#and my adhd ass is kind of a nightmare with people that don't talk a lot

[vamptastic]

turns out there has been another jew in religion class the Entire Time he is just very quiet and hates the class

[maladaptive-daydreaming-aphant]

me before hanging out with a new group of people: i'm gonna be so normal and not obnoxious this time. i need to be Normal and Not Obnoxious this time please let me be a socially Competent human being for once in my fucking life—

everyone else after 5 minutes of dealing with my obnoxious ass, probably:

[crankycalcifer]

Hey I saw your post about asking a sex and gender therapist and I wanted to know, what are some resources to get top surgery in Texas? If you don't know that's okay, I've just been having trouble finding reputable information on it

Hi! This is a very important question. Every state has its own rules and regulations around gender-affirming medical care and with the current aggression towards folks looking into gender-affirming medical care, it can be a bit of a minefield.

When I am talking to folks about navigating our nightmare of a medical system, I start by setting expectations. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes everything will work perfectly and the people who are supposed to do the things will actually do them. Sometimes you will go to a licensed medical doctor and they will laugh in your face when you ask a very basic questions and tell you the wildest things like "women can't get ADHD". So. Here's my motto for medical care: If we hit a roadblock, we don't give up, we pivot to a new provider.

*reminder* In a perfect world, you should just be able to get top surgery. It should be not more difficult than getting your wisdom teeth removed, fixing a broken bone, getting your appendix out, etc. But that's not our current reality. So here's the strategy that increases the chances of getting what you want and minimizes risks. Also, this process is written for an adult (over 18 years old) who can consent to their own medical treatment. If you are under 18, things shift a bit.

Generally speaking, here is the process for top surgery. It might apply to you, it might not. This is not medical advice, but for general informational purposes:

Get medical diagnosis for gender dysphoria- this can be done by a therapist, medial doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. Your state and usually the doctor that will be performing the top surgery will have their own expectations and requirements. Sometimes the doctor who performs the surgery can be the one who gives you the diagnosis. This is an insurance requirement- officially you can't have any kind of treatment unless the system knows what you are being treated for. Top surgery is a form of treatment for gender dysphoria.

Know what you want and why- you are probably going to have to talk to multiple people about what you want and why you want it. Usually this isn't because the provider/medical doctor really cares, its a liability thing. They have to cover their own ass and make sure they can support why they agreed to give you this treatment in case something goes wrong or their patient brings some kind of compliant in the future. You aren't actually convincing them that you are trans or anything here, you are helping them to feel like they won't get sued because you know what you want and are asking them for it. Having a therapist or some mental health professional who can write a letter of support for top surgery can be helpful because providers listen to providers. Reviewing the WPATH Standards of Care can give you vocabulary to talk about what you want, why you want it, etc. that is already in medical vocabulary and so the medical doctor will be able to hear what you are saying more clearly. Again, this is not a narrative essay to get into college. This is saying the right words so the right boxes get checked. Basically you are saying some version of "I have gender dysphoria. It has been fairly consistent and causes significant distress since *insert amount of time*. I would like gender affirming medical treatment- top surgery- in order to reduce my gender dysphoria because gender affirming surgery is an evidence-based treatment for gender dysphoria." Its weird, sterile, and clinical. But medical doctors are not people-people generally, they are scientists.

Find a medical doctor that provides top surgery. Best case scenario, you are able to find some kind of gender clinic that specializes in HRT, gender-affirming surgery, etc because they will generally have the most streamlined processes and *hopefully* less barriers and discriminatory bullshit. You can try to find these places through internet searches. Sometimes your insurance will have suggestions. You can talk to a primary care provider who may have a referral. If you are having trouble finding someone, I would reach out to a Certified Sex Therapy/Educator/Counselor who is affiliated with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists). These folks aren't always safe for queer folks but your chances of finding someone who knows queer issues and has resources they can point you to is higher than with the general metal health population. You can search for folks here: https://www.aasect.org/find-professional/2/TX/T%2BC

Waiting period. Some states/doctors have waiting periods. Like you have to be in therapy at least 6 months and want top surgery the whole time or they schedule the surgery 3 months out and you have to come into the office once a month to tell the doctor "yep. still would like that please". Again, its about decreasing liability. With a positive spin, there is some attempt being made to try to provide support to folks going through gender-affirming care because the surgeries can be on the more significant side with a fair bit of recovery.

Surgery and Recovery. Once you get scheduled, there will be pre and post operative steps for you to take to get ready for the actual procedures. There are different kinds of top surgeries that are available, so looking into options and finding a surgeon you can talk to about options is super important. Also, most surgeons should have examples of their work they can show you.

Is this helpful? Are there other questions you have?

[ifuckingloveryoshu]

PUNK ASS FUCKING ROYALTIY SHIT ASS FUCK YOU LORD OF HORIKAWA YOU FUCK I HATE THAT MAN SO MUCH BECAUSE IM BIASED BITCH ASS MOTHER FUCKER ID THROW HANDS WITH HIM ALL DAY LONG ALL DAY FUCK

Also woo, I shill JIGOKU all day and all night. You are entitled to therapy and questions of consern for your mental well being from me. The rest of this reblog is going to be me yelling about Hell Screen stuff. I need more work understanding this peice and this is my excuse. Also, I am like the narrartor but biased toward Yoshihide instead so obligitory take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Why are you sacrifcing little boys, oh great Emperor of Horikawa?

OR or, lets think for a bit. On your knees in prayer, PRAYING NOT TO DIE. FUck. YOu.

I dont know anything about hiarchy but what is he supposed to do, poor painter man, interupt the high people's oh so coveted time and risk punishment? All he needed was a model to paint, if they looked pretty or accurate, what the fuck does rank in the palace matter?

This one feels like foreshadowing to a reason why Yoshihide would want his daughter away from this fucking Lord of Horikawa man. Yoshihide is just being used as a scapegoat here. That sounds like Mr. Lord Of Horikawa did something to them.

Ohh this is where that quote came from. I've already read this several times but my adhd brain has a habit of just skimming.

Single father. What the fuck do you mean "Not above hiring street thugs." What else can he afford or get if people keep calling him ugly names beheind his back, you need to protect your child. Yeah? Yeah?

That's called Focusing On Your Work. WHat man. What.

How else is he supposed to research? In fact, why is there a corpse on the roadside you fuck? Is Lord Of Horikawa not doing his best to govern his citizens? Is he running them over with his ox? He's too busy fucking woman, aint he? I don't fucking know.

This is after the nightmare, this is not even Yoshihide at any worse, man is having a night terror and you still feel the need to demonize him.

My guess is Yoshihide knows he needs to strangle someone, so he picked someone who looked strong and bulky who could handle getting choked, but this is just be thinking very generously. Of course, no one wants to get choked so he doesn't go, "Im going to choke you for a while." because that's not Yoshihide's style. People are already demonizing him, no sane person is going to agree to letting him get choked.

ALSO MR NARRATOR SERVANT MAN, YOU ARE JUST WATCHING. I guess from your point of view, it wouldn't make sense to object to such a *sigh* unreasonable grumpy stubborn old man and there might be socio-political factors but come on. Stop acting like you care. You don't seeem to. You ass.

Then snake comes out of no where some how, legitimate shock to everyone. That's not Yoshihide's fault.

This scene, fine. Whatever. I can't completly defend Yoshihide here when the owl comes for the child. He should have known better not to touch a bird that might not fully trust him, even if its feeding, esspecially from the back. They are sadly not that chill, you just got this bird Yoshihide. You have not developed a relationship with this bird, I own birds, I don't own birds of prey and their temperments are probably diffrent compared to a bird who is prey as opposed to a predator raptor, but you can't preen or touch them if they don't know you.

But, I don't think he threw the owl at the apprentice on purpose, that's my headcanon. He only got up to paint because it was already happening in front of him and he needed to hussle.

It clearly says "Yoshihide was a man who simply hated to have anyone pry into his business, ... he would never let his apprentices know what kinds of things he had in his studio." Moments later, Yoshihide answers the young apprentice, YOU DON'T NEED TO LOOK AT SOMEONE TO BE TALKING TO THEM AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. LET ME FOCUS ON WHAT IM DOING WHILE TALKING TO YOU, I DONT MEAN TO BE RUDE, OK? ITS THE AUTISM. I KNOW YOUR THERE, ITS NOT NATURAL FOR ME TO LOOK AT YOU. WHAT THE FUCK DO I LOOK AT? Your nose? Your cheek? If I look into your eyes, that's akward for me, ok? Almost vomited just thinking about it. Ill look at you in the eyes I guess but some people find that hostile so what do you want?

I think Yoshihide legitimatly called the other apprentinces to help out this other apprentice being mauled by the owl and its also dark, and then the snake again. After that, the apprentice is fine. Hes fine, you didn't say anything about that, Mr Narrator Servant Man.

Because hes stressed. I also would stay away from someone who is STRESSED. OK? (I like having beef with fictional characters, its fun and no one gets hurt most of the time.) This is the only way to get his daughter back, he thinks. Hes begging for it, praying for it.

Skipping SA scene but this is a big reason why I really don't like Horikawa. Im also skipping around because I'm getting tired.

Horikawa you bitch.

HORIKAWA YOU FUCKING BI-

Mr. Narrator Bitch Ass Servant Simp still needs to shoot the artist while hes down, eh?

I have problems deciphering this part. The narrator switches sides breifly. Yoshihide just feels so much contempt because his one and only daughter and their monkey was just burnt in a carriage. It's easy to say its beautiful as an outside observer but come on, that's his daughter. It's a complex feeling beyond rage because on one hand, your finnished. This was the best way to end the art. On the other, still your family memeber getting burnt and catching on fire. He's broken. Fuckass Horikawa should be fucking sad. He should be ashamed.

Fuck you and your fucking shit Horikawa. FUck you. FUck you. This is such an ABUSER RESPONSE. Abusive fucking response you shit. This is how abusers rationalize hitting their children, ok? To punish and teach them a lesson, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck, the termites in their time machines better get to you faster than I will you peice of shit.

Fuck you. You people suck. Yoshihide and Yuzuki and Yoshihide (the monkey) deserve better then this. He has nothing left but his art. Your lucky as shit he event had the drive to finnish the peice before his death. God, and then you just forget him, just like most artist are treated. You saw the art, you enjoy the art, you don't give a shit that their blood, sweat and tears went into that peice. Labor. They don't get to see their families sometimes, they get demonized, they get mocked, art is very underappreciated as a medium that can change lives and hearts and thoughts thinking, rewritting, and me as an individual am no diffrent to that, someone who also takes a lot in their life forgranted. I'm getting heated for no reason. I'm using targeted langauge but this isn't an academic essay, this is me wanting to put letters to post. I need to learn more about this courtship culture and this higharchy to get more off this text, im doing it such a dissevice.

But yes, unreliable ass narrator. I will throw hands with him any day of the week. That is all I can say.

Hell Screen

narrator: Yoshihide was an artist that everyone hated and who was an awful person, but his daughter was kind and sweet and everyone loved her so we all kinda tolerated her dad

Yoshihide: I would do anything for my daughter, Yuzuki. I can't paint something unless I've seen it with my eyes.

Yuzuki: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_piety

Lord Horikawa: You've painted some nice art for me. I'll do literally any favor for you now.

Yoshihide: Can you release my daughter from your service

Lord Horikawa: no. fuck you

narrator: he wasn't in love with her or anything, he just felt bad that Yoshihide was her only family.

Lord Horikawa: Also I'm commissioning a massive scene of the Buddhist Hell, artist who can't paint something without having seen it

Yoshihide: ok

[various agonies of Yoshihide's apprentices]

[psychological agonies of Yoshihide also]

Yuzuki: [is seen growing unhappier and more stressed as the days go by]

narrator: people are saying Lord Horikawa's forcing himself upon her. this is false because he is too cool. this is Yoshihide's fault

[incident in which the narrator encounters Yuzuki fleeing from what was clearly assault]

narrator: yeah

Yoshihide: I'm almost done with the painting. I just need to see a maiden burn in a carriage so I can paint it

Lord Horikawa: okay [puts Yuzuki in a carriage and burns it]

narrator: stop saying it's because she didn't reciprocate his love it was clearly to punish Yoshihide for being so fucked up. I know this is true because Lord Horikawa said so

-- End --

[chaotic-enby-selfships]

RANDALS FRIENDS HEADCANONS

kay fuckers so thanks to @rebornheart this weird comic is my newest hyperfixation so you all get this (also TW, mentions of ki//ing animals, snakes eating people, mutilation, medical things and possibly body horror. also spoilers for Randals Friends)

-NO ONE IN THAT HOUSE IS NEUROTYPICAL. Luther+the two catmen are Autistic, Randal has ADHD, and Sebastian has ✨anxiety✨

-Randal is clingy as hell. he will not let go once he has attatched himself to you

-Also do you guys know the stereotype of that one kid who cant eat sugared cereal and/or drink soda bc otherwise they go ballistic? Yeah, Randal is that kid.

-He's also kiiiind of a sadist. Not towards his family (Luther, the catmen, etc.) but he often does go out into the woods and kill small animals for fun. probably eats them raw too

-Randal is also hella destructive. This motherfucker needs fucking chew toys to keep from tearing up the house

-Whenever Luther has to bathe the catmen it's always a fucking nightmare. They hiss, scratch, meow, claw, etc. And couple that with the fact that they're the size of full-grown humans...... yeah it's not easy getting them into the tub.

-Nanas belly acts as Luthers Safe Space whenever he needs to get away from everything.

-Speaking of Luther, he's the type to wiggle his fingers at donuts and say "Don't mind if I do"

-Randal and Luther also aren't human. I mean, in the comic, randal got his fingers chopped off and even fucking grew his legs longer sooooooo yeah. Also the catmen aren't just humans dressed up like cats. Catmen are just grown up catboys. -Randal is 10000000% a roblox kid. You cannot tell me otherwise. He's also a keyboard warrior, and it gets even worse when he's tired. -If Sebastian were to escape, Luther would chop off his legs so that it would be harder for him to escape in the future.

-Randal is CONSTANTLY eating things that he isn't supposed to. flowers, dirt, wood, you name it. Sebastian still wonders how he's alive.

-If Randal saw a christmas tree, he would absolutely try to climb it. -Luther has a whole-ass medical office off of his room. Like we're talking scapel, anesthesia, an operating table, syringes, everything. He has this because of all the shit that happens to Randal and No One is allowed in that room without his permission

-Randal has also snuck into said medical room and ate all kinds of medicine he wasn't supposed to.

-Luther spends at least 2 hours in the bathroom doing his hair and makeup -Randal has a freakishy high pain tolerance. This fucker could fall 200 stories and be 100% fine

-Speaking of Randal, he also snorts bath salts. Luther constantly has to get new ones because of it

-Luther is Gay and Trans, Nyen is Gay, Nyon is Nonbinary (or Nyonbinary), Randal is Bi and uses he/they/it, and Sebastiant is Cishet

-Also Sebastians anxiety isn't just from being Randals pet. That definitely did make it worse for him, but he's always had it. He was on medication for it before he got caught and mistaken for a pet. Okay that's all the Headcanons I have for now soooo bye

[crimeronan]

ok as a crazy kid (an anxiety disorder resulting in psychosis + unmedicated ADHD) reading ur posts ab that made me feel sm better. yes actually I am coping incredibly well and I was coping incredibly well even when I was at my worst, bc I STILL managed to deal with parents, schoolwork, teachers, and the social nightmare that is middle/high school. thank you man

<3!!

yeah i am not being hyperbolic at all when i say that the setup of middle/high school (at least in the US, can't speak for other countries) is often very literal torture for neurodivergent kids. certainly not every neurodivergent kid!! but it was for me, it was for my brother, and it was for a lot of other people i've talked to

i get kind of hesitant to make posts like that sometimes because.... like.... sometimes it feels like a lot of complaining with very little resolution. but it is fucking CRAZY that you're expected to sit down, pay attention, and do paperwork for 6 to 8 hours every single fucking day. like that's fucking crazy for any developing adolescent, let alone kids with Brains That Absolutely Cannot Do That

and then you add onto that the complete lack of autonomy -- having to ask to go to the bathroom, having every day strictly scheduled, being told when to speak and when to eat and what to do, being punished for breaking arbitrary rules or missing arbitrary bells -- you're not even a human being when you're in high school. and if you don't comply with all of this then you're in violation of governmental law. hel-fucking-lo

the lack of autonomy is fucking crazy for any developing adolescent (THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS), but it is fucking TERRIFYING when your schedule & classes & sensory experiences & attention issues are literally eating your brain alive. like. we absolutely should not have had to tough that shit out & the adults in our lives absolutely should have realized something was super wrong & the whole system is so Soooo stacked against ANYONE who cannot Comply and Perform, for Any Reason.

i was one of those delinquent kids who was always skipping class, ignoring schoolwork, getting detention, getting into fights, self-destructing in every way i knew how, creating trauma patterns i had to work my Ass off to unlearn later,

and that shit Saved My Fucking Life. i would have Literally Died without doing all of that. that is how maladjusted the system is

the point here is that if anyone's reading this and feeling Seen, please for the love of GOD know: you were Not a bad teenager. you were stuck in a wildly fucked up system that did its damnedest to destroy your physical and mental health, & nobody ever acknowledged that it was wrong, & you survived and that's incredible.

[doubleddenden]

Journal 23

Not even 24 hours back home and I've been reduced to insult humor material. I take care of my sister's dogs because she and her husband are too lazy to do it. They leave their dogs for me to "take care of for a while" (read: dump them on me because again they're lazy). One is a chihuahua named Leer. I was holding her so she doesn't rush for them and the brother in law makes a comment about how "manly" I look with "my" dog. They have the nerve to ask me what my plans are later tomorrow, then immediately interrupt me to say "probably still sleeping".

Seriously. I remember when they threatened to ban me from seeing the kids when I joked like that to those two. I love my niblings but strongly dislike their parents. Just... GOD they make me so mad. After feeding their dogs, keeping their property up, taking their mail, finding their shit to mail to them in their hot ass house, and dealing with everyone's literal garbage and ALL the heavy lifting between three houses. I sweat myself soaking wet trying to do what I can. They call me lazy. They insult my masculinity for holding THEIR dog.

Fuck. These. People. I can't WAIT for them to leave for their next job and for me to move off to somewhere where they wont visit.

In less rage inducing news, I did more LP recordings. No mishaps on the tech end and i have a LOT of footage, but my eye started watering and burning. I may need to invest in computer glasses or something.

Also I'm still now getting over how great Danny Don't You Know is. It's literally what I've missed so much from music. Rad guitar, positive messages beyond meeting in a club or fucking a tractor... It's very weird to say it but Dan is kind of an important inspiration to me, although I'm not musically talented or watch game grumps as much as I used to. No, he inspires me a lot simply because he's been through some things I identify with a bit. His bout with mental illness, his less than ideal childhood, and most of all his age. I'm honestly at the point in my life that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not a failure as an adult just because im not married, have 5 kids, or my dream job at 24. The awkward phase between 12 and 29? Cries a lot? Me to a T.

But he also said it takes time for bananas to ripen. He said he found his tribe. He's living his dream because he didn't quit. God dammit Dan, I love you you magnificent beautiful bastard. You're weird af and you and Brian make amazing music, and TWRP too since they're definitely partly responsible for this. I'm miserable as hell and talentless and awkward looking and acting, and I don't have as many friends as I used to.

But you know? I still have dreams I want to accomplish, even if they seem impossible I want to work towards it. Someday I WILL finish a damn book and I WILL get published, even if it's on my deathbed at fucking 90. I'll mail a copy of it to the teachers who said I'd be failures, I'll mail copies to the people who believed in me and kept me going, and dammit I'm not about to let my shitty situation or my stupid fucking ADHD that makes reading a living nightmare or my depression that ruins motivation, makes me sad, and takes away my energy crush my dreams.

And you know what? I want to be a let's player too. I want to play games and entertain people. I'm awkward and broke, but once I'm finally able to support myself we with stable real world work and can afford better equipment and games? Watch out. I'm coming after this childish dream's throat with reckless abandon. Until then I'll stockpile videos until I have enough to add to my channel daily and then some.

Maybe I won't get popular but you know? I gotta try. I've got to try. If not then what the hell am I talking to myself for?

Denver, Don't You Know? You're alive and fighting, however weak your punches at life are. Survive middle school, survive high school and make bountiful friends in college and online. Nurture your hobbies and don't stop until you're satisfied. You'll have your dreams shattered, your heart broken by the people closest to you, you'll lose people you thought would never leave you behind, you'll learn about some things you thought were right were actually wrong and cruel. You'll learn true friendship and triumph, you'll learn betrayal and utter failure. You'll still have an ongoing crisis about the way you look, and I hate to say that I look worse, minus that weird bowl cut you had or the pants you wore up to your armpits. But don't you know?

You've got dreams, kid. Dreams far too big and beautiful to just quit on. Wanna get back at those teachers and bullies who said you wouldn't amount to anything? Wanna show those relatives that abandon and mistreat you how you can survive without them? Wanna make your dad proud for working himself brittle, broken, and into an early retirement?

Then let's survive and kick life's ass. Let's become a better artist, let's write books and make games, let's play games and talk over them, let's get out out of this hillbilly home for infinite losers and find where we belong. You're ugly as hell on the outside, but you're hot as fuck on the inside. Let's become the most radical bastard to be written in this town's history books and a gentleman that makes all the girls go batshit crazy.

Let's try. Again and again and again. Let's try and never give in to the dark thoughts or my self-hating biology that makes want to keel over and stop. Let's try and become something beautiful to be envied, celebrated and loved, inspirational and defiant to life's unfairness. And when that horse knocks you down? When it keeps throwing you off? Find a bigger, better horse and tell the old horse to go fuck itself. Let's just try to make God himself regret trying to crush us with all of the bullshit he's allowed to happen to us and bloom into something far more than just a stepping stone for others to walk on. Let's try.

Positives:

Life: I'm alive and inspired. I got to hear this powerful song and let it rock my soul into gear.

In general: songs like this inspire others into action to keep going and keep trying. If I can keep going after everything and everyone I've lost, then so can others.