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anonymous-swiftie · 4 years ago

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If you are on twitter, please retweet this:

https://twitter.com/ASwiftie00/status/1334245577933148164?s=19

Dear #Swifties,

I'm new on tumblr, and I really don't know how to use it.

I know you are the best supporters of the music industry and I'm here to ask your help.

I'm fighting with a crippling depression, that due this covid situation just got worse.

I'm at my lowest, I truly don't know if I will make it through this time.

I always dreamed to talk to Taylor, since I was a teenager. She is the only one that make me feel like I do fit in this world.

I've created this account because I know she is very active here, and I'm trying to reach her with this part of my story.

You can read everything below.

I didn't write any personal information because I don't want this to be seen by my family or somebody that can recognise me.

I don't want upset anyone.

I know that everyone hope to meet or chat with her, and so you are probably wondering why you have to share this here.

You're totally right, maybe it's a stupid idea to ask you this, but I haven't anything left in my pocket to fight this situation, and you're my only hope right now.

Thank you.

#taylor #swift

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Dear Taylor,

I keep writing and deleting this, over and over again.

I feel so dumb to write my personal story here, but this truly is my last chance to feel better and try to overcome this giant monster called depression.

I genuinly don't know if I can make it through this year. It's the worst period of my entire life and i don't even know if it's worth living this hell anymore.

I know you have millions of supporters (that probably write you every single day, and they are all better fans than I am, that's for sure) but I know that you proved, time after time, to be so down to earth and to use your time to read your fans messages.. so, in this moment, I'm just trying to share a part of my story with you.

You are the one that make feel understood, since I was like 13teen.

I'm so sorry if my English isn't very good but I'll do my best.

I'm not very active on social media , because I'm very shy when I have to talk about myself.. but If this could work, I must do it.

I will try to send a letter, If I can find the strength to mark this feeling on paper.

**IF I'M WRITING TO SOMEBODY FROM HER STAFF, PLEASE JUST LET THIS MESSAGE REACH TAYLOR**

I'll try now to resume, because I don't want to bother you too much.

This has been a crazy year so far, and the all the time I spent by myself during the lockdown didn't help at all.

This situation brought me back to childhood.

I spent a lot of my days back and forth in hospitals, due to my allergies.

I had to wear a mask all the time I wanted to go outside to avoid severe allergic reaction (that's why this Covid thing awakened some hurting memories)

I didn't have real friends back then, 'cause I've spent most of the summers at home, watching other kids playing around, from my window, or from the windows of my classroom.

It was so hard to make new friends, because the only thing that other kids saw was my mask.

I was the masked kid.

I was the strange kid.

I couldn't play with them.

Everytime I tried to play with them, the only thing I heard was "oh you are ill , I don't wanna be like you so stay away".

This situation made me start to write things in my personal diary.

I wrote small sentences, as a kid, and that was the only thing I could do alone inside an empty classroom during all summer.

This situation continued for many years.

I wasn't the cool kid before, I wasn't the cool guy after.

The only things that let me enjoy those days were writing and listening to your songs.

I started to listen to your music thanks to my English teacher. She was a fan of folk and country music and she gave me a pic in which you were singing near a lake (I still have that photo somewhere, I strongly remember the white banner with your name written in red on it) and told me to listen to the cd she gave me that day.

I immediately fell in love (I think I still have a crush on you, I'm sorry).

I loved your album. I loved your voice. I loved the lyrics.

I remember having a "test" in school: each one of the class had to write their favourite lyrics and let the others guess the song.

If the someone guessed It, We could play the cd.

I chose Love Story and I translated it in Italian.

The class guessed the song, and I played it.

After the lunch break I went back to my desk and I saw some bullies that were breaking my cd-album and they started to laugh at me because I loved your music an I loved writing poems.

I was a boy so I was a loser because I enjoyed those things.

That felt terrible, but I continued to love your songs even more .

Those were my inspiration to write and to study english.

I felt so good when I listened to your album and this still happens.

Then I went to a private high-school.

Nothing changed, I still was the nerd guy that always got good grades and I have to say that the first year was quite good, but the second year was the start of the apocalypse.

I choose that school because two girls that I knew from childhood went there.

One of the cool new guys started to spread a fake "news" about me.

He said to everyone that I was the boyfriend of one of the two girls that I mentioned before.

So he was the cool guy and one of the girls believed him and told me to f*** myself.

The other girl was her best friend, so you could imagine by what happened next.

After 14 year spent together, I was nobody.

I didn't have "friends" in that class anymore.

I didn't say hello to anybody for 4 years, and nobody would say anything to me.

Nobody to talked with me.

That's great when you're a teenager.

I hated to wake up every morning.

I had an eating disorder, I lost like 22pounds in less than a month. Got hospitalized twice. I kept vomiting for 3 years, every single morning before school.

During that time I only talked with one of my cousins, who lived like 2 hours by car from me.

He was older than me but he always tried to help.

He knew that I loved to write poems so he started to give me guitar lessons.

I made it through a lot of things thanks to him.

I'm sorry, It's hard for me to write this part of the story.

I still get emotional when I think about this.

On the 10TH of December 2013 (some days after his birthday) we received a phone call from his mother: She warned us that he didn't return home after the last working shift.

I wrote a message to him like 3 hours prior to that phone call.

Never had the opportunity to get a reply again.

This year is the seventh year that he is missing.

That destroyed me.

I felt empty.

I felt like nothing couldn't help me.

I still feel that everytime I care about someone in my life, it will disappear someday.

This have happened several other times.

You know when ignorants say that men don't cry, is real bullshit. Men cry. I cried a lot.

I wrote so many poems , lyrics, thoughts in that period of time, that I destroyed my hands.

That was the only way to close my eyes and let me reach another reality because the real one was way too much for me.

Be a sensible man in this world is somehow a curse.

All these things made me afraid even to hug someone 'cause I feel I'm too ugly or just to scared to be refused.

I will stop here my story, but there's so much more to tell.

I make it through all of these things and memories because I keep dreaming that one day I could meet you and we could talk together.

Dreaming about the fact I could spend a day with you made me find the power to battle my depression.

I'm 25 now and this year I'm not dreaming anymore.

I was going to start again university, I wanted to get a degree in marketing and have the chance to live in the us.

For years I believed that I would make it and hopefully be part of your marketing team.

I'm so stupid. All these years I kept dreaming to avoid pain.

I wanted to pursue my passion and continue to write lyrics but all I was doing was putting myself in unrealistic realities.

This covid situation made everything clear.

When everyone had someone to facetime (or video call) I was alone.

When everyone had someone asking them "how are you?" I only had myself looking in the mirror saying: "Will I ever feel better?"

I've never been the one for anybody, and I think I'll never be.

I won't be the one among all your fans to realize his dream.

Nobody likes me, and I'm exposing myself once again just because I want the opportunity to smile at something that could happen to me.

I'm tired to smile only for others best moments.

I've always seen the sun through a window.

I want to feel happy.

I want to burn my face with the sun.

I'm so sick of hiding my pain,

sick to cry when I'm alone in my car before going to work,

sick to let my eyes rain on my pillow every night.

I'm sick to say to my mother that I'm fine, just because I don't want to make her feel bad.

It's not her fault.

She is battling with a degenerative autoimmune disease, why I should put other weight on her shoulders?

I didn't give up to my weakness before because I don't want to hurt her.

I always say to her that soon she will feel better, that's why your song It's stuck in my head.

But when she won't be here anymore, how I can go through all of that?

I don't even know if will ever get better for me.

Will this pain ever stop?

Sometimes it's so hard to live and so easy to die.

Hope that my dream to spend some time with you can become true.

Thank you for everything, you gave me the strength to go on for many years.. But this time is so hard to put on my armor and continue this battle.

But is this even worth if thy I try to surround myself with people and I always feel lonely?

@taylorswift @taylornation @jackleopards-thedolphinclub

#swifties #taylor swift #folkore #music #ts spoilers #lover taylor swift #taylornation #swiftified13 #day 13 #pop music #books and libraries #writers #history #musicians #quotes #loneliest #love taylor #hopes and dreams

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mercuryonparklane · 3 years ago

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Okay, so I’m listening to a podcast Charity did in January 2019 and she confirmed that Liz got her the job on the Fearless Tour. She said that one of the dancers pulled out of the tour at basically the last minute and Liz suggested her to Taylor.

She talks a bit about her experience on the Fearless and Speak Now tours. She also says that she got to travel the world with her best friend (Liz) and says “that was just a dream. I mean, there’s so much drama and so much just... so many stories, but so much fun”.

She said that the Fearless tour was hard for her and that when she got the job she didn’t even know who Taylor was, which is kind of funny, especially since Liz was basically a Swiftie since day one.

She talks about her friendships with both Selena and Taylor and at one point says that “it was like Taylor passed the torch, which was me, to Selena”. And it was a lot of fun when the 3 of them all hung out together.

She tells a story about when she was on tour with Selena in Europe and they were staying at a hotel in Portugal that looked like the Great Gatsby house (they were obsessed with the movie at the time). They were drinking champagne and Selena was like “hey, let’s cut your hair” and she let her (which honestly gives me strong Tayliz vibes).

She talks more about tour life.

Then she says something I found very interesting regarding an IG post about deciding to make some changes in her career that the podcast host brings up, in which she wrote “there’s nothing more important than genuine connection, fierce love, authenticity, and to bring hope to one another”.

The hosts asks “when you were doing this part of your life, this crazy, exciting part of your life, were you experiencing that? As far as the fierce love, genuine authenticity, connection?”

Charity’s response:

“I think there were absolutely moments of that and I think what made it hard were the moments that weren’t like that, but seeing that even the most famous people in the world, all they really want is that connection, like, that real love, that authenticity. They just want to be them and now, because of social media and all these other things, which can also be great, it’s like everyone has this right to know everything about, or make up things about, these people that are just human, that are genuinely just like ‘I have this gift and I want to share it with you and I want to connect with you in this way’.

I think the hardest part for me, once I kept doing the tours and all of that, was realizing how much the fame wasn’t worth it. Just seeing a lot of the realities of that and seeing the pressure these people are under every single day that no one can even fathom. They barely get two seconds to themselves. There’s a tap on the door every other second, something that someone needs from them and just, like, the hopelessness that can kind of come from that.

People get to form their own opinions of these people and then they run with it and now there has to be all these PR people to keep other things from spreading, you know. Instead of just being like, ‘hey, yes it’s the price of fame now’.

But I think the thing that was really hard for me was having to be around things that kind of took the authenticity away or the connection away because of certain things that were expected and required of me or of these people.”

“At the end of the day we all want at least one person that we can sit and cry and be so authentically ourselves and vulnerable and not be worried that ‘are they gonna go and tell someone this?’

And just seeing the way... it’s hard to trust in that industry cause you don’t know who loves you for what you are and who loves you for who you are.

And that was really hard to watch and be a part of and be like ‘I care one billion percent more about being your friend than being your dancer or being your employee or anything else. Like, if you want to fire me from all of that and just let me be someone that can like hold you at the end of the day, let’s do that’.

And then I think what started wearing on me was because... was when I started being that for people and not having it for myself. So, yeah, that is when it started getting a little overwhelming because I wasn’t really even aware of that because I wanted to love so fiercely and have that authenticity.”

The host asked her if the decision to leave that life and career was a gradual thing or if there was a day where she was just like ‘I’m done”.

C: “Oh man, I went kicking and screaming. It was the hardest thing I could have ever chosen, but when I chose it, it was the first time I had felt real peace in a long time. I know that my story is so rare. Yes, I worked hard, yes I trained, but I also... I met the people I was supposed to meet and I kept relationship with people because I genuinely cared to and once I got all of the opportunities, and I auditioned for a lot of them too... yeah, it was hard to leave because I loved it...”

“I knew that I needed to take care of myself and I knew that I needed to be taken care of. That’s what brought me back home...”

“If I can say anything to anyone that’s choosing the entertainment industry, just don’t ever... oof, I can’t say that cause it happened to me, but if you ever get to a place that the industry of what you’re doing is taking the passion away from the craft that you’re doing, please take a break because you are giving out of empty and there’s nothing more life sucking than that. So, I had to take a step away because I needed to love myself and love dance again and be around people that I could just fall into their arms.

Living in LA is no joke. It’s hard. Anywhere that you live that you’re pursuing something in that kind of capacity is challenging and you always have to have your guard on, you know? You always have to be ready and I needed to not have to be ready all the time.”

She talks about moving back to Nashville and teaching dance. And basically just what she is doing now.

“I get to kind of figure out what’s next and pull from what I experienced, and go ‘ooh this is worth it’ or ‘ooh, that is not worth it’.

And just have a lot of grace for people that are still living that and artists that will never get to be like, ‘okay, you know what, I’m done. I’m gonna like be a normal person now’. They don’t ever get to escape and I got the sweet spot.

I got to experience all the cool stuff, then I got to be like, ‘I’m gonna go take a nap. I’m gonna wear sweatpants and no makeup for the next five days and no one is gonna photograph me or make up rumors about me’, you know?”

Anyway, she seems to be in a really good place now and that’s great. It does make me sad because it’s true that someone like Taylor or Selena is unfortunately kind of trapped in the industry in a way that someone who had a more background role isn’t. Ofc, there are people who do escape it, but it’s not easy. And as controlled and grueling as that life can be for a dancer, it’s gotta be a thousand times more so for the main talent.

This interview made me happy for Charity, but sad for Taylor and Selena at the same time...

Also, I’m transcribing this at like 4 in the morning on no sleep, so sorry if it’s a bit all over the place, but you can listen to the podcast here.

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paintingtownsblue · 4 years ago

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Hope you had a great day! If you want to answer this question privately, you can.

I don’t think I’ve ever asked this of you before. What’s your Swiftie story? In other words, when did you first listen to Taylor? What was life like for you then? Who introduced you to Taylor? What was your first reaction to listening to Taylor? 😊

no i’d love to talk about this actually i don’t know if i’ve ever told my whole story. so basically, i’ve always kinda struggled to settle on what to tell people when they ask how long i was a swiftie because when debut was released i was 1. yes a singular year old, but my family being country music lovers were definitely listening to her, i have a debut cd from 2006 in my room. so, i know i was listening along with them even if i don’t remember it at all. memories of listening to taylor a little later on but still early in my life come easier, screaming picture to burn with my childhood best friend in the car, making cookies with my friends on taylor’s birthdays, going to the speak now and red tours, all of which are little details i’ve mentioned before. it doesn’t really get iffy until the release of 1989 when my family isn’t listening to her as often as before because as i mentioned earlier, they’re definitely country music people. so i kind of just became a casual listener for a while after that. however i did NOT hop on the 2016 bandwagon of hating her, i could never, i was still just a casual listener and mostly a kid who had other “more important” things to worry about. i didn’t go to rep tour even though so many of my friends did. but i never disliked her and still listened to her music i just wasn’t as active in her fan base as i am now i guess. for me, lover is where things took a turn and probably why i cherish that era so much. i started becoming a more avid listener again and kept up with the news and what was going on with her. but i wasn’t the crazy obsessed kid i was in 2012 just yet. i think i have folklore to really thank for the way i am now, i was so surprised by the release of such a new album (as i’m sure everyone else was) that it just drew me right back in, i just had to hear it for myself. and from that point forward i’ve just been shaking hands with my seven year old self because i stepped back, let the universe guide me and i watched it begin again.

#this is so ironic because pop taylor might be my favorite of the three genres

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babydotcom · 4 years ago

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oooh i find 'betty' to be an intriguing WIP doc title … can u share more abt it?

hmmm. tell me about betty !!! (@ilunei)

yes, tysm!! so basically this is a highschool au mailee inspired by betty by taylor swift (bc zukka nation has given me swifty brainrot).

Mai has an unrequited crush on one of her best friends, Ty Lee, who is always there for her but not in the way she wants. When Ty Lee starts spending more time with Sokka, her new friend and physics tutor, Mai decides it’s time to move on-- and it just so happens that Suki is looking to kill some time after their highschool’s winter formal dance. Mai and Suki start dating and shenanigans ensue!!

This was initially a pretty simple one chapter deal but I kinda fell in love with the Maiki dynamic and now the whole thing is kind of getting away from me. (More under the cut bc I couldn’t help myself!)

"If you're going to be a total stick in the mud, I'm going to find someone else to dance with just to make you jealous," she pouted.

Mai's heart rate jumped just a bit, and she hoped Ty Lee couldn't feel it in the fingers around her wrist. It's not like she knew that yeah, she would be jealous, but it still made her nervous. She wrenched her arm out of Ty Lee's grip just to be safe.

"It's not like it'll be hard for you to find a guy to dance with. Literally every guy in this gym thinks he has a shot with you, since you love flirting so much." Ty Lee's eyebrows scrunched a little and her smile dipped slightly, and she looked like she would've said something if an upperclassman hadn't bounded up behind her. Mai quirked an eyebrow to say see, as a tan hand landed on Ty Lee's shoulder. Her face lit up when she turned to see who it was.

"Sokka! I didn't know you were here!" She throws her arms around his shoulders and he laughs, returning the hug with hands on her waist. Mai watches, wondering if maybe she'd made a mistake in not just going along. But the music had given her a headache and a phantom thrum in her chest that made her feel sick. Or maybe the nausea was just from watching Ty Lee ignore her in favor of a stranger.

"I just got here, I couldn't drop my shift at work. Dance with me?" He says, hands now on Ty Lee's wrist the same way Ty Lee had held Mai's just a moment ago.

"Yes! Spirits, yes," she says, bouncing on her heels with excitement. She turns back to Mai with mock coolness and says, "have fun being a stick in the mud," before bounding off with Sokka into the throng of people.

Mai can still see them from her seat on the bleachers, and her eyes track them as they rejoin what must be Sokka's group of friends, weirdly all juniors even though she knew Sokka was a senior, and began dancing, full of smiles and laughs Mai felt like she could hear even over the music.

She vaguely recognized the early 2010's song that came on next, but she was more focused on how Ty Lee and Sokka were dancing close together, his head lowered to say something in her ear before she threw her head back laughing. Not having Ty Lee to distract her with her rambling left her to be keenly aware of the very beginning of a panic attack washing over her. Resolute not to have a panic attack in front of a good two-thirds of her high school, Mai made her way through the doors to the hallway, and then out towards the courtyard that lay just before the parking lot. The cool January air in her lungs did a wonder on her nerves as she focused on her breathing, but she didn't think she could go back in. She paced back and forth over the concrete a few times, worrying the strap of her mini backpack in her hands, wondering just how mad Ty Lee would be if she asked to leave. She would have skated if Ty Lee hadn't forced her to leave her board at home in favor of Ty Lee's prius, which now also held her overnight bag for the sleepover they planned on and her change of shoes. She could just walk home, it wasn't a big deal, but that would mean pulling Ty Lee out of the gym to unlock her car when she had just started having fun. Mai couldn't help feeling a little bit bad about that, but school dances really weren't her style.

She walked up to the curb and pulled out her phone to shoot off a text to Ty Lee so she wouldn't worry, but was interrupted by a loud truck pulling up in front of her. Ever one to be wary of creeps, her hand went to the small knife she kept in the side pocket of her bag.

The window of the beat up old truck creaked down to reveal Suki leaning across the center console, hair down in a side part and a gold necklace dangling on top of her green strapless dress. "Lost?" she teased, a smile pulling at her lips.

"Haha," she said, dropping her knife back in its place. She knew Suki well enough, as they trained at the same dojo. "Hey, Suki."

"Are you leaving? I can give you a ride, if you want." Mai looked down at the aggressively strappy stilettos Ty Lee and Azula had insisted she wear, and considered her options before tugging the truck door open.

"That would be great, thanks." She dropped her bag onto the floor, which was impressively clean despite the rusting green exterior of the truck, and buckled in before stretching her legs. "How come you're leaving so early?"

"Ugh, that music was just, like, so bad. I don't know who can actually listen to trap for hours on end like that. I was so bored! I'd rather do something actually fun, you know?"

"Yeah, me too." Mai trailed off and noticed the Mitski song playing from the stereo system, a little scratchy from the definitely outdated aux connection to Suki's phone. Suki pulled away from the curb and drove slowly through the parking lot.

They spoke at the same time. "So, where to," Suki asks. "What are you doing now," Mai probes. Mai cringed internally at the awkwardness but Suki just laughed.

"I was gonna get high, actually." The car jostled as they went over the speed bumps at the edge of the parking lot (which Zuko always heartily ignores when he gives his friends rides) and Suki's gold sword earrings swung wildly. Mai's eyebrows lift at the honesty and she turns to look at her.

"Really?" Mai had tried it once, with Zuko and his friend (or whatever) Jet, but it was her first time and she'd hardly gotten even the lightest of highs.

Suki glanced her direction with a shy smile. "You want to join me?"

#tag game #mine #wip #mailee #maiki #very rough draft please be gentle #thank you both for the asks!!! ily!!!!!#atla

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ryansaiditposts · 3 years ago

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The Lore of Folklore:

The Real Story Behind the Characters of Taylor Swift’s Folklore

We are all familiar with Taylor Swift’s record breaking, surprise quarantine love child, Folklore. Even more so in the Swiftie fanbase, we are familiar with the proverbial “love triangle” established in “Cardigan”, “August”, and “Betty”. What if I told you that I believe the entire album is centered around just these characters at different stages in life with Taylor’s story woven in? Also, what if I said that Taylor/Rebecca were an allegory? Not to mention the complexity of “Hoax” being a combination of all the characters in one? Of course, you would probably ask me for clarification, and that is the intention of the next few paragraphs. These characters reveal certain patterns of behavior, call and responses, and self-referential phrases that map out a much bigger story to tell. The trio of songs mentioned above were just the starting point.

To give you an overview of where we will be going, I want to give you the songs as they relate to each character. These will then be fleshed out to connect them in the way I hear and see Folklore play out. The songs and respective characters are as follows:

Betty- Cardigan, Mirrorball, and Exile (featuring James)

James- Betty, This Is Me Trying, and Exile (featuring Betty)

Augustine- August, The 1, and Illicit Affairs

Taylor- Seven, Invisible String, Mad Woman, Epiphany

Taylor/Rebecca- The Last Great American Dynasty, My Tears Ricochet, Peace

All Characters- Hoax

The genius of this album is that the struggles and identifiers of these characters can sometimes be interchangeable. That is what creates the magic, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. There is more than one perspective to these stories, but this is all what I heard from Inez.

The 1 (Augustine)-

I have been sitting with this song for a while. I began to wonder why, for lyrics that for all intents and purposes were sad, did I not get sad listening to this song. Sure, it’s about loss and what could have been, but it’s mere conjecture. Almost like a love that never really existed outside of the storyteller’s imagination. A film that was never made, if you will. Then it hit me, “you weren’t mine to lose”. Augustine simply imagined what it would have been like if the man she did not end up with could have been the one. Betty and James DID have a relationship and the theme of this “film” is repeated in the stories told throughout this album. She would have not gotten the chance to have the movie kind of romance if he had not chosen to be with her. Rose flowing with his chosen family.

If one thing had been different, could everything be different today? Had he not already been in love with another woman, could we have been the greatest love story ever told? Something also struck me as odd. She called out him meeting some woman on the internet and taking her home. Knowing he has a tendency to stray, there could be a superficial level of jealousy. Imagining that he’s cheating on Betty, but disappointed that it isn’t with her. Not because she’s necessarily a bad person, but I think that as we will see later on in this breakdown, Augustine struggles with conventional relationship types and ties herself to sinking ships for the tragedy of it all.

Cardigan (Betty)-

So, not to rehash lore we are already incredibly familiar with, but this song is clearly Betty knowing that James is going to run back to her after straying the path. Cool, amazing, fierce. However, there is language here that suggests this is not the same instance as him showing up to the party. I believe that James has a very toxic pattern resulting from his wondering eye and Betty just has a bad case of loving him. At least, for a while. Betty likes the fact that she is able to show James who he really is when all is said and done, and being someone who has struggled with confidence, she doesn’t want to let this love go too soon. Even if she should. More on that in a bit.

Betty says, “Chase two girls, lose The 1”. We all assumed that she was referring to herself, but knowing that she was almost waiting for his return, it’s very possible that she intended to forgive him even before he asked. She had scars from years of not being enough and she may have even been bullied as indicated by this and him seeing in her what others could not when he was present in the relationship. That feeling of “what if” made sure she would not completely walk away. When you are young they assume you know nothing. Well, knowing something does not mean you know everything and I think she stayed long enough to find that out the hard way. Peter does lose Wendy because he cannot grow up.

The Last Great American Dynasty (Taylor/Rebecca)-

Taylor owns the previous home of Rebecca Harkness in Rhode Island. This beachside mansion has all the salt air and cliffsides to scream off of that anyone would want. Rebecca has a big reputation as a maneater who just isn’t ladylike and mild mannered enough. Sound familiar? Taylor Swift has been demonized, ridiculed, and made infamous based solely off of complete speculation. Rebecca faced the same fate as a middle-class divorcee who was cast as a gold digger after the Standard Oil estate. Truth is, both of these women were just in search of love that could last. Under circumstances far beyond their control these things ended so loudly that there was no right to privacy while they grieved or attempted to make sense of it all. Worse? They were blamed in a blameless situation.

Taylor makes her identity known to mirror Rebecca’s at the end of the story. So, what’s the connection to the album as a whole? Bill grew up in the area that the rest of them would eventually be in later on. Cliffside and salt air, the characters revisit these scenes and similar ones several times throughout the story. They lived at a different time here, years later. In fact, in terms of the house itself, it sat quietly for 50 years until Taylor would acquire it. She then marks her entrance to the rest of these stories as she then will later touch on points of her life leading up to Holiday House.

Exile (Betty and James)-

Communication is key. However, Betty and James eventually resented the back-and-forth nature of their relationship. He believed that she would always forgive him as she had always set that precedent each time before in their relationship. Although they always knew they walked a very thin line, they always felt like the other person would become better to them if they loved hard enough. Each had their demons, though. Between James cheating nature and drinking problem, he could become withdrawn and combative. Betty loved James so much that she gave him second, third and hundredth chances and even excused his more aggressive behaviors in a Streetcar Named Desire type loyalty. Until the branch broke that they were balancing on.

For someone like James, being left as a result of bad behavior can often be skewed as a betrayal in and of itself. Her leaving could have only been a result of her not telling him how to be a better partner. On the flip side, Betty was not clear in her signals of being fed up with his actions, but allowing him back time and again. The blame game ensues and each call out each other’s faults too little, too late. They have, in fact, seen this “film” before. They kept the hope that the cinematic love they were both obsessed with would eventually play out if they wanted it enough, but did not put in the work or self-reflect enough to make it so.

My Tears Ricochet (Taylor/Rebecca)-

Of course, it’s about a certain sellout record executive of her previous label who did not even have the decency to let her own her masters. I will not be bringing his name into it because he does not deserve to even be thought about. However, I think Taylor does an expert job of exploring the anger stage of grief and death that Rebecca and Bill would have had to face in his untimely death as well. The allegory dips in and out of this song to further establish the mirror effect of these two women and their fears/perception. Taylor calls out her own inability to leave with grace. Rebecca was left to burn at the stake after Bill died with no one to defend her either. While it is not his choice to have died, grieving does bring about emotions of abandonment when still panning out. Much like Taylor felt when the label she trusted acted like they had never met and that she had not given them her all to gift them any kind of notoriety.

Gathering stones is beachside activity, but when, so is collecting jewelry. This in a metaphorical sense could allude to also gathering dirt and receipts when it all falls down. This line has quite an impact in the context of a business transaction and the marriage of a rich couple. Toward the end, each woman speaks as though they have gone to the cliffside and screamed into the open air. Rebecca challenges the masses to go for her heart in same way the public felt she had gone for Bill’s, but knows that she would be missed all the same. Each woman is directly calling out their naysayers and bullies telling them they know they’re drunk on pain and negating the good they had done before tragedy. These fake people have both built them up and torn them down in times it benefitted them the most.

Mirrorball (Betty)-

As I previously mentioned, Betty struggles with self-confidence (relatable content). This song takes a deeper dive into Betty’s desire to be noticed by James in the way she needs him to and to show him that she knows him better than anyone else does. When he does not pay attention, she breaks into a million pieces. Although her friends consistently tell her that the end is imminent, she has committed herself to changing the narrative. She’s walking the tightrope, another call out to the thin line they feel they have always walked in regards to one another.

The insecurity is palpable in the self-deprecating “I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try”. Remembering from their teenage years, Augustine, a natural beauty, is able to draw men in with a sense of sensuality and a carefree demeanor. She doesn’t have to get too invested in relationships because she only chooses men that are in high risk, low reward circumstances. On the outside, it seems like she has all the confidence in the world and that is intimidating to someone like Betty who does not exude the same assuredness and has been burned by trusting unnecessarily before. In spite of this, Betty is still a believer in true love even if James has given her no indication there is reason to believe.

Seven (Taylor)-

Little Tay on her Pennsylvania farm just discovering her own voice and the meaning of friendship. Making her own tales of time gone by and recounting the origin story of a girl who makes “too much” noise any time she wants. Also, quite possibly the REAL queer-canon of the album. Taylor was close to someone who she has not seen for a while, a girl. She remembers the feeling more than anything and a certain protectiveness that she felt for this person who was having to hide in the closet. Labels did not matter and love was love in this scenario. She wants them to know their story and the care she felt for them is not forgotten and still a source of inspiration for her life in present day. Think “hope ur ok” by Olivia Rodrigo.

This song explores Taylor’s fierce feminism and activism into adulthood. The unwavering support she gives to the underdogs and why Rebecca’s story resonates with her so much. She was the wild child the world tried to tame with constant expectation. The subject of Seven that she befriended reminded her that there are beautiful things out there and grounded her in a way to keep looking for meaningful connections and to respect the stories of each person she meets to gain perspective.

August (Augustine)-

Somewhere on the beaches just outside this small Rhode Island town, Augustine was manifesting a relationship that she knew had a slim to none chance with James. Despite her hopes and efforts, August came and went. James dreamed of Betty with Augustine in his arms, but wanted is cake and to eat it too as a seventeen-year-old boy. The thrill of it all enticed him to give his summer to Augustine instead. Particularly because she was willing to pursue him in the way she did. However, much like the surface level pining found in The 1, she just wished she could write her name on his back in a performative ownership move as if to say finders keepers.

This superficial relationship was hallmarked in sex and lust by being spent tipsy and wrapped and in bedsheets. It wasn’t shameful or tawdry to two kids, but would show it’s truth one single time before becoming a feeling both would continue to chase. The shaky and electrifying experience of sharing firsts and secrets though “Never Have I Ever” and the charged nature of “Are you sure?” feeling like a pact. Until guilt set in for James, there was only excitement and both were forever changed. One by the hope of it all, and the other by the excitement.

This Is Me Trying (James)-

Years after the first thrill and eventual heartbreak, James has never found direction. He fell behind the classmates that moved on with their lives and ended up here. Still in their same hometown, he is a shell of a man grappling with depression and alcoholism. He’s in Betty’s doorway once again in her front porch light begging for forgiveness. He even matched Betty’s previous speech pattern in “Mirrorball” by saying “I just wanted you to know…” as if to respond to her finally because he sees her after it’s all been said and done. He pulled the rusted, vintage car that once made him so cool off the road to the same cliffside that they once made out in front of. This represents the edge that they all seem to stand at one point or another to contemplate their mistakes. He calls out his own substance abuse and aggression (which we talked about in Exile as well).

He wants to continue his same party lifestyle, but feels like an open wound because his bad behavior has finally caught up to him. All he thinks about are his own shortcomings, especially now that he is left alone with them. Betty once again gets compared to a film in a reel on the one screen they have in this small town. Now, only a memory instead of a reality. The defensiveness from being what he perceived as betrayal has subsided and he is left to face the cages he mentally put himself into and the fear that he was not as good of a man as he tried to project to others around him. Betty being the product of his transgressions since she is left broken and resentful toward him now.

Illicit Affairs (Augustine)-

Augustine finally pulls back the layers on why she continues to try to recapture the feeling that James gave her at a mere sixteen years old. Someone displaying all the confidence in the world may have had less than Betty in actuality. It was all a misconception. Instead, Augustine feels that her looks and sex are what she has to offer and by giving herself away, she hopes to capture lightning in a bottle one of these times. She recreates the same structure of what she had with James only to meet the same disappointment.

The beautiful setting of the beach house gives way to the parking lot behind the mall in a way. In some twisted way, James brokenness recognized Augustine’s and she had never been seen in real way before that and then not again after. James thought Betty’s level headedness would fix him and did not want to have to face himself via Augustine since they understood each other in the worst way. Like I said, that first taste left her living for the hope of it all and it was simply a dwindling mercurial high. A drug, though, that could work a hundred times over.

Invisible String (Taylor)-

Taylor’s stories are often on this album the only ones with direct references to actual places. This one references Centennial Park and Los Angeles. This is the story of Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn (William Bowery to some). This in and of itself is a modern day, currently in the making folktale. The idea of an invisible force bringing the two together to tell a great love story just like Taylor had always imagined. Here she self-references her own part in contributing to the media circus surrounding breakups and dating and owning her growth in those situations.

Allowing herself to live in the moment, she talks about the colors and touches of humanity this relationship has brought her. A deeper appreciation of the present and making memories that will one day make beautiful stories to tell for both themselves and for others that once tried to taint her narratives on hearsay. This is her story in her words and an expression of gratitude. Hell was the journey, but it brought her heaven.

Mad Woman (Taylor)-

This one is about the other one and his soon to be ex-wife. The one the masters were sold to. Shares a name with a two wheeled ankle destroyer and will also not be mentioned by me. This is a slight reference to her Rebecca allegory in the sense that character assassination played a big part in that story, but not enough to say it’s a direct correlation. Although, it is interesting to note that they are hunting all of the witches even if you aren’t one.

Taylor gets raw about the cheating nature of the man in question whether it is in business or in relationships and how he should be called out for it. There’s a hardship in feminism, though. She watches as a woman who knows she is in the wrong defend the thief instead of the robbed. It explores the right to be mad when lied to or stolen from, particularly when you’re willing to go on record with false statements if they serve a certain narrative. Undeniably, this moment will go down in infamy for generations to come. In a word, folklore.

Epiphany (Taylor)-

Paying homage to her grandfather, Taylor sets a scene as a war rages on. Keeping your helmet to keep your life is a good direct correlation to mask mandates that swept the country as COVID-19 developed. The horrors of watching someone die for things that may have arguably been avoided sets the anguish apart in this song to any other she has done. This is the world in a life and death lens and nothing else. Trying to make sense of what she and the rest of us are seeing when it did not have to be this way.

The most hard hitting look at medical staff and the precarious position they stood in for both instances is found in the bridge. They watch to make sure someone is breathing. They stand in the face of danger and are contained to one place while a threat is posed but serve unselfishly and risk falling like the people around them in the hopes of reaching a breaking point or a point of clarity in the chaos. On a metaphorical level, this song establishes a very important piece of perspective for us to hold onto long after this virus is contained lest we forget.

Betty (James)-

The first injustice and a look into the dramatics of young love. We now at least get to know why James loves Betty so much and humanize him a little more for the things he’s been dealing with internally since a young age. He comes off a lot more charming here even if unsure. Possibly a reason why he leans on liquid courage later on, James is actually a bit shy in group interactions. This also causes him to avoid confrontation if it can be helped or talking about his feelings. He also has a tendency to fear loneliness as a result so he’s easily convinced to go along for the ride even if it isn’t the right decision.

However, here, he nervously plans for weeks to gather up the courage to ask for a second chance. From what we can gather, he was likely forgiven in this instance which made him more comfortable than before to do so again and again. The cycle started here with this grand gesture, but post-cheating, the damage was likely already done since he had gotten a taste of the thrill. Betty would serve as a constant, but she would not stand alone.

Peace (Taylor/Rebecca)-

Taylor knows she will likely always be speculated on, but she loves intensely even if no one else believes. Here, you can see her sympathy and understanding of someone like Rebecca who no one ever even considered that she may actually love her late husband. All she can ever hope for is that the person she dedicates herself to can recognize how invested she really is and can handle the storm that comes with that. She talks with her own pack of friends being wild and rowdy much like Rebecca, but hopes he never sees that as a sign of disrespect. It’s just who she is.

Everyone DID think the love was for show, but they knew nothing of what happened behind closed doors. Does a woman pace rocks staring out at the midnight sea who isn’t missing someone? I don’t think so. Painting dreamscapes on the wall referring to the home they share together. The very same place that tied Rebecca and Taylor’s stories together in the first place. I think Taylor learned to embrace the madness before the rest of Rebecca’s story became hers and stopped apologizing for being so loud but remembered to continue to let love in.

Hoax (Everyone)-

Every time I listen to this song, I hear a different character speaking to me. Then I realized each one was just taking turns. This one is a bit different so I’m going to break it down by character:

Betty- He had drawn stars around her scars, but the way he made her feel was just as bad as the pain they caused. She believed him each time he said never again. She let him back in time and again to be hurt in the same way, but nobody else would have done for her if he could just be the things he promised to be. She was bound to him even though he never came through.

James- He knows exactly what he’s done and that he cannot fix it now. He knows that she possesses a love for him that will never die, but that is unrealistic after a certain point. He resigns himself to having to miss her forever. The hero has effectively died, so the movie has lost a purpose in plot. He tried, but did not succeed.

Augustine- She had a plan for them. No matter the means in which to get it, she wanted him to love her the way he did Betty. She used slight of hand and a little convincing to lead him to her. It left her aching for more when she knew that would never come back. August slipped away and there was no winning. Winter came and the ground was frozen.

Rebecca- She stood out there screaming for a reason why she had to be left alone in the life that was supposed to be theirs. I don’t think she ever quite got past that feeling of abandonment and just needed anything to believe in. This beautiful mansion had become a kingdom come undone. Bill’s heart had given out like a broken drum.

Taylor- When you sign a record deal at such a young age and a man who has always taken care of you in that time suddenly becomes your biggest enemy, it can certainly feel like a total heartbreak. The hoax was making her believe that even if all was said and done he would at least have her back. He most certainly did not. She screams at the sun (now eclipsed) on the cliffside while he listens to her stolen lullabies. The part of herself that remains in New York being her life’s work.

Please let me know if you have anything to add! Any new perspectives I may have missed? I would love to further this conversation and find new ways to explore the Folklorian Wilderness!

-Ryan Freeman

#folklore #taylornation #taylor swift #swifties

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pogueshomecoming · 4 years ago

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lover - john b routledge

requested? yes: if you happen to be a swiftie or know the song could I request a fic based on lover with john b?🥺 (I am not a swiftie but I will admit this is a song I could listen to forever)

description: having recently moved into the chateau officially, you spend a night reflecting on yours and John B’s relationship.

fill out this survey to join my taglist(s), here’s my masterlist, and requests are open

warnings: john b and reader are a little older in this, I imagined it as the summer after their senior year. domestic relationship vibes for sure, a lot of sweet fluff. I’m kind of in love with this so please don’t hurt my feelings

word count: 1.5k

You were never far from John B. At least, you didn’t like to be. Actually, he’d gotten in the habit of waiting for you to follow any time he got up to go talk to friends or get another drink at a kegger. Or anywhere, really.

But that’s where you are now, tucked into his side as he talks to some guys that were visiting the island. They were talking about surfing: the best places to go, the best times to go, what kinds of boards to use, and John B was shining. He loved knowing he looked like the guy people should ask questions, the guy that knows everything.

One of your favorite things is the way John B looks as the orange glow from the bonfire dances across his skin. You admire him as he talks, his face and hand (because one is secured tightly around your waist to keep you close) are so animated and show his excitement.

Watching John B do anything could never get old. Being right by his side any chance you got could never get old. You never wanted it to, anyway. John B was literally your best friend. The person you were closest to, the one you came to for everything. Three years of dating had passed in the blink of an eye, but at the same time, it felt like forever.

The conversation had moved on from surfing and the island to something else that you didn’t quite catch, but when there was a lull, you took the chance.

“Baby? Can we go home?” You whisper, not moving from your position of being attached to his side but tilting your head, so it was less noticeable that you were asking him something.

John B didn’t have to look at you to let you know he heard you, he just gave your hip a gentle squeeze, and you knew he’d wrap it up. You provide a polite wave to the three boys as you two walk away, going to tell the Pogues you’re leaving. John B’s arm stayed around your shoulders, his thumb at your hip, rubbing sweet circles just under the hem of your shirt. Another one of your favorite things.

“Hey, my lover and I are going home.” John B called as you two passed where your shared friends were sitting. The three of them collectively rolled their eyes but bid you goodnight anyway.

JB loved calling you his lover. To him, it felt more endearing, because he knew you loved him and he wanted to show it off. Even though you’d told him multiple times that people don’t usually use it in that context, but he never stopped. His excuse always was, “Well, saying, “the love of my life” takes too long.”

But John B was your lover, in every sense of the word. He showed you he loved you in a million different ways. It was in the way he kissed you awake every morning, in the way he was almost always touching you, in the way he protected you and made you feel comfortable wherever you were. The list could go on for days.

The van comes to a stop in front of the chateau, and John B hops out first. He jogs over to your side, opening the door with a goofy grin on his face. “Welcome home.”

Home. The chateau was your home now, yours and John B’s. His uncle had agreed to sign it over to him, and you’d both spent the last semester fixing it up whenever you had the time. It looked good now, and you were proud of what it was. So many of your memories had already been made here, but there were so many more to come.

“I think we should put Christmas lights up.” You say, playing with the hair on the nape of John B’s neck as he stands between your legs, still sitting in the van.

“In June?” He laughs, looking around.

“Why not? It’s ours now, we make the rules. Plus, it’s so dark out here at night.”

His hands that rest on the top of your thighs move to underneath, hoisting you into his arms. “Alright, we’ll go get some Christmas lights tomorrow.”

As John B is walking up the three stairs, he trips on the last one, stumbling inside but catching himself, and you, before he falls. You squeal, tightening your grip with your legs and your arms. “Jesus, John B, I could’ve died.”

“Oh, yeah, a near-death experience for sure. I’m so sorry, what ever could I do to make it up to you?” JB plays along, being dramatic with you is his favorite way of teasing you.

“Can we dance?” You ask, your lip jutting out.

“Let me shower first, okay?” John B kisses your forehead as he sets you down.

“Hurry back, I’ll miss you.” You wink, watching him skip to the bathroom with a goofy grin on his face.

“You could join me!”

Ignoring him, you sit down on the couch and wrap a blanket over your shoulders. As you look around the empty chateau, the old light bulbs cast a haze, making the air seem slightly foggy.

You looked at the empty table, five mismatched chairs sitting around it. Each one being claimed by one of your friends. The sixth one that completed the oddball set had been destroyed long ago, broken when JJ and John B barreled into it while they were fighting once.

What you’re really focused on is that your and John B’s chairs are next to each other. As if you’d be attached at the hips if you were actually sitting in them. Usually, the boys were the last ones at the table when you all gathered for game nights or dinner. You always saved him a seat. No matter how delayed John B was in getting to the table, or how many times the chairs had been rearranged, that never changed.

Then, your attention is brought to the kitchen. All of the nights that you and John B would stumble into the chateau, ransacking the cabinets for snacks or anything edible after a night of drinking at the boneyard. He’d get handsy after having to socialize all night long and not being able to tell you how good you looked dancing with Kie. It never failed that he saved his dirtiest jokes just for you.

But as you look through the window and to the couch on the porch, you’re reminded that not all of the memories here are good ones.

You’ve sat on that couch with John B and cried about so many things. That’s where you found him the day he got the news about his dad all those years ago. Even before that, he had sat there with you through a few breakups. You had this bad habit of giving boys your heart thinking they’d keep it forever, only to find out they were just borrowing it. John B was always there when it was returned in pieces, each time keeping one until he’d won you over.

John B shared plenty of heartbreak on that couch with you too. Girls had this habit of wanting to get close to him, but also wanting two of his four closest friends to disappear from the face of the earth. Boys having friends that were girls seemed to be a problem back then.

“Thinking hard over there?” JB’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts. He’s dressed in pajamas, his hair is stringy and probably still dripping, but he’s making his way toward you.

You stand, meeting him in the middle of the room like he’s a magnetic force that you’re attracted to. His hands make their home on the small of your back, and his arms pull your torsos together.

“Not too hard. Just remembering all those girls who swooned over you way back then. I think I’m still highly suspicious that every girl who sees you wants you.” Your nose scrunches in a teasing manner.

John B raises his eyebrows, chuckling while he shakes his head at you. “Oh, do girls still swoon for me?”

You hit his chest playfully, and he takes the opportunity to grab your hand and push you out so he can twirl you around. “There’s plenty, did you see that group of tourons at the boneyard tonight?”

He pulls you back in, shaking his head once more. “Nope, but I did see this one adorable girl. She definitely only had eyes for me, I could tell. Her eyes kept finding mine, and I was lucky enough that she sat next to me, much less talked to me. She did this cute thing where she asked me if we could go home. Turns out, she’s the woman of my dreams and my girlfriend. Crazy, right? It was unbelievable.”

JB’s face lights up as he talks, swaying you absentmindedly as he talks about you. You can’t help but laugh, your forehead falling onto his collarbone and your hair into your face.

“You’re ridiculous sometimes, but I love you.”

As the two of you dance around to nothing but the beats of your hearts, you feel content. You feel at home. You feel loved.

John B is your perfect match, your soulmate, but most importantly, he’s your lover.

thank you for reading! don’t forget to reblog if you liked it or send me feedback :)

john b taglist: @pogue-h , @shawnssongs , @hopelesswritingxd , @millie-753 , @thatsonobx , @jjtheangel , @ohbx , @babysbestlife , @psychicforest , @fanficscuziranout , @maebanks , @diverdown06, @thelocalpogue , @maybe-maybanks , @extratragic , @alexandracheers , @a-brooding-bird , @ughitslizz , @damonsalvawhore27 , @beth-winchester21 , @pixelated-pogues , @tomfreakinghollandneedsaoscar

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artificialqueens · 4 years ago

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Come Home to My Heart, Chapter 9 (Lemyanka) - Plastiquedoll

read on ao3 ✨| previous chapters

A/N: ANGST :D LACK OF COMMUNICATION BOTTLED-UP FEELINGS… This is a little re-cap from Lemon’s pov to fill some blank spaces and now ONE MORE CHAPTER TO GO! I hope you enjoy it and thanks for reading it! <3

-9-

Somewhere in New York City, two weeks ago.

Lemon was packing her things for the trip, she’d still have to pick Rita up from the airport and refuel before hitting the road. She was already low-key stressed out by the traffic reports when Jan walked into her bedroom.

“Hey, Lemony. Are you still packing?”

“I need to get those things inside my suitcase.” She pointed at the pile of clothing that was still sitting on her bed. “And I want to leave early in the morning to get the most sunlight on the way there.”

“Okay, I’ll help you closing the suitcase, to begin with,” Jan said, trying to help her afflicted roommate.

Once they were done, the blonde was still clearly uneasy about the whole road trip.

“What’s the matter?”

“I don’t know… I have this feeling in my chest… something about all this.”

“Lemz, I told you, you have to cry when you feel like or the anguish is going to blow up when you less expect it.”

“No, it’s not that –although, thanks for the reminder- it’s something else…”

Jan waited.

“I dreamt of Priyanka last night.”

“Oh…”

“It was a weird dream I can barely remember a thing, we were like ten again and we were in the local swimming pool and then we were twenty again… I don’t know.” Lemon sat on the edge of her bed.

“Maybe it’s a sign. Something in your subconscious is taking you back to her.” Jan wasn’t a psychology major but sometimes it felt like she was.

“I… why? It’s been seven years since we last met and it didn’t end well. Why now?”

“Because seven years is more than enough time to heal, I guess. Is she in Toronto?”

“Yeah…” She was never going to admit to Jan that she used her idea of befriending people in social media… many years later.

“Why don’t you drop by?”

“Are you out of your mind? To do what? I show up out of nowhere and say hey wanna hang out?” Lemon sounded exasperated. “Besides, I don’t know if I wanna see her.” She crossed her arms on her chest. “Maybe I don’t… maybe I’m okay with this being the way it is.”

“Girl, you’re not. I know it, you know it, we all know it…”

“No, I can’t go to Toronto. That’s crazy.” She shook the idea off her head. “I’ll go back home and spend some time with my family and then I’ll be back in time for the dance festival in three weeks. It’s planned perfectly.”

“Okay.” Jan, who understood Lemon’s struggles the most, was always supportive when it came to Priyanka. She just patted her back and let her be.

A half-hour later, Lemon drove to the airport to pick Rita up. That night they went out to have dinner at some fancy restaurant in Manhattan –Rita’s knowledge of New York came up exclusively from Sex and the City and Gossip Girl thus Lemon let her live the fantasy for one night. After all, she paid.

They stayed in Lemon’s apartment since Jan was spending the night at Jackie’s and the following morning they woke up before the sun rose on the horizon. Lemon picked some coffee and breakfast from the nearest café open and then they hit the road.

Rita did her best to stay awake but she kept yawning so Lemon let her sleep for a little. In the meantime, she played some music from the CDs on the glove compartment. She started with the ageless Survivor and then switched to Teenage Dream.

Lemon had her car for over a year now and she had become a much more diligent driver during that year. Before she wouldn’t even have considered driving to Canada but after getting used to the traffic in the city and the sound of ceaseless horns and people yelling, the highway was like a child’s play.

Rita woke up when the sunlight hit her in the face, right on time to change the CD again.

“Oh, can I pick the music?”

“Sure,” Lemon pointed at the glove compartment. “there you have a few if you want to look around or the radio…”

“I brought this one.” She rummaged through her purse and pulled out a Taylor Swift CD.

“Rita I didn’t have you for a Swiftie.” Lemon arched an eyebrow. “I’m not the biggest fan but… okay.”

“But she’s really good.”

Bonding trip, bonding trip, bonding trip…

Lemon didn’t know how she ended up listening to a country album but Rita seemed happy while singing some of the lyrics along. She had to admit there were some bops there. Love Story with the Shakespearian references was good, she’d give her that. She was paying attention to the road mostly.

And then it hit her.

Track nº 6 – You Belong with Me.

Lemon was sure she had heard that song on the radio before and seen the music video somewhere –most likely- but she had never truly listened to the lyrics until that moment. The tune was catchy or whatever but the chorus –and the bridge- really resonated with her.

She closed her grip over the steering wheel once the song was over.

“Rita, play it again.” She said, dead serious.

“Huh? Okay…”

The sixth time, Lemon had it. She was almost in tears screaming from the top of her lungs.

Oh, I remember you driving to my house

In the middle of the night

I’m the one who makes you laugh

When you know you’re ‘bout to cry

And I know your favorite songs

And you tell me 'bout your dreams

Think I know where you belong

Think I know it’s with me

“Again.”

“Lemon, I think it’s time to stop. This is an intervention.”

“I said, play the song again. The bridge really makes me feel something.”

“I can tell…” Rita looked concerned. “I think it’s a good moment for us to switch positions. I can drive for a little.”

She probably fucked Rita’s CD by repeating that song so many times but the echo that it left inside Lemon’s head was like an expansive wave and it reached the deepest, recondite memories of her mind.

She spotted Priyanka the minute she walked into the dining, how could she miss it? Priyanka always managed to draw attention wherever she went and she wasn’t even conscious about it most of the time.

Seeing pictures on someone else’s Facebook wall was one thing but seeing her life had taken Lemon by surprise. She should’ve suspected when she saw Kiara and Scarlett together –and they had seen her too- so it was probably just a matter of time for her to find out as well.

Lemon couldn’t take her eyes off her.

Days prior to her arrival, Lemon had just the normal amount of experiences next to her family, visiting relatives she hadn’t seen in a while, going out to have dinner with her dad, his wife, and Rita, visiting old friends and places from her childhood…

She didn’t expect to meet Priyanka there –just like when she had returned for her dad’s wedding- their paths didn’t cross that occasion and this time was supposed to be the same except it wasn’t. Priyanka was in town and she was there, at the same place at the same moment as Lemon, something she only had dreamt about. Literally.

She had stopped listening to what Boa was saying and in consequence, spilled some orange juice on the denim jacket she had over her dress.

“Oh, shit!” She rushed to grab a napkin.

The girls on the table tried to help her, she removed the clothing item and left it on the table assuring it would dry but excused herself to go to the bathroom for a moment.

Lemon needed to think straight.

Well, no, not that… scratch it.

Lemon needed to think straight clearly.

She could walk directly to their table and just say «hi!» short, sweet, concise… or something like «I just came to say hello» that would give the right idea of her being friendly… right?

She pulled out her phone and called Jan, it was an emergency call.

“Jan… pick up… pick up…”

“Hello?”

“Oh my God, Jan… this is a disaster and I’m gonna die.”

“What? Wait… what happened? Are you okay?”

“Priyanka is here.”

Long pause on the phone.

“Oh, I see…”

“And I’m freaking out because I don’t know what to say or how to act in front of her anymore… and now I’m hiding in a bathroom booth like a vile fifteen-year-old.”

“Lemon, breathe… you need to calm down.”

“No shit… I don’t know if I can do this… what if I fuck it up again?”

“Just say «hi», nothing bad can come from a hi.”

“That was my first choice, thank you… I think I will… wish me luck.”

“Fingers crossed!”

She hung up. At that moment, someone else got inside the bathroom and got in the contiguous booth but Lemon was too immersed in her own thoughts to notice. She walked out, washed her hands, and made sure her hair was looking fine.

Just say «hi». She was going to walk to that table and say hi… It couldn’t go wrong.

Except it did.

Priyanka wasn’t at the table, why wasn’t she at the table? Lemon had just seen her. How was possible that when she finally brought herself to take the first step she wasn’t there? Was she hallucinating? You know what? That was so typical Priyanka never staying quiet for so long in a place and…

Her thoughts started bubbling while she tried to maintain a polite conversation with the other girls. There was one particularly pretty she hadn’t seen around before named Denali, would she be close to Priyanka too? Lemon felt a pang of jealously.

And then, she appeared.

Everyone at the table went silent and when she turned around, there she was.

Taller than Lemon could remember, absolutely gorgeous like a goddess with her long hair and pretty features, it had been a while but there she was, just like she remembered her.

Lemon attempted to smile but it became awkward. She was so nervous she couldn’t say anything…

“Well, that’s my cue to leave.” She smiled at the people sitting at the table. “It’s nice to see you, guys. I hope we can hang out sometime.” She was about to run away because even when she thought she could do it, she couldn’t.

“Hello to you too.” Those were Priyanka’s first words in all that time.

And then, the rage took over.

Was it so difficult to call her back?

Seven years!

“Oh, so you can speak now…”

It went downhill horribly after that.

Lemon stormed out of the dining, walked a little trying not to show her true feelings, and finally laid against a wall to recover from what had just happened. She let the air out of her lungs and then remembered her bag, her jacket, and her car keys were still inside. Luckily enough, she had brought her phone and rushed to text Rita to get her things.

Her hands were still shaking and if she looked through a window she’d spot her again. There was nothing else that Lemon wanted to do but she also felt the need of kicking and screaming, to do something with all those feelings that she had piled up in her heart.

She needed to clear her mind and, in order to do that, she needed to dance, put her body in motion somehow.

It was time to go out.

Lemon felt the most comfortable dancing and the dancefloor was like a second home for her. There she didn’t need to think much, just feel the rhythm and let her body do the rest.

Naturally, she felt deeply aggrieved when Priyanka showed up to disrupt her sacred space.

Well, it wasn’t that sacred, it was a nightclub or whatever.

Yet, how dared she?

How dared she showing up like that?

How dared she looking that beautiful with that top that revealed her back?

Lemon gulped when no one was watching.

She was with that pretty girl from the other day, Denali.

Wait, what if…?

Priyanka had all the right to date someone if she wanted to and who wouldn’t date Priyanka? She was amazing, funny, so beautiful… Maybe there was a real chance that she was dating that girl –that very attractive girl- and good for them… it was a good thing, right?

Fuck it.

Lemon stole Priyanka’s drink, she needed something strong to numb her senses and erase those thoughts.

The shot gave Lemon a dosage of renewed confidence, she could feel physically her inhibitions abandoning her body. She smirked at Priyanka and stared directly into her brown eyes before heading to the dancefloor.

She lost herself among the crowd, closed her eyes, and let the alcohol take over, making her feel lighter. She danced and danced for the longest time as if she had a pair of red shoes on, going with the flow was something she mastered and she proved it.

She didn’t know how long it had been but when she opened her eyes, she spotted Priyanka on the bar again. A sense of heat ran through her body before the idea she was being seen. Her moves became more calculated, she wanted to put a show for real this time but make it effortlessly like she had no clue like she wasn’t aware of the girl’s presence so close yet so far.

She followed Jennifer Lopez’ instructions in the lyrics of On The Floor.

Dance the night away, live your life and stay young on the floor.

She didn’t care if she was sweaty afterward or how sore her feet were going to be the next morning, she had achieved her goal.

And now she was thirsty which led to the bar and to…

“Ew, cinnamon.” Only Priyanka could like something like the taste of fireball.

Lemon recognized the guy that tried to grope her on the dance floor and of course, she told him to fuck off even when it sounded harsh for Priyanka.

And from moment to another –things were happening too fast- she was drinking tequila with her former best friend from kindergarten.

Lemon stared at Priyanka, her makeup was perfectly done and it looked like an ad for the rest of the night regardless of how much she danced. Maybe she was being biased since Priyanka hadn’t ever looked bad in her eyes.

“That girl… Denali…” Lemon tested the waters at the mention of her name. “is she… close to you?”

She had to know… if she was dating someone…

“I adore her, yeah.”

“Is she… your girlfriend?”

But Priyanka was a little shit who wasn’t going to give her a straight answer to one simple question. Instead, she asked the blonde something else.

“Would you care?”

Yes, she would.

But instead of saying that, her first instinct was to storm out and basically run away as she had done before. She was being a coward, yes, but she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t answer that question, not at that moment, when she wasn’t careful enough with her words.

There was a big chunk of that night that was dedicated strictly to dancing, if her shoes weren’t completely worn out by the end of the night what was the point? But she kept an eye on one girl here and there until she lost it and she was anywhere to be seen.

Lemon didn’t want to admit that she looked around like a lost puppy but that was exactly what she did –she was drunk, okay?- and lonely.

She could only be outside or, in the worst scenario, she had gone home already.

Fortunately, Priyanka was smoking outside.

Smoking?

“There you are.” She said, eloquently to her judgment.

Priyanka shrugged. “Here I am.

There she was, looking all perfect and beautiful and…

If Lemon could only take some courage and put it into words…

Instead, she just pointed the height difference between them.

After that, it became blurry, she probably babbled a little –although she did remember the sound of Priyanka’s laugh and being called a Polly Pocket the next morning- next thing she knew she was on a taxi, texting Rita to open the door so her dad wouldn’t hear her.

And the following morning…

Jeez, she had one infernal headache. The room was spinning and not even when she laid down and closed her eyes the movement stopped. Rita had contemplated poking her with a stick but she had read somewhere that it wasn’t recommended to bother a wild animal on their sleep and it applied to drunk Lemon as well.

Finally, she walked in, it smelled like a liquor store in there and the environment was probably flammable.

“Lemon…” Rita whispered. “I’m going to the mall and your dad and my mom are having lunch with some friends. Are you going to be okay?”

“Mmmh…” She was breathing at least.

“Okay, remember they’re cooking dinner tonight.”

“Mkay…” She mumbled.

“Love you, bye.” She blew a kiss in the air and closed the door.

Lemon woke up what felt like hours later, she forced herself to take a bath. There wasn’t a damn aspirin to be seen in that house and she had already drunk more water than her bladder could handle. It wasn’t the best of the starts but at least she could walk.

When she stopped feeling dizzy, she grabbed her keys and drove to the supermarket because there weren’t Froot Loops either and her morning –morning being a loose term since it was almost noon- was already bad enough.

Not to mention that some idiot was playing around with a shopping cart inside of the supermarket and almost destroyed the cereal aisle.

“Jesus Christ you’re going to kill someone with that.” She clutched her imaginary pearls.

Wait a minute, she knew that idiot.

“Fancy meeting you here.” Priyanka mumbled.

Not now, not with that cranky mood, not with a killing headache, not when she only wanted a bowl of cereal and crawl back to bed.

Of course she was going to tell her to fuck off.

But then…Priyanka picked the cookie cereal and Lemon’s stone heart melt right in the spot. For years, whenever she saw chocolate chip cookies in the aisles of the supermarkets, in cafés, or with freaking girl scouts, she couldn’t help but think about that little kindergarten girl with big brown eyes and crumbs over her face.

And years later, she was in front of her…

Some things might have changed but they felt oddly familiar at that moment.

Priyanka not only had terrible taste in drinks, but it also applied to cars too… because that thing was setting on fire in no time.

Lemon had just walked out of the supermarket, she crossed the street, put her things into the trunk and bought some aspirins but when she was about to leave, she saw Priyanka sitting at the curb under her personal dark cloud… and another dark cloud behind her.

She should’ve left her there, it wasn’t any of her business but… she looked truly devastated.

“Looks like you could use a ride.” Priyanka glared at her.

“Not now.” She blurted out. “I don’t have time for your snarky comments so please refrain from saying anything you’d think is clever.”

Lemon lifted her sunglasses. “I’m not trying to get on your nerves; I’m legit offering you a ride.” Priyanka didn’t seem convinced. “Think for a moment, your groceries are going to go bad with the heat and no air conditioner.”

C’mon Priyanka, think for a moment…

“The ice cream bars…” She was on the verge of tears. “Fine. Yes, I need a ride, would you be so nice and help me out?”

“Come with me, my car is around the corner in front of the drugstore.”

“Buying some aspirins?”

“Cut the slack I’m trying to do a good deed here.”

“For a change.”

She was expecting a comment from the brunette about the fact that she had a yellow car and she did it as soon as they got into the car. What Lemon didn’t expect was forgetting which street led to Priyanka’s house. Maybe back in the day, she didn’t pay much attention but she was sure something had been changed, she remembered the way like the back of her hand… or maybe she didn’t.

It was nice of Priyanka to ask about her family. Lemon’s mother always asked at loud if she had news of the girl to which the blonde replied grumbling that they weren’t friends anymore. She secretly hoped her father would tell her if he had seen her in the supermarket or the street but since she moved to Toronto those meetings became rare… that was part of why she put Jan’s plan into motion.

Because she always missed her.

Then, Priyanka asked about Rihanna… how dared she questioning her impeccable music taste?

Obviously, she liked Rihanna. What kind of stupid question was that?

“Hey, this is the album you gave me before moving to New York, remember?”

“I do… that’s actually the copy I used to have in my room… the one we listened to on my radio.”

Lemon’s hands closed their grip over the steering wheel. That album was one of her most treasured possessions, she had shed giant tears the day it stopped working when the stereo of the car kept spitting the CD no matter how many times she tried it. The box had a permanent space inside the glove compartment.

Having Priyanka sitting next to her, holding it in her hands felt surreal for a moment as if seven years had never passed.

“Why did you keep it?”

Lemon thought about that question. Sometimes simple objects like that were the only link to the past and having them around was like owning a time-traveling machine that took her directly to the memories, that took her back to Priyanka and to that bond that once felt unbreakable.

Instead, she mumbled something about «sentimental value» which was the most generic thing to say.

Now, going back to her house did feel like they were using a time machine. It was comforting to know that some things were still the same there but still, the passage of time was perceptible through photos or little details that Lemon remembered. There were more children in the family pictures and it hit her that Priyanka’s mother was now a grandmother and that Priyanka was now an aunt. How crazy was that?

Back in the day, she couldn’t even imagine her friend taking care of a plant much less a living human being, and still, the photos told her otherwise.

Thank goodness the aspirins were starting to work but even though, that headache wasn’t going to stop her from fighting for that car that her friend –for some reason- loved so much. That mechanic was going to have a piece of her mind, she didn’t care if the car was actually set on fire with flames coming out of the engine, he had to tell Priyanka there was a possible solution to that problem.

All was not lost.

That was what he had said and a phrase that lingered in the air long after. It even made Lemon feel hopeful about the car’s state and considering she had called it a jalopy multiple times, it was something.

“Thank you, Lemon… for helping me so much today. You didn’t have to but still, you did.”

Priyanka’s words made her heart swell.

She started the engine. “You’ve done the same for me no questions asked.”

She knew Priyanka would have.

“Are you feeling better after the aspirins?”

“Yeah… I’m never drinking again I swear…”

“That’s a lie.”

“It is…”

“Do you even remember what you said? Last night?”

The question caught Lemon by surprise. She was trying to rack her brains to find that missing information, one of the endless possibilities of stupid things she might have said while being drunk… chances were…

“What did I say?” She was about to have an attack of some kind.

Priyanka started laughing.

Bitch.

“Priyanka, what did I say?”

Her hands were shaking but she held the steering wheel tighter.

“You called me Sprinky and kept asking if Denali is my girlfriend.”

Lemon breathed again. “Thank God… it was just that…”

Her soul had returned to her body.

“I remember that part, you never answered the question anyway.” She said. It seemed appropriate to bring the question back so she could have a clear answer.

Priyanka sighed. “Denali is my friend. Just that… we’re friends. Are you happy now?”

…sort of…

She was about thirty percent happier… yeah… was it something bad?

And then the conversation went somewhere Lemon knew they would eventually talk about.

“So you know… you know I like girls…”

Lemon could feel the sense of fear behind her words, the what if I’m not accepted? After pronouncing that short sentence, after baring her soul.

Lemon just nodded.

“And are you okay with that?”

She looked at Priyanka. “Why wouldn’t I? Of course I’m okay with that…”

Lemon wanted to scream from the top of her lungs… how could she even imagine that she wouldn’t be okay with it? When she…

“Don’t tell me that on top of you thinking that I dislike Rihanna you also consider myself to be homophobic or an ignorant asshole… that being the same thing.” She spat.

Then, she told Priyanka about Jan and Jackie and she suddenly found herself missing them, wishing her friends from New York could also be there in her hometown, she wanted them to meet Priyanka and her high school friends… having her two worlds collide.

After dropping Priyanka back and seeing her mother again, Lemon left with a sense of warmness over her body. She had spent an entire afternoon with her childhood best friend and they were finally at a point where they felt comfortable with each other to share new things and anecdotes alike like normal friends.

Friends.

A friendship with Priyanka was something she had never expected from that trip back home.

Later that week, Lemon got a text message from Boa asking if she was going to the lake thing she was organizing. Her phone buzzed a second later she read the first message.

«I ran into Scarlett and Priyanka and they’re in.»

Lemon bit her inner cheek. She didn’t care, why she’d care?

Right… they were cool now… they were somehow friends again…

But going into nature wasn’t something she was particularly fond of. She still had a scar from that time her dad had insisted that hiking was a good father-daughter activity. Why couldn’t they plan something like a shopping day? Inside of the mall, with functioning air conditioning… wonders of the modernity like electricity?

“Rita, do you want to spend the day in a lake?” She asked the other girl who was flipping through a book’s pages while sitting on the sofa.

“Sure, sounds interesting.” She said without looking away from the book.

“Ugh. You too?” She slumped on the sofa.

She sighed loudly.

“What’s the matter?” Rita asked, accustomed to her behavior and unbothered by it.

“I don’t know… I’m don’t want to go to a lake but…”

She wanted to see Priyanka.

“Don’t go then.”

“No! That’s not the solution.” She grumbled. “Ah, I don’t know…”

Rita closed her book. “What would cheer you up? Pizza? A movie? What’s that movie you’re always talking about?”

“Mean Girls.”

“The other one.”

“Clueless.”

“One that I haven’t watched before.”

“Oh, you mean Drop Dead Gorgeous?”

“That one… why don’t you go get the DVD or something and we’ll watch it tonight.”

Lemon was about to protest but she just nodded. “Okay… I’ll drop by the video club.”

“And I’ll order the pizza.”

“Can you also order mozzarella sticks?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.” Lemon got up and walked toward the garage. The door close behind her.

“Now I can finish this book.”

She knew that the greatest film genre a.k.a. the chick flick movie genre was in the same aisle and that the DVD she was looking for was there, somewhere. It was an empty DVD box but she’d take it to the cashier and show her dad’s membership card or so to pay for it.

Lemon had the DVD on her hands when a little kid almost ran over her.

“Wow! Careful there.”

She looked at the little girl in front of her and she had a déjà vu. By a general rule, Lemon didn’t like children –from the distance they were alright but upfront…- she didn’t know what to do with them. However, this kid immediately got her soft side because she reminded her of someone close to her heart.

The little girl with big brown eyes stared at her for a moment. Lemon was paralyzed thinking she was going to cry or something but to her surprise, she just gave her a compliment.

“You’re very pretty.” She said with her adorable voice.

If there was something she liked, it was getting complimented.

“Aw, thank you…you’re very pretty too.”

Wait, was she on her own? Maybe she didn’t find her parents.

Lemon kneeled to get closer to her level. “Are you lost?”

She shook her head.

“What’s your name?” She tried again.

“I’m Melanie.”

“Nice to meet you, Melanie. I’m Lemon, like the fruit.”

“Nice to meet you… Miss Lemon.”

She was going to melt right there.

“Did you come here with your mom? With your dad?”

She shook her head again. “With my auntie.”

“Ah, I see… What do you say if we look for your auntie?”

“She’s right there.” She pointed at someone behind Lemon.

Lemon turned around and met the brunette’s eyes.

Her heart skipped a beat.

“Oh. It’s you, auntie… I should’ve guessed.”

“The resemblance is uncanny, isn’t it?” Priyanka smiled proudly.

It was the girl she had seen in the pictures, back at her house the other day and now, seeing them next to each other, she couldn’t deny they looked alike.

Wait for a second, her name was Melanie?

“You really convinced your brother to name his daughter like two-fifths of the Spice Girls, didn’t you?”

Priyanka panicked. She rushed and covered her niece’s ears. “Shhhh… He doesn’t know that yet. It took me seven of the nine months of my sister-in-law’s pregnancy to plant the idea… neither Ginger nor Emma were working, so it was down to Melanie or Victoria.”

Of course…

Then Priyanka sent her niece to get a movie and they exchanged some commentaries about the movie Lemon was about to rent. It surprised her when the brunette asked about the lake activity.

“So… are you going to the lake thing Boa’s planning?”

Lemon shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not that into nature and being eaten by bugs…”

Sounded lovely when she put it like that.

“Oh, so she’s a city girl now.”

“Listen, I spent a good ten years of my life going camping with my dad and hating every second of it. I thought it was finally over when I moved.”

“The girls and I are going… and I’m sure we’re taking some type of booze with us, snacks, a campfire… It will be fun.”

Could it be that…? This was her chance to know.

Lemon tilted her head. “I didn’t know you wanted me to go.” She knew exactly what she was doing.

“Boa said the more the merrier… plus my car is still at the workshop and Scarlett might have screwed up her relationship with the one person that has a car among us.”

“So you need a ride… that’s it?”

Disappointing… Although, she was used to.

“Yeah… and it’ll be fun being all together again.”

“Sure… okay. I’ll tell Rita and we’ll be there.”

“Really?”

Lemon nodded.

Hey, maybe she was right and it would be fun… kind of.

At that moment, Priyanka’s niece returned with a DVD of Brave in her hand.

“Are you dating my auntie Pri?” She asked unscrupulous and unfiltered like any six-year-old.

Lemon almost had a heart attack. She just stared and then looked at Priyanka.

The brunette’s mouth dropped to the floor.

“Mel! You can’t ask people… That’s not… You don’t get to…”

“But daddy said that you like girls and that if you were going to date someone it would be a girl… and she’s a girl.”

Lemon covered her mouth with her hand, she was blushing underneath.

“Mel just because I’m talking to a girl it doesn’t mean that I’m dating her.”

“But she’s pretty… she’s prettier than you.”

“Oh, I like her.” Lemon giggled.

“Hey! You little brat, who’s the one renting movies with you.”

“Why aren’t you dating her, auntie Pri?” Priyanka covered the girl’s mouth.

Lemon didn’t say a word but she’d like to know the answer to that question as well.

“Okay, I think it’s time to go home. Brave, huh? Good choice.” She looked at Lemon. “See you on Thursday…?”

The blonde smiled. “I’ll pick you up.”

“Okay, great.”

“Goodbye, Priyanka. Bye, Mel.” She waved at them.

She had to pay for her movie too but she waited until they left the store to do it. Then she drove back home and informed Rita they were going on a little camping day or whatever.

“Make sure you pack the bug repellent I gotta text Boa.”

On Thursday morning, Lemon drove to Tynomi’s house because she had to pick a cooler. She didn’t know that was the base of operations, almost everyone was already there and they were getting the cars and supplies ready.

“Oh, hey Lemon.”

It was Denali, Priyanka’s friend. Emphasis on the word friend.

“Hi! How are you?” She hugged the girl who seemed a bit startled by it.

“Good to see you again…”

“Yeah.” She smiled at her.

“Actually, good thing I bumped into you. Scarlett wanted me to tell you that Juice and she are going to pick up Priyanka from her house on their way here.”

“I beg your pardon?” She blinked twice. “I’m picking Priyanka, I already told her.”

Denali raised her hands in the air. “I’m just passing on the message.”

Lemon grabbed her phone from her back pocket and marked Scarlett’s number.

“Hello? What’s up?”

“I’m picking up Priyanka. I spoke with her the other day and we agreed on that since her car is fucked and your relationship is fucked.”

“Was… Okay? Juice and I made up. There were roses and everything.”

“That’s adorable, congratulations to the happy couple.” The sarcasm behind her words was strong.

“Priyanka’s house is on the way, we can drive her to the lake… unless…”

Oh, God.

“Is there a reason why you’d want to drive her?”

“No… There isn’t any reason besides I already told her I was going to pick her up. Why is it so difficult to understand? I don’t like my plans to be changed.”

Scarlett dared to laugh.

“I called her earlier so you don’t have to worry about that. I insist though if you had a valid reason to be her driver today I’d…”

“Fuck off. Okay, yeah… I want to spend some extra time with her.” She murmured. Denali raised an eyebrow.

“You could have started there. It wasn’t that difficult, was it?”

“Shut up.”

“Well, Juice and I are driving straight to Tynomi’s. Can you pick Priyanka up then?”

“Yeah… I guess I can.”

“You’re fucking terrible.”

“Wait, since you have an empty space in your car, can you take Rita with you?”

“Oh, so you want some alone time…”

“C’mon.”

“I mean, I haven’t spoken a lot with her but if she’s okay with it…”

“She’s French Canadian, Kiara too, they’ll get along.”

“So you’re playing the language card now.”

“Sure, whatever. Can you?” Lemon rolled her eyes even when she couldn’t see it.

“We’ll take good care of her. Good luck with your little da-”

Lemon hung up before she could finish that sentence.

Denali stared at her, a bit terrified.

“All set.” She had a mischievous smile on her face.

Lemon rolled down her window. “Get in loser, we’re going to a lake… for some reason.”

Seeing Priyanka’s surprise was more than anything she ever wanted. She didn’t look upset at all and that was a relief. Lemon wasn’t going to tell her about all the arrangements she had to do so they could spend some time alone –and she hoped that for their own welfare that Scarlett or the other girls didn’t mention it either.

They didn’t have much time together already with their imminent separation. Lemon would have to go back to New York in less than a week and Priyanka was probably heading toward Toronto as well. They had lost too much already with their silly banters and those minutes were precious on her eyes.

Except, they got lost. It wasn’t on purpose.

And even when she didn’t show it, Lemon started feeling the panic slowly crawling when after their third turn when the stupid lake was nowhere to be seen. It was humiliating that they had to stop and ask for indications but thankfully they got there without any incident.

She was sure Priyanka was going to make fun of her for getting them in trouble and arriving late –which she did- but as soon as they met the others, she did what she did best, shaking Lemon’s little bitter heart.

“Yeah, can you believe I told her the wrong entry on the highway? Lemon almost killed me we were spinning around for like fifteen minutes, right?” She looked at her and winked.

Lemon didn’t know what to do next, her brain was malfunctioning.

“Ah, yeah…” She babbled as she felt her cheeks heating up. “But we’re here… so… it doesn’t matter.”

“Priyanka you dumbass, we’ve come this way before.” Scarlett nagged her.

“Oh, shut up… I forgot.” She picked her backpack and threw it over her shoulder. Lemon hadn’t moved. “Hey, let’s go. We have all day ahead.”

She had to do something, react somehow but she was paralyzed. Priyanka was right, they had all day ahead but she wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to handle it much longer.

“I think we’ve been set up.” Priyanka said when they were both at the boat.

Lemon should’ve guessed it. The way they moved suspiciously and how they had sent Tynomi to casually ask her if she had ever been in a boat before… it was all part of a greater plan to get them in the middle of the lake alone. Suddenly the lake wasn’t all that boring anymore.

For Lemon, that was the moment and the place to talk about what had happened between them, especially since Priyanka had been so open about that horrible story of her first kiss. To think that Lemon once had been mad about the fact she didn’t tell her about it, now she understood, it was bad enough to listen to it, she couldn’t imagine how she felt back in the day and reliving it wasn’t easy either.

They talked for what felt like hours and the conversation flowed avidly once they spoke about the elephant in the room but still, something was missing.

And then she had to put the stupid glasses on. For ages, she had hated being called names because of them and, when she finally convinced her mother to get contact lenses, it was a victory. Now, she didn’t want to go back to it nor Priyanka to see her like that… as if she was a kid again.

“Don’t make fun of me.” She mumbled. “I never wear these in public…”

It was a little plea but she meant it.

“Lemon, I’ve known you for ages I do remember how you look like with glasses on.”

Priyanka took the glasses and opened the temples before placing them gently on her face. She adjusted the nose pads above her nose and removed some hairs out of her face.

“There,” She looked proud of her work. “See, nothing less than stunning.”

When the brunette put the glasses on her face, she knew it.

Priyanka was going to kiss her.

She could feel it on her bones, she could feel it deep inside, her heart couldn’t stop beating fast.

She was going to kiss her, there was no doubt.

But she didn’t… for some reason, in the last second she backed out. Lemon didn’t know why but she could almost swear for her life Priyanka was going to kiss her. She regretted not shortening the distance just a couple of centimeters when she realized, it was too late.

However, now that Lemon had that information… she could take action.

She washed her hands in the bathroom when they were back and looked at the reflection in the mirror. She looked good, just a couple locks out of place and her cheeks a bit red due to the sun but she had Priyanka’s jacket on and she knew what her next step was going to be.

If Priyanka didn’t kiss her first, she was going to kiss Priyanka.

First, she’d take her somewhere they could be alone, -maybe with some silly excuse she’d invent on her way back to the campfire- she’d grab her hand and pull her even if she protested –because she was going to-, there was a cozy spot with a couple of tree trunks cut where they could sit, fireflies were going to start flying around and the buzz of the other people would become background noise. Lemon would pick a fight with her about the first thing that’d come to her mind and when Priyanka was too into it to even notice, she was going to lean in and kiss her to shut her mouth.

It was the kiss she had postponed for so long –years- because above of all, Lemon was deeply, stupidly, madly in love with her best friend since she could remember. It had taken a lot of time to realize that those feelings she had inside were that -love- but now she was confident it was mutual.

That was until…

“I’m being serious right now.” She cleared her throat. “Lemon and I are friends… that’s it. Don’t try to push it further because it’s not going to happen.”

The knot grew on her throat, her eyes were getting watery to the point she couldn’t see clearly; her heart was breaking somewhere inside her and the physical pain almost got her on her knees.

It’s not going to happen.

What a fool… what a stupid, fucking fool she was…

Priyanka didn’t think of her like that and she and her childish crush were nothing more than that, one-sided feelings. Priyanka and she were friends and they were never going to be more than friends. For a moment she had believed it but it was too good to be true.

She wiped away her tears, took a deep breath, and put the mask on.

“Hey, do you mind going back with the girls? I was talking to Rita and she’s kind of tired so I’m going home with her.” She hadn’t spoken to Rita and she hated she’d have to ruin the fun for her but she couldn’t be there any longer and that was the excuse that became handy.

“Oh, sure. No problem. Is she alright?”

“Yeah, just tired and maybe sunburn. I don’t want to drive when it’s too late either.” Her voice didn’t break as she lied.

“Alright. Are you still coming to dinner with my family? My mom said she’ll be waiting for you.”

Right. She had promised her mother she was visiting them…

“Saturday, right? I’ll be there.” She smiled. “I’m really glad we got to talk today, Pri.”

“Me too.”

She hugged her Lemon before she left.

Lemon whispered into Rita’s ear she wasn’t feeling alright and with that, the two girls got into the yellow car. They didn’t even get out of the park when Lemon stopped the car. Her knuckles turned white from holding the steering wheel too tight.

“Hey…” Rita reached for her. “Are you okay?”

She shook her head.

“Okay, let me drive.”

They exchanged seats without saying a word.

“Would you like me to play some music? I can put some CD on…”

“Just put whatever you want, it’ll be fine.” She sobbed.

Rita put the Taylor Swift album on because it was the first thing that she could find in the glove compartment. Lemon wasn’t in the mood for any kind of music really, but at least that would fill the awkward silence. She didn’t want to talk with Rita, she didn’t want to talk at all… she just wanted to get home as soon as possible.

Not her dad’s house, her home back in New York with her friends…

She was too far away.

When track nº 6 started playing, she skipped it without hesitation. She couldn’t listen to those lyrics without going back to her best friend as if she was going to wake up one day and realize… the idea was absurd. How could she ever believe that?

White Horse or Teardrops on my Guitar seemed more fitting.

Fearless, huh? What a joke. She wasn’t fearless, she was a coward who had waited too long.

She didn’t bawl until she touched the mattress of the bed, she didn’t shed a tear until her face made contact with the pillow and she stifled a cry on it. She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t pretend everything was fine for any longer.

The tears felt too heavy to be held so she cried and cried until her eyes were dried out.

She didn’t notice she was still wearing Priyanka’s jacket until she tried to wipe the tears off her face with the sleeve. It smelled like her and it kept her warm like a hug. She wrapped herself with the jacket and closed her eyes until she fell asleep.

#rpdr fanfiction #drcan #can1 #lemon #priyanka #lemon x priyanka #childhood friends #friends to lovers #lesbian au #come home to my heart #plastiquedoll #concrit welcome

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