#and like what else am i supposed to do. not use the streaming service my parents pay for and instead risk fucking viruses

[p-redux]

You know, I am stunned at the lack of logic and critical thinking in this fandom. It’s like those with extreme opinions have such strong confirmation bias that they can’t get out of their own way. When I read some of these posts on lots of different blogs, I am struck at the logical questions that are never truly answered- well except by ad hominem attacks and logical fallacies and extensive conspiracy theories.

1. Wouldn’t a TV show that’s not on a well-known and popular streaming service love the PR they’d get if their costars were actually in love and in a real life relationship? What value does the production company gain by keeping them hidden for almost 10 years? I can’t logically see that it would bring more profits. So we’re supposed to love a loyal, brave, committed, and family-oriented Jamie, but we need a single, sexy Sam to sell the show?? Cognitive dissonance anyone?

2. Now that it’s well established that Sam and Caitriona essentially ARE Outlander and are EPs, wouldn’t they have the power to say no more if this “ narrative” was true? If they quit, there’s no OL. Couldn’t they refuse to film anything else if they aren’t allowed to tell the truth (if it’s hidden)? It’s interesting that Ron and Terri are married, Maril and Matt have twins together, but S and C were forbidden to be together? I would think that could be a legitimate lawsuit. Didn’t they renegotiate new contracts since the first season?

3. Do people actually believe that Sam and Caitriona are good people, philanthropic people, hard working entrepreneurial people, wonderful human beings but at the same time think that either of them would actually lie about their own children? With Sam’s childhood, people honestly think he would deny his kids AND be away from them for months? That they both would lie and deceive us about her father’s funeral?

4. So it’s been 10 years and NOT ONE person associated with either of them has publicly and clearly stated, with no doubts or other possible connotations, that they are really together? No costars? No personal friends? No teacher of their kids? No hospital personnel where the kids were born? No extras on OL? No crew members- even those that have been gone long enough that any NDA they signed about the production would have expired? No hotel staff where they may have traveled with their kids? No former “fake gfs” who might be pissed? No friends of “ fake gfs” that want to defend their friend and set the record straight? Not one person who has been associated with OL who might just think this is harmful to children? No photos of them with kids in public- clear photos, not reflections or someone in the background that we cannot clearly identify? Not videos where we cannot tell who is actually there? Wouldn’t someone somewhere have gotten a photo of them together as a family? In ten years? Have you P, seen evidence that I haven’t? I have seen nothing but reflections, blurry images, unidentifiable people in the background. Am I missing something?

5. About their chemistry- they aren’t the only actors I have ever seen that have great chemistry but no real romantic relationship. There are lots of them. It’s like people don’t know what actors actually do. So much of chemistry in acting between actors is about trust and respect for the work. Even some of the best chemistry has been between actors who didn’t really like each other in real life, but were able to use their chemistry and their talent to create characters we believed loved each other.

6. Lastly, I can’t wrap my brain around liking and respecting these two actors for their work and for their real lives, while claiming every day they are lying to me.

People see what they want to see or what they need to see to support their position.

Occam’s Razor tells me that the simplest explanation is often the best one.

Hopefully when OL finally ends, these two will get some peace.

Now, watch the “but what about ______? “start.

Bless you Anon for summarizing everything I and countless other SANE fans have been saying in the Outlander fandom for the last 9 years. The thing is...some Extreme Shippers continue to ship for a few reasons. I put them in these categories:

1. OG shippers who have invested SO many YEARS in their SamCait fantasy ship. They want to "save face." It's embarrassing to acknowledge that you were fed and believed a LIE for so long. Their egos can't handle it, so they'd rather double down, and find a way to pretzel their brains around things that are obvious facts to the rest of us. They don't want to feel like they "lost." So, they just keep on denying the TRUTH and the mountains of evidence showing that Sam and Cait are not a couple in real life. The alternative is too painful to them. It's been too much time, too much energy, too much of themselves invested in the ship, and they are missing something in their real lives. The ship fills that void.

2. New fans to Outlander who have recently discovered it. They've gone down the rabbit hole of shipper Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter X accounts and they haven't climbed their way out yet to blogs like mine, and other Non-Shippers.

3. The Fake Shippers who pretend to be shippers to MAKE MONEY off those still clinging on to the life boats. There are still bloggers and shipper groups who know they have a captive audience in shippers holding out hope that some of what the original shipper leaders sold them might actually be true. These fake shippers manipulate gifs, pictures, videos, SHOW shippers what they WANT to see. They keep them hanging on with podcasts, magazine, subscriptions. They sell them trips to Scotland, conventions t-shirts, mugs, daily "proof" that Sam and Cait secretly live together with their 5 bairns. And because con artists are experts at conning people, they make everything believable...and some poor souls buy what they're selling. Literally BUY 💵 what they're selling. Sadly, this fandom is filled with a lot of retired women with disposable income, who are lonely or disillusioned with their own lives. And they are easy pickings for the money hungry fake shippers.

So, in summary, the reason there are still some SamCait Shippers is a combination of fake shippers SELLING them the fantasy AND women needing to STILL hold onto the fantasy. With a few actually mentally unwell women thrown in here and there, who have diagnosable mental health issues.

It's actually quite sad. If only they had gotten off the ship with the rest of us years ago, they could have been enjoying celebrating REAL love. Instead, they're on a constantly rocky ship that causes them disappointment more often than not. Here, on terra firma, no one needs Dramamine. It's lovely. Because it's REAL. 💞

[noa-de-cajou]

Day 15 : Family visits / Effortlessly loving you

Abel belongs to @thal-ent (happy one year anniversary Thalou <33)

_____

“Judicaël, we’re back.”

I rise slowly from my bed at the sound of Abel’s voice.

It’s been three weeks since what we like to call Judi’s Second Biggest Mistake, or The Mistake for short. I picked the name myself.

I wish I could say everything just went back to normal but it really didn't. Everyone forced me to take a huge break from everything, the business trips, social media, public speaking, Valéry told me he'd hire a communication team (“it was long overdue, Judi”) and that he’d take care of the rest. We kind of made up, with Val. I was scared it was out of pity, but he reassured me. We talked for a long time. Basically, I've been a huge asshole to him, he was a dick to me, we’re even. I’m glad we’re still friends.

Since then, it's been ups and downs. Baihya, Bertie and Dodo have been watching over me like mother hens. Abel’s here too. He was only supposed to book the guest room for a week, but then he just started sleeping on a mattress next to my bed. Well, if you can call that sleeping. He spends his nights watching over me.

I scared the shit out of him. Out of everyone.

A lot of people come by to say hi and I have all the time in the world to talk to them now. Lan Yue, Michiru, Emerens, Altaïr… Even Hibiki came and she was crying. I never saw her cry before, like ever. Benedikt was there too, it felt like a whole ass fever dream.

But yeah, everyone has been really good to me. And I'm not really there yet but I think I'm getting better. It’s still hard to get up. It’s hard to face the guilt and the thoughts when I can’t work myself to the bone. But overall, it’s been alright.

They never leave me alone in the building alone, though. Feels kind of infantilizing, but I can’t blame them.

Dodo and Abel went to get groceries, which lasted about an hour.

It’s weird because I never heard of groceries barking before.

The next moment, the door of my room bursts open and something just latches onto me. Something with a lot of fur and a smell I’d recognize anywhere.

“... Marsha?”

Happy bark. Dear god. It is him.

I squeeze him tightly, but I have no idea what the fuck is happening. What is my service dog doing here? My mom’s supposed to be taking of him.

“Surprise,” Abel says softly.

He's standing in the doorway with Dodo, who’s looking very pleased with herself. Those bastards. Those sweet, adorable bastards.

“How did you guys…”

“Well, the three of us thought Marsha’s presence was much needed.”

Three?

Wait.

My eyes widen.

“Shut up. You didn't.”

“Yes we did.”

“You didn’t.”

“Yes they did,” someone else chimes in.

She walks in, her hair in a bun, greyer than the last time I saw her, she looks exhausted too, her eyebags are huge behind her glasses, but she smiles at me.

“Hi, honey.”

My mom. Those crazy bitches brought my mom here. She walks up to me and takes me in her arms as tears stream down my face.

“I’m sorry I couldn't come in earlier. You know, with work, and the tickets…”

“It's fine,” I say, and voice cracks. “I’m glad you’re here, I really am.”

Dad would have never showed up like this. Not like I really want him to.

I look at Abel and Dodo past my mom's shoulder.

“You fuckers. I love you so much.”

“We love you too,” Dodo sneers.

My mom pulls away from me after a few minutes, puts her hands on her hips.

“We’ll talk more later, honey. Theodosia, where’s the kitchen?”

“Uh, I can show you if you’d like, but Blanche, you should really rest-”

“No, I feel just fine, I slept for the whole flight! I need to get my hands on something. And to cook up something nice for my son and his friends!”

And she saunters away, followed by Dodo mumbling well, now at least we know where Judi gets that energy from.

Abel remains standing in the doorway. I look at him, he looks at me. We don’t say anything. We don't need to. He closes the door and walks up to me.

He attempts to sit on the bed.

Attempts, because Marsha just straight up latches onto him, getting a little surprised “ah” out of him as he tumbles over. I try to stop Marsha, forgetting that I literally cannot walk, fall on top of the both of them, and boom, here we are on the floor. Poor Abel is stuck beneath both me and my dog enthusiastically licking his face. What a life.

“... Ow. You okay?”

“Yeah,” he replies. “You?”

God, he looks so tired. He’s probably feeling worse than he lets on. Marsha doesn't just jump on people for no reason.

“I’m okay. I’m… feeling great, actually. And uh. Sorry for the contact. I can't get up.”

“I know. I don’t mind if it's you.”

I’m gonna cry again if he keeps this shit up. He’s not even being sweet, he’s just being sincere. Which is sweet.

“... Thanks. For this. My mom. I needed that.”

“I know.”

“Yeah. You always know, don’t you?”

“No. Not always.”

I can easily guess what he means.

He was taken by surprise last month. But he couldn’t have known. I hid from everyone just how bad things got. Even from myself.

“I’m sorry, Abel. I really am.”

“And I already told you I’m not mad at you.”

“You could be, you know. I wouldn’t blame you.”

“Judicaël.”

He slowly pats my head.

“I'm just glad you made it.”

“Yeah… Me too, you know.”

A silence. I break it once more, raising my face a little.

“I’m glad to have you. I'm glad you’re here.”

I know I'm not easy to love, but he makes me feel like I am.

We went through horrendous times, I did him dirty more than once, but he’s still here. I guess I must be worth it.

He doesn't reply at first. Just wraps an arm around me. The one that's not being squished by my dog.

“I’m glad you’re still here too,” he says, his voice so low I'm scared it’s just going to disappear.

We stay like this. In silence. I don’t say it, because I don’t want to overwhelm him, but I just know.

If I needed a single reason to stay, he’d be the first.

[crmsnmth-journal]

5/6/2024 11:00 PM

I always seem to forget how boring things get when I'm not at work all the time. Every year I find myself looking forward to when the hours drop so I don't have to work as much, and then after the first week or two, Mondays and Tuesdays just drag. It doesn't help that I live in the middle of the woods, and I do not drive. I can't. I get really anxious and nervous behind the wheel. I've even had panic attacks. Even at sixteen I wasn't all that excited to get a liscense. I didn't care, and I still don't. But not driving means you can't go anywhere, and there's only so many laps I can make around the property before the actual beauty of the woods gets to be just the same ol', same ol'. That bothers me. In principle and in theory. I don't like losing the kind of wonder being out in the woods still brings me. But when you know every step of your forest, it starts to seem stale. All that means is, I need to cross the river and hike that side. And eventually, that grows stale as well, but by then work will be back to more hours. And hell, I may not even still be at the Alley. I mean, my goal was to find something else by the summer's end. I've got extra time to look and redo my resume and get a linkedin like a professional adult. I'm not going to find a new job by just wondering around. The days of that are long long gone. I won't say I miss filling out application after application. Auto-fill is an awesome tool.

I did fix my hair today. It'd been awhile since I touched up the bleached side and the black side. At least an inch of new hair's been added, and I don't really like that muddy look. I did mess up today though and did the bleaching and the black dye at the same time. I got the bleach in it's half, and then did the black on the other. A few specks of black ended up on the bleach side and put a bluish silver streak through it. Total accident, but I kind of really dig how it looks. Retouching up stuff like this always puts me in a better mood. I used to do different colors with the black, but I started doing white and black last November and it's just kind of stuck. It's not my all time favorite that I've ever done with my hair, but it's the most me I've felt from my hair coloring. And I'll take that as a win, because half the time, I don't even know who I am, let alone how I'm supposed to feel.

Now, I've got The Munsters on because, why wouldn't I? It's one of the major reasons I made a Peacock TV account. That, WWE stuff cause I will forever be a wrestling kid, Old SNL from when I was a kid and thought it was the funniest show on Earth, and to be honest, Peacocks Horror selection is not something to scoff at. Hsving Cannibal Holocaust alone is worth the price of admission. And all four Toxic Avenger movies? I'd love the rest of the Troma catalouge, and their are plenty of them on it. I'm going to stop now, because I feel like I'm peddling for a streaming service, and that makes me feel very conflicted.

I'll write for a while, or at least until my meds make spelling and grammar a thing of the past. I don't have a lot of phrases to work with today, but at least I can get a couple squeezed out me, I think. No matter what, at least one that I started about ten minutes after I woke up. I think I've got that one pretty well figured our and arranged.

[akorah]

Thank you to @millennialgrandma for the tag 😘

Three Ships: I'm basically Team Hermione + [insert man], but Theomione is where I've landed for the time being. If this lasts as long as my Dramione phase, I'll still being writing Theomione in 2040. Beyond HP, Will/Tessa from Shadowhunters (look, I love Jem as much as the next girl, but idiots-to-lovers is my vibe), and Lucie/Jesse from the same. I hate that Cassie Clare has actually managed to create canon ships that I love. Like, what am I supposed to do now? The fanfiction is already written.

First Ship: Kiara and Kovu from Lion King 2, 100%. About 4 years after that, I read HP for the first time--before OotP was published, mind you--and was immediately Dramione trash (back when we called it DMHG because portmanteaus weren't a thing yet).

Last Song: I've been listening to the same 4 songs for the last week and a half. Currently playing: "W.I.T.C.H." by Devon Cole.

Last Movie: Uhhhhh....according to my Letterboxd, it was Saved!, which, phenomenal movie.

Currently Reading: I'm halfway through a bunch of books right now. I finally listened to Keeping House While Drowning by K.C. Davis last night. I've got the Riyria Chronicles checked out on Libby, so that's my current priority. After that will probably be finishing Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow since I promised @they-call-me-megs I was going to read it months ago. ... And then I have a stack of Olivie Blake books, because she publishes faster than I can read.

Currently Watching: Nothing. I'm not really a movie/tv person, tbh, and the whole Netflix password sharing BS has soured me on using streaming services in general.

Last Thing I Wrote: Fiction-wise, I think it was Ascent, which was last July. I just posted the second chapter of Silencio, but that had been sitting in my Google Docs for two years. Since last August, I've mostly written papers for university (graduated in December) and a lot of emails for work.

Currently Writing: Working on a Marauder-era/Lightning-era parallel timeline time-travel fic that's been kicking my ass for about two years. I've written about 200k for it, and about 30k of that is actually making it into the story.

Tagging: @saveourskinship @they-call-me-megs @sherylholmes, and anyone else who feels compelled to overshare on the internet ❤️

[jeanjauthor]

There are so many good ones in this list...

Grabbing the exact number in a handful is unbelievably useful, especially if you're going into construction (nails, screws, nuts, bolts), food service (even portions of food, presuming this works when you wear one of those food handling gloves), or pharmacy work (filling prescription orders).

Knowing exactly what time it will begin raining in the immediate area that day is very useful for water collection systems, such as rooftop water collection, so you know how much time you have before you have to clean out the first flush diverter cachement from the last rainstorm's runoff. It can increase the chances of making sure enough water is caught/cached for irrigation needs. You can predict when a river will rise to flood stage when a storm system is about to dump even more water into an already overloaded riverbed, etc, etc, etc.

Once a week, you can feed yourself or someone else. (Hopefully with a gluten-free option for those who cannot consume wheat, or options for other such allergens/issues.) It's just one person, but it's still incredibly powerful, because sometimes people are in desperate need of just 1 meal.

Cats. 'Nuff said. (Yes I know I didn't pick this one, no I am not ill in any way; I just think I'd rather have the cats come to me, is all.)

...I have severe arachnophobia, but I suppose it'd be super nice to be trustworthy if you're an arachnologist, studying spiders professionally.

Emitting the scent of any flower at will can help bring joy to the blind, lift the spirits of someone stuck in an antiseptic-cleaner-reeking hospital room, give someone a scented experience without risking pollen-based allergies, and more.

...I cannot crack my knuckles, it freaks me out, and I know it doesn't hurt your joints too much--and yes, I know it can alleviate suffering for some people--but if your finger joints light up for 1 minute, you will never have to worry about being completely lost in the dark ever again. So that's actually pretty cool & useful. (Far more so imho than the spider trustworthiness power if you're not someone who studies spiders, arthropods, etc.)

You never stub your toe again is the most underrated minor superpower. My little pinky toe has a black toenail because of not having this superpower...and it's been months since I stubbed it. Highly underrated superpower. Almost picked this one.

I know a LOT of people will go for the "erase your memory of a book so you can reread it for the first time again" and I totally respect that...but...I love being able to think back and remember a book that I've ready, and then if I re-read it, i can remember certain things from later in the book that I suddenly realize were foreshadow-hinted-at earlier in the book, and that's a great feeling, enjoying the author's cleverness. If my memory is erased, I don't get to have that feeling, and that's kinda sad for me. But for others, completely valid and I support it.

Beaming a catchy pop song into someone's head...I almost picked this one. There are so many evil people worldwide I would absolutely plague with this...but in the end I decided not to go that route. (Also didn't pick it because unless it's like just think of them and beam it to them without needing line-of-sight or whatever...well, I don't have direct access to any of the people who do disserve to be earwormed into a huddled mess.)

I picked the count fish in a body of water route. I wouldn't go on the water very often because I easily get motion sickness, but it would be highly useful to biologists and environmentalists, especially if I could tell what kind of fish in which numbers. Look at it, write it all down, move on to the next inlet, lake, or stream. Very environmentally practical, doesn't harm anybody, and it doesn't involve my phobia.

Changing eye color would be great for people who do a lot of acting or a lot of (especially face) modeling, but who cannot wear contacts. Yeah yeah, getting away with crimes, thwarting facial recognition software, blah blah blah...nah, let's go kind and practical. Perfect for modeling and acting.

[nickgerlich]

Coming Together

When I bought my house in 1989, I was faced with a decision. Since I was out in the country and far from anything resembling cable TV, I could either mount an aerial on the roof, or buy a massive 12-foot mesh satellite dish that had to be mounted atop a pole set in concrete in the back yard.

I chose the latter, because I wanted more than what was coming over the air out of Amarillo. The dish, the large tuner and remote for the inside, heavy duty wiring, and installation set me back about $3500.

And that was just so I could watch regular old linear television. Even HBO and the other subscription services had rigid times for showings. You couldn’t pick what you wanted to watch. You could only pick if you wanted to watch what they were showing.

That old dish rocked in the West Texas wind, and did an amazing job collecting snow in winter. There was no TV watching when that happened, which as anyone who lives here knows, could be a lot of the time because of the way the wind blows.

About a decade later, I jumped ship and signed on with DirecTV. Although the company had launched in 1994 with much smaller dishes, I had to try to get my money’s worth out of my backyard monstrosity. Still, I was all too happy to see that thing go away.

In the years that followed, I eventually switched to competitor Dish TV, then back to DirecTV. Well, that is, until recently, which I wrote about a month ago. Now I am a YouTube TV customer for when I want to watch linear TV, and a streamer for everything else.

All of this for background, because today’s topic is about DirecTV and Dish coming together in a very different era of television viewing. How we watch has changed; how we consume our media is vastly different from 1989 when I handed over my credit card for that first dish.

Earlier this week, DirecTV bought Dish for $1. You read that right. It’s just that DirecTV also agreed to assume Dish TV’s staggering $9.75 billion in debt. Yikes.

There’s some irony in all this, though, because a little more than 20 years ago, Dish tried to buy DirecTV, but the FTC stepped in, saying it would hurt competition. Today, it appears they couldn’t care less. The combined DirecTV and Dish will have about 20 million customers, which is about what DirecTV had on its own before it started hemorrhaging seven million customers who just abandoned them. Like me.

It’s a dying business, although it won’t die any time soon. There are also still 68.7 million cable subscribers, but when you add them to the combined DirecTV/Dish, that comes to only about 89 million, a far cry from the 130 million households in the US. The customers are getting away and going elsewhere. Cutting the cord is very fashionable.

There’s a wrinkle in all of this, because back in 2014, AT&T bought DirecTV for $48.5 billion, but that investment rapidly plummeted in value. In 2021, AT&T sold 30% of its equity for $16.2 billion to TPG, a private equity firm. And this week, concurrent with the DirecTV/Dish deal, AT&T sold the remaining 70% to TPG for $7.9 billion. Do the math. AT&T lost one-half of its investment over the span of 10 years, and had it waited much longer, it likely would have lost far more.

All because of the shifting sands of media consumption.

While DirecTV thinks its acquisition will improve its odds of weathering this storm, it must remember the fact that it is selling programming that fewer and fewer people care about. Even though DirecTV is now offering a similar streaming linear TV service like YouTube TV, it’s too little, too late. The eyeballs, it turns out, are looking at Netflix, Max, Hulu, and others. What we want, when we want it, where we want it.

I suppose I can give a half-hearted high five to DirecTV for joining forces. Maybe two sinking ships can float as one. But then again, we saw what happened after Sears and Kmart merged. It hasn’t ended well. Consumers have spoken, and we rather like being in control of how we consume our media. And if I had to bet, in a decade or so Netflix will produce a documentary about the ultimate demise of these two companies, a demise they helped engineer in large part.

Dr “What To Watch Tonight?” Gerlich

Audio Blog

[howaboutcastiel-personal]

I’m writing the note as like an exercise. I don’t really know. I just know I can’t sleep and my body is still in pain, even though it’s on a dip right now so it isn’t unbearable.

But yeah this is the note. I don’t know who it would even be for because at this point do I want them to understand? Would writing it help or would they laugh at me posthumously too? Like they would read it and go ha. Stupid girl. Silly girl. You’re so wrong and stupid and selfish. Haha. Jokes on you.

I honestly don’t remember how much pain I used to be in. But I know the pain right now is distracting at best. When it’s at its worst I just want to lay down and moan. I can’t read or write or even watch tv. Not to mention I’m not fucking interested in watching it anyway, and streaming services have made it so it’s going to take years just to get to see anything I’m excited about again.

The world really just feels like a trap. Right? It’s not supposed to be this hard to be alive right? Like who the fuck made it a challenge to live? I should be able to just garden and then sleep all day. It’s so stupid how we have to work a lot to just basically meet our survival needs.

And I’m barely surviving either way. I swear to God no one cares. I get that no one is supposed to care, but why do I have to hurt every day? My stomach hurts too much for me to be happy sometimes. And I’m on so many fucking drugs that I think what’s the point? I’m still so miserable and I’m on all of the drugs for what? What if I just stopped taking every single one of them? What if I was just rawdogging life one hundred percent? Would I feel better?

It’s so frustrating because I’m never going to love myself. When I was in school I was doing so well. I had a job. I had a full schedule. I had an internship and I was living independently for the most part. And I could clean and cook and feed myself and it was okay. And I was writing. I was meeting my goals but then I couldn’t drive and I was socially scared so of course nothing else matters and I am a complete and utter failure that doesn’t deserve to live.

And now of course I still feel like that but I don’t have a job anymore. And I’m doing all of the households laundry and about ninety percent of the dishes. I’m cooking dinner ninety percent of the time and I’m meal planning and I don’t know what else but the house is a fucking mess and if I wasn’t here it would be even more unlivable.

The best thing would be for me to leave and forget this place and just do things for myself. And I want to do that but I’m scared and they’re familiar even though they hate me. They don’t say no to everything and they can’t. Because they think that they’re good people. And they do everything for Ethan. And they helped chuck and reshon. And Nevaeh. And mom buys all those gifts for people’s wedding and baby showers. So like yeah i should ask them for things and not feel bad but how am I supposed to??

It’s not my fault that she feels obligated to do all these things. I should make her feel obligated to do more things for me. I should yell back when she yells at me. Why does she get to believe she’s a good mother? Why does she get to believe that she’s a good person? A smart person???? She’s a fucking narcissistic moron. She’s bipolar or borderline or something and refuses to get help and it’s everyone else’s problem and I’m fucking dependent on her like the idiot I am.

I would like to live… not alone. But with people I love and who love me. And who don’t yell at me and who actually like me and who understand that if I go too long being home alone I’ll get scared and want to die. Maybe like a polycule or just a commune or not even a commune but just roommates that I get along with. I’m just so stupid and cowardly and I don’t believe that I can do it. And change is going to happen regardless and I’m terrified.

It’s not that I’m even suicidal right now. I’m just in so much goddamn pain and I have no idea how to move forward or where I would even want to move forward. I’m not interested in things anymore!! I don’t want to cook as much as I used to and I don’t want to play house as much as I used to and I’m so scared of resenting everything but I already do resent everything. And I know I’m going to miss it when it’s gone too.

I don’t know what I want and I don’t remember what it’s like to have ambition that isn’t obsessive and compulsive. I miss having joy and thinking about my interests. I can’t even daydream about Cobb or Din because I can’t think at all, and I can’t stand watching them on television anymore. And there’s nothing new coming out to help. There’s radio silence because Hollywood is so fucking slow now and everything sucks and Joel’s gonna fucking die anyway. And who fucking even cares about Din anymore because Favreau sure doesn’t.

And I guess Raylan is gone which is fine. And Joel Hammond is gone which is fine. And the alien show is probably not going to be for me and fuck it, Timothy Olyphant isn’t even good at acting. We all know that. Cobb is probably gone, or they’ll fuck up his story on the one-in-a-million chance he ever comes back. Deadwood is fine, but I can only love it so hard. And I don’t know what else Tim would be doing. Oscar is going places I guess. There’s the fantastic four which I also don’t care so much about, but I’ll see it for Pedro. Moon Knight is still on that season two rumor but I don’t remember what it’s like to miss those boys.

And it’s not rewarding to self insert in the fanfiction anymore. I keep doing bad things to Din. Putting him in circumstances I’ve never even been in. I don’t know what else to do. It doesn’t matter if he was abused. It doesn’t matter that Cobb’s parents hate him. And the happy ending I have to write just makes me feel nothing, but I can’t write a bad ending either because I’ll be devastated.

I’m just nauseated. I’m sick to my stomach and I have this headache that keeps coming back and I can’t stop grinding my teeth. And after being so tired for my entire life I finally have energy thanks to the steroids and I feel like it’s a total waste. They aren’t making me feel better they’re just keeping me awake. I would get a job somewhere. I could work for Kamala’s campaign. But I’m just. In pain. And I’m scared. And stupiddd.

If I was going to say the things I wanted to dad. It would be that he’s a fucking loser. The things I hate about myself are the same things I hate about him but he knows how to drive. He can’t hold a job and he can’t learn new things without being too angry that he isn’t good at it yet. And he hates authority and he’s pathetic. He’s racist and sexist and homophobic and transphobic and he’s entitled. He’s entitled to lunch every day. He’s entitled to never having to do the fucking housework. I do more than he does to contribute to the household but mom still waits on him hand and foot.

And she’s barely any better. She’s more productive and she does things for other people, but her soul is so gross. She’s selfish and she thinks that she’s amazing. She thinks she’s the best person ever and oh so smart and so caring and everything she does is right and her way is the right way and she will laugh at you. I want to kill things when she laughs. It’s like she makes my ears bleed just from her fucking stupid witchy laugh. Why does she get to be happy??? She’s not funny. And not smart. Her interests are stupid and her habits are stupid. She has no real compassion and I swear every Good thing she does is manipulative and she does it for the sake of appearance.

And she wastes money. On stupid shit. And then makes me feel guilty for needing food and shelter and healthcare. She hates me and im never going to not be mad at her for hating me and I swear to god I hate her right back. Even though she helps sometimes. It’s like she helps so I can owe her. It’s like she gave birth to me so that I could owe her and I will owe her until we’re both deep in the ground. If I died it would be about her too. It would be something I did to her. And another chance for her to be a fucking. Victim. Of course.

I don’t know what justice would even be. It’s not like I want to inflict pain on them both. I just think they shouldn’t be allowed to be happy like this. It would be so simple for them to just turn on their fucking brains and learn how to be compassionate. Mom could learn how to actually love her children unconditionally. She could learn how to plan for the future and spend money on things that matter and be pragmatic about how she fixes problems. And want me to get better because she loves me and not just because I’m her burden and the disappointment she never fucking wanted.

Dad could change everything about himself. Stop being so selfish, and entitled. Get a real job, since they think I’m horrible for not having one and yet he’s a fucking failure. Go to the doctor for the things that are wrong. Stop being racist and hating queer people and learn how to respect women. And do chores without being asked and without bailing out and asking for help even though it’s simple fucking chores you never do anything for anyone you fucking evil moron. He could pack his fucking lunch. I swear to god just pack your fucking lunch and stop drinking coke.

They failed with the other one but I’m the failure ???? He’s racist !!! He’s crazy. He’s insane and he’s violent and sexist and one day he’s going to kill someone. Maybe Julia. And he’s an asshole and he stood me up on my birthday and why the fuck does he get to appear to be the successful one I fucking hate him. I want to hurt him. I do want him to suffer because there’s no hope for him and he’s dangerous. And just for the record fuck Julia too. But she doesn’t deserve to die and I hope he doesn’t kill her.

I want to stop hurting. Fucking listen to me !!! Somethings in there. Something is wrong and it’s hurting all the fucking time and STOP IT PLEASE. I can’t even sleep in peace. I’m fat and I can’t even be skinny like the good sick people are and fucking I hate it. I hate living like this why can’t I stop the fucking pain? I’m gonna get addicted to drugs because I can’t stop the fucking pain. I just want it to stop I want to fucking fix it why can’t it JUST GO AWAY?

The doctors don’t care and it’s all the way in Charlotte and they don’t answer my calls or messages and the next appointment is three months out and oh it’s probably anxiety or oh we’re not worried or oh the test looks abnormal but we’re not gonna do anything about it like can you at least fucking shoot me??? You’d at least put a fucking dog out of its misery can you please just listen to me??

I have to do the dishes. I have to do the laundry. It hurts. I have to eat. I have to lose weight. And fuck you it hurts. What am I supposed to do? You can’t work for the government and do drugs. You can’t work anywhere and do drugs. You can’t just not work. Nobody is going to love me. I don’t even remember what my personality is.

I don’t remember what the fuck I am? They don’t call me the name I like. I can’t tell them. And it’s stupid because I don’t even know anymore. The body is not even mine. I just live in it. And it kills me and I don’t want to even look at it. I keep dreaming about people who don’t love me anymore and I don’t know how to go back outside but I’ll die in here and that is worse and what the fuck am I supposed to even do

[walkingwithaliens]

I’m so over fucking the way things are set up. Like you have to pay godly amounts of money for wild shit.

I have a family of 5. Say we all wanted gta 5. That’s $300 fucking dollars so all 5 of us can play. Then if they come out with a new version we have to pay $100 extra dollars to get the new version. (Not the new gta 6, just the new version) that’s fucking $400 just for ONE game for all of us to play. On top of the damn Xbox’s or ps’s.

Why? Back in the day I can buy one fucking disk and the entire family play it. For $60.

They want me to buy cable still, but then now all the cable channels are creating apps. So now they want me to keep my cable so I can still watch my old shit but I gotta buy the app to see new shit or different shit from the same show I watch on cable. And now they are putting commercials on the streaming services. Sure I can pay more for no commercials but what the fuck.

Then they come out with apps for your phone, gaming apps or anything else… but you gotta pay for the app. Then you gotta pay for shit once you get the app. Or the app is free but to actually use it you gotta pay for shit. All while getting fucking ads for other apps. Or partner apps.

Then I got ads in my news, my emails, my fucking everything.

It’s just buy buy buy. But we aren’t going to give you enough money to live on let alone get shit like this. I can’t afford food but I’m gonna spend $5.00 a month for no ads and skips on Pandora?

I gotta pay for YouTube with no ads.

I gotta pay for literally everything. When I can’t they say it’s cause I’m spending on stupid shit. So I’m just supposed to suffer without ANY kind of break. Then when I do give that shit up and work to death and am depressed then they say that’s my fault too.

Fuck this shit, I want out.

[queenofthursday6599-blog]

So my older sister has decided to do that thing where you google your own name to see what information about yourself is on the internet up for grabs by information brokers and guess what?

As far as the internet is concerned I don't actually exist as anything beyond being one of my sister's aliases.

Though my sister technically has two entries on this website.

The one under our merged identity (her first name, my middle name, my last name which is also her maiden name), which is also seemingly merged with a random 3rd women who neither of us know. Which also has my birthday listed, but has no known relatives or associates listed (because that person doesn't exist).

Then another under her current name, which changed when she got married. Which fails to list her birthday or phone number, but does have her connected to various other people. Like her husband's family are all listed as relatives, but our mom is just listed as someone she might know.

Though we think there's still some influence of the random 3rd women who's part of the other entry, because she's also listed as knowing or being related to a bunch of people that neither of us know.

Current theory is that the weird jankey amalgam of 3 different women identity profile is actually supposed to be me.

I think me and her (original) online identities got merged when Google bought Youtube.

At e point before the merger, I had let her use my yahoo to sign up for a Youtube account, after she lost the password to her previous account. Even though I already had an account using that same yahoo (which I knew was weird and broken to be able to do that in the first place).

After the merger our two separate Youtube accounts got merged because they were using the same email address. Specifically my account got cannibalized by her account more or less, because I wasn't able to access my original Youtube account at all after that, and attempting to use my log in sent me to the account she'd made using my yahoo as the email.

Which was then furthered by the fact that we would use eachother's emails for stuff pretty frequently.

Like if we wanted a free trial for a streaming service because there was a show on there we wanted to watch, if my sister didn't have a random email that could be used (she has so many email addresses nowadays, I don't know how she keeps track of them) we'll just use mine.

Or using each other's email addresses as recovery emails.

Where this random 3rd women comes in I'm not sure, but it's her email address that's currently listed on this dossier, which would explain why I don't get spam emails at all.

There are various stuff like my old facebook account that I've been locked out of since the early 2010s and the third person could have just stolen.

So the 3rd woman could be an attempted identity thief who got screwed over by the internet thinking I am but already someone else's false identity.

[yuuana]

Music Monday #228: VICTON - Virus release: November 2022 genre: Kpop cw: intermittent bright flashing

Yeah, I know, I've been saying I'd feature this MV for how many weeks now? Several. Like, all month. And it was supposed to come up here even before that and then didn't because reasons of my health being complete shithouse for months now. But I am determined, dangnabit! And have some things to say.

Let's just say VICTON has been Going Through It over the last couple of years. Debuting in November 2016 as a seven member unit on Plan A (later Play M) Ent, VICTON has been on a steady if not very flashy progression, releasing several singles and EPs and one OST before finally putting out a full album in 2021, then changing companies to IST in 2022. It could have been a promising new phase - IST is among the more successful of the small labels - but between Chan's DUI investigation last September (and subsequent departure from the group) and then Subin, Hanse, and Byungchan being unable to come to satisfactory contract terms this past April (due to military service requirements, Seungsik, Seungwoo, and Sejun are still on their original contracts), there's a very real chance that we've hit the end of the road. There hasn't been an official disbandment notice, but it wouldn't be unprecedented for a group to have a silent disbanding. On the other hand, the industry also has yet to pull out a success with a group whose members are signed across different labels1, so while I'm still clinging to hope as an ALICE, I know that hope is quite thin indeed.

Getting back to the song itself, Virus isn't really fast enough to be called a proper dance beat while at the same time having too many EDM elements to be properly called a ballad either. The use of flanging on the members' voices works for me, but makes this a somewhat atypical track for a group whose fandom name is an "acronym" for Always We Love the Voice. XD The rest of the EP is more straightforwardly melodic while still being in that space between dance and ballad.

Maybe because of what happened in the two months ahead of its release, the video carries a certain melancholy feel to it that may or may not actually be warranted? This also only has the five members in it which, given the usual production cycle, makes me wonder if they weren't made to take an afternoon to redo the group scenes and then the whole thing re-edited to remove Chan's participation in it. My ear isn't tuned enough to tell if they re-recorded the EP as well - I suspect not, because that could have been a potentially huge expense, depending on where in the cycle they were when he was dismissed, but I really couldn't say.

Seungwoo (who was not part of this EP) has completed his service, but Seungsik and Sejun have only just started theirs (enlistments in March and June of this year, respectively). Given the contract issue and the low level expectation that Hanse and Byungchan will start their manditory service terms next year, if they are still able to work together, another comeback is likely to be some time off yet.

"Choice" is out now wherever you like to do your Kpop streaming and likely still available for physical purchase as well. If that EP tickles your fancy, I recommend giving the rest of their discography a try as well.

1. yes, I know there are groups doing the still-together-across-labels thing, but GOT7 has done one release this way and no one else has been doing it long enough to be called a success yet, so I stand by this claim.

Want to see Music Monday deep dives more often? Sponsor a song selection! For the low, low price of one (1) KoFi, I'll write up the song of your choice. ANY song of your choice. Yes, even that one that's been played to death. Yes, your obscure faves too. With sponsors, I can stop skipping weeks and falling further and further behind in the releases! Sponsor a current CB for the next open Music Monday slot or sponsor a throwback for a Thursday feature! But seriously, if you've been enjoying my selections and analyses, we (me and the foster kittens) would love a KoFi in thanks. DW | Twitter | Mastodon | Ko-fi | Patreon | Discord | Twitch

[batfam-rewrites]

Batfam During Quarantine: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Dick: Nooooooooo!!!!

Barbara: What’s wrong, boy wonder?

Dick: Brooklyn Nine-Nine leaves Hulu in 7 days!

Tim: Oh, so nothing serious!

Dick: *grabs Tim* I will skin your body, Timmy!

Tim: You are obsessed with that show! That isn’t even a super memorable reference!

Barbara: I don’t think that was supposed to be reference.

Dick: It was unintentional, but I am devastated and I will hurt you. My mornings are fucking ruined!!!!!

Jason: You realize that the show is also on Peacock, right?

Dick: *looks at Jason* That’s an additional streaming service Jason!!! I can’t afford that!!!

Tim: *pulls up his phone* Yes you can, it’s pretty cheap. There’s a free option that’s shit, premium which is okay, and premium plus that is just premium without ads.

Dick: *looks at Tim* Are we in a fucking ad?

Tim: No, just saying you’re making a big deal over nothing. Like always!

Dick: *throws Tim across the room* No! You’re making a big deal over nothing! My mornings are fucking ruined! This is more devastating than any break up I’ve ever been through!!!!

Barbara: I don’t know if I should be offended or relieved right now.

Bruce: Just use my account Dick.

Dick: YES!!!! Thank you Brucie!!!

In case it isn’t clear, this is just a self insert. Unlike Dick, I do not have the money to afford Peacock as a streaming service or someone else’s account that I can use so my mornings are now officially ruined because I enjoy an episode every morning as it makes me laugh and also kinda prepares me for working with a bunch of little kids because of how silly the show is. I am also willing to bet that once this show leaves Hulu in 7 days it might actually hurt more than the break up that I just went through and I’m still trying to get over. I’m mainly posting this on here just because I needed to get this out of my system but I do hope that some of you do enjoy this! Looking this over it kinda looks like a “send me money thing” but it’s not, just a tiny rant.

[riacte]

Dogwarts / 3rd Life Cheat Sheet for MCC 15 Purple Pandas

Ren and Martyn were buddies in Season 1 of the 3rd Life SMP and they are an alliance known as the Renchanting duo/ Kingdom of Dogwarts. Now they’re finally teamed up, and the 3rd Life SMP members have a habit of referring to 3rd Life in MCC. The Ren-Martyn fandom also talks about Dogwarts a lot. If you have no idea what is a Dogwarts and why people love them, no fear! This post will try to explain it in simple terms.

3rd Life SMP is a SMP started by Grian. Season 1 has 14 members (roughly half are hermits, other half are friends of the hermits. You can find the full list in the description of Ren’s 3rd Life videos.) Everyone on the server has three lives— the first life symbolised by green names, second by yellow names, third by red names. If you lose all three lives, you permadie. Green names and yellow names are not allowed to be hostile unless they were attacked first, but the goal of red names is to kill everyone on the server. The three lives are also symbolised by three hearts, like this:

(Fun fact: Because of the green-yellow-red colours, the subtwt for 3rd Life is called traffictwt after traffic lights. The 3rd Life tumblr fandom is occasionally referred to as trafficblr.)

3rd Lifers record every week for three hours at the same time with proximity chat. The server has a small border to encourage interaction. They are eight sessions in total, and they’re all cut into YouTube episodes (no streams!), so it’s fairly bingeable.

So what’s the deal with Martyn and Ren?

Ren decided to set up an enchanting shop during the first session. Martyn was wandering around and having fun scaring people with creeper noises until he came to Ren’s enchanting shop. Martyn then used Ren’s enchanting service without paying (essentially a robbery), but Ren let Martyn go on the condition Martyn would act as a walking free advertisement. Martyn agreed, and they became business partners. Martyn actually coined the name Renchanting and its motto “Don’t be a Dog, be a God”. Ren named Martyn as his “marketing manager” (which sounds a little like Martynmanager).

True to his word, Martyn went around and spread the good news of Renchanting to everyone. Martyn brought business to Renchanting, and when Ren was being threatened by customers (who harassed Ren into lower his prices/ giving out enchantments for free), Martyn acted defensive of Ren and even said Ren was being “bullied”. Ren was being taken advantage of because he was too nice. (Martyn did do some stuff not related to Ren, but since this is a Dogwarts cheat sheet I won’t be mentioning that.)

Then came GoodTimesWithScar. The main “villain” to Renchanting, if you will.

Basically, Scar was playing the role of a cartoon villain. He scammed people out of their armour and possessions, and eventually found his way to Renchanting. At that point, Martyn and Ren were loyal to each other. Scar asked for Ren’s enchanting table. In return, when Scar turned red, he would not kill Ren and Martyn. Ren appeared to be torn, but due to Martyn depending on him and the business, he refused Scar’s offer (“you can’t take the enchanting out of Renchanting!”). Scar also acted condescending to Martyn (Martyn was seen as Ren’s “minion”). So Ren and Martyn were officially on Scar’s kill list, but Ren did not regret it.

At some point, Ren got tired of people walking into his store and stepping all over him, so he built high walls around the Renchanting building. Everyone (including Renchanting themselves) broke through the walls, and this was a running gag. Ren declared himself king by wearing the crown he got from MCC9 Blue Bats.

Note: Ren was kind, and it was the cruel world that forced Ren to be defensive. Other POVs paint them as the villain but Dogwarts enthusiasts will say that is not the case AT ALL.

Time passed. Scar turned red. He and his buddy Grian set up traps at Renchanting, and one blew up Ren and a bunch of other people. Ren, now a yellow name, was furious, but could not get his revenge because yellow names were not allowed to hurt other players. So naturally, Ren decided to become a red.

Ren renamed an axe to “RED WINTER IS COMING” and gave it to Martyn to chop his head off. (There’s some dramatic roleplay here, highly recommend a watch.) Martyn painfully did, and the message “Red Winter is Coming” was shown in the chat, which told everyone that Ren meant business. To test Martyn’s loyalty, Ren told Martyn he could kill him if he wanted to. Ren, freshly respawned and without armour, punched Martyn. Martyn, as a green name, could attack Ren due to Ren attacking first. However, Martyn did not kill Ren, and dramatically declared Ren was the one who showed him life, and thus he would return the favour.

So Ren was known as the Red King (with grey skin, bloodied MCC crown, and a Scottish/pirate accent). Martyn became known as the King’s Hand, and called Ren “my lord” “my liege”. Later, Martyn acquired an outfit with a cloak and a red hand on the back of the cloak, which is now used to symbolise Martyn.

They established the Kingdom of Dogwarts (after Hogwarts and the enchanting/magic gimmick) to find more allies (notable ones include Ethoslab and Skizzleman). Allies could stick a Red Banner in their base to show loyalty, members were called Red Knights / Red Army.

A Red Banner (the design is supposed to be blood dripping down):

Without spoiling too much, Ren and Martyn remained loyal to each other till the very end. They were very dramatic (even jokingly called homoerotic by some lmao) and had many hardcore quotes, and are highly beloved. They are the most dramatic and RP intensive group on the server. So people want Dogwarts, the king and his hand, together again.

A small sample of quotes that might be referenced:

I think going red next week is in my fate. It’s in my cards. There will be blood, for this. A king cannot be king without war. (Ren)

I won’t do it! You took me in when I was a lowly traveller, goin�� across the lands, searchin’ the four corners of this world. I learned that there was nothing in this world for me. Nothing but walls, corners, edges. And you know what? You showed me life. As much as I’ve taken it from you, you gave it back to me in bucket fulls. and I just- I’m with you. This is us now. This is us. (Martyn)

If we're going to survive the Red Winter, we gotta do it together, laddies. Hand in hand. Rotten hand in hand of the living. To the end! (Ren)

It’s just the world versus us. (Martyn)

(Note: Dogwarts refers to the group of people allied with Ren and Martyn, including Etho and Skizzleman. Renchanting duo refers to Ren and Martyn ONLY)

Other references:

Joel notably screamed “THE RED KING DIES TONIGHT, FELLAS!” with a crowd of wolves following him

Dogwarts killed Grian and Scar’s llama Pizza because Scar stole a Red Banner

Jimmy and Scott were flower husbands. Jimmy thought Renchanting was going to sacrifice Scott.

Everyone else in MCC (Grian, Scott, Jimmy, Joel) were enemies with Dogwarts

The 3rd Lifers reference 3rd Life a lot despite it being over. Martyn even fought for Dogwarts in MCC14 and MCCP but failed. Haha.

The fandom commonly refers to Purple15 as King (Ren), Queen (False), Ace (Illumina), and Joker/Hand (Martyn) after playing cards.

This is it, I am tired, this is probably too long but I feel I skipped a lot of details. If anyone has anything to add or correct, feel free to do so. Also, I’m pretty certain this won’t appear in the tags, so please reblog! Thank you, and Red Winter is Coming.

(I might add a reblog detailing False’s very much fanon involvement in Dogwarts, and why everyone was so hyped for Renchanting + False.)

[jmdbjk]

My last nerve...

The chatter about no one supporting Jimin’s OST is false. The song is breaking records left and right, SOMEONE is supporting it. 

I saw a ton of promotion and positivity happening on Twitter by Army. If you saw a lot of negativity, then you are following the wrong accounts. Can’t help you there. That’s on you.

The song was not a BigHit product therefore not their responsibility to promote. The entertainment company that produces the television show promoted it. Maybe not like all you suddenly expert public relations and marketing people on social media think it should have been, but they promoted it. The song is not the property of Jimin or Sungwoon. YamYam Entertainment were the executive producers. That means they hired PDogg, Jimin and Sungwoon for the song. Their main interest is promoting their television series. The song was part of that.

Be mad at Spotify but also be realistic. That app is not very organized. Never has been, so no surprise they were not timely in updating Jimin’s profile, not to mention the confusion to begin with because there are multiple artist accounts called “Jimin”. Was it done on purpose in order to diminish the song’s success? I highly doubt that, this is a billion dollar organization, why would they spend energy on trying to sabatoge one artist’s song? For what reason? Regardless, I don’t care for Spotify, it certainly isn’t the be-all, end-all of streaming services, but I suppose I only feel that way because I use Apple Music. 

I understand the importance of song ranking and artist following numbers. The song is doing well, Jimin is doing well. But I understand fans want him to be #1 and his song to smash all records that can’t ever be broken again. I get it!

However, the story that came to light regarding the unpaid insurance incident definitely was timed to mar the songs release. I tend to ignore sources that are non-official when it comes to serious news.

But K-media sure is something else…this is how it’s gonna be huh? This is just me talking but if this group of 7 humans is generating over $5 BILLION USD to Korea’s gross domestic product I would think y’all would report better about them but that’s just me. 

Unfortunately, Twitter played right into it and engaged wholeheartedly. They will never learn that in order to diffuse those sorts of things, you should ignore. They just added fuel to the fire they wanted to put out. And this is why this story is appearing on entertainment news outlets like Billboard News. Y’all made it a big deal. It’s a shame. 

And anons here saying words that are not fully informed are just helping a topic stay alive even though it appears to have been resolved as well as perpetuating false information:��

1. It’s been resolved (months ago). I already said that. 

2. BigHit is aware of the situation, have taken responsibility and I am 100% certain people got fired and others got hired, security protocols have been re-evaluated, so there’s really nothing more to add to the discourse. Talking about just keeps it at the top of everyone’s mind.

3. If it’s a security or legal issue it sure as hell is none of our business. Stay out of it. 

4. Whoever was the “whistleblower” did so in order to mar Jimin’s OST release. It all played out exactly as they planned because people thrive on drama and negativity. 

And ya know another thing about that? Drama Llamas sometimes don’t even realize they are being a drama llama. They think the entire world is just like them. Because the box they live in is very tiny with high high walls that they can’t see over.

Learn to keep your mouth shut. I know it’s a challenge for some of you but really you should try harder to be a good human. People chattering about matters that SHOULD BE PRIVATE with all the gatekeeping and screaming about respecting their privacy...STOP TALKING OUT BOTH SIDES OF YOUR FUCKIN MOUTH.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the outrage. We all love Jimin and want to protect him. We worry about him when we hear this kind of bullshit going on. But to trash his company, his friends, the other BTS members and even Jimin and Sungwoon because you don’t think they’ve done enough to promote the song or protect Jimin in general is wrong. Evil people will succeed in being evil as long as they can figure out a way. THAT’S WHY IT’S IMPORTANT FOR US TO BE GOOD HUMANS! 

Just me posting this is whole rant is wrong but you guys plucked my last nerve on it. 

Keep being mad and outraged if you want to but you aren’t helping Jimin or anyone else by doing that. You are just making yourself wallow in negativity and bringing down everyone else.

We have a lot of good fun things to look forward to.  Let’s just move on already.

[gwaaaaar]

So, remember that long ass post i made abt noah thy creature characterization bc i was ill. Here to back up on my claims btw. Spoilers below, this is info i gathered from regis altares stream as i cannot play the game </3

I... i kind of miss early access thy creature. The story and the flow was just, so much more natural and endearing and calm. Like you had time to savor the residents and get to know them. There wasn't a rush. This isn't to say the new version is bad, I just enjoyed the early access much more. Specifically the introduction. The way Noah is introduced first makes him feel more personal to the creature. In the final version you meet Noah, El and Justine all together. And oh my god El.

Where do I begin. He is not a bad character, on the contrary I think hes ok. But it feels as if he took Noahs more positive traits like the kindness and selflessness. And he feels ever so slightly shoehorned in, BUT he does have an important role. Afaik he is the nepe of madness, mazm spoiled that in like previous material and shit like im assuming its supposed to be a surprise but its so obvious theyre related. But to a newcomer it would be a surprise so i wont riff on mazm too much.

So yeah we meet El in the beginning as opposed to later on. This is important because madness is the third floor boss, if they wanted the twist with El to hit, the player would have to know him since the beginning. Since early access didnt have El then, they'd have to change up the approach.

Tbh how I'd write the new version would be keeping the EA plot, BUT, introduce El in the beginning with Noah, and also develop their interpersonal relationship because it seems Noah does trust El. It would be good to develop a reason why he trusts El and also El can convince him to help the creature. It would hopefully keep the same effect as the final version where you still get to meet El in the beginning.

While we are at change, Noah feels ever so slightly flanderized from early access, its hilarious. HE LITERALLY MAKES CASH REGISTER NOISES THATS HIS SFX!!!! Its so funny it makes me laugh, mori calliopes mickey voice for him is priceless. BUT, in a story sense, flanderization is kinda, not good. Its not good to reduce characters to a singular trait as that is how they become one dimensional.

However, I am making these assumptions based on the 3 hours of gameplay i have seen, and I am not saying this is Noah in entirety. For all i know he may get development and grow as a character. I applaud mazm for their characters as that is what they mainly focus on when it comes to writing. They want memorable characters, I just dont think flanderization is the way to go.

Noah in the new version is a man that lives by the sigma grindset. He cracks a lot more mortician jokes which is rlly funny that can stay. There is also a flyer for a "evans funeral service" which gives a two in one coffin deal, sounds familiar doesnt it? If Noah's last name is "Evans" then thats a pretty clever way of revealing that. But hes far more transactional and light hearted compared to previous Noah who could be an absolute edgelord if he wanted to.

EA Noahs lines about beggars asking for free services and his more dry sarcasm conveyed a more adult vibe to him. Hes like 33 hes seen some shit. Thats not old but more like enough time for him to be thoroughly unamused by the world. His tired lines reveal just how little faith he has in anyone but himself and certain people. But then you get his memories, you see that sweeter side to him, and he gets more lighthearted and a friend to the creature. He makes jokes with the creature, he teaches it about life and new words, all sorta fun stuff.

Hes still using it, hes 100 transparent about it and he apologizes for lying to the creature about going up the tower. However, the friendship it builds with the creature feels more personal, more earned. He helped the creature not because of someone elses interference (El in the new version), but out of his own will, even if there was financial intent behind it. He was the one that tried breaking down the door and failed. He had far more of an independent role and felt like a character, not azul ashengrotto 2.0. I have joked abt Noah being an MLM salesman but I did not expect this.

When Noah got his memories back in EA, he had a strong reaction to them, and you got to learn just a bit more about him, adding depth to his character. In the new version it doesn't really feel like you're getting anything new from it. Sure the meat is in the memories, but I think the character's reactions to those memories also matters a lot. It shows how they've changed as a person, and its a subtle way of self reflection.

I feel as if because we don't know about new Noah that much yet, he does fall a bit flat. I hope that his arc does not end here! And I am sure it wont! I'm sure his story will continue even beyond floor one. Mazm is amazing at characters when it wants to be, and for a game like thy creature, i think it does want to be outstanding.

[vhenadahls]

the remnants of the life i used to live here in eden

After Tali is exonerated, she decides to give Pippa Shepard a tour of the Rayya.

G, 2600 words.

“Tali’Zorah, in light of your history of service, we do not find sufficient evidence to convict. You are cleared of all charges.”

Admiral Raan’s voice is still steady and professional, a proper admiral’s voice, but it’s lighter than it’s been the entire time they’ve been on the Fleet. Tali sags forward against the railing in front of her and Pippa, relief exuding from her entire body. The garden plaza erupts with a buzz of chatter, blotting out both Raan’s and Shepard’s next words - not that Tali is sure she would’ve heard them anyways, her own heart is beating so loud. She hasn’t been exiled, and Shepard hasn’t revealed her father’s treachery, and when she woke up on the Normandy today she definitely had not expected this to be the way her day went.

The admirals end the trial, and people start to stream out of the garden plaza, still buzzing with conversation and gossip and thoughts and theories. Tali drags Pippa over to speak with each of the admirals, pointedly keeping the conversation with Admiral Xen blessedly short, and to thank Reegar and Veetor yet again for speaking up for her. Eventually they make it back to the corridor outside the plaza, Garrus trailing behind them. Looking up at the achingly familiar patched-together entranceway, she makes a split-second decision. “Garrus, you go on back to the Normandy. We’ll catch up.”

Garrus looks at Pippa for confirmation. She glances back at Tali, who knows her body language is telegraphing her excitement but that Pippa and Garrus won’t know what it means. After a moment Shepard nods, and Garrus walks back up the corridor to the docking bay the Normandy is in.

Pippa turns to face Tali full-on, a wide grin visible through the viewscreen of her helmet. “Well then, Miss vas Normandy, what’s got you so excited?”

Okay, maybe Pippa’s not so bad at quarian body language as she thought. She pushes that aside and bounces from foot to foot “We’re on the Rayya. It’s my birth ship. I thought I’d take you on a tour.”

Pippa’s mouth drops open behind her viewscreen - Tali’s learned this one, a display of shock or awe for many species, not just humans. “A tour? Really? Is that allowed?”

Laughing, Tali links her arm through Pippa’s and steers her towards the trading plaza. “Probably not, but I doubt they’re going to say anything after today.”

The trading plaza, just a short walk down the corridor from the garden plaza, is also achingly familiar and almost just as she remembers it. The people and items in it are different, of course, but it’s the same design as always. Bank of lockers on the back wall, all different sizes, all full of things someone didn’t need but someone else could use. Rows of desks for anyone to hawk wares, services, whatever it is they can do or make or trade that others might want. It’s loud, crowded, full of people speaking Khelish, people she can still understand if she turns off her translator. A wave of homesickness washes over her, even though she’s standing right in the middle of the ship she grew up on. She won’t live here again, not on the Rayya, even if she does come back to the Flotilla.

Trying to disengage from that feeling, she turns back to Pippa, whose grin has spread even wider. “Where are we now? It looks like a market.” Her eyes dart back and forth across the plaza, head turning so rapidly she looks like a top.

“Kind of,” Tali says, leading the way to the stall of a quilter she remembers from before her Pilgrimage. “We don’t use credits within the Flotilla. Needs like food, water, and medicine are doled out as needed, and you trade for other things. Trade your work, your surplus supplies, information, whatever you have. That’s what this is for - this is where people trade what they can. The lockers on the wall,” she points, “are for people to leave items they don’t want anymore, and someone else can take them. Other people make things to sell here. Quilts, suit adornments, and so on. And musicians and storytellers and dancers can show off their skills.” She points again, to a musician and a dancer attracting a small audience in the opposite corner.

“No credits? How?” Pippa slows, trying to watch exchanges between traders and customers while continuing to follow Tali. “Even when I was a kid on the streets, creds were king. That’s what will for sure get you food in your belly and a safe place to sleep.”

Tali’s heart squeezes painfully, the way it always does when Pippa mentions her childhood before BAaT and the Alliance. She’ll have to ask about that someday. “We don’t have to worry about food and shelter - everyone gets food, everyone gets shelter. You know that’s why we don’t have an incarceration system and our highest punishment is exile - we can’t support those who don’t work to provide for the community, because everyone is given those things by virtue of being quarian. But this sort of thing - things that aren’t necessities, things that make your life happier or easier or the like - those we trade for, because what better thing to offer than something else we value?” They’ve reached the quilt-trader, and Tali holds up her hand in greeting. “I’m Tali’Zorah, and this is Pippa Shepard.”

The quilt-trader nods. “I remember you, Tali’Zorah.” She turns to Pippa, holding out a hand with her palm facing forward, fingers slightly bent, so Pippa can interlace her own with them - a first-time greeting. “Welcome, Pippa Shepard. I am Chenah’Ayyal.”

Pippa looks back at Tali, probably confused, but holds her hand up - Tali would never have doubted she’d be a good sport. The quilt-seller interlinks their fingers, and Pippa won’t be able to tell, no matter how good she’s gotten at reading quarian body language, but Tali can almost feel the approval wafting off Ayyal.

“What brings you to the Rayya’s trading plaza, Shepard?” Ayyal asks, pointedly re-fluffing one of the quilts on her display. It’s reminiscent of Rannoch, qorach and canyons and wide-open sky, in shades of blue and purple.

Rather than answering, Pippa shoots a sidelong glance at Tali. The meaning is obvious - she’s going to let Tali do most of the talking, let Tali choose how others will see a human wandering around one of the Fleet’s most precious ships. She can spin this however she wants.

“I’m taking her on a tour,” she says. No spin. “I want to show her where I grew up.”

Ayyal’s stance becomes guarded, but not angry or mistrustful. Honestly more than Tali had expected, and her stomach unclenches just a bit. She draws one finger down the neat and even stitching of the Rannoch blanket. “This is beautiful. Your stitching is every bit as lovely as I remember. I’ve never seen it fray.”

With the disgusted sound Ayyal makes deep in her throat, the air clears even more. “How can you say that?” she asks, dragging the cloth from under Tali’s hand. “See here, the stitches are off center - everyone will notice! How am I supposed to be happy with anyone displaying this in their quarters? I’ll be a laughingstock!”

Tali tries her very best to muffle a laugh, and the hacking cough suddenly afflicting Pippa spells the same. “Just like a craftsperson,” she says, unable to contain a final huff of laughter. “Thank you for talking with us. Until I return.”

“Until I see you again,” Ayyal replies, and holds up her hand again to Pippa, who readily interlaces their fingers again. “And you, Pippa Shepard,” she adds, and Pippa’s answering grin could power the Flotilla for a week. At least.

 Grinning too, Tali links her arm back with Pippa’s and steers her back out of the trading plaza and into another corridor. “So that’s the trading plaza, obviously. Most of what’s right around here is also community areas - a school, an infirmary, you saw the garden plaza, and those sorts of things.” She points out the places they pass as they go, places where she spent her childhood and adolescence. “Schools are clean rooms, because children don’t have suits yet. They’re bubbled - like Raan talked about - but when there’s that many children together, it’s better for the space to be clean too. Infirmary too, for obvious reasons, so those are usually right near each other for efficiency.”

“Name of the day on a ship, any ship.” Pippa peers in through windows when they exist, nodding at each quarian they pass. Tali’s heart skips yet another beat as she watches her. The Rayya might be one of the Fleet’s most important ships, but it’s still dingy and patched-together and shabby compared to the least Alliance ship, let alone the Normandy. But Pippa doesn’t look out of place or uncomfortable at all. She looks excited, interested. She looks like she fits in.

There’s only one reason Tali could be worrying about whether Pippa fits in on the Flotilla, and she is not ready to interrogate that quite yet. Instead, she pulls Pippa down a side corridor, so suddenly that Pippa yelps from being knocked off balance. “This way is to hydroponics - the reason these are called liveships.”

Pippa might be an entire handspan shorter than Tali, but she sure can walk fast when she’s excited about something. “Oh, man! I know I’m not going to understand any of it. But it’s so cool! You figured out how to grow enough food to support seventeen million people in space! Three hundred years ago!” She’s pulling Tali now, stopping dead when they reach an intersection. “Which way?”

Their footsteps echo on the metal floors, familiar and comforting, as Tali leads Pippa through the maze of cobbled-together corridors to the hydroponics observation deck. When the doors open, Pippa hurries over to the windows, pressing her faceplate against the glass to peer at the leafy green plants below. “Look at it! That’s all food!”

Laughing again, Tali joins her at the window. “We all take turns volunteering there, not just those of us who live on the liveships. So everyone has a chance to be part of how and where food comes from and is distributed and all of that.” She gestures to a corner on the far end of what they can see. “I always worked in that corner over there. Helped plant, check irrigation systems, whatever needed doing.”

“Wish I’d had something like that.” Pippa’s smile this time doesn’t actually reach her eyes. “Didn’t really think, as a kid, about where food came from before I nicked it.” Her voice is wistful - the opposite of nostalgic, whatever that is. Tali squeezes her hand, and Pippa turns away from the window.

“Show me where you used to live?” she asks. “If you want to.”

“That was my plan. It’s a deck down, so we’ll just go through here…” she lets her words trail off as they head back into the corridor maze, find the stairs, and go down to the deck where she spent most of her life. The designs painted on the walls, the quilts hung to muffle sound, someone in a familiar suit in literally every corner of the ship - it’s almost like she’s stepped back in time.

She stops in front of the door to her family’s apartment, the apartment that was her home until two years ago. The blank door beckons, but she doesn’t knock. “It belongs to someone else now, another family. They moved my father once I transfered to the Neema, gave him a space more conducive to one person alone and gave this to a family that needed more room.” Her voice is as devoid of emotion as she can make it, trying not to let Pippa hear how draining this is to be back in these spaces that hold memories of her father. And her mother.

Pippa’s hand appears on her shoulder, and Tali looks down at it, trying to let it pierce the haze of remembering. “Hey. It’s okay. It’s alright to be upset.”

It’s alright. Tali snorts. “My father wouldn’t agree. We don’t have time for sentimentality. We didn’t have time to come here at all, honestly. He would’ve been upset with me for letting my feelings overcome my duty.”

“Hey.” The hand on Tali’s shoulder slides down her arm to interlace their fingers together, three and five. “You’re allowed to care. He cared about you. He didn’t know how to show it, but he did. You care about him, still. You care about your people, about our crew. And that’s a good thing. That means you’ll do what you can to protect as many of them as you can.”

“They didn’t want me to come home.” An unfamiliar person emerges from the apartment door, looks between the two of them, and heads off down the hall without a word. Tali moves back up the corridor, Pippa trailing behind, so they won’t be right in front of someone’s door anymore. She tries again. “They didn’t want me to come home. They were using me as a prop, a piece in someone else’s game.” Her voice is rising, and she doesn’t care to stop it. “They stripped my ship name, Shepard!”

“I know. But you don’t have to accept their reasoning for it.” Pippa leans against the wall below a sign in Khelish telling her not to do exactly that.

Tali narrows her eyes. “How do you mean?”

“The ones who voted to strip your ship name wanted you to feel like you didn’t belong. Like you had no home, no one to stand with you. But you do, Tali, you have so many people who stand with you! And multiple homes!” So quickly she looks like she’ll topple over, Pippa stands up straight away from the wall, hands spread for emphasis. “Raan did what she could for you, Reegar and Veetor spoke up for you. They gave you the Normandy in your name in quarian fashion - that’s not a thing any other species does, you know that. You belong in both places. Both, and. Not neither.” Embarrassed, like she wasn’t expecting that speech to pop out of her, she leans back against the wall.

You belong in both places. No one’s ever made it sound like that could be possible. You go on Pilgrimage, you come home and you stay home. Or you don’t, and you never come home again. But Pippa - the same ridiculous human that Tali followed by chance two years ago, who’s come back from the dead at the hands of a terrorist organization Tali couldn’t hate more if she tried - Pippa thinks it doesn’t have to be like that. She can have a human ship name, an entirely non-quarian crew...and still belong to the Fleet. Two homes.

It’ll take some time to get used to that idea.

“You stood for me, too.” She nudges Pippa with her shoulder. “Don’t forget yourself.”

Another blush spreads across Pippa’s pale cheeks. “Well, yeah. I thought that was a given. Or at least, it’s a given to me.”

“It means a lot, though.” Tali takes a deep breath. “I’m glad to be part of your crew.”

The blush deepens. “I am too, Tali. Um, glad you’re part of the crew.” She looks back at the apartment door, closed now. “You ready to go home? Wait, shit, sorry. You ready to go back to the Normandy?”

Five minutes ago, Tali would’ve appreciated the correction. It still grates a little. But…

“Let’s go home.” She can have both. Or at least she can try.

[drabbles-mc]

Protective Detail (1/?)

Nestor Oceteva x Reader

Shout-out to @masterlistforimagines ​ for encouraging me, and helping me brainstorm to write this fic based on This Post from @my-rosegold-soul ​ 😂👀😍 

Warnings: language, mentions of kidnapping, bruises

Word Count: 2.8k

A/N: This is my first time writing for Nestor, so hopefully I do alright with that lol.  This is gonna be a multi-chap fic. So like??? Semi-slow burn in that regard. Stay tuned 👀👀 Also, Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate. This year I'm thankful for Gino's braids 😂

Chapter Index

Taglist?? I’ve never written for Nestor so I don’t really have a list lol. But if you wanna get tagged in future chapters of this fic totally comment or message me or something and I’ll make sure it happens.

You huffed, rolling your eyes, “I don’t need a fucking babysitter, Papi,” you were standing on the opposite side of the table from your father, who was not looking amused at all with the attitude you were giving him.

“And I told you that you don’t get to make that call, mija,” his tone was level but you could see it in his eyes that he was not going to let you win this argument.

“You don’t need to do this,” you leaned forward onto the table, palms flat, “I’m fine.”

He eyed the bruise on your cheek, knowing that that was the only one he could see, but it was far from the only mark on you. It had been just short of a week since a group of men had tried to kidnap you. It came with the territory of being the daughter of a cartel leader, but it had never really hit that close to home before. Your father was shaken up, and understandably so. But every time he had brought up either getting you out of town for a little while, or setting you up with your own personal security, you forcefully shot down the idea.

“What was the point of teaching me how to defend myself if you’re just going to pack me up and ship me off the second things get a little rough?”

He raised one eyebrow, “A little rough? Mija, they tried to kidnap you.”

“And they failed.”

“I don’t want to push our luck. Why is that such a problem for you?”

“Because I’m too old to have a babysitter. And I sure as hell don’t want to owe any favors to Miguel fucking Galindo,” you rolled your eyes at the mere thought of it.

Your father sighed, knowing that you didn’t have much use for his business counterpart. He had never done or said anything directly to you to make you dislike him so much, but whatever vibe he put off in your direction wasn’t one that you liked, and you had never been good at pretending to like people if you didn’t. You could suck it up just enough to be civil, but nothing more. The fact that he would be the one supplying your security didn’t sit right with you.

“Why can’t one of your guys just stake out my house or something?” you tried to meet him halfway.

“They’re all busy dealing with everything that led to you getting kidnapped.”

“Almost,” you corrected.

He sighed, “Almost kidnapped. I know you aren’t happy about it, but my mind is made up. Besides, he said that he’s sending one of his best men.”

“If he’s one of the best why doesn’t Miguel want to keep him?” you finally collapsed in the chair across from your father, putting you both on the same level.

Your father smirked slightly, “Because he owes me a favor.”

You chuckled, shaking your head. You appreciated that as you got older, your father was more honest with you about everything within reason. It helped both of you for you not to be completely in the dark. For a long time, he worried it was going to make you more worried, but if anything, you appreciated knowing what kinds of things you were up against. You hated feeling unprepared more than anything else in the world.

“So, who is this mysterious, top-of-the-line babysitter that you have found for me?” you finally asked, conceding to what your father wanted.

Your father laughed and shook his head for a moment before calling out, “Nestor, come in here please.”

You turned your body in your chair so you could get a better look at the door. The door opened slowly and you couldn’t help but to raise your eyebrows as you took in the sight of the man who had just entered the room. You mentally went back through the few memories you had of Miguel and you realized that you had definitely seen this man before. He was never far if the Galindos were around. You’d never heard him speak, though—he had always been a silent presence. You definitely weren’t expecting him to be the person who got loaned out to you for the foreseeable future.

“I don’t think you two have ever officially met,” your father waved him over, “Nestor, this is my daughter, Y/N. Y/N, this is Nestor. He’s going to be keeping you safe for a while.”

You politely shook Nestor’s hand, understanding that this situation wasn’t his doing. You gave your father a pointed look, “I keep myself safe.”

He sighed, knowing that you got your stubbornness from him, “He’s going to help you, then.”

You could tell that Nestor was trying not to smile watching the two of you interact. He kept a fairly straight face but his eyebrows raised slightly as he took in how blunt you were with a man that he had grown to respect, and also fear.

“Do I at least get to stay in my own house?” you looked at your father.

He nodded, “Unless something else happens that makes that a bad idea, yes, you can stay in your house.”

“Thank you,” you nodded as you stood up out of your seat. You walked around the table and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, “Te quiero, Papi. I’ll talk to you later.”

He smiled, “Te quiero. Be safe.”

You laughed as you followed Nestor to the door, “How could I not at this point?” you nodded in Nestor’s direction.

The two of you exited your father’s house. Your face took on a confused expression as you looked for your car. It had been parked right outside your father’s front door and now it was nowhere to be found. You looked over at Nestor.

“Is my car being gone your doing?”

He shook his head, “Your father’s. He asked me to drive you so he had some of his men take the car back to your house.”

You sighed but didn’t say anything more as the two of you walked over to Nestor’s SUV. Granted, his car was much nicer than yours but that wasn’t the point. You wanted this to intrude on your life as little as possible and having him driving you around everywhere in his big flashy car wasn’t exactly in any of your plans.

Most of the drive passed in silence. You wanted to reach and turn the radio on but something in you said that Nestor wasn’t the kind of man who would be caught singing on the job. You looked out the window as you settled back into your seat more, fighting the urge to put your feet up on the dashboard.

“So, what’d you do to piss of Miguel and get put on babysitting duty?” you finally asked.

You looked over and saw his body tense up, “I’m not your babysitter.”

You chuckled, “Would you prefer that I tell people you’re my bodyguard?”

He took his eyes off the road for a moment so he could look over at you, “You don’t have to tell people anything about me.”

The sternness in his tone made you feel small and it caught you a little off-guard. It was going to be interesting to have him be a constant pair of eyes on you. You didn’t know how to feel about having someone who was essentially a stranger being stuck to you like glue.

Silence took over the car again and it stayed that way until he pulled into your driveway. You hopped out of the car, not bothering to wait for him to come and open the door for you. You caught a quick glimpse of his expression and there was the smallest of smiles on his lips for a moment before he went back to his stoic expression.

“I have no idea how this is supposed to work, Nestor,” you admitted honestly as you unlocked the front door, “Are you, like, living here with me now?”

He shrugged, “Would you prefer that?”

You swallowed hard as you crossed the threshold of your home. The impulsive hormonal part of your brain was screaming that you would most definitely prefer that. But you tried very hard not to let that part of you win out.

“I wouldn’t be sleeping in your bed with you, don’t worry,” he offered up with a chuckle.

You felt your face get hot and you tried to play it off, “I figured as much. Besides,” you smirked, “my dad would slaughter you.”

“I don’t doubt that at all.”

“I mean,” you awkwardly stood in your living room, feeling like you should be offering him something, “I have a guest room if you’d want to stay here. Not like it’s getting much use otherwise. Makes more sense than you constantly going back and forth.”

He nodded, not really giving off much emotion either way, “That’s fine. I can have someone bring some of my things by.”

You were about to tell him that he might as well go and pick his things up himself, but leaving you alone on day one would not look good for the whole “personal security” thing. Instead, you offered to give him a quick tour of the house. If he was going to have to protect you, he might as well know where everything was.

“You can hang out here while you’re waiting for your stuff,” you gestured to the living room, “I have every streaming service under the sun,” you grabbed two beers out of the fridge, “You allowed to drink on the job?”

He shook his head as he sat down on the couch, “I am, but I’m good. Thank you.”

You shrugged, tossing one bottle back into the fridge before opening one for yourself. You sat down on the opposite end of the couch from him and waited. You wanted him to choose something to watch, solely so you could try to figure out more of what kind of person you were dealing with. He picked up that you had started a game of chicken, and with a heavy sigh he reached forward and picked up your controller.

“You actually game with this or do you just use it to watch stuff?” he asked as he scrolled through your apps.

You laughed, “Not gaming like you’re thinking.”

The two of you were a few episodes deep into Community when Nestor’s phone started ringing. He looked down and stood up, heading towards the door without bothering to answer the call. When he came back inside, he had a bag in each hand and walked past you to the guest room without a word. You sat on the couch, fidgeting slightly with your hands. All you could think about was the fact that you had no idea how this was supposed to work. It wasn’t like the two of you were friends and he was going to be crashing with you for a while. You knew nothing about him and now he was living at your house. You had no idea how to have a full conversation with him, which was rare. You didn’t know what it was about him that made all of your words get caught in your throat.

A few minutes later he came back out and sat down on the couch again. Silence filled the space between you outside the noise from the television. You glanced down at the time on your phone and right as you did, your stomach growled.

“So, do you eat?” you asked.

He looked over at you, one eyebrow raised, “I’m only allowed one meal a week.”

You laughed, face heating up over the entire interaction, “Am I allowed to order off Grubhub? Or is that a security no-no?”

“If you want to order something we can go pick it up,” it was his nice way of saying that delivery wasn’t an option for the time being.

“The whole point of ordering in, is not having to leave the house. Aren’t I safer if I’m here anyway?”

“And having strangers come here all the time?”

“Why don’t you just tell me all the things I can and can’t do?” you rolled your eyes.

“It’s not my decision,” he was firm, but his voice didn’t get loud, “It’s your father’s. I get you don’t like this but there’s no getting out of it now.”

“I’m sorry,” you offered up honestly, “I’m just…not used to being on a leash.”

He chuckled, “I see that.”

You stood up with a sigh and made your way over to the kitchen, “I’ll pull something together.”

“You really don’t want to leave the house that much?” you could hear the amusement in his voice.

“I really don’t,” you perused your cabinets, not making eye contact as you asked him, “Which reminds me, can we use my car when we leave here from now on? I feel like it’s a little more discreet.”

He sighed, “Let me guess, you want to drive?”

That made you look over at him, “Would you let me?”

“I’ll answer that more definitively after I survive one ride with you behind the wheel.”

Throughout the evening you could feel that both of you were trying to figure each other out. Nestor seemed like he was a very tightly closed book, though. You couldn’t get much of a read on him and you weren’t sure how you felt about it. You felt like he had caught you a few too many times just staring at him, trying to pull information out of his brain just by looking at him.

After you put all of the dishes in the sink, you went and took a shower and changed into a baggy t-shirt and shorts to go to bed in. You said goodnight to Nestor, who was still on the couch, scrolling on his phone. You said to let you know if you had any questions or anything but other than that you would see him in the morning. You felt weird just leaving him out in the living room like that, but you supposed that that was what he was there to do.

You woke up in the middle of the night, dying for a piece of chocolate and a glass of water. You quietly opened your door and tip-toed down the hall to get to your kitchen. You knew your house like the back of your hand so there was no need to turn the lights on and risk waking Nestor up. You were rooting through your cabinets when you heard the unmistakable click of a gun.

Instinctively, you turn around and pushed the person’s arms hard, attempting to knock the gun out of the person’s hand but at the very least have it not pointed at you anymore. You were centimeters away from kicking in their kneecap when you heard Nestor’s voice through the silence.

“It’s me,” he sounded exhausted but he was still alert enough to not let you try to beat him up.

“Jesus Christ,” you sighed as you reached over and flipped the light on, “What the fuck?”

“Why are you shuffling around in the dark?” he put the safety back on his gun and set it down before reaching and wiping his face, attempting to wake up a little more, “I thought someone broke in.”

“I was trying not to wake you up.”

“You didn’t succeed,” he leaned against the counter.

“I see that,” you returned your attention to the cupboard and pulled out two small wrapped candy, “Chocolate?” you offered him a piece.

He huffed but he still took it from you and ate it. You chuckled to yourself as you lifted yourself up to sit on the countertop. While you were sitting you leaned over and filled a cup with water, taking a long drink from it before returning your attention to Nestor. You stared at him for a moment, realizing that this was the first time you had ever seen him in anything besides the nice clothes that he wore for work. He was in a baggy, white long-sleeve shirt and a pair of black sweatpants. You had a feeling that that image was going to be burned into your mind forever, but you shook your head to dispel the thoughts.

“From now on I will make as much obvious noise as possible when I get up in the middle of the night.”

He chuckled, shaking his head, “Goodnight, Y/N.”

You smiled, lightly swinging your legs back and forth, “Goodnight.”

You watched him disappear down the hall before returning your attention to the kitchen. You hopped down off the counter and noticed that all of the dishes that had been in the sink were washed and sitting in the drying board. You smiled to yourself as you looked at the spot where Nestor had just been.