#and no time spent happy is wasted
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my 25th birthday is coming up and im oddly nervous about it
every year im like oh this year it feels like its a real adulthood year
like 20 isnt an adult, you just left teens!
21 isnt an adult, you just got to drink in the US!
22 isnt an adult, its like being 11, there are two twos!
23 isnt an adult, you just finished being 22!
24 might be an adult, but youre still so young!
and now 25 is like. Im not worried so much about being old, 25 is in no way shape or form old
im mostly worried about the fact that 26 comes after it. then 27. then 28. and one day ill be 30. and then i will be 30, and i can never go back to being 25 ever again
its the permanence of it
#personal#this isnt sadge btw#this is just me thinkin aloud#im going to be in my mid 20s#i can never be in my early 20s again#have i wasted them?#no#im happy#i love my life#and no time spent happy is wasted
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the house must endure / the cycle must end
#happy ides of march sleep token fandom#yes i butchered the boy#tw blood#<- i guess that's warranted here#levynn tries to draw#i feel like i kinda went balls to the walls for basically a crack idea but you know what i am so proud of this one#could be improved? definitely#but man i spent a lot of time on this thing and i don't feel like it was wasted#sleep token#sleep token fanart#vessel#vessel fanart#vessel1#old mask my beloved
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i dont think im finishing this lol i realized halfway that i dont like dudecest that much, at least in a sexual way lmao, but someone else might like it idk
#i dont think anyone is gonna like it tho. idk xp#i prefer doing fluff stuff with them. theyre are my comfort characters and rn i need FLUFF or just angst lol#im sharing it cuz i dont want the time that spent on it go to waste lol#i shouldve worked on my crochet commission but im here drawing pdude. i havent cleaned my house either... oof. im just daydreaming all day.#i can feel a depre episode comin and im just se excited for it :)) /jk#every winter i just crawl in bed and read fanfics and daydream... which leads to me becoming really depressed...#but i cannot stop daydreaming aAAAAAAAAAAAAA#im so obsessed i cant do other stuff#i dont want to stop thinkin about pdude#damn. the mental illness is illnessing#ok :)#postal#postal dude#postal 2#p2#postal 3#p1#postal 1#pdude#p3#dudecest#art#sai#fanart#digital art#postal fanart#im drawing fluff now. i just NEED it. i need them to be happy
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My like. mantra for life is "no time spent loving is wasted". Hobby didn't work out? That's OK, no time spent doing something you loved was wasted. Friend you don't talk to anymore? No time you spent loving them and spending time with them was wasted. Quit that sport when you stopped enjoying it? The time you spent loving it was well spent. Nothing lasts forever, so I just always need to remember that if I love something, it's worth the time. Even if it doesn't pan out, even if it gets me nowhere. No time spent loving is wasted.
#this is about every littlw thing btw. no time spent loving is wasted#petit talks#this of course doesn't mean you cant greive the loss#but i cant bring myself to regret things that made me so happy#even if it was just for a moment
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·-★ BLORBO ATTACK !!!!!! ★-·
★ close upz under cut :
#ive been feeling abysmal for the past week and tried to make thiz to feel better#just . my favorite characterz . all chibi and all together#just some guyz . i suppoze#i kinda wanted to experiment a bit with thiz – i uzed a different brush and didn't do my lineart how i uzually do#itz the first time ive drawn lacey in a while . and itz also the first time ive drawn agent stone#feel like i need to point out that i went needlessly hard with laceyz hair ; like . it lookz better than 90% of the rest of the drawing#im also happy with how stone turned out ; same could be said with neuvillette [who i tend to have trouble drawing uzually]#unsurprizingly . tony n monika were the eaziest to draw since i already have them doodled all over my bookz n stuff#i know itz cringe and self indulgent . you don't have to bully me in the tagz i already know all of thiz#so yeah#chibi art#crossover#ddlc#ddlc monika#dhmis tony#tony the talking clock#genshin impact#genshin neuvillette#lacey games#lacey games lacey#sonic movie universe#agent stone#i spent dayz on thiz omfg im so awful#actual dayz wasted drawing something sub par instead of doing something important and productive#i hate thiz#professional time waster right here
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was trying to figure out why I feel so Wrong rn and I think it's because I didn't follow my usual daily routine like At All and now my brain is freaking out. woke up at a vastly different time, had entirely different tasks throughout the day, took a nap at a weird time (to make up for the fact I had about 3 hours of sleep last night), zero human contact for the past 15 hours, and ate different food from usual (various leftovers from social events/thanksgiving, instead of cooking for myself like normal). and before I really realized that these were all things that were Bad For My Brain I was just wandering around my house like "why do I feel like garbage?? I've literally been outside so much today my brain should be happy"
ANYWAY here's to me not remembering I have issues with unstructured living because my days have been so similar for the past 4ish years that I straight up Forgot that things being too different too fast makes me crazy ✌️
#rye.txt#I'll be fine lol#the sudden shift in my daily schedule and my generally unhealthy eating today were the big things that made me feel Bad#so now that I am actually cognizant of this I can take steps to mitigate it tomorrow#god. what the hell did I even eat#leftover soup. that was breakfast (very out of my ordinary). uhh. a lot of pie (grandma made a ton for thanksgiving).#a tangerine that miiight have been on the edge of going bad#(thought I should eat a fruit. fruit did not improve status)#reheated popcorn chicken? that was not a good decision I felt so gross after eating that#hrm. ok my issue is that I feel like I Need To Eat These Leftovers So They Don't Go Bad#otherwise i'll be Wasting Perfectly Good Food#BUT. I don't want to eat it and eating it makes me feel generally unfulfilled and kinda blehg#ough. why can't I be normallllll#I'm also not dealing with the whole 'zero human contact' very well tbh. which is weird because I'm a deeply introverted person#and usually spend my days avoiding people like the plague#but idk. it's been literal years since I've spent and extended period of time completely alone#I don't knowwww i don't know#I'm gonna invite some friends over tomorrow and get them to help me eat these dang pies#ALSO. ITS BEEN REALLY COLD TODAY. AND I HAD TO BREAK INTO MY NEIGHBORS' HOUSE#(was not breaking in; I was trying to take care of their dogs since they're out of town)#(but their door code AND their garage door code weren't working#and I didn't have a physical key to use#so I had to push my way in through a back door that'd been blocked by a pile of boxes taller than my head#and squirm into their garage in order to get inside and take care of the dogs)#(was a very stressful way to spend my early waking hours)#i ALSO had to drive to the AIRPORT this morning which SUCKED. had to drop off family#which like I'm happy to help but also airports suck so much ass I hate them#anyway. today was sort of shitty#but mostly I only have myself to blame#did not structure my day well enough
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Are you sad? Are you miserable? Is your life falling apart? Is your body falling apart? Does your head feel like it’s full of cotton, or perhaps TV static? Does it feel like the world is crumbling around you? Is it getting harder to force yourself through the daily motions? Is happiness getting increasingly harder to find?
Why not consider making a large, hyperfixation-fueled impulse purchase?
They won’t tell you this, but all of the happiness and satisfaction you’re searching for, along with each of those little chemicals that make your brain feel good, are all hidden within your very next large, hyperfixation-fueled impulse purchase!
So why don’t you go on ahead and grab that credit card, throw caution to the wind, and chase that good feeling? You certainly won’t regret it. No one has ever regretted making a large, hyperfixation-fueled impulse purchase! Never!
#vent post#didn’t make this post with the intention to sound vaguely like a WTNV fake-sponsorship segment but here we are i guess lmao#anyways hello i have been taking measurements and making calculations and having a big ol’ time all morning#having a lot of genuine fun making Plans for my latest Big Idea that i’ve been cooking up#but then i ran into a wall and the flow-state crashed and reality and self-awareness set back in and now im here yapping abt it#the large purchase is for once actually not in reference to whaling on gacha games this time#Spring has arrived and with it my Aquarium Addiction has once again been revived and i have. Plans#that may or may not involve placing a $500+ order for a custom acrylic aquarium. :)#bc i just can’t have normal hobbies nooOOOO it’s always gotta be the most difficult stressful and expensive shit on earth#but after the past 3 days of planning and moving things around in the house and throwing my back out#i have just realized that the aquarium stand i planned to use will need Further modifications in order to be compatible. fuck!!!#and so as usual when i hit any minor speed-bump while on my fixation-train. i have crashed the train and set it on fire and am debating#abandoning the project entirely. bc i would need to ask **** for help with modifying the stand. and **** is Not in the mood to help me.#like not just for today but for the foreseeable future or maybe ever. i think i’ve already reached his limit of help for this#if i go in there like ‘heeeyyy so y’know that stand i had you spend all that time reinforcing? yeah it needs more. more modifications.’#and i actually don’t even know if it can even be made to work at this point. and i do Not have the money for a new stand#the tank is one thing but the whole point of this project was to make use of the stand i already have#without that it’s just an unjustifiable waste of money bc im starved for happy chemicals and want a big new aquarium to distract me.#anyways i haven’t. Ordered the tank yet. in spite of my use of the term ‘impulse’ im not. That unhinged with money#i won’t order it until i know For Certain that everything else about the plan will work. but sighhhh man i don’t know if it will!!!#but now i’ve got my heart all set on this plan (as if i really need 50 more gallons of water in my room) and i don’t wanna let it goooooo#maybe i’ll try to ask him when/if he’s in a better mood tomorrow. maybe it can still work. but until then i must distract myself#or im just gonna sit here tweaking the plan until i get a migraine bc i am addicted to. making aquarium plans. for some reason.#in other (related) news thanks to the fucking tariffs my $170 Venti cape order had to be cancelled bc i just cannot pay another $200#in tariffs just to get the fucking thing into the country. so that has been refunded and my Dream Venti Cape will have to remain a dream#maybe one day i will try to find someone within the US that i could perhaps commission to make me a custom cape. but not today#bc the Fish have taken back over my brain and i turned around and spent the cape money on… More Fish for my existing aquariums 😔#like Yes i Am aware that im using this all to distract myself from The Horrors in the rest of my life and that it’s not sustainable#but after looking for so long and finding nothing but pink ones how do i turn down brown dojo loaches being sold for $5 a pop??? i Had to.#ok im out of tags so that means it’s time to shut up and go do a water change on the 55gal before i get too tired to do it today.
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He has decided to join me for Floor Time.
#my cat#why am *I* on the floor? well you see#I just got off the phone with my mother#and blah blah blah the usual implications that if I do not complete this uni thing I am a disappointment and a waste of time and space#YOU KNOW. THE USUAL.#why am I still seeking that woman’s approval. I should know better by now#I’ve already got a master’s degree! if I fail this then I fail! can’t what I’ve already done be enough for her!#four years ago it was ‘I don’t care what you do so long as you’re happy’#which was evidently a lie#I think she had some sort of bargain with the universe going on#you know. as long as I lived then she’d settle for whatever#but I guess she’s backtracked on that#I’ll only ever be worth what I can do as far as she’s concerned#and then it’s all ‘well I HOPE you’ll have children one day—’#in that kind of ‘I will never quite forgive you if you don’t’#and I never told her about any of that.#closest I ever got was ‘I would love to but I don’t know if that will happen’#because how do you even begin to explain all that#I don’t want her sympathy especially not when I’m still waiting to find out exactly what’s going on#and I don’t want to upset her by saying ‘well you nearly were a grandmother but it didn’t pan out and possibly never will!!!’#okay that got darker than intended on a silly post about my cat#but I can’t say it to her. so I’m sort of saying it to the cat instead#it feels so pathetic but I just want her to love me rather than her idea of what I could be#she spent years trying to get me to be what she wanted and I could never do it#but everything I do is wrong#my interests are weird I do my makeup wrong I went to the wrong uni I never write about anything ‘nice’#she wishes I’d make ‘normal’ friends and start dating a man and move somewhere ‘better’#and if I must be an actor can’t I at least be a successful one?#she loves the idea of her daughter but she doesn’t like *me*#I mean. I don’t much like her either. but how can I under the circumstances?
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going through and cleaning out my spacehey a little bit and i forgot about diary entries i made like 2 years ago about how hopeless and upset i felt about my last relationship's struggles and described my ex's issues and behavior as "catastrophic and neverending"... yeah sounds about right
#.txt#sorry that u had to go through alla that past me. genuinely#so many other posts about how annoying my ex friend group was too 😭😭well#also the words “this almost always happens out of nowhere” 😭😭 in regards to his bullshit they put me through#he just wanted more and more and more and more from me like it was never enough and it made me so confused#wed spend so much of the day together and then when i would want a break or want to do something else#maybe on my own or literally whatever else it was like a ticking timebomb before shit hit the fan with him again#so no wonder i was always miserable always anxious and could never feel comfortable or like im really having fun#GOD i hate that motherfucker so goddamn much such a waste of my fucking time and energy and love#fucking dick#it felt like i was always being watched in some ways. and then hed claim that i never spent any time with him#when .. when i did. and it just felt so insane like it lowk felt like he was gaslighting me or something idrk like i was just#so confused all of the time because im like where is this coming from... we just did a whole lot together ?? and why do we always#have to be doing something#just makes no gd sense and i have a feeling that was on purpose. dude is not right in the head#“exhausting” is another word id also use in those diary entries and looking back on it that played such a major role#in my happiness w him basically plummeting#and not feeling like i had any more energy for him or barely anything fucking else at the time. because he exhausted me#actual energy sink. actual energy SIPHON. i actually genuinely pray for anyone else that gets stuck with them#good fukin luck omfg#and i do hope all of them stalk and i do hope all of them read my shit on here because im not taking it down. because#if u read all of my shit and what i went through and everything and u still choose to find me irredeemable then idk what else to say#corrupted ass people comma if so
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#dino.txt#im gonna complain about 5 things at once and purposely make no sense#whats funny is ....i kinda hate this shit too#and before this i was already very tired...so 🤔 FR !!#i think at the end of the day it comes down to lack of prioritisation#i cant force people to do what they 'think' they want to do...yknow#i can bring forward all the plans i want but like...cant even make any fucking intiative#other than saying 'oh id love for us to do this'#i hateee this situation. i dont like it. i dont like anyone right now.#im mad at a lot of things#but i really cant be doing this shit after this. and i havent been! good on me! but thdn this will just flake out#cos everyone's a fucking manchild#but anyways. this is a lesson ive been taught over and over in life#i cannot place my happiness in the hands of others. i only have myself#i dont believe in living in solitude forever. i cant do it#i believe that things will always work out. but i cannot...invest in others. it doesnt work#i just have to focus on myself. i cant invest in other people 😂 i cant protect other people. it cant always be my cross to carry#you would think a nigga named jesus...#and im so scared all the time but im also so numb#there's always a tradgedy around the corner#such is life sure. but ive never been allowed even like a brief respite. but maybe that is right now#i cant get to sleep. i cant get to sleep theres never enough time to be awake#everything is a waste of time. but yesterday i spent good time so#im okay. i hope i get this released this year. anyways. WHATEVER MAN!! ALL IS GOOD!! ONE STEP AT A TIME!!! SUCH IS LIFE!!#I will say. though i spiral im always good at picking myself back up#trauma and tradgedy are very familiar friends in my life#yknow. im just waiting.#im always waiting for the big one. there's always worse always#im waiting for the one big thing i cant come back from#but all i can do is look to the future
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Not sneeze just mental health rambling in the tags
#I’ve spent a very long time trying to change my brain so I can just operate at a neurotypical level#it’s always been impossible and I feel like shit for it#so recently I finally just said#I am not neurotypical and never will be no matter what I do!#so I need to be kind to myself and make the accommodations I need for myself!#which is a work in progress but idk. it’s kind of painful that the neurotypical people in my life act like I’m asking for an arm and a leg#when I’m very genuinely asking if slight changes could be made between us#I absolutely don’t expect anyone to change their lifestyle for me or anything#it’s stuff like not holding long conversations when I’m in the middle of writing because it messes up my flow#and I tell my family beforehand! hey I’m gonna write for a couple of hours does anyone need anything from me before#and they say no! but then ten minutes later will start telling me a story about their day#which I’m okay to hear BEFORE I start a writing session or AFTER#and I goddamn communicate that!!! but they act like I’m asking for nobody to ever speak to me again#another thing is that I CANNOT eat anything past an expiration date#I know it’s still probably good but my brain will just keep saying YOURE GONNA DIE OF FOOD POISONING#so say the half gallon of milk is past its date#I will buy a fresh one to start using myself but I don’t toss the old one because I know others don’t care as much#and they they complain that I’m wasting milk#like I’m sorry it’s 1) my money and 2) how is it being wasted when y’all are happy to drink it til it’s done?#idk man!! neurotypical people sure do say that shit should be easy for neurodivergent people#but they sure do struggle to be slightly accommodating without bitching#idk rant over peace out
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Doodle I did of my girl Juliet earlier
#keese draws#lobotomy corporation#oc art#not super happy with this but I do enjoy looking at her so I can lower my standards for her#at least I feel like I have a better idea of her general shapes now#I spent hours and hours today on the lob corp grind and I think Im Finally ready to actually move forward with they story#Ive also been thinking abt my nuggets during their lor eras and thats been fun#in particular its been fun to think abt my ogs because half of them are experiencing their crash from finally being free from lob corp hell#and the other half are like frolicking in fields and making friendship bracelets and have made peace with their past and upcoming futures#and that half is the half that are all just godawful people who do not deserve that peace and happiness while the people they actively#traumatized are just left to deal with it#this is mostly abt juliet and loki they both suck I love them sm <3#juliet is the one thats caused more active harm tho since shes that type of boss that will obsess over those she thinks have ~potential~#and once youve caught her attention you are guaranteed to have a horrible time as she will get what she wants out of you no matter what#she doesn't even work on abnormalities anymore just just breaths down ppls necks and fights when need be#loki is very similar in that regard he puts a lot of pressure on his team to provide the results he wants#hes less likely to like. directly psychologically torture those who are under him. but he still isnt a good boss.#hes also more openly rude and disrespectful towards those around him because while neither respect anyone but eachother#loki much more frequently openly states that fact to ppls faces because he feels like everyone around him is wasting his time#now loki actually does legitimately like a few other ppl he works with which is smth that cant rly be said for juliet#but hes also the one whos always on team 'lets murder the newbies for science' so y'know#ding is like his least favorite person here and its like 30% because he specifically accepted her into the info department because he#planned on getting her killed to finish off some research on a tool abno that was being worked on#but she survived the process so now she just like actually works here and he despises her despite the fact that shes rly good at her job#juliet doesn't usually send ger guys to die on purpose but if they do die she doesn't care#she simply feels that if they die early they were weak links anyways#she will still be 'nice' to newbies and to all of her coworkers for that matter but she still has quite the bad reputation regardless#some newbies do fall for her polite act but anyone whos been here for more than like a few days knows that she doesn't give a shit abt them#theyre both doing fine in lor theyre just like we may have lost everything but at least we have eachother :) (mason wants to strangle them)
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got paid for some fuckin rewards bullshit via prepaid digital visa gift card. needed that in my paypal so i can transfer to my bank acc and use it as real fucking money. paypal let me link yhe card but not add to pp balance from it. ended up having to send card balance to my own ko-fi (linked to my paypal) as a guest user. seems to have worked but now paypal has put 2/3 of it on hold and i have to wait a week before i can use it. but whatever i wont be needing it until next weekend anyway so? win i guess?
#next weekend is reptile show... wanted to have some money to spend so i can forget about how poor ive been bc of being too sick to work Lol#to clarify: im not being like. Wildly irresponsible by doing so. im working enough to cover necessities/pay family for bills#i just am choosing to try and set aside what i can to spend on soemthing that makes me happy and that ive missed doing for a long time#im mostly just pleasantly surprised that the “complete our app/site partner deals to earn gift card!” shit was real i thought i was wasting-#-my time lol. but it cost me absolutely nothing and im desparate and all it took was way too many hours spent playing shitty games in bed so#.pdf#rd
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#this thought just hit me and it’s not shade just a fact lol#but i see all these people on ig talking about decorating/designing their kid’s rooms#and i just. the IDEA that my parents would’ve put that much thought into our room when we were kids is…. absurd???#i was a menace#i drew on walls#i chewed up toys#i carved into the bed frame#we had a bunk bed a second hand desk a chest of drawers each and plastic boxes for toys etc#everything was mismatched and very erhm lived in#it gives me so much anxiety i physically cringe to think abt what it would’ve been like had my room been decorated and had fancy wall papers#and expensive matching furniture and godddd#i would’ve ruined it all and felt so bad and it would’ve been such a waste of time and energy and money#(i got my own lovely 90s decorated room w green wallpaper w i was nine and GOD the way i spent ages 9-18 decorating and redecorating that#room - but at nine i was a lot less mayhemish#anyways that’s besides the point)#i just realized i’ve never thought abt this before and that (mostly) women spend so much time on something that would’ve made no sense in#my home#(also parents being too involved w their kid’s own space makes me claustrophobic- i wanted A LOT of alone time and needed my own space#and the concept of my parents controlling my playing OR what happened in our room makes me stress sweat#oh boy this is rambly and i’m so happy i don’t have kids haha#)
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you meet the worlds most misogynistic person and its literally your mother
#thank god she doesnt have a son her daughter in laws wouldve cried#how she can actively say things like but women have to be lesser than men in some way is beyond me you are literally a woman??????????????#'the womans role is to give birth' maam WHY did u waste dollars to send me to school and university then#im not saying housewives are less they are very respectable!!!!!!!!!! but if both a husband and a wife are doing a nine to five why do u#expect the woman to ALSO take care of the children and ALSO do all the household chores on top of that ???????#men just exist to lay around ???????????#her argument is didnt people in the past do this. maam#the economy is ignificalty worse cost of living is way higher salaries are lower#a modenr family cannot survive on one persons salary!!!!!!!! and what man is completely willing to be the sole breadwinner and let his wife#spend his money as she likes#if u are expecting women to carry out the traditional role then men shouldtoo and be the only breadwinners and stay out for work everyday.#'didnt your grandmother do this? didnt she work as a teacher and also raise all three of her kids alone?' yes and my poor grandmother admits#to me that she wasnt happy about it and that she regrets a lot 😐#poor woman spent her life taking care of everyone#oh my god i hsouldnt get into these arguments with her. its a waste of my time and energy
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Oh, this is an astoundingly good and productive weekend. You sorted! You rested! You enjoyed and appreciated someone else’s creative work and can use that as the basis of conversation with old and new friends!
#this is a good weekend#no time spent pleasurably is ever wasted#what soothes away the pain#and makes you feel happy#is productive
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