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sunshineyuuji · 2 years

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Hi I’m glad you’re feeling better. I was wondering if you could write a Dazai x a gender neutral MC where he finds out the reader has depression but also finds out the reader has healthy coping mechanisms and they talk and teach him about it.

Thank you

❤️❤️❤️

"I want a happy ending with you..."

Characters: Osamu Dazai

Warnings: depression, overthinking, insecurities, coping with depression, mentions of reader not eating, gn!reader, mentions of suicide (Dazai's death), maybe bad English?, idk if Dazai will be ooc but just in case, brief mention of panic attacks, it's quite long, ngl;

Notes: hello, Nani~! Thank you so much for worrying~ ♡. I'm happy that you requested, though I must say you caught me by surprise with this request. Personally, as someone who deals with depression, I don't know if I have a coping mechanism for depression? I just try and distract myself from overthinking? (Never ignore your feelings, please. Look for someone willing to hear you) But I'm glad I can talk about this. Also, I'll be speaking from MY experience dealing with depression so I want to be clear that not everyone deals with depression the same way just in case anyone gets confused, ok? Well, I hope I can do this without fucking up. And sorry if it's too long for your liking and uhhh maybe the end is a bit rushed?? Idk, I'm sorry. And sorry for posting this so late!

Osamu Dazai isn't only known for his amazing and shocking books, but also because of his tragic ending. He died by committing suicide with his lover, Tomie Yamazaki, on June 13, 1948. But an opportunity came and Le Comte de Saint-Germain gave him the chance to continue living as a vampire moments before his death... And he accepted.

It is well known that Osamu Dazai battled with depression most of his life, attempting suicide more than once. His decision of living as an immortal is still a mystery.

But he doesn't regret being an immortal being, not now that he met you. You were the most beautiful and extraordinary person in his eyes and nothing could change his mind. You were gorgeous and deserved to be treated like royalty. You were his light.

But he was no fool. Though he always seemed silly and loved to tease, that didn't mean he was a fool, on the contrary. Of all thr guests in the mansion, he was the most observant and attentive to any physical or emotional change in other people. And he knew damn well what you were thinking or feeling.

Depression. You were battling with depression, just like he was.

It all started with the panic attacks you started to have when you arrived at the mansion. I mean, who wouldn't be anxious? You were all alone stuck in another century in a mansion full of men. And if that wasn't scary enough, those men were vampires. You had all the right to be anxious.

He didn't pay much attention to it at first. I mean, he helped you to accommodate in the mansion and was always there to get a smile out of you, but he didn't really think anything else about the panic attacks.

That was until the sudden episodes started.

They started out of nowhere. The night before you could be giggling and dancing with all the guests in the house then the next day in the morning you were oddly quiet. The forced smile on your face when any of the guests were talking, but as soon as they took their eyes off of you, your smile would disappear and you would remain silent again while you stared into space.

When you two started dating, he noticed more about you that just screamed what you were going through. You were always overthinking about the most simple things and were constantly insecure, asking yourself is you were good enough for him or if you could ever make him happy. Then he noticed that you barely slept at night, but always felt sleepy during the day. But what made him step in was when you refused to eat your meal once when you clearly didn't eat all day.

Dazai knew what was going on inside your head and, while he didn't know how to help himself, he wanted to help you because if he helped you he could be better. So he decided to talk to you about it.

"Oh, that..." you whispered, not knowing how to talk about it. "Yes, I'm aware that I did wrong on skipping my meal today... That's why I'm going for a walk."

Anyone else wouldn't have thought anything of what you said, but not Dazai. Dazai felt his chest sink as you said the words "go for a walk." He didn't know if you also had those thoughts and, although he had resorted to double suicide on multiple occasions, he tried to ignore those thoughts and if he dragged you along with him he would lose you forever.

"I'll go with you." he offered, hiding his fear in a smile. "How impolite of me it would be to let you walk alone at this time of the afternoon, don't you think?"

You stayed a few long seconds in silence, contemplating if nothing would happen if he went with you. In the end you agreed to his offer with the thought in mind that maybe, just maybe, this walk could help him too.

"But eat something first." he ordered, his tone still soft and gentle. "I won't let you leave until you eat something."

Although little, you were able to eat the delicious dinner that you had helped Sebastian make. You ate quickly because you wanted to go out and clear your mind. You didn't want to, you had to.

"Can we please go to a walk now?" you pleaded and Dazai had no choice but to go out with you. Using the door, of course. Through the window it was going to be difficult for you.

Dusk came and the sky was painted a set of orange and purple colors. The atmosphere was perfect for a date like those you two used to have from time to time, but today was going to be an exception.

You both walked in silence without any exact destination. Dazai expected you to say something to him, but you only admired the beautiful surroundings. What distracted you was a quiet and lonely children's park. You looked at Dazai, and without waiting for an answer, you walked over to the swings and began to swing.

"Come sit with me." you called out to him while smiling softly.

He quickly sits on the swing next to you and rocks with you. You both enjoy the relaxing atmosphere, the afternoon breeze, and the soft laughter that you both let out. For a moment, you both forgot the real reason you had come out. You felt happy to be able to enjoy this moment with him, even though you knew that this joy would vanish for the moment, but you didn't care. At this precise moment, you didn't care because you knew that the reason for your happiness was Dazai.

But... You stopped. You stopped because even though you were happy with him, you had to talk to him. You continued to rock, but your laughter stopped.

"Dazai, love." you called, causing him to stop.

"Yes?" he answered.

"You know... I know that you better than anyone can understand what's happening to me. These sudden mood swings and so on..."

Dazai stopped swinging on the swing and looked at you. He didn't know what to answer you, although what you said was true: Dazai could understand you better than anyone.

"Sometimes I go out to distract myself." you continued talking. "I'm always looking for something to distract myself and try not to get consumed by it. I'm trying, I swear."

That piqued his curiosity. Distract you? Did that work? He personally never knew how to deal with his depression, since he lived in other times, but he was interested in knowing how you managed to deal with it.

"What things do you do to distract yourself?" Dazai asked interested.

"Oh! Well... I sometimes sneak to hear Mozart playing, which relaxes me." you started to explain a little embarrassed. "Or I bake too. Sometimes sleeping helps."

"That's... I didn't know there were ways to help deal with this." Dazai admitted, fascinated. "So you do things you like to distract and relax yourself?"

"That's correct." you gave him a small smile.

"I see... Can I try something like that too?" Dazai asked.

"Of course! Just look for things that can relax you." you recommended.

"Writing works... And spending time with you."

You blushed when you heard what he said and lowered your head, smiling.

He loved you. You both loved each other. You might have your problems, but you loved each other deeply. Your wish, his wish, the wish of both of you was to overcome whatever life threw at you and be together... For eternity.

#headcanons #cybird ikemen #otome game #cybird otome #ikemen series #ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikemen vampire dazai #ikevamp dazai #ikevamp dazai × reader #ikemen imagines #ikemen headcanons

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dyouevendraw · 7 months

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About me

So, I thought I’d probably be best to just make a pinned post with some info so I’m not just a void who throws art a a wall. (I’m probably gonna edit as things change) But here we go:

My tiktok is dyoueven

My instagram is dyouevendraw

My name is D, sometimes people still call me Fay, I don’t mind that either

I’m 22 years old

I use they/them pronouns, I’m fine with he/him too. I’d call myself nonbinary or even agender, leaning towards the masc side. It’s a struggle

Additionally to that, I am ace and my romantic attraction is 🤷🏼. I like androgyny and femininity if that says anything lmao

I have a hypermobilty condition, thus, my physical health is very inconsistent. Sometimes I feel fine for weeks, sometimes I can barely move my arms. Luckily, I don’t dislocate easily, I mostly get joint pain, pinched nerves, random bruises and badly healing wounds. Additionally, I seem to have a mild variant of long covid, which is making my lungs weak, so sometimes physical activities winds me badly even though it’s not hard work.

I am autistic and only found out around 2 years ago, thus, school burned me out! I was bullied by my teachers and they ignored all the signs of a struggling student, so I developed bad social anxiety (added by other events with former friends and general genetics probably). I took a year off of art to focus on getting a better mindset, and I guess I’ve been back since this year.

I am a clumsy and unlucky person, that’s why I say I am like Xie Lian a lot (send me a Hua Cheng)

I like k-pop. Currently, I like BTS, TXT, SKZ, LE SSERAFIM, New Jeans, Red Velvet and SHINee.

Other artists I like are: Tatsuya Kitani, Eve, The Oral Cigarettes, Vaundy, King Gnu, Queen Bee and MCR (what a mix)

Fandoms I’m in include(I’m sure I’ll add more danmei when I’m done reading them):

TGCF (I have beef with it but I’m deeply in love)

MDZS

SVSSS (still reading, on volume 2)

JJK

AOT

Sometimes I like Marvel. I only care about Spider-Man and Loki

TLOZ

Pokémon

(Always open to suggestions for more things, especially when they’re queer🤠👍🏻)

I write my own stories and am working on an AU that includes many fantastical being, though I am not entirely sure if that’s ever gonna see the light of day bc I don’t see anyone caring about my writing lol (it already has 137.000 words I’m not even joking it’s not funny, why am I writing this)

I’m sure I’ll post more of my OC’s when I find the time. My favorite is Harumi, he’s the main character in the fantastic beings AU, as a werewolf

I am so sorry my humor is super trauma based, bare with me it’s okay to laugh at my pain, it’s how I process, I swear

My favorite food is anything indian (especially aloo mutter, I bathe in that), pizza (only the one I make), and (red) thai curry.

That’s the only thing that sets me apart from Xie Lian, I eventually did learn how to cook and apparently people like my food!! (I add cinnamon and chili to everything, maybe that’s the key?)

I love building lego and organizing things by category (why I didn’t get diagnosed with asd is beyond me, I’ve always been like that)

I mostly draw on an Ipad with procreate, but I wanna get into watercolor and copics too, I just feel like I’m wasting the suff when things don’t turn out how I wanted them to be

I am horrible at texting and get anxious over it

I had another account here I was running for years, but I was in a pretty icky fandom and didn’t want to associate with the reputation that came with it, thus, I left. I am not the stupid, hurt and depressed teenager I was anymore, and that’s great!

I am german, though, I speak English so much I might as well be a native speaker

That’s it for now, you can always feel free to ask my questions, my (anonymous) asks, submissions and reblogs are always open, I just won’t answer if you’re rude🤠✌🏻

#artists on tumblr #about me #about myself #about the blogger #about the artist #art #random #text post #pinned post #danmei #tgcf #anime

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ender-goo · 1 year

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Le vent

I feel none of my friends want to talk to me, wonderful.

Is so fucking demoralizing that just a few weeks ago i was feeling so well and hopeful and finally thinking "maybe things will be okay" for all of it to be thrown away in less than a fucking day. Now i'm back to "good" ol' Ender, the depressed one, the one that hates everything, the one who's stressed and anxious all the fucking time for no reason, the one who thinks his friends hate him.

Basically, i'm back to the worst version of myself.

I'm tired, man.

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noxexistant · 1 year

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Hi I wanna know what you think all the newsies’ mental illnesses are 😤

Or as many as you can think of

oh, hell yes. bout to put my lifetime of my own brain plus everyone i’ve met through mental health exploration and treatment plus living in care with other traumatised and mentally ill kids to work. (although, obligatory disclaimer, these are just ideas and me messing around, mental health is messy and complicated especially when translating between modern understanding and how that would’ve been understood and expressed in-period. this is not me formally diagnosing these characters, more just being like ‘hey, what if’ in a more nebulous sense. and, again, mental health is messy!)

first of all, jack definitely has c-ptsd - complex post-traumatic stress disorder, caused by consistent and long-term trauma and, as the name implies, with more complicated and far-reaching symptoms than ‘standard’ ptsd. he dissociates a lot, and his visions of santa fe can border on delusion when he’s in worse states - which can sometimes border on hypomania. his self-esteem is unstable and imbalanced, and he has a lot of issues with paranoia; he believes the world is against him, that anyone will betray him, that any information learned about him will be used against him. he lies compulsively as a result, about even the most innocuous stuff. he uses anger as a cover for his emotions. he’s restless and unable to really hold grudges because he’s so desperate for bonds, but he’s also quick to back off when people get too close. he has a pretty fearful-avoidant attachment style, but feels deeply betrayed when other parties are the ones to back away from him instead of the other way around. he also probably has adhd, defined by hyperfocus and hyperfixations and inattentiveness to anything he finds dull, he’s fidgety and talks a lot and usually ends up putting his foot in his mouth and then talking even more.

david has anxiety and frequent panic attacks, and i can also see him having ocpd - obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which is entirely separate from ocd. it’s characterised by a need for perfection and severe anxiety when things aren’t perfect, holding unrealistically high expectations for himself and others, and getting very anxious/distressed when mistakes are made by himself or others. he likes things organised and structured, his perfectionism holds him back from actually doing things, he focuses on work and productivity rather than his needs or hobbies, he has trouble delegating or working with others as he can believe that he’s the only person who can do something right. he has to hold himself back from immediately re-doing tasks for others, like when one of the other newsies ties their boots sloppily or les doesn’t fold his clothes right or sarah doesn’t wash the dishes properly. he’s also autistic.

crutchie has ptsd, bouts of depression, and is all but incapable of being honest about his emotions - he’d rather keep them under wraps and all but avoid them entirely, would sooner make himself sick with them than express them openly to others. he also dissociates, which helps with avoiding emotions, though his dissociative bouts happen most commonly after ptsd triggers or flashbacks. he goes empty-eyed and unresponsive when he’s dissociating, just staring into the middle distance, and he can’t get out of bed on the worst days of his depression. he won’t eat, won’t speak, will at most just try and smile at anyone who expresses concern - tight-lipped, more of a grimace than anything.

race has adhd and episodes of hypomania. he exhibits self-destructive and self-endangering behaviours, including starting fights and generally just doing stupid stuff that could well get him and others hurt, and he absolutely cannot be talked down when he’s hypomanic. he has aggressive/violent outbursts if anyone tries, will stop talking to them - usually running away to brooklyn entirely - until he’s come down by himself, and then he’ll come back and apologise sincerely for what he might’ve said when he was “jittery”. the others are always understanding, though race still harbours a lot of shame for it. he’s terrified one day he’ll say or do something that makes spot hate him.

albert is anxious and restless and a kleptomaniac - he steals compulsively, particularly anything shiny or expensive-looking. he’s not great with relationships, tends to have little interest in other people, and can’t really read tone or social cues. i could see him having symptoms of autism or schizoid personality disorder, which have a considerable overlap in symptoms, most commonly characterised by difficulty with relationships and disinterest and “lack of humour” and preferring being alone - though quite probably not enough symptoms to be diagnosed with either (speaking in the realms of a modern au).

finch, i could totally see having schizoid personality disorder. he’s paranoid too, frequently gets the idea in his head that he’s being watched or followed, particularly since he ran away, or feels like the others are talking about him. he hoards food (as much as he can when there’s so little of it) and has a lot of sleep problems, sleeping little and light. he doesn’t really dream, but when he does they’re stress dreams or nightmares and he always wakes up with his heart pounding. he’ll spend the time until the bell rings sat up, eyes darting around the room, sure there’s something, someone, something.

specs has symptoms of ocd, most commonly rituals to ensure the safety of the other newsies. he has to wash his face just right so that everyone sells okay that day, and step over the trolley lines perfect because if he doesn’t someone‘ll get hit, touch each of the beds in a certain order to make sure everyone’s safe for the night, stuff like that. his glasses are also always spotless, and nobody can touch them.

tommy boy stammers and has social anxiety. splasher has ptsd, and frequent nightmares because of it - and an intense fear of abandonment. elmer has very little self-esteem and is loud/disruptive for attention, including making out-of-turn jokes. henry harbours nothing but guilt for his father’s death (even though it wasn’t at all his fault, it’s often just how grief manifests) and isn’t processing his grief at all, sometimes he’ll lose himself in the delusion that his father isn’t really dead and the deli is still waiting for him; he also has a lot of issues with food, including binging when food is available.

spot’s got c-ptsd and his complicated emotions tend to manifest as anger/aggression. he doesn’t know how to articulate his feelings, and usually won’t try. she’s kind of terrified by her relationship with race, because she doesn’t know why race likes her and wholly believes that he’ll suddenly stop. their sense of self-esteem is very complicated - very high in some aspects, and non-existent in others. he can struggle with depersonalisation.

and, bonus, because i’m me:

the delanceys both have c-ptsd. oscar has adhd and antisocial personality disorder. morris has bpd and autism. feel free to ask me if you wanna hear more about them, or about any other characters i didn’t mention, or even just more about a character in particular <3

#answered #anonymous #my headcanons

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thebrownssociety · 2 years

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For Pepé Le Pew, Wile E. Coyote, and Roadrunner, please

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on

16. Deepest darkest secret they won’t even admit to themselves

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about

34. How they react when they are feeling angry

37. What they really think about themselves

2: A canon or headcanon hill I will die on

Wile.E - Despite being a Toon he's not massively keen on kids. It's because they're quite spontaneous and Wile.E finds that stressful to deal with. There's a reason he teaches at university/college level.

He's very good with his own son, I should point out. Calamity. And he's very good with his nephew Lil Beaper. He understands the pair of them well and it helps that they're both very intelligent. Also it helps that Calamity lives with him and Lil Beaper sees him practically every few days, so they're very used to him.

Since having Calamity he's read a lot of parenting books and tries to follow their instructions. Obviously that doesn't always work though, which inevitably gets Wile.E frustrated. Over the years though - and with help, support and guidance from Roadie, Scratchansniff and the rest of the LT's - he's gotten more confident. Also helps that Toons in general have a culture that's very much 'it takes a village to raise a child' mentality.

Pepe - He's a coffee drinker, not a tea drinker. He HATES tea with a passion and, if he has to drink it to be polite, will either find a plant to subtlety throw it into or let it go cold, then say it's 'undrinkable' and throw it away.

With the invention of Microwaves that's scuppered his plans a bit, as the host will sometimes say. 'Would you like me to heat it up for you?'

So Pepe has to go. "Oh...non. It'z fine. I'll do it." And then he's got to find a way to accidently-on-purpose throw it away. The other LT's know he doesn't drink tea though, so it's only some of the Disney Tunes that try to serve it him.

Roadrunner - He's really good with kids. All kids. They love him and like to follow him round and ride on his back. [This is for kids under 5, I should point out.] Baby's reach out for him, toddlers try and hug him [and sometimes pluck him, depending on how motor-controlled they are] and he's got a long line of kids that he babysits. It's a good way to make money when not filming.

As you might imagine he's really good with his own kid - Lil Beaper - and his nephew [Calamity.] Although as they've got older they now think he's embarrassing and try to distance themselves from him. [Watching your dad/uncle give random kids piggy-backs is embarrassing once you hit 13, apparently.]

16. Deepest darkest secret they won’t even admit to themselves

Wile.E - He's convinced he isn't really clever. Sure he can speak multiple languages, invent things that most others wouldn't even consider to be possible and is actually a teacher, but there's always other people better than him. He's really hard on himself and covers it up with a smug exterior. It cracks occasionally - especially in moments of high stress - but he pulls himself back together easily and most Toons just think it's a strange glitch. He tries to push it down because if he thinks about it to much he gets depressed and anxious.

Pepe - He wishes he fought in the war. He's seen the effects it's had on the other toons and feels a bit useless because he can never properly understand what they went through and so when they freak out or have a severe flashback or something, he has no idea what to do. Obviously he's not going to voice this because he knows it sounds insane.

Roadrunner - He's actually really open with himself and doesn't really have secrets. The main thing he's worried about that he won't voice is that Wile.E will die via blowing himself up or something. It's hard for most toons to discuss death because - they're toons, they're not going to die. Not that there's any evidence that they don't just have long life spans...ok that's enough thoughts for now. Let's go for a run. [He runs a lot to take his mind of his dark thoughts]

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about

Wile.E - He sees Scratchansniff about his anxiety and feelings of being inferior. They've made progress actually and Wile.E has a couple of strategies now for dealing with this. Writing down his feelings and keeping a log of inventions that have worked and haven't to refer back to and why. Contrary to what is shown on screen most of his inventions DO work.

Pepe - He sees Scratchansniff about his feelings regarding his stink and his being dropped from the show. He's developed depression over the years and has been issued Toon Medication for him to help fight it.

Roadrunner - Roadie doesn't really see a therapist. If anything he's someone that over people end up confiding in because he's sometimes seen as not being very intelligent because he doesn't really talk. So other toons that aren't the Looney Tunes sometimes just rant at him or want to talk to him about something. He kinda falls into those situations though. He runs through Toon World and has met nearly every Toon in the world, if only briefly.

He does sometimes wonder if he should see Scratchansniff about his fear of Wile.E dying, but always talks himself out of it.

34. How they react when they are feeling angry

Wile.E - He'll go away and plan inventions to kill them with. He's got a notepad that he calls his 'Murder-Pad' [Please change the name Wile.E, Roadie says. He doesn't.] filled with ideas that he will never actually make a reality, but he likes to look at them and remind himself that he COULD make them if he wanted to. He's also a ranter and will find someone he trusts [usually Roadie. Sometimes Sylvester or Speedy if Roadie's not about.] and rant at them for ages.

Pepe - He'll either deliberately activate his stink so whatever's annoying him goes away or he'll remove himself from the room to calm down. He likes time to himself to calm down - other people being around just aggravates him further normally. [Penelope is a bit of an exception but even she leaves him alone if he's REALLY angry] Thing about Pepe though is he's quite calm and hard to annoy, so if he IS annoyed something major has occurred.

Roadrunner - Goes for a run. Literally outrunning his problems. He doesn't really yell or shout, but will occasionally burst into a rhyme-rant [literally rants in rhyme]. Occasionally if he's in the rare position of wanting to get someone away from himself or someone he cares about he will kick out with one of his legs and that tends to ward them off.

37. . What they really think about themselves

Wile.E - See 16.

Pepe - He thinks he's an outdated Toon who clinging onto the success of the Looney Tunes as a whole rather than him individually. He's also thinks other Toons won't see past his stink and it's part of the reason why he doesn't really socialise out of the Warner Brothers circle.

Roadrunner - He does wonder if he's trying hard enough to be sociable and friendly with toons other than Wile.E. He thinks he's a little bit shyer than other Toons would say he is. He also thinks he's not a good enough brother to Wile.E [they were created on the same date, so technically considered 'twins' by Toon standards] despite the fact that he often goes up and beyond to help Wile.E out and the coyote himself has said that Road Runner is the best brother he could ever ask for.

#Looney Tunes Asks #Wile.E Headcanons #Pepe Le Pew Headcanons #Roadrunner Headcanons #Toons Headcanons #Wile.E #Pepe Le Pew #Roadrunner #Deep thoughts #They all have issues

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uncloseted · 10 months

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Hi Christina, I really enjoy your scholarly deep dives on history and influential people. I was wondering if you could share any of your thoughts or articles on the dark side of Picasso (misogyny, stealing art from POC, etc? I recently heard about how he was a total piece of crap but I wanted to *how* and *why*. thank you in advance!

That's so nice of you! I can definitely explain the controversy around Picasso.

So, the biggest criticism that's usually leveraged against Picasso is that he was a misogynist or a chauvinist. It seems that he is generally considered to have been an abusive partner. He cheated on nearly all of his lovers and had many romantic affairs. One of those affairs was with French model Marie-Thérèse Walter, who was 17 at the time their relationship began and later died by suicide, as did his second wife, Jacqueline Roque. His first wife, Olga Khokhlova, and his lover Dora Maar both experienced nervous breakdowns. His son, Paulo, developed a fatal alcoholism due to depression. His grandson, Pablito, also died by suicide that same year by ingesting bleach when he was barred by Jacqueline Roque from attending the artist's funeral. It's unclear to me how much he was ultimately responsible for any one of those deaths, but it seems his treatment of those individuals played a part in their worsening mental health.

His lover, Dora Maar, told him that, "as an artist you may be extraordinary, but morally speaking you’re worthless.” His long time partner Françoise Gilot reports he told her that, "women are machines for suffering," and that "for me there are only two kinds of women: goddesses and doormats." Gilot details his abusive treatment towards her in her book, Life With Picasso. She also paints a picture of a man who's struggling with his own mental health- he is superstitious, anxious, unable to make trivial decisions, and volatile in his moods. Scholars have theorized that he suffered from depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, although of course, nobody can really say for sure.

In terms of appropriation or stealing art from people of color, these claims seem less substantial (at least from what I could find). In 1907, Matisse showed Picasso a Vili figure from what is now the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Picasso was drawn to it, in part because of his superstitious personality, and was inspired by its aesthetics. After that, he visited the Trocadero Museum, an anthropological museum that displayed (what they considered to be) "primitive" art. African art offered a completely different way of depicting the world than traditional European art did, and that different way of depicting the world eventually inspired Picasso to begin the Cubist movement. Picasso later began collecting African art, and had amassed over one hundred works by his death. Picasso initially acknowledged that African art inspired his work, although he would later deny that they was any connection. This much appears to be based in fact, rather than interpretation.

Les Demoiselles d’Avignon is the painting that is usually discussed in the context of Picasso and cultural appropriation. It is generally considered to be the first Cubist work that Picasso created. The faces of the two central figures in the painting are inspired by sculptural busts from Picasso's native Iberia, while the face of the woman in the top right corner appears to be inspired by the masks of the Dan tribe of the Ivory Coast. In the lower right, the woman's face appears to be inspired by the Mbuya Mask of the Pende people. Both the Dan masks and the Mbuya masks are of spiritual significance to their respective tribes.

The criticism of Picasso is typically that, while he was inspired by African art and aesthetics, he had little interest in African culture or understanding the significance of the pieces he borrowed from. In Les Demoiselles d’Avignon, the Iberian faces are centered in the painting, not the African ones. Are the African individuals in the painting merely props for his European subjects? Was he taking from an artistic culture that didn't belong to him? Was he romanticizing or fetishizing "primitive" people? By painting African masks into his work, is he expressing dominance over Africans or exploiting them? I think that's up to individual interpretation.

For me, personally, I think Picasso thought he was appreciating the art, and that Picasso didn't really have the cultural context to understand issues of appropriation. So I don't know how productive of a conversation "Picasso: Appreciator or Appropriator" is. I think the MOMA exhibition, 'Primitivism’ in 20th Century Art: Affinity of the Tribal and the Modern, had a good approach to this issue, as does the Picasso Museum in Paris. By showcasing the tribal art alongside Picasso's own work, it allowed for proper contextualization of Picasso's inspirations, acknowledgement of the crucial impact of African art on the development of Cubism, and underlined the importance of traditional African art. But I'm not African, and I'm not really an artist, so it's not my place to say.

Ultimately, I think my view on this is that we can't undo the past. Picasso is important not because of who he was as a person or any one piece he made, but because of his contributions to the field of modern art. You can't have a meaningful conversation about Cubism if you're determined not to talk about Picasso, and you can't have a meaningful conversation about Constructivism if you're determined not to talk about Cubism. His work remains culturally important because it's historically important, and I don't think we can really change that. I do think we can provide more context to his work (such as acknowledging African art's influence on his work) or have conversations about his work (what does his depiction of women say about his thoughts about women?), but to "cancel" his work papers over history as opposed to acknowledging it.

Some articles I read, if you're curious to learn more:

‘Notoriously cruel’: should we cancel Picasso? Collectors, artists, critics and curators decide

How Picasso’s Muse Became a Master

How Picasso Bled the Women in His Life for Art

Picasso Was Brutally Chauvinistic, But Does “Cancelling” Him Really Serve Anybody?

How Much Does Picasso Owe to African Art?

The Controversies of Picasso’s Les Demoiselles d’Avignon

‘Cultural appropriation is a two-way thing’: Yinka Shonibare on Picasso, masks and the fashion for black artists

Primitivism: Cultural Appropriation in the Art World

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levis-coffeecup · 1 year

Text

Chapter 19 | Tangled Threads

WC-6.3 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Hi guys,

Feels like I should stop making promises about when the next chapter will be out, because I always end up being late lol. But this time it was an internet issue I promise.

Also I don't know why I feel like there is a big para where the tense is different or the things just don't make sense. I've gone over that chapter once so hopefully its just me being anxious, and I haven't skipped past anything. (But if I have then please don't judge me and let me know lol).

This chapter was lowkey inspired by the song Phir Le Aya dil , so that's the song for this chapter. Also all the future songs for the chapters might be desi songs because being in New York only makes me feel more patriotic 🤡

Anyways thanks for tuning in, and I hope you find the chapter to your liking.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

JAN 847

Ivan’s wedding is finally here. And Levi and Mae settle in a hotel in Mitras, taking a night’s rest, before attending the function tomorrow.

The room they stay in is small. Meant for one person only, but it was the only thing that fit their budget, in a city as expensive as Mitras.

There’s a desk and chair in the opposite corner, with a cupboard next to it. And their shared suitcase lays open on the floor, with a towel kept on top of it.

Mae has cozied up on the bed. Fresh from a bath.

The trip from Jinae to Mitras has been exhausting. Her legs are sore from sitting in that cramped cart for so long. It was filled with people and there was not a single woman inside, besides her.

And she’s so grateful that Levi was with her. Even though he probably has no interest in Ivan’s wedding whatsoever. He made her feel so safe and protected.

Levi walks fresh out of the shower. With a pair of trousers on, and the scent of his body wash steaming out of the bathroom.

Her face softens.

Fresh drops of water still drip down his lower back, and coils of wet hair stick to his skin. And his muscles flex as he bends down to pick his towel from the suitcase.

And Mae pines over him in silence. Almost smiling.

She’s going to spend the next 3 days with him. A part of her is so excited, because this is the first time she gets to spend so long with him. But a part of her also doesn’t want to bring her hopes too high, in case she ends up getting disappointing again.

Because her relationship with Levi has always been a rocky one. Often leading to more doubt than warmth..

He takes the towel off his shoulders, and starts to dry his hair. And Mae can only stare as desire ignites in her stomach.

She hasn’t pecked his cheek, ever since that day, when he dropped her off home. She’s even stopped casually touching his arm. And much to her disappointment, Levi hasn’t brought it up.

She wonders if he ever misses it. She wonders if he ever melts at her touch, just like she does.

And tonight, it's just the two of them, staying in this dimly lit room with this small bed that can only fit one person. She wonders if he’ll initiate something. He’s a man after all.

“Levi!“ She chimes, her smile welcoming and her eyes are warm. And she pats the spot on the bed, next to her, as she sweetly mutters, “will you sleep on the bed next to me?”

“You can take the bed,” he answers instantaneously, continuing to pat his hair dry, Not even pondering over her offer for a moment.

And just like always, she tries but he doesn’t bother. And just like always, she reaches a hand forth, only to see him take 2 steps backward.

It adds to her frustration, like fuel to fire. “And where will you sleep?” She asks exasperated.

And Levi pauses, sensing the tiniest shifts in her mood. He looks up at her, his lithe eyebrows, rumpled.

He never sleeps on the bed, not even in his quarters.

He sleeps on his desk chair instead, with his ODM gear sprawled on the desk, in a way that if the titan breaks through any moment, he can quickly put the gear on. And be ready for what is to come.

He sleeps on his desk chair, so that he can feel the tremors on the ground, if the titans ever do barge in.

Because Levi lives every moment with the uncertainty of whether he’ll make it to the next.

And even though they are in Mitras, the safest spot in the walls. He still can’t get himself to sleep on the bed.

Habits from his past catch up to him. Unseen, unexpected tragedies have always found him. They have made him fearful, and it's indeed this fear instilled deep within him that makes him competent as a soldier..

And then there’s Mae too. He knows her back hurts from sitting in the cart all day long. And he wants her to have a good rest, he wants her to have the entire bed.

It's one of the ways he expresses his love for her. By always keeping her needs above his.

“The chair is good enough for me,” He speaks with diligence. And Mae finds the sincerity in his voice suffocating. She almost wants to scoff, but she also doesn't want to start a fight, this late at night.

Only married couples who can’t stand each other sleep separately.

And she wistfully watches, as he puts the towel aside, his hair now dried. She notices the exhaustion in his eyes and the slight slouch of his shoulders.

She’s told him how necessary good sleep is, for a soldier like him. She’s told him how bad sleeping on the chair is for his posture and his health. And she also set up a whole routine for him to follow before bed. To help him with his insomnia.

But he probably doesn’t even care enough to remember it. Let alone follow it.

Everything in this relationship feels so one-sided, it's exhausting.

And defeated, she flops down on the bed. Pushing herself in the corner, just in case Levi changes his mind and wants to sleep on the bed as well.

Goodnight, she wants to say to him. But it feels futile.

Little does she know Levi looks so exhausted, because he’s stayed awake a couple nights, to complete all his work. So that he can make it here.

And when he looks over to her sleeping figure, his face softens.

She looks so adorable, huddled up in a fuzzy blanket with just her head sticking out. He can’t help but make his way towards her.

The desire of being closer to her seems both illogical yet unquenchable. But he doesn’t want to go overboard like he once did, he doesn’t want to get lost in the current of his feelings and do something he will regret. And most of all he doesn’t want to hurt her in any way.

Because he has never been good at anything gentle. He’s scared that he’ll touch her and she’ll shatter at the strength his hand holds. That someday he’ll touch her and she’ll disappear. Making all his fears come to fruition.

So his hands quake as they extend towards her cheek, as if she is a precious imagery that will distort the moment he touches her.

Erwin’s words still ring in his head loud and clear.

And he wonders if he’s being too selfish, by still keeping her around when he’ll never be able to provide her the type of life he wants her to live. He wonders if he’s being too cruel to her, when he knows that their story will end grimly either way.

And the end is surely near, with how things have been going the past couple of days.

Mae’s stopped pecking his cheek, she’s stopped her playful banter, and she’s stopped telling him random things about her day,

She’s already unhappier. And the decision to move the headquarters elsewhere has been made final.

She’ll end up leaving, disappointed by him. That’s what’s most probable now. And at this point Levi knows he’s so attached, that it's going to hurt twice as bad.

But still, he likes to think that he doesn’t regret his decision to be with her.

Because he doesn’t want to lose her just yet, even if he is meant to lose her somewhere along the way. He doesn’t want to go back to being 2 strangers at a bar, with a knotted past. Even though their time together is waning out.

One day, these fleeting memories are all he’ll have of her.

And so he decides that today, he’ll finally kiss her cheek too. He’s wanted to do it since forever. Ever since the day she first pecked him.

But he hardly had the courage to ask her for it when she’s wide awake. His shyness always got the best of him. But now she’s sleeping, peacefully like a baby.

And so he walks over to her, and gently scoops her into his arms. Placing her in the center of the bed. Perfectly tucking her in the blanket again.

And so he waits a little longer, admiring this moment and how peacefully she rests. And then he squats down.

And his lips hover over her cheek for a little while, before they finally land and kiss on it tenderly.

________________

The preparations for the wedding look elaborate.

A big field lays decorated, lush with green grass. Tables are lined up, covered with a silk tablecloth. And the chairs are decorated with white ruffles too. A red carpet is stretched out on the grass. And in the center, is the wedding altar. Its pillars, decorated with vines and flowers. And a delicate white net dangling from its top.

It's quite cold though, but nothing that the people of Mitras aren’t used to. The sky is relatively clear. And flurries of white clouds float around in the clear blues. Perfectly complimenting the white roses, used in the decorations.

Everything looks so heavenly, and Mae feels out of place when she sees it all.

A part of her finds it hard to believe that this could be her, getting married here instead. With such a fancy arrangement, and nobility as guests.

She wonders if she made the right choice that day. By picking Levi over everything else.

And Levi walks beside her, badgered with guilt as well.

He can see the way her eyes sparkle, dazed by all the luxury around her. This was the type of life Mae could have lived. The type of life he can never provide.

And guilt badgers in his gut once again. He feels like he has cheated her, given her too much false hope.

“Mae,” he lets out a sigh. Voice heavy and hesitant. “I need to tell you something.”

And he doesn’t know why he is bringing this up right now, at this wedding that they are supposed to enjoy. Maybe it's the remorse clawing inside him, and maybe it's the fact that he could possibly never make her this happy.

Silence stretches between them. It's almost been 3 months since they’ve started dating, and things seem to have mellowed down.

Mae doesn’t want to be needy, and Levi always wants to give her space. But hope still fills her eyes when she hears his voice. And his gaze softens, ever so subtly.

“Go ahead, Levi,” she mutters, a tad bit excited. It's one of the few times when Levi initiates something by himself. And she hopes it's something about the type of marriage they’d have.

“Erwin is thinking of moving the headquarters elsewhere.” Levi states with his usual nonchalance. It’s something he’s practiced a thousand times before the mirror now.

And the silence that unfolds is a stiff one.

Mae looks down at the ground, with a hard glare.

And Levi looks down as well, steepling his fingers. He can sense the shift in her mood. It's a mix of grieving, disappointment and frustration. And she likes to not be bothered when her mood is sour.

So he remains quiet, giving her the space to ponder. Plus he doesn’t really know what to say to make things better. He knows he’s a pain in the ass. He knows there isn't much he can provide for her, in comparison to Ivan .

And he also knows their future isn’t too bright. It’s something he’d guessed from the start.He just hopes she doesn’t regret being with him, for whatever time their destiny allowed.

And Mae feels a heaviness settle in her heart.

She’s always longing for him. Longing to talk to him. Longing to spend more time with him. Longing that somewhere, his hand will find hers, and lead her to someplace better. And he’s always withdrawing from her. Withdrawing from her touches. Withdrawing from her wishes. And withdrawing from the vulnerability that a relationship brings.

And if only he was brave enough to give her any sort of explanation, she would tell him that distance will never stop her from loving him.

The beautiful decorations around her only feel suffocating. All she needs is a few moments of peace in Levi’s arms. She’s battered and exhausted. Sometimes she doesn’t understand how she finds the strength to face the world.

And she wishes she could hold on to his hand.

But she knows Levi hates any form of public affection. Or scratch that, she knows he hates affection in itself. It's been 3 months already, and he’s never held her hand, even in the privacy of his chambers.

It’s exhausting, to be stuck in this loop of wanting and withdrawing. It feels like she’s all alone in this. But unknowingly. yet as always, Levi stands right beside her, in the same boat, with the same troubles.

And if only she ever said something she would know that her comfort matters more to him, more than his own apprehensions and nervousness.

Ivan stands in the distance, looking over a few decorations next to the altar. His jet black tuxedo stands out, in the greens of the grass, and all the white the servants wear. And Mae needs a distraction she tells herself. Her mind is drained, thinking of Levi night and day.

And Levi can simply follow, as she starts walking towards Ivan instead.

He’s tall and fair, just like he’s always been. He turns towards Mae and flashes her a smile. His eyes sparkling blue,in all the sunlight.

They start talking about the wedding preparations, and a certain vigor weaves into Mae’s tone. She tells him how wonderful the arrangement looks. And she also keeps her hand on his upper arm, when he tells her how exhausted he is.

And Levi stands behind her, shifting his weight from one foot to another. Seething with something feral.

He thought she didn’t like speaking to anyone when she’s feeling low. And yet she’s speaking to Ivan with such enthusiasm. She wasn’t speaking to him this way a few minutes before.

Jealousy curls in the pit of his stomach. But he deserves it, he tells himself. He deserves all her silences. And he deserves all the pain her actions inflict.

Time ticks by slow, and somehow the conversation shifts. All of a sudden Mae is introducing him to Ivan.

And Ivan smiles at him, extending a hand forward out of courtesy.

But Levi just glares at it. His insecurities make him bitter .

The moment stretches, the tension palpable.

“Levi!” Mae elbows him, and throws him a disapproving look. And he wallows even deeper in his insecurities, knowing he has disappointed her even more.

Mae asks Ivan where Mr. Mendes is, and Ivan points towards the huge mansion built on the other side of the ground. They talk for a few more moments, and then Mae bids her goodbye, and starts walking towards the mansion.

And Levi just simply follows, unsure whether she even wants him around.

The mansion is big, even more intimidating up close. And its door lays wide open, as handmaidens and cleaners jog in and out.

And Mae gasps, awestruck as she steps inside. The interior is made of gleaming polished wood and the paneled walls run tall. And every piece of furniture is so intricate, it could be placed in a museum.

Her eyes glance around, wide in wonder.

Ivan’s marrying the daughter of the noble he was treating. She must be a gift to keep Mr. Mendes and Ivan around. It's a business deal of sorts- you stick around and treat my family, from our hereditary disease. And I share my wealth with you and give you my daughter.

Things have surely played out really well for Ivan.

And she hopes Mr. Mendes has had the heart to forgive her, too, as she lingers outside his door. Timid, and doubtful of her decision to see him.

Levi stands behind her like a shadow, unable to meet her eye, but unshakeable as ever. Her heart eases a little, his mere sight providing her comfort. Her fingers reach out to his wrist, and he looks up hesitant.

“Levi,” His name comes out so sweet from her lips. “Can you wait here for a bit? He was really unhappy with me the last time I saw him, and just in case he’s still mad, I don’t want him to take his anger out on you.”

Levi visibly softens. The self-inflicted wounds on his pride sooth a little. “Just remember that I’m right outside the door. Do call me if anything feels off… Please” he adds. Hoping she doesn’t hesitate.

And she nods, as she knocks on the door, and steps inside.

The room is small, with a bed, a study desk and a wardrobe. And Mr.Mendes sits on a rocking chair next to the window. Staring at the wedding arrangements.

It's been a few months since she last saw him. And how ever rude he might have been to her in asking her hand for marriage. She still has a fatherly bond with him.

“Mr Mendes.” She calls out, and slowly he turns his head towards her. Age has touched him harshly, his wrinkles fold deep and his eyes seem vacant and dull.

“Mae.” He mutters, eyes squinting as he throws her a glance. “You’re here too,” he states, albeit blandly.

And she looks down to the floor, scrunching the fabric of her skirt in nervousness. He doesn’t seem too happy to see her, and once again she feels unwanted.

The moment stretches, the silence is vacant. Mr.Mendes goes back to looking at the window, and Mae focuses on the floor beneath her. A little embarrassed, and guilty. Wondering if he’s still angry at her for not accepting his offer.

The tension only eases when he breaks into a fit of violent coughs.

On instinct, Mae picks up a glass of water kept on his side table, and rushes towards him. One hand on his back and the other on the glass, as she helps him chug down the water.

And he too rests his hands on her shoulder, as his coughs make him jerk forward. It brings back a ton of memories. And she finds her eyes getting watery. She never knew she would get so distant with him one day.

His coughs begin to subside, and she continues to pat his back, just like the old days. But sadly things are way different today, and a few things have changed in a way that they can’t be mended.

“What shabby clothes are you wearing?” Mr. Mendes remarks as soon as his cough settles. A scoff paints itself on his face. And he pushes himself away from her.

“They're not shabby, it's a fresh pair,” her voice teeters on the edge of a plea, and she looks down on the ground making herself small.

“Look at the life you;re living, and coming here to my son;s wedding, dressed in nothing but rags.” he spits out. His words hurt, her heart shudders. She feels insecure.

“I’m proud of the choices I;ve made, I have no regrets.” she squeaks out

“No regrets,” his face scrunches in disgust. “Are you happy then? Living in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Jinae. Working countless jobs. Settling for a good for nothing man.” His words are like venom, fuelled with anger and frustration. And he’s so weakened by his emotions, he doesn’t realize he’s yelling.

“EXCUSE ME,” Mae counters, her temper flaring up too. “He is Humanity's strongest, a respected and valued soldier in the Survey Corps. Don’t disrespect him like that.”

Because as much as things aren’t going well with him, he’s still hers. And she wouldn’t let anyone speak shit about him.

Mr. Mendes laughs, a bitter mock. “What good is that title to you, it only puts him with more risks and responsibilities making the chances of him dying higher?”

His taunt falls like a slap on her face. She feels weak, ridden of words.

Yeah, what good is that title to her? Especially when he hardly has any time for her.

“Your silence tells how much you’re disappointed in your reckless decision.” He reels back to looking at the window,” Humanity’s Strongest huh! Damn sure that title gets the underground thug all the ladies in the world… Unbelievable how a criminal gang leader can turn into a hero.“ He curses and his words echo through the thin walls.

And all of a sudden Mae’s slapped not only with Mr Mendes's wrath, but also with the secrets of Levi’s past. She finds it hard to breathe, as if the wind has been knocked right out of her lungs.

It’s the last tick, the water has gone over the bridge.

The information lays heavy on her mind, slowly the pieces of him fall together. The way he keeps a knife hidden in his clothes. And the way he knew nothing about the world when he first met her.

A thug from the Underground? Levi never told her anything about that?

“He’s no match for my son.” Mr. Mendes mutters, more to himself. And tears do well. Everything looks blurry, her heart feels dizzy. She feels defeated.

“Why are you so quiet now?” he taunts. “Did reality finally knock some sense into you?”

And Mae feels helpless, not knowing how to counter something she’s been told nothing about.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, more to herself. For being so foolish in her love. For enduring all the shit Levi put her through once again. For settling for something so… unworthy. And most of all, for loving herself less than him… once again.

Her shoulders feel heavy and her knees feel weak as she turns away.

She doesn’t even know whether the claims made by Mr. Mendes are true, or just an accusation made to mess with her. But that just proves how little she knows about Levi, and how little he cares about her.

And with the little strength in her heart she pushes the door open.

In front of her stands Levi.

He didn’t tell her this.

He didn’t tell her anything about him.

And Levi’s eyes fall down. His facade has fallen, soiled in the dirt. All that remains now, are the parts of him that have always been hated. The parts of him that are hard to love and difficult to accept.

And he feels bare, naked.

The silence is loud and sharp. Piercing like the barbed wire wrapped around Mae’s heart. And she looks at him, with disappointment knitted in her brows

Because Levi is the calm before the storm. The smell of fresh linen sheets, and the harsh rain that cleanses everything. He is stillness and chaos. With the stars in his eyes, and the world on his shoulders. A paradox so unusual, that it's a wonder on earth.

But most of all, Levi is the person she has loved with all her heart and soul. And yet, she doesn’t recognise him anymore.

He feels like a stranger. And their entanglement feels like nothing but a burden.

Questions in her mind erupt like fire. And they would sear Levi alive

She searches his slate gray eyes. The same eyes she’s utterly fallen in love with. Hoping he gives her a single explanation. Hoping he tells her that she didn’t make the wrong decision.

That he still loves her, and she can still have the fairytale relationship that she once dreamt of.

Butas always he gives her nothing. He isn’t even able to meet her eyes. Because what awaits him there, is disappointment. His biggest fear.

Her lips tremble, her heart shudders. The tiredness of all the fights she’s never had with him boggs her down.

The prolonged silence speaks tons. She hates him for keeping this from her, and he hates the way it came out to her.

And she can only pick away the pieces of her self esteem, and walk away from him. To a place where she doesn’t feel like such a fool.

The grandeur of the mansion suffocates her. She finds beauty everywhere, in every corner of the place, but in herself. And her eyes blur as she stumbles away from him.

To say, they are only a few feet away, but miles lie between their hearts.

And Mae doesn’t understand when things started going downhill, but now things have crashed.

In an hour, the wedding bells ring. The guests are peacefully seated, and she stands at the corner, barely managing to suppress her sadness.

The bride walks in, dressed in a beautiful white dress, holding her father’s hand. Ivan stands at the other end, with a smile on his face.

And Mae watches them exchange vows wistfully,

The union of two souls. The most beautiful of moments unfold in front of her. Everything is here, flowers, grand decorations, elaborate palanquins. But her lover isn’t. Her lover has left her disappointed.

Often she dreamt of her marriage with Levi as well. With him looking as charismatic as ever in a black coat and the cravat that she stitched for him, a testament of where they once were and how much they've been through. Together.

But now she doesn’t even know of their future 2 days from now.

They’ve lost each other even whilst walking together.

The wedding ends, the bride and groom kiss. The guests clap, showering the newly weds with appreciation. And then Ivan and his now wife walk away hand in hand.

In the corner, Mae sees Mr.Mendes as well. He watches everything with an unreadable look on his face.

Slowly the guests start leaving as well, after exchanging their pleasantries. The field starts becoming vacant. But Mae remains unmoving. The heaviness in her heart is unsettling.

The sun sets, and the sky turns navy. Darkness takes over. And she feels so alone, when she looks at the stretches of land with no one but her.

Far in the distance, the lights in the mansion burn bright. And its glass windows shine golden due the warmth that illuminates from inside.

They must be really happy, Mae concludes as she walks towards the altar. Her back finds one of the four pillars, and she slumps down to the floor. Eyes struck at the podium, where the priest read the holy vows.

Everything around only makes her doubt everything she had with Levi.

The ache in her heart never lessens. And she sulks, silently fuming in the aftermath.

She tried coming close to him, but the distances between them never lessened. She tried to be the bigger person, always but things never got better.

She questions everything. His words, his actions. And the moments between them felt so genuine.

Their bond was so healthy, so strong. They had each other’s back through the toughest times. He was the closest thing she had to a family. And she thinks about how much they could have grown together if he simply tried.

But he never cared to begin with. He was only acting out of pity.

It starts to rain, an untimely rain. And tears slip past her eyes too. She feels like she’s been trying to keep them in forever.

Cold wind blows towards her, and she shivers, unused to the harsh winter of Mitras. Hours pass by awfully slow. But she doesn’t go back to the hotel. She doesn’t want to meet the person who’s caused her so much anguish.

Footsteps echo off the marble floor.

Ivan walks in visibly disturbed too. Partially drenched in the rain.

“Mae…” his voice trails off, a little surprised to see her sitting at the altar, hours after the wedding “What are you doing here?... Do you not have a room to go back to?”

The question hurts. “I’m not THAT poor. Ivan.” she snaps. “I’m just here because I don’t want to see Levi right now.”

“Oh,” Ivan sighs. Not knowing whether he should pry any further. And he too drops down on the pillar adjacent to hers. Tired.

“You love him a little too much don’t you?”

And Mae sighs, another tear slipping past her eyes at his words. “Yeah, that seems to be my biggest problem.“ She hugs herself closer, attempting to warm herself in the cold. “I love him so much, it hurts.”

The downpour drowns out the silences. But it does very little to drown the sorrow in the air.

And Mae looks up at Ivan curious. Tiredness weighs heavy on his eyes. It’s the night of his wedding. And yet he’s here sitting alone.

“Did you consummate the marriage?” The question leaves her mouth, thoughtlessly. It’s way too blunt, but none of them have the energy for formalities.

“Yeah… it was… fine,” he speaks slowly, hesitating. “I can already tell, this marriage isn’t going to be good.” And then he sighs, exhausted, as he cards his fingers through his hair.

Silence settles, the wind blows. And the both of them suffer in the cold, not wanting to return to the warmth of a home.

A sad smile forms on Mae’s face. She’s felt so awfully lonely the past few days. Sometimes, even when Levi is right next to her. “Well, if it makes you feel better, my relationship isn’t going great either.”

And Ivan’s eyes widen. “Why do you say that?” he asks, genuinely concerned. Because he’s seen Levi and Mae, he thought they’d be the type of couple that would never break apart.

“Where do I even start,” she bitterly chuckles. “Look at him…He doesn’t even come to check up on me, Ivan. It’s so cold, and I’ve been missing for hours, shivering in the rain. I'm the one who has a reason to be upset. And yet I’m the one who’s still wondering why he isn’t coming to me? He hardly has any time for me…It’s always like this with him, so painfully one sided. I doubt he’d shed even a single tear, if I end up dying one day...”

And Ivan doesn;t know what to say. It’s not like he’s some relationship expert anyway.

Hell, this marriage is his first romantic relationship ever.

And so he sits quiet, dwelling on his own inexperience. And the silence only forces Mae to relive all the things that never happened in her and Levi’s relationship.

“I think I should end it.” The thought has been bogging her for weeks now. And now she’s hit her limit. “He doesn’t love me Ivan,” her voice breaks, and she sniffs to hold her tears back. “He doesn’t lov-”

“Oh shut up!” Ivan huffs, cutting her off. Because even though he is unsure of relationships and everything happening in his life as well, he knows that Levi loves Mae. It’s the only thing he’s sure of, at this point in his life.

“Are you fucking blind? Do you even see the way he looks at you?...” He grumbles almost frustrated with Mae’s blabbering. “I’ve always been so scared of him, but when he looks at you, his lips quirk up, just a little bit. And his eyes soften, as if the most precious thing in the world is now in front of him…. When he looks at you, he looks human… So what shit are you going on about?... And you haven’t even felt the intensity of his stare, anytime I walk next to you. I face it, I face the looks he throws at me. Sometimes it's a surprise that I’m not dead already.”

“Then why doesn’t he do anything about it?’ Mae’s head begins to hurt, and frustration lays heavy in every word she spouts out. “It's been three months, Ivan. Goddamn three months and we haven’t even kissed, or held hands, or been on a date… Yesterday I asked him to sleep on the bed next to me and he slept on the chair instead.”

“But Mae?” Ivan rebuttals almost innocently. “If I'd be in a relationship with a girl I really liked, I think I’d be like that too… Extremely hesitant and shy.” he answers truthfully. “And if he doesn’t make time for you, then why is he here to attend my wedding?”

All the loopholes in her thinking slowly start to resurface. And she frowns, her nose flaring. “He does make time for… it’s just that nothing even remotely romantic ever happens in that time?”

“So why don’t you tell him how you feel? What use is complaining about all this to me, when only Levi can give you what you need?”

A quiet gasp escapes Mae’s lips. And Ivan’s questions only force her to ponder over her own insecurities.

She’s always felt like the second choice. With Mr. Mendes, sometimes also with Levi.

And so she always tries to be on her best behavior, even when the other person is being intolerable.

“I don’t know, don’t wanna be a burden.” Her voice frays, and she’s grateful that it's the middle of the night and Ivan can’t see the pure destruction on her face, when she battles her own demons. “I feel like if I ever complain, then people will get annoyed by me and wouldn’t want to stick around anymore.”

“That’s not how relationships work, Mae…” Ivan mutters solemnly. “ This rushed marriage… I never wanted it. But how could I not listen to my dying father’s wish? The father who has done so much for me?...Sometimes he still dreams of you and the perfect family he envisioned with you.”

“Did I really upset him by saying no?”

“That's okay, you can’t make everyone happy... Old age has made him childish. But that doesn’t mean I abandon him. Nor does it diminish the value of all the good times I’ve spent with him.”

Ivan speaks the truth, it lays heavy on Mae;s mind. And slowly her flaws come to light as well.

“How did Mr.Mendes know about Levi’s past?” She changes the topic.

“He told me to ask around back when I worked in the Corps… Obviously I noticed the guy you would stare at with such dreamy eyes, I would be blind to not notice… And when I told father about it, he called you for lunch too often. Then your health got worse and he told me to look into it… Almost everyone in the Survey Corps knew that he was an underground thug, how did you not know?”

“Levi is a private person. I didn’t want to pry. I thought he’d tell me himself, when he felt comfortable.”

Mae’s eyes turn moist again, there’s an ever growing tightness in her throat that makes it harder for her to speak. “I can’t believe I dreamt so much of this... I thought we’d be perfect for each other, but look at me now... And look at you Ivan. you and your bride looked perfect as you walked hand in hand…. You got exactly what I dreamt of, whilst I sit here, crying, with the remnants of my broken love life.”

The rain becomes harsher, almost turning to a storm. And a bittersweet smile forms on Ivan’s face, as he ponders over Mae’s words.

“Yeah… Me and my wife are complete in every sense. She’s pretty and I have a well-earning job and a reputable career. Our future is secure here in Mitras, and we have both time and money, we’ll never run short of… And yet, despite all the time we have, we don’t wish to spend it with each other. We speak, but not with our heart. We are bound, but not by love.”

And when Mae looks up at Ivan, she sees the same pain reflect in his eyes, that she saw when he lost his mother. The pain of loss and unhappiness. “We are complete in every sense. We have everything that one needs to be happy. But our love…. Our love is incomplete…”

And a final tear slips past her eyes as Ivan continues. “ You and Levi might not have anything compared to us, but your love is complete.”

This is one of my favourite chapters in this arc, because of all the drama that goes on.

In the previous chapters I felt like it was just Levi and Mae, and everything was revolving around them, so I thought it was becoming kind of monotonous and boring. Which is why I've tried to add more characters this time.

Also I hope no one is surprised by the fact that Mae didn't know about Levi's past yet. (I think that was one of the main reasons for their misunderstandings, because she didn't know of his background yet)

(If anyone is wondering, then Mae will start talking things out with Levi after this, as she is slowly realizing her faults as well.)

So yeah! I'm excited to hear your thoughts, opinions, feedbacks. As always I'm open to criticism as well. (don't be shy lol)

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I'll see you soon with chapter 20!

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

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xhusu · 2 years

Text

; to fight an invisible foe

She thought of all those happy times they spent together since his pardon, his laugh, his smile and his shining eyes. All of this couldn’t be a lie, could it? It meant that he was wrong, that his therapist was wrong. Jellal was not feeling so low. He had his moments for sure, but it wasn’t all there was.

In which Jellal announces to Erza that he has depression, and she struggles to process the weight of it all.

You can also read it on AO3! | Words: 3,223

Erza was taken aback. She had just woken up and here she was met with such a worrying request. But if Jellal couldn’t wait for her to drink a glass of water or stretch, it meant that it was urgent.

Nonetheless, she sat with a frown, quite anxious. ‘We need to talk,’ he had told her. This was such an alarming sentence.

He sat on the side of the bed, his eyes fixated on his hands as his elbows rested on his thighs. More than the request, the position itself was troubling. The same as at that time. But they were more on equal ground, though, as she was sitting cross-legged on the bed, at the same level as him in a way.

“About what?” she finally asked. She was looking at him, trying to force eye contact. He inhaled, biting his lower lip. He stayed unmoving for a minute or so before looking at her, letting out a breath – to motivate himself.

“First, I’m… sorry, for not telling you sooner.”

“Telling me what, Jellal?”

“Something my therapist… told me.”

“When?”

“During our last session, two days ago.”

That was a little reassuring. It wasn’t something he kept from her for weeks. But still, if it was important, why wait for two days?

“What did she say?”

He looked away, his right leg starting to move with stress. “I… Listen, I don’t know what she meant by it.”

“Jellal, you’re worrying me, just tell me what she said.”

“She…” He held a breath. “She said I might—Well no, she said I have depression…” with that, he added in a whisper, “Whatever that means.”

Erza froze. Her mind went blank as if she stopped thinking. She processed his words with difficulty before blinking. “What?” she started, “What do you mean depression?”

“Like… Like the disorder.”

“The disorder,” she repeated. Erza shook her head. It made no sense. “I don’t get it.”

“I don’t get it either, Erza, I’m sorry,” somehow, he was starting to talk faster, “I don’t know why she said that.”

“No, no, don’t say sorry… It’s just… Isn’t that the suicidal people’s disease?”

“I… I guess… I will tell her next week that we don’t get it—”

“Why would she say that you have it?” she ignored him, “Did you tell her things… you didn’t tell me?”

Silence.

She felt a lump forming in her throat. Her eyes were starting to water up. “Jellal,” she called, “Don’t tell me…”

He turned his head away from her. She inhaled, “You can’t be serious…”

“Listen, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he explained in a trembling voice, “There are no reasons for me to have those thoughts, that’s why…”

“You didn’t tell me… Why didn’t you tell me?”

He breathed.

“Look at me!”

He did, his eyes humid and his lips pursued. Erza watched him, her mouth open, trying to find the words, trying to find an answer to all of this. She shook her head again. “Why now?...”

He wasn’t able to maintain eye contact, looking away as she started tearing up. “I don’t know Erza.”

“We are… I don’t get it… Is this because of me?”

“It’s not that…”

“Then what? You didn’t tell me!”

“This has nothing to do with it.”

“Then why—" She gasped, fearing to understand. “Is this because of last time?”

He stared at his hands, biting his lower lip yet again. His breathing pace accelerated.

“I apologized for that, Jellal… I told you after your pardon that you didn’t have to hide anything from me anymore… I don’t get it…”

“I know… I’m sorry, it’s just…”

“Just what?”

He sniffed and her eyes widened. And so, in a murmur, he explained “I just didn’t want to disappoint you…”

“What are you—” He stood, turning his back to her.

“I’m sorry. Forget it. Sorry. I’ll make breakfast.”

And he left the room.

Erza stared at the door of their bedroom, where he just disappeared, appalled and still in shock. The words kept echoing in her mind; the loud and clear innuendos led to a truth she never thought she’d have to face again.

Trembling, she stood abruptly. Her vision was blurry as tears fell but she knew her apartment well enough to join him quickly. He had taken out a pan, ready to make breakfast – as he had said – but she violently took his forearm and, surprised, he dropped it on the counter with a loud sound. They both winced but quickly moved on.

“We’re not finished,” she announced.

“Erza—”

“What do you mean by ‘disappoint me’?”

Her voice was breaking, somehow the tears didn’t seem able to stop coming and she breathed heavily.

“What do you mean by that, Jellal?”

He tried to take the pan once more and she angrily took it away from him, spatting “Stop that and answer me! You were the one who wanted to talk so stand by it!”

He trembled, inhaling with a sniff. She watched his expression; he was about to cry but was holding it, that was obvious. His lips tried not to tremble but they were.

“Answer me,” she begged, “Please…”

“It’s just… Erza, what is wrong with me?” he shuffled, “There is no reason for me to think that anymore… We got everything and yet…”

“That is what I don’t get either, but that’s not the subject, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I told you I’m sorry, I know it’s…”

“Why would it disappoint me, Jellal? You can’t help it, right? So—”

“Because it does, Erza, just look at you,” a tear rolled, that he promptly wiped, and she pursued her lips, “All you ever wanted was for us to have what we have now and,” another tear, another wipe, “And I’m ruining everything again.”

Her grip on his forearm tightened as she shook her head, “You’re not!”

“I am, and it seems that…” he brought his free hand to his head, trying not to sob, “That I’ll never be the man you want me to be…”

“That’s not true.”

“It is.”

“It’s not.

“Don’t lie to yourself Erza. You’re disappointed.”

Silence.

He wiped his tears yet again, breathing as he stared at the counter. Jellal sniffed then sighed, “And for this, I am sorry.”

She lowered her head, thinking about everything. Why didn’t she notice it? If he felt this bad… How could she not get a clue? Why was this news so painful and surprising when he was unable to lie to her?

Why couldn’t he move on the way she did? That’s what she didn’t understand the most. She too had a period of time where she thought of a way to disappear, where she felt like she was deserving of punishment, but it passed, and she now saw how naïve she had been to think this way.

Their story wasn’t so different, was it? So why couldn’t he heal the way she did? Why did it feel like he cried more, was more vulnerable than ever recently when they finally were at peace and free?

“I don’t get it,” she whispered mostly for herself, but he still tensed. “Maybe I would if you told me everything…”

He didn’t answer. Just like in the bedroom, he even turned his head away.

It hurt. Maybe more than it should.

“I cannot read your mind, Jellal, I’m not Erik. I wish I could support you better but… I don’t even know where to start if you keep secrets from me.”

She believed that seeing a therapist would help him. After witnessing his bad habits and condition, she was the one who brought the idea up. She remembered reading books on the matter, that sometimes help was needed and she thought that was what would help him. But then, now…

Depression. The suicidal people’s disease, as she heard Macao jokes once.

Her hand let go of his forearm as she kept ruminating on those terrifying thoughts. He tried to reach for the pan, explaining a small “I’ll make breakfast.”

But she’s the one who took the tool rather violently, declaring with no forbearance, “No need, I will.”

He stayed quiet and she realised the harshness of her attitude.

“You can help, of course,” she quickly added, looking at him with worry.

His eyes looked at the pan, his expression now blank. “No… I will… I’ll go make the bed.”

With that, he left. Again. Her gaze didn’t follow him this time. She kept staring at where he was, just an instant ago, and she broke into tears.

Cooking as you cry was difficult, she gathered. She took longer than she was used to, she even broke the eggs and ended up making an omelette. Erza kept sobbing, trying to stay silent because she just knew that if he heard her cry this much, he’d feel more guilty than he already was. Nonetheless, she also supposed that he probably already knew anyway.

And that he perhaps was in a similar state as hers.

The thought made her cry even more.

She hated it. This news, her attitude toward him, the fact that he didn’t tell her, crying alone. It had been a long time since she last felt so lonely and powerless. They were a couple now, when one was crying, the other would be here to comfort them.

Why was it so different for once? They shouldn’t argue when facing hurdles, they should unify and confront them together.

They should…

Erza blinked, realising how wrong all of this was.

How could she react to such a thing this way?

How could she make it about herself when he was the one diagnosed with such a disorder?

She brought her hand to her mouth, ashamed of herself.

Of course, she was frustrated but… he had every reason to keep it for himself. Her reaction right now just proved how right he was. It was about him, why did she make it about her?

She bit her lip.

How ironic. In the end, she herself could wonder ‘what is wrong with me’.

She wiped her eyes and cheeks, letting out a breath. It was pathetic. She continued making breakfast, still spacing out from time to time. Having finished, she dressed the table and put their plates on it. Her hands on the surface as a support, she exhaled and closed her eyes for an instant.

They needed to talk about it. Not about him not telling her. About it and what would ensue for their future.

She opened her eyes and saw him.

It made her smile faintly. Sometimes, they didn’t need to talk. He knew she was done and came right away.

To be honest, he looked as miserable as her. Her assumption from earlier was confirmed and, again, it hurt. But what was done and said couldn’t be taken back and they now had to deal with it.

“Breakfast’s ready,” she tried. He nodded and waited for her to sit down before imitating her. They started to eat in silence, facing each other yet not looking. Or more precisely, her trying to create eye contact and him focusing on his plate.

After hesitating, she started, “Jellal…”

“I am really sorry for not telling you,” he interrupted her, “I should have. I know communication is very important and I should have focused on that.”

“Oh… Well… I can understand.”

“It’s still wrong.”

“Actually, I want to apologize too. I shouldn’t have reacted this way earlier. This was very stupid and selfish of me.”

“You have every reason to be disappointed.”

“I’m not disappointed. I was frustrated. But it wasn’t about me. I made all of it about me but I missed the point entirely.”

He picked at his food with the fork, frowning a little.

“Do you really think you are ruining everything?”

“Yes.”

“But you can’t help it, Jellal. If she told you that you got it, then it must be true.”

“Excuses.”

“What do you mean?”

“Erza… I cannot always put the blame on something else when it’s my fault, don’t you think?”

She tilted her head, not fully sure that she got the insinuation. “Are you talking about Ultear?”

“I am.”

“From what you told me, it wasn’t you.”

“I don’t care about this, Erza. I’m… I’m tired.”

Erza sadly frowned. “Jellal…”

“I hate it… Putting the blame on something else…”

“But even if you do, it’s still the truth, Jellal. You can hate it as much as you want, nothing will change that.”

He pursued his lips.

“Listen, in a way… If it’s depression that makes you the way you are, shouldn’t it be reassuring?”

He scoffed a dry laugh, but it sounded more pained that anything, “Reassuring, really?”

“Yes. Because it means that there are solutions. It’s a problem we can take care of.”

“I would be able to take care of it more easily if I had control over it.”

“No, because then you would believe that it’s your fault and that nothing would ever change.”

“I already think that.”

“Well, you are wrong.”

He looked at her with timid, uncertain eyes. He seemed completely lost and out of answers.

“Then what now?” he asked in a small voice.

“I don’t know. I… I don’t know much about depression.”

He opened his mouth and closed it right away, drifting his gaze.

“What is it?”

“No, I shouldn’t…”

“Tell me?”

“I know the answer, so… it’s a little dumb. I was going ask if…” a sigh, “If you still wanted… well, me.”

“Why wouldn’t I want you anymore?”

“Because… I don’t know. If I’m not happy myself, how can I make you happy?”

“But you make me happy. Now, we have a name for it, but it’s not like you weren’t like this before. And you still made me happy. I mean, Jellal, if I was the one diagnosed with depression, you’d stay right?”

“Of course!” he answered, almost offended. “I’d want to be with you, so we can find a solution together. And even if there is none… It would be all right for me.”

“So, what makes you think I wouldn’t feel the same towards you?”

“Because…” he thought for an instant, “You want us to be happy the most.”

“See, that’s where the problem is.”

“Uh?”

“Repeat what you just said.”

“You want us to be happy the most?”

“And what do you want?”

“For you to be happy?”

She smiled, “Don’t you think you’re forgetting someone?”

Jellal blinked for an instant. She could see, on his expression, the moment his brain got it. ‘Oh,’ he probably thought. Erza stood, putting down her cluttery and walked around the table. His gaze followed her, incomprehension all written over his face.

In front of him, she touched his shoulder and he moved back his chair, still wondering what she was trying to do. Then, she sat on his lap and embraced him tenderly. Sooner than she expected, she felt his arms around her.

“If I ever leave you for such a thing,” she whispered in his ear, “Then worry because someone took over my body. I’ll never leave you, Jellal. Got it?”

He nodded, putting his head in the crook of her neck. He breathed and she brushed his hair lovingly.

“We’ll face this together.”

She kissed the top of his head and heard him say, “I’m sorry I made you cry.”

“I should be the one apologizing for what happened earlier. Don’t do it on my behalf.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t. It’s because of this type of attitude that you didn’t tell me. In a way, this is just the consequences of my actions.”

His eyes met hers, “Really, it’s fine.”

“And I tell you it’s not.” She kissed the tip of his nose. “Actually, there is something I want to ask.”

“What is it?”

“Do you think I could come with you, at some point?”

“To therapy? Why?”

“Because of how I reacted. I don’t think it’s normal. And it’s clearly not helping. Also, because… it’s new for both of us. If we want to make it work, we’ll have to do it together.”

“You may be right. I’ll ask her next time, but it should be fine.”

He gave her a small smile she kissed, leading to a chuckle from him. She then announced, “And there is something else too, but it’s not a question this time.”

He caressed her cheek and she hummed. Erza closed her eyes for an instant before looking at him once more. She would never get tired of looking at him, not when his gaze was this soft.

“You will never ever disappoint me because of the way you are. There is no Jellal I want specifically, I want you and that’s it. Of course, I wish you were happier, not for me, but for you. Because you’re hurting. But no matter what, the man I want is you. This will never change.”

She knew him too well, so she could see how he had a hard time believing her. Again, it was a mere consequence of hurtful words she once said through frantic panic. This was also something she needed to work on.

“Forget about that, what I said back then… I was wrong.”

“Were you really?”

“Yes. I was. I know that much now. Because you prove me so every day.”

He exhaled in relief and she felt his muscles relax. “Alright.”

Their lips met in a soft, loving, kiss. He continued to caress her cheek as she stroked his hair. Their embrace was warm, and the closeness felt reassuring.

Really, how could he think that she would want to leave him? Or that he could disappoint her. It was mere nonsense, after everything they went through and everything they faced.

This new foe of theirs was not the worst enemy they encountered. They just had to adapt and learn how to deal with it, just like they always did and always would. She knew it would be hard, but she was not going to give up on him.

She broke their kiss after a moment and smiled at him. He returned the favour with her favourite feature of his. The same thing that made her fall for him. The same thing that this unfamiliar, invisible enemy was trying to take away from her.

“I love you, Erza.”

Never weary of hearing those three words, her smile grew. They always filled her with a pleasant and delicate sentiment.

“I love you too, Jellal.”

In the end, their breakfast turned cold; not that they really cared. She had woken up an hour ago but already felt exhausted. They kissed and hugged the pain away; they showed their affection through tender gestures and loving whispers.

She did not feel lonely anymore. And she hoped he did not either. Because no matter what, as long as she was alive, and even if he didn’t realise it, he would never truly be alone.

AN: Thank you so much for reading! I have mixed feelings about this one but since I wrote it, I posted it anyway! I hope you enjoyed it!

#fairy tail #jerza #jellal fernandes #erza scarlet #the beloved as always

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akoyermin · 2 years

Text

Hi guys. I don’t think I’ve shared this with any of you. I’m pretty sure I haven’t.

Hola, chicos. No creo que haya compartido esto con ninguno de vosotros. Estoy bastante seguro de que no lo he hecho.

2022 has been a tough year. I think we can all attest to that. The year of the Tiger was a year of action, change and upheaval; fast moving waters and the Tiger did not waste time or sit idle. He took a swipe at everyone.

2022 ha sido un año difícil. Creo que todos podemos dar fe de eso. El año del Tigre fue un año de acción, cambio y agitación; las aguas en rápido movimiento y el Tigre no perdió el tiempo ni se sentó inactivo. Le dio un golpe a todo el mundo.

I feel like every aspect of my life had been swiped at, scratched or bitten. The pandemic took its toll on what was already a challenging year to begin with. People and relationships were strained, lost or broken.

Siento como si cada aspecto de mi vida hubiera sido arrastrado, rayado o mordido. La pandemia pasó factura en lo que ya era un año difícil para empezar. Las personas y las relaciones estaban tensas, perdidas o rotas.

Personal life was unsteady. People lost, relationships ended.

La vida personal era inestable. La gente se perdió, las relaciones terminaron.

Work was in turmoil. I’m only now seeing some stability to my department. Needless to say it’s been a struggle. A struggle. Im still job hunting. I don’t think I want to stay.

El trabajo estaba en crisis. Solo ahora estoy viendo algo de estabilidad en mi departamento. No hace falta decir que ha sido una lucha. Una lucha. Todavía estoy buscando trabajo. No creo que quiera quedarme.

The bright side of 2022 and the down side of 2022. In September I met someone on Tindr. It was a surprise. A beautiful young man from Colombia, handsome and kind. We started chatting and had been chatting every day since. Video calls, voice calls. A day hadn’t gone by where we weren’t in touch. Things moved fast. We made plans to meet in March for my birthday and then further plans to meet in July for his. Things were getting serious. Until they didn’t. Suddenly in January one week he grew distant and I confronted him. He said he’s met someone else. This was all on Friday the 13th no less. 😞 He said “it was complicated but it just happened and that he didn’t love me the way I love him”.

El lado positivo de 2022 y el lado negativo de 2022. En septiembre conocí a alguien en Tindr. Fue una sorpresa. Un joven hermoso de Colombia, guapo y amable. Empezamos a charlar y habíamos estado charlando todos los días desde entonces. Videollamadas, llamadas de voz. No había pasado un día en el que no estuviéramos en contacto. Las cosas se movieron rápido. Hicimos planes para reunirnos en marzo para mi cumpleaños y luego otros planes para reunirnos en julio para el suyo. Las cosas se estaban poniendo serias. Hasta que no lo hicieron. De repente, en enero, una semana se aleje y me enfrenté a él. Dijo que había conocido a otra persona. Todo esto fue el viernes 13 ni menos. 😞 Dijo "fue complicado, pero simplemente sucedió y que no me amaba de la manera en que yo lo amo a él".

I was devastated. I don’t know why but as short as it was, I had truly come to care for and love him and this hurt so much more than I’ve ever felt in a relationship. The last three weeks I’ve been depressed and anxious. We still text. I want to find a way forward but I can’t compete with someone who is there with him. No matter how many texts I send, no matter how many emails, voice calls or video calls. None of that matters. I think we’re just going through the motions at this point but I’m not finding it easy to let go.

Estaba devastado. No sé por qué, pero por muy corto que fuera, realmente había llegado a cuidarlo y amarlo y esto me dolió mucho más de lo que he sentido en una relación. Las últimas tres semanas he estado deprimido y ansioso. Seguimos enviando mensajes de texto. Quiero encontrar una forma de avanzar, pero no puedo competir con alguien que esté allí con él. No importa cuántos mensajes de texto envíe, no importa cuántos correos electrónicos, llamadas de voz o videollamadas. Nada de eso importa. Creo que solo estamos pasando por los movimientos en este momento, pero no me resulta fácil dejarlo ir.

I have had my friend and my family rally to my side. Fuck him! Forget about him! Let go! I can’t. I won’t do it. I don’t know how. I love him and he doesn’t love me. 😭

Mi amigo y mi familia se han unidado a mi lado. ¡Que le jodan! ¡Olvídate de él! ¡Déjeme! No puedo. No lo haré. No sé cómo. Lo amo y él no me ama. 😭

But I have to move on somehow.

Pero tengo que seguir adelante de alguna manera.

Right now the only thing helping is just taking it literally hour by hour, then day by day. And it’s been a looong three weeks. I wish I could see an end in sight but I don’t right now. I don’t have him to look forward to. I don’t have anyone else. It was him.

En este momento, lo único que ayuda es tomarlo literalmente hora a hora, y luego día a día. Y han pasado tres semanas. Más o menos. Ojalá pudiera ver un final a la vista, pero ahora mismo no. No lo tengo con ganas. No tengo a nadie más. Fue él.

One glimmer of hope if anyone ascribes to being spiritual is it’s now the year of the Rabbit. For most of us this our year. It’s the yin to the Tiger and a year of calmer waters, thoughtfulness and healing. I need the healing. Hopefully the Rabbit is gentle but I know I have to work towards it. Right now I still feel like I’m crawling. I haven’t quite picked myself up. The deep knot of pain in my chest is starting to let up, but only a little. it comes and goes. The grief is still there. I miss him. I miss what could have been. Ironic that he was born in the year of the Tiger and that I was born in the year of the Rabbit. Maybe we were only meant to cross at this junction. Fate is so cruel sometimes.

Un destello de esperanza si alguien atribuye ser espiritual es que ahora es el año del Conejo. Para la mayoría de nosotros, este es nuestro año. Es el yin del Tigre y un año de aguas más tranquilas, consideración y curación. Necesito la curación. Espero que el conejo sea amable, pero sé que tengo que trabajar para conseguirlo. Ahora mismo todavía siento que estoy gateando. No me he levantado del todo. El profundo nudo de dolor en mi pecho está empezando a sonar, pero solo un poco. Va y viene. El dolor sigue ahí. Lo echo de menos. Echo de menos lo que podría haber sido. Irónico que él nació en el año del Tigre y que yo nací en el año del Conejo. Tal vez solo estábamos destinados a cruzar en este cruce. El destino es tan cruel a veces.

The antidepressant meds seem to be helping. I’ve also sought out counseling.

Los antidepresivos parecen estar ayudando. También he buscado asesoramiento.

To my friends and family as of late. I apologize if I couldn’t be there for you guys in turn. We’ve had our struggles and our losses this year. Some more than most. I’m dealing with this as best as I can. I have to have hope somehow that my broken heart can heal. Even if there is no hope for him and me. 😞

A mis amigos y familiares últimamente. Me disculpo si no pude estar allí para ustedes a su vez. Hemos tenido nuestras luchas y nuestras pérdidas este año. Algunos más que la mayoría. Estoy lidiando con esto lo mejor que puedo. Tengo que tener la esperanza de que mi corazón roto pueda sanar. Incluso si no hay esperanza para él y para mí. 😞

#i love him #MyLeiner #ColombianBoy #mi corazón #te extraño #year of the tiger #year of the rabbit #No Hay Nadie Más

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papirouge · 1 year

Note

You know, I saw a post on le Reddit that said something like "when you have depression but you're not a girl so nobody cares" in a "funny memes" subreddit with like 10.000 likes or so. I disagree with the statement, so I went to the comments, and to my surprise, most comments were calling OP out. Like it was full of women commenting things like "Uh, they don't care if you're a woman either", "Today I learnt I'm a man", "They only care if they want to fuck you and that might be worse actually", "yeah, because women care for each other and men dismiss other men issues", and so on.

Reddit leans male, so I was surprised at seeing so many women stand for themselves, and getting upvoted to the top. Some men even commented and said that the reason women get help its because other women care, while men usually dismiss each other feelings. Some even said the only people that cared were women. Like even men were calling him out...

That got me thinking.... I used to really support the whole "men mental health matter too!!", and I still do like I support womens, but many men are pretty dismisive of women mental health. You know, how some men say they want a crazy gf because they think she'll be hypersexual and so they can manipulate her... most likely, they'd get a depressed or anxious woman, the two most common mental health problems in women, and I bet they wouldnt like the depressed woman lack of sexual apetite and the anxious woman fear.

It makes me go back to the time I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital. The only people that visited were my female relatives and friends. My dad, nephew and uncle never went. And I just rationalized as them being less likely to show their emotions... in fact, my sister and mom basically agreed and said something like "men just don't how to deal with these things because we women are more in tune with our feelings." When I came back, neither my uncle nor my nephew hugged me or told me they were glad I was back... nothing. And again, they're pretty cold, it's how they are, but I wonder if a man would give women the benefit of the doubt if they didn't show up at such a difficult moment.

You know, maybe we would take male mental health a bit more seriously if the only times they mentioned it they didn't bring women in some sort of mental struggle Olympics. It gives off the impression they're bringing it up more to suck up to women than out of genuine concern for male mental healthcare.

I'm so sorry for your awful uncle & nephews. We don't chose our family but we can definitely chose who we let a place into our life and I think this experience was a wake up call for you. Your aunt acting like basic empathy (such as visiting a relative) was just a feminine 'emotional energy thing' is tragic though lol

Men constantly show their emotions by harassing, raping and killing women. I'll never forget why some men have less problem lashing out their toxic emotions (screaming, lusting) while being so shy to display the good ones (empathy, caring, etc.). It's less about masculinity and more about sociopathy imo.

#answered

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the--book--of--love · 1 year

Text

I can never find lists of journal prompts I like or that resonate with me, so I made this list using my Spotify as inspiration. If this gets any traction, I'll do the same thing next month, but below the cut is a list for June.

Cheer Up Baby- Inhaler

What’s the mood for this month? How are you going to create positive growth?

2. It Won’t Always Be Like This- Inhaler

What are you trying to move past? How are you doing that and how is it going?

3. Ribs- Lorde

How do you feel about growing up/getting older?

4. Cheeseburger in Paradise- Jimmy Buffett

How do you approach food and eating? What shaped your approach?

5. Ease Up Kid- Hippo Campus

What makes you anxious? How do you cope with that? Where do you find comfort?

6. Four Out Of Five- Arctic Monkeys

What are you learning about right now? What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned so far?

7. Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy)- The 1975

How do you know when it’s time to move on from something?

8. UGH!- The 1975

What’s something you could never give up, good or bad?

9. Who’s Your Money On (Plastic House)- Inhaler

When things get tough, who do you turn to? Why?

10. Take It Easy- Eagles

Do you have plans to take a break soon? What are they? If not, make some!

11. Sincerity is Scary- The 1975

Do you have trouble being sincere or open with people? Why?

12. Graceland Too- Phoebe Bridgers

Have you ever just started over? How did it go? If you haven’t, have you thought about it? What would you do? Why?

13. Sculptures of Anything Goes- Arctic Monkeys

What’s your creative hobby? Why do you like and what are you working on? If you don’t have one, what would you like to start doing? What’s stopping you? Make a plan to do something creative.

14. This Charming Man- The Smiths

Do you have a partner? How do you or would you show them you love them? Make a plan for a date night.

15. If I Believe You- The 1975

Do you worship/what do you have deep faith in? Why?

16. Ketchum, ID- Boygenius

How important is place to you? Is there somewhere that will always be home?

17. Chason Pour Les Petits Enfants- Jimmy Buffett

What is a cherished childhood memory? Why? How do you connect to your inner child?

18. Pressure- The 1975

What kind of pressure do you put yourself under? How might you be kinder to yourself?

19. Happiness- The 1975

What makes you happy?

20. These Are the Days- Inhaler

What’s getting you out of bed in the morning? What’s going well right now?

21. Give Me a Try- The Wombats

What have you always wanted to try but haven’t? What’s stopping you?

22. A Change of Heart- The 1975

How forgiving are you? What would it take for you to have a change of heart about someone or something?

23. Guys- The 1975

How do you show your friends you love them? Make a plan to do something fun with your friends.

24. Why Are Sunday so Depressing?- The Strokes

How do you/do you reset for the week? What does that look like? Make or update a weekly/monthly reset plan.

25. No. 1 Party Anthem- Arctic Monkeys

How do you connect with other people?

26. Frail State of Mind- The 1975

How do you take care of yourself when you’re having bad mental health days? Make or update a plan you can fall back on for bad days.

27. Death of an Unpopular Poet- Jimmy Buffett

Do you have a to-read list and what’s on it? What are your favorite pieces of literature, both poetry and prose? Why?

28. Listen to Your Friends- Declan McKenna

Do you take advice or criticism well? How might you receive it better?

29. The Weight- The Band

What have you been carrying with you that you need to let go of? How might you let go or forgive yourself?

30. Walk of Life- Dire Straits

What’s going on next month? Set your goals/intentions/plans for July.

#journal prompts #wellness #that girl

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adrihelle · 2 years

Text

J'ai publié 1 104 fois en 2022

C'est 1 102 billets de plus qu'en 2021 !

6 billets créés (1%)

1 098 billets reblogués (99%)

Les blogs que j'ai le plus reblogués :

@mccnknightstcrdst

@soundsfaebutokay

@sensitivehandsomeactionman

@seidenbros

@kell-be-belle

J'ai étiqueté 954 billets en 2022

Seulement 14% de mes billets ne comportaient pas de tag

#bridgerton - 132 billets

#mcu - 132 billets

#moon knight - 121 billets

#the witcher netflix - 99 billets

#the amazing devil - 98 billets

#bridgerton season 2 - 94 billets

#joey batey - 89 billets

#the witcher - 88 billets

#jaskier - 87 billets

#steven grant - 80 billets

Longest Tag: 54 characters

#please i want the season 3 to be about him and sophie!

Mes billets vedette en 2022 :

n°5

Thank you for tagging me @seidenbros! 💜

I never really participate to that kind of tag before because of my shyness (even on the Internet). But why not trying something new for a change?

Fav color: violet/black

Currently reading: I’m reading a bunch of things for my master about movies, tv series and monster’s concepts. But when I don’t do my master, I’m reading the fifth volume of The Witcher.

I live in Canada and I’m speaking French (it’s my first language), so I read some Quebec writers; currently I’m reading Roux clair naturel of Fanie Demeule. It’s about a girl that construct her entire identity on a lie; she’s not naturally a ginger. The character is obsessed to keep that secret down but she’s feeling guilty about it and she develop an identity crisis. It is beautifully written.

Last song: Say it - girl in red

Last series: High School Musical The Musical The Series - Disney+

Last movie: Thor: Love and Thunder

Currently working on: I’m currently working on my master (and trying to survive it!)

*Sorry for my poor writing. English is not my first language and it's been a while since i wrote in it!*

Tagging (no pressure!): @kell-be-belle @soundsfaebutokay @bridgertonland

3 notes - publié le 12 septembre 2022

n°4

Hello again, hehe. For The Horror and the Wild album ask game, 12 and 15?

For the 12: What song do you always sing along with?

I'm not going to be original, but it's definitly the song Fair. Whatever I'm doing (most likely writing my master that doesnt want to be finished) I wil stop myself and just sing peacefully the lyrics. They help me to calm myself and to believe that I will share one day a love like this with someone. It encapsulate the certainty of a tomorrow (something an anxious girl like me crave everyday).

For the 15: If you could recommend only one THATW song to your followers, what would it be?

I would certainly recommend That Unwanted Animal for the extraordinary performance of Madeleine Hyland. She have an incredible strenght and sensitivity in that song (that she have in all the songs of that album and others) but it's really remarquable in that one. Her voice is ethereal and splendid in it. And the song is really good and, in my point of vue, talks of another way of the anxiety and the depression that Joey and Madeleine talk in Farewell Wanderlust. The one coming from within that you didn't suspect was there but wait the most unexpected moment to eat you alive, destroying you and everyone you love and adore.

*Sorry for my poor writing. English is not my first language and it's been a while since i wrote in it!*

4 notes - publié le 9 septembre 2022

n°3

4. What song from Love Run do you always sing along with? for the album ask game. :)

Again, that's a tough one! I sing along all of them (or more particularly, part of them). Doing lipsync on the ''Fuck you'' in ''New York Torch song'' with a mask in a public bus is one of the best thing to do ever (you all have to try it someday). But if i have to choose one song that I always sing along, it would be Love/Run. I sing the whole eight minutes with my heart and my soul - when Joey sing the first Unemployed, my knees go weaks...

The melody and the lyrics are juste soooo fine! It's the promise for adventures, for fun, for lazy day without culpabilities, for love, for dead, for life, for everything. That the only thing worth to move, to do something, is LOVE.

4 notes - publié le 27 juin 2022

n°2

2 and 18 for the Love Run asks!

For the 2 : What song from Love Run gradually grew on you?

I would say Little Miss Why So.

I don't know really why, but at the first listening, I didn't understand the song. In fact, I didn't see where the song was in the story of these humans, what she meant for the two of them, what she was saying about them, about their relationship, about their past, present and future.

It's been only a few weeks that I really, but really listened to the lyrics and saw what that song meant for the protagonists in the vague and vast story of them that I made up (even that story change with time, with my endlessly listening of these songs).

For the 18: If you could pick one Love Run song to watch performed live, what would it be?

Oh my god! It's so difficult to choose! Like is it even possible to choose between one?

I would like to see King be performed just for that line, that I found absolutely beautifully written and sang:

The sea and its waters , every unwanted daughter (is that you're here)

Or even for the whole performance that must be to listen in live of New York Torch Song. Or even just for the comfort of listening Not Yet-Love Run in live.

Sorry, I didn't pick one song; it's just impossible to choose between all of them!

*Sorry for my poor writing. English is not my first language and it's been a while since i wrote in it!*

9 notes - publié le 9 septembre 2022

Mon billet n°1 en 2022

His hands thightened, and the space between them diminished by several inches. ''What do you see?'' he asked. Sophie stumbled, but she never took her eyes off his. ''My soul'', she whispered. ''I see my very soul''.

Julia Quinn, ‘’An Offer from a Gentlemen’’

15 notes - publié le 25 avril 2022

Obtenez votre année 2022 en revue sur Tumblr →

#tumblr2022 #année en revue #mon année tumblr 2022 en revue #votre année tumblr en revue #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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nimphontheshore · 1 month

Text

Coming back home, to me, at last.

Baby baby.

You know you have an anxious boyfriend, right…? Toujours peur, somehow, de ne pas pouvoir te dire tout ce que je voudrai en temps voulu. So here we go. Je programme d’autant plus ce post, pour être certain qu’il arrive à destination.

Je ne sais même pas par où commencer bébé, tu sais ? Du début, would be smart. Tu as tellement galéré pour décrocher l’opportunité de venir ici, tous les jours étaient une bataille, littéralement et métaphoriquement, aussi. I could see how tough it was for you, c’est pas pour autant que je savais comment apaiser tes maux… Des fois je pense aussi que je devais t’en rajouter sur la conscience, malgré moi. Tout ça pour dire que yeah, those months were terrible for you, really so dreadful, completely depressing, I know you must have felt so helpless.

Pour autant, t’as su préserver, t’as su continuer, sans jamais ne baisser les bras. Toi, tu vois peut être ça comme « je n’avais pas le choix » type-of-situation but still, you had it, you did everything on your own, du début a la fin, et j’espère que tu en prends les mérites. You were so brave, since the moment you decided you wanted to come back here; après l’année plus ou moins désastreuse que tu avais passé lors de ton échange. So brave, to wanna go back, to wanna give it another chance. And you did it baby, you really did it.

Je suis absolument et catégoriquement fier de toi. Et je pense que mille mots ne pourront exprimer à quel point je le suis et à quel point j’y pense tous les jours. Évidement, tu me rends fier every day that god gives, mais puisque nous sommes dans le sujet de ces trois mois: parlons en. Je n’ai jamais douté de toi une seule seconde, pas une seule. La seule chose qui me faisait peur, c’est bien ton anxiété; ça c’est dur à combattre. Tu te souviens avant de partir ? Tu disais que t’avais peur de te sentir seule, t’avais peur de ne rien pouvoir faire à l’extérieur (dans le sens, la moindre corvée serait impossible). Et you did so much — so damn much ? J’aime pas dire que tu m’as surpris, car je savais que t’allais en être capable, mais plutôt ce qui m’a surpris c’est la rapidité que tu as eu, à directement te mettre en selle. It was crazy brave, juste overall so so cool. Tu as fait tellement de choses on your own dès ton arrivée. Je ne voulais pas te le répéter tous les jours mais je te regardais avec des yeux réellement émerveillés. Car je sais que c’est dur puis ouais… J’étais là tous les mois précédents, j’ai absorbé toutes tes peurs, tous tes worries, et te voir finalement gérer complètement; or at least, avoir l’air assez heureuse, reassured me so much. I was looking at you with so much love baby, so much so much. Tu es capable de tout, tu sais ? Je sais que c’est facile à dire mais pas à faire mais pourtant… Toutes nos peurs sont dans notre tête, absolument toutes. Parfois, il faut prendre les choses comme elles viennent, se laisser entraîner, essayer de ne pas trop penser. Peut être que mon regard n’est que extérieur et que je manque de certains points de vues qui t’appartiennent but still… De ce que j’ai vu, mon ange, you were so strong. And extraordinary. Et pour moi, ces mois sont passés vite, un peu trop vite parfois.

You know, my heart still ache about returning here. It was one of the toughest thing I had to do, leaving you. Je sais que je relativise beaucoup devant toi, c’est sûrement pour ne pas m’autoriser à craquer non plus, but i really was affected by it. Even tho je m’en suis longtemps voulu, (encore maintenant quand j’y repense), alors je ne me sentais pas tant valide d’en parler; de m’exprimer, de dire que j’étais triste, mal, stressed; que j’étais angoissé à l’idée de te laisser, que j’avais tellement tellement peur de comment tu allais le vivre, au delà, j’avais aussi tellement peur de te décevoir. J’ai toujours peur de ça. I didnt wanna abandon you, i didn’t want you to feel abandoned. J’ai tellement pleuré dans l’avion, j’avais l’impression qu’on m’arrachait une partie de mon cœur, j’avais l’impression que l’on m’envoyait sur une autre dimension. J’ai envie de dire que je regrette presque mon retour. Car je ne suis pas heureux quand je suis loin de toi dans ces conditions. Évidement je suis loin de toi toute l’année, quand c’est moi au Canada… Mais là c’était différent, par les circonstances. J’essaie de pas regretter, j’essaie de me dire que c’est important que je sois revenu, pour la famille, pour mes grannies que je vois affaiblies de jour en jour, quite literally. Ya beaucoup de colère en moi ici, pour un tas de raisons. Beaucoup ça doit être de la peur aussi, de voir ma vie évoluer, de sentir que les gens autour de moi s’éloignent, disparaissent, dans le cas de mes grands parents notamment; i know time is running. Anyway. Tout ça pour dire que I want you to know that, que ça a été très dur de partir de façon aussi hâtive, que je regrette la façon dont ça s’est déroulé, que c’était tellement éprouvant, que j’avais tellement peur. Bref… Mais au final, regarde ? I’m so fucking proud of you. I have to admit, je sais que ta sanity ne dépend pas seulement de moi, mais j’étais vraiment inquiet après mon départ. Ngl baby, j’suis un peu traumatisé (not in the bad toxic way lmao) de te voir mal, de ton échange au Canada et de ces derniers mois pre-Canada. Je déteste te voir mal, ça me déchire, alors oui, I was scared. Mais même dans les moments les plus éprouvants, tu étais tellement courageuse, tu relativisais beaucoup, tu tenais sur tes deux jambes. Je t’ai pas vu être complètement terrible. Si on retire quelques journées par ma faute, mais ça, ce sont des choses qui arrivent, right ? Mais ton état d’esprit, était totalement exceptionnel. Du moins, c’est ce que je voyais, right ? J’espère quand même que tu me disais tout, Baby, I like to believe that I can see right through you. Even tho I’m not always the best to show it to you.

Je ne vais d’ailleurs pas m’attarder sur ce sujet mais j’espère vraiment que tu peux toujours trouver ton réconfort en moi. Je sais que je suis vraiment maladroit, vraiment contradictoire et overall un peu une merde pour réussir à te réconforter, à te montrer que je suis là, je sais que c’est un de mes défauts, et à chaque fois que ça m’arrive, j’ai peur que ça t’éloigne de moi. But I promise, je prends ça comme des leçons; je ne veux pas que tu doives attendre que je change dans 10 ans, I promise; im trying really hard not to do those mistakes again. I take every one of your words deep inside my heart. And bones.

On sacrifie tous les deux des choses, pour notre couple. « Sacrifice » peut sembler comme un grand méchant mot, alors qu’il ne l’est pas du tout out of my mouth. Car toutes les choses que l’ont fait, toutes les concessions, ce sont par amour, par dévotion, de la bonne volonté, de l’espoir. Et je sais que l’on continuera. J’espère tellement que tu vois à quel point j’essaie de te prioriser au mieux, j’espère que tu sais à quel point mon monde c’est toi, que je respire pour toi, que mes ambitions sont tiennes, que je pense à toi à chaque seconde de la journée. Que je fais de mon mieux, toujours, pour te faire exister dans mon monde, comme le pilier, celui sans lequel je ne pourrai rester entier and standing. You’re everything to me and I know I’m just a boy, I’m just a little human at the end of the day. Alors que you mean so much? You’re so big, everything, the world and the stars, the universe, my infinite. As cheesy as it sounds, we were put on this earth at the same time, to be together. Whatever happens now or later, it will always be you in my mind, body and heart. Know that everything I say or do, is for you.

You’re extraordinary and surprising. Tu ne te rends pas assez compte de tout ce que tu es. Oui, tu as tes défauts, car t’es faite comme tout autre humain bien que j’ai tendance à penser que you’re this entity… Above everyone else (you are, for me). Mais ces défauts ne te définissent pas, loin de là, ces défauts je ne les regarde même pas; je les dédaigne. Mais tout le reste ? Je le prends sur un plateau d’argent. Tu es tellement spectaculaire. Et je te promets, je ne suis absolument pas biased. Je pense souvent à toi (no shit) quand je suis avec d’autres personnes ou des propres membres de ma famille, et je me dis tout le temps que you’re so… Sweet, interesting, smart and overall better. Je suis tellement amoureux de ton intelligence logique ou émotionnelle, de ta tolérance et de tout ce qui fait de toi, toi. Tu ne mérites tellement pas les gens que tu as autour de toi, je n’ai pas honte de le dire — même moi, parfois, je te fais défaut. Tu es tellement un bonheur to be around. And once again… coming from me, le mec qui est difficile, qui ne supporte souvent que très peu sa propre mère ou soeur respirer trop près de lui. Tu es un bonheur tout court. Tu as toujours les bonnes opinions et les bons arguments, if not, you just listen and learn. It’s actually so impressive, je m’inspire beaucoup de toi, je prends exemple. Un nombre incalculable de mes remises en question sont parties de toi. Et ça, dès le début. Alors je ne veux que personne puisse te faire ressentir like you’re not worth it. You are, so much. T’es tellement un diamant, I swear. Taillée dans la roche de façon imparfaite et pourtant… parfaite en éclat. De sa valeur rare.

Alors je me répète, je radote, encore et encore, mais je suis tellement tellement fier de toi. You did it, doll. Now you can rest, it’s over. But it’s also just a chapter. J’espère que tu en retiens une bonne aventure, même si je sais que ça devait être difficile pour toi, ce dernier mois; ne parlons pas de sissy qui était insufferable. It hurt me seeing you like this and not being able to do anything about it. Les nuits sans toi étaient difficiles, même si je restais assez tard, j’ai toujours le pincement et la déception quand je n’arrivais pas à te faire fermer les yeux same time as mine. But now its over, for a bit, we will have peace together.

Tu sais, en juillet 2022 et à la suite de ma perte, j’ai vécu un réel switch dans la façon dont je percevais les choses. Évidement, ce switch parfois s’éteint, et j’ai aussi des passes où je me sens helpless. Mais overall, je trouve que je prends + la vie comme elle me vient. Je me dis que toutes ces choses qui nous embêtent, l’école, les parents, notre situation, elles vont disparaître soon, rien n’est constant, tout est interchangeable, tout est imprévisible. Et tous ces sentiments, ils se passent au fond de nous, le plus souvent. À nous de les dépasser, de les ignorer, des les dompter. Et je suis heureux d’avoir eu ce déclic, car il m’a permit d’être all in avec toi, de me battre et de te vouloir si fort. De te faire passer avant, à chaque fois que je le pouvais. De prioriser l’important. De choisir ce que j’aime et ce que je veux. Je sais encore une fois que j’ai très souvent des discours de privilégié; mais même sans penser à ces propulseurs: we got each other baby, we have so much time ahead, I promise you it will be okay. La suite, ça va aller pour toi. Fais moi confiance. Et puis, whatever happens, we got each other to rest. L’un contre l’autre. Et moi, je ferai de mon possible pour veiller sur toi. Et dans les moments les plus durs, de venir jusqu’à toi; comme tu l’as fait aussi, un peu pour moi.

Baby you did it, YOU DID IT! I promise everything is possible from now on et j’espère que cela t’a redonné un peu de force. Baby, we will be able to do so much in the future. Oui, y’aura toujours des épreuves. Mais tu me fais confiance right ? Le temps passe vite, tu l’as bien vu, vraiment vite. Tout a une fin (sauf nous) une mauvaise journée en cache une bonne. Notre tête c’est le diable, notre prison. Avec ces trois mois, pour moi, tu as su me prouver que l’on peut en sortir, suffit juste d’avoir une volonté, une envie, un espoir. I’m so proud of you for that. So thankful too, everyday is a lesson with you. Maybe you don’t even see it or realize it, but I’m learning everyday by your side.

You did so good my love, so fucking good. You can rest your head now, your peace is ahead. Moi je pense à toi, je vais tracker ton avion sans relâche, I wont be rested until you lay foot in the country, next to me in bed. Je ne sais pas de quoi seront fait les prochaines semaines mais une chose est sure : Baby Will be home, et on se mettra de nouveau dans notre bulle, s’il est nécessaire ou vital de fuir la réalité. Je t’aime, je t’aime plus que les mots ne savent le dire, je t’aime à tel point que ma passion traverse les frontières, les pensées et même le sommeil. Ça dépasse tout. Tu m’as tellement manqué, c’était tellement pas évident parfois. Et pourtant… We always make / made it, sans aucune blessure. Du moins, nothing too deep to break us apart. On en sort plus fort, plus proche, plus aimant. You’re my moon but also my sun. I’m so so so proud to see the woman you’re (still) growing into. Je suis tombé amoureux de la Nereid en 2022, en 2023 et maintenant en 2024, et ce sera ça toutes les années, mois, semaines et jours. Ce sera ça tout le temps. Et je me demande bien trop souvent pourquoi moi, among others, pourquoi moi tu me choisis tous les jours, pourquoi pourquoi pourquoi. But I’m so grateful to be able to receive so much love, so much knowledge.

You did it baby, now it’s time to rest. Now you eat well, you close your eyes, you listen to our playlist and try to sleep for a bit. So you can be feeling energized to date ME ! Relâche tout, pense à moi, pense à retrouver ta famille et le babie. Its gonna be good baby. I feel a bit nostalgic, j’ai l’impression de te revoir rentrer en 2023. C’est fou comme tout passe vite. I think we’re crazy too, together, look at us, on s’est connu au Canada, on rentre, on repart; quoi qu’il arrive on trouvera toujours des opportunités, des expériences, à vivre ensemble. Que ce soit directement ou par procuration. Bon, pitié, je ne vais jamais m’arrêter de parler. Désolé pour ton mec qui part dans tous les sens. C’est ça d’être amoureux…

Safe flight my love. Je suis inquiet. I need you back home, safe. Please text me when you land, even if you don’t have much time (avec les retrouvailles etc) i just need my girl okay. I love you. I love you so much

And one last thing (comme si je ne l’avais pas répété mille fois déjà) : I’m so proud of you for doing this. J’espère que tu es fière de toi, que tu vois tout ça. Je te prêterai bien mes yeux s’il était possible de le faire. I feel so much love.

I will see you in the morning baby, rest.

PS : s’il te plaît garde ta ceinture attachée tout le long du vol, même quand tu peux techniquement la retirer. Je ne veux pas te stresser bébé, pitié, everything will be fine. C’est plutôt pour quand tu dors si y’a des turbulences, toujours peur qu’on se tape quelque part.

I love you, sorry I’m so father material though

I love you I love you

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