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bro I was reading through the reviews on the song of achilles and most of them were just people who were upset that they were gay šš
#( āļø ) āā gossipgirl. co#ā your host ā§ĖĀ°#i'm not even joking#look up the song of achilles reviews#go to the one star reviews#and just scroll down and read them#like at least the two-three star reviews have good reasons for their review LOL#but ofc people opinions are different and not everyone is going to like the same thing#blah blah blah#you get my point <3
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Dungeon lord Chilchuck
What would his wish as a dungeon lord be? What would he be like? Headcanons & speculation post for fun. But Iāll start with analytic lead up because thatās always fun for me, though feel free to skip and skim.
When it comes to what Chilchuckās dungeon lord desires could/would be like we have mainly 3 hints: His nightmare, his succubus and what the winged lion says to him.
Why: ā From what we see nightmares are based on the personās worst fears and insecurities, both Laiosā and Marcilleās nightmare were closely tied to their dungeon lord wishes (Laiosā dream monster being summoned to crush the ghosts of relationships that represented the pressure to fit in and belong, Marcille seeking control over death and aging through magic to avoid loss), the fuel behind their desire/goal if you will. Fear and deep-seated desires are seemingly closely tied, something also supported by Thistle and Mithrunās reigns as dungeon lords (Thistle proving his worth through fulfilling his given duty + protecting his loved ones, being listened to instead of having to listen, Mithrun escaping rigid two-faced elven society and living in a wonderland where he has no enemies and heās loved, free from everyone he knew yet propped up by the person symbolizing his brother being chosen over him, the bastard child).
ā Iāve talked about the significance I assign to the succubi often by now, but rundown: What we see of each character is all very telling if you care to listen, it shows not only someoneās "ideal form" but what they want from it. Izutsumiās is familial, offering a hug and comfort, Marcilleās is romantic with a character she knows and loves, offering a kiss on a hand and a connection regardless of how distant it actually is, and Laiosā is platonic, arguable at first but then Laiosā fear of judgement is placated and he is offered the picture perfect friend group that accepts his interest (if you want my full look at Laiosā succubus go here). They take on the most alluring form, most ideal person of their victim, even uncovering deep subconscious desires, so precisely and effectively to the point it leaves victims physically frozen before the object of their desire. Succubi and the demon are themselves tied in lore and itās easy to see how similar their core skill are. Succubi donāt give a good idea of what a character would wish for on their own but they certainly give hints on what they crave, regardless of how you want to read it.
ā Last bit is self-explanatory. To placate Chilchuck and win his compliance over, the monster that reads your soul like an open book offers to give him something specific. But! Itās also important to remember that the lion isnāt offering to fulfill Chilchuckās dream world wish here, itās a second prize, because his goal with what he promised Laios is that theyād stay in this world, away from everyone and everything else. Chilchuck wants to get away but is kept back, and itās here the lion placates him with "hey itās okay! You canāt do that but I can still give you this! This is enough right? Itāll make everything easier on you".
What each bit says: ā Long version in another post. Tldlr: His daughters and family are obviously important to him, and this reinforces that he takes on the role of protector a lot, heās constantly worried for his party membersā lives and implicitly his familyās. Safety and stability, both economical and otherwise, are his core values and goals, and he berates both others and himself if someone fails on those fronts. Here, thereās the fear of not being enough, of not having been able to protect, and of course of loss.
ā Chilās succubi are obviously sexual, and not only that but agressively and straightforwardly so. Itās not like Marcilleās where thereās personality involved, all they do is give him sultry looks and pretty smiles before jumping on him. His succubi arenāt like Izutsumiās, always the same exact person and appearance, so itās not someone but an appealing general idea. The idea of a sexual being he can regard as simply a gorgeous piece of meat and a good time no strings attached. In my interpretation, especially with my reading of Laiosā succubus where even with deep-seated desires negative emotions can be too intense to effectively freeze a victim, I think this doesnāt contradict his character. Relationships have been painful to him in the past, in the succubus scene when his wife gets mentioned his immediate reaction is to yell "Donāt bring her up now!", like with his habit of drinking and as a tallman liking his senses feeling dulled, itās about not having to feel emotions with how difficult they are to deal with sometimes and just feeling good, or at least not having to think, for a while. If a succubus showcases someoneās ideal connection with an ideal person, then Chilchuckās is with a pretty person that doesnāt stir any negative memory or drama, someone low stakes and low maintenance that doesnāt require him to manage or talk out feelings because thereās none involved in the first place.
ā Once more, wife and family are important! He does long for his family, not only his wife but his daughters, and vice versa. This suggests not only that he wants good relationships with them but that he wants them to be with him, a family life. Far from the cut communication they all more of less have during canon, and perhaps far from their life pre-canon when he worked away from home a significant amount of time. Weāve seen recreations of people by the winged lion before with doppelgangers and monsters (naga), and though he claims he can make satisfying imitations, what weāve seen is that they base themselves on the best memories of that person, like with Marcilleās dad, or twist behavior to be more pleasant, like Mithrunās lover (and possibly twist appearances depending on the personās view of them, but thatās Mithrun analysis). The line does suggest Chilchuck would want his family members as they are in reality and not idealized versions, but the circumstances are chaotic and urgent enough in the scene (and again the lion isnāt fulfilling Chilchuckās wish but trying to make him content for Laiosā) that it could just be the winged lion saying what he needs to to convince him the fastest possible, and like we see with Laios that can crumble to give way to deeper or more complex desires.
On top of that we just have general info on Chil. How does Chilchuck deal w his issues? What does he like to do? He likes alcohol and ignoring his problems. We have to remember there is a split between what someone would consciously wish for and what their soul uncontrollably irrationally craves. As always with Dunmeshi, thereās a narrative of irrational deep-seated desires vs active wants, what you crave vs what you strive for, what you dream of vs whatās actually good for you, the animal vs the human inside you, heart vs mind. Chilchuck craving a harem of hot babes in his fantasies but wanting his family life & wife back again is not mutually exclusive. You may crave becoming a monster and tasting what humans are like a little but still want to save the world & your friends more.
Btw can we adress the irony of him terrified of being the last one alive, of being left by his daughters and wife, of having left and coming back home one day to see everything gone or rampaged, yet not caring about dying of liver failure himself, knowing every time that he enters a dungeon thereās a real risk he may not come out. Die somewhere I canāt see you. I prefer leaving you than being left behind. Heās selfish and shortsighted like thatā¦ Chilchuck is selfless in many ways of course, but perhaps also due to his own relationship with his parents, he often undermines the effects he has on others in his relationships, both the good and the bad (he talks himself down about being cowardly and greedy yes, but never hints at his bad health habits, alcoholism and starving himself, may have affected his loved ones, doesnāt question his wife falling into a bad mood the night before she left, and talks about the possibility of dying here and there very casually, though obviously he tries his best to stay alive when it doesnāt concern his health).
Chilchuck king of "Let me just avoid and ignore my problems surely theyāll go away, things might work out and if they donāt well tough luck Iāll survive and I probably deserve it anyways". If I donāt look at it it will dissapear <3 Why care when you can simply not think about it.
You might not understand Mister "my love will stay strong through months of work travel and also 4 years of separation" and Mister "well idk my siblings and me are kinda strangers and my dad is dead but thatās kinda whatever", but typically relationships need some form of maintenance and emotional availabilityā¦
The actual headcanons finally
I kinda have 2 routes in mind for dunlord Chil and both of them are centered on "I care too much, i wish things were easy", so first is a lot like his succubi, itās full on indulging in his guilty pleasures like alcohol and bodies and itās to keep him in a constant state of thrill and euphoria and distracted, unfeeling about stuff that really matters. "Nothing matters except that Iām enjoying the moment!" vibe. He gets to live a life worthy of Dionysus, with alcohol and women and debauchery and likeā never having to think again, never having to feel anything but pleasure again, never have to feel guilty or shitty or angry or sad. He has a harem and gets everything on a silver platter.
Breaking news demon magic-induced rush of euphoria and power still not enough to cure this man of his self-hatred nor his capacity for thought!! But in his case a state of euphoria is what he seeks I think, to kinda mask or replace the Everything Else.
The other is what I think closer to what canon suggests, with what WL implied too with "Iāll make you a new wife and kids like the originals!!Ā š", itās a (spoilers) Wandavision type thing where itās a slice of life where heās never at work and always at home and the family eats lunches at the dinner table together and everything and everyone at any moment is just. Happy. No issues. It was all a dream, this is real and everything is fine and your family is perfect and happy. I like to think the timeline would be wonky, his daughters would fluctuate in age, but heād want to be there for what he missed, would want them to still rely on him and look up to him like when they were young, would like to forget that theyāre now independent adults and the distance that grew between Chilchuck and his siblings is happening between them as well. Chil would want doppelgangers of his family imo, at its core just a general wish for a peaceful happy family life with no drama, no need to compromise, a little paradise of unconditional love and no consequences. Itās for sure straightforward, but Chilchuck is a man with straightforward desiresā¦
But see Chilchuck is a greedy man, and he wants it both ways without having to sacrifice anything or expanding any efforts himself. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think playing with these two opposite directions and mixing and matching is most fun. Him leading a life where he indulges in all his worst habits while still having everything he wantsā¦ Him getting to have BOTH his wife and any woman he can imagine up, his life like two sides of a coin he can flip at any moment where heās partying then heās at home enjoying the quiet and his toddler daughters playing with toys on the carpet. Christ when you remember itās all an illusion thatās terrifying, the doppelgangers and succubi from the winged lion playing chilchuck ping pong.
A safe little haven both security-stability wise and emotionally. Gets to have both the relaxing and the thrilling in any dose he wants, mixed or separatedly. What Iād argue he had pre-canon too: Can live it up in taverns away from home, stays away from home for long periods of time, and can come back to home aka the symbol of relaxation and safety whenever he decides to. Something he can leave and come back to at will, an anchor he can trust in (until itās taken from him and his wife leaves. Or in his worse nightmare people rush in and kill his daughters). The ideal of a house and family to a working man, perhapsā¦
I think itās fun to think on wether or not these desires would be interesting at all to the winged lionā¦ In canon he seeks out "rare/complex desires", common simple things like I imagine riches, sex, substances and pleasure would be are boring to him, heās eaten those so many times already. So perhaps he wouldnāt last long as a dunlord, the WL would want to eat him fully quick, canāt keep him interested or waiting long for a meager meal, too much effort raising the cattle and too low quality meat. By making it more twisted or layered Chilās desire would become more desirable to the demon, itās part of whatās fun with the third option to me. But whatever. Has he ever eaten a guy with this much repression and self-sabotage... Like trying to get the meat out of a walnut, enrichmentā¦
Other dunlord Chil takes Iāve seen that are fun and good:
@feelo-fick and @pluvio-floret have a dunlord Chilchuck AU project dubbed "tragedy AU" where Chilchuck is said to be "on vacation", in a weird delirious state, only half-there half of the timeā¦ From which he doesnāt want to wake up </3 Quoting Feelo, this is why the vacation thing is only a half-joke cause he is 1) letting all his responsibilities go 2) indulging in himself and 3) "spending time with his family" <- lie but you get what i mean. Additional comments that have me vigorously nodding: because changing is hard why cant things just be okay right now without the effort !!! Life is hard heās so so tired he just wants to feel goodā¦ he just wants life to feel nice and easy for a sec while he can learn to breathe again and lose the stress and trauma heās accumulatedā¦ā¦.. spoiler alert yes !!! in fact a depressed person can suck themselves into their job and lock out the world who wouldve thought !!!
And then Cabinette I know posted about his dunlord take once but I donāt have the link, in which Chil has a lot of nosebleeds because of mana overload which is fun and interesting to think about imo~
In dunmeshi, where characters get underground pockets of the world as their playground disconnected from everything outside and the rest of the world, itās important to remember to face reality even if it has conflict and people with different views and stances from you, itās something Chilchuck and Marcille and everyone needed to learn, and the thing with a dungeon lord AU is that you imagine a timeline where he fails to <3
A timeline where his dungeon lord wish is to desire nothing bc hope and want has only ever hurt him would also go so hard. Very universal thing though I suppose.
ā¦ And this is why a Chilchuck-centric Coraline AU is really really interesting and fitting and topicalā Ok thatāll go in a separate reblog/post at @Fumiku I need to let this end
#Dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#Analysis#dungeon lord chilchuck#Spoilers#dungeon meshi manga spoilers#Wish we could put just parts of a post under a āclick to read moreā box that scrolls open and closes neatly#Bc 3/4th of the post is just extra explanation for ppl who donāt See The Vision already but like thatās not what i wanted most of the post#to be really gdbdg#Headcanons#You could say the family also represents something heās built up with how own hands. If he has self-worth issues and thinks heās a screw-up#in the virtue/honor and likability department especiallyā his family destroyed/killed also represents the one biggest good thing#heās done/created crumbling also. Like his wife leaving without a word while he trusted their relationship this can hugely impact#oneās sense of identity and self-worth and what youāre living life for. In his case itās not too surprising he turned to simple#physical pleasures for comfort and enjoyment. Like with tasting good food having moments feeling good keeps you going#He always focuses on the bad relationships bring and never the good aghhhh#The reverse of Marcille who often idealizes. They both ignore problems in their relationships in opposite ways.#What do you mean why do i bring up marcille. Okay yes thisāll get a marchil Fumiku short brainstorm reblog as well#Chilchuck is soā¦ curse of having feelings and not realizing the extent of them. Underestimating how much you care#Itās either āiām fine who caresā or falling into the pits of despair and blaming himself n spilling his whole bag no inbetween#Dunmeshi succubus#Fumi rambles#boy thatās what this boils down to i suppose#Family angst āHey I came back home from work and iām tired so donāt talk to me about problems or anything k? Iām here to relax smh damnā#< unwilling to admit he has issues he should be working on or that some things are affecting others negatively#Chil you are so enneagram 6w7 <3
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A little promo with my little obsession on the side...........
Reminder all items are shipped from Poland - for details on shipping times check out FAQ or send me a private message!
Ā mmezzy.bigcartel.com
#klance#halloween au#im projecting on the internet my own impostor syndrome#i feel that im awful and should be learning how to draw instead of writing shitty fics#and when i want to write a post and share a little doodle or smth - 'sorry' is right between the lines and its so frustrating#like???? nobody probably cares#im either here or im not#and if i need to finish that little abomination of a fic then so be it you'd think people wouldnt mind too much#and would still want to listen to my captions and see whatever silly doodle however silly it is as long as its true#..............but what if its all redundant#what if i cant draw after i had to flip my entire routine upside down#and will forever chase a thrill of feeling like a prolific artist and it will be always out of reach now#what if people scroll past my art and feel nothing now#what if world is filled with people who kinda hate klance but stay out of reflex and not bc its their deeply routed source of comfort#what if i reached an artistic plateau and will never be good enough#what if this is the limit of my 'talent'#what if i will forever love the projects i want to share but will always hate the execution of it wanting to fix it fix it fix it learn mor#i keep reading the little notes i get on orders#some screenshots i saved#i find good words and opinions and love letters to art as a whole#and i feel insufficient#subpar#i drew a comic about it to an old poem and still havent finished it#there is a point of trying your best when it stops feeling like a challenge and feels like a failure#its the moment where you keep going of course#and yet#there are emotions im sure nobody shares on social media bc we just try to get through them#but who else will take it better than tumblr tags#either way if im less around its because im dealing with creational self-hatred and artistic ambitions#but on the other hand arent all artists like that? i ran out of tag space btw have an awesome weekend
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every time i see "Ed asks Lucius to write down his lyrics" used as an argument for claiming that Ed can't write i just want to. you know. point out that Stede has Lucius write down everything he says?? and does?? all the time?? and when he can't find Lucius he asks Frenchie (who actually cannot write) to do it instead of just writing it himself. and we know Stede can write. it's got nothing to do with ability to write, just that the captains don't seem to want to write stuff themselves when they have an employee whose job is to do that exact thing for them
#this is not with any specific post in mind but i think this every time that point is brought up#like idk if ed can write (i think he can based on the scrolls and books in his room and he can definitely read)#and he is a genius no matter what#but i just think it's ~funny~ how 'ed asks lucius to write sth down instead of writing it himself' is used to argue that ed CAN'T do it#when stede does it ALL THE TIME. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING#it's just fancy captain behavior and having lucius do his job (his actual job and not whatever izzy seems to think lucius' job is lmao)#ok now i got it out thanks this keeps bothering me#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd meta#i guess#also it's hard to write while eating jam AND staring dramatically at a candle i totally get it#like if i had a scribey person in my employ i would also choose to dictate to them instead of writing myself lmao especially with quills
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#one piece#sanji#black leg sanji#everysanji#sabaody archipelago#ch496#alright we hath arrived at the archipelago. almost time for law#he's one of my favorite characters of all time still....i probably will actually do a reread of punk hazard and dressrosa just for him#well. i say reread but i mean i'll slow down and read everything instead of just skimming for panels#maaaaaan. well anyway i obviously like sanji a lot too#i almost started an everylaw blog i actually have the url still#but someone else started that first. idk if they're keeping it up though#feels like the every blogs that were around when i started this one have kinda fallen off#at least some of them. not all but the new ones are by people i dont know!!#at least like. well pingo is a mutual and friend of mine and pokeharvest is a mutual in law#and beaux i think is how they spelled it last. am trying to look for their blog bc they deactivated and remade#and i cannot remember their url at all. actually scrolling my followers. i cannot see them?#i can name most of my mutuals and. not recognizing them#unless they changed urls majorly but even then#wait what do u mean asta hasnt posted in 3 months.#okay well anyway. idk where i was going with this
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:\
#bit of hep lore here that's kinda depressing so scroll down if this ain't your thing#i haven't spoken to my older sister K properly. ever. which makes sense as she's 12 years older than me and moved out at 15#i have like 3 memories that include her and one's our mother's funeral. so we're effectively strangers#but she wants for us all (the 4 children of our shared mum) to have a meal or drink at Christmas#and now i feel conflicted. do i go and talk to K and S (older brother) and B (younger brother) who i haven't spoken to since last Christmas#or do i not go because it's a long journey and i don't know what I'd say to any of them#anywayss this *just* got proposed to me like an hour ago#welcome to a š¤ amount of my family stuff. it's a doozy being a part of it all#if you read all of this then you're a ā
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you ever have a fic get you in such a chokehold you start pacing your room and talking to yourself
#THIS FIC WAS WRITTEN FOR ME SPECIFICALLY#BURN IT ALL DOWN BY DOROTHYCANFLY ON AO3 THIS IS GENUINELY ONE OF MY TOP 5 FICS OF ALL TIME EVER#IT'S GOT THE BEST DABI CHARACTERISATION IVE EVER COME ACROSS IT'S GOT REALLY WELL WRITTEN DABIHAWKS#THAT FITS BOTH OF THEM LIKE THEY'RE MEAN AS HELL ABOUT IT AT FIRST#IT'S GOT STUPIDLY DEVOTED TOUYA-SHOUTO IT'S GOT PROTECTIVE BIG BROTHER TOUYA#IT'S GOT MENTAL ANGST WRITTEN LIKE A DREAM THE WRITING IN GENERAL IS INSANE#IT'S ACTION PACKED BUT DONE WELL SO THAT IT'S NOT TEDIOUS IT'S FUNNY IT'S GOT TWISTS#IT'S KEEPING ME ON MY TOES I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S COMING OR HOW FAR THE AUTHOR IS WILLING TO GO#IVE LITERALLY READ 300K WORDS IN TWO DAYS AT THIS POINT LIKE I AM ABSOLUTELY FINISHING THIS TONIGHT#WHAT THE FUCK EVEN AM I GONNA DO WITH MYSELF AFTER THIS#EVERY NEW THING THAT HAPPENS LITERALLY HAS ME GETTING UP TO PACE ABOUT#I CLOCKED OUT OF MY MUM TELLING ME OFF EARLIER BC I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS FIC#DO U KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS BASO JUST SIGNED MY DEATH WARRANT BUT I DIDNT CARE#losing my goddamn mind respectfully <3 if anyone has read this pls yell with me about it#and if anyone knows mha and wants a fic rec PLEASE let it be this one it's my fav mha fic ever and ive read A LOT#it gets quite smutty in the middle but if that's not ur thing the author tws very well and u can kinda just scroll#so that u still get the important character developments without it being just pure smut lol#god this FIC. holding it in my fucking fist and squeezing the everloving life out of it im going INSANE#i cant remember the last time a fic got me this way im literally giggling about it all#HE FOUND A REASON TO LIVE AGAIN THEY TOOK THIS MANGLED BLOODY BOY AND SAID WE LOVE YOU#YOU ARE GOOD YOU CAN STAY YOU CAN REST NOW WE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU AND HE CHOSE THEM! HE CHOSE THEM!#OVER HIS REVENGE AND HIS RAGE HE CHOSE THEM! IM GOING TO BE VIOLENTLY SICK#like the author LETS DABI BE A CUNT. the first chunk of the fic he's actively not a good person#and his coping mechanisms are shot to shit and we WATCH HIM GROW FROM THAT i have cried several times over the most mundane shit#goddddddddDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAKSJFJKAGSFIUAHGJKAKG#mha#fic rec
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thinking about the western comics industry again and can i just say i'm Shocked there has yet to be a major equivalent to manga magazines here. like i would kill to be able to pump out comic chapters to a big crowd without having to worry about 1. coloring 2. the publisher imploding on itself before i'm done
#ādallon you can just do that onlineā 1. scrolling format is my sworn enemy 2. west cries at the sight of long-term comics without color#i guess viz media is trying but. bwah!!!!!!!! it feels so weak in impact atm. though i could just be too far outside of that sphere tbf#u know how the current anime industry in japan is going through a slow death rn. yeah. feels samesies over here w comics#and our animation as well tbh. but that is a whole other thing i don't feel like getting into rn#i will also say i think part of the issue is western audiences refuse to interact with western indies because they think it's beneath them-#-or '''weeb shit''' when. babe those are just more comics. calm down. go read a history book or at least get some fresh air#advertising is also an issue ofc though because! we just! don't have that! outside of marvel + dc + big stuff from webtoon atm!#it's great. smiley face#anyway the visual arts side of the entertainment industry is internationally worrying me can you tell#riot rambles
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oopsie... apparently i was following a radfem. was wondering why that (previous post minus my addition) was on my dash
#it's not hidden or anything#it's in her intro post#how did i not see that š#either i got lazy or she updated her pinned post because i find out everything i can about someone before i follow them#read their pinned post follow all the links and scroll down until i've got a decent idea of what i'm getting myself into#just know that if i follow you you've been Vetted#finn says shit#...i should start checking archives too
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Started AFK Arena, got Eugene as my first Legendary, liked his design but was worried I might not like his story bc I haven't yet read many of them and it didn't seem like a story/event heavy game, finally gave in 3 days later Anyhow order of operations: -love it, joke around why there isn't a series about it -no there actually is a comic and other ones too -read them all -actually go back to read Gavus and the kids stories as well -learn you basically JUST missed all them being introduced like 4 months ago -hide your pain by consuming everything NOW -it's 7 am i haven't slept since yesterday where am i
#txts#afk arena#halp#yes i am currently scrolling through tumblr#i LITERALLY at one point during the labyrinth went#'huh Eugene and that angel looking dude seem to work nicely together-wonder why' BEFORE I LEARNED#truly amazing#so far everything was just 'huh if x is the case' AND IT IS#10/10 need more#i wanna both hug them. shake them by their shoulders. chew on them and also just let them live their best lives however they wish#same with the kids but i am way less feral about them-i am counting them in as my babies as well#with every new piece of info i got worried that things might turn out bad or tragic#the relief when i read through all oH GOD#precious little weapons of mass destruction#i-will probably take a nap now#and try for more coherent thoughts another time#i also got like 5 packages arriving anytime between 10am and 10pm which is just....totally great#other fun fact: literally looked at Eugene and Lucilla design wise and put them down mentally as my favs#which considering the everything: yeAH I GUESS IT MAKES SENSE HUH#good genes
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genuinely these panels are going to make me ugly cry
#i'm not back for real yet i think i want to stay away longer. i'm just here to put more things in the queue and answer messages#i really enjoyed trimax vol 4 idk something about it was less miserable than 1-3#might have been the first volume that i wasn't grimacing the entire time i read it. or maybe i'm just desensitized now.#unironically this prayer is soooo beautiful to me. give us this day our daily bread. not bread for the week not bread for a year#just enough for today.#lately when i've been praying it just looks like#please for the love of god please please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPL#things are not looking good for the community house.. lots bureaucracy with the city. and the church that funded us is falling apart#i don't know what i'm going to do if we get shut down it's the one thing in my life that's worth anything#all those kids... where are they going to go. who is going to help them. where is the neighborhood going to get their food.#in two days it will be the anniversary of [REDACTED] and i am so so so scared#just sat in my room today and fruitlessly scrolled thru jobs im not qualified for & tried not to think about thinking about killing myself#i don't WANT to kill myself i don't want to think about it i hate thinking about killing myself i will never ever kill myself or even try#but there is a demon or perhaps a ghost or evil wizard that tells me there's an easy way everything can go away. and it's A STUPID. BITCH.#please do not reply to this post i know you all mean well but i just don't think i can handle it.#talking about it i mean. and hearing people say nice but empty things.#i just wish i had someone to sit next to me.#personal#i don't want to go to church tomorrow :( it all feels so fake and i do not ever feel fed.
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LMAOOOOO Clem you're back into the dsmp? do you remember being like 'that was a dark time I'll never return to...' and then you were like 'okay I'm rereading the fanfic just because its so good though..' and now were here. you can never truly stop thinking about those little guys.
LEAVE ME ALONEEEE I HATE YOU. yknow what? its fine. that means i got over my internalized dsmphobia.
#seeing this after logging off ao3 and reading 1247141947219842718947128 dsmp fics. leave me alone im just a girl#atp my life is so overwhelming that dsmp has legitmately become a comfort fandom now.#you would NEVER catch me saying that in 2022 when i left originally#idk guys. i just miss when life was simpler#also cclingy. i jsust cant get them out of my brain unforuntately.#no bcuz i just. out of the blue posted two cclingy posts#bcuz i still love dem. always have only thing i still cared abt when leaving the fandom#and they both got a considerable amount of notes and i was like woah ok#cue scrolling through the tag#cue FALLING DOWN THE FUCKING RABBIT HOLE AGAIN#im back in the fucking building again#all because i reread passerine this passing may.#and also im rewatching the dsmp#as much as one can in these trying times (vods/videos being taken down)#and im at the oct 16 festival SOMEONE SEDATE ME FR
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i am fully aware that the new word of the month on my site would have been a much better fit for October ("sanguivorous," adjective - feeding on blood, as a bat or an insect), but alas i choose them randomly and i shall not violate that for the sake of theming.
#friday chats#if y'all are wondering How i choose them#i have a google doc chock-full of interesting words i've found#whether through dictionary.com's word of the day or through reading or songs or whatever else#and i just hover my mouse over the text close my eyes and scroll up and down at random for 30 seconds#a totally efficient process#yes the list is alphabetized. and there's headers for each letter so i can quick-jump to a section if i need to.#And i often comment in the margins with stuff like pronunciation or etymology or related words#AND. it is eighteen pages long.#bc i am a massive fucking nerd who's always loved expanding my vocabulary.
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apparently i have a half sister???
what the fuck???
#???#the secret world of merry mac#apparently my mom facebook-stalks her????? ''oh yeah she looks just like [your dad]'' ??????????#does she???? i don't know????? turns out i don't know what my dad looks like either i guess?????#i've always coasted through life thinking that everyone else has family drama but not me...#and now there's 2 whammo! situations in this one week right here#wham sitch no. 1: danny uninvited me to his wedding bc he's mad that i said Bad Words on the phone to him while i was driving#(we were supposed to meet at an exit on the freeway so i could hand over some stuff he'd left at my mom's house. literally the only info#he gave me was: ''meet me at Ridgegate Parkway exit'' and it turned out there's FUCKING NOTHING at that exit. there wasn't#anywhere to even pull over. no parking lots no nothing. so i was talk-to-texting and i'd already been driving for 6 hours and I HAD#KEPT HIM UPDATED AS TO WHERE I WAS so there was no lack of information on my part. APPARENTLY i was supposed to psychically#intuit that i should have gone to the Park N Ride parking lot off the exit. i did not intuit this and therefore had no idea i should have#been looking for that. so i was upset and driving around in circles in rush hour traffic in Lone Tree CO where everyone drives $50K#SUVs and they drive them aggressively. Danny of course thinks this is MY fault because i didn't pick up the phone to call him and#ask for more information apparently. reminder: i was driving. 99% of my driving was on the mf freeway doing 80mph. i wasn't going#to open the phone then open my contacts and then scroll down to his name and then make a call. talk to text was already dumb and#dangerous to do but it was a lot easier to glance at the phone or make it read a text to me than it was to make a phone call and play#20 Questions about where the fuck i was supposed to meet him.)#y'know if he had just said ''hey meet me at the Mod Pizza by the IKEA'' that would have been fine!! literally all the info i needed!#but noOo he had to be the smartest smuggest person in the chat and give me only partial information)#wham sitch no. 2: apparently i have an older half sister who looks just like our shared father. huh.
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Hi, I love your fics! They're really well written and super fun and enjoyable to read. Unfortunately I am now faced with the issue that no other fics I have tried to read for Gilmore girls are matching up to the standard, since I never actually read gg fanfiction until I found ra and now that I'm wanting more (besides your stories that I have already binged) nothing is good enough lol. I was wondering if you had any recommendations of fics that you enjoy? Something tells me you have good taste
first of all u are SO SWEET and secondly hmmā¦ i really never have time to read fics these days, but i have old lists of recs that iāll try to find!!!
okay i still canāt find the gigantic rec list (i never can itās v frustrating) but hereās some !! iāll try to find more hang on
okay more: xx aaaand more <333
#asks#anon#gilmore girls#i will edit this with the link once i track the master post down#hopefully u havenāt read any of these yet fjfjfj#they are all soooo good i highly rec them#also just scrolling thru my bookmarks tag on ao3 might help!!!#there are so many talented writers and amazing fics in this fandom
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is good omens good. ive been thinking about checking it out but im afraid of shows that everyone on tumblr likes
#i also havent watched a new show on my own in years#i dont really just start new shows unless my roommate puts them on#actually thats not true i guess i did watch tlou on my own back when that was releasing#other than that. i think the last show i sat down and watched on my own was yjtv. like 2 years ago#bc whenever im on my own im usually either reading something or scrolling#and if i watch something its usually something ive already seen so i can put it on in the background
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