#and it wasn't like. 2 episodes long break. it was like. first episode. hey this is good. week and a half later. second episode. month later

[youssefguedira]

being a predominantly movies only incidentally tv person is very funny sometimes. finally got through episode 4 of ripley last night, a limited series with only like 6 or so episodes, that i started watching over a month ago

[f1swiftiee]

Tipsy (part 2) - LN4

pairings: lando x fem!reader, leclerc!reader

summary: ever since the first time lando saw y/n walking around the paddock, he could keep her off his mind. after his maiden win in miami, y/n and lando spent the night together. after that night, their communication stopped, that is, until y/n reached out.

a/n: hey!! im so sorry it took me this long to put this out! i kinda struggled writing this because i wasn't really sure how to make the story go, but i hope you like it!! a few details had to be changed to make the story make sense. also, some of the info might be incorrect. as always, not proofread, so feel free to point out any errors! part 3 coming soon!

warnings: unplanned pregnancy, mentions of drinking, and that's all??

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Ever since that fateful night in the hotel with the wags a few weeks ago, things had gone haywire. You were constantly in a state of restlessness and were yet to tell Lando. You didn't know how to tell him. You couldn't just go up to him and say, "Hey, just wanted to let you know that you're a dad now. Congrats!!" You were still trying to figure out what to do, and even though it was difficult, all the wags were there to support and help you. Still, only you and the wags knew of your pregnancy, and you had forced all of them to swear to not tell their partner, in fear that they would tell Lando or your brother, Charles.

౨ৎ

You were walking out of the doctor's office, after your pregnancy check-up, heading over to Lily M's car because she had insisted that she should drive you around for the time being so that you would be able to have a break. Your mind kept replaying the same words over and over again that your doctor had said. "Yeah, everything looks great so far! Baby is healthy, and you have a low-risk pregnancy." You weren't sure how to feel. Sure, you were glad that your baby was healthy, but you still couldn't believe that you had a child growing inside your womb. In a few months, your whole life was going to change, and it would never be the same again.

As you sat in the car, you saw Lily, with a bright smile plastered on her face. "Soo, how'd it go?"

With a look of uncertainty on your face, you told her, "The doctor said everything was great."

"Hey, brighten up! I know you're scared and this wasn't how you planned things, but look at it on the brighter side! Me, Kika, Rebecca, Carmen, Alex, and Lily are becoming aunties because of you! Plus, you're gonna be the best mom ever!"

A small smile began growing on your face, and a few small tears escaped your eyes. You reached over and hugged Lily, both of you just sat there in silence, not wanting to let go. After about thirty seconds, you finally let go. "Thank you Lily. I really mean it. I couldn't have done this alone without you."

"y/n!! Of course! That's what a best friend is for! You know, I'll always be here for you, whenever you need, even if it means I have to drive over to your apartment at 3 am with ice cream and watch your show with you."

You rolled your eyes at her, "Hey!! I was really sad that night because the dog died in that episode!"

"My point still stands," Lily remarked, shrugging her shoulders

౨ৎ

The past few months had gone by in a blur. By now, you were barely starting to show, as you were passing the 4 month mark, so you supposed you had to tell Lando.

౨ৎ

The following day passed by rather quickly, and you were applying lipgloss to finish up your makeup when you heard a knock on your door. "Shit"

You ran down the stairs and opened the door. Before you, stood Lando, with his smile, that melted your heart every time you saw it. The way his bright blueish green eyes reflected the sunlight ever so perfectly, and his perfect curls. He was wearing a white button-up shirt, with the first few unbuttoned, and grey trousers.

"Woah, someone's staring," Lando remarked.

Hearing him say this, you realized that you had been standing there for the past 30 seconds gazing at him. "W-What? Oh my God."

While chucking, he said, "Ok then. Ready to go? I found this new restaurant not too far from here. I checked the menu, and they have everything!"

"Yeah, just let me grab my purse really quick and then we can go."

You quickly ran back up to your bedroom, grabbed your purse, and slipped the positive pregnancy test inside for later when you were going to drop the news, in case he needed reassurance.

In the car, you engaged in small talk, but you couldn't stop thinking about telling Lando about your baby and how he would react.

Eventually, you two reached the restaurant and headed inside. Lando had already called and booked a table in advance because it was a very popular place in Las Vegas.

"So, how've you been y/n? It's been a while since we've talked," Lando said, starting the conversation.

The conversation kept going until the topic somehow changed to his first win in Miami, and you decided now was a good time to tell him, since it was on topic.

"Hey, Lando, I've actually been meaning to tell you something. It''ll change everything, so I've been scared to tell you."

"Oh, um ok? What's up?"

"So y'know how I was sick for a few weeks after Miami?"

"Yeah, Charles told me about it. He said that you had been acting weird."

"Of course he did. Anyways, so, oh my God I don't know how to say this but...." you tried to finish your sentence, but your voice trailed off.

"But what?"

"Basically, I'm pregnant, and you're a father now," you rambled. It felt nice to finally have the confession out and off your chest.

"I-You WHAT?" Lando tried to speak, but he was unable to form a proper sentence.

You looked over at him, across the table, and were unable to form a response. Your eyes began tearing up because this was the moment you had been trying to avoid for the past few months. You knew that this was going to change everything. Your life was going to change, but you didn't know if Lando was going to be willing to stick around and help you through it.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive," you said, reaching into your purse and pulling out the positive test and handing it to him.

Lando grabbed it and started at it in awe. He couldn't believe this was happening.

"I-I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. I was just scared at how you would react and-" You tried to continue your sentence, but you were interrupted by Lando.

He placed the test down, got up from his chair, and reached out his arms to you, "C'mere"

You reciprocated and hugged him. Your face nuzzled into the corner of his neck and he squeezed you tightly.

"Listen, everything's going to be ok. I'm gonna be there with you every step of the way," Lando reassured.

You looked up at him, with shining eyes and a smile slowly growing on your face.

"Anyway, since this is happening, I guess it would be a good time to do this because I've been meaning to but..."

"Hm?"

"Y/n, would you be my girlfriend?" Smiling, you replied, "Yes, Lando. I would love to be your girlfriend!"

Seeing the opportunity, Lando leaned down, his lips barely hovering over yours. Moments later, his lips were on yours and caught you in an intimate embrace.

"Been meaning to do that for a while. Y'know I've had a crush on you for ages, right?"

"YOU WHAT?"

tag list:

@callsignwidow @kapsylia @ladyoflynx @sltwins @wisestarfishbouquet @ophcelia @landofotographyy @formulaho @mundane999 @madcatlady @ijvnllk @dinoplushie96 @pear-1206 @bbg-blue-lock @desireddaizymon @embonbon @lewisroscoelove @reallysmalls @sarah10r-blog @thatoneidiot16

let me know if you want to be added to the tag list for the next part!

[ellaa-writes]

konig and the reader are roommates; best friends with a slight attraction to each other. reader decides to go out clubbing with some girlfriends, showing off her tight dress to konig before leaving— which ultimately arouses him hardly ;))

konig let’s his dick get the best of him and goes through the readers pantie drawer (#pantiekink) and goes back to his room, jerking himself off to the reader’s panties.. and boom reader comes back early and catches him.

(show your post about writers block, though you could execute this idea perfectly)

So sorry this took so long to write. This ask was sent back in November. I got a little carried away while writing this. Love this prompt so much! Thank you for sending it in and hope you enjoy :) (not proofread) PART 2

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After a long week of writing essays, listening while your professors drone on and on and spending every waking second studying or working your part time job. Simply to say you were beat and exhausted. Wanting nothing more than to stay in, catch up on some z's and possible a few episodes of your new favourite show.

But atlas you received a last minute text from your BFF.

I'm picking you up at 8, better look cute.

Throwing yourself back on your bed, letting out a loud huff. Knowing damn well you won't be able to say no to her. A soft knock against the frame of the door brought your attention back to reality.

He was tall, brooding and all to yummy, as your friends say. Your roommate König stood in the doorway, taking up all the space. His head reaching right to the top of the frame.

"Hey, didn't here you come in." you said sitting up. You kicked your shoes off and began typing back your response.

"Got plans?" he inquired. Leaning into the frame, crossing his over his chest. Making every muscle tighten and bulge just how you like it.

"Hmm, Kate's dragging me to some bar most likely." you replied to him. "I better get ready now, knowing her she'll show up early." it wasn't a surprise that your friend group loved to show up at your place. They all loved to sit around and ogle your roommate.

After answering an ad in the university student paper, you found yourself being shown around a decently sized 2 bedroom apartment only a block away from campus. It was too good to be true and too good to pass up. The landlord explaining that the first room was already rented out. You didn't mind sharing with a male, he seemed more than tidy. And you needed away from the awful university dorm rooms.

First meeting König, that was one for the books. After hauling your belongings up the 3 flights of stairs. Of course the elevator would break the day your were moving in. Struggling to get the key in the door, only to be greeted by a 6'7 and 270 lbs man standing bare cheated in the kitchen. You damn nearly fell over. Needing a moment to catch your breath.

Kate went on and on for weeks about him. Telling you if you didn't make a move she will. You had to remind her she had a long term boyfriend and you were seeing someone at the time, which soon fizzled out.

"I don't understand why you never say no to her." he tried to rationalize. You pushed passed him on your way to the shared bathroom.

"It's better today yes than listen to her complain." you told him back. Shutting the door before he could say anymore.

You took a quick shower, making sure to shave every nook and cranny. Layering yourself in body butter and making sure to spritz extra perfume. You choose to leave your hair straight, and simple makeup.

Tapping your foot against the aged wood floor, having a hard time decided between a short tight black dress or to go more casual in shorts and a cute top.

"Go with the dress." König voice reached you from your door. Startling you out of your thought, causing you to drop the dress onto the floor. König walked right in, bending down to the floor and retrieving the skimpy black dress. Still on his knees he held it up for you to grab, his head was so close to your core which was now pulsing with desire. You cheeks were flushed as you snatched it out of his grasp.

"Thanks.." you said hesitantly, turning away from him. He left you in silence, closing the door on his way out. You pulled out matching pair of lace lingerie, the ones you buried deep in your dresser. A gift from Kate, you've never worn them so todays that day you do.

You took a deep breath before stepping out into the shared common area, König's attention was on the football (American soccer) game. The click of your heels drawing his attention away. You stood their, twirling your fingers around. Shrinking under his lustful gaze. König cleared his throat, adjusting himself in his pants.

"How do I look?" you asked bashfully, the heat of your blush rising up from chest and across your face. "You look...." he was lost for words, the way the dress hugged every curve. "You look beautiful." he stood from his seat, the fabric over his crotch pulling tight against his throbbing cock. He knew he shouldn't be having these thoughts about you.

But he couldn't help himself. From the moment he set eyes on you, he was entranced.

"Give me a little spin." he commanded. Taking two long strides, taking your hand into his and giving you a little twirl. The giggle that came out of your mouth went straight to his cock.

Bzzz BZZZZZZ

The apartment buzzer rang through the space, pulling yourself away you rushed to the com system. "I'll be right down." you yelled through it. Hearing a mixture of garble coming from the other end.

"I'll probably be home late, if not I might crash at Kate's. I'll try not to wake you." the words rushed out of you as you ran around grabbing the last minute items before shuffling out the door.

König didn't get a goodbye in, or a have fun. The pit of jealously boiling up in his stomach stopped him. He watched from the livingroom as you bundled into Kate's car, watching the tail lights disappear down the street. He turned his attention back to his football game. But he couldn't focus, the ache of his cock kept plaguing his thoughts.

Usually he reserved himself to either his or the shower. But he couldn't help himself, pulling out his throbbing cock. It was already hard as a rock, the tip angry and leaking just a bit. The first few strokes had him holding his breath. He needed more, abandoning his spot on the couch, dick exposed to the air. He found himself in your room. It was smaller than his, everything was messily thrown around. He made his way right to your panties drawer, digging in the back to find the black lace panties you hid.

He came back empty handed, the thought of you wearing them under the dress had his cock leaking down the front of his pants, making a mess. He settled on a satin pair, purple in color with a small rose in the front.

Seating himself back on the couch, panties wrapped tight around his member. Stroking himself with you panties, using his knuckles to muffle out his wonton moans. He was too focused on the duty at hand. He didn't hear the door unlocking and the soft click of your heals.

You walked down the hall towards the shared living area, seeing König still on the couch. Pulling the straps of your heels off you let the loudly clank to the floor. You were a little iratated but also thankful that the night didn't go as planned.

König's head shot around, eyes wide in horror to seeing you standing behind him. If you didn't know better, it was like you caught him in the middle of something. The closer you got, you understood why.

Konig had your favourite pair of panties in his fist. His leaking tip poking out the top, as fast as it happened he through a pillow over his lap to block your view.

Stumbling backwards you rushed out some apologies. Babbling on about giving him some space.

König didn't want space at all, he wanted you. His hungry eyes watching has the hem of your dress rose up your thighs, just about exposing you ass. He stood quickly, following you into your room.

"I'm so sorry." you kept repeating. The heat of the embrassment flushed on your face. König stood there, cock out as he tried to get you to look at him.

"OMG!" you screamed, quickly averting your eyes. "Doll look at me." he tried to get you to face him but you couldn't. "Can you please put it away at least." he found your question amusing. "Why? Does it scare you?" he asked back. You scoffed at him, but deep down it did just a little.

Yes you've seen a handful of cocks before but none of them compared to König's.

"No." you said quietly.

"Why don't you touch it a bit, it won't bite." he took a small step towards you. Your stained panties still in his hand.

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LMFAO ok he got a little pervy at the end. I kinda want to make a part two now.

[a-forbidden-detective]

It is here, my friends, it is here! The most awaited after-show talk of the Episode 26!!!

Azakami-kun and Enojun discussed their thoughts concerning what happened in the Plateau Auberge arc.

Some points of interest:

- RonToto’s relationship. “It is quite an unexpected development so far, and I was surprised. Growth, really, when you look back from episode 1, yes, yes, yes, they've grown, haven't they? It makes you feel nostalgic, doesn't it?”

- Both reiterated that every time Ron is in a pinch, Toto is always there to save the day. He was able to see beyond Tiger Dan’s lies. And Ron realised that Toto was right. He’s come a long way since the first episode.

- They mentioned that the case is quite long with “a prologue, a middle, an epilogue, and then a conclusion.” And the number of characters who died was many.

- Both are asking for support for the anime, not only the original work.

Enojun : I hope this cool season will be a big hit.

Azakami: That's right, everyone's support is being transformed into strength, and we want to aim for first place on all the distribution sites. We have that kind of determination, and if that feeling has reached everyone, I'd be happy.

- They were amazed of the number of costars, popular ones, seniors and juniors, who were cast.

Azakami: It was quite a large group, and the recording was really a luxury, wasn't it?

I think it was Enojun who said : “After all, you can tell who the culprit is by the famous voice actors, right? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but everyone was so amazing that l didn't know who the culprit was.” (Both are laughing.)

- There was no huge gap between season 1 and season 2. So they were thinking if there was a huge one between seasons it might feel like, “long time no see.”

- They also mentioned that supporting cast members like Taku’s Spitz and Hikasa’s Amamiya had shorter appearances. Also, Matsuoka’s Milo Moriarty.

Azakami: They made such a cool appearance.

Enojun: They were the MVP, right? Spitz was amazing.

It must be the boon of voice acting industry when you are part of the cast but you don’t have many lines.

- Both were sad to see their costars disappear after a few sessions.

Azakami: Oh, “they're not here next week?" Just when you thought you were getting closer, they were gone. But Kosayu-san (Takehito, Tiger Dan) really brightened up the recording studio. (“His Tiger Dan was really cool!” <- Azakami-kun)

Enojun: Despite being the culprit, he seemed to be having a lot of fun.

- They gushed over the surprise voice actor of Mylo-bear, Neeko, who was Reborn on “Katekyo Hitman Reborn,” Akira Amano’s first successful work. Azakami said he was AA’s fan and was really elated. It delighted the KHR fans. In which way, Matsuoka told him his thoughts concerning the script.

Azakami: During a break, Yotsu-san quietly said, "Hey, I noticed something." In the script, it's written as "Milokuma," referring to Milo’s plush toy bear.

- Azakami wanted everyone to come back bc the story isn’t over yet. And they might have more lines to deliver. “Besides there is still that one traitor at the BLUE, right?”

- They were curious how will these individual characters interact with each other in the future.

- The two thanked the fans’ support and were amazed at the international ones, for the series’ popularity. Owing to the streaming sites, the recent stage adaptation and The Characters exhibition.

Azakami: I hope the story will be animated in the future, and I hope everyone will stream it near them.

Unfortunately, they didn’t discuss the “cancelled” sound of the dialogue at the end of the episode. Was it not a huge deal? Didn’t they get the excitement from the viewers? (Or did I miss that part?)

Anyway, here it is. I hope the third season won’t take long.

PS: if you have anything to add, please do!!!

[writingmyheartsout]

Nobody's Soldier - a Bucky Barnes story.

(chapter 2)

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first of all i have to apologize for not updating all these past months, me head wasn't in the right headspace to do that as intrusive thoughts kept telling me this was bad.

second, i literally rewrote the whole chapter, because i wasn't feeling it anymore as I used to be, it's still very much angsty but I had the feeling I was going a lil too much OOC (but you'll tell me that if it still are)

third and last, imposter syndrome at its best...

i'm truly sorry for made you wait this long

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This fic is also on wattpad and soon on Ao3

Nobody's Soldier playlist on Spotify

CW: talking about trauma, PTSD, nightmares, Bucky Barnes (he's a warning himself), trauma, unexpected feelings, obsession, anxiety, denial, mention of manipulation, slight mention of sa, crying, desperation, unhealthy attachment, limerence, fighting over unrequited feelings, reader has female pronous.

(chapter is 8k words more or less)

chapter 1 is here

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Ch. 2 - Popular monster

Bucky kept checking on his phone, expecting a text from you, an update, anything that would let him know you were ok. But the phone remained silent.

It took you a while to gather the will to leave your bed and eat something, but as soon as you stepped out of the bedroom and looked around the living room, you nearly cried again.

The tv sat there, broken and half torn apart, as a reminder that what happened was all too real.

Your first instinct was to go back to bed and cry until you passed out, but your brain thought otherwise as your body moved on its own. You began picking up random items all over the room and throwing them into large black garbage bags, tv included.

This behaviour wasn’t new or unexpected; you often reacted this way when you were nearing your breaking point, and right now, you were very close to it.

After spending part of the day and night back and forth from your apartment to the dumpster, you finally began to feel exhausted again, your mind finally empty.

But the moment your head hit the pillow, the screen of your phone lit up with a notification. 

It was Bucky

Bucky cursed at himself with every word he knew as thoughts slowly began to swirl inside his mind. The clock continued ticking, and the phone lay untouched on the table in front of him.

Should he message you? Would you even want him to? When exactly had he started to care? He pondered these questions as he picked it up once again, debating whether to send you something or not.

But before he could process it all, his fingers acted on their own, opening the chat and typing something, much to his dismay. 

-From Bucky: Hey... are you okay?

You probably stared at the preview of his text longer than you'd like to admit, resisting the urge to open it while still grappling with disbelief that he had actually done such a thing.

On the other hand, you didn't want to give him the wrong message, especially since you suspected he had feelings for you.

Yet, the growing sense of relief settling in the pit of your stomach was unmistakable, and you realized something so simple yet so terrifying.

You cared about him. A lot actually.

Bucky's heart raced in his chest as he stared at the chat, waiting for your response. He felt a wild range of emotions, going from a sense of guilt to utter shame.

Shame for not being able to control his growing feelings or for pushing you to the brink of an episode. Still, he couldn't shake the fact that deep down, he knew you were right. That he shouldn't feel this way...and yet, he did.

But all he needed at that moment was to know you were okay.

However, you didn't answer him. Sure, you were about to, more out of habit than anything else, but you were still very much in shock. The thought that the situation was utterly crazy wouldn’t leave your mind.

Nonetheless, you had to stop this, whatever this was, from spiralling into something you couldn't control.

You didn't sleep much after that. By the time you crawled back into bed, it was already early morning, so you decided to resume reading.

Maybe this would help to distract you for a while, you thought. But as soon as you went to pick up a book, memories flooded your mind.

You remembered that time when Bucky called you after a nightmare and how you helped him calm down by reading him your favourite story.

This whole situation felt like torture, and the strangest part was that you couldn't stop thinking about how, with just a simple hug, he had made you feel better than you had in years.

On the other hand, Bucky felt a sense of despair welling up in his chest when no answer came, as anxiety gnawed at him.

You were the one suffering the consequences, and he was the only one to blame. A frustrated huff escaped his lips as he ran his metal hand through his hair, then collapsed onto the couch with a loud groan.

Thoughts flooded his mind, too many to be healthy. In an act of desperation, he unlocked his phone again, texting you... again.

-From Bucky: Please... say something.

You eventually fell asleep, your reading glasses on and the book resting on your chest. When you woke up later that day, your phone screen was lit with yet another text.

...say something... the message read, simple as that, making you feel guilty for not responding earlier. You knew you didn't have to reply, but you couldn’t help but think that maybe you were exaggerating the whole situation. Perhaps it was just a slip-up and nothing more.

But another part of you, the rational side, kept reminding you that this was how everything had started.

The manipulation, the controlling habits, the abuse. It all started with someone developing feelings right when you were at your weakest.

You couldn't do this anymore, not when you had worked so hard to get to where you were now.

You chose not to answer again, confident that somehow he would get over it.

Bucky's mind raced as he stared at his phone, willing a reply to appear on the screen.

All he wanted, was some sort of sign, anything that let him know you were okay. That you weren't as mad at him, at least not completely. That you still felt comfortable enough to talk with him.

But when hours passed and you hadn't answered, his heart sank as more thoughts started to creep in.

The realization that he had lost you overwhelmed him, leaving him feeling numb.

His eyes started to prick with tears as he cursed himself for letting his emotions get the best of him. He couldn't wallow in despair, not over you, not over someone he barely knew.

But someone who seemed to understand him.

No, he couldn’t go there. He had to distract himself and focus on something else.

So, with a deep breath, he stood up and turned on the tv, trying to fill the silence of his apartment, which had become too loud for him in that moment

After that incident, nearly three weeks passed. You returned to your usual safe routine, but it felt like something was wrong, like something was clearly missing.

Then one morning, just after breakfast, your phone rang and Dr. Raynor's number appeared on the screen.

It was strange, she had never called you before. When you answered and she asked where Bucky was, you felt confused.

It turned out he had stopped showing up for his therapy sessions without saying a word. She had tried to reach out to him, but he didn't pick up.

He was alive, that much she knew, yet you could clearly hear the concern in her voice.

After you explained what had happened between the two of you, how he had come over and the incident that followed, she added something that left you stunned and altered the perception you had of him up to that point.

His whole history, the abuse, the manipulation, who he was and the... arm.

“The arm?” you curiously asked, not quite getting what she meant.

“He has a prosthetic arm, a vibranium one...” the doctor began to explain, her tone careful “...although it's not the same as the one he had, it's a harsh reminder of what happened to him and what he did.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mention this sooner, but it’s already complicated as it is,” she added.

At her words, the pieces started to fall into place. His behaviour, the way he addressed you, how he looked around the apartment as soon as he walked in and the… gloves he hadn’t taken off that day.

Another hour passed as Dr. Raynor continued to explain that Bucky still saw himself as some kind of monster, an experiment and how losing himself for so long had inevitably changed him. It only made sense that once the call was over, you texted him without thinking twice.

You were worried and maybe a little furious.

-to Bucky: your doctor called me. Why did you stop therapy? You know you have to go.

Then you quickly added a second one.

-to Bucky: she also gave me the whole story, your story I mean.

Bucky was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to get himself to relax enough to sleep. He had been feeling exceptionally crappy, for lack of a better word, having spent the whole night awake when his phone went off.

His mind was in a constant battle, and all he wanted was some peace and quiet. So when he lazily picked up his phone to check and saw your name, the first thing he felt was relief.  

However, as he eagerly sat up, he almost dropped the phone when he read your texts, his heart nearly stopping.

The doctor told you everything... Those words echoed in his head as his thoughts spiralled out of control.

He had been lying to you for the most part. He hadn't meant to keep things from you, but deep down, he knew you would see him differently from now on. You would look at him with pity, unable to see him as a person anymore, but rather as... a monster.

He desperately wanted to text you back, but he felt stuck, unsure of what to say or do.

So he just lay on his bed for the next half hour, his phone still clutched in his fingers as he tried to come up with something that wouldn’t push you away again.

All he needed was to see you, but he was terrified of how you would react now that you knew about his secret.

Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes stretched into hours as anxiety began to eat him alive, until he finally pressed send.

-from Bucky:..It’s complicated... can we talk tomorrow? I’ll come over.

You didn't expect a fast reply, hell you didn’t expect a reply at all.

So when he texted back after hours of leaving you on read, the content of his message startled you.

 ...I’ll come over... The words ran through your mind, almost triggering your panic as you tried to come up with a polite reply. 

You knew you had to start somewhere, but you felt torn.

You were caught between wanting to give him a chance to explain and the absolute fear that something worse might happen if you saw him again.

-to Bucky: we'll see about that..but you can call me, we can still talk…if you want.

You suggested instead, thinking it would be better for both of you, at least for now.

Bucky stared at your words for a long minute, a small smile grazed his lips while his heart did a weird flip in his chest.

You hadn’t said a definitive no to his request, you were still willing to talk to him. But those words, that we'll see about that lingered in his mind, giving him a glimmer of hope while leaving a bitter taste on his tongue.

As he fought the growing urge to call you right then and there, he decided to send a message first.

-from Bucky: I’ll call you in ten, alright?

He sent the text and hastily placed his phone on the bedside table, letting out a shaky breath.

If you agreed, there was a good chance he would get to hear your voice, something he hadn’t realized how he missed so much until now.

For a long moment, after his last reply, you stared at the short message almost as if it were some kind of riddle waiting to be solved. A smile crept onto your face at his eagerness without you even noticing it.

What the fuck were you doing? Why were you smiling? You chided yourself, shaking your head in confusion as you tried to suppress the knot forming in your stomach.

With ten more minutes until the phone call, you thought distracting yourself would be a good idea, more to calm your nerves than anything else.

Instead, Bucky's call came a few minutes early, and you didn’t pick up, your phone lay on the bed while you were in the next room.

Bucky had to resist the urge to call you again immediately after he sent the text.

His mind wouldn’t quiet down, racing with thoughts about a million things. About hearing your voice again, the possibility that maybe you weren't as mad at him as he thought, and how nervous he suddenly felt.

And the ten minutes felt like an eternity. 

He tried to keep himself busy and away from the phone, but as soon as the ten minutes were up, he found himself with his phone in hand, calling you... only to be sent to voicemail.

He was not panicking, absolutely not.

His thoughts immediately spiralled into worst-case scenarios. maybe you had changed your mind or maybe calling you was indeed a mistake.

But he tried to push those feelings aside, convincing himself that you were probably just busy.

And while those thoughts filled his mind, he found himself in the middle of his fourth time re-dialling your number. The ringing sound the only thing echoing in the room.

On the other hand, you had lost track of time while focusing on cleaning the apartment, a standard behaviour when you were unable to concentrate and something clearly upset you.

When you finally checked your phone, you nearly dropped it upon seeing five missed calls.

"Damn it Bucky, you wasted no time," you mumbled with a sigh.

That alone should have served as a warning sign, but you ignored it completely. Thinking nothing of it, you called him as you sat down on your bed, waiting for him to pick up.

Bucky was startled when his phone suddenly rang. His eyes fixed on the screen as your name appeared, causing his heart to leap into his throat and almost miss the call.

When he finally answered, a shuddering breath escaped his lips before he said anything.

"Hey," he said quietly, a nervous smile tugging at his lips while anxiety fluttered in the pit of his stomach, waiting for an answer… craving it even.

His soft exhale, the hushed hello and his gentle tone caught you off guard, making your cheeks blush slightly.

It had been long since you heard his voice you thought, still reluctant to admit you missed him…in a way. 

"Eager much..?" you joked, attempting to break the awkward silence between you and hide your distress.

"How are you?.." you added then, genuinely asking. It had been weeks since his last therapy session after all, and even though you both had a setback, you wanted to check on him, making sure he was okay.

Bucky chuckled lightly at your words, the small smile on his face widening slightly.

"Sorry for the multiple calls. You didn't answer so I was..." panicking the hell out. He almost confessed, then he cleared his throat and continued, not particularly keen on discussing how worried he had been up to that moment.

"M'fine, mostly. How have you been?"  he asked instead, quickly dismissing your question, trying to stay calm and hoping you wouldn't notice how strained his voice really was.

"You don't have to justify your worry, y'know?" you said honestly, understanding where his words were headed. Then he lied, probably out of habit.

"And…I know you're not, if you were, why did your doctor call me this morning?." you stated, your tone soft yet firm, not wanting him to feel at fault. 

Meanwhile, if you had to be completely honest, he didn't seem that dangerous. Maybe a little eager, but not a total red flag.

Bucky's breath hitched the moment you called him out, and he cursed himself for it.

Of course you’d noticed, he should have expected you to be more observant than most people.

"Right.." he said, running a hand through his hair, letting out a tired sigh as he did so.

"The good doctor called you, huh?” he asked ironically, unable to hold back a bitter remark. 

"C'mon she's not that bad" you playfully replied, still sitting on the bed as a light huff left your lips.

“She’s just worried…” you added, your tone gentle yet firm “...and to be honest, I am too”

Bucky let out a small chuckle as you teased him about his doctor, rolling his eyes even though you couldn't see him. But then you said more, catching him off guard.

Were you worried? Did that mean you probably cared? Right? 

He immediately shook that thought away, it wasn’t the right time, not now, though those words kept lingering in his head.

“You? Worried? About me?..” he asked, genuinely baffled by your comment as a slight frown crossed his face.

"Yeah, Bucky...y'know like a normal human being would.." you bit back, not really annoyed, at least not that much, as it wasn't entirely his fault...or so you thought.

"There is so much going on lately, like being affected by someone trying to help you?” you stated honestly, not wanting to scold him but rather hoping to settle things.

“Maybe we can talk about that? " 

From honest discussions to fights, you had learned not to shy away from confrontation anymore. It was something you picked up in therapy. Now, when a problem presented itself, you just went straight to the point, only to find out that most people couldn't handle a simple conversation.

Bucky's heart picked up once again when you hinted at his behaviour, and he honestly had no idea how to deal with it.

You really didn't hold back, did you, sweetheart? he thought, nervously running his metal fingers through his hair as he tried to come up with a decent answer.

Finally, he let out a weary exhale before speaking again.

"It's not that simple. But yeah, we can talk about it..." he said quietly, as the weight of shame settled back in.

After his answer, after sensing his evident reluctance, you couldn't help but feel a little guilty about your words. However, it was no use dwelling on it.

"No? Then talk to me. Believe it or not, I'm not mad at you" you urged him, your voice still gentle.

What you were trying to do was reassure him and help if possible, even if it meant confronting an uncomfortable truth.

“I've been there before, I know how it seems… " you added, showing him that you understood what he was going through. 

You? So you weren’t mad at him. Why? You should have been, it's what he deserved. 

Bucky was speechless for a moment longer as your words sank in. He had made you uncomfortable and pressured you, this was his fault.

His throat felt constricted, and he had to swallow once, then twice, before he could answer.

"Y'mean, someone... had feelings for you? In therapy?" he found himself asking instead, unnerved by the thought of someone becoming obsessed with you, knowing deep down he was doing the same.

You should have seen that coming, still, yet it still took you by surprise.

"It's.. it's one the reasons I'm still dealing with the program, Bucky..." you replied, your tone growing quiet.

You understood that, as your therapy partner or former one, he should have been informed about the situation. Still, it was hard to articulate.

"It was straight-up manipulation, as my doctor put it. This other person, he..well...he… he used me" you tried, but the words wouldn't come out. Staring into nothing, you felt too scared of another episode happening. Taking a deep breath, you steadied yourself as you felt panic building inside you.

"I honestly thought it was real, I thought it was love…” you added, your voice barely above a whisper by the end.

Bucky felt his heart sink the moment you began to explain. Those words were all too familiar, and they hurt him as guilt washed over him again. 

"I'm sorry for what happened to you...."  he only said, his jaw clenching as he spoke, yet his voice sounded almost gentle.

He wanted to say much more; he wanted to express how much he hated himself for nearly doing the same to you. But the words got stuck in his throat, leaving him feeling like a coward.

I'm sorry I did that to you, he thought, as guilt consumed his mind.

"You... you know I would never do anything like that to you, right?" he asked carefully, trying to change the subject while feeling nervous about a possible backlash.

At his words, you let out a light scoff, noticing how tense his voice had suddenly become.

"No shit, Buck..." you joked after a moment “.. I would hope so” you added quietly, shaking your head in disbelief, hoping it was true.

For Christ's sake, you even found him attractive, you thought, as a small smile tugged at your lips. 

"But I'm at fault too, I should have thought better than to hug you like I did, no matter how bad I was feeling..." you stated, genuinely believing it was your fault as well.

"It gives off the wrong idea...most of the time”

After everything that had happened, you blamed yourself? Thinking you caused all this? He thought, staring at the floor as he processed your words in his head, feeling even worse.

Good job, Bucky. Really great job. he chided himself silently.

"You... didn’t know where you were. You had a panic attack..." he said, hating the idea of you taking responsibility for something like that. He knew damn well you weren’t in control of your actions during an episode. He had been there before, more times than he could possibly count.

"I'm the one at fault... not you," he said firmly, remorse coursing through him with every word he spoke.

"Bucky...I.. " you started to say, feeling the need to try and justify yourself once more."... I was just grounding myself " you confessed, falling back onto the bed with a frustrated groan as you ran a hand over your face. 

"Still, I...I got you what? Obsessed? Addicted? Whatever this is..." you added, not really asking any actual questions but rather stating a fact."... surely something went wrong here”

Bucky’s thoughts momentarily halted as you spoke. 

"No!... no, no, no. You didn't do anything." He shot back, his voice laced with disbelief at how much you were taking the brunt of his mistakes.…"..you didn't ask me to feel this way, sweetheart. I did it myself, it’s on me.”

He hesitated, mentally scolding himself for letting that term slip out so easily. Yet, he felt compelled to make sure you understood that none of this was your fault, that you were innocent and he wasn't. You were simply trying to be kind, nothing more

"Do you really think you're responsible?” he honestly asked again.

"Well...yeah?..." you replied, your voice uncertain. That little name didn’t go unnoticed, leaving you taken aback as your cheeks dusted pink instinctively. "...I mean, my first therapy partner thought I led him so..." you added quietly.

And it was the truth. In the very early stages of the program, before Bucky was involved and before you were even paired with anyone, you met a lot of people.

Most of them complete idiots.

"It's one of the reasons why I flinch when someone suddenly touches me when I'm not myself.." you confessed, feeling a wave of shame rise within you. "...that's why I reach out and hold onto whatever I can find most of the time”

Bucky's heart tightened uncomfortably as you referred to the people you had met before him.

Led him on? Seriously? Why was your first partner such a jerk? Did he even have any issues? he thought, listening to your explanation.

Bucky felt horrible. He was already upset about his slight obsession and how he had made you uncomfortable, but now,  hearing you open up about your past and how others had treated you, he felt even worse.

He was no better than all of them.

"Then... why did you hug me?” he asked simply, letting out a deep sigh as his tone grew quieter, almost apologetic.

"Because you were there and felt safe..." you blurted out without much thinking, your gaze fixed on the ceiling.

“ And I... I was weak.." you added, feeling embarrassed to admit the truth as you tried to find a rational explanation for your behaviour.

But then, you remembered how terrified you had been right after when irrational fear took over.

Bucky's heart fluttered at that. Did you feel safe with him? Could he calm you down? You trusted him? The realization took him off guard as his brain processed the information.

He had to take another deep breath to steady his heartbeat while a small smile appeared on his face.

But then he remembered your reaction afterwards and that same smile faded, making him want to scream in frustration.

"I felt safe?..." he asked, more to himself than to you, almost as if he couldn’t believe it. But you were on the other end of the line and heard anyway…

"But you? You flinched away..” he added, trying to make sense out of your words.

"That's how irrational fears work usually.." you said bluntly, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Trusting you as a person? Yes absolutely, I could do that..." you tried to reassure him, hearing silence on the other end.

"But as a man? it's a little more complicated, to put it simply” you explained, trying to make it as clear as possible and leaving no space for misunderstanding.

If that meant you wouldn’t hear from Bucky anymore, so be it.

“I still don't know if you want something out of me..or not" you added quietly. 

But those words stung him more than he would like to admit, though he wasn’t surprised. No, he clearly understood your point; still, it hurt to hear you say that, even if he was the one at fault.

He ran a hand through his hair again and swallowed hard as you continued, feeling as though he was being accused.

You knew him well already, because your words hit the mark as you called him out once again. An irrational anger welled up inside him, and he swallowed hard. 

He didn’t want you to be scared of him, after all, he needed you. You were the only one, after so many years, who finally understood him and made him feel calm.

"Why would you even think I want anything from you?” he said, a slight edge creeping into his voice, his tone turning unexpectedly cold.

The change in tone genuinely frightened you. You hadn’t seen it coming.

"With the way you got so obsessed, so quickly...” you started, trying to keep yourself as calm as possible, relieved there was a phone between you both.

“Or... how you already sound pissed,  even after I’ve tried to reason with you..." you continued, sitting back up at the edge of the bed.

This whole situation started to scare you more than it should. You just wanted to live your life peacefully, nothing more, nothing less.

"I'm sorry Buck but...I don't.." you added, fear and guilt plaguing your mind at this point, wanting nothing more than to put an end to this conversation already. “...I don't think we should speak again, not until you work on these issues by yourself…”

Bucky felt like someone had stabbed him right in his chest with a rusted knife. All the guilt and shame he felt earlier were soon replaced by anger.

You? Wanted to stop talking? Cut all contact? What about him then? What would be of him without your soothing voice? he thought. He couldn’t do that, not now, not ever.

"We're not doing that.” he snapped. The very thought of never hearing your voice again, not talking to you, triggered something deep inside him.  His heart was racing in his chest as he spoke through clenched teeth.

When he spoke again, his tone had grown slightly more threatening, and that's when you reacted. Although calm and collected most of the time, there were times, usually when someone crossed a line or something felt off, that another side of you came out.

"You don’t realize it, do you? Even now? You’re so desperate to be accepted that you can’t see how you're behaving?..." you said, your voice raising a little as your tone sharpened.

"Can’t you see how your little addiction is clouding your mind? It’s really a simple concept to understand..." you continued, frustration edging into your voice.

"Having feelings for someone doesn't mean forcing that obsession on them. And here I thought you were smart, but clearly, I was wrong.”

Bucky was taken aback by your sudden outburst. You spoke with passion and determination, far from the calm and gentle demeanour you usually showed him, and your words stung.

However, they also made a few pieces click into place. You were right, you had been from the very beginning. 

But that realization only infuriated him even more.

"How dare you judge me? You're no better than I am.” he retorted, his voice rising with each word that left his mouth, still reeling from a mix of anger and blame.

"You have irrational fears and trauma just like I do. Don't you dare pretend that I'm the bad guy here."

Deep down, he knew he was taking out his anger on you, even though you didn't deserve it. But it felt like he couldn't stop, his mind tangled in a haze of angry thoughts. Above all, he was terrified of losing you.

You might have laughed when he snapped back, if the situation hadn't been so tense and if you weren't feeling so scared. But that didn't mean you had nothing to say in return. After all, it wasn’t the first time someone had used your situation to hurt you.

"Really? I’m judging you now? " you repeated in disbelief, scoffing slightly as you didn’t quite believe what you just heard.

"I never said I was better than anyone, not even you. I know my problems, but at least I can manage my own feelings.." you added, not even bothering to defend yourself against his accusations.

"So how dare you speak to me like that …”

Your words only turned his anger into desperation, and Bucky stopped making sense. You were taunting him, teasing him, mocking him even and he knew It was only his fault. Unfortunately, even if he understood, that realization did nothing to ease his feelings in that moment.

"You really have no idea how you affect me? How you make me feel?" he spat out, guilt overwhelming him along with hurt.

"Why do you think I became obsessed in the first place, huh?” he added, taking a deep breath and trying to calm his racing mind, his body tense with emotions.

"And now you're telling me you don’t want to speak with me anymore? Just banishing me like that, without a second thought?"

He could attend all the therapy sessions possible, and it wouldn’t change a damn thing. How you made him feel, how you made him laugh, smile, and long for more.

And that was the one truth that terrified him the most.

"You really think I can stay away from you?" he suddenly asked, his voice both distressed and unsteady, almost on the verge of tears.

The pain in his last words made you pause for a moment as remorse began to creep in.

Was he truly hurting that bad? Did he really not do it on purpose?

"Then tell me.." you started, your tone softening as you sought a way out of this pointless fight. 

"If I have no clue as you said, talk to me…… let me understand,” you added, trying once again to reason with him, hoping it would be the last time.

But even now, your first instinct was to distance yourself from him as much as possible. You thought you understood, but you were still very much afraid, unable to shake the feeling that this situation would only worsen.

Bucky felt his jaw clench as you asked him why. He didn’t know how to answer, his mind was working against him, and the right words eluded him.

He knew he was going too far, but it felt impossible to stop. The prospect of rejection and blame weighed heavily on him.

"What about…” he started “...what about the fact that just hearing your voice drives me crazy? That, the more I talk to you, the more I want you? ” he confessed, his voice quiet yet edged with emotions as his heart ached.

“I'm… I’m obsessed with you, happy now?”

He was obsessed, and he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t change the fact that he was feeling something he hadn’t felt in years. And if this was what obsession felt like, then so be it.

"The problem is wanting to control me, Bucky..." you retorted “...the problem is shoving all your sudden feelings onto me”

“The problem is making me feel guilty" you went on, your voice growing serious, sounding angrier than you intended.

At that you stood up, nervously pacing up and down the room, your jaw clenching as you tried to keep the anger down.

"I should be yours no matter what, that’s what you’re saying? Just because you are hooked on my voice?" you bit back, almost as if you were accusing him, stopping in your tracks as a frustrated sigh left your mouth.

Bucky hated the way you described his feelings. But the more you talked the more he realized, for real this time, how he was acting. How he let his desperation, his fears control him as soon as you said you didn’t want to speak with him anymore, that you wanted to stay away.

You were being reasonable, he was the one who started acting crazy.

"I wasn't trying to control your actions, doll. I just..." he only said then, stopping only to better collect his thoughts as the little nickname slipped out his lips without realizing it.

"I need you. You have no idea how calming you are for me, how I find myself craving to hear your voice..." he continued, speaking in a low frustrated tone, his anger now mingled with his inner desperation as he felt his eyes starting to sting.

"You're the first person that understands, how do you expect me to stop needing you?”

"This is not the right way to do it, clearly.." you replied, still slightly pissed at his stubbornness, but noticing how he was starting to calm down. 

"The thing is, emotions are never wrong, you just learn to manage them..." you went on while now pacing back and forth in the living room. 

Still, you felt stressed, on edge even as the whole discussion brought up some unresolved issues that you completely forgot about. You could only hope that it wouldn’t bring up a panic attack as well. 

"When you have feelings for anyone, or supposed to have..." you started, mostly annoyed now "..you don't need them, to the point of feeling sick"

Then you stopped for a moment, sighing heavily and closing your eyes, your fingers went to pinch at the bridge of your nose as you tried to think about what you were about to say.

"Jesus, I can't believe I'm explaining this.." you huffed then, calming down your nerves.

"When you feel something, you want to spend more time with them” you then started explaining, hoping it would break down into his stubbornness. 

”Needing someone is a coping mechanism.." as your voice wavered a little “...you know what a coping mechanism is, right? " 

Bucky clenched his jaw even more when you spoke. He did, in fact, know what a coping mechanism was. 

He also knew that you were absolutely right with what you were saying.

His obsession, was a coping mechanism, an unhealthy one. He had gotten obsessed with you because you were the first person that made him feel something good, so he latched onto it, not wanting to let go. 

He felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

"I know what a coping mechanism is..." he muttered through gritted teeth.

"But I didn’t do it on purpose. I just couldn’t help it. You make me feel calm, you make me forget about everything. You make me want to try again."

Now the hint of anger, the bite he had in his tone had disappeared almost completely, replaced with pure panic.

"How am I supposed to deal with that, huh? You feel so so good to me.”

Hearing the change in Bucky's voice made you stop suddenly as your heart clenched at the fear now evident in his tone. You felt bad with the way you were speaking to him but at the same time you didn't, given the fact that, maybe, you were able to knock some sense into him.  

"That's why I.." you started, voice now more gentle than before "... I told you we should be apart for a while"

It wasn't ideal, not even for you since you were at fault too here. With the way you acted when you hugged him or with how dangerously comfortable you were getting with him.

Feeling so calm and safe with someone you barely know shouldn't be happening. You reminded yourself more than once.

"If I'm the trigger here, you should understand how much of your feelings are real and..." you stopped for a fraction, realization dawning on you as well.."...and how much is just an unhealthy obsession.."

If you were just a means to an end in this absurd scenario, just something to help him cope with, then you don't want to be. You wanted to be seen, for yourself, as a person.

Bucky's heart was beating faster in his chest, your words, your reasoning filled his mind and he found himself agreeing with that. Still, despair and guilt filled his heart as the sole thought of not hearing from you anymore felt so wrong to him.

"You're not a trigger..." he protested, weakly so as his voice wavered slightly.

But you were once more right. What he was feeling towards you wasn't normal, wasn't right. He was obsessed with you because you made him feel calm at a time when he was at his lowest.

"I want you..." he mumbled, his voice lacking the greedy, possessive edge he had before.

"I don't want to lose you…please” he pleaded with you, desperate to make you agree to stay, at least, in touch.

"I'll do anything. I'll work on myself, find a way to deal with this obsession." he insisted, absolutely hating using that word, even if it was the truth.

"Please, don't cut me off. I'll lose my mind if you do.”

You exhaled deeply, moving to sit on the couch and taking the phone with you. He was doing it again, begging you. But again, it was just the addiction talking.

"Then what, Bucky?.." you asked then, after a long moment, exhaling deeply as you closed your eyes..."... every time you need a fix, you call me?.." 

You know you didn't have to be so harsh right now, but you truly wanted him to realize how deep he was in this and how bad it was affecting him.  

"It's the addiction talking here.." you added as another deep sigh left your lips...

"You're not even asking yourself if I feel something for you..." you stated as your stomach churned the more the anxiety grew…

"You only see what I can do for you..."

Guess you weren't that lucky. But with the history you had, that didn’t surprise you much. Maybe it was really your fault. Maybe you really led them on. Maybe they got obsessed because you did something.

You really don’t know, but everytime you tried your best and this time you truly believed he could have been the right therapy partner for you.

That was a low blow, but Bucky knew you were right.

He really hadn’t even thought about the possibility that you might not feel something for him, that he was hurting you by acting like this.

He had been selfish… no, he had been damn greedy. He was using you as his own personal drug, his only way to feel better.

He wanted to protest, to fight back, but he couldn’t.

"That’s not true..." he muttered, his voice even more laced with guilt and desperation now.

He wanted to tell you that he actually cared for you, that it wasn’t just about what you could do for him. He wanted to tell you that he saw you as a person, not just as a way to feel less alone but he couldn’t.

Because he had been treating you like an object, like a goddamn cure for his loneliness, he was using you exactly like others did. 

And the worst thing was that, deep down, he knew what that felt like and that made him feel even more horrible.

"I thought I was doing the right thing..." He protested weakly, still trying to convince you, still trying to bargain his place in your life.

"I'm not..." you started, stopping mid-sentence soon after to recollect your thoughts, trying to find the right words.

But his words, his final candid confession, his regret, all this made your heart ache, probably more than you could have imagined. But, at least, he finally saw the whole picture.

"I'm not blocking you Bucky, that I can do but you need to go back to therapy.." you stated, a slight tremble in your voice betraying how you really felt as you were questioning yourself if it was the right thing to do.

"Go back to your doctor, talk with her about everything but not for me or anyone else..." you added, your voice now gentle.

"Do it for yourself, to feel better..."

Hoping that your final advice would suffice, that your words would be heard once and for all, and that he would finally try to understand why he was acting like this.

Bucky remained silent for a long minute as he listened to you. Deep down, he knew you were right about everything, realizing he had been selfish and obsessive without a valid reason, treating you poorly and being a terrible therapy partner.

And the thought that you might despise him for it hurt his heart the most.

"I will, I promise." He answered finally, taking a deep breath as his voice was still shaky and broken.

"But, what about you?" He dared to ask after another minute of silence, still the idea of letting you go tearing his heart apart.

"What about me, what?.." you chuckled softly, caught off guard by the sudden question.

You were aware he just wanted you to keep talking to him, that he just wanted to have your voice in his ear. Maybe there was a small part of him that cared about you, about what you would do without him around but still.

He was a goddam addict right now, acting desperately like one.

"I'll just keep with mine I guess.." you said honestly, sighing heavily as your voice went soft. The whole so-called fight had drained you, making you even more tired than you already were.

"Still, i don't know what I'll do with the program though, for now at least"

To be fair, you weren't sure what you were going to do next. If you would find another partner or quit the program altogether. But saying it out loud, voicing the inner thoughts inside your head, definitely helped making a decision.

"Uhm listen, Bucky..I...I have to go.." you suddenly said then, trying to find a way to close the call without hurting him further. 

"But as I said, you still have my number, just...if you message me I can't assure you a reply, ok?" you added, reassuring him still even if your brain reminded you how stupid this decision was.

The words struck him harder than any bullet could have. He felt the jolt of panic, wanting desperately to keep you on the phone, feeling his eyes welling up. No, he knew he couldn’t explode with everything he was feeling or he’d lose you forever.

He knew he needed your voice in his ear, needed to hear you talk to him, needed you like air to breathe. 

But his hand was shaking as he held the phone to his ear, struggling to stop himself from begging. He swallowed, realizing he’d been silent while you assured him you wouldn’t block his number even if you won’t text him back. 

That gave him the tiniest reassurance, but the doubt nagged at him almost instantly. Would you stick to your word? What if you didn’t? Panic lapped at his heels again and he clenched his jaw, forcing his words down.

"I understand." He whispered, his voice low and uncertain.

Don't beg, don't beg, don’t beg...Bucky repeated to himself as he felt a familiar sense of obsession creeping back in.

He had to fight it, he had to stop this before it consumed him completely. After all, he had promised to return to his therapist, to try and deal with this issue, to begin feeling better.

After that heartfelt call, he reached out to you the very same night. However, as you mentioned, you chose to ignore it, not wanting to give him a false sense of hope or start another discussion so soon.

A week went by, and then his doctor called you again, asking for your side of the story. At that, you recounted everything that had happened, sharing every detail you could remember of without placing the blame on him, convinced it wasn’t entirely his fault. 

And what she told you helped you understand the situation better. She explained that Bucky had an episode of limerence, a state characterized by an intense infatuation that bordered on obsession most of the time, and that it was dangerous for the current state of his mind.

She also advised you to maintain some distance for the time being, a decision you had already considered, since she wanted to break through the patterns deeply rooted in his mind.

"James' not a bad man, it's just that people had shown him very little kindness for a long time," she added. She suggested that while some of his feelings might be genuine, she wasn’t entirely sure, encouraging you to act according to your feelings when you heard from him again. 

“Just be honest with him, for both your sakes,” she concluded before ending the call with another thoughtful piece of advice.

After that conversation, you felt a sense of relief, to be honest, as much as an unexpected happiness.

Why were you even happy? 

Why were you so relieved that his feelings could be real? 

Did you actually have feelings for him?

Regardless, you followed her advice, until more than two months later when you finally heard from Bucky again.

It had been a long, hard two months for Bucky.

His therapy sessions focused on helping him work through his feelings and analyze his behaviors. He realized he had become obsessed with you, but it took him a while to understand the root of that obsession.

After much reflection, he discovered that his desire for you stemmed from a deep need for connection. Unlike many others, you had seen him not as an asset or a monster, but for who he truly was. This realization helped him make significant progress.

It was tough for him to go without talking to you, as his thoughts continually returned to the conversation you shared and your words.

However, he was working hard to manage his feelings, control himself, and learn to understand the difference between obsession and genuine emotions.

Finally, when his therapist gave him the green light to reach out to you, he didn’t hesitate. With a somewhat clearer mind, he picked up his phone, his hands shaking. After what felt like an eternity, he sent you a message.

-from Bucky: Can I call you?

_____________

If you're here so you read it all, and for that I thank you (let me know what you think about it)

Again, i'm sorry for the wait, i want to promise you all I'll do better next time, and I want to keep it that way, I just hope my brain won't fail me again.

Also, there will be a bonus chapter later next week, it's something I wrote as literally a...bonus...so you're free to read it or not, it doesn't change the story <3

[banquetwriter]

Please do a part 2 to the Johnnie fix u just posted !

୨୧ Cinnamon pt:2 ୨୧

pairing: Johnnie Guilbert ♡︎ Reader

warnings: ୭̥⋆*｡

summary: ʚ A part two to cinnamon ɞ

Words: 1034

An: this was in reference to: cinnamon go check it out since this is part two! This turned out so bad I'm so sorry. I never wanted to make a part two to this so I'm a lil upset lol

SUPPORT ME

It was the day after the party, you weren't too hungover by any means, just a little sick feeling in the morning but that had passed hours ago. You had also left the party early deciding it wasn't fair to torture yourself with Johnnie all night long.

You were taking a slow sip of your drink and scrolling around Pinterest when an Instagram DM from Johnnie popped up on your phone. Your eyebrow shot up tapping the notification.

J: ‘Hey, you left that party quickly last night. Sure you're doing ok?’

You smiled briefly at his message. You set your drink down while sitting up to reply.

‘Haha yeah I’m all good just got a little overwhelmed that's all :)’

You sent your message and decided to put your phone down. You didn't want to wait around for his reply, that was only going to cause you to get even more attached to someone who didn't like you. You turned the TV on and put on one of your favorite shows.

You say most of an episode is for caving and checking for a text back. Sure enough, that was a notification from the world's favorite emo boy. You tap on it unlocking your phone.

J: ‘oh ok. I'm always here if you need to talk or anything like that. Can I ask what made you so overwhelmed?’ he asked. You felt that familiar heartbeat increase as you re-read his message over and over again.

‘It was just someone I didn't wanna be around for that long. It wasn't in a bad way, I just needed a break from someone.’ you replied. You Weren't sure why you couldn't just lie to him but you couldn't.

You hoped he would take your words and leave you be, but as fate would have it… he doesn't. J: ‘Was it me?’ he asks. You're not sure how to respond, you suppose it would be time to talk this out as the opportunity presented itself.

‘We can talk sometime in person, ok? Are you free at all this week?’ you sent back, anxiety creeping its way through your whole body in waves. This wasn't right. We shouldn't meet.

Was there a possibility that Johnnie actually liked you? No. Right? You Weren't sure at this point. People who like someone check in on them. Maybe he DID like you just not how you want him to.

Your heart nearly exploded when you heard another text go through. J: ‘Im free today’ your heart was pounding so fast. Would you even have the courage to meet today in the first place.

It's better to get the bandage ripped off sooner than later. ‘Works for me lets get dinner?’ you sent the message feeling like you were going to vomit. You wanted to get all ready for him, look your best.

But you knew you shouldn't do that. He needed this from you at your most true self. Sweatpants and all. He agreed and you both arranged plans to meet in only four hours.

Four hours is a lot of time to wait for something but it felt even longer as you checked the clock every five minutes to see if it was time or not. But after all your waiting it was finally time to leave.

You pulled up to this place and Johnnie was already standing outside. You both shuffle around each other awkwardly for a moment before you tell him to sit down. You choose a spot outside and sit down.

The wind blows on both of you as it chills you to the bone. “So I did leave because of you but, that sounds so scary and mean.” you start. He just stared at you for a moment “ok.” was all he said, his voice wavering.

“It's because I really like you. And I know this sounds immature and silly but when you didn't talk to me at the party I felt so alone. I thought you might have liked me too and I don't know. I just needed to leave after you gave me water.” you confessed to him.

It all felt so silly now. Leaving a party because a boy didn't like you. He doesn't say anything and again your instinct is to just run, as fast and as far as you can. Johnnie doesn't let that happen this time.

As soon as you stand up his arm reaches out for you. You stop at his contact. “Y/n I definitely like you, don't worry,” he said as you slowly sat back down. You hold his eyes before eventually feeling the feeling of shame creep back in.

“Sorry,” you mumble slowly. “I thought you left because I made you uncomfortable or something,” he said, the wind blowing again. Your heart was soaring at his words. “No, I was just high and overwhelmed,” you said looking down at his hand that was still holding your arm.

“Oh right. Well, I definitely like you, I don't talk to people I don't like this much,” he said, causing both of you to giggle slightly. “I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I just got so scared,” you said through a pitiful laugh.

“It's ok we all get scared of something. I just can't ever imagine someone like you liking someone like me,” he said rubbing the back of his neck. “What do you mean? You're so fucking funny and nice Johnnie of course I like you,” you say with a smile.

“Thanks but I don't believe you. It's just that you're so funny, smart, and… pretty. I don't know how I can compare.” he said looking down. “Johnnie, that's how I feel about you,” you said leaning towards him.

“We should hang out sometime,” he said, unfortunately removing his hand from your arm to fix his hair. “We’re hanging out right now,” you said, tilting your head slightly. “No, I mean like on a date?” he says looking up at you through his hair. “You wanna take me on a date?” you whisper leaning further towards him.

“Y-yes we should go on a date,” he said again, adjusting his hair. “Ok let's go on a date then.”

“OK?”

“Ok.”

[the-chessboard-is-personal]

people have hyped this up so much I'm scared (ii s2 post-s3 liveblog)

(/silly)

ahem. hi. post-watch Knight here, with a big tw: there is a suicide mention and intense death wishing at the end of this post. you can guess who it's directed towards but if you've already seen the episodes I don't think you'll get it wrong.

since there's only 3 episodes this one is going to work slightly differently, I'll have Big Text separating each of them and timestamp each different part of the liveblog. there will also be screenshots.

15:

(intro) wait Taco's trying to steal the win without even being a contestant? (4:48) "Don't Mention That Again" I've said it before it just feels like he speaks in capitalized words sometimes

(5:08) song?? THE SONG FUCKING SLAPS???

(8:02) hold on a moment I need to do someth[finds the song in isolation and adds it to the playlist Good Music]

(10:19) taco!! come on, bringing up beef at the show!

(12:48) "yes :)" oh what a bitch /affectionate

(15:49) tbh I agree with Knife here, if everyone respawns anyway, why is murder so bad? (<- building a death game in Minecraft)

(18:01) DAMNN holy shit, to think this isn't even canonically a scripted game, for Taco to say that?! aough

(19:45) HUH?? TACO CRACKED??? oh. OH she- she fucking died from stress- literally. oh shit. I- tbh I...can relate. I did that once. long story and I can't explain it here but.... holy shit.

(22:46) he's on a platform! MePad teleported him onto a platform!

(27:44) MePhone giving the "next time is the finale" speech rneanwhile there's two episode lef- oh shit

- after episode -

well that was a fucking cliffhanger. OH. MY. what!! WHAT!! COBS?? oh yeah also I don't hate Taco anymore. and the outro music slaps sdgkjhf

oh fuck I'm scared, onto the next episode!

16:

(1:00) HOKAY WELP RIGHT INTO ACTION. that was the same MePhone 3 from 4's memories wasn't it? were those other ones MePhone 2s??

(1:39) hough the parallels, I love this episode so far

(2:38) [his literal worst enemy is repeatedly trying to contact him directly] MePhone 4: [treats it like a minor annoyance]

oh also YIPPEE YINYANG IS THERE!!

(4:17) "are you offering?" lmao I wouldn't have even asked-

uhh

..? why is s3 so bad for Suitcase to hear about..?

(5:30) WHy is he HERE??

(7:28) what HEY IS PICKLE GONE FROM THE INTRO

(15:22) OH IT'S THE GUY. OH IT'S THE GUY o h OJ!! oagh but like. imagine that with humans. your friend starts panicking at something you can't hear or see, screams and then sUDDENLY THEIR FUCKING FACE IS GONE. that would be a neat analog horror actually

(18:32) he's just like me. he's just like me for real,, (<- also has trigger words)

(21:30) OH FUCK HE GOT NICKEL TOO

(23:42) wait- first Pickle then OJ, Nickel- no but OJ never got eliminated in s1. hm.

(25:30) wait- doesn't quite know what a frown looks like? d- does that rnean- wait wait nonono that was Cherry that yeeted Marshmallow-

(27:17) wait WAIT THIS HAPPENED WITH CABBY TOO DO NONE OF THEM HAVE PARENTS?? 27:27 no. nonon NO DON'T SAY IT DON'T YOU DARE DON';T YOU FCUKING DARE TELL ME [unpauses] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAKDSGJFK AGDFJKHAT'S WHY FAN GHLITCHEDD ADJKGF JAHLOUIAHF OSJHLKF HLA

- after episode -

OH MY HOUSEMATE WAS RIGH T I'M GONNA BR EA K OHH WHAT THE HELLfuck

hokay. okay. okayokayokaoyuayojoaykokoykaoykaokaoauuauhghhh

I am sane. I am normal. that's how he knows things. I need a break- okay so after like an hour, onto the next ep! wait is this the finale-

17:

(1:39) WHA- oh I misheard Knife as Knight.

(2:10) NO NOT TEST TUBE! (3:50) oh they're all going to-

(5:14) NO DON'T YOU DARE

,..,,.,why them,.., b.. but,theyre my favorites,,.

(11:34) wait they need to get that wire out of MePhone. that would stop MePhone X, right? but he doesn't know that..shit

(13:08) yeaAHHWHAT- oh. oh what

(15:14) let me guess Paintbrush got X'd while Fan was rambling. oh nvm. OH THE OTHER EGG IS PART OF MEPHONE 4?? oh that almost made me cry too- welp there goes lightbulb

(17:47) HUH??????????????? TOILET?????? wh a t .the fuck

(21:17) "cause that was pretty reductive!" oh they addressed it!

(22:48) o h. wh- what the HELL IS COBS'S PROBLEM?? LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM DOES HE NOT THINK MEPHONE4 IS ACTUALLY SENTIENT OR SOMETHING? DOES HE LIKE TORTURING HIM? EVERYONE'S FUCKING DEAD

(25:40) ohh no.. Bow probably can't be X'd anyway, does she really have to do. that. to someone .....sighhh. if Apple's okay with that happening (somehow) I guess it's not as scary. I won't understand the opinion but I don't really need to tbh.

(sorry no more timestamps I watched the whole rest of it speechless)

- after episode -

I- wh-

h-

but- he-

h-

h-

he- but he just- there was no- winner- Cobs- what about MePhone 3GS?? what abou-

h. hold on

hold on I need to. make an editr ealquick. just

relworld cursor editor almost crashed trying to save this

[spicyvampire]

Okay so after the whole Sakuna/Wansarut and Phaya/Tharn "characters description" fighter (protector)/healer+protector(mediator) post, now imma talk about about our resident Snake (PhD), Doctor Chalothorn being a fighter and well how do you convince a fighter to not fight?

I've already made a whole gifset about this but I needed to put the stuff into words cuz u just can't say everything in a gifset so this post is gonna be about a few things, first of all, the way Charlothorn's goals shifted in the last 2 episodes, from wanting to kill Phaya so he can have Tharn, to wanting to save Tharn and Phaya's end not really mattering anymore, and second of all Tharn's role in this shift and where have we saw something similar to this shift before aka Wansarut and Sakuna and how Wansarut even did that

Same disclaimer as the last one applies : pulling this out of my ass from watching the show, these are raw out-of-order thoughts, ill try my best to separate but like the last post because I'm going to have to go back and forth between Wansarut (love of my life, talking about Wansarut has to be my favorite activity rn), Sakuna, Tharn (smooching him smooching him), Phaya and Chalothorn this might get hard to follow but hey that's what it's like inside my brain so welcome to the mess

Putting it under keep reading

So like I said in the last post, Chalothorn is a fighter, like you can't get more fighter than this, the man is literally the prince/ruler of Nagas and he is right in the middle of the battle field anytime there is a fight to be had, and like I said in Sakuna's part of the post he is a level that can probably can only be rivaled by Sakuna's brother, you can't be a higher level of Naga fighter from what I understand, so like how do you fight this man if you are Wansarut and Sakuna? (ep. 8)

Keep in mind that : the answer is that they never were supposed to fight Chalothorn

SCENARIO 1 : Chalothorn wins

This is what we've seen in the show, Sakuna/Wansarut/Phaya/Tharn would never win against him in a fight because they just aren't strong enough to began with, Sakuna and his Garuda were not Chalothorn's level when he was alive, Wansarut is a healer/protector not a fighter, Phaya can only do ✨Sparkles✨ of Garuda powers as of rn and while Tharn can do some powerful protecting he is of the gang the person who is the less in contact with his past and magical self (other than for protecting Phaya magic, we have not even seen his Naga in this lifetime) and also his past self wasn't even a fighter, so it makes sense that Chalothorn just keep killing them and every single one of their reincarnations, he kills them so much that it was destroying his own soul (ep. 8) because surprise he is getting affected by the little cyclic karma thingy they got going on too, this isn't just about Wansarut/Sakuna and PhayaTharn, Chalothorn is trapped in this shit too

Clearly fighting is not the answer, because even if you win, which Chalothorn has been doing a lot of, you still lose, Chalothorn is losing control of his Naga form, not only does it destroy his soul (ep. 8) but he might just not be able to turn into his human form anymore aka would be forced to be a Naga forever (ep. 9)

Another lost of this is that he keeps losing Wansarut and having to wait for the cycle to start again so he would get another chance, like the level of psychological damage getting done to him because he kills the one he loves and he is always left behind alone to wait is enough to drive anybody insane (ep. 11)

And I think that's one of the reasons why it took him so long to understand that he should let Wansarut/Tharn go, because when you do something so despicable and keep doing it over and over again you have to justifies your bad actions to yourself so you don't break and the more you justifies them the harder it becomes to see clearly through them, so you just keep doing it, like Chalothorn probably hates himself more than he even hates Phaya or love Tharn at this point because he keeps killing reincarnations of Wansarut, like this is his reaction to killing Wansarut the first time, falling to his knees screaming and everything (ep. 8), the cognitive dissonance in that man's brain must be insane

SCENARIO 2 : Phaya wins

Now let's imagine for a second there that they did win, Phaya succeeded in killing Charlothorn, and then what? Isn't Charlothorn just gonna reincarnate and come back for them again? Like yes it might take some times but it will happen, and then Phaya and Tharn would be the one destroying their souls and making their karma worst, that's just not a solution

Also we saw with Narong's case part of the show that "victim turned attacker" is not the answer (anyways that's what the show says), when Tharn and Phaya are talking to the abbot at the end of episode 5 the abbot keep repeating that over and over again killing is not the answer

When Phaya Says "Those victims are left with no choice but to fight back in order to survive. They have to kill." The abbot answers "The basic code of moral conducts for human beings like us is the 5 precepts. One should be abstained from killing other living beings. These precepts can bring peace and happiness to your family and the society. Undertaking the 5 precepts will benefit not only yourself but also the people around you." Basically straight up telling them that [not killing] is the only answer that will bring peace to everyone

Also so many parallels can be made between Narong and Chalothorn (which is probably why it was easy for Chalothorn to possess Narong to attack Phaya but let's not get into that), because like isn't this Chalothorn? (ep. 5)

His mind is so clouded by anger and wanting to kill Phaya and getting Tharn that he is obsessed with it, he literally do not see anything else, specially if Phaya is in the room and/or mentioned, like I said a bit higher in this post, he hates Phaya, but he probably hates himself too, and so much hate and anger just blinds people

Also sidenote that I'm not really gonna dive into : How do you think Tharn would feel about Phaya killing Chalothorn, knowing what u know about him? like Tharn loves Chalothorn as a friend, and that's even if Chalothorn is responsible for all the bad things in his life (ep. 12)

Tharn may be looking at Chalothorn saying this but he said "Please stop killing each other." he could not be more clearly talking to both of them, he doesn't want Chalothorn to kill Phaya but he also doesn't want Phaya to kill Chalothorn

SCENARIO 3 : Tharn Wins

Now lemme say this, you can literally never convince a fighter by fighting him, like if you've ever had a fight/argument with someone you know that you cannot reach a compromise in the heat of the fight when everyone is angry and losing the control of their emotions, it just doesn't work, but what does work in the context of the show?

Wansarut and Sakuna

And now I'm back to Wansarut (<3<3<3<3<3<3) and Sakuna because well Wansarut did change a fighter's mind before already, this is part of Wansarut's power that's why I also describe Wansarut as a mediator, and what did Wansarut do exactly?

Well Wansarut healed Sakuna, even if he is from the enemy side, and took care of him and acted in a way that was protective of him, even if again Sakuna is an enemy of Wansarut's people (literally brother of the Garuda king) because that Wansarut's character, Wansarut is a healer/a protect/a mediator that's how Wansarut fights (ep. 8)

Then Wansarut tough Sakuna about Naga culture (Naga offering and breathing fire to pay respect to Buddha, on the 15th nigh of the 11th waxing moon)

And while being in love with each other did facilitate this change of view in Sakuna (which would later turn him a bit into a protector of Wansarut), you really do not need to be for this to work, like the best way to change people views on some things truly is just to expose them to the thing from the POV of the people living it, when nobody is in any immediate danger

And that is exactly how Tharn succeeded in convincing Chalothorn that the love between Phaya and him is good, by being there for Chalothorn and taking care of him, and being patient, until Chalothorn was ready to let him go on his own, not in the heat of of fight when everyone is angry and putting the blame on each other, which was again so healer/ protector/mediator of him like I talked about in my other post

Tharn and Chalothorn : the final

So with Wansarut and Sakuna we saw how Tharn could change Chalothorn's mind and what really does work, now imma dive into the last 2 episodes of this show aka the shift in Chalothorn

So in episode 6, Chalothorn says this

And at that time I think those words were true cuz that's literally what he has been doing isn't it? Like everytime he lost, both Wansarut and Sakuna's reincarnations died, so he was "okay" with killing Wansarut, as long as it meant that Sakuna was also dead and they weren't together (crazy way to fight cognitive dissonance if you ask me) but then something changed around episode 11 because Chalothorn started saving Tharn even if Phaya was still alive? (Ep. 11) (ep.12)

The importance of Chalothorn saving Tharn those 2 times, is that 1) now Tharn knows what the fuck is going on and 2) (like I said in the other post) Tharn end up understanding that Chalothorn can be talked too and reasoned with (the abbot would call it enlightenment), because in that 2nd saving he told Chalothorn to not kill Montee, and Chalothorn listened

Sidenote : Wansarut also did tell Chalothorn to not kill Sakuna and Chalothorn did listen that time too, like Wansarut has a BIG influence on this man (wish we saw their relationship before the mess), the only reason why the fight did continue was because Sakuna did not let Wansarut go

Why did he listen then? because he loves Wansarut, it really is as simple as that, and that's why he also listened to Tharn with Montee, because our chronically involuntary celibate man is head over dick for Tharn (valid and relatable)

So remember when I was talking about cognitive dissonance and stuff, well by ep 12, Chalothorn cannot justifies killing Tharn anymore, he is tired, he is turning into a Naga, and he cannot stand seeing another reincarnation of Wansarut die again, but most importantly he cannot stand to see Tharn die by his own hands

It's easy to concentrate on Phaya's distress in this scene but Chalothorn is in as much distress as Phaya, you can hear Chalothorn's voice break when Tharn is dying in both Phaya and his arms after asking them to stop killing each other, they are both screaming Tharn's name, and this time Chalothorn just listen because this is too much, his hatred for Phaya is just not important anymore, killing Phaya is just not as important anymore because anyways Tharn did choose him didn't he? isn't that what he wanted? even if Tharn clearly is in love with Phaya, Tharn did choose to come with him, so in a way none of this shit even fucking matters anymore

So for the 3rd time, he saves Tharn, this time by literally giving Tharn his soul so he would live (wish we saw him breaking down over Tharn dying in his arms in the Naga caves until he ended up giving Tharn his soul tbh), Chalothorn chooses to save a life instead of ending one and thus ending the curse on his part

[yumiis]

haiii i was wondering if u could do yumi with bipolar reader. im bipolar and saw u r too 🐞🐞

of course. here you go ml <3

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。 six months ; blake

　 ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

genre; hurt/comfort

type; imagine

tw + a/n // crying, reader has bipolar 2, medication mentions. this is all solely based on what i have gone through since my diagnosis of bipolar 2. i hope this can help comfort some of you.

read below.

Six long, tiresome months of taking those three stupid, little white pills every night at 9pm sharp. Not to calm your nerves. They were for your bipolar disorder, y'know, your lovely personality disorder. The thing you've lived with for years, but only just recently got a name for.

The day you were diagnosed was the day the puzzle pieces finally snapped into place. You finally knew the reason you'd get these bursts of happiness for a day or so, and then quickly spiral back into your depression hole for another two weeks. Bipolar II causes manic depression, manic episodes, or depressive episodes. You've experienced all three of them. None of them were fun.

Sure, when you were manic, you seemed fun. You were easily excitable, ready to do impulsive things, ready to conquer the world, it seemed. It was your brain searching for any strand of happiness. Searching for anything, searching for any kind of adrenaline. You were not happy, you were not ready to take over the world. You were struggling.

Your boyfriend could notice when you were having a manic episode.

"You okay?"

"Nope!" You'd say, in the happiest voice you could muster.

You got up, shaking your hands, stomping around his bedroom and pacing in circles.

Hey, it's okay. Calm down," He spoke in a more stern voice, trying to get your attention. You stared at him, "Calm down? Calm down?! No! I can't!"

Shortly after that, you'd break down in his arms. You didn't know what was wrong with you. You couldn't keep doing this.

That was the night that he suggested maybe looking into seeing a psychiatrist who could prescribe you some medicine to help with your issues. Once you were in a better state of mind, you warmed up to the idea.

That was six months ago. This is now. These medicines have made you numb. Anyone who spoke to you felt like they were speaking to a stack of bricks. Barely any vocal responses, only nods of the head and occasional "mhm"s.

These days, you mostly stayed in bed, aside the days you had to go to work. The days you had to go to work, your boyfriend drove you. The car rides were quiet aside from the music. Some days you'd be nonverbal before work. You couldn't form words. Couldn't find the strength to talk. Couldn't open your mouth. Sometimes the reason was all three. Blake understood that.

One day though, he tried to start a conversation in the car. "Babe?"

"Mmm?"

"Well uh, first, are you verbal?"

You sighed, "Kinda."

"Okay. Is the medicine even helping you? You seem kinda like a.. a fuckin' husk."

"Don't know. All I know is that I can handle a job now."

Blake sighed. "You really don't even need this job.. I make enough for us both, really, if you need anything you can just ask," You stopped him. You hated the thought of him supplying for you. "No, Blake. I'm not making you buy everything for me. That makes me feel all pitiful and useless."

You pulled up to your shitty retail job.

"I get off at 5," You grabbed your bag, "Love you." He nodded, sighing. "Love you too."

You put on your fake smile for every customer that walked through the front doors, checking them all out with a smile. The words "Have a good day!" were ingrained in your head by five in the afternoon.

You had to stay a few minutes late because of a small rush you had, but it wasn't anything too bad. You clocked out, saying bye to your manager, then walking out the front doors. You spotted your boyfriend's Honda, walking over to it and sitting in the passenger side.

"Hey," He spoke softly, "How was your day?"

You shrugged, "Another day."

He sat up a little, this was progress. You normally just groan in response, he was actually getting an answer.

"... Are you hungry? We could go get dinner or somethin'." He suggested. You tilted your head, thinking. You didn't pack a lunch today, but you really weren't hungry, and you didn't get paid til next week. "No, I'm okay. I brought a kinda big lunch." He smiled, you never bring lunch. "Oh! Okay. That's good then."

That's another thing. One of the medicines demolishes your appetite. You're never hungry, even if your body tells you that you are. You haven't eaten a proper meal in days.

You two make it back home. You go to Blake's room, setting your bag down, and lying in his bed. Blake goes up to Tanner, "Dude, they packed lunch today. That's huge for them, they never eat anymore." Tanner laughed, "What the hell are you on about? They didn't pack shit. They were down here all morning before they had to leave," He paused, taking a bite of his burger. "Never packed shit."

His face dropped. So you hadn't eaten, and you lied. "Oh. Uh, never mind. Ignore my dumbass." Blake went up to his room, seeing you on his bed, scrolling through your phone. "Hey.. What'd you pack for lunch? I'm curious." He asked you, picking your brain.

You panicked for a second. "Oh, uh.. I fixed two sandwiches before I got you to bring me." Blake nodded, "Uh huh," He sat down in his desk chair, "That's kinda funny you say that, 'cause we're out of sandwich meat, and Tanner also said you didn't pack anything this morning."

It was days like those where you felt like your boyfriend would leave you, but he never did. He stuck by your side, always. Even if you told white lies, even if you didn't eat, even if you're on medication, even if you cried in his arms, and even if you god damn hated yourself.

You were lying in his arms, crying into his chest. "Hey, breathe.. Breathe.." He softly spoke, cradling your head in his hands. He stroked your hair, pressing a kiss to your cheek. "I'm always gonna help you out, and I'm always fucking here for you. Always."

[nalyra-dreaming]

Hey,

Feel free to ignore if not an interesting question! But before we get into the finale where I imagine many emotions may arise and there may be many new things to add, I wonder if you have any favourite moments from S2 so far and/or any things that have surprised you?

And anyone in comments or reblogs - I'd love to hear this from anyone!

If anyone's interested, for me here are some things I have loved:

Armand. Assad's Armand has been even more glorious than I could have imagined. Armand is my second favourite character in the books and I honestly did not think it was possible that Armand could be elevated even beyond how much I love book-Armand, but Assad has achieved that! Episode 4 and 5 especially I was just speechless afterwards how incredible Assad is.

DreamStat. I have absolutely adored DreamStat. I did not miss Lestat in episodes 1-5 AT ALL because I adored DreamStat so much and because even if the DreamStat in an episode was only 30 seconds, it was always 30 seconds of 100% emotion. I loved how they used DreamStat to convey feelings; to convey Louis' internal world and experience and subconscious, to covey Loustat's love and connection and to express vampiric longing and transgressive thoughts, feelings and emotions. Absolutely adored it. Ironically, the episodes I missed Lestat in most this season were E3, which he was in the most but I found Armands storytime-Lestat too unnerving... and obviously E6 as he wasn't in it bar 2 seconds!

Claudeleine. Oh my: Madeleine and Claudeleine were both written utterly perfectly. Madeleine, again, I feel so much more from than book-Madeleine and she was simply exquisite.

E5 - A Masterpiece.

The music. The piece that opened S2E1 - Imagine Never Being Able to Dream remains my favourite so far from this season (I haven't listened to the S2 score yet so there may be some new thing I love more in E8 I have yet to hear.) When I first watched E1 I was so moved by this piece I had to watch the first 10/15 minutes of the episode... it was at least 3 times over as I couldn't even focus on what Louis and Claudia were saying, I was so moved by the music.

I've been surprised they haven't resolved everything, or at least more things with memory. I thought memories would be (pretty much, if not entirely) resolved by the end of S2 and from S3 on that we'd be working in (relative) truths. I also thought the stuff with memory would be a lot more to do with Louis and Daniel uncovering their own true memories. For example I was surprised that some memory revisits were part of the trial as opposed to Louis' perspective. We did do some of that in E5 of course, but that felt only the beginning to me.

Hey!

I actually concur with a lot of what you listed here ;)

Especially Assad‘s Armand… and the memories-in-Dubai thing. I had expected it to be a lot more uncovering for Louis and Daniel as well, but I can see it why they didn’t. Still, as said before, I would have preferred a slightly different season setup (with more time to actually resolve things before it ends).

I do love that Claudia and Madeleine got a proper arc. You feel for them. I also love the OST and my personal favorite piece of it will come up still 😏 I did not think Loumand would go that dark, and I don’t think there’s much chance of reconciliation once it breaks in Dubai tbh. But… we’ll see. I loved DreamStat being Louis‘ inner voice and I also find e3 weird… I adore the harlequin Lestat though, even if only a fanfic 😅 Santiago was so much more than I had anticipated and I loved how they made the… labyrinthian… depths.. :) of coven life clear.

I did not like them doing Merrick in SF, and I have already written a few notes on it all for an after-the-season post. But we’ll see if they pick it up in the last ep.

So these are my thoughts (for now^^) - anyone want to chime in?;))

[seenthisepisode]

hi! I saw your post about the why episode title change why 11 scenes cut why lamp etc etc and I know some of it but not all, and I was hoping you could elaborate on spngate— if it’s not too much trouble— or point me in a direction where I can join you in the spn gate?

I feel ashamed for HOW LONG i let this ask just rot in my askbox (it's from january, apparently, now it's april. i thought maybe two weeks passed but NO. it was months. ANON I AM SO SO SO SO SORRY. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART) but now with the power of this url and the wine i am currently sipping, let me give you the best, most thought-out answer that i possibly can.

I don't know how long you've been following/watching spn, so I won't get into real deep iceberg theories that go back to season 8 and jeremy carver, for the purpose of this essay answer I'll just stick to the year anno domini 2020, and will try to do my best to tell you what happened.

Okay, maybe 2019. So, in june 2019, when the first scripts and drafts for s15 are presented, these things happen: 1. apparently, according to Berens, the confession scene is the first thing that was written for season 15. 2. Jensen Ackles is sat down and asked if he would be okay with this. (question is asked: why would they ask jensen if all he does in this scene is look at cas, he doesn't say anything, he does not confess, it changes nothing about his character, etc.; if you put the real tjlc tinfoil hat on you'd ask hey , maybe they asked him if precisely that is okay, if he is okay with the fact dean is practically silenced here but that's Deep) 3. Jensen apparently is okay with that, because it happens.

also this thing happens around the same time: 1. they write the ending for the brothers, and no matter what version of the finale we're talking about, Dean dies 2. Jensen Ackles is Not Okay with this. he calls Kripke who then, in a call and/or email assures him it's a good ending (Jensen says that) and also very quickly after that Jensen is announced to play Soldier Boy in Kripke's The Boys. make of that what you want

They film, blah blah, march 2020, covid happens, they stop production right after they film the confession. Last episode to air is 15x13, last episode they film is 15x18, they almost have a plane crush when flying to vegas con, and then, a loooong break until august 2020. Now, from what we know, there were two versions of the finale - the pre-covid finale they were supposed to film if the filming schedule wasn't interrupted, and the finale that happened.

What was supposed to be in the Original Finale/Pre-Covid Finale, we still don't know exactly, but from what the cast said, there was supposed to be a big cast reunion, Harvelle's Roadhouse in Heaven, Kansas Band (why are they dead?) playing there after Dean gets there and so on.

Anyway. July 2020. Misha does a livestream with Michael Sheen (the SuperGood campaign) where he says he is going back to filming the last two episodes in a few weeks. he said it LIVE. it's on youtube. people analyze the background from Misha's livestreams and photos and conclude he is in Vacouver, where spn is filmed. He also says that he is going back filming in a few interviews. Also here.

August 2020. They go back to filming in august 2020 to film 15x19 and 15x20.

August 20th, 2020, Misha's birthday.

I wasn't on set TODAY. so casual. of all days i wasn't there today.

August 24th, 2020, day 6/8 of filming 15x19, Angel with a Shotgun is hash tag Song of The Day while filming scenes of 15x19 (scene 28, 31).

September 4th, 2020. ALL THEY FILM, for the whole DAY, is one scene. They usually film a few. They film one. Song of the day? The Night We Met.

Somewhere before the episodes starts to air again, Dabb says only 30% of the audience will like the finale. Anyway, everyone concludes, Misha is filming, destiel is more or less going canon, but everyone including bibros is sure Misha is filming and will be there for the finale.

Originally, "Despair" was called "The Truth".

Finale airs.

It feels shorter (apparently it's not) but it does have an additional ad break. For Walker. But it feels shorter because of the "carry on my wayward son" cover montage that lasts too long and later it's discovered thanks to scripts that dropped that there are ELEVEN scenes that were filmed,, but didn't make it to the episode. The script that drops is also very telling, where scenes are just [OMMITTED]. It was explained that they wanted to have actor there but they didn't want actors to quarantine for two weeks to film one or two scenes BUT then that's exactly what they did with Jim Beaver lmao.

So yeah. I also remember Misha at a con (DarkLight?) where, after asked about the original ending, he answers that the original ending was something that would be better explored in fanfiction anyway. Theory rises he filmed and was cut off the episode without his or Jensen's knowledge because Misha sat down his kids to watch the spn finale (which was the first episode they were supposed to watch ever, why would he do that if he's not there?) and then, CW SPN twitter posts a goodbye video that has everyone from the cast and their mother BUT MISHA AND JENSEN ARE NOT THERE. Jensens sexy silence starts.

THEN THE WILDEST THING HAPPENS.

November 25th, the Spanish Dub. 15x18 drops in Brazil and Dean says "and i you" to Cas, after he confesses. No "don't do this cas" but "and i you". Tumblr stops working for two hours, people on discords are screaming, no one knows whats happening, someone claims Jensen was called in September 2020 to record some adlibs? To record the muffled sobs Dean does while on the floor. Theory is supported by the fact that in the Bazil version? When Dean sits on the floor? The sound that plays are birds. Chirping birds. Sounds don't match, what was Dean saying while crying on the floor, question arises.

Everyone decides there was a Rogue Translator who managed to hide from The CW Sniper (who is the reason actors just dont tell us everything) and translated some kind of Original Script. Voice Actors are invited to a podcast where they debunk this saying that it was added because the translator felt this was the right response or something like that. Anyway they debunk the fact that there existed, at any time, a version of a script, that maybe was send to them, where Dean says I love you too. This was a wild night, no one slept.

And like. I could make this post longer, but I am planning to, one day, make a huge masterpost with real sources about that because honestly you could write a book about it.

But tl;dr spngate is a theory that misha did film for the last 2 episodes and the changes they made were truly last minute (september 2020), they were going for a canon destiel, possibly human!cas engame, dabb was always on our side, and it's based on stuff like jensen actively hating the ending to the point he made his prequel after 2 years of radio silence, 11 scenes just cut from the finale, misha saying he is going back filming, and people like mark pellegrino saying the last scene he filmed was with alex and misha. also the onion field. why lamp is the theory that cas is represented and symbolized by lamps throughout the show and when dean dances with a Lamp in a drug induced dream instead of, say, some kind of a lady he is actually thinking about cas.

also there are little things like when jensen at an online con before the finale says that oh yes i am wearing a grey flannel but tomorrow? who know it could be blue and green. and we all collectively lost our shit. like when he said he is most excited to "tackle" with cas in season 15. or that "dean has no taste, clearly". WHY WAS YOUR PERMISSION NEEDED JENSEN

there are a lot of things i didn't mention here because i simply can't unflod this whole thing just like that but

but if you understand this picture you might be entitled to financial compensation

[fellow-travelers-fic-recs]

Fellow Travelers Fic Recs | February Recap

February was the month for fluff! And boy, did this little fandom need it! So many wonderful fics this month, but I've highlighted the Top 20 that've stuck with me the most. Some Valentine's fluff, fake dating fun, our first Frankie/Marcus main pairing fic, smoking hot smut, a couple outstanding outsider POVs and a few phenomenal tearjerkers. A little something for everyone! ♦️ More fic recs can be found at the fic register, here. Not quite what you're looking for? Tell us what you had in mind, here! -> 💌 ✍️ In addition to the fics highlighted below, there were many new additions to the Promise You WILL Write collection. Check them out here! If you're feeling inspired, please visit the collection to leave a prompt for someone to write or take one for yourself… All are welcome! You can check out their page @promiseyouwillwrite for more info.

💞 February is for lovers... and domestic fluff... and slow dancing... and clothes sharing...and so much more! How do I love thee, let me count the weeks... is a month-long Valentine's Celebration and fic collection based on different prompts each week and hosted by @fellow-travelers-events. 💜 Check out my round-up's for Week 1, Week 2, and Week 3.

♦️ Yours forever anyway by @bluebellsinburbank | ConsumingLove (Bluebellstar) [G, 733] Hawk and Tim dance together.

♦️ Mad about the Boy by @redmyeyes | redmyeyes [E, 5K] “Tell me,” Hawk said, tilting Tim’s head back to give his forehead a quick kiss, “what does my boy want for his birthday?”

“Am I still? Your boy?” Part 3 of Fellow Travelers

♦️ Love Is An Angel Disguised As Lust by Anonymous [E, 2K] Hawk's eyes darkened, from outshining the daytime sky to rivalling the night. His lips curved into a wicked smirk. If Tim didn't know better, he might suspect he'd just played right into Hawk's hands.

"Educate me."

That wasn't exactly what Tim had intended. But, his attention caught by the glint off Hawk's wedding ring, Tim decided he could work with that.

Or, The edging fic that's probably sixty percent soft.

♦️ Rail me until I can't stand by @carnivalrow | nightfall_in_winter [E, 5K] Various missing scenes from episodes 1 and 8. Chapter 1 - Hawk's POV of their last time before Hawk's betrayal. Chapter 2 - Tim's POV of the same scene. Chapter 3 - A missing scene from Episode 1. Hawk is Tim's first because Skippy never went all the way with Bob…

♦️ Beguiled Again by @bluebellsinburbank | ConsumingLove (Bluebellstar) Tim comes home late, finding Hawk asleep and wearing his shirt.

Part 6 of Bravery | Part 3 of FT Valentine's Month

♦️ I Sing the Body Electric by telescape8💠 [M, 20K, WIP]  Modern AU. It all starts on Election Night 2016. Tim falls hard. Hawk falls harder.

♦️ All Tied Up With Nowhere To Go by @jesterlesbian | captainquint [E, 2K] “Are they too tight?” Hawk asked, tugging on Tim’s wrists.

Tim’s wrists were, at that moment, bound to the headboard of Hawkins Fuller’s bed by some carefully knotted neckties. Tim was struck by the thought of Hawk wearing one of these ties to work on a later day, becoming distracted in his office thinking of what they had done with them on this night. His mouth twitched up at the corner.

“Hey, are you listening to me?” Hawk placed a hand under his chin and tilted Tim’s face towards Hawk’s own. “This is important, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Tim rolled his wrists and wiggled his fingers to show they were fine. “I’m not made of glass, Hawk, you don’t have to treat me like I’ll break.” Or, Hawk teases a tied-up Tim

♦️ Till I Come Marching Home by Anonymous [G, 3K] Hawk spends his last day before deployment with Tim.

♦️ Please tell me now by @thewindyoubargainedfor | thewindyoubargainedfor [G, 1K] When Marcus arrives in San Francisco, he knows the first thing he needs to do.

♦️ You should be in my space (you should be in my life) by @startagainbuttercup |  startagainbuttercup What if Tim let Hawk touch him during their mutual masturbation session? Part 2 of FT Valentine's Month: how do i love thee, let me count the weeks...

♦️ Two Old Men at Grubstake on Pine by @vespersong | vespersong Hannah's story of the two old men at Grubstake Diner, in 1980s San Francisco.

♦️ A Disaster Beyond Measure by drabbleswabbles💠 [NR, 8K, WIP] Hawkins Fuller is a campaign manager with a PR disaster on his hands. The solution involves pretending to date none other than Timothy Laughlin.

Featuring: unrealistic portrayals of the life and job of a campaign manager for the sake of the fake dating trope.

♦️ Again, only better by @madsmeetsmisha | madsmeetsmisha [M, 14K, WIP] Hawk had no idea what was really going on here. All he knew was that he was back in 1954 and a completely distraught Tim was standing outside his door. And he also knew that he certainly wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

♦️ The gold of the dusk and the dawn by @redmyeyes | redmyeyes [M, 3K] Valentine’s Day, 1954

Part 4 of Fellow Travelers

♦️ Stay With Me by Joycee💠 [M, 10K] A week after Hawk goes home from San Francisco, he gets a phone call.

♦️ Down the road, later on, you will hate that I never gave more to you (than half of my heart) by @behindthesefangirleyes | SilverShadow1 [G, 1K] “I lied.”

Hawk isn’t sure what that means or if he’s brave enough to unpack it.

“About what?”

“Same as you,” Lucy says. “About myself.”

Or, Hawk learns about Tim's letter

♦️ psalms 40:2 by @thewindyoubargainedfor | thewindyoubargainedfor [NR, 3K] Tim arrives in his hospital room, and it’s the most interesting thing that’s happened to Roger in weeks.

♦️ Where No One Else Can See by @bluebellsinburbank | ConsumingLove (Bluebellstar) [G, 2K] Marcus once said Hawk was a damn good liar. And the first step in being the best damned liar that ever set foot in Washington, was the necessity of being able to lie to yourself.

Hawk had been lying to himself for so long - about so many things - even he didn't think he would know his own truth if it was laid bare before him.

Until soft brown eyes and a kiss that tasted like milk and eternity.

Until Skippy.

Or, How Tim's touch made Hawk realise a certain fact.

♦️ Sands of Time (Turn Backwards) by @brouill3r | brouiller [NR, 17K, WIP] 1987 Hawkins Fuller is full of regrets for the life he's lived, though Tim once told him he regrets nothing. Hawk so wishes he could say the same.

♦️ A Patchwork Life by @likerealpeopledo-on-ao3 | Likerealpeopledo Hawk spends time in San Francisco after Tim's death in order to keep the promises he made at the gala.

The events take place in canon between Tim's death and Hawk's visit to the quilt in October 1987.

💠 Authors: If your tumblr (or other socials) isn’t linked, and you'd like it to be, let me know and I'll be happy to add it. Or, if you are linked, and you'd rather not be, please contact me to remove it.

✨ Show the authors plenty of love with your comments and kudos on the fics you enjoyed after reading! Likes are lovely, but please reblog to share this content with your mutuals! ✨

[crimeronan]

can i ask what amity’s canon deal is?

just read the fragile facade you show to me

oh for sure!! this question Delights me. i actually tried to rein this infodump in but as you can see it got kind of long. obviously spoilers for the whole of toh ahead

canon amity is introduced as an overachieving school bully who is incredibly nasty to luz's first friend in the demon realm, willow. she's being mentored by lilith, who leads the emperor's coven, and is on the path to join + lead the emperor's coven herself someday. this would mean having immense social power but also being directly under the emperor's very fascist thumb.

in the canon, luz stumbles into the isles at age 14 and meets amity at demon high school; amity promptly tries to get her killed due to insane jealousy antics, but then the two of them enter a rivalry-turned-shaky-friendship instead. amity realizes over time that she's been Kind Of The Worst and starts trying to make better choices. she also has a falling-out with lilith when lilith makes her cheat in a witch's duel with luz, bc amity values honesty/fairness A Lot. that knocks her pretty squarely off the Emperor's Coven Ambitions path.

(which is funny given that she's introduced as just being. So Awful. amity please consider any of your unfair biases for 2 seconds challenge level IMPOSSIBLE)

it turns out that amity's mother is a Viciously abusive and classist social climber who has been hyper-controlling of every aspect of amity's life, including who she associates with and what she prioritizes and what her goals are. so a lot of amity's season one arc is about redefining who she is, what she wants, and who she cares about. and distancing herself from her parents. and making amends for her bullshit. and being desperately pathetically Embarrassingly head-over-heels for luz.

season 2 kicks off with amity's mom trying to kill luz, in part over Corrupting Their Daughter. this isn't even a homophobia thing this is just a classism thing. & amity Fully breaking from her parents' influence and fighting back against them to save luz's life. it's incredibly gay and involves her snarling "stay away from MY LUZ" be still my beating heart.

amity meets hunter later as an enemy. canon luz is aligned with wild witches, who are very much traitors to the empire. canon luz loves committing treason and fucking with the empire. amity and luz are dating at this point. amity is therefore now down to aid and abet her in Anything

amity and hunter spend the beginning of the episode psychologically fucking with each other because they both have The Exact Same Neuroses around needing to be Useful and Good Enough. then amity recognizes that hunter is actually Very Very Suicidal and Very Very Reckless in ways she herself once was; she offers him help and is basically like, "hey, i've been abused, too, but it's gonna be okay. come with me and my found family can help you."

hunter, who accepted similar kindness from luz earlier and Immediately got in terrible trouble with belos for it, is like .....hmm... maybe. i'm considering it.

then he realizes that amity has a magical object that belos needs & is like HAHA WAIT. NEVER MIND ACTUALLY. I CAN GET THE EMPEROR'S APPROVAL BACK IF I JUST TRY TO KILL YOU INSTEAD the two of them have a Wild and Desperate fight that ends in amity holding a knife to an exhausted hunter's throat & hunter telling her that if she escapes or kills him, the empire will slaughter luz in retaliation. checkmate!

hunter you suck so bad good god!

amity and hunter bury the hatchet about this offscreen later, though. there's very little ongoing animosity between them in the canon bc from a doylist perspective, there wasn't time to flesh out an entire onscreen talk about feelings; from a watsonian perspective, amity is just like, "yeah man, i tried to kill luz the first time i met her, i get it. you were crazy. i have been crazy before. we're all good"

endgame amity is fighting against the empire and against her mother alongside luz n luz's found family. four years into the future in the show's epilogue, amity is living a cheerful life as a wild witch inventor-slash-adventurer who is in a happy relationship with luz, who has made up with the friends she lost in high school, and who hangs out in giant cuddle puddles of said friends (including hunter) at least once per week, usually more. she's cast off her high school ambitions and is much MUCH happier and healthier.

so the princess AU is basically just positing that if amity DIDN'T meet luz at age 14, she would have continued down the path she'd started out on instead. which would have meant selling her soul to become an emperor's coven soldier and, just. becoming the loneliest most miserable bitch alive.

[triflesandparsnips]

I've spent a couple days now trying to find the right words for this, and I still don't know if it's quite right, but-- well, fuck it. I need to tell it in three parts, because I'm not sure it breaks down more easily than that, so let's start with:

Stede knew.

...that is to say: The more I think about it, and in light of what we're seeing so far in season 2 (though hey, the new episode drops tonight, who knows, who knows, but--)

--but the more I think about it, the more sure I am that Stede has always known that he's attracted to men-- and he definitely knew, all along, that he was attracted to Ed in particular.

It's been a popular (and very entertaining) theory that maybe he didn't know. There was certainly a lot of static on the line whenever the topic came up in season 1. He seemed to need help identifying "love"; he didn't respond to Ed's flirting or half-attempted moonlight kiss; he didn't, in fact, try anything that wasn't obscured behind ten thousand layers of plausible deniability to the degree that it was reasonable to interpret him as naive or innocent or completely unaware of his own queerness.

But I think... I think that's what it was. Obfuscation. Hiding behind the relative safety of a presumed ignorance.

Because it all comes back, over and traumatically-over, to that queer need for the language of safety.

Listen: Stede Bonnet grew up keenly aware that being the kind of person he was-- being soft, being gay, being different, being queer-- was reason enough for the world to beat the shit out of him even when he was just a socially unacceptable level of queer (picking flowers as a boy, staying unmarried as a man). In Stede's time period, being any more obviously queer than that, and being subsequently found out, could lead to literal death.

So Stede would have been aware that that sort of attraction wasn't safe-- or, at least, that acting on it wasn't safe in any but the most plausibly deniable of ways... unless, and until, he could be absolutely sure.

And that's the thing, that right there, that's the next part of this:

Stede knew, but that doesn't mean he trusted himself-- or Ed.

It's like this:

When you're somebody who's been punished before (socially and physically) for just the appearance of queerness-- god forbid the acceptance or celebration of it-- then you're going to develop a whole lot of ways to protect yourself from anyone getting proof that you're as queer as they suspect.

So if you're caught looking-- no, no, you were just thinking about a book you wanted to read, silly Stede Bonnet, head in the clouds--

--and if your hand is caught lingering too long-- no, no, that can't be right, because you don't touch anyone at all, see? Oh that Stede Bonnet, awkward as anything, barely knows where his tea cup is--

--and no, absolutely not, you can't be fooled into believing a friend might be something more, no matter how flirtatious his body, no matter how much he seems to cherish your regard-- because either he's lying to you (and you learned that one well enough as a child, didn't you), or... or worse, that's just how some men feel friendship, and you're the one making it strange, making it queer, and he wouldn't be like that anymore if you just stopped bothering him quite so much, toddle on back to your wife, Stede Bonnet, and it'll all be fine again...

The tragedy of the first season might really be, out of all that happened, that a man could kiss Stede Bonnet on the mouth and say he made him happy and ask that they plan a life together--

And Stede still doubted that Ed really meant it.

Stede knew, and he doubted Ed... but he was on the road to trusting himself.

I think Stede went to sea to come out.

I think becoming a pirate was a deliberate queering of his previous life, the first step in him trying to actually allow himself an intentional queer identity in a world where the rules, boundaries, and kinds relationships that were expected and acceptable were broad enough for him to finally exist.

And he was right! Because, like-- jfc, of all the reasons the crew wanted to mutiny, it wasn't because Stede was kinda swish. Of all the reasons Spanish Jackie was going to de-nose him, it wasn't because he was swanning around camp af. Calico Jack did some damage, sure, but he dropped it once his overall aim was achieved-- making it less about social punishment and more another way to needle Stede into responding. Hell, even Izzy's initial interactions with him (regardless of what extra ammo he brought to bear later, which tbh may need separate examination entirely once we get more of season 2) were bound up in Stede interfering in his business and somehow succeeding rather than anything having to do with Stede's queerness.

And when you consider it from that angle... my god, the man was a one-man pride parade and his love of Edward Teach was the float at the front.

He used coded language with Ed in the first five minutes he was conscious enough to fuckin do so ("Do you fancy a fine fabric?" --christ, watch Stede's eyes before he asks that question, the way he clocks Ed turning away to test the cashmere, and when Ed gives a safe response that's when Stede shares more, just watch him)--

He took Ed's silk, touched Ed's chest, complimented his looks-- and even if you trust Stede's memory of it over Ed's, where there was no half-gasp, no aborted kiss-- Stede did all that, and Ed didn't punish him for it. My god, when they went their separate ways, Stede turned back to look-- and so did Ed--

He draped his lace cuffs over Ed's bare wrists as they stood together at tea. He let himself believe Ed was committing to a life together when they agreed to co-captaincy. When he thought Ed had left permanently with Calico Jack he was explicit with Lucius about what it meant ("I think it's over")--

Look: Stede has, in comparison and in opposition to his previous life, been a reckless bolt of rainbow glory almost the entire time we've see him in season 1. It just doesn't look like it from the outside because... he's really good at the language of safety.

So all this to say:

It makes sense, Stede having no concern for telling everybody in the entire pirate world apparently about his love for Ed.

It makes sense for Stede to say "I should have told him how I feel"-- because he knew, even then, he was just afraid he was wrong.

And so it would make sense, to me, if Stede, back in proximity with Ed and with definitive proof that Ed felt the same way as Stede (or had, at least, at one point), proceeds to get absolutely weird with how much gooey queer LOVE he throws at Ed from the moment they're both coherent enough to form words.

BECAUSE:

Stede couldn't trust the straight world to be safe? Well now he's dead there, time to be queer af

AND

Stede couldn't trust that Ed wanted him the same way? Well babe just went around making the world burn and then promptly died trying because he got his heart broken by Stede, so Stede is going to be 100% insufferable about showing this very special boy just how much he is absolutely adored.

And I cannot wait to see what bullshit he comes up now that he finally feels safe.

[character-fan19]

MLB Season 5 Character Analysis: "Evolution"

Introduction

Hey guys, I'm finally back with the season 5 character analyses. It's been a while. Now that season 5 is over I can finally create an outline of how the individual journeys of the characters went and point out the foreshadowing done for them. If you've never seen these posts before in your life, then here I basically take an episode of Miraculous and do individual analyses for the characters who had some form of development in that episode by looking at their motivations, behaviours and thought processes. After season 4 ended, I started this series to clear up the misunderstandings people have about the characters and show them why they acted the way they did. If you want to see those analyses, you can find them here.

Man, was this season full of juicy characterization. Evolution is a very appropriate title for the first episode of this season because that's what these characters do, they evolve, for better or worse. So many things to breakdown like Felix, Marinette's trauma, insight into Gabriel's past, etc. This episode alone gives us Gabriel's descent into madness, Nathalie realizing that Gabriel has gone mad and although it wasn't as big of a part of the episode, Ladybug finally being able to give control to Cat Noir instead of doing everything herself. So let's start shall we?

Character POVs

Gabriel/Monarch

"I won't let you destroy my future, Ladybug! I'll be right back my love, I promise."

I've haven't really done much analysis of Gabriel because there wasn't really much to go off on for his character besides the fact that he wants to bring his wife back. But this season gives us a lot more insight into his character. Makes sense this is the last season of his arc. So let's start with this episode.

This episode shows us just how far Gabriel has fallen from the man he once was. Back in season 1, all he wanted was to bring his wife back, but as he kept fighting Ladybug and Cat Noir, he developed a hatred towards and saving Emilie became less of a goal and more of just an excuse to keep being villainous. In his mind, he still believes that he does this to bring his family back to together but in reality, now he just wants to one-up Ladybug and prove to her that she can't fool him anymore. He has been losing to her for so long that it messed him up and now that he has all this power, he became overconfident which of course ended in his downfall, losing the Rabbit Miraculous along with Nathalie's respect and loyalty. This is only just the beginning of his downfall though.

2. Marinette/Ladybug

"It's you and me, remember?"

After having finally understanding that she needs to let go of control at the end of season 4, she was able to accept help from Cat Noir which allowed her to be comfortable to trust him with a Miraculous as powerful as the Rabbit.

Because of this, she and Cat Noir having become stronger together as a team, having resolved their miscommunication issues from last season and learning that they need to communicate which each other.

Being able to give up control to others may have been a reason she let Cat Noir use the Rabbit Miraculous but it isn't the only reason. She's still a little shook from losing all the Miraculous and doesn't trust herself anymore with holding onto them, blaming herself for their loss even though the situation was completely out of her control. We'll see more of this in the next episode.

3. Nathalie

"You had the Time Miraculous. You could've chosen to save Emilie! You could've chosen to save me! (coughs) But instead you chose your obsession with Ladybug and Cat Noir. You're insane, Gabriel!"

Last but not least, we have Nathalie finally breaking ties with Gabriel after seeing how far he has gone from the man he once was.

This whole time, ever since season 1, the only reason Nathalie was helping Gabriel was because she believed that Gabriel was doing this to save Emilie and he admired his dedication towards bringing his family back together. But over the course of the series, she began to see his increasing desperation and madness and when he chose to one-up Ladybug and Cat Noir over achieving his original goal of reviving Emilie, she knew that he wasn't doing this for Emilie anymore, which was the entire reason she helped in the first place and thus, she lost any respect and admiration he ever had for him and as we see in future episodes, attempt to protect Adrien from Gabriel and antagonize him but more on that in her other appearances.

Conclusion

This season was the beginning for a lot of things, Gabriel's descent into madness, a hint of Ladybug recovering from losing all the Miraculous and Nathalie realizing the monster Gabriel has began and trying to oppose his plans.

That was all for this analysis and I can't wait to get into future episodes and explore all the things this season has given us. It's truly going to be something. Let me know your thoughts and feel free to point out anything I might have missed for any of the characters this episode.

[ronancexists]

SPOILERS FOR "WHAT IF?" season 2

Ok but like can we just talk about how Nat and Peggy are totally in love in season 2 episode 5 of "What If?"

I mean damn talk about having some fucking chemistry.

Like I had shipped them in season 1 after seeing them interact, but damn season 2 just fucking solidified my belief that the two of them are totally in love with one another.

First of all, the way they were totally like borderline flirting within the first few minutes of the episode when they were fighting Loki and his army. And the way that Peggy literally saved Nat's life and the way they were showing off their moves to one another had me fan-girling and shipping so fucking hard.

Second, the way Nat would look at Peggy almost with like a longing, sad look on her face whenever she mentioned Steve.

Third, when Peggy picked Natasha up in the car Natasha originally used to pick Steve up in TWS, she teases Nat (and the audience) about how she wouldn't run in circles and she literally greets Nat by saying "Hey there, lovely." Like girl be fucking fr. I dare you to tell me that isn't something someone would say to their partner or someone they fancy. I DARE YOU!!

Fourth, the entire conversation between Peggy and Nat while they were waiting for Steve to wake up just like gave me romantic vibes. Then, when he woke up, Natasha almost looked sad that Peggy was giving attention to Steve. Now it could be because she felt like Peggy didn't trust her because she wasn't listening to her about Steve not being who he was, but to me it felt like more than that.

Fifth, just like the little one-liners between them and the jabs they threw at one another. Like Nat saying she's "a sucker for a great love story" and Peggy telling Nat "we're going to unpack that later" after she found out Melina was Nat's mom(ish).

And this isn't even mentioning the fact that when Peggy confronted Fury about Steve and found out Natasha knew, Natasha retorts by saying "I didn't want to break your heart a second time" or whatever. LIKE BRUH YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT AIN'T THE TYPE OF THING SOMEONE WHO IS HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WOULD SAY TO THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Also the way Nat was freaking the fuck out after Peggy disappeared into the portal (side note: I'm so fucking happy they managed to get Elizabeth Olsen to voice Wanda/Scarlet Witch. I miss her sm and I cannot wait to discover her story in the series!) because she'd literally just agreed to go on a road trip to help Peggy find Steve and try to reverse the brainwashing the Red Room had done to him.

Anyways, I think that's all I've got for now. This was all off the top of my head after I've just finished watching the episode. I'm excited to see more of the series and I'm especially exited to see Wanda again!!!