#and my mind cannot actually process that this shit is really happening

[nova-rogue]

The assumption that all production is a monolith is certainly a choice here. Two major things on cinematography:

Cinematographers are generally good at their job. They know way more than you could ever know about lighting a scene. Someone taking a screenshot and "brightening" it in software like photoshop is NEVER going to prove the point you think you're proving. Because lighting doesn't work that way and you're taking a 2D still of a 3D film that already has processing and compression and using a brightening tool. Like that's not how that works at all. This is a dumb comparison to make. You don't have the original captured image and all of its data. You cannot adjust the brightness with a screenshot: you need to be able to process the full image data.

A big downfall, though: Movies are lit specifically for the best case scenario of lighting and color nuance. Theater screens and projectors are supposed to be kept clean, working, and up to spec, and movies are lit for that purpose. A movie is rarely "too dark" it's just that you're watching it sub-optimally on a computer, phone, or TV, or god forbid on a movie projector that hasn't had its routine maintenance (something that notably got worse because of the pandemic!). This isn't your fault as a consumer btw, it's just a stupid disparity that exists.

Cinematographers light differently than you'd expect. White is meant to be seen as the BRIGHTEST thing on the screen. Every ounce of brightness is lit down based on that. Your computer screen? There are things just as bright as white because of the way brightness is done on computer monitors. Cinematographers use a system called False Color in order to identify and "visualize" brightness levels:

Note that Brightness has to do with literal light output and not hue or saturation. Those are different things.

Cinematographers use False Color overlays when adjusting for lighting on set in order to determine the appropriate levels based around pure white being the brightest thing ever on screen and pure black being the darkest possible thing.

Because of this: compression is a bitch. If you're watching on any at-home device your device is compressing the shit out of the bottom end of the spectrum! You are seeing LESS detail than intended. There will be artifacting there that's typically pretty visible. This doesn't happen with (maintained) projectors.

When you watch on an at-home device you are viewing with less color nuance than is actually captured on camera.

These cinematographers are not "lazy". They're not using "flat lighting" (jesus christ) and they rarely have to "fix things on set" like this post is implying. Their lights and lighting are often just fine. The bigger issue is the technology disparity between what Cinematographers are lighting for--for NUANCE and COLOR RANGE--versus what color range output the average person's device is capable of putting out.

Also, if you're ever watching a pirated movie or show, unfortunately it is highly likely it's in less quality than the original and the compression, artifacting, and overall quality is going to be worse. Not saying you're wrong for doing this (fuck the streaming service hell world), just making mention that pirating does sometimes affect quality.

See Also: VFX is absolutely a bitch too, but we do talk about it wrong. CGI tech is really good now, but I've seen VFX artists on twitter talk about how the biggest issues arise when the production team doesn't have a solid vision for what they want and keep changing their mind or making adjustments to what's needed. Less time to work on the CGI means less quality CGI. Sometimes the lighting and color grading of post-production is affected by this problem as well. If you watched either of Denis Villeneuve's DUNE films, it's worth watching any behind the scenes production stuff you can. You'll note that Villeneuve and Greig Fraser (my favorite cinematographer of all time btw) worked very hard with visual development, story boarding, and pre-production so that they had a clear vision for going into solving cinematography problems in advance, which also makes post-production go smoother. A lot of times it's not even the Director and Cinematographer's fault if they aren't given the time or budget to make things go as smoothly as DUNE.

So yeah, posts like this irritate me because a lot of assumptions are made by people who know very little about how cinematography works. There are little snippets here and there that are correct (like the rushed/lack of vision VFX stuff), but a lot of it gets pinned on either the director or cinematographer, which is often unfair. Someone doesn't get in Greig Fraser's position (or even lower!) by being bad at lighting on set. It's a job with an impossibly high skill ceiling. There is stuff with more mediocre cinematography, but the issues are rarely going to be "lazy lighting". It's usually something else.

OMG. Somebody said it out loud.

Disney is absolutely not the only studio doing this though.

It seems to have become standard practice across movies and series everywhere.

Anything that doesn't do it is like a breath of sunlight and fresh air inside a dank musty cave.

It's part of the 'fix it in post-production' epidemic sweeping through the studios. Fix it in post is often used as a time/money-saving measure - and is absolutely part of the same mess that the WGA is fighting against currently.

Rather than fixing things on-set - audio, lighting, something in-frame that shouldn't be, etc. (which is all handled by unionized crew) - they leave it for the CG folks (not unionized) to edit later.

(on ridiculously tight schedules that leave them scrambling, cutting corners, and working inhumane hours)

See also: that part where scripts aren't finished, because the studio won't fully staff the writers room, and won't pay to have writers on-set for day-of-filming script questions and fixes (which could resolve issues such as 'what kind of lighting do we need here?')

Anyway, all this shit we, as audiences, keep complaining about - bad lighting, bad sound, wonky visual effects, over-usage of not-great CGI, stilted acting on green-screen sets, scripts that seem not-quite-finished, costumes that look like they're cheap and flimsy, terrible hair and makeup, films and series that aren't as polished as they could be...

Plus the complaints we have about streaming services and their shenanigans...

All of that is enmeshed in the extreme capitalism that has taken over everything, including entertainment, to the point that studios are abusing their workforce and churning out material that - at best just doesn't live up to its potential - at worst, is just unwatchable shit.

[wikitpowers]

it is finally, FINALLY their era ~~~

[drdemonprince]

hey, so this is super random and I’m not sure if you have thought about this but figured I’d ask: (came to my mind after reading your story in *unmasking* about intervening in street harassment)

I’m audhd and it really affects my sensory processing, social/ situational awareness etc since it’s hard for me to discern which stimuli are important in any given situation. I’m also realizing that I never really feel unsafe as a single woman in a dense city environment, even when my friends feel unsafe. Makes it hard to trust my own intuition about that kinda stuff since everyone I know apart from myself has that experience.

Question is, do you happen to have any info/ best practices about situational awareness and judging the danger of potentially sketchy situations? Walking around the city at night, creepy rural gas station, online hookup, greyhound bus alone etc.

Everything online says “trust your intuition” but my intuition always says “ehh it’ll be fine” lol.

The truth is, it usually WILL be fine. Most people's *~magical crime and danger intuition~* is a combination of true crime slop, inaccurate media coverage of the crime rate inflating their anxieties, and classism and racism. The vast majority of crimes are not committed by random strangers lurking in the dark, but between individuals who know one another and in circumstances that are at least somewhat explicable, and so you do not need magic empath powers to determine if you will be safe somewhere or not.

The way you keep relatively safe is by informing yourself of the facts, not the hype -- look up the actual crime statistics for your area, for example, though be highly skeptical of them. These figures are collected by the police state and we cannot trust them to define what safety or unsafety even IS, as they are the source of the danger for the majority of us. What they classify as crime and where they bother to enforce crime is highly skewed, and itself can create massive misapprehensions. So make sure to also speak with people in the communities you are visiting about what happens to them and the general vibe. Also spend a lot of time out in your community yourself, observing things, talking to people, hanging out, maybe volunteering, and learning the lay of the land. You'll have more people around to help you if you ever need it, and you'll find more occasions where your help is needed, too!

Follow some basic, common sense advice to avoid making oneself especially vulnerable, but don't over-isolate yourself. Things like keeping one earbud out of your ear when walking home alone at night and not keeping a purse open on the train are always sensible maneuvers; carrying pepper spray or a gun that will more likely be used to harm you is not. Learn how to de-escalate people if you don't already know -- acting calm, making your posture non-threatening but confident, moving slowly and predictably, avoiding provocative eye contact, changing the subject of conversation, engaging a victim of harassment and pretending to know them in order to drag them away from a bad situation, etc. These things will be helpful to you if a situation arises, and the more prepared you feel, the less anxious you ever have to be.

Honestly, moving through the world with a "this feels fine / seems fine" energy is ITSELF massively protective. I have ALWAYS walked around alone at night, even when I was a small 18 year old "girl," including in areas where the majority of women of my then-demographic would have not felt "safe" going out on their own. By and large, I was completely fine. People really don't want to mess with you if you seem like you have a handle on your shit and are not afraid of them.

The worst that ever happened to me was a guy grabbing my tit -- in broad daylight on a sunday on a train packed full of people. It really couldn't have been avoided. And a guy flashing me -- again in midday in a family oriented neighborhood many would deem safe. I survived these things, and I defended myself by getting aggressive with the guys who did them, and physically attacking them, which scared them off. I'm glad I did what I did, and I'm glad I wasn't so intimidated by the possibility of scary stranger danger that I kept myself sequestered away.

The few other times anyone made me uncomfortable, it was things like leering comments or walking alongside me for a block, hitting on me (sometimes, yes, late at night), but because I was able to be assertive, unbothered, and stand my ground, the guys always gave up or were scared off (by me). And this reaction from me is one I largely credit to having no instinctual "stranger danger" crime intuition of the sort most white women are conditioned to have.

In short, I think your instincts might be more accurate to reality than your friends' are. It's good to look around and pay attention to things, to learn to recognize patterns, to study one's area, to speak to people in your community and know what's going on, and to prepare oneself for hard situations, which WILL happen to you sometimes no matter what you do. but the world is rarely as scary as it's made out to be.

[james-spooky]

Eddie Diaz and the Phenomenon of Queer Representation

A post to organise my thoughts ahead of the rest of the season and to really get this off my chest! (Spoilers for 9-1-1) (It’s long and I will inevitably have more thoughts about things I failed to mention)

Within queer representation in media, there’s a certain expectation that audiences have been conditioned to accept, including the omission of any representation at all. This has led to many non-canon ships being popularised in fandoms in an attempt to obtain agency surrounding queer media. One of these such head canons is Eddie Diaz from 9-1-1 who is largely speculated to be gay. This is sort of an essay and sort of me rambling on.

Picking up in Season 8, Episode 1, Eddie’s been trying for three months so keep his shit together and try to stay in contact with his son in the wake of the whole emotionally-cheating-with-the-doppelgänger-of-your-deceased-wife situation. I think the birthday zoom was really the beginning of his breakdown. To keep all of this inside him it way too much for someone to handle. He is going to break at some point with the stress. Not only that but as others have pointed out, Helena and Ramon are not actively participating in the reconnection of their son and their grandchild. This ties into their long-term goal which has been present across multiple seasons to be Christopher’s sole caregivers, without any acknowledgment of Eddie. To me it looks like he’s been trying to put on a brave face for his kid and sort of suppress everything (as he always does) to try and be a better father. But you can’t be that person if you’re not taking care of yourself; not necessarily “putting yourself first”, not in a selfish way but genuinely having self-love and a certain assuredness, something which Eddie doesn’t appear to have pinned down. I can definitely see him being introspective this season and forced to deal with quite literally everything that’s ever happened to him and to actually process that and who he really is. Ergo, realising his sexuality.

Tim said that the episode six thing was one of his favourite moments in the show, is actively excited for us to see it, is the episode where the “reason for the moustache” is “explicitly stated”; genuinely what else could this be other than gay Eddie. I cannot think of a reason personally. Other than “religion” which I don’t is a path they’d go down; I cannot come up with another reason for why they’re being so vague about it.

This is exactly the same thought process I went through pre-s7. I wrote down all my thoughts and analysis on those articles and Buck’s arc, coming to the conclusion that there could be no other outcome other than Buck being bisexual. Before s7 there were lots of articles about Buck and they all had that same sort of strange wording surrounding his storylines that season. E.G: “a season of self-discovery for Buck”, describing him getting off that “hamster wheel” of failed relationships. Whether or not you believe that he has achieved that is beside the point; the point is that, the vague quality to them which alluded his storyline going in a particular direction is happening yet again. Ryan has the exact same thing happening now, if not more with the majority of the season’s promo being his moustache. This is pattern recognition if I’ve ever seen it. Truly, due to the sheer amount of promo and interviews there have been, in my mind I don’t see another reason for why this would be, other than Eddie having a large and pivotal storyline this season.

It’s not just “about buddie”. When people pin down a character’s sexuality to purely the ship they’re in, it annoys me because it’s genuinely about the storyline and Eddies character arc. Yes, these headcanons have stemmed from the ship and obviously if they were to go down this route, the ship would most likely be a by-product of this discovery, but it’s not the priority. It may be an end goal, but what about the journey? It’s more than ship wars or trying to one up each other. For me personally, it would be so beneficial to his character to go in this direction. Not even just for his character but for the show and representation in general. What other show on a major network would have a character who’s been on the show for multiple seasons, had relationships with women, a wife, a child, religious traumas, PTSD, grief, catholic guilt and then having a gay awakening in their eighth season? None. How many have had strong platonic male relationships? A lot. Honestly, I don’t interact with those people who whittle down Eddie having a queer realisation or the possibility of Buddie being canon as “erasing platonic male friendships”. I simply don’t buy into that and my reaction towards those people who use that argument is just “Point me towards a show where (the written above happens)” and you can’t. Because it hasn’t happened. Not only that but queer ships in mainstream shows are notorious for “queer-baiting” and not “going canon”. I could name numerous shows where this has happened all to the dismay of a large percentage of the audience. In my experience in fandoms with popular queer ships, (majority mainstream shows with non-explicitly queer characters) I cannot think of a single time where they have been confirmed in canon. To me, this would be a huge step in the right direction for queer media as a whole. Of course, we cannot deny the massive impact that Buck being canonically bisexual last season has had and I commend ABC, the writers and Tim for bringing that to our screens. It was so heartfelt and truly amazing to watch. However, in terms of fandom and popular ships, it’s a little different. I’m in no way disregarding bi Buck, but rather exploring the impact that having a popular queer ship becoming canon would have on other media and the audience in general.

As queer audiences, we are so often let down with the directions that tv shows and film take in regard to their queer-coded characters. It’s become normalised to expect disappointment over seeing a popular pairing actually become “canon” within the text itself.

I’m aware that queer-baiting is definitely different than simply having queer-coded characters, however the two often come hand in hand. There is a misconception, in my opinion that “going woke is going broke”. I think that yes, having queer elements or characters in media definitely effect the reception and reaction, especially online from the general audience. This has happened time and time again and because the negative reaction is so loud, it drowns out any of the positive ones, forcing media companies to pull back in fear of losing money or audience. They want to be seen as “impartial” as a large percentage of audiences are bigoted but by removing any conversation surrounding queer representation in media, it immediately becomes biased and panders towards the people who shout the loudest. Queer people know all too well that on social media, it can be hard to avoid the rampant bigoted views that are shared so violently towards marginalised communities. Companies are so fearful of the backlash towards queer characters, that they won’t even have them at all, regardless of whether it would be classified as “good” or “positive” representation.

In my experience with fandoms with popular queer ships, when the show is still airing there’s this sense of hope that we cling to that it might “turn out different this time” and the character or characters might actually end up canonically queer or together. And every time, it ends the same. And even if they are confirmed queer, the “bury your gays” trope swoops in before it can truly be explored. As a collective, we tend to self-deprecate in order to deal with it but it’s actually quite a damaging thing. It reinforces the idea that queer characters and storylines are not of merit or valued in mainstream media. This turns into a vicious cycle of queer-coded characters staying queer-coded and never becoming canon as that’s how far the media company producing the show is willing to go. They are not willing to take it a step further and explicitly show queer characters having agency and a place in media as this will result in backlash. Additionally, even when we are given queer characters, a lot of the time there is a lack of depth or exploration of their queerness, almost as if it doesn’t exist. For example, Loki’s genderfluidity and bisexuality is canon and confirmed but a large amount of people who were invested in this, were disappointed to see it not having any effect on his storylines at all due to Marvel as a distribution company whose audience, or rather, targeted audience is largely cisgender, straight men. Therefore, queer audiences typically already have an expectation going into a show with a queer ship; it will most likely never happen. I’ve seen first-hand people who actively don’t partake in these shows in order to avoid being disappointed and it hurts me to think that queer people have obtained this way of thinking in regard to media. That we know it’s not going to happen so we either avoid it or watch it with the miniscule hope that something will happen. And even if it does, the show will most likely get cancelled after the first season in the name of “watch hours”, (despite how dedicated or prevalent the fandom may be, dead boy detectives, IANOWT, first kill etc.) once again solidifying the belief that queer characters or stories are not worth the time, money or value that heterosexual ones are. This causes queer media to have a lack of funding and marketing, essentially dooming them to crash and burn. It’s like building a house made of paper and then blaming the weather on its destruction.

So no, I don’t believe that “going woke is going broke” as I have personally indulged in many shows and films due to the sheer prospect that there might be a queer character or couple. Too many times, I’ve binged several seasons of a show (in an alarmingly short amount of time I may add) purely because there is a popular ship/one of the characters might be queer – emphasis on might. It is due to the fear of these media companies that queer shows and film are immediately disadvantaged straight out the gate. However, I do see there has been a change. Obviously, there are many popular queer shows that have been given chances such as Heartstopper and Interview With The Vampire. To me, this clearly shows that queer storylines and characters, showing diversity and marginalised communities does bring audiences and value (as we ourselves know) and it’s purely the skewed bigotry which overtakes the reception and influences the production of media.

Additionally, when bi Buck went canon, the sheer disbelief of queer audiences that it happened at all, to me showed the standards that we’re used to. We’re so used to not having that, that when it does happen, we’re actively surprised by it. Obviously, 9-1-1 in particular has showcased many queer characters before and continues to do so, however this was different as Buck was a previously established character for six seasons and so to have a sexuality arc for someone later in life was definitely a huge moment for bisexual representation in television.

For Eddie, if Tim is doing this storyline, he is right in the approach he’s taken. I’ve talked before about how they weren’t sure whether it was going to be Buck or Eddie having this queer storyline in Season 7… To me that’s basically confirmation of queer Eddie, right? Well, not necessarily “confirmation” but the fact that he was even considered at all for this storyline solidifies his queer-coding to me and that we aren’t all “delusional” for recognising it. I’ve said before but it makes so much sense for Buck to essentially “go first” by having him realise he’s bi and come out in S7 because it was a very different way of doing it, as you would have with Eddie. Buck is very sure of himself as a person and for him it’s something that was always there, but he never realised it and he’s quick to accept it! There’s no tortured Buck struggling with his sexuality (unless of course you count the basketball scene) it’s relatively smooth in the sense that he’s not having a breakdown over it; it’s just his relationship that’s rocky and provides those hurdles. This was refreshing to see as it can often be an expectation that the queer character in the show is negatively affected by their queerness. However, with Eddie, it wouldn’t make sense for him to have that arc in season 7 itself. Partly because it had 10 episodes which would not do it enough justice, and because Eddie already had a lot to unpack. For instance, his whole season 7 storyline was surrounding his deceased wife which was just the start of his journey. Even many seasons later, he is still grappling with the effects of his grief on him and Christopher. Everything is much deeply rooted in him, as is everything in his backstory.

His whole begins episode and all of the backstory we see of him, is him trying to be someone he’s not/who he thinks he should be. He was trying to be a big brother turned parent for his sisters when his parents wouldn’t. He’s trying to be a good father at nineteen, he’s trying to conform to the hegemonic standard of masculinity by marrying Shannon (pressured by the church as she got pregnant young) he enlists because he’s trying to provide for his family even though he doesn’t realise that it’s actually hurting them instead, he’s trying to keep custody of Chris from his parents who only see Chris as a “do-over” for Eddie. Eddie trying his best and get a job to provide for his son. Him doing anything his can for Chris. Shannon coming back, dating her again for Chris - despite the fact that Shannon wanted a divorce (and then died). Eddie dating Chris’ teacher who he loves but Eddie doesn’t. Again, for Chris. He’s always doing things for other people. His parents, Chris, his partners, but never for himself. We’ve seen him spiral before into his fighting arc; that was something he did for himself in a sense, but it was only because he didn’t know how to properly regulate all the pain and grief he was feeling! He’s a single father trying so hard to be the very best he can for everyone around him, to live up to “what it means to be a man” pushing down any emotionally vulnerability until he inevitably snaps. The church, his catholic guilt! This affects him in numerous ways - religious wiring quite literally effects the ways you think about everything and internalise the things that happen to you. Kim was something he did for himself, but it still tied to everything else and his grief. Because of all this, no wonder you wouldn’t be able to fit his gay awakening into a 10-episode season… Eddie requires more time and thought behind what he’s going to have to face and process by himself. For the first time, he is truly alone with his thoughts and is faced with who he is. Outside of his parents, outside of Chris, Shannon, the army, the church, the 118, he is discovering who he truly is, not what anyone else or any institution expects him to be. And this is why, it’s gonna take a lot out of him and is a much different storyline to the one that Buck went through.

Everyone’s sexuality realisation/coming out is different and I really can’t imagine Eddie going through the arc that Buck went through so I think it was a good decision to go with Buck for Season 7. Eddie has so much more to deconstruct and process in order to accept or even just realise his attraction to men, however that plays into his relationship with Buck. And even more so, his lack of attraction to women.

Honourable mention of “I’m broken. I’m broken and I can’t fix it,” being said in his conversation with Kim which is a heavily queer coded statement, as this is a concept that is frequent in the queer community of thinking you’re broken due to your identity. I’d genuinely be surprised if this is not the direction they’re going as there’s so many moments like this with Eddie across the seasons (cough dating feeling like a performance cough) especially this one, which just stand out and heavily resonate with queer audiences. I’d say if they don’t, it’s a huge missed opportunity and character assassination to be honest. I care so deeply about Eddie and he’s such a complex character, it annoyingly makes me mad when people undermine him or pin him down to one thing as if multiple things can’t be true at the same time. I know he’s a fictional character and in reality, it’s not that deep but when people undermine his queer-coding or deny it, it feels like denying a whole group of people’s experiences akin to his.

So, the “emotional reason” behind the moustache in my mind, would definitely link to the idea that Eddie has clung possibly extra hard to his perceived idea of what masculinity is to him/what it’s expected to be. Yes, the style of moustache is engrained in queer culture, but I think that it’s more so an accessory which he’s using to overcompensate for his queerness, (consciously or not). I’m relating this to one of my favourite queer films, Maurice, as in that movie facial hair, specifically moustaches play a significant role in displaying the characters attitudes towards their queerness without explicitly saying them. Maurice and Clive both go through phases of having a moustache, with Maurice first when he is in a period of reluctance towards his sexuality. He’s the more accepting of the two, so it doesn’t last long. However, as Maurice moves out of this phase and begs Clive to stay with him and be together, Clive transitions into that position and denies Maurice’s claims that they could be happy somewhere together. He clings to the traditional ideals of marriage and heterosexuality, as is the norm in 1910’s England, trying to bring an end to the whole affair. Later, when Clive announces he’s engaged to be wed to a woman, he has a moustache and continues to have this moustache for the rest of the film, showing how he’s never going to accept himself for who he is, and is using this to conceal his emotions. The moustache here, represents hiding your true self and repressing your desires, acting as a “mask”. This to me, is very reminiscent of how Eddie appears with his moustache, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up with the same metaphorical reasoning.

In the first episode (the only episode that’s currently out), we saw that Gerrard approves of his moustache, himself being the typical masculine archetype that Eddie may believe himself to be or believes that he should be. Not that Eddie wants to be like Gerrard; of course not, he’s a bigot. It’s that portrayal of masculinity which ties into how he was brought up, and the ideals of the catholic church surrounding gender roles and sexuality. I thought this direct comparison was interesting between them as Eddie is definitely doing this for approval if not from others, but from himself that “this is who he is” when in reality it’s not. In my interpretation, the fact that they’ve specifically mentioned episode six as when he shaves off the moustache and has this physical manifestation of his inner demons, screams to me a queer arc for Eddie. I think there is so much potential for his character and storyline, not just for the ship he’s involved in but for himself and everyone who sees themselves in Eddie.

In conclusion, I really hope they go down this route and if they don’t, once again, it will be a huge, missed opportunity and I wouldn’t be certain where they’d go with his character if not there. This was just a chance for me to get my thoughts out, ahead of the upcoming episodes and I really hope we get to see a positive outcome for his character, whatever route they take.

[ghostinthegallery]

So a thing I’ve noticed about necron books…

I do not think it is controversial to say that Robert Rath and Nate Crowley really defined how a lot of us (especially me) view necrons in modern 40k lore. They did so much heavy lifting to take the faction that was literally just Terminator ripoff (aka Tyranids but worse) and make them into characters.

But they did it in such different and almost contradictory ways. And I think it boils down to this:

Rath's necrons are gods who were once mortal. Crowley's necrons are mortals forced to become gods.

(disclaimer: I don't think one author is "more correct" or whatever. Different characters experience the universe in different ways, embrace a little subjectivity does objective truth even exist?)

Let's start with Crowley. In both Severed and Twice Dead King, memories and bodies are defining features of their narratives. Oltyx can and does revisit his memories at will (not without consequence get your pins out and put em in). He is haunted by disphorakh, this feeling that he should have an organic body but does not and that this disconnect is actually killing him. The flayed ones' whole existence is steeped (literally) in flesh and blood and disphoria.

On the slightly less extreme end, in Severed Obyron remembers the flesh times vividly: the battles, the people, who and what he's lost. They are fighting the manifestation of what Obyron fears becoming: a mindless machine, “severed” from his past experiences. And the ultimate stakes in a Crowley book? Loss of memory. Loss of self. Obyron and Oltyx pay this price throughout their stories, and it eats away at them. Necrodermis makes their physical selves immortal, but their minds? Just as mortal as ever. If not even more so. The people they are were formed in flesh times, and all immortality does is wear away at them as they desperately try to cope.

Robert Rath's necrons? Not so much. Sure, Trazyn and Orikan angst about their loss of memory, but the memories of flesh for them are so distant and unreliable that they could not build their personalities around them even if they wanted to. Trazyn's link to the past is external: objects he has collected. Orikan... what memories he has of his past are fuzzy and in some cases straight up manipulated. That's distressing, but not enough to totally rock his sense of self. That’s a stark contrast to how Crowley’s necrons operate.

We all know the iconic Old Man Fight from Infinite and the Divine. Where Rath describes Trazyn and Orikan fighting and points out how stupid it would be back in the flesh times? Just two nerds hitting each other with canes. Well the flip side of that is that what is actually happening is NOT two nerds slapping each other but two immortals with incomprehensible power battling on a scale mortals cannot process.

Rath’s necrons operate on scales mortals barely understand. Oh, the Greek gods destroyed one city? Troy took em ten years? Trazyn and Orikan wiped out a planet's population by accident. And they are both so divorced from mortality that they don't care. Sheesh, Trazyn is so alienated from the idea of a body that in War in the Museum he informs a woman that he’s filled her up with her own dead sisters organs and I legit believe he thought this would make her feel better.

I adore both approaches! The differences in character and perspective, how they relate to the world and themselves. Yes, it creates contradictions in the lore (like why doesn’t Trazyn lose his shit knowing people like Zahndrekh or Oltyx just…remember necrontyr society perfectly clearly) but I aggressively do not care. I love the varying explorations or power, the nature of the self, the truth that none of these people have survived immortality “in tact.” Those are exactly the things that make necrons my favorite 40k faction. Hell, one of my favorite sci if aliens ever. Because both approaches are haunting and hilarious and poignant and so damn cool.

So…uh…thanks guys. Yeah.

[maxwell-grant]

Question for you from the finale actually. Do you think Oz actually doesn't remember that what happened to his brothers was his fault? Or was he trying to play some sort of game?

Like, his behavior to me makes me think he's buried that day under layers of lies and delusion (him carrying Francis out after she stabbed him doesn't really fit with 'I will let them cut her finger off rather than tell the truth' in my mind) but maybe I'm being overly charitable to Oz?

Yes and Yes.

I don't think carrying Francis to safety after she stabbed him seconds earlier, after being willing to let her be mutilated rather than telling the truth, is at all at odds with everything he's been and done in the rest of the show, that's just the perpetual motion bullshit generator that Oz has instead of a soul hard at work. It wasn't her fault she stabbed him and said all those things, it was her disease acting up, it was that psycho Sofia doing things to her mind, I love my Ma and my Ma loves me and I gotta get Ma to safety cause taking care of her is what I live for, and that's that. If that seems contradictory and hypocritical and weird, it is, and you're thinking like all the other chumps who lost to him because they had use for like, an inner monologue or a conscience or some shit.

Oz can never betray himself, everything he is and does is already built on an infinite procession of lies and delusions to be adapted and rebuilt ad-nauseum (hence the real threat Sofia posed to him in that scene- there was no going back from admitting to what he did to his brothers, Oz cannot break character, not even if everyone knows he's playing one - if he breaks character, he collapses and dies), and in the occasion he does betray himself, he'll spin it as something he had to do or something that was good in the long-term, and then he'll forget he did it. He believes everything he says is true at the moment he says it, up until the moment it isn't.

Did Oswald convince himself that what happened to his brothers wasn't what actually happened and was he deep in denial about it? Yes. Does Oswald know exactly what actually happened and he's spinning lies on top of lies to avoid denying it as strongly as possible? Yes. He knows everything he's doing ("Lies...it's just your disease talking") up until he doesn't. He knows everything he's done ("Sh-She'll never look at me again, all right?...Not till I get this done") up until he doesn't. And so long as it's buried deep down enough, it doesn't matter if it's true or not. And so unless Sofia, who knows the entire sordid story, makes it out of Arkham, the truth of all he did will never actually matter, and so it might as well not exist. It's that simple for him.

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

I am autistic. You would think that would make working in the heavily regulated and rigidly ruled field of being a lab scientist would be a great fit for me because of that. But it turns out it’s actually just infuriating beyond belief. Non-autistic people have no idea how to communicate, and apparently find joy in making everything unclear. I’m well aware of that from conversations and such, but I had foolishly assumed that it would be different for scientific lab work. When someone sends me their request for me to run tests on their experimental drug product, I would expect that they would provide clear details on what they want me to do. This was of course an incorrect assumption. And then when I reach out to them as ask if they could clarify what they mean, I assumed they could, oh I don’t know, tell me what they want me to do?!???!?

Apparently non-autistic people enjoy communicating by sending each other conflicting information and then being unable to answer when asked for clarity. I guess they probably like how when, I guess one of the many options of things I could do that fit their vague “instructions”, they then get the opportunity to tell me how foolish I was for doing it incorrectly. I cannot read minds, especially not ones as apparently labyrinthian as theirs.

And then when they are unable to clarify to me what I need to know via the extremely convenient communication method of text-based messages, they decide we need to schedule a meeting to “discuss”. Great. Now my entire day’s schedule is ruined. And now I have to meet with these people so they can be unclear on what they want verbally and we have to repeat ourselves at each other for an hour until I can somehow convince them to tell me what they fucking want. And then hope that I can actually process the sound properly and keep it in my memory in the time between it entering my ears and my pen moving on the page, because there’s no goddamn record of a conversation I can reference later and if I get a detail wrong I have to start the process all over again when I realize something is unclear.

And if I get an actual answer to the question, I will of course ask if they can verify that is what they meant, a simple yes or other word of affirmation to tell me that they did not misspeak or mistype or just to reassure me in some way that they wont have an excuse to change their mind later and say I interpreted it wrong. This seems like the most simple and reasonable request, but they really don’t seem to like it. I simply repeat what they said, and ask if that is correct, and for some of them that’s apparently a sin. I ask “oh that’s what you want me to do? Can we do that?” And expect a “yes” in response, instead they tell me to see the message I’m asking for their affirmation on. That’s not a yes! That’s not an answer to my question! I now have to go on with uncertainty in my feeble human mind because it’s apparently way too fucking hard to say yes. Fuck off

I need the whole world to be autistic. I’d rather endure 1 million heated debates over which way is the optimal way to format something argued by people who are so stubbornly stuck in their ways that the heat death of the universe will happen before they cede their ground, than have to deal with these non-autistics and their guessing games for the rest of my life. I can’t fucking do this shit. Why are you even requesting testing from me if you don’t even know what you want tested and how, why are you like this?!?????

[brokenmachinemusings]

so. what’s up with diving?

a lot of people tend to think that diving is some paradoxical thing which has happened but also hasn’t at the same time.

i’m here to say; no it isn’t. all dives did not happen originally, and alter the course of time later.

there are plenty of other posts who go into more detail than mine will, and they mostly focus on season two.

i’m here to focus a bit more on s1. not in detail, just pointing some things out before i go completely batshit. and some thoughts. actually, mostly thoughts.

well, in short, diving never actually happened before the aforementioned dive, which in turn — not always, but usually alters the timeline. sometimes the changes are so minimal it’s barely consequential — sometimes they’re so important they kill someone, get someone stabbed, or save them. obviously, the butterfly effect.

i really do wish i could go in depth in this post outside of my simple disorganized thought processes but i don’t have the time or energy for that. alas, physical as well as mental illness and busy schedules strike again.

studio lan also likes to play around with these concepts. maybe to throw us off, maybe to hint towards the bigger picture, who knows.

well. that’s not what this post is about. i just wanted to point out some examples. which are, here, as goes;

while rewatching, i’m still on ep1, but the most obvious thing is emma upsetting the cup. hers is more of an accident, obviously just spilling over the table.

cheng xiaoshi WHACKS that cup. while it might be for comedic effect, i see quite literally no one pointing this out — and it spins around and hits mr. zhu’s head. and then falls on his pants, which is the timeline reorienting itself.

the next example is have, which is on top of my head, is one that really baffles my mind how i don’t see anyone speaking about xu shanshan more. while lu guang watches the photo, she’s giggly about the message she receives and we all know it cuts off right before liu min enters her apartment — well, that’s not important, but i did want to point out how she’s giddy.

cheng xiaoshi simply solemnly stares into her phone as he reads dong yi’s message. which might be a whole can of worms to unpack later, but either way, it always struck me as kind of odd.

we don’t have concrete evidence that xu shanshan was murdered — but in my personal theory, she was in the original show’s timeline (not the og tl itself), before cheng xiaoshi managed to overwrite it. from her being depicted as a victim once, to cheng xiaoshi’s plan — i doubt li tianchen or liu min cared enough about her to actually have to go through with it.

anyway, i do think cheng xiaoshi’s plan practically worked, especially since li tianchen managed to go “oh shit, there’s people with my type of power, i must see this,” and actually left her alone.

i do think some kind of “alternative timeline” was mentioned, but that’s kind of evading my memory right now. i’ll get back in on you in the next 100 business days. maybe more or less.

well, i completely forgot to mention xss being mentioned in the newspaper after cheng xiaoshi’s whole meddling which ended up with her turning into a victim — again, kinda steering the timeline. and again, another butterfly effect, considering that turns into xu shanshan dying having to make a plan to avoid her death, catching liu min, lu guang getting stabbed, the li twins, all of s2. which is to say, this is heavily hinted at for not happening in the timelines prior which lu guang had experienced.

ah, speaking of lu guang. sweet boy lu guang. who’s from the future, and considering the timeline being rewritten, he cannot return to the future. this is also implied, or could be a plot hole. considering every time li tianchen touches cheng xiaoshi while the latter is possessing someone, he gets forced out of said body, to the present — as for lu guang, he fully stays there, in the past which isn’t the past, more like a new present or future. with all of his plans intact. sucks that the future he’s aiming for isn’t changing, though.

there’s also the mess which is s2ep8-9. you know, the speedboat episodes. it isn’t quite obvious at first, but lu guang is lu guang the first time. and well, he wasn’t expecting anyone to know his password either. he likely just stashed the phone away for safekeeping, for his own dive, but then the cops found it and cheng xiaoshi decided to dive in — it’s a bit of a mystery on how cheng xiaoshi knew exactly what to do as well. since he was likely very disoriented the first time he was brung out of his possession by li tianchen. well, i’m not one to really delve into this, again there’s other people who have in far more detail than i.

i mean, yes, time nodes are a thing and the timeline reorients itself however it needs to be. no matter how much of change might take place, how out of hand it can get. but it has this margin of error as well. it’s quite odd, really, i can’t quite describe it either.

there’s some kind of mindfuck theory about time not actually being time but i won’t get into that. i don’t remember what it said. but shoutout to you, other theorists.

in short, i don’t think i made this clear due to my incessant rambling; diving always alters the timeline. even if only little deviations happen, it always alters what it was originally supposed to be. and it only happens once, unless you count lu guang diving into himself multiple times… but that isn’t as clear, considering like i said, the future changes — which is stated in the donghua itself, but it changes and he theoretically dives into a different version of himself. theoretically.

well, whatever the case, thanks for reading. hope this makes sense — kind of at least, if you’re interested on my thoughts on anything let me know. or if i forgot to cover some part in more detail.

happy 0913, hope everyone survived well today. i, and cheng xiaoshi, sure didn’t!

[mondothebombo]

Mondo 👉👈 could you explain all the ways you connect the song Home to Wytyaa?…. Like Important Lyrics. I have been listening to it a lot and I need to know for reasons. :)

oli you have no idea how long i’ve been waiting for someone to ask this. all the lyrics are technically important, and i may or may not have storyboarded scenes to this song in my head lmaooo. i’ve been wanting to talk abt this for SO FUCKING LONG so here we go!!!

Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess

This avoids the stress of falling out of it

jay doubting whether nya actually wants to be with him or if she’s just pitying him, when he wakes up from passing out in chap 6

Are you tired of me yet?

I'm a little sick right now but I swear

When I'm ready I will fly us out of here

this is jay noticing the others are getting worried and him sitting with all his bad thoughts, also as him talking to nya, kinda like “once i get my shit together and get over this, i’ll make things better”

I'll cut my hair

To make you stare

jay and nya both subtly subconsciously changing their appearances to separate themselves from what happened

I'll hide my chest

And I'll figure out a way to get us out of here

jay hiding his scars and trying to ignore everything for nya’s sake, intending to keep his promise of fixing his mistakes

Turn off your porcelain face

jays facade dropping and the others getting progressively more worried

I can't really think right now in this place

cole confronting jay abt his scars and jay getting overstimulated he lashes out

There's too many colors enough to drive all of us insane

jay freaking out when he gets high from the pain meds and yelling at kai for touching him the day after alec breaks his wrist

Are you dead?

jay seeing nya’s dead body when he looks at her

Sometimes I think I'm dead

jay/nya feeling the phantom pains

'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head

jay hearing nadakhan’s and the pirates voices in his head

But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet

jay having that dream

My eyes went dark

nya finding out abt the SA

I don't know where

My pupils are

jay looking in the mirror and hating his eye/scars

But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here

again, jay trying to be ok for nya

Get a load of this monster

He doesn't know how to communicate

this is most definitely jay thinking his friends hate him while he’s alone on the ship

His mind is in a different place

jay spacing out during scrap n tap, thinking of how the others see him

Will everybody please give him a little bit of space

transition back to him training with lloyd the day after he resets time and freaking out, accidentally hurting lloyd in the process

Get a load of this train-wreck

His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet

this is him stuck in the memories and believing everything nadakhan and the pirates said abt him, hallucinating and seeing nadakhan at random times

But little do we know, the stars

Welcome him with open arms

slowly fades to the present, where the others keep trying to prove they love him

Time is

nya and jay having the conversation where she talks abt the extent of her trauma

Slowly

jay and nya laughing together while lightly training in the middle of the night

Tracing his face

their talk w wu when he says he’s proud of them

But strangely he feels at home in this place

and finally, the last scene of chapter 7, where jay and nya come and sit with the others after their talk w wu, and jay finally cries with relief as he cuddles w the others

i hope i explained this well enough, please feel free to ask me if anything needs clarification :D

[lokisprettygirl]

Under his influence (Post Avengers! Loki x female reader)

Read chapter 24 here //Series Masterlist

Chapter 25

Summary : Your lives turns upside down again when it's revealed why you were never supposed to meet Loki in this timeline.

Warning: 18+, HUGE Canon divergence(Just me making shit up) This is a long chapter, 6k words, Gets very sad, mention of stalking, mention of psychological torture, angst, insecurities, ptsd, self deprecating behaviour, panic attack, soft precious bean loki,

"Carbon monoxide poisoning symptoms" you typed the term in your phone to see if hallucinations were one of the symptoms but it wasn't the case. "Schizophrenia symptoms" as you mumbled in your mouth you heard Stephen- no wait, a weird looking Stephen in a costume clearing his throat so you looked at him. He wasn't real, the other Loki wasn't real either, none of this was happening and you were just sick or something.

"You are a neurosurgeon right? Hallucinations are the symptom of Schizophrenia huh?" You asked him so he rolled his eyes, you were sitting on the sofa while those two were standing in front of the tv.

"I cannot believe this, why is she annoying in every fucking universe? Every bloody timeline she's the same" you gasped as Stephen said that.

"Mind your language that is my wife you are addressing such audaciously"

"This one is not your wife, and I'm talking about my ex wife"

"Ex for a reason, you will show her respect from this moment onwards you hear me?" Other Loki raised his voice so weird as fuck Strange groaned and then they both looked at you, you had called Loki, your Loki, but his number was unavailable, you sent him a message and you were hoping he'd be there as soon as possible.

"Did you say wife?" You asked Other Loki so he sighed.

"Well.." he walked towards you so you crouched against the sofa and that immediately made him halt in his step.

"Don't be afraid my dear, I will never hurt you" his brows furrowed and the gesture immediately made you feel calm but then you started to cry because you felt absolutely crazy. What was all of this about? What was happening?

"Please don't cry, i know I am.." he sighed and took a deep breath so you looked at him "I am not the Loki you love, and my y/n she is ..at home waiting for me and I need to return to her as soon as I can, she worries so much" his voice sounded sincere, he seemed just like your Loki but how was that even possible? His y/n? Who was she?

"I just feel that I'm going crazy, what is happening?" You sniffled again so he sat down on the sofa but he was careful to maintain a respectable distance.

"You are not crazy, I know this seems as if you're losing your mind but trust me y/n this is all real" he said softly

"Who are you guys?" You glared at both of them.

"I am Loki, this is Doctor Stephen Strange, we came here from another timeline for a crucial discussion" he told you so you tried to process his words. Loki wasn't wrong, those dreams weren't just dreams afterall.

"Another timeline?" Your eyes widened at the revelation,

"Yes, there are multiple universes y/n" you rubbed your head with your forefingers as you tried to process what did this even mean for you and Loki? Why were they here?

"You said you are here for a discussion? What discussion? And why on earth he's dressed that way?" Stephen rolled his eyes as you glared at him again.

"Where is your Loki?" Stephen asked you

"He's on a mission"

"Mission?" Other Loki questioned, his voice sounded curious,

"He's an Avenger "

Other Loki chuckled as you said that.

"They really did make me an Avenger?" you nodded and you noticed his eyes softening.

"Are you guys from other universe or something, Loki said something about other realities and i didn't believe him" you mumbled nervously.

"Yes, actually no, but it is an exceptionally complicated matter"

When Loki found your message he immediately asked Thor to drop him to your apartment. You ran into his arms as soon as he came, but unlike you he didn't seem as shocked with their presence. At first he thought they were Thano's mules but when they revealed the same thing they told you he had an inkling, he knew those dreams were not just coincidences.

"What is happening lo?" He kissed your forehead and hugged you again as you asked him that.

"I don't know darling but let us find that alright?" You nodded as he said that.

He looked at his own reflection as his eyes met with Other Loki.

"What happened to us?" Other Loki smiled and looked down as your Loki questioned him. He sighed and looked at Stephen before he spoke again.

"Well in my timeline we never picked the tesseract, never ended up in here like you did"

"They took me to asgard, what happened to me there?"

"I am afraid I cannot divulge any more information than that"

"Then why are you both here?" Loki asked him.

"You all are wasting my precious time"

All of you glared at Strange collectively as he said that

"Did I really marry you?" You crossed your arms as you questioned him.

"Unfortunately yes, we both made some awfully wrong decisions "

"I don't understand our first meeting was horrible..I was late, you were so rude to me"

"Not in my timeline..you were never late in my timeline, why were you late in this one? What were you doing? Do you remember?" Ofcourse you remembered, you were talking to Loki and had lost the track of time. Oh god.

Your eyes widened at the realisation.

"Ohh God I was late because I was talking to you" you looked at Loki and his eyes teared up.

"Exactly and you two weren't together at the time, hadn't even met, so you were never late for the meeting. It wasn't anything special but it wasn't a disaster either and you agreed with everything I had to say about the battle of New York and Loki" Stephen said so you looked at your Loki.

"You hated me, in our timeline when you met Strange you had no reason to defend me because you didn't even know me at the time because we hadn't even met yet" your eyes teared up as Other loki said that.

"Then you got into the accident and I had to take care of you and then you were stalked by that Ronald guy..the friendship between us grew and that led to a forced loveless marriage" Strange said and all of a sudden it made sense, you had no hope of finding true love so you must have compromised or succumbed to the pressure of your mother.

"Ofcourse it was loveless..how did you become this?" You gestured towards his attire.

"I can not tell you anything more then you need to know"

"Why are you two here then?" Loki asked them both so they looked at each other.

"To warn you of the danger that is ahead of us" Stephen said

"Thanos?" Loki asked

"No apparently as I have come to learn he will die a brutal death and his blood will be on our hands. He's no threat to us in my timeline, someone much more diabolical will emerge, much more powerful than Thanos or any other entity" Other Loki responded.

"Someone more powerful than Thanos?" Loki looked at him confused.

"Yes"

"Who is that??" You asked him

"You"

Your eyes widened as other Loki said that, at first you thought he meant you but he was looking behind you, he was looking at Loki.

"What do you mean?" You asked him.

"In this timeline you and the Avengers sure defeated the army of Thanos but it came with a huge sacrifice, they took her and she sacrificed her life for you" Stephen answered instead,

"Nooo–" Loki whispered as he took a step back so you grabbed onto his arms. He can't even imagine losing you, he had vowed to protect you.

"That is true," Other loki whispered.

"Her demise drove you to the ruins, the long pointless life felt like a curse and you knew you won't survive without her and without her by your side no one was there to bring you back from the edge of the insanity" you looked at Loki and for some reason he didn't seem surprised by the revelation.

"What did i do then?" His eyes remained firm as he asked that.

"You threw yourself into the art of dark magic and you summoned the goddess of death, she granted you a wish, she told you that she will resurrect the one person you so badly needed to be alive again but she needed several sacrifices" Other Loki said to him.

"Sacrifices?"

"In order to bring your y/n back to life she needed the souls of every variant of her that exists in every other universe out there"

Stephen said and you shook your head at the revelation. No he would never hurt you, not in any universe, that wasn't possible.

"You will kill my y/n" Other Loki's voice trembled as he spoke

"I would never do that, i would never hurt her" Loki's voice choked on his tears as he spoke,

"But you did, you killed all those other variants of her from multiple universes that exists and you got them all Loki because nobody could defeat you, not one single entity in the universe held powers that excelled or even matched yours.. every time you killed one of her variant and her Lokis who were there to defend her, their powers were absorbed within you and that only made you stronger. When Frigga our mother, tried to stop this madness you killed her first, then you killed Odin and then our brother Thor, and anyone who came in between you and your quest to resurrect your y/n, you got rid of them all with no qualms or remorse. Everytime you hurt someone you lost a fraction of your soul Loki"

"Did I find her again? Did I find my y/n?" Loki asked Other Loki and you felt his hand in yours

"Yes you did find her again but when she realised what you had done to get her back she couldn't live with that truth, she left the man she loved the most, she died for you but she came back to a monster that she knew she'll never able to love again, a monster she didn't even recognise"

"He'd never do that, he'd never hurt anyone like that..he'd not kill innocent people just to get me back " you defended him because you couldn't believe your Loki was capable of such monstrosity.

"I will" you looked at him shocked as he said that "I have known madness y/n and i have lived it, you're the only one to bring a semblance of normalcy in my life, losing you would kill me and I am afraid I'll die the day you will"

"Nooo loki..no" you hugged him tightly and he wrapped his arms around yours. The Other Loki stepped closer to you both, it was strange for him to be able to see his other self this way.

He really did love you madly in every universe.

"Is there a way to prevent her death?" Your Loki asked Doctor Strange. You both just wanted to get things back to how they were. You just wanted to love him and be loved by him. Why had your life turned upside down again?

"No, your presence is an anomaly Loki, that is why I am here, you weren't supposed to exist, your future self is standing right in front of you" Loki looked at his Other self and the other one nodded..

"That's how it was meant to happen but by choosing to pick the tesseract you have caused a diversion in the timeline, this other Loki is you, he's not from other universe, he's from your earth, he is you Loki" You looked at them shocked as Stephen revealed that. The Other Loki wasn't from other universe he was the Loki you had seen in your dreams once.

"So what does that mean? Are you telling me the lives we have been living here, none of this was ever meant to exist?" You asked Stephen, your heartbeat sped at the thought of having this life being taken away from you.

"None of this was meant to happen, it's a diversion that will cause the multiversal war and you know who is going to impose that war? You. This version of you, saddened by the unbearable grief you will lose your way again Loki, there will be no redemption this time"

"Go away, both of you, this discussion is over" Loki glared at both of them so the Other Loki walked towards you.

"Y/n i know it's going to be difficult but we will be together someday, i already have you in the future but for us to live together forever this timeline will have to be erased"

"Nooo you're not my Loki..he is"

"I am..we are the same darling" your eyes teared up as he said that.

"What does this even mean for us?" Loki asked Stephen.

"There's a ritual to fix the timeline, Loki will have to return to Asgard the way it was intended for him"

"No no noooo" you collapsed on your knees as strange said that so your loki immediately went down on his knees and hugged you tightly. This life felt too good to be true, now you knew why. It wasn't even real, it wasn't supposed to happen. Just when you had begun to love the life you were given, it was going to be taken away from you.

"There must be another way" Loki said, his eyes brimming with hope that you knew will never come.

"No there's not Loki, there's no other way" Stephen answered

"This is our life now and I'm not willing to throw it away and why should I even believe you, maybe you both are just lying to us for your own selfish gains"

Other Loki sighed as Loki said that.

"Frustrating isn't it?" Stephen scoffed at Loki's stubbornness.

"What about the past, we met at the fair, where are those two?" You asked them

"That never happened y/n because you were always destined to meet me at that party..the meeting at the fair was never supposed to happen and this few months that you have spent with each other were definitely never meant for us, it's merely a diversion"

"But I can't let go, so many memories and we love each other so much" you cried out and Loki was barely holding onto his own tears.

"We do and we will love each other more than anything" Other Loki said but you clutched onto yours as tightly as you could.

You cried, he cried and it never seemed to cease, you weren't ready to let go of this life, you weren't ready to accept that this was never meant to be yours. You knew you both had to make a decision, a cruel decision, a huge sacrifice just so your other selves will be safe from your Loki but you didn't think you'd ever be ready to let go of the love you have shared with him in the past few months. When the headache set in and the tears stopped coming you got up and went to the kitchen to make tea for everyone.

"So will we really get married in the future?" You asked the Other loki as he had followed you in the kitchen but you had your eyes on your own sweet baby who was discussing something with Stephen Strange. He wanted to know everything before the ritual tomorrow.

"In six months of meeting each other" your eyes flickered as he said that.

"How did that happen, in our timeline we have broken up twice already"

"Hmmm that must have been heartbreaking darling" you looked at him as he used the petname.

"It was"

"Well i can not tell you what will happen to us in the future, though the ritual will erase everything that has happened in this timeline, it's still a risk to divulge that information"

"You have no idea how hard it is..look at him, you have no idea how cruel it is for you two to ask us to give this all up" you but on your cheek to stop yourself from crying again but just the thought of what you two had to do was enough to break you.

"I do, i absolutely understand what you are going through, you want to know why?" He asked you as you wiped your tears.

"Because I'm giving up my memories too, it won't happen the same way that it did before, maybe things will change, I'm risking it all for us because I cannot sit idly by and wait for our eternal doom, I can't lose you forever, this way at least there will always be hope for us and deep down i know that i will find you sweet y/n, I will always find you, we will find each other i promise"

Your eyes teared up as he said that.

He was your loki. He was the same man you were in love with, just a few years older and perhaps wiser.

"Ummm am I the same as your y/n ?"

"Mmm yes but mine is very naughty"

"You have no idea how naughty I am"

"Trust me I do" you smiled as he said that. He grabbed the two tea cups as you both stepped out of the kitchenette.

"Does Frigga hates me in the future as well?" You asked the Other Loki and Loki looked at his other self as well for an answer. His eyes were teary and you didn't understand why.

"She never hated you y/n, she just knew the reality of your existence, she just wanted to seperate you both for the greater good" Stephen answered you.

"Ohhhh"

"How's the relationship between us and Thor?" Loki questioned his other self.

"It's not the worst"

"So that's it, you'll do some magic stuff and both of us will go back to our shitty lives where we didn't know each other?" You scoffed and crossed your arms together as you glared at Stephen.

"It does seem horrifying when you put it that way"

"I need to know more about the multiverse" Loki asked Stephen.

"Nothing to know really, there are multiple universes that is similar to ours"

"So in every universe there's a Loki and y/n?" You asked Stephen and Other loki answered instead.

"Yes, in one of them we meet at a grocery store" you smiled as he said that "That is cute"

"And in another one, we trick her into releasing us from a cell in the Avengers towers" Other Loki smiled as he said that.

"Ahhh y/n you are definitely lucky you're not living that version of yourself" Stephen said and it made you curious.

"Why?"

"Just count your blessings.. that's it, she has literally been through hell on earth"

"What else is out there, what versions of us?" Loki asked Stephen.

"Well there are several yous out there, you're a wrestler, a doctor, a bodyguard even-infact that is one of the few rare versions of you that is a mortal, in one universe you actually get cursed by a witch and go on doing some Phantom of the Opera shit, and oh in several of your realities you are pretty much yourself, the God Loki as you were destined to be" Stephen chuckled as he revealed the information. How was he sane after having so much of information in his head?

"But we find her everywhere, in every universe we find a version of her that is meant for us for life"

Loki looked at you as Other Loki said that "If you are worrying that we are going to lose her then it's simply just untrue, it will take much longer to find her perhaps but once we do we will never lose her again. However that will only happen if this timeline is reversed to the day when you had picked the tesseract because this life that you are living right now is going to end every one of us in every other universe" Loki nodded as Other Loki said that.

"We need some time to think" you told them so they collectively sighed again. Maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and all of this would be nothing but a nightmare, you hoped for that because you couldn't imagine a life where he never ended up in your apartment that day, you couldn't imagine not having him live with you for those two months, you couldn't bear the thought of losing your friendship that had brewed so delicately in those times.

You couldn't imagine not falling in love with him the way you did.

You also couldn't imagine losing Thor's brotherly care or Jane's friendship, you couldn't bear the thought of losing your mother's affection again or marrying Strange, that was the worst of all.

As they left, Loki picked you up and laid you down on the bed then he snuggled into you as he usually did, your fingers caressed his scalp softly and then you heard him crying, that made you cry even harder.

"Loki what are we going to do..I don't want to let go of our life here"

He cupped your cheeks and got on top of you as you said that, you felt his lips on yours as he kissed you tenderly.

"Neither do I darling but I can't live without you either and knowing that someday I will lose you to death in this life and will go on a killing rampage is something to think about isn't it?" He laid down next to you so you wrapped your arms around him.

You wanted to tell him to move on, to find someone else but then you put yourself in his shoes and realised how hard it was, just a few months and it was unbearable to stay away from him so you couldn't imagine his plight when you'd leave him after years of togetherness. He'd go insane and you won't be there to bring him back to you.

"Do you think ..do you think those other Lokis and me in different universes, do you think they love each other as much as we do?" He smiled as you said that.

"Perhaps they do, if they're anything like us, they must be madly in love with each other and I will take it away, i will ruin their paradise, I will become the monster that has always been there in me" his eyes welled up again so you kissed him again.

"You're not a monster Loki and you could never be, you're the noblest man there ever was or will be, no other man would have agreed to fix this the way you did, you deserved to be selfish this time but I know you'd never want to hurt anyone like that" he pulled you into his arms as you said that, his sweet princess always believed in him, no wonder he went crazy in this timeline and crossed all the limits just to have you back.

"Can't we just prevent me from dying here?" You asked him as you caressed his cheek with your fingers.

"If the sorcerer supreme believes that it is impossible to prevent your death then I'm inclined to believe him"

"Why?"

"He's the sole protector of time stone darling, he sees it all, every outcome, every possibility, every reality"

You both knew you had to do this, you knew this was the right thing to do but losing these memories with him was killing you, more so as you knew you won't even get a chance to grieve the loss. Because you won't even remember this time, this life will be erased in a flash as if it never existed, but you had to do this now, the longer you halt the process the more painful it will get.

You spend the night making love to him because you didn't want to waste a second of your time with him even though the time itself made no sense to you anymore, you were living a life not meant or written for you.

"Hey mom" you smiled as you called her the next morning, you had already been to the tower to meet Jane and Thor, their realities will change too. You never even thought about that but at least they won't even know or suffer the way you both were suffering and your gut told you that they will find each other as well.

"I just wanted to tell you that I love you and that I'll be okay" you mumbled but your voice choked up.

"Y/n what's going on" you noticed the worry in her voice.

"Nothing I just miss you"

"Well I'm seeing you next month" your eyes teared up more as she said that.

"Yeah.. okay mom i have to go now I'll talk to you later" when you hung up you both went to see Mrs Geller, you didn't say anything but just hugged her as tightly as you could before you came back to the apartment again and you both sat down on the couch. You had the knife he had gifted you as well as the blanket.

"I just realised that you gave me such nice gifts but i never gave you anything" you mumbled softly so he smiled,

"My princess you have given me everything..you don't even know what you have done for me" you hugged him tightly as he said that and then you cried some more.

When Strange arrived, this time Loki wasn't with him, you figured he was spending his last moments with the future you before his reality will shift again.

"Just remember, both of you will be sent to right where you were that day when Loki had picked the tesseract, there's 99.99 percent chance that none of you will remember this" you and Loki looked at each other as he said that.

"So there's a 0.1 percent chance that we will?" He asked Stephen. You knew you weren't that lucky, if you were actually that lucky none of this would have been happening in the first place.

"Even if somehow that does happen, just don't say anything to anyone" Strange warned you both.

"What will happen if we do?" You asked him.

"You can not tell anyone about this, just remember that"

"So whatever decisions we make in that timeline will be our future, am i correct? There will be no more diversions right" you said

"Yes, now don't say anything during the ritual, i wouldn't want to lose my concentration" Stephen told you so you scoffed.

"Are you an asshole in every universe?

He didn't respond but rolled his eyes instead. You kissed Loki one more time before Strange commenced the ritual and all the memories you had made with him came to the surface of your mind.

"What I'm saying is that our paths were meant to collide, perhaps you were born to become mine someday precious y/n"

"You are my only woman my darling, you're my best friend and you're the only person I see whenever I close my eyes and envision the future that is ahead of us, my only fear is that you will not be there with me and I would go to any length to prevent that from happening"

"I love you and just so you know, nothing will ever ruin our friendship, you will always be my best friend in the whole nine realms and I be yours"

"Godd i would die for you…I love you so much"

"And i will kill for you my princess"

You squeezed his hands tightly as your eyes welled up, you could just feel the memories slipping by you more and more.

"So we just, ummm, go back to being friends who kiss sometimes and do other stuff, you are going to be all mine and I..well we will be patient with each other as we figure out how we are going to deal with these problems that we have and we won't leave each other no matter what happens okay?"

"I love you Princess, I have never nor will I ever love again so deeply the way I love you"

"I can't stop obsessing over the moments we have spent with each other, I can't stop thinking that I'd never get to kiss you again and I haven't slept in a month because all I think of as soon as I hit the bed is you. I stay awake all night just wishing for you to hold me again"

"Ten years from now I don't want to look back at my life and regret losing a precious person like you, ten years down the line I still want to have you by my side"

"I want to run to you and touch you whenever I want. I want to see you smile and hear your laughter, watch you dance and kiss you until our souls are intertwined with each other. I want to snuggle with you after making love to you but I can't do any of those things if you are not even here. If you're dead because of me. I'd never ever move on from that, just the mere thought of living in a world where I can't find you and look at your precious face terrifies me to my very being"

"I love you lo, I know I do, for once in my life i know that I am in love and i love you.. so much and it scares me because I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love again with someone who is not you, I always dreamt of a man like you and I found you, it's nothing less than a miracle for me"

"Perhaps i was searching for the heat myself, all I had to do was find you..right place at the right time"

"My love, no matter where in the world we are, eventually we will cross each other's path in one way or another and we will do so when our timing is aligned perfectly, a moment so absolute where we would be eager and desperate to fall so deeply in love with each other..just like this, you were made for me darling and I'll find you anywhere, anytime..i promise "

"I love being your friend"

"Okay..ummm so..we can be friends who kiss sometimes and they cuddle"

"And friends who don't see other people"

"If you ever find yourself trapped by the twisted paths of uncertainties, remember that you can always cut through and make a new one"

"Maybe my perception of love has been skewed because of those romantic movies but I have never felt that intense type of love in my life..like ever. Never felt the chemistry..that bubbling scorching heat

"Any man would be fortunate to have a woman like you, but you do not deserve just any other man..you deserve the noblest of them all.. perhaps the reason you haven't found one yet "

"You're very kind my lady, thank you, i won't disappoint you i promise"

"Wash your hair..you look like a pine tree"

You felt a sharp pain in your head and everything spinned around you both.

"Okay come soon, I love you pretty boy"

See you soon my beloved..never forget that I love you"

..........................

"Y/n? Y/n? Are you listening" your mom raised her voice so you placed your hand on the door in order to brace yourself. You felt dizzy. You felt nauseous and sick. You had just came back from work, you stared at your apartment door for a minute before you stepped inside.

"Yes mom I'm here" your apartment was empty, too empty.

"God that Asgardian terrorist Loki is shameless, he got no remorse, he's refusing to leave our planet" She rambled on so you hummed in response.

"Mom I just got home..I'll talk to you later okay? I am hungry so I'm going to eat" You looked at yourself in the mirror, you had a white shirt on with a blue jeans. You immediately walked towards the tv, turned it on and then you put the news channel on,

"Breaking news, The war criminal responsible for the battle of New York, the Asgardian terrorist Loki has apparently refused to return to Asgard along with his brother" The screen changed and you saw the media hoarding outside the Avengers tower. And then you saw him begging Thor to not take him back, Thor definitely seemed confused by the sudden change in his behavior, as Loki charged towards the people in the media, they all took a step back in fear.

"Please don't be afraid..I am not going to hurt anyone" the fear in his own voice made your eyes tear up.

"What the hell is wrong with you brother?" Thor grabbed Loki by the arm and you noticed tears in his eyes.

"I need to stay…i need to stay here" he mumbled over and over again, men in black suits then came forward to take him inside but he looked at all the cameras he could spot before they can drag him away.

"I remember, i remember, I need to stay please, i remember, i remember everything"

You took a few steps behind you until you hit the sofa and then you sat down.You let out a huge cry as you realised what that meant. The crying was bittersweet because you had spent the day feeling sicker then ever.

He remembered. And you felt lucky because you sure as hell remembered him.

😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶

Note : Pheeww this is the most difficulty I have ever had while writing a chapter. Their story is not finished yet though 👀😏💚

Also little easter eggs for the people who have read my other stories 🥹

@annoyingsweetsstranger @mcufan72 @nixymarvelkins @stupidthoughtsinwriting @fictive-sl0th @eleniblue @violethaze @anukulee @ladymischief11 @12-pm-510 @wolfsmom1 @whylokiissocute @pics-and-fanfics @daddylokisqueen @olivertwistrabbit @blog-the-lilly @prettylittlepluviophile @vanilla-daydreaming @somewiseguy @yaaamadaa-blog @dragonmurray @elthreetimes @gruftiela @thenotoriouserg @greep215 @yallgotkik @obscureenigmatic @janineb86 @sflame15-blog @nyxlaufeyson @lokidokieokie @purplekitten30 @sunnixart @nikkig496-blog @frozenhuntress67 @qardasngan @rosecentury @lokiswife-dark-fox-queen @hrefna-the-raven @jennyggggrrr

[the-obnoxious-sibling]

brilliant minds locked-in syndrome guy episode let’s gooo

it may be fandom-brained of me to think it, but the first roman flashback had me thinking “are these guys about to fight or kiss?”

i was wondering how they were gonna get this patient’s consent to be involved in the study, given the givens—gotta say, i’m impressed with how close to my real-world experience of the consenting process it went!

another bit of real-world accuracy: the hospital administrator more excited about the study bringing attention & funding to the institution than what it’ll do for the patient 🙃

really enjoyed the palliative decision-making discussion. some investor may see it as a waste of a surgery, but ericka was absolutely right that the patient’s autonomy a) was the point of the surgery b) needs to be respected. ignoring his wishes would make the surgery a waste.

oh shit, my first thought was right? 🥺 on one hand, tragic foreign gay can feel overplayed—yes, we know, it’s not safe to be queer in many places—but this is a kind, queer show, i want to believe they can do this earnestly and sympathetically.

wolf with tears in his eyes seeing them reunite??? 🥺🥹🥺 i love him

aw, wolf. you gotta respect his wishes, man!

“you saw me when no one else did. which is ironic, because they tell me you can’t see faces. and because it seems like you don’t see me at all anymore.” he’s seeing the gay happy ending, he’s seeing love and hope, and—forgetting that there are other considerations.

carol and nichols reemphasizing the point ericka made earlier makes me pretty sure i know how this episode ends. wolf be professional! you can cry in private about it later!

(show interrupted by an ad for an aldis hodge-led crime show? also starring isaiah mustafa?? a shame it’s based on patterson novels, i don’t really enjoy his style.)

augh, dying with dignity, dying at home—i get it, but wolf deciding to make this happen at his home is very… wolf of him.

jacob! you can’t just ask a man whether he’s ever let anyone into his heart! that’s rude!!

ROMAN SHIPS WOLFNICHOLS??? W H A T

(also: “carol’s not actually that tall she’s just obsessed with high heels” lmao wolf, stop being so funny so fast, i almost missed this one)

not the star map on the ceiling because alex and roman bonded over astronomy 😭😭😭

“my favorites, vega and altair” oh my god, wolf is an unbelievable hopeless romantic

not wolf literally telling the tanabata story, I Cannot

(well, the chinese version, idk that one’s name. google says qixi?)

not higher love!!! i’m gonna c r y

ugh okay, researcher not being informed that their patient is dead is shitty and against protocol (that’s a reportable event even when it’s unrelated to the study device) but this guy having zero concern for the patient in the face of ~proving the value of the work to his investors~ is shittier.

like, have alex say something to the investors if you need good pr. how he spent months in nyc with no idea where roman was or what happened to him, and within a week of getting the chip the team was able to find him, and let them say goodbye. there’s a sob story that’ll make them feel good about how they spent their money!

likewise i see where his mom’s coming from but she cannot keep combining talking to wolf as her employee and talking to him as her son. it’s unprofessional, yeah, and it also makes things so messy. she can’t be surprised that he brings up his father as a gotcha when she does that.

the “privilege” to prioritize the patient in front of him—ugh, shut up forever, he’s a neurologist, not a public health specialist or an er doc doing triage. he’s supposed to prioritize the patient in front of him, it’s not a symptom of his childhood trauma

cringing at the van-ericka scene. felt totally unrelated to the rest of the episode—i went and rewatched the ceiling stars scene on a hunch, turned out i looked away during a ten second shot of ericka looking at jacob and van looking at her. (imo it should have been a longer shot if it was gonna be end-of-episode important.) making the empathic white boy suffer for suffering’s sake… sigh. i am just not interested in this love triangle.

but, talking of love stories i am interested in… we’re really ending the episode immediately after the kiss, huh? okay. OKAY.

[chaoskirin]

Today, While I was in the middle of typing an email, Microsoft Outlook 365 popped up a window demanding feedback. And boy did I have shit to say.

I had to keep the swearing out, because apparently any report I make is duplicated and sent to the IT department. But the text I ended up sending follows:

---

God, I have so much to tell you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. First: Stop messing with everything. Outlook works fine, but you keep changing things that don't need changing. Moving buttons around. Turning on features that I have explicitly turned off for not working before. Just today, you turned on the auto-suggestions again, which would be great if it actually worked. Instead, when it suggests anything you don't accept, it just mashes words together. Do you know how it feels to be typing a professional email and you miss one of those failures and send your email anyway? I mean, to be fair, I caught ten, so I still got a 90% on the ol' Microsoft-sanctioned-typo-factory. But the person I emailed doesn't see it that way, do they? They see that I mashed three words together like there was a wasp on the space bar.

Plus, my signature keeps getting deleted. Not just switched to nothing, but completely deleted. Which means I have to re-make that every time your developers get bored and decide to re-haul a program that absolutely never needs re-hauling. I remember once a couple months ago the attachment button just disappeared, and there was no way for me to attach a final bill. I had to actually use my personal gmail address to send an email to a customer because for about 16 hours, it was impossible to attach anything.

But, you say, I should have sent error reports. And I did. But the question in my mind always comes back to "why are you messing with something that does not need changing?" The only thing that ever happens is that you change aesthetics. Colors. This time the boxes are gone. Do you think you're at risk of losing customers? Do you think you have to keep things new and fresh? No. People are shackled to you. You have a quasi-monopoly and a stranglehold on a whole lot of workflows. People cannot leave you. In the world of word processing and spreadsheets, you are Alcatraz. You don't have to change things to keep people here.

Instead, long-time bugs continue to plague everything I do within this hell-suite of software. Sometimes when I try to start typing in the body of the email, outlook decides that, no, I don't want to type an email! I want to send the other emails in my inbox to the archive, where, if I don't notice this, they will sit and fester forever. There's also the bug where I create an email and it duplicates it and puts it in my drafts. Or the bug where it just creates a blank email and puts it in my drafts. Do you want to know how many blank emails I've deleted from my drafts folder? There are not enough numbers in existence to count this.

If you REALLY want to know how to improve Outlook and this message isn't just going into the wilderness like all those notebooks from the hit-TV-show-where-nobody-liked-the-ending, LOST, then please. Listen. From the bottom of my heart and from the top of my lungs: Stop changing everything. Nothing needs changing. Just run a good service. Get your programmers onto fixing longstanding bugs instead of trying to make an email and scheduling program look like a fashion show in Paris.

And if I seem a little ticked off in this message, it's because your request for feedback popped up in the middle of me compiling an email, which was just about halfway done. Outlook, in all its wisdom, decided that I didn't actually need that email and went ahead and deleted all the text in it. All of it. So after I finish giving you an earful, I'm going to have to retype it.

Hope this helps. Have a wonderful day.

[grifff17]

Audiodrama Sunday 6/9/2024

I have so much to say this week! I usually take some very quick notes as to what I want to say in these as I listen to stuff, but this week I have a ton of notes. Also, I made a Tumblr Community for audiodramas. If you want an invite, please ask me! Also, if you can figure out how to reblog posts into a community, which is supposedly a thing you can do, please tell me.

To start off, season 16 of Lost Terminal started this week. It feels great to be back in this world, this show is so cozy. I love the little programming tidbits in this show, as a nerdy programmer into conlangs and hard scifi this show feels like it was made for me specifically. It looks like the premise for this season is an entire season that takes place over 10 seconds, which is such an incredibly cool idea. I love how they are leaning into the relative time different between humans and AIs due to processing speed.

@worldsbeyondpod had so many crazy moments I have to talk about. First off *music change* "roll a stealth check for the fox" out of nowhere was terrifying. I truly felt Erika's gasp when Brennan said the words "patchy corduroy witch hat". I haven't even gotten to the biggest moment in this episode. Holy shit poor Straw. This story has so much moral nuance, I'm obsessed with @quiddie's defense of Suvi on tumblr since the last episode. Speaking of Aabria, "fuck your scene" was so perfect. Finally, Glassheart moment spotted at the end of the episode. Even though it will never happen, I will forever be a Glassheart shipper.

@worldgonewrongpod this week was very fun. It is weird that I was picturing a specific tree at a small local park I walk through all the time whenever the tree was being described? I cannot unlink that tree and this episode in my mind. The reenacted council meeting was great, I'm excited for the update to this episode at the end of the season. Also, I'm not sure I've said this yes, but the theme song for this show is perfect. I've already added it to my playlist.

@wanderersjournalpod ended on a cliffhanger this week. Are we finally going to learn Pluto's whole deal next week? I can't wait to find out.

@midstpodcast that was a hell of an opening scene. This whole episode showed such an interesting side of Weep. I want to avoid spoilers for this show, but that ending god damn. That is not what I expected. We must be getting close to the end of the season, they resolved the opening scene and the episodes are getting much longer. Looking at the lengths of the previous season, there's probably 2 more episodes.

A very short update from my dear friend over at @re-dracula this week. Renfield is so unsettling. I don't actually know anything about Renfield, so I'm learning as I go. I think he's some sort of vampire spawn?

@breakerwhiskey I caught up and what the fuck. This show keeps twisting the knife. Hey, at least Birdie is finally talking in real time again. She confirmed Whiskey's theory, which is nice, and finally gave us her backstory. Then the second reveal in a later episode, holy shit Harry. This really explains the whole dynamic between Whiskey and Harry. This was the big fight Whiskey keeps referencing.

I listened to the first episode of season 2 of Skyjacks Courier's Call. The city that it's going to be set in is really cool, and I loved the Fun Money shenanigans. Going on a road trip tomorrow and I'm going to listen to a lot more of it.

Finally, there was a new SCP: Find Us Alive this week. This was a cool episode, I really liked the art show. But the big thing was the very end of this episode. My theory was right! Sometimes, when talking into the mic, Harley was subject to the memetic effect and forgot what he was talking about. But only sometimes. They've established that it only happens if someone can hear you. This meant that every time he forgot, someone was listening! Great foreshadowing!

Because of the aforementioned road trip, I'm going to post this a few hours early. This is at least better than my usual time of "forgetting it until the last moment."

[nonbinarydeity]

Give Up Control

This is gonna be a lot to read but PLEASE read it, it's so important, I can not stress this enough.

Holy shit. I just completely connected to my subconscious mind. I literally heard them talking to me, saying the nicest things; I realized somewhere deep inside of me that they have my best interests in mind, and I just gave up control completely.

I'm actually in shock writing this. I didn't realize it, but doing this is actually the best thing I could have ever done for myself. In giving up control, I allowed my subconscious to literally Speedrun the process of manifesting, but it didn't manifest things, it manifested feelings and this knowledge that I am a godly being.

I cannot describe to you how good I feel. It literally feels like my trauma, my pain, my fear, etc has been washed away. The moment I gave my subconscious control, it started washing out all of my old programming and it replaced it with love and acceptance. I feel so free like? I'm so much happier than I've ever felt.

How I gave up control

So what happened was, I was trying to get into the void state, and while doing so I was letting go of my outer world. I think I was one step away from it when my subconscious mind popped into my head and started telling me what I good job I was doing, and it told me that all I had to do this whole time was let go of the outer world, thus giving up control of my reality (let go of control, whatever is attaching you to the idea of needing control, let go of it). I literally disconnected from reality while doing this. I could feel and hear it, but I knew that it wasn't nearly as real as me if that makes sense??

Then it asked me what I wanted. And I stg I was gonna say the void state but then I realized that that's what was holding me back. I wanted so much and I had no idea how to get it; trying to get it made it feel farther away so I kept trying and failing and trying and... Let's just say I've broken that cycle.

So anyways, instead of asking it for the void, I just asked what it wanted, and this wave of happiness shot through me, and I knew I did the right thing.

What happened after I let go (why I think everyone should try this!!)

My subconscious mind literally walked me through the process of letting go of my trauma you guys. Like it literally helped me get into the correct states and everything. I felt resistance to some of the stuff (literally my ego was trying to stop it, like the fear and everything yk?), but I let go of that too and let my subconscious do it's work and oh. my. god. I feel so much freer, so much more powerful, so much happier and I can't even describe it fully.

I definitely don't feel done with this process, I know I probably have a few more sessions of this to go before I'm fully healed from everything, but even in one go I feel SO MUCH BETTER (I cannot stress this enough). I know that I'm in control but I also know that when it comes to actually getting what I want, it's a higher part of me that's doing it. Like it's me in the driver's seat, but it's not this earthly me, it's beyond that.

Anyways I hope this makes sense but I swear you all HAVE to try this. Like just lay down and meditate and ask your subconscious to help you let go of your need for control, and let them guide you through everything. Don't ask for anything besides their help and let them give you what you REALLY want (to heal, to love, to be free, etc). It'll be 1000% worth it, I promise 😭💕

[moonshynecybin]

bc you asked for it: what happens in the same age au when they get to the premier class?

YESSSSS OKAY. so the thing is. in this scenario they are MUCHHH more codependent right out of the gate. truly like you are the only bitch i can relate to and understand and ALSO the only person i can use as a yardstick for how actually good at this sport i am. and my entire life is about discovering how good at this sport i am. like they both think they’re weird fucked up soulmates created in a lab to complement and destroy each other. and they’ve held the other’s hair back after they puked when they were teenagers AND they’ve been inside each other. WEIRD shit sublimating into their egos and sense of selves.

which means ego really changes here! because if they went up against each other in their primes i’m not sure they would be as dominant as they were in real life… if vale didn’t win 9 titles without going to the gym that would change him as a person. and he’s reacting to MARC as his main rival here so he CANT win at those mind-game psychological warfare tactics he used as a little guy because marc is simply matching him in levels of crazy… idk it has interesting implications top to botttom for how these guys fundamentally view themselves and their lives!! i like to think about it!!!

but. basically. i think the main friction in their relationship, ESPECIALLY when they get to the premiere class, is the injury thing. even more so than normal. it’s not just i love you i’m scared that you aren’t taking care of yourself. it’s I DONT KNOW WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU please take care of yourself because i can’t race when i’m WORRIED about you (we see also how marc gets about alex) and racing is the MOST IMPORTANT THING!!! this goes both ways but vale is notably more anxious about it. like this scenario would add vale to the list of people who can make marc stop racing injured (and who are COMFORTABLE asking him to stop) BUT it also makes him a direct competitor to marc. and his oldest friend. and largest enemy. with no added hero worship BUT a big dose of first-love/situationship naïveté for them both. like knowing how they get on track together, how do they even begin to resolve thatttttt… contradictions on contradictions….. so marc doesn’t race injured as often, but maybe learns to protect himself independently even LESS (he doesn’t have to think about it, that’s what vale’s for !) and it reallyyyyy tears into their relationship because vale cannot be the entire scaffolding for marc’s ability to protect himself (he is also i think not protecting himself so well from injury. anything to beat marc, don’t know where or if sic fits here etc)

ANOTHER BIG TENSION. i also think that vale would NOT be one to want to settle down that young, whereas marc would wanna get soulbonded about it… so even while vale in this au has an easier time conceptualizing how important marc is to him, i think he imposes some distance in order to go out and like. process his parents divorcing/remarrying (SIDE NOTE 2: PIC OF MARC WITH BABY LUCA. THANK YOU.), sow his wild oats, hit up the club and be a little slutty etc (SIDE NOTE 3: UCCIO AND MARC BEEF WOULD GO FUCKING CRAZYYYY HERE) and marc is down to tag along for a lot of that stuff but at the same time. they’re teens/young men living in different countries so it’s not like they’ve ever talked about what they are or asked to be exclusive… and it’s not gonna feel great when vale disappears with a girl or marc has some fling with someone back home! and it’s not like they can come out so i actually think the on again off again vibes get TURBOCHARGED. the jealousy and angst is ratchet up to ten… maybe they don’t get sepang level divorced bc ego is different and they’ve known each other longer, but the little stuff digs more… they break up a lot they make up a lot…. they eventually get resolve it after marc’s arm injury i think… puts some stuff into perspective…

[altschmerzes]

Hello! I would love to know more about 'The Ghosts are On the Porch' (Ted Lasso) and 'The Wild Dogs are Hungry' (The Bear)

which put together sound like the stanza of a poem :D

SO 'the ghosts are on the porch' is the name i gave to the zipties nightmare fic! aka my bad things happen bingo fill for 'zipties' which i described briefly here. some further information now includes that a prominent feature of this fic is jamie being like. why would i tell anyone what happened here there's no point. nothing even happened. my wrists are a little fucked up and i've got a few bruises but i'm otherwise unharmed. i've been hurt worse falling during a match. cue him needing it outlined very clearly that like. you were like. kidnapped actually. that was incredibly fucked up and of course you aren't okay. ft. this summary of his attitude in this fic from a discord message:

buddy bikes to training because he can't stand to get in the car and has a panic attack when he tries. he wears long sleeves to hide the damage and ignores it until someone sees and the cat's out of the bag. and then we get to explain to jamie that bad things that happen to him ARE bad actually and he's not being a whiny baby.

'the wild dogs are hungry' is, in short, about natalie and richie planning michael's funeral.

i think a lot about how it had to have been the two of them. how there is no way donna was... in a state to be involved in that and carmy was in new york and didn't come and like. who else could it have been. it had to be them. and the like... strange bedfellows effect of 'you're the only person i have to do this with' and how that would've been for both of them to like. only really have each other to lean on in that process, because their relationship was rocky prior to richie's transformative forks experience lmao.

there's a specific scene i have in mind where like. donna is at natalie's house, where she and richie have been working on getting things together, and things sort of. go badly. and she gets... the way she is. and it's too much to handle and donna makes natalie cry, to which richie actually kicks donna out of the house which is. it's a lot. it's a lot for richie to like... do that. in the moment. because this is his best friend's ma, his very recently dead best friend's ma, and someone he owes more than he will ever be able to repay, and kicking her out in this situation feels like anathema to everything in him but also. she cannot be doing this to nat right now. and the scales of Which Berzatto Needs Me The Most Right Now tips in natalie's favour and he steps in to handle it.

and it's obviously a lot for natalie too which is like... this is one of the worst days of her life, easily, and she's got this person she does not like in her house standing up and protecting her from her mom and helping her plan her brother's funeral and like. at this point it's very she doesn't like richie but she loves him, y'know. he's family. and she needs him. they need each other. sometimes all you got is This Specific Person and so you stick together and you do what you need to do because you lost someone you loved and everything fucking sucks and you want to scream and your husband didn't grow up in your fucked up nightmare of a family and you love him but he doesn't get this shit and he's trying to help but you kind of can't stand talking to him about this right now but you can't do it alone either. so here's this asshole. this asshole you grew up with. you lost your brother. he lost your brother too.