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yejixan · 3 years ago

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[ CHAN LEE, HE/THEY, NONBINARY ] — [ YE-JIN AN ] is a child of [ ZEUS ] with the power of [ ELECTROKINSES ] . they were born in [ 1997 ] and have been in nemean lion since [ 2009 ] . with the change, they [ GRADUATED FROM ] the [ BUSINESS ] role which makes sense since they’re usually [ IN THE SQUARE OR WORKING ON THEIR THIRD CUP OF COFFEE OF THE DAY ] . if you’d like to meet them try the [ SUN ] building .

putting on my clown makeup bc alphonsine was supposed to be my last muse,,,, im the biggest fool around i fear

name: ye-jin an

age: 24

pronouns: he/they

birthday: june 4th

track/job: business & the rec’s lead

sexuality: queer

ethnicity: korean

He’s the product of two selfish and irresponsible individuals, Zeus and An Hyeri. They met on a random night, both with wild and unpredictable nature. One thing led to another and he was born, no tears, just a look of annoyance. Because he had to be brought into a world where he shared the blood with two careless individuals.

He never learned of his father ( better yet, sperm donor ) since his mother didn’t know him. Not like she cared, she was such a flimsy and go with the wind type of woman that it angered Ye-Jin. Constantly coming home late, always drinking, always sleeping, such a messy person, God why him. It was like Hyeri was the child and Ye-Jin was the parent. Her complete opposite, Ye-Jin was strong willed, upfront, mature, and independent. Even as a child he caught the eye of many adults who complimented him for his maturity, saying how they wished their own children were like him. He never liked those compliments because it wasn’t like he was like this on purpose, he had to be. He much rather be outside playing with the other boys his age, he just couldn’t.

Despite his annoyance about his mother and her childish personality, he did love her and couldn’t just leave her. She was a terrible mother but she was still a good person. Her cooking was horrid but it was thought that came with it. She was never around when he got out of school but she always made sure to buy his favorite ice cream every Friday. They couldn’t always hang out but she made an effort to show up for all school events. And whenever the two were spotted in public together, everyone always believed they were more like siblings than a mother and son. Ye-Jin also felt the same way. “Ye-Jin,” she would slur his name after a night of drinking. “You’re a good kid. Mom wouldn’t know what she would do without you.”

Hyeri needed him and in a way he also needed her.

However, their relationship soon collapsed as he turned twelve. Hyeri took the next few days off to go on a camping trip with Ye-Jin. He always wanted to go on one when he was younger but never could because his mother was always working. Until that week where she promised to dedicate all of her time to him. Things were going great, the two were having fun, they were smiling and acting like a normal family. He was at his happiest moment until it transformed into one of his most tragic ones. It was a monster that showed up and attacked the two. Luckily heroes arrived to save them but only when it was too late. Hyeri had been badly injured and Ye-Jin lost his right leg.

After taking the two to the hospital, the heroes told him that he was a demigod just like them, that was why he was attacked. He figured that he was something different after an incident a month ago occurred. Where he learned of his ability on a simple accident from messing around at home with the light board. He never told Hyeri of it because he didn’t want to worry or scare her, unfortunately, he ended up doing just that. When his mother awakened and was told of this new information, she looked at her child with pure horror and fear. As if he was the monster that attacked her. He couldn’t even stay in the same room as her without her shaking uncontrollably or screaming for him to leave. An Hyeri no longer needed him but he needed her more than ever.

The heroes brought up Nemean Lion as a safe haven for him, he’ll receive protection and be surrounded by fellow demigods. He accepted it right away, only to protect his mother from any more monsters. Unfortunately he had to wait a few weeks before boarding a plane to America, a foreign place where he didn’t know the language at all. All he had were the heroes who rescued him and the Greek language that came to him naturally.

Not only that, he had to continue with his rehabilitation in America. He felt even more distant and alone throughout this process, the one parent he used to rely on no longer wanted him. Then there was his father Zeus, the bastard who cursed him. Ye-Jin believed that if it wasn’t for the God’s selfish and reckless nature, none of this would’ve happened. His mother wouldn’t be in the hospital, she would be fine and healthy. As for Ye-Jin? He wouldn’t have been born and he was okay with that. He had given up on life, there was no need for him to continue living anymore. Only one other demigod gave him the hope to keep on going, the reminder that he was needed and that Hyeri will always love him. That soon enough, others will need and love him as well.

That was all a traumatized twelve year old needed to hear before getting his life together.

Once reserved and unable to speak, Ye-Jin snapped back to his usual straightforward and organized self. He made friends, learned how to control his ability, more about the Gods, the monsters, and how to coexist without his right leg. A temporary prosthetic leg was given to him, just to see if he’ll be fine with it. At first, he didn’t wear it unless told to, he kept to the wheelchair given to him. But as the months went on, he was seen using it more before deciding on getting a permanent prosthetic leg.

Ye-Jin never left NL, he had nowhere to go and he really didn’t want to leave. He stayed there and helped out, spending his years as an RA before aiming even higher by running the rec. Some of the money he gets, he would send it to Hyeri. He hasn’t talked to her since, the last he heard of her was that she was staying with his grandparents. An urge to pick up a phone and call her was always there but never enough to actually go through with it. He’ll be fine just sending her money and keeping his distance from her.

wanted connections : :

the heroes that saved him (1/2) : : ye-jin is very much in debt of these two! they protected not only him but also his mother, so he owes them his life. in his eyes, the can do no wrong. like ever.

the demigod who gave him the will to live : : now he holds this individual on a high pedestal because when he was at his lowest, they were there for him. literally has their back no matter what

best friend / a trio : : everyone needs a best friend or two, which includes ye-jin. i just want a group who he goes to whenever he’s feeling down or exhausted because of work

demigods who are on his shit list : : he’s a perfectionist who needs everything to be in the right order, that includes everything that happens in the rec. and knowing the crazy demigods we all have, i’m sure one of them has pissed him off a few times. so he literally has their on his shit list ( it’s in his room! )

hookups : : ye-jin gets around during his freetime, he deserves it tbh

literally ANYTHING! i’m down for whatever folks

#nlintro #muse ☠ im the definition of the word masterpiece

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foryouthegays · 4 years ago

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Forming a secret organization [Dream SMP] liveblog and summary!

Good laugh times: 7:40, 1:18:15, 1:19:25

Protect mr philza minecraft from baby zombies (he really went all out on that bit today): 20:35, 32:40 34:45, 1:16:35

Sellout pog: 30:45, 1:00:50, 1:30:55, 2:01:15

Summary:

Techno started the stream in the Nether. He quickly went back to the overworld and to his house, where he meets up with Phil and Ranboo. He mentions that the house smells like gunpowder, and Phil quickly ushers them outside and they continue their conversation.

Techno nudges Ranboo away from the conversation, and he leaves the call. Phil and Techno watch as Ranboo leaves the house, and then Techno tells Phil his news. He talks about how taking down L’Manburg wasn’t the greatest plan, especially as he’s only one person. He wants to bring other people to their anarchist ways.

Phil agrees to form a secret organization for anarchists, because they can’t fight ten to one.

Techno and Phil go to Ranboos house, asking for a feather, and Ranboo asks if he’s getting kicked out. They say no, and then Ranboo says that he has something that might get him kicked out.

He talks about how he sometimes doesn’t remember what he does, and that he was the person who blew up the community house.

Techno asks why, and Ranboo says he doesn’t know.

Phil and Techno agree that they don’t really care about the community house, and Ranboo continues, saying that he has one of the discs. Phil and Techno agree again that they don’t care about the discs at all.

Techno and Phil leave.

Techno leads Phil to a stronghold, which he calls a ‘structure,’ and they cover it with gravel to hide it. They enter the structure, and they find a library, some useless doors, and keep exploring, finding nothing. Techno is confused, thinking that there had to have been a reason for the stronghold's existence.

While looking at a connected Abandoned Mineshaft, Techno finds an enchanted golden apple.

They go into the lower parts of the stronghold, and they find a prison. Techno mentions that the bread he found earlier tasted around 2,000 years old, which gives us a rough (and joking) estimate of when the stronghold was made.

Phil finds a strange portal, and they talk about how advanced the previous civilization must had been, to be able to make unbreakable blocks. They hear a villager writing, and dig up to a strange room.

It ends up being the igluu where Orphans parents lived, and they start laughing, but then, DreamXD logs in. He breaks the portal, and then leaves. Techno begs dream to put the portal back, because it would’ve added to the lore, and that their characters didn’t know what it was, and were going to use it as a table.

Dream logs in again, and puts one (1) portal frame block down, and then leaves again. Phil tells Dream how to place the blocks incorrectly so they wouldn’t form a portal, and he logs in to place them back.

DreamXD hears Techno joking about going to the end, logs in, and then logs out when Techno says he’s joking. Then, Techno explains the difference between DreamXD and Dream, saying that DreamXD has canonical access to creative mode, and is like God, but Dream is just some homeless teletubby. DreamXD logs in, says ‘they actually are I am the protector,” and logs out.

In chat, Techno asks ‘who was that dram fanboy, how did he get whitelisted,’ and DreamXD logs in again, hits Techno with a sword a few times, and logs out.

Techno and Phil decorate the meeting room a bit, and they start talking about what the association should be called. Techno says that he wants it to be the ‘[blank] Syndicate,’ and before they can agree on anything, Ranboos nametag is spotted, and they agree to kill him if he comes into the meeting room.

Techno puts down a sign with the organization's motto, which is ‘Sic semper tyrannis,’ which means ‘thus always to tyrants.’

He starts writing in the manifesto.

“This syndicate is formed to promote anarchy and fight tyranny in all its forms.

“We shall have no Leader; no member shall be compelled to act if they do not choose to.

“No member shall reveal information about the Syndicate to outsiders.

“Technoblade shall serve as the Recruiter to induce new members into the Syndicate with Approval from a Majority of members.”

Phil and Techno leave the Stronghold, and realize that the Igluu wasn’t actually Orphans parents, but instead a different Igluu that Ranboo had been using for Cartographers. They go back to the house, planning to meet with Ranboo, but on the way, they find a strange tower made of stone. Its hollow, but theres no chests or anything inside. They continue and meet with Ranboo, who has gifts for them. Techno gets a Netherite shovel with Efficiency V, Mending, Silk Touch, and Unbreaking III.

He brings them under his house, and we find he has a ‘comfort room,’ made of netherrack, that has several mob heads on the walls, an extra set of armor, and pets sitting next to the ladder. They talk about the map on the wall, and Techno seems concerned, or a bit scared.

Techno and Phil leave the call, and talk about how extremely strange the room, and Ranboo, was. They recount their adventure, and move the villagers into a more efficient layout. Ranboo joins them after a few minutes, at 1:38:00, and they work on curing the zombie villagers and giving them jobs

Liveblog:

I love when technos computer says he isnt streaming so he just rambles about that before it says he does and then he does the starting the streammm thing. Also if u havent heard the starting the streammmm thing u r missing out it is amazin

Techno pls get a new laptop im gonna cry

HE SAID THREE HE SAID THREE if u dont know, techno says three v nicely

“I havent even shown you the secrets, how would you guys be able to snitch??” SIR????

Oh my god is he using his phone to read chat,,,,,i hate him i hate him so much u haVE 5 MIL SUBS AND CANT EVEN GET A SECOND MONITOR WHYY

Ranboo!!! Philza minecraft!!!!! Hi!!!

5:40 ‘why does it smell like gunpowder?’ Techno there is no smell in minecraft. Lore pog?

6:45 AKDFJGLSA RANBOOS FUNDY IMPRESSION IM

8:45 ‘any second now its gonna be 11 percent updated, and thats like halfway done, if you think about it’ adhd autism solidarity right there lmao

I dont think techno can physically pay attention to lore for more than a minute at a time. He just like, sees a dog and zooms in on it while someones talking and its such a mood. All techno know is get distracted, kill orphans, protect philza minecraft, and anarchy. Love him

10:45 he just got COMPLETELY distracted w his laptop im actually crying form laughter

So uh. 17 mins in. Techno (without saying anything). Kills a zombie that was trying to kill ranboo. Thats. Thats a thing he only does for people he trusts. Uhhh

Technos voice at 21:30,,,,,,hhghn why is he like this why is he randomally doing weird voices

26:35 ‘hacker voice: were in’ HGKDFJSL

Ok but techno making fun of doors is so funny tho. Also he rlly did go all out on the baby zombie bit tdoay im actually crying

Techno when phils being chased by two creepers, a few zombies, and skeletons: i do not see it

Techno when phils being chased by one (1) baby zombie: loOK OUT PHILZA MINECRAFT

42:00 god apple poggggg

45:50 techno sir why do u know what 2,000 year old bread tastes like

Dsmp techno :handshake: minecraft story mode techno

Hating doors

Dsmp techno :handshake: smp earth techno

Living right above a stronghold

48:35 ‘dude, they had all this super advanced technology because they didnt waste time trying to figure out how to make doors’ FSKHGJDAL

50:25 UH?? WHAT IS THAT LMAO

OH ITS ORPHANS PARENTS LMAOOOO

GDFJKHSL DREAM HI

51 MINS IN HGJSKDFJASL DREAM PUT IT BACK IT WAS A GOOD TABLE DREAM

56:25 ‘listen, I’ve read a lot of mythology Phil, and nothing bad has ever happened from angering the gods.’ You SURE about that?

I will actually never get over techno making fun of dream its so funny to me 1:01:10

I am so, so extremely queer for technos planning/schemeing voice like when its kinda quieter and deeper n slower? Hhgnn

Also is latin canon in this universe? Pog

Asmr Technoblade makes a cult :)

Ok ok ok ok SO i know that techno wants to make all the members equal (and i do think that hell try his best to make that possible) but bc hes just,,,so FREAKING powerful both in terms of pvp and resources, i feel like his opinion IS gonna matter more, but also im p sure hes the writer of the arc so like. He has more important opinions anyway so unless he is v obviously controlling the other members of the group, i think this could be a fun collab thing. And i am SO excited to see all yalls analysis for what other people think of him ahhHHH i love analysis.

1:17:10 “whose idea was it to make baby zombies stronger? Why are the babies stronger?? Have you ever fought a baby in real life? I have, and it was trivially easy to defeat, Phil.” TECHNO????

Also i can NOT believe that someone thinks techno doesnt use dark humor,,,,have u WATCHED his videos?????

1:25:05 Like literally RIGHT after he makes a joke abt how ranboos shovel’ll be good for digging graves for his enemies, which was taking soooo long before

Ah yes, technoblade, the 21 yr old child 1:28:40

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the-queer-look · 4 years ago

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Couple Theory

Name: Lucy Age: 24 Location: Glebe Occupation: Bush Regenerator Sexual Orientation: Lesbian Gender: Female

Name: Aisling Age: 21 Location: Glebe Occupation: Customer Service Sexual Orientation: Queer Gender: Female

Lucy – I feel like I’m still figuring out how I’m comfortable presenting because I didn’t come out till I was twenty, which was quite a time after I realised I was gay at sixteen. When I moved to Sydney I really wanted to show people that I was queer, and with much of my influence being from the internet, I wore a lot of the stereotypical lesbian clothing I saw on there – mostly sporty sorts of clothing – but as I’ve gone through, whenever I find something that I don’t hate myself in I wear it over and over again until something new comes along. Recently I’ve been vibing with the look of boots, singlet tops, and making my tattoos very visible. I make myself look somewhat unapproachable with my resting face being a frown, and my outfits being if not aggressive, then non-welcoming, but if people do actually come up to me I really want people to like me, so it all falls away.

Aisling – My daily presentation is just the easy T-shirts and jeans, lots of bouldering merch, maybe a button up if I’m being a little fancy, just a classic chapstick lesbian.

Lucy – Where did your inspo for that come from?

Aisling – What? Jeans and a shirt? Does that need inspiration? I guess I tuck my shirt in to make sure its queer? I have a lot of Vans, and a milk crate full of socks I guess. I used to save up money when I was in high school to put towards my first pair of Vans and I was so excited. I think I have twenty pairs now? Lots of converse, runners, and climbing shoes as well. Colourful socks and shoes are my thing I guess.

Lucy – I remember I was sixteen when I realised I liked girls, but I don’t know what triggered it. I think it was something on TV? I think it was an NCIS episode and they had a really awful portrayal of lesbians, who were identified as gay because at the end of the episode they held hands, and that triggered some kind of twinge in my chest that I’d never felt before.

Ailing – That was your gay bone

Lucy – My gay bone?

K – Yeah, your sternum is your gay bone

Ailing – I’ve torn that twice from being too gay

K – you need to remember to stretch before going out and being gay all night.

Lucy – It was a really weird feeling, I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I went and found out about the episode, and it was of course one of those “oh no homosexuals are evil” sorts of plots. I think that negative portrayal contributed to my negative feelings about being gay, and being so scared to come out. I don’t know where else that would have come from because my parents never expressed any opinion about homosexuality. Those feelings were confirmed when I had my first crush on a girl in my school. I was nauseous more than anything when I realised it, and I just ignored that feeling for years which isn’t healthy. What helped me overcome it though, as I’m sure helped a lot of people from small towns with not much queer representation was the internet, and YouTubers, The Legend of Korra, and Tumblr. (The ending of Legend of Korra) was ust so beautiful, and so revolutionary as well. I remember seeing the ship of Korra and Asami come up on my tumblr, but it was years before the end fo the show, when it actually happened. I remember watching it on a family holiday trip and had to leave the dining table and I was shaking and crying because it was such a huge, beautiful moment that was probably one of the most significant moments of accepting myself. Looking back I definitely associate that final image of them holding hands before going to the spirit world together with my final stage of accepting who I am.

Moving to Sydney was my time to finally come out and explore. I came out to one of my Canadian exchange friends who was here, and they took me to Birdcage (lesbian nightclub in Sydney) where I met some of my friends. My first time in a queer club was like being surrounded by a family who I felt like I knew even though I hadn’t met any of them. That was also the year that the marriage equality vote was passed, So I took that opportunity to find out what my parents thought about homosexuality by asking them what they were voting for. They both said they were voting yes, which made me feel comfortable enough to come out to them the next week.

I’m still learning what are the most appropriate ways to describe myself and my relationship with myself, and how to present myself to the world. The more I learn, the more I will change the way I present myself, and there is a lot more of myself to explore.

Aisling – I think I was around thirteen or fourteen when I saw the show “faking it” - a show about a girl in high school figuring out her sexuality – and I just noticed that I was relating to every situation that the character was going through, and suddenly realised I was questioning my sexuality. I mentioned it to one of my friends that I used to walk to school with, and she would just keep egging me on with “come on just say it, just say you’re gay its fine”. I came out to her as bi at one stage, but I didn’t like that term, I didn’t like the term lesbian either, and still don’t, I prefer to think of myself as queer, or just gay.

When I actually came out two or so years later, I remember telling my close friend group that I was bi… and then later that week just said “nah I’m gay actually”. It was about 7:30pm, on a Wednesday night, after basketball, in the shower talking to myself saying “im gonna do this, im gonna do this”. Just me and my dad home, I psyched myself up for ages and then walked in and out of the kitchen about five times before going “Dad, I have something to tell you” sweating bullets “Dad, I’m gay la di da.”

Lucy – La di da?

Aisling – yes, Father, it’s la di da for me I’m afraid

Lucy – please put my sexuality down as la di da

Aisling – The first thing he said to me was “yeah I always thought you had a bigger obsession with the female tennis players than the men.” and yeah damn he had me there. I hate that I remember the day and everything… like the first of September 2016?

I moved out from my mum to my dad’s mostly because my mum’s partner at the time was very homophobic, and any dinner conversation would turn to him deriding gay marriage, or coming out with some racist shit. Eventually I decided “this bothers me too much, I’m going to have to say something” and it was… really upsetting when he didn’t agree. So of course I came out to my dad first and made him tell mum, which was then an interesting conversation…

“Your father tells me you’ve told him you’re gay?”

“yep, that’s it”

She contacted my school supervisor that night and told all of my teachers to look out for any homophobic acts towards me, letting them know that I was gay and to look out for me.

Lucy – I feel like together we tick a lot of stereotypes

Aisling – We really do

Lucy – We moved in together really quickly

Aisling – We own a cat together

Lucy – Theres that Subaru…

Aisling – I also had a lot of influence from those same queer YouTubers, and seeing their coming out videos and how free they felt afterwards made me really want to share it.

Immediately after I came out everyone at school was very supportive, like they already knew and assumed I was gay because I was just that sporty chick, so being gay just sorta went with it?

Lucy – I think I looked for validation from my parents. When I came out to mum there was no huge deal made about it, butI think validation from them comes in small snippets. Every time mum sends me something, like recently she arranged her coloured chopping boards into a rainbow and sent me a picture with “these are for you!” it’s very small, but its very significant. When I had a really big hickey on my neck, my dad said

“oh who gave you that on your neck? Does he sleep in a coffin?”

“it was a she actually”

“oh does she sleep in a coffin then?”

he just wanted to channel it into a dad joke, but it was a weird way to come out to him actually.

Aisling – To me the term Queer means “everyone included” even just an ally of the community, or a parent of an LGBT person doing your best to make them feel safe and welcome, you’re welcome in the community you know? By properly supporting something, you become a part of it.

Lucy – For me it’s very similar with those lines of community and family. It can be a label, but I feel that its evolving more into a term that indicates embracing all people. I use it sometimes to refer to a collective group of… well queer people. I refer to my close friends as my queer family.

Aisling – It feels better to use than assuming someone’s sexuality or gender without knowing the specifics.

Lucy – Individually I wouldn’t refer to any of my friends as queer. I know one friend refers to himself specifically as a bisexual, man, rather than a queer person. So I definitely like its a more family, community term, rather than a specific label, though It can still be used as one.

Aisling – I like the term because when I first came out I identified as bi, then gay, then bi, then gay, than they? And it feels more appropriate to use for myself because I’m still working it out, and it can cover a lot. For example I don’t think of myself as completely feminine, but I also don’t like the term non-binary to refer to myself, but the idea of “They” still, rather than just being she/her, I like the idea of she/they. And referring to myself as queer feels more of an accurate description.

Lucy – Ever since moving to Sydney and coming out and going to that first club night I’ve always thrown myself into as many queer events as I possibly could. I want to be able to contribute more to the community rather than just be involved in it, a lot of my friends are very engaged in the queer community, and I feel like I don’t have that level of involvement. I love that I’m never scared or intimidated to go to queer events, by myself or with my friends. Whilst I feel very connected to the queer community, I wish I could be more involved. I’m scared that since my friend group is all finishing university and looking to the future, that I’ll lose that sense of connection as everyone moves away, even though I’m sure we’ll all stay in touch.

Aisling – I feel little to no involvement in the queer community at the moment because I’m focusing so hard on my training. I’m involved with Queer Climbers Sydney though, and am looking to get more involved in the future, as soon as I have the time to do stuff.

Lucy – Challenges facing the queer community here isn Sydney… I feel like we need to create a wider variety of safer spaces in more areas. There’re certain areas of Sydney where queer people I know just don’t feel as comfortable. And the ones we do have are always pubs and clubs. Not to detract from queer nightlife; but having so much of queer culture based around adult only areas reinforces the idea that being gay, or trans, or whatever is an adult thing, and makes it easier for people to excuse restricting education about it to kids, which can be so harmful growing up and not having the education to understand yourself.

Aisling – I feel like theres more acceptance towards gay, lesbian, and bi people. But there’s less of an acceptance of trans people, like they can understand being gay, but they cant seem to understand what a trans person even is, much less how to approach them. Probably need more education about it in schools. More comprehensive sex ed instead of just how to put a condom on a fucking banana.

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elliethesuperfruitlover · 4 years ago

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tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that.

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

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lilyliveredlittlerichboy · 5 years ago

Text

don't know if anyone i know irl still follows me here or checks tumblr, ever,

so with my dad and a bunch of rl friends on my twitter i don't think i can use that as a vent anymore at least not for shit like this

(cw sui)

(can you insert read mores on mobile? I've not been on Tumblr in silly amounts of time)

I've never been the edgy type to be all doom and gloom and shit, and honestly the fact that my brain is even going there is pretty scary to me

but at this point, me killing myself feels almost like an inevitability, rather than an option.

i have no clear plan, i haven't even hurt myself in years,

but the other day

(last week? the week before? who even tf knows at this point)

when i had my real bad suicidal episode, i was too high to do anything about it at the time, but i just had this... cosmic feeling, that there is a timeline in which i kill myself,

and that i am in that timeline.

now being high comes with anxiety and feelings of impending doom and all that shit i know, but I've genuinely never felt anything like that before, and it scares me.

i guess the good (?) news is that i saw myself presented with that information, that fact, and immediately went

no way no way no way no way no way no way no way no way

no way!!!

no fucking way

so i was safe in that moment, and hopefully in moments to come, cus i am in a deeply bad state of mind right now and there is still a part of me that is going (no way no way no way)

but also... will that part always be there?

my future is unsure, my status in this country could be erased by next month, i might be destitute, (I'm catastrophising but it's not impossible)

and the way the world is going, do i really want to be alive to see it? i wanna get off this ride man it just keeps getting worse, i can see no end to it, and fighting it seems hopeless, because who in this country outside this little leftist bubble would even fight,

and

would anyone even miss me?

(yes, says my brain, and immediately draws up a list headed by my family and my cats and like half of Cardiff,)

(but if i get into that state where everything is too much, and i just cannot bring myself to care, or feel,)

(would any of that even matter? my parents, my sister, my cats? my partner, my friends?)

i don't want to feel this way but I've been feeling so bad so often in the past few weeks alone and there is no light at the end of the tunnel,

i feel lost and hopeless, i feel like im drowning, and sometimes i can breathe but most of the time im drowning and can only look for mindless distractions to keep myself from thinking about it,

I'm nearly 28 and i feel like the best years of my life are behind me and i feel like all the things i would love to do,

(like be with selena forever, like build that queer community centre, like watch my cats grow old,)

are just going to be impossible because the world is imploding around me and there is nothing i can do, but watch, record, and grieve

and grief is hitting me so hard and it's worse than anything I've ever felt, and it's never going to go away and it's only going to get worse,

I'm so tired. existing is so exhausting right now. I'm so tired.

i gotta keep living at least for my cats. nobody's gonna love them like i do. they would possibly be cared for but... bloob especially. she wouldn't understand. she's living under the assumption that i am her hooman, and that i will always be there

the least i can do is fulfil that. and for malibu as well, my big boy. my cats are so important and i love them so much. more than anyone else could.

i don't know how to end this post. i think im safe. i think ill be okay. getting it out is helping. feeling like maybe someone will read this is helping. it's okay if nobody does. it's helped just to type it out. it's out of my brain now.

sigh. it's probably bed time. I'll sleep it off like i always do.

#cw suicidal #cw drugs #personal

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hareblazer · 5 years ago

Text

and they cried holy holy holy

its very hard existing in a world that doesnt love you

fic focused on the affects of the religious south via larrys childhood + internalized homophobia now. tw for religious trauma, homophobia, the q slur, implied child abuse, self harm, implied suicide. separated into 6 parts.

all of these things are pretty normal for the time/context/situation i promise i didnt go ape shit on him ctvgbhn

im gay. some things were minorly edited because of my own experiences. all conversations are inspired heavily by convos ive had.

ONE

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” The pastor had told him. “Queers go to hell. It is the will of God.” Larry’s mother elbowed him, a way of saying this included him. “Join me in prayer so the sinners may reach Salvation and Repentance.” He raised his arms, framing the holy cross behind him. “Peace be with you.”

“And also with you.” All stood. Except Larry.

“God is Good.” He said.

“All the time.” All prayed. Except Larry. His father glared at him. He could feel the eyes of everyone around him- even if they weren’t looking- he knew what they thought of him. He wished he was good and pure. He wanted nothing more than to be loved by God like everyone else was. But he was just a sinner. A blemish on the tapestry of God’s vision.

None of that was true, of course, but as an 11 year old in the deep south in 1935- he had no choice but to believe.

“Larry.” His father whispered angrily. “Stand. Up. Now.”

“I don’t wanna.” Larry whispered back. He didn’t. He was tired. Ever since his parents found out about his preference for boys they had woken him up early almost every morning to pray- to be reminded of his damnation- to go to church and be told over and over again he was unnatural. He was so tired.

“Larry. If you don’t stand right now- You’ll be choosing a switch when we get home.”

“I’m tired-” He kicked his feet.

“Lawrence Michael Trainor.” His mother hissed. “You’re embarrassing us.” Larry could hear a waver in her voice.

“-in God’s name, amen.” The pastor finished.

“Amen.”

“You are dismissed.”

“Bless you, father.” someone behind Larry said. He couldn’t see very well through his own tears. He couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault. Now was, in Larry’s opinion, one of the worst parts of church. His parents beelined to Benjamin Quincy’s- probably to tell them to keep their son away from him. Again. Larry could already hear them berating Ben’s poor father- accusing them of turning their sweet son to the Devil and a path of damnation.

This was almost 90 years ago, but Larry could remember it like it was yesterday. He’d never admit it- but sometimes he still felt like that scared boy praying for a salvation that’ll never come.

Chief had bought him a bible, when he first moved into the manor, thinking it would remind him of home. He didn’t know, of course, the kind of history Larry had with religion- but it was enough to release the spirit on a rampage. Chief thought that was interesting. Larry thought it was a headache- literally and metaphorically. He actually wasn’t sure where it was now, actually. It had disappeared mysteriously years ago- after he had given Rita a vague idea of how his childhood was. He never looked for it.

It wasn’t until the patrol had to go into a church that Larry really thought about this again. Ordinarily he pretends it never happened- that he never had a childhood at all. It was easier than having to face it. He forgot why, exactly, they were there- but-

“Larry?” Cliff turned back, already halfway through the doors. Larry had stopped about ten feet off- Jane near him. “You coming?”

“Ah.” was all he could say in reply. This looked like his old one. His lungs felt like they were full of water. Jane tilted her head at him. She had a reason to hate this place- not to say he probably didn’t have one too- but she had definitely never heard about this before. “I.”

“We have two people against this stuff, now?” Cliff. He meant well, but he was about as sensitive as a brick. “What happened to you?”

Larry said nothing. Jane stepped up. “He doesn’t have to tell you. Just- go without us.” Cliff did the closest thing to a shrug he could do and left. Larry wanted to thank Jane- in his own quiet way- but he was a little overwhelmed for that. God. He could still hear the pastors words stinging his heart. He felt Jane’s eyes on him.

Repent, old sinner. Repent and be redeemed.

“Fuck.” Larry turned and walked away. “Fuck!”

“I guess the church screwed both of us over.” Jane crossed her arms. Larry only sighed.

“It screws everyone over. Whether they realize it or not.”

“Hm.” Jane agreed. “It’s a fucked up institution.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.

“God. I want to go back to the manor.” He placed a hand on his chest, trying to soothe the spirit. “Take a nap.”

“Me too.” Jane leaned against a wall.

They stood in silence, before Larry spoke again.

“The church by my house looked like this. Growing up.” He glanced back at it for a moment. “God. I hated that place.”

Jane watched him for a moment. They were the two most closed off people in the manor- this was literally the most he had ever said about himself to her.

“Boring?”

“I guess.” Larry did not say it was because they hated him. He did not say that the priest told him he deserved damnation. He did not say that he still had nightmares about it. “I was. Not well liked, I guess.”

“Oh.” Jane did not share her own trauma related to it. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to. “Are you still…?”

“God, no. I’m not a fan of- any of it, really. I don’t know.” He tries to tell her without really saying anything at all. “They. Really. Don’t like the kind of person I am. Is all.”

“Me neither.” She nodded. This conversation was so. Fucking. Awkward. But it was still the most they had talked in a long time. “Bad church experiences club.”

Larry chuckled. “Bad church experiences club.”

TWO

Larry was in class. Thirteen years old and already fully aware of his fate. Homosexuality is an abomination, he knew. God does not make mistakes, he knew. So why is he cursed with these feelings?

“God created all creatures in the Beginning-” his teacher was explaining in the background. Larry had heard this story a million times- both in and out of church. He was daydreaming about the boy who sat in front of him- he had the bluest eyes, and- no. No. Larry couldn’t think like that. That was a sin. He mentally scolded himself for letting his guard down. He had to have a wife. A family- or suffer for all eternity.

“God is love,” said his teacher.

It doesn’t feel much like love to Larry.

He regretted doing this. Larry found himself standing in front of the team- during Cliff’s sudden group therapy session and subsequent freakout.

“Well.” He started, but paused. God. God. God. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think it would be a good idea to come out? To let the only people he ever felt like he could trust learn his ugly, terrible truth and scorn him just as his own family did?

“I’m-”

“GAY!” Cliff interrupted suddenly. Larry froze. Oh god. Oh god. They knew. They KNEW. How did they know? No. Fuck. He was reading too far into this. Unless he wasn’t. The others protested Cliff’s outburst.

“Okay! I just thought Larry was about to come out- and it would’ve been so healing for him!”

Larry is thankful for the bandages covering his tears.

"I think all I wanted to say was...it gets lonely, not touching anyone for 60 years. the last person I ever touched was John Bowers. I- I loved him. and I drove him away." Larry hoped that was vague enough. God. He could see it now- remembering how his parents reacted when they figured it out for themselves- how the church had reacted- how the other boys had reacted- how he had joined the army in an effort to make himself more masculine, more straight- he couldn’t help but think about all the possible ways he could kill himself right here right now.

“I knew it.” Cliff stood. Larry panicked. “I just want you to know that you’re loved- and accepted-” He hugged Larry, and Larry didn’t know what to do.

He’d never been offered acceptance before. How do you react to that?

“I’m not done.” He snapped. It was the best he knew how to do.

“I’m only sharing this because it’s the thing Mr. Nobody shoved in my face.” A clarification he knew this was immoral. He knew he was wrong. “What’s left, of my face.”

Pause.

“That was a joke. God- these bandages are the death of all nuance.” He failed to lighten the mood. He could feel everyone’s judgement, burning his skin like the fire did so many years ago. “Look. If Mr. Nobody’s goal is to torture me, well- I’ve been doing his work for him. Whipping myself in a- a prison of my own making.” Fuck. That sounded kind of cliche.”And wh- what if I trusted John, what if I’d been more brave- and guess what? I’m sick of it! I’m not just hurting myself- I’m hurting this thing inside of me and it’s hurting me back, endlessly, until there’s so much self-loathing I can barely breathe.” He’s trying so, so hard not to break down. He returns to his spot on the couch and slumps, already tuned out and waiting for his inevitable punishment.

He’s only greeted with Rita’s hand on his back, a small comfort, but a welcome one nonetheless.

THREE

The last time Larry was in love was with John. It was, admittedly, most of what he thought about, these days- but it was the only time he could ever exist in peace around another person. Even if John was a little too open for Larry’s comfort, he was comfortable in his own skin during the rare times they could sneak a moment together.

He missed John so, so much. Not only because he loved him- though that was a big part- but because he missed feeling safe. He missed feeling loved. He missed feeling anything at all.

“So. You’re gay?” Cliff had asked, one morning.

“Yes.” Larry answered, a little too shortly.

“Aren’t you from- like- the 30s?”

“Yes.” Larry said again, knowing full well what question was going to come next.

“Did your parents-” Cliff paused, trying to find the words. “Take it well? How did you- do that? Back then?”

Larry didn’t answer, at first. He actually had no idea what Cliff was referring to. “What?”

“Y’know- you said you had a boyfriend? John? How did you hide it? Since homosexuality was, like- illegal.”

Larry considers losing it. “They. Did not take it well.” He started, failing to mention how most parents in the day had a habit of ‘beating the queer’ out of their children. “We hid it with difficulty. I mean- we risked getting murdered- or worse, if we were caught.”

“Damn.” Cliff said. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah.” Larry sighed. He hated this conversation so much. “I married a girl I knew right out of high school- that was normal, back then- but I guess I thought if I just forced myself into it I’d turn straight, or something?”

“Did it work?”

“No. I cheated on her for years with other men and ruined my family.”

“Oh.” Cliff feels so awkward. “I mean- I did that too. Cheated on my wife. But I didn’t have a good reason for it. Like you did.”

“Cliff, I didn’t have a good reason. I don’t know what you mean by that.”

“Sure you did! I mean- cheating at all is a dick move, no matter what- but, like, you’re gay. And you got forced to marry a woman so you wouldn’t die.”

“Cliff-”

“And gay marriage is legal now! So- like- it got better! Gay rights!”

“It’s legal?”

“Yeah! In 2015- thought we celebrated it! But then you wouldn’t leave your room because you were sad about something again, and then Jane-”

“It’s legal now.” Larry said again, not listening to anything Cliff was saying. “Holy shit.”

“-Then Hammerhead threw me across a room and Chief had to wire my legs back on.”

“I hated myself so fucking much for- so long-” Larry’s face is unreadable to Cliff. “The number of times I considered killing myself because I thought there was no other option- and it’s been legal for almost five years. And I didn’t know about it.”

“How did you find out you were. You know?” Cliff asked, trying to avoid talking about Larry’s apparent suicidal tendencies.

“What?”

“How did you know you were gay?”

“Oh. I mean- when I was a kid it was pretty watered down- but I never liked the idea of having a wife or a girlfriend like everyone expected me to. In middle school, though? The boy’s locker room was definitely an eye-opener- and in my twenties I-” Larry was not going to finish that sentence. Cliff hadn’t unlocked that part of his backstory yet. “God. I tried to repress it for so long, though. It’s really weird, having other people know.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.

“It’s okay, now. There’s even gay hookup apps, and stuff. I bet Vic could help you set one up.”

Larry shrunk into his coat. He could barely handle seeing a man in shorts, the other day. He really didn’t think he was ready for this. “Cliff. I’m not. I can’t do this.”

“Why not? You’re free to be yourself!”

“Cliff. It’s been ingrained in me since I was a kid that being gay was some- awful, horrible thing. This- acceptance? It’s too new to me. I’m not ready to embrace it. I can’t.” I can’t go to hell, was what Larry was thinking. I can’t do that. “Ninety years of- of repression- and self hatred- and hiding- and all of that, I can’t just- bounce back, Cliff. I need time to think about this.”

“Do that! You can talk to me, if you need to, Larry!”

“Maybe I will.”

FOUR

Larry was 16 when he hurt himself for the first time. It wasn’t on purpose- he was trying to whittle a little plane in class when he sliced his thumb- but he never really stopped. He felt like he deserved it- maybe the sins he held would leave his body, dripping like blood down his arms. Or maybe he just wanted to feel something other than shame. Either way- it was the one thing he could feel totally in control of. Something that finally felt justified. Unlike his unwavering attraction toward the other boys in his classes- like the now-constant disdain of his parents- unlike the smile his first kiss gave him before they left each other behind. His parents never actually knew about this habit, but Larry convinced himself they did.He told himself this was what they really wanted- between the constant threats of going to hell, or the reminders he’s ruining their perfect family- maybe they did just want him to hurt. Suicide, back then, was almost unthinkable. Nowadays, Larry considers it often. -

Rita noticed something was- more off than usual. Larry had always been a melancholic person, but even Cliff had realized Larry not leaving his room for three days wasn’t normal. She eventually took it upon herself to drag him out of whatever slump he had gotten himself into, again- whether he liked it or not.

“Larry?” She called through his doors. Sound didn’t travel well through all that- but she was very good at being heard when she wanted to be. “Larry!”

Larry did not answer. He was bandaged, luckily, as he knew Rita would inevitably come storming in, but he didn’t want her to see the blood seeping through. He had relapsed, again, though he had nobody left to report it to with the Chief gone. That was for the best, he thought. “LARRY!” Rita knocked on the door. “I’m coming in there!”

Larry groaned. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t stopping her. He could easily just say it would be too dangerous, or-

He could hear the decontamination chamber hiss. Fuck. He had to clean himself up fast.

“Can you- wait just a-” Too late. Rita entered, concerned. “Fuck.”

“Ah.’ Rita started, but paused, seeing Larry’s red bandages. “Larry. What were you doing in here?” Larry kicked the pocketknife he dropped under his dresser.

“Nothing.”

“Larry. You’re a terrible liar and I just watched you hide something. What did you do?”

Larry shifted his weight nervously. Everyone else he was positive wouldn’t care too much about this- though, of course, that wasn’t even remotely true- but Rita?

“I.” Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. How is he supposed to tell her he was just cutting up his own arms in an attempt to feel better about himself? To punish himself for being gay? How do you say that casually? “I was.”

“You were?” In truth, Rita already had an idea what he was doing. She just needed him to admit he needed help.

Larry avoided eye contact, though that was invisible to Rita through his goggles. “I was. Dealing with. Things.” He can feel the dams breaking. He really, really does not want to cry to Rita right now.

“Dealing with what?” Come on, Larry.

“Shit.” was all he could get out before he started sobbing. Rita sighed and put her hand on his back, like she always did when he has a hard time. This was not the first time she’s seen him at his lowest, and she knew it wouldn’t be her last. It used to be a mystery to her- she always knew he was hiding something important about himself, but what it was, exactly, she couldn’t guess. Now that he came out, though, she had a whole new perspective on it all.

This explained a lot, actually. She had thrown away the bible Chief had gifted him, because she knew he did not like the church, though she didn’t understand why until now. He had always avoided talking about relationships at all, and would shut down when asked about his past. Larry didn’t know that she knew about the times he would hobble gingerly toward Chief’s lab, blood dripping from his limbs and the burden of being a sinner on his mind. Larry was especially bitter toward the spirit, after those nights. Now Rita knew how he was so sure it won’t let him die.

“It’s okay, Larry.” was all she could think to say. “You’re safe, now.” He couldn’t answer past pulling her into a hug. Rita was pretty sure he was getting blood on her dress- but she didn’t mind. “I’d offer to patch you up, but I think you have enough bandages.”

Larry couldn’t help but laugh slightly at that. “God, Rita. I’m sorry. I hate to involve you in my own shit-”

“Larry. You’re my best friend and I care about you, even if you don’t care about you.”

“I know. I just- I should be over this already. I haven’t been to church in over sixty years- my parents have been dead for seventy- John’s already moved on- I just- goddammit, Rita. I’m lonely.” He pulls away to sit on his bed, head in his hands. “I haven’t touched another man in- god knows how long- and all I can think about is how wanting to is in itself a fucking abomination-”

“No.” Rita interrupted. “I’m not allowing that kind of negativity! It is not an abomination and you know it.” Larry only looked at her. “Now continue.”

“Uh. Okay. I miss- god, it sounds so stupid, but- I really miss-” He struggles to find the words. “Kissing men?”

Rita only nodded.

“I didn’t have the chance to- very often- but- god, Rita. There was this club- near one of my posts at the military. Before I met John. It wasn’t officially anything, but it was already a pretty established gay club. But, you know- it was more of a secret.”

“There was one of those near my apartment, you know.” Larry nodded.

“They were usually old speakeasies. But there was this man there- he was- he was really something, Rita. He was a regular, I think. Really tall.” Larry sighed wistfully. Rita smiled at him. She liked seeing him like that. Happy- or at least as close to happiness as she’d seen him get. “We spent… a lot of time together. Mostly in motel rooms.”

“What was his name?”

“I don’t remember. It was so long ago. I miss him anyway, though. Even if it was just a fling.”

“I understand.” Rita said, simply. “Have you considered- getting out there, again?”

“What, like dating? Cliff suggested it to me, but- I thought he was too enthusiastic about it. I don’t know.” It scared him, to be honest.

“I’m sure there are other gay metahumans.” Rita assured him. “With a tolerance for radiation.”

“It’s not them I’m worried about.”

“What, then?”

“How can someone love me when I can’t?” Larry was emotionless through the bandages, but Rita thought she could hear a frown. “I hate myself so. Fucking. Much, Rita. I can’t kill myself no matter how much I try- but what good is someone who��s only alive because something else is forcing them to be? Who would want that kind of baggage, Rita? Not even the fucking spirit can handle it, and it’s the thing keeping me this way.” His chest glowed.

“The first step is realizing you have a problem.”

“I realize I have a problem, Rita. I realized it when I was seven years old, thinking about some boy in my math class. I realized it every-goddamn-day when my own mother would cry and tell me she wished I’d never been born- that no matter what I did she would always love God more than me.” His voice wavered. “I realized it in church, and in school, and at home- every time the newspapers would come in with more horror stories about gay men found dead- every time a kid got the shit beat out of him by his own parents. It’s nobody’s fault but my own, Rita.” He huffed, and Rita faltered. She had never seen this from him before. “God-fucking-dammit! If I could’ve just been a normal person- for once in my goddamn life- god. Oh my god.” He stopped.

“Larry?”

“I fucking died, didn’t I?” He stood suddenly. “I died in that fucking plane crash and this is hell. I can’t die. I can’t touch anyone. I’m stuck wallowing in my own self-loathing like a fucking-”

“Larry.” Rita said again, firmly.

“And I deserve all of it! I destroyed everyone I ever loved! Just because I’m not attracted to women? Big fucking deal! I should’ve just sucked it up. I’m a fucking coward! I should’ve killed myself when I was twenty like I planned! But no. I was too scared. Fuck this! I-”

“Larry!” Rita half-yelled, stopping Larry mid sentence. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you are not helping yourself. Stop having a pity-party and listen to me.”

Larry didn’t answer. He was breathing shakily. Rita could tell he was likely crying under there again.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing!” She held up her hands. “I’m sorry you were told there was, but they were blatantly wrong. All of them. Liars.” She paused to watch him. He was standing as still as a statue, watching her silently. She hoped that meant he was listening. “I know it’s been ingrained into you. But you need to leave it behind. Stop dragging it with you. It will only hurt more. You’re accepted here, Larry. Nobody would even consider hurting you over something as simple as your sexuality. You don’t need to carry that weight anymore.”

Larry sighed. “I’m sorry, Rita. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“It’s okay, Larry. I can’t imagine what you could be going through- but I offer my support, nonetheless.”

“I.” He paused. “Thank you.”

FIVE

When Larry was in the ant farm, he did not fear the torture. He knew he had it coming, anyway. It was God’s Will.

“You transferred a lot, Larry.” Forsythe would say, through the glass. “You were running from something. I intend to find out what.”

“I wasn’t running from anything.” Larry would say, over and over again.

The truth was Larry was running. Every time he thought his secret would be compromised he ran. Every time a fling ended or a boyfriend left or any of his army friends even joked about him being gay- he ran.

Now he faced the consequences for his actions, and he understood.

“Larry.” Chief said, bringing him back to attention. “What’s troubling you?”

This was before it all went downhill. Before Larry would come out. Before Mr. Nobody would remind him of every mistake he’d ever made. Before everything.

“Nothing. Just- remembering, is all.” Larry answered, quietly. “Before the accident.”

“Before the accident?” Chief knew it wasn’t really an accident. Larry did not. “Are you ready to talk about it?”

“No.” Larry said, quickly. Chief already knew there was something about him and John. He couldn’t risk him figuring that out. “No. The past is- it’s already happened. It doesn't matter.”

“Oh, but it does, Larry.” Chief answered, in his usual way. “The past may not define us as much as the future, but it still needs to be learned from.” Larry sighed. He had heard this so many times.

“I did learn from it, Chief.” He learned very, very well. “It just sucks.”

“Is this about your friendship with John?” Larry froze. “I know you two were very… close.”

“We weren’t. I don’t want to talk about him.” He shrunk into his coat. Chief raised an eyebrow.

“You never want to talk about him, Larry. It’s not healthy.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’s probably dead, now.”

“Do you miss him?” Chief tilted his head. He knew there had to be a way to get through Larry’s shell. If he was to be a hero, like Niles intended, he had to face this head-on.

Larry took a moment before answering, assessing the risks. Was it too obvious to say yes? “...I do.” He paused. “A. Bit.”

Chief nodded. He was getting closer. “Quite a bit, you would say?”

It was Larry’s turn to nod, adrenaline flaring up hot in his chest. “We were friends. That’s it.”

“I wasn’t implying anything else.” Larry breathed in slightly. Chief could tell he was getting anxious. “Though- we both know- you two were… a bit more than friends, yes?”

“No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Larry glanced around, starting to panic. “Whoever told you that, Chief- I- it’s not true. I didn’t even like him!” That was a bold lie. “I mean- if anybody was cheating- I mean- Sheryl and I were strained by the end of it-” He’s grasping for straws.

“Larry. We both know Sheryl was-” Chief was interrupted by a flash of light and Larry’s head slamming on the table. The spirit stood through the table, eyeing Chief down. He couldn’t tell how it was feeling- but judging from how agitated Larry had been beforehand, he didn’t think it was happy with him. No matter.

“There you are.” He started, but the spirit shook its head. “No? You don’t want to talk to me?” It shook its head again and held up a hand. “Oh. Who taught you the middle finger?” It tilted its head. Chief could feel it glaring daggers at him. “I’m sorry I hurt you. It’s important that Captain Trainor learn to-” The spirit had enough of that. It flew in a small circle around Chief, shorting out the lone light in the room. A threat. It knew Chief knew what it was capable of.

Larry awoke suddenly to Chief watching him. He must’ve needed the spirit for something- he doesn’t really know about John. He sighed, instinctively rubbing his goggles.

“That was… unintentional. I apologize, Larry.” Larry looked at him. What the fuck was he after? “Now- John-”

“No. Fuck, Niles. I’m not doing this.” Larry stood. “I’m not reliving my mistakes for you. I’m going to take a nap.”

“Larry. We both know it wasn’t a mistake.” Chief held out his hands. “You cheated on your wife. You hid. Why?”

“I did not cheat on Sheryl. I did not hide. Niles. I don’t know what you want from me, but I’m not going to-” He paused. “I’m not going to do this. I cared about her.” That, at least, was not a lie. “I loved her.” That was. “It’s over, now. I’m paying for what I did- who I was. Just- let that be.”

“Who were you, though?”

“I was a sinner, Chief.” Larry left.

SIX x3

“Sheryl.” Larry had said, so long ago. She looked over, glowing in the moon, her hair slightly in her face. He felt no attraction whatsoever for her. He tried to force himself to, anyway. It was sinful. He had to do this.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?” She smiled. She was his friend. He chose her only because she was the only girl he felt he could at least live with.

God. He felt sick. He knew this would hurt her, too. He didn’t want this.

“I love you.” Lying is a sin, too. A lesser of two evils, he had decided. Anything to avoid burning in hell. Anything. Just like his parents had told him. Just like the ministers said.

“Larry!” She had laughed. He felt like throwing up.

Outwardly, Larry had been untouched. Untainted by tragedy and self-hatred. Inwardly, he had become a flaming wreck long before that crash.

“Vic.” Larry stood in the doorway, nervously. “Hey.”

“Hey, Larry.” Vic turned to give him a wave. “What’s up?”

“Well. I. Uh.” Larry paused. This was terrifying. “You know- computers and stuff, right?”

“Uh- yeah! What do you need?” Vic looks at him for a moment. He really didn’t mind helping everyone with modern technology! He just never really realized how old everyone was until he was explaining to Larry how color TVs worked- or that cocaine was not a viable medicine anymore to Rita.

“I. Want to meet people.” He held up his phone. “I don’t. Know how.”

“Oh. Where did you get that phone?”

“Rita said I could borrow it.”

“...Okay. What do you want me to do?” Vic hasn’t dated since he was in high school. What was Larry expecting from him?

“Cliff said there are apps for it. For men. Meeting. Other. Men.” Larry is gritting his teeth. “You know computers. I want to. Download one.”

“Oh. Oh! I can help you with that. To an extent.” Vic clarified. “I’ll only help you set up and show you how to use it- the chatting is up to you.”

“Okay.” Larry handed him the phone.

“What are you after? There’s apps for metahumans, and gay people- I’m pretty sure there’s one for veterans-”

“Well. I guess I’d need. The metahuman one. Since they’d need. Some kind of.” He held up his hands. “Immunity.”

“Right.” Vic did not like that implication. “Does Rita know you want to hook up with guys through her phone?”

“Yes. She helped me prepare for this conversation.” Larry shuffled his feet nervously. “It. Did not work. Still awkward.”

“You two are close. Okay- so I downloaded an app called Metameet- it’s mainly for metahumans but there’s an option for gay members. You’re- what, 95? So I already set your username as larrytrainor. That’s usually what- people around your age do.”

“I’m 92. Though the accident was when I was 30-something.”

“Okay. I’ll put that as your age. And. Probably mention that you’re immortal.”

“No. Wait.” Larry put his hand on Vic’s shoulder. “Don’t put that I’m gay. Please.”

“Larry, it’ll say you’re a man seeking a man either way.”

“I know. I just- I can’t be gay. I can’t.” He nearly gagged on the word both times. Vic only looked at him.

“...Okay.” He hit the backspace button. “What’s your problem with it?”

Larry froze. Over the past month he’s had to explain this- five times? “Uh. I.” Fuck. Fuck! He doesn’t deserve this. “It’s just not allowed. I’m not- I’m not supposed to be- into men.”

“You know that’s not true, right?” Vic gave him a confused look. “You… are allowed to be gay, Larry.”

“It’s not like that. I-” He breathed in. “I guess you’re a little too young to really get it.”

“Try me.”

“In the 30s and 40s when I was a kid- it wasn’t- legal. To like. Others. Of the same sex.”

“Yeah?”

“Everyone was really religious, too. So. As hard as I tried to hide it- my parents eventually figured it out. I was 11. After that it just-” He paused. Vic nodded.

“Oh. We learned about that in history in high school.”

“Yeah. It was pretty common for parents to try and beat it out of us.” He paused. “Didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Vic started-

“It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, now.”

“Okay.” A pause. “I’m going to put ‘radiation immunity’ as a must.”

“That’s a good idea.” Another pause.

“Can I ask…?”

“Ask what?”

“How did you meet him?”

Larry went silent for a minute, and Vic was scared he made him sad again, somehow.

“We were in the same squadron.” He started slowly, remembering. “He wasn’t my first, honestly- but he was the- he was the one I really loved. I- honestly? If it wasn’t- literally illegal- and I was already married- I probably would have-” He stopped. He never said that out loud.

“That’s. That’s rough, Larry.” He stopped to think. “You can do that now, you know.”

“Yeah. I think- I think that’s why I’m doing this.” A pause.

“I think I’m ready to live the way I always wanted to.”

#fic #doom patrol #dp #larry trainor #fanfiction

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insidious-apple · 3 years ago

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TW deep dark shit

i have to tell someone or else im going to fucking explode. i have suicidal thoughts every day. i can’t stop them. i can usually dismiss them or distract myself, but i can’t prevent them. when i cant dismiss them or distract myself, i want to cut so bad but i swore i never would again. im almost 2 years sober from self harm and i swore i never would but it would be better than alcohol. i want to be drunk. i want to be incoherent because i will never amount to anything. most gifted kids just grow up to become average and thats all well and good but i dont want to. is self harm better than getting wasted whenever i can? maybe. maybe not. i dont know. i want answers.

is this normal? is it normal to think about killing myself every day? is it normal to want to die? everyones a little suicidal, right? if not, then im fucking crazy. im crazy anyway. 50 years ago i would be locked up for being a fucking queer anxious autistic mess and honestly would that be bad? then i wouldnt have to be a burden for my perfectly normal family. my roommates are all normal and im the only fucking weird one. in my dorm there’s 4 rooms of 2 and they put me and the other crazy suicidal one together. they literally switched rooms in the middle of the year without telling me which is fine but guess what happened? she fucking tried to kill herself and then dropped out. so now i have a single. which is cool, i guess, but the rest of my roommates treat me either like im a child or like im a crazy person. in truth, im both, so here are the fucking labels:

autistic. transgender. adhd. anxiety. depression. suicidal.

i fucking hate this. im scared of what my brain is saying to me. im scared someone will read my poetry or read this or whatever and try to pity me. i dont want pity or sympathy or what have you. i just want all of this to go away. i want to be normal. if i had a choice, i would be a normal, average person. straight, cis, neurotypical. i know im supposed to be proud of myself and my differences, but its hard. its hard to be proud of being trans when my parents refuse to give me a new name, or even use the one i chose for myself. im going by my last name at the moment cause i dont know what else to do. its dehumanizing to only have one name and its bullshit. its hard to be proud of being adhd and autistic because i dont get jokes that people say and they fly over my head and im a whiny fidgity little bitch and i make too much noise and im a burden, my parent dont want to deal with this shit. im torn between the fact that they shouldnt have to deal with this but they signed up for it when they decided to have a child.

whatever. im done. i want to die and thats that.

perhaps i should take a visit to a psych ward, but i might lose my scholarship and that would disappoint so many people. so i cant. i have to keep it all inside.

which is worse, to die because of the truth, or live because of a lie?

which is worse, cutting or alcoholism?

#suicide tw #tw suicide #tw suicidal thoughts #tw alcohol #tw self harm

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niamh222 · 3 years ago

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Being a woman, a bad person and my mother Daria.

First, I want to start with being a woman. This has been something on my mind since childhood- and being raised by feminist parents made me acutely aware of women's oppression at perhaps too young an age.

After watching a film with my family, my dad described to me first as having a woman director. "Its one of you making it, wont you be happy with this representation, women can be successful you know, they can do anything a normal person- i mean a man can do." So this film by a woman director is shit; it's whatever. What frustrates me more is that- in my time in my life, I have met and known of so many incredible women, women I look up to, women that are badass as fuck while still being women. I know these people, yet there are hardly any women like this in film or media that arent some feminist Mary Sue who does no wrong. A perfect woman with a full face toned abbs and a fresh blowout, lip fillers, and a juice-only diet. Constantly breathless and fighting the patriarchy. That's what's supposed to make me feel good?! That's what's supposed to make me think, "i can be the ideal woman, the archetype, the madonna and the whore and i can do all that and be a feminist- i can be a patriarchal woman without being oppressed" no, no you can't. It's selling a lie. So that's what I have to sit through whenever my dad introduces a feminist movie- they all feel pandering, pathetic shit to sell me the idea that I need to look like a porn star to get anywhere. I look like a human, I look like a man-

A man with pores, a man with cracked lips and dull, flat hair. I naturally look like a man with hairy fucking legs and his rough dirty unwashed disgusting skin. Naturally, a woman will have the same scars, ugliness, BO and fat, ununiform bodies. Women are natural and normal. But these films attempting to show feminist women have them playing "women" and not people.

That's my first thought and linked to it in many ways are my thoughts on gender. I have long hair and tits, and I do skincare and put on makeup and get piercings. Granted, I don't shave, but let's be honest, that's more lazy punk shit rather than any sort of feminist statement. Not shaving is me being comfortable with the fact that anyone sees my hairy legs, armpits, and pussy won't give two fucks. Regardless of the hair- I'm a woman, and I look like one; I keep my maintenance up to date. I mean fuck, I used to shave my peach fuzz, for fucks sake. In many ways, I feel like keeping up this doll vibe, this "woman," is easier because if I am objectified and seen as helpless… I get more help- in many ways, for my life, being a woman puts me at an advantage. I can be helpless, and people aren't gonna hold me up on it as if I was a man- because I'm just a dumb bimbo who can get shit wrong. And I like that it reduces conflict; it makes shit easier when people think you're a dumb blonde. I can't be sure that I'd be happier without this oppression, without this need for physical maintenance, without the threat of aging or weight gain looming over me. And some things make me think- some things about penis envy, facial hair, and growing my hair long to look like a man rather than a woman- there are some things like having boobs and hips and being short that I don't like to think about too much. Because it fits, the bimbo fairy bitch works for me- I mean, I'm a libra moon. I can't help think somedays, what would it be like if I was born a man, I certainly wouldn't be into a lot of the stuff I'm into. Sometimes I even think my interest in psychology is to do with my need to feel like a nurturing carer woman.

Additionally, my attraction to men has been on my mind. I feel like I accepted that I was probably into women too early in an attempt to push away that conversation. "Yes okay, you like women now shut up and move on and dont look to deeply." My attraction to women feels safe and happy and calm- and I think I don't want that because I'm scared of nice things.

I'm scared of meeting cool people.

I'm scared of cool kids and cool spaces

I'm scared of being in a queer relationship

I'm scared of things that would make me happy in case I fuck them up.

And I feel like my attraction to men acts as some form of sick punishment to keep me from self-actualization, which keeps me dependent on male approval and the male gaze. Because without the male gaze, what am I? Fairy bimbo bitches don't exist without men to see me like that.

So what is that, that fear of fucking up? Is that insecurity? A feeling that I cant have good things because they will end? Or be ruined? And that it'll be my fault? I don't feel like I'm a bad person, but I think deep down I do- I just don't tell myself I'm bad- but I do think ill fuck everything up, and it'll go wrong, and that good things won't happen to me… is that basically thinking I'm bad?

Regardless, I have been thinking about my mother. Her trauma. She has been bullied her entire life by her family, friends, colleagues, and husband. She's smart, but she doesn't trust herself and her self-esteem is so low that she sees the world through shit-tinted spectacles. "You did that purposfuly to hurt my feelings," "this is bad because im bad and i fucked up," "everyone hates me and is out to get me," "my husband will leave me and i get scared of him talking to other women" "i need to watch what i eat because if im fat im even more worthless." That insecurity has infected me like a poison, and it dictates my core beliefs about the world. So now, I see the world through shit-tinted spectacles, and that is what gives me anxiety.

Insecure people need something to blame, traumatized people need an outlet, and I was that outlet because it was easy. So all that hate, that contempt for those who had wronged her, that was on me. That was on me because I am the baby that almost killed her and almost died. I am the baby she had out of some kind of obligation to a "kiwiana dream" two kids and a house; I mean fuck, we almost got a dog and a pool if they weren't so frugal. My mum is like Daria.

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tumblunni · 6 years ago

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Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...

Sorry, going a little offtopic there.

But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!

Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....

Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??

Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...

So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!

So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids

And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.

This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...

God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..

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firelord-frowny · 4 years ago

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a bunch of rambling about madison and his history and my writing process under the cut, woooo

So, pretty much everything I’ve ever written about Madison for the past 11 years has been very much in a ~diary~ style - more or less stream of consciousness and told in the first person, with varying tenses depending on the nature of the diary entry.

i don’t really do any sort of planning or mapping. madison’s life just kinda unfolds, and i document it for him, and it isn’t always in chronological order, his narrations aren’t always reliable, and i’m pretty much never aware of any foreshadowing or allusions or allegories as i’m writing them, even though they’re definitely present.

the bit i was just writing captured my attention bc of the things that just sort of uncovered themselves after i was writing it.

madison is 26. his mom died from breast cancer when he was nearly 19. they had a hella sad relationship for many reasons, the majority of which had to do with his mom’s failure to protect him from abuses acted out upon him by his much older brother, and their dad (who wasn’t actually madison’s biological dad). the whole truth of the matter was that the dad was a whole grown man, like 27, when he began a predatory relationship with madison’s mom, who was only around 14. his family owned the business that employed madison’s mom’s parents, and so they were kind of manipulated/extorted into allowing this creep to make off with their daughter. he moved her away, knocked her up, married her, and pretty much just kept her as a pet and was decidedly Very Bad to her.

madison didn’t grow up knowing about any of that and pretty much always viewed his mom as a stupid, selfish woman who didn’t care enough about her own children to get them away from an abusive spouse. for most of his life he tried hard to earn his mom’s love, but gave up in his mid-late teens and decided to just hate her, and make sure she knew he hated her.

then she gets ill, and pretty much from the onset, it’s clear she’s not gonna live much longer. she tries to make amends with madison - tries to apologize for things and whatnot. answers some questions that he deserved to have answered. but he wouldn’t forgive her, and stayed angry, and made sure she knew he would always be angry, and those were the circumstances she died in.

then he kinda lost his mind and went awol for a few years before resurfacing.

madison had always been one of those reckless types who doesn’t really actively try to hurt himself, but he’ll let himself get into situations where there’s an above average chance that he’ll be hurt or even end up dead. and so, that’s the lifestyle he dove into when he ran off. but shit got a bit more real than he anticipated and suddenly he realizes - wait, i’m gonna have the rest of forever to be dead, im not so sure i’m okay with not being alive so soon.

but by the time he had that change of heart, he was in way too deep in some really perilous shit and he spends the next two years fighting to keep his head above water long enough to get out of the shit he was in.

So, he finally turns up back home like a coughed up furball on his best friend’s/ex lover’s doorstep, and he confronts all the wreckage he left behind, and then also has to deal with the fact that after everyone he left behind cleaned up all that wreckage, they all thrived in his absence. they’d all been struggling in a similar manner to him before, but once he was gone, they got carreers, they reached goals, they made enjoyable lives for themselves. And he’s stuck grappling with the fact that maybe he was the one holding them all back all those years.

in the midst of all this, he’s sick. like, physically ill with Something. and he’s terrified to see a doctor because, remember, he FINALLY wants to live, genuinely wants to be ALIVE, and now he’s scared he might have a life threatening health issue, and he’s too scared to find out for sure.

and as he begins the process of unpacking all these horrible feelings that made him build such a shitty life for himself, he kinda realizes that it all goes back to his determination to Stay Angry and Stay Hurt. Like. He went out of his way to avoid any form of closure or release because I guess he kinda felt entitled to his anger.

so, slowly, he starts kinda going back through time and walking through the things and people and places that shaped the person he chose to become. he breaks into visits his childhood home. his brother died by suicide when madison was 16, and so he couldn’t confront him about a painful secret they shared, so instead he confides that secret secret in the one friend he knows might understand the impact it had on him.

his mom is dead, too, so he can’t change anything with her, but his mom’s sister still lives in boston, so he goes to visit her.

that visit is the thing i was writing about earlier today.

the aunt was about 8 years old when madison’s mom, at 14, ran off with the man she ran off with. but over the years, the sisters still managed to keep in touch, and madison’s mom told her a lot about what life was like with her husband and two sons.

so, madison hears a lot of stories from the aunt. learns for the first time that his mom was just a kid when she was basically taken captive by an abusive grown man. learns how she met his biological father, learns that she’d intended to leave her husband and move to south africa to be with madison’s real dad, and learns that she abandoned that plan in fear after her husband discovered she was pregnant and assumed the baby was his.

that ~painful secret~ between madison and his brother is the fact that the brother, 17 years madison’s senior, sexually abused him a few times. (on the final time, the dad caught them, and proceeded to abuse him as well on just one occasion, but that detail isn’t super relevant here).

at some point after the abuse, madison overheard his mom on the phone telling someone that she “hopes he doesn’t end up queer, because I think [older son] might have messed with him.”

madison discovers that the person she was talking to was his aunt.

and he’s immediately livid and heartbroken and let down to know that she didn’t try to intervene in any way.

and she’s sorry, she’s remorseful, she’s been ahsamed for years and she wants to do her part to help madison be able to live a happy, healthy life.

so, there’s a moment in madison’s internal dialogue where he’s realizing that he actually believes her when she says she’s sorry.

and then there’s this bit that kinda shook me when i read it back to myself:

If my mom hadn’t died when she died, I don’t think I would have believed Aunt Carol. I think I would have been happy to just give her the finger like I did with mom. But now I have to live with that choice, and I hate it. I’m never going to be someone whose mother didn’t die believing I would never, ever forgive her. And I think, at least, that the one silver lining in it is that the part of me that was capable of holding on to that kind of grief and contempt died with her.

So, I believe Aunt Carol. I believe she’s sorry, and that she would have done better if she’d known better, as the proverb goes.

it’s this moment where he has an opportunity to sort of vicariously fix things with his mom. he gets to experience what it might have been like if both he and his mom had been emotionally healthy enough to make better choices. He can’t actually change what happened, but he has the privilege now of knowing that he has the capacity to be someone who can forgive someone who loved him for doing something horrible to him. he gets to understand, finally, that forgiveness has shit all to do with absolving someone of their sins, and has everything to do with releasing oneself from the burden of contempt.

he figures out: yeah, he’s entitled to his anger, but he also deserves to not be angry. he has the right to stay angry at his mom for failing him so miserably, but he deserves to live without that anger.

and i just!!!!! absollutely did not actually think through any of that. like. that wasn’t my intended point of this whole scene where Madison visits his aunt. All I really meant to do was just document this event in his life, but wooooow.

Look where it took me.

0 notes

parkersenses · 7 years ago

Note

All of the want to know me asks!

bro,,, i literally said in the tagsfdjkdsjk,, it’s alright let’s do this

1: My name?

Ellie

2: Do I have any nicknames?

technically Ellie is my nickname

3: Zodiac sign?

sagittarius

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win?

spyro: year of the dragon

5: Book/series I reread?

carry on by rainbow rowell

6: Aliens or ghosts?

both??

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write?

rainbow rowell and victoria aveyard

8: Favourite radio station?

depends on my mood

9: Favourite flavour of anything?

strawberry maybe??

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

“wild”

11: Favourite song?

doN’T EVEN ASK

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better?

me?? making new friends?? never heard of it

13: Favourite word?

“fucking”

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them?

ehh that’s a complicated question

15: Last song I listened to?

meant to be by bebe rexha/florida georgia line

16: TV show I always recommend?

lost

17: Pirates or ninjas?

ninjas

18: Movie I watch when I’m feeling down?

i don’t really have one??

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song?

don’t have one eitherdjsj

20: Favourite video games?

SPYRO: YEAR OF THE DRAGON

21: What am I most afraid of?

s o c i a l i n t e r a c t i o n

22: A good quality of mine?

i’m honest

23: A bad quality of mine?

i don’t sugarcoat things (which could also be good but)

24: Cats or dogs?

dogs

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in?

tom holland

26: Favourite season?

winter

27: Am I in a relationship?

nope

28: Something I miss?

not having to worry about my grades

29: My best friend?

i’ve got a few

30: Eye color?

blue

31: Hair color?

brown to dirty blonde-ish ombre

32: Someone I love?

Niall Horan

33: Someone I trust?

Niall Horan

34: Someone I always think about?

Niall Horan

35: Am I excited about anything?

TO SEE BLACK PANTHER ON TUESDAY LETS GO

36: My current obsession?

B L A C K P A N T H E R

37: Favourite TV shows as a child?

House of Anubis was my shit

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to?

Nope

39: Am I superstitious?

Depends for what

40: What do I think about most?

the fact that i don’t want to go to school

41: Do I have any strange phobias?

veins

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it

43: Favourite hobbies?

writing and reading

44: Last book I read?

The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware

45: Last film I watched?

it’s been awhile i don’t remember

46: Do I play any instruments?

nope

47: Favourite animal?

dogs??

48: Top 5 blogs on Tumblr that I follow?

@thumper-darling x5

49: Superpower I wish I could have?

to fly

50: How do I destress?

blast music or read a book

51: Do I like confrontation?

hmm it depends on the situation but usually no

52: When do I feel most at peace?

when listening to music while reading

53: What makes me smile?

one direction and marvel

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off?

off

55: Play any sports?

lmao no

56: What is my song of the week?

it was just released but boss by nct u

57: Favourite drink?

caffeine free diet coke

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody?

a few years ago,, to santa,,,

59: Afraid of heights?

kind of

60: Pet peeve?

i’ve got so many don’t even

61: What was the last concert I went to see?

Niall Horan

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian?

N O

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger?

air traffic controller

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy?

yes

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

MCU

66: Something I worry about?

my grades

67: Scared of the dark?

kind of

68: Who are my best friends?

i’ve got a few

69: What do I admire most about others?

i don’tsdjs

70: Can I sing?

i like to sing but i don’t really have a good voice

71: Something I wish I could do?

s i n g

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do?

donate a lot to charity and help my family, and treat myself a little bit

73: Have I ever skipped school?

yes

74: Favourite place on the planet?

my bedroom

75: Where do I want to live?

New York or Boston

76: Do I have any pets?

nope

77: What is my current desktop picture?

it’s a painting of blue smears

78: Early bird or night owl?

night owl

79: Sunsets or sunrise?

sunsets

80: Can I drive?

nope

81: Story behind my last kiss?

never had one

82: Earphones or headphones?

earphones

83: Have I ever had braces?

yep

84: Story behind one of my scars?

when i was little i kept picking at my mosquito bites

85: Favourite genre of music?

don’t have one

86: Who is my hero?

don’t have one

87: Favourite comic book character?

Peter Parker or Deadpool

88: What makes me really angry?

anything political

89: Kindle or real book?

real book

90: Favourite sporty activity?

don’t have one

91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be?

girls’ dress code and encouragement to express your opinions

92: What was my favourite subject at school?

english

93: Siblings?

two of ‘em

94: What was the last thing I bought?

coffee and a croissant

95: How tall am I?

5′ 4″

96: Can I cook?

some things

97: Can I bake?

if it comes from a box then yes

98: 3 things I love?

writing

reading

one direction

99: 3 things I hate?

gun violence

racists

homophobes

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?

girl

101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys?

girls

102: Where was I born?

in a hospital ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

103: Sexual orientation?

queer

104: Where do I currently live?

on the east coast

105: Last person I texted?

my friend

106: Last time I cried?

when rewatching the finale of lost

107: Guilty pleasure?

oof i can’t think of one

108: Favourite Youtuber?

i don’t really watch youtube anymore

109: A photo of myself.

nope

110: Do I like selfies?

nope

111: Favourite game app?

subway surfers

112: My relationship with my parents?

it’s good i guess

113: Favourite accents?

british and irish and australian and scottish

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit?

new york and london

115: Favourite number?

116: Can I juggle?

nope

117: Am I religious?

yes

118: Do I like space?

y e s

119: Do I like the deep ocean?

120: Am I much of a daredevil?

121: Am I allergic to anything?

i have seasonal allergies and i’m low-key ehh with corn

122: Can I curl my tongue?

yes

123: Can I wiggle my ears?

124: Do I like clowns?

n o

125: The Beatles or Elvis?

neither

126: My current project?

,,,,,,,

127: Am I a bad loser?

totally

128: Do I admit when I wrong?

i’m never wrong

IM JUST KIDDING YES USUALLY

129: Forest or beach?

beach

130: Favourite piece of advice?

hmm idk

131: Am I a good liar?

yes

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district?

slytherin, erudite i think, and i don’t know about my district

133: Do I talk to myself?

134: Am I very social?

135: Do I like gossip?

kind of,,

136: Do I keep a journal/diary?

yeah but not in a traditional way

137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test?

yes

138: Do I believe in second chances?

depends

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do?

see if there was id inside

140: Do I believe people are capable of change?

maybe

141: Have I ever been underweight?

yeah

142: Am I ticklish?

yes

143: Have I ever been in a submarine?

144: Have I ever been on a plane?

yes

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family?

THIS IS SUCH A HARD QUESTION I DONT KNOWDJKDS

146: Have I ever been overweight?

147: Do I have any piercings?

yes my ears

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real?

Peter Parker,,

149: Do I have any tattoos?

nope

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

to kick a boy out of my life tbh

151: Do I believe in Karma?

152: Do I wear glasses or contacts?

glasses

153: What was my first car?

never had my own car

154: Do I want children?

maybe

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know?

myself?? IMDJSKAK

156: My most embarrassing memory?

don’t even make me think of one

157: What makes me nostalgic?

the smell of sweat pea hand sanitizer from bath and body works

158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter?

yes

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty?

brains i think

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe?

black

161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience?

i don’t think so

162: What do I hate most about myself?

my lazy eye and my double chin

163: What do I love most about myself?

i can read a book quickly

164: Do I like adventure?

ehhh

165: Do I believe in fate?

ehhh

166: Favourite animal?

dog (didn’t we already go over this??)

167: Have I ever been on radio?

168: Have I ever been on TV?

yes

169: How old am I?

170: One of my favourite quotes?

“go confidently in the direction of your dreams”

171: Do I hold grudges?

yes

172: Do I trust easily?

173: Have I learnt from my mistakes?

yes

174: Best gift I’ve ever received?

one direction tickets and autographs

175: Do I dream?

yes

176: Have I ever had a night terror?

yes

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind?

yeah there’s a few that stick out

178: An experience that has made me stronger?

the whole of 2017

179: If I were immortal, what would I do?

that’s,,,,

180: Do I like shopping?

yes

181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do?

rob a bank

182: What does “family” mean to me?

,,,,,

183: What is my spirit animal?

whatever is really lazy

184: How do I want to be remembered?

,,,,,,,

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose?

writing

186: What is my greatest failure?

a great question

187: What is my greatest achievement?

a g r e a t q u e s t i o n

188: Love or money?

love

189: Love or career?

hmmm depends

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go?

stay in my area and go back to the 90s maybe??

191: What makes me the happiest?

reading

192: What is “home” to me?

my bedroomksddsm

193: What motivates me?

competition

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be?

“play one direction at my funeral”

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens?

hm i don’t think so

196: A movie that scared me as a child?

didn’t have one

197: Something I hated as a child that I like now?

moussaka

198: Zombies or vampires?

vampires

199: Live in the city or suburbs?

city

200: Dragons or wizards?

wizards

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me?

oof

202: How do I define love?

never experienced it so i wouldn’t really know

203: Do I judge a book by its cover?

yes

204: Have I ever had my heart broken?

205: Do I like my handwriting?

206: Sweet or savory?

both

207: Worst job I’ve had?

never had a job

208: Do I collect anything?

snow globes and pop figures

209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without?

bracelet and ring

210: What is on my bucket list?

go to london

211: How do I handle anger?

sometimes i start crying or i go on tumblr and blast music

212: Was I named after anyone?

my grandfather

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot?

so much oh my god

214: What TV character am I most like?

Charlie from Lost

215: What is the weirdest talent I have?

don’t have one

216: Favourite fictional character?

Peter Parker,,, you’re the one🎶🎶

#this literally took me an hour to dofdjksd #ask #ellie's answers

2 notes · View notes

kiefercat · 7 years ago

Text

30 Day Trans-Challenge except not really bc my memory is too bad for that so you get it all now Little intro and context for new followers and also for me when I look back at this; I'm a 22 year old trans guy from Canada. I've been out since I was 16 and have been on T for 5 years in October. My top surgery is scheduled for 2019 with Dr McLean in Mississauga, Ontario. 1) When did you realize the term transgender referred to you? In grade 10 one of my best friends started transitioning to male. It was my first exposure to anything trans and everything just fell into place after that. I talked to my partner at the time about it a lot and how my identity suddenly started making sense. After around half a year i started going by male pronouns with my friends and I came out publicly a year later. 2) How did you choose your name, and what names were you thinking about using and why? Contrary to popular belief I didn't choose Cooper because of my high school obsession with Alice Cooper. I ripped it off of a cartoon character that had no discernible gender to me. I was also debating going by Kiefer but after some research found out it connects to Cooper like Bob to Robert and just rolled with it. At some point before transition I asked mom what she would have named me if I was born a boy and she said fucking Wayney (dad's name is Wayne) and yeah no I did not want that name at all 3) Have you ever been outed? Quite often. Surprisingly from the people closest to me. My mom and stepdad out me all the time and my best friend/ex gf used to do it a lot too. She stopped thankfully but my mom keeps insisting on making me a discussion topic 4) How did your family take it when you came out/ if you are not out why aren't you? I came out in stages to my family. Mom was first. I fucked up though and forgot I had a stepbrother and basically walked up to her one day and said “you only have a son” and then ran out of the room? She thought I was running away????? Woops. She was kind of ignorant about some stuff for a while but changed a lot of her views pretty quick. She wasn't initially going to let me medically transition before I was 18 but turned around over time and I started t at 17. Stepdad was awkward but supportive. I didn't come out to my dad. My mom had to for me a year after I'd been out to everyone else. I was terrified of rejection bc yay abandonment issues but it went over well! Right after I came out my dad started dating my step mom and she really helped things bc she wasn't afraid to ask the questions that he was too weird about to do himself. She actually administered my tshots for me for a while. Fast forward to last year and suddenly family I hadn't seen for 9 years wanted to get back in contact with me and mom. I was expecting my grandparents and uncle to be really weird about it but they've always been chill. They used to call me a dyke and tell mom she was a failure bc I wore boy clothes when I was a kid so obviously I was worried. 5) Are you active in the trans community or LGBT community? Not nearly as much as I'd like to be. My local active trans community is 80% 40-60 year old trans ladies. Like I love them to bits and I appreciate them sharing their experiences as older queer people but I feel very out of place there. I've been invited to a gay dude cafe meet a few times but am too nervous to go. That being said, my entire friend circle is trans sans a few sprinkled cis people. So I guess we're all just an informal support group lmao 6) Who was the first person you told about being trans? My first partner. She was super queer (was identifying as a bi male at the time we dated) and very understanding and supported me through a lot of the mental gymnastics of realizing I was a dude. 7) Who do you look up to? My friends, honestly. Like I don't know what else to say here lmao 8) How do you deal with being misgendered in the beginning of transitioning by people? Told them politely to only use he/him with me. If they were malicious about it I would try to explain how ignorant that was and if they still didn't get the hint I'd ignore them. 9) What is something positive about being trans? I don't have to hide awkward boners. 10) What are some of your fears in regards to being trans? I'm super afraid of top surgery ending in a result im unhappy with. Like I don't care about the pectoral scarring at all, but I'm worried about proportional problems or dog earring. Basically anything that would require a revision. I'm also super insecure about not having a bio dick. It limits me a lot sexually even with strap ons. No harnesses stay where they need to on me to get anything good happening and my dick always slowly drifts downward. Its frustrating. 11) How do you manage dysphoria? Hahahaahhaa ice cream And usually taking nudes. 12) What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically? I'm working out every day now. Nothing too intense, but it feels nice. I want to drop about 30-40 pounds before top surgery so am slowly amping up the workouts. Mentally I'm a disaster and am frantically looking for a psychiatrist but can't find any open that have experience with a trans patient. 13) Bathrooms I haven't used a women's bathroom since before I was in testosterone. I'm not anxious about them at all unless there's a lot of drunk dudes or the locks on the stalls don't work. 14) What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass? Confidence. Fake it till you make it. Being a walking masc alt stereotype got me through high school. 15) How have you embraced your trans identity? Tbh coming out and living life as trans is one of the few times I've been able to do one very important thing consistently: do something for myself no matter what people think. Its something that I've been trying to spread into other aspects of my life. If anything, my trans identity embraced me. 16) What's your rock anthem and why? I think this is the only answer that hasn't changed since last time I did this. I Am, I'm Me from Twisted Sister. 17) What's your binding choice and why? I use a GC2B binder. They're comfy, last long, don't roll, don't have prominent seams, and don't smell funky like my old underworks ones. If I swim publicly or want to slim out my hips for special occasions I wear a full length underworks swim binder. Fun fact: I didn't bind for a year and half bc I gained a fuckwad of weight and my tits passed as moobs. 18) How do you feel about the trans laws where you live? They're getting better. I live in Ontario, Canada so am pretty protected all around. I wish the technical side of transition (name, gender marker) was more streamlined. 19) If you're religious how do your views effect being trans? if you're not religious what about your family religions? I'm in no way religious. My mom had to jump through a bunch of hoops in her head to legitimize my transition through her religion/spirituality. Its a little disturbing to me for details I will not share publicly. 20) Do you want to be a parent? why or why not? I hate children. Keep them away from me. 21) Your views on the cis-gendered community? ??¿¿ they exist. I believe education about trans people and other queer identities should be taught in schools to help cis society not be as blissfully ignorant. I don't believe all cis people hate trans people, but they do have a lot of misconceptions about the community. 22) Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice? Fuck no. Honestly I haven't felt nervous about transition affecting my work since my first job. I was just coming out when I worked the museum and was scared they might kick me from the position. Nowadays, I do not disclose my trans status to potential employers until they're hiring me. I thankfully live in a place and time where I'm protected as a trans person in the workplace by the law so haven't felt held back at all. 23) What stereotypes are put on trans people? Undercuts Tbh The stereotypes that stick out to me are the fucking weight ones. Where the fuck are my chunky trans men and ladies at? As a trans guy I am pressured a lot by the representation in the community to aspire to be a buff/cut beefcake or stick thin. Hell, a few of my already very small trans girl friends think they're not as valid bc their bust/waist/hip ratio doesn't make them look like a model. There's literally nothing wrong with being any weight but I find the pressure to be small is even higher within the trans and queer community to fit the stereotype/preconception that we have to be conventionally beautiful to be valid in our identity. 24) Who is your favorite LGBT actor/musician/director/artist etc and why? Uhhhhhhh Tbh I don't even know 25) Doctor visits? I hate them. They make everything about my trans status even if I'm there for something completely unrelated. There is FREE training on trans care for doctors in our part of the province but none seem to opt for it and instead decide its appropriate to ask me transition questions when I'm there for something as unrelated as an impacted nail. 26) Do you feel comfortable answering questions about being trans if say your teacher/friend/stranger asked you? If I'm not paying for their time, if I'm not busy doing something else, and if they are polite, yes. I don't mind answering questions at all! But there's a time and a place and some people just don't understand that. 27) What goals do you have? Lose weight and tone up a bit in time for top surgery. Be aggressively body positive. Continually try to normalize trans bodies. Find a local community to be a part of. 28) What is something you have to do everyday or else you feel like your whole day is off if you don't do it? Shower. If I go out or if people outside of friend circle are near me I have to have my packer and binder. If I'm alone I need music or something on at all times. 29) Write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your name. Ex. Your name is Bob so B-Beautiful O-Outstanding B-Boy Um. I don't have a good name for this uhhh C-Creative O-Open hearted O-Okay P-Phenomenon E-Eager R-Rad I had to Google positive words to do that lmao 30) Write a haiku about being trans I hate writing these Please just cut off my titties Throw them in the fire

#ftm #transgender #trans #transition #afab #30daytranschallenge

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hallelujuh · 8 years ago

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hello yes i just finished lord of the flies (and then watched the 1963 movie immediately afterwards) & i rlly luv piggy so im gonna yell abt Just Piggy Things™ even if no one cares

piggy’s the first character we’re introduced to, after ralph ofc, so that means we’re supposed to get attached, and boy did i get attached..

ass-mar

the fact that he’s been called mean nicknames so long that his real name doesnt matter to him?? he doesnt care what hes called?? poor thing wtf??? hes like eleven hes too little for this

the Flashing Anime Glasses. especially the one w the fire when he starts laughing maniacally. same.

im talking about: “then he laughed so strangely that they were hushed, looking at the flash of his spectacles in astonishment.”

also: “’i got the conch,’ said piggy, in a hurt voice. ‘i got a right to speak.’” let him speak hes the only damn reasonable one. also stop hurting him hes been hurt enough goddamnit

k but how much he loves ralph? and ralph is annoyed by him??? but then later he confides in him & cries over him & their friendship is my fav in the book so. they bond it just takes a while. but piggy was always good to ralph awe

“i was with him when he found the conch. i was with him before anyone else was.” he finally made a friend dont u take him from him ;-;

k speaking of the conch, in the first movie, his laugh when ralph’s blowing the horn for the first time??? aw??? a rare moment of joy in that sad ass movie??

‘63!film piggy is the sweetest & cutest i lob him. ‘90!film piggy was annoying as shit tho i refuse to talk about him.

in the ‘63!film when he puts his hands on his hips when jack says “shut up fatty” and then hides behind the tree when they all laugh at him.

god in the book it’s easy to forget theyre actual babies but with the movie u cant possibly forget and theyre so cute but defenseless it’s so sad

i kno these actors r like 70 or dead now but i wanna go back in time & give them a hug. especially piggy cuz hes a pouty chubby bub gOD IM SO SAD

one last note on the film before i get back to the book: the movie rlly encompassed how awkward i imagined piggy to be & i luv that. also his story time abt camberly was adorable + educational (for me, anyway)

how hurt he is when ralph tells the other boys his name, poor thing ugh :(

“’let him have the conch!’ shouted piggy. ‘let him have it!’” yes stand up for poor lil mulberry child

“piggy knelt by him, one hand on the great shell, listening and interpreting to the assembly.” hes so fuckin sweet??? hes like the mom of the island hes so nice to the littluns i luv him

and when he gets upset over the mulberry boy probably bein killed in the fire :’( hes the most sensible and the most empathetic of all the other boys. what a cinnamon roll. unproblematic fav. true neutral. 10/10. the best boy.

my second favorite line in the whole book: “then, with the martyred expression of a parent who has to keep up with the senseless ebullience of the children, he picked up the conch, turned toward the forest, and began to pick his way over the tumbled scar.” tired mama piggy lmao

he wants to make a sundial?? hes so smart aw

piggy thinking ralph’s patronizing smile was a friendly one :( :( he just wants a friendddd hes so naive & sweet im sadddd

i think it’s implied most of the other boys (particularly the choir boys & ralph) are from a nicer, more upper class part of england, &, despite his intelligence, piggy’s more lower class, judging by his cockney-esque accent (his use of ‘them’ instead of ‘those’, etc.) and also “piggy was an outsider, not only by accent, which did not matter…” idk why this is cute i dunno

“piggy arrived, out of breath and whimpering like a littlun.” me in pe. but also poor thing ;-;

“piggy sniveled and simon shushed him as though he had spoken too loudly in church.” i interpreted shushed as, like, consoled, more than, like, ‘quit crying, ya baby’, which was more what he was doing, but still…first of many cute piggy & simon interactions. i’d ship them but theyre like twelve so nah. but they cute as buddies

“this was too bitter for piggy, who forgot his timidity in the agony of his loss. he began to cry out, shrilly: ‘you and your blood, jack merridew! you and your hunting! we might have gone home-’” this hurts because if jack hadn’t gone hunting, they may have been rescued before simon or piggy died :( :( :( horrible vague foreshadowing

simon getting piggy’s glasses for him when jack throws em ;-;

simon giving his piece of meat (not a euphemism, goddamnit) to piggy.. god simons so sweet hes my second fav

“only, decided ralph as he faced the chief’s seat, i can’t think. not like piggy…he could go step by step inside that fat head of his, only piggy was no chief. but piggy, for all his ludicrous body, had brains.” why does ralph resent piggy sm. it’s like it psychically hurts him to compliment him, even just in his own head. jeez. just cuz someones fat doesnt mean they cant be smart?? the 50s were weird

“piggy came and stood outside the triangle. this indicated that he wished to listen, but would not speak; and piggy intended it as a gesture of disapproval.” aka ‘i’m mad at everyone so im gonna stand two feet away & glare at you all’ aw haha

when he tiptoes onto the triangle cuz hes done w his protesting ahaha aw

“piggy held out his hands for the conch but ralph shook his head.” idk i thought the mental image was cute. “gimme pls” “nuh uh”

what he says about the beast & life being scientific…me & piggy would be buds if he was real lmao

“ralph nodded to piggy. ‘go on. ask him.’ piggy knelt, holding the conch. ‘now then. what’s your name?’ the small boy twisted away into his tent. piggy turned helplessly to ralph..” honestly piggy & ralph are the mom & dad of the colony (jack being the asshole uncle) it’s so cute

“’that’s a clever beast,’ said piggy, jeering, ‘if it can hide on this island.’” sarcastic piggy is sarcastic

more sarcastic piggy earlier in the book: “you got your small fire all right” i lob him

indignant & shrill piggy… and his quote: “’what are we? humans? or animals? or savages?’” honestly lowkey want that tattooed

i fuckin hate jalph but admittedly jack’s jealous lil “’that’s right–favor piggy as you always do.’” is salty & gay lmao

the whole three blind mice convo…i luv

particular highlight in that scene: “’i’m scared of him,’ said piggy, ‘and that’s why i know him. if you’re scared of someone you hate him but you can’t stop thinking about him. you kid yourself he’s all right really, an’ then when you see him again; it’s like asthma an’ you can’t breathe. i tell you what. he hates you too, ralph—’” POOR BABYYY

also “’i know about people. i know about me. and him. he can’t hurt you: but if you stand out of the way he’d hurt the next thing. and that’s me.” IN THE END ROGER’S THE ONE WHO HURTS HIM UGH :(

“’keep piggy out of danger.’” YOU ASSHOLES LET HIM DIE

piggy holding his breath until his asthma acts up & then the boys just leave him??? what dicks

“jack cleared his throat and spoke in a queer, tight voice. ‘we mustn’t let anything happen to piggy, must we?’” AND THEN YOU LET HIM D I E U SALTY BITCH QUIT IT

“piggy put on his one glass and looked at ralph. ‘now you done it. you been rude about his hunters.’ ‘oh shut up!’” why dont more ppl ship them?? compared to jalph theres nothing??? theyre like a married couple it’s precious. like i said - mom & dad of the island.

piggy getting braver & being more of a leader once jack leaves!!! im proud of him!!

“he [simon] sought for help and sympathy and chose piggy” k the two most humane & sympathetic kids on the island, and the two doomed ones, gravitate towards each other & look out for each other & it so sadd

piggy being “so full of pride in his contribution to the good of society” he didnt deserve his fate he was so good im so sad

samneric & piggy making a little mini feast for them?? thats so cute???

also “piggy broke into noisy laughter and took more fruit. ‘he might be.’ he gulped his mouthful. ‘he’s cracked’.” piggy u get teased for bein different why would u tease simon (behind his back too) for bein diffrent u hypocrite. noisy laughter tho aw

piggy & ralph laying by the fire & talking…ralph didnt deserve piggy honestly he wasnt even grateful until the very end for such a good friend in such a horrible situation??? ugh

“when he understood how far ralph had gone toward accepting him he flushed pinkly with pride” see? good friendship. piggy just wanted a friend & to be considered valuable. and ralph finally started appreciating him

“piggy took off his glasses, stepped primly into the water, and then put them on again.” prim: stiffly formal and respectable; feeling or showing disapproval of anything regarded as improper. idk why this is funny to me

when he gets annoyed and starts slapping the water & yelling. temper tatrum lmao. dont blame him

“piggy stirred the sand under water and did not look at ralph. ‘p’raps we ought to go too.’ ralph looked at him quickly and piggy blushed. ‘i mean–to make sure nothing happens.’ ralph squirted water again.” they’re so fuckINGN CUTE

“piggy touched ralph’s wrist. ‘come away. there’s going to be trouble. and we’ve had our meat.’“ SO MUCH OF THIS STORY WOULDVE BEEN AVOIDED IF THE OTHER BOYS ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PIGGY

“ralph sat down in the grass facing the chief’s seat and the conch. piggy knelt at his left, and for a long minute there was silence.” i luv their dynamic sm. ruler & adviser. no questions asked. ultimate loyalty. so good.

piggy trying to be all rational about simon while ralph freaks out…what a scene. also i luv how awkward their convo w samneric immediately after is

piggy wants to be rescued most and hes the one whos killed!!!! bullshit!!!! justice for piggy!!!

when ralph says piggy should write a letter to his auntie & he takes it serious & ralph laughs & piggy doesnt get it. awe.

the scene where they take his glasses ;-; u made my boi piggy hav an ass-mar attack u monsters,

PIGGY GETTIN ALL BADASS & DETERMINED & TALKING ABOUT WHAT HES GONNA TELL JACK

“he held out the conch to piggy who flushed, this time with pride” and then “piggy sought in his mind for words to convey his passionate willingness to carry the conch against all odds.” the conch is the only constant on the island, the only dependable thing he has besides ralph, so hes so invested in it, hes pretty much deemed himself the caretaker of the conch, and it dies with him…

the scene where piggy reassures ralph & it says “the twins were examining ralph curiously, as though they were seeing him for the first time” is probably my fav scene in the entire book…it just really shows, in a couple of lines, the characters that ralph & piggy are, and what their relationship is like, and why they’re a partnership throughout the whole book. fantastic.

“’am i safe?’ quavered piggy. ‘i feel awful–’” fuckin foreshadowing, i hate it. imagine being practically blind on a cliff and then, minutes later, falling to your death. god it’s terrible.

piggy crying for ralph not to leave him actually hurts like psychically in my chest. him and simon were babies??? i know it’s fiction but kids are the sweetest things, not even fictional kids deserve to be killed so mercilessly??? im so fuckin sad

his last words…powerful and iconic.

i dont wanna talk about his death. im very sad

k ik it’s terrible but when he died his skull cracked open & his brain more or less fell out (”and stuff came out”, “with his empty head”), and thats p macabre but it’s also symbolic and genius bc when roger killed him he also took away the only thing he had going for him, the only thing that gave him superiority over the others - his intelligence. his brain.

of course, have to end on: “ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart, and the fall through the air of the true, wise friend called piggy.” cue me shutting the book, hugging it to my chest, and sobbing

#lotf #books #sorry i just. im rlly emotional & i rlly luv piggy #txt

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