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bro I was reading through the reviews on the song of achilles and most of them were just people who were upset that they were gay 😭😭
#( ✉️ ) —— gossipgirl. co#☕ your host ✧˖°#i'm not even joking#look up the song of achilles reviews#go to the one star reviews#and just scroll down and read them#like at least the two-three star reviews have good reasons for their review LOL#but ofc people opinions are different and not everyone is going to like the same thing#blah blah blah#you get my point <3
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Dungeon lord Chilchuck
What would his wish as a dungeon lord be? What would he be like? Headcanons & speculation post for fun. But I’ll start with analytic lead up because that’s always fun for me, though feel free to skip and skim.
When it comes to what Chilchuck’s dungeon lord desires could/would be like we have mainly 3 hints: His nightmare, his succubus and what the winged lion says to him.
Why: — From what we see nightmares are based on the person’s worst fears and insecurities, both Laios’ and Marcille’s nightmare were closely tied to their dungeon lord wishes (Laios’ dream monster being summoned to crush the ghosts of relationships that represented the pressure to fit in and belong, Marcille seeking control over death and aging through magic to avoid loss), the fuel behind their desire/goal if you will. Fear and deep-seated desires are seemingly closely tied, something also supported by Thistle and Mithrun’s reigns as dungeon lords (Thistle proving his worth through fulfilling his given duty + protecting his loved ones, being listened to instead of having to listen, Mithrun escaping rigid two-faced elven society and living in a wonderland where he has no enemies and he’s loved, free from everyone he knew yet propped up by the person symbolizing his brother being chosen over him, the bastard child).
— I’ve talked about the significance I assign to the succubi often by now, but rundown: What we see of each character is all very telling if you care to listen, it shows not only someone’s "ideal form" but what they want from it. Izutsumi’s is familial, offering a hug and comfort, Marcille’s is romantic with a character she knows and loves, offering a kiss on a hand and a connection regardless of how distant it actually is, and Laios’ is platonic, arguable at first but then Laios’ fear of judgement is placated and he is offered the picture perfect friend group that accepts his interest (if you want my full look at Laios’ succubus go here). They take on the most alluring form, most ideal person of their victim, even uncovering deep subconscious desires, so precisely and effectively to the point it leaves victims physically frozen before the object of their desire. Succubi and the demon are themselves tied in lore and it’s easy to see how similar their core skill are. Succubi don’t give a good idea of what a character would wish for on their own but they certainly give hints on what they crave, regardless of how you want to read it.
— Last bit is self-explanatory. To placate Chilchuck and win his compliance over, the monster that reads your soul like an open book offers to give him something specific. But! It’s also important to remember that the lion isn’t offering to fulfill Chilchuck’s dream world wish here, it’s a second prize, because his goal with what he promised Laios is that they’d stay in this world, away from everyone and everything else. Chilchuck wants to get away but is kept back, and it’s here the lion placates him with "hey it’s okay! You can’t do that but I can still give you this! This is enough right? It’ll make everything easier on you".
What each bit says: — Long version in another post. Tldlr: His daughters and family are obviously important to him, and this reinforces that he takes on the role of protector a lot, he’s constantly worried for his party members’ lives and implicitly his family’s. Safety and stability, both economical and otherwise, are his core values and goals, and he berates both others and himself if someone fails on those fronts. Here, there’s the fear of not being enough, of not having been able to protect, and of course of loss.
— Chil’s succubi are obviously sexual, and not only that but agressively and straightforwardly so. It’s not like Marcille’s where there’s personality involved, all they do is give him sultry looks and pretty smiles before jumping on him. His succubi aren’t like Izutsumi’s, always the same exact person and appearance, so it’s not someone but an appealing general idea. The idea of a sexual being he can regard as simply a gorgeous piece of meat and a good time no strings attached. In my interpretation, especially with my reading of Laios’ succubus where even with deep-seated desires negative emotions can be too intense to effectively freeze a victim, I think this doesn’t contradict his character. Relationships have been painful to him in the past, in the succubus scene when his wife gets mentioned his immediate reaction is to yell "Don’t bring her up now!", like with his habit of drinking and as a tallman liking his senses feeling dulled, it’s about not having to feel emotions with how difficult they are to deal with sometimes and just feeling good, or at least not having to think, for a while. If a succubus showcases someone’s ideal connection with an ideal person, then Chilchuck’s is with a pretty person that doesn’t stir any negative memory or drama, someone low stakes and low maintenance that doesn’t require him to manage or talk out feelings because there’s none involved in the first place.
— Once more, wife and family are important! He does long for his family, not only his wife but his daughters, and vice versa. This suggests not only that he wants good relationships with them but that he wants them to be with him, a family life. Far from the cut communication they all more of less have during canon, and perhaps far from their life pre-canon when he worked away from home a significant amount of time. We’ve seen recreations of people by the winged lion before with doppelgangers and monsters (naga), and though he claims he can make satisfying imitations, what we’ve seen is that they base themselves on the best memories of that person, like with Marcille’s dad, or twist behavior to be more pleasant, like Mithrun’s lover (and possibly twist appearances depending on the person’s view of them, but that’s Mithrun analysis). The line does suggest Chilchuck would want his family members as they are in reality and not idealized versions, but the circumstances are chaotic and urgent enough in the scene (and again the lion isn’t fulfilling Chilchuck’s wish but trying to make him content for Laios’) that it could just be the winged lion saying what he needs to to convince him the fastest possible, and like we see with Laios that can crumble to give way to deeper or more complex desires.
On top of that we just have general info on Chil. How does Chilchuck deal w his issues? What does he like to do? He likes alcohol and ignoring his problems. We have to remember there is a split between what someone would consciously wish for and what their soul uncontrollably irrationally craves. As always with Dunmeshi, there’s a narrative of irrational deep-seated desires vs active wants, what you crave vs what you strive for, what you dream of vs what’s actually good for you, the animal vs the human inside you, heart vs mind. Chilchuck craving a harem of hot babes in his fantasies but wanting his family life & wife back again is not mutually exclusive. You may crave becoming a monster and tasting what humans are like a little but still want to save the world & your friends more.
Btw can we adress the irony of him terrified of being the last one alive, of being left by his daughters and wife, of having left and coming back home one day to see everything gone or rampaged, yet not caring about dying of liver failure himself, knowing every time that he enters a dungeon there’s a real risk he may not come out. Die somewhere I can’t see you. I prefer leaving you than being left behind. He’s selfish and shortsighted like that… Chilchuck is selfless in many ways of course, but perhaps also due to his own relationship with his parents, he often undermines the effects he has on others in his relationships, both the good and the bad (he talks himself down about being cowardly and greedy yes, but never hints at his bad health habits, alcoholism and starving himself, may have affected his loved ones, doesn’t question his wife falling into a bad mood the night before she left, and talks about the possibility of dying here and there very casually, though obviously he tries his best to stay alive when it doesn’t concern his health).
Chilchuck king of "Let me just avoid and ignore my problems surely they’ll go away, things might work out and if they don’t well tough luck I’ll survive and I probably deserve it anyways". If I don’t look at it it will dissapear <3 Why care when you can simply not think about it.
You might not understand Mister "my love will stay strong through months of work travel and also 4 years of separation" and Mister "well idk my siblings and me are kinda strangers and my dad is dead but that’s kinda whatever", but typically relationships need some form of maintenance and emotional availability…
The actual headcanons finally
I kinda have 2 routes in mind for dunlord Chil and both of them are centered on "I care too much, i wish things were easy", so first is a lot like his succubi, it’s full on indulging in his guilty pleasures like alcohol and bodies and it’s to keep him in a constant state of thrill and euphoria and distracted, unfeeling about stuff that really matters. "Nothing matters except that I’m enjoying the moment!" vibe. He gets to live a life worthy of Dionysus, with alcohol and women and debauchery and like— never having to think again, never having to feel anything but pleasure again, never have to feel guilty or shitty or angry or sad. He has a harem and gets everything on a silver platter.
Breaking news demon magic-induced rush of euphoria and power still not enough to cure this man of his self-hatred nor his capacity for thought!! But in his case a state of euphoria is what he seeks I think, to kinda mask or replace the Everything Else.
The other is what I think closer to what canon suggests, with what WL implied too with "I’ll make you a new wife and kids like the originals!! 😊", it’s a (spoilers) Wandavision type thing where it’s a slice of life where he’s never at work and always at home and the family eats lunches at the dinner table together and everything and everyone at any moment is just. Happy. No issues. It was all a dream, this is real and everything is fine and your family is perfect and happy. I like to think the timeline would be wonky, his daughters would fluctuate in age, but he’d want to be there for what he missed, would want them to still rely on him and look up to him like when they were young, would like to forget that they’re now independent adults and the distance that grew between Chilchuck and his siblings is happening between them as well. Chil would want doppelgangers of his family imo, at its core just a general wish for a peaceful happy family life with no drama, no need to compromise, a little paradise of unconditional love and no consequences. It’s for sure straightforward, but Chilchuck is a man with straightforward desires…
But see Chilchuck is a greedy man, and he wants it both ways without having to sacrifice anything or expanding any efforts himself. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think playing with these two opposite directions and mixing and matching is most fun. Him leading a life where he indulges in all his worst habits while still having everything he wants… Him getting to have BOTH his wife and any woman he can imagine up, his life like two sides of a coin he can flip at any moment where he’s partying then he’s at home enjoying the quiet and his toddler daughters playing with toys on the carpet. Christ when you remember it’s all an illusion that’s terrifying, the doppelgangers and succubi from the winged lion playing chilchuck ping pong.
A safe little haven both security-stability wise and emotionally. Gets to have both the relaxing and the thrilling in any dose he wants, mixed or separatedly. What I’d argue he had pre-canon too: Can live it up in taverns away from home, stays away from home for long periods of time, and can come back to home aka the symbol of relaxation and safety whenever he decides to. Something he can leave and come back to at will, an anchor he can trust in (until it’s taken from him and his wife leaves. Or in his worse nightmare people rush in and kill his daughters). The ideal of a house and family to a working man, perhaps…
I think it’s fun to think on wether or not these desires would be interesting at all to the winged lion… In canon he seeks out "rare/complex desires", common simple things like I imagine riches, sex, substances and pleasure would be are boring to him, he’s eaten those so many times already. So perhaps he wouldn’t last long as a dunlord, the WL would want to eat him fully quick, can’t keep him interested or waiting long for a meager meal, too much effort raising the cattle and too low quality meat. By making it more twisted or layered Chil’s desire would become more desirable to the demon, it’s part of what’s fun with the third option to me. But whatever. Has he ever eaten a guy with this much repression and self-sabotage... Like trying to get the meat out of a walnut, enrichment…
Other dunlord Chil takes I’ve seen that are fun and good:
@feelo-fick and @pluvio-floret have a dunlord Chilchuck AU project dubbed "tragedy AU" where Chilchuck is said to be "on vacation", in a weird delirious state, only half-there half of the time… From which he doesn’t want to wake up </3 Quoting Feelo, this is why the vacation thing is only a half-joke cause he is 1) letting all his responsibilities go 2) indulging in himself and 3) "spending time with his family" <- lie but you get what i mean. Additional comments that have me vigorously nodding: because changing is hard why cant things just be okay right now without the effort !!! Life is hard he’s so so tired he just wants to feel good… he just wants life to feel nice and easy for a sec while he can learn to breathe again and lose the stress and trauma he’s accumulated…….. spoiler alert yes !!! in fact a depressed person can suck themselves into their job and lock out the world who wouldve thought !!!
And then Cabinette I know posted about his dunlord take once but I don’t have the link, in which Chil has a lot of nosebleeds because of mana overload which is fun and interesting to think about imo~
In dunmeshi, where characters get underground pockets of the world as their playground disconnected from everything outside and the rest of the world, it’s important to remember to face reality even if it has conflict and people with different views and stances from you, it’s something Chilchuck and Marcille and everyone needed to learn, and the thing with a dungeon lord AU is that you imagine a timeline where he fails to <3
A timeline where his dungeon lord wish is to desire nothing bc hope and want has only ever hurt him would also go so hard. Very universal thing though I suppose.
��� And this is why a Chilchuck-centric Coraline AU is really really interesting and fitting and topical— Ok that’ll go in a separate reblog/post at @Fumiku I need to let this end
#Dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#Analysis#dungeon lord chilchuck#Spoilers#dungeon meshi manga spoilers#Wish we could put just parts of a post under a ‘click to read more’ box that scrolls open and closes neatly#Bc 3/4th of the post is just extra explanation for ppl who don’t See The Vision already but like that’s not what i wanted most of the post#to be really gdbdg#Headcanons#You could say the family also represents something he’s built up with how own hands. If he has self-worth issues and thinks he’s a screw-up#in the virtue/honor and likability department especially— his family destroyed/killed also represents the one biggest good thing#he’s done/created crumbling also. Like his wife leaving without a word while he trusted their relationship this can hugely impact#one’s sense of identity and self-worth and what you’re living life for. In his case it’s not too surprising he turned to simple#physical pleasures for comfort and enjoyment. Like with tasting good food having moments feeling good keeps you going#He always focuses on the bad relationships bring and never the good aghhhh#The reverse of Marcille who often idealizes. They both ignore problems in their relationships in opposite ways.#What do you mean why do i bring up marcille. Okay yes this’ll get a marchil Fumiku short brainstorm reblog as well#Chilchuck is so… curse of having feelings and not realizing the extent of them. Underestimating how much you care#It’s either ‘i’m fine who cares’ or falling into the pits of despair and blaming himself n spilling his whole bag no inbetween#Dunmeshi succubus#Fumi rambles#boy that’s what this boils down to i suppose#Family angst “Hey I came back home from work and i’m tired so don’t talk to me about problems or anything k? I’m here to relax smh damn”#< unwilling to admit he has issues he should be working on or that some things are affecting others negatively#Chil you are so enneagram 6w7 <3
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A little promo with my little obsession on the side...........
Reminder all items are shipped from Poland - for details on shipping times check out FAQ or send me a private message!
mmezzy.bigcartel.com
#klance#halloween au#im projecting on the internet my own impostor syndrome#i feel that im awful and should be learning how to draw instead of writing shitty fics#and when i want to write a post and share a little doodle or smth - 'sorry' is right between the lines and its so frustrating#like???? nobody probably cares#im either here or im not#and if i need to finish that little abomination of a fic then so be it you'd think people wouldnt mind too much#and would still want to listen to my captions and see whatever silly doodle however silly it is as long as its true#..............but what if its all redundant#what if i cant draw after i had to flip my entire routine upside down#and will forever chase a thrill of feeling like a prolific artist and it will be always out of reach now#what if people scroll past my art and feel nothing now#what if world is filled with people who kinda hate klance but stay out of reflex and not bc its their deeply routed source of comfort#what if i reached an artistic plateau and will never be good enough#what if this is the limit of my 'talent'#what if i will forever love the projects i want to share but will always hate the execution of it wanting to fix it fix it fix it learn mor#i keep reading the little notes i get on orders#some screenshots i saved#i find good words and opinions and love letters to art as a whole#and i feel insufficient#subpar#i drew a comic about it to an old poem and still havent finished it#there is a point of trying your best when it stops feeling like a challenge and feels like a failure#its the moment where you keep going of course#and yet#there are emotions im sure nobody shares on social media bc we just try to get through them#but who else will take it better than tumblr tags#either way if im less around its because im dealing with creational self-hatred and artistic ambitions#but on the other hand arent all artists like that? i ran out of tag space btw have an awesome weekend
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every time i see "Ed asks Lucius to write down his lyrics" used as an argument for claiming that Ed can't write i just want to. you know. point out that Stede has Lucius write down everything he says?? and does?? all the time?? and when he can't find Lucius he asks Frenchie (who actually cannot write) to do it instead of just writing it himself. and we know Stede can write. it's got nothing to do with ability to write, just that the captains don't seem to want to write stuff themselves when they have an employee whose job is to do that exact thing for them
#this is not with any specific post in mind but i think this every time that point is brought up#like idk if ed can write (i think he can based on the scrolls and books in his room and he can definitely read)#and he is a genius no matter what#but i just think it's ~funny~ how 'ed asks lucius to write sth down instead of writing it himself' is used to argue that ed CAN'T do it#when stede does it ALL THE TIME. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING#it's just fancy captain behavior and having lucius do his job (his actual job and not whatever izzy seems to think lucius' job is lmao)#ok now i got it out thanks this keeps bothering me#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd meta#i guess#also it's hard to write while eating jam AND staring dramatically at a candle i totally get it#like if i had a scribey person in my employ i would also choose to dictate to them instead of writing myself lmao especially with quills
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#one piece#sanji#black leg sanji#everysanji#sabaody archipelago#ch496#alright we hath arrived at the archipelago. almost time for law#he's one of my favorite characters of all time still....i probably will actually do a reread of punk hazard and dressrosa just for him#well. i say reread but i mean i'll slow down and read everything instead of just skimming for panels#maaaaaan. well anyway i obviously like sanji a lot too#i almost started an everylaw blog i actually have the url still#but someone else started that first. idk if they're keeping it up though#feels like the every blogs that were around when i started this one have kinda fallen off#at least some of them. not all but the new ones are by people i dont know!!#at least like. well pingo is a mutual and friend of mine and pokeharvest is a mutual in law#and beaux i think is how they spelled it last. am trying to look for their blog bc they deactivated and remade#and i cannot remember their url at all. actually scrolling my followers. i cannot see them?#i can name most of my mutuals and. not recognizing them#unless they changed urls majorly but even then#wait what do u mean asta hasnt posted in 3 months.#okay well anyway. idk where i was going with this
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you guys care too much about bad tv shows
#i know im a hypocrite considering i care too much about the bad tv show but like. LMAOOOO#scrolled too far down the dash while waiting for my boss to get out of his meeting so we can go to our meeting#and im seeing mutuals vaguing mutuals for character interpretations and its all just.#this is a bad tv show these characters are badly written. im here to have fun and Not have hard and fast interpretations of inconsistently#written fake guys. and i love reading other people tryong to make those inconsistencies into a good character#and i feel no strong attachment to literally any of them. because i am enlightened to the fact that these guys just dont make sense#and thats beautiful and im having more fun than any of you.
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:\
#bit of hep lore here that's kinda depressing so scroll down if this ain't your thing#i haven't spoken to my older sister K properly. ever. which makes sense as she's 12 years older than me and moved out at 15#i have like 3 memories that include her and one's our mother's funeral. so we're effectively strangers#but she wants for us all (the 4 children of our shared mum) to have a meal or drink at Christmas#and now i feel conflicted. do i go and talk to K and S (older brother) and B (younger brother) who i haven't spoken to since last Christmas#or do i not go because it's a long journey and i don't know what I'd say to any of them#anywayss this *just* got proposed to me like an hour ago#welcome to a 🤏 amount of my family stuff. it's a doozy being a part of it all#if you read all of this then you're a ⭐
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LMAOOOOO Clem you're back into the dsmp? do you remember being like 'that was a dark time I'll never return to...' and then you were like 'okay I'm rereading the fanfic just because its so good though..' and now were here. you can never truly stop thinking about those little guys.
LEAVE ME ALONEEEE I HATE YOU. yknow what? its fine. that means i got over my internalized dsmphobia.
#seeing this after logging off ao3 and reading 1247141947219842718947128 dsmp fics. leave me alone im just a girl#atp my life is so overwhelming that dsmp has legitmately become a comfort fandom now.#you would NEVER catch me saying that in 2022 when i left originally#idk guys. i just miss when life was simpler#also cclingy. i jsust cant get them out of my brain unforuntately.#no bcuz i just. out of the blue posted two cclingy posts#bcuz i still love dem. always have only thing i still cared abt when leaving the fandom#and they both got a considerable amount of notes and i was like woah ok#cue scrolling through the tag#cue FALLING DOWN THE FUCKING RABBIT HOLE AGAIN#im back in the fucking building again#all because i reread passerine this passing may.#and also im rewatching the dsmp#as much as one can in these trying times (vods/videos being taken down)#and im at the oct 16 festival SOMEONE SEDATE ME FR
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thinking about the western comics industry again and can i just say i'm Shocked there has yet to be a major equivalent to manga magazines here. like i would kill to be able to pump out comic chapters to a big crowd without having to worry about 1. coloring 2. the publisher imploding on itself before i'm done
#“dallon you can just do that online” 1. scrolling format is my sworn enemy 2. west cries at the sight of long-term comics without color#i guess viz media is trying but. bwah!!!!!!!! it feels so weak in impact atm. though i could just be too far outside of that sphere tbf#u know how the current anime industry in japan is going through a slow death rn. yeah. feels samesies over here w comics#and our animation as well tbh. but that is a whole other thing i don't feel like getting into rn#i will also say i think part of the issue is western audiences refuse to interact with western indies because they think it's beneath them-#-or '''weeb shit''' when. babe those are just more comics. calm down. go read a history book or at least get some fresh air#advertising is also an issue ofc though because! we just! don't have that! outside of marvel + dc + big stuff from webtoon atm!#it's great. smiley face#anyway the visual arts side of the entertainment industry is internationally worrying me can you tell#riot rambles
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oopsie... apparently i was following a radfem. was wondering why that (previous post minus my addition) was on my dash
#it's not hidden or anything#it's in her intro post#how did i not see that 😭#either i got lazy or she updated her pinned post because i find out everything i can about someone before i follow them#read their pinned post follow all the links and scroll down until i've got a decent idea of what i'm getting myself into#just know that if i follow you you've been Vetted#finn says shit#...i should start checking archives too
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Started AFK Arena, got Eugene as my first Legendary, liked his design but was worried I might not like his story bc I haven't yet read many of them and it didn't seem like a story/event heavy game, finally gave in 3 days later Anyhow order of operations: -love it, joke around why there isn't a series about it -no there actually is a comic and other ones too -read them all -actually go back to read Gavus and the kids stories as well -learn you basically JUST missed all them being introduced like 4 months ago -hide your pain by consuming everything NOW -it's 7 am i haven't slept since yesterday where am i
#txts#afk arena#halp#yes i am currently scrolling through tumblr#i LITERALLY at one point during the labyrinth went#'huh Eugene and that angel looking dude seem to work nicely together-wonder why' BEFORE I LEARNED#truly amazing#so far everything was just 'huh if x is the case' AND IT IS#10/10 need more#i wanna both hug them. shake them by their shoulders. chew on them and also just let them live their best lives however they wish#same with the kids but i am way less feral about them-i am counting them in as my babies as well#with every new piece of info i got worried that things might turn out bad or tragic#the relief when i read through all oH GOD#precious little weapons of mass destruction#i-will probably take a nap now#and try for more coherent thoughts another time#i also got like 5 packages arriving anytime between 10am and 10pm which is just....totally great#other fun fact: literally looked at Eugene and Lucilla design wise and put them down mentally as my favs#which considering the everything: yeAH I GUESS IT MAKES SENSE HUH#good genes
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genuinely these panels are going to make me ugly cry
#i'm not back for real yet i think i want to stay away longer. i'm just here to put more things in the queue and answer messages#i really enjoyed trimax vol 4 idk something about it was less miserable than 1-3#might have been the first volume that i wasn't grimacing the entire time i read it. or maybe i'm just desensitized now.#unironically this prayer is soooo beautiful to me. give us this day our daily bread. not bread for the week not bread for a year#just enough for today.#lately when i've been praying it just looks like#please for the love of god please please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPL#things are not looking good for the community house.. lots bureaucracy with the city. and the church that funded us is falling apart#i don't know what i'm going to do if we get shut down it's the one thing in my life that's worth anything#all those kids... where are they going to go. who is going to help them. where is the neighborhood going to get their food.#in two days it will be the anniversary of [REDACTED] and i am so so so scared#just sat in my room today and fruitlessly scrolled thru jobs im not qualified for & tried not to think about thinking about killing myself#i don't WANT to kill myself i don't want to think about it i hate thinking about killing myself i will never ever kill myself or even try#but there is a demon or perhaps a ghost or evil wizard that tells me there's an easy way everything can go away. and it's A STUPID. BITCH.#please do not reply to this post i know you all mean well but i just don't think i can handle it.#talking about it i mean. and hearing people say nice but empty things.#i just wish i had someone to sit next to me.#personal#i don't want to go to church tomorrow :( it all feels so fake and i do not ever feel fed.
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hey fun fact icymi if you have a storygraph account, you can now put your reading on pause with a new status
#mills talks#txted#maybe this is a niche feature that appeals only to the likes of me#but my 'currently reading' just dropped for 19 to 3. that's way less pressure on me aaaaaa#and if you want to unpause them they're in that same 'currently reading' page just scroll down
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How did you get into tcc?
CONFESSION 200
#from what I remember#it all started back in 2016-17#when I discovered about ted bundy and I got interested#so I searched him up in google than when I click on the images#there were fanart of him and I got interested more wanting to know what the people in the group with him did#than when I clicked on the image website#it lead me to tumblr so I made an account curious about it#that’s when I discovered about mass shooters#I got interested again(it was Dylan and Eric)#I than scroll through every tag but without interacting cause I didn’t want my family to know💔#and I just wrote down the user on my diary just so I could go back to my fav tcc account and see if they posted anything or reblogged#and that’s when I first made an insta account cause back than#there were a lot of tcc accounts#but since my family found out I had insta and wanted to follow me and follow them back#of course I didn’t interact I just secretly scroll through the tcc tags of any killers and shooters#and read comments#but without interacting#and of course I wrote down any of my fav tcc accounts users down just so I could go back and see if they posted something new#or rewatched their edits and laugh at their jokes
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#whenever I scroll through like Twitter or Bluesky or tumblr I see a lot of people making stuff with their oc#or like yume stuff with their fave characters and it makes me go like ''oh I'd love to do that too''#but then I remember that Gilgamesh would never like look towards me because I visually don't appeal to his tastes#nor my like character wouldn't pick up his interest because I'm a boring loser and a coward and sometimes it really puts me down#and yeah I know it's stupid but I just can't help myself😅#and I know that some of you might come to me and say words of support and I would appreciate them#but I'm writing this not to pity party myself but to just lift this weight out of my chest#and I have a friend of mine and we know each other since the childhood like we went to the same kindergarten#and I remember her always being determined and ahe always stood up for herself and was never afraid to voice her opinions#and I always admired her for that because because I always stayed quiet during the arguments or try to avoid them completely#or whenever someone was bullying me I always just burst into tears and just ran away#and I sometimes hate myself for being weak but I just can't do anything about it#and recently this friend she went into military and even though I worry about her and support her#I just can't help myself and not feel envious (in a good way) because of her bravery and determination to make that choice#and just throw her into this challenge despite all of her worries doubts and consequences that she might face#like I can't even call a dentist to make an appointment without being anxious#while she's ready to throw herself into the pits of hell despite fear and everything#like my friend is like that perfect image of a person that Gilgamesh would look upon with admiration and some respect#and I wish I could be like that too#I wish I could be the person which Gil would praise rather than look upon like on a piece of trash...#anyway sorry for ranting and thank you for reading if you did#these thoughts have been eating me for quite awhile and I wanted to voice them at least somewhere#personal
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i am fully aware that the new word of the month on my site would have been a much better fit for October ("sanguivorous," adjective - feeding on blood, as a bat or an insect), but alas i choose them randomly and i shall not violate that for the sake of theming.
#friday chats#if y'all are wondering How i choose them#i have a google doc chock-full of interesting words i've found#whether through dictionary.com's word of the day or through reading or songs or whatever else#and i just hover my mouse over the text close my eyes and scroll up and down at random for 30 seconds#a totally efficient process#yes the list is alphabetized. and there's headers for each letter so i can quick-jump to a section if i need to.#And i often comment in the margins with stuff like pronunciation or etymology or related words#AND. it is eighteen pages long.#bc i am a massive fucking nerd who's always loved expanding my vocabulary.
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