#and its not necessarily because i want to have someone to vent to all the time

[greyhounddbites]

I'm going through so much right now and I really wish I had a partner by my side to make this process feel less lonely

[snekdood]

idc if ppl think im problematic i just want it to be for the actual real reasons i am

[genderkoolaid]

hey i was wondering something and i wanted to know your opinion on it

Why is it problematic to say i hate men but not white people or straight people

(i'm a trans south east asian man btw)

I'd say on, like, a casual exasperated level, its not problematic to say "I hate [x]." It gets problematic when your venting about a group becomes your sole lens of viewing + interacting with that group.

Like, its entirely alright to be frustrated with behaviors common to cishet white men and express that in a vent by saying you hate them. But... its like how people make the correct point that they shouldn't be expected or obligated to give all their energy to coddling people with power over them, but translate that into "i never have to care about a member of this group at all" which directly conflicts with just. being in a community? Like women should not be expected to be caretakers for men, but people in a community need to take care of each other. When the only way you engage with a group of people is by expressing hatred and asserting how much you aren't obligated to care about them, its easier than people think to find yourself dehumanizing them.

Which does not mean "you are just as bad as a racist/misogynist" or "you are oppressing them"; you are An Individual whose biases are not necessarily backed up by powerful systemic powers. But, for one, its very easy for those biases to be used by systemic forces: with men, misandry is very easily used to justify all kinds of violence towards marginalized men & people perceived as men. You also have situations where people will say the Holocaust "wasn't as bad" as, say, US slavery, because it was "white on white violence," or saying the Armenian genocide also wasn't that big of a deal because "it was done to Christians and Christians are always killing people" (two real things I have seen been said). And, again: if you are going to care about community and restorative/transformative justice and all that, you need to be able to give a shit about all kinds of people who you live with. You need to be able to see them as whole beings you are capable of connecting with on some level. You don't personally need to date or befriend men, but you do need to be able to give a shit about men in your community.

Its fine to feel annoyance and anger and use "hatred" to express that. But the problem occurs when people take "its okay to be angry with your oppressors and not spend all your energy coddling them" and make that the end-all be-all of their relationship with people of whatever group; revolutions can't accomplish compassionate goals when they are run on hatred. Very hooksian concept but "love" (as in "a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust", not in a strictly emotional sense but as an action) is a skill that is as vital as understanding class dynamics and protest tactics. Maybe you don't need to love everyone, but try to have the capacity to love anyone; the ability to physically care for someone you don't emotionally like is, I think, a vital step towards truly challenging and bringing down the kyriarchy.

Basically its about recognizing when your venting stops being an outlet and starts being a way for unproductive feelings to shape how you view other people.

[necromosss]

Saying this in best way possible.

I envy on how you can convey everything wonderfully with only sketches yet it feels like a finished piece. I envy you not because I think my art is bad but more because of my perfectionist mind forced me to fleshed everything out before it deemed "post worthy" one day I want to improve and be more confident with my sketch just like you so I won't physically strain myself by making everything I made as polished as possible.

This might come as me also venting, (but!) this ask made me.... think.

Believe it or not, anon, what you envied of me is actually one of the biggest insecurities i have as an artist. I really think I should have put more effort to finish my works, but it just feel off whenever I did :")

Anyways!

It's totally alright to take time for your art! But if you do want to try to be confident with your sketch more, I'd suggest......to think that nobody cares.

This.... might be a bad advice and a bad way to see your own artworks, but these are what I kept telling myself:

Nobody would care if I had/hadn't finish or perfect this. Nobody will point it out anyway. No one ever did.

To me this looks clear enough. Readable enough. If my dumbass brain can understand it, so can everyone else.

Does this sketch sets the mood/feeling/intensity enough? If it doesnt then its time to rely on splashing some colors

If they like this messy excuse of an art then good for them and if not? Well at least my thoughts are already put OUT there and not kept locked inside. Like breathing a fresh air.

And thats that. I hope you can feel more comfortable with your sketches soon🫶 OH and thank you, anon🥹💖

Sad thoughts/vent part below cut. Not necessarily connected to answer anon!! (just me pouring my own feelings/thoughts out!)

I... really enjoy just putting out my thoughts emotions and ideas via my sketches but at the same time, it kept made me question myself if I—as an artist—was ever worth all this attention when I couldn't even deliver something "finished." Hells, even when I did a finished, rendered art, it never made an impression as close to equal sd my "stupid doodles" does.

I feel like i perform and deliver better using rough sketches because I love to emphasize the rawness of gestures and emotions that raw sketches provide. But nobody around me thinks so. Because it's like im not done yet.

I didn't know my place. Nobody around me (in my local indo artist communities) preferred my works because there's always someone out there with a more polished & pretty art. Mine is... just never seem to look finished. I always look like i... underperformed.

So what Im trying to say is. Maybe we have our own strengths and weaknesses. Whats important is that we find out own comfortable paces and methods. And that is still a long heck of an artist journey that i myself still need to discover.

[luneengene2]

If ever are you gonna do a maknae line ver of "Accidentally Hurt/Injure (Verbally or Physically) You During an Argument "?

&Team Maknae Line : Accidentally Hurt/Injure (Verbally or Physically) You During an Argument

• Warnings : ANGST Content, Harua (Insult to the status of parents, kiss of life Haneul mention, status glorification, strangulation, mentioning about killing, rant, pet name), Taki (mentioning the mother who was killed, Venting of anger), Maki (His mother died, mentioning a robbery and threat), Grammar errors, tell me if I missed something.

• Note : YIPPIE! Finally I can make the Maknae Line version (aka complete)

• Harua •

(Oldmoney!Harua x newmoney!fem!reader)

Shigeta Harua, the only son of a high-class jewelry company owner that existed around 1913. His family line was aristocratic, having been very wealthy even before World War I broke out. You are his lover, starting from you being his childhood friend. Your father's company is a subsidiary of the Shigeta family, the Shigeta family is the largest investor in your father's company. Your life is perfect, isn't it? Born into a family that doesn't make you suffer, and your lover is from the upper class who loves you very much.

A perfect life line, but your relationship with Harua may not necessarily be smooth sailing. You and Harua have a secret relationship, your relationship with him has never been made public, even to your parents. Harua asked for that, because he wasn't ready to hear what his parents had to say about his girl. Harua knows how his parents are. His parents were strict and very detailed in every aspect. They always wanted 'high' things for their only son. Girls from rich families do not guarantee that they will like you right away. They seemed to really want someone to be their equal, an aristocrat. Harua's parents do love you like their daughter, moreover you are Harua's only childhood friend, but Harua doesn't think that means they immediately want you to be their daughter-in-law. He is afraid that if his parents find out about this relationship early, it could fall apart. He always assures you that he will slowly try to talk to his parents.

But you're already at the peak of your annoyance. He never does what he says. Never tries to talk to his parents. Your annoyance and anger grew even more when the media started spreading rumors about him. Rumors that he will be matched with one of the daughters of an aristocratic family who has always held the highest position in government for almost 90 years. Won Haneul. It's been almost half a year that the media has been reporting it, and half a year you have to hold back your emotions. Plus, Harua and Haneeul are often at the same event, the Aristocrat family gathering.

Patience has its limits, and yours is running out...

"You came to my apartment at this late hour just because of your jealousy?!" Harua smiled bitterly, you didn't realize his face was very tired right now. But, because of your anger, you certainly wouldn't care.

"This isn't just my jealousy. You can't keep your promise, Shigeta Harua!"

"You know, I'm sick of hearing you always say that you'll talk to your parents about our relationship. But you never do, even to this point." — You

"You think it's easy? You think I haven't tried all this time? Shut your mouth if you don't know anything!" — Harua

"You didn't try, but you acted cowardly," Harua glared angrily, he stood up from his sitting position on the single sofa, his fists clenched tightly.

"If I were a coward, I wouldn't have taken the risk of dating you," he would explode, blurting out words he shouldn't have. But you didn't realize that yet. You and he are both still emotional. Your emotions will still explode equally.

"Why? Is it because you are just a coward who can't maintain a serious relationship?" — You

"No, because I dared to date the daughter of my father's servant," You felt like you wanted to slump when he said that, your family's pride, including your father's, felt like it was kicked into one lump. Your father and his father are business partners, your father is not his father's servant.

"Typical aristocrats, always feel on top," — You

"What about the New Money? Hoping to be on par with the aristocrats? Your class and mine are even different. It turns out that what some people say is true, even though they are very rich, the New Money people will not be able to be equal to aristocrats. It took about 50 years to be on par with the Aristocrats," You clenched your fists, your emotions like an egg on the tip of a horn. You smiled bitterly, giving him a glare that was both glaring and mocking. Your heart aches? Oh of course, he started glorifying his family's aristocratic status to bring you down.

"Do you think Old Money is that clean? Most of them are also very greedy. Using their children for their ambitions until their children grow up to be jerks like you," Harua glared, of course he would be angry. His parents never taught him to be a bad person even though they were strict.

"Like your parents. Your family's wealth is abundant, but they are still not satisfied. Maybe they control the media so that you and Haneul are like a perfect couple. Your parents want a place in politics. You don't realize, your parents are greedy, very greedy. Always wanting abnormal perfection, yes like their attitude, abnormal and stupid. So they have a loser son. The dumbest combo ever," You said some pretty harsh words, oh really harsh ones to be exact. Cornering him with insults. How to defend yourself because he also glorifies his status.

Silence... No one said a word.

But, a few seconds later...

"YOU IDIOT GIRL! HOW DARE YOU!" Harua walked quickly towards you, as if he wanted to attack you. Making you scream in shock.

Harua grabbed your neck tightly and pushed you hard against the wall until your head hit it hard. You could feel the anger exploding from him, his face was red, and his eyes were completely blazing.

"Who do you think you are?! My parents love you so much but you insult them, you know how they are behind their backs, trash? My father helped your father to raise his poor company, his stupid company that was difficult to raise. One of the people who can make you live so full of money is my father, without my father maybe your parents would be living in a trash place! Don't forget the fact that the one you call greedy is the one who helped RAISE your fucking family. The family that gave birth to a damn bitch like you who doesn't know what gratitude is. A family that almost became part of the sewer rats," His anger really triggered him to take his insults to the highest level. Your heart is like being stabbed by a thousand knives, his words are piercing. But you realize, this is all because you were the one who insulted him first, triggering his anger when he actually just needed to sleep. He's just tired...

You also felt your breath hitch, oh of course. He was choking your neck quite hard. He also didn't realize he was 'abusing' you. "Don't forget the fact that you almost lived in a trash can or even became a prostitute without my father's help. You would only be in poverty without my father, you shameless bitch!"

"Ha-Ha-Harua let go-Heghhh!" You struggled to speak trying to catch your breath and push him away, the air slowly not seeming to enter your lungs. The strangulation factor was also strong because it was triggered by his emotions which were still exploding.

Tears started to form in your eyes, your hands trying to push him away, it was painful and could kill you from suffocation.

"H-Harua s-s-sorry, please," He still doesn't hear you, his ears are even deaf for a moment because his anger has not subsided.

With the rest of your strength, you step hard on his bare feet with the high heels you are wearing, automatically he screams in pain and releases his grip. You immediately pushed him away from you, he hit the small table beside the sofa so hard that the small lamp there fell to the floor and broke.

You immediately fell down, gulping as much air as possible after almost losing your breath. A cough that can make your chest hurt. Your neck was red, very bad. Not long after that, you immediately cried hysterically. Pour out your painful emotions.

And that's when Harua realized what he had just done. He didn't wince, his head immediately turned towards you in a 'pathetic' state. A condition he had never seen in the dozens of years he had known you. His body was shaking so hard seeing you like that, he almost killed you.

"If you want to kill me, throw me out of the balcony! Don't torture me before I die, you stupid bastard!" You screamed at him, tears already wetting your clothes.

Just because he doesn't want to understand your condition, he hurts you or even almost kills you. He insults you, belittles you because of his tiredness. "Y/N," his body was so weak from what he had done to you.

"Angel-"

"Don't come near me, you damn dick!" You snapped at him harshly as he stood up and started walking towards you. Harua stopped in his tracks, he was already crying. He messed up your feelings, even your body.

"Angel-"

"I'm not your fucking angel, Shigeta Harua! I'm a shameless bitch!" Crushed. His words had backfired on him. A painful boomerang. "I'm a lucky, ungrateful bitch who's dating an aristocrat."

"Angel no, please. For God's sake don't say that. You can hit me, but please don't say that. You're not like that, I'm the jerk here. You're not at fault here. You're not a shameless bitch," Harua cried, he hated it when you repeated the harsh words he said to you.

"You can do whatever you want, Angel. Don't say those words. Please forgive me,"

• Taki •

(Prospective Cadets!Taki x General daughter!reader)

"How could you fail the second year entrance exam?” You stare at Taki's Imperial Japanese Military Academy entrance exam results paper stating that he failed to become a cadet there. This was the second year he had tried this test, but failed for the second time.

"I don't know, maybe because I lost to the sons of high-ranking military officials," Taki smiled bitterly. I don't know why he could think like that.

"Maybe it's not your time yet, Taki. There will come a time when you can achieve it all. Many children of high-ranking military officers also failed, not all of them will pass even though they use their father's background," You rubbed Taki's shoulder, giving him words of comfort while 'refuting' that not all children of high-ranking officers entered the military easily.

But Taki was fed up, he felt like he was being pushed around by those who prioritized a child born into a high-ranking family, and that wasn't fair. Even Taki feels that there are people who are less fortunate than him, but those people can get into the things they want because of the privileges they have.

"You said that because you are the daughter of a General, Y/N. You have many privileges that can definitely make it easy for you to get what I want. You can hold power, just ask your father, and you will get it. Unlike me," Your expression immediately changed, annoyed? Oh of course, he said that as if your life didn't have such a heavy trial too.

"You blame the lucky kids who can achieve their dreams just because you failed? You should introspect why you failed, not blame those who can achieve what they want.You may fail because you may also have problems," Taki snatched the paper from your hand, made it into a ball and threw it. He crouched in front of you, giving you an angry look.

"Getting what they want but by cheating, pushing behind someone who has greater and better potential, using their money to buy a place. A place that should be owned by the right people," — Taki.

"Privilege doesn't mean they cheat, you know since childhood they have also been trained to be perfect, if they can get that place, it means they are perfect. If you fail, there are two possibilities. You are not perfect, or you cannot shine yet." — You.

"You say that because you were born a privileged child. Of course you will hide the cheating that your 'friends' do, because you must have done it too," Your heart sank, he was sad and upset because he failed in his second year, but why did he take it out on you? What did you do wrong?

"You better fix your stupid self, don't keep blaming others, Riki," you called his real name, giving him a bitter smile.

"I'm not stupid, just pushed around by privileged spoiled brats in a dirty way. I can't imagine if I married a spoiled brat, it would only cause me trouble," he didn't say it directly to you, but you immediately knew who he was referring to as Spoiled Brat. Yourself.

"You know, since I first met you, I envied your life. No pressure, complete parents, and no need to force a smile to the media or people. I wish I could be like you. I always wished I wasn't born as a general's daughter, didn't hear the fact that my mother died because she was killed by my father's rival. If my father wasn't a General, my mother would still be there. That privilege, I'd rather be pushed back by others than have that privilege. That way, I won't lose my mother," Your tone of voice is still normal, nothing has changed. But drop by drop, your tears start to flow.

"I'm not an annoying spoiled brat, I never use my father's name to get what I want. Because I know, if I continue to use privilege, I will not be able to be independent," Taki was silent, he didn't say anything. He just realized, he made a mistake. Taking out his anger on you.

"Sorry if I made a mistake with my words, Taki," You actually apologized to him first for your words that a few moments ago could have hurt him without you realizing it. In fact, you were also hurt by his words.

He messed everything up, unknowingly hurting you. The girl who always supported him and always accepted him no matter what. But, he hurt you just because he was annoyed at always failing to achieve what he wanted.

• Maki •

"You know, that necklace was a gift from my late mother! Why did you give it away so easily!" You flinch when he snaps at you harshly. Maki lent you a necklace that belonged to his late mother. Before his mother left, she said she wanted the necklace to be given to her future daughter-in-law. He had entrusted the necklace to you, but you lost it.

The necklace was very precious to Maki, because it was his mother's favorite item. Maki always guarded it carefully.

"I'm sorry, Maki," you were almost crying and shaking, seeing her like this must have scared you. Maki was really this angry. It's like he wants to eat you alive. "What did you say? Sorry? Your apology will be useless if the necklace my mother left me doesn't return to me! I want that necklace back!" He gripped your upper arm tightly, making you wince in pain.

"I want that necklace back, do you fucking understand?!" —Maki

"I will replace it with a new one, with the exact same design," — You

"No, I want my mother's original necklace, not an exact replica. Give me back the necklace or I'll end this relationship, Y/N. We're done if you can't get the necklace back," You glared as he threatened to end your relationship if you couldn't bring back his mother's necklace that you said had been lost somewhere.

Maki released his grip and walked out of your house, but you immediately pulled his hand back. "I admit I was wrong and I can't return your mother's necklace, but I don't want it to end, Maki," You sobbed, gripping his arm tightly, you were afraid of losing him forever because of this. Maki smiled bitterly, looking at you with hurt.

"So return the necklace to me, Y/N. If you can't, then goodbye, I don't want to see your face again," Maki pushed you quite roughly, he didn't realize that he was taking out his anger too much, not thinking about what he had just said.

"Well if you really want it to end, because I won't be able to return the necklace. The necklace is in the hands of the robber," Maki stopped in his tracks when he heard your slightly choked words. Robber?

"If I hurt you, I apologize for not being able to look after your late mother's belongings. Because actually I didn't lose it because I was careless, last night I was robbed on the street and threatened, Maki," His jaw dropped when he heard what you said, the water bottle he was holding fell to the floor. His girl was robbed. At night, and he couldn't help.

You lowered your head, clenching your palms as you told the real reason why his mother's necklace was lost in your hands. It was because you were robbed. "Not only your mother's necklace, my cellphone, wallet, and bag were also taken by them. They threatened to kill me if I reported this to anyone else. I was so scared, they also pointed a gun at me," If Maki couldn't support his own body, he would definitely collapse to the floor. His girl almost lost her life last night, but he just made her feel even more hurt. That night, Maki could lose the woman he loves for the second time.

"By God, if I could save your mother's necklace, I would rather give up my belongings than cause you pain." You sobbed even harder, guilt filling you.

Maki realized that he hurt you, even after you had an incident. You should have been hugged and asked nicely why the necklace was missing. Maki couldn't even see when you were 'lying' you were shaking so much. Because he was already filled with a furious anger.

Suddenly, you felt a warm hug come to you. Maki hugged you tightly with tears that were no less tight than yours. "Screw that necklace, my mom would kill me if she were still alive for seeing me treat you like this, Y/N. Oh my gosh, up there he must have swore at me," He hugged your body tightly, he trembled violently imagining what it would be like if what he was hugging was your lifeless body.

He hurt you after you almost lost your life, he even threatened you by leaving you if you couldn't bring back his mother's necklace.

[onyxbird]

OK, turns out I'm not done way overanalyzing the hospital scene from "The Nigerian Job." But in the interests of not continuing to spam the poor stranger who touched off that conversation, I'll dump the new overanalysis into its own post. @trivalentlinks @wolves-in-the-world

As I've been thinking about this, I'm just fascinated by what the setup seems to imply about their choices here:

1. Nate and Hardison are both handcuffed to hospital beds--Nate unconscious, Hardison apparently only still on the bed because he doesn't know how get himself out of handcuffs.

2. Parker is free of her cuffs and pacing. (She gets handcuffed to the bed after feigning nausea to lure the doctors in.) Her dialog implies she has already formulated a plan for getting at least herself out (that will be ruined if Eliot kills someone).

3. Eliot is sitting in a chair, handcuffed to the arm. Going off of other Hollywood hospital scenes, I assume Eliot being in a chair reflects both being very minimally injured and some off-screen grifting on his part. He'd want to be cuffed to the relatively light-and-compact chair instead of a bed, since he could maneuver and fight without necessarily having to get the cuffs off first, which would be consistent with his assertion that "I can take these cops"--he's got an escape plan, too.

The dialog also indicates that 1) they have been in the hospital with Nate unconscious for at least 20 minutes (because that's how long ago they were fingerprinted) and 2) everyone else has been conscious since before getting brought to the hospital (Parker: "Cops and firemen got there just as we were waking up.").

So, all three of them sat there for at least 20 minutes waiting for Nate to wake up, knowing their time before their identities were uncovered was ticking away, and none of them just ditched the others and left.

Eliot and Parker both had exit plans that were plausible given their skills displayed in the rest of the series--Eliot almost certainly could have gotten the jump on the cops immediately guarding them, probably using the chair as a weapon, gotten the handcuff keys from them if necessary, and plowed his way through any remaining resistance; Parker could have found an openable window or a vent system or a route through a drop ceiling or something to sneak out. Eliot had even more of an advantage that his "roommate" was unconscious--Parker and Hardison wouldn't have known he was abandoning them until they heard him fighting the cops, and that would have been too late for them to ruin his plan by eliminating the element of surprise.

Like, part of me wants to say I'm probably reading too much into this--the writers needed the rest of them to still be there when Nate woke up or it would break the story... but that "problem" only exists because they chose to knock Nate out for 20+ minutes*. If the team was supposed to still be hostile and in every-man-for-himself mode, then all they would have had to do would be have Nate wake up with the others and them all start bickering as soon as the cops leave earshot.

They waited for Nate. The dialog didn't suggest that they were waiting for Nate to make the plan--maybe they wanted to make sure everyone made it out; maybe they just wanted to make sure Nate was OK, but either way they all stuck around for 20 minutes when it probably wasn't in their personal best interests in terms of escape and 2/3 had exit plans already. They may not trust each other yet, but they do seem to have decided to make sure everyone's accounted for before they split up.

*I'm going to ignore the fact that Nate probably has some serious brain injury if he was unconscious for 20+ minutes because Leverage clearly works on Hollywood harmless knock-out logic.

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

Aftermath au: Red Letter Day

Barney gets a call that Gordon Freeman had been found after ten years of being missing in action.

Word count: 4382

Notes: Another fic for my au "Aftermath" because I think its neat. I'm not sure what else to put here, enjoy the fic

Barney was beginning to remember how much he hated Winter as he stared through the warehouse window in front of him. Despite it being the beginning of March, spring was yet to come, meaning the snow was still falling with the temperature following suit. Barney had always hated the season, and as much as he tried, he could never come up with a proper reason. Maybe it was the fact it was cold, wet, and dreary, making any trip outside miserable, or perhaps it was the fact he was mainly cooped up inside all day, leaving him to get cabin fever. Or maybe it was a mixture of those two at the same time, along with the loneliness that came from them. No matter the reason, Barney kept quiet about it, realizing he had no ability to change the weather. All he could do was drink his hot coffee and put on a few more layers than usual. 

Barney took a sip from his mug as he looked away from the window, instead focusing his attention back into the room he was in. It was a storage room, full of random junk and scientific doodads Barney had no knowledge of. Boxes and crates were stacked up in piles taller than he was, stacked in such a way that it made Barney nervous even being near them in the case of them toppling over. Due to the lack of a radiator in that room, it was even chillier than the rest of the refurbished warehouse, making Barney glad he was wearing the warmest sweatpants he could find in his closet, along with a worn out grey hoodie, with the logo on the front being so faded that it was hard to make out as Black Mesa’s logo.

As he looked around, he was startled by the sound of a box slamming against the concrete floor, along with a short exclamation. “Oh, blast it!” “You alright, Doc?” Barney asked the other man in the room, watching as he bent over to pick up the fallen crate.

“I’m fine, just…hoping whatever was in here isn’t fragile…” 

Dr. Isaac Kleiner, or “Doc” as Barney referred to him as, was wearing a white lab coat over a robin-egg-blue dress-shirt and black tie, trading warmth for safety at his place of work. His glasses were slipping off his face as he moved boxes and rummaged through everything in the storage room, making it even more of a mess than it was before. 

“Where on earth could she have gone?” Kleiner asked, not necessarily expecting an answer. “There aren’t any vents she could have crawled in, are there?”

“I hope not,” Barney stated. “Last thing I want is that thing to fall on someone.” As Kleiner looked under a table, Barney spoke up again. “You think it ran off or something?”

“Oh no, I don’t believe so,” Kleiner stood up straight, “I’m sure she wouldn’t. After all, she needs to get fed eventually, so I imagine she’ll come out for that.” “If the thing didn’t eat someone's cat or something.”

“Hush!” Kleiner held a finger up to his mouth, causing both he and Barney to become silent as he listened closely. Barney attempted to hear what Kleiner was listening for, but to no avail, hearing nothing but silence. “Fie! I could’ve sworn I heard her moving around…”

Barney let out an exhausted sigh, “Doc, please, there’s plenty of those pests out there–”

“But there’s only ONE Lamar!”

“...Right.”

“Now, are you going to help me look?” Kleiner adjusted his crooked glasses, “Or are you going to simply stand there, doing nothing?”

“Uh…” Barney glanced away, thinking for a moment. “...No thanks.”

“Oh, you act like she’s some kind of wild animal.”

“It kinda is.”

“She’s been de-beaked and trained, and you know this!” Kleiner stated as he walked towards a filing cabinet near the corner of the room.

“‘Trained;’ I don’t think that thing is really…trained. My dog is trained, and I know you can train cats, but I don’t think you can train a literal parasite–”

“Oh! I think I’ve got something!” Kleiner said excitedly, “Help me move this cabinet, would you please?”

Barney reluctantly approached the metal cabinet as Kleiner positioned himself to the side of it, ready to move it as soon as Barney was. As soon as Barney placed his free hand against the side of it, he pushed, with Kleiner on the other side pulling it towards him.

Barney let out a loud yelp when something leaped at him from behind the cabinet, causing him to fall on his back and drop his mug on the floor. It was Lamar, the “Pet” headcrab that Kleiner had lost, and it was even uglier up close. As it laid on Barney’s chest, its six small, beady eyes stared back at him as he remained absolutely still, afraid of it trying to attack him. Its teeth on its stomach prodded at his stomach, along with its chipped, large front claws, which had colorful duct-tape covering the tips of them to prevent them from being too sharp. After a few moments of tense silence, Kleiner came to the rescue, picking up Lamar from where it rested on Barney’s torso, allowing him to take a breath.

“LAMAR!” Kleiner exclaimed, looking at his pet with relief in his eyes, “Oh, delightful! I’m so happy to see you weren’t left out in the cold somewhere…”

“Mm-hm…” Barney lifted himself off the ground, looking at his feet to see his knocked over coffee cup, with its contents spilled over. “Ugh…” 

Barney picked up his cup from the floor as Kleiner let Lamar go, watching as it waddled across the floor before jumping up onto one of the tables. Barney stared at it with contempt, the opposite reaction to Lamar’s rediscovery compared to Kleiner’s joy. 

“Do you even have a license for that thing?” Barney questioned as Lamar sat down on top of some loose documents. “If you don’t and animal control finds it, they’ll kill it–”

“I’m…in the process of getting one,” Kleiner stated, voice stumbling slightly. “And I hope no one finds her, cause if they do…I’m afraid of what you said coming true. I’m sure it will be fine regardless, at least she knows to stay inside.”

“...Sure.”

“Is everyone safe?”

Barney and Kleiner turned towards the doorway that led to the rest of the warehouse, seeing a lone, albino Vortigaunt staring back at them with her four maroon eyes. She was wearing a similar lab coat to Kleiner’s, with a borrowed pair of black dress pants, along with a fitted light brown sweater, with a hole in the middle of her chest for her third pseudo arm. She stared at Kleiner and Barney for a little while before Barney answered her question. 

“Yeah, we’re fine…” Barney sighed, glancing towards Lamar, “We just found Kleiner’s…pet.”

“Everything’s under control, Violet, you can get back to work!” Kleiner added.

“I see.” Violet’s gravelly voice seemed quieter than usual, making Barney’s brows furrow a bit.

“You alright?” He asked.

Violet seemed puzzled. “Hm?”

“Are you doing alright? I have noticed you’ve been a bit…closed off for the past few hours.” Kleiner inquired.

“We have been…distracted…” Violet responded. “I imagine it will be cleared up soon.”

“We?” Barney asked.

Violet didn’t answer. “I must get back to helping the others…the teleporter is nearly ready for its first test...”

“Oh! Wonderful. I’ll be there in a little bit.” Kleiner stated as Violet left the room. Barney remained puzzled, looking back at Kleiner with a feeling of unease in his chest.

“She said ‘we’.” Barney stated.

“I’m aware,” Kleiner responded. “You see, the Vortigaunts are able to tap into something they refer to as the ‘Vortessence’, and are thus all conne–”

“I know, Doc, I just…” Barney paused for a second. “If she’s talking about all the Vortigaunts, then wouldn’t that be a bit worrying?”

“...Maybe, but I'm not sure.” Kleiner stated. “Though, one of the members of the survey team we sent earlier today was a Vortigaunt, and that team hasn’t returned yet so…maybe there is a connection there.”

“Maybe.”

“Either way, I believe i’ll go and speak with her, just to make sure everything’s alri–”

Barney’s phone ringing from his pocket interrupted their thoughts, and when Barney pulled it out of his pocket and flipped it open, he saw the number was from one of his coworkers at the hospital. “Sorry, I gotta take this.”

“You’re fine, you go ahead and I’ll go check in with the others.”

Barney nodded, watching Kleiner leave the room before he answered the call and put his phone up to his ear.

“Hello?”

Barney listened closely to the person on the other end of the phone, barely processing what they were saying. 

“What’s going on? 

Not going to believe what? 

So what, why are you telling me this?”

Barney listened closely, all before he felt his heart skip a beat. The sinking feeling in his chest was enough to render him silent, all before he let out a meek “I’ll call you later.”

Barney rushed out of the room, running past Kleiner in the process, nearly pushing him over as he approached the exit. “Barney? What’s going on, are you alright–” “They found him.” Barney’s voice shook as he spoke, with him barely being able to make out the words from how tight his throat was.

“Found who?”

Barney was already out of the building by the time Kleiner asked the question, leaving it unanswered.

Barney saw his own breath clouding in front of his face as he sprinted across the parking lot of the warehouse, nearly slipping on ice multiple times but not giving any time to care. When he reached his car, he swung the door open and crawled inside, starting the engine and speeding off without a single word. His thoughts ran through his head faster than his car was capable of going, slurring together without a single cohesive thought coming through. He didn’t care if he was a few miles above the speed limit; he needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. He needed to see if what his coworker said was right.

If it was truly Gordon Freeman that was brought into the ER, he needed to be there.

When Barney made it to the hospital lot, he rushed through the front doors, looking around before approaching the front desk, out of breath from both the physical and mental strain that was put on him. Through harsh breaths, he asked, “Is Gordon Freeman here?”, with pleading eyes focused on the woman behind the desk.

“Oh, hello Mr. Calhoun, I can look through the system for a ‘Gordon Freeman’, if you’ll sit tight for a moment.” She looked towards the computer in front of her, typing in something and looking through files as Barney waited, his impatience building up inside of him.

“Fuck this.” He pushed himself away from the desk, storming down one of the hallways despite the woman at the front desk telling him he wasn’t allowed to as he was off duty. Barney rushed past hospital workers, asking them if they knew where Gordon was, only to be met with worried and frightened looks along with no answers. Barney’s frustration only grew as he ran through the hospital halls, with the familiar building beginning to feel like a maze meant to confuse him. As he ran further into the hospital wing, he slammed against one of the doctors in the hall, causing him to topple to the ground as Barney tripped over his own feet.

“Sorry, I just have to–”

“Barney? What the hell are you doing back here?” The man questioned as Barney sped past him.

“I’m looking for Gordon Freeman,” Barney answered, turning around. “Have you seen him?”

“He’s in the ER right now,” The man snapped back as he slowly stood up. “You can’t see him until he’s out of surgery.”

“Surgery? Is he safe? Is he alright?” Barney questioned, walking closer to the doctor. 

“Yes, he’ll be fine, just…” The doctor let out a tired sigh. “Get out of here, you’re off duty and risking your job with a stunt like this.”

“I need to see Gordon, alright?” Barney explained. “He’s been gone for a fucking DECADE, and he’s been found again, I can’t just leave him–”

“Calhoun.” The man raised his voice as he glared at Barney with a look of both contempt and pity. “...Listen, just wait until he’s out and I’ll see what I can do, do you understand?”

Barney remained silent for a moment, letting out a sharp breath before nodding. “Alright,” He stated, defeated. “But he better be getting the best treatment in there.”

“I’m sure they’re doing all they can, they understand his reputation–”

“I don’t care about his reputation, if i’m right, that’s my goddamn friend in there.” Barney spat. “...Let me know when he’s out. I need to at least…make sure it’s…the right guy.”

“I’m sure someone will let you know.” The doctor stated. “...Now please go back to the waiting room before I call security.”

Barney did as he was told, reluctantly walking across the hospital premises and back into the waiting room, where he will stay for another few hours. He paced around the room, bounced his foot up and down, fidgeted with his hands; anything to try and pass the time as the minutes passed by agonizingly slow. After he had already been there for what felt like days within the timespan of a few hours, he saw a nurse walk towards him. “Mr. Calhoun?”

Barney’s head lifted up, looking towards the nurse before following her down a hallway. After a couple-minutes walk, they stopped in front of a door leading to a recovery room. “He’s in there,” The nurse stated. “He’s currently sleeping, so I ask you to be quiet and not attempt to wake him up.”

“...Yeah.” Barney hesitated before walking through the door, stepping into the room, seeing a curtain blocking his view of the bed. He paused, standing in place for a moment as he wondered if the face he was about to see was truly Gordon, or simply someone mistaken as him. He wondered if he wanted the answer, or if he’d rather live in ignorance, avoiding the crippling disappointment if it wasn’t the man he thought it was, but as he walked past the curtain, every worry in his mind ceased and his thoughts became silent as he looked at the man on the bed.

Sure, his body was covered with blood-soaked bandages, his right leg was in a cast, he had medical equipment around him, and he was missing his glasses, but his face was painfully recognizable. Barney choked back a sob, covering his mouth when he saw Gordon’s face again.

“Are you alright?” The nurse behind him asked, noticing Barney’s teary-eyed look.

“I’m fine.” Barney whispered before letting out a short chuckle and a forced smile. “It’s just…he didn’t change a damn bit.”

Barney hadn’t even noticed it had been an hour since he entered the room, being surprised when he glanced at the clock and saw it was nearing 10 PM. He sat on a chair beside Gordon’s bed, having moved it from the corner of the room to right beside it. His leg bounced up and down as he looked at Gordon, all before lowering his head and letting out a deep sigh. He wished to speak to him but he was out of words he could possibly say at that very moment, not to mention the wish to stay quiet so Gordon could recover without being woken up. He wanted to tell Gordon everything that had happened in his absence; how Kleiner started up another lab to continue Black Mesa’s studies, how Eli also set up one on the other side of the city, and how Barney had finished college and was able to become a nurse. Gordon missed so much, and even though Barney wished to dump every piece of information onto him, he realized that even the realization that it had been ten years would be overwhelming enough. Thus, Barney figured to start simple, and just talk, like friends, for the first time since the Black Mesa incident.

As Barney leaned back into his seat he felt the back of his head hit something that wasn’t there before, feeling bitter cold yet organic at the same time, like a corpse’s fingers curling around the top of the backrest. He swung around, half expecting someone to be there, yet he saw nothing of the sort, seeing only the beige wall behind him. Barney let out his breath, looking back at Gordon before realizing he should head back; his stress and emotional state must have made him paranoid, not to mention the feeling of his hair standing on end. He stood up, walking towards the door out of the room before taking one last look back at Gordon before he finally left.

Later that night, Barney paced around his living room, being watched by his pet rottweiler as he talked on the phone. “The Survey team were the ones that found him?” he asked.

“That’s what they said,” Kleiner stated from the other side of the line. “The Vortigaunt was apparently the one that found him, specifically.”

“I see.”

“Quite Miraculous,” Kleiner continued, “The fact that Gordon had survived there for ten years before being found.”

“Yeah…” Barney unsurely stated under his breath.

“Nevermind that, what are you planning now?” Kleiner asked. “Should we have some kind of party? A celebration should be in order for him being back, I’d say–”

“I think he needs rest, he’s…been through a lot.” Barney stated. “I’ve thought of him staying over at my place until he can find a place of his own or until he recovers, but we’ll see how he’s feeling.”

“Are you sure? I’m sure we can find a spare room in the lab for him.”

“I dunno if he’d wanna live in a loud lab with a headcrab, doc.”

“...I suppose you have a fair point.”

“It was just so…strange.” Barney stated. “They say it was a ten year coma, but I don’t buy it. I don’t buy it at all.” “What makes you believe that?” 

“The fact he was bleeding. The fact he had fresh wounds from Black Mesa,” Barney elaborated, brows furrowed and his free arm crossing over his chest. “Not to mention the fact he was found with that…suit on.” “What kind of suit?” Kleiner questioned. “Oh, do you mean the Hazardous Environment Suit?”

“Yeah. Why would he be wearing it ten years after the incident was already over?”

“Who knows,” Kleiner sighed, “I’m sure I can talk with Eli to see if he has any ideas on–” Kleiner was interrupted by a loud crash and squeaking coming from behind him, audible through Barney’s phone. “Goodness gracious, LAMAR, NO–”

“You alright Doc?” 

“I’ll have to speak with you later, Lamar got in the vents again–Lamar get DOWN from there, that’s not safe!” After that, the call ended, and Barney was left to himself once again. Barney sighed, putting his phone back in his pocket before he heard a deep ruff coming from his dog, who was laying next to the couch in the living room, with its white patches of fur on its snout showing its age.

“You hear that, Gordon?” Barney said. “You might get a new roommate…a…different Gordon.”

The dog yawned and rested his head on his paws as Barney walked towards the living room couch, sitting on it and resting his feet on the coffee table in front of it. He leaned over the armrest, scratching the top of the dog’s head. “Guess I’ll have to explain to him why you’re also named Gordon, huh bud?”

Gordon didn’t respond, instead just letting out a soft ruff again. Barney leaned back in his seat, staring up at the ceiling before folding his hands on top of his stomach. He wasn’t looking forward to explaining why his pet was named after his friend, he realized. After all, it’s not very easy to tell someone you thought they were dead for years.

As soon as Barney received the call that Gordon was awake the following evening, Barney rushed back to the hospital to visit him once again. As he drove across the city, worries he didn’t think about before began to creep up inside his brain. Even though he didn’t necessarily believe the coma theory the doctors had, nor did he believe even they believed it fully, he thought of the possibility of it being true, and if Gordon would even remember who Barney was after a full decade of sleep. It would be a surprise if Gordon remembered anything after that amount of time, but Barney pushed down his pessimism, trying to be optimistic just this once.

After making his way down the hospital hallway once again, he found himself back in front of the door to Gordon’s room, with a nervous feeling deep in his gut as he prepared to walk inside. He took in a breath and stepped inside, looking towards the bed in which Gordon was laying on, only to have his gaze met by two bright green eyes, ones Barney hadn't seen since ten years prior. Barney froze in place, staring back at Gordon, who appeared to be surprised to see him. As Barney sat down in the chair beside the bed, he swallowed hard, wondering what he could possibly say now that Gordon was awake. As he thought to himself, a question left his mouth that he wasn’t initially planning on asking:

“Where were you?”

The question lingered in the air like a foul odor, with Gordon’s brows furrowing lip quivering slightly, all while he curled his hands into fists. He turned away from Barney, looking down at his feet, thinking of something to say, though his hands didn’t once lift up to sign a single word.

“You…disappear for 10 years without warning,” Barney continued. “Leaving everyone to believe you were dead.”

Gordon didn’t make eye contact with Barney as he spoke.

“I thought you were dead and buried somewhere, Gordon,” Barney choked. “But…You’re here in front of me now.”

Gordon glanced at Barney before he felt arms being wrapped around his shoulders, tight, but not too tight to make it hurt.

“I fucking missed you, Gordon.” Barney said as he hugged Gordon, feeling the gesture being returned to him. Gordon’s hands shook, feeling weak and cold, yet he didn’t want to let go of the single shred of kindness he had felt since what felt like eternity. After a few moments Barney let go, sitting back down with red, tear-filled eyes. 

“...You…missed a lot.” Barney stated; Gordon nodded knowingly in response. “I’d tell ya’ everything, but…I don’t even know how to start.”

“Are they safe?” Gordon’s hands were shaking, but Barney could make out the message regardless.

“Who, like…Kleiner? Eli?”

Gordon nodded slightly, lips pursed in anticipation. 

“They’re alright,” Barney assured, allowing Gordon to let out a breath. “In fact…they’re excited to see you again. Kleiner especially, he’s hoping to get you back into his lab…don’t know if you want to do that, but the offer’s there.”

Gordon appeared to have had a weight lifted off his shoulders at the news, but the cold yet somber gaze didn’t leave his eyes. Barney planned to tell Gordon that they were among the few survivors of the Black Mesa incident, but he bit his tongue for the time being.

“...Never thought you’d be in the history books, did ya?” Barney let out a lighthearted chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood. “You’re a hero in everyone’s eyes, now.”

Gordon shook his head, looking down and away from Barney’s gaze as he clasped his hands together on his lap. Barney stared at him with a look of confusion and worry, all before forcefully clearing his throat. 

“I’m just…happy to see you alive, Gordon.” Barney stated. “After…a few years I began to…to lose hope.” Barney paused for a second, realizing Gordon was still not meeting his gaze. “...Should’ve known you were a tougher son of a bitch than that, I guess.”

Gordon scoffed slightly before shaking his head again, still staring at his feet. Silence fell as Barney attempted to think of something else to say to ease the tense atmosphere, though his thoughts were blank and void of any ideas. Barney looked towards Gordon yet again, seeing he was raising his hands up to sign something:

“Missed you too.”

Barney smiled slightly, despite feeling as if he wanted to cry right then and there. He never anticipated he’d be this emotional in his life, yet here he was; about to cry for the second time that day. Seeing his legally dead friend after ten years of being missing in action was enough to warrant it, he supposed.

“I’m sure the others will be happy to show you everything they’ve been working on,” Barney said, with Gordon finally looking back up at him, before looking directly behind him, “They’ve been working on a new telepor–”

Gordon flinched, staring at something behind Barney before attempting to crawl backwards, nearly ripping off his IV in the process. Barney looked behind him, seeing nothing but the wall before he heard a loud thud coming from the bed. He turned, seeing Gordon had fallen off of the bed and onto the cold linoleum floor. “Gordon!” Barney quickly ran to his aid, holding out an arm for Gordon to grab, lifting him off of the floor. When weight was put onto his right leg, Gordon grimaced, using Barney as leverage as he was put back onto the bed. “Jeez Gordon, what got you freaked out so ba–”

Barney was silenced when Gordon hugged him without warning. Barney could hear him quietly sobbing into his shoulder, and as he returned the hug, he wondered if he had ever seen Gordon so touchy before; It was as if he hadn’t had human contact in days. This time however, Barney wasn’t quick to let go. The last thing he wanted to do was leave his best friend behind again.

Not this time.

[chosen-confessions]

Hey there. Never made one of these "Rotomblrs" so bear with me.

You can call me S. He/him but I don’t really care. Made this blog because I recently found out there are others like me and my friends out there across the multiverse and, not really surprisingly if I'm being honest, shit sucks for them too.

Since it doesn't look like there's any therapist out there centered around working with (mostly) children who have saved the world and deal with divine responsibilities, I thought at least maybe making a blog like this would help. Feel free to come here to vent about any of your chosen-related frustrations. You’re not alone.

More info under cut.

QnA:

“What’s a chosen?”:

To sum it up, someone who has some sort of special connection with a Legendary Pokémon. The… details of what this entails varies from universe to universe.

“How do you know if you’re a chosen?”:

Like I said, varies heavily from universe to universe. Owning a Legendary doesn’t automatically make you one necessarily, but like, it could depending on how things work where you’re from. I wouldn’t know. In most circumstances I see, telltale signs of being a chosen are usually: Telepathic communication with your patron deity, the appearance of powers, fleshing out, having SOME kind of duty that involves working with your patron in one way or another, etc. Again, these might not be the case at all in some universes, or maybe some are and some aren’t. I really have no way of knowing. Either way, if you think you might fall under this umbrella in any sorta way, you’re welcome here.

“What’s fleshing out?”:

(Warning, this one is gross. Discussions of blood and vomiting ahead.)

Basically the process of… becoming a demigod, for lack of better word. ‘Least that’s what we consider it in my world. Not every universe has it I’m pretty sure, but who knows. The most common symptom of this is… ichor or “god’s blood” appearing in your veins. Which means evicting whatever’s in there right now. Through your mouth, typically. THAT part usually lasts about a night. (I think I’ve seen universes where it also involves growing new body parts similar to your patron’s, but we don’t have anything like that in mine.)

If you have any other questions, let me know. My knowledge is, once again, mostly restricted to my universe, but I’ll try and help the best I can.

About me:

I won’t try and go too much into my personal life, but I’m an adult. Chosen of Lugia, I helped save the world with it when I was a kid. It’s still with me, but still goes off to tend to its own deity business now and then. I’m a Elite Four member, and I have a husband who I love very much. He’s a chosen of Celebi and a Pokéathlete. You might see him on here from time to time, call him E.

I also like Weavile a lot, which explains the profile picture. Might change it to something more fitting later.

Anyways, some general rules: While I might have some decent life advice here and there, I’m not qualified to give out professional therapy advice. Please keep that in mind. I won’t be adding my two cents on most submissions anyways, unless I really think it might be needed. This is mainly a vent zone.

Confession posts will be tagged with #confessions.

OOC:

hi! @scrappyscales here again. thought this type of blog would be fun and relatively easy to run, especially since I have a lot of characters who are heavily involved with the chosen side of rotomblr.

also: I’d like to credit my friend Deerly so the “fleshing out” concept! it something me and a lotta other folks on the chosen discord accepted into our canons, but you don’t have to if you don’t want

same universe as @pinkpoweredpunk !

Pelipper Mail/Variants: ON

Mystery Gift: ON

Magic Anons: OFF

Union Circle: ON (ask me first)

[scapeg8ats]

(Sorry for this being a long post, it became a rant/vent and a lot of thoughts. Someday I'll shut up about this I SWEAR lol. There's a TL;DR at the end.)

Maybe I'm not even interested in syscourse outside of learning more about plurality and its connections outside of CDDs and why someone may see themselves as plural or really any way of not seeing oneself as One Singular Self (whether it has to do with a disorder or it's a cultural/religious/etc. reason). Or I guess that does make me interested in syscourse. Just not echo chamber syscourse.

Like I'm sorry but y'all are fucking mean. I LOVE having discussions where I can learn and understand other perspectives. I guess to steal SAS's label, I'm very pro-syscourse conversation (though—and this isn't to bash SAS AT ALL—to me that feels redundant because syscourse is supposed to be conversation anyway. But it's not so the label is necessary). I want to learn. I want to be educated. I want to discuss this, even with people who disagree with me, because I want knowledge of other perspectives.

But it is so hard to find syscourse spaces that AREN'T echo chamber syscourse spaces. The desire to attain knowledge is stomped out by attaching inherent morality to labels that can be boiled down to one argument: Do you or do you not believe that plurality is exclusive to CDDs?

And shockingly this has more nuance than "endos are/n't valid". What may cause someone to see themselves as plural without a CDD? And the answers are vast and could be a FASCINATING discussion. Not even necessarily a debate, just learning more about people. And yet the answer to this question isn't even considered before so many people just go "[extremely loud incorrect buzzer noise]" and shut it down.

Maybe, ironically, this is me struggling to understand perspective. But I don't understand the lack of interest in wanting to understand, despite having experienced it myself. And even that, I want to understand. But I know that the fact that because of the nature of my opinions, I would be marked pro-endo, and shut out of that discussion. And it's INFURIATING because I respect the fact that they don't want to interact with me but I just don't understand!

There is endless room for discussion that's shut out and it's frustrating. It's heartbreaking. I want there to be discussion. But there won't be until the echo chambers start to open their fucking eyes.

I remember the moment for me was when someone in the Twitter dissociatwt community who I really respected, who always provided good resources, who was reliable and kind and honest...was pro-syscourse conversation. And my knee-jerk reaction was almost betrayal. How could someone that I respected be a pro-endo??

But I realized that they didn't stop being reliable because of this. Some of y'all will discount doctors who have been studying plurality, trauma, and dissociation longer than some of you have been alive because they're a stinky smelly "pro-endo". Therapists and doctors and the like who go "Why isn't it possible" get discounted because of this when they, too, just want to understand. Because with all due respect and in the most positive way, they're a bunch of nerds. And I don't understand. I don't understand how you can do that.

And that's really the thing. I don't understand and I'm not given the space to understand because my stance is somehow morally wrong. I'm not virtue signaling right. Sometimes for both sides. And it's awful.

TL;DR, I don't understand and am frustrated by echo chamber syscourse. That's it. That's all this long-ass post is saying. I don't get it. It didn't need a post but a lot of me just started Talking and did not stop.

[jev-urisk]

A Musing Monday 🎐

Today i'm musing about connections and how they are often synonymous with our opportunities, our ability to survive, and our thoughts- therefor changing who we are and who will become. Also coin metaphors 🪙

Last Tuesday out of the blue one of my partners was laid off, he started a new job two days later because he knows people who work at a cabinet mill. 🙏

My family made the most healing ratatouille that we ate off of all weekend because someone I know from work had too many eggplants. 🍆📈

We got our house thanks to the efforts of a friend with a real-estate license. I got the contact info for my current therapist from a girlfriend. I have a song stuck in my head from a child I work with and I pick up catchphrases from people on tv and I know how to do pushups for the 1st time in my life bc an online friend taught me how. 🔥💪

Its fun and frightening to think about- that we are obelisks of pennies created from every person that gave us their two cents 🪙🪙

If every trait, thought, inclination, or idea of yours was a coin- which of your coins are old, passed down through the generations until they were shuffled into your hands? Which are invaluable? Like my dads tendency to accept things (like my gayness and transness and polyness) as long as no one is getting hurt, which I know he got from my grandfather ❤️. Which coins are a burden you dont know how to get rid of? Like my mother's propensity to say "It could be worse, think of__ (children in Africa, Houseless folk, etc)" which has become my tendency to minimize my own experiences and neglect to give myself breaks 🫠. Which coins did you find on the sidewalk and which sit with you in your car? Which are made of metals you're allergic to? Which are tarnished and scratched but still good? Which coins of yours are most valuable to you? 🎐

There are so many times in my life where I felt like I couldn't get a leg up, and the only way I got through was stacking pennies, adding up my connections and the ghosts of connections past to try to escape the pit..

With that in mind I want to take a moment to shout out the change (🥁) that others have gifted me with recently, cuz boy buddy have I needed to stack pennies lately, but have been so blessed to have so many new coins.

Thanks @sableglass, the fire you put into the world ignited action into me. I spent a year lamenting the loss of a job until your 'fuck it we ball' attitude inspired me to get resolved about that 🤽‍♂️. I got a job offer today. You helped me get here.

Thanks @the-golden-comet , you were one of the first writblr blogs I came across. You shaped my idea of tumblr to be something positive and uplifting during a very hard time for me 🫂. Your stories are so free and wild (🐳💦) and wonderful that they changed my outlook on being a writer and that what im 'allowed' to put in a story is anything but a limiting factor. You taught me that the course of a day can be changed with a simple frog gif and that you dont necessarily need to know someone to know how much they care. 🐸💕

Thanks to @tragedycoded for DMLS and @words-after-midnight for Libaw. Yall write the mentalscape of various conditions so well that im taking better care of myself 🧠🌿. I'm more proud of the work I've put into myself. And i'm becoming proud of the person I could have become but didn't.

Thank you to @lychhiker-writes for being my first homie on tumblr and for letting me vent my various frustrations into your dms 😏😅, and for being a brave and honest alpha reader for 7C.

Thank you @wyked-ao3 and @cowboybrunch and @gioiaalbanoart for being such great cheerleaders for my writing 😭💕 seeing yall connect and feel your feelings in my comments gives me so much hope and happiness and I honesty dont thank yall enough. I finally finished ch8 (no, really, check the doc 👀) and your encouragement helped me really embrace Seeker, who I used to think was too boring, and get that chapter finished 🏁.

There are so many others and I'm sorry for not naming them all 🙏 but if I have read your work, thank you. If I follow you or you follow me, thank you. If we have ever bonked together in a discord chat like two wayward beyblades 💞- *Thank You*

Today, I feel like I'm finally out of the pit, and it's thanks to the random 2 cents and spare change yall have gifted me. Your influence is priceless. 🥰💰

(Still no taglist for Monday posts yet, hmu if you'd like to be on it!)

[polyamorousmood]

My gf (mtf) is fairly monogamous but I'm not necessarily, especially with sex. I have an offer from our mutual male friend (cis) to try penetration since I (afab nb) am terrified but curious about it and he's one of the only cis guys I'd feel comfortable trying that with. I have hooked up with him once before, prior to meeting my gf, and it was really good. My gf is fairly supportive about it, one of the things that really works for us sex-wise is that neither of us want penetration in our relationship. I'm just absolutely terrified of making her insecure and ruining her friendship with our friend. I know I can function fine with blurring the lines between sex, friends, and partners, but she's got the trauma of an ultra-Christian childhood and has so much constant dysphoria that I'm scared something like this could ruin our relationship. We talked so much when he first offered and I know she's not opposed, but I just keep thinking about all the horror stories I've read about couples opening up their relationship or trying poly after being mono and it ruining them. Especially if I end up wanting it more than just once with our friend. I don't particularly need advice, I'm just laying in bed next to her in the dark scrolling horrifying stories on Reddit while talking with our friend over text getting all up in my head about our dynamics and I don't have anyone to vent to about this right now. I figure a polyam blog on tumblr will at least understand that nuances that come with figuring this stuff out. Thanks for listening

It's really fair that you'd be worried about this, and it's a really good sign for everything that you want to do this consciously and carefully - if at all. Sincerely the worst thing about polyamory (and related things) is how isolating it can be. 😣Oftentimes, the only person you can even discuss problems with is the partner who is also all up in the problem. Which I clearly don't need to explain to you how that sucks.

You said you didn't need anything but listening. But like, it's me. So.... 🤷‍♀️

Reddit and the forums are the mother of all selection biases: happy people generally don't feel the need to post about their lives online, and people who have found something sustainable but not completely perfect don't feel like their input is valuable because they "still have problems" even though how things can work really well or well enough is probably some of the most valuable information to you!

It's not your fault if your partner lies about or grossly mis-estimates her okayness level on this. And if she is the type of person to usually lies about or grossly mis-estimates her okayness level with things, its bound to be a problem at some point, even if you can successfully avoid it being a problem on this one issue by being really anxious.

🗣📢EXPLICITLY UNSOLICITED ADVICE WARNING🚨🚨 Everything up to this point could be construed as "just thoughts" but the following is unambiguously advice. Stop reading now if you want to continue in your unadvized state. She cannot assure you with 100% certainty she will not have a problem with it. If she tries, all she'll do is lock herself into not being able to tell you if she does. The only helpful thing in these situations I have found is to establish a procedure for what to do if there is a problem. Give her the tools to find something that's comfortable for her. Give her the certainty that you will listen to her, talk things through (which is sometimes a solution on its own!), and not hold it against her if you need to make changes. Then you can rest assured if there are problems, they won't last.

When you're doing "but I don't want to hurt herrrrrr😖" anxiety calculus, remember your non monogamous tendencies probably aren't going to stop! So also evaluate if you'd be okay with never ever doing anything with someone besides your gf. And if you're not. It will probably hurt her worse if you say you're fine with staying monogamous forever now, and then feel like you're about to snap two years later. So just like. Factor that into your calculations, too, haha!😅

And as a close

I'm with you. I feel you. This blog has DMs open if you want to talk more organically or about details you don't want to be public. No matter how this shakes out, you will get through to the other side.💙💖🖤

[bad-at-living]

warning! definitely accidentally a vent! none of this really makes any sense cause i was crying. accidental vague references to sh

sometimes I get things stuck in my head like you get songs stuck in your head except they aren't songs. right now i have this fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59087686/chapters/151188253 on ao3 stuck in my head. its called "the view from halfway down" (minus the quotation marks). its very sad but i can't stop thinking about it so i have to read it agin to get it un-stuck. wish me luck. update from after i finished re-reading it under the line (may contain spoilers, i don't know yet). i don't really want to cry right now but i have to read this, its out of my control. after all i am always the root of my own suffering.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

somehow the first chapter of this fic hurts more after you know what happens in the second. all these things he says end up falling through or getting fulfilled. i think the fact that someone cared in the end hurts more. it builds onto my whole "i can't hurt myself because if i do someone who cares about me will suffer and it will be all my fault and i will be the bad guy" it should be relieving to know somebody would cry over you but instead it just feels like a weight that makes me feel more. not necessarily feel worse or feel better but just feel. but feeling anything right now is worse than feeling nothing. i desperately want to be missed but i don't want people to feel bad either which is impossible because missing someone is a negative feeling. i just don't get why the idea that someone could miss me makes me feel terrible despite the fact that my biggest fear is being forgotten/alone forever. maybe its the idea that it could/will get to a point where its so bad that the idea that people love me isn't enough to keep me tethered to the living realm. i think what really hurts is that i know at least someone would cry over me in some capacity similar to him but it wouldn't be the same. i need to know someone would do that for me before i go but i worry having someone like that and knowing they would cry over me would make me stay. i don't want that. i don't understand myself. the one person i would stay for if they called never liked me in the first place and it was all a sick joke to them. the one person i want never really existed the way i remember them. it hurts because i relate to both of them even though mine isn't actually dead. but it really feels like it. i did lose a whole person that day. what hurts even more its that these fuckers could have been something but we couldn't have, after all you can't get married to a string of text messages. but only because they were written by somebody who was nothing and everything like that. i don't get to text the person i lost like he does because they one: aren't dead, two: never truly existed at all. it hurts because no one is ever going to text back and you know it. being an atheist sucks when you don't get to have any sort of hope about what's after death. one discrepancy is that he doesn't text his every day, he doesn't text him like he forgot about him being dead. "how could you forget someone being dead!" when you wish they were alive so bad your brain decides to forget they're dead as a coping mechanism. he should be sad he doesn't get a response but not because the other guys dead but because he's so deep into dissociating and denying that he thinks the others simply just ignoring him and now hates him. if i lost someone like that i would text them every day without fail i would just have to. the hurt comes from the fact that my pain is considered less because no one actually died but maybe a little bit of me did inside. i was too busy being angry at the real you to mourn the you i knew to grieve correctly so now I'm just stuck in a mix of all seven stages at the exact same time. for ever. my stomach really hurts right now. maybe its trying to distract me from my brain. it isn't working cause now i just hurt even more. nobody else will ever grieve you with me because nobody else knew you. and now the sobbing im doing hurts because of the ribs i bruised trying to stop myself from sobbing over something else. and now i have heart burn. I'm tired of suffering but i don't think i could do anything to make it stop long term that wouldn't cause even more suffering short term.

everything hurts.

for hopefully some context to this madness its referring to a time someone put their number in my locker and catfished me for over a month over text, knew things about me i had only told my friends (like my favorite music artist), sent me memes i literally had saved on my phone (either they were a friend i had sent them to or they actually just had a similar sense of humor to me and still did this terrible thing which hurts cause like how would someone so oddly similar to me do such a terrible thing). eventually i found out they were cat fishing me and they told me that i was crazy for thinking anyone could ever love me and that i was unlovable. so it feels like someone i knew died because they simply ceased to exist in my world.

[fictionkinfessions]

In response to

https://www.tumblr.com/fictionkinfessions/763632922895040513/fandom-this-post-is-about-persona-%EF%BC%95?source=share

I normally do not respond to vent posts whatsoever, purely due to the fact that I hardly ever know what to say or due to the fear that the individual does not want responses. But I'm pulling out the notes app for this one. Do not feel the need to respond to this whatsoever. Do not force yourself too. I don't want to be the reason you exert yourself any further than you already have. Please take further time to rest, I hope all your exams go well and happy early birthday.<3

I get it. I really do. I won't say that I'm in the same situation as you are, simply because I'm likely not and there's likely way more going on in your life now that you haven't spoken of. But I do believe I'm in a highly similar one.

If you don't take anything other than one thing from this then at least take this statement. You are worth so much more than you think you think you are. You always have been, and you always will be. You don't have to be a good person. You don't have to constantly give yourself to other people. Hell, that may sound very selfish of me to say that, but truthfully I know how it is to constantly take away from yourself in order for the gain of other people. Please don't ever put yourself or let anyone put you under the impression that your only purpose in life is to help and improve others lives. Because it's not.

It's perfectly okay to dislike people for whatever reasons. You don't need to have some set of reasons. There's not a rulebook in place for what all you can dislike people for. You can't force yourself to like someone. That's just not how it works.

To be frank with you, sorry about my language, but life is pretty fucking difficult. Especially when you throw in social aspects, work, and just living in general (in this economy?!? sorry.). But truthfully it gets better. It may take a while. It may be a short period of time where it does get better then immediately decreases again. That's okay. Never fault yourself with that. It's inevitable that it happens. What's important is that you keep going on. And with “purpose”, genuinely, I think purpose is a thing you make for yourself. I don't believe in the existence of a being that decks out people their purposes and assigns them it before they're born. People have multiple purposes. You don't need to have this one major overbearing one. You can have smaller ones. You don't necessarily have to be useful either. Nobody needs to be useful. Nobody needs to have an explicit purpose/purposes (the grammars messed up, dw about it.). Everyone's good at something, even if you cannot see it for yourself.

In the end, you just need to see the world. In both its beauty and it's ugly features. That sounds really stupid, I'm writing this and I'm cringing right now. But, I'll leave it in because you deserve authenticity. You deserve the world in fact. And I'm sorry this is how you're treated by it.

This does conclude a lot of what I wanted to say, I apologise if any part makes no sense or if I misunderstood any portion of what you said, it's 1am here as I'm writing this and I needed to write this down now before I forgot what I was going to say. I'm not a motivational speaker by any means, but I suppose this was my best attempt at it. Please take this whole thing in the best way possible as I did not mean to be mean or upsetting in any way, I'm just horrible with tone through text and texting in general.

Alla prossima. (Italian for “until next time”, not sure if you're supposed to actually go and use this over text, but I'm slowly learning bits and pieces of Italian and some others.)

-Akechi Goro

P.S. (I would call it side notes, but that's your thing not mine)

Seriously, if things get too stressful, this goes for anyone reading this whole thing, not sure if you already do it, but try meditation. Might not work for everyone or everything, and it might not work immediately, but I do believe it to help on some levels. I'm also not a medical professional so don't quote me of all people on that.

(This whole thing is just me telling you what I wish anyone in my family would have told me like, a few weeks ago, so I might be slightly projecting. Just for the record. Not good at telling when I am or not.)

x

[antiendovents]

[ Vent Below ]

TWS: Cultural Appropriation, very very brief gun mention

I'm confessing my sins to you, and I pray this never gets traced back to my actual account. I just have never, EVER been able to share this with anyone. Ever. I don't think you will necessarily be a "safe place" either, but this is a vent/rant space with an anon option. I feel very slightly safe. No one in the system community would accept me if they knew what I did, so I'm like "anon vent mode".

When I was thirteen, I ''''''created'''''' [heavy quotes because it isn't an actual thing] an alter who we will call A, since he'll be a reoccurring part of this all. I did not call him an alter at the time. To be honest with you, mod of this account and I guess anyone who reads this, [my first sin] back when I ''''''created''''' him, I called him a tulpa.

We found out later that the professional who diagnosed us with DID [because, yes, we are a medically recognized system] had done so without bringing it up being a possibility up a second time. I mention second time because the first time she had brought it up, she commented that the specialists she talked to said that they would be hesitant to diagnose me [rightfully so]. She, in hindsight, probably didn't mention any of our trauma to them because of HIPPA. i [alter front] personally believe she diagnosed us around this time.

The second time it was brought up, it was actually an entirely separate alter than the one she told about the hesitance to diagnose. The alter at that time was like "I think we may have to consider DID.. It sounds like what I experience...." and she was like "I already diagnosed you months ago, I talked to 3 other alters".

Talk about a surprise pikachu moment for that alter.

When I first joined the system space, I was a semi-newly discovered system. I had already known about several alters-- A and his creation was what made us be able to communicate with as a system, but all communication was slashed when we had a new host front for three years , which was the host who got us diagnosed. So when we were joining tumblr, we were just establishing good contact again, and when I made my blog I was diagnosed for, like, idk a year before [social media scares us, community spaces scare us, and this is our first time using tumblr again since 2013].

We forgot about the whole term of ''tulpas'' because of amnesia, straight up had a different alter eat those memories to keep the system functioning [in hindsight, its beneficial to know about, but also not]. I had ENTIRELY forgotten the actual term for "tulpas" [in quotes bc its not the actual Buddhist practice]. I just remembered it as "oh i made this dude, he was a ball of light and then suddenly he was having full conversations and chose his own appearance and personality, and why did he choose to be a dickhead [a joke at him /lh]".

Up until making my blog, I didn't engage in plural communities. Not even the tulpa community when I engaged with the content. I was a traumatized kid terrified of everyone, i simply learned how to 'create' a 'tulpa', did it and it worked better than I thought it would, and then fucked off. It was the most traumatic period of our life [when I made A], all I wanted to do was have someone to be with me so I wasn't alone with it all. He very much took on a protector role from the beginning, fronting once for 3 days in a blackout amnesia episode because another alter felt silly [he was an anger holder and was very angry, to sum it up].

Then I joined Tumblr. Because of joining system spaces, I have since re-found the term Tulpa, and ffs?? The absolute guilt and shame we feel is so immense. Not only because I appropriated a cultural practice I have no fucking right to be in, but also because I'm also someone made a mockery of the very disorder I have. It feels like I don't even deserve to be diagnosed.

That's why I don't fit completely into anti-endo spaces, but I don't fit endo spaces either.

We were posting to a small audience of 0 notes in system spaces, which felt safer for us. So we were going ham on our blog, enjoying our time, but we got our first ask.

"You guys seem so nice,,, why are you anti-endo?"

I'm like??? anti-endo?? wtf is that??? what's an endo?? oh foolish, sweet summer child,,, I had not put it in anywhere that I was anti-endo, which makes it so much worse to me. I guess this was probably someone testing the waters or something. So we go look it up, look up endos and we get reintroduced to the culturally appropriated term. And it's like fuck. It was a moment where I realized I had gone against my own morals in a way I was extremely disgusted with. I ended up dipping for a whole month because of it, which caused a system uproar and a shit ton a bad stuff happening while we were also going through new tons of new trauma at that time [thanks to our ex-bestfriend, a silent fuck you to nem. already so stressed, tell that to her, and then it flies over nirs fucking head so she beats a dead horse but ANYWAYS].

While I'm gone, an alter takes my place. I'll call him P. and P? Well,,,, P takes my spot as host [im now one of 4 cohosts, P is not one of them]. P sees tulpa, P sees other spiritual stuff in the endo spaces, and P goes, well, gee,,,, spirits and talking to them exists [a belief we do hold, but i would have to explain eons of shit to explain why we do], I can almost see how it would work. P responds with 'we're not anti-endo' [my second sin].

And then I'm back. It's been a month, things have carried on without me and we are an 'endo neutral' blog with more than two followers, and posts that hit more than 10 notes [which,,, I hate public attention. The thought of more than a few people engaging with the stuff I post is terrifying to the point I might puke if I think too hard about it /gen. 3-10 notes is the ideal. Maybe like 5 followers? i didn't think about that, dont want to].

I relearn about endos, I go 'fuck no??? are you fucking kidding me???' but then I remember A. That? Well, That ruined EVERYTHING for me. Suddenly I'm having to figure out how to manage having people perceiving me in a scale that terrifies me, but I also have a fucking turkeyball mix of followers. Endos, Anti endos, Endo Neutral, Endo Apathetic. All while truly standing as an anti-endo behind those good ol' closed doors. Then I have to look down the barrel of the gun and accept i did something that goes wildly against my own fucking morals. I didn't remember A, I didn't remember Tulpas, and now I wished I had never joined any system space. I wish I had never tried to find community. I don't even know how to right what has been wrong, I don't have anyone to tell me how to fix this.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There is no space for me with anti-endos because of what I have done, and there is no space for me with endos because of my anti-endo beliefs.

When I made my blog I wanted a space to be me, to be us, but now I don't even want to be me. A's presence was needed to keep me alive, I love him, but I can't even be cocon with him or I end up having a breakdown. Whether it be from the guilt of the shitty thing I did that I can't make up for because he's literally forever going to be there, or the fact that because I can't be around him, and considering I'm a host, he's secluded to his own section in the innerworld. Alone. Literally like how we were when we made him. It's wicked fucked up to me, but i guess it probably shouldn't be, considering his 'origins'. What once saved my life has become something I can't even face.

I feel like shit. I feel like this is a lose-lose situation. The one time I tried to step out of my comfort zone and do something that I think will be beneficial for us, it ends up being the worst thing to do. All I wanted was friends like me, only to find out, no... I'm not like them and I probably don't even deserve the diagnosis I have. On top of that, I engaged in harmful behavior, cultural appropriation. Furthermore, the people I could've engaged with would've been people I entirely disagreed with.

I feel like i should self undiagnose, if that makes sense. Like I do not care whatever professionals said I am, I'm just,, IDK a shitty person?? A cultural appropriator?? I've been diagnosed more than once, but I feel like I still shouldn't even claim being a system. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel ashamed. Cultural appropriation has a permanent scratch in my brain, a permanent mark. I feel like this is something I can never fix.

I'm confused on what to do. How do I fix the wrong of being a cultural appropriator in such a vile way? Even if I actually am a system, which I don't even know anymore, what the fuck would I call A? What do I even do about getting over the guilt? My therapist isn't equipped to deal with this, I have no friends, and the only people I talk to are my abusers. I'm to scared to talk to people online, and considering my circumstances, who would I even talk to about any of this? Am I even an anti-endo if I practiced what the endos preach? I'm just,,, ugh, It's been a lot, but thank fuck for the anon ask on a blog amirite?

Sorry to dump all this on you, and feel free to ignore it/not upload. I've just needed to talk about this for a while, and this felt like a safe space for a lil bit.

this is complicated but i'm going to try give the best advice i can here. cultural appropriation is bad yes, but you were a child. you didn't know what else to call A at the time, it seems. you admit you have done wrong and you seem guilty over it and really i think thats all you need to improve. you are a system, you are diagnosed as one, yes you made a mistake but so have many others. ex-pro endos are welcome in this community and always will be. as long as you have learned from your mistake i do not think you are a bad person. as i said, people make mistakes all the time, it doesn't mean they're bad, they just need to learn better, and by the sounds of things you have. i really hope you find your place in this community or even a different community. if you need help leaving pro-endo and pro-tupla communities i would recommend slowly distancing yourself, unfollowing or blocking some accounts that may interact with you and maybe even announcing you're anti endo if you feel safe (this isn't required, but it does help avoiding them). if necessary i would also suggest maybe making a new blog / account if you feel like you can't fix the current one (even a side-blog might work). good luck anon and i while i don't speak for the whole anti endo community i am sure you will at the least be accepted by most of us.

[thestobingirlie]

Hello to start with I was concerned about where u went but then realised oh new username excellent crisis averted...

ALSO the main reason I'm in ur inbox is I need a little shitty steve characterisation vent so here goes:

I keep coming across (accidentally) those characterisations of steve (in steddie context) where he's like "i love to be subby and give up control bc I've always had to be in control and it's a relief to take a break from this." And like. canonically steve is the one whose autonomy is always the most hijacked like he's just dragged along with the major plot decisions everyone else makes - i remember a beautiful piece of meta i read a while back that summarised its point in a line like "steve hasn't made a single decision for himself since he chose to go back in the byers house in s1."

Also i believe you've discussed a bunch in the past (or one of your mutuals did?) that he is very much a take charge kind of guy, taking as an example all the russian base shenanagins and his role in those.

And that plus societal/peer/parental pressure (particularly during 'king steve time') to be a certain kind of guy and live a certain way makes me think in fact he would be the complete OPPOSITE??? In regards to needing to give up control if anything I think he'd want to take it back (both in a life decisions and potentially in Sexy Situations kind of way).

Optional extra point that i change my mind on back and forth, in the particular context of steddie I'd almost put eddie (if you had to place them into this specific d/s retaking/giving up control dynamic which you absolutely don't have to) into that characterisation of feeling relief in not having to be in control, as he's the one always having to constantly push back against society and assert his "freakishness."

Long rant over, thank you for always being the blog I can click onto and scroll if I want to read a salty accurate take about fandom characterisations!!

glad you were able to find me again! honestly it’s still kinda crazy to me that people like… recognise my username and seek me out lmao.

i will always be here for some salty takes. you know that post that’s like, what if my hobby is being a hater? literally me.

oh i love that line! yeah, i think it’s really interesting how steve has increasingly not had any control over the direction that his life is going in. he’s a character that is very much so at the mercy of others. like, thinking about the last two seasons, he was tied up and beaten, then strangled and eaten. even looking at the very way that he’s getting injured, it’s all something that he couldn’t fight against!

getting back on topic tho, yeah, i really dislike the super subby idea of steve that is incredibly pervasive throughout the steddie fandom. it just feels so out of character. like, obviously sexual preferences don’t necessarily have to align with a persons personality, but they just really aren’t writing about steve anymore.

yeah no i agree, steve has admitted that he went along with shit in high school because he wanted to be perceived a certain way, so i think it would make more sense that he would want to take that control back in any way he could, be himself in a way he couldn’t before. also. not to get crass, but steve just seems like someone that really enjoys giving, even in the bedroom. like, he wants to make sure the other person is having a good time. and so, i think it makes sense that he would want at least a little control over that.

yeah, i do not think d/s dynamics make sense for steddie’s relationship, and i think it’s kinda weird that people feel the need to make their sex very restrictive and kinky. but also i agree that i think it makes more sense for eddie to be… the not in control one. i also think eddie would like the feeling of being desired. like, eddie is an outcast, he’s a freak, even if he’s welcomed that role. i think he would definitely enjoy king steve being the one, kind of, reaching out and going after him, in that way.

but yeah, i do not like subby steve, and i think it’s weird the extent to which people have decided that steddie’s sex life has to involve kinks that often directly contradict their characters. obviously, enjoy what you enjoy and have fun writing smut, i just do not like it.

[xnaochi]

Hello! The kokobot thing that appears in people’s dms sites your blog as someone who endorses it. I just wanted to let you know just in case the bot uses random people’s urls without their permission to make it seem more legit. I really haven’t looked into kokobot at all or your blog so maybe everything is fine. But I thought I would say something just in case.

honestly, I'm more surprised that Kokobot is still a thing than anything

first off: I do NOT condone Kokobot: here are some issues (but I didn't necessarily double-check so don't expect it to be 100% correct)

Nothing you say to it is confidential

Everyone's venting is made into Kokobot's property- meaning that they can use or sell whatever you send it in any way they see fit

People can say actually horrid things to other people tbh

There are a lot of minors who use Kokobot. And those minors will often be asked to help someone else who is going through a rough time. Keep in mind that a lot of these kids are going through tough times themselves, so getting a child in a bad mental state to help someone else is a bit... ethically strange

It uses AI on its users. I learned that one from a kind asker

I think there miiight be more but I don't remember if there is tbh (soz,)

so let's get to some facts about the situation

I did indeed type that post on August 27th 2022. I was 16 years old. This was the same day that Kokobot had gone into my messages at random and asked me about helping other people with mental health issues. I decided to try it out despite my initial suspicions because wanted to help people.

They did NOT get my permission to post that. I didn't even know it happened until I had gotten an influx of asks asking about it.

When I had typed that post, there was barely any negative information about Kokobot (at least none that I could find because I do have the vaguest memory of doing a search about it before I used it but I can't trust my memory)