#and not being able to read social cues to the point where it causes a meltdown (''get a clue'' scene in s1)

[denkies]

"Mob's not autistic!!!" my brother in christ he literally has a book titled "How To Read Social Cues"

[cuntyglam]

alien romulus, andy, racism, and why robots are autistic

this is an introspective into how the alien series treats artificial humans, also known as synthetics, and how sci-fi portrays androids in general. alien romulus spoilers under cut. written by a native autistic and disabled fan <3

andy from alien romulus is an artificial human that is constantly being seen as less because of his race (artificial human) and who often portrays autistic characteristics. these characteristics include an aversion to loud sounds, difficulty reading social cues, and a special interest in dad jokes.

his behavior is explained by him being a “damaged” artificial human, which is somewhat disappointing. it’s disappointing that these traits that so many of us autistic people have are considered flaws in the context of the movie.

his sister, who is human, takes him for granted and chooses her life over his, even though he shows emotions and was apart of her family. even though it isn’t outright stated, this kind of reminds me how sometimes we as autistic people are seen as a burden on our families, despite us being able to care for ourselves.

once andy gets rook’s chip inserted he becomes “better”. “better” motor skills, “better” intelligence, and “better” everything. but yet, he still portrays autistic characteristics. he doesn’t go from autistic to not autistic, he just starts displaying different autistic traits. he is very knowledgeable about tech, aliens, and the human body, while being very objective about what the right thing to do is. instead of being a very empathetic person, he is a very practical and calculating person, which i think is super interesting.

honestly, i think it would have been really interesting to see him be the sole survivor. to have him get his revenge on the sister that betrayed him and the world who bullied him for his raise and ability.

okay now to androids, synthetics, and robots as a whole. robots are seen as cold and emotionless, similarly to how autistic people are seen, so many ai and robot characters are autistic coded. robots don’t have compassion or empathy in the eyes of the general public, same as autistic people. many autistic people have reclaimed robot characters to represent us, and i think that’s fantastic !!

i specifically love artificial humans in the alien franchise because they showcase so much depth and empathy, while still displaying autistic traits. and beyond that, most of these artificial humans are enslaved by a corporation (weyland yutani), and despite direct programming from their oppressors, most artificial humans end up doing the right moral thing in the end, further proving their humanity. despite being technically non human, i genuinely think they’re good autistic representation. do i like the way that the characters around them treat them ? no. but i think that might be the point. the point is that these characters are ableist and racist and shouldn’t be considered morally correct. i think that the writers could convey this in a better way though.

okay. racism discussion time. several times throughout this series we encounter artificial humans, and almost every time they have to correct their peers on the right terminology to use for them. as a native person who has had to tell multiple people (coworkers, professors, etc.) not to call me an indian, this really stuck with me growing up, and i still think it’s interesting to this day. in alien: romulus andy’s sister uses “synthetic” to refer to him MULTIPLE TIMES, after he’s stated that he prefers artificial human. this is important, because even though he’s family she still does not fully understand what he goes through and she does not respect his identity or boundaries.

there are also multiple instances throughout the series where characters (our beloved ripley included) have prejudice against artificial humans because of bad experiences with artificial humans in the past. this causes human characters to attack and/or harass artificial humans who they have just met for no other reason than their race. in alien: romulus we see a character be hostile towards andy because another unrelated artificial human made a choice to save the many over the few, and his mother died. this is a choice that many humans would make and would not be blamed for. this reflects the real world, where people of color are blamed for almost every choice they make, while white folks can make the same choices and not be criticized.

in conclusion, i love the character of andy and i think him and the alien franchise as a whole is so interesting. let me know if you want a deep dive into the themes of sexual violence, birth, and motherhood in the alien series !! i’ve done a whole research paper on it, and my college admissions essay was about the alien queen, so i know quite a lot !! i hope this drives a lot more fans towards the alien fandom and i hope a bunch more merch comes out !! yippee !!

[dearweirdme]

Hi 👋

First, I wanna thank you for being honest with me. I'm not the best at reading social cues so unless you are direct with me I'll be thinking "I think we're getting along!" and go on completely oblivious to any implications lol So your honesty is greatly appreciated, I'll keep everything you said in mind in the future.

On a second note, I'm really sorry for how my words came off 🙏, that really wasn't my intention. But now I see exactly what you mean, it really wasn't my place to tell you how to run your blog, it came off really bad. I sincerely apologize for that.

Now, to be real with you, I don't see you as delusional or wrong, or to be more accurate, both our opinions are based on pure speculation and personal interpretation, so I don't see you as any more delusional than I see myself.

In my perspective, I don't see Jikook as a real couple because they have never confirmed themselves to be one. And as long as that question lies unanswered, I'll only truly believe what they have described their relationship as, which is close friends. There's a part of me that suspects they're a couple but I don't see it as a fact.

So, keeping that in mind, I'll only believe you are actually delusional if there's not a single fiber of your being that believes you could be wrong, you are 100% sure Taekook are a couple. But that wouldn't be because you're a Taekooker, it'll be because you, a complete outsider to their life, believe your speculations to be a fact. And that's just a dangerous mentality to have in general, and unfortunately, I see it frequently in both jikook and taekook circles.

I don't come here to try to change your mind about Taekook, I come here cause I like reading your takes. You give very grounded opinions and debunk many biased assumptions I have of jikook, showing me different perspectives I couldn't see in my little bubble.

Moving on, I wanted to ask you: what really sold you on taekook, that made you go "they're dating"?

One thing I see as suspicious is the weird tension they have with each other, I don't see any other members having that same tension.

I think it's this very tension they have that makes Taekookers believe that taekook prioritize hiding their relationship to protect themselves, and Jikookers believe that taekook really did grow distant and got closer after In the soop.

Taekookers: tension = sexual tension and hiding relationship

Jikookers: tension = distance and awkwardness

I understand both of these takes, but I have some different interpretations of it, but ain't nobody reading all that. This shits WAY too long already lol.

Borahae 💜

(the more you look at him the more beautiful he gets, we can't blame Jungkook for getting a little lost in him kkkkk)

Hi @moo-mood!

I’m glad you understand.

As for your question about Tae and Jk, I think your ask really shows how people outside of tkk fandom don’t really understand where we are coming from.

We don’t generally focus much on sexual tension I believe. I’m sure there corners in our fandom that do, but in general sexual tension between Tae and Jk is not that often a point of discussion. There are moments that I feel classify as that, or at least as strong attraction.. but we don’t really get to see much of those. We also don’t expect to, because the last thing we would be privy to see between a closeted couple is obvious sexual tension. They hide that, and I think they hide it well. We see flirting, we see tenderness, and we did get some more loaded moments.. but imo not as much to be able to say Tkkrs generally explain the tension between Tae and Jk as it being sexual.

Sexual tension is only one part that might clue us into wether two people are in a romantic relationship though. What clued me in was how Tae and Jk are just a level up in closeness when compared to the other members. Imo they are closest physically and emotionally. There’s a reason why despite efforts to show Jk and Tae as less close (and yes, imo it’s been efforts) there are still soo many who never believed that. It’s because all throughout the period that Tae and Jk were deemed to be distant, their bodies and their interactions showed us differently. We often get laughed at because of our words on stares, looks, touches.. but those things are actually the hardest for people to consistently fake and to consistently hide. No other duo is as aware of each other as Tae and Jk are. No other duo gets each other as easily as Tae and Jk do… and that is actually something I am quite sure of… regardless of wether that means they are in a romantic relationship.

So it started with me believing Tae and Jk are closest. And what made me believe they are more than friends is basically everything else around them. The way they are the biggest ship, and yet Hybe does not commercialize them. The way they get jealous and/or annoyed because of the other. The way they are at times possessive of the other. The way the other members react to them (wether in a good way or in a way that they’re afraid of discovery). It’s all supported by my belief that individually speaking I feel Tae and Jk are possibly queer.

All in all, when I think of how I feel a closeted idol couple within the same band would be dealt with in SK.. it’s just basically what I see happened with Tae and Jk.

[nothing-ramblings]

i DO think laios is "autism creature" autistic. I think he's actually a great example of that. Most of the time i see the autism creature associated with special interests and hyperfixations and there's no way you could argue that's not a trait he has, it's a major plotnpoint that drives the story forward along with his other motivation. Something I also see a lot is the austism creature being used as an example of cluelessness, because of its expression. How are you gonna point to his social awkwardness, the fact that he's literally completely clueless about making people uncomfortable unless it's explicitly stated to him, and say he doesn't fit that description. I'n not sure what "tumblr" autism is supposed to mean, the person was probably talking about the more palatable traits people discuss more openly, but do you really think people aren't socially awkward in this webbed site?

i saw a rlly good post reacting to someone else's rotten take, unfortunately at the time i was too tired to read the full post and i ended up losing it, so i don't remember what all it said but basically the rotten take was calling laios creepy (in a "funny haha way" to disguise it) due to his traits, and op of the post i saw was explaining how that's fucked up. I think from what I skimmed it was very personal, comparing their own experiences to laios and honestly that might be my favorite thing about him. He doesn't just have the "palatable" traits that people are comfortable seeing. He is clueless, he had no idea someone disliked him, he even thought they were close friends, because that person never let him know when he was crossing a boundary until it was too much. Soon after this almost the opposite happens, where he doesn't believe someone else wants to be his friend, because now he's aware that he can't pick up on social cues, and he also knows he caused this person discomfort before, so why would they want to be his friend? He's "messy" in that he has a lot of traits people like to avoid when talking about autism, because it's stuff neurotypicals don't like.

He's literally that kid who people would be like "oh well if i knew he was autistic i wouldn't have treated him badly" (which is stupid, you should treat people well in general and not be an asshole then apologize because someone is actually neurodivergent or mentally ill). And guess what? He has friends who love him. They know he's awkward and clueless and has "weird" interests and they still love him. He has people who will stand up for him even after coming to the conclusion that he's "a little creepy" because they know he's a good person, and they like his honesty. Someone explicitly admits they envy his ability to be so openly himself, even after that same person tried to frame that trait as a bad thing, because they realized what they hated wasn't laios honesty but the fact that laios is able to act that way, while most people feel trapped by social rules and don't have that same freedom to be themselves. Laios can be himself not because society accepts him, in fact the first assumption when the elves learn he likes monsters is that he must be prone to evil. Because that's weird and creepy. Society does not accept him. His friends do. His sister does, she loves him and looks up to him as an adult as much as she did as a child. He has a support system. He is loved. Even people who don't necssarily love him know he could never become evil, even if they also think his special interest is a bit creepy. Because they know laios, actually know him, and they know that in his awkwardness he's still a kind person. He misses a lot of social cues, sometimes he says things that are tone deaf without realizing at all, and his friends know he means no harm. He just struggles with these things.

I think laios is a very good example of how nobody is unlovable, regardless of how awkward or clueless you might be, even if your special interest is something perceived as creepy. To me Laios is a reminder for anyone who needs to hear it that you are deserving of love too. Maybe you just beed to find a better support system, and that might take a while, but there's people who will love you the way you are, and accept you the way you are

[a-twistedheartslonging]

(I haven’t read through the whole tag)

(It’s long sorry)

So for the nonhuman au I was imagining maybe a few hundred to few thousand human lineage individuals in each country (that has high numbers of population)

But lineage doesn’t mean full pure human like the prefect so out of those only a few can be considered ‘just human’

Most with that claim just tend to be ‘less’ beastly or have an easier time ignoring instincts or don’t need to do some things, it’s just that having human blood is very convenient by societal and some cultural standards.

Maybe these advantages tend to lend to some famous or influential figures being known for having human blood with some being ‘fully’ human.

Despite physical limitations of humans the lack of certain instincts, good reproductive ability, adaptability and being able to crossbreed fairly well give them a default higher social status.

So having human-adjacent individuals who may not experience heat/rut, hibernation, brumation, shedding, etc to the same level or at all is useful and would be wanted in most fields they enter.

So having a human who has no past ancestry of nonhuman individuals is pretty rare and limited to hoity toity holier than thou families “I can trace my lineage back ten generations!” Kind of people who pretty much don’t work under others.

So the Prefect is still a rarity but there are other humans they can interact with.

And with the whole “I am a PURE human!” Bs that those families can do we can add in a little scenario where Crowley gets bribed into letting these people in only to find out that they’re here to demand for us to marry them.

Cue the entirety of NRC going ballistic.

Bonus points if one of them go to RSA or are an alumni to cause our boys to go even crazier.

Pff there's a lot of random shit in there so I don't blame you for not going too far in the tags. No need to be sorry for sending long stuff ether, I love reading what people send.

Anyway-

Wow this is actually really interesting and gives me something to think about. It would make sense for there to be some benefits to the mix breeding, but I didn't even think about that.

It really sucks how easy it would be to bribe Crowley and now I'm thinking about a beasty twst boy getting growly around other humans since he thinks they'll try taking his mate.

[serial-serializednovelreader]

Nova's Notes - North and South - Chapter 3

Last time we saw our heroine Margaret, she had just received word that Henry Lennox had come to call on her. Let's see how it goes!

So, she is excited to see Henry, as she has just been thinking about him and his promise. Margaret is a little surprised though, since he's supposed to be off with Edith and his brother on their honeymoon.

*record scratch* Hold up, he was accompanying them on their honeymoon??? I know right! And not just him, but his uncle as well? What kind of monster is he?

Well, five seconds ago, I would've agreed with you, but I was able to find this article that points to this being a fairly common practice in order to ease the woman into the marriage (not exactly an academic source, but the first one I found). So, he's not intruding or third-wheeling, but instead helping grow the marriage. What a nice guy, right? Well...avid readers of this will know I'm not Henry's biggest fan, and in the first few sentences he -- again -- says something that raises my hackles a bit.

“'Oh!' said he, more lightly, 'our young couple were playing such foolish pranks, running all sorts of risks, climbing this mountain, sailing on that lake, that I really thought they needed a Mentor to take care of them. And indeed they did: they were quite beyond my uncle’s management, and kept the old gentleman in a panic for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four. Indeed, when I once saw how unfit they were to be trusted alone, I thought it my duty not to leave them till I had seen them safely embarked at Plymouth.'”

Oh no, our couple has done the horrible problem of -- *checks notes* -- having fun on their honeymoon...? If their version of a "prank" is ditching their relatives to get some alone time -- uh, yeah, I would too!!! I mean, I guess I can see where he's coming from on some of these points if they truly are taking dangerous risks, but it honestly sounds like they're trying to sneak in some alone time here and doing fun couple activities together. It's not good that the uncle is panicking, but his brother is in the army. Surely he's prepared for things like mountain climbing and saying they're "unfit to be alone" is quite ridiculous. If he's worried about them doing...other kinds of activities while alone...I hate to tell him, but they're already married so that ship has sailed (literally). If he's truly worried about "danger," how is he -- a lawyer -- more prepared to face it than his brother who's in the army? (Not that lawyers can't face danger, considering Jonathan from Dracula is a lawyer and he just climbed a castle wall not too long ago, but that's a different book/genre lol). Also presenting himself as a "Mentor" (capital M) is HILARIOUS to me considering a) he's younger than at least one of them and b) mentor to what? Being married??? Henry???? He probably means climbing or sailing, but my version is funnier -- just saying.

I guess he might also be kidding about some of this, which is something I should have considered but didn't because I don't pick up well on social cues (I'm like Margaret in that way: we'll get there :D). So if he is kidding, sorry about that, but if I'm to take what he's saying at face value here, he just sounds like a nuisance to the couple. He says he's now "relieved of many responsibilities" but it just sounds like he put those responsibilities on himself.

He then gives her a note from Edith and she doesn't want to read it in front of him because she "half wish[ed] to read it alone and unwatched". I find this interesting that she has to make up an excuse to get away from him here, just to do so! Is it because Margaret doesn't feel comfortable reading letters in front of people in general, or because Henry specifically causes the discomfort? Gaskell doesn't elaborate, but I'll keep an eye out for if she feels comfortable enough to read a letter in front of anyone else in a future chapter, because either could be valid.

Henry begins to look around the room in "his scrutinizing way" and notices how "poor" the place looks, even when the light is hitting it, which should make it looks its best. Then he says this (with a sigh):

"'The living is evidently as small as she said. It seems strange, for the Beresfords belong to a good family.'”

Oh, no! You've just activated a red flag!!! This whole reply is a red flag, but I want to highlight the main problem area (in my opinion) -- the "as she said". What's the problem with this?

To me, this indicates he didn't listen to her when she told him how small her living was the first time around. He assumed she was downplaying it and would come back to find something more like Harley Street. I suppose that was the fashion back then -- to act of more humble means than you were -- but here's the thing: Margaret isn't like that. She says thing as they are and if he knew her as well as he thinks, he would've taken her words at face value. I know that just from three chapters of reading about her!! If he doesn't believe this one thing she says now, how is that going to work later if they foster a relationship (again, we're getting there)? I also just don't like that Henry is pulling a surprised Pikachu face here!!! And while I know good family = wealthy in this time period, still not a great thing to say. Like, hmm her family is poor that's weird :/. He's acting like he didn't get what he wanted for Christmas or something. Definitely not the reaction I would want from a potential partner.

Margaret, meanwhile, is dealing with a problemTM. Namely, her mother. Apparently she gets into moods where everything is an Issue and Henry is considered an Issue -- so, she refuses to see him. This is a dilemma, because Margaret had told Henry that her mamma would LOVE to meet him and will meet with him shortly. I may not know much about etiquette, but I know this is a snub if she refuses to meet with him now. Plus, her dad can't help because he was already in a bad mood (seems like something we'll unravel later) and Mrs. Hale made it worse by commenting *once again* on moving, which caused him to ask her to please stop speaking against the place. So yeah, this isn't going well!

Margaret "listen[s] patiently", but she has to figure things out somehow, so she pulls a problem-solving move. She proposes that after a quick meetup with Henry and her mom (as for it not to look weird), she and Henry can go out sketching, which will mean less interaction for her mother to worry about. Then, even though they only have cold meat for lunch, they can still make that work for the meal, since light food was usually expected at the midday meal (from what I could find -- correct me if I'm wrong) and Henry will expect it that way. That's when Mr. Hale will join them, having had enough time between 10:30 and 2:00 to compose himself.

I love seeing this side of her! We've already seen glimpses, but I think it's the first time we've truly seen her go into what I would call a "problem-solving mode". I would definitely add that to her list of qualities!

"He evidently expected to be asked to spend the day, and accepted the invitation with a glad readiness that made Mrs. Hale wish she could add something to the cold beef. He was pleased with everything; delighted with Margaret’s idea of going out sketching together; would not have Mr. Hale disturbed for the world, with the prospect of so soon meeting him at dinner."

I wonder if it's apparent to everyone involved Henry wants to be asked to stay the whole day, or if it's just Mrs. Hale? It makes sense that he wants to since he said he would be checking up on what Margaret does all day. I don't know much about calling hours or social etiquette in the Victorian era, but from what I could find, he's making a "morning call". Usually a man in this situation should leave after 20 minutes. However, he's family, so I believe this allots for staying a few hours, including dinner (again, correct me if I'm wrong -- I tried to find sources for this, but there wasn't much available for a morning call from family). Does it seem interesting how eager it is how "pleased" he is by everything just after he thought about how poor the family is? Yep! But we don't have time to unpack all of that just yet.

"'Now, please, just stop here for a minute or two,' said Margaret. 'These are the cottages that haunted me so during the rainy fortnight, reproaching me for not having sketched them.' 'Before they tumbled down and were no more seen. Truly, if they are to be sketched—and they are very picturesque—we had better not put it off till next year. But where shall we sit?' 'Oh! You might have come straight from chambers in the Temple, instead of having been two months in the Highlands! Look at this beautiful trunk of a tree, which the woodcutters have left just in the right place for the light. I will put my plaid over it, and it will be a regular forest throne.' 'With your feet in that puddle for a regal footstool! Stay, I will move, and then you can come nearer this way. Who lives in these cottages?'”

I feel like this conversation parallels their awkward interaction from chapter one, though now the shoe is on the other foot. And by "shoe", I mean the whole "shutting down the conversation" thing. To be fair, this is probably Henry joking and being lighthearted, but again -- I'm having trouble reading it that way. She's trying to sketch two cottages that she thinks are pretty, but he's kind of mocking them for how decrepit they look. Fair, I guess, but the fact that she chooses to mock him by saying he's "come staight from chambers in the Temple" (which I believe is a reference to the Temple in Jerusalem and to me, signals she's mocking his loftiness) says she's not entirely happy with this either. Plus, yeah, he just spent time in the Highlands, shouldn't he be used to forest by now? And when she wants to make a "throne" out of a tree stump, he comments on the puddle on the ground. Chivalrous to ask her to get out of the way, but he's not playing along with her game of pretend like he seemed to want her to in chapter 1. I wonder what's up with that? Or maybe I'm reading this all wrong and they're both enjoying this banter -- I don't know, it's really hard for me to tell!! Keep in mind, I'm biased and don't really like Henry, so everything he says annoys me. It's a problem I'll try to work on 😂😂

She goes to talk to one of the men at the cottages, and Henry quickly takes his opportunity to add her to his sketch. Afterwards, she notices and comments on it. He replies:

“'It was irresistible. You can’t know how strong a temptation it was. I hardly dare tell you how much I shall like this sketch.' He was not quite sure whether she heard this latter sentence before she went to the brook to wash her palette. She came back rather flushed, but looking perfectly innocent and unconscious. He was glad of it, for the speech had slipped from him unawares—a rare thing in the case of a man who premeditated his actions so much as Henry Lennox."

I will admit, this is rather cute: him taking the opportunity to sketch her and then saying something without thought! It's a sweet moment and I think I would like the two of them together if they had more moments like this.

When they return back, both Mr. and Mrs. Hale are in much better spirits. Margaret sees her father and while she stresses that he's put aside his worries (they're not taken care of), she can't hide her pride at seeing him because he's always able to impress other people! What a sweetheart, love her for that.

Mr. Hale sees their sketches and when Mr. Hale sees the one Henry drew, Henry comments this:

“'I should say that a likeness you very much wish to take you would always succeed in,' said Mr. Lennox. 'I have great faith in the power of will. I think myself I have succeeded pretty well in yours.'”

I may not read social cues well, but this one I do get: I like you and want to draw you well. However, I know that because I've picked up on it after seeing Henry's inner thoughts. I'm not so surprised she doesn't get it because, as we'll see later in the chapter, she doesn't see him that way. So this compliment -- while nice -- wouldn't mean to her what he's trying to communicate. Why is this important for me to emphasize? Well, listen to what this guy says next:

“"A regular London girl would understand the implied meaning of that speech,' thought Mr. Lennox. 'She would be up to looking through every speech that a young man made her for the arrière-pensée of a compliment. But I don’t believe Margaret,'"

Lol, lmao even. HENRY, buddy, we've been over this -- you should know her better than this by now. I'm not trying to pull a "she's not like other girls" thing, but you started it. She doesn't have the same communication style as the "regular London girl[s]" you're thinking of! If you want to communicate something, you're going to have to be more blunt.

Also, if we continue with my thread of Margaret being neurodivergent-coded (and Henry being neurotypical-coded), this comment is something a lot of NTs often get frustrated by: that NDs don't pick up on the nuances of their interactions. This comment right here really cements this dynamic for me.

To me, it’s understandable she wouldn't pick up on this being flirting because it's subtle to begin with and ND people often have trouble picking up on social cues like this. I do find it interesting how he also expects her to be picking apart his speeches for compliments. Also "arrière-pensée" means "a concealed thought" or "ulterior motive", by the way!

Quick note: the quote is cut off deliberately like that for a reason, he doesn't finish his thought.

Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your view), he decides to try a different tactic. She has been gathering roses to "adorn her morning gown for dinner" and he takes this opportunity to help her with some she can't reach (relatable!) and puts a couple in his button-hole. While this isn't exactly a declaration of love, I do think this is another sweet moment. This could almost be a better show of affection than words for some.

Dinner is a very nice affair, with everyone talking very agreeably, enough so to make Henry forget his feeling of "disappointment" of Margaret's living being so small. Like she had told him. Ugh.

However, there comes a bit of a hitch when dessert comes around. Mr. Hale becomes fixated on the idea of dessert -- which must be pears from the garden. However, they already have dessert served behind him: biscuits with marmalade. Mrs. Hale worries that this pear idea will make their life seem "impromptu" and dessert "unusual" (which will not shine a good light on their living situation, I imagine).

Henry actually steps up with a solution this time: they should eat pears in the garden in order to give them the full experience. Though Mrs. Hale doesn't quite like this idea (she wants to end dinner the ceremonious way), Mr. Hale doesn't give her time to argue: he simply gets up. This shows me that Mr. Hale is probably still not in the best of moods, and likely put out with her as well for what she said in the morning. Either that, or he's so absorbed by his own worries that he isn't thinking of hers. Eep, not good.

So Mr. Hale, Henry and Margaret go out into the garden to enjoy some pears. While Mr. Hale grabs the ripest pear (to get over his anxieties -- relatable), Henry makes eyes at Margaret 👁️👁️. He then takes her to stroll while Mr. Hale sits on the garden bench. Oh no! What can this mean? Well, for Margaret, she just thinks this is a friendly chat. Hmm....

He immediately starts by idealizing her country life and scorning his "city life" (comparing himself to a Cockney), ending with insinuating he would want to live here as his "reward" for all of his hard lawyer work.

She replies by shutting down the fantasy (lol), that the beauty he sees isn't always there and besides, didn't he mock her village before and call it out of a tale? Once she makes it clear she saw it as disrespectful, he "warmly" states he'll never do it again.

I do like that she's comfortable enough with him to feel able to tell him she felt disrespected by his words: that's a good sign, at least. And while he doesn't exactly apologize, he does back down once he realizes this was genuinely negative to her. Gotta take our wins where we can!

""I could almost wish, Margaret——' he stopped and hesitated. It was so unusual for the fluent lawyer to hesitate that Margaret looked up at him, in a little state of questioning wonder; but in an instant—from what about him she could not tell—she wished herself back with her mother—her father—anywhere away from him, for she was sure he was going to say something to which she should not know what to reply. In another moment the strong pride that was in her came to conquer her sudden agitation, which she hoped he had not perceived. Of course she could answer, and answer the right thing; and it was poor and despicable of her to shrink from hearing any speech, as if she had not power to put an end to it with her high maidenly dignity."

I love this passage for so many reasons. For one thing, it has that relatable feeling one gets when you have that one guy friend who hits you with the "I have to tell you something..." and even when you don't know what they're going to say, you also know what's happening...

But I love that she has that scared moment and then she's like -- wait a minute? This is me -- Margaret Hale -- we're talking about and I will say what I want and it will be right because I make it so. I will not shrink from any speech coming my way and if I have to, will put an end to it with my high 👏 maidenly 👏 dignity 👏 . What an ABSOLUTE QUEEN FOR THAT!!!!! I aspire to be like her; why wasn't I told what an absolute girl boss of a role model this fictional character was? And I don't just mean like before I read this (I was given some notice), I mean like why isn't she given more love in pop culture just for this passage alone? (I could speculate why, but I don't want to get sad about that lol). If I didn't already love her, this right here would've made me love her. This passage is definitely something I will be remembering when I feel anxious about difficult conversations! Just, WOW, chef's kiss.

Forgive me, it's going to be a lot of passages from here on out, but I really want to analyze the exact wording here.

"'Margaret,' said he, taking her by surprise, and getting sudden possession of her hand, so that she was forced to stand still and listen, despising herself for the fluttering at her heart all the time; 'Margaret, I wish you did not like Helstone so much—did not seem so perfectly calm and happy here. I have been hoping for these three months past to find you regretting London—and London friends, a little—enough to make you listen more kindly' (for she was quietly, but firmly, striving to extricate her hand from his grasp) 'to one who has not much to offer, it is true—nothing but prospects in the future—but who does love you, Margaret, almost in spite of himself. Margaret, have I startled you too much? Speak!' For he saw her lips quivering almost as if she were going to cry."

Okaaaaaay, that escalated VERY quickly -- Margaret didn't even get time to put a stop to it!!! I can't blame her, he's not giving her the chance to speak. So, the fact that he grabs her hand so she's "forced to stand still and listen"? Yikes. Her heart is "fluttering" and she hates herself for it? Also yikes because I doubt it's fluttering from liking him. I could be wrong, but I'm like 99.9% sure her heart is like that out of nerves.

Not to mention his speech: Henry starts off by being upset she likes Helstone and seems happy there -- you know, the place where her parents are??? Her hometown???? The place he just yapped on and on about being the best place ever and seemed like a reward to him? What happened to that? Swift 180 turn to me. Oh, and let's not forget he doesn't like seeing her calm and happy -- uhhhh...ok?

Now I know what he's trying to say here: he doesn't like seeing her happy here in Helstone because he wants her to be so miserable that she'll want to come back to London (and be with him). If she's miserable, it'll show she cares for him. Here's the problems I have with that logic:

Who's to say she doesn't miss her friends and she's just hiding it? Some people are better at hiding their grief than others.

Margaret is a very "live in the present" type of person; it's not that she doesn't miss Harley Street, but tends to just kind of live in the moment. Him not realizing that -- or wanting her to be miserable despite knowing that -- shows that he probably doesn't know her or care for her as much as he says he does a couple of sentences later.

She hasn't lived with her parents for years and spent most of her childhood without them being a large part of her life (I'm assuming from the limited text we have). Why doesn't she have the right to be calm and happy while living with them? It's pretty understandable she would be more happy with them because if anything *they're* the ones she was probably "more miserable" without. I'm sure she was fine at Harley Street, but she really seems to love her parents and her first night at Harley Street as a child seemed difficult: I'm not surprised she's happy at Helstone! This guy has some audacity to be like "aren't you miserable without me though 🥺" when like -- SHE'S VISITING HER PARENTS???!!?!?! It's been three months, calm down dude.

Let's imagine a world where Henry's completely right (a world I'm glad we don't live in, personally) and she's totally miserable because -- oh, Henry's not at Helstone 🥺💔. Even so, when you visit your friends/crush/whatever that you've missed and you haven't seen for a while, do you act miserable and talk constantly about how much you miss them? I mean, I don't! I usually try to keep up appearances if I am sad, but I actually almost always brighten up around the person I'm with because they make my day better. I get excited and in my element; to the outside person, you'd never know I'd be totally upset when they left because that's how happy I am! Of course, I'd say I miss them or whatever, but I wouldn't make a scene like he seems to want her to.

Going off of that, if you truly cared for someone, wouldn't you want them to be happy? Like he tells her he loves her but starts off his whole speech before he gets to that point with "I wish you were less happy and more miserable because that means you'd miss me and give me a chance" and that's...I don't even know what to say to that. I didn't think you could get worse than Mr. Collins or Mr. Darcy's failed proposals, but I think that beats it. In Mr. Collins's case, at least he starts off with compliments (though they're backhanded and he doesn't really mean them, lol) and at least with Mr. Darcy, he starts off with "I love you" and lists the reasons before he starts insulting her family!!! I guess it's a "pick your poison" thing, but seriously, what a way to start off a love confession speech/proposal.

Then -- and this is what really gets me here -- he notices her trying to get him to release her arm: another sign she's not enjoying this. Now, she's doing this in a quiet but firm way, not wanting to make a scene -- but not backing down, either. Instead of doing the decent person thing and letting her hand go, he keeps his grip and tells her to listen more "kindly". He takes this as yet another sign she didn't "miss him enough" and WOW. Um...I don't have much to say to this; I think it speaks for itself. I will say, everytime I read it I'm filled with an immeasurable amount of rage, if that tells you anything.

He also ends his very touching and heartfelt speech (/s) with saying that he loves her "almost in spite of himself". Aaaaand we're back to Mr. Darcy with his whole "yeah your family is below me and an insult to the human race and I actually wish I could stop thinking about you but in spite of all of that I love you whoops". I think he means this in more of a "I'm not a feelings person, so for me to be in love with you is a big deal" (we'll get to that speech of his soon), but it still comes across wrong to me. If you're going to say that, please clarify what you mean!!!

And THEN -- as if that's not bad enough -- he sees her lips quivering as if she's going to cry and after asking if she's startled (not the emotion I'd be asking after, but ok), he commands her to speak. As someone who gets overwhelmed easily, I would actually hate someone doing that to me!

And if we continue the thread of Margaret being ND, what if she's not able to speak because she's too overstimulated from whatever the heck that just was? I know she just hyped herself up -- and that's amazing, don't get me wrong -- but it could very well be difficult for her to communicate using spoken language and the fact that he wants her to speak right now is a bit reminiscent of how NTs will often force NDs to "act neurotypical" in difficult situations (e.g. "make eye contact, speak on this" etc.) and it's heartbreaking to read using this lens.

Even if we don't read it in that vein, who sees someone about to cry and goes "Speak!"? Get a grip, man.

"She made a strong effort to be calm; she would not speak till she had succeeded in mastering her voice, and then she said: 'I was startled. I did not know that you cared for me in that way. I have always thought of you as a friend; and, please, I would rather go on thinking of you so. I don’t like to be spoken to as you have been doing. I cannot answer you as you want me to do, and yet I should feel so sorry if I vexed you.'”

I feel for her here: I’m glad she takes a moment to be calm, but I imagine it must cost a lot of emotional effort to do so. If I were in her shoes, I don’t even know if I could manage it!

Also, her speech itself is a masteclass in kind — but firm — rejection, in my opinion. Notice how she answers his last question first: that yes, she was startled. That is easiest to answer, so she focuses on it. Then, she expounds on it by letting him know she wasn’t aware of his deep feelings, which caused her to be startled.

That’s when the boundary-setting starts! She sets two of them: in order to “keep thinking of him as a friend”, he will need to discontinue his advances and then she states she doesn’t like the way he has been speaking to her — aka, all of the ways he just offended her in that last paragraph? Stop it immediately.

She ends it by affirming that she cannot give him the answers he desires, but does not want to “vex” him. Just to be sure I was reading her meaning correctly, I looked up the meaning of vexed:

“to bring trouble, distress, or agitation to”

So, she’s worried about troubling him. Yes, distress is in there too, but I think it’s interesting she uses that word to describe how he will take her not returning his feelings. Historically, women do have to worry about how men will react to them not returning feelings -- sometimes to an extreme degree -- and it can feel as if it’s more of a case of them being troubled/agitated rather than distressed. I can’t speak for everyone of course, but it sucks that women have to feel so responsible for men’s happiness to the point of saying “sorry for the trouble” if the feelings aren’t returned! (And yes, I know this issue can happen regardless of gender, but I’m focusing on this dynamic since that’s how it appears here.)

So, how does Henry react? Does he reassure her that he isn’t entitled to her feelings? Asks for space to deal with his own emotions, perhaps? Nope!

“‘Margaret,’ said he, looking into her eyes, which met his with their open, straight look, expressive of the utmost good faith and reluctance to give pain, ‘Do you’—he was going to say—‘love any one else?’ But it seemed as if this question would be an insult to the pure serenity of those eyes. ‘Forgive me! I have been too abrupt. I am punished. Only let me hope. Give me the poor comfort of telling me you have never seen any one whom you could——‘ Again a pause. He could not end his sentence. Margaret reproached herself acutely as the cause of his distress.’”

It’s interesting to me that Henry decides not to ask if she loves anyone else because he doesn’t want to insult “pure serenity” of her eyes. Some may call this nice, I call this asking for a punch in the face. It rides a bit too close to the “purity culture” line for me and I don’t like it. It seems as if Henry thinks she has too much good faith to ever be “unfaithful” to him by even entertaining the thought of someone else. Perhaps I’m wrong, but this is how it reads to me.

Then he asks for forgiveness and says he’s been too abrupt (ok, good start) but says he’s punished. Punished how? Punished for what? If you mean she’s punishing you for speaking to her a certain way by not returning feelings — just NO. That’s not what’s happening here!!!! She doesn’t return your feelings because she doesn’t like you, just accept it.

That’s when Henry really drops the hammer of “can you give me hope and return my feelings one day 🥺” which — oh, boy. On one hand, I can feel for him here, but it’s strange to me that he also wants her to promise that she’s never seen anyone that has caught her fancy. It’s a very “if I can’t have you, no one can” mentality. It even causes Margaret to get mad at herself for “causing” him to be so upset — which, again, he is not entitled to her feelings and she is not responsible for his happiness.

“‘Ah! if you had but never got this fancy into your head! It was such a pleasure to think of you as a friend.’

‘But I may hope, may I not, Margaret, that some time you will think of me as a lover? Not yet, I see—there is no hurry—but some time——‘

She was silent for a minute or two, trying to discover the truth as it was in her own heart, before replying, then she said:

‘I have never thought of—you, but as a friend. I like to think of you so; but I am sure I could never think of you as anything else. Pray let us both forget that all this” (“disagreeable,” she was going to say, but stopped short) ‘conversation has taken place.’”

Ok, so I’m going to take Henry’s side for just a second on this — hear me out. I think it’s a little mean for her to call his feelings just a “fancy” as if he thought of it one day and, on a lark, decided to confess his feelings. I don’t think that’s fair of her to say to him. You can’t help your feelings and it’s not entirely fair of her to expect him to keep it bottled up inside. While his confession speech has been pretty abysmal (sorry it’s true), I don’t blame him for having those feelings, just the way they’re expressed.

On the other hand, I’ve been in Margaret's exact same situation and have almost wanted to say the exact same thing! Like “we had such a good thing going and this came out of nowhere; what’s up with that?” I didn’t though, because I realize that’s kind of invalidating to hear. I also think that’s her being blunt and not filtering her thoughts, which is understandable given the heightened emotions (and even more so, if we read it in the lens of her being ND).

Henry insists on the point of her being able to love him romantically sometime in the future, to which she has to think about. I’m glad she actually takes the time to examine her own feelings before answering. She already knows the answer, but it’s good to be sure and honestly give it some thought.

That’s when she drops a hammer of her own: she has only thought of him as a friend, does so now, and is certain she can only do so in the future. She also wants to set this conversation behind them — almost calling it disagreeable in the process. She stops herself short, but I believe she makes a face or something in her demeanor registers it as such, because Henry picks up on it. Again, she’s being blunt, but this time she’s able to catch herself and spare his feelings a little.

“He paused before he replied. Then, in his habitual coldness of tone, he answered:

‘Of course, as your feelings are so decided, and as this conversation has been so evidently unpleasant to you, it had better not be remembered. That is all very fine in theory, that plan of forgetting whatever is painful, but it will be somewhat difficult for me, at least, to carry it into execution.’”

It’s telling that he becomes cold once he realizes she’s serious about staying friends forever. It’s sad that this 180 degree turn from Henry is still so relatable in today’s age! He does agree to her wishes, albeit reluctantly due to it being difficult for him. This I can understand; once you confess your feelings for someone and are subsequently rejected, it's a bit hard to just "forget" the entire conversation and go back to normal. Unfortunately, that's the consequence you have to face if you're going to confess to your friend like that; I think he was just so confident she'd return his feelings, he assumed this wouldn't happen.

“'You are vexed,' said she, sadly; “yet how can I help it?' She looked so truly grieved as she said this, that he struggled for a moment with his real disappointment, and then answered more cheerfully, but still with a little hardness in his tone: 'You should make allowances for the mortification, not only of a lover, Margaret, but of a man not given to romance in general—prudent, worldly, as some people call me—who has been carried out of his usual habits by the force of a passion—well, we will say no more of that; but in the one outlet which he has formed for the deeper and better feelings of his nature, he meets with rejection and repulse. I shall have to console myself with scorning my own folly. A struggling barrister to think of matrimony!'”

Her grief does cause him to realize that he needs to stop making her feel bad about this -- or, at least, broadcast a facade of good cheer -- if they're going to have any hope of keeping the friendship. After all, they're still in Helstone's garden with Margaret's dad not too far off!!!

However, he's not able to cover up his "disappointment" entirely and it shows as "hardness in his tone". He doesn't apologize for giving her grief, but instead asks her to make "allowances" for him. I don't like this for a lot of reasons (why does she have to make allowances for you when you don't seem to give the same respect back?), but what's even worse is that he says one of those allowances should be "for the mortification...of a lover..." UM??? If I’m reading this right, he wants her to allow for him feeling like he was her lover and now having to deal with her rejection of romance. Henry, let me break it down for you: you were never her lover -- ever. If you felt like her lover, that is your issue, not hers, to deal with. The fact that you're admitting that aloud is appalling and the fact you want her to allow for that problem is even worse. It’s almost like he kept up a pretense of friendship and all the while imagining they were lovers. That’s so weird!!! And again, remains relatable (unfortunately).

The other allowance, which I mentioned earlier, is that he’s not a big “feelings” person and since he got carried away by his passions, she should understand why he feels crushed that the one time he’s swept off his feet by romance, the feelings are not returned. I hate to tell you, Henry, but just because you’re more “worldly” than the rest of us doesn’t mean you’re going to get a girlfriend faster: just a pro tip!

Both of these allowances are quite silly, in my opinion. Yeah, so you have a crush for the first time and you thought of her as your girlfriend and the feelings weren’t mutual. What is she supposed to do, give you a cookie? I’m being facetious, of course, I know what he’s actually hoping is for her to change her mind and be like “I had no idea I was your first crush 🥺 wow, since I’m so special to you, of course I’ll court you!!! 😍❤️” which — ugh. I want to say he doesn’t understand how women work, but I’m hard-pressed to see how this would work on anyone!! Maybe in his head it would work on one of those “regular London girls” (which I’m beginning to think is just a made up notion in his head of women anyway), but I’ve said that Margaret is not one of those women (if they do exist) and never will be. The fact that he thinks he can make her be one or she will become one in time is concerning: what would he be like if they did court? Would she be expected to change for him? Or even if he does like her as is, would she be expected to “act differently” in front of his friends and other relatives? Again, reading this in a NT/ND lens really adds another layer of meaning to how this would affect Margaret’s mental health in the long term.

He ends this by saying he’ll have to “console himself by scorning his own folly” and scoffing at the idea of a struggling man in his job thinking of marriage. First of all, she has literally said nothing about your profession — you brought that up briefly before in your confession (I didn’t mention it because I didn’t have anything to say on it) — but she never said “I’m not going to court you because you’re a lawyer struggling to make ends meet”. Of course, you’re going to think that because it’s easier to think of her as shallow (only after men for their current money) and the “problem” as something you can fix (he can fix a money issue, can’t fix her thoughts of him being a friend), but really: how in denial can you be?

Secondly, this is the first time he’s brought up marriage. Of course, in the Victorian age that’s where courtships were supposed to lead, but still. It’s interesting that he waited until now to drop that last bit in; it almost seems like a last-ditch lament to be like “woe is me! How could I think anyone would ever marry me 🥺💔” which would pull at the heartstrings. Of course, I’m likely reading too much into this because I’m reading it in the tone of him doing anything to try to get her to court/marry him, even using manipulation and guilt tactics to do so. Is it likely he’s just upset and saying whatever comes to mind? Sure. But some people will do anything to get their way and so far he hasn’t shown himself to be very graceful in dealing with rejection.

“Margaret could not answer this. The whole tone of it annoyed her. It seemed to touch on and call out all the points of difference which had often repelled her in him; while yet he was the pleasantest man, the most sympathising friend, the person of all others who understood her best in Harley Street. She felt a tinge of contempt mingle itself with her pain at having refused him. Her beautiful lip curled in a slight disdain.”

I suppose I’m not the only one getting bad vibes from this last speech. Margaret sees the worst parts of him — the little things that had always bothered her about him — and while she still feels bad about hurting him, she can’t help but visibly show “disdain” for the way he’s talking to her now.

Suddenly, they come upon Mr. Hale and Margaret feels as if she's had an out-of-body experience, comparing it to an Eastern tale of a king who went through an experience of a lifetime just by dipping his head in a magical basin of water. In other words, she is not the same as she was when she last saw her father!

Of course, due to the amount of emotions with everything that has just taken place, she is quite unable to speak and lets Henry and her father do most of the talking. Henry notices her quiet and morose look and:

“"I am not so indifferent to her as she believes,' thought he to himself. 'I do not give up hope."”

Oh...oh no. Henry, literally just accept the no. She told you no -- JUST ACCEPT THE -- ok, I need to calm down. This man is fictional. The problem is there are men -- nay, people -- who think like this. Who will hear a "no" and then see the person's face and have such a cognitive dissonance IN THEIR BRAIN that they're like "nah, they actually totally want me, THEY just can't see the truth yet." As if they know better.

It's really hilarious Henry thinks he knows Margaret's thoughts and feelings better than *she* does considering he doesn't even know how to talk to her without her shutting him down because he accidentally disrespected her small town (rhyme not intended but a pleasant surprise). How does he think a relationship with a foundation like that? I realize they are good friends and get along in other ways, but it is sooooo telling to me that the *second* he flirts, she either becomes uncomfortable or straight up doesn't get it (or pretends not to, depending on how you read it). How could they be married like that??

So yeah, unfortunately, Margaret is not even allowed to look sad without Henry jumping on the chance that she'll want him someday. I'm almost 100% sure this would've happened regardless of the facial expression she had. Happy (from trying to keep up a cheerful facade)? "Oh, she's actually super happy I confessed my feelings and will love me soon, just watch." Mad? "She's actually mad at herself for refusing me." Confused? "She doesn't know what she wants, she'll choose me eventually." That's just the kind of person we're dealing with here.

"Before a quarter of an hour was over, he had fallen into a way of conversing with quiet sarcasm; speaking of life in London and life in the country, as if he were conscious of his second mocking self, and afraid of his own satire."

Ok, so this passage is really hard to decipher for me and I might need some help figuring ot out! From what I'm able to gather, he's mainly mocking both the country and London, but maybe in also a self-depricating way as well (this is the main part I'm stuck on)? What I do understand is why he's doing this; Henry is a man who's default is to mock and be sarcastic. It's his coping mechanism for when things get too "real". We haven't seen him be as such yet because he hasn't needed to be around Margaret. However, now that he's been thrown off by her rejection, his way of dealing with it is to slip back into empty sarcasm.

Mr. Hale notices this change and is quite put off by it, even being relieved when he has to leave. He notes the change from the "lighter, clever, more worldly man" he saw earlier and at the wedding breakfast. It's interesting how a lot of people tend to use sarcasm to seem more clever and worldy, but Gaskell sees through this and contrasts them as opposites in this chapter! What a callout! She's so real for that.

At the last moment, Henry Lennox’s real self broke through the crust. “Margaret, don’t despise me; I have a heart, notwithstanding all this good-for-nothing way of talking. As a proof of it, I believe I love you more than ever—if I do not hate you—for the disdain with which you have listened to me during this last half-hour. Good-bye, Margaret—Margaret!”

First of all, describing the weird sarcasm thing he was doing as a "crust" is funny and interesting to me -- I didn't know that could mean "harsh" or "surly": the more you know! Secondly, love that he calls out his own coping mechanism while still having done it -- progress, I guess? And third -- best of all -- Henry, my guy, my dude, why on earth would you tell her you love her while also saying you might hate her because she hasn't been happy with you for the past 30 minutes???? I am truly baffled. Has this man ever wooed a woman in his life? For the sake of the female population, I truly hope not because if THIS is how he does it -- YIKES!!!! Luckily, he probably hasn't considering his whole "i'M a lAwYeR wHo dOeSnT hAvE bIg rOmAnCe fEeLiNgS" speech.

And that's the way the chapter ends, so I'll end with a couple of points I want to make clear.

I know I've been super hard on Henry and -- to be fair -- I think he's deserved some of it. But I don't think he's a bad person. So far, Gaskell has written all of her characters with a complexity and depth that shows you're supposed to root for these characters (more or less), while also understanding their flaws. There were times I pointed out when Margaret wasn't at her best either; while she isn't entitled to return Henry's feelings, she was sort of trivializing them and I wouldn't like that either. I think the problem with Henry is that he's used to getting what he wants and when he doesn't get it, he gets upset and lashes out the way he did with Margaret. I do honestly think he needs to work on himself and not think of romance right now because it sounds like he has deeper problems going on; if Margaret's rejection causes him to act like this, it's not just her rejection that's bothering him. I noticed that he talked about how he's currently struggling in his job and I think that can also account for him getting upset -- perhaps he had hoped for this to be a "good thing" to focus on instead of his work that isn't going well. I'm glad Margaret didn't return his feelings in that case because having one person the sole source of your happiness is never healthy and running away from your problems won't fix them! So yes, while I'm hard on him I do still think he has good moments and can be better: we're just seeing him at his worst. Still, that doesn't excuse his behavior, just explains it.

I also want to clarify for those who think I'm being too harsh on Henry and am doing so because I "don't understand what it's like to be rejected romantically". As a quick personal aside: I've been on his side of a romantic confession and was also rejected by someone who was my friend. And it hurt -- badly. Especially because there were many "signs" I read too much into as romantic (flirting, holding hands, etc.) so said rejection was not what I saw coming, much like Henry. However, when I realized that this person only saw me as a friend and wanted to keep it that way, I immediately told them "ok, I understand" and then took some time to myself to sort through my feelings. These were mainly embarrasment, shame, sorrow, and anger -- not at the person, but at myself for potentially ruining the friendship over this.

My main problem with Henry is that he reacts to Margaret's rejection with disappointment, anger, frustration, and hurt. These don't seem like the kind of emotions that come with an unselfish love, I hate to say it. I know there is likely more feelings bubbling beneath the surface, but if he's going to react that way and realizes he's hurting her in the process (which he does), he should ask for space while he sorts himself out. I get that wasn't "the thing" back then so I guess it's a bit harder for me to say "oh, Henry should've just left!" when no, he can't just abruptly leave like that and "oh, Henry should just work on his mental health" when that was very much not talked of. I'm just trying to think of ways he could've better handled this situation; he can't help his feelings, but he can help how he acts on those feelings. And it's not fair to Margaret to continually pressure her into a relationship she so obviously does not want. Additionally, the way he makes his confession/proposal frustrates me too because he mainly makes it about himself and his feelings. He wishes she wasn't happy at Helstone, he loves her, he's not a romantic person so it's a big deal for him. I mean, he doesn't even talk about her good qualities or what he likes about her: even Mr. "and what excellent boiled potatoes" Collins did that!!!!!

As a final note, if you're reading Dracula Daily at the same time as North and South Weekly, you may have noticed a few parallels between this failed proposal and Jack Seward's failed proposal. I want to dive into them and why I respect Seward's more than Lennox's, but I don't want to do it here because this post might be my longest to date and I'd rather make it a separate post anyway!

So yeah, another great chapter, excited to see what happens next week!

[kafus]

pasting a ramble i did on discord of analysis/conjecture/headcanons about liko's home life/upbringing, with strong likodot flavor in the latter half as usual, nearly verbatim because i think i worded it pretty much perfectly the first time while relaying my thoughts to friends... just edited for easier reading slightly

liko doesn’t canonically show attachment issues or abandonment worries really, but i headcanon her with some of that because like. parents busy all the time. not a lot of people in her life and the ones that are, aka mainly her caretakers (she's implied to not really have friends at the start of the show) don’t communicate with her great or are sometimes unavailable for stretches of time.

it makes a lot of sense to me that canonically the brave asagi feels like home so quickly to her. because it’s stable. the same people are always there, she literally lives with them on an airship. but like. they're stable adult figures that aren’t disappearing for periods of time, and friede’s forgetfulness aside (lighthearted), people who communicate with her better. this does wonders for her bdjdjdsk

i also think her selflessness to point of fault could tie in with this, like blaming herself for situations and shrugging off her own feelings (she often doesn’t even notice when she herself is upset/moody on multiple occasions!!) could have been a habit developed from this very thing. she loves her parents and doesn’t want to have to view them as absent or being poor at communication so everything is her fault. she doesn’t want to be pointing blame or to cause problems when people are home or things are good so she dissociates away her own feelings and is very polite and considerate of anything that comes up.

i say all this because i think it’d be an interesting way to spin liko’s character who is already interesting. but also i got to thinking about this manifesting in her relationship with dot down the line. cause like adult figures are one thing but also friends and hell having a girlfriend is kind of different. and dot does actually get busy sometimes because she is still working as gurumin on top of schoolwork (this is headcanons for vaguely what a couple years from now as of HZ053 at the time of writing might look like or something. dot going to more normal schooling similar to how liko has been, on top of still being gurumin)

this starts sparking anxiety in liko but first she shoves it down and acts like it’s fine. and then it starts slipping through the cracks. cue comedy of her being like WHY AM I THINKING CRAZY THINGS LIKE “I WANT TO INTERRUPT GURUMIN VIDEO EDITING TO HANG OUT WHO HAVE I BECOME WHAT SORT OF GURUMIN FAN AM I AHHHH also i don't want to be clingy to dot she likes her independent space...”

still, her response is to be like no it's fine, i have to be fine with this, i'm just acting crazy, dot has literally never done anything to warrant me feeling like this, i am being a bad girlfriend. and dot notices this in her demeanor and is like hey what's wrong? and liko’s like What!

anyway they talk it out and come to some sort of middle ground where of course dot still needs to be alone sometimes either to focus or to just have alone time in general. she’s not gonna let liko derail into a worsening spiral of clinginess. but! she is going to reassure her that it’s fine!

and also cue liko sometimes being able to hang out quietly in her room doing her own thing like lying in dot’s bed on her phone while dot video edits... also way more self indulgent, extremely “this is so not canon but i am a shipper let me live” imagery: dot managing her gurumin socials on her phone in her bed with one hand and liko lying on her bed partially on her lap like a lapcat while dot pets her hair with the other hand. in this essay i will

thanks for coming to my ted talk i've been rotating this in my brain for weeks

[callmebrycelee]

9-1-1 REACTION

After last week’s 100th episode, I am back with a reaction to our latest episode. I do want to acknowledge my last reaction got a bit wordy so it’s my goal to keep things nice and tight. Like Lou Ferrigno Jr.'s body. Okay, focus! Ahem. This reaction is for the season 7, fifth episode “You Don’t Know Me” which originally aired April 11, 2024. The episode was written by Lyndsey Beaulieu and Taylor Wong and directed by Brenna Mallow. Spoilers ahead!

“I’m the boss of me.” – Terry and audience

We begin the episode in a hotel conference room where speaker Terry (played by John Milhiser) is talking to a small audience about the importance of having self-control. He tells his captive audience the secret to self-control is one simple thing; however, before he can reveal that simple thing, his right hand seizes up and starts going all Devon Sawa in Idle Hands on Terry. The audience is aghast as Terry starts beating the shit out of himself. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so horrifying. 

Cue title card.

“Get it off!” – Eddie Diaz, to anyone who will listen

The 118 arrive on the scene and find Terry slapping himself. Hen reminds us that once upon a time she went to med school and suggests Terry is suffering from something called alien hand syndrome. Eddie doesn’t believe such a thing exists but Hen schools him by explaining that it’s a rare neurological condition that causes a person’s limbs to act out, seemingly of their own will. This condition usually indicates urgent brain danger. Bobby tells Buck and Eddie to restrain Terry while Hen and Chimney prepare to administer some lorazepam and lidocaine. Buck and Eddie struggle to restrain the guy which is funny considering they’re both big dudes and this guy doesn’t seem like he would be that strong. Hen asks Terry if he’s recently been treated for epilepsy or blood clots. He tells her no and Chimney asks if he’s been treated for an irregular heartbeat. Terry tells him he had an operation four weeks ago for his AFib. Hen thinks it’s possible his heart has grown a blood clot that went to his brain. Basically, Terry is having a stroke and it’s imperative they get him to the hospital immediately before there’s any brain damage. 

Terry’s hand reaches for Buck’s throat and starts choking him. Bobby manages to pry his hand off Buck’s throat, but it immediately grabs Eddie’s (ahem) privates. Yup, you read that correctly. Terry’s hand gropes Eddie’s package. Eddie is basically S.A.-ed in a room full of people. Bobby pries his hand off, again, and Eddie collapses to the floor. The hand goes for Buck’s throat again and Chimney sneaks in to administer the lidocaine which numbs Terry’s arm and hand. At this point, Buck’s face is beet-red, and his eyes are bulging out. Terry goes to apologize to Buck and Eddie, but neither are very receptive to his apology. 

“How perfect is this little face?” – Karen Wilson, to Maddie Buckley

We head over to the Buckley-Han residence where Maddie and Chimney are giving some of Jee-Yun’s baby clothes to Hen and Karen who are excited about the arrival of a new foster child. Karen gets a call from the social worker asking to meet with them. When they meet with Dierdra (played by Andi Chapman) she tells them the little girl they were planning on fostering is being taken in by her grandmother. What I like most about this scene, it shows how much Hen and Karen have grown since the whole Nia situation back in season 3. They’re disappointed about not being able to foster the little girl, but Hen says that at least the girl gets to stay with her family. 

Dierdra tells them there’s another girl who needs a home but she’s older. Both the girl’s parents are deceased and she’s currently living in a group home which is not an ideal living situation for a 9-year-old. Dierdra tells Hen and Karen that this girl is very special, and she wants her to have a fighting chance at having a good life. She believes her best chance is with Hen and Karen. Hen looks at Karen who gives her a look that indicates her interest in giving this child a home. Hen asks Dierdra when she and Karen will get to meet her. 

“I’m an ally. Every Pride Month, I put a rainbow on my Instagram.” – Evan Buckley, to Tommy Kinard

Meanwhile, Buck and Tommy (played by Lou Ferrigno Jr.) go out on their first date. While Tommy pays their bill, Buck asks him what time the movie starts. Tommy tells him the movie theater has 18 screens so they can pick a movie when they get there. Buck glances around the restaurant, nervously, and Tommy assures him that no one is looking at them. I love that Tommy is one of the only characters in the show who calls him Evan. Tommy reminds him that no one cares that they’re having dinner together. Buck, of course, plays coy, and Tommy tells him he’s a little tense. He tells Buck that he gets it. The two of them are in a pretty macho line of work,. He tells Buck that he’d be surprised by how accepting most people are. 

Buck asks Tommy if he’s always been out at work. Tommy tells him ‘no’ and says that the 118 was a pretty regressive place back when it was under the leadership of Captain Gerrard. Tommy says that back then he was still figuring himself out. When he transferred to Harbor, he stopped lying about who he was. Buck says he’s not lying about who he is and Tommy says he didn’t say Buck was. He was talking about himself. Buck tells Tommy this is his first date with a guy but assures him he’s not weirded out. I cackled when Buck told Tommy he was an ally and that he posts a rainbow on his Instagram during Pride Month. Tommy says that it must be him that makes Buck nervous. 

“Evan, I think you’re adorable.” – Tommy Kinard, to Evan Buckley

Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Eddie and his girlfriend, Marisol (played by Edy Ganem). Eddie greets them both, very loudly, and is excited to see his two friends hanging out. Tommy tells them they just had dinner and are on their way to see a movie. Buck says that afterwards they’re going to go pick up hot chicks because women like firefighters. Eddie, of course, is oblivious and makes a comment about Marisol being a hot chick and finding her firefighter. I don’t know who’s cringier in this scene – Buck or Eddie. Eddie tells Buck and Tommy that Marisol agreed to move in with him and they both tell him congratulations. Marisol makes a comment about moving her armoire into Eddie’s house and he says that you can never have too much closet space. Tommy says, ain’t that the truth – right, Evan? I hollered!!!! Buck looks like he wants to disappear. Eddie and Marisol leave, and Tommy asks if Buck’s ready to go. Buck says yes. Outside, Tommy orders a Lyft just for himself. He tells Buck he’s going to skip the movie. When Buck asks why, Tommy tells him that he doesn’t think Buck is ready. Before he gets in the car, he tells Buck he’ll see him around. I felt so bad for Buck in this scene, but I totally understand where Tommy is coming from.

“Can we go back to the pronoun?” – Maddie Buckley, to Evan Buckley

Dierdra introduces Hen, Karen, and Denny to a Mara Driskell (played by Askyler Bell). Mara is non-verbal and seems withdrawn. Hen tells her to make herself at home and Denny gives her his favorite teddy bear. Meanwhile, Buck goes to see Maddie and tells her about his date. He describes his date in vague terms which leads Maddie to believe he’s seeing a married woman. Buck says he’s not seeing a married woman and tells her he feels guilty for lying to Eddie. Maddie asks him why he did it and Buck says he doesn’t know. Buck tells her that his date left him standing outside the restaurant. Maddie picks up on the specific pronoun he used to describe his date and to Buck’s credit, he tells her he was on a date with a guy. 

Maddie is so supportive in this scene which I knew she’d been. In fact, I don’t think anyone is going to have a problem with Buck being interested in men. Maddie asks him how long it’s been since he’s been leaning in the other direction. He tells her he hasn’t been leaning in that direction; however, he will, from time to time, check out a hot guy’s ass. Buck considers this normal behavior, and you know what, I agree with him. We should all, regardless of who were are attracted to, take the time to check out a hot guy’s ass. Buck tells his sister about Tommy. I thought it was so cute when Buck lists all the things he finds attractive about Tommy Kinard. He’s confident, interesting, and no one has a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston Tommy. Maddie asks if this is the same Tommy who is Eddie’s friend. Buck gets defensive and reminds her that Tommy is a recent friend that he and Eddie most definitely met at the same time. I love when Buck gets jealous. Maddie tells Buck that she doesn’t think he’s a fraud and she follows that up with some amazing, sisterly advice. She reminds him that he’s still processing these new feelings and when he’s ready to tell Eddie the truth, he will do it in his own time.  We end the scene with Maddie asking Buck to tell her more about the hot pilot.

“You’re not gonna spank me with a ruler, are you?” – Eddie Diaz, to Marisol

We next head over to the Diaz residence where we see Eddie and Marisol in bed together presumably after sexytimes. I found this transition jarring because we haven’t seen this side of Eddie since season 2. It’s so funny to me that Ryan Guzman is one of this show’s sex symbols, but we rarely get intimate scenes with his character. In fact, all of the other characters have been shown to have very active and satisfying sex lives within the show. Even Bobby and Athena like to mix it up with some roleplay from time to time. Anywho, Marisol heads into the bathroom to take the world’s fastest shower while Eddie snoops through her things. He finds a crucifix and a photo of her in a nun’s habit. He asks her when she was a nun for Halloween. Marisol exits the bathroom wearing a towel and tells him the photo was taken when she was with the Sisters of the Holy Order. She passes off this information like it’s the most normal explanation in the world before heading back into the bathroom. He asks he if she was really a month and she lets him know she only made it to novice and never took her final vows. Eddie tells her he’s having flash backs to being back in middle school. He asks if he she plans on spanking him with a ruler and she jokes that she’ll only do that if he asks nicely. When Marisol leaves the bathroom this time, Eddie sees her dressed in a habit with a celestial glow around her. Yeah, Buck may be dealing with his sexuality, but our boy Eddie has some good old-fashioned Catholic guilt.

“Is something wrong?” – Karen Wilson, to Mara Driskell

Back over at the Wilsons, Karen helps Mara get ready for bed. As she goes to leave the room, she finds the bear that Denny gave Mara lying on the floor with its head ripped off. Karen is rightfully disturbed by this and quickly exits the room. Later on, Karen wakes up to find Mara standing at the end of her bed. She wakes Hen up and they ask if something is wrong. Mara just stands there and glares at them in the creepiest way. Hen gets up and tells Mara she will go back to her room with her. When she goes to put her hand on Mara’s shoulder, the child starts screaming bloody murder which wakes Denny up. Hen and Karen exchange horrified looks.

“So, she dropped out of nun school?” – Evan Buckley, to Eddie Diaz

The next day, Buck walks into work, looking nervous and trepidatious. He sees Eddie at the bench-press and heads over to talk to him. He starts things off by telling Eddie he’s there early. Eddie says he’s been there since 6:00 even though their shift doesn’t start till 9:00. Eddie tells Buck he left the house early to avoid having sex with Marisol. Eddie asks Buck if his family was very religious when he was growing up which, no offense to the writers, seems like a conversation they would’ve maybe had by now considering how close they are. Buck says they were Episcopalian so basically no. I laughed at this line because I’ve always thought of Episcopalian as diet Catholicism. Many of the same rituals without all the pomp and pageantry. Eddie says he comes from Latin Catholics which apparently is even more hardcore than regular Catholics. Rosary beads. Catholic schools. Confessions. Mass every Sunday. He tells Buck he went until he was old enough to let tell his parents it wasn’t for him. Eddie calls himself as a Manchurian Catholic with a reservoir of Catholic guilt lying dormant just waiting to be activated. 

Eddie goes on to say that everything was going great with Marisol moving in until he found out she was a nun. Buck’s follow-up question to hearing all of this is asking if she wears the outfit meaning the nun’s habit. Eddie explains that she’s not a nun currently, but she was once upon a time. Buck asks if she dropped out or was expelled. Eddie says that Marisol left of her own volition. Buck asks him what the problem is. Eddie says the problem is that he can’t look at her without wanting to do the Sign of the Cross instead of … other things. Eddie says he hasn’t been able to get a boner since she told him which explains why he’s so pent up. Buck tells him that Episcopalians don’t have guilt which is something he doesn’t exactly feel great about and suggests that Eddie appeal to a higher power. Eddie asks Buck if he thinks he should go to confession. Buck tells him ‘no’ and says he thinks he should go talk to Bobby since he’s a practicing Catholic. Eddie thinks this is a good idea since Bobby has never made him feel judged. He tells Buck that’s good advice. He goes to leave but pauses. He turns to Buck and says that it looked like he wanted to tell him something when he walked in. Buck lies and says he was just going to see if needed someone to spot him. 

“One minute, Denny’s setting the table and the next, he’s bleeding.” – Karen Wilson, to Hen Wilson

Upstairs, Bobby brings Hen coffee. She tells him she need a handful of ibuprofen. He asks her if she has a headache, she tells him she has an everything ache. He asks her how thing are going with Mara, and she tells him that something happened to her. Before she got to Hen and Karen. Hen tells him that Mara had an episode the previous night. A night terror. She tells Bobby that she’s been with a day and a night but so far hasn’t spoken a single word. Bobby tells her that once Mara feels safe, she will eventually open up. Hen gets a text from Karen with a photo of Denny. Denny had a bruise over his right eye and the two of them are at the emergency room. Hen gets up and tells Bobby she needs to call Karen.

She learns that during breakfast, Mara chucked a coffee mug at Denny’s head. Hen asks if Denny is okay, and Karen says that he swears he’s fine. Denny tells Karen and Hen that Mara didn’t mean to hurt him which is awfully mature of him to say. Hen starts freaking out and asking about x-rays and stitches and checking for a concussion. Karen lets her know she is handling things. Hen apologizes and says she wishes she was there. Hen asks how all of this happened and Karen tells her she thinks it’s because Denny moved her blanket. Hen tells Karen that she’ll be home soon and when she gets there they have a lot to talk about. Karen agrees. When Hen gets home, the two of them make a phone call to Dierdra.

“I’m not gonna tell you how you feel about Marisol, Eddie. Only you know that.” – Bobby Nash, to Eddie Diaz

Meanwhile, back at the 118, Eddie shows Bobby a photo of Marisol wearing her nun’s habit. Bobby says that Marisol doesn’t look like any of the nuns he had back when he was in Minnesota. Bobby tells Eddie he understands why he’s unnerved by the knowledge that Marisol used to be a nun. He says that the imagery from their faith is very powerful. Eddie says he’s not sure if he can say that it is their faith. He tells Bobby he doesn’t know what he believes in anymore. Bobby reminds him that a lapsed Catholic is still a Catholic. He wonders if Eddie’s reaction is just him having second thoughts about Marisol moving in with him. He says that Eddie hasn’t talked about Marisol in a way that would make Bobby think he was considering cohabitating with her. Eddie tells Bobby that he really likes Marisol. Bobby tells Eddie he remembers the last time he said something similar. It was about Ana and he tells Eddie that shortly thereafter he started having panic attacks. Eddie asks Bobby if he thinks he’s a commitment-phobe. Bobby says he doesn’t think that’s the case considering Eddie has no problem committing to other things like the military, being a firefighter, his son, and Shannon. Eddie tells Bobby that the Church is a lot of the reason why he and Shannon got married. When she got pregnant, they both felt pressured into getting married. Eddie says that he’s never regretted marrying Shannon. Even when things got really bad, there was a part of him that loved being married to her. Bobby tells Eddie that only he knows how he feels about Marisol. Eddie asks Bobby what he would do if he were in his position. Bobby says as a practicing, confession-going Catholic he would go to confession because he wouldn’t want to piss off Marisol’s ex … the Lord. 

“I was supposed to take care of her. She was finally supposed to be safe with me.” – Cynthia, to Hen Wilson

In our next scene, the 118 respond to an emergency involving a structure fire and a firefighter named Brunson who has been bitten by the homeowner’s dog. While Chimney sees to Brunson (played by Anthony Starke), the homeowner Cynthia (played by Sandra Thigpen) explains that the dog is a rescue who was once used for fighting. She is more upset about the dog being trapped inside her home which is currently on fire than she is her home. Brunson says he’s sorry he couldn’t get the dog out of the house and Cynthia apologizes for her dog biting him. Hen, being an avid animal lover, goes to check on the dog after she’s carried out of the house by another fireman. She detects movement and begins administering compressions to the dog. Okay, so maybe I’m late to the party but I didn’t know CPR worked on dogs. The dog regains consciousness and Cynthia is so happy. Brunson says to Hen that she doesn’t give up and Chimney tells him that giving up is not in her vocabulary. 

“Everybody’s given up on her. I don’t want to be another name in a long list of people who have failed her.” – Hen Wilson, to Athena Grant

Hen goes to see Athena who has done some digging into Mara’s background. They learn that Mara’s parents were high school sweethearts who have criminal records going all the way back to when they were teenagers. They were both into drugs which ultimately led to their demise. They both died on the same night due to an opioid overdose. They’d been dead several hours by the time paramedics arrived. Hen asks Athena how the paramedics found them. Athena tells her someone called 911. 

Hen and Karen head over to the 911 dispatch center to see Maddie. I love how we keep getting more scenes between these Maddie and Hen. I would argue that we’ve seen Hen and Maddie together more in just this season alone than the other seasons combined. Maddie plays the 911 call from the night Mara’s parents overdosed. At first no one responds to the dispatcher but eventually Mara starts talking. Mara tells him that her parents went to sleep and now they will not wake up. It was absolutely heartbreaking listening to Mara tell the dispatcher that she couldn’t feel her parents breathing. She tells him that sometimes her parents take pills that make them sleepy but they always wakeup. She wonders why they aren’t waking up this time. She begs for them to wake up. When the recording ends, Hen realizes aloud that Mara wasn’t just watching her and Karen sleep. She was worried they weren’t going to wake up. Karen says she was trying to protect them. I mean that still doesn’t make what she did to Denny okay but at least we have an explanation as to why she’s acting out and not speaking to anyone.

Eddie heads over to Buck’s to avoid going home to his own place. Buck tells him he’s going to have to go home at some point. Eddie asks if he has to. Buck reminds him that’s where he and his son lives. Eddie says that Christopher is away for the next couple of days. Speaking of Christopher, I was hoping that with him being a main part of the cast now that we’d see him more this season. Maybe he’ll factor in towards the latter half of the season. Anywho, Eddie is worried that if he goes home, Marisol will want to have sex with him. Buck tells him he’ll get through it. Eddie is worried about God watching them knock boots and Buck asks him if God was watching before Eddie learned about Marisol being a nun. Eddie says that he’s going to have to break up with her. Buck asks him if that is what he wants. Eddie says no and reminds Buck that he just asked Marisol to move in with him. He tells Buck that he and Tommy have the right idea staying single and hanging out with the boys. Oh, Eddie. You don’t know the half of it. 

“This doesn’t change a thing between us. Okay?” – Eddie Diaz, to Evan Buckley

Buck finally comes clean and tells Eddie he was on a date with Tommy. Eddie is shocked that Tommy’s gay which is funny to me because one would think his first thought would be, wow, Buck, you’re bisexual? Buck figured that Tommy’s sexuality would’ve come up at some point while they were hanging out. Eddie says Tommy hasn’t said anything to him, not that it would matter. Buck says that Tommy doesn’t volunteer his sexuality, but he doesn’t hide it. Buck asks Eddie if it’s weird that he and Tommy were on a date and Eddie says absolutely not. Eddie tells Buck that nothing will change between the two of them and Buck is visibly relieved by hearing this. Buck tells him that Tommy dumped him but then remembers that he can’t be dumped if they were never together. Buck tells him that Tommy doesn’t think he’s ready to be in a relationship with a guy. Eddie asks him what he thinks. Buck says he can’t stop thinking about Tommy. Eddie tells Buck he needs to call Tommy. Eddie reminds him that Tommy doesn’t know he’s an idiot but once he does get to know him, he’ll love Buck – like they all do. But what if he says no, Buck asks. Then he’s an idiot, Eddie says. Eddie tells him not to walk away from something before he even knows what it is. Buck echoes what Eddie said earlier in the episode and tells him that’s good advice. Eddie agrees and tells Buck he needs to talk to Marisol. He gets up and heads to the door. Before he leaves, he tells Buck to come here, and the two besties hug it out. This scene was so precious. I love the chemistry between these two. I’m still not 100% sold on them being anything other than friends but I can see why others would see a scene like this and ship these two romantically. Before Eddie leaves, he reminds Buck to call Tommy. If only you could be as good of a boyfriend as you are a friend, Eddie. You would be as close to perfect as a person could get. 

“Because no man has ever looked at me the same after they found out.” – Marisol, to Eddie Diaz

Eddie finally makes it back to his house right about the same time Marisol gets there. He apologizes for not coming home sooner. He asks her if she’s had anything to eat and she tells him she ate with her brother. This made me laugh because I’ve seen people on Reddit and Tumblr joke about how Marisol has more chemistry with her brother than she does with Eddie. Anywho, Marisol tells Eddie they should talk and he agrees. She tells him she have told him sooner about being a nun. He asks her why she didn’t, and she tells him that whenever she tells a guy about her past, one of two things happen. Either they get freaked out or turned on. Eddie suggests there may be a third option – the kind of guy who just needs a minute. Marisol tells him if he’s not ready for them to cohabitate, she understands. Eddie tells her he doesn’t think he’s ready for them to leave together … yet. He tells her something about him. He confesses that he has the tendency to move too fast in his relationships. He goes with his gut and lets his head catch up later. Marisol asks if that usually works out for him and he tells her no. However, this time he would really like it if it did. Eddie asks Marisol if they can start over, and she says yes. This time he wants them to take time getting to know each other. They kiss and Marisol says she can’t wait to move out. Eddie says he can’t wait either.

“Night, night.” – Mara, to Karen Wilson

At the Wilson residence, Karen goes into Mara’s room to talk to her. She says she can’t imagine how hard it is for her being in a new house with strangers. Karen says she would be scared all the time which is how she knows Mara is a very brave girl. Karen tells Mara she doesn’t have to be brave all the time. She tells her she is safe there with her, Hen, and Denny – even if she doesn’t feel like she is. She gives Mara a monitor so she can see that Karen and Hen are there and know that she is safe. She tells Mara goodnight and tells her goodnight. Hen and Karen are delighted to hear this.

“I don’t know what I’m ready for, but I am ready for something. And I think maybe that something could be with you.” – Evan Buckley, to Tommy Kinard

The next day, Buck meet up with Tommy. They exchange hellos and Buck thanks Tommy for agreeing to meet him. He tells Tommy he got him a coffee. He didn’t know how he took his coffee, so he just guessed. Tommy takes a sip and says, not like that. I love how honest Tommy is. It’s what I find so endearing about him. They both laugh and Buck says there’s a lot of things they don’t know about each other. Tommy says practically everything. Buck wants to change that but first he apologizes for how he behaved on their date. Tommy assures him he has nothing to apologize for, but Buck says he does. Tommy tells him no again and explains that he didn’t cut their date short because Buck behaved badly. He cut it short because he didn’t want to pressure Buck. Buck admits that how he acted is not one of his proudest moments. Buck brings up how Tommy said he wasn’t ready. He tells Tommy that he doesn’t know what he’s ready for but he is ready for something. He believes that maybe that something could be with Tommy. Tommy says that Buck already knows he’s interested. Buck invites him to come to Maddie’s wedding. Tommy laughs but quickly realizes that Buck is serious. Buck tells him that he wants him to be his date. When Tommy said Evan, I swooned. Buck tells him that he already knows half the people that will be at the wedding and says that Maddie is eager to meet him. I love how Tommy is always checking to make sure Buck is okay with everything they are doing. He asks Buck if he’s sure and Buck says he is. He tells Tommy he’ll need someone to dance with. Tommy says okay. They hold hands and Buck looks so happy I could just scream.  “What was it, pastel and puke?” – Maddie Buckley, to Evan Buckley and Eddie Diaz

In our final scene, we flash-forward to Maddie and Chimney’s wedding. We see Athena looking absolutely radiant seated next to Bobby. We see Maddie in her wedding dress freaking out over Chimney, Buck, and Eddie being a half an hour late. Maddie’s dad (played by Gregory Harrison) is trying to call Buck but keeps getting his voicemail. Hen arrives in looking absolutely stunning in a black tux. She tells Maddie that Buck’s car just pulled up. Maddie is relieved and asks if Chimney is with them. Hen tells her she isn’t sure. She didn’t see. Buck and Eddie arrive looking like something the proverbial cat drug in. I love their pastel blazer. Eddie’s in a pink suit with no shirt on for some reason. Not that I’m complaining. Buck has on all white with a green blazer. Maddie asks them why they’re dressed like that. Buck says they were at a themed party. Eddie says the puke on his jacket isn’t his. Maddie tells them to get changed and asks them about Chimney. Buck tells her it’s complicated. 

Wow, what another incredible episode. I like how the theme of not knowing someone carried out throughout the episode. This season continues to deliver on the character development front. Some have complained that there’s not enough emergencies this season, but I don’t care. I’ve always preferred the drama of the characters over the actual emergencies. I think the show does a good job of balancing those two things. Hell, it’s only been five episodes and we’ve dealt with a drunk driver, an airplane crashing into a house, a cruise ship capsizing and a guy going ape shit on himself. That’s plenty of emergency for me. 

Speaking of balance, I think the show is doing a good job of balancing our main characters’ storyline. The first three episodes dealt with Athena and Buck. The last two episodes have been about Buck, Hen, and Eddie. I feel like the next episodes will deal with Maddie and Chimney. Speaking of Buck, I am very pleased with the direction his character is going. I was watching an episode from season one and it’s remarkable how far he’s come since then. The same goes with Hen. In season one, I wasn’t sure if her relationship with Karen was going to go the distance but here we are seven years later and they’re still together, better than ever, and fostering kids in addition to raising Denny. Then we have Eddie. I am so happy Bobby called him out on his bullshit. I’ve watched people online make excuses for Eddie’s behavior while pointing the finger at Shannon. I’ve never understood how people could be so angry at Shannon for leaving Christopher but turn a blind eye to the fact that Eddie has openly admitted to signing up for another tour of duty because he wasn’t ready to deal with being a husband and a father. Having Marisol move out is a good decision although I wish he never asked her to move in to begin with. It creates more baggage for her. Hopefully, Eddie will take additional steps to figure out why he sucks at relationships. It's so funny to me because I see so many folks online who swear up and down that Eddie and Buck are going to be together by the end of this season. Yet, none of them have ever taken the time to consider that if Eddie is bad with Shannon, Ana, and now with Marisol, why would things be any different with Buck? Also, I do not want Eddie to interfere with Buck’s bisexual awakening. In fact, outside of them being just two friends supporting each other, I would like to see them embark on their separate journeys alone and maybe rely on others for advice. 

Well, unfortunately it looks like we will not be getting a new episode until May 2nd. I checked my calendar and May 2nd isn’t as far away as I thought. Having 9-1-1 on a brief hiatus will allow me some time to revisit some older episodes and rewatch the five episodes from this season. The thing about 9-1-1, much like Golden Girls and Schitt’s Creek, it will never get old to me. So, maybe I’ll start at the very beginning (again) so I can better appreciate how far our beloved characters have come. Until next time …

[fnaffersblog]

Wawawa you're fine! I love reading your thoughts about the show. You always have great takes so it's always a treat to read! Honestly you are completely correct that both Sun and Moon have too much problems to work through alone. Like they're getting better, but if someone doesn't intervene soon something is going to happen that might actually cause unfixable damage.

I can't help but wonder if part of New Moon's improvement in the emotions department has to do with Earth. Like it's a given that the old Moon didn't know how to deal with social issues at all, but honestly considering how he came to be it's surprising he wasn't worse off. The newer Moon though had a much more tolerant beginning. Sure it sucked that he literally woke up just to find out that he has a lot of problems to look forward to, but at least he had a supportive family (even if he didn't know them) to help him get his footing. I feel like that helped Moon a lot in being able to process things and helped him have a more healthy mindset. Earth probably led to a good chunk of the positive coping skills. Moon knows Earth is probably the most emotionally intelligent of them all so why not try to emulate some of her caring nature though emulating can only do so much if you're still clueless on the emotional cues :')

Also thank you for saying the part where the old Moon and Sun really didn't know each other as well as they thought they did. I've always sort of had that thought in the back of my mind but I never really gave it much thought, and now I'm sad thinking about how Sun really never got to know old Moon personally before he got erased. Sure the newer Moon is basically the same just reset but there are certain things that the old Moon experienced that the new one will never truly get because it didn't happen to him.

As for the name choice, Spigot is what Lunar named the toy reindeer he got for Christmas :) Also for your consideration, Cherrim for Sun.

I’m so glad folks like my deep dives! Everyone has been so kind in my comments n stuff, I appreciate that a lot, it makes me really happy. I love seeing other people’s long posts too when I pop into the various SaMs tags. It’s always interesting to see how someone perceived an episode differently than I did, I always end up being like ‘I thought that too!’ or ‘I didn’t even notice that!’ when I read other people’s stuff. It’s great, my favorite part of this. :D

“If someone doesn't intervene soon something is going to happen that might actually cause unfixable damage.” So, this. Yes. Yeah. Took the words right out of my mouth. I’ve been thinking this for awhile now.

It’s… a weird situation. Moon’s reset, even though it happened months ago at this point, has thrown a wrench in the situation.

At this point, Moon… doesn’t really have any issues?

Yeah this is all… a mess to talk about lol.

Old Moon? Yes. Old Moon had a LOT of issues he needed to work through. Had he not been reset, I think he’d be at a breaking point right now right alongside Sun, if he wasn’t actively pushing Sun towards one. Or both.

New Moon is… well, I don’t think we’ve really gotten any sort of indication that he’s having trouble reconciling with the reset. In fact, I don’t think we’ve gotten ANYTHING in regards to how New Moon feels about the reset. I did SAY that in the previous post but it was more me waxing poetic and less concrete proof has been provided that he’s struggling with any emotional turmoil due to the reset. At most, maybe he’s stressed with all the stuff that he’s dealing with all at once?

Like, yeah, he’s annoyed and disturbed by the actions of Old Moon and he thinks Old Moon was a dick but like… does he see that as himself? As a different person? Does he ever think about it at all? Is it on his mind a lot, or is it just something he’s reminded of sometimes? Like, Old Moon is just some guy to him people bring up, or whose stuff he has to sort through sometimes. We’ve gotten nothing as far as I can remember. I don’t think we have any perspective on how New Moon sees the reset at all. We don’t know at all. NOTHING. Which is funny because I really did think, well this was such a huge event for us and for the show, there’s gotta be something unresolved there for New Moon but… I don’t know? It feels more like, considering the way he’s reacted when Sun has brought up stuff Old Moon has done… Like, when Sun talks about stuff Old Moon to New Moon did he says things like, ‘you used to do’ or ‘you did before’ or ‘when old you’ and New Moon always just kinda seems to go ‘huh’ or get quiet, sometimes correcting Sun ‘well I can’t do that now’ and then the conversation moves on. At the very least he must know Sun sees it as Old Moon or previous version of Moon and New Moon or current version of Moon. I can see that causing some contention no matter how New Moon perceives Old Moon in relation to himself.

He’s stressed out because he’s juggling a lot of plates right now, for sure. I mean, he was basically just born and now he’s trying to save the world from six different angles, on top of re-learning/learning everything for the first time. I’d be a little irritable too. But I think that that’s it. He’s at most annoyed and a little burnt out, but all that previous trauma is gone and it’s gone for good, if the most recent lore ep told us anything.

Suns isn’t. Obviously, lol. In fact he kinda called this out himself, that Moon just got to start over and Sun doesn’t. Which is going to cause contention from Suns side.

It’s a mess.

Earth is a TREASURE. I love her. She’s a wonderful character and I’m so happy for her inclusion in the show. She fits so well into Sun and Moon’s dynamic, she’s like a piece that was always missing that no one knew about. Had I more time, I’d talk about her for awhile, because she’s such a sweetheart.

But I agree with literally everything you said in the paragraph about her and Moon. I couldn’t say it better myself. Her being around to help contextualize New Moon’s formative experiences alongside Sun has definitely been a massive factor in his changes.

It makes me curious about her relationship with the creator. The Creator refers to her as daughter and Sun and Moon as mistakes (Though he also talks about her as an object, much like he does the others, tools he created to do things. Even so, he is miles more respectful towards her than he is towards Sun and Moon). If she’s anything like Sun and Moon she was ‘raised’ in the sense that she had programs written into her, but her experiences after she turned on were what shaped her current personality. She is SO MUCH MORE well adjusted than Sun and Moon. Does he… love her? She refers to him as father and is defensive about his actions towards Sun and Moon, she took care of him. It makes me super interested to leanr even more about her ‘childhood’ so to say.

I like Earth.

There’s a lot to grieve about in regards to New Moon. I know a lot of folks were holding onto the idea that perhaps there was a way to return Moon’s memories and I’ll admit I was one of those people. But with what amounts to a concrete confirmation from Golden Freddy alongside just the fact that it happened at all, I think it’s safe to say that Old Moon, ALL of Old Moon is gone. There’s more to say about it, but that’s a longer discussion for a different post.

I did not remember that detail about the reindeer for Lunar! That’s perfect. Also how did I not think of Cherrim for Sun?? It’s literally the perfect Pokemon for him! It’s whole gimmick is the sun AND it’s rays look like petals just like Sun’s rays, I LOVE that. Perfect perfect perfect.

[undercover-stories]

Gonna preface this by saying I’m not autistic so if I’m wrong please feel free to correct me. With that said

I think there’s some legitimacy in the idea that Sai is possibly on the autism spectrum. He tends to take things very literally. Has trouble with interpreting human emotions to a point where he needs to actually study it. He also finds it difficult to emote himself. He can be very blunt with his words and comments and doesn’t seem to realize when he’s hurt other peoples feelings unless he’d done it with the aim to do so. But even then he consistently sticks to the same insults and teasings over and over (eg: him making fun of Naruto’s dick)

His jutsu style is very unique to his own compared to other Shinobis except for the ones born with a specific kekkei genkai. It could be interpreted as a fixation or special interest of his hence why he can implement it as part of his jutsu style so well

Of course you can say this was all caused by his time with root but compare him to someone like Yamato, who’d also been in root for far longer than sai, but doesn’t have issues with reading social cues or communicating himself the way Sai does.

I also like the idea because it adds some layers and complexities to his character. Especially since none of these things stop him from improving as a person and learning new things. Being who he is isn’t a detriment. It’s just a part of who he is. It doesn’t stop him from learning to become a good friend. To move away from the brainwashing he’d been subjected to under Danzo so he could develop his own identity and beliefs.

What I like about his friendship with Naruto is that Naruto never avoids him (except for their initial meeting which is fair since he saw Sai as trying to take Sasuke’s place). Naruto doesn’t shy away from him. When Sai admits to not understanding Narutos goals, he doesn’t brush the guy off. He takes time to explain. Like always, he allows himself to be vulnerable in a way Sai was taught not to be. In later chapters he’s also shown to trust Sai completely and is able to communicate with him in a fight without words (eg: in their fight against Karui and Omo). Naruto (similar to how he makes friends in general) does not shut Sai out and that’s significant. There’s a reason why Sai is protective and devoted to Naruto’s ideals the same way Gaara or Shikamaru is.

Which is why I hate it when I read fics where he’s depicted as just an apathetic, creep. Sai deserves so much better.

[persephoneslounge]

Social Media Tried to Paint Me as Just an Astrologer: I’m Literally an Artist, Babe

Wednesday Journal Entry, Week 32

Earlier I was watching the movie Divergent, and it got me thinking about my own life, and how if I were to live in that type of society, divided by factions, I would have been just like Beatrice, or Tris- divergent. A rebel. An embarrassment. Someone who has the audacity to not belong, because my mind simply isn’t wired in one direction. The younger me would’ve tried to do what she did, blend and fit in in order to please and pander to the masses. In the scene where she picks Dauntless at the Choosing Ceremony, I think of all the times I did something just to appease others, to not rock the boat, and ensure peace was maintained.

Luckily I’m not that young anymore. I’m thirty, the age where you give less of a shit what society teaches you, or at least, you get better at pretending just enough that people have no choice but to stop telling you what to do. And if they try, you get ready for war.

A few months ago, I took a break from doing readings, and now it’s about time I finally express why that is. Part of it is because like Tris, I’m not just an astrologer. Never have been, never will be just that. Because the best way to be a success is by being as authentic as possible. I don’t regret doing readings at all- in fact, I just put the services page back on my website, but right now, it’s necessary to speak my truth.

It all started back in 2019, when my life basically fell apart. The year prior, my ex and I broke up. He was toxic and abusive so it was a painful but very necessary decision. Fast forward to me and my dog living in a shelter, lost, no job, and just processing the fact that I wasn’t able to get the funding to direct my first feature film. I was devastated, having always been a passionate artist. Life couldn’t get any worse. I was also experiencing my second nodal opposition. The nodal opposition is basically when the transit North Node is in the sign of your natal South Node, and during this period, themes from the past come up before you can really move forward.

In my case, my South Node is in the eleventh house, which has to do with networking, social circles, and friendships. Being surrounded by people had always felt like a happy place, till it eventually gave me resentments. Friendships have often been fleeting and despite knowing a lot of people, only a handful really know me. On social media, anytime I’d join a group, at some point there would be conflicting values that caused me to eventually leave the group altogether. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. I could even be in a room full of people and still feel invisible.

Growing up, I studied in a French-speaking elementary school, where 99% of the students were children of immigrants, which means I had friends from anywhere and everywhere. Often there were fights with the nearby English-speaking high school, so not only was there a lot of racism, there was also the language conflict that Quebec is infamous for. And being bilingual, I also didn’t fit in anywhere. Because the problem with humans is they love keeping people in categories, so in order to survive as a child, you learn how to mask and adapt, but people sniff you out eventually. They always do. It’s a survival instinct from way back where people would do this to sniff out enemies in tribes. Masks only work for so long. Eventually you slip up by going against one of their unspoken rules or forget an important social cue, and you’re back to being that kid in the corner again.

I don’t miss my childhood.

During my stay in a shelter, I met a lot of amazing people and spent time writing a memoir about my time there. In a weird way, I found myself. It felt like I could do whatever I want, because I had little to lose. I began writing more on my blog and even slowly started looking at people’s charts anytime they wanted some fast insight. Finally a fated moment came where I published two articles on Medium that changed the course of my path. One about the eighth house and the other about moon in Capricorn. A friend sent me a screenshot from a group he was in to let me know an article of mine had been shared. According to my stats, thousands of people had seen my blog. I was walking on air. After years of being a writer, my hard work began paying off.

Meanwhile, on another Facebook group that I used to moderate, they made me an approved reader, so I decided to start offering services, as a way to expand my skills as an astrologer and to also make extra money, since at that point I was still looking for work. In June 2020, several months into the pandemic, the tables turned: I went from living in a shelter to being a staff member in one and not long after, got my own apartment.

For about the next year, I felt like I reached the pinnacle of success. I was doing readings while balancing a job that I loved. I would also post astrology-related memes on Facebook and Instagram and it gave me joy because other people found joy in those memes. After awhile, I remembered that I also write poetry and movies and went back to sharing more of that content. Crickets.

And it’s not that people who followed me didn’t like my poetry or films- not that it should matter, because what really matters is whether I’m being true to myself- the problem is the social media algorithm. I wish someone had told me this a few years ago, but the more you post a certain kind of content, the more social media classifies your account under a certain theme. Seems logical right? After all, if someone mostly shares workout videos, they’re account is classified as workout page; If someone mostly shares music, then they’re classified as a music page. However, what about the jack-of-all-trades like me who has several passions?

I can’t stress enough how close I was to throwing the baby with the bathwater. Because social media, especially Instagram and Tiktok, got so familiar with my work in astrology, anytime I’d share something unrelated, I felt invisible, insignificant, like somehow I was a one-trick pony and that’s all people wanted. In reality, it didn’t really matter according to my stats, people did want that from me. The problem really was the algorithm. It’s almost as if some invisible hand came along and tried to fit me in a box that I never agreed to being put in, and now I was being made to choose between astrology and my art.

My first reaction was to freeze and not post at all. My second reaction was to consider giving up astrology or at least, put it in the background, but even when I talk about a favorite movie or TV show, somehow astrology is always referenced. I’ll try to guess the characters zodiac signs or spend time looking at what in an actor’s birth chart gave them the ability to play their role so well. I just couldn’t help it. It was like choosing between eating and drinking, we need both to survive. I needed both art and astrology.

To be honest, if there’s one thing that held me back for awhile, it was seeing how many famous artists started out in one genre, only to cave in to what’s popular. Avril Lavigne started out as a rocker chick, and then recorded “Girlfriend”. Lady Gaga is originally a jazz singer but become known in pop, and yet ironically, even her pop songs don’t fit any genre. No matter how much some people wnet to great lengths to box her in, she came out on top. Then you have Pink who went against her former producer LA Reed just so he could grant her permission to co-write songs with Linda Perry, because she was more interested in making music that’s personal than being just another pop/RNB girl.

I also think my main problem is that I used to care a bit too much what other people think, because remember, my South Node is in the eleventh house (a.k.a. other people). Yet all my favorite celebrities are the ones who provoke, who make people think and make them angry. Sometimes I’d catch myself not wanting to post a video or share an article or poem, out of fear that it might “offend” someone, or that people will decide to unfollow me if I share something different. I’ve seen it happen a few times, my viewership would decrease if I didn’t post more of the usual content pr for sharing related to politics, but at some point, you have to choose between doing what makes you happy and doing what makes you likeable.

And trust me, as the girl who got bullied throughout elementary and high school, I’m used to not having some people like me. After being rejected so many times, it gets to the point where you realize that really, the only approval you ever need is your own. That’s not coming from a perspective of arrogance, it’s coming from learning tough lesson after lesson. The most important person to support your work is you, regardless of how many others cheer it on.

What the algorithm doesn’t realize is that my North Node is in the fifth house, which has to do with creativity, passion and self-love, which means that I wasn’t put on this planet to be defined or understood. I was put here to be happy. I was put here to make art in every way imaginable, whether it’s through writing, film, astrology- even if it doesn’t always make sense to everyone else.

I also think that social media has a huge problem with niches. While a niche can seem like a good thing, it limits self-expression and prevents people from posting out of fear that no one will see your work anymore. Recently, I had a bone to pick with Tiktok, because anytime I’d share a video with one of my poems, it wouldn’t get more than fifty views, yet if I shared something related to spirituality, it would get hundreds of views. And it wasn’t just me. A friend of mine said she couldn’t see my videos unless she looked up my name. I was livid. It’s almost like in an indirect way, social media has really been trying to insist that I’m not a writer, storyteller, filmmaker and astrologer, that I’m just an astrologer, and that it’ll punish me for being out of line.

I recently deactivated my Tiktok and have barely been on Insta, and whether I start posting there again in the future, I still have my own platform Persephone’s Forum that got launched in late February. And for what it’s worth, at least on there, you’re not expected to fake it till you make it.

And luckily, that kind of mind game doesn’t work on a stubborn Taurus like me, since I’m gonna have my cake and eat it, too. The more you tell me not to do something, the more I’ll want to do it. Slowly, I found a way to somehow merge both, by going into my vault of poetry and finding pieces that reference the stars. I also have to keep in mind that there are many creators like Dossevia who do both art and astrology, and finally understand that there’s no reason to go against my truth in order to get seen. I also think that the worst thing you can do is take social media seriously, it’s really just a game of numbers and not to mention, Tiktok recently admitted that their staff can choose who goes viral.

Despite the fact that we live in a society that tries to put people into boxes, the ones who become successful are those who break those boxes, those who break the boundaries. No one would’ve remembered Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho if he had changed the movie to suit the studios, and no one would care for Pink or Lady Gaga if they only recorded what the labels want. As the saying goes, “Well behaved women rarely make history.” Do I really sound like the kind of person who behaves?

Karina

To get a reading or learn about my other projects, scroll to the menu. If you haven’t already, sign up at my new social media site Persephone’s Forum.

If you enjoyed this, you may want to read If You Love Art, Astrology, or Just Need a Different Platform, Check Out my New Website, as well as Don’t Feel Bad for Not Going Viral, Tiktok Staff Admit Social Media is Rigged, and The Secret Life of the Bilingual Canadian

[zablionsea]

I was digging through stuff under my bed, and found a checklist booklet given to me by a boarding program meant to help with independent living that I was considering attending but declined.

I opened up the social skills section, and it became apparent that some of the items on the list would be actually impossible for me to check off.

I can't control my eye contact properly, even when masking. It takes excessive energy, effort, and concentration to have "reasonable eye contact" to the point where doing so might actually make it hard to listen to what people are saying. This isn't something I can just work on. It's part of being autistic and I've been like this as long as I've been alive.

Similarly, I can't ever confidently check off another box with "recognizing basic social cues" since I genuinely cannot read body language or facial expressions very well at all. At best, I can only glean the most basic emotions from it. People have tried to train me to read faces like allistic people, but it just never worked. Instead, I'm stuck either relying on vocal tone or what people are saying. But even then, I'm always losing out on information, and if something could've been done about it, then it would've already happened during the years of ABA I endured.

And then it kind of hit me that this checklist just feels very, idk, not very disability-centered for something geared toward disabled people. There are some things that some folks really won't ever be able to do unassisted or at all, and removing a checkbox because of that can inspire feelings of guilt or shame. At least, the way this is framed makes me feel bad for the areas where I just am disabled and can't do anything about it.

It's a little reassuring that I think I have more checkboxes filled than not, but the lacking areas are really huge and cause massive problems constantly.

idk a little ironic that the list meant to help me feel confident in getting better at being independent is doing the opposite and making me worry that I'll never be able to move out. agh.

[sassypotatoe1]

Not to armchair diagnose but if you consider yourself an introverted extrovert, vice versa or an ambivert you might want to do some introspection and research because it's entirely possible that you're just autistic. Lemme explain. If you find that you struggle to form deep, long-lasting bonds with people, miss social cues often and get exhausted by spending a lot of time with a lot of people, but you also hate hate hate being alone and constantly crave connections you just can't seem to build, it might be because your brain processes social conventions differently and you're exhausted from sensory overload, masking, struggling to keep up with social conventions and difficulty regulating your feelings, not from actually being an introvert.

If your behavior and attitudes are contradicting that's fine, people are messy and contradicting and that's not necessarily pathological. If you struggle with some things that's fine, life is messy and contradicting and difficult, and it's not necessarily a Condition™. If, however, these things cause you frequent and intense distress or disable you from normal functioning you can go ahead and consider that something isn't quite right.

When I first got my adhd diagnosis I was so excited to tell everyone in my life so they would finally see why I am the way I am, that it's different brain chemistry, that I'm not lazy or doing it on purpose to be rebellious, and I'd use the words I learned fervently reading the dsm and journal articles to explain my struggles by pathologizing them, because I felt at the time that using words like "adhd paralysis" instead of "I want to do the thing but really can't" would make people take my struggles more seriously. Sometimes they did, mostly they just thought I was making excuses.

Sometimes, very rarely though, I'd talk to someone about the things I struggle with and they'd go "well everyone does that a bit" and at one point I learned to say "yeah, but is it to such a degree that it distresses you, disables you, can put your life at risk and makes things impossible for you that seem as easy as breathing to everyone else?" and it clicked for people.

I wasn't saying I have adhd because I forget my keys sometimes. I was saying I have adhd because I had to learn how to pick locks and scale palisade fencing to get into my own apartment at night after walking home in the dark because I forgot to arrange a lift again, and I'd locked my keys in my apartment for the 5th time that week, and nothing I've tried has made me stop forgetting it.

And since then I've gotten more diagnoses and my treatment plan and therapy strategy has changed half a dozen times, and I kept researching and learning and Journaling and exploring to figure out where what fits, and I've also learned that other than having a clear outline of your conditions, symptoms and struggles for medical purposes, pathologizing yourself is socially useless.

So now instead of saying "my nervous system can't regulate itself and my brain struggles with filtering sensory input" I say "my entire body is tingling painfully because my brother got the wrong flavor of ice cream and I can't stop crying about it because I REALLY needed triple chocolate ice cream to feel better, and I don't even know what from" because whichever way I phrase it, people who care will understand and people who don't will be committed to not understanding, and I can't change that, but I can change how I think about myself and my struggles and being more present in my experiences has been much more helpful than putting them at arms length with psychobabble and therapy speak.

This still doesn't change the fact that I have a list of diagnosed and undiagnosed conditions so long that I lovingly call it my shopping list. Understanding that something is wrong, what it is and how it affects me is crucially important, because in the past when I thought I was a typical abled normal kid, I almost got hit by high speed trains or almost broke my back, neck or collarbones in bad falls at gymnastics practice or drank so much coffee to be able to function that I'm convinced a congenital heart defect that typically makes itself known in someone's late 50s or 60s reared its head snarling and snapping at 20 almost 60% due to my coffee consumption during my teens alone.

Permanent injuries I have to live with now could have been avoided had I know that my unstable joints and clumsiness weren't just unfitness and inattention, but hypermobility and a built in weak interoception and proprioception. Knowing that my nervous system can't regulate itself properly helped me reduce self-harming behaviors significantly, because it was no longer "I'm crazy why can't I be normal why does this feel good why can't I stop" in my head, it was now "oh you're not regulated let's explore why you might feel this way and do a healthy stim. You like rough textures when you're embarrassed, so what can you do to manage how you're feeling now?"

Being aware that I get delusions and hallucinations now that they've significantly reduced after a med change did so much for my general paranoia and anxiety. I can watch a horror movie for the themes and story without being unable to sleep and panicking because I'm scared of ghosts I don't believe in, having to imagine a forcefield around myself to protect myself against forces I don't actually think are there, panicking every time my focus on this false force field slips even a bit. Shadows are just shadows now, and the way the lights from a passing car moves through the window is magical for completely mundane reasons: it looks fucking pretty.

This turned out much longer than intended but I guess what I'm trying to say with it is that if something causes you trouble or distress, you're not only welcome to but encouraged to explore what it might be, and you're allowed to pathologize your own behaviors, but you gotta maintain a balance, and it can take a bit to find it but it's worth trying anyway.

[cobaltkestrel]

Keep in mind that the original Expedition was for volunteers only and was considered a potential one way trip. Danial who would have been incredibly valuable was denied permission to go.

This means that no only do you have to be willing to volunteer for a mission where it was likely you would never see your friends and family again but that you couldn't be too vital to Earth or too tied to the daily running of the mountain. Which by this point means people smart enough to be useful but with personalities not desired if there is a option. To me this means of course personalities like Rodney and Kavanaugh would end up on the mission. In fact if you look at most of the Scientists you end up with ones that are very theoretical and more used to focusing on the Science then group work or making bonds with others. We see this a lot in scientists who hide new discoveries so they can be the ones to make the next great finding. It's not about advancing the group they are looking for personal acclaim.

Rodney has in universe spent a lot of time learning the mechanics of the Stargate as well as working mainly with Ancient tech. His knowledge was invaluable but he was effectively black listed from every working in the mountain again. This mission was the only way for him to advance and get access to the new science. But he has learned he needs to work with others and can not burn his bridges here. Which is I think why he joins a gate team the same way Sam does while still being head of the Science Dept. He must make himself a irreplaceable asset the to mission or he could be shut out again.

Kavanaugh, is very much a early Rodney who has not had the life lesson of seeing people beyond the science. As is typical of engineers in my experience he also gives off nurodiverget vibes. To me it reads as some level of Autism in his focus on black and white rules, inability to take social cues even when they get increasingly pointed, and focus on technical problem.

Regardless like Rodney did in SG1, Kavanaugh's problem solving was not wrong in the end it just lacked empathy in that saving everyone was not the first goal. It was a good episode because yes it did give this perfect parallel of how Rodney was able to help SG1 save Teal'c but only after offering solutions that would cause him to be shunned and eventually forced out of Atlantis.

I do appreciate that the writers after spending that much time making us hate his character did show that later when he was working on the Waystation and I think the Daedalus it did look like Kavanaugh had grown as a character and had a decent working relationship with those around him. The growth allows people to see that there is more going on overall then just first impressions and typecast characters.

Stargate Atlantis | 1x04 Thirty-Eight Minutes

[ravensvirginity]

How would you sum up the differences between raven and her toon adaptation?

There are several differences between NTT Raven and the toon adaptation, to the point that they're almost two completely different characters. I have A Lot of thoughts on this, but to sum it up:

Style:

NTT Raven isn't at all any kind of goth girl. Although she still has the dark spooky aesthetic, her cloak is a soft blue and when she wears civilian clothes they tend to be more preppy and pink. Toon Raven has a very goth aesthetic, even though she's never really shown wearing civilian clothes.

Personality:

As a consequence of the kids show formula of the toon, toon Raven's personality is much flatter and less layered than NTT Raven's. Her personality is mainly being a sarcastic goth girl. Of course, she cares deeply for her friends and has the usual Raven inner conflict of not wanting to be like her father, but most of the time, she comes off as a mostly normal teenager. She does have to be careful and meditate to control her emotions, especially anger, so she doesn't lose control of her powers, but it's off much less significance than NTT Raven's power control issues.

NTT Raven was raised extremely sheltered on Azarath, and taught to suppress every emotion lest she release Trigon. She's convinced she can't feel any emotion, positive or negative, or it could put the entire universe in danger. Of course, she isn't truly emotionless, just extremely suppressed. NTT Raven's personality is also much softer than the toon version's. She has a strict moral code she adheres to, and even though she can be a bit standoffish and cold she's deeply compassionate. She also has trouble understanding social cues and generally acts strangely.

Demonic side:

Toon Raven does have a demonic side, but it's brought up much less and is a much smaller concern than NTT Raven's. Toon Raven meditates to control her powers and there are a few episodes where she loses control and her demonic side lashes out, but there are never any serious consequences to this and she always regains control fairly quickly.

In NTT, controlling her demonic side is a serious concern that causes the majority of Raven's conflict. Her powers can destroy the universe if left uncontrolled and Trigon is constantly trying to make her lose control. In the toon, Trigon only wants Raven to be his portal to Earth and doesn't care about her beyond that. In NTT, Trigon wants Raven to rule beside him and act the way he does. NTT has a much harder time controlling her demonic side and much more fear about releasing it, which leads to her being so repressed.

Powerset:

In NTT, Raven's fighting style primarily comes from her soul-self. Nearly every time she attacks her enemies it's via her soul-self enveloping them. She can also heal by drawing another's pain into herself. She can dimension-shift (not teleport, she insists that there's a difference). She can also sense emotions and draw information out of people, as well as being able to know when someone is lying. She can also manipulate someone's emotions and make them fall in love with her. In her demon form, she has a much more aggressive powerset like causing people to get sick and just outright disintegrating them. (@/danny-chase has a great post about NTT Raven's powers!)

Toon Raven mostly fights via telekinesis, a power that NTT Raven doesn't really have. She does have a soul-self, but it's utilized very infrequently. She can fly (so can NTT Raven but she does so pretty infrequently). She can teleport, but rarely does. She can heal, but only heals people in a few episodes. She uses the mantra "Azarath Metrion Zinthos" to release her powers, and can have her powers disabled by being gagged. She's also shown in a couple of episodes to be somewhat adept at martial arts if it comes down to it.

In conclusion, NTT Raven and toon Raven are two very different characters. If you haven't ever read NTT, I highly recommend checking it out for NTT Raven!

[mangora]

I could write a whole essay on Cameron but his story is such an autistic experience. A child sheltered by his mother, who believed he was incapable despite him clearly being able to to many tasks just in a different way than others. Once he goes into the “real world”, he’s ridiculed for not picking up on social cues (Ex: embarrassing himself with the whole coddled by his mom thing because he didn’t know it wasn’t normal), as well as for not being able to complete tasks many other people could (ex: physical challenges). He has notable comfort objects (his bubble, to the point where he has to wrap himself up at night to mimic the comfort of its space), has outbursts when he’s upset (yelling when things seem illogical, yelling and running off when he feels he’s become the new Lightning), has unwavering special interests (butterflies in his bio and tape, which makes sense symbolically) and is good at memorizing and relying on concrete ideas such as numbers/statistics, has trouble with empathy at times (ex: when he upsets Lightning by winning by climbing on his back, when he causes Scott to panic when dangling him over Fang, when he doesn’t understand why Mike can’t tell Zoey about his DID and suppresses his alters; this one also goes hand in hand with his concrete ideas as most of his ways of ‘helping’ Mike come from what seem to be medical journals or a DSM like criteria/research manual, as in he mostly recognizes things by doing things like human watching and connecting them to reading over either glazing over it or automatically recognizing it with things like instinct), and often misses jokes (ex: Chris’ joke about blowing a raspberry being a sign of respect where he replies “no it wasn’t?”). Also in a bit of a stereotypical realm, in his bio he seems to enjoy more childish movies and foods, which may clue in to the fact that he 1. Has safe or comfort foods that differ from the normal and 2. Has an immovable interest in things despite their age range, which arent always symptoms but definitely don’t take away from him being autistic coded. And he wears very “odd” loose and uncoordinated fashion, meaning he might be comforted by the texture or fit, or that he doesn’t pick up on what is normal to wear, or both, or neither and I’m just reading too far in to his wacky outfit design. Anyways this is a big reason Cameron’s ending in ROTI is so powerful to me. Not only is he autistic, but an autistic person of color, which is an even more marginalized group within a marginalized group; black people are notably under-diagnosed for autism. He overcomes barriers set for him by others while still not adhering to the norm (by using his intellect over strength in what is obviously supposed to be a strength challenge, systemically out of his favor). So yeah I think Cameron is pretty cool. Maybe I’ll make another post like this abt Zoey who,,,,also pretty autismcored ngl