#and maybe my opinion will change again but this is where im at. and hopefully it makes sense!

[bethebesttoyou]

Shiver - Choi Yeonjun

synopsis: Yeonjun and Y/N just can't let each other go.

pairing: College student! Yeonjun x college student! Reader

song: Shiver by Lucy Rose (I was way too young to be listening to just sad songs in middle school)

warnings: suggestive writing again,,,(does it seem like im slowly getting close to writing smut? IDK),,, lovers to exes to ??? to exes,,, ANGST NO HAPPY ENDING (it breaks my heart might have to do a part 2 FNKDS) not much dialogue again, just inner workings of reader who can't let yeonjun go, kinda like right person, wrong time... kinda cheesy ending cause we have fun here... OH NOT EDITED EITHER AHAHA

Wc: 1.8k (I wanted it to be longer T_T, maybe part two coming soon???)

A/N: Ive been writing in means of distracting myself from the reality that is our world rn, and its been really helpful...Ive also been feeling all down about my writing in general but I don't want to give up!!! I want to keep getting better!!! So ima keep just writing... hopefully down the line I get to see the growth ANYWAYS....

“What’s wrong?” Yeonjun breathes out, his hot breath hitting your face, glazed eyes of lust watching you intensely. 

He had just shown up, like he usually did, and his hands began to slowly make their way under your shirt before you stopped them breaking the hypnotic spell of his kiss. 

It was easy to forget with him pressing into you like this. To forget about the break up, the fact that it no longer was meant to mean anything other than another night together. To you, the kisses were still laced with love, with passion that were left over from the years spent together. You already knew that he was mirroring your love and emotions with his hands caressing your hips, the way he knew his way around your body, kissing where it mattered, touching where it mattered. 

It was hard to move on. Hard to give up on every feeling he evoked in you, well because… this was Yeonjun. The very same Yeonjun that asked you out in 9th grade, with a cheesy note and nervous smile, the same one that took you to all the school dances and school trips. The Yeonjun that can make you laugh, cry, and desire all with his own vocabulary. He was the same guy you grew up with, he felt familiar, he felt like home. He was the one and only Yeonjun that could ever make you feel this wanted, this needed, this loved. 

The one and only Yeonjun, the one you no longer had.

Not anymore. Not really. 

Things had gotten complicated towards the end of the relationship. Young couples often face these common complexities of individual growth, individual paths, college and the opinions of friends and families. And while you thought your relationship with Yeonjun was strong enough to sustain these challenges, believing that the years spent together only added to the strong will of your love,  nothing could’ve prepared you for the sudden distance, the change in goals, the shift in thinking, the shift in priorities. It was obvious what the issues had been. But you had pushed them down, buried deep enough to be convinced that time would fix it. So while you were good at pretending that everything had been normal and fine, it was Yeonjun that had visibly carried this boulder in his chest, the boulder heavy to the point that he had to sit you down and bring up the undeniable truth. You were drifting apart, bad. Arguments no longer lasted an hour, but days, schedules were no longer syncing, dates were being forgotten or willingly canceled, communication and keeping up with each other became rare and the voiced opinions of friends were starting to question the ethics in high school sweethearts.  

With ache filled hearts, you both knew it was the end. The love never faltered, but time did and your lives were no longer in the same rhythm, your heart, while still beating for one another, no longer to the same young love beat. So with mutual understanding and a night full of sobs and goodbye kisses, you deemed your seven year relationship to be over. Or at least that's what was supposed to happen. 

The entire idea was to give each other the space needed to grow and find yourselves, to explore the world of independence, the world of your 20’s, and the brain understood that concept, it made sense. You were both young and hadn't really figured out life, but your hearts, filled with years of history and love, branded with memories of your past, were not getting the hang of it, not just yet. Even with the ending of your relationship being meant to create a fresh start for the both of you, nothing stopped either of you from texting each other, meeting for ‘friendly’ coffees, meeting up at night, when your roommates were asleep, sneaking him in. That's what got you here now. 

Nine months after the break up, he's in your hallway, pushing you against the wall in the middle of the night. And you weren't going to lie, you were obsessed with the feeling. Yet, you knew deep down, this was only hurting you both more.There was never any talk about getting back together, in fact there was never any talking about this aspect of your friendship?relationship? Whatever it was. When you were around your mutual high school friends, it was as though these nights never happened, it was as if you both were silently agreeing that this was merely sex. Merely a way of getting your needs taken care of. 

But it felt like an excuse. In your head, you convinced yourself that this was okay, because who else knew you like this, knew your body and what you needed, before and after? And you knew he felt the same, when his soft moans and grunts escaped his mouth, when he would beg to hear your own soft moans and whines again and again. 

The discussion and acknowledgement of what this was,would have only made things more real. More complicated, and like true Yeonjun and Y/N fashion, you ignored all of that. You would ignore his love filled eyes, the constant electrical current his touch possessed, the way his touch would have you shivering in anticipation, you would ignore the slips of ‘I love you’s from his mouth when he was on top of you. And he seemed to ignore all of your soft ‘baby’s’ and pleads, ignoring your single tears and would silently cradle you after, seeming to understand, yet never actually bringing it up. 

Because, neither of you had not been ready, and maybe you still weren't, but things had been changing, life still existed outside of him, and you weren't sure you could keep this up anymore. 

It was only recently that your friends suggested dating again. The thought itself made your stomach twist in guilt and fear. Your friends had known about this toxic stance you were in with Yeonjun, this idea that you were still each other’s, even if you weren't. And unlike you, they were worried about this deeply rooted attachment, considering it more obsessive, more out of comfortability than actual love. So even with your desperate rejections, they set you up. And when you suggested the idea of not showing up, they looked at you with concern filled eyes: 

“Y/N, you have the chance to grow into the best version of yourself…don't let him keep you stuck here.” 

 It was in that moment then, looking up at him, when he had brought a hand up to gently caress the softness of your cheek, that you understood.

 You knew they were right. And yet, a terribly hard pill to swallow. This didn't just apply to you, but to him too. You both had so many plans, goals, dreams. You both were only getting in the way of that, both keeping each other connected by the willfulness of your hearts. This love was too big for the both of you, and it was sucking the life, the happiness out of you.You loved him, you always did, always will. So much so, that you knew he deserved the same chance at an experience of life, without this weighing on him, without you pulling him back, just like you did.

“I can't do this anymore.” You whispered back finally, a tear hitting his thumb, and you weren't shocked when he sighed, before nodding, like he had known. That was another thing about Yeonjun you had loved,he always just knew. 

You embarked in this minute of silence, both of you letting it settle, the room was dimly lit, but you were still able to make out his disheveled hair, his freshly kissed lips, and the tears that flooded the lining of his eyes. Neither of you hid them, neither felt the need too. Your heart fights this feeling of relief, and Yeonjun looks up at you and smiles softly before motioning to the front door. 

“Do you remember orientation night?” He asked, once he was out the door. The fresh wind sweeps up a pair of leaves from the floor, and you both watch as the leaves dance around each other, before flying off. You smile. 

“I do.” 

Orientation night was hell. The world had been against you, you had been picked on by the orientation leaders, your dorm mates didn't seem like they were going to be good dorm mates at all, and to make it worse, you were in a new city, an hour away from Yeonjun’s college. You had decided to suffer in silence that night until he called, and just with the sound of his voice, you couldn't help but blubber out everything that went wrong. He listened and cooed, trying to relax your sobs, you heard the sound of an ignition turning on in the back. As you suspected, he made it to the front of your dorms in the next hour, already extending his arm for an embrace. At this time, the distance was still new and unfamiliar to both of you, no longer living in the same city, no longer having the same group of friends. You're no longer crying as dramatically as before, yet he still held you tightly in his chest, the smell of his cologne calming you greatly. 

“Ima just give up and go home. Maybe I'm not made for college life.” You sigh. 

“Hey, you are definitely not going back home. Youre gonna go back in there and tell your dorm mates to be nice or fuck off, and then youre gonna go tomorrow and say the same thing to those asshole leaders.” he rubs your back. 

“No…” you sigh again, “I'm not gonna do that. I want to actually make friends, and I want my dorm mates to actually like me.” 

“I'm your friend.”

“You also live an hour away.” 

“So? Nothing can keep me away from you.” He smiles down at you, kissing your forehead. 

“I wish I only had to deal with you and your antics…I miss you.” 

I miss you too… Do you want me to talk to those leaders?” 

“No but thanks.” 

“Y/N…” you had been closing your eyes until he called, “I will always have your back. Always. You always have a friend, never hesitate to call him. He loves you, forever.” he finally attaches his lips to yours, quickly pecking your lips before pecking the rest of your face. 

“I meant every word.” he says softly, grabbing your hands, “I'm always your friend and I love you, forever.” 

“I love you too, forever.” And when he reaches to rub the tear off your cheek again, you chuckle to suppress the sniffle. 

If your heart had not been enclosed in your chest, it would have been dragged by the last few strings attached to his, instead all you felt was the frantic pull, the desperate call for him to come back, and he must feel it too cause he turns back to you, already at the edge of the driveway. 

“If I ever get you back in my arms, I will never let you go again.” 

“Is that a threat?” You laughed already walking back to the door. He smiles upon seeing your smile, one last time. 

“A promise.” 

A/N: YAYAYAYAAY you made it to the end!!! Thank you so much for reading!!! I wanted to make this super angsty and I hope I tugged at the heart even just a pluck :3 Anyways, as always please let me know how you liked it, my asks are open for any requests as well!! Also let me know if you think I should do a small update (read: part 2) on yeonjun and y/n, maybe seeing each other again /.\ Thank you again!! :3

[cigaretteliker]

Would you be willing to discuss what brought you to be more firm in judaism and away from christianity?? i'm still so torn myself and you've taught me so much over the years tbh so I just would really love to know what brought you to where you're at (if it's not too private ofc!! i'm just especially curious about how you say you don't logically believe in christian theology-- i've had the thought cross my mind too I just Worry and Fear). If not then absolutely no worries, I really hope you're having a great day <3

i dont mind! im glad you asked and i really appreciate that you reached out. this process has been weird for me and i know im not alone in it by any means: i apologize, though, if my response is just kind of general rant/rambling, but i hope its helpful for you and anyone else<3

i think to make sense of what probably comes off as a very sudden and abrupt change in thinking i have to contextualize two things about myself, some of which does have to do with my childhood trauma but i'll try and keep it pretty general. the first aspect is that i was raised basically following torah judaism: we kept kosher, kept shabbos, and my mom has said a few times that she would have formally converted to judaism if there was a synagogue nearby (her parents, including our jewish relatives, are all catholic/catholic converts, and at the time we were living in a very rural bible belt area). i was never baptized. this came to an end when my mom got sick and we moved back across the country to be with her family. we started attending the catholic church and instead of just reading scripture i learned catechism. i had a personal encounter with the sacred in the catholic church that freaked me out and i lost my faith around this time. a lot of my trauma was exacerbated by this relationship to christianity. there were periods where i was convinced i had a demon and used to pray for an exorcism, and i was absolutely certain i was going to go to hell and i was an intrinsically evil person. i didnt know how the church could say god was all-loving and then turn around and condemn anyone who didnt believe in jesus. it didn't make sense to me and i was sick. i was bounced around between catholicism and what i now recognize was fairly conservative, right-wing evangelicalism until i finally refused to continue going to church and my mom gave up trying to make me.

i didnt start exploring religion again until i was in my early 20s. i had a wonderful professor during undergrad who introduced me to mysticism in a secular context. this is where i read julian of norwich and teresa of avila for the first time; it's also where i encountered bataille. again i experienced a bunch of trauma, including and specifically a bunch of incidents with neo-nazis (including my longterm relationship at the time) where i was physically and emotionally unsafe. i felt very alone and isolated and went into a serious tailspin around 2019 right up into the pandemic. i thought i was going to die and i thought god was talking to me.

summer 2020 i started rereading my notes from the mysticism course i had taken and become extremely interested in specifically jewish mysticism- i read the zohar and began reading lurianic kabbalah. it made complete logical sense to me. i think at my core i am a rationalist. maybe this feels counterproductive for a theologian but jewish mysticism was where i encountered apophatic theology, which contextualize the sacred in way where i knew i would not be a truly fulfilled person unless it were the centerpiece of my life. and it was through apophatic theology in judaism that i found simone weil, and then the rest of the christian mystics, where i recognized imprints of the same apophatic theology in jewish mysticism that had originally enchanted me so deeply. i ended up enrolling in my first theology degree (which was the equivalent of a bachelor's degree done in two years) because it was the closest i could find to what i wanted to study (religious mysticism) during ongoing lockdown with my health issues at the time, which were severe. i had no intention of being baptized or seeking ordination.

my engagement with christianity has always been critical. i have considerable religious trauma, in the sense that christianity deeply exacerbated issues i faced growing up when it should have been helping me. studying christian theology i have always sought to question and undermine these dysfunctional processes in christianity in order to show that they are, first of all, not necessary for its practice, and second of all actually contradict its innate tenets. my mentor, who ive worked with for four years, calls it working theology against itself. christianity is full of contradictions, and most people will quickly point this out. most of these contradictions emerge from misuse or an absolute misunderstanding of christian theology. i was stunned to read christian mystics and see a type of theology i had never encountered even though these mystics were all deemed orthodox by the church: a flesh, sensual, very erotically charged theology, which is 100% the core problem with christianity as a practice. it is innately afraid of uncontrolled life: really, why else is the dead christ the popular centerpiece of the church rather than the triumphant risen christ, or christ feeding the five thousand, or any of a million images of jesus- an exceptionally pious, religously conservative, torah-observant jew- who we must recognize was a living person before we recognize that he died? if the story of the resurrection is true, then jesus overflowed with life. so how can a church that is innately afraid of life itself, and expressions of life, worship anything that unapologetically and audaciously alive? well, through censorship, which leads us to churches that engage fascistically with dogma, that use sacred scripture to deny rights to vast swathes of humanity; and also churches that lean liberal and are still unable to grapple with the role they have played in systemic sexual abuse, misogyny, genocide, trans- and homophobia, antisemitism, islamophobia and so on.

i have had conversations with priests that have absolutely appalled me, where we spoke candidly about reconciliation between the church and its role in indigenous genocide where i have been told, verbatim, "reconciliation is important, but i didn't do it, so i don't want people shouldn't attack me," and how self-care is important for "us christians" when the unmarked mass graves of dead indigenous children are discovered on the grounds of church-run residential schools.

all of this is to say that the more i have studied christianity and become involved in churches, the more i have discovered that the logical fallacies on which christianity operates are not only not just me being contrary, but intentional. christianity uses fallacy to stabilize itself as a moral, cultural, and political authority. it is also inherently a religion of supremacy. religious pluralism is an incredibly new concept for christianity, and even now still operates under the assumption that jesus may not be the only way to god, but its still the best. i do earnestly believe that theology remains the highest form of academic discipline, but it drives me truly insane that to this day we do actually have to have conversations about whether or not other religions can be considered legitimate and engaged with as ideological equals or whether women and the lgbtq+ community should actually be acknowledged as full members in fellowship.

i have interacted with a lot of different kinds of christians, and i can say with absolute honestly that they are all wonderful people who believe deeply that they are doing something good, or are striving to be good, but the problem with christianity is that it is like building a brick house. if you start with one brick just a millimetre out of place, by the time you are finished building the house you will have a structure that is completely unstable. that's all it takes! and that isn't a condemnation of christianity or christians, but i think the vast majority of christians, even the best and most earnest, are uncomfortable with the idea that it is innately ideologically unstable.

last year i came extremely close to converting to judaism and eventually abandoned the idea because i couldn't figure out my relationship to jesus fit into judaism. i like jesus a lot. because my main research interest has always been the problem of religious authority and its relationship to the oppressed, i primarily work with christology and eucharistic theology. to work christianity against itself you must be invested in the basic truth that christ died for the sins of the world and offered his body up not only as a sacrifice but to be debased- sexually, politically, and as the years since his death have drawn on, also ideologically. it isn't just that christ was violated when he was killed as a political prisoner: it's that he continues to be violated by an ideology in his name that would ultimately reject him as a person because it has already rejected him as a person in favour of worshipping him as a god that walks and talks like a european but not really like a jew, because jesus cannot have been a jew if christianity is to be christian. otherwise we have a religion within which the same people who murdered a jew in palestine decided to worship that jew as god, and yet cannot engage with the oppressed classes that it creates as having any supremacy over itself. it is a logical fallacy. it does not make sense.

i was assigned the book the misunderstood jew: the church and the scandal of the jewish jesus by amy-jill levine for a class i'm in this semester; dramatically it has been the 'nail in the coffin' for my relationship to christianity, but i don't think it would have been if i weren't already on my way out. everyone in my class is reading the same text as i am and nobody seems to feel uncomfortable with its contents. levine- who also co-edited my favourite edition of the new testament- retrieves the notion of a jewish jesus and places him in the (correct) context of being a fairly conservative but slightly weird, extremely passionate, extremely pious, likely pharasaic torah-observant jew during the second temple period. both she and daniel boyarin- as well as an increasing number of jewish new testament scholars- argue (correctly) that the jesus movement was never a defiance or rejection of judaism, it was enclosed within judaism as a practice with new things added. jesus really did nothing that wasn't already in judaism. he wasn't specially inclusive or driven to social justice. there is a reason why later midrash and jesus' speech in the gospels share almost verbatim similarities, and it isn't because judaism 'copied' anything, which is a legitimate argument i have heard froms ome chrsitians: its because jesus was part of the oral tradition of his own religion, he was learning the theology that would be written down when the diaspora demanded its preservation, and it was later, non-jewish practioners who diverged from that. it would have taken very little for christianity to have become something equivalent to, say, chabad messianics today: a fringe, extremist group centered around a purported messiah who fulfills some, but not all, of the markers for being the messiah.

after the destruction of the temple in 70 AD (and, importantly, the destruction of the church of james, the center of the jesus movement), jewish jews disappear from the record and are wholesale replaced by greek-speaking gentiles and romans. it becomes increasingly less jewish until suddenly you have a form of christianity that is not only not jewish at all, but actively teaches that judaism must be dead in order for christianity to develop the notion of supremacy which has dogged it for the last 2000 years. this is the brick that was a millimetre out of place. when you remove jesus from his context as a jewish person, suddenly you are free to transform jesus- and, by extension, god- into whatever you want them to be: a white european with blonde hair, a misogynist, a transphobe, a nazi, a fascist, a violent husband, a cop. but never someone who is oppressed, because of jesus is recognized as oppressed, he is recognized as what he was: he is given back his own identity, and christianity cannot function if jesus has his identity, because then christianity is just what it started out as: a small jewish messianic movement that outgrew itself and became a death cult. jesus was never a christian. jesus was a jew, and again: a fairly conservative jew who was passionate about protecting the sanctity of the law as passed down to moses, during a period where religous practice was increasingly fractured and impacted by the colonial occupier of rome.

i think that christianity is salvageable. i also think that for me to contribute meaningfully to christianity, i cannot be a christian. this is not true for everyone, and it isn't a way of thinking i would expect anyone else to internalize. i don't know if this means that i will be jewish, but it does mean that i not only have a moral imperative to engage with christianity, but to engage with it from a jewish viewpoint. and i also know that on a deeply personal level, when i live for god as a person of jewish extraction, whose family was deeply shattered by the shoah regardless of their religious affiliation- when i contemplate formally converting to judaism, there is no sense of compromise as i have felt the numerous times i have tried to pursue baptism. instead i see life in my future for the first time since i was a small child, and for the first time i want to choose life.

[ginkgo-phyta]

I'm back again 😅

Hopefully, I'm not the only person with this opinion, but how do you think Spencer would react if his significant other told him that they thought he looked hot with his bulletproof vest on? 👀

omg is this injured spencer request anon?? I NEED TO KNOW im so sorry if it's not tho, whoever you are thank you so much for coming back!! i love you with all my heart you should use a special emoji as like ur own lil signature! :D

okay so i wanted to try blurb(?) format but mmm okay not really cuz just a wall of text was stressing me out but this is def more informal than my other work (look no capital letters!) and because i love you so much i present two scenarios for you :P... i cant fight this feeling anymore guys he rlly is so hot in his vest im becoming my most feral self grrrrr RAH RAH ALRIGHT hope you enjoy, my love!

OKAY SO SPENCER REACTING TO YOU TELING HIM HE'S HOT IN HIS FBI VEST gn! reader, fluff, second scenario a little steamy in tone but nothing explicit just h*rny vibes, no other warnings

if you weren't a profiler: you'd never thought about it before- spencer in his bulletproof vest. sure, you knew that his job required him to go into sticky situations where the prospect of gunfire was imminent and he would have to wear proper equipment, but you never put two nd two together. you never even thought of a kevlar vest as something that could be hot...until you saw a picture of him wearing it.

"what the hell is that." you blurt out, voice serious with hints of concern.

"huh?" spencer's as clueless as ever, a little worried about your reaction. he was just showing you random photos his team members had taken over the years, all printed out for easy viewing courtesy of the ever-so-accommodating penolope garcia. someone had taken a pic of a beautiful lake where the bau had saved yet another victim, the sun dipping below the horizon line of pine trees, painting the sky purple and pink. "um...the sunset?" spencer was confused, "i guess maybe it was kinda a weird time to take a photo, but no one was hurt and we caught the unsub and the sky really did look-"

you cut off his rambling with a wave of your hand, eyes never leaving the photo in front of you, "no, no...what's that." you point to what you were talking about, a figure standing off to the side.

spencer takes a minute, becoming even more bewildered "...me?" in that moment your world changed.

"oh my god... "you whispered in a daze, firmly pulling the picture out of spencer's fingers and into your own, "what...what are you wearing?"

"honey what's wrong? it's just my bulletproof vest. i know it might look a little funny, but it, y'know, keeps me alive..." he scratches the back of his neck. a couple seconds of silence pass, but to spencer it feels excruciatingly long.

"spencer," you look at up at him deadpan "you look so fucking hot." to say your boyfriend was shocked would be an understatement.

he was absolutely blown away by your response, so much so that the way his face contorted looked borderline disgusted. "wha-what?? huh? what?" he clamored, eyes flitting over your face to find any sign you were joking.

"seriously, baby, you look so good. oh, my God!!" you almost shriek, gripping the picture tighter, the widest, dumbest grin pulling up your cheeks as you giggle like a schoolgirl.

spencer smiles at your reaction, still a little perplexed "you really think so?" the notion begins to sink into his bones, making him giddy.

you very enthusiastically nod your head, "are there any more pictures of you like this?" you rip the rest of the photos out of spencer's hands, scouring through them at light speed. out of nowhere, spencer laughs out loud, his nose scrunching in delight.

"i...don't know what to say. i'm flattered you think that," a wonderful blush shimmers over his cheeks, "but no i don't think there are. sadly." he playfully adds.

you stop all movements, slowly turning towards him, suspiciously calm. "well then," you grab your phone and suddenly stand up "looks like i'll just have to ask penelope for some!"

"wait! wait, no!" spencer calls after you as you start speed-walking away, your shirt barely escaping his fingertips. he yells out your name, his serious tone interrupted by a giggle of his own as he begins chasing you, "get back here!" he knows: garcia can never ever find out about this...

if you were a profiler: you had seen spencer don his FBI branded bulletproof vest hundreds of times over the years. although you had pined over him for years and were now finally in a relationship with him, seeing him like that didn't make you feel any type of way really. sure, you thought he looked strong and handsome, but most of the time you were too caught up in the case or situation at hand to focus on how he looked. until now. something had shifted in him in the last few months, not just with his ever-changing haircut, but within the way he held himself; more confident, more sure of himself, even more cocky, if you will. whatever it was, it drew your eyes to him in his tight little vest like a lightbulb draws in moths- instantly and continuously. it all came to a head when you caught the unsub responsible for drowning and resuscitating his victims until they couldn't be brought back to life. spencer dove into the lake with emily to apprehend the killer while you had helped the kid he had hostage reunite with his mother. you smiled at the scene in front of you, the teenager running into his mother's shaking arms, her holding him close in a tight embrace. another good ending, you thought to yourself before turning back to watch your fellow profilers make the arrest. suddenly, you mouth goes dry. there spencer reid stood; soaking wet, clothes sticking to his skin, chest rising and falling as he panted to catch his breath, his hand pushing his wet hair out of his face. and that stupid, goddamn kevlar vest. oh, fuck. the others walked away from the dock to situate everyone and themselves in respected vehicles that sat back on the road a few hundred feet away from where you currently were. as spencer moved to follow behind emily, hands trying to flick the water off of him, your gaze stopped him in his tracks. he stood there, a bit confused as to why you were walking towards him, seemingly entranced, instead of beelining behind everyone else.

he spoke out your name, but you remained silent, stopping just a couple feet away from him. you took him in one more time: the way his shirt became translucent, granting you with peeks of his skin; his sleeves rolled up, showing off his delicious forearms; the way his soaked pants choked his thick thighs. you became woozy with desire. spencer watched as your eyes dragged over his figure, drinking in every inch of his dripping body. "oh, baby..." you voice drawled out as soon as your gaze landed on his bulletproof vest, "you're absolutely soaking wet." spencer's eyebrows shot up his forehead at the suggestive twinkle in your timbre. you approached him further, chest just inches away from his. if he wasn't so intrigued by your reaction, he would have been a bit more cautious of lingering teammates. your hands came up to ghost over his vest, "did i ever tell you how good i think you look in this?" you looked up at him through your lashes.

spencer chuckled, "in the bulletproof vest?" you nodded in response, but spencer still couldn't really believe it. "uh, no, actually, you haven't." his eyes glinted at the way you bit your lip, his hands moving on their own accord to rest on your hips. you could feel droplets of water seep into the material and lick your skin, but you didn't give a rat's ass.

"well, you do." you whisper, hands wrapping around the back of his neck as you pull yourself up to press a kiss to his lips, "really, really good." your mouth moves enticingly with his.

"oh? is that so?" he whispers against your lips, diving back in, his fingers digging in your hips. he graciously kisses you for a moment before it dawns on him that you're both still at work- in an active crime scene, at that. "mmh, mmh!" he vocalizes between kisses as he tries to move his head back a smidge. his eyes peak open just enough to see if anyone else was around. your lips are addicting, rendering him unable to fully tell you to stop, unable to fully pull away himself. he's relieved when he spots no one. still, he know this is far from appropriate. spencer's hands move up your body to wrap around your wrists behind him, pulling them away from him and the same time he pulled away from you, "okay, okay!" he breathes out with a chuckle, "i believe you now" he tries to catch his bearings, but your pouting face causes him to laugh again

"spencerrrr," you groan at the loss of your beloved's kisses and he turns you around and pushes you towards the spot where the others vanished, walking behind you with his hands on your shoulders, your body held at an arm's distance.

"let's go, angel." his words brought out a hmph! from you. "we can do more of that later at home" he whispers, leaning in ever-so-slightly.

you turn your head back to get a glimpse of him, your eyes and smile equally wide with excitement, "can you bring the vest with you?!"

A/N: OKAYYYY lemme stop myself before things get filthy LOL do yall know which episode im referring to in the second scenario? that end scene will always get me my eye are GLUED to spencer the entire time GODDAMN. okay anyway i hope you liked this anon!!! pls tell me yalls thoughts <3

[eziojensenthe3rd]

Midnight Gaming: Ancient Egyptian Sleep Aid! How to handle your inner and outer demons through healthy sleep habits and overwhelming violence!

Hey all, happy new year and all that jazz. 2024 was only slightly better than 23 and hopefully 2025 ends up being better than how it appears. I suppose since this is the first MG post of the year, I feel its only appropiate to dedicate the news segment to an explanation. And hey in return you'll get 4, thats right, 4 games I had played past midnight during the december break.

So Midnight Gaming is a series born out of a strange coincidence in 2024. One night I played Crime Boss Rockay City and decided to check twitter a bit before heading to bed when news broke of trump having been shot at. I thought it was just an isolated incident and went on my merry way until the next event.

Another day, I played Fallout 76 past midnight, checked socials again and lo and behold, biden caught covid. Ok so 2 times thats happened, nothing to make a big deal of. Mostly just enough to make a doofensmirtz meme out of but surely it wont happen a third time.

Later on another day, I played Divinity Original Sin past midnight, checked socials and wouldnt you know it, biden stepped down and kamala replaced him in the presidential running. So now I have a thrice coincidence where I've played a game past midnight only for some major event to have happened. Hell later after I started this series, I played Deathspank past midnight, right as the stock market crashed. Seems like a good time as any to start a blog series intent on recreating those conditions.

Best way I can describe this series is that of a guy sitting by himself at the corner of a bustling bar, drunkenly rambling to himself about video game media and current events and maybe occasionally says some compelling shit. Thats pretty much it. As for what this series is to me, its mainly a means for me to get back into writing and creating stuff again since I used to do that in my early teens before burning out and just stopping.... so now Im finally trying to get myself back into that with this series, but it also helps push me into playing more games instead of just browsing youtube and social media, try and get into the backlog a bit.

I usually pick a game to play to or past the stroke of midnight, look up any major events or news, mostly gaming related, and then write about them the next day. Thats the gist of this series.

Honestly when it comes to opinion based thinkpieces about video games, theres bound to be a risk of someone getting irate over what I said. Sometimes its entirely my fault and I wouldnt mind the criticism, hell its why I usually ask for feedback at the end of these. But other times.... look, there are people who spend their working days writing articles with clickbait headlines, with paragraphs of what are arguably just expanded hot takes, who collect a paycheck at the end of the end of the week.

I dont get paid to do this, Im doing this solely for the love of the game. So if I say an opinion that you disagree with please understand that I am sorry, it will happen again.

Of course thats assuming anyone reads this....

ANYWAYS GAMES NOW

First up is Nightmare Reaper which is a rougelike fp... get back here. Yeah I get a lot of people might be feeling a bit of roguelike fatigue nowadays but this game is definatly worth checking out, assuming you havent already. Ypu're a mental patient in a asylum, go to sleep and murder your inner demons through various enviroment with any weapons you find in there. The combat feels pretty damn punchy with all the weapons you come across being effective and varied between either melee weapons, conventional firearms, explosives or even just magic.

Alot of the guns do seem to follow the borderlands formula of having different stats depending on the item rarity, with prefixes such as leech chance, reload speed, magazine size and of course the lovely random projectile which changes what your weapon shoots to one of several different projectile types which could either be plasma balls, ice shards, knives or in my case.... vegetables. Most of the time I just get vegetables as the projectile.

Of course you'd need to scour the map to kill every enemy, find every secret and collect every treasure (which can be irritating when you're stuck on a level looking for that crack in the wall hiding a secret) so you can get all the gold bonuses for completing them per level so you can use them to buy upgrades in an upgrade screen that has you play a super mario bros like game to get the upgrades. You use the gold to enter a level, complete the level and you get the upgrade. Its how you're going to unlock the double jump and dash abilities as well as your typical upgrades like max health and ammo counts.

You'll also unlock two other upgrade minigames with their own unique currencies, the topaz game being a pokemon game with pills that act as modifiers with drawbacks and the jade minigame which is a space shooter with the jade being gained from playing the arena gamemode accessed via a different bed. You can thankfully turn the minigames off if you dont want to bother with them and just buy the upgrades outright. Overall good game, made it to the end

So next up is Powerslave Exhumed, a remaster of the saturn/ps1 version of Powerslave that has been released on most consoles. If you didnt know already, there were two versions of Powerslave with the pc version being a build engine boomer shooter while the console version was more akin to a metroidvania with you collecting upgrades and backtracking to earlier levels to get past obstacles you didnt had the right item.

You know a game aint fucking around when it throws an m60 light machine gun as the 2nd weapon you find. Anyways aliens are invading egypt, the spirit of ramses offers some help and guidance as you travel to a number of locations, lighting up bugs, mummies and catgirls as you look around for the next item that lets you progress, as well as any transmitter pieces if you want that good ending.

The nightdive port does work fairly well, though in fairness I havent really played powerslave before so if there were changes or differences, im afraid I wouldnt notice. I can however say that I played this first on the easy skill to gauge the difficulty before bumping it up on hard and it definatly feels like a jump since not only do you face more enemies, there attacks do hurt a bit more. A lot of moments in my session resulted in me having low health, trying to find jars in the hopes they drop health power and of course dealing with the damn mummies who can't seem to decide whether their skull projectiles are homing or not. Sometimes they go forwards into a wall, sometimes they chase me with a bit more efficiency than doot skeletons rockets from doom.

From what I played so far, Its a neat lil game and I like the egypt locales and themes, especially since you dont end up in only desert temples and tombs. Theres some abandoned mines, a swamp, a lava cave zone and of course theres the lands that the aliens terraformed that you can go to near the end. One major complaint though, whoever made it so that the breakable jars can sometimes explode when broken, sending out exploding snakes that can damage or outright kill me when I was needing health or weapon power?

I hope you stub your toe. Anyways next game.

I played Blood West back when it was in early access and enjoyed it for what it offered. The 1st act where you rise as an undead cowboy in a wild west teeming with monsters and cryptids is.... well not really original. There are several other bits of media that cover a weird west kinda vibe, heck there's even a game called that made by ex-arkane devs. But were not gonna critique this on originality, just on what it does and if its fun. And what it does is pretty good and is pretty fun.

For one, stealth is prioritised heavily since a lot of enemies can either close the distance to maul, shoot at you with firearms and spells or a mixture of both and the rusty revolver you find early on wont do much to stop them unless you aim for the head, so you better do your best to sneak past them or find better equipment.... or just whack em up the head with an axe when they aint looking.

Yeah I havent really done a proper melee build in Blood West but you could handle a lot of early game enemies with just a rusty axe and some stealth so you can sneak attack some enemies. Heck if you pick the perk that improves your stealth as well as save up cash to buy the bone knife from the shaman early on, you can sneak around and backstab a good amount of threats like a spy from Team Fortress 2 doing a montage for his texas audience.

Doing a proper melee build would be neat to do since theres a good number of skills that work with it such as improving swing speed and doing more damage along with a berserker skill that lets you get health back with melee kills. Mostly I try to stick with the bow for early game before moving towards the sawn off shotgun and lever action rifle, though I mostly just use melee anyway to save on ammo. Hmmm.... I should actually get around to doing that run huh?

Anyways blood west is good, they have the VA for Garrat from the thief series voicing the cowboy, used to be a guy called Jake "the voice" or whatever but they replaced him with Nick Valentine. Also a dlc released recently for this called dead mans promise that has the Shadowman VA in it. Go play it.

So now, finally, we are at our final game for this 2025 start for Midnight Gaming and its a game I've been playing a lot past midnight, all night in fact. From 2024. Its pokemon sleep.

Given the formula I've settled for this series, sleep is gonna be something I have to balance to make sure I dont burnout again while doing this. So I figured I try to use a sleep app to help with that.... and I have a bit of history with Pokemon given I played a lot of blue on gameboy... I was pretty into pokemon as a kid to be honest. The games, the show, the films, the card game, nearly all of it at the time.

So I decided to go with Pokemon Sleep to try and build a healthy sleep schedule via means of bulking up a snorlax with berries and meals. And sleeping, that too is involved. You basically catch some pokemon by feeding them biscuits before enlisting them into indentured servitude to gather berries and ingredients while you feed them candy to make them stronger and get better helpers in your weekly sleep campaign.

So important thing I found from online reasearch early on was that getting a pokemon with the main skill Energy for Everyone gives them a chance to recover some energy for all your helpers, making them perform better throughout the day. Of course its best if the pokemon has a nature that boosts main skill chance as well as sub skills that boost the chance of an activation or a double activatiob, that way you can proc the skill and keep your "helpers" topped up like a living energy drink.

Igglypuff is a good pokemon to catch early on since they have the skill, evolving takes less resources and every evolution levels the pokemons main skill up by one, meaning getting a pokemon that you can evolve 2 or 3 times means you can level their main skill up a bit. Me though I went with a sylveon since they're apparently good. Though it takes a bit to get one. You need an eevee along with 80 eevee candies and about 150 hours of sleep logged with the eevee you want to level in your party. At the very least, I have them now and they have a good nature thats boosts chance along with chance boosting skills, so they occasionally trigger a double skill activation which raises the teams energy by a lot.

And I named them Astolfo. You might say its because they're both pink and you'd be half right.... buuuutttt its also because they remind me of a can of monster energy, so I named em after a character related to that drink thanks to a.....certain......picture.

If you know, you know.

Biggest complaint about Pokemon Sleep is that I have never gotten to track my sleep at all. The hours were saved but any other information beyond that is gone, an error that says they couldn't track my sleep info so I just get a balanced sleep type each time and left to go my merry way since the sleep points, pokemon attracting and other stuff still works.

Also the diets you feed your weekly snorlax are a bit strange. Theres three categories of recipes you can make that your snorlax will want to eat and only eat for their daily meals. Each week a different snorlax will have a different type so you end up cooking those foods for them. First off, Curries and Stews? Makes sense, you can build a decent diet out of that, I think. Salads? Again fine, pretty healthy though, since your aim is to bulk up your snorlax, there isnt very much calories that you can shove into them to fatten them up. And finally, Desserts and Drinks? Yeah... feed your Snorlax a breakfast of fizzy soda that sounds great and definatly not agonising on an empty stomach. Whats for dinner? A hot cup of milk, fuck you.

Its fine, Poke Sleep is fine. Add me on there so I could mooch candy from you.

So thats that. First post of 2025 and it was a big one. Hopefully I can get back to talking about one game and one bit of news for this series agaib and I hope to continue working on it. I generally want to do something that gets me creating something, while also pushing me to play more games. And if any these posts convince you to play any of the games I talked about, thats cool.

Anyways, thank you all SO much for reading this issue of Midnight Gaming. Feel free to leave feedback or game suggestions and I'll talk you all another time.

Ok you know what, it was this pic here and its comparing the size of the can to his co...

[wonderlandmind4]

i've returned to talk about daredevil AHA, i swear to fucking god i WILL SUE I WILL SUE FUCKING KEVIN FIEGE I WILL SUE THE WRITERS omg i just needed foggy and Karen back AND THIS IS WHAT I GET OMG IM NOT BELIEVING IT FOR A SECOND BRUH

Hi friend!! I’ve missed you.

Okay so. I am holding onto hope that:

1- The first half of the season (if that rumor of the first part being episode 1-9 are true) will be when the blip happened and during the blip, which would give the excuse and reason for Foggy and Karen NOT being there. It’s now seeming like Matt never got snapped away- which I would LOVE to see how they do that with his senses cuz that shit would be so so tragic in Matt’s pov having no idea what’s happening and nothing he can do to do stop it- so Matt doesn’t get snapped, but Karen and Foggy do- so their firm….is also gone. It would be too painful for Matt to continue that business without them.

Due to these reasons and pain and guilt and PAIN and Matt, because he’s Matt, will somehow blame himself for not helping in a battle he had no idea was happening and stopping it. He may go into a depression again, maybe this is where and when he meets Kirsten or something. But during the 5 years of the blip, he decides to work for/with another firm, or start a new one again.

2- Again if the rumor is true and the second part of the season is episodes 10-18, maybe that’s when End Game happens and everyone comes back. (I don’t think Born Again was even close to finising that first half of filming before the WGA Strike so reaaalllyyy, maybe there’s wiggle room here once selfish studios pay writers and actors what they deserve and more and filing starts again whenever that will be)

But my theory and some other fans theories, that the second part will be AFTER the Blip, and they can do a little time jump if they want or flashbacks or something idk. Let’s not forget in She-Hulk Matt actually looked and seemed happy, in a good place, at times lighthearted and having fun and THE SAME WITTY CHARMING ASS (i say fondly) HE IS (that didn’t change) with Jen and he even says “we” talking about his firm and Matt has always kinda been against bigger/giant law firms because most of the lawyers that work at those places tend to be more corrupt and not have the clients best interests at heart. Maybe if he joined a bigger firm during the blip there would be some conflict there.

And after, this would be A great reason and opportunity to bring back Foggy and Karen and could potentially start up their business again, or at least get Foggy to join the firm, OR they have a little branch under the bigger firm. The point is, they could use the second part of the season to bring back Nelson and Page.

And Matt’s words to Jen sounds more like he has Foggy back in his life and he’s still in a pretty good place. You don’t think Foggy would get an absolute kick out of Matt having a one night stand with She-Hulk!? He’s be so proud and cracking joke’s because “she literally spanked your ass twice” 😂 (Kevin if you’re reading this…)

3- After seeing Charlie Cox at two cons and meeting him twice, I firmly and 100% believe he has somewhat of a voice in some decisions for Born Again. The studio KNOWS this show or “reboot” or continuation wouldn’t be possible or the same without Charlie. Kevin knew that. And the reaction Charlie/Matt got in NHW PROVED how much the entire fandom loves him as Daredevil. So, I feel like his input and opinions are valued. Which makes me hopefully guess/theorize that Charlie has at least spoken to someone about bringing back Elden and Deborah. And I know Vincent really loved Deborah as Karen too, and I feel like he would also have a say because you just can’t change him as Fisk either. Same with Jon as the Punisher.

So again, I am holding out for being hopeful and not truly believing anything until it’s in the actual episodes I watch. It’s marvel, we have to remember that, they lie and gaslight fans all the time and try to convince the fans what’s not true and what is. So a twitter account from “sources” is a little harder to believe.

I have nothing against Deborah Ann-Woll or her as Karen because I actually loved Karen. But 99% of the heart in Daredevil was Foggy and his relationship with Matt. To not have AT LEAST Foggy be in the show at some point is utterly ridiculous. Matt’s not suddenly going to have a new best friend who truly gets and understands every single side of him and knows his past and martyr tendencies like Foggy. Matt isn’t just gonna straight up trust others and tell them he’s also Daredevil (Jen literally just ripped his mask off but he had no intention of telling her know)

And honestly, just as no one else but Charlie Cox could play and be Matt/Daredevil, no one else but Elden Henson can be and play Foggy. I just don’t think that amazing heart of Foggy’s can be the same without Elden.

Wow that was long and it’s 3:45am so I’ll step off now.

[lorynna]

white woman tears anon from earlier - that's actually fair & i agree with what you said about "white women don't need ass kissing," i think its come to a point where any "defense" of white women (i'm white let me clarify) i feel like i need to clarify that i do not think white privilege *doesn't* exist, i guess that in itself shows the problem. it will already be assumed that whatever i say is white women tears so i need to give a disclaimer that i am not victimizing myself for being a white woman. it makes me feel whiny before even speaking, having an opinion or thoughts is "whining and crying". the self flagellation isn't necessary but i feel obligated to say so otherwise be assumed racist/"karen." i've seen arguments of "don't speak then/we don't need your opinion then" which just turns into an echo chamber and you can't have an actual conversation about anything without it getting shut down immediately. and have women not been told to shut up since literally forever? idk, not the best at describing this because it feels taboo to discuss but hopefully this makes some sense. i'm also not fully versed in the Imane/Angela situation but the hate i've been seeing online is insane, seeing men say "im glad that white girl got hit" like 🫤 is this not just misogyny? men (and many women disappointingly) don't give a shit about women's sports they want to see her get hit because she cried. she cried "white women tears" and she should be hurt for that. this is not giving other women a sour taste in their mouth??

Hello again anon - I'm glad you didn't take my reply negatively - I was worried you might have!

And yes, I totally relate to what you mean about feeling the need to clearly state that you do believe in white privilege before defending any white woman - I did so aswell in my reply to you previously.

Maybe this is more of an online-forum-problem, than when you're talking to someone directly irl. I often find it tiring to have discussions on here because there are so many people not even trying to have a good faith conversation but more so aiming to knock of their daily-life frustrations by twisting or laying words in your mouth you haven't said, just to make it seem like a cheap win when all they did was jump to thoughtless assumptions. - so logically you try to minimize every potential possibility for them to accuse you of anything by thoroughly elaborating on all of your beliefs beforehand.

I myself notice how I care less and less about arguing with people online. If it's a healthy conversation where I feel like I am being respected and I can learn smth from it - then sure but I won't waste my time on engaging in a debate where the whole point is to insult each other and where both are not ready to start with good faith.

In the end it doesn't benefit me and prioritizing one's mental health always goes first. So instead of trying to change people's minds (like i tried when I was younger and more patient and naive) I no longer see any shame in just deleting a person's comment from my blog if they have no constructive criticism but only insults etc. This is my space and if someone violates my boundaries I delete it and be done with it, even though sometimes the desire of sending a snappy reply overtakes.

Don't worry - I get what you're saying.

And thanks for writing again ❤️

[kdipshit]

Souljah For Life ;

I am not writing to please anyone, thats the beauty of coming online and starting at the bottom, with no promotion, no… well thats about it, I haven’t told anybody I’m doing this, I’ve done it before, but never like this. Its kind of scary, but like I said, being scared kind of keeps me cool. I give thanks to jah. I’ve always known that one day I’m gonna have to deal with all of this shit I’ve been pushing down, its kind of exciting and gives me something for my scatterbrain to do lol. I don’t know what writing to post does to me yet, I just know I don’t want to depend on anyone or anything else, and its kind of hard to see a different outcome by doing all I know. Who taught me all I know and how open is their mind? What kind of person are they? Where did they learn that? Why do they believe that, and are they open to broading their horizon?

i will continue to express what ever it is that needs expressing.Ramble writing, lol. I’m sure theres gold in some of these sentences. To put my mind in order enough to contract said sentence, is the struggle itself. When I speak, it comes out jittery, anxious and embarrassing, so I kind of just don’t speak, without looking around after wards. Im grateful because maybe thats why I see myself as such a brilliant writer, I have the right amount of time to process and figure out what I want to say, not right off that bat, but once processed.

See I’m speaking as if thats something I do, Im always saying things I want to do and trying to speak into existence the person I want to be but the thought of me not being able to do it throws me off, but now that we know emotion can only grow from thought, the best move would be to change the thought… right? The thought : everyone is judging me…. Counter thought : No one cares, no they dont, they don’t care. Just speak. Just write. Just express yourself because no one cares if you do or if you don’t. It make me feel good, and I’m sure, I’m sure of it, theres gotta be gold in here.

Anyways girls, skins looking tight, hair hopefully less orange by the time I read this again, weed is up, feeling like a true winner. How could anything go wrong? Looking at life as if it’s someone I’m in love with is the easiest for me, considering how easy and natural love is for this libra. My Venus is in Leo and I think that means I’m confident in my love, which explains me effortlessly. I haven’t felt love in a long time, big S word about it, I guess I just sit here.

I am stronger and wiser than I was the day before. Every ‘now’ moment I find myself in, I am better than the last. I’ve been learning to think differently, now that I’m aware of my power over them, just small things like stopping myself from holding onto the automatic thought and instead changing it to the positive opposite. My younger sister told me she loved me today, but meant it as she loves the person I am, and that I can go through so much and still be a good person afterwards, and not a crackhead or someone who took the ‘easy’ way out, for the record I don’t think that’s the easy way out. She’s someone whose opinion about me I value because of how much I have let her down in the past, with my drinking and absolute psychotic episodes, I’ve always wanted to be the good older sister, and I’m here. This is usually around the time I start to self sabotage, but I choose to feel so much differently, instead actually embracing the change instead of running away to my old ways, just because I know them so well. I’m so excited on my new journey with my new flower bed of a brain. I brought a new sweater today and I swear to god im the cutest thing ever.

My mind seems kind of empty and its so freeing, The vibration that the music projects is feeling nek level kahi. I’m here, I’m in this moment, I feel okay….. I feel level, I feel high, I feel so grateful, I feel full of love energy, I feel light blue, yellow, green. I feel good here. Blue and yellow together is so beautiful and eye opening and makes you feel so fresh right??? Thats how I feel anyways.

[many-gay-magpies]

i have a lot of feelings about merlin and arthur and magic reveals that i've struggled to put into words in the past, but im currently searching for excuses not to sleep so i figure, why not now?

i said something similar to this in a comment on a brilliant ao3 fic today (this is the fic btw), but there's something that just... rubs me SO wrong about so many magic reveal fics (or, more particularly, merlin revealing his magic TO ARTHUR fics), and its the fact that, in a great deal of them, arthur ultimately changes his views on magic BECAUSE OF or FOR merlin. like, yeah, sure, he ends up realizing in time that the "goodness" of magic overall depends only on how you wield it, but it never feels wholly genuine or meaningful to me.

a line i see used a lot in fics, by arthur in reference to merlin, is "if someone as GOOD as merlin can have magic, how can it be evil?". it may seem sweet on the surface, and in some respects maybe it IS, but it also seems to me like it just... devalues the whole lesson of it? or something? idk im tired. like,, if arthur saw a person he wasnt particularly close to doing magic he wouldnt be having the whole "hm maybe magic ISNT inherently bad or corrupt" epiphany (he actually DID think like this in the earlier seasons, which makes me even angrier with how the later seasons lowkey washed all that away and just made him parrot all uther's ideologies all over again). it takes someone who he believes is unfailingly good and kind-hearted using magic for him to start to maybe, sort of, tentatively changing his views on it-- which leaves the door open for that change to reverse were merlin to do something (or were merlin to reveal something he'd previously done) that tarnished his "good" image in arthur's eyes, thereby tarnishing his fragile perception of magic. "goodness" is a subjective, flexible, and unreliable metric of judgement, and as such probably isn't a solid foundation to build one's drastically-altered worldviews on.

im gonna go ahead and pull in a line that's used in canon: "i use my magic for you, arthur, and only for you" so... what? merlin's magic is ONLY good because he uses it in service to arthur? what does that mean, then, for the other magic-users, the ones who don't use their magic for any big purpose or in service to any particularly noble cause? it allows for the person who uses spells to, like, de-tangle their hair and clean their house to be perceived as evil or corrupt for just existing-- same as it always was. in the end, it's just merlin showing arthur that he's the exception to what arthur has been taught his whole life is the rule-- not that the rule itself is flawed in any way. i recognize that in this scene merlin was trying to protect himself and soften the blow of whatever rejection arthur might give, but a lot of fics (or at least a few i've read recently) borrow the line and use it in THEIR magic reveal scenes, and it just... bothers me a lot.

to me, none of this undoes or reveals the evils uther wrought during his reign-- it just paints over that. in order to do that, arthur needs to confront the full weight of his father's lies and all the grave wrongs he's commited, then work through and accept them so he can change things for the better (which is something i think the fic i linked at the start of this post did brilliantly). my preferred "reveal" would happen in a hopefully safer environment for merlin, where arthur might feel a bit hurt and betrayed for being lied to for so long, but ultimately understands that merlin needed to do it to protect himself, and so doesn't fault him for it.

and thus concludes my sleep-deprived ted talk/meta post/incessant opinionated rambling session of the day! with that, i hope to konk out and not see the light of day for at least nine hours.

[shipwreck-letters]

hi sorry for disappearing for weeks i was hibernating

i just wanted 2 ask how you'd think the monster manor story would progress (like how'd the characters develop, how u think it'd end and what u think of the character that was teased but never released)

im kind of losing hope ab MM ending or even just having a good story because of the recent announcement adydhwnbehdisjcm

Long, long post incoming. I ramble a lot, my brain is like Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. (I missed you, though! Nice to see you again! How have you been?) (Also swearing,,,swearing- Edit: There was much more swearing before I read over this and took out the Dorian shit, because I really wanna shake them by the shoulders and-)

I honestly think about this question ALL the time. And by the end of this, I do have an idea for an ending!!! It's down below. It's just a lot of rambling beforehand.

ERYTHEIAAAAAA- Am I spelling her name right?? She's really pretty, really strong, her character design speaks, but I wish we had more.

I don't have much I can really say about Erytheia, because I always get stuck on what Lynne said about "sounding like a Greek chorus" That always stops me from trying to write her myself, because ???? WHAT- I do not know enough about Greece, or Greek mythology, to even begin to do that. I am an Indigenous country bird. I feel so bad, though- Maybe I could try again and get back to you on that. No promises, though 😭😭😭 That would honestly, in my opinion, need to be something that maybe some more people can talk more about and come to an agreement on.

I wish we could get just one line, one sentence, one paragraph of dialogue or set-up. I miss her, and I only saw ONE sketch of her.

The way Sage's story took a crazy turn, and how he ended up 6 months during the new war; I would have never predicted that at ALL- So it's like,,,I wonder if a crazy twist would happen with MM-

But it doesn't seem like there would be a whole "Upright/Reversed" thing, because MC is clearly competent enough to not have Casimir or Rainier fall back into their vices again. That would be so dumb for them to establish this change, and then say "haha whoopsie yes Casimir become the beast- Yes Rainier, break out and raise hell as a dragon on Earth" like,,,that would be dumb-

I'm talking out of my ass, I think, because Casimir and Rainier aren't my OCs, but it seemed like we already met them during their arc? During that time of change and sadness, and hopefully it would be a story of change for the future.

Surrounded by people that are in the same boat as him, he'd have a new focus on getting to know these people, MC, and have an outlook of fixing these rooms, sharing his story and his own knowledge about things! Getting to know them, too. Maybe his curse was like a self-fulling prophecy, because the only times he transformed with MC is under intense stress or emotions. He never transformed when Rainier lost control, he was perfectly fine.

So I think...Casimir's rooms/arc were semi-complete during those chapters, and that tale. In general, very very very general. It gave me enough to hypothesize, and Rainier is the same. But...Still not enough. It's not Lynne-approved, Lynne-directed, Lynne please come back and swipe your story-

Maybe during these times, he'd have a few transformations that he can't help. He'd be really nervous, because now he has access to hurt others, not just himself or the House. But but but- I think....that MC or Rainier or maybe even Erytheia stands up to the beast enough times that it starts to change. It begins to go away, and Casimir doesn't even realize- He still has the traits, and the abilities that comes with it, but I think that Casimir wouldn't even realize until MC mentions the beast and someone is like "you transform?" and Casimir is like "....Now that you mention it-"

I think it would come to a head with MC, honestly- This character that is unwavering, the glue that holds everything together...There's gotta be a moment where they're like "Well now everyone is together, I guess my job is done here" But they try to leave and it's like,,,,No, actually. MC deserves to be cared for, as well. They (you, the reader, too) need reassurance and repair beyond just being looked at as the fixer-upper, the sunlight-

I think once MC has a moment where they realize for a moment that they can also accept that this home isn't just for the characters, but for them, too- They can stay, or go, maybe with Casimir to the modern world, or with Rainier to Almithara, but there will always be a home, here, a refuge.

That's what it was always meant to be, right? I think that would be an ending that I would like to see, anyway. Not too personal, not too vague, but being able to leave or stay with the character(s) you romance, augh. I want to see Rainier's home, I want to show Casimir the world 🎶, I also want the fade to black scene I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT-

It wouldn't be chaotic crazy like LL, where there's war or death, but those topics do come up in terms of Casimir's past, or Rainier's jobs regarding the Magister. But the past is not an end-all-be-all, and the House was meant to be a place where you can get help, be helped, and then be let go again. (I think- It had to be, no way did the House intend to just keep them there forever)

Casimir couldn't leave, because he couldn't see that. Rainier couldn't (can't) leave, because he couldn't (can't) see that. With a group of different minds, it's a cycle of helping each other, helping yourself, and also....Being able to romance or have a great friend and support because of that.

That's what I think, anyway. If I was a Fictif Ambassador (which I do not ever want to be tbh), I wouldn't have much to say regarding any completed stories, or even Into the Mist, but for Monster Manor? I fully believe that's a good ending. That's what I would bring, and I will milly rock someone for saying it needs to be darker, or grittier, or whatever.

I know that it would be different, working under such harsh conditions, and Dorian....Ugh. What a shitshow.

What was the point of the whole Ambassador roles, they approved the Asra tale??? That was so lackluster- Who wrote and approved that shit- I just want to talk, Dorian.

There's still much that I want answered and it makes my eye twitch that Dorian is pulling this horseshit buffonery...

But I might do that in another post. Here's a little brightness that I've been thinking about lately:

Bendy and the Ink Machine. The Dark Revival. It came back! It's so fantastic, it's beautiful. I hope that LL and MM can get the same treatment- A revival. A good ending to beautiful concepts and aesthetics. Sage, Anisa, Felix, Casimir, Rainier, Erytheia, and even Fin- They fucking deserve it. Maybe the devs can bring them back, slightly redesigned, with a different name, but ultimately the same plot and vibe.

I won't ever "drop" Monster Manor, it's gotten me through some stuff, and still does! It brought me Finch, it brought me friends and a fandom! I owe it a lot, and I hope we can see it to a completed end.

But...Do make sure to record the story, screenshot it, what have you. Prepare to prepare, is what my uncle says about tough situations.

[secretbangtnn]

Best Of Me| Two

Pairings : →ot7 x reader, poly!BTS x reader

Genre : → vampireau, yandere!au, age gap, gore, obsessive behavior, ddlg/caregiver, poly, fantasy, supernaturals

summary : It’s quite unusual to find a little baby on your doorstep, especially that their area was not of the poorest - you could say that a vampire town was efficient with money and snobby creatures. However over time the first idea of just giving back the little girl seems more and more radical and those moody vampires slowly start perceiving deeper feelings to human they even wanted to kill.

previous | next

notes ~ I did it!!! Omg im so happy I finished it, hopefully the next one are going to come sooner. The first chapters are going to be with a baby oc - im sorry if its boring, but after it we can start with the real plot, the things are gonna get dark. Hope that you will like it, and remeber to give me some feedback - im whore for a comments and ask and beside they motivate me very much

taglist :

@missseoulite @gukkculture @silscintilla @the-falling-star @apollonshootafar @mwitsmejk @lovinggalaxies @b-e-t-x-s-o @jisoosbitch @ariverflowsonthemoon @maboiisuga @peachescream1723 @sichajeon

Cries everywhere. Sobbing so loud that all the birds disappeared from their little birdhouse outside the window. And as funny the view was, a big ball of stress and nerves started collecting itself in the rather calm manor. Reason of all this mess was just one, so easy to notice.

“Jungkook!” Just like a ball of nerves now the big ball of dirty blankets and clothes hit the young vampire, making him stumble a little. Obvious disgust on his face with a piece of distaste on his tongue which just a second ago had been caused by the same thing he now fisted in his hands.

“You didn’t have to throw it at me!” Barked Jungkook staring at the broad shoulders of his oldest brother. Child now a little calmer, however still sobbing slightly, keeping the atmosphere at bay.

“You have brung the kid so you will hold the things he made. Be happy that I'm not forcing you to change the diaper instead.”

Disgust on all of their faces is now being something normal, having kids in the same room as them, definitely does not go well with hundred years old vampires. The only one without a gag reflex seems to be Seokjin, acting like a pro mother, just after her 3rd pregnancy with the next on the road. However all of them agreed with the statement that it was all but Jungkook's fault, which came with consequences for said boy.

Thus now sitting on the couch, five of the ramaing vampires, looked with a bored expression at the panicked and nearly vomiting jungkook. Youngest of them always had a soft stomach, never being the one to clean after disasters, forcing people to basically clean after him, and maybe that's why all of them felt such a satisfaction upon them while staring at the shitty situation.

Literally shitty.

Stumbling a little from the intense smell, Jungkook started to try getting rid of the used diaper in his hands, holding it with his fingers dingling it as far from his face as he could. Maybe the smelly object was not the only thing that should be named like a feces, knowing that a person who should just throw the diaper away, purposefully walked closer than intended to a couch with older vampires, stumbling not that accidentally and making the thing in his hand fly straight to a lap of a reading Namjoon.

A moment of silence, only lasting for a short second. Namjoon was never the one to shout or get mad, rather prefering to act calm and well put together, believing in a peace making and solutions not requiring usage of violence but when the heavy baggage on his lap suddenly started to warm his lap, he completely crushed his persona as well as book in his hands.

“Ups...hehe.” Jungkook laughed awkwardly, knowing well his fate. Doe eyes looked at the tall man, standing a little farther than him, just behind the couch. Jaw tightened so were the hands, keeping the last strings of calmness that were floating on very dangerous water.

“Listen, before you actually do something think of the time when you destroyed my ps4 and

I did not even complain.” Hands just before him similar to the way you would to with a wild animal, and in Jungkook's opinion, it was not that far from the truth, observing how Namjoons jaws nearly crushed from the tension.

“Okay okay, we all need to calm down, It was just an accident.” Cut in red head, standing in the middle of the war zone. It was stupid idea, definetly not the brightes of the sunny vampire, even if it came from the good intentions. Hoseok, just like an innocent child that got stuck in a big people argument, was the one that got hurt in the end.

And everybody knew that when Hoseok gets mad it's the extremity that anyone in this room is scared to experience once again. There is silent agreement between the rest of the brothers that was made after one of Hoseok's outburst, promising that no matter what the devil can’t come out.

The apple of discord laying now upon redhead’s feet, innocent like a little kitten that just waits to be petted, but in this case it wasn neither a fluffy ball of fur and definitely not something that should be touched.

Silence so loud, banging in their ears with an uneven breath. Second after second, rest that were not included in the middle, counted sitting on their heels with nerve wracking feelings.They stared as Hoseok’s shoulders rose and went down with each puff of air from his flared nostrils, neither of them dared to move, preferring to stay in a safe zone.

Just as red headed one wanted to take his first kill, a loud laugh echoed in a room, coming from a little child in Seokjin's arms, that probably just came back from being cleaned up. A fresh smile on its face, eyes sparkly looking straight at the scene.

“What are you doing, idiots?” Asked Seokjin, a visible vein on his forehead, sticking out under his free hand that now pinched a bridge of his nose. His eyes catching a glimpse of the used diaper, right on his favorite carpet. “You had one thing to do, one thing Jungkook.”

“It was an accident I swear on my ps4!” He tried explaining, shaking his arms. Seokjin saw to much lived too long to believe it, everybody knew it but even than they acted like bunch of idiots when something like this happen.

“Namjoon destroyed it, you said it yourself.” Spoke Jimin, sitting on a couch with a happy smile, pleased with himself. Younger's head immediately halted in his way, a look of betrayal on his face.

“You midge…”

“I don’t care, just clean it up, in the meantime me with the little snack are going to cook something, right my little cutie?” Cuted the older while caressing the child in his arms, turning his voice in a baby one. And just like this the scene came to the same point, the only difference was that neither Namjoon or Hoseok were in the room, probably running away as fast as Sekojins came.

Jungkook sighed, squatting down to take care of the said thing. Again the disgust and a feeling of nausea hitted him with a side giggles of his blonde haired brother.

Going into the kitchen he spotted the child that looked at him as soon as he appeared. Little smile and sweet laugh, making him soft and mushy for a while.

“I hope you know that you gave us a big problem with bringing a human child there.” Seokjin spoke, not looking from a cutting board, himself to immersed in said action

Jungkook knew, earlier thinking of it like a mere action, something that they can get rid of as fast as a lollipop wrapper. But it was not, and now looking at the kid, he realized how his careless behaviour could weigh down not only on his family but the whole society of vampires.

“I’m-”

“Don’t just apologize, we need to take care of it as fast as we can, in the meantime doing everything to not harm it. If someone finds out it’s going to be a bigger problem, probably even straining the relationship with human - and that’s something we do not want.” Cuted older, in the end turning around pointing the sharp knife on Jungkook.

It was true, the delicate stattlement between those two societies is still new, fresh and hot, ready to burn anyone's fingers, anyones who is to carless. The today is a better world, something that all of the brothers know, remembering dark times - some of them being not older than mere hatchling then. World was a dangerous place to live in, vampires hunting humans, humans hunting vampires, a competition that never got settled, and they hope it never will.

“Try feeding it and come to the living room after you are done. We will discuss the next actions - good luck.” A little wink at the end, Seokjin wiped his hands off on the way patting the younger's back, harder than normally.

“Wait what?! You are not being serious right now, right?” Asked confused Jungkook, fastly turning around to an already disappearing figure. Cold sweat on his body as he looked at the smooth face of the older, that defended a flying kiss to his shocked self. “Why can’t you do it?”

“I can. But the human seems to take a liking to you.” And how absurd it sounded, the baby really looked at Jungkook like some god, sparkly eyes always following his bigger figure.

“Seokjin! Don’t leave me please, I can’t do it.”He whined, looking for the said man, to his luck he was nowhere to be found. It was going to be alright - he tried to believe in those words now clutching baby spoon, that he was sure they did not have, and a mashed food, looking more like dog food than actual meal.

His Eyes staring right into the sparkly and to obnoxious happy, making him even more irritated. In the end, Jungkook hated little children, being and acting like one himself

Little hands stretching towards him with a toothless smile on the side, getting bigger as Jungkook came closer. That was it, taking a big breath he come to the other side of the table - almost touching the stool where the human sat. Ready and determined to get the task done, treating it similar to a quest in the game, he took the little spoon with some of the smashed food, and started to get closer to the child's mouth.

And as the brothers again started to live their normal life, thinking that at least for now, everything is settled, a very obvious squeal shook the while house.

“HYUNG!...IT WANTS TO TOUCH ME! GET IT AWAY, GET IT AWAY!”

___

All of them now sitting on the couches and armchairs, taking nearly all of the space. Some of the observing the crawling baby with prominent couriousty some of them with disgust even fear, not knowing what future the baby will bring.

Namjoon although feeling the little distaste, knew or better had a plan with what to do.

Smile on his lips not reaching his eyes, however stumbling on the way of eye contact with some of his brothers.

“Okay so, definitely we need to do something with...this.” Said Jimin, look on his face full of distress and disgust resting on the child, that as if it knew of Jimin’s attention looked back full of giggles and reaching hands.

“That is obvious, we can’t keep human child.” Barked Yoongi, the one which rather prefered to stay quiet in those metters.

“Jungkook should take care of it, It’s not my fault he is to stupid to not question a left human on a doorstep.” Smug smile now on Jimin's face, as he gave the side glance to the said male, happy with triggering the younger temper.

“As If you woul…”

“Okay we get it Jimin, it was Jungkook's fault, but still it can affect us all, so try to be at least a little bit helpful or shut up” Interrupted Seokjin staring at both of them in turn. The oldest obviously tired of all of the drama, massaging his scalp, to relieve the tension a little. “Let's start one by one, any ideas?”

Silence, a loud silence throwing the tension to the already burning fire. Seokjin's vein once again appeared on his forehead, making Jungkook nearly knock from a terrifying sight of it. It was pulsating, green and bumpy.

“Maybe let’s put it back?” Asked the quiet voice, Sekojin ready to snap at the stupid idea thinking that some of the youngers don’t know limit of the unfunny jokes, only to find innocent eyes of Hoseok.

“That’s … well that is AN option, thank you Hoseok - keep it up. Any other ideas?” Seokjin’s hands molded into a thump, giving the tired smile to Hoseok, knowing of his still busing nerves.

“Why are we even trying so hard, throw it away i say.” Jimin mumbled while staring at the little child going his way, quickly putting his feet on the couch, scared of a chance of being touched by the human.

Tired sight left mouth of the olders, his vein fading a little - to Jungkook luck, and his hands now clenching his blonde lock. He was helpless, disappointed in his brother's ideas and intelligence. He was sure that, that was indeed an end, his family will be arrested for keeping human, and vampires are going to lose a peace they fighted for.

Everything because Jungkook wanted to take unfamiliar child to their house.

“What about the orphanage that opened like one month ago, can’t we just leave it there?” Cuted Namjoon, making everyone snap their head. Seokjin nearly crying, wanting to kiss his brother as much as choke him for his slow process of thinking.

“Couldn’t you say earlier?!

[yeetlegay]

hi, genuinely sorry to dump this all on you but also, would love to get your opinion on this!

I’m having kind of…qualms with kinnporsche since it aired. i’ve been so excited for the show since the first trailer dropped and im not necessarily disappointed per say, i feel like im mostly just trying to understand what i should be expecting from the show?? i think firstly, kinn and porsche’s characters in the show feel different than they were in the trailers (they feel WILDLY different from the first trailer lol) which isn’t honestly a bad thing at all, just again. different expectations. porsche’s character feels the most different; i definitely thought he was gonna be a lot more serious/focused and then gets swayed by his feelings for kinn etc. the thing i never expected was his goofy side (again not a bad thing at all but it leads to my main point which is —> ) i feel like the slapstick comedy of it completely blindsided me and i just dont. get it??? it’s honestly not that the comedy is bad, i just don’t really understand where it fits in. the show is everything it promised to be: great acting, production, styling, plot for the most part, writing for the most part, characters, directing, cinematography, etc everything is such high quality and when they stick to that it works so well but the comedy (specifically the slapstick-ness of it all) always seems so out of place with everything the show is trying to be and i can’t really understand the decision to include it. like these actors are GOOD the directing is GOOD the story is GOOD the production is EXPENSIVE i just (in the nicest way possible) don’t understand why they waste it on like. a few cheap jokes 😶

episode 5 was PHENOMENAL for this exact reason because it finally felt like the show we saw in the trailers. it had so many scenes that just wowed me: the opening scene, the bathroom mirror breakdown scene (which was so reminiscent of the hidden messages trailer), the sex parallels scene, the drunk confrontation scene ALL SO GOOD and showed off exactly what the show is trying to show off: its high quality acting, directing, and styling. i just feel like this episode was exactly what ive been waiting for since ep 1 and i just really really hope they stick with this vibe for the rest of the show it just serves them so so well. again, not hating on the comedy or the show whatsoever and i do not mean to be a stick in the mud AT ALL lol we’ve gotten some great moments from it, but i was just wondering if y’all felt the same or if maybe i really am just being a hater 😅 (also could be - hopefully - worried about nothing and they were just trying to keep things light in the first few eps before delving into the angst lol)

Given that first trailer was by a totally different production company and crew, the final product was always going to be way different once Be On Cloud got ahold of it, and I personally am so happy it turned out that way! You’re right that the first trailer and what we actually got are two totally different things, so I get that it could be hard to adjust your expectations with all the changes made.

As far as the comedy aspect goes, I’m by no means an expert in the Thai film and tv industry or even just Thai culture in general, so I don’t want to generalize too much, but I’ve found that pretty much every series I’ve watched, even the more serious melodramas, will feature some amount of this style of comedy, and atp I’m inclined to say it’s just par for the course! It’s not necessarily everyone’s cup of tea, and if you’re coming from a Western lens the mix of comedy and drama can be jarring at first. It’s maybe less immediately accessible to, say, an American audience or a British one, so there can be a bit of adjustment needed to get used to this style.

I did really like the comedy of the first few eps bc I do think, like you mentioned, that the show from this point is going to get darker, and we needed some moments of levity in the beginning to sort of set the stage and get us used to the characters before they get dumped into all these shitty situations. They’ll need to have those lighter, happier, funny memories when they’re in their darkest moments, and tbh we will too lol.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not finding the comedy to your taste - what we like is what we like! If you want to keep watching but aren’t jazzed about having the same amount of comedy that we got in the first few eps, then I’d stick it out for a while yet bc I’m pretty confident we’ll be diving into a lot darker and more serious stuff soon with more of that insane acting from Mile and Apo.

[geekyglamour413]

I don’t write meta often so this turned out longer than expected(4 paragraphs) because head so full of thoughts, but here are my thoughts(no neg, just thoughts) about the latest lore talk.

I feel I should also preface this with I’m a theatre major, so my character/story analysis is done using the way I was taught which means I have a bias towards taking what a writer has given and working within their parameters instead of trying to change the way they write their story(which I know makes me different in this fandom so I wanted to my pov out in case it helps you understand where I’m coming from better)

First off, my favorite thing in the dsmp is that there is literally no clear good or bad guys(with a few exempt cases in which cc’s have made it clear) BECAUSE the story is based on which POV you’re watching. We get to see how everyone is their own protagonist and how they justify every action they take and each of their personal pain. We can then turn around and see the full extent of each characters’ actions within other character’s pov’s and how it effects them. You don’t get this in regular media and it’s my personal pull to the mcyt rp format and it also effects how I interpret the story and each character.

The biggest complaint I see is that “it’s so unfair how [insert char(no it’s just techno we know it’s techno)] never learns from his actions or deals with consequences!!” in my mind that’s what makes the writing interesting. It is a massive subvert of underdog trope expectations.(very personal opinion). Also in a way, he does have repercussions(the butcher army, being one) for his actions, they just don’t play out in a “normal” plot way because it’s rp with multiple protags(and also again subverting the underdog). “but he never faces any justice!” I won’t debate that because morality and justice is a subjective thing(and I wasn’t in the fandom yet when the festival and stuff was happening live) but where I stand now, is that at our current point in the lore there CANT BE justice anymore. The plot has reached Once Upon A Time levels of revenge plots one after another. There is no justice, only revenge at this point (literally didn’t you here c!quackity and c!charlie have that talk?? riveting. I adore both of them so much)

But this is why I’m so excited for fireworks duo!!! I think cc!quackity’s lore stream and said talk with c!charlie has set up a good precedent for actual forgiveness arcs. I know this is a very controversial take but I really enjoy “undeserved” forgiveness in media. Not like a character getting off scott free right after doing something, but a journey happening which neither party ends up happy because of their inability to forgive or compromise and they’ve come to an impasse and the literal only way to move forward is to forgive each other and keep going. Learning to let go of old pain, recovering and moving forward(to fresh new pain!! /j/j/j/j/j) And it’s a hard trope to write well! But I’m hoping that the (hopefully) upcoming fireworks duo stream will be the start, they might lightly talk, they might see each other in a new light, maybe even admit things they’ve done wrong(who am i kidding im a c!tubbo apologist my boy has literally never done anything wrong ever) and we can move on from revenge plots! Because another personal opinion, there have been too many! And I am bored of them. Give us allies to enemies to begrudging allies to friends fireworks duo I believe

Lastly, I understand being invested in a story and caring about characters, but don’t forget fandom is supposed to be fun! If it’s making you this upset maybe take breather. Go get a snack. Open a window and remember the entire internet is fake and you’re okay :D

(pls don’t be mean in replies i mean all of this /lh I just had thoughts)

[sleeppyro]

An update with SleepPyro

There's been a couple things on my mind and I really don't have to many people to tell these things to that actually care so I'm guna throw it to the void!

THIS ISN'T AN EMOTIONAL DUMB

I'll start off with twitch! It's been pretty fun to stream consistently the way I have been able to do. Last year I made a lot of progress I hit the majority of my goals and made affiliate. There was even organic growth with my viewers and followers which was pretty fuckin neat to see. This year however, isn't starting out the hottest which is reasonable in my eyes ish. Typically during the beginning on the year views, ads, etc. Drop but now we are approaching Q2 so hopefully things can pick up. I have a few friends who will watch in the background to attempt to keep viewer count up which im thankful for because it really does help when I have any form of support. I've been posting clips on tictok and one of them finally blew up just a little bit which was pretty cool to see too! Currently I'm a variety streamer and I'd like to stay that way too, I believe not being hard locked into one game allows for way more freedom but makes gaining that audience harder so ill just have to press on. The current game I'm streaming mainly is Elden Ring I think I'm close to beating it but I'm not really sure to be honest haha. After that's beaten I'll go back to horizon forbidden west to beat that or maybe not it just depends, for the variety part we have jumped back into rainbow six and recently read dead online. The multiplayer is a little dry but it is super fun when all your friends are with you being cowboys! I know I had a bit where I played vr games a lot and that will return now that I have a more powerful computer but I'm really just waiting for a new Zenith update. That's really all that's been happening with twitch. You can see it all live at

Now YouTube

Nothing super crazy but I am back to editing youtube videos again. Mainly the channel is for vods and occasionally I'll throw in some edits. I would like to start editing my Elden Ring content but keep in mind I do have 55 hours of that to go through. I figured shifting a part of my focus to YouTube would be beneficial towards growth but I'm not consistent enough with it to determine that just yet. I have plans to edit the next episode of Resident Evil 6 because that was an insane session that I was not ready for at all. So that will be a fun video to edit and watch in my opinion. To catch the latest uploads you can click here!

Twitter

This is the platform I use the most for stream updates, schedule changes, new uploads, everything really. It's growth is slow and mainly followed by graphic designers trying to get what little money I have but here's the link to see the latest with SleepPyro

Ending thoughts

Over all the year isn't over yet and there's potential for anything and everything so ill keep an open mind and positive attitude. If you read all of this then thank you for your time! I hope to see you guys in the next stream where I yell at video games! Much love

SleepPyro

[stagefoureddiediaz]

damn —has she really only been in 18 episodes? i know it’s a lot, but it somehow feels like so little in the long run of things.

like —just wow.

Okay but love, i literally had to delete and tumble and have my sister lock my laptop in my room, cause the episode ended up coming out super late where i live and i had to do everything in me to avoid spoilers.

your little nest in the washroom was so super adorable.

and thank you for always taking your time with our asks; you’re literally so sweet and it makes me so happy.

i come bearing questions, though. i know your costume meta will be out soon, but im impatient. sue.

May’s outfit.

MAY’S OUTFIT.

it was SOO cute. but i see blues have been important this season, so please, if you’d like. can you expand on that for me? and may’s necklace as well. she’s usually wearing it, I think. it’s interesting to me, because it hinges on being a choker.

does it lend to her maybe feeling she has a noose wrapped around her in the sense of time for uni is running out? maybe she’s still not sure whether she really wants to?

i know nothing about costume theory, so this is all just complete brain rot and speculation.

but if you’d be kind enough to indulge me.

thanking you in advance.

-gabi.

HI Gabi!!!

Good to have you in my inbox! Good work on managing to avoid the spoilers - you have far more restraint than I do - hence the setting myself up in the hotel bathroom - which I 'm glad brought people amusement in the build up to the episode!

I'm nearly always happy to take time and give people full answers to any asks I get - I am humbled that people actually want to seek out my input or opinion on things and I really do enjoy being able to channel my ASD and ADHD into something that feels productive! I might struggle to keep up once I go back to work at the beginning of June, but we'll see how we go!

Mays outfit was divine - I adore nearly everything they've been putting May in this season. but that blue on her skin tone was just perfect it made her glow

Blue has very much been an important colour this season so seeing May in such a bright blue and with the orange in her skirt as well - very interesting!

The blue May is wearing is all about optimism (think blue sky thinking) loyalty and calmness, its a happy shade and really speaks of May feeling comfortable in her decision to go to university. I don't want to go into too much more detail here as it will be in my meta post, but the actual costume itself - the long sleeves and high neckline is sensible and secure - again suggesting May is happy with her decision to go to university.

Her necklaces are a combination of ones she wears regularly and one we've seen a couple of times this season. the shorter one is a borderline choker you're right, but its not constrictive and isn't an obvious chain (like the one Taylor wore in 5x16) to me its suggestive of that fine we tread when growing up - its about learning to be an adult whilst at the same time being aware of your youth and inexperience - knowing there will be bumps in the road (the little balls on the necklace)but forging ahead anyway. So yes her decision to go to university will play a part in that - not necessarily because she feels like she's choking or running out of time but because it is a big change in her life and the unknown is a scary place to be.

The second necklace is like a shield boss (the central bit in the middle of a shield) I will go in to this in my meta a bit more because I think its interesting - especially in relation to the scenes we see it in!

I will be going in to it in more detail in my meta, but it might take me a couple more days than usual, due to my being on holiday at the moment so my meta writing time is a little compromised so hang tight!!

Hopefully this quenches your costume thirst for a few days until I can get my met finished!

[crimefightingspiderguy]

Hello!!! I’m going to be giving my thoughts on tfatws characters in this post so if you don’t want spoilers don’t look past Zemo 🤡

DISCLAIMER: everything in this post is purely an opinion. I, like everyone else, have yet to see the last two episodes and those might just change my opinions, but this is what I think so far. I will NOT tolerate any racism/sexism on my page so if any responses to this post include any of that you will be reported and blocked.

John Walker:

-From literally the first moment, I’ve hated him. (Which now that we see he’s supposed to be a villain, kudos to Marvel)

-As soon as he kept that serum I knew what was coming and I think Marvel and the actor executed the transition in him wonderfully

-The final shot of him standing over that poor man with a bloody shield was 💋🤌🏻 symbolism (but also for that guy to have earlier said that he idolized Steve and to then be killed while begging for his life by the knock off Captain America, is so heartbreaking and I want justice for his character)

Lemar:

-Deserved better. He was literally just vibing, helping his friend out. He had a brutal and unnecessary death.

Sarah:

-I’m so glad we got to meet her in the first episode. I feel like she really helps to show a more personal side of Sam and helps us develop his character more than say a girlfriend would’ve.

-I’m really hoping she’s safe. Like with this last episode, her being threatened, I hope it was just empty promises.

-I love her and I want more of her character

Karli:

-I totally understand where she’s coming from and I support the base idea of the flag smashers but like Sam said, they’re going about it the wrong way.

-I feel like her character development is sort of messy but idk maybe we get more in the last two episodes that sort of tie stuff up.

Zemo:

-Omg why is he so funny and relatable? Like he’s just such a meme I love it

-I truly think he has good intentions but no one is ever gonna trust him because he executes them the unethical way (similar to the flag smashers/Karli)

-Was is he always balling out in that fur coat? He’s so cool. What a fashion icon

Ayo/Dora Milaje:

-OMG OMG OMG THE FIGHT SCENE WAS SO BADASS I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW AMAZING THEY WERE AND WHEN THEY KICKED UP THE SHIELD FROM JOHN I SQUEALED IT WAS SO FUCKING PERFECT I STAN SOME BADASS QUEENS WHO DESERVES NOTHING LESS THAN THE GROUND THEY WALK ON TO BE WORSHIPPED 😍😍😍

-Lol but seriously, they were so cool and I hope we get more of them in the future episodes because as I always do when they’re on screen I got chills.

Sharon Carter:

-I really have no idea what she’s doing at this point. Like she’s just hanging out keeping an eye on them? Idk like if that’s all she’s gonna do what’s the point? Bring her back for one episode and show how badass and useful she is, then just keep her on the sidelines and hardly use her? Why?

-I hope they have more in store for her

Torres:

-What happened to my homie? They did the same thing with Sharon where is seems they just forgot about him? Idk hopefully he pops back up again. He was cool and brave as hell for going in a investigating the flag smashers with no backup

Isaiah Bradley:

-😢 he deserves better.

Sam Wilson

-I JUST WANT HIM TO CLAIM THE SHIELD. YOURE WORTHY BABY I PROMISE (but I get his reasoning)

-I enjoyed getting to see into his family/home life.

-I’m kinda disappointed thus far with his overall role in this show. Honestly feels like it’s more about John Walker and Bucky. Idk maybe the last two episodes dive deeper into his character since they are longer but it just seems weird that really all we got was half the show in the first episode then now just random little snippets of him talking in ways that further our understanding of where he stands with the government and flag smashers. It’s nothing to the scale of what we’re seeing with Bucky.

-I really enjoy the subtle/not so subtle ways they are showing Sams experience as a black man in America. They are executing it well and I think showing it the way they are is important exposure to those topics that can lead to important discussions.

-I love the flourishing bromance of SamBucky 😊

-I really hope we see more of him and Sharon because they’re a good dynamic 👀

Bucky:

-SEBASTIAN STAN IF YOU DONT STOP BREAKING MY DAMN HEART IM SUING (I have so many scenes in particular I want to talk about but I’ll do that in another post because this would be too long if I didn’t.)

-I’m living for this development we’re getting

-I want Bucky at peace. I’m manifesting it 🧘‍♀️

-Again, SamBucky??? I love it.

-I can’t wait to see him with the shield helping Sam train. It’s gonna be so GOOD

In conclusion. I love the show so far and I’m so excited to see where it goes 🤪

[lia-jones]

ahhh good day again lia!!!! i really hope your vacation is going amazing!! i finally got the time to sit down and reply to you and i have a lot of things to say!!! (arranged in point form because this looked like a load of mess when i had finished typing it out - not exactly eye candy)~ - ok, first order of business: the keeper's journal. i was so excited to tell you about it when i read the latest chapters!! i went and read all the chapters again and everything made so much more sense...and i was not expecting psyche to be andrea's mom!!!!! before the confirmation in chapter four i had tons of crazy theories about her true identity (my craziest one yet being a pre-loveland andrea who had her mind erased and sent to loveland to get closer to victor for the reason that he was somewhat special... * sigh * my imagination seriously takes me places - not the right places - but places). - and another thing!!!!! this means that andrea's mom is also an evolver right?? she can read people's minds! which reminds me of a certain scene a while ago (i'm 85% sure im not making this up) where andrea was talking to her on the phone and she was thinking about how she feels like her mom could read people's minds! i didn't know you were being literal!! easter eggs are something i normally look for in your stories but i completely overlooked this! you're literally so good at hiding info in your stories! - now for my opinion on where the story is going...i'm not sure, to be honest. the keeper's journal is broken up in such a way that it's difficult to piece together what information is going to be revealed next (which is not a bad thing by the way, it just makes it seem more like a journal). but now that i know that the general gist of the keeper's journal is about andrea's mom (or who she was before - psyche), maybe what comes next might be further dealings with andrea's evol? or maybe even her investigation into victor and his own evol. even if this is completely wrong, i'm so looking forward to what you're going to come up with next!!

🌼🌼🌼🌼

now the other day i saw some questions to ask you (related to your story) that i've never thought of asking! i'll put them down below: 1. did you have any ideas for your plot that didn't make the cut? (if you have to spoil anything to answer this question, then you can avoid it lol) 2. is there any part of the entire series that was the most difficult for you to write? (i'll leave the word 'difficult' up to your own interpretation) 3. how did you come up with the title for your series? 4. was there any part of the plot you wrote in the past that you had another idea for? like the scene could've gone another way and changed the direction of the plot? 5. so we've seen almost all of the mlqc boys in your fic (vic as the male lead, gavin as mia's husband, and a few glimpses of lucien who'll most likely play a bigger role in the future), but will you ever mention kiro? 6. have you ever gotten emotional about any of the scenes you've written?

✨✨✨✨ (my rambling continued) - ahh i have another suggestion for an idea you could use!!!! pleaseee talk more about the relationship between lucien and victor!!! they had one confrontation during the game (and it was half-assed, more or less), but it left so many loose ends! since your writing is so much more thorough than the mlqc writers (hopefully they really do hire you one day to write for them) maybe you can try to expand on their relationship? i don't have any particular ideas for where you can take it, but any kind of closure between the two of them would be amazing. i'll leave it up to your own genius~ - at last, i have finally found a piece of inspiration for you! so remember when i said i liked learning about rare, obscure words? well the other day i came across this word, 'mizpah' (it's hebrew), and it means 'the deep emotional bond between people, especially those separated by distance or death,' and my mind immediately went to victor and mina! i thought it might be a wonderful concept for you to explore (and probably something you might relate to as well) - now for my answers to your questions... ▪ favorite fanfic trope?: similar to yours, except a bit more specific - redemption stories! there is love and beauty in everything, you just have to look closely. which is probably why i love your stories so much - it shows how possible it is to make something out of nothing. ▪ favorite part of your personality?: my self-reliance! i would like to consider myself an independent person who can do anything (and this may or may not lead to refusing to ask other people for help when i'm stuck) ▪ alsoooo we have the same favorite flower - peonies!!!! they're absolutely gorgeous, and totally underrated~

🔮🔮🔮🔮

phew, i had no idea this ask would be so long (i hope you don't mind), and hopefully my rambling was coherent. i thought i had only one thing to say but apparently that wasn't the case. i'm so excited to hear from you, and have a wonderful rest of your week!! take care!!! love ya lots! - 🌸 anon

Yay, finally I get to answer you back! I'm sorry for the delay, but I spent most of my vacation sleeping and not existing, and writing, and I really wanted to give your questions the deserved attention, because they are so good! First, I would add to comment a bit on your comments! The answer regarding if Mariana is an Evolver or not will actually be in the next chapters that I'm posting right after posting this (I'm looking forward to your comments on them, they are very special to me). The Keeper's journal is not exactly about Mariana... I recommend you reading the very first chapter of the journal, but other chapters will be added, and everyone will understand better what this is about (and who the Keeper really is). Now to your questions :)

1. did you have any ideas for your plot that didn't make the cut? (if you have to spoil anything to answer this question, then you can avoid it lol)

Yes, lots of them. The Growing Pains series has taken so many twist and turns it's not even funny (especially for my messy author's head) and to be honest, I still haven't fully decided on the ending. Most of them are related to the parts I'm writing now and the future ones, but there are a few I can tell you about from Growing Pains and Growing Stronger:

Initially, Ted would try to kill Andrea and Victor would get shot while trying to protect her. After shooting Victor, Ted would kill himself in front of them, and their love would grow through bonding from that trauma.

Growing Pains ended with Andrea being severely beaten by Daniel, and no breakup. The breakup would occur somewhere in the middle of part 2, because Andrea fell into deep depression.

The initial idea of Victor falling apart when he did when he had the panic attack was slightly different. I was going to give him a heart attack instead and make him fall on his face in the middle of a meeting.

Somewhere down the line in their marriage, for reasons I can't disclose, Andrea would lose her memory after being heavily tortured. Victor would have to follow her closely to try and bring her memories back.

Owen was supposed to be diagnosed with autism. I decided not to because it got too close to home (my daughter was diagnosed last year) and I was afraid of rubbing someone the wrong way. And I'm sorry if what I'm going to say does wrong someone the wrong way, but the same way I don't like my daughter being labeled with her diagnosis (because she is so incredibly awesome and so much more than that), I don't want to do it with any of my characters either. Both Owen and my pumpkin have incredible personalities that stand on their own without any need for labels.

2. is there any part of the entire series that was the most difficult for you to write? (i'll leave the word 'difficult' up to your own interpretation)

God, these last two were tough to write! Mostly because they are so informative, and I was so scared of writing an essay instead of a chapter. You tell me how that went. I can name a few that were super tough to write for different reasons:

Any chapter that involves smut: really, smut is super hard to write for me, it's hard to find a balance. On one hand, I don't want it to be crass or make Victor sound like this domdaddy! that borderlines sadism, because with Andrea it's different. On the other hand, I don't want it to sound like a cheap romance novel with lots of metaphors, because sex should be a healthy thing between a couple, not taboo. In a nutshell, it's hard to find the right place where Victor still keeps all his intensity and at the same time gives himself totally to Andrea. Also, I think both Victor and Andy are very physical people, and that's how they communicate best, so there needs to be a perceptible hidden dialogue in there. Lots of things to achieve, right?

Chapters where I focus on maternal/paternal relationships: This one is way too close to home for me, but I feel it's also cathartic. But oftentimes I have to stop writing and go do something else. because it weighs on me and triggers me immensely.

3. how did you come up with the title for your series?

Ermmm, to be honest, it kind of just popped! I wanted it to be about growth through adversity, and Growing Pains was an easy pick.

4. was there any part of the plot you wrote in the past that you had another idea for? like the scene could've gone another way and changed the direction of the plot? Oops, I kind of got excited and answered that already in question number one.

Oh, but I remembered another one. The stone was supposed to be a satellite and Victor definitely remembered putting it up. Oh and there was a fight scene with Gavin! (how could I forget this, damn)

5. so we've seen almost all of the mlqc boys in your fic (vic as the male lead, gavin as mia's husband, and a few glimpses of lucien who'll most likely play a bigger role in the future), but will you ever mention kiro?

So... at the risk of raising chaos and mayhem... Kiro has already made a few appearances, I just didn't name him. :D

6. have you ever gotten emotional about any of the scenes you've written? Yes, definitely. In order to write about a character, I have to put myself in their shoes, and writing about them for so long really made me familiar with their emotions (or where I want them to go, anyway). I often cry when writing about Victor's childhood, I can feel Andrea's anger when she decides to take matters into her own hands and fix them, and as a mom, I feel deeply in each of Owen's chapters (the fear Vic and Andy felt at that courthouse was very real to me.) About the relationship between Victor and Lucien: Although Lucien is not my bias, I do find him one of the most interesting and complex characters in MLQC, as he clearly dwells between the light and the dark side. I find him absolutely fascinating, and I hate to see how sometimes he is depicted as a manipulative prick, as he is so much more than that. Although he is not one of my MCs, I definitely want to give Lucien a voice, and make a story for him that motivates his actions (as of now, it still seems so wishy-washy to me). It won't take long until Lucien and Victor see each other again, and they will confront each other often. As it often happens with Lucien, his actions don't always speak for his intentions, and he is proficient in using other people's emotions and beliefs to create a curtain of smoke to hide his own. I hope I can do it justice.

I absolutely loved the Mizpah word, although I'm not sure I'll use it regarding Victor and Mina. Sadly, things will get a lot worse before they get better and Victor still has a lot to lose (willingly) in order to protect the ones he loves... And now I'm off to post the new chapters! I hope you enjoy them, and if you can, let me know how you felt about them. Thank you for the very interesting questions, they really encourage me to produce more and more! I hope you have an amazing week and I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon! Huge hug!