#and no time spent happy is wasted
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my 25th birthday is coming up and im oddly nervous about it
every year im like oh this year it feels like its a real adulthood year
like 20 isnt an adult, you just left teens!
21 isnt an adult, you just got to drink in the US!
22 isnt an adult, its like being 11, there are two twos!
23 isnt an adult, you just finished being 22!
24 might be an adult, but youre still so young!
and now 25 is like. Im not worried so much about being old, 25 is in no way shape or form old
im mostly worried about the fact that 26 comes after it. then 27. then 28. and one day ill be 30. and then i will be 30, and i can never go back to being 25 ever again
its the permanence of it
#personal#this isnt sadge btw#this is just me thinkin aloud#im going to be in my mid 20s#i can never be in my early 20s again#have i wasted them?#no#im happy#i love my life#and no time spent happy is wasted
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My like. mantra for life is "no time spent loving is wasted". Hobby didn't work out? That's OK, no time spent doing something you loved was wasted. Friend you don't talk to anymore? No time you spent loving them and spending time with them was wasted. Quit that sport when you stopped enjoying it? The time you spent loving it was well spent. Nothing lasts forever, so I just always need to remember that if I love something, it's worth the time. Even if it doesn't pan out, even if it gets me nowhere. No time spent loving is wasted.
#this is about every littlw thing btw. no time spent loving is wasted#petit talks#this of course doesn't mean you cant greive the loss#but i cant bring myself to regret things that made me so happy#even if it was just for a moment
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The fact that one of my most popular arts I done over my many blogs on tumblr has only 246 notes, while the funky little comic I did for Emps and his slutty kids back on Monday has already 260 notes, both surprises and saddens me.
For one I absolutely love drawing silly comics as warm ups. I find what I draw genuinely funny and people also finding it funny/liking and sharing it makes my day.
But what saddens me that I poured so much more time, soul and effort into the arts I did for Dragon Age or Assassin's Creed fandoms and all I got was jack shit engagement.
So yeah... I do not know if my art back in the day just was crappy or I just found great bunch of people among Warhammer40k fans. Maybe both, maybe only latter.
#Post#Y'know when you spend 9+ hours on the drawing and it only gets 250 notes over entire year#And you spend 4+ hours on random monday drawing silly comic and it gets +250 notes over three days#It just hits me in the feels#For one i am happy and grateful i can deliver#On other... I kinda feel all that time i spent drawing detailed pieces back in the day just was wasted on nothing#Le struggles of an artist™
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was trying to figure out why I feel so Wrong rn and I think it's because I didn't follow my usual daily routine like At All and now my brain is freaking out. woke up at a vastly different time, had entirely different tasks throughout the day, took a nap at a weird time (to make up for the fact I had about 3 hours of sleep last night), zero human contact for the past 15 hours, and ate different food from usual (various leftovers from social events/thanksgiving, instead of cooking for myself like normal). and before I really realized that these were all things that were Bad For My Brain I was just wandering around my house like "why do I feel like garbage?? I've literally been outside so much today my brain should be happy"
ANYWAY here's to me not remembering I have issues with unstructured living because my days have been so similar for the past 4ish years that I straight up Forgot that things being too different too fast makes me crazy ✌️
#rye.txt#I'll be fine lol#the sudden shift in my daily schedule and my generally unhealthy eating today were the big things that made me feel Bad#so now that I am actually cognizant of this I can take steps to mitigate it tomorrow#god. what the hell did I even eat#leftover soup. that was breakfast (very out of my ordinary). uhh. a lot of pie (grandma made a ton for thanksgiving).#a tangerine that miiight have been on the edge of going bad#(thought I should eat a fruit. fruit did not improve status)#reheated popcorn chicken? that was not a good decision I felt so gross after eating that#hrm. ok my issue is that I feel like I Need To Eat These Leftovers So They Don't Go Bad#otherwise i'll be Wasting Perfectly Good Food#BUT. I don't want to eat it and eating it makes me feel generally unfulfilled and kinda blehg#ough. why can't I be normallllll#I'm also not dealing with the whole 'zero human contact' very well tbh. which is weird because I'm a deeply introverted person#and usually spend my days avoiding people like the plague#but idk. it's been literal years since I've spent and extended period of time completely alone#I don't knowwww i don't know#I'm gonna invite some friends over tomorrow and get them to help me eat these dang pies#ALSO. ITS BEEN REALLY COLD TODAY. AND I HAD TO BREAK INTO MY NEIGHBORS' HOUSE#(was not breaking in; I was trying to take care of their dogs since they're out of town)#(but their door code AND their garage door code weren't working#and I didn't have a physical key to use#so I had to push my way in through a back door that'd been blocked by a pile of boxes taller than my head#and squirm into their garage in order to get inside and take care of the dogs)#(was a very stressful way to spend my early waking hours)#i ALSO had to drive to the AIRPORT this morning which SUCKED. had to drop off family#which like I'm happy to help but also airports suck so much ass I hate them#anyway. today was sort of shitty#but mostly I only have myself to blame#did not structure my day well enough
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saw someone on twitter say "one of the main characters in a loki show should have been thor odinson, not some random Sylvie or Mobius.
...... It's like a written law"
wdyt do you agree
I don't think it was necessary to make Thor a main character in a Loki show, the same way it WOULD be possible to throw together a Thor movie without having Loki be a main focus.
The issue comes in the quality of the narrative itself, and writing that if evidently without intention to care for (whichever) main character's importance will not work out. Neither the Loki series nor Thor 4 cared about the arc, motivations, history, or continuity of the titular characters beyond trying to make the media marketable.
Overall messaging can add a layer to the impact a story will have. Musical score can be a bonus way to control tone or tie a story together. Supporting cast can be vital to tell a good story. Prioritising their presence over anyone's (especially Loki's) characterisation is what the Loki series suffered from, not that other, original-adjacent characters were there.
#i'd say it was tell not show but frankly the plotline was so poorly done i don't think showing would have helped#it would have solidified the side characters better though#if they had put effort into characterising Loki right then poorly done side characters could've been a non-issue#messing up the main characters which are supposed to be part of a continuity is the number 1 issue#not managing the screen-time well was the number 2 issue#too much time wasted setting up characters that were going to monologue about their importance anyway??#too much time spent trying to establish the TVA as something important and controlling but somehow good#so much could have been cut out of the show and still gotten all that across#the relationships people built did so in like 2 days in-universe iirc so i wouldn't call them solid#season 1 was a useless introductory setup for the multiverse that didn't have any impact because there were like 4 other setups#scrap the characterisation and call it a reboot and it still threw Loki out as a weak and completely conventional protagonist#that's not engaging when every other character is also boring overall#even if their concepts weren't boring the way it was done was#The Loki Show#i can't be bothered thinking about the show because there's just so much#where would one start#i don't care enough about it to hate the show but i did find the fight choreography lacking too#the camera angles and general videography wasn't good#i have the same complaints about the choreography with every other disney+ show they put out#not even bothered with the MCU frankly#i'm happy to pretend the movies stopped after phase 2
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Applying for 50 jobs within 12 months and not getting a single offer is almost an accomplishment woah I’m so talented x
#it’s killing me j wasted the last 3 months of my life working full time unpaid (internship)#and I was like. j need to suck up this bc it’ll get me a job#and I’ve applied to 25 jobs since starting this internship and I have not succeeded in getting a job#I just want to kms I’m ngl#my current org has offered me a full time job buy for a salary that’s literally minimum wage#so. that’s pretty fucking crap#I applied to 25 jobs in the last month while working full time . like I am so exhausted#I had an interview yesterday morning literally the morning of my grandmas funeral and just got emailed now that I haven’t gotten the job#yknow? I’m just heartbroken at this point#and I still have 1 week left working this internship and there’s literally no point#I was literally a middle level manager in this current job for no pay even worker across a weekend once#and it’s literally for nothing 🤣🤣🤣#I have a masters degree !! and 4 months of full time work experience and another several years worth of working part time#it’s not like I’m one of those grads who’s never worked a day in their life#and like i know no one can get a job these days. like barely any of my friends have anything#but money is beginning to become a little terrifying. so shelving the corporate applications and time to go back to being a barista again#not that I’m even guaranteed getting a job in that.#just spent a week living with a friend in Boston who IS employed straight out of undergrad for a rly cool nonprofit#literallt living my dream yknow what that rly challenged my ability to just be happy for my friends#I just don’t know how I keep on going like this tbh
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Not sneeze just mental health rambling in the tags
#I’ve spent a very long time trying to change my brain so I can just operate at a neurotypical level#it’s always been impossible and I feel like shit for it#so recently I finally just said#I am not neurotypical and never will be no matter what I do!#so I need to be kind to myself and make the accommodations I need for myself!#which is a work in progress but idk. it’s kind of painful that the neurotypical people in my life act like I’m asking for an arm and a leg#when I’m very genuinely asking if slight changes could be made between us#I absolutely don’t expect anyone to change their lifestyle for me or anything#it’s stuff like not holding long conversations when I’m in the middle of writing because it messes up my flow#and I tell my family beforehand! hey I’m gonna write for a couple of hours does anyone need anything from me before#and they say no! but then ten minutes later will start telling me a story about their day#which I’m okay to hear BEFORE I start a writing session or AFTER#and I goddamn communicate that!!! but they act like I’m asking for nobody to ever speak to me again#another thing is that I CANNOT eat anything past an expiration date#I know it’s still probably good but my brain will just keep saying YOURE GONNA DIE OF FOOD POISONING#so say the half gallon of milk is past its date#I will buy a fresh one to start using myself but I don’t toss the old one because I know others don’t care as much#and they they complain that I’m wasting milk#like I’m sorry it’s 1) my money and 2) how is it being wasted when y’all are happy to drink it til it’s done?#idk man!! neurotypical people sure do say that shit should be easy for neurodivergent people#but they sure do struggle to be slightly accommodating without bitching#idk rant over peace out
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Doodle I did of my girl Juliet earlier
#keese draws#lobotomy corporation#oc art#not super happy with this but I do enjoy looking at her so I can lower my standards for her#at least I feel like I have a better idea of her general shapes now#I spent hours and hours today on the lob corp grind and I think Im Finally ready to actually move forward with they story#Ive also been thinking abt my nuggets during their lor eras and thats been fun#in particular its been fun to think abt my ogs because half of them are experiencing their crash from finally being free from lob corp hell#and the other half are like frolicking in fields and making friendship bracelets and have made peace with their past and upcoming futures#and that half is the half that are all just godawful people who do not deserve that peace and happiness while the people they actively#traumatized are just left to deal with it#this is mostly abt juliet and loki they both suck I love them sm <3#juliet is the one thats caused more active harm tho since shes that type of boss that will obsess over those she thinks have ~potential~#and once youve caught her attention you are guaranteed to have a horrible time as she will get what she wants out of you no matter what#she doesn't even work on abnormalities anymore just just breaths down ppls necks and fights when need be#loki is very similar in that regard he puts a lot of pressure on his team to provide the results he wants#hes less likely to like. directly psychologically torture those who are under him. but he still isnt a good boss.#hes also more openly rude and disrespectful towards those around him because while neither respect anyone but eachother#loki much more frequently openly states that fact to ppls faces because he feels like everyone around him is wasting his time#now loki actually does legitimately like a few other ppl he works with which is smth that cant rly be said for juliet#but hes also the one whos always on team 'lets murder the newbies for science' so y'know#ding is like his least favorite person here and its like 30% because he specifically accepted her into the info department because he#planned on getting her killed to finish off some research on a tool abno that was being worked on#but she survived the process so now she just like actually works here and he despises her despite the fact that shes rly good at her job#juliet doesn't usually send ger guys to die on purpose but if they do die she doesn't care#she simply feels that if they die early they were weak links anyways#she will still be 'nice' to newbies and to all of her coworkers for that matter but she still has quite the bad reputation regardless#some newbies do fall for her polite act but anyone whos been here for more than like a few days knows that she doesn't give a shit abt them#theyre both doing fine in lor theyre just like we may have lost everything but at least we have eachother :) (mason wants to strangle them)
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ugh okay. my own gender is quite frankly my least favourite topic bc it confuses the hell out of me. but it's getting to the point where i need to make real decisions bc i'm very obviously out and about now as a trans person in a way i haven't been since i was 16. but i don't want any non queer people who know me to even observe this. what am i supposed to tell my parents? my partners parents? my professors and classmates? all new strangers and old faggy friends are permitted to see this but it feels so unbelievably raw and embarrassing and i feel like i'm making a humongous deal out of every little thing bc i'm uncomfortable.
#my major plan has been 'let people figure it out' but it puts people in an insanely rough spot of how to refer to me to otherz#*others#bc misgendering DOES hurt and i DON'T like it from people who know. but i also am like. planning not to rechange my name or my documents#and i can't tell if it's bc i'm not ready to commit or because i don't want to like. have wasted all of that time and effort and money.#everybody spent so long helping me get here and now i feel like i'm tossing it all in the trash. but i'm actually happy. for once.#salad dad
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got paid for some fuckin rewards bullshit via prepaid digital visa gift card. needed that in my paypal so i can transfer to my bank acc and use it as real fucking money. paypal let me link yhe card but not add to pp balance from it. ended up having to send card balance to my own ko-fi (linked to my paypal) as a guest user. seems to have worked but now paypal has put 2/3 of it on hold and i have to wait a week before i can use it. but whatever i wont be needing it until next weekend anyway so? win i guess?
#next weekend is reptile show... wanted to have some money to spend so i can forget about how poor ive been bc of being too sick to work Lol#to clarify: im not being like. Wildly irresponsible by doing so. im working enough to cover necessities/pay family for bills#i just am choosing to try and set aside what i can to spend on soemthing that makes me happy and that ive missed doing for a long time#im mostly just pleasantly surprised that the “complete our app/site partner deals to earn gift card!” shit was real i thought i was wasting-#-my time lol. but it cost me absolutely nothing and im desparate and all it took was way too many hours spent playing shitty games in bed so#.pdf#rd
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i feel like i’m wasting my time on schoolwork that i ultimately don’t care about when i could be taking pictures of bugs and drawing yaoi and discussing what kind of lingerie light yagami would like based on his sense of fashion and personality
#like idgaf abt any of this shit rn. i was academia brained for like 16 years give me a fucking break#ik i’m planning to start my masters right after i graduate but honestly i need a break i want to yaoi for some time#unforch that cannot happen bc i am on an invisible timer that says if i don’t speedrun everything in life i will die which i have always#felt since i was young#this could be the result of untreated anxiety tbh but who cares#anyway i went outside to see the fireflies and i was like i’m going to cry i never get to go outside bc i’m busy w school and if i do#go outside to have fun i know i’ll be more stressed bc now i have less time to do school idk man. it’s making me sick i’m so stressed#w school and home and my family and needing to do things and not being built for living under capitalism and shit and it sucks#and i just want to take pictures and talk abt things i like and not have to worry abt shit but life sucks so whatever#i just feel like i’m wasting time doing things i don’t care abt when i could be doing literally anything else#like i already spent so so many fucking years of my life depressed or socially isolated and it fucked me up and is still fucking me up#like i haven’t talked to anyone outside of my immediate family in months and my ocd makes life so hard and my family makes it harder#and i feel like i’m just stuck here and will never be truly happy and that i’ve wasted so much of my life being miserable and that i’m#running out of time and spending it all doing shit i don’t even care about and for what reason#idk. i’m tired so i’m probs not making sense but i’m just. not happy with how my life is and idk if i will be for a long time or if i’ll#ever make it far enough to be happy u know
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oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great
#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks#when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening.#but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks#unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍#i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it.#and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future#well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives#and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid#ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled#sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway#at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way#anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work#and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine#i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me#half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it#i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy#jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet#hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire#.vent#hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time
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#this thought just hit me and it’s not shade just a fact lol#but i see all these people on ig talking about decorating/designing their kid’s rooms#and i just. the IDEA that my parents would’ve put that much thought into our room when we were kids is…. absurd???#i was a menace#i drew on walls#i chewed up toys#i carved into the bed frame#we had a bunk bed a second hand desk a chest of drawers each and plastic boxes for toys etc#everything was mismatched and very erhm lived in#it gives me so much anxiety i physically cringe to think abt what it would’ve been like had my room been decorated and had fancy wall papers#and expensive matching furniture and godddd#i would’ve ruined it all and felt so bad and it would’ve been such a waste of time and energy and money#(i got my own lovely 90s decorated room w green wallpaper w i was nine and GOD the way i spent ages 9-18 decorating and redecorating that#room - but at nine i was a lot less mayhemish#anyways that’s besides the point)#i just realized i’ve never thought abt this before and that (mostly) women spend so much time on something that would’ve made no sense in#my home#(also parents being too involved w their kid’s own space makes me claustrophobic- i wanted A LOT of alone time and needed my own space#and the concept of my parents controlling my playing OR what happened in our room makes me stress sweat#oh boy this is rambly and i’m so happy i don’t have kids haha#)
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interviewed for another teaching job... will i ever even find a job lol- my brother is like. at least try it out. but i don't think I want to do any teaching job anymore it's way too much work. Anyway. I hope they find a great teacher and reject me so that I don't have to do the rejecting. What else can I say
#the job sounded okay on paper#but turned out to be just like any other teaching job aka tons and tons of work#but i mean i guess it was good interview practice#im a good interviewee alhamdulillah but im definitely rusty its been a while#the fact that ive applied to at least 40 jobs so far and have not gotten a single interview lol except for in teaching jobs#anyway. im happy with the qadr of Allah tbh#who knows maybe some wealthy husband will appear in my future and relieve me from 'working for money' and let me do passion projects instea#lol#or not#im happy with whatever honestly#its just the job application process always feels like such a big waste of time. like i could have spent that time doing smth more useful#💭.txt
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you meet the worlds most misogynistic person and its literally your mother
#thank god she doesnt have a son her daughter in laws wouldve cried#how she can actively say things like but women have to be lesser than men in some way is beyond me you are literally a woman??????????????#'the womans role is to give birth' maam WHY did u waste dollars to send me to school and university then#im not saying housewives are less they are very respectable!!!!!!!!!! but if both a husband and a wife are doing a nine to five why do u#expect the woman to ALSO take care of the children and ALSO do all the household chores on top of that ???????#men just exist to lay around ???????????#her argument is didnt people in the past do this. maam#the economy is ignificalty worse cost of living is way higher salaries are lower#a modenr family cannot survive on one persons salary!!!!!!!! and what man is completely willing to be the sole breadwinner and let his wife#spend his money as she likes#if u are expecting women to carry out the traditional role then men shouldtoo and be the only breadwinners and stay out for work everyday.#'didnt your grandmother do this? didnt she work as a teacher and also raise all three of her kids alone?' yes and my poor grandmother admits#to me that she wasnt happy about it and that she regrets a lot 😐#poor woman spent her life taking care of everyone#oh my god i hsouldnt get into these arguments with her. its a waste of my time and energy
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...
#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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