#and ive got exams in 2 weeks
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Hi I'm alive and well (⌐■_■)
#strays au#strays!au#undertale#undertale au#undertale oc#larissa cadfael#flowey#stray!flowey#digital art#digital illustration#my art#stoukaart#school has been kicking my ass#and ive got exams in 2 weeks
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mnemonic (slight flash warning)
#clemart#ttcc#toontown corporate clash#mac opsys#first exam week is almost done free me.... i got a majority of my assignments finished before friday so i figured id spend some time drawin#because i havent dont an actual piece in 2+ weeks and im getitng withdrawls#drawing addicts be like: just one more drawing#ive been listening to intervals lately so i figured id draw something using the colors of one of the visualizers#heh its funny bc im going over intervals (math) in my calc class
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I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.
#not dislike. its hate#it made me cry several times today#thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers#and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING#its so painful to think of it#today I broke down in the bus and cried#idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside#maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams#the thing is that:#we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days#this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc)#and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste#*m)#my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise)#PLUS#the most provocating messages from the teacher:#“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH”#💔#seriously#this breaks my heart#dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?!#why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality.#& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results.#once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing:#“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰”#you get it?#no- this peoson didnt learn.#no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons#AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them*#[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔
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done with classes for the semester 👍
#ive been finishing my lab reports and research assignments lately#got a good 2/3 weeks to relax then the dreaded exams in january...#and more report writing#next legacy post is dialogue but the last#thing i wanna do is write or think 😴#how is everyone doing?#gameplay update#rambles
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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MOTHERFUCKERS I AM GOING TO SURVIVE THE WEEK FROM HELL 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
#officially past the half way point in exams#got rejected from the job i interviewed for on Tuesday which is a pain because ive wasted so much revision time on job applications#hmmmm#but i have my 5th exam of the week tomorrow and thank fod#its the easiest of the lot because im so tired#then 3 days to prepare for an exam on Tuesday which could be a bit of a disaster tbh but that's what these three days are for#and then nearly 2 weeks until the nightmare exam from hell which i hate but have time to sort out hopefully#oh my god i can't wait for this to be over#im at that point in a Mentor Pilot video where he goes 'and now things are going to start happening really quickly'#(about the critical moment in a plane crash where things often go wrong/ get out of control very quickly)#but the plane is still in the air i still getting it done#not fantastically but its getting done all the same#rambles
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IM SO COOOOOKED
#midterm tomorrow morning its got 6 weeks worth of content its 1:30am rn and I'm on like slide 2 of week 1#i CANT LOCK IN i keep going on my phone#tell me why i was on pinterest looking at room inspo when ive got not funds to change how my room looks like Please this isnt the time#maybe posting this will force me to work#i also have to present right after the midterm and i did manage to practice for that so i havent been Completely useless#but this exam is gonna be kinda hard too like i Need to study i cant bs it
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This is a start, anyway. Lots of research and work ahead.
#still unsure what i can do when adhd brain doesnt let me do my hobbies in the little free time i have#but in the other hand if i can be sure that if i got a health insurance plan thru the ACA on the state market#that it would still cover me even if the ACA gets slashed - including thru the following enrollment period (that they wont be able to drop#me due to 'preexisting condition'. then i can leave my job and have a lot more time to be active and involved with this stuff.)#like I'm gonna do what i can anywY and I'm not gonna assume i cant do anything bc i have a strong motivation w this so adhd brain might be#chill w letting me do something#it feels like theres no time left tho but I'm trying to ignore that#but i just got my work schedule for Thanksgiving week and between the wk before and wk of I'm working 7 days straight. bc I'm dumb and#volunteered to be the one to work on Thanksgiving Day (why. bc i didnt want to make the 60+ yr old do 7+ days in a row or the 20-yr old.)#(shouldve asked if the kid was willing tho tbh. I'm gonna be burned tf out so badly.)#and i shouldve asked for the rest of the week off tbh but only got the 29th and 30th off. boo.#anyway abd then its december and we're gonna be busy busy with stupid Xmas stuff plants decor etc...#I'm just. worried I'll blink and itll be january.#but lets try lets do..something somehow#id like to find a way to squeeze the eye dr. vaccines. and dental extractions and healing time in before January#as well as getting involved in this stuff#and trying to overcome my intense social anxiety to do so#and looking into health insurance stuff#and RESTING too. need to do that. somehow.#but my whole November is booked now bc of work.#id love a 4 day workweek instead of 5 at least tbh but cant be floral specialist if I'm not full time amd cant stay on the insurance thru#work if I'm not fulltime either#and somehwere in the midst is...thanksgiving hah. and hanukkah which is Very important especially noe#now*#one story of hanukkah is of a small group fighting back against oppressors and succeeding#so.#idk where I'm going with this. but this day off is half over and.. i did this list thing yesterday actually but added to it today.#today ive also...devoured all current pages of a miraculous ladybug fancomic. put up one load of laundry. and opened the door#dor some fresh air and commection grounding etc..#i should call the eye dr guy so i can get a basic eye exam sooner than later and get new lenses ordered bc my glasses are at least 2 yrs ood
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sleepy and v fed up w this blasted reading for japanese history class tomorrow. give me 45 minutes to finish this article and i will be back to talk about kissing or something
#for the blissfully uninitiated: hello i am history student#which is a fantastic thing to be but also a significant pain in the [REDACTED] when it wants to be#the professor for this class is almost unbearably terrible which does not exactly make me WANT to do this reading#but the exam is in like 2 weeks lol#so yk. i have the hardest life of anyone on earth etc etc#god forbid i actually do the degree i asked to do lmao#also i up early this morning to drag myself to the immigration bureau for a visa amendment#which meant a decidedly unpleasant hour on the metro during rush hour :(#its bc im applying for this english TA position in spring#its literally only for 5 days and tbh i wouldn't mind doing it for free bc i am sad like that and enjoy teaching for fun#but it IS paid - and paid work is Not Allowed under my student visa#so even though i literally have not even GOT the job (applications close today) i still had to go and apply for permission to work#watch as they dont hire me lol#oh i should mention - for those who may not know i am in tokyo this year#i am british and i usually go to uni in the uk but im on a study abroad year this year#i came to japan in sept of 2023 so ive been here for coming up on 5 months and i will be going back home in august on 2024#its weird to think that im approaching the halfway point#tbh i should really just make this a separate post but whatever#coming to japan has been very strange but a good thing i think
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*crawling from debris bloody and breathless with tears in my eyes* hrrngh. my. my assignments. they are completed
#IM FUCKING DONE#I BARELY DID ANYTHING TODAY TBH BC WE'D BASICALLY DONE THE GROUP PROJECT#BUT STILL EVEN JUST THE KNOWLEDGE OF AN ASSIGNMENT IS ENOUGH TO DAMPEN THE MOOD#FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU#BUT IM FREE NOW#FOR A FEW WEEKS AND THEN IT'S SUMMER EXAM SEASON BUT WHO CARES#WRITING TIME BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#gonna do a little to-do list here:#1. taob ch42#2. TAMS PLOT OUTLINE (fun thing about tams is while literally ALL of my other wips are outlined basically minute-by-minute#like the level of detail i put into the outline before even writing a single sentence is INSANE#tams just doesnt have an outline. ive just got bullet points of Main Scenes that are happening so i at least know plot twists#and things like that#but everything in-between is just me freestyling lmfao#BUT ive recently had some superrrr good plot ideas so i think im gonna properly do her outline now#bc tams is turning out wayyyyy better than anticipated like it intially was a fun little passion project#but now it's like 'oh shit you could Be Something'.#ANYWAY)#3. tams ch5 and respond to ch4 comments/asks#FUN :))))#taob is the only one i TECHNICALLY need done by the end of march but it's nice having 'deadlines' for things i actually enjoy#also my flatmate's OLD flatmate (V) who i saw a lot last year bc i basically just invaded their flat every single day#like i was there ALL THE TIME their flat was the main base of operations#so even though V was just 'my friend's flatmate' he still became my friend on his own and joined our pres a lot etc etc#and his girlfriend visits from the next city over a lot and she's genuinely the loml i really like her#but obvs since they all moved out of that flat for second year i literally HAVENT SEEN V OR HIS GIRLFRIEND SINCE#BUT THEYRE COMING TO OURS FOR SOME DRINKS TONIGHT <333 we're literally just gonna catch up and play wii#and today is also my friend's bday so tomorrow our main group is going for bottomless brunch#AND i decided to be the bigger person with the other flatmate that i fell out with#so we're both fine again now and it's lifted more of a weight off me than i realised <3
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the process of applying for a job with the city takes an insane amount of time that i'm confused as to how they expect people to be able to wait? like its so annoying
#apply in early may. take a exam early june#get the result 2 weeks later (a week late) be told theyre still finalizing dates for the next step#actually it was 3 weeks later that i got my result the 2 weeks was the “at most” estimate we were given#half a week has passed with no updates#i supposedly have an interview lined up for next week but the application was through an “ai chatbot” so idk#hate that theyre using this now like ive had to do several applications thru these chatbots
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Pmdd is actively fucking ruining my life fuck fuck this shittt
Why do I have to live with the consequences of things I do when I'm like this and why do i only get one good week a month if I'm lucky
#ive messed up really bad bc now my teacher just thinks im making excuses when i want to explain everything and why its not so easy for me#well i didnt say anything but i said i will send her an email and i left in a hurry so now shes worried abojt what it is im going to say#its related to when i was posting about how i tried to be truthful about the situation but again it was only half#and i dont have an official diagnosis i havent beem abck for a checkup yet fuck this#i left in a hurry and now im in bed i didnt mean to but my default is reaction is flight and i had to get out#this whole day i thought i was going to die the anxiety got so bad i almost cried at lunch arghhhh#tldr i deleted a bunch of work when i got too overwhelmed and just wanted to see it again and now deadline is wednesday#i dont have time for this my exams start in 2 weeks#and i got my period this morning#i need to kill someone why do people not understand the difference between an excuse and an explanation when im literally trying my best to#be honest here#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#pmdd posting#lasar being incoherent
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theres some fucken crazy days/weeks ahead of me. let's go motherfucker (ig)
#got a group presentation due to monday an essay due to sunday both of which i only today and am not really sure how to go about#then sat is my 18th bday and ive got an online class and then that night im going to a party and then like 7 hrs later meeting my mother#at a cafe and im gonna come out to her and also get an appointment to a gender clinic#and then next week ive got a test on a subject whose lectures ive never even been at cos the lecturer is unbearable#and then on the last week of march i have no classes but one exam for which im not ready at all#but the rest of the week ill use for the gender appointments which are. at a different city#and then ill come back and can start transitioning and change my docs. cant believe im so fucking close#and then i have another 2 weeks to write an intro for my research paper (should actually start sooner than that)#im hyped but also so worried#the months w the exams are always so crazy#evgesha's thoughts
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Getting absolutely nasty to Mumford & Sons in the club
#wilder mind was actually a great album#no stomp and holler here just some shitty rock with good beats#You can be every little thing you want nobody to know and you can try to drown out the street below and you can call ? if you waaaaaannttttt#also the club = my living room#got a lil drunk so reading fanfic and hanging out with my cat#as you do#nothing tragic happened at work today#personally at least. for some people it was ofc#but for me it was a decent day#not looking forward to this week. MASSIVE toxicology exam and euthanasia simulations#not that I haven’t been in for euths before.. so the simulation part feels kind of pointless#but it’ll be good to get feedback as the doctor performing it#instead of just going in to place the iv and get consent forms#I’ve pushed the drugs before too but never with a client there#can’t believe I’m 2 years and 2 months from my doctorate. wtf#why is this going so fast
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Actually doing homework because ive got way less afternoon classes this semester <3 listening to incredibly good music rn, i hope you all are doing sososooo well rn ;) too busy to go into every inbox but TELL ME HOW YOU GUYS ARE! Hows the weather, any tasty foods youve recently eaten, want to complain about anything, etc etc I WANT TO HEAR! TELL ME!
#im chilling sm#this week and next week ive got no exams#and then ive got like 5 weeks (1 week holiday) and 5 more weeks of exams#then 2 weeks of holiday again 2 weeks of school and my final exams lol#sham!s rambles#AND I DREW TODAY! INSANE! on artblock again…..
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...
#oh lads. its not looking good for my genomics exam on Thursday. its all fucked#i dunno. its just been a weird day. bc one of my lab mates is getting ready to go to the astr0biology science conference#and its just so wild how i got here. into the perfect position. i have a great advisor. a great phd project. a committee member who is super#integrated with n4sa astr0biology projects. and so many of the instructors are amazing. my genomics prof is terrifyingly smart#so is my advisor and his wife. and the program is great. ecology and Evolution. its perfect. its all perfect#and yet. and yet. it just feels like its all falling apart. ive lost that compulsive thing thats always set in my chest#and now all i want to do is lay on the floor and cry and sleep and not do anything. why am i so tired?#its just so frustrating. and im sure ive got the most wretched vibes bc im constantly like 1 comment away from bursting into tears#like 2 weeks and its done. then im off to find a summer job. and find a long term job. and consider throwing away everything ive ever worked#toward. just let it all burn. im so tired. and i dont get to see my therapist until Monday. thats gonna b fun#hi. hello. since last i saw you my life has crumbled into pieces. ugh. i just dont wanna fail this genomics exam but it looks like that's#where we're headed. maybe i should have just dipped out of these last 3 weeks. but no. i didnt want to leave the lady i ta for 100 lab#reports to unexpectedly have to grade 4 days before grades are due. ugh. itll b fine. i mean it wont but whatever#unrelated
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