#and it's going to be a lot of me gaslighting myself into believing 'they never dated idk what you're talking about'

[ronancebyler]

gonna rewatch st for spooky season, be ready for reactions

[juniestar]

Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE

[andivmg]

My experience with Luke (Punz)

CW: toxic relationship, racism, dubious consent

I know in the past i said that i would no longer speak about him publicly, and when talking about my experiences with abuse and emotional mistreatment i begged to keep it anonymous but after reflecting on this for a week and seeing so many incredibly smart and strong women tell their stories. they have given me the strength to say his name.

this is really scary to talk about because of the copious levels of harassment i have received from his fans in the past so if this spreads or gets out of hand i will simply log off.

If you read my last post, i nicknamed him 1.

So aside from everything i said there, there were a lot of things i didn’t include because they would’ve made it obvious that it was him and it could potentially backfire on me so, i’m very afraid to post this. but i’m going to do it scared anyway, because it’s not fair that he gets to just go and live his life worry-free as if he didn’t practically ruin mine.

Because I already made a very lengthy post about him, i won’t include everything i said last time to avoid being redundant but if i repeat myself, please bear with me.

In our year long relationship i had to endure emotional neglect, gaslighting, verbal abuse, one instance where there was dubious consent, and much more.

Starting off at the beginning of our relationship, that’s when i was getting copious amounts of hate and harassment from his fan base (warranted or not), he decided that our relationship must be kept private. he said it was to “protect” me from his fanbase when in reality it was to protect himself. it was so he wouldn’t get all the backlash i was getting. this is funny because one of the things i got called out for was saying the B slur (derogatory term used against mexicans/latinos). I won’t get into the nuances of if i could say it or not as a puertorican because that’s discourse that does not pertain to this specific situation. But you know who definitely can’t say it? A white boy from Massachusetts. When i was getting cancelled for this and getting thousands of tweets calling me names, he decided that was the perfect time to say “I mean you are a b***** aren’t you? my little b*****.” Now, he said this completely unprompted. I was in the process of writing my apology and he just said that. I tell you this because i immediately shut him down and told him that there was no universe in which it was okay for him to say that word and especially not one where he could just call me that. While i was reprimanding him, he was smiling and laughing. he apparently found it amusing to call me a slur. regardless, he gave me a half-assed apology and said he wouldn’t do it again. and he didn’t. but this wasn’t the only time he was weirdly racist to me. this was my first time being in an interracial relationship so i was led to believe that this was normal by all the white people around me at the time. But, sometimes my spanish accent would come out and he would make fun of me and the way i pronounced some words. He also refused to visit me in Puerto Rico when i lived there or come meet my family when i really wanted him to because he “didn’t like the heat” or “it’s dangerous there isn’t it?”. Once, while we were watching season 2 of Bridgerton, he implied that the Sharma sisters were “too dark” for him to be attracted to them. This hurt me because they are brown skinned girls. I am a brown skinned girl. Then this, combined with the fact that he told me once he wasn’t attracted to me made me feel like my skin color was unattractive. These are only a few examples i can think of at the moment, but i’m sure there were more. Our relationship ended in 2022 so some of my memory is a bit hazy. But, I do remember feeling inferior to him throughout the relationship because he was white and I was not. I chalk that up to all the micro aggressions i had to deal with because i had never felt that way around white people before.

Another thing i had to endure was him constantly making me feel like he was embarrassed to be with me. Because i was cancelled, he didn’t want to associate with me too much. He did defend me on multiple occasions, I’ll give him that. But, he only did it because his name was getting dragged in the mud along with mine. Excusing my actions made him look better for being around me. In reality he didn’t really care. Because he was such a big content creator and someone i looked up to professionally, I took his advice as law. He told me to tone down my personality, to keep a low profile, to change things about myself to be more palatable to his audience. The same audience that spoke about me like “The pussy can’t be that good punz please stop defending her”. So i changed a lot of things about myself and my content to better suit what his audience liked. He made me feel like if his audience liked me, he would be public about our relationship and stop hiding it. He told me the reason why he wanted to keep our relationship a secret was because he didn’t want to get hate for it. But this wasn’t true. On my 20th birthday he went to Las Vegas for a twitch rivals event. That night i asked to facetime him to say goodnight and he refused because he was at a hotel room with his friends and he didn’t want them to know that we were together. It was as if my mere presence or the utterance of my name was a source of embarrassment for him. And he didn’t let me forget it. It wasn’t just a public thing at that point. He didn’t want people to know we were together, period. This was devastating to me because I would talk to all my friends about him. I was so proud to be with him and I was just one more problem to him. He made me feel so small and insignificant just because his fans didn’t like me.

He would berate me a lot. Not just due to getting heat online, although he did do that a lot. But in general whenever we would get into an argument or a disagreement he would always call me names like annoying or weird or stupid. He would raise his voice at me if i did something he didn’t like and call me an idiot. And that really hurt, i felt like i couldn’t bring up anything or do anything without getting insulted. If I hadn’t seen him in a few days because he was too busy streaming and i asked to hang out he would call me needy, clingy, and annoying. Granted, he might not have been wrong, but that is not something you say to someone you claim to love. He also insulted me when i was in depressive episodes. I have BPD and at the time i was not being treated properly for it. So, I was all over the place emotionally and he was what i clung to for validation, reassurance, and love. I talked to him when we first started dating about my disorder and told him that if it seemed like something he couldn’t handle that he could opt out of the relationship. I guess he didn’t think it was that bad or something idk because whenever i had really bad depressive episodes, he would tell me I was too sad to hang out with. He said that my sadness was a burden to him. Which would be fair. But, once my mother had a conversation with him about me. She told him that i am someone who needs a lot of love and caring. She said that if he wasn’t willing to put in that kind of effort into a relationship to just leave me alone. He reassured her that he would be there for me no matter what. He told my mother that he would protect me and my heart. He did not. He took all the warnings I gave him and ignored them and then made me feel like I was the problem. And even worse, he would say that i was pretending to be sad to get his attention when he would neglect for days at a time.

There were also some smaller things like the fact that he made me feel really guilty whenever he would spend money on me. Also, he would be really mean about my eating habits. For context, i used to suffer from an eating disorder. I was anorexic and had a really unhealthy relationship with food during high school and my first year of uni. This relationship began when i was recovering from my ED. For me, eating was really hard. So i had certain comfort foods that, while sometimes unhealthy, at least it was something to eat when i didn’t feel like eating anything. He knew this. Yet, whenever i would crave some of these foods he would call me fat. Constantly told me I’d gain weight from eating all that junk food. Saying that to someone with an eating disorder is crazy. Other smaller things were that whenever I would post tiktoks where i was lip syncing or just looking good he would yell at me and say i was looking for attention. Same with Instagram or Twitter whenever i would post photos where I looked hot. He never planned out a single date for us. I would beg him to get me flowers and he did maybe once but i’ll get into that in a bit. He would make fun of me in front of his friends to make himself look better. He let his friends say really degrading things about me in his presence. For example, once when i was showering, i overheard him on a discord call with George and Sapnap and i heard George say “if you don’t go in the shower and have sex with Andi, i will”. Once, when i was really struggling with my legs (for those of you who don’t know, i have arthritis and it’s very painful. at the time i wasn’t diagnosed but i was in a lot of pain) I literally could not walk. I had to beg him to take me to the ER because i didn’t know what was wrong with me. He didn’t want to take me but eventually i convinced him, and while we were there all he did was complain about how long it was taking and that he would have rather been at home streaming. Whenever I would talk about my interests that i was excited about like shows or books he would be incredibly uninterested and say that those things were stupid and he didn’t want to hear about them. I know all of these seem very silly or superficial but cumulatively it was awful.

Now for arguably the most serious thing i’m going to talk about. I want to preface this by saying i am just telling my side of what happened. You can come to your own conclusions about this.

On April 25, 2022 it was our one year anniversary, and i had made a dinner reservation for us. I expected him to plan something throughout the day for us to do. He told me he was going to spend the whole day playing Valorant so I got upset and cancelled the reservation. After a very heated argument, we calmed down and i asked him to come over. He came over about an hour later with flowers and drinks (I was 20 at the time so I couldn’t buy the drinks myself). He brought Smirnoffs and Trulys. For context, I am a lightweight. I always have been. I literally get tipsy on half a cocktail. And that day, I hadn’t eaten anything because i was in distress over our argument. So we get to talking and drinking. I blacked out after my second Smirnoff. Apparently I drank 3 but I genuinely cannot remember anything after finishing the second one. The next morning i woke up naked in my bed. I woke him up and asked him “Luke, why am I naked?” and he said “Because you didn’t want to put your clothes back on.” When I clarified to him that that was not what I meant, he got defensive and said that he didn’t realize how drunk I was. He proceeded to tell me that I initiated sex with him and that i was very enthusiastic about it. He said he didn’t know i could black out on three smirnoffs. He made fun of me for being a lightweight and continued to make light of the situation. Then he mentioned that i fell off the bed at some point in the night and that it was funny how drunk I was. I then questioned him. Because if he thought that me tripping and falling off the bed because i was so drunk was funny, how did he not know that i was too drunk? He responded by saying that i fell off the bed only after we were done. That day I broke up with him. I’m still really confused about what happened that night. I don’t remember anything and all I have to go on is what he said to me. We were in a relationship at the time and he says he didn’t know how drunk I was so I’m not sure what to call what happened. A while after that day, his friend that hmu while we were broken up and I started talking again and i confided in him about that night. He told me to be careful saying things like that because they could get me into trouble. I spoke to some of our other friends about it and they told me it was no big deal and that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know how drunk I really was. Because I don’t remember, I have been led to believe that this is not a serious matter. You can think what you want, come to whatever conclusions you want. That is just my side of the story.

I want to add that I’m not proud of how I acted after the relationship ended. I felt really angry at all the shit he put me through and I guess a part of me wanted him to hurt even a quarter of how I did. So I started talking to his friend and got involved with him. This backfired on me because his friend ended up really hurting me too so ig i got my karma. But the thing that hurt the most is that because of what I did, some of our friends took his side in the break up. I was told that I did something terrible by getting involved with his friend that he was already insecure about and that he didn’t deserve that. These are the same friends who were witness to the dumpster fire of a relationship we had and all the things he did to me. They turned their backs on me because of this one thing I did. But stood by and watched as he treated me like garbage for over a year.

I will conclude this by saying that while this relationship has been “over and done with” for almost two years now, I carry a lot of trauma from it still. I still talk about him in therapy and have had to put in a lot of work to heal from what he did and i still cannot say that i am okay. I am very blessed to now have a patient and understanding partner who has helped me heal from that trauma and i just want to quickly thank him for that. Nobody deserves to go through what I did. While yes, it was a toxic relationship, and I had a part in that, it does not excuse all the awful things he said and did to me. This is my truth, thank you for taking the time to read it.

[ririblogsss]

ok y'all hear me out just a second

what if Danny does the gaslight, girlboss, gatekeep thing into getting into the JL.

Like one day he starts going to meeting and adding himself to mission plans, and whenever someone slightly mentions it being weird he just responds something akin to 'Omg just because i'm a ghost doesn't mean you don't see me and forget about me. Honestly Im so hurt. And to think I was planning tour birthday party' and he just up plays up the dramatics putting his hand to his chest to faint hurt.

And it's not until YEARS later when Danny has seamlessly integrated himself into the JL that someone (could be Red Robin ) decides he wants to learn more about him and does a deep dive.

And Danny corners him one day and tells them "I invited myself in, I was never invited into the JL"

And the other person was like "why are you telling me this"

And Danny just says "cause no one will ever believe you" walking backwards and doing the horrible doll eye stare.

Ps: Batman, SM and WW, already knew about it. I mean lets face it Batman would know instantly when someone unauthorized entered their premise. At first they thought it was a villain of some kind trying to infiltrate the JL. but after observation they just realized it was a very overworked teen that just needed help and support. That doesn't mean he wasn't under A LOT of surveillance.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for faking my death to get out of an abusive relationship?

Tw for verbal + mental/psychological abuse and suicide

I used to be in a discord server with some friends, there were about 40 people in it, only around 20 who were actually active. It was a while ago I can't remember. I was in that server for about 4 months.

From the start, people would occasionally get mad at me over something I didn't do. About every month or so someone would start a rumor about me and make the whole server gang up on me, I'd tell them it was false, but everyone would still avoid me for the next couple days.

I never did anything wrong, but I was always the center of the drama, and when I asked one person, R, why, he said he didn't know and that I didn't deserve so much hate.

About a week later R was talking in the vent channel about how I had manipulated him. I DMed him to ask why, and he told me it was because I asked him if he was my friend. I thought it was fucking stupid because it's not manipulative to be paranoid, but I pretended to be sorry because I didn't want him to be mad at me.

The server also had a bot where you could submit anonymous messages, and lots of people would use that feature to make up things about me to ruin my reputation.

After a while I left the server and only stayed in contact with a few people. However, every couple days another person would tell me I'm a monster and gaslight me into thinking I'm a terrible person, and every time I asked why they hated me they didn't give me an answer.

My only real friend, T, showed me some messages from the others after I left the server, and a bunch of people were making up stories about bad things I had done to them, and people who I had never even spoken to were saying that I had abused them and was dangerous.

Once someone told me thay they understood all the things R had said about me weren't true, but said it was still my fault anyway, and even told me that R had done nothing wrong (he lied about me in front of the entire server and is the reason I lost all my friends, and he yelled at me and called me evil because I was suicidal), and then they accused me of faking having amnesia because I had flashbacks.

Eventually, only four of my "friends" hadn't blocked me, and they almost never talked to me. Everyone kept calling me a terrible person because R spread lies about me and everyone else believed him instead of me.

It was to the point where I couldn't go one day without someone sending me death threats or trying to guilt trip me with false information, and I was getting very sever flashbacks of the stuff R had said to me, and I started failing classes because I couldn't focus on anything.

Eventually I had had enough, so I tagged them all in a tumblr post about how I was going to kill myself and then logged out of both that tumblr account and my old discord account forever.

(Also about a month after I had left, I got texts from irl friends, and it turns out someone on the server found the contact info of people I knew in real life just to ask if I was dead or not. And that scared the shit out of me.)

I've left out a lot of details of the abuse because of amnesia. I have a mental disorder which makes it hard to remember things, plus the brain often blocks out traumatic memories, so I'm sorry if some info feels missing.

The only reason I feel like I might be an asshole is because once I was gone, all of them switched targets and started to harass T. They said they hated him for being on my side, and sent him death threats on anon because he was mad at them for killing his friend. They started treating him the same way they treated me, and called him a horrible person but refused to give a reason as to why, and if I had stayed around they would've left him alone.

@should-be-dead (made a sideblog so I get notified when this is posted)

[thestarlightforge]

Why “I’m Billy Maximoff” Mattered to Me — A Queer Disabled Person’s Journal

10/17/24

***

Call it silly if you like. But I feel actually healed. Because these stories, they’re not just “superheroes”—they’re modern mythology. They’re how we teach each other and our children who deserves a place in the world.

When I watched WandaVision, like a lot of people, I identified with Wanda’s grief/depression/trauma journeys. And of course saw myself in the queer kids she gave a loving home, more so the more Young Avengers books I read. But with the WandaVision versions of Billy and Tommy in particular—more so even than the comic books—I also read into it the disability/childhood terminal illness allegory. It’s something on Schaeffer’s mind while writing them—leaked audition tapes from actors not cast as the boys revealed as much—even if it didn’t occur to all the viewers.

But I wasn’t supposed to live, either. Wasn’t even supposed to be born.

I don’t talk about it a lot because it’s hard to talk about. But when my mom was pregnant with me, doctors in Tennessee (pro-life peons they claim to be; it’s all an act) tried to get my parents to late term abort me, all because of a genetic condition they suspected I had—which I don’t even have lol, turns out I had a different handful of impairments, but anyways. A lot of people with the genetic conditions I DO have die within two hours of being born. My whole childhood was spent ducking in and out of hospitals, I had eleven major surgeries and almost died a dozen or so times before I turned twenty… I am so pro-choice it’s insane, but I was one of the “inspiration porn” kids that white, southern Republicans used in their crusades, screaming their “pro-life” BS at the Democrats who gave MY mom the right to choose my life.

I know. It’s WILD.

All that to say, though: It hit me in a particular place when Wanda married her trans husband, had queer kids who the entire world screamed at her (either weren’t real or) shouldn’t have been allowed to live, and then believed in them and loved them. With her everything. Thanked her queer, disabled kids for the honor, for choosing her to be their mom. (And Multiverse of Madness asked us to hate her. It baffles me to this day.) She didn't give up on them, did everything in her power to rescue them on the faintest hope they had survived (calling out for help in the Darkhold), even as some of the most powerful mages on SEVERAL worlds gaslit her for years... And when the gaslighters finally convinced her they were right, she destroyed the artifact that could be used to hurt anyone like her boys ever again.

For years, since Schaeffer had to relinquish creative control to the Multiverse of Madness team, I have felt that “the only creator amongst my favorite stories who feels like I belong has had to let us go, and the people who follow her don’t even believe we deserve a chance… we’re crazy, imaginary, and the world is better off without us.”

A slam-the-door narrative, Doctor Pandemonium & Avengers: Disassembled come again, the likes of which Byrne & Bendis would be proud.

But Agatha is an anti-hero/anti-villain story about ALL misunderstood, outcast people who deserve a second chance, no matter what the world may think.

The fact that Billy’s story in the MCU is now a meta-commentary on that publication history narrative… That Schaeffer took the episode to say, “I don’t know how many times or in how many different ways I’m gonna have to spell this out for y’all, but Wanda’s kids are HERS. They are and were REAL. They have their OWN SOULS and they BOTH DESERVE to FIND THEMSELVES and FIND LOVE and LIVE.”

I can’t think of a better way to have honored us. 💙

“It’s nice to see you again, Billy” 😭

(for the record, Agatha saying this totally genuine and with tears in her eyes—she will never be a villain to me, not ever again 💜🖤)

Thank y’all for listening. ❤️

This one’s for Tommy 🥹💚

[blindmagdalena]

Related to the last ask about Gilded Cage, and reader finding out about Billy/what happened to Becca. How would you go about reader finding out Homelander is a rapist? Not just in that verse, but in any fic?

The only time I've seen this play out is a Homelight fic where Annie knows about what happened to Becca. But she sort of "forgives" Homie or rather choses to ignore it, because she also finds out that (in that particular story, not in canon, obviously) he was repeatedly sexually assaulted as a kid. So, she doesn't justify it, but sort of understands why he did it.

Besides that, I can't think of any story where Homie's s/o found out about what he did. Do you think it would be the end of the relationship? Would reader gaslight herself into thinking it wasn't really rape, as many women (sadly) do? I would love to hear your thoughts about it!

it's a tough topic and i don't begrudge people who choose not to address it. it's also honestly just kind of a difficult thing to work in unless homelander himself freely admits to it (won't happen) or someone like butcher tells them.

there's also a lot of dub/noncon fics where it's just. kind of a moot point. if the relationship evolves from that in the first place, they can't really "find out" that he's a rapist. they've got firsthand experience. and yeah, in that case there usually is a ton of gaslighting and rationalizing going on. this is kind of what's going on in Gilded Cage right now where feelings are developing despite the fact he's keeping her against her will, and she still doesn't know if he's done something like this (or worse) before. which... we know he has.

but i do have lots of fics where the reader has no idea the extent of his damage and what he's done, and they would be properly horrified. Guilty Pleasures is a good example of a fic where i believe this revelation would end the relationship for SURE. she would not be able to reconcile that.

honestly you could take any one of my lighter/consensual fics and follow them up with the events of The Breakup / You Let Me Complicate You, which could just as easily have been about finding out that he's a rapist. it turns into a situation where the reader wants out, and he's simply not going to let them go.

the level of consent in Say It is also extremely questionable. basically noncon early on. would the reader here be shocked to learn he's done this to someone else? no. and she's already pretty well given into his corruption by this point.

whereas the reader in Don't Fret Precious (I'm Here) is a total loon, and would very readily excuse his actions. might actually be jealous because she's just. my ultimate yandere homelander simp. but she's definitely an outlier lol

ultimately it depends on the type of story you want to tell, and what kind of person you're writing against him. it's up to the author if that particular s/o believes the information at all, or if they let themselves believe that it's a terrible lie, and that their hero would never do that. or... maybe it makes perfect, horrible sense to them, and they either can or can't live with that.

i do think it's an interesting (albeit brutal) topic and one i'm open to exploring in the future! i can see myself going down any number of these potential avenues, depending on the vibe/character personality i'm working with.

[notmorbid]

i am homeless if this is not my home.

dialogue prompts from i am homeless if this is not my home by lorrie moore.

i suffer stage fright everywhere but the stage.

i am braced at every turn for disenchantment.

i sort of remember you.

i am here for you and with you.

what is there to be bitter about?

people don't think i know who they are.

reminiscence is an earache.

i am personally unreconciled to just about everything.

i have about two weeks of sobbing i haven't gotten around to yet.

i am so burned out.

do you remember that day?

all 'good' usually means is that someone got lucky.

i don't believe in 'good' anything.

there was no one heroic in my entire ancestral line, i'm pretty sure.

it's easier to speak when you don't have to look at people.

i didn't think you'd live this long.

i never really closed out the tab on ___.

i'm ostensibly more myself, or building up that way.

all that wanting's going to wear you out.

you? feel sorry for me?

i'm so sorry this is happening to you.

every marriage has a sinister little wobble in it.

i thought you might win. i really did.

jesus. i thought you were here to cheer me up.

the real story is never the official one.

if it adds up too neatly, it probably isn't correct.

be careful. you'll hear from HR.

democracy is a fine idea, but we've never actually had it.

did you bring any weed?

i miss you already.

i can't just come home.

i still have some things i want to tell you.

failure is a form of vacation.

i've never been good at connecting dots.

photos are a weird form of time travel.

why were you working so late?

may i kiss you?

you may want to sit down.

we were never on the same page at the same time.

are you trying to hug me?

i don't know how to block people.

i guess i'm like a bad penny. always turning up.

i guess death is kind of a spectrum.

did you think i had forgotten you?

changes of heart are my superpower.

aren't you happy to see me?

are you going to make me do a ted talk about my devious inner world?

it's hard to forgive what you've turned me into.

didn't you try to forget me?

your vitals are not so vital.

i did nothing but want you.

this mirror is gaslighting me.

you never really know where anybody is.

is this a dream? where am i?

i think this is a crime in several states.

it's not the prayer, it's the things you do to move the prayer along that give the prayer a fighting chance.

faith is not about argument.

i want my death to be helpful, even if it turns out it's not. i want to try to be helpful.

did you really die?

are you joking? sometimes i can tell, but not always.

we were each other to each other. not everyone can say that.

i'm sorry that i failed you.

is there something you'd like to share with the class?

you're going to carry me?

i'm a lot of things i didn't tell you.

life is a tough room.

where would we be without music?

i think i should be wearing sunglasses.

hang on. i'm going to sweep you off your feet.

sorry if i resemble a swamp person.

it's not haunted or anything.

i don't keep the shotgun loaded.

if anything seems not to work, just kick it, smack it, or unplug it then plug it back in.

now would be the time to cry.

i have an extra shirt you can wear.

here with you. this is my home.

the dead prefer the company of the living.

do we have a safe word?

you have a lot of weird knowledge.

i know this is too soon, but i do believe i love you.

don't you love farce?

my bad. i thought that you'd want what i want.

i want you in the world, where you belong.

i'm just a bump in your road.

i will miss your rogue and random energy.

tell people i was fun.

listen to me. everything is going to be okay.

you're just going to leave me here?

i realize it's over, but i can't let go.

[vaelzz]

It feels so odd to be treated with kindness and respect. I think people do themselves a disservice by keeping dismissive, toxic or downright negative friends, family or romantic interests in their lives. On the other hand I know how isolating it can be to cut it all out and just be left with your own thoughts in an endless echo chamber debating that you might actually be the toxic/negative, that you might be overly sensitive or perhaps selfish/narcissistic for feeling hurt over people downplaying or wilfully ignoring something you've achieved…

In worst cases downright insulted and degraded which I personally have always understood as people projecting their own insecurities and envy which helps ignore it sure but even still when it is persistent it slowly wears you down over time and serves as a way to validate your own internal negative thinking about yourself. I'd think I'd only care about what I truly think but then I'd simply let myself be exposed to negativity until it's literally hardwired into my very being and being told positive things is met with a lot of internal resistance because I truly don't believe it. The worst part is that I feel guilty for not truly appreciating kindness or affection which makes me anxious because I am unable to reciprocate and I understand it's not supposed to be like a transaction but when someone is genuinely nice to me I just melt into a puddle of confusion. This is all internal though because on the outside it's easiest to just say "Thanks!" and move on because exposing the issues I see can be seen as attention seeking or just simply draining to people which will be met with frustration and resistance from them.

But again it just feels so bizarre to have someone be genuinely appreciative. The screenshot attached to this post is an old artwork of mine reposted to the story of a new very special individual who has entered my life and it really puts into perspective the stark differences in every simple interaction. It feels so crazy to me that I'd invest so much time and energy into people that would refuse to input even the bare minimum and would even go as far to exert their own expectations followed by incessant downplay at every opportunity.

The artwork is from 2015 and it's taken on a cheap borrowed school camera at The Den Of Nargun and then further edited and painted over on my old craptop and only a mouse (R.I.P pre-tablet days) so screen was barely calibrated or accurate but it was inspired by The Hallow in Terraria which is one of my favourite games. I remember showing it to a close friend of mine this after gifting them a Canon film camera that had a good lens. (it was old and compatible with their new Canon and I used Sony so why not) But they literally said it looked like vomit which beyond irked me because whilst it's not perfect it was a prominent creation in my life when I was just 17 in highschool without many resources. I also won an acquisitive art award for it alongside another piece called An Ever Flowing Stream of Eternity, acquisitive meaning the local gallery acquired it and I was given $500 alongside some other art supply gifts which I don't like to brag about but surely it must have some merit or value for that? Certainly not vomit right?????

I guess to top it off I was only sharing it because having gifted them a camera I was recommending locations to go except they literally went 2 days later without telling me after I said I wanted to return there and retake some pictures now I am older with a better camera. Definitely some strong gaslighting there when trying to confront it but that's whatever but what really irked me was them just shoving all their photographs in my face and essentially demanding praise and getting upset if it's anything less than positive. I'd never really share much of my art or things I made because people wouldn't really care which I figured is fair enough because everyone has different tastes and there is zero expectation for someone to like or appreciate anything you do but after so many years of that you just feel so empty. Because this is just one instance but there are countless instances with plenty of other people too which is incredibly demotivating because why bother doing or sharing anything that someone is just going to devalue? Might as well focus my attention elsewhere??? Except I'd still always have that inherent drive to create and achieve things so ultimately it just led to cyclic toxic cycles of internalized perfectionism.

But now being met with something as simple and trivial as a story repost followed by being spammed likes because I felt sad about this artwork being called "vomit" and an overall general lack of appreciation after discussing some concepts around Tall Poppy Syndrome it just… idk it sort of warms my heart and honestly I was melting a bit and I felt so guilty that this person was showing kindness and appreciation towards me because I felt so underserving? The crazy thing is that it's so simple and basic yet feels so foreign to me to have someone take the time and basic thought to undertake the gesture. For the record the share and likes are meaningless, it's all just superficial social media bullshit but the simple gesture and thought is what touches me deeply yet it feels like such a basic and trivial thing so it really makes me think back to when I'd let negative people remain in my life and convince myself I'm selfish for ever having the passing thought that I'd like the same respect and energy given to be returned mutually.

[elrielbaby]

What do you think of the Gwynriels being too confident in their ship? Are you sure Az has feelings for Gwyn and is always looking for her and stuff? And what are they matte?

I have tried, really really tried, to see where they’re coming from. I’ve re read the books multiple times to ensure I’m not missing any context, I’ve looked at it through every angle possible and I still cannot fathom why they are so confident.

I have a couple of theories as to why they’re so confident and I’m feeling a little spicy today, so I’ll share. I could go in to heavy detail, but I’ll try keep it brief anon.

1. They hate Elain and so are looking for any other option. Literally anyone. G*yn happens to be in the bonus chapter and so they go with that, without really thinking about it* (I will circle back to this).

2. They blindly follow the word of one or two people online.They don’t like Elain, or they love L*cien (and they totally miss all the clues that say L*cien doesn’t actually want Elain but that’s a whole other can of worms) and so they accept other people’s interpretations - which those people very intentionally present as fact, and use them as a jumping off point, so when they go back to the books they have that other persons narrative in their head that far better suits their ideals and so they’re looking, twisting, turning any and all of the narrative to fit that. They are gaslighting themselves, basically.

3. They don’t re read the books and they don’t open themselves up to any other possibility. I can say for myself that before I started posting online about elriel, I had heard about G*riel after reading the books and re read them to be sure. I’m nearly positive a lot of them don’t do that, and either never re read or re read as per the second point.

As to the second part of this question, I don’t believe he’s got feelings for G*yn, nor do I think he’s always looking for her - so, I’m very sure of that. If you meant Elain, it’s pretty obviously laid out in the text, without SJM having Azriel and Elain say ‘I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM/HER AND I DONT CARE WHO KNOWS IT’ - because how does that make any sense when they haven’t had their book? If they had, I’d be less sure of their endgame.

As for the last part, I’m going to assume you’re asking if I think either G*yn or Elain are mated to Azriel. I do not believe G*yn is Azriels mate. At all. There are a few signs that Az & Elain could be, but it truly doesn’t matter to me if they are or not. I think SJM has been metaphorically winking at us with some of the things she’s said about them but it could go a number of ways, in terms of wether they’re mates or not.

One things for certain though - they’re endgame ❤️

* to circle back to them not really thinking about it, as I didn’t want to bog down the main text with this, they don’t seem to consider a number of different things.

They don’t consider that it’s a limited bonus chapter that was only available for one specific book store. It is not available in the copies of ACOSF you can buy now, nor was it available in a huge number of copies you could buy at its initial release.

They don’t seem to consider that if you remove the bonus chapter, we still have four books that include build up for them. It literally makes no odds as to wether the bonus matters or not. For them though? Most of their argument relies on that bonus chapter.

They don’t seem to consider any other reason as to why G would be in that bonus chapter. None whatsoever. The Elain part was explicitly romantic and if you look at G’s part there is no romanticism in sight. The ‘spark’ happened after a conversation with Clotho, not even when G was present. Almost like G didn’t actually have anything to do with it at all. If you connect the dots to the main text, at least for my interpretation, you have Elain & Az, who very clearly have feelings for one another. You have G, who has a powerful affect on Nesta, and Clotho who also has, to a smaller extent, a powerful affect on Nesta.

And those are just the few things off the top of my head that I have the bandwidth to come up with right now. ❤️

[wheelie-sick]

Hi! I’m just curious why you’re anti-psychiatry and the reasoning behind it if you’re comfortable sharing? I want to take care to specifically learn the reasoning so I can educate myself upon them, I’ve wanted to be a psychiatrist since I was a kid and so I’m wary of making any mistakes in my profession that could damage others or perpetuate harm. Thank you so much for your time. /genq

okay, first of all I'd recommend reading my post here which talks about why there are no good psychiatrists and this post here about how some people being helped by the system does not make the system good. they're long but the first is pretty foundational to my beliefs on psychiatry and the second covers the most common rebuttal I hear for antipsychiatry.

putting the rest of this under a cut because it's really fucking long because I wanted to provide some context to my beliefs and there's a lot of context

my foundational reasoning for being antipsychiatry comes from listening to other's experiences. I did not have a traumatic experience with psychiatry directly. I'm not going to repeat other's traumatic experiences but if you look through the antipsychiatry tags you can definitely find some of the repulsive things the psychiatric industry has done. my belief in antipsychiatry also comes from my experiences with therapy.

I have been cycled through many therapists who dropped me for being "too complicated" for them. my second most recent therapist I dropped after constant abuse from him.

-> TW for therapeutic abuse until "why I'm antipsychiatry" <-

my issues with my old therapist began when I first started seeing him. I was being actively abused at home and every time I tried to talk about the physical and emotional violence I was experiencing at home from my former father he would shut me down and tell me it was not abuse.

-> TW for descriptions of physical abuse for the next paragraph <-

I told him about the attempts to shove me down stairs. the times I was dragged around. the times I was thrown into the couch. the times I had my face slammed into a wall. the restraint. the hitting. the punching. the grabbing. I told him in detail. my mom has since admitted that I was abused by my former father.

He did not think it was abuse. he had an obligation to report this to CPS and he never did. he told me it was not abuse the minute I brought it up, before I ever even tried to use the word abuse. I could never talk about the violence I was experiencing because I would get shut down every time and eventually I gave up.

-> TW for emotional abuse for the next 2 paragraphs <-

several years later my former father disowned me. (that's why I call him my former father) he told me that he did not see me as his child anymore, that he hated me. he said some other rather disgusting things about me, most of which I will not repeat, but one sticks out. he told me mom that she should handle my being trans as if she was dealing with a dog; when it (and yes, he used the word it) misbehaves you should ignore it. this all happened in a single conversation.

in my next therapy session I was distraught. I didn't like my former father but it never feels good to be disowned. I was trying to talk to my therapist about this and I said "he hates me" my therapist doubted me and asked me "did he say he hates you or are you just perceiving he hates you" trying to, dare I say, gaslight me into thinking this was all my perception. he did this to me frequently when I brought up the emotional abuse I was experiencing. I said "yes, yes he did say that" and things got really quiet because for once he couldn't tell me it was all in my head. in that moment I lost all faith in him because I realized he was wrong. that he was manipulating me into believing I was the problem. that all these conflicts were my fault. but they were never my fault.

-> TW for mentions of self harm for the next 2 paragraphs <-

the final nail in the coffin came about 2 years later when I finally decided to open up about my self harm. I had relapsed on my self harm about 8 months prior, usually it was just a one off but this time it had spiraled out of control into the beginnings of an addiction. I wanted to stop, so I decided to open up to my therapist about it. he got angry at me. I was scared, and vulnerable, and he was angry. he asked me why I didn't tell him sooner, I said I was scared of hospitalization. a week later he threatened to hospitalize me multiple times after promising he wouldn't.

what actually made me drop him was 3 weeks later. I was tired of talking about self harm and I was feeling the same if it all. he asked me about it and I said I don't want to talk about it. he pressed mex accused me of avoiding therapy, threatened to hospitalize me if I didn't spit out adequate details. when I said I hadn't even self harmed that much he accused me of lying to him to avoid therapy. he crossed many boundaries that day and then pressured me into agreeing to fill out a form every week detailing all the information about my self harm down to how many cuts I made. that was my final straw. I was done.

why I'm antipsychiatry:

after that I started reflecting and realizing the whole thing was fucked up. from the starting point in 4th grade when I saw my first therapist to the ending point where I saw my second to last therapist (I had a therapist after the nightmare therapist, her name was Sara she was Deaf and amazing but largely unhelpful) the system was designed to produce bad therapists. the nightmare therapist was not the only bad experience I had with therapists, just the worst. they all liked to abuse their power over me, they all liked to deny my experiences and gaslight me into believing all my problems were my own perception rather than a real outside factor. this wasn't one bad therapist is was one bad system.

and I'm done. I'm so done. therapy has never helped me but it has hurt me and I don't think I can find a good therapist because the whole apple tree is rotting from the inside. I'm sticking with my psychiatrist because he has done minimal harm to me but my experience with therapy has thoroughly cemented that abuse isn't an exception it's the standard and therapists who aren't abusing their clients are breaking the rules. my experience is the norm and it shouldn't be but you can't reform a rotting tree you have to plant a new one.

that's what antipsychiatry also seeks to do. it's cutting down the apple tree but it's also planting a new, different fruit tree. a tree that respects autonomy of patients, that acknowledges patients' realities, that seeks to support not control and manipulate.

if you want to help people with their mental health I urge you to look into the alternatives to the psychiatric system and consider working there. the tree will turn you into a bad apple too because the tree is rotted but there's a new tree growing and you can find other ways to support people. admittedly I'm not the most familiar with alternatives to psychiatry but I know they do exist and they're becoming more common as people realize the damage the psychiatric system is doing.

sorry this was kinda a trauma dump but my antipsych beliefs largely stem from trauma so I wanted to share that context

[jimmy-tulparco-pilot]

*throws the entire canon jimmy mouthwashing lore for you to read then leaves*

Here's what the actual jimbus nimbus the III did

IMPLIED ABUSE. (Can be interpreted as SA or Phisical Abuse)

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.

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(Oh my god Jimenez Lore drop? 👀)

Hi! Im the OP once more, and here's a little secret about me, more than an artist, im a medical student with the focus of becoming a psychiatrist and a psychoanalist. anyway here is a little something: Mentions of Abuse, under the cut and a little personal rant if you dont want to read you dont have to.

A lot that the Psychoanalists of Freud and Jung talk about is the co-relation of the bad parenting to ones trauma in development, if you were Abused as a child theres a higher possibility of you growing to be an Abuser as an adult, if you have been thought that your values as a person is defined by a certain something as a child there's a higher possibility of you believing that to your adulthood and that's what im going here about.

For the ones who dont know, i have a comic strip that works for Canon Jimmy and the tulpar crew, where the topics of Mental Health will also be aborded. more info about it on @analgesic-comic

Now a bit of a Personal talk, i know some people are getting mad that jimmy on this au hast done anything big assholish to anyone yet and that he hadnt r**ed anya and that its "out of character". But i will be honest, i made this for me to draw some silly goofy stuff, while i take breaks from my comic, my comic has a lot of heavy writing envolved and doesn't give much space for jokes, there's funny stuff here and there but still all of it is pretty heavy because its based of a psychological horror. So i made this Ask blog that aint even in the future. It's in the present to be able to draw the characters and get my mind out of some stuff.

I love drawing jimmy because i love his design, and i love drawing all the characters, but if every drawing i made of them was strictly related to canon i would never bring myself to draw any stupid stuff because my autistic brain would ran me on the "Oh no they wouldn't do that because jimmy is there, jimmy and curly are the only ones you can draw together because curly is the only one who turns a blind eye to jimmys actions"

On the ask blog, Jimmy keeps his personality, but he is getting MENTAL TREATMENT that is making him a little less insuferable, of all the answers most of them there's scenes of him trying to gaslight curly or being mean to someone so i think i madd quite clear he is not healed, i just made him not be a criminal.

[hiiragi7]

Parts language is not dehumanizing, but the way people in the plural community treat parts language makes me feel dehumanized as a person who uses parts language.

I was reading that damn "Why the Theory of Structural Dissociation is Ableist" article written by Stronghold and released by the plural association (bluntly, I find it to be a very poorly written article - not in its strongly worded opinions, but because it spreads blatant misinformation regarding the success of final fusion based on a study the author did not understand, and I also find the piece to be incredibly ableist against systems who use parts language and seek final fusion).

Specifically, I want to talk about this paragraph from the article today, as I find it illustrates a lot of the problems that I have encountered in the plural community with regards to parts language:

Although I do not think personalities is the right term for us, nor is the word parts. It is derogatory, dehumanizing & it is taking away from our autonomy, roles and authenticity as individuals. And so I often wonder whether the alter integration they desire, equals just not being Plural anymore in the minds of the writers of Structural dissociation. If it does, it makes sense to diminish us to parts. And it also makes sense to claim “no one has to go away”, if they never believed we are separated in the first place. After all, it is the ‘experience of separation’, not actual separation, as they say, we did not split off. So was using the term ‘parts’ in 1987 progressive, or a step to further diminish, gaslight and silence us?

While I find questioning the intentions of the authors valuable and think it is important to explore whether any given medical intervention is truly aimed at individual wellbeing or whether its goal is normality and conforming to ableist ideas of what health looks like, I find it completely unnecessary to shit on parts language in order to do that.

This idea that I or any other system which uses parts language is "diminished" to parts carries the implication that parts are something less-than, undesirable, or have less value than systems which are not parts. This narrative is surprisingly anti-system for an organization which claims to be "empowering those with Dissociative Identity Disorder, OSDD and all other forms, labels and experiences of Plurality."

I am not diminished to parts; my parts are me, and I am a person. I cannot be diminished by my own personhood.

Additionally, the idea that parts language is "derogatory, dehumanizing, and takes away from our autonomy, roles, and authenticity as individuals" may imply that systems which use parts language are self-harming, that they are being derogatory and dehumanizing towards themselves, and stripping themselves of their own autonomy and individuality. This is an extremely negative and biased view of not only parts language but also those who use parts language as well. I use parts language for myself out of self-love, not hate.

Further, if we are to acknowledge plurality as a spectrum, then even if parts language really did mean system members were less individual from each other, how is that a bad thing? Median systems have long existed and have described their experiences as "different versions of me" or "different modes"; why is this fine, but saying you have parts as a system is not? Why is there such a focus on individuality and personhood to the point that it excludes those systems who do not experience their systemhood in that way? In what way is that inclusive?

Parts language should not be forced onto anyone, as it is important in general not to force a view of self onto someone that does not align with how they identify; yet, it feels as though people completely forget that rule when sentiments such as "your system members are 100% different people" or "calling your system members parts is derogatory and you are dehumanizing them" are pushed onto people as some sort of objective truth. That is just not how my system works; It would be just as wrong to say my system is not parts as it would be to say to a system who is not parts that they're actually parts.

Critiquing the language which medical professionals use to describe the experiences of their patients has its place, absolutely, however you must also have a level of respect for the people who relate to and use that language that all too often is lacking.

[ssweeterthanfiction]

Wait for your love.

Content Warnings: billy being TOXICCCC, gaslighting, reader being lowkey delusional, mentions of drinking and an addiction (angst is my best friend😘)

↳ currently playing ;

Lavender Haze - 1976

0:56 ——•———————— 3:24

↺       <<          ll          >>     ⋮≡

Y/N: “Everything with Billy was perfect at first.”

“He did everything ‘right’.”

“Dates to the beach, to the drive-in, dinner dates, late night drives, listening to music in the middle of the night, holding each other in bed, make out sessions in the back of his car. He would buy me endless gifts. New records, jewelry, clothes, and shoes. Even small things like his guitar picks. He did everything to make it seem like he really liked me…”

She sighs. “At the time, Billy always said I was “his girl.”But he never said that he was my…boyfriend. I had to remind about myself that a lot.”

“But my god it was hard to do that.”

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

“How are you not hot in that coat? It’s like a million degrees outside.” Warren says, pushing your forehead back.

You swat his hand away. “How are you not cold on stage without a shirt?”

Warren rolls his eyes, Karen and Graham both snicker, Eddie smiles slightly. You were at the studio for two reasons today. To watch the band as they rehearsed, and for Billy.

As you all continued talking and laughing, you heard the door swing open.

“There’s my girl” Billy says as he walks towards you. He wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you close to him. Leaning down, he kisses you. You hook your arms around his neck as he deepens the kiss.

For a few seconds you both are practically making out infront of the band. But it feels like it’s just the two of you in the studio.

Billy pulls away slightly and grins. “I got you something”

“Really?” you beam up at him.

Removing one of his hands from your waist, digging into his pocket as he still keeps a possessive grip on you. He pulls out a simple chain with a heart charm on the end. He dangles it infront of you and gives you a smug smile.

“It’s so pretty…I love it” you say, reaching out for it.

Before you can grab it, Billy takes your shoulders and turns you around and puts the necklace around you.

“Just wait, it gets better”

Reaching into his shirt he pulls out his own necklace. A guitar pic that has a heart carved out of it.

He brings you close and gently takes the heart charm of your necklace. He places it in his, a perfect fit.

Your heart flutters and you smile widely at him.

“Oh Billy….”

He grins. “I had them made just for us. Just for me and my girl”

“I love it. I love it so much, thank you” you say, leaning in close to him.

And just like that you feel both his hands return to your waist and the two of you are back to kissing.

You hear Eddie clear his throat loudly.

“I don’t mean to interrupt this— whatever this is. But we do have to rehearse for the show we’re playing tonight” Eddie says in a cold tone.

Billy pulls away from your lips first, but doesn’t let go of your waist. “You got a problem or something Eddie?”

You feel Billy’s grip tighten on your waist.

“Billy, Eddie’s right, go rehearse”you put a hand on his cheek. “We’ll spend some time together later” you say, gazing into his eyes.

He nods his head. “Yeah…yeah okay” he says, letting go of your waist and walking away from you.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Y/N: “….I don’t think everyone was keen on me seeing Billy.”

“Actually, I don’t think anyone was. Karen, Daisy, Eddie, and Graham. Hell, I don’t think Teddy liked it. I think Warren just didn’t care.”

Karen: “I was the first person to tell y/n not to get involved with Billy.”

“But I wasn’t the first to tell Billy to stay the hell away from her.”

Warren: “She said I didn’t care?” he scoffs. “Believe me I cared. I knew what Billy was like. Playing with girls hearts, getting what he wanted from them and then tossing them aside.”

“I told him to stay away from her and that if he ever hurt her he had something else coming for him.”

Daisy: “Actually, I first I didn’t mind it.”

“It seemed like they really cared for each other. And they just seemed…right together. But of course Billy was Billy. So no. I didn’t like their relationship, but I had no place to say anything.”

Graham: “I knew what Billy was like. I knew what he was like but I didn’t say anything to either of them. I felt like it wasn’t my place.”

“I wish I had said something.”

Eddie: “I hated them together. She was too good for him. Too kind, too sweet, too…too perfect. A girl like that shouldn’t have been with Billy”

Y/N: “I don’t know what was going on in my head.”

“I had an idea of what a relationship with Billy would be like. I would have to deal with the groupies, the media, the fans…”

“But it’s like…it’s like I was addicted to him. Everytime we would kiss, it was so…intoxicating”

“I just romanticized every little thing he would do, which made me fall deeper in love with him.”

“Maybe that’s what clouded my judgement. Maybe that’s what prevented me from seeing the red flags.”

“I was just…so desperate to stay with him. I wanted his attention. I wanted his love.”

“And at first, that’s what Billy was willing to give me.”

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Rehearsals had ended and everyone had gone home for the day. They wanted to relax before the gig tonight.

You and Billy were in his room making out.

He had you in his lap, your legs wrapped around his waist.

“You’re so pretty…” he mumbles against your lips.

Your heart flutters, you were like putty in his arms. He moved from your lips to your neck. Your hands tangling in his curly hair.

“So fucking pretty…and you’re all mine…You’re all mine yea?” he whispers.

You nod your head and kiss him. “All yours Billy.”

“That’s right…you’re mine. My girl.” he rasps.

The rest of the afternoon was spent wrapped in his sheets and in his embrace. It was perfect. Even after the show, instead of running off and getting high, he came home with you. He went to bed with you. He spent the night cuddling with you.

He was with you.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Y/N: “Despite never making…whatever we were official, he was very public with our situation.”

“I don’t remember how many times we would go out and then the next morning we would see our faces in the tabloids and papers.”

“We never thought much of it since we never made the front page.”

“Until we did.”

“Every time, Billy put the blame on me for it. And I would just…take the blame and be the one to apologize to him.”

“The first time was in September of ‘76, after labor day I think, when some magazine made up some story that me and Billy had gotten engaged.”

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

You were in the kitchen with Karen and Graham.

Karen was sitting at the table with you and Graham was at the counter, pouring himself a bowl of cereal. Warren and Eddie were both still asleep in their rooms, and Daisy was passed out on the couch.

You had all been at a party last night. No one remembers what time you got back, but you all woke up in the house, so there was no reason to worry.

You started hearing footsteps, no stomping coming towards the kitchen.

Billy appears with something rolled up in his hand. He looks visibly pissed.

“Billy, are you okay?” you say as you give him a concerned look.

He stomps over to the table and stands in front of you.

“What the hell is this?” he says angrily, slamming a paper down in front of you.

You look up at him confused and take the paper into your hands.

Oh shit.

Insider Info: Rockstar Billy Dunne and Upcoming Star Y/N L/N Engaged?

See pages 6-7 to read full story!

“Answer my fucking question!”

“I don’t know what this is! What makes you think I would know?”

He scoffs. “Says that the reporter got a personal statement from y/n l/n herself.”

You look at him in disbelief. No way he would believe that.

“You don’t….You don’t actually believe that do you?” you scoff.

“Oh I don’t know. You did split apart from the group yesterday at the party. Who knows what you were doing.”

“To use the fucking bathroom!” you shout at him. You were pissed now.

“Yea sure. Maybe you talked to some reporter while you “went to the bathroom” and you can’t remember because you were so fucking wasted.” he says harshly.

“Don’t even go there Billy. You were more wasted than I was.”

“You know, I don’t see you denying anything.”

You scoff again and shake your head. “You really think I talked to some reporter last night?”

Billy stands there and crosses his arms, he doesn’t utter another word.

“Wow. Okay.” you say, getting up from your seat and leaving the kitchen.

Billy follows you out of the kitchen and to the patio.

He calls out your name but you don’t respond.

Grabbing your arm and he pulls you close to him. He tilts your chin up so you look him in the eye. “Baby, please you gotta understand that this isn’t a good look for me or you. People don’t wanna see someone like me engaged. And I doubt that anyone would want to see you engaged yet either.”

“You know if you did talk to a reporter I wouldn’t be mad right? Maybe you did talk to one but you didn’t know they were a reporter.”

You look at him with an apologetic look. “I’m sorry…Maybe I did. I just— I can’t remember. I had a lot to drink last night.”

He pulls you close to his chest and plants a kiss on the top of your head. “I know baby…I know. It’s alright. It’s not your fault.”

He pulls away slightly and looks you in the eye.

“How ‘bout we got out tonight. Just you and me? You can choose what we do.”

You smile and nod your head.

“That sounds perfect to me”

Billy smiles back at you and kisses you.

That feeling of being pissed at Billy was now long gone.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Y/N: “I look back on that first time a lot .”

“I realize that I let myself get talked into apologizing for something I didn’t do.”

Billy: “I definitely…overreacted.”

“…Okay I really overreacted. I admit it. There’s no excuse for that.”

Karen: “He was an ass about it.”

“He should be lucky that the papers thought that someone like y/n would agree to marrying him.”

Y/N: “The second time was more…”

“I actually don’t know how to describe it.”

“He just…gave me the silent treatment this time. And then he exploded.”

“It happened about a month after the engagement rumor.”

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

You had just gotten back home from thrifting with Karen. 
Things had been going well with Billy. He had been spending time with you, unexpectedly buying you gifts. He was perfect.

Walking into Billy’s room you saw him lying on the bed. You plopped your bags down and slipped off your shoes.

You noticed that he hadn’t spoken or said hi to you yet.

“I got you something from the store” you say sitting on the bed and putting a hand on Billy’s back.

He shrugs your hand off and rolls over.

Just from that single action you felt your heart drop to your stomach.

Had you done something wrong? Did you say something bad? Did you do something earlier that made him mad?

Your head fills with those thoughts as you stand from the bed.

“Karen told me that the show got canceled for tonight…so I was thinking if you maybe wanted to see a movie”

Billy only grunts and shakes his head in response.

“Um…okay then. I’m gonna go take a shower…then I guess we can maybe cuddle?”

Again. No response from Billy.

You start to head for the bathroom, looking once back at Billy.

Once you’ve finished showering and getting dressed, you lay down next to Billy.

You place your head on his shoulder and plant small kisses on it.

Billy moves away from you, making you even more confused.

You sit up. “Billy. Please talk to me. Did I do something wrong?”

Billy sighs and sits up. He grabs a magazine from the nightstand and tosses to you.

Star Y/N L/N seen out and about with mystery man in downtown L.A!

“Who is that with you.” he says, pointing at the man.

You look at the picture closely. “That’s— that’s just Warren, Billy.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“It is! I was out with Warren earlier this week looking for some new clothes!”

“Don’t fucking lie to me!” he shouts as he stands up from the bed.

“I’m not lying Billy!” you say, also standing up from the bed.

Billy scoffs. “I can’t believe you. You go out with some guy, probably fuck him and then you come back here, to my house.”

“To my fucking room, in my fucking bed.” he mutters as he makes his way to the closet.

You stand there confused. “Billy I didn’t—“

“You know, maybe you should leave and go be with that guy, yea?” he shouts, throwing a suitcase onto the floor.

“Start packing your shit!” he yells

You see him grabbing and throwing your stuff from the closet. You stand there, frozen for just a moment. You can feel the tears in your eyes start to flow.

You go to your knees and scramble to try to fix your clothes.

After what feels like an eternity, Billy stops.

The only sounds coming from the room are your cries.

“Hey, hey, baby, come. Come here” Billy says softly as he walks towards you.

He crouches down and wraps his arms around you. You instantly cling to him, burying your face in the crook of his neck.

“Look at me. Come on, look at me baby.” he says, tilting your head up.

“You know how bad this will look for the both of us? Who knows what people will say about me, about you. You gotta be careful when you go out baby, these paps are crazy.”

“I’m sorry— I’m sorry. Me and Warren should’ve been more careful. I’m sorry”

Billy shushes you and strokes your hair. “Shh…it’s okay. It’s okay. Come on, come on let’s go back to bed and cuddle. We’ll clean this up later”

He helps you stand up and guides you to the bed.

Wrapping his arms around you again, he spends the rest of the night whispering sweet nothings to you, peppering your face with kisses and promising you that you two would go to the beach in the morning.

He kept that promise. And everything was perfect again.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Karen: “The relationship between Billy and Y/N wasn’t healthy.”

“Y/N was blind to Billy’s red flags and Billy took advantage of that.”

“In almost every arguement they had Y/N would be the one apologizing. Even when it wasn’t her fault.”

Eddie: “It was hard to watch. It was hard to see Billy start a fight with Y/N and see her apologize.”

“It was hard to see her go from happy with Billy one day to seeing her miserable the next.”

“It was even harder to see Billy drag her into an addiction.”

AFTER A MILLION YEARS. ITS OUT. ITS FINALLY OUT!!! can’t wait to start the next chapter cause it’s finally time for reader to fall off the tracks a little 😋 (hopefully i won’t take too long this time :P)

[gh-0-stcup]

I really like the change the made with Armand being willing to let Louis die. It makes a lot of sense to me with how their relationship unfolded in Paris on the show. Personally, I find it stronger and more believable character wise than the "I'm gonna kill Claudia so I'll have you all to myself!" thing.

Louis was fairly disrespectful and distant for much of those early years. He was very hung up on his ex, was hesitant to define their relationship to the point of contradicting Armand in front of their friends, and barely even tried to pretend he respected the coven.

I completely understand and empathize with Louis, but imagine how it all would have felt to Armand. Like, Louis was literally fantasizing about his ex making fun of Armand. Sometimes in the afterglow. At the very least, Armand must have caught some seriously off vibes. Hell, he probably even caught some of the dialogue - he can read Louis' mind, Louis was shit at closing off his thoughts when he came to Paris.

Even after they settled in better with each other, Louis kept Armand at a distance. He was scared to open up, to show how he loved Armand. The consequence is that Armand felt like just a rebound, a bit of fun, a way to soothe the loneliness for the time being. But not somebody who could be a true companion to Louis.

So, when the coven gets a bug up their asses about Claudia and Louis and tell Armand to off them or he gets the boot - what choice is going to make? The coven he's lived with and ran for hundreds of years or the guy he's a rebound fuck for? He might not even particularly like his life with the coven anymore, but it's what he knows. It's consistent, he knows what to expect from it.

Armand realizes he's made a miscalculation once Madeline drops the "Louis really loves you" bomb. But by then it's a bit late to switch gears. He keeps going along with the choice he made until another option presents itself.

Because he knows Louis loved him once, Armand goes along with the spite marriage in hopes that time (and a hefty dose of lies) might heal the wounds. Armand clings desperately to their relationship because he wants to get back to the place where Louis loved him. It was the first time Armand was loved and he didn't even get to enjoy it at the time.

All the lies, gaslighting, and memory alterations. The remolding himself into a shape he doesn't fit - the soft, calm, gentle lover who could never harm his beloved. All of it is driven by the desire to get back something he didn't realise he had.

[annabelle--cane]

Hello!

You’ve said that you fly on planes pretty often… As someone who’s never been on a plane before, could you tell me about what it’s like riding in a plane for the first time/some things you’ve learned to do to make it an easier experience?

Hope you’ve been doing well <3

with the qualifiers that while I used to fly a lot, I haven't since late 2019 + different airlines have extremely varying standards for comfort + I'm white and able bodied so there are a lot of common concerns that I've never had to think about:

-> being in an airport is first and foremost about waiting around and doing nothing. you queue to check your bag, you queue to go through security, you sit at your gate for a while after the inevitable delays to your takeoff time, you wait for your boarding group to be called, you queue in the group itself to get on the plane, eventually you queue to get off the plane, you queue to go through customs, and then you wait while staring aimlessly at some kind of hypnotic carousel of nearly identical black suitcases to collect your checked luggage. you can either gaslight yourself into believing that there is enjoyment to be found in waiting in huge lines or you can lose yourself to the queue madness.

-> speaking of the hypnotic bag carousel, it'll be easier to pick out your checked bags on sight if they're more distinct looking. if you've got some brightly colored suitcases, use those, otherwise they might pass you by three times before you spot them.

-> if you have a tendency to get car sick or sea sick or anything then I'd recommend bringing some anti nausea medication, in my experience most flights aren't particularly bumpy but better safe than sorry. plane bathrooms can be kinda nasty, if you're concerned about hygiene then you might want to bring some surface wipes. they tend to blast the AC, and the blankets they give out are static electricity central, so I'd recommend wearing a good jacket/cardigan and maybe bringing a small TSA approved(tm) sized bottle of hand cream.

-> if something about the processes of bag checking, security, boarding, customs, etc. is confusing you, you'll likely be in a group of dozens of people trying to do the same thing and you can ask around to see if someone if willing to explain.

-> your airline will probably tell you how early before your flight you should to get to the airport, and I would always advise arriving even earlier than that. ex., I've had a lot of experiences where getting there three hours before an international flight was technically enough time, but I had to rush everything and only got to my gate at the last minute. I would a hundred times over prefer to window shop in the expensive tech stores on the other side of security for half an hour than have to book it with my carry on down a huge backrooms looking empty hallway just to barely make it in time.

-> this could easily be a me thing but I've found the version of myself that exists on airplanes only wants to entertain herself with activities that I would never consider with my feet on solid ground. I enter an airplane and suddenly voraciously want to do a crossword and listen to europop. basically, if you're nervous about the flying itself, then I'd suggest planning to do something fun and kind of novel so you can have something a bit special to look forward to.

-> if you've got a window seat, look out the window! look at your city from above and either have an existential crisis or develop a god complex, it's great. watching a sunrise while flying over the ocean is basically like inventing a religion.