#im also like upset about shit again and i literally am so unstable

[sapphic-bifrost]

it’s 3 in the morning and i just got back to my dorm room! and i have been studying nonstop since 6 pm!!! and im waking up again in 4 hours to study again! who fucking designed college

[lukesperfectharmonyhair]

im rewatching jatp instead of studying for the 3 tests i have tomorrow and i thought i would share my thoughts and reactions with each episode so enjoy!!....

wake up

- hearing the “1, 2, 3″ at the start of the episode gives me more serotonin than my antidepressants ever will

- julie’s slippers...that’s it...that’s the thought

- that dry ass pasta the molina’s are eating for dinner??? someone needs to give my man ray some cooking tips or a cookbook... something

-the looks the boys give julie when she says it was an OLD cd she found. as if they could be old??

-the entire julie and luke kitchen scene i mean there are no words to describe how much i am in love with scene. the banter, the flirting, luke giving this girl he literally just met an actual PIECE OF HIS SOUL so she can get music back into her life. not a single time have i watched that scene and not felt my heart literally grow cause of how cute they are. 

-the entire scene when julie is singing wake up. that scene is what made me literally CRAVE watching the other episodes. like of course i was going to watch them cause i wasn’t gonna just stop watching a show after one episode, and yes the show was good already but seeing the lighting and her voice, and just everything about the scene,,,,*chef’s kiss* 

bright

-flynn drinking seven sodas....SEVEN??? i would be throwing up if i drank more than like 2 and she drank seven,,,no ma’am.

- flynn and her trumpet. talented queen

- “ i wouldn’t have given you the song if i didnt think you were gonna rock it.” lmaooo im crying:)

- i start tearing up every time julie goes to play the first notes of bright,,, and then i’m full on bawling when the guys come in and play with her cause...they weren’t playing to be seen they were playing to be there for her and play to comfort her. pls i love them<3

- nick vibing in the front row

- the tech guy deserves so much more praise

flying solo

- reggie’s little butt shake or whatever you wanna call it!!

- julie’s little laugh when she yells at the guys to stop it

- “and we’re on the runway again” GENUINELY one of my favorite lines of the whole show pls i love luke’s humor

-this is the first time i noticed this but reggie’s face after alex says “DONT TELL ME HOW TO GHOST!”

-WILLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU<3333333

-the slow mo helmet take off,,,,me too alex me too

-willie’s little giggles:))))

- “oh-oh!”

- “no clue” alex i love you baby<3

- next season better give us a scene of flynn throwing eggs at someone’s house because i think it’s safe to say we were robbed of that experience. 

- the flying solo performance is just amazing

i got the music

- just the whole opening scene is so cute ....the dancing, singing, happiness RADIATING from julie 

-nick in an all white suit and fedora

-WILLEX MUSEUM DATE YEAH BABYYYYY

- carefree skateboarder bf and anxiety ridden drummer bf

- yelling. in. museums. 

-alex thinking he’s literally dying again because of the salt... zero braincells in this band.

- another scene we were robbed of that i need to see in season 2...reggie singing “home is where my horse is” while alex and julie sit patiently and attentively listen to him but luke looks like he’s about to commit murder

- i get SO MUCH second hand embarrassment for julie when she looks through luke’s songbook and says “ wow luke I didn’t know you were such a romantic” julie baby i love you but...eekkkkk

- “he looks like a substitute teacher”- where did he come up with that like so many other things he could be compared to but a substitute teacher??

- “luke introduced you to rock” heck yeah it did.. literal soulmates

- would like to see a picture of the raccoon in Flynn’s backyard

- wee woo wee woo police sirens://///

- julie’s outfit ughhhh i love it

- the poster that im pretty sure says “sexiest role” behind caleb... why was that necessary 

the other side of hollywood

- THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE OF THE OTHER SIDE OF HOLLYWOOD 

- i lose my absolute shit over this song omg literal chills

- the cape grab i cannot physically do this rn

- willie being so excited the entire performance and looking over to see alex’s reaction

- reggie being in awe everytime one of the girls performing does something.. me too reggie

-”well i wouldn't really call it mAAgiCcCC bUT”

- nick and his fedora again

- alex has a crush, alex has a crush on.....WILLIE

-the boys eating food for the first time in 25 years is honestly so realistic

-alex shoving a whole slice of pizza in his mouth

- lukes ‘OH MY GODDDDD’

- reggie kissing his meatball sub that looks painfully dry but also delicious 

- the continuation of the other side of hollywood performance and everyone dancing

-reggie imitating caleb’s evil laugh and owen trying so hard not to break

-me getting mad at the boys for not showing up for julie and being sad with her but at the same time i’m obviously not mad at the boys just...disappointed?? idk 

finally free

- how did julie get to the school if she missed the first three classes?? wasn’t she still at flynn’s house from the night before cause she slept over so did she walk to school or was she just sitting in flynn’s house by herself and one of flynn’s parents was like you gonna go to school or???

-dance class with nicky poo<3

-reggie fixing his amp in the rain

-julie’s blue dress outfit in this episode is my ABSOLUTE favorite 

- the birthday candle scene makes me sob like a little baby,,,and rightfully so

- julie smart, smart to be taking calculus as what a sophomore??

- all eyes on me yes queen iconic

- alex dancing is how i dance in my brain whenever the song comes on 

- finally free as a song is NEVER given enough credit and why not?? it’s my favorite song they do as a band AND the madison’s vocals and the echoing part omg i loveeeee

- and the whole performance with luke’s heart eyes. i count this performance as the moment luke like fell in love with julie...like full on just blown away with how much awe and admiration he has for her in that moment and all the time.

 - julie and luke singing “and you’re a part of me” while staring directly into each others soul,,,yeah that’s love kids

edge of great

- carlos being the ghost hunter he is and tía being done with him

- luke’s pouting face 

- reggie and ray making breakfast together is so wholesome. reggie really loves and seeks comfort in ray and i love that

- luke just waiting next to julie’s locker and his little “hey”

- the first time i watch this scene i thought charlie was from new york cause of the way he says “ i can't do this without you” and then i watched the cast interviews and just realized he is somewhat joey tribbiani 

- jealous luke hehehehehhehehe

- “well dont you look shARrP”- yes he does luke thank you very much

- “uh oh i think someone has a crush on julie” yeah you do you little shit,,, now admit it to her

- the proud look on luke’s face when he realizes julie is still paying attention to HIM even though she’s supposed to be having a full on conversation with nick

- the shoulder push ( as someone who has had their own shoulder pushed in the middle of a high school hallway as a weird way of flirting,,,,i can definitely somewhat attest to how luke is feeling in that moment and i too continued to flirt with the person who shoulder shoved me while we were still standing in the hallway)

- the flow from whatever the hell dance nick and julie are doing and the perfect harmony dance is so special to me and i love it

-ADOANCLOBNAOVBCOAB THE HAIR PLSSSSS

- EVERYTIME THE SCENE COMES ON AND I SEE HIM WALKING THROUGH THE MIRROR I HAVE TO PAUSE THE SHOW FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES WHILE I DIE LAUGHING BECAUSE THE HAIR IS SO BAD EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD BE USED TO HOW IT LOOKS AFTER WATCHING THIS SHOW LITERALLY 30 TIMES

- i think people see my username and assume i like his hair in this scene but...ummm fun little fact i do not like it

- the dance is so good though ugh my babies

- the hair

- madison is gorgeous 

- another season 2 scene i need: julie teaching this dance to luke and they perform it in front of alex and reggie so they can see luke roll on the floor like that

-the hair

- the lift i loveeee

- the voices at the end of the song *chef’s kiss*

- the way julie spins out from luke and into nick omg so good

- “thAnKs pArTnER”

- luke denying his feelings for julie,,,babe pls

- the whole edge of great performance is so good and beautiful and the colors are SPECTACULAR 

-julie avoiding luke’s gaze lolz

- can't believe my mans really tried to deny he didn’t have feelings for julie like 5 hours earlier even though he’s getting upset because she hasn’t looked at him in 2 minutes

- THE. GUITAR. RIFF. SOLO.

- when i finally learn how to play the electric guitar well enough to learn the guitar solo... it’s over for everyone

-nick just came to watch the girl he likes perform not watch her flirt with a hologram plssss can we give this man a break next season.

- “we have to say goodbye to julie”- that’s literally more important to luke than not playing music anymore because julie is music to him now

unsaid emily

-already crying and the episode hasn't even started

-willex in the orpheum

- alex literally being OVER reggie

- nope too emotionally unstable to watch this scene right now

- my therapist will be hearing about this tomorrow

- show us the baby picture of luke cowards

- this is such a beautiful song that makes me cry every fucking time gosh damn it

- everytime i watch the flashback scene of luke on his bike i think of “christmas song” by phoebe bridges and i cry even more

- i tried to learn how to play this song on my electric guitar (because i dont have an acoustic guitar) and i ended up crying half way through so i do not think i will be playing it anytime soon:/

- the harmonies *chef’s kiss*

- THE POLICE LIGHTS ....i cry

- FAT tears rolling down my face

- there's literally not a moment i don’t cry during this episode

- interesting little relationship :0

- when i played percussion in 7th grade i used to lay down on the couch in the practice room at school ( which god knows what people did on that couch...ew) and stick my drumsticks up my nose too,,,, just another similarity between alex and i 

stand tall

- willie really drove a bus 200 miles into the desert for his crush

- WILLEX HUG 

- i love willie no last name so much,,,i just wanna hold and protect him

- alex’s ballerina dance

-julie’s overall outfit i love<3

- “im swimming”

- the way carlos hangs up the iPad on tía makes me CRACK UP he’s just lmao bye girl

- another julie outfit i love

- “anything julie. you know that.” AHHHHHAASIDSJFPACISN love bitches

- the suits

- luke’s hair in this episode is so much better than the perfect harmony hair pls

- YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE

- the way luke looks so restricted and confined in his suit... but at the same time he looks like a 10 week old puppy

-luke’s AGGRESSIVE but small foot tapping leading up to being on the stage

- the solos:)))))

- crying again over julie’s monologue to her mom

- julie really was brave enough to be ready to perform by herself

-the way Trevor looks at carrie when she says “been here before”

-ALEXXXXXX

-REGGIEEEEE

-luuukkKKKEEEEEEE

- this performance makes me cry

- especially the first time when i saw luke flickering...sobs

- he finally looks free in his suit:))

- alex’s solo is so pretty i love him

- reggie’s solo too 

- nick just straight up vibing the entire performance

- alex and luke holding hands...hehehe cute besties

- “thank you, guys” NO THANK YOU 

- the way julie begs for them to do something about the jolts for HER cause she knows luke would never say no to her

- “no music is worth making, julie, if we’re not making it with you,” I JUST SCREAMED AND IM PRETTY SURE I WOKE UP MY ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD...whoops

- going back to that line i could say so much about it but....for someone who’s life was literally MUSIC for the 17 years he was alive, and after finding out he could play music again even though he was dead and saying it made him feel alive, he would give that up- he would give up playing his guitar, playing in a band with his friends, give up writing and singing music- if he wasn’t doing that with julie. that’s more than saying i love you,,,that’s literally like saying i’d give up my ENTIRE LIFE and what i love to do if i dont get to do it with you

- i just made myself cry with that description...wow

-the hug<3

-also imagine how luke felt in that moment,,, hearing this girl, once again that he would give his life up for, saying in his ear that she loves them. i would motherfucking glow too, luke

- *passionately but gently holds each others faces*

-HANDS OFF MY BABY NICK, CALEB

- caleb’s outfit is....something

- the head turn plssss

this was so long and i am so sorry but if you read this far.....leave some of your own reactions or thoughts:)))

k goodnight im gonna, ugh, finally go study ://

[sammansonn]

My Thoughts on the 100 7x07

alright lets start with the sanctum plot

still not Super obsessed with the sanctum plot but i do love murphy and emori also am glad that indra finally went to figure out where the others are and hopefully she’ll find gaia because we Still don’t know if she’s okay

i love emori so much and she was really trying so hard this episode to help people and things just went to shit and im So Upset

i’m also Very scared that john is gonna die this season idk if its all the talk of him being a hero or of being a survivor but i have Fear and if he dies me and emori are gonna Cri and its not gonna be good

i am So Glad madi finally got some fucking Therapy and has some fucking Friends its what she Deserves

listening to emori talk about her family and being kicked out just upset me because they Were wrong about her she is Amazing and Lovely and i Love her

sheidheda is actually real scary and i Knew he was just messing around with murphy and just baiting him it was Rough

watching emori so happy at the ceremony as families reunited genuinely warmed my heart but also i Knew bad shit was gonna happen

i also fully cried when Nelson met his mom it was so sweet and you could see nelson just felt like a little kid again who just wanted his mom (which was also mirrored nicely in hope and dioyza but we’ll get to that)

i also Continued to cry when he killed his dad the pain on nelson’s face as he watched both his parents hate him was Too Much

shit really hit the fan and i am just very concerned about nikki and nelson because they are Both very unstable and i also feel like this is gonna but a strain on emori and murphy’s relationship (which i know isn’t As big as the general murder and crime of nikki but still

okay bardo time

first off when we saw bellamy in the flashback i was so emotional i literally started tearing up just hearing his voice and even though i don’t like echo i still thought the scene was kinda cute but also i think it kinda showed that he never really knew much about her and that she really just switched her loyalty from azgeda to bellamy/spacekru and that is definitely reflected in her romantic feelings for him

but seeing bellamy even a little bit was the highlight of my day i love that man and miss him so much

so that scene with echo and octavia was genuinely sweet and also just shows how beautiful of a person octavia is and just how much she’s grown and how she genuinely is remorseful for what she’s done o that was just *chef’s kiss* but i also just thought it was a bit weird with echo just Really Resisting and octavia refusing to let go, i guess its just O’s motherly instinct after raising hope for 10 years but it just felt a bit odd but still a nice emotional scene

the scenes with hope and diyoza were all very upsetting and made me sad but we also love a mother daughter sparring bonding session

also hope’s face when she finds out about her bio dad was so painful that poor baby girl i just want to give her a hug

when hope just broke down it really Got me all the kids in the 100 just Deserve Better (also love that hope calls dev her dad its what he Deserves)

echo is just fully losing it which i guess makes sense but Jeez

not sure how i feel about the whole gang joining anders but gabriel said its been months since he joined so im nervous to see the girls after three months of being disciples??? we shall see i guess

as soon as i saw clarke i was happy again because i love that bitch more than anyone but Gabriel told her about bellamy???? her face??? the Devastation???

also raven looked Directly at clarke when she heard because she Knew clarke was gonna be devastated that girl ships bellarke Confirmed

im just Waiting to learn more about clarke being this fucking key also just want to see clarke more in general also would still Love to know where bellamy is (although im guessing they’re gonna have a whole episode following him and wherever the heck he be and then maybe at the end of that episode he’ll see clarke again we love a bellarke “one of them thought the other was dead” reunion)

[ihavenoconsistentname]

Alright semi-important rant time to give you an overview of what it's about:

-Potential TW/CW for talking about manipulation via victim complex and guilt tripping

-It's about the Crater System so if you know them guess what you need to read this

-Also mentions/talks about victim blaming

-There are mentions of telling people to off themselves/wishing death upon them and spoiler alert those two people are both 14

So be aware of that and just for scrolling's sake I'll put it under a cut

Also, this is not a "callout post" by any fucking means, it's literally just making sure people are aware that this shit happened mainly if those people are associated in any way with the Crater System.

So first of all if you feel the need to see any screenshots as "proof" for any of this by all means feel free to message me for them.

For like at least like around a year the Crater System basically used me as their personal therapist for shit about their dad often just saying random things about it and full on venting without asking if I was in the right headspace to hear it or even asking anything, and even if they did ask I would have the inability to say no, and here's why:

-I am hyper empathetic, and that has prevented me from saying "no" or saying "stop venting to me".

-They constantly said self deprecating and guilt trippy things like "I deserve the bad things happening" or "I'm such a bad person" basically just to get me to pity them and try to convince them otherwise, which severely burned out my empathy constantly.

And guess what? They reacted angrily when I was rightfully upset and TOLD THEM I could never say no because of my empathy when it should have been common sense not to vent and trauma dump TO A CHILD.

I am 14. Everyone in their system with a couple exceptions is an adult. Their system's body is 22, that is 8 fucking years older than me. I'm a child, they're whole ass adults.

They would randomly say stuff about their dad or situation as if I could do something and I never knew how to respond because it was out of nowhere. There were times when they'd throw vent paragraphs at me out of nowhere.

They often complained about wanting a 50/50 friendship but when I've accepted their vent offers, which mind you only happened like once or twice maybe 3 times, very rarely- I got responses nowhere near the level of help I tried to offer them.

One good example? When Cub let Wels vent. Kni vented about the severe attachment/detachment issues kni experiences, and Cub replied saying, and I'm quoting:

"Just try to remind yourself that this is your hormones and unstable teenage mind working against you."

If you were to look up the symptoms of BPD, and I am in no way saying any of us have it, that list of symptoms would literally give you a general idea of everything kni's been going through. All of it.

And mind you, this is a DID system failing to separate alters from their host and from the body because Wels as an individual alter is in knight's 30's and not 14 like I am and like the body is. And even if the brain being that of a 14 year old influences alters? That shit was disregarded as a teenage problem. You know why? Because "we were your age when it happened to us so that's why we think it's a teenage thing", again, quoting that word for word, and once again, failure to separate alters from the body and host. Because "your age" would be saying "we were in our 30's". Wels is not 14. I am. Wels was the one speaking. Not me.

They have such a massive victim complex and that really shows when you see how fucking often they would not shut up about what happened with someone else my age. Aka someone they also manipulated. If you were here when that was going on on my blog you'll know what I'm talking about.

I will tell you right fucking now I do not claim to have not been in the wrong just because I was manipulated into taking their side. I was not correct in doing or saying what I did and said. I reacted so fucking awfully literally victim blaming because of blind trust and I completely blame myself for that. I am not excusing any of that just because they manipulated me.

Over and over they kept bringing up that shit being guilt trippy about how "they ruined a friendship" and saying they deserved whatever bad was happening and I was so tired of hearing about it because at one point I literally regretted every single moment I was defending them because I was starting to realize I was so wrong for that.

And guess what, they would literally wish for that person, another 14 year old they literally manipulated and hurt, to be dead.

One of their alters threw a temper tantrum and told me twice to kill myself telling me once that I didn't deserve to live, that same alter saying, and I'm quoting:

"That fucker that deserves to fucking die-[name, im keeping the name out just because]- can burn in hell for all I care. He used us."

^With worse grammar/spelling that I fixed.

So that's an alter throwing a tantrum telling one 14 year old to kill himself and saying another the same age deserves to die for being a victim. There's a prime fucking example of their massive victim complex. And, how fucking ironic! They say a victim of their manipulation used them while literally using someone the same age as the other victim.

Constantly they brought it up and would either talk about how sooo fucking horrible (/s) that person was or talk about how horrible they were, and to the first I gave half asses replies acting like I agreed just to get them to shut the fuck up about it. Whole ass adults not owning up to things properly and instead being guilt trippy for the pity of another minor they got to defend them wrongfully and making themselves out to be the victim.

So even if I was technically manipulated into being on their side? I still don't take it as an excuse for myself. It isn't one.

To recap:

-They manipulated a 14 year old and played victim constantly about it

-They manipulated another 14 year old using their massive victim complex saying guilt trippy things for pity then got upset when that 14 year old who shouldn't have been used as a therapist for an adult (or adults, plural, if you want to say it that way) expressed that they were tired of it

-They had an alter disregard very serious issues someone was having as "hormones and an unstable teenage mind"

-In doing so they also failed to treat/acknowledge an adult alter as separate from the body who is a minor and the host who is a minor despite literally being a system

-They had an alter tell a 14 year old to kill themself/that they should be dead while also saying another 14 year old deserves to die for being the one they manipulated (once again playing victim)

-They repeatedly vented completely out of pocket/without asking only asking a few times but being so guilt trippy with their words that the person they forced their problems into was unable to say no to them

-And they also failed to respect the boundaries of people they hurt/affected negatively. I didn't go over this but they would not fucking let things go and insisted on trying to "apologize" to people who were trying to let it go basically refusing to leave them alone even after being told several times not to insist on doing it

If you're associated with the Crater System and you follow me, and you're going to continue to associate with them at complete will or downright ignore any of this? Leave.

I highly suggest you don't associate with them. Especially if you're a minor. I don't know who all here might know them but they're not good people and I found that out the hard way. You're literally just going to get yourself used and manipulated.

P.S. If you do talk to them and you ever get a word out of their mouths about me? Tell me.

[sovengarde]

i hate to vent in public but at this point my notes app is filling up and i have no where else to let this out

i really fucking hate being mentally ill. i fucking hate that i blow up at small things and push everyone away. i always fuck everything up, one way or another. everything is always my fault.

my mother has a friend she wants us to stay with but i hate it over there. im trying not to sound like some stoner cali dude but literally the vibe there makes me physically sick. by the time we're leaving, or fuck even before then, im just so drained of any energy it's not even funny. like i cant fall asleep to save my life but as soon as we get home im passed out, provided i didnt do that in the car.

but because the situation at home isnt great either she wanted us to stay with her. and normally i just say no i dont and it never really escalates but when the whole fight that happened last week between my mother and grandfather that denial was fought by her. i told her i didnt want to go into detail and she got upset but i figured it wouldnt be a problem like any other time.

so she leaves for a week to spend some time there and i locked myself in my room for the week. it felt nice to be by myself and not on edge all the time. because being around her is also draining. fuck she even said she had an amazing time. i've been trying to convince her to go back next week lol.

i walk on eggshells around my own mother. anytime she does anything remotely wrong i have to just sit and take it, because god forbid i bring up any concern to her. she shuts down and then a few hours later im being guilt tripped into apologizing. lather rinse repeat for the 19 years ive been alive.

honestly i wouldve rather have been raised like she was and not allowed to talk about anything at all. rather than her telling me i can talk about anything and when i actually do she throws it back into my face and blows up at me.

i have so many vivid memories of her losing her shit over things ive said. like the time i first came out and she screamed at me that i wasnt transgender bc i didnt fit the fuckin description of the 2 episodes of i am jazz she watched.

or when i told her about my suicidal thoughts and i had to coax her into the driveway bc she was standing in the street saying stuff like "well i should just let a car run me over!"

oh and then the time where she was screaming though the walls of my bedroom that "you should just get emancipated! how about you just fucking leave!" i used to have a fuckin recording of that but when my fb got closed i lost it.

just recently with my new psychiatrist i told her about the bpd diagnosis, side note i fuckin knew i had it since 10th grade, her gut reaction was "yea well i have all kinds of cancer! sorry go on" she fuckin """""""apologized"""""" after that. that literally told me her actual thoughts on my mental health, and that either she doesnt believe me or just doesnt fucking care

and then if i bring it up and she gaslights me telling me that shed never say anything like that. listen idk if you know this but traumatic events kinda stick in your brain for your entire life. i can hear her screaming at me when i think about these times, i can almost see it, it's like im actually there again.

but of course it's always my fault. shes on the phone with my aunt i think talking about "well that plans just not gonna happen." so blatantly in front of me. sitting in the bathroom of her office building damn near nauseous from the stress and then were gonna go home and shes either gonna keep being angry or try and act like itll never happen.

shit like this is why im constantly high now. because at least she'll leave me alone when im high. honestly with how things are going my racist, transphobic, and man baby grandfather starts to look less horrible compared to her. because at least he wont fuckin allow me to let my guard down and then spit in my face.

im so fucming exhausted, im quite literally at my wits end. ive only been in such a deep depression in highschool and i tried to game end myself. literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. i only have like 1 friend i can talk to and i hate putting shit on her, shes got enough on her plate as is. i dont have a therapist anymore. my psychiatrist doesnt like to talk about what's going on bc hes afraid of weed and only schedules meetings that are 30 minutes long.

worst part is i cant fuckin cry. i wanna let these emotions out but after years of pushing them down my """""""normal""""""" is unbareable numbness. i dont feel anything whatsoever. i react inappropriately in most situations. im just in a constant detached state, when i finally see through my own thick shit im terrified of who ive become, that is if i can even recognize my own face.

but from a very early age it was beaten into me that showing weakness to anyone will get me hurt so i stopped. moms even commented that i dont react in normal ways. shes told me she doesnt believe i have panic attacks as often as i do because im not outwardly freaking out. firstly theres multiple kinds of panic attacks. secondly everytime im shaking and suffocating i get yelled at. told im making too big a deal out of what's going on and that i need to stop. so i fuckin suppressed it.

but of course it's all my fault for being actually unable to regulate my fucking emotions and for being so distant and unstable all the time. it’s funny when im not making up my own problems actual issues destroy me. idk man im just. im really tired. 

[jenoentry]

good evening little gay addy 😊 i am here to read about fave boy ever LETS GO

first of all i can’t fucking believe you finished this genuinely thought id be dead before you’d publish sumn on tumblr 🏃‍♂️

OKAY BUT ??? UR FIRST DEPICTION OF RUTO ITS SO VIVID ITS LIKE I CAN SEE HIS FINE ASS RIGHT IN FROMT OF ME FAILING CLASS because all idols are illiterate i said what i said

NOOOOO EVERYONE HATING ON HIM FOR NO REASON don’t be shy little man come talk to me 😊😊😊 i won’t bite 😊😊😊😊

addy hes already so CUTEEEEE LEANING FORWARD TO TALK TO ME HAVE A CONVO IM GONNA KISS HIM .

ALSO THERES NO WAY THERES NOT A DOUBLE MEANING TO THIS I KNOW U LIKE ME RUTO 👁👁👁👁👁👁

addy this is literally the cutest fucking paragraph ever written in the history of literature I’m gonna fucking KILL U DIE NOW IMMEDIATELY .

MWHAT THE FUCK 😭😭😭😭HIS THEME WAS BEAUTIFUL 😭😭😭😭 AND THAYS WHY HE WAS TAKING PICTURES OF ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭 IM LITERALLY COMMITTING RESET CHARACTER IM SO SICK

omg I’m so yn I’ve never had sushi either it’s ok ruto u can burn down my house and kiss me to make up for it 😊😊😊😊

HELLO NOW WERE DEPRESSED ???? WAIT FUCK NOW WE MADE SUSHI FOR HIM???? if he doesn’t kiss us FR I’m gonna exit this fic

I’m gonna fucking throw up IM GONNA LITERALLY BARF ALL OVER MY PHONE …. SOMEONE SEDATE ME NOW .

Omg addy u comparing my heart jumbling like a camera going in and out of focus is so GENIUS LIKE THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE YET ITS SO LYRICAL???? Writer of the year

Help he’s singing us to sleep which is so cute but knowing his voice is deeper than the Mariana Trench I would not be finding it so cute 😊

THE FOR E HEAD KK S S …. [ R E S T. ]

I was gonna be so fucked off about him being popular when no one liked him previously ABD THEN U DROP THIS BOMB …… FUCK ….. OH MY GOD …

UES YOU FO MY MAN MY GOD U HAVE EYES ONLY FOR ME …. ONLY FOR ME U HAVE EYEE FOR !,;£!3’e

y o I ….. u chant writ e w this … z YOU CANT JUSYS WRIT E THIS AND EXPECT ME TO BE OLAU ….

OH YM

GOD WE KISSED HIS FUCKIGN CHE EL

OH YM GOD HE TOLF US TO STFU SO TRUE !!!!! SO GUFKING TRUE NEVER OPENING MY MOUTH AGAIN

OH MY GIFKCIG YORLEKSE HE EUCICONEE LAISSED FHCKKD G KISSED ME OVE RRO;£:££:£:&3&3@33’3’3. GO D ITS ME ITS ME AHAIN ONCE MORE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Reciprocated …. I’m so fucking embarrassed this mf knew the entire time 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️💨💨💨

FUCK WERE FALLING AND HES LANDED ON TOP OF ME ….. 😁

Why are they so fucking cute I’m so fucking upset 😭😭😭

The confessions …. I’m literally so mentally unstable because of this fic THIS IS UR FAULT ADDY FIRST U FUCKING GET ME INTO RUTO AND ALL THAT TREASURE SHIT AND TJIS FIC ….. IM SO FUCKING DEPRESSED THE EYES FOR YOU MAKING ANOTHER ENTRY IS SO BESUTIFUL ITS LIKE EVERUTHING IS COMING BACK TOGETHER HIM CLIMBING THAT STUPID TREE AGAIN 😭😭😭😭 AND OPENLY CALLING ME BEUATIFUL 😭😭😭😭😭 KYS KYS KYS NOWWWWW IVE HAD ENUFF OF U ADDY

just ended the fic I literally want to die now my heart HURTS ITS GONE IN AND OUT OF FUCKING FOCUS THANKS A LOT DICKHEAD 😭😭😭😭😭😭 but FR addy this was so fucking BESUTIFUL u know I never fucking read fluff much (because I’m h word 🥶) but this had me HOOKED INVESTED the soft characterisation of ruto was so nuanced and LOVELY to read AND THEIR SLOW RELATIONSHIP BUILDING 😭😭💔💝💝💝💝💝😭😭😭😭💔💔💝💝😭😭 SO FUCKING TRUE IM SO IN LOVE

eyes for you

Despite his outwardly cold appearance, Watanabe Haruto is perhaps the sweetest boy in all of existence, and as you come to know him you realize your feelings for him may exceed friendship. What you don’t realize is just how romantically he means it when he tells you he only has eyes for you.

PAIRING : watanabe haruto x gn!reader

GENRES : fluff, crack, slight angst according to readers but i swear it’s worth it, high school au, strangers to friends to lovers au

WORD COUNT : 5,342

WARNINGS : profanity, this whole fic is kinda narrative in the beginning with only bits of dialogue until the end

PLAYLIST : be with me - treasure / ミズキリ- yuuri / darari - treasure / i love you (piano ver.) - treasure / daphné - amir / o sole mio - iz*one

TAGLIST : @soobin-chois​ @beomsun​​

A/N : hello!! this is a fic i had been writing in 2020 and decided to rewrite + add the ending LMAO but i love ruto sm and whoever’s reading this i rlly hope that this could bring a smile to your face! thank you sm to the loml jaymin simp alice (@hyuckworld @tyonfs @jayflrt @jaytendo @juunnies @jjacob @iinnie @shuaflix @chromekook @addysucks) for making my banner and for motivating + helping me in general! LMFAOO SORRY but ily liceypoo truly 

WATANABE HARUTO FASCINATES YOU.

You can’t pinpoint what exactly it is about him that intrigues you so, whether it’s the way in which he shyly dips his head upon entering your Photography classroom, or the way he clasps his hands together in order to make his shaking fingers less apparent. Whatever it is, you know right at that moment that there’s something about his aura that draws you in, even as he stumbles over his words when he introduces himself as the new foreign exchange student from Japan. (You decide that maybe, just maybe, you find him a tiny bit cute.)

Keep reading

[bushdivingbushranger]

i agree with the "theres no ethical consumption under capitalism" bs cause there absolutely is but youre not only lazy but lack any kind of moral to accept it and instead spread brainless quotes like a parrot anyway idk why im upset cause i an avid consumer that should shut up but at least i acknowledge that im a piece of trash and its all product of my choices

PS please tell us about the the time you though you were being tested yo be the next jesus or something <3

so long as youre not doing like $500 shein hauls every other week i dont think ur trash. but yeah it absolutely enrages me to see ppl say that and not try at all to be ethical w their consumption like its virtue signalling and it is such ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway the preface to me thinking that i was being tested to be god's prophet is that i was slightly mentally unstable i think so. under the cut bc its embarrassing. I will sound insane udner the cut but i promise i am sane i was just raised with like the most insane parts of religion

this happened probably around the age of 12-16/17 when i was trying to turn back 2 god due to my sexuality. like it was a bunch of coincidences after each other that lead me to the conclusion that god was giving me the power to predict the future. for example when i was 12 my dad called home and before my mum even picked up the phone i was like 'my grandpa died' and he did, and then like 3 months later i predicted another death bc i just got this feeling randomly in the middle of the school day that my adoptive 'grandpa' (not rlly a grandpa but like a grandpa figure since i grew up around a bunch of old ppl) was going to die and he died the next day. i had a nightmare that wasn't even specifically about anything it was just me in a dark room with this terrible sense of foreboding and a clock ticking and ticking and the next day i saw the news abt the paris attacks so i thought i predicted that. two yrs later just had this terrible feeling and i was begging my mum not to take me to school bc i was just convinced something terrible was going to happen and literally a few minutes later we heard abt the manchester bombing so. i didnt tell anyone bc i was so stressed bc i was like no one will believe me and i was like god give me a sign that this is real and im not insane and like 3/5 times id ask for a sign which would be like make the wind blow or something and obviously bc wind blows all the time and my timing is terrible the wind would blow and id be like. ok. fuck. that one doesnt count. anyway fast forward like a year i decided 2 try and be more normal abt my sexuality and then terrible shit just KEPT happening to me like punishment, this lgbt page i used to admin on ig when i was like 14 at the exact same time as i was messaging one of my friends and coming out to her via IG bc she moved schools, started messaging ME being like i know what you are (obvi just to scare me) but i was freaked the fuck out!!! and i just had the absolute worst 2018. anyway eventually late 2019 came around, i tried turning 2 god again and tried to practice selflessness and stuff bc honestly i was also motivated by the fact that i hadn't had any predictions. so i made a prediction (still got it on my phone) that '(friend) will have a boyfriend by the end of the year' and she got one like the next month even though they broke up like three weeks later. but i was still asking for signs so one day im in the car while my dad is driving and i have two lollies, one strawberry flavoured (our shared fav) and one like watermelon or smthn. so bc i am still on the 'i am going to try and be selfless for god' train i give my dad the strawberry one and then when i look down at my hand the one i thought was watermelon was also strawberry so i was CONVINCED as a reward god turned my watermelon lolly into strawberry. obviously that didnt happen and i mustve misread the wrapper i thought was watermelon or something. anyway december came around, i graduated, i decided 2 test my prediction skills again because i was beginning 2 get cocky about being god's chosen one and so i texted my friend that good news was coming to her tomorrow and i was right bc her parents told her the next day they were getting her a laptop for uni. so. anyway. this all happened whilst i was still identifying as an atheist (i am an athiest now properly BGBSAKDG) so. i did make another prediction also in september 2019 that a 'structure would crumble' and that didnt come true DASGSADG thankfully.

[forsvtmx]

Seventeen's Hip Hop unit's trauma analysis

Okay so as I was watching trauma for the umpteenth time, I was reminded of something. Herman's stages of trauma recovery.

Disclaimer: this is just something the visuals of the music video reminded me of, this is in no way canon ofc and I literally am just going by what I believe. And also I'm not an actual psychologist so.

Okay, so, if you're not familiar with Herman's stages of trauma recovery, you're about to be lol. There are three stages of recovery, but some also include things like ptsd as a fourth stage, or even split the stages up into sub stages. My 'theory' is that the boys and their rooms represent the three stages (and ptsd). I ended up finding that they weren't in total order though.

The first stage is Safety and Stabilization. This is Vernon and the sand/fan room. This stage is all about getting used to the fact that trauma happened. It's about finding coping mechanisms, ways to control your 'triggers', and stability. This is represented in the video by the sand. The sand is unstable and being blown away by the many fans in the room, finding stability is difficult. It takes a long time to finally begin the road to recovery. That's also why Vernon is seen sitting in a corner away from the pile, sometimes you give up because it's tiring to try and find safety and comfort.

Next is Remembrance and Mourning. This is Mingyu and the ropes/strings. This stage is about getting to the roots of the problems, remembering all of the trauma, and mourning for things that won't happen now because of what happened. This search for problems is represented but the tangle of the ropes/string. While trying to speak of the problems and trying to remember the trauma, things get tangled together as you try to unwind them. Mingyu seems tired, helpless, which are associated with this stage. The search for a solution includes trying to sort out your problems.

The third stage is Reconnection and Intergration. This is Seungcheol and the bedroom with holes in the ceiling. This stage is about trying to make your way back into society and normal life. The trauma should have no power over you (in their case it does) and you should be able to live again. This is represented by the fact that Seungcheol is in a seemingly normal bedroom with a window in front of him. It represents trying to be normal. However, this isn't always so easy, feelings of nervous and fear may linger, thus why he's inside, trapped, safe, hidden. He can see the outside world through the window, but he can't actually go outside. There are holes in the ceiling like when you have an animal in a box, to let them breathe. Seungcheol is still trapped in the trauma, but he can breathe and see the outside.

The last part of trauma recovery is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is Wonwoo. PTSD is a disorder where an individual suffers from anxiety and depression because of failure to cope with a traumatic event. Wonwoo is left alone in a room with nothing but a chair, nothing is there to upset him, but he's angry, he kicks the air and looks frustrated. He is the final 'stage' of trauma recovery, failure. He's left alone to his thoughts, but still he can't recover.

Okay now for the other scenes, this is a lightning round because I have school in a couple hours and I'm in bed. Okay so im going to do chromatic order in which they appear. First, the Vernon scene with the mattress. This is an allusion to the Princess in the Pea. It represents trying to learn to deal with the discomfort of the trauma. It also represents how something small can affect you.

Mirror room is representative of how you have to self reflect through the recovery process in order to continue. There's a quick glimpse at the scene with the four boys on the cube. This represents how the four stages work together and how they are in correlation with each other. Wonwoo and Mingyu being tied together represent how their stages are tied together. PTSD is repated to the stage where you have to look back on the trauma in the first place (second place?) in order to recover. If this isn't done well it can lead to ptsd. Seungcheol is alone and looks to the camera to represent how alone you feel during his final stage, especially if you fail to return to society. The ropes tying mingyu and Vernon again represent correlation to one another. You have to feel safe, the walking on the ropes, in order to look back on the trauma. Wonwoo with the umbrella is representative of how ptsd 'shelters' you of the trauma but how in reality it's all smoke and mirrors, and it still hurts and you're still not okay.

Okay that's all I think. I would have included a lyric analysis and shit but I have school in half an hour and I'm nOT DRESSED GOT TO BLAST.

[chasing-rabbits]

Looking through your blog I can’t find any pro vegan posts...

Uh? I am a vegan blog....I dont know what you mean by pro vegan I would argue most of my posts are pro vegan? What specific posts did you have in mind to classify as pro vegan?I am sorry am I getting attacked here for not being a big enough advocate on my own damn blog? Okay first off this blog was made whenever like a year or more ago and was left dormant for awhile if you go into my archive you’ll see I didnt post regularly recently I’ve started using it again. During that time I’d gotten a twitter I got into a lot of twitter discussion debates and outright arguments defending veganism and being ‘pro vegan’ as you put it.It drained the fuck out of me it made me angry and feel sad and disheartened at how people had no empathy so if you mean you can’t see me arguing with carnists on a daily basis on this blog then no you will not find any arguing on this blog or you’ll find minimal amounts of it.Honestly this blog is my nice place to talk to OTHER vegans okay. I dont particularly want to engage with trolls because a majority of people on here who want to scour the vegan tags that aren’t vegan are trolls who just wanna shit on us just like the dude on twitter mid january who posted a picture of a pig and then mhhm bacon underneath the image in the veganuary tags who I DID call out and so on bcos that pissed me the fuck off.I’m sorry that I am not vegan enough for you anon but you know that is life. Now if you want to see what I consider pro vegan then it’d be me reblogging posts about vegan foods vegan nutrition vegan statistics about stuff.I do not reblog gore or upsetting images no because MY mental health cannot handle that and tbh it doesn’t really do much online at least to shock someone into going vegan because unlike on the street you cant really have a heartfelt conversation about what they’ve just seen on the monitors behind them its more just someone scrolling along and getting angry and us just getting mostly ignored because people act online ruder and louder than they would in public so they react with that typical anger when their cognitive dissonance is broken they aren’t likely to do that in the street in front of everyone they’ll be more civil and listen and then hopefully see past the anger and change. Now do you mean that I myself do not make a lot of posts? Well yes you’d be right I don’t make a lot of text posts about much of anything if i am honest. I reblog or I upload pictures and things I find on weheartit. But I wasnt aware I had to make the text post for it to be my beliefs and be pro vegan pretty sure if I just reblog something pro vegan that is me also being pro vegan.Also again I really don’t know but this came off as hostile so I am being a bit defensive maybe you are genuinely curious I do not know I’ve just logged on its 6am and the first thing I see on my blog is this message. I don’t get what your issue is? I have reblogged plenty of things about veganism so...I mean most of this blog has vegan posts on it every day im on here posting im reblogging vegan related posts alongside other things like cute cats and mental health stuff. What do you actually expect from my blog then to be considered pro vegan? I was not aware there was a certain check list all vegans had to meet to be considered pro vegan....I mean you are literally talking to a vegan right now whose been one for 5 years 6 this september...So tell me this 5 year long vegan is me being vegan and reblogging vegan posts now not enough does every vegan have to be out on the streets shouting meat is murder to be considered a tru ‘pro vegan’ i dont know I dont quite get the use of your phrase pro vegan because surely me being a vegan is more than pro vegan I AM ONE...so...???I am totally and absolutely confused where this has come from what hornets nest have I angered over night for me to get this anon?Here is some posts on my blog:https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/181887909275/animals-are-sentient-living-beings-who-form-close

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/180652539520/i-have-said-it-once-and-i-shall-say-it-til-i

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/180103502360/shit-carnists-say

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/179940285705/oh-my-god-people-in-the-comments-telling-me-its

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/179941347680/their-pulling-out-all-the-stupidest-anti-vegan

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/179361081260/vegan-logic-preaches-about-compassion-but-also

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/181939488190/carnists-act-like-vegans-are-the-only-ones-eatinghttps://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/188689013555https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/188788223839/acti-veg-it-is-often-said-that-if

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/188810572135

This is just some I found....Enjoy...I feel like you didnt look very hard into my blog did you now.And in before you say these posts are from early last year and before that in 2018 well thats because for the past year I’ve been fighting with PALS and been very mentally unstable whilst being refused treatment stigmatised and even more ive had multiple doctors and specialist appointments because ive been physically sick so I’ve not exactly felt as up to making the posts you can see ive made on this blog prior because my real world life was falling apart and for the first time in 4 years i self harmed again by smashing my head against a brick wall and a fridge and so on so yeah my life irl wasnt great and i didnt want to come on here and also be dealing with idiots so in before you try and mention these posts arent within the last 6 months or so.

[stephhannes]

dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants. 

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’). 

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible. 

and it was exhausting. 

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured. 

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.” 

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby” 

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back. 

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted. 

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever. 

and then we’re back at february 2021. 

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years. 

++

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do. 

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great! 

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities. 

++

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit” 

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something. 

++

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience. 

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability. 

++

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help. 

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable” 

++

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies. 

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying. 

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day). 

++

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable. 

[aitian]

restless in all aspects

February 18, 2017 4:15 AM

Today and yesterday I went to Hershey with mom and Alice for her medical school interview. Honestly I was asleep for most of the trip, and only awake for the late hours at the hotel. Mom says that when I did go to bed, she had to calm me down multiple times during the night. Apparently I also twitch a lot when I’m sleeping.. mom says I need calcium and vitamin D. Honestly I felt like I slept deeply? All I remember dreaming is trying to put my contacts and struggling because the contacts felt harder than usual and my eyes were super dry. Anyway, I’ve wanted to cry for so long and I don’t know how to make it happen anymore (again??).

There’s not a whole lot to be sad about. I skipped school to go to Hershey but it just stressed me out even more tbh. I did so badly on the last physics test, I can’t even bear to check my grades. Also I don’t have a good feeling about the english essay I just turned in. That’s not so great, but I don’t think I should be this messed up over it????? idk I’ve just been feeling bad recently. 

Ocean Bowl was so fun :’) we did way better than I thought we would, and won a trip to some ecology/biodiversity tour idk I haven’t really looked it up. I also won two gold keys in scholastic which was exciting. They weren’t things that I was proud of, but I guess you never know what others will like. After I got back it was just not a great time. I’m so mad at myself for feeling bad because its literally just that physics test that I did horribly on thats dragging me down. Yesterday and today I’ve been feeling vaguely panicked for no reason and I want it to stop!! I’m ok!!! Or at least I can/should be, like having this anxiety isn’t helping me in any way!!!!!!

I stopped going to therapy after the third session because I realized I don’t want to talk about any of my problems. That sounds bad, but I really don’t. There’s no real change to be enacted upon my life other than medication, and I feel like I would have to be truthful about gender identity and mental illness to do that. I want to talk to mom first but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know what I’m waiting for?? Maybe sometime in the middle of the night when its super dark in my room and mom knows I’m upset I can just blurt it out and then she’ll leave me alone to think about it and everything will be fine in the morning??? yeah right. 

If things keep progressing in this way, I feel like I’m going to start losing hair again. SAT’s are quickly approaching and I just want to feel good and do well T.T 

STRESSED

Today when I got back from art Megan and Eilene wanted to hang out so we went to Megan’s house and played that shitty trivial pursuit game and I had such a bad time. After like 45 minutes of me being visibly (and audibly) distressed over the fact that we were playing that shit, Megan asked if I wanted to so something else -_- like too late binch?? I told Eilene too that I wanted/needed to work on my art but I didn’t mind hanging out for a while but then they went and pulled that shit again when I made it very clear that I didn’t want to play. Anyway I still haven’t made any progress on my art. I guess I’m just mad that neither of them take me seriously enough to consider what I want unless I make it a problem. I really just wanted to have a good time but that shit just gets on my nerves and we cant even talk about anything when we’re busy guessing random words to a trivia game that none of us know any answers to. 

This whole week has just been so off for me. I tried really hard I really did but it started out with skipping band and arriving at physics to review my embarrassingly bad grade for a whole period. My head is starting to hurt and I have to wake up at a sort of reasonable time tomorrow to work on science olympiad and an english project with Lauren. ughh

I just feel so unwanted all of the time. I’m just here as a prop in the lives of everyone else around me. I know that’s not true, but it sure feels like it all the damn time. I stay after school to help a friend with their debate case so they can win the next competition. I go to hershey with mom and Alice so they can all have a good time and Alice can happily get into med school. I sit on the floor while Eilene and Megan guess at random trivia for an hour while my own work is waiting for me at home because I’m so stupid to make good decisions for myself. I wait for rei to watch tv together for the whole day only for him to cancel at 11. 

It’s not even a personal thing most of the time. Just being around white people and white media really wears me down sometimes. Asian people are just props in the lives of the rainbow of whites and blacks and everything in between. We’re the loyal sidekicks, the simpletons, the nerds, the third or fourth hottest girl, the pieces of the puzzle that everyone else easily pushes around in their game boards. We have no strong modern identity or establishment in any part of society. Even within this unstable foundation, I’m othered in a whole other way by gender roles. Cemented repeatedly through patriarchal tradition, western colonization, and modern objectification, I am treated over and over as just an object or an image. I don’t deserve to be respected as a human in the eyes of most. They can pledge their support, but their words are meaningless and uneducated. I’m still an object with the sole purpose of enriching their sense of morality and ego. 

anyway, im h9 myself and going to bed