#and it’s always the most random dumbass audio | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

knowlessman · 2 years ago

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bnha ep 10-13 I think. oh yeah, the big boss guy, that's what was up. handface. professor facepalm.

(watching OP) author really said "I am going to make a character that is the most hateable little shit. I'm gonna make sure nothing about either him or his design is likeable. gonna put him in a fucking diaper." -- stg the most mid anime op I have ever seen this many times

League of Villains? not Every Villain Is Lemons?

greninja to the rescue! …did you really have to save him tho? -- see, not having to listen to mineta in english is like, idk, a third of the battle

they want to kill him because he is batman, yes

oh, he didn't even teleport them far, just to random parts of the dome 'XD

the name does stick : ]

stop giving this guy lines, why does he have lines now

'XD it cuts to three of the villains in the water while Deku's talking and you have two normal-ass-looking people and a fucking Cenobite

k thanks for sharing, worst character

oh stop being generous, froppy, you were always the only way anybody was gonna get off that boat and you know it

"episode 11: game over." well that's cheery. also I saw spy kids 3 recently, dang is that not a good movie but it isn't, like, not fun. they say "game over" so many fucking times tho, I did not remember that and was not prepared for it. fun guessing-game at the end tho where characters keep showing up to fight and only the ones that absolutely shouldn't be here get to have shots of them actually fighting. I wanna see danny trejo punch a giant robot goddammit. -- ahem. anyway. anime.

…so, todoroki. cool guy. how is a guy this cool in the same show as mineta, anyway?

'XD who is this silly goof? "audio girl used Aimed Kick! dumbass learned Volt Tackle!" -- jiro and kaminari. got it. also Quiet Metal Gear's quirk doesn't even benefit from her boobs being out, she literally just shat an entire rubber tarp out of her back, which was covered -- momo, right. also creators please just stop writing teenagers and then Doing This Shit, wtf

"when he overuses his quirk, his brain short-circuits" well that's a problem; he didn't look like he had much dumber to get

nooooo, not hat-n'-clogs D:

six-arm guy's secret ability: really good hugs

bakugo's learning to pretend he's got anything other than violence in his head when somebody calls him on it ("I'm gonna beat up that portal guy! not because he stood in front of me, but because if he's gone, the enemy can't escape"), and I guess that's character development?

he fuckin said the spy kids 3 thing. is that gonna be a thing here, too, have I been bamboozled

also yay for emergency exit makin his exit in an emergency, gotta love it

and now the other guy said it. maybe it's just this episode tho, they've said episode titles a few times

-- "'game over?' what are they planning?" to put sylvester stallone in a giant robot, by the sound of it

im sorry how long has this disaster dome had a bouncy castle in it

walk faster dude you're gonna go poof any second

"we got a Continue" maybe facepalm is just all arcade lingo and that's his deal. maybe his villain origin is that he tilted a pinball table too hard

gotta be at least one or two heroes here who do illusions, right? could be all might isn't even here.

walks right past Thirteen "sorry, Aizawa"

Kirishima. got it. the guy who reminds me of a certain danganronpa character whose name I also forget is Kirishima

o_o dang, this one-punch villain reject goes harder than I expected -- oh nvm lol he's just a freaky-looking namekian

"the joker is the good guy actually" -- "he's already figured me out?" elle woods what, like it's hard?

aye, the shonen way. all the chips, right now, they'll either come back later or they won't but that's a problem for a future that won't exist if the present isn't saved. -- I thought he was gonna blast mojo piccolo to bits, but instead he just blasted off again

…oh damn, I got confused and thought this was ep 13. welp. was figuring on finishing the season this sitting, so here goes

every time this opening starts and it shows deku in the school uniform I think I'm looking at yu yu hakusho or mob psycho or something, and I've never even watched those

jiro asking a libertarian with a hostage why he doesn't have a job, like that's a good idea

not missing the fact that we're seeing a villain stimming btw : / -- "these casuals are wrecking me, all might OP, plz nerf!"

"it might be the case that I can't move right now, you warthog-faced buffoon" (geddit, might)

holy shit it's mccrassidy overwatch how in fuckaroo did they get the rights to him

there's that spy kids 3 nonsense again

probably ain't much more dangerous than a villain who learns from his defeats and doesn't take it out on his underlings. wassit called, the Evil Mastermind List? that.

CAT PERSON. …the bell is a little much tho

deku: literally exists bakugo: "and I took that personally"

ayup. next season next time. maybe with less of a break between, but fucked if I ever know when I'm gonna do what. : |

#knowless watches bnha

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urban-witch101 · 4 years ago

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(Byakuya Togami x Reader? That's how this idea started.) - Danganronpa 1 Ghost AU - "They Failed."

Oh it's as funky as it sounds. Just trust me on this one. Also, big fat Trigger Warning for assault, s3xual assault, murder, and angst.

Hope's Peak Academy is reportedly the most haunted high school in Japan. After the Most Tragic Incident the world had ever seen, the class of 78 was forced into a recorded killing game run by their fellow classmates Junko Enoshima and Mukuro Ikusaba and failed to survive. The Future Foundation, after eventually beating Despair and restoring peace to the world, established the high school as a National Monument to the pain and suffering of the students and turned it into a museum recording the history.

There are too many stories of the passed students to count, some from construction workers and some from ghost hunters. These are their sightings.

============================================

Yasuhiro Hagakure is reportedly the most active ghost, which makes sense as the Ultimate Clairvoyant.

He tends to greet visitors at the entrance.

If you drop your hat or gloves and don't notice, you'll find them by the coat rack later for you to find.

Children tend to see him the most, or they hear a whispered joke in their ear if they're particularly upset at any of the Despair history.

He doesn't tend to interact with adults a lot, but he's known to follow the descendants of all their relatives or friends to make sure they're okay.

10/10 ghost, very friendly and a chill dude. Makes sure kids are okay.

Toko Fukawa is rarely seen or heard, but if she's there you know.

She hangs out in the bathrooms with the most common sightings being in the mirrors.

She's often found playing with her braids or grimacing at guests if there are a lot of people.

The friendliest sighting was when a child got lost and found their way to the women's bathroom.

When the panicked mother finally found them, their child was calm and content while playing with a stuffed toy they know they didn't bring.

When the child was guided to leave, they turned and waved goodbye to the mirror.

8/10, antisocial but harmless.

Genocider Syo is extremely active.

She likes pulling pranks on tall, skinny men, like throwing their wallets across the room and pinching their elbows.

If said men are blonde with blue eyes, they will tend to feel watched whenever the enter the building and will continue to think so until they leave.

Children tend to be scared of her, but if she sees a scared child she'll tend to leave the room so they're more comfortable.

She likes knocking over stuff, books and coffee mugs in particular.

However, if the staff scold her she'll knock it off.

She never knocks over artifacts, but people have seen her scissors rattle in their case.

8/10, harmless prankster.

Leon Kuwata can be found in the First-Floor Dorms.

People report hearing guitar strings playing in the boys bathrooms.

If someone mentions baseball around his dorm, mirrors and glass will crack or straight up shatter.

Paranormal investigators once spent the night in his old room, but they "forgot" to take off their shoes and slept above the covers.

They woke up with a blanket that hadn't been in the room covering them and their shoes neatly placed by the side of the door.

That same investigator used a Spirit Box to try and talk to him about what happened in the school.

Of course their older generations saw what happened live, but they never spoke of it.

"Do you have anything you need to say?"

"I'm so sorry."

6/10, ow.

Hifumi Yamada can be found in the kiln room in the Art Studio.

People hear camera clicks, as if he's still taking pictures.

Pencils will roll when the floor is completely flat.

He likes messing with the kiln and knocking off the hammers.

He loves playing the flashlight game.

If anyone mentions Celestia Ludenburg, people swear the room falls into a heavy and tense silence.

When everyone leaves the kiln, they feel his conflicting pain.

Anger? Sadness? They don't know. He's still grieving.

6/10, more ow.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru is silent unless he needs to talk.

He only talks if you do something wrong.

He doesn't play any of the games.

If you run in the museum, people swear they hear a loud voice telling them to stop.

If the staff breaks the rules at all, they straight up get smacked in the shoulder.

Groups of friends, particularly men, feel very welcome in his dorm room.

They all leave after a friendly, invisible squeeze is given to them on the arm.

6/10, he'll never change.

Mondo Owada has one reported sighting.

When construction to restore the building was going on, there was an incident between a worker and a girl on the street one afternoon.

He took her behind the building and attempted to hurt her.

A man in a Crazy Diamond gang jacket, which it should be noted that it doesn't exist anyore, pulled him off and hit him with a pick axe.

After the assaulter was unconscious, her savior didn't say a word; he looked at the girl up and down, presumably checking her for injuries, and passed her a card with a phone number before nodding to her and walking off.

It was the local s3xual assault line, which had been established only two years prior.

After she called the number, she was never able to find the card again.

She didn't even put two and two together until she visited the finished museum and saw Mondo's picture.

No one has ever seen him since.

10/10, badass.

Sayaka Maizono is in one of the boy's bathrooms in the dorms.

Visitors report feeling unnerved or even scared when they enter the bathroom.

She will not interact with you.

She doesn't like playing any of the games. Do not turn on the spirit box in her bathroom, the shower glass will crack.

One investigator decided to spend the night in the bedroom and turned on the shower in the morning.

When they got out, there was a message written in the fog on the mirror.

"LEON."

1/10, no fucking thank you.

Aoi Asahina hangs around the pool room.

She's reportedly like Hiro.

She's been seen walking the halls everywhere.

Children love visiting the pool room. They tend to feel excited and safe.

At night you can hear the pool splashing when no one is inside.

She has one recorded incident.

A child brought a small bag of donut holes to snack on.

Said child began to complain that "the air" kept pulling the donut holes out of his hands.

So they ran an experiment.

They dropped one on purpose and watched it roll away towards the pool room. After that, they didn't feel anymore pulls.

Now it's a tradition to leave a donut for her on Obon by the pool room or her dorm room.

Staff report donuts pulling themselves apart to share. If staff take a half that is offered, the treats are always gone by the next morning.

9/10, a whole mood.

Chihiro Fujisaki is relatively quiet.

They can be found in the boy's locker rooms by the pool.

People will smell a slight perfume over the chlorine.

Muscular men in particular will feel an odd sense of guilt when entering.

There was a guest, who was a muscular man, who took out their phone to record the room and listened back to it to find bits and pieces of the audio were gone.

They took it to a friend who deciphered it into a message in Morse code.

"I forgive you."

9/10, holy ow.

Celestia Ludenburg is only active in the kitchen.

Investigators have put on a full pot of tea water with no heat on the stove.

If they leave and come back, they'll find the pot whistling with the heat still off. The water is always the perfect temperature.

She is never active at night.

She'll only use the spirit box on Obon, but you have to make her a cup of milk tea first.

She's very picky about it.

There was one who got it right on the first try.

"Well finally," the box picked up. "Have some."

She will share details only she would know.

"I don't want to be rude, but do you have any regrets?"

A moment of silence. The cup on the table left for her shakes for just a moment.

"I have too many."

6/10, talkative but be careful.

Kyoko Kirigiri has never talked, but you'll hear her.

Staff will hear her heels clicking in the halls at night.

She likes writing in people's notebooks.

Random strangers will enter with an empty pocketbook and leave with a full one.

She loves to write.

She tells her side of the story.

If the mirrors ever fog up, she's there scratching out letters and numbers.

She also turns on the coffee pot in the kitchen.

Intuitive teenagers tend to know when she's there because they feel safer in rooms that people normally aren't comfortable in.

She writes clues to all the murders that she was never able to solve.

She's not done yet. She's made it very clear that she is not at peace.

9/10, talkative and informative.

Sakura Ogami is said to be hanging around in the recreational room where she committed suicide.

Children feel safe in there, but they never play with the old equipment.

There is an unspoken rule among them that they all know and have never discussed as soon as they walk in.

Some thrill-seekers sit in her chair.

They report feeling their head throbbing and intense nausea, some even passing out from the pain.

They also report intense guilt.

One child sat in the seat without thinking about it and they reported being fine but feeling a little sad.

She plays the flashlight game with investigators, but only if they're nice.

One turned on a spirit box and gave her a cup of tea on Obon.

"Thank you."

8/10, don't sit in her fucking chair you dumbass.

Mukuro Ikusaba is heard rarely.

Like Mondo, she has one reported calling.

In the gym, late at night, you can hear a quiet sobbing.

Children will hear a crying girl in their head:

"I didn't want this."

3/10, how is this even more ow.

Junko Enoshima is heard in the execution room.

Staff used to think there were multiple ghosts in there, but it turns out it's just her.

She laughs, cries, and shrieks.

The story is that she killed herself with her own executions after succeeding in the killing game.

At night investigators play the flashlight game with her.

Every visitor is always unnerved by her.

There is an unspoken bitterness towards her.

She doesn't deserve her success.

0/10, scary bitch.

Makoto Naegi is seen everywhere.

The Ultimate Lucky Student loves telling his story.

He's seen in windows and mirrors with his hoodie and a warm smile.

He's always kind and welcoming.

People leave him popular snacks at his dorm room on Obon.

He never speaks, he just likes watching everyone learn about them.

If children ever get lost he leads them back to their parents.

They'll always tell their family about the "nice boy with brown hair" who takes their hand gently and leads them to safety.

He feels a duty to protect the staff. They never feel alone at night. He's always there to keep them safe.

The descendant of Komaru Naegi, who happened to be a paranormal investigator, once spent the night in his old dorm room.

She reported hearing quiet crying and sniffling that morning before she opened her eyes and was flooded with a sense of relief.

Oh thank god, she was okay.

10/10, heart of gold.

Byakuya Togami is seen in one room and one room only.

He is the only one that people regularly see in the flesh as a full figure.

He's sitting in the library, reading a murder mystery novel.

He has never acknowledged any of the guests, except for one.

A small child, a descendant of Togami's old butler, gently knocked on the table to get his attention and waved politely. They thought he was a staff member.

He looked up at them, gave a little wave back, and went back to his book.

When they turned away and looked back, he was gone.

Staff will see him walking back to his room when the museum is closing up.

He's snobby, sure, but he has his manners. He won't purposefully get in the way of the staff.

9/10, super chill.

???

There is an unknown ghost that has one known/recorded interaction.

One night a paranormal investigator spent the night exploring the building.

They walked in the library to see Togami with a book and a lamp on that was previously off.

They nodded at him politely and went to the bookshelves to "find a book". They turned on a spirit box and stayed quiet.

The library door opened and closed.

They hear a passing conversation.

"Hello love."

A kiss, presumably on the knuckles.

"How was today?"

"Tiring", says a voice. "Lot of cleaning. Did you get any visitors?"

A chuckle. "Too many. I think they can see me."

"Probably."

A pause.

"Togami?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think they'll ever figure out what really happened here?"

Hesitance. "For their sake, I hope not."

============================================

Feedback would be lovely. Thank you for your time!

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modawg · 4 years ago

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if percy was famous on any social it would be tik tok

the first video he posts is him being like “how tf does this shit work wtf” bc he doesn’t realize his accounts not private

at first ppl think he’s like a fuck boy or an e boy but then they realize he’s just a dumbass

tho he’s a dumbass he’s still very smart and when shit starts going around he steps in

some ppl follow him for the looks or for his cute ass relationship but most follow for how he acts

his videos are just like dumbass videos of him and his friends being stupid

sometimes annabeth will take his phone and video him doing dumb shit like it’s a video of him climbing a fence and she’s in the background like “watch him tear his pants-oop- what i say huh what i say”

and he’ll video her like “she won’t let me leave” and she’s like “bitch do your work” and he’s like “i hate it here” and other dumbass domestic shit

he videos other random shit like there’s tik toks of just vídeos of annabeth and estelle being cute and once with him just laughing his ass off with thalia and grover talking about “dam”

he really does whatever his followers ask and answers their questions whenever he can too (he’s really good with his community)

sometimes it super cryptic sometimes it’s just cute and sometimes it fucking hilarious it all depends

he never really uses any sounds unless it’s like wii music in the background or he like really likes the song or it’s a really good trend or smth

he’s def done a makeover on his acc (like let the girls or whoever do his makeup) and he’s def put on a skirt before on his tik tok too bc his followers asked and he was like “bitch ok”

the only time he actually does audios is when a fan asks/a bunch of ppl overload him asking him to use it

he does do pov sometimes but those are on the cryptic side of his page

he’s on deep/alt tik tok

sometimes he does dances but if he does it usually with piper or rachel

he does lives like once a blue moon and when he does do them he doesn’t tell anyone (i mean a bunch of ppl still show up) but he never announces it he just starts one

his videos are either two second long with him saying smth like “how did i not know dogs had nipples” or a 60 seconds long with a bunch of clips of his family

ppl also really like his accent and their always like “ooo new york boy💖😘” and he’s always like “omg how did you know???”

he’s verified after a year but he never goes to any meet ups as a safety thing for the mortals

this is the cryptic shit he posts sometimes like it’s dumb shit like this or estelle

#heros of olympus #hoo #percy jackon and the olympians #pjo #percabeth #percy jackson #annabeth pjo #pjo text post #pjo/hoo #pjo fandom #hoo text post #hoo fandom #hoo/pjo #this is long oops

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nooniek · 4 years ago

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Since my video game posts seem to be a small kick in the world: here's Dead By Daylight (or: Noonie's take on why they suck at DBD)

(TL:DR below)

Dead By Daylight is scary as heck

I mean it is a horror game so it's intended to do that, but my GOD the heart attack sets in

I prefer to play Survivor instead of Killer, and I main Jake Park and The Executioner for both categories respectively

(I'm not good at either)

And that's okay! Sometimes I need to ask my sibling about some mechanics but I still win sometimes out of sheer luck

It just sucks when you're put in a lobby with a killer that knows how to play

Perks? I'm really bad at having a good set up of those; I pick what appeals to me and just vibe with it

Hell, my rank never gets too high (im a pip off from rank 18, which was my goal since it resets in a week)

And something I attempt to do when I'm not running for my life is greet the killer

You just do the crouch crouch and it does the thing

It works... not that often, obviously

But sometimes it does! (I do not assist the killer in finding other survivors, if they let me pass, they let me pass, if not, I'm the dumbass there)

And dont get me started on skill checks

As if I didnt already have anxiety. Having an audio cue while listening for a heartbeat SUCKS because my ear to hand coordination doesnt always work and then I die

However!

It's fun! I dont play with people I know (mostly cuz i don't have many friending people who play) so I wait 30 minutes to match up with strangers at 10:30pm and just try my best to have a good time

It's a good game when it's not glitching

Yesterday someone was unhooking me and The Trapper cut off their action by hitting them, then I was suspended 15 feet in the air.. very definitely not on the hook, but still hooked

I think I have screenshots

TL:DR

Dead By Daylight is a game! It's fun but it's scary as hell (intended)

I'm not good! It's okay! I'm also not knowledgeable about the game whatsoever so that sucks

SCREW SKILL CHECKS

The killer might let you live if you respect them

Good to play with friends or random strangers at 11 at night

And its buggy but that just makes you laugh in a stressful time! (most of the time anyways)

ALSO THE HUNTRESS' HUMMING IS SOOTHING AND IT SHOULDNT DO THAT

#dead by daylight #jake park #the executioner #pyramid head #impromptu game review #dbd #what are game mechanics #how do you game #20 emotions or less describing skill checks #the huntress #why is her humming just so #theraputic

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lothioriien · 5 years ago

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richie tozier and his zoomer teen: headcanons

A/N: I tried keeping this as gender neutral as possible, but idk it’s a lil implied that the kid’s a girl. i’m trying to learn how to write gender neutral stuff :”)

By teenager, I mean around 16-17! High school age!!

Enjoy!

Sometime in the early 2000s, famous comedian Richard Tozier went to a party and came home with a woman.

oh yeah they deffo got it on that night

But that was a one night stand kind of thing, and Richie didn’t have any contact with her until about a year later.

He got up the couch one early evening to the ringing of his doorbell, and found a basket and a bag filled with baby food, diapers, and clothes perched on his doorstep

And in the basket? A small child, an apology note from the mother, and a birth certificate with his name listed as the father.

Oh boy did his life completely change after that.

It was him and the child, against the world.

but let’s skip the details on him struggling to take care of an infant first and move on a bit to when the kid’s older.

You, of course, are the baby that was left on his doorstep, and Richie tried to be the best father he could be despite his touring career as a comedian.

He’d bring you to the shows, even if you didn’t understand a thing that went on, though eventually when you’d help him write some material when you were older.

Constantly touring with him as a kid meant you were homeschooled. But that didn’t stop you from having a social life. You’d be friends with a lot of his fellow comedians, and John Mulaney was your ultimate favorite friend of his.

you just loved the very tall and gangly twelve year old looking man named uncle john.

Your academic life though was not too bad. You’re pretty intelligent, but when it came to maths, oh boy.

As a kid, you’d ask Richie constantly about math. He’d hate the school curriculum you had because math was different back when he was younger. He’d always help you, but it was mostly the internet just teaching you both.

You’d introduce him to vines (through iconic vine compilation videos), but mostly because he was so confused with this new language you were speaking.

Eventually he’d say some vines back to you and it’d come off so weird cause he’s a 40 year old white dad. You love him, nonetheless, and appreciate the effort

A lot of your instagram stories or snapchat stories are you filming him as you sing “You are my dad! You’re my dad! Boogie woogie woogie!”

He found it cute at first, where he would smile at you hiding behind your phone and hug you after cause dang he loves his kid so much and would die for you

then later, he’s evidently so annoyed because you do it constantly. As in he takes off his glasses, puts his head in his hands and just sighs so loudly.

When tiktok became the new vine, you were on the app every single day, making it a goal of yours to become tiktok famous.

You’d force your dad to do tiktoks with you

“I love my daddy. he is my superhero”

“Famous relative check!”

BUT THE PERFECT AUDIO

“Don’t look at me like that.” “YOU’RE MY DAD. BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE!”

Gaining some clout because he is a pretty famous comedian 👀

Saying “ok boomer” to him when he’d annoy you

But then he’d clap back by being like “What the fuck Y/N. I was born in 1976, i’m not that old.”

“Yeah but sometimes you think like a boomer.”

“Ok, zoomer.”

“Dad. No. Get out.”

He’s really chill with you swearing. You definitely got that habit from him.

“What the actual fuck, Richard.”

“At least have the fucking decency to call me dad, Y/N.”

He got you into video games at a young age. Every time there was a new console or a new interesting game out, you’d both be up early to go out and get the said console/game.

And in each game you’d play, there would be hilarious commentary.

it’s basically that video with bill hader playing god of war with conan but imagine that and a zoomer’s feral energy combined.

He also got you into becoming a cinephile. Though unlike him, you read the books before watching the movie.

Marathoning a bunch of tv series together and you can never watch any new episode without him. Friday nights were reserved especially for it.

Richie can’t fucking cook for the life of him. Growing up, it was always take out, pizza, instant noodles, or mac and cheese.

He tried learning how to cook, he really did. But it was just so bad that eventually you’d learn how to do it. Then you’d try to teach him how too.

But did he get better as a cook?? Not really.

He once accidentaly set almost the whole kitchen on fire when he tried making pasta when you were 15.

“DAD, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT WATER IN THE POT FOR PASTA.”

“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT? I JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!”

“I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE BUT PLEASE DON’T EVER TRY TO COOK AGAIN.”

The following morning, he got up and learned how to make pancakes with sausages, bacon, and eggs.

It was damn good, and by far the best thing he ever made.

So his pancakes became a regular thing.

On casual dinner nights at home, he’d let you have a drink with him and be drinking buddies. He taught you how to drink and be safe with drinks (cause we stan a protective father amirite)

Speaking of protective father, he’d be so picky and open about the people you’d date

“Really Y/N? That person? They’re fucking trash and you know it. You deserve better, sweetie.”

“But dad. They’re hot.”

“That’s still a no from me, kiddo.”

Having the most random, yet somehow meaningful conversations with Richie, yet roasting him at the same time.

“Y/N, do you think I would be classified as a papi by people.”

“No. You still wear hawaiian shirts over a t-shirt. You’re too tacky for that. You’re a papa, not a papi.”

But somehow, you also adopt his fashion style?

Cause hawaiian shirts are pretty cool? Very John Deacon ala 80s aesthetic?

And then he roasts you back from the time you called him tacky.

“Respect the drip, Richard.”

Even though you always poke fun at each other, you guys are actually so open with each other and just talk about anything and everything.

Oh no when you first got your period, he was panicking and nearly bought the entire aisle of pads and tampons because he was so clueless

Meeting the Losers Club was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. You didn’t know what to expect of them or what they’d expect from you.

You clung to your dad the whole time, watching him reunite with his childhood friends. Each one of them had a look of surprise and confusion the moment they laid their eyes on you.

They found you to be like a mini-me of Richie, as both of you were clad in printed/hawaiian shirts and glasses.

“Jeez, Richie. Why’d you decide to bring a fucking clone of yourself?” asked Eddie.

“That’s my kid, you dumbass! Eddie, this is Y/N.”

“No shit, you have a kid! You got married, dipshit?”

“No, uh, it’s just them and me.”

You decided to butt in jokingly, “Joe was in the picture for a while too,”

“Joe? Who the fuck is Joe?” The minute Eddie asked this, Richie knew what was coming next.

“Joe mama.” Thus receving a high five from your father and a groan from Eddie.

at first, everyone else would not believe Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier had his very own kid, but the minute you started to get comfortable and joke around, it really clicked for them.

“There’s no doubt they’re Richie’s kid. Look at them! They’re basically a carbon copy of him!” Eddie would have exclaimed.

You‘re very liberal and open-minded, supporting the LGBT+ community and such, but you didn’t really know Richie’s stance on it.

Perhaps it was because he’d been surpressing his feelings for a specific boy from his childhood for almost his entire life, and he didn’t really talk about that topic so much.

But when you saw the chemistry between your dad and Uncle Eds, you sensed a little something there on both ends.

always saying a specific vine under your breath when you see them “two bros, chilling in a hot tub, five feet apart cause they’re not gay” (thank you to for this hc)

OKAY UNCLE EDS LIVES IN THIS AND HE’S DEFFO A BIG PART OF YOUR LIFE AFTER ONE SPECIAL TRIP TO DERRY, MAINE.

You’d say the vine so much, Richie eventually heard it and pulled you aside.

“Y/N, I- how did you know?”

“Know what dad?”

It took a little while for him to come up with the proper words to say. How was he gonna break this to you?

“Y/N..honey, I’ve had feelings for your Uncle Eds ever since we were kids. I-i don’t know, it really scared me as a kid to feel that way so I never talked about it. I guess what I’m trying to say is, kiddo, I’m gay.”

“Huh? I thought you were American?”

the man was basically on the verge of tears. He was so tense, he almost forgot to breathe. But the moment you hugged him and told him that it’s okay, that you love him so much, and that you’re so proud of him, he wrapped you in the biggest bear hug and cried. You cried too.

A/N: Imma end it here for now :)

So sorry it took forever!! I hope you enjoyed!!

Let me know if you want a part 2! 🤪

#richie tozier #bill hader #richie tozier x zoomer reader #richie tozier headcanons #richie tozier x reader #bill hader imagine #finn wolfhard #it #it movie #it 2017 #it chapter two #richie tozier imagine #eddie kaspbrak #eddie kaspbrak imagine #reddie #reddie imagine #reddie headcanons #james ransone

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bucksbisexual · 4 years ago

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAA OKAY LAST ONE OF MY OPINION POSTS HERE GOES EP12:

[breathes in]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i’m so fucking happy with this ending

it’s such a good happy ending this is truly what the gays deserve i’m just happiness in physical form rn

i don’t even know where to start but i’ll try to make this as chronological as my brain allows me because my memory do be sucking

i’m gonna put a keep reading because this shit will get loooooong kjshfkf okay let’s do this

so.. we start with PETE EXPOSING NON(T)’S BRAT ASS!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YES THATS MY BABY THATS MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!

kao’s mom being a fucking badass and telling her BOSS how to do shit. i love her yall I LOVE HERRRRRRRR

also kao’s mom telling kao that she wasn’t the most amazing person ever was so cute because you can see kao’s light bulb turning on sjfkhsgsh please i love them

yes i will say i love x after every single one of these u can’t stop me

from the teaser i thought kao would dashi run run run to pete’s house but thankfully he took a taxi lmao

at least he didn’t run there because he had to run from pete’s house (or may i say, mansion) to the POOL my man is a whole athlete oh my god

KAO YELLING HE LOVES PETE!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF A CLOSED SPACE WITH PEOPLE IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK IF THEY HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT BABYYYYYYYY

also a beautiful parallel to the scene from ep1 (i noticed there’s a lot of parallels in this episode we stan character development and repeating things just so the viewers can see how consistent the couples are)

the kiss from that scene............... beautiful amazing gorgeous idk many words in english to describe how i felt while watching and how i feel about it

to that i think we cut to sunmork but i don’t remember what happened because of the kiss KJHFKSL SORRY

anygays i rlly like how this whole episode is sun being a clingy bih and mork gay panicking while trying to act like a confident gay when he knows that sun outconfidentgays him i love them lmao

okay after that i think it’s petekao having food with their parents all together and god i looooooove this scene

pete’s dad being the lgbt ally dad all of us lgbt fellas with homo/transphobic dads wish we had will never fail to make me soft i love that man pls be my dad too

also kao’s mom :-(( i love her she respected her son’s decision on not coming out until he was ready even though she already smelled it (reminds me of my mom lmao) and was always there for him even when kao didn’t say anything :-(((((((((((

petekao bickering will never get old i swear i love every time they do because that’s so..... men it makes their characters more real

i know there’s a lot (not that much because i admit this episode was kinda short?? idk maybe it’s just me) between that scene and this one but THE SQUAD EATING ALL TOGETHER AGAIN!!!!!!!! AND THEM TEASING PETEKAO!!!!!! PLEASE I LOVE THEM

pete literally not knowing how to stop the audio and broadcasting live TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY that time when he told kao he loved him through the teddy bear...... peak pete culture

the fact that ppl love them and they have a whole hashtag on twitter makes me soft because usually when someone is famous in bls the fans hate the other part of the couple but in this one??? oh no honey we stan petekao in this household hate is not allowed it’s actually prohibited illegal

okay let me backtrack a bit skjfhsjf

OH YES I FORGOT!!!! manow wanting to talk with mork was so weird when i saw the teaser for the episode but after seeing them talk i was like oooooh okay i understand

sun saying “what’s your girl saying to my boy” is probably one of my favourite lines of this drama KLHSJFLF

rain reading their lips fskjfjsf and when mork said “fuck you rain” HIS FACE SKJFHKSJSLFJ HE WAS SCARED SHITLESS but also the end of this scene was so cute i love these three

i just did a bit of skipping through the episode to try and actual make an order out of this mess and the petekao+parents thing comes now,,,,,, anygaYS

then it’s more teasing between sunmork blah blah

then MORK SPEAKING THE MF TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! quoting the actual dialogue “it’s my choice to tell or not tell anyone. i should get to decide”

OUTING SOMEONE ISN’T COOL!!!!!!! IT’S NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!! NO LGBT PERSON WILL EVER WANT TO BE OUTED!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON’T DO THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rain had good intentions but it doesn’t mean that it was right of him to do so

okay this got serious,, sun going to rain’s bed with not one but Two pillows when barely two people fit in that bed.... oh to be that iconic and carelessly gay

back to petekao because we will never get enough of these two (which is why i’ll probably watch the our skyy episode tomorrow just to cry over these fools)

it’s so weird to see tay being like this after watching him being himself in other things like the live lunch and taynew meal date and other things i’ve randomly watched during this week to retain myself from finishing this series in a night ksfjhsfkshlks

also kao helping pete shave and pete being like do u like my moustache or should i shave it for u my lord SFHKFJ the domesticity and just the feeling of two idiots being in love i love them with my whole heart

kao staying at pete’s house because it’s both of their first days as interns and kao!!!!! he works for pete’s dad!!!!!!! pete’s dad accepted him into his company!!!!!! i love them

also the bickering between those three sjfkhs “hello im pete im from thailand” “that’s all you’ll say today” THAT WAS SO FUNNNY SKJFHSKFHSFJSFL

THE MESSAGE IN THE TEDDY BEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KAO CALLING PETE LOVE PLEASE IM GONNA CRYYYYYYYYYYYY I LOVE THESE FOOLS

okay so the squad eating together is right after this but i already talked about it ksjfhsfh next!!

idk if it’s a big time skip or a small one but guess what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MANOW AND RAIN ARE DATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY STRAIGHT BABIES YES I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU AAAAAAAAAAAAA

manow is so pretty and rain is so cute they’re both so lucky my bisexual ass is crying

pete being “angry” at kao being so handsome,,, a mood

but also.. pete being possessive was h*t

there i said it and i don’t regret it

random but i will miss kao’s annoying ass saying “about aboyz” sjfkhsfh

pete being like “i will have to give u more love bites (ffs gmmtv just say hickies we are all at an age where we know what love bites are) so no one flirts with u” and kao being like “bitch try me” sjfhksfj i’m loving bratty kao

also that scene turned into furry kao real quick KJHDKJFSHJF

okay now it’s: mork’s birthday party time!!

rain and manow arrive first and are the cutest couple around because the two main gays haven’t arrived yet (being gay AND punctual? not possible)

sun and rain fighting in the kitchen was peak siblings culture skfhksjf

mork being ready to leave his own birthday party with a stranger who also plays pokemon go just to have a battle................ dumbass bisexual energy

said stranger is eARN FROM 2GETHER!!!!!! FILM IS IN THIS TOO!!!!!!!! first the girl who plays yuri in yyy and now film who plays earn in 2gether is here too??? damn wlw keep winning (also headcanon: theyre dating/seeing each other because LESBIANS periodt)

okay petekao arrive and wont u guess whats their present for mork,,,,,, the mf TEDDY BEAR and kao rlly says that they should use it since theyre so lip sealed lmao

rain and manow literally gave mork a present not for him but for sun im- i love these two

MORK FINALLY SAID YES TO BEING BOYFRIENDS OH MY GOD DUDE U ACTUALLY HAD ME WORRIED THERE FOR A SEC

also sun being a whole koala and being a horny bitch is so funny sfhskfjskl my man has his priorities set

their last scene is so cute :-(( poor rain will have to live with this until he moves out sjfhksjf

oh boi the ending is near hhhhhhh

kao teaching his class an equation that ends up in i < 3 u is the most kao thing i’ve ever seen

also kAO IS BOOKED AND BUSY BABYYYYYYYYYY GET THOSE COINS HONEY

pete being like “u haven’t spent enough time with me lately >:-(” was cute jhkfjs my man is needy of kao and i understand that because have u seen kao? exactly

kao teasing him with not having forgotten the cup this time and pete being his possessive self was.. splendid

every reference to something that happened with non(t) hurts but also i love how they just tease each other because they know that now their relationship is stronger than it’s ever been and that nothing and no one will come between them

the scenes they show during the last last scenes :-((( BOYFIES!!!!!!

and i love how they decided to end the show with them holding hands in public

i would explain why i do but it’s 6:26 am and i’ve been writing this for at least half an hour already and my laptop is heating up a lot and im sweating because it’s hot in here so get down on the floor pipiipipipipipipi

kdjhkdfhs sorry im not sleepy this is just my brain without a filter it’s just gay shit and a big repertoire of songs

god okay that was my opinion on the last episode of dark blue kiss...........

needless to say that i will eat every bit of content related to petekao after this because writing this i already miss them and i can’t wait to watch our skyy tomorrow idk where but i will

i really really REALLY liked this drama and it’s one of the two bl dramas (not counting the untamed) i’ve given a full 10/10 rating on mdl because it’s THAT good

everything about this drama is just.. chef’s kiss i love it i will probably rewatch it when my plan to watch is empty but it’s a pretty long list so.. hopefully i’ll ignore that and just rewatch sjkfhslf

i’ll of course watch kiss and kiss me again just for the petekao, the squad and rain scrumbs because i’m sure that the petekao compilations don’t show everything

but yeah im just.. i love this show it’s been a rlly long time since i started writing this but i’m still happy because it’s so good and truly gave us a good happy ending and i swear i cannot emphasise enough how important good happy endings in lgbt media are!!!!!!!!!!

anygays im hungry and ready to submerge myself in the dbk tags, see u all tomorrow for my our skyy petekao episode version of this,,,,,

till then, stay safe ! bYE

#dark blue kiss #dbk the series #dbk #dbk reaction

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greatfay · 5 years ago

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Sabrina

Ohhhhh boy.

my all-time ultimate fave character:

Ambrose Spellman. First of all who are his parents? How is he Sabrina’s cousin? Whatever. This man is so beautiful right like all the time, or 90% of the time, idk why the other characters don’t just record his voice and play it back whenever they have a dumbass moment, a sort of audio “What Would Ambrose Do” recorder because every single time, Ambrose ends up being riiiiight. And there’s still so much about him that’s gone unexplored imo. The Vatican plot, the group he was a part of, him grieving his boyfriend from season 2?? Just saying, considering the character of Salem was split into the not-talking Cat and Ambrose, he really should be more intertwined into the plot.

a character I didn’t used to like but now do:

Prudence. She also grew on me, though there’s some issues with this show’s writing and I think it comes from Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa trying to be Ryan Murphy in the worst way possible. Yes you can quote me on this, don’t @ me, argue with your mama. Prudence and her Weird Sisters are basically the Unholy Trinity of CAOS, except that unlike Brittany and Santana, Agatha and Dorcas never get real character development, and Prudence’s cold outer shell slowly melts only to pop back up unexpectedly and cruelly, so it’s like I like her! But then she’ll say/do things in random moments that makes it hard to like her because The Writing. Liiiike her blaming Ambrose at the end of Part 3 for that thing that happened. Also casting a person of color to play a fictitious fantasy race that calls other races “half-breeds” is never cool lmao, I’ve noticed this is a trend in fantasy, basically take your character who’s supposed to be a race supremacist and cast a black person to be them and suddenly it’s not as bad—it’s worse. And anyway I’d take a whole spin-off miniseries of Ambrose and Prudence with her TWO FUCKING SWORDS prancing across the Scottish countryside and down New Orleans streets on a quest. Geralt is shaking.

a character I used to like but now don’t:

Nick. I love a bad boy. I love a bad boy with layers. Everything about his character was supposed to be a tempting fruit to convince Sabrina to sign her name in the book, and for the most part it works!!! So the Dark Lord might ask you to sacrifice a baby here and there, you get to have magic! And do sex magic with Gavin Leatherwood. And I had very different expectations for where his arc would go in Part 3. Sulking was not a good look for him. Jealousy was also not a good look for him. And the foot thing was gross af. I don’t see how his character can remain relevant moving forward if he’s not even Sabrina’s friend, let alone her boyfriend.

a character I’m indifferent about:

Sabrina. At first, I liked her characterization because as much as I’m a sucker for magic, it would be hard to just ghost all your friends. Especially if you have real friends, people who would be there for you, people you know are vulnerable and want to protect. I liked Sabrina as this half-in/half-out girl who wants both worlds and does the right thing. I also don’t mind a hero who does shady shit to save the day because I’m all about that moral complexity. But now she’s a bit annoying, like pull out your moral compass and pick a point! So I feel nothing toward her. My positive and negative feelings cancel out.

a character who deserved better:

Lilith. She should’ve been Queen of Hell. That whole plot point should’ve been stretched out WAY longer, especially the “they’re praying to ME” scene. BUT. I’ll say this. As much as I would’ve liked a whole Queen Lilith/Church of Lilith thing, miss thang didn’t really market herself at all. Lucifer knew exactly how to get these people eating out of his hands, and Lilith does… nothing! When they prayed to her for the first time, she should’ve made all the statues cry milk, butterflies sing with the voices of the dead, and a rainbow appear in the sky. It’s about the Drama, she could’ve a whole following but spent the whole season being Sabrina’s Unholy Godmother. Which of course, is due to the Writing. I’m just surprised she never betrayed Sabrina, and also her getting stuck with her abuser again is disgusting.

a ship I’ve never been able to get into:

Sabrina/Harvey. They’re portrayed as endgame in the beginning but I knew he’d always be the thing holding her back from Plot Stuff, so he had to go; plus he never had a positive experience with magic and was never going to be onboard. Next is, surprisingly, Ambrose/Prudence. I really like the Sherlock/Watson thing they have going on, but Ambrose is just so nice and Prudence so blunt that they only have chemistry when they’re fucking, and tbh my “ships” are actual relationships, not fuckingships, there has to be shared emotional baggage and communication, which they didn’t have. Ya know what… Sabrina x Prudence. Now there’s a couple I would root for.

a ship I’ve never been able to get over:

Sabrina/Nick because it was the sneeze that never happened. Feels like I didn’t even see it onscreen. Next is Tommy/Life because he shouldn’t have died, and my OTP is Faustus/Jail because he’s a fucking creep.

a cute, low-key ship:

Theo/Robin. Listen… not only are they cute as heck individually, but together it’s too powerful. And it’s such a big deal that a trans masculine main character can be the object of someone’s affections that were so strong that the character in question betrays their own family, a group of mythical creatures and gods, to do the right thing and protect him. Runner-up is Zelda/

an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it:

I don’t think I have one ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened:

Zelda/Faustus. Literally I vomit, I euuuughhh, euuuuughhh 🤢 listen I am not a woman, I don’t think I believe in incarnations? But watching their interactions triggered like… flashbacks in me as if I was a suburban housewife in the year 1958 and my husband will be home in 5 minutes and the “shrimp jello salad” I was supposed to have ready for him is a complete disaster and he’s going to beat me. I got Game of Thrones flashbacks watching their interactions.

my favourite storyline/moment:

When I actually thought Sabrina killed one of the Weird Sisters was a great moment for me personally, also liked the flashbacks of Lilith in the dawn of Earth, also loved Ambrose and Prudence’s adventures across the world.

a storyline that never should have been written:

That whole nightmare hallucination where Theo (before he changed his pronouns and name) woke up in a “boy’s body” was so intimately disgusting and terrible and problematic, it almost completely undoes every good thing about Theo’s storylines and the representation.

Harvey getting accepted to some artsy private school only to be haunted by nightmares of the Dark Lord??? Where did that go again? I forgot.

my first thoughts on the show:

Dark, creepy, stylish. I like it.

my thoughts now:

Messier, sometimes frustrating, still dark, still stylish. I like it?

Ask me about a tv show/movie series/book series!

#zerograviga #caos #chilling adventures of sabrina

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pumpcdupkcks-blog · 6 years ago

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CCTV footage caught KJ APA being taken to the clubhouse outside town. Audio suggests that it’s actually SEAN MATTHEWS, the TWENTY-ONE year old THE REVELLER. HE was taken because HIS FATHER IS THE CHIEF OF POLICE and apparently they DON’T KNOW their kidnapper. HE is CONCEITED as well as CHARISMATIC, rumour has it that they’re BISEXUAL. Don’t get too close though, after all CHARLES MELTON, CAMILA MENDES, LIAM HEMSWORTH, ANY FC might be watching.

ayyyy it’s your girl jenna, v excited to be back with a brand spankin new character. amazing. however, this is my ghost doing this intro, as i’ve scheduled the post bc i’m leaving for vEgAs in the morning and i won’t be able to actually start interacting for probably like......2 weeks. (great timing i know). HOWEVER, feel free to message me on here for plots!!! i’m gonna be checking in periodically (probably a lil drunk) to check messages.

ANYWAYS HERE’S MY BB BOI

FIRST OF ALL, he’s a fuck boy. rich, spoiled, high key thinks he’s better than most people, and probably v salty that he’s stuck in this house with a bunch of crazies instead of at a party hooking up with some random chick

his dad’s the chief of police and gets him out of literally everything. if it wasn’t for his dad’s job he’d probably be in jail for all the drunk driving/possession/drinking underage/stealing/everything he’s been doing for years

his dad is also kind of a dick, which is why it’s not actually that surprising to him that he ended up in this kind of situation. bc the old man can really piss people off, he’s very particular and strict (ironic right?)

issa huge flirt, will probably flirt with you to try and get what he wants he’s v good at that.

he’s also real pissed he’s here lol. will probably get the shit beat out of him multiple times bc why should he listen to the people that kidnapped him????? he’s a dumbass

has a lot of hope that his dad will soon find him and come to his rescue, like he always does. poor guy

#peril:intro

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esselley · 7 years ago

Photo

Kinktober #1: Aphrodisiacs | Sleepy Sex [NSFW below cut]

"Ship's log, stardate 2291. Second Officer Kageyama reporting from the planet Cary… Caryo-fill—filla—"

"Just call it the Pink Planet."

"Shut up, dumbass, I've got to use its name—"

"You can't even pronounce its name, give me that—"

"Hinata, STOP—"

The ship's log plays from Kageyama's personal recording device. The audio is tinny and underwhelming, but it seems almost too loud in the otherwise silent med bay. A scuffle seems to be occurring over the recording, before the talking resumes.

"Ship's log, stardate 2291. Second Second Officer, once removed, Hinata reporting—"

He seems to be running. Distantly heard: "You are not an officer!"

"Everything on this planet is pink, looks the same, and Kageyama got us lost because he—"

Hinata's voice cuts off into a wheeze, presumably due to being tackled by Kageyama. The sounds of Kageyama swearing loudly while Hinata screeches carry on for a few more seconds, before the whole thing cuts off entirely.

Captain Oikawa and First Officer Iwaizumi look, with a certain mix of exasperation and dull amusement, first down at the PDR, then at each other, and then, finally, at the other two occupants of the med bay.

Second Officer Kageyama and Second Second Officer (once removed) Hinata, do not meet their eyes. The two of them stand there, stark naked, hands clasped in front of their bodies to preserve whatever slight shred of modesty they may have remaining. Oikawa doesn't see the point.

"I knew sending them there was a mistake," Iwaizumi says. He seems mostly exasperated. “Can you... explain... what happened on the planet?”

"It would have been fine if they'd read the handbook," Oikawa says. He's definitely amused.

Hinata blinks at him. "What handbook?"

"This," Kageyama says, "this is why you aren't an officer."

Caryophyllaceae is a class L planet, which means the atmosphere supports human life and the air can be breathed outside of an extraterrestrial environment suit, but the planet still remains unsuitable for human population. Oftentimes, this is due to the flora and fauna inhabiting the planet. Though Kageyama has read the handbook (he still has trouble with the name), he knows that nearly every species of plant on the entire planet is poisonous.

Hinata, unsurprisingly, has not read the handbook. Hinata is an engineer, and strictly speaking should not be allowed to accompany Kageyama on a mission to scout a new planet as it is. But Oikawa has taken a liking to him, ever since Hinata managed to save the ship from almost certain destruction at the hands of some less than friendly intergalactic visitors while the rest of the crew was captured (Kageyama helped, but repairing damaged spacecraft is not his forte).

Oikawa calls Hinata "chibi-chan", and apparently thinks they make a good team. Kageyama disagrees, nevermind the fact that he and Hinata have been sleeping together for going on four months now (if fucking in the engine room can count as sleeping together). Oikawa is almost definitely aware of it. Kageyama is only becoming more sure letting Hinata tag along was a mistake, after two hours of exploratory overtures.

So far, Hinata has succeeded in nothing aside from being annoying, interrupting Kageyama's ship's logs, and blaming Kageyama for getting lost (not Kageyama's fault). He also will not shut up about how pink everything is, because he's never been planetside anywhere but Earth, so an alien landscape is blowing his already easily blown mind.

Caryophyllaceae is definitely pink. In the early days of the planet's rotation around the sun, before it was knocked into a different orbit, most likely by a small meteor, it had developed a very specific hue across the board for all living things upon its surface. All the plants, the trees, the spongy vegetation below their feet, the occasional insects and small reptilian species Kageyama has spotted—everything is colored in bright, candy-coated shades of pink. It's so lurid it all seems unnatural, but on this planet, the color is nature itself, like green and blue on Earth. Even the sky above has not entirely escaped, a pale, milky color reminiscent of strawberry milk. It makes Kageyama instinctively thirsty.

Hinata has been gawking openly, ooh-ing and aah-ing over every single weed as though each is a masterpiece previously undiscovered. This leaves Kageyama to do all the actual work, like collecting samples and documenting his findings, which is another reason he resents Hinata being given leave to come along. He's useless.

Possibly more than useless. Kageyama hears him utter another delighted squawk, turns, and shouts, "HINATA!"

Hinata has stuck his face deep within the blossoms of an enormous, Valentine's-day-pink hanging flower—the stalk is taller than he is, the bud is bigger than his whole head. He pulls back, and Kageyama sees his nose and mouth are covered in hot pink pollen.

"Kageyama!" he yelps, "It smells like—"

Kageyama doesn't get to find out what it smells like, because Hinata, without warning, pitches straight forward onto his face, like a freshly pollinated, and probably very poisoned, pancake.

Fuck. Kageyama lets out a yell of frustration. He rapidly transmits a distress signal to the bridge of the Apex, before rushing forward, crouching to roll Hinata over onto his back.

"Hinata? Hinata!"

Hinata is still awake, but barely. He is, however, smiling, and when he sees Kageyama hovering over him, the loopy grin he's wearing only widens.

"Ka-ge-ya-maaaa," he babbles, and then yanks Kageyama down by the front of his shirt and kisses him.

Kageyama is not prepared for it. He thinks, in the back of his mind, that he should be better at intercepting these surprise attacks—because even when not under the influence of whatever toxin is currently in his system, Hinata is prone to randomly sticking his tongue in Kageyama's mouth at every available opportunity. But Kageyama was not prepared, and now, they must pay the price.

It's like… the sensation of a large, overstressed bubble bursting in the back of Kageyama's mind—a sudden and rounded pop that unleashes a tidal wave of warmth across all his senses, like standing under a low power showerhead when its first turned on. He feels light and heavy at the same time, a little bit sweet—the flavor, not the disposition, if it is possible to feel like a flavor. He supposes Tsukishima is salty all the time, and Oikawa is pretty bitter, so maybe it is possible after all.

Following on the heels of the sweetness is a sudden ambush of lethargy—not exhaustion, but contentedness, the kind that makes it a happy occurrence to laze about with nothing to do and nowhere to be because life is good. Kageyama rarely, if ever, feels this way, and it is this second sensation that puts him back on his guard.

"H'nata," he mumbles, "Na… ta… we—we need—back to the Apex—"

"Nooo," Hinata moans, from somewhere underneath him. Dimly, Kageyama realizes that he has also fallen, right on top of the engineer.

"We're… poisoned…" Kageyama tells him. And then, to punctuate this urgent and shocking statement, he yawns.

"Whatever," Hinata responds, "we gotta have sex."

This at first makes no sense to Kageyama's sleep-addled mind, until very suddenly, it does. In multiple ways.

The first way is that, as soon as Hinata says this, Kageyama realizes that he does have a very urgent need to put his cock in, on, or around Hinata, at least once, but probably more like a lot. The second way is that he is now acutely aware of the fact that he is harder than a diamond, with Hinata's soft… softness squeezed up under him, and he groans because the thought makes him ache. This leads to the third way it makes sense—he feels like he's been blue-balled for hours, maybe days, with the level of agony he's in, just thinking about sinking his dick into all of Hinata's heat—Hinata always feels so good around him, so tight and hot, hole sucking him in so needily—

"The—poison—" Kageyama gasps, "it's making us—"

"IgottacomeorI'mgonnadie—" Hinata says all in one breath, and yes, that is probably a very realistic assessment of their current situation.

But Kageyama is so sleepy.

"H-help," he mumbles, trying to rub his face against Hinata's face, his chin, his neck. Everything feels so good but it's not enough. "Hinata… clothes…"

With their uniforms in the way, he can't feel Hinata properly, but it's all that he can do to weakly squirm around on top of him while fighting off falling into some kind of forced slumber. Hinata, who probably inhaled more of the pollen than he did, is even worse off. He just lies there looking absolutely silly, expression utterly blissed out, a tiny, rapturous smile on his face as Kageyama painstakingly peels them both out of their clothes. They're both sweating like they've got high fevers—actually, maybe they do, Kageyama realizes, when he splats his body on top of Hinata's and feels the way he's absolutely burning.

"Mmm," Hinata sighs, slowly starfishing his arms and legs out at his sides like he's trying to make a foliage angel in the soft pink moss beneath him. "Mmm, naked Kageyama… makes me so happy…" He keeps tossing his head lazily from side to side, laughing at random intervals, stretching his arms out above his head as he starts to roll his hips. His hair has fanned out under him against the moss, clashing terribly.

If the poison doesn't kill Kageyama, Hinata might.

"You are such—an idiot—" he says, "f-ffff-fuck—"

It feels like he is discovering heaven as he writhes, stupidly and slowly and sweatily all over Hinata's slick body underneath him. But maybe Hinata is the angel, sent to him amidst this obscenely rosy hell—his whole body matches at any rate, thighs flushing, nipples like rose petals, stomach and chest turning a darker shade of red.

"I really… want you inside me…" Hinata mumbles into the air, almost too soft for Kageyama to hear.

"No," Kageyama gasps, "no lube—"

"Then later," Hinata whines, "when we get back—"

This is an optimistic statement, considering Hinata has just poisoned them both, which renders both his bargaining leverage and possibly their chances of survival rather low. But Hinata is ever the optimist.

"I was really excited," he sighs, as Kageyama reaches down to palm his balls, before slipping a finger against his entrance, rubbing it lightly. Hinata keens and Kageyama can feel the way the ring of tight muscle quivers at his touch. "It's m-my—my first time on a mission. I w-wanted to… nnhh… wanted to celebrate with you… oh—I—was gonna ride you… so hard…"

Kageyama feels like he blasts his brains out through his cock when he comes, metaphorically suckerpunched by Hinata's revelation of his plans. It's like the unbearable heat is rushing out of him through his dick, taking some of the pink-hazed fog in his brain with it, and then he’s moaning, splattering Hinata’s stomach in a truly ridiculous amount of cum.

When he finally manages to blink his eyes open and look at Hinata again, it’s to see that Hinata has actually managed to fall asleep while Kageyama was busy orgasming.

“Hinata,” he says. Hinata doesn’t stir. Kageyama hopes he isn’t dead, and starts rapidly smacking him lightly, on his cheeks, then his stomach. Hinata jerks awake very suddenly, and keeps talking, like he’d never stopped in the first place.

"I wanna," he whispers, very slowly and painstakingly raising his hand so he can smear his sweaty fingers aimlessly all over Kageyama's face. Kageyama refuses to find this adorable. "Wanna ride you like a rocket…"

"You're the worst," Kageyama tells him, and Hinata's eyes roll back into his head.

Kageyama is momentarily terrified that he's actually finally succumbing to the poison, as his whole body heaves up and he arches his back like a cupid's bow—but then Hinata comes in a hot, sticky rush that seems to last forever, while he shakes like a leaf in a gale, pulling up whole handfuls of moss in his ecstasy. The whole time he cries out, wordless bliss, except for the few times Kageyama manages to make out his own name.

When he's done, he slumps back against the ground, breathing evening out, eyes shut. Kageyama leans in closer—he's starting to feel a little bit back to normal, but Hinata has again passed out cold. Unsurprisingly—the toxin was probably a shock to his system. Neither of them is dead, though.

As Kageyama thinks this, he notices something strange. The cum on their stomachs, instead of drying, or doing any other normal, cum-like things, seems to be—evaporating. It ghosts upwards into the air, turning cloudy and buoyant, before being whisked away on the breeze.

"What the fuck…" he mutters, right before swirling blue lights surround their two bodies, and he realizes, they're about to be teleported. Frantically, he starts grabbing for their clothes, his data findings, the PDR. "Shit, wait, wait—"

They disappear.

"Sex pollination," Oikawa informs them with an air of superiority, having now been told the story (sans most of the finer details). "The plant induces the urges, and once the act is completed, the resulting fluids act as both fertilizer and a way for it to spread its pollen to the surrounding area."

"Basically, you two are bees," Iwaizumi explains.

"Ohhh," Hinata says. "Cool!"

"It is not cool," Kageyama hisses. "What if we'd died from—from—our dicks exploding, or something?!"

"Crass," Oikawa sniffs. "And unlikely. The symptoms probably would have just faded after several hours. Poison doesn't always lead to death, Tobio; you should really do some further studying."

"Can we be dismissed?" Kageyama demands. He is entirely ready to end this debriefing, and put on some pants.

"I suppose so," Oikawa agrees, "if only because I don’t want to be present when the second wave hits."

Kageyama blinks. "Second wave?"

"You have to flush all the toxins from your body, obviously," Oikawa says, and then smirks. "I doubt you'll get much rest tonight, but make no mistake, you will still be expected for your morning shift on the bridge."

"I'll be there," Kageyama vows, then spins on his heel. "Come on, Hinata."

Hinata bounces along after him readily. Other parts of Hinata also bounce in turn, rather distractingly, and Kageyama wonders if the second wave Oikawa was talking about is hitting, or if this is just a normal reaction to Hinata in the nude. Either way, they need to grab their clothes and get out of there, fast.

"Where are we going?" Hinata asks.

"My… quarters," Kageyama grunts. "I need you to help me flush out the rest of this shit."

Hinata's face lights up. "Yes! I still get to celebrate!" he cheers, and Kageyama feels himself start to burn.

The captain and first officer watch them go.

"When do you think they'll figure out there's no second wave?" Iwaizumi wonders.

"Honestly," Oikawa says, "I'm not sure they will. But I am looking forward to seeing how grumpy Tobio will be tomorrow morning."

If you’re curious about all that engine room sex, I have another fic set in this verse here! Caution: contains hyperjump orgasms.

Apex verse felt like a nice beginning to Kinktober -- “boldly going”, and all that :D We’re kicking OFF!

#kagehina #hinata shouyou #kageyama tobio #haikyuuwriters #kinktober2017 #kinktober #kagehina fanfiction #haikyuu!! fanfiction #haikyuu!!#esselle writes #tumblr fic #apex #aphrodisiacs #sex pollen #some people may say i am obsessed with making banners for my series now #and they would be correct #but it's kinktober!#i gotta do it #essie's hq fic

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crowkingwrites · 7 years ago

Text

12 Days

Pairing: Ramsay Bolton x Reader

Fic Request: Christmas is soon lol! So, I thought of that idea: Ramsay has a huge crash on reader, but she don't even talks to him and probably doesn't even know who he is, and he's chosen to be her Secret Santa (well, he cheated to get her) and he decided to make her 12 presents in 12 days based on 12 Days of Christmas, but, you know, in Ramsay's style. And after first and second presents she's like 'omg he's such s cutie', but than she receives the third and is like 'omg he's hot' And while they're together she confesses that she knew he was her SS after 4th gift, because she recognized his voice (and that it made this present even hotter), and she, actually, always thought he was amazing and had a little crush on him with all his 'bad boy' attitude.

Words: 2563

Tagged: (@blog-lady-vi)

Read on Ao3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12967560

Secret Santa was a scared tradition among the Northside young adults of Winterfell. Inc. Robb Stark held it every year, and he would gather the names and assign everyone at complete random. It was tradition. It was sacred. However, nothing was sacred to Ramsay Bolton.

“Give her name to me,” he said.

“And why should I do that?” Gyrff Whitehill said. “I quite like Y/N. She’s been so nice to me.” They both looked across the modern office to you. You wore a wonderfully cute Christmas sweater with a matching skirt. You laughed with Sansa and Jeyne Poole.

“If you don’t, I will slash the tires on your pretty Tesla that your daddy got you,” Ramsay threatened. Gyrff immediately frowned.

“You wouldn’t,” his voice dropped.

Ramsay opened his switchblade in front of him. “I would.”

Gyrff Whitehill gave up your name to Ramsay faster than most could chug down eggnog. He rubbed his hands together with a wicked smile on his face. He watched you as he made his way back to his desk. He liked the way your lips curved as you smiled. The way your hips swayed as you walked. But mostly, he loved the way your eyes dilated when it came to murder, his absolute favorite thing.

You had been so kind to everyone, but when you locked eyes with him during an office retreat, he fell over almost instantly. Ramsay wanted you so badly. Knowing that Christmas was your favorite holiday, he had a plan to make you his.

He settled into his desk and looked at his twelve days of gifts and notes. “Tis the season.” He smirked.

The first day you found a gift on your desk was a happy surprise. A bottle of spiced cider with a tag around it stood tall on the corner. You picked it up and smiled. Suddenly, Sansa and Jeyne appeared behind you.

“What is it? What does it say?” Jeyne giggled.

“It’s cider. This must be from my Secret Santa,” you winked. You turned over the red and white tag.

You better watch out, Santa Claus is coming to town! There’s more where this came from. Get excited, pretty one. –SS

“There’s more?” you questioned. “I’m getting more presents?”

“Oh, he called you pretty!” Sansa said. “Looks like you have both a secret Santa and an admirer.” She nudged you. All three of you whispered to each to who it could be while Ramsay watched you smile from his desk.

On the second day, you had just got back from lunch with a rich client who loved your work on your last project and wanted to talk about future projects with you. You found a beautiful white box wrapped in a red bow. Inside sat two chocolate turtledoves.

You looked around the box and saw no note, but you took a bite out of the chocolate. Seconds later, your mouth felt hot and you saw the chipotle pepper inside the turtledove. You waved your mouth to get the heat out, but you couldn’t help but laugh.

“He must have the hots for you, huh?” Jeyne made finger guns at you while smiling.

“I think it’s cute! I wonder if he’s cute,” you pondered out loud. Ramsay sat comfortably at his desk smirking to himself.

“Oh just you wait, Y/N,” he muttered to himself.

“What?” Gyrff said. Ramsay glared at him.

“Mind your own fucking business,” Ramsay said. “And zip your pants, you look like an idiot.” Gyrff looked down to his pants so quickly that he fell over in his chair.

The third day was particularly rough for you. You slept through your alarm. Your bus was late. Your mom had called you to ask if she could invite your ex to the family Christmas dinner “because the poor thing needs a good home cooked meal”. It wasn’t even 8:30am and you wanted to press the “I’m Done” button for the day.

That’s when you saw it. The pretty colored butterfly knife on your desk in the same corner. It had the colors of the French flag and the blades were new and sharp. Whoever this secret Santa was knew you very well. You smiled to yourself and played with it a little bit.

Ramsay’s mouth was wide open when he saw you play with your new toy. “Oh, look at you go. You already know how to use that? Oh, what a good girl. What a lovely girl you are.” He continued to watch you in wonder and awe as you flipped the knife back and forth therapeutically.

Ramsay exhaled through his mouth as he listened to the iPod for the last time. The first three gifts had been successful, but this one was the riskiest he had to date. He wrapped the earphones around the device and put it inside your drawer. He put a small note on top of your desk. He looked at the note again.

Should he even be doing this? Was this too creepy? Of course it was. Some admirer he was. Telling the girl he crushed on how he felt through music and audio clips of describing what kind of dirty things he’d like to do to her. Oh yes. Very romantic.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps and Ramsay fled to his desk quickly. He almost tore off his jacket and threw his bag against his chair He kept his head down and pretended to work while you opened the small note.

You looked inside the drawer to find the iPod, but the note told you to wait till you were home to listen to any of it. You shrugged and went on with your day. You did as you were told and waited till you were at home to listen to the iPod.

You heard songs from tragic musicals such as Hunchback of Notre Dame to hard and fast electronic music that put you in a big mood for sex. You heard the first audio clip.

“Y/N, I don’t claim to be some poet or artist. I was never good at things like this. What I do know is that I hunger for your attention. Every day I see you I want to be so selfish with you. I want all of you. Every inch of you.”

The music kept playing, but the words lingered on you. This was no admirer. This Secret Santa had intentions with you. Before you knew it, another audio clip played.

“You are the prettiest sin to exist. I will take you. I will have you whether you like it or not.”

“Oh my god that’s the hottest thing I ever heard,” you said aloud. You covered your mouth suddenly. The next day in the office you played with another weaponized gift, a golden knuckleduster, while talking to Jeyne about the iPod.

“He said that?” Jeyne gasped. “That’s creepy.”

“No it’s not!” you argued.

“Says the girl who dated a drug dealer,” Jeyne rolled her eyes.

“You dated a drug dealer?” Sansa questioned with a concerned look. You waved her off.

“That’s not the point. I think I might know who my secret Santa is.”

“She likes dangerous boys,” Jeyne explained to Sansa. “She always has. It’s her thing.” You rolled your eyes at the other two. Ramsay watched you intensely. He had hoped you would have reacted differently, but this would do. It was a gamble after all. You knew how he felt now, but his identity was still safe with him.

On the sixth day, you couldn’t wait to see what was on your desk. You had tried to piece together who your secret Santa was. You had one theory, but you always shook your head at it (even though you secretly hoped it was him). You arrived at your desk to find something small and beautiful.

It was a small locket. Nothing was inside, but it felt special. You put it on and admired the tiny heart. Your phone started to ring and you answered it with a groan.

“What do you want Todd?” Ramsay could hear you from across the way. He stood nearby the printer to listen to the conversation.

“No! Why can’t you just leave me alone?...No, you can’t come to the family Christmas party…Because I said so, dumbass…Todd, I swear to God I’ll hang up this phone…Go fuck yourself!” You hung up the phone and ran your hand through your hair.

“I thought you were done with Todd,” Jeyne commented.

“Yeah, so did I,” you went on. “He thinks because my mom likes him that we can get back together. I’m so disgusted! He thinks he can do whatever he wants and never face the consequences.”

“I know, sweetie. Karma will get him,” Jeyne patted your back.

“He has such nerve,” you were visibly upset as you vented to her. Ramsay’s anger almost boiled over, but he had to keep his identity a secret. “He asked me out tonight saying ‘we need to talk about things’ and ‘its Christmas I should be nicer to him’ Can you believe that? He wants me to go to this sleazy ass bar on 15th street.”

That was all Ramsay needed.

The next day you gasped in shock to what you found on your desk. Several pictures of Todd’s face bloodied up from a fist fight. You took the inappropriate pictures and kept them to yourself as you looked through each one.

His black eye, his swollen lips, and bruises on his arms brought you glee. You held onto the silver locket and smiled to yourself. Yes, this secret Santa man was perfect for you. You looked through the pictures again just to catch every detail.

“Hey what happened to you last night?” Gyrff asked Ramsay as he threw his backpack over in the corner. Ramsay didn’t have a black eye, but cuts on his nose and face. Ramsay smirked to see your heart so happy over violence.

“I made her happy. That’s what happened,” he responded. “I gave her what karma failed to do.” The next day you found nothing at your desk, and you frowned. The secret Santa had stopped his wonderful gift giving until you got home. There, in a long whit box, was your next gift.

You took it inside and unraveled it. On top was another note.

“Careful, sweetling. I’ve watched you for so long now. I could almost see you wearing these.”

You lifted the tissue paper and felt heat rise to your cheeks. The first set was a lacy innocent white. The bralette had fit you perfectly, and it came with a set of tights, a garter belt, and panties that matched. The second set was all black, and it had the same bells and whistles, but the black set came with a collar with a silver tag that said ‘Sweetling’ in a heart.

You waved yourself to cool yourself off. Secret Santa had turned up the dial here, and he was getting to you hot and heavy.

The next night, you found another box on your doorstep. You bit your lip in anticipation for the wrapped box. The small note only contained one sentence: “A hint of what is to come.” You opened the box to see an assortment of adult toys. Some small, some big. All of them matched your black lingerie set you had received the day before.

You wanted to practice, but some gut feeling told you that your SS wouldn’t want you to just yet. Still, the anticipation of what was to come excited you. You strolled into the office the next day to find a phone number on your desk with the words “Text me –SS”.

“Oh, I got your phone now, huh?” you muttered to yourself, without missing a beat, your whipped out your phone to text your secret Santa. Within seconds, you receive a reply. A picture of a young man with his button-up open and his tie askew. His bare chest showed underneath.

SS: Do you like what you see, sweetling?

You almost squealed where you stood. You covered your mouth and tried to stay calm. This was your secret Santa? What a naughty boy he was! You looked over the torso again t see if you could identify who he was. Another picture came through. All of the buttons were undone and you could spy the band of his underwear sticking out.

SS: I could show you more if you want ;)

“Jesus Christ, this man,” you gasped louder than you wanted to.

“What? What is it?” Jeyne jumped up and looked at your phone. “Oh my god.”

“I know,” you whispered.

“Is that your secret Santa?” Jeyne looked closer. “He can climb my chimney.” You took your phone away.

“He’s mine. You can back off,” you nudged Jeyne. You laughed and kept looking at the pictures. Ramsay tucked in his shirt from across the way and smiled to himself as he went back to his seat.

Ramsay left his last weaponized gift for you in your car. He closed your door and waited in the parking lot inside his own car. The snow was falling slowly, and everyone was leaving for work. He watched you open the box carefully at his own instructions.

He watch your face change with awe as you looked at your new pistol. It was a matte black with ‘sweetling’ engraved into the side. He had it made just for you. He read your lips as you read his note. ‘In case Todd tries something again. Tomorrow is the last gift.’ Ramsay watched your smile grow.

He sat back in his car knowing that he’s made you this happy so far, but tomorrow would be the big day. He would finally reveal himself and his biggest gift of all. It was a big risk, but he was so sure that you felt the same way.

Friday afternoon Ramsay waited by the private car he had rented to take you both to the airport. His thumbs twiddled on his luggage. He instructed you to meet him here at 6:30pm. It was 6:35pm. Maybe you weren’t coming. Maybe it was too much.

Ramsay saw headlights arrive at the rendezvous. You got out of the passenger side of the car with your luggage. You smiled to see him.

“I knew it was you,” you greeted him.

“You did?” he raised an eyebrow.

“I recognized your voice from the audio clips, but I think I just secretly hoped it was you,” you confessed. Ramsay took your luggage from you and packed it into the rented car. The driver took off onto the highway where traffic was heavy.

“So, you hoped it was me?” Ramsay’s hand touched your knee. You nodded.

“I just think you’re pretty amazing with all the work you do and I really like your attitude you know?” you were unable to meet his eyes with your confession. He lifted your chin, forcing you to meet his eyes.

“You shy, little thing,” he cooed. His eyes went to your chest. “And you’re wearing the black set I bought you.” You nodded and bit your lip.

“So, what exactly is my 12th gift?” Ramsay’s hand went further up your thigh.

“Pleasure, nothing but pleasure, starting now,” he smirked as his hand stroked your panties. You had a feeling Ramsay was going to be generous this holiday.

#12 days #ramsay bolton #ramsay snow #ramsay x reader #ramsay snow imagine #ramsay bolton imagine #one shot #fic request #christmas #christmas one shot

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baronvontribble · 7 years ago

Text

Original drabble, pt. 7

Navigation: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

looool

Faking a cough and telling his boss that he needed a few days off was easy. Writing an email to the his contact down the pipeline and telling them that he'd need a few weeks was much, much harder. The wording had to be just right; they didn't really have specific codephrases or anything, but they never said anything outright either. He went through several drafts before finally settling on one that he was satisfied with.

em-

gonna have 2 postpone that lunch date downtown this weekend. got a helluva leak & the landlord wont do shit so im gonna have to fix it myself. will hit u up when i have the time again

-marshmallow

ps: ill pay for ur train tickets dont worry

He leaned back in his chair and stared at it, letting out a nervous breath. "That'll work, right?"

"It looks appropriately misleading to me," Adam said.

"Emily's a smart kid, I've worked with her before. She should be able to pick up on it." Ted folded his arms and continued to stare at the message. "And hopefully it'll just look like I'm postponing a date with an out-of-town girlfriend to anyone else."

"I noticed it's a different email than the one tied to your phone."

"Always has been. I've got what, five different emails now?" He shifted in his seat, joints creaking from spending too long in his computer chair. He hadn't really moved too much since that morning, and it was well past noon by then. He'd been making sure he could deliver on what he'd promised. "The phone's the weakest link. Thing is, the messenger's the only thing installed on it, and no one in the pipeline uses that particular app for messaging since it's dated as shit. Mom uses it, but that's about it, and I doubt she's gonna rat me out even if she finds out what I do."

"How can you be sure of that?"

Ted smirked. "She works at a hospital that's run almost entirely by robots. Divorced my dad over it being a good idea to do shit like that to begin with. I'm pretty sure I know what side of the fence she's on with the whole AI thing."

"I see." That was all he had to say on that, apparently. After that little freak-out earlier, Adam didn't seem to be in all that wordy of a mood. But then, he was busy trying to tag still images with what he saw in them in another tab, so Ted wasn't about to hold it against him.

Well, it wasn't like Ted lacked for conversation topics. "How's it going so far? The tagging, I mean."

"Badly." A few seconds later he broke his non-chatty streak to elaborate, "I'm going by colors for now. I opened up a second page that helps me match hexadecimal codes to both specific and generic color names, but that's usually as far as I get. It doesn't help that lighting seems to have an effect on what appearance a given base color might take."

And the dumbass was probably sampling those colors pixel by pixel, too. Using brute processing force was one way to master the process, Ted supposed.

"Don't feel bad if it takes a while. You'll get the hang of it."

"You sound way too amused by this."

"Who, me? Never. I'm the very essence of stoicism."

Adam had a smile in his voice when he spoke again. "Liar."

"Yeah, alright. You caught me." Ted stretched out in his chair and stifled a yawn, joints popping as they flexed beyond where they probably should. "I'm just happy you're figuring it out. I mean, even just realizing that you can cross-reference is a step in the right direction."

"It would be easier if I knew what I was looking at."

"Want me to help?" Partway through the process of typing his email, Ted had realized that the help he could offer might not be so well-received. He didn't want to make things harder than they already were; he had to be tactful, wait for permission. He couldn't just insert himself into proceedings like he so often did. This was a delicate situation. He knew that now.

Or he could be overthinking it. Adam couldn't quite sigh, but he could portray some semblance of relief in his voice. "I'd appreciate it," he said; a moment later, the laptop had been tabbed in to the correct window so Ted could participate. "Try to restrain yourself from giving bad answers to fuck with me. This data has to be accurate."

"I know, I know." Ted did know. Really. "But gimme a minute, okay? I'm gonna plug in my mouse so I can use it to point things out to you."

"Right."

And so it began.

The images were little more than stock photos, and the 'game' was to tag as many details as possible. Matching up with what other people had tagged it with meant a better score. Ted was observant to a fault, so his results with such things in the past had been mixed at best as he sometimes noticed things that no one ever bothered to tag. This made it all the more viable as a learning tool, because not only was Adam learning what other people tagged the image with and why - seeing what an average person might be able to glean from it - but he was also having the tiny details pointed out to him by someone who was way too anxious to not notice basically everything.

Since the goal was not just to get Adam to be able to notice details, but to also have him act convincingly human while doing so, this gave him a reasonable benchmark for what he could mention he'd noticed to an average person without looking like he had a weirdly photographic memory with the perfect ability to recall anything and everything. To Ted, this was step one. The average person sees a duck in a pond - maybe even identifying the duck as a mallard - while the hyper-observant person sees that it's overcast and around midday from the sky's reflection in the pond's surface or that there's a gum wrapper and a bit of soggy bread clearly visible in the murky water near the detritus-littered shore.

It was the photos of people that were really a nightmare for Adam. For all his ability to pick up on all the tiny nonverbal cues present in an audio recording, he couldn't so much as even guess at gender presentation of random people in stock photos, let alone their expressions or body language. Ted had to walk him through every last detail, and these were the prettiest, most unambiguous sorts of human beings to boot. The photos were dominated by tall, broad men with either lantern jaws or facial hair, and soft, curvy women with round faces and perfect contouring; women had long hair, men had short hair, and children were dressed as either very male or very female to match the adults. Ted found them obnoxious.

And that wasn't even getting into indicators of disability or profession or anything. Just once, he'd like to see more average people pop up in these things. He was downright relieved to get back to pictures of sheep and grass and flowers and buildings and boats whenever he got done with tagging a person. Not-people didn't bother him nearly as much.

Either way, somewhere along the line he lost track of time completely.

"You should eat something," Adam said out of the blue at one point. Ted straightened up in his chair and shot a glance at the clock in the corner of the laptop's screen, only to frown at it like it'd betrayed him.

It was almost three in the afternoon already? Christ. "Probably," he admitted, stretching out with a slight wince. "Feel like you're making progress yet?“

"I don't know. How do you 'feel' progress? It seems like something that should have a clearer definition than to just feel it."

"Hey man, don't knock feelings. They've got definitions, those definitions are just subjective as fuck." Ted was smiling as he said it, mirroring what he'd heard in Adam's own voice. Both of them were joking. Adam knew full well what Ted had meant, he was just taking a jab at the presentation. "Do you think you've made progress so far?"

"Yes." Adam sounded terribly smug, as if to say see? That was all you had to say. "It's slow, but once I know what I'm looking at, it makes things easier."

Ted shoved off from the desk and stood, taking another moment to stretch. "Cool. Then I'm gonna make some pizza rolls."

Off he went. "Those are bad for you," Adam said as he wandered off. "Humans need nutrients. Pizza rolls are not nutritious."

"Don't care," Ted replied. Along with the pizza rolls, he made sure to retrieve a soda out of the fridge as well just to be contrary. It was hard to care about minor health hazards when he so often had major ones to worry about, and people telling him that he probably should care only made him less likely to do so. "It's calories. It'll work as a stand-in for lunch until I get to dinner."

"I don't think that's how nutrition works." Several seconds passed as Ted wrestled with the packaging, got a plate, and put everything in the microwave.

"Ted. I looked it up. This isn't food, Ted. It has about the same value as eating cardboard."

"Ayep." Ted cracked open the soda and took a swig as he turned on the microwave and let it spin.

"Do you do this often?"

Ted snorted. "Uh, do you really want me to answer that question?"

"According to this site, when the potential long-term effects of such a poor diet are combined with your outward symptoms - such as being the wrong color for a human - it's a strong indicator that your kidneys are probably failing." Adam spoke as if he felt he was the absolute voice of authority on this, and Ted shook with silent laughter as he leaned against the counter. "I think you should get bloodwork done."

"Dude." Good God, what kind of website had Adam even managed to find? Ted felt like he was talking to his grandparents after they'd spent three hours on an online medical journal and decided he looked like he had some obscure genetic disorder that would give him pulmonary fibrosis (whch he didn't). "That 'being the wrong color' thing? It's genetic. I have practically no pigmentation. It's not gout or scurvy or whatever the hell you've found on the internet, just albinism and shitty lighting."

Silence reigned for at least ten full seconds. "I see."

"I take vitamins, alright? And I know my diet isn't all that great, but it's not like pizza rolls are all I eat." He was about to say something about how Adam had seen him eat other things, but then he remembered that Adam couldn't actually see all that well. "Besides, if there was something in my bloodwork, my doctor woulda told me last time I had a checkup. See, unlike some humans, I get those pretty regularly."

"Right." Then, "I'm sorry."

"What for, man? I'm not mad. Hell, at least you care." He'd take a little overworrying anyday if it meant someone was at least trying to understand his problems. It was kinda cute. Big tough super high-tech AI worrying about a squishy human. "And y'know, if you wanna know what's actually wrong with me, all you gotta do is ask."

The microwave beeped, and Adam considered. "You'd tell me that?"

"I tell people all the time."

"No, that's not-" He cut himself off mid-rendering, and Ted raised an eyebrow over in the direction of the living room while pulling the pizza rolls out of the microwave. "Isn't that like telling me how your code is written?"

Huh. Ted had never thought of it that way. "Not really. It's more like, uh... I guess I figure that telling you what versions of what software is running isn't exactly going to give you access to any of the passwords protecting my data, but it will tell you how to work with what I've got going on." Was that an accurate analogy? This barrier to understanding really did go both ways.

The fans weren't quite roaring, but they were definitely humming away audibly in the background; it was always so easy to tell when Adam was mulling something over. "Yes, I would like to know. If that's all right."

"Fine by me." With a plate in one hand and a drink in the other, Ted came back to the not-a-desk and plopped right back down in his chair. "For starters, look up Ehlers-Danlos syndrome."

A minute later Adam asked him how the hell he was alive, and he almost breathed a mouthful of pizza roll.

#no one cares andy #original characters #original writing #robot and marshmallow

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