#and normally only happens to young people as a result of intense stress or anxiety

[bywandandsword]

Something that I never understood was when something would happen to a fictional character that would lead to a large scar and the reaction of the character would vary between "I must cover up more to hide this hideous scar!" to "this is a physical representation that my body is no longer really mine" to "they are physical reminders of my trauma and a reminder that my live can never go back to the way it was before"

First off, scars are cool as shit, so jot that down

Second, where are all these characters' anger? Where's the idea that these scars are not just vestiges of a trauma, but proof that they survived the thing that gave them those scars and if they can do that what makes anything else think they stand a chance? This is their body, their life, and these scars are the claw marks of that which tried to take it from them and failed

Or even joy? The scars as proof that their life is better now. That what was hurting them is no longer there and the wounds they caused have been allowed to heal? They went through that and are marked by it, but now have the freedom to see what the rest of their life will bring?

[bansheeakastitchy-blog]

"A Life in Pieces"

This is my story—the story of my life, full of struggles that shaped who I am today. There are parts of me that people never see, parts that are buried under layers of shame, fear, and confusion. But no matter how much I try to hide it, my past and present shape my reality. Growing up with autism, developmental delays, and constant emotional strain, I've spent my life trying to fit into a world that doesn’t make sense to me and often punishes me for not being "normal." From a young age, I was pushed to the limits—without understanding, without support, and without the space to just be a child. I still carry those scars today, and it’s hard to shake the feeling that I’m always running behind, fighting battles I don’t know how to win.

Early Childhood Experiences:

Strict Discipline:

When I was younger, my parents were strict and used physical punishment as a form of discipline. Instead of teaching me right from wrong, I was spanked for mistakes, which only made me more confused and ashamed of myself.

I didn’t understand why I was being punished, and as a result, I grew up without proper emotional guidance. It messed with my ability to figure out how to navigate the world.

Trauma Around Food:

One of the worst memories I have is when my parents made me eat something I didn’t like. I refused to eat it, and instead of being taught to express my preferences or understand why eating certain foods was important, my mom brought down my grandmother’s laptop that was given to me by her. She had my dad snap it in half as punishment for me not eating.

This moment stayed with me, and now, as an adult, I struggle with unhealthy eating habits. I feel anxiety when it comes to food, particularly vegetables. I think this moment may have triggered an eating disorder, such as binge eating disorder, and Unhealthy food habits.  I also stress-eat to cope.

Sensory Overload and Abuse:

There was another time when I dropped something in a vent, and my parents got extremely angry. They forced me to pull it out, but there was a bug in the vent that I didn’t want to touch due to my sensory issues.

My dad screamed at me, and I was forced to touch something I found deeply distressing. This triggered my sensory issues, and that moment felt humiliating. It wasn’t just the bug—it was the way they dismissed my needs.

Hair Washing

One of the most traumatic experiences I had happened when I was around 10 or 11. I didn’t know how to wash my hair properly, and my mom got so mad that she threatened to shave my head off. Instead of calmly teaching me how to care for my hair, she resorted to punishment.

The fear of having my head shaved was so intense, especially because I knew kids at school would bully me if I showed up with a bald head. I bargained with my mom, promising to do better just to prevent her from going through with it. That moment stuck with me, as I was left feeling deeply ashamed of myself for not knowing something so basic. The trauma from that experience stayed with me, and I’ve always felt pressure to be perfect in everything I do.

Teenage Years and Growing Up:

Struggling with Autism and Developmental Delays:

I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome around 10 years old, but I faced so much resistance to understanding my diagnosis, especially from my mom. She didn’t accept the reality of my condition and instead, would blame me for not acting in ways that fit her idea of “normal.”

Being a girl with autism, I often felt invisible, as girls tend to get overlooked or misdiagnosed. My mom never took the time to truly understand what autism meant for me, so I was left to figure things out on my own.

Grounding and Lack of Understanding:

As a teenager, my parents started grounding me for small things, like being on my phone too much, instead of teaching me how to manage my time responsibly. When I was grounded, I didn’t learn any lessons. It wasn’t a lesson in time management or responsibility—it was just punishment.

My parents seemed to take away things, like my phone, as a way to control me rather than help me grow. It made me feel like I could never do enough, and there was always this fear of never being good enough.

Becoming an Adult:

Forced Independence:

When I turned 18, my mom stopped helping me directly. I was left to figure out everything on my own: applying for welfare, looking for apartments, trying to manage my life with little support.

I was a mess—overwhelmed with everything, but my parents didn’t offer guidance. They expected me to know everything and just “figure it out.” This left me with poor time management, procrastination, and deep frustration with myself for not being able to keep up.

Living with Stress and Uncertainty:

I’m still stuck in a cycle of uncertainty. My parents constantly threaten to kick me out, take away wif, all depending on whether I do what they want. I live paycheck to paycheck, with no ability to plan for the future or enjoy my life.

They don’t seem to understand the impact this has on me. Every day feels like a battle to hold on to what little security I have left.

Ongoing Struggles:

Living with Emotional and Financial Stress:

My adulthood feels like it’s being stolen from me, just as my childhood was. I’m left to navigate a world that feels so isolating and impossible, without the help I need.

I often wonder if my struggles are even valid. I’ve been made to feel like my emotional needs and mental health are secondary, and that I’m just “weak” or “lazy” for not being able to handle things the way others do.

Lack of Support and the Pressure of Survival:

The constant struggle to make ends meet, the threat of eviction, and the ongoing battle with my mental health make it hard to breathe. I can’t even think about my future, because survival takes up all my energy.

I feel trapped in a life where nothing is ever enough—money, time, or emotional support. It’s like I’m living in a constant state of crisis, without a way out.

This is where I am now. My life hasn’t been easy, and I don’t know where the future will take me. But I hope that by sharing this, I can at least begin to understand my own journey—and maybe, just maybe, find a way out of the suffocating cycle I’ve been stuck in for so long. I’m not perfect, and I’m not ashamed of that anymore. But I deserve better than what I’ve been given, and I want to reclaim the parts of my life that have been taken from me.

[psychiatricspecialists]

What Is OCD?

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a pattern of thoughts, which are often unwanted, or fears (obsessions), which lead a person to perform repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Many times these compulsions become rituals, which “must” be performed. This behavior interferes with daily activity and can cause significant anxiety.

Ignoring or abruptly stopping these obsessions may increase your anxiety. For most, repeating these rituals is a way to reduce stress. The urges to repeat the compulsions ultimately comes back and thus repeats the cycle of OCD.

Common types of OCD may be with excessive washing of your hands, repetition in locking doors, constantly checking your phone (even social media). Many times the one suffering from OCD realizes it is a bad behavior and “not normal”, they may feel embarrassed or ashamed.

What are obsession symptoms of OCD?

OCD obsessions may be persistent, repeated, and unwanted urges, thoughts, or visualizations which are intrusive and cause anxiety. Ignoring them may not work and the person suffering may feel the need to perform a ritual (compulsive behavior).

OCD is typically broken down into several themes:

Fear of being dirty

Doubt and inability to tolerate uncertainty

Need to have order and symmetry

Horrible thoughts or aggressive behavior about losing control or hurting others/self

Unwanted thoughts, aggressiveness, sexual or religious compulsions

Obsessive examples may include:

Fear of being contaminated

Repetitive locking of doors, turning the stove off, switching on/off lights

Intense stress and anxiety when things are not ordered

Vivid images of driving a car into a group of people

Thinking of shouting profanity or inappropriate actions in public

Hurtful sexual images

Avoidance in shaking hands

What are compulsion symptoms of OCD?

OCD compulsive behavior is repetitive and makes the person feel compelled to perform. Performing the behavior or act (even mental) are done to reduce anxiety related to the obsessive thought or to prevent something bad from happening. Performing the ritual brings only temporary relief and brings no pleasure.

The excessive compulsions are not realistic responses to fix a problem.

OCD themes may include:

Washing or cleaning

Repetitively checking locks, lights, looking out a window, etc.

Continual counting

Ordering something which is already in order

Performing a specific routine

Asking for assurance

Compulsive signs or symptoms include:

Washing your hands to the point they become raw

Repetitive locking, unlocking, and locking of doors (to make sure they are locked)

Turning the stove on/off to make sure it is off

Counting in patterns (by 2’s, 3’s, 4’s, etc.)

Repeating prayer, words, or phrases

Arranging items in a pantry so they face the same way

Organizing your clothes by a specific pattern in your closet

When does OCD begin?

OCD begins (in most cases) as a young teenager or young adult, in rare cases it may start in childhood (10-12 years old). Symptoms of OCD may gradually start and may vary throughout life. Obsessions and compulsions may change over time (i.e. you may get rid of one only to generate another). OCD symptoms typically get worse when you experience stress. OCD is a mental illness, which is considered a lifelong disorder and it may be mild, moderate or severe to the point where it becomes debilitating.

Causes of OCD

Like many mental illnesses OCD may be the result of:

Biology – Changes in the natural chemistry of your body and/or brain functions

Genetics – Specific genes have not yet been identified, but Psychiatrists believe there may be a genetic component to OCD

Learning – A person may actually learn obsessive fears or compulsive behaviors from watching others

Risk Factors with OCD

OCD may increase with having a family history of OCD, experiencing traumatic or stressful events (which, may trigger intrusive thoughts, rituals, or emotional distress), other mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression, substance abuse or a tic disorder.

Complications with OCD

The biggest issues we see resulting from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, are:

Repetitive time performing ritualistic behavior

Having regret or realizing ritualistic behavior is inappropriate

Dermatitis from excessive hand washing

Inability to attend work, school, or engage in social activities

Causing stress in a relationship

Poor quality of life

Suicidal thoughts or behaviors

When to see a Psychiatrist?

There is a big difference in being a perfectionist and having OCD. OCD is not simply an excess of worry about problems – if affects your quality of life and/or disrupts others you should see a psychiatrist. There is absolutely no shame in having OCD.

[life-rewritten]

Lovely Writer (5-7)- The Fantasy of Love: The Search for Family, Freedom and Love

Wow it’s like I haven’t written in so long on here. You know this because I literally have to analyse and break down Lovely writer episode 5-7 and catch up before tomorrows episode, these episodes just by themselves are packed and full of depth and meta and it takes ages to comb through the information and present the results. But I’m back and I have so much to say, I feel so incredibly worried and scared for our babies as they deal with the villains of the show, but I also can’t help but swoon at the themes of the show, and why they’re important for representation in BL to be shown and discussed. Lovely Writer continues to be fluffy, cute BL on the surface but deep within a powerful medium for conversations about LGTBTQ representation and more. Isn’t it brilliant? And with two incredible Bl couples there’s so much to break down and analyse. So let’s break down the fantasy of BL love and why it’s a massive theme in the show.

Gene and His Fear

Gene’s reactions to people are in a way very similar to someone who is going through a stereotypical situation, and at first I didn’t understand why he had such a certain mistrust in people like for example although it was understood his fears and worries about Nubsib, he reacted in a way that seemed very extra and over the top in episode 6. The reason why this feels extra is because he made the audience feel like Nubsib must have been a horrible person to him in the past for him to go into a panic attack and break down over the fact that he lied about his identity and it is Sib. Obviously the reason why he was panicking is because he had realised he had fallen in love with Nubsib and he thought he was a victim of a practical joke wherein he fell hard but Nubsib’s feelings were insincere. It seemed like he felt scared like the one person he trusted and felt truly himself and comfortable with (who Nubsib always seems to be for him even in childhood) was fake and not possible path for him. This points back to the doubts and ideas Gene holds about himself, he doesn’t have social anxiety but he does have a form of discomfort that makes him feel he doesn’t belong with others, like he’s different, he’s ‘abnormal’ this points to his internalised struggle with his sexuality and being with his friends who want him to be truthful, it points out to his struggle with being imaginative preferring toys and childish games over the games his peers preferred at a young age, him being a BL author when normally it’s not written by men etc. He tends to want to hide and shield himself from others by entering his own imagination hence why he finds writing a safe space. The one person he found comfort in sharing all his fears with or embracing who he was is Nubsib, this is why his walls broke in shock realising that all Nubsib did was a lie. And really not going to lie Gene’s comments to Mhork about people assuming that because he’s a writer he’s an introvert did throw me, because I do see him as that, he has a lot of trust issues that’s what it seemed like to me, someone who doesn’t trust people, or like confronting or dealing with situations because he feels alienated or different from others, someone who doesn’t like being vulnerable with people because he’s afraid of it being used against him. That’s fine because when he’s angry at Nubsib those reasons make sense to me why he broke down in that way, it pulled on all of his hidden insecurities, all of his fears about never finding someone else that gets him, all of his worries that he was always being mocked or looked down upon that other people could tell he was different, that he was weird, that he didn’t feel comfortable with them.

 Because he’s meant to be like this when Nubsib’s truth gets unveiled, he’s going to be terrified, go through the panic attacks, go through the break downs and flooding of emotions that were hidden deep, this is why his reactions are extremely dramatic and intense.  That’s what I thought. But what Gene tells Mhok is that he only pulls away from people when he writes to focus, and that’s fine but it didn’t add up with how he acts with others when it comes to social situations, sure he’s polite, and sometimes agrees to go out and do something with others, but we can see he tends to feel stressed, uncomfortable and annoyed with how people behave, especially when it’s not what he feels like doing (this happens both as a child and also as an adult). The second confusing thing I had to process was that Gene is wealthy. I did mention in previous episodes that Nubsib and Gene have mirror characters with Hin mirroring Gene, and Aey mirroring Nubsib’s situation, however one of the differences between them and their mirrors is the idea of privilege and ease of life. Gene isn’t as desperate as Hin to be a writer because he doesn’t have to prove anything, he’s fully accepted at home, he’s immensely wealthy, has a writer mum to seek advise from, and most of his family support his dreams (will break down the father later), Hin has none of that, in fact he’s even more desperate to make it to writing by doing BL because he is suffering from lack of wealth and prominence in the industry. Nubsib is given semi permission to do whatever he wants, to change his name to do acting but he always has a place back home, he also as well has prominence and isn’t desperate either to have his acting dreams come through, because he can be protected and taken care of since he’s the heir of his father’s company. Aey has none of that, Aey’s family is toxic, forceful and abusive and he doesn’t have any choice but to cling to acting for freedom. You  seeing the similarities and use of mirroring in the show?

It’s really important because it again makes us understand why Gene and Nubsib are going to be probably victims of Hin and Aey who feel like they have no choice but to commit to their desperation and get rid of whatever will stop them. Gene and Nubsib don’t need to do that (though they have other problems) and instead actually take what they do a bit for granted, for example even if the BL industry is corrupted and Gene isn’t happy to write for it, he’s still making money, is being observed and talked about whilst Hin isn’t getting that and he wants to write BL authentically. It’s the same as Nubsib, although the industry makes him angry, he also takes for granted what he has, he’s not careful even when warned about how his actions with Gene could lead to the production of the show failing, he’s just set on Gene, again I agree with them but when you look at the fact that Aey has no choice but to be this way, to have the ship with Nubsib if he wants to survive and make it, Nubsib’s actions start to seem privileged, and selfish. This is why Lovely writer is a great show, none of the characters are all good, and none of them are all bad, it’s all about humans who have flaws and act like real life people with issues they need to grow from and learn from whilst dealing with the fear and pressure of the BL industry as a whole.

Again the villain of the show isn’t the characters it’s the industry its self, the system, the rules and the way things are done. That’s what the ultimate villains are here and also the traditional rules of society that entraps the characters (will get into this later).  Again the being rich and successful since his childhood might also explain why Gene doesn’t let people easily into his life, Gene may not trust people either because of his status, his family’s name, his reputation. Again it brings up the idea that he could be used when he’s vulnerable for something else and tricked and played with if people know his truths and insecurities and use them as weapons. You could also argue that Gene wants to run away from the rich things in life even though he is comfortable with how he lives (Plus he probably made enough money from Bad engineer to move out), it may also allude to Gene not wanting to be known for his father’s wealth and status, and the reason why he clings to writing so desperately is because he wants his own success, his own freedom, his own earnings from what he loves to do. One of the themes with all 4 characters especially Aey, Gene and Sib is Freedom, as much as ambition is important to them it’s because it’s the only way to get them to escape the life that they have been forced to grow up in  because of their parents, rules, obligations and demands. By finding their own paths, and clinging to it desperately they all find a space to breath, to be their true selves and have no chains holding them to other traditions, rules or jobs that they don’t want to be in.  

Fathers and their Traditions

Gene’s father seems like also a source of his insecurity in himself, he looks like he fills Gene’s head with worries and doubts and fear that he’s not doing what he’s meant to do. When the father suggests to Gene that he should return back home, I know that look on Gene’s face very well, it’s anxiety, worry and fake smile to find an excuse why that isn’t possible. Gene’s mind knows his father doesn’t approve even though he smiles and fakes his way of looking like he doesn’t mind who Gene is, what Gene does. But it’s starting to be clear the father is homophobic, in fact it’s so clear that he sends Gene of to boarding school when he’s 14 just because he thinks and fears that Gene may be queer, he also tries to bring Gene back home because it’s easier for him to stop Gene writing Bl then. In fact this is another theme of the episodes since we were introduced to Aey’s story, the mirroring of the fathers in the show. The fathers are starting to have a pattern, and it all points to tradition, obligations and conforming to societal norms.  All Nubsib, Gene and Aey have all ran away from home because of this pattern. They’ve all pulled away from their families to focus on their dreams, this also includes Hin though it’s unsure if his parents are as bad as the others or if they are supportive and understanding. Aey’s father is the most traditional and outspoken, hence he’s abusive, vile and obtuse with how he speaks to Aey. He chains his son down and punishes him because he tried to flee and find happiness and love (with a boy heaven forbid!) and when Aey’s lover wasn’t who he said he was, wasn’t faithful and and was a coward he uses that opportunity to constantly put shame and emotional abuse on Aey making him carry the burden and weight of the father’s manipulations, and making him feel alienated and alone with no one to trust. It’s disgusting and it was horrifying.  Now Gene’s father is different, also manipulative on the surface but doesn’t show it outright to his son who though has been imbedded with the same insecurities and self-deprecation when he thinks he’s not fulfilling what is seen as right/ traditionally normal.

This is probably why Gene does have these  secret avoidances of who he was for a while, because he already had a vibe from his father since the childhood days, he probably understood later that his dad intentions made him feel alienated from what he wanted to do, and what he felt comfortable with. This is why when his father keeps silent whilst others are praising his show, and book he notices but keeps silent, because he knows he will soon go back to writing in his own home comfortable and himself with Nubsib. Nubsib’s father is not yet introduced but from what we have heard of him, he also falls into the line of responsibility and obligation because Sib is going against his fathers wishes by choosing to chase after Gene and become an actor, he’s breaking away from the tradition in his family preparation to take over his father’s company. Likewise we see that when Sib was a child he was also like Aey abused by being forced to give into pressure of doing what is seen as right and appropriate for a rich child. He was abused by his piano teacher and his mum turned an eye, refused to listen to him and punished him each time he tried to be free from that. Again although Sib’s father isn’t there, his absence shows what his role is too, he felt just as stifled by his father as his mother and he wanted to get away from it all. Gene was his escape from that, from all the duties, obligations, and neglect. They found each other and both ran away to play in an imaginary world together,  this kickstarted Gene’s love for creativity and writing, but also kickstarted Sib’s devotion to Gene who paid attention and showed him love and care. So the parents are tied to this theme of entrapment, and force and order,  with closed mindsets, ignorance and old fashioned ideas about what real ambition is, they become obstacles to their children’s pursuit for purpose, freedom and love. They are also the second villains of the show because they represent that idea of society and it’s traditional conformist norms being a barrier to people’s liberty of self. A theme always readily explored in the BL genre.

MhokAey: Fantasy of Love vs Resentment of Trust

We need to discuss about Aey and Mhok. A lot has happened to them since I wrote my previous analysis. Including the whole reveal that what they are is more than just friends but it threads a line between unrequited and toxic requited feelings. There’s a lot of confusing feelings about them, a lot of angst and drama and hate and mistrust to do with their story. Mhok is at the center of this. I remember analysing his character using Bad engineer mirroring outline that he was like the character he plays Tawan, he’s also like a second lead romantic interest for Aey, he comes second but he’s devoted to making sure Aey is safe and he’s devoted to trying ensure Aey doesn’t snap or leave his humanity and morality behind. Mhok and Aey like Gene and Nubsib (surprise surprise they also mirror them, with same themes and ideas) have known each other since they were children, Aey was cruel and heartless at that time due to the pressures of the environment he was in (from the father’s pressure and Aey being submissive to his father’s wishes) because of this Aey seems to have been angry, hurtful and callous all the time, including to Mhok who watched him and feared for his state. However Aey later finds freedom and happiness as he falls in love with Time, Time makes Aey finally want to give up all the pressure and obligations and be himself, except Time wasn’t who he said he was and when Aey’s father posed an obstacle after Aey’s jealous sister outed him (though I think she’s not the only person behind this I’ll explain), Time ran away with the money they saved up and left Aey damaged, broken hearted and destroyed.

Sadly what happened next is Aey also found Mhok to be part of this family’s bretrayal, and so he avoided Mhok and thought Mhok is using him to try and be seen as a good son/son in law to his wealthy family. The reason is why would Aey think Mhok is to blame? Unless in doing something stupid as always to protect Aey, in maybe knowing Time wasn’t who he said he was, and in anguish of his unrequited love for Aey, Mhok is the one who outed Aey to Earn which then led tothe catalyst? Why not? We don’t know his role during the time, Time was in Aey’s life, for someone who seems utterly devoted and possessive and at times jealous about Aey’s love interests (this includes him being jealous each time Aey and Sib interact or kiss), Mhok in order to protect Aey, his goal by the way, probably told Earn to find a way to stop it from happening but Earn hated Aey and used it as an opportunity to kick him out and make him lose his beloved son status because she was jealous. This is why Mhok cannot speak up when the father berates Aey about Time because he’s the one who probably started it.

We see that for Aey’s safety and ensuring he doesn’t go too far with his anger and callousness, Mhok goes behind his back constantly warning others about Aey’s motives (this irked me because the way he describes Aey as like this monstrous scary creature makes me wonder why he would think Aey could trust what he sees in him as love). Mhok tells Gene to be careful of Aey, he takes the blame and says he would take the fall if anything happens, it shows that even though he says Aey is awful, he’s happy when Aey shows some sort of vulnerability or selflessness but it also shows he does love Aey unconditionally. But how can Aey trust Mhok if he is connected to the Time situation, if he doubts Mhok’s goals and he understands what Mhok thinks of him and says of him to others. Of course he wouldn’t trust Mhok because everyone makes Aey feel like a monster, his father does this every day, everyone says they know he’s awful, cruel and callous, they know he can hurt people, they tell him this, and Aey holds on to this, he believes this is how people see him and in order to survive and get what he wants he has to manipulate others and be seen as kind and vulnerable on the surface to not suffer the same pain he goes through with his family and the people who judge him on his past . See how Mhok’s unrequited love borders on toxicity as well?

In order to make Mhok suffer because of his thirst for vengeance, and his bitterness and pain of feeling betrayed by him Aey kisses Mhok and pulls away pretending to be unaffected. Of course he is like this, he’s filled with anger, hate and distrust of everyone his goal is to hurt the ones who hurt him even if he senses that there is an attraction, there is vulnerability and authenticity with himself when he’s with Mhok. There’s a weakness which is why he succumbed for a while with the kiss and the hug, Aey was in pain and some part of him trusted Mhok’s embrace, but it switched back because of fear. For Aey Love is a fantasy for him, because love has caused him nothing but pain, the only way he can use love now is to manipulate and escape the clutches of his family and survive and be free. Love isn’t the goal anymore, so he uses the fantasy of BL love which fans cling to, to make people love him, to make people praise him, and in order to do so he focuses on Gene as an obstacle to him and Nubsib’s fake relationship. Without Nubsib the show won’t be a success, if the show isn’t a success he’ll be seen as a failure and his father would be proven right, and without success he’d be left alone, tired, abandoned and betrayed. See why he’s more desperate than Nubsib when it comes to acting? Gene mocks BL and says it’s a fantasy of love, and with Aey he’s right, Aey uses the industry’s idealism of the corrupt fantasy of BL love to get his gain. But can you blame him? And is Mhok really doing right in his aim to protect Aey from going past the edge?

The reason why we get Gene’s mum talk about authentic LGBTQ movies and then have Gene say that BL shouldn’t be part of that is exactly what Tee is trying to call out as the director of the show. But Tee is using Lovely Writer to be a place for representation conversations, we have had conversations about internalised homophobia, coming out, sexuality, authenticity of relationships,  we’ve had consent shown by the main couple so Tee is very serious about representation and trying to make this show a medium where things are serious and done correctly. Yes Mhok and Aey are very toxic for now because even though they representing authenticity of love, because there is something they both can’t control that is connecting them to each other, they’ve known each other for so long and can’t help but be tied together because of those feelings. Mhok is devoted to Aey even though he acts opposite at times, but because he doesn’t know how to show love accurately, he fails repeatedly with how he tries to show love, trying to fit in the situation with logic but also trying to hide behind the scenes so he can keep an eye on Aey, on the situation, so he can have control over it. Mhok has certain stereotypical ideas about Aey imbedded from their childhood together making him know Aey is manipulative, cold and mean but despite the fact that he thinks this way, he just thinks Aey can have a chance to turn around and truly be happy by forgiving others and himself. Mhok knows he loves Aey for who he is but at the same time, he dislikes that Aey is morally grey and he wants to stop Aey from making more mistakes to himself, to protect everyone around Aey that may be hurt in the crossfire of his bitterness. Because Aey has been burned by the pressure and betrayal of the family dynamics he has, he becomes also without meaning to a version of the person he hates; his father, he becomes manipulative, sneaky, and aggressive with how he does things. It also makes sense that as he was suffocating when he was younger that he turned colder and meaner because he needed somewhere to let out the hurt and pressure of being the perfect child and perhaps Mhok really was hurt by this with that action. His character makes sense to me because it’s not okay but it’s understandable. Mhok knows Aey in and out, in fact he knows Aey’s family is toxic and so does what he does to show love by being  chameleon like and putting himself directly into the family, hiding to try and find a way to protect Aey from the dynamic, this is why Aey misunderstands that he’s trying to replace him and please the father, get into their good graces to take his place but Mhok is doing it for Aey.

The themes about trying to find out what’s authentic and what’s not, manipulation and masks in order to hide and be near the one they love mirrors Nubsib and Gene’s romance path too, this is why I said their outlines mirror each other, whilst Aey like Gene feels hurt by the fakery and feels mocked by the mask of Mhok/plans of Sib, Gene and Nubsib have managed to communicate and reach an understanding about the truth about their relationship.

The Authenticity of Lovely Writer

So there’s a theme/question about the fantasy of love for these two couples because at a point both Gene and Aey doubt that the love of their partners is real, they believe it’s a trick, fake, joke.  That they’re both doing this for power, to have control over their weakness and vulnerability to use that against them. Gene is weary about people but finds himself automatically willing to trust and understand Nubsib because of what he represents to him safety, comfort and warmth, and freedom. Aey on the other hand has become jaded with love and finds Mhok instead as his place to hold resentment, anger and pain for the past. No matter how much he wants to try and move on, try and hope for a better dynamic (as we saw he tried in episode 4),  they constantly shatter that hope and by episode 4 he’s done, and also includes Mhok with that memory. So Aey and Mhok are in a toxic state because there is no chance for communication, no revealings of truths, and Aey is in a broken mindset, resentful of himself, resentful of everyone, and resentful of love.

In a way the fantasy of love is a  perfect theme for Lovely Writer, since Gene is meant to learn that BL is only corrupt because own voices aren’t there to help write serious stories or avoid problematic tropes. As Gene falls in love with Sib, he realises that just because things may seem fake or shallow doesn’t mean that they are, you need to be open, to think about it in a different point of view, you need to also learn to accept the truths and overcome your prejudice and stigma with those things. It’s important to note that although Nubsib starts of using inauthentic means, his love for Gene is real, which is ultimately what Gene accepts in episode 7. It’s real and he should stop running away from what he’s feeling just because of old fears and worries that it’s wrong for him to be his true self and love what he loves. I hope we get to see Aey go through his own journey to this too, as he’s about to fall even more and regress with his anger and desperation, I hope Mhok does more than just sitting behind the scenes if he really wants his goal to be to save Aey from his self and resentment. Mhok needs to be braver, to show up and make Aey see the truth about what he feels, just like Sib did with Gene. Because at the end of the day if the love is authentic and true, Aey won’t be able to avoid the truth, Aey won’t be able to hide or run anymore like Gene was doing, Aey would want to start slowly hopefully stop seeing Love as just a fantasy but something real. Obviously we’re more half way through and this means the big guns are going to be out. It’s time to tackle the villains, to see them shed their skin and show their true colours, It won’t be easy and we may have some regressions because of fear but our couples will overcome it and find them selves through it, at the end of the day hopefully they end up getting their freedom, love and happiness. As for now I continue to love this show, and I continue to praise it’s depth and meta. Let me know your opinions on the episodes so far. What do you think about MhokAey and SibGene,who’s more pitiful? Let me know.

[zephyrshadoe]

So I saw a bunch of young adults exercising on the hill yesterday. They were all so fit and skinny and beautiful. I will admit to feeling jealous and depressed.

I decided I wasn’t going to let that control me and rather than being jealous I should actually do something to achieve my desired goals. So, the next day I got dressed, struggled for about an hour to leave the house (agoraphobia & PTSD), and went for a walk on the hilly road.

Andddd... was promptly reminded of why I don’t go out and try to exercise often. 5 minutes in and I couldn’t breathe (asthma). My airways were constricting and I couldn’t get enough oxygen. Had to sit down in the dirt on the side of the street and just wait it out and hope it didn’t get worse because I’d forgotten to bring my inhaler in my single-minded determination to leave the house. Luckily, I recovered after a long wait and walked back to the house at an old lady shuffle. (Btw I’m so lucky it didn’t get worse, I could have been in serious danger)

I walked back in to the house and immediately used my inhaler. I stumbled through the door to my room feeling defeated and depressed and really, really hot from exertion and stress. Oh no. I check, and yep. I’ve got a rash starting to spread across my chest, arms, legs, stomach and back (cholinergic urticaria). For some reason I had naively thought (hoped) it had disappeared. Kinda like a childish “I wished it was gone so badly it magically went away”. It didn’t. It was still there. And becoming more itchy and painful with each passing second. I knew the best way to head off the worst was to take a cold shower but I’d have to work to get past my fear of them. With a combination of anxiety coping skills, breathing exercises, and the growing pain from the rash I got in. It soothed the worst of it but I still had red bumps all over that would occasionally flare with itchy pain. (I still do now, cant wear a bra or underwear, only loose fitting baggy clothes)

With that semi emergency taken care of to the best of my ability I was able to reorient myself and realized my feet were burning. They felt like they were on fire (unknown maybe tendon, maybe arch, maybe other, problem). It was a tearing, burning, pain. I knew I couldn’t stand for long periods of time without getting it but apparently walking up/down hills makes it much worse because it didn’t normally get that bad, that fast and definitely surprised me with it’s intensity. I got some pain medicine and sat down and tried to relieve some of the pain by massaging them. I’m pretty sure it was a placebo and just made me feel better because I was doing something.

Finally, FINALLY, I collapsed on the couch upset and dejected and still feeling the physical reminders of my pitiful attempt. I felt depressed and heartbroken. Like a failure that just wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t do what those people I saw did. I would never look like those people did. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be like them. It was sobering.

With some time to process now, I realize I can’t compare myself to perfectly able bodied and able minded individuals. It’s only going to hurt me. And I need to remember that I have limits. And that those limits are very different from the average person. But that having those limits and following them doesn’t make me any less of a person.

Even as I’m typing it now, I don’t really believe it fully, but I want to. This post is a reminder to myself of all of this. And to hopefully not make stupid, self destructive decisions in the future that only result in me hurting myself. I also hope someone who struggles similarly or who feels similarly will see this and realize they’re not alone in their experiences, everyday battles, struggles, and feelings.

If you’ve felt something similar or had something similar happen and are comfortable with sharing, feel free to. I personally, am comforted by the thought that I’m not alone. That I’m not an anomalous broken thing to be hidden away. That I’m not isolated by experiences that no one else can understand or relate to. If you have any advice on how to deal with these feelings around limitations and lack of ability I’d also love to hear it. I am a struggle bug, struggle bugging through life and would love to meet other struggle bugs.

[kodoku-roxi]

Who are these 'Hunters'?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 23rd. 11:46 PM. A new face has appeared at Rainy Day police station. A young man from another sector who has been promoted after only 2 months after his initiation into police.

The young man was following Officer Daniel to show him the current ‘problems’ of the city. Daniel was a little stressed about the new kid; he saw only a child, most likely 21 years old, who had not learned how to tie his tie properly. Daniel opened his office door and let the boy close it. The officer was tired of the same rectangular room with an oversized desk with all sorts of things from coffee mugs to sheets and pens. He opened with a simple press of the ‘enter’ key all six monitors that were also on that desk. “Okay,” Daniel began to speak with a single clap of his hands, “do you see monitor one? Choose what you want us to discuss first.” At the last word, Daniel leaned against the wall with his hands in his pocket and let the boy decide. He looks at the young man as he analyzes the words and pictures on the screen in an attempt to find an interesting topic, at least this was seen from Daniel's perspective. “The Hunters?” The young man asks. Daniel opened the file that wrote ‘the Hunters’ and on monitor 2 were now shown 3 pictures, and on the right side of those pictures were their names ‘Smoke’, ‘Phantom’ and ‘Viper’ plus other short information. On the monitors 3 and 6, there was information about them. The other monitors had to be completely black. But monitor 4 had a picture, the name ‘Deadshot’ and the short informations about him, but below was a red-letter ‘Armed and dangerous’. “Tell me, kid, with who do you want to start? You have 3 people, the fourth person we leave at the end.” “What about Mr. Dread Man from here, it seems the most interesting and dangerous.” “Oh, truly interesting, young man.” Daniel smiled. “So he’s a cyborg. American. It will sound crazy but he is over 300 years old ‘cause from reliable sources, we know he participated in many wars.” “He was recruited and trained from an early age. He was the best soldier of the special forces. At the age of 24, he was seriously injured in an explosion and urgent intervention was needed for their favorite soldier.” “Going back to the present, we know that it is not good to anger him, I witnessed -unfortunately- at some of the results of his missions…” Daniel paused for 10 seconds and continued in a more friendly tone. “He still knows how to handle a knife or how to use any type of firearm. And he is damn talented at hand to hand combat, in short... He is a well-trained war machine. He is a perfect soldier… who.. has.. stepped on the wrong paths...” He was silent for a few seconds and then turned his eyes to the screens "Choose the next person." “Ok. Mmmm, I’d like to tell me what you know about the guy with the biker helmet, just because I’m passionate about motorcycles, but, first, tell me about Smoke.” Before the officer reacts, the boy adds: “Are Smoke and Deadshot brothers? I mean, they are very similar... only the hair is arranged differently. Why do you want to leave Deadshot at the end?” “Because his role in this group is unclear. Unlike the others, Deadshot loves to kill people. As he praises, he ‘didn’t miss a shot’. He has an... exaggerated.. deadly accuracy. As for nationalities... it’s just a suspicion. You know, both have a British accent… but…” Daniel suddenly stopped talking. “But?” “Nothing… it is not very important. Anyway, they are probably brothers,” Daniel laughed briefly and put his hand on his neck “At first -and I know this will sound weird- at first I thought they were the same person, but I finally convinced myself that they are different persons.” “Aha ,what about Smoke?” “About him. He is over 100 years old… Many saw him at different libraries or cafes, usually coming alone and then finding a lady to talk to. Fortunately, those ladies are not injured, killed or worse... He’s passive..” “Wait a bit,” the young man interrupted Daniel, “I didn’t know this group had a name. I mean, I was sure they didn’t have a name..” “Yeah, Jack, you’re right. We called them like that to be easier to talk about them.” The boy took a red pen from the desk and smiled, and with a happy voice said he likes how it sounds, just that he wants to cut that ‘the’ and leave only ‘Hunters’. For Daniel, Jack’s reaction was strange but it didn’t matter too much. Daniel continued: “However, Smoke is very skilled in hand to hand combat and with firearms. He prefers hunting knives or just fists because the alloy he is made can stop any bullet.. probably any bullet, we don't know for sure.” Jack leaned over the desk crossed his arms. “I understand. And what do you know about the leader? ” “Phantom, a good assassin, a good hunter. He has over 100 years. He loves explosives, yet often prefers to get close to his victims and execute them either with his knife or one of the swords he has.” “Those swords can cut through concrete and some alloys. He usually uses one sword, namely the sword that has two bells that he sometimes has tied to his right hand and uses them to lure his victims one by one.” “I have heard stories about his footsteps. That he can be either silent as hell or noisy, I don’t have much knowledge about it.” “Personal Information?” “Many sources say that he often attends places or clubs where illegal MMA matches are organized.” Daniel raised an eyebrow “This machine loves to fight.” At the last sentence, Daniel could hear a noise of discontent coming from Jack. When he asked Jack what happened, the young man said that the problem is far too complex to talk about it now. The boy was right. About illegalities in this city. It can be said that it is ilegal only if dozens of people suffer or die from that illegal activity. That is why the police couldn’t intervene every time. This fact made Daniel have terrible insomnia. Besides, more than half of the city police are corrupt. Rainy Day is currently a chocolate almost eaten by rats and covered with gold foil. Jack turned to the monitors for two seconds. “However, other information about Phantom?” “I don’t know much. I mean I know more about his old team... As I have seen, some were good people, but fate does not forgive anyone. There is no need to talk about them because they are dead.” “Anyway. I don’t know what his nationality is.” Daniel sighed. “I know that he is an alcoholic and often his performance suffers from this stupidity.” Slightly easy as he spoke he could see the face of the young boy changing. “That's all I know…” “Danny, to know, the alcohol has never affected my work.” Daniel could see how the boy’s tone changed to a slightly aggressive tone. “Jack.” Daniel said with a wide and forced smile. “Yes, Danny. I'm not a spy, stay calm.” “You read my thoughts now.” Daniel remained calm, he knew that he could do nothing. He recognized that voice. And a terrible anxiety overcame him. The room was getting smaller and darker. Was Phantom himself. “By the way, I’m from Romania. And I have 142 years. Smoke has 253, and he’s from Canada but moved to London, UK. He is registered in both countries. Also, Deadshot is 192 years old.” “And about Smoke and Deadshot. They are not brothers. Deadshot is a totally different person, who appeared in Smoke's mind after being strongly hit and left unconscious, and when he woke up, well.... wasn't him.... was Deadshot- Ok, I can’t explain this…. Oh, and we fucking hated Deadshot…” He paused and left the red pen on a document on the table. Document that should not normally be there. “But now, it's your turn to ask questions.” Daniel felt compelled to speak: “Why are you doing this?” The officer received a lengthy monologue about how crimes cannot be stopped and that it is better if all the dangerous people are controlled. All he could understand from the boy’s words was that they are good people who do bad things, but not for their own comfort, but to alleviate the disasters that bad people cause every day. Daniel couldn't believe how many disasters were avoided when Phantom and his old group were the strongest and when they could control anyone. He closed his eyes and pondered intensely at all the information that Phantom was telling him about the city police, and refuses to believe that everyone has connections with all those bad people. Daniel opened his eyes. “I understand that you came here to blackmail me to help you with all this masquerade, right?” “No Danny, I don’t want to hurt your honor, plus I'm not the kind of person to do that. At least not to people like you.” The boy took the sheet on which the red pen was placed, letting the pen fall to the floor. “You have gathered some information about Viper. Information that was not to be found. And he asked me to get rid of them.” And then Daniel watched as the boy took a lighter from his pocket and set the sheet on fire. “You see, he is a good friend of mine, and I would do anything for my friends, including accepting compromises such as getting rid of innocent or good people.” Daniel kept his eyes fixed on the red pen on the floor, while Phantom kept talking. “Unfortunately, some information must be kept secret. It’s a shame. Many policemen will die today.” That was. He tried to focus only on the pen on the floor but had not succeeded for long. “Oh, that reminds me!” Phantom exclaims. Then Daniel looks up and watches as the person in front of him suddenly changes his appearance. And then Daniel saw Phantom. A black mulched blouse and some black and white camouflage pants take the place of the police uniform, and a bayonet was fixed on the left leg. At the waist was tight a belt with two smoke grenades and 4 bags. He didn't have his swords, but the bells were tied to the wrist of his right hand. Daniel noticed that Phantom was not wearing his helmet, and then he could finally see his face. He could see his black hair. But he couldn’t see his eyes. It took him a few seconds to realize that a gun was pointed at him. And from the moment he noticed this, the whole room had disappeared. Now, he only saw the gun. His mind was completely empty. And then he had heard Phantom’s voice: “I’m sorry. You’re a good man. And that’s why you finally deserve to rest.” And in the next second, Daniel took his eyes from the gun aimed at his head and looked at the boy, and then he heard a loud sound followed by a short buzzing- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thank you for reading~ And.... I'm sorry for my English Have a nice day~ (if you see any mistake please let me know) ^^

[scripttorture]

Sleep Deprivation

It’s really past time we talked about sleep deprivation. It’s a mainstay of modern torture and it’s been used for hundreds of years.

It’s also one of the clean (non-scarring) tortures that’s most regularly dismissed. The damage it causes is downplayed. And we often don’t even recognise it when it’s shown in fiction.

Sleep is a physiological need, like eating, drinking and breathing. Deprived of it we start to become ill and eventually die.

I’m breaking this down into sections, we’ll start with ‘normal’ sleep, talk about what sleep deprivation does to physical and mental health and then talk about how torturers deprive victims of sleep.

I’ll finish up by talking about how the long term symptoms of torture can impact sleep.

How much sleep is enough and what is normal sleep?

There is some variation in sleep patterns between individuals but if you let someone sleep for as long as they like most people sleep for around 7-9 hours a night. When we’re ill we tend to sleep more.

If you plot life expectancy against average hours of sleep a night you get a sort of U shaped graph. People who routinely sleep less then 7-9 hours a night have shorter lives and so do people who sleep more.

But there’s no evidence that sleeping too much actually causes poor health. People who sleep more on average may have underlying health conditions that shorten their lives.

And we have a lot of evidence that sleeping less causes poor health.

Sleep is divided into two types, REM and NREM sleep. That stands for Rapid Eye Movement sleep and Non Rapid Eye Movement sleep. Most people know REM sleep as dreaming sleep. Both are essential for human health.

All animals that have been tested sleep but only birds and mammals have been shown to dream. There’s also considerable variation in how long different species need to sleep for, most animals seem to need more than humans.

We sleep in cycles, chunks of time roughly an hour and a half long when we go through different stages of sleep. The initial cycles focus heavily on NREM sleep and as the night goes on we have more REM sleep, but every cycle contains a little of both.

The time of day we’re most likely to naturally fall asleep and naturally wake up varies with age in a non-linear fashion. Young children wake up early and tire early. Teenagers famously stay up late and sleep in late. The elderly wake up incredibly early and sleep incredibly early. This variation, along with individual variation, is thought to serve a protective function: humans are pack animals and varied sleep patterns within a group ensure that someone is awake most of the time in case of emergency.

It’s perfectly healthy for the time we want to go to sleep to vary, but the amount we need to sleep is more or less consistent after infancy.

Drugs, including caffeine, may effect our ability to fall asleep or our perception of how sleepy we are but they do not fulfil our need for sleep.

Keep in mind that even a character who is voluntarily depriving themselves of sleep will feel the effects. Repeated experiments have shown that we can be consciously aware we’re sleep deprived and aware of the effects of sleep deprivation but can not compensate for them.

Your character can’t get around the effects of sleep deprivation by willpower any more then a drunk can get around the effects of alcohol. Stimulants might keep them awake and raise their reaction time but they don’t effect other symptoms and may make some symptoms worse.

We need sleep after roughly sixteen hours of being awake. After that point our ability to function well starts to drop.

Effects of sleep deprivation

We’re still in the process of pinning down all the effects of sleep deprivation. Some of these effects are things we know happen but we don’t know why.

The more sleep deprived a character is the more symptoms they’d have, both physical and mental. Some of these symptoms are apparent after just one night of poor sleep (for the purposes of this post five hours sleep the previous night). I’m going to mark these early symptoms with an asterix (*) so you can easily recognise them.

Keep in mind that these effects are cumulative.

A character who gets into a pattern of not sleeping enough will get worse rather then staying at a steady level. The longer the character isn’t sleeping the more symptoms they should develop.

Physical symptoms

Shakes

Headaches*

Muscular pain

Increased blood pressure*

Reduced alertness*

Lower immune response leading to:

Increased infections

Longer recovery times

Longer reaction times*

Worse reflexes*

Lower natural testosterone levels and lower sperm counts

Abnormal menstrual cycles and lower fertility levels

Hunger*

Poor coordination*

Increased chance of accidents*

Subtle changes to physical appearance that cause a character to appear unhealthy*

Microsleeps (short periods of unconsciousness)

Psychological symptoms

Agitation

Reduced ability to interpret other people’s emotions*

Increased feelings of distrust towards other people*

Paranoia

Hallucinations

Increased chance of substance abuse

Confusion*

Memory loss*

Impaired ability to learn*

Increased risk of developing false memories

Suicidal thoughts and urges

Delirium

Markedly reduced concentration*

Consistently underestimating their level of impairment*

Impaired ability to think logically*

Increase in depressive and anxious symptoms, possibly inducing depression and anxiety

Reduced creativity*

Reduced problem solving ability*

Reduced ability to plan*

Increased risk of violent behaviour

Symptoms similar to psychosis in the long term

Long term effects

These aren’t symptoms exactly, these are a list of conditions people who are chronically sleep deprived are more likely to get. They develop several years later, usually in the 40-50s at the earliest.

Any amount of sleep deprivation is thought to increase the chances of these conditions but the longer and more consistently a character is sleep deprived the more likely they are.

Diabetes

Cancer (various kinds)

Heart failure (and coronary heart disease)

Strokes

Dementia, especially Alzheimer’s

Higher miscarriage rates

Vaccines may be less effective if the person was sleep deprived before the vaccine was administered because the immune response is suppressed. Research on this isn’t quite as thorough yet and it isn’t clear if the smaller immune response actually equates to less immunity against the real disease.

Sleep deprivation is also thought to increase weight gain. It makes people feel hungrier and crave unhealthy foods. While not nearly as serious as the other effects here it is a noted long term effect and as such I felt it needed to be included. Especially since there is a correlation between higher weight and sleep disorders.

How torturers deprive people of sleep.

Sleep deprivation is sometimes portrayed as a ‘modern’ innovation. This is untrue. Scottish witch trials used it heavily in attempts to force confessions and the Spanish Inquisition explicitly forbid its use (they thought the delirium and hallucinations would prevent victims from truly confessing and repenting their sins).

Not all of these methods would result in total sleep deprivation (ie absolutely no sleep in 24 hours). Some of them would lead to less sleep, poor sleep or disrupted sleep. This is still profoundly harmful.

Some of these methods could fit easily with a historical setting. Some wouldn’t. Some would work better in a pseudo-interrogation or forced confession scenario. If you’re planning on using sleep deprivation in your story pick a method that you feel fits your plot and setting best.

And if you’re not planning on using sleep deprivation but you see something you have used on this list take a moment to think about what you might be implying.  

Poor cell conditions including:

-Constant light

-Constant noise

-Insufficient room to sleep

-Wet cells

-Extreme temperatures in cells

-Lack of beds and bedding

Stress positions such as forced standing. These are generally used for between 24-48 hours continuously meaning they’re automatically combined with sleep deprivation.

Constant use of restraints, especially if the restraints stop the character from fully extending their limbs or fully lowering their limbs.

Forced exercise such as forced walking (this was used in Scottish witch trials).

Forced labour for prolonged periods.

Guards disturbing the sleep of prisoners. For example shaking people awake every few minutes.

Prolonged interrogation without rest such as relay interrogation. Relay interrogation involves switching interrogators regularly so that prisoners can be kept in interrogation for over 24 hours at a time.

Starvation, hunger reduces our ability to sleep well and get as much sleep as we need. When combined with poor cell conditions poor sleep becomes inevitable.

Denying medical treatment to injured characters.

Poor sleep in survivors

Most of the long term symptoms of torture have the potential to disrupt sleep.

Depression, anxiety, hypervigilance and suicidal thoughts can all prevent survivors getting to sleep and disrupt sleep.

PTSD often involves intense nightmares which can both disturb sleep and make a survivor dread falling asleep. The majority of PTSD sufferers have difficulty sleeping.

Chronic pain can prevent sleep and many of the drugs commonly used to treat it can also lead to disturbed sleep. Like commonly abused addictive drugs pain medication can lead to poor quality sleep.

This doesn’t necessarily mean every survivor will have trouble sleep or be sleep deprived. While a lot of people with mental health problems have poorer sleep not everyone does. Medication for depression and anxiety can sometimes help people sleep and this in turn can reduce the intensity of symptoms.

Think about the combination of symptoms you’ve chosen for your character and consider whether they could lead to long term sleep loss.

Our need for sleep isn’t something we can debate, bribe or drug away. It’s a fundamental part of our biology.

Losing sleep is serious, being actively deprived of it is abusive. Be aware of what your story is doing and be prepared to show the consequences.

Sources

Why Torture doesn’t work: The Neuroscience of Interrogation by S O’Mara, Harvard University Press, 2015

Why We Sleep by M Walker, Penguin, 2017 - This book contains references to a lot of sleep research papers and is a very good introduction to the subject. Walker and Jagust conducted research together on the link between lack of sleep and Alzheimer’s. He also recommends D Dinges’ (University of Pennsylvania) body of work on sleep and concentration, response time and car accidents.

The Mystery of Sleep by M Kryger, Yale University Press, 2017

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[starshinebakery]

Starshine Bakery has collected a good chunk of info on AGERE, DDLG, etc. Over the many years of it’s running! We decided to make this a reblog incase people wanted to share the info, point out where we went wrong, what we should add, etc. Please be advised that these definitions can be changed with new info in time. Please feel free to request more defs.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THESE MAY HAVE SOME TRIGGERING WORDS SINCE WE DISCUSS DDLG AND AGERE!! 

『❀』AGERE     

❥Age regression is a coping mechanism where someone regress or goes into a younger state of mind to cope with trauma, stress, or simply for fun! It's non sexual and not kink. Not under the BDSM umbrella!

『❀』DDLG      

❥Under the BDSM umbrella. Sometimes uses Ageplay to roleplay relationships between a parental unit and a child. Many different names are under it such as MDLG, DDLB, MDLB, and CGL. DDLG cannot be nonsexual due to it being under a kink community and has been kink for 10+ years. 

『❀』CGL      

❥Under the BDSM umbrella. Considered the gender neutral of all the BDSM communities under the DDLG and Age Play banner. It is considered kinkster and many of its tags prior to tumblr bans were filled with NSFW and BDSM community cross tagging. 

『❀』CGLRE      

❥Cglre is the age regression counter part of CGL. CGLRE is the gender neutral and also where CG dependent regressors express themselves. Many communities refuse to interact with Cglre due to the cross tagging that BDSM communities do with Cgl. However, CGLRE is a completely valid portion of AGERE. However, the OG pages have seen changed tags to avoid cross tagging.

『❀』Dreamer/Age Dreaming/Pet Dreaming/Agedre      

❥A practice/headspace/experience that is highly diverse. Much like dreaming when we are asleep. Headspace used when they feel as though it does not allign with traditional AGRE. Nonkink and nonsexual. 

『❀』Little/Age Regression     

 ❥Typically words used for a regressor. i.e. the person that is going into the younger state of mind. Not to be confused with sub or submissive which is from kink and BDSM

『❀』Switches      

❥Typically used in kink however over time AGERE have used it to identif someone who is both a caregiver and a regressor.

『❀』Caregivers/Mommy/Daddy     

 ❥Caregivers are the person who typically take care of regressors or enjoy being in a caring or taking care of mindset. Not to be confused with the kinkster portion involving dom. Which stands for dominate and takes from kink and BDSM.

『❀』Age Play      

❥Age play is where someone roleplays relationships between parental unit such as daddy/uncle/mommy with a child. Roleplay being of a sexual nature. It role plays the abuse, Incest, rape, and exploitation of young children. Which once you look at abstract is bad but when conducted between two consenting adults is 100% fine.

『❀』Regression      

❥Where someone regresses into a younger state of mind. It's a coping mechcanism and is completely nonsexual.

『❀』ABDL      

❥Adult Baby and Diaper Lover. Typically under the kinkster community and under BDSM. However diapers can be completely nonsexual. Not always in the case of this community who use diapers in a lewd sense.

『❀』Pet Regression      

❥Pet regression is like normal regression only someone regresses into a pet mind set. Like kitten, dog, ratties, etc. Our pet friends are completely nonsexual. Also used as a coping mechanisms!

『❀』Pet Play     

 ❥Pet play is where people roleplay being a pet but for a sexual purpose.

『❀』Non-Com AGERE      

❥These littles do not align themselves with any communities under AGERE, like our server. 

『❀』Com AGERE      

❥There a social media AGERE communities. While some harmless there are AGERE communities that dont allow CGLRE, Trans, other communities, or may have some tricky drama. (We are unsure at the time of this posting if they have disbanded, changed policies, etc.) It's important to research and look at the guidelines of each community before jumping in!

『❀』MAPs/Glovergender/Trans-age/etc.      

❥MAPs or Minor Attracted Person have many variants such as NOMAPs (non offending minor attraction person), SOMAPs (semi offending minor attracted person), etc. Clovergender/trans-age are people who identify as a younger age than they are and thus can be attracted to children/below the age of consent. Regardless of labels people use the are all the same thing in the end: pedophiles. Sometimes they try to interact with AGERE please be aware.

『❀』Dual      

❥Dual is someone who is both in AGERE and Kink. It's basically where someone within their private life or bedroom (being sexual) engage in DDLG. However, their coping mechanism or outside of it is nonsexual and AGERE. 100% valid!(edited)

『❀』Daddy/Mommy/Caregiver/Baba/Mama/etc.      

❥Not inherently kink terms. DDLG uses them yes but it's not suddenly kinky to call your CG Mom. Please don't harass people for using these terms. 

『❀』Hypersexual/Hyper Sexuality     

 ❥Otherwise known or assosiated with sexual addiction by the general public, "it is defined as a dysfunctional preoccupation with sexual fantasies. Often combo-ed with obsessive pursuit of casual or non-intimate sex, porn, compulsive masturbation; romantic intensity and objectification partner sex." (Source: Psychocentral) Usually hypersexuality is brought on by trauma or sexual assault. Some regs can undergo sexual thoughts or sexualize their own regression due to this illness. Regs like these are valid, they usually do not mean to sexualize their own regression, and do this in reaction to their pasts. We will direct them to other channels but please be patient with them!(edited)

『❀』P.E.A.R      

❥ P.E.A.R,aka  “pro-expression, anti-repression"  was a term coined by well known pedophile 4-lung. It's a new term used by MAPs and Pedophiles. They also use the  emoji or pear name to identify each other! 

 『❀』Impure Regression      

❥Involves someone who regresses and goes into a triggering space for the reg. This is not happy regression but can be important to those experiencing it. Through impure regression people have the ability to observe and deal with it in a safe environment so people can deal with it outside of regression. It can be triggered by depression, anxiety, trauma, flashbacks, mental illness, etc. It's entirely involuntary and something that just happens. This usually results from past trauma and can involve sexualization, panic attacks, fits, crying, flashbacks, etc. w/ regression. It is 100% valid! Please keep it in Big channels though!

Please do not redistribute these within server or copy and pasting this info without asking. It took a very long time, experience, and research to find all this information! We have had issues in the past regarding this. If you steal this content without asking we will insta blocklist your server!

[godnovan]

𝙼𝙰𝚃𝚃 + 𝙷𝙸𝚂 𝙵𝙴𝙰𝚁𝚂 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙿𝙷𝙾𝙱𝙸𝙰𝚂

tw: abuse, drug mentions, parental neglect, suicidal ideation 

𝐀𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓:  Probably Matt’s biggest fear and struggle, Matt is terrified most of being left completely and utterly alone. His friends leaving him and him being alone for the rest of his life. Matt’s father left him before he was even born and his mother continuously enters and leaves his life. This is his harsh normality. And this resonates with him deeply despite never talking about it. openly. It festers inside him in an unspoken and silent rage. Matt likes to keep his friends and family close and them leaving is something he can’t control and he despises. Matt’s lack of control of details in his life makes him a control freak when it comes to his friends and close circle. He hates being alone and a lot of the time, he has to be. It has been made clear multiple times in the show that reflects such. Matt will not complain about being left alone but he hates it. Matt knows people entering and leaving his life is naturally but he’s frightened to his core at the idea of everyone leaving him.  Matt’s popularity has no real tie to his emotional loneliness. He has plenty of friends but deep down, Matt’s subconscious has a fear of the temporary. That people he knows will never permanently be in his life. It’s impossible. And he hates it. 

𝐀𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐎𝐁𝐈𝐀:  This is a phobia Matt gained as opposed to was born with. Matt used to love swimming in the water. He’s also a trained lifeguard for the very sake of helping people when it came to danger in this element but this is a result of post-traumatic stress of when Elena and Matt were driven off Wickery Bridge. Matt doesn’t like being nearly or in large surfaces of water. It gives him high levels of anxiety and increasing paranoia of bad things happening and being helpless to them. It changed his outlook. He stops going to The Falls which is one of the biggest hangout places in Mystic Falls because of it. He doesn’t go to or sometimes flat out refuses beaches or lakes either. After the incident where he nearly drowned, Matt was riddled with nightmares about drowning, waking up from these dreams in cold sweats. So much so he decided he desperately needed to seek out a therapist. It’s a fear he eventually conquers but it took him a long time and he still has never fully felt comfortable in places with water other than the shower or a bathtub.  Matt’s feels guilty for the fact Stefan saved him and he fully believes that he should have died in Elena’s place. He felt unworthy of living since that moment. 

𝐅𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐔𝐑𝐄:  Matt has an intense fear of failure. It’s years of people thinking or telling him that he’ll never amount to anything great just like his mother, his sister or bad family reputation. This is particularly shown in Season 1 when Caroline calls Ben a washed-up old jock. You could see that he acknowledges that he could end up just like him and that his love interest would think of him as a failure for his line of work. It really upsets him.  Matt’s teacher Mr Tanner is also a big influence but he shrugs it off rather well. There’s an understanding that Matt isn’t particularly intelligent in class but that’s not true at all. His grades are not truly reflective of his intelligence as he works too hard in his other lines of work that school becomes secondary/tertiary. Matt wants to rise above everyone’s low expectations of him but often feels trapped in his place. Trapped his home town. Unable to escape. Letting his friends down is something he doesn’t ever want to do. And the feeling of when it happens is very powerful and all-consuming to Matt in generally. When Matt tried to kill himself, this was a big rushing though process and is still something he struggles with. 

𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐎𝐁𝐈𝐀:  Matt’s fear of tightly enclosed spaces, unfortunately, stems from a dark childhood Matt rarely ever talks about.  If Matt wasn’t being neglected by his mother, he was raised in dangerous home living environments.  In Matt’s younger years, his home life wasn’t as stable as it seems to be when the show starts. Before the series, Matt’s home life was much more chaotic. Matt’s mother would often invite the wrong people into her home and around Matt and Vicki and often at times, she would sleep with people for convenience, the things these people could do for her and her kids. Mainly putting a roof over their heads. Matt has moved home multiple times either from being kicked out by his stepfathers or being evicted due to unpaid bills. Matt was exposed to drugs at a rather young age with some of these bad stepfathers. And if Matt was caught doing something they didn’t like, physical punishment would often be taken out on him or his sister. With Matt, he was usually locked away in closets or in supply closest which only real his anxiety for small spaces as he was thrown there against his will. Matt likes bigger open spaces. An obvious example is the football field where he feels more relaxed than he does at home which is a small enclosed living environment.  Or even his best friend, Tyler Lockwood’s massive house where felt much freer. 

[drlaurynlax]

The Most Comprehensive HPA Axis Dysfunction Guide

HPA Axis Dysfunction affects many people and having the right treatment could help them live fuller lives.

Stress is “normal.”

…So is feeling imbalanced. At least for approximately 3 in 4 Americans who will experience “adrenal fatigue” in their lifetime, according to Dr. James Wilson, author of Adrenal Fatigue: the 21st Century Stress Syndrome (2001). 

Stress: Mental & Physical

Most people think of stress as psychological and emotional stress.

Technically, however, stress is defined as:

 “Any event in which environmental demands, internal demands, or both, strain or exceed the adaptive resources of an individual.”

(In other words: Stress is a demand on our mental or physical body that we can’t handle well). 

Stress (both mental and physical) is the “elephant in the room,” that sets the stage for all sorts of disease and health problems we experience in our lifetime. 

Common Stress

You and I encounter hundreds—if not thousands—of stressors in our daily lives, some that happen in the blink of an eye, and others that linger for years.

Common daily stressors include:

Gut-irritating foods, like chocolate-glazed donuts, beans or even difficult-to-digest raw broccoli in your gut

Getting stuck in rush-hour traffic

An e-mail exchange where the person’s tone on the other end seems tense

A spat with your significant other

Negative news headlines on our notifications throughout the day

Running late

Drinking 2-3 cups of coffee to tide you over after 4 hours of sleep

A 3 pm sugar binge when a sugar crash strikes

Accidentally overeating or feeling really hungry before a meal

Pushing ourselves hard in an intense workout

Feeling the crunch of a tight deadline at work

Lack of sleep one night

Saying “yes” when you really wanted to say “no”

Getting over-heated in the sun

Generally, daily, or “acute” (short-term) stressors are things we quickly adapt to—

If you get hot for instance, you naturally seek to cool your body off with some AC. If you ate too much, you may not feel like eating as much the next meal; or if your body is ‘stressed’ with hunger, you typically eat something to ‘adapt’ and calm the stress.If you didn’t get much sleep last night, you may try to find time to take a nap, or to get to bed extra early tonight.

With short term stress, your body and mind is innately wired to learn how to deal with the stress.

However, when stress lingers and remains (with little to no relief in sight)…

Houston, we have a problem!

Some examples of chronic—lingering—stress may include:

A rocky or strained relationship with a significant other, business partner or best friend

Financial pressures

An autoimmune condition—that won’t go away

Years of eating a processed food diet or disordered eating habits

Daily (constant) demands of a boss we can never please or a job we hate

Trying to do everything—and not being able to do any one thing really well

Not eating enough (every day), dieting or restriction

Drinking 2 to 3 cups of coffee (every day)

Burning a candle at both ends—every day

Sleeping 5-6 hours most nights

Staring at screens fo 8-10 hours per day

Overtraining (Chronic cardio with little to no rest for recovery)

Overwork and little to no play

Staring at computer screens while hunched over—every day

  Try as we may to adapt, relief doesn’t come, and if chronic stress persists, things go awry BOTH physically and mentally.

Hello SUPER STRESS!!!

Technically we call this “HPA Axis Dysfunction.”

HPA Axis Dysfunction 101

HPA Axis Dysfunction is another word for what’s come known as “adrenal fatigue” or “poor stress management” in laymen’s terms. Mental and physical stress triggers the hypothalamus in your brain to activate two distinct pathways of the stress response:

1.) The “Fight or Flight” System (“Sympathetic Medullary System”): the system the responds IMMEDIATELY to stress, like increasing your heart rate, blood pressure, alertness, and metabolic rate; and,

2.) Your HPA-Axis (Hypothalamic Pituitary Adrenal Axis): the “mothership” of all things stress related in your body.

HPA Axis Anatomy

The HPA-Axis involves three key parts of your brain and body: 

Hypothalmus. The region in your brain that controls the “automatic” (autonomic) functions like: metabolism, body temperature, thirst, hunger, sleep and emotional activity.

Pituitary. A “hormone regulating” gland, in your forehead, that helps your body feel, helps you manage stress, and stimulates growth, hormone balance, reproduction, and lactation.

Adrenal Glands. Two pea-sized endocrine (hormone) glands that produce a variety of hormones including adrenaline, aldosterone and cortisol (your stress hormone)

If your HPA-Axis takes a hit from LOTS of stress or chronic (ongoing) stress, then it leads to “HPA Axis Dysfunction,” resulting in an assortment of side effects, including:

Inflammation

Blood sugar imbalances

Most all disease: Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc.

Mood imbalances, like depression

psoriasis or eczema;

IBS, bloating, or other digestive symptoms

Brain fog 

Hormone imbalances

Infertility

ADD/ADHD

And (you guessed it) chronic—ongoing anxiety—that anxiety you seemingly can’t control, no matter how hard you try to think about controlling it. 

  “HPA Axis Dysfunction” is simply another way of saying, “chronic” stress.” Chronic stress is the root of all imbalance in the body. 

And tying back to our gut-brain-body connection, chronic stress often stems back to the gut. It’s all intertwined!

HPA-Dysfunction vs. Stress

But don’t we all experience stress in our lives? Shouldn’t we just be able to deal with it?

What’s the difference in every day stress vs. “HPA Axis Dysfunction?”

Good questions!

True, our bodies DO deal with A LOT when it comes to stress; and your body (and brain) can take A LOT (“bring it on!”). But when stress goes overboard, or lasts for a long time (without proper recovery) our body can only handle so much.

Example: the Poptarts and Cheetohs I ate daily as a kid, and artificial sweeteners and additive-filled protein powders I ate for years in college and young adulthood. 

The result from these chronic stressors in my life? Frequent bloating, constipation, bacterial overgrowth, and the anxiety I battled in my teens and young 20’s. My body was not designed and wired to eat Silicon Dioxide, aspartame, corn solids or high-fructose corn syrup.

Gone are the days of our ancestors who lived in the natural (toxin-free) environment, ate nutrient-rich foods, and spent their days in accordance to the rhythms of the sun. Eventually my repetitive poor quality foods led to poor gut health, which then led to stress and a variety of symptoms. 

Consider the variety of stress your own body encounters on a daily basis:

Working a job you don’t love, staring at a screen for 8-hours and staying stuck in your cubicle;

Barely getting 6-hours of sleep

Running off 2 to 3 cups of coffee every day

Eating ketchup, pasta sauce, yogurt and deli meat—laden with hidden sugar

Forgetting to eat, or subsisting off of chicken and broccoli—not eating enough

CrossFitting, spinning or running miles upon miles 5 to 6 days per week with little attentio to your recovery 

If this becomes your “norm,” that HPA-Axis of yours also takes a hit. And when your HPA-Axis takes a hit, a “normal stress” response no longer remains.

Cortisol Conundrum

Speaking of “normal stress, “ever heard of the hormone cortisol?

Cortisol is your “stress hormone” that helps you deal with “normal stress.” In the good ol days, it helped humans run really fast from bears chasing them in the woods; and it helped you “suck it up” when the mean girls left you out at the lunch table in middle school. 

Cortisol is directly produced and regulated by the HPA-Axis. 

Higher amounts of stress produce more cortisol.

If cortisol levels are constantly produced and pumped out (with little to no recovery or rest from the stress), then the HPA-Axis gets pooped out!  

And we are right back to square one: Imbalance and inflammation (think: mood swings, sugar cravings, racing thoughts, disrupted gut flora leading to disrupted serotonin in the brain, increased or decreased respiration rate, elevated blood pressure, etc.).

Without the ability to regulate stress (normally), your body and mind naturally become more sensitive and fragile to respond to even little stressors (like a loud noise, the lack of control, a comment someone said, the effects caffeine, etc.). 

Again: stress is more than just a mental battle, it is also a physical battle.

How do I know if I have HPA Axis Dysfunction?

It’s not always easy to “see” or diagnose—especially if your “subpar (stressed out) norm” has become your norm.

Common signs of an out-of-whack HPA-Axis include:

Anxiety—that doesn’t go away

Panic attacks

Feeling wired and tired at night

“Waking up” when you workout—and needing the highs of workouts to keep going

Plateaus in training, “gains” and physical goals

Muscle weakness or wasting

High or low blood pressure

Suppressed respiration (needing “more air” during training)

Subpar performance “Crazy fast” metabolism or super slow metabolism

Telling your body to “work harder” or “push more”—with difficulty implementing it

Digestion difficulties (bloating, gas, IBS, constipation)

Suppressed appetite

Hormone imbalances (low testosterone, loss of period, infertility)

Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar)

Unable to go long between meals without getting a headache/shakey

Dependence on coffee, sugar or artificial sweeteners

Never feeling 100% rested

Apathy and/or burnout

Feeling emotionally “flat”

Falling asleep if you sit anywhere for too long

Insomnia

Weepy for now reason

Inability to lose weight

Mood swings

Fatigue

Anxiety or Depression

Autoimmune conditions

Food intolerances

Headaches

High blood pressure

Low or high heart rate

Feeling dizzy when standing up

Inability to concentrate/focus or memory loss

Lyme disease

Catching colds, flus or illnesses easily

Not “feeling like yourself”

Skin breakouts or acne 

Feeling burned out or unable to do your usual basic “to dos”

Inability to tolerate exercise like you once did

Random allergies

“Diabetes” 

Thyroid issues/hypothyroidism

Unwanted weight loss and inability to gain weight

Feeling “wired and tired”

Shortness of breath

Hormone imbalances 

Apathy about my work

IBS

Poor workout performance

Electrolyte imbalances

  If any of these factors are ongoing (lasting more than 7 days), then it may be worth at least exploring if you could benefit from “resetting” your HPA-Axis (i.e. targeting stress).

What to Do About It

Address stress—the elephant in the room.

Not just mentally, but physically. 

Remember: While talking about your anxiety and counseling with someone around your anxiety can be two HUGE PIECES of the anxiety puzzle, if your physical well-being goes unaddressed (targeting stress reduction and improving gut health), then you are only treating half the “problem.”

How to do it? 

Here are some basics to start:

1. Assess Your Own Stress.

What are the top stressors in your life right now, and what stressors have you dealt with in your past? Surgeries? Medications? Light exposure? A job you hate? Food intolerances? Gut issues? Make a list of both psychological and physiological factors that may be contributing to your current state of stress.

2. Test Don’t Guess.

Many people read about “adrenal fatigue” or HPA Axis Dysfunction on Google and immediately turn to self-treating—buying supplements and tea labeled “adrenal support” at Whole Foods, downloading the Headspace meditation app, and diffusing lavender in the air. However, without understanding a full picture of the cortisol imbalance in your body (if at all), you may be under treating or over treating. For instance, your cortisol may be high or low, melatonin may be suppressed or perfectly normal, estrogen may be nonexistent or extremely elevated.

In addition, cortisol imbalance may be triggered by the gut, the hypothalamus or your thyroid, or a mix of all three. The problem is, if you treat your “issue” inappropriately you risk not getting to the “root” or potentially making the problem worse. A comprehensive saliva/urine test like the DUTCH test can help you get a clearer picture of your unique cortisol story. Consider working with a functional medicine practitioner to navigate test results, as well as address any other underlying health imbalances contributing to your condition.

3. Eat a Nutrient Dense Diet

Balance your meals with protein, healthy fats and moderate carbs. No extremes. 

Protein, particularly in the morning, has a balancing effect on blood sugar. 

Avoid foods with fillers, sweeteners and unknown ingredients.

For a time, avoid caffeine and alcohol. 

Prioritize clean filtered water (Tip: Add a pinch of sea salt to 12 to 16 ounces of water in the morning. Sea salt is a natural electrolyte to balance sodium levels). 

Also don’t neglect mindful eating (chewing your food well, slowing down at meal times, not eating on the go or while watching TV, etc.). Mindfulness is a game changing practice your body appreciates.Reset Your Circadian Rhythms

Eliminate blue light exposure at night (blue-blocking glasses, nightshift apps on your phone),

Get back to nature (aim for 30-60 minutes at least of fresh air)

Eat at regular intervals

4. Catch Enough Zzzz’s

Sleep at regular times (keep a schedule). Speaking of sleep is essential to just about every type of “wellness” protocol, but it is particularly essential for HPA Axis Dysfunction recovery. Prioritize 7 to 9 hours each night.

5. Move Your Body

Overtraining is a common cause of HPA Axis Dysfunction. Common signs of overtraining include difficulty recovering from workouts, increased gut issues or loss of appetite, a plateau or decrease in performance, increased body fat despite regular exercise and “eating clean,” poor sleep, restlessness, anxiety, fatigue, muscle or joint pain, suppressed immune system, and low mood.

The best exercise? In the immediate recovery period, opt for lower intensity exercise such as walking, cycling (not cranking up the notch on your spin bike), strength training, swimming, or yoga over high-intensity activities like CrossFit WODs, Orange Theory workouts or straight-up cardio training. Just Say No.

What’s filling your life and what’s draining you? Take a thoughtful inventory of what’s crowding your space. Cut out the things on your plate that are weighing you down.

6. Relax

As cheesy or overrated as it sounds, take time out to settle your mind and integrate mindful activities through mental and physical (intentional) relaxation.

Consider these:

Prayer

Journaling

Meditation (Try Muse, or Headspace)

Biofeedback/Heart Math

Yogi Breathing 

Yoga 

Tai Chi

  These are just a few ways people actively seek to “relax” more. Although it will probably be “awkward” at first, by starting small and prioritizing relaxation (even 5 minutes in the morning) make a difference.

7. Supplement Smart

A big mistake people make is taking random supplements that can actually make your adrenal fatigue worse, not better, if not careful. As mentioned, testing and not guessing helps prevent over-treating or under-treating with supplements. However, there are some natural and gentle supports for HPA Axis Dysfunction that can work for many people as your figuring out your unique picture including:

Liposomal Curcumin + Boswellia AKBA  

Lavender & Peppermint essential oils

Adrenal Calm Cream by Apex Energetics 

HPA Axis  

The post The Most Comprehensive HPA Axis Dysfunction Guide appeared first on Meet Dr. Lauryn.

Source/Repost=> https://drlauryn.com/hormones-metabolism/hpa-axis-dysfunction-guide/ ** Dr. Lauryn Lax __Nutrition. Therapy. Functional Medicine ** https://drlauryn.com/

[scentedavenuebear]

How To Live Heathy

10 Myth Of Exercising You Don't Know About

There are many misconceptions regarding exercise that exist today. Here are some of the most common exercise myths as well as the not-so-common facts based on current exercise research.

Exercise Myth 1. Low-intensity workout burns fatter

In general, low-intensity exercise has its place -- it's less stressful on joints. However, one should know that fat reduction depends on the total energy cost or how many calories are burned during the activity. The faster you move, the more calories you use per minute. However, high-intensity exercise may be difficult to sustain in the beginning, so you may not exercise very long at this level. In such cases, it is safer and more practical to start out at a lower intensity and to gradually work your way up.

Exercise Myth 2. Spot reduction works for tighter abs or toner arms

All those crunching may have been done in vain. You will not see a nice muscle definition despite how many crunches you do because it lays hidden beneath all the layers of fat. Thus, when exercising, do not focus on a body part. Whole-body exercises work better. This kind of thinking keeps a lot of people from maintaining or even starting an exercise program. Research continues to show that any exercise is better than none. For example, regular walking or gardening for as little as an hour a week has been shown to reduce the risk of heart disease.

Exercise Myth 3: Stretching will help prevent injuries

There is little evidence stretching prevents injuries. Current research shows that muscle stretching does not reduce delayed onset muscle soreness in young healthy adults. In another study, it is found that static stretching (staying in one place during stretching) lasting more than a minute can be detrimental to performance. Athletes often swing their arms and warm up before a game. That type of dynamic stretching such as high knee jogs, walking lunges can help move your muscles through different ranges of motions.

Exercise Myth 4. If You Exercise Long and Hard Enough, You Will Always Get the Results You Want.

In reality, genetics plays an important role in how people respond to exercise. Studies have shown a wide variation in how different exercisers respond to the same training program. Your development of strength, speed, and endurance may be very different from that of other people you know.

Exercise Myth 5. Exercise Is One Sure Way to Lose All the Weight You Desire.

As with all responses to exercise, weight gain or loss is dependent on many factors, including dietary intake and genetics. All individuals will not lose the same amount of weight on the same exercise program. It is possible to be active and overweight. However, although exercise alone cannot guarantee your ideal weight, regular physical activity is one of the most important factors for successful long-term weight management.

Exercise Myth 6. If You Want to Lose Weight, Stay Away From Strength Training Because You Will Bulk Up.

eAn Introduction To Interval Training

Interval training is the best workout for fat burning, where you need to alternate between a short burst of hard exercise and a short period of easy recovery. For example, after a 3-5 minute warm-up of moderate cardio, you'd do 1 minute at a slightly harder than normal cardio pace and then bring the intensity down to a cool-down pace for 1 minute. Alternate back and forth 6 times and then do a 3-minute cool-down. That is what interval training is all about. It's short, fast, and effective.

Studies have shown that interval training offers higher fat burning and weight loss than normal, slow cardio. In fact, not only does interval training work better for fat burning, but the interval training workouts are much shorter and require far less workout time than normal cardio workouts. However, many are reluctant to switch from ineffective cardio to fat-burning intervals as according to exercise machines (which are not even 100% accurate), a higher amount of calories is burned than the old way. They are also hung up on the marathon mentality of always having an elevated heart rate, which they think is the most important component of a fat-burning workout. But that is not true. Instead, the most important workout factor is how much "WORK" is done. If you increase the intensity of the work, as you do in interval training, then you will do more work and put more stress on the muscles. Heart rate goes up and then comes way back down during recovery. By doing so, more fat is burned. What one should know is that the heart rate need not stay constant for 30 minutes for that to happen.

One of the biggest problems many have with interval training is that they do not rest enough during the recovery period. Because they are addicted to an elevated heart rate, they skimp on the recovery, by either exercising too hard or recovering too little. This leads to a decrease in the intensity used in the work interval and that might lead to less total work or total fat burning done in that session.

Therefore, the quality and intensity of the work interval should play an important role when doing interval training. This is to say the only time exercising is mainly done during the work interval. On the other hand, during the recovery interval, one should go as slow as possible without stopping. This allows your heart rate to recover and for you to be prepared to work really hard in your next work interval. So an interval training workout is a time of extremes. You should be going at an 8/10 or 9/10 intensity level in the work interval, and dropping down to a 3/10 in the recovery period. To give you a perspective, a normal 30-minute cardio workout would be considered a 6/10 intensity level. Try it out yourself!

Fad diets: Do they really work?

The answer is simple...fad diets are not natural. It encourages fast weight loss (usually within 10 days to 1 month period) through unsafe and unrealistic methods. Besides, fad diets often exclude physical activity in the program, which is essential in the process of weight loss. Weight is gained right back after because people return to their old eating habits and lifestyle. One should be cautious of diets recommending a certain nutrient or combination of foods to encourage fast weight loss.

However, fad diets are popular because many of them do work for a short amount of time. Besides, many people prefer to try the quick fix of a fad diet instead of making the effort to lose weight through long-term changes in their eating and exercise habits. In many such cases, weight loss is due to the removal of certain types of food or whole food groups or focus mainly on one food in particular. All restrict food in some form, therefore fewer calories are consumed as one normally would. However, it’s likely that much of the weight you lose is from water and lean muscle, not from body fat. As a reaction to the starvation process, your body will start working in order to keep up with the energy needs. However, if fats are not burned and are avoided in the diet, the body will preserve the fat that it has in store. If this condition persists, stored fats will be burned and the dieter will start getting weaker and will not be able to perform his normal duties because it requires more effort and time for the body to produce energy from fat rather than from muscle. Also, most people are not able to keep up with the demands of a diet that strictly limits their food choices or requires them to eat the same foods over and over again. People who use fad diets usually end up gaining back any weight that they initially lost.

One must know that the first step in losing weight safely and permanently is to understand that there is no magic potion or quick fix to permanent weight loss. Lifestyle changes should be made that encompasses healthy eating (food containing an appropriate amount of vitamins, minerals, proteins, carbohydrates, and fats), consistent exercise, and eating food that is not conducive to weight loss moderately.

How To Breathe Properly For Good Health

Breathing is such a primary function for our survival that can be used to reduce stress and stimulate good health. Notice that your breath is fast, short, and shallow when u are angry, fearful, or under stress and how you naturally take deeper, slower, and longer breaths when you are in a peaceful and relaxed state. This is to say that breath awareness and conscious relaxation can enhance your ability to cope with life’s increasing pace and take control of all aspects of your health in general. Besides, deep breathing also enhances concentration and eases pain. Research has even shown that breathing correctly helps to burn fat, make your skin glow, and correct hormone imbalances in addition to lowering blood pressure, improving digestion and increases blood circulation throughout the body, and decreases overall anxiety.

However, many have adopted bad breathing habits and shallow breath without chest instead of without diaphragms. By changing breathing patterns and consciously breathing deeply into the abdomen, you can create a calm relaxed state from a stressful one. Deep breathing calms both the body and mind by slowing down heart rate and easing the nervous system. However, many people rush around, shallow-breathing their way through life and wondering why they always feel stressed, unwell and out of breath.

By learning simple breathing exercises and by becoming more mindful of the art as well as the act of breathing, you can do a power of good for your mind and body. It is recommended that you practice twice daily for a minimum of five uninterrupted minutes using the following steps:

1. Sit in a chair, with your back straight but not rigid.

2. Relax your shoulders and place your palms on either side of the abdomen

3. Inhale slowly through the nose, drawing air into the abdomen to fill and expand it and then up through your middle and finally expanding the chest.

4. Repeat 2-3 times.

Water The Elixir Of Life: The Benefits Of Water

Water is the elixir of life. It is recommended to drink 2-3 liters of water per day as it is the key to a longer, healthier, more vigorous lifestyle. 60% of the body consists of water and it is the main component of the human body. Tissues and organs are also mainly made up of water with the following percentages:

· Muscle: 75% water

· Brain: 90% water

· Bone: 22% water

· Blood: 83% water

The following are a few key benefits of water:

1. Losing weight

Water flushes down the by-products of fat metabolism in addition to acting as an effective appetite suppressant to reduce hunger. Besides, it has zero calories and is a perfect substitute for sodas and fruit juices as a thirst quencher.

2. Healthier skin

Water helps to replenish skin tissues, moisturizes, and increases skin elasticity. When skin is properly hydrated, a younger look will be produced.

3. Relieves fatigue and improve alertness

Water is used by the body to help flush out toxins and waste products from the body. If the body lacks water, the heart will need to work harder to transport oxygenated blood to all cells. This will cause exhaustion. In addition, the brain is made mostly of water and with enough water, alertness and the ability to concentrate are improved.

4. Helps indigestion and constipation

Drinking water raises metabolism as it helps in the digestion process. In addition, water with the help of fibers improves bowel movements.

5. Improves immunity

Water also helps in improving immunity in fighting against common diseases such as flu and other ailments such as kidney stones and heart attacks.

6. Reduces the risk of cancer

Several studies show that drinking a healthy amount of water may reduce the risks of bladder cancer and colon cancer. The theory behind this is that water dilutes the concentration of cancer-causing agents in the urine and shortens the time in which they are in contact with the bladder/colon lining

[buycbdoiluk]

14 Destructive Anxiety Disorders And Symptoms You Need To Know

Nearly everyone has felt anxious, scared, worried, worried, or panicky at one time or another. This is known as anxiety, and it's normal. It's how you manage it that matters. Anxiety can lead to anxiety attacks and is linked to many other life-threatening conditions. Education is key.

There are 14 main anxiety disorders that you should know about. These can have a devastating impact on your life and those around you. Most children, especially young ones, are afraid of the darkness. This childhood fear could become a phobia if it isn't addressed. Millions of adults are afraid of the darkness and cannot sleep at night. They have to wait for the sun to rise before they can sleep. If a child, or an adult, is educated in this field and gains confidence, then the problem can be solved.

There are many ways to describe anxiety. Anxiety has many faces. Webster's defines anxiety to be distress or uneasiness in the mind that is caused by fear of harm or misfortune. Research shows that anxiety can also result from overexposure to criticism or judgment. Another source describes anxiety as an emotional response to stress. It is the innate force that keeps us focused in stressful situations. It can even help us study for important exams.

Anxiety helps us cope with situations. The six-hundred million dollar question is: "Do you really want only to cope?" It is possible to develop a severe disabling disorder if your anxiety levels rise and the everyday stresses of life become more frequent.

Research has shown anxiety to be associated with hypertension (also known as High Blood Pressure) and many other diseases. There are many types of anxiety. It is often linked to hypertension but it can also serve to protect you from real danger and stimulate growth. Some anxiety is normal, according to medical evidence. Anxiety can become a problem if you react to situations that don't pose a threat.

Anxiety can take many forms: panic, fear, terror, alarms, anger, anguish and dread are just a few of the common anxiety feelings. You may feel dizziness or fatigue, racing heart beat, trembling and nausea, as well as dizziness, fatigue.

Anxiety can be as intense as lightning or as subtle and quiet as thunder. Anxiety can also be characterized by anxiety and chronic worry. You may also experience anxiety from minor problems or life's difficulties, such as losing your job, crashing your car, or falling seriously ill. Anxiety can be triggered by a major threat or it can occur spontaneously.

Anxiety is caused by overreactions in the first stage (or "fight or flight") of the body's stress response. Moderate to severe anxiety can be more intense and exaggerated. There's nothing to shame about if you experience persistent worry or inappropriate fears. It could happen to anyone. You don't have to endure it forever, the good news is.

These are some interesting facts about anxiety that you may not have known: * Doctors often hear anxiety in all its forms: fear, worry and muscle aches, pains, rapid shallow breath, fatigue, heart palpitations, headaches and other symptoms. Anxiety can lead to or worsen overeating, alcoholism, irritable stool syndrome, premenstrual disorder, and other medical issues.

* Anxiety is more common in women than it is in men. It isn't known if this is due to women being more anxious or men being more inclined to deny feeling afraid.

* Over 65 million Americans experience anxiety symptoms each year, of which 30 million suffer from a severe disorder.

* A quarter of Americans will experience mild or moderate anxiety over a two-week period in their lives. One in four Americans will have an anxiety disorder.

* A recent poll found that over 25% of Americans suffer from anxiety and chronic stress.

* Although anxiety will affect more people than any other mental illness, less than 25% of those affected will be provided with adequate treatment. This means that 18 million people will continue suffering unnecessarily due to a treatable condition.

Here are the top 14 debilitating anxiety disorders and their symptoms Here's a list of the most common anxiety disorders, and the symptoms they cause. These are the ones that impact millions every day around the globe.

1. Anxiety Attacks are a sudden sensation that a person feels like they're going to die, pass out, get crazy or have lost control. This disorder is known as PD (Panic Disorder).

2. Compulsions: These people have a strong urge to do certain things. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive disorder) is a name for this type of disorder.

3. Concerns about your appearance: These people feel that something is wrong with their appearance. BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) is the name for this type of disorder.

4. Obsession: These people have obsessive thoughts and feelings that are difficult to get rid of. They may be afraid of losing control, harming others, confessing a crime they didn’t commit, or being infected by germs or dirt. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive disorder) is the name for this type of disorder.

5. Chronic Worrying: A person who is constantly worried about their family, finances, work, health, and safety. GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) is this type of disorder.

6. Performance Anxiety: This person would be anxious or nervous performing in front of an audience. This disorder is a type of Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).

7. Test anxiety: A person with this type of anxiety will get nervous and freeze up when they have to take a test. This disorder is a type of Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).

8. Agoraphobia is a fear that something horrible might happen when they are away from their home. This disorder is known as Agoraphobia.

9. Public Speaking Anxiety: Being in front of an audience would make you feel anxious. This disorder is known as Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).

10. Fears and Phobias - This is a person who has a strong fear of flying, driving, spiders or blood, as well as getting trapped in small spaces. This disorder is known as "Specific Phobia".

11. These people are concerned about their health. This disorder is known as (Hypochondrias).

12. Shyness: People who are herbalsonlineshopee shy often feel anxious or self-conscious around others. This disorder is known as Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).

13. Shy Bladder syndrome: A person who is anxious about using a public toilet. This disorder is a type of Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).

14. People with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are plagued by disturbing memories of traumatizing events such as violence, death, or torture.

A committee of psychiatrists created this list of symptoms and anxiety disorders. They meet from time to time to vote on the most current version of the diagnostic criteria. Please remember that these disorders are not meant to be categorized as a whole. Many doctors believe that labeling different types of disorders is confusing and a little too arbitrary. This is the industry standard.

Research has shown that anxiety can be linked to many mental and physical conditions. Some of these conditions can even prove fatal. Studies have shown that anxiety is normal. It serves to protect us against real danger and stimulate growth. Regular exercise, yoga, meditation, and golf are all great ways to prevent anxiety from becoming a panic attack.

You will find a new way to live a life that is full of hope and not fear if you take a few moments each morning when you wake up.

The National Stress and Anxiety Prevention Center, (NSAPC) promotes total health - mind, body and spirit. We focus on the mental aspects, such as anxiety, depression and stress relief, but we cannot forget that God can do anything. Keep in mind that any activity outside your normal routine can challenge your brain.

Anxiety can't enter a world that is filled with fear and chaos. Instead, create a world where there is peace and tranquility. You cannot have tranquility and anxiety in the same place.

[olgagarmash]

You’ve probably heard that the coronavirus pandemic triggered a worldwide mental-health crisis. This narrative took hold almost as quickly as the virus itself. In the spring of 2020, article after article—even an op-ed by one of us—warned of a looming psychological epidemic. As clinical scientists and research psychologists have pointed out, the coronavirus pandemic has created many conditions that might lead to psychological distress: sudden, widespread disruptions to people’s livelihoods and social connections; millions bereaved; and the most vulnerable subjected to long-lasting hardship. A global collapse in well-being has seemed inevitable.

We joined a mental-health task force, commissioned by The Lancet, in order to quantify the pandemic’s psychological effects. When we reviewed the best available data, we saw that some groups—including people facing financial stress—have experienced substantial, life-changing suffering. However, looking at the global population on the whole, we were surprised not to find the prolonged misery we had expected.

We combed through close to 1,000 studies that examined hundreds of thousands of people from nearly 100 countries. This research measured many variables related to mental health—including anxiety, depression, and deaths by suicide—as well as life satisfaction. We focused on two complementary types of evidence: surveys that examined comparable groups of people before and during the pandemic and studies tracking the same individuals over time. Neither type of study is perfect, but when the same conclusions emerged from both sets of evidence, we gained confidence that we were seeing something real.

Early in the pandemic, our team observed in these studies what the media was reporting: Average levels of anxiety and depression—as well as broader psychological distress—climbed dramatically, as did the number of people experiencing clinically significant forms of these conditions. For example, in both the U.S. and Norway, reports of depression rose three-fold during March and April of 2020 compared with averages collected in previous years. And in a study of more than 50,000 people across the United Kingdom, 27 percent showed clinically significant levels of distress early in the pandemic, compared with 19 percent before the pandemic.

Read: This is not a normal mental-health disaster

But as spring turned to summer, something remarkable happened: Average levels of depression, anxiety, and distress began to fall. Some data sets even suggested that overall psychological distress returned to near-pre-pandemic levels by early summer 2020. We share what we learned in a paper that is forthcoming in Perspective on Psychological Science.

We kept digging into the data to account for any anomalies. For example, some of the data sets came disproportionately from wealthy countries, so we expanded our geographic lens. We also considered that even if the pandemic didn’t produce intense, long-term distress, it might have undercut people’s overall life satisfaction. So, members from our team examined the largest data set available on that topic, from the Gallup World Poll. This survey asks people to evaluate their life on a 10-point scale, with 10 being the best possible life and zero being the worst. Representative samples of people from most of the world’s countries answer this question every year, allowing us to compare results from 2020 with preceding years. Looking at the world as a whole, we saw no trace of a decline in life satisfaction: People in 2020 rated their lives at 5.75 on average, identical to the average in previous years.

We also wondered if the surveys weren’t reaching the people who were struggling the most. If you’re barely holding things together, you might not answer calls from a researcher. However, real-time data from official government sources in 21 countries showed no detectable increase in instances of suicide from April to July 2020, relative to previous years; in fact, suicide rates actually declined slightly within some countries, including the U.S. For example, California expected to see 1,429 deaths by suicide during this period, based on data from prior years; instead, 1,280 occurred.

We were surprised by how well many people weathered the pandemic’s psychological challenges. In order to make sense of these patterns, we looked back to a classic psychology finding: People are more resilient than they themselves realize. We imagine that negative life events—losing a job or a romantic partner—will be devastating for months or years. When people actually experience these losses, however, their misery tends to fade far faster than they imagined it would.

The capacity to withstand difficult events also applies to traumas such as living through war or sustaining serious injury. These incidents can produce considerable anguish, and we don’t want to minimize the pain that so many suffer. But study after study demonstrates that a majority of survivors either bounce back quickly or never show a substantial decline in mental health.

Human beings possess what some researchers call a psychological immune system, a host of cognitive abilities that enable us to make the best of even the worst situation. For example, after breaking up with a romantic partner, people may focus on the ex’s annoying habits or relish their newfound free time.

Lucy McBride: By now, burnout is a given

The pandemic has been a test of the global psychological immune system, which appears more robust than we would have guessed. When familiar sources of enjoyment evaporated in the spring of 2020, people got creative. They participated in drive-by birthday parties, mutual-assistance groups, virtual cocktail evenings with old friends, and nightly cheers for health-care workers. Some people got really good at baking. Many found a way to reweave their social tapestry. Indeed, across multiple large data sets, levels of loneliness showed only a modest increase, with 13.8 percent of adults in the U.S. reporting always or often feeling lonely in April 2020, compared with 11 percent in spring 2018.

But these broad trends and averages shouldn’t erase the real struggles—immense pain, overwhelming loss, financial hardships—that so many people have faced over the past 17 months. For example, that 2.8 percent increase in the number of Americans reporting loneliness last spring represents 7 million people. Like so many aspects of the pandemic, the coronavirus’s mental-health toll was not distributed evenly. Early on, some segments of the population—including women and parents of young children—exhibited an especially pronounced increase in overall psychological distress. As the pandemic progressed, lasting mental-health challenges disproportionately affected people who were facing financial issues, individuals who got sick with COVID-19, and those who had been struggling with physical and mental-health disorders prior to the pandemic. The resilience of the population as a whole does not relieve leaders of their responsibility to provide tangible support and access to mental-health services to those people who have endured the most intense distress and who are at the greatest ongoing risk.

But the astonishing resilience that most people have exhibited in the face of the sudden changes brought on by the pandemic holds its own lessons. We learned that people can handle temporary changes to their lifestyle—such as working from home, giving up travel, or even going into isolation—better than some policy makers seemed to assume.

As we look ahead to the world’s next great challenges—including a future pandemic—we need to remember this hard-won lesson: Human beings are not passive victims of change but active stewards of our own well-being. This knowledge should empower us to make the disruptive changes our societies may require, even as we support the individuals and communities that have been hit hardest.

via Wealth Health

[myectjourney]

ECT Evaluation & current my medication list (2/28/2018)

This post will go over the questions asked during my evaluation and parts of the discussion.

Duration of appointment: 1 hour 30 minutes (hour and a half)

*** TW suicide/self harm mention/questions regarding suicide/self harm. TW for detailed medical procdures and sezuires***

Current Medication List:

Lithium (For depression. 2nd time around with no results. After this evaluation, I quit.)

Clonazepam (For anxiety and panic attacks)

Propranolol  (For anxiety)

Zolpidem (For insomnia)

Evaluation (first appointment):

Doctor introduces herself.

We go over my intake form (which I filled out 2 weeks before my appointment. It included an extensive questionnaire.)

I was upfront about my diagnoses and that I was interested in ECT not TMS because ECT has a history of being more effective despite of there being more side effects. She did listen to this and didn’t bring up TMS at all during the evaluation.

She asked about my prior history with therapy. How long have I been in therapy and what for?

“Tell me about your life. How do you spend your days?”

I talked about how my illnesses have been getting progressively worse and how different drugs I’ve taken have effected this because of bad reactions.

I explained that I have had a lot of breakdowns. I classify them as “psychotic breakdowns” not panic attacks because I felt they were different from when I have panic attacks. She asked me to clarify my word choices, just so she could get a better understanding of what I meant by that.

She asked “How often are these kinds of breakdowns are happening?”, “How long do they last?”, “Explain what your episodes are like.”, “What causes these episodes?”.

Talked about personality disorders. We talked about how I am suicidal and how long I’ve been this way.

Talked about how many times I’ve tried to commit suicide. “How did you try to commit suicide?”

Talked about past history with self harm. “When you cut yourself, were you intending to harm yourself for some relief or to bleed out and die?”, “What stopped you from dying?” I explained that people came to my aid or there were times where I stopped myself because of my own fear of death. Even though I longed for it, I also fear it. “How many times have you stopped yourself versus someone stopping you?”. Some point between asking about suicide and self harm, I was asked “Have you ever been hospitalized?”.

“How often do you have panic attacks?”, “What does a panic attack look like?”

“Have you ever heard voices that weren’t there or seen things that aren’t there?”

“How often do you see your therapist?”, “How long are your therapy sessions?” “In your current situation you are having disregulation episodes which you are calling ‘psychotic breaks’ that are happening sometimes daily, or at least one a week in which you are pulling your hair, screaming, being disassociate and during these episodes are you trying to kill yourself or saying you want to kill yourself?”

To my partner who was in the room with me (my request): “How often does she talk about suicide?”

“How many of your suicidal attempts or gestures are caused by social stressers or fear of rejection?”

“Do you get into conflicts often in your relationships with people?”

“Do you have a bit of a temper?”, “Do you lash out at people you love?”, “How often do you find yourself making suicidal statements to others?”

She asked about a situation that my therapist wrote in her notes regarding a past experience that set me off.

“Have you done additional therapy for your agoraphobia?” I explained that my therapist and I have tried to get me into DBT but my insurance won’t cover it so it was no dice. We talked about how my social anxiety has gotten worse and the agoraphobia has been more of a recent development with the progression of my social anxiety and traumatic experiences. I also talked about how I think I have Selective Mutism which is brought on primarily through PTSD attacks (when I am triggered) or under immense amounts of stress.

“How is your thinking and memory?”

“Have you held a job at any point?”

Talked about my family and abuse I suffered through them and my lack of contact with them.

Asked about my medical diagnosis. I informed her I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

“Have you ever had a head injury, concussion, or seizure of any kind?” Nope.

“Any retinal detachments or metal implants in your face?” Nope.

“Any brain aneurysm, vascular clips in your head or neck, metal in your eyes, or pacemaker?” Nope.

“Any heart problems?” Not that I know of.

Confirmed where I was born and raised and who raised me (all questions answered on the intake form).

“Do you have any siblings?”

“How did you do in school?”, “What led to me not continuing my education?”

“Any religion?”, “Any military service?”, “Any legal problems?”

“How would you describe your mood today?”

We went over the meds I am currently on and my dosages. I told her that I won’t be on Lithium by the time we do the procedure. She said the lithium is less of a problem, I just need to be sure I don’t take it 2 days before we start the procedure. She was mostly concerned about the fact that almost all the meds I’m currently on are considered anti-seizure meds and a lot of them are highly addictive, especially the clonazepam and zolpidem. This is important because basically what ECT does is they induce seizures in the brain. This helps basically rewire your brain.

She informed me that LUCKILY they can reverse the effects of those 2 drugs with an antidote (pretty nifty) so they can get around that but she expressed concern that I might be “a little doped up”. I told her I was on a very low dose.

Talked about family history with mental illness. “Any one in your family commit suicide?” No. At least not that I’m aware of.

This is when we finally talked about diagnosis and treatment.

She said “Your diagnosis is relevant here because certain diagnosies respond better to ECT as compared to others. Based on your history, it seems like you have an expanding list of diagnosies and that can happen in psychiatry because they are checklist based and can be presented differently at different times. I think the over all picture is best captured by a personality disorder based on what you are telling me and that doesn’t mean you cant have ECT by any means but it does mean that there is a little more risk for you in a couple of ways. So people with a history with disassociation and a history of trauma, which very much goes with a personality disorder, have a harder time being put under repeatedly and hopelessness of ECT. It can be kind of re-traumatizing.”

She goes on to explain that there are cognitive side effects for people who have personality disorders (specifically similar to my symptoms), which can include something she called “Soap Opera” Amnesia where a patient will complete forget everything for a few days. It only has happened one in her experience but it was very scary for the person going through it and that patient did end up going to the hospital at some point. This wasn’t caused by the ECT though. Seizures do not cause this. This was basically psychosomatic; something this person developed as a result of the panic of being put under and having to go through that over and over again, hence why she disclosed this to me as someone with a personality disorder specifically issues with disassociation.  

She also explain that statistically, the effectiveness of ECT is a little lower for people with personality disorders versus those with just depression. It’s around 55% likely to be effective for people with personality disorders and around 87% likely to be effective for people who just have depression.

She said about a 3rd of people with just major depressive disorder that get ECT feel almost completely cured by it but with people with personality disorders, they might feel less suicidal and may be able to function better in day to day life but its way less likely to feel “cured” to that intensity.

We also talked about how she thinks I fit the description for BPD very much and that it looks different for different people. My favorite thing she said is that it doesn’t always look like “Girl Interrupted”. Luckily I already knew that and agreed with her on this matter. She talked about the stigma around it. Honestly, she was very understanding and knowledgeable (I mean, of course) but it was really nice to talk to someone who wasn’t bias about personality disorders.

Then we talked about the upsides and down sides of ECT in the most specific way we could.

Downsides being cognitive side effects, even if they are just doing the right side of my brain with pulses being as small as you can get and the dose being as low as possible, you can have cognitive slowing, feeling a little more spacey, attention is not “up to snuff”, and also short term memory problems. The most recent memories put in your brain are usually the ones that are effected first.

This can include the past couple week or months before the procedure.

During the course of ECT, 7-15 sometime 18 treatments, when youre having it 3-4 times a week, you might have trouble forming new memories.  It’s not that you won’t form any, just a little fuzzy.

All of things add up to a DRIVING RESTRICTION. They will not let you drive during the course of treatment. She said it doesn’t matter how you GET to the appointment but afterwards they will not allow you to take a cab/taxi, uber, lyft or by bus and you cannot drive yourself. You absolutely NEED SOMEONE TRUSTED/CLOSE TO YOU TO DRIVE YOU HOME.

ALSO, if you have a history of any heart problems, you are at risk of sudden death because when they induce the seizures, your blood pressure and heart rates goes up. For young healthy people, there is almost no risk of this happening.

There are the normal/common risk of anesthesia (Like waking up). They usually give you Brevital (which puts you to sleep) and Succinylcholine (to relax your muscles before the procedure). The muscle relaxant will stop your breathing but she said it’s nothing to worry about since they will be pumping air into your lungs manually via bag mask and will be closely monitoring you which luckily means no invasive breathing tube.Then they deliver the stimulus, which induces the seizure and then you slowly wake up after that. If the timing is wrong or the dosing is wrong, there is a SMALL but serious risk that you can wake up but still feel paralyzed. They monitor your heart rate and they try to make sure you are completely out beforehand but it’s still a risk.

The worst symptoms after the procedure is headaches and nausea, which they will usually give you medication for and usually is the worst after the first treatment.

You will have an IV in your hand, before you go in, the nurse will make sure you have not eaten or drank anything in 8 hours.

They will talk to you for a few minutes to make sure you are okay and know whats going on. During this time they will put the IV in and inform you if there is any changes they need to make with anesthesia, then they administer the anesthesia. They will then induce the seizure (they usually start with a right unilateral which means they just do the right side of your brain and can change it to a bilateral procedure which is both sides of the brain later in treatment if needed) and the way they tell if you have seizured is by:

1.) putting EEG leads on your head so they can see your brain waves and

2.) They use a blood pressure cuff as a tourniquet around your ankle to stop the muscle relaxant from going into your foot so they can see that foot have a seizure.

Afterwards, they roll you out to the recovery room where you come down from the anesthesia which takes about 20 minutes.

The medical work-up and requirements before you schedule the procedure is a signed document from your PCP (Primary Care Physician) which they fax over, bloodwork, pregnancy test, and an EKG test (they will need a physical copy of the EKG tracings).

-END OF APPOINTMENT-

I hope this is useful info for someone out there!

If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.