#and ive spent the past 2 months basically trying not to think about her or text/call her just to avoid drama mostly

[romanticviolence]

.

[lightboundhellhound]

2, 8, 9, 22 with elsie, Aidan, and keith

2: Can they take care of a plant? What about a pet? What about a child?

Elsie: plant, possibly. i could definitely see them having a succulent or two, maybe a cactus. maybe they’d forget to water it every now and then but other than that they’d do well. a pet, yes, they have a cat; a sphinx named stinky (after the animal crossing villager). they’ve also owned rats in the past and did pretty well with them! a child… not in the present moment, but once they get to a better mental state then absolutely. right now it would be too big a commitment but give them a few years

Aidan: a plant, uhhh good question LMAO i mean he’s an earthmancer so you’d think so but it’s aidan… would he care enough to take care of a plant… it’s possible but god i don’t know kajdjdkf. a pet, yeah, he does have a chihuahua named cujo, and xe does a good job caring for her. cujo is aidans one and only soft spot, like nothing else in this world matters except her. a child, absolutely the fuck not LMAO like he’s not one of those people who hates kids or whatever like he’s fine with kids but xe’s more of a grouchy drunk uncle than a full on full time parent

Keith: plant, probably not. he would forgeg. pet, yeah he takes care of his pit bull, helena (named after the mcr song) really well, but a small pet? god no lmao he doesn’t have the attention span to remember to clean the habitat (i don’t use the word cage, personally, it feels wrong on my tongue idk). he’d love to have a pair of rabbits but he probably shouldn’t lmao. a child, surprisingly, yes! he was such a substitute dad to his sister veronica that he has a general idea of how to care for kids, and he really wants to be a dad so he’d put in the work and research and whatnot to make sure he does it right

8: Do complex puzzles intrigue or frustrate them?

Elsie: definitely intrigue, but up to a certain point. they can be patient for maybe ten minutes before being like “fuck this shit” kajddkkfkf

Aidan: oh he gets so fucking frustrated lmao he has the patience of a… creature with very little patience. xe’s impatient is what im saying kskdkdkf

Keith: keith has like. all the patience in the fucking world. he spent probably an entire month, maybe more, trying to solve a rubick’s cube without help. he was determined to solve it himself. he eventually worked out the math involved and once it clicked he solved it in… idk an hour? how long do rubick’s cubes take ive never solved one LMAO

9: Do they empathize with non-sentient things (dolls, plants, books…)?

my hatred for the word empathy aside-

Elsie: they’re canonically posic! which stands for “perception of object sentience, individuality, and consciousness”. basically they perceive inanimate objects as having some form of sentience. not necessarily every object, but any object! so yeah basically lmao it’s especially prevalent in objects like stuffed animals, porcelain dolls, figurines, and technology (computers, handheld devices, stuff like that). their companion is a pink 3ds! it’s covered in stickers :33

Aidan: there’s only one object he connects with in that way, and it’s xyr grandfathers flask. aidan loved his grandfather, even if xe doesn’t remember him well now (he died when aidan was five, almost six). he feels like the flask, in some way, contains his grandfathers essence? not literally but. sentimentally. this is the flask

Keith: he doesn’t consciously do so, but he’ll say shit like “i have to buy this mug, it’s the last one on the shelf and it’s lonely :(“ in all sincerity. he also loves collecting things to add to the object “family” as he puts it. he collects so much shit. especially the tabs on cans of monster energy. but that’s not so much a love of objects thing that’s just a Keith Thing

22: Do they like being called pet names? Do they call other people pet names? What’s their go-to?

Elsie: being called pet names, it honestly depends on the person. elsie needs to trust you hardcore before you can call them pet names. and they don’t really use pet names cos it feels unnatural in a way

Aidan: if you call him anything other than aidan xe will cut you. searra calls him dan as a way of antagonizing xem. he doesn’t care for it

Keith: his girlfriend rosita calls him pet names in spanish 🥰 cariño and mi sol are the most common, but she also loves calling him príncipe, amorcito, stuff like that. keith has been learning spanish and he’s… trying. he’s at about my level. so. barely okay! lmao and he loves calling rosita pet names, and tries to sound as sappy and cheesy as humanly possible, like intentionally vomit inducing. think “cutie patootie” but like times a million. “cutesy shmoopsie pie with a cherry on top”. it drives rosita insane and he weaponizes this

[husbandohunter]

Stardew Impact [Stardew Valley+Genshin Impact x Reader]

Part 2/3 Zhongli, Xiao

Synopsis: “A mysterious phenomenon brought you and your s/o to an unfamiliar world: Pelican Town! Without the power of Visions, the two of you begin to learn the life of what it takes to be...a farmer?”

(DOMESTIC FARM LIFE ROUND TWO)

Genre: Fluff

Others

Diluc and Kaeya

Albedo and Childe

(A/n): This was meant to be part 3 but I couldn't wait to write xiao. Plus Ive been writing Albedo for almost the whole month already Word count_2.6k

-------

Xiao

• Thrown in an unfamiliar environment puts Xiao on high alert. Instincts kick in and his hand subconciously grabs for his spear. Nothing. Not even his vision activated. Xiao's gaze darts all over before landing on your figure. He sighs in relief, you're safe, that much he can decipher as of now.

• Stripped of his power, left with only claws and teeth (if must) to protect you from any dangers, he was ansty with every little thing. 

• The villagers are so nice??? For what reason must they have to act so friendly to strangers (Xiao wonders). The Mayor even granted you two a vast farmland free of charge. 

• Shortly he realized he no longer had his karmaic debt. Xiao wasn't sure how to live his life in this state. He dedicated his entire existence to years of slaughter and suffering that it became the only thing he knew. He won't admit it of course, he'll just throw in scoffs and remarks about how mundane activities are a waste of time when in reality, he just has no clue on how to handle them.

• Thats why the first day was difficult as you both try to figure out how to plant parnsips. Deciding it was better to go with an experiment, you split the share of seeds in half and used what basic knowledge you had on farming to finish the job. Xiao on the other hand tried copying what you did….though the outcome wasn't so desirable it was a mess. (His trained hands have taught him to be on the rough side).

• He doesn't bother socializing with the townspeople even though he has no karmaic debt to worry about. Xiao thinks you're more than enough anyways so what's the point? 

• Robin is the only person who can tolerate him for obvious reasons (cough Sebastian cough) she knows exactly how to deal with his personality type. His glares don't faze her, she simply thinks its just a teenage phase of some sort. 

• Eventually they become mutuals, Xiao thinks Robin is similar to Verr Goldet in a way. Since he's the one who does the heavy labour of chopping down trees and mining stones for building upgrades, he gets a chance to visit her house quite often. He comes back with lots of recipes too.

• You find out that his adepti blood never left him. Xiao doesn't need sleep so you better believe it when he tells you the next morning that he spent the whole night watering all 300 of your crops (watering is the only process he's good at for farming). 

• Sometimes you catch him staring out of the window, wondering what he may be thinking. Life was so much more different, almost hard to recognize. Was this real? Is it okay for it to be real, just this once? Ever since he committed his duty to Morax, Xiao didn't dream of a time when everything would be peaceful. Yet here he is, no longer a weapon but on a journey to find out what it's like to live as a normal person. 

• Spring: Every morning you find him kneeling behind the cabin with the pet cat (yes, cats seem to suit Xiao very much). He just stares at them, hesitant if he wanted to pet their fur or rub their chin. So he continues to glare intensely, scaring your cat away :(

• Whenever you wanted to attend any of the town's festivities, Xiao wouldn't even hide his distastefulness but goes with you regardless. Why do mortals consider hiding eggs and finding them a fun activity? And what kind of a name is Flower Dance? Can't they just call it a dance?

• Though…he does like the sight of you wearing a flower crown. Xiao likes putting stuff in your hair.

Since setting foot upon this new world, time seemed to have slowed down to the point that almost everything felt like an eternity. And you didn't mind, with him by your side, you wouldn't mind if it did last forever.

The lull of the grass was the only sound Xiao could hear as he closed his eyes and rested his head on your lap. You maneuvered across his scalp in small, subtle motions, surprised with how warm he felt against the heat your palm. He stirs a little and lets out a soft breath before turning his face to lay on the side.

You were slightly intrigued by the yaksha's new demeanor. From far away, Xiao was an intimidating man, even during the first time you laid eyes him, his presence felt similar to a knife pointing at anyone who dares to come too close. But now, the face that usually held his signature annoyance melted into something you never thought you'd see as the sun rays brushed against the surface of his fair skin. You observed the way his dark eyebrows stayed in a relaxed arch. The red crescents lining right above his beautiful long lashes and the sound of soft snores through parted lips. It was hard to believe that this man was the same person who claimed to have ended a thousand lives through thousands of years.

Did he fall asleep already?

Gently moving away the strands away from his cheekbone, hovered your gaze above him and whispered, "I thought adepti don't need rest."

"Hmph," Xiao responds, though there was no harshness in his tone, "Quit trying to be difficult, I didn't tell you to stop."

The smug grin on your face only widens. You lean downward and said to his ear, "And what's the magic word~?"

Xiao sighs at your antics. You were truly pushing your luck today and he simply didn't have the patience to entertain you. Without a warning, he grabs your wrist and pulls you down, foreheads pressing until you were but a breath away. The adepti conquers, he does not plead.

• Summer: As expected, your parnsnips weren't able to grow as much. Thus, this season was going to be the one to make up for the lost profit. Xiao is very good at hunting, perhaps the best in the entire town. Though the way he catches fish is rather peculiar, said by the folks. He prefers to carve a spear made of wood and repeatedly stabs the lake until results show. Xiao dislikes the old fashioned way, he says its unproductive and it unecissarily takes too much time. 

• But as much as he scared the whole town, they were extremely grateful when he cleaned up the slime issues happening in the mines. You could say that he grew very popular since then and eventually mustered up the courage to greet him a hello whenever he passes by. 

• You nudge him to reply back. Xiao usually shoots you a glare but slowly, he learns the courtesy of acknowledging someone's prescence.

• Fall: You woke up to a burnt smell coming from the kitchen. Xiao just thought he would return the favour since you always worked so hard. (He was actually trying to figure out what a 'whisk' was. It was no wonder why there were eggshells in the dish!)

• You realized that Xiao was taking more initation compared to before. At night, when you thought the animals were actively jumping in the barns, the noise was actually from Xiao trying to adjust himself to the ways of tending the field. After learning what TV was, he would always switch to the channel "Livin off the land" to gain some insight. Truly, Xiao was greatful even though he knew he eventually had to return to his duties, he wanted to utilize the current days the best way he could. And what better way was it to just make you happy in return?

• Winter: This was the season to test the accumulation of Xiao's abilities: you caught a cold and he had to manage everything in his own. Xiao scolded you for not wearing enough and being too careless but at the same he considered that you must've been working too hard.

• Goes to Robin for help. She basically became his mom now. Prepares the food and leaves them in the fridge, she teaches Xiao how to use the phone in case he needed any help and also lets him know where all the essentials are. 

• Xiao stayed by your side the whole time even though you told him you'd be fine. But he refuses, he may no longer be a gaurdian but he was your gaurdian. That role never changed.

~~x~~

Zhongli

• You wake up on a soft bed with Zhongli sitting at a chair nearby. He hands you a cup of brewed water but you're still blatlantly confused. Seems like everything was taken care of by Zhongli, it ends up with him explaining everything to you. 

• The folks instantly assumes you both as a married couple. Who could blame them? He did carry your unconcious body all the way to town while asking for a local doctor. You can bet that the ladies wish they were you at that moment. Zhongli took care of everything, including with the contract with the new farm.

• It didn't take long for you both to adjust to the new lifestyle. Zhongli's accumulated knowledge was enough to last all four seasons. Days past by peacefully as you shared the tasks. He'd place down the stone paths towards the gate and you busied yourself with decorating the house. After that was done, Zhongli would rest upon the rocking chair outside your door (like the grandpa he is) and sometimes you'd join him in one reading session. His voice was soothing, you eventually dipped into a slumber as the evening grew colder. Just like always, your beloved brings his arm to encapsulate you from the wind, brushing his thumb against your skin subconciously while you snore softly into his shoulder.

• In a way, the townsfolk were right. You both do act like a married couple. It's basically domestic life with Zhongli in a nutshell.

• He gets connected with Gunther and lands a role in the Museum. Since he's there so often, Zhongli also manages to be acquainted with Elliot as well. Two men who have a common interest with books while speaking in poetic prose. Their conversation would last for hours to the point Gunther had to kick them out of the library!

• Veeeery good with the children, not in an entertaining way but its just the aura he reeks. Penny usually had trouble dealing with Vincent since he never seems to be able to focus but the minute Zhongli speaks, he's all ears. Not only that he was also very good with the elderly. He even recommended some herbs George could take to soothe his back issues.

• Problem is that he still forgets to bring his wallet and Childe isn't here to save him. So once you stepped foot into the Stardrop Saloon and Gus calls you over, he tells you about the cost he owed to his tab….

• But this tranquil life full of genuinity and deprived of sovereignty, he was overjoyed to be able to spend it with you. Because he knew you were unlike him, that all humans were born with an expiry date. He knew so well that after every new greeting, he would have to face the goodbyes over and over until the world eventually came to an end. He knew you were also going to be part of those many goodbyes while he would still be here.

• But as Zhongli walks amongst the fallen leaves, he remembered the beauty that carries within every new beginning. They brought him to you and he would never hesitate to trade his gnosis for it.

Spring: You shot up your bed when Zhongli blast the TV at full volume. He apologizes, saying that he was simply trying to change the channel. You figured it was best for him to go outside before he somehow glitches the screen until it couldn't repair itself (Robin charges for repairs).

• Every thursday you both go to Pierre's store to complete your grocery shopping. He offers to push the cart as you fill the basket with all the necessities (plus it saves you the trouble of having him tossing whatever he sees without looking at the price tag).

• Every afternoon you order a take out from the Saloon, sharing the meal while sitting at the fountain's edge near the community center. Every evening Zhongli would take you to explore the rest of the vast farmland, discovering places you weren't even aware of. It was no wonder why everyone thought you were a married couple. 

• Summer: Since the cabin was too small for a bathroom, you guys would have to travel up the mountains in order to get to the Spa house (cue sweatiness x10). 

• The concept of hotsprings was derived from Inazuma so it was no surprise that Liyue eventually took it after him. Zhongli had collected some incense from foraging items over the past few months, he knows whats up. But overall he gives the best bath sessions (hands down) and you were the one who insisted in joining him.  He was a gentle and sweet lover, always putting your needs before his. Ancient artifacts and old history books have always been precious to him, he treated you no differently.

The heartbeat of the oceans continues to rock back and forth until they brush up on the sandy shore, washing away the two pairs of footprints left behind by a man and a woman.

Gold against gold, his amber eyes reflected against the scenery. Millions of lights flashed among the sea when the sun began to climb down from the sky, it's rays hugged across the valley like an ethereal glow bestowed by the heavens as summer's wind brought even more warmth than what he had currently felt. You trance ahead of with the same light shaping around your form. 

"Oh hey there's another rainbow shell," you waved at him before running off, "I'll be back!"

How is it that you still continue to shine like gold in his memories?

Zhongli suddenly ponders at the chapters laying ahead of him. He spent so many years turning each page without ever reaching a conclusion, forever searching the fabled happy endings written in fairytale books, but he knew his immortality wouldn't grant him that wish.

Thus, the formal archon raised his pen and reweaves his own story. He envisions his future with you by his side, engraving every detail until it was immortalized in his memories.

Perhaps I shouldn't keep her waiting.

With a renewed resolve, Zhongli clutches the gemstone tightly in his palm, he seals the page with the final contract between your future and his.

• Fall: After getting your first house upgrade, it was time for the next event: the ceremony. Yes, Zhongli would only have a wedding if Liyue traditions were involved. Everyone was invited of course, they were quite intrigued with the flashy setup such as lanterns and fireworks (you were a little worried with where he got the budget for such items) and Zhongli even educated Gus about some recipes he can use for the Saloon.

• You found out that Zhongli was saving all his money for this day (it was no wonder that he couldn't pay for his tab!). Old habits die hard, it was a shame that he didn't have his powers to craft the right items, but at least he got to sea you in a traditional eastern dress (it's the part he was looming forward to the most).

• Fall is the best season. One you wouldn't forget.

• Winter: Ah he finally learns how to use  technology after three seasons. He only knows two channels from the TV which was 'Livin off the Land' and the weather channel. Zhongli oftens talks to himself as he tries to figure out more mechanics, he seems to be extremely absorbed in the most basic things.

• The miner of the house. But instead of using them to upgrade tools and donating them to the museum, Zhongli likes to keep some of them for collection. You could say your house also had a little museum in the other room.

• Romcom movies and soap operas. You can't change my mind that this is what you both spend your time watching as the snowstorm rages outside. 

[bean-pole-art]

Ed’s Borderlands Fics Masterpost

well finally

here is the masterpost of all of my Borderlands fics posted. most of them are Rhysothy focused to various AUs. I’m gonna update it as I post more but here it is, along with some of my commentary

right from the start big big BIG shoutout to @spoks-illogical-art​, my partner in crime, my biggest inspo, without them honestly most of these fics wouldn’t exist, please check out their amazing art <3

(latest edit - 21/02/2021)

Atlas AU - our main timeline, follows events of Moxxi’s Heist. lots of different concepts and ideas but the core really is Tim moving to Promethea to get help from Rhys. gonna sort em here with posting date, check the ao3 series for the “timeline”

Hypothetically - 2240 words summary: Rhys talks a lot, but usually thinks about it too little.

coffee, cats & monographs - 2880 words summary: “Hey hey, easy. You don’t want to repeat the accident from last week, do you?” Rhys cooed towards the cat and picked her up, just as Timothy instructed him to. Hearing these words, Felicity meowed. “Oh, don’t say that. This is my office and I have the power here,” he answered, carrying her back to his personal space.

Or Timothy's cat pays a visit to Rhys' office in the morning. note: I am a stupid mofo and at this point Tim would also have Loader Bot fkjbfd just imagine hes not mentioned cause hes wandering off, typical LB

Have Faith - 1470 words summary: During the 7 year lockdown at the Handsome Jackpot, Timothy couldn't really have any hope for himself. But maybe on Promethea it could be different. note: sudden feelings while watching JoltzDude139′s stream

Warm Cheeks, Cold Hands - 1170 words summary: Rhys comes home early and wants to say hi to his husband. With no ulterior motive. None at all. note: first fic Ive ever posted where characters are married, actually. fuck it, Rhysothy Real, his name is Rhys Lawrence

the battle (and the aftermath) of the ages - 2970 words summary: In a situation like this everything was possible, they could pull any punches they could think of. Four beasts playing against each other, every single one of them thinking of striking the winning blow.

Or Promethea Squad plays UNO. And then watches a movie. note: I love Promethea Squad with my whole heart

okurimono (贈り物) - 4/4, 17170 words summary: “Not a bomb. Just a device with a message for Rhys. Trust me on that,” this time an emoji of both winking and showing off a tongue [;P] appeared on the surface of Zer0’s helmet. Ah. So they were definitely trying to mess him up. In a way. Unfortunately, he really didn’t have any other options. Almost with a defeat, Timothy took the ECHOrecorder right from their hands and looked around it again. Or Zer0 gives Timothy a peculiar mission. note: my first ever multichapter fic. took me legit abt 8 months to finish but I am absolutely satisfied with this. also the bonus ending. yes

(there is) something I see in you - 8690 words summary: How one Rhys Strongfork met one Timothy Lawrence and how they fell for each other. More or less. note: best to go into this one blind, I swear. dumbest fic Ive ever written and please take this as a recommendation

this world is gonna pull through - 14380 words summary: Timothy really hoped it wasn’t anything important. He had that tendency to forget things easily, even if he tried to fight it. But Rhys kept on smiling and went by his side. So it couldn’t have been that bad. Still dumbfounded, he felt Rhys leaving a kiss right on his cheek.“November 11th? 

That- That seriously doesn’t ring any bells?” Rhys continued, brushing his hands against his shoulders. Or how Timothy spent one of his birthdays. note: also a love letter for Tim but a nicer one I guess kdjfnb dont ask how old is he i have no gdamn idea man

Strawberry Sweet - 3560 words summary: Rhys surprises Timothy with a gift for their date night in.

Happy Mercenary Day, Mr. Lawrence - 4670 words summary: How Timothy spent his first Mercenary Day on Promethea. note: I swear this is the best writer night Ive ever had. Ive written this whole thing in one night on Christmas day, solely on the inspo of that song I linked

Don’t Go Wasting Your Emotion - 4/4, 17080 words summary:  Afterwards, he went around with his usual duties. Getting a quick roundabout from his PA, checking several sectors himself and looking through the thousands of messages already sent to him via ECHOs. Rhys was ready to finally take on the day, yet when he made his way to the office, he saw the unusual envelope right by the edge of his desk. “For Rhys” was written on it. Straightforward enough. Or Rhys gets a letter from a secret admirer. note: another multichapter fic!! this one also took some time and well. its inspired by ABBA songs. cause only I would write a Rhysothy fic inspired by ABBA

Ratchet Effect - 7130 words summary: Knowing just how much overworked Rhys has been, Timothy wants to let them have a nice getaway in Lazy River Land. There's only one problem to overcome - ratch infestation. note: first fic of 2021!! Ive been playing a lot of bl3 suring the writing of it so it has a lot of stuff I had observed both on Promethea and on Jackpot

Reflections - 2250 words summary: Sometimes, Timothy needs a reminder.

Tales AU - second most important timeline. it’s Tales but Tim is a part of the group. sorted chronologically

A Story For Another Day - ongoing, for now -  2/25, 15280 words Tales AU main fic. it’s gonna be a big one

Connection Interrupted - 3240 words summary: With his driving shift finished, Timothy checks up on Rhys and Vaughn's plans.

Completely Hopeless - 1040 words summary: In which Fiona notices that Rhys behaves differently in front of a certain doppelganger.

infinity times infinity times infinity - 3460 words summary: Rhys and Timothy share some dreams and secrets underneath the stars. note: the beautiful combination of Sleeping At Last and Minecraft parodies. I promise it makes sense

reality can be whatever I want - 11420 words summary: “Hey, Tim?” Timothy didn’t even spare him a look, “Are we alone, or is he there with you?” Oh, this definitely won’t be pretty.

After the confession of Handsome Jack's AI in his head and his plan to infiltrate Helios, Rhys needs to set things right with Timothy. Somehow. note: thanosdancing.gif to Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way” 80′s remix and a guest appearance from Ferocity but I cant legally say her name here

still here - 2820 words summary: It all had to go down, after Helios crashed. note: I have...a love/hate relationship with this one kjdfbfg I like it but it’s honestly an alternate ending and doesnt fit within our usual bad ending, so take it with a grain of salt. i ten jebany błąd językowy w summary, kiedy ja go poprawię

together at last - 5590 words summary: It all struck him down in an instant, in this one minute. They were all safe. And they were all alive. Nothing was threatening neither him, nor Timothy, nor Fiona. He could finally breathe out.

They all found each other again. note: I am multitasking most time of my life but I dont relate any other fic to multitasking more than this one. I was honestly doing 10 things at once while writing this dfkjbndf

David AU - this one is a sub AU to Tales AU and the plot is kind of complicated dfjkbfb please check the fic for further explanation

building in curved lines - 22490 words summary: “To be fair, you look terrible. You’re barely standing in one piece and none of your coffees will hold you together for that long,” Lilith paused, seemingly weighing the correct words in her head. “You haven’t really been holding on since… We rescued The Double.” Rhys sighed heavily. Why did she have to be so right about everything. Or how Rhys and Timothy adjust to the reality after the Handsome Jack AI. note: bday gift for Spok, EASILY one of my absolute faves and the longest fic Ive written thus far

outside of AUs - some concepts I play with that are honestly outside any of our concrete timelines/concepts + fics not focused on Rhysothy

Real - 770 words summary: Reconciling with your past is a little easier, when you have someone you love right in your arms. note: first blands fic I’ve ever written. the characterization isn’t really there yet but as a first shot at the game and my kind of “introduction”, I am still satisfied of it

(Un)Familiar Faces - 9620 words summary: Timothy pursed his lips and leaned over the wall a little. He’s had enough of this solitude of closed doppelganger cabinet. Today wasn’t the day for another self-loathing session. Today, he should go off on Helios and do something for himself.

Or Timothy spends the night at a Helios bar. But not as Handsome Jack. And not as Timothy Lawrence either. note: personal favorite of mine, tough love letter to Timothy Lawrence. I have so many fond memories of writing this, including getting drunk out of my mind just like Tim and Rhys here

basics of survival - 2010 words summary: Athena taught Timothy everything he needed to know about survival. Now, it was time to put these skills into use. note: wrote this right before rona outbreak on last day in my dorms. thats all

[spicysoftsweet]

A Very Important Episode starring Hisoka

Or the one where Hisoka learns Bungee Gum is not a food group.

A/N: We all know that Hisoka likes candy and Bungee Gum but we would like to encourage Hisoka to make healthier choices and prevent diabetes complications. There will possibly be a part 2. I hope this is educational.

---

This time Hisoka had actually done it. He’d actually managed to fuck up his entire body beyond what he could repair with Bungee Gum or Machi’s services - which she was charging higher and higher for - and now he was somewhere almost unthinkable - an emergency room.

“Illumi~~~~” he half-sang, half-whined now that he was finally lucid, after undergoing an exploratory laparotomy to stabilize his profuse internal bleeding - the surgeons had been in awe of just how much of his body had been purely synthetic due to Texture Surprise exclaiming that he’d be an incredible case to write up - and being amped up full of pain meds. He probably didn’t need the pain meds, but it was fun to go in and out of consciousness; he couldn’t remember the last time he had an actual night of sleep.

His unwilling friend sat at the side of his hospital bed, legs crossed and focusing his jarringly large, black eyes at the fluid and blood that was being transfused into him by IV drip. A small part of him was surprised that Hisoka could be transfused with regular looking blood and regular looking fluid. He was almost sure that he was made up purely of nonsense and Bungee Gum.

“Illumi~” Hisoka moaned dramatically a second time. His gaze slid now to him, with lips pressed into a flat line of distaste.

“Don’t ever use my name as your emergency contact again.”

Illumi had to hide the fact that he was impressed Hisoka could spell clearly enough to make out the letters of his name and had actually retained his phone number. He had been surprised to get a call, but made his way over as soon as he had finished gutting an enemy and stringing them up for display as requested in his latest contract. The idea of Hisoka being dead was incredibly alarming, for he did enjoy his health and company, but also sparked a morbid curiosity in him. Could Hisoka actually die?

“But you came, didn’t you?” Hisoka teased, with a shit-eating grin.

He had him there.

There was a soft knocking on the door, and a young woman in a white coat, followed by a taller man wearing a pair of scrubs came in. The young woman glanced at Hisoka and then Illumi, visibly wincing at the hard stare of the latter in the semi-dark room, then raised her badge to introduce herself. 

“H-hello, I’m Dr. Rhgyl, I-” her eyes flickered to Illumi briefly, unsettled by the fact that he hadn’t yet blinked in the past two minutes, then shifted back to Hisoka, whose devilish smile was almost more unsettling. “I was one of your surgeons and am here to answer any questions you have.”

She turned to Illumi, and gave a nervous nod of the head. “And who is in the room with you, Mr. Morow?”

“My husband,” he said, in a sickly-sweet voice. Illumi gave him a glare, then crossed his arms.

“Sure,” was all he said.

Sure, what? What is sure? Just answer the damn question... The poor young doctor’s face fell as she already knew this was something she’d have to spend unnecessary minutes during her already excessively long call night clarifying in her documentation. She turned to her nurse behind her, who gave her a small shrug. 

“So uh, Mr. Morow, how is your pain?”

“It’s wonderful!”

The doctor again tried to conceal her internal screaming, and continued to keep her professional smile plastered on her face. “In that case, please let us know if you have any more pain, and your nurse will take care of it.”

“We do have one other issue, however, “ she added, making sure to communicate this next part as clearly and effectively as possible. Hisoka perked up in surprise, and Illumi continued to sit perfectly still, as still as a statue. “Your blood sugar. Your blood sugar was extremely elevated, and we were concerned about a diagnosis of prediabetes or diabetes.”

“Diabetes?”

“We expect you to make a fast recovery… surprisingly fast in fact, but we would still like you to follow up with a primary care doctor about your blood sugar. We’ll draw a lab test to check how your sugars were for the past 3 months, called a Hemoglobin A1c test, and then we’ll have your primary care doctor follow up the results and help you with strategies to have better control.”

Illumi turned to Hisoka, who he could tell that whatever the medical team was telling him was going in one ear and out the other, and he was now only thinking about either his next fight or Bungee Gum based on the elated smile on his face.

Bungee Gum.

Bungee Gum was the fucking problem. 

As the doctor and the nurse finally exited out of the room and Hisoka went back to telling Illumi battle stories, Illumi started to clear his schedule in his head, to figure out when he could best drag Hisoka to his follow-up appointments, which he would have to make for him. Someone had to be the adult in this relationship. 

---

Hisoka’s new primary care doctor, another similarly young woman, but less easily intimidated as the tired one from the hospital sat at a computer, pulling up his chart to review his lab results from his hospitalization.

Illumi and Hisoka noticed how she visibly paled as she scrolled, then turned to Hisoka and gave him a reassuring smile, that looked to reassure her more than them. 

“What is it? Am I dead?” Hisoka asked. Illumi gave him a look to quiet down.

“Well, you’re diabetic, all right... Your A1c is 14%.”

“Is that bad?”

She swiveled in her chair to face him, hands in her lap. 

“Well, diabetes is diagnosed at an A1c of 7%. So... unfortunately,  yes.”

Hisoka started counting on his fingers and Illumi forcefully put his hand down.

“Hisoka, listen to the doctor. Diabetes is serious. My great-grandaunt was diabetic.” Illumi said in an even, impassive voice.

“Oh, how old was she when she was diagnosed?” The doctor asked, attempting to build rapport with the patient and the patient’s loved ones.

Without skipping a beat, he replied, “206, exactly. She loved nothing more than to unwind with Mountain Dew after her assassination missions. She ended up on dialysis.” 

The doctor seemed to be at a loss of words briefly, so she turned back to Hisoka, pulling out a pen and a notepad to focus on rather than lose her cool. 

“So, uh… let’s start by talking a little about what you usually eat,” she began. “What do you eat in a typical day?”

“Hm... “ Hisoka didn’t usually keep track of what he ate, so it took him some time to come up with an account. “Ah! Okay, so in the morning, I usually skip breakfast, but sometimes I’ll have some Bungee Gum.”

Odd choice, the physician thought, but she nodded and wrote that down, allowing the floor to Hisoka to speak.

“For lunch, I try not to eat too much, but I also have a couple pieces or ten of Bungee Gum.”

Hm…

“Oh and for dinner, I have a bowl of gummy candy if I’m feeling particularly peckish and also Bungee Gum.”

She looked up from her pad and paper to see Hisoka looking blissfully unaware that he had just revealed that he subsists solely on sweets. She suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to pull at her hair repeatedly. This would be a ton of education, and she still wasn’t exactly sure what exactly Bungee Gum was.

---

Illumi parked his custom Ferrari minivan, purchased entirely for this shopping trip, outside the Costco Wholesale, and gave Hisoka, a long, hard look. 

“Do you have the list?” Illumi asked, hand outstretched as Hisoka handed over a partially crumpled sheet of paper, outlining the basics of a balanced, carbohydrate-controlled diet for people with diabetes.

Hisoka looked outside to the large building, then looked back at Illumi. “Isn’t this for families? I thought we were shopping for me only, and sometimes you when you come over.”

“I don’t know, the butlers told me that they come here to stock the kitchens. It seems from the website that this store provides high quality bulk goods for very competitive prices so this will be an appropriate next stop.”

This was just one out of countless stops today - Hisoka had spent the earlier part of the day searching frantically for sugar-free Bungee Gum in every supermarket in a 25-mile radius unsuccessfully, and demanding to see the manager every time, only to kill them when they told him they didn’t have his particular brand. Illumi warned him that there would be no such shenanigans any longer.

They stepped out of the car and walked right past the door greeter who was waiting eagerly for them to present their membership card only to recoil once they both turned to look at him in unison with intent to kill. 

The first things Hisoka noticed as he walked in were the multiple little free sample kiosks at the aisles every so often and curiously wandered over to them. 

“Make sure to avoid anything glazed or with a sauce,” Illumi called after him, poring through the list as he wandered over to the produce aisle. He didn’t understand the draw of free samples; if he wanted to try something, he would simply buy it.

Hisoka made his way to Illumi and Illumi’s overfilled grocery cart about a half-hour later after wandering the entire store, arms filled with small paper cups and tasting spoons. It was clear that he had sampled literally everything, possibly twice or thrice. Illumi let out a sigh and moved to the front of the store to check out. 

Keeping Hisoka’s blood sugar low would be a daunting task, but he was determined that by the next visit to his PCP, he’d have some improvement in his A1c. Texture Surprise can only replace so many amputated limbs at once. He’d just have to buy every supermarket’s supply of Bungee Gum and possibly halt every single production chain devoted to it or something similar. A pain, but it was worth it. Hisoka was annoying as all hell, but still, he was worth it.

[yikesharringrove]

the fic you wrote for my last prompt was amazing, ty 😭 can you do 50 + 56 this time please? and if you want to work in dyslexic!steve too that would be awesome! 🥰

You are speaking my fuckin’ language, dyslexic Steve is my ABSOLUTE jam. Honestly, whenever I write Steve, he’s dyslexic, although sometimes it’s not mentioned because it’s not important to Harry’s journey @ jk rowling

Thank you for your request! I’m really glad you liked the other one I wrote! You’re anonymous so I don’t know which one that is but I really enjoyed writing them all! Sorry for my manic energy rn.

Something a little different, it’s modern au! This is probably nothing like what you were thinking so I’m sorry, but I kinda love it ngl.

50: Secret Admirer

56: “I don’t know if I should be flattered or offended.”

Prompt list!

Billy spent three and a half hours reading through every single tweet on the account.

There were so fucking many of them. The earliest one was timestamped from four days ago, so obviously, this person had no life outside of tweeting.

Tweeting about Billy.

He had a few personal favorites. He had retweeted them to his account, figuring may as well play it up, make a joke outta everything.

@ImHardForHargrove: sorry WHOMST gave you the RIGHT to have eyes that fuckin blue im YELLING

@ImHardForHargrove: watchin u play basketball is a religious experience y are ur arms so BIG hhnnnng

And Billy’s absolute favorite, which he pinned right at the top of his account

@ImHardForHargrove: ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass

Billy knew he looked good. Knew he turned heads wherever he went. He did that on purpose. But realizing someone at Hawkins High had set up a thirst account for him, well.

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or offended.” Billy had explained the situation to Robin, letting her go through the account on his phone. “Like, It’s kinda nice, whoever this guy is, he’s got a crush. But also like, It’s kinda creepy. Plus he’s objectifying me,” Billy was talking through his sandwich.

Robin made a face of disgust. “Why do you keep saying ‘he’? All of the girls in this fucking school are practically drooling for you.”

“Hard for Hargrove, Robin. I know you’re like, revolted by the peen and whatever but that does not excuse a lack of basic sexual education and anatomy.” She gagged at him. Honest to God, gagged. He thought she was gonna spew all over the table.

“If I ever hear you call it a peen ever again, it’s on sight Hargrove.” Heather plopped herself down next to Robin, kissing her cheek before zeroing in on Billy’s phone, still in Robin’s hand.

“Have you guys worked out who it could be yet?” Her eyes were wide at Billy.

“Billy says he thinks its a guy even though people with penises aren’t necessarily men.” Robin gave him a pointed look.

“Yeah Robin, I know that, but, I don’t know I just think it’s a guy penis-having person.”

Heather narrowed her eyes at him. “Do you actually think that, or are you just hoping in that goblin little brain of yours that this account is Steve Harrington’s.” Billy could feel the heat spread down his neck.

“Billy, I know Steve is like, the only out guy in this whole fucking town, but you can do way better than him.  PLUS, I feel like it makes more sense if the person running this account wasn’t out and had to channel their gay yearning through social media.”

“First of all Robin, you have this vendetta against Steve that I don’t get. He’s a nice guy. He’s kinda dopey, kinda dumb, but he’s like, sweet and shit. Second, I’m not out, so it still could be him because he doesn’t think I would, like, accept his advances or whatever. Hence, gay internet yearning.” The chime of the bell sent them packing their lunches, Billy’s phone vibrated in Robin’s hand. She rolled her eyes when he realized he turned on notifications for the account

“Get a fucking life you loser.” She slapped the phone into his hand. He opened the new tweet with embarrassing zeal.

@ImHardForHargrove: i saw u talking with ur mouth full and it was yucky but i was still  🥺🥺

His head shot up, trying to see who would have been facing him during lunch, but the cafeteria was almost empty.

The rest of the week Billy took deliberate care of every interaction he had with anyone. Observing who was in his surroundings, and making note of everything he did and said. He took extra caution around Steve, wanting to spot any minute detail that could give away who ran the account.

The account started blowing up. People were retweeting like fucking crazy. Everywhere he went, he was being asked if he’s seen it, like he doesn’t regularly retweet the good ones. The search for the owner of the account had spread throughout the whole school. A few girls even tried to claim the account was theirs, but every time that happened the account would tweet out something to discredit whoever made the claim, proving them a liar.

Billy was starting to lose hope it was Harrington. The tweets were coming at all different times, posted whenever the person thought about it, so Billy was losing track of who was near when he said or did something. And the tweets were always about stupid stuff Billy didn’t register doing. On Wednesday night the account said

@ImHardForHargrove: hi when you chew on your pencil and it makes me 🥴 that is all thx for comin to my ted talk

Friday afternoon gave them all:

@ImHardForHargrove: walked past ur classroom and u were asleep ive never wanted to CUDDLE someone so bad in my LIFE

But Saturday, Saturday renewed all hope for Harrington Billy could possibly have. Lauren Kranz was throwing a party. It was the first real rager in a while, so everyone was there, and everyone was sloshed. Everyone but Billy, who’d agreed to be designated driver for Robin and Heather like some kinda idiot.

He was brooding on the back porch when his phone went off. The account was active, and the owner was drunk.

@ImHardForHargrove: I can seeeeee u oyt the windw I wan u 2 FUC ME. RAW DOG.

@ImHardForHargrove: srry ur so beauitiful nd THICCC

@ImHardForHargrove: I wana shoot my shot but idk if u lik bois

@ImHardForHargrove: (ys i am boi)

@ImHardForHargrove: nd i dont wana get my heart broken agin 😥

He was right about it being a guy. He was right about him being too nervous to approach him outright. His brain was screaming stevestevesteve at him. Hawkins was shook when Steve came out as bisexual in his sophomore year. He was the golden boy, a real jock. He was NOT the kind of guy people would assume queer in a small midwestern town.

He was kind of a douchebag, dumping one girl for another, sleeping with her and never calling again. But then he settled down with this guy from the University of Indianapolis for a few months until Steve caught him cheating. Apparently, he had slashed the guy’s tires. Billy was impressed.

The next year came Wheeler, who only stuck around long enough to make sure Steve was nice and whipped before she fucked off on him too. So Steve retreated. Spent more time with middle schoolers than anybody else. Didn’t want to put his heart on the line anymore until he knew it wouldn’t be stomped on.  Billy could respect that.

Billy couldn’t risk being out in a town like Hawkins. Word always had a way of getting right back to his dad, and in a tiny hick town with nothing better to do than gossip, it was usually only a matter of hours before Neil heard something he didn’t like.

@ImHardForHargrove: srry 4 bad typing rn. drunk nd dysl exic ren’t a happy combo

Billy’s heart stopped. The drunken idiot was giving himself away. Maybe if he sat here staring at the account long enough, enough would be revealed he could figure it all out like a shitty drunk episode of Blue’s Clues.

He was so focused on Twitter, refreshing his feed, again and again, he didn’t notice a very drunk, and very unsteady Steve Harrington stumbling out the back door towards him. Until he crashed into his back.

“Sorry, Bill!” Billy had Steve by the shoulders trying to keep him upright. “Heyy I have a question for you.” Steve grabbed one of Billy’s hands and veered over to the table and chairs arranged neatly on the small patio. When they were sitting, Steve kept ahold of Billy’s hand.

“Hi.” Steve was smiling like a little kid. Billy was in fucking love.

“hey, Harrington. What was your question.”

“So-oo. I have this friend. A very good friend. Super close. And he has a big ol’ crush on you but he’s too scared to ask you himself because he keeps getting his heart fuckin’ broken so he wanted me to ask. Are you into guys?” It’s a miracle Billy understood any of that, every word blending into the next.

“That depends.” Billy leaned in, running his tongue along his bottom lip. He saw Steve take in a sharp breath, following the movement with his glazed eyes. He knew Steve was talking about himself, he just wanted to rile him up a little. Make him blush first. “This friend you’re talkin’ about. He’s our age? Like you’re not trying to set me up with one a’ your kids, right?” Steve physically recoiled.

“NO, you fuckin’ pedo. I’m NOT trying to set you up with a fuckin’, fuckin’ middle schooler. My friend is, uh eighteen. He’s a senior.” Unless Tommy fuckin’ H. suddenly had a penchant for dick Billy didn’t know about, Steve was 100% talking about himself.

“Well, if he’s as pretty as you are, I’d love to go out with him sometime.” Billy winked. Steve went red.

“Okay, but like, does that mean you’d go out with me? Like I’m as pretty as me, right? Because I was talking about me. Not ‘a friend’ I was talking about me. Steve.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that out. You know, I was hoping it was you running that Twitter. Any time you’d tweet out something you wanted to do with me, I was always picturin’ doing it with you, Baby.” Billy was practically purring. “Especially all the shit you wanted me to do TO you.” Steve gave something between a whine and a groan and flopped himself onto Billy’s lap, straddling him with very little grace.

“Thank God. ‘Cause you’re so fucking hot I’d let you do anything to me. Anything, Bill.” Billy smiled softly at him.

“Then let me take you home. Let me put you in bed to sleep off all this. And let me take you to breakfast tomorrow. Something nice and greasy for your hangover tummy.” Steve was a puddle in Billy’s lap. “C’mon, Drunky, git your ass up.” Steve just giggled and muttered Drunky Skunky under his breath.

Billy sighed and stood up, hefting Steve up with him.

“Bil-ly,” Steve whined. “You’re so strong, this is so fucking hot. I gotta tweet about this.”

“Tweet it later, Sweet Thing.”

It took Billy for-fucking-ever to find Robin and Heather (they were making out in the basement with the stoners). But Steve chirped and cooed into his ear, so happy Billy could lift him and hold him like it was nothing.

The last tweet from the account was timestamped from Sunday evening.

@ImHardForHargrove: Hi this is Steve. Billy’s my boyfriend now 🥰#ThirstWorks

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

Eleven and her curious lack of development

Eleven. El. Jane Ives. Jane Hopper. El Byers. Call her what you will, but El is seen by many as being the main character of Stranger Things. I personally disagree, and I find her character to be too largely unexplored to be compelling, so far at least. It’s a shame, because there is a lot of potential there. We have this young girl who spent her entire life in a lab until she was around 12 years old. She was raised to be a weapon: dangerous and obedient. Then she found friends.

After Season 1, and a bit into Season 2, I thought they were going to develop her character well. She was clueless about the larger world. She didn’t understand social norms, she acted on impulse, she lashed out at authority, and she responded to social interaction with either hesitation or outright fear. Essentially, she showed signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder as a result of her upbringing. She also showed signs of trauma in regards to Brenner specifically, but we haven’t had an opportunity to explore that yet. Somehow, though, she’s able to understand romance?

El’s first introduction to the idea of romantic relationships was in Season 1. She naturally didn’t understand. She lacked the necessary social development. Everything she knows is based off of what Mike tried to explain, and she had a hard time following. This is all also happening during a traumatic time for both of them. El in particular would have a hard time making sense of all the emotions she’s feeling, and Mike probably wouldn’t do too much better. They build an extremely close bond in only a week’s time. She more or less imprinted on him when he took her in after finding her in the woods. She’d do anything to get his approval.  Let’s be honest here. El likes Mike romantically because he’s basically leading her into thinking she does. He’s not really doing it on purpose, but that’s irrelevant. To El, it’s just another fact or rule, and she doesn’t question it. 

At the end of Season 2, and throughout Season 3, El’s problems largely disappear. Everything is Mike, Mike, Mike. It’s not very unusual. Mike represents safety to her. The problem is, they missed every opportunity to expand her character. Any personal or social growth she had after moving in with Hopper ceased. She actually seems possessive and obsessed with Mike. We get hints of that early in Season 2 where we see her watching Mike, and again when she knocks Max off her skateboard because Mike actually smiled at her. Then she rudely ignores Max when the girl tries to introduce herself. Again, nothing terribly unusual for a kid in her situation, but it’s not something to be seen as healthy and moving past it should be part of her character growth. It may have been intentional. Hopper’s not exactly a therapist, counselor, or teacher, and he’s way out of practice as a parent.

Season 3 shows that El is largely limited in socialization to Mike visiting her. She’s still not allowed out in public, and she’s not shown interacting with any of her other friends. She seems more than happy to leave her friends to go make out with Mike. She hasn’t grown in the 7 months or so since the Snow Ball. This would be ok if her arc this season was about growing past that. It looks like she might. She goes and spends time with Max, for what seems like the first time, and they become friends. Max urges her to “try things on” to find out what she likes, and this should be a jarring line. El literally admits she has no idea how to tell if she likes something. She’s never considered anything beyond what she was told, be it by Brenner, Mike, Hopper, or, now, Max. Taking Max’s advice, she dumps Mike, and she seems pretty happy afterwards.

This is where what could have been good gets ruined. This should have been about her starting to learn that what other people think is good for her isn’t necessarily what is good for her. Instead, what we get is a clumsy and awkward arc that results in her clinging to Mike again. In fact, nothing really seemed to change in their relationship at all. Mike awkwardly tried to get her back. Despite the time they’ve supposedly spent together, they can’t even have a normal conversation. El holds her ground, but then the danger hits and Mike shows his usual bravery as he tries to help her. She becomes dependent on him for safety and comfort again. Then three months later we get the awkward kiss and “I love you” that is so off that it seems like they hadn’t been a couple in the three months since the mall incident. Now she’s saying I love you right before she leaves. She’s clinging right back to Mike because that’s how she feels safe and secure.

In a Season where we could have finally seen El interact with other characters and grow, we get none of that. She has almost nothing with Hopper except the awkward attempts to curb their making out, no interactions with Joyce, none with Will, none with Dustin or Lucas. She’s in the room with them, and there is eye contact, but no real interactions. Was this done intentionally to set up something next season, or are we supposed to accept that this is her character? This socially and emotionally deprived child is somehow mature enough to develop a healthy romantic relationship? I have a lot of trouble believing that the Duffers and their writing team consider this good character development in and of itself.

I risk angering a lot of fans, particularly young teens, but Mike and El are bad for each other, at least as a couple. Their relationship is obsessive and possessive in nature, resulting in the deterioration of their other relationships. It’s a sort of an extreme example of infatuations that are typical of that age. They can be intense, but lack any emotional depth and eventually fail. El’s growth could still be salvaged though. She’s now moving away from Mike. She’s going to have to learn to live without him, and that could provide an avenue for her to realize that she hasn’t loved him so much as needed him. 

My apologies to the fans, but Mileven is toxic. It’s bad for both characters, at least as it stands now. Season 3 actually showed them both better after the breakup. They treated each other as a security blanket when together. It’s “I love you because I need you” rather than “I need you because I love you.” It’s not impossible for them to grow into something healthier, but Season 3 did not suggest such a story arc. We’ll have to wait and see what Season 4 has in store, but I hope it allows El to move towards becoming a fully actualized young lady, rather than being reliant on Mike, especially now that she lacks powers.

[domesticateddog]

since my grandma came back with absolutely no warning yesterday bc she decided to drive 2+ hours down here to pick up the keys to the house her and her other kids are gonna move into and spend the night here (again. no warning at all bc she’s very inconsiderate) instead of waiting until TODAY (sunday) when they were supposed to all drive down here to move in anways. why would you drive all the way back to ohio just to pick uo the keys a day early instead of waiting until the day you actually move in???? what was the point of that??? so she spent the night AGAIN, kept her shoes on in the house, put food on the couches, got defensive over not remembering anything instead of just owning up to it ect... and then today we waited until like 5:30pm for my aunt & uncle to say they were ready to come down but they never did so we gathered my grandma’s crap from the storage unit she rented and moved most of her stuff in and argued bc she lost the keys after we drove all that stuff to her new house a half an hour away (she then found them in th le car) but my mom is so irritated with her bc jesus christ what if she actually forgot the keys. my grandma was arguing saying she’s old and cant do stuff as well as she used to, which is kind of true but it’s like she acts way older than she is, and then my grandma was like “well youhavent seen me in a while” and my mom blew up and said “YEAH, IT’S BEEN TEN YEARS!” (ive been wanting to scream that at her the entire 1 1/2 months she’s been staying with us and more..), then she found the keys and it went much smoother. i though it was gonna be slightly hostile after that but it went on normally but whatever.

we lifted all her stuff, and my grandma kept blocking the doors and just standing right in the way. she does that ALL the time i dont understand it. it’s like she has no spatial awareness at all, we were in the empty storage unit parking lot and i just helped my mom carry her mattress & box spring out to the trailer and ny grandma walked right behind me carrying a little bag and full body bumped me! we have the entire empty parking lot that she could have walked around and she ran right into me and kept on walking ?? i dont get it. im VERY aware of where i am in relation to others, i always try to stay out of the way especially when we’re moving heavy crap. she just does the exact opposite of everything we do and she’s very hard to live with bc of that. despite having a lot of animals we’re very neat (at least comparatively), we dont leave dishes around,we wash our hands a lot, we dont out food on the couch, no shoes in the house, we dont smear fucking butter on everything (including my signed MST3K painting :) ) you know, NORMAL things. like basic manners.

i could rant all day about my frustrations with her (and it still wouldnt cover it) but it just sounds so...small in writing than it is actually living with this woman who abandoned us for over a decade for a “christian” cult. i would pity her if it wasnt for that. but everytime i feel bad for her i look at her think “you fucking left us in the dirt for over decade bc we wouldnt join your cult. even the occasional birthday card you would send me you blamed my mother for why you werent allowed to see me. you personally taught me that blood means fucking nothing and that real love is unconditional. my other grandma loved me no matter what and you never loved us. we were your rock bottom last choice, and even though your other kids left your cult too eventually you NEVER cut off contact with them. we were the example family. nobody else got excommunicated and abandoned just us.” all of that runs through my head and then i realize i dont pity her at all. she brought all of this onto herself. not only that but we could be worse to her. we could not talk to her at all or scream at her for all the shit she has done. but i just bite my tongue and rant to all of you people who follow my online journal as you scroll 90mph past this wall of text lol sorry.

she apologized to my mom once but she never said anything to anybody else. my mom said she cried in my moms church bc my moms pastor (who knows the entire situation and read the books/articles about this cult she was in) immediately came up to her and said something along the lines of “before i say anything else, i know about your situation and i have to say: what a completely selfish and egotistical way of life to think that your church is the ONLY acceptable belief and everyone else is unworthy..” ect and apparently she started to cry. boo hoo you blamed us for years i dont feel bad at all bc that was 100% your choice. you choose to leave us and cast us out of your life. im not gonna throw you a fuckin parade bc you finally realized we are your family and not some garbage to throw away. i stopped thinking of her as family years ago anyhow, to me she’s just an old lady who i knew when i was a kid.

SO all of that culminating to her moving in to our house for almost 2 months and then us have to kove all of her shit TWICE is irritating. it just feels like we’re beinf used bc we’re her absolute last resort. and we are.

[smwgreen]

⌞ʾ⁎ ⊰ Ben Barnes, cis-male, he/him/his ⊱ i think i just saw SIR ADAM LANDRY IV walk across trafalgar square, singing to ALL I DO IS WIN ( LUDACRIS ). you know, the THIRTY-SEVEN year old HEIR? people claim that they are just like THE BEAST from BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. it must be because they are VALIANT and SPOILED as well… though i could be wrong. all i know for sure is that they live at BALTIMORE apartment. { moni, 28, cst, she/her/hers }⌝

About

The Landry family can be dated back all the way to 14th century England and have ties to old royalty in France. It is something that they pride themselves with and something they continue to brag about.

Adam is the only son and oldest child of the Duke and Duchess. 

Growing up, Adam was very spoiled due to his family’s history and his future title as Duke. His parents gave him whatever he wanted and rarely disciplined him.

He lived most of his life in France where he also went to school. Adam was, by default, the most popular boy in his school. Everyone wanted to be his friend and be on his good side. For the most part, he was able to get away with whatever he wanted. He didn’t care if people weren’t really his “friend” or if they didn’t like him while he was Head Boy. Adam believed that his title and pocket book spoke louder than anything he needed to say himself. 

His parents traveled the world with little to no contact with their son. The butlers and maids basically raised Adam. He respects them more than his parents.

When he was older, Adam spent most of his time partying, spending a lot of his parents money, and globe trotting around the world. He has been the focus of many gossip columns and scandals. Something his father behind the scenes had to clean up one too many times for his own liking.

After being arrested for disorderly contact for a third time, his parents were able to cut a deal with the court. Being disappointed in his behavior, they threaten to cut him off if he didn’t clean up his act. It was not too long afterwards, his mother passed away. 

Adam went on a downward spiral after his mother passed. He partied none stop in London, got into many fights, and was caught drunk driving a couple of times. After he spent almost £3 million pounds on one “epic” weekend, his father gave up on him and decided to cut him off until he could prove himself worthy to be a Landry.

It was not made public of what his father did to him. There was a few whisperings here and there but not much more. 

His father brought him in for a meeting one day with their lawyer. His will had been updated due to a recent development in his health. Adam was alerted that there were three things he had to do in order to inherit the title of Duke and the Landry fortune: 1) Go to rehab and get a therapist, 2) He must live on his own and show that he could provide for himself, and 3) He must learn to love others. 

To help start him out, The Duke gave Adam some starter money to help him out and an apartment in the Baltimore building of the Weber apartments. 

For two years now, Adam has struggled to better himself and his situation. Saving some of his money that he kept to the side and the money he inherited from his mom, he tried his best to keep up with his lifestyle.

The more his father’s illness progresses, the more Adam realizes he doesn’t have much time to show that he can change. The road to recovery is a long one but he is willing to try and do it. His worst nightmare is that both of his parents will die only seeing him as a “monster” of a child. And he refuses to let that be his father’s regret the day that he dies. 

Personality

Adam can be very hot tempered if he doesn’t get what he wants. He feels like it is his way or no way at all.

He can be very spoiled and doesn’t like to do things to help others like his very charitable parents did. He doesn’t understand why they give so much money snd time to charity when it should go to him.

When he was little, he had dreamed about being a firefighter. He isn’t afraid to help during a time of need and doesn’t think twice when running into danger. 

Adam can be insecure since he never truly had support growing up. He often looks to his butlers and maids for advice since his parents rarely gave it to him.

Over the past couple of months, Adam has taken the steps to better himself. His been a very slow and at times painful process but for Adam, at least he is making progress. 

[omgjasminesimone]

Tequila Sunrise Epilogue

Previous Part: Part IV

Bonus Part: Soap Box Derby

Logan x MC

Author’s Note: Couldn’t stop myself from writing an epilogue. I just can’t let go of Ride or Die. And we all know Logan would do the most as a Dad. Like, just completely over the top.

Summary: Logan and Ellie have a baby.

Word Count:  1900

“Un pez” Logan turns the page,  “dos peces…”, turns another, “pez rojo….pez azul…..”

Ellie rolls her eyes and tries to tune him out,  grabbing the remote from the nightstand and turning up the volume on the Real Housewives of Orange County. She shifts a little, trying to find a comfortable position in bed. Logan continues to read the Spanish children’s book quietly to her full-term baby bump as she turns onto her side. He hopes this early exposure will make their son bilingual.

Logan has really taken to this whole fatherhood thing. He’s read every parenting book available from the LA library system, refusing to buy the books since he’s also really into saving money for the college fund he’s already started for their son. He cooks for her daily, making sure she gets all the nutrients necessary for the baby. He won’t let her have caffeine, since he read somewhere it’s bad for the baby. She thinks this is overkill, and drinks caffeine at her dad’s house while Logan is at work.

After taking the plea deal and arriving in Los Angeles three months ago. it had been difficult for Logan to get a job. Disclosing his felon status on job applications resulted in almost no calls for interviews. He settled for construction work at first so they wouldn’t be completely dependent on their savings, but Logan knew he needed something with health insurance benefits for his very pregnant wife. A month ago, he had finally landed a full-time position as a used car salesman. He works for commission, but the job comes with health insurance. And with his charm and knowledge about cars, he’s doing very well commission wise.

Now with more time on his hands without having to job search, he’s thrown himself even more so into the baby. And honestly, it’s starting to get on Ellie’s nerves. She especially hates when he reads to her stomach. Ellie loathes being pregnant. She constantly feels sick, she has to pee all the time, and she despises how every time she goes anywhere everyone wants to rub her belly. She feels like an incubator. Sometimes, Ellie just wants to be alone. But Logan is constantly all over her, well not her really, all over the baby which just so happens to be inside of her. She can’t help but think all the attention he lavishes on the baby is part of the reason he refuses to come out. She’s two weeks past her due date and she wants this baby out more than she’s ever wanted anything.

She’s hormonal and irritated, and that makes her want to snap at Logan when he’s being annoying, like right now. She takes a deep breath, reining in her irritation and reminding herself where all this is coming from with Logan. He had a really shitty childhood. Mom in jail, unknown father, bouncing from foster home to foster home before he ran away at twelve. Forced to turn to crime just to get by. His life was the opposite of the kind of perfect he’s trying to build for their child. No one would have even thought to read to him while he was in his mother’s belly. No one loved him, wanted him, like he loves and wants this child.

“…en cualquier lugar.” Logan finishes the story, kissing her bump after setting the book aside. His stubble tickles, but she stops herself from complaining. “Te quiero.” He promises, kissing her belly again. He reaches for the pregnancy belly headphones, one of his only financial splurges over the last couple of months, turning on classical music and placing them on.

“And you…” He scoots up to the bed until they are face to face. “Te quiero.” A kiss to her neck. “Te adoro.” A kiss to her forehead. “Te amo.” He captures her lips, deepening the kiss after a moment and tugging at her sleep shorts.

She pulls away, rolling onto her back. “I don’t understand how you could possibly want to have sex with me right now. I look like a beached whale.”

“I think you’re glowing. You’re so beautiful Ellie.” Logan insists.

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Liar.”

“Hey.” He grips her hand, gently tugging her back onto her side so they’re facing each other. “I told you in that underground casino, no more lies.”

Ellie smiles, kissing him softly before pulling away again. “Sorry, I know it’s been a while…but I’m just not in the mood. I’m so ready to not be pregnant.”

“No worries, I can wait. But sex can induce labor, you know.”

Ellie contemplates that. She’s tried basically everything else at this point. Spicy food, exercising, acupuncture, the list goes on. “Well, trying can’t hurt.” She admits. Logan grins, slipping a hand into her panties.

“You’re so wet babe.” Logan observes. His brow furrows. “Like….really wet.”

Ellie sits up, shifting over in bed. A dark puddle is revealed where she had been lying. “I think my water broke.” She sounds calmer than she feels.

Logan immediately springs into action, leaping from the bed and changing from his pajamas into jeans and a t-shirt.  “Okay, time to follow our birth plan. Babe, where’s the birth plan? I gave you the binder, right?”

He had written up a 100-page document, even going as far as laminating the pages. Ellie had promised to read it, but had accidentally left it at Riya’s house 2 months ago and forgot to pick it back up. She had wanted to show Riya how out of control Logan was, but her best friend just thought it was cute.

“Oh that, I think I left that at Riya’s.” She confesses.

Logan frowns, “You read it though, right?” Her guilty look must answer his question, because he looks very disappointed. “That’s fine.” He mutters, going to the closet for the hospital bag he packed a month ago.

“Logan.” Ellie calls after him.

He returns with the bag. “What?”

She takes his face in her hands, stretching up on her tip toes to kiss him. “Calm down. Everything is going to be fine.” She assures when she pulls away.

Logan pulls her into a soft hug, kissing the top of her head. “Let’s go have a baby.”

…

..

.

“Logan, you’re driving so slow.” Ellie complains, sitting in the backseat with their newborn. She gently traces a finger over Gage’s soft cheek as the baby continues to slumber peacefully in his car seat. Logan had spent a full hour strapping him in before being convinced that the straps were comfortable, but tight enough.

“These maniacs are driving way too fast. I’m in the slow lane.” Logan counters, ignoring the car honking behind them.

“You’re going 30 miles per hour. On the freeway. I think it’s actually illegal to drive this slow. You’re disrupting the flow of traffic.” Ellie explains. This is quite the 180 degree change from how he drove her to the hospital, dangerously weaving through traffic at speeds averaging 90 miles per hour in his familiar Devore GT.

Logan speeds up to 50 miles per hour. “Happy?” He asks.

Ellie smiles at Gage as he gurgles. “Very.”

Eventually, they pull up to their apartment complex. Ellie spots her dad’s car in the parking lot. He had met them at the hospital, excited to witness his baby having a baby. Detective Wheeler insists on staying with them for the first week of Gage’s life, helping the helpless first-time parents. Logan isn’t thrilled about it. The relationship between the two is still awkward, with too much bad history. They tolerate each other for Ellie’s sake, and now for Gage’s sake too.

The Wheelers (Logan took Ellie’s last name when they eloped in Las Vegas three months ago. It’s untraditional, but his own last name didn’t mean much to him. This feels like a fresh start. Like a new family, a real family. Plus, Detective Wheeler seems to be happy that the baby will carry on the Wheeler name and Logan needs every point he can get with his father-in-law.) enter their apartment for the first time as a family of three.

“Dad?” Ellie calls out, knowing her dad knows where the spare key is hidden and likely let himself in. He appears from the kitchen, tossing an apron off as he immediately reaches for his grandson. Logan hands their son over, and Detective Wheeler beams as he coos at the small bundle of joy. Ellie smiles at the sight, her heart so full of joy. She turns to kiss her husband, but Logan turns his head, causing her kiss to land on his cheek. She frowns. He’s always super weird about being affectionate with her in front of her dad. Maybe it’s because the last time Detective Wheeler saw them kissing, he pulled a gun on Logan.

“I made the Ellie special honey. I figured you might be hungry for real food after all those hours of labor.”

Ellie’s mouth immediately begins watering, rushing into the kitchen for the waffles she craves. That leaves the Wheeler men, all three of them now, alone.

Logan shifts uncomfortably, itching to follow Ellie out of the room. “He looks like you.” Detective Wheeler comments, examining his grandson before looking at his son-in-law.

“Really? I see Ellie.” Logan replies, looking at Gage’s features.

“He’s got Ellie’s eyes, but the rest of him is all you.” Detective Wheeler insists. There’s a moment of silence before Detective Wheeler continues. “You know Logan, you’ve proven me wrong.”

“Huh?” Logan asks.

“When Ellie told me that she was pregnant, and that you were the father, I told her she’d be better off without you. That you couldn’t take care of her, or the baby. That a criminal can’t really go straight. That it would never work.” Detective Wheeler had been looking at Gage, but now he looks at Logan. “But you’ve got a good, legitimate job. You were so attentive during the pregnancy. I can tell how much you love my daughter, and now my grandson. You’re a good man Logan, and I’m proud to call you my son-in-law.”

Logan stands, stunned. Completely unused to any type of paternal praise. He clears his throat, and when he finally speaks it is full of emotion. “Thank you. I hope to never let you down, to never let Ellie or Gage down.”

Detective Wheeler smirks. “You won’t.” He pauses for a second before continuing, bouncing his grandson lightly in his arms.  “But if you ever do, you’ll have a lot harder time hiding from me than you did from the FBI.”  

…

..

.

Gage’s crying comes through the baby monitor, waking Ellie from the light slumber she has just managed to fall into. She groans. She feels like she has gotten maybe 5 hours of sleep in the two weeks since Gage was born. She nudges Logan roughly. “It’s your turn.” She informs him.

Logan groans, slowly forcing himself out of bed. He sleepily searches for his slippers, dragging his feet down the hall to the nursery.

The crying quiets, and Ellie can hear Logan speaking quietly to their son through the baby monitor.

“I didn’t know I could love somebody this much…this fatherly love is really something else. It makes Mommy’s dad pulling a gun on me make so much sense.” Ellie chuckles a little at that, starting to drift back to sleep. “Makes me wonder how any parent could let their kid go into the foster care system.” Logan pauses, as if composing his thoughts. “I wouldn’t give you up for anything Gage. I’ll always be here for you. And for your mother. I promise.”

…

..

.

Taglist: @choicesarehard @ifyouseekheart @brightpinkpeppercorn @powdesiree0816 @regina-and-happiness @choicelogansbitch @flyawayboo @fairydustandsarcasm @alesana45 @umiumichan @maxwellsquidsuit @professorortegasstudent @god-save-the-keen @mrsmckenziesworld @paisleylovergirl @iplaydrake @sinclaire-made-me-sin @sibella-plays-choices @hazah 

[jawnjendes]

mystery | shawn mendes

oof its been a while since ive written anything.

university au, shawn x goth gf

~2k words

masterlist | series playlist

~

“You're really mysterious, you know that?” Shawn smiled as he placed his hand on the shoulder of my driver's seat.

It was only endearing because it came from him, my boyfriend of 2 months. Anyone else who pointed out my reserved nature was blacklisted in my mind. Apparently it's borderline offensive to not want to delve into personal details about your life.

I've always been a listener. An observer. An introvert. I guess I looked that way too from the lack of color in my wardrobe. How would I end up with someone like Shawn, right?

He had a lot to talk about. He had a lot going on in his life. From family, to work, to music, to university. He was not one to shy away from basic human interaction. The way his eyes lit up when he talked about things he was passionate about won me over. He had ambitions and goals and killer abs. So I decided to keep him around. I wasn't sure why he kept me around.

Shawn said he liked my silence. To him, it was something like a chase, and the moments where I did open up to him are worth it. Of course, he liked to poke fun at me and call me a hermit, but he's cute and my boyfriend, so I allowed it.

“It's kinda what you get for having a goth gf,” I responded meekly.

We had been driving around all night long. Shawn had asked if I was having fun, to which I replied a simple “yes.” A lack of run on sentences is what made Shawn compelled to say the thing I'm told everyday of my life. Maybe he thought I was supposed to be less tense now that some time had passed between us.

Where's that photo of Bruce Banner when you need it?

“Hey, I like this goth mystery you got going on,” he told me. “Makes me wanna turn goth too.”

I chuckled. “You're too much of an open book, my dear.”

“Seriously, though. We need to get deep.”

If this was a cartoon, my eyes would have widened out of their sockets and my heart would have pounded out of my chest. I mean I felt the effect, but as always, it was internal.

“Deep how?” I asked. “Like, you wanna share childhood traumas or something?”

“Yes, that's perfect!” Shawn sounded less sarcastic and more serious. “Just share whatever you want with the class.”

“You say that like I'm hiding something.”

The car slowed to a stop in front of an intersection. Shawn didn't say anything for a hot minute, which made me look at him.

“No, I don't think that,” he finally said. “I just need to know if you're still into this.”

What the fuck is happening? What is he trying to do?

“Well, yeah,” I told him. “We're here. On a date. Heading to your place right now.”

Shawn nodded. “You're not wrong. But what I mean is… you don't really talk a lot.”

Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Hey, I told you the riveting tale of my wisdom tooth removal.”

“Babe. You know what I mean. I don't know that much about your family, or where you come from. Past relationships, your friends back home.”

Haven't dated a guy who's an overthinker. Haven't dated a guy who actually wanted to know these things.

I'm just really shit at talking. And I have what my therapist calls a “wall” up.

I hesitated, watching the street light turn green. “Any other concerns?”

Shawn cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. His tone softened a little bit. “Do you still like me?”

“Of course I do. I mean, you'll definitely know that when we get to yours.” Dear god, please let that suffice.

~

It sufficed. Shawn was happy, for the night at least.

I felt happy too, I was just internally shoving it all into a bottle. Waking up next to Shawn made my cold, mysterious heart swell so much I thought I was going to puke up butterflies and glitter. No one needed to know that, though. I already spent the night with him.

We were still spooning by the time Shawn woke up. Even in his sleep he had a firm hold on me, so I couldn't plan an impulsive escape. Yeah, I wanted to escape.

He kissed my neck, but it didn't have the same affect it did last night. I just had my eyes hyper focused on my phone that was on the nightstand. This was a rare time I wanted someone to call me due to an emergency. Get me the fuck out of here.

“I have to go,” I said, my clear voice breaking the warm, hazy silence.

“No, stay,” Shawn mumbled, hugging my waist a little tighter.

“I have a work thing.” Not a lie, but it sure felt like one. Last night I planned to ditch the mandatory work luncheon. Thank god I didn't mention that plan out loud.

Luckily, Shawn knew how seriously I took my glamorous office job, so he let me go and rolled onto his back. I didn't look at him as I climbed out of bed and grabbed my clothes. Once I was in my shirt and underwear, I grabbed my phone from the nightstand. I had a new text from my manager, Stacy.

“Hey, sorry to be so last minute, but the luncheon had been moved to the same time tomorrow. See you then!”

Okay, now I was lying. Fuck.

“You have fun last night?” asked Shawn from the bed.

The sound of his sleepy, euphoric voice sent a chill down my spine. He really knows what he's doing, which is why I had to get out of here. Fool me once.

“Yeah,” I said shortly as I bent over to get my pants.

When I was fully dressed, I felt a pit in my stomach. I didn't really want to leave, but I already knew how this was going to play out. I didn't want this sick cycle to repeat itself again. I needed something to send me off.

I turned towards the bed and leaned down onto the mattress, now looking at Shawn. He was dozing off again, but awoke at my movements. He sat up on his elbow, smiling at me.

“You sure you don't wanna stay?” he offered.

“Can't skip work,” I replied. Then, I leaned in and kissed him on the mouth. I hadn't been so intoxicated since-

“Mm, text me, okay?” Shawn asked, to which I loosely promised.

As soon as I was in the car again, I pieced it together. How convenient was it that Shawn wanted emotional reassurance as we headed back to his place. Of course he played up being sensitive and wanting me to be open. He knew I wouldn't use words, so he made me think I was in control. In reality, I was being played like a Nintendo Switch. Of course he wanted me to text him. It was so he could have an excuse not to do it himself. Oh my god I got fucking played.

The only thing I knew what to do was to keep myself busy and away from my phone. If anyone could play the Silent Game, it was me. I was the ruling champion. I wasn't going to crack, no matter how much I wanted to.

Here I thought I had someone different. Someone actually nice. But jeez, men really are the worst. How many more times was this going to happen to me?

My fears were even more confirmed as the silence stretched into the night. I found myself going to bed alone and quite sad. At least last time I got played, I knew what I was getting into. Shame on me for thinking Shawn would be different.

But I was stronger now, and I knew better now. It was time to get a move on.

~

“You know,” I said, rubbing my hands together the way that I usually on these days, “it's one thing to use me and kick me to the curb. But he really thinks he can come back for for seconds. How arrogant and heartless must he be?”

I had spent the last thirty minutes getting my therapist, Callie, up to speed. I hadn't seen her in just over a month, so I told her about my night with Shawn and the silence that followed the last three days. She was good with validating phrases like “he did not!” but that was as far as it went.

“So he tried to contact you again?” Callie said as she wrote on her clipboard. “What did he say?”

It was embarrassing how quickly I had burned Shawn's text into my brain. Then again, I don't think I did that voluntarily.

“All he said was ‘hey I miss you.’” I folded my arms and rolled my eyes.

“Why do you seem upset by that?”

I opened my mouth to answer, but I didn't have one. “I… I wouldn't say upset…”

Callie nodded. “Okay, what word would you use? Disappointed? Disgruntled?”

“I don't know. When I saw the text, I just thought he wanted to hook up, and ignore me once again.”

She stopped writing for a second. “You know, from what you've told me about Shawn, he seems like the last person to want to hurt you like that. You told me you were in a relationship, right? It's not just a friends with benefits situation?”

I nodded. “Yeah, he asked me to be his girlfriend like, two months ago.”

“So where is this fear and distrust coming from?”

Fear. Distrust. Weariness. Tip toeing. No sudden moves just in case he changes his mind and doesn't tell me.

I sighed. “Luca.”

Callie already knew that, she just needed me to say it. “It came from your time with Luca. It was a very one sided and unhealthy relationship, so of course you would keep your guard up now. And since Shawn is the first person you've dated since Luca, it's a bit scary to make yourself vulnerable again.”

The words sank in for a minute. As soon as they were processed, I wanted to smack myself on the forehead. I'm a fucking idiot.

“Yeah…” The hand rubbing recommenced

“Have you told Shawn about Luca? Are you at that place where you can share those things?”

I shook my head. “No. I don't, I don't want him to think I'm hung up on someone, especially someone like Luca.”

“Yes, I see your point. However, I do think it would be good for Shawn to know why you're so-”

“Mysterious. He says that a lot. Everyone says that a lot.”

Callie smiled. “I was going to say closed off. It's important to share past experiences when you're ready.”

“I know he wants to know things about me, but I think my quiet self makes him think it's a game or something. It's fun for him. I think if I let him in and bare my soul he'll either get bored or freak out because I'm secretly crazy.”

“We don't say crazy,” Callie firmly reminded me.

“Anxious,” I corrected.

~

Being aware of your crap and overcoming your crap are 2 different things, as said by a wise lady on a hospital drama. I already got the awareness down, now I just had to suck up my pride and stubbornness in order to dump myself on Shawn's doorstep.

A week had gone by without much talk between us. It's hard to find a balance between staying interested and being clingy. Just the thought of that made me shake myself like I had to reboot my brain. I detested clinginess. It's not a dealbreaker, because it's basically inevitable. It was just my least favorite part of a relationship. I know, if I had a heart, it would just be a black hole. I don't know why Shawn chose me.

I let him know ahead of time that I was coming over. As always, he was excited and looking forward to it. I had to remind myself that this was a good thing. We are overcoming the crap now.

Obviously, I was nervous by the time I had pulled up in front of Shawn's place. I knew how to hold it down and remain composed, though. Part of what he liked was trying to read my face. At this point, I wasn't sure why, but I couldn't see myself going away because of it. I had plenty of things to say, I just needed Shawn to hear it.

I expected him to be broody and passive aggressive over the weeklong silence. Shawn was all smiles. He brought me some water. Sat me on the couch and draped me in a blanket. Everything seemed like it always was these last 2 months. It was strange territory. A guy being genuine and giving me non sexual attention was different.

Unless-

NO. SHUT UP.

“So what have you been up to?” I asked Shawn. “Feel like I haven't seen you in centuries.”

He chuckled and recalled his week. Shawn was a busy man. Turns out, he was catching up on coursework and picking up extra shifts at his job. Meanwhile, I made him think I was doing the exact same thing. Why? I don't know, my therapy sessions are once every 2 weeks. There's still a lot to unpack.

“Oh! I got a gig at this bar on Friday,” he told me with a nudge to my arm. “You should come.”

I would have been picking at my nails had I not been holding a glass of water. “Yeah, absolutely. I love watching you perform.”

“Awesome. It's a date.”

Oh thank god, we're still dating.

Unless-

OH MY GOD. SHUT UP.

“So…” I started with a big sigh. “I go to therapy.”

Shawn quirked his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Good segue. Long pause. Fuck. “Uh… I wanted to tell you because, uh… y'know, I share everything with my shrink. Like, everything.”

“Everything, eh? Including me?” A cute, boyish smile was creeping on his cute, boyish face.

I nodded, putting my glass down on the coffee table. “I talked about how I practically fled after we spent the night together. I talked about why I did that.”

The tiny smile disappeared from Shawn's face. He hadn't forgotten about that. Perhaps he didn't like my great escape.

“Yeah, why did you leave?” he asked softly.

My heart ached at his tone. To think I was so irrationally angry at him a week ago.

“I thought you only wanted one thing from me,” I admitted.

Shawn looked confused. “Why would you think that? We've been going out for two months, I don't understand. Did I do something?”

“No,” I told him. “It was never you. I just…” Ugh, words. I shifted around and started rubbing my hands together. Soul baring time. “It's… hard for me to believe that someone would want me for more than just my body. So I jumped through a lot of mental hoops to make myself think you were a person with bad intentions…”

“Why would you want to believe I wouldn't be good to you, though?” he asked.

I looked down at my hands. This was far too many emotions for me to share and feel at once. But he still didn't understand.

“Because…” I mumbled. “The guy who came before you wasn't good to me.”

“Oh…”

Dam. Burst.

“It's not sad at all,” I said quickly, fumbling with my fingers. “It's not as bad as you think. I never actually dated the guy, but I liked him so much that I just let him use me and toy with my feelings. I did whatever I could to keep him close...”

Shawn's big hands went over mine, calming my sporadic movements. He had a certain look on his face. He was listening, but careful not to speak out of turn.

“He and I never talked about feelings or anything,” I continued. “That wasn't a problem at first, because I don't talk about those things. But I never knew where anything was going and he never took me seriously whenever I tried to establish something with him. He acted like I was insane for trying to communicate. He would also ignore me for weeks at a time, and act like we never did anything. It drove me so crazy. I am a little crazy now because of him.”

I didn't realize I broke eye contact until the silence stretched a little too far. I looked back up at Shawn, nerves spilling out on the floor. I felt like such a mess.

“I gotta say,” Shawn spoke, “I've never heard you talk this much before.”

For a split second, I wanted to pummel him. But he offered a smile and squeezed my hands. The air wasn't that tense or awkward.

“But seriously,” he continued, “that helped me understand you a little better. I had no idea someone hurt you. You really liked him, eh?”

“Let me put it this way,” I said. “We never dated. But when I had enough and decided to cut him off, it hurt like a break up. It messed me up for a little bit. Intensified my anxiety issues.”

“I can’t believe someone treated you like that. You just seem so strong and unbreakable all of the time.”

“Well now you know what's behind the mystery. A crazy, nervous wreck.”

“Never would have guessed you were the nervous type.” Shawn kissed my hand. “I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad that guy is out of your life now.”

“Me too.” A stream of incoherent sounds were still building up in my throat. “I know I started the silent game, but we can't do that. We can't not talk to each other. I know I'm quiet, but it does more harm than good.”

Shawn smiled wide. “I am so down for basic communication. And just so you know, I didn’t want you to leave last week. I don’t ever want you to leave.”

My knee jerk reaction was to brush it off. Okay, sure. You don’t mean that. But I squeezed his hand, and let out more cheesy feelings.

“I don’t wanna leave either.”

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[maylovexhs]

Hi darlings! It’s May! So first thing first, THIS IS NOT AN IMAGINE OR UPDATE. ITS JUST ME TELLING MY EXPERIENCE ABOUT MY HARRY SHOW. YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ IT IF YOU WANT TO. I saw a bunch of people doing threads and posting about how wonderful their time is and I was like I want to do it! I, in no way am trying to show off or brag about it. I just want to post it here because I’m friendly with y’all and I’ll just have the story on here for safe keeping. So ignore if you want(I put the keep reading for that) but yeah here’s my concert experience. WARNING: BELOW THE CUT IS A LONG LONG LONG POST. ENJOY THE SHAKY VIDEOS AND MY ANNOYING VOICE. This all happened one month ago ughh procrastination is the devil

I WENT TO SEE HARRY FUCKING STYLES LIVE IN CONCERT NIGHT TWO MSG AND I BLEW A KISS AT HARRY AND HE BLEW A KISS BACK.

. . .

he knows I exist.

Harry Styles knows I goddamn exist.

okay, let’s me backtrack a day or two before my concert. Actually a week, shall we?

So, it’s a week before Harry’s shows in nyc and I’m at home in Brooklyn with no harry tickets for none of the nights because of course 1. Both nights are sold out 2. I couldn’t buy tickets online from strangers cause y’all ever heard of scams? So, I’m at home in misery cause all over my twitter all my mutuals are tweeting how excited they are to go and I’m like “fUcKiNg GrEaT!” I’m pretty sure I posted shit of me gloating on here. ANYWAYS FAST FORWARD TO JUNE 21st, 2018(Harry’s first night/show at msg) and I’m on my living rooms couch on twitter. AND I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS THE UNIVERSE SAYING ‘WE GOT YOU HONEY’ or just a coincidence but the first thing i See is on my timeline is a tweet from ticketmaster saying along the lines of “Due to miscounting . . . There are tickets available for Harry Styles at msg night two . . .SALE” and I . . .i can’t even explain how I felt. It was like destiny. Like “SIS YOU WERENT MEANT TO GET TICKETS A LONG TIME AGO YOURE SUPPOSED TO GET THEM NOW. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE” and I was like “fuck it! I’m going to see my mans in concert and I couldn’t care about how shitty the seats are. It’s Harry of all people” so, I download the Ticketmaster app and ask my mom and my chill ass mom is like ‘really? The day before? This is a sign. God must really want you to see harry” and I’m like “YES”. So I use my moms card(I payed her back after) and buy the two tickets. AND LET ME JUST SAY! THE TICKETS! I GOT LUCKY WITH THE TICKETS. My tickets were seat 8 and 9, row 7, section 113

DO YALL KNOW WHERE THAT IS? THATS RIGHT NEXT TO THE STAGE! THATS THE SIDE BACK OF THE STAGE. And remember Harry’s stage is 360 honeys so I was hyped up. Honestly I thought it’s row 7, it’s not like we are in front! It’s not like he’s gonna see us. I’m bringing this up later cause well, you’ll see. But just remember I’m row 7. So I print out my tickets and I text my friends “HOES GUESS WHAT?” And I immediately text my best friend emmy(her nickname) “BISH IDGAF ABOUT YOUR STRICT PARENTS I WILL DRAG AND SNEAK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR THIS WE AINT MISSING HARRY. WE AINT MISSING SEEING THE MAN IVE BEEN IN LOVE WIG SINCE 2012” and thank god her parents said yes. Emmy and I spent like the next two hours like “Oh let’s make a sign that’s says sing Shania Twain still the one Harry!” and we talked about “what should we do in the city tomorrow before Harry’s show?” Our show day was a very busy day for us. Ready? Let’s go!

So, in the morning I had a college orientation with Emmy and my other friend(I’m calling her Anna for privacy reasons). I arrived there early so from 9:15 am, Anna Emmy and I were learning about our college and making our schedule. We left around 12:30 pm. Emmy and I decided to leave for the city after but we had to pee first so THANK YOU ANNA FOR LIVING CLOSE TO COLLEGE AND ALLOWING US TO USE YOUR BATHROOM. GRACIAS. Oooooh, fun fact: June 22nd was also my graduation date but Emmy and I wasn’t going in the first place so YAY!

Anyways we said goodbye to Anna and we took the train to the city. We stopped at canal street and went to Greenwich village? Why? My friend Emmy is a huge fan of Justin Bieber and 5 Seconds of Summer so we were just like “fuck it! Let’s go hunting for them! Maybe today’s our lucky day” so we are in Greenwich which justin was spotted in but with our luck we couldn’t find him. We were like ‘oh well! Let’s just stroll around’ so we walk and GUESS WHICH APARTMENT BUILDING WE WERE ABOUT TO WALK PAST BY?

HARRY’S. WE WERE ABOUT TO PAST HARRYS APARTMENT. WE WERE ABOUT TO WALK WHERE HARRY WALK. IM TOO HEADASS FOR HIM(btw I don’t stalk him, I didn’t stand outside his building, his apartment address is publicly online and I did not mean to walk past his apartment, IT JUST HAPPENED) I take out my phone and tell emmy where we were and luckily I took a sneak picture low quality of the building. BUT EMMY! EMMY! She was like “I WANT A GOOD QUALITY PICTURE!” Emmy goes, takes a picture of the doors and the security guards give her a mean look from inside the building. And we are like “ABORT MISSION! ABORT!” Moving on, we’re like if we can’t find Justin, we’ll try 5 Seconds of Summer. And guess what? We can’t find them either! At this time it was like, 3 or 4 Pm? And I really need to sit down cause ya girl has no energy whatsoever. So we take the train and go to the area where msg is and we get pizza. Btw msg area is mad busy. Like really busy. Continuing, we finish our pizza. We go check out the outside of msg and I learn that we aren’t allowed in until 6 pm(I heard it from girls outside) And i’m like okay? So Emmy and I buy and get these pride flags and we go to wait and sit outside where the driveway is. So we wait there for like an hour hoping we see anyone but we don’t cause that’s out fucking luck. But we saw like a dressing bag like the ones where suit and dresses are carried in. We highly doubt it was Harry’s suit but hey? Oh and I took a picture right here

Anyways it 6, we go inside, get through scanning and while we are in line, everyone decided to airdrop one direction memes and of course I joined

We were let in at 6:45 pm and we were going to our section. By going, WE RAN. Literally we had to be stopped by a security guard to see our tickets. I’m getting off point but we get to our section and I’m expecting us to be in the middle cause it says row 7. And Emmy tells me we are in the second row and I was just like “??? Our ticket say row 7” and Emmy shows me that the section starts with row 6 and I was just like “BITCH WE’RE CLOSER THAN I THOUGHT. WE’RE ROW 2 ACTUALLY”. So we were seated between where Sarah and Adam was going to be. This was our view

Then we put our shit down, I went to get my harry merch(I got a shirt) and we sat there in our seats waiting for Kacey to start at 8:30 and KACEY IS SO CUTE YALL HAVE NO IDEA SHE IS THE YEEHAW QUEEN. I USUALLY DONT LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC BUT THIS SISTER GOT SOME TUNES. Here’s me singing along(eXcUsE my cringy premature voice I’m 19) I was going crazy during crazy

Then Kacey leaves and we gotta wait another 40 minutes for Harry. I kid you not the whole arena was singing Olivia by 1d even the security guard was shook af

As I was saying, we had to wait 40 minutes more for Harry so it was like 9:30 and FUCKING FINALLY HE COMES OUT AND I SWEAR EVERYONE LOST IT 

ONLY ANGEL STARTED TO PLAY AND EVERYONE WAS SCREAMING. HE WAS SHINING IN HIS GODDAMN CALVIN KLEIN BLUE SUIT AND ISTG I KEPT TELLING MYSELF “BLOW KISSES AT HARRY! BLOW KISSES AT HARRY” SO THIS BISH HARRY COMES TO OUR SECTION I BLOW A KISS AT HIM LIKE THIS AND IDK IF HE SAW ME BUT HE BLEW A KISS WITH HIS HAND TO OUR SECTION AND YES IT GOT CAUGHT ON FUCKING CAMERA HOES

I WAS FUCKING SHAKING. CAUSE I WAS CERTAIN DURING THE CHAIN HE BLEW A KISS BACK AND IF HE BLEW A KISS AT ME DURING ONLY ANGEL IT WOULD BE THE FIRST OF TWO my heart is racing just remembering it. I’ll continue. So he finishes only angel and he introduces himself and he’s so cute I can’t even

Then they play woman and someone threw a bra on stage and I was screaming inside

Then they play Carolina, Stockholm syndrome, Anna, esny, jalboyh and finally fucking MEDICINE. I was going crazy during medicine as we all should. Sarah and Adam were fucking ripping the song up and I couldn’t be more proud. Then Harry talked to the crowd more and THIS HOE CALLED THE BACK(aka us) HIS BEST FRIENDS AND IM JUST LIKE THANK YOU. Then they start to play meet me in the hallway and the goddamn back screen goes down, blocking us from seeing Harry perform the song. EMMY AND I KEPT SHOUTING DISRESPECT AND THE GIRLS IN FRONT OF US WERE LAUGHING. then he the screen lifted up again as he finished the song and he goes down the walk to the b stage with mitch. Mitch is so cute fam. And we could see him get a bunch of flowers and I’m like “it’s what he deserves”. So he’s on b stage now and he begins to sing sweet creature and iicf AND DURING IICF WE ALL HAD OUR FLASHLIGHTS ON IT WAS SO NICE AND LIKE HEAVEN. MY BABY HARRY STARTED TO TEAR UP DURING THE SONG AND I JUST WANTED TO HUG HIM. OOH AND WHILE THEY WERE ON B STAGE, SARAH ADAM AND CLARE WENT OFF THE MAIN STAGE. ADAM AND SARAH WERE TALKING OFF STAGE NEAR US I THINK I HAVE A VIDEO BUT ITS TOO DARK. BUT BASICALLY THEY WERE TALKING AND I GUESS IT WAS ABOUT HOW THEY WERE PLAYING CAUSE ADAM KEPT MAKING A GUITAR GESTURE AND ADAM HAD SUCH A GREAT SMILE AND SARAH WAS SO HAPPY So Harry and Mitch come back and they all play two ghosts and then wmyb 

They finish wmyb and Harry talks to the crowd. He talks to a fan who was visiting from another country and he’s like “what did you do here?!?” being all excited. Then he talks to the girl who came with “I AM WITH CHILD” sign and then we found out she lied and harry criticizes her and he’s like “WE’RE ALL TRYING!” and I couldn’t stop laughing. Emmy said she lost some brain cells during that part. So harry begins to talk about sign of the times and me and Emmy were like “let’s shout FUCK TRUMP out loud”. WE DIDNT. We didn’t have the chance to but WE TRIED. The girls in front of us were smiling and laughing at us. I blame Harry cause he kept on talking so he couldn’t hear it anyways. Anyways sign of the times plays and everyone has their flashlights on. IT WAS MAGICAL.

So harry and the band leaves to do something and I’m like “wtf u going” so I start to record and they go under the stage. I guess they were doing a photo down there but they come back on a minute later.

They perform from the dining table and I WAS SO SAD I WAS READY TO FIGHT WHOEVER HURT MY BABY. then from the dining table was over and Harry’s like “I’m gonna sing another song” AND I FUCKING TOLD EMMY “WATCH IT BE STILL THE ONE” and BITCH I WAS CORRECT. So he brings Kacey on

They start to sing still the one and I was in my emotions fam and Kacey wore the rainbow dress and I was like YES QUEEN AND THEY BOTH MADE SO MUCH EYECONTACT IT WAS SO CUTE. Then Kacey leaves and they start to play the chain and I was like HELL YEAH AND DURING THE CHAIN HARRY SAID “DAMCE LIKE NO ONE IS NEXT TO YOU. YOURE NOT GOING TO SEE THESE PEOPLE TOMORROW” AND THAT HIT ME AND EVERYONE ELSE AND I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD THE WHOLE ARENA WAS SHAKING LIKE I COULDNT EVEN STAND BECAUSE I WAS AVOUT TO FALL FROM THE AMOUNT OF JUMPING GOING ON AND THIS IS WAS WHEN HE BLEW A KISS AT ME. SO ITS LIKE THE END OF THE SONG AND HE COMES TO THE BACK AND IMMEDIATELY START TO BLOW KISSES AT HIM WITH BOTH HANDS LIKE BEFORE AND I WAS PRETTY SURE HE SAW ME BECAUSE HE BLEW A KISS WITH BOTH HANDS IN MY DIRECTION AND THEN HE DID THAT TO ALL TE OTHER SECTIONS. BITCH I WAS SHAKING.

The chain ends and they start to play kiwi and I get sad af because I know it’s the last song and harrrys like “this is the last song” and inside I’m like “I KNOW HOE DONT RUB IT IN MY FACE” I have to applaud miss Sarah jones whose fucking drumming was amazing. She fuckingkilled it. Kiwi plays and everyone was losing their shit having the times of their lives and then in the middle of kiwi some girl splashed Harry with water and he sings “YOURE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT” HE GOES STRAIGHT SAVAGE AND SOAKS HER AND EVERYONE AROUND. kiwi finishes and Harry does the whale water spit and oh my god it was ICONIC AF. Harry leaves first then the rest of the band and I was just standing there like SHIT. Emmy had to drag me out. I felt wasted after the concert IT WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. LET ME JUST TELL YOU IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO SEE HARRY LIVE GO FOR IT DONT MISS YA CHANCE. A WHOLE DIFFERENT SIDE OF ME EMERGED THAT NIGHT SO THANK YOU HAROLD I HAD PROBABKY THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE THANKS TO YOU. EMMY AND I GOT TO DANCE WITH OUR PRIDE FLAGS AND WERE SO HAPPY. HARRY MAKES HIS SHOWS SO WELCOMING AND HAPPY. MISS CLARE IS SO CUTE. MITCH AND SARAH ARE SUCH PARENTS AND ADAM IS SUXH A GREAT FRIENDLY PERSON I MISS THEM SO MUCH THATS IT I MISS MY CONCERT SO MUCH I CRY

ALL PHOTO AND VIDEOS ARE CREDITED TO ME AND MY FRIENDS. DONT STEAL. I’ll post the full versions of the videos i have on my twitter. TUMBLR IS A DICK FOR ONLY ALLOWING GIFS of them. 

Btw should I also write about my 5sos iheartradio experience and seeing Harry at the Dunkirk premiere? Tell me if ya want to know byeeee

[zarzarzarzarzar]

Dearest bobs, So when I was little, very little, you sang those words to me as a lullaby and I pretended to be asleep so I could listen. Close your eyes and I'll kiss you Tomorrow I'll miss you Remember I'll always be true And then while I'm away I'll write home every day And I'll send all my loving to you I started crying but was trying to hide it. I thought you were telling me you were leaving and those were your goodbyes. I remember you then giggling while asking, "are you crying?" And when I said yeah and you asked why, I told you what I was thinking. You then told me, "it's just a song and that I'll never leave you." I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write to you. I wasn't sure how to properly portray how I'm handling everything. On the eve of the vernal equinox, one of my seven favorite days of the year, you left the metaphysical world, the near shore, and I've been dreading this day since the first time I was told you had cancer. At the time, you told me not to worry, nothing could take you from me. I believed you and remembered what you had told me from that one lullaby. Nothing would ever tear my mother away from me. The love you give us is eternal and no matter what, you are here. You were given only a few months to live, yet I did not understand or even remotely grasp that you were already diagnosed with stage iv cancer. I actually didn't know this until the day you left. Mere weeks later, you had your first operation, which I thought nothing at all of. My mom is invincible, she promised nothing could ever tear us apart, so nothing ever will. Post operation, in my eyes, life continued as if nothing happened. You survived and pressed on, so I pressed on as well. Little did any of us know, in 2009, you were to have your second operation. What was supposed to be a two hour operation turned into a 13 hour one, if I recall correctly. That was third time in my life had I seen Daddy cry. It taught me that life is truly malleable and beliefs are no different. I believed my parents were the strongest ever. My father rarely cried and my mom could beat anything life threw at her. My mom is invincible, she promised nothing could ever tear us apart, so nothing ever will. In 2013, my sisters sat me down with you and expressed the next challenge of our lives. You were diagnosed yet again. The main difference is this time you were told if surgery was not accepted, chances were that you were not to survive past 2-3 months. You basically said, “BET” and chose a naturopathic course of recovery. You told me nothing could ever stop you from raising your baby boy. My mom is invincible, she promised nothing could ever tear us apart, so nothing ever will. In late 2016 to 2017, you were diagnosed yet again and told you wouldn't make it to see your middle child's wedding at the end of 2017. In October of 2017, we did nothing but celebrate the union of my older sister and my obviously to be brother-in-law. We spent almost two whole weeks in Hawaii, which you were even surprised with when my sisters booked you and pops with a vow renewal. On the way to the wedding itself, I pretended to fall asleep on your shoulder. Someone pointed me out to you and these words will forever echo in my mind, “he will always be the baby boy.” I took that as you'd be here forever because well... My mom is invincible, she promised nothing could ever tear us apart, so nothing ever will. February 2018, you were diagnosed yet again. I went with you to your appointments one day to try to make it any amounts of easier for you. That was the first time I ever personally heard a time frame in which you may or may not pass away in. I couldn't handle it but you just looked at me and said, “don't cry, big.” I then remembered what you told me 14 years ago, to not worry because nothing could take you from me. My mom is invincible, she promised nothing could ever tear us apart, so nothing ever will. Last Monday, while at work, I got a call to rush to the hospital because you were having difficulty breathing. I left work and one of the first things we were told was possibly 24 hours remain. I was heartbroken as was everyone else. Family and friends from all over came to visit over the next couple days, because once again, you defied what any doctor has ever said about you passing away. You then asked for no more visitors and gave the family a week of selfish time with just you and we spent every minute we could together. I was worried that our goodbyes were coming any moment. My mom is invincible, she promised nothing could ever tear us apart, so nothing ever will. This past Monday, it was exactly 9 years since you came home from the hospital from the second operation. I was so excited to see you back at home when I got off, yet while I was at work, I got another call to come home immediately. I felt it. I felt you wanted to say your goodbyes. I rushed home yet you were already sleeping. I had hopes you would wake up just for a second when you heard my voice so I could hear you say goodbye one last time. Ates then told me you made a video for me. I'm sorry I haven't watched it yet, I'm not ready. I sat by your bed for the following hours waiting for you to wake up, but as they passed, I braced myself for your final breaths. I laid my head on yours waiting and cherishing every single breath you took. Splash came home, barked twice at you, and minutes later you opened your eyes, took a deep breath, released, and let go. Two minutes later, you took the true final breath and a wave of relief rushed over me. You are no longer suffering, no more worries of how much pain you're in, none of the negative emotions. I'm so happy for you. I could not be any more proud of the battle you put out. You're incredible, you taught me everything about how to be the best person I could be, gave me everything I've ever wanted, there's so much I could say. I'll write another letter to you, a much happier one, but I want you to remember that my mom is invincible, she promised nothing could ever tear us apart, so nothing ever will. I love you more than a whale loves its spout, There are no such things as goodbyes because you'll always be with me.

[sokuly]

Things about top surgery (will be a long post; hang on and read whatever topic you need)

I had a double incision mastectomy with free nipple grafts with Dr. Daniel Medalie on May 18, 2017. Here’s just some things I personally have experienced that may help others pursuing top surgery, wether or not it’s with Dr. Medalie. Before scheduling: I got into contact with Valerie, his receptionist. She’s very helpful and will try to answer any questions you might have. I live about 2 hours away from Cleveland, so it was up to me if I wanted an in person consult or just over email. I got my therapist letter and photos of my chest ready and sent out. Photos via email. The consult was $60. When I heard back, he signed off on my therapist note, and told me I was borderline for either surgery; peri vs double incision. He said he would need to see me in person to make that call, but it could wait until the day of surgery. I wanted to know what to prepare for so I went to Cleveland about 2 weeks after. I was not charged for this in person meeting. He told me he could do peri if I was concerned about the scars that DI would give, but he would prefer DI as he was worried about the extra skin. Ultimately it was my choice. I was hoping for so long I could get peri and not have scars. However, I wanted the most aesthetically appealing option. I didn’t want extra skin. I didn’t want “unknown” nipple landing, especially with the extra skin. I made my decision of DI, based on Dr. Medalie having more control of nipple placement, contour, and removal of the extra skin. I got home and pondered when to schedule. Before surgery: I scheduled about 2 months prior, and was hoping for a Friday date, but was told he doesn’t operate on Fridays so I took the Thursday, which was fine with me. I think it was about a $250 deposit to schedule. In those 2 months, it was more of me focusing on work and not really thinking of surgery, except applying for CareCredit. About a month out, my fiancé and I started putting some things together for the trip to Cleveland: food, post op care (light food like crackers, blankets, clothing, etc.), money, who’s taking care of the cats while we’re gone, and so on. We stayed at a Super 8 in Beachwood, OH (it’s like 10 minutes away from the surgery center and his office). We went to Cleveland the day before my surgery. On our way, the surgery center called to confirm my appointment, 9:15am and to arrive an hour early. We got to the hotel around 2:30-3:00pm. My grandparents and dad also came with us, different hotel room. They bought dinner. I couldn’t stop pacing. It was hard to get to sleep. Day of: I naturally woke up way before my alarm, but continued to force myself back to sleep; it was the last time I could curl up and cuddle with my fiancé for a while. I needed that time. But I also couldn’t hold still for anything. We got up, I got comfy clothes on (red athletic shorts and a purple button down flannel. I looked fantastic, trust me), and continued to pace. We headed for the surgery center at about 7:45. The things we took to the center: a comfort blanket (literally any blanket you really like), a pillow, and my post op vest (this is important!). We got there, I got all checked in and paid my fees. I sat down for like… 2 minutes and was called back. Usual questions, urine sample (which was collected in a styrofoam cup??), got told to strip down except for underwear. Which I wasn’t wearing. So that was awkward but whatever. Put on the gown and surgery socks. Nurse took me to my bed and kept asking if I was cold. Honestly I was burning up. She said that’s pretty usual, we come in burning up and leave freezing. She got everything ready to start my IV. She numbed the area, commented on how nice my veins are, stuck me and blew the vein. I warned her that my veins don’t take nicely to IV needles. She profusely apologized and felt so bad about it. I kept telling her it was fine and I was expecting it to happen the first time. Second numbing, second stick, worked. More apologizing. She went and got my grandparents first. Saw the anesthesiologist. Grandparents left and my dad and fiancé came back to see me. Dr. Medalie came back, drew on me, talked a bit, was on his way. Anesthesiologist came back, he was an odd but funny guy. Maybe I just get his sense of humor. We talked a bit, his nurse came with him and started doing her thing. Anti-nausea via IV, another anti-nausea medicine via patch behind the ear (I usually get really sick from anesthesia). And then some relaxing medicine. I was so out of it when it hit, I don’t remember much. Wheeled back to the OR and remember them having some issue with my left arm board. Then I was in recovery. Dad told me to wake up and I flipped him off. I asked the nurse for water. And then to pee. And then for a warm blanket. I was surprisingly mobile and awake for just coming out of anesthesia. The nurse helped me get dressed and sat me in a chair while my discharge was being approved and they showed my fiancé how to empty my drains. My fiancé went to get her car and the nurse loaded me up, pillow behind my back and seat leaned back a bit and even put my blanket over me after getting my seatbelt on. Got back to the hotel, dad watched over me while my fiancé went to get my prescriptions. She got back, I took a pill, I slept most of that day. My waking moments were spent snacking on crackers, my drains being emptied, peeing, and watching The Weather Channel. It was the only thing on TV I could focus on. Until I passed back out. The following days in Cleveland: Drains being emptied, peeing, Weather Channel, Percocet, crackers, Powerade. I got up sometime Friday evening and went for a short walk with my fiancé. Sleeping post op in the hotel I was in a chair that had a footrest. YOU WILL NEED YOUR OWN SPACE TO SLEEP. My body pillow was perfect under my feet since the footrest was JUST too low for me. Had a pillow under my back, decently sized light blanket over me. I sleep hot, so we just brought a light blanket from home so I wouldn’t overheat, plus a comfort thing. We left Cleveland Saturday morning. Back home: I was still sleeping in a recliner. Body pillow next to me for one arm and a pile of blankets for the other. Again light blanket. We brought the recliner to the bedroom before we left home so my fiancé could have the bed while also being there if I needed anything in the middle of the night. Still emptying drains. May 23, 2017 Goodbye drains: My post op appointment. Take your narcotic about an hour before your appointment or before you go! Being on the road isn’t exactly comfortable. Plus it helps with whatever pain you have during the drain removal. I had to pee by time we got there so I went and then was in the room with his nurse Mary and my fiancé. Mary is really cool and pretty funny. Mary opened my vest and the feeling of being able to breathe was shocking. I didn’t realize it was that tight. Off came the foam (and probably all of my chest hair) and I could see my chest for the first time post op! Seeing my chest: After the foam was off, I looked down and the first thing out of my mouth was “oh. Woah. They’re gone”. Nothing can really prepare you for your reaction. I thought I was going to be over the moon and happy crying like the other guys who posted their reveal videos. But I wasn’t. There was this relief. Realization that I closed a chapter on a part of my life and this new one just started. I was happy, but not how it was going to happen in my head for so long. It was just pure relief. It was flatter than I thought (later to realize it was just from all the compression). A lot less “I got hit by a train” than I thought too. Dr. Medalie came in after my drains were pulled (will be discussed soon) and basically said I looked perfect and was good to go. My next 10 days: I’m a day away from day 10 post post-op (a day shy of 2 weeks post op) at the time of writing this. I was still sleeping in my recliner for a while and just got back into bed a few nights ago, surrounded by pillows and blankets to keep me from rolling. My mobility has greatly improved over the past few days. I take ibuprofen for any pain. I use ice packs when I’m really sore. I take dressing changes seriously since it’s a short time I can breathe and move. After tomorrow the steri-strips come off and I’m done with this compression vest. I can soak in a bath as long has my chest is above water. I use a cup to wet and rinse my upper body and hair. I use baby soap. I’ve been able to finally lay on my side with great care in the past like 2-3 days. Take it slow! Let’s talk drains: They absolutely suck. I’m pretty sure it was the worst thing about this whole process. They’re annoying. They’re weird. They hurt sometimes. I was so happy to finally get them out. Which is also a very odd feeling. It kinda pinches, kinda burns, kinda hurts. I don’t know how to really explain it. My left one actually hurt coming out, but I had armpit hair caught up in the suture and all that. Take the narcotic before you get them out. I was told to do that, and I’m glad I did. How about those nips: They’ll look really weird at first. Like ghost nips. Do the dressings EXACTLY as Mary tells you. You don’t wanna lose them. My nips are starting to scab, blister, and peel. THIS IS NORMAL. Just keep them dressed as explained by Mary and the paperwork she gives you. I have limited feeling in mine; I can feel the outer edges but not much on the inside. It’s really weird, but also normal. Not about nips but: as your chest hair grows back (they shaved my chest) it’s going to itch like no other. Things I’m glad to have/have had: Pillow(s), comfortable blankets, laxatives!!! (MILK OF MAGNESIA. Do yourself a favor and get it), ibuprofen, Gatorade/Powerade, slightly heavier blanket for my chest (in case the fur kids wanted to love on me), body pillow, open front shirts (get a few cheap shirts/tank tops and cut them open in the front)

To keep from stupid long posts in the future I’ll update more regularly. Thanks for reading and I hope it helps! Any questions, please ask!

[dandystones]

Yes means no.

***There are two parts to this long ass post because I didn't realise I had so much to say oops***

Setting boundaries, I recently learnt I've been terrible at that for most of my life.

I hate when people tell me what to do, to the point I'd do the exact opposite, but I always wanted validation. I sought it from everyone and their mothers because I never got it from myself.

The internet seems to talk a big game about how the universe will keep on sending you lessons in all it's glorious forms if we don't pick up on it; like how we always encounter the same toxic people and relationships, one after another.

It's funny when I recall them now.

***PART 1***

I like to think I've been very blessed when it came to friendship. All through my life, I've always felt that I made friends easily and had plenty of platonic support. However at different stages of my life, I've also noticed that despite all the good friends I surrounded myself with, I've always had that one person in my life who was just a little too self absorbed, borderline narcisstic and treaded way too close for comfort.

For reference, I'm going to list some people but not their whole names: my mum >> X >> O >> H >> C

The most coincidental thing I've come to realise is 1) that each person had a specific time in my life where they rose to prominence, or in other words, where they suffocated me the most 2) the end of each 'stage of prominence' was the start of the next. For example, when I thought I'd finally stepped out of my mum's narcissistic shadow, X stepped and morphed into that narcisstic figure until I'd decided it was time to cut ties. Around the same time, I met O and she slowly morphed into that person.

Continously, I realise I've always had that one presence in my life and each person would stay for many years until a breaking point, after which I would draw the line and keep my distance. As a rough estimate, I took about 25 years to understand that this exhausting cycle of going through toxic loved one after another is simply a lesson of setting boundaries.

I came to this realization in the past 6-12 months because I was having a particular hard time adjusting at work and it was really tough to master the art of stakeholder management. I won't say I'm an expert now, but I've gotten much better at putting my foot down and helping people to understand how their basic (read: brainless) actions are making my job unnecessarily difficult and defying my work ethics. I started to understand the importance of setting my own boundaries because we can never assume anyone would know them if we don't speak it.

Around the same time, I noticed the last person in this cycle, C had started to transition out of her role as the narcisstic shadow in my life entirely on her own. I've never had that happen to me without having to ruthlessly cut ties before. It's like something just clicked. On hindsight, the lesson just made sense and perhaps because I understand what it is now, there was no longer a need for the lesson to remain.

I always thought I was good at saying no to people, because I didn't care what they think which is true for the most part, I don't care what strangers think. What I came to realise about myself was that I needed help saying no to non strangers, people I care about, the people I need in my life.

***PART 2***

The word 'no' carried too much grief and associated history with abuse and neglect. My parents never made it easy for me growing up; affection was a competition between myself and both my younger sisters. My father could never find balance at work, so he overcompensated by trying to take control of everything at home. Nothing I said nor did could ever please him, he was always angry about the tiniest thing.

Everything was someone else's fault; between denying me any help with school work because I didn't go to a school of his choice and completely beating my self esteem down because I dare ask him for any help to a seemingly insignificant act like him accidentally stepping on my toes at the supermarket, he would twist and mold all my words until they made him looked like a hero in his own fantasy, that I was beneath him, and that everything bad that happened in his life was my fault and no one else's.

You couldn't fight him with reason even if you tried to, because he wasn't fighting for anything, he just wanted to win and he would say anything to wear you down. Every night would end in the same way, a disgustingly heated verbal mess between him, myself and my mom; abuse of any kind is simply the cheap power you get when you destroy people for the sake of your ego.

My mum was completely helpless in that regard, she stayed the hell out of his way whenever he had an outburst, even if it meant leaving me to fend for myself. I refused to back down from the injustice and his words dug its claws deeper in my gut, every quarrel we had made me sick with anger because no matter how hard I tried to defend myself, every takeaway was how each of his mistakes were the result of my failures even if it had nothing to do with it.

This went on for years. I knew I couldn't run away because I was underage, financially unstable and still needed a roof above my head. I felt absolutely helpless and remember crying myself to sleep all the time, praying to God to take me away - away from here, away from being the family's punching bag, away to another universe where parents actually protected their children, built them up and supported them.

Growing up in an environment where your survival thrived from avoiding all the stressors that could result in rage meant that I became extremely cautious in expressing my needs and opinions out of a fear of of displeasing my parents. Every subsequent outburst was a slap in the face, a painful reminder of how abandoned and unsupported I was in this family.

This led to a series of bad behaviors where I was desperate to please and longed for a life devoid of rejection. For the parts of myself who had endured so much neglect, I just couldn't bare the same devastation over again. Putting myself second and others first was easy as long as they were happy. I had this belief that if I accidently let myself be honest, people wouldn't accept me and I couldn't risk letting my guard down again.

Over time, I started saying yes to everything I wanted to say no to. Yes means no, no came with a '... but I'll do this for you instead' to overcompensate my fear. Slowly but surely, I became exhausted from pleasing people all the time. I said yes to social events I didn't care to be at, I patiently listened to every word of every person who needed me even if they didn't care to be there for me, I helped every toxic person who saw an opportunity to exploit my time and kindness. Without realizing, I was unnecessarily deriving a form of validation from being a yes-girl, I didn't know how to say no. Beyond that I'd lost my sense of self because I didn't know if anyone would care about me if I stopped doing all these things.

This obviously manifested in many unhealthy coping mechanisms and constantly wanting to be alone because I felt that everyone around me wanted something from me I couldn't give. It became a toxic cycle of self harm, feeling absolutely hopeless and finding sick joy in dreaming about the many different ways to end my life. At age 17, I've never felt more alone.

Ive had to see a counsellor for prolonged periods of my life and thisemotional abuse was one of the key moments that contributed to it.

Recovery was one hella of a slippery slope and had relapsed so many times I've lost count. I was convinced my abuse had rewired my body's ability to understand what love was, all I felt was the fire of resentment, burning my insides with the anxiety of having to live out the rest of my life in a bubble of 'my mistakes'.

Through my counsellor, we had to un-learnt the act of being too harsh of myself, as a result of the years I spent projecting my dad's expectations on myself. Rewiring your brain to calm itself down when you're triggered is difficult but not impossible. There were many scenarios where I became aware of the fact that the voice in my head mimicked my dad's in giving all but bone crushing criticism, guilt tripping my every move and spiralling myself into depression again.

Re-learning the notion of 'giving myself to others' whilst being 'unapologetically myself' was interesting and refreshing. Mostly, my subconscious got better at unlearning the act of constantly censoring myself for the sake of others; how to live freely & become a more honest version of myself regardless of the people around me. Not in any manner that might be of harm to others though, just in a way that allows me to stop relying on other people’s validation to keep my spirits lifted.

Every relapse back then sunk me into my depression, harder. Looking back now, I'm glad I didn't give up even though the chance was present and tempting every step of the way. Everyday still feels like a challenge, but I get it now when people say it gets easier