#and monologue about what they did to upset them if he was still angry about it

[rubydubydoo122]

Something I was Batman fans to Understand is that Jason ACTS Angry when he's Scared. It's a trauma response from the streets. If he showed he was scared he would've been dead.

When Jason is Angry though. If he's truly angry, and we see this throughout UTRH and Lost Days, If he's angry, he steeps in it.

Come closer.

He's not a Bull when he's angry, he's calculated when he's angry. He's a Bull when he's scared. He's Angry when he's Scared.

Obviously some comics aren't going to show that, because of how many writers there've been and favorite characters and such, but 'Death in the Family' and the last pannel of 'The Diplomat's son' is a good representation of Angry when Scared. 'Lost Days' is AMAZING with the angry when scared because when Talia shows him that he's been replaced, he's apathetic, and then goes to another room and starts crying. When he learns the Joker's still alive he starts trashing the room

Under the Red Hood is Jason's prime example of calculating while Angry, BECAUSE THAT ENTIRE PLAN!!! It was very well thought out and very well executed up until the final confrontation.

Robin!Jason not letting Alfred or Bruce see how upset he was that His father died is a perfect mix of both, because grief is a fickle thing.

ALSO! LETS SAY THIS TOGETHER PIT MADNESS IS NOT REAL

there are a lot of comics tho where I think the writers either hated Jason or didn't know what to do with him, so don't bring those up.

[malewifesband]

i see it often that people do not see laios liking kabru, but in reality laios does like kabru! quite a lot for a guy that (from his perspective) he just met! laios forgetting kabrus exact name is not evidence of disinterest in any way--hes only heard it a couple of times, he struggles with small details (unless you want to argue laios also doesnt give a shit about marcille, chilchuck and senshi, he also forgets small details about them. if you do think this, i think dungeon meshi may be too advanced for you. stick to bluey.), and the man has autism. like near explicitly.

laios offers food from their limited supplies because kabru showed an interest in eating monsters, and makes him an omelette so he can have something to eat even though other food was already being prepared. he listens to kabrus criticism of his behavior and mindset in trying to protect falin even though she was straight up killing people, and tries to drag kabru to safety. he watches kabru defuse the situation between himself and toshiro masterfully, and confides in him how hurt he is that toshiro is so angry and how he mustve done something truly awful to upset him like that. when kabru tells him that meeting him was the best part of his time in the dungeon, laios agrees and says its the same for him (remember: laios doesnt do empty platitudes well--if he said it, he meant it).

when kabru leaves, we get three fucking panels in a row of laios staring after him, flexing the hand kabru was just holding, and reflecting on kabrus words ("next time..?")

when kabru shows up again deep in the dungeon, chilchuck is suspicious, but laios is so excited to see him that he throws caution to the wind and lets kabru hold his hand again despite seconds later crossing succubus off his list of shapeshifters that could be appearing as kabru--a carelessness around monsters and danger laios rarely exhibits. when kabru gives his warning about the canaries, laios is grateful. he notices how often kabru saves his skin

when lycion reveals that kabru lied about wanting to eat the omelette laios made, it breaks his heart because he made that with love! he made it for kabru, and kabru didnt like it, and now he knows kabru was just playing at friendship to use him. that breaks his heart, hes distraught, but he doesnt have time to be hurt about it when marcille needs his help urgently so he turns to run to her. he apologizes to kabru and tries to leave again. he isnt listening to what kabru is saying here because kabru was just revealed as a liar and because it doesnt really cohere (kabru is stuttering and speaking in broken sentences as he tries to explain about the dungeons power) and he needs to save marcille

he doesnt believe kabru wanted to be his friend, because who would? why would laios be special enough, loveable enough, to go through the pains kabru went through, just to be his friend? but when kabru makes the intensity of his desire known, laios promises to feed him again, at a proper restaurant --and again, food is care for laios, to feed someone is to love them. marcille is still his priority bc she is in real danger but he means what he says, he really does want to start over with kabru and be real friends with him

once we hit the resolution of the story, kabru near glues himself to laios, helping him and trying to cement himself as a right-hand man, and making known his intent to support laios no matter what. in the medieval manuscript style epilogue, kabru is one of two friends that stick by laios as he becomes king. both marcille and kabru become the people closest to him (besides falin of course), two friends who will always support him, always let him know when hes fucked up and theyre mad at him, two friends who he can rely on. laios did not have to accept kabru as an advisor, he did not have to ask him to stay with him. he did that because after everything, he trusts kabru now, and knows he can count on him

while laios doesnt give any big monologues about what he likes about kabru, its very clear he does, and we know what things laios values in other people. he appreciates kabrus social skills (very clear in the post canon comic in the adventurers bible), his intelligence, that kabru WANTS to be around him and understand him even though its difficult, his strength, and frankly he does appreciate his charm (three fucking panels straight of staring after him). laios really values people with specialized skillsets who are willing to tell him frankly what they think and advise him in areas he is weak in (something we see in his relationship with... i was gonna say namari but its everyone. he does this with everyone he likes. and in the resolution kabru does this CONSTANTLY he does not go a panel without giving laios his professional opinion on how to deal with people).

in conclusion: arent you hungry, kabru? let laios make something for you

[deliveryboysomewhatequaltoheaven]

The Macaque Problem

I would definitely say Macaque's character is an issue for the show. His redemption arc is not good, and it brings down the other characters and takes up their time and arcs.

When we first see him in S1 and 2, he is an old frenemy of Wukong's bitter over an unspecified falling out. He is angry and lashing out at MK and his friends, projecting this feud onto them. He claims MK didn't notice his friends were gone, but we see him trying to call Mei, and that the others were resentful, but we see tang looking upset being forced to attack MK. Seems like a clear enough villain concept with some room forward right? But S3 and 4 derail that.

Chronologically, we can talk about the Brotherhood, (which he was not a part of in JTTW, and he complained abt being left behind in S2 but here he was?? Eh) He claims that Wukong pushed ahead without thinking or listening and that's what got him trapped in the mountain. But what do we see before Wukong surrenders to the Jade Emperor?

The rest of the Brotherhood trapped by the Celestial Army. We don't see Wukong fight the Jade Emperor. He was an immortal shapeshifter, I have no doubt Wukong could have escaped. But he turned himself in to save his friends. Was he in a bad mood in the mountain? I mean, yeah, but Macaque doesn't seem to consider that he's free because Wukong is not.

We still don't know about the final falling out and Macaque's seeming death, though S5 implies that Macaque pushed the situation. Still, it's not good, because if they can't properly resolve it, than it's just going to remain between them and Macaque's grudge against Wukong can't be properly moved past, which hampers his arc.

But then S3 happens, and honestly I think Macaque's motives are dumb. Why is he trying to get in the way of them stopping LBD if he also wants to be free of her? It's a positive for you! But they also start trying to portray him as someone who 'calls Wukong out' because S3 and 4 really try to make Wukong out to be a jerk. He made mistakes but it was a desperate situation against the Lady Bone Demon. I love Mei and Pigsy but they also call him out when they said nothing about the Fourth Ring/visions.

'You will make things worse for MK when I personally attack and threaten him and his loved ones for my own gain' OK Macaque!

But the S3 special is the real kicker. Macaque apparently changes his mind and we don't know why. They show some mistrust at first until MK says he knows Macaque is not a bad guy deep down... but doing one or two helpful things after three seasons of stalking, threatening, and attacking the gang doesn't exactly convince me.

And then this bit from the S3 special finale:

Uh, how??? Wukong is right, Macaque was until very recently willing throw everyone under the bus so he could get away from LBD. It's pretty rich that he would call Wukong self centered. Whatever Wukong did was trying to stop her and protect MK from having to deal with it.

In the S4 special, they also have Macaque talk about Azure Lion, and again I'm not sure why we are listening to him on characters' morality

Says the guy who wrote a play about how 'Sun Wukong is a big old meany who hurt my precious little fee-fees' if I never see or hear the hero and warrior monologue again it will be too soon but I will say he at least seems to consider he might have been wrong, though they don't really dwell on it...

Even in S5, we get this bit.

Once again, Wukong is right!! After 3 seasons of attacking and harassing MK I don't think he really gets to give advice. Plus WUKONG WAS TRYING TO TALK TO MK ABOUT IT RIGHT BEFORE THIS! But MK was not doing well emotionally and Wukong was trying to be mindful and not push!

And honestly I think they all let Macaque off easy for the S3 events, he literally choked out Mei and threatened to kill her! (Sidenote: he can call MK and Tang by their names, but Mei was just 'the girl' throughout S3... urgh)

But when Wukong gets mad at him, Macaque says "I didn't do this!" Well you forced the gang to do something that you didn't know what the consequences of would be! But Tang intervenes saying he did it, even though he awkwardly admits Macaque forced him but that he felt he should because of the golden cicada. Macaque later decides to leave the situation he forced. He later does help some, but doesn't really get held accountable for his part in everything.

But I guess it's fine bc at the end of the special MK gives him this drawing. This is actually kind of really upsetting and again makes little sense considering how much he and Mei care about other otherwise. But nah Macaque is cool now it's fine...

And Ao Guang! This is a tougher one, but in S5 they had Macaque let himself get sent to the Pagoda to buy others time... well I just say that's karma!

And Macaque comes back, of course, but we never hear more about Ao Guang. Even when they send the power of the Stones out, we do in fact see the East Sea Palace and the attendant, but not him, so his fate is unclear.

So yeah, overall, I think he was forgiven too fast, the root issue of his fight with Wukong unaddressed, and he takes up time from the others characters.

[littlegaybean1]

So I had a dream a few weeks ago and I thought you good omens Tumblr people would want to hear about it.

What was this dream, I hear absolutely none of you cry?

Good Omens Season Three of course!

It begins with Crowley, with his hair just above the shoulders and wavy, very similar to the 2000s Crowley hair. He's in his house, wearing sunglasses and dressed in his final fifteen outfit. Somehow my dream self knew that this was a month or two after the final fifteen. Crowley is lounging in his chair, looking depressed, with a glass of wine balanced on the arm somehow.

Then, we cut to Heaven. Aziraphale is sitting at the desk that Michael is seen at in S2, with stacks of paperwork on the desk. He's smiling, but tears are pooling in his eyes. The Metatron comes over and says something that I can't remember, to which Aziraphale says "yes of course" in his polite way with a smile. He shuffles the papers and then gets up and walks away, the Metatron looking on with an expression that I can only describe as villainous.

Then, we cut to... Hastur? Who is narrating? Subconscious brain, what are you doing? He stares straight at me (which is basically like staring at the camera) and monologues, which boils down to

"Our great heroes are separated, grieving the loss of each other when neither are dead" (sarcastically)

"Well," *chuckles* "neither are dead yet."

Cut back to Crowley. He's angry, tears streaming from underneath his glasses. He throws his wine glass at the wall before collapsing on the floor. Looking up at the ceiling, he speaks to someone above, we all know who.

"Why did you go? Why'd you have to go and leave me you adorable little bastard. You left me, I needed you! I still... I still need you. Come back. Please come back." Or something similar to that. His voice breaks and he just lies there crying.

Up in Heaven, Aziraphale can't hear him but something upsets him. He buries his head in his arms, crying.

Then, back to Crowley's flat, but this time he's not alone. Hastur, Dagon, Shax and Eric burst in through the wall, grab him and drag him out of the door whilst he's screaming and cursing at them.

Cut to Hell, in the room that Beelzebub teleported Crowley to in S2. Crowley's on a black throne, but he's chained down and his head is forced into a bowed position. The four aforementioned demons stand before him, cackling. One of them holds a sword to his throat.

Cut back to Heaven, and Uriel comes over to Aziraphale and says that they've been sent a message from Hell. The message is a live video call, showing the previous scene. Aziraphale gasps, suddenly going from mildly confused to purely terrified. His eyes flood with tears and he appears paralysed, standing stock still and eyes glued to the image before him.

The demons laugh and hiss, before burying the sword in Crowley's shoulder. It glows brightly and Crowley screams in pain. A bucket is seen next to them, and I somehow know that Aziraphale is certain that it's full of holy water. Aziraphale seems to break out of his daze, stutters a bit then says, to nobody in particular

"I'll just be two ticks"

The demons are visibly confused, as is Uriel. None of them really know what to make of this. Then, still on the video, Crowley starts to shake, and is suddenly not chained. He collapses and rolls off the chair. One of the demons shove him onto his back, where we see that Crowley is... Laughing???

"Oh, we're all seriously fucked. That's his 'I'm going to pretend that everything is fine then turn into an absolute raging maniac' voice."

He then starts laughing even harder. The demons exchange worried glances. Has he gone off his rocker?

One of the demons is getting seriously pissed off by the laughing, and stabs Crowley in the other shoulder. But this time, he doesn't scream, he just keeps on laughing.

Suddenly, the room rumbles and an extremely pissed, immaculately dressed Aziraphale appears, wielding his flaming sword. His eyes are glowing the purple of Arch-Angelic power. With two strokes of his sword, Eric discorporates and the sword pointed at Crowley is knocked away. Aziraphale stands over Crowley's bleeding form and growls in the same tone as in the bookshop

"Stay back."

He waves his hand over Crowley's body, and a shield of light splits him off from everyone. Somehow my dream self knows that Aziraphale isn't only protecting Crowley from the demons, he's protecting Crowley from him. With that, Aziraphale thrusts his sword deeply into the ground, the room shaking violently and filling with pure angelic light. When it fades, Aziraphale is covered in soot and bears several burns, and is carrying Crowley through the light, up and up back to

The bookshop.

Crowley looks up at Aziraphale in a bit of a daze, and weakly says

"Did you... Stop to change before charging down to hell?"

"I wanted to be dressed appropriately! It's not every day one fights off demons in their home territory." Aziraphale sounds defensive, but also worried.

"You idiot angel." Crowley smiles at him affectionately.

"Yes, he very much is."

DUN DUN DUN!

The Metatron appears in the bookshop, an expression of fury on his face.

"I gave you power, I gave you status, I gave you a name for yourself. But still, you throw away all this for some, failed angel who couldn't even be a demon right! I won't have it!"

The Metatron snaps his fingers, white light flooding the bookshop and Crowley cries out in alarm. The husbands grip each other tightly, refusing to let even the Metatron's power separate them.

My dream ends with Hastur's laughter, as the two wake up in Heaven, still clutching each other.

[anopoulos]

About Aziraphale.

GOOD OMENS 2 SPOILERS. LIKE ALL OF IT. ALMOST ALL OF IT. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Look. I understand. I was angry too, when I saw the last scene. Because how could Aziraphale not know what Crowley wanted, right? How could he not know what Crowley needed?

But I feel like we’re mainly seeing this from the perspective of someone who’s seen Crowley’s (multiple) monologue(s) about his fall. How hurt he is, how angry he feels. 

Aziraphale wasn't there for any of these scenes, so how could he know?

The moment Metatron offered Aziraphale the post of the Archangel and the possibility of reforming Crowley, EVERY (ha) viewer knew that wasn’t what Crowley wanted. But that’s the thing. 

We know that because of things Crowley has never said to Aziraphale. Because this is one of the topics that they don’t talk about. That’s not part of their dance, never has been, apart from the usual “you’re different than me, that is why you do things the way you do” or the casual bickering. 

We don’t know why they don’t talk about it, we can only speculate. Maybe it hurts Crowley (we can see that he’s upset about it many times), maybe it’s uncomfortable for Aziraphale (because, deep down, he fears that the same thing might happen to him). 

But what we do know is that Aziraphale has never seen Crowley actively as happy with anything else around him (apart from himself, which I refuse to believe Aziraphale doesn’t realize) as he was when he was an angel. I believe that was the first scene of the season for a reason. But what Aziraphale doesn’t realize is the fact that Crowley wasn’t happy because he was an angel, he was happy because of his creations. He was proud of them (which may have been one of the reasons for his Fall in the first place). 

And something that we see during this season, is the fact that Crowley a) doesn’t seem as interested in the things he created when he was an angel and b) doesn’t even remember most of his life as an angel (maybe because he was forced to forget, which I don’t believe to be true, most demons seem to remember their lives before the Fall). 

So we know that, despite the fact that he’s hurt for having fallen, he has no true wish to come back. And that’s the thing I don’t think Aziraphale realizes. 

He doesn’t want to come back to Heaven nor to Hell, and we know why. He’s the one who convinced Aziraphale to save the world the first time around, in the first place. 

He likes living on Earth, he likes drinking wine and coffee, and listening to music, and taking naps and, sometimes, nibbing at some food. He likes watching action movies and cartoons. And he knows Aziraphale has his pleasures with the world as well (hence why the convincing to stop Armageddon worked so quickly). 

Now, what I feel like is, ever since the job mini episode, Aziraphale has had to come to terms, understand or simply acknowledge the fact that he's on "his own side". That's what Crowley told him, that's the side Crowley's on, and that had taken him by surprise. Especially because he ended up going "against god's intentions" by ultimately doing something good. 

Weren't angels supposed to be good? Why were Gabriel and the others (even Muriel) so unbothered by the death of three children? By the suffering of two parents who, ultimately, did everything right, in god's book? 

And also, weren't demons supposed to be evil? Why was Crowley helping him save these kids, if he was an enemy? He says he's on his own side (that sounds… lonely), but he still had done wrong things, hadn't he? He was one of the fallen. Surely it wasn't without reason. 

That was, I believe, the first instance where Aziraphale truly questioned the institutions of heaven and hell, good and evil, for what they were. 

And at the same time it was freeing to "go with heaven until you can", I believe this is perhaps the moment where Aziraphale feels the most upset about this. Because heaven was where he came from, so there must be some comforting memories, fond feelings towards it. 

So the information he gathered from this experience could be summarized to:

Sometimes, heaven (and god?) can go a little too far with the gambling of the human lives

Crowley is, deep down, good.

And based on what he knew from good and evil, it makes sense for him to think, at this point and time, that the "goodness" in Crowley is his angelic side showing up. Refusing to die with the fall. Persisting to show up despite everything that's happened.

And we see Aziraphale grappling with the notions of good and evil again and again with the other flashbacks, which I believe are essential, and were added with the specific purpose of, to understand Aziraphale's mindset. 

He realized he wasn't fully aligned with heaven in s02e2 and that had taken him by surprise. It was lonely, it was different than everything he's ever believed in (and we know he doesn't like change), so it was painfully clear, achingly obvious that at the first chance he got, he would go running back. It was safe, it was comfortable, it was where he was made and what he was made for. 

But. In the thousands of years he spent on earth, doing things a little more aligned to his own ideals, while at the same time trying to follow his original heavenly path, he had grown attached. 

To humans (a little bit). To food. To theater, to drinks (eventually), to books. And to Crowley. And all of these things are inherently intertwined. One came with another, in a jumble. If he lost one of them, he would lose all of them, all at once. 

So it is completely understandable that, the moment heaven (the place he missed terribly, the place he wanted to be good) offered him the two things he wanted most, he ran with it without much questioning. 

Of course he would miss the little pleasures. Coffee, his bookshop. But he would have Crowley. He would have Crowley happy again, creating Nebulae and stars, and he and Crowley would make heaven good. Worthy. Worthy enough for both of them. 

(We say that Crowley isn’t happy with the ways Heaven is managed, and that is true. But what is also true is the fact that Aziraphale has disagreed with the other angels [and GOD] times before. He, also, is unhappy with them, so of course he would take the chance to change that and run with it.) 

And that, I think, is the most heartbreaking part of the entire last scene they share. Crowley knows Aziraphale likes Earth. Loves it, even. And he cares about the things Aziraphale cares about. And, most importantly, Aziraphale knows that, too. He’s known that since the Church bombing. 

So when Crowley says “you can’t leave this bookshop”, Aziraphale sees that as “I know you care about this place more than anything, are you truly ok with leaving it behind?” and he’s so appreciative of it. Absolutely smitten.

He finally admits that he loves Crowley, and that he knows Crowley loves him back. How could he not? 

And Michael does SUCH a good job of filling that line with pure, unadulterated love, it makes me want to bawl my eyes out. 

Because this is Aziraphale saying “I see you care about me by caring about the things I care about, but I will be alright to leave it all behind if I have you by my side”. ALL IN THREE WORDS MICHAEL SHEEN ARE YOU KIDDING ME

But then, Crowley puts his glasses on. And he’s leaving, and he sounds hurt, and Aziraphale doesn’t understand why. He had heard Crowley’s monologue, and had called him to go with him, to be together, in Heaven. 

So he tries again. 

We’ve never seen Aziraphale this open about his feelings. He’s terrified to say it, but he does it anyway. He’s spilling out everything he’s been dealing with for literal thousands of years, and it must’ve taken so much courage to do so, and I can’t help but to be proud of him. 

[hollyhomburg]

Something about yoongi being jealous feels so annoying. Like first you leave your pack in the dust, not to hear from again, then move in with a soulmate and not tell anyone, invite them back but treat them so so so differently like your not even in love eirh them anymore and now that the girl you left all your mates for is healing and with them like you said you wanted youre jealous and upset???? I don’t think I could genuinely be with yoongi if I were anyone in the og bily pack. I know he went through a lot of trauma but he’s hurting so many people.

i think a fact you're missing is that functionally- yoongi /can't/ be closer to the pack anymore, at least not compared to how close he is to the m/c because of their mating mark. Even within pack structures- there are hierarchies for a reason. the mating mark changes things in a physical way like- they're soul married.

it's also not the only existing herarchy in the pack. jin and namjoon are close in a way that the others aren't (jin practically left yoongi for namjoon in the beginning- or nearly did least you forget. litterally jin did not know namjoon one iota when he brought him back to their den). not to mention Vmin and the very well documented way that tae is litterally the centre of jimin's entire world- there are many days when jimin completely side steps the whole pack to head straight to tae, jimin gets jealous of the m/c all the fucking time to the point of being possessive of tae at times. kinda similar to the way yoongi gets jealous of the others in my opinion.

i think that this facet of polyamory is what makes the bily pack so much more lifelike than any ideal 'there is no hierarchy' pack structure. the truth about polyamory is that there will always be people you are closer to in different ways- emotionally, physically, sexually. yoongi's not 'jealous' jealous- he's not insecure jealous. his inner monologue isn't "i only want you to be mine" he's more like "oh, you don't need me anymore, or at least as much as you used too"

let's go back to the beginning for a second;

you've just been through something traumatic with someone who is /barely/ holding onto themselves and if they die, there's a good chance that you'll die too because of your mating mark. this person is struggling, and while you give them all of you that you can- there isn't room for you to do much more. they require near constant observance otherwise you fear they might harm themselves. you love this person very much but you fear that the second you take your eyes off of them- they'll disappear.

Would you launch back into a relationship you left, unsure of if the people even love you anymore because of what you did to them? Or would you at least wait and make sure that the person you know needs you and still loves you is kinda okay before you try to introduce her to people who have the potential to be /very/ angry at her. Especially knowing her history with people who have gotten angry at her and how far it might set her back.

it's not a lack of care that yoongi didn't go back to the pack for- in fact- i'd argue that he waited so long because he cares about all of them so much. he knew the best chance they'd have of all being a pack was if the m/c was healed before they met (which didn't end up happening tbh- and we saw how much that almost tore them apart in chapter 10) so he sacrificed his own need for closure and his own needs to have /someone/ support him in caring for the m/c- to make their potential future loads better.

[eusuntgratie]

I only just saw your post (successfully avoided any and all spoilers for the iwtv finale so win for me!). Ugh sorry you’re not feeling the best.

What are some generally good sound pieces of advice that are applicable to nearly anyone? (If that’s distracting) AND/OR You seem like someone who enjoys exercise (especially? including?) lifting. Explain to me like a child how that came about? I would rather do pretty much anything than exercise. I do it because it’s good for me and I’m always happy after but the motivation isn’t motivating, if you will.

thanks aj!

i'm doing better today <3

hmm some generally good pieces of advice... if something is making you angry/upset and you have the ability to, walk away. don't get stuck in the spiral of things making you mad. that break will let you settle down and figure out what you need to do. if its something actionable (politics?) then you need a clear head to identify a small actionable step you can take. if its not something you need to take action on (fandom bullshit?) you can redirect to something that makes you happy (or unfollow/block/etc. to improve your experience).

another one that's big for me is to pay attention to the way you speak to and about yourself, and make it kinder. this isn't something you can fix overnight, but if your inner monologue and the things you say about yourself to others are always unkind, you get stuck in that kind of thinking. it also likely hurts the people that love you to hear you say those things about yourself. start small. when i catch myself saying/thinking everything is my fault or im a terrible parent or im so stupid or whatever it is, i try to take a breath and reframe that statement to something thats more fair. you can think about it like, what would i say to a friend that said that to me? if one of my friends says 'im a terrible parent' to me, i help them reframe by reminding them of all theyre doing right. maybe 'im a terrible parent' becomes 'i made a mistake but i love my kid and i will own up to my mistake, apologize, and make it better.' its hard to be in a place of action or actually making anything better when we're stuck in a place of guilt and self-hatred.

okay changing gears i FUCKING LOVE lifting. i didn't like working out/sports/etc when i was young. i started paying attention to how i move my body and what it could do for me when i started doing martial arts. thats where i learned how to stretch, warm up, do calisthenics, and some weights. i stayed active and tried various types of exercise in college and after, but i didn't learn to lift heavy until grad school. i got engaged in grad school, and a good friend who is a huge gym rat offered to get me in good shape for my wedding. me and him and my now-husband signed up for a tough mudder together as additional motivation and we got to work. this man put me through HELL but got me in the best shape of my life. he taught me to how to do big lifts RIGHT (benchpress, deadlifts, squats) how to use the big machines at the gym, had me doing sprints and working with kettlebells and just generally putting me through it. i fucking LOVED it. i suffered and i whined and cried but i felt amazing, loved what it did to my body and seeing what my body could do. i was fueled by everyone who told me that women couldnt/shouldn't lift heavy and everyone who looked surprised as fuck when they saw how much itty bitty me could lift by the end.

i didnt have access to a gym for awhile after we got married, but when we moved here we set up a home gym with a bench and a squat rack and i lift as much as i can. i don't do it as much as i'd like, but i'm trying to stick to a routine of working out about 4 times a week and walking as much as possible.

i lift heavy so i can hold my daughter who is nearly as big as me but still sometimes wants to be held or needs to be carried. so i can pick up my 100# dog if he gets hurt. so i can move furniture in my house. i love feeling strong and capable. and i love how i look when im lifting. plus, osteoporosis runs in my family and lifting is one of the best ways to protect your bones <3

i could ramble for days about working out i love it! thank you for the ask <3

[mischief-lies-and-stories]

Reacting to Contemporary Comics (Without Context) 4/?

What's up it's cold as shit here, my bosses said stay the fuck home, so let's read another comic book.

Back at it again at the Thor: First Thunder

I don't like this cover

Spoilers for all of First Thunder now.

My boi living his best life. Out of the tree, took a shower, had a spa day, thriving

I hate Blake's idea of flirting, but I love that Thor had to endure his alter ego carrying around a little statue of the brother he hates for 2+ days

No one in this is likable

Why is Odin punishing Thor? It can't be because he's a violent, angry, destructive little fucker. That would make Odin a hypocrite. Wait. That's absolutely why. Fuck Odin as usual.

Listen, if MCU Loki needed someone to weep over him to get out of the tree like in the comics, he'd be free several times over by now just by me. Fuck, I just saw a gifset of Tom spinning in the cape and tearing up over the crown, and I cried real multiple tears twice on that post.

Loki if you're trying to blend in, dressing like the Riddler is not going to do it

I wasn't gonna comment on how ugly the art is, but god he looks like green Heat Miser. He looks like a ventriloquist's dummy.

Can't believe the Loki show stole his God of Stories outfit from Thor: First Thunder when he's bullying Blake while pretending to be a fortune teller at Coney Island.

Supposedly the fucking fortune teller is "working" (loosely) for Loki but isn't actually Loki himself

Loki taking on a mortal minion (and convincing him he's super mega powerful) is coming back to haunt him

TONY!!!

Odin is such a motherfucking hypocrite and I hate him

Thor, why are you staring at his ass enough to make that observation?!

Thor will never go for it, but god I want them to fuck with Odin.

...I was very very wrong.

Odin really just fuckin went: "Blake, you fix it. I don't wanna. I'm too busy hanging out in the cosmos being inexplicably huuuuuge."

I feel like whenever Odin does these monologues for Thor: "You're my son and you're worthy and I've loved you all along" he means it. Like he's still a dick, but he means it. But when he does them for Loki it's because he's panicking, because Loki outsmarted him again and it's his last-ditch effort to survive before Loki fucking murders him for being a shit father. It's just this moment of Odin giving Loki what he knows he's always craved, love and acceptance, in order to just try to save himself from his lifetime of fuck-ups. And the tragic thing is that Loki buys it every time.

On a different note, do y'all think "Thou art Odin's first thunder" sounds like Thor's conception was the first time Odin came? [I'm very aware this is canonically inaccurate.]

OH MY GOD what in the Christian iconography is this nonsense?! He looks ready for crucifixion and everything.

This comic was... insane. The art was weird, the Christian themes were uncomfortable (and I'm Episcopalian), the issue on China did not feel entirely unproblematic, and Loki was an ass (this was pre-JiM I think, so this is not a criticism to the authors I'm just sad about it). And the scene on the cover never even canonically happened! They just wanted a hyperrealistic rendering of Thor beating Loki to shit. Because they hate Loki and love upsetting me.

[llycaons]

ep48 (1/3): thank fucking god jc and wwx are finally talking it out

this was sweet. when does lwj ever defend someone to wwx rather than vice versa? but he dutifully reports than wen ning didn't do this happily

wwx rolling his eyes like 'oh GOD here we go again'

okay okay but I am so excited for this because I truly believe this is jc's absolutely best scene best monologue best interaction with wwx in the SHOW. finally everything coming to light! finally communication! finally a solid closure to the rage and grief that has torn them apart! but first it displays all of jc's issues and problems so so clearly

and it start off with jc bitterly praising wwx for being such a saint. which I really enjoy on a writing level, because it's very self-aware. it's easy as a reader to think that jc should bow down in gratitude, but jc as a character has a lot of pride and judges things very differently - he's a living, breathing, thinking character who has his own beliefs, principles, grudges, and motivations

I don't even know how to describe this. mocking praise? it's very characteristic of jc of this arc. sarcastic, insecure, and bitter, keenly aware of wwx's achievements and virtues and resenting him for them. idk what he wants wwx to do...obviously he's not thinking rationally but wwx can't help being good at stuff

he's making wwx entirely responsible for his feelings. not even 'you did this and I felt this way' but 'you are this way and I'm different and it's your fault that I'm not as good'

not even forgiving the debt owed from all those decades ago, even knowing the truth! he also has a big victim complex - even when wwx was being disrespected and even abused in ways jc wasn't, he still remembers it the way it'll suit his needs. no capacity to consider wwx's troubles or suffering. absolutely no emotional imagination. not that being low-empathy makes you a bad person, but the way he acted has never been part of a healthy relationship w wwx

this moment captures him SO well. while castigating wwx about jin ling, jin ling himself tries to reach out - to comfort or dissuade. and jc throws him off, impatient and angry and entirely focused on the object of his revenge rather than the living child he claims to be trying to protect, the child who's right there asking for his attention

this also feels very self-aware of the writing. almost...lampshading? not the right term. it feels fair and right that one major character close to wwx, and sympathetic despite his behavior, is holding wwx to task for this. I am obviously on wwx's side, but it makes sense than people would be upset but what happened and it feels very honest to allow jc this bitterness and anger rather than forcing everyone in the story to immediately forgive and love him. it adds texture and complexity to the characters and the world, and it makes actions like lwj's more significant. jc was never going to be the partner wwx needed, and that's extremely important to the story

another fair accusation. on the other hand it was pretty clear wwx was majorly depressed after the war and while jc might have been angry with him for drinking, he only responded with punishment instead of, idk, compassion for the other sibling who lost his entire home and family? jc didn't talk to wwx either

I read this as jc angry with himself for not being able to truly hate wwx, and blaming wwx himself for...not being hateable? it's very convoluted. jc needs so much therapy

CLOWN MOMENT

wwx touching lwj's hand to prevent him from jumping to wwx's defense, jl interpreting lwj leaning forward as him about to attack, and jc tearfully saying "I can take him!! you think I'm scared of him?" a lot going on here

oof. ough

there it is 😭 circumstances of the past aside, I'm glad they made it this point

...is that a smile? I can't even tell I swear

and NOW he's calling HIMSELF pathetic for even caring that much. my guy I think easing off on being judgemental towards yourself and your loved ones might help

JIANG CHENG APOLOGY EVENT CATCH IT ONCE EVERY TWENTY YEARS 🎇🎉🎈🎁

I can't tell if this is putting distance between jc and wwx (bc wwx is saying he did it as payment) or bringing them closer (bc wwx is saying there's no need for jc to regret or agonize over the past anymore)

I forgot how satisfying this scene was. wwx went through so many trials and despite the residual trauma, he really feels like he's able to move on. and that can include jc too

🥺🥺🥺

I believe in yunmeng sibling reconciliation!!! this was a really hopeful and honest and cathartic discussion and I feel really good about their future relationship. I get caught up in the scenes before this and I just a lot of jc fic writers on it, but after this scene I can def see their dynamic becoming much less antagonistic. wwx isn't joking about his pain or making excuses for jc or talking about how much he likes to be mistreated - he's gentle and honest and real. and he wants to move on. finally. finally they got there

[mr007pennyworth]

It upsets me to think that she didn't spend the time.

There was a moment when she cared, there was a moment when she was invested in building something for you. Then all of sudden the stairs she had agreed to help build became a chore, an issue she refused to address and repair, they became rickety, cracked, parts fell down, you saw it all.

You were scared and I watched it all. I stood behind you somewhat helpless and left only offering advice while pieces broke away and that's when I saw her breaking down what you had built with purpose. I resented it. I was angry and I couldn't stand by it. I spent years, building every step and bridge to you with the knowledge and determination that I wanted it to last forever, every nail, staple, dot of glue or cement I used to build this relationship we have now I spent every bit of my love for you on making sure you could look on at it and see just how I felt and that even when I was gone, that it held strong, it held you where we had always said we would be.

Minutes, hours, days, nights we spent building this relationship into the heaven we now hold, has more than one door...no staircase is perfectly straight, our has curves, dips, it changes colour...it has doors. It has halls. It has stops. It first stopped when i saw red. I look at my anger now and I regret that perhaps it was a warning that something was about to go wrong. My heart ache must have reverberated across the stars because it shook the foundations of the stairs you had been trying so hard to focus on.I never heard the cracks or the creaking in my own grief until your own outweighed mine and the staircase came down when she died. We didn't have the time to build and I refused to ask you to look at me, at us, at what we had when all you had known and wanted in that moment was what she had promised first.

Eventually, nail and boards were picked back up, placed, ripped up, replaced, it took time to learn that ease again, it took us time to remember how to focus, somehow it just came back I can't pin point when it had, but it did, and we began to build faster, perhaps more blindly into something we didn't understand until that day I felt a wall was needed to support the height we'd come too.

A wall that lasted thirty years.

It felt right to just stop and it also didn't, believe me when I say Gareth I wanted to you have everything you wanted and therefore I had to let go of my focus, I had to put down the tools and I sat on those stairs.

I sat on those stairs we built for thirty years watching it age but it never changed. Every step looked new, every colour was vibrant and alive. Over the years people joined me, sat with me, waited. Asked who was I waiting for? Until it became only myself and Bruce, slowly, slowly Bruce convinced me to move, he helped me fix things I hadn't considered damaged. He helped me break down that wall.

I spent so long taking it down, brick by brick, listening to nothing but my own internal monologue that I never heard the steps. I never heard someone walking up the staircase, until I was standing on the city street looking into eyes I remembered with a name I had splashed with bitter grief on my tounge.

I remember running. I remember running up those stairs wondering how I had moved so far down them, when had I moved? I stood at the top in fear, I tell you I was terrified to realize I had forgotten how to build. Finding you standing there when I turned around. Terrified to hear if you were to ask of me, to tear it all down...

Maybe it was the drugs that sent me insane, or maybe it was actually all this apparent therapy I'm told is good for me. But now I feel as if we're standing in that corridor at the top of those stairs. The walls are made of glass and we're looking down admiring what we have, enjoying it again. You seem still love every inch of it. I know I do.

But I found a door I couldn't recall making. I opened it one night and found I've never wanted to walk through it more than anything in my life. This is what I built the stairs for...isn't it? When I showed you it, you agreed, you didn't even hesitate to agree that you'd go through that door with me. We still stand there now, admiring everything we could now build, joke about it too. But I'm now thinking about the bottom of this staircase. If we go through this door, the staircase disappears. I don't know where it goes, but there is no going back a few steps. I would hope my fears were unfounded but I saw it before. That other staircase you built, disappeared.

When I woke this morning to to cold sweats to find id lost myself in a heavily drug induced dreamscape, I began to place how the dream fit into us. I'm grateful I had awoken here in your bed, here in London, if I had been anywhere else, I may not be writing this letter, I dread to consider what I would have done. I look at the house around me now and I realize we already did walk through the door, it seems I can not fathom quiet when we did but it was not recently. The door itself is even still there, it must be, that glass walled corridor is how we still see it, we still talk about it, it's still as beautiful and adored as the day we started because we have wanted it to stay that way.

It became proof in its own form that love can never be rushed if it is to stand the test of time itself. It can not be made demands of if it to resist staining or wear. It is not to be forced or coerced into growing stronger without the right support and guidance. Love can be a beautiful thing when you spend the time to nurture it slowly.

I found we no longer need to worry about how our love looks, the only thing that matters now is how we love together.

'Dear Gareth' Dairy Entry- August 15th 2023 - The Staircase Theory

[waynes-multiverse]

Hahaha I love that "a little Shakespeare" was a warning, but as Eng lit major I couldn't agree more 😂

Douchface has shown up and I was livid several times during this part. Read my outrage below 👇

“So she’s talked about me,” he said.

I wish you could see the face I made when I read this, but it was pretty much 😒😒😒

“Oh, believe you me, that’s not something to brag about, Mike.”

Give it to him, Beau! 😂👏

“I’m Michael, her fiancé,” he tried to introduce himself with an outstretched hand.

THE AUDACITY!!!! I gasped!

What are you? Delusional? Do we need to 51/50 you????

“You’re missing an ex in there. As in no longer, and wish we’d never been,” you said.

Great comeback! Bravo 😂 I love her sass!

For a moment, you paused with indecision. You didn’t want to make a scene here in the middle of a bar. Not in front of your friends, where half of them were police officers. You didn’t want to stop them from having a good time either.

Gah, I hate this! What a manipulative ass to put her in that situation! Of course, she doesnt want to discuss this in front of her new friends 😬

“That’s such a lie! You wouldn’t even talk to me at the funeral,” Michael shot back.

Who cares, Michael? Whoooo? NO ONE!

He's such an immature, gaslighting, conniving little prick... Like shut up! (I screamed this several times during this conversation with her. Pretty much at every line he said 😂)

“Look, you know how hard it was for me to come out here and beg like a dog, but here I am…because I still love you.”

“She’s not you,” he said.

DEAR GOD! This man exhausts me! Go home, Micheal! GO HOME!!!

But I loved everything that came after! Cassie bringing her tequila, Jenny offering her help, and of course, Beau *swoon* 🥹🫶

Not only had Avery bought a gun, but he’d given her some unhinged, quasi- “If I die” speech that had freaked her the hell out. 

Yeah, that was great! 🤣 That was the point in the show when I really started to get annoyed by Avery and his whiny ass lmao

I loved how you described those scenes by the way and provided the inner monologue for Beau! It's so awesome not only to see his emotions but to read them as well!

Beau’s brows rose in interest, but again, he tried not to picture you in some tight-ass yoga pants.

Oh please do, Sheriff 😏

“Only two calls and eleven texts before lunch, but I’m not answering. He’ll get the hint and go home soon,” you said.

Will he, though? I'm inclined to drop the "idiot sandwich" gif again 🙄

“Let’s just say?” you repeated. Your brows drew together in frustration. “Why don’t you just say it? God knows you know everything about my messy life.”

Hahaha damn he pissed her off! 😂 (And I love the callback to his little comment in the beginning when he still hoped he'd never meet her angry side lol)

And you brought the old clam back! 👏👏👏

And not just because you had some…unnamed feelings for her father. 

You guys are driving me nuts! It's called "liking each other." Google it. Stop messing around and make out already. You both want to 😝 (I think I'm still upset over that whole Michael annoyance and lashing out. I apologize... kinda 😂🙈)

“God. Maybe he wants to get back together with his ex-wife,” you realized, with some small shock.

Ugh, yikes. God no... 👀

the sniping and the arguments and the misunderstandings between them had been love all along…

Mmmh, yeah, like kindergartners tugging on pigtails 😆

“Michael?! What are you doing here?” you asked.  He stood there with determination set across his face. “We really need to talk.”

YOU ALREADY DID!!!

I knew he was dense 😒🤦‍♀️

And I know I used waaay too many gifs in this part, but like I stated in the beginning I was livid and ahd to express myself. I channeled it into gifs. You're welcome 🤣

Such an exciting and fantastic part! I honestly love to get upset while reading and yell at characters. I had so much fun during this 😅🫶

Can't wait to see how she deals with Michael in the next chapter! 🤍

Take Me Home - Part 5

Pairing: Beau Arlen x F. Reader 

Summary: You are another lost soul at Sunny Day Excursions. You’re aiming to settle in Helena, Montana, where Beau Arlen is the new sheriff in town. But you’ve both got a past you’re running from. 

AN: Welcome back, friends! We’re gonna start ramping up from here on out.

Word Count: 5K

Tags/Warnings: Angst and tension, a bit of heartbreak, a little Shakespeare, and another small cliffhanger…

❤️ Series Masterlist

Part 5: Not That Simple

“I’m keeping close tabs on Carla and Emily just to be safe,” Beau admitted. 

Your face became the picture of concern. But before you could respond, a man approached the table, tall and lean, with a shaggy cut of dark blonde hair. He wore a pair of faded jeans, boots, and a gray Chicago FD t-shirt. 

Your face paled, and your mouth parted in surprise. 

“Hey there, stranger,” he said with a smile. 

“Michael?” you gasped. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Beau’s eyes widened. Michael was younger than him, closer to your age. And cocky too.  

“Hey, baby,” Michael said. His smile quirked with charm, but his next words were anything but charming. 

“We need to talk,” he said, raising his brows.

“We actually don’t,” you retorted in a firmer voice. Cold even. You straightened in your seat. 

Beau saw none of your softness and good humor from earlier. This was a different woman, and he was actually proud of you for standing your ground. Though he realized then that he’d never gotten on your bad side. (He hoped he never did.)

Michael frowned, sighing through his nose. He seemed to expect your reaction, to an extent, but was still disappointed. His gaze slid to Beau. 

Seeming to realize his manners were lacking, he reached out his hand.

“Sorry for interrupting. Michael Hadley,” he greeted.

Beau stared at the other man’s hand for a moment. Instead of shaking it, he held all his true thoughts inside and flashed the newcomer an easy grin, as well as the badge on his belt. 

“Sheriff Arlen,” he replied, raising a brow. “So you’re Michael.”

Michael met your eyes briefly, then Beau’s again. Michael’s hand lowered back to his side.

“So she’s talked about me,” he said.

Beau’s eyes were sharper when they took the other man in. 

“Oh, believe you me, that’s not something to brag about, Mike.”

You had to bite your lip so you wouldn’t smile. Michael’s politeness thinned, but just as his mouth opened to offer a retort, Cassie and Jenny returned with the drinks.

“Hi, there,” Jenny said with civility (sort of), but her blue eyes raked over Michael in an assessing way. She’d clocked your surprise and discomfort from across the room.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to stop the party,” Michael said, making you want to scoff.

Of course you did, you thought.

“I’m Michael, her fiancé,” he tried to introduce himself with an outstretched hand. Jenny also ignored that hand in order to set down the drinks.

It gave you the opportunity to interject with some reality.

“You’re missing an ex in there. As in no longer, and wish we’d never been,” you said. You crossed your arms and met Michael’s annoyed look with your firm one.

He eventually sighed and rested a hand on the back of the booth, behind your seat. You twisted to face him, but you were purposeful in leaning away from him.

Beau had to just watch the scene unfold. He didn’t like the way Michael leaned in, crowding your personal space when you were clearly trying to create distance.

“Can we talk?” Michael asked you. “Please?”

For a moment, you paused with indecision. You didn’t want to make a scene here in the middle of a bar. Not in front of your friends, where half of them were police officers. You didn’t want to stop them from having a good time either.

You met Cassie and Jenny’s eyes, and finally Beau’s. Despite the controlled, almost lazy way he’d handled Michael, you could see he didn’t look happy. You sighed.

“Sorry. Give me a minute,” you said. You got up out of the booth and went with Michael to a somewhat private corner across the restaurant.

Meanwhile, Beau tried not to seem like he was keeping an eye on you two. Cassie and Jenny were too, while sipping on their respective drinks.

“What’s the story there?” Cassie asked.

“Cheating ex,” Beau supplied.

“Great,” Jenny said wryly. Her lips pursed as she met Cassie’s knowing frown. They’d been there before.

Cassie turned to Beau and bumped his shoulder with her own. 

“You okay there, Sheriff?” Cassie asked him. Beau flashed her a look that showed he was unsettled. 

“I’ve got another one to add to the punch list,” he replied.

“I can’t believe you’d ambush me like this!” you whisper-yelled.

Michael crossed his arms in defense. The two of you ducked a server who was coming in hot with a plate of buffalo chicken wings.

“You came all the way to Montana? For what?” you continued. “I already said everything I had to say to you last year. And at Mary’s funeral. Thanks again for that, asshole.”

“That’s such a lie! You wouldn’t even talk to me at the funeral,” Michael shot back. “And you haven’t been answering my calls, my emails. What the hell was I supposed to do?”

“You’re supposed to respect me,” you snapped. Though you couldn’t help the emotion making your voice shake, just a little. “You’re supposed to respect me, and my choices. That’s what you’re supposed to do. But I don’t why I should expect you to start now."

You started to walk away from him, but he grabbed at your hand. You turned back around and jerked your hand out of his grasp.

“It’s over. It’s been over for months. Damn near a year,” you said. “What do you want?”

He looked down at you through sad eyes under his furrowed brows.

“I never wanted it to be over,” he said quietly.

“Well, you pretty much made that decision for us,” you said, crossing your arms. You didn’t know whether it was to stand firm, or to shield yourself. “And I’m done. Quite frankly, I could live the rest of my life without seeing you again.”

“Come on. You don’t mean that,” he said.

He genuinely looked gutted, which was the confusing part. You shook your head and tried to blink the frustrated tears out of your eyes.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” you said.

“I want to say I’m sorry. And I am, more than you know. I want…I want to ask if you can forgive me,” he all but pleaded. He touched your arms, not quite grasping. For the first time since you’d known him, he seemed desperate. “Look, you know how hard it was for me to come out here and beg like a dog, but here I am…because I still love you.”

You were shocked into silence for a moment, but not out of happiness.

Then, you had to sigh. You held up a hand against his chest, a subtle move at pushing him away. 

“I can’t give that to you. Even your apology is hollow. Because what you did…” you said, on a halting breath. “You did it to me for years, Michael. Pretty much from the beginning of our relationship, if it ever was one.” 

You shook your head as a tear made its way down your cheek. 

“And if you could do that, then you never really loved me,” you said.

Michael’s eyes fell away, to hide the emotion stinging in them.

“So…just go home,” you told him. “Be with Kate if you want. I could really give a shit.”

Once again, Michael held your wrist when you tried to leave, this time more gently. He met you with frustrated blue eyes. Those eyes you used to drown in. 

“She’s not you,” he said. 

You slipped out of his grip and uttered a laugh devoid of all humor.

“That, you should’ve known from the beginning,” you said.

He was hurt.

And when he was hurt, he tended to cover it up with anger. His jaw began to work with frustration.

“What, so you’re just going to run away? Live in this dusty piece of shit town until you die?” he said, with the derision you’d come to expect from him when he didn’t get what he wanted. 

“Go home, Michael,” you repeated. “I’m not going back.” 

“Everything okay?” Beau asked, when you finally returned to the table. He didn’t tell you that he, Jenny, and Cassie had been watching on standby, in case Michael tried to press his luck and get more grabby. It had taken everything within Beau to stay in his seat for the past ten minutes.

You gave him a smile and took up the shot of tequila Cassie had brought for you. You downed it and grimaced at the burn.

“I’m good,” you said, with a bit of difficulty. Part of you felt accomplished, that you’d faced Michael and hadn’t let him soften your resolve. Yet there was a big part of you—not so deep down—that felt like utter crap.

“Sorry for the unnecessary drama,” you muttered. 

Jenny gave you a more serious look. One that said she had no problem stepping in if she needed to.

“If you ever feel unsafe, just let one of us know,” she said. 

“That’s right. If he doesn’t leave it alone, all you need to do is call,” Beau added. Cassie echoed that sentiment with a nod. You met Beau’s gaze, despite the uncertainty inside you.

If you need me, call me, his eyes said. 

You nodded then, with a thankful smile. 

Beau couldn’t help it. He felt protective of you. It welled up in his chest and simultaneously felt heavy like a stone. And he could admit, if just to himself, that it was in the personal sense. 

He tried to remember that his life was complicated right now. Too complicated probably, for all of that…but he cared about you. And he didn’t want to see you hurt.

Out of the corner of his eye, Beau spotted Michael Hadley at the bar. He was drinking a beer with an angry frown, and no good written all over his face.

Carla called Beau in a tizzy yesterday morning. 

Not only had Avery bought a gun, but he’d given her some unhinged, quasi- “If I die” speech that had freaked her the hell out. 

In searching Avery’s vacant hotel room, Beau found the missing pages of Paige’s journal. Pages that contained a seed phrase passcode to unlock the $15 million crypto account she and Luke had stolen. 

If Avery had those pages, then it only confirmed that Avery had made a play for the money in order to save his failing business. He was attempting to break the encrypted code to unlock the account, likely for the shady-ass people Paige stole the money from in the first place.  

Naturally, Beau had gone looking to bring the man in for questioning. He’d found Avery at a different, much seedier hotel, being led away by another man who walked and talked like a killer. Beau rightly assumed he was a hitman, gunning for Avery, and quite literally about to take out the trash.

Maybe the people he was working with were tired of waiting on him to unlock the account. Or maybe he’d already done it, and now they’d decided they didn��t need him anymore.

Beau was able to save Avery’s life, shooting the hitman. Then he’d arrested Avery. In return for that save, Avery had been giving Beau the runaround all night, with a side helping of audacity. 

“What’s your plan here, man?” Beau asked. He leaned forward in his chair across from Avery’s. A narrow table lied in between them within the small holding cell for questioning. 

“New identity? Thailand? Or maybe you’re not into the whole heat thing. Maybe Winnipeg,” Beau posed, with all due sarcasm. “You see, these people don’t forgive. And they don’t forget. And the ones that steal from them rarely die alone, which means you have put Carla, and you’ve put my daughter into danger. Did you even think about that?”

Right about now, Beau himself was beyond forgive and forget. In fact, he was irate. But he held it all down beneath a thin line of professionalism, despite the fire in his eyes. 

Avery rested his elbows on the table as well.

“Everything I’ve done has been to protect my family. That’s all you need to know,” he said. “You on the other hand. You’ve made quite the mess, haven’t you? Killing that man put us all in more danger.”

He then leaned back in his chair, as if he held all the cards, and Beau was just a monkey wrench in his plans. It was a good front, but Beau saw right through it all. Avery was bluffing through his ass.

Still, he put on a good show.

“And now I’d very much like to speak to my lawyer,” he said. 

It took everything within the sheriff to stop himself from reaching across the table, grabbing the other man by the collar, and yanking him down hard on the table, face-first. 

Instead, he got up from his seat, deceptively calm. The only explosion of his rage came when he kicked his chair hard on his way out, making it slide across the room and hit the wall. He yanked the cell door open and closed it firm behind him.

He knew he couldn’t hold Avery, not even on Paige’s journal pages. As Avery had so cleverly pointed out, the money hadn’t been reported stolen (why would criminals drop a dime on themselves?). So Beau would let Avery go, for now. All he could do was wait for the cocky son of a bitch to mess up, even more than he already had. 

Beau hated waiting.

But his next step was returning to his office and calling Carla. He asked her to join Emily in staying with him, until this thing with Avery blew over. Likely the people he was working with knew where he lived, knew how to find Carla and Emily. 

Carla sounded shaken even on the phone, but she agreed.

“Is Emily at work right now?” he asked.

“Yeah. I’ll tell her,” Carla said, releasing a breath. “I’ll take her to your place again tonight, and I’ll bring an overnight bag for myself.”

“Good,” he said. “Thank you.”

After hanging up, Beau leaned back in his office chair and covered his bearded face with his hands. He rubbed at his tired eyes. What the hell do I do now? 

The answer eluded him, especially when a knock sounded against his door, disturbing his thoughts. He sighed.

“Yeah?”

“It’s me,” you answered from behind the door. “I come bearing baked goods.”

Beau’s eyes widened in surprise. He beckoned you to come in, and so you did. 

“Working hard, or hardly working?” you teased.

The sight of you was a balm to his frayed mind. Your familiar face, your pretty yellow sundress, the way you’d done your hair. It all managed to kick up his smile at seeing yours. Not to mention the delicious smelling basket you carried on your arm. The top was covered with a red checkered cloth. 

“Hey, there. How’re you doin’?” he greeted, trying to hide the brunt of his former frustration and worry behind a more upbeat attitude. 

He knew he hadn’t done well enough when your smile began to fall. 

“Sorry, did I come at a bad time?” you asked in concern. “Deputy Poppernak told me I could stop in real quick…”

Beau shook his head and waved you in. “It’s all right. Come in, please.” 

He stood and walked around his desk to sit on its edge. 

“I have a feeling I’m gonna want whatever’s in that basket,” he added, nodding at the whicker you carried. You offered it to him, and your warm hand brushed his on the exchange. 

“Just a little something,” you said. “And an apology for making a scene at the bar last night.”

Beau frowned. “You’re not really blaming yourself for that, are you?”

Though he soon brightened, whistling lowly when he found a half dozen chocolate chip muffins under the checkered cloth. A smile grew across his face when it dawned on him. The first thing you offered him when he met you was this very same treat. 

He had a feeling your muffins would be even better. (...And he tried not to think about the potential double meaning there.)

“Damn, between you and your aunt Denise, I’m gonna have to start running again,” he quipped. His eyes met yours in amusement. “And between you and me, I freakin’ hate running.”

You chuckled at that. “I’m more of a yoga girl, myself.”

Beau’s brows rose in interest, but again, he tried not to picture you in some tight-ass yoga pants.

“Thank you for this,” he said, instead, waving the basket of muffins. He set it down beside him on the desk. “I definitely needed a pick-me-up today.”

You searched his face and began to frown at what you saw there. He both looked and sounded…tired, down. Not himself. 

You drew closer and chanced resting a hand on his arm. “Hey, are you okay?”

Beau glanced down at your hand. He took in a deep breath through his nose before he met your gaze again.

“Yeah, don’t you worry. Everything’s fine,” he said. You gave him a somewhat chiding look.

“Beau, you don’t have to tell me it’s okay when it’s not,” you said.

He considered you ruefully. He should’ve known you were perceptive enough to see right through him. Or maybe he was just a shit actor. 

He blew out a breath and nodded. “I asked Carla and Emily to stay with me for the next few days. At least until this investigation of Avery plays out.”

Your patient expression melted into worry. You had a feeling he wouldn’t do that unless things were truly dangerous. 

“See, that’s what I didn’t wanna see,” he said, lightly bumping a curled finger under your chin. Despite yourself, you smiled a little. “I just want them where I can see them, is all.” 

He was putting on a good front, but you weren’t convinced. And Beau could see that. He nodded at you to change the subject. 

“Has Mike tried to contact you?” he asked. It was your turn to let out a sigh.

“Only two calls and eleven texts before lunch, but I’m not answering. He’ll get the hint and go home soon,” you said. 

But Beau was perceptive too. He knew you well enough to read your added thoughts as you frowned and looked away. It said, At least, you hope he will. 

Beau wanted to reassure you, not just to help make you feel safe, but because his gut churned with both unease and anger at the thought of that guy harassing you. 

Beau reached out and gave into the temptation to stroke a thumb across your cheek, earning not just your attention, but your widening eyes. 

“Hey. No more worrying, huh?” he said. His voice was quieter, warmer. He gave you a smile, along with an assured look.

“If anything happens—” he started to say, but you actually beat him to it. You held his hand to your cheek, surprising him this time.

“Yeah, I know. I’ve got the sheriff on speed dial,” you said. Your smile was sweet and teasing. 

Beau had to smile back. His gaze roamed your face. Then your eyes dipped down to his lips. There was heat between you, prickling across your skin and zipping up his spine. It was an inevitable, raw kind of feeling.

He wanted, more than anything, to lean in those precious few inches and find out what you tasted like… He wanted nothing more than to haul you up on this desk, hands sliding up the skirt of that sundress.  

But he held himself back with more self-control than he thought himself capable of. His hand fell away from your cheek. You looked up at him in confusion, and a bit of hurt.

“I’m sorry,” he said, in a lowered voice. “My life is…complicated.”

“And mine’s not?” you countered.

“Not the same,” Beau said. “Trust me. I uh, I’ve got some things in my past that I’m not proud of. Let’s just say you’re better off steering clear.”

“Let’s just say?” you repeated. Your brows drew together in frustration. “Why don’t you just say it? God knows you know everything about my messy life.”

Beau sighed. His gaze fell away from yours. 

“It’s not that simple, darlin’,” he said. 

He saw your disappointment, tinged with disbelief. As much as he didn’t want to hurt you, he also didn’t really have time to explain things properly to you. The truth was, he didn’t have time for this. 

“Look—” he tried, but you cut him off.

“No. It’s fine, I guess,” you said. You looked down at your shoes and muttered, mostly to yourself. “Em was right. You are an old clam.”

“What?” Beau asked in confusion. 

You shook your head and withdrew from him. 

“Okay, sorry. I just…you know what? I need to go,” you stumbled over your words a bit, and you backed away.    

It had Beau feeling at a loss already, not to mention the lance of guilt hitting him between the ribs. He stretched out a hand to you.

“Wait—”

You were too quick for him to stop, however. He watched you leave his office in a hurry, and mentally kicked himself all the while. He sighed and looked over at what you’d left behind—the damn basket of muffins. They smelled heavenly. Torturing him. 

Damn it all, he thought, until he played back the reel of what you’d said in his mind.

“Old clam?” he repeated. 

Once again, a knock on his office door disturbed his thoughts. Except this time, it was Deputy Poppernak.

He stopped short, seeing the furrowed look of confused, guilty frustration on the sheriff’s face. 

“Everything okay, boss?” 

“Fine,” Beau said, shaking his head. “What d’you got?”

Poppernak hesitated for a second, but he held up a file that he passed along. 

“Here’s everything I could dig up on the guy from the hotel shooting,” he said. 

 Good, Beau thought. A worthy distraction. 

You gave Poppernak a belated wave on your way out. You didn’t want to answer any questions or talk to anyone else. You just wanted to escape to your car, where you covered your face with your hands and tried to breathe through the tears stinging in your eyes.

Once again, you felt stupid. Your heart was racing in the worst of ways.

So you peeled out of the police station and headed home…

Or rather, you almost headed home. When you saw Dewell & Hoyt P.I. coming up on the right side of the road, you turned into the parking lot and went inside to see if your aunt was working. 

Cassie wasn’t in, but Denise and Emily were. You greeted them both with warm hugs (and you tried to hide your frustrations from the latter, especially). 

“What brought you in, hun?” Denise asked. 

“Nothing really. I was just in the area and decided to pop in,” you replied with a shrug. Denise smiled and rubbed your arm.

“Well good. Em’s actually going on a coffee run for us. You want anything?”

“No, no, I’m good,” you said. 

“You sure?” said Emily. “I can get you a banana bread or something.”

You smiled and shook your head, touching her arm in thanks. “It’s okay, honey. I just had lunch not too long ago.”

“Okay. Oh hey! Did you ask Dad about being on the podcast?” Emily asked. 

You blinked as you went blank for a moment. The last thing you wanted to do right now was see that man (even if your heart called you a liar). You narrowly kept yourself from lying to Emily as well.

“Uh, yeah, we did talk about it. He’s on board with the idea,” you said, trying to give her a smile. Maybe it didn’t reach your eyes, but Emily seemed to buy it. She smiled back in triumph.

“Yes! Okay, this is good. Now I just gotta start thinking of some questions and we’ll set a date to record the first episode,” she said, doing a little fist pump into the air. 

You tried to match her enthusiasm, but you knew you were falling short. Denise could see it too. Lucky for you, Emily ran off to get to the nearby bakery, the excitement keeping her face bright all the while. 

Denise turned to you knowingly. 

“Okay, grab a seat. I’ll make us some tea, and you can tell me what’s got you looking white as a sheet,” she said.

You sighed and sat down in the lounge area—a seating of couches and a chaise. You sat on the couch while Denise took the chaise. And between mugs of jasmine tea, you told her everything that happened at the precinct when you went to visit Beau.

When you were done explaining, Denise looked contemplative and sympathetic. However, you knew there was more to that look. 

“Okay. Honey, I know you don’t want to hear this, but he’s in a complex situation right now,” she said. “Between investigating Avery, and how it’s falling back on Carla and Emily—”

“I know. He told me about that,” you said. You were worried about them too. While you didn’t know Carla all that well, your friendship with Emily meant something to you. And not just because you had some…unnamed feelings for her father. 

Your bond with Emily had started at that damned camp, and solidified the night of Mary’s murder. “Trauma bonding” was a thing for a reason. But besides that experience, you genuinely enjoyed the girl’s company, hearing her talk about her interests in school, careers she was considering after college, and even helping her explore her creative side. She was young, but she was bright and mature for her age. 

You cared about what all this was putting her through…though you finally realized that Emily might not be comfortable with the thought of “you and Beau.”

“I don’t want to upset Emily with all this either,” you admitted. “I don’t even know what she thinks of her dad possibly dating again.”

And something else you hadn’t considered. Could all this shakeup between Avery and Carla, not to mention her and Emily staying at Beau’s place now…

“God. Maybe he wants to get back together with his ex-wife,” you realized, with some small shock. 

It wasn’t inconceivable, and it had tears welling up in your eyes for a whole different reason.

"Oh, honey, you don't know that," Denise started to say. You shook your head and set down your tea.

“You know what? I’m just gonna go home,” you said, but Denise tried to keep you with gentle hands on your arms.

“Come on. You don’t have to go,” she said. 

You shook your head and eased out of her grasp. 

“Sorry. I just…it’s his choice, and if he’s already made it…” you trailed. You didn’t want to even acknowledge that your heart was fracturing. “Well, if that’s the case, then I have to respect that.”

Denise didn’t know what else to say to you. But that was just as well. 

“Tell Em I’m sorry, but I had to go,” you said. 

Denise protested, but you left Dewell & Hoyt before your tears could fall in earnest. 

When you actually got home, you were exhausted. It was a case of emotional stress weighing down your body as you forced yourself up the stairs to your second-floor apartment.

You didn’t bother changing. Instead, you grabbed a familiar book of plays from your desk and dropped yourself onto the couch. You got comfortable with Much Ado About Nothing. You hadn’t finished reading it while at the camp, and you needed to brush up on it if you were going to be mentally prepared for the coming school year.

It felt like a world away, but at least with the characters in Much Ado, you had familiar ground. In the scene you were reading, the main characters, Beatrice and Benedick, were already at each other’s throats:

BENEDICK: What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet living?  

BEATRICE: Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick? Courtesy itself must convert to disdain if you come in her presence.  

BENEDICK: Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted; and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart, for truly I love none. 

BEATRICE: A dear happiness to women. They would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and my cold blood I am of your humor for that. I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.

It was hard to believe that these two were supposed to fall in love. Actually, their later “epiphanies” would lead them to realize that the sniping and the arguments and the misunderstandings between them had been love all along…

But you’d come to realize that there was no “Benedick” for you in real life. Sometimes, the angry sniping wasn’t sexual tension. It was just a man who’d never truly respect you.

And sometimes, the arguments and misunderstandings were just two people in the right place at the wrong time, never quite meant to be. 

Thankfully, a knock at your door interrupted your romantic musings. 

Releasing a sigh, you set Much Ado on the glass coffee table in front of you. You got up from the couch and went to the front door, where you looked in the peephole. Your lips drew into a frown, but your disbelief had you unlocking the door before you could think better of it.

“Michael?! What are you doing here?” you asked. 

He stood there with determination set across his face.

“We really need to talk.”

AN: *Sigh.* This guy just doesn't learn, does he? And I'm not just talking about Michael.

Next Time:

“If you give me one more chance, I promise I won’t mess it up again. I’ll be the man you deserve,” Michael said, taking your hand and uncrossing your arms in the process. 

“Believe it or not, I took a week off without pay, just to be here and get a chance to say this to you: I love you. I love you. And I know now that it’s meant to be you.”

You hesitated, and even made the mistake of looking up into his eyes.

▶️ Keep Reading: PART 6

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[masontalo]

«Conversation»

«inside…»

Vayt was once again walking home from work. As always. It hadn't been that long since he'd slept at Farz's house, only a couple days. It was a respite for him, and probably the best day he'd had in the six months he'd been living with them. Right after that day, Vayt was breathing easier. For a little while, but he was. Better that than suffocating in smoke mixed with nightmare.

It was the middle of the week, but the working day was over for some of the population. Vayt calmly walked down the street in his thoughts, namely, what would be better to have for dinner. A one-dollar hot dog, which he'd rather puke up later, or find something heartier. His stinginess was slowly killing him from every angle. It remained to be seen what Vayt might die of, pneumonia, starvation, or the fact that sometimes he couldn't keep his mouth shut, for which he would be beaten in an alley, driven into the woods, and the corpse would not be found in the springtime.

But all the gloomy thoughts dissipated when Vayt's phone rang. He hadn't gotten a call-in month, so who needed him? Who of THEM remembered he existed?

Vayt pulled out his phone and saw the contact "Anthony." His eyes widened with surprise, if not shock, and only one question popped into his mind. HOW?

Vayt cleared his throat and picked up the phone.

- Yes? - he said quietly into the receiver.

- Vayt, is that you? - came a familiar voice from the other end of the line.

His chest began to hurt.

- Yeah, it's me, - Vayt answered, raising the volume of his voice a little.

- Listen, my shift ends in two hours. Could you come by the cafe after that time? We need to talk.

Vayt couldn't make out anything in Anthony's voice. What does Anthony want from him? Is he angry? Upset? Anxious? But maybe he would have understood his intentions if the pain in his chest hadn't interrupted his thoughts.

- Okay, but how the hell did you get my number? - Vayt asked with a nervous chuckle.

There was silence on the other end of the line for a few seconds.

- It's not that matter, - Anthony said cursorily. - So, can you come?

"HOW DID YOU GET MY FUCKING NUMBER?" - passed with panic in Vayt's mind after the phrase "it's not that matter." But he quickly came to his senses as he was turned.

- Yeah, okay. I'll come, - Vayt said, his voice hoarse from the lump in his throat.

- See ya!

Anthony ended the call. Vayt cleared his throat.

- See ya, - he whispered, putting the phone back in his pocket.

He didn't stop during the entire conversation, but afterward his legs began to shake, his chest began to hurt more, and his thoughts were racing around.

"What does he want from me? Did I do something wrong? How did he get my number? Did Farz tell him something about me? No way, he doesn't look like that. And I didn't leave my number for him, either. Then how did he get it? Did HE contact him? But how? I was only gone for one night, I don't think he would have gone looking for me so soon. What happened then?"

He was able to walk to the nearest bench and just sit down. For the first time in a long time, someone wanted something from him.

Realizing that his chest hurt more than usual, he reached into his backpack and pulled out a bottle of water and a bottle of Valerian, the only sedative they could sell him.

"Two or three pills," - thought Vayt, looking at the plate. He was like a poor man looking at the last of his money and thinking when and where it would be better to buy bread.

Weighing the pros and cons he still drank three.

"It hurts, it's scary, it's better this way. I won't die from one more pill," - his thoughts went through his mind again.

After a while his chest stopped hurting and it was time to go to the cafe to find out what was wanted from him and how badly he would be beaten and why. Vayt couldn't even find an excuse, because he didn't know what he'd be accused of doing.

As he walked, he began an internal monologue:

"What's with the panic? Why are you panicking? Why the hell are you so panicked? Where does that come from in you anyway? Calm down, nobody is going to beat you up, you're worrying for nothing again. Don't be paranoid, calm down".

A couple minutes and he was already near the door of the cafe, which had a 'closed' sign on it.

"Should I go in? After all, Anthony asked me to come in, and he works here. I hope I don't get kicked out with a shout," - Vayt thought as he walked in.

There were only two people in the cafe - Anthony and the second man who had called Vayt an addict. The chairs were already overturned and it was clear that the cafe was getting ready to close. Only two chairs had not been turned over. It was the second man, whose name Vayt didn't know, who was the first to react to Vayt's arrival. He stood behind the counter and seemed to be counting the day's profits.

- I'm sorry, but we're closed, - he said in a stern voice.

Vayt was about to reply, but he noticed Anthony at the other end of the hall, who interrupted him:

- It's okay, I'm asked him to come in to talk. Don't worry, I'll clean it up and then close the cafe, - Anthony said to calm the other man down.

The second man sighed and said quietly:

- Okay, just don't take too long.

Anthony looked at Vayt and smiled softly.

"This is going to be a long conversation." - ran through Vayt's mind.

[traightor]

@warhaeds : 💋 + reverse >:) ( shut evie up with a kiss, accepting! )

he's been like this for days. she's not quite sure what has set him off, but whatever it was was more than enough for evangeline to maintain some semblance of annoyance. then again, it was a series of events that put them here. the apartment, their apartment. a space for them to be together, alone, and yet despite everything he still couldn't put down whatever it was he was holding.

he held it in his entire body. tenseness in his shoulders, hardness in his muscles. all of his hair stood on end, it seemed, and she could not help but be amused - wasn't she, out of the two of them, supposed to be the one that acted like a hissed up pussycat? her internal monologue's jokes aside, she worried for him. normally, he's able to put down whatever it was he was holding onto when they were here, together, alone. and regardless of the cute white dress she'd managed to find and bleach, he still held all of this in his body.

she had asked him what went wrong. he opened the floodgates.

evangeline had many roles to washington. partner, lover, submissive, confidant, caretaker, maiden, personal cook, mote of innocence, plaything. and whatever it was he wanted her to be, she did diligently: he never abused this power, and when she felt passionate enough about something, he placed her at the top of his commentaries, sometimes barking over some of his advisors, depending on topic material. and so when he started fussing, complaining about dante and about some new, low ranking members picking fights, and about helena's newest bouts of hormonal irritation, and about john's newest daydreams, she had become very aware of the situation at hand.

she was fine, however, until he raised his voice.

evangeline could handle a great many things, her heart open and her forgiveness limitless, but what she could not handle was the raised voice of an angry man. it upset her in ways she could not explain, and she had already told him once that it did so. she doesn't blame him, though; not when the world settled on his broad shoulders in such a way.

so, she does what she thinks is best, and reaches up, rising onto her tiptoes to pull at his collar with both hands, pulling him all the way down ( and he never fought her, so came with her ) to meet lips on lips, the feintest hint of protective coating on hers, melting with the righteous anger of his. she swallows it, swallows him whole, and when their mouths separate, she flutters pale eyelashes, looking up at him. the apartment is deadly silent.

' this isn't a place for your anger. ' she told him in a whisper, one deafening. ' i want you to put it away. '

[willqayers]

MIKE'S MONOLOGUE BREAKDOWN

i went ranting about this on twitter a while ago but i thought might as well put it here. as i said before, this is a compilation of my own thoughts and also theories i’ve seen on the internet. let's start with the first section of mike's monologue

he doesn't know what to do at first, he's scared and he's trying to comfort el by saying he's right by her side, this might be me analyzing too much but i noticed the frame where the vines start to tighten more is when el hears mike speaking for the first time. el scans the environment searching for mike, but she doesn't see him, this also could be a symbolism of mike only being able to express his feelings whenever she's not looking (kissing her at the airport while wearing glasses, saying he loves her in s3 when she's not in the room and immediately regretting it after, him wearing vision obstructing glasses when they're sitting together in the “the piggyback” episode).

he doesn't know what to do, nor what to say, even though we saw in previous episodes what was the thing she wanted to hear from mike, even at that he doesn't say it on his own. not until will reminds him "he's the heart" that he has to keep going. i can notice even a bit after that he's still doubtful of what to say, and then he reassures her again making her know he's there with her, after that we can hear an audio cue indicating that the vines are still tightening around her neck. she doesn't really feel mike is with her, or at least, they're not on the same page anymore.

"and…" he looks to the side, the left side, to be specific. this tends to be a common thing when people don't know what to say, are thinking about what to say, are doubtful of their own words, and in some cases is a way to show the person is lying.

when mike finally says "i love you" you can see pain in her expression, the vines tighten again, and then you can hear and see thunder and lighting, as you might already know this is a common resource in tv media and films to indicate that the person who's talking is lying, and remember everything is on purpose and everything's there for a reason. as i could also observe while rewatching the show, we can see the same method being used in s2ep5 when joyce lies to bob about will's condition, will is possesed by the mindflayer and she tells him he's fine. el doesn't believe mike, or at least she didn't want to hear mike finally say those words when she's on the verge of dying, it doesn't feel genuine, it's like he's being forced to say them because he knows she might die and thinks that's what she wanted to hear at a moment like this. "i'm sorry i don't say it more" okay, then he knows el was right when they fought? this confuses me because then why did he get upset at her when she said "you never say it" replying to her "i say it". did he had a moment of realization throughout the episodes? or did he get mad at her and was defensive because he maybe didn't want to accept he doesn't love her anymore, at least not in the way he's supposed to love her.

"it's not because im scared of you. im not. i never felt that way" we can see some instances when mike shows clear fear about el's actions, for example at rink o mania when el hits angela, we can see his expression followed by an audio cue that indicates clear fear, and again in s1 when she pushes lucas with her powers, mike clearly scared and angry, saying to her "what's wrong with you?". then again we can see the thunder on el's side and the audio cue AGAIN of the vines tightening. she knows he's lying, she knows he's scared of her and she knows mike also lied during their argument when he said "i was surprised [...] i just didn't know what to do"

"but i am scared that one day you realize you don't need me anymore" we know how mike struggles with the feeling of being needed for those who he cares for, he even says to will in the previous episode that he's scared of el realizing she doesn't really need him. mike just wants someone to need him, he strongly needs someone who he can protect. but doing this, he forgets that el is her own person and can make her own decisions (throwback to max in s3, who was the one to teach el that). when mike and el met eachother, she needed guidance, protection, and mike saw in her that need and chose to protect her.

"and i thought that if i said how i felt it would somehow make that day hurt more" when he says those words we get a close up of will looking at him with a devastated look in his eyes, the directors wanted us to see his reaction for a specific reason. mike is using the same words he told him in the van and transforming them into a non genuine love confession. or maybe it can also be interpreted as will realizing mike and el's relationship isn't as happy as he thought it was, remember will being our unreliable narrator. he always showed us from his point of view that mike and el were a loving couple, maybe that sentence was the one who made him realize mike wasn't actually showing her how he really feels, because again, will didn't know that. it might be a stretch but i think it's worth looking at it from both perspectives.

"but the truth is, i don't know how to live without you" we were shown in s2 he was definitely able to live without her. yes, he used to tried and contact her before the whole thing with will happened, but in my personal opinion i think that was only because he cared for her as a friend and felt guilty that she was the one who sacrificed herself for their safety, nothing more. they almost didn't know eachother at that point and didn't have any kind of development whatsoever. we can see that on the first episodes but then he kinda just, forgets el even exists until she appears again at the end of the season.

"i feel like my life started that day i we found you on the woods" something that might be a stretch but i'll point it out anyways, the fact he says 'we found you'. if this was a genuine and intimate love confession why saying "we" instead of something like "the day i saw you" or "the day i found you", again, this is surely a stretch but there it is. mike's first impression of her was that she was a crazy person and he even wanted to send her to a mental facility not even two days after meeting her. he was definitely lying because it was not love at first sight. will had disappeared the day before that and that was mike's first priority, not even to point out he said that with will being right beside him, but then again, he might not have realized because again, he was telling el what he thought she wanted to hear. also, mike mentioned to will in the van scene that finding her wasn't fate nor destiny, it was just "simple dumb luck", so the contradiction in his choice of words give a lot to talk to about.

"you were wearing that yellow benny's burger tshirt and it was so big it swallowed you whole" the first smile we see in el's face was after recalling a silly memory, but the vines are still tightening around her neck because it wasn't actually a good memory, she had just escaped the facility that trapped her her whole life and i personally think that was the last thing she wanted to remember at that moment, especially after knowing the truth of what really happened. but then again, mike didn't know this so i don't personally blame him.

"and i knew right then and there that i loved you" again with the bull, i already mentioned this, but mike at first thought she was a crazy person, and we know for a fact that the writers of the show don't believe in love at first sight, as they stated it on a tweet in 2019, meaning that it couldn't be on purpose, they actually don't believe in love at first sight and the fact that they even used that trope as a part of a supposed love confession for one of their main pairs definitely means something. we also know that the only reason mike let her stay with them in the first place was because she recognized will in a photo and knew how to find him.

"i love with your powers, i love you without your powers. i love you for exactly who you are" throughout the seasons we only see mike referring as her qualities being a "superhero", "superman" (very curious choice of words since wonder woman existed in that time). there too few if not none scenes of him saying something that involves her actual qualities as a person outside of her "being a superhero" or "she saved the world twice". we can also see that el is crying, i personally think she was hoping that mike would say something different to her, she always thought that mike did love her for who she is, but she realized it wasn't true.

"you can do anything, you can fly, you can move mountains, i believe that" this is just straight up idolization. we never even see el do those kinds of things in the show. if you love someone for who they are you would have something more to say about them than only enlisting things around their powers. like, come on, they had cute scenes together, the snow ball scene being the first one on the list. why not mentioning their memories together? the whole reason mike and el fought in the first place was because she thinks of herself as a monster that doesn't belong, she realized that the monster was brenner all along, but she doesn't want to be seen as a superhero, and in that fight they had it was clearly seen that she wanted someone to see her as more than just that. this is definitely not what el wanted to hear at all, and you can see that on her face, she's tired of being referred as a superhero. she's being choked yeah, but she's also paying attention to everything mike says, pointing it out again that the vines are still tightening around her neck.

mike then says that she has to fight, vines tightening once again and again the thunder in the background, this is when mike's voice begins to fade a bit. it's only when she looks at max that the vines stop. necessary to point out, even though everyone knows, that max was the first one to actually see el for what she is, a person. she encouraged el to learn how to be herself and showed her that she can make her own decisions and choose her own future. we can also see how the vines start to tighten once more when she hears mike speak again, again thunder, which can mean she's purposely trying to silence mike and focus on max. she can then finally break free, it was max the one who freed her, not mike's words.

in conclusion, mike’s words did not help el at all, in fact it might have made things even worse. the last words he says to her didn’t reach her at all because she purposefully silenced him, it was the memories with max that helped her defeat vecna. mike definitely loves el, i’m not even doubting that, i just don’t believe the kind of love he feels is romantic by any chance.

[yuseirra]

@insertname099 ahh thank you for your great insight 'v')/ You make me think even more about my own works sometimes!

For this...The idea was subconsciously there. I really enjoy thinking about how characters would feel and think about each other, in this one, I had Hikaru lay out the things he'd have thought if he found out the way Ai had thought about herself. This is a monologue he's having. But it's not something he can actually get an answer for. Note how he refers to Ai and the things they had between them in the past tense, except in the last panel where he refers to how he's still feeling and what he's doing in the present tense! So yes, he's talking to Ai who's in the past while he's in the present. That's how Ai couldn't get anything across except her expressions, they have a barrier of time and space between them in reality. You're REALLY sharp, I love it!

There's another reason I didn't have Ai refute or respond to him in this one. She'd have gone "No!" toward what he said on the first page, right? There's no way she felt he was dirty. (God, I really wish the artists did justice to his character. The way he described how Ai left him is norm Ai in 154 was so sad. I felt really sorry upon reading that.) but I want CANON to give a clearer answer about this one and all the rest of the things I let him say that follow. Remember how I said I am very strict about following canon yesterday? Even if I portray Ai to go "No! I love you" etc and come up with an answer that she'd tell him for this case, canon didn't give a clear resolution on what to make of her current approach- how her feelings towards him would be now yet so what I make at this point in time would only be my self-satisfaction. That's why I left it at that. It's the real Ai that should make some sort of commentary on these thoughts, how would she take the current him and all (I'm trying my best to make out, and I do draw based on my convictions but we actually don't know how it would be exactly until her soul appears or something. I hope she still loves him dearly and has some pity..; seeing how her son turned out to be though? UGHHH what if she's really angry and upset and wants him to rot in hell forever HUH?? HUH?? OH I'd HATE seeing that.)

Still, it'd be hard to notice, but the hand in the last panel is Ai's, not Hikaru's. I put that in picturing she'd want to reach out and console him (and that part IS following canon, not just my wishful thinking! She wanted to help him if he became lost) I really am serious about trying to be accurate/keeping to canon in my own way!

So this was my reasoning behind having formed this particular comic strip this way :)

I may also be able to draw really wholesome stuff with them having fulfilling convos and her being supportive...For this particular one, I made it intentionally indirect, for things haven't been completely resolved, and what's happened to Aqua's making me feel so complicated. My firm idea would be that they shouldn't make Hikaru, the guy an idol loved enough to wish to keep their children, the greatest evil in the comic that the main protagonist should risk all to take down and throw his own life to murder. I don't get that reasoning and it leaves me to wonder what the author would wish to express through it if things really are concluded that way. But I'll wait around till they show us, there isn't a lot left anyway~...

I feel whatever happened, happened because he really couldn't afford to lose her... it's sad how Ai didn't value herself so much, she was everything to him and that's probably how he went so far if he did

[nebulablakemurphy]

Miss American Pie

Chapter Three: Bye Bye

Warning: This series features a romantic Yelena Belova x Fem!Reader relationship.

Summary: After freeing the widows from chemical subjugation and destroying the red room, you and Yelena finally settle down.

Part 1 & Part 2

The widows welcome you, the ones you trained with and the ones you didn’t. After Dreykov was gone and you had nothing but time. Melina and Alexei go to work on replicating the antidote. Creating enough to free all chemically subjugated agents.

It’ll take time. But the more you free the more are willing to help. Some of the widows just leave once they are given freedom. Ready to wash their hands of all of this and start living. You understand that more than anything. Eventually the operation is running on such a large scale they hardly need you at all.

Natasha hasn’t reached out since you separated after the red room. Probably off with the Avengers trying to save the world again. No one blames her, for her inability to be still. Not even Yelena.

“So,” you plop down on the couch beside Yelena. “What’s the plan now?”

“I don’t know.” She admits, staring up at the ceiling. “To be honest, I didn’t think I was going to make it this far.”

“Yeah.” You tug at a loose strand of her dirty blonde hair. “That makes two of us.”

“We could pretend to be normal.” Yelena offers. “What would a normal person do?”

“Don’t know,” you shrug. “I’ve never been one.”

“Maybe...settle down.” Yelena’s eyes are far away.

“Would you have wanted to-“ You break off, trying to sort out the words. “I mean if you could…would you have a baby?”

She raises her brows, “I never thought about it.” A long pause. “I wouldn’t know how to be a mother.”

Neither would you. You’ll never be right. Whatever that is, was, or might have been. Always a little too guarded and rough around the edges. “You never waste time thinking about things you can’t have.” You sink farther into the cushions, her pinky skates over your own. Taking the invitation you twine your fingers together.

“I thought about you.” She lowers her eyes to the coffee table. “Everyday. Until I couldn’t anymore.”

“I-“

“The red room took that from me too.”

You shake your head at her. “They can never take anything from you or anyone else ever again,” you whisper. “And to be clear you can have me.”

A laugh rumbles out of her chest at the news. “I can?”

“I mean if you still want me.” You tease, “I know that the chase is half the fun for you. So I can keep on running. I’m one foot out the door-“

“I am tired of running.” Yelena murmurs, curling up against your side.

“Me too.” Your chin rests atop her head.

“Then stop doing it!” She scolds, slapping your arm playfully in retaliation.

“I will if you will.” You know why she runs. The same reason you do. Because you’re afraid. That maybe some parts of you are too broken to love.

She mulls it over for a moment. “Truce. I don’t run. You don’t run.”

“Deal.” You give her fingers a squeeze.

“Except into the face of danger.” She clarifies, only half kidding. “Then we run, straight ahead.” Yelena motions with her free hand. “But together.”

“Together.” You agree, with a soft smile.

“We could get a dog.” The tone of her voice tells you that she is invested in the idea.

“I wouldn’t mind a dog.” You prop your feet up on the coffee table.

Yelena hates anything but a straight answer. Still feeling the need to convince you, she presents the facts. “Dogs are really cool! They have special powers.”

You chuckle, “dogs do not have powers.”

“Yes!” Yelena argues, “they can predict natural disasters and judge character.”

“That’s a special power?” You quip, “I can do that too.”

She grumbles under her breath.

“I want one.” You sigh. Feeling all the tension leave her body.

“I knew you did.” She smiles, contently.

———————————————————————

Dogs might have powers, but the only thing your puppy currently seems to posses is the ability to chew up anything in her path.

“Yelena have you seen my-“ you pause, taking in the scene before you, “shoes.”

“Don’t be angry,” Yelena holds up a hand.

The tiny puppy beside her squeaks, not quite a bark yet. Your demolished sneaker tumbling to the ground.

“What happened?” You run both hands over your face.

She sweeps the dog into her arms. “I told Fanny we could go for a walk once you got out of the shower. She was excited, Y/N! She was trying to bring your shoes to you. But she got distracted, only a little.”

“A little?” You can’t help but smile.

“Look at this face,” Yelena waves Fanny’s paw at you. “You can’t be mad at this face. Tell her girl. Say, you can’t be mad at me Mom, I’m trying my best.” She brings the dog closer.

You raise a hand to pet Fanny lightly. Yelena’s right of course, there is no being mad at that face. “Let me find a pair of shoes that isn’t mangled. Then we’ll go for a walk.”

“I’ll wait with Fanny.”

“Of course you will.” You retreat to your bedroom. Rummaging through the closet in search of some sort of footwear. You’d settle for slippers at this point. Fanny joins you after a moment. Nuzzling at your ankle as she whines.

It’s not everyday that she follows you, she is Yelena’s dog and never lets you forget it. “You’re really excited aren’t you?” More whining. You scoop Fanny up. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

You huff, finally locating a pair of sandals. Slipping them on quickly so you can return to Yelena and gloat about being Fanny’s favorite. “Hey baby, I don’t know what you did, but look.” You smile, gazing up as you present the dog…to an empty room. That’s odd. Maybe she’s waiting outside.

You grab the leash Yelena abandoned on the countertop, securing it to Fanny’s collar. “Come on girl. Let’s go find Mama. Where’s Mama?”

Fanny follows you out the door, onto the walkway.

“Yelena?”

Nothing.

You scan the area, no sign of her. “Ok…” Back into the house, you check the bathroom next.

“Yelena!” You shout, knowing you’ll feel stupid once she replies. But she doesn’t.

A buzzing from the cell phone in your back pocket draws your attention. You set Fanny down gently, accepting the call and moving the device up to your ear. “Alexei?”

“Y/N! Oh thank god!” His voice booms through the speaker.

“Are you ok?” You ask immediately. Leaning down to grab the television remote, turning to channel thirteen, still broadcasting it’s usual gameshow.

“I am alone.” He cries through the speaker. “Melina left me with her pigs.”

“What do you mean she left you?” Something is very wrong.

“She disappeared.” He says somberly, “didn’t even say goodbye. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.” The dramatic monologue continues. “I give her back rub every night and then-“

“No,” you cut him off. “Absolutely not.” Under no circumstance is he going to tell you what happens next.

“I have made mistakes, but this! This is cruel.” Alexei, clearly distraught begins cursing in Russian.

“Alexei, I know you’re upset but I need you to listen.”

“What?” He asks. “What is it?”

“Yelena is gone too.” You inform him. Your eyes flicker over the words at the bottom of your tv screen. “People disappeared all over the world.”

You fall back onto the couch, feeling all the air leave your lungs.

More hysteria on the other end of the line. “What are we going to do?”

“I’m gonna find Natasha. Maybe she knows something.” Assuming that Natasha is still here.

“What about me?”

“Come to Ohio. You can dog sit.” You offer, familiar numbness seeps into your limbs.

“I have nine pigs!” Alexei shouts back.

“We have a backyard, don’t worry.” You hang up before he has a chance to argue.

You return to the call screen. Scrolling to find a different contact. Pressing the dial button beside her name.

It rings. And rings. And rings. “Hello.”

“Natasha,” you let out the breath you’ve been holding. “What the hell happened?”

——————————————————————

The Avengers fortress isn’t exactly how you imagined. Not very homey.

You park your car in the lot. Removing your keys from the ignition and stowing them in your back pocket. The clear rectangular keychain with a picture of you and Yelena inside sticks out. Clinking when you round the vehicle to retrieve Fanny from the passenger seat. “Come on, Fanny.”

She wags her tail, waiting expectantly to be carried.

“You’re spoiled, you know.” You sigh, taking the puppy into your arms and closing the door behind you.

The front gate is open but Natasha takes a moment to locate. She cut her hair up to her shoulders, dyed it blonde. “Hello stranger.”

“You got a dog.” She says, in greeting.

“Yeah.” You reply, not in the mood for small talk. “It was Yelena’s idea.”

“I knew she’d sucker you into that.”

“It’s not like she could make me do anything I didn’t want to.” Your finger slides along the edge of the metal table Natasha’s seated behind.

She barks a laugh, “that’s a lie.”

Maybe so. “Nice place you’ve got here.”

“It’s not mine.”

“Still cool. I like the hair too,” you motion toward her blonde locks.

“That’s not really mine either, is it?” She remarks.

“Is anything ever really ours?”

“No.” She frowns. “I guess not.”

“What happened?” You ask again.

“It’s a long story,” Nat crosses both arms over her chest. “You might want to take a seat.”

You clear your throat, pulling out the chair beside her. Fanny curls up in your lap, curious eyes darting about every now and then. You tell yourself it’s because she’s in a new place, but part of you knows, she’s looking for Yelena.

Natasha stares down at her hands. “Have you ever heard of infinity stones?”

You shake your head. “Must be an avenger thing.”

“There were six of them, scattered all over the galaxy. If a person has all six they can use them in anyway they choose. Thanos, used them to eliminate half of all living creatures.”

“Are you the only one left?” You lean in.

“No.” She sniffs, blinking away tears. “There’s others.”

“So where are they?” The place looks abandoned. “Why aren’t you charging into battle?”

“Because we lost. Probably the worst we’ve ever lost.” Natasha clenches her jaw. “By the time we found Thanos again he already destroyed the stones.”

“We’ll try again.” You decide immediately. This isn’t over.

“Will we?” Natasha shakes her head with a smirk.

“If she was gone for good I would know it.” You tell her truthfully. “I would feel it, in my heart and I don’t.”

“You didn’t see it happen. I saw him snap his fingers and-“

You lay your hand over hers, squeezing tight.

“Did you see her go?” She asks, voice just above a whisper. “Yelena. Did you see her?”

“No.” You confess, “I didn’t see.”

Natasha closes her eyes. “That’s why you still have hope.”

“Look maybe you’re right.” You shrug, “even so, now seems like a really stupid time to give up.”

The corner of her mouth twitches. “What’s the dog’s name?”

“Fanny.” You inform her.

“Come on.” She rolls her blue eyes. “You’re kidding right? Tell me you didn’t actually name a dog after one of those stupid aliases Rick made me.”

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”

“I guess a dog’s better than a pig.” Natasha reasons. “Are they still here?”

“Not Melina.” You break the news quickly. Like tearing off a bandage. “But Alexei and all nine of her pigs are on their way to our house in Ohio.”

“Sounds crowded.”

“Always room for one more.”

——————————————————————

You stay like that for a long time. Hopeful. Sure that this was all some nightmare that you could wake up from; fight your way out of.

And then five years passed.

Now you come to see Natasha twice a month, just to check in. Alexei and his pigs have taken up permanent residency in the home you bought with Yelena. As for you, you bounce around. Never staying in one place too long.

“Any news?” You wonder, leaning against the doorframe of Natasha’s meeting room.

“No.” She bites out. Kicking her foot up on the desk. “You should move on.”

“Is that what you call this?” You flick your wrist in her direction. “Crying into a peanut butter sandwich.”

“It’s therapeutic.” She waves the bread at you. Tears welled up in her eyes. “You should try it sometime.”

“Nah.” You take a seat, reaching across to make a sandwich of your own. “It’s not the sandwich’s fault.”

“Am I interrupting the pity party?” Steve says, announcing his presence. Captain America is as self righteous as ever.

“Didn’t you grieve for a century over a girl you kissed one time?” You arch a brow at him, licking wayward peanut butter from the pad of your thumb. “Five years is just a drop in the bucket.”

Steve purses his lips, you have a point. “It wasn’t a century.”

“Close enough.” You mumble around a mouthful of your dinner.

“Want a bite?” Natasha offers half of her sandwich to him.

“No thanks.” He takes a step closer. “I’d offer to make you a real dinner, but already look pretty miserable. Where’s your dog?”

“Visiting her granddad.” Everyone and their mother loves that damn dog.

“Oh yeah, my great adversary.” How could he ever forget. “Is he still wearing that stupid suit?”

“I’m pretty sure the suits are stowed away. But it’s been a while since I’ve been there.” Your mind wanders to the vest. The one Natasha returned to you after Yelena was gone. The one you retired because it doesn’t smell like her anymore. Nothing does.

Most things remain untouched in the Ohio house. Your pictures. Your memories. Your plans. You can’t get rid of them. Can’t stomach being around them either.

Someone, a man, alerts the security cameras, pounding on the front door. “Hello? Is anyone home? Hello! Can you hear me?”

“How old is this video?” Steve asks, cocking his head to the side.

“It’s the front gate.” Natasha breathes, enlarging the image.

“Do we know him?” You squint at the man in question.

“It’s me, Scott Lang, Antman. I met you guys at the airport in Germany a few years ago. I had a mask on, you probably wouldn’t recognize me.” He rambles on.

Natasha presses the access panel, opening the gate.

You straighten yourselves out, before he makes it down the long hallway into the common room.

Scott paces, a lot. Nervously rubbing his hands together.

“Scott.” Steve finally cut in. “Are you ok?”

“Have any of you ever studied quantum physics?”

“Only to make conversation.” Nat says, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Ok. Alright so, five years ago. Right before Thanos. I was in the quantum realm. The quantum realm is like it’s own little microscopic universe. To get in there you have to be incredibly small. Hope, she’s my uh-“ he trails off. “She was my…she was- she was supposed to pull me out. And then Thanos happened and I got stuck in there.”

“I’m sorry that must have been a long five years.” Natasha apologies.

“That’s the thing, for me it wasn’t.” Scott replies. “It was five hours.”

“What a trip.” You snort, absently toying with your belt loop.

“The rules of time are different there. See everything is unpredictable.” He explains, getting distracted by the food in your hand. “Are you gonna finish that?”

“I guess not.” You hold it out to him.

He accepts, gratefully stuffing the bread into his mouth.

“Scott! What are you talking about?” Steve demands.

“So what I’m saying is time works differently in the quantum realm. The only problem is we don’t have a way to navigate it. But if we did, if we could somehow control the chaos; to enter the quantum realm at a certain point in time and exit at another point in time…like,” Scott locks eyes with you then. “Like before Thanos.”

You nod.

“Are you talking about a time machine?” Steve sighs, running a hand over his tense forehead.

“No. No of course not. Not like a time machine but like a…yeah.” There’s no other word for it. “Like a time machine. I know it’s crazy. But I can’t stop thinking about it! There gotta be some way.”

“Scott,” Natasha calls his attention. “I get emails from a raccoon. So nothing sounds crazy to me anymore.”

“So who do we talk to about this?” His eyes flicker between the three of you.

“Don’t look at me.” You hold both hands up. “That’s way above my pay grade.”

Part 4

Series Taglist: @3and30aresoultwins