#and it's really..... frustrating........... and disheartening
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I'm sorry to see that AO3 writers are struggling because of AI scraping. It's so frustrating. AI is destroying my industry and will probably eliminate my job within the next few years, if not sooner. Maybe one day I'll do a longer post about that, but for now: yeah. AI (specifically generative AI) is fucking terrible for so many reasons.
And if it makes you feel like you don't want to create because things will just be stolen, I get that. You have to do what's best for your peace of mind. But if it helps - I'm so happy to see that so many people hate having AI shoved down their throats. Being pushed to use it at my job (essentially training my replacement) is disheartening, but there are still so many people that want real art done by real people. That appreciate the love and sweat and tears and don't just think of art as a consumable product.
I've pretty much accepted that my career as I know it is over, and I'm on borrowed time. But that's all the more reason for me to write for my own enjoyment. Maybe there's no market for me as a professional copywriter anymore because AI can write a brochure or whatever, but I write fics because I love writing. No one can take that away from me. Even if they steal my work, they can't take away the fulfillment I experienced from writing it, or the way it touched the people who read it.
So all of this is to say, if you feel depressed by AI, I 100% get it. But real art, made by humans, still has a place. And giving up creativity because we think there's no point only leaves our own personal lives emptier and less interesting. I don't know if we can fight the machine, I really don't. But it sure as fuck doesn't make what you do worthless. I don't think human creativity can ever be extinguished, because as long as we have feelings, we'll make art to express them. Whether it's on AO3 or somewhere else, please don't give up. What you create still matters to me and to a lot of other people like me.
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I am experiencing... frustration.
#monster noises#why must the ideas you can see the clearest in your head be the hardest to capture?#I'm trying to make a new phone lock screen#(currently I'm using the drawing of laz and heis on the motorcycle and while I looove that image it's been there for a few years now)#and I have a very Precise Idea of what I want it to be#in the same style as I did my FaHI playlist cover#but I can't seem to get the thumbnail looking in anyway Correct#and it's really..... frustrating........... and disheartening#then when I try and like actually figure out what I need to Fix it's like my brain blanks out and I"m stumbling around completely clueless#and then I just start uselessly spiraling and just AUGH#why can't I have the kind of brain that hits a barrier and proceeds to problem-solve?#why do I have to have a brain that hits a barrier and just.. rolls over in defeat#not even a tantrum or a breakdown#just#0 resistance laying down and giving up#it's stupid and I'm mad about it but I still don't know what to do about it at all#I wish I could explain it in a way that would allow someone to maybe be able to help me actually#cause it seems every time I try there's always some fundamental misunderstanding about Which Step In The Process Is Challenging#like that one time I tried asking about it on twitter#asking if anyone had resources for How to be better at learning from and interpreting references/doing studies#or just learning for art purposes in general (in a way that won't cause me to Break Down)#and people linked a bunch of how-to's on how to Draw from Reference#and I know those /Sound/ like the same thing but they arrrrren't#and I know those people's heart's were in a good place but I know How to use a reference#I know How to do a life drawing or a study#I get it on a practical level#but there is something fundamental to the process of interpreting and understanding what exactly I'm doing that I just...#Don't Have#and That's really really Really hard to explain#it's like how I'm actually good at math I just can't do word problems because I can't glean what is required of me from a word problem.
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My favorite thing tumblr does is when it hides all of my most important art(and other posts) from my organizational tags. Like wow thank you. So glad I can easily find a random sketch I once posted, and not the art I spent hours on. Sick. Thank you.
#a lot of them are hidden for some reason#but notably#the one i just posted today which is very silly and fun#the anniversary art i spent literally a month on#the grid boy stuff from last week#and i think maybe my favorite matador art?#WHAT THE FUCK#why do you blacklist all the pieces i want people to see most of all???????#its really frustrating and disheartening#of course people still see it on the first day and due to reblogs(TY!!!)#but anytime after the fact its just lost to time#it makes me very sad :(#some gifposts have that fate too just not in my tags at all#catie.rambling.txt
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isn't lying to one's parents something most teenagers do? why do i feel like literal satan whenever i do it
#melonposting#i haven't told them about the thing on friday. it's not like i've been actively keeping it from them or anything#but i don't really have the natural tendency to tell them about such things even if they probably should know#because i deem it personal#and especially since it's too late for them to get tickets...!#i should tell them. i'm gonna email them. but i feel bad for not having told them before. it's a lie of omission or whatever#as it is i've admitted to my dad that i've lied to him several times because i'm worried he'd get angry at me for the truth#and that frustrated him. he said now he doesn't know whether to trust me whenever i say i've done something he's asked me to#(because that's what the lies are about)#which is fair enough i suppose#it's sort of disheartening though. i don't like the fact that i lie to him so much and i don't like the fact that it frustrates him#and yeah it's good i've eventually come around and owned up. that's better than keeping it up forever. but still#sighhh. he's gonna ask why i didn't tell him before about the thing on friday but i won't really know what to say#'i forgot' is true but not the whole truth#it's always the path of least resistance...#i always try to tell him whatever would generate the fewest questions i deem stressful or intrusive#which includes not telling him anything sometimes#i have a bad track record of being incapable of answering many personal questions. ask my dear friend max from high school#sighhhhh. sorry to my parents and sorry to max from high school#yesterday i lied to one of the showrunners of the performance just because the truth would generate a conversation i didn't want to have#sorry to kai as well then. i guess
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WHY did I fuckin forget to upload this dear god help me . anyway someone let these fuckers be happy they make me so miserable (/pos) I know the song isnt 100% accurate but I Needed this you do not Understand
#scissor seven#killer seven#wu liuqi#seven#edit#scissor 7#fun fact im hispanic but by god I cant speak spanish#so I'm sure theres typos i missed but it is what it is#cant wait to put these on tiktok /s#i am so frustrated with posting on tiktok but#it's like the one other place i have left i can share these publically#cause i really want to but it's like disheartening when tiktok goes SO FAR to kill my quality#imagine exporting and uploading in 4k and the quality STILL fucking dies I hate this app
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Thinking about finally throwing all my FF7 meta analysis and lore deep dive stuff onto a sideblog. It'd be reblogged from here, but I'd be able to organize it a little better, have a directory so people could find things more easily, and maybe it'd stop people from regurgitating things I say word-for-word for brownie points when they can just find and reblog the fucking original post(s).
#fandom vent#this happens WAY more often than I talk about#like constantly#not daily#but if I put up a ramble#there will always be 2-3 people on the twits or here#who immediately start saying the same thing#in the same words#acting like they're the ones that did the analysis#and it's really frustrating#y'all know I actually do research on this shit?#I check my sources#I review the source material#I get alternate translations to be sure#I read real-life research journals for scientific stuff#I research dates and real-world events and natural phenomena and religious history etc etc etc#it's not just 'nashi writes 2k words of bullshit and hits POST'#I do actual research for my analyses and my deep dives#I cite my sources whenever possible#I don't LINK all the time because that can kick a post from the tags#but I don't just make shit up#so people grabbing it and running with it as if they were the ones that did the work to figure it out#is super disheartening#my current big research project is figuring out if Reeve's surname#is actually rooted in Gaelic#because it's such a weird name#and it's possible that it's not spelled right#because it may be Gaelic#this is a theory that has not panned out yet#but I've been researching it on and off for weeks
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i feel like i can relate a lot to Kieran from the Pokemon SV DLC but i feel like NOBODY understands his character correctly
#like there's a lot of stuff i noticed#and people will say like ohh he's on his evil arc#but i wouldn't call him evil#and i caught onto his character immediately. and as someone with anxiety and hyperfixations of my own like how he seems to have with ogerpo#and how anxious he seems to be#having similar struggles to my own#it's sort of disheartening to see him perceived differently#it was frustrating enough in a meta sort of way that people in the GAME didn't understand kieran#or what he's going through#but then people irl actually do it HEJGKRFG#i cannot start rambling about this LMAOO#idk. this kinda makes me sad#sock talk#pokemon sv#just my opinion really but. idk
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biggest L of lorelune is for sure the diluc fic 😔 oh beloved one day i'll work on you again
#i have never put so much time and effort into a piece of writing in my life#and it was fun!! and frustrating to craft#many nights riffing w cielo and mao to work out the dynamic and plot and details#and sadly :'''^) i started posting it last summer as my life began to hit the fan#and the fic didn't get too much traction which is like? functionally fine#i do not write for notes or anything but it was however a lil disheartening#i got a nasty comment on it right away which also like#really soured things!!#and sadly the horrors nuked my memory#so i can't remember a lot of the finer details of the plot#i'd like revisit it at some point but for now it is a sore spot#lore loops
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So.
Washed the pants for the Monokuma cosplay.
Was concerned about bleed - even though that didn't happen the first time I washed them - so turned them inside out. Figured this would keep ink from the legs from bleeding on anything else.
Which. was true.
Did not think about where the black part would be up against the white part.
So.
The bleed isn't too much. The back...looks...less great than it did.
Threw them back in the washer rightside out to see if that will get it out.
...it might make it worse.
-sighs-
#musings#the monokuma cosplay project#i will be#very upset#if i have ruined the pants#because like yes i can use the tips y'all gave me to make new and possibly better ones#but#it's really#frustrating#and disheartening#-sighs-
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tried to do some writing but i got all of like three sentences out before i got frustrated and gave up, so 🤷
#I'm feeling just. so down lmao#I was already not doing great but that dr appointment on sunday really kicked me while I was down ig#so frustrated and disheartened and stuck under this crushing hopelessness/pointlessness of it all#gonna just. have a drink & maybe play some dbd or ow or smth#not the best coping mechanism I know but it's what I've got rn. it lightens the burden a little for the night.#love y'all. sorry again for all the nothing I've written lately. I appreciate y'all sfm for sticking around#and even giving my kids over here a chance despite how impossibly slow I am with byan's threads#hell I'm grateful that you all even gave byan a chance too#just. yeah. I'm lurking. hope everyone has a nice night 💜💜💜#♡ ⁄ 𝙾𝙾𝙲#personal cw#alcohol cw#idk ask to tag ig bc this whole post is just depressing & I'm sorry about that adjgksh
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did the old tumblr live toggle actually work for yall? mine literally never has lmao
#on a more serious note. ive said before but it really is so disheartening how much this site is going to shit#saw a comment that said staff was like ''changes will continue until revenue improves'' which i dont know if is 100% legit but#I'D certainly believe it. and in which case. god if that isn't the darkest death knell possible.#esp. for me bc like. this is the only social media site ive ever really used#it has such a unique layout and i really enjoy working with it for what it is#most of the stuff i make is made to be posted On Tumblr and doesn't really work anywhere else#like wrt to how i format comics and writing for here [and askblogs formerly :p]#like yeah i could migrate and yeah i could figure out other ways to present stuff but i don't want to! i like doing it like this!#and then theres the whole losing audience thing or whatever like fine. irritating sure but ultimately does not matter i'll still make stuff#it's mostly just frustrating bc this year has been the best i've made use of tumblr formatting and most ive enjoyed doing so#and strongest it's been received!...all while continually falling apart around itself#like RIGHT as i hit my stride you know. if i was already past my prime with it it'd still be annoying but whatever its bound to happen#but like right now!!!! come on dude.#bweeeaaahh
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“why did this set suddenly stop getting notes at a really low number” and then it’s because only 7.4% of the notes are reblogs.
#that amounted to 2 rbs LMAO#it’s frustrating bc i know people are out there!!!!! i see sets regularly break 1k!!!! but ppl only like the funny quirky ones#well the other sets are worth y’all’s time too i mean we all love the same shit!!!! don’t you like the whole show / game???#(or at least all the good parts)#i’m just confused atp bc my bg3 sets often have trouble breaking 100 notes and it’s disheartening#bc it makes me think that the whole fandom is really superficial and then makes me not want to interact w ppl who like the game#rambling
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Yeah idk I guess I’m just gonna go back to just reblogging things idk. Not really too in the UTMV fandom anymore and I still can’t get many interactions.
#I still love Error and Fresh don’t get me wrong but like. that’s really all I care about now + I’m focused on other fandoms now#like Sparklecare and Pizza Tower#I tried the best I could here to get interactions#but people barely reblogged my art or sent asks/practiced reblog karma or anything#and not only that is kinda demotivating but the fact that the interactions basically came to a screeching halt bc one mutual had to leave#like. it was nice when I got interactions. but I’m kinda disappointed to see how they suddenly stopped because one person left it’s like. ok#and I don’t really know how or even if I can even bring them back. because I try to go out of my way to send asks n stuff#but like. I’ve rarely gotten it reciprocated#and it’s not always easy for me to answer asks because I’m slow at drawing#it’s also pretty disheartening to see how many meaningful interactions I’ve already gotten on Twitter when I haven’t even posted any of my a#art to Twitter yet but here I’ve been posting so much art and stuff and sending asks and everything but barely get anything.#in return.#like it’s just frustrating#why even bother with this anymore#like I’ll probably still occasionally post some of what I draw here but I think I might just switch to being mostly active on Twitter. which#is sad because I know how bad that place can get and I never wanted to move there in the first place#but art gets better traction and interactions there and people actually commission artists there#Ivy can speak
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God I so badly wish gay characters and relationships were just as normal in videogames as straight characters are. I just wanna see myself in a game and have it not be like a single NPC you may or may not run into
#vark posts#its never the mc either#the mc has always gotta have some straight love interest#idk its frustrating that queer ppl are rarely ever the cool badass hero in a story#only times ive really seen a queer mc in a fps is when its one of those make ur own character things#and like yay love the bi rep ofc#but im talkin like MCs that are set characters and have a big storyline#and its not the main focus of the story ya know??#like its natural and casual and maybe not even exciting#the game Hades is great with that#and in DE theres lots of queer characters that are painfully human#i genuinely think that if videogame rep and rep in general was more casual + normal + expected it would benefit lives#which ik is the most normal take ever lmao#im just ranting a little tbh#i do play a lot of fps games which is fuckin allergic to queer ppl sometimes so it's just pretty disheartening#i just hate having to overanalyze scraps to convince myself a character is like me
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Due to the massive scraping incident that happened on AO3, I have decided to make my current fic as well as all of my future fanfics available to registered users only.
It's very unfortunate that this happened, especially when the Still Wakes the Deep fandom is so small. I love writing for this game, and I especially love writing for its characters.
To the many guests who've visited, read and enjoyed my work so far, please know that I haven't deleted my fic but have instead simply restricted access to it in hopes of protecting my work in the event that another scraping incident happens.
To everyone who's had their work scraped, you have my condolences. I'm so sorry your hard work, your very passion, was so shamelessly stolen and unethically used without your consent. I hope you can still find the inspiration to continue doing what you love, despite this ongoing threat to creativity. Rise above it and roar as you do.
I might reverse this decision later (especially if protection improves) or, more likely, I might occasionally unlock my work for a limited time.
#Still Wakes the Deep#SWTD#Sporran Speaks#I found out about this earlier and have been gutted ever since#It's such a horrible feeling knowing hours upon hours of your work and dedication have been violated#It's especially frustrating because English is my second language (Gaelic is my native) that I've spent years refining in writing#Overall a very outraging and terrible experience#I'm certainly not defeated but still disheartened#I will never support generated derivative content blatantly stolen from fellow artists and creatives#This includes those that generate material as characters#Do NOT use my work to train or improve character generators#I'm really conflicted because I don't want to restrict my work from the fandom because you're all so lovely#But at the same time I will always want to respect and protect both my work and myself as a writer
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