#and its really weird and unfamiliar and you dont understand its your body wanting to cry

[fruityumbrella]

writing sanjimisery is like oh there is always so so so much there that its overflowing its taking up every inch of his body and mind and carrying your writing on its own.

writing zoromisery is like oh its all negative space its almost as if theres nothing here bc the thing that IS here is so huge and singular that you cant see anything else at all and somehow you have to find words for it

[just-some-random-blogger]

omg oh you got my first part?? im shocked, never seen it. so its ANOTHER part 2!! what about it? yeye this gif is so perfectly looped TT i hope the kitten is more taken aback by the unknown smell rather than the awful, absolutely terrible pain this ball gives him. but hes so cute TT 'its weird someone else has my name' ekaterina I, ekaterina II and me: *_*, *_*, *_* well.. hm.. sorry for stealing your names babygirls... yk, im proud. like hannah montana is hannah, you should be proud too! omg there IS a cat called PRINCE and you can TALK to him!!!!! omg im crying TT HES SO PRETTY TT omg you can CHALLENGE him TT he may scratch me to death 'shes not a minimum viable product' lol it was the first thing ive seen when i searched for the meaning of mvp. i dont understand your gamer slang >:( ok yes i learnt what mvp really meant but i needed to mention this mvp too. 'i aint ever reading that its too long' LOL i've read 'war and peace' and 'And Quiet Flows the Don' (tha fact they translated it like this... smart but so unfamiliar...) which is probably 3000 of pages in total... and oh.. 'The Master and Margarita' also represents hell in a way and ive read it so.. you cant mock me like this catmom TT im sorry i talk about russian literature so much but i dont really read smth else... well beside the all tumblr shit... 'i hope you only mean in the show' you never know..... 'less anxious about sending asks!!😤' YES GIRL!! i love this mood!! youre gonna do it and do it in the best way bc youre the best!! i believe in you!! no one can stand against your hot person presence!! go and talk to them! 'my body is like is this a threat CLOG THE NOSTRILS' ghdjs its kinda funny how you talk about your body as a castle which was attacked TT its kina true but still hilarious. hope you breath well lol. 'to be fair i have an electric fan open and when its night it gets colder' and i've got an opened window... youre really lucky i cant slap people. how was the movie? and what movie TT 'YOUVE ALWAYS BEEN SWEET IM LUV U SO MUCH' yk what? i take after my catmom. meomeow!! love you too<з SO listen the daemon idea..... 'BUT THIS SCENE WAS SO INTENSE' YES its also so true!! i love how alicent is the loving (lol to aemond) mother and a fair (LOL in her own way) woman, a majestic queen (lol sorry i want to say shes great but...). she said there was not enough information about alicent in the books so they kinda created some of her character and background? i think thats why alicent is so great in hotd. actresses really feel her. and emily!! i was amazed by her acting in the scene where she was like 'supporting' king in his chambers? her voice was really trembling and she looked so lost. wow. omg i havent seen tom and ewan in youtube so i absolutely forgot about them TT rip TT i like tom too. from what ive seen in tumblr and his insta i (as a judgemental person lol) think hes sweet. and im sorry but TT i used to (actually i still do) find it funny how ewan purses his lips TT IDK WHY but it makes me laugh so bad TT he seems quiet to me. 'WHICH WAS SHOCKING' lol hes got a puppy face... no his acting is good but... my judgements... theyre rarely mistaken yk.... you can love emma and can love olivia separately but their duet?? divine! theyre so ?? a match?? i even thought they may be a couple for a moment. so hope you've got a good day! and a good week!! love you! take care<З

ok i gave up on my homework and passed it /alsfhlasfhasf HAHAHAHHA

i hope i didnt do so badly HAHAHHA

anyway let me start by talking about that movie i had to watch for one of my classes. it was boring but then i made it halfway through the film and i was like wait its not that boring and part of me wanted to watch it but i decided not to continue cos i got all my answers HHAHHAHAHH

it was this movie, october sky, its about a kid who wants to make rocket ships and its based on a true story so HAHAHAHA i kinda might go back to it but i prolly wont AHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

omg oh you got my first part?? im shocked, never seen it. so its ANOTHER part 2!! what about it?

T_T this was so dry i was like ??? wait did MY reply not send ? HAHHAHH /:

yeye this gif is so perfectly looped TT i hope the kitten is more taken aback by the unknown smell rather than the awful, absolutely terrible pain this ball gives him. but hes so cute TT

HAHHAHAAH its probably more of the contact the kitty had with the ball spring thing thing

'its weird someone else has my name' ekaterina I, ekaterina II and me: *_*, *_*, *_* well.. hm.. sorry for stealing your names babygirls... yk, im proud.

HAHHAHAHAH im more like PLS its YOU who stole MY name even though *I* stole Hannah's name in the bible because she's who i was named after lol HAHAHAHAH

like hannah montana is hannah, you should be proud too!

i was!!! i was like OMG IM FAMOUS HAHAHHHAHAHAHH i love hannah montana

i have no idea what his episode it but AWW THATS OS CUTE I LOVE IT WHEN GIRLS GIVE BOYS FLOWERS T_T

omg there IS a cat called PRINCE and you can TALK to him!!!!! omg im crying TT HES SO PRETTY TT omg you can CHALLENGE him TT he may scratch me to death

YES YOU CAN CHALLENGE HIM but its like??? this card game HAHHAHAAH its like a game within the game and the cat is a player in the card game

'shes not a minimum viable product' lol it was the first thing ive seen when i searched for the meaning of mvp. i dont understand your gamer slang >:( ok yes i learnt what mvp really meant but i needed to mention this mvp too.

IM SO SORRY I DIDNT MEANT TO CONFUSE YOU mvp isnt gamer slang actually it originated from sports specifically basketball i think and it trickled to mainstream media. MVP means most valuable player! T_T i thought you gathered i meant she was a minimum viable product from what i was telling you. i forgot i even said mvp T_T im so sorry my love

'i aint ever reading that its too long' LOL i've read 'war and peace' and 'And Quiet Flows the Don' (tha fact they translated it like this... smart but so unfamiliar...) which is probably 3000 of pages in total... and oh.. 'The Master and Margarita' also represents hell in a way and ive read it so.. you cant mock me like this catmom TT im sorry i talk about russian literature so much but i dont really read smth else... well beside the all tumblr shit...

its fine you can talk about russian literature all you want! idk i find it scary to read like 'classical' books, especially the ones you learn about in class, cos idk it feels like ???? a chore????? idk idk

'i hope you only mean in the show' you never know.....

T_T T_T PLEASE

'less anxious about sending asks!!😤' YES GIRL!! i love this mood!! youre gonna do it and do it in the best way bc youre the best!! i believe in you!! no one can stand against your hot person presence!! go and talk to them!

me @ my brain demons

'my body is like is this a threat CLOG THE NOSTRILS' ghdjs its kinda funny how you talk about your body as a castle which was attacked TT its kina true but still hilarious. hope you breath well lol.

HAHAHAAHAH I FIND IT EASIER TO EXPLAIN THINGS LIKE THIS NOT SO FORMAL BECAUSE IT MAKES MORE SENSE

'to be fair i have an electric fan open and when its night it gets colder' and i've got an opened window... youre really lucky i cant slap people.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA IM RONNIN 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

how was the movie? and what movie TT

HA i already answered that HAHHAHAHA

'YOUVE ALWAYS BEEN SWEET IM LUV U SO MUCH' yk what? i take after my catmom. meomeow!! love you too<з SO

<3 <3

listen the daemon idea..... 'BUT THIS SCENE WAS SO INTENSE' YES its also so true!! i love how alicent is the loving (lol to aemond) mother and a fair (LOL in her own way) woman, a majestic queen (lol sorry i want to say shes great but...). she said there was not enough information about alicent in the books so they kinda created some of her character and background? i think thats why alicent is so great in hotd. actresses really feel her.

HAHAHHHAHAH the parts in the parenthesis HAHAHHAAH. also ive seen people say that the show is basically and interpretation of the book because its so... ??? incomplete cos its a bunch of outside accounts ??? so as interesting as that is, imma just enjoy the story as a tv show so yeah AHHAHAAH. alicent crazy (theyre all crazy) but she can choke me

and emily!! i was amazed by her acting in the scene where she was like 'supporting' king in his chambers? her voice was really trembling and she looked so lost. wow.

i felt so bad for young alicent. her dad an ugly rat L. OMG by the way when i say L that means loser AHAHAHAHH and W but i dont think ive used it is winner HAHAAHH T_T stuff i learn from my younger sister HAHHAHAH

omg i havent seen tom and ewan in youtube so i absolutely forgot about them TT rip TT i like tom too. from what ive seen in tumblr and his insta i (as a judgemental person lol) think hes sweet.

HE DOES LOOK SO SWEET MY WIDDLE TOM HES SO BABY I SQUISH I KISS IM LUV LUV LUV

and im sorry but TT i used to (actually i still do) find it funny how ewan purses his lips TT IDK WHY but it makes me laugh so bad TT he seems quiet to me.

he seems quiet to me too! I ALSO THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY HOW HE PURSES HIS LIPS BUT ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE TIKTOK MEMES AND MEMES IN GENERAL I SAW OF HIM HOLLUP LEMME LOOK FOR SOME

THIS HAHAAAA

and then this tiktok

i bawled laughing when i saw this (though tbh im not sure if this is the original one [i feel like the door was brown in the one i watched and the dude's lips were SUPER curved. that or i have bad memory])

'WHICH WAS SHOCKING' lol hes got a puppy face... no his acting is good but... my judgements... theyre rarely mistaken yk....

HAHAHHAHAHAHH UR SO RIGHT SO PUPPY IM LUV HIM MY PUP PUP

you can love emma and can love olivia separately but their duet?? divine! theyre so ?? a match?? i even thought they may be a couple for a moment.

T_T ur so right they compliment each other so well [BREATHES FIRE]

so hope you've got a good day! and a good week!! love you! take care<З

i hope you have a good day too! i have class tomorrow and im going to go to school so i might reply late.

i love you <3 <3 <3 do well <3 <3 im proud of you always

xxx

[csykora]

[A tabby cat curled up in the middle of a bubble hockey board. Or you, being comfortable in an athletic community that’s good enough for you]

Hiiiiii! I’ve been looking at ice hockey and it seems a cool sport and something that I might want to do as a hobby. Only Im disabled. Do you think I could still do the thing? Do you have ideas on how to start doing the thing? Ive often found it hard to do sports because coaches or trainers don’t know shit about disability and so have no clue how to teach you things or what you may or may not be capable of and telling them is useless because they make assumptions about your body and gah. Cheers

Hey—

Yes. Do the thing. Please go do it! I am not your coach, not your trainer, only friendly local bone witch—which I am very annoyed to have to say because you are a great athlete to work with.

Can I point out a couple things you just said?

You’re offering to do a trainer’s homework for them.

The early game didn’t have coaches. People milled on and off in whatever situations they felt like. Coaches and trainers came onto the scene so that someone was keeping track of who was actually good at what, when they needed support, and how to use them to best effect. That’s their whole gig.

Talking to folks on this blog, I’ve learned lots of people have this impression that capital-A Athletes have some factory-settings-standard body, any deviation a disaster (and they themselves can’t be athletes because they don’t.)

I think it’s very useful to smash this idea. Every athlete is a grab bag of weaknesses and weirdnesses, from old injuries down to handedness. Every coach longs to have three right-shot defensemen, and has made peace with the fact they’re not going to get them. Their job is to play with all the mismatched pieces they do have until they fit into a team.

If you present a coach or trainer with information about your abilities, and they don’t want to use that information, the problem you got right there is a shit coach.

Despite what the National League believes, there are more than 32 coaches in the world. 

Throw a stick up here and you’ll hit another amateur coach. When we’re little, if we get a shit coach or PE teacher, we get stuck. That does real and lasting harm, which I am happy to go on at length about, but to flip it around:

Now, you are a big Zee, who wants to learn to play as a hobby, with the goal of having fun. That’s a powerful place to be.

I won’t say there aren’t stakes: you could get hurt, physically or emotionally. Sharing information about your body with other people to try to keep yourself from getting hurt all the time can be hard. Playing can make you feel physically accomplished and capable in your body, which is a deep need I think we all have, so having to back away if a team does turn out to be shit is hard. So I don’t say “you can always quit a team” lightly, but…there is no threat if you quit a shit team, no one (who matters) will get mad or make you go back.That means you can advocate for yourself, and if a reasonable shot at advocacy reveals that a coach isn’t just unfamiliar with how to do their job for someone with your disability but uninterested in doing their damn job for a disabled person, you can wave them farewell and find another.

Now, our goal is for you to find a good trainer, who just needs to be given information about what you (not someone with the ‘same’ condition, but you specifically) have got going on.

I’m going to tell you to look up an adult learn-to-skate program. Most rinks will have regular learn-to-skate and learn-to-hockey programs spaced throughout the year (often paired so you spend “first semester” on skating before the people who want to move up to hockey). Look up different rinks, talk to people about the rink culture and the coaches there. If you have the time, maybe spend a while hanging out there watching the open skates, local team practices or public classes, getting a sense what it’s like and telling yourself you have as much right to be in that barn as anyone else. Then sign up for a class. But first I want you to be devastatingly, Hepburn-ishly confident in talking about what your disability means for you.

From the information you’ve just given me, I don’t know almost anything I would need to work with you. You may or may not know that information about yourself already, but you can figure it out.

“Mild hemiplegia” is not a super-medical phrase. Hemiplegia is complete paralysis on one side of the body, where you are unable to move those muscles on purpose. A mild to moderate loss of muscle strength on one side is hemiparesis.

These terms are, to be honest, mostly used to organize medical literature. They describe very specific signs that might happen for a variety of reasons. Other symptoms like loss of sensation, loss of range of motion, involuntary muscle spasms, or loss/delay of involuntary motion (reflexes), which may or may not occur with plegia/paresis, have to be specified and described. If I were treating you I definitely wouldn’t describe your case as “hemiplegia”, I would call it “hemiparesis” with a lot more descriptive words around that (and I probably wouldn’t use either when talking to you).

It’s not that you used a word wrong. I’m concerned that 1. people have made you think you have to use A Medical Name for your disability for it to be taken seriously, but also 2. because the stroke happened so early, you’ve actually been denied care and opportunities to learn about it.

1. First, for the record, you don’t have to justify your disabled identity to me. And while I really (really) understand the self-protective urge a lot of us have to try to say, “my condition is really real and serious, it has a Real Medical Name, please believe me”, I think that (outside of a legal context where you’re seeking protected accommodations) that strategy often isn’t as useful as we hope it will be to communicate with other people in our daily lives. The people who demand to see your Really Medically Serious card before making accommodations will always find something else to demand, while people who aren’t trying to be assholes will be better able to help you if they know exactly, practically how.

It’s not that one way of talking about your disability is wrong, but I want you to talk about it in ways that are useful to you, that help you connect with other people and get you what you want.

2. I’ve worked with a lot of elders who have paralysis or hemiparesis from strokes later in life, after being able-bodied for most of their lives, and doctors and therapists jump right up in there teaching and training them to “recover” that “lost function”. They/their families can’t not know all the medical words just from hearing them over and over. But what often happens when a person is disabled since childhood is that…they aren’t seen as having “lost capacity” that can be “saved”, but as having a baseline “low level of function” that’ll never change, so much less attention is payed.

I’m using the air quotes because many people’s disabilities are present throughout their whole lives, and someone’s disability or disabled identity is not just a “problem” to be solved or gotten rid of. But people with disabilities grow and change, especially when we’re, you know, children. What often happens is that parents/authorities encourage able-bodied children to play, practicing motions and building up their bodies’ ability to move, while children with disabilities get benched from practice, benched from not just one activity but from being active at all, which means being benched from developing their bodies in the ways that might actually work for them, and from developing relationships with their bodies.

Proprioception, for example, is a combination of some fundamental ability/capacity/threshold/potential/whathaveyou and skill developed through experience that changes in context. Ever seen a baby? None of them know where the hell they are. A baby that can crawl is let loose to explore the world and bump into things that trigger their nerves until their body learns to fit all that sensation information together and use it. A baby that doesn’t crawl for some other reason often doesn’t get a chance to explore, to experience those sensations or train up that skill. And a kid that has a different threshold for stimulation, who naturally seeks out more or less or a different sort, is often stopped from stimming in ways which would provide their body information they could process.

As an adult, you get the chance to look at what you want to do and how your body can do it again.

So…

I want you to go throw a ball at a wall. Try to catch it. If you do any exercises already, sit-ups or pushups, do some of those. Run around the block, jump around on your bed. Stretch or just swing your arms and legs around. Find some small objects to use as weights and lift them, with either arm and then either leg (or set them on the floor and see if you can push them).

Work your way up your body one limb at a time, first thinking just about that limb on its own and then comparing the two sides after you’ve done them both. Don’t put a value judgement on anything yet, just pay attention: if your feet feel okay after running around, if you had more strength in one spot than you expected, if you had fun jumping, if there was a time you thought you might wobble but were able to correct, count that too! Think about each activity you did, the sensations around it, and whether that stim was satisfying, overstimulating, or not stimulating enough.

I want you to be able to go to a learn-to-play program, ask to talk with the coach at an appropriate time during the application or orientation, and say things like, “I have this condition. This is what it means: I have less strength with one arm, but I can move it as fast as the other, and with the same range of motion. I don’t grip items as well with one hand, or I tend to grip very hard. I don’t feel this type of sensation in this area, but I do feel that”.

Your coach is then going to recommend exercises to build strength in particular areas, or modifications to exercises so that you can do them without needing to use a particular area; they might have you try different equipment (find a tape job or adapted hand position that helps you keep hold of your stick, etc), and they may also encourage your towards and start training you for a particular position where you could do the most. When it comes to sensation, they’ll know to watch you closer for injuries in that spot that you might not notice.

This came in while I was applying to go back to university, and I bribed myself through the short essay section by pausing every hour to eat chocolate and sketch out what I would have you do for hypothetical positions and exercise plans. That’s still a long way off, but I’m very invested, so a couple things I want you to think about as you work towards the goal:

Keep sled hockey in mind. It’s not always a fit for people whose disability involves their arms, but it’s a cool community and most rinks will offer clinics where you can try out a sled and get a sense of the game.

How do you feel about getting hit with a puck? From your description, stickhandling and shooting may not be super fun for you. They may be, but if you give them a fair try and start to fee discouraged, try picturing yourself as a defender focussing on positioning or shot-blocking, or a goalie. Some people never ever want to do it, which is fair, but if you’re at all interested I’d love to see you try some time in goal! Everyone’s different but some folks the weight of the pads and the focused role can be really good stimulation. If your handling or footwork doesn’t feel great, goaltending would let you focus on moving your body more naturalistically as a whole to position in front of shots. And everyone else will love you for volunteering!

Write back and tell us how it goes!

[astralmlm]

Hey, I'm trans and struggling a lot with dysphoria now that I'm home from school, and I was wondering, do you have any tips on just overall feeling more masculine? Like clothes or how to style hair or certain things you do in general that just help? I'd really appreciate it!!

hi!! i completely understand how u feel, i get dysphoric over things all the time and it Sucks!!! ill try and compile some of the things that i do to feel more masc!!! this might be long because i like to ramble so i’ll put it under a readmore!

any of our trans followers are also welcome to reply to this with their own tips for passing and feeling masculine!!!!!

for hair, the biggest thing ive seen is to have it shorter!! of course if you like long hair thats fantastic! but ive found the best way to make me personally feel more masculine is a fresh shave, or a super short trim at a salon. If you’re out to your parents, it may be easier to go to a barbershop and explain the short hair, but if not its no problem!! short hair is super in these days, most people wouldnt question it. i always personally wear mine shaved except for the top of my head and it makes me feel masc!! another thing might be to try wearing hats!! beanies or baseball hats/snapbacks are really common masculine accessories and i find they can frame ur face in a more masculine way!!

i personally have a really weird relationship with masculine clothes? because theyre never as vibrant and exciting as things i like to wear and its disappointing ahah. when i want to dress super masculine i always choose things that are less vibrant, usually greys or blacks or darker colours! jeans or chino or even cargo pants work really well, and making sure to have a little bit of space in around the crotch is helpful!! knee high shorts are also really good, i find i always feel my most masculine when i wear jeans with a bit of sag and usually flat one colour tops! of course if thats not your style you can play around with it, and depending on if youre out or able to buy your own clothes you can try checking out mens sections!! if not, the womens section usually has some less feminine clothes!! unisex tees are a wonder, they arent fitted to be super feminine and theyre lovely.

as well, a binder is always a thing to look at if you need help feeling masculine and have a larger chest!! i find wearing mine always makes me really confident!!!! if you have one already you can ignore all of this ahah. but! binders are very finicky and no matter what you hear, there is always some risk of damage that comes from longterm binding. it can mess with your ribs and lungs and, if done incorrectly can be VERY damaging. but!!!!!! there are absolutely ways to make it as safe as possible!! @gc2b-apparel and @shapeshiftersinc both sell binders, and they both appear to be some of the best binders available!!! i can personally vouch for gc2b, i have one of theirs and it does flatten my chest a significant amount! make sure to get a binder from reputable places like the 2 mentioned above! it may be slightly expensive but its worth not ruining your body! there are probably better guides to safe binding, and i cant remember everything so make sure to do your research but!! what i can remember is to take breaks frequently, never ever buy a size too small (mine was a size too big and it still works fantastic!) dont wear your binder for more than 8 hours (im guilty of this whoops) and dont sleep in them!!

another thing that helps a lot of trans men is packing!!! if you’re unfamiliar with this, it means using something to give the appearance of essentially a crotch bump. they sell silicone packers, which are basically limp silicone weiners that go in your underwear!! packing isnt for everybody, and buying an actual packer can be very hard for people, so what i do is!! i usually take a couple of small socks, ball them up, and wedge them in the front of my underwear! it kind of feels strange, but it makes the area seem filled and can give the appearance of having a dick? it can help people pass anyways. its not for everybody, but it might help to try once to see if you like it!!!

i also dont shave? and i find that really helps build my masculinity. having hairy legs and armpits and arms is something that i feel helps alleviate a lot of dysphoria!! of course again, not for everybody but if you tend to shave letting it grow out might help!!

my biggest source of dysphoria probably comes from my voice, and its a thing that lots of other trans men have problems with!! the most common tip is to talk from your chest, but i read one tip for lowering your voice slightly that is a personal fave and really helped me!! i read that if you go through your music and choose all the male singers (idk why but i have trouble singing lower to female voiced songs) and in your spare time, just singing along in the lowest voice you can get!!! i found that doing it regularly helped me find the lower ranges of my voice to talk from, and also helps bring it down a little bit!!

i hope these helped you dude, good luck!!!!

[plusultrachaos]

i sometimes wish id never been born at all

prompt: dan, one day, wishes hed never been born. he is then visited by a "ghost" (another youtuber) who shows dan everybodys lives if he was never born. dan doesnt believe that anything is worse off until they show phils life which is simply a gravestone.

A/N: i did change somethings from the prompt. i also envisioned the prompt as something similar to the Scrooge.

word count: 2113

genre: angst and if you squint fluff

tw: there are mentions and a viewing of two suicides (the viewing is against dans will  and is only on one of two suicides) there are mentions of depression and bullying. if this is something that could trigger, harm, or cause you pain of any kind, i recommend not reading this oneshot.

________________

its one of dans bad days. its one of the bad days where hes trying to be social, at least talk to phil some, maybe a bit of action on social media, before his inevitable departure from society and hopefully his own exsistance for a little while.

while hes browsing on said social media, he feels phil leaning toward him and picking something from under dans eye, pulling his hand away to reveal a small, thick eyelash.

"howd you even notice that, phil?" his voice was soft, fond, and holding no surprise at phils ability to notice the little details.

"make a wish and i might tell you." phil wore a teasing smile as he failed to wink, the corners of his mouth crinkling, showing the smile wrinkles that had developed as the years of their friendship passed.

'i wish i were never born' was the wish dan had made, he wanted to go hide away, hide the wish hed made in his brain to echo there for hours. everybodys lives would be better, easier, if he hadnt been born in the first place, all the haters wouldnt have to hate him in the first place. phil would probably be further in life. his family wouldnt have him as a disappointment.

"i have to go to my room." he looked at phil, whos face was still in  sort of close proximity to his own face. he didnt say why, or what he was going to do once in there, but phil knew him well enough to understand why the younger man had been quiet the entirety of him being up and out of his room, why he hadnt laughed at a single funny thing that phil had shown him.

"okay. remember to drink water and come out of there when you need food, okay?" phils eyes held the usual, useless, concern that dan knew phil didnt actually feel. dan wasnt worth the concern and he definitely did not deserve the concern or a friend like phil at all.

he nodded, knowing that if phil didnt actually see dan out of the room to get food or water, hed personally bring the food and drink to dan. dan got up and numbly left the lounge for his room. he left his laptop there, knowing he wouldnt need it the next few days or so.

he collapsed on his bed, his thoughts going on about him being worthless and a disappointment, along with other degrading things. he turned his phone off, setting it on his nightstand. he curled up into a ball and became even more numb to the world. when he fell asleep? dan wouldnt have been able to tell you.

when dan woke up, it felt weird. it felt like what his lucid dreams used to feel like when  hed been a kid. he also didnt feel as he did when he assumed hed fallen asleep, furthuring the feeling of this being weird and unusual. well, those things, and the youtube god himself, pewdiepie, or felix as hed told dan and phil to call him when theyd met up in the past, standing at the end of dans bed.

"felix? why are you in my room?" he was slightly creeped out. he only ever really saw felix at youtube events anymore, and even then, it wasnt much.

"i know who this felix person is, but i am not him. i am the ghost of youtubers past." felix, or rather the ghost, said, the voice was eerily similar to felix' and it creeped dan out further. "recently, youve wished for something along the lines of never being born at all, am i correct to say this?"

"yeah, but hold up, why in bloody hell are you in my -me and phils- flat? howd you even get in?" dan looked confused, he was staying as far as he possibly could be from felix, or the ghost or whatever the fuck it was, which meant he was huddled against the headboard of his bed. "what has my stupid eyelash wish have got to do with any of this?"

"daniel, im here to show you how your friends and family would have really been if you hadnt been born. you see, your thoughts after the wish, about everybody being better off without you, were mostly wrong. your family, that thought, was the only one that was partially correct. yes, if they didnt have you as their son, all of the things that you think they think of you would disappear, but they would have still had two children. your grandma wouldve been just as close with them as she was to you." then suddenly, at the end of the ghosts words, dans room transformed, his fairylights  and comfortable bed morphing into something else. all dan could do was watch.

his surroundings had changed into a huge decorated and lit up christmas tree with wrapped gifts underneath. there were two children, a teenaged girl and a younger boy, perhaps a toddler, pulling at a christmas cracker. when the young boy ended up getting the bigger end of the game, the older sister said "happy christmas!" with fondness that made dans heart ache. the siblings looked close, and happy. happier than dan and his younger brother had been at those ages.  it made dan long for that kind of relationship with the lad. it also brought a bitter taste and thoughts to dan. the girl, for obvious reasons, wasnt dan. their mannerisms very  different, her smile lacking a dimple.

"yazzy, go help your mum in the kitchen." an old woman, that dan immediately recognized as his (or rather not his) grandma, walked in to the room. he hadnt visited the kind, aging woman in years, and seeing this made him feel guilty.

he turned to the ghost, tears forming and wetting his eyes. "can we leave? i already knew i was insignificant in their lives." he said this, his voice small as he looked away from the scene playing out before him. the ghost nodded and then they were in a different location once again.

it was his friend, louises current home. but it was empty, no baby toys or anything in the flat hed gotten used to being busy.

"louises success mightve been all her, but you helped in the process, being there when she needed a friend. she didnt have darcy because she never met her partner." the ghost said this with a grim look. dan looked around, sad eyes gazing everywhere. it was then he realized he hadnt rung up louise in weeks.

"fuck..." was dans whispered response to the situation.

the location faded again, taking them to a park. pj sat on the bench in front of dan and the ghost. he was talking to people that dan didnt recognize. "pj and chris never became a couple because you werent there to help them realize their feelings for each other." dan looked down at the ghosts words. they stung, knowing his friends hadnt gotten together just because dan hadnt been born.

" and chris? what would his fate have been if id never been around?" the ghost pointed at a man walking behind them, talking on the phone. he didnt spare pj a single look.

"without your constant encouragement, he dropped youtube. he got an office job and quickly climbed the ranks." the words sounded sad.

the location changed yet again, to a sight he never wanted to see again. they were in an unfamiliar bedroom, it was dark and there was an even darker silhouette hanging from a ceiling fan. dan feared the worst. the sight of it made dan want to curl into a ball. there was pounding on the closed door.

dan watched in silence, mouth open in a silent cry as the parents of the silhouette opened the door. the mother fell into the fathers arms, crying loudly. the father was frozen, terror shining in his eyes as he took in the sight of the cold and lifeless body. the  room faded into a plain, white room that had no soothing qualities to dan.

"that was ben. in a world with you in it, he would have found the courage to come out as a transmale and gay. without you, he never learned of his parents acceptance. he wouldve committed suicide if not for your videos." the ghost said this softly, its eyes sad. "this is the sad reality of the fans. some are not in good situations and so they turn to youtube for an escape. without your videos, a lot of fans dont have that escape." dans face grew even more sad as he realized that had been the same reality that he had faced before becoming a youtuber.

"and phil? what would have happened to him?" this question had been on his mind the entire time they had been in this weird dreamland. the ghosts already sad face saddened even more and the scenery changed once again.

dan looked confused as his eyes wondered around the area. they were in a graveyard in the middle of the day. except dan couldnt see any services being held that phil wouldve attended.

"where is he? why are we in a graveyard?" his questions were frantic as he continued searching for the wonderous blue-yellow-green eyes and the dyed black hair of his best friend. then his gaze landed on the gravestone of the grave they were in front of. he dropped to his knees, his face blank as he read the stone.

Here lies

Philip Michael Lester

January 30th, 1987-June 22nd, 2012

He was loved dearly by fans, friends, and family.

"phil didnt have a number one fan to skype him to take his mind off his problems, to correct him when he thought of how weird he was and how weird everybody was bound to think of him."

"unique. phil is unique, not weird." dan corrected without hesitation.

"that is what i mean when i say that. he didnt have somebody to do that when youtube comments started telling him he was weird. he didnt have someone to be an iconic duo with. he killed himself when it all got to be too much." the ghost went quiet after telling that to dan, most likely letting the man grieve his best friend.

dan had started sobbing loudly. "n...no no no. take me home, this cant be real, this is not real." he whimpered, his eyes were screwed shut as he sobbed over the possibility of his optimistic, cheery best friend taking his life. he missed the transformation of the landscape, still sobbing loudly by the time hed been back in the comfort of his bedroom.

the ghost was no longer there and there was loud knocking. and to dans relief, phil called out his name with concern that dan was now certain was genuine. phil came in, rushing to the side of the monochrome bed to take the brown haired crying man into his arms. he knew better than to ask what was wrong right away, so he just held him.

"phil, promise me you wont believe people when they say hateful things toward you?" he asked this in a panicked rush, his words stuttered as he looked with terrified eyes at phil.

" i promise." phil held dan close, the sound of his heartbeat tethering dan to reality.

"i had a dream." dan proceeded to tell phil about what hed wished and then about the dream he had afterward. when he was done, phil held him. dan was still crying, but it had subsided a lot with the knowledge of phil being alive. "im sorry, phil. i know i shouldnt have wished for something so morbid and sad, but it was before an episode and i cant control my thoughts during those." he cuddled to phils chest, sniffling.

" dan, you know i love you. you know im always going to be here to support and comfort you." phils voice was soft and supportive, deep unlike what the viewers usually heard. "you dont have to apologize at all for the way your brain works, just like i dont. im glad you realized that that wasnt real, but i dont want you thinking that i wouldve been better off without you because i wouldnt be as far as i am today if i didnt have you by my side. dont ever tell yourself otherwise." he smiled his amazing smile that was saved just for dan.

dan leaned into phils chest, breathing in the comforting scent.   he sighed as he realized that life would be better with him and phil still alive.

____________________

i did end up mentioning dans family, but i only did briefly dont hate me.