#and it works so much better verbally
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he makes me so crazy. most repressed man in the world chooses a career that encourages and feeds his repression and within that career enforces professionalism to the upmost
#id in alt text#disco elysium#wild to me when people hc kim like. talking harry through his emotions. he Would Not Do That#he ACTIVELY discourages harry from feeling things or discussing his feelings#idk i'm only like halfway through the game maybe it changes later on but. i feel like it maybe won't#he certainly reassures and comforts harry when necessary but actual verbal expression of emotion is wayyyy out of his wheelhouse#his advice for harry on getting through a total mental breakdown is 'focus on work it'll make you feel better'#he sucks. i love him so much <3
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notoriously awful at remaining up to speed on current events and trends
worse still at keeping in touch with my friends and my loved ones
had to ask my partner if it was me who cleaned the dishes or him
dissociation is so exhausting, dudeā¦ it just gets worse as you get older and take on more responsibility
i kind of hate thinking about the people i care aboutā¦ they must think that i donāt give a fuck about them, but i doā¦ im just in a constant state of confusion
i donāt know what to say to people directly, other than saying sorry and slinking away
always in apology to others and confusion to myself
thatās not a good friend to have, is it?
the reality is iām living moment to moment, confused, a little scared, a bit excited
youāll see me online but not quite presentā¦ if thereās one constant here, itās that im sorryā¦
im sorry
im sorry all the time
i wish I could be better to my friends
#dissociative disorder#unspecified dissociative disorder#im sorry if this came out the blue a little bit#Iāve just felt likeā¦.. really truly horrendous about how little I keep in contact with people#how little I know what to say#I think itās why DE was so impactful for meā¦ Harrier as a character#he just makes so much sense in my head with how mine works#with the chiming voices and the strive to be better#I want to point at it to everyone and say this is how it works up here in my skull#but Iām less verbal than that to be fair#idkā¦. this has made me really sad the past few months#im gonna be okay#I just donāt want my friends to suffer me much to be honest#im likeā¦ a ghost? and they deserve more than a ghost#idkā¦ā¦.. sorry new followers but likeā¦ not reallyā¦
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Were they each otherās first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?
Whoās better at comforting the other?
For any ship or selfship that you would like! :) <3
Well when left to my own devices today I'm just gonna do Mariocest because the movie has infected my brain. Thankyou very much for asking.
4. Were they each otherās first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?
They were each other's first everything. They've always been together. I can't imagine either of them ever had another relationship. Maybe a handful of crushes, they both probably got asked out once or twice, but they're so much more important to each other than anyone else could ever be. They're each other's everything.
8. Whoās better at comforting the other?
I could see this going either way, because they know each other so well. Mario has more experience comforting Luigi, and Luigi has a better range of emotion than Mario. Does that make sense?
I'm gonna say Luigi's better at comforting Mario. Mario faces the problem head on, where as Luigi knows how to take a moment to be upset, let that feeling out, and calm back down first.
#Mariocest#Thankyou for asking#shipcest#I apologize I'm going to be talking about this for a hundred years it seems#I just. I love them.#They are eachother's everything#I really am soft for a Twincest ship that's just. I don't know where I end and you begin we have ALWAYS been together#I love them I love them I love them SO much#They are a PAIR. Do NOT separate!#Not to say Mario doesn't feel a wide range of emotions btw I mean like#When your an emotional guy (coward) you end up knowing your own emotions and other's emotions a lot more#Out of necessity#Maybe I'm projecting#Anyway Mario's first step to Comfort is put himself between Luigi and the problem#He wants to take whatever it is head on as physically as he can#He's also a lot quicker to get mad FOR Luigi in situations rather than like. Empathize and feel Luigi's emotions#Meanwhile Luigi seems Mario frustrated or upset by something and thinks#'What would make me feel better in this moment?' And the usual answer is a hot plate of pasta and someone to listen#And yeah that works for Mario too#He's a verbal person Mario he says his thoughts and issues out loud and it encourages him to get back up#Take the issue on head on like he likes to#That's what I was trying to say but I didn't want to talk for nine years in the actual post#Thankyou again for asking very blessed with my Mariocest obsession being fed
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this clip of Alex in this wonderful interview makes me feel so insanely valid regarding my Jack takes right down to the motherfucking time frame
#I hate that tumblr won't let you reblog a post with a video#obv no one is going to outline the personal details I speculate but there is plenty in here for me to run with!#and just knowing they as people are in a better/far enough removed place to actually verbalize these things says so much š„ŗ#everyone's different roles....the leaning on each other. none of this is groundbreaking it's just working human relationships#but after watching and yelling about it for years and years it's nice to know I'm not fucking delusional#and now. we will never know anything ever again š#alex gaskarth#interview#video#all time low
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Me when i just gened a whole pair and then a new breed drops and itd fit the pair lore and appearance wise so much better when will the pain end
#vani verbals#flight rising#said thru grit teeth at least the genes they have are cheap#my latest undertide pair would work so much better as a fathom pair....#based on the lore tidbits weve seen of them so far#and i think theyd look better too since i cant stand how either adult UT pose looks#this is so painful. and its happened . TWICE NOW#i completely gened my plague UT pair as faes RIGHT BEFORE UNDERTIDES WERE REVEALED#SO I HAD TO REDO THEM#AND THEN I HAD TO REDO THEM AGAIN WHEN THE GENE EXPANSION FIR THE BREED DROPPED#*AND THEY ARENT EVEN POPULARRRRR*
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listen okay ive been going on about this for like a week now but i just think it's a little funny that ever since i had to stop therapy there's been a MASSIVE increase in my writing. it is not only a wonderful creative hobby but also helps me get through shit and process my emotions and i dont think that's bad at all! but i am living up to the stereotype of creatives Not Being Okay and i do love that and think it's a little bit funny.
#in fact. the less okay i am the better my work gets and that is sooooo toxic cancel me#i wont fuck myself up TOO bad on purpose de#*dw#but anyway i keep being told by even like GOOD therapists that i know all the things anyway and i just verbally work out the problem w them#listening rather than them give me advice so maybe i should just continue this i might actually Be Good. ........ for now.#and YES i know it's probably a bit of a maladaptive coping mechanism but im autistic im allowed one (1) maladaptive coping mechanism as a#treat. and i dont watch tv and havent been gaming SO LET ME HAVE THIS#i must CREATE WITH MY HANDS it feels so much more relaxing to me than doomscrolling and also silences the developing workaholism by giving#me a Product#OKAY IM SHUTTING UP NOW I HAVENT TALKED MUCH TODAY IVE JUST BEEN WRITING SKFBDJDJ#'im shutting up now' i say on my Own Blog as if anyone gonna read this anyway wkfjeksjs#in my can't stop wont stop era fr#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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today in girlfailure hours: got sacked
#now im jobless loveless friendless (not really but yk) broke and degreeless#at least i had the job working for me. time to get on indeed dot com#donāt ask me what happened. i was careless and forgetful one too many times#and apparently sneakily opening your phone at the till to read the book you have downloaded while you wait is a no-no#i donāt know how iāll explain this to my mother but w/e.#wish my workplace got blown up or something. this is so much lamer#bracing myself for impact (all sorts of probably justified verbal abuse) (itās okay i can watch a sylvia noble scene later on and feel#better through recognition of self in recognition of the other. or something)#at least i got to be snarky at the end and genuinely say āmaybe iāll find a real place that actually pays me next timeā before i left#jamie.txt
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Waiting on seeing if a more solid job wants me and if not I'll explore some other options, that'd be real nice to have a consistent, scheduled job again but a lot of WFH stuff entails very specialized experience and certifications and/or regular phone and Zoom use with customers and not just coworkers/higher-ups and that is way not my jam. This is also just a weird time of year for jobs anyway based on my experience
#my audio processing goes out the window on phone calls#and sometimes I'm non verbal so that's just not a feasible thing for me/unfair to customers to have to deal with that#any digital meetings I've been in had the chat as well and we just did that and actually speaking was reserved to admins/etc.#which is a format I enjoy very much lmao#vena vents#not art#Having a job that forces a schedule on me even if we can make our OWN schedule makes my mental health get way better#even the part time job that I worked like 10-16 hrs a week was a big mood boost (and I miss it)#Because even with WFH I still clocked out and was done for the day
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no bc i agree i think kirishima can only handle being cool headed for so long but like does he feel bad for snapping that bad or noš¤š¤š¤š¤
(ref post here! - @/katsukikitten)
of course he does!!! ....kinda.
i mean. i think it depends of if it's really your fault or not. and the situation you're in.
Like if he snaps when you aren't aware he's in a bad mood, or you're just trying to be helpful about something, like stress or eating enough (he never means to actually make you cry) ...
but if you're picking on his nerves about something you know he doesn't like? it's not like an apology is completely out of the question......... but he's not exactly going to feel... bad, either.
gives an apology that's more like a reminder, so to say. a hug and a kiss to remind you that he loves you, but also a stern look that says "you better not do that shit again" (gee, i wonder who he learned that from?).
i also think there's, idk, maybe three/four outcomes?
the nice one where he coddles you, the mean one where he coddles you but doesn't feel bad.......... the one where he fucks the shit out of you (gentle) to make you feel better, AND the one where he fucks the shit out of you (mean) if he can't think of any other way to make it up to you AND get the message across at the same time.
it's a lil freaky.
#kirishima#he def has that weird problem where you can't tell what is too much until it's WAY too much#so you'll be giggling laughing playing with him and not realize he's at the end of his wits#this is like... if he's busy or not in the mood or whatever (not like when you're both into the play fighting)#and that's really what hurts#and yeah he feels guilty abt not being clearer (even if he does feel like you should know better)#and i also feel like ... he gets upset if u can't tell what's important to him#for ex. like staying home from work or not caring about certain things#he just can't verbalize it in other ways than yelling it out#i have no idea#sorry kitten if this ask was meant for u!!#but thanks for letting me answer anon!!!#making me crave some blood riot out here#anon#caitie things#gen
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Work retail, they said. It will cure your social anxiety, they said.
It's been five years. Not only has my social anxiety NOT improved, but I have all kinds of new anxieties! I get nightmares about rotisserie chicken availability! Even if I'm at other stores and off the clock, I freeze in fear when the music turns off and the paging system turns on! I flinch at the ringtone of the store phone! I can feel fear curdling in my stomach if the phone rings when there are no cars in the parking lot because that means it's almost certainly a customer complaint! The word 'coupon' fills me with dread in any context now!
#vent post#negative#veresiine irl#posting this because God willing I will be leaving this job soon#because my physical and mental health are deteriorating pretty rapidly#and with all the changes corporate has forced on us starting this summer#all my coworkers are on the brink of collapse too#there are a few more specific anxieties but basically#the only fear this job has helped with is fear of being hit by a motor vehicle#because we have so many near-misses all the time and also frankly broken bones sound better#than working here on a rough day#it's a parking lot so people are going low speeds so a collision probably wouldn't be fatal#honestly I'm much less traumatized by that time I almost got shot in the store parking lot#than I am from some of the verbal customer interactions I've had#in part because I got like. actual support. 'go take your lunch and get something good. Do you need to go home?'#'you were so brave for going through that. I'm so glad you're safe'#vs the verbal abuse is just. an expected part of the job#even if I do get sympathy from coworkers if I cry#why am I - an autistic person with severe social anxiety - working customer service (both in-person and on the phone) anyway?
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if u ever wonder why a reply takes me a while its bc it sits in my drafts like this for 30 years
#i come up w one piece of dialogue and write that#no but this one little line is. i actually have paragraphs worth of action and expression in my head for this reply i just have to.#i have to work out how to make it something that isnt hard to reply to if that makes sense#like jase is very introspective and doesnt always have the most. Outward responses to things#but i know that can be hard to work w in threads so i try to give a little something without it feeling ooc#if u look at jases blog from 2019ish its just. its All Dialogue he spoke so much bc i was scared to not give dialogue#but we have grown since then i have learned to better have communication without always being verbal ab it#now when he talks hes very iconic and funny actually#obviously this little bit of jason being all 'healing isnt linear!!!' is soft and meaningful#but i also think its so funny for him to just 'its not a line ā¤ļø' so true buddy
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me vs the urge to rewrite my bio for no reason
#i say for no reason there is one it's because i wrote it almost a year ago and i think i could both do so much better now#And have established things that don't. necessarily contradict whats in there but are more specific#idk i think part of whats making me feel weird currently if the nature of having to leave so many things open#on one hand i like doing that both to adjust to other peoples portrayals and to have different opportunities for dynamics/aus based on that#but i . am worrying a lot of what i do comes off as character inconsistencies.... beyond just. the complexity of who michael is naturally#i dont know i am trying to pinpoint why i'm feeling weird and like i'm not really bringing anything interesting and that?? makes Some sense#but also it's quite literally not that deep and i have other things to worry about rn KDFHSDJSF#this is not me looking for reassurance or anything lmao i'm just trying to verbalize my thoughts so they stop bothering me and i can get my#fucking work done instead JHDFGSJ#ā ļ½„ļ¾: i was looking for a jobā and then i found a jobā and heaven knows iām miserable now ā ooc
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in celebration of my/our love Angel being introduced this past week Iāve been working on a re-paint of the Handkerchief Moment and not to toot my own horn, but Iām really proud of how the background came out and particularly of these two
Ignore the big olā hole itās for Aki (heh)
#uggghhhhh I donāt want to tag this bc I simultaneously do not want anyone to see it and want to show it off#This Is For Me And My 60 Followers And For Us Alone#i spent So long on this fucking background. So Long. i could NOT figure out how I wanted to render it#tried a whole bunch of shit and then pulled a Karina āāDelete Your Artāā Farek#(though I guess itās more of a Julia āāDo Some Freak Shitāā Lepetit move)#and just smudged and splattered and threw random shades everywhere#and after that I was likeā¦.oh. this works perfectly#after Iāve painted in The Gays I might do some more value work#try to make it a little more varied without drawing the eye too much#potentially add in some random color bits? very desaturated ones?#i dunno! point is I Made Progress and Did Something Scary#also Iām doing the entire thing on one layer which is also terrifying.#okay have I done enough tags for this shit to be buried#you used to just have to worry about the first 5!!!!!#now anything can show up in the followed tags page!!!!!!!!#itās terrifying!!!!!!!!!!#anyways#chainsaw man#i thought of āoRYginalsā for an original post tag but idk how I feel about it#feel like it works better verbally than when itās just text lmao#a n y w a y s.#if this does show up in the tag pls be nice I havenāt posted my digital art in at least half a decade#oryginals
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the way i fully cannot move my arms above my head right now. #mma
#general#sorry i know people talking about the gym is super annoying. um i just love fighting people physically so much that i need to share that lov#e sometimes. verbally to other people even. the joy in being so so so so bad at beating up men but GETTING BETTER#i'd be general neutral im open to beating up anyone but unfortunately only men are in literally any of my classes. so.#well. getting beaten up by anyone is a better way to put it. with where my skills are at.#love to spend my days on somewhat hopeless incredibly grueling tasks (MMA and japanese language acquisition)#not even trying to be good just trying to work towards sort of okay
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friends are making plans to go stay with each other but it's the weekend I'm going to see my favourite band. the universe fucking hates me
#I CANNOT have a third rsd episode in the space of a month i will kill myself. or at least do near irreperable damage#wish i was joking. i feel like im going to throw up even just thinking about it#well. well i can skip the concert i guess. i saw them last year anyway theyre just doing a second europe tour of the same album#and theyll probably release another album in a few years and i can see them again then#ahhh. ah okay okay i cant think about this right now ill decide at the weekend its not for a few weeks anyway#ahhhhhh but maybe theyre doing this bc they dont want me there idr if they know abt it already and if they wanted me there they would#plan it with me from the start instead of telling me once theyve already made the plan oh i cant do this right now i will Spiral#im going to take a cold shower š#to clear my head i was just starting to feel better @ my brain like that dont fucking ruin this for us andy samberg corgi gif#its fine i dont need to panic. im just frazzled from work i lost the ability to focus after like 3pm but they kept sending me emails with#stuff they want me to do before the end of the week and i was having stupid levels of task paralysis trying to think about it#bc i dont have time to fit everything into my schedule and its multiple projects so much thought. and my meds dont help anymore by then#AND ppl kept coming and finding me and giving me samples and verbal instructions for things and i couldnt write down bc i was busy#so ive probably forgotten smth important its fine its fine its just work#and tomorrow morning my meds will smooth everything out i can organise it then. but just made me feel so mentally congested#and ive had no signal again so couldnt even open tumblr to complain abt it#cold shower and then im gonna make stir fry so i have leftovers for lunch tmr to fuel me for the gym. and ill get my gym stuff ready#and i need to get my shit together bc im calling a friend tonight and i am NOT going to fall apart in front of them š#its all good its okay ill make everything work out#okay. showertime#.diaries
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i love beimg unable to sleep
#sometimes there is a hole inside of me instead of a person and im so TIRED of it#pomodoriwhines#the weird fucked up thing is that i can forgive my ma even though she has. kind of fucked me up for life#and yes of course things will get better. but like. christ. she wasnt a parent when she needed to be#and that shit is LITERALLY time sensistive#goddddddd#i mean at least im at a point where i can somewhat verbalize it#but christ this is so much fucking work#like. i understand she had nothing to give because of her own trauma and untreated mental illness#but it absolutely fucked me up. and like half of my sense of self is. gone. because i cant even talk to that side of my family any more#*slams fists onto my bed and ragescreams*#anyway. spange voice. SQUIDWARD. I WANNA GO TO BED
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