#and look. im gay. im a straight up lesbian. fully not attracted to men. but after seeing dallon weekes perform live hot damn.....

[vitamin-zeeth]

Still infinitely funny to me that idkhow split in half and then their next album was literally three times better than anything else they've made. Literally the equivalent of a post-breakup glowup Dallon Weekes is so iconic for that

[redheadbigshoes]

there’s such a weird like. contradiction in that I have a lot of internalized homophobia and a feeling of not wanting to be a lesbian and yet. A peace in having found an explanation for so much. Yk? I used to have so much stress and anxiety about how I’d have to date men one day and I really really tried to make myself attracted to them without really realizing that was what I was doing and I tried to stop looking at women in porn (never watched gay porn, felt fetishy. I watched straight porn and imagined myself as the guy and convinced myself that was straight but then eventually I was thjnkng lkke..well if I have to have sex with men one day I’ll have to actually just look at him and not a woman. And because I’m straight watching porn and looking at the woman is some deviant behavior so I better stop. I mean. What if I have sex and there’s no woman to look at obviously or what if my boyfriend asks me what porn I like and I’m like. Women. Exclusively.) and especially because certain expected heterosexual sex acts actually repulsed me and I couldn’t continue if I imagined myself in the position of the woman in that situation and ew I’d “have to” do that one day and it’s so embarrassing and I just. Had so much. I wanted to run away from heterosexuality. Kinda. I fought tooth and nail against every aspect of it. Unitonically one time I told TWO of my friends if I ever got married (it was understood that this would be to a man) make sure I’m not drugged or in danger or im of sound mind. Because it fully seemed like soemthign I would never do. I had spontaneous commitment issues 💀

… And then I realized I’m gay and I have so much internalized homophobia to overcome, but there is a strange comfort in having an explanation for so much of all my past behaviors. I’m not a failing heterosexual. Im a straight A gay 👉👉 (fingerguns)

like I don’t have to actually do all those things I didn’t want to do. I miss out on some things I wish I could…I always kinda…looked forward to eventually liking men? Eventually doing what I was supposed to do and finally Getting It, yk? I really wanted to eventually develop finding them appealing. I also have this one male friend who I’ve always been shipped with and I just always assumed we would date when we were older and I don’t want to date them but I do grieve the life I l thought I’d have.

If I date women forever, though, I will not have missed out on men? Just the experience of knowing what they are like in a romantic context which I don’t think I can see them. I used to think atleast if I get a boyfriend now, before I go to college, I can just break up with him because we’re going off to college and then I can try women.

in my mind liking men would be like LOVING Taylor swift. like. damn. I wish I went to the store and my favorite songs were on, yk? I’m not crazy about this at all but I acknowledge my life would probably be more joyful if I found joy in such a thing. im jealous of you. (No offense to anyone who really likes her it’s just not my taste but I wish it was it seems nice)

I don’t really think that’s a contradiction. You’re relieved a lot of the things you would think, a lot of experiences you went through, finally have an explanation. I do relate with a lot of the things you mentioned.

When I realized I am a lesbian it was kinda like you said (about the internalized homophobia but also the peace). It was an absurd relief, it was like something had finally clicked and everything suddenly made sense. How I would feel like I didn’t fit in, that I was different.

[morimakesfanart]

I was born in a country that didn't really advertise the lgbtq Community ( most people are homophobic) I was about 14 when I learned that there were other genders the only ones I knew were boy and girl Im 15 years old now and still have a hard time asking questions about this subject to my parents, Im an internet child and everything I know is from the internet. Im not sure what is correct or wrong because internet people sexualises Im sorry for being silent. I just dont know what I should say

It's totally fine! You don't have to say anything if you aren't comfortable or don't want to. :3 I didn't find out that there were nonbinary genders until I was in my 20's. I thought I was a girl that was a boy sometimes and had no idea that there were other people like me. My parents knew and taught me about gay, lesbian and bisexual when I was 7-8, so I've known for a long time that I wasn't straight. We all get exposed to these things at different rates. (I didn't have private access to the internet until I was 19 when I saved up to get my own computer)

As long as you remain respectful, I am fully willing to answer any questions about my sexuality and gender :3

I'll say it forever: ignorance is not a sin. No one comes into this world knowing everything. And education and exposure to things is absolutely a privilege :3 As long as you are willing to learn and are respectful, it is okay to not know something. It only becomes a problem when someone tries to force others to fit their expectations.

Semi recently I was asked in dms to explain LGBTQ+ stuff by a few different people that were new to it, so I already have explanations ready :D

Note: these explanations use USA names and understandings for things. Other cultures and languages have different words. I am explaining the basics for a lot of aspects of LGBT+ so I won't be explaining a lot of the nuance. Consider this a place to get started in learning what terms to search for so you can find more, or have more words to be able to ask questions :3 The LGBTQIA+ WIKI is a good resource to look up more information.

Explanation under the cut because it's long. I broke it down into 3 sections: biological sex, gender, sexuality/romantic attraction.

Biological Sex

Biological sex, and gender are 2 separate things. Sex determins your gonads (sex organs).

There are many possible chromosome combinations that determine a human's biological sex. It is true that there are 2 combinations that are the most common (XX, XY). The others are rare and affect the body in different ways (X, XXY, XYY, YY, XXXY, etc). Many of these lead to a person having a mix of gonads, may be missing one or more sexual organs or have different hormone balances. This makes them ntersex. The fact that someone is intersex might not be visible if the difference is internal. Because of this many intersex people have no way to know they are intersex without getting a DNA test. There is a very small percent of the population that is innersex. Google gives the number 1.7%, but remember that 1.7% of 8.05 billionis is still tens of millions of people. (Intersex is the I in LGBTQIA+)

Gender

Gender is a collection of expectations and presentations defined by a culture -normally paired to a person's preceived sex. Many things that are normal for a gender in one culture will not be the same in other cultures. These expectations normally define: hair length, clothes, family role, etc). Most people do not fully adhere with the expectations on their gender.

Gender nonconforming means that the person does not conform to the social expectations of their gender beyond the normal deviation. This can include using vocal and visual mannerisms, or pronouns that don't align with their gender. (Feminine men, he/him women, etc )

Cis gender- identifying with your assigned gender at birth. (Man, woman (the binary genders))

Trans gender- not identifying with your assigned gender. (Trans man, trans woman, any nonbinary gender)

Nonbinary is not identifying with the social belief that there are only 2 genders; it is not a 3rd gender. There are multiple genders that don't fit in the binary that fall under the umbrella title of nonbinary. (You might see nonbinary shortened to enby which is from the pronunciation of "NB", but to differentiate it from NB which stands for "not black.") Some common nonbinary genders are agender, demi boy/demi girl, bi gender, and gender fluid (like me :D).

Sexuality (& Romantic Attraction)

Sexuality is what genders you are attracted to -normally uses your gender as a basis. Since the names of many of these were made before it was more widely accepted that there are more than 2 genders, the names often reflect the gender binary. If you research the history of all of them you will find far more nuance.

The term queer was used as a slur for a time, but the community has reclaimed it, and often uses it as an umbrella term for anyone who is LGBTQIA+ (it is also what the Q stands for). Since it was considered a slur, many people aren't comfortable being called it, so it's good practice to not call someone queer without their permission even if they are LGBT+. I really like the term queer and often refer to myself as queer because it can be a lot easier than explaining my specific gender and sexuality.

Straight- attracted to the opposite gender

Gay- men attracted to men

Lesbian- women attracted to women.

Straight, gay, and lesbian are generally considered attracted to exclusively one gender. The term "fluid" can be attached to these to say that while they are mainly attracted to [gender] sometimes they are attracted to other genders. You may also see these terms attached to bisexual to denote preference.

Since gay and lesbian are widely considered attracted to exclusively one gender there are other terms becoming popular that are not as exclusive. Sapphic is women that love women (and can love other genders). Achillean is men that love men (and can love other genders).

It's also worth noting that Straight, Gay and Lesbian are accepting of non binary genders in both who can identify with the sexuality labels, and who they are attracted to.

Enbian- nonbinary people attracted to nonbinary people (this is a semi new term that is still developing.)

Bisexual- there's a lot of debate on the exact meaning, but it has come to be accepted as an umbrella term for people who are attracted to more than one gender. (I fall under this one. I normally say I'm bi/pan fluid because my preference moves around a lot -depends on what characters I've been hyperfixating on recently XD)

Asexual (ace)- someone who does not experience sexual attraction. They may or may not experience sexual desire (horny). They can still experience romantic attraction and crave romantic relationships.

Aromantic (aro)- someone who does not experience romantic attraction. They may or may not experience romantic desire. They can still experience sexual attraction.

Note that Asexual and Aromantic are spectrums. These are the most common that I tend to see, and for a while where used as sub-umbrella terms:

Asexual/aromantic- does not experience attraction

Gray sexual/romantic- experiences attraction in rare circumstance or only when specific things are in place (can be like having very specific taste). Or they can only experience attraction in a mild way.

Demi sexual/romantic- experiences attraction only after forming a bond with a person. For many this is only after knowing someone for a long time, but doesn't always have to be.

Asexual and Aromantic people will often specify their combination. Examples: Asexual Lesbian Romantic; Aromantic Bisexual. (I am Gray bi/pan romantic, and Demi sexual (specifically cupiosexual))

Also, regardless on whether or not someone experiences sexual attraction, they may or may not be accepting of, or like sex. This is normally broken down into 3 umbrella levels: Sex Favorable, Sex Neutral, Sex Repulsed. Sex favorable is considered the normal for non-ace relationships. It's very common for people that experienced sexual abuse to be sex repulsed. (I am sex favorable)

There is a lot of overlap with these, as well as with ace and aro. For example: in fandom and fanfiction spaces expect to find many asexuals that are sex repulsed in real life but love to explore sex in fiction.

One final note: the A in LGBTQIA+ refers to agender, asexual and aromantic. It does not refer to ally.

If anyone has any questions about these, I will do my best to respond and give links to where you can do more reading. For obvious reasons I know more about the parts I identify with, than the parts I don't :3

[cowboyjen68]

Hey jen first off congrats on your new tshirt lol but also, do you know of any lesbians that truly didn’t realize they were gay or different until they were much older? i didnt realize I might be gay until I was 19 and even then, there was SEVERE self doubt cus I was well aware how my abusive father had and continues to completely warp and destroy how I view, trusted (i didnt and still dont) and interacted (i didnt and still dont) with cishetero men. Like I’m scared my sexuality is just a massive trauma response. Growing up I had a lot of what i thought were crushes on guys but a lot of times the ‘crushes’ were just me wanting to get their attention and be their friend. I did have a few “romantic” ones but again those men were completely unattainable and theres was no chance we’d ever date or that they’d ever pay me any attention and i...................took comfort in that. it wasnt until I was 19 that i had my first crush (or first that i was aware of) on a girl, but she was straight. and It wasnt until I got my first crush on another lesbian, at age 22 (im 26 now) that it truly smacked me in the face - I was literally losing sleep over this girl, I could barely hold a conversation without blushing and stuttering, hearing her voice or seeing her walk by made my stomach perform a simone biles floor routine, but when she smiled at or complimented me id be smiling goofily for the rest of the day. Then i found out she had a gf and my heart dropped to my ass and while I hate to admit it, i felt the petty jealousy and envy bubbling up to the surface (but i absolutely never acted on it cus i knew the feelings were irrational and silly). Like I felt like I was back in middle school and like.......a guy has NEVER brought that intensity of emotions out of me. The first time I slept with a woman I loved it, and continue to love it and i know this paragraph is painting a massive picture of “yes you fucking idiot you are gay” but when i talk to or hear stories from other lesbians, I can never relate or align to that feeling of “knowing I was different since I was young”, I had 0 clue up until my 20s. that paired with my upbringing, plus smaller traumas here and there also centered around men..........like im truly scared that the day i fully heal is the day I’m gonna realize my sexuality is a lie. and its a big reason (besides mental and emotional instability) i avoid relationships even though i want one cus i dont wanna put another girl through hell just cus i cant figure MY shit out you know? Like this sounds so childish but I wish there was like an entrance exam or something that you can take and itll give you some type of definitive answer like: “yes youre gay”, “nope straight”, “maybe? need more info/experience” or “pls for the love of god go to therapy”

Ok.. first. yeah.. therapy can be great.. even for healthy, well adjusted people.

BUT:

Once of the reasons I didn't know "what" i was is because I had no exposure to role models that looked like me. No one to show me what life might look like besides what I saw with my mom and dad, the neighbors mom and dad, my uncles and aunts.. the man woman kids model. I had no words or word for my experience and not really any idea there was any option.

I knew was different especially once puberty hit, there was just no way for me to know how I was different or to know I wouldn't outgrow the "phase".

I always say, it is not necessary for any of us to have intimacy or sex with someone in order to have that "awakening" of our sexuality and I believe that. However, sometimes that little touch, kiss, tingly feeling can push us more towards our admitting it to ourselves sooner rather than later.

We all have different reasons to be unsure. In a neutral world it wouldn't matter, we would be attracted to whomever we are attracted to and that would be that. BUT the world is not neutral and figuring out out sexual orientation is important because it helps us fine our "safe" community in an often hostile world. Sadly that means we have to sort out our feelings, our experiences, social media and media and lots of lies and inconsistencies to separate that from for our innate sexual attraction. It is not always clear what is attraction, true passion and what is imposed upon us from outside pressure.

We all have different reasons to be unsure. In a neutral world it wouldn't matter, we would be attracted to whomever we are attracted to and that would be that. BUT the world is not neutral and figuring out out sexual orientation is important because it helps us fine our "safe" community in an often hostile world. Sadly that means we have to sort out our feelings, our experiences, social media and media and lots of lies and inconsistencies to separate that from for our innate sexual attraction. It is not always clear what is attraction, true passion and what is imposed upon us from outside pressure.

The good news is there is no time line and no shame in being wrong. Our innate sexuality does not change but our understanding of it does as we gain experience and get to know ourselves. Follow your heart. Do not date for others, date for yourself. You don’t need to know for sure to enjoy figuring it out. 

I can also tell you that I know lesbians my age who married men, had kids and had okay lives. It never occurred to them they were lesbians... then small things crept in. They realized what they thought was love was friendship. What they thought was passion was going through the motions. Then, one day, they met other lesbians, saw other lesbians and realized they had mistaken “finding a nice man” for love. and attraction. 

Don’t worry about the opinions of others. They don’t have any right to judge you or your past or your dating life. You are allowed to be wrong and to reevaluate yourself. I have a feeling that once you allow yourself to trust yourself you will figure things out much faster.

When you are ready to date you will not be too much for the right woman. Somehow all those things you think will be too hard for another will not be for someone with whom you click. It is also okay to not be ready to date. To take time for yourself. 

[bi-lesbian]

So I've read and seen shit over the years where self-identified gay men have admitted to being like a Kinsey 5 and sometimes/very rarely being interested in women (very infamously, Stephen Fry has an interview where he talks about having feelings for a woman co-worker), and their gayness is never questioned? It's maybe in part because people don't think men can be bisexual at all, but it's weird that these men can admit to a bisexual attraction while having a gay identity and no one bats an eye.

oh ! i never heard of the kinsey scale before, i just looked it up tho, thats neat :Oo that does seem to be a good thing to use to help describe specifics of sexualities sometimes !

also yeah man.. in my experience, gay, at least for men, is not discoursed/policed anywhere near the point the lesbian label is. and my suspect is that its probably mostly bc of political lesbianism/radfem rhetoric. if the idea of "you have to completely separate from men to be a "true" lesbian and a "true" feminist, or youre aiding in womens oppression by sleeping with men" didnt spring up around the 70s to make lesbian into an exclusionistic political identity, i dont think lesbianism would be argued and policed on so much.

and also, seriously how can anyone not see how biphobic that is??? political lesbianism literally says liking men makes ur support/love of women lesser, that you cant be fully trusted if you associate with men, and that its aiding in your own oppression if you do. (thats also a bad mindset to force onto straight women feminists if thats the only gender they like and they really want to be in relationships- but thats a bit off topic since im focusing on bi & lesbian relations rn fjzkjf)

i just. really really hate how normalized this exclusionistic view of lesbian is. the more and more i look into the history of this, the more blatantly biphobic shit i find and its just so fucking uncomfortable. im so tired of it all !! im so tired of lesbian being policed on so many different and way more standards than every other fucking label ! identity policing is exhausting and Ngl kinda fucking drives me crazy sometimes

ppl can be technically bi but use gay/lesbian or whatever else if they feel more described with those labels (like having very minor attraction to other genders, so prefer to state the gender/s they like most). or ppl can be gay/lesbian but use bi if they wanna for liking multiple genders (like only women and enbies or only men and enbies). or use multiple ones for labels like bi lesbian ! or use neither ! other things! whatever! ppls experiences are vast and its why we have such a vast range of terms ppl like to use to label themselves with! we dont need to fit into just a few neat boxes or have those boxes be extremely strict and separate

[nbapprentice]

You said a while back that while Supergiant games (Bastion, Transistor, Hades) was mostly okay, you had some words about them. I was curious as to what those words were, since Hades' full release is soon.

okay. alright. ive been playing hades lately so i definitely want to give my two cents (or dollars by the size this is gonna get). but let’s go Step by Step

the good: i want to throw a whole Endorsement over supergiant games with the art direction and its characters, which is what keeps me coming back again and again, and what i can assume is that most people are attracted to. 

gameplaywise, they have a Format they stick to which has become their staple, not to their detriment but to their advantage, like... gameplay tropes, so to speak, that they stick to (such as the addition of special conditions that give a disadvantage in exchange for more long-term rewards)

i fucking adore that they take one concept per game, go for it, and when they’re done they are Done; they don’t bother with sequels, they don’t want to run things to the ground and i fucking respect that. They have their themes, and they stick to them (to various degrees of success).

that said, like every piece of media, they are not perfect and this has to be analysed and spoken about

CONTENT WARNINGS: genocide and ethnic cleansing, antisemitism, misogyny, homophobia, suicide, and mentions of incest, and a general Spoilers warning

bastion: touches on ethnic cleansing, and not in a way i’d say is satisfactory. our narrator and one of our Sympathetic characters is one of the men who worked on a world-ending weapon meant to use against the Ura (a group of people coded as East Asian) which after a bit of googling is literally called “the final solution” if there was ever a war between the Ura and the Cael (who feel like rly tan white people to me). jesus fucking CHRIST.

we also meet more Ura other than our two named characters and we have to kill most of them. so that fucking blows.

the game tries for “being a genocidal monster will get you fucked up and blown up” which duh, but i feel we shouldn’t have had a person responsible for war crimes be one of our friends no matter how bad he feels about the whole thing, or the people victim of war crimes become villains in the latter half of the game. zia’s father could’ve taken ruck’s role ez pz.

transistor: the weakest of their games, imo; the lore and writing are fairly flimsy and i did not come out feeling Satisfied, especially because it had this rly good build-up that did not pay off. not to mention... their villains? 3/4 were gay people. lol. two married guys (not even explicit, you only realize by their shared last names) and the ps*cho lesbian trope (iirc she wanted to kill the protagonist’s lover or something). the female protagonist also ends up killing herself to live forever in a digital paradise with her dead lover. it’s. god. 

very Aesthetic, GORGEOUS music, interesting gameplay; had potential, i do not feel like it lived up to it at least as far as the story goes.

pyre: now this one. this one’s BEEFY. where transistor felt flimsy, pyre is rich; lots to sink your teeth into, rich in lore and loveable characters, again w the beautiful music, themes of cooperation and togetherness. my favorite of the cast is volfred sandalwood, the only Black (or, well, Black-coded) revolutionary i’ve ever seen portrayed with this amount of sympathy.

onto the bad: they literally have a Class of character named “Savage”; there’s the “mystical mentally ill person” trope; there is an overwhelming amount of explicit m/f pairs (one of them being. a romance that formed in a single day and then both of the characters were somehow willing to risk it all for each other? PLEASE) while the only hints of gayness are... hints. especially when Jodariel (another of my favs) is teased to have feelings for the player regardless of gender then only gets an ending with a male character with whom she has nothing in common 🙃

hades: and now. this one. music: gorgeous. character designs: spectacular (aphrodite is straight up naked but it’s so... natural and casual, it doesn’t feel sexualized at all). voice acting amazing. character interactions charming and endearing. as a greek mythology nerd, it was nice to see them go for the obscure shit like Zagreus at all, NOT portray Persephone and Hades as a loving couple, AND portrayed the gods as the bunch of petty assholes (some more benevolent than others) that they are. imo they’re too generous with their portrayal of achilles but i’ll allow it.

and finally... it seems all those criticisms about having all the gay characters hidden in the shadows paid off, cuz we got (aside of patroclus and achilles) a bisexual polyamorous protag. Holy Shit! and it’s not even playersexual, romance whomever you want shit without the routes recognizing each other: he explicitly talks about how he’s thinking abt them both (though it’s like “yeah usually mortals take one lover but gods love many huh” polyamory is a human thing too bro!!!!!)

and this is where it all goes, well, at least vaguely downhill lol. ok so the incest warning i gave up there? well. it’s not... outright incestuous. but it has some ugly implications. i want to emphasize: the characters never refer to each other as siblings, nor do they treat each other as such (thanatos, in fact, only recognizes hypnos as his brother, and megaera only sees the other furies as her sisters), but they were all raised by the same woman, Nyx... zagreus and thanatos even grew up together (im assuming megaera didnt meet zagreus until he was fully grown).

this is complicated even worse by the fact that they tried to trick zagreus into believing Nyx was his mother. he realized pretty early on this was not true but like... adoptive mothers, anyone? granted i can believe that bc of the attempt at deception that probably ruptured any attempt at actual familial closeness, and it’s not like hypnos and thanatos saw zagreus as their brother at any point, so they were p much aware of the truth too. with the fact that thanatos even looks like goth miles edgeworth (im not kidding you can google him up right now its literally edgeworth in a cowl) i rly feel they were aiming for Childhood Friend Anime Rival Man than the “surprise kiss bc ur not actually related <3″ shit. zagreus never once refers to nyx as his mother in-game, and also refers to thanatos and hypnos as her sons, never his brothers.

so yeah, like. if one’s feeling generous, zagreus and thanatos are more of a “my father is emotionally closed off and neglects me so my best friend’s mother basically raised me” kind of situation... just pulled off in, perhaps, the worst way possible (why didnt they just say Zagreus was told Hekate was his mom, that’s such an easy fix? or that he was born of nobody other than Hades??? [gestures at athena])

but then, the gods. aaaaaaaahhhhahahahh the gods. demeter shows up! and she calls zeus, hades and poseidon... her foster-brothers. which somehow would make the persephone thing less fucking awful, apparently. they really. really really did not need to do that. she could’ve just said “my fellow gods” or whatever. or my “god-brothers” or something, to pretend it was just a weird god alliance thing??? i dont know but implying that foster family isn’t family is just... bro, the dynamics still exist.

Don’t Like That.

i even contacted supergiant games over this. they reassured me they were even trying to avoid the incest of the original myths bc they didn’t want to mess with such a heavy theme. i believe them... but i really think they didn’t think this through. compared to something like fire emblem fates this is nearly benign, but the implications don’t look good :/

tl;dr of the tl;drs: i admire their artistic philosophy and the heavy emphasis on fresh gameplay, characters and their relationships; i appreciate that it seems that they listen to criticism?; i don’t appreciate that they didn’t think to at LEAST talk to adoptees when making a game about family.

[pinksthetics]

Flag anon back, that might be true about problems between bisexuals and pansexuals (and I know that’s not limited to non binary people, but also binary trans people based on what my bi friends tell me and what my trans friends have been told), but that’s not stated at all in the post? And OP was very clear that they could make a post specific to bi issues in the notes, but this still happened anyway. To me this felt like a real “all lives matter” moment and if I was good at image editing I’d be slapping that prison stripe straight pride flag onto this because I basically get the same thing out of either. Feels like an issue important to me brought up on a post about people like me is now about infighting within the “B” umbrella without even saying the word pansexual? I’m sorry it’s just frustrating because I know this week someone will be telling me that I can’t be a lesbian if I’m attracted to non binary people, but hey did you know that bisexuality means you can pick two genders (that’s where the bi comes from!) and you can pick non binary and women! That is the plot to literal conversations that I have had with people. Totally fair that pansexuals don’t have a claim to non binary people, but OP was telling people in the notes to stop making it about bi people - bisexuals weren’t excluded to be mean, they were excluded because people tend to be far more close minded about “homosexuals” and who they can be attracted to. Again I’m sorry, I’m just tired of having my identity policed and I’m frustrated and partly taking it out on you. People keep telling me and my trans friends that “bisexuality is the only moral sexuality” and that “the only people who could love a trans person are bisexual” so there’s a lot of real life harmful messaging there 😔

ok putting ur next ask and my response under the read more bc this got rly long 

Flag anon again, okay I think I just needed to kind of yell that out into the empty void that is the internet. Sorry to have made you the victim of that dump, but I guess all of the things have been telling me and my repressed feelings have been swirling around for a while. Just to be clear I fully have nothing against bisexuals as people (the majority of my irl friends are bisexual and are thankfully super nice apart from the odd micro aggressive comment). It just rubbed me the wrong way that I get hateful messaging from some people in the bisexual (not pansexual) community specifically and I felt like the original post might be something that those bisexual people might see and maybe introspect on their attitudes, but with the addition I feel like all of that is lost in them fighting an invisible unnamed enemy. Either way, I guess I have some trauma and this post set me off a bit so I’m sorry again! I just hope people will remember the original point of the post above all else because there are a lot of posts I’ve seen about bisexual and pansexual issues related to non binary people, but there are far less for lesbians and gay men sadly 😔

ok i understand what you’re saying and i see that op doesnt want people to derail the discussion from talking specifically about gay and lesbian people but the original post did say “every sexuality” and i feel like at this point you’re talking about issues beyond just the point of this post. you’re completely valid as a lesbian for being attracted to trans and nonbinary people but it doesnt sit right with me that you have this much frustration towards bi people, whether you realize it or not. 

the addition to the post really did not have any harmful messages as far as i see it, so it seems like your frustration stems from things that other people have said to you. im sorry that people have disrespected and invalidated you. however, the bi community is not “fighting an invisible unnamed enemy.” bi people face just as much invalidation and i recommend you look into that and try to understand it. there really needs to be solidarity between the gay and bi communities because, while we each face our own issues, theres a lot of overlap. 

once again, i completely understand that the original post was specific to gay and lesbian people. its not uncommon for people to add to posts and take away focus from where it should be. if you look in the notes of any posts you’re bound to find some upsetting comments. the important thing is that you have the choice to just reblog the original or even make your own post. 

i really hope you can speak with your friends about how hurtful their comments can be if they are saying things that come off as micro aggressions. and i hope you can find peace in solidarity throughout the lgbt community because honestly its counterproductive to create issues between communities. we all need a space to talk about the problems we face and we should all be supporting each other through it 

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

[totoroses]

i found this lesbian survey and decided to fill it out!

Femme or butch? is this what do i prefer or which i am? im a femme and i have no preference in dating, i’ve been wildly attracted to both and any in between

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it. the only nearly completely common denominator though my exes are having brown eyes? i have dated only one person who did not have brown eyes. i always feel safer looking into brown eyes then blue. i woudl say i have often gone after the romantic artsy type with good music taste and some kind of signature style about them, ironically none of which drew me to my current girlfriend who i believe is probably defintiely the love of my life

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? leather jackets! i will swoon over smartly dressed gals in button downs as well as a chill gal in some plaid unbuttoned flannel but the two together make me think of a lumberjack

Describe your style. i usually go for one of two styles- softly dressed forest wanderer, or slightly sassy soft grunge. both include my doc martens, but one is more natural colours and old fashioned dresses and the other is sassy tshirts and 90sish thrift store finds like denim and dark florals

Describe your aesthetic.pressed flowers between the pages of a book on forest spirits, rose milk tea, silver rainy downpours, curly baby hairs, white peaches, a cat sleeping in a library, custard pastries, a circle of mushrooms in moss, opals and furry moths

Favorite article of clothing? my one forever 21 dress ive had since like junior year that i can wear without a bra and it has like a cool cross back i just looooveee ittt, then also my embroidered minty 1930s style qipao sort of dress

Favorite pair of shoes? my doc martens and green chinese embroidered lace up slippers

Current haircut? currently blonde (ugh) and currently my hair falls just past my breasts, the goal is to grow it to my bellybutton!

Any haircut goals for the future? i really wanna get on the thick fluffy bangs bandwagon but i dont think i have the stamina to put up with growing them out again smh

Describe the best date you’ve been on. there was this one date i went on with one of my high school girlfriends where we went to a bookstore and hung out and then stuck googly eyes all over my city on random monuments and street signs, and we also ate thai food and listened to music and it was still one of the most lovely dates. BUT my girlfriend recently visited me in taiwan and we went in a glass bottom gondola ride up a mountain and drank from coconuts and wandered through old streets and had the most amazing tea food with a spectacular view and it was heaven

Describe the worst date you’ve been on. probably the one where i went on a picnic with my first girlfriend who then broke up with me that same day and even though our entire relationship was so awkward and not what is should have been it still hurt so bad

Single? Taken? taken!

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife! where do i begin! my girlfriend is a slightly shorter than me girl named lynn who loved korean variety shows, drinking coca cola, listening to cheesy love songs, and playing tricks on people (especially me). she used to be a major tomboy in middle and high school and date all the girls and get slapped a lot, as well as mess with teachers and play pranks on them and steal things from their lunchboxes. more than half of her birthchart including sun, rising, and venus are scorpio, and she wants to start her own streetstyle online brand but has not yet found a catchy brand name!

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife? :)

Describe your dream wedding my girlfriend says if we get married we need two, a traditional chinese wedding (she is from china) and a western one with a priest since i am catholic, and i couldnt agree more. my dream wedding includes just very close friends and family, extravagant lights and flowers and a reception party playlist chosen by me, catered by the teahouse we went to in taiwan. i know its so silly and superficial but i want the dreamiest dress that i design, wisteria everywhere, and most of all i just want lynn at the end of the alter looking stunning in whatever it is she decides to wear

Do you want kids? YES me and lynn talk about this a lot because we both love kids and both agree on at least 4, no more than 8. and we will share who carries the kids so not just one of us is having our uteruses worn out

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? guilin, china. but its a fantasy. guilin is real and beautiful but chinese laws make it so that even if we settle down there and build a house it cant truly belong to us, and in china you cant have a private business and it jsut sucks because the drema is to live in the quiet countryside with a simple life and beautiful scenery to explore together and with our children

Favorite lesbian movie? i love so many but im gonna go with the handmaiden!

Favorite lesbian novel/story? i havent read nearly enough, but  adore all things by malinda lo and julie anne peters! ash by malinda lo is probably my favourite. i have to still read sarah waters though, i hear she reigns supreme

Favorite lesbian song? don’t pull away by milosh ft jviews (the music video is gay at least, i also love hayley kiyoko)

Favorite lesbian musician? hayley kiyoko probably

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? mmmm i dont like softball so that doesnt work...i read a lot of sappho though! and i have short nails? and love buffy? are these stereotypes?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? ugh yes

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? write me a love letter or make me a mixtape about your feleings something cheesy

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? girls!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? cat but i also love pups!

Turn ons? a musical wonderful voice i could listen to and listen to, easy and stimulating conversations, passion for something that lights up their eyes

Turn offs? rudeness in any shape or form, indecisiveness or feigning indecisiveness because you think i want to make the decisions, despicable movie and music taste, smell

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? mmmm in the past it has been pretty even. i have learned though that with women it really is a waiting game more than with guys so with my current girlfriend the tension was killing me so much i had to straight up ask her if something was going on and when she said yes she did like me too i was so relieved because she admitted to having not dated anyone since high school (5 years ago for her) and not asking anyone out while at college so if i had kept waiting for her who knows if we would have gotten together!

What is your dream career? i want to be a stay at home mom and author and perhaps an art teacher or preschool teacher on the side if the books dont pa the bills!

Talk about your interests or hobbies! writing and reading and drawing and singing and hiking and listening to music and watching korean dramas and making lists and studying languages

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? passion, not necessarily in the sexual wya, but passion for something in general. like if she is an actress you see her on the stage and see how into it she is, and offstage she talks about it in a way that shows she is capable of truly loving something so much and seeing wonder in life. or a girl who seems quiet but then when she starts to show you the music she likes she closes her eyes and knows every lyric and has this expression of true passion and love for the music, i am captivated by women who are captivated by the purest elements of life from music to dance to nature

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? for women, i fall in infatuation quite easily. i was always more cautious with men of course and now i avoid them altogether. but love is something i’ve been becoming more conservative of somehow. i think because i was so hurt by someone before and gave and gave without receiving and im scared of that happening again. i have to be receiving love to give it, thats something i finally can control my impulses over and protect myself from.

Ever fallen for your best-friend? HA

Ever fallen for a straight girl? HAHA

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) heck to the no i couldnt make it past two episodes 

Favorite comfort food? macaroni and cheese

Coffee or tea? tea

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? none but i have tried vegetarian before

Do you have any pets? a chinchilla and a cat!

Early-riser or night-owl? night owl 

What is your sign? gemini sun, sag moon, sag rising

What is your Myers-Briggs type? INFP

Who was your first lesbian crush? my first serious lesbian crush was on a girl at my middle school who dressed to the nines every day in vintage dresses and sweaters and she flirted with practically everyone just joking around and always had a boyfriend but was just charming in every way. my whoel day would eb ruined if i couldn’t just see her or say hello once, and i thought i was just obsessed until i was like ‘wait what if she kissed me’ and BAM i knew it was a real life crush

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? im not really sure. i identified as bi/pan from freshman year to junior year i think, but then was realizing i definitely had a preference and didn’t want to be with guys in a relationship at all to be honest but even up until last summer i was really questioning if i was asexual, so its been a journey but i think i finally fully realized i am a happy happy lesbian after meeting lynn

At what age did you come out (if you have)? i was 14 when i first told my parents i was bi, 18 when i said im a lesbian 

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? just my girly friend

Talk about how your day went i worked this morning 7-11 after only sleeping 4 hours since i got hooked on ‘tipping the velvet’ the bbc miniseries, said goodbye to a friend, had school and did a presentation on how to make rosemilk bubble tea, i ate at a moomin cafe with my coworker, and now am working on homework and doing this survey and putting off my night cleaning duties eheh

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future  i just want to have a family and to have my books published, thats all i really need. a loving wife, my sister still by my side as my partner in crime, so many children, so many stories finally told that people are reading. i really want to build a lovely house for my family like my grandparents did once upon a time, with secret rooms and unique hiding places, a house they can pass down as they grow up and it can have our lineage. i want to live by the mountains and trees and water, i want to be able to speak mandarin, cantonese, korean, japanese, icelandic, italian, arabic, and polish fluently

[herbprince]

tw/// WORD VOMIT, OVERSHARING (i talked a lot using binary gender terms and am possibly experiencing internalised homophobia, also talked about porn, referred to myself as a lesbian for a sec but i caught myself, possible self-deprivation idk i hate myself) so...uhh...this is my boyfriend. he's super sweet and cares about me and he's my best friend. but, it's kinda weird for me. i've struggling with my sexuality lately so this is gonna be a like rant post but also look at my boi, isn't he cute??? i have never really genuinely had feelings for 'boys'. like it's only been sexual (meaning me secretly watching gay porn and not telling anyone about it) but like i don't think i'd marry a 'man'. those are thoughts i've had ever since i came out as lesbian. i was very adamant about being attracted to 'women'. if anyone would make a joke about me liking 'men' (like in a family situation sometimes i used to hear 'your husband is going to be so lucky to have you' or 'gay? i thought you were in love with justin bieber?' nope. ew. never a penis ever. during the two years i attended high school, i really started to get to know myself. i knew i liked 'girls' and i had also realised i'm a boy and that was like cool for a bit. eventually i was able to come out to my family and everyone's on board and i'm definitely transitioning which is all i've wanted since i was 15. realising i was a boy and getting everyone to respect pronouns really gave me a lot of confidence. i mean i still hate myself but at least i hate myself as my genuine self and not hating my genuine self but also hating my self for 'living a lie' identifying as female. i've been comfortable with my voice (still pre-t) and being seen in public without internally constantly being like 'you look like a lesbian, you inferior pig/everyone sees you as 'female' but like one of the biggest things i've noticed is that i'm more comfortable painting my nails and wearing makeup which is something i wouldn't even feel comfortable doing as a lesbian. coming out as trans has made me feel more like myself and a little more confident. but i feel a lot more comfortable with people assuming i'm a gay boy (and as of recent being a gay boy) than being an open lesbian (/closeted transkid) and having anyone be aware that im looking up cute lil twink boys. like no one would believe me if i told them i was fantasising about topping a cute twink. i would be like accused for being a straight girl and lying about it (my mum did this to me). i'm honestly just super gay and will only watch homosexual videos (idk if there's nb porn id love to see it but i also don't want nb people to become fetishised.) so after all that shpeal, here comes my point. when i was identifying as lesbian, no one could ever know i watched twink porn. like if someone like made a joke about me liking 'men' i go into defensive mode and be like 'i don't like dick. dick is fucking disgusting. what gives you the audacity to even assume that?' liking dick was something i was not about or generally interested in. but now, i couldn't confidently tell you that i don't like 'men'. i still haven't experienced any genuine feelings for cis 'men', in fact, i despise them (or like i might have a 'type' for cis guys i can tolerate.) i know i could care less about anyone's genitalia as long they keep them clean. trans 'women' are 'women' regardless of gentalia. i also know that i am very attracted to gender non conforming people and some of those individuals have penises. so it's not like i can't tolerate a penis. my problem is that my brain is also trying to justify that dating 'him' is okay because he's afab and nonbinary. but like i know none of that makes a difference because his gender identity is valid and his that i cannot change. and i know that people are gay, and trans people don't always identify as hetero (me being one of them) and there are rlly cute gay trans guys out there, but like my brain just can't apply it. like it's cool for everyone else to do that but like my brain says i'm not allowed and punishes me. i know i love him regardless of his gender or his genitals. i love him cos he's the only person who hasn't abused me (knock on wood) and he treats me like a valid human being and he's just the most wonderful boi....i just.... why is me being attracted to a boy giving me immense anxiety and crashing my brain? like why can't i just be okay with this? i'd be totally supportive of anyone else...so like why do i feel like i'm in trouble or like i'm doing something wrong? why isn't it okay for me to have a boyfriend? i literally identify as queer romantically and like am always aware that it could happen but like why do i feel this way? i've been given the amazing privelege of having a positive influence and someone who supports me in almost everything (obviously not harmful decisions) and couldn't have asked for a sweeter boyfriend. WHY WON'T MY BRAIN JUST LET ME HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WHERE I CAN LOVE THEM AND NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT? i mean i'm still immensely fearing abandonment and am terrified but i love him very dearly and would never dream of hurting him. why can't i just feel normal about this? it would make me happier if i could believe he loved me and didnt have an existential crisis thinking about him leaving. why do i make everything problematic? why can't i just be fully aware that gay is okay, transmen can be gay, trans people can date other transpeople, sexuality is fluid. also, it's not like i fully identify as male, i am very much nonbinary as well. so like idk why im freaking out about being gay when we both use he/they pronouns, cos i'm simultaneously gay with him in a nonbinary way. i just am so overwhelmed and am stuck in a very binary mindset. I GENUINELY IDENTIFY AS QUEER AND IT JUST DOESN'T SINK IN THAT I AM ALLOWED TO LIKE BOYS IF IT HAPPENS AND IT'S FRUSTRATING. - i feel like a really bad member of the lgbtqia* community. the gay community was a safehaven for me when i had no one and my brain is filled with these thoughts i would never condone. im very disappointed in myself for even being able to have thoughts like that. i feel like a terrible queer. - it's funny cos like i love him a lot and it's scrambling my brain but if i developed feelings for a cis guy i would probably lose all of my marbles cos i have a strong aversion to hetero cis males and that is something i genuinely can't imagine. if i ever did i'm sure i wouldn't be able to recognise myself. i just wouldn't feel like me. i'm very grateful for him and i hope i can get my shit together before i scare him off. - (this part is for me) **deep breath** kieran is allowed to like boys. kieran is allowed to like boys. kieran is allowed to like boys.

[halcyon-bluevista]

My Coming Out Story! Bisexual Woman to Straight Woman. LGBTQ+ Friendly (NOT A TESTIMONY)

Hi! This is my story of coming out as a straight woman from a former bisexual women. Id just like to make the disclaimer that this is not a religious testimony, it is not an attempt to convert anybody and I am an ally of the LGBTQ+ community! I intend to share my story for myself and for others who may be looking for someone in relation to themselves for it has been my personal struggle to find advice, help, and sympathy on this topic.

I grew up in a Pentecostal church, attended church every Sunday and youth groups every Wednesday. Before I left the church and denounced my faith as a Christian I was a good little baptized church girl but had not yet been exposed to the hatred and or disbelief/ nonacceptance of the LGBTQ+ community within it. As I got older, and I started to understand the themes in service and youth group sermons. They became heavier and unjustified to me. It was hard for me to listen and accept the “sin” of same sex love. 

As a little girl (11-13), I had already innocently engaged in same sex acts with my girl friends. Playing imaginary games like house (as kids do), acting as the man/husband in the relationship, kissing, touching, reenacting the things we saw our parents do. I was definitely aware of my sexual attraction at a young age but had never been aware of the skewed views the world had on gay people, so sexual feelings were just feelings to me, I didn't know what I was doing just what felt good at the time. As I got older and dating came into play for us the norm was girl/guy relationships and that is what I fell into as well.

In 9th grade my mother came out as lesbian. By this time I had already been inching my way out of the church because of my counter beliefs. It came to no surprise to me really as I had already had a hunch, turns out it took her so long to come out to me because she thought I was homophobic, and oh was she wrong. I had already had my first girl/girl sexual experience and thought I was bisexual too. My aunt, a flamboyant lesbian woman who I adore and admire had me integrated into the LGBTQ+ community since I was 7. I have always loved everyone for whoever they are and whoever they loved, it never phased me. 

Since I had such a strong sense of community and acceptance around me, I never had to go through the struggle of coming out. Most of my friends had told me I was gay even before I fully accepted it myself and my mum had always encouraged me to bring home women over men. To me it felt like it was my destiny to be Bisexual. 

My first relationship was with a man and lasted about 3.5 years, grade 9-11. After this ended I wanted to explore my sexuality more, as one should if they feel inclined. Things were quite rough for me at home and I went through a traumatizing experience (sexual assault) that left me with no friends. From here I fell into the arms of a fairy tale of woman that showed me empathy, compassion and remorse in my time of need. I thought I had fallen in love, and I did, just not in the way I now know love to be as an adult. She was so freely open with her sexuality, and opened me up to so much in the LGBTQ+ community that I still hadn't seen (being from a small town). This came to an abrupt end to me as my traumatizing experience left me with a lot of unbearable baggage. So I moved to the city.

After moving to the city things didn't get much better. Things were still rocky at home for me. I left home at 16, taking on the world for myself. Renting, working, and going to school, through this I really dove into my bisexual urges. I slept with woman and men quite equally and declared myself openly a bisexual woman with no question about it. 

Im 21 now, and finally starting to figure out my sexuality. I have been questioning the psychology behind why im attracted to men and why im attracted to women and its been a frightening and difficult journey. If I dive into why im attracted to men it makes sense in my head, love, romance, lust, marriage, instinctual, future & growth, protection, and you know all the average straight people do das. But when I question why im attracted to women it gets gray. I cant see myself romantically involved with women, or see a future with them. I would be considered what is called a “top”,  to break it down in gender role terms, the man, I wear the pants when im with women. There had to be reason to this, why dont I feel romantic feelings to these women that im so blatantly attracted to if I can feel romantic feelings towards men? 

This is what ive come to, and remember this is a personal journey, I dont expect this to make sense or reside with other bisexual woman who also dont feel romantic feelings towards woman because sexuality is different for everyone. I think being with women gave me a sense of power and control. Something I lacked a lot of in my teenage years. What I also recently realized is that I dont let women perform sexual acts to me, because I lose that sense of control, something I only feel comfortable giving away to men. On top of this I see that when I did experiment with letting women try sexual acts on me, I couldn't get into it or id lose the feeling or desire completely and I have never reached climax or came close from it. I appreciate the intrinsic value of beauty women are born with and I think many and most women are born with this ranging ability. 

With all of this in mind I have come to the conclusion that I am not really Bisexual, but rather straight. Now, coming to this conclusion has been hard for a number of reasons. 1. I couldn't find anyone online or in real life with similar experience. This really bothered me, I know its not difficult socially to be straight as thats just the norm, but since my norm is the LGBTQ+ world, it was for me. I searched and searched and searched for someone or something I could relate to but all of my finding resulted in videos or articles or people talking about, Conversion camps (YUCK), religious testimonies where people have “seen the light of gods word” and now think they have sinned in their past, or extreme left/liberal men and women telling me I am being conditioned or brainwashed from my liberation. I WAS ANGRY and felt alone. I still am and this is why im writing this, in hope that someone going through a similar scenario can find this and feel comfort in the fact that they are not alone  2. I thought I was going to lose my community. Since I had no support system or advice/help on my coming out path, I had convinced myself the LGBTQ+ community would shun me for being straight ~which I now know is ridiculous because we love people with whatever sexuality they identify with~ The LGBTQ+ community has been my home and the number one place I felt accepted regardless of my sexuality. Losing them would be like losing my family. and 3. I didn't think people would believe me. To my friends and family ive always been the one so comfortable being the bisexual I thought I was. I was scared for the comments and justification I would have to bring to the table while making this bold statement. As I built up the courage to do this though, my lovely peoples around me have proven me so wrong and I cant thank them enough for it. 

Here is what I have to say to anyone who is coming to these terms for themselves. There is no one way street, if something can happen one way it can happen another. You are not losing anything by being your true self. Dont be afraid to come to your friends and community with your questions and concerns. If people accept you you're in the right crowd and theres nothing wrong with changing your sexuality as you grow one way or the other. We need to be comfortable with our sexuality and not be influenced or conditioned into thinking one way or the other but rather discover by exploration who we truly are. You are loved and if you dont feel that way there are people out there that will love you for you. Me being one, id also like to use this as a open invitation for people to discuss everything I have said either with me ~my inbox is open~ or in the public and I encourage people with similar experiences to share their stories so we dont feel so alone!

I genuinely thank anyone who took the time to read this lengthy post as its something iv wanted to share for a while. Peace & Love.