#sadboymumbles

[herbprince]

sometimes life gets fucked up. that's why we get fucked up. i can still feel your touch. i still do those same drugs. (he/they)

[herbprince]

i hope you like the stars i stole for you, one hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue. 📷: @cymorgan3

[herbprince]

carry me away burn me down 'til there's nothing left i will scream your name with my last breath ( he/they | photo credit: @cymorgan3 )

[herbprince]

so, let's get covered in flames and play some games with the smoke. (he/they)

[herbprince]

🍇 messy purple hair dye boy 🍇 (he/they)

[herbprince]

burn me down till i'm nothing but memories. ( he/they | photo credit: @cymorgan3 )

[herbprince]

tw/// WORD VOMIT, OVERSHARING (i talked a lot using binary gender terms and am possibly experiencing internalised homophobia, also talked about porn, referred to myself as a lesbian for a sec but i caught myself, possible self-deprivation idk i hate myself) so...uhh...this is my boyfriend. he's super sweet and cares about me and he's my best friend. but, it's kinda weird for me. i've struggling with my sexuality lately so this is gonna be a like rant post but also look at my boi, isn't he cute??? i have never really genuinely had feelings for 'boys'. like it's only been sexual (meaning me secretly watching gay porn and not telling anyone about it) but like i don't think i'd marry a 'man'. those are thoughts i've had ever since i came out as lesbian. i was very adamant about being attracted to 'women'. if anyone would make a joke about me liking 'men' (like in a family situation sometimes i used to hear 'your husband is going to be so lucky to have you' or 'gay? i thought you were in love with justin bieber?' nope. ew. never a penis ever. during the two years i attended high school, i really started to get to know myself. i knew i liked 'girls' and i had also realised i'm a boy and that was like cool for a bit. eventually i was able to come out to my family and everyone's on board and i'm definitely transitioning which is all i've wanted since i was 15. realising i was a boy and getting everyone to respect pronouns really gave me a lot of confidence. i mean i still hate myself but at least i hate myself as my genuine self and not hating my genuine self but also hating my self for 'living a lie' identifying as female. i've been comfortable with my voice (still pre-t) and being seen in public without internally constantly being like 'you look like a lesbian, you inferior pig/everyone sees you as 'female' but like one of the biggest things i've noticed is that i'm more comfortable painting my nails and wearing makeup which is something i wouldn't even feel comfortable doing as a lesbian. coming out as trans has made me feel more like myself and a little more confident. but i feel a lot more comfortable with people assuming i'm a gay boy (and as of recent being a gay boy) than being an open lesbian (/closeted transkid) and having anyone be aware that im looking up cute lil twink boys. like no one would believe me if i told them i was fantasising about topping a cute twink. i would be like accused for being a straight girl and lying about it (my mum did this to me). i'm honestly just super gay and will only watch homosexual videos (idk if there's nb porn id love to see it but i also don't want nb people to become fetishised.) so after all that shpeal, here comes my point. when i was identifying as lesbian, no one could ever know i watched twink porn. like if someone like made a joke about me liking 'men' i go into defensive mode and be like 'i don't like dick. dick is fucking disgusting. what gives you the audacity to even assume that?' liking dick was something i was not about or generally interested in. but now, i couldn't confidently tell you that i don't like 'men'. i still haven't experienced any genuine feelings for cis 'men', in fact, i despise them (or like i might have a 'type' for cis guys i can tolerate.) i know i could care less about anyone's genitalia as long they keep them clean. trans 'women' are 'women' regardless of gentalia. i also know that i am very attracted to gender non conforming people and some of those individuals have penises. so it's not like i can't tolerate a penis. my problem is that my brain is also trying to justify that dating 'him' is okay because he's afab and nonbinary. but like i know none of that makes a difference because his gender identity is valid and his that i cannot change. and i know that people are gay, and trans people don't always identify as hetero (me being one of them) and there are rlly cute gay trans guys out there, but like my brain just can't apply it. like it's cool for everyone else to do that but like my brain says i'm not allowed and punishes me. i know i love him regardless of his gender or his genitals. i love him cos he's the only person who hasn't abused me (knock on wood) and he treats me like a valid human being and he's just the most wonderful boi....i just.... why is me being attracted to a boy giving me immense anxiety and crashing my brain? like why can't i just be okay with this? i'd be totally supportive of anyone else...so like why do i feel like i'm in trouble or like i'm doing something wrong? why isn't it okay for me to have a boyfriend? i literally identify as queer romantically and like am always aware that it could happen but like why do i feel this way? i've been given the amazing privelege of having a positive influence and someone who supports me in almost everything (obviously not harmful decisions) and couldn't have asked for a sweeter boyfriend. WHY WON'T MY BRAIN JUST LET ME HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WHERE I CAN LOVE THEM AND NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT? i mean i'm still immensely fearing abandonment and am terrified but i love him very dearly and would never dream of hurting him. why can't i just feel normal about this? it would make me happier if i could believe he loved me and didnt have an existential crisis thinking about him leaving. why do i make everything problematic? why can't i just be fully aware that gay is okay, transmen can be gay, trans people can date other transpeople, sexuality is fluid. also, it's not like i fully identify as male, i am very much nonbinary as well. so like idk why im freaking out about being gay when we both use he/they pronouns, cos i'm simultaneously gay with him in a nonbinary way. i just am so overwhelmed and am stuck in a very binary mindset. I GENUINELY IDENTIFY AS QUEER AND IT JUST DOESN'T SINK IN THAT I AM ALLOWED TO LIKE BOYS IF IT HAPPENS AND IT'S FRUSTRATING. - i feel like a really bad member of the lgbtqia* community. the gay community was a safehaven for me when i had no one and my brain is filled with these thoughts i would never condone. im very disappointed in myself for even being able to have thoughts like that. i feel like a terrible queer. - it's funny cos like i love him a lot and it's scrambling my brain but if i developed feelings for a cis guy i would probably lose all of my marbles cos i have a strong aversion to hetero cis males and that is something i genuinely can't imagine. if i ever did i'm sure i wouldn't be able to recognise myself. i just wouldn't feel like me. i'm very grateful for him and i hope i can get my shit together before i scare him off. - (this part is for me) **deep breath** kieran is allowed to like boys. kieran is allowed to like boys. kieran is allowed to like boys.

[herbprince]

when i look into the mirror that ain't me that's someone different. (he/they)

[herbprince]

me: i'm angry

bpd: nope yr suicidal

me: but they hurt-

bpd: nope

bpd: your fault

me: but i didn't-

bpd: kill yourself :-)

[herbprince]

i guess you’re right and i’m fucking wasted i don’t know what sense i am making [he/him]

[herbprince]

i don’t care what’s in your hair, i just wanna know what’s on your mind.

[he/him]

[herbprince]

my fp is gone temporarily and i'm dying [he/him]

[herbprince]

spent valentine's day with my fp and wasn't suicidal??? didn't feel Abandonment™??? didn't make myself throw up from anxiety??? sounds fake but better keep this memory in my mental Shrine for them cos idk what emotional permanence is,,, oh ya i rlly luv my fp...💖 [fp: they/them | me: he/they]

[herbprince]

i used to be somebody...nevermind. [he/him]

[herbprince]

broken technology

tonight i find myself thinking of the many pieces of technology i have broken and had to have replaced over the years. when i first get the device i am pleased. i almost take on a new personality. i want to take care of this. i want to keep it in good condition. but after some time passes like everything i own the device cracks, or i drop it in the water, or there's a firmware issue. i've somehow managed to damage another thing that gave me some sort of pleasure. but say the device is still somewhat usable and the device is only cracked. that crack is a reminder of what i've ruined. the crack reminds me that i myself am a damaged but still usable device. i myself have cracks, firmware issues, and the occasional liquid crisis. but i can replace my cracked phone and i can replace the screen of my laptop. but i find that no matter how much money i put towards repairing myself, i am still damaged. i am in fact broken. my firmware is bricked and my touch screen is cracked and it's time to dispose of this model. hell, geeksquad might even rip you off less if you switch to a different brand. you cannot fix me. i am the ipod touch from middle school that's missing it's screen but if you plug it into the computer itunes still recognises it. it's completely useless but if you wanna remember all the cringey shit you used to do, it's all saved in the internal storage.

[herbprince]

this isn't violence this is just a war in my head, i give it time but it never seems to end. i feel a fire in the back of my throat, so let's get covered in flames and play some games with the smoke.