#and its like Several of My friends which makes it feel worse bc i dont like hounding ppl abt it but aaaaa i really cnt afford to just

[oddmerit]

i try REALLY hard to like cohost dot org and there IS a lot to like about it, legitimately:

most of the staff are jewish gaytrans furries so they Get the need for firm moderation that accounts for “plausible deniability”-type bigotry, even if they slip up it’s pretty quickly rectified (see below)

good 18+ filtering, pro-posting queer hole

NO BULLSHITE ALGORITHMS. chrono timelines only

css/html/markdown crimes

that being said.

the general culture there is rough bc a lot of the prominent powerposters are friends or friends-of-friends of the devs by nature of how they conducted the closed alpha, but bc of the lack of public metrics it’s considered taboo to claim that there ARE powerposters in the first place. and because powerposters are just a few degrees removed from the devs, people who WERENT part of the alpha want to emulate that general vibe. part of which means getting extremely hostile and defensive if anybody says something that could be construed as putting the devs down and claiming they’re “twitterbrained” or whatever and that people who “expect too much” of the devs are going to be the downfall of the site

the most recent incident of this stemmed from a moderating misstep where someone i followed reported a nazi channer who followed her and was part of an antisemitic harassment campaign, but hadn’t posted anything to the site yet. the staff who handled her report said “this is concerning so we’ll wait and see BUT we don’t take action based on offsite behaviour”, despite that being untrue based on previous moderation actions (notably TERFs getting nuked from orbit before they could even start posting). the person who reported them got upset and several of her followers (including me) were like “what the fuck, that’s unexpected and shitty”, some saying that made them feel unsafe in case that ever happened to them. once the decision got traction (and other people started reporting the account) the staff went back on its decision “based on internal review” and suspended the account in question, which is where this story should have ended

except, the day after it happened, i woke up to a post on my cohost dashboard that was someone screaming their head off about people who had said “this is disappointing and makes me concerned”, and kept quoting one specific person who they claimed had overreacted and was symptomatic of the above-mentioned “twitterbrain” and that it was all “bad faith”. like, if THAT is gonna be the community reaction to someone being alarmed about inconsistent moderation, why would you ever publicly bring up moderation concerns at all?

its one thing to ask site members to be considerate of staff (its a small team and half of them were at a con AND it was a weekend AND they eventually backtracked and apologized anyways so it was all good at that point) but its another thing to go off on a rant quoting mostly one specific person while claiming its really “just general you” and claim that they’re the reason the site will go under. if you’re going to claim that you need to bite your tongue over missteps “for the good of the community” that’s a HUGE fucking red flag! bc thats how resentment will grow and eventually explode into something MUCH worse! it wouldnt turn into “intra-community infighting” if everyone was like “cool, thank you, please make sure this doesnt happen again” after the issue is solved instead of dragging it out and turning it into an example of “oooo look how PRO-HARASSMENT twitter has made you, you’re HARASSING the devs by voicing concern”!

and dont get me STARTED on the shitfits people were throwing when staff said “we don’t allow loli on this site”. people understand “cohost isnt a free speech absolutist site like twitter” when it comes to hate speech but they absolutely do NOT understand it also applies to jerking it to fictional csa lmao. cohost isnt overrun by “puritans”. the devs will not ban queer hole*. the devs post queer hole. its fine

(*the only way i can see NSFW getting banned is if stripe drops them for processing cohost+ subs or the future tipping system and even then i trust staff will fight for Queer Hole as hard as they can)

[haloburns]

yknow. i dont talk abt being disabled a lot on here past making jokes but like

i was gointhrough emails on my uni account and deleting a lot of things, and watching my condition raipdly get worse in spring of 2021 through those was surrel. like i remember most of it because of constant recounting to the doctor's (the amount of doctor's messages too is wild), but it's also so weird for me to read an email to my Chinese lang prof telling her I couldn't participate in class that day because brain fog was so bad even after sleeping all fucking day.

like, in my mind, i went from a normal able bodied person to pretty severely disabled over the course of two years. i told my other disabled friends i hurt all the time and theyre like "well how long has this been going on" and i was like "oh two years, but im thinking maybe more. but i dont have chronic pain, it just Happens To Me" and this was BEFORE i had a chronic fatigue crash that cemented CFS in my body as a real and present thing. now i have to contend with it every day, along with the complications its brings.

now, i've been dealing with chronic pain for. an inordinate amount of years now. i've been disabled MUCH longer than i've been aware. the further back i think, the more i realize i've hurt and i either didnt realize that wasnt normal or i told people and they brushed me off.

my knees hyperextend. they have my whole life. (i had to go back and find picture evidence of this because my mom didnt remember) this causes a lot of pain on my feet, and has at least since middle school. i didnt like playing outside bc it hurt and was exhausting, but everyone assumed it was bc i was a bookworm and fat. i remember sitting next to the older family friend i was at the zoo with because both of our feet hurt from walking. i was 10. she was 60.

and i just wonder... how much did my doctor not notice??? i went through precocious puberty and she was never concerned. i started puberty at 7, and got my first period at 9. i havent grown since age 11. my tits are massive for my height bc THEY didnt stop growing until i was 21. she never mentioned my knees bending back, but she did mention my back/posture being a little weird (not weird enough to FIX apparently. ps i have a small unnatural curve of my spine, not sure if its scoliosis or not). my mom constantly feels guilty bc no one noticed, but tbf i never brought it up. i never thought i was hyperflexible/double jointed but it turns out i AM which means i was just a dumbass adhd kid who assumed everyone was like that.

and like. my joints are causing more and more problems. i started having more problems after my surgery as a result of the stress on my body, who knows what's gonna happen now that ive had covid??

i hyperextended my middle finger in my sleep and now it hurts to use. my right hip hyperextends and possibly subluxes on the regular and i cant fix it. my shoulders are WAY more mobile than they used to be, and i can force my left shoulder out of its socket to some degree while laying on it. the tips of my fingers bend super far down and my thumb apparently "looks like rubber" bc of how far i can bend/wiggle it.

idk, i had a point but i lost it. being disabled is weird and surreal for me, and most days i dont mind bc it makes me the funniest person in any room, but some days it REALLY fucking sucks

[pollylops]

just trying to make a comprehensive list of everything wrong with me

aphasia- difficulty communicating verbally and for about a year struggling to form written sentences and especially complex or more complicated sentences. THIS IS HARD TO TYPE im all over the place and none of this feels right.

brain tumors/migraine/tinnitus- seems like when i address these things individually they are like ahh yeah jjust gotta deal with it to which i say, ok but why do i not get access to SOME kind of treatment why cant i at least try to find something in this world to help me understand/treat and deal with living inside of my head 24/7/ i know i come off as quit normal but thats bc my nervous system WILL NOT LET ME UNMASK in front on 99.9% of humans. i barely unmask with my closest friends let alone someone meeting me the first time who i am QUite CERTAINly will judge me if i act too peculiar. i have brain tumors, migraine, tinnitus and i have no doctor or anyone remotely who gives a flying freak this is happening to me. ( I AM SUICIDAL IDEATION DAILY bc of my tinnitus and this is something i struggled with in silence at my job bc i was ableist, embarred, ashamed and confused. )

cptsd

medical ptsd from being not listened to and gaslit by over 5 physicians throughout my life

ptsd from not having medical care for 20 years

ptsd from going to the emergency room 3 times to get antibiotics because my mouth is full of rotting wisdom teeth that are broken, infected and shifting in my mouth for over 20 years leading to possbile severe blood infections i already have heart issues and this could be making it worse

back and spine issues- idk if i have a broken or slipped disc or degenerating discs on its own or if i have cancer and its causing fractures in my spine but i cannot move or bend without risk of severe pain or injury. i had a back episode about a year ago that PARALYZED me for at least 2 days.

i have trauma from not being able to access health care during this time of paralysis. not only do i not have health care I AM AFRAID OF DOCTORS and i need therapy and help to save myself from falling through the cracks of yet again another system. I AM TERRIFIED OF LIVING let alone working one wrong move and i cannot walk or move and i have nothing to help me access a world without legs. i already barely shower and cook food and care for myself properly. i go weeks without caring for my home. i am lost in my head often and when flat out asked how i feel i often cannot explain it or express it not only bc of the aphasia but also bc of alexithymia.

i have repeated trauma from not being able to access medical care. i cannot walk to a hospital from where i live. i do not have 24/7 transportation. i have had MULTIPLE emergencys such as FALLS, BURNS and mental health breakdowns where i have had to "ride it out" on my own alone in my apartment and i genuinely again do not know how i made it out alive.

i have trauma from going through the dehumanizing process of applying for disability. i find it to be insane that i have to prove i have been treating my disability my entire life when part of my needing help with my disability directly stems from the ongoing lack of care and access to it (treatment/healthcare/proof im disabled). PLEASE DONT LET tHIS PART GO OVER YOUR HEAD I FKN BEG YOU. this is inhumane.

autism - suicide attempts ??? i mean i genuinely have no idea how NOGODDAMNBODY in my life never noticed this but in their defense autism WAS NOT nearly as understand communally as it is in 2023 and we got people out here trying to literally kill me just for saying i am autistic so theres a ways to go on that front

adhd - currently this is what is disabling me the most, imo.

depression - suicide attempts 3. i was diagnosed with depression at age 15 by my family physician dr. radnothy. he also gave me medical trauma for dismissing basically everything i ever came in to see him about and i have a mole that is growing and changing colors on my side for over 20 years which i recently was told was NOT OK was explicity told to me was perfectly normal.

anxiety - i mean.... lol (i honestly chalk ALL of my anxiety up to autism and the fact that i was genuinely just overwhelmed most of my life but that overwhelm was not a valid excuse in the eyes of the believeres of our lord and savior in the year 2023.

paranoia

bipolar suicide attempts 3

bpd suicide attempts 2

dysautonomia -pots

fibromyalgia

schizophrenia/schizoaffective - during the time i was working i experienced this at its worst and as ive been home since sept 2021 i have experienced the affects of this less and less. at its worst i believed my bosses were all witches in a coven and they were constantly hexing me. i believed they were casting evil spells to make bad things happen in my life. while working at my last employer i:

experienced severe bullying (will provide examples) as the bullying and stress got worse the symtoms of schizoafffective became unmanagable. i think thhis experience triggered adhd and schizophrenia or at least thats the symptoms i experienced the worst.

pandemic started

my self awareness has not always been this good. i have written 15 and 25 page sociolgy reports when i was in college now i can barely put together a bunch of cohesive thoughts for this argument.

i will not survive without receiving these benefits. i want to be a part of society again and benefits would help me do that. please do for me what would have helped me years ago. to know that i was disabled but instead i was raised by an ableist family who would have rather pretended like their kid was okay and bury their head in the sand then admit that your kid needs help and you maybe created a human without truly understanding the ramifications. i mean moreover and disgustingly so my fucked up ablesit family would have rather my 27 year old severely brain damaged mom give birth to me not realizing her disabilities would not only make it nearly impossible to raise a child in a healthy loving environment then waste the opportunity for a man and woman to make a holy family in the eyes of our lord and savior of the year 1984.

willupdatemorewhennotoverwhelmed

[frostbite-the-bat]

theres a severe problem with me on like a really deep level if i self deprecate this much over writing fictional characters and at this point i dont know if its just an inside problem, an outside problem, or a tangled mess of the both that i will probably never figure out and will have to be forever "fuck it we ball" about despite being in fear of what others think about me and the state fandom is in and how just your interpretations you may have at a given time somehow now equal to your moral compass. anyways into a whole rant i go.

i think it is not gonna be a surprise to anybody that one of my biggest fears in life ever is being "cancelled" or called out and just cast away and it gets really stressful when i know i do have a bunch of people who know me like i get recognized on toontown every other day and ive met people who ive never seen before who somehow knew my work despite it being? quite obscure and out there? wacky shit. real wack. like i met someone on a fucking club penguin private server (that i hate now ok i dont play or care abt those anymore) and we became friends and as i always do i show off the things ive made and they tell me theyve seen it before. what the fuck do you mean. that thing barely has a 1000 views. and thats the lucky videos. or unlucky if you see it that way. (i for sure do sometimes) now imagine if someone complained about me. Everyone Would Know.

but then again i am already featured in some nasty videos and nobody knows. tbh bc nobody cared even if it was a literal Adult Talking Bad To Children case. id say the whole thing if i personally was comfortable saying it out loud here i dont want to remind myself of that.

i really wish i could just stop over thinking and do things for fun...but i also like sharing things with the world - but i just have zero trust in people out in this world, especially in fandom. but like, in general, i have very low trust in people like this. (and yet i can make a friend in just one interaction.) i feel like i should be dissected and studied because by talos i can't figure this shit out on my own.

kinda a problem when all of this is just from me thinking about fictional characters. but then again fiction is the only thing keeping me together because i can't handle a second in the real world due to how shit it is at least for me currently. is it the worst ever? not really. theres people who have it worse. i get it fairly well.

is it any good though. no. i feel trapped here and i cant get any help until i get out of here. which i fear doing. which is always fun to deal with.

like this is the only place i feel right - and i feel like i must be a 100% perfect or i can be booted out.

but also just. i want to be proud of the stuff i do. i want it to be good. i dont want to look back in regret. all artists do that, though - its a sign you improved. but what if the bad old work is what my friends remember me by. or others around me. what if its what they defy me as. that old thing instead of my growth. no it has to be perfect the first try. and i think you can see why this expectation isnt exactly healthy

[ghoullguy]

(ED) so i was reading this one yoi fanfic and i have some complaints bc im a bitch like that

so in this fanfic, which im not gonna name bc god forbid the author sees this and shit starts, yuuri quit skating bc of an ed

now, i have an ed. ive had several actually, since i was 11. first it was bed, which led to ana, which i'd gone into recovery for by 16, after losing a shit ton of weight and muscle, which as a figure skater, affected my skating. i relied on muscle to power me through jumps, and once i lost all the weight and my muscle, it made it difficult for me. so, i recovered. then, at 17, i injured my hip and couldnt skate for a while. this completely ruined me. i was convinced that because i had to take off time to heal, i could never compete again. i was too old, and eventually, too fat to ever be anything in the skating world. i relapsed, and the past year and a half has been a constant cycle of starving, then binging and purging. eventually, it became full on bulimia. i had a month or so back in december where i ate normally and felt normally about it, but then it came back, starving instead of purging this time. needless to say, i am experienced with eating disorders and recovery from them.

this fanfiction portrays ana as a fear of food. that is absolute bullshit. talk to any anorexic, and you'll see that people w eds fucking LOVE food. its what drives us, its all we think about. its not the food itself we're "scared" of, its the weight and what that implies about us. for me, having done ballet and skating for my entire childhood, i felt pressure to be thin so i could deserve to be a skater and a danseur. if i wasnt thin, i felt like someone pretending to be those things. that, and i have to push myself to exhaustion to feel like i deserve to eat. it is NOT a fear of food. repeatedly throughout this fic, yuuri is shown being legitimately afraid of food, even crying while eating. that is the most cliche, unrealistic portrayal of eds, and it makes the fic much worse bc of it. its a little infuriating actually, bc it shows that whoever wrote this doesnt understand the experience of actual anorexics. and before you shit talk me, saying everyone has different experiences, i have several friends, both irl and online, who also have eds. none of us have ever acted like that. ever. go on any ed forum, and no one will say thats what having ana is like. its the way the media portrays eds, not the actual reality of having an ed.

then comes the recovery arc, though arc is a kind word for it. basically, phichit and yuuri have a talk, he eats three meals that same day, and the only struggles hes shown having is gaining three pounds. now, when you have an ed, three pounds feels like thirty. i can understand that part. however, yuuri just decides to recover, and never goes back on that decision, never is shown having anxiety abt recovering. he just... starts eating. that is absolutely NOT how recovery is. then, in a later scene, he and viktor are abt to have sex. despite his prior insecurity about gaining three lbs, he shows no hesitation in showing his body to viktor. then, the morning after, he (unprompted) starts talking abt wanting pancakes. do i even have to say that this is unrealistic??? does this author not realize that the first person someone w an ed worries abt after gaining weight is their partner??? especially asking for and talking abt such calorie dense food, anyone w an ed would be worried that their partner would see them as fat, or worse, assume they were faking their ed. so yuuri, who just entered recovery, just being fine w viktor seeing him with new weight, fine w him seeing him eat food that makes you fat is just so so so wrong. it feels like this author watched to the bone once and decided they knew everything abt eds.

so, in conclusion, if ur going to write a fic w eds as a prominent plot point/character feature, make it realistic. or, better yet, DONT FUCKING DO IT IF YOU DONT HAVE AN ED. DONT WRITE ABT AN ED YOU DONT HAVE. bc u will never understand the experience of living with it and through it. if you want to read my own fanfiction abt eds, my ao3 is linked in my bio and the work is for bungou stray dogs, its called None of Your Concern.

last but not least, if u feel the need to argue w me or be mean, the block button is a couple of clicks away. if you dont use it, i will <3

[nicofan57]

while i was watchjg i vaguely remembered him saying to zam (while the whole orbital cannon thing in s5 was going on) that he was not confident in his lore ability or something along those lines and like. i really hope he feels better about it now because he is good at it 😭 his pov of unstable is def my favorite i always feel a crazy rollercoaster of emotions watching it (spoilers under if u havent watched it yet)

its kind of refreshing that uu wemmbu puts his friends over himself over being the normal betrayer guy which we all are familiar with

i noticed it a lot in this episode (repeatedly telling egg to run from fights. not wanting to do anything to provoke zam while they had egg captured bc itd mean egg would die. risking his life to break egg out. agreeing to leave zam alone just to save manepear. many other examples) its also kind of bittersweet bc during the short time zam and wemmbu were actually cool with each other he did the same thing for zam (while they were getting the mace iirc)..! manepear also begging his former teammates to let wemmbu go bc he was nice to him was smth i smiled at too

which. all of that is what makes zams betrayal sooooo much worse. mutiny was doomed the moment wemmbu’s tongue slipped and he said they would be killing zam and spoke instead of mapicc and spoke. they were doomed the moment wemmbu said he’d never betray zam unless it benefit him directly (and when zam follows up with “i thought we had something special” he says thats what everyone thinks).

like even if he was Joking about it and he was genuinely trying to move away from that past of his on this server it jsut made zam paranoid because he does have an entire empire to lose, so it makes sense for him to keep his guard up! especially with a guy who is KNOWN for this.

and despite wemmbu putting in so much trust in him and being loyal (sacrificing the mace to save him like i mentioned, building a whole empire to guard an empty vault because zam asked him to, doubting egg for so long when he kept telling wemmbu that something wasnt right about flame trying to kill him and the vault they were guarding) zam turned on him like it was nothing. it looks like (to me at least) that wemmbu genuinely doesnt know what he did for zam to betray him bc even though he has a track record of it there wasnt one singular time after that conversation in the chamber where wemmbu signaled that he was going to betray. he did the complete opposite!!!

i also noticed that when zam talked to wemmbu after touring the blown up wempire he said he actually serves no threat to his empire so he wouldn’t kill him bc hes just that weak, he kept that belief until the very end. by that i mean like even after wemmbu blew up the empire w his orbital cannon and they were just fighting all by themselves he says multiple times he still doesn’t want to kill him. and i was like. well obviously at that point he knows he severely underestimated wemmbu. so why doesn’t he kill him now?

i guess they both still somewhat cared(?) (some kind of positive emotion at least) about each other in the end. i mean if they held completely negative beliefs about each other zam wouldn’t be hesitating and wemmbu would never say that they’re even after all that so that’s off the table. and since zam ended up apologizing i still think if they sat down and had a conversation their relationship would be fixed … which leads me to the end where clownpierce tells them to follow him i havent watched the parrot video that comes before this one but i know clown made a giant prison so if thats where hes taking them maybe they’ll get a chance to have that conversation there because they’re going to have to escape somehow. and if im wrong then idk! 🤷‍♀️

on a closing note if you ask me i personally dont believe wemmbu really wanted zam dead i think deep down he just wanted an explanation and maybe even an apology which he did get the latter .i hate mutiny duo (joke)

finished wemmbus new unstable video and. hough

[sapphic-bifrost]

it’s 3 in the morning and i just got back to my dorm room! and i have been studying nonstop since 6 pm!!! and im waking up again in 4 hours to study again! who fucking designed college

[swampdrive]

just sat dwn and zoned out for abt 20 mins when I SHOULD BE WORKING

[filipinoizukuu]

@ that one 326 panel with all of class A: is deku actually clean bc i saw someone say its an imagination thing

hmm well

at first i was like holy shit youre right! he does look like hes cleaner!! baby boy has finally taken a bath!

but then i got to thinking. i looked things up and checked stuff out. hes still in torn clothes. hes still slightly ragged. sure, compared to the last 30 chapters or so, deku FEELS a lot cleaner to us—yet, technically he hasnt actually changed all that much.

take a look at this panel.

see, we as viewers are more accustomed to THIS deku. our image when we think of how he looks now is this gritty version of him that looks like springtrap. the scary one who looks like he walked right out of the berserk manga. his stuffs all torn up and he looks very... chaotic. and i was like ok maybe thats just... hori's way of showing wear and tear? thats his art style so it's probably just a display of how muddy and gross deku is rn.

so i looked at previous panels where deku was severely fucked up. tried to see if there were any matches for this style of cross-hatching and drawing of torn cloth.

this was the next closest thing i could find.

i mean like. THIS is how deku looked after the first muscular fight. we all remember this scene. we all know how gruesome it was. the cross hatching and the torn-up frantic lines that emphasize his ripped shirt and mangled arm. and i was like okay. drawing deku like he did in the second picture was an intentional choice to make him look WAYY more fucked up and compare it to be like 10x worse than what happened with muscular in the first fight.

and its like... pretty bad the more you think about it. in the panel above, deku literally thought he was about to DIE and all of his arm bones were broken until doctors said they nearly had to cut them off? so i questioned it again.

in the latest chapters... deku could still move. thats a key difference. his injuries were bad, yes. he got shot by lady nagant several times, fought plenty of villains, even got mobbed by a fuck ton of civillians. but the difference between deku now and the deku from the first muscular fight, was that the old deku... he was drawn like that because he was so injured he couldnt even move.

and that got me thinking! what if the crusty way deku is drawn in recent chapters had nothing to do with his actual physical injuries?

hm.

okay, i know i should be taking these words with a grain of salt, but i legitimately think this is horikoshi throwing a quip at us because my working idea is that... the way deku is drawn doesnt just reflect his physical state, but is rather a manifestation of his emotions.

well no shit! i can hear you scream at your phone screens. that should be obvious! seeing as thats literally the oldest trick in the book. you draw characters in accordance to what they feel. it helps with story telling-- which is why during funny or cutesy moments, manga characters are often drawn as doodles or chibis.

but i think its more than that, seeing as even people in-universe AROUND deku can see that. its quite literally a transformation he goes through from holding his burden all by himself. the grime and tatters arent just a physical symbol but an emotional one too. and maybe im a little delusional and insane over here, but is it just me? or is it as chapters go on and deku gets closer to his friends he--

...gets closer and closer to looking normal.

(or maybe im just really delusional and the silhouettes dont mean anything and they really did just give him a bath idk. they fixed his gloves tho for sure)

[boypussydilf]

ok ur choice between homumiko or asoryuu (...or both??????) for the bingos GO

ABSOLUTELY BOTH!!!!!! LETS GOOOOOOO asoryuu first

OH RIGHT EVEN WHEN UR NOT MAKING AN IMAGE POST TUMBLR PUTS THE IMAGES, LIKE, NEXT TO EACH OTHER SOMETIMES. thats gonna make this post a LOT more tolerable !!!!

I don’t actuslly think “divorced” describes anything they have going on accurately at ALL, there’s just a lot of asoryuu divorce jokes and i think divorce is funny so I nod along, but they’re not divorced. I never talk about them ever but no one misunderstand: they are fucking everything. They’re incredible. Bromance of all time but without the romance (but with the romance). They cant be divorced bc they weren’t together and like not in a “characters who have never been married but are still somehow divorced” way theyre just more like. They got to the Awkward In Between Spot where neither of u is sure if this is like, romantic or not, or what you’re gonna do about it, or anything, and then they’ve just been stuck there for a year and are going to continue to be stuck there for a long time I feel bad for them. They’re really gay though “I dont trust myself so here take this, the sword that is a metaphor for my soul” Stop being gay in public…

FUCK I MEANT TO CIRCLE GAY AF TO HAVE A SWORN RIVAL !!!!!!!!!!! They’re not Sworn Rivals by any means? They’re not even really Rivals on a temporary basis? But also they kind of are. You get it. Right? You get it. It’s their vibes. Nothing about this is a rivalry, it’s just a defense attorney/prosecutor ship and also they’re two guys who go in really hard on the competition with each other which isn’t really anything special in itself lots of people are competitive for fun w close friends but. Idk. They’re doing something and they’re so funny. Asougi saw ryuu and went “what a LOSER” and then the guy Was Better At Talking Then Him and asougi went “i adore this man. I would give up my lifelong dream for his sake.” Kazuma asougi is like that stereotypical late teens girl whos like i DONT CARE that i just met him a week ago were getting MARRIED . asougi went This guy is not cool at ALL and also ive known him for One Year and also ill do almost anything for him. No talking stage mutual obsession and we see god in each others eyes or nothing.

I like asoryuu they are funny. Asougi may bully ryuu on purpose, but ryuu will always get the upper hand completely unintentionally via something dumb. Ok homo miku time

i debated on the “terrible in every way” thing but they do deserve to be called that what with all the. lying to people. guys do you. know ways to navigate difficult situations that arent just *hides information and then is evasive about it* *lies outright about something very major* Guys…………

homo of miko. Mikotoba tried to fix him Once and then went whatevers wrong with him is way funnier & sherlock actively made him worse. But its ok bc their worst crime is being annoying in public. also several dozen counts of breaking and entering.

related topic obsessed w the fact that , like. the only reasonable conclusion to draw abt The Finding-Jigoku Scene. THE Homumiko Scene. is that this is an accurate representation of What They & Their Investigations Were Like, Like, All The Time. mikotoba pulls the ONLY PULL IN VERY DRASTIC EMERGENCIES OR WE FUCKIGN EXPLODE YOU alarm & sherlockjust picks a lock so they can break in & then they fucking dance and insult each other i guess. Gregsons ghost is there screaming something about “lower me into my coffin so you can let me down one last time”. They are 1. silly 2. absolutely taking this seriously but fundamentally do not act like it 3. Breaking the law. Great Job!!!!!!!! I want to see 50 more hours of this. I want to see other characters’ impressions of Them As A Duo so bad. Like ok. again: mikotoba is so funny when u think abt it . absolute professional. regular seeming guy. even comes across as serious or stoic to some people. And then. *gestures to the above*. I just had the words gap moe pop into my head i am going to fucking throw up. Anyway. I just think it’s funnh to imagine some shit like. dr sithe- Oooh there are too many ways this sentence can end. *grabby hands* capcom give us the courtney sithe lore. Okay okay order of events. sithe is working at the same hospital where mikotoba is working & where sherlock moreso just kind of shows up to dick around with chemistry experiments. she knows mikotoba as a good respectable doctor who takes his work very seriously. she knows sherlock as an insane idiot who keeps burning himself. apparently they are living together. well rents high and mikotoba just moved here & hasnt been exposed to the insane idiot so much thats understandable. She sees them on a case. Mikotoba breaks into someones house through the window. And also they dance. She has to continue working with this man.

I don’t know if the timeline adds up in a way where sithe wouldve even been working @ that hospital when mikotoba First got there but you get the IDEA ANYWAY. on a note thats only related in my brain eberyone should read arthur conan doyles a study in scarlet but just the like, first 2 chapters, just to be amused by sherlock holmes. i got sidetracked there maybe lets go back to talking about homumiko.

Sorry to bring this up for th first time w them when it also very much applies to asoryuu but as we all know dgs2 was so fucked up for ending w “and then everyone is separated <3” Insanity. OKAY. okay. OKAY. OKAY. *once again wheels out the giant conspiracy board in my brain where all the homumiko information is stored* they both. like. mikotoba says he never expected to be able to go to britain again & sherlock is like Wow i never thought id be solving mysteries like this with you again!! Ever!!! In my life!!!! and i wont go on the other connected rant abt shit like mikotoba saying “our home” and themjust picking up like nothing has changed bc i think i already did that and also thats not the point i just . like . WHATS GOING ON WITH THEM !!!!!!!!! “WOW! AFTER 10 YEARS I GOT TO SEE YOU FOR LIKE. A WEEK. OK BYE FOREVER <3” HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!! *SHAKES THEM*ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS? ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THIS? “MY CLOSEST FRIEND MY PARTNER MY OTHER HALF. I LOVE GETTING A LETTER A MONTH FOREVER” SCREAM !!!!!!!!!!! this is a fucked up decision. I’m normal.

*blinks like someone who just got woken up at 7pm* i dont know how fucking lomg ive been. writing this post. It seems to have gotten out of hand. i like homumiko. makes them sillyguys makes them halves of a whole makes them . uhhh. gay. *clinks glass* Heres to them impulse adopting many more children !!!!! HAS YUUJIN MIKOTOBA EVER MET GINA

[weltenwellen]

hi i just saw the recent ask about extreme social anxiety/agoraphobia and i just wanted to say its nice to hear someone struggling similar to me. im failing out of college bc of it. im struggling to feed myself bc i cant get a job to afford anything and bc the grocery store is my nightmare. going anywhere is hard. its like my dorm room door is the most intimidating thing ever. and bc i dont have a family or friends to fall back on its really starting to feel like im going to end up in some terrible state psych ward forever.

i always thought maybe if there was a kind of AA but for extreme social anxiety, ik it sounds kinda ironic and destined for failure, but the only people ive ever felt remotely comfortable around are people who appear to be just as scared as i am to be out in public. its obviously rlly hard to casually meet other extremely paranoid/anti-social people. idk i think it might be really helpful for me. idk. its just really hard to see myself reflected in this modern hyper-social hyper-fast-paced world. i feel really incompatible with it which only feeds this cycle of isolation. its so nice to hear others struggling in the same way thanks for giving ppl a space to talk abt mental health <3

Have you sought out professional help? It worries me immensely that you have no stable relationships to fall back on and it sounds like you would rather not eat at times than go to the grocery shop (and you have quit college and it seems like all remaining peer relationships that you had). An AA for social anxiety does not seem ironic, I think it makes perfect sense. Because your need for connection are repeatedly and over a very long time not met which makes you suffer from deep feelings of loneliness but at the same time every attempt to seek out connection feels impossible due to your severe social anxiety. If you and the other person who wrote me perviously would like, I could connect you two. It would not get you that AA group but it might result in you finding someone to talk to.

Also, your wish for an AA group for people suffering from extreme social anxiety might reveal that deep down you feel still hopeful and you want to get better but you don't know how. So maybe don't wait to go further down that road you're currently on. The road you're on will remain the same, but the sooner you seek out help and reach out, the less distance you have to travel to come back from where you're currently are. The "problem" to tackle will remain the same, but the severity of your symptoms, the pain and heartache you will be in and the struggle to get to a better place in your life can drastically change from now to a few months. I hope I don't frighten you by saying this but while you might not feel like your symptoms from day to day are getting much worse, there will be a drastic difference if you seek out help now or half a year or a year from now.

All the best to you 💛

[fakeloveaskblog]

Hi, me again. I have a long string of numbers from the ask the author. I thought that I’d go through and type out a couple that I’d like to know about and that ended up being most of them, don’t feel pressured to answer all of them. The numbers are 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,17,19,20,21,22,23,24 and 25. Sorry for asking so many.

Also make sure not to stress out over the long ask. I don’t know about the other Watchers but I’m happy to wait until you’ve finished it, even if it takes a while, I know it will be worth the wait if your other asks are anything to go by. I don’t know if you are worried about not getting it done quickly or not, but if you are I figured this might help.

Glow Eyes

Aw thanks. That does help. Tho honestly im more frustrated i havent gotten any day off to just rest and have time to write bc i really want to write!! Especially since i’m averaging a 5/10 on the pain scale every single second im awake rn. I deserve my rest dfhkjgfh

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

I am only capable of writing 1 story at a time so I’m basically holding off on uh everything until this blog is done. I am very excited to get to write more for my other AUs. Like my “New eden” au which is like the sides happening to meet at a specialized inpatient and there’s loceit and rem(2) and angst and stuff. And I got 2 others i’m excited for bc they’ve got lots of worldbuilding and i havent done much of that in my writing but when i made those AUs i realized i really dig worldbuilding. I am planning on letting y’all vote on which of my AUs should get an askblog when this story is done btw

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

Jfkfk the one stucky fic i wrote at like 12. In 1 chapter i put in a self insert and had cap validate my non binaryness. Apparently i thought it was so embarasing i have deleted several chapters from it but i dont remember actually doing that

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

Front to back babeyyyy always. Sometimes i scribble down a future scene so i dont forget it but otherwise its all first scene to last

4) favorite character you’ve written

I really did enjoy writing Roman as Jaws in my James Bond au just bc it was such a stupid concept. I also have a soft spot for my son Envy. Before Remus existed Envy was my green side. He was also a gremlin. I love writing dogs <333 Thomas as a dog <3 Roman as a dog <3 Virgil as a big fluffy service dog <333 

7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

I usually tell people i write. Usually not that i write fanfic

8) favorite genre to write

I guess drama? Slice of life? Romance? Whatever you call this. I have written action and thriller stuff as well but i prefer this. I just love angst ���💓💚🧡💛 even whump 😈 and some good comfort

9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

I ramble with my beloved best friend 💚 our brainstorm sessions get so ridicolously long. For some aus like the New Eden one the plot would look Completely different if it wasnt for him. I probs wouldnt have expanded it so much

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

I always have to have music on or i cant concrentate. Cant even sit in the same room as other people while writing if theyre chatting loudly

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

Bro i used to over explain everrryyythhing. I know i still ramble a lot and put in way too many details in my writing but somehow i used to be even worse!! I also was one of those who wrote like "The boy with the round glasses said" instead of just saying their goddamn names

12) your weaknesses as an author

Uhm everything? Jk. But i really do think that writing in of itself isn’t my strong suit. I always feel like i use the same words too much. The same metaphors. Same flowery texts. My grammar isn’t good either. 

13) your strengths as an author

If i would have any strenght it would maybe be uhhhh concepts? I’m shit at writing but i do like to think i can come up with some interesting concepts for stories? i like how many times I’ve made the sides into a literal dog in my AUs. thats fun i guess. maybe my strenght could be uhh funny?? people say im funny sometimes?? i dunno in my opinion i think im pretty average. nos trenghts

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

....I.......I just remember it.......in my head...I know, i’m horrible. I have tried to write up timelines but it never works for me. Sometimes I use the brainstorms with my bestie on discord as a type of timeline but most of the time I do just keep everything in my brain. Which is stupid bc my memory sucks

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

I really wanna say i prefer longer sit downs but the thing is my attention span is shit so it usually becomes me “writing” for like 3 hours but half the time was spent watching youtube

21) what do you think when you read over your older work?

22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

Not that I can think of. When i’m writing im in control of what happens obviously so things that make me dissociate or super uncomfy if i saw it in my day to day life dont have any negative effect on me bc im the one writing. Tho one thing i stray from writin nowadays is eating disorders

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

Girl ive looked up the most random shit. Different types of mazes, hotels in kentucky, etc. But really i wouldnt say im an expert on these things but i appreciate how much fics have made me learn about different disabilities. i do have chronic pain and some other shit which has made me put in disabled sides in my fics but its not like i have fibro or im deaf or have a brain injury so i have to read up on this stuff and it’s genuinly fascinating to learn. My fics have also let me learn a lot more about different cultures, in this AUs case i’ve learnt a lot about judaism to write the twins C: i would love to write romani sides in the future bc my family is partially romani but until i do that i like putting in that jewish rep. the fandom needs it hfkjhf

i hope me just talking about myself wasnt too annoying sorry

[sporksaber]

Ok, I love the role swap concept with zuko and azula, but I feel like they switch their abilities and personalities a bit too and I think itd be more fun without that. Where Azula is an antisocial and unstable genius who wants to gain power and zuko still struggles with being the less powerful and extremely empathetic sibling. So here's how I'd do it.

(Note, this is just for fun. I'm not saying anyone else's version is bad. But I've though about this so much and need it out of my head before I go off cuz make a whole comic and I do not have the time, i need to work.)

First off, Azula wouldn't call out in concern for the men like how zuko did. In my version she's allowed into the meeting because of the aptitude for strategy shes shown. She speaks up because it's an inefficient plan that uses up too many resources when there are other options. This enrages her father and leads to the agni kai. Azula is terrified and feels betrayed but has no idea how to handle any of it. She fights back during the agni kai, but in her panic she sets off a bolt of lightning. Ozai finishes the match and severely burns on her lower back. Azula is banished for her use of lightning on the fire lord (bc ozai fears she will no longer be easy to manipulate and might plot his death) and is forced to leave the next morning.

Some things to note: azula is eleven at this point. I changed the placement of the scar bc I think zuko's is very symbolic in a way that doesnt suit azula. Zuko's scar being over his eye and close to the light chakra shows the way his view of the fire nation and honour obscures his vision and how he is unaware of the truth of the world under fire nation rule. I set azula's over her spine because that chakra is based on survival and blocked by fear. It also represents trust which will fit into her arc with the gaang. Finally, she doesnt have Iroh to guide her. One of the things that bothered me was Iroh writing her off as evil despite her being a mentally unstable child. She did have to be defeated, but the way he talked about it was too dismissive. (Personally I think he was projecting his views of his brother and his perceived failures with him onto her.) Azula isnt sent to capture the avatar so she isnt given soldiers. She's completely alone without an advisor to look to or keep her calm.

Azula is given a manned ship with a disgraced soldier and an attendant when she leaves. The way I see it the soldiers zuko had were probably more irohs than his. The soldier is relieved to not be executed but hates being demoted to playing babysitter to a child at sea. The attendant views it as a punishment and hates Azula for it. Eventually the attendant will betray her and be killed for it. Azula never trusted the soldier and he eventually leaves to start a family in an earth kingdom colony. Azula doesnt miss him, he was no longer useful. The loneliness does get to her though.

Azula is obsessed with getting the underhand, so she had been successfully building connections and planting spies where needed.

(Zuko has been acting as a respectable crowned prince. He holds a zealous loyalty to his nation and father. He still faulters as Iroh tries to steer him from tyranny, but his sights are set on his father's approval and that alone. Afterall, if his prodigy could be discarded who's to say what would happen to him if he failed?)

This brings us to the start of the series. Like Zuko Azula witnesses the trap on the old fire nation battle ship go off. She investigates and finds that an air bending avatar is living at the south pole village. She decides she wants to speak with him.

Azula didn't believe the avatar existed before this point. Hiding didnt add up to her knowledge of the morality of airbenders, so she assumed the air nation avatar from the start of the war would be dead. She would know if one had appeared in the water tribe, as the south had all its benders killed and the north was compacted so close together it would be impossible to hide. Earth would be harder, but they were most likely to fight back and out act. And if in ba sing se they'd be used as a weapon or gotten rid of to preserve the peace of the city. Once the culcle progressed to the fire nation it would either be used to take over the other nations or enf the cycle for good. After all, there hasn't been an air bender for a hundred years even if the rumors of some acolytes surviving were truthful.

Azula kidnaps aang with far more ease than she should of been able to. Once he stops struggling she calmly offers him tea and promises to release him once their discussion is finished. He takes the tea and drinks it without question and besides a wary glare shows no more hostility. She thought him a fool, the tea could have easily been poisoned and promised are nothing but words. His naivete makes her job easier though.

She finds out that he was suspended frozen in the avatar state the last 100 years. And so, Azula informs him of the war and the fire nations crimes, advising him to master the elements if he wants to prevent all his new friends and the avatar cycle from certain destruction. Aang is conflicted, he never asked for any of this. Azula just gives a bitter smile. "The hands of fate were never designed to take requests, they move without regard to any life dependent on it. Dont waste your breath when there is nothing you can do."

Azula wants to see Ozai fail. If helping the avatar is what it takes then so be it. When his friends appear to save him she let's them leave without a fight. Theyll be useful in the future.

As the gaang's travels kick off she sets out to find out if the rumours about the acolytes are true. In this she finds a traveling circus. The youngest daughter and an old friend of hers was eager to escape and found Azula's life exciting. She didn't hesitate after being invited along, insisting that traveling would be easy for her and that she'd pull her own weight.

She encounters the gaang a few times as time goes by. The relationship is reluctant on the water tribe siblings part, they dont trust her and hold a decent amount of fear towards her. Her cold and calculating demeanor was unsettling, but the unhinged way she fought was terrifying. Her form was perfect and her attacks were precise, but the bigger the fight the more lost she became as she laughed and shrieked and occasionally snapped at someone who didnt seem to be there. The only worse reaction was when she zeroed in on one opponent, picking them apart both mentally and physically as she drove them to the ground. )

Things that'll happen as I move through an episode list:

Azula doesn't have her ship attacked do she diesnt run into zhao while doing repairs, instead going straight to ty lee.

Azula learns that the gaang is on kyoshi island and heads ther after them. She has been keeping track of the avatar as they move. Ty lee gets along well with the kyoshi warriors while azula buts heads with them. They dont want her there and azula hates it when people get in the way. Zhao appears to try to capture aang and Azula dips at the same time as the gaang. She tells ty lee she can stay but she insists on sticking with azula. This puts her on edge.

Ty lee gets captured by earth benders, when she escapes on her own she cements her usefulness to Azula.

They run into zhao trying to capture the avatar and azula tells him she'll capture him first. They both attack aang during the solstice, though azula's attacks are all purposefully set to miss and trip up zhao as much as possible. Aang is the best way to prove her father wrong and she's not going to lose that.

They rob the pirates that try to capture the avatar. Azula needs the resources and it gives her leverage over the gaang.

After almost killing ty lee for scaring her by popping up behind her Azula tells her why she was banished. (In more of a "my own mother thought I was a monster" way than an opening up about trauma way.)

Azula learns that zhao has captured aang and frees him. She then sets to reworking her information network as not all of them are scared enough of her to not fail her. She remedies it quickly.

Azula learns that zhao is plotting her assassination and decides it's the perfect moment to fake her death.

Azula enters the north pole to defeat zhao and gain any information she can. Ty lee rades a library during the confrontation. Zhao is surprised and infuriated to see her alive, Azula smiles as she sends him to his death knowing that she is not only helping the avatar but also that he gave her a perfect way to hide from the fire nation. (When news of his sisters death reaches hum, Zuko doesnt know what to think. She was always cruel to him, but she was still his little sister.)

The crown prince of the fire nation is sent to capture the avatar. Azula follows him as he begins his search. (Zuko begins to think he's going insane as he keeps catching glimpses of his recently deceased sister out of the corner of his eye.)

Ty lee keeps running into a girl she slowly befriends. She's gloomy and sarcastic and ty lee thinks Azula would like her. (Zuko's fiance Mai tells him that she thinks his sister is still alive.)

As Azula notices ty lee become more and more distracted as she absorbed herself into the cultures that surround them she decides it's best for them to split up. Ty lee diesnt agree, but Azula leaves anyway. She has work to do.

While traveling alone Azula cant escape the thoughts of her mother. Of her fathers betrayal. Of the life she lost because the idiot elders had no grip on proper strategy that even a child could create. She meets a boy that reminds her far too much of zuko with a mother far to similar to theirs. When she sends the bandits controlling the town running she knows it's more than just controlling a territory that compelled her. But at the same time she doubts not following through on the whim would have bothered her.

Ty lee meets toph and chat for a bit. Ty lee tells her about azula and how she left. When toph tells her she should forget her she insists that azula didnt really ditch her and that they're still friends. They talk about their friends and childhood.

Ty lee finds Azula and immidiently jumps at her, which she does not enjoy. Ty lee insists that she still wants to travel with her and Axula sighs as she let's her tag along to the next location, ba sing se.

Azula slips through guards and protocols as she tries to gain any information she can to help her once they reach the city. Ty lee befriends a guy named jet and his group, the freedom fighters. When he tries to get more than friendship she turns him down and it becomes much more awkward.

Ty lee becomes a street performer and chames everyone she meets as Azula researches the dai lee and how they keep control. After lashing out in frustration ty lee drags her out to enjoy the city's night life.

Azula learns of the presence of the avatar and location of appa. She frees him and sets to work taking control of the dai lee. She let's herself be briefly captured but her plan shifts when katara is thrown in with her. Katara is pissed just being around her and azula plays up a cool kind of annoyance. Katara briefly catches sight of the burns on Azula's back and offers to heal her, only for Azula to freak out and yell at her to stay away, backing against a far wall in a fighting stance. They are saved by the rest if the gaang and ty lee shortly after.

Azula goes back to try and salvage her plan only to be caught off guard by the appearance of her brother and his offer to return to the fire nation. Not willing to lose all possible advantages, she agrees. They battle the gaang, and when they are almost captured azula sends a bolt of lightning at aang, causing them to retreat. Katara can heal him more easily than she can maneuver them out of an execution.

Azula returns to the fire nation with her brother, mai and ty lee, starting the beginning of a large power play between her and her father. They are sent to lo and li beach house. The relationship between the siblings is tense, zuko has always been the child born with nothing who gained everything when his blessed at birth sister lost it all. Azula has always been cruel, but he cant help but let his heart catch on the moments when she's not. ("My own mother thought I was a monster, My father thought i was too difficult to keep around" "Don't let their words blind you, you need to be more careful, zuzu." "I learned the hard way to never turn your back to anyone, and the scars will always be there as a reminder if I need it." )

Azula runs into iroh, who is very disapproving of her presence. He warns her to stay away from zuko and to watch herself while at the palace. Later, zuko comes to her asking about their great grandfather. Upon being pressed he admits that he was sent a mysterious letter. He thought she was going to burn it when he handed it to her but instead the heat from the fire revealed a hidden ink. "Honestly brother, did you ever pay attention at all during lessons?" They find a autobiographical scroll of their great grandfathers life and the secret that their other great grandfather was roku. Azula scoffed at the idea of bloodlines deciding fate and quickly left. But Zuko remained conflicted.

During the day of the black sun Azula confronts Ozai. As iroh and Zuko fight the avatar. She learns that her mother left for zuko's sake and that she was never going to be fire lord. Azula tells him she'll be somthing even better and leaves the palace.

Azula and ty lee follow the gaang to the western air temple. Katara immidprntly attacks but is quickly rendered unable to bend by ty lee. Azula tells them that the only way for them to of gotten out was for Aang to be incapacitated, and she knew katara could heal him. Aang decides they can stay but have to stay distanced from everyone else.

Azula tries to teach aang fire bending but is slowly growing sick while aang is barely able to produce a puff of smoke. Unable to sleep and constantly on edge, it soon affects her bending, sending her spiraling as she loses control on the only consistent power she's ever had. Her and aang journey to find the true source of fire bending to try to help their conditions.

Still sick, Azula is itching to do anything away from the temple. Finding sokka trying to reach the boiling rock to find his father, she decides to go with him as she knows the prison well. Sokka declines but she goes anyway. They dont find his father, but they do find suki. Azula formulates a plan but they postpone when sokka's father arrives.

Azula comes up with a new plan, now reluctant to include sokka. He tells her to trust him but she insists she has no reason to. Her sickness has been getting worse and he tells her she needs to trust him, making her angry. Only when he catches her while they're escaping dies she finally begin to accept trusting him, if only slightly.

(While they're away ty lee tries to convince

Azula goes with Katara to find the man who killed her mother. Azula has no concept of why katara is so upset, which causes her to get angry. But azula tracks the man anyway.

Ember island players- azulas character has the scar across her chest. She's absolutely insane and "not entirely inaccurate, but I'd never come up with such a dumb plan." Shes also heavily implied to be more than close to ty lee, which azula has no reaction to even as the others freak out.

I havent decided the ending, zuko will probably turn to the gaang's side. I'll add more later and maybe write or illustrate a bit.

[betweentheracks]

Heyo! Not to be too nosy here but you mentioned you're in bad health and recovering, and I just wondered what happened? Also how would it impact your career since, from how you've made it all seem thus far, it's a highly active and demanding job?

Hope you take care and get well! You appear quite strong and not like you'd take whatever has happened just lying down, so here's to you!! 🙏💓

No sweat and no worries here, I dont find this particularly invasive. If anything, I'm flattered you care to ask after me lol. 😁

A few weeks back I met a friend I hadn't seen in some time for lunch. This was against my better sense of caution that I've held firmly to throughout the pandemic, but I would feel regretful and dismissive if I didnt agree to see her while I had the chance. I should've listened my gut and stayed safely at work because this "friend" failed to mention she had tested positive (she knew already by the time of our lunch date, she has since admitted) and had figured since she had no symptoms there was no harm in being in public.

FF only a few days later and I was feeling a little unwell but had put it off as an effect of the winter blast that had just hit where I live. I'd spent half a day out in the cold and snow for a photoshoot only the day before and thought it was probably due to that since I'm susceptible to weather influenced head colds and bronchitis. Fortunately, my job mandates a rigid COVID-19 screening twice a week due to our high profile clientele and as an assurance of health and safety for us all. Mine read back with a positive and with the way I had been feeling I was immediately sent home and the company closed its doors while the building was sterilized and our clients notified.

Thankfully I managed not to infect anyone I work with nor my son. Regrettably, I did infect my best friend since we're horrifically incapable of maintaining personal space and have weak shit immune systems. We both agree it is a wonder we made it this far into plague times without it catching us.

So I went and got looked over and sent on my way with my prescription of potent anti-virals and steroids. I was well prepared to abide the quarantine guidelines and had sent my son to my mother's home for the duration so that he was out of the danger zone. It was fine, I was kinda cool and keen on getting a few days to myself to rest up and all that jazz. But it wasn't meant to last and I found trouble in the form of being unable to remain conscious much at all and would pass out constantly. After a few times of this I gave my brother (he's a doctor and vaccinated) a ring and told him that my fatigue was no joke dude and needed him to come give me a better once over than the one I'd gotten before bc I was sure I was not meant to feel this badly. He found me unconscious in the shower that night, my head battered from crashing to the basin.

After ensuring I wasn't concussed and jokes on what a hard head I have to take such a beating and show no signs of registering it beyond bruising (a joke between us due to him having once accidentally put a golf club into my forehead and fracturing my skull but that's a different story) he told me to call him regularly so that he can review how I feel and the progression of my symptoms and left. By the morning I had already had two more instances of sudden fatigue and collapsing in on myself. I had been posting on my main blog here about how I was doing and due to this I caught the concern of @peekbackstage and upon their suggestion to have my O2 levels tested it was revealed that I was having issues with my blood not circulating oxygen as it should and nearing hypoxia.

Here's the rub. I have a heart condition that is already very dangerous and bleak which limits my heart's capability of delivering blood through my body as it should. Cardiomyopathy or, as it seems better known, congestive heart failure. I've had surgery for it and it has been a while since it caused me any real issues as long as I stick to my routine of care and manage my health, but when COVID-19 infiltrated my body it immediately snagged upon this weak heart of mine and sank its fangs in.

Within a day of being admitted to the hospital I had a grand mal seizure due to the constant fluctuations of oxygen in my blood and the way my body was working double time to supplement for it. And only 2 days after that and when my nervous system had finally quieted down, I went into full cardiac arrest with a heart attack at my young age.

My next weeks were spent connected to machines doing more for me than my own body could. I developed pneumonia in my lungs, acute though it was it was still another complication that my wrecked body had to overcome as it made my already ragged breathing even worse. I was steadily shedding muscle tone and definition due to a lack of mobility and the fact that my body felt like a deadweight I could hardly take command of, and generally very weakened. My heart, the horrible thing, was inflamed and trying too hard by beating too fast, too hard.

FF some more and I was doing fairly well and treatments were showing some improvement. My heart was still being an ugly and gnarled beast in my chest and throwing weird spikes on the monitor that raised alarms. The pneumonia was retreating and I had no further seizures. It was the dawning light of my first signs that I was recovering!

It took a while more and so fucking many tests day in and day out for me get cleared for release. I tested negative for COVID-19 and was ashamed that I actually forgot that that was why I was even in the hospital to begin with, given all that happened. I have to undergo physical therapy and counseling; PT for heart happy exercises as well as to manage to my depleted muscles, counseling bc I was rocked mentally from all the almost dying and the depressive haze of being holed up in the hospital and surrounded by people who, like me, came in with COVID-19 but unlike me did not come out of it.

I'm home now. I had to have a pacemaker implanted and must stay vigilant for any showing that my heart is not performing as it should. I still have some severe inflammation and chest restriction in my airways as well as my blood vessels but nothing too daunting. I also have a full battalion of prescriptions, most for my heart, and a nebulizer to ease any breathing issues. The worst is honestly that I still am very weak and have severely limited reserves of energy.

My job is required to make me take 12 weeks of leave for rest and recuperation. This is very upsetting since I had been requested by name to be an assistant stylist at the Grammys this year which is truly a dream (especially with BTS in the mix 😩😩) and also bc I'm just a workaholic by nature and love my job. When I return I am expected to learn how to properly delegate tasks that do not directly require me to handle and slow down the pacing of my projects. My boss terminated a contract with a client that was nearing the scheduled end of our agreement and was also incredibly problematic to help lighten my workload. It's imperative that I reign in my stress levels or my heart will not last until the next surgery I'll need, so I'm gritting my teeth and letting my job be picked apart to reduce my responsibilities.

My post awaits my return but I will not be returning to full activity for a while after, which means no rifling through the racks for hours alongside the archivists in search of the perfect piece. I'll be welcome to meet with my clients and oversee the glam teams, will still be the command tower for final verdicts on which styles to use. But I will not be running around showrooms nor personally handling matters any competent trainee could be tasked with like I've always done. I will no longer be able to fly out anywhere for destination shoots or fashion shows.

If, after my next surgery, things are better and my heart stable to the point that they are hopeful of things will be reevaluated. While it is difficult beyond measure for me to relinquish the reigns of my career and be restricted in what I can do now, I am very thankful to be alive and upright when that wasn't a certainty just a little while ago. This is such a humbling experience to have survived when my stats kept dropping every day. I've been told to expect that I will never make a full 100% recovery and to expect to stall out around the 70%-90% range, with 70% being the most realistic.

My best friend (the one I gave the plague to) will be moving in with me so that I am never on my own if things go tits up and to assist in wrangling a toddler since I am currently without the energy to do so as my child is, sincerely, a crazy gremlin spawn with limitless battery life. Slowly, my life will regain some normalcy 💖

[rickriordanfandam]

opinions on riordanverse ; my edition

a lot of people have been doing this so i decided why not right. probably gna lose some followers or smth but anyways. pls respect my opinions! if u disagree, thats fine, but please be polite. unless any of my opinions strikes u as morally wrong then pls point it out to me respectfully. thanks!

- i actually liked drew. im so sorry to everyone who hates her but full offence, why. think about it this way ok, first of all drew became hc because silena died. silena was the traitor, the one who betrayed chb, yet after she died campers celebrated her as a hero? and then drew suddenly has to replace her and live up to idk that legacy she left behind,, when all of a sudden this girl named piper swoops in and takes her place. idk abt u but i wld be salty abt that too. not only that, but as an asian, the chances of drew having faced racism/bullying as a child is pretty high (she studies at brooklyn academy). which means that when she finds out shes a demigod, and arrives at chb where most of the campers are white (this is an assumption btw), she’d obviously be scared of being bullied for her skin color right?? so the first thing she wld do before the campers get to bully her is to bully them before they can do so. (sentence structure here is wack i apologize) ofc this might not even have happened, drew could have had a perfect childhood && was a b1tch for no reason, BUT EVEN THEN HER ROLE AS A BULLY WAS PRETTY VITAL BECAUSE THAT FURTHER SHOWED THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HER AND PIPER,, HIGHLIGHTING PIPER AS A HERO//GOOD CHARACTER,, AND THEREFORE MAKING READERS LIKE PIPER MORE. anyway stop hating on drew please. ALSO WHY IS THIS SO LONGA SDFJHG

- jason isnt bland, the fandom just kinda erased his backstory (thanks to @pjohoo-memes for the phrasing lol)

- reynabeth wouldnt have lasted/would have broken up several times. idk i just see them as two extremely powerful characters who have firm opinions and will definitely clash at some point. in a platonic relationship,, i can see them as really good friends but as lovers? idk i just think theyll break up

- PIPABETH

- i dont really like jercy,, i see them as better friends than lovers. also idt jason and percy were that close..?

- the dam and not my type jokes are srsly cringey and were never funny. ik that seems hypocritical since my username literally makes use of the dam joke but honestly i dont actually like the joke. its not funny to me and has never been funny

- the seven were not best friends. they definitely argued,, and honestly probably werent as close as the fandom makes them seem. like ure dumped with 6 other people, out of which u only know a few. my introverted ass would have jumped off the argo 2 quicker than leo valdez could bomb camp jupiter up. also leo was a dick to frank. so what if frank is bigger sized?? thats not a valid reason to tease him

- the fandom needs to stop hating on octavian while worshipping luke. if u hate luke and u say u hate octavian too, then okay. but if u tell me ure a luke stan but u despise octavian?? imma disagree w u. luke was worse than octavian im sorry. first of all, octavian being a dick was kinda justified. hes been after the praetor position for so long, and everyone keeps saying to “wait for jason” when suddenly this dude, whos a son of NEPTUNE (neptune wasnt liked much by romans), and the camp decides to make him praetor?? dude i would be pissed off big time. and then afterwards, he finds out that greek demigods are real and the dude they made praetor is greek. AND THEN GREEK DEMIGODS COME TO CJ AND ONE OF THEM BOMB IT UP?? octavian has been told all his life that greeks are scum and this dude called leo valdez attacks cj. sure it was an accident, but did octavian know that? no. so it was honestly justified that he was such a salty prick im just saying. also some of yall be hating on octavian for cutting a teddy bear open and thats the funniest shit ive ever heard i swear 

- luke didnt go to elysium

- travis and connor stoll r way too underrated. the two have been head counselors of the hermes cabin since luke was revealed as a traitor, can u imagine the stress? luke, the person they probably looked up to as a brother, betrayed them. and they didnt even have time to process this when they were  thrown the roles of being hcs. that would have been so stressful and i would probably have broken down if i were them. the stoll brothers taking turns to wake up at ungodly hours because a new camper is crying and homesick and terrified, the stoll brothers having to comfort and take care of new campers, having to deal with the amount of people in that cramped space because not enough campers are being claimed fast enough. having to resolve issues between campers in the hermes cabin all the time. the stolls arent just comedic relief, and we need to stop treating them as such

- tratie shldve been canon idc idc

- demigods of the demeter cabin arent talked about enough and i love the fact that meg was demeters kid. like she isnt the child of one of the big three yet shes so powerful.

- we need to hype clarisse up more her character arc was phucking amazing 

- rachel is overhated. sis found out greek gods exist and regularly come down to earth to fuck around and went “ok cool”. queen shit behavior methinks

- the floor 19 crew of mcga is srsly underrated. like do u even remember halfborn gunderson, mallory keen, tj, etc??? bc i feel like we only remember samirah, magnus, alex, and sometimes blitz and hearthstone

- sadie (tkc) was kinda annoying at first. i like her more now tho but i rmb not liking her for a phat while

- tkc and mcga need more love

- carter kane and jason grace arent boring. theyre just really sweet boys who are too good for this world and yes yes yes 

- hazel and frank (especially frank) need to be hyped up more. i hardly ever see anything about them. also yall seem to forget that frank was literally made praetor and that even hecate admired hazel and was willing to fight beside her because of how powerful she was

- frazels age gap is kinda sketch but i still think theyre really cute

- nico definitely had trauma from going to tartarus on his own

- GROVER IS PERCYS BEST FRIEND

- annabeth isnt smarter than leo but neither is leo smarter than annabeth. ive seen a lot of discussions about who is smarter and heres my hot take on it: neither. theyre equally smart, just in different ways. leos a genius mathematically speaking. he has no issues solving math problems meant for people much, much older than him. annabeth on the otherhand, is great at strategies etc. she can make an army of 1000 more powerful than the enemy, even if theyre outnumbered. so in my opinion, both are equally as smart//u cant compare their intelligence, because their talents lie in two different areas.

- while i do agree rick riordan isnt a god and that hes bound to make mistakes,, AND that hes given us a lot of representation,, if the representation offends the people its sposed to represent, then theres a problem. im talking about piper as a poc and wearing feathers in her hair. im not a poc, so i cant speak for them on whether or not its wrong, because i dont know either. HOWEVER, i have seen multiple posts BY pocs talking about how they didnt really like rick’s representation of piper, and thats an issue. pocs have been and are still oppressed and discriminated against by many. as a white cis man, we cant really blame him for not knowing (tho he could have done a research,, asked some pocs,, idk), but by representing pocs in that manner, hes influencing impressionable kids/teens into thinking “oh pocs wear feathers in their hair all the time” etc, which isnt true. the pjo/hoo series is extremely successful, and kids who read the books will probably start forming inaccurate opinions on pocs. the amount of fan art that depicts piper with feathers in her hair dont help either. “but rick said so in the books, so its canon” yeah well rick isnt a god and he can get some things wrong at times. im not saying we should cancel him, im saying we should start educating ourselves and not spread false info like pocs wearing feathers in their hair all the time. also that snake song shit where she sang Summertime was just- yeah. bc heres the thing you can be racist, and still include minorities, but portray them in a racist way. And even then, ignorance isn't a thing to admire. Getting those facts wrong still has a major impact. It continues to perpetuate racist stereotypes.

“ With the feather thing, I looked it up myself; it takes less than five minutes to figure out that Cherokees don't braid feathers into their hair. I didn't grow up in the country where my parents are from. I have many other first/second generation American friends who have also been through that, with a bit of a disconnect from their culture. But something that most of us have in common is that when we didn't know something, and when our parents weren't that big of a help, we looked it up. We sought out resources online and through other people from our culture to be able to connect more with where we came from. Some of that took a Google search. So I find it hard to believe that Piper, a girl who Rick's trying to portray as someone who is attempting to connect with her culture and is totally against racist stereotypes, wouldn't know that eagle feathers aren't supposed to be braided into your hair casually. She may be disconnected from her culture, but she's also shown to want to connect back to it. Piper wouldn't be casually braiding feathers into her hair while also telling off people for being racist. It makes no sense.” - reddit thread (down below) 

for those of yall who wanna know more please please read this, it has a lot of things i wanna add in here : https://www.reddit.com/r/camphalfblood/comments/gy3gl2/piper_mcleans_portrayal_is_innacurate/ 

as well as https://finding-my-culture.tumblr.com/post/189422373260/maxie-ratties-and-cattie-finding-my-culture 

i will be posting screenshots of these in future posts so if ure viewing this on ig and u dont have tumblr,, dont worry 

- the fact that most of the strong female characters in the series refuse to be “girly”, and ngl i dont really like that. just because ure girly doesnt mean u cant be strong. 

- piper would have been a great way for him to start making the strong characters act girlier, but instead he went with the “I’m not like other girls” trope which is quite obnoxious to hear constantly, and I don’t think it’s necessarily great for younger girls to read that idea growing up.  the closest we've ever had to a strong female character who was also into "girly" things was Silena. when I was younger I admired Piper's "I'm not like other girls" thing, but then I got older and realized that the whole mentality of "not like other girls" is super obnoxious, and a little bit toxic

i have a heck load more that i cant rmb rn but yeah feel free to add more 

[xnchxntmxnt]

Hello, my name is Ghost and I'd like to put in for an Ouran matchup please (if you have any slots left). I'm genderfluid, use any pronouns, and I'll date anyone regardless of gender. I'm on the shy side when I first meet someone and don't talk very much to anyone I don't know, but once I'm comfortable I open up and share my interests and other things about myself. Although, even if I don't know someone well I always make a considerable effort to be incredibly polite and kind to them because I don't know if someone is already having a bad day and I don't want to make it any worse. I'm definitely the mom friend of my group and always carry first aid supplies, snacks, water, a blanket, and fidget toys. I love music and can't go a day without using my headphones. I can play the drums but I'm a bit rusty since I haven't played in a year or two and I also play some piano and am working to learn more. I've been in choir since I was a little kid and love to sing but I have too much stage fright to perform alone. I have a naturally deeper singing voice despite being AFAB. I'm also very into cooking, baking, mythology, reading and writing. I'm starting college a semester late as biology major with emphasis on zoology as I love animals and would want to be a veterinarian at zoo that's involved in conservation efforts. I hope you have a lovely rest of your day and remember to eat, drink some water, and take any meds if you need to. ❤

aaa this took forever im sorry i got super busy after i put out the thing for these but ANYWAY its done now

also the name ghost is so cute what <3 idk why i love it though

kaoru hitachiin!

do u know how long it took me to find a picture without his brother and im still not 100% sure i have the right one— anyway

mom friend. perfect. he needs one.

mans a royal mess

we know this

honestly i think his first impression of you was. he was probably excited to see someone who wasn't so into the whole act he and hikaru do and just liked talking to him

he also saw the shyness and (whenever hikaru wasnt around) let himself be a little more genuine, which meant he was less flirty and more soft with you

im getting lots of accidentally bushing hands and gentle conversations over tea at the beginning vibes

once you're comfortable around each other though?? that changes a little

yell at him to eat breakfast bc he'll get busy and wont (or jsut doesnt feel like getting up some days)

he'll do the same to you of course

mutually taking care of each other <3

you might always have stuff, but anything you forget, he seems to have

need a hair tie? he's got it. Forgot an extra bottle of water for yourself? he's got one (or knows where to get one)

he loves to buy things for you but not like. super fancy extravagant gifts. he likes doing chill and not necessarily inexpensive things, but he likes showing up with your favorite snack or "i saw this stuffed animal and thought you'd like it so here" kinda vibes

if that makes sense at all

he LOVES sharing music with you

please give him your other earbud and lean your head on his shoulder on long car rides

he loves it so much

he loves getting to know you through music because music can honestly be so intimate

make him a playlist. its the best gift you can give him

make him several playlists

he loves when you do that and listens to them all

on loop

he'll make you playlists too you guys are just exchanging them all the time

he likes listening to you play too whether its drums or piano or anything else you pick up

he just enjoys seeing you have fun w it

dont get me started on how much he likes listening to you sing

swoons

every time

he's so in love

anything youre into he immediately just. finds as much information as he can about it

he loves listening to you rant about mythology and stuff like that

maybe you're reading a new book

the moment he gets you to spit out the title and author he's scrolling through google trying to find little trivia about it

this is of course so when you talk about it he can be excited about it with you

this happens a lot

half the time he'll end up just reading the book

and if its a series? good luck.

you two WILL be up until 2am or later finishing the last book because you have to see how it ends

overall wholesome. 10/10 would reccomend