#and it's really..... frustrating........... and disheartening
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I am experiencing... frustration.
#monster noises#why must the ideas you can see the clearest in your head be the hardest to capture?#I'm trying to make a new phone lock screen#(currently I'm using the drawing of laz and heis on the motorcycle and while I looove that image it's been there for a few years now)#and I have a very Precise Idea of what I want it to be#in the same style as I did my FaHI playlist cover#but I can't seem to get the thumbnail looking in anyway Correct#and it's really..... frustrating........... and disheartening#then when I try and like actually figure out what I need to Fix it's like my brain blanks out and I"m stumbling around completely clueless#and then I just start uselessly spiraling and just AUGH#why can't I have the kind of brain that hits a barrier and proceeds to problem-solve?#why do I have to have a brain that hits a barrier and just.. rolls over in defeat#not even a tantrum or a breakdown#just#0 resistance laying down and giving up#it's stupid and I'm mad about it but I still don't know what to do about it at all#I wish I could explain it in a way that would allow someone to maybe be able to help me actually#cause it seems every time I try there's always some fundamental misunderstanding about Which Step In The Process Is Challenging#like that one time I tried asking about it on twitter#asking if anyone had resources for How to be better at learning from and interpreting references/doing studies#or just learning for art purposes in general (in a way that won't cause me to Break Down)#and people linked a bunch of how-to's on how to Draw from Reference#and I know those /Sound/ like the same thing but they arrrrren't#and I know those people's heart's were in a good place but I know How to use a reference#I know How to do a life drawing or a study#I get it on a practical level#but there is something fundamental to the process of interpreting and understanding what exactly I'm doing that I just...#Don't Have#and That's really really Really hard to explain#it's like how I'm actually good at math I just can't do word problems because I can't glean what is required of me from a word problem.
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My 2024 AO3 stats
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/89cbf410974aa7892e8bfe74310216da/88a748b0921b18b9-a6/s540x810/4eaf7844ac62ce5a4f5c4c70305106637f8e4522.jpg)
If anyone wonders why fic writers get so burnt out and disenchanted with writing, just take a look at that hit/kudos/comment ratio…
Blank template for anyone who wants it:
#call of duty#cod#ao3#ao3 writer#2024 ao3 wrapped#sorry for being kinda salty but like#idk it gets frustrating and really disheartening#I don’t do it for the numbers but I /do/ do it for the community and engagement#which means readers actually need to engage and shit
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Shout out to the people who ordered my silly conclave stickers (I love you mwah) enjoy the random doodles I’ve been putting on the thank you notes.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/670fc37e541b791d23157830f2621cd5/066f7b9c823d648a-90/s540x810/66c94c9491f73ed2a79df1e93f02f3934ccc12ca.jpg)
You too can own tedesco vaping or perhaps something even sillier if you get some conclave stickers. Who knows.. maybe if you put a little doodle request in the order notes I’ll draw it on a separate sheet 🤭
#nah but seriously you guys- if you placed an order I am forever eternally grateful#Etsy sucks and it’s been really disheartening and frustrating to completely start over#I was about to hit 500 sales on my old shop before Etsy swooped in and said no#the fact that you guys like these stickers and are ordering them- has brought me a small bit of comfort and joy#during what has been a very hard month for me#anyway yeah hot girls (tedesco) hit the pen in the Vatican#conclave 2024#conclave movie#ralph fiennes#conclave#catholic priest#conclave fanart#stanley tucci#the pope
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….
#not that anything really matters or means anything on this hell site#but I am trying very hard to remind myself that notes on a post don’t really mean anything in the long run#because everything I’ve posted in the last month or so has been an absolute flop 🙃#and if I don’t keep telling myself that notes are not a signifier of worth I will get really upset lol 🥲#I don’t know if like my blog is shadowbanned (which is probably unlikely) or if my posts just aren’t good??#but like it’s a struggle just to get over 100 notes on anything lately#and again like such a dumb thing to be upset or frustrated about#but idk as someone who makes content I don’t know what I’m doing that’s making everything flop lately#and no matter how much I try to talk myself out of being upset it’s still kinda disheartening to have your content not do well 🫠#idk this is dumb and I don’t like how it makes me feel#and I like making content and doing things that make me feel good and pretty#but I would also like that content to do well too 😅#okay ramble over#ignore this#mine#text post
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My favorite thing tumblr does is when it hides all of my most important art(and other posts) from my organizational tags. Like wow thank you. So glad I can easily find a random sketch I once posted, and not the art I spent hours on. Sick. Thank you.
#a lot of them are hidden for some reason#but notably#the one i just posted today which is very silly and fun#the anniversary art i spent literally a month on#the grid boy stuff from last week#and i think maybe my favorite matador art?#WHAT THE FUCK#why do you blacklist all the pieces i want people to see most of all???????#its really frustrating and disheartening#of course people still see it on the first day and due to reblogs(TY!!!)#but anytime after the fact its just lost to time#it makes me very sad :(#some gifposts have that fate too just not in my tags at all#catie.rambling.txt
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WHY did I fuckin forget to upload this dear god help me . anyway someone let these fuckers be happy they make me so miserable (/pos) I know the song isnt 100% accurate but I Needed this you do not Understand
#scissor seven#killer seven#wu liuqi#seven#edit#scissor 7#fun fact im hispanic but by god I cant speak spanish#so I'm sure theres typos i missed but it is what it is#cant wait to put these on tiktok /s#i am so frustrated with posting on tiktok but#it's like the one other place i have left i can share these publically#cause i really want to but it's like disheartening when tiktok goes SO FAR to kill my quality#imagine exporting and uploading in 4k and the quality STILL fucking dies I hate this app
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😶🌫️
#have yall forgotten how to use tumblr or.#i hate hate HATE complaining but out of 500 notes there are three reblogs with tags like am i going crazy why does nobody say anything#did yall hate the fic or what. bc thats the vibe im getting#im not gonna leave tumblr but i really see why ppl do bc its so disheartening#genuinely i am talking to a brick wall#it really makes me want to not put in the effort to write anymore if no one is gonna say anything to my face#sorry for the vent post but im just frustrated#idk if its my fault or tumblrs fault or no ones fault but#like idk what else to do other than beg ppl to interact. and its not just readers i am fully shaming other authors bc you KNOW how bad it is#and you still refuse to read your friends work#how can you call urself mutuals if you never fucking reblog from each other#its so fake and toxic and im sick of it sorry#im not here to cause drama and i know i sound like a whiny bitch but jesus christ you guys
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Thinking about finally throwing all my FF7 meta analysis and lore deep dive stuff onto a sideblog. It'd be reblogged from here, but I'd be able to organize it a little better, have a directory so people could find things more easily, and maybe it'd stop people from regurgitating things I say word-for-word for brownie points when they can just find and reblog the fucking original post(s).
#fandom vent#this happens WAY more often than I talk about#like constantly#not daily#but if I put up a ramble#there will always be 2-3 people on the twits or here#who immediately start saying the same thing#in the same words#acting like they're the ones that did the analysis#and it's really frustrating#y'all know I actually do research on this shit?#I check my sources#I review the source material#I get alternate translations to be sure#I read real-life research journals for scientific stuff#I research dates and real-world events and natural phenomena and religious history etc etc etc#it's not just 'nashi writes 2k words of bullshit and hits POST'#I do actual research for my analyses and my deep dives#I cite my sources whenever possible#I don't LINK all the time because that can kick a post from the tags#but I don't just make shit up#so people grabbing it and running with it as if they were the ones that did the work to figure it out#is super disheartening#my current big research project is figuring out if Reeve's surname#is actually rooted in Gaelic#because it's such a weird name#and it's possible that it's not spelled right#because it may be Gaelic#this is a theory that has not panned out yet#but I've been researching it on and off for weeks
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i feel like i can relate a lot to Kieran from the Pokemon SV DLC but i feel like NOBODY understands his character correctly
#like there's a lot of stuff i noticed#and people will say like ohh he's on his evil arc#but i wouldn't call him evil#and i caught onto his character immediately. and as someone with anxiety and hyperfixations of my own like how he seems to have with ogerpo#and how anxious he seems to be#having similar struggles to my own#it's sort of disheartening to see him perceived differently#it was frustrating enough in a meta sort of way that people in the GAME didn't understand kieran#or what he's going through#but then people irl actually do it HEJGKRFG#i cannot start rambling about this LMAOO#idk. this kinda makes me sad#sock talk#pokemon sv#just my opinion really but. idk
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biggest L of lorelune is for sure the diluc fic 😔 oh beloved one day i'll work on you again
#i have never put so much time and effort into a piece of writing in my life#and it was fun!! and frustrating to craft#many nights riffing w cielo and mao to work out the dynamic and plot and details#and sadly :'''^) i started posting it last summer as my life began to hit the fan#and the fic didn't get too much traction which is like? functionally fine#i do not write for notes or anything but it was however a lil disheartening#i got a nasty comment on it right away which also like#really soured things!!#and sadly the horrors nuked my memory#so i can't remember a lot of the finer details of the plot#i'd like revisit it at some point but for now it is a sore spot#lore loops
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So.
Washed the pants for the Monokuma cosplay.
Was concerned about bleed - even though that didn't happen the first time I washed them - so turned them inside out. Figured this would keep ink from the legs from bleeding on anything else.
Which. was true.
Did not think about where the black part would be up against the white part.
So.
The bleed isn't too much. The back...looks...less great than it did.
Threw them back in the washer rightside out to see if that will get it out.
...it might make it worse.
-sighs-
#musings#the monokuma cosplay project#i will be#very upset#if i have ruined the pants#because like yes i can use the tips y'all gave me to make new and possibly better ones#but#it's really#frustrating#and disheartening#-sighs-
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tried to do some writing but i got all of like three sentences out before i got frustrated and gave up, so 🤷
#I'm feeling just. so down lmao#I was already not doing great but that dr appointment on sunday really kicked me while I was down ig#so frustrated and disheartened and stuck under this crushing hopelessness/pointlessness of it all#gonna just. have a drink & maybe play some dbd or ow or smth#not the best coping mechanism I know but it's what I've got rn. it lightens the burden a little for the night.#love y'all. sorry again for all the nothing I've written lately. I appreciate y'all sfm for sticking around#and even giving my kids over here a chance despite how impossibly slow I am with byan's threads#hell I'm grateful that you all even gave byan a chance too#just. yeah. I'm lurking. hope everyone has a nice night 💜💜💜#♡ ⁄ 𝙾𝙾𝙲#personal cw#alcohol cw#idk ask to tag ig bc this whole post is just depressing & I'm sorry about that adjgksh
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did the old tumblr live toggle actually work for yall? mine literally never has lmao
#on a more serious note. ive said before but it really is so disheartening how much this site is going to shit#saw a comment that said staff was like ''changes will continue until revenue improves'' which i dont know if is 100% legit but#I'D certainly believe it. and in which case. god if that isn't the darkest death knell possible.#esp. for me bc like. this is the only social media site ive ever really used#it has such a unique layout and i really enjoy working with it for what it is#most of the stuff i make is made to be posted On Tumblr and doesn't really work anywhere else#like wrt to how i format comics and writing for here [and askblogs formerly :p]#like yeah i could migrate and yeah i could figure out other ways to present stuff but i don't want to! i like doing it like this!#and then theres the whole losing audience thing or whatever like fine. irritating sure but ultimately does not matter i'll still make stuff#it's mostly just frustrating bc this year has been the best i've made use of tumblr formatting and most ive enjoyed doing so#and strongest it's been received!...all while continually falling apart around itself#like RIGHT as i hit my stride you know. if i was already past my prime with it it'd still be annoying but whatever its bound to happen#but like right now!!!! come on dude.#bweeeaaahh
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Today's NSR Trivia: Birth Months
Most of the main cast have semi-canon birth months.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/ae6e8dda88c21100ca68b5b0db2f6d2b/e838116bf3af472a-b9/s540x810/38e8dfb6387061ae6dfd7adb5e65ba246ac1ec1d.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/5e7a56c2957d7c37a3dcf59118e61460/e838116bf3af472a-32/s540x810/1789a3511167636cca519c95dc733dc99d7c5140.jpg)
(source)
I say "semi-canon" because the post doesn't clarify if these are actually the birth months of each character or if they were chosen based on other factors. For example, Eve being the representative of June would imply that she's likely a Gemini, aka the Twins, which could be a reference to her duality theme.
However, Mayday's canonical birthday is May 1st, which is reflected in this upload, so it's plausible that the rest are canon too.
Just for fun, under the cut is what their zodiac signs are most likely to be + some speculation about why each character was chosen to represent their respective months.
Neon J. - Capricorn (The Goat)
Often considered dependable and hardworking. They're usually considered the most responsible of the signs, so I tend to see them stereotyped as managers and CEOs, which would fit into his role of being 1010's literal manager. Interestingly, despite being an earth sign, Capricorn is actually a sea-goat, so it could also reference him being in the navy.
Edit: It completely flew over my head that Capricorn is the 10th zodiac sign. So he's probably a Capricorn just to go with his general '10' theming.
Zuke - Aquarius (The Water Bearer)
Usually characterized as free thinking and innovative. They also tend to be very independent and aloof, which would fit into Zuke's "chill dude" image. Alongside that, Aquariuses are also very quirky, so Zuke having an appreciation for art and the avant-garde may be why he was chosen for this sign. And I dunno, the urn represents a toilet or something.
DK West - Pisces (The Fish)
This one is a lot less clear to me. Pisces are usually sensitive and empathetic, which runs counter to how DK West bottles up his emotions and puts up a wall between his loved ones. I feel like if Mayday wasn't already the representative of May, then DK West would have taken May, so he'd represent Taurus, the Bull. That aside, despite him hiding it, he does reveal that he's actually pretty vulnerable and emotional beneath all his bravado, so maybe it fits more than I'm giving them credit for.
Tatiana - Aries (The Ram)
Aries is the first fire sign, so they're characterized as having a fiery personality, making that association pretty obvious. They're said to be hard-headed but head strong, which would fit into her character as being very stubborn and willing to fight her own battles. Aries is also the first sign of the zodiac cycle, so they tend to be stereotyped as being natural-born leaders, which suits Tatiana as the boss of NSR. Additionally being the first, Aries rules over the head and face, and Tatiana is literally described as the head of NSR. It could also be that this sign just so happens to be before Mayday's sign, Taurus. So she literally precedes Mayday both in life and the zodiac.
Mayday - Taurus (The Bull)
Unlike other characters, it's pretty clear that Mayday was chosen for May because her name is literally Mayday, and it's her actual birthday rather than her personality. But I'll try to make it fit anyway~ Tauruses are another stubborn sign (as fixed signs tend to be). The other stereotypes of Taurus being materialistic and pleasure seeking just don't represent Mayday well in my opinion. Though, I suppose Taurus's simple and straightforward nature could represent how Mayday is generally a straightforward kind of person. IMO, I think she would have suited Sagittarius more.
Eve - Gemini (The Twins)
As already discussed, Gemini are the twins, which fit into Eve's themes nicely. While Gemini's are considered the social butterflies of the zodiac, they're not known for being particularly committed to other people. They're often considered the most intelligent of the signs, which can lead to isolation as they find very few people that can keep up with them. In a sense, I suppose that suits Eve having a unique view of the world and feeling isolated because of it. Perhaps coincidentally, Gemini also rules over the hands and arms, an obvious symbol of Eve's. Gemini is also associated with the tarot card of "The Lovers", which has obvious implications about her past.
1010 - Cancer (The Crab)
I'm kinda stretching with 1010. Cancers are usually considered sensitive and emotional. They're the crybabies of the zodiac, which doesn't really seem to fit 1010 that well (unless you want to consider how they literally cry, "Baby.") More than anything, Cancers value "security" and tend to be homebodies, so maybe it references how as navy sailors, their job is to protect and serve their city/country. But it may be as simple as Cancer being a water sign and them being sailors, or the hard shell of the crab represents their hard metal exteriors. Cancer also rules over the breasts, so maybe it's a reference to their tig ol bitties. Its symbol is also literally a 69, so I'm not completely joking about sex appeal as a reason for making them Cancer. But it could be that they were chosen for July less for the zodiac, and more for the fact that it's a summer month, and summer is usually associated with the ocean/beaches to fit with their nautical theme.
Yinu - Leo (The Lion) The most proud and self-centered of the zodiac signs. Yinu being a literal child and stated to have been a little spoiled by Mama, this sign would fit her very well. Also, being a child prodigy has inflated her ego, and Leo is all about the ego. But Leo also rules over the heart. While it's Mama that has the heart motif, I think that just serves to link the two together. Leo is also ruled over by the sun, so it tends to be associated with the colors yellow and orange, which are both very prominent in Yinu's design. You also need the sun to grow plants, so it works out that way too.
DJSS - Virgo (The Virgin)
Virgos are kind of known for being very critical of others, but are also just as critical of themselves, if not more so. They're usually tied with Gemini as being the most intelligent of the signs, which would fit DJSS fairly well. Perhaps ironically, the ruling planet of Virgo is Mercury, the smallest of the planets in our solar system (and not counting the moon or Pluto, which are considered "planets" in astrology), but it's also the planet of communication which would fit DJSS's need to spread his "gospel" across the universe. They might also be trying to say something since his sign is the virgin, but it's unwise to assume...
Sayu - Libra (The Scales)
Libra is one of the most romantic of the signs, which would fit Sayu perfectly. Libra (and Taurus) are ruled by the planet Venus, which is associated with beauty, and Sayu's main gimmick is that she's irresistibly cute. Libra is also the scales, so it may reference how Sayu is actually a balance of ideas between multiple people (or her literal fish scales). I will give them a little credit for not making her a Pisces (even though that one would fit too). It implies that whoever made this graphic was probably thinking about the characteristics of the signs beyond just the symbol they're associated with, which is nice~
Kliff - Scorpio (The Scorpion)
Scorpio is often (unfairly) stereotyped as the most "evil" sign, which of course references his role as antagonist. They never let go of their grudges, but they're known to be incredibly passionate and seductive, which would reflect his passion for rock and how he manipulated B2J to continue the revolution. Scorpio is also a water sign, which are associated with being in tune with their emotions. This could reflect on Kliff's antagonism being fueled by his emotions, as opposed to any real logic.
Mama - Sagittarius (The Archer)
This is another one where I think the connection is very weak, or was possibly another "left-over" sign. I generally associate Sagittariuses as being thrill seeking and highly extroverted. Though they can be wise, they also tend to be fairly reckless. It's almost the opposite of how Mama is characterized as being overly protective of Yinu and being defined by both her love for her family and the anger she experiences when it's threatened. I suppose it could be argued that she starts becoming reckless as she loses her composure, but that seems to be the result of anger rather than real spontaneity. Or maybe she was chosen for December less for the zodiac and more for what the actual month entails. December is the first month of winter, when all the trees should have already shed their leaves and/or died. Since Mama's big form resembles a dying tree, maybe that's why she was chosen for December. I dunno. I really tried to make it work, but I really think hers was an afterthought.
#gbunny writes#nsr#no straight roads#most of my speculation comes from how i used to be really obsessed with astrology and stuff#in fact i had a set of 12 characters based on the zodiac that i called the 'star kids' way way back in the day#so most of what i'm saying about that comes from what i remember writing about them#why am i posting about this now? well i recently remembered that this tweet existed#and wanted to do a series of doodles based on it#will i actually do it? probably not.#i've been so frustrated with my art lately and it's disheartened me#i literally almost threw my pen in frustration today. nothing looks right. i'm not where i should be at all#and it's hurting me.#i usually say i'll eventually get over these emotional slumps#but i don't know about this one buckos#giving up seems like the best option right now
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Got my end of the month burst of motivation to get my shit together and did 10 push ups
#horse.txt#and some squats and some stretches. but wow those pushups did me in#funfact last time i weighed myself i was actually Under 100 lbs! one of the most disheartening things#'you never go out you dont have any friends why dont you ever go out to meet people??' i could be stuffed in a bag and carried away on foot#i am like flat stanley. i could be blown away by a stiff breeze. and i also just dont have a large appetite?#funfact 2 one of my biggest insecurities is that when i order small portions of food or salads that ppl will think im dieting or have an ED#neither of which are necessarily a Bad thing but ppl do sometimes start to. treat you certain ways over it#either theyre the woke type who start looking at you all pitiful or they start griping to you about their own weight problems in some way#worse in the rare blue moon where ppl with ask me how i stay so skinny. bitch i have adhd i forget to eat Constantly. im starving#its on accident but shit i cant just say that to ppl lol so its always just 'haha my metabolism 🤪' which they sometimes STILL DONT ACCEPT?#LIKE AS AN ANSWER? THEY'LL JUST ASK AGAIN LIKE IM KEEPING IT A SECRET??#vent //#not really it kinda came out of nowhere honestly#sigh#very frustrated with myself lately in case yall haven't noticed!#god i need to get laid
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“why did this set suddenly stop getting notes at a really low number” and then it’s because only 7.4% of the notes are reblogs.
#that amounted to 2 rbs LMAO#it’s frustrating bc i know people are out there!!!!! i see sets regularly break 1k!!!! but ppl only like the funny quirky ones#well the other sets are worth y’all’s time too i mean we all love the same shit!!!! don’t you like the whole show / game???#(or at least all the good parts)#i’m just confused atp bc my bg3 sets often have trouble breaking 100 notes and it’s disheartening#bc it makes me think that the whole fandom is really superficial and then makes me not want to interact w ppl who like the game#rambling
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