#and my dad said he would drive bc my car can and will kill me if i drive on The Ice Roads

[jonbinary-archive]

left early yesterday and had work cancelled 2day ... can we keep this streak going tmrw

[thegreatestsandwich]

hi! I noticed you were looking for Xavier requests. I come with some ideas instead! (a) jealous or overprotective Xavier

(b) reader gets hurt either by the Hyde or somewhere in the fight at the end of the season

and that’s all my little pea brain can think of! Hope this helped you bc we need more Xavier fics!

Look at this forsaken mess you made me (Xavier Thorpe x f!reader)

Masterlist

Pairing: Xavier Thorpe x f!reader

Word count: 1.1k

Summary: Xavier has five moods when it comes to you, happy, in love, jealous,  overprotective and worried...It really is an interesting combination

Warning: fluffiness and Xavier is my baby, deal with it, you will have a lot of him coming up soon

A/N: It took me YEARS to be able to learn how to write jealous :D

Coments, Reblogs and Asks are happily received! I love to read your lovely coments :)

It wasn’t supposed to happened like that. You were supposed to be away this weekend. Jesus, your parents even made the trip to get you, he was there, he helped you and even cried a little when you waved him goodbye from the back window of your dad’s car.

Today, of all of the days…

Why were you here?

Xavier couldn’t think as he grabbed your face and force you to look at him, he didn’t know if he was screaming, maybe he was, his chest felt tight, like a force was forcing his breaths out of his body and you didn’t killed him, he didn't felt bad or at the edge from death for touching you, something was wrong. His hands were red and he painted your face with that color, that color wasn’t supposed to be on your face, on your body. You don’t look good in red.

“Look at me.” He force himself to speak. But there you were, staring at him blinking slowly. ��Don’t you dare looking away, you hear me?”

Someone tried to pull him away from you but he didn’t let them, he would not let you go.

“Listen to me,” He cradled your body in his arms. “You listen to me, you hear me? Don’t you dare to close your eyes (Y/N).”

Your name in his mouth sounded so dirty, like it didn’t belong there. Arms surrounded his shoulders and managed to get him away from you, he began screaming and trashing, trying to get himself free and return to your side. He could see you being pulled on a gurney.

“Don’t touch her!” He screamed. “Stop!”

“Pull yourself together man.” Ajax hold him tight. “They’re taking her to the hospital, you’ll see her there.”

Xavier breathed heavily as he watched the -now clear- ambulance drive away. He nodded wordlessly and Ajax helped him get up.

“C’mon, if we go now the faster you’ll see them again.”

Xavier pushed the hospital’s door opened, crashing against the reception’s counter. “(Y/N) (L/N) was brought here minutes ago, is she alright? Can I go see her?” He spoke quickly.

The recepcionist stared boringly at him before slowly typing your name on her computer. She popped her gum ball before speaking. “What’s your relationship with her?”

Xavier bit her cheek, breathing heavily. “I’m her boyfriend.”

She hummed, watching how a group of teenagers stand next to him, she frowned before realizing where they came from. “Sorry sweetheart but only immediate family can ask about her.”

He huffed, he was getting angrier. “Look, I need to see her.”

“Yeah, but can’t do anything to help you, maybe you should all sit there like good kids and wait for your parents, okey?”

Xavier was about to strangle the lady when Wednesday carefully put a hand on his arm, moving him to de side as she stared at the receptionist. “We want to know how she is doing.”

The receptionist stared at Wednesday, “As I said to your friend, only immediate family can ask about her, kid.”

“Wait for me in the cafeteria.” Wednesday’s eyes didn’t left the receptionist as she told the others. Her eyes slowly drifted downwards to her name tag. “Carol and I will come to an agreement, isn’t that right Carol?”

Xavier couldn’t stop moving, he needed to do it, his stress was making him nervous and no matter how hard Enid or Ajax tried to calm him down but it wasn’t helpful. Footsteps made him turn to the cafeteria’s door and he saw Wednesday entering calmly, he quickly walked to her.

“How’s she?!” He exclaimed.

Wednesday stared at him before giving him a paper. “Room 204, take the elevator and turn right.” Xavier stared at her, taking the paper before nodding and running to the elevator.

The number 204 stared at him, but he froze, endless questions began appearing on his head, but he entered anyway. You were lying on the bed completely frozen, several tubes were surrounded you and he almost cried at the image. He made his way to you and almost grabbed your hand but saw that you weren’t wearing gloves.

He quickly took off a pair of them (the same pair he bought after your day at the fair) and put them on, grabbing your hand, he kissed his own hand, imagining kissing yours. “You need to wake up (Y/N), you hear me?” He whispered. “I can’t…I can’t do this without you.”

Xavier didn’t know how long he was sleep, it was uncomfortable, yes. But when the tiny movement of sheets woke him up. He blinked for a moment before your hand carefully grabbing his. “Thank God.” He grasped it tightly. Closing his eyes as tears began forming. “Thank God you’re okey.”

“What…?” You rasped, trying to sit but hissing when the pain caught your body.

“Hey, hey, hey.” He gently pushed you back to the bed. “It’s okey, I’ll explain everything, I swear.”

A knock startled him and he quickly glanced at the door, he was preparing to fight whoever force him to leave. It opened and Wednesday made her way inside, she couldn’t look at you.

“Hey.” You gently greeted her and Xavier gave her a nod.

“Hey.” She responded, “Thank you for coming to help.” She whispered.

You smiled, “We’re friends, aren’t we?” You squeezed Xavier’s hand. “I’m happy I could help.”

Wednesday nodded, “The others are downstairs, they want to come up but if you want a few more minutes of your own, I don’t mind holding them out.”

“Please.” Xavier said, “An hour if you can.” Wednesday nodded before leaving, not before looking at you once again. “She asked you to come back?”

You nodded, “Enid send me a text that Wednesday needed help.”

Xavier closed his eyes, finally feeling al the stress going out. “Are you mad?!” He pushed away from you, began pacing. “Do you have any idea what you did?!”

“I help?” You were confused.

“You almost die! You were bleeding, you understand? I held you on my arms and you almost died!”

“Xavier…”

“No! No.” He tugged at his hair. “You can’t do this, you hear me?”

“Xavier…” You tried again.

“I can’t…I can’t…” He turned, not daring to look at you. “I can’t (Y/N), I can’t.”

“Xavier.” You exclaimed, managing to catch his attention, he was tearing up. You raised your hand and he quickly grabbed it. “I’m sorry.”

“I can’t go through that again (Y/N), I can’t lose you.”

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

hii wifey!!! okay it's currently super late where i am right now and i can't sleep 😭 but ever since my post on @dirty-little-mind33 i- i haven't been able to stop thinking of dbf!tangerine 😫

like like JDJSJDDJHFFJ

it's giving your dad's hired hitman and they're friends or whatever (don't ask for the specifics, I'm half asleep) and he takes a liking to you and he treats you like a princess FR

keeps you in check so you stay out of trouble, little touches, "love", "princess", "sweetness", "SWEET GIRL" ANRJRNENDN like it's giving the same vibes as bodyguard!tan.

can just imagine him sitting in an armchair of your living room, legs spread bc he's a man and it's sometimes super hot (don't sue me), and he asks you for a lighter and so you hand him one and he blows smoke in your face as he thanks you and calls you his good girl 🥵

okay sorryyyyyyyyyy this is so long i just needed to share and hear your thoughts 🫶

on another note, dbf!logan is also sooo hot but that's for another ask 💖

my wife!! hi wifey! so this will be like im talking to you directly, like im typing everything my brain is thinking in real time. it makes it personal and intimate, I love it. enjoy 💞💞💞💞(also sorry only just got round to this)

no bc you’re so onto something EURRRGGHHHH!!!!

and like okay right so! he’s been working for your dad for a few years and bc it’s only been a few years he’s not known you long (meaning he didn’t see you grow up etc bc that’ll be😃🤮) and like when you visit ur parents or idk you live with them (pick what you fancy) you see him at the dining table with your dad and got all the papers out and laptops etc and they’re chatting about work stuff/ plan

idea time. you go past them and into the kitchen and your dad is none the wiser looking at the papers and maybe questioning the prices but tans looking at you in the kitchen. and tans like “do us a couple teas would ya darling” (ew tan, why would you say that? have you no respect? no shame?) and he’s being all cheeky bc of the darling. but your dad doesn’t think anything of it, like it’s a common petname kinda thing. and it makes your ears prick and turn to look at him and he’s all smug????? and nodding at you????

this is really getting away from me but im not done, you’ve got me going 😭😭😭

tan definitely tests the waters, pushes the boat out LOADS. like he’s so teasing and cheeky in how he does it. def touches your back when ur dads in the same room, looks at you during dinners, sits opposite you during said dinners and touches you with his foot (but not in an gross way bc feet are disgusting) or sits beside you during said dinners and spreads his legs so his thigh bumps yours AND AHHAAHHAGAHA OMG THIS IS KILLING ME has his elbows wide on the table so he takes up more space and feels your arm up with his

and if you’re in the garden after dinner getting some air bc of what happened at the table. he’d come out and join you. but not properly. you might be at the end of the garden sitting at the patio table or something and he’s on the steps by the back door having a fag. like he’s keeping an eye on you but not making it obvious for your family inside

he’s also always offering lifts! so like if you don’t have a car or it’s in the shop or idk blah blah you ask your dad for a lift and tans there and he offers to drive you. and you’re like “no it’s fine” bc sitting in a car with him will make you like idk but like yk GO CRAZY. and tans all like “it’s no fuss. gotta pick something up that way anyway” and your dad is still oblivious so he’s agreeing to it like “tan’ll take you” and tan grabs his keys and he’s nodding you along like (okay don’t hate me for this. I don’t have a daddy kink but this idea is sending me and I need to say it) he’s all like “what daddy said goes” 😫😃😫😀🫠👍😉😔😖😱😰🫣🤭🤔AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAHHHH!!! and it has a double meaning!!!!!!!!!!!! bc he means your dad but also him!!!!!!! and the ‘take you’ bit!!!!! he also means that he’ll take you. like fuck you. so it’s all a huge double entendre

GOD THIS IS KILLING ME!!!!!!!!! making me wanna do something with dbf tan now

but he’s such a gentleman about it. like he’s teasing and smug and cocky but he’s still very charming and charismatic about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and when he drops you off he’s looking at your ass getting out and then opens the window to talk to you through the car and he’s like “call me if you need me”

and you’re like “why would I call you?” like shouldn’t he be saying to call your dad????

and he’s all like “you know why”

and you’re like “huh?” looking at him all weird

AND YHEN HE SAYS “he don’t pay attention to you like I do” GOOD DUCKING GOD SJJABSJDBS

im gonna have to stop there bc I know I never will. plus I have rice cooking and the timer went off 5 mins ago so I really gotta run😭😭😭😭

but you’re so right about him being the same as bodyguard tangerine!!!

[kairiscorner]

i saw your miguel requests are open!! Yay!

Could you write a Miguel x f!reader where reader is a stubborn, confident daughter of a crime lord and Miguel is required to be her bodyguard even though she doesn't want anything to do with her father's work?

HI DEARRRRR OFC OFC !! sorry if the climax seemed so sudden, i just wanted to do something related to the third image on the header bc it looked so cute rgh ... anyway, hoping you like this !!

(reblogs are greatly appreciated, it helps get my content out there! if you guys like what you see, please reblog it too <:D)

bodyguard!miguel o'hara x fem!reader

the guy your father hired to protect you was... a real piece of work.

first of all, he was worse than your dad; he refused to let you do anything by yourself or go anywhere all alone, even in the most private of places. he sits close by you, or across you, while eating–he stands outside of the comfort room, standing all menacingly by your stall door and glaring down at anybody who walked by, and he'd decline invitations to anywhere fun and exciting for you in fear that you'd 'get all rebellious' on your father. "do you not know how to have fun? i'm starting to think you were, what, synthesized in a lab, never experienced wanting to have some excitement in your life?" you asked him sarcastically as he drove you home, with you at the front seat–your arms folded over your chest as you narrowed your eyes at your stoic-faced bodyguard.

miguel didn't budge and kept his eyes on the road; expertly driving without flinching or looking away one bit from the road ahead of you two. you raised an eyebrow and sighed, slumping further into your seat. "you're like the terminator, like, i don't even know if you kill people, but you're like him–a mindless robot that can only follow orders." you said with a huff. he finally spoke soon enough as you two hit a red light. "your father's paying me to follow orders, not to do anything else, let alone have idle chit-chat with his daughter." he said pretty bluntly and monotonously, making you groan exaggeratedly. "of course he would never pay for me to have a friend. he did when i was seven years old, though, that went to shit after a while, however." you blabbed as miguel looked at you from the corner of his eye.

"wait, of course, you don't wanna hear it." "no, no, keep talking, ma'am." miguel then blurted out himself. "that is... if you wish to keep talking." he added, distancing himself from you while still getting a little closer than ever before. you were surprised at how miguel was taking the initiative to talk to you, and you figured that since you had nothing better to do, why not tell this man your whole life story, thoughts, problems, and... just everything you've been keeping to yourself all this time. "fuck, i wanna leave home." you confessed to him as miguel slowed the car down, coming to a turn. "...and why's that?" he asked you, making you immediately shrug in response. "well, my dad wants to protect me and all, which, i'm grateful for, but... i don't wanna have a part in everything he does, i don't want... i don't want to do what he does, and i'm scared that, one day... i will end up like him." you confessed, tears streaming down your cheeks without you realizing. this has happened multiple times while you were alone, but never with anyone else–you'd sometimes cry without you realizing and mask it up, switch your emotions like flicking a switch on and off.

miguel, for the first time in a long while, turned his head to look at you and away from the road for a bit. he slowed down his driving and just... looked onto your scared, worried eyes that reflected just how fearful you were of becoming like your father. you were always so daring, rebellious, and confident to boot–you never showed fear unless it was a real, tangible fear you felt like it might come true one day if you weren't careful. he cleared his throat and looked up ahead, back on the road. "it's not my place to say anything regarding this matter, i'm not the most well-equipped person to have anything remotely helpful to say about any of this, but, um... you don't know that." he whispered those last few words in a small, creaking voice, not even sure why he's saying what he's saying; gulping back the already spoken words and shirking back in the driver's seat silently.

you sniffled back the tears you didn't realize you were holding in and looked at him quizzically. "...don't know what?" you asked him with a gentle voice, prompting him to finish his thought. miguel sighed and pulled up to the driveway, cutting through the dark evening with the bright lights illuminating from the luxurious car miguel drove you in and shut off the ignition, shifting in his seat as anxiety and nervousness filled his mind. "you... you don't know if you'll really be like him. you're not your father, you might not even become your father; you're... you. and, i like you for who you are, for all your snarkiness, cheekiness, you giving me a hard time all the time, i... i appreciate you as you are now." he finished, feeling his face get all flustered as he saw the way your eyes shone in the dark, how your tears from earlier glistened as the moon shone above and let light pour down upon your twinkling face. he got out of the car and went over to your door as usual to escort you out, but when he got close to your door, you left the window open and—as he got nearer towards you—you grabbed him gently by his tie, pulled him in close, and pressed your plush lips against his. you didn't know what you just did or why you even did what you did—but something about his words stuck to you and compelled you to... do some things you'd keep to yourself.

"i, um... thank you. you're... not as emotionless as i thought you'd be, i-i suppose..." you murmured silently as you pulled away from him and let his tie slip from your hands as you scooched out of the passenger and driver's seat, exiting out the door miguel left through; watching him stare at you with widened eyes and a bashful, surprised look on his face that made him think and ask himself, 'was that... real?' he merely nodded and kept clearing his throat as he stumbled away from the car, but fumbling the keys in his hands to lock the doors once he realized he forgot to do so. you swore you heard him mutter how 'soft your lips felt, how 'if your dad learned about that... there was no telling what'd happen to him', but most of all—you swore that he seemed softer, kinder, and a lot more vulnerable than before you kissed him.

he seemed so much warmer now, somehow...

this wasn't stopping you totally from overthinking all the time, though, it was good to know that he respected you as a person as opposed to some girl he was going to protect at all costs. but the reason why you kissed him... it sent your face to a furious fluster and made your brain short-circuit even remembering it all, made you weak in the knees and stutter a whole lot while thinking about it, looking forward to the next time you'd see him, for once.

tags !! @miguelswifey04 @hearts4gabri @hisachuu @wreakingmarveloushavok @fictarian @yuridopted0 @simsrandomstuff @luvstarrstruck @popeheywardssecretgf @meeom @arachnoia @melovetitties @fable-library @ophanimgold @smokeywhalee @capnshtfce

[itsmebytch001]

y/n sneaking and taking aarons car to learn how to drive bc he wont teach her (with a friend that knows how to) and getting caught? i was thinking earth 42 bc miles probably has a motorcycle to chase them down (bc instead of getting out n getting in trouble they jusr drive off full speed)

(I Love this one)

You and Aaron were in a circle, when you asked him 'Dad can you teach me how to drive?' He would say 'yes' but weeks would pass and you still could not bee trusted behind the wheel, then when you would ask for lessons he would say no, because 'why should I pay for them when I could just teach you?' And when you pressed him to actually teach you, or for Miles too he would hit you with the 'We don't have time to teach you!'

So finally you had enough, enough of waiting for your Dad, or Miles to get off their ass and teach you, so you inlisted the help of Musa, her father had been vigilante on teaching her on driving since he was sick of shoeffering her places, drilling the road code into her like a second langue, and now that both Aaron and Miles had left the house, and the car you called her up for assistance.

Calling Musa Harada...

ring

ring

Musa: "hey"

Y/n: "Hi hi...so you know how you can drive?"

Mus: "Just about, yeah why you need going some place?"

Y/n: "No, not yet anyways I was just wondering if you'd be willing to teach me"

Musa: "Can't, Dad's off on buisnesse and took the car"

Y/n: " What about my Dad's car?"

Musa: "Your Dad's car?"

Y/n: "Yeah, who else?"

Musa: "Knowing how your Dad dotes that thing? If we took it out and even got one scratch I think he'd kill us both!"

Y/n: "Yeah...But if your even a half decent teaching I won't get any scratches and all will be fine!"

Musa: " But what if I'm a bad teacher and we crash?"

Y/n: "Are you a bad teacher?"

Musa: "I don't know Iv'e never teached anyone how to drive"

Y/n: "Well now's your chance!"

Musa: "...What's in it for me?"

Y/n: "$250 and Egyptian leftovers!"

Musa: "I'll be over in a hour!"

End of call...

And just as she said Musa was over by your window in a hour, letting her in as her long black hair whisked past your face she asked you...

Musa: "Where are my leftovers?"

Y/n: "In the kitchen damm"

So while Musa stuffed her face and her pockets while you sat beside her on the coach.

Musa: "So how are we getting in your Dad's car?"

You pulled out the shiny key and dangled it in front of her.

Y/n: "Swiped his keys"

Musa: "And he didn't notice? Odd"

Y/n: "I know right? I thought for sure he was gonna catch me but his mind's been else where"

Musa: "Why donsen't your Dad teach you?"

Y/n: "He keeps saying he will but I know he won't, it's a mix of him being busy, and not wanting to admit to himself I'm not a child"

Musa: "Look at you, little therapist"

Y/n: "I know right? You finished with your food?"

Musa: "yeah" She said wiping her lip and dusting herself off as you both made your way out the house and down the fire escape and into the neighbouring ally where at the end of the alley under a rouge tarp was Aarons vintage black Cadillac, his pride and joy after you of course that he had imported from Cuba that he had worked on and off for the past however many years.

Musa: "You sure you wanna do this?"

Y/n: "...Yeah"

Musa: "That sounded very unsure..." she said hands on hips and eye brow raised.

Y/n: "Yeah Yeah whatever"

And once you and Musa got into the car, turned on the engine and pulled out the alley she softly instructed you to press on the accelerator, only for the car to jolt forward once, stop entirley and then start again, only now it took over itself, speeding down the road at 70 an hour.

Musa: "TAKE YOUR FOOT OF THE FUCKING GAS!"

But your foot was already off the gas, your hands weren't even on the wheel but still car kept going straight so fast everything seemed a blur.

Y/n: "I HAVE!!" Musa looked over to see your feet weren't anywhere near the gas pedal.

Musa: "HIT THE BREAKS! HIT THE BREAKS!"

But once you did the car simply kept going, faster and faster with Musa leaning over and swerving the wheel to avoid civillians both of you screaming hysterically as the car took a life of it's own only for Musa to take the wheel to avoid ant fatality's.

Musa: "MOVE!!" She screamed as she swerved the car out of the way of an old woman slowly being shuffled across the road, the war drifts around her while Musa pushes her legs in front of your's to try and stop the car pressing on the breaks only for it to keep going, pressing on the horn again and again to ward people off while you were squished into the window making room for Musa.

Needless to say your reckless driving caught the attention of the Police, you saw their red and blue lights in the side view mirrors and growingly large cars come closer as they sped closer. You heard there groaning siren and the sound of speaker came on.

PD NY Pull Over!!

Musa: "WERE TRYING!!" She screamed out the window obvioulsy not being heard as they continued to chase.

As the car made it's way down road and down under the bridge Musa while trying to avoid people had stuck several other cars thankfully not seriously hurting anyone.

Y/n: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Musa: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CAR?!" She yelled pressing the break again and again while looking down at her feet.

Y/n: "Musa! Watch out!" Musa looked up to see she was around drive off a ten foot drop, but instead swerved the car into a bridge piller, finally bringing it to a stop, the air bags kick in while you both slammed your heads into the air cushions.

PD NY COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

And so, while both concussed and deeply shaken you emergred from the reck alive and with your hands up...

While you and Musa sat in jail with ice packs for your swollen heads you apologized again and again to her for almost killing you both with Aarons strange car, you requested a phone call, meanwhile Aaron had just gotten home.

He opened the door where he would usually see you on the couch, or in your room but the house was empty, he called out for you.

Aaron: "Y/n...Ay Y/n you home...?" Only to be met with nothing.

ring

ring

Aaron picked up the phone with no caller id.

You are reciving a call from PDNY Brooklyn's 99th brough holding center from 'Y/n Davis' Press one to answer..

Y/n: "Da-"

Aaron: "What have you done?"

Y/n: "Hiiii Dad...So you know how you wouldn't teach me to drive?"

Aaron: "Jesus christ Y/n..."

Y/n: "So me and Mus-"

Musa poked you in the back.

Musa: "Don't drag me into this"

Y/n: "But you were there!"

Musa: "This is your fault!"

Y/n: "Yeah yeah" You turned away from Musa and back to the phone.

Y/n: "Uhhh, So We took out the car..."

Aaron: "As in My Cadillac?"

Y/n: "Yeah...and we might have, I might have crashed it into a bridge pillar"

Aaron: "WHAT?! I..I Oh My God, are you okay, is Musa okay?"

Y/n: "Yeah were oka-"

Aaron: "Than WHAT were you THINKING?! You took out my car and crashed it? Did you break in?!!"

Y/n: "Nooo...I swiped your keys"

Aaron: "Oh my God...Y/n why WHY would you do that?! "

Y/n: "It's not my fault it crashed, it literally would not stop going!"

Aaron: "Y/n...I don't DRIVE that car because THE BREAKS DO NOT WORK!"

Y/n: "Yeah I figured that out! Why do you still have it?!"

Aaron: "FOR COLLECTION!"

Y/n: "Why would you collect a car?"

Aaron: "Where is it now?"

Y/n: "what?"

Aaron: "The CAR!"

Y/n: "Oh uh...I think it's been in pounded"

Aaron: "Oh My God...Oh my god Y/n I can't with you right now-"

Y/n: "But Da-"

Call ended

Musa: "So?"

Y/n: "He hanged up!"

Musa: "He hanged up?! So were stuck here?"

Y/n: "Yep"

Musa: "Oh my GOD!"

So for around half a hour later while you and Musa sat misreablley in the holding center the door opened for a police officer to reveal themselves.

Y/n Davis and Musa Harada?

Musa: "Yeah?"

Y/n: "Yeah?"

Your bail's been paid your free to go...

As so while you and Musa exited the holding cell you saw Miles leaning against the wall all none chalant.

Y/n: "MILES! Thank you SOSO much your paying our bail!"

Miles: "I didn't, Your Dad did, sent me to come get you, I think it's best if you stay at mine Y/n your Dad is pissed, Musa come on I'll drop you home"

Musa: "Oh...thanks Miles!"

Requets are open!

[manwiththemagic]

spn s1 ep2 "wendigo"

THATS RIGHTTTTT!! more notes for my lil rewatch thingy.. man I love this show 😭

i love the grimey lighting!! Like slay I can't see shit!!

You can almost always tell how lore based an episode will be based on what it starts with.. like it's starting with random men in woods + death so filler! A monster of the week kinda thing!!

Which also makes me wonder why when Sam and Dean were kids John would be on a hunt for weekssss. Like it can take Sam and Dean a couple of days man??

Why are these kids camping if they're just gonna be on their phones?? Most boomer writing ever. WHICH REMINDS ME DEAN IS GEN X BRO.. and jack is gen alpha😨

bro these guys are DUMB. *Friend screaming in woods* *mild concern*"uhhh brad? What's going on?" IDK A BEAR ATTACK?? GET UP FREAK.

a poca shell necklace?? makes sense. I'm glad these MFS are dying and being kidnapped.

ALSOOO wendigo?? Hannibal reference?? Jkjkjk... UNLESS? no jk..

dangit moving into emotional territory. GAHHHHH JESS ☹️. she deserved better tbh.

“i should have protected you.. should have told you the Truth..” BABY NOOOO!! you couldn't have known :(((

Oh shit it was a nightmare. Forgot he had those. Tbh Sam's visions were one of my favorite plots in the entire show!! up there with demon blood, creepifer, godstiel, hallucinations, and everything to do with Jack kline.

“another nightmare?” DAD DEAN WINCHESTER I TELL YA!!

“you want to drive for a bit?” he doesn't know how to help Sam so he's like "well driving my car makes ME happy sooooo—" and honestly? Good effort pal

“im fine” ARE YOU SAM? ARE YOU.

why are they acting like John will know what killed Jessica?? He doesn't know what killed Mary dude 💀 AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY HE'S MISSING. (it's because he's on the demons trail but still..)

"so black water ridge is ther—" “dude check out the size of this freaking bear!!” HELPPPP!! Dean stay on track man— HOLY SHIT THATS A BIG BEAR. NEVERRRRMINDDD.

sams side eyes LMAOOO. "Why is he talking about this bear??"

Ranger guy really just handed out private info to these random guys because they said they were some girls friends..

“why do we even need to talk to this girl???” Sam chill out 😭

“so maybe we can know what we're walking into before we walk into it???” LMAOOOO YOU TELL EM DEAN!!

Sam has had a complete character swap and I love it. He just wants to find John, and kill whatever killed Jess. And Dean is slightly tweaking bc Sam is acting SOOOO careless 😭

“since when are you all 'shoot first, ask questions later'??” “since now.” DEAN DON'T SMILE AT THAT. SAM IS NOT ACTING HEALTHY.. just because you act like that doesn't mean Sam should too lil bro 😭

WAIT HOLYSHITHOLYSHIT!!!!! ON THE FAKE ID DEAN SHOWS THE GIRL IT SAYS SAMUEL COLT!! LIKE THE LEGEND. THE MAKER OF THEEE COLT GUN. THE MAKER OF THE TRAP TO THE GATE OF HELL IN S2/3 GAVNS HOKY SHITTTT!! REFERENCE!!

why is it that whenever Dean is about to 'hit it' or yk pull a women he looks at Sam with a smug smile. Like.. "look Sammy. She thinks I'm cool. Yeaaaaa women love me im SOOOOO awesome! 😼" If you were so cool you wouldn't be desperate for your little brothers validation.

codependent siblings meet codependent siblings.

“our parents are gone. It's just me two brothers and me, we keep pretty close tabs on each other..” Literally kid Sam and Dean core.

So this girl is all like "yea guess I'll see you out in the woods then. I'm gonna find em. I have too" and deans all like "I know how you feel.." DO YOU? who actually cares about John bro..

Nerd Sam finds shadows on bad video. Dean is wayyy to proud of him dude😭 it's honestly kinda sweet.

STOP HARASSING SAD OLD PEOPLE 😭😭 last episode with the guy with a dead wife and kids, this episode with a guy who saw his parents murdered and got mauled by a "grizzly bear" LIKE LEAVE THEM ALONE BRO😭😭

holy shit that scar is so bad. I'd cry.

“its corporal..” "stfu nerd what does that even mean??" "Its—" "blah blah, which means we can kill it! It's corporal." HE JUST SAID THAT DEAN..

sams kinda right.. it's dangerous for this girl to go with you, but deans also right.. she's gonna go no matter what.

LMAO COOL IT ON THE SASS SAM. “finding dad's not enough?? Now we gotta babysit too??” HELPPPP

Dean why are you looking so OKSY WITH THIS. Sam is clearly not right in the head bro😭 all he's thinking is "Sam's acting all tough like me 😼 kinda being a dick but we don't know these people so idrc"

“and your hiking in biker boots and jeans?” “well honey I don't do shorts 😒💅” HES SO ICONIC!!

this Roy guy is dumb. Like they're (in your perspective) rangers, they know what they're doing chill out. Obviously they know how dangerous the woods are??

and another one bites the dust.. RIP RANDOOOOO

dean finally met his snarky match.. “say uhh.. those critters ever hunt you back?” *gets yanked still.* “whatcha doing Roy?” *Roy picks up stick and disables bear trap.* “watch your step ‘ranger’”

OH MY GOD THE BROWN JACKET!! I miss the old wardrobe sm. Sam reminds me of a deer, no wonder Crowley calls him moose.

“your not rangers. Who the hell are you?” SHE CLOCKED THEMMM!! they've gotten caught twice in 2 episodes. C'mon guys. Your 2-0. losing. Or is it 0-2? Idk sports reference.

HOWEVER DON'T HATE THE DUFFLE BAG LADY. that stays for all 15 seasons. I think 😡

“besides it's probably the most honest I've ever been with a woman. ever..” HELP?? NOT A FLEX DUDE. you cannot convince me pre-series Dean had game. no way.

“what do you mean I didn't pack provisions?” THEN HE PULLS OUT A GIANT BAG OF M&M'S. ARE YOU FR??? HELSPSBSB

they are at the cords and... NOTHING. however there's no crickets so duh, obviously preds are around. Like animals not pedos. I CAN'T SPELL FAUCK

“you shouldnt go off by yourself..” “thats sweet. :)” ROY I LOVE YOU OLD MAN.

Also Ben (the kiddish brother of the girl) is listening to music in his earbuds the whole way and honestly? That's so real of him.

I love how Sam just follows dean around, ducking over his shoulder. It's kinda cute. I LOVE MY SONSS

I really don't remember much about the random man screaming but... yep they got their packs stolen. Tsk tsk tsk.

It's so obviously NOT A BEAR. bears don't commit kidnappings believe it or not!!

“so much for my gps and satellite phone :((” oh 2005, how I miss you.(I wasn't alive)

I really do like the old phones though tbh. No texting. (Even if there was, Dean probably couldn't figure it out back then)

“it wants to cut us off so we can't call for help..” “it? You mean someone. Some NUTJOB.” no Sam knows what he said Roy.

Sam dragging Dean away to speak in private omg. Dude I know these MFS are brothers, but they sneak around so much they act like a closeted gay couple. People on the road def thought that— HELL the entire bugs episode exists?? All the real estate agents were like "we sell to ALL types of people." And the second time they got hinted at being gay, Dean gave up and called Sam honey 💀💀

Finally they know what it is, even if Dean doesn't believe smarty pants sam.

sams right. These strangers?? Gotta go!!

“im trying to protect you.” “trying to protect me? I was hunting these woods when your mommy was still kissing you goodnight!” jokes on you HE DOESN'T HAVE A MOMMY!! hah! Take that!!

finally Dean talking to Sam. “no your not fine. I'm supposed to be the belligerent one, remember?” FINALLY.

“dads not here. Why are we still here?” valid point Sam! “this is why. (*Pulls out journal*)" NOOOOOOUHHHH. They treat it like it's the Bible. ITS NOT. “maybe dad wants us to take over where he left off. Saving people., hunting things. The family business.” dude. Sam is grieving over Jessica. Just let him grieve, kill the thing, and go back to law school 😭

“why doesn't dad just talk to us?” FR. I hate john.

Deans following orders, and Sam just wants to finish everything. It's kinda crazy how alike Sam and John are, but in different ways?? Idk.

Dean trying to comfort Sam but saying shit that doesn't help part 1!!

roy got nabbed. DUMBAHH

don't make Dean go into his backstory girl.. I know he looks like a pretty princess in leather but..

oh shit this IS an old show. They said 'Indian'. Which reminds me of in the bunker when Sam corrects Dean and says 'native American'. Idk if it's just because I was raised with hearing native American but calling them Indians is stupid. Like there can't be two?? And they just straight up AREN'T INDIAN?? but WTV..

ahhh yesssssssaaaa!! The cannibal lore of wendigos! reminds me of a certain gay phycologist? or uh.. wait what does he do.??? Physiatrist? WAIT—

okayyyy soooo fire? Cause wtfdym guns are useless?? damn when ARE guns useful.

why is Sam so smart. "Dawg the tracks? To obvious and clear it wants us to—"

HOLY SHIT ROY. we found him—yay???...

RUN BITCH RUNNNNNUUUUH

welp they lost Dean and Hailey.

No way the stupid product placement was actually important. Good job music kid!!

Also not part of the show but I found a pimple on my arm and YIKES the amount of puss— uh anyways..

*WARNING DO NOT ENTER* OMG let's go in here!!

like..

I mean yes they are probably in there but jesus.

okay now the boring plot.. blah blah save people, blah blah bad 2000's effects, blah blah.

Honestly the monster aspect of the monster show was kinda lacking in the first few episodes for me. I lLOVEEEE the monster stuff normally, don't get me wrong, but idk the action isn't peak rn, and we barely get to see the monster. :9

and Sam gets to drive baby!!! YIPPEE!!

[bcolfanfic]

“when all the stuff happens with jj (crosby’s oldest) and meadow gets pregnant curt handles all that (very) badly at first”

this feels in character with what you’ve said about curt and cros not getting along but 👀👀 i want more how does he react

badly. lmao.

but yeah i've kicked around a few versions of it w/ rachel and i think my favorite is him not even knowing they're involved till everything is hitting the fan. didn't tell her dads she was seeing him bc she knew they'd lose it (not just curt re: him being a crosby, him and croz aren't actually in a terrible place with each other atp. though it all more or less goes back to square one for a while during. she's around 22 and jj is 29, so there's the age gap too). and didn't really think it would end up being serious anyways. but they likeeee each other a lot, and by the time she gets knocked up it's starting to get more serious. (funny side bar- in a rare moment of kindness towards meadow before they really start to become friends, josie covers for them to sneak off during a big ol wyoming get together with everyone. *that's* when she gets pregnant, which josie never lets go lmfao.)

i think i've posted before about rebecca or jeanie coming to jj's apartment and seeing meadow so at bare minimum *they* knew there was something going on there. but they "oh, dear me" smile and nodded and kept their mouths shut bc they also knew it would be a Mess.

thennn she gets pregnant and whoops now everyone has to know /: she tells jj when they're parked somewhere in his car, he kinda has a panic attack and then drives them both back to his parent's house because they'll know what to do. already knows curt is gonna kill him and wants mommy lmfao. *jj*. you big baby. (he grows up eventually, don't worry).

but they go back there and meadow tells jeanie who sits down realllly hard upon the news drop. gets croz from doing yard work, he sees how panicked all of them look and is like ??? is something wrong ?? and poor meadow just bursts into tears. bless her heart. she is curt made over and has categorically been quite a bit of trouble throughout her life, but she's a good girl at heart.

after a lot of "well, um" handwringing jean eventually says she'll tell curt and ken they need to come down to the house because they all need to talk about something. bry of course bc that's her fuckin. twin sister knows what she's been seeing jj and looks sooo guility when curt and ken are halfway out the door and tell her the crosby's are being weird saying meadow's at their house and that they need to talk about something. very awkwardly says she's gonna go with them and curt is like ??? do you know something we don't ?? and she's like uh (: no (: just worried about meadow 's all (:. texts her when they're in the car and has to clamp her hand over his mouth when meadow texts her back and clarifies what's going on.**

curt, as you can expect, lossessss it. is very very quiet for a moment just looking between meadow and jj with ken's hand on his shoulder. then he ends up snapping at bry first bc he realizes she knew they were seeing each other- asks if she knew her sister was pregnant and she's like no ?!?!?!. meadow gets upset and tells him to leave bry alone, and that's when he really snaps at her.

gets upset telling her he trusted her more than anything, she's always been such a smart girl what the /fuck/ got into your head you still have a few months until you're done with college you had /plans/. he's yelling at this point, croz tells him he needs to calm down because the shouting isn't doing shit and then he turns that pissed off-ness on jj and croz. says a lot of really mean shit about how croz failed as a parent- he's just like you, just as fucking embarrassing. gets really cruel to jj too and him and croz almost get physical over it bc croz is obviously defensive of his son. (at least until curt leaves, he lays into jj hard after he's gone. is embarrassed alongside just being really disappointed in him, and it takes some time and tears for their relationship to come back from that)

curt regrets this *a lot* down the line when that baby is his entire world plus some, but to begin with he's very much of the opinion that it would be for the better for meadow if she got an abortion. knows rationally he can't make her do anything, but is out his mind angry at jj, doesn't want meadow with him, and thinks a baby would just derail her life in a way he really doesn't want for her. at his core all of his upset is coming from not wanting his kid to struggle in life, and his heart is in the right place- even the intent/impact of his thought process doesn't line up.

but that suggestion makes meadow upset because she doesn't want to do that and feels like her dad is never gonna forgive her if he doesn't </3. (which is what her and josie get closer over, bc josie gets wind of that and is deeply pissed off that curt is making her feel that way).

he eventually lays off that particular topic and things get less rocky with time. but it's hard and tense for a while. ken isn't exactly thrilled about it all either either, but him and curt also have somewhat of a rough patch in everything bc he's the main voice telling curt he's being way too hard on meadow. lots of little squabbles about it all, and lots of ken trying to get it in his head that if he keeps it up he's going to drive their daughter away for good.

this is getting 80000 words too long, but tldr fast forward meadow ends up having quite a lot of complications w/ her pregnancy and has her baby really early. the baby makes it, but to begin with its touch and go for both the baby and meadow. it's a hard road, and that's what really shakes curt out of the stupor he'd spent all that time in. and what makes him (very very slowly) come around to jj because he sees how much he cares for meadow and their baby when things are as difficult as they are.

**meadow little miss live texter. sends the big 2nd gen groupchat a crying selfie from the bathroom mid everyone yelling in the living room and that's how they all find out. little punks all immediately tell their parents too lmfao. ken does find a little funny when he figures out *that* is why him and curt both started getting a bunch of calls/texts from everyone. bc meadow is a little ridiculous and their kids are narcs <3

[bad-science]

yo wait ur sister was arrested?? On your birthday??

🤪🤪 lol yUP. She’s… yeah. “A mess” doesn’t even begin to cover it. There’s a massive amount of detail spanning years that I can’t even put in a single post but I have no issue putting her on blast here LMAO. A bit of a vent I guess, Warning for mention of suicide, abuse, and sort of domestic violence

I’ll put it under a cut sjdhsj but the TLDR is she fought with her shitty bf and threw an empty soda can at him, threatened to kill herself and all the cops, and now has a charge for domestic violence.

Happy birthday to me!!!!! My life is a divine comedy and I am not laughing <3

The summary is that she’s a shit tier person who’s dating another shit tier person and they abuse each other until she threatens to kill herself, which she has done for basically the last 10 years if anybody tells her no about anything at all and if she doesn’t get her way. It’s always just a threat and she uses it to get attention and manipulate everyone around her - and I would NOT say this lightly. She is legitimately a sick and horrible person who has mistreated and abused me and my mother to the point of our own mental health reaching a very seriously bad state. I do believe she has some sort of mental illness which could be influencing her actions but my god she refuses to get any help and nothing we do or offer her is ever good enough. When she was a teenager a psychiatrist diagnosed her as a narcissist?? But nothing ever came of that and she never got treatment. (Auto-disclaimer that people with NPD are not automatically abusers, but my sister absolutely is one lol). She is also a compulsive liar and has made up outlandish lies since she was a literal toddler (another thing the psych pinpointed immediately, but again nothing was ever done about it since she outright refuses treatment unless she can abuse or sell prescription drugs.) Back then it wasn’t as big of an issue. But now I see it as a red flag.

Today at 6am I woke up to a call from my mom and learned that my sister had finally been arrested for “domestic violence”. According to her, and this may not be the full story, her boyfriend accused her of cheating (again) (she is a cheater but to my knowledge has not cheated on Him specifically). They fought. She threw an empty soda can at him?? And then he called the police who apparently drug her out and arrested her. They said she was resisting arrest, she says she wasn’t. Acab per usual but my sister is the type to actually fight the cops when she’s in this mental state.

She did in fact threaten to “come back and slit (the cops’) throats”, they asked if she knows that threatening an officer is a felony, and she said “well then I threaten you with everything EXCEPT that,” which is a normal thing to say… and then they put her in a straight jacket bc she was acting out and threatening everyone. Lol.

My mom went to bail her out, $1,300 later my sister was screaming bloody murder in the car, yelling FUCK YOU in my mom’s face over and over, and got even more angry when my mom would not drive her to her bf’s house “to kill him”. Somehow she has decided that all of this was our mother’s fault? Bc she cannot ever be wrong ever and flips out when she doesn’t get her way. She is 24 years old.

They came home, I heard her scream outside, she came in screaming the same typical fuck you’s and all at my mom, I was honestly trying not to laugh bc I’m so desensitized to it by now and everything she says is ridiculous. Then she stormed out and started walking barefoot down the road claiming to be going to her bf’s house. Refused to get in my dad’s car when he found her. Then she stopped at the lake, texted a picture to her bf, told him essentially “it’s ok, you’re setting me free.” The picture was of his shoes by the lake; her intention being that she thought it was perfectly horrible to leave his stuff in the place where she “planned” to kill herself. Specifically to manipulate him and scare him. Bc guess what! She didn’t do anything. She just wanted him to think of having to go to the place where she “died” to retrieve his shoes and feel like everything is all his fault. Again… she didn’t do anything and it was all a threat to guilt trip him.

Bf called the cops AGAIN not even 12 hours into her bail djdgjd but this time the cops did nothing. She is now as okay as she can be I guess, and… we’ll just have to weather the aftermath storm bc she takes a long ass time to stop treating all of us like shit. NEEDLESS TO SAY, if they don’t fuckin break up after this they’re both lost causes and they can drive each other crazy for all I care.

We are all exhausted and stressed and I put up my own birthday decorations… but I do have a lemon cake. So that’s nice.

[septemberpdf]

new developments.

yesterday in my apes class my friend A told me that the drama teacher went and met all of the people who are doing pit band for the musical. then i got out of class and the drama teacher stopped me in the hallway to tell me that she had asked the band director "so we want our tanya to interact and flirt with people in the band can you think of anyone who might be willing to do that back" (the drama teacher knows about my crush and is enabling it) and apparently the band director said "oh our piano 1 (leo) would be good for that". so now my flirting with him during the show is not just a me thing but also will now be coordinated with the band director and theater teacher and the choreographer (shoot me). then i told that friend A (who is also friends with leo) that i have feelings for him and did he have any advice and also i would appreciate if he didnt tell leo bc i dont want him to find out like this. he says okay & gives no good advice. i go to the band concert with my friends. leo steps onstage in concert blacks and i die a little. we are texting back and forth throughout the concert its great. after the concert i want to tell him that he looks nice but dont know how so its just a bit awkward and i tell him that someone in our gov class filed a report against our gov teacher and then i walk away and say see you on monday even though i knew i would probably see him again. find my other friends. one of them who was performing with the band says to me "sadie right before we went on i heard A say to leo "sadie is definitely not into you"" i lose it a little. leo comes back out and we talk and he walks with me out and then yells my name and waves when he drives by me walking to my dads car. i do not know what to do. i am lost. if i leave things as is i am letting him get the idea that i am "definitely not into him". if i say something and he doesn't reciprocate things become awkward as we do the show because apparently all of the performing arts department is conspiring to matchmake us. killing myself!

[liberty-barnes]

nobody asked but here's my opinion on the fitf songs

the greatest: the song that made me and @hellolovers13 become friends obviously I fucking love it. it's just so fucking beautiful and power coupley and ugh I'm love it so much

written all over your face: yk when I first say the title I thought it was gonna be a sad moody song but turns out it's literally just "when you're finished pouting, can I put it in you?" and yk what I'm here for it. the hey babe makes me fucking melt. if sex was a song this would be it. no control's freaky little sister

bigger than me: I would first of all like to acknowledge that my mum loves this song and sings along to it all the title so this is a win. this shows off just how powerful louis' voice really is, something that walls didn't really do, and it's just so great because we've gotten to the point where louis feels confident enough in his voice and in our support to know that he can hit those notes and we will back him up? king shit

lucky again: this makes me want to get into a car and go on a road trip with the windows down just breathing in the late night summer air. I don't have a license. it's also no longer summer.

face the music: again I would just like to acknowledge that my dad vibed along to this song happily (until he recognised louis' voice at which point he pretended he hated it but I fell flat cause now I know he loves louis). I don't wanna face the music but I still wanna dance with you? can you be any more closeted gay coding? gorgeous literally love it so much

chicago: will always remind me of zouis and myri's fic, both of which get me to immediately break down sobbing. so needless to say, I absolutely fucking love it, it's gorgeous. and the I didn't have to search cause I still know. your. num. ber. kills me every time

all this time: i feel like this and lucky again are connected, but that also may be just because they make me feel the exact same things aka get into a car and drive with the windows down while enjoying the fresh summer night air despite the fact that it's autumn and if I got into a car I would most likely crash it

out of my system: scream jump dance pop punk louis stans rise my god it's just so amazing, the perfect jump along song. i wish I had more words other than go absolutely feral but I don't so yeah I leave you with this

headline: this is my wine aunt swaying along to every song dance song. also yes baby you go throw the money grabbers out your life you deserve so much better. just listen and vibe and throw your middle finger up for all the shallow people in your life

saturdays: this song makes me ascend. but also I just wanna stare at a wall while listening to it and hope that somehow the answers to all my life's problems will magically appear because this seems like the song that would do it you know

silver tongues: this makes me wanna have friends and do stupid shit like get drunk and get high. but then it ends and I remember that I can't drink bc I'm on the mental stability tic tacs. and also I hate people and socialising.

she is beauty we are world class: when we first got the track list and said this one would be banger and I was fucking right. gives me very 2010s vibes too no idk why it just does. amazing. tattoo it on my brain pls and thank you

common people: louis just woke up one day and said hmm what if I wrote a love song for Donny and then that's exactly what he did. I wanna live there. this makes it sound so wholesome and peaceful and kind and just ugh I want that

angels fly: myri told me that the first time they listened to it they thought louis said we can talk to mama instead of we can talk tomorrow and I think of it every time I hear the song now. it already got me in my feels before but this just made it worse. literally amazing I have no words. makes me wanna have him as my emotional support friend.

holding on to heartache: the BRIDGE I actually go feral when I listen to it just scream it at the top of my lungs, I fucking hope this is played on tour cause otherwise I might actually cry I fucking need this okay I need my scream at the world like a fucking psycho moment it will be so cathartic

that's the way love goes: beautiful soft princess song gives me be alright by dean lewis vibes it's just so sweet and loving and like it's okay you're gonna be fine, we're all here for you I've never had my heart broken romantically but I can still feel the support healing parts of me I never knew were broken

changes: i need the studio version on spotify Mr Tomlinson but cool I'll just hear it downloaded like that for now it's cool. the bridge is a fucking masterpiece. if you need you can call on me I feel so supported and not at all alone this whole album just feels like a big warm hug from louis

high in california: I have never smoked a day in my life but this goes right next to my chase atlantic songs in my shotgun with a hot girl in my lap playlist. I want a hot girl in my lap. but ig this will do for now. amazing

paradise: this should be on fucking spotify it's literally so good louis what the fuck. it gets me pumped for the day. just so good. literally I have no words it's like musical paradise (HA!) for me. just yes.

[noro-noro-noro]

First I dreamed I was visiting my friend on short notice and hadn't even booked a return ticket yet . there were a lot of trials and tribulations, but it was a direct flight. I remember there was a mall, so le kind of drill sergeant hollering at all of us innthr mall, and we finally ended up on a bus. some people I know that are engaged were also on the bus.. when I finally got off the bus @ my friend it wasn't right.his house was huge and full of large animal skeletons & a lot of people i didn't know. I was still happy to see him but I knew I'd wake up befre we could hang out and I did

then i dreamed something was happening at some super tech scifi version of my school, some kind was getting blackmailed by the principal. we wanted to stop it from happening so we turned invisible and eavesdropped but instead accidentally incited smth. all these glass jars broke one after th le other. there were these growling sounds. we tried killing the principal who was a robot thing creature to make it stop but it didnt. it was scary. the lights went down and started flashing red and there were sounds from inside ethe school. I knew what happened & it was really really really bad. I jumoed out the first floor window and landed badly and sloced my right foot open. there was a girl lying on the grounf that had been pushed into a firework and her left leg had a huge gaping hole in it and was half severed. I helped her anyway. my friends and I tried to escape we were hopping away from the school. I had my car keys. we got to my car and someone else had to drive since my right good was bleeding and sticky everywhere. even though we drove fast there was an eyeless puppet that caught up with the car and growled at us. it told me to call my dad and tell him what I'd done - I think it had thought he woulf be mad at me, but I knew he would try to help. I called him & said "hey dad, I really fucked up this time. I got involved in a situation that I didn't know enough about and people died and now I'm in danger. they're hunting me down. " & he said "we'll come home. let's see what we can do about it " & I was then in my mom's eniyhborhood. the car was gone and I was trying to maintain invisiblity but this dog puppet zombie cyborg thing was still following. it had blood all over the mouth which immediately told me what happened to my friends. my dad saw me wppear outside and started to come out front m my mom's house but I told him to go back in the dog would hurt him. it blocked us both from going inb but we tried to keep it away from us, mostly me, by going into the garage and throwing a ball over it's head. sometimes it would behave normally but more often it ran to me and started taking chunks out of my legs. my dad realized I probably wouldn't survive here, so we just played catch over its head until I bled out and died. I woke up before I died. then my dad came upstairs & said "wow busy day at work huh" bc i was still lying in bed & i felt a little better

[dnalkaline]

I don't even know why the fuck I try anymore.

It feels like everything important to me always feels the need to be ripped out in the worst way possible.

Every time I try saving up for a vacation or to go to an event I've always wanted to go to, I end up having some kind of freak accident or health issue that makes me pay out the ass from the money I saved up and then if I can still go I basically have to walk around broke.

And the worst part is, after I nearly died because my dad refuses to ever do checkups on his car and assured me the brakes etc. were completely fine (despite that thing being a death trap), he keeps refusing responsibility and keeps going "it was fine :/// idk what happened" despite literally everyone who looked at the car report said that if I tried to drive home that night, my car WOULD have had the tie rod snap and the rusted breaks would have immediately caused me to spin out of control on the highway and probably kill me. It's like he doesn't even care. He didn't have any reaction when he was told about this. I almost started crying because he's supposed to be the "good" parent but... idk. It always feels like people SAY they care about me just to make themselves feel better but people rarely actually SHOW they do.

Being in poverty would be enough but my life just feels the need to be gut punch after gut punch. I lose inheritance that was promised to me that would immediately make my life insanely easier at the drop of a hat just bc the person (has repeatedly) decided to change their mind and sell it for themself or give it to someone else. Everyone I've ever truly loved IRL as family has been taken from me and released from this mortal coil. And now with my brain disease I'm starting to lose the only thing I ever really prided myself on- my mind.

After the pandemic made everyone's finances eat shit, nobody wants my art anymore (right when I was starting to gain some traction!) and I have to spend my time bending over backwards for a bunch of really demanding gig work that I didn't even really have a choice in doing.

I'm too disabled to work a "real" job but too mentally competent that I got denied and even if I do EVENTUALLY win it could take years to get SSI and my rights as a human being will be limited. I used to try to put my foot in the door for like webcomic startups and shit like that as a contracted worker and every single time I get hired the company goes under and I barely have anything to show for it. I want to submit to the local art gallery to maybe get my works out there and possibly find someone who wants to buy them but there's a fee to it and I just. idk.

I keep trying to make myself feel better and less "useless" by donating old stuff or giving it to friends who might need it. And usually this helps but. I don't know. I don't even know how to talk to people about this because to be honest my therapist is kind of stumped on how to help me now. Like she's trying her best and she does have good advice it's just there's only so much you can do when there are circumstances out of your control beating the shit out of you constantly. And I can't afford to be sent to the mental hospital and even if I WAS, the last time I was there was so traumatizing due to the racism and negligence that I don't want to go back.

Maybe it would be better if I had some IRL friends to hang out with more but most of the guys I would hang out with either committed suicide or I stopped talking to them because I realized that I wasn't being treated very well. I don't know what to do. My therapist assures me I'm constantly just being dealt a bad hand of cards and I'm doing my best but I don't care anymore. I hate being alive. I hate my life so much.

I don't even know why the fuck I'm writing this. I guess I just want it to be known *somewhere* that I haven't been very well for a very long time and if I just randomly disappear one day you can all probably guess what happened. I'm not going to do anything stupid tonight but I've been fighting the urge near-daily for the past few months while trying to pretend I can keep making it through. I don't know. I just want everything to stop I wish miracles were real. I hate how you can fight depression and suicide ideation for over a decade and it feels like it's never gets much better.

It doesn't help I keep having this OCD fear that I'm going to die before my next birthday and all the stuff lately is freaking me out.

I'm crying too hard to keep typing and looking at what im typing so idk if you read all this thanks ill probably feel better after a nap or something but everything just feles so fucking exhausting

[yourenothingbutnottome]

what the actual heck

Soooo I was just going through old fanfics I wrote for myself, looking for anything good, and I found this monstrosity of a beginning of a Twilight fanfiction LMAO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON BC IN MY DESCRIPTION / NOTES TO MYSELF I SAID IT WAS A PAUL FIC???? BUT SHE OUT HERE THRUSTING HER B00BS @ DOC CULLEN?? Anyways, if you want to be embarrassed with me and read whatever this is, here you go

Summary: 1st person POV, Bella's sister meets Carlisle for the first time and absolutely makes a fool of herself

T/W: Second hand embarrassment so hard that you will want to burn your phone

I didn’t think there was such a person in the world who could be any clumsier than me. But, enter my sister, Bella Swan, back home to Forks, Washington, and within a week, she’s already managed to get herself almost killed in a car accident. Not entirely her fault, I suppose, but still. The girl can really make an impression.

I hadn’t seen her in literal years before her moving here. Face to face, that is. We of course kept in touch through Facetime. Technology is a wonderful thing. Despite being my twin, she is the exact opposite of me in just about every way. Where she is introverted and quiet, I am obnoxiously peppy and I admittedly demand attention. Which is probably why I ended up staying with dad after the divorce. I’m more my mom, and two aggressively dominant personalities together? Bella would have suffered. So, old Charlie was blessed with raising the loud, rambunctious one. Though, honestly, Bella has turned out to be more work than she puts off. Girl is in the hospital already, refusing to call mom. 

“Come on Bells,” our dad pleads with her.

“You shouldn’t have told her.”

“Bella,” I groan. “Spare us the dramatics. Call her before she books the next flight out.”

“Yea, you’re right,” she mumbles, looking down at her phone. I assume she’s starting a text to our mother, while our father threatens to take Tyler’s license away. Tyler. He’s always been in my friend group. Good guy. He really is good people, and I know damn well that it wasn’t his intention to hurt Bella. Although, the guy has been driving in Forks for long enough to know how to drive in the rain and the snow, so who knows what really happened behind that wheel. 

Just as I had pulled my own phone out to start scrolling through Instagram, the double doors open. I unscrew the cap to my water bottle and take a drink. Because hydration.

“I heard the Chief’s daughter was in.” I glance up to meet the eyes of the one Dr. Carlisle Cullen. And in typical clumsy Swan girl fashion, I choke on my water at the sight of him. As I cough, it spills onto my shirt.

“Jesus, Y/N,” Bella laughs. “Wrong hole?” I blush. Wrong hole indeed. 

“Yea, something like that.” I look back to Dr. Cullen, completely embarrassed. I clearly knew his kids were attractive, but the man that stood before me? I would probably die for him. I’ve seen my fair share of attractive men - yes men, we don’t stan inexperienced boys ‘round here - but no one has ever called for more than a glance of my attention. The way he was looking at me through his lashes - oh, those gorgeous eyes. Gold? Strange, but it fits him in a way that no other would be able to flaunt. His hair was just begging for me to run my fingers through it. And, maybe a bit weird, but he’s got a really wonderfully shaped nose. The nose can make or break the face, and I was a puddle before Dr. Cullen. As if everything that is good in this world has been embodied in this one man, and to save him would be to save mankind entirely. Yup. I would definitely die for him.

Dr. Cullen stands stiffly, obviously making an attempt at avoiding my eyes. Am I paying too much attention to him? Most definitely. Am I going to stop? Definitely not. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. Want to, that is. I’d been living in Forks my whole life and this is the first time I’ve encountered this Adonis of men, there’s no way that I’m going to let this moment go without even attempting to remember every inch of his face. Who knows when, or if, I’d ever seen him again.

“Uh, yea. Bella,” my sister says, distracting me from my admiration. I do take this moment to blush, again, and look down. What kind of crazy, obsessed, stalker, psycho weirdo, whatever other creepy name you can think of, am I? I hate people that do exactly what I’m doing right now. I feel like such a child. So immature. What do they call that? Oh. A schoolgirl crush, that’s right. How validating.

Bella elbows me and I realize that everyone was staring at me expectantly. “Oh!” I seriously want to disappear. How much more childish and oblivious can a person get? “Bella.” I point. And then deadpan. Bella is Bella’s name. Not my name. “Handsome.” I cringe. Why am I so flustered right now? What is talking? “Not me handsome. You handsome. No, I mean” I cover my face with my hand as if it would hide me from the shame of this moment. “Y/N. My name is Y/N.”

My dad looks absolutely confused, whereas Bella is having no trouble laughing at me. Dr. Cullen only nods, the muscles in his jaw twitching ever slightly. He’s annoyed. He thinks I’m dumb. He can’t wait to leave. Oh my god, talk about the embarrassing underage crush on a grown man. Gross. I hate myself right now. Have I mentioned that I want to disappear yet?

Ignoring me completely, he focuses solely on Bella. “Well, Bella, looks like you took quite a spill. How do you feel?” I’d never been jealous of Bella before in my life, but, what I would give to be the girl who almost got hit by the car, sitting on that hospital bed with Dr. Cullen shining his flashlight into my face.

“Good,” she replies, still giggling under her breath. Traitor.

He continues, still ignoring us. I notice he still remains frigid, stiff, tense. It actually seems like he wasn’t breathing. Like he had stopped inhaling the moment he entered the room. “You might experience some post-traumatic stress, or disorientation. But your vitals are good. No signs of any head trauma. I think you’ll be just fine.” He flashes a million dollar smile at her, though it was only a slight lifting of the corners of his mouth. He is beyond dazzling. Still. I’m ready to die for him. Smile at me. Look at me. Breathe. Something. Please. As if sensing my longing, he briefly settles his eyes on me, only to rip them away just as fast, muscles tensing even more, if that was even possible.

Bella being Bella uses this opportunity to talk about his son, attempting to get some kind of reaction out of him, she says, “You know, it would have been a lot worse if Edward wasn’t there. He knocked me out of the way.” I look at Bella like she’s got a screw loose. I know damn well that Edward was across the lot with the rest of his family this morning, nowhere near her. She gives me an exasperated look as if to say ‘I know’. “It was amazing. I mean, he got to me so fast. He was nowhere near me.”

Clever girl. She’s baiting him. He gives nothing away, ever composed. “Sounds like you were very lucky. Charlie.” he nods his head to him as a goodbye. “Bella,” he does the same nod for her. Waiting to hear my name roll from his tongue, he simply turns and leaves the room without a word, not even a glance in my direction. I feel everything inside of me sink and shrivel into nothing at his cool brush of rejection. I don’t know what I expected. I don’t know what I was waiting for. But it wasn’t that. 

My dad rolls his eyes at me, helping Bella out of bed. 

“I’ve got to go sign some paperwork,” he clears his throat awkwardly. “Make sure you call your mom.” He walks off, leaving me alone with Bella.

I quickly look away, just as she lets out the laugh I know she had been holding in the entire time. “Handsome,” she mimics me, raising her voice an octave, “Not me. You handsome. Dr. Cullen you’re so pretty. Dr. Cullen you’re so handsome. Oh, Dr. Cullen, you can check me out. Look at me. Notice me.”

“Oh shove off,” I laugh, lightly pushing her shoulder, walking away from her.

“Oh come on, no way! You always make fun of me. And finally Miss. Perfect Composure falters? You get all giddy and can’t talk? No way I’m letting you live this down.”

“Oh my god, Bella,” I bury my face in both my hands, groaning. I peek out again, brushing my hair back, then glance at her, my face in a grimace. “Was I that obvious?”

“Y/N. Seriously. That obvious? You made the poor man practically run from the room.”

We look at each other for a second and then both proceed to laugh together. We round the corner, still laughing, when we overhear the Cullens bickering amongst each other.

“What was I supposed to do? Let her die?” Edward asks his family. Bella and I look at each other, simultaneously quieting our laughter and tiptoeing back behind the corner, as if we’re one being. I love our twin power. Reading minds without reading minds. Oh, I forgot. Just in case anyone is reading my mind right now, I scream as loud as I can in my head. At that exact moment, I swear Edward visibly flinches and looks right at me. My eyes widen and I quickly move to stare at Bella. We’re caught. 

“Maybe we should continue this in my office.” I don’t need to look to know that was the angelic voice of one Dr. Carlisle Cullen. He thought he could run from me. Little does he know of the persistence that is Y/N.  If he wants to play a game, boy can I play. You’ve got no idea what you’re in for Dr. Cullen. Before walking to them, I look to Bella, look down at her chest really quick, and then back to her eyes - our code for “Do I look like I could stop traffic? I.E. Are my boobs okay?”. She winks at me, meaning, yes. I pull my shoulders back, flip my hair back, and push them out just the tiniest bit, paying extra attention to my walk. I wink back at Bella, a “I’ll see you at home.” 

I swear, as I start towards the Cullen family, Edward is trying his best to hold in a laugh. “Dr. Cullen!” I greet. “Before my sister and I leave, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions. I’m actually hoping to be a surgeon one day, and, well, the guidance of reputable mentors in the medicinal field in Forks seems to be a bit lacking.”

“Oh, you’re interested in medicine?” He asks, forcefully.  Don’t worry, Dr. Cullen. I’ll break you.

“Passionately.” Lie. I don’t even know what those headphone things he wears around his neck are called. But if he’s medicine, then I’m interested. Really, I’m into literature, who isn’t nowadays?

[leossmoonn]

Play Ground Days

masterlist

pairing - carl gallagher x fem!reader

type - fluff

note / request - “ughh FINALLY someone that writes good imagines abt carl from shameless! could you write one where you two grew up together and you've always been close n stuff and then at some point he realizes he loves the reader and he talks to ian and lip (maybe mickey too bc i love him) about it? (fem!reader btw if that's cool) thanks babe xx” thanks for inspo on the beginning @poesflygirl​ <3 ,,, carl and you are 16 also pls dont come for me ive only played COD 2 times last year so lmao i dont remember a lot about it, enjoy!

summary - carl has liked you since you two were young, and seeks advice from his brothers and mickey

warnings - strong language, drugs and alcohol, little talk about bad body imagine 

————

*gif isnt mine*

“I fucking knew it!” Lip exclaimed.

“Why are you telling us? We’ve known this.” Ian commented, smirking at his little brother.  

“How the hell—” Carl started. 

“You’re not exactly great at hiding your crush on her,” Mickey chuckled. 

Carl’s eyes were the size of saucers. “You knew?”

“Of course I did. I’m not fucking Helen Keller,” Mickey rolled his eyes. 

Carl groaned and ran his hands roughly through his hair. “I can’t believe this. Well, secret’s out, I guess. What do I do?”

“Just go tell her you like her. It’s not like she’s going to turn you down.” Lip shrugged, putting his cigarette to his lips. 

“Lip!” Ian hit his brother’s shoulder. 

“What?” Lip asked. 

“You weren’t supposed to say that, dumbass,” Mickey said.

 “What does that mean?” Carl asked, looking in-between his brother’s and Mickey. 

Lip sighed. “Ah, shit, right. I’ve already said too much.”

————

4 hours earlier: 2:00 PM

“Hey, shit head!” She called out, throwing rocks against the window. 

Carl got up from his bed, shocked but happy to see her. He opened his window, leaning against the frame. 

“What’re you doing here?” He asked.

She threw the rocks to the ground. “Escaping from my druggie dad, duh. What’re you doing?”

“Nothing,” Carl shrugged. 

She did her signature smirk that always made Carl’s heart flutter. “Wanna go and stuff our faces at Patsy’s Pies?”

Carl’s eyes lit up at the mention of fatty, greasy food. “Hell yeah. I’ll come down.”

She nodded, going to the front of their house. Carl ran down the stairs, putting on his shoes and opening the door to find her on the steps. 

“Hey, why didn’t you just come into the house?” Carl asked, shutting the door behind him. 

“Putting damage on your window seemed more fun. Oh, hey! Do you have an extra bed I can sleep in tonight?” She asked. 

Carl nodded. “Yeah, of course. Your dad is that bad, huh?”

“Yep, he relapsed. Super fun,” she laughed sarcastically. 

“I’m sorry. That shit sucks,” Carl said.

She shrugged. “Yeah, well, it’s life. Anyways, ready to go?”

Carl nodded. They got into her car, the girl starting it and driving fast to the dinner. As she was driving, humming to the songs on the radio, Carl stared at her. She was absolutely gorgeous. 

Her name was Y/n L/n. Carl’s oldest and only real friend. They had grown up together, Y/n living only a few houses away from him. They had met in detention in 1st grade and had been close ever since. 

“What’re you staring at?” Y/n asked, glancing over to him. 

Carl blushed. “Nothing.”

“Alright,” Y/n sang.

Carl had often been caught staring at her. It was something he usually did from time to time, but now it was more often. He couldn’t help it. There was something about her. Maybe flawless her skin was, how pretty and bright her smile and eyes were, the way she would make him feel secure and loved, something he had never got from anyone consitently. 

He never really knew why he thought those things about her. People had told him that he probably had a crush on her, but he knew that wasn’t right. He had crushes on girls before and the things he was feeling for Y/n were a lot different than what he had felt for his past girlfriends. He figured it was just that she was his closest friend and he happened to be a horny teenager, so naturally, he just thought those things about her. But oh, how wrong he actually was. 

Y/n parked her car at Patsy’s Pies. They walked into the diner, seeing Fiona at the register. 

“Hey, Fi,” Y/n smiled. 

“Hey, Y/n, Carl! Long time, no see. How are ya?” Fiona asked. 

“Good, good,” Y/n smiled. 

“Good,” Carl said. 

“Great! Well, get yourself seated and someone will be right with you,” she smiled. 

Y/n and walked off to a small booth and sat down. They picked up the menus that were already on the table. 

“You gonna get your usual?” Y/n asked. 

Carl shrugged. “Maybe. Should I change it up?”

“Yes. The double bacon cheeseburger looks good,” Y/n said. 

“Are you getting that?” Carl asked. 

“Maybe. I’ll probably get a salad or something. Gotta watch those calories, you know?” She half-joked, putting a hand on her stomach. 

“I think you look good. You don’t need to worry,” Carl smiled. 

Y/n’s eyes widened. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Carl nodded. 

Y/n looked back at the menu, hiding her embarrassment.

Carl complimenting her was something that was rare, but did happen. Y/n never remembered Carl as a romantic type of guy, but it seems that he had developed  those traits from having a few girlfriends. She liked that, actually. She liked him complimenting her, staring at her for minutes at a time, the way his ears would turn red when she teased him. She liked all of that. 

Y/n would never admit it to anyone, but she had a crush on Carl. She had a crush on him since their freshman year of high school. Well, in reality, she probably has always had one, but the first time she really realised she liked him was in biology when he got in trouble in one of the labs. She remembered when the teacher was yelling at him and he looked at her, smiling at her mischievously and winking at her. That wink had her heart racing and mind go foggy. From then on, she had liked him as more than a friend. Yet, she never said anything because well, as cliche as it was, she was afraid of ruining their friendship. He was really the only one who got her and who never abandoned her. She couldn’t lose him, so she just kept her feelings and gestures to him as friendly as she could.  

“Hi, I’m Carly and I’ll be serving you today. What can I get you today?” The waitress asked. 

“Hi, can I get the philly cheesesteak with a medium coke and fries,” Carl ordered. 

Carly nodded and wrote his order down, turning to Y/n. 

“Um, I’ll get the bacon cheeseburger with a small sprite and fries. Thanks,” Y/n ordered. 

Carly took their menus. “Great. I’ll have your drinks out soon.”

Y/n and Carl smiled at the waitress as she walked away. 

“Hey, so I thought your dad was in rehab,” Carl said. 

Y/n sighed. “He was, but I guess his girlfriend got him drunk, then convinced him to do some lines. God, I can’t believe he's even with her still.”

Carl frowned. “What about your mom? Where’s she?”

“She’s going to nursing school right now. She’s the only one responsible in this family, yet she never calls or anything,” she scoffed.

“You’re really responsible,” Carl said. 

Y/n smiled. “Thanks, C. You are, too.”

Carl laughed, “Me? I sold drugs on the streets once.”

She giggled. “True. But you’ve really shaped. I'm proud.”

Carl smiled sheepishly. “Thanks.”

Y/n hummed a ‘you’re welcome’. Carly came back with their food quickly and they dug in. Carl and Y/n spent their time talking and eating, spending about 2 hours there as they just kept talking. 

“Are you two finished?” Carly asked, gesturing to their empty plates. 

“Yeah,” Carl nodded. 

“Great. Here’s your bill, pay whenever you’re ready,” Carly smiled and took their dirty dishes. 

“Ready to go?” Y/n asked. 

Carl nodded and got out his wallet that he had in his shorts. Meanwhile, Y/n also got out her wallet. They both looked up at each other, awkward expressions on their faces. 

“Oh, I was gonna pay,” Carl said. “No, no, my treat. I invited you here,” Y/n said. 

“You sure?” Carl asked. 

She smiled and put a hand on his arm. “Yes, I am, Carl.”

Butterflies irrupted in Carl’s stomach as she touched him. He nodded slowly, putting his credit card away. Y/n and him walked up to the register and paid for their meal. They then went back to Y/n car. 

“What do you wanna do now?” Y/n asked. 

“Wanna play COD Black Ops 3?” Carl asked. 

“Yes!” Y/n smiled. She drove them back to his house, parking haphazardly on the street. 

The two hurried into the house, grabbing a seat on the couch. Carl got the controllers, turning onto the playstation. Y/n logged onto her account, selecting the gun she wanted to use. Carl then started the game. 

“Where are you?” Y/n squinted her eyes at the screen. 

“Right behind you,” Carl smirked. 

Y/n turned around, gasping as Carl shot her. 

“Fuck you!” Y/n exclaimed. 

“Little rusty, huh?” Carl teased. She rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna kill you next round.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Carl said. 

“Winner gets to pick what’s for dinner,” Y/n said. 

“Deal,” Carl nodded. 

The pair played for a couple hours, the game ending with Y/n getting the last kill. 

“Good game,” she smirked, setting the controller down. 

“I forgot how good you were at this,” Carl frowned. Y/n giggled, “I forgot how bad you were.”

Carl rolled his eyes with a smile. “Alright, where do you want to eat?”

“Hm… Noodles n Company?” She suggested. 

“Sure,” Carl nodded. 

“Alright, I’m gonna use the bathroom and then order. Text me what you want,” Y/n said, getting up from the couch. 

Carl nodded and watched her go upstairs to use the bathroom. Then that’s when Lip, Ian, and Mickey all came into the house. 

“Hey, guys,” Carl said. 

“Hey,” Ian smiled. 

“Is Y/n here? We saw her car out front,” Lip said. “Yeah, she is,” Carl nodded. 

“Asked her out yet?” Lip smirked. Carl’s face turned red. “Wh-What?”

“Oh, you’re not in love with her then?” Ian furrowed his brows. 

“I… am I?” Carl asked. 

Ian chuckled. “Yeah. You always are always happy around her, blush whenever she teases you.”

“And you’re always staring at her,” Lip added.

“That doesn’t mean I like her,” Carl said.

“Do feel dizzy and nauseous when she touches you? Does your heart race when she gets close? Do you see yourself kissing her? Would you do anything for her?” Ian asked. 

Carl furrowed his brows. They were right, all those things did happen when she was near. She was his best friend. He also sometimes think about kissing her and being with her in a romantic way. And yeah, of course he would do anything for her. Maybe… Maybe he did love her. 

“Oh, shit,” he muttered. “I… I guess I am in love with her.”

And that, ladies and gents, is where we left off. Lip, Ian, and Mickey teased Carl until Carl begged them for real help. 

“What do you mean?” Carl asked anxiously. 

Lip looked to Ian and Mickey for help on what to say. Little did Carl know, Y/n actually did admit her crush to someone. And that someone, or someones, were Lip, Ian, and Mickey. 

“Don’t worry about it, man,” Mickey said. 

“Did she say something to you?” Carl asked. “No,” Ian shook his head. “Like Mick said, don’t worry.”

“I… fine. Well, what do I do then?” Carl asked in slight distress.

“Give her some flowers and chocolate. Girls love that shit,” Lip suggested. 

“Alright,” Carl nodded. “I don’t know what her favourite flowers are, though.”

“Just get her roses. That’s really romantic,” Lip said. 

Carl smiled, “Alright. Awesome. Thanks, guys.”

He decided to get the flowers early morning tomorrow before Y/n woke up. 

————

Carl sneaked back into the house, hoping not to wake Y/n up. As he walked into the kitchen, he was shocked to see her at the table drinking coffee. 

“Hey, Carl!” Y/n smiled. 

Carl’s eyes were blown wide. “I.. uh…”

“Who are those for?” Y/n got up and pointed to the flowers and chocolate in his hand. 

“Um… you?” Carl said. Y/n smiled. “Me? What did I do to deserve this?”

Carl knew that he couldn’t make up an excuse. He was horrible at lying to her. So, he decided to just have his confession here. 

“I.. I’m in love with you,” Carl said. Y/n’s jaw dropped and she froze. “Wha-What?”

“My brothers and Mickey helped me realise I was yesterday when you were ordering dinner. They told me I should get you flowers and stuff so I did. I hope you like roses,” Carl explained and held up the gifts. 

Y/n’s lips upturned in a wide smile. “How long have you liked me?”

“Honestly, probably since we were little,” Carl shrugged sheepishly. 

Y/n giggled. “Me, too.”

“Really?” Carl smiled. 

Y/n waked up to him and took the gifts, setting them on the kitchen counter. She went up to him and put her arms around his neck. 

“Yep. I always have,” she grinned. 

“Oh, sick!” Carl exclaimed. “Oh wait.”

“What?” Y/n asked in confusion. 

“That’s what they meant!” Carl exclaimed in realisation.

“Who? What?” “Oh, Lip, Mickey, and Ian kind of told me yesterday when I asked for help,” Carl explained. 

Y/n’s eyes widened and she turned to the stairs, glaring. “Mickey, Lip, Ian! You better fucking run!”  

————

Like and Reblog!

add yourself to the taglist here

taglist (crossed out means i couldnt tag)

@kaitieskidmore1 @the-anxious-youth @little-miss-naill @powerpuffluuvv

[yourmidnightlover]

all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

-

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

taglist:

@averyhotchner

@greenprisca

@muffin-cup

@spenxerslut

@spencerreid9

@spencyreidpls

@spencerreid9

@spencersmagic

@calm-and-doctor

@the-local-pendeja

@spencersrose

@spencersmagic

@shemarmooresfedora

@pastelbabygirl19

if you’d like to be added to the taglist, please don’t hesitate to message me or leave a comment!

[gra-sonas]

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the malex scene if you don’t mind! I am completely obsessed with it and I have this thing where I love to read people and blog’s I respect opinions on stuff and sometimes I see different moments through a different lense and realize something I didn’t pick up on before. Did you have a favorite moment or facial expression or anything like that??

"Obsessed" is putting it mildly, IT'S SO GOOD!!!

Okay, lemme see. [this got LONG, sorry]

So, Michael is convinced that he's the one who's going to be killed, and since he's learned that he's likely the offspring of a "genocidal maniac", he's probably convinced himself that he actually deserves to die, bc his life's been a shit show most of the time anyway, and better get rid of him before he can hurt anyone, right? But since he's Michael, he has to make it a joke, and pretend like it doesn't actually bother him all that much. COWBOY SWAGGER

And instead of being devastated about the news, or confirming that yes, Michael is indeed an awful person and deserves to be murdered, Alex laughs!

He knows Michael so well, and he's like "dude, you're not even trying, that's not the Michael Guerin I know."

Oh, but two can play that game, right? "Well, you always did see the violence in me, didn't you," Michael throws at Alex. And while, yes, Alex struggled with Michael getting in fights all the time after the shed incident, I don't believe for a second that he ever thought of Michael as a violent person.

So, Alex is like "WTF are you talking about???"

Ohhhh, now Michael's firing (ha!) on all cylinders, he's serving Alex a double-whammy:

"I could never do the right thing" (i.e. 1x03 "Guess you're still the guy just looking for any excuse to walk away, huh?")

"Turns out neither could my father." THE DADDY CARD! Bc if anyone would know about having a shitty dad, it would be Alex.

Alex is mildly irritated about how Michael would know about his father, but Michael won't go into how he found out, all it matters is that Alex gets it. Fast. "He was a killer. Genocidal maniac, actually." That should do the trick of shocking Alex, right? It should make him stop being amused and so fucking nonchalant about Michael's struggles.

And what does Alex do? He laughs. Again! How does he not take Michael seriously? How dare he? Michael's so full of rage, and he wants to fight now, but Alex doesn't do what he's supposed to do, and Michael doesn't know how to handle it.

Alex sees right through Michael. And he's clapping back.

"Wow, you must've loved that." Hitting the bullseye with that one.

"You've been looking for proof that you were worthless your whole life." BAM, this one's also spot-on!

But Michael still has a lot of fight left in him. Self-deprecation FTW! "What can I say? I had a hunch."

Michael "I'VE BEEN TERRIBLE ALL ALONG" Guerin

Surely, now Alex has to understand what Michael's telling him, and show some goddamn compassion, or leave (which would give Michael the ultimate excuse to explode and be even more mad).

Alex is just setting up the ultimate trap tho. "Look, if you're your father, then I'm mine. Which means I have a lot of torturing to do before the end of the night, so excuse me."

Even a genius like Michael will get the ~logic of this argument.

And Michael's like

"It's not, it's not the same," Michael says, because, HELL NO, of course, Alex is NOT his father.

"No, it is. I hate to break it to you, Guerin, but there's not some special set of rules that applies just to you. You decide who you are. If you give up, it is on you." Alex beats Michael with logic (and also tells him to stop with the self-loathing and self-pity), and damn if that isn't the most beautiful thing.

🤯 << Michael's brain after this. All the anger that had been fueling him mere moments ago, seems to have left his body in that moment.

He looks at Alex, who's getting into his car to drive off while mulling over what Alex just said. He turns around to leave and...

Alex tells him to wait, and Michael's curls are getting whiplash from how fast Michael turns back around to Alex. He's ready and willing to let Alex continue with hammering home some truths to him.

A "Wait. In Maria's vision, I say that I am covering up a murder, right?" M "Yeah." A "It's not you." M "You can't know that."

Uhm, hello, have you met Alex Manes? He wouldn't say that it's not Michael if he wasn't sure of it. But Michael's certain that there's no way it isn't him, so really, what proof could Alex possibly have?

"Yes, I can. If it were you, I would not cover it up."

The face of a man who can't believe what Alex just said, trying to swallow around a huge lump in his throat. 🥺

And then.

And then.

AND THEN

"I would burn the entire world down first."

🥺😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺😭

HE'S CRYING OMGGGGGG 😭😭😭😭 (Damn you, Vlamis for acting with your face like that 😭😭😭)

That's as close to Alex saying I LOVE YOU (present tense) as they've ever come [on screen], and Michael knows it. And fuck, if that doesn't hit him deep down, to the very core of him. (It's also a signal that there's probably still hope for them, and maybe, just maybe their time has finally come)

And the other thing is: Alex just made a point in telling him that A/ children are NOT their parents (unless they want to), and B/ there's actually a good chance that it's really not Michael getting murdered.

So, yeah. I want a gravestone that can play videos, and I want it to play this scene on repeat for all of eternity. Please and thank you!