#and like.. the main theme was like....... you can call the monstrous holy but it will still destroy you in the end

[dragqueenpentheus]

midnight mass spoilers: i can't get over the fact that none of them had heard of a fucking vampire. r u telling me that not a single person on that island ever watched underworld? van helsing? interview with a vampire? Fucking twilight???

I've seen a few other people get this impression but i straight up didn't??????? i just assumed everyone was talking around it for power and manipulation reasons??? like wasnt the point father paul is so blinded by his faith he can't see clearly that what turned him was evil and not an angel like .....it felt like the whole point was he knows what vampires are but he's rewriting the reality in his head because he needs for it to be god and good and holy???????

isn't the point that he is choosing to be stupid on purpose.

[yamayuandadu]

The Contendings of  History and Seth

Seth as a serpent-slayer (MET) It's safe to say that the myth of Osiris is one of the only non-Greek myths to enjoy a comparable degree of recognition in modern popculture. There are few direct adaptations, sure, but the core narrative is well known, and as a result works themed after ancient Egypt use Seth as a villain almost without fail if only the premise allows the use of fantastical elements. However, in this article I will instead examine the other side of Seth, and especially his role as a protagonist of myths in his own right, including the historical circumstances of this development. While I mostly want to introduce you to a little known but fascinating world of heroic(?) portrayals of Seth, naturally I will also cover Seth's later loss of relevance and complete vilification to explain why it survived as the dominant tradition.

Early history of Seth

Seth protecting Ra from Apep (wikimedia commons) From the dawn of recorded history Seth's status in Egyptian religion was ambivalent, and it continues to be a topic of heated debate among researchers what degree of popularity he enjoyed in particular very early on. Some aspects of Seth character, like his evident interest in both men and women and whether it reflects broader Egyptian cultural norms (or if it’s merely yet another way in which Seth was an outsider among gods and men, as the author of the first monograph dealing with Seth proposed in the 1960s) are likewise a hotly debated topic. Seth was associated with many animals, such as the hippopotamus and the crocodile, but his main symbol is the sha or “Seth animal” which is regarded as either a mystery or a fictional creation, and in Egyptian texts inhabits zones inhospitable to humans. Seth was called “the god of confusion” by Herman Te Velde (the first writer to dedicate a monograph to him) and while this opinion has been since called into question, it is undeniable that it’s hard to form a coherent image of him. In addition to various versions of the well known myth mentioned above there are other instances of combat between Seth and Horus (most likely initially a distinct myth combined with the narrative about Osiris’ death and resurrection at a later date) and of Seth as a menace to the established order. Some of the Pyramid Texts present even the human followers of Seth as enemies to be conquered (which is held by some researchers a mythical memory of strife between local kings before the unification of Egypt). . However, there are also texts where Seth is a rightful member of the Ennead; where he and Horus act in harmony as protectors of the ruler; where he assists pharaohs in their resurrection in the afterlife; and even to Seth as one of the gods responsible for returning Osiris to life. A recurring motif in texts dealing with the afterlife in particular is a description of Seth offering a ladder to the dead who can reach some destination themselves. Mentuhotep II of the XI dynasty seemingly had Seth and Hathor depicted behind his throne in art; Hatshepsut described Seth positively as well. Personal names invoking Seth are known, too; and as established by Willam Berg in his studies of a different ambivalent deity, “children are not called after spooks.” Seth's ambiguous character made him ideal to represent The Other in Egyptian culture –  the foreigners, especially these arriving from the Levant, their culture, and generally “un-Egyptian” traits. In that capacity, he functioned as an “ambassador” or “minister of foreign affairs,” to put it in modern terms. Or perhaps a foreigner in his own country, so to speak. As a result, he came to be associated with a group of deities which, while part of the official pantheon, had their origin outside Egypt.

The Ramessides and foreign gods

Generally speaking, there were two primary sources for foreign deities incorporated into Egyptian religion: Levantine trade centers like Gebal (Byblos in Lebanon) or Ugarit (Ras Shamra in Syria); and Egypt's vassal/enemy/ally/very occasional ruler Nubia (roughly corresponding to present day Sudan). Libyan influence was smaller, and to my knowledge there is no evidence of any major impact of Egypt's other trading partners (Punt, located near Horn of Africa, and Minoan Crete; the latter absorbed many Egyptian influences instead, though) or enemies (like the Hittites) on religion. The peculiar history of Seth is related to the the first of these areas. Early researchers saw the “Syrian” deities as worshiped at best by slaves or mercenaries – they didn't fit neatly into the image of Egypt presented by some royal inscriptions: an unmovable, unchanging and homogeneous country, a vision as appealing to absolute rulers in the bronze age as it was to many 19th and 20th century researchers. However, the truth was much more complex, and in fact some of the best preserved accounts of foreign cults in Egypt indicate that the process was in no small part related to the pharaohs themselves. For example Ramses II in particular was an enthusiast of Anat, as evidenced by statues he left behind:

Ramses II and Anat (wikimedia commons) He also named his daughter Bint-Anat (“daughter of Anat”) and his favorite pets and possessions bore Anat-derived names too. Not only only Ramses II himself, but the entire XIXth  dynasty – the “Ramessides” (a term also applied to the XXth dynasty) - was particularly keen on these imported deities. Curiously, one of its founders was named Seti - “man of Seth,” and Seth was seemingly the tutelary deity of his family. The well known case of Ramses II's red hair might be connected to this – this uncommon trait was associated with Seth. As a result of the Ramessides' rise to power Seth became one of the state gods in Egypt, alongside heavyweights like Amun, Ptah or Ra. However, it's also safe to say that he was popular in everyday cult among commoners, as evidenced by finds from camps for workers partaking in various construction projects.

Part of Egypt of the Ramessides at its maximal extent (in green; wikimedia commons) During the discussed period, Egypt was as the peak of its power, both military and cultural; the “other” recognized Egypt's power. Weaker states in the proximity of Egypt paid tribute, while the more distant fellow “superpowers”of the era (the Hittites and the Mitanni, rivals of Egypt in Syria and the Levant, and the more distant Kassite Babylon) bargained with Egypt for dynastic marriages, luxury goods or craftsmen. While some foreign rulers didn't necessarily get that the pharaohs might not want to play by their rules and expressed frustration with that in their letters sometimes (see a particularly funny example below), overall the relations were positive, and resulted in a lot of interchange between cultures.

(source) The incorporation of foreign deities into Egyptian pantheon was a phenomenon distinct both from the well known practice of interpretatio graeca and from the monumental Mesopotamian god lists, and foreign gods were adopted rather selectively. Some researchers propose that the incorporated deities were often chosen because their sphere of influence wasn't covered by any native god. For example, Astarte (more accurately Ashtart or Athtart, considering the Ugaritic orthography; however the Greek spelling is used in literature to refer to the Egyptian version and I'll stick to that) was associated with horses and chariot warfare. As the animal wasn't known in Egypt in the formative period of the state, it wasn't among the symbols of any local deity; at the same time chariots were a prominent component of the Egyptian military at the height of its power, and as such required a deity to be put in charge of it. Six deities of broadly “Syrian” origin are usually listed among Egyptian gods in modern scholarly literature: Anat, Astarte, Resheph, Houron, Baal (the Ugaritic weather controlling one) and Qadesh. Of these, four were pretty similar to their original versions. Qadesh is a complex case as it's uncertain if such a deity existed outside Egypt – it's possible she developed as a combination of a divine title (“the holy one”) and the general Egyptian perception of foreign religion. Some scholars in the past asserted she is simply Athirat/Asherah but this interpretation relied on the false premise of Athirat forming a trinity with Anat and Ashtart and the three of them being the only prominent goddesses in cities like Ugarit. There are also curiosities like Chaitau, a god with Egyptian name (“he who appears burning”) but attested only in sources from Levantine cities (though ones written in hieroglyphics) and in magical formulas of similar origin. Baal is the most puzzling case: simply put, it's clear Baal was introduced to Egypt. It's clear Baal was depicted in Egyptian art. It's even clear that Egyptians knew that Anat and Astarte were deities from Baal's circle back at home, and that Baal was tied to a narrative about combat with the sea. And yet, it's not easy to say where the Egyptian reception of Baal ends and where Seth starts. Baal's name was even written with the Seth animal symbol as determinative. When exactly did this identification first occur is unknown: while it would be sensible to assume the Hyksos, a Canaanite group which settled in Egypt and briefly ruled the Nile delta, are responsible, there is some evidence which might indicate this already happened before.

Baal and Seth

Baal was a natural match for Seth: Seth represented the foreigners, Baal was the most popular god of the foreign group most keen on settling in Egypt; Baal has a somewhat unruly character in myths; both rule over storms and have a pronounced warrior character. Additionally, both of them were depicted as enemies of monstrous serpents. Baal was identified with Seth in Egypt, but in turn Seth became more Baal-like too. So-called “Stela of year 400” depicts an entity labeled as Seth more similar in appearance to Baal due to the human face and Levantine, rather than Egyptian, garb:

(source) It is well known that the main myth of Baal, in Ugarit the first part of the “Baal cycle,”describes his combat with the sea, personified by the god Yam, seemingly described both as humanoid and serpentine. In Egypt, this narrative was associated with the composite Seth-Baal, and a fragmentary version is recorded in the so-called Astarte papyrus. Curiously, it was actually discovered long before the Baal cycle itself – however, it only became a subject of in depth studies in the wake of the discovery of Ugarit. There are also many similarities to the Hurrian myth “Song of the Sea,” known only from fragments, and to the Song of Hedammu from Hittite archives. While in the Ugaritic version Baal fought the personified Sea against the wishes of the head god El, in the Egyptian version the confrontation happens because the Ennead fears Yam, who threatens to flood the earth and demands tribute, much like the Hurrian Sea. Before Seth properly enters the scene, we learn about how Ptah and Renenutet, a harvest goddess, appeal to his associate Astarte (as already noted before viewed as Ptah's daughter in Egypt), hoping she'll act as a tribute bearer. Astarte is described as a fearsome warrior; however, she is not meant to fight Yam herself, but merely temporarily placate him. She seemingly strips down and brings offerings – this is, once again, closer to the Hurrian than Ugaritic version, where Shaushka, an “Ishtar type” goddess like Astarte, seduces the sea monster Hedammu in a similar way. It is not clear if Yam is interested, though - in fact he appears to question why Astarte isn’t dressed (possibly mocking what must’ve been a humiliating situation for a warrior deity, I’d assume). Eventually, Seth arrives and presumably fights Yam, likely with Astarte's help - the rest of the papyrus is too poorly preserved to decipher, but as indicated by the foreign equivalents Seth and Astarte win. This is confirmed by the Hearst Medical Papyrus, imploring Seth to expel illness from the treated person just like he vanquished the personified Sea. The Ugaritic version of the myth doesn’t include a tribute scene among surviving fragments, though it’s worth pointing out that the Ugaritic Ashtart/Astarte cheers on Baal during his battle against Yam and berates him for not acting quick enough, which is easy to interpret as hostility caused by a similar episode. Many researches assume that it existed among the lost fragments of the Baal Cycle tablets, though this is for now purely speculative. A variant of the myth of Seth and Horus - The Contendings of Horus and Seth - presents a further  curious case of Seth-Baal syncretism, this time incorporated into well established Egyptian myth rather than an imported foreign one. Seth and Horus compete for the right to rule after Osiris' death. Ra thinks Seth is the better option to nominate as a successor because Seth killed Apophis on his behalf, but a few other of the elder gods disagree and try to delay the process by insisting to ask various deities to provide their expert opinions. These generally favor Horus much to Ra's annoyance, but he can't go against them so he insults Horus (calling him "feeble and weak-limbed" and criticizing his hygiene) but doesn't stop his rise to power. The semi-humorous portrayal of Ra is rather unusual; in addition to showing annoyance with other gods, at one point he vanishes, and only agrees to return because Hathor lured him out. It seems Horus' mother Isis insults Seth in response to Ra's comments. Seth, offended, refuses to partake in the divine assembly unless Isis leaves; Ra orders that and the gods gather again without her. However, Isis disguises herself and asks Seth who should inherit first, a child or a brother who can provide for himself (and is a foreigner), to which Seth replies that the former; this was a trick, obviously, and Isis holds it as  proof that Seth forfeited his right to rule, which Ra accepts. After multiple chaotic tribulations (including the [in]famous lettuce episode as well as Horus decapitating his mother because he decides she doesn't do enough) Horus is re-declared king but Ra, implored by Ptah (otherwise absent from the myth) gives Seth two wives (eg. Anat and Astarte; this solution was suggested already earlier by the gods providing the opinion; some authors question if they are meant to be Seth’s wives or merely allies, much like the relationship between Baal, Anat and Ashtart in Ugarit is considered debatable) and the storm clouds as his new domain. He is to strike fear into hearts of men, but will also get to be treated as if he were Ra's own son. Considering the emphasis on storm and the mention of Anat and Astarte, it's pretty clear to me that Egyptians essentially invented their own Baal backstory meant to integrate the foreign tradition with their own by recasting Baal and Seth as the same entity.  The text is however unusual because of its humorous tone – the gods insult each other, act ineptly and all around hardly provide an inspiring example. Perhaps the focus on Seth made this possible. As a final note before I'll move on to times much less prosperous for Seth it's worth to mention that not only Baal but also other foreign gods were at times equated with Seth. The Libyan god Ash was conflated with him in the  western oases, while treaties with the Hittites assign the name of Seth to various members of their pantheon, including the Baal-like Tarhunna (equivalent of Hurrian Teshub) but also the sun goddess of Arinna.

Demonization of Seth

While in the late bronze age Seth greatly benefited from his role as a god of foreigners, in later periods this has proven to be his undoing. Egypt couldn't maintain its power forever, and eventually fell to the Assyrians, who showed little respect for local culture and looted Thebes. While the Assyrian domination was only temporary, it severely damaged the country, and a spiritual scapegoat was needed to reconcile the carnage with the idea that Egypt was a land chosen and protected by the gods. The change seemingly occurred under the rule of Psamtik – in a new version of the myth of Seth and Horus, Seth not only lost decisively, but also was punished afterwards, and religious texts spoke of a “rebellion”of Seth. Seth was never associated with Ashur, the head god of the Assyrians, before, but in Egyptian imagination he was blamed for bringing the invaders under “his” command to ravage and subjugate the country. A mythical text has Isis implore Ra to punish Seth for robbing temples, much like the Assyrian armies did. Even later accounts tell various tales about Seth being punished, either gruesomely (a few texts recount massacred of towns belonging to Seth) or humorously (for example in one text Thoth makes him impotent with a spell) and exiled from among gods. There's evidence that the worship of Seth, previously commonplace, came to be abhorred and depictions of Seth were destroyed or altered. A famous example is a Seth statue converted to look like Knhnum or Amun instead:

Seth no more (wikimedia commons) A late relief from Edfu, from the Ptolemaic times, seems to indicate that even Seth's role as a guardian of the solar barge was lost: Seth, depicted as a hippopotamus, was defeated by Horus from the solar barge of Re. However, while Apep is usually depicted as huge and menacing, hippo Seth is tiny and pathetic.

Seth as a tiny hippo representing the forces of chaos (wikimedia commons) Curiously, despite the official policies, which continued under Ptolemaic rule, it seems that until the 2nd century CE, Seth continued to be popular in the Dahkleh oasis, possibly even serving as the main deity there. Sadly due to lack of research I am unable to provide any more detailed information about that.

Closing remarks

Even further demonization of Seth is evident in the fact that the Greeks and Romans referred to Seth as Typhon, leaving no room for ambiguity of interpretation. As the Greek accounts of the late version of Seth were all that was known for centuries due to ability to read hieroglyphic writing vanishing with the advent of new religions, it remains dominant in media today. Perhaps it would be beneficial to leave some room for the serpent-slaying hero Seth hanging out with foreign deities in modern works, though? Surely his peculiar outsider status is even more appealing to modern readers than it was to the public of the Ramesside period.

Bibliography

N. Ayali-Darshan, The Other Version of the Story of the Storm-god’s Combat with the Sea in the Light of Egyptian, Ugaritic, and Hurro-Hittite Texts

G. Beckman, Foreigners in the Ancient Near East 

M. Dijkstra, Ishtar seduces the Sea-serpent. A New Join in the Epic of Hedammu (KUB 36, 56+95) and its meaning for the battle between Baal and Yam in Ugaritic Tradition

T. J. Lewis, ʿAthtartu’s Incantations and the Use of Divine Names as Weapons 

D. Schorsch and M. T. Wypyski,  Seth, "Figure of Mystery"         

D. T. Sugimoto (ed.), Transformation of a Goddess. Ishtar – Astarte – Aphrodite - especially the chapters ‘Athtart in Late Bronze Age Syrian Texts by M. S. Smith and Astarte in New Kingdom Egypt: Reconsideration of Her Role and Function by K. Tazawa

H. Te Velde, Seth, God of Confusion: A Study of His Role in Egyptian Mythology and Religion

P. J. Turner, Seth - a misrepresented god in the Ancient Egyptian pantheon? (PhD thesis)

C. Zivie-Coche, Foreign Deities in Egypt

[flavia8]

The Coldest Girl in Coldtown: Musings

You know when you finish a book and you cannot stop thinking about it? I am currently in that situation, with, of course, The Coldest Girl in Coldtown, by Holly Black. As such, I really wanted to mark down my thoughts. This is not a serious review or anything, it's just somewhat organized musings. I also won't spoil anything!

Plot

Personally, I thought the plot was well realized. The story beats made sense and the pacing was good! I thought it was well executed. Also, the twists are super neat. They can be figured out, but they aren't glaringly obvious and they make sense. Plus they're fun!

The world building in this book hit a sweet spot for me. It felt very natural and well integrated. The world Worked. The mechanics were well thought out. It was also just the right amount of world building. It wasn't overly complicated, nor was it explained in a way that made it seem like the author thought the readers were idiots.

Characters

Holy Hell, I really liked the main character, Tana. I, personally, could relate to her a lot and understand her thought process and why she did the things she did. She is refreshingly human. Her flaws, strengths and motivations come together nicely to create a very interesting character. She goes through some nice development, becoming more sure of herself and solidifying her convictions/figuring out who she really is.

“If she was going to die, she might as well die sarcastic.” - Holly Black

As for Gavriel, I really liked him too. His motivations were compelling and I just genuinely liked his personality. He was mysterious (I love mysterious characters. When done well, they're my favorites.) without being a cryptic asshole. He remains true to his goals/motivations and is a complete character, not just tied to Tana.

“Clever girl. You play with fire because you want to be burnt.” - Holly Black

Aiden was interesting! Though he was very flawed, I appreciated the contrast he provided to Tana. I also liked the dynamic between the three, as it was an interesting triad of characters. One Human, One Vampire and one Who was Not Quite Either.

“Be careful," Aidan called from the bed. "You don't know what he might do."

"We all know what you'd do, though, don't we?” - Holly Black

Those are the Main 3 characters, but the rest of the cast is fun as well, and most of them get decent characterization/moments. The side characters actively move the plot.

Themes

This is mainly personal thoughts, but for me, the main theme of Identity shined though with a secondary main theme of Acceptance.

“We labor under so many illusions about ourselves until we're stripped bare. Being infected, being a vampire, it's always you. Maybe it's more you than ever before. You, distilled. You, boiled down like a sauce. But it's you as you always were, deep down inside.” - Holly Black

Those were used sort of as the base/frame to explore other "sub" themes like love and morality. I don't want to say too much because obviously everyone has their own interpretation but the book really resonated with me. I thought the theme of Identity was handled very well, presented and interpreted through the duality of the monstrous (Vampires) and the Mundane (Humanity). In the book, Tana poses a question of whether becoming a vampire fundamentally changes a person, introducing a darkness, or just draws out a darkness that was already there.

“When we turn ,is there something shoved inside of us or is it more that something inside of us has been released?” - Holly Black

I personally just thought the exploration of the Identity theme really compelling.

[ebaeschnbliah]

VATICAN  CAMEOS

________________________________________________________________

‘Vatican Cameos’ is a well known phrase in Sherlock BBC. It’ s Sherlock’s secret code word to warn against some imminent life-threatening danger. The code is used three times in total: 

First by Sherlock in ASIB when he is about to open Irene’s safe where she keeps her camera phone, guarded by ‘explosives’.

Second by Sherlock in TSOT when he is about to connect the last dots regarding the Mayfly Man case, the invisible man with the invisible knife, and what this means for Major Sholto.

Third by John in TFP when he learns that Eurus is able to ‘reprogramme’ people. Sherlock doesn’t pay attention to him though. He has just played Irene’s theme on his violin and is about to touch the wall of glass which seperates him from Eurus.

The word ‘cameo’ has different meanings. It can be a piece of jewellery, like a gem or small medallion, often with a profiled head carved in stone or some other hard material. The word is also used for small literary or filmic pieces or small theatrical roles. It looks like both meanings - ‘carved in stone’ as well as ‘small guest appearance’ - could apply to the wording ‘Vatican Cameos’ in Sherlock BBC, in a metaphorical reading of the story.

TBC below the cut …

Two restaurants lit by fire and flame

At Angelo’s  ...

In the unaired PILOT/ASIP, Sherlock and John wait at Angelo’s restaurant for serial killer Hope. It’s the first time both men work together on a case. From the fireless mantlepiece right next to their candlelit table, a silent watcher observes the beginning of their relationship. It’s the bust of a pope (x x).

ANGELO: Anything on the menu, whatever you want, free. All on the house, you and your date. …  Anything on the menu, I cook it for you myself.

A pope, head of the Vatican and supreme keeper of an unrelenting belief, is present at the first ‘date’ of two men, is forced to watch silently, how they fall in love with each other … while a living, breathing ‘angel’ isn’t only ready to serve them food and drink … no, the ‘angel’ even offers to cook the meal himself for free … everything they desire. 

The ‘angel’, literally, lights the fire between Sherlock and John with the remark, that this would be much more romantic for a first date. The whole scene seems to be drenched in a yellow light.

Maybe also worth noticing ... the bust of the pope has been put on the same place at the mantlepiece as the skull in 221b. 

At the Cross Keys Inn ...

Sherlock and John have rooms at the Cross Keys Inn near Baskerville. They meet in front of the blazing fireplace after Sherlock’s first encounter with the monstrous hound in Dewer’s Hollow. A heart adorns the mantlepiece right over the flickering flames.

The owners of the Cross Keys Inn are Billy and Gary, a gay couple. They have a dog which they couldn’t bring themselves to put down. A sign with ‘vacancies’ written on it, is placed above the statue of a hound. In the pigeonholes beneath, some lovely old fashioned keys seem only to wait for their task to open doors into equally lovely rooms. Bottles of wine are placed at both sides of the keys, the hound and the sign. 

The name of the restaurant - Cross Keys - is a deliberate choice by the creators of this story (X) and it seems they really knew quite well what they were doing by choosing precisely this name. The image of two crossed keys features most prominently in the coat of arms of the Vatican, crowned by the papal tiara. This turns the Cross Keys Inn into another short ‘cameo appearance’ of the Vatican. The ‘crossed keys’ - the keys of heaven - have been given to a gay couple that provides food and drink and rooms for those, who want to fulfill those desires. 

It isn’t new that these two characters are mirrors for Sherlock and John. (Follow the dog, Part 1 by @sagestreet​ ) Their names speak for themselves as well:

Billy is short for William, like William Sherlock Scott Holmes

Gary contains the germanic element ‘ger’ meaning ‘spear’

The ‘crossed keys’ of the Vatican

The flag of the Vatican, the papal colours, are yellow and white. They mirror the colours of the keys. The silver key symbolizes the pope's earthly power and the gold one represents god's divine power. The mechanisms of the keys (the bit/beard that unlocks) is turned up towards heaven, their grips are facing downward to show that they were given into the hands of the pope by god. 

In heraldry ...

gold (Or) is mostly depicted as yellow and linked to the sun and faith, representd by the topaz (aspects linked to John and his mirrors)

silver (Argent) is mostly depicted as white and linked to the moon and purity, represented by the pearl (aspects linked to Sherlock and his mirrors)

The Vatican’s crossed keys represent the metaphorical keys of the office of Saint Peter, also known as the ‘keys of heaven’. They are the symbol of papal authority. Peter recived the keys and alongside with them, the power of binding and loosing was also commited to him.  (Sources: X X )

“I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven,”  (Matthew 16:19:)

“What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder” 

This phrase is very well known from wedding ceremonies. Marriage, also called ‘the holy matrimony’, is one of the seven sacraments in catholic church. It is a convenant by which two people establish between themselves a partnership of the whole life. And to this day, the Vatican decides which type of partnership is legal and blessed and which one is a sin and damned. A view, carved in stone and unchangeble, it seems.

Faith, Hope and Love

Those three aspects, closely related to deep emotions, are also known as the three theological virtues. In christianity they are associated with the ‘salvation resulting from the grace of god’ (x).

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.  

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13)

The three virtues - hope, faith and love - are also an important part of the rosary prayer. The first three Hail Mary’s at the beginning of the litany are dedicated to them by ending each one of the verses with … ‘and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus, …

... who increases faith in us.’

... who strengthens hope in us.’

... who ignites love in us.’

The creators of Sherlock BBC took a rather special and original way to include those three virtues and Mary’s pregnancy into their story. 

HOPE - is the name of the serial killer in ASIP, who offers two sorts of pills (chemistry), a good one and a bad one. One of his victims is the pink lady who had once been in ‘good hope’. But then her daughter Rachel was stillborn. Rachel is the code word to track down Hope. 

FAITH - is the name of the serial killer’s daughter in TLD (who’s also linked to chemistry). She appears in two different versions, both presented as mirrors for John. It turns out that in one of the two versions she is Eurus in disguise ... the ‘other one’ ... Sherlock’s long locked- up emotinal part. 

LOVE - is used in its Latin translation ‘AMO’ (I love) as code name for the person who is Mycroft’s - the brains - superior. This code word is also used by a second person, Vivian Norbury, to influence the Tiblisi hostage incident - the ultimate cause for the ‘death’ of Rosamunnd Mary and the eventual ‘birth’ of Mary Morstan, which will leads to the birth of baby Rosamund Mary.

Three different stories and yet, each one is about ‘TWO’ (even ‘I love’ appears as AMO & AMMO) and the concepts of choice, death and rebirth. All of it linked to the love story of two men.

The yellow thread

The colour yellow runs through the story told in Sherlock BBC, from the first series to the (by now) last: 

This thread starts with Sherlock’s and John’s first ‘date’ at Angelo’s. The whole scene is drenched in yellow. 

A secret code of ancient cyphers, sprayed in yellow paint, leads to the Yellow Dragon Circus. 

Golden cats and big ‘yellow’ felines - lions - roam the story. 

Yellow is the colour of the smiley face on the wall of the 221b living room. 

There’s an assassin who carries a yellow ladder and a yellow tool case with a gun in it. 

A bright yellow mask has been placed inside a box, alongside with a train, a phone, nicotin patches and a note. 

The main colour of the wedding ... so much yellow. It’s the wedding that leads Sherlock to a revolutionary revelation and to a love deduction. 

A canary trainer, a trainer of yellow birds, turns out to be the killer. 

The Norbury case from canon, known as the case of the ‘yellow face’, plays a vital role in an episode. 

The finish of a race is marked with a bright yellow band that floats slowly to the ground while a serial killer passes as winner. 

Yellow is the colour of the sun, of fire and flames. 

Yellowbeard ….

Yellow and white, gold and silver - are the colours of the Vatican. Colours that represent unchangeable tradition, stubborn persistance and inflexibility. Sherlock BBC links those colours stongly to John and Sherlock. The conductor of light, the fierce lion on the one hand and and the man in the moon, the virgin in the white sheet on the other hand.

A pope, carved in stone, is forced to witness how two men fall in love. The crossed keys of heaven are given into the hands of a loving gay couple. The christian virtues of hope, faith and love become a core element in that story of change and rebirth. What might the colour yellow stand for in Sherlock BBC? 

What if it becomes the colour of victory for a much too long forbidden love? 

Speculative addition:  nuns versus Dracula

In case Dracula BBC is somehow related to Sherlock BBC, which role might have been given to the nuns? As catholic nuns, will they turn out to be  another ‘vatican cameo’? After all, nuns do have great significance in Sherlock BBC since the beginning. There are the ‘headless nuns’ from PILOT and TSOT and furthermore, sister is just another word for nun. I’ve tried to follow the trail of those nuns/sisers in ‘The Roads we walk have demons beneath’.

Inspired by the comments on this post some time ago and the last bit by the new trailer for Dracula BBC.  I leave you to your own deductions. 

For more ‘vatican cameos’ try   A CHRISTMAS TALE

December, 2019

[thanagariansnarebeast]

Top 15 villains: Part 1

I’ve been meaning to do this list for a while, but kept getting distracted. Villains are very different for me to rank compared to the heroes; heroes I ranked based on personality and morality; but villains I’m ranking on personality, entertainment, and relationship to hero. After all, villains by nature are almost always the antagonists, and they play off of the hero; so that factor is important. Most of them see themselves as the heroes of their own story in some way, but I would definitely not call any of these characters heroic. Some of these characters have different versions of them over the decades, but I’ll talk about my favorite versions of them.

15. Ozymandias

“ My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! “  That quote does quite nicely define this character, someone who did a monstrous act to try to save the world. I have already featured him on my fallen heroes list, because for most of his life he was a hero; the terrible thing that he did was really surprising to me when I first read it; and I did feel his betrayal. He’s lonely, calm, and extremely intelligent; and you can really tell that he understands that what he did was awful. You might be thinking “Does doing one terrible thing really make you a villain?” and I would argue that yes it does. He didn’t like doing what he had to do, but he doesn’t consider it a mistake, he would do it again if he felt that he had to. Also spoiler for this list, he’s the only one that isn’t a main DC or Marvel villain, I think him being on this list for only being in one book ever really speaks to how interesting he is and how fucking good the Watchmen comic is. I refuse to read the DC Watchmen stuff, so it is possible he shows up in that; but I don’t like how DC keeps unironically using characters meant as a take down of the genre itself. (The HBO Watchmen series is fantastic though, I highly recommend).

14. Deathstroke

Deathstroke seems to be thought of by a lot of people as mainly a Batman villain, and while I think he is a great villain for Batman; I think he’s better as a Teen Titans villain. Some of the plans and tactics he uses to fight them are absolutely brutal. The Judas Contract is one of the best Titans stories, and he is the mastermind behind all of it; he really knows how to twist the knife. Some writers make him more of an anti-hero, but I think he is far better when he is using his intimidating physical prowess, cunning, and ruthless intelligence to do everything he can do destroy a hero.

13. The Anti-Monitor

“Worlds lived, worlds died. Nothing will ever be the same.“ Holy shit is this guy bad news; Thanos and Darkseid showing up is enough for you to understand that the world might be about to end; but this guy destroys entire realities. He is the big bad for one of my favorite comic book stories, and the consequences of his actions shaped the DC multiverse for decades, and his actions sill can be felt to this day. The first villain on this list that is just pure, absolute evil, he is responsible for the deaths of countless DC universes, as well as Supergirl and the Flash. DC really likes bringing dead characters back to life, building off of (and sometimes ruining) the legacy of characters, but they almost never do it with Anti-Monitor; because he’s such a cataclysmic threat that there is not a lot of stories you can even have with him. The CW did a great job with the Crisis on Infinite Earths adaptation they did, though they didn’t really make Anti-Monitor look as intimidating as I would have liked, and they didn’t make him nearly as big as he should be.

12. Kingpin

The kingpin of crime does live up to his name; not all crime in New York is his doing, but much of it is. He is a fantastic villain, and one who really seems to enjoy what he does. He’s just fun to watch and is so good as an antagonist for Daredevil and Spider-Man. His size makes him seem slow and intimidating, but his body is all muscle; and he has come close to crushing Spider-Man to death. When I was very young I was first exposed to him on the fantastic show Spider-Man: The Animated Series, and he’s been one of my favorites ever sense. Vincent D’Onofrio absolutely blew me away with his portrayal of this character in the Daredevil Netflix series, and I really hope we get to see him again in the MCU.

11. Brainiac

Another villain that is a massive threat, Brainiac has had many different incarnations in the comics, but his incredible intelligence is his defining trait. Another cold, calculating villain, he collects cities full of people because to him; they have to be preserved and studied. The idea of being shrunken down and living in an isolated world just to amuse an alien robot is a pretty scary concept. Superman is his main adversary, but many times it takes the entire Justice League (And sometimes some of the more helpful villains) to take him down. He has such a perverse logic to him that I really enjoy, and when he someday shows up in a film I really hope they do him justice.

10. Mr. Freeze

Doctor Victor Fries is one of the most sympathetic villains on this list, he really just wants to save his wife. Batman: The Animated Series wrote that origin story for him, and its stuck ever sense. There is a deep and beautiful tragedy to the character, and you completely understand why he is doing what he is doing, even if you personally wouldn’t go that far. His character makes you think “How far would I go to help the person I love most in the world?” and any villain that makes you introspective about yourself is a great character. His ice theme and very distinct look really makes it fun to see how different artists design him. He’s one of Batman’s more popular villains, and Batman has some of the best villains in comics. He makes Batman question himself and his motivations, because he doesn’t really want to hurt anyone; he just wants to survive and cure his wife, and if no one ever got in his way he would probably do exactly that. His story is a tragedy of circumstances, but his inability to go about getting what he wants in any other way, and his uncaring attitude for most other people definitely makes him a villain. 

9. Doomsday

This character really is the polar (pun intended) opposite of the last character on this list. Doomsday is a big, unstoppable killing machine; and he defeated most of the Justice League with one hand tied behind his back. He is just such a raw, brutal character that I love seeing him show up. This thing has the power to come back to life, unable to be hurt by what killed it before; and spent decades wiping out entire planets before it came to Earth. His biggest and scariest feat is literally beating Superman to death! His best story was his first one, but every time he shows up and Superman fights him, in the back of his mind he has to be thinking “This thing killed me before, and its stronger now.” which is just absolutely terrifying. His striking visual design and brutal nature are always enjoyable, and he was one of my favorite characters to play as in Injustice: Gods Among Us.

[lucarioisinthevoid]

Oh god, PLEASE DO. Henry leaned over, interested. "... I am so happy that whoever this person is, they seem to have no interest in me and my narrative purpose. If I would have been added to this, I would have probably been drained of most of my will to live." Bemused he shook his head. "... Marion should have a “hiding” form where he is but a little doll from the price corner. I am not sure why he would turn into the terrifying beast he is usually, but... huh. Perhaps he is some eldritch beast that roped Jeremy into helping him regaining his old form, gifting him powers in return." ... Henry? "Hm?" Do you watch magical girl anime? "What. NO." The man was appalled. "I simply am bored and have a vague knowledge of most tropes." Yeah, sure. We believe you. "... anyhow. I think it only makes sense that the Mike, Jeremy and Simon turn out to be the villains. It would be canonical accurate. Also, all things considering, one of them befriended an eldritch beast, one is INHABITED by an eldritch beast and one a loveless machine perfectly capable and willing to cover up crimes." ‘Canonically accurate’. Totally. But oh god, Matt and Ronaldo as guides? No sir, they stay away from this mess. They probably work with them and are their very ignorant co-workers. Except they know exactly what’s going on and refuse to care. Might go as far as to say “woooow, man these not-at-all masked heroes are the best, I sure wonder who they are.” Putting on glittery and fancy clothing is as effective as a mask in these types of anime. OH SPEAKING OFF, CONSIDER- They all still work together. All of the boys. And Ronaldo and Matt are the only ones knowing about it, but everyone else IS actually such an idiot that they don’t recognize each other as arch-enemies. That sounds pretty on-brand for these fools. Nemo is going to be a HACKERMAN. Because that is what he wishes to be at heart. Going to be the mysterious helper who sends them all emails at the same time, giving them all a big S H O O K. He’s the second’s arcs villain, as he threatens to unveil their secret identity, before switching sides when it turns out he just wants to part of the heroes. Deern is the sage librarian/professor, who helps them research ancient artifacts to UNCOVER THE PROPHECY! Meanwhile Old Sport and Dave are trying to merge the spirit world with the real one, to essentially eradicate death. Perhaps Dave even is trying to get Henry back like that. MAYBE. THE PLOT IS STILL IN DEVELOPMENT, RIGHT? Anon, you’re so welcome to hop back on and give out more ideas, I love this. Anyways, they realize vengeful spirits too, on accident, and maybe they take on the form of animals, staying with the Fnaf theme. Looking like monstrous humanoid creatures, depending on how aware they are. Hell, maybe Marion was a gatekeeper. Or maybe he is lying because he doesn’t want to go back. We will never know. OR WILL WE? WILL I WRITE A WAY TOO LONG FANFICTION FOR THIS TOO!?? HMMMMM? Anyways, Mike is color coded blue and uses fire powers, which makes him subject to endless ridicule from Old Sport. Phone Guy is in red and probably uses sound as his weapon. I think that fits him well! And Jeremy might use light! To make himself invisible, but also to distract/blind the enemy. Visual illusions! Old Sport uses electricity, in all his orange glory. Going to have a GREAT time! Dave though is probably a straight up necromancer, able to not only summon the spirits to help them fight and powering them up, but also partially transform in one (Guess which animal for he has. Guess.) However, that comes at the price of him temporarily losing his mind if he goes too far/takes in too much damage without stopping. Supremely powerful, but OS worries about him. The past part is probably though their interaction during battles. Dave is going to be rather upset while Mike throws around his fire spirals. “DUDE. YOU’RE DESTROYIN’ SOMEONE’S HOUSE. PROPERTY DAMAGE, BUDDY, GEEZ, WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO YOU? THERE COULD BE CHILDREN IN THERE!” “OH SHUT UP, I HAVE ANGER ISSUES!” Dave dodges another beam of fire. “EVER TRIED THERAPY FOR THAT ONE!?” “THERAPY IS FOR PUSSIES!” “NO, IT GENUINELY IS HELPFUL!” Jeremy chimes in. “I know I don’t a-agree often with Dave, but he’s right, you know-?” “YOU’RE A TRAITOR JEREMY! A FUCKING TRAITOR!” Phone Guy goes out of battle stance to rub his dial. “LANGUAGE Mike. CHILDREN ARE WATCHING!” “FUCK THE CHILDREN!” Old Sport going to zap him. “JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE FUCKED UP, DUDE! LIKE GENUINELY, THAT’S AN EVIL THING TO SAY. I MEAN, I AGREE, WHO CARES ABOUT KIDS DYING, BUT STILL, THAT’S OUR STICK!” “W-why is everyone screaming?” Jeremy cries. “BECAUSE WE’RE AT LIKE 60 FEET OVER THE GROUND AND THE WIND IS LOUD AS SHIT. PLUS ATTACKS MAKE NOISE YOU KNOW?” “F-fair enough…” The Orange Guy pulls the focus back on the fight. “ANYWAYS, I GOTTA DESTROY A HOUSE NOW. BECAUSE OF YOU, MIKE. BECAUSE YOU DID IT FIRST AND I CAN’T LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT YOU’RE MORE EVIL THAN ME. A HOUSE WILL BE DESTROYED, A FAMILY WILL GO HOMELESS, ALL BECAUSE YOU CAN’T AIM OR TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.” “WHAT THE FUCK, DON’T DO THAT!” Ah yes. The first Magical Girl show rated M. Oh wait, I almost forgot Madoka Magica exi- Wait. WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S RATED 13+ DIDN’T EVERYONE SAY IT’S SUPER- You know what, forget it. THIS ANIME IS GOING TO BE RATED E FOR EVERYONE! EVERYONE DESERVES TO LEARN MORE SWEAR WORDS! >Okay, spoilers now for that Madoka Anime, because I read a bit up on it and have FEELINGS.

Speaking of it, a downright Madoka Magica style AU would be fun too! Dave and Old Sport as transformed witches, due to their personal issues, Mike, Phoney and Jeremy on their way there and Henry as a cute lil kitty-cat- “I swear to everything that is holy, that all that awaits you in your future is PAIN.” You WOULD take a cute little form to trick everyone. “… well, I suppose, but I despise the genre. I would not wish to participate in it.” Not even to prevent the heat death of the universe? “… fine, yes I would. But please, can you not be ORIGINAL? Cheap rip offs make for empty stories. Not to mention, you never even consumed the series, how are you supposed to pick up on the reasons for the appeal it had? You will butcher it.” … I butchered DSAF and had a pretty fun run with it. Also, it makes a lot of sense! Consider. Marion is your oldest victim. First trying to kill the main group, to prevent them to become like him. He fully has shed his human form in his onsetting insanity. Old Sport, Dave and the spirits also lose more and more features, growing colorful colors and gain more and more resistances to damage. And now let’s look at our boys. They too lost features, Mike turning grey, both Simon and Jeremy actually lacking a face. It would flow pretty nicely! Also, and seeing as I’m a pushover, I wouldn’t mind to make the effects of it reversible- “… and allow the universe to perish due to the heat death?” … fuck. Henry the immortal catboy makes lovely boys suffer and is justified in doing so. AGAIN. We will never escape this cycle, will we? “Never call me that again.” Yeah, honestly I feel a lot of shame for calling you justified. It won’t happen again. “I wish to be gone from this world.” Congratulation! You are already gone from any and all worlds! I’m glad you’re happy now! The poor Pink Guy smashed his head on the table, causing his lizard to climb on him instantly. At least that was something nobody could take from him.

[saintheartwing]

Fallout is the Bomb

I can't believe I've only brushed over this series before. There was a whole, beautiful, irradiated world to explore within its boundaries that I never knew of! Lemme explain. Fallout is, well, post-apocalyptic. That alone had me worried. I'm not a big fan of the post-apocalyptic setting because of how it essentially gets so misanthropic, and assumes everyone turns into the kinda scumbags you'd see in "Violence Jack". The good news is that Fallout actually has a sort of "out". You see, in all of the series...well, most of it, anyway...you play as a Vault Dweller, someone who was sealed away along with others in big, social experiments set up by the government before a great war between China and the USA over resources that ended in nuclear fire. The Vaults have everything you'd need to survive for decades, even centuries! But not for all of them. You need to leave your Vault eventually, either to get a much needed Water Chip that will ensure your people can survive, or to find the "Garden of Eden Creation Kit", or you're forced to leave because the head of your Vault is a big fat jerk, or you leave because your SON has left the vault long before you while you were essentially frozen in suspended animation, and you've gotta track them down. In New Vegas, it's different, but I'll get to that later. Fallout 1 and 2 introduced the factions that basically dominate the universe. The Brotherhood of Steel, who sealed themselves away and hoard technology, hoping to someday come back up and revive the best of mankind in better days. The Super Mutants, mutated humans infected by a virus made by a lunatic who thought that as long as there were differences of ANY kind in humans, we'd keep tearing each other apart. Hence, why not make a race where everyone looks and sounds basically the same, AND is super strong, AND can easily withstand the radiation-filled wastes that fill America? There's the Enclave, the remnants of the previous government, heads of corporations, the rich and powerful, who helped MAKE the Vaults, and who basically think any life that's out on the Earth at the moment isn't really human because their DNA isn't like the "old world" humans anymore. Even if it just means people just have an extra toe or the like, they think you're a subhuman mutant as bad as the two-headed, skinless cows that now walk around. There's Ghouls, people who are heavily bombed to s--t, their skin burned off, looking like they've been flayed alive and yet linger on, some who are very intelligent and still retain their personality, others who are feral and twisted and evil. And then there's the NCR, the New California Republic, founded by war heroes and remnants of the army who are trying to sort of rebuild America or at least, what it stood for, out primarily on the West Coast. Their leadership's too concerned with bureaucracy and the amount of red tape and incompetence can be a real issue, but you can clearly tell most of them, the soldiers included, are just trying to stick together and do as much good with as many people as possible. In the first two games, it's a sort of isometric perspective. In the third, it switched to a sort of first person shooter mechanic, and the series has kept it like that, with RPG elements throughout. You have "perks", abilities like being able to carry a ton more, being able to avoid fighting with wild animals because they all like you, having a random, mysterious, gun-toting stranger randomly pop up to help...and you can choose how you want your character to look and act, like in most open world games. Now, which one is the best? I'm not sure for everyone, but for me? New Vegas is the best blend of old school and new. You play a courier who's lived out in the Wasteland. It was your job to deliver a "Platinum Chip" to Las Vegas or, as it's now called, New Vegas. But you got caught by some fancy dressed mobsters, shot and left for dead. It didn't stick. Now you wanna find that Chip, find out WHY it's so important, who the hell killed you, and maybe...or rather, most LIKELY...get revenge. There's a problem, though. For one, you don't know where the mobsters went. And you've got to contend with raiders, the NCR who aren't sure if they can trust you, wild mutated animals, and everything in between. AND...a new, Roman-themed faction that's raping and pillaging every town they find, selling the women into slavery and following a mad lunatic named Caesar. And I do mean Roman-themed, they wear Roman armor, have centurions, the whole shebang. The Legion's boss, Caesar, actually gives a damning condemnation of Democracy in the game. After all, it was Democracy and electing the idiots that were in the govt that cared more about the Red Scare than people having fresh water to drink that led to the war. Might makes right. The good news is you can play someone who's both good and bad, someone who's a blend. There's not merely morality, but "reputation". You can have a good reputation with the Brotherood, but be HATED by the NCR. Or idolized by the NCR and despised by the Legion. If you're smart enough, or charming enough, or have the right perks, you can talk your way out of almost anything, or, if you've the skill, blow the beejbus outta anyone you want with a ROCKET LAUNCHER! HAHAHAHA! KIBBLES AND BITS! It's fun watching baddies explode. And there's a lot of funny moments too. Take, for example, a subquest at the Atomic Wrangler, as you try to earn money to gain access to New Vegas, for you need 2000 bottle caps to get in, and that means you need to either sell a lot of highly valuable stuff...which you probably don't have...or you've gotta get dirty and do things like be a pimp for a whorehouse. Which I had to. The boss says we need a ghoul cowboy, a charming older lover, and a sexbot. Then when you tell him you've got the sexbot, he's all giddy like a schoolkid, making it abundantly clear the sexbot was for HIM. Which he tries in vain to pretend isn't true. And of course, the guy who shot you has a talking droid. Because of course he does. His name is Yes Man. When you tell Yes Man you're the Courier his boss shot? Yes Man: Hahaha! I know that's not true, because you still have a head!

Courier: I'm serious. 

Yes Man: Hahaha! That's... not funny... you getting shot in the head. I really shouldn't have taken so much pride in how I set that up, huh? ... I feel really bad right now. Yes Man has a lot of great lines. Oh, and did I mention Elvis Impersonators run a good chunk of the Strip? Because of COURSE they do. Of COURSE they do. Guess what they have to say about their HQ? "Near as I can tell, it was some sort of religious institution. Oh, I know it says "school" out front, but everything in here seems to be related to the worship of some guy from back in the day. People used to come here to learn about him, to dress like him, to move like him. To BE him. If that's not worship, I don't know what is." Hey, if you're gonna imitate ANYBODY, why NOT the King? And yes, in Camp Searchlight...deep breaths... THERE IS...a set of HOLY HAND GRENADES in the Church.  The sign just reads, "Pull pin and count to 3." And the grenades will make a bigger boom when you count to 3. Don't believe me? Look for yourself!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tZUFKe-uYw&feature=youtu.be It's too beautiful for words.  ^_^

hbomberguy on Youtube did a really good analysis of the themes of Fallout. And as he said, “FO1's villain is 'the future', represented by mutations, evolution, technology and so on. The Master embodies this by being a mutated machine-man. The old world is gone, and the future is coming to get you.

FO2's villain is 'the past', in the sense that the largest threat to the world is the stuff that destroyed it the first time. People are trying to move on, inventing new money, but the real threat is that we haven't changed enough, and are still doomed to destroy each other. Hence the theme of newly-invented drugs, money troubles and so on. You're chasing an artifact of the past to survive, but that past killed the world. How much of the past is it good to dig up? The Enclave dream of a return to the prelapsarian america that already had its chance and got blown up.

Horrigan (the main villain) embodies this. He 'is' the ideology of the past, personified. He wants to kill you because mutants must die, and you must be a mutant because he's been ordered to kill you. Symbolically we're seeing that humans have a thirst for purity, and this thirst is itself our greatest flaw. You also HAVE to kill him with violence. It's not possible to talk him down, and the real challenge is how you deal with that fact. It's a nice final twist. Your first proper conversation allows you to claim you believe peace is always possible - and the last one is a counterpoint, saying - but the other person has to be willing to try this too.

The game criticisms mankind's inner violence, but then points out that to escape this, violence becomes necessary - it just has to be used differently from before. Being able to recruit some Enclave soldiers AGAINST the main Enclave soldier is a fun moment. The military industrial complex is bad but can be wielded against itself.All FO's main villains and central characters are rendered 'faceless' by masks or armor or mutations, because they represent something prevalent in humanity itself, more so than any one person. it makes them larger than life, like you're battling a concept. The Master is a monstrous creature-machine, Horrigan is always behind a mask, as is Lanius, and the burned man and Ulysses are similar too. This is one reason why making the villain of 3 just 'some guy in a jacket' really annoys me. Make me contend with the faceless monster that is the darkness in man. Don't make me shoot some southern-talkin' dude.Even then, I can see that being a really cool twist on the formula. But it's so badly done. Poor Autumn.”

Indeed. The main “villains” of New Vegas are sort of “faceless” and represent greater concepts. Mr. House is, in many ways, a refusal to let go of the past. He wants all of Las Vegas to be like his snowglobes: perfectly pristine and preserved under a glass bubble, unchanging. Caesar’s idea,, the LEGION’S idea of the “future” is a take from the past as well, a sick, dark past, the ROMAN heritage, embracing the past’s more cruel elements in the name of a greater organization and unity. Sort of similar to the Master’s Unity, but this time not coming from looking to the future, but to the past. The NCR is the present, and they are, in a way, a problem as well, something to contend with. Because people are suffering here and NOW, and they’re stretched so thin and so tied up with red tape that people slip through the cracks easily, or they just use outright violence instead of better, smarter solutions. They can’t see ahead properly, and aren’t learning from the mistakes of the past. Cassandra Moore, in particular, is a good example: every solution she has involves killing someone or a group of people. She refuses to open up to the idea of diplomacy. She’s as closeminded and narrowminded as the idiots who helped cause the bombs to fall to begin with. By only seeing other factions as enemies and never considering they could be allies or friends, or dealt with more kindly, you close yourself off to better, more moral, or smarter solutions.

The Brotherhood of Steel are similar: they want to preserve the elements of the Past, but they can’t see that their refusal to really help those in the present is dooming them. They’re well-meaning, they CARE, but...they’re wrong. They’ll just die out if they just stay inside their bunkers. They need to take a more active role in the world outside.

So what I'm saying is...play Fallout: New Vegas when you get the chance. Check out the Fallout series. There's a lot to love in there that might surprise you. I know it surprised ME.

[i-need-you-means-i-love-you]

The Longest Post I’ve Made On Here

Destiel is is such an intriguing and complex relationship because it is always changing. Both the characters go through so much person growth and development, it’s impossible for the relationship to stay the same. Their roles to each other, to their family, to the rest of the world is always changing.

For example: in the very beginning Castiel was this astounding, majestic figure that Dean couldn’t help being astonished by, even if he tried to downplay it. He may not be an archangel, or a god, but when he first appears, he does so as the show’s first resemblance of something divine and holy. A whole new level of power. He brings with him the idea of Heaven, of a God, of creatures who supposedly didn’t even exist until Cas arrived and changed everything Dean thought he knew. This was before Cas had Fallen, or been cast out by Heaven, or had lost his powers for any amount of time, so to Dean he might as well have been invincible.

As we know, this brought a lot of sexual tension to the relationship.

The attraction definitely started as physical, on both sides. This continued for many, many seasons.

But they start to form an emotional connection as well, a “profound bond” as Cas elegantly puts it. Cas starts to open up to Dean, accidentally-or-maybe-not revealing that he’s not as heartless and robotic as the other angels. This helps Dean see Cas as more like a human, like an equal.

Than we have 5x04: “The End”. One of the greatest milestones of Destiel. In this episode, Dean finally realizes how much Cas means to him, which is when we get this expression:

Zachariah’s purpose of sending Dean into the (destroyed) future is to show him how awful the world will be if Lucifer isn’t defeated, and the message hits home- hard, and Endverse!Cas is what hits Dean the hardest. The relationship is still at the point where Dean still sort of revels Cas, holds him up on a pedestal as a representation of all things powerful and glorious. Then he goes into the future and sees this angel, this creature he has held so highly in mind, shattered- addicted to pills, having sex for no reason, so broken by his own failure that he can’t even bear being sober- and all because he stayed by Dean. Because he refuses to leave Dean. He see Castiel fall the furthest from himself, and that’s what breaks him. Which is why he’s nearly crying when he comes back to find present Cas and where this quote comes in:

But of course he changes. How could he not? Because as awesome as Castiel is with his powers and his wings and his blades, he still has a lot to learn. He can still be stuck-up and dangerously stubborn and short-tempered. It’s the little human moments of Cas we love the most, the ones that come more and more often as he spends time away from Heaven and with the Winchester family.

But the thing about humans- they’re broken. They feel too many types of pain. They hide themselves behind anger or humor or both. They lie to their loved ones. They’re haunted by their pasts. They also care more about each other than they do themselves- to an extent that can be both irrational and dangerous. Cas is witness to this plenty of times when he sees what Sam and Dean will do for each other.

So it does make sense that in Season 6 he turns away from the humans for a while.

He goes back to Heaven to fight their civil war. Remember, he’s a soldier, first and foremost. He actually was quite a legendary leader before... well, before Dean. But he has his duties. His is at the service of Heaven. That leads him away from Dean- and everyone else- both physically and emotionally. And of course Dean notices the changes.

And Cas is unhappy with Dean too. The other angels (and other creatures) are already mocking him for being the “Winchesters’ pet” and it doesn’t help that they call him at the most inconvenient times, with no regard for his schedule and responsibilities. He is at war; in his mind, his job is a lot more important than whatever trouble the boys have gotten themselves into so far.

And his war is important. The Winchesters aren’t the only important figure sin his life; he does have some close friends among the angels. And they are dying. Remember, he’s not just a footsoldier; he’s also a leader. Every death he sees as his fault. His need for the war to end rises to desperation. The Winchesters were the ones who taught him desperate times call for desperate measures. Turning to the dark side for the sake of helping “the greater good” is a very human thing to do, and working with Crowley probably never would’ve crossed his mind if he hadn’t been introduced to the human way of problem-solving.

Not that he particularly enjoys working with Crowley.

And he knows it’s wrong.

And Dean knows it’s wrong (even though he’s worked with Crowley too) but he tries to deny it to the very last second, bristling at Bobby and Sams’ accusations, reacting with hurt instead of outrage when he learns the truth.

And Cas almost breaks- almost. Because he remembers what he and Dean were. But not quite. Instead he tries to warp it around and blame Dean for his actions.

A very human action- twisting a situation so someone else is to blame, so you don’t have to face your own horrible mistake. But when Dean forcefully tells him, “No, I was there. Where were you?” he realizes he can’t get out this easy.

This isn’t the first Destiel fight, but it was the first one that really cut a whole out of my heart. That image Dean had been trying to keep of Cas- holding on so desperately to this picture of grace and beauty- had crumbled. He realized Cas was no more pure or right than a human- than him- and that was terrifying. Enough to drive a titanium wedge between them for the rest of the season.

This is also the first time we see of Castiel that he really sinks to this level of raw desperation- something the Winchesters have dealt with countless times. The contrast between how he deals with it and how the brothers deal with it is amazing. The main theme of the show is family, and how family will always be your backbone even in the worst of disasters- but since Cas turns away from his family, deliberately isolates them, he remains unstable and deranged.

By the time he takes in the power of the souls and Leviathan in Purgatory, he’s barely holding himself together- his mind is so fragile that the souls of all the monstrous, hideous, voracious creatures in the most shameful pits of the afterlife turn him into a monster as well, and also the perfect doorway for the Leviathan.

So then we flash forward a bit- let’s see, the Winchesters and Bobby are fighting the Leviathan, Sam is continually suffering from his hallucinations and shredded soul, Bobby is shot and becomes a ghost.... and Cas is supposed to be dead.

Cas, the one who betrayed them, manipulated them, worked against them, threatened to kill them, killed hundreds of others, devastated Heaven, let the Leviathans into the world, is supposed to be dead... and Dean isn’t ready to accept that. How do we know this?

Easy: the trenchcoat. When the trenchcoat washes up on the shore of the lake Leviathan!Cas disappeared into, supposedly never seen again, Dean picks it up and takes it with him. And apparently keeps it in the trunk of his car. This might not be a big deal if he hadn’t been switching cars all year to avoid detection- literally a different car every episode- meaning every time he got a new rental, or hotwired a new model, he would open the trunk of the first car, dig the coat out because you know he’d stuff it somewhere where he wouldn’t have to look at it, and carry it to the next car. Every week or so for almost a year. And when he gives it to Cas (who was Emmanuel two minutes ago) we know why he kept the trenchcoat for so long: he was waiting for Cas to come back. Because in his heart he could never accept that Cas was gone, even though their relationship had basically been shredded by the last time they’d seen each other. When Dean returns the trenchcoat, he’s saying: “I forgive you. You were evil and a monster and you lied to me and betrayed me and I hate you but I forgive you because I love you.”

We never really find out what could’ve stemmed from that, though, because their relationship is sort of interrupted with the surfacing of Crazy!Cas.

....

Since this was a crazy long post I’m going to split this into 2, maybe 3 parts. Stay tuned if you’ve managed to read through my entire ramble!

[forthegothicheroine]

Kamigami No Asobi recap, episode 1: Ticking Clock to Ragnarok

What’s more capital-R Romantic than a plucky maiden being romanced by otherworldly deities of questionable morality and common sense?  That’s my logic for recapping this anime on my blog, anyway.  We’re going to watch an extremely overworked Japanese high school girl deal with romantic entanglements involving gods from several different pantheons, but first let’s establish a few things.

I read a lot about Greek mythology as a teenager, but my friends who are actual classics students probably know these stories better than I do.  I know a little about Norse mythology, mostly stories that show up in operas or children’s books.  I know a smattering about Egyptian mythology, mostly about Isis (who does not appear in this show.)  I know almost nothing about Japanese mythology, so episodes focusing on that pantheon will have me dashing to wikipedia.

Also, there will be a few regular features in these recaps.

Ragnarok Clock: How close, as of this episode, are we to ragnarok?  This will be illustrated with that doomsday clock from Watchmen, altered appropriately.

(The snake is Jormungandr.)

Where is Odin?  Odin and Ra are the big, glaring omissions in this cast.  I don’t pretend to be able to fathom Ra’s actions, but I will take a guess each episode at what Odin is doing while his family is having high school anime drama.

Team ___: Look, it’s a reverse harem anime, I’m going to pick teams.  These teams will change with my whims.  Tough.

Does Thoth push Yui up against a wall?  Trust me, it’s going to be a thing.

Now, on with the show!

Aaannndd...it’s ragnarok time!  That was fast!  Beautiful men in silly outfits are ripping apart the sky as the world ends around them and a girl begs them not to fight.  We don’t yet know who any of these people are, but there’s a nubile blonde man flexing so hard his shirt and pants pop off!  If that doesn’t say classical mythology to you, I don’t know what does.  Our heroine is not particularly phased by this flexing, as she would really rather the world not end.

FLASHBACK!  Or, since this is the rest of the series, maybe I should have labeled that opening scene FLASHFORWARD?  I don’t know.

It’s time to formally meet Yui, a young purple-haired shrine maiden who will be our protagonist.  If I can be serious for a moment, I really think the fact that she’s a shrine maiden is what holds this show together.  The gods are important to her everyday life; sure, she’d be surprised to meet them in the flesh, but it wouldn’t existentially destroy everything she thought she knew about the world.  

Yui is endearing in the way reverse harem protagonists often are: she’s a sweet girl who is nowhere NEAR prepared for the amount of bullshit that’s about to be dumped on her lap.  We feel for her because really, no high school student should have to deal with this.

She’s busy practicing her swordsmanship for an upcoming ceremony, which makes her late for school.  (Again, I empathize with her here- that sounds way better than school.)  At school, everyone is talking about their futures, which is immaterial because RAGNAROK IS COMING!  REPENT!  Ahem.  Yui cries without understanding why, though I believe it’s because she’s realized she’s the protagonist and shit is about to get wacky for the rest of her life.

Yui barely has time to get home and reflect on not knowing what she wants to do with her life when the plot attacks!  Color turns negative, a mysterious voice calls her name, and the shed out back starts to glow!  The source of the glow appears to be a magical sword, but there should be a caution label on it, since touching it may lead to you being struck by lightening and transported to Narnia.

Which is exactly what happens to poor Yui.

Okay, it isn’t actually Narnia.  (Although maybe it is?  Lion Jesus and the Greek gods seem to cohabitate there peacefully, so I guess it’s in the same spirit?)  Anyway, it’s a big fancy mansion/university with tweeting birds and glorious architecture, and Yui awakens there on the floor.  The magic sword has shrunk to a convenient pendent, there for when she finally awakens as a magical girl.  Presumably.

Yui takes this all in stride, calmly wondering if she’s travelled in time.  Hey, it could happen.  The whole place is eerily empty except for one tall drink of goth...

Hades!  He’s my personal pick for most attractive of the gods, although you can’t convince me that Hades, a man who lives underground and never comes out, would take such good care of his flowing locks.  He laments that Yui is so unfortunate as to have been caught up in this cruel game, because kidnapping girls is only okay when he’s the one doing it.

Actually, I’m not sure if Persephone exists in the world of this show or not, but more on that later.  The arrival of Hades is heralded by blooming poppies.

Yui is quite rightly stunned by his mopey good looks, but Hades warns her not to come near him for it will only bring her misery.  She is admirably unimpressed by this statement, but gets distracted by a cute rabbit.  (A girl after my own heart.)  The rabbit leads her to a classroom with a lilac-haired pretty boy whose arrival is heralded by blooming irises.  He is...

...Tsukito, god of the moon!  The lilac ponytail may seem a bit much now, but trust me, once you’ve met the rest of the gods he will look positively conservative.  He’s more reasonable and easier to talk to than Hades, but also doesn’t know what’s going on.  But there’s no time to get acquainted, because our conversation is interrupted by...

...Takeru, god of the sea!  It may not look that bad in this picture, but holy frick does this hair piss me off when it’s onscreen.  He looks like green Naruto!  I am automatically set against him, and it will take a good deal to win me over with this handicap.  His special flower is...um...I don’t know, I’ve seen these flowers before but I have no idea of their name.  They’re blue with white stripes.  Anyway, he’s our token tsundere, so that’s another strike against him.

Thoroughly annoyed by this asshole, Yui continues exploring and discovers, once and for all, that she’s in a giant building on a magical world with floating islands and flying horses.  All of this is a lot to take in at once, so she runs down the stairs and immediately bumps into...

...Loki.  Let me get this out of the way, since it’s what I’ll be thinking the whole show long: WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS HAIR?  The black nail polish is a respectable tradition (I’m wearing it right now), but that hair is inexcusable.  That hair is a blight upon the concept of divinity.  That hair is one of Loki’s monstrous children, right alongside Hel.  In fact, Hel is probably glad she got the skull face instead of that hair.

That said, hair that bad is totally in-character.  He gets pink and white chrysanthemums for his introductory flower.

Loki is interested in two things- invading Yui’s personal space and tracking down his blonde friend.  These two things will continue to be his main interests throughout the show.

Loki doesn’t find said blonde yet, but Yui does.  He’s a regular Disney prince, chilling out with friendly woodland animals attracted by his purity of heart.  He is, of course...

...Balder!  Balder is very cute, even though he looks exactly like Legolas.  Looking like Legolas isn’t a bad thing, anyway.  He gets a bunch of introductory lillies, and is the only person so far who is actually nice to Yui.  Unfortunately, he has incurable clumsiness, the weakness usually given to female love interests.  Fortunately, he cannot be hurt by any of his many trips and falls, because everything in the world made a vow not to hurt him.

Almost everything.  Tick tock goes the ragnarok clock...

This clumsiness results in him falling on top of Yui and knocking them both into a bed of flowers.  Unlike if this had happened with literally any of the other characters, I genuinely believe Balder did not do that on purpose.  They tell each other that they have beautiful eyes and it’s all very romantic because Balder is actually capable of being attracted to a person without becoming correspondingly hostile.  (Take note, half the rest of the cast.)  

One of the people who should take note is Loki, who runs onto the scene to fly into a jealous rage over Balder touching anyone else.  We’ll get into the Balder/Yui/Loki dynamic in future episodes- it’s more complicated than a simple love triangle- but here we see Loki having a snit, one of the show’s major themes.  It’s hard to be very scared of his snits, though, since he has mostly short hair with two long bits on the side and a skinny braid in the back.  Seriously, what is with his hair?

But we’ve got bigger gods to worry about!  That voice and accompanying color-negative are back, and she has to track their source.  And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man you’ve all been waiting to see.  Possessor of the best hair on the show (in that it’s both flattering and character-appropriate), the king of heaven himself, it’s time to meet...

...Zeus!  Now I know what you’re afraid of, because I was afraid of it too.  Don’t worry- Zeus has no predatory intentions towards Yui aside from kidnapping her.  He’s much more interested in using her presense to torment the other gods while he sits back and cackles.

While she comes to know and befriend most of the other gods and call them -san, Zeus stays -sama throughout the show.  You’d BETTER call Zeus -sama.  He is not a love interest, and so gets no flowers.

And he has a horrible terrifying child form he sometimes turns into for no reason.  I will not inflict it upon you, because unlike Zeus, I am merciful.  Seriously, it’s like a horrible creepy doll with reflective gold eyes.  Brrrr.

Zeus’ ostensible purpose in kidnapping a bunch of gods and a teenage girl and forcing them all to go to high school for his amusement is that the gods are growing too remote from their worshippers, and need to personally experience and learn about humanity.  This doesn’t sound like the kind of thing Zeus would give a shit about, so I assume the real purpose was something like “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if I forced Hades to go through puberty again?”  Yui is there to help make the gods into better people.  I guess it’s kind of like the plot of Small Gods, but with less turtles.

Yui is still not terribly pleased about having been kidnapped, and accuses Zeus of being tyrannical.  Which...yes.  Yes he is.  Tyrant is a Greek word.  If Zeus decides you’re going to be in a reverse-harem anime, there’s really not much you can do about it.  As Yui storms out we get a quick glimpse of our other resident hot dad Thoth, but he’s still in shadows both literally and figuratively.

As she collapses on the ground outside in fear, Yui is approached by another blonde- a friendly, preppy, incessantly cheerful lad who is introduced with a burst of sunflowers.  Surprise surprise, he’s...

...Apollo!  (The show calls him Apollon, but I refuse.)  Apollo is going to annoy me in future episodes by giving everyone irritating nicknames, but he doesn’t do anything annoying in this episode so I’ll go easy on him.  Unlike all the other gods, he’s delighted to be here, trusting that his father knows best.  (Whether he actually does or not remains to be seen.)  Apollo goes into full gallant flirt mode, sparkling at Yui as he kisses her hand and pulling her in for a full-on kiss.

Zero to I’m-your-boyfriend-now, that’s our Apollo.

With the episode over, it’s time to check in!

Ragnarok Clock

Where is Odin?  During this episode, Odin is wandering the halls and enjoying the peace and quiet that comes from Loki and Thor not being there.

Team ___: Team Balder.  Birds flock around him to sing!

Does Thoth push Yui up against a wall?  No.  Takeru pushes her up against a desk, though.

[theadventuresoflazerbeast-blog]

Welcome to the Maze - the battle for my future

WELL just when you thought this blog was straight up dead, banana slamma to your face and it’s back. Over the last 90 days i’ve had honestly not a ton of things I wanted to write about or share super publicly. My big brother Richard (not actual brother, ugh, okay so tired of explaining - let’s just call him an uncle) pointed out to me that I really only seem to write about positive experiences. I thought about this and realized, yeah I completely avoid writing about some of the harder things or stuff I struggle with, so if you are reading this blog there have been struggles throughout this whole story, I just want to put that disclaimer up so you aren’t thinking holy shit this guy is just non-stop having great times (a common symptom of social media). 

Back to the story. I thought the preparation for the VISA was going to be an exciting action montage, a short burst of activity and then back to focusing on other important things like my music. But it turned out to be more of an emotional roller coaster. As a result, I felt zero motivation to write, and so the dust started to collect on this blog. 

*dusts blog off with a pipe of the finest halfling’s leaf

Where I last left off my readers, I was on the plane to Ireland to jump through my first VISA hoop of successfully resetting my VISA to being a ‘tourist’ - entitling me 90 more days in Berlin to apply for a longer stay VISA. I stayed with my cousin Brian and his roommate Derek for the following week where I worked on some marketing for my track ‘i c e c r e a m’ which I just released. Other than that, I bided my time (over some shenanigans with my cousin, no doubt), spent very little money, and waited for my return flight to head home.

PROLOGUE

Upon landing back in Berlin, I nervously approached the customs booth. The official opened my passport, looked for a fraction of a second, and then stamped the entry into my passport.

And in that very moment it was as if the sound of the stamp reverberated in my mind... fading away to the gentle - but sustained - clicking of a clock. I now have 90 days to figure how I can stay longer. It was the beginning of a gradual stress that would only continue to grow eventually becoming a monstrous load as time accelerated closer to the 90th day.

The following weeks were covered in the deep Berlin darkness that accompanies winter here, even longer periods of darkness than Edmonton or Calgary back in Canada (albeit by a few minutes). The days are filled with a grey hue, only to be amplified by many grey buildings. In those days filled with night, I researched over and over again what was required for the artist/freelancer VISA. I met with multiple friends who had successfully obtained an artist or freelance VISA. I heard stories that encouraged my efforts and I heard stories that took my hope away. In the worst period of this time, I went from absolute depression and hopelessness of staying here to feeling like it was all going to work, and then back again - multiple times a day. I got sick for the first time in Berlin as a result, as my body tried to keep pace with the constant surges of neuro-chemicals associated with the emotional swings. I’m sure you are wondering, why such swings? In part it was because the entire VISA application and requirements were so poorly articulated (especially around health insurance) that I feel they intended you to have to go and meet others with the VISA to understand what to do. But it wasn’t just that. I was having my own form of crisis of what I was doing with my life. And it wasn’t happening at the best of times.

I share this now because I want people to understand the other side of chasing a dream. That it is not just all high fives and sunshine. Of course most people understand this, that there will be hard times in any adventure. But I am talking about really hard times, times that make you question the journey entirely. I left a career in chemical engineering where I had a very financially stable life. I was relatively wealthy with money, but poor in time. And so I made the decision to leave that life, for something completely different. With no expectations of how it would turn out, I pushed my boat from the shore and showed up in Berlin one snowy day in January. Fast forwarding to the future, I began to wonder about if I had expectations about me going home. An internal conflict set out inside of me - like a house of parliament debating the merits of a contentious bill - two sides taking turns to shout their opinions at the other side. So with this internal power struggle waging war in my mind and my heart, I continued to research more and more, and work on music as well. And time flew by. But as the day of the appointment approached, I stopped working on the VISA completely. I understand it now looking back - it was a coping mechanism because the whole process sometimes elicited just such painful struggles deep down that it was much easier to procrastinate. Eventually I got around to working on it with about 2 weeks remaining. And once I began to work on the VISA again, I had some troubling realizations. BUT before we get into those, let me break down for the less VISA-savvy people out there what the timeline looked like for the VISA itself.

Break down of the VISA timeline:

I booked my appointment in early January for the next available appointment, which was March 22nd (2.5 months later). The appointment is ALL in German, so I required someone FLUENT in German because my German would not be able to stand up to a native German speakers speed in a formal government appointment.

I was currently staying as a tourist, meaning I do not have a VISA, and as such was only allowed to stay in Germany (and the EU) for 90 days. On April 10th, if I did not have a valid VISA I would have to leave the EU for at least 6 months before being able to return

What happens if I did not get the VISA? Well, the VISA agent would tell me there are deficiencies with my application and write me a specific letter detailing all of the deficiencies which would have to be remedied before I could get my VISA

Since no appointments would be available before April 10th, i’d have a few options.

Refresh the VISA website page and look for a cancellation to appear (I know one person who this worked for, that’s it). Low chance of success.

Show up at the office every morning and hope to get in to see an agent during an empty slot (like a lottery).

The problem with this option is that I required someone who could speak fluent German for the appointment. Since I wouldn’t be able to predict when I would get an appointment, it would be incredibly hard to get someone who could come with me very early in the morning and wait for hours just on the hope of getting an appointment.

Now that we got that out of the way, what was the troubling realization? Upon my research I realized health insurance was the key for the VISA, and with German health insurance for freelancers costing 250 euros/month, I realized I had a second problem - I needed to not only get the VISA, but also get the VISA affordable health insurance (essentially travel insurance which is technically not allowed by the VISA office). If there were problems in the first appointment, it would be a coin toss if I could fix the issues and get another appointment before i’d have to leave. If I failed, I would have to go back to Canada - an option which I had not yet entertained at all in my mind on what I would do if that were to happen. I couldn’t just slam dunk the ball on the first try, I had to shatter the backboard on my first attempt.

Welcome to the Maze - the battle for my future

So as I began to logically break down the problem of the VISA, I realized the main issue was the health insurance - everything else was not really hard to solve. But for some reason I found the most inconsistencies between successful applications on the health insurance. I just couldn’t get my head around it, I knew some people with very cheap health insurance, and others with more expensive health insurance. The discrepancy between them I won’t publicly state, but it was the difference between me being able to live here and not being able to. After hours spent googling, reading, talking and meeting with people I felt no closer to the answer, and I knew I couldn’t just buy the most expensive health insurance as it would put an intense financial pressure on my ability to stay here. So did I just gamble with a cheaper travel insurance and hope for the best in the appointment? Well, if you know me - I could not logically handle the ‘throw caution to the wind on the most important appointment of your life’ approach. I had to figure this out, there HAD to be a clear logical resolution behind why some people got through with cheaper health insurance and others did not. The question was simple:

How can two people with near identical applications get their applications approved with such drastically different health insurances?

And then I had a thought while staring at the ceiling of our apartment exhausted by my own thoughts. As my eyes darted furtively around the ceiling as my memory kicked into overdrive, I exhaled, this is going to be a long shot.

Chapter 1: The mysterious insurance man and the secrets of the universe

When I was working on my first VISA application back in Canada in 2015, I also had a bunch of questions about the health insurance requirements (note: there is a theme here with the German government being incredibly vague about health insurance requirements for foreigners). After doing a lot of research, I somehow stumbled across the email address for a health insurance agent located in Berlin. Since there was no help from my own consulate, I decided to ask him a bunch of my questions. I framed my questions to get the maximum amount of information while coming off that I may buy their insurance products (which I probably wouldn’t). I waited a day after sending my email and surprisingly he got back to me right away. Upon reading the email, I felt like for the first time someone had given me a straight answer on the ambiguous subject. But something struck me as odd - this guy didn’t seem to care if I bought his insurance products or not, as he continued to divulge information on cheaper alternatives and more resources. He was so tremendously helpful that my brain filed the experience away as something to remember.

I brought up the email. August 8th, 2015. Well it has been a wee bit of time since we last spoke...So I breathed in, and wrote the best email I could while acknowledging it had been close to 2 years since our last communication. The email I wrote was part therapeutic as I very concisely wrote my frustrations with the German VISA office’s inability to be CLEAR about health insurance requirements for an artist VISA. Lo and behold, he responded - and not just responded - he agreed with me. I smiled, and as my eyes scanned through the email, they stumbled across something which made my eyes open wide. Like mysteries of the universe being whispered in your ear by some fifth dimensional being, I read some secret truths of the German VISA office that began to explain the inconsistencies. Apparently the VISA office used to take travel insurance as an acceptable means of health insurance for artists, but a new supervisor had taken over the office last May and demanded all artist’s required German public health insurance (which made the artist VISA process near impossible). So this must be why some people got by with travel insurance I thought to myself. It was just a matter of timing. The best part? This supervisor had since realized the error in their ways, and had quietly rescinded this requirement. But something still didn’t make sense. I know people who had their health insurance rejected in the period where this was supposed to be all remedied. He then told me the ultimate tip - The key for the VISA office (if you applied with travel insurance as an artist) was that you had to convince them you planned to join the KSK - a social insurance program for artists in Germany. This was because the KSK is public German health insurance, where you make social contributions as you normally would. The reason that this is accepted as a temporary means is because the KSK is notoriously hard to join now as an artist (as they discount your otherwise impossibly expensive health insurance significantly). It was only a few lines of text, but it gave me a new rush of hope.

Chapter 2: The real action montage

The appointment was on a Tuesday morning, and in the week leading up to it I started getting crazy migraines. I was struck down for the count and was out of service completely for three days. The constant stress was starting to finally get to me. Not just because of the VISA appointment, also in part to having a premier show with a new hip hop music collective the Saturday before the appointment. I won’t get into all of that though mainly because this post is already giant and I can only write so much haha *lazy.

The following days I spent preparing for the appointment. I made sure to do everything to maximum German effect. My binder? Made in Germany. All of my papers? Translated to German. You want 3 letters of potential work? How about 5. As it started to come together, it felt similar to putting together an art project. The final product was a thick binder of paper, clearly accessible labels, and in the order of which the requirements appeared on the VISA checklist form (which is two pages).

Chapter 3: Journey to the VISA office

We woke up at 4:30 a.m. Dina was coming with me to the appointment as my translator and support. The appointment was at 7:00 a.m. and we quickly were prepared to set out. It was going to take us nearly an hour to get there as it was on the outskirts of Berlin.

Upon getting to the nearest train station, I began to wonder why the hell a government office would be right beside what seemed to be a bunch of steam boilers. So...is the VISA office inside of a factory?

We walked along the path following other people holding some scrunched up papers. If that is their application, my 100% authentic binder will crush with German precision.

On the way we walked along this giant industrial facility, a strange head nod to my past life in Canada.

We arrived 30 minutes early, because the appointment clearly states any lateness will not be tolerated, and is grounds to have your appointment immediately cancelled. A line was starting to form at the door of the VISA office. I even saw some people filling out paper work frantically beforehand, whom I definitely felt bad for.

Standing in the line I couldn’t help but laugh. There was a very strange plant in a window outside of the door that had an uncanny resemblance of someone giving you the middle finger. As if it was giving you the warm-up for your appointment.

Chapter 4: Final boss battle - the VISA appointment

None of the following could be photographed as all phones have to be off inside the office so I used memes instead.

I can still meme though. If you don’t get it, go see the new Dr. Strange (homework)

The door opened and Dina and I spilled into the entrance alongside about 50 other people. People rushed up the stairs and we followed. At the top we were confronted with three long hallways, each with meeting room signs. All the people went down one hallway where we followed. I sat down in the meeting room but Dina wasn’t sure and asked the security guard if we were in the right place. As she asked, I saw a poster on the wall dictating this was only for a list of about 23 Asian countries. Dina rushed back and told me we were in the wrong room and we rushed off to the right place where Canada was on the poster of countries accepted here. It was stressful. But in the moments that she rushed between security guards (where I would have surely missed my appointment by waiting in the wrong room) I realized how insanely lucky I was to have Dina. Over the past three months she is pretty much the only reason I was able to stay in Berlin. There was way too much pressure (and too many unknowns) that I would have likely buckled under the stress and have returned home. But Dina became a new reason for me to stick it out, and because of that I realized there is so much I still have left to do here. And in the most critical hour, she was there - at times carrying my burden more than me, ensuring that the everything was right. Finally after many re-directs we got to the right place.

As we sat down we stared at a white screen which was going to show our reservation number. In this giant waiting room, there were about three of us. The other 30 people were lining up for one office which must be where they triage the people trying to get an appointment desperately without a reservation. 6:59….7:00 a.m.

Ding ding ding, three reservation numbers appear. None of them are mine. 7:03 a.m., two more appointments appear. Again, not mine, and at this point we start to get nervous. At around 7:08 a.m. Dina ask the security guy if this was normal, he said it happens SOMETIMES - but since the reservation says if you are late at all you can be denied, we were worried. FINALLY my appointment showed up. Here we go.

If you have seen the Matrix (movie), I liken this scene to when Neo meets the Architect (or Colonel Sanders) in the giant white room filled with televisions. We sit down. The room is quiet, as if I can hear the dust settling. I notice a radio in the corner playing some German pop song. The whole interior feels strangely like a kindergarten classroom, as if an attempt to make you feel at ease. A German lady in her 50s with white hair sits in front of us, looking at me like Why are you here? I tell her in German I am there for a freelance artist VISA application. She nods and asks me for the first paper she needs. Dina was incredibly nervous at this point, trying to be ready to intercept any immediate German requests to me and then back to the German appointment lady. Things go well. She asks me for paper A, I give her paper A. It goes on for a few minutes, and then she asks for my letters of potential work offers. I give them to her, with one being in English. Most of the VISA applications I saw had a lot of their stuff in English so I thought this was ok. She shakes her head, “Kein English”. She spoke zero English, which made me incredibly happy that I thought to translate almost everything into German, and also incredibly thankful that Dina spent an evening doing it. She ended up discarding that paper and not even taking it. First challenge complete.

And then came the defining moment. The health insurance. Sometimes in life a small moment can carry such heavy significance that most people seem to overlook it. But not me. I take these moments and stretch them out in my mind. This moment I lived in for what felt like hours. As we handed the health insurance she glanced up and down the paper and then looked up, slightly agitated. “This is...this is….travel insurance???” With a sense of disbelief on her face, as if I just brought her an entire salmon smothered in whip cream and slapped her with it. Dina’s eyes widened and she looked at me. The older woman stared into my eyes, almost challenging. I stared back, my German heritage and birthright bubbling up through my conscious. Bring it on.

In that moment I was transported to an old western setting, a standoff. As we took our 10 paces away from each other and slowly turned around, Dina (dressed in an old western style dress) screams out to stop the fighting. It’s hopeless. This is our fate, our dance of death - and only one cowboy gets out of this one alive.

As I turned around drawing my pistol, so did the VISA agent, simultaneously. But I was quicker. I had trained for this exact moment, without knowing it would come. Those two lines of text in the email from the health insurance agent were my golden bullets. And just as our fingers pressed the triggers, I whispered, “I’m planning to join the KSK.”

BANG.

I’m back at the VISA appointment, our duel had existed in the moment between our intense stares. My gaze remained fixated on hers as finally her eyes looked back down at the travel insurance. And as if I just remembered the elvish word for ‘friend’, a door opened out of seemingly nowhere.

“Ok, I need your passport”.

I put the pistol back in it’s holster and say some very ironic quote that only B movies would execute well. She motioned for us to go wait in the waiting room outside with no further directions. We went outside, and as we waited those long 20 minutes I bit my tongue. I couldn’t talk about the duel that just happened, as maybe I misunderstood it. Deep down though, I knew what just had happened - but I couldn’t fathom admitting it until I knew for sure. Dina, obviously stressed by the exchange started talking to me in whispers about what fantastic events were happening in Berlin as their only TV displayed easter egg painting events for toddlers, free pie at the nearby senior’s home on Saturday, etc... Finally my appointment showed up again.

We sat down, and she handed me back my passport, making sure to turn to the page that showed a 2 year VISA, all the while with the same apathetic look that a dental hygienist gives to you while waiting for your credit card payment to be processed (after drilling your face for an hour with a microdrill). We took the VISA and were given a few more instructions on where to pay the fee (40 euros).

And with that, I had my VISA. And with every celebratory step I took, my legs became heavier, and my body began to shut down. The following 3 days I had a seriously bad cold/flu, as my body was liberated from all of the stresses of the last 90 days. I made it.

Literally the only welcoming sign at the Ausländerbehörde at the front of the building. Strangely feels like they are trolling you because, well, the small text should read ‘Welcome to Berlin pending your VISA application’.

EPILOGUE

As the sun began to set on my last major focus of getting the VISA, a new dawn was surely to come. There were going to be many new challenges in the year to come. I was still chasing an impossible dream with my music. Where it goes from here, there is no way to tell. But with the recent success of my music, I remain hopeful. It truly is a test of perseverance and endurance, and failure really will only be defined by if I give up or not. Otherwise it is all part of the climb. 

With the VISA finally off my shoulders, I can now truly begin with my new plans for my music. In a way, everything up until now has prepared me for this moment. I have the skills and knowledge to make music I enjoy, and also how to market it. I have a network of other music producers and potential opportunities. Yes, indeed it is a time to rejoice at the potential excitement the future may bring. But, there is something that has bothered me for a long time now. I miss my family. I miss my friends. One year cannot replace relationships fostered over a life time, and as such, finally feel ready to come home. I have never been away for such a period of time, and as such, have privately struggled with this severely over the last few months. I really cannot understate how hard it can be when you are away from home for so long. So I have an announcement.

*motions to his pet monkey playing the drums* Drum roll please.

June 15th I am coming back to Canada for one month (until July 15th). During this period I am going to be doing the grandest tour of all time, visiting as many people as possible. I will make stops in Edmonton & Calgary & up north (for my family). Most of my time will be spent in Calgary though.

I really never thought I would be in this specific point of time when I first left Canada to come here, and feel incredibly fortunate to be in the position. I still retain that I feel like this is a story being written by someone else, and am still very much intrigued to see where it ends. Trust me, I really think things are just getting started (my life’s developments have now outpaced my ability to write about them). To you the reader, thank you so much for reading. If this is the first time, feel free to read past posts that document the pretty epic journey that berlin has been so far. If you are a regular reader of my irregular blog, well, thank you <3

Thanks for reading.

Gaelan