on a couple walks a week :-) if mc thinks that they can do some light exercise, he'll be there to help them and suggest some easier workouts they can do. i don't think he's a huge yoga person, but he's got some stretches for sure!

guy who goes to buy some things and comes with more than mc expected or listed. he shrugs and says it's better to be prepared, and he was there so why not? he even asked some of the clerks for their opinion and was told some nice advice from a stranger who overheard him and who's he to say no.

might be below leander in terms of cuddling enthusiasm, but is still more comfortable than the others! he'll wrap himself around them, keeping a light pressure on their stomach and rubbing circles against their skin. he never complains about quietly staying and watching them, or talking if mc asks him to distract them. (they wonder how many of his stories take place in a bar. Have you never had a fun experience perhaps at a festival or park? he feigns offense before telling a 'nicer' story anyway.)

more modern au than TS but. i don't know if you guys saw that video where they asked their boyfriend to get pads with wings and he bought. pads and chicken wings. i'm crying soo bad like ais would do that as a joke. he'd take the wings out first then show mc he did, in fact, get pads with wings after they stare at him like ???? BEJHSBGJHB

MHIN

the first time it happens? they spot mc obviously in pain and watch them for a while because, well, that isn't their problem is it? they're just watching because they're curious, not because they really care. inevitably, they go up to check on them and bring them somewhere more comfortable because it was "hard to watch"

 it's like... mhin knows what to do, but there's hesitancy because they feel awkward About Offering. do they just hand mc the warm towel? do they ask them to roll over? if they ask what mc wants to drink, will they have the ingredients for it? they leave a bowl by the bed and say "in case you vomit" then hesitate before telling them where the washroom is, but the bowl is just in case. the others are more comfortable asking and taking initiative when it comes to mc y'know. but once they've established a relationship, mhin is quick to know what they like and need without mc even asking! ^^

"mhin" "hm?" "i think i'm dying" "you aren't dying" "i'm going to die" "don't die on my favourite blanket" "what the hell" (/lighthearted) (they do in fact care very much and feel bad. if mc wasn't busy suffering maybe they'd have noticed mhin preparing tea and a hot pack across the room.)

doesn't even try to entertain the thought of mc getting up and doing something strenuous. mhin shoots them a look like ? are you kidding. stay here and i'll take care of it. they won't force mc to stay in bed and assumes they know their limits, but that also means if mc pushes themself too much, mhin is all the more 'annoyed' (concerned!! they're concerned more than Angry, but can you please listen to them for once!)

omfg mhin bringing mc to a place where stray cats like to visit just to cheer them up a little. mhin handing them some food to hold out in their hand. there's a specific cat who really likes to purr and cuddle that they get the attention of just for mc. yeah.

[archangeldyke-all]

hi angel!!!

sevika and vampire reader again because i can't get them out of my head <3333 can we get vampire reader turning sevika into a vampire and how their lives would be after her transition?

black reader pleaseee <3

yes yes yes let's do it! i'm going to include an idea mars, @sexysapphicshopowner gave me too! so be sure to check out their blog if u like the bucket list bits <3

same disclaimers as always with this series! i don't know much about vampire lore, so i'm just guessing and making shit up as it goes haha. also, i'm white, so i'll try my best to make this an obviously black reader, but if i mess anything up lmk!! i'll change it asap :)

man and minors dni

sevika's getting older.

a few grey hairs here, a few new wrinkles there, some new aches and pains she'd never had before-- it's an inevitable part of life. at least it is for most people.

but sevika's got you, now, and you've got an out for her-- a very permanent out, but an out nonetheless.

for a while now, she's been pressuring you to change her. about a month ago at work, she very narrowly dodged a fatal blow, and you started taking her demands seriously.

but-- there's a few things you want her to do before you guys go through with it.

you didn't get the chance to live out your final mortal desires before you were changed. you know just how depressing it can be to mourn being human, especially when you don't get to properly say goodbye. so, you've been helping sevika make a 'bucket list' of sorts-- all the things she wants to do one last time before she won't be able to do them anymore.

soaking in the sun, wearing silver jewelry, drinking a glass (or bottle) of whiskey-- stuff like that.

she's been steadily checking items off the list, and now you're down to the last few, and she wants to check 'em off all in one go.

she wants to eat a big, full meal-- steak and potatoes and a slice of chocolate cake on the side. then, she wants to feed you, one last time. and finally she wants to do what all humans are eventually bound to do: she wants to die.

that last one makes you nervous.

changing her requires that you drain her completely before you kiss her back to life. there's going to be a solid ten or so minutes where she's completely dead-- and she's apparently looking forward to it.

"i wanna know what it's like. see if i feel anything, see if i see anything." she says with a curious shrug.

it makes you nauseous to think about.

the entire reason you're doing this in the first place is so sevika never has to die. the idea of her body going still and cold beneath you, of her eyes glazing over and staring off into space, of her breaths ceasing, it hurts you to even fucking think about.

you're trying not to think about it at all.

"babe." sevika says to you over the table as you place her plate in front of her. you look down at her, smiling, and she reaches up to grab your hand. "this look fucking amazing." she says, not even looking at the plate. you snort. "you look... nervous." she says. you groan and slump down into her lap, scooping up a bite of potatoes and shoving it into her mouth. she chuckles.

"i'm trying not to freak the fuck out." you say. sevika hums, grabbing the fork from you to tear into her steak.

"it'll be fine babe." she mumbles around a mouthful. she groans. "fuck, this is divine."

"enjoy it." you say. she grins.

"i'm trying to savor it but i kinda wanna wolf it down and get your teeth in me." she says. you snort.

"eat slower." you demand. she giggles.

"baby." she says, putting her fork down to hold your hips. you lean forward, pressing your forehead against her shoulder. "i promise it'll be okay. it's gonna be fucking amazing, actually. just think about it-- in a few hours i'll be able to float around with you, we can start hunting together, i'm gonna be able to stay up all night with you. think of all the endless sex we'll have once i've got vampire stamina." she says, kissing your head. you snort.

"i'm just. i really don't want you to die." you say. sevika hums, rubbing her hand up and down your back.

"i know. but it's gotta happen one way or another. it's either this-- you killing me with your sexy fucking teeth then fucking me back to life or whatever--" you giggle. "-- or, i die at work or i get sick or something and you're not there to save me. and then we'll both be miserable forever." she says.

you sigh. she's right, of course, but you're still worried. you think you will be until she blinks back to life.

sevika reaches behind your back to grab another bite of her food. with her free hand, she reaches up to gently rub your cheek.

"you're everything to me, you know that right?" she asks around another mouthful of steak. you smile.

"feeling's mutual." you say. sevika smiles, gently toying with the tiny curl near your ear, pulling it straight then watching it coil back up again when she releases it.

"and i wanna spend infinity with you. if you'll have me." she says. you snort, and flick her head.

"course i will." you say. sevika grins.

"so there's no problem." she says.

you'd be lying if you said there wasn't at least a small part of you that's looking forward to tonight. you've been fasting for a month-- in preparation to drain sevika. you're ravenous. and sevika's your favorite fucking meal.

especially now, with her all glowy and happy after a big meal, a little tipsy from the bottle of wine you'd bought her-- she looks delectable.

she grins up at you from her spot on the bed. "hungry?" she asks. you chuckle.

"starving." you say, licking your lips. "i gotta say. i'm really gonna miss your blood."

sevika chuckles. "we'll find something else you like. together." she says, reaching up to thread her fingers through yours. you sigh, leaning down to kiss her, gently trailing your fangs over her lower lip. sevika shudders.

"c'mon, babe. i'm ready." she says, kissing the back of your hand, tilting her chin up, and widening her legs. you laugh.

"i'm not fucking you tonight." you say. sevika gasps.

"what?! why not?" she asks, pouting. you snort.

"because, i gotta stay focused." you say. sevika groans petulantly.

"but!" she tries. you press a finger to her lips.

"i'll fuck you when you wake up." you promise. sevika sighs.

"that works, i guess. is vampire sex any different than human sex?" she asks. you giggle.

"i dunno, it's been so long since i was a human it's all a bit of a blur now. you'll have to tell me." you say. sevika smiles.

"alright." she says. "c'mon." she says, tilting her chin up again. you giggle, leaning down to press a few kisses over her pulse point. sevika sighs, relaxing into the bed beneath her. "i love you more than i've ever loved anything or anyone, you know." she says shakily. you smile against her neck, licking her artery.

"you're sure?" you ask, one final time. sevika reaches up to hold your hips like she always does when she's beneath you.

"more sure than i've ever been about anything in my life."

"i love you sev." you whisper.

"i love you too, baby." she responds.

you take a deep breath, and sink your teeth into her throat.

sevika shudders and sighs, her nails digging into your skin as you retract your teeth and lick against her wounds, before you start sucking down her blood.

she tastes so fucking good. you're tempted to stop, just so you can keep her around as a bloodbag for a bit longer, but you know she'd be pissed if you did. so, instead, you let your instincts take over, and you start to devour her.

sevika's squeaking and gasping beneath you, her hands clawing into your flesh, her thighs squeezing together as you drink.

"th-that's it, honey, drain me. take it all from me. make me yours. make me yours." she whimpers. you growl against her neck, reaching down to hold her shoulder, gently tracing your thumb back and forth on her collar bone. sevika sighs. "c-can't believe you aren't gonna fuck me, shit! gonna make me cum in my p-pants." she says. you groan and readjust, shoving your thigh between sevika's. she laughs as she starts grinding down against you. "fuck i love you." she mumbles.

sevika cums a second later, shivering underneath you as you continue to slurp her down. you're messy-- messier than you've ever been before. something about the fact that you're changing her is making you fucking feral. you can taste the rush of hormones as she cums, and you shiver on top of her at the taste.

sevika goes limp beneath you, her grip loosening as she tries to catch her breath. she's getting lightheaded and dizzy, you can tell from the way she keeps giggling.

"f-fuck." she mutters. you hum against her. "feel drunk 'r somethin'." she says. you snort. "'m so fuckin' in love with you. you gotta marry me now, y'know." she says. you chuckle.

sevika's breaths start getting shaky, the hands on your hips slipping down to her sides. you reach out to hold her hand, intertwining your fingers again. she hums.

a minute later, and all of sevika's sounds stop. you can still hear her heartbeat, but it's much slower and softer than it usually is. your stomach flips, and you continue to drink from her.

when the gentle rhythm of her heart stops completely, you nearly choke with fear.

it's happening. fuck, it's happening.

you take a few more sips from her, draining her completely as she grows cold beneath you, and then you pull away with a gasp.

the usual high that accompanies a recent feed is nowhere to be found, dread taking its place.

sevika's eyes are shut, her skin clammy and cold, and she's not breathing, not moving, her heart completely silent.

you take a second to wipe your face of her blood, licking it off your arm, looking down at your girlfriend. she looks... peaceful. you hope she's feeling peaceful too.

you wanted to give her a solid minute or so to experience death, but your anxiety's too high. you only manage a few seconds before you lean down, cupping her face between both of your hands, and leaning down to gently, shakily press your lips against hers.

sevika's lips are cold and unresponsive.

you start to freak out.

you kiss her again, licking your tongue against her lip.

she stays still.

you gasp, sitting up to tap her cheek with your palm. "sevika." you call. she doesn't respond. tears start to well up in your eyes as you duck back down, sucking her lip into your mouth, running your tongue against it.

she still doesn't move.

you begin to panic.

"sevika!" you shout against her mouth. you bite her bottom lip, then follow it up with a quick peck. sevika remains still beneath you, and tears begin to well in your eyes. "wake up, you bitch!" you cry against her as you press your mouth to her again.

suddenly, sevika gasps and snaps upwards, her lips moving against yours, her hands coming up to hold your hips. you sigh in relief against her, and sevika flips you, pinning you to the bed. you squeal.

"oh thank fuck." you whisper up at her. she grins down at you.

"that is a hell of a way to wake up." she says. you chuckle, a few stray tears escaping your eyes as relief floods your body, and you reach up to grab her by the hair and pull her back down against you.

sevika chuckles against your lips. "you really thought i'd leave you behind?" she asks. you sob.

"fuck off. you had me worried!" you say. sevika snorts.

"i don't think you even fully let me die, babe." she says. "could hear you the whole time."

you giggle, and sevika gently swipes your tears away.

"how do you feel?" you ask. sevika grins, her fangs descending, and you gasp. fuck that's hot. you think.

"honestly?" she asks. you nod up at her. "better than i've ever felt before. what did you do to me?" she asks. you giggle.

"exactly what you asked me to!" you say. sevika grins.

"i didn't know i'd feel so... refreshed!" she says. you chuckle.

"i'm so fucking glad you woke up." you say. "i was gonna kill you if you died on me."

sevika snorts. "how would that work, exactly?" she asks. you groan and shrug, then reach up to pull her against you again, hugging her to your chest. sevika hums, nuzzling against your neck.

"i love you so fucking much." she says. "so fucking much."

"let's get married." you say. sevika grins against your neck.

"that's my line." she says. you giggle and blindly reach out to pat down your bedside table, pulling the drawer open and fumbling for the tiny box you've been hiding for months now. you pull it out and pull sevika away from your neck by her ponytail, before shoving it in her hand.

"i'm dead fucking serious." you say. sevika blinks, her eyes going wide.

"fuck-- really?" she asks. you nod.

"i mean. we're already spending eternity together, what's a ring and some paperwork?" you ask. sevika grins, then tears the box from your hand, tears welling in her eyes.

she opens it and bursts into laughter as she reveals the gold ring, strung on a gold chain so she can wear it all the time. you smile as you watch her squint, trying to make out the inscription.

your secret admirer it reads. sevika bursts into laughter.

"oh fuck-- i love you so fucking much." she cries. you grin up at her.

"yeah?" you ask. "is that a yes?"

"of course it's a fucking yes! are you kidding me?" she asks. you grin, and sevika swoops down to press her lips against yours. "thank you." she mumbles. "thank you thank you thank you thank you."

"for what?" you ask. "i should be thanking you!" you exclaim.

"for stalking me! for falling in love with me and being so fucking sweet and all the gifts and how much you take care of me and changing me and being my fiance and--"

you cut her off with another kiss. sevika hums against you.

"i love you." she finishes.

"i love you too. for infinity." you say. sevika grins.

"for infinity." she agrees, pulling the chain over her neck. you smile as the ring dangles down over you, gently tugging her closer by it.

"you want me to show you how to float?" you ask. sevika grins.

"fuck yes. but first i want to pay you back for that orgasm." she says, leaning down to kiss you.

you giggle, and sevika grins, and right before your lips connect, you think that even forever with sevika might not be enough time.

taglist!

@fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @ellabslut @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @love-sugarr @chuucanchuucan @222danielaa @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki @emiliabby

[sovaharbor]

oh i've been venting about the precarious state of my health on here a lot so a positive update for once:

saw my new GI doctor today, he's taking everything seriously, also has a sense of humor and didn't make me feel insane, i love him

prescribed me a liquid formulation of famotidine since i told him i can't swallow pills well anymore (my previous GI just told me to take the chewables which contain calcium carbonate, aka something you really cannot take daily for an extended period of time....... i did not listen to him, so instead i've just been suffering for like half a year because, shockingly enough [/s], if you let extended release pills melt in your mouth so you can swallow them easier, they're not extended release anymore!!!)

i have a lot of labwork to get done for my Other issues too (also samples, ew)

and tests!!! liver ultrasound because it'll also check my gallbladder, and then a hida scan

the hida scan's a little terrifying to me

but i'm trying to think about how many radioactive nuclear waste jokes i can make (i will be very mildly radioactive, from what i understand, because of the tracer they're going to inject)

and also trying to think about how a single day of potential discomfort is so temporary in comparison to the suffering i am currently dealing with (aka if the hida scan makes me so nauseous i puke, i can handle it, i'll be okay in the end)

reminder to self: ask how they're going to perform the hida scan because if they make me drink an ensure i will 100% vomit [soy allergy] so i need to see if i can bring something similarly fatty, or simply accept they'll put cck in me & it is what it is

my stomach was actually doing better today though, i ate all 3 meals ANNNDDD a bedtime snack :)

i've been really concerned about this issue being my gallbladder for like...a year now. so i'm so fcking relieved to have a doctor actually taking it seriously now.

also me and my dad went to the store after my appointment, i got a snowcone thing? it said it's wedding cake flavor!! and i got pop-its to throw tomorrow!! idt we can See any fireworks from our house but i'm gonna sit in the driveway, throw my pop-its, and eat my snowcone! i wish i'd grabbed sparklers too but c'est la vie or whatever :(

[jovanaa86]

The Pain of Durability

My whole life was based on knowledge. On being the smart ones in what has remained of the world.

Our society, the society of the city of Chicago had been divided in factions. Amity, Abnegation, Candor, Dauntless and my faction, Erudite.

I got all of them as a result on my Aptitude Test. A Divergent. A rarity, but they still exist.

And I was one of them.

However, no one can know that, not even my family. That's how I decided that I'm not gonna stay in Erudite.

I'd rather leave everything behind than lie to their face, every single day for the rest of my life.

When the Choosing Ceremony came the choice was easy, Dauntless. The rush of adrenaline that came with it was what drew me to it the most, even though I wasn't particularly brave. Or that's what I thought.

A week has passed. And now I was finally realizing what a mistake I have made.

The courage isn't a problem anymore, I'm brave enough to do a lot of things. It's the strength and the endurance that's a problem, but only at the moment. I can't let myself become Factionless. Hence why I'm awake so early today.

If I want to be above the red line, the only way my name can get there is if I work harder and train harder.

The training room was empty when I entered it. It seemed so hollow, unlike the rest of the day when it's filled with members of Dauntless faction and its recruits.

I've been training for an hour. Running, doing some durability exercises and hitting a punching bag. But I zoned out while doing it.

And before I noticed, my knuckles were bloody. I forgot to put wraps and gloves on. So when I looked at my knuckles, the skin there was torn and covered in blood. Yet, I continued punching.

My determination and ambition were driving me towards my goal and maybe slightly insane.

The pain hasn't faded away, it has just become more prominent in my train of thoughts. From which I was pulled by a voice behind me.

"Training hard?" Four asked.

"Well it's either that or I can join the Factionless," I turned around to face him. "Eat or be eaten kind of a situation."

I notice his smile growing smaller once he sees my hands. But I just wave it off.

"It's nothing." I say, putting on a fake smile.

"Lucy," My name comes from his lips like a whisper.

"Maybe you should take some rest, stop training for a bit."

"No way, I'm fine," I say and return to my new work out routine. "See, no need for me to stop."

But at the next punch I wince. The amount of pain being unbearable and making me sick to my stomach. Or maybe the nausea is there cause I didn't have anything to eat.

And now both Four and the lack of food were on my way to success.

Four looks at me, a look of concern all over his face.

"You're still feeling fine? Or are you ready to drop all of this bullshit and let me help?"

"Help how?" I asked, confused.

"For starters, no more training this really in the morning. So, breakfast first," He started speaking, but not without me interrupting him.

"Look, whatever you think, don't. Because I'm fine. And I don't need breakfast to be able to kick someone's ass and get my name above the red line."

"You know I'm right. It's all over your face that you're nauseous. So quit this whole charade and let's get you something to eat." He says sternly.

Even though it's not supposed to be that way, I find this side of him weirdly attractive and appealing to me. But I push those feelings away.

"Okay," I say. "I just need to clean and bandage my knuckles first."

"Fine, I'll help you. And don't even think about arguing with me about it." He says, and it's like he read my mind.

He leads me to what I assume is his room. I sit on the edge of the bed while he gathers everything that he needs.

"This is gonna hurt a little." He warns before cleaning my knuckles.

I have never thought I was gonna see Four be this caring, but here I am.

"Thank you." I whisper.

"It's nothing, you don't have to mention it." He answers.

"Yeah, well, it's really hard for me to ask for help. So if, by any chance, I look ungrateful, I'm not. That's all." I blurt out.

Four just gives me a nod, not saying anything.

After he finishes bandaging my injured hands, he tells me to stay there and get some rest.

Two weeks have passed, I'm standing in the room filled with other Dauntless recruits.

The day has come.

They're announcing who made it into the faction. And my name is there, above the red line.

An ear to ear grin spreads across my face and I just look at Four. Who's already looking at me. And I know that he's proud of me.

All of the pain paid off. Now I know for sure that this is my new home. And I also got a really good friend along the way.

It's the butterflies in my stomach that are a problem. And they haven't once left during this two weeks.

I guess they're even more durable than me.

[freezethebeez]

c!tommy post-prison-revival drabble that doesn't actually have a proper ending it just kinda cuts off

i don't have a preview for this that'll make sense out of context but basically: tommy dies, gets revived, tubbo takes care of him for a bit, tommy hates himself, tommy also develops POTS because of the head trauma ^_^

-> just putting it out there now: i do not suffer from POTS or any disability similar to it. i did a bit of research about it before writing this, but if anything is inaccurate, that's on me. it's not a massive component of the story, but it is prevalent enough for me to issue this warning.

additional info: brief mention of nudity (nothing weird dw), c!clingy being clingy, angst i guess, a bit of fluff depending on how you look at it

drabble below the break :]

-

Nobody told Tommy that being revived was like being born again.

Nearly seventeen to just three months old again, all in an instant. A three month old is what he is— a three month old with head trauma, all the pent up emotion of a teenager, and a mouth that curses like a sailor—

A mouth that curses because that's all it knows how to do. Tommy's stuck in a body that doesn't know what to do— a body that's gone into fight-or-flight because it's trapped in an obsidian cell with the very thing that killed it and left it to rot for months surrounded by these voices and aggravating sounds in its head.

This fight-or-flight phase doesn't end, even when he's being assisted— no, dragged out of the prison by its warden, knees buckled, legs unable to hold the scarred skin and bag of broken bones placed on top of it.

It only ends when Tommy's eyes meet Tubbo's.

It's raining. It's foggy and it's raining and Tommy can hardly make out Tubbo's silhouette in the distance with his blurry eyes— still adjusting to the world— but somehow he knows. Somehow his brain remembers that this person is important and this one won't hurt you.

Somehow his brain is right.

His head aches.

Tommy's head really aches.

It doesn't stop aching— not in the next hour or the next day or the next week— it never stops aching. He feels dizzy and nauseous and his legs still don't fucking work as Tubbo guides him through the walls of Snowchester.

Snowchester is white— sky-blue and slate-grey and spruce-brown and snow-white— but suddenly it turns black and Tommy's gone again, body laid to rest in the snow where it should be— maybe buried beneath the dirt for good measure— but it doesn't stay there long. His eyes are open again and it's snowing. He feels cold. He can't really feel his hands anymore, much less any other parts of his corpse.

Thank Prime Tubbo's strong.

Tubbo carries him inside— into the warmth of his cottage. "Ranboo is out," he says, "he won't be back for a bit, I don't think. Man's too busy mining." Tubbo sets him down by the fireplace, draping a blanket over him and pulling up a chair, letting his head rest on the seat.

He gets him food. Tommy doesn't eat it. He's too tired and too sick and his head aches too much for him to eat it.

It's embarrassing being born again. It's embarrassing to be three months old with the mind of a seventeen year old. It's embarrassing to have to be taken care of like an infant— to watch a toddler run around with more independence than him.

It doesn't last long, thankfully.

It's only for a few days— nearly a week, but Tubbo takes good care of him.

Tommy doesn't think he'd have it any other way— doesn't think he could bear having anyone else be here for him.

He doesn't think he'd let anyone else bathe him. He doesn't think anyone else would keep a hand on the back of his neck while his head is lowered into the water, no one besides Tubbo.

He doesn't think he'd let anyone else towel him off and dress him. He doesn't think anyone else would dress him in their husband's clothing because their own doesn't fit— he doesn't think anyone else would wash the blood out of his clothes and leave them to dry in front of the furnaces in the basement, returning them while they're still warm, no one else besides Tubbo.

He doesn't think he'd let anyone else spoon-feed him homemade soup and hold his hair back when his body can't take anymore— he doesn't think anyone else would do that for him besides Tubbo.

Nights are long when you're three months old, because three-month-olds cry and cry and cry and they just don't shut up— and Tommy does the same. He feels awful about it, but the tears start and they don't stop and of course Tubbo takes it upon himself to dry them, wiping them away with cold hands that Tommy doesn't entirely mind because he seems to be so feverish all the time anyway.

Eventually, the nights get shorter and the headache goes away and it gets a bit easier to move and stomach food and things are kind of looking up.

Things are looking up until they're not, though. They're looking up until Tommy's finally confident enough to walk to the kitchen by himself and faints halfway.

Tubbo runs a few tests. He doesn't tell Tommy what the diagnosis is, just hands him a wooden cane and tells him that when the episodes stop, he can stop using it.

Tommy figures out what an "episode" is quite quickly.

Summer comes and Tommy moves back home. Home isn't a fantastic place to be in his opinion, especially because it's more of a glorified tomb now that a home. He prefers to go out for walks— revisit some nostalgic sites and relive the memories, walking through the actions of shooting a bow and arrow from the top of a tower, looking over at the crater that was L'Manberg— but these walks become less and less frequent under the summer sun because the sun hates him and his body hates him and everything and everyone hates him and wants him dead.

His body hates him, and he knows it does because every time the sun shines bright enough for the cicadas to play their song, it gives up. It just gives up. It gets dizzy and gets nauseous and it gets shaky and cold and clammy and it gives up. It sends him plummeting to the ground as if it's trying to bury itself— trying to go to where it should be— and then it reboots and carries on as if nothing happened and it makes Tommy hate it all the same.

So Tommy tries to move back to Snowchester— but the snow doesn't help, it just makes him feel colder, and he almost gets hypothermia once— gets frostbite twice cause he's just laying in the snow, which is such a bitch to take care of, honestly, but it's not his fault it's still snowing in the summertime.

[snoring-dragon-productions]

Do you have anyone in your corner supporting you through all of this? You keep talking about supporting family, but you never mention anyone supporting you. It has me worried for your wellbeing—you can't fill other people's buckets when your bucket is empty and setting on fire to keep others warm could burn you.

Yeah, I have my dad and brother. I’m actually letting them support me this time instead of trying to keep everything ‘controlled’ and internal and putting up a stronger front than I feel so they don’t worry. I’m still being calm when I can and thinking and doing my best, but at least I’m being honest while doing it. Honestly, it’s only because I got drained to the point where I couldn’t hide it anymore. But that’s frankly, for the best. I needed to be forced to stop because I don’t think I had it in me to otherwise. We’re supporting each other now and realizing that we’re all in the same boat.

Honestly I’m just so tired and ngl I was scared. Am still scared. I barely got any sleep last night and someone I care about ( the one who has been in Need of Help and progressively getting worse ) has been acting even squirrelier than before. Its red flags and at this point even I can admit that regardless of reasons ( like I said, it’s complicated and has to do with a whole mess of mental shit ) it’s been abuse. This has been mental/emotional abuse whether the other person is even aware or means it or whatever. I’ve been having trouble eating for days because I’m nauseous, I’ve been having trouble sleeping and bad dreams, I’ve been stressed and tense nonstop for months, I’ve been gaslit to hell and back to the point where I’ve been painted as this terrible person who doesn’t care when all I’ve done is try to help and be scared for everyone around me. To where even on a day like yesterday I still believed it. I have to physically tell myself not to.

I’m sorry for saying all this but it’s just been bad and I’m only now realizing how much and that I’ve been mistreated to THAT extent. That it’s okay to refer to it as ‘abuse’ because I think it was and is. I just want it to be over and at the same time I can’t completely control that because lots of it relies on someone else and their ability/willingness and that’s an unnerving place to be right now. Me and my family have done everything we can at this point. Way more than lots of people would, with what we’ve been through.

Thank you for your concern and honestly it helps to put this all down and I’m sorry that this is all- a lot. But it does help to put it down and read it and process it and accept it and at least now I have support and they realize how much this has been draining me. Because I don’t know if they fully understood before, which would make sense considering how I acted, but we definitely understand now.

[purgemeofmysins]

Xx What I ate/drank today:

Nothing!! Besides a quarter of a Big Gulp full of ice water. And cigarettes... meal of champions.

Diary entry #3:

Took 3 Phen today (112.5mg)... I don't even know why I'm taking them excessively. Fear of hunger? Addictive qualities? My relapse has been going on for a few months now, but it's been really bad this whole week; hence the blog creation. It's just getting worse and worse... Cycles of binging, purging, fasting, exercising, taking laxatives, and recently started overtaking diet pills I was previously prescribed that I had to stop taking due to heart complications and other side effects. What am I thinking? It's starting to scare me and my loved ones. I've only kept 2 meals down in the past 2 weeks (and it was only to ease their concern), fasting for days to weeks at a time, throwing up anything I do eat or drink, scared to even consume water now so I hardly do, I'm constantly lightheaded (to the point of nearly passing out), barely going to the bathroom anymore, nauseous, cold, having headaches and stomachaches, chest pain, excess energy/insomnia, I feel my heartbeat pounding in my chest/throat with a concerningly high heartrate consistently (110-150, average around 130). I'm constantly thinking about food or lack thereof, purging, pills, exercise, my body, and how terrible I feel physically. I'm always counting numbers like calories/other nutritional label facts and steps taken. I'm painfully self-aware that I'm being foolish and endangering myself, but I can't seem to stop engaging in these behaviors. I'm making myself sick and I need help. But I also don't want to stop. Not yet. Not until I get back down to my lowest weight and regain my self-control and discipline. As sick as it is, I missed feeling empty, small, frail, and ill. The pain is almost satisfying. I feel fully consumed by my ed and not much of a person right now, just a disorder. Nobody in my life besides R. and my therapist takes my ed seriously because I'm overweight, so why should I? I've had one since I was a child, would gain and lose the same 30lbs as a teenager, was hospitalized and tubed briefly after fasting for a long period whilst refusing to drink water, did residential, IOP, and PHP for it, lost 90 pounds in less than a year as an adult under the guise of stomach issues, etcetera. My aunt actually encouraged me to take my NG tube out because "I didn't need to gain any more weight". Talking to my therapist about how bad it's getting on Monday, but I'm scared to be hospitalized or even worse—tubed again. xX

[takoichigo]

Haven't written in a while. Honestly it's hard to string thoughts together now without getting distracted halfway through or rambling on forever.

I watched an entire season of RuPaul's Drag Race today. I'd never seen an episode but since watching Dungeons and Drag Queens I have had my curiosity piqued. I don't typically watch reality competition shows (unless they're on Food Network) but I really liked it a lot. It also made me have some thoughts about my wardrobe, and about making things, and generally I feel a little inspired. It's much more creative than I expected and I love that. Also, I love shiny things and colors and I'm trying to learn a bit more grace and femininity.

Pain has been pretty bad lately if I'm honest. The last week or so have been very rough. I turned down company yesterday because I had a fairly traumatic releasing of the contents of my colon in the morning, and it took me all day to not hurt anymore. Hurting constantly is one of the worst things about this. Like the pain when I go to the bathroom is worse, but it goes away. When it just aches all day and I don't get relief from it, it's hard to even just watch something. It's exhausting. I'm pretty sure yesterday I was nearly totally blocked up. It hurt in weird places and I felt really nauseous beforehand. Nothing has really made me nauseous up til this point. I was a little this morning too, but overall it's been a little better today. I think I need to be really careful about eating when I take my meds, and I definitely don't think jumping in the tub is an option in the morning anymore, the heat made everything way worse.

Home health is coming tomorrow afternoon to get me started on physical therapy, which I am looking forward to a little bit. Anything to get me feeling normal again, please. Everything is so empty right now and I feel lonelier than I think I ever have. The endless shaking my legs do is really getting bothersome. It's like they don't want to hold me up anymore. Even when I'm laying down they shake. And my left knee needs to stop locking up. I've had some really bad scares this week from it doing that. It's also really fucking painful.

I'm still always tired and I really can't do much of anything for myself. It's a challenge to even walk through my apartment to get from my bed to the bathroom. I don't regret moving my bed to my living room; the bedroom in my apartment is too small to fit a queen mattress with anything else, but the extra walking distance is not great when your body is screaming at you and you can't walk very well.

I think I want to take up crocheting again, I could probably do that while laying down. I kinda want a new laptop too, or a tablet so I can maybe draw while lying on my stomach or something. Something not messy that doesn't require too much effort to set up or set aside.

Things are going to get better. I have to believe that they will. It's hard when I'm all alone. And I do have good friends that have been helping as much as they can. But not the ones I expected. I'm pretty sad about that. Haven't seen either of the people who volunteered to be my medical POA in at least a month. Not in person anyway. And one of them maybe hates me now. And that's making me really upset. I can't think about it or I cry. It's easy to make me cry anyway (shit I did it like 5 times watching Drag Race and twice in the bathroom today at least just from feeling bad and being afraid) but I don't really want to cry. I don't want to have these stupid hot flashes either but that's what we get for cooking my ovaries with a big radioactive beam I guess.

I was tired a little while ago and I thought if I wrote out my thoughts it'd help me relax a bit more so I could sleep, but now I'm just overly warm and sad. And my neighbor across the hall is being really loud. And I didn't get any of the stuff done today that I wanted to get done, except for taking a shower. And then I had a hot flash anyway and was drenched in sweat again a couple hours later.

I hate this all so much. I just want to feel normal again. I want to drive and see my friends and go do things and enjoy my life. Because this isn't life. It's just waiting, either for good news or for death. And while I have a lot of patience with humans, I don't have the most for feeling bad and being alone all the time.

Anyway. I'm gonna mindlessly scroll for a bit now and hope something bores me enough that I get at least a couple hours of sleep.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Fasting Notes 9/5/23

Feel really bad after eating because none of it even tasted that good. My brain keeps thinking food tastes good so I go get some, but when I start eating I realize how much my cravings have actually changed. Like my brain can't keep up with my taste buds & stomach. I think my stomach has gotten smaller bc I got nauseous eating so much, but I didn't want to waste it bc I just went out and bought it. The idea of food is 100% better than the reality which is just feeling sick and disappointed. I need something that will actually make me feel as satisfied as my brain thinks it will so there's no regret. Like going to the gym or doing homework.

11 hrs in - getting out of class is such a trigger for me, I used to enjoy getting food or snacks after class as a reward for going, but now it just feels silly bc that's like doing the bare minimum, just sitting then getting up lmao. Plus exams are stressful and it feels like I need a food reward but that's crazy tbh.

16 hrs in - out of my afternoon class and feeling a little shaky but I get to go home now and be in my own environment so that's good. About to start my period so that's not helping but I want to push myself for this. Going to stop by the store to get some energy drinks, will drink water and herbal tea this afternoon. Really dehydrated. Also I avoided free donuts so yay! It helped that they just ran out with everyone else getting them so there was none left anyway :)

18.5 hrs in - hunger actually just kinda went away, I just need to change my habits/ cues and I think losing weight will be so much easier and less mentally taxing.

22-23 hrs in - had a severe mental breakdown but my bestie offered to cook dinner bc I am clearly not doing well, at least this is almost done but I don't even feel like eating now. I just have a very fuzzy/ dizzy head feeling. This would be so much easier if I didn't procrastinate my assignments so honestly just another reason to NOT procrastinate anymore bc it really does make everything SO MUCH HARDER to deal with.

[cursesavior]

Gaze drops to the pavement at her words - Suguru knew that she wasn't concerned about the curse, of course not, but he's always had an aversion to having others worry over him. Maybe it's because he's always been stronger than most, always been the one to support others and never had to be supported himself, but it just feels wrong. He's already burdened Chiaki enough as it is, seeing as she'll have to help him get back, he doesn't want his downward spiral to weigh on her mind and distract her. With the kind of thoughts he's been having lately, he's not sure he deserves the care she shows him in the first place. He winces slightly when she wraps an arm around his side - not from pain, he was used to gritting his teeth and bearing it, but there was no way that she wouldn't notice the weight loss now. As if avoiding questions wasn't going to be hard enough as it is, and he certainly doesn't want anyone trying to get him to eat more. He just... can't stomach it anymore. Can't stomach any of it.

"Mm," He makes a little noise of acknowledgement low in his throat at her insistence - no matter what, huh? He wonders if she really means that - if she could mean it, not knowing what's going on in his head. If he told her what he was thinking, about the hatred that felt like it was corroding his soul day by day, would she still stand by him? He doesn't think so, honestly - he's not sure anyone would. The only other person who had even remotely experienced the same thing as him was Satoru, and he seemed just fine... Were his feelings justified, or was he the problem? He doesn't know anymore. Regardless, he doubts she was going to stand by his growing hatred for humanity, by the murderous thoughts clouding his mind. So he keeps it all inside as he limps along with her assistance --

Or at least, that's what he thinks he's going to do. But then Chiaki's prying further, pointing out the all-too-obvious signs of his decline, and... Well, what can he do? It's not like he can say that she's wrong when this is the state that he's found himself in, practically falling apart at the seams - it's too late for that, she knows. And it seems like she's noticed for a while... Funny, how she picked up on it when Satoru seemed entirely blind to it. Not that he can entirely blame him, he did lie to him when he asked, but that doesn't stop it from leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. The feeling of her strings holding him up is a bit strange, but he's too preoccupied with his racing mind to mind all too much at the moment.

He opens his mouth, then closes it, then opens again - almost argues with her about her almost never smiling either, but that's always been the baseline for her, and he knows it's futile to try and misdirect the conversation at this point. He lets those fighting words go with a heavy sigh - he has to say something with some truth to it. "Nothing else... Happened, exactly, it's just... I had a change of perspective after Riko, I guess." That's the lightest possible way of putting it, but it's not a lie. "You know, when I woke up and found Satoru, he was standing there, holding her body - and everyone was clapping. Fucking applauding the murder of an innocent teenage girl who'd done nothing to them. He asked me if we should kill them all... And I said no. I was in shock, and... At the time, I still thought that was the right thing to do. That sorcerers shouldn't hurt defenseless m-- humans, no matter what. The strong need to protect the weak... And I didn't want to make him do something he'd regret."

He has to swallow down the urge to call them monkeys - because that's what they are, really - and just repeating his former ideology makes him nauseous, but now that he's started talking it's hard to stop. Word vomit. "... But I was wrong. Being a jujutsu sorcerer isn't noble or heroic - people like that don't deserve protecting. Every missions we risk our lives, fighting curses for the sake of civilians who would applaud at our deaths, and for what?" He scoffs, cold and bitter as venom starts to seep into his voice. "Just so that we can watch our peers - our friends - laid out on the morgue tables, one after the other? So that we can experience the worst this world has to offer over and over until we meet the same fate? It's not like the curses will ever stop coming. We're chipping away at nothing and the people we're supposedly protecting are..."

Scum. He cuts himself off before he can actually say it, but it's true - they're all scum. Filthy, disgusting, unrepentant animals. He can't bring himself to feel an ounce of sympathy towards them, not when he'd been faced with just how ugly humanity was. He can hardly bear to be in their presence at all anymore - he had to force his mind to shut down whenever he was on public transport to keep that simmering rage from boiling over. He can't stand it. Wouldn't it be better if they would all just... Disappear? He won't say it out loud, lips pursed tight in a frown to shut himself, but he hasn't stopped regretting the answer he gave Satoru that day. He should've let him kill them all - they would've deserved it. Better yet, he should've spared him the pain and regret and slaughtered them himself. They would be outcasts, sure, forced to defect, but... At least he could say he did the right thing. At least this wouldn't be eating away at him. It follows him everywhere - the sound of rain, of shower water hitting the tile floor sounds just like that deafening applause and knowing they're all still alive, living happy lives while good people like Haibara give up everything for a pointless cause... It makes him sick.

"It's hopeless. It's a marathon race where the only reward is a pile of corpses. It's-..." He takes another deep breath, shaky this time as furious tears sting at his eyes. Even now, in his weakened and lightheaded state he felt that urge to tear them all apart, fingers balling into fists as his cursed energy flares dangerously. "... I don't know, but... There's something terrible happening inside of me, some horrible truth unfolding, and... I can't stop it."

❝ WHETHER YOU EXORCISED IT OR NOT isn't what i'm worried about, geto. ❞ chiaki's response is instantaneous, her voice as unshakably level as ever. something about what he says — or perhaps the way he says it, so terribly resigned, as if he is stuck in a constant state of walking toward the gallows — sends a bolt of pain through her, and it is not the pain of a sympathetic friend. it is recognition. the deep, dread-invoking recognition, seeing a familiar name on the list of disaster casualties, the feeling you get when they open the morgue drawer and ask you, is this her? is this him? and you can't even cry because you feel so numb.

it isn't just summer stress, is it? she doesn't say, even as she blinks back a swell of saltwater and loops the arm on geto's good side around her shoulders. it would be just as easy to hoist him up with the threads of her cursed energy that swirl among his like oil and water, but being this close — and delicate, especially with the arm that wraps around his waist and rests above the wound — allows her to confirm a suspicion she's held for some time.

he's wasting away.

chiaki, of late, has been incredibly grateful for her lifelong sweet tooth. it's the only way she's been able to keep food down, the rush of dopamine from a hit of sugar allowing her body to keep running the gears of fueling itself even through the screaming haze in her mind. it certainly isn't the healthiest diet — god knows some part of her that has been choked out by the grief misses the energy she got from balanced meals — but when everything else tastes like ash and the motivation to eat feels like an uphill battle, at least it's something. still, he isn't the only one who looks worse for wear lately. chiaki just has the benefit of being able to hide it better.

��� hey. don't apologize, ❞ she murmurs. ❝ you're my friend. of course i'm going to help you, no matter what. ❞ it's a loaded sentence; it means so many things all at once.

❝ what's happening to you, geto? ❞ the words slip out without her meaning to, without passing through her diplomacy filters she was formerly known for — which, in fairness, have all crumbled in the wake of her parents' deaths anyway. it feels so stupid to try to speak around people's feelings. what's the point? what's the point when even the best of them die anyway? her parents, haibara, who's next? nanami? shoko? chiaki herself?

she doesn't realize she's clutching him too tightly until her arm cramps from the tension; with a gasp, she loosens her grip on his bad side again, lets a cluster of threads attach to his shoulders to aid her in supporting his (concerningly light, even with her relative weakness) standing weight. ❝ don't try to wave it off this time. i'm — sorry if this sounds rude, but you're not okay. you're skin and bones, you haven't been eating, i haven't seen a real smile from you in months — ❞ bold, maybe, from the girl who famously smiles once in a blue moon. but that's different. ❝ it wasn't just amanai, was it? something else happened. ❞

[yoyokslut]

Avocado.

Pairing: Chris Evans x pregnant reader.

Summary: You don't feel like eating avocado anymore.

Word count: 1141 words.

Who said being pregnant was easy? Nobody, because it wasn't at all. Of course, bringing a little human being into the world was something that you and your partner found magical and beautiful, the fact that your body is capable of giving/creating a new life was impressive and totally mind-blowing and it was the best decision you could have made as a couple.

You were 7 months pregnant and your belly was very big, your baby already knew your voices and most of the time you spoke to him and sang he moved, yes, he. When you found out that it would be a boy Chris was so happy there was no room for happiness in him, although you honestly did not care about the gender, you just wanted him to be safe and sound, you would love your little human however he was.

For dinner you would have; chicken breast with lemon and oregano with tomato and avocado. It sounded delicious and it were one of the few things that didn't make you nauseous when smelling them.

You went into the kitchen where Chris was finishing making dinner.

"Is it almost ready, love?" you stood behind him hugging his waist and poking your head over his shoulder.

You licked your lips almost being able to taste it. Chris laughed and kissed your cheek, it seemed so sweet to him that you couldn't take it anymore.

"Yes, honey, I just finish chopping tomato and this is all yours "

"Mmm, and are you included too?" you put your hands on his chest and began to kiss his neck slowly.

He growled and you felt him begin to tense up.

"Baby, stop. First I'm going to feed you and our little one and then I'll do whatever you want." he turned around to take your face in his hands and kiss your forehead.

"How does that sound?" he said caressing your cheeks and smiling.

"Tempting. I accept" you gave a peck on his lips

"Very well. But first I have to finish" he turned around to start serving and you took the opportunity to spank him and go sit down.

"Hey!" he said turning to play "offended" and laughing.

"You always do it to me, why can't I?" you gave him a mischievous smile and then put on an innocent face.

"You're crazy, woman," he said starting to serve the dishes.

"But for you" you gave him a quick kiss when he approached to put down your plate.

"I love you" he said sitting next to you while he caressed your hand.

"And I love you, now I need to eat because your son and I crave it" you took the knife and started cutting the chicken breast.

"Bon appetit, my love" Chris laughed, you seemed so anxious.

You took a bite of the tomato chicken breast and groaned.

"This is delicious"

"Thanks my love"

With the fork you grabbed a piece of avocado and put it in your mouth, you began to taste and enjoy and then swallow it.

"I love avocado, I would eat it for the rest of my life"

"I don't understand how you like it so much, I don't, I can't find the taste in it," he said as he made a unpleasant face.

You were going to answer him when suddenly you got horrible nausea and you felt that the avocado was coming back down your throat. You ran to the bathroom so you could empty everything that came next.

Chris ran after you to help you duck and hold your hair while you finished.

After the food was expelled, you rinsed your mouth and went to the living room to lie down for a moment.

The smell of avocado filled your nose, making you more nauseous.

"Please put the avocado somewhere else to stop smelling it, I can't stand it." you covered your nose and breathed a little through your mouth so you won't vomit again.

Chris put the food in the fridge and brought you a glass of water.

"Here, honey, drink some water. Maybe the nausea will pass" he sat next to you rubbing your thigh.

You drank some, put it on the table, and rested your head on his shoulder.

"This is definitely your son" you closed your eyes and sighed. Chris started laughing

"Do you think I had to do with your vomit?"

"I don't think so, I'm sure. He had never grossed me out and now that our baby overheard his daddy say that he doesn't like avocado casually I can't tolerate it anymore. This baby will come out exactly to you, Chris, I'm sure. He will be your mini me, believe me." you sat on his lap passing your hands around his neck.

"The last thing I would have wanted would be to cause you discomfort, my love. But maybe the baby will look like me, but he will be with your personality and attitude, maybe he is also just as indecisive as you and that's why he didn't want avocado." he said caressing your belly and then caressing your hips.

"Maybe" you said laughing and running your fingers through his hair

"But I want him to look like you, it will be so cute to have a mini version of you walking around the house"

"I want him to be like you, like his mother so fucking perfect, God, I love you very much." he gave little kisses on your forehead.

"And I love you" you said looking into his eyes and kissing his nose.

"If I remember correctly you said that after dinner you would do whatever I wanted" you gave him a mischievous look.

He gave a little laugh shaking his head.

"I said that I'd feed you first and I didn't do it" he put his hand on your butt and began to stroke it.

"But the nausea came and it wasn't anyone's fault" you pouted.

"I thought you said it was my fault," he said raising an eyebrow.

"I withdraw what I said then" you straddled him and began to move a little. He put his hands on your hips trying to control himself.

"Love" he growled "First you have to have something for dinner" he said closing his eyes and tilting his head back.

"I will, but after doing what I want" you kept moving and started kissing and licking his neck.

He groaned and his grip tightened.

"Fine" he opened his eyes and you stopped your movements.

"You are insatiable, but who am I to deny myself?" the two of you smiled for a moment and then you stopped.

"I'm going to rinse and brush my teeth, see you in our room" you said going to the bathroom.

"Whatever you say, baby," he winked at you to walk into his room.

[i-lovethatforme]

A pregnancy reveal that does not go to plan at all. Like peter doesn’t realize what she is talking about and the realizes and freaks out. Please.

i switched it up! hope you don't miiiiiiind <33333

"Peter's going to break up with me," MJ finally blurts out twisting her fork loosely through her pasta. Her lunch is nice, there's nothing wrong with it. But the heartache is making her nauseous and she's been struggling to eat for the past few days.

"As if," May scoffs. "I spend a good ninety percent of the time I see Peter listening to everything you've been doing for the past week. What even makes you think that?"

MJ always backs up her arguments with facts, so she pulls her phone out and pulls up the notes app. Sue her, she's been waking up in the middle of the night lately, feeling restless and she's always greeted with a cold side of the bed.

"He's avoiding me," she starts, holding her finger up, annoyed at the number of things she's written down. "He hasn't slept in our bed all week. He hasn't been home for dinner. He's hiding things from me and somehow, he's doing it well because I can't find anything in the apartment."

"Michelle," May says, her voice soft and her eyes kind.

"He's not talking to me," MJ continues, her voice breaking as she lets the emotions she's been feeling at the fact she's about to lose the love of her life, wash over her.

"He's supposed to be here," she sniffs, running her hand over her face. It's true. They're sitting at a three-seater and getting glares from people that need the space more than them, but she was adamant she didn't want to move. Peter was always late. But he never let her down.

"Oh sweetie, it's probably just -"

"I know," MJ says quickly, trying to control herself. She doesn't want to put May in an awkward position even though MJ knows May would call Peter out on his shit if she needed to. "I know, it's just - a rough patch I guess."

MJ has heard of them, they're in the books she reads, the movies Peter makes her watch. Everyone has a rough patch. She guesses she's just lucky she's never had one with Peter. And she'll suffer through it if it means she gets to keep him in the end.

The thought of them not together makes her heart physically hurt. The thought that he doesn't want her anymore. That the same thing he fell in love with her for, is now the thing he can't stand. That he doesn't browse Pinterest for nursery colours even though they haven't been trying very long.

Mainly, it's the thought of having the rest of her life without him. That she'll do the food shop with someone else that doesn't buy their own body weight in peanut butter. That she'll sleep next to someone that doesn't hog the covers and that she doesn't wake up wrapped around.

"Sorry, May," she huffs. "I'm just - tired I guess and grouchy."

"It's okay honey, I know you don't sleep as well unless Peter is there," she says with a wink.

"The Parker's are menaces," MJ says with a roll of her eyes. The thought lingering in the back of her mind that she'll never get to be a Parker either.

---

MJ doesn't wallow on her walk home. She just happens to stop and grab a carton of ice cream and some Chinese food that she had to walk eight blocks for but she's just had a craving for it.

Besides, she knows Peter won't be home anyway. It's not as if she's rushing back for anything other than an empty apartment and her own thoughts.

She just really misses him. She pulls her phone out as she walks up the stairs and there are no new messages. Though to be fair, she hasn't been messaging him first for a few days because she's petty and if he's avoiding her then she's avoiding him right back.

But she's bored of the burning sensation at the back of her throat and she hates the way her eyes mist up whenever she thinks about him, which is all the time. So she opens his contact anyway.

MJ: I miss you.

It's not like she's expecting him to reply. But when it comes down to it, she wants to know she tried everything she could.

But when she opens the apartment door, she's greeted with a million lights, the pretty kind with the warm glow. There are flowers everywhere, she's a little overwhelmed by the smell but she shoves that thought down as she looks for him.

"I miss you, too," he says, finally emerging from their bedroom. He's in a suit because of course he is.

"What's going on?" she asks, the tears welling up in her eyes quicker than she cares for. But she doesn't care - not now he's here.

"I wanted it to be special," he whispers, then, "because I found out first and that's not how it's supposed to go."

"Found what out?"

"But then I realised I could surprise you and I never get to surprise you," he continues, entirely ignoring her question but she'll let him get away with it because she's like 97% sure this isn't a spectacular break up. The 3% plays on her mind.

"So you're not breaking up with me?"

"What?!"

"I just - it doesn't matter," she laughs, shaking her head because she's insane for even thinking it. But Peter is right there, his hands tilting her face.

"MJ. You're - you're the love of my life. I think about you when I'm not even thinking. I could never - I would never want to lose you."

"I know," she whispers. "My minds just been all over the place and you've been gone, planning this I guess."

"Yeah," he frowns. "I shouldn't have - I didn't want you to think it was anything bad."

"It's not your fault I'm emotional at the moment," she says, rolling her eyes as she leans against him.

"I mean... it kind of is," he teases, the happiness in his voice making her pull back.

"What?"

"Well, you know how much you love me? And how sometimes there's just too much for you to keep in your chest?"

"Oookay," she laughs, pushing him away but he doesn't let her go anywhere.

"Okay, okay," he relents, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. God, she does love him.

"You know how much I love you? And how I think you're perfect?"

"That's more like it," she whispers, leaning to kiss him. He lets her.

"And you know how good a team we are?" he mutters against her lips as she hums. "Well, we're getting a new addition."

"You better not have found another stray in the dumpster, Pete, I'm serious."

"You wanted to keep him! We just found his owners instead, don't make me bring up the tears," he says, laughing as she groans.

"This one will be cuter," he promises, his hands tightening against her waist. "Hopefully like 90% you and 10% me. Maybe 95..."

"What?" she asks, her voice full of a hope she daren't think about. "How do you know?"

It's obvious to her now. The emotions, the appetite, the mind fog. How much Peter loves her.

"I can hear them."

"Yeah?" she says, kissing him quickly. He spins her in his arms, holding onto her tightly. It's weird, going from the aching sadness to feeling on top of the world. But Peter's always been able to make her smile.

"Mhmm, baby Jones, reporting for duty," he laughs, his voice wet as he beams at her.

"Baby Jones Parker."

[kiridarling]

𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓.

request | Can I have royalty au (soon to be king bakugou) (and soon to be queen reader) , katsuki and reader are supposed to be getting married (not to eachother) but they end up sneaking around and doing IT with eachother so top!kats , exhibition , begging , dumbification and spanking THANK YOU💞💞

this lovely request was submitted for the kissing booth event (the rest of the drabbles come out soon, ahem :)) so, if this was your request, um...hAHA whoops.

katsuki bakugou | f!reader, royalty!au, infidelity, nondescript!fiancés, angst (gasp), fingering, exhibitionism, dumbification + more! minors dni!

— 3.7k words

“C'mon, princess...can I make you feel good once last time?

You're getting married.

No more ignorance is bliss, no more I didn't know any better—this is when you put all your childish antics to the side and fucking woman up, now in charge of the safety of your kingdom and its inhabitants and whatnot. So yes, you must snuff all your adolescent tendencies, and that includes sleeping with the Crowned Prince of the neighboring kingdom behind your fiancé's backs.

But, boys are stubborn. And stupid.

Ding ding ding!

"Excuse me, Everyone!" Your fiancé announces to the crowd in your dining room as he stumbles to his feet, spoon clinking against his glass. He nearly trips, but no one sees except yourself. "I would like to make a toast."

You frown. This wasn't a part of the rehearsal dinner.

"First of all, I would like to thank you all for being able to be with us tonight," he says, shoving the glass higher in the air. As red wine splashes over the rim, you think to remind him that isn't a toast, it's the beginning of a speech, but your comments have rarely deterred the man in the past. "As you’re all aware, this marriage is vital. Not only for our kingdom, but for the neighboring kingdom as well."

Your fiancé regards the Bakugou’s with a lift of his chalice. In the coming weeks, two arranged marriages will melt the four most influential kingdoms into two, and your fiancé and his family had the genius to throw a massive Gala to celebrate it. You wouldn’t be surprised if they got off to the idea of stretching themselves so thin their hair falls out at age thirty; they won’t even allow you to choose the type of dress for your wedding.

"I would also like to thank my lovely, lovely wife, for just being so... lovely.” Your fiancé chuckles, accompanied by an uncomfortable massage to your shoulder. The guests find amusement in how whipped he is as he gazes your way expectantly, conceivably wishing to see you swoon at the compliment. All you give him is a blank face. His elation falters.

"You know, when I first met this woman, I knew she was going to be the love of my life," your fiancé shakes your glare off. You purposely block out the rest of his story in favor of folding and unfolding your napkin again, puffing under your breath at the cheesy comment.

"Sap," you grunt to yourself, obviously. You don't expect anyone to hear, but there's a snort to your right. Your eyes lift from your lap—and straight into Katsuki's smug blood red ones. He winks at you from across the table and your eyes roll at that, though there's a small smile playing on your face that's impossible to hide.

"Isn't that right [Y/N]!...[Y/N]?"

You blink yourself back to life, eyes reluctantly leaving Katuski's hypnotic ones for the pair that make you nauseous, "Oh—u-um, yep!"

The place bursts in laughter and there's even a little smile dancing on Katsuki's face. He catches you staring so your eyes divert to your lap, but his remain a physical force against you for the rest of the night.

*selene — the greek goddess of the moon

The balcony is much nicer than the ballroom.

For one, it's the farthest place you could have gone from the commotion, all the way on the opposite side of the castle. It's a solid five-minute walk when you aren't in heels and a heavy petticoat, but it provides a lovely view of your front yard, subjecting you to watch the early-sleepers leave in their carriages to call it a night. Meanwhile, *Selene watches you from her telescope the moon with a sigh and a sad smile, because she's the only one who knows how completely and utterly alone you will be.

You glare at her—the goddess doesn't waver.

Bitch.

It's no secret that Gala’s like these get overwhelming—especially when you're the center of attention. You see Lord Shinsou (Earl) stuff the eager Lord Kaminari (Baron) into his silver-plated carriage before looking around to ensure no one saw, and blanche upon seeing your figure stood on the balcony. You salute so he knows his secret is safe with you, and relief washes over his face before he too hops into the carriage. What a scandal, you giggle.

Plenty of couples resign home after that; it makes you uneasy. You're unsure as to why, but you have the ever-increasing urge to nip at your fingernails until you don't have them anymore, and jamming the sharpest point of your heel into the concrete seems like the only proper way to release enough kinetic energy before you explode.

"He loves me."

He does, embarrassingly so—so what's the issue?

There isn't an issue; there shouldn't be. He reminds you how pretty you are and you compliment his influence. Neither of you are marrying down. You look good together. The kingdom's future power couple if you will, where you two supposedly mold the great future in your peculiarly young hands. There isn't an issue. You're the one for him, and he's the one for you.

The balcony door whines open. You don't turn around, praying whoever it is will see that it's occupied and turn the other cheek. Yet, the stomp of whoever's boots only grow louder until you’re adjacent to a shadow of a being, his chin lifted towards the stars. You catch a glimpse of blond hair, though dyed a pale white by the silver moon, and you two stand in a strangely comfortable silence, watching carriages roll out of your driveway.

The silence doesn’t last for long, though. It never does.

"D’ya always go disappearing like that?"

You frown. "What?"

"I don't fuckin' know," Katsuki grumbles—he has yet to look at you. Seems like Selene captures more than one person's attention tonight. "Blinked and you were gone."

Your frown only deepens, and you return your attention to the courtyard. "I didn't know you were paying attention."

The ash-blond presses his forearms against the railing for support. "I wasn't. He was."

Oh.

"Said he wants you to come back, so," Katsuki clicks his tongue, carmine red eyes finally flicking your way through the darkness. You don’t dare look at him. “You run off often, or what?"

"Tell him I'll come back in a second," you sigh, balancing your face in your hand. Katsuki says nothing, but he doesn't leave, and you hate that you don't mind.

Until he points towards a couple crossing the lawn and says, "Oi, that's the Duke from my fiancé's kingdom. Fucker tried to poison my dad for the throne—straightened him out real quick.”

"Why are you talking to me?" You snap like a cornered animal. Katsuki lifts an eyebrow.

"What? I can't have a goddamn conversation?"

"I—" your chest rises and falls with a reason to why he can't, but you can only come up with one—and you don't want to think about it.

"Listen. I don't like these things either, alright?" He huffs defensively, so defensively that you have to take a step back. "If I have the opportunity to get some fresh air, I'm gonna fuckin' take it."

You shrug, supposing it makes you one and the same. The wind blows, not harsh, but harsh enough to ruffle your gown, and make the gold jewelry decorating Katsuki's tunic jingle.

“So. I guess this is it, ain’t it?”

You sigh, “Katsuki, you know we—“

"Yeah yeah, that's all you fuckin' say," he growls bitterly, and you blink in a poor attempt to find where the animosity came from. His face twists in an ugly way as he sits his hands on his hips, nose scrunched to mockingly pitch his voice that doesn't sound like yours at all. "We can't, we shouldn't—"

"Because we shouldn't!" You nearly shout, and Katsuki jumps from how quickly you raise your voice. "Because—because if we get caught, we're fucked. And I can't go to sleep terrified that I'll wake up to an exposé tomorrow morning and get beheaded by the afternoon. So...please. Just stop."

Katsuki clicks his tongue.

"You don't love that asshole."

Your throat feels tight—much too tight to be comfortable, and your chest rises and falls with disbelief as you search for the words before you can talk again, eyes never dropping from the stars. You've had this conversation, fuck, you have it too often; often enough to know that he would say those exact words, and enough to know precisely what you'll say in response.

"I love him, Katsuki."

"No, no you fuckin' don't," the ash-blond chucks a laugh and it's nothing short of acrid, his words eating away at your skin more than you'd like them to. You sigh, resting your forearms on the railing too.

"I'm not having this conversation with you."

"Always gotta be so goddamn emotionally unavailable, huh?" He growls, glare set on the mountains presented in front of you. You feel his suit jacket hit your freezing shoulders, unaware of the cool temperatures until you feel the cloth brush against goosebumps. It’s your turn to laugh bitterly.

“Careful. People might think we’re getting married to each other.”

“One day you’ll let me fuckin’ live,” he grunts, and your eyes meet for the first time. His usual red is dyed a deep purple by the moonlight, their usual hardness traded for something much softer. “Can’t even give you a jacket when you’re shivering like a goddamn leaf in the wind.”

You give him a look of utter exhaustion because you’re tired—tired of all this running around and hiding, the secrecy. It eats at your insides like a caterpillar does a leaf, knowing that you go to sleep every night to a man who’ll barely touch you, but at the same time, feeling guilty that you don’t need nor want him to.

“Why are you here?”

Katsuki clicks his tongue. His warm body settles behind yours, close enough to feel the warmth but not close enough to feel him. “You looked lonely.”

“I thought my fiancé told you to get me?” You ask, raising a suspicious eyebrow. Katsuki rolls his eyes, his arms settling on both sides of yours.

“He did. But I didn’t refuse the damn request either.”

“You saw my loneliness all the way from the ballroom. What an eyesight,” you scoff. Katsuki’s eyes narrow, but it’s clear he’s fighting a grin because you’re a little shit who loves giving him a hard time. The ash-blond’s chest rises and falls, and he bites the inside of his cheek.

“You know what I mean.”

You snort, tilting your head to the right. You suppose you do.

“And I’m marrying a bitch,” he adds to his list of grievances, his hands finding yours to gently play with your fingers. You nod in agreement. A bitch she is.

“And...I’m really going to fuckin’ miss you.”

It might as well pass for nothing but a breath, eyes trained on your held hands. His chest suspends like he has more to say, but his teeth tear at the inside of his cheek before he can. “I—fuck, I get it, okay? I’m a selfish asshole—“

“This doesn’t have to do wit—“

“And I really, really need to get my fuckin’ priorities straight. I mean, they are, just not in the way they should be.”

“Hey,” you chastise, shaking his hands for his attention. “You can’t control who you love, okay?"

Katsuki grumbles at that but you refuse, turning around to look him in the eyes.

"And neither can I.”

You let go of his hands in favor of pulling him down via his cheeks and giving him a big fat kiss on the lips. It’s peckish and brief, but it’s sweet and gets your point across. It's comfortable.

“The hell was that for?” Katsuki asks once you pull away. Though you see him struggle to hide a grin, eyes squinting more than they should.

“Easy,” you say, stepping forwards (as if there’s any space for that), “You looked lonely.”

Katsuki snorts, dropping his head, “Bastard.”

“And I’m being married off to an asshole,” you lament, pulling his face so close to the point you’re sure the strain on his back has got to be anything but sexy. He accommodates anyways—Katsuki always has; and night seems to suspend along with his baited breath as he waits for the next line, eyes shining with a painful hope you’re about to confirm.

“And I’m really, really going to miss you,” you say, shaking your head at how utterly true that statement is. Fuck.

The vulnerability slowly fades from his eyes at that, and Katsuki hums, clammy hands finding their rightful place around your hips.

“You shouldn’t call him an asshole, you know,” he says, face inching so close you can smell the champagne on his breath. “He means well.”

“I didn’t know you cared,” you quip back, raising an eyebrow. Katsuki shrugs, and you don’t realize he’s backing you up until your back kisses the cool railing.

“Well. I can’t help but feel a little bad,” he says cheekily as he inches closer, “‘Cause I make you feel so good, don’t I, Princess? Last time I checked, better than he ever could.”

You scoff at his audacity though it’s all good-natured, eyes preferring the moon over his heated gaze as he turns you around to face the courtyard.

“Ah, ah,” he tuts, redirecting your attention using a finger on your jaw, “Eyes on me, Princess. You look really fuckin’ pretty under the stars, y’know.”

You snort at the compliment, rolling your eyes.

“‘M serious. A fuckin’ goddess,” he growls, leaving wet kisses up the column of your neck. Your breath hitches as he reaches your sweet spot and sucks, and you’re swatting him away before he can leave a mark.

“I sai—“

“One last time, Princess,” he bargains lowly as his hot hands slide their way from your waist to your breasts, taking their sweet time. Katsuki hooks his chin on your shoulder. “Lemme—Can I make you feel good one last time?”

You’re nodding with a whimper before you can berate yourself for being so fucking easy, the thought of not being able to indulge yourself with this, with him, any longer tosses any and all resistance out the window.

“Good,” Katsuki hums, tweaking your nipples through the bodice. “‘M gonna pay you back for being so good to me, yeah? For puttin' up with all my shit."

You scoff, mouth dropping to tell him you weren't putting up with his shit, but then a warm hand lands on your thigh—somehow, he's found a way under your dress. The hand slides up inner thigh and you feel Katsuki's chest shudder against your back as he finally reaches where you need him most.

"K-Kats—"

"Shhh, you don't want them to hear us, do you?" He grunts, pulling your panties to the side. You shiver from the change in temperature, watching another Duke and Duchess of half-drunkenly stumble into their carriages for the night, before there's a crack of a whip and hooves beat towards the exit. It's only a reminder of how painfully exposed you two are—one glance towards the balcony and any onlooker would know exactly what's happening. You hate it.

You hate that you don't.

"Atta girl," Katsuki purrs, groaning as he inserts a finger. You shiver, the weight of his being practically trapping you against the railing. "Always so fuckin' tight. I swear that asshole never fucks you right."

Katsuki's never been an impatient man and fills you with a second finger awfully fast, chuckling when you bite into the meat of your palm to hold back a whimper. His hips start to grind against the puff of your dress and he groans as quietly as he can, carelessly shoving down the sleeve of his suit jacket to bite into your shoulder.

You let out a broken moan much too loud for this time of night and it prompts Katsuki's free hand to stuff an equal amount of fingers into your mouth. "Y'know, something tells me you wanna get caught. You want the whole world to know how much you fuckin' hate that bastard, huh?"

You choke as Katsuki slides in a third digit next to the second, the slap of his palm against your pussy becoming nothing but obscene as your slick accentuates the sound. His hips speed up against your ass and that's enough friction to have the ash-blond groaning, along with the spit that drips down his forearm.

"So dirty for me, Princess," his hips stutter when you push back, tongue laving over the bite mark you'll probably have to conceal in the morning. Asshole. "You wanna cum like this, don't you? You're gonna cum all over my fingers in front of the entire royal court. Dumb little girl, can't even keep her mouth shut to keep us from gettin' caught."

You jam your heel into the balcony concrete so hard you positive it cracks before you're coming all over Katsuki's fingers, nearly choking on the ones in your mouth as you release the loudest broken moan you have that night. Katsuki's hips stutter against you and you're positive he's filling his boxers from the airy moan that follows, and his hand goes limp in your mouth before it slides out completely.

Your chests balloon in unison, his body draped over yours, and as you two catch your breath under the moonlight, you can’t help but think how much you’re going to miss this.

"Run away with me."

"I—" he does this. He always does this. He makes you feel on top of the world, acting like everything's fine, and then he pulls this shit on you. You look everywhere but him, nearly scoffing in disbelief. "Katsuki—"

"C'mon, Princess," Katsuki scrambles to flip you by the waist until your back is flush against the railing again and he’s cradling both your hands in his semi-damp ones. There’s a look in his eyes you don’t like, and it makes your chest burn. "Across the sea, people are movin’ over there and I—I know someone there, okay? Someone we could stay with, maybe help us get back on our feet an-and I found a fuckin’ ferry guy to take us across, and I can even pay him a little extra, o-or you, or—"

"Katsuki," you give him a sad smile, squeezing his hands tight. There's hope, too much hope in his eyes and it's fucking blinding. "Running away? I—this is—we have an obligation, we can't jus—"

"It'll be fine," he insists, stepping forwards and squeezing you back twice as hard. You sigh."I—the two kingdoms can merge or whatever the fuck they wanna do and then we'll be—"

"Katsuki."

"I—fuck Princess, I don't beg but goddammit, I'll do whatever you fuckin' want, get on my knees, I ca—"

"You really want to know what I want?"

Katsuki freezes. It's the first time you've ever seen some semblance of emotion in him that isn't anger or lust, with carmine red irises swimming in unshed tears—and fuck, you hate the sight. You want to shoot yourself in the fucking foot for what you’re about to do, but it’s for the best. It always is.

"Love her."

Katsuki looks at you, and his face drops, chest shuddering.

"I can't."

You drop his hands in favor of holding his face, thumbing at the hot tears running as they fall. God, Katsuki’s pretty—too pretty for his own good and he doesn’t even know it. His unsteady hands find themselves massaging your ribs and your foreheads knock together. "You need to try. Love her as much as you love me, yeah?"

"'S fuckin' impossible," Katsuki says with a wet snort, shaking his head with eyebrows raised. You giggle, throat impossibly tight.

"Almost, then? For me."

Katsuki’s red eyes stare at you through the darkness. You have half a mind to look the other way, but you figure you owe him this if nothing else, and as he lovingly absorbs your being under the moonlight for the last time, you really wish you could take your words back.

"I'll...fuck. Fine. I'll try." Katsuki resigns with a shrug, shaking his head. You two sniffle in unison and you suppress the strange urge to pinch him. "'M not gonna try to get over you, though. Sorry, not sorry."

You roll your eyes at that but it's all good-natured, followed by a choke you struggle to hide as his arms coil around your waist, "Then I won't either."

A genuine grin spreads across his face, and it’s borderline giddy—and a stark contrast against the waterworks. "She finally fuckin' admits it."

"Figured it was about time," you give him a wobbly smile before your eyes flicker to his, red blurring from being so close. Selene looks upon both of you with a reminiscent sigh.

"I love you, Katsuki Bakugou."

Katsuki sniffs before he laughs; it's wet, and near bitter, and he pulls you so close your face nearly shoves into his chest. "Fuck. Fuck, you're an asshole, you know that?"

"This is when you say it back," you bargain, squishing his cheeks. Katsuki presses his forehead deeper into yours.

"I love you too, Asshole."

He speaks with a softness you've never heard and it's like a gunshot to the heart, and as his lips inch closer to yours as your hands slide to thumb at his ears. One last kiss wouldn't hurt, would it?

Until there's a whistle and the click of footsteps. You and Katsuki jump a mile apart.

"Oh, [Y/N]! You're still out here in the cold?" Your fiancé asks with a raised eyebrow, but it seems like that's only an afterthought as he turns to Katsuki to say, "Your wife’s found the alcohol."

"Great," the ash-blond groans, understanding the translation—your fiancé is piss drunk in the ballroom.

"I do recommend you take her home. She's making quite a mess of the eclairs. And her face."

Katsuki heads inside without giving you a second glance, and your fiancé gives him a solid pat on the way in before turning to you halfway through the doorway, "Are you coming inside, Darling?"

"In a moment," you say with a smile. Your hand never leaves the railing. "Just getting some fresh air."

"Alrighty, then. I'll be in the bedroom. Waiting~" he winks, and with that, he's spinning on his heel, and you're alone with the moon again.

You watch Katsuki guide his inebriated fiancé into the carriage lovingly, with a smile on his face that isn't quite the one he wears with you but close enough, whispering whatever pleases her at the time with a chaste kiss on the cheek. You feel comfort in knowing that he has someone to love and someone to be loved by. He doesn't look your way—not once.

It's not until they drive away that you realize you still have his suit jacket draped over your shoulders. You don't doubt he did that on purpose, either.

Asshole.