#and it's on me for not being able to emotionally detach from the discussion i suppose

[mysticcoffeecat]

okay but can we talk about 'Mystery of the Urinal Deuce' because this episode is literally EVERYTHING when it comes to Stan and Kyle's friendship. Marsh is playing dumb the whole episode and Kyle is losing his goddamn mind over it. The betrayal. The DRAMA.

Stan in this scene knows damn well that everything is a conspiracy (he admits as much later in the episode and knows that Kyle thinks the same thing). And Kyle knows damn well that Stan out of everyone should also know this, because Stan is the one person he can usually count on to back him up on this type of shit. But Stan is the one messing with him in this episode, so we get these fun moments of Stan letting loose and enjoying pranking his friend Kyle. 

Many see the Assburger's duology as the establishment and turning point of Stan’s character. And while it certainly establishes his clinical depression, I’d argue it in no way establishes either his tendency towards depression/melancholy OR cynicism as both of those have always been present from the beginning (but that’s another discussion for another day. I already basically wrote an essay on that a longgg time ago that maybe I’ll share later).

When it comes to a true  ‘turning point’ for Stan’s character, I think of ‘Raisin’s’ ‘from Season 7, which expands on his already present tendency towards sensitivity and annoyances with general society and evolves it into a deep melancholy and detachment from society (at times bordering on nihilism, something we see more of from Stan post Season 7’s ‘Raisins’ such as in the ‘Douche and Turd’ episode in Season 8 and many other episodes). I don’t see the ‘You’re Getting Old’ episode as the turning point for Stan’s character at all. I see it more as an extension of what I actually view as his turning point episode of ‘Raisin’s’. 

What I love about ‘Mystery of the Urinal Deuce’ is it is a post ‘Raisin’s’ episode where Stan just gets to play around, which is sadly something we just don’t see from Stan post-season 7 as often. 

Kyle has always been the easiest target for Cartman not even necessarily because of his traits, but because of his reactions. He is super reactive to everything, and Stan knows this. Unlike Cartman, Stan respects this and usually stands up for Kyle when this aspect of him is taken advantage of. But at the same time, this doesn’t mean that Stan doesn’t like to tease Kyle at times - because let’s be real; Kyle’s high reactivity would make it so fun to mess with him. And in this episode, Stan takes advantage of that. 

And while usually I hate people taking advantage of Kyle in this way, it is so goddamn refreshing to see Stan just being able to let go of all the heavy shit that’s been so key to his character emotionally post-Season 7 and just play around with his bestie in this episode, something I think that at the core of his character he ultimately just wants to be able to do at the end of the day. you can TASTE the shit-eating grin in his voice. he is having the TIME OF HIS LIFE watching Kyle spiral. stan tries so GODDAMN hard to find happiness throughout the series to no avail, so it’s refreshing the times he succeeds and gets to just actually be himself.

Later on in the episode, Stan is also just able to let loose. His ‘Well dude, maybe we’re just badass, have you ever thought of that?’ later on in the episode is said so nonchalantly with him literally smirking, and it cracks me up every time as he tries to appease Kyle’s doubts. He is thoroughly enjoying pranking his friend. 

like yes give me more of this next season?? give me more of stan actually getting to be a kid and mess around with his best friend instead of drowning in existential dread 24/7? please and thank you?

[231025]

Why V and his fs will decide too marry each other???

disclaimer: taehyung was quite picky with this one, i tried my best to use the right words to explain his reasons but he wants you guys to know that it's only 70%ish meeting his expectations ... "he could do it better" well, he has to live with this version now, i'm not gonna change it any further :'')

his reasons: (1) the good communication between them - it's mentally stimulating for him, it makes him all passionate and giddy, gives him new perspectives on things and ideas for the future etc. his fs is intellectually interesting to him. he likes that he can talk with her about anything in a very "objective", non-judgmental, detached way but at the same time she also gives him new perspectives as she is good at perceiving all the different (realistic, objective, cultural, emotional [...]) side of things and she seems to be able to discuss these things individually without being prejudiced or "judgy" if someone has other opinions or when someone asked "stupid questions" - she seems to be always willing to teach or further explain things in a very kind open-minded way. she is someone that is good at giving advice and making plans with. (2) also, another reason seems to be that he'll realize that they won't progress in the relationship (specifically in the emotional intimacy field) any further if he doesn't offer a serious commitment (for the future) at that time. he'll feel like it's the necessary next step to progress if he wants more from her (trust, openness, intimacy, support...). (3) additionally, he thinks she'd overall make a strong companion for life. + he really appreciates her always being so supportive and caring towards him. she is honest, fair and compassionate and those are all traits he adores - she connects with him on an emotional level and he doesn't experience this often. and i think she is not as emotionally dependent on him as his past partners as this always ended being a great burden on him. she cares about being emotionally fulfilled herself before filling other people's cups which leads to a very healthy dynamic and inspires him to put himself first too instead giving too much of himself away. (4) last but not least, she brings balance, harmony and peace into his life - as they balance each other's flaws out and she always kindly lets him know how to improve things as well as giving him space and time to make his own decisions and form his own opinions, never rushing him. ... and so on... there is probably more but i'm gonna stop here now lol

her reasons: (1) her love life may experience a slowdown (before meeting taehyung) which will lead to a period of (self)reflection. the newfound perspectives might propel her to make changes or take action which she hasn't before. with taehyung she will feel like the "waiting time" is over, "he is the one, it's time for me to settle down now" - specifically the dating phase will at some point feel like "this is not working for me anymore, i need more" - it seems like in past relationships the other party always longed for her to finally commit which ended up feeling like a burden to her - making her drift away even further. but with taehyung it will be the first time in her life that she desires that the other person wants her to commit. funnily enough, i think she already got marriage proposal(s) in the past which freaked her out because she wasn't ready to commit so seriously yet but with taehyung she'll feel like "damn, when will he finally propose to me" she will be quite impatient lol. (2) another reason is that taehyung helps her see things in different perspectives, broadening her mind (similar to taehyung's reason). (3) he helps her get rid of worries, gives her a joy of life, optimism and lust for life. he will be like the sun in her life. she'll feel comfortable, lucky and full of energy and confidence with him. in the past and even now, she might struggle with "her life feeling dull" which over the long period of time bothers her a lot + affecting her mental health - she might struggle with motivating herself and finding joy in life which might explain why taehyung feeling like a new found sun (that lights up her life) will feel so tremendously touching to her at that time. (4) being with taehyung will make her realize that the she needs to release past burdens to move forward - he will trigger an internal transformation - and this effect he he'll have on her will make her realize how important he is in her life and that she doesn't wanna experience a life without him ever again

[gab-has-adhd]

📍🃏Illumi and Hisoka headcanons I have

Warning for potential NSFW or gore-related stuff as well as general angst, traumas, s*icid*l thoughts and drug use ⚠��� Please do not read if you are not in the best mental health state and believe this could harm you. Stay safe 💕

Warning for some SPOILERS if you only watched the anime and/or didn't read pas the end of the election arc 🌸

Do not engage a discussion with me if you are disagreeing please, I just feel like sharing, I am not looking for discussion or arguments 🌸 Keep in mind that these are just my headcanons in the end, and headcanons, by definition, aren't canon.

📍Illumi📍

A traumatized man who always acts as if nothing is wrong, ignoring his trauma on purpose, not seeking help nor wanting to heal

He has been brainwashed by his parents. By his family in general. This guy believes he exists only to be useful to the Family (tm)

Meeting Hisoka is specifically what made him start to stray from "the path of the assassin"

Baby realized he had the right to desire things for himself like any human being

And boy he wants power and control

Absolutely yassified himself to match Hisoka

Neurodivergent (AuDHD, I want to believe)

Queer and homosexual

I want to believe he has BPD solely because I want him to be like me

He does feel pain. He just doesn't react to it. His pain receptors might have been altered, but I like to think it's more of an emotionally / sensitively stunted kinda thing

I really just think he got tortured until he just completely stopped reacting.

God thas man is broken

He does dissociate and have traumatic flashbacks on occasions. And ignores them. And lets his mental health get worse.

Used to have trypanophobia

Sensations are complicated for him. They tend to mix up. He often confuses pain for pleasure (the opposite as well)

Boy is extreme. He likes everything extreme. He wants to feel things, and to feel things, they have to be extreme.

Weird fascination for blood

I swear to fuck this man holds himself back so hard from provoking bloodshed because he is an ✨️assassin✨️ and has to be discreet and professional, but. Dang. Blood.

He's AFAB just because I am AFAB úwù

Probably greyromantic or demiromantic.

Also probably greysexual or demisexual.

He does care for Hisoka, deep down. But he 100% denies that fact. Denies so hard he thinks Hisoka being dead won't bother him at all. It will. God it will.

He's so silly.

Everyone thinks he has no emotions but he does have emotions! He has a heck lot of emotions. It's the ability to emote he somewhat lacks. Ya know, like a lot of neurodivergent people.

He's a dom but he will be a bottom for the right person (aka someone able to override his numbness and make him scream)

More of a masochist than a sadist

Lanky boy who does hard drugs because he wants to feel ✨️

Secret death wish

Takes everything he hears literally

Toned but underweight

Knows how to make piercings

When he was little, Kikyo used to dress him up in kimonos like a doll just like with Kalluto.

Look I love both of his seiyuus honestly but Urara Takano wins my heart

Depending on the person and despite how detached he acts, he can actually behave in a jealous or possessive way.

⭐️Hisoka💧

Such a mystery man right here

Genderfluid pansexual

Oh boy he do be hypersexual

His natural hair color is red. This guy is a ginger.

He dyes them magenta or blue all the time.

He actually is covered with freckles.

Uses makeup + Bungee Gun + Texture Surprise to hide them though

He is very self-conscious about his face and overall appearance. Baby hates his freckles.

I don't teally wanna imagine a backstory for this guy. This guy doesn't need one. I honestly don't care about why he is Like That, he just is. Let him remain the Mystery Man!

Sociopath

Does he actually care for Illumi? Honestly? Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't.

But at the end of the day I do think Illumi is really just another of his toys. An exceptional toy, a toy nonetheless.

Obsessed with violence

A very lonely man

Kind of a loser honestly

Actually an introvert

Possibly has ADHD. As an ADHD person I am not sure to see traits in him but hey. Why not

Doesn't have a death with but he isn't scared of death either

Is he only capable of feeling genuine, 100% not-twisted romantic feelings? I doubt it

There is something deeply wrong with this man but we will never know why

Life is just a game for him and he intends to have as much fun as possible

Autoassassinophilic mf

Just as more of a sadist than he is a masochist

Both Illumi and Chrollo make his kokoro go dokidoki, but at least with Illumi it's mutual (?)

Body covered with scars he hides with his nen

He is still disfigured from the Chrollo fight under that Bungee Gum

He is kept alive by post-mortem nen. When / if he succeeds to kill all of the Spiders, he will die for good.

Might have actually met Illumi once when they were kids. They both forgot.

I prefer his 1999 seiyuu. Hiroki Takahashi in my heart forever 🌸

This man has the worst possible vibe but gets what he wants thanks to his big dumptruck ass and his charisma

Pathologically big cock

He thinks too often with said cock instead of using his brain

[bronzebtch]

It's sinday give us some sinday wishlist or headcanons you have for your muse ✨️

wishlist.

ahhhhhh anon <333 thank u so much for this!!! so i don't particularly have any wishlist per se, because i do prefer discussing any sexual themes quite closely with my respective writing partner(s) who would like to explore such a dynamic with me one-on-one. and while i do have some generic headcanons regarding rhea's perception of sex and experience, i also do believe that any nsfw details could differ with each interpretation and ship ! with that said, have some touch-n-go headcanons which definitely could be expanded depending on its respective relationship(s) <3

headcanons.

rhea comes across looking very dominant, but this isn't true. the more she trusts her partner in actuality, the more she's subservient in bed. the more she wants to be taken care of, rather than the opposite.

she prefers rougher stimulation since her pain tolerance is quite high. this includes rough sex.

i'd like to think she has a quick refractory period, but only during the time when she's really aroused. if not, she tries to shift the pleasure more for her partner than on herself.

doesn't mind public sex — as long as they're in a private setting. for example, it's in a field where they're sure no one is there or watching. yeah, she's probably okay with that. but if there are people around the corner, or they're clearly in public and eyes are on them, she abhors looking anything but modest and professional.

probably likes being praised a lot. ( won't tell you about it though. ) she'll get all red and whiny however, which is a big sign that she does like it.

she does get kind of clingy and needy the closer she is to orgasm (and the more she trusts her partner), which means... she doesn't actually prefer not being able to face her partner while they have intercourse, because she does want to be able to hold them.

she doesn't mind being marked. she claws, herself — though hers are more from the intensity of the moment than any act of possession. ( to add: rhea is not a possessive partner; she's protective, though. )

in modern settings, i do believe rhea indulges in bdsm practises. not often, seeing as she has quite a low sexual need to compare to the average mass, but there are practises that bdsm have which she definitely finds appealing and it is something she does apply to meet her sexual needs. — this includes respecting and utilising subspaces — the usage of rules and punishments in case of disobediences — punishment in forms of spanking, overstimulation, edging etc ( again, i am always continuously learning about bdsm practises from those who are genuinely practising them safely, and i definitely have more intricate headcanons regarding these and they could get quite detailed, so i'm reserving those specifically for any specific partner to which this circumstances could apply to c: )

which is to say, ( applying to canon, using modern terms ) when rhea accidentally slips into "subspace" — or that mindset where she's 100% reliant on her partner — and the intensity of the sex is too much, she may cry? she gets really embarrassed about it, which is why it's important that the aftercare has to be very gentle because........ she really needs it.

again, this all goes back to how much rhea trusts the partner she is sleeping with in the first place. the less invested she is in the dynamic, the likelihood is that she's quite detached from the affair. though the more she's into the act, the more she can be quite clingy and far more open emotionally - especially afterwards.

i do write rhea as demisexual as fuck though. so, in all honesty, it takes a very serious emotional connection for her to even consider engaging in a sexual activity where she's genuinely invested and would react genuinely towards the experience. outside of that, she does come across as having no interest in sex rather than it is an act to 'produce heir', and that's about it. pleasure is something she never believes would apply for or to her.

[mistytarot0919]

Hello misty i came to request fairy dust🌛~ Sooo excited about your reading. I am a new follower👋 and reblogged your post💜

My question is about my future spouse such as details about his appearance, personality and job etc...🌚🌝

Some info abt me: I was born in 18.07.2005 on Monday/ she/ cancer sun rising and scorpio moon + have 2 water grand trines + 1H cancer stellium + Pisces Mars AK, Cancer Mercury Amk with Leo Venus DK in vedic chart. Additionally I removed 3 wisdom teeth of mine and recently got braces for teeth😁

Thank you very much🙏❤️ Have a good day..

Hello, dear angel @phaithisenough ♕˚ʚ♡ɞ˚👼🏻Misty - your tarot reader here✨🔮🌠🃏🌟!

I will start by thanking you again for being part of my community. It brings me a lot of joy to see that you guys are here and supporting my blog. Providing clarity and guidance is my mission so I hope my reading will bring that to you. Thank you again for your patience and support as it means everything to me! (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡

(ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡(ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡Also, every donation is welcomed (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡(ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡

Count of questions/requests 16/20 For more details about the reading you can find here ˋ°•⁀➷👉🏻 and ˋ°•⁀➷👉🏻.

Without wasting any time, let's get into your reading!💕⃝🕊️ 💕⃝🕊️🥀

Crystal for your reading: Ametrine

Angel message: Balancing masculine and feminine energy - Allow your feminine side to creatively inspire you and your masculine side to give you confidence. Affirmation: Vulnerability is my strength. Keyword: Vulnerability - Only the brave and open-hearted dare to allow themselves to be vulnerable, for it requires courage to take down all walls and expose your humanness. Your angel guidance is to become aware of your defense mechanism, which keeps you separate from others and the Divine. Ask your angels to help you dissolve your masks and barriers so that your fragile, true self can emerge like a butterfly from its cocoon. The reward is freedom, love, and a sense of inner safety. So dare to be vulnerable and open.

I can see that you are going to deal with someone older than you, someone powerful with a calm intellect, dark hair, and eyes. They are the type to have a sharp intellectual mind and are analytical, logical, cool, a little bit cold, and calculated. Nothing escapes their observation and they consider their actions like a chess game, a strategy, and a process of planning. Also, they are a warrior, have clarity of thinking, are loyal, and sometimes emotionally detached. At their worst they can become cruel and workaholics, sacrificing their well-being. With this person, you will be connected both intellectually and spiritually. Be careful as this person can become sometimes too analytical for the relationship(can be a Capricorn or an Aquarius). This person is the type that will focus more on their mind rather than the emotions but they bring balance in your life so they will give you a new stable ground. In this connection, bad behaviors will be punished and good ones rewarded. By being with this person you will be able to redress past errors. Order and justice will be restored to your life, and your projects and dreams will get support. In this connection, you need to find a balance between work and relationships (but I think that this is more for your person). You will feel that you have found your soul mate and you will feel that they are trying to hide their lustful emotions and come across as more formal in their approach. I get the idea that something can happen with your person like losing a job or a business and this will definitely affect your relationship. They will feel that they can't support you, they can lose faith or a home so you need to talk and discuss with them about finances. I don't know why at a point they will do something and lose a big part of their fortune(and this can affect their health too). As for their job, they can get from debt collector, maid/doctor/nurse to someone unemployed. This whole situation can accentuate their fear of poverty or isolation because of course, they will feel that they will also lose you. It is your decision if you continue to pursue this relationship, if you think that you can support them financially or emotionally for a period. You need to be prepared for this change because it's going to be a big thing for your relationship. Try to think about this and don't force yourself to do a lot of things by sacrificing yourself. I don't say that you should leave them but try to think a little bit more about yourself because if you aren't going to be fine you cannot support either of you.

Wish you only the best!

Misty🧚🏻‍♂️✨🤍

[dt365-2024]

Christian’s break up text.

My body wants to respond, but I don’t think it’s healthy because I’m so emotional right now. I think some space would be good to process my emotions.

Hey, I am sorry. I still think it’s best to part ways for a couple of important reasons. First, I am not enough for you. Second, you have sought relationships outside of ours more than once (first feeld, when you claimed you wanted to detach, and now on reddit, seeking connections with strangers). Third, things will only get exacerbated after I move away.

1.) I don’t think you’re not enough from me. I’ve always envisioned myself escaped with you somewhere deserted and I’ve envisioned myself being incredibly happy and content with you. You would provide a lot of physical and emotional comfort and intimacy, and that is enough for me. I think that you, as a person, minus the external struggles, is enough. More than enough actually. You’ve made me feel incredibly happy when it was just the two of us, alone together in your apt.

2.) When I started Feeld initially to browse different women, it was after you applied to AZ. I think my reaction to detach stems from the underlying fear that you will abandon me, not just physically, but emotionally too. My mind tries to protect itself by creating an emotional barrier and distraction to cope with the fear of losing you. At that moment, we didn’t talk about other would happen and if you accepted a position in AZ. We only discussed that you never saw yourself living in Vegas the rest of your life, so my reaction was intense and extremely erratic. It was not fair to you. I should have told you, but my mind does this thing where I think that you don’t love me or care about me, so I don’t seek you out to discuss my concerns when I’m on high alert like that.

Now this time around, I was extremely reactive to when I found out that you were sending invitations to other women throughout our relationship. The fear of you cheating in addition to the fear of what would happen when you left was so intense and extreme. At one point yesterday, I felt extremely alone despite the attempts you made to comfort me throughout the day. I thought about how you’ve kept the door open to your wife and how I would never be your first choice. I thought about how for the next years of my lives, I will never have you for holidays nor will I meet your family (as long as you are married). It felt extremely isolating to date a married man. And although you may be checked out of marriage emotionally, you are not checked out physically. Our personal lives cannot mesh or join until then. So I did seek people with a similar situation. I initially wanted to speak to women who were divorced and feeling an immense feeling of loneliness during the holidays, but they did not respond, so I responded to men for that connection and comfort because I didn’t want to burden you with this feeling I had because I already bugged you all day. To a certain extent, I do believe that in relationships, it is important to turn inward and communicate with each other. However, I do feel like having friends or family is important too. I should have connected with the friends I have, but I often struggle with being vulnerable in moments like those because I feel like the people who love me in my life also judge me. With strangers, there’s that absence of judgment because they do not know me, so in a way it did provide some small level of gratification because I was able to vent without judgment. And I was able to listen to someone’s experience and feel like I am not alone in this.

I believe the next step for me is to find support groups. I think in the beginning of our relationship I went through therapy and group therapy, but then after the miscarriage, I stopped. I feared of being judged or harshly criticized by getting pregnant while still separated from my husband. You were also married too. At that moment, I stopped seeking external support. I isolated myself purposefully. And I always thought that since you felt so apathetic to it, I justified that isolation by thinking that if you did not care about it, then who would care to listen?

3.) I’m not sure if you leaving would have exacerbated this. If I had found a healthy support and social circle, I feel like I would be okay. However, I will admit that I have a lot of blind trust in you. Despite all the signs or risks that I see that you may cheat, I do choose to trust you blindly because I don’t want to think of the alternative. But sometimes the fear of you cheating does consume me when I first find a risk. Anyway, I don’t know how here my mental headspace will be in 3 months. However, at this moment I’ve been feeling extremely insecure and insecurity does heed an ugly head as you’ve seen for the past week or two.

Lastly, I don’t want you to think that I’m seeking emotionally intimate relationships with other men. I was really seeking support from women, and I will admit that accepting the support from men was wrong, however my mind justified it because they were strangers and will never know anything more about me.

My detachment coping mechanisms is very unfair to you, but it is typically temporary. Even during those moments, I have no desire to cheat on you. I do believe that given both our attachment styles, I think we are a recipe for disaster unless one or the both of us take the action to become more secure. I think most of the time I do feel secure with you and I do trust you, but I do spiral into a rut when I find something that does make me question the trust I have in you.

I believe that there’s a lot that I need to work on for a relationship of any sort to work long term. Considering how erratic I have been and how consuming I have been with your time, I don’t think it would be healthy to remain together.

I just don’t want you to feel like you weren’t enough because you were. I also don’t want you to think I was opening doors to men while we were together.

The issues we have been having stem from the internal struggle and insecurity I have with you moving back permanently to AZ.

I am so sorry.

I’ll stop messaging you after this. I think I need some space to really think. I will also be with my kids.

[feelingunfulfilled]

Something particularly fascinating (and also equality frustrating) to me is how my depression interacts with my anxiety. During my heightened anxiety, I felt overwhelmed and stressed over my fears for the future and sudden changes. I also cared a LOT about how others perceived me due to an intensified fear of judgement and criticism. I restricted myself from having deep relationships as the idea of vulnerability was terrifying. So for a long time, there where aspects of myself which I hid away because I was worried what my friends or family would think. I could only discuss My Little Pony around the people who watched the show, and I could only make silly jokes around the friend who I grew up with, and I could only share specific drawings with certain people as well. I convinced myself they wouldn’t understand my diversified personality even if I managed to be vulnerable (hence why my loneliness worsened). I felt kinda ostracized from the group because I never shared interests outside of the shared ones, and rarely shared anything about my personal life. There where plenty moments where I felt my stomach sink as I watched them from afar. Another thing that was also typical of me; guilt trip myself out of fear I’m being “a terrible person” for not reaching out and contacting old friends. All of this became common place with anxiety

But then the opposite became true with depression. It’s like flipping a coin and suddenly everything is juxtaposed

Depression numbs a lot of that built-up anxiety inducing fear because you suddenly stop giving a shit about things. You stop caring about grades and paying attention in class because you’ve convinced yourself that “your lazy” and “stupid” no matter what. You give into feeling fatigued and unmotivated and the desire to be pessimistic increases. You get annoyed when people tell you to “fake it till you make it” because you’re tired of acting like things are fine and that your happy when you don’t feel anything. You feel empty, emotionless, directionless, and lost. But it starts becoming the normal. It’s that attitude of “I’m going to do what I want to do and not let anything else dictate me” which is so vastly opposed to the way my brain operated on anxiety. It’s kinda freeing honestly. You start to accept your friendships as what they are, surface level. But that doesn’t mean it’s too late to keep building the bridges and digging deeper. Relationships go two ways, and what you put into it matters. If you want it to be meaningful you gotta share some meaningful information, and simply be true to yourself.

So obviously the upside to depression is you stop giving a shit about others words. It numbs the anxiety about fear of judgement, so you feel able to speak your mind more directly then before without holding back opinions and thoughts to appease others. However, this also backfires because the positive words others say to you don’t seem to matter. Your relationships loose some meaning because you don’t feel emotionally connected anymore. Sometimes it feels like your words hold no meaning, and encouragement to friends falls flat. Almost sounding disingenuous and fake because you don’t have that optimism for your own life. Like I can see my friends archiving success in the future, but I can’t fathom that for myself anymore. And your exhaustion and lack of motivation causes you to detach yourself from social interaction. There have been times where I ignore messages for days because I didn’t want people to know how I’ve been doing (obviously not doing great). During these moments, I’ve noticed my anxiety actually HELPS me. My anxiety tells me “hey, if you don’t reach out to your friends right now, you’ll be wasting your time. Your friendship will drift apart and die unless you put the effort into maintaining it”. It might be over exaggerating but it gets the job done and forces me to talk to them. To ask “what’s up” and “hope your doing okay”. Even if they don’t respond, at least I can rest easy knowing I did my part and tried to keep this connection alive.

So yeah, it’s kinda crazy how depression and anxiety go hand in hand sometimes. Kinda balances things out in a strange way

[itswavelengths]

My Top Games of 2021

I spent a lot of 2021 oblivious.

When the year began, I did what I was supposed to: I got the shots. I kept my mask on. I got tested constantly. The moments in which I saw my friends and family were joyful if cautious events. But while hope began to forge a path forward towards what will be, every bit of me stretched backwards towards the way things were. For almost all of 2021, I refused to believe that I’d fundamentally changed as a person after what we continue to go through, but the acceptance of that fact has paved the way for a better understanding of myself and the media I consume by extension. The truth, dear reader, is that the year served to highlight that the kinds of connective experiences I found so poignant in 2020 have skyrocketed towards the top of my wishlist going forward. Animal Crossing: New Horizons allowed me to celebrate my birthday among friends within a virtual space that felt as much like home as the physical apartment in which I played it. Blaseball reinvigorated my previously dour Twitter timeline with each passing day, focused more on collaboratively fleshing out the fictional world of its generative players than the sport itself. While Hades was far and away the best gaming experience of the year, the collective discussion around it was as much a draw as the play itself. I have a continued fondness in my heart for the games that served as a platform for community and the expression of love across distance. When I consider 2020’s games, I think about the joy I felt when reaching outwards and the titles that allowed me do so.

It helps that this is a year with no clear front-runner, as evidenced by the disparate Game of the Year lists you’ll find in every publication, podcast, Twitter thread and conversation. 2021 has been transformative in the way we’ll discuss lists such as these going forward — the emotion-first frame of mind I found myself in while considering the year was weirdly freeing and is one I believe to be essential. Shedding expectation and precedent leaves a void that can be readily filled with earnestness and joy. This year, the thematic center of my list is emotional honesty and the community it brings together. I’m so glad to be able to share it with you.

10. Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy | PlayStation 5

By: Eidos-Montréal

There’s a chasm between being an effective leader and being a good one. While a lifetime can be spent thinking “number goes up quickly” is an accomplishment, acknowledging and endearing oneself to the people who make it possible is the true reward. Good leadership is accepting that the skills of individuals make the whole stronger, understanding nobody should ever be considered “replaceable.”

And in that sense, Peter Quill is trying to be good.

One tragic backstory later and Peter is going by “Star-Lord” while daydreaming of being celebrated and feared throughout the cosmos in equal measure. He’s emotionally stunted, a thirteen year old boy trying to live vicariously through his own thirty-something body. Though charming enough to assemble a crew of would-be-heroes, he doesn’t quite have the chops to command them. Even if he did, deciding to call the group “The Guardians of the Galaxy” is in itself a sign of fantastical thinking, totally detached from the reality that all five members are outcasts in a society that spans countless star systems. As the player we begin our time in Peter’s rocket-propelled shoes making decisions and issuing commands to the Guardians in combat, but the dialogue frequently betrays the man he’s striving to be. His teammates clearly don’t respect him, and his own insecurities about this bleed out as rash decisions and laughably futile motivational speeches.

The next roughly fifteen hours tell the story of a group coming together, falling apart, and coming back even stronger. It dives into the mind of trauma and proves love is a more powerful force than revenge, camaraderie and individuality defeat subjugation any day. Mechanically we find ourselves getting better at commanding the team alongside Peter, who somehow earns the right to be called “Star-Lord” by the time credits roll.

Being “the one in charge” is never an easy task, and those who desire it most tend to be those least deserving. Although Peter begins his story trying to be effective as the captain of his crew and force himself into an idealized version of leadership, truly accepting himself and his circumstances paves a path towards being someone better. Someone good.

9. Lake | Xbox Series S

By: Gamious

I’ve never once been able to figure out where I want to be in five years. I’ve never made a decision about my own future with a long-term goal in mind. I’ve never decided upon a “career trajectory.” While taking photography classes and making vlogs in high school I decided to become a cinematographer in the exact moment a student councilor asked me if I knew where I wanted to go to college. After six months in film school I dropped out to move in with and join a band. After that came the last Blockbuster in New Jersey. Then a movie theater. A cafe. An office phone refurbishment company and then a circuit breaker refurbishment company down the street from the office phone refurbishment company. A tech start up. Comic book company. Ten years have passed since I entered the work force and even now I’m not sure I have a concrete idea of who I am in the context of who I want to become. After dropping out, the immediate need to pay off my student loans meant I’ve always said “yes” to circumstances and opportunities as they arose. Anything to dig myself out of the debt, out from the shame I hadn’t yet realized was coming from unfounded anxieties. I just wanted to prove I was more than a “college dropout” by working my way towards more and more impressive sounding jobs, as if that single choice defined me. That journey, that rejection of a mindless climb towards a perceived societal vision of “success” that’s grossly misaligned from actual human need is at the heart of Lake.

For two weeks in 1986 protagonist Meredith Weiss is tasked with delivering mail to the residents of Providence Oaks, the small and beautiful town in which she grew up. Having moved to “the big city” to pursue a career in the fast-paced world of software programming, she hasn’t returned home for an extended period in over a decade. Gameplay involves driving a United States Postal Service truck around the titular lake, slipping envelopes into mailboxes and occasionally hand-delivering packages when the need arises. As with any job that involves human contact, Meredith frequently gets into stop-and-chat conversations with the residents of Providence Oaks: An old friend from high school left behind, an acquaintance of her father’s with a shaky past, the owner of a local diner who still remembers Meredith’s “usual” — one slice of blueberry pie. These seemingly innocuous discussions pave the way for Meredith to reflect on her time spent away and consider the differences between the life she has and the life she’s slowly starting to realize she wants.

There’s an audacity to Lake in its command of subtlety: You’ll always be driving the speed limit around town, and there’s no run button to be found when you’re not sitting behind the wheel. Meredith’s daily route is slow and purposeful; her leisurely jaunt through Providence Oaks forces the player to sit with the weight of these decisions — it’s impossible to not ask yourself the same questions when given so much time. Most of my experience in-game was spent just as it was in high school: Disposable camera in-hand, driving around Meredith’s hometown looking for beautiful photographs while wondering about my future. At any point in life “who am I now” is as difficult a question to consider as “who do I want to be,” but given two weeks in a sleepy town with a few low-stakes tasks and the comfort of conversation with others, Lake helped me get slightly closer to finding answers than before.

8. Halo Infinite | Xbox Series S

By: 343 Industries

Halo Infinite’s campaign is messy. In a confounding attempt to bridge the narrative gap between Halo 5: Guardians and Halo Wars 2, 343 Industries have served up an almost incomprehensible mash-up of plot. When it comes to the struggles of Master Chief Petty Officer John-117, I just don’t care about the can-do platitudes, two-word responses, and “hoo-rah” mindset. Contrasted against Weapon — the ironically-more-human AI companion replacing Cortana this time around — or Echo 216 — a regular-ass dude who rightfully doesn’t want to throw himself into harm’s way to win a war that’s already been lost — Master Chief feels as empty a suit of armor as ever before. While playing, these characters almost feel like purposeful foils to Chief’s stoic roboticism, mirrors put in place to let him consider his own lack of humanity. Unfortunately this golden opportunity for a 20 year old series to get introspective goes wholly unexplored and feels like one of the year’s most high-profile fumbles.

And yet even though this failed addition Halo’s overarching narrative left me stunned in lethargy, Halo Infinite’s mechanic strides elevate it to not only compete with the current crop of first-person shooter monoliths, but absolutely trounce them with a heavy emphasis on fun and physics. At this point I would be comfortable saying this is the best Halo has ever felt. Weird!

At its core, Halo’s greatest strength is improvisation. In the compact corridors of previous entries we’d mosey our way from setpiece to meticulously designed setpiece, all the while swapping weapons as quickly as we could drain them of their ammunition. Every grenade was thrown within seconds of picking it up, every gun utilized to the last few shots and discarded — as it turns out, “evolved combat” means reloading takes more time than grabbing an already loaded gun off the ground. Miraculously, 343i’s decision to move Halo Infinite into an open world expands the opportunities for improv. Grappling between pine trees, hijacking vehicles, and discovering new weapons feels even better in an expansive physics-based sandbox than it did within the metal labyrinths of the series’ past. Even the spontaneity of the original trilogy’s more open levels pale in comparison to what can be accomplished when an enemy encampment can be squirreled away in any forest or quarry or atop any hill. And say you get tired of this “new” Halo and find yourself missing said metal labyrinths, all you need to do is head towards the nearest story mission to reacquaint yourself with the quality of level design that put the franchise on the map to begin with. Outside of its bizarre plot, Halo Infinite’s campaign is fun to exist within and poke at the edges of. Every whiffed grapple shot and every truck flipped off a cliff is just another opportunity for procedurally generative comedy, aided at its best by the all-too-serious in-game characters who don’t get the joke.

Crucially all of these mechanic improvements make their way into Infinite’s free-to-play multiplayer component as well, which has revitalized the series in a way most corporate executive freaks could only dream of. In the few short weeks since its “beta” release we’ve seen balance changes to the way experience is gained post-match, a suite of new and returning game modes, and multiple events. It’s absolutely enthralling. As of this writing I have played at least one multiplayer match daily for about a month. For years and years I’ve been on a hunt for “the one,” the one multiplayer game I can feel good about jumping into to clear my head or listen to podcasts or a new album.

Finally, Halo Infinite is that game.

7. Forza Horizon 5 | Xbox Series S

By: Playground Games

Including this one, almost every recommendation of Forza Horizon 5 starts with the same sentiment: “I’m not into cars.” And I think that’s probably a good thing! As a society, we would ideally be unified against cars as they exist today. I’m writing this sentence during the warmest New Year’s Day on record. The automotive and fuel industries have such a tight grip on the leaders of our planet that they’re willing to kill it — and us — in the process. Most days it feels like they’ve won, like cars have supplanted humanity as the dominant species.

Forza Horizon 5 presents, for better and for worse, the kind of romanticized fantasy Hideaki Anno has spent an entire career rebuking. Twenty-six episodes of television, five movies, and twenty-five years later, Anno and team have created what is paradoxically the most complex AND most poignant argument against escapism possible with Neon Genesis Evangelion. A franchise about teenagers using big robots to fight even bigger monsters is eventually revealed to be a vessel through which to tell viewers that it’s time to grow up — put it all in the box and experience the real world — horrifying as it may be. Societally cars are a status symbol, a mask we wear for others, and a means to express our freedoms all in one. Forza Horizon 5 rejects the reality of the industry and instead chooses to fully lean into the societal pedestals we’ve placed cars upon to create an escapist dream. What if, in this virtual space, it was all just okay? Not only does Forza revere cars in the way one might have in the mid-to-late 1950s at the birth of the US Interstate Highway System under Dwight Eisenhower, but it also can’t conceive of a world in which said highway system might have been a bad thing. In fact, Forza Horizon 5 frequently asks you to leave behind the act of driving a supercar 200mph on highways and roads for the even more thrilling experience of driving a supercar 200mph through some unfortunate soul’s farmland.

It’s through this “ignorance is bliss” lens that I have to be honest and say Forza Horizon 5 is one of the most joyful video game experiences you can play on Xbox Gamepass, or anywhere for that matter. It’s the ways in which Forza sidesteps the dissonance entirely and creates an automotive dreamworld that draws me to its absolutely gorgeous setting time after time. When I’m behind the wheel, rewards come as quickly as I can propel my car forward. An accidental donut in the middle of a city street here, an eviscerated cactus there, everything amounts to points I can put towards adding another car to the garage. Can I drift for an entire mile? How fast do I need to drive to launch myself off this cliff and clear the entire river? What would happen if you put a jet engine in the first-ever automobile? Playground Games has asked these questions, discovered the answers, and understands how to compensate you for your curiosity.

While the structured experiences and rewards therein provide enough pure adrenaline-based fun for most people both on and offline, it’s the open world aspect that always hooks me more than anything else. Despite devoting a portion of this piece to a “fuck cars” mentality, the truth is that the dichotomy I feel between this game and the reality of the automotive industry is one I’ve experienced for most of my life. I grew up in the suburbs of New Jersey and, just like the rest of the United States, it’s unfortunately difficult to exist without access to or the possession of a car. Like most teenagers I spent an inordinate amount time longing for the freedoms owning a car provided. To go anywhere, and to do it with or for others on a whim is the stuff of fantasy. I was fortunate enough to finally get one in my senior year of high school, it was a big red thing that sure looked like a truck but was definitely not a truck — I loved it dearly. It was in the years that followed I learned something very important about myself: No, I’m not into cars… but I absolutely love driving. I’d spend hours by myself with an iPod plugged into my tape deck blasting music through shitty speakers and weaving through the mountains in upstate New York to discover which songs paired best with which roads. I’d pack as many friends into the back seat as possible and, with the windows down, cruise to the beach for a day and marvel at the first moment you could smell ocean air from the highway. In the nights insomnia got the better of me I’d get out of bed in the early morning hours and roll around the neighboring towns as silently as possible, a passive presence among groups of grazing deer until I felt like I might be able to go back to sleep.

Sometimes, with the right song on Spotify and the right time-of-day and weather systems aligning, Forza Horizon 5 manages to get pretty close to recreating that feeling. Even while writing this I struggle to decide if I’d really consider it escapism at all. Was it escapism in 2013 when I couldn’t sleep? Was it escapism in 2017 when I wanted to see the leaves change? Is it escapism now when I want to drive as fast as I can with my friends on a road purpose-built for connective experiences? And even if it is, is that such a bad thing?

6. Metroid Dread | Nintendo Switch

By: MercurySteam, Nintendo EPD

Before release, Metroid Dread was pitched to the world as the conclusion of a “five-story arc that has been going on for 35 years” although specifically not the “ultimate end.” Speaking to CNET, series producer Yoshio Sakamoto stated that “as long as the character Samus exists, I think her adventure will continue.”

What a cruel fate.

I started my own journey with 2004’s Metroid: Zero Mission, the Game Boy Advance remake of the original 1986 genre-establishing classic. In it, bounty hunter Samus Aran is hired by a galactic federation to eradicate stolen biological samples from a group of space pirates. The samples are in fact creatures known as the titular “metroids,” a horrific jellyfish-esque parasite that feeds on the literal lifeforce of anything it comes into contact with. Throughout the game, Samus squares off against recurring series bosses like the big lizard Kraid and the big winged lizard Ridley, culminating in the first destruction of the space pirate leader Mother Brain. Sure!

One of the things I’ve always appreciated about Metroid as a franchise is that despite its very 1980s B-sci fi premise, the sense of atmosphere is palpable in its minimalist environments and sparse sound design. The strength of the games is perhaps best highlighted by the frequent choice to drop music entirely in some areas, leaving you with only the sound of Samus’ feet as she wanders with aimless purpose through metal corridors and forgotten tunnel systems. When the ambiance clicks in these moments, players feel the isolation inherent to the journey and settings therein — we get to experience the emotion beneath the armor, and that emotion is tense dissolution. Without the need for dialogue or explicit story, fans of Metroid have a firm grasp on who Samus Aran is as a person through an almost imperceptible excellence in the cohesion between art direction, sound design, and gameplay.

But to accept our read of Samus Aran as a person is to accept that for 35 years, she’s been through hell. As sequels to the original, Metroid II: Return of Samus, Super Metroid, and Metroid Fusion see our hero facing off against the same threats over and over and over again in the pursuit of her original goal: destroy the metroids. Even by the end of 2002’s Fusion, this goal has merely evolved slightly, though it still remained wholly unaccomplished. What it must be like to be trapped in such a cyclical nightmare, to never emerge victorious and only emerge alive; it’s no wonder the series slowly morphed from a focus on tension to a focus on horror.

Nineteen years later and we’re met with Metroid Dread, the end of a story that started with galactic federations and space pirates as an almost laughable scenario now repeated to the point of tactility and abject trauma for its protagonist. After all these years, Nintendo EPD and MercurySteam seem to have a firm understanding of the anguish and exhaustion Samus must feel knowingly heading down to the surface of a new planet to fight the same old threats all over again. But by allowing the game to be an ending from the outset, the developers are able to ask how Samus has grown as a person throughout her journey and how she’d react when thrust into both new and similar circumstances. A key component of Dread’s success comes from the subtleties in the way she’s animated — whether it’s killing a boss with her back turned or standing motionless in almost annoyed disbelief as one of the series’ recurring bosses emerges from the dark and lunges towards her — Samus has had enough of this shit. How has she changed since 1986? She’s become even more of a badass, thank you very much.

So isn’t it fitting that Dread is probably the best Metroid has ever been? Isn’t it almost too perfect that the catharsis and triumphant rage Samus feels when finally coming to the end of her journey also makes for the most emotive and expressive highs in the 35 years of the franchise existing? By taking its time and choosing to contextualize all of her adventures as one cohesive narrative, Dread delivers a chest-pounding and tense exultation with some of the most difficult gameplay Nintendo has ever committed to a video game in a mainline franchise. I was glad to see Samus hint at relief by the time Metroid Dread came to a close, because as with the palpability of isolation in the quietest moments of previous games, I too felt the same way. It’s done. It’s finally done.

But I return to that quote from Sakamoto: “As long as the character Samus exists, I think her adventure will continue.”

What a cruel fate.

5. Tender: Creature Comforts | iOS

By: Gideon Lazarus, Jie En Lee, Kenny Sun

2018 was a strange year for mobile gaming in that the Venn diagram of “games designed for mobile” and “games designed for everything else” were starting to overlap in a real industry-shaking way. Pocketable hardware was powerful enough to run modified ports of console-level experiences, but in my opinion the peak of mobile at the time came in the form of games designed around our devices’ specific characteristics and the ways in which we interact with them. That year, two mobile games had made it to my top ten list: The first was Florence, a visual novel that employed the various input methods we use daily like tapping, swiping, and more to tell an emotionally wrought story about love and heartbreak. The other was Twinfold, a brilliantly designed mash-up of roguelike and puzzle elements by developer Kenny Sun that I still believe to be one of the best games on my iPhone.

In 2021 while the aforementioned Venn diagram continues to shift closer to perfect fusion between the two circles, I found a different kind of fusion in the form of Tender: Creature Comforts. Miraculously, Tender is a visual novel that employs the various input methods we use daily like tapping, swiping, and more to tell an emotionally wrought story about love and heartbreak — this time by Twinfold’s Kenny Sun, along with collaborators Gideon Lazarus and Jie En Lee.

Tender takes the form of a fake dating service, and upon downloading the game you’ll be asked various questions about yourself to best inform perspective dates about your whole deal while also making the app feel more natural to use. What’s your name? How about your birthday? Do you usually capitalize sentences when messaging someone else, or do you write in all lowercase? Are you a “haha” person or a “lmao” person or even a “hjskdfhialf” person? Once this information is entered, the game begins, and it sure looks exactly like dating apps you might have used before. You’re presented with various creatures who have profile photos and short bios that are punchy or too revealing or say nothing at all, and it’s your job to swipe left or right if you think they might be interesting. And then you wait. And you wait for a while sometimes! Tender takes place in real time, which means it might take multiple days to match with someone, and even if you do it might take another few days for them to respond to your opening message. If you play your cards right and choose all the correct dialogue options in conversation, you might even be able to schedule a date which must also happen in real time. Tender will send you a notification when it comes time to “attend” the date, and what follows is a beautifully written choose-your-own adventure story about how you did or absolutely did not connect with this creature.

The genius of Tender is that everything I’ve described involves procedures and concepts and input methods you’re already intimately familiar with. We don’t need to be told how a dating app works in 2021. When “playing” comes so naturally that input doesn’t need to be taught, what’s left is artwork, storytelling, and emotion. More than anything else, Tender is a platform for character studies and the ways in which we can inform them through interaction. A couple you match with on Tender looking for a third might break up based on your innocuous questions to make sure everyone is on the same page. You might then see both individually in the dating pool the next week when they’ve each decided to get back on the horse. A seemingly innocuous invitation to visit the Museum of Humanity for a date might pave the way for some speculative science fiction twists that are both too horrifying and too hilarious to spoil — by the time you’ve finished reading the information around the exhibits you realize you’ve ignored the date entirely.

By taking place in real time, Tender asks a lot of its players. For the 10–14 days spent playing, you’ll also be signing up for near-constant notifications and emotional gut-punches at inopportune moments in your real life. The frightening heart of Tender is that it’s almost too good at being a facsimile of online dating. This can be a lot to handle, especially for those who are already using dating apps in real life. But at the end of the day the secret to Tender and the secret to Tinder are one in the same: Be honest with yourself, be open to new experiences, and at the very least you’ll have a story to tell.

4. Psychonauts 2 | Xbox Series S

By: Double Fine

In 2005’s Psychonauts, protagonist Razputin sneaks into a summer camp for psychics in an attempt to fast-track his way towards his heroes: The Psychonauts — a team of psychic spies as valiant as they are powerful. Throughout the game we jump into and out of the minds of counselors, fellow campers, and more with each mind boasting a unique platforming experience that presents a tight juxtaposition between theme and gameplay. All the while we hear tales of the Psychonauts’ triumphs on the world stage from Raz as he continues to get embroiled in a psychic conundrum of his own, eventually leading to his becoming a Psychonaut himself. It’s a good video game!

But it’s in 2021’s sequel that Raz discovers the minds of the seven founding members of the Psychonauts — the ones he’s idolized and whose adventures he’s memorized after a childhood spent reading comic book chronologies — are as susceptible to the struggles of daily life as the minds of those he’d explored in his own summer camp exploits. In a crucial acknowledgment of the real world’s greater emphasis on mental health awareness and acceptance since 2005, everything about the game’s subject matter and mechanics (including the very act of jumping into someone’s mind without consent) is both questioned and explored to its fullest extent. It’s an even better video game.

And I think “better” may be the perfect word to describe the difference between the two games. As much as I loved Psychonauts in 2005, it had a tendency to occasionally be mean and almost revel in mental health struggles to make its cerebral worlds more vibrant and exciting. A sequence of levels spent in “Thorney Towers Home For the Disturbed” feels especially troubling these days, sending Raz into the minds of various inmates struggling with a multitude of mental and behavioral disorders. The oft-cited and applauded “Milkman Conspiracy” involves wandering around the mind of a milk delivery man named Boyd who is suffering from paranoid delusion and lives in a world twisted into an almost indefinable shape. While celebrated at the time, it’s upon reflection that levels such as these admittedly lack the empathy needed to properly handle such difficult topics. Psychonauts 2 by comparison has empathy in spades, and marries that empathy with its design to be better than the original in every way.

Hope and irreverence permeate every decision of this game. Even in its darker moments Psychonauts 2 manages to strike an extraordinary balance between exploring mental health struggles in a way that takes them seriously, while also not crushing the player beneath their weight. It’s a tight-rope act that never once falters in its twenty hour story, and culminates in level design even more tightly constructed and considered than the first. While diving into the minds of the Psychonauts’ founding members, Raz finds himself face to face with versions of his heroes who have been hollowed out by time and the weight of the sacrifices they’ve made to repeatedly save the world. In its deftest moments, the game understands that acknowledging a struggle can be as difficult as seeking a path through it.

Thankfully, the core of Psychonauts 2 is a message that rings out confidently: No matter what you’re going through, it’s okay to ask for help. Raz, although imperfect in his own ways, is willing and able to be a supportive force at any stage of the healing process from forgiveness of the self to the forgiveness of others. The truth, brilliantly explored in multiple key moments, is that although antagonism and hate can come from within, these feelings alone don’t make an antagonist. In fact, they’re a natural part of life if accepted, understood, and managed with care. Psychonauts 2 wants you to know that your struggles doesn’t define you. Accepting others and accepting yourself are two sides of the same conflict, but by doing both you can set off a chain reaction that makes the world a better place — with or without psychic espionage.

3. The Forgotten City | PlayStation 5

By: Modern Storyteller

This review will contain very slight spoilers for a game best experienced with no prior knowledge.

There is a point in The Forgotten City — and this point can arise at almost any moment in your playthrough, or not at all — where you happen upon an old man sitting alone in a dimly lit cave. This stranger is surrounded by damp walls and artifacts of an ancient civilization strewn upon the stone at his feet, but he wears a soft smile, clearly happy to see another living being after so much time spent in solitude. He’s content, despite what you may or may not know about his circumstances by now. With your permission, he proceeds to ask a series of questions that — though undeniably expository — feel like a natural extension of the game’s underlying desire to have its players linger over their answers. This man, and The Forgotten City by proxy, is wholly obsessed with one query above all else:

“Would you say you know the difference between right and wrong?”

After waking up beside a riverbed in the modern era, The Forgotten City sends you back in time to a lost Roman city entombed deep underground. There you’ll come across the city’s magistrate who warns you of impending doom via what he and the other 20+ residents refer to as “The Golden Rule.” Put bluntly, if anyone in the city commits a sin, everyone in the city will die. The magistrate is certain someone will break The Golden Rule today, and has prayed at a nearby temple to unhook a traveler from time who can help find the culprit before they perpetrate a crime. So begins what is unequivocally the best timeloop game of 2021 and an experience I’ll hold with me for years to come, because as clear as the central Golden Rule may seem on the surface, careful consideration reveals layers of depth that spiral downward further and further towards self-examined moral standing.

“Better to know that you know nothing, than to know nothing and think that you know.”

The Forgotten City brilliantly ends your first conversation with the magistrate by giving the player their very first lead: He asks you to speak with Lucretia, a doctor in a nearby temple, to determine why she’s so upset. This early on it’s possible you don’t know the location of the temple in relation to the magistrate’s villa, and by wandering around with this one simple goal the player may find themselves subconsciously mapping the area in the process. While doing so it’s possible to stumble into most of the city’s other residents, who are all in some way involved with piecing together the larger mystery via smaller disparate side-quests and leads of their own. It’s in this way that the team behind the The Forgotten City manages to take a complex and seemingly daunting web of interactions, dialogue trees, and timing and use them to their advantage by taking it all one step further: If everything is connected, every player will discover a path to progress no matter what they do. Every conversation on the path towards one lead uncovers another lead in its wake, and suddenly the player is progressing on multiple fronts simultaneously. For a game about looping through the same day repeatedly, its clock-like construction feels as ironic as it is purposeful.

“If there is one thing I have observed about rules, it is that virtuous people do not need them, and evil people will always find a way around them.”

Lucretia, as it turns out, is distressed because her patient Iulia is dying. The only person in the city who holds the cure is a nearby merchant by the name of Desius, who has placed such an exorbitant price on the medication that it’s a certainty he is resigning Iulia to death. Players might assume this decision breaks The Golden Rule and wait for the thunderous voice of an angry deity to shout downwards into the city from the heavens, but the only audible sound is the soft cry of Lucretia as her patient slips away.

Desius thrives under The Golden Rule. Essentially a con-artist, he spends his time in the city considering various loopholes he can use to increase his standing and expedite his way to riches without breaking what he assumes to be any of the Rule’s core tenants. Personally, I think the sick freak finds it exciting to get away with murder beneath the nose of an unknowable cosmic force. Desius’ interpretation of the Rule is a dark reflection of what he presumes an honorable god would enact upon the city, using his conjecture to skirt around his imagined rules. After seeing his actions, players might start to challenge The Golden Rule themselves: If Desius can knowingly cause the death of another under Rule’s dominion, how truly just is this system?

“We must accept the sad truth that no human society will ever achieve the utopia for which it strives. Because the only way to create a utopia is through the ever-present threat of force, such as The Golden Rule… and life under tyranny is no utopia at all.”

Although real life doesn’t have a singular Golden Rule to follow, every era of human civilization has multiple moral ideologies. Depending on region, religion, or lack thereof, any individual might adopt or reject the societal code into which they have been born or raised. Reflecting on the laws of previous civilizations from our privileged position in the Now reveals entire eras of barbarism — how could they not have known their morality was so grotesque, so inhumane? The truth is that the same reaction will spew forth from any historian fifty, one hundred, or one thousand years from now when they too look back on our society as inferior.

The Forgotten City asks its players to consider the code they follow as a personal act, because righteousness from within spreads outwards into society and brings us closer to the aspirational utopia we can never truly grow into. And we shouldn’t grow into it, a humanity that has reached its apex is no longer humanity at all. Without constantly striving to better ourselves and others, we’ll languish as a civilization, like golden statues with nowhere to run.

2. Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart | PlayStation 5

By: Insomniac Games

Oddly enough the closest 2021 companion piece to Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart comes in the form of The Matrix Resurrections, the fourth film in the franchise after an eighteen year absence that sees Lana Wachowski triumphantly returning to deliver a remake, a reboot, and a sequel in one tactful and considered swoop. In it, as with the first film, we’re reacquainted with our heroes Neo and Trinity as they endeavor on a quest to reemerge from The Matrix and fight back against their machine overlords. Unlike the 1999 original or the sequels that followed, Resurrections is wholly aware of the impact the franchise has has upon film and pop culture collectively — this is a Matrix film in which Thomas Anderson is a critically and commercially lauded auteur game developer after creating a trilogy of titles called (drumroll) The Matrix. As viewers, we’re asked to mull over our own relationship with this franchise and its key players as we watch similar beats play out in a new way. Simultaneously, the now iconic characters similarly contemplate their own place in the story and decide how much agency they would ultimately like to have over repeating themselves narratively. It’s an ambitious film that’s as much about examining our affinity for the franchise as it is about rejecting it whole-cloth, and deciding that love and the connections formed between others is more a radical and appropriate response to storytelling than any other.

Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart opens with a parade. The titular characters are being celebrated — again — for their past heroic deeds. Before the release of Rift Apart there were 16 Ratchet & Clank adventures, the most recent of which (not counting the PlayStation 4 remake of the original) came in the form of 2013’s middling Into the Nexus. Since then, Ratchet and Clank have been just kind of… hanging out? Both characters, though grateful for the fame and fortune heroism has finally brought them, can’t decide whether they’re bored of the same old “us versus Dr. Nefarious” routine, or so bored of doing nothing that they’d give anything to experience an adventure so rote once more. During an extended action sequence that involves the two once again fighting Nefarious — this time over a gun that can allow one to travel into parallel universes — Ratchet and Clank are separated in an alternate dimension where the villains always win. In this universe we’re introduced to Ratchet’s dimensional counterpart Rivet, a well-meaning resistance member whose altruism comes at the cost of victory, and Clank’s dimensional counterpart Kit, a defective Warbot designed by this dimension’s Emperor Nefarious.

It’s in this reframing of our heroes and villains that Rift Apart is not only in conversation with the legacy of Ratchet & Clank as a franchise, but with storytelling as a medium. Pick up almost any adventure from the shelf and being all-too aware of formulaic and repetitive “good triumphs over evil” endings has the potential to remove stakes entirely from the get-go. By setting Rift Apart in a dimension where the heroes always lose, the narrative finally goes into uncharted territory while still feeling familiar enough to not be off-putting.

Brilliantly, Ratchet is paired with Kit, and Clank with Rivet, meaning that each well-worn hero is able to impart some wisdom upon their new partners. In the very first Ratchet & Clank, Ratchet is a lone inventor on a backwater planet whose dreams of being a Galactic Ranger were dashed despite his aptitude for flight and combat. Almost immediately, he comes into contact with Clank, a defective Warbot who hopes to warn the Rangers of Dr. Nefarious’ evil plans. Both suffer from a lack of confidence, as Ratchet questions what failings led to his inability to join the Rangers and Clank wonders if his defect defines his life — and what it would mean were he to be “fixed.” Of course as with any good pairing, the two bring out the best in one-another and manage to canonize themselves in both the game’s literal Hall of Heroes and the pop culture landscape of everyone who paid attention to video games throughout the 2000s.

Rift Apart, by extension, follows a similar formula as we follow Rivet and Kit’s journeys through self-acceptance via the help of their extra-dimensional companions. For new and old players alike, these two prove to be the emotional heart of the story. Rivet’s constant failings against the too-big-to-fail Emperor Nefarious shatter her self-worth in the way it would anybody, though her drive to help others serves as a bedrock upon which she can build a healthy foundation towards heroism. Kit’s programming defect means she occasionally suffers from uncontrollable outbursts, her Warbot form causing her to become an accidentally destructive force against her will. Her inability to reckon with this side of herself has manifested in habitual seclusion — she spends most of her time on a desert planet, her only contact in the form of alien life practicing transcendental mindfulness. When paired with the titular heroes who have literally lived through similar struggles and know the best ways to be supportive of one another and themselves, Rivet and Kit eventually do the soul searching required to pull themselves out of their inner-strife. The game examines its new characters through the lens of its old characters, and in so doing informs players and itself of the nearly infinite, dimensional-spanning ways stories can be impactful for generations to come — even if it turns out good always will beat evil in the end.

It’s a remake, it’s a reboot, and it’s a sequel. It’s also the most beautiful game released in 2021, with perfect gameplay systems and an impeccable score by the legendary Mark Mothersbaugh… so there’s that too.

1. Monster Hunter Rise | Nintendo Switch

By: Capcom

Sat at the mouth of a serene underground river flowing far into the surrounding bioluminescent cave system, I aim my camera upwards towards a craggy volcanic plateau atop which two Wroggi sleep and a third keeps watch. I’m far enough away that the one watchful sentinel doesn’t see me slowly line up my shot and snap a few photos for research purposes — no need for the rule of thirds or precise framing here. One hour into my solo excursion and I finally feel like I have an idea of the topography here, the ways in which my companions and I can weave effortlessly in and out of the twisting and expansive natural tunnels in the heat of battle, and the places in which we can replenish our stock of items in a pinch. For the moment, at least, the area is calm. The sound of running water and the soft reptilian purr of sleeping Wroggi are only punctuated by the infrequent shifting and splashing of my canine companion in the river. When I return from my tranquil expedition I’m greeted joyfully by the denizens of the village, each with a request for materials that can be used to offer increasingly impressive services to myself and others.

Surrounded by three of my closest friends, things are not going according to plan. Magnamalo, a hulking tiger-like creature sporting purple-plated armor for skin, is making quick work of the four of us as its frenzied blows come faster than we can react. With every slow swing of our comically large weapons, the monster manages to dodge swiftly and retaliate with the swipe of its claws or purple hellfire from its jaws. Standing again at the mouth of an underground river beneath a craggy volcanic plateau, I shout to my companions that grappling upward and outward to heal our wounds and hope Magnamalo doesn’t follow is our best bet at survival — which is becoming more important than victory at this point. Before we zip into the sky, one brilliant mind among us takes the opportunity to throw a flash bomb at the beast, ensuring it won’t be able to see our escape plan as we clamber to safety. Atop the plateau, we eat steaks and drink health potions and sharpen our weapons and continue laughing the whole way through. Within the hour Magnamalo has fallen, and we all sign off until tomorrow’s hunts begin.

In my free time I find myself chatting with the residents scattered around the village of Kamura, taking care to learn more about them as people instead of as walking-talking vending machines. Yomogi, a young chef who runs the village tea shop, sees her constant menu expansion as an expression of artistry and the best way to serve her community. Iori spends his days surrounded by felynes and palamutes, and by using his unique gifts can help them grow in strength and resourcefulness. Both separately express to me their desire to do something more overtly cool, like becoming a monster hunter, but by utilizing and honing their talents they’re able to impact Kamura as much as, if not more than I ever could.

Monster Hunter has never been known for its story, despite the series’ multiple attempts to put narrative first. At best, entries have been innocuous to the point of forgettable, and at worst the franchise has a tendency to play into troubling colonialist attitudes dressed up with a fantastical albeit ignorant sheen. Rise though, more than any other entry, smartly focuses on the hub village itself as its emotional core. By endearing me to the place in which I find myself safe and at rest, I care more deeply when that safety is threatened by outside forces. I would never let anything bad happen to Yogomi or Iori or the many other faces of Kamura. For the first time in its seventeen years, Monster Hunter smartly centered every piece of its gameplay around the betterment of the community — both human players and NPC alike.

That focus bleeds into every decision and mechanic on the multiplayer end, where my time spent sitting at a table eating dango and talking with my friends can feel as fun as the hunts we’re ostensibly preparing for. In 2021, Monster Hunter Rise was my continued link to socialization in the ongoing pandemic-addled world. Just like Animal Crossing: New Horizons before it, Rise represented an on-ramp to the franchise for many of the people I hold dear. Although I always hoped Animal Crossing would realize its potential to catch on with mainstream audiences, I never imagined a world where Monster Hunter broke out of its “hardcore” shell. I recognize this wasn’t the norm in 2021 the way New Horizons was for just about everyone in 2020, but to see so many willingly toss themselves headlong into a title known for its complex mechanics and opaque design was a joy. As with most things, to be able to teach your friends how to play Monster Hunter is a dream come true.

But writing this in 2022, Kamura is less vibrant than it once was. Life in its natural state is a series of ebbs and flows, and the friends I once found myself surrounded by have since moved onto other adventures. Every once in a while, the most die-hard Monster Hunter fans among us will jump in for a hunt and a chat, but it’s nowhere near the nightly ritualistic experience we’d all briefly had at launch. Still though, I’m happy to knock out a hunt or two with my buddies when the timing is right. Every moment spent together, virtually or otherwise is a moment to be cherished. To spend so much time in a place as beautiful as Kamura is a privilege, and sharing that time with others is the best experience I had playing a video game in 2021.

⏆

[petruchio]

i am so curious to know what your definition of sally rooneyification is as someone who doesnt read much but sees her books everywhere

ok SO! i’ve been trying to collect my thoughts here but i haven’t been able to work out a coherent way to express myself so let me just dump some sally rooney/contemporary lit fiction thoughts on y’all and you can take what you will from it

first off — i actually do like a lot of rooney!! i think normal people is a legit good book. i still think about the “money: the substance that makes the world real” passage. it’s one of my favorite passages on class and wealth in contemporary lit. (and is my love for that passage largely informed by my own life experiences? yes. but i still think it’s brilliant.) i think conversations with friends is ~pretty good~ and it’s a completely solid debut novel. i hated her new book beautiful world where are you and i thought it was bad. but i think she’s a genuinely talented contemporary voice and i think she’s definitely interesting as a popular figure in literature right now.

however, i do think that a lot of what makes rooney compelling gets kind of muddled in the public conversation about her novels.

i think the distinct *irishness* of her work is something i don’t see talked about enough. now, im not irish myself! but i did take more than one irish lit class in college, and i definitely see rooney and her works as an entry into the broader world of irish literature and irish writers. and i feel like that’s something i don’t see people talk about enough, and something that rooneys imitators (who are often not irish) fail to understand as a crucial backdrop of her writing. i don’t really have the energy to get into this any deeper rn, but i think it’s something worth really considering if we’re going to discuss her works.

my problem with the sally rooneyficiation of contemporary lit is kind of my same issue with the post-hunger games ya boom. i just often feel that people took the things that appear on the surface of rooneys novels (a disaffected and emotionally detached female protagonist, lots of sex, vague explorations of politics, characters who use modern technology) and just kind of wrote novels with those things in them without really connecting them to the broader themes. what i think makes normal people brilliant is that everything works in tandem to explore and develop the relationship between marianne and connell — mariannes personality is a result of her family life and the tension that puts on her relationships outside of her family, her relationship with connell being the lens through which we view those relationships. the sex is there so we can see how the relate to each other and their bodies as they grow together and apart over the years. political discourse is central to the entire novel, as their class difference is not just a background for what’s going on, it’s the driving force behind their entire relationship. technology is what enables them to stay close, and yet also what drives them apart (connells emails which develop his creative writing talent which encourages him to write the stories that will eventually take him to new york.)

(this is where i think cwf is a bit more muddled — the elements are there, but they’re just not as developed. for example, the discussions of class are interesting, but they’re not as fully developed or essential to the story as they are in np. they took the whole plot of nick giving frances money out of the show and it… kind of didn’t matter. or, it did, but the story still functioned without it. contrast that to np — if you’d erased their class difference, the whole story would collapse.)

but in a lot of contemporary lit, i feel like those things aren’t being used *to service the narrative* they’re just being used so that it “feels like a sally rooney book.” like, one thing i’ve noticed a lot is that these books have been using a lot of sex scenes to stand in for character and relationship development — and let me tell you! it doesn’t work! because then you’re just including sex for the sake of including sex, not because you have anything interesting to say about it or because it enhances the story or your social commentary in any real way. or characters will use a lot of technology but the books don’t really explore why or what that does to change or affect their lives — it’s just there for realism, i guess. which is fine to a certain extent! but to me, it also feels like it just ends up giving a story bloat where it doesn’t always need it. or the disaffected female protagonists — (and perhaps this is a larger trend than one that we can pin solely on rooney, one which relates to the fact that people with the privilege to have time to write a novel often tend toward one specific demographic and thus one worldview) but wow am i getting bored of books that are centered on a young person who gets into a toxic relationship and has a lot of sex as a replacement for any actual character development and then at the end of it decides that nothing matters anyway and then the book ends. it’s just boring! it’s not anything new! it’s not exploring anything about our society or our inner lives or our experiences as human beings! why is it a story? why a narrative? why not just publish your diary? what are you SAYING!!

i like rooney because i do think she has something to say. do i think she always knocks it out of the park? no. but she’s doing something and it’s clearly resonating with a lot of people. now look, im sure a lot of her imitators have something to say too — but it’s getting muddled in their attempts to recapture the world of rooney — a world which, imo, is distinct to rooney and her perspective and life! id rather see more young writers really stake their own claim on the world, explore their view of contemporary life, and say something original or at least true to them, rather than trying to imitate rooneys style and message.

BUT! to close, i also think it’s worth mentioning… is this really the fault of the writers? the young authors trying to get their debut novel published? the young people who are trying to create a piece of art? NO! let’s not kid ourselves. it’s the publishing houses, the desire only to publish books that are guaranteed to sell, the desire for safe bets in an industry and art form where we *should* be focused on always finding something new.

yeah, that’s right. it’s really not about sally rooney at all. it’s about capitalism.

[kaaytea]

hello! i love your blog so much and it brings me so much comfort..ive been having a really rough go at it the last few months and i was wondering if you could write how the daiya boys would react to learning their so deals with mental health problems? or what theyd be like helping them during a breakdown or something? thank you so much ♡♡♡

Daiya boys helping an s/o during a break down

A/n: Hello dear! I can't tell you how happy it makes me knowing you find comfort from this blog (that was my main goal when I started it!) I'm sorry to hear you've been having a rough time, I'm sending a bunch of love, hugs, and good vibes your way! I hope these little hcs bring you some comfort, thank you for requesting and enjoy ♥️

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Sawamura -> He's a bit familiar with these situations from his yips phase. Very quiet when comforting you, mostly out of fear that if he were his usual loud self it'd cause more harm than good. Handles you very gently and coaxes you into doing some breathing exercises with him to calm you down a bit. Afterwards he'll do whatever would make you most comfortable. Run you a bath? He's on it! Need some water? He's already in the kitchen! Just want to snuggle up with him? His arms are open and awaiting your hugs!

Furuya -> Very lost and worried the first time he sees you in this state. Unsure of what to do so he just follows his gut in that moment. Sits down besides you and rubs your back to let you know he's there, if you want him to hold you his arms are open in an instant. Afterwards he'd ask you if there were specific things you'd want him to do in the event that this happens again. Furuya wouldn't want to accidentally overstep your boundaries and make you feel worse so he compiles a little list of things you said would comfort you so he's prepared for next time.

Haruichi -> Haruichi would whisper encouraging words to you. He speaks in a very light, airy tone in hopes of calming you down a bit. If you're comfortable with it he pulls you to sit on his lap so you can hold on to each other; sometimes he even quietly hums songs his mom used to sing for him. Would rock you back and forth in his arms just praying that you know you're safe with him. Won't force you to talk but is always happy when you do so the both of you can work on finding healthy ways to diminish the frequency of your break downs.

Kanemaru -> Please he's sO worried. Kanemaru hates seeing you upset or in pain so he's doing anything to make you comfortable. Firmly Holds you to his chest and presses kisses to the side of your head. Quite literally won't leave your side the rest of the day.

Toujou -> Toujou does his best to make sure you're not feeling alone; he's wants you to know that he is present in the moment and is there to help in any way you need. He always finds a way to coax you into a conversation to distract you from the source of all your stress. If you don't want to talk he usually puts on some sort of background noise like rain water or a playlist of softer songs you enjoy.

Kuramochi -> Can tell right away when something is wrong and is on top of things the second he sees you start to tip over the edge. Mochi wouldn't want to overcrowd you and make you feel congested so he's sits across from you and draws little shapes on the palms of your hands. He tends to talk you through everything, reassuring you that you're safe and that he's here for you.

Miyuki -> So so so so gentle!! Yes he's normally emotionally detached and makes fun of you half the time, but if your hurting (whether it be mentally of physically) he won't leave your side until he's certain you're ok. Big believer in breathing techniques so he's always trying to get you to match your breathing with his. If you're ok with physical contact he usually pulls you into his side and let's you rest your head on his shoulder. Always listens to you if you want to talk about what's been getting you so worked up.

Kawakami -> Understands how torturous it seems when your own mind and body are against you. Has the gentlest smile on his face when he notices what's wrong. Of course it pains him to see you like this but it's not a feeling he focuses on. Instead, he puts all his energy into comforting you and your well-being. Would definitely make you both some tea and stick near you till you start to recover a bit. He's also really into aromatherapy (it's a method that works for him) so he has a lavender infused blanket ready if you want it. Very in touch with what comforts you. If you want him to talk to you so you have something to focus on, he will! If you need some form of physical comfort he's got a cozy spot on the couch perfect for snuggles!

Ryousuke -> Very calm and refuses to baby you (i.e. he's not gonna fluff it up and be all "Oh my poor baby! What's wrong, sweetheart?"🥺🥺) Lets you use his lap as a pillow and will run his finger through/over your hair. Not much for whispering sweet nothings but he will look you in the face and say something along the lines of: "I'm right here, ok? Just concentrate on calming down a bit." He's a wonderful listener if you ever want to talk about what's been going on, there's not a smidge of judgement on his end.

Tetsuya -> He's still very stoic on the outside but there's a noticable softness in his eyes. Does the thing where he runs his hands up and down your arms. Tetsu would most likely want to discuss everything. He might try to give you advice or little reminders to take time for yourself. He doesn't want you to think your facing everything alone, he wants you to feel comfortable sharing things with him. Would definitely be one of the rare times he gets a smidge sappy to let you know he loves you.

Jun -> Such a sweetheart! A bit hesitant the first time he sees you breaking down but immediately snaps into action. Scoops you up and brings you somewhere comfortable. Keeps telling you that you're ok and that nothing will hurt you. Presses a bunch of kisses to the top of your head and cheeks.

Chris -> Chris is naturally just a soft-spoken person so his demeanor doesn't change at all. His voice when he whispers is incredibly comforting to listen to; it's low and rumbly, man just exudes warmth. He won't belittle your stress or fears at all, he actively listens to you in hopes of finding some way to help. Gives really great hugs so if you're in need of affection you've literally won the jackpot with him.

Sanada -> Is somehow, even in this situation, able to keep the atmosphere generally calm. Would whisper sweet, reassuring words to you the entire time. Mans just wants you to feel valid, safe, and loved when with him. Another person who would let you sit on his lap or curl up to him on your own terms. Would offer you one of his hoodies if you wanted something you're able to curl up in. Sanada always tries to get you to smile or laugh once you've calmed down to lighten your mood a bit.

Raichi -> Similar to Furuya where he wouldn't really know what to do. Might be a bit shaken up because he hates not knowing how to help you. If you ask him for something (like some water or a hug) boy is ZOOMING to fullfil your request. Because he's not entirely sure what to do he just gently brings your hands up to cup his face and softly says: "(y/n)-chan, please don't be upset!" Might not be the most effective tactic but it's the first thing that popped into his mind. Would definitely offer to get you a snack after the whole ordeal. He might be a tiny bit clingy afterwards because he felt so useless :(

Mei -> Generally a childish person but Mei takes this very seriously; babes is not messing around when it comes to your health. Goes by your requests and will do anything you ask of him, not a single complaint leaves his mouth. You'll usually end up lying on his chest while he mindlessly traces shapes on your back. In this position you can listen to his heart beat which is surprisingly very soothing and steady. He tends to whisper about how much he loves you or about how important and special you are.

[soulvomit]

One of the things I find frustrating about my normal style of wanting to engage stuff, is that most people don't want to, and it's borderline socially unacceptable now, and it's my standard way of compiling stuff in my head: I look at multiple sides and thought-experiment through them. Now you really have to do this quietly if you're doing this about politics or social issues, and keep it to yourself. But what is annoying is not being able to do this about very much of anything. You can't have a detached discussion anymore. About anything. EVERY possible topic has been overrun by emotionality and deep deep social and emotional *fraughtness* and its a grave social error to not respect this. Or worse - people read far more attachment and emotional investment into my discussions than I ever intended, because we have grown so unused to this style of engagement. (And even worse. I get flustered or animated during the discussion at any point, it becomes "well OBVIOUSLY you have deep feelings about this.")

There's someone I really enjoy talking to except they always read my "what ifs" as positions I'm married to instead of me throwing ideas around and analyzing from all sides, and getting upset at some of my ideas and feeling the need to strongly indicate they disagree, but I am not making any fixed statements so there's nothing to disagree or agree with or get mad at? They could just contribute by pointing out the downsides? Doesn't anyone want to have this kind of discussion?

Like. I understand the WHYs of all of this now, I'm not a social idiot. I wasted years of my life learning how to engage outside of old nerd culture. Part of my social game now is to simply not engage this way except on paper, out of the mouths of fictional characters, and or with the couple of people who really get it and won't misconstrue where I am coming from.

But it feels like we are in a new social space where the culture around conversation has changed and abstract, cerebral discussions and Socratic dialogs are much much harder to have.

But what if this IS how you like to engage? What if it's a love language? Worse, it's the way I normally think, meaning I have to run every thought I have through an updated Norms 2.0 compiler before speaking about anything non-superficial. It's so much more fraught now.

[heyovivi]

Okay back for one more post before the night ends!

I was just casually scrolling on TikTok where my fyp is just littered with Gwynriel content (because I’m just that obsessed) and user munchkin_readz introduced a new theory:

So first we have to take in the timeline of when Gwyn and Azriel’s first meeting which was after the events of ACOTAR and before/during the events of ACOMAF. On page 180 of ACOMAF the Inner Circle is talking when Rhys reveals that Azriel confirmed a disturbance at the memorial in Sangravah.

Passage: “All the slaughtering—the massacres at temples. You think it’s tied to this?”

“I know it’s tied to this. I didn’t want to tell you until I knew for certain. But Azriel confirmed they’d raided the memorial in Sangravah three days ago.”

Now this doesn’t mean that Azriel met Gwyn when Hybern raided the memorial, as memorials are signifiant landmarks/buildings dedicated to a specific event, so what memorial was in Sangravah that Hybern infiltrated? Obviously a memorial to remember the fall of the temple—either way this passage was on page 180 of ACOMAF, which means sometime before then is when Azriel met Gwyn during the raid.

Now I am also going to mention another theory that many people have already suspected and it is that for Gwyn the mate bond has already been enacted—though many speculate that because of what happened to her she hasn’t acted upon it yet, or in my own theory, she asked Rhysand to make her forget because at the time she couldn’t take the pressure of just being sexually assaulted and having a mate.

Anyways by now you’re all probably wondering what the hell the point to all this rambling is? Well my point is Azriel’s shadows! It’s obvious his shadows like Gwyn, they sing and dance in her presence, they get excited when she breathes—they probably know that Gwyn is his mate and are trying tell that to Azriel. But for Azriel that bond probably hadn’t snapped into place for him like it had Gwyn—let’s all remember it takes a while for these things to happen and that there are cases where for one mate it snaps and for the other it doesn’t (ex. Rhys and Feyre; Lucien and Elain) or sometimes it takes a long time for it to finally snap (Kallias and Vivienne)—so it’s not at all strange that on Azriel’s side it hasn’t happened yet. Although I want to bring forth that maybe the bond doesn’t snap unless that person is ready for it to snap.

I’ll explain. So in the case of Rhysand and Feyre, Rhys felt the bond set into place much faster than Feyre did—and I believe this is because he was emotionally available to do so. Feyre (keep in mind this is during ACOMAF) was still emotionally attached to Tamlin and felt guilty of the possibility of feeling things for Rhysand even after sending her letter and breaking off their engagement. It wasn’t until she reached a certain level of healing and detachment did she finally open herself to the bond so it could snap into place for her. And here is another example of a pairing that is not emotionally ready for the bond to snap into place: Lucien and Elain. Elain, as we all know, doesn’t acknowledge Lucien for shit and I believe this is because her previous love with Greyson and how she was just torn away from him, and also because of the trauma being Made. Elain isn’t emotionally ready to accept or acknowledge the bond while Lucien is, seeing how his lover, Jesminda, died decades before he met Elain and so he was able to use that time to heal and move on.

Now how does this relate to Azriel? Azriel doesn’t have emotional baggage? Well yes the fuck he does because he has been simping for Mor for the pass five-hundred years and I think in order for the bond to snap for him, he has to have that discussion with Mor so he can let her go and she can let him go. It is obvious that he is starting to move on but I don’t think he is going to fully move on until they have that conversation.

So continuing on (I am so sorry this is so long): Azriel’s shadows. So if we know that Azriel met Gwyn before he met Elain, because Azriel met Elain on page 243 of ACOMAF when he, Feyre, Rhysand, and Cassian went to the Archeron Estate in hopes to ask Nesta and Elain for help protecting those people on the other side of the wall, then it is obvious to why the shadows disappear around Elain. (Yes I know there are theories why they disappear around Elain but for right now we’re going to acknowledge munchkin-readz theories) The shadows are trying to say, “hey man, yeah you already met your mate, you don’t need this girl.” again they disappear around Elain and dance around Gwyn—like what other sign do you need to realize that Azriel and Gwyn’s story might not as easy as hero and damsel. So with all this being said we can conclude that the shadows not only recognize Gwyn for who she is but also have known her far longer than Elain which is why when they meet Elain or when they see signs of Azriel lusting for Elain they disappear because they don’t like those kind of reactions—they pull towards Gwyn.

Finally, one more argument I would like to plead my case: Rhysand’s hand in this. Now I’ve already mentioned before that I think that there is a chance Gwyn’s side of the bond snapped into place the moment Azriel saved her from the Hybern soldier back in Sangravah—but at that time she was just assaulted and probably couldn’t bare the thought of being intimate with anyone so it is a possibility that she could’ve asked Rhys to erase the memory of the bond snapping into place. Now I read back to ACOWAR when Rhys and Feyre discuss how the mate bond works as Feyre kind of notices how Azriel interacts with Elain. Rhys is pretty hush-hush about it and at first it just seems like he doesn’t want to get involved but what if the real reason is because he knows already Azriel has a mate—and because he knows how the mate bond works he is just waiting for both Gwyn and Azriel to be emotionally ready to accept the bond on their own time? Rhysand even goes as far to ask Feyre to try not to play “matchmaker” in hopes that the situation works out on it’s own but after Azriel’s bonus chapter is seems as though Rhysand is more invested than we are led to believe.

And finished! I wish I put as much effort into my college essays as I do here but oh well.

Tell me your thoughts!

Sincerely, Vivi

[padawanlost]

Hey there! First of all I wanna say that I love your blog 😊

If I may, I wanted to ask you something regarding the Jedi Code. What did it say exactly about love and family? From my understanding, they were forbidden to form attachments, yet one Jedi (can't remember the name) married and had several kids. So, as long as there was no love or risk of attachment, they could marry and/or have kids?

I'm so confused

Before anything else is said, we need some context. The Jedi Order is over 25000 years old, which means a lot of things changed over the years. what’s really important to keep in mind is that theirs rules were no set in stone. There’re multiple variations of the “Jedi Code”. Also, not every rule the Jedi had to live by were part of the Jedi Code. Some rules were more about tradition than the code itself. Because of that every generation of the Order has its own particularities. That’s why the Prequels Order was different from the Old Republic’s Order and that was different from New Republic’s Order.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about the prequel era Jedi.

1 – Jedi were NOT allowed to marry or reproduce (without the Council’s authorization):

“If anyone finds out that I’m expecting a child, I’ll be thrown out of the Jedi Order and I won’t be able to serve. I have to carry on. I can’t let the men down.” Skirata was furious. She felt it. She could see it, too. And if she thought that was bad, it would be nothing compared with how the Jedi Council would react. She’d be kicked out of the Order. She’d no longer be a general, no longer able to play her part in the war. [Karen Traviss’s Triple Zero]

2 – Jedi were allowed to have sex, but they were not allowed to have romantic relationships or to have any kind of emotional attachments to their sexual partners.

“Jedi Knights aren’t celibate. The thing that is forbidden is attachments and possessive relationships.” George Lucas.

“But ol’ Pellaeon’s just having a spot of romance, if you know what I mean. It’s not like he gets attached to any of them, is it? Is romance allowed? Can you have a spot of romance if you don’t get attached?” Ahsoka’s stripes became more vividly colored, embarrassed. Yes, she obviously did know what Coric meant by romance. It wasn’t the word he usually used for it, but Ahsoka was only a kid, and Rex had decided from the start that talking about that sort of thing was something best left to her Jedi Masters. Yes, General Skywalker, I think that’s a job for you, sir. It wasn’t a clone’s duty at all. “Romance,” Ahsoka said stiffly, “is acceptable. Jedi are not … celibate. Just … no attachment.” [No prisoners. Karen Traviss]

He felt his fingers fist. Don’t you lie. Not about this. Don’t you dare.  “You love her.” Monotonous blasterfire filled the silence between them. Then Obi-Wan nodded. “Yes, Anakin, I love her. But I was never in love. For a short while Taria and I needed each other. And when we no longer needed each other, we parted—and remained friends.” So that was how it worked, was it? Stay aloof, stay detached, never let yourself feel too much, too deeply, and the Order didn’t care? So if Padmé and I pretended we weren’t in love … [Karen Miller’s Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Siege]

3 – Jedi were not allowed to have contact with their biological families;

“After the Jedi Masters decided that it was too dangerous to train anyone familiar with fear, anger, and any other emotion that might lead to the dark side, it was agreed that Force-sensitive juveniles, adolescents, and adults would no longer be eligible for enlistment or conscription. Instead, they sought out and adopted Force-sensitive infants who would be raised and trained at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant; to prevent any emotional attachments that might cloud judgment, most recruits would never have any subsequent contact with their families.” [ Ryder’s Windham’s Jedi vs. Sith: The Essential Guide to the Force]

The entire baby Ludi case

Still no word from the Jedi Council about what happened at the Battle of Naboo. Watto is beside himself with fury, complaining that if I can spend a hundred credits to send a message, then the Jedi can spend a hundred credits to answer. It worries me that it’s taking them so long. Three days should be long enough to figure out whether you were at Naboo, and whether you’re still alive. […] Shmi seemed to believe that Watto genuinely missed the boy. Leia had trouble accepting this, but was forced to at least allow for the possibility when Shmi reported that Watto had actually made a gift to her of the ten credits she had borrowed to help pay for her message to the Jedi Council. […] An administrator on Coruscant had finally replied to Shmi’s ’Net message: Anakin was well, but the Jedi did not discuss the activities of their Padawans even with parents. Even that was enough to elate Shmi. [ Tatooine Ghost by Troy Denning]

4 - The love they were allowed to experience was nothing like how we experience love in real life:

Who wept their tears on the inside, where they would not be seen. To weep for a fallen comrade was to display unseemly attachment. A Jedi did not become attached to people, to things, to places, to any world or its inhabitants. A Jedi’s strength was fed by serenity. By distance. By loving impersonally. [Karen Miller. Wild Space]

It was impersonal. It wasn’t like loving your family or your friends. It was more compassion, than love (the kind of love that connects you to someone on a emotional level).

Instead, they sought out and adopted Force-sensitive infants who would be raised and trained at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant; to prevent any emotional attachments that might cloud judgment, most recruits would never have any subsequent contact with their families. [Ryder’s Windham’s Jedi vs. Sith: The Essential Guide to the Force]

“Not that Luminara is indifferent, but that Luminara is detached. It’s not that she doesn’t care, but she’s not attached to her emotionally. And at the end of the day, one of the questions that I guess I pose is, is that really a good thing? Is Anakin’s way of being so compassionate wrong? Because on a certain level, you have to accept that the Jedi lose the Clone War. So there is something that they’re doing that’s wrong.” Dave Filoni

Nobody asked the obvious—whether clone troopers were everyone else or not. Joc looked from Ahsoka to Rex and back again. “What’s wrong with attachment?” he asked. “Why can’t you have attachments? You mean love, right?” Ahsoka looked at the clones wide-eyed but in slight defocus, as if she was trying to recall something. “Love is acceptable,” she said at last. “But not attachment.” “What’s love if it isn’t attachment?” “Attachment is … putting personal relationships first, caring about the people you love so that it influences how you act.” Ahsoka seemed to be picking her words carefully. Coric stared back at her. “You know, it affects your judgment.” [ No prisoners by Karen Traviss]

5 - The exceptions:

There were some exception to these rules, most of them happening during a different time (Old and New Republic Eras). However, there’s one notable exception all the rules above during the prequels: Ki-Adi-Mundi. Unlike most Jedi he was allowed to marry multiple wives and have multiple children and still remain a jedi. They allowed it because he belonged to an endangered species, so him being in a polygamous relationship was part of the greater good. Fun fact, he was emotionally attachment to some members of his biological family.

[thelovelyghostwriter]

Some of my favourite female characters in fiction

This list is not exhaustive and while I do have other characters that I find charming and that I love, I have noted these characters because in my opinion, they have struggled and/or there is a certain analysis to their personalities. 

Please take note that some of the characters are not morally good or have done questionable actions. This is not to discuss or say they are role models, but rather to write up what they represented, their role in the story or simply their personalities. I’m not here to justify the character’s actions.

Remember that a well-written characters do not have to be morally good. 

Also, a lot of them are from memory and the analysis aren’t well-structured. 

Let’s dive in:

1. Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby

Daisy, in my opinion, is incredibly misunderstood and unjustifiably hated among the readers. Her betrayal to Gatsby is indeed vile and it did upset me, I definitely think that she is materialistic, shallow and hurtful.  

“I hope she’ll be a fool—that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”

Daisy did shit on Gatsby [trying to avoid spoilers here].  

However, I do like to note that I think part of her materialism and shallowness is because of how women were in the 1920s. They did not have any freedom or agency. To Tom, she seems to be a trophy wife for him to keep; and to Gatsby, he only liked the idea of her, he wasn’t in love with her. To everyone around her, she was an item, a beautiful doll to be possessed, rather than a person. I think that’s why she turned out like that. 

She's materialistic because men around her sees her as an object. Nonetheless, Daisy is still “careless” and hurtful; and I think this stemmed from the life she had led that were a compilation of choices that were made for her. Her betrayal towards Gatsby is what makes her character rather disappointing to most readers. The whiteness in her dress as described in her first appearance? It’s not innocence, but rather a void and jadedness. 

2. Neon Nostrade from Hunter x Hunter

Yet, another girl in our list that loves to be hated by the fandom. Though honestly, most of her haters are Chrollo and Kurapika stans who gets jealous because Chrollo got to hang out with her and Kurapika works under her. Also her repulsive hobby - although this is actually what makes me like her. 

I have addressed this in my other posts before, but let me just copy and paste them (and modify a bit):  Her upbringing and exploitation by her dad makes her materialistic and emotionally detached. This materialism and detachment is manifested in the form of her hobby as a dead body parts collector. But other than that, she’s really a normal girl, just sheltered and spoilt. The money she spends are even from her talent Lovely Ghostwriter, her father will be nothing without her. So I don’t see an issue with her spending them on shopping etc. 

In fact, I would argue that she bathes in materialism to fill the emptiness that she has. Her father is more concerned with her ability and power, she has no friends and is guarded 24/7 by employees.

All the times she threw tantrums and the way she talks… it’s a different speech pattern altogether when she interacts with Chrollo - which may suggest that the whole spoilt attitude is exaggerated to gain attention from a father who is indulgent in terms of material gifts, but not in terms of affection and time for her.

When Eliza cried, she was willing to forgo bidding the auction physically. Yes she did not care about the bodyguards because she is more focused on the living and the present (Eliza) than the dead.

The reason why she didn’t seem fazed when Dalzollene and the others died is because a) they were her bodyguards, it’s their job to put their life on the line to protect her, b) she mentioned to Chrollo that her fortune-telling is for the living, she likes to live in the present and doesn’t believe in the afterlife.

Neon is more focused on who is alive, rather than the dead (which also represented by her hobby of dead body parts collecting). She focuses on the present, unlike her clients who likes to know their future or people who dwell in the past. Kurapika on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He dwells on the past and likes to focus on his dead clan rather than the present times with his friends (which is completely understandable).

Another significance is that her fortune-telling ability is very useful and helpful, she says that she wanted to make people happy with it; but however, it is commercialized and used as a means of power (knowledge of the future = power) by her father and pretty much everyone around her. Just like how she objectifies dead people by collecting their parts, the people around her sees her as a tool due to her fortune-telling abilities, rather than see her as a person. Even Kurapika chose to get employed under her, for his own agenda (he is bound to meet dead body parts collectors at some point). 

She treats people like objects because people see her as one.

Of course, collecting dead body parts is a pretty fucked hobby; but what she represents and her role as a minor character is what makes her an outstanding minor female character in the show. 

Yes. She has traits that are not your typical role model, but neither are other hxh characters. She’s not independent, naive, can’t fight, in need of saving, uncaring at times and spoilt. She is far from so-called “strong female character” that we often look up to. She is a character with bad traits which is a result of being a victim. But that’s what makes me love her as a character in hxh. It reminds us that there are girls out there who has lack of freedom and control over their own fate; and their only way out is through materialism and detaching themselves from people. 

In fact, she might be even relateable to some people more than other female characters because there is vulnerability in her character.

3. Hua Mulan (Mostly the Chinese 2009 film, though the most well-known is the Disney 1998 animated film)

There has been various adaptations for this character, with the Disney Animated version being the most prominent.

However, my favourite one is definitely the Chinese film Hua Mulan: Rise of A Warrior (2009). It portrays the horrors of war and the suffering it brings, nationalism, camaraderie among the army - all while giving us the admirable Mulan climbing up to the ranks of being a war general.

I highly recommend this adaptation. I know the Disney Live Action 2020 version did not receive good reception, and we honestly did not need one because this 2009 Chinese film does the job well (I like their soundtrack though). It's not really well-known because it's a Chinese film (which is hella ironic because Hua Mulan is a Chinese character? Lmao).

"Today we will stain the battlefield with our blood. Behind us is our homeland. If we have to bleed out our last drop of blood, if we have to become bleached bones in this desert, we must defend it to the death! We must let the Rourans know we Wei warriors will never surrender and will never compromise! Soldiers may rebel against me, generals may leave me for dead, but I, Hua Mulan, will never betray my country!"

Generally, I either have an issue with strong female characters because they are just shallow (meaning they are only physically strong, often viewing rudeness, misandry and independence as strength). I like female characters who are so much more to that.

Mulan, in this film, not only showed her badassery in fighting the war for more than a decade, but we also see how much she struggled. Everytime her comrades die, her heart gets broken. Yet she has to learn how to pick herself up and become the leader that they need. She dislikes war, she dislikes the bloodshed; yet she fights for her country.

To me, a strong female character is not just a feminist icon or someone who can fight. In fact, a female character doesn't need to be someone capable of fighting, what makes her strong is to be able to overcome turbulence with determination.

I think this is something that is lacking in recent "strong female characters" - showing us their strength through perseverance.

As for the Disney's counterpart (talking about the 1998 film here), it is less morbid but we also see her trying her best to make her family proud and protect her country. Like the song Reflection and Loyal, Brave and True, she struggles with finding her purpose and her role in her family.

"The greatest gift of honour, is having you for a daughter."

4. Blanche Dubois from A Streetcar Named Desire

It's been years since I had analysed Blanche, but among all the 6 books that I had to study for English Literature, A Streetcar Named Desire has been my absolute favourite.

I think what struck me in this book is not just the style, but Blanche's vulnerability. Her actions are definitely not morally good: she misrepresents things, she lies, she even had sex with an underage student. She's paranoid, mentally unstable and prissy. Which was why, her polar opposite character, Stanley, is so annoyed with her.

After her husband's suicide, we see Blanche relying on the company of men to fill the void of her loneliness and misery. She is also concerned about her beauty fading with age - I find that highly reliable. It sounds incredibly "vain", but beauty does play a part.

Based on Evolutionary and Mating Theories among humans, appearance in women are especially important (also for men but not as much as women). Of course, there are other factors and traits that people find attractive, but Blanche's concern is valid here. She needs to find a husband to escape from her financial troubles; and her age, beauty and chastity plays a huge factor in her search for getting a man in the setting she was in (which was Mitch in this case). Ironically, these are the very traits that she has "lost" and so desperately tries to hide it.

Her ending is truly a devastating and upsetting one. [Will not talk about it due to spoilers]

"I've always depended on the kindness of strangers."

5. Haibara Ai/Shiho Miyano from Detective Conan

Perhaps one of the girls that is a wasted potential. In a series where the characters are mostly flat, she's arguably the most multi-faceted (but somehow I had heard that she no longer has the same complexity as she used to have - it's been a while since I followed this series).

But I remember absolutely loving this character.

Her background story is really unique in the show and one that is embedded within the Black Organisation plotline (why her character was dropped... Forever frustrating for me).

From the moment she was first introduced, we see Conan taking an immediate distrust towards her. A guy who is a detective who had been catching criminals - yet one ex-syndicate member stands before him. The one that actually helped to develop the APTX4869 that changed his life.

Yet, we see that it wasn't entirely within her control. Both her parents were syndicate members and when her sister tries to get both of them to leave, her sister dies.

Ai starts off as seemingly cold, pessimistic and avoidant. But as her arc goes on, the iceberg around her melts. We see her quirky sarcastic replies, her taste for fashion and she genuinely desires to be happy. Her relationship with Conan developed into a beautiful one - to the point where Conan trusts her with anything and they would risk their lives for one another.

Yet, we also empathies with her impending jealousy and heartache. The boy she has fallen for already has someone else. What's more, the girl is genuinely kind and is a splitting image of her sister. After Ran saved her from Vermouth, she quickly warms up to Ran as well.

She's also the key to developing the antidote for Shinichi to be back with Ran - an almost painful metaphor for her to give him away (he never belonged to her in the first place). Yet, she doesn't really stop them from being together (even though in some cases she appears jealous or phrase ShinRan's reunion as a word of caution).

I definitely think she is the most compelling character in Detective Conan because of her character development and the struggles she faces. It's definitely upsetting that her character has been neglected.

“Don’t judge people from the outside. Like any rose has thorns, the more the person appears nice on the outside, the more you should doubt the inside.”

6. Misato Katsuragi from Neon Genesis Evangelion

Who is the best female character in Eva? Asuka or Rei? My answer will always be Misato, Risato is a close second (I wanted to analyse Risato, but I’m trying to keep it to one person per series). Misato is one of the 90s anime babes. She definitely captivated many people’s heart. 

I must say though, I have a soft spot towards female characters who has some sort of daddy issues (why I like Neon Nostrade). It’s been a while since I had watched Eva, but I’m going to try to remember why I like her. 

I think the concept of Hedgehog’s Dilemma has been echoed throughout the series, and all the characters seem to struggle with emotional attachment towards people. I actually like to phrase the Hedgehog Dilemma as “Avoidant-Fearful Attachment Style” - wanting connection with people, yet not being able to do so out of fear of being hurt. 

For Misato, when I initially first watched Eva, I compared her a little to Blanche Dubois in how they cope with loneliness - their sexuality. I remember being confused with her interactions with Shinji, who was half her age. At times, she serves as his guardian/mother figure; but at some moments (I think it was sometimes after Kaji’s death), she tried to seek comfort with Shinji by attempting to initiate sex (which Shinji rejects). I remember coming across a comment somewhere that Shinji and Misato’s relationship is somewhat like Humbert and Dolores (from Lolita) - can’t comment on this as I only read the first chapter of the book. 

It makes me think that she uses sex as a way to cope and the only way she can connect with people (and it’s superficial), which doesn’t work for Shinji because she needs to be her guardian (and ultimately fails to be purely his guardian once she crossed that no-no boundary). 

Another thing to note was her backstory about her dad. There seems to be a dissonance, given that she resented her dad for not spending time with her due to his work, but he ended up sacrificing her life for her. I do think it’s a bit of guilt (because resenting her dad but he saves her - these two contradicts one another). It’s clear that her issues to connect stems from her backstory regarding her father. 

It’s interesting how she compares Kaji to her father. I do think she loves Kaji, but “reminds him too much of her father” (as to put it simply). There is this... stereotype that we find someone similar to our opposite-gender parents, no matter how shitty they were towards us. I believe that it is because we tend to stick to something that is familiar to us, even if those type of people aren’t good for us (I think to break this cycle is to practise self-awareness and know what is good for us). 

Anyway, Misato is a character that I really liked (as all the characters in Eva) because they highlight Hedgehog’s Dilemma that stemmed from their parental issues. Maybe I have not watched a lot of anime, but female characters with issues with their fathers are not as explored deeply as male characters and their parental issues. A lot of times, female characters (especially in shounen) serves as a romantic interest and yes they can have really sad backstory, but not issues towards their father and how it affects their relationship with other people. So far, the only ones I had seen is Mukuro (Yu Yu Hakusho), Misato and Neon Nostrade. 

7. Disney's Cinderella

First of all, she has been a victim of abuse since she was a child. It's not easy for her to escape her predicament. Where can she go? It's not that easy.

Boy. I hate how much people remember Cinderella wrongly and attack her for being "backwards", which is actually factually wrong.

Cinderella always get flack for using the Prince to "escape" her predicament when "she can do it herself".

I say that's bullshit. I actually came across a youtube video: Cinderella Stop Blaming the Victim [please check it out for more in-depth analysis]

Despite all that, she's doesn't internalize it. She knows she doesn't deserve to be treated this way, and she does to a certain degree stand up to them (whenever the cat makes her tasks harder). She knows when to fight back and restrain herself because it might endanger her life.

After years of suffering in this domestic household, she remains kind, compassionate and hopeful. Which is not an easy feat. The problem is, these traits are often seen as feminine and synonymous with being weak. But it is actually, in fact, signs of strength. The mental fortitude she has to remain kind after all she went through is a sign of strength.

The Fairy Godmother only appeared when she was losing hope - take note that she ends up crying because her stepsisters tore her mother’s dress (which is the most disturbing scene in the film). 

Even I had remembered this wrongly - one crucial fact is that... She did not want to go the ball to nab the Prince. That was her stepsisters. Homegirl just wanted to chill. She did not even know she was dancing with the Prince!

When Lady Tremaine locked her up to prevent her from reaching the Prince, it wasn’t the Prince that saved her. She and her animal friends got her out of the room, and proceeded to prove that she was indeed the maiden that had danced with the Prince. Her marrying the Prince was only a fitting end to her because it provides her a home and an escape from an abusive household; however, it was her resilience for holding onto fate and being mentally strong, and her initiatives partially contributed to her happy end. The Prince is more like a passive character. 

I highly think that people tend to brush her traits - e.g. compassion, having fate, being kind is listed as feminine. However, it is far from being weak, which most people would deem it as. But that is definitely not true. 

“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish can come true.”

8. Mikasa Ackerman from Attack on Titan

Mikasa is either a hit or miss among AOT fans. Some people like Mikasa because she is physically strong and her loyalty to Eren is admirable. On the other hand, some people think she’s clingy and her being physically strong makes her a Mary Sue. 

Whether or not you like Mikasa, there is a fact that she is not a Mary Sue. The definition of a Mary Sue is a female character lacking in weakness and seems perfect. 

She is physically strong, yes - I believe that Isayama wanted to distribute traits to the trio. Even Hannes has said it in S1. Armin represents intellect, Eren represents grit and Mikasa represents strength. So her being physically strong makes sense, and Isayama also provided an explanation for it (being an Ackerman). 

However, this does not mean she lacks any weakness. Arguably, her loyalty to Eren is both a liability and her strength. This “weakness” has been highlighted by her dilemma between her loyalty towards Eren and her belief that mass genocide is wrong.

[I won’t go into details about the manga parts that have not been animated as of 2021, can’t spoil it too much]. 

[sunder-soul]

OK WOWWW

I've been meaning to write again, and I agree with you on your opinion of Tom. Personally, after researching on psychopaths a fair bit (for one of my own OCs), I feel that—at surface level—Tom can be classified as one. But nevermind that now, bc I absolutely LOVE the way you write him.

Which brings me to...

WHITE DOVE O.M.G.

KING YOU ARE A BLOODY GENIUS ISTG. Part 6 was so damn well written. Like hOw?? I can't even properly write while sober, never mind drunk. You are so so talented, and I can't wait for the next fic you post (and maybe(?) a sequel?? )

The imagery of Tom just pleading and breaking down was just... pure fucking perfection (and I mean that in the best way possible lol). Keep writing King! You're amazing at it that's for sure. :)

Two-part super long response discussing Tom Riddle and psychopathy beneath the line!!!!

But also omg thank u for your lovely compliments on white dove, I really really loved writing that series so it's super gratifying to get all the positive feedback!!!! Hell yeah I'm geared for a sequel and it's just absolutely full of my fave fanfic tropes I am ready to self-indulge once more.

Pt. 1. I don't see any issue with headcanoning Tom as having a sociopathy/psychopathy personality disorder, I just really dislike when people don't do what you have done and don't actually research what that actually means. I think general media has been 'fascinated' by 'psychopaths' for the last few decades and have created a really weird cultural conceptualisation of what someone with that disorder looks like/acts like.

People will have Tom committing genuinely horrific acts of violence for his own pleasure, fucking with people for fun, and engaging in lots of different taboo kinks and then explain it by simply being like 'he's a psychopath' and it's like oh... 😬

Idk I find that specific trope lazy in terms of story-telling, shallow in terms of character interpretation, and damaging in terms of real-life consequences for normal ass people with personality disorders.

Pt. 2. All that being said, I (personally) disagree with you in terms of Tom being able to be classified psychopathic!

I'm aware that some people distinguish between 'primary' psychopaths (those with genetic predisposition) and 'secondary' psychopaths (those who develop the disorder from environmental factors, sometimes called sociopaths) though it should be noted that this distinction isn't really agreed upon across the field and is under debate lol. But I feel the need to address both since I'll probs get anons "calling me out" me if I don't haha.

Premeditation before acts of violence, severely diminished emotional responses, and a lack of anxiety are traits characterised to primary psychopathy, and at first glance I can kind of see a case for Tom here. But... some of Tom's/Voldemort's biggest character beats revolve around him being impulsive, hyper-emotional, and extremely reactionary (like just killing an entire room of his own followers and goblins after finding out Harry knows abt the Horcruxes, or freaking out about the prophecy and murdering the Potters for that matter, or even duelling with Dumbledore in the Ministry etc. etc.).

Like I know he can be super calculating and set up long-arching plans and shit, but I've never really read Tom as being that 'premeditated' in what he does. He's ambitious, yeah, but to me I see him setting his eyes on a goal and doing everything he possibly can to reach that goal in a sort of perfectionist-driven, covetous desperation where if he just pushes long enough and hard enough and far enough, he'll prove that he can do fucking anything and everything in spite of everyone else and fuck everyone who said he couldn't - rather than this detached, cool, logical premeditative flow-chart of decisions.

On the other hand, the reasoning behind Tom having secondary psychopathy reads as more logical for the character for me - being an orphan in war-time England and having to essentially self-prioritise to the absolute extreme to survive could all be strong environmental stressors that would result in learned lack of empathy. Crimes committed by those with secondary psychopathy are also (apparently) more emotionally driven, more reactionary, and more impulsive. But.... Tom does still set up these long-arching plans, ya know? He's not acting solely on impulse, and he's also still very emotional outside of his acts of violence. Plus he's also never struck me as particularly anxious (which is a trait often used to distinguish secondary psychopathy). He's both impulsive and premeditated at times, just like how most ppl act both impulsively and premeditated at times.

The point I'm trying to make, lol, is that I think it's a misread of the character to consider him 'unemotional' or detached from others bc I've always thought of him as like the most extremely emotional character in the whole series. Canon demonstrates him to be highly emotional but just very very controlled/performative most of the time. He's shown to have bouts of hugely expressive rage, and he acts very vindictively which suggesting he takes things super personally, but he's mostly able to hide these emotions around people he doesn't trust. This might make him manipulative but it does not make him psychopathic/sociopathic.

In summary, I don't read Tom as having a personality disorder, I read him as being selfish, jealous, emotional, egotistical, covetous, self-aggrandising, suspicious, and manipulative. He's a dick, your honour.

[feelingunfulfilled]

Well I just spend a good amount of time lying in the dark on the floor next to my cat, while also crying and almost sobbing out loud. But it was in that weird depressed way of crying. Like aftershock before the catastrophic event even happens. Where if I took the time to think deeply about it, I would bawl. But if I looked at my surroundings, I would instantly stop crying and feel nothing again. Almost as though the crying never happened

I remember hearing about that kind of on-and-off grief in one of doodlevloggle’s videos on YouTube. I think she discussed it briefly in “yeah ow (sept)”. But I’ve never experienced it before until now. Perhaps it’s a sign that my depression might be more that moderate at this point…

According to this source I found, the lack of feeling emotions (mainly that of happinesses) is called social anhedonia? Often associated with depression, social anhedonia causes a lack of ability to feel pleasure when engaging in social interactions. You often feel the need to fake emotions, since your feeling of enjoyment is unresponsive/diminished. This often results in social withdraw and lack of care for your loved ones. That would explain why I feel so detached from emotions and social situations, finding myself zoning out all the time. But I’m not sure if that term is dated or not. And it doesn’t have any correlation to the on-and-off crying, so I’m still not sure what that’s about

But this isn’t mean to be about depression terms. This is about spending time with my cat. Maybe the final moments I’ll get to have with her aside from the brief moments tomorrow. Yesterday I was able to get her to purr again when I pet her, but tonight she was silent. It’s unreal how quiet she’s become, when just last month she was still her talkative self. I don’t understand how things changed so quickly, and why my parents faced such sudden urgency with putting her down. They say it’s because (even though we received medication for Nia last week, so we haven’t even given it enough time to determine if the effects work in the long run) the medication only helps numb her pain rather then help her get better. It’s not going to help heal her, and her condition has already debilitated her and can’t be reversed or stopped from growing. I don’t think I’ve come to terms with that idea, what do you mean we are just giving up on her? I know logically it makes sense to put her down before things get worse and the pain becomes unbearable, but…I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up on the chances she could recover (even though it’s impossible with her tumors)

As I’m writing this its getting late, but I don’t want to go to sleep. Because that means I’ll wake up to see tomorrow. When my cat (Nia) will be put to sleep. And I’ll have to bear witness to it. And I’ll most likely feel nothing…and that would kill me internally. I’ve been so disconnected from this situation ever since the news plagued me last week. And I don’t like how unemotional I am about this terrible situation. I should be feeling terrible. But I’m not. Even though I grew up with this cat, even though her brother already died so now that she’s gone we won’t have anymore cats around. She’s the only sister I’ll ever have. And yet….I don’t feel like I’m feeling anymore or any less then I did weeks prior. It makes me seem as though I’m being dismissive to the severity of the situation. I’m NOT TRYING to be. If I could, I would choose to feel all the sadness and pain that comes with experiencing death. Even though it’s awful to feel those things, at least I’d know I actually care. That her death holds significance to me. Maybe then I wouldn’t think I’m so cold or emotionally broken

I want her to know I love her, and that I will miss her. I want my family to recognize that I share their grief. But if I don’t shed any tears, or feel sad for days on end, how can they know? The last thing I want is for my Dad to question me about it. Ask stupid things like “don’t you feel bad about it?” when that’s a given already. I know he doesn’t mean ill by phrasing words like that. But last week, he wouldn’t stop shoving the older photos of Nia in my face and saying “this is how she looked in her prime” when he knows I was THERE. I already know that she has been suffering recently. I know she was in better health when she was younger. It’s almost like he thinks I have a terrible memory and forgot about it?? I know that my attentiveness has been lacking because depression, but that doesn’t mean I have a faulty memory. It seems like, by mentioning Nia’s condition over and over, he wants an emotional reaction out of me…some acknowledgment or confrontation that I feel sad about it. Or perhaps it’s just his own way of grieving and coming to terms with how things are in the present. I know it must be really hard for him, being reminded of Niko’s passing while also loosing Nia. Both of them had tumors which spread throughout their bodies. And now Nia is going to be put to sleep tomorrow as well. But at least this time, we will be there for when she passes. I’m terrified if witnessing her go limp and stop breathing. This is the first time I’ve witnessed death in person, despite having been surrounded by it in the past

And I hate how I’m making this all about me and my parents rather then Nia. The center of all of this. Maybe later on I will write a proper memoir/tribute to her life, and give her death the significance, compassion, and respect deserved. While remembering her life and reminiscing on how many memories we shared. But as of now I don’t know what the proper corse of action is. I still haven’t even written a proper goodbye for my cousins passing. I don’t know if I’d be able to write such an emotionally charged tribute without lacking. I get that it’s the thought that counts, but even so, I don’t want to be doing it for the sake of doing it. I want it to come from genuine heart and give myself time to compose my thoughts in a meaningful way. So most likely I’ll hold off from it

It makes me somewhat anxious how I’m only a few more hours away from tomorrow. Only a few more hours away from a final goodbye. And still, even after writing all of this, even after crying on the floor next to Nia and petting her fur, I remain unmoved. Resistant to accepting reality. So detached from the situation that I don’t know how I’m meant to react. I’m scared. Terrified even. None of this feels real. I hate goodbyes. I hate how incomplete all of this feels. And yet again, I made it about me. Fuck