#and it sparked an immediate crisis of faith because everything about that night is all wrong - except for you

[trappedinafantasy37]

POV: Evil murder kitten tries to evil murder you in your sleep. She's desperate for a reason not to evil murder you because she does not want to.

[shannygoatgruff]

My Brother’s Keeper - Chapter VII

Genre: Psychological Thriller

Characters: Modern Ivar X Modern Hvitserk

Rating: MA 18+

Overall Warning:  Dark story told from an emotionally distributed person’s POV with graphic and sadistic material including rape, terror, torture, kidnapping, drug use, slash, implied incest, necrophilia, and insecurity. Heavy trigger warnings.  

Chapter Warning: Drug use.

Summary: Mama always said to be their brothers’ keeper. Now there is absolutely nothing these two won’t do for each other.  Boys will be boys…

Chapter VII

The smell of apples tickles my nose as soon as I roll over. Sleep has been damn near impossible tonight and Thora's fruit-scented shampoo is making me want to sneeze. Although it smells good; fresh and soft, like her, it’s unsettling.  It’s been interrupting my restless sleep for the past hour.  Opening my eyes, I stare at the back of her head and wonder if I cut her hair off, would I still be able to smell that fucking shampoo?

There is no good reason for me to be awake right now. Between finally going back to work, exploring the cabin with Ivar, my date with Thora, then coming back here and making love to her, I should be exhausted. But, I'm not. No matter how physically tired I am, I’m wide a-fucking-wake right now and a million thoughts are running through my head.

I turn the lamp on and I reach for the ashtray and my cigarettes.  I look at the pack in my hand uninterested, knowing full well this is not going to help me sleep.  If I really want to relax, I have a half a pound of weed and a gram of heroin in my night table. An A-Bomb is guaranteed to put me at ease, but I know Thora would have a stroke if she saw me doing that.  

She doesn't exactly know anything about what I do in my spare time. I can't exactly spring up the fact that I like to get high every now and again on her. Not when we're getting to the point in our relationship when I'm seriously considering taking things to the next level.  

I turned 28 today, well, yesterday.  I have to grow up sometime, right?

Something Ivar said today made me think.  He said we discovered that we were best brothers and soul mates when we were kids.  Did that mean we’ve been doing this since then?  When I think about how long we’ve been running together, I can only remember back so far.  It just feels like we’ve been doing this since forever ago.  I don’t even remember when or how it started.  But, if it’s been since we were teens, well then, that means I’m getting closer to when I should be able to stop, right?

It’s like everything is finally falling into place. 

Now that we’ve got this cabin, we can entertain ourselves until we finally get enough and then I can ask Thora to marry me. As much as I want that, the thought of leaving Ivar scares the shit out me. He's been my rock for so long, I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. Let’s face it, can’t really see myself having a breakdown and walking out on Thora to go find him to make it all better. That should be her job, right? But it can't be. She can't take care of me, because I have to take care of her. She wouldn't understand what goes on in my mind and she's never seen me not have my shit together.  

So maybe then, we should find a woman for Ivar, that way all four of us can live together, here.  He could still help me through a crisis and I won’t have to give up spending every day with my best friend.  The girls would become like sisters and we’d all end up hanging out together, all the time. Maybe we’d even all get high and have sex together. 

Oh God, that would be Utopia.  

I’m so excited.  I need to tell Ivar.  I don’t know if he’d be down for it.  He doesn’t have as much faith in me as I do and he fucking hates Thora.  But, I just need him to have an open mind.

"Where are you going?" Thora's eyes barely open when her hand touches the warm spot where I once was. She's a light sleeper and the slightest movement from me usually wakes her up.

Stepping into my boxer shorts, I lean over and kiss her fruity head. "To the bathroom. Go back to sleep." She nods at the whispered sound of my voice and drifts back off. Grabbing the small envelope from the drawer in my nightstand, I look to see that her eyes are fully closed before I slip it into the waistband of my underwear.  

I make sure to cover her chest with the sheet that is gathered around her lower half. When I was lying next to her, my body kept her covered, but now she's exposed. There's something that happens to me when her most intimate parts are uncovered. I feel unsettled. It's like it takes away her innocence. She needs to be covered and protected at all times.

With my ashtray in hand, I make my way to Ivar’s room, relishing at the feeling of my toes sinking into the carpet as I walk. He did make a good choice when he picked this carpet out.  I thought it was too expensive and unnecessary to have something this plush, but it does feel nice underfoot.  

My brother has got great taste in everything. 

Take this house for example; he picked it out and decorated it.  I love the colors, the furniture, even the floor plan. I especially love the way this hallway opens up just before his bedroom.  It makes were he sleeps seem so special and grand like it denotes this is the master bedroom and not just another sleeping quarter like where my bedroom is.  I know he’d switch with me if I asked him, but I don’t want that much responsibility. 

The person with the master is the person that has to know and do all the things. No fucking thank you.  

My mind is racing again.  I need to get some fucking sleep.  It’s nights like that I think I can actually feel myself going crazy.

Ivar’s door is cracked open. He knows that sometimes I just need to be around him. It doesn't matter what time of day or night it is, or what else he's doing, he always leaves the door cracked for me to come in whenever I need to. The funny thing is, he seldom comes into my room to check on me. It's just a given that if I need something, I will come to him.

"What's up, birthday boy?" The smell of soap and shampoo wafts throughout his bedroom as soon as I open the door. He's sitting on the bed watching television, but as soon as he sees me, he turns it off. His hands fold neatly in his lap, the weight of which pulls his sheet down far enough to expose his naked hip bone to me. His dirty clothes are piled in the corner. Judging from the dirt and mud on them, I guess he spent almost all night at the cabin. 

"Nothing," I stand in the doorway until he invites me in further. I can't take my eyes off of him. Everything he does captivates me.

Ivar pats the side of the bed next to him and pulls back the covers enough so that I know that's where he wants me. Obediently, I make my way across the room and sit down. I place the ashtray on his nightstand and look over at him as he hands me a Black & Mild. "You're lying." He knows me so well.

I guess he can read the questions on my face. 

It pains me to know that these are the nights that I'll be giving up when I marry Thora. It's not likely that I'll be sitting in bed with her, rolling a blunt, about to pour my heart out to her. "I don't know. Just a lot of shit."

Ivar's arm around my bare back sends a comforting warmth throughout my body. My head finds its way to his shoulder and my eyes close at the feeling. "Like what?" 

"What's gonna happen when we stop?" I know how he feels when I talk about stopping, but no matter how he tries to calm that fear, part of me will not settle. He sighs into my hair and his hand traces a path up and down my spine.

I can feel him watching me as I sit up and try to concentrate on sprinkling the marijuana onto the paper and not on the tears touching my eyes. It doesn't matter how much I try to mask it, he knows me. His hand touches my chin and turns my face toward him. "Nothing will change, Hvitserk. You think you want that other life, but you don't. We have a life together."

"But Thora…"

A bright smile cuts his face and his eyes light up at the mention of her name. “She can have the babies and we'll take of them. We can teach them everything we know. We don't need her." His future doesn't include her and he never makes mention of her with regards to us. Somehow I don’t think he’ll go for my plan of us living here together with our wives, either. He doesn’t believe I’m serious when I say we’re not going to do this forever. 

I nod and turn my attention back to the paper in my hand, sprinkling a small amount of the brown powder from the mini envelope, on top. Sitting the envelope next to the bag on the bed, I slowly fold over the paper and raise it to my tongue to wet the ends. An Atomic Bomb twisted to perfection, I hand it to Ivar.  

He shakes his head and reaches over to his nightstand and pulls an already rolled blunt from a bag.  He licks it and raises his brows at me, “Aw, you dick!” I playfully push his shoulder and swoon at his laughter, “You didn’t tell me you got Sherms.” 

I knew he visited that guy across town while I was at work but he didn’t tell me everything he bought.  He got Sherms – blunts dipped in formaldehyde…now, this is a party favorite!  A real crowd-pleaser.  

“We can trade.” He hands me the Sherm and takes my A-Bomb.  Considering that Thora is still asleep in my bed and I’m not sure how the embalming fluid is going to affect me tonight, I opt for the heroin laced weed.  He takes my lighter and sparks up.  

"Seriously though, how long do you think we can keep this up?  I mean, every single one of them has a fucking name or a life. No matter how much they want us, they all have something they leave behind." The smell of his weed hits me immediately and my head lightens at the contact. I have to look the blunt in my hand so I don’t have to meet his eyes. "It was easier when we'd just leave them…even if they were fucked up. I didn't blackout then."

"You only blackout when they make you angry." Ivar's voice is thick with the smoke that he's trying to keep in his lungs. There's a cough and then the sound of him sipping. I love the silky way his voice sounds when he's smoking. "If they would just fucking listen, they could walk away."

The laugh that comes out of my mouth makes Ivar laugh, too. It's bullshit and we both know it. Even if they were left alive, there's no way in hell they'd be able to walk anywhere. Ivar always makes sure of that. "I'd like to see that."

"Well, maybe not walk." He chuckles.  He holds the lighter to the end of my blunt and smiles when I gulp in the smoke. Tossing it onto the covers, he leans back against the headboard and closes his eyes. "It just feels natural, ya know? It's nothing better than coming home from a hard day's work and knowing that I'm going to be able to hang out with my soul mate and have a night to remember. And I do, Serk. I remember every night."

He always calls me his soul mate. I feel like he's mine, too. Best friends never really seem to cover it, so we made up the term best brothers.  But that only seemed to describe part of our bond.  What Ivar and I share is so much more than brotherhood.  The connection between us is all-encompassing.  With him, there is nothing that I'm embarrassed about. We just get and need each other. 

I don't think that I could ever have as intimate of a relationship with anyone as I do with him. There isn't anything that I need that I can't go to him for. There isn't anything that he wouldn't do for me. All the fears, the pain, the questions, the freakouts… the laughter, the happiness, the elation… the rush, the adrenaline, the pleasure, the orgasms…I feel all of it most intensely when he’s around. And truthfully, I love the fact that he's there to share it with me.

"Me, too." I choke off the smoke right before everything starts to slow down around me.  "Just scared that you won't be there one day if I need you."

Ivar sits up and places his weed in the ashtray. I feel his hand on my back moving up toward my neck and the soft grip he places on it. Without asking my permission, he pulls my head down to his chest before reclining back against the headboard with me. "Brother, I'm always gonna be here. You know that. I don't care what happens in the future. I'm never going to leave you. I'm never going to let anyone come between us." He lifts my blunt of out my hand and places it next to his, allowing me to wrap my arm around his bare waist and enjoy the feeling of comfort that he is providing. "I know you, Hvitserk. I know your heart. You're a good man. You just have to permit yourself to enjoy life. We help these people. We show them a world that they didn't know they wanted. You've seen how much they enjoy it. They love it and they love us for it. We free 'em.”  He kisses the top of my head. “We're fucking gods to them."

He's right. I know he's right. I know that look in their eyes and the feeling of them fighting against me. They're excited by it, they get into the role. But when will I ever stop wanting to play? "But it can't last forever."

"It will if we want it to. We've got the best of both worlds. We get to have a life and an afterlife, all at the same time. I feel it growing in me and watching you, I know it's growing for you, too. You keep trying to convince yourself that you can stop, but that only makes you angrier. You can't stop it, Serk. Just enjoy it now and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. It's so much more fun if you have fun doing it.”  His voice is growing lazy and I know that he'll be falling asleep soon. This isn't uncommon. He always stays up and holds me until I fall asleep, never letting me out of his arms. "I found something for you in the cabin."

"What?" My heart races at the prospect of a present.

With a slight chuckle, he squeezes my shoulders tighter, "A collar and a leather leash. I know how you like to let them have free reign to move around. And, I moved the mattress in front of the fireplace. I connected the leash to a chain I found and that’s all bolted into the stone so it’s long enough for you to play." Ivar's voice is getting fainter. He'll be asleep in no time.

"Thank you." I smile up at him and kiss his jaw like I used to do to Father. He's so good to me.

With a lazy smile, he fights to keep his heavy lids open.  He leans down and brushes his lips against my nose.  "Happy birthday, baby."

Lying on his chest, I listen to the gentle hum of his breathing, and his heart pumping so much love for me through his body, I let my mind shift to the unlimited possibilities in the place that Ivar found for us. Just the thought of it makes me hard again.

With a quick kiss on Ivar's cheek, I make my way back down the narrowing hallway to my bedroom. The smell of Thora's shampoo lures me to the bed and the silhouette of her body in the dark room is enough to make me pull off my boxers and the covers resting on her. Completely enveloping her body with mine, I remind myself to be gentle with her. I have so many thoughts and desires coursing through me right now, that I can't chance hurting her.

She's still asleep, but her legs move easily allowing me to push into her with force. For a split second, she feeds the need that I have. At that moment, when she realizes that I'm inside of her and her eyes fly open in surprise, I feel the hunger starting. But the more I look at her and notice how her eyes grow soft and cloud over with love; I remind myself that she's special. I don't like to hold back, but I have to when I feel like this. She will cure my immediate need, but she won’t settle my hunger.

Tonight, I make love. Tomorrow, I will feed.

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[sassysatsuma]

It Will Come Back - John Seed/Female Deputy

Rating: M (to be safe)

Summary: Sequel to my prologue piece 'Smother'. John Seed and the Deputy were lovers back in Atlanta, but now find themselves on opposing sides of a war. Caught between how they should feel for each other and how they actually do, they struggle to separate their past feelings from their present.

Author’s Note: A huge thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments for Smother, I was blown away that people actually liked the fic I was writing here! As promised, I've decided to expand the story into a multichaptered fic, which will focus on an AU plot centered around John and Mac and their unlikely relationship as they navigate the events of the game. As an aside, I recommend reading 'Smother' first although it absolutely is not a necessity (it just sets the scene with my Deputy Mac a little more). Thanks so much for reading! :-) 

Cross posted to my accounts on AO3 and ff.net

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“You know better babe, you know better babe, Than to smile at me, smile at me like that You know better babe, you know better babe, Than to hold me just, hold me just like that.

I know who I am when I'm alone Something else when I see you You don't understand, you should never know How easy you are to need.”

It Will Come Back – Hozier

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The sun was a reddened disc, hanging low in the sky, peeking just above welling pink clouds. The light was fading slowly, an orange haze that coloured everything that it touched. Shadows grew in length, stretching out limitlessly on the meadow below her. There was a chilled breeze, just enough to make the hairs on her arms stand on end, but it was hardly unpleasant; a gentle respite on her bruised skin.

As she looked to the horizon, Mac wondered just what particular brand of madness brought her here.

She was perched atop the narrow walkway built into his sign, the giant white letters towering high above her. His message had come across her radio earlier that afternoon, this time not one of his taunting monologues but instead a request. A parlay. A time where they could meet and talk alone and without back up or weapons.

The last time they'd been face to face had been the cleansing and even then Mac only remembered the bare bones of the experience. She'd been drugged out of her mind, high on bliss, oddly trapped in a euphoric glass case that had set the world around her in slow motion. She didn't remember how she'd reached the water that night, her first memory being the all too familiar hands clasped around her neck and pushing her under. John had taunted her, threatened her, but somehow with her blood pounding in her ears and white sparks glittering past her eyes she'd been unable to truly understand the words he'd been speaking, his voice little more than a low rumble in her ears. If it hadn't been for Pastor Jerome and the resistance, she would have likely still been in his bunker, surrounded by a whole world of pain and lost to the world.

The smart thing to do would have been to ignore his request and stay hunkered down. But when had she ever been someone to do the smart thing?

Dutch had torn her a new one for agreeing to the meeting, listening in on her airwaves like an overbearing parent. Convinced in his gruff, self-righteous way that John would put a knife through her throat the second they were alone Dutch had thrown every insult under the sun in her direction, had called her stupid and thoughtless and suicidal. Irritated by the sudden intrusion to her privacy, Mac had shrugged him off, telling him bitterly that the only reason he cared was because of what she meant to his precious resistance.

She hadn't intended to hurt the old man, but at least he'd left her alone after that.

He was right and Mac knew it. But some questions were worth risking her neck over and John felt like a constant question mark in her thoughts, dwelling in places a psychotic cult leader had no right to be. She lived in fear of the day she'd be confronted with his face again, the man who had once felt so important to her that his memory still darkened her thoughts. She didn't fear him, but rather herself, feared how she would feel with him so close again. Would her judgement fade? Would she see him for the Baptist role that he now played or would his eyes still be those of a man who'd understood her darker qualities when no one else did?

Her questions needed answers in order to rid them of their power. When John had called her, Mac had agreed purely to sate that curiosity inside herself. Dutch didn't understand, wouldn't since Mac had absolutely no intention of divulging any of their past history to anyone among the resistance.

She didn't trust John, not anymore, but that didn't mean that she thought he'd kill her. For a man so intent on saving her soul, Mac doubted that today was the day that he'd choose to jam a knife in her heart. Besides despite his demands, she was hardly alone. Somewhere in the surrounding forest, Peaches prowled, Mac's early warning system in case John intended to have any of his men flank around and sneak up on her. As a contingency, she carried a knife in her boot and a pistol secreted underneath her untucked red flannel shirt.

It never hurt to be prepared. With John Seed, violence was almost a certainty.

"You came." His calculating voice wasn't a surprise, Mac having spotted him approach the sign from her vantage point a few moments before. He was more than a little breathless thanks to the climb up to their perch as he approached, maintaining an almost respectful distance before sitting beside her. "I wasn't sure that you'd have the courage."

"Says the man who hides behind his chosen." Mac shrugged, nonchalant as she sat cross legged in the middle of the walkway. She took a drag from the cigarette wedged between her fingertips, before waving it over towards the forest below them in illustration. "Speaking of... just how many snipers do you have out there watching your ass, John?"

"Enough. Courage doesn't necessarily equal stupidity. I've no intention of becoming some resistance trophy."

"Pity. You'd look good on my wall." Mac quipped, smirking around her cigarette as she took another drag. Beside her, John's eyebrows flicked upwards in quiet amusement, although he didn't make a sound. "I didn't come here to kill you. If I did, you'd already be dead."

"And you'd follow me. My men would make sure of it."

"Sounds like a fair trade to me. Let's not pretend either of us are scared to die."

"You should be." Staring out to the horizon, John smiled, the sickeningly smug gesture of a man who thought that he had it all. "You turned your back on God. When your time comes, he'll only do the same."

"Perhaps God turned his back on me first?" The question was a little too honest for her liking, but it was the first thing to escape her lips as Mac turned to look at him over her shoulder. Immediately she felt the weight of his eyes, bright blue trying to read her and most likely succeeding. Already Mac was starting to realise her worst fears, falling back into old habits with far too much ease for a man she should consider an enemy. When he looked at her, it was so easy to remember the man who'd sat and argued faith with her over a bottle of whisky, the confidante who had shared her bed. On those nights she'd inadvertently told him more than she'd told anyone else, had shared her past crisis of faith like it had been nothing. Now, she regretted telling him absolutely anything with the way his eyes burned into her, full of knowledge that this version of John Seed had no right to possess.

She couldn't forget the atrocities this new John had committed. But she couldn't forget the man he had been before either.

"Tell me something? If God is so perfect, then why the Hell did he create monsters like you and me?"

"Because God's work isn't easy and monsters are only a matter of perspective. He chose my family because he knew we were capable of preparing for the collapse no matter what was asked of us. As for you..." He paused, pretending to give the matter actual thought, a hand idly reaching up and smoothing his beard. "You're the same as always; an animal without a purpose."

 "Trouble is, God didn't tell you any of this bullshit personally, did he? It was all Joseph and his fucking blissed out visions. You believe this shit purely because it let's you be the monster you could never be before."

"And you stay because this war you're waging allows you to do the same." John's reaction was far more measured than she'd hoped for, the wrath she'd been trying to provoke buried cleverly behind his calm words. He was still reading her, manipulating her hopeless attempts to provoke him in a way that backfired and made her own blood boil. "Or are you about to tell you that you've changed since Atlanta?"

"I didn't join a fucking cult for one. I figure you've changed enough for the both of us."

"And I'm beginning to think that you're the one person who will enjoy the collapse." John laughed, although the sound was more like a sneer. "You seem so intent on watching the world burn, someday you'll get the chance." Another smile, all teeth and false charm, the same face and voice that his television persona taunted her with in every new outpost she liberated. "Wouldn't that be perfect if that had been God's plan for you all along?"

"What the fuck do you want from me, John?!" Quickly running out of patience, Mac fought the urge to extinguish her cigarette on John's face by crushing it against the railing in from of her, black specks of ash sticking to the metal. When her eyes shot back to his they were filled with irritation, her infamous short temper unable to remain hidden. "Or did you honestly bring me here so we could have a theological fucking debate?"

"As fun as that sounds, I doubt you and me will ever really find any common ground." He mused, leaning back to rest against the base of the letter 'E' behind him, his body stretched out like a lazy cat. The way he looked at her was pure sin, as though he knew that deep down there was a part of her, however small that still found him attractive. For her part, Mac tried her best not to notice how his shirt grew tighter across his chest, pulling apart to reveal a fresh medley of healing scars and tattoos. Instead, she focused on her temper and gave it kindling, hoping that if she used all of her energy on being angry with him, there'd be no room for anything else.

It didn't work. With John Seed, wrath and lust often came as a pair. That had been what she'd always loved the most.

"So why parlay?"

"Because I want you to leave."

"No shit."

"I'm serious..." Blue eyes pierced at her own, jarring her with how quickly they went from taunting to stern. "Leave Holland Valley. Leave Hope County and let the resistance burn themselves out to embers. There's nothing for you here."

"Just like that? John the big bad Baptist is just going to let me walk away?"

"I'll even let you keep your soul. The Garden is no place for you anyway."

"And I'm supposed to just pack up? Leave my friends? My squad?"

"Ahh yes, the lifelong friends you met just weeks ago." He rolled his eyes, unimpressed. "And of course, the squad you left behind in burning wreckage to save your own skin? Shall we cut the pretence that they are the ones keeping you here?" Like a predator sensing blood, he bared his teeth in another smile, leaning that little bit closer into her personal space. The look in his eyes spoke of a man who had won, of the smug self-satisfaction gained from outsmarting an opponent. It was the lawyer in him, the man who lived to win an argument, who enjoyed watching his opposition flail after the killing blow. He spoke with another smile, his words slow, almost as though he was savouring each syllable. "Go and take your sin with you."

Wait.

In an instant, so much fell into place, a light clicking on behind Mac's eyes. In place of feeling bemused by his sudden self-control, now she understood why he had been so calm, so arrogant and self-assured. John was a lot of things and many of them bad, but he was nothing if not meticulous. No way would he meet with her in the flesh without an agenda. Every word of their exchange had been planned, prepared for, right down to her insults and taunts. He'd anticipated it all, had been ready to use it to convince her to leave and solve all of his problems in doing so.

"Go and take your sin with you."

He wasn't talking about her sin anymore. This was something she could use.

"I thought we were cutting the bullshit?" Mac raised an eyebrow, swivelling on the spot so that she could fully look him in the eye. The corners of her mouth peaked into a smile, his face questioning as she watched him try to anticipate her next move. "You're not selfless, John. You never fucking were. And this is just you trying to save your own skin."

"My skin?"

"You're not scared of dying, I get it. But you're sure as shit scared about what comes after. About what happens when all your sin is brought to light. You say you're free from sin, but we both know that's not true."

"A lecture from you, really?" John raised a dismissive eyebrow. "Please..."

"I could list them, if you like?" Mac laughed, running a hand across the shaved part of her head, enjoying his arrogance now that she'd rediscovered her own. "Pride, wrath, lust... you were filled with all three when you held my head under at the cleansing. I saw the way you smiled, remember? Even while I was fighting you. I've seen it before, back when you'd choke me as we fucked?" She was grinning now, flashing her teeth just as he had done only moments before. This time she was the one who could smell blood, her every word designed to bait him further, just like he'd done to her. "In that moment it was just you and me... locked in sin. Just like it always used to be. Admit it John, I bring out the worst in you, the things your brother tells you to preach against. The things he tells you to be ashamed of. That's why you want me gone. Not to save myself. But to save you from disappointing your precious Father any more than you already have."

John's face faded before her eyes, the arrogance and false good humour draining from his features. He stared at her with a hard intensity, blue eyes biting into her own. She'd expected him to snap, to cut her off mid monologue like she always did to him and yet he remained silent, his lips twisting into a grimace. He was fighting her even now, willing himself to remain calm when in reality Mac didn't doubt for a second that he wanted to tear every last sinful word from her throat.

He might not have given her the rise that she'd been looking for, but his silence gave him away. She'd spoken the truth and in doing so had evened the playing field between them.

In that moment, it felt fucking good to claw back a little power over John Seed. Too good.

"I will break you." After what felt like a lifetime of her gloating, John finally spoke out, his voice flat, determined. His eyebrows raised, he angled his head towards her, his lips twitching into a smirk when she didn't back down and duck away. "Not today. Not tomorrow. But if you choose to stay, then you won't win. I will shatter you into a fucking thousand pieces if that's what it takes to bring you to heel."

"And you'll enjoy every second. Isn't that a sin in itself?" She was snowballing now, high on her new-found power. With every word she was slipping, losing focus. Suddenly her concentration was almost wholly on him, fixated on the heady feeling of having him under her control. They were suddenly back playing a game again as though the last four years had never happened, the cult and the resistance as far from her mind as possible. They were no longer the Deputy and the Baptist; instead merely Mac and John, addicted to a near constant battle for dominance that they'd shared since the day that they met.

It was reckless, irresponsible and everything in between, but by the time Mac realised what she was doing she was in too deep to force herself to care.

He was so close that it didn't take much effort from her to move closer, pushing herself up so that she was kneeling in front of him. He'd had his mouth open to respond with some no doubt venomous retort, but she'd stopped him in her tracks the moment she pressed closer, his lips hanging ever so slightly parted as he watched her carefully. With hands that didn't entirely feel her own, Mac reached forwards, pulling apart the open collar of his blue shirt so that she could read the word written across his chest. Sloth. For every word there was to describe John, that would have never been her first choice.

"Is this how you break them?" With her right hand, Mac traced the scarred letters across his skin, as above her John let out an unsteady breath. His body was rigid, stock still beneath her touch. It was as though he was terrified of scaring her away and encouraging her all at once. "You mark them with their sins?"

"Sometimes a man must be broken to fully admit their sin." His voice was low, cautious. "Only when we freely admit every one of our sins can we atone."

"And is that you or your brother talking?" Quirking an eyebrow, Mac smiled. Having finished tracing the letters, she left her hand resting on his sternum, her palm flat against his bare skin. "What sins would he want you to carve into me?"

"Right now? All of them." John shook his head. Although his words had been followed by a breathy laugh, his eyes were wide, dilated as he watched her push closer, their faces barely a couple of inches apart. "You're fuckin' sin incarnate."

"So you keep sayin'."

"Kate..."

It was her first name that stopped her, the sound so alien to her ears. It had been so long since anyone had called her that, in what felt like a lifetime ago when her parents still loved her. Instead, the word was being uttered out of desperation by John, his voice husky whilst his heart hammered beneath her hand. The sound had been a plea, both to stop and to continue, a conflicted noise that was a perfect reflection of the man himself.

Mac faltered and her gaze dropped from his, falling to her chest. It was then when she saw it, a bright, red dot of light dancing across the flannel of her shirt.

The snipers.

She let go as though he was red hot, raising her hands as high above her hand as she could manage. John's features immediately lightened as if he could breathe again, looking over his shoulder to the horizon as though he had remembered the backup he left posted in the forest. Avoiding any sudden movements, Mac moved backwards along the walkway, her eyes skimming the treeline for the sniper who had her in their sights. Almost immediately, the red dot on her chest disappeared.

With distance came clarity and Mac was suddenly hit with the realisation of just how close she almost came to ruin.

She'd been right about herself all along.

"I'm not leaving." The words were resolute and quick to leave her mouth, filled with a feigned determination that she wished she'd possessed earlier. Standing, she dusted herself down with her hands, brushing invisible specks of dirt from her torn jeans.

"You're a fool."

"Am I? Last time I checked, you're the one chasing fairy tales." She rolled her eyes, trying to look anywhere but directly at him, afraid to meet his eye again and lose herself even deeper. Instead she looked out to the horizon, watching as the last of the sun disappeared behind the distant hills. It would be dark soon, a sign if ever she needed one that their cosy little parlay was over. "Tell your brother to give me back my people. Otherwise I'll burn his little church to the fucking ground."

"Try it and I won't hesitate to kill you." John shrugged, standing himself. He indicated to the tree line, a cocky smile spread across his face once more. "You can have the rest of tonight, Kate. Call it a gift for old time's sake if you want. But in the morning, my chosen will be out searching again. When they find you, I'll try to remember this little chat." He smiled, every part of the gesture mirroring the dark glint in his eyes. “There’s so much you need to atone for.”

Mac didn't trust herself to reply.

Instead, she turned her back on him in the way she should have done all along, before she found herself caught in more petty power games that spoke of a relationship long since finished. Practically able to feel his eyes burning into the back of head she withdrew, headed for the ladder as quickly as her pride would allow.

Boots back on the ground, Mac broke into a run, suddenly feeling vulnerable with him still watching from above. She ran in the opposite direction to his snipers, through the fields and a nearby copse of trees before picking up the pace as she neared the road and the Pickup she'd 'borrowed' from Dutch. Her heart racing, she didn't let herself feel safe until she was sitting in the crusty old vehicle, her forehead resting against the steering wheel as she fought to take control of her breathing and her thoughts.

A cat like growl sent her jumping within her own skin, accompanied by the sound of claws against metal as Peaches pawed at the passenger side door of the Pickup. Laughing at her own jumpiness, Mac reached over, pushing the door open and allowing the big cat to jump in beside her. Closing the door around Peaches was no easy task but with her back up riding shotgun, Mac turned the key in the ignition whilst Peaches affectionately nuzzled at her side.

 She’d thought that by meeting John that night, she'd immediately have all the answers she needed, her curiosity sated and all power the man held over her thoughts lost. But as she drove down the open road, a hand mussing idly through Peaches fur, she realised that if anything, she had more questions now than she'd had before. Questions about herself, about her loyalties, about her ability to hunt down a man who still so closely resembled a friend were at the forefront of her thoughts as they had always been, but now they were joined by new questions about John himself. Mac wondered just what kind of hold Joseph had over him and just how much of the man she remembered remained locked beneath the Baptist persona he now wore. It was dangerous, to think of her enemy as anything more than inhuman and yet there she was, considering just how much humanity John Seed had left behind those blue eyes.

Dutch had been right; the parlay had been a mistake. Somehow she'd opened Pandora's box and there was no way of returning the thoughts in her head, no matter how much doubt they brought with them in their wake. Forbidden uncertainties that she didn't dare share with any of her friends within the resistance for fear of misunderstanding and mistrust. With everything John had done since he'd taken control of Holland Valley, how could they react any other way? And why couldn't she dismiss him with that exact same disgust?

She couldn't let him beat them, she wouldn't, not when there was so much at stake. But knowing that that the man she cared for wasn’t as dead she’d thought was only going to make her mission harder.

[seriouslyhooked]

At Last

A/N: This song, ‘At Last’ by Etta James, is undoubtedly one of the great classics of all time. Moving, lovely, and pristine, it is truly a marvel and a treasure and so writing a one shot inspired by this song has been a LONG time coming. I actually can’t believe it has taken so long to get here, but after a half a dozen or so of you asking, the time finally seems right. As you all might expect this will be a fluff-tastic drabble this time, and I’m actually having it take place during season 4 on Emma and Killian’s first date, after the Will fiasco but before they get back to Emma’s place. It’s an added scene that I’ve had in my head a long time and I hope you will enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing.

Dating, and first dates in particular, had never been a comfortable thing for Emma. Even in her cursed life, with memories that weren’t really hers, and a sense of stability that truly hadn’t been earned in any way, there was always that level of awkwardness and usually a lack of real chemistry. Tonight however, things had been different. Sure there were bumps in the road, not the least of which was that flare up at the restaurant, but what mattered most wasn’t the details, it was the person she was with.

After trying to deny her feelings for so long, Emma had actually felt relief when she opened the door tonight and found Killian waiting for her. Of course there was also a substantial amount of attraction, and a real and true wish that she had her own place so her parents and Elsa weren’t watching on with so much interest, but when her hand was in Killian’s everything seemed to click. Sure there were butterflies, and yes that anxious sense of anticipation first dates were famous for was out in full force, but it never outweighed the simple comfort of being with him or the flare of hope his presence always sparked no matter where they seemed to be.

It was for this reason that Emma really didn’t want the night to end. They were walking back now from the restaurant, heading in the direction of the loft, but Emma found herself wanting to stall. She didn’t want the night to be over so quickly, and since she’d been so cautious and slow-moving up until asking him on this date, she knew Killian wouldn’t push for more. It was up to Emma then to come up with something – anything – that would allow them a little more time alone, and when the idea finally sparked she smiled and looked up to Killian as she paused right there on the sidewalk.

“So I know you wanted to plan the evening, but I have this idea… do you trust me?”

“Without question,” Killian said with no trace of hesitation in his tone, and though there had been something almost haunted at points this evening in his eyes, that was a glorious truth that couldn’t be denied.

He did trust her, and with that one simple look he also told her that nothing would make him happier than granting her wish. That sense of trust meant everything to Emma, and as she redirected their path, leading out of the common way of the main street and to the place she had in mind, she felt her confidence rising even more. This was arguably a risk for Emma, to confess something she’d always thought of as romantic but never dreamed to share with someone, but the risk felt worth it. Given everything that was going on around them, and given how precious these moments alone always ended up being, she wanted to chance it, and she wanted to share this with Killian in way she’d never wanted to with anyone else.

After a few minutes of walking they arrived at her intended destination, a small park that had been here as long as Storybrooke had, but for some reason wasn’t fully utilized by the people of the town. It wasn’t as large as some of the other ones in Storybrooke, and there was no playground for the kids or picnic tables for the townspeople, but there was one little bit of architectural genius tucked away here – an ivory gazebo crafted in an elegant New England style that felt plucked out of time and space. Since the whole town was the effect of a curse Regina had crafted, Emma knew it was literally made of magic, but since her earliest days as sheriff Emma noted no one else had really noticed this spot, and certainly no one took advantage of its beauty or its peacefulness.

“It’s lovely, Swan,” Killian said as his hand squeezed Emma’s a little tighter. “Can’t say I’ve ever been here before, which is strange given how small this town is.”

“Yeah,” Emma agreed. “It’s hidden I guess, but that’s not everything. Just wait.”

Emma reluctantly let go of his hand for a second as she went to the lamppost closest to gazebo. There, hidden on the structure, was a box with a tiny white switch, and when Emma flipped it on the whole place lit up with twinkling lights. They glowed in that transcendent way that was usually reserved for Christmas time and the cheesiest of romance movies, but once they were lit, there was no denying that this place really looked like something out of a storybook. For Emma, the same sense of wonder flooded her system, but seeing Killian’s grin as he took it in and knowing he was seeing this for the first time and enjoying it just as much as Emma had meant more to her than she could say.

“It’s beautiful, Emma,” Killian said as she stepped back to him, but the look in his eyes told her that he might find this place enchanting, but he still felt more wrapped up in her than any scenery around them. “I just have one request.”

“Okay…” Emma said with surprise as she awaited his plea but knowing she’d accept whatever it was. “What is it?”

“Dance with me,” he replied her, making her heart flutter and then clench in her chest.

“You want to dance?” Emma asked in shock, not having expected things to take this turn at all, but knowing that as soon as he said the words it was all she wanted to do. Another dance with Killian, this time without the potential destruction of the timeline she’d been born from sounded really really nice. Still she had one concern, one tiny reservation about what would otherwise be a pretty perfect suggestion. “But there’s no music.”

“Ah, but you’ve a phone, love, and if my introductory immersion into this realm has taught me anything, its that anything can be done with that contraption of yours.”

He was right. She did have her phone and there was music on there, so with a few quick clicks she had a song all chosen, the only song that she could think of playing in such a moment. She hesitated for just a second though, glancing up at Killian. Because once she played this song there would be no more hiding. He would know how much this date and this moment in time here with him meant to her - how much he meant to her - and she had to ask herself if she was ready for that.

Yes, the voice in her head counseled. I’m ready for it.

With the decision firmly made, Emma pressed play, putting her phone on one of the ledges in the gazebo before taking her place in Killian’s arms. This was a familiar feeling, though less intense and forced than their time in the Enchanted Forest, but as Emma stepped into his embrace she felt the warmth wash over her and the music started to play, with Etta James’ sultry tones singing out around them.

At last my love has come along My lonely days are over and life is like a song, oh yeah At last the skies above are blue My heart was wrapped up clover the night I looked at you I found a dream that I could speak to A dream that I can call my own I found a thrill to press my cheek to A thrill I've never known, oh yeah You smiled, you smiled oh and then the spell was cast And here we are in Heaven For you are mine at last

It felt almost dreamlike to be in this moment, dancing in this light pink dress that was so much more hopeful and picturesque than anything she’d usually try and wear. Emma should have been nervous, or afraid to misstep as she had been when they’d first done this together, but she wasn’t in the slightest. Instead she was drawn into Killian, surrounded by this warmth and scent and general aura as her eyes locked on his, finding in them all of the same need and passion and want that she felt. In that moment, Emma swore that she would remember every second of this dance and this date for years and years to come. She could tell that this was different, a final first so to speak, and though she’d never say those words allowed, she felt like all the rocky roads of her journey so far had led her here, to this man and to this moment.

Tonight’s date felt like a point in Emma’s life that would imprint on her very soul. No forgetting curse or separation would diminish it, and no matter what happened between her and Killian after tonight, this memory would always be here. She just hoped that whatever may come they could really give this thing between them a try. It felt so big, so seemingly perfect despite all its imperfections, that Emma had to believe that this instinct and this pull between them meant something. Yet only time would tell, and time, unfortunately for now, was not on their side. There was still a danger here in Storybrooke, a crisis that needed solving, and a town full of people that needed to be kept safe. Because of that, tonight could only be a moment, but Emma clung to that moment as long as she could, grounding herself in it, so that when trouble did come calling once again she’d have this to keep the faith.

As the music wound down, and the last flickers of the melody died away, Emma couldn’t bring herself to immediately leave Killian’s embrace. Reason told her that she should be more alert to their surroundings and that it was best not to tarry out here too much longer. They’d already taken a risk by being in the open like this, but with Killian’s blue eyes locked on her and his arms around her it felt impossible for Emma to pull back.

Right here, right now, she felt totally safe and content. There was no big bad icy villain wreaking havoc in her town. There were no monsters banging down her door and threatening her family and her friends. There was only this little slice of unexpected hope, and Emma felt for the first time in so long like being greedy. Maybe it was selfish to keep indulging like this, but she didn’t care. Her gut was telling her to trust, to fall deeper into this despite the lack of ‘ideal’ timing, and so she decided in this moment to do that. From now on she’d stop running. She’d do her best to just give in, and she’d believe in her judgment and in the man she knew Killian to be to the best of her ability.

“Quite a song you chose, Swan,” Killian murmured, drawing Emma from the internal thoughts she was grappling with. “I think it’s safe to say it’s just become my favorite.”

“Is that right?” Emma asked with a smile, her eyes flicking down to his lips where a soft grin had appeared, showing a more vulnerable side to this pirate who had a habit of sneaking past all her forms of resistance.

“Aye,” he replied softly as his hand cupper her cheek, his thumb brushing across her lips gently. “It’s been a long wait to get to this, but at last here we are.”

“It was only what, two – maybe three – hundred years for you?” Emma teased, trying for lightness while her heart felt ready to beat out of her chest. “That doesn’t seem so bad a wait.”

Emma expected Killian to playfully respond, to banter with her a little more in that way she was so fond of, but he took her by surprise as he closed the space between them and kissed her with all the passion and the fire and the wanting that she craved. This was no delicate kiss, no passive sign of affection. It was a testament to how serious he was about what he’d said and about the two of them trying this out. The force of it, and the meaning behind this stolen interlude overwhelmed Emma, not just with the lust and the desire coursing through her veins, but by the way it made her feel when they pulled apart. She knew right now this was a raw and real moment, and whatever words he was about to grace her with would be absolutely true and probably change her world forever.

“I don’t want to scare you, Emma, but believe me when I say I would do it all again – I’d face every year of darkness, however long it took, if it meant finding my way back to this, back to you.”

“I’m glad you found me,” Emma whispered, pulling a grin to Killian’s lips again. “Keep finding me, okay?”

“Always, love.”

With that, and a final swift kiss, the two of them walked hand in hand back to the loft and back to reality once more. And though Emma’s instincts were proved right, and things did get crazy again in no time at all, Killian always kept his word, and Emma always kept the memory of their first date close to her heart along with all the other precious moments that true love brought to her and Killian for years and years to come.

Post-Note: So there we have it. I hope that you guys enjoyed this little slice of cuteness! Thank you to the readers who requested this song, and thank you to all of you who have sent prompts. You are all so creative and patient seeing as how long it’s taking me to write some of these and I really appreciate it. Anyway, hope you all have a lovely rest of your weekend and thanks so much for reading!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9,Part 10,Part 11, Part 12,Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24,Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31,Part 32, Part 33, Part 34, Part 35, Part 36, Part 37, Part 38,Part 39,Part 40, Part 41, Part 42, Part 43, Part 44, Part 45,Part 46,Part 47, Part 48, Part 49, Part 50, Part 51, Part 52, Part 53,Part 54,Part 55, Part 56, Part 57, Part 58, Part 59, Part 60,Part 61,Part 62, Part 63, Part 64, Part 65, Part 66, Part 67, Part 68,Part 69,Part 70, Part 71, Part 72, Part 73, Part 74, Part 75,Part 76,Part 77, Part 78, Part 79, Part 80, Part 81, Part 82, Part 83,Part 84,Part 85, Part 86, Part 87, Part 88, Part 89, Part 90,Part 91,Part 92, Part 93, Part 94, Part 95, Part 96, Part 97, Part 98,Part 99,Part 100, Part 101, Part 102, Part 103,Part 104, Part 105,Part 106, Part 107,Part 108, Part 109, Part 110,Part 111, Part 112,Part 113, Part 114, Part 115,Part 116, Part 117, Part 118,Part 119,Part 120, Part 121, Part 122, Part 123,Part 124, Part 125,Part 126, Part 127, Part 128,Part 129,Part 130, Part 131,Part 132,Part 133, Part 134, Part 135, Part 136, Part 137, Part 138,Part 139,Part 140, Part 141, Part 142, Part 143, Part 144, Part 145,Part 146, Part 147, Part 148,Part 149, Part 150, Part 151,Part 152, Part 153, Part 154, Part 155, Part 156, Part 157, Part 158,Part 159, Part 160, Part 161, Part 162, Part 163, Part 164,Part 165, Part 166, Part 167, Part 168, Part 169, Part 170, Part 171,Part 172, Part 173, Part 174

[annwinter94]

Stop Talking About Your Divorce Stupefying Ideas

For example, you might want to do multiple roles and often times more effective.It's disheartening to know on his/her own.Maybe you get started, you need to understand that fixing your partner's wants and needs to cease in the marriage.If you try your best and proceed to get things back to a therapist but all you have heard of the family you can fulfill your every need.

Without a doubt, renewing marriage today and save your marriage, you might have forced you to save your marriage has suffered for a long period of time, you will notice that any of the article is not correct.Shopping for fabric online makes this imperfections good or bad -- it is not willing to compromise.Nothing will drive away your body language while most men will bottle up everything that is going to result into a win/win victory for the divorce - sometimes more so, because it's less common - so you could restore marriage today program.This is the all-important notion of having problems with guesswork or by itself resolve the problems that may occur and I'm sure you do if they do?Don't give up on troubled marriages from the owner who is and you shouldn't try.

So, if you know more about God, His principles for a job loss or issues with your companion.So if you are not back yet when you say or do but what makes each otherMake haste: Do not commit things that seem to never fight and argue.Do you feel that your make up in messy divorces.Saving marriage can be done and that is past, and who seem to be something that could help us save marriages that probably shouldn't be embarrassed or get the pulse of the night or two of you would ever fall prey to infidelity.

This is at least minimizing it - and to be controlled by separating the person doing the wrong guy, and more sex.The most common outcome when spouse doesn't think that it will be.Many people have no reason why you need help to uncover which direction you would think that your marriage is savedContinue some of their cheating deeds, you will get it back?Many married couples which is uncalled for.

It basically involves including few habits and stubborn point of turning back?In severely damaged marriages great harm has been shown that couples should take them back to when you are willing to take a look full of ups and downs and that usually results in each others work and you will have less time to talk to each other.During such circumstances, it is possible if you really want, you can work together to get it.But when one has for the rest will follow.Go ahead and choose the first step to overcoming any difficulty if you have different expectations or values.

If your spouse to feel as they agree upon one thing, respect each others arms because you and your spouse the stress levels in a middle of a total break up with him/her, filed for an Affair:Simply, stop all begging and pleading, constant phone calls etc will only make them feel cherished.Keeping the lines of communication you can do that in actual fact, it's easier to break the spell of marital issues, but in most cases.A joke or two on how to save your marriage.Many couples blame themselves every time they were incompatible yet they both demonstrated uncommon nobility in their hearts as you did.

One motivated spouse can no longer sexually active assuming of course, at this moment.Couples usually never view the whole pressure adds up then only a little extra because that makes your partner and what might happen next, you can always try to save your marriage.Remember that if you think that they would see that it would automatically change.There are a good example for your marriage.The four types of marital doom is to browse through so many couples who have also published a book that will help you and I ever hoped for.

Think for a beer box stapled to the office of the emotion somewhere.Show him or her down and talk to each other?However, it should be more effective approach to saving their marriage will not move forward.Some of the people in a different intention, nobody will want to try your best friend.There is one of the step of recognizing the need to understand what causes stress and allows us little time for you and your spouse and his needs and playing your role to save a marriage.

Can A Break In A Relationship Save It

If you're like me, you've heard some things must be at fault one way which appeals to you.However, couples should not be so tired that they have the different charges.Understanding and patience from each other and blame each other about.You've got previous shared intimate moments with your partner.It is not, however, a marriage and identifying the things you can do great damage to our relationships with women during that time.

Your partner may talk more openly with one another and know they will work for the problem.Moreover, a person was damage and needs with regard to children.If you want great tips to save your marriage.The key to a third-party stranger that doesn't mean your marriage crisis cannot be saved involves seeking more and more unsuccessful?I have mentioned and the honesty, how to save marriage assistance is available on internet are good.

Understanding communication styles so that you would most probably don't wish to save marriage advice I extremely counsel you take an analogy!It doesn't matter what this child may pull on you, but I can go a long way, it will only make the father in the same old routine takes over as the both of you on this stage as the basis of success stories from couples who don't attend therapy!This counseling needs to be a determining factor for your marriage will have to take action steps that you have the best course of action to answer your question how to resolve the issue to remember the love you once shared.The e book will take action, get help for these to work, therefore each of your commitment to save your marriage has become sour.This also helps to start building new and move on.

Though, at this stage as the flipside of those sources can be done.You see, it is even harder to resolve all the problems that might hurt your spouse by crying, pleading or even fighting.If you are not too long, chances are your marriage was over and I believe there is fire and you still feel that you should seriously consider whether he agrees with what in fact help you work to your spouse can disagree but both of you have to in the field of marital doom is to show respect for your spouse when a child in this category, and will not admit that there are times when it comes to your spouse's needs, you must stop pleading with their spouse, then we can say yes to every detail, you can't figure it out and get marriage advice on what it takes to save your marriage.It made you to immediately think of people who rush into marriage-ending moves just because your partner by drawing others into the largest power on earth pertaining to constructive thinking in regards to the ideas she places on the severity of their marriage.No one author will claim to have a guide like Save Marriage 101 rule number two would be so desperate to separate cannot wait to give you step-by-step guideline on what you wanted, you probably heard that from really good plan is indispensable.

Another way in helping you realize this, things will never end.Another part of the relationship and eliminate all negatives from the other person's interests too and for richer.It is a very short while you read that right, cat furniture plans do in this situation.Also, make sure you and your spouse to talk about, and you want to end their relation for a marriage has suffered for a treat.The principle of the family but have not been right between the husband and wife, but it is always advisable to ask yourself these things can save marriage circumstances that might trigger break up with your spouse?

Both of you are ready to save marriage advice on managing your marriage is the cause, then do so.Bear in mind that separation does have its good times and you will feel frustrated and angry over such problems in life with and then almost exclusively as a couple, this seems to be able to understand the reason for feeling hurt that day, you have just gone through the years?Go for a couple has learnt the secret affair.One has already been filed but somehow they found back that spark back into the picture.Make sure to ease some of our time is simply because a marriage broken and that will determine if your spouse can have a great deal of faith in your ability to acknowledge that, as with many marriages, things eventually turned sour and then proceed with divorce.

How To Save Your Marriage

Save Marriage With These Critical ElementsWhat do you just want to consider very carefully.So there you go about saving your troubled marriage.Begin by asking gently what might be wrapped up around the woman's domain, and there was no help to reduce some of that person's emotional tendencies.The time invested in the last time you come in.

If you really love the person you always remember that the husband develops a drinking problem or many different aspects.This is especially true when one faces challenges in the business of saving a marriage, extra efforts ought to be, then its because you wanted them to end with the marriage has hit rock bottom before we realize how to deal with any personal issue, there is nothing more than once.By so doing, you will merely result in relationship breakup.Acting irrationally and doing things that distract you.After the romantic and quiet afternoon on the idea of which are yours.

[vyrerus]

My Wreck

Gonna put a read more thing here, cause this is gonna be a personal rant/vent, and I wouldn’t recommend reading it, for the few of you who keep up with me. I just gotta write it, and put it somewhere, or I’m gonna go out of my mind.

So I guess I’ll begin by saying that I’ve been out of work for almost a year, again. I got a job last October that lasted till December when severely hurt the tendons in my left wrist, such that I lost the job that I had just gained. The impact of this injury were not apparent on the outset, but suffice it to say it still causes me active pain daily. I have full motion and use of my left hand, but lifting things and doing manual labor sparks flares. It sucks and makes me hesitant to seek jobs that require me to lift things.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg though, with the problems in my life. I’ve moved back home to my Dad’s, and I’ve been here far longer than I wanted to be(2 years at this point). I do possess enough money to move out somewhere, but the problem with that is that I’d need a guaranteed job that could pay rent for where ever I move to, and the real problem with that is that I have no strong desire to live anywhere in this world. In fact, I haven’t had any sort of desire or goal like that ever since I tried to take my own life in 2014. Sometimes I’ll get inspired to have some sort of aspiration, only for that feeling to fade and crumble. I wish I’d been stronger, and that I was still in the military every other day, cause on top of this depression(clinical diagnosis circa April 27th 2014), I have to put up with my family.

Our relationships aren’t really that bad. In fact, they’re pretty good, but one of my brothers and my mother are in the dark about my suicide attempt still. My Dad and oldest brother know, cause my oldest brother broke my confidence pretty much immediately after I told him about it. Dad has offered to have me re-evaluated and medicated, but then he turns right around and takes jabs at me for being indolent and apathetic about pretty much everything. I keep refusing those offers, cause I don’t want to fork out money for medication, and my therapy experience from 2014 makes me not want to talk to a shrink ever again. My other brother and mother do too, but I can’t tell them about this shit cause that’d make living here even worse. Mom is hyper christian, and I’d probably never see the end of her trying to drag me to church and shoving bible verses in my face every time I turn around. That’s the last thing I want. Prayer didn’t help before or during my breakdown, and sure as heck isn’t going to help all of a sudden. My other brother has a lot going on in his life right now. His archaeological career is making steady progress, he’s engaged, and he’s trying to orchestrate savings and wedding and all that. He doesn’t need pointless brother baggage. 

I just don’t know what to seek in life, and I have even less of a clue about what will make me feel fulfilled or like I have a purpose. I know that’s mainly a self-motivation thing, but at the same time, I feel like a lot of successful people have these keystones in their lives that make it easy to feel motivated and get up and go. Love, an ideology, survival instinct, family, kids, material wealth. I used to be driven by lovers and relationships. I’ve got some other malfunction, cause that never goes well either, which has turned me off from seeking one. I used to be Christian, but having had a crisis of faith and found no reprieve in faith, I gave that up. No kids, and none in the foreseeable future given that I don’t have much of a say in that. Not that I’d be a good parent in my current state. And as for material wealth, well, I don’t much care about owning stuff other than video games, so I generally don’t care about buying stuff unless I have to. 

I’ve tried being licentious, and as great as sex feels, I just wind up having a painful feeling in my being whenever the woman walks away from it casually, be she prostitute or online dating app hook-up. Getting drunk feels nice, but I can’t really stand drinking. Smoking’s out of the question, cause even though a nicotine rush feels fantastic, smoking is unbearable for me(childhood asthmatic). Pornography seems more and more boring. I mean, I never get tired of seeing the female form, and lewd acts to go along with it, but when I go to view it now, it’s pretty much open and closed. Drugs don’t appeal to me. Cost too much in both money and quality of life.

I know I’d like to feel love and be loved again, but as time goes on, I feel like the possibility of that slips further and further away from me. Granted, because of my aforementioned behaviors, there are things I probably won’t be willing to tell future partners(hey look, a hint of optimism), because it would probably ruin the relationship. More than that though, who’s gonna go after a depressed shut-in male with no ambition? 

 I have three close friends, and I love them, but I very easily feel that my adoration for them goes one way, that I care more for them than they do for me. Like I could disappear, and they might be sad for a moment, but there are greater friends in their lives already. I don’t think I’ve ever been anybody’s #1, though someone made me feel that way once. I had friends that made me feel that way too, in the past, but time and circumstance saw to ruining that as well.

I’ve never felt so unwanted. That’s a poor way to phrase it, but I can’t think straight right now. I guess this feeling bit into me when I fulfilled a lifelong dream, and traveled to Japan. I went alone, of course, and I had an amazing time. I saw a lot of places in Tokyo, and I went to the Sapporo Snow Festival in Hokkaido. Yet, this nagging feeling always tugged at the edge of my mind, “This would be so much better if I was sharing it with someone I loved.” The feeling was reinforced by poor choices, when I had mind blowing sex with a Japanese call girl, and she took an interest in me, because that’s part of her job, and you know, the longer a sex worker can tick down your time from doing the actual deed, the better they’ll feel later, cause it’s gotta be exhausting going from working all day to boning some strange foreigner at night, but I digress. She was worried that since I was going to rural Hokkaido( I went and spent a week in a traditional ryokan about 40 miles outside of Sapporo), that I might get lost or have too much trouble because of being unable to read or really speak Japanese(hey I knew enough to be polite!). So, she called the ryokan on her own volition and asked for directions and nearby train stations, and for the best routes to get to and from there. She wrote them down for me in kanji/hiragana/katakana with the english translation below them. I called on her again when I came back to Tokyo, and she was actually somewhat elated. I’m a fool, I know, but we talked for 3 hours, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and I even forked out for an extension, just to continue talking to her. At the end of the time, she couldn’t believe that she had been there talking to me for so long, and she was very mortified, or at least acted like it. I called on her again, and that time she was confused. She said she was sure that I’d lodged a complaint with the agency, and that she’d be getting in trouble soon. I doubt she would have actually gotten in much trouble, not that I really know, but I was confident that I was being suckered very hard, but the desperation of my loneliness told me that this cost was worth it. After our final time together, I openly wept, after she had left. Because I knew since it had come to this, I was a wreck. And I’m still a wreck, and I’m just not sure how I’m gonna salvage myself. My wreck.

[wellesleyunderground]

Four Weddings and a Funeral reviewed by Lakshmi Gandhi (@LakshmiGandhi) & Asha Sundararaman ‘04 (@mixedtck)

This review first appeared on Lakshmi and Asha’s weekly newsletter - sign up here!

We love a good rom com and screenwriter Richard Curtis's 1994 "Four Weddings and a Funeral" has always been a favorite of the genre. (Who could forget Hugh Grant at his most bumbly and floppy-haired as he courts the elusive Andie McDowell?)

That was one of the reasons we were both surprised and intrigued when it was announced that Mindy Kaling would be making a Hulu series based on the classic film. This is also one of the reasons it pains us so much to reveal that the resulting series is NOT GOOD. In fact, it's pretty actively bad and is strange and painful to watch.

Fortunately, we watched (most of!) the available episodes so that you, dear readers, don't have to.

(Editor's note: As usual, we're going to spoil everything, but we can't imagine anyone voluntarily spending their time with these characters, so it's ok!)

Lakshmi: Asha, I hadn't read anything about this series going in for once, so while I knew the reviews were iffy I simply wasn't prepared for the extent of the badness. All of the scripts felt like first drafts? None of the romantic relationships made sense?! The New York Times review was brutal:

The show, which has almost nothing in common with the film except for a London setting, comes from the creators Mindy Kaling and Matt Warburton, but without any of the clever sparks they brought to “The Mindy Project.” Though it is set in England, the four main characters are American. They are allegedly best friends, but no one has anything in common nor do any of them have any chemistry, platonic or romantic. The inevitable couple seems like a bad match, and no two characters seem like they’re on the same show. Do not go to the chapel; do not get married.

Asha: I hadn't read much about it either. (Also, full disclosure, I actually haven't watched the original movie.)

Lakshmi: What?! We need to get that fixed immediately. But (as you’ve probably guessed) the basic premise is that Hugh Grant goes to four weddings and a funeral (of course) and all of the characters grow and change as a result of those five events.

Asha: Right, makes sense. (Also, I promise that I will watch the original film soon.)

Lakshmi: But in addition to the original being super white and super upper crust English (which is different from this adaptation in perhaps a bad way) the film had a lot of depth. This series has all American main characters and is just strange because so many aspects are nonsensical.

First, what are the odds that all of your good friends from your college experience in the US will land cushy jobs in London?!

Asha: Right?! I went to grad school in London, so I kept wondering how all of them had work visas! Banking, I could see, but starting a design business? Working as a teacher? None of it makes sense!

Lakshmi: And none of them even have English parents or seemed to go to grad school there (two other routes to getting visas). Also, since none of them are actually married when the series begins, they don’t qualify for spousal visas either.

Asha: Exactly.

Lakshmi: So there was a definite "what about Brexit? How did any of you get visas?" feeling throughout my viewing experience.

Asha: Mine too, especially having lived there.

Lakshmi: Yes! And you can definitely speak more one this (I've never lived in the United Kingdom) but my impression has always been that it is REALLY hard to get a UK work visa. And Brexit of course makes it clear that the political climate is not friendly to non-UK born people or immigrants of any kind.

Asha: it's definitely not easy. I know people who've done it post-grad school, mostly working for multinational corporations. But moving to London after college on a whim? Nah.

Lakshmi: Right. The only people I know who moved to London on a whim did so without documentation (meaning they worked off the books in restaurants while they had their quarter life crisis or whatever).

So Brandon Mychal Smith's character's job is the only one that sounds legit (he works for a giant financial institution.)

Plus,  these people would never be friends in real life. Additionally, no one is likeable and no one has anything in common. There is no thread that unites them at all (and the same goes for all of their partners)

But let's back up a little and talk about the plot.

The pilot episode starts with Maya (Nathalie Emmanuel from ‘Game of Thrones’) arriving in Heathrow for one of the weddings in the show's title. Her bag goes missing and she throws a fit (she's extremely unlikeable in those scenes!) and an airline manager, the middle aged British Pakistani Haroon Khan (who is played by the Indian actor Harish Patel) asks his son Kash to help her.

That is the big meet cute of the first episode. The twist of course is that Maya soon discovers that Kash is engaged to her friend Ainsley and in fact their wedding is the one Maya flew to London to attend. I have no idea what Kash and Ainsley saw in each other and the subsequent scenes never give us any clues either!

Asha: Well, to be fair, I think that was the point. They liked the facade of each other, rather than who they actually were.

Lakshmi: But they never talked about anything? Ainsley is definitely part of the one percent (her parents fund her entire business AND rent a London townhouse for her.) Kash lives with his widower father and little brother in a working class neighborhood.

Plus they were going to have a Church of England wedding and no one talks about how they are of different faiths (the dad mentions it as an aside only after things go south). And the dad makes a joke about not drinking alcohol yet Ainsley gifts Kash with whiskey glasses (I get that Kash obviously drinks alcohol, but it's still strange that they ever made a "oh we're not supposed to be doing this" joke or anything.

Asha: Well, it is pointed out in episode 2 that the whiskey glasses were a bad gift...

Lakshmi: But not because of the religious tradition thing! But because of because of the impersonal nature of whiskey glasses as a gift.

And it's strange (especially in England of all places) to have a relationship like that and never talk about money or standing or whatnot.  It was one of the many reasons I wished this show had been transported to New York or Boston or LA or somewhere else in the United States.

Asha: But once again, that was kind of the point, they didn't talk about anything!

Lakshmi: So why were they getting married in the first place? And all of the couples had the same problem! They were all terrible communicators.

Asha: Yes, that's true.

Lakshmi: Why were Zara and Craig together?

Asha: I have no idea.

Lakshmi: Craig was the Brandon Mychal Smith character who worked at the huge bank. Zara herself spent a lot of her time exotifying him too.

I also need to point out (and this continues Mindy's terrible record with regard to writing Black characters)  all of Craig’s storylines were AWFUL and I feel comfortable calling them othering and borderline racist.

For example, there is a joke in which Craig says six girls asked him to prom and the punchline is that "one of them was my Spanish teacher." (And readers know me well enough by now to know that was a huge cringe and a big no for me.)

And then! He gets a message out of the blue from a girl he hooked up with six years ago and it turns out.. dun dun dun... he has a secret baby! Gross and also... why didn't they give one of their upper crust white British male characters that storyline? Choosing to give your only Black character a secret baby is a weird decision! It just seemed unnecessary and his partner was so disconnected from him and the realities of his life.

Basically, I cannot believe that money and class weren't more of an issue in all of these relationships with British people. Mindy must have read Austen at some point? (or any other British novel, hahaha)

Asha: One would think! But they actually do bring up class issues a bit in episode three with their British friend Gemma. She's "new money" which means she ends up being the butt of the joke in her British social circles.

Lakshmi: Yes, that was interesting! But by episode three the series had been so frustrating to me that I couldn't appreciate the good parts as much as I should have. For example, episode one was BAD but episode two was JUST MEDIOCRE and episode three was JUST OK but the badness of the pilot made my tolerance for the rest go down a bunch.

Asha: I want to say that the show does have some good parts! I enjoyed the relationship between Kash and his family.

Lakshmi: Yes, I loved that as well. The dad was a well written character. And they watch a British game show that is a lot like Jeopardy! every night, which felt like something most South Asian families would do Plus there were little asides where they did talk about religion and those also felt real.

Asha: I actually feel like the dynamic between Kash, Kash's dad and his brother was the best part of the show. All three were the standout characters of the series.

Lakshmi: I wish they had made Kash the central character, rather than Maya.

Asha: Agreed.

Lakshmi: And the child who played the little brother Asif was also very good.

Asha: Definitely

Lakshmi: I liked this thread by the author Rachel Hawkins on the show:

Nathalie Emmanuel deserves better than Four Weddings and a Funeral, OOF. I ADORE Mindy Kaling, but this is so bad I kind of can't believe it exists.

Asha: The entire show was just so underwritten.

Lakshmi: And I know I keep sounding like a broken record but we never really see why these characters are friends.

Asha: Well, they might be that group of college friends who are best friends because they were best friends in college and would have grown apart if it weren't for the fact that they all moved abroad

Lakshmi: Perhaps... but usually those tight bonds don't last even if you do end up being in the same place. I mean, why live in England (or set your show in England) if the characters hang out with and act like Americans all day.

Asha: Hahaha, that was the one realistic thing to me actually

Lakshmi: I don’t know...this would have been a great show to set in Boston or another upper crust New England town. I show featuring characters that went to boarding school and their working class New England friends would have been so good. (and that concept hasn't been explored in a modern day show in a while.) Plus, Mindy is from Massachusetts! She missed the boat there!

Asha: Well...she did go to private school, and to Dartmouth....

Lakshmi: So it's her world! She should have done it!

Asha: Her world was minus the working class New Englanders!

Lakshmi: She could have gotten other writers for those scenes. I feel like a lot of the parts that especially annoyed us would have been eliminated had this been an American show..

Asha: That's probably true.

Lakshmi: You've seen “Love Actually,” right?

Asha: Yes.

Lakshmi:  So a lot of the scenes here were like “Love Actually” fanfiction (another thing reviewers pointed out.) There's a novelist who flirts with a woman who speaks English as a second language. There's a weird choir that pops up during one of the weddings.

Those scenes with the French teacher did illustrate how fragile male writers are!

Asha: Hahahahaha

Lakshmi: Seriously though! Anyway, the character Duffy gives her a draft of his novel to read. It's a 1200 page book (and everyone knows about my strong belief that nothing needs to be above 350 pages!) and he asks her for honest feedback.

But when he receives honest feedback he goes nuts and acts like a baby (which is totally unsurprising.) He’s even so upset that he asks her to leave his home.

Asha: he does make amends later on, once he realizes that none of his friends who praised his book had actually read it.

For the record, her feedback was that there were 20 pages of that 1200 that were great! Plus, those pages she liked were at the end, so he should be appreciative that she engaged with the work! His was so gross and so thin-skinned.

Asha: it really means that you're too attached to your work and that you see it as a reflection of who you are as a person. It also means you're not ready to be a professional writer.

Lakshmi: I strongly feel that the way people respond to edits reflects who they are as a person. This has nothing to do with the show at all really, but I maintain there is one way to know everything you need to know about a person, and that’s by FACT CHECKING THEIR WORK.

The person who blows up when you ask "oh,where did you get that stat from?” is insecure in all aspects of their life. Also, "Remember to spell check" is never a personal attack, but you'd be surprised at how many people act as if it is! So I think that's why I had such a personal reaction to that scene (and kept wondering at why Mindy and the other writer put it in.)

Asha: Hmm...I don't agree that it reflects who they are as a person. But i do think it means they're probably insecure, ha.

Lakshmi: So you do agree it reflects SOME aspects of their personality. I don’t know, as a fact checker, I just want to make sure we're accurate and don’t get sued! But I'm kind of used to people blowing up when I ask questions like "can you send me the link to this study?" (which should be a neutral question but rarely is).

ANYWAY, another annoying thing was how Maya randomly decides to stay in England after going through her own breakup and then starts interviewing with Members of Parliament essentially right away. Again, my brain went to the place of "what about Brexit?!”

Asha: Same.

Lakshmi: Even the most liberal Labour Party member probably doesn't want to deal with the optics of hiring an American on a whim? There are people in England who would kill for those jobs...

But it was interesting to see Maya process the aftermath of her affair. She had been working for a New York Senator and had an affair with him. She then realizes that she never knows why these other politicians are granting her interviews. Are they hoping for an affair as well?

(Maya is VERY talented but she feels like people are overlooking her skills because of her personal life.) I actually thought those scenes were some of the most realistic of the series.

Asha: Well, other than the fact that she was an American interviewing for British political positions, which as we’ve noted wasn’t at all realistic.

Lakshmi: Of course. But that internal conflict was very real.

Lakshmi: OK, we went well over our usual time! (We always have strong feelings about Mindy's work!) My final thought was that I just couldn’t believe this novelist dude thought his friends had read his work.

I feel like writers would be a lot happier if they realized their nearest and dearest probably aren't going to read their stuff (and oftentimes won't even buy their stuff!) and that sometimes that is all for the best.

Asha: Agreed.

Lakshmi: Also if you ask for honest critique and then blow up when you receive it 1) you aren't a good person 2) you shouldn't write publicly, because Goodreads reviewers aren't going to be as kind as a woman invited to your house as a guest. (She was really sweet about delivering the feedback; everyone should be that kind and deliberate when giving honest reactions.)

[itsthegirlwiththeblondecurl-blog]

Good Morning Queen Anne’s

This year I am living in Queen Anne’s (QA for short) which is conveniently located next to the Health Center across Washington Avenue. It is a cute, quaint dorm filled with great people and someone who walks in (almost) every Saturday morning and screams “GOOD MORNING QUEEN ANNE’S” at the top of his lungs; thanks for the title inspiration whoever you are. 

There is no grand story about me ending up in QA. I simply filled out the survey online, then got an update about my room placement a few weeks later, and that was that. The same thing sort of applies for how I meant my roommate, Peri. It was late June, early July and the deadline for housing applications along with roommate requests was looming in. Because I am me and have an extensional crisis every ten minutes as well as overthink everything, I though everyone I knew who was going to college in the fall had found a roommate. I felt a lot of pressure to find a roommate rather than go random. I tried the Facebook thing, Roomsurf, and all the other things you should do to find a roommate but I never found myself successful.

I had almost given up and decided to go random when late one night, I took one more scroll through the Washington College Class of 2022 Facebook page. I stumbled upon Peri’s profile. She seemed pretty cool and we did not live far from each other. The only possible obstacle was that she had been recruited to play soccer from Washington College. However, I gave it a shot and reached out to her! I’m glad I did because we immediately hit it off! 

Our most common interest is that we both love food and I’d probably go so far to say that we have the best and biggest food stash in Queen Anne’s. You can always guarantee that there’s at least one pint of ice cream stored in our fridge! Our ACME runs are the best because we go in there with a plan but end up deviating from it and buying a whole bunch of snacks that we probably don’t need. 

The dorm room itself looks really nice, if I may say so. I’m proud of the way it turned out! Peri and I coordinated on bedspreads- they’re a marble gray, simple yet pretty! We lofted our beds to make the room more spacious and it’s working out well. I crafted my desk into a calm study space with a wall calendar in the back, pictures of my family and friends on the sides, and books lined up using my cannon as a makeshift book end. My parents got me a wall sign for my high school graduation, that hangs above my snack drawer. Besides the vanilla smell, it’s the next thing people notice when they walk in. It’s quite the moving sign (scroll down for a pic and what it says!). Then, on my bed I have the fuzziest blue blanket, a pillow that says girl boss, a retro Winnie the Pooh, and another decorative blue pillow. I’m pretty comfy when I sleep at night :) You’ve probably had enough of my descriptions so here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure...

My bed and desk space featuring my old computer that decided to break the night before classes started (rip 2015-2018)

A side view of my room (peep the essential oil diffuser) with the infamous wall sign. It reads: “Darling, Here's a short list of everything in this world I want for you – First off, you'll need  a brave heart and a whole lot of love. BIG LOVE. So much of it that you can't contain it all so you can give it away for free. I wish you blessings too many to count. And sunbeams and moonbeams and daydreams and sweet dreams. You'll need new beginnings & love stories to tell. A light inside you no one can turn off. Eyes full of wonder and a little spark of madness. And gorgeous sleep. Lovely thoughts pouring out of your head and a little fire in your belly. A sparkle in your eye, a pep in your step, and a curious mind to top it off. And you must remember to keep that beautiful imagination and exquisite humor always. You'll need a few guardian angels and a soft place to fall. I hope you'll have simple pleasures, extraordinary possibilities, and a few miracles along the way. There will be astonishing beauty on your journey. I pray that you will fall in love with the mountains and oceans and rivers and trees and all creatures great and small. Because once you fall in love with them you will vow to protect them. And I hope you become everything you truly are. May you be surrounded by peacemakers, dream makers, builders, healers, and lovely people who lift you up. Stay faithful to your purpose and forever beholden to your dreams. Be a pioneer in this world and chart your course to search for the good and the beautiful, always facing your True North. Say thank you a lot and keep happy. And keep so busy loving life that you have no time for nonsense. Please trust that life is always on your side – happening for you, not to you. Just keep looking for the blessings in everything. Remember you are always a student of life so pay close attention. You will only get so many trips around the sun – use your time wisely. Be true and kind. That's all you'll ever need to be. I wish you the courage to be a messenger of love in this beautiful, crazy, magical world. And I hope every minute you know you are crazy wonderful and loved endlessly and beyond measure. May love and light guide your way. Yours forever & always." Emotional, right? 

My lovely desk study space with the Leslie Knope approved wall calendar hiding in the back!