#and just literally doesn't know what friendship feels like anymore as an adult Tumblr posts

[seeminglyseph]

it's so funny to me... looking at video reactions and content about the anime of Erased and realize how many people felt like... idk. cuckolded? by the fact that Kayo did not end up with Satoru in the end, but with Hiromi, the boy who also would have died if the timeline had not been reset.

and like. some of my amusement comes from like... my own ignorance in not realizing that would be a reaction. because like. Obviously. We've been in Satoru's shoes this entire journey and it felt like, especially in the anime, Kayo and Satoru were having these big meaningful moments. like. how could that not be a romance? even though Satoru repeatedly is like 'I am 30, I'm not catching feelings in this situation, what am I doing?'

which I took as like. "Oh, he's inhabiting his little 8 year-old body and also has not had social connection in a long time and is just... having emotions. and Satoru's story is about learning to care and feel again. because adult Satoru had shut down so much due to the trauma of both losing so much in his youth and having the adults around him cope by basically refusing to deal with it and shutting it down. Returning to his childhood before the trauma is reawakening his ability to connect, trust and feel again. Which is something adult Satoru is as confused and unfamiliar with as child Satoru would be with a crush so it reads very similar."

but I also like. ran out of episodes at episode 9, then read the manga, then got like... really really invested in what the story had to say about trauma and the cycles of abuse and silence and well meaning cruelty and convenient victims and patterns of violence and community scapegoats and justice and how people act to preserve face and the justice system and like... the anime picked one thing in the manga to focus on and it was Kayo. and it did that thing like... really really masterfully. it made Kayo's story so heartrending that people forgot almost entirely about everything else. but like. the manga is about like... multiple other subjects of which Kayo features predominantly but like. The character that Satoru is freaking out about having been killed in his flashbacks in the manga is Hiromi, because Hiromi was his friend. It doesn't change the fact that Kayo is very impactful, but the story doesn't revolve entirely around her. So the fact that Hiromi and Kayo found love instead of death, but many anime viewers seem to forget entirely that Hiromi is also a would-be murder victim, is because so much of the non-Kayo story is just... not present or altered.

And even stuff with Kayo because like. She came back after being taken to her grandmother and helped them with the investigation and protection of Aya, the other potential murder victim that goes to a different school.

Honestly sometimes I feel like even people who talk about the anime ending being bad vs the manga ending, miss the parts of the manga that the anime changes. The anime is very excellent for what it is as a stand alone piece, however since it had adapted so much out of the manga to make itself a stand alone piece it didn't give itself an ending that matched what it had created. The anime had devoted itself entirely to the Kayo aspects of the story because they evoked such strong emotions, but the ending... isn't about Kayo. because in the manga, the story wasn't about Kayo. the thing that seems kind of funny to me is, they were stuck with 2 episodes to wrap up a fat chunk of the manga. They were always gonna have to do an anime original ending. They *could* have just gone balls to the wall and gone completely original and played into the fact that they'd been focusing on Kayo the whole time. Not necessarily "waits for him the whole time" but something that puts more focus on her to give more emotional catharsis to the audience. Instead it went with the option no one was happy with and did a limp noodle fast adaptation of the last chunk of the manga with no character development or deduction or planting from the rest of the anime because half the scenes that made any of it make sense got cut.

And now everyone remembers Erased as that great anime with a terrible ending. which sucks because the manga honestly really has a lot to say about a lot of topics. And the anime is artistic and beautiful as hell. but like. the fact that so much of the message is fully not like... either adapted or perceived by audiences or like. Ignored. feels like a sign of something kind of frustrating...

Or I am overthinking big time. That's. I guess a possibility. It might not be that deep, but I think it is. there just might be a level of clumsiness in its execution sometimes, but I think the themes and messages are still there...

[dreameralive]

i think one of the most noteworthy things about Blaise that i haven't really seen anyone discuss is his tendency to liken others to children, his weaponization of it, its relation to him being a child abuser, and its relation to his defeat.

one of his first lines of dialogue, before he even introduces himself, is him humiliating Franziska by calling her 'little von Karma', and then bringing up something retroactively embarrassing she did as a little girl.

he frames this as genuine nostalgia, but to me, it's pretty clear this was a purposeful, and almost sadistic, powerplay.

there's also these lines. these aren't too strange, out of context - "let's all play nice" is a relatively common phrase, and in the second screenshot where he's discussing Kay and Edgeworth's friendship, they are literally youths (well, compared to him). but in context, it's clear that this is part of him attempting to assert his dominance over everyone else.

he wants to let everyone know that he is the adult here, and all they are is children - and thereby, they are completely powerless to his end-all authority, so they shouldn't even bother attempting to resist. this is further emphasized during his logic chess segment.

he calls Edgeworth 'my boy', he reminds him that he is his 'senior in life', he tells him he's being naïve. he threatens to never give back his prosecutors badge if he doesn't stop trying to question his authority. he asks him, mockingly, if he's scared. then, while grinning, he tells him that there is nothing he can do, and he should give up already.

he once again, more blatantly this time, is attempting to force someone else into accepting that they are the weaker party and that he could do anything he pleased to them, and once again, he is weaponizing the societal power imbalance between a child and an adult to do so.

i could go on and on for a while with more examples of this, but then that would make this post really long and rambly. so, instead, i'm going to discuss what his behavior ultimately results in.

this is probably one of the most disturbing interactions in Ace Attorney.

he does this purely so Sebastian will feel humiliated and ashamed in front of his colleagues, people he respects and who in turn are supposed to respect him. he does this to remind Sebastian that he is his father, and Sebastian is his child. to Blaise, that means he has complete control over him. and until this point? he actually does.

he has controlled every aspect of Sebastian's life to be exactly how he wants it. his path in life, his school, his tests - even Sebastian's constant usage of his surname serves as a reminder that Sebastian's only purpose to his father is to be an extension of him, a tool to feed into his ego. an object. something he owns.

note how, in their sprites, Sebastian is typically tilting his head slightly downwards, and in his crying sprites, he's leaning down. meanwhile Blaise stands high, and in his grinning sprites, his head is tilted up, as to literally look down on the person he's talking to.

but in the end, right before Blaise is convicted, right as Blaise tells him he should just remain his idiot son, Sebastian is looking up as he tells him goodbye. a way of saying that he's not beneath him, and he won't let him act like it anymore.

Blaise is immediately infuriated by this, and says all you've ever been able to do is depend on me. he screams Sebastian's name in anger - but it's cut off.

in fact, there is no more dialogue from Blaise after this. because he has no more authority, no more ability to scare Sebastian or anyone else into submission. in the end, Sebastian has finally taken back his autonomy that Blaise has robbed him of. so has Kay. so has Simon. all of them are children he has mistreated, threatened, and jerked around for his own selfish gain, but ultimately, they all still have more power over their own lives than he ever will again.

there's a lot more i could say on this, but these are all my thoughts i could organize. thanks for reading.

[iwillnotdieamonster]

"This is a beautiful letter from Fiona Apple explaining to her fans why she must postpone a concert date. I am impressed at the way she was instantly able to make the decision to choose love over her career. Indeed, the world needs more of this.

It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses, and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel, since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, and my mother, and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know she is coming close to the time where she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.

I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.

Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am revelling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.

Love,

Fiona"

Credit goes to the respective owners.

[peachi-blossom]

My Top 3 Least Favorite Female Leads

This is going to be my ranking on my Top 3 Least Favorite Female Leads.

#3. Meilin "Mei" Lee

When I watched Turning Red back in 2022 (since I was the target audience for the movie), I did not like Mei because she comes off as annoying, unrelatable, and unlikable to me. This is just my opinion on Mei.

Now, what makes her annoying? She is narcissistic, dishonest, bad-tempered, selfish, and she has no sense of self-control in her emotions. I know she is a teenage girl going through puberty, but I genuinely find her annoying.

What makes her unrelatable? Her shallow friendship with her friends and all of her friends including herself are BOY CRAZY. I know they have some good moments, but I find their friendship kind of shallow to me.

And what makes her so unlikable? She disobeys her parents, lies to her parents, sneaks out of the house, threatens Tyler twice, runs away from her family, and twerks at her mom. And what is the worst part? She completely gets away with it SCOT-FREE. At the end, She just becomes more of a narcissistic brat who never learns to grow up. I know she grew up with a strict Chinese mother, but I just can't see her as a likable character.

Again, why is she so annoying, unrelatable, and unlikable? Because she is literally the OPPOSITE version of me.

I know there are people who genuinely like Mei and relate to her, but I just couldn't because of how she acted.

The only thing I like about her is her bedroom. It has my favorite colors pink and green and its cozy.

Now onto the next one!

#2. Princess Ariana De Sacramise

I hate Princess Ariana De Sacramise so much. She's a shallow Mary Sue who collects men like their Pokemon (yes I watched BlackLightJack's two videos yesterday), treats them like animals, manipulates them, and only cares about their looks. Yes I said it, she is WAY MORE shallow than Mei and her friends! I'm not even joking right now, she is a grown woman who is more shallow than four teenage girls who like 4*Town. Like, she ONLY cares about physical attractiveness of MEN.

The creators depicted her as some "hero" you're supposed to root for, but in reality, she is a villainess.

Also, she is a MASSIVE hypocrite.

BRUH, SHE IS LITERALLY DOING THE SAME THING TO MEN AND DOESN'T SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN! I CAN'T WITH THE DOUBLE STANDARDS THAT THE CREATORS HAVE SINCE THEY'RE ALSO WOMEN AND THE ARTIST IS A PEDOPHILE!

Finally, we have the one and only least favorite female lead!

#1. Charlotte "Charlie" Morningstar

I didn't loathe Charlie in the first three episodes, but after episode 4, It just made me LOATHE her so much. I couldn't stand her anymore. She is a delusional friend who doesn't care about her friends, inconsiderate to their feelings and needs, more annoying than Mei because she acts very happy ALL THE TIME on certain situations, doesn't kill Valentino to rescue Angel Dust, and acts like a SPINELESS CRYBABY AS A GROWN WOMAN! I REPEAT, SHE IS A GROWN WOMAN WHO IS A SPINELESS CRYBABY! NO GROWN ADULT SHOULD BE ACTING LIKE HER BECAUSE THAT MAKES THEM MORE IMMATURE AND SELFISH! ESPECIALLY WOMEN BECAUSE THAT JUST REINFORCES THE STEREOTYPE OF WOMEN BEING USELESS! I HATE SEEING WOMEN BEING SPINELESS CRYBABIES!

She is the absolute worst female lead in animation history! She is everything wrong about what a female lead should NOT be! A SELFISH. INCONSIDERATE. DELUSIONAL. SPINELESS. BRATTY. CRYBABY. That's why I LOATHE Charlie Morningstar!

The reason she acts like this is because she is Vivienne Medrano's horrible self insert.

How can anybody stand her bratty behavior? I cannot stand her anymore...

I LITERALLY CANNOT STAND HER ANYMORE FOR BEING SUCH A SPINELESS WOMAN SHE IS!

SHE IS AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE TO HUMANITY! HOW CAN ANYONE STAND HER WHEN SHE IS A SPINELESS GROWN WOMAN?! NOBODY SHOULD BE LOOKING UP TO HER AS SOME ROLE MODEL, ESPECIALLY KIDS WHO ARE IN THE FANDOM WHEN THEY SHOULD NOT BE THERE!

STANS WHO BLINDLY WORSHIP HER SHOULD GROW A SPINE AND STOP BEING SELFISH INCONSIDERATE SPINELESS BRATTY CRYBABIES LIKE SHE IS!

Some people call her a Mary Sue, but for me, I call her a SPINELESS CRYBABY. I have to say all those things because I just can't stand her anymore.

EDIT 7/23/24:

I changed and expanded my reasons why I loathe Charlie Morningstar so much.

EDIT 7/24/2024:

I expanded more reasons why I loathe Charlie so much since I rushed it last night.

EDIT 7/26/2024:

I explained why I hate seeing women being spineless crybabies.

EDIT 8/06/2024:

I crossed out "narcissistic" because I was pretty harsh on Mei. She's only a teenager who still has a lot to learn after all.

[beanghostprincess]

Rayleigh explains to tiny Shanks and Buggy what Valentine's Day is because Roger won't stop running around the ship saying he doesn't know what to get Rouge as a gift (they've been like this for a long time and they've lost count of how many islands they've visited in such a short time already).

So the man, of course, tells them it's a day in which you give presents or just celebrate your love with the people you care about the most... Mostly in a romantic way, but when they were very little and very close, Shanks and Buggy instantly went "We like each other!!" and ever since they've been giving each other presents for Valentine's Day, even if it's meant to be in just a platonic way.

The thing is-- They grow up together, and of course, they develop feelings for each other that are beyond what friendship. And suddenly Valentine's Day has a new entire meaning. Buggy comes to the conclusion, at the age of 13, that they're too old to be doing this with each other when they should be doing it with their crushes. Which they don't have. Because they're quite literally the only ones of their age on that ship. But whatever- Shanks is devastated. He accepts and goes with the typical "Yeah, of course. Pffft. I'll just save all my romantic ideas for a girl--" but he doesn't want any girl. He wants Buggy. And he has known that for a long time.

So fuck it. He's impulsive and it's dumb and he wants to show Buggy how much he means to him as more than just a friend. At 13, he uses the "I had already bought you a gift before you complained about this" excuse, and at 14 Shanks just says he had forgotten about not doing it. Old habits die hard. But then they're 15, and they're alone and the crew disbanded but at least they're alone together. And Shanks has this constant fear of Buggy leaving him too the way the rest of the crew did, so he doesn't give him anything. He had something planned because of course he had. But he keeps it to himself this once.

What he doesn't know is that Buggy is actually waiting for him to give him something. He's proud and stubborn and he would never admit it, but he regrets complaining about Valentine's Day now that Shanks doesn't want to officially celebrate it with him anymore. He tells himself he doesn't care. He doesn't give a fuck if Shanks doesn't want to give him a stupid present. He doesn't care if Shanks has forgotten about it. But the thought of Shanks celebrating this day with somebody else makes him unable to concentrate for the whole week. He wants to throw up.

But it's killing Shanks. It's eating him alive. So he swears he will confess his love and will give him a proper Valentine's Day gift next year. Next year. He only needs to wait. And Buggy promises to himself that if this happens- That if Shanks gives him something. Anything. Any hint from the universe that Shanks wants to be with him. He'll say yes. They've lost too much for them to then separate again.

Soon enough, Roger dies. Before Valentine's Day and before they can say anything. Before Buggy can fix whatever is wrong with him and his jealousy and rage toward Shanks. Before Shanks can act upon the feelings he's been forever keeping to himself. An 'I love you' rests on the tip of Shanks' tongue while he watches Buggy running away from him, and it stays there for years and years, patiently waiting for the next time they see each other again. Because it's the first thing he'll say to the clown.

But he doesn't save it until they see each other again. No. It's much sooner than he expected and a bit too late, too, to hope for an answer. Shanks loses his arm for the future generation and realizes how fragile life is and how little time he could have left if something went south. So he writes Buggy a letter (that nobody but him would understand because he's not writing precisely with his good hand) and attached to him there's this music box. It seems like a silly present. A dumb, childlike thing that no adult would appreciate. But Buggy grew fond of it when they walked through several stores with Gaban one day, and he didn't have enough money for it so he kept whining about it the whole week. Shanks had... All of his money left. He wanted to buy himself more chocolate, but he guessed a music box was alright too. It would be Buggy's, but since they're always together it would be his too, anyway, right?

They're not together anymore and Shanks can't see Buggy's face when he receives the gift. He can't hear the music box, either. But he guesses it had always been just for Buggy, at the end of the day, so he doesn't care. He just wishes Buggy had responded to it somehow because there's never any sound at the end of the line when he tries to call him and Buggy never responds to his letters either.

To this day, though, the music box rests on one of Buggy's most precious treasure chests that not even Alvida or Cross Guild can come close to, next to a bunch of letters he has carefully kept over the years. Shanks never knows if Buggy receives his gifts, but he keeps sending letters anyway. And Buggy refuses to respond to them, hoping Shanks will keep sending them nevertheless.

[cacoetheswriting]

pearl: june & july 1985

pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader word count: 4.5k chapter summary: reunions aren't always happy on the first try.

content warnings: best friends to lovers, slow burn, mutual pining, adult language & mature themes, stubborn idiots in love, quite angsty, a little fluff, mentions of the upside down / blood / character death / loss of a parent, grief and grief management, emotional hurt / comfort, self-doubt / insecurities, mentions recreational drug use, use of pet names - if i missed anything, pls let me know!

pearl masterlist

June 20, 1985 

With another failed senior year behind his belt, Eddie was feeling mighty sorry for himself.

He really banged on graduating this year so he could leave Hawkins behind forever, along with all the memories he had associated with this place.

Memories of you.

His grip on reality was slipping and this time it wasn’t because of the weed.

Yeah, he smoked the devils lettuce more over the last six months than ever before, but that’s not what had him tripping. You did, or rather the memory of you and how badly he fucked everything up before last Christmas.

Starcourt Mall had quickly become the only place in Hawkins not tainted by the memory of you.

Eddie didn’t like coming here, it was too colourful, too cheerful. On afternoons like this though, when he found himself reaching for Pearl and the scarf you left behind, Starcourt Mall was exactly where he needed to be.

Turns out that, unfortunately, the universe had other plans. Apparently it didn’t want him to escape this literal hell that’s been seeing you everywhere he went, or hearing the sweet sound of your voice in every possible surrounding. Apparently the universe didn’t want Eddie to forget you despite his desperate need to.

A belief affirmed when Eddie walked by the food court.

“Freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose. Nothin', don't mean nothin' hon' if it ain't free.”

What the fuck— he froze in his spot, just outside Scoops Ahoy. At the end of the locale, behind the till, was the girl he'd been desperately trying to get over, and right next to you, singing his own terrible rendition of Me and Bobby McGee was fucking Steve Harrington.

Eddie's jaw clenched instinctually and his fingers balled into fists at the sight in front of him. Fury began to burn through his veins as you tilted your head back in laughter at Steve dancing around you, holding an ice-cream scooper in front of his face like a microphone.

Not only were you back in Hawkins and the metalhead somehow didn’t know, you were also hanging around Steve the Hair Harrington, singing a song deemed to be only yours and Eddie’s.

Back in December, when you two saw each other last, you gave Eddie shit for lending a tape of what you yourself declared to be the album that’s defined your friendship. Even though the underlying subject of that argument was larger than the tape in question, looking at you now, Eddie was hurt. 

Yeah, it was mostly his fault you weren’t friends anymore, he knew that. But despite his shitty behaviour towards you, this was a stab in the back 'cause you were twirling around Harrington, singing along, “Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee”, as if nothing you shared with the metalhead mattered.

Eddie observes as you playfully slapped Steve’s chest, the biggest smile gracing your features. He didn’t realise just how much he missed seeing your smile until this moment, and every fibre of his being ached because he wasn’t the reason for your happy reactions anymore.

Time seems to have come to a standstill.

He's not sure how long he's stood there shamelessly staring, but whatever spell he found himself under is broken when a group of kids runs past him. In that same moment, you disappear into the back of Scoops Ahoy and Eddie knows he doesn't have long before you return so he hurries inside — maybe Harrington can give him some answers.

“Ahoy, how can I help you today?” Steve announces excitedly when Eddie approaches, however, the playful charade is just that, a charade. The second the metalhead stop at the till, Steve leans in close and grumbles, “She doesn’t wanna see you, man. Either get some ice-cream or get lost.”

“How do you know I’m here for her?” Eddie scoffs, trying to play tough.

Harrington rolls his eyes. “Dude, you’re not fooling anyone. I freaking saw you standing out there for the last fifteen minutes, eyeing her like she’s some prize you can never win.”

The sigh that escapes Eddie's lips is defeated.

“Look man, I’m not here to cause a scene, okay? I just wanna know how long she’s been back in Hawkins.”

“And then you’ll leave?” Steve sounds sceptical but Eddie nods 'cause regardless of what the King of Hawkins may think, Eddie really wasn’t in the mood for some big confrontation.

“Okay dude, okay. Ehm… I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but she dropped out of college in early March and was back here about a month later so… guess the answer you are looking for is April.”

April. You've been at Eddie’s fingertips for the guts of three months and he didn’t have a clue. How the hell did you manage to steer clear of him for this long? Hawkins isn’t that big of a town.

“Now, are you getting a scoop or—”

“Nah man, I’m going.” Eddie mutters and shoots Steve a weak smile. “Thanks, eh… I appreciate you being honest with me. I don’t know what she told you—”

“Munson, whatever went down between the two of you is none of my business. All I know is she made it quite clear she didn’t want to see you and as her friend, I owe her to see that request through.”

Sliding his hands into the pockets of his jacket, Eddie chews down on his bottom lip.

“Yeah, I get it. See you around, Harrington.”

Dropping his head, Eddie's exit is just as quick as his entrance. He does make one more mistake though. He decides to look back at the till. Not really because he thought he’d see you again, but that’s exactly what happened. You're at Steve’s side again, only this time your attention is elsewhere.

You are looking right at Eddie, a perplexed expression on your face.

The metalhead lifts his hand and waves at you rather awkwardly. To his surprise, you do the same. The action, albeit small, is enough to ignite a glimmer of hope within the curly-haired boy. One that's quickly squashed by a feeling of resentment and he heads in the direction of the exit as you follow him with your longing gaze.

“You said you didn't wanna talk to him,” Steve defends his actions for shooing Eddie away.

“I know.”

Over the last couple of months, Steve Harrington had become your knight in shining armour.

Ever since Christmas of 1984, he’d been at your beck and call, from driving down to see you every other weekend while you were still at college, to helping you with various basic chores for your mom. 

You weren’t quite best friends, but you were inseparable. Steve made moving back to Hawkins easier. He was actually the first person you told about your decision to drop out and the boy couldn’t have been more supportive. He even came with you to convince your mom this was for the best — although, it was not like she needed much convincing because ever since your dad passed… well, she hasn’t entirely been herself.

She is a big reason why coming home was the right thing to do. Your mom needed you now more than ever and you needed her just the same.

To say you hadn’t quite come to terms with your dad’s death would be a severe understatement. Yes, you learned how to cope with the day to day, and honestly, you were on the right path to fully allow yourself to feel all the emotions you'd been somewhat suppressing, but then you found out the truth.

Back in February, you came to visit your mom for her birthday. At first, she didn’t want anything extravagant, but after bumping into Karen Wheeler at the store, your mom decided that company is perhaps exactly what she needed. “The house has been so empty since your dad’s funeral,” were her exact words.

That’s how you ended up sitting in the garden on the snow-covered patio furniture with Steve and a bunch of kids he swore he didn’t babysit.

You don’t exactly remember who let the word Demodog slip first — Steve thinks it’s Dustin because apparently that boy can never keep his mouth shut. Once you noticed the horrified look on all of their faces, you knew it was a word you weren't supposed to hear.

After much nagging and borderline blackmailing, you came to learn a lot more than you had bargained for: the Upside Down, Jane’s real identity, Eleven, along with her crazy superpowers, and most importantly, the events that transpired at Hawkins Lab in November 1984 leading to how your dad really died.

By the time you had gone back to college, the scary creatures those kids described had invaded your dreams. You weren't eating, you weren't sleeping. You basically forgot how to function. Your grades began to slip and it didn’t take long for your to realise you no longer felt a passion towards American Literature.

Although being back in Hawkins terrified you, being around your mom, seeing you smile for the first time since November, and being around Steve, cleared the dark fog that had formed within you. By the time summer had come around, you were genuinely happy again.

That feeling lasted until today.

The second your gaze landed on a leather clad frame with a set of curly brown locks, your heart stopped. A certain melancholy overcame you as his doe-eyes locked with yours. He waved awkwardly and when you lifted your hand to do the same, you realised you haven't been completely happy.

There was an Eddie shaped hole in your heart. It’s been there since your last conversation in December, if not earlier, the funeral perhaps. You just subconsciously decided not to address it.

You watch him hurry away and something inside of you snaps, or maybe it clicks into place. Either way, before Steve can do anything to stop you, you rush out of Scoops Ahoy and in the direction Eddie disappears in. 

He’s not hard to spot in the crowd. His dark attire is easily noticeable amongst all the neon of other Starcourt Mall goers. You debate calling his name, but then again you don’t really want to talk to him with so many people around. Your first conversation since December should be somewhere more private — especially since you're not sure exactly what you want to say. 

Once outside however, you're forced to make a brisk decision.

“Eddie?”

The sound of his name causes him to halt. He slowly spins on his heel and the two of you are now standing face to face, only an arms length apart, for the first time in months.

“I thought you didn’t want to see me,” his tone is surprisingly harsh, “Or did Harrington lie to me?”

“Well, I-I…” you inhale, fidgeting with your work uniform. “N-no, Steve didn’t lie. But then I saw you anyway, outside the shop, and I-I… well, I don’t know exactly.”

The metalhead is agitated. You can tell by the way he runs a hand down his face before crossing his arms across his chest.

You begin to panic.

How stupid of you to run after him like some pathetic school girl in love. How stupid of you to think even for a second you could have a normal conversation considering how badly the last one ended — “Perhaps space is exactly what we need,” the argument is now ringing in you ears, “We clearly forgot how to be there for one another.”.

“Forget it,” you mutter, “I don’t know why I followed you out here.”

You're about to walk back inside when suddenly Eddie’s hand is holding onto your forearm, preventing you from going anywhere. Your shocked gaze shifts to his grasp on you and the feeling of his skin on yours sends a shiver down your spine.

After a split-second, you nervously lift your eyes to meet his.

“Why didn’t you tell me you came home?”

There’s a sense of urgency in his question. Urgency and a hint of betrayal. You hesitate to answer as there are a number of different scenarios running laps across your mind. All you are certain of is you won’t be made to feel guilty for this decision.

“Are you forgetting you’re the one that said we needed space from each other?” You bite back, snatching your hand free from his strong grip. “I’m giving you what you asked for, Eddie. What more can you possibly want from me?”

“Your behaviour is fucking confusing!” Eddie yells, earning the two of you some rather questionable looks from other patrons of Starcourt Mall. He’s quick to notice the odd glances and composes himself briskly while taking a step towards you.

“I’m supportive, you’re agitated and then ignore me. I try to give you room to breathe, you give me shit for being a bad friend. I stand up for my own feelings, it’s wrong. I tell you what you want to hear, I agree about spending time apart, and you follow me out here only to be a bitch. I’ve done everything you wanted these last few months and you continue to give me a hard time.” Eddie exhales sharply then continues, “Okay, I get it, perhaps you were staying true to our promise by not telling me you were back in Hawkins, but if you really didn’t want to see me, why the fuck did you follow me out here?”

“You actually think time apart is what I wanted?” You ask, focusing on that part of his speech.

Eddie nods, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and your lips part slightly in shock.

“I never wanted this. I never wanted to be away from you for this long. If you took the time to read the letters I left you, you would fucking know that!” You jab your finger into his chest with all the power you can muster.

He grabs your finger, squeezing it. “I kissed you and you fucking froze me out,” he practically hisses, though the pain in his eyes betrays his angered front “And you're apparently dating Harrington now so fuck me, I guess, for thinking you felt something too.”

“This is pathetic, Eddie. I can’t believe you.”

He opens his mouth for a rebuttal, but he never gets the chance to say anything because you're both interrupted.

“There you are!” Robin hails your attention and Eddie drops his hold on you immediately. “Steve said something about finding you? Can you believe that guy? I literally just got in for my shift and he has me running around the whole mall as if he doesn’t finish work in ten minutes—” She stops, glancing between you and the metalhead.

“Everything okay?” Robin asks.

“Yeah,” you reply, perhaps a little too quickly, “We were just catching up.”

You can tell she doesn’t entirely believe you and honestly you couldn’t blame her since you and Eddie didn’t necessarily display the body language of two people having a friendly talk. But Robin doesn’t say anything to point out the stiff dynamic. Instead, she links her arm with yours and starts to slowly pull you away from the curly-haired boy.

“Is your mom still making bolognese tonight? Do you think she’d mind if I crashed your dinner? I love pasta.” Robin babbles while you shoot Eddie one last look. He dips his head, avoiding your gaze, and begins to trek in the other direction, assumingly towards his van.

Your heart is aching as you watch him go. Once again you are victims of poor communication and seriously bad timing.

July 4, 1985

Holidays really aren’t Eddie's thing.

Even growing up he thought the Easter Bunny was dumb, Halloween just a little too childish, and the magic of Christmas purely designed for people with big happy families — something he wasn’t privy too.

That all changed when you waltzed into his life.

Eddie was quickly fascinated by how you easily made every single holiday special in some way, even the really obscure ones like National Pizza Day, or National Cat Day. By simply being yourself, you made these celebrations fun and unique.

4th of July in particular had become Eddie’s favourite.

Every year, the two of you would enjoy a barbecue at your parents house, Wayne would be invited too. Everyone would watch the firework display from the backyard, and then you and Eddie would leave to camp out by Skull Rock.

The night was usually sleepless. You’d smoke, exchange ghost stories, and fill your stomachs with junk food you had previously taken from your parents' press.

Last 4th July, Eddie almost told you he had feelings for you.

This year, you wanted nothing to do with him.

Wallowing in his own self-pity, Eddie decided to spend this 4th of July in bed. He stocked up on soda and snacks, and planned on getting so high, he would think the fireworks were aliens coming to abduct him. 

He had just about cracked his window open to allow for minimal ventilation during the night, when someone started banging on his door. Uncle Wayne enters moments later, the expression on his face is one of horror, but then also relief and Eddie's stomach twists into a knot.

“Oh thank heavens you’re here, boy.” Wayne exhales.

“Where else would I be?” Eddie questions, slowly crossing his room.

Wayne waves his hand dismissively and turns on his heel, walking away from his curly-haired nephew. A huff escapes Eddie's lips when he's forced to follow.

“Where else would I be?” He repeats.

“Doesn’t matter, kid. Just glad you’re safe.”

“Come on, Wayne. Don’t be like that.” Eddie probes, “You came running into my room as if something happened and now you just expect me to drop it?”

Uncle Wayne sighs. He’s facing his nephew now, hands on his hips. “Thought you’d be at Starcourt Mall for some reason. Glad you’re not is all.”

Eddie's brows furrow. “Starcourt Mall? What’s happening at Starcourt Mall?”

'Cause he's not at Starcourt Mall, but someone he knows, and despite everything, someone he still cares for quite deeply, most likely is. His insides fill with dread. Judging by his uncles behaviour, something bad has happened and Eddie can’t just stand here knowing he could do more, knowing he could at least try to see you.

So he doesn't waste any more time, running back to his room to throw on a pair of disheveled sneakers, before pushing past Wayne to get to the front door.

“Where are you going?”

“Starcourt Mall.”

“Eddie—”

“She could be there,” is all Eddie says. It’s all Wayne needs to hear. He throws his nephew the keys to the van and Eddie hurries outside.

The entire drive to the shopping centre, Eddie is feeling frantic. He still has no idea what happened, but his entire body is shaking. Even though you and him aren’t exactly on the best of terms, at this moment in time, you are everything to him. The mere thought of losing— no, he can’t be focused on the bad things right now.

Unfortunately, he’s right to be scared.

Chaos unfolds in front of Eddie’s eyes the closer he gets to Starcourt Mall. It seems the entire fire department has passed him on the way and as he turns the corner, he knows exactly why.

Bright orange flames engulfed the entirety of the venue. Eddie has never witnessed a fire of this extent, but he is smart enough to know the probability of someone making it out alive are quite slim. All he can do now is hope you weren't inside when the fire started. All he can do is hope he can find you amongst the crowd gathered in the parking lot, before rushing to your house just in case you’ve been there all along. Safe.

He parks the van as close as he can and sneaks under the police tape when no one is looking. There is so much going on, Eddie isn’t sure where to focus his attention. People screaming, children crying, first responders running up and down. His heart is in his throat while he looks around like a headless chicken, feeling frantic.

Suddenly, there’s an arm on his shoulder and he panics some more, thinking he got busted, though when he shifts in his spot to meet whoever has grabbed him, he feels relief.

“Dude,” Harrington drops his hold on the metalhead, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Even under the night sky, Eddie can see the brunette boy looks rough. Judging by the red-ish bruises on his face, whatever happened to him, had nothing to do with the fire. But Eddie doesn’t care about that right now. There is only one person on his mind.

“Where is she?”

Steve knows exactly who Eddie's asking for and he’s kind enough not to put up a fight. Instead, he points in the direction of an ambulance closest to the burning mall.

-

You had never been more scared in your life.

Stories of the Upside Down had haunted you ever since you found out about the other world under Hawkins, but they had been just that, stories. Then a couple of days ago Dustin showed up at Scoops Ahoy with some Russian code and things quickly evolved from there.

You were convinced you were going to die when the Russians took you, Robin, and Steve as prisoners. You were convinced you were going to die when they chased you around the mall. You were convinced you were going to die when Billy showed up out of nowhere, followed closely by what the kids called a Mind Flayer.

Despite all of the events from the last few days, by some heavenly miracle and thanks to a lot of dumb luck, you survived.

Well, most of you.

Your eyes dart to Max. She’s resting her head on Lucas’ shoulder, patiently waiting for her mom to arrive on the scene. You swallow thickly at the memory of the young girl screaming over Billy’s lifeless body. You can feel her pain. You can feel all of their pain.

Especially Eleven’s. 

Your focus shifts to the girl that saved you all. She’s wrapped up in a police blanket, Mike and Will by her side. She seems frozen. The boys are trying to talk to her, but she’s blanking them out completely. It’s not until Joyce approaches that the young brunette displays some sort of emotion. Throwing her arms around the woman’s neck, you can see her start to cry. No girl deserves to lose her dad. Especially not the way she did. You unfortunately had that in common now.

Sliding your arms into the jacket you were given by one of the fire fighters, you stand, about to walk towards Eleven. You're thinking you can hug her. Tell her you're here for her 'cause there’s nothing that brings people closer than shared trauma. But before you can do any of that, someone steps in front of you, blocking your view.

You lift your gaze.

“Jesus Christ, I’m so glad you’re okay.” Eddie breathes.

In a flash, his arms are wrapped around your waist. You return the hug instantly, squeezing him tight while your fingertips tangle themselves in his bouncy curls. You take a moment to inhale his musky scent. The thought of why he’s here crosses your mind, but you shove past it because at the end of the day, you’re simply glad he is.

The two of you couldn’t possibly be any closer, yet you're tugging at each other’s clothes and limbs as if you were trying to become one. His ring-clad fingers are digging into your flesh while you push your body further into his chest. You can feel his heart beating against you and you're convinced he can feel yours too.

“Fuck, princess, you have no idea…” he whispers in your ear, the remainder of his sentence fading into the night. “I thought I lost you. For real.”

“I’m right here,” you murmur into his hair. You didn’t entirely feel like yourself, understandably so, but you knew in your soul Eddie needed to hear those words.

He pulls back slightly and gently cups your face in his hands. “I don’t know about you, but pretending to hate you has been absolutely exhausting.”

The admission lingers in the air between you, causing a smile to tug at your lips.

“I missed you so much, princess.”

“I missed you too, Eds.”

Corners of his mouth also tip upwards into a timid smile He proceeds to take in a deep breath, his thumbs caressing along your jawline. 

“I-I read your letters,” he admits then lets out a soft chuckle, “Actually, full transparency, I re-read them maybe fifty-six times, if not more.”

Your own smile grows wider ‘cause suddenly everything feels okay again.

“You’re bluffing.”

Eddie proceeds to lift one hand. “Cross my heart,” he says, mimicking his words.

“Those letters are all I have— had of you. I know I acted quite unfairly considering everything you were going through. I know I said some harsh things. Those letters you left me, they made me realise just how much I need you in my life and I should have told you that the last time we stood in this parking lot, if not sooner. I’m sorry, princess,” he pauses, “For everything.”

“I’m sorry too, Eddie.” You express, “I’ve been acting really selfishly since, and even at the funeral.”

But he shakes his head and intertwines his fingers with yours.

“Sweetheart, you have every damn right to be selfish. Losing someone important to you like that… Hell, if I lost you, I would probably burn this whole town to the ground in my grief.”

He grimaces and briefly looks around. “Sorry. Burn is probably the wrong choice of words in this instance, but you get my point.”

The chuckle that escapes your lips is soft.

“It’s okay, Eddie. I-I.. I’m just really glad you came, that you’re here. Suddenly this whole thing doesn’t seem so bad anymore.”

“And I’m glad you’re okay, “ he states and hugs you again, placing a delicate kiss on your crown.

The two of you stand there for a moment, embracing one another. Your hands have since moved to his back, under his black t-shirt. The feeling of his soft skin under your palms is so soothing, you almost forget where you are and the circumstances surrounding your situation.

It’s damn near perfect, hiding from the world in his embrace. And you think perhaps you love him more than before, if that’s even possible considering how much time you spent apart.

“Can I ask you one more thing?” Eddie asks, breaking the spell as well as the hug. He pulls back although his hold on you doesn’t end because he takes your hand.

“Anything.”

The metalhead nervously scratches the back of his neck.

“This is really stupid and it’s seriously not the time to be asking you this, but I just gotta know. Shit. Did you mean what you said in those letters? What you wrote about me?”

You suck in your bottom lip between your teeth. Eddie senses your apprehension because he’s quick to add, “It’s no big deal. I-I was just curious.”

Squeezing his hand, you exhale softly.

“Every word, Eds.”

Eddie fails to conceal a smile. He swings an arm around your shoulder, hand still holding your own, and as the two of you wander back towards his van, you know for sure your feelings for him have only grown stronger — despite everything that’s happened.

You love him with every fibre of your being, though that’ll continue to remain unspoken, for now.

The crossed out lines on your unsent letters being the only tangible proof.

pearl masterlist | main masterlist

& tagging some cool people that expressed interest in this lil series: @cactusangie , @spenciesprincess , @capitanostella , @ashlynnkennedy , @ms1oftheboys

[bigforeheadbaddie]

Fiona Apple when she has to opt out of performing for personal reasons:

“It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet.

I am writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog Janet, and she's been ill for almost two years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now.I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then ,an adult officially – and she was my child.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight ,or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact.

We've lived in numerous houses, and jumped a few make shift families, but it's always really been the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and to excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all of this, she's effortlessly joyful and playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago.

She's my best friend and my mother and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now.

When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know that she is coming close to point where she will stop being a dog, and instead, be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand.

If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to pick which socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us.

I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship.

I am the woman who stays home and bakes Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend.

And helps her be comfortable, and comforted, and safe, and important.

Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone.

I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.

I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel.

And I am asking for your blessing.I'll be seeing you.

Love, Fiona”

———————————————————————

Chappell Roan when she gets flamed on the internet for claiming to have done her research and then promptly mispronounces the current Vice President’s (very simple) name:

[redwinterroses]

Red, you’re an adult, how do you force yourself to grow up without driving yourself mad? Or is it just something you have to do, go mad?

h'ooof that is quite a question.

a) Yeah. Go mad. Just a little. Because part of being an adult is realizing that it's okay to be weird, and it's okay to not have all the answers, and it's okay to fail, and it's okay to not be able to change the world on your own. We're all mad here... which means none of us are. ;)

b) Don't force yourself to "grow up." It's more that you don't keep yourself from maturing -- you don't hold back from learning, and expanding, and becoming more empathetic, and more willing to listen to viewpoints you don't understand or agree with, and taking responsibility for yourself, and turning into the sort of person you want to be... But don't focus on it in terms of "growing up." None of us know what that means -- my grandmother is 72 and she told me the other day that she still doesn't feel "grown up." It's a myth. Focus on growing into the things you want to see in the world, not growing up into some imagined Final Form.

c) Growing up is a thing that happens to you. You won't notice it happening, most times. Sure, some days there are big growth spurts -- learning to cope with the loss of a loved one. Getting fired for the first time. Figuring out rent payments or opening a credit card. Taxes. Moving cross country to a place where you don't know anyone. Those are all big "growing up" things that happen to you, and you see them happen. You have to just take them, the same way you have to eat vegetables: it's part of life. But most "growing up" is... realizing it's been six months since the last time you panicked about someone not liking you. Noticing you can't remember the last time you thought about that one negative thing that seemed like it filled your world a year ago. Checking the calendar and seeing that you've been friends with someone for a decade. Not even noticing how you don't have to struggle to figure out taxes anymore. Doing the dishes because you like to have a clean kitchen, not because someone made you do them. Choosing to eat healthy, and enjoying it. Arguing with someone and being okay with being wrong. Or staying friends with someone you disagree with about something important, because people are more important than positions. Growing up is looking at the tree you planted when you were nine and realizing that, without you noticing it changing, it's now taller than your parents' house.

d) Growing up means building a support system. People who care about you, and what happens to you. People who can call you out when you're about to do something stupid. People who will show up for you when you're going through something. It doesn't have to be many, and they don't even necessarily have to be people you see in person. They can be family, or friends, romantic partners, online friends, pen pals, a religious group, a quilting circle, a stamp collecting club. You invest in their lives, you care about them, you show up for them... and it comes back when you need it. Our current moment in history is hallmarked with loneliness, and it can literally kill -- but part of growing up is realizing that real friendships don't just appear when two people happen to be on the playground together... At least, not past the age of twelve. Support systems take work, and they take effort, and it sucks, but you need it and other people need you. Humans need each other -- even the most introverted amongst us.

e) Care less. But also care more. Care less about what people think of your clothes or your voice or the way you snort-laugh at puns. And the hard one: care less about people being cruel. Care more about counteracting the cruelty. Care less about the person saying hateful things, and more about the people they're saying it to. Care more about picking other people up, and about delighting in the world around you. Look out your window at a traffic stop and care about the clover flower growing in the median -- you might be the only human who ever actually sees it. Isn't that magical? Care more about being kind. Care about justice. Care about rest. Care about the soft things of the world that need protecting. Care about yourself. Care about the people around you. Care about surrounding yourself with people who care back. I guess: learn to budget how you care, and don't spend too much care on things that will harm you.

d) Don't sweat it. ;) Really. People have been figuring this out for hundreds of hundreds of generations. None of it's new. The fear, the uncertainty, the passion, the love, the hope, the confusion... Your great, great, great grandparents felt those things to. Maybe about different specifics, but the emotions are the same. And you're not the only one figuring it out now. We're all on this big stupid blue rock together. Drink some water, breathe deep, and take just the next step forward.

(There's nothing new under the sun: If, by Rudyard Kipling is one of my favorite poems that says all of this but better.)

[evillex11]

might get flamed 4 this but comments like “gege is just killing everybody now, gege needs to stop cooking, gege doesn't know what he's doing, etc.) r getting annoying ngl like they're posting that on every chapter no matter what happens 😭 and it's fine to criticize something obviously that can't be avoided but these empty comments that provide no actual/meaningful input into the criticism is just so redundant 💀

+1. these kinds of comments kinda encourage the disrespect gege receives... cuz they leave these kinds of comments everywhere to the point where it's pretty icky. and not much ppl bat an eye cuz some might think it's all lighthearted or normal when rlly, it's getting a bit too far. like there's ppl who r genuinely saying he deserves to get sick n stuff?? bc he kiiled ur favorite character?? bc u don't like the manga??? 😭wtaf

+2. y'all have something to say when a character “has plot armor” and y'all still yap when a character doesn't... so rlly there's no winning 💀and I, personally, don't think jjk is meant to be one of those “defeat evil with the power of friendship” shows,,, mind you, they are going up against a supernatural being who's named the king of curses and is known to be impossible to beat—of course that 17 year old ain't gonna beat his ass just cuz everyone's counting on them??? nor will that adult who's never encountered a being that strong before. it feels kinda corny saying this but the outcomes of the battles in jjk are a bit more realistic ... “gege's just killing everybody now” obviously they're going to die???? they're going against a power beyond them what do you expect 😭 i get that it's a fictional show but the characters are still humans ... even with their cursed techniques and weapons, they're not always gonna survive ... not every plan or tactic of theirs r gonna work or turn out the way they expected

+ they're at a war with something rlly powerful so ofc they're gonna fire every shot they have which, in this case, are their comrades

+ it has been addressed by the show/series itself that jujutsu tech lacks the manpower to protect everybody, this is literally part of geto's reasoning for his actions—he knows he and/or his fellow sorcerers r bound to end up with a pile of their colleagues' bodies bc there arent much sorcerers in the world esp ones that could survive for a v long time. if a character is aware of this, that means gege is as well bc he literally wrote him to think about that

+3. if u hate the writing so much JUST DROP IT 🤯 crazy idea, never been thought of before, I know !! but some comments rlly are not necessary.... just stop reading if u can't take it anymore... no one is forcing you to read it. and if u feel compelled to cuz u already read so much, then don't leave harmful comments towards gege?? it's so easy to stfu and be a decent person on the internet 😭 you're contributing nothing by leaving comments like that under someone's work. if u hate how it's going so much then go make an au and satisfy urself. it's just so unnecessary

+4. idek if gege gets paid enough to deal with reader's bs ... people need to remember these mangakas are also people with real lives who are just trying to live and get by. some authors rlly get dehumanized just bc of the art they make

idc if I get called a dickrider,, as an artist myself I'm just so annoyed I'm sawry 😓😓 drawing and writing takes a lot of work.. I get concerned abt gege's well-being when the quality drops a little in the manga. maybe they're seeing something that I'm not, that's why they leave comments like that. maybe I got something wrong too, I'd like to be enlightened if that's the case /gen

[chaifootsteps]

Armchair Psychology Anon here (not a real psych just see patterns)

I've been lurking around in that Discord server and just read the ask about how Stolas is Viv. How she pays a lot of money to see Broadway stars then keeps getting closer and closer to them. How she wants to take them away and talk to them about "her books" (her ideas and projects)

Perhaps Stolas as a child is actually her most vulnerable thoughts and feelings about herself. A lonely, sad rich kid who didn't have many or any, true friends outside of her relatives.

That... that might be true. Even if Viv is writing that subconsciously, what does Stolas say to keep Blitz around the first time?

"The one who wants me, is my first ever friend!"

Remember how I speculated that Viv is incapable of maintaining real friendships with people? That she has to lovebomb them over and over until she doesn't have to keep trying anymore?

It's actually really sad the deeper you dig into the shows psyche.

I've also been watching more interviews with Brandon, and Blitz is basically Brandon. (Seeing Stars literally just confirms Blitz is an impsona of himself). He also says "Imps are the lowest of the low but he's really trying to make something out of himself." Which Brandon said he relates to a lot (See his Class Acts poster).

Brandon also looks a lot happier at this anime con they're at right now because... could it be because Vivs not around?

If Stolas is Viv's self insert (especially since she goes out of her way to like tweets saying Blitz is the one who could've stopped at any time, and Stolas is the victim), and there's jokes about her having dick envy, as well as her blatant fetishisizing of gay male relationships...

Chai, I really think Blitz x Stolas is her way of Brandon x Viv.

It's possible she also sees herself as Ozzie, and guess who plays Fizz? As well as Adam, and Pen?

(Less evidence for that, but Ozzie is also rich and powerful).

I know she knows Brandon is gay. Obviously. But... she created a rich, sad, powerful male character to be hopelessly in love with someone who clearly is uncomfortable with him. And they obivously butted heads about it. Brandon certainly seemed uncomfortable at the anime panel where she was saying, "They'd make a cute couple..."

And maybe she's not attracted to Brandon necessarily, but obviously maybe wants to be a man in a gay relationship. But she is transphobic of transmen, so she'll never become what she hates.

I dunno Chai, it just keeps getting weirder and weirder the deeper you go....

I also think the lovebombing of Blake as of late is really creepy too. Especially the "cum" comment.

It feels like a grooming tactic. Older adults saying and slipping little "jokes" here and there to make the victim used to it... not mention the song is about "choking and dying of poison" at the hands of Angel's abusive rapist pimp.

Viv... she's very troubled. I feel very bad for Blake and Brandon as of late.

Michael and Ashley and others really dodged a bullet. Goose seems to be keeping Viv at a distance as well. I'm sure Goose knows everything M&A went through and it's a delicate situation for sure.

Armchair Psychology Anon, know that I'd happily watch a 12 hour, muti-part series centered around your Viv analyses. I really would.

[cressthebest]

Crimsons Rivers thoughts pt. 36

chapter 55:

1. kingsley is mad at lily and i GET IT i understand. but all those people are adults and CHOSE to go on the mission. it is not solely her fault

2. NOOOO!! sybil is so dear to me!! and kingsley broke up with her!!! no!!!!

3. god, i feel so bad for euphemia and fleamont. yeah victors were saved. but their children, their two children, were the only ones not brought back home. i don’t know how i would recover

4. “there was Narcissa, who wasn't just in the hunger games; no, she played the game, and she played it well, so well that Euphemia never doubted she would win.” yo that’s fucking terrifying. i-

5. andy and narcissa reuniting has me crying so hard. their sisterhood is so important to me

6. regulus doesn’t have sirius, so all he wants is james to comfort him. i- i can’t do this

7. “It's like this, that he turns to her, and Euphemia knows immediately, just that simply, that Sirius isn't here.

He isn't, because if he was, that's who Regulus would cling to; that's the only person he ever wanted to cling to.”

okay, um, simply stabbing my heart would have been easier

8. “They all knew only one could make it out, and Sirius wasn't going to be the one who did, except more than one has, and Sirius is the only one who didn't.” 😧😧😧

9. god i love dorcas. she is not lying to anyone they saved by saying there will be comforts, but she is saying they will be safe and everyone there will be kind. i love her so much

10. dorcas caring for marlene first >>>>>>>>>

11. LILY AND REMUS REUNITED!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! THEYRE REUNITED!!!!

12. oh shit. wait. that was too soon. before the lily and remus reunion, he hears her say that the absolute love of his life is probably dead

13. remus’ breakdown has me in shock. like i’m not even in tears anymore, i’m just shocked. i- this hurts too bad to even cry

14. “Lily does not know much, she doesn't know what Sirius was to Remus, but she does know for sure now that he was something.

Maybe, as much as she dreads to think it, he was everything.”

😀😀😀 you can’t write lines like that. that feels illegal, to mess with my emotions like that

15. i want someone to care for me the way dorcas cares for marlene. she starts a war early to save her life. she’s willing to kill anyone to keep her alive. she will do anything.

16. “"Perhaps if you had considered the impact of the lives you planned to shape into martyrs, you would have realized that this could happen, and would be no one's fault but your own. You put those people in the arena this year, Albus, didn't you tell me that? All the ready opposition to Riddle, and you couldn't foresee this? Opposition to you?"”

get his ass alberforth. 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

17. “In all his years, Aberforth has never seen a loyalty and love exist as the loyalty and love between those two boys do.”

this is so sweet if it weren’t for the context of the statement

18. 😀😀�� wow i hate albus

19. “They are at their best together when they are showing their worst to one another and basking in the relief of being next to someone they know won't really care, or have an opinion on it, or judge them.”

regulus and remus’ friendship >>>>>>>

20. as reg is literally beating lily up he’s like “i love her! she’s amazing! she’s my savior!! 😊😊 that’s why i must try to kill her!!!

21. “It was supposed to be me and you, but Sirius is gone. Come back to me, baby, Regulus thinks, but James is gone.” 😀😀 what a fantastic start to my day

22. lily should have had a gun in canon. this au only further proves that to me. the war would be so short is lily evans was given a gun and told to just go off and do what she wanted with it.

23. zar gave marylily hints in the authors notes ??? 👀👀 marylily??? 👀👀 marylily endgame?? 👀👀🌸🍓🎉

24. authors notes: “lily lily lily my beloved <3 she really was about to blow albus' skull open, soooo sexy of her 🥰” AGREED

25. also there’s 420 comments on that chapter and i don’t want to fuck with that number.

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

The friend finally randomly replied.... with the typical conversation occurring of

Me: *reaches out*

Her: *leaves on read for a few days then replies* I was distant because I thought you should reflect on your actions.

Me: What actions??

Her: The fact you dont even know is why I distanced.

Me: I'm sorry. You didnt tell me something upset you so how would I know? People dont always know something they do or say upsets you. Thats something you have to communicate so we can clear the air/work on it.

Her: Here we are again with you simply not knowing youre wrong. It's all here in our chat.

Me: You. Didnt. Tell. Me. But also it's in the chat? You mean the chat where I told you that you upset me with how you spoke to me? The chat where I bared my heart and mind about having pots and being neurodivergent? About how you treated my medical issues and mental struggles as character flaws instead of what they are, medical conditions? How you spoke to me in a very ableist manner repeatedly when I tried in vain to explain that I wasnt blowing you off xyz times because I didnt care but that because I was having flare ups in symptoms? THAT chat? Because you getting upset that I was honest with you about how you made me feel and why is your problem not mine.

You being a neurotypical, indirect, ableist, holier than thou, MEANIE, is your problem not mine. I was sitting here grieving the loss of a long-time friendship for 2 months because you couldn't be bothered to communicate with me like an adult. I literally do not understand people. I dont understand how you think the way you're treating me is totally okay. I was depressed as fuck but now I'm just more hurt and angry.

Angry that you refuse to accept that someone you were friends with for years decided to confide in you that they were autistic+adhd+pots. Officially verbalizing it. To you. And you just.... shut me out like I was trash. How fucking dare you. How absolutely fucking dare you.

I'm heartbroken, still. Which you don't deserve. I'll miss you terribly. Which you dont deserve. My kids will miss your kids, which is depressing for them as I have a total of 3 mom friends with kiddos their age which is now only 2 I guess. (Not including my new tumblr mom bestie who we havent actually chatted chatted cuz, I'm shy as fuck in the beginning of friendships. But I digress.)

I just.... I'm so hurt. I am so hurt. She doesn't.... even understand how hurtful she is and that's worse. Fucking ironic considering I communicate with her clearly about what upsets me and why and yet it simply doesnt sink in what I'm saying. She simply COULDNT be the reason I'm upset and hurt.

I can't even think anymore right now. This is too much. Honestly I was starting to accept the no contact and her replying with more ableist shit just reopened the wound.

[lara635kookie]

Ship Analysis let's go.

RedCrackle, CarmIvy and Carulia.

A lot of people tend to say "Carmen said a multiple times Gray is like a big brother to her" No, she only said it twice. And after the Opera in the Outback Caper she never says it again. Besides, while talking about this she says:

"I THOUGHT I KNEW you like the big brother I never had UNTIL THAT MOMENT."

"I know, but before he was Crackle he was Gray and Gray WAS like a big brother to me."

She uses the verbs on the PAST, as in NOT ANYMORE. BLACK SHEEP SAW HIM LIKE A BROTHER, NOT CARMEN SANDIEGO. And the same logic applies to Gray. His teenage self saw Black Sheep as a sister, but that's not how his adult self sees Carmen Sandiego. Gray only FLIRTED with her when he had lost his memories. But FLIRTING isn't the only way of showing love.

And I actually liked this aspect of the finale because you can choose who Carmen goes with or if she stays alone. But at the same time I am a romance sucker and Gray and her really felt to me like the most implied ship. They have too many parallels, more than Julia and Ivy combined. They are literally red and blue. And no, Julia isn't blue either. Julia never wore blue. Not even once. Her dress at TSONTS interactive special was black, like pretty much everything she ever used(The only exception I recall is that photo of her with her mother where she's wearing pink). And I have proof:

Of course people have different perspections of color but these circles are the colors I've seen Julia wearing. At least to my eye, Julia never wore one single shade of blue(as long as I can remember). Unlike Ivy. Girl has blue eyes, her shirt sleeves were blue and she wore a light blue with lilac dress to The Need of Speed Caper(I'm not sure if that's really the name of the episode but you know what episode it is, that one with Trey Sterling where a badass biker Carmen fights with Zack and Ivy because they messed up in stealing a super car and for arrested, we're introduced to The Mechanic and The Driver and yay found family has an official headquarters now).

The thing is, Carulia can have different interpretations to every single one of their interactions. You can see them as romantic or not. Meanwhile, with Red Crackle and Carmivy, the romance scenes are clearly romance scenes. I think Julia showed some little interest in Carmen, but Carmen never showed interest in Julia. And I'll tell you why:Carmen meets Julia on a train in India, to keep an eye on Paper Star, where we have the following dialogue.

Carmen:Is this seat taken? (Sits before having an answer)

Julia:Actually yes. But, feel free to use it, until my partner returns.

Carmen:Partner? (Looks to the side, to the other seat while the camera focus on a suitcase with the C.D initials)

Julia:(clears throat)Travel partner.

We see later on the episode that Carmen leaves the Magna Carta along with Devineaux's suitcase on the other seat she looked at. So I interpretate that Julia got it wrong what she meant and Carmen realized she was with Devineaux. Of course you can interpretate otherwise but here's the thing:Unlike Red Crackle and Carmivy, Carulia doesn't have any moment that is UNQUESTIONABLY romantic. You can always interpretate the Carulia moments as friendship or something else.

The fashion caper with the medicis dresses and hypnotized models, you can interpretate that Carmen was checking her out or analyzing her outfit to enter the runway. The Stockholm Syndrome Caper you can interpretate Julia was checking her out or she was really just concerned about Carmen freezing in the winter(which seemed more likely to me). Then Julia leaves A.C.M.E. and some people say she left because of Carmen. I definetely agree that's one of the reasons but we see that the main reason is because she wants to work more with history, her true passion. Where her heart was. And she wanted to leave because of Carmen not because she's in love with her but because she believes Carmen is good and the rest of A.C.M.E. doesn't and she doesn't want to chase someone who is doing good but as she already tried to convince people and wasn't heard, she left. Or because she doesn't understand Carmen's actions being so confusing, sometimes good, sometimes seem to be not so good so she was just sick of the mess and drama and wanted to comeback to just history which seemed to be so since when Devineaux goes to ask Julia if the "crimson ghost" was good Julia goes all like "that's a hard question to answer". At least that's my interpretation. And when Chief says something about A.C.M.E. stopping to chase Carmen and Julia goes like:"Or I'll have to retire/quit/leave all over again" it proves one of the reasons she left was Carmen, but doesn't go over the implications. It might be love, it might not be. It can be the things I stated before. Julia being "Carmen's favorite A.C.M.E. Agent" can be seen in a love light, but also in a friendship light. Julia saying "Who knew my two keen areas of interest would ever collide" which I interpretate as being closer to history and still doing super secret stuff but sure it can be Carmen. The thing is that the Carulia moments are never something SURE that only has romantic interpretation and nothing else. Carmen doesn't even show any signs of jealousy in hearing Julia is going to have lunch with Devineaux. And some people go like:She was jealous when Devineaux picks her phone. For me, seems unlikely. She could just be wondering why was Devineaux picking up her phone in her office and where Jules was, thinking Devineaux was being invasive like we know he can be sometimes. The way she partners up with Devineaux to save Julia, she would have done to save anybody else. And lastly, To Steal or Not to Steal. First having Julia to help is not even a canon event, since Carmen can save Zack and Ivy without it and then the final scene with Julia doesn't happen. Secondly, red roses definitely have romantic views but at the same time they are also a common symbol of respect. People throw them at stages, at ice skating rinks, etc, in a way of saying "Good Luck" or "Good Job", which is proven since Carmen also gives red roses to Lupe Peligro before her fight.

Some people might argue that they made Carulia that subtle to have casual representation for children in a way some parents won't complain. But you can make something less subtle but still discreet. Like Carmivy! Ivy clearly had a crush on Carmen, which Carmen seemed to reciprocate sometimes. Yes, Carmen's a flirt, but the way she looked at Ivy sometimes and smiled it was something else.

I think that what Carulia needed (besides romantic chemestry and more time to build better their relationship) is a huge moment in an episode that deepens the way they feel about one another. Like The Stockholm Syndrome Caper when Carmen is with her head on Ivy's lap, or the entirety of the chocolate factory girl's trip. Or something like the entirety of The Crackle Goes Kiwi Caper and the episode Carmen tries to rescue Gray from jail and V.I.L.E. takes him. And of course The Opera in the Outback Caper, serving both Red Crackle and Carmivy goodness. Carulia needed its own episode. When I think about The Crackle Goes Kiwi Caper my first thought it's "That's a Red Crackle episode". The same thing with Carmivy in the chocolate factory girls trip. Carulia tried to have an episode, that's when Carmen rescues her from Countess Cleo but the problem is:

1-It was the last ship episode. So they give us Carulia when we already had Red Crackle and Carmivy, who were already established first and had more developing. And it was also one of the very few last episodes so we don't see how Carulia goes from there because it doesn't have the time with such a rushed finale.

2-They didn't have "THE MOMENT". Red Crackle has "hang on tight, don't let go". Carmivy has "by Carmen Sandiego, who else?". And Carulia...?

3-They didn't have a date. Red Crackle had a coffee date, Carmivy had a fountain date(yes they were dates) and Carulia...?

I wonder how Carulia manages to, out of these three, be the ship with the least number of interactions and still feel like the most forgettable ship to me. I love both characters and their friendship but in a romantic scenario, I just don't see Carmen and Julia working. Carmen, to me seems like that kind of person that needs someone badass, who can keep up with her like Gray and Ivy, not a "cutie cutie lil bean wholesome smol uwu pie" like Julia. She may act as a badass sometimes but she's not a badass overall. Julia just seems like she would be that awkward flustered blushing mess when in love and for me, Carmen would go for someone who can be more comfortable around her, like we see she is definitely the case with Gray and Ivy.

For me, it's kinda like Carmen is Anthony Bridgerton, Julia is Edwina Sheffield/Sharma and Gray and Ivy would be Kate Sheffield/Sharma. Carmen might like Julia, but she still feels boring to Carmen.

Besides, Gray and Ivy also know Carmen for more time than Julia, what makes Carulia look, in my vision, superficial, shallow, artificial and forced. Gray, along with Shadowsan and Player, is the only person Carmen has since her past as Black Sheep and Ivy, along with Zack, were there at the very beginning of Carmen becoming The Carmen Sandiego. Compared to that, what does Julia know about Carmen? Romance requires a deeper connection, a bond Carmen clearly has with Gray and Ivy, that know her better and for a longer time. Compared to that, Julia barely knows a thing Carmen. Between a person you still have to build a bond with and one you already have that kind of bond with, it's a no-brainer who the best choice is. Really, I can't think of something Carmen and Julia have in common that has nothing to do with history. For a relationship to work you don't need to have everything in common, but you do need more than that. Just history isn't enough. And I can say that because my favorite subject in school is history(alongside with geography, english, philosophy and sociology)(I am a languages/humanities kind of person, fuck math and sciences). History may be enough for a friendship but not a romantic relationship. Besides, history and geography are things Carmen and Player bond more about and in a better way so having Carulia bond over the same thing just seems like it's nothing special and passes the idea that Carmen can bond with anyone as long as they like history and geography, that are intrinsically linked subjects, making Carulia feel, for me, even more basic than it already is. Not all ships need a complex storyline but it does add to it. Because Carmen and Ivy have that "strangers to teammates to friends to lovers" that has a lot of potential to it like one of them being in denial about having a crush on the other, fear that the other doesn't feel the same, fear of ruining their friendship, flirting accidentally, doing capers together with Zack making fun of them, having to put their feelings aside for the sake of the mission, Carmen can't truly open up about her feelings showing vulnerability, jealousy, etc.

And Red Crackle has that "acquaintances to class/roommates to friends to best friends to consideration siblings to enemies to strangers to friends to lovers to enemies to partners in crime to casually making out/hooking up without commitment during six months to enemies to strangers" vibe. The six months thing it's a headcanon but the way it's shown Carmen and Gray work so well together and how it is implied they made a lot of missions as a duo, without the others from their class, just makes me dream, and no one can stop me. Red Crackle are "opposite sides of the same coin". And they'll end up as lovers again because I see Red Crackle as a "right person, wrong timing" situation. They are meant to be and they will be one day, even if it takes a lot of time. They just have too much chemestry, angsty potential and drama material to count and that's exactly what I like. The possibilities are infinite and that just makes their storyline so interesting and I love that for them. So for me, it just felt like Carulia was kinda just there. Only existing.

(That was too long so I decided to divide it. Part 2 is coming soon)

[lonesome-greenery]

It's 2:30ish y'all! | Part two electric boogaloo

Alright folks, buckle in because ooh boy, this episode still doesn't feel real to me.

Spoilers under cut

First off, that vaguely endearing Dokana executive, yeah, you remember him? Not so endearing anymore and I wanted to reach through my headphones and spray him with a butt ton of water like how you spray your cats when training them to associate peeing on your floor with a negative experience so they don't do that anymore.

Juno fighting tooth and nail to survive and deciding he doesn't want to die is probably one of the best ways I've seen a character arc like his executed, and man is it satisfying and beautiful to see. He's grown so much since the season one finale, and he's so much better for it. He got to make the healthiest choice for himself and take hold of his life, and really hold his life between clenched fists, refusing to lose it when he's now found it.

"I'm an adult goddamnit!"

I know there are plenty of good lines through out the series, but this is probably my favorite line. It's so reflective of everything Juno has struggled with so far. He's had so much of his life skewed and screwed over by others, but half of it was his choice too. He's struggled with just functioning as an adult and has felt like his life is out of his hands and in the power of some corrupt bureaucracy for the longest time. And here when he's certain this could be the end of his story, he takes ownership of that part of his identity and that frustration at where his decisions have gotten him. It's such a loaded statement and also points to where his choices have been invalidated by people he's trusted, stripping him of his autonomy. He's not going to allow that to be the last thing that Nureyev does before he sacrifices himself for him because he loves him too much for that to be the end of their story.

Others have already talked about the parallel between Juno's speech to Nureyev in this episode and the season one finale so I won't add much more to it other than I loved the parallel and I'm so glad for it. I like to use bookending in my own writing and it's amazing to see it used here.

Slip's dead. I might not have liked him much, but that ending for him did actually make me cry, especially with him playing the song for Nureyev that he played that first time to let him know that 'that dream has passed', but instead of it being the dream to be some protector of the universe forever with the looming destruction of the people of the planet he grew up on shackling him to his guilt, it's that dream to bring Slip back, to wake him up from the drug induced dream he had shared with him that's shackled him to this immense guilt and Slip has handed him the keys.

And here's a giant cheer to the Ruby 7 for making it through this whole mess! It almost died at least three times in the last few hours and it came back more powerful than ever with quite literally the power of love and friendship and talking about feelings and saved our gay space detective and master thief. I'm so glad that the Carte Blanche crew still stays so close to it and Juno's mind through out this whole season.

I honestly loved this episode so much, and I had a lot quieter but more complex emotions about this than I was expecting.

Now the only question is, what's going on with Rita?

And does she think Juno and Nureyev are dead?

[kiki-de-la-petite-flaque]

Enjoy this beautiful letter from Fiona Apple explaining to her fans why she must postpone a concert date.

It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters used to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools that keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, my mother, my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know she is coming close to the time when she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.

I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.

Many of us these days, dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, of her life, and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.

Love,

Fiona

[defiantbird]

(This isn't the same person as estranged childhood bestie. That one is actually keeping in touch with me more lately.)

I had a friend I was really close with starting in middle school and through college. Even so, we were always pretty different. She's normal, has normal interests, is highly likable and pretty much had no one who disliked her. I've always been odd and nerdy and bad at interacting with people. But she never acted like there was anything wrong with me, even though all her friends definitely thought I was weird as hell. We bonded over having depression and anxiety. I have two particular memories of this: her holding my hand and leading me away from a crowd when I had a panic attack at Warped Tour, and breaking down at her house after her birthday party because my relationship was hanging on my a thread and I'd been pretending to be ok all night.

After college, we drifted apart a bit, as it often goes with school friends once you're adults. The gulf got wider when I moved to the boroughs, after the pandemic, and when she got a new boyfriend. I havent met her boyfriend as we just were never able to really make plans happen again. Still, I asked her to be a bridesmaid for my wedding.

She agreed, but only really showed up for my shower. I got the vibe she just didn't really feel like coming to the boroughs for my bachelorette party and anything else. A week before my wedding, she told me that she was having problems with the house ahead just bought and she was extremely stressed and couldn't be a bridesmaid. I told her not to worry about it...I said she didn't need to give me a gift, I said I'd happily pay for her hair and makeup, I just wanted her to be there, she literally didn't have to do anything but be there.

She agreed again, but a few days later told me she just couldn't. OK. I wasn't going to push, I wanted her to be ok, I got that she was in a tough spot, so I let it go. But ultimately, she didn't even come as a guest. She didn't even come to just the ceremony. She didn't text me the day of or anything.

I sort of accepted this as the end. I was pretty hurt that she didn't show up at all, even after I told her she didn't have to do anything, I just wanted to see her. It felt like there was some other reason she had that she didn't want to tell me. But it is what it is. I figure maybe it was weird of me to want her as a bridesmaid after we'd drifted so much.

Since then were exchanged pleasantries on social media for birthdays and stuff, but otherwise nothing. A few months ago, she got engaged.

I'm not certain yet, but I think I'm invited to her wedding. She posted about sending her save-the-dates and the next day, my former neighbor texted me to say they had a letter that got sent to my old address. I assume it's the save-the-date, because my friend doesn't know I moved.

I feel really conflicted. I don't rely want to go...not out of a petty "Well you didn't come to my wedding so I should I come to yours", but because I really am just kind of hurt and I feel like she's only inviting me out of a sense of obligation. I don't know how to say 'no' without seeming like it's just pettiness, and frankly I don't feel like it's worth telling her the real reason. I'm not mad at her, just sad, and kind of resigned about our friendship. I don't know what excuse I can give. I don't know if I should just go, show my face, have dinner with all her friends who always though I was weird, and quietly leave. Or maybe I should just decline, say nothing, and hope that that solidifies the end so neither of us have to pretend anymore. It feels shitty, but so does the idea of going. I don't know her fiance at all, and sometimes I wonder if he convinced her not to go to my wedding. I have no idea. I don't really know her anymore, either.

Ugh.

Sorry. I had to put this somewhere.