#and it will blow over in a few weeks
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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FROM APHRODITE AND THE LOVERS, TO OUR LITTLE DOVES 🕊️💌 to celebrate the release of the ethereal lovers club, we're offering a limited-edition cassette of the album exclusively for our top fans on spotify. a limited quality is available for this offer - until april 30th or while supplies last - so act quickly!
mc & band for @infamous-if [templates] [psd]
#ch: aphrodite#graphic#graphic: aphrodite#so i have a new wife. and she's horrible but she's hot and talented so it's fine#been waiting for an excuse to make a popstar for years at this point and the infamous IF finally gave me one lmao#infamous if#created bc of the if but bound to spread out across verses bc i'm already thinking so far ahead for her tbh#this set created w the vibe of like. between starting to get noticed > upgrading to mainstream#aphrodite's her chosen name n they really dug their heels in w the aesthetic/themes after she became their sole lead singer#caption is a play on those emails you get from spotify when a new album comes out bc why not it's silly#anyway i've been staring at this for about a week and i'm getting fuckn sick of it bye#if you notice a mistake no u didn't <3#edit: blows a kees to kite for putting up w me yelling about this in dms the last few days ily#edit 2: how'd it take me over a week to realize i didn't mention the if in the captions yikes
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In honor of having binged well over half of The Looney Tunes Show, I decided to take what I learned of the show's artstyle and revisit my TLTS sona Micah Lambelle— and with a few design touch-ups as well as a hefty deal of stylizing, I was able to draw a full render of her as well as a few exemplary doodles to compliment it! 💙✨🏳️⚧️
#⭐ Star's Art ⭐#Looney Tunes OC#Looney Tunes#The Looney Tunes Show#TLTS#Micah Lambelle#Fursona#S/I#Self-Insert#Coolness#Well... I did stay true to my promise in that I would draw her again soon... even if that was ten months ago#Though I much prefer this version of her over the one I posted last year. All the small improvements add up!#Seeing as Miss Lambelle has been a hit amidst a few mutuals of mine— and that I've been binging TLTS— I thought I'd draw her again#Interestingly this is my first full art piece in about two weeks that I've drawn with my art tablet#Two of the three doodles on the right-hand side were actually drawn entirely by mouse#Then I figured since I was having so much fun drawing her that I could revisit her design and make it a little less plain and more animated#I'm quite proud of what I came up with; it certainly blows my previous drawing of her right out of the water! 💙✨#P.S. — Lolabelle (Micah Lambelle x Lola Bunny) is canon because I said so!
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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trying to tell myself that the massive deterioration of my hair in such a short period of time means the meds i’m on are working. technically i’m only starting my 5th months but im desperate for results soon.
#i’m just now realizing that my hair doesn’t look too bad because i’ve been combing it over the really awful parts that are getting worse#but the last few days#i’ve been social and outdoors so#the wind blowing really makes it obvious how little hair i have#it’s also super frustrating seeing how fast other people get results while on finasteride#my best friend has a noticeable bald spot on the back of his head and like 4 weeks on fin#made it completely disappear#what the fuck
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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end
#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask#december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery#and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc#and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh#every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night#oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes#and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester#and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu#oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well#and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also#pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc#so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal#honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know#like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc#but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated#also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm#is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is#incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship#so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year#at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately#i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new#my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper#and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been#like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare#idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling#and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa
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ooc: i haven't been around in a HOT MINUTE and would like to go about changing that but i'm going to make a quick psa that i also am not involving myself in or acknowledging high stakes stuff—outside of some of the team winter plot, when it resumes, since bryony already has stake in that (even if i missed the unova freeze because i wasn't blogging at all). i'll tag anything i do involve myself in appropriately!
#ooc: missed y'all though#ooc: probably won't be posting again for a few days or maybe a week or so to let all this blow over a bit tho
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hmmm
might rework the betrothal au a lil bit
#betrothal au#lego ninjago#okay so. realized last night that marina's ''are you satisfied'' is the PERFECT skylor/betrothal au song fr fr#and even before that i was having some brainrot thinking about like. modifying the backstory a bit to make things more interesting#so cole being brought to chen's island for a few weeks each year from when he was five to thirteen#and him and skylor being childhood friends from that#also gonna wring a tiny bit of drama out of cole never mentioning the engagement to the other ninja#esp since this is after rebooted so jay and cole are still perfectly primed to blow up at each other over the slightest thing#and ofc i'm keeping the shenanigans!!#cole & skylor pretending to be in love to fool chen is so funny and has so much potential#they're doign a waltz out in the courtyard and while dipping skylor cole grimaces and says ''this is the least romantic thing we've done''#and ofc ofc we have kai misinterpreting things and getting on cole for the perceived rivalry over skylor's affections#like. oh my god i'm so glad i have this au it's so funny and skylor gets to have an Actual Friend during her childhood#cole using his half of the yinyang pendant to get every chen's noodles order for free. they just look at it and promo every item while cole#stands there smugly
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i do not know if i ever sent this to you. i have posted it. i hope you like it Princess.
#uhhhhhm no you HAVE NOT SENT THIS TO ME BEFORE?!?!#I literally am speechless#I’m not super talky right now#but even if I was I feel like I’d still be fucking speechless#like I already said I love your writing 🩷#and it fucking BLOWS ME AWAY when people write about me or use me as an inspiration#like????????? what??????? me???????????!#I’m going to keep this close to my heart and look at it whenever I’m feeling down#I don’t remember if I said that already but it’s true#I need to get a journal or a cute box to put things like this in so I can just grab it and look through them when I’m feeling shitty#one thing I needed to say is the fact that you shared this with me now of all times??? is kinda crazy to me#idk if it’s a coincidence or if the universe/God/whoever/whatever is trying to tell me to go back into music and singing#not going to go into it too much but I’ve been looking at my life a lot lately#and I’m realizing I’m not getting any younger…. I know I’m still young but if I don’t do something soon -#my life is going to completely pass before my eyes and I really really don’t want that#I’m *finally* going to get mental help soon (long story but I have to wait a few weeks)#and once I’m actually mentally stable I can focus on what I want to do with my life#so I’ve been thinking a lot about my performing arts background and then randomly a get an email from a choir director I know#asking if I could please join the choir for their Easter performance cause they could really use my high notes#and she just kept complimenting me and it felt really nice ☺️#then when I went to the first rehearsal I sat next to this girl and we were singing a part and the first sopranos go up to a high A#and I can hit it easily but most of them couldn’t so it felt like I was going this mini solo lol#but she asks me what my range is and I told her that back when I trained I could sing queen of the night which I think goes up to an F6#and she was talking about how impressive that is#and it made me think about if I actually trained and got back into it how good I actually could get#I don’t mean this to be like ‘look at me look at me I’m so good’#it just feels nice to have a little bit of a direction again#who knows if I’ll actually go down the music path again but it does sound damn exciting#I miss it with all my heart - I miss singing and performing and acting… I even miss music theory#anyway rant over and i ran out of space but thank you so much I seriously can’t thank you enough 😭🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
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Holy shit I have really been making my insecurities everyone else's problem and lashing out on them based off of my assumptions of their opinions of me and then making myself I to the victim
#my feelings are valid in many of these cases#however my reactions are always way too far#i freak out way too hard and ill obsess over it and harass the person until they say what i want them to say#i thought other people were being rude for not wanting to communicate with me but im just really overwhelming#this is a really rough breakthrough because ive been treating my partner and mom like shit over it#yeah they make a few remarks every now and there that kinda sting but ill fester on it for days or weeks#and then eventually just blow UP at them#i hate myself so much right now#but at least i caught the behavior so i can work against doing that
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*
#not me going down an etsy/ebay/amazon rabbit hole trying to find something to use my 3 year old birthday money on#I made a wishlist and I have been going through the items on it trying to see what average prices are and such#the problem with that is that my birthday is coming up again and my mom knows about the list and IDK if she's bought any of the these thing#would it be more worthwile to buy a polaroid camera or the printer that connects to your phone/computer#and makes ur digital photos into polaroids#...i have sooooo many photos that i could print off#i need to make a few books with them#i also need to stop looking at knife shaped letteropeners#and pretty scissors and sewing/fibrecraft paraphernalia#and candle snuffers/wick trimmers (we can probably get those at yankee candle the next time we go)#{the new advent candles my mom got this year splatter the table with wax if you look and them while thinking about blowing them out –#– i ended up putting a glass bottle over them to put them out for like 2 weeks}
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I'm still bothered by the fact that the white-looking 80 year old man down the street who knew little English drew me into a conversation and then basically said that I look like I'm from North Carolina based on my skin color
Racial prejudice truly has no (language) barriers
#I know it happened over a week ago but to deal with that the day before my birthday when I was having a good time in PR#I would've ignored him but I didn't want to be rude since I passed by his house all the time to get to the beach/dock#and I know that old people just say out of pocket shit if they grew up making bigoted comments but damn#just blows my mind the offensive things people would say directly to a minority's face thinking it's ok#just bc they aren't explicitly calling you a slur#excited to move back to the East Coast where there are a ton of melanated Black people bc I'm over being in places with so few of us#the thing about the comment to is that both my parents are immigrants#so the man's comments is literally based on the assumption that all Black Americans are there cause of slavery#and he said I look like I'm from NC after he asked where I'm from by listing off states like Texas or California#would he have said I look like I'm from there if I said I'm from Minnesota? ABSOLUTELY NOT#let me lay off this and get my ass to work#this might get personal
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i've never used a sideblog before. i'm recognizing their limits. very unfortunate.
#still can't reply to posts i think? i can only reply from my main blog is that right?#idek guys i liked my little multi fandom throw it all in one closet corner#i could do a new blog i guess. but i don't want to.#i'll wait a few weeks maybe this'll blow over and i'll just be able to use mondfahrt again#until then...#well. we'll see.
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ive made a post like this and then deleted it b4 but it's relevant again. soooooooo annoying how your subconscious can dump dreams on u about things u thought u were feeling ok about
#im ok dw tho just hashtag sad posting bc tumblr is my diary#it's been weird. i’ve had 4 dreams in the last week over the same thing. quite frequent#also like prophetic or whatever u wanna say bc i checked discord today after a few days of not going on#and seeing deleted user in place of a name when it was still there just logged out a few days ago was like a blow to my fucking chest ngl#bc the dreams always involved coming back to discord and talking again :/ instead it’s the opposite in real life. anyways live laugh love#shut up kelci
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#it's 1am and the first time I've had time to think about him in a few days and I'm just wishing i was a better person#i liked the fantasy of it and i liked the attention and i liked how he made me feel. but there's no denying we were bad for each other.#even in the weeks he came back I was totally scattered trying to prioritize him over everything else#waiting for him when i had no right to. he did me a service by cutting the cord.#i would have spent forever looking over my shoulder wanting him to show up.#and i can't give that emotional labor to anyone else. I'm sorry if I'm blowing you off but i don't have the capacity for shared intimacy.#don't get mad at me for not reciprocating when you know i don't have room for you. I never claimed to.#i like how dudes think if they're my shoulder to cry on they can slide right in. that's not how it works sorry not sorry#personal#I wonder if you think about me.#🍑
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