#and like my friends at school talk ALOT and I’m completely engaged I just don’t make noises and they think somethings wrong but there’s not

[hey-op-just-kill-me]

So somethings just kinda hitting me now. It’s hella fucking easy to accommodate someone who is nonverbal and people just choose not to. Idk why it’s a strange concept for people that I just go days without talking sometimes and there’s no reason for it.

[wornoutmouse]

Im making this gender neutral cause I feel like I did pretty damn good here. And it had a bit of a fairytale ending but I couldn't figure how else to tie it up prettily

Also tried of tumbler adding gaps to all the paragraphs when i copy and paste from docs to here so y'all just gonna have to deal. this fic is way too damn long for me to fix it like i normally do

Also i went over the aparent limit so just look for the words "pt2" in green for the extension

Letting go is one of the hardest things one can do. But understanding why you had to let go is harder.

You and Izuku knew each other for the longest time. Hell you were the one that lifted him back up when Bakugou knocked him down. So why…. Why after all that were you not good enough?

He never said you weren't, he'd never do that. But the worthlessness you felt as you watched her hand him a love letter. You thought, he won't accept, afterall she's one of the many girls and guys that had confessed since the beginning of U.A. Hell you were surprised Ochaco even had the guts to confess.

But the small blush and smile that overcame his face as he finished reading the letter, was one you've never seen before. In that moment you wished you'd decline coming with him for support.

The sick feeling in your stomach grew larger as they hugged each other tightly. That sickness translated into a smile when he looked back at you.

From then on, your sunny disposition was a fabrication of what once was. You didn't hate her, you even saw the appeal, having the slightest crush on her as well. You just hated that he chose her. Was the years of companionship worthless?

As the two grew closer, you grew farther and buried yourself in training and school work. Days went by, months, and by the time graduation came, you were all 3rd years.  You and Deku had become nothing more than aquaintences.

The others tried to stop your descent into isolation, Including you in everything they did, ut it wasn't the same.

"Hey Y/n." You wiped your sweat with the towel around your neck. You'd been at it for most of the day and had shed most of your clothes. Izuku was dressed casual for once and looked gorgeous in the setting sun.

"Yes Midoriya?" Ouch. When did you start calling him that? You couldn't quite remember. Deku looked over the trees, green hair blowing with fall wind. "You know we haven't hung out in a while." You took a drink of water as you sat on a fallen log. "Oh really?" 

That came out harsher than needed and you both knew it. "Since we are graduating tomorrow, I was wondering if you would join us for once as a last farewell. 

You didn't miss the undertone in the last comment. Deku watched in silence as you put your tank top back on. "I don't think I can make it."

Izuku's fists clenched as he glared at the floor. "Why?" You eyed his fists,"I have other things to do." Deku scoffed, "Give me a break, school is over what more do you have to do?!" "More important stuff than partying."

There was a change in the air and at the last minute, you jumped back as Deku's foot slammed down in the floor causing a sizable crater. "Stop lying Y/N! What could you possibly have to do that's more important than hanging out with your friends?! Don't you understand that this is the last time we'll have this much free time to see each other!?"

A small smirk crawled onto your face. 'Still a crybaby huh?'  tears trailed down Deku's face as he looked at you, "We haven't talked in years y/n." You would not break, this was for the best, you would not fall back into this cycle. "We talked this morning." "Hello is not a conversation y/n"

"What do you want me to do then Izuku?" 

Nothing, just like you expected. "Listen Deku, Sometimes, people grow apart and..." You have to take a deep breath, cause if you don't you'd break all over again. "Sometimes we just have to accept it." 

Izuku says nothing more and leaves, heartheavy. During the party,  Izuku spent his time with Uraraka, both day-dreaming about their future, though Izuku wasn't as engaged as he usually was. You sat alone in the common room, looking down at the feastivities below. Mr. Aizawa was the only one who noticed.

As a pro hero you stayed in a moderate range in regards to popularity. About the same level that Mt. Lady and Kamui Woods used to be. 

Watching Bakugou and Midoriya's ranking teeter back and forth like hot potato was amusing as the fiery blond would call you to complain since he knew you would simply listen.

Your love life was non-existent besides the occasional fling with a cute chick at a bar or a himbo™ at the local gym. You weren't looking for anything sold anyways and that was not only due to your hero work, but because no one peaks your interests.

The gang of course flocked together in regards to their love lives. Kaminari and Jiro were finally a thing. Momo and Todoroki were dropping hints to each other but they are both a bunch of oblivious bimbos and that is not going to change anytime soon. 

Tsu and surprisingly Mineta prefered the bachelor life and worked hard on building their teams. You were greatly surprised when Mineta asked you to come to his house and genuinely asked your opinion on trainees. 

Unlike the rest, Mina, Kirishima and Bakugou, were trying to figure out the ins and outs of a poly relationship. Bakgou of course being the word if reason as the other two goofed around.

 All was in its place as you all conformed to your new adult lives. You had no faint clue where the other boys were besides Kouji's and Satou's engagement.

It was a Thursday evening when you walked into your condo, shuffling through your mail until a white envelope with gold trimming for your attention. 

You are invited….

Of course how could you forget Deku and Uraraka. When was the last time you saw those two? Most likely the last day of school. How the hell did they get your address?

You tossed the envelope on the couch and walked to your kitchen to get a bottle of wine. You spent that evening drinking the petty thoughts away, altering between cursing Ochako, to reminiscing on how they were truly a match made in heaven.

By 4 in the evening, you were beyond tipsy and could barely stand to answer the door when the bell rung. 

"Whatdoya want Midoriya?" You said, leaning a little too far to the left. Deku looked at you with concerned eyes. "Are you drunk y/n?" Your roll your eyes and turn around, walking back into your home. "What does it look like?" 

You slump on the couch as Deku walks throughout your home. He was alot bigger  than you remembered. His curly green hair was almost touching your ceiling as he looked at your disheveled body.

"I'm just here to make sure you got my invitation." You tug the envelope from where it fell between the cushion and wavs it in front of your face. Izuku acknowledged it as he sat down, "Well are you coming?"

You shrugged your shoulders as you reach for your glass. Izuku tried to take it away and you smack his hand. Even though you could taste the unresolved tension, you wanted to make things a bit lighter. "I don't know deku, what's the theme? If it's green then I can't come, you know that clashes with my complexion."

He doesn't laugh, not even a smile. Oh well not your problem. The bottle is empty much to your disappointment as you held the opening over your mouth. Deku sits there, fists on his knees as he makes a conflicted face. "How many bottles have you drunk?"

You slap his back, slightly impressed that his solid form didn't move. "Oh calm down worry wort!" A lazy grin comes over your face and a teasing tone slips into your voice. "I'm not an alcoholic...mmm, yet."

You both sat in silence, Deku swirling in his own emotions for  seeing you this way. You looked completely fine on the surface but he knew you better. They all knew you better. Bakugou's weekly gossip visits were nothing more than a check on your personal health.  Even Mineta had to pitch in.

"Hey Deku?" You looked off into thin air as you spoke but Izuku hung off your every word. 

"Can you kiss me?"

Deku didn't mean to stand up the way he did. You didn't react, you expected it if anything. "Y/n, you know I can't do that. Why would you even ask!?" You rubbed your eyes to rid yourself of the smallest threat of tears. You weren't an emotional drunk and you weren't going to start being one now.

"Mm just thought that if you did, maybe I could get over this fuzzy feeling in ma'chest." Deku blushed, from what you. didn't know, but you did notice how he sat back next to you, closer than before. "If I do…..will you come?"

I was going to come either way idiot

"I'll think about it."

Your lidded eyes picked up on the smallest movements and you shivered as Izuku held your chin between his fingers. The kiss was gentle and nothing more than a simple press. You would have been fine with that, that's all you wanted. What you weren't expecting was for Deku to continue.

You could feel your chest flair with the familiar discomfort of things being out of your control. His rough hands came home to your face as he deepened the kiss. You couldn't help but let out a small whimper as his tongue swiped against your bottom lip and he took that chance to delve deeper.

No

You pushed him away and stood. You both looked at each other, darkened eyes and veins fluttering with adrenaline. "Why?" you whispered, voice betraying you as it cracked. Izuku held his fist over his heart where you pushed him. "I..I did what you asked." You shook your head.

No, no this is wrong

Izuku stands up and tries to console you. The words that left his lips unrecognizable.

It's over isn't it?

"Y/n calm down please and let's talk." You put your hands over your ears. "You're so selfish." You wheezed. Why was the room getting darker?

It's over isn't it?

Strong hands grip your arms and you scrape them off. "Get out."

You won and he chose you

As a last resort, Deku tries to kiss you again, holding you close back your lower back, even daring to nibble your lips as he pulls away. "Y/n can you please focus!?" Why was he making it worse? You are not a home wrecker!!

And he loves you so he's gone

Izuku helplessly watched you fall into your own thoughts as you gripped the wall so hard your knuckles turned white. 

It's over isn't it?

You blindly stumble into your room and close the door, falling against it.

Why can't I move on?

Izuku tested his forehead against the door, trying to listen for any sign of life, even a heart beat. On the other side you fall into a dreamless sleep.

War and Glory

It rained on their wedding day. And in the worst way possible or made the ceremony even more beautiful as light drops of water tangled itself in Uraraka's veil. 

The pictures were to die for and so was the food. "Y/n come on, take a picture with me!" You sip some champagne and prepare yourself for your sin  free facade as you walk over to the new bride.

Her dress was gorgeous yet modest, one would confuse this gathering for a party since you were forced to wear white  with her and Deku despite you explaining  how weddings worked.

You kneeled to adjust to her height as she held the camera the highest she could. "You want me to do it?"  You took the phone and held it above you. Ochaco pouted as you dwarfed her and gripped her small hands on the front of your clothes.

She smelt of strawberry's and soap. 

Reinvention

Before you could pull away, she tugged your down as she came to whisper in your ear. "I know." She pulled away with the same small smile she wore since the day began. Your face mirrored one of fright and she quickly noticed.

She raised her hands in surrender as she tried to calm you down. "Hey what's that face for, it's fin-" you flinched as she reached out to touch you. Backing up, you ran into Deku who quickly held onto you to prevent you from falling.

You do your best to calmly untangle yourself from him, but subsequently jumping away as if you were on fire. The newly weds shared a look and you shivered as they both narrowed their eyes at you. Focused the same way they were when on a mission.

Fusion

Walking through the crowd of fans and distant family was no hard feat as you headed to the hotel the wedding was taking place behind. The two followed you and you tried your damnedest not to simply run.

You had almost made it out conservation free but Deku's hand quickly slapped on the side of the door before you could close it and he forced his way in as a limping Ochaco followed behind. "Come on Y/N, these heels are uncomfortable!" 

You could feel tears falling down your face as you backed away from the two. It wasn't out of fear, but shame. Shame that you had feelings for your friend. Shame that you kissed a taken and engaged man. Shame that his  wife knew.

"Y/n calm down it's fine, I don't mind!" You looked at her with confusion and bristled as Deku came closer. "I told her the day after it happened." You focus on Ochaco, preparing yourself for any physical attacks the small woman might deem necessary. "I'm sorry Ochaco, I-I didn't mean for it t-to happen."

Anger at the memory filled your brain and you almost didn't notice small hands taking hold of yours.

Her attention

"It's okay Y/N." Ochaco smiled warmly at you, bringing your hands to her lips as she kissed them gently. "I don't mind, infact this was the goal for a long time." You look at Deku for some coherent conversation, "What is she talking about."

Izuku blushed, "We've been trying to get your attention since highschool. We knew how you felt and didn't mind you joining us like Kachan, Kiri, and Mina." A steely gaze with the power of Aizawa's death glare, casted over Izuku's face, "But you kept running."

Ochaco waved her hands to divert the sudden hostile energy. "Anyways, we were planning on announcing it at the flower toss." Ochaco reached into her bussom and pulled out a small jewelry case. Inside it held a silver ring, strikingly similar to the one she now wore on her left hand.

"I know we really haven't got to get to know each other that well. And I know your feelings don't lie for me but, if you would like…" Deku gingerly plucked the ring from Uraraka's hands and the both lowered to their knees. (Ochaco with more effort as the fluff of her dress almost tipped her over)

Oop looks like i went over the limit?

[descendantofthesparrow]

the D3 outfits and designs look like they belong on 30 year olds, not 17-20 year olds

this was said by @darkprinceofdarkness​ on the descendants discord but i wanted to bring it up here, rn I'm redesigning almost ALL the descendants d3 outfits, including making some brand new ones for new characters for my rewrite, and in looking at the D3 outfits, i remembered what darkpinceofdarkness had said last month (aka ash so imma just call em ash now so i dont have keep typing their tumblr name)  they had said that the designs seemed to fit better on the actors, and not the characters, as in that the designs seemed they were made for 25-30 year olds (the age that most of the actors were at at the time) instead of 17-20 year olds that the characters were aged at.

 i mean look at Mals outfit for the talk with beast, belle, and FG, it doesn't seem right for her,

 its too simple, to plain, there's nothing going on, it looks like she's a wine mom, she looks like she's dressing up as an old ass boring adult when she's just gotten out of her teens 3/10 burn it

and again when hades comes to wake up Audrey 

boring colors, boring texture, boring hair, boring shoes, again, nothing interesting going on, i feel like im looking at a (again) 30 year old wine mom instead of a young adult that just graduated from HIGH SCHOOL 3/10 would gag

now there's her engagement/getting the vks dress

while its one of her best outfits of D3 it still feels....old to me, like, i feel like yes this is still young adult, but not 19 years old young adult, more 23-26 young adult. i think it might be the neckline and form of the dress, the coloring and the textures are nice and i think they do fit well with Mal, but overall, it still feels like something someone over 22 would wear, not a 19 year old. i understand Mal is stepping into the role of a lady/queen, but shes 19, not 30, give her fun clothes! give her ripped denim, give her spray painted leather, give her pins, let her chop her hair short, leggings under shorts! loose tops, t-shirts, spiked chokers, jeans, sneakers, hoodies, just ANYTHING other than loose-form fitting 40 year old woman who doesn't know how to style herself and listens a YouTube video about how to color match your clothes-clothes!!! anyway 6/10 its okay but would def NOT wear

before we continue i would like to say Kara Saun is a great designer...but she wasn't the greatest fit to design for a series about teenagers. anyway onto good to be bad!

now good to be bad, is probably my favorite Mal design out of all of D3, it looks like Mal took a paint brush and her spray paint and just went ham on it, which is perfect, because that suits her (original) character! its all over the place, yet it seems planned, its a mess of colors yet it seems as if they were meticulously  picked! Mals original character was someone while they seemed they had no plan, they had millions of them floating through their head, or they seemed to have a plan but they were just mentally going “fuck it what happens happens” and that unfortunately seemed to be drained from her as the movies went on and someone fucked up by trying to make her a perfect character, which made her completely horrible, in the first movie, her not thinking things all the way through (Ben and the love spell and how that would end) was more endearing than completely annoying and frustrating, D1 Mal, when she didn't think things through, ended up floundering over herself but trying to come up with a quick solution (when the quilt trip FG with Jane plan failed, Mal groaned for a moment then immediately went to her spell book for another plan) yet D2 and D3 Mal, if her plan didn't go her way she got upset, and blamed her fault on other people, even if why her plan failed was completely her fault (the barrier closing thing; she tried to push the blame onto just wanting to protect her cushy life, where if she was written correctly, she would have taken blame and acknowledged that she had doomed the rest of the isle kids and actually apologized for lying to Uma and her friends, instead of saying “she had no choice” (yes you did bish you just didn't want to do any actual work) anyway enough of analyzing Mals horribly written character back to the outfits, so ill sum up Mal’s gttb look, its funky, its fun, its colorful, her jacket is not tight fitting and has a fun tail, popped open collar, its just overall a cute outfit. 8/10 wouldn't wear but it looks like something a punk alt young adult would wear.

so her outfit for Janes party....okay yea i like this one

its splotchy, its denim, its loose yet form fitting, hell i would wear it (minus the shoes)  it feels like something a 15-19 year old feminine presenting person would wear to a party! which guess what! she is! shes going to a party! the only thing i would change is to possibly give her shorts or calf ending cargo pants, and change her open toed heels to wedged sneakers. other wise 8.5/10 would wear.

her motorcross gear.

i...dont like it, its super tight fitting, her butt in every single shot that usually just has Mal in it with her facing towards the camera is reaaaally obvious and its just...iahsiodhasid bad, is bad. her boots are clunky as fuck and hardly practical at all and for what she was planning to do with them makes no sense and girl get the fuck over your height complex.(clunky boots are cute but...girl...come on...) and it seems like its suited for a person in their mid twentys instead of a 19 year old. its hard for me to say exactly why i dont like it (also i will say, if you like tight fitting clothes, fucking go for it, you rock that shit, it just...doesn't look good on Mal and its a fukin kids series, and  the camera loved Mals butt and i was always like “yo camera man, pan up a bit why dont cha”)but i feel like if Mals pants weren't all a shiny tight fabric, i might like them a bit more but its all one thing and all one shade with different tones. like, comon, pockets guys, they are a thing, and put them on her butt so it derives from it when its in the shots.

i hate hate hate the hades color shift, because at least with the green/purple it had two shades and broke up the outfit but now...

its just blue and purple...there's like...nothing breaking up the tones or pieces of the outfit and now its all just tones of blue and purple that you cant tell apart and you have no clue where it begins or it ends and its ugly. 5/10 its better than her “fancy” talk shit but still burn it and keep it away from me. 

and now the dreaded outfit...her engagement party dress.

*shivers* its just...so bad, everything is just so tight and stiff that it just doesn't...feel like a real dress, it looks like it belongs on a doll, i don't even think a 30 year old wine mom would wear this its just so bad. Even the long version of the open skirt (which is impossible to find on google) doesn't flow like it should, its stiff and keeps its form the entire time, and when you want a long flowing engagement party dress made for a princess? that's not a good thing, whatever fabric they used was not a good one and they should never use it again...the texture on the dress is awful too. i think the only thing i like about this abomination is her tiara...that's it, that's all i like, and only because its so much better then that foam garbage that was her dragon dress crown. 0/10 fucking erase it from existence.

i was going to do Evies outfits but i feel like i took too much space up on Mal...i have alot to say on this abomination of an Evie “outfit”

what is this WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! EVIE YOU ARE 19 NOT A FUCKING 40 YEAR OLD REALTOR?!

so i might do a whole post just for Evies “outfits” 

[heywardsarchive]

can you write a charlie weasley christmas one? i honestly don’t mind what happens but he’s so underrated and underwriter. (also can fred still be alive please 🥺)

i made it a New Year fic i hope thats ok! 

New Year’s Kiss

summary: after an unhappy breakup, Charlie Weasley meets his ex lover at a new years party hosted by his parents.

Pairing: Charlie Weasley x female reader

Warnings: sorta angsty but fluffy.

Word count: 1.9k words

***

Y/n sighed as she smoothened her woolen sweater, reaching the oak door of the Weasley house. As she reached out to knock the door, it burst open and the Weasley matriarch pulled y/n into her arms. "Hello mrs Weasley." She said, still in the hug. "Can't breathe." She muttered. "Oh sorry sorry." Mrs Weasley broke the hug and smiled up at the girl.

"It's been years since you last came dear, don't you miss us?" She asked, a warm look in her eyes. "I miss all of you alot mrs Weasley, but work is stressful and I barely get any breaks." Y/n answered. She raised an eyebrow at the girl. "Are you sure that it has nothing to do with your break up with Charlie?" "It has nothing to do with that." Y/n protested.

Mrs Weasley nodded and ushered y/n into the house where all the Weasley kids (minus Charlie and Bill) were seated in the living room engaged in a game of exploding snap. Ginny's head shot up, she saw y/n and a huge smile spread across her face. Ginny saw y/n as the older sister she never had. Although she had graduated a few years before ginny started Hogwarts, ginny had become quite close to y/n when she was dating Charlie and often kept in touch with her through letters.

"Y/n! You're here!" Ginny got up and ran to give y/n a hug. "Of course I'm here, why did you think I wouldn't come?" She ruffled the younger girl's red hair. "Because you knew Charlie would be here." She shrugged. Ginny may have been only 12 years old but she was pretty smart. Y/n laughed nervously and sat down beside fred at the table.

"So boys, what new pranks have you come up with?" Y/n asked the twins. Theh excitedly explained their latest invention and its side effects. "So y/n how's st. Mungos treating you?" Percy asked. "stressful. But it's totally worth it." Everyone continued making small talk for a while until Charlie Weasley entered the living room. He dusted the soot off of himself from the furnace.

Y/n made eye contact with the second Weasley boy and immediately looked away and walked to the kitchen to mrs Weasley. "Do you need my help mrs Weasley?" She asked. Mrs Weasley smiled warmly at the girl. "No dear, go out and enjoy with the kids." "But I want to help." She insisted. "Oh alright, you can set the table and make the boys clear out the mess they created." She instructed.

Y/n picked up the plates and charmed them to levitate behind her as she made the boys clear the mess left behind by their game of exploding snap. After a few minutes of coaxing, the table was cleared and set. Harry and Hermione had also arrived and were busy chatting with Ron.

After a few minutes of conversation with the trio, y/n excused herself and walked out into the backyard. The weather was cold and she pulled her jacket closer to her body. "It's cold isn't it." Came a deep voice from behind her. "Yeah, it is." She replied, not turning around to see who it belonged to. Although in a few moments she would regret that decision.

"Hey." It said again. Y/n turned around completely this time and seeing the person infront of her, she decided to walk back into the house, not interested in having a conversation with him at the moment. "Goodbye."

"Wait." He said holding her wrist, stopping her from moving. "What do you want?" She said irritatedly. "To talk." Charlie replied, hands in his pocket. "There's nothing to talk about!"  She said exasperated. "I want to apologize." He said, looking down. "For what? You broke my heart, over a letter! You didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face. And now you want to apologize? After 3 years!" Y/n's face was red, with the cold or with anger, we'll never know.  She pulled her wrist sharply from his grip. "But-" Charlie started. "But nothing." Y/n said sharply.

"Just hear me out. Please." He looked at her pleadingly. "Fine. You have 2 minutes." The (h/c) girl crossed her arms.

"You have no idea how hard it was for me to break up with you. But I had got a job in Romania and you we're so close to being a healer. I didn't want to destroy your dreams but making mine more important. I didn't think long distance would work. We would be so wrapped up in our work, we would have no time for each other. And besides, I was falling so deep in love with you I couldn't bear to be far from you. I couldn't bear to see your face when I broke up with you. It would break me more than I already was broken." Charlie finished with a sigh. He was playing with his fingers, unable to meet the eyes of the girl in front of him.

"I wish you would have told me that sooner." Y/n whispered, taking Charlie's hands in hers. "We would have worked something out, we both could have been saved from heartbreak." "I know, I feel like an idiot now." Charlie chuckled sadly. "It's probably too late for us now." He said sadly. "Not too late." She smiled. "I'm still mad at you though, you're not getting forgiven so fast." She punched his arm.

"You think there's still a chance for us?" Charlie said hopefully. "Yes I do." Y/n placed her forehead on his and smiled at him. "That's brilliant." He lifted the girl in his arms that had become very muscular after working in the dragon reserve, and spun her around. She giggled slightly wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Kids! It's almost midnight, gather round!" Rung molly Weasleys voice. "I guess it's time we head in." Charlie said, both of them still in an embrace. The two lovers walked with their fingers intertwined into the house. Everyone cheered seeing the them walk in and the couple blushed bashfully.

"5,4,3,2,1!" They all counted down. "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" They cheered. Everyone turned to their partners and pulled them into a kiss, those who didn't have a partner, pulled their friends into a hug.

Charlie turned to y/n and cupped her cheeks. He looked at her, asking for consent for a kiss (because consent is important kids) she nodded and closed the space between them. They pulled apart after what felt like an eternity and stared lovingly at eachother. "I still love you." They said together and then giggled at the statement like young school children.

The new year brought a new start for the both of them and they would surely cherish it. *** I was supposed to post this yesterday but I was too lazy to complete it so um enjoy this fic a little late😙

[jisungsmochi]

rich girl reader x caterer mark

(this sounds odd but idk how else to describe it HAHAHA)

your parents wanted to throw an extravagant party to celebrate your brother getting into college. yes. not a birthday party, or an engagement, but a college admission party. your family had too much money for your their own good and often wasted it on materialistic and highly expensive items. you couldn’t say you were any different. you weren’t unhappy with your living conditions and exorbitant lifestyle but you were unhappy with the way your parents often tossed you aside with their money. everytime you came home from school, visibly upset due to stress, your parents would just transfer money into your account, for ‘retail therapy’. everytime you racked up the bill at an expensive restaurants with your friends, your parents would cover the costs. it was a never ending cycle, that you wanted to stop at times.

you were sitting by the pool as the catering staff for your brother’s party had arrived to organise their set up. you watched as they all were trying to appease to your parent’s requests. you felt bad for them, that they had to change their usual ways of business in order to please your parents. you ignored most of the commotion, continuing to read the book you were trying to finish.

you were interrupted when a boy with fluffy black hair approached you, blocking the sunlight. you raised your head from your book,

‘may i help you?’ you asked, it coming out more rude than you intended.

‘ah yeah, do you live here? i can’t find the owners and i have some decorations but i’m not sure where they’re supposed to go’ he explained, running his hands through his hair, clearly tired from all the moving he has already done.

‘oh um yeah i’m their daughter, i’m sure you can just leave them here in the yard, and wait for them to come back. i’m sorry i’m not much help’ you have him a small smile before completely closing your book.

‘thankyou!’ he nodded before walking away. you watched as he and some of the other workers were unloading the items. you felt bad that they had to do such hard work on such a hot day. you ran inside, grabbing as many water bottles as you could, whilst asking your maid to cut up some fruit for the workers. she nodded at you as you headed back outside, only to be met with the boy from earlier, he was now sitting on the chair next to yours.

he looked up at you, smiling as he saw your hands full of bottles,

‘here let me help!’ he made his way towards you before placing the bottles all over the nearest table.

‘i got them for all you guys, and my maid is cutting some fruit, you all deserve a treat for your hard work’ you offered as he kindly took the water bottle you held in your hands and took a sip.

‘you’re pretty laid back compared to your parents, no offence’ he looked back at you, his comment made you chuckle.

‘i get that a lot actually’ you smiled before taking a seat next to him.

‘so this is your life? sitting by the pool and reading?’ he started, causing you to feel slightly embarrassed.

‘i mean, i guess so! i don’t really leave the house, we pretty much have everything here. my parents throw all these parties just for the sake of it, kinda takes away the whole, having fun part’ you ranted as he listened carefully, watching as your hands fidgeted with your words.

‘well i’m kinda thankful for this party, my parent’s business hasn’t been doing so well, and this party will help us out alot’ he commented as you looked back at him. his eyes sparkled in glee, you knew he was truly thankful.

‘i’m sorry to leave all of a sudden but there’s more stuff to set up.’ he slowly got up, not wanting to leave just yet.

‘oh it’s okay, can i get your number? you know, incase my family needs anything else’ you blurted, watching as he turned back to you, surprised at your words.

‘y-yeah sure’ he grabbed your phone from your hands and tapped away.

‘i’m mark, by the way’ he smirked, returning your phone. you felt a slight blush arise on your cheeks,

‘oh and i’m y/n! well uh i’ll see you later mark’ you waved before making your way back inside. he shook his head in amusement as he chuckled, he found you completely adorable. more than what meets the eye, that’s for sure.

you had only really called mark once, when you overheard your father being stressed about the desserts being served.

mark picked up almost instantly,

‘oh hey, y/n! what’s up?’ he spoke into the phone as you sat against your bedroom door, eavesdropping on the situation.

‘my dad is kinda stressed about what desserts you guys are serving, and i’m just calling so i can finally get him to relax’ you explained, hearing shuffling on his side.

‘ahh yes hold on a moment, i’m going to find the list my dad gave me! i’ll send a photo so you can show your dad’ mark quickly snapped a photo, texting it to you immediately.

‘thankyou so much! i’ll see you on saturday!’ you cheered as you hung up and went to dissolve your dad’s worries. you were thankful that mark was able to help you straight away, you couldn’t wait for saturday.

//

the party was in full swing, the caterers were efficiently serving the food as well as preparing for dessert. your brother was socialising with his friends, before he saw you and asked to talk.

‘hey sis’ he caught up to you, as you sat against the bar.

‘yes jeno?’ you sighed. even though you were both close, it was clear that he was your parent’s favourite. he was the classic jock, good grades, had a girlfriend, and just got into one of the best colleges, without my parent’s having to bribe them. he always made you feel inferior, unintentionally.

‘enjoying your night?’ he asked, sitting on the stool next to you.

‘could be better’ you shrugged as you took a sip from your drink.

‘yeah well how about you talk to that caterer guy? he seems to be checking you out’ jeno smirked, nudging your side as your eyes went to find mark. he was serving drinks to your aunts and uncles when he caught you looking and gave you a wave. you returned it before turning back to jeno.

‘not a chance, he’s just friendly’ you pushed aside, finishing your drink.

‘whatever you say, don’t get too wasted, otherwise mum and dad will kill you’ he wanted before heading off to talk to more of his friends.

as the night went on, you kicked yourself for not talking to mark. he was so busy, constantly walking around, you just wanted to catch him on a break. you found yourself back at the bar, ready for another drink.

‘hey, y/n’ you watched as mark shot you his adorable smile, as you sat yourself across from him.

‘your parents really know how to throw a party’ he commented, mixing a few drinks together before pouring the mixture into a glass.

‘yeah, i’m gonna predict that in another hour, the guests will all leave and it will be left to the staff to clean up’ you have him a solemn look, as he slowly nodded.

‘you look like you need a drink’ he tried to lift to mood, handing you the glass.

‘you’re not gonna like poison me? right?’ you joked.

‘of course not, just try it!!’ he rolled his eyes, waiting for your reaction.

‘not bad, not bad’ you complimented before continuing to take small sips.

mark smiled to himself, wiping down the surface of the bar table. you debated whether or not asking him this,

‘do you want to get out of here? i know you’re working and it would be unprofessional to just leave like this but i really wanted to talk to y-‘ you were cut off by his abrupt laughter.

‘y/n, i was finished over an hour ago, i just stuck around because well, i was hoping you would come and talk to me’ he shyly admitted, avoiding your gaze.

you were surprised at his response, perking yourself up before taking your hand in his and dragging him away from the bar.

you led him to this secluded part of your backyard that your parents neglected a few years back. you ended up making it your own little sanctuary where you could just read or just have time away from the craziness of your family.

mark seated himself on some cushions you placed on the grass under a small teepee structure.

‘this is kinda cute’ he mumbled, as your cheeks flushed red.

‘thanks, decorated it myself’ you smiled, sitting next to him.

there was a short silence, mark looked over at you, unsure of what to say.

‘do you ever wonder, what life would be like, if you weren’t....’ he started.

‘rich?’ you finished, he was shocked that you already knew what he was asking.

‘yes i do’ you continued. ‘i wonder what it’s like not going to a private school where my parents pay excessive funds to the school for me to be a part of clubs and teams that i really don’t enjoy being in. i wonder what it’s like, making a mess in my own room and not having to call my maid to come clean it for me when i really just want to it myself. this sounds like such a ‘rich girl problems’ type rant but sometimes it’s not always about the glitz and glamour for me’ you shrugged, looking over at mark who had that sparkle in his eyes as you spoke.

‘you’re really not like all of them. i mean, i know we’ve had like two solid conversations but it seems like you’ve missed out on a lot. i kind of want to show you my world for a day’ mark offered, as you enthusiastically nodded.

‘would you really? i would love that!’ you smiled widely as he slightly giggled at your reaction,

‘you’re really cute when you get excited’ he mumbled. your face was completely red at this point.

‘t-thanks’

‘i’ll come by tomorrow, we can get into my old ass car and just drive around, i’ll show you my school and my friends and maybe one day you can do the same with me!’ mark had a way of making you feel normal. he made you feel like, your feelings were valid. you adored him. so so much.

you nodded at his words before placing a quick peck on his cheek.

‘thankyou for understanding me’

‘anytime’ he replied as you both chatted about random things for the rest of the night.

mark lee was unlike anyone you had ever met. so empathic, so understanding, so wise yet so goofy. but he made you feel normal, and that’s what you wanted to feel all along.

// 

would anyone like a part 2?? just curious hehe

[daughterofelros]

I’m seeing a fair bit of anger on my dash today directed at the idea of a poly relationship between Alex, Michael, and Maria.

Now, I multi-ship and will entertain most things, so I’ll definitely be appreciative of a lot of the meta and creative content that comes about here.

I’m also Poly myself. So I will brook no Puritanical Hatred of any forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy (any time where a person dates or is intimate with more than one person, and their partner(s) are aware of it.) I’m a firm defender of the idea that love isn’t a finite resource, and that Poly is valid as an option for how we configure relationships.

But there are ALOT of misconceptions out there that have me wide-eyed and pulling out my hair, because I hate miscommunication.

So I want to address a few of them— because given the state of ship drama in RNM fandom, when we use the same term without understanding it’s multiple meanings, miscommunication is a given, and it leads to needless harm.

Throuple: First, let’s get this out of the way. Biggest red flag that the person talking about three people dating doesn’t move in Poly communities? If they use this word. “Throuple” is not a thing. It exists solely in the mind of Hollywood Screen Writers and Web Article Authors. The only time I’ve ever heard a Poly person use this term is to roll our eyes and mock it. There are serious reasons for that, but we usually try to keep to eye rolling and move on.

Why Throuple Isn’t A Thing: So, Poly is a form of Ethical Non-Monogamy.

That means the relationship dynamics that require one person to date two others equally at the same time in the same way? Unrealistic expectation and best, deeply unethical at worst— dictating who someone can, can’t, or should love isn’t ethical, and that’s what an expectation of three people all dating each other the same way is. Triads where everyone dates each other are really, really rare. And ones where two or more of the people identify as male? Extra extra rare. That triangle where everyone dates everyone else? Deeply unusual.

And in the case where it does exist? There are four relationships, not just one— each relationship between each point of the triangle, AND the overall group relationship too. Each of those have to be invested in, and each of those have to be their own autonomous relationship that grows and changes at its own pace.

Also, it should never be assumed that two people will date because they both like the same person. And people shouldn’t be expected to date if their attractions are incompatible. People also shouldn’t be expected to date if they’re Bi/Pan but not automatically into each other. In the rare event a triad forms and everyone dates everyone else...each dynamic should be unique and grow at its own pace. It’s not just monogamy with an extra body.

Okay, so...Triad?: Yup! Triad is a much better word! One that Poly people actually use to describe themselves, or aspects of their dating life. Though again, really rare to have 3 people all date each other.

Wait, what do Poly Reationships look like if everyone isn’t dating?: Most often, they look like “V” or “hinge” relationships, where Person A and Person C each date Person B, but not necessarily each other.

(Fun reminder: dating and sex aren’t necessarily the same thing, so these dynamics are about expressing a relationship, not all about sex.) Also, just because they’re not dating, the dynamic between A and C might still be REALLY important. Sometimes, there’s not much connection, but usually, that metamour dynamic is super important.

Metamour?: Yup! Vocab lesson— metamour is how you say “partner’s partner”. It’s two people dating the same person, but not each other. This looks different for different people, but for a lot of poly folks, the support structure between metamours is one of the grand benefits of Poly. Metamours may go out for coffee, hang out together, be friends, play video games together, go to the gym together, hang out and cook together, and spend time with their mutual partner both together and alone. Everyone’s mileage may vary, because some folks prefer a polite distance and don’t really ever hang out. Me? I play D&D with most of my metamours, and I’ve spent the weekend on a fishing trawler with one of my metamours because she needed a buffer from her bigoted family during their annual fishing trip. Another metamour has kids in the school where I work, so sometimes I pick the kids up! We all have big dinner parties or movie nights that involve different parts of the polycule. Our dynamic is very “kitchen table” with everyone being a big ol’ family.

Multiple Metamours? Polycule?: Yeah! Most poly people are open to dating more than 2 people over time. As we map these relationships, that tends to look like a constellation or a diagram of a molecule. Hence, “polycule”. Poly rarely looks like a closed triangle. It also doesn’t usually involve just a single V. More often, it involves a bunch of different configurations, and a bunch of ways of setting up households (including deliberately not living together. Lots of folks practice solo poly where they don’t cohabitate with anyone else. Some folks are all raising kids together in the same house. Lots of dynamics exist in-between those points!)

Here’s a great polycule map from Kimchee Cuddles! It shows how dynamics shift over time, overlap, and weave together. Diagrams like this are frequently drawn by Poly folks, oftentimes on napkins over dinner.

But...Isn’t Jealousy An Issue?: Sure! Jealousy can be a thing- it’s a really human emotion! Most people who find themselves living a Poly life find themselves have to deal with jealousy at some point. One key thing though is that for most Poly folks, jealousy isn’t seen as the expected response to a situation (like seeing someone you love kiss someone else). Instead, it’s treated as a sign that there’s some kind of unmet need to reflect on and unpack, and you get to work it out and communicate about it. A lot of us think about it as check engine light. But there’s also this beautiful counterpoint to jealousy, and it’s called Compersion!

Compersion?: Compersion is the BEST! It’s really just...being happy because someone else is happy! In Poly, that might be the fact that you find yourself smiling when you see a cute moment between your partner and metamour, or see them getting excited for a date. It’s joyful and bubbly and sweet. It’s feeling your heart soar because you see your partner happy and in love. It can exist alongside jealousy— being happy that your partner and their date went to an awesome concert, even though you couldn’t afford a ticket yourself— or it can be so bright and lovely that it completely fills the space that society says should be taken up by jealousy. It makes me giddy to see my partners smooch their other partners, or make breakfast together. I grin when I see them holding hands. Sometimes a group of us are together doing something very normal like hiking...but we’re all grinning like idiots because the Compersion in hearing the mix of conversations and hand holding and flirtation is so infectious that we’re all filled with joy from it.

The thing is, we’re actually used to feeling Compersion in some societally accepted ways— when someone gets a new job, or is excited they’re having a baby, or gets engaged. One of the easiest things in the world is feeling happy for someone you love because they’re happy. And it’s kind of mind-blowing to have the realization that that’s true in romantic contexts as well.

Look- polyamory requires a lot of communication. It takes willingness to work out issues through communication. But a lot of the reasons we think ‘that could never work’ are reflexive judgements based on social constructs. Anyone who desires the benefits enough to put in the work of communicating can do Poly well, if they find it suits their needs. And when we look at fiction, characters who experience love for more than one character at a time can always be imagined in scenarios where that commitment is possible and can be achieved. There are so many valid ways those relationships can work.

And since I would always rather see my beloved characters end up happy than broken hearted, I’m always going to be intrigued by characters who figure out that Poly is an option, in fanworks or in canon. Maybe it’s not my endgame hope, maybe it is. Maybe both can be things I enjoy.

That doesn’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea.

But we should recognize that there are a lot of ways to arrange relationship in monogamous ways, as well as in polyamorous ones... and that Poly dynamics are often very different than monogamous one. So if someone says they’re sailing a poly ship for some characters... it’s probably not the S.S. Monogamy With Three People.

That ship is out there, but it’s only one of the many ships in the fleet.

And you have the option to tour a poly ship, or book passage on it, or stay aboard your own ship. Just...kindly don’t open your gun ports and fire off a volley because you don’t think the ship should be on the ocean if it’s flying a poly flag.

[wizardcattcc]

July TC challenge part two!

16. has your tc ever given you detention? if so, what was it like?

He hasn’t, luckily!

17. has your tc ever failed you? if so, how did you react? if not, how would you react?

This is gonna be a long one: A couple of times, if I remember it well ofcourse. Usually I was just kinda disappointed in myself for doing so bad so there wasn’t a big reaction.

But, there was this one time we had to do a book report about something, and we had to include some pages from the book (printed out). I asked him via mail if it was alright if I just sent him pictures because printing them out would require alot of unnecessary ink and he said it was okay. 

Next day I turn it in and he just takes it and doesn’t say anything so I think everythings fine. Couple of days later I get the report back with a real bad grade so I obviously ask him wtf happened, to which he gets agitated and starts berating me for NOT including the pages from the book eventhough he told us so many times yadda yadda.

I then explained to him that I had in fact sent them via mail LIKE HE SAID I COULD, so he eventually gave me a better grade (I had to nag him about it for months though)

18. what are your tc’s hobbies/interests? are they similar to yours?

I know very little about his hobbies or interests to be honest.

19. have you ever spoken on the phone with your tc? what did you talk about?

Nope  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

20. if you had your tc’s class during quarantine, what were your zoom calls like? if not, have you spoken to your tc since quarantine?

Once again, not really.

I only sent a mail to him regarding the yearbook, and then that personal mail where I thanked him for helping me throughout the years.

21. if you had the chance to go anywhere in the world with your tc, where would you go? what would you do?

I’d love to go somewhere like Thailand (for some reason the first country to come to mind) where we can enjoy nature, chill on the beach and take in the local culture (∪ ◡ ∪)

22. does your tc have any nicknames for you?

I wouldn’t say it’s a nickname but he usually uses the abbreviated version of my name ^^

23. have you ever cried in front of your tc? why? how did they react?

Yeah pretty often, even though he can be a dick, he’s actually very caring and always tries to give advice and helps solve my problems.

24. have you ever walked/drove to/from school with your tc?

Nope, that would be pretty cool though!

25. do you know which teachers your tc is friends with at school? if so, do you like those teachers?

Yup, they’re basically all of the chill teachers with the same senso of humor as him lmao. Probably why I like them as well haha

26. why does your tc’s voice sound like?

Damn, I have no idea how to put that into words.

27. do you like your tc as a teacher? are they a good teacher?

Yes! I’m not just saying this because I love him but I think his way of teaching is very fun. He jokes alot and engages with the students pretty much all the time, it really keeps your attention towards what he’s teaching AND makes it stick better in my opinion.

28. does your tc prefer books, shows or movies?

I have absolutely no idea, he seems very interested in all three to be honest

29. is your tc stern or easy going, in class?

Both! Like I said before his lessons are really fun because he jokes around alot and stuff but he can also be very stern if you use your phone during class or don’t complete your assignments

30. how would you describe you and your tc’s relationship?

I like to think we’re relatively close, we talked pretty often and have both told eachother pretty personal things (me more than him though) and we generally just got along great. ^^

31. do you address your tc by their first or last name?

I always called him by his last name but since I graduated I called him by his first name once and he didn’t seem to mind 

[chcfasher]

okay i am so excited to get to plotting & interacting with all u cuties ! bare with me though , im also trying to study for a quiz i gotta take later tonight . anyways , i’m mia aka your resident masshole reporting for duty . i’m 20 years old ... will be 21 in june ( fingers crossed my Sad ass will be out of q*arentine by then ) . i go by she / her / dumb bitch pronouns & am very much so done talking about myself already . so lets get to my boy asher here who is ... how do you say ? a asshole ? a dirt bag ? a soft baby boi ? if you wanna plot & discord is easier for you shoot me a mssg @ 𝖒𝖌𝖐'𝖘 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#9789 . lets goooo 💛

𝐆𝐄���𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒

full name: asher james bennett nickname: ash , aj birthday: march 25 , 1996 zodiac: aries hometown: madison , wisconsin ( click here to see his parents house / childhood home ) current residence: los angeles , california ( although he lives in the villa with everyone , before the year away he lived on his own & still owns the home , both because he loves the place and because it gives his family somewhere to go when they come out click here to see his house ) vehicle: 2017 jeep wrangler rubicon in black ( click here ) , 2019 maserati granturismo in red ( click here ) gender: cismale orientation: heterosexual , heteromantic relationship status: single ( it’s complicated ) family: tamara marie bennett-abbott ( mother ) , harrison charles bennett ( father , deceased ) , mason billings abbott ( stepfather ) , bradford sawyer abbott ( brother ) , stephanie anne bennett ( sister )  education: vocational highschool graduating from the culinary program , graduated ucla with a bachelor in management with a minor in food studies occupation: celebrity chef , tv personality  net worth: 19.7m height: 5′11″ weight: 161lbs tattoos: left arm ( x , x ) , right arm ( x , x  , plus the butterfly tattoo jack has ) , right hand ( x ) , right thigh ( x ) , left leg ( x ) criminal record: arrested ( x6 ) - simple assault ( x2 ) , assault and battery ( x1 ) ,  disorderly conduct ( x2 ) , criminal mischief ( x1 ) , criminal trespassing ( x2 ) , minor in possession of alcohol ( x2 ) , drug possession ( x1 ) drugs / alochol / smoking: yes , mostly marijuana though / yes / no moral alignment: chaotic neutral hogwarts house: slytherin theme song: righteous by juice wrld (  a look at his mental health and the way it he attempts to cope ) & i am by james arthur ( deep dives into his view on himself and how outside opinions of him have effected the way he sees himself ) & empty space by james arthur ( instead of being about a girl this really encapsulates how the loss of his father has affected his life ) traits: charismatic , well-intentioned , affectionate , loyal , jocular , reckless , immature , flippant , short-tempered label: politicians son , miscreant , fuck boy , broken bird , mr. misunderstood , mama’s boy , epicure hidden talents: drawing , singing , master at rubiks cube , skilled card counter ( blackjack )

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃

asher was born just eleven months after his sister stephanie , to at the time lobbyist harrison bennett &  prosecutor tamara bennett . a menace as a child , he made dennis the menace look like a saint , basically . at first his parents hoped this was simply just a phase but as time went on it became very clear that  if it were a phase it was going on for much longer than his parents had hoped . his sister immediately taking on the spot of prodigal daughter , while asher took on the spot of black sheep of the family . this didn’t mean that his parents didn’t absolutely adore both of their children , because they did . both taking on daddy’s little girl & mama’s boy respectively , early on . 

around the time asher was seven both of his parents were up for office , his mother for district attorney & his father for u.s representative from wisconsin . the influx of cameras / eyes on the bennett family mixed with the level of stress both his parents were under completely put asher off from the world of politics . despite being in a family that had generational ties to politics on both sides . during a family appearance asher was captured on camera ( both video & photo ) putting up a piece sign behind his sisters head during a speech his father was giving . 

[ tw: death , suicide , loss of a parent ] when asher was twelve his father went on a boating trip with friend , call it a boys trip if you will . two days into the trip news broke of his father being in a major boating accident where harrison was the only one on the boat & was dead upon being found . it later was confirmed by the coroner that his death was likely a suicide .  the loss of harrison was hard on the entire family , it was easy to say it affected asher heavily having locked himself away in his bedroom for nearly a week only leaving his room to go to the bathroom & grab food that he’d return to his room to eat . later , when he returned to school he was suspended just in that school year three times . it was genuinely the beginning to the incredibly reckless version of asher , that we seen since .

despite his antics he played varsity football as a cornerback & varsity soccer as a midfielder . taking up sports at an early age , it was clear he was a born athlete who genuinely enjoyed a little competition . he also took an interest in culinary , he was very much so that kid standing on a step stool as he helped his parents in the kitchen . this interest turned into him attending a vocational / trade highschool instead of an ordinary public school , like he had in elementary & middle . 

when he was fifteen he started a youtube channel where he posted cook with me videos weekly & vlogged his experience within the culinary program at school .

during highschool his mom started getting serious with a professor at the local university . asher , of course , hated the idea of his mom replacing his dad and it took nearly two years & an engagement for him to actually sit down & listen to his mom about the situation . it wasn’t until then that he realized , mason , was supposed to replace his father ... it was simply his mom not allowing herself to get stuck in one place in life & fall into a spiral . once he actually heard her side he gave the guy a chance . turns out the two have alot in common & get along very well . he’ll never replace his father but he respects him none the less .

before he’d even graduated highschool , asher amassed over 1m subscribers , made appearances on the ellen degeneres show & rachel ray show . this was around the time he realized he wanted to turn his hobby into something more than that & hell he was good enough to do so . when graduation came , he’d already committed to attending ucla as a business major with a minor in food studies . 

soon after graduation he went on the show master chef , finishing as runner up , which was one hell of a feat given he’d been the youngest chef on the show . he enjoyed the experience & recognition the show gave him . 

while at ucla he continued to play football he was so good he was receiving national attention to the point where nfl scouts were looking at him . obviously he was still too young to go into the draft but they let him know , this was something that was more than on the table . it was definitely something he loved hearing but at the end of the day , the nfl was never really the goal for asher . so toward the end of his sophomore season when he was suspended for the rest of the season for getting arrested & charged with drug possession & criminal trespassing he took that as the excuse not to return the sport the following season .

this was not the first time ( we know it was not the last *wink wonk* ) asher was arrested . from the end of his middle school days throughout highschool he’d racked up four arrests . his first one taking place in eighth grade & the only reason the misdemeanor charges actually went through were because his mom asked for them to in hopes that it would scare asher from acting out in such a fashion ever again . unfortunately , his actions were rooted in much more than teen rebellion having never accepting or being able to cope with his father’s passing . the charges & arrests that would follow his mom was able to cover up & kind of bury them . that way word didn’t spread like wildfire about her reckless son .

not even a full year removed from football & he’d accepted a tv show offer from food network . a show called asher’s kitchen a primetime half-hour show where a new chef would come on each week if they beat asher in making a 3-course meal they win bragging rights & $20,000 , if they don’t they go home empty handed . despite the shows constant high ratings asher grew bored of the show & left after only two seasons . the network tried to replace him but quickly learned asher’s personality was what really carried the show .

in 2018 , he went on to open his first ever restaurant the smoking goat an american bistro with an upscale vibe in the heart of los angeles . the place is literally his baby & if you can’t find him you can bet your bottom dollar you’ll find him there . whether it’s catching up with regulars or big name celebrities coming through the doors , or throwing on a chef coat and cooking up some of his very own specials . 

around the time of his restaurant opening he started to let up on the youtube channel & it’s now been nearly two years since he’s uploaded & honestly has no intent on returning to the platform . in asher’s eyes , everything has a term limit & his youtube channels time was up .

𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟗 / 𝐑𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐎 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

the timing of his amsterdam arrest was to say the least , horrific . not only was he in talks with several networks ( fox , cbs , netflix , etc ) to have his own daytime food-focused talk show but his mother was at the beginning stages of her 2020 presidential campaign , which she had since put a halt to and decided to continue on with her tenure as a u.s senator from wisconsin . with the headlines of his arrest spreading like wildfire , the internet resurfaced many of his earlier transgressions , the networks inevitably put a halt to going any further in negotiation & the political realm began to turn their attention to the kind of parent the senator was to have a son so ... out of control ? her opposition questioning how she could run a country if she couldn’t so much as raise a law abiding son .

upon his release from jail he took a jet straight home to wisconsin . with the realization of how much harm he’d done to the bennett reputation he made the personal promise to stay away from the media ( no social media , no tv , nothing ) & be the son the political world expected from a politician . his mother ( who is emulated mostly after laura baker from all american ) nearly begged him not to halt his life as a way of personal punishment for his actions . but after months back home & away from the limelight , asher could see the tides turning back in his moms favor & no big network offer ( and there were quite a few that came his way after the news of his arrest subsided ) could pull him back out into the forefront . 

instead opening his second restaurant bennett’s  , an upscale bar & grill in the capital city of wisconsin . he also began work on a cook book that’s kind of taken on a life of it’s own but he’s yet to be anywhere close to finishing that . 

he has inevitably decided to come back & reunite with the bling ring a year later after his family sat him down & kind of had an intervention with him over his persistence to punish himself . claiming they feel he’s matured & gotten a good grasp on himself & that they don’t think he’ll fall into his bad behaviors again . ( spoiler alert: they’re going to be very wrong about this ... just saying / he’s going to return with the intent of being a better guy , being on the “ right track “ but lets be real it’s going to quickly spiral out of control as per usual ) . 

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

as you can probably tell this boy is no good . he’s the guy your parents warn you about , i swear , he will get you into so much trouble & bask in the glory of being the one to give you such an adrenaline rush . he’s big on being here for a good time & not a long time . he just wants to have fun , at any cost . he’s extremely goofy , the kind of guy to whip out some mediocre wrestling moves on you for the sake of getting attention . he doesn’t take much seriously ... until he does ? what im saying is homeboy has one hell of a short temper and once he’s flipped his fuse , he basically blacks out . the reason for this is because no matter how happy & full of life he’d like to come off he has this deep well of anger that swells in him ever since he lost his dad . also a topic that can get him clenching his jaw , do not under any circumstances bring up harrison bennett . very much so a mama’s boy , though , catch him facetiming his mom once a day to tell her how much he loves her & see how she’s doing . he can come off very uncaring at times , it’s easy to say he’s probably one of the most misunderstood people around . he comes off like a douchebag , like someone who has little regard for others & don’t get me wrong he often is both of those things but he isn’t heartless ? when he has time to sit back and think about the damage he does ... it hits him like a mack truck & he goes into a pretty dark place of feeling like he’s a villain but he wants to be the hero of the story ? not very big on apologizing , verbally . if he says sorry you can bet a smug grin is following behind the words . instead he’s big on buying things & even cooking to show he’s sorry . probably not the best way to go about things but this is asher we’re talking about here . he is a flirt & will fuck anything . that’s all i have to say about that . onto his friends ? whew are his friends his world . he is a big proponent of bros before hoes & is an extremely loyal guy - to his friends . a true ride or die type a guy , he’d help he hide a dead body without any explanation at so what happened . a big move now ask questions later kinda dude .

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

BREATHE BY JAMES ARTHUR : he has a soft spot for her . he always has . she’s one of the only girls who doesn’t drool over him , they’ve never hooked up to any extent and that’s due in large part to her telling him from the beginning that the only way she’d give him a chance was if he straightened up his act & proved to her that he was worth her time . if there is a girl out there who can asher for the better , it’s her . but everytime she thinks she’s gotten him on the right path , she catches him either acting out or reverting to his fuck boy ways & getting with girl’s who he doesn’t have to put so much work into .

SAME SQUAD BY P-LO : let’s be real these three originated “saturdays are for the boys” . they’ve been boys for as long as they can remember . if you see one of them around you can rest assured the other two are in the vicinity . they’re the best of friends . they know everything there is to know about each other . all a bit reckless , but that’s what makes them such a fun trio . a very homiesexual bond takes place between these three & nothing & nobody could get between them .

CLOSE FRIENDS BY LIL BABY & GUNNA : they were once good friends , things spiraled past the point of their control , lines got blurred & then they were dating . the relationship as a whole was one no one thought would last . to give them credit things were good at first but after he cheated & she found out from a friend about it things started to go down hill . things only got worse when he was persistent in lying to her about the situation . she inevitably took him back & not too much later the arrest in amsterdam happened . before he was even released from jail , she was sent a video of him & one of his friends talking about sleeping with a prostitute . although it never happened the fact that was his intent was enough for her . his expectation was that because she forgave him before she’d wipe away the pain of him once again not having regard for their relationship & forgive him but she just couldn’t . when he came out to her forwarding the video to him , he decided to ignore the situation completely . the two have not had any contact for nearly a year & never really broke up or spoke about the situation . 

NO FRAUDS BY NICKI MINAJ & DRAKE & LIL WAYNE : the perfect ride or die squad . the media likes to say someone in the trio is dating at any point in time but , that’s just not the case . these three are always getting into something . the true depiction of always having your friends back . they will lie for each other , fight for each other , anything to prove their loyalty to each other .  

i also have some musing posts here , if you want to give that a look !

[jackstoney]

My relationship with the “abusive wife”

Maaaaan this is gonna be a loong explanation, but with the recent shit that has been going down between her and her current husband, I feel like I have to speak up, just to give further context that this woman IS indeed very manipulative, if not straight up abusive… I can personally attest to it.

Now, I don’t wanna breach her privacy too much, because I feel like all people deserve at least some privacy, and i’m not sure if she’s ever said her real name on here, so I’m gonna refer to her as Mel for the remainder of this post.

I had been friends with Mel for over 3 years before we started dating. I met her when she was 14, and I was 16… for those 3 years we never really did much other than talk to each other and draw each other art, but we were still very close, and I never felt as if she was an abusive person whatsoever because she never really exhibited that type of behavior… all I knew is that she was VERY childish, but again, that didn’t really bother me.

March of 2017, I ask her to be my girlfriend… It didn’t happen right away because her mother wasn’t to sure of me, considering the fact that we were merely online friends (and she was also 17 at the time, only a month away from being 18) But eventually, we ended up as a couple on Saint Patricks Day.

A couple months pass, we’re staying up really late talking to each other pretty much every night, sending each other things in the mail, just doing regular shit that couples would do in long distance relationships.

In May 2017, her mother buys me a plane ticket to Ohio so that I could visit her for 2 weeks for her high school graduation, it was pretty much her “graduation present.” I ended up flying from California to Ohio all by myself to meet this girl who I thought I was in love with, but this is where things start to go downhill….

Mel was a very, and I mean VEEEERY clingy person. She barely ever left my side, barely ever let go of me in general, constantly wanted to kiss me, said “I love you” every 15 minutes… In the beginning this didn’t really bother me, but after 2 straight weeks of this constant behavior it became VERY exhausting.

Along with the clinginess, came her childishness. She was VEEEERY childish, despite the fact that she was 18 at this point, not 14. She had a stuffed dog named Andrew that she legitimately pretended was one of her best friends and constantly carried around as some sort of comfort, which kinda weirded me out because I would think that an 18 year old DOESN’T need to carry around a stuffed animal with them at all times. There was also the time when me and her went to Build a Bear workshop together and I made her a Rocket Raccoon plush, which I jokingly started calling “our son” because we made him together. Well, she got REEEALLY into that and pretty much turned it into a serious thing… that was when I started to feel legitimately uncomfortable.

I remember, for like the entire last week of our visit together, every single night in our hotel room i’d have to just lay in bed and comfort her because she would constantly cry about the fact that I was going home in “Just 1 week” or “Just 4 days” and so on. She had a hard time living in the moment and focusing on the fact that I was still there in that moment, and instead focused on the fact that I was leaving soon. Even though I loved her at that point, and wanted to comfort her, I couldn’t help but feel slightly annoyed at the fact that this was a CONSTANT THING for an entire week… Just laying in bed, listening to her cry, clinging to me and not letting go for hours… it was just an uncomfortable experience.

About 2 nights before I had to leave, I had a panic attack in our room due to some personal issues, and i’m prone to anxiety so those tend to happen. Melissa wanted to hold me and constantly say things to me, but when i’m anxious those types of things do not help me AT ALL. I had to tell her multiple times in a shaky voice “Mel, when i’m feeling this way, the best thing to do is leave me alone and let me get through it”. Well… Mel didn’t like that very much. She began to breathe heavily, seemingly out of nowhere, and she said “I’m sorry Jack, I don’t know if this is gonna work out… I don’t think this can work” Then suddenly curled up into a ball and started profusely hyperventilating… I don’t like to sit here and claim this because i’m still not sure, but I feel like she was faking a panic attack to manipulate me… the whole thing seemed very forced. It was as if she had a fake panic attack just to turn everything around and make me comfort her… I kinda just had to force myself out of my panic attack (which didn’t entirely happen, I was still panicking) and tell her to breathe deeply, which somehow got her panic attack to end almost immediately… it was very fishy.

The day finally comes where I have to leave, of course she cried her eyes out in the airport, I get on the plane, make it back to california, yada yada.

But then… once I get home, she decides to send me this VERY long paragraph about how mad she was at me because she pretty much thought I was talking shit about her behind her back because I wouldn’t let her look at my phone. The reason I wouldn’t let her look is because, instead of asking, she would randomly try to peek at what I was doing and I would turn my phone away from her because I wanted her to respect my privacy. I ALWAYS respected hers. This caused me to stop talking to her altogether for a while.

When I got back to california, I was dealing with alot of life problems. I was constantly looking for a job to pay rent, and I ended up being very depressed for almost a month after the trip ended because I felt like life was going downhill… and I also found myself kind of ignoring melissa because she wasn’t making me happy at that point, and because of the whole privacy thing. I was only able to associate her with clinginess and annoyance because of what I had experienced in her presence. So, with that, on July 9, 2017, I broke up with Mel. but I had to send her voice messages to do it because I KNEW that if I did it over a call, she would freak out, hurl insults at me, and use her signature line “You knew what this was going to do to me, and you did it anyways!” basically manipulating me into feeling like the bad guy because I was having life problems and couldn’t even take care of myself enough to constantly babysit her anymore.

2 months pass, I end up missing her alot, and I message her again. I pretty much give in and act like the bad guy in the situation to get her to forgive me.. I literally cried my eyes out to her over the phone she was eating that shit up, hurling more insults at me as I cried to her over the phone how sorry I was. She told me that, after we broke up, I caused her to do the following things: -Use my Old Spice shampoo that I left in Ohio because it reminded her of me, but it ended up destroying her hair

-Burnt popcorn in the microwave and ended up calling the fire department because she was scared

-Acted like a zombie and started incorporating traits of my personality into her own, pretty much turning into a “Mini Jack” because she missed me

Just… so much bullshit. She’s the worst at coping with things and actively does things to make the coping process worse for herself, yet she’ll just blame it on the other person.

Eventually, things settle down, we become friends again, but… Dillon is back in her life, and she was thinking about dating him again. Yes, Dillon is her current husband which went missing recently.

Throughout the next month, she went back and forth between dating me and Dillon because she was indecisive… and eventually, I grew so tired of it that I decided to just break everything off entirely and tell her that i’m done dating her for good. That apparently sent her into multiple panic attacks and caused her to go to the hospital (or so she told me… most likely a manipulation tactic) and again just resulted to hurling insults as me… and so, that ended my association with Mel. I broke everything off with her entirely, didn’t even wanna be friends with her anymore. I was done.

Literally only a month after I stopped talking to her, she got engaged to Dillon. I had no idea that they had even gotten married yet, and I had no idea that their marriage was even going this bad… last time I heard, they were doing just fine together… Dillon was apparently the love of her life, and even Dillon was happy with everything.

Now, Dillon was never personally nice to me, so I was never that fond of him, but now realizing that Melissa has been possibly even WORSE to him than she was to me, causing him to want to run away without saying a word…. I feel his pain. Honestly I hope he’s able to escape the marriage somehow unscathed, because knowing Mel… she’ll probably do everything in her power to fuck up his life. She’s very petty in that sense.

Anyways, long story short, Mel is not a good person to be in any type of serious relationship with. I hope I was able to convey everything properly, and there are some things I left out of this because I don’t wanna completely destroy Mel’s reputation, despite her being an abusive person, and for the privacy of others as well. There is really so much I could say about her to completely destroy her. But just be aware, she’s not a good person. She has major problems… Actually, major is an understatement.

[oikawasbread]

(part 1) Ah, okay for matchup’s, I thought it would be cool to try one of theses because I've never done one before. I’m female, and bisexual. I’m a Scorpio, and I enjoy track and cross country, dancing, which i’m fairly good at, photography and reading in general. I also find myself getting back into drawing and singing oftenly. It said I was a INTP-T. I have relatively short brown hair, which is curly. I’m mixed, more on the tan side and i’m 5′6 (I just checked)

I wear glasses majority of the time, and i’m fairly curvy. I see myself as a ambivert who has a bit of a shy shell, but can easily be broken into revealing a very energetic human being. My friends describe me as scary?? Aka, i’m not afraid to defend myself or state my opinion in many conversations. Along with that, I do get anxiety quiet often and wonder frequently if I accidentally made someone mad or not. With people I trust or like, i’m fairly loud and laugh alot- and its to the point where people have to tell me to calm down lmao. I enjoy engaging conversations almost about anything, and I wish I can have those types of talks more in my life. Alone however, i’m usually quiet and don’t start conversations unless I have too, or someone starts a conversation with me. In relationships, I’m just looking for someone who can make me laugh, while also tying me down when my emotions get the best of me, while respecting who I am. A few negative parts about my life can be simply showed with my zodiac sign with me being able to get jealous really fast and holding big grudges other small things, which are two things i’m trying to work on currently. On the positive note, I will say that I will literally take a bullet to save any of my best friends to be completely honest. I enjoy the rain, snow, and cold temperatures. I love animals and I have a very tiny doggo that I treasure with every ounce of my being. finally the last one im so sorry) I really enjoy reading about Greek gods and fantasy books. Another fact is that I get flustered really easily, which a lot of people tease me about. I don’t exactly like to stand out, which is why my wardrobe has more dark colors, as I don’t own any red/orange/yellow or pink shirts. And finally the last fact I thought I should include randomly is that I play the piano and learning it this year was one of the best decisions I've made in my life.

Damn, don’t feel sorry for this detailed description, fr. I actually enjoyed so much writing this. As a scorpio, I relate to you so much. I spent so much time on this and you gave me so much info so i had to do a whole character analysis for you and I felt like i was writing about myself. So I enjoyed writing this so much cause I realised new things I didn’t knew about me and it feels good to know that I’m not the only one who is like this.

Anyways!

MATCHING WITH : OIKAWA TOORU

Aight, I know that so many people hate him. And i don’t know if you hate or love him , but hear me out : Besides being a cancer and working with a scorpio so well, i feel like Oikawa would be perfect for your character.

-

 he’s totally in love with the way you style your brown curly hair. 

he says ‘’it’s almost as good as my hair’’

  he’s a total simp he knows your hair is better than his

 has a thing for your tanned skin. tbh u make him wish he wasn’t so pale :’( baby boy wants to get that tanned shiny skin! but it is what it isss

 you being 5’6 makes it easy for him to mock you. 

but he won’t exaggerate, because he knows you’re going to cut him with your sharp glance

 you’re clearly the top in this relationship. i mean you’re a scorpio. are we surprised?

 y’all r going to volleyball matches looking badass asf with your matching glasses but in reality you two are being crackheads in the last row of seats

 he clearly sees through you, but not since the beginning  

 at first, he was totally a bit scared to approach you. he’s always seen you being intimidating and sarcastic

you were like a challange to him, since Tooru himself is pretty intimidating and sarcastic

until he opens his mouth

and i think this is what makes you two so perfect for each other : you just need some time to warm up, then you suddenly become the funniest people of the group

 as a scorpio,  you can be pretty insensitive, having trouble when it comes to expressing your feelings, and when you and Tooru get into a fight, you won’t hesitate to throw some venomous words. sometimes you just can’t control your anger

but he knows you well. he won’t take it by heart since he knows how short your temper is, and he’s willing to step on his pride and put an end to your argument

 you’’re not afraid to step up. you’ve always went too far to defend your beliefs and he’s totally whipped. he thinks you would make a great lawyer haha

he loves how you always have a good argument for everything and how you can beat people in a fight just with your words. it’s truly amazing for him, the power you hold

so he avoids fighting with you

           I JUST KNOW you guys both have struggles when it comes to following rules. it comes with your zodiac sign. even though he’s way softer and innocent than you, you will drag him into your adventures. and he won’t say no :’)

 sometimes you feel like Oikawa is the only person who understands you, who doesn’t think you’re insane

he may not be a genius, but you can’t deny the fact that he’s actually clever

he understands you without even having to hear any words coming out of your mouth

Tooru knows you’re rebellious, stubborn, independent; he knows how you sometimes can feel 29843 emotions at the same time, and he’s here for you

he won’t question you when you don’t feel like talking. Instead, he would make a cup of your favourite tea, add  some ice in it, and watch you reading your favourite book while you’re drinking the tea in which he put his secret ingredient <3 love!!

you love reading about Greek Gods, and he loves aliens : so you slowly became a fan of the universe, the unknown, and he started to love the Greek Mythology

totally in love with your dance moves ; watching you dance is his favourite hobby; the way your body moves amazes him and he tries to dance like you sometimes . he may be the great king but not on the dance floor.

long story short, he’s in love with everything about you : your passion for photography, the things you’re reading (he actually finds your favourite authors quite interesting) , the way you’re singing in the shower or how you’re humming some familiar songs when you’re focused on something

he thinks he’s so lucky, and skipping some volleyball practices to hear you play his fave song at the piano is totally worth it

when he found out you’re an athlete, his brain went poof

watching you run with the sunlight dripping all over you was what he needed to get his mind off the school and vbc stress

having a thing for sports made you even more interesting and hot (he didn’t knew you could get hotter than you already are)

sometimes he can see that you’re needing approval, and he tries his best to let you know that you are the greatest at whatever you do.

you think he’s bluffing just to make you feel good, but you appreciate it so much even tho baby boy actually thinks you’re the greatest. like fr. you are his grand queen

you have a rich inner world, so you’d rather focus your attention on it instead of the external world. 

Oikawa thinks it’s pretty cute, cause you guys sometimes have lazy Sundays when you just lay in bed all day and do nothing but enjoying each others presence and your own thoughts.

Tooru, just like you, hates failure. losing any type of match puts him down, and the same happens to you. 

you feel like you wanna start over and do things the other way around, but you can’t.

the good thing is, you have each other.

 he mocks the hell out of your jealousy. whenever his fan girls are approaching him, you feel your heart stop and the oxygen fading away. you just wanna let out your anger

but he knows it, and he will reassure you that you don’t have any reason to feel that way. 

he’s only interested in his Grand Queen and no one else can change his mind.

he finds it quite fun that you hold grudges over small things, he can clearly see that you’re vengeful, and that makes you two lil partners in crime.

BUT the way you’re willing to do absolutely anything for him or your friends inspires him so much. 

of course, he would take a bullet for you. But your strong spirit is what’s making him be so passionate about everything : you inspire him

 the best days for him are when you two are around the house, and it suddenly starts raining. 

he only has to look at you once, and you both drop everything you’re doing and run outside to just sit in the rain. the feeling of the cold rain on your skin while you’re trapped between his arms makes your heart explode

 little moments like these are making you both fall in love more and more everyday.

I really really hope you enjoyed this! I tried my best and please feel free to request again whenever you want! <33                                                                                          

-Riley

[akumanoken]

The engagement II

He was… older than Ayato had imagined.  

Everything about Okita Katsujiro spoke of a normal businessman, an accountant for a bank that neither family owned.  Count on Nao to find someone like him.  His eyes sparkled with seeing her, though seeing Ayato behind him made him calm down to a more reserved smile, bowing when he was simply named as Ayato.  He decided to keep it that way, and saw the way her shoulders relaxed.  Just how much did this poor man not know??

“It’s a pleasure, Ayato-san!!” he smiled.  “When Nao said one of her friends wanted to meet me I wasn’t sure what to expect…” He laughed a bit, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sure you’re here to give me the third degree…”

“Oh he’s gonna do no such thing, right, Aya? Ayato!!”  Nao’s face was a fierce desperation, and Ayato simply shrugged.  “I came to observe, that’s all.  Just wanted to see for myself the kind of man Nao had chosen.”

Okita’s face paled a bit… Ayato knew his expression (or lack thereof) along with his way of speaking could cause nervousness in the most stoic of men, and this one, who was so very expressive, completely his opposite, it wouldn't take much to make him nervous enough to make him satisfied. “Ow!!”  Nao punched him hard, and a rare smile formed, making Katsujiro calm down just a tad.  “I got a room for a few hours!! I hope you like to sing, Ayato-san!!”

“. . .I don’t sing...but I’ll gladly come along.”  

His face remained passive, simply watching them.  Nursing his drink, listening to Katsu sing songs and Nao cheering for him.  He had a decent voice, which he figured was why he liked this sort of distraction so much.

“My turn My turn!!”  Nao was already up, giggling as Katsu gave her a grin, already putting numbers from the catalogue without even asking.  Confusion until the first notes played on the speakers.  Ringo no Oiwake… her favorite.

She took the stage, such a serious face, broken so easily as she sang, so emotive as she sang, which was almost enough to forgive the nature of her singing.  So passionate, and off key.  Ayato sighed, leaning back, shaking his head, but heard a soft sigh next to him.

“She’s like an angel…”  

He turned to see Okita staring at Nao as she sang, that same sparkle from before.  He hid his smile in his glass, letting Nao sing her heart out, Okita cheering for her with feverish devotion.  He clapped politely for both of them, quietly watching them as they took a break, eating and drinking.  

He did learn alot about the man, he had no family.  A hard-working man who was grateful for everyone he met along the way.  He seemed to have a lot of friends but no one he kept close.  Volunteered for some kid’s program near their college, and that’s how they met.  A normal love story.  In his head, Ayato was weighing everything, what he knew, what he saw.  

So when the last song played, and they asked one more time if he wanted to sing, he shook his head.  “No, I want to speak with you a moment, while we still have time in the room.”  This needed to be private.  “What do you know about Nao??”

Her face paled, and her eyes flashed in panic and preemptive rage.  “Ayato??”

“She’s in school for child studies, she says her family is pretty strict, and she used to do archery before her wrist injury.”

Silence.  “What else did she tell you about her family?”

Confusion. With a look to Nao, seeing her face, he turned back to Ayato.  “Why?”

“Kutagawa Nao… Only daughter to the Kutagawa family…”

“...Yeah she told me her whole name and she was only girl---wait… you mean… KG Enterprises?? That Kutagawa family???” He turned to Nao, who slumped.  “W-why didn’t you tell me??”

“. . .I didn’t want you to think differently of me...if you know what kind of family I came from…”  She looked up, glaring daggers at Ayato.  “What are you doing??” she hissed.

“He has to know Nao.  You’re not telling him everything.”  He hated the look on her face, the wide eyes, how she turned from red with race to sheet white.  

“N-no… no please…”  Tears welled up in her eyes.  “P-please don’t do this…”

“Don’t do what??” Okita looked between them, Nao’s desperate face, Ayato’s...sad?? Perhaps after this time talking with him he was able to discern the subtle emotions on the man’s face.  “Ayato-san… Nao… what’s going on???”

“. . .Ishikawa...Ayato…” she said softly, defeat heavy in her voice.  “He’s… he’s my… he’s….” She broke down, clinging to Okita, grabbing him, sobbing in his chest.  “Katsu… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry I should’ve told you the truth sooner!!!”

He looked down at Nao, smoothing her hair, frowning as it only made her sob harder.  “A--.Ishikawa-san… who are you??”

“...As of one week ago?  Her fiance.”  

“WHAT??” Okita held her tight against her, glaring at Ayato, looking for some sort of joke.  “You’re not very funny…”

“I agree,” he said softly.  “Because it’s not a joke.  Our fathers announced it last week… and that’s when she told me about you.  It’s why I wanted to see who you were for myself.”

Nao was blubbering apologies.  She didn’t want to marry anyone. She didn’t love Ayato.  It hurt him to see his best friend like this.  To see her suffer so much, but he fashioned himself an excellent judge of character, and a decent shogi player as well. 

“Nao!! Nao!! Listen to me!!’  Okita had her by the shoulders, shaking her so she looked up, tears still streaming down her face.  “Don’t… Don’t do it!! Don’t marry him.  Call it off!! You can’t marry him!!”  

“I don’t have a choice!!” she sobbed, she pulled away, holding herself.  “I have… I have to break apart from you…. I...I can’t be with you anymore, Katsu…. I can’t….”

Ayato was silent, watching the wheels turn in the other man’s head.  Watching the way Nao held herself and Katsu’s desperate reach to grab her, pulling her against him.  A vice grip. 

“Don’t… don’t marry him.  You can’t.  Me…. Marry me, Nao.”  It was a soft whisper, but one full of conviction.  “I love you, Nao, I don’t care who your family is.  I don’t care who I have to fight.  I’ll do it.  I’m the one you should marry, not Ishikawa-san!!”

Her entire body stilled, eyes searching the man’s face.  “K-Katsu??? You can’t be--”

“I’m dead serious.” he said softly.  “I want you to marry me, Nao.  You have to marry me.  I’m not going to let you go.  I won’t let you marry someone you don’t love… I refuse.  You have to marry me instead…”

Her stunned silence made Ayato grin, and he cleared his throat.  “Then it’s settled.  We will have to move quickly, Okita-san.  I don’t know when they are planning to schedule the wedding, but we’ve known each other since childhood, so there won’t be a need for a long engagement as far as our fathers are concerned.

Okita looked to Ayato with a nod and a goofy grin.  “Then can we meet tomorrow?  I’d like to work things out with you...if that’s alright.”

Nao looked between the two of them, Ayato specifically as if he had grown an extra head.  “W-What?? What just…”  She jumped when she felt her friend’s hands on her face, lips on her forehead.  

“You’ve never wanted to go with the wishes of your family before.  Why start now?”

[stephicness]

Let’s Talk About Shiro... (SPOILERS)

Contrary to popular belief, it seems, but I really enjoyed the final season of Voltron. Yeah, it didn’t wrap it up as tightly as it could, but that’s always the downside of alot of shows that have a limited episode run and only so much resources to meet the criteria for a complete show. It was really great overall, and it was super cool watching it from its first debut to its final season. It was a wild ride, and I enjoyed every minute of it!

But I can’t help but shake this thought: that Shiro would have no pleasant resolution in terms of his character -- no matter what the writers would do. But regardless of that, I think Shiro really was an amazing character who had a valid ending in the series.

Let me explain...

And WARNING! We’re getting into spoiler territory, my friends. Read at your own risk!

...And crack open a drink. This is a long read.

So technically, according to writers, Shiro was supposed to have died in Season 2, which would allow Keith to properly take the mantle of Voltron’s leader. However, it’s already a controversial idea enough to kill off one of the story’s only LGBTQ characters and villianizing the other few that existed (Zethrid and Enzor. Yeah. They were in lesbians with each other!). It would send a bad message to those of the LGBTQ community -- even though he wasn’t properly noted to be LGBTQ until interviews surfaced and Season 7 (I believe) showed his arc with Adam. Thus, Shiro was rewritten properly into the series to resume his role as a fan-favorite.

So there’s one lose-lose situation: write him in and fear him overshadowing a character arc for Keith or follow through with his death and receive a drop in ratings for killing off a fan-favorite and an LGBTQ character.

But they kept Shiro and allowed him to show himself as a clone experiment. Which, I don’t know about you, but I feel like fans were more shocked to have Shiro as a clone than they were to have him suddenly be magically resurrected. Me, as a viewer, kind of thought the clone idea was a little cheap, but it did make for an amazing fight between Kuron clone and Keith! But, for me, the appearance of this Shiro clone really did interrupt what potential character arcs other characters could have. And better yet, it kind of undermined a bit of Keith’s story because -- what do you know? Keith spent an entire season away on his own adventures because -- with Shiro there -- he wasn’t needed.

So another lose-lose there: risk losing a character (Keith or Lance) by having Shiro/Kuron remain or get rid of Shiro yet again.

And so, it felt like this weird compromise that the writers and executives were faced with. Now they needed a reason for Shiro to stay there, so boom. He’s back as the white-haired space dad we all know and love.

But now, cat’s out of the bag, and we learn about Adam officially! Which was kind of nice to see that Shiro had a life before the Kerberos mission ever happened, and how that -- I think it was referenced -- Shiro was injured but determined to continue his job and mission as a fighter for the Garrison. He and Shiro get into a discussion about Shiro wanting to go on the mission, but they disagreed: Adam wanted Shiro to be safe and Shiro wanted to continue helping the world. Contradicting ideas about what it means to protect someone: to keep them from pushing themselves or pushing oneself to the limit. It was a conflict that lead to them departing form one another until Adam’s death in season 7′s recap of events on Earth.

Yet I think this is where people misunderstand alot about why Shiro and Adam’s story was written like this: this is a story about war. It’s not about romance or love, despite Voltron always having morals of the bonds we form and being stronger together. Those are morals, but the overarching plot is that this is a story about a war between peacekeepers and conquerers. So, even though I was shocked and upset by it, I understood the writers’ decision to kill Adam: it showed that nobody is safe from what war takes from us all. It doesn’t matter what your sexuality is, what your gender is, what you look like. Violence keeps taking casualties.

Of course, this annoyed fans. Why introduce a love interest for Shiro and then not do anything with him? They didn’t even get to speak to each other before Adam was killed -- rather horribly -- for us all.

Well, I think this is kind of what shaped Shiro and his overall endgame story. He continued his mission to help Voltron end the war and stop the destruction of the universe, but that’s because Shiro’s character has always been defined by his morality: it’s what is best for everyone. But, for me, I can’t help but feel like his mission needed to come to an end. Not for the sake of the story, but for the sake of Shiro.

Because, you see, Shiro lost someone he loved before to war. And not just a boyfriend and stuff. I think they mentioned that Adam was his fiance before the argument happened between them. He picked his mission over someone he loved, and for that, Shiro was never allowed to say goodbye or to see what could have been with a happier, calmer life. Shiro’s decision to put the mission aside for the sake of finding happiness in romance? I think that’s an important choice because Shiro was so close to having it before, and I feel like that’s why he didn’t want to give up on it again when the chance came knocking.

But this, once again, annoyed fans because there was another choice made for them. It was either make him a man of war that was dedicated to the peace, or to have him finally get a happy ending that he was denied because of his selflessness. And the writers decided to let Shiro finally be a little selfish for once.

This was met with backlash because, you know, who the heck did he even marry?! Well, his name was Curtis. He was a minor character who appeared a few times, but here are the main facts:

- He sat on Shiro’s side (...Was it left-hand side?) whenever they were on the bridge of the Atlas. - He asks about Iverson’s dog because he seems like a dog person. - He’s friendly with the Atlas crew, being with them during Clear Day for part of the day. - He’s got a preciously derpy face when he feels awkward. - He’s the first one to support Shiro and his arm-wrestling career.

Those are pretty much all of the details we really get from Curtis, which I admit is really not a whole lot. But I think this was done for a reason.

It wasn’t because they wanted to deny you your main ships.

It wasn’t because they wanted to appease the LGBTQ community no matter the consequence.

It was because we didn’t need to know about it.

I think what the writers feared -- and what I personally feared -- when it came to Shiro was that his love life would be the only thing that we would focus on. We’d ignore his impact of being a great leader by stepping down to help another great leader excel. We’d ignore the sacrifices and arcs of other characters because the writers would be too heavily emphasizing Shiro’s back story and side arcs. We’d ignore the fact that Voltron isn’t a romance and that it’s a war story. Instead, all we’d be focused on was who would kiss who and what would be the dominant Shiro ship sailing.

And yet, when people are so obsessed with satisfying their own desires and cravings for ships, representation, plot, etc. and ultimately undermine a character’s integrity, I personally find that much worse than just plain writing a character in an out-of-character context. Their idea of what Shiro is kind of seemed to blind them to not just his story overall, but the fact that he probably wants something too. He’d probably want stability.

I’ve still noticed people saying that they’ve ‘been done wrong,’ or it was ‘dirty’ what they did to Shiro by giving him an off-screen marriage technically. Despite Voltron being a cartoon, it really has connected people in many ways and was one of the first cartoons in awhile to have an LGBTQ character as a main focus throughout the series. So I can see why people felt wronged by Shiro being pushed aside and given background character treatment. And yet, I disagree. Not with the background character thing, even though I feel it was needed. But with the being wronged. As much as I wanted more representation in the show, I feel like that’s all we would focus on until the bitter end, and now... Well, the issues arise with Shiro about his off-screen marriage to a character we vaguely see.

I’m a bit more of an in-depth thinker when it comes to characters. And as someone who also studied character analysis in theatre during college and high school, one of the first things you should normally think about a character is what are they striving for? Shiro’s motivation throughout the series was the defend the universe so he and the others can return home and everything will be at peace from the Galra. But this isn’t the only thing he wanted.

He wanted to start a family. You saw it when it was first mentioned he and Adam were together, and that they would be engaged, I believe. I feel like if you were a military guy wanting to marry a military guy, it would be because you wanted to settle down eventually. I think this was why Adam was so frustrated with Shiro because they were ready to settle. But Shiro’s desire to have a last moment of heroism during Kerberos before... Well, I think it was hinted that he had a disease that affected his arm or something? They were talking about Shiro’s health during their argument. But Shiro’s final hurrah ended up driving them apart because... Well, I don’t know about you, but I get frustrated and angry when things don’t follow through until I eventually go ‘Don’t bother.’

But why not give them a chance to reunite? I feel like it wasn’t done because I feel like there was nothing left for them to say. Shiro did his mission, came back a wreck because he, you know, died a little bit, and thus, it would prove Adam right. Shiro, however, has no regrets over his actions because he did what he thought was right, even if that meant following a different path from romance. This would only create tension, I feel, and make it harder for them to really rekindle things. Their stories moved on, and it was, unfortunately, a tragedy that reunited them once again.

Yet this is all background context because Shiro’s tragic love-life isn’t the main focus of the show. The writers didn’t intend it to be because that would ruin this idea that the universe is much bigger than the Paladins are. It was said in moments of the series that this isn’t just about them anymore: it’s about saving the entire universe. So of course they aren’t going to talk much about Shiro and his finished character arc. They’re not going to give you all the details of who Shiro is crushing on.

They want you to focus on Shiro, the hero, and his (and everyone else’s) role in defending the universe, and I feel like they did an amazing job of it. And even if we didn’t get to see more on-screen romance and representation, I think this was justice done for Shiro in terms of a story. His arc completed when he helped get Voltron to where it needed to be, and so now he can pick-up where he left off from what he had given up in the past.

...That, and I don’t know about you, but being tortured by evil aliens and then having to stop an intergalactic war would make me wanna take a breather too.

[southpoles]

A total of 3 things are on my mind a lot lately with a bunch of vague thoughts stemming off of those 3. feeding my anxiety and low self esteem.

I feel. so self conscious over being an incompetent “adult”. . . the way I am, I really can’t classify myself as an adult. I act so childish, like my 16 year old self without the severe depression. I am just doing childish indulgences everyday of my life and do easy chores and go to school as an obligation and not as something I’m trying to thrive or compete in. I never have been able to get a proper job and I am a financial hazard to my parents, I am so so grateful to them all the time, but I know I’m supposed to be earning at least a little bit of my own money but I hate working. I hate doing things. it’s so hard and even stressful for me to do the things I like that I can’t see myself doing something I don’t want to do. How do I transition into an adult like self? I have been thinking alot about how to do it and to me it feels like I just need to learn about finance and attempt applying for jobs at the very least. yet I don’t want to do this! because I am still “allowed�� to be my childish self by my parents. my mom babies me more than my little sisters. why? I don’t want to ask her. she is a very kind person and is always there to give and give. why can’t I be like her? she is also extremely hardworking, I desperately wish I could be like her.

another thing is that I feel extremely sad over the fact that the one irl friend I have never talks to me online. yes this is a vague but does it really matter, I don’t feel like a friend to them at all. every time I realize that I’m thinking about putting effort into the relationship I stop myself because my friend doesn’t even do the least to message me which is something far easier to do than meeting up . is there really nothing to talk about? that’s probably it, and I don’t understand WHY! why am I so internet savvy yet they are the complete opposite? they are the type of person to never engage online with people they don’t know in person.

lastly.. I feel so bad as a human being, as someone who is so....meaningless....incompetent....loveless.....I have my mother’s love yet I feel so so so insecure and depressed over not being in a romantic relationship.... I always think about living with someone and having a family. I want my own family so badly but that is my hormones talking... I am a very immature individual not fit to be a mother or resonsible for the well being of another person. I wish I wouldn’t want these things. no one ever takes me seriously and no one can possibly like me back in that way. I feel like I have so many opposing traits and thoughts all the time, it’s exhausting to tell myself “no you don’t really want this” “no you’re not (negative thing)” “you will get what you want as you continue to be patient” over and over and over again. I want to feel better so I am always trying to be there for myself yet I focus so much on this that I neglect trying to progress into a functional adult.

[taetortotss]

gone → min yoongi (1)

helloooo i’m back with another angst (why do i put myself through this i always cry) and i really hope you enjoy this as i put my entire heart in this :’)

also congratulations to bts!!! so proud of my boys <33333 they deserve everything and the world

request for a part two? 

also, i highly recommend listening to halsey’s room 93/hopeless fountain kingdom aka my inspiration/playlist in writing this (esp sorry UGH MY HEART)

anyways, that’s all from me! <3

gone → min yoongi ANGST w abit of fluff he was your best friend. at least you thought he was. (SLIGHT OOC WARNING)

From the moment you met him, you somehow knew that Min Yoongi was going to be your best friend “4 lyfe”. Well, that was your mentality as a child.

The two of you were six when you met each other. His family moved into your neighbourhood and lived right across you and your family. When your mother heard of their moving in, she cooked up her special tuna casserole as a welcome gift and brought you along to deliver the dish.

Yoongi’s mother answered the door, with Yoongi hiding behind her, his small arms hugging her leg. He seemed to be the shy type, his head peeking out in a cautiously curious manner.

Not to be judgemental, but your first impression and probably the first thought that crossed your mind was, “Oh, hey, this boy’s only 1cm taller than me. Sweet!”

The two mothers seemed to instantly clicked, and they introduced their children to each other before engaging in a conversation.

“This is my son, Yoongi. He’s quite shy to new people,” Mrs Min gave his son a tiny push forward.

“This is Y/N, she’s quite the bubbly one,” you gave a tiny wave to Yoongi, who responded by flashing a quarter of a smile and running away. You watched his tiny figure run up the stairs, probably to his room.

And something started to bubble in you. Determination.

Your six year old self was determined to make Yoongi your friend.

It wasn’t easy at all. Yoongi was willing to be your play date, lunch date, but he wasn’t willing to talk. He hasn’t muttered any word besides “hello”, “excuse me” or “goodbye”. It seemed like he doesn’t want you to know you better and he doesn’t want you to know him better.

You, on the other hand, were a chatterbox. You filled in the empty gaps and you just talked about anything and everything under the sun. It didn’t seem like it but Yoongi was actually listening, reveling in every word you said.

This continued on for a few weeks, Yoongi showing little interest in maintaining a friendship and your endless chatter. Until one day, you somehow managed Yoongi to accompany you to the nearby woods for an “adventure”.

Unknown to you, amidst Yoongi’s cold demeanor, he has grown pretty fond of you. He was a good listener; he knew your favourite colour, your birthday, the fact that you were afraid of cockroaches, your silly talents.

You were rambling on about your stuffed toys and how you play with them, when you missed your footing and fell down a tiny hole that your eye didn’t seem to capture. Besides being extremely talkative, you were also quite the klutz.

“Y..yoongi!” you started to cry, feeling the pain of your grazed leg. The impact of your fall has caused you to crash land onto a few rocks in the hole and a puddle of mud and dirty water.

You heard a sigh come from Yoongi’s part before he crouched down and helped you up. He slung your arm over his shoulder (completely disregarding the fact that your clothes were soiled and dirty), and helped you walk.

“Why am I always the one looking out for you?” he whispered, but your ears managed to catch it and your sad frown contorted to a smile.

“Because I’m your greatest friend?” you poked out your tongue.

Yoongi didn’t deny it.  

-

Before you knew it, the 1cm difference between you and Yoongi increased and he was now a lot taller than you. The two of you practically grew up with each other, and now you two have entered a new phase in your lives.

The Teenage Years™.

Six years have gone past really really quickly. And you and Yoongi have grown up alot. But some things just don’t change - for instance, your amazing ability to be a klutz and Yoongi’s inclination towards roasting and criticising things he doesn’t like. You remember how he wrote a haiku on how this boy pushed him once and how he utterly despised him.

Your relationship has also grew. Yoongi pretty much grew on you, and the two of you were the ‘bestest of the best’ friends. He would wait for you at school just so the two of you could walk home together, he would share his lunch with you, he would help you with your homework, et cetera.

Sleepovers were also a constant, with the two of you living really close to each other. You’d play video games [to which you were (surprisingly) better in], read comic books, play cards but you two would usually fall asleep on each other to which the mothers always found adorable.

Yoongi was your listening ear and you were his comforter and pretty much vice versa.

But everything changed, when the two of you turned 16.

-

Typical 16 year olds worry about their puppy loves, their relationships that last for a few weeks or months or days, if they fit in at school or about their grades and future.

But when Yoongi was 16, he worried about something completely different.

A month or so ago, his mother broke the news that they were going to move out of Daegu as their father had found a new job out of state. And they were leaving in around a month’s time.

Yoongi didn’t know how to break the news to you.

How could he leave you, the person who never fails to put a smile on his face, the person who has stood by him, for another state?

So, for the month, he tried his best to see you more often. He was at your house a lot, he brought you out more often. He couldn’t believe that he had to leave you, his best friend of oh, so many years. His mother also couldn’t foretell if they were ever coming back and couldn’t promise that they would be coming back.

Yoongi tried to leave the topic at the back of his mind, but as the days dwindled, he couldn’t avoid it any longer. He could run away from it, but he has to face it at some point.

Before he knew it, there was only a week left.

On the night of your birthday, he would break the heart-wrenching news to you. There was no running from this.

As Yoongi was preparing himself to come clean to you, he realised one thing.

Seems like 16 year old Min Yoongi did face a worry some typical 16 year olds face.

He has fallen in love with you.

-

“Y/N,” he started, his heart palpitating.

The two of you were laying next to each other in his backyard, staring at the stars, hands slightly touching, your head on his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

Yoongi took in a deep breath. He could do this.

“My dad got an offer to work at Seoul, and the thing is, we’re all moving away with him.”  

Pin drop silence. You removed your head from his shoulder and sat up and turned away from Yoongi. Thank the heavens the night shadowed your teary eyes.

“Oh. When?” Any more words and you’ll probably break. How could he keep this from you?

“In a few days, Y/N, please don’t cry,” he reached for your hand.

He knows you so well.

You turned back to him, tears freely falling from your eyes. The sight of you crying caused a tear in his heart. You cried a lot, due to your clumsy nature, but Yoongi couldn’t handle it if he was the cause of your cries.

“Hey,” he proceeded to engulf you in a soul crushing hug, “It’ll be alright. We can always video call, text, visit. Heck, if I could fly back to you, I would.”

“Do you promise to come back?” you cried on his shoulder, your heart couldn’t handle this pain. This was possibly the worst heartbreak you ever felt and you’ve never gotten your heart broken.

Yoongi couldn’t promise anything, but for your sake,

“I promise.”

And the two of you stayed in an embrace under the stars.

You didn’t want to let go.

-

The days seemed to pass by so quickly. It was like a snap of the fingers and your family was in the airport, about to send the Min family off. You weren’t the only one heartbroken by their departure. The mothers aka the two best friends were crying to each other, the fathers giving each other firm handshakes and bro hugs.

You, were just holding Yoongi’s hand, engulfed in a comfortable, heartbreaking silence. For once, you were at a loss for words. You didn’t know what to say, and you could feel the tears coming again.

The two of you were just sitting in silence, until Mrs Min called for Yoongi. It was time to go. You quickly tightened your grip on Yoongi’s hand, not wanting to let go as you knew the moment you let go, Yoongi would be gone. Your best friend, would be in another city, probably find and replace you in a zap.

The night before, you and Yoongi promised not to say a word to each other before he left for Seoul. You held onto him so tightly, that you could barely sleep a wink.

“Yoongi, it’s time to go.”

You closed your eyes as you loosened your grip on Yoongi’s hand, before he entrapped you in another bear hug that might very likely be your last hug.

And before you knew it, Yoongi was gone.

A few moments later, you were still unmoved from your position, your face maintaining a poker face expression, you heard your name being called.

This time, you couldn’t control the waterfall from falling from your eyes.

“Screw the stupid promise, I can’t leave without telling you this. Y/N Y/L/N, I am deeply in love with you. From the roots of your hair to your toes, I am in crazily in love with you. I love the way you always apologise to an object after tripping over it, I love the way you laugh, the way you always engage everyone in a deep conversation. I love you. And moving to Seoul will not change the way I feel about you.”

You could barely react before you realised that your lips were the one reacting. You stood on your tippy toes and pressed a kiss to Yoongi’s lips. Your lips were coated with your salty tears and you could feel that Yoongi was crying as well.

It was a messy kiss, with the both of you bawling, and the people all around you just walking and doing their own thing. It was also one of desperation, the two of you trying to cling to each other with the limited time the two of you had left with each other.

When you pulled away, Yoongi had to leave almost immediately and you opened your mouth to say three words that could have or not made all the difference.

But he was gone. Lost in the crowd of people.

You didn’t even get to say it back. You’ve always felt something different for Yoongi, besides the admiration and fondness but your innocence prevented you from completely figuring it out. Your mother has always warned you about best friends who felt infatuated to the other, but her words fell on deaf ears.

But Yoongi’s confession was like an eye opener.

You were in love with him too.

But you didn’t get to say it back. You don’t even know if you will ever get the chance to ever say it back in real life.

Because Yoongi is gone.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

I had this article written out mentally. I had a pretty good idea of what I was going to say.

Then a paragraph came flying in through messenger like a brick and knocked me to the ground in pain. It made me re-think some of what I was going to say.

Now I have to start over.

I am only writing these so that I can try to shed some guilt and at least make an attempt at explaining myself and closing some doors. These may not be very appeasing, but I honestly have nothing to lose, and would rather be embarrassingly honest.

The other day I did something wrong, and the first thing my dad said was "I don't know where your mother and I went wrong in raising you....."

Do you know how much that hurts to hear? Do you? I get yelled at alot for doing things wrong or the hard way or just understanding instructions wrong.

I am already hard on myself. I say it. Others say it. Most of the people on this list have probably said it at some point or another.

But hearing that? That fucked me up inside.

I am the problem. I am always the problem. I'm a pathetic piece of shit that doesn't do shit right, doesn't understand, doesn't know, and gets yelled at for everything.

The recurring theme here is going to be jealousy, controlling my surroundings, shutting things out, and overall selfishness...

JP-

I don't remember ever doing what I was accused of. It's just not something I would do, but if I did, I did. I've always thought it was the other person involved that did it. Sharing others' secrets isn't something I'm about. I wouldn't want mine shared, so I don't share others. But if I did, I did. Taylor told me some years later how things affected you. I wish none of that shit had ever gone down. It's been nothing but a thorn in my backside.

Taryn-

I don't know if ^^that^^ is part of why you hate me, or if there's something else entirely. For almost the entire time that we've known each other, you've had me blocked on FB and never so much as complained or thrown/given statement as to why. I've successfully-ish avoided you, your family, and your clique in general for the last 6,7,8 years or however long it has been. I've felt extremely uncomfortable when your dad has asked for computer help, but I only do it because it's the right and nice thing to do. I've avoided the winter bowling league because you are there, I've gone the long way around many times because you are there. Now that you are married, that has added a whole new realm of people for me to generally avoid. Not because I have to, but because I don't want to get close enough for you to maim me like the muscular lionesse that you are. I don't know what else to do or say, other than I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did to scorn you. I know I'm a dumb ass and we'll probably never be anything close to friends...it would just be nice if I didn't have to awkwardly avoid you out of fear and if we could at least say hi to eachother in passing every once and a while.

And yes, you (and your parents too) legitimately scare the ever-living shit out of me.

Mackenzie-

We have known eachother for a long time. We had our ups and downs, but you've been an important friend to me over the years. I haven't looked forward to moving on, but you have your own family and busy, busy life to deal with now and I know that there is no room for a high school friend anywhere in that puzzle. As much as it hurt to be at the receiving end of the thing you did, it also showed how much you cared. I appreciated that, and the rare serious talks that we would have at night. You could explain things in ways others couldn't and answer the questions I didn't want to ask and ones I didn't even have. We also shared alot of laughing moments and learning moments together. You're responsible for alot of what I did and didn't do in high school. I've also worried about you from time to time, hoping that your condition wouldn't reflare.

Mallorey-

I've had a crush on you ever since we worked together in high school. You have alot of drive and motivation. You could be a great inspiration to others, if you came out of your shell a little more often. But like me, I know that is a difficult thing for you to do. That's one of the several things we have in common. I appreciate that over the years, you have told me things and we have had our deep talks. We have gone years without talking much less seeing eachother in the past, but this time feels different. As though you are not there at all. Or is it myself who does not exist anymore?

Destiny-

I had a crush the moment I laid eyes on you, before I even knew your name or knew who you were. The next time I saw you with Keith, the feeling I had was some sort of pain, but over time I got over it since I didn't have to see you. Then I got you the job working with me....and all it did was cause me more problems to deal with. I enjoyed your company and compassion and being able to easily talk...but it was still taking a toll on me. I abandoned ship to get away from you, and started the temporary downturn of my career, until I quit completely. Now I don't get to see you at all, and we hardly talk, but it makes my life easier not having to see you on a regular basis. I miss that company and compassion at times...I feel like you are a knife-edge to my feet.

Rebecca-

You are fun but serious. Working for your mum was extremely difficult in alot of ways. Some things made me stronger and better as a person, but others had be feeling like a worthless peon. I always enjoyed when you were around because you helped balance situations, even when you became the 'fall guy'. I don't agree with alot of how you were treated or how things were done with your name on them and how you got pushed so far beyond your limits in a multitude of ways. You are smart, skilled, and tested...but had the volatility of any other person under those stresses. You were a good friend to have. Sometimes too good of a friend.

Jett-

I have known your dad for several years now. Early on, he told me about the troubles in your upbringing. I always asked him how you were doing when we talked, because I was concerned and didn't want you to have the problems and issues that I have. There were alot of things that he never understood and I had to explain to him about being atypical and diverse. I never wanted to talk to you, but when he asked me to, I didn't want to tell him no. I know I hurt your feelings along the way. I tried to use your preferred name instead of your birthname, even when it just didn't feel comfortable to do so. Knowing you as one name and one personality for so long at a distance, then finding out you went by a new name and new personality was tough for me to accept. I wanted to (and still do)support you along the way, I just wasn't a very good friend at all. I'm sorry.

Jordin-

You're cute. There is no denying that. I also thought you were much older when we met (don't take that the wrong way). Once I learned your real age, I had to wipe my brain and just watch from afar. The day that you posted a photo of yourself in bed with Philpot (then alluded to it over and over again tagging your hotel stays with him and all that stuff), I slowly lost respect for you. I'm a stupid dumb ass by most regards, and I still know better than to do that. I kept an open mind about the things I read and was told when you broke up after that. But then seeing you latch to Kilgore rather quickly after the breakup, that didn't sit well with me. I'm old-school when it comes to time tables. Seeing you leap like a frog from one lillypad to another rubbed me the wrong way. And the level that ya'll shared every. single. moment. involving or around eachother...it kept rubbing me the wrong way. When you up and moved across the state chasing a boy after (was it even 6 or 8 months?). Ugh. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to let go. I couldn't keep watching this real-life movie play out in either "Perfect Love" or "The Lie Before The Blowup". Just just because I was jealous that you found eachother and Kilgore got a good score, yea those orntrue too. But I just couldn't stand seeing all this lovey dovey blah blah blah gushing hearts.

I HAD to cut loose to save my own sanity. I'm old school. I keep bedroom/hotelroom shit to myself (give or take my rants and vents on this blog) or at least out if public eye. I believe in dating for a year or two or three before getting engaged. Waiting a year after that. Moving in together....somewhere along the way.

Honestly, when I found out you were engaged after not even a year....I thought for sure somewhere there were going to be ultrasound photos. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. It's just not something that alot of people are used to.

I don't have anything against you or your dad or Austin. I just can't take having all that love and shit shoved through my eyeballs.

Not that my or most anyone else's opinion should ever matter in what you do.

I'm just saying what I'm thinking.

"Jenny"-

I have already said everything there is to say.

I'll miss you.

Yea, I'll miss you.

But I won't wish you were there.

[thisisabouta]

This is About a... Double Standard.

Sometimes I think about a situation so intensely but get absolutely nowhere in my search for clarity or reasoning and other times, it takes a few minutes but there it appears- the fucking light turns on. I’ve walked into an extremely frustrating situation that is very difficult to manage. I lived at home for a long time. I moved out for the first time when I was 22 or 23. I moved to California for 9 months and was tested in every way possible. I shared a room with my cousin for a few months when I first got there and it was tolerable. That living arrangement completely fell apart and I moved in with my guy best friend who was staying in a house with 7 other people.

I slept on a blow up mattress in his room although I’m sure he wouldn’t have bothered him at all if I slept in the bed with him. That was s difficult friendship to navigate. Nonetheless, my habits remained the same. I went to work, came home and stayed to myself in our room. I came out and talked to the other roommates occasionally, there was one who I was briefly involved with, but engaging with them was nowhere near a priority. I ended up moving out of that house with my best friend and we got a two bedroom apartment together.

Everything was fine, until it wasn’t. We hung out every now and then but he was always bringing weird, extremely sketchy people over who made me uncomfortable and putting us both in very dangerous situations so due to that and my own habits, I chose to stay to myself. Him being frustrated that I was distancing myself and a drug fueled death threat caused me to move in with complete strangers whom I met on Craigslist. A married couple with two kids and a lot of empty rooms in a suspiciously empty house. I talked to the wife on the phone long enough to feel comfortable with going over and viewing the house. It seemed fine and she wasn’t asking for a security deposit so I moved in. There was no tv in my room or the living room and I didn’t have a computer so I spent ALOT of time in my room, playing solitaire on my ipod. This is also when I discovered the author Kay Redfield Jamison. Changed my life but that’s another story.

As it turned out, her husband also had a problem with me distancing myself. He sat and talked with me one evening after I went in the kitchen to get some food (and when it was way too late for us to be talking) and talked to me about how I should be more social and come out hang out with them. I tried doing that a few nights later and I ended up spending most of the night in the kitchen talking to his wife about her ex boyfriend and how much she missed him and how he was “the one who got away.” Her husband was probably two feet away the entire time. That was a failed experiment.

They ended up exposing themselves as terrible people and we all got evicted because they didn’t have enough money to pay their bills despite moving 3 more people into their house. No, they graciously didn’t ask for a security deposit in the beginning but they did ask for it later on, with no notice and they also asked for my rent early so they could pay off some credit cards. When they moved to a hotel and brought all of their tenants with them so they could transition into their new house, they left me behind like a stray dog because her husband “couldn’t understand my personality and maybe I should’ve hung out with them more.” I was homeless for three days.

Fast forward to moving in with my last LA roommate. He was this chill, mexican guy who I got along with at first but he was too OCD and we shared a kitchen and a bathroom. Not a good combination. We went out to a club together once and had dinner together a couple times. I stayed to myself still (the whole situation was obviously awkward) but he didn’t care as much as my roommates before him. That situation soured and I moved back to Washington. I moved back in with my mother who knew I liked to be left alone. I was back in my natural habitat but living with her was also still a terrible idea. I ended up moving in with a friend of a friend. We agreed upon fairly cheap rent and when they had parties, I would keep to myself in my room.

Again, they had a problem with that. I don’t know exactly what the issue was and still don’t. It could’ve been the lack of socializing and some other shit but I’m beyond caring when it comes to that. Our mutual friend ended up moving in also and sleeping out on the couch with her boyfriend. There was also another boyfriend and five children under the age of seven living there. Not even a remotely comfortable situation for me to be in. I kept to myself as much as possible because of my own personal issues and I was being paid to basically babysit her kids although if I was in a good mood, I would take care of them on short notice and pick them up from school. Our mutual friend moving in didn’t change anything for me or make me more comfortable. I still isolated and it bothered her but we never talked about it.

I ended up moving back in with my mother and then getting my own apartment once her husband told me I had to move out. In their house, I went out of my way to not spend any time anywhere but my room and thankfully, I had my own bathroom. His issues were me not contributing to groceries although the ONLY times I ate there was when my Grandmother cooked and I literally couldn’t decline because she would be offended (real thing), how I didn’t sweep or vacuum (areas of the house that I didn’t use) and that I didn’t get up to answer the door when the doorbell rang despite him being perfectly capable to do so. I was also on a new med cocktail at the time so got 99% of theses incidents, I was knocked the fuck out and didn’t even hear the doorbell ring. Obviously, that didn’t fucking matter.

I got my own place finally and it was amazing. I loved, well... I loved the inside of my apartment and I was comfortable there and there was no one to bother me. I could just be left alone. After a year there, I happily moved to Seattle. I had my own place for two years which was also great but of course all good things must come to an end. There was only one instance where I was really scared about getting my rent paid on time but for the most part, I was handling it. There were nights that I was lonely and I had people over occasionally but it was on my terms. That’s how I always need things to be.

Fast forward to present day and I currently have a roommate. I knew she’d be someone I could live with but I had to have a talk with her prior to all of this. I explained to her that I’ve had problems with all of my roommates before her, along with my mother. A small number of these people didn’t mind that I isolated but there was a larger number of people who had a serious problem with it. I let her know that that’s how I choose to live and I asked her if she was sure that she wanted to live with me. She also knows about a majority of the aforementioned scenarios. I told her that I was more than likely going to do the same thing and here I am, doing the exact same thing and again, it’s a fucking problem.

Now this isn’t even about me isolating. I’m sure I don’t come off as a great person but I have my reasons for doing what I do and with my mind state, I don’t feel like I should have to justify that to anyone unless I care to do so and if I’m paying my rent on time, I should live however the fuck I want. Period. No, this is about an expectation. If I tell someone my reasoning behind my actions, that’s it. You don’t have to agree with it but you will respect it if I’m holding up my end of the deal which I have done in every last one of these situations. I have been having terrible day after terrible day and when I get home, I don’t want to talk about it. If I come to a place where I do want to talk about it, I will but I do not want to feel cornered or interrogated. If this felt more like a naturally occurring situation and less like an ambush, I probably wouldn’t be as hesitant but that’s not what’s happening. I have a way of doing things and it’s kept me alive this far. I don’t need anyone coming in and throwing me off track and despite it seeming like these people are just trying to help me, they’re not.

This is also about a double standard. At this point in my life, I can’t count how many times i’ve been in a situation where a guy has told me that he’s “not ready for a relationship”. Granted I know in most of these cases, it means he’s just not ready for a relationship with ME personally but the idea behind it still applies. I’ve spent a majority of my dating life dealing with this and I’ve never let it go without a fight. Why would I? If a guy tells me that he’s not ready for a relationship, naturally that means that I need to be the one to change his mind or I need to stick the shit out because he will of course wake up one day, turn and look at me and realize that i’m the one. Even after the guy I lost my virginity to told me that he “couldn’t see himself spending the rest of his life with me”, I swore he was blind and was going to change his mind eventually. He didn’t.

I currently have a guy in my life who is slipping away and I finally came to the realization that I have to let that happen. There are people who are worth fighting for and then there’s just plain fucking ignorance. I’ve been so frustrated and playing the conversation I had with my roommate in my head over and over again, trying to understand why she is basically completely ignoring me telling her what the fuck is up and how she’s not going to get the attention that she needs from me. We also had a conversation months prior to this about our friendship and me telling her that I’ve been fucking run dry with drama and bullshit and I don’t have anything to give anyone right now. I don’t know when I will.

The fucking light turned on. Me sitting there and telling her exactly what the situation is and all of these guys being straightforward with me and again, telling me exactly what the situation is are basically the same thing. I never wanted to accept it and now i’m in a situation where the tables have turned and I’m the one being misunderstood. The last boy who I actually wanted/want to be in a relationship with told me before we had sex for the first time that he didn’t want a relationship. He claims he doesn’t want to “put his problems on someone else”. Whether that’s bullshit or not is besides the point. He literally told me what he doesn’t want, I still had sex with him knowing I wasn’t going to be 100% ok with that and now here I am, pissed off that he doesn’t want to be with me.

The door has been blown off the fucking hinges. I can’t say that I’m completely in a mans mindset cause i’ll never know exactly how the male mind works but this shit is so obvious, it’s scary. How in the hell am I going to tell someone my boundaries, my limits, what I don’t want and how I am but then turn around and have a man do the same thing all while planning my procedure on completely changing him. Whether it’s smoke and mirrors or the absolute truth, I should take it for face value. If I’m going to expect someone to respect what I say and not try to change me then I also need to learn how to leave well enough alone. I wish my friends would do the same.