#and my mind immediately thinks abt how part of him wants his autonomy to be realized. he wants ppl to see him in the way he wants

[crimebros]

there’s c!wilbur and there’s

ghostbur: im gonna prove them wrong and make a name for myself and be better than all the things they think i am! im everything you said wilbur wasnt (when he was)

revivedbur: im gonna prove them wrong and make a name for myself and be worse than all the things they think i am! im everything you said wilbur was (when he wasnt)

and the thing is ghostbur and revivedbur are still resembling of wilbur and part of him and all connected and desperately want to be separated that they go to such opposite ends to do so but cannot escape wilbur’s name bc they’re all fundamentally just wilbur and what other ppl think of him and compartmentalization and self hatred.

i think wilbur wants redemption and its tried in ghostbur, in revivedbur, bc he’s trying to make a new name for himself. but his compartmentalization is his downfall. he cant take accountability for things bc he pushes them away in a locked box and says it isnt him. he doesn’t get that the people who care about him love all versions and parts of him and sees him as complete, every time.

#i see him say that revivedbur finds quackity intriguing bc he sees him as unpredictable not insane/evil/a freak and it makes him feel human#and my mind immediately thinks abt how part of him wants his autonomy to be realized. he wants ppl to see him in the way he wants#(so revivedbur as different than wilbur was. he wants ppl to make a distinction and not treat them the exact same)#i wonder if he sees tommy and gets frustrated like ‘how do you still see me the same? how are you this loyal? im not Your wilbur’#and tommy’s thinking is literally ‘but you are ‘my wilbur’. u always are. every time! i look at you and see my brother. u dont change’#undeniably the person who sees him as a whole person unconditionally the most. is tommy. no matter what the labels they have#(like soldier. like president. like newly revived. wilbur will always be wilbur to tommy)#tommy sees wilbur as more than human. somehow. he sees him as himself. as wilbur. not bound by mortality/humanness#bc wilbur lives on to him. even in death. bc he cant forget him and forget the things he taught him#wilbur needs to stitch himself back together and recognize all of him is worthy of love!!!!

[officialbillhader]

how do you think his marriage to Maureen or finding out he's a father affected Dennis' mental health?

Oh gosh now this is a fun question. In my post abt dennis's sexual trauma i mentioned that marrying maureen was a (tame in comparison to other things hes done) psychotic break for him. He was desperate to feel something (which happens again in charlie's mom has cancer) and he realized his life wasnt going in the direction he thought he was. He made an impulse decision to marry the one person who was the closest to a normal life for him. His one steady girlfriend. He was looking for nothing but control with her and when she took away his autonomy (as marriage does- but this doesnt mean its a bad thing) he felt more out of control and so he got drunk and demanded a divorce.

With mandy, it seemed even more impulsive. She once again represents a life hes never had, a feeling hes always searched for but never been able to find, but this time he didnt look for the fix. In fact, he pushed it away. Maybe he had maureen on the mind, his past failure, or maybe he simply reminded himself that hes no father. He cant even handle a wife, let alone a whole ass child. And i believe he was able to ignore brian jrs existence (tho he probably sent mandy money) until he was right in front of him, and his brain was telling him that he had another shot at a normal, more balanced life. So he tried to embrace it. And, once agqin, in north dakota, he lost his control. He was expected to be a father, not Dennis. He cant handle that. He cant handle the labels (see his identity speech in the ireland episodes and when he was diagnosed but immediately ignored it). Labels simply arent his thing, and though he thinks he wants them bc theyre necessary to a normal life, he fights against them after receiving them. Theres no way his mental health was any good in north dakota. He probably staved off outbursts every five minutes and was depressed the rest of the time.

Maureen and brian jr both represent people in his life he dreamed of but is incapable of fully committing to because he's too unbalanced for them. His wife of two days rightfully demanded his attention, but he felt like this was tying him down, not adding to his life. However, his chikd wasnt demanding his attention, but he wanted to give it to him. And he still couldnt. A wife and child are a part of the same life that he cant live bc his mental health wont allow him to live it. He crashes when hes not allowed to live how he wants to. Its the same reason he finds solace in the gang. Theyre just as unhinged as he is

[kingsofneon]

I like your omegaverse ideas too much. Like it scares me a little how much I'm into loss of autonomy stuff. (;ŏ﹏ŏ) It's hot though *whine* ⁄(⁄ ⁄•⁄-⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄ Also what do you mean they get Shanks to fuck Marco? Say more right now! Please.

Aw buddy I totally get it tho oh my god. My fic history...COUGHS. ain't nobody seeing that shit but me and god. But really, rubious consent / consenual nonconsent and even specific noncon stuff really 👏....(me: it's about the control taken away so you don't actually have to think about the things you desire, loss of autonomy in a way that makes it easier to think because you don't have to give it up// GOD how bad is your wanting does a fucking....mido just rants in the tags and it's great and I vibe with it so hard

anyway I immediately thought of the below when i read the last part of your ask so i will indulge bc i want to rant abt it so bad LMAAOOO

ANYWAY it's one of the companion spin-offs on bleed for it I wanna write lmaOOOOoo

After they get together and are ~in love~ and all my dumb plot things are out of the way, one of the things they experiment/play around with is the fact that Marco wants to serve them and has difficulties with being doted on because as an alpha he thinks he shouldn't Like It. So if he can't be an alpha, they tell him that he'll be their omega instead. Very much abt marco's service kink + how tied he is to being Told to do things so he can be good + playacting as an omega because he likes to sub but doesn't know how + he thinks he can't hurt them if he's Theirs, and this is maybe a year in so he's still a bit Trauma about the stuff he did to Ace on top of not actually having a word for asexuality or really Getting it, so he likes when they organise things for him and get him to do things.

Ace likes his bfs being taken care of, so he's okay with it, and it is comfortable to have control, and Sabo, Sabo thinks it's hot as shit that Marco goes to his knees, but also he preens bc it feels like revenge sometimes too, to be mean and know marco likes it, to show him how he treated omegas with nonchalance and disregard and make Marco pay penance. Sabo pays his own, but he'll take his dues where he can get them.

This PARTICULAR scenario is neither Ace or Sabo have a knot (they've def used toys on him before, but think it would be fun to get him full and messy and humiliated) so they get Shanks involved to help them out. Really fuck Marco up. And really really fuck him.

They've talked about bringing in another alpha or using scent patches to disguise themselves, but having Shanks over, ah, Marco's not necessarily remembering those conversations. Shanks coming over is a normal occurrence.

There's alcohol involved, a little, because Shanks likes it, and Ace with his hands dragging on the nape of Marco's neck, Sabo with very pointed words and Marco VERY much wants Shanks to leave so he can make them hold to their teases, but then the topic shifts to omegas and very carefully Marco gets referred to as their omega. And he knows how to make them stop, if he wants, but he very carefully lets them steer, knowing they'll have planned something and always fine to follow their lead, up until the way they approach it with Shanks, picking deliberately at (spoiler, so I shan't say); "well omegas don't mind getting shared around as long as they get fucked. And we thought, well, you're such a good friend, why not."

Ace grinning, sharp, his hand on the nape of Marco's neck as he says, "Plus Marco's got a wandering eye. Might as well curb that."

And Marco flushing, because he doesn't, not really, but they're absolutely referencing the messy half-crush he had on Shanks when he was younger and it's embarrassing, and also, he doesn't want Shanks, not the way he wants them. Shanks is attractive and clever and fun, but he's loyal, in a way that means being passed off - pushed off the couch to slowly sink to his knees in front of Shanks, Sabo's foot braced on his back - is, humiliating? Longing. But if this is what they want him to do, it's embarrassing, but he still gets hot for it.

Shanks appraising him, cupping his cheek so gently to turn his head before saying that he guesses he can give it a shot, Marco's not his usual type, but they always wax poetic about how good he is, how caring and attentive, who's he to deny such affection?

Who Is He Indeed, but he does brim with compliments aimed so precisely at stuff that makes Marco flustered - at things that are lewd or explicit or go directly to things Ace and Sabo have said about him, to Shanks, while they're acting all high and mighty and not touching him. Letting Shanks do all the work, getting him slick and stretched and ready for a proper knot before asking Ace and Sabo their opinion on the best way to take him - to make Marco ride him, or to press him down on the table and fuck him that way?

"He's got plenty of stamina," Sabo offers, "and you've far more experience than us, I'm sure he'll enjoy whatever you decide."

"True," Shanks says with a grin, and pats Marco's side, getting him to stand. "Hear that? I know your boys try and take care of you, but I've got experience, baby, don't worry if you're speechless when I'm through."

Getting Marco to ride him so he can use his free hand to tease and discover sensitive places, complimenting them for their pretty, well-behaved omega, how well they've trained him, and Ace sitting on the edge of Shanks' chair arm but refusing to let Marco touch him, just watching so he can note when Shanks groans and shifts back, the way that he grabs Marco's hips and takes control of the pace.

Ace grinning, taking Marco's chin to stare into his dazed eyes, and Sabo comes up behind to lean over Ace's shoulder. Clicks his tongue, and says, "Don't be disrespectful Marco, he's a guest. He's putting in all this effort, and what, you're not going to be polite?"

Marco knows that everyone knows and he doesn't want to say it- managing a single please.

"Please what?"

"Shanks..."

"i don't know what you want omega." Shanks grinning as he catches their game, strained edges to it as he pushes Marco back, grip shaking as he forces his knot out of the tight heat to see Marco shudder at the pop, "Is there something you want to say?"

Marco swallowing so hard, so much feeling, and Shanks' cock is still okay, but he'd felt the press of the knot and it'd made his legs shake, and if it's not in him when it properly forms it's not going to go in, and Marco presses his lips together. Because what's the point of this game if he doesn't get knotted, and he'd told them, as well, the fantasy of feeling it, and he knows they'll understand and fake teasing disappointment but he can't-

"Alpha," he says, a whine slipping into his tone, and he watches Ace and Sabo grin gleefully, and that seems like more than enough for Shanks to bring him back down hard. And it was late, late enough to be half-formed, so the sudden press has Marco jolting like he'd touched a livewire, coming unexpectedly at the rough treatment. At how he was so suddenly split open, pain and pleasure a mix he wasn't expecting. Going boneless in Shanks' lap, exhausted and shuddering as Shanks cums in him, a feeling that toys can't emulate. Drooling just a little because he can't close his mouth, slack and panting.

Finally getting enough to mumble something like: my boyfriends are better and Shanks jolts in absolutely hysterical laughter, matched by Ace burying his face in his hands to stifle his own noises and Sabo trying to hide his fondness even as he tweaks Marco's ear.

(Sabo instigates cuddles that night; he refuses to let it be commented on). (But it is kind of sweet that Marco decided to defend their honour.)

(ALSO when I was talking this idea with Tams, idk, had the sudden thought that Shanks is not allowed to have kisses because that is for Ace and Sabo only. Only they get Marco kisses. Marco is fine if they kiss other people but he only really wants to kiss them.)

(Shanks is a bit of a grey area and Marco's okay if he has a bit more warning/if Shanks asks, but in this one he gets his open, panting mouth only teasingly kissed by Ace and Sabo as they pass by him to get a better view to watch)

(also momentarily back to loss of autonomy but low-key this, just, god. marco, ace, or sabo, giving up control for their partners in the ways that they themselves are physically or emotionally tied to, that they consider their strengths? Hm, yeah, just lemme (goes insane). Romantic, loyal Marco, so eager to be used, Sabo letting them tie him down, being broken in and kept, Ace allowing them to pull him apart and pick at his scars and make him heal- just. I have lots of other thoughts about that but this is scattered and I have done so much overtime this week but I wanted to finish this jhsjhd)

[schrijverr]

'Till Death Do Us Part

Part 6 out of 13

When Alex has to bring Philip to work, he and Thomas discover that they both have something in common: they lost their love. They form an unexpected bond and connection about this that grows into something more.

A medium burn with parental feelings about Philip and flowers.

On AO3.

Ships: Jamilton

Warnings: brief mention of trauma in regards to water.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 6: Garden Daisy Means ‘I Share Your Sentiments’

Alex and Philip played in the park the next day. He pushed Philip on the swings, they tossed a ball back and forth, making Alex feel very stereotypical, so he taught Philip how to make flower crowns from the little daisies in the grass.

Philip was especially excited about making the daisy chains, telling Alex animatedly about making one at school tomorrow: “Yeah, Theo loves flowers, so I’ll make her one, because she is my bestest friend.”

“I’m sure, she’ll appreciate that,” Alex smiled.

“Are you going to make one for Mr. Thomas?” Philip asked.

Alex shook his head: “Probably not, buddy. I don’t think Thomas is much of a flower crown person, but it’s a sweet thought of you.”

“Why?”

“What? I’m going to need more context than that, Pip.”

“Why doesn’t Mr. Thomas want a flower crown?” Philip asked, looking heartbroken about it as he then also asked, “Is a flower crown not a fun gift for your bestest friends?”

“No, no, Pip, it’s a wonderful gift for Theo tomorrow, but are Theo and Thomas really the same?” he tried to do damage control.

Philip thought about it, then said: “No, but they both think my art is the coolest and they like hearing about dinos and Uncle Laf said Mr. Thomas really liked the flowers you gave him and that he was adorable over them, so he must like the flowers. Don’t you think, so Papa?”

“Uncle Laf said what?” Alex was unable to help himself, immediately backtracking, not wanting to involve his kid in that, “Never mind, not important. You make some really good points, Pip,” he had to acknowledge that, but he wasn’t giving Thomas a flower crown.

“I do?” Pip sounded excited about it.

“Yes, you do,” building up self esteem was good, “But Papa is probably not going to do that, because there are no flowers around the office and they will wilt if I make it now,” he wasn’t going to make Philip sad, so hopefully that would be enough.

Philip hummed thoughtfully, then shook off the entire thing: “I suppose you’re right.”

They went home soon after, eating dinner, before Alex read Philip a bedtime story. When Philip had drifted off, he gave him a kiss on the forehead: “Sleep tight, Pip. You’re going places.”

In return Philip snuggled closer into his pillow with a soft sigh. Alex smiled at the sleeping kid, before retreating downstairs, planning to work a bit on his essay about biphobia within the queer community.

He had written a few good paragraphs when his phone buzzed. He picked it up and smiled when he saw it was a message from Thomas: ‘Since you told me that if I wanted to pay so bad, I would have to ask you out and because I said I would, here is me formally asking if you have time next Saturday?

Alex giggled at the wording, before shooting back: ‘dork’

‘me and pip usually hang out on saturdays, but i think hercs free to babysit’

Thomas replied: ‘I was hoping to take you on a picnic, if Philip wants to come and you don’t mind, he’s more than welcome’

That was something Alex hadn’t seen coming. He would love if Thomas and Pip got along and it seemed Thomas was willing to spend time with his son, but he worried that the man had only offered out of guilt.

He took a quick screenshot and send it to Angelic, asking: ‘is this thomas being nice and awkward abt it even though he doesnt mean it?’

After a few seconds, she replied: ‘He wouldn’t lie about shit like that, now reply before he gets anxious about your silence’

‘yes, ma’am’

Alex quickly went back to the chat with Thomas and send: ‘ill ask if he wants to come, but iwould love to take you up on the invitation :D’

‘Good’

‘Talk to you tomorrow?’

‘yeah, see you then’

‘goodnight’

‘Sleep tight, Alex’

Alex sat for a moment smiling dumbly at his phone, looking forwards to tomorrow to see Thomas again as he got up to get ready for bed.

The next day, he quickly put his stuff in his office, before going to the break room, knowing that Thomas would be in soon and meet him there. It always took a few minutes, so Alex busied himself with making coffee, trying not to look at the door.

He was just taking his first sip when Thomas came in. Almost choking he managed to wave as he greeted: “Hi.”

“Hello, be careful there,” Thomas smirked, noticing Alex struggle with the coffee.

“Shove off,” Alex told him, finally swallowing the sip that had betrayed him.

“Nah, don’t wanna,” Thomas shrugged, making himself coffee, “How was your weekend? Did you get terrorized by Lafayette as well?”

“God, he got you too?” Alex asked.

“Naturally,” Thomas replied, “He was at my house first thing in the morning on Saturday, I think he had a notepad.”

“He is such an idiot,” Alex facepalmed.

“You’re telling me,” Thomas laughed.

“But no, my weekend was good,” Alex said after a pause, “I was over at Eliza’s on Saturday, she and Maria were watching Pip and on Sunday me and Pip went to the park. You?”

“Well, on Saturday I hosted Laf, unprepared, but it was alright,” he was not telling Alex he had been draped over the couch, dramatically recounting the entire night like a teenager, “Then on Sunday I read a bit,” and botheredJames about date ideas, which he did not appreciate, before bothering him about what would bea good message to send, which he also didn’t appreciate; he added mentally.

“Are you reading anything interesting?” Alex asked.

“Yeah, I’m reading Frankenstein, just a classic I never got around to,” Thomas answered.

Alex lit up and their conversation went on, discussing the want for bodily autonomy that Mary Shelley as a woman in that era must have had and how that was integrated into the book and how the story of being otheredcould be applied to other minorities today.

The rest of the week sped by like usual. Their lunches together had felt a bit odd at first like it had gained a deeper meaning after the date, but then Thomas had spilled his coffee and Alex had snorted and inhaled a few crumbs, so that had worn off quite quickly.

When Alex had asked Philip if he wanted to come with him and Thomas on a picnic the boy had been beyond excited, which made that easy for Alex.

Now was just the issue of making sure that they had a kite for Pip, the drawing of Mr. Thomas he had made and wanted to give to the man, and sunscreen on as well as a jacket with them, because the weather was mostly good, but there might be winds later on.

Thomas came to pick them up in his car, it was a bit flashy, but the normal amount of flashy for Thomas. Still Alex said: “Hi there, show off.”

“And proud of it,” Thomas just grinned back, before he could say anything more though, Philip came running out of the house, yelling: “Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas, do you know how to fly a kite? Will you fly it with me?”

“Wow, calm down, kiddo,” Thomas said to the kid clinging to his waist.

“Sorry, Mr. Thomas.”

“It’s okay, and you can call me Thomas if you want to, you know that, right?”

“But it’s rude to not call people Mister,” Philip frowned.

“Well, it’s okay with me, I am hereby giving you permission to call me Thomas,” Thomas told the kid gently, the whole Mr. Thomas made him feel old.

Philip nodded, then said: “Okay, Uncle Thomas. Do you know how to fly a kite?”

Okay, that was- that was an upgrade that Thomas was unsure of how to deal with, so he just ignored it: “Yeah, I know how to fly a kite. Do you have one?”

“Yes, it’s the bestest one, it gots all the colors of the rainbow on it!” the kid was clearly beyond excited about it.

“Wow, that sounds super awesome, kiddo.”

“What is also super awesome, is car safety,” Alex interrupted them, “I got Pip’s booster seat, do you mind if I put that on the backseat?”

“Of course not, need help?” Thomas answered.

“Nah, I’ve done this before,” Alex grinned.

With Philip’s booster seat firmly in place and the kid buckled in, they got into the car. Thomas holding Alex’s door open with a flourish, making Alex blush as he called him a dork.

“Not a dork, darlin’, just Southern hospitality,” Thomas winked at him, letting his accent coat his words heavily.

And with that he closed Alex’s door and got into the car, driving off in the direction of the nearby park Alex often visited with Pip.

After they arrived Alex got Philip out of the car, while Thomas grabbed Alex’s bag andan actual basket out of the back. When he noticed Alex staring with a raised brow, he shrugged: “You were cliché, so I thought why not.”

“It’s very picturesque.”

“Papa, what is pictuu- pictuu- that word?” Philip asked.

Breaking the eyecontact with Thomas, Alex explained: “Well, sometimes things look just like a picture, they’re put in on purpose to be pretty, like with a drawing. So, we call it picturesque.”

Philip hummed thoughtfully, before he said: “Okay, can I go on the swings?”

“Sure, buddy, but first we go find a spot to sit and maybe eat something, okay?” Alex said, taking Pip’s hand, holding his other out to Thomas with a raised eyebrow.

Thomas took it with a smile, leading them to a spot near the little pond in the park, where a tree provided both shade and an easy marker to find it again if Philip wandered off on his own, which Alex was grateful for.

Out of the basket came a checkered blanket, which made Alex laugh as he and Thomas struggled to lay in down in the wind. But there were also sandwiches, orange juice, brownies, fruit salad and a thermos with coffee.

“Wow, you thought of everything, didn’t you,” Alex whistled.

He got an eye crinkle smile in return as Thomas said: “I try,” before turning to Philip and asking, “What sort of sandwich do you want, kiddo? I got PB and J, ham and cheese and one with chicken and eggplant.”

“May I please have a PB and J sandwich?”

“So, polite,” Thomas commented, handing him the sandwich, “Here you go. Alex?”

“Uhm, can I have one with chicken?”

“Of course, there you are,” Thomas handed him a sandwich, before taking a chicken one as well, nodding a cheers to the others before eating it.

It wasn’t really quiet while they ate, neither Alex nor Philip had a talent for keeping their mouths shut while Thomas was comfortable enough to mix himself into the conversation, either to argue fondly with Alex or to encourage Philip to keep going.

When most of the food was gone, Philip asked: “Can I go on the swings now, Papa?”

Alex checked if the swings were in sight, they were actually quite close and since he was trying to let Pip be more independent, he nodded: “Yeah, just be sure to stay in sight and to come tell me if you’re going somewhere else, okay?”

“Okay, Papa.”

“Can you pinky promise me?” he might be trying to let Pip be more independent, but he still worried about his son.

“Pinky promise,” it was adorable how serious Philip looked while making the pinky promise.

Then Philip skipped off to the swings to play. Alex watched him closely until he got there, then a few moments more just to be sure.

“It’s incredible to see how much you love him,” the comment startled Alex for a moment and he asked: “Wha?”

“Just- you love Philip so much and you can see it every time you two interact,” Thomas explained, “It’s kinda amazing to see. You know, with a big family it wasn’t all that one on one, so seeing how much attention you give him is weird – in the best way of course.”

Alex blushed, no one really every complimented his parenting much, with the trans thing and the single parent and the busy job, most of the PTA moms looked down on him, so it was refreshing to hear: “Oh, uhm, thanks, really means a lot.”

“No problem,” Thomas smiled, “Coffee?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Alex held out his cup and watched it get filled, nodding to Thomas gratefully as he took a sip.

It was quiet for a moment, then a thought popped into Thomas’s head, making him a bit unsure and he asked: “Philip is calling me Uncle Thomas, you okay with that?”

“As long as you are. Pip’s never had a conventional family, I’m not sure he knows exactly what the word is supposed to mean, so he just calls adults he knows well that,” Alex explained, before quickly adding, “If you want him to stop, I can talk to him.”

“Oh, no, I don’t mind – honored, actually – just, you know,checking in.”

“Okay.”

Then it was quiet again. They both stared at the little playground where Philip was now playing tag with a few other kids, obviously done with swinging on the swings.

The sun was out and there were birds in the trees that were chirping, they were sitting on a checkered blanket, nearly completely leaning on one another and Alex was enamored by how picturesque this actually was, even if it had been teasing before.

He remembered Thomas complimenting his date and how relieved and excited that had made him, so he leaned more into Thomas’s side and softly said: “This is pretty amazing, thanks for asking me out again.”

Alex couldn't see it, but Thomas grinned as he replied: “Well, I am glad for inviting you, the company makes it much better.”

“How romantic,” Alex told him, trying, and failing, not to be touched by the comment.

“I try,” Thomas merely replied.

“So,” Alex looked around for something to talk about when he spotted the daisies in the grass and was reminded of his trip to the park with Pip last week, “opinions on flower crowns?”

“What?” Thomas sounded very confused.

He sat up straighter and plucked a few flowers, making a chain and holding it up: “Opinions on flower crowns?”

Thomas laughed for a second, then saw Alex’s face andexclaimed: “Oh my God, you’re being serious.”

Alex laughed too, before schooling his face into a more serious expression: “A trustworthy source told me these are very great gifts.”

“Oh, and who might that source be?” Thomas challenge.

“Well that would be my very own flesh and blood, Philip Hamilton, UncleThomas,” Alex emphasized the title teasingly.

Thomas grinned: “Oh, you should have said so, can’t argue with such an esteemed member of society.”

They both laughed again as Alex plucked more daisies and made a flower crown. It might have been a bit of a joke, but he had never known when to stop and he wasn’t going to start now, so he concentrated on braiding the flowers together while Thomas watched with an amused smile.

“Here, a pretty flower crown, for a pretty boy,” Alex said, handing Thomas the flower crown, taking much delight in how he had a front row seat to a blush blooming over Thomas’s entire face.

Mutely Thomas took the flower crown, mentally trying not to die at Alex’s face and words, which was really hard.

“Well, aren’t you going to put it on?” Alex asked, it was kinda mean to tease at this point, but he couldn't help it when Thomas looked like that.

“Ye- yeah, naturally,” Thomas managed, putting the flower crown on as he regained his bearings, “So, how do I look?” his voice was still a bit squeaky.

“Ah, just like I thought,” Alex smiled, “beautiful.”

“You can’t just say things like that, Alex,” Thomas tried to hide his face.

“Yes, yes, I can. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m kind of known for always speaking my mind and being honest. Can’t help it if it’s true.”

“I hate you.”

“I sure hope that’s not true or this is going to be awkward.”

It was a teasing reply, but both stilled for a moment, before Thomas slowly and softly said: “No, I- I didn’t mean that, you’re- you’re pretty alright.”

“Pretty alright… Hm, I’ll take it,” Alex was smirking, trying to play off the fact that his heart was beating like a marathon runner’s as relief flooded through his veins.

Thomas shoved him over and said: “You’re an idiot.”

“Now that- that I already knew,” Alex grinned, before getting up and looking back to the playground to check in on Philip.

He didn’t have to search much, because the boy was just running their way, yelling: “Papa, Papa, I slayed the dragon.”

“Wow, really buddy? That’s so cool,” Alex caught him as the kid practically tripped into his arms as he gestured wildly while recounting his epic encounter with a dragon and a witch and some fairies who were ‘the coolest, Papa, you should have seen then, they went pow pow and it was so cool.’

Then he spotted Thomas with the flower crown perched on his head and he smiled widely: “Did you give Uncle Thomas a flower crown like I said, Papa?”

“Yeah, I did, Pip. You were right, it was a great gift.”

“I have to agree, you have way better ideas than your Papa,” Thomas budded in.

Philip’s smile widened: “Really? I think so, but Papa is an adult and people always say adults know better.”

“Well, in some instances, adults have more experiences so they can make better decisions, but that doesn’t mean they’re always right,” Thomas said, “Kids can have interesting ideas too. Think of it like painting, experiences are different colors, but you don’t need every color, you can just make a more elaborate picture with more.”

Alex watched as Philip took a moment to think about it, before he nodded in understanding and saying: “So, I may not have all the colors yet, but I can make a good picture?”

“Yeah, exactly,” Thomas was grinning so broadly that Alex was going to loose his mind with how much he adored Thomas and Philip interacting and how fucking cute it was.

Suddenly Philip’s eyes lit up and he said: “Papa, I forgot to give Uncle Thomas his picture.”

“You can give it now, buddy,” Alex told him, reaching over to the bag he brought himself and digging through it.

“My what?” Thomas asked in the background.

“I made you a picture,” Philip was bouncing in place waiting for Alex to find it. When he did, he handed it to Pip, who in turn handed it to Thomas.

“It’s you,” he said, “You’re all purple, because you like purple like me and you have big hair like Uncle Laf and Uncle Herc do, though Uncle Herc’s is smaller and I gave you a book and a laptop ad then I thought planes would be cool, so I added those.”

“Wow, Philip, this is amazing,” Thomas said, “I feel like I should donate it to a museum, but something is missing for that.”

“What?” Philip’s face fell slightly.

“I need it signed, can’t have a masterpiece and forget who made it. What if you get famous? I want to be able to brag that I got an original Philip Hamilton drawing,” he dug around in his pocket and got out the purple pen he used to sign things when he was annoyed at Washington.

Philip took it excitedly, messily scrawling his name at the bottom, before handing it back: “Here, for you.”

“Truly, I’m speechless,” Thomas said, “I’m going to have to frame this.”

“You will?” Philip’s eyes were as big as plates.

“I am a man of my word and I promise,” Thomas told him, holding up a pinky. He had alreadyfigured out that promise meant the most to Philip at this age.

Philip happily interlocked their fingers, before Thomas carefully put the drawing away. Once it was gone, Philip asked: “Can we go kiting now?”

“We first have to put it together if you want to do that, so while I do that why don’t you drink some more juice,” Alex said, already pouring juice in a cup for Pip.

“Thank you, Papa,” Philip started drinking happily.

He struggled with putting the kite together, but luckily Thomas had more experience in putting together kites, citing his big family. So, they had it assembled by the time Philip had finished his juice.

Alex forced Philip to eat a brownie too. It might not be the healthiest, but he wouldn’t let Philip run around on an empty stomach if he could help it.

“I have no clue how to do this,” Alex confessed holding the kite. He had bought it on a whim in the supermarket about twoweeksago. However, he had no childhood memories to draw from on how to do this.

“Fortunately for you, I do,” Thomas said, taking the kite from him, “Here, let me take this.”

Alex gladly gave the task away and watched as Thomas gave Philip the handle of the kite and instructed him on what to do as he threw the kite into the air.

Philip whooped when it stayed up and Thomas cheered as well. Alex took out his phone and sneakily took a picture of the two, before cheering as well.

He flew the kite for half an hour before it went wrong. It was nothing big, just a sudden gust of wind that ripped the kite from Philip’s small hands and carried the kite away from them until it dropped into the water.

They looked at the kite for a second, before Philip turned to Alex with big eyes: “Papa, we have to save the kite.”

Looking at the water, Alex shuddered before he replied: “I’m sorry, Pip, but I can’t retrieve it for you. I think you’re going to have to say goodbye to the kite.”

“I can go get it, please, Papa,” there were tears gathering in Philip’s eyes.

In his mind images of Philip drowning flashed and quite harshly he said: “No!” cringing as Philip startled slightly. In a softer tone, he repeated: “No, Pip. You can’t swim, I’m not letting you in the water, because it’s dangerous and your clothes will get wet.”

“But- but the kite,” Philip argued.

“It was an accident, but we lost the kite,” Alex tried to break the news gently.

They were distracted by Thomas, who said: “I can go get the kite.”

“What?” “Will you do that, Uncle Thomas!”

“No, I can’t ask that of you,” Alex said, “You’ll ruin your clothes and it’s in the water and it might get cold later, it’s too much to ask.”

“I’ll be fine, Alex. Unlike Philip here, I can swim, so it’s fine if I fall. And this isn’t a natural pond anyway,” Thomas explained, “It’s made to trap rainwater so the neighborhood doesn’t get flooded, but because it’s in a kids park, it’s shallower. I don’t think my shorts will get wet.”

“You really don’t have to do this,” Alex pressed again, making sure that Thomas didn’t feel obligated just because Philip would be mildly upset about it.

“I know,” Thomas smiled as he sat down to toe off his shoes and socks.

Before he stepped into the water, he looked at Pip and seriously said: “Can you watch over our spot and your Papa for me while I go rescue the kite?”

Philip nodded, equally serious: “With my life.”

“Good,” Thomas chuckled, then set his first step.

He had been right about the depth of the pond and got to the kite without any difficulties. More onlookers had turned their attention to the water, but Thomas tried to ignore them as he saved the kite.

Returning to the shore he handed it to Philip, who beamed: “Thank you so somuch, Uncle Thomas.”

“No problem, kiddo, though I don’t think we can kite any more with the kite all wet,” he replied.

“That’s okay, I can still swing,” Philip said.

As the kid ran off again to play, Alex turned to Thomas: “Really, thank you, you didn’t have to do it, but thanks.”

“Did you see Philip’s smile? Worth it, really,” Thomas assured him.

Alex smiled, he didn’t think his heart could contain all the affection he had for Thomas in that moment, so he just hugged the man and gave him a peck on the cheek.

Thomas gently touched the spot Alex had kissed before smiling like he was the happiest man on earth, which only made Alex scream more internally.

They returned to their blanket and watched Philip play. After a few minutes of silence, Thomas lightly said: “So, water. Not a fan?”

“Ah, no, not really,” Alex replied, not sure on what to say.

“You don’t have to tell me, just good to keep in mind,” Thomas told him gently.

“Oh, no, it’s okay, just not something I talk about much,” Alex shrugged.

Thomas repeated: “You don’t have to tell me, really.”

“I know,” Alex assured him, “You know how I’m an immigrant, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I come from the Caribbean and uhm- You see, there was this hurricane that hit my island when I was seventeen. It’s- uh, it’s not something I’d recommend living through,” he told Thomas.

“Oh wow, I remember that being on the news,” Thomas felt like he had maneuvered himself into an awkward position. He was bad at comfort, with John he could relate, but here he was way out of his depths.

“It’s okay now, I got over it- mostly,” Alex shrugged, trying to move on, “Just don’t like water or storms that much.”

Thomas nodded, staying quiet. Instead he slung an arm over Alex���s shoulders and let the man snuggle close as he stared off in the direction Philip was in, though Thomas wasn’t sure if he was seeing much, so he kept an eye on the kid just in case.

After a moment, Alex asked: “Do you have one of those brownies left?”

“What? Huh, oh yeah. Here.”

“Thank you, these are amazing.”

“Why thank you, I made them.”

“You did?”

“You don’t have to sound so surprised.”

“I’m not,” a beat, then Alex said, “Well, I am, but it’s more pleasantly surprised than anything else. I didn’t know you baked.”

Thomas was glad for the change in topic and that the atmosphere hadn’t been ruined by his comment. So he replied: “It’s calming, repetitive and you have something nice at the end.”

“Never pegged you to be a stress baker,” Alex commented.

“According to Jemmy it’s one of my more redeeming qualities,” Thomas joked.

Alex laughed: “James is good in pinning people, I’ll take his word.”

“He thought you to be annoying and a dick, so I don’t think you wanna do that,” Thomas raised a brow at him.

“Schematics,” Alex waved his hand, “And in my defense, I was annoying back then, maybe even a bit of a dick, butI just aged like fine wine.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“I thought you were supposed to be on my side.”

“What can I say, I’m a man of many faces.”

“You’re a dork, that’s what you are.”

“Maybe so,” Thomas smirked, before looking over to the playground again. Philip was going down the slide, before running around with another kid. Thomas said: “He looks like he’s having fun.”

“Yeah, yeah, he does,” Alex agreed, snuggling closer into Thomas’s side.

Thomas planted a kiss on the top of his head and Alex was pretty sure he was one day going to melt out of affection.

Philip stopped running for a moment, to turn to them and wave excitedly. Alex waved back and so did Thomas. Alex couldn't stop the smile on his face, this was nice, so much nicer than he ever thought he was going to get after John’s death.

He send a quick look to the sky, slightly wistful, before fully draping himself over Thomas, earning a not-that-offended offended squawk that he ignored in favor of draping even more until Thomas gave in and let them both topple over.

Alex vowed that he was going to try to hold on to this for as long as possible.

I am not a parent btw, I feel like I should have stated that early, also don’t take this fic as parenting advise. I try to write Good Parent!Alex, but that doesn’t mean it will be entirely, bc, again, no experience in this field.

Btw, Philip not understanding Uncle and Auntie and being over at the other’s houses so much is a concept I love, bc it’s a very queer way to raise a kid. Sure, Alex is his primary care giver and dad and stuff, but a village raises a kid and- ugh, I love found family dynamics.

Also this is getting incredibly fluffy, I was worried this was going to be too dark for me with my other fics, but no within a few chapters the angst has made place for this. Love that for me *gay peace sign*

[unproduciblesmackdown]

another reason jere and chris’s relationship is written well (see always: it’s not that hard!! ugh!!! super simple things to do but no we have to have a zillion horribly-handled empty guy/girl relationships!! why not) is just that like.....it doesn’t do that exasperating thing where the girl who is being crushed upon just needs to Notice the guy in the last 10 minutes and it will be like “wow yeah we’re dating now” like the only way to have a positive relationship at all is to be like well i’m your girlfriend now

but like, jeremy and christine actually have A Relationship Development over the entire course of the musical And there are strong suggestions that they have a very parallel experience in terms of how they Like each other, despite jeremy being the one who starts out with a crush while we don’t have reason to think christine has a crush on him at the start of things, but it sure seems like she does start to have this genuine interest in jeremy the whole time even if she isn’t necessarily thinking of it in that way the entire time

like ilpr is a solid and genuine foundation showing that christine can be herself in jeremy’s presence, not even independently of his feedback either, i.e. if he hadn’t responded as positively as he had she probably wouldn’t have been as genuine and open as she was. and we get to see that jeremy experiences this and totally enjoys it, that Reaction when she gets super worked up with the punches and voice all I!! LOVE!! PLAY! REHEARSAL!! is golden thank you william....and like!! they’re kindred spirits!! christine isn’t ~too good~ for him b/c she’s Popular (since she isn’t even officially in the popular group, not even later on when she’s dating jake and considering Jeremy to be popular), it’s that jeremy thinks Absolutely Everyone is too good for him b/c he thinks he’s fundamentally deficient/inferior just As A Person somehow...”like i’m some Normal handsome guy” is really a hell of a verse....anyways the point is that jeremy is in his heart a christine-esque person in terms of the way christine is So Passionate and weird and dramatic and loud!! but jeremy isn’t really aware of this at the time and trying super hard to repress everything abt himself and in being drawn to christine he is recognizing that Quintessential part of himself w/o realizing it

ANYWAYS and at the end of the rehearsal scene jeremy feels put out like once again there’s been a takedown / i just wanna know that christine is aware i’m alive....but she IS aware he’s alive and he HAS made a positive impression on her, he just like, looks at jake as the Epitome Of Popular super appealing guy, (see: jake/jeremy...), and sees himself as the total opposite end of that spectrum, how could anyone like him when jake’s around, and being in such a negative / failure-expecting / self-loathing place that his perspective is skewed and he can’t see that it Wasn’t a total failure in terms of getting christine’s attention

and then! a guy that i’d kinda be into is all like “oh look here’s this love song between christine and jeremy” but then it’s like “syke!! it was christine and jake” but it’s not Really a psykhe because it’s a love song within a love song with the “i guess a part of me etc” section. and jeremy definitely Feels that in the moment but then again gets such whiplash and the whole thing in his mind is eclipsed by once again having it confirmed for him that she’s into jake. but like, of course it’s easy to see why her relationship with jeremy is developing at the same time as she’s interested in jake, b/c there’s no reason for that to be impossible and yknow, once again christine feels like she can be genuine around jeremy and share her real thoughts with him and she Wants and Likes to talk with him. 

and yknow it doesnt help that the squip steps in and is like “its hopeless christine will never like you unless you totally remake yourself” and such, but still, it’s actually going along okay, and jeremy hasn’t even needed the squip to do it. yeah the one incident of him kinda cheating by getting the squip’s help is saying him having a whole Thing at the mall was performance art, but then really it’s all just cancelled out when the squip has jeremy say that he has no reason to join the drama club save his thespianism, and christine is evidently a bit put out by that “why ELSE would i be here”

and then yknow seeing christine liking jake, the center of the whole popular group, and with the squip telling him he needs to be more like those Most Socially Successful people, natch jeremy believes he needs to figure out how to cut it as a ~popular guy~ and then goes off and does that for the rest of act 1 while christine and jake do their own thing

but then Oh The Couch Scene..........it’s so beautiful. and the squip is off and jeremy feels like he’s Messed Up when his impulse is silly and weird....but that’s what he’s really like!! and christine vibes with it and it becomes most obvious that that part of him, the actual Genuine Jeremy part of him, is what’s led him to have what’s arguably his most successful connection with her, just based on sitting down and talking for a second and making each other laugh......like, it Sure Is Something that jeremy learns that christine already thinks of him as popular but just seems to think this divides him from her......this subversion in which now christine thinks of jeremy, who’s supposed to be the loser geek whatever with the unattainable crush, as the out-of-reach Popular Guy......and i like that christine thinks jeremy’s been getting it on with everyone but it just turns into them laughing about her pun. b/c whether he had or hadn’t it’s nice to know christine would not take real issue with that lmao......it’s a great time for someone to express some respect for jeremy’s autonomy. and well anyways!! they have their heartmelting reprise and like. it’s not that christine tells jeremy she doesn’t actually like him and at that point i’m fairly sure that she’s more Aware of possibly maybe liking him. but like!! similar to him she’s been trying out a slightly different version of herself, and it’s just now hitting this roadblock b/c jake in his element here hosting a party w/ all the other popular kids has to be more like his ~Usual~ self than his “i’m also trying new things” self that led to him dating christine.....and, yknow, it’s a lot at once when she’s conflicted abt her and jake and her own sense of identity in general and like, regardless of how she feels about him, right in that moment still at the party of course she’s not gonna feel confident that yes let’s immediately jump into this new relationship. but that doesn’t mean she Doesn’t like him on her own b/c. yknow, their relationship is slowly developing in the background for her even as she focuses on these other things. b/c that’s how it goes sometimes!!

and then yknow the house burns down and everyone’s even more conflicted about everything and jeremy telling christine abt being squipped just freaks her out b/c like, surprise, and b/c yknow, now all these interactions between them which felt very genuine (and were!! the squip doesn’t really direct jeremy at all even if part of the time knowing that it was there gave him this confidence he wouldntve otherwise had, but ilpr / the couch bit was a wholly unsquipt affair) seems like maybe jeremy was just parroting the squips instructions the whole time, and it’s easy to see how that feels like a betrayal, have i said this exact thing before? idk. and then, yknow, her kind of being like “jeremy wtf” is a moment of calibration for him but oh no the squip’s going rogue!! etc. but the fact that it upsets her means her interactions with jeremy held real value to her

and then yknow The Play......first of all? jeremy having the squip for a while means that it’s glitching him up, screwing with his voice and movement, but its still not capable of entirely overriding jeremy’s own commands. thus, presumably, it’s not possible that christine’s 30-second-old squip would be able to force her to do or say something she didn’t want to at all, despite the fact that like, clearly it’s not natural, i really doubt it’s just like the squip mecha-piloting christine’s body and voice. it’s all a bit fuzzy b/c yknow, jeremy’s squip is at the center of the network and everyone’s is being synced to his, and so it seems like jeremy’s squip could tell other ppl’s squip what to do maybe, but it’s hard to say how it truly operates b/c a) chaos and b) jeremy’s squip, a Known Liar, c) is now lying more than ever to try to drag jeremy past the finish line of its plan

but anyways my point is that like. obviously without everyone being squipped, christine at that point would not have just suddenly declared her love for jeremy, and jeremy always Reacts to the weirdness of this and that it doesn’t seem right. but! a)! totally think christine does have her own crush on jeremy at that point. and!! wildly relevantly!! b) the squip just beamed lore from rich’s head (his locker combo) right into jeremy’s via their link, so? if the goal of jeremy’s and christine’s squips was to convince christine asap that Being With Jeremy Would Be Ideal?? why NOT give christine access to jeremy’s real actual feelings for her. she would need convincing anyways, clearly she was just mad at him 3 seconds ago, clearly she was questioning whether any of what she might have thought jeremy felt for her was real!! so it would only work in their favor to let her Know what jeremy’s actual thoughts and feelings are. and then, yknow, if she’s got THAT issue of thinking he wasn’t genuine resolved, and if having her own squip has her like, immediately able to understand why jeremy wanted to have/keep one, and if she’d already had her own Real Feelings for jeremy in the works, and with how she’d probably be questioning her own judgment extra hard anyways thanks to the stress and confusion of the whole Fire problem on top of the vulnerable place she’d already been in re questioning her relationship which she got into while questioning herself.....not super wild to see how she could be convinced vs the squip must totally be forcing her and doing a total system override

but anyways even if, yknow, it IS all of christine’s real feelings at that point like the squip assures him it is in some versions, jeremy recognizes that he doesn’t think it Should be happening this way even if it is supposedly working out in his favor. and then he proves that he’s not gonna let christine stay caught up in his mess and that he prioritizes her like, being allowed to be her own person vs them getting to Be Together, and just icing on the cake that he’s willing to sacrifice himself in a very real way to do that, b/c natch he doesn’t know that the chain reaction thing will happen.........and well then anyways vimh very obvious and even though it’s The Next Scene jeremy’s been legit comatose for however long and christine’s had some time to reflect on events w/o even having the pressure of it being possible to interact with jeremy and been able to make up her collective mind......and anyways the point is that in a lesser piece of media it’d be like “wow thanks for helping me out jeremy, i’ve truly never noticed you but now i’m like cool nice let’s kiss”, but instead it’s that the play and the moment of truth between them and the aftermath is all possible b/c of the way their relationships been developing and the way their individual journeys and their feelings for each other have been awfully parallel in many ways and it’s fitting b/c of that kindred spirits thing and what’s the point of this post? idk. it’s me saying imo christine lowkey has a crush on jeremy already and that this is a way better story than doing the “i didn’t even consider us friends but One Thing happens in the last 20 min to make me go ‘jerry??’ and yeah let’s date now”

what’s my conclusion.......uhhh.......they’re Valid

[checkyesifulikeme]

okay wow so much has gone on over the past couple of days i’m still reeling in shock but it’s almost a blissful state of shock if that’s even possible LOL. first things first i’m feeling very anxious abt getting a new job, i’ve been unemployed for a little over a month now and my guilt is picking at my brain and heartstrings like those little fish that eat the dead skin off of the bottoms of ppl’s feet. 

SO i’m definitely going to Saddle Up and apply to whatever coffee spots are hiring, although i know my chances of being hired will be much greater by the END of next month (graduation = university students quitting their jobs&going back home) but i can’t wait that long because i feel like the universe is fixing me with a judgmental glare. i haven’t taken time off of working since high school really so maybe i’m just a bit of a workaholic despite Hating mindless labor idk i feel guilty/useless very easily ok !!!!!! but it’s not as bleak as it sounds. i’ve actually had an amazing month being unemployed (my bday month!) and i’ve finally started my journey on bettering my mental health which is something i’ve continuously put on the back-burner my entire life. so this was long overdue. i believe the prozac has actually been helping a ton (it’s the same anti-depressant my mom is on N we’re very very very similar in our mental health so makes Cents). i’m still looking for a therapist and i’m on a waiting list for a second opinion from a different psychiatrist in my city (there r unfortunately very few psych doctors where i live) because the one i originally went to diagnosed me in a kind of alarming manner??? i questioned it immediately but everyone told me to just trust him but fr he diagnosed me based off of 1 appointment and my answers on a sheet of paper, not even bothering to ask me about any of my symptoms in depth at ALL and immediately prescribing 3 different medications idk i was super weirded out but at least i got a good anti-depressant out of it lmfao (i’m not taking the other 2, both of which are anti-psychotics that left me brain dead). 

aside from the mental health stuff i’ve been feeling extremely elated and joyous about life lately. i’ve gotten back into reading (read an entire book in 3 days and i’ve gotten a little over halfway through the goldfinch which i began reading like 2 or more years ago by now lolll) which i’ve been meaning to do for years and years. i finished my first sewing project! gotten a lot better w/ maintaining a clean space, watering my plants on a schedule/much more efficiently than before (i don’t have to haul them all into the tub every time they need to be watered) and i’ve been a lot more in tune with my emotions and needs as well as the needs of those i love. one of the worst parts of my mental health is the chafing irritability i feel for no good reason and the erratic ebb and flow of my feelings but since being put on prozac i’ve felt like i have a healthier grasp of things which makes my heart burst with joy because much of my life i’ve spent living in a perpetually ‘muddled’ state. it’s nice.

on top of all this, last night by ex best friend texted me a longggg apology/explanation of why he disappeared from my life about ~4 months ago and it made me cry. he’s flying back from london and will be back on monday so i’m probably going to meet up w him and my sister sometime next week! i almost felt this coming but didn’t at all at the same time lol idk how to explain. i was extremely hurt losing him as well as my other ‘best friend’ at the time but since then i’d sort of deaded those emotions and pushed forward and i’ve actually been doing really well for myself even if it can be lonely at times. i still had my online friends who i cherish so so so dearly, my boyfriend and my family and have been focusing on just Me and my inner workings and habits and how i can be better to myself and those around me, more involved more present more vocal about my love for them. more open to sharing myself. sharing myself has always been one of my biggest road blocks because i am so debilitated by fear (of rejection of judgement of being fully Seen). but i’m trying to move past this. i really am. i think i can overcome this fear by utilizing the even stronger force inside of me that craves connection, craves being seen but even moreso seeing others too and allowing them to know that they are loved and heard and cared for and i am here to help. although me and this friend’s relationship has been literally all over the damn place i truly believe from the bottom of my heart that he is a loving person. he has been damaged but we all have. idk. forgiveness is beautiful to me and i just feel so deeply that re-connecting will only make our friendship that much stronger. with so many of my ex friends i do not feel this way. re-kindling does not feel needed or entirely possible, really. but i have met very few ppl so in tune with my mindset, we’re very very different and have lived through VERY different circumstances but our inner workings resonate, if that makes sense. and he brought that up in our conversation last night and it just brings tears to my eyes. he said something along the lines of “i just don’t want to lose a genuine connection with another person especially in a fucked up world like this because they truly are so rare.” and i agree. i connect w so many people in different ways, i think all of us do or have the capacity to at least, but that deep understanding and history and mutual growth and love is rare, i think. i don’t feel like i can fully explain it here and now but idk i’m just super emotional over this because like i said i had previously deaded the possibility of reconnection in my mind, largely because i no longer knew how my (previously) best friends saw me anymore or had potentially even seen me to begin with. but him reaching out allowed me to understand a little bit more and i am certainly not beyond forgiveness because GOD KNOWS i have not been a perfect person. none of us have. my boyfriend is apprehensive but i know it’s just out of his protectiveness over me and he’d never hinder my autonomy to chose where i go from here. and i understand. he’s the one who had to stay up with me countless nights while i cried and lost my mind and blew up his phone with texts about how worthless and angry i felt and beat myself up time and time again so believe me i understand. it’s going to be a process but i just know forgiveness is absolutely the right choice. part of this journey for me is listening to my heart and she wants to forgive. see and be seen. hear and be heard. love is all that matters to me at the end of the day and i am not going to deny it.