#and nobody shares the deets with new people

[theborzoiarebackintown]

What would be your advice to a prospective first time noodle horse human? I am looking to get a borzoi when I get my own place and wanted to ask your advice.

Woops idk how long this was sitting in my inbox but I missed it!!!

Okay I apologize if this becomes a novel. (It will)

First piece of advice, get a big ass yard, and strongly consider getting litter mates or two puppies around the same age. You’d be doing yourself a huge favor :P

Familiarize yourself with the breed’s health issues and decide what you’re okay with, because there isn’t a single line of borzoi anywhere that doesn’t have bloat or heart issues. There are levels to these health issues though. Some heart issues can seem scary but dogs live to old ages with them with no problems. Sudden death is the big bad, but isn’t as prevalent as some would have you believe. Every borzoi alive has relatives with bloat. Direct relatives (parents, siblings, I consider parent’s littermates direct as well) bloating are the riskiest, and multiple direct relatives is probably something to avoid. There’s a certain subjectiveness to all this as well, many people may not agree with what I consider okay and vice versa, so do your research and decide what YOU find acceptable.

A breeder with dogs/lines that have health issues isn’t inherently irresponsible at all, it’s what they’re doing to try and mitigate those issues that matters. It’s important to remember a lot of the testing we have now wasn’t available even 10 years ago, and a lot of people breeding borzoi have been doing it for 20-30+ years. They have generations upon generations of dogs bred long before echos, holters, or DM tests, were a thing, and have to balance pedigrees with health and structure. Don’t get caught up in what the internet says responsible breeding is, there isn’t a magical list of good or bad and every breed is different.

A breeder can also do all the health testing required by the OFA and not be responsible at all, health testing doesn’t mean they’re making responsible choices with the information that testing provides. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t do a co-own. I have tried and failed at co-owns with people I thought I could trust, but words are free and anyone can present themselves however they want and flip the script at any time.

Have patience!! Start following kennels and learning structure now. The longer you look at borzoi and the more you learn, the more you’ll know what style of dog you want. The dogs I started out liking when I was brand new are NOT the style of dogs I enjoy today. Understand that borzoi are a rare breed and getting rarer, but pet homes are incredibly important to most breeders and if you’re an appropriate home they’ll want to place a dog with you.

Coursing ability in borzoi is an absolute crap shoot and anyone who tells you differently doesn’t know shit. You can breed the top two coursing dogs alive and get zero puppies that’ll course. That being said, there are definitely show lines that do zero coursing and like what even is the point then lol but a lack of a field championship isn’t much of a negative in my book. If you want a dog that consistently courses, get a whippet. It’s even normal for borzoi that can and do course to not get their field championships. It’s very common for them to learn the game and start cheating, and be unable to finish. Bastards. So my advice is don’t get hung up about it I guess.

Uhhh what else umm Ivanhoe is a BYB even though to a normal dog person they seem pretty good, even titling their dogs in conf. these days.

You can spend lots of time with borzoi but you won’t know what they’re really like until you live with one. They’re hard to describe. Like every breed, there’s a range of appropriate temperaments. They should be quietly confident, neither overbearing or shy. I’ve found the average borzoi will seek out attention from strangers without forcing themselves on anyone, but it’s not rare for them to be aloof and not care about other people at all.

They communicate subtly, and it’s really important to approach borzoi with a patient, but firm, hand. They’re not necessarily soft, but normal temperaments won’t tolerate harsh treatment. They WILL hold a grudge and can absolutely sulk and pout lol They need consistently enforced boundaries but usually a stern tone is enough to communicate they shouldn’t be doing something. On rare occasion they will need a strong correction, but usually only once rofl oh something a lot of people don’t talk about is most males go through an asshole phase around 18 months and you need to be ready to nip that shit in the bud. I’ve seen males ruined because their owners didn’t work through it with them appropriately. They basically need you to take the lead, and prove you’ve got their back and they don’t need to be a jerk to protect themselves. Clear communication and consistent positive public outings are key 👍🏻 (that doesn’t mean every outing must be incident free, but that you work through any shitty behavior and set behavioral expectations while showing them nothing bad is ultimately going to happen)

They’re somewhere between a cat and a “normal” dog temperament, and I consider them to be primitive breed adjacent. A lot of people don’t get them, and don’t take the time to learn how they talk. A lot of people find them flat and lacking personality, but I find those are the same people who don’t have the patience to really learn their language.

Is any of this good advice??? Rofl good luck!!! I’m willing to discuss individual breeders privately, so feel free to DM.

[banavalope]

Hello, I'm a Homestuck and Good Omens fan and just saw your post about coffee. I came to the Homestuck fandom way late, though, and don't know what the coffee theory was. I was wondering if you'd be willing to share that story from the trenches if it's not too traumatic :)

I'll preface by saying, this all happened near about the time I began to step away from Homestuck, as this was late 2011 to early 2012. My recollection could very well be missing some juicier deets, because I always managed to avoid the worst of it. In all I had a pretty benign time floating about the Homestuck fandom, I'll say that. My knowledge is as a fly's.

If you want the short version: once upon a time, the Homestuck fandom was so stupid it had discourse over the way coffee was drawn in a single panel, because the stylistic choice used to show the way cheap potted coffee has that oil slick sheen on the top Really got the gamerz thinking Gamzee was putting troll blood in the coffee.

The long version is this: this Act was annoying. All the Acts had been annoying, there'd been rather more than six of them so far. The fandom's toxicity was at its most potent, and the main fandom exodus hadn't happened yet. But the stylistic choice brewing on page 4702 of A6I2 suggested a discourse was on the horizon, and it was the size of planet fucking Jupiter.

To understand the affairs of 2011/12 Homestucks, a few things are important to mention: first, nobody enjoyed Act 6. Ask anyone from the tumblr era First Wave, we all agreed that Cascade would have been a better place to start wrapping up the comic as a whole. When Act 6 opened introducing the alpha kids, a whole new plot derivative, and we all realized we'd have to go through the same slog again, that the story wasn't over, the collective exhaustion was palpable. SWATHS left unhappy; worse yet (for some), the alpha kids brought us away from the game of SBURB and the over-aching plot, to instead place our focus on their interpersonal relationships. It was a bad time to take your audience away from a well crafted climax.

Reading it now as a completed work makes this not so bad, because the book is wrote. You can consume it as a finished piece and clearly interpret a through line for yourself, start to finish. Skip it even, if you want. When you've no idea at what time the next update will come, while all the pieces remain necessary to tell the story, any pacing is bad pacing.

Second, while Homestucks are known for many things - all of them cringe - the one that goes overlooked most, in spite of the ripple effect we still feel from it today in every corner, is the sheer amount of over analyzing done to the story itself. Every panel, every inch of every pixel, was a part of a puzzle we all collectively made up. Theorizing was an integral part to the Update Culture era of Homestuck's fandom, that we Figure Out the Story, you had to be the one who predicted what came next. Impressive how none of us came up with some kind of fandom Nobel Peace Prize, for how much we lauded it as a lifetime achievement.

I'll give you, Homestuck does have a very rich narrative. Much of it, I'll favor, is even intentional. It made worldbuilding choices captivating enough to get people painting themselves grey, for fun, so surely it had a few right ideas in some places. And there's nothing wrong about analyzing your media, picking apart its references to tie together a background story, even if it's just one you make up based on how you experienced reading it. That's kind of the whole point of consuming art. It's to be discussed, share your personal conclusions on. Theory is the breath of creativity.

It's the whole part about wanting to be right, where Homestucks as a collective force wanted to start eating each other alive on the spot. We were fucking OBNOXIOUS with theory posting. I'll be honest with you, I really ate that kind of thing up, and even I was getting annoyed. People were beginning to stretch, likely to cope with becoming bored.

Finally, the sober Gamzee controversy. This came about a while before coffeegate, but the effect the inciting update had on Homestucks is comparable to a haunting. It was fucking chernobyl, and a bad day to be a nuclear scientist because now it was your problem. Vriska fans - equally insufferable, as we all were by some respect[1] - and Gamzee fans fought with each other VEHEMENTLY, just to see whos gang was better. Keep that in the background of your mind as the theme music to what's playing. Everyone was anxiously wondering what had happened to Gamzee, because for the last several some-odd panels, we'd lost the boy. He was full of murderous intent, we were down to precious few characters on the meteor left, and we'd lost the boy.

So here we are. It's 2011. We're standing now at the end of the world, we've lost the boy for several panels, and finally the plot is trying to move along. We're all tired, and irritated, and divorced, doing this song and dance one more time but god willing the LAST TIME, when a joke about the look of shitty potted coffee gets made.

And some harbinger of the fucking apocalypse takes to tumblr dot com, drafting up a post about how Gamzee - living in the meteor walls - is putting troll blood into the coffee. Because, otherwise, how is Kanaya as a rainbow drinker doing so fine? Dave called the taste metallic, like blood. Something something long forgotten theories about trolls blood here something something. People would chime in to say "that's just how coffee looks", somehow it dissolved into actual discourse of people violently discussing back and forth how it could ONLY BE BLOOD, because coffee drawn in a prior panel UPDATES AGO didn't have the film on top, only now AFTER SOBER GAMZEE. Etcetera. It was just the worst case of reading too hard into something that you done ever did see.

Shortly following this, many people who were already growing exhausted with Homestuck's narrative direction at this point decided to take this coffee theory as their sign the flood was coming and to board the ark or learn how to swim. Anyone who learned to swim subsequently left during the exodus of 2015.

Again, my memory is pretty hazy. Thanks to Requiem Cafe, surprisingly difficult to google these days. Certainly another old still following me will have something more to add that I'm forgetting, as your handy dandy unreliable narrator.

[1] Said the Eridan fan.

[iatrophilosophos]

Never accept cashiers checks, they are ALWAYS chargeback scams (nobody uses cashiers checks for real but when you're very new and fronting to more experience clients it gets weird, that's where the scams come in)

Don't sext/chat explicitly with FS clients before seeing them; flirt a little but get the deets hammered out fast

Legit clients RARELY send unsolicited pics, esp not hunky shirtless pics--I've had hunky real clients, but people who are serious about paying for your time aren't gonna try to wow you with how hot they are. You don't need to get your rocks off pretending to be hot shit if you actually intend to pay for that hot shit. (you might trade selfies for verification purposes, the point of these is that they're normal, cute but not professional/edited shots that aren't from a website or social media profile). Reverse image search pics of clients.

SET YOUR AGE OLDER if you are 18-22. It's not actually a draw for real clients, ppl can and do feel like they're being creepy about it and not engage, it just draws way more scam attention (I was constantly getting hassled being honest abt my age at the beginning of my career; towards the end I just put 24 and suddenly got way less timewasters)

The biggest scam in independent porn is, unfortunately, other content creators.

ESPECIALLY since the expected quality and general availability of online porn has skyrocketed in the past several years, it's really hard to make a living making content online. Most people who are successful now either 1) started back in the days of independent sites and were less beholden to algorithms while building their brands, or 2) had existing fame as influencers/streamers or just popular #hotgirl Twitter personalities, and thus already had a reach of hundreds of thousands of viewers who were thirsty for more parasocial engagement. Unless you're already famous, got real lucky, or are offering something that truly isn't available for free elsewhere (e.g. specific kink content, which is gonna require equipment, space etc that you might not have if you're just broke and need a gig), you're not gonna make big money. So, people get into the game, quickly realize this, and go pyramid scheme with it: they lie about how much they make and how good they are at working the algorithm and start offering paid RT groups, page management services, and that kind of thing. These will boost your metrics! They just won't get you actual individual clients buying custom content or sexting sessions etc (where the actual money is if you arent popular) bc your entire platform will be *other* content creators in the promotion ring. It's not a terrible idea to join some FREE groups and network to get work friends who will gas your content but like, watch ur fuckin back.

Don't buy into the kayfabe. People lie about what they make in public for the image, and/or if you're fat, disabled, etc Skinny Hot Bitches will give well meaning but honestly dogshit advice that they never considered applies to ppl with less body privilege. This is honestly worse in shared demographics, like fat ppl with more conventionally attractive curves not realizing the gap between that and fat w/ different shapes or scars (maybe this is out of my lane but I've witnessed trans girls in particular doing this to eachother, I think a lot of esp skinny, pale, non-scarred etc girls w big dysphoria don't necessarily realize how big a gap in conventional attractiveness there can be).

Flopping isn't about you or your personal worth. Entertainment industries are brutal: make yourself a character to play and separate your brand as A CHARACTER from your identity, personality, actual values, friends/social circle etc. so when you do have to take a hard look at what you're doing and why it isn't working, which you WILL have to do, you can do that to a made up person and not internalize nasty lessons about your own self.

Somewhere in the discourse of reducing stigma for sex work we've landed on covering up some nasty shit about the industry. Sex work IS real work: it's a shitty customer service job without guaranteed hours, pay, or a manager to shove annoying custies off on. Most sex workers are not classy bombshells getting flown to Dubai, they're people doing a side gig that kinda sucks; in the same way most actors aren't celebrities on the red carpet, they're working class people struggling contract to contract on bit parts, background work, and commercials.

If you have good improv skills, phone sex is honestly a better bet than doing porn! It's a lot more talking to people but it's a guaranteed rate per minute instead of making a bunch of content and seeing if it flops or not. If you've never done anything like it, it could be worth it to find a worker in a similar niche than the one you're interested and pay for a call to see what their technique and vibe is like. Marketing as a submissive is a little harder/gets fewer clients but is a lot easier work IMO because you basically just have to do folly and make noises while the client tells you fantasies, domming can be more interesting but requires more people skills.

To younger broke adults getting into sex work here’s some common scams:

“I’ll pay you $ every week for feet/genital/fetish pics” they start a long conversation about this. Then they convince you to send some sample pics. They will try to get you to enact their fetishes with promise of later payment. Then they cut and run. They will be kind, promise large things, but become aggressive when you refuse. Lesson: never give things for free unless you’re specifically doing it for marketing. Personalized fetish content should require payment upfront.

“I want to be your sugar mommy/daddy” These are insanely common and will use a variety of tactics. They prey on vulnerable broke people who are desperate for stable cash. They may try to use a BDSM dynamic to make you feel sexy and submissive. They’ll start a long flirty conversation that makes you feel good and desired and confident. Then they might send a link…. Don’t click it! Or they might ask you to “prove your loyalty” as their sub/babygirl/whatever. Proving your loyalty will probably involve sending them money in some way. The most common way is to buy a gift card and tell them the code. If a stranger ever asks you to buy them a gift card that’s pretty much always an instant block.

The same thing goes for “pay pigs”. There are very few people out there actually into financial domination. Chances are people promising you access to their bank accounts are liars trying to get dommed by a stranger, or scammers trying to get money from you.

There’s essentially two main categories of scams in sex work: 1. Traditional scams (trying to get money, personal info, account access) and 2. Freebie scams (trying to get your SW content for free)

Freebie scams can involve someone trying to piss you off so you curse them out and they can go jerk it to being rejected by someone hot. You can just block people being weird.

As a new or established SWer you literally don’t owe anyone anything unless they’ve specifically paid for a service you offer.

[donkey-hyuck]

— i tell all my friends about you, i don’t even care —

word count- 1.3k+

genre- boyfriend!au | high school!au | absolute FLUFF

pairing- baseball player!jeno x gn!reader

warnings- cussing | mentions of food (s’mores) | the most cliche plot ever

—————

jeno was whipped for you; absolutely fucking whipped. everyone knew that. your friends knew, your parents knew, hell, even the faculty knew. he was a shy little thing, and while courting you (if you would even call it that anymore) it made him even shyer than he already was.

the relationship between you and jeno was fairly new. you’d been together for about eight months. and the two of you had just been comfortable with the increasing amount of pda.

before confirming your relationship with each other, all jeno would ever gush about was you. he was pretty well-known in your school so everyone heard about the little thing he had for you, except— ironically— you. he ranted to his friends and even his coach as if they were his love therapist.

so when he finally had the courage to go up to you and actually hold a conversation, all you did was laugh in his face. and not in a mean way at all did you laugh, teasing him. it was more of just a laugh of disbelief. never in a million years did you expect the jeno lee to have a crush on you— some nobody. you weren’t mad about your status in school, in fact, you honestly couldn’t care less. but the reality was, jeno was confessing his liking towards you. in front of, what seemed like the entire school, in the hallways of your calculus class.

“i like you… uhm a lot. would you.. maybe…. like to go out on a date with me…?” his voice was quiet but his friends made sure that the kids surrounding them were quiet enough for you to hear him. the silence was broken by your stifled laughter which made jeno turn a bit pink and you then realized what it looked like.

you had nothing against the kid, you just didn’t believe him. throughout high school, he only ever had one other partner that lasted around a year and their breakup was a mystery. but that was another story for another day, plus it wasn’t your story to tell.

gasps were heard until you gasped yourself and waved your hands in the air, almost like a white flag.

“no!!” you shouted at first. then you realized that you were just as awkward as he was, “i mean. no, i didn't mean to laugh. i just… i didn’t expect you to tell me out of the blue. we barely even talk to each other and i guess i was just shocked that you’d ask me..” you trailed off your sentence. it made him laugh wholeheartedly, you were as cute as he thought of you in his dreams.

“so… is that a yes or a no?” he smiled at you, still as red as ever.

“it’s,” you looked back at your friend who looked at you with hopeful eyes. “i would love to go out with you, lee jeno.” cheers were heard from his rowdy friends as well as your rowdy classmates who just seemed to be in the right spot at the right time.

jeno smiled even harder at your response and hugged you. then thinking, he thought that it would’ve been quite awkward if he just hugged you after that whole scene. so he let go and held you by your arms before actually letting you go to grab something from his bag.

“uhm, here’s my number. i’ll text you all the deets later. and thank you.” your eyes opened wider, confused as to why he was thanking you. “for what?”

he smiled cheekily, “for giving me a chance.”

~ 8 months later ~

“yeah she’s the best thing that ever happened to me,” jeno sighed whilst talking to his best friends that invited the two of you to a bonfire. and as much as they loved how much jeno has changed, sometimes he gushed over you a bit too much. they rolled their eyes while groaning to each other. maybe you going out with him wasn’t a good idea after all. but then they looked at each other then over to the lovestruck boy. he was utterly in love with you, they could see it in the way that he looked at you.

you and jeno had been sitting side by side sharing a blanket, while the rest of the dreamies sat around you plus your friend that was able to tag along as well. all of your friends were sick of the two of you already and it hasn’t even been a year yet.

“we get it. you and y/n are together and in love. like a match made it heaven. you don’t gotta boast about it all the time,” complained haechan who was teased by the rest of the people surrounding the bonfire saying that he was just jealous of you and jeno’s relationship.

“i’m not saying that! it’s kind of annoying that they are the only couple yet we’re all here lonely and sad as fuck while they’re being all lovey-dovey,” he defended himself and complained some more which made the people laugh even more.

“hyuck it’s okay. we’re not even that lovey-dovey,” you snapped back, still laughing at the salty boy. but that remark made all of your friends go after you.

“puh-lease!” “i beg to differ!”

“quit lying!” they were all just teasing you but they kind of agreed with haechan, even if he was complaining about the two of you. it made you and jeno roll your eyes before declaring the arrival of the s’mores that mark and renjun went to go buy down the street at some seven-eleven.

the night air was quite chilly, so after you shivered a bit (and dwelled on the choice of shorts you wore), jeno looked over his shoulder, covered your legs even more with the blanket you two were sharing, and asked if you wanted to wear his zip-up hoodie. you replied with a shake of your hands but he declined to listen to you and wrapped it around your body. but after a few minutes of just speaking with your mutual friends, you noticed that he was a bit shivery because of the light wind that passed by. and as a result, it led you to try and wrap the blanket around his body as you clung closer to his arms. your actions made him smile (it reaching up to his adorable eyes) as he enveloped you tighter into his embrace and breathed in the natural scent of your shampoo.

jeno was so in love with you.

~ 2 years later ~ lol spongebob

he stayed completely infatuated with you years later. nothing much has changed besides your comfortability with each other. but you wouldn't ask for more. jeno was all you needed and you were all jeno needed.

as cliche and sappy as it sounded, the two of you made each other everything that you were and jeno was so glad to have asked you out when he did. he thought that if he didn’t, where would you two be now? still not engaging with each other? he didn’t want to think about it but whatever it was, his heart still beat as fast as it did when he asked you out that day.

you were thankful as well. jeno was your first real relationship and it already lasted this long. to be honest, you didn’t think a relationship that involved someone like you and jeno would work out. mostly because you two were shy and work oriented. but in the long run, everything turned out to be okay. in fact, everything turned out to be more than okay.

jeno was still as whipped for you as he was the day he realized he caught feelings for you. he was utterly in a protective and loving trance when it came to you and everything you did. sometimes, he would still gush to his friends about you, proud to show you off and tell everyone in the world that you belonged to him.

[sunsetinmyvein]

CLOSED (for now)

All right, all right, ALL RIGHT. PEOPLE. For the first time, I am taking requestsssss (so, let’s see if this goes well or not lol). @aphxsia‘s taking requests, @dot-writes is taking requests, everyone is taking them and I just felt a tad left out, y’know? I’ve chopped up a bunch of other prompt lists to throw together this lovely prompt list below at the suggestion of Dot. My general idea is: send me a character, and one prompt from the “dialogue” side as well as one prompt from the “context” side (or more if you have more that fit together in an idea, I suppose. But I need one of each to get a VibeTM) and Iiiiii’ll do my best to make it work within a character x OFC/Reader sorta thing. Oh, and send me an album era for added flair, if you’d like. Deets below the cut.

 I’ll write for:

-          The boys of Fall Out Boy

-          The boys of Panic! At the Disco (we’re talkin’ Ryan and Jon days)

-          The boys of The 1975

-          And, if you’re incredibly ambitious, also willing to give Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low a whirl

 Rules:

-          Can’t do smut (sorry, it’s just awkward and clunky for me to write and nobody wants that)

-          Won’t write characters under 18

-          Won’t write slash

-          I just kind of reserve the right to be like “I dunno what to do with this, sorry” (But I’ve curated this prompt list, so I should be okay lol)

-          I’ll get around to them when I get around to them - I’ll be writing them around The Radio Station being posted as well, so you won’t be starved for content.

  Dialogue:

·         “You’re not in love with them, are you?”

·         “I could literally strangle you right now and no one would stop me.”

·         “It’s not as bad as it looks.” - “You’re not very convincing.”

·         “You need to relax.” - “Relaxing is for the weak.”

·         “How long has it been since you’ve slept?” - “A week?”

·         “How the fuck are you still alive?” - “It’s a special talent of mine.”

·         “Can you please just listen to me for once?”

·         “I think this is a bad idea.” - “You think all of my plans are bad ideas.”

·         “You should really listen to me more.”

·         “Do I even want to know?”

·         “You have the cutest smile I’ve ever seen.”

·         “Just take care of yourself, okay?”

·         “Please don’t use cheesy pickup lines on me.”

·         “I like it when you’re romantic.”

·         “I’m going to be pissed if we get murdered.”

·         “How could I resist?”

·         “I’m sorry, I don’t speak dumbass.” - “Real mature.”

·         “You’re worth every scratch.”

·         “I could name about 110 things I love about you.” - “That’s oddly specific.”

·         “We can raise hell together.”

·         “Partners?”

·         “Don’t get too cocky now.”

·         “Fuck me.” - “Really?” - “No.”

·         “I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.”

·         “Do you trust me?” - “Should I?”

·         “Do you have any idea on how frustrating you can really be?”

·         “I really, really want to kiss you right now.”

·         “I think we got off on the wrong foot.” - “You think so?”

·         “I don’t think that cancels out.” - “It does in my book.”

·         “You’re being dramatic.” - “I’m not being shit!”

·         “Take a break.” - “I don’t need it.” - “You look like a fucking zombie.”

·         “Then we’ll leave. Just you and me.”

·         “Do you need help? - “No… yes.”

·         “I hate you.” - “I love you too.”

·         “You have something in your hair, umm… Do you want me to get it out?”

·         “It’s nice that your voice was the first thing I heard today.”

·         “No, like…. It’s just, I can’t believe you’re actually wearing my clothes.”

·         “Would it be too cliche if we matched clothes a little?”

·         “My friends get so annoyed by how much I talk about how sometimes.”

·         “Wanna, like– I mean, if you’re not busy… We could get lunch? Or even just coffee if you don’t have a lot of time?”

·         “Quit smiling at me, I can’t stop messing up my sentences when you look at me like that.”

·         “What are you smiling about?”

·         “What’s in it for me?”

·         “Could you say that again?” “Were you not listening?” “No I was, I just like hearing your voice.”

·         “You’re an idiot.” “But you love me.”

·         “Is that my shirt?” “You mean our shirt?”

·         “You come here often?” “Well considering I work here, yes.”

·         “Are you blushing?”

·         “Your hair is really soft.”

·         “You’re really warm.”

·         “You owe me.” “Fine, whatever you like.”

·         “I love you.” “Tell me that when you’re sober.” 

·         “I wasn’t lying when I told you that I loved you.”

·         “It’s pouring rain why are you here?”

·         “Is that blood?” “Yes, but that doesn’t matter right now, what does matter is-” “You are literally bleeding.”

·         “Cheers, I’ll drink to that.” “You drink to everything.” “Cheers!”

·         “Why is there a deer in the room?” 

·         “Is that vodka? At 7 in the morning?”

·         “Wake me up when it’s over.” 

·         “Why is arson always your first answer?”

·         “Are you flirting with me?”

·         “Are they really ‘just a friend’?”

·         “Is there a reason you never say my first name?”

·         “Shh… listen… that’s the sound of me falling in love with you.”

·         “I have to tell you something really important and if I don’t tell you now, I won’t get the chance.”

·         “Whatever he’s saying, he’s lying!”

·         “I play a mean air guitar, if that’s what you’re asking.”

·         “I thought you knew?”

·         “We can, y’know, go together? If that’s a thing you’d like.”

 Context:

·         I remembered it was Valentine’s Day late on my way from work and the only place still open was McDonald’s, is bringing you a cheeseburger acceptable?

·         I accidentally punched you in the face when I was too overexcited about something

·         The library’s pretty empty save for you and me and, OH that couple making out loudly in the shelves somewhere

·         You’re overdue on this book and I want it so I’m tracking you the fuck down

·         You give me a different fake name every time you come into this coffee shop and I just want to know your real name because you’re cute but here I am scrawling “batman” onto your stupid cappuccino

·         We live in the same block of flats but haven’t ever talked and Sunday morning we were both doing the walk of shame and had to stand in the lift together

·         “My shower’s broken but I’ve got a date tonight could I possibly use your shower please?” “Oh sure (neighbour that I’ve been crushing on for the past six months) of course you can use my shower to get ready for your date (fuck fuck fuck)”

·         You’ve got a date tonight and you asked for advice on what to wear but I’m so in love with you and damn you look good in the outfit I picked out for you

·         It’s my high school reunion and I need a hot date so I can rub it in the faces of the people who hated me

·         There’s a person who won’t stop bugging me will you pretend to be my partner so that they’ll fuck off?

·         I wanted to go on the Ferris wheel but there has to be two people to a cart come on random person let’s go – oh, wait, are we stuck at the top? Fuck

·         It started to snow and I’m the only one of our friends who would go outside with you – I soon found out why none of the others would go out in the snow with you when you shoved a handful of snow down my back and declared snow war

·         It’s nowhere near Christmas it’s literally still November would you calm down about Christmas wait no why are you getting the tree out – no, stop, please stop

·         You were waving at your friend behind me but I got confused and waved back at you and now I’m dying of embarrassment but you think it’s cute

·         I’m a waiter at this wedding and you’re a drunk guest who will not stop hitting on me please I’m trying to work no I can’t dance with you omg let me find you some water

·         You’re pretending to be your friend’s lover for the sake of the friend’s family. But, I’m their sibling. And I know you’re not dating.

·         You had an assigned seat next to them at a wedding for a mutual friend.

·         You accidentally sprayed them with yogurt when you opened the lid the wrong way.

·         They mistook your bowling ball for theirs in the shared ball return.

·         They caught you when you slipped on ice and nearly fell over.

·         Accidentally stepping on their heel in a crowded room.

·         Tripping while getting into your seat in the theatre and spilling your popcorn on them.

·         Accidentally opening a door on their face.

·         They cover the small amount of change you are short on for a purchase.

·         They see your ice cream drop to the ground and buy you a new one.

·         You walk out of a dressing room asking if the outfit suits you, but it’s not your friend waiting outside the room like you thought.

·         Sharing an umbrella at a bus stop as it rains.

·         You help catch their dog when the leash slips from their hand.

·         Texting the incorrect number but continuing the conversation.

·         Getting paired up on an amusement park that requires even numbered riders.

·         A friend of a friend needs a place to crash because they got evicted

·         You’re so sunburnt you can’t even more, do you need help?

·         I admit that sleeping on the beach wasn’t the smartest idea but someone buried me in sand please help me

·         I met you last night when you were drunkenly patting my dog in my backyard at 3am and when I asked you what the hell you were doing, you slurred something about dogs being great and then you threw up on my feet. Fifteen minutes later you were passed out on my couch so that’s why you’re here right now. What the fuck is your name.

·         I always see you eat breakfast on the train and you always offer me some

·         I’m waiting for the train and the only open seat is on a bench next to you. Okay, sure, I’ll sit down next to the very cute person and I JUST SPILLED MY DRINK ALL OVER YOU I’M SO SORRY.

·         I don’t know you, but I fall asleep on the train every ride home and you always wake me up because we have the same stop, but we’ve never actually talked. Then one day you’re the one falling asleep and I got so excited for my comeuppance I made us get off at the wrong stop.

·         My cat steals underwear and I come home to find you chasing my cat to get your underwear back.

·         We’re always making stupid bets like ‘bet you can’t drink this whole bottle of BBQ sauce’ but then you did and now you’re sick and I feel really bad. Let me look after you

·         Did you actually just blue shell me on our date you fucker

·         I beat you at Mario Kart and now I’ve been banished to the couch for the night

·         I’m calling to cancel our date because I’m actually in the ER right now, sorry. I mean… sure? I guess you can come down here but- okay…

·         I asked a staff member and they said you’ve been coming to the pound every day to play with the dog I’m taking home today and that’s why you’re getting weirdly emotional

·         It’s my turn to open up the café today and you were sleeping under one of the tables when I came in, and I don’t know what to say so I’m just awkwardly sweeping around you

·         I’m drunk on public transport and you’re high and we both keep looking at each other knowingly.

·         You’re mowing your lawn at 5am and that is completely unacceptable and I’m going over to your house to yell at you about how unacceptable that is.

·         It’s like 3am and my roommate locked me out of the house and I forgot my keys and I’m really drunk and please take pity on me and let me crash at your place for the night o’neighbour of mine

·         We decided it would be fun to go camping and now it’s raining and we can’t figure out how to set up the tent.

·         I know it’s probably poor taste to ask you out during your relative’s funeral but I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again, so…

·         It’s raining. I’m walking home in this downpour and have no umbrella. I’ve taken shelter on a random porch in the hopes that the rain will let up, but the door behind me had just opened

·         You’ve got a big, lush pool and I overheard you say you were going out of town, so I snuck over to use it but you came home early

·         You’re having a BBQ in your backyard and it smelled really good so I crashed the party

·         Not trying to make a scene here, but you took the last pool floatie and I want it

·         This is a big beach, why do you have to build that sandcastle right next to me?

·         You tried to grab the exact Halloween costume I want and it’s the last one and I want it.

·         I pranked the wrong person on accident, I’m so sorry I thought this was my friend’s car.

·         We just wanted to do one of these awful, fake ghost hunting shows but now shit is happening and we don’t know what to do.

·         I tried to take a shortcut and ended up stuck in this damn fence and you just happen to pass by and after poking fun at me for a million years you finally help me.

·         Two strangers locked inside the store at 3am together.

·         I accidentally broke your nose in a moshpit, sorry.

·         You’re the bastard who keeps parking in my spot so I retaliated by keying your car and you caught me

·         This is a long plane ride. You’re stuck next to me, and apparently afraid of flying.

[thebibliomancer]

Dark Crystal Age of Resistance ep 8 liveblog

“Prophets Don’t Know Everything”

That’s a funny line considering that the prophecy was exactly right in the Dark Crystal movie but Aughra comes up with another prophecy in the sequel comic which is also exactly right but she doesn’t understand it herself until it starts coming true. So, yes, prophets don’t know everything. But prophecy probably does.

Just a stream of thoughts.

Hey, this is a bummer. Aftermath of spider eradication of an entire gelfling tribe is a huge bummer. I’m brave enough to say it. 

Aughra starts yelling at the spider that tried to take over her body last episode. And then helps patch it up anyway because she cares for all the creatures of Thra, even the jerks.

“It’ll leave a scar but scars are good. The mind forgets but scars remember.”

Apparently if the spider had succeeded in taking her over, its tiny brain would have exploded. Good to know!

LANDSTRIDER

Oh, its Seladon. And she’s seeing the wiped out village and going ‘serves you right you dinks’

Oh she’s trying to arrest Aughra for dunking on her. And then she’s like did your prophecies predict this?

Yes, she did. She tried to warn Maudra Fara but all Maudras are kind of dumb.

Oh, nice trick. She slipped her eye into Seladon’s pocket to spy on the castle.

“Don’t worry, Mother Aughra. I’ll convince the Lords to show mercy on you. And your treasonous pets.” Oh Seladon, you sure don’t have the right idea of your relationship with the Skeksis.

Hi SkekSil!

He’s explaining his evil plan to the science slaves with the sewed up mouths because he knows that they can’t tell on him. You’re a weird one, Sil.

Oh, he’s buying their double silence in exchange for him freeing them.

He’s going to get them to replace the General’s allotted vial of essence with a substitute so General will get weak.

The Hunter took off with Brea and Rian wants to go rescue her but Heretic is like NO GO GET THE GLAIVE YOU DUMB IDIOT

Aww Hup is injured and is out of action and so is the Archer.

Just Rian and Deet now.

The Heretic shows them a secret tunnel to the Breath of Thra. Which is something that Deet knows about.

Awwww Heretic and the Wanderer are wishing Rian and Deet luck and to not get killed. Because they want to be one one day.

... I really hope that they’re actually alive by the time of the movie and get to fuse.

So after all the discrimination that Deet has faced for being a Grotten she smugly reveals that Grottan have mean names for the other Gelfling too like Daylighter and Sky Baby. Which she reveals by teasing Rian. Okay then.

Deet: -grabs Rian and jumps down a pit-

Rian: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Deet: “Don’t do that it aggros the bats”

So the spiders just brought the Gelfling to the castle to be drained all in one batch? INstead of using them as an army to capture other Gelfling? Sure, guys, sure.

Scientist: “I have strapped countless Gelflings into these chairs. And I was equally unmoved by their screams!”

Oh the guard that sold out the other guards is getting drained too. Rewarded as a traitor deserves I see.

Scientist: “The only mercy I have to offer…. Is death!”

I have to say. The Gelflings exploding at the end of being drained. That feels like youre losing something somewhere along the process. Like waste heat but soul goo.

So Chamberlain is cut off from essence because the Emperor is mad at him. But I bet he’s going to get the General’s share on the dl. That sneaky.

Deet and Rian arrive at her home cave and WHOOPS its being attacked by spiders.

Everything is awful everywhere.

Oh geez. There’s that minor arachnophobia again.

OH GEEZ GELFLINGS BEING TAKEN OVER BY SPIDERS AGAIN

Scientist: “Keep up you lackadaisical lumps!” Good alliteration, Tek.

Scientist’s two assistants just made the swap.

So with entire villages being taken, I feel like the Skeksis are really in danger of overgrazing.

Emperor: “Look at you yelling and gorging! This essence was hard won by! Lets not drink it all at once! … JUST KIDDING DIG IN”

And another Skeksis bacchanalia.

Scroll-Keeper: “My eyes! They’re working again! I’ve forgotten how ugly you all are!”

Skeksis: -laugh uproariously-

Emperor: “.... what?”

Ritual-Keeper is going to make a new ritual for drinking essence. It will involve a lot of bathing. Just guzzling essence in the bath I guess.

Oh no, Seladon just arrived.

And the Skeksis are not responding well to her new look.

Seladon: “I’m here to ask you spare the Stonewood”

Emperor: “Uh…. no”

Seladon: “I understand but the other clans have remembered their place so surely they’ll be spared your wrath”

Emperor: “...... No”

And the Skeksis just straight up revealing that they have been draining Gelfling is what it finally takes for Seladon to realize sense-

NOPE SHE DECIDES TO KEEP OFFERING THEM TRIBUTE

Emperor: “Uhhhhhhhhhh….. No!”

And then she asked the Skeksis to spare her sisters if no one else. You can guess what the response is. Its a no and laughing.

And then they take her crown and mock her. Because nothing like insult to insult.

And then she asks for mercy and they tear her Skeksis cosplay apart and take her to be drained. Because. All of Seladon’s hopes and dreams have to be crushed. And also because we gotta get that reference to the movie in.

SkekSil is probably just glad its not him this time. Its usually him.

I’m glad Aughra is crying for Seladon because I’m not really.

She Tried and that’s about what I can say.

Also Aughra’s friend spider rescues her eye which falls out of Seladon’s pocket during the ruckus.

Back over at the caves, Deet’s home is destroyed. Her family is gone. She has two dads apparently. That’s neat but sucks that they’re drunk. 

You know what I mean.

Oh hey its Deet’s brother Bobb’n! He’s controlled by spider!

Deet is trying to negotiate with the face hugging spider.

He just starting freaking out and hissing so I don’t think its going GIANT SPIDER OH GOD

And there goes spiderbrother.

And there goes Deet after Bobb’n.

NURLOC

DARKENED NURLOC HOH SHIT

ITS TRYING TO EAT EVERYONE

Rian: “Hey! Look at me! You hungry? I’m a much tastier Gelfling!”

That’s a brave thing you just did there Rian. And I’m sure you are pretty tasty.

Oh the General is blaming the Scientist for the essence not working for him.

Except Scientist has been drinking his essence and the General hasn’t so the Scientist is the jock here and bullies General right back.

Chamberlain breaks up the fight because I’m sure he has some angle but I think its so he can laugh at both sides internally

OH HI HUNTER

Wow he makes an entrance, dragging in some chains and pincushioned by arrows.

I think…. He just dropped dead?

No, he’s alive.

But a Skeksis seeming to die makes a huge stir.

Back in the tunnels of underground and Deet is lost

OH RIAN HAS BEEN SPIDERED

DEET IS ABOUT TO BE SPIDERED

OH and Bobb’n… uh intervenes? The spiders jump off Deet and Rian.

I guess the spiders aren’t so unreasonable? Rian saved Spider-Bobb’n from the nurloc so Bobb’n spared him?

Deet: “He wants us to follow him”

Rian: “What could go wrong” Heh, wRyian.

So Scientist is Bad Bedside Manner but point being the Hunter is going to die.

The Collector assumes that the Gelflings did this and the Skeksis immediately all start losing their shit. ANY ONE OF THEM COULD BE NEXT

I can see why the Emperor is in charge because he’s the only one who’s trying to think of a way to fix things.

He commands that the Hunter be given as much essence as it takes to save him.

Gourmet: “Surely not all of it?”

Ritual-Master: -glares-

Hah.

And then theres a scrabbling in the cage and whoops theres Brea

Scroll-Keeper: “Oh look the clever princess” -throws her in jail-

Brea: “No you can’t do this!”

Scroll-Keeper: “And yet its already done”

Brea: “You’re all monsters!”

Scroll-Keeper: “Have you only just figured that out? Perhaps you are not so clever after all”

Wow the Skeksis really are thrilled to let their jerk flag fly now that they don’t have to be nice to the Gelflings anymore.

Oh cool, Brea got locked up across from Seladon.

This will let them work their shit out.

Seladon: “There was an order to the world… Everything worked… Until you and your friends broke it!”

Oh good. She’s still delusional. What does it take to get her to see reality.

Oh hi Spider-Tavra is here too. Its a family reunion.

The most awkward family reunion on Thra.

So the Scientist has poured all the stored essence down the Hunter’s throat. Well most of all. It looks like he’s spilling most of it because those long snouts kind of make it hard.

But the essence isn’t healing him. So the Emperor tells Scientist to drain more Gelfling but the Scientist tells him that there’s a limit to what essence can heal. So Emperor hauls off and hits him.

Dang everyone is so rude to the Scientist.

But he raises the point that if the Gelfling know that Skeksis can die it will mean the end of their rule. I’m not so sure about this but whatever.

Emperor: “Bathe the Hunter in essence if you must! We are immortal at any cost!”

Oh hi Aughra’s Eye. On a spider.

So, huh. Are the arathim a hivemind or what? Because Aughra’s spider seems to be working for her. And Bobb’n saving Rian and Deet. 

Bobb’n: “You save our lives, we save yours”

Oh. I guess the arathim are just super into paying back debts.

So the arathim tell Deet that they’re working for the Skeksis in exchange for the Grottan caves which used to be where the arathim lived. Which Deet is like NUH UH THE GROTTAN HAVE ALWAYS LIVED HERE

Uh oh the gelflings did a colonialism. 

And the Skeksis helped. Or did it primarily. 

The Ascendency, All Arathim as One: “Then the Skeksis came. They demand we serve them. When we refused, they drove us out and gave our caves to more willing subjects.”

So. Like I said, the arathim were ahead of the curve on rebelling against the skeksis but nobody else on Thra stood with them, because horrifying spider people, so after countless years of being considered Public Enemy Number One by everyone the arathim have decided fuck it, we WILL deal with the Skeksis if we get to go home.

This is a complicated issue so good thing that everyone is going to die so we don’t have to deal with it!

Then the Darkened Nurloc kills an arathim and the spider-gelflings start freaking out. Because what one feels the rest feel.

Which sounds like a bad basis for a hivemind.

Rian figures out that the Skeksis must have known about the Darkening being here and that they double crossed the arathim.

But it doesn’t matter because the arathim are trapped in here.

Deet decides that she can get everyone out by talking to the Sanctuary tree.

Deet: “My clan takes our names from these caves. But if you were here first, then you’re Grottan too.”

Aww…. Angry denial to camaraderie in one conversation. We could learn from Deet. Learn something.

Rian asks that the arathim free the Gelflings under their control and fight against the Skeksis with them. Maybe they can together do what the arathim couldn’t do alone!

Probably not! The movie still exists! Nothing here is going to end happily!

But the arathim free the gelfling.

Hey, if the arathim are a hivemind, do the ones in the castle know this is going on too?

Awwwwww Deet’s family is cute.

Wait, is Aughra’s spider still part of the hivemind? Do the Ascendency know everything its been doing?

Oh this is confusing.

But it returns her eye to her finally. She’s just been sitting at the village.

Okay so I guess her spider is part of the hivemind because it tells her about the alliance that just happened.

Aughra: “It’s time to make my move”

THATS A MOVIE QUOTE WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT

Oh this is just so many spiders 

I GUESS THE GELFLINGS HAVE AN ARMY NOW!

Deet: “The tide is turning! A resistance is forming!” I should hope so! Its episode 8 into the age of resistance!

Rian: “I have to find the glaive” OH SHIT I FORGOT THAT PLOT POINT WHAT WITH ALL THE SPIDERS

And Rian is like This Is Something I Have To Do On My Own

But then before he can send Deet away, the Nurlocs show up and eat the Sanctuary Tree, trapping her in Rian’s subplot.

I appreciate dunking on the this is something i have to do on my own trope as much as possible but eh getting trapped in Rian’s subplot.

Sanctuary Tree: “The Darkening is pure energy! It cannot be destroyed! Like all energy it can only be transferred!” Some physics in my fantasy. Oh and the Sanctuary Tree uhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh transfer its power to Deet but also shows her a fucked up future with the Garthim and a weird Dark Side Deet and also the movie’s end.

Anyway, tree ded.

So the nurlocs attack. Hey the nurlocs are giant worm things that the Grottan raised. And yeah they’re worms but they’re livestock. This plot is about cows infected with pure evil

Deet stops the rampaging nurloc by absorbing the evil out of it. Even considering how everything is going to end badly, I think Deet is going towards a particularly bad end =(

[bogprincess-kira]

Skekso!

Most of these are gonna be old news for you, but I haven’t shared p much anything on this blog yet, so I’m just gonna go over the basics if that’s cool. Anyway,

SkekSo the Emperor

Why I like them

Honestly, a lot of my opinion of him is based on headcanon and rewrites, as with most TDC characters. Canonically, he's supposed to be an old coward who thinks of nobody but himself and doesn't care about his Court, much less the Gelfling... And that feels kinda bland to me. A good baseline, yes, but that can't be all there is to it - which is why I liked him a lot more after we learned about how strong his fear of mortality is, even compared to the other Skeksis.

I like seeing the personal side of villains, probably for the same reason I like redemption arcs. I know the Emperor and the rest of his Court are doomed, and with their track record, there's nothing personal stopping them from scorching every last inch of the continent - but knowing that there's something else fueling their actions gives that little bit of hope. People learn to face fear every day... Which only makes seeing how badly they've fucked up even worse.

He's the Emperor, the leader, the head honcho, all that stuff. It makes sense that he'd play a narrative role as the perfect example of why the Skeksis are dangerous as their echo chamber stands. I'm definitely in the camp of "they could try to be better", but they're not going to, and skekSo shows us exactly why... Not to mention, all the conquest they've already wrought. 

Why I don’t

Same reason as all the evil Skeksis: we already know how this ends, and there's no chance for them to turn back now. Even if they did, it wouldn't save the Gruenaks, or protect the Makrak, or free the Podlings.

In some ways, that's a positive, because it gives us a clear villain and an obvious theme of tragedy and inevitably, but... I dunno, I just wish there was more variation in the Lord-Mystic dynamic. Even if things continue along their path to the movie, it would still make things a lot more interesting in the meantime, and give the Twice-Nine more of a chance to clean up the mess they've made.

Favorite episode (scene if movie)

The moment during the Battle for Stone-In-The-Wood, when he tries to use the Darkening to strike down the Resistance, only for Deet to lightning-bend it back and unleash hell on the Lords. (RIP Lach though ;-; )

Favorite season/movie 

... Season 1 of AoR, I guess? There's not much else he's appeared in for big chunks of time that I've already seen... Or read, I suppose.

Favorite line

"We know the torments that lie behind us, but what torment awaits beyond this existence? All the more reason to hold onto life, with all claws... No matter the cost."

Favorite outfit

... I would just say his usual outfit, but the deathbed scene in the movie had some beautiful set design, so I'm gonna count that whole situation as skekSo.

OTP

SoVarZok, with Var as his and Zok's partner, and Zok as the Emperor's closest friend. It's not terribly popular, sure, but I talk a lot about it on Discord. (You already knew that though so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

I imagine that he and Var's relationship was a lot healthier before Essence, but that's mostly AU territory.

Brotp

Again, Zok's definitely the Skeksis I would interpret as skekSo's greatest ally.

Head Canon

SkekSo was, by far, one of the weakest Skeksis, long before the Darkening came into play. He has almost no physical strength or above-average intelligence to speak of, nor does he have much beyond his status as Emperor to leverage against others; SoSu became a de facto leader because of his looks, emotional "control", and ability to act like he knows what he's doing.

All three of those, uh... "Positive" traits were caused by his lack of strength, in some way, shape, or form. Urskek society places a ridiculous amount of weight on beauty and conformity, often to the detriment of health, both physical and psychological; SoSu was born "blessed" with good looks, and was trained for most of his life to embody that belief system. It certainly didn't help that he, like most Urskeks, was desperate for attention and validation.

He learned leadership on Thra, but before he figured it out, he relied entirely on keeping up an attentive, calm persona. Even after the Split, both the Emperor and Master have held onto this, for the most part.

Unpopular opinion

This isn’t quite an “opinion”, but... Still.

He didn't know how disturbing it would be for Seladon, to be "exiled" the same way a Skeksis would be.

Doesn't make it okay, and definitely doesn't mean he wouldn't be fine with her suffering if he did know, at least in this stage of Essence addiction, but he legitimately has no concept of... What that looks like. She wanted them to think of her like a peer to the Skeksis, so he punished her like one. That’s all there was to it in his mind. Honestly, I feel like that makes it a lot more unnerving, but that’s just me.

A wish

I want him to get sober at some point and acknowledge what he’s done. I want to see him mourn his Empire, especially in regards to the Gelfling.

An oh-god-please-don’t-ever-happen

Don't. Hit. Shod. Again. Or I will hurt YOU, Bird Palpatine.

And also, don't be quite as much of an ableist piece of shit when he comes back to the castle, you genocidal jackass. Just do one acceptable thing. Please.

5 words to best describe them

Regal / Frightened / Destructive / Pitiful / Draconian

My nickname for them

... So? Yeah, I pretty much just use So. Does Emperor on its own count?

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: [Before, probably late PM night before or early af AM] Rio: What time are you getting there? Buster: [A time that Baze would fuck with] Rio: In time for the easter egg hunt then Rio: I've got to help set up Buster: Ava refuses to miss it, meaning none of us can Rio: Well, duh Rio: and no, I won't tell you where any of the eggs are hidden Buster: I could help you set up Buster: Then I'd know Rio: Then you would be disqualified Rio: also, doesn't seem very 'you', does it? Buster: If anyone asks, I'm doing it to help my sister cheat Buster: I'd argue that's very me Rio: I can see that Rio: I'll see you then then Buster: I miss you Rio: I miss you more Rio: today is going to be weird Buster: If it gets too much, just tell me Buster: Nobody'll be surprised to see me leave Rio: Not you, no Buster: I mean it, I don't even have to go at all Buster: If you don't want me to Rio: You should be there Rio: and I'd rather see you than not at all Rio: we have to try, don't we Buster: Yeah Rio: when did we get too old for the egg hunt? Buster: I wouldn't know, I was always getting disqualified Rio: you're too competitive Buster: There's no such thing Rio: I think the 😭😡 suggested otherwise Buster: You couldn't handle losing to me, that's not my fault Rio: it wasn't just me, thank you Buster: But I only cared about you so Rio: if you really cared, you would've let me win 😏 Buster: That wouldn't impress you Buster: Don't act like I didn't share the prizes Rio: I think you might've been forced to Rio: very ungracious winner, you Buster: Nobody's ever been able to force me to do anything, you know that Rio: I know Rio: and you always looked very cute Buster: Like I said, I had to impress you Rio: You did Rio: and you will Rio: it'll be very distracting from 🐇 duties Buster: You're not gonna dress like one, are you? Rio: Probably not Rio: make the adults uncomfortable and can't chase 'round after the kids very well in stilettos and a corset, like Buster: I'd offer to carry you but that would make everyone even more uncomfortable Rio: 😞 Rio: like no one cares about my comfort, honestly Buster: I care, baby Rio: I know Rio: we should have a few minutes though, when your dad is fighting granddad over the lamb/to be the new alpha and the rest are trying to keep the kids from ruining their lunch by making themselves sick on chocolate Buster: What could be more romantic, like? Rio: Yeah Rio: but we've got to make the most Buster: We will Buster: I don't wanna call it a leaving present but I've got something for you Rio: Is it a surprise? Buster: Until you find it Rio: Ooh Rio: what if someone else finds it? Rio: am I gonna have to snatch it from a child's hands real fast, like Buster: They won't, I'm gonna leave it somewhere that means something to me and you Buster: Separate from the Easter Egg Hunt Rio: I'm excited Buster: Good Buster: 'Cause I can't sleep Rio: Me either Rio: let's be together now Buster: Alright Rio: we can make each other sleepy when we wanna Buster: When we have to, not before Rio: That's good with me, baby Buster: I love you Rio: I love you, don't forget Rio: in a weird way, it'll be fun trying to find ways to show you without anyone noticing Buster: Put a dress on, that'll really help me out Rio: 😳 oh Buster: As long as I'm not the one blushing tomorrow, nobody should notice Rio: I can't promise no ears but I'll leave the tail for when we're alone Rio: that should save your blushes Buster: I appreciate that, babe Rio: I'm clearly not as thoughtful as you, but I do try Buster: You're clearly more thoughtful than me 'cause you don't have to try Rio: but I didn't get you a surprise Buster: You're not the one leaving Rio: so, when I come visit you Rio: okay Rio: gives me time to think Buster: I always think about that Rio: you better have a clear schedule next weekend Rio: 'cos all I need is an excuse to be in London Buster: I'll clear it Rio: I need the whole weekend Rio: we'll have so much to catch up on Rio: show much to show you Buster: You had me at next weekend Rio: you know I'm bad at being patient Buster: You've had to be patient for far too long Rio: I'm gonna have to get a better job though Rio: to see you as often as I wanna Buster: If you get another job you won't get to see me at all Buster: And you don't need one, you've got me Rio: You can't pay for everything, it isn't fair Rio: and I didn't say another, just a better one Buster: It's not fair that you'll have to find excuses to come to London Buster: Or that you'll have to job hunt Rio: I've got enough saved for a bit anyway Buster: Keep saving it Rio: Baby Buster: No arguments Buster: I don't need to save money, I need you Rio: But Buster: But is the beginning of an argument Rio: I don't wanna argue with you, daddy Buster: Then don't Rio: tell me it's alright Buster: You know it is Buster: I look after you and you look after me Rio: I just don't wanna take advantage Buster: You're not Rio: I'm not that bitch Rio: not with you, anyway Buster: I know who you are Rio: if your friends got any hot dads I can scam though Rio: lmk Buster: Obviously Rio: I'll do mums too Rio: if they're dumb enough Buster: They are Rio: Figured Buster: [Everyone's parents deets casually] Rio: 😂😂 Rio: damn, coming through Buster: Have you forgotten who I am? Rio: no but I always want another reminder Buster: [a selfie like oh hey] Rio: oh my god Rio: I want to be there to cuddle you so bad Buster: Tell me we can get lost for a while during this fucking egg hunt Rio: you've not forgotten how many hiding places there are, I know Rio: lots of people but enough space Rio: 🤞 Buster: You've not forgotten how much I've grown since I last used any of those hiding places, I know Rio: 'scuse me, I'll just be reminiscing over here 🤤🤤🤤 Rio: still, though, I know places Buster: I can't wait for you to show me Rio: [selfie back] Rio: show you that for now Buster: Oh fuck Rio: Can you think of a valid excuse for you to come to church with me tomorrow morning? 😏 Buster: Like you said, it'll look good when I apply to uni Rio: in theory, very 🙏 Rio: in reality, so 😈 Buster: I'll be there Rio: actually? Buster: Yeah Rio: I'll die Buster: I won't let that happen Rio: The others don't come Rio: not even Junie Buster: All the more reason why I should keep you company, babe Rio: Seriously though Rio: it's pretty nightmarish Buster: You've already sold it to me Rio: at least you can sit next to me Rio: none of our family will be there Rio: unless my nan swoops in and steals you🙄 Buster: You'll just have to hold onto me so she can't Rio: I will Rio: so tight, like Buster: Don't let go Rio: Never Rio: You gonna go to confess whilst you're there? Buster: Should I? Rio: Probably not Rio: but technically, he's meant to keep his mouth shut Rio: so you could Buster: You're a secret, not a sin Rio: we could ask Rio: definitely wasn't back in the day, everyone in the bible is cousins, basically Buster: I don't need a second opinion, especially from someone whose first opinion isn't something I particularly need to hear Rio: Okay Buster: We're not doing anything wrong Rio: it won't stop me if we are Buster: It wouldn't stop me either if I thought we were, but I don't Rio: Yeah Buster: Is that what you think? Rio: I don't know what I think Buster: Yeah you do Buster: You just don't wanna say it Rio: like I said, it isn't going to stop me Rio: but it must be Buster: If it was that wrong it'd be illegal Rio: I know it's not illegal Rio: but it's not accepted Buster: Neither's being gay by some people, that's not wrong Rio: well that's different Buster: Why? Rio: we could technically not do this Buster: My sister could technically never fuck a girl, she's still gay Buster: I still love you even if we don't Rio: Yeah Rio: that's true Rio: okay Rio: I don't know Buster: She has a right to be with whoever she wants, so do I Rio: I don't know how to shut out everyone else's bullshit Rio: the jokes, disgust, whatever Buster: They don't have to know Buster: I'm saying any of this 'cause I wanna tell them all tomorrow Buster: not* Rio: No, of course Rio: it still gets in my head though, is all I mean Buster: Yeah, I know Rio: do you think your parents ever cared Rio: it's different but people would've been funny still Buster: Of course Buster: My mum could've got thrown out if it'd have gone wrong Rio: at least we don't have to worry about that Buster: And people have always said shit about this family, one way or another Rio: don't need to tell me Buster: So stop worrying Rio: Helpful 😏 Buster: I can easily help you relax Rio: I've not totally killed the mood? Buster: Don't be ridiculous Buster: I'll do anything to make you feel better, whenever Rio: Do I ever make you feel better? Rio: feel like I'm not pulling my weight here Buster: You know you do Rio: I can do better Rio: just not tonight Buster: There is no better Buster: You're perfect Rio: I love you so much Rio: I'm not gonna lose you 'cos people are idiots with opinions Buster: You're not gonna lose me for any reason Rio: No Rio: but especially that Buster: Good Rio: so, about relaxing Buster: What can I do? Rio: What can't you Rio: you wanna call? Buster: Or you could sneak me in again Buster: What time's church? Rio: 9 Rio: most people sleep through it Rio: my dad, if he bothers to show Buster: So if I'm going with you, it makes sense for me to come over now, yeah? Rio: I think so Rio: you'd have to leave so early to get here on time, you don't want to wake your fam, like Buster: Exactly Buster: And there's less traffic now than there would be at that time of the morning Rio: Right, just makes sense Rio: leave a note for 'em to find later and no one will think anything of it Buster: Fuck that, all our calendars are synced, I just need to add this into mine Rio: 😂 Rio: Wow Buster: You've met my parents, babe Rio: Once or twice Rio: at least I know you aren't such a loser that you always stick to it Buster: Cheers, like Rio: Awh, babe Rio: you're an adorable nerd, you know that Buster: Come on, don't lie Buster: What do I need to bring with me to wear for church then? Rio: you can probably wear what you're gonna wear for the rest of the day Rio: assuming you aren't planning to dress like a 🐇 too, in which case, probably not Buster: Fair assumption Rio: not even if I ask really nicely? Buster: Try it Rio: Will you dress up for me, baby Rio: it'd make me really happy Buster: How happy? Rio: Happy enough I could be persuaded to do whatever you want in return Buster: But you know I could persuade you to do that anyway Rio: but please Buster: I can't say no to you Rio: Don't Rio: 'cos I never wanna say no to you Buster: Don't Rio: What do you want then, most of all Buster: I'm already getting what I want Buster: I'm on my way to you Rio: I like having you in my bed Rio: do you know how often I've dreamt about that Buster: Tell me Rio: I honestly think I thought about that every night Rio: just sleepovers when we was little, but then it turned into sleepovers where you'd kiss me again Rio: and then, you know Buster: Yeah, I do Buster: 'Cause I had the same ones Rio: if I knew that you would be fucking me where I fucked myself over you Rio: it's crazy Buster: Jesus Christ, when you come to London you'll have to pinch me so hard Rio: I can think of better ways to show you how real it is Buster: But I'm trying not to think about any of those possibilities while I'm stuck in this car Rio: But I can't stop thinking about the first time we do it in your bed now Buster: Me either Rio: I haven't been to your house there Rio: ever Buster: I've imagined you there so many times that I was literally about to disagree with you Rio: it doesn't seem possible right Rio: you've been there for what Rio: four, five years Buster: I know Rio: that's ages Rio: no wonder I've missed you as much as I have Buster: I'm sorry Rio: it wasn't your fault Buster: I took the dare Rio: I wanted you to Rio: you know I did Buster: You wanted me to kiss you, not lose my shit and ruin everything afterwards Rio: it makes sense Rio: you know what happened to your parents Rio: that's exactly what would've happened Buster: At least if it had happened that way you wouldn't think it was what I wanted Rio: you're strong Rio: you knew I couldn't do it Buster: We were just kids, I didn't expect it to feel like something we couldn't laugh off Rio: How could we Rio: nothing could've prepared us for that Buster: Like you said, I knew about my parents Rio: but that's special circumstances Rio: you didn't have to save me from anything awful, thank God Buster: We were best friends though, same as them Rio: Yeah Rio: why didn't they notice, tbh Rio: glad they didn't but Buster: They didn't want to Rio: yeah Buster: Whatever they'd rather I didn't do, they look away Rio: Mostly works in your favour Buster: It always works in my favour Rio: Lucky you, then Buster: Don't you feel lucky, babe? Rio: I'm sure I will when you get here Buster: You'll feel everything when I get there Rio: we can go out in the barn for a bit Rio: it's probably trashed but Rio: if you don't wanna be quiet Buster: You're gonna have to be so quiet when I touch you under the table tomorrow Buster: Tonight you should be as loud as you want Rio: I'll be so good for you Buster: I know you will, baby Buster: You're an angel Rio: I've gotta be, you treat me so, so nice Buster: I've gotta, you're the love of my life Rio: say that again please Buster: I love you so fucking much, Rio Rio: You're everything to me Rio: we've got this Buster: 'Course we do Buster: I can do anything as long as you're mine Rio: I've always been yours, and I always will be Rio: nothing will stand in our way Buster: Like you said, I'm lucky Rio: I feel it too Rio: when you go to uni, maybe I can come too Rio: not go to school, I wouldn't get in Rio: but be with you Buster: I'm not going without you Rio: Then I'm coming Buster: Okay Rio: I'll work out a plan for then Buster: We've got time Buster: And you've got loads of options Rio: How long have you had your plan though, nerd baby? Rio: since birth Buster: Shut up Rio: you know I love it about you Buster: Obviously, I know what I want and I get it Rio: 🤤🤤🤤 Rio: see Rio: so tell me Rio: don't tease Buster: You know I had to work it out when I didn't get scouted to be a footballer Rio: that's a crime Rio: but you'll look better in a suit Buster: Well yeah, I manage to make our school uniform look good so Rio: I know Rio: I've seen the evidence Buster: I know, I posted the evidence for you to see Rio: I don't know whether to thank you or get my own back and pose for some evidence of my own now Buster: You can do both, don't limit yourself Rio: Do you deserve both though Buster: You tell me Rio: Let me go look at those pictures again Buster: [also sends a pic of rn] Rio: FUCK Buster: So what do I deserve, babe? Rio: [vid saying thank you over and over] Buster: I should've recorded the sound I just made Rio: Can I ask the driver about it? Rio: 'cos I really need to know Buster: Or you could just make it happen again somehow Rio: You got any ideas how, daddy? Buster: A video worked before Rio: Well, I am desperate to hear you Rio: [pleases AND thank yous] Buster: [sending his oh so extra reaction, so soz to whoever is driving him rn] Rio: I'm gonna listen to that tomorrow when you're touching me Rio: so you can feel what that just did to me Buster: Jesus Rio: I'm gonna cum as soon as you touch me tonight, I swear Buster: You're so beautiful when you do Rio: really Buster: Don't you know that? Rio: Daddy 🥰 Buster: Get in front of your mirror right now, you have to see what I do, this can't wait Rio: Oh God Rio: yes, sir Rio: [pic for proof] Buster: Good girl Rio: How do you want me to touch myself? Buster: Like we're in church Rio: How you're going to touch me in church tomorrow or how I've touched myself in church before? Buster: How you want me to tomorrow, 'cause I'm gonna need to see all the ways you have before, and this isn't about me Rio: it's always about you, Buster Buster: Baby Rio: Do you think we can do it standing up Rio: 'cos we wouldn't even need to be quiet, when they're singing the hymns Buster: I can keep you upright if that's what you're worried about Rio: More worried about how high you'd have to pull my dress up Rio: but worried might not be the word Buster: We can do it Rio: I want you to Rio: how much do you think the people behind will see though Buster: We could sit at the back and then there won't be anyone behind us Rio: We could Buster: How much do you want people to see? Rio: I want you to be in control of that Rio: as little or as much as daddy wants Rio: 'cos I'm yours, and you're the one making me look and feel so good Buster: We'll sit at the front then Rio: Everyone's gonna see everything then Rio: what I do for you, what I let you do to me Buster: That's what real devotion is, which is what they believe they're there for, it's only fair Rio: it feels like a miracle every time you fuck me Rio: they should get to see god's divine touch at work Buster: You're the miracle, babe Buster: I want everyone to know that Rio: Shit Buster: Look at how fucking heavenly you are Rio: I look how I feel Rio: whenever you're with me Buster: I feel it too, never forget that Rio: I make you feel good, don't I, daddy? Buster: [photographic evidence of how good he feels rn because at least that's more subtle than the vocals earlier lol] Rio: Mine Rio: Be here so I can make that feel even better Buster: Soon, just never soon enough Rio: I'm so close, too Rio: if you let yourself in... you don't even have to say anything, just come up behind me and watch us explode together Buster: Fuck Buster: That's the greatest idea you've had in all the years I've known you Rio: I told you, when it comes to you and me Rio: the fantasies I have are never-ending Buster: Thank Christ we have forever then Buster: 'Cause I'm gonna make them all happen for you Rio: You're gonna fuck me forever, aren't you, no matter what Rio: I don't want anyone else ever again, it's not even like 1% of what you give me Buster: Fuck all could stop me, except myself and I don't ever wanna stop, you know that Buster: Never mind the idea that I'd ever let any other cunt touch you now Rio: You have to protect me Buster: I will Rio: You always have Rio: that gets me Buster: I'll never stop doing it either Rio: I need you Buster: I love you Rio: I love you the best Buster: Yeah, you do Rio: More than anyone else Rio: ever Buster: Of course Rio: Tell me to stop touching myself or I'm gonna cum before you get here Buster: No Buster: I told you, you look beautiful, I want you to Rio: but Buster: It's okay, baby Rio: Buster Buster: Rio Rio: Oh God Buster: Don't stop Rio: I won't Buster: I know you won't Rio: [recovery time] Rio: Jesus Buster: You feel better now, yeah? Rio: That's one way to put it Buster: How do you wanna put it? Rio: I feel everything, like you promised Buster: I'm gonna keep every promise to you Rio: I trust you Buster: You can Rio: Actually looking forward to tomorrow now Rio: how do you do that Buster: I told you, I get what I want Buster: And right now all I want is for you to be happy to see me, no matter what Rio: I was Rio: technically it's everyone else I don't wanna see, like Buster: Forget about them Buster: We don't have hardly any time left Rio: Yeah Rio: I can't think about that yet Rio: especially not if we wanna make the most of it Buster: [shows up so they don't have to think about it and can make the most of it/that fantasy she mentioned earlier happen while they're still very much in that mood] Rio: [live your best life kids, we can probably skip to the main event now/everyone being there, right?] Buster: [just know that before we do he's gonna leave her present in her bed because of what she said about having him there and what he said before about hiding under it and also know because I was cockblocked that my idea was some kind of matching jewelry moment that isn't obviously matching so that anyone else would notice but they will know and he'll be wearing his before she finds hers] Rio: [love that so much] Buster: [also x 3 I had an idea that maybe her boyfriend shows up to the egg hunt because you said that he has a load of younger brothers so they could be invited and he thinks it'll be a nice surprise for Rio cos she's been spending all this time with her fam so how awkward] Rio: [that checks out oh boy] Buster: [Buster gonna be LIVID] Rio: [at least it will be painfully obvious you do not want him there lmao] Buster: [that backs up the lie you told Nancy at least] Rio: I'm so sorry Buster: You didn't invite him Rio: Of course not Rio: still Buster: Don't Rio: There's nothing else I can do Buster: Bullshit Rio: What Rio: I can't make him leave Buster: You could Buster: Or we could talk without making him the centre of the conversation Buster: Those are just two obvious options Rio: I was just saying sorry Rio: we don't need to talk about him Buster: Like I said, don't Rio: Okay Buster: It's shit enough that he's here without you feeling bad about it Rio: It's unavoidable Buster: It's not Rio: Anyway Buster: Don't dismiss what I just said Rio: I don't know what you want me to say Buster: Do something then Rio: [leaving your mans like you really gotta go help with something right now] Buster: [😏 can't even help it like] Rio: [so unfocused on whatever nonsense you're doing like don't ruin the meal or anything lol] Buster: I'll make him leave if that's what you want Rio: You can't Rio: even less than I can Buster: 'Course I can Buster: And you know it Rio: You could Rio: but you've got no reason Buster: I don't like him, that's the only reason a selfish cunt like me needs, babe Rio: have you even spoke to each other Buster: Since when is that necessary? Buster: It's been a while since I ruined a family function, like Rio: Don't Rio: because I'll have to leave with him and I don't want that Buster: You never have to do anything with him, except the dumping Rio: Do I have to do that today Buster: He'd fuck off Rio: No he wouldn't Rio: why do you think I'm waiting Rio: you've not dumped anyone, it isn't that simple Buster: Yeah I have Buster: Girls get the wrong idea Rio: then you know, it's at least a conversation Rio: more if you've been together any length of time Buster: Why can't you at least start the conversation? Buster: If he can read body language even slightly then it's not exactly coming out of nowhere Rio: I'm just trying to have a not completely shit day Buster: What so you're enjoying having him here? Rio: Jesus, no Rio: but I'm not gonna enjoy dumping him and having to think up a valid sounding excuse that isn't the actual Buster: Tell him you're over faking it every time, that's basically the actual Rio: Well that's nice 🙄 Buster: You're not gonna stay friends however you do it Rio: Why not Buster: 'Cause he's well into you and you're telling him you're not anymore Buster: If he reckons he wants to be friends, what he really reckons is he can still fuck you/ get you to change your mind about being exes Rio: We've known each other before we did this Rio: we can at least try Rio: either way, I'm not going to tell him he never made me cum and reckon that'll do it Buster: Whatever Rio: he'll have to leave before the meal Rio: it's fine Buster: Yeah Rio: can we talk about something else now Buster: You tell me Buster: He's your best friend all of a sudden, apparently Rio: No he's not, come on Buster: Forget it Rio: Buster Buster: What? Rio: I'll do it, okay Buster: No, that's not okay Buster: Do it on your on terms, not mine Rio: I don't want you to be angry with me Buster: I'm angry but not at you Rio: you can be angry at me Buster: I don't need your permission Buster: [when you playing with aforementioned jewellery that he's wearing but she's not yet because you're not mad at her] Rio: you are though Rio: just let me fix it and be my friend Buster: Don't tell me how I feel Rio: then come see me Buster: [obviously does] Rio: [hug moment] Buster: [everyone busy yourselves for a sec cos they need this] Rio: [at least you're at your house so not everyone needs to be all over this gaff, you'll find somewhere] Buster: [just kill me cos he's so tol and she's so smol] Rio: [it's a mood everyone get on board lol] Buster: [gonna let you makeout for a bit so she knows he's not mad at her lol so hope it's a good hiding place] Rio: [have at it, we can break you apart by one of the kids shouting for one of y'all 'cos kids do not care] Buster: [Grace probably cos she's obsessed with Rio's everything at this age and forever lowkey] Rio: [we know you're that bitch babe] Buster: tell her you love her in between kisses though boy before we ruin your mood again] Rio: [we're having this affirming moment so you both don't freak out any harder here] Buster: [you're welcome] Rio: [go have some boozy bunnies] Buster: [I'm jealous tbh] Rio: [aren't we all] Buster: [Alison knows how to throw a good party honey] Rio: [its this whole fam's thing tm] Buster: [Except you Ro, thank god she's not there] Rio: [how awkward you aren't though like where's the excuse, you would've had to of been at the wedding] Buster: [fake sick but actually always on death's door so] Rio: [we see you sweaty, literally everyone else is here] Buster: [Only the couple on their honeymoon aren't babe, how dare you] Rio: [that is by the by, you've gotta join this party again, soz lads] Buster: [gotta pull her back for an epic last kiss though for that wrist touching again] Rio: [we always pushing it 'til we nearly get caught that's the vibe] Buster: [mhmmm] Rio: [when you've got to go idk paint faces or some shit and you're so 😍 like 'scuse me kids] Buster: [we should decide what they all get though for the cute] Rio: [better be easter themed children] Buster: [you know Grace has gotta have the girliest flowery moment that popped up as soon as I opened pinterest] Rio: [all the pastels for easter which when did that become such a thing really] Buster: [Billie gotta be a bunny for those Carly mems cos she not too old ever to be not be about it] Rio: [you like 11, live your best life gal] Buster: [even if she was 21 she'd still do it lol] Rio: [obviously Junie won't, Edie should also be a bunny but a horror one with fake blood moment, Janis should have American football player stripes but in easter colours] Buster: [what's Ava gonna have?] Rio: [idk a sheep or something] Buster: [how adorable] Rio: [obvs there's other fam kids and kids there but we don't need to worry about y'all] Buster: [Devastated that Buster isn't that kind of bitch to get involved, where's jimothy when you need him] Rio: [lmao, when her mans probably would so she has to awkwardly be up in his grill] Buster: [your actual bae just like 😒 and starting a fight with Nance cos he's annoyed] Rio: [joy of joys, like lads you need to go now] Buster: [at least they probably would eat next cos it's usually a lunch time vibe like christmas so they'd have to go then] Rio: [exactly, you can't invite that many extra people to a roast so soz] Buster: [there's so many people already good lord] Rio: [mhmm] Buster: [leave, get out! in my best jojo impression] Rio: [the casual relief] Buster: [we all know he's gonna try and kiss her goodbye and she's gonna switch it to a cheek one, take the hint Daniel] Rio: [we all know this has been v awkward no one be living] Buster: [at least there's so many adults round this table that you can accidentally touch because in each other's grill] Rio: [we're talking multiple tables and still being on top of each other, that's the vibe] Buster: [exactly so you're welcome for that lads] Rio: I miss you Buster: [putting his hand on her leg because same] Rio: [putting her hand over his] Buster: [smiling cos we wanna] Rio: [can't stop us smiling fam] Buster: [if anyone's looking just make a silly face at your fave sister it's fine] Rio: am I gonna have to talk to Nancy Buster: I keep telling you, you don't have to do anything, babe Rio: She looks 😠 Buster: That's her resting bitch face Rio: [😏] Rio: shh Buster: [does something a little bit saucy under the table] Buster: I will if you can Rio: Easy Rio: [definitely not but you don't want him to stop so] Buster: [going a little bit harder because you don't wanna stop either so you're not gonna go too hard and risk that] Rio: [just shifting forward in your seat, biting your lip lowkey] Buster: [when you have to just sneak a look because maintaining eye contact how you want is not an option rn] Rio: [when that lowkey makes it so much worse in a good way] Buster: [we're having a good time finally] Rio: [you gonna have to try and talk 'cos you ain't this unsociable so enjoy that lol] Buster: [he'd be loving that] Rio: You're very mean Buster: Not yet Rio: [look like ?/oh no] Buster: [going IN rn soz babe hope you're not mid-sentence] Rio: [just try not to die honestly] Buster: [and when you can have coherent thoughts think about how you're gonna get your own back] Rio: You're just the worst, you know Buster: Yeah, I know Rio: What am I meant to do now Rio: you can't just Buster: What do you wanna do? Rio: You know exactly what I wanna do Buster: So come on Rio: they haven't even brought out dessert yet Buster: And you really want a piece of cake, yeah? Buster: That's exactly what you want Rio: Obviously not Rio: but you're timing is rude and that's exactly why you did it Buster: I did it 'cause I wanted to and you wanted me to Buster: The timing's just a bonus Rio: [gives him a faux 😒 look 'cos you can do that freely] Rio: for you, perhaps Rio: I'm just over here, needy as hell Buster: [leaves the table like he's got a phone call he really needs to take because real and baze energy] Buster: So come on Rio: where am I going? Rio: really strict diet so I can't even look at cake? 🤔 Buster: Where makes sense? Buster: It's your house, you tell me Buster: But nobody'll believe that you need or think you need to go on a diet, try again Rio: I'd hope no one is gonna need to go to my room for anything any time soon Rio: Do you reckon your parents will wanna head off before coffee is being offered or? Buster: Not unless your mum makes a really shit one Rio: Okay, 'cos I could say I'm not feeling great but not if you're gonna be here for a while yet Rio: I don't wanna be stuck in my room without you, like Buster: Throw a drink on yourself, you'll have to get changed then Rio: Don't you like my dress? Buster: I like you more Buster: And if you're willing to sacrifice it, I'll make sure it's a worthwhile one Rio: Okay Rio: wait for me Buster: [a picture of him chilling in her room casually like yep I am] Rio: you look so good there Buster: I feel good here, I'll miss it Rio: Me too Buster: We've got time to make loads more memories here yet though Rio: [show up 'cos yep] Buster: [you're gonna have to be quick lads so make every second count] Rio: [also gonna put that jewelry on even if we have to take it off after] Buster: [the perfect moment to find that he's hidden it in your bed for you and yeah she can put it on cos gotta serve a new lewk so we can just pretend it's part of that] Rio: [they're just in love ah this is gonna be so hard for you lads] Buster: [you know he's putting that jewellery on for you and redressing you even though he should just leave] Rio: [we always doing the most to drag things out without getting caught] Buster: [gonna make her leave first anyway even though this is literally her room cos she's more social and would hurry back in any circumstance whereas he's a rude hoe and nobody would be shook if he was on the phone for an age] Rio: [gonna save him some dessert 'cos any lil way you can low-key be nice 'cos you are typically nicer in people's eyes] Buster: [that's so sweet] Rio: Come say bye to me properly Buster: I would if Granddad wasn't mid-story Rio: I see how it is Rio: 😏 Rio: well I'm going to my dad's so when you're finished Buster: When he's finished, you mean Rio: same thing Rio: apparently 😜 Buster: You want me to burn this bridge for you, yeah? Buster: Alright, when I ain't allowed to move in, you'll only have yourself to blame, babe Rio: Don't be silly Rio: I'll wait Buster: Me too Buster: When are you back? Rio: Probably not 'til you're gone, that's what I'm saying, boy Buster: You should've led with that Rio: why did you think I needed you to say goodbye Rio: I'm not just nipping out Buster: Don't go Rio: You'll be going soon enough Rio: we have to do it at some point Buster: Soon isn't now Rio: I have to go though Buster: Your mum won't make you Rio: Of course not Rio: that's not the point Rio: I have to spend time with them too, I've got two families Buster: Come on Rio: What? Buster: Your dad is a prick, Rio Rio: You don't get to talk about him Buster: I have to Rio: You don't have to say anything Buster: I do though, 'cause you're the one who gets hurt by him for still caring Rio: That's my business Rio: and he's still my dad, end of Buster: He'll still be your dad if you stay here Rio: Well I'm not Buster: [showing up to give her the most intense look of all time] Rio: [arms folded like what?] Buster: [putting his around her of course] Rio: ['say it then' but so quiet] Buster: [pulls her closer to him because cannot] Rio: [hugs him back the tightest] Buster: [keeping this going for the longest time cos we having emotions] Rio: ['what time's your flight tomorrow?'] Buster: [let's say it's early cos Baze have shit to do] Rio: [quiet for a bit like thought as much vibes but also thinking 'maybe on my way back, you can come out for five and see me?'] Buster: [nods because we all know he's gonna make that happen regardless] Rio: [overly cheery like great we have a plan 'cos now you don't have to commit to that goodbye] Buster: [gotta do what you gotta do kids especially if that's delaying the heartbreaking inevitable] Rio: [off you go to see your dad who clearly did not show to church] Buster: [have fun with that babe] Rio: [not to mention creepy Drew and shit nan, we living lol] Buster: [are the others going or just Rio like oh hey] Rio: [maybe the twins should have to but I feel like Junie is already like no thank you] Buster: [I feel that because all the more reason for Rio to go cos she's not just gonna leave the twins with any of them] Rio: [exactly and they're probably creating 'cos don't wanna either so then it's more stress than it would be just showing as is] Buster: [so soz that Buster is adding to it by not wanting you to go gal] Rio: [none of us wanna but this the life we're living of forcing effort upon Caleb 'cos thinking the twins might still want it even though we're already like eurgh] Buster: [mhmm and we don't even have Gus to soften the blow so please stay the fuck back shit nan except you won't because Caleb is basically always just making you do everything for these children] Rio: [when we pretending it's 'cos the cousins are here so you didn't wanna go but really it's just this hell fam and you're the only one old enough to properly grin and bear it Buster: [poor Rio in so many ways rn] Rio: [just making excuses for Junie like he's working so hard at school always 'cos 1. not not true and 2. she'll love that 'cos smart boy but we know he just can't hack the blatant homophobia] Buster: [tea, and when you should wanna see Edie and Billie cos they're Drew's kids and he's your son too effectively but you don't] Rio: [when we truly pretending they don't exist like the delusion] Buster: [it's so fucked] Rio: [and rude, and we blame Ali for having these white children for them not being together still, like that's what Caleb ever wanted and like they're not fucking Drews like okay lmao] Buster: [don't even go there on the shit she would say about Carly, my sweet summer child] Rio: [shit nan I'm soz your life is so busted who you fooling here but yourself] Buster: [but before we get derailed do you wanna leave this here?] Rio: [we probably can like they'd talk whilst she's there probably but we don't have to do that up to you] Buster: [we know the vibe, you love and miss each other and we wish none of this was happening in terms of him having to leave] Rio: [yeah she's not gonna spill loads on this whole dad situ after how it went just now so nothing of note would be said tbh] Buster: [we're not there yet, one day lads]

[heathinator]

Toy Story Human AU deets

I got an ask about a month ago concerning details from my human alternate universe, since I draw the toys as humans relatively often. I put it off until now since I was in the midst of college finals and losing my mind n’ all that. For like a year now I’ve been casually writing a web-comic style story that’d incorporate all of this stuff, and one day I really hope I can dedicate some time to actually drawing it out, but until then here’s what I’ve got:

The events take place in the 90′s, in a little county called Stanton (I’m so original I know...). It’s located in the Western US nestled in the Rockies. There’s a smaller town within Stanton where Woody Pride grew up.

Woody never knew his father, and his mother passed away when he was a teenager, so the town basically raised him. It’s always been his goal and passion to protect and be a leader over the people of Stanton, so naturally he’s been elected as sheriff for a few years and has every intention to remain so.

Bo also grew up in Stanton, and she’s known Woody since they’ve been kids. They’ve got an “It’s a Wonderful Life” George and Mary kind of relationship, where Bo’s probably been in love with him her whole life. She works as a teacher at the elementary school.

Buzz basically comes from the Buzz Lightyear of Star Command universe. As part of a dangerous solo mission, Buzz infiltrated Zurg’s lair on planet Z to gain intel on a secret invention Zurg’s scientists had been creating that had the capability to wipe out entire planets. Buzz was not only able to get information on the weapon, but he also stole a vital part of the energy source, a rare material that Zurg had to steal to get in the first place. The plan was to rendezvous with Star Command with the new intel, but Buzz was discovered and pursued in his ship. Zurg’s henchmen were able to damage Buzz’s hyperdrive, thus causing it to malfunction and hurl him light years away in uncharted space, inadvertently landing him in the Milky Way and crashing on Earth.

Woody and Buzz’s first encounter together go about exactly how you’d think: not great. The town thinks he’s some sort of super cool secret agent from NASA, while Woody’s convinced Buzz is some crazed loony. Things get worse when the town is enamored by Buzz and his ability to deal with criminals, and think he’d make a great county sheriff. All the while Buzz is trying to figure out how to get off the planet and back to his primary mission of stopping Zurg.

It all comes to a head when the two get taken hostage by a notorious criminal in the county and have to work together to escape. Buzz has to come to terms with the fact that he may never be able to leave Earth, and Woody opens up to the idea of sharing the responsibility of taking care of Stanton, even after he learns the truth that Buzz really is an alien from another planet. Buzz joins on as deputy sheriff, although the two get to the point where they work so closely together that either could be sheriff. Buzz decides that it would be wise to keep the alien stuff a secret from everyone else in town.

About a year later, after tracking down another notorious criminal in the county, Woody and Buzz are able to catch him at last. Just as they’re wrapping up, a member from the criminal’s gang targets Woody, shooting him in his shoulder. In all the confusion not only does the shooter get away, but the criminal escapes as well. Woody turns out to be ok, (except for an arm he’s not supposed to use for awhile) but he feels guilty and inadequate, like maybe he’s not the best one for the job, or that with Buzz there Stanton may not actually need him anymore.

When sort of lamenting all of this, Woody is caught off guard and knocked out by a traveling salesman who takes him out of Stanton, where he finally learns about his father, who was a musician, performer, and TV star who passed away years ago. He meets Pete, a man who allegedly knew him and his father when Woody was very young, and Jessie Pride, the sister he never knew existed. Abandoned by their father when she was young, Pete became sort of a second father to her. He manipulated her and convinced her that nobody else could love her, so she stayed feeling utterly trapped with Pete. The performing troupe led by their father was popular back in the day, and they’d been trying to revive it after all of these years with little success, but were convinced that if Woody joined the troupe (who was the spitting image of his father) they’d get their big break, getting them out of the poor living condition they were in.

At first Woody had no intention of staying, but Pete manipulates Woody into believing that he’s no longer needed in Stanton and that he’ll be happier to start a new life with them. They get an offer to do a long term Woody’s Roundup revival in Japan, and prepare to leave. In the meantime, Buzz has been leading a search party for his friend and finds him, where of course he has to talk some sense into Woody and prevent him from leaving. Pete becomes furious and forcibly takes Woody and Jessie to the airport. Turns out Pete wasn’t really living the hard life after all, since becoming Jessie’s primary caregiver he had taken possession of all the money their father had left them after he died. But after discovering Woody’s existence and terrified he would somehow show up to take back the inheritance, Pete set up a ruse to kill both Pride siblings and leave the country. They manage to stop Pete, and jump off the plane before taking off, but Pete escapes custody.

Ideally this point in the story would be where I’d start my comic, beginning with Jessie’s adjustment to Stanton and their adventures between what would be the 2nd and 3rd movies. Jessie would become good friends with Bo, and eventually would decide to join Woody and Buzz in tackling crime in Stanton and the strange occurrences that seem to have started ever since Buzz landed on Earth. Jessie’s growth would come from her becoming her own person, and taking on Pete again as a recurring vengeful villain. Bo would have her own issues from a mysterious past that even Woody was unaware of, and her ability to grow stronger from it. Buzz would would still wrestle with his guilt of not being able to complete his mission, and trying to express his feelings towards Jessie with whom he is absolutely smitten. Woody would still be struggling to understand his worth and position over the people of Stanton, and that he can prove to himself that he can protect them. All the while members of Star Command and Zurg’s empire alike are looking desperately for Buzz and the stolen bit of the device, and they’re getting closer than Buzz ever thought they would...

Anyway holy cow this was way longer than I intended it to be. Like I said, hopefully one day I can actually get this dang comic started, but until then at least you know what’s going through my head when I’m drawing these guys. 😬

[butindeed]

When two siblings get together for a cup of coffee.

Okay, so this is a one piece featuring the Walker siblings bonding. I know, I know, it’s extremely long, but I hadn’t written anything since I finished the AU series, so... Well, I hope you like it!

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-So? What’s up? With your life, I mean.

-Same old, same old.

-You have to give me more than that, you know?

-Look who’s talking!

-That’s not fair! I just told you everything that’s been going on with me! I’ve resumed a year and a half in an hour or so! I’ve been the only one speaking!

-That’s not true! Bartie’s been talking too. Haven’t you lil’ man?

-Goooo!

-You see?

-Very good sweet cheeks! Mama’s really proud! - the woman then turned to her brother, covering her child’s ears - That’s not speaking and you know it!

 The man laughed heartily - Ok, ok. What would you like to know Detective Sav?

-It’s Detective Walker to you smartpants. I want to know all about the lady that came with you just the other day!

-Oh, well. I thought I had introduced you too. Her name’s Hopkins, I mean, Riley.

-I know that already! I want the deets!

-What’s that supposed to mean?

-Ow come on! Don’t make me talk!

-I don’t know what you’re talking about - the man’s look hardened.

-You’re my brother. I know you like the back of my hand. I may have disappeared for a while, but I still know you. I know that since dad died you won’t open up to anyone, I know that appart from Liam you don’t share stuff with anybody, and that you hadn’t asked him to come here to see me. But you’ve asked her... and you had this look... you seemed like the old Drake. Plus, I’ve heard things...

-Maxwell shouldn’t talk about things he doesn’t know.

-So you don’t deny it

-What is there to deny?

-Open up to me Drake.

Drake just looked at his sister and the words started flowing like time hadn’t passed by, like when they were just children and shared absolutely everything, before the Beaumont bash, before Bertrand, before Savannah’s pregnancy and her escaping, before New York, before Riley.

As the day was dying, the two men were sitting down in two comfortable armchairs, the warm summer breeze waving their hair, one blond and perfectly coffieured, the other disheveled and brown.

They looked as differently as their personalities. However, they were as close as brothers.

-I need to get away Drake - The blond one spoke first, but the other man just remained silent, slowly sipping the amber-coloured liquid. - I need a breather before the madness begins.

-The madness has begun years ago.

The blond man smiled, but it didn’t reach his steel blue eyes. 

The fire in his wasn’t as strong and fierce as his friend’s, whose chocolate eyes were spotted with golden specks as if they were talking bonfires. However, both of them reflected the same pain and similar paths.

-Ok, suppose I join you. - the latter continued - where would we go, who would we go with, and last, but not least how would you tell your father?

-You renege on the noble people, but I find you speaking their language here and there.

-Still, you haven’t answered my questions.

The blond man stood up, faintly smiling as he nodded his head.-You, my friend, are the most stubborn man I know. I pitty the person who falls in love with you. - He finished his glass before continuing, giving time for his friend to let a comeback that never was. - I need to escape Europe, somewhere the tour doesn’t visit, yet somewhere fun. I was thinking maybe your mother’s home land...

-As your majesty desires, but please Liam, let’s not go to the Ranch. My mother... Well, you know I don’t want to see her. Not now.

-Of course. Maybe we could visit New York City? I’ve always felt drawn to it. Call it faith, call it destiny...

-I’d call it a whim, but whatever.

-Funny, aren’t you? Well, for that remark only, I shall also invite Lord Tariq and Lord Beaumont.

-Oh Liam! Come on! You said it’d be fun!

-I believe Lord Maxwell to be a rather funny man...

-Yeah, yeah, Maxwell is fun to hang with, never tell him I said that... But Tariq? Really?

-My father insisted on taking him with us, apparently he feels that we’ll behave, erm, more proppery if he’s there.

-So your father knows?

-Yes. After Leo’s abdication, he feels I should be - he made a pause trying to find the correct word - pampered.

-Sure - The other man laughed - cause being a prince, first in line to the throne isn’t enough. Poor white, rich boy. You have everything but love.

Liam’s eyes darkened, but his friend pretended not to notice.

-What if I found love there, Drake? What if I could shut this whole thing down and marry someone for love?

-That’d be great my friend - Drake stood up as well, leaning against the castle wall. He was slightly shorter that his friend, the prince - but I highly doubt you could meet someone AND fell in love in less than a week.

Drake took a long sip of his black coffee, feeling his sister’s stare on him.

-Bartie needs a fresh diaper, and uncle Drake is on duty - Drake stood up holding his giggling nephew. - But he needs his mommy to tell him where the things are because he doesn’t know. No, he doesn’t know.

They walked to the nursery cracking jokes about dirty diapers and smelly pants.

-Well, now that Bartie is poop-free, maybe you could continue the story...

Drake smiled at her, there were only two more people who could get him talking about him. Well...

Drake didn’t know why Liam had made him chose the dining venue. Actually he suspected it had to do with Tariq and Maxwell’s choices of activities. All so pompous and not like him. Liam always wanted to make him feel comfortable too.

There was nothing special about the place he had chosen, his only requirement was that they had his favourite whiskey, and apparently it was a difficult condition to check, since all the other places had Michelin stars, plural.

It turned out Liam was right after all, being with nobles all that time had made even his simpler tasted, refined ones. He hated himself for that, but as soon as they sat on the bar’s booth and he saw Tariq’s face, he felt a lot whole better.

After a short while a waitress came to take their order. Drake couldn’t help but notice she was cute, and for some reason his heart beated a bit harder than usual. 

He thought about asking for her number, Liam had insisted on him asking some people out. Thing was he wasn’t a people person, nor he felt the need to be with anybody. 

There was something about her though... maybe it was the foreign air, or the fact that Liam wasn’t there to steal his thunder, or maybe it was just her.

The baby crying made him come back to the tiny apartment in Paris. It had started raining long ago, but he hadn’t noticed.

-I think he’s sleepy - Savannah explained looking at the wall clock - Yeah, it’s about his nap time. I’ll be right back once he’s asleep. Feel free to turn on the TV, but don’t think I’ll forget our chat!

Drake cracked a half smile. It was nice having someone to share his feelings with. Liam used to fill that slot, but since Riley had come to their lives they were drifting appart.

He’d love to blame her for everything. But he knew it was nobody’s fault. 

Who would have guessed he’d fall for the same girl his best friend had? Who would have thought it was none but his best friend who pushed them together, even when they both knew it was better to stay appart?

All the times Riley had seeked comfort in his company not finding Liam’s, all the doors that opened, all the walls that were torn apart.

Savannah came back some minutes later with the baby monitor in her hand.

-He fell asleep almost immediately - she smiled - he was so tired. It makes him so happy to have you around.

-It makes me happy as well, sis.

-So, Riley...

If you’d asked Drake if he’d fall in love with the same girl Liam did, he’d say it would never happen. There was no way they’d find the same person even interesting. Riley, however, was not an ordinary person.

He still debated between letting her in or shutting her away, secretly knowing that he’d already made the decision when they kissed at the Beaumont mannor.

He had tried so hard to push her away ever since, but it seemed impossible to keep her away for too long. If she didn’t come for him, he’d find a stupid excuse to keep her close. Camping trips, dinners, secret investigations, drinking games, pool competitions, spa visits, all those non dates that ended up with a magnetic force making them one. Easing their pain, opening up, telling each other locked secrets.

Drake found himself happier in her company, with every day they shared a bond was being built without them noticing, until...

-Until what? - Drake hadn’t noticed that Savannah was hugging her legs which were up in the chair.

-Get your feet down.

-I think I love her Sav. 

-OHMYGOD! Drake! This is huge!

-Yes - Drake smiled, but his eyes darkened almost immediately.

-What aren’t you telling me?

-Liam is going to proppose to her.

-WHAT? How? When?

-When this whole mess with Tariq clears up.

-But he’s with Madeleine!

-You know that’s for the sake of appearances...

-Does she know?

-She is supposed to be here for him Sav.

-You said supposed...

-She said she loves me - Savannah opened her mouth but her brother interrupted her before she could say anything - but I can’t do that to Liam. Especially when he has so much to offer to her. What kind of man would I be if I put my happiness ahead of hers? What kind of friend would I be if I put my happiness ahead of Liam’s? Maybe she think she loves me, but I’m sure she’s settling with me, Liam being engaged and all...

Savannah was sure that wasn’t the case, but she knew his brother too well to speak otherwise. She hoped she could do something to help ease his pain, but there wasn’t much to be done.

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-Sav?

-Drake? Are you okay? It’s 6 in the morning here!

-She said no!

-What? I don’t quite follow...

-She said no! To Liam’s proposal! He propposed and she said no! She told him she loved me! ME! Sav! Can you believe it? She loves me!

-Oh! Wow! Drake! That’s... wow!

-Yes! I had to tell you, I mean, you’re my sister, you know?

-Thanks, I guess, but why are you talking to me? Go talk to her!

-I just did! She’s back in her room now! Jeez Sav! I’m so happy! I feel my heart will blow off!

-Ok, calm down - Savannah smiled to her phone. It felt good hearing her brother that happy.

-Sav? - Drake paused and Savannah feared something wrong would happen - Actually I have a favour to ask...

-I think I know what you mean... I have it here somewhere, I’ll search for it.

-Thanks Sav. 

As she pressed the red button on her phone Bartie opened his eyes in the crib next to her bed.

-Good morning little guy! Guess what? We’re going shopping, we have a fancy party to go to, yes we do! It’s in Cordonia! Yes it is! We have a especial delivery to make, it’s your great-granny’s engagement ring! Oh yes it is! Uncle Drakey is going to proppose to Lady Riley, yes he is!

[frangipanidownunder]

Thanks for being you! I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you so much. When I first started writing fic on here, you were so helpful, and kind. You are really great at boosting the confidence of other writers. Also, you really are a dynamite writer. I love your "awkward fist time sex" fics.

Ah, you are a sweet thing! How wonderful to send me a message like this. Luckily, nobody else wants to be me, so there’s that.

I am busily planning the next Just Fic Already workshop - deets to come later and I am always thrilled to see what other writers bash out when they free-write. That is such a confidence boost.

IRL I am currently running a memoir writing course at a community house and the people who signed up all said they just wanted to write their life stories but didn’t know how to write. By the end of the first session, they were all looking at structure and theme with a new understanding of the anecdotes or memories they would eventually share. And they wrote! 

Finding your voice, your style, your confidence is all neatly packaged when it comes to writing. It’s inside all of us. You just have to know where to look.

And I do love the awkward first time sex trope. Who hasn’t had that stumbling, fumbling, where do you put your arms, hands, legs, head type of experience? Who hasn’t worried about smell, taste, noise, shape, size? Who really rides the blissful waves of ecstasy for hours that first time? It’s such a silly act that it deserves to be given some silly treatment in fic.

Thanks, lovely!

[tryingtimi]

If you're doing worldbuilding wednesday:

What's the religion and mythology in your WIP like? How does it affect the culture, characters, theme, and plot? If your WIP has prominent mythology and or religion in it, what are the main deities and what are some popular myths? How to the people in your WIP feel about the deities they believe in? If there's a popular religion, how widespread is it and are there any well known leaders? Any common practices and or teachings? What about people who don't follow the most common religion, what's it like for them in your WIP? etc etc etc.... (you don't have to answer all of the questions, they're just ideas for what you can share)

Happy WBW! ❤️ This was sitting in my drafts for SO long now, I'm SORRY!! I'll finish it this time! Thank you for your ask, I love all of your questions! So, I've wrote a little bit about the religions in the intro of Metalsea which I finally posted. But I'll copy them here too! Also tagging @bloodlessheirbyjacques for this because we’ve talked about it, so here some more deets! ❤️

FAITH OF VEILNIEVE

Supreme Goddess of vision and perception. The one and only deity the driadlin worship. They live by the idea of valuing things they can see, so they try to keep their vision clear by forging a society that is worth looking at. Devotee of Veilnieve are wearing veils before their eyes so they can keep their vision pure to see truth, and truth only. Priests and Priestess of Veilnieve can never take off their veils – in contrary with avarage citizens who must need to wear it only in religious gatherings –, except in the temple which also serves as their home from the moment they join the chruch.

This faith was spread among all the driadlin, so whichever city or area you're in, you'll most definitely find Veilnieve's church there.

POPULAR MYTH – LEGEND

There's one core legend among the driadlin (besides some fairytale and stuff). The legend of The First King of Nohrinal, the previous capital of Illathia.

It's the tale of a man named Theoden, whom was a nobody without goals in his life and with colorouless eyes. But, then once he followed a lonely old lady beyond the borders of his village, and through many hardships, he found his way in life and gained the truest colour of an eye that a draidlin could bear. He'd found the path of a King, and so King he became. The church's tenet is that, this old lady was their Goddess, Veilnieve and she helped Theoden see truth and with that, find his own true path. This is why they invented a tradition, which called Theoden's Walk. It's a pilgrim's journey through the path where Theoden walked and found his epiphany. The Walk is a sacred concept, so if someone decides to take it, they can't be stopped by anyone or anything, even by laws or the King or Queen herself. The thing is, however, that people don't return from The Walk. But they still do it, because the driadlin either think that those people englightened and joined the Goddess in her realm or that they wasn't worthy to return and now it's their chance to prove someone can to do it. Since Theoden, there was not a single report of a returning.

FAITH OF UD'RAQ

Supreme God of expression and speech. The one and only deity the draar worhip. The way they speak is the aspect which they value the most. The resonance, the tone, the rhythm of their words gives the true meaning of what they say. A change in resonance and the same sentence's meaning changing with it.

POPULAR MYTH – LEGEND

The draar has many tales and myths which expand as new generations start, but the most important is probably about their sacred animal.

The draar has these animals they've found on their area. They call them Ud'ronak. Its a type of creature that became their sacred animal, because the way the Ud'ronak communicate is through some kind of noise that sounds more as if they hum a song. It's very melodic. So, the draar thinks this creature is from their god, who sent them to be able to call his subjects to their realm if they want to. For what reason, that's only their god can know. This is how and why they have this tradition, when the Ud'ronak chooses riders (draar whom the creature hums a specific melody to) and then wander away from the community. The only thing that is slightly concerning is that, the draar whom rode away on an Ud'ronak, rarely returned. The draar feed the Ud'ronak, groom them, take care all of their needs, so when the times comes, they're in a good shape to take a rider.

[supercunninglinguist]

BACK FROM HIATUS

Even though I never declared one. my schedule was kept pretty full, so updating this blog wasn’t a priority. c’est la vie. but here I am.

2018 has had a weird start. but it’s an alright year so far, I guess.

Still living in Viet Nam. I drive a motorcycle now, a Hanamoto Nam, originally built in Laos. it’s helped me grow a new appreciation for mechanical systems, plus purchase price and self-maintenance is cheaper than renting a scooter. Recently, I’ve been pondering ways to bring advanced data science to corporations in this country as an industrial data analyst. it’s definitely possible, but, as a foreigner, there would be some significant hurdles to jump through. I also make money on the side by distilling natural insecticides (how I paid for my motorcycle!), and I’m really getting into vaporwave music.

My Vietnamese hasn’t really improved. I know some new words now and I can speak simple sentences, but it’s difficult to actually converse with Vietnamese individuals. even when I try my best to replicate proper tones and speech, they rarely recognize that I’m even trying to speak Vietnamese, and inevitably someone who speaks English comes over to help. literally every foreigner here that I have met who speaks fluent Vietnamese originally learned either by dating a Vietnamese person, or by taking classes. and since I don’t really have time to date or take classes... high regional diversity makes learning even more difficult. several times, I’ve learned words or phrases from one Vietnamese person and later been told by another Vietnamese person that “nobody would say it like that” or “people from [district\province\area] say that.” there’s some small phonetic\phonological differences between regiolects that can significantly impede acquisition.

Starting back in September, I wrote a new doctorate research project, and starting sending it to linguistics faculties in mid-November. the first version I sent out was not as good as it should have been, but subsequent revisions are much better. unfortunately, out of approximately 60 faculties (~40 linguistics faculties) that I contacted, none have shown interest. I haven’t sent an application in months, and I still receive a new rejection every 2-3 weeks. 5 soft categories of responses were noted: 1) This faculty does not focus on this research area, which is fine; 2) this is great and all but there’s nobody at this faculty who can supervise your project (which includes this faculty does not have the resources for a doctorate project like this), also fine, sure whatever; 3) This doesn't seem feasible\tractable\realistic\possible\logical\valid, which usually also included a hefty dose of you need to prove that this will work before we will even consider it, seems highly unfair, especially since the methods I’m advocating are already in use for 15 years and the citations for that are already in the proposal, plus how do I get the fucking data without an institution to back me up!? l; 4) This faculty is not interested in your project, fair enough, thats alright; 5) I can’t even understand what you’re proposing, like, come on, I know it’s complex and dense, but there’s a lot to say, and I did it with only 4 pages - did you try skimming any of the references or try using google or wikipedia? The worst response so far came from Dr. Mattis List, who literally just flat out responded with “this isn’t going to work”, and fallaciously attacked a very simplified example that I gave to him in order to help him understand the core concept of my proposal. Neither Dr. Heggarty nor Dr. Gray were particularly interested. Dr. Gerhard Jaeger had a fairly friendly response, but still questioned how feasible it actually is. My response to questions about tractability (which is a genuine concern, since a model must be economical in order to be feasible) has been: do you really think we can generate better resolutions for language typology, history, and ecology by retaining simple models and basic levels of information? Modelling a complex system requires a level of data that reflects the complexity of the source system. Groundbreaking results don’t just appear - innovations are required. after receiving rafts of negative, even some outright hostile, responses (mostly mocking my reductionist perspective on language), my opinion is that mainstream linguistics is ignoring this fact, and ignoring the additional fact that there are already methods for modelling complex systems, like human speech. and that these methods are already verified and in-use. so I’ve given up on rejoining the field of linguistics. y’alls be some orthodox mothafuckas, ya know that? Y’all like to pretend that you’ve moved past the formalist conceptions and theories of language but you really haven’t. There’s still a large and apparently high-level portion of the linguistics community that actively spurns the philosophy of computationalism and experimentation, who think that it’s a fad, and who also don’t even see the problems inherent to currently used methods (or don’t see them as problematic). I, on the other hand, think interdisciplinary linguistics is a better linguistics. or moreso, better to adopt methods from other disciplines than to have those disciplines steal chunks of research potential from linguistics. or better to be that person who steals chunks of research potential from linguistics for another field.

However, I might try new applications for 2018, but I’m really tired of dealing with academia. I turn 30 this year. I don’t have time to waste personalizing applications or writing 10 different variations on a research proposal to please every possible faculty that could be interested. at least if I present my ideas as a commercial venture to someone with dollar signs in their eyes, they’re going to see the potential dollar signs; that’s a hell of a lot better than an exhausted researcher who has exactly 2 days to review 80 reasonable doctorate candidates and their projects and choose which to actually consider. a close friend told me to not even bother with applying to linguistics faculties for next time, and I think he’s right. I might focus more on applying to mathematics and computer science faculties.

Here in Viet Nam, during the summer, air conditioning and mosquito spray\incense are your friends. Will exposing yourself to DEET and other synthetic insecticides possibly harm your body in currently-immeasurable\unknown ways? possibly, even probably; you know what will harm your body in currently-measurable\known ways? Getting dengue fever because you’re being bitten by at least 30 mosquitoes every night.

buying vegetables and fruits at the Cho (local open market) is so much cheaper and fun than the grocery store, but beware: unless the shopkeepers see that you’re a regular, a lot of them will try to rip you off. it can be annoying. but keep in mind: unless you can converse in Vietnamese with them, they’re almost always taking some extra time to help you obtain your products, so don’t be salty if you pay the foreigner-price; for a very large purchase at a cho, it’ll be maybe 35,000 VND extra.

guys, I can’t believe that there are only 2 episodes of Adventure Time left!

not much else to report on or to say at this time. if anyone in the tumblr science community is in a position to read and advance my proposal to a particular faculty, I’ll gladly email it to you, but I’m not making it publically available yet, and I would rather it not be shared or given to anyone without my consent first. I’ve already received some warnings - naming even specific faculties - about having my proposal unscrupulously stolen, and I have enough unfriendly acquaintances throughout linguistic academia that, yes, it is something I have to be worried about.

[bwicblog]

> [Part 1] Close Encounters of the Zombie Kind

[Pheres (RS) embarks on a zombie-observation expedition with his new research assistant, Laledy (SS); an ex-soldier, Faizah (BB); and a local guide, Cennef (XR). When they decide to livestream the adventure in a group chat, things, as predicted, go horribly wrong.]

EXCERPT:

XR: also, there could have been unattached larva down there

XR: where do you think they come from in the first place

RS: an oviposter, presumably, but clearly i was misguided

SS: (Storks!)

RS: a stork's oviposter

RS: hahaha

LP: The chat sure is uncharacteristically silent lately... >ooo<

LP: Or maybe I am just on at the wrong times! :o >ooo<

LP: Or maybe I am just on at the wrong times! :o >ooo<

RS: | Haha | It has Been a Quiet Day | ! |

RS: | And Now a Quiet Night |

RS: | I Expect All of Us are Busy at Work | ? |

RS: | Or Out | It is Still a Festival Week |

UV: Or because the end of the Festival Week is coming. A lot of couples are no doubt out celebrating the last nights.(edited)

RS: | Haha | Yes | ! | =:) | I Almost Wish I was Out |

LP: Ah... That does make sense. >ooo<

LP: How come you're not? >ooo<

RS: | Because I am At Work | ! | Here | Look |

SS: (Ey, pal, nonna that 'quiet night' hoofbeastshit, you're gonna up and jinx us!)

RS has attached VID345345.MOV! It's a quick pan of the camera over a dark, white-sanded desert. There's rock formations all around - a brief glimpse of a jadeblood and a brownblood, faces slightly blurred by the motion - and the sound of chattering off in the distance. The camera cuts when something whoops.

RS: | Not as Exciting as Festivities | Sadly |

RS: | But Occasionally One must Miss Them | Haha |

SS: ('It's a quiet night's, like, the last ish peeps up and say afore they get mobbed by thirty zeds and become one with the horde.)

UV: What sort of business do you have out in an area like that? If you do not mind me asking, that is.

LP: Oh! You're out in the desert? >ooo<

SS: (Bit athis, bit athat, bit a not gettin bit by zeds! (\eue/) )

SS: (Ain't sure how much Pher's up and down for spillin the deets of, tho, so: (\oxo/) )

RS: | Haha | Yes | We Are | ! |

RS: | And Our Business is Hunting Down a Lair of Zombies | So Far | In Theory |

RS: | Currently | Our Lovely Guide is Reorienting Herself |

RS: | And I Think Her Mother is Eating Something | I am Trying Not to Look | Personally |

RS: | | I am Always Up for Spilling the Deets | I am Afraid |

RS: | I Scored Dreadfully on the Internet Safety Part of My Schoolfeeds | =:B |

SS: (I'm totes watchin! (\eue/) )

SS: (Fascinatin stuff, this.)

LP: Ooh.. :o >ooo<

LP: Sounds interesting. :) >ooo<

SS: (And LUL.)

SS: (Hey, Pher, I got one a'those fancy personality questionnaires for you!)

SS: (It tells you what kinda zed you identify with most based on your credit chit code.)

UV: What sort of zombies then, if you are so willing to share?

MH: Oh he's back.

MH: Glad to see you didn't die, RS.

RS: | Mm | Pass | Laledy | ! | But Thank You |

RS: | Perhaps You can Get One of Our Friendly Resident Chat Members to Fill That Out for You | =:B |

RS: | And | We are Looking for Cuckoo Zombies | ! |

RS: | But So Far | We have Just Found a Number of Floral Zombies |

MH: The hell are cuckoo zombies.

RS: | I have Been Taking Pictures | If You'd Like to See | =:) |

RS: | | And Of Course I didn't Die | Haha |

RS: | They are Victims of Parasitic Birdwasps | ! | Their Eggs Hatch Within Dead Bodies |

RS: | And Puppet Them Until They are Large Enough to Burst Free | Which Is | Oh |

RS: | Three or So Nights | ? |

RS: | They're Very Hard to Witness in the Wild | ! |

BB: Very hard. or no one wishes to Bother with getting insects Burrowed into their skin and horns.

BB: Hard to tell.

RS: | Haha | We are Not at Risk of That | I Keep Telling You That | ! |

RS: | Adults Do Not Live This Far in the Desert |

RS: | They Need Plants to Pollinate | There are No Plants Worth Pollinating Out Here |

RS: | Have You Located the Stone Pillar Yet | By the Way | ? |

BB: Perhaps they are Busy working their day joBs. too. One might come home early. Similar to finding a quad mate in Bed with another.

RS: | | Are We the Quad Mate in This Metaphor | or the Bed | ? |

BB: Exactly.

RS: | Or | Wait | No |

RS: | Are We the Other | ? |

BB: The stone pillar is not too far away. yes.

BB: All I am trying to get across is that if there is adults. it will not Be happy with us going into its territory.

SS: (Well, that's what you've up and got walkstubs for, pal! (\eue/) )

RS: | | Oh | LP | ! | My Apologies | We have Tromped All Over Your Conversation | =:c |

SS: (And a talkbox, for your last words, ofc.)

BB: I would rather keep my walkBranches to remain walkBranches and not walkstuBs.

SS: (For that, pal, you're gonna hafta chat with the peeps what up and make dictionaries'n ish up.)

SS: (Or slang, whatevs.)

BB: I did not know that I would have to consult a dictionary to say that I wish to keep my limBs in tact.

SS: (Nah, pal, for that you'd hafta up and learn how jokes work! (\ouo/) )

RS: | Oh | Damn | I Think We Spooked Her Off |

RS: | | Somehow | Hahaha | Um |

RS: | Faizah | ! | You Worry | So Much | =:B |

RS: | Please | Relax | No One will Be Losing Limbs |

RS: | Not Even the Walkers |

RS: | Are You On Your Way Back Over | ? |

UV: Well if you did. I am still here. I was simply looking for a little more information on Cuckoo Zombies while you were occupied.

BB: I will Be Back soon enough. I am sure. I will also Be making sure that the only thing that does lose limBs is the walkers.

SS: (Yeah, pal, I totes wonder what did it?)

SS: (Bodysnatchin flapbugs what're up and puppeteerin peeps bods ain't made nobody queasy, like, ever. (\unu/) )

MH: Gross.

SS: (Soz, pal, didn't mean to give you internet cooties. (\unu/)

SS: (Leastways they ain't makin their waay outta here.)

BB: SS is an enjoyaBle fellow. in case you were wondering.

UV: The variety of species that parasitize trolls has always been rather fascinating, I thought. Of course, I have always done any observations from a distance.

SS: (Aww, pal, careful! You're gonna make my kokoro go doki doki. (\unu//) )

BB: See what I mean.

SS: (And hells yeah they are, pal!)

SS: (S'like a fun lottery system: erry time you think you're up and safe, boom! Turns out whatevs ish you're lookin at can totes be a parasite, too!)

RS: | Oh | If You are Interested | I can Stream Some of Our Expedition For You | ? |

RS: | It Doesn't Beat Real Observations | Of Course |

RS: | But If You are Interested | =:) |

SS: (I mean, like, if you up and think about it, we're parasites. Ain't like lusus naturae's the same species as you'n me.)

CC: eugh, yeah, fascinating. Tell that to all the jackwagons that get consumed in the deep woods.

CC: are you out hunting or something, RS?

UV: If it would not trouble you, Pheres. I would enjoy it. Thank you.

MH: Yup.

SS: (Well shit, pal, mb they're gettin all consumed-like on accounta they totes thought it was interestin nuff to see up and close-like. (\eue/) )

RS: | We are Out Observing | ! | No Hunting | Unless Things Get a Little Too Close |

MH: He's hunting. Or something.

RS: | Or | Mm | Feisty |

BB: Looking at things from a giant miscroscope only makes them smaller. doesn't necissarily solve anything.

SS: (Dude, huntin's for losers that up and think they can make a dif with a machete and some spuunk.)

CC: lol, I mean I guess you don't get more front row than that.

SS: (Research's how you up and figure out how to load some weedkiller into a drone and clear a whole section a'the desert.)

CC: it's easier to just get rid of them, but-- oh you're in a desert pff.

CC: I had to get rid of them in the woods, there wasn't enough space in the buildings to move safely with them there, yadda yadda. So is it just a curiosity or-- huh

SS: (And, uh, BB, soz to say, but I think you need a crash course on what microscopes do.)

SS: (Spoiler alert: Makes ish bigger.)

RS: | Ah | A Reminder to Those Who Would Rather Not See | the Dead |

RS: | Say | CC | =:B | There is a Button in the Screen | You can Press | to Make the Image Go Away |

RS: | I am Not Clear Where the Button Is | But I am Certain It Is There | ! |

CC: I don't have a problem, what are you talking about?

SS: (I'm p sure you gotta, like, choose to join the call anyhow.)

RS: | Usually Trolls Who Have to Exterminate Walkers Aren't Interested in Seeing Them Up Close | ! | They Find It | Ah |

RS: | Bothersome | ? |

SS: (It's against their religion!)

CC: oh hell no. I said extermination made it easy to move not that that was my job

SS: (The religion is bein a weenie.)

CC: ^

RS: | I am Fairly Certain It is Against the Sun Cultists Religion to Murder Walkers |

RS: | Or Is That to Burn Them | ? | It's Something |

CC: I'm a salvager show walkers all you want

RS: | | But | Ah | Good | ! |

SS: (Oh, y, pal, ofc, ain't you in the know I'm a sun cultist now?)

SS: (I got a pamphlet from that chick what stopped our van and everythin.)

SS: (Apparently I might be a saint, too.)

SS: (Ain't too clear on that bit. Do white oculars count, or do I gotta be proper dead-like?)

XR: Oh, Pherrres

CC: okay but if this turns into a drink the koolaid fest I'm out, st. SS

XR: erXR: Pheres

SS: (Nah, pal, no kool-aid! Just zed spores. Take a vine erryone, won't hurt once it gets to your pan stem!)

SS: (Wow, that weren't suspect at all.)

RS has started up a call! He's.. clearly using his cellphone to record the desert night, and the audio's been muted. They're still in the sand dunes, by the rock formation - but he turns the camera to beam into it, briefly, and then zoom in on Lal, who's speaking to his phone a few feet away.

MH: What the fuck.

CC: pretty.

RS: alright

RS: this is now on voice to speech!

RS: um

RS: voice to text?

CC: ...not the jadeblood. The desert

RS: i think!

RS: hahaha

SS: (Heyo!) Laledy waves at the same time as he sends the message, clearly speaking into his mic.

SS: (Wtf, way to kill my ego.)

MH: Rude CC.

RS: laledy is fairly pretty, i think. there's no need to be unkind!

XR: ...anyway I'.m. nearly there, is what I wanted to tell you.

CC: okay but can you blame me. This entire chat swarms people for things like that.CC: had to clarify

SS: (At least some peeps up and appreciate real beauty!)

SS: (Insert dramatic sniff here.)

RS: marvelous!

SS: (LUL)

SS: (Nah, pal, too late, I'm cryin already. (\eue/) )

CC: how many people are joining you, RS?

CC: pffff lol

UV: Seems like quite the expedition team.

SS: (Enough to form our own miniature horde once we get wasted by zeds! (^_^/) )

MH: Keep the camera running.

MH: I wanna see it.

SS: (Insert thumbs up here!)

SS: (Make sure you up and put it up on grubtube!)

CC: aw continuing research even in the after death. "Do teams remain allied after infection and passing"

XR: no. we'd all be idiot zombies.

SS: (Y, XR, but we'd be idiot zombies 2gether 4ever.)

RS: and oh, look, here's miss cennef's hound. A blurry shot of an alarmingly huge canine. Its jaws are moving, but he keeps pulling the camera back towards the ears. Eugh.

RS: uv, she's eating a floral zombie, by the way. do you want a picture?

SS: (It's the team spirit! (\ouo/) )

CC: love that optimism

RS: ... you all are talking so much

RS: heavens, we're not getting wasted by zeds, laledy

RS: can you imagine the indignity

UV: A picture would be nice, thank you Pheres.

RS: these aren't even proper zombies

CC: is it safe for animals to eat those? I always thought it fucked them up

RS: alright

-- XR has put on her own voice to text, and took her own picture of Pheres from sitting on her giant fennec fox/horned toad lusus --

SS: (I know, pal, I just thought BB needed some help w that wish fulfillment!)(edited)

XR: two can play at that

XR: anyway, I brought the zombie bait

RS: hahaha

RS: you take a picture of the zomb

RS: excellent!

XR: it smells horrid but then again, what else would it smell like

CC: sunshine and daisies

XR: sunshine smells like burning and death

XR: and some of them do have daisy strains I hear

CC: Chanel no.5(edited)

RS: but daisies smell delightful, presumably, to make up for it

UV: XR has a fair point.

XR: a little too delightful

XR: some of them snag you that way

XR: which is why I also brought masks

RS: ah, my apologies, uv

RS: i don't think i'm going to get very close to her lusus

XR: I know they're hideous but put them on

RS: how far did you say this was?

RS: they're cumbersome

SS: (Wtf is these double standards?)

SS: (I mean, I'm totes down for a mask, this ish looks totes badass and post-apocalyptic, but, like, pal.)

XR: if you get silly-panned by some floral scenter, you can't even come crying to me because that's probably the last thing you'll ever do

RS: and we're not dealing with psychogenic on- oh!

RS: you're incredibly silly

RS: but fine

XR: is smell it and lose yourself

RS: pass me a mask

XR: mask passed

XR: oh wait

XR: must document

SS: (LUL)

SS: (Dude, we can... figure that out.)

--  TOO LATE, he's already holding out his camera to take a begrudging picture of his face with the filtration mask on.  --(edited)

SS: (Uh.)

SS: (Duct tape, mb?)

-- XR has posted a picture of Laledy and Pheres in their masks --

XR: dammit

RS: smiley face

RS: haha

XR: you rob me of my glory

XR: how could you

UV: You all look like a proper zombie observation team now.

XR: all right, what's your strife

RS: oh

RS: thank you!

XR: I have a few firebombs, but I'd rather not use them

XR: they go up quick, even when there's not much to burn

SS: (Cutting sarcasm!)

RS: my amazing good looks?

RS: hahaha

XR: you're both hopeless

RS: you're being silly, cennef

SS: (Also a taser, a sword, and a wacking stick.)

XR: your hair isn't a weapon, Pheres

RS: come along! let's just get moving

XR: lovely as it is

XR: what, are you crazy? I haven't even told you what to watch or listen for

XR: hold on a moment

XR: remember, these are cuckoo zombies you wanted to see

XR: they don't behave like other ones

SS: (Idk, pal, I'm p sure he could eat me with that ish if he tried hard enough.)

XR: and god help me if you provoke them, we all have to run for it like giant spotted meowbeasts

SS: (Nah, pal, I only provoke peeps!)

XR: because they might burst prematurely

XR: and come after us all like avenging furies

XR: so we all have to be very quiet and lightfooted. They don't see well, being larvae, but since there's so many of them in one host their sense of touch is excellent.

SS: (Shit, pal, and here I was up and hyped to go hug one!)

XR: would that I were so lucky

XR: anyway, they tend to hide in hives, all curled up and waiting to gestate, unless they're hunting

XR: hence bait

SS: (Wow, you really know how to woo a guy!)

SS: (On pitch week, too. (\unu/) )

XR: Pheres why is he here

XR: no don't answer that

RS: hahaha

RS: for his stunning reparte

RS: obviously

RS: ah! no, sorry, was looking at this

XR: regardless, they should all be curled up before we get to them, but just in case one isn't, you might not see it at first. sometimes they hide in sand dunes instead of rocks. but, if one IS hidden there - what

XR: what are you looking at

RS has wandered a bit far off from the crowd! The camera's been focused on a section of stone for the past few minutes - it finally pulls away to show.. he's been sticking his arm into a crack. Alright.

SS: (Uh.)

He pulls it out a moment later, victorious, and holding what looks to be a bone.

RS:

RS: hmm

RS: never mind, not worth looking at

XR: PHERES WHAT THE HELL

SS: (Y'know that thing we were up and talkin bout with branches and stubs afore?)

XR: YOU COULD HAVE BEEN BITTEN ON THE ARM

SS: (Oh, nm, XR's got it in capslock, nm.)

XR: YOU ARE VERY LUCKY NOTHING WAS DOWN THERE

RS:

RS: cennef

RS: how small do you feel zombies get

XR: well Pheres I know it may stun you

XR: but there are dangers besides zombies

XR: like scorpion lizards

XR: however I assumed that was covered by common sense

XR: also, there could have been unattached larva down there

XR: where do you think they come from in the first place

RS: an oviposter, presumably, but clearly i was misguided

SS: (Storks!)

RS: a stork's oviposter

RS: hahaha

XR: uuuuuugh gods help me

SS: (HAH)

XR: if you are QUITE DONE being recklessXR: let's go toward the main hiveXR: and keep an eye out for florals or fungals, zombies aren't smart enough to have territory boundaries(edited)XR: so even though separate types usually won't horde together, that doesn't mean they don't stray

RS: yes, yes, right

SA: dude

XR: all right, we all need to keep our voices low

RS is not a cameraman, obviously! The footage of the stream keeps shaking as he trails behind Cennef's foxmom, and it keeps shifting away from the desert stretching out in front of them to capture things he thinks are even slightly interesting. A strangely shaped rock! Sand! A scorpion that he carefully kicks with his boot, and then scampers abruptly to the other side of foxmom when it raises its stinger in response.

XR: it's not noise, but vibration

RS: ah RS: yes

XR: you're lucky she eats those

SA: this is either the sickest shit I've ever seen or the dumbest fucking ide@ @nyone's had like ever

XR: there she goes

RS: lay out the bait now so i can catch it on camera?

XR: well I'm sure she's glad for the snack

RS: it is asolutely both, sa

SS: (Omg this is my favorite lusus now.)

RS: hahaha RS: smiley face

XR: you are both dumb and I want you to know that

SA: h@h@h@

XR: in case I die because one of you gets me killed

SS: (She eats stingerbugs AND she ain't eatin me!)

XR: yes, here's the bait, have fun with it.XR: and by that I mean set it out and then we're all retreating.

SS: (Is the bait me?)

XR: at least twenty feet.XR: no, you don't smell enough.

SS: (I'm startin to get mildly concerned about that, ngl/)

SS: (Oh, shit, a compliment!)

XR: it's this rotting meat.

SS: (My pusher ain't right broken yet after all!)

RS: i don't know if that's a compliment

SA: gross

RS: to be frank

SS: (Pher, quit tryin to crush my dreams, aight?)

RS: my apologies

RS: that was cruel and unneccessarily callous of me

XR: you have none because there are none with me involved.

XR: end of story

RS: you absolutely do not smell as much as this rotting meat

SS: (I'm glad you're a big enough person to acknowledge that, Pheres.)

RS: and that is a compliment

RS: hahaha

RS: here, hold the camera

SS: (And ofc I've up and got dreams w you, Cennef!)

SS: (They're the ones where Pher ain't here and you sacrifice me to zeds.)

RS: ah

RS: hold my phone

XR: yes, have him hold it, and then back away

Laledy takes the phone, orienting it at where he hears Pheres. It's somewhat off-angle, but gets most of the scene.

XR: I have Foxmom in case they swarm us but she can really only carry two trolls, even light as the pair of you are(edited)

Or, at least it gets most of the scene when Laledy isn't delightedly filming whatever foxmom is doing at any given moment. There is at least one candid of her yawning, with a dramatic zoom of her teeth.

XR: if you're that desperate I'll send you videos, my gods

XR: this is silly

SS: (I deffo ain't believin you, but whatevs, pal, we'll film this fascinatin ish instead.)

Insert closeup of the rotting meat, pointedly, before Laledy gives in to his actual scientific interests and films the presumed ZOMBIE LAIR.

SA: eewewwww

SA: show us the de@d ppl(edited)

XR: I will because this is just pathetic and also off - there we go

The camera sort of catches Pheres fussing extraordinarily over the meat. It is rotting. It has flies. For all that the audio isn't on, it's not hard to tell he's displeased.

XR: all right. we all need to be quiet.

He drops it --

XR: back up Pheres

XR: now

SS: (Uhhhhhhh)

XR: come back to us

SS: (Uhhhhhhhhhhh)

The screen goes white in a crackle of static, then clears as the light clears.

SA: oh shit is he getting m@uled

XR: stop fussing over the damn meat

RS: shhh i'm moving

RS: moved!

SS: (OW)

RS: you were rushing me!

XR: ugh that was loud

SS: (WHERE)

RS: you're fine!

UV: Well then.

XR: Laledy, back up with me, that might draw a rush

SS: (SURE I'M FINE, PAL, TOTES FINE.)SS: (Where are you?)(edited)

XR: can you feel my arm?

SS: (Uh-) There is some fumbling of the camera, and it's now pointed halfway at the ground.

SS: (Yeah.)(edited)

XR: pity about the footage but I'm not about to get us killed over it

XR: oh

XR: there's one

SS: (Where?)

XR: just peeking up, I see the horns and - oh

SS: (Insert more question noodles.)

XR: there's larva in the sockets

SS: (Insert more capslock.)

XR: most of the scentsponge is eaten too

SA: eeeeewwwwwwwwww

RS: oh, wow, this is amazing

SA: rs you're fucking nuts

RS: hahaha

RS: this is for science, i'll have you know

Lal fumbles the camera again, and it points vaguely in Pheres's direction.

RS: oh, wait

RS: you can't -- mm

XR: aaaaand another - and well that's just great

RS: give me that

SA: @nd presum@bly getting ur zombie rocks off

RS: wha

RS: no one is getting their rocks off

XR: there's a fungus coming and it looks it's been out here a hundred sweeps

XR: look at that growth

SS: (Love to. (\qnq/) )

SS: (Unfort Pheres is a jerk.)

The screen is back to a steady image as Pheres points it at the zombie in question. It's got purple fungus growing everywhere. And: yes, it's gross.

RS: you were rushing me

RS: that is the tragic result of rushing me

-- Cennef takes a photo of a somewhat blurry due to distance but magnificently orange fungal zombie absolutely covered in the stuff, with shreds of clothing over it --

RS: i actually move

SA: gross

SA: grooooooossssss

XR: ...okay so there's two

XR: excellent

SA: eugh does it smell

UV: Well that is quite the sight. And... Double the trouble.

SA: it looks like it smells

SS: (Yeah, pal, like sunshine and daisies. (\eue/) )

XR: fungals don't smell usually

RS: can you see it clearly

RS: uv?

XR: PHERES

SS: (Wow, pal, way to kill my pun!)

XR: I SEE THREE MORE CUCKOOS

SS: (What?)

RS: oh

RS: hm

XR: I HEAR THEM BUZZING

RS: maybe you should get on your mother

SS: (Pal, can you yell that in a way that is less mortally terrifyin??)

SA: oh shit

XR: and - no, damn you

XR: I'm taking care of the fungals, one minute, try not to die or upset the cuckoos.

RS: oh

RS: no, don't - just

RS: stay with laledy

SS: (Uh. Uh.)

RS: and i will take care of the fungals

SS: (I'm gonna stand here and not move at all.)

RS: that does seem a little wise

RS: just

RS: ah

RS: hold still

-- XR swiftly runs around and throws a firebomb at each fungal, because she knows full well those spores are very insidious and deadly and luckily both burn -- (edited)

XR: no, if those had gotten any closer we would be in spore range.

XR: too risky.

SS: (Oh, shit, I can see that at least.)

SS: (Wtf, are you tryin to burn the whole place down?)

XR: also it distracted the cuckoos, they're blind but not that blind.

XR: there's nothing around them.

XR: it won't last.

SS: (P sure they're less blind than me atm, tbh.)

SS: (Fwiw, I am totes never lettin this ish go. (\qnq/) )

XR: good for you

XR: it'll mean you're alive

SS: (This was gonna be so cool.)

SS: (Take good vids!)

SS: (Since I'ma have to rewatch later.)

SA: ...you're blind @nd you went zombie hunting?

RS: um

RS: it's a metaphor

RS: hahaha

-- XR takes a vid of herself staring disapprovingly before swinging at Pheres and the approaching zombies --

XR: ...Pheres

SS: (Pheres blinded me, on accounta his psi is effin bright af.)

XR: don't move

RS: i will move in a moment

SS: (Everythin's spots and ish.)

RS: don't worry

MH: This is the stupidest fucking zombie expedition I've ever seen.

XR: there's a fern zombie approaching

SA: oh ok

SS: (Pal, can we not make this a sitch where you get up and rushed again?)

MH: One of you are gonna get bit, or killed.

XR: and it doesn't look quite as shambling as the cuckoos

XR: who are quite enjoying the meat, at least

MH: Anyone wanna take bets on someone getting hurt.

XR: but I think they'll finish it soon

RS: no one is going to get bit

RS: for heaven's sake

RS: you will have to lose your bet, mh

MH: I said hurt, not necessarily bit.

MP: so uh

MH: Self harm counts because you're all throwing around fire bombs.

RS: did you

RS: heave-- hahaha

XR: That was me and that was for safety.

SS: (Hey, I'm totes offended!)

SS: (Cennef's throwin round -y, zacly.)

SS: (I'm too flammable for that ish.)

XR: the only thing Laledy throws are his words.

XR: which are annoying enough.

MP: dudes r hunting zeds?

SS: (Nah, pal! We're up and makin friends with em!)

MP: streaming too damn badass

SS: (Look, Pher's gonna up and hug that one!)

RS: yes

RS: thank you

XR: clearly we are cuddling up to them, as Laledy suggested

RS: finally someone appreciates it

RS: hahaha

MP: hey I'm paying you compliments here

XR: I'm a bit preoccupied with ensuring Pheres doesn't die

SS: (Or kill me. (\unu/) )

MP: defs do that dude

XR: well thank you for your suggestion

XR: how could I live without it

MP: dying fuckin sucks do not do that

XR: wow, you shock me

MP: v helpful advice I know lol

XR: however would I cope.

SS: (Shit, pal, way to ruin my plans for the night!)

SS: (How tf'm I supposed to spend my Sat now?)

XR: wait

SS: (I ain't made plans for Sunday!)

XR: wait no

MH: Who wants to lay down 50 caegers as the starting bet.

SS: (For what, how long its gonna be afore MH stages dramatic life insurance fraud schemes on all their friends?)

MH: 50 caegers on someone getting getting hurt but that's a good one too.

SA: I'll fucking take it

MH: I'll keep that scheme in mind when I make friends.

MH: 50 caeger starting bid! Who are you betting on getting hurt first?

SS: (I'm puttin 100 on 'way too long - okay, nm, pal, I was gonna make a joke bout you ain't havin none but then you up and just made it sad.)SS: (At least be, like, miffed that you're forever alone.)(edited)

MH: Nah I'm good.

XR: PHERES BEHIND YOU

SA: probs the jade tbh

RS: oh goddamnit

SA: no wait

XR: WE'RE GOING GET OVER HERE

MH: Too late, bid casted.

XR: TELEPORT

SA: d@mn

SS: (Y, pal, on accounta the jade's the one what's up and stickin his fronds into rock cracks.)

SS: (And huggin zeds.)

XR: oh fuck oh damn oh hell

SS: (Wtf???)

MH: Oh shit.

SA: ye@h I w@s @bout to ch@nge my d@mn bid

SS: (Can someone like narrate???)

MH: What's going on over there?

Good thing the audio's turned off! Because the phone's abruptly a mess of static, jerky screen, and then - white again.

XR: hhhhhhh

XR: okay it's down

XR: we need to go

BB: I would hate to be the person who would have to utter this statement.

XR: Laledy get on Foxmom I'm just going to have to chance it

BB: But I told you so.

XR: we're all light

SS: (I hate lits everything oh my god.)

MP: oh fucking shit

MH: Did someone get hurt?

XR: it'll be slow but I have two firebombs left GO GO GO

The stream turns off!

XR: SHE'S LYING DOWN GET ON HER

MP: oh shit

MH: I think someone got a zed on them(edited)

SA: did I win the bet

SS: (Y, SA, I'm totes dead.)

MP: ohhh boy oh no

SS: (This is me confirmin from beyond the grave.)

BB: Unfortunately. SS is not dead.

MH: Who got hit.

XR: PHERES PSIJUMP

SA: ty SS

SS: (That I am extra double blind now.)

XR: TELEPORT

MH: ....Shit.

XR: COME ON

MH: I think Pheres got a zed on him.

MP: ????? If he can teleport what the fuck is he doing

XR: I NETTED IT HE NEEDS TO MOVE

SA: d@ng it!

MH: Maybe he got hurt?

SA: I should@ ch@nged my bid

MH: Like really hurt.

BB: The excess narriration is doing nothing aBout the current circumstance and is only adding excess annoyance to my part.

MP: that's not a good thing dude not even a little

MH: Sucks to be you BB.

XR: ughhhhhhhh

BB: I would concur with that statement.

MH: Glad we're on the same page.

RS:

RS: / alright / ! /

RS: / no one wins a bet /

RS: / i am perfectly alive / or whatever you were betting on /

XR: you need a mediculler

RS: / perfectly fine /

RS: / and alive /

SS: (Can we go back to narratin?)

XR: you won't be if you don't get assistance

MP: what happened dude!

XR: I can't treat that and I don't think anybody in Port Mina can

BB: Which limB do I need to cut off.

XR: fuck off we aren't cutting off limbs yet

MH: But did you get HURT RS?

XR: will you all just shut up with your stupid speculations this is serious

MP: those infections get deadly intense tho

RS: / it's not serious /

XR: YES THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELPFUL INPUT

MH: RS is hurt.

RS: / calm down / cennef /

MH: I knew it.

XR: it's not right now but it could well be and it needs to be taken care of

RS: / it does not even qualify as hurt /

XR: yes it does

MH: I knew someone was going to get hurt.

RS: / i will take care of it at my hive /

XR: do not argue with me, you need treatment

SA: d@mn it

XR: no

XR: you need professional treatment or you will become a fern zombie

XR: you're VERY LUCKY that's a small wound

SA: oh shiiit

XR: but it will spread

MP: def do not do that

BB: I do Believe. even if that is true. that adding more shout poles to the pile will not solve the matter any faster.

BB: We should resort to action. and not yelling over one another.

XR: why yes thank you for being so terribly helpful as if I am not trying to think about what to do right now, however would I cope without the lot of you idiots yapping at me

MP: maybe put the chat down?

XR: Pheres who's your mediculler

XR: or no

XR: turning off voice to text now

RS: / it will be fine /

RS: / take a deep breath / cennef /

RS: / and / ah / - /

RS: / / yes / haha /

BB: So, I do Believe that we shall be making an expressed detour at the next convenient step. I will not say anything more until the injured can come Back to his senses.

MP: I mean I don't think they'll talk to each other here if they all know each otherMP: and are like in the same placeMP:MP: do they do that often

AE: Hello.

MH: Welcome to the shit show.

MH: Some fucks went and bothered zombies and someone got bit.

MH: Or scratched. I don't know.

AE: Do. Not. Touch. Zombies. That. Is. A. Bad. Idea.

AE: Don't. Do. That.

MH: You came in like an hour too late to say that.

AE: Undead. Saliva. Is. A. Primary. Source. Of. Various. Infections. Including. But. Not. Limited. To. Acute. Skinrot.

MH: Again, an hour too late.

AE: I. Was. Not. Here. One. Hour. Ago.

[gummysnom]

Woah, Check it Out! A Fanventure Guide

Hey, you. Yes, you! Are you a dirty Homestucker that didn’t fly the coop like all the over disappointed fans after that flop of an ending? A younger fan trying to find their place in the dwindling fandom? Just someone who wants to screw around in photoshop or MS Paint with a simplistic style?

Cool, you’re all losers. 

ANYWAY, after reading the gargantuan webcomic Homestuck, you might’ve thought to yourself “Woah, I think I can put a cool spin on this!”, and chances are, you can. That is, if you put some DAMN WORK INTO IT.

Yeah, that’s right, Webcomics take work, and some other things, like, you know, CREATIVITY. 

As you know, most fanventures are on mspfa, or http://mspfanventures.com . So, go have a look on there, and check out the average fanventure. The ones with 8-50 or so pages, with three favorites at most, sadly abandoned. Yeah, those. Sadly, there are a couple hundred of those, and a few actual diamonds in the rough. But, what makes these on-going fanventures keep going, and how did the others fail? 

That’s what we’re here to look at.

THE CHARACTERS:

So, you wanna make a fanventure now, right? Cool. The first thing you need is: A Character. Or two. Or three. Or maybe four. Sburb adventures need at least two main characters, and a few others that usually come with a main character.

The biggest thing is, your character needs to be developed, and have an interesting personality. Why do I say this? Because that’s gonna influence how you write this story. The biggest mistake any creator makes is making unenjoyable/unrelatable characters that nobody, not even the creator, cares about. What most fanventures do nowadays is try to rush all the character intros to get to the “good part”. 

The problem with this is, well, your entire comic is supposed to be the good part. Your readers are supposed to enjoy your comic all the way through, or they will drop it like a rock (Like a really hot, lava rock. They will probably throw it at someone they hate too). If you don’t enjoy your characters, your readers won’t either, and they won’t want to go on a journey with your characters and get to the “good part” with them.

Sub-Point: The Amount of Characters:

If you have too many characters, and you try to introduce them all, you’re gonna have even more pacing problems. For a fanventure, of course most people have 4, or due to the popularity of Hexane, 6. 

This is fine and all, and you can have as many characters you want, but you don’t need a million characters if you can’t dedicate enough development or characterization to them.

 People try to copy Homestuck by having Fankids AND Fantrolls. You don’t need both just because Homestuck had them. You can just have trolls, or just kids. Hell, you don’t need kids OR trolls. Make your own species, make whatever you want! Make hybrids, have fun with it! Just don’t make a bunch of characters you don’t care about!

THE STORY:

So, you’ve got like, ten characters, and you think you’re hot shit now. You’re WRONG. What are these characters even doing now? Sitting around sucking on pixie sticks and browsing Ebay like a bunch of LOSERS.

“Vicky!! How can I fix this?” Well, don’t even worry about pal, because I have the solution. It’s called a, well, err

Uh, //looks left and right

Now listen, you can’t go around telling people this but it’s a

A PLOT!

Yes, your characters need a story, something to do, and they need it now. “Well, that’s easy!” You say as you pull open note pad and...sit there for an hour.

“Damnit!” You say in frustration, because you forgot you don’t know how to write a plot outline. (Second Grade plot outlines be damned, T-Charts are for babies!)

So, this is easy. Your fanventure needs three things: A beginning, middle, and end. More importantly, a beginning and end. You need to know where you started, and you need to know where you’re trying to go. The middle is the big gooey middle that’s how you get there.

For a fanventure, your beginning will usually be a couple of acts where you enter your main characters (NOT ALL AT ONCE, but we’ll get to that later.) and introduce THE GAME. Your end will be...well, that’s up to you! Make it cool, original, something you wouldn’t expect.

Sub-Point: Pacing:

Remember how I said you should introduce all your characters at once? Yeah, that’s a big deal, and it will overwhelm your reader, and make them not care about the individual characters. We all enjoyed John as the main character because he had an entire act dedicated to him, and we spent all that time learning what he was all about, what he enjoyed, what he liked. We need that time with your characters too.

Remember that while you need good pacing in the beginning, since it will determine whether your readers will stick with you or not, you also need a good middle. We aren’t trying to go rushing to the end. Make it an enjoyable trip, and have some fun with it. Keep the pacing at a medium pace, not too slow (Boring) or too fast (Even more boring).

THE ART:

Cool, you’ve got a story outline planned out, some cool characters ready to go on a piping hot adventure, and now there’s one one thing left to do: Get to work on those panels! (Err, unless it’s a written story, to which I say, more power to you! Like, damn, you  have a lot of dedication because it is ROUGH in the fanfiction world. We don’t get enough reads and views anyway, but OCs are treated like trash. Just keep your head up, and hell, I will support what you do!)

The big thing here is: How do you want to draw your comic? Do you wanna make it a panelled comic like how comic books do it? Do you wanna go for the iconic Homestuck Style? A mix of the two? Cool! Go for it! But be consistent with your style, and make sure it isn’t just “boring” and really blank like a lot of adventures are. 

Most people like it when you use your own art and parts, but there’s nothing wrong with using some of Hussie’s parts too if you want. But you should use oiginal parts too, and don’t use people’s work who haven’t consented to it, cause that’s theft.

Sub-Point Suggestions:

Homestuck was, at one point, completely based on suggestions. Now, you don’t have to, but it can really help you when you’re in a rut with your story. You don’t have to take every suggestion, but engaging with your fanbase can be incredibly helpful! (Making a discord or a blog for your comic can be helpful!)

POSTING YOUR COMIC:

Cool, cool, you’re straight up ready. You have a few good pages ready with some commands, a rockin’ story, and some characters. What’s left? Posting, of course!

Now, this isn’t about “how” to work the MSPFA website because there are some better guides for it, but! This is about how to real your readers in.

So, firstly, you need a catchy name.

“How about, Cool-Stu-” NO, DO NOT EVEN. Every person and they mother, grandmother, and disowned uncle have named their story something like “Cool-Stuck” or “IDK-Stuck” but that’s not how the name works guys. Let’s try  to get better.

“Hexane” had six characters main characters at first, Hackbent was a hacked Sburb Session, so think about a title that fits your story.

Now, like any good creator knows, and any english teacher that wants to ruin your life will remind you, you need a good hook. Something that will pull your reader in. That’s why you shouldn’t advertise “This is probably shit” or “IDK what I’m doing” because you won’t get any readers. Make your blurb interesting. Write what would interest you!.

ORIGINALITY:

This is the final point, because I feel like it is the most important. (You know, save the best for last and all.) This mostly comes from the fact that I’ve had a few bad experiences with doing fanventure collabs. (Especially with a certain person. if you want the deets I live to over share)

So, uh, here we go:

You aren’t gonna make the next Homestuck. You aren’t. It isn’t going to happen. No, no matter how original, cool, and unique it is, it isn’t the next Homestuck. So, DON’T TAKE ALL YOUR CARDS FROM HOMESTUCK. If you take every cue from Homestuck, with nothing new or original, or something YOU made, you will be another chump with a failing fanventure.

I have dealt with a person who told me that all of my ideas were “bad” and “trash” and couldn’t happen because they weren’t exactly like Homestuck. She critiqued my characters not by their own merit, but because I didn’t use the right pants for a teal blood and that my spriting style was too unique and too colorful.

Listen, this is YOUR story, this is YOUR adventure. Be creative, create new worlds, species, new versions of your game. Homestuck was popular because of the pure creativity in it. By copying it exactly, you’re doing both Homestuck AND your readers a disservice. 

So, that’s about that. Now you have the basics about a fanventure, and you should be able to succeed. Now, of course, I’ll always be here, ready and willing to talk and explain and post more guides if you need it. And if you disagree with anything, I will be willing to debate on it.

Hell, just send me your fanventures and we can talk about it for a while! (And if you’d uh, like to collaborate on a fanventure *wink wink* I’d be down with that)

Bye for now, and if I see a fanventure called Cool-Stuck, I am suing all of you!

[worstshowever]

Alante & Nevaeh

“Alante & Nevaeh”

Season 6 Episode 2 

Original Airdate: March 8, 2017 

More Appropriately Titled: Kissin’ Cousins 

This season has been full of mooks so far. Here are two more. 

Alante emails “A small town guy with a big time love.” Nev immediately finds a way to make this all about him. He shares his dream car is a Cadillac Alante. Wow, big surprise. I learned something about Nev I neither asked for nor wanted to know. Alante is from Saginaw, Michigan. The crowd goes wild because 90% of America’s catfish are in Michigan. For eight (!) years, Alante has been in purgatorial relationship with Nevaeh. Ross and Rachel suggest she could be the female Nev. Please, for the love of God, I do not have the mental strength to handle two Nevs. 

Alante has gone to meet her multiple times. However, something always popped up that prevented them from meeting, which is completely shocking and unheard of. He says she disappears for weeks at a time. I also do that, but that’s because I’m rude, crude, and socially unacceptable. 

They get Alante on the horn. He met Nevaeh online when he was a senior in high school. They spoke for years, but it only got serious when they swapped heart and kissy face emojis. 

*Looks into the camera like Jim Halpert*

I look into the camera like Jim Halpert for the following reasons: 

1) Millennials are stupid. 2017 is stupid. The future is stupid. 

2) The art of communication is dead. Aristotle would be horrified. 

3) My mom literally just told me she needs attention. 

Alante and Nevaeh have Skyped, but she’s always been in a pitch-black room. Nev musters up the strength to talk about someone other than himself. He asks Alante if he sees how suspicious all these moving pieces are. Alante says, “I try not to think of it like that.” I don’t think he’s thought much about the mechanics of this relationship.

Nev starts rambling some garbage about how this will be the one! She will be who she says she is! It’s mad trash. This is why you should sign my WhiteHouse.gov petition to have me replace Nev. Max completely ignores Nev’s barf-worthy sentiment because he, like myself, has common sense. 

They're off to see the wizard. 

They arrive in Saginaw. Surprisingly, Nev rings the doorbell instead of letting himself in uninvited. After chatting for a few minutes, Max does something very Nev-like and asks if Nevaeh’s tiny girl brain is capable of keeping up with Alante’s highly intellectual wit. Trust me, he’s no rocket scientist.

Alante tells Phoebe and Joey that he and Nevaeh spoke all day long until Jimmy Hoffa here suddenly disappeared for months at a time. She would reappear and pick up the conversation as if nothing had happened. Way to keep the upper hand, girl.

Alante has seen eight photos of Nevaeh in the last eight years. The stress of not knowing her is causing him hair loss. He was recently hospitalized due to the stress she brings him. I dead-ass don't even have a joke for this. Some people deserve to get catfished. We’ve seen plenty of bozos over the years deserve it. Nev definitely deserved it. Now this guy (eight years!). 

Nev drives recklessly through a parking lot and then they arrive at their off-brand Starbucks. Alante sends Monica and Chandler all the dirty deets and we learn Nevaeh has two phone numbers. 

*Looks into the camera like Jim Halpert*

I look into the camera like Jim Halpert for the following reasons: 

1) He should know better. Midwesterners are smarter than folks from the rest of the country. Think about the mental fortitude it takes to endure a -30 degree winter. It takes some brains to do that and not die. As a midwesterner from the greatest state in the union (Illinnoying), I am ashamed. 

2) I have nothing for this point. I did, but it’s in an argument with someone about how it’s pop, not soda. Politely, of course. 

The google image search yields results. Nevaeh is really Audrey. She has 13,000 Instagram followers. As they look through her Facebook, a producer tells them how to insert their usernames into the URL to look at their friendship and see what they've posted to each other. They marvel as if this is a great hack. However, Facebook has a button called, “See Friendship.” This is a prime example of why no one, especially the kale eating, trendy exercise-doing west coast, can measure up to the great midwest. If you want kale in the midwest, you gotta farm it. But I digress. 

Alante and Nevaeh have 46 mutual friends, which is a lot for a fake profile. All their mutuals are in Saginaw. They send out the Catfish miranda rights to all 46 friends. 

They google the phone number, excuse me, ONE of the phone numbers and learn it belongs to a Latoya in Saginaw. They do their super cool cutting edge new hack and find she and Alante have 23 mutual friends. I don't think this means anything at all and has contributed nothing to this search but what do I know. I only went to one of Newsweek’s top high schools and one of Forbes’ top 50 colleges. Both in the midwest. 

One of their 46 new best friends messages them back, so they decide to come on too strong and give him a call. Royon tells Rachel and Monica he was recently flirting with Nevaeh on Facebook. 

Max then says something so white, it’s wearing a polo shirt on a golf course; “She’s hollering at guys in Saginaw.” 

The next morning, Nev tells Max he continued on with Nev’s Catfish, written, directed, produced, and hosted by Nev and nobody else. He spoke to two more fellas from Saginaw. They both said Nevaeh flirted with them on Facebook. I do not know if the intended purpose of sharing this information was to show the wide net cast by this catfish or to needlessly slut-shame her, but either way, they achieved their goal. 

They head over to Alante’s house. He’s hosting a barbecue. The guests of honor lucky enough to meet handsome, rational Max are Alante’s brother, Joe, and his godsister, Ericka. Ericka’s chest and shoulders are all tatted up and I think women who tattoo their chest are mad brave. She says she hopes Alante gets the closure he needs because eight years is quite a long time to string someone along. She is also positive Nevaeh is a girl. I love this juicy lil diddy, so keep it in mind as we continue on this adventure. 

Joe and I have almost the same pair of glasses, so I’m going to trust whatever he says. As he puts nearly a whole hot dog in his mouth, he tells Nev he hopes Nevaeh can cook. Maybe I won’t trust what he says because that’s really not our top concern right now. 

Ross and Chandler sit down to show Alante the deer they shot on their hunting trip. As they open Audrey’s (the real girl’s) blog, the recoil hits Alante right in the eye. Nev shows Alante his and Nevaeh’s mutual friends. He asks if he recognizes anyone. Wow, c’est incroyable, Alante recognizes his Facebook friends. Nev then takes a tone as if Alante was the one who asked such a stupid question. To kick him while he’s down, Nev tells Alante Nevaeh is flirting with other fellas on Facebook. 

They show him Latoya’s Facebook. He does not recognize her. MTV plays an angsty song about pain and love lost. 

Nev shoots the ole gal a very demanding text. Right as Alante falls apart emotionally, Joey and Monica decide to leave. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Cool glasses, huh? However, mine are gold all the way around. 

In the car, Nev gets a call from Seiairah, Nevaeh’s friend. She asks to meet them. The goons are concerned this is a trap. A trap for what. You’re two grown men with an MTV camera crew. What’s gonna happen to you. 

They meet Seiairah at what I can only assume is an abandoned gas station where teenagers smoke beer at night. Seiairah is good friends with both Nevaeh and Alante. She says there’s more to Nevaeh than they know and she wants her to come clean. She offers to call Nevaeh since Ross and Phoebe have been unable to get in touch with her. Sieairah does the job MTV is paying them a million dollars to do. Nevaeh will meet them at a park in an hour. 

They meet up with Alante and, shockingly, Nev breaks character and doesn’t storm into his house uninvited. Alante confirms he knows Sieairah and she has a big crush on him. Sieairah looked like she was 16, so naturally, Nev says something gross and disgusting. “A little young. She’s cute. Not sure what your hangup is on that.” 

*Looks into the camera like Jim Halpert* 

I look into the camera like Jim Halpert for the following reasons: 

1) I am disgusted. 

2) I am appalled. 

3) I am legend. 

Max does not touch this with a ten foot pole because he’s not a human dumpster fire. 

The squad arrives at the park. Nev’s gross comment is followed by something equally cringeworthy. Nevaeh is Ericka, Alante’s godsister. I don’t totally know what a godsister is, I barely know what god is, but if you were raised together and/or have “sister” in your title, should you really be in a romantic relationship.

Ericka says this was a lesson Alante needed to learn. Eight years ago, Serairah had a crush on Alante. To prove he was a dirty dog, Ericka made the Facebook page to show her he talks to other girls. She says she continued the page for so long at Sieairah’s direction and chose her side over Alante’s as some sort of womanly solidarity. Nev calls her on her bullshit.

Nev takes Alante on a man walk to discuss man topics as men. Alante maintains he never had any feelings for Sieairah and never led her to believe he did. Handsome, thoughtful Max stays with Ericka. She tells him she never came clean because she wanted to let him down gently. What’s more gentle than a national television audience and the court of public opinion! 

The next morning, Nev performs a classic Nev action and barges into the house without knocking as if he is claiming it under Taliban law. He calls Ericka to come over and “talk calmly.” Nev finds all women to be hysterical and incapable of controlling their emotions. 

Ericka has arrived and she knocked like a normal person who wasn’t raised in a barn on the Upper West Side. She says, “If you hurt me, I’m going to get you.” Yes! We’re finally getting somewhere. I wanna know the petty reason someone stuck with catfishing for eight years. 

Back when Bush was still president, Ericka began dating one of Alante’s friends. We learn he was a dog and Alante knew but didn't warn her. They dated on and off for seven years. At that point, it’s Ericka’s fault. Come on. This guy wasn't into Ericka and Alante knew but didn't tell her. 

Ericka gets honest and says she loved the attention she got from being Nevaeh. The two establish their friendship is over and Ericka leaves in tears. 

Three months later, Ericka and Alante are on the Skype together. His dad passed away and mourning brought the two back together. Ericka is expecting. Nev practices his best gotcha journalism when he asks who’s the father. He looks like a local Toledo reporter who once had New York City dreams. Nev was sure he was going to end the episode with an M. Night Shyamalan twist. Nice try, Nev.

Recommendation: 3/5 Would Recommend. I'm a fan of any episode in which we meet a middle (wo)man before we meet the catfish. Plus, this one had a good creep factor because of the godsibling aspect. However, their relationship was not high-drama enough to justify eight years. That's fucking insane. 

Final Thoughts: I apologize for the quantity of rants and advertisements promoting the midwest. However, I do NOT apologize for what I said. Midwest is best. Follow me on Twitter @MaeveMcDonough I was just told by my boss to clean it up, so you know it’s good.