#and it must not look too awful bc the only negative thing the other sisters could say was that the proportions were weird in comparison to

[opens-up-4-nobody]

@iguanodonwildman I think at one point you requested merthur on an apple orchard date. This is sorta more some merlin and some apples so idk lol

[kitsoa]

Dark Road Impressions and theories

I’m actually really excited for the World Building lore. That and the characterization. So! Let’s start from the beginning. 

Opening Scene:

This is pretty straight forward but knowing Xehanort is a ‘Destinate’ is still the coolest thing. He’s lived his life on the same sleepy island going to the same school and playing on the same island as Sora. He ‘lays like a starfish’ and dreams of something greater. That simile is minor but it’s indicative of his islander nature. Another small thing I focus in on is the mention of other surrounding islands. We know the name is plural and we know there’s a ‘main island’ but the one-off line does suggest that there’s some kind of island ecosystem which is comforting for anyone trying to develop a Destiny Islands culture. I would be crazy not to mention the inciting drive of Xehanort’s curiosity. His dreams of the Player and the desire to see his ‘friends from another life’. Well by golly that sounds a lot like reincarnation to me. That’s a very new concept to Kingdom Hearts, but not entirely far off. 

We await the fate of our Player in KHux but we can easily assume it’s an unfortunate one. But what would make the heart linger and the thought of reincarnation really does open a can of worms in terms of heart mythos. Though, it would fit rather well. Consider the Final World and the lingering, persisting hearts that land there after death. I’ve theorize that they are bound to the Final World by the hearts left behind as a sort of heart-ghost phenomenon. And then we ask what happens when hearts actually do pass on past that limbo. Hearts are a powerful thing with a lot of meaning. The idea of death concurring the heart is almost laughable, so a form of heart reincarnation would make perfect sense. Perhaps they pass on to form the ‘spark’ that a newborn heart blooms from-- since we know hearts are grown. And memories are deeply inlaid in the construction of a heart so Xehanort being haunted by these memories is very fitting. 

Scala Scenes:

So I’m guessing Xehanort lied to everyone about knowing where he came from. They simply know he is from the outside world but the fact that Eraqus floats the idea that he’s from the surrounding city to a negative means that Xehanort never confirmed or denied the theories about him. We know he’s not amnesiac bc the opening scene is a flashback. So he’s playing dumb-- why?-- probably out of curiosity after initial befuddlement. It plays into this very interesting dichotomy he’s got going on.  Think, he’s lived his life on this small world, afraid that his dreams were nothing more than that. Xehanort was hungry for something more and suddenly his prayers are answered. When he arrives at Scala-- it turns out that all of his peers are essentially the same as him. All they know is Scala. He’s the mysterious one. He’s their waypoint to a greater reality. It must be a thrilling scenario. It’s got to be fascinating, leaving little room for his own sense of awe. I might be compelled to leave my peers mystified once I gained my bearings.  That being said, a couple world building points. The surrounding spires of Scala are abandoned cities. That... is a very strange and questionable thing. It’s clearly important to the history of the world so we have to ask... why?? I’ve thought in the past that maybe they were different parallel versions of Scala but that started to hurt my brain to think of this world as a singularity but perhaps... they are ‘failed cities’? Like erected and abandoned after not working out. Ohh... what if Scala is a singularity. What if, when Brain created Scala as a final escape from the Data Worlds (and Keyblade War), there was only one scenario where he actually succeeded in carrying the Dandelions with him. What if those other cities really are different timeline’s Scala’s left abandon by the failure of those timeline’s Brain. Ohhh it worksssssssssss

Classroom Scene:

Ok when I heard there was a ‘Baldr’ I immediately though ‘oh dear Nomura grace me with that sweet sweet character design. And then story goes There are seven upperclassmen! And then I’m like GIVE ME COOL CHARACTERSSSS Okay but in all serious, I am pleased to hear that there are some grade levels in this here school. I am curious as to why the upperclassmen went missing and even more curious about the mission that Baldr was sent on. The parallels with the stray apprentice are not lost to me, but the explanation of Baldr’s sister being missing is very heart tugging for me. Ever since Lauriam became the first sibling in the KH series, I’ve been fascinated by there being blood relatives in the KH verse, only because lineage and relation has never been relevant before. You all know that familial bonds is a well of untapped potential and I can sense it coming.  It’s a rescue plot, which is very interesting. Yes, I wonder why a master would send younger students to go after the older ones but I’m gonna guess that Master’s are strapped. I am also encouraged that they make a distinction that they are in teams vs. going solo. Ehhh we’ll see. I like that they address there being multiple ways of travel and it looks like they are using the Lanes Between. With Keyblade Armorrrrrr. God, this stuff is cool. Everyone’s designs are bitchin and it is interesting that the No Heart design still has the Nobody insignia. Now....Release the keyblade vehicle designs Nomura. 

First World Visit:

Okay, this is where things get interesting. They address the conundrum of the Heartless. THANK YOU. But they address it as a mystery. Clearly the Emblem Heartless are like the projections from the BoP which is common knowledge, so we might be learning about that copy floating around. That’s our key to the mystery.  But let’s talk about world maturity!!!!!!! That’s what I’m gonna call it, cause it makes a ton of sense. Like really. I’m cackling. Because isn’t it contrived??? Worlds have this sort of newborn state where the set is there but the people aren’t? We know time moves differently but sometimes the clock doesn’t even start until a predetermined moment??? Time isn’t even flowing for the Disney Worlds until... you guessed it! Until Sora and co-visit or brush with it. Which means only ONE thing. They aren’t worlds at all. If they were Worlds, they’d be living out their backstory in some fashion relative to Xehanort, maybe not at the same pace but still to some degree. No, they exist and are frozen until it’s time for the Disney movie to start. The World isn’t a World. It’s a Story. A set narrative.  You know I talk about this is my Heart of Stories theory. Cause now we have to ask about the original worlds and what story they are playing. How equal they are to their Disney World Peers. Because they too are stories, which means the entire universe is just a story and Kingdom Hearts is literally the heart of that story. Enter the metaverse.---I’m breathing heavy. Keep the Dark Road content coming. 

[rcnxed]

ok   we’re   not   gonna   talk   abt   the   fact   that   this   intro   is   coming   years   after   it   was   promised   AFSGDGFH   i   literally   stopped   doing   outfits   jus   to   finish   this   bc   i   NEED   one   chara   w   a   pretty   dress     !      if   u   wanna   plot   w   her   pls   hmu   here   or   if   u   prefer   my   discord   is   @* 𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐜𝐚𝐝𝒉𝒐𝒆 .#1696      !

&&.      (      𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐞́𝐞   𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞   𝐝𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐱      )      is      (      𝟐𝟕      )      years   old   and   works   as   a      (      𝐬𝐭𝐲𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭      )   .   she   is   often   confused   with      (      𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲   𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐨      )   .   some   say   that   she   is      (      𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬      &      𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜      )   ,   but   she   is   actually      (      𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐨𝐬𝐞      &      𝐮𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐱      )   .

triggers   :   death   .

*      𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔      .

𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥   𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞   :      renée      (      reborn      )      antoinette      (      beyond   praise      )      devereaux      (      riverbank      )   .

𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞(𝐬)   :     rennie   ,   ren   ,   nae   -   nae   .

𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭   𝐚𝐠𝐞   :      twenty   -   seven   .

𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲   :      january   23rd   .

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫   :      female   .

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐬   :      she   /   her   .

𝐳𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐜𝐬   :      aquarius      (      sun      )      ,   pisces      (      moon      )      ,   aquarius      (      rising      )   .

𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲   :      raoul      (      father   ,   58      )      ,   celeste      (      birth   mother   ,   58      )      ,   eleanore      (      step   -   mother   ,   56      )      ,   chréstien      (      brother   ,   37      )      ,   léa      (      sister   ,   25      )      ,   belle      (      daughter   ,   idk   yet      )   .

𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐬   :      a   piglet   named   dorota   .

𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦   :      emily   didonato      (   x   )   .

𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲   :      caucasian   .

𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲   :      french   .

𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭   :      5’10   .

𝐰𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭   :      63kg   .

𝐡𝐚𝐢𝐫   :      brown      &      wavy   .

𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬   :     blue   .

*      𝒂𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔      .

           excellent   eyeliner   ,   fairy   lights   ,   midnight   conversations   ,   the   world   is   riddled   with   symbols   ,   chiffon   robes   ,   the   sun   rising   ,   intricate   designs   ,   seeing   beauty   in   all   things   ,   the   constellations   of   a   cloudless   night   ,   pale   skin   ,   dark   shades   of   lipstick   ,   dancing   around   in   silk   dresses   ,   strange   conversations   ,   nutmeg      &      fuzzy   blankets   ,   the   eerie   vastness   of   suburbia   after   midnight   ,   believing   in   the   power   of   transformation   ,   iced   almond   milk   lattes   ,   marble   temples   ,   electric   blue   ,   stargazing   ,   sharing   stories   under   an   evening   sky   ,   the   crackle   of   the   fire      &      the   woosh   of   the   ocean   ,   freshly   painted   nails   .

*      𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒕      .

           𝐢   :      𝒊   𝒂𝒎   𝒘𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒓      ⤿      she   glided   through   her   childhood   as   effortless   as   a   falcon   .   fortunate   enough   to   be   the   daughter   of   a   duke   ,   renée   had   a   life   that   provided   her   with   everything   that   she   could   ever   ask   for      &      in   turn   ,   she   never   asked   for   much   .   blessed   enough   to   have   a   father   who   was   loving      &      brave   ,   she   had   the   misfortune   of   bearing   the   features   of   a   mother   who   abandoned   her   family   for   her   secret   lover   short   weeks   after   her   little   sister   was   born   .   she   doesn’t   remember   much   of   the   woman   who   used   to   call   herself   her   parent   ,   but   from   what   she   does   remember   ,   she’s   glad   she   forgot   .

           𝐢𝐢   :      𝒔𝒐𝒇𝒕   𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉      ⤿      she   was   raised   to   be   as   polite      &      respectful   ,   as   she   would   expect   to   be   treated   .   by   the   time   her   father   had   remarried   to   a   woman   who   had   taken   renée      &      her   two   siblings   in   as   if   they   were   her   own   ,   she   had   learned   to   accept   people   as   they   appeared   ,      &      this   woman   exuded   motherly   love   .   growing   up   her   mind   was   curious      &      creative      ;      her   thoughts   on   the   stars      &      her   imagination   thinking   up   fictional   realities   that   ,   as   she   grew   older   were   a   result   of   her   real   mother   abandoning   her   at   the   mere   age   of   two   .   but   throughout   all   of   that   ,   she   never   lost   her   spirit      ;      or   her   belief   in   them   .

           𝐢𝐢𝐢   :      𝒕𝒐   𝒐𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓   𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆      ⤿      not   being   tethered   to   the   promise   of   a   duchy   ,   she   pursued   her   own   path      &      began   a   life   that   was   her   own   .   she   dabbled   in   the   arts   ,   taking   up   dancing   but   soon   becoming   bored      &      moving   on   to   the   next   thing   .   she   attempted   modelling   ,   her   love   for   fashion   taking   over   her   love   for   rhythm      &      although   it   was   better   fitting   ,   she   found   herself   not   suiting   the   life   that   came   with   it   .   she   searched   the   stars   for   answer   ,   but   no   amount   of   constellations   nor   the   education   she   endured   during   her   young   adult   life   prepared   her   for   what   she   wanted   to   do   .   as   it   happened   ,   she   did   not   know   .

           𝐢𝐯   :      𝒕𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉   𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉      ⤿      floating   between   the   life   she   wanted   to   create   for   herself      &      the   life   that   she   had   left   behind   in   france   is   when   she   met   alphonse   du   poitiers   .   her   father’s   trust   issues      &      her   mother’s   wariness   of   human   affection   in   general   made   it   feel   like   having   the   sort   of   relationship   that   would   later   result   in   a   marriage   was   impossible   for   her   ,   but   it   happened   .   she   found   herself   comfortable   in   his   world      &      forgot   about   where   she   wanted   to   fit   for   a   while   ,   but   she   didn’t   exactly   mind   .   if   anything   ,   she   was   happy   with   her   new   life      &      her   new   husband   .

           𝐯   :      𝒕𝒐   𝒅𝒓𝒐𝒘𝒏   𝒊𝒕   𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒚      ⤿      but   all   things   must   come   to   an   end      &      for   her   ,   things   came   to   an   end   much   too   soon   .   alphonse’s   tragic   death   created   more   grief      &      imbalance   in   her   life   that   ,   at   eight   months   pregnant   ,   she   went   into   labour   four   weeks   earlier   than   expected   .   the   distress   the   baby   was   under   due   to   renée’s   upset   meant   there   were   complications   ,      &      after   an   emergency   cesarean      &      an   awful   lot   of   time   spent   in   recover   ,   she   was   finally   allowed   home   with   her   beautiful   baby   girl   ,   but   life   would   never   be   the   same   for   her   .

*      𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒕      .

            *      𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅   𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍   𝒐𝒇   𝒅𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒎𝒔      &      𝒅𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒔      ⤿      after   the   worst   part   of   her   grief   was   over   ,   renée   knew   that   she   had   to   move   on   ,   not   only   for   herself   but   for   her   daughter   .   after   some   careful   consideration   ,   she   changed   her   married   name   back   to   her   maiden   name      &      is   now   in   thailand   as   she   knows   it   will   be   the   safest   place   for   her   daughter   .   add   that   to   the   fact   that   she   found   herself   a   position   as   a   royal’s      (      𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃   𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍      !      )      stylist   ,   she’s   quite   settled   .   she   still   misses   alphonse      &      is   adjusting   to   her   life   as   a   widow   ,   but   she’s   getting   there      &      is   taking   each   day   at   a   time   .

*      𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚      .

           𝐢   :      𝒂𝒎𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏      ⤿      with   a   strive   to   succeed   ,   renée   has   the   sort   of   mindset   that   gives   her   a   stubborn   determination   to   achieve   whatever   she   wants   in   life   .   when   she   wants   to   do   or   be   something   ,   she   has   a   strong   desire   to   acquire   whatever   that   is   in   whichever   way   possible   .   she’s   not   afraid   to   step   on   other’s   toes   to   get   ahead   in   life   ,   but   she   has   a   steadfast   moral   code   which   means   that   she   will   do   so   only   at   times   where   it   is   absolutely   necessary   .

            𝐢𝐢   :      𝒅𝒆𝒅𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏      ⤿      promises   are   things   that   shouldn’t   be   taken   for   granted   ,      &      renée   is   a   keeper   of   them   .   no   matter   what   ,   she   will   do   whatever   she   can   to   live   up   to   her   cause      &      dedicates   herself   wholeheartedly   to   whatever   promises   she’s   made   or   commitments   she’s   tied   to   .   she’s   a   huge   believer   that   carrying   something   through   is   important   ,      &      is   very   reliant   on   people   doing   the   same   for   her   .   not   only   that   ,   but   she’s   extremely   dedicated   to   her   family      &      that’s   something   she   boats   proudly   .

           𝐢𝐢𝐢   :      𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏      ⤿      she   sees   things   in   a   different   way   to   others   ,   so   her   imagination   takes   her   to   places   where   other’s   normally   wouldn’t   go   .   she   loves   being   creative   with   whatever   task   she’s   set      &      isn’t   afraid   to   push   the   boat   out      &      do   the   unexpected   ,   which   is   one   trait   she’s   carried   with   her   since   she’s   was   very   young   .   renée   is   a   very   active   thinker   who   doesn’t   think   that   believing   is   seeing   ,   which   often   creates   a   naive   outlook   she’s   yet   to   overcome   .

            𝐢𝐯   :      𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒚      ⤿      renée   is   the   sort   of   person   who   will   act   on   her   emotions      &      allows   them   to   guide   her   .   she   is   incredibly   open   about   what   she   believes   in      &      won’t   hide   her   thoughts   or   adjust   her   feelings   to   be   appropriate   for   someone   else   .   she’s   very   individualistic   ,      &      believes   that   being   open      &      honest   about   your   beliefs      &      desires   is   what   will   get   you   far   .   it’s   worked   well   enough   for   her   so   far   in   life   ,   so   she   hasn’t   changed   this   view   even   if   some   won’t   agree   it’s   the   best   approach   .

           𝐯   :      𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆      ⤿      despite   her   desire   to   be   the   best   she   can   be   ,   renée   can   often   be   quite   hesitant   when   making   decisions   ,   especially   when   it   comes   to   her   career   .   although   her   mind   is   constantly   buzzing   with   ideas   ,   she   quite   often   doubts   herself   so   she   needs   a   bit   of   time   to   prepare   for   an   event   in   order   to   choose   a   look   she’s   happy   with   .   she’s   absolutely   her   worst   critic      &       never   makes   a   final   decision   until   the   product   is   well   received   enough   that   she   knows   she   can   settle   for   it   .

           𝐯𝐢   :      𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒆𝒄𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒚      ⤿      she   doesn’t   let   it   show   that   much   ,   but   beneath   her   overly   confident   air   ,   renée   has   some   deep   rooted   insecurity      &      trust   issues   that   stem   from   wondering   why   her   mother   abandoned   her   family   at   such   a   young   age   .   it   makes   her   a   little   distrustful   ,   not   very   easily   letting   people   in      &      getting   so   close   as   for   them   to   know   everything   about   her   .   she   often   feels   like   whatever   she   does   won’t   be   enough   ,   but   she’s   fighting   her   hardest   to   overcome   this   due   to   the   way   it   makes   her   feel   .

            𝐯𝐢𝐢   :      𝒏𝒂𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒕𝒚      ⤿      an   adult      ?      yes   .   realistic      ?      absolutely   not   .   renée   lives   under   idealisms   more   than   she   does   realities       &      quite   often   ends   up   feeling   disappointed   when   things   aren’t   quite   as   she   expected   .   although   she   knows   sometimes   her   ideas   can   be   a   little   too   fanciful   to   even   be   a   possibility   in   real   life   ,   it’s   an   escapism   that   allows   her   to   be   more   creative   .   that   doesn’t   mean   it   doesn’t   come   back   to   haunt   her   ,   though   .   she’s   bad   a   detecting   liars   even   if   her   instincts   tell   her   not   to   trust   them   .

           𝐯𝐢𝐢𝐢   :      𝒗𝒖𝒍𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚      ⤿      renée   feels   emotions   intensely   ,   especially   negative   ones   .   she   is   quite   easily   upset      &      although   she   is   a   huge   feminist   ,   confrontation   isn’t   her   favourite   activity      &      unless   she   has   a   solid   case   ,   she   probably   won’t   pursue   .   she   tends   to   take   a   lot   if   things   personally      &      struggles   with   separating   constructive   criticism       &      people   just   being   cruel   .   she   tries   not   to   let   these   sort   of   emotions   show   ,   but   she’s   generally   very   driven   by   her   emotions      &      it   affects   her   negatively   in   this   way   .

*      𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔      .

honestly   this   past   is   here   bc   i   tried   my   hand   at   being   fancy   in   her   intro   but   had   too   many   headcanons   lmao

but   basically   u   probably   guessed   it   ,   she’s   french   ,   but   does   she   support   the   french   government      ?      DON’T   ask   her

honestly   she’s   surprised   wwiii   hasn’t   started   yet   but   ANYWAY

i needed   to   channel   my   inner   supernatural   geek   somewhere       &      that’s   where   my   girl   comes   in      !

probably   has   a   crush   on   stefan   salvatore   but   don’t   talk   abt   it   to   her   bc   she   will   get   mad   @   the   tvd   ending   like   BITCH   ur   an   ADULT   ur   a   MOTHER   chill   out

but   also   zak   bagans   hit   her   up   whenever   u   get   the   chance

she   has   a   piglet   as   a   pet   bc   she   loves   unconventional   things      &      a   dog   or   a   kitten   is   too   mainstream   for   her

her   personal   style   differs   from   full   on   girly   -    girl   to   chilling   in   slacks   ,   there’s   no   inbetween

rly   is   just   try   to   adjust   to   life   as   a   mother   ,   as   a   widow      &      just   life   in   general   ok   she’s   not   perfect   but   she’s   TRYING

eleanore   is   her   mother   ,   not   celeste   ,   prove   her   otherwise

is   rly   just   here   for   the   all   expenses   paid   for   holiday      &      can   be   found   chilling   by   a   pool   when   she   doesn’t   have   to   work

[ghostmaggie]

hey so in your MKAT post (which you’re 100% correct about) you also mention you’ve had some issues with RT in the past. i’m fairly new in the fandom and also watch his other show iZombie, but i wanted to ask what issues they were?? i like to be informed about the media i consume lmao

Oof okay so I'm on mobile and therefore this will probably be more rant-y and opinion-based than you might be looking for, so I invite anyone with opinions or sources or thoughts or contradictions to reply or shoot me asks and I'll share them (plus I'm curious of other thoughts) but,,

Idk if this was clear in my original post, but my issues are mainly contained within the actual show as opposed to things about him irl, because idk that much outside of secondhand info, so take it with a grain of salt I guess, lol

Also, I feel like I need to say that this is really negative about vmars--which, to be clear, is a show I love dearly--and I know sometimes I like to avoid negative commentary on things I enjoy because it gets stuck in my head and ruins my enjoyment. So if that's you, feel free to skip this! I wont be offended and you shouldn't feel bad about it! It's also just one person's opinion, and I'm most definitely not always right :)

So mostly setting aside the brand new season because I have no clue how to talk around spoilers effectively, in short (with spoilers up through the movie and maybe some spoilers for the books and new season, I cant really tell at this point):

(Editor's note post finishing writing: it's not even all my thoughts, but it's not short. Sorry.)

RT shares in the grand tradition of showrunners I do not care for along with Steven Moffat and Jason Rothenberg, for many parallel reasons. Moffat thinks hes cleverer than he really is, jroth is a douche about romance and character motivation, and both are smug jerks who drove me away from shows I used to love, so.

So number one I guess would just be the sense that he really fucking does not care about the fans. It's especially egregious, as I've seen others point out, when he literally would never have gotten his show back (after driving it to the ground) without the LITERAL MONEY donated by devoted fans. I'm not saying you have to do things just because fans want them, but to go out of your way to do things you know fans will hate just to be contrary is,, yeah.

He thinks he's so very smart, and yet his plots are riddled with holes and inconsistencies (hello, Moffat). It speaks, to me, of a lack of respect for everyone involved--fans, writers, actors, crew, critics, just everyone. Write down a timeline. Something. Try.

One of my bigger issues, though, is that the misogyny in vmars is just...beyond appalling. Not just narratively--i understand representing the flaws in society, I guess, but veronica is honestly one of the most misogynistic parts of the show, and she is never ever ever held accountable for it. Ever. The show never sends the message that she's wrong for the atrocious way she treats, to name a few, Madison, Kendall, Gia, and even Carrie during the s1 plot with Adam Scott. The carrie thing is especially fucked up bc iirc the narrative only condemns her for guessing the victim wrong. (As another note, her treatment of other marginalized groups or basically anyone she ever treats badly--logan, Keith, Wallace, weevil, the list goes on--is rarely or never narratively critiqued. Veronica mars can do no wrong, apparently, even when she's obviously wrong.)

She's far from the only example of misyogny, of course--duncan's s2 dream about madonna/whore meg/veronica comes to mind in screaming color, yet donut is somehow treated like a prince forever and ever and v's lost true love even though he's basically the scum of the earth (pardon, my true feelings are coming out a little here).

Somewhat connected is, of course, the show's treatment of rape in general (hi, season 3), but especially Duncan's rape of veronica. I'm still not over the way they walked it back to "not a rape" and took back holding him accountable. I live for all the fanfiction that addresses it, because at least there people remember that, whether he "thought she could consent" or not, he literally thought she was his sister and didnt know. That's uninformed consent at best, babe!

And if that wasn't bad enough, to "resolve" that plotline and then come back at the end of season 2 to be all, "jk! You WERE raped, by SOMEONE ELSE [too]! Enjoy that reenabled trauma, and some chlamidya to boot!"

Speaking of retconned instances of sex, how about that piz/veronica tape that suddenly became full on sex in the movie? Fun times.

My favorite bout of misogynistic writing, you ask? That would have to be "narratively-enforced nicest girl in school who stands by her friends and is sweet and loyal becomes a raging hell bitch yet also the representation of misogynistic virginal innocence because she was knocked up and abandoned by Mr. Narratively-Claimed-to-be-Perfect-but-Actually-the-Worst and completely undergoes a 180 personality change then dies for plot reasons" because holy fucking shit.

Okay sorry I got way more into that than I meant to. I'll try to wrap up.

RT does a very jroth job of treating fans like shit for giving a shit about a romantic relationship he created. He acts like fans are a bunch of stupid girls for caring about romance, but then pushed it at every level of promo to reel us back in. Make up your mind, asshole. It's desperately unfair to bait fans with romantic promo (even in the form of an inane and ooc love triangle) and then snap back with "oooh it's noir, shut up about the romance!"

If that's how you feel, stop making every other plot point and promo about the fucking romance.

RT seems to want to be making a show that he isnt. He wants to be grimdark and angsty and awful, I guess, and while there have been elements of effective darkness throughout vmars, they have been tempered by the show as a whole. That made it (mostly palatable) for people like me. To flip the script now does a disservice to long term fans and does nothing to attract new viewers. If you want to make a different show, make a different show. Don't drive beloved characters into the ground because you're bitter about how your work is perceived post-death of the author.

To wrap up--he hates character growth. He must really hate it. This is dipping a little into the new season, but he just. Won't let anyone develop. Well. Maybe some people. A very few. But not veronica. Never veronica. Because heaven forbid your main character, the person we've followed for 15 years, be anything other than she was at 16. Her personality, her approach to the world, none of it has changed. Which begs the question: what has been the fucking point?

Sorry this is so long. I'm not sure I even answered your question, so feel free to ask me to try again 😂

[kyunsies]

Mädch darling!!!! 💖💖💖

It's been a minute because I've been having an awful time lately! However!!!!!! I could not sit idly by!!!! So buckle up because I don't know if you're ready for this!!!

First! I love your gifs!!!!! I do!!! They are always so consistently lovely!!! Even if coloring or whatever isn't consistent, the joy I receive from seeing your gifs IS consistent. I'm NEVER annoyed by seeing you post your gifsets. I can always feel the love and joy you put into making them. Especially when you go off in the tags about whoever you happen to be giffing. I love that. I adore seeing you go a little insane about Changkyun (and so does my sister, so that's two, at least).

Secondly! If people are annoyed by your posts or the frequency, that's literally not your fault or your problem in any way, shape or form. It is up to each individual to curate their own experience on Tumblr. It is not your responsibility. Other people's experience on here is not your responsibility. Your blog is Your Space, and you can and will and must do whatever you want with it! Whether your gifs are good (they are) or bad (they aren't), or whether you post too much (not possible) or too little (also not possible), it is not your responsibility or problem if other people are annoyed. I know it can be disheartening if gifs don't get as many notes as you'd hoped, but I want you to know that you at least have one avid fan (actually I can say two fans - my sister also loves seeing your posts).

I hope you know that I LOVE seeing you on my dash. Whether that's gifsets or rb's or text posts or updates or other people's asks (I do read them occasionally), seeing you on my dash always makes me smile, without exception. I do also want to mention I put nearly everything in my queue, so it takes a while for posts to get reblogged sometimes... But! They're there, waiting to be posted.

Anyway!!! I hope your day improves by leaps and bounds today, whether that's by this message or other means (treat yourself? Call a friend? Gif some more?). I really do hope you can continue to do what you love to do without worry! LOL (lots of love) 💖💖💖 dkbtho

hi angel !!!!! i’m sorry i’m getting back to this so late :( i’ve been studying for my second exam of the week tomorrow :’) as always never worry about taking your time replying !!! i’m so sorry to hear you are going through a hard time right now 🥺 everything will end up working it’s way out, okay?

i also want to apologize for …. kinda being a crybaby :/ i’m going to be 100000% honest when i say that even if i were getting 0 notes, i would still be giffing 😭 i love giffing so much and it brings me so much joy . i’m so so proud of the progress i’ve made since the beginning and i’m so grateful for all of my friends who have helped me along the way …. i don’t want to sound like i’m ungrateful or complaining because i understand how annoying that must come across to everyone :( recently i just feel like my content is bothersome ?? idk if that’s the right word but even tho i make gifs because it makes me happy, i also want that happiness to be shared with others too and i just feel like maybe that’s not the case :( tumblr has brought me many great (and honestly some of my worst) online experiences ever and i wouldn’t trade it for a thing . but when you’ve been doing this for a while now, sometimes note count gets in your head and i’ll be the first one to admit it 😭 i try not to think so selfishly about stuff like that because again at the end of the day i absolutely love it, but i think it’s a common thing all content creators feel at some point in their time here …. at least i think?? i hope i’m not the only one …. and it’s hard to talk about that stuff in here bc sometimes ppl take it as “you only care about notes so if you’re unhappy stop doing it” so i try to be as positive as possible, you know?

i can’t help but sometimes think this way, you know? idk i just work really really hard and i want others to hopefully see and share the love that i have in making content ,,,,,,, but again, i also want to thank you so much for even coming here and saying this to me bub 💖 you have a lot going on and you totally didn’t have to take time out of your day to be super supportive, but you did and your kindness is really touching me 🥺 i never want to come across as negative to anyone but some days you are just more down on yourself than others, right? but regardless, thank you for your supportive and sweet words, they really made my heart swell earlier today 🥺 even if tumblr is in shambles (more than it is lol) this gal will still be giffing even if it kills me nsnndnndjd so , just thank you and i love you loads and i hope things will start to look better for you angel !!! have a nice night 💕💓💖💗💘💞💕💓💖💗💘💞💕💓💖💗💘💞

[occupyvenus]

"Why are sansa ships so hated upon" lmao which one? Sansan? Where a 13 years old girl is paired with a 30+ man? Jonsa, where she is paired with her cousin/sibiling who she neglected her whole life and only cares about him bc he is what's left of her family? Or Sansa/Littlefinger maybe, when she's paired with a creep, pedophile and an asshole? Geez I wonder why these a+ healthy ships are so hated upon (im not even a jonerys btw, you guys are annoying the same amount)

I suppose you are talking about this? Because I don’t remember ever writing anything about why “Several Sansa ships are so hated upon” … Like, I really don’t. I remember writing the thing linked to above, where I bring up the issue why I think Sansa, like the character, not her ships … you do … you do understand the difference? Do you? Wait, here let me display it as easily as possible: 

Sansa == “the character”Sansa/Whatever == NOT “the character”

Do we have that? Take your time, I don’t want you to strain your brain. Just try to realize what’s the difference between “a character” and “the ships involving that character”. Don’t hurry, this is a very important point, I can only keep going once you get that distinction into your lovely, little head. I’ll wait, don’t worry. 

…

Got it? Good. I’m proud of you. Well done. Here, have a treat. 

What a gooood boooyyyyyyy. 

I did talk about ships in that post as well, but … not about the ones surrounding “Sansa” (you know … “the character” Remember? We already learned what that means?), but the most popular possible canon-pairings for Jon. Who is not Sansa … wait, time for another explanation:

Sansa == SansaSansa == NOT JonJon == NOT SansaJon == JonJon/Whatever == NOT Sansa/Whatever

Okay? One of them has a dick, the other has a vagina and tits. One of them has black hair, the other one red. One of them likes sword fighting and brooding, the other likes stitching and dancing. One of them is of above-average height, the other one is a smoll dwarf king… I honestly don’t know, how you could confuse the two. But okay,  I hope you understand now, so it’s time for another treat:

Look at thaaat!!! A good boy through and through! 

And not even concerning those did I ever talk about why people might dislike one or the other. I talked about my own personal preferences a bit …. okay, just so you understand what that means: 

my own personal preferences == my own personal preferencesmy own personal preferences == NOT why other people might dislike themmy own personal preferences == NOT other people’s personal preferences

We already learned another thingy! I know, it would be time for another treat, but I don’t want to spoil you. I promise to give you one if you power through until the end, okay? I know this is much to take in at once, but I know you can do it. I BELIEVE IN YOU! 

So here we go, the last complicated concept for today: 

If I remember correctly my little thing was called “On why Jonsa of all ships is so bitterly fought about and/or not taken seriously” not “Why Sansa ships are so hated upon”. That’s … not the same. I just proposed the theory that Jonsa is so easily dismissed as a canon possibility because 

a) Sansa is still considered a side character or at best the least important main character by many people and b) she attracts a lot of unwarranted hate (that doesn’t mean you have to stan her, love her or even necessarily like her. But so many people hate her to an unreasonable degree)

I just stated that if you consider all three key ladies to be of equal importance, all three ships are a legit candidate for jon!endgame!romance. You can find foreshadowing and clues for all, which one (if any at all, or all of them, whatever) you do actively get behind depends on your personal preferences (and I’m not going to judge that? Like, why would I?) and other endgame presumptions. (Will Jon live or die, will one of the three Ladies die? Will there still be a Iron Throne or not? If it does, who will sit on it? Etc, etc.) And if you don’t think they are equally important, every discussion about what is “delusional” or “possible” becomes obsolete because you’re not even approaching the whole issue from the same starting point. 

I never talked about why people might “hate” that one ship I actually talked about, except those two things. I totally get people who are a bit grossed out by the “thought-they-were-siblings” factor. I totally get that people dislike the ship for a variety of reasons, or no reason at all. Like, you do you. It’s just that (here comes another hard one, that many people seem to struggle with): 

What will happen == NOT just what you likeWhat is possible == NOT just what you like

I don’t know how you could read that thing (if you even did) and come to the conclusion that I wrote about why people dislike/hate specific Sansa-ships. I hope with all this new fancy information you can go back and think about the things I actually wrote about. But before you do, have another treat, you deserve it (that was a lot information at once. I know.)

What a good boy. Look at him go. Isn’t that yummy? Yes, it is. 

Now before you go take a nap to digest all these delicious treats and to recharge your brain, I have to talk about one last topic. I do prefer positive affirmation, but every now and then one has to resort to a stricter tone, especially when people talk shit about my ship: 

If we guys are that annoying to you, why do you take the time to look at our posts and respond to them? Like, just block us and go on with your life. 

It’s funny that you think 11-year-old-and-younger Sansa was in any position to “neglect” Jon.

It’s also funny how people just assume that Sansa somehow bullied Jon all the time (because I guess that’s what you’re getting at), when there is no canon evidence of her being THAT bad. In the show, she apologizes for “being awful to him”, but there actually is no book evidence that she was. More on that later. 

Even if she was a bit of an entitled brat AS A CHILD, show!Jon already forgave her for that, so why can’t you? Like, why do you people still blame her for something that not even the character you are supposedly defending gives a shit about? 

The only time book!Jon thinks about her in a somewhat resentful way is when thinking “he even misses Sansa, who never called him anything but her half-brother since she was old enough to understand what bastard meant.” And honestly, even the term “somewhat resentful” is too strong anyway. He’s simply surprised that he also misses the sibling he was the least close too. He thinks about her a couple more times, but never in a bad light (After Ned gets killed, he’s worried about both his sisters, who he assumes are in KL and hostages of the Lannisters. He thinks that Sansa would cry at “the magic” of the wall, while Arya would just laugh it off. He thinks about Sansa’s advice about talking to girls. He mentions her in passing when talking about the feast in Winterfell and being forced to sit in the back. (Though he was obviously lying about being that pissed at his family to manipulate Mance.) He thinks about her when thinking about his weak claim to WF (that even his sisters come before him in the line of succession). He declines Stannis’ offer to make him Lord of Winterfell because “by right it belongs to Sansa.” twice. He thinks about her brushing out Lady’s fur, after receiving the Pink Letter. I honestly don’t know where people get the idea from that they hated each other or even look back at each other in a particularly negative way. They weren’t close, no, but if you claim jonsa is an “unhealthy” ship, because Sansa “neglected” him so badly … I hate to tell, that’s all in your head. Seems like you people are projecting your own wrong conclusions and feelings onto a fictional character. Okay, he talks about her once before leaving WF, when he and Arya mention their most important rule for doing some forbidden shit “Don’t tell Sansa!” OH NO! She must have been a tyrant to her other siblings. Now, that proves it. Do any of you people have any siblings or cousins yourself? Did any of you interact with other children or teenagers when you were that age? Did your grow up on some isolated island with literally no other people around? EDIT: I FORGOT TO MENTION THE BEST EXAMPLE OF JON “HATING” SANSA: At the feast they throw for Bobby B at Winterfell, he doesn’t think “look at that smug, arrogant, privileged bitch who always calls me her “half-brother”, getting to walk next to the crown prince while I have to sit in the back!”, He thinks that SHE LOOKS RADIANT! Man, Jon really hated her and only left Winterfell because she was so very awful to him. 

Sansa actually did think about Jon before “he was everything that was left of her family”. She includes him in her prayer at the Battle of Blackwater and worries about him after realizing that not all men of the Night’s Watch are chivalrous black knights. (And before you give her shit for being so naive … Jon believed the exact same thing before actually travelling to the Wall.)

She thinks about him later as well (when fashioning her Alayne persona after him), but since you didn’t claim she doesn’t I can’t criticize you for that, can I?  (See what I’m doing? I’m reacting to the things you actually wrote). 

Btw, the whole sibling turned cousin issue is one of the things I totally get. I think it’s pretty bigoted going after those who don’t (like me and … all other Jonsa shippers), but I’m not going to argue with people that they shouldn’t either. Like, you do you and I do I or whatever. 

That said, I do think that the arguments “they see each other as siblings” and “weren’t even close” put in the same sentence are most often an obvious contradiction. “They see each other as siblings that can’t stand each other” would be a valid argument, if the later statement only had some proof to back it up. 

While I was very forgiving and tried to be nice and explain things, I can’t give you a pass for this nonsense

You know, there are probably many faws in my thinking and writing, but you people aren’t even trying. Just once I would like to have a civil, interesting, mind-provoking discussion with someone who disagrees with me. Instead, I get all the idiots with poor reading comprehension who can only bring up the same three illogical, stupid arguments. It’s getting boring. 

[edrecoveryprobs]

RE: Anons (finally!!) 1-8

In this post:

#2: How to handle surgery-related diets

#4: our fave recovery blogs

#5: dealing with bullying about vitiligo

#8: Recovering through the transition to college + how to challenge romanticizing ED thoughts

[CW behavior mention]

1. hi, sorry to bother you but I'm nervous I might have an eating disorder? I've been hospitalized for malnutrition in the past, but I just wasn't eating enough. the behaviors now are like binge purge restrict so on so on. I've been eating about [x] calories a day now because I want to lose weight without binging/ purging. should i tell someone about this, or is this normal?

FAQ #3 but yes definitely tell someone who can help!

2. I have to have a endoscopy/colonoscopy in a few weeks, and the prep for it has me completely on edge. In order to have the procedure done, I have to eat a restricted diet for a week, not eat for [x amount of time], and then take a super powerful laxative. My doctor also recommended I go on a weight loss diet, even though I'm still at a healthy BMI. After being recovered for several years, I've been struggling with a relapse, and I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. Any tips on how to deal?

Sorry this is so late! Here’s advice for anyone else in your situation.

First, tell your doctor! Ask which elements of this are most important, and which can be worked around. Your ED is a complicating condition, so they should really know about it -- they’re treating YOU, not just your colon.

Second, give your laxatives to someone you trust, preferably someone who lives with you. If you can, enlist their support with mealtimes as well. If you get really sad at the end of the meal bc you can feel yourself falling back into that old place, that’s okay. Have them remind you that this is temporary, and that food is not as black-and-white as your ED wants it to be. Cede responsibility for figuring out your intake to this trusted person. Also -- make sure no one lets you know your weight at any point! Perhaps they can tell you when you’re back at your normal weight but that’s it!! The less you can obsessively track, the better.

Third, get into therapy NOW. Once this diet is over and everything gets quiet is when the ED stuff really starts to hit. I find that usually my recovery phase is ½ as long as my restrictive phase if I’m in therapy, and 2x as long if I’m not.

Fourth, acknowledge that this is unusually difficult and that struggling with a difficult thing doesn’t negate all the work you’ve been doing for years. You’ve built a solid foundation that has a good chance of keeping you stable through this rough time, and even if that starts to crack you have those same foundation-building skills to get it back to good.

I hope things went well for you <3

3. your blog always makes me feel valid and safe. thank you.

You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helps <3

4. Hey!! Do you know of any other positive recovery blogs? Im too scared to look in the tags bc they're full of pro ana things :( I love your blog, thank you!!! ❤❤

Fyoured was my fave, idk if they’re still active though! There’s also scienceofeds but that’s mostly summarizing current medical literature on it. Edreocoverystarfish and clinicallydepressedpug are also great! You can also check out our reblog tag

5. I've been suffering from vitiligo practically my whole life and it's something that affects me both psychically and emotionally. My brother often makes fun of me because of it, his favourite name for me is ''Michael Jackson"

That’s so shitty of him. If it helps, siblings tend to be rather shitty as they’re growing up, because it usually takes like 15-20 years to learn the basic emotional skills it takes to really be there for someone you love. Some people (especially masculine-identified people because of the social penalties associated) take longer to learn or never do at all. That’s not your fault.

For what it’s worth, siblings tend to make fun of whatever your biggest insecurities are, because humans learn how to affect others’ emotions before they learn how to affect them positively. Mine was acne for a while, especially since I struggle with dermatillomania (skin-picking) -- my siblings would wait for a Papa John’s commercial of a pepperoni pizza, point to it, and say “hey look, it’s Selena! HA HA HA!!”. My sister was really insecure about her hair being parted exactly down the middle, so my other sister and I would make fun of her for that. What I mean to say is, it’s not about the vitiligo. It’s about your brother not having learned yet how to NOT be a rude little shit.

Also, there’s no absolute that different colored patches of skin are ugly or bad. Calico cats are so cute! Freckles are adorable! Winnie Harlow is so talented! Find reminders in your life and/or online that different isn’t bad, and that this difference can be jaw-droppingly gorgeous or heart-breakingly adorable or lovably cute. It’s all about how you wear it.

And finally, know that love is always a choice -- including self-love. Rather, it is a combination of tons of small choices. Am I treating myself with love? Do I talk to myself lovingly, the way I would talk to a friend who was in my situation? Do I appreciate what my skin does for me, pigment or no pigment? Am I cultivating a life full of things and people that validate that love? It’s hard at first, it always is, but once you start it becomes a really awesome habit. Here is a great place to start (adjust pronouns as appropriate).

Sending you lots of love <3

[CW poop mention]

6. Hi, this incredibly embarrassing, but I recently experienced some personal trauma and so I am having problems with eating... Mostly restrictive and the inability to swallow some foods. However, I am having some digestive problems, mostly issues with skid marks. I was wondering if this is common and if there is a remedy for it... This is the first time I have experienced something like this. Sorry.

First, I really honestly don’t think anyone goes through their life without ever getting skid marks lol so you’re not a freak at all. I get them from time to time and I don’t really have digestive problems. Usually it just means I need to eat more fiber or adjust the balance of my diet. Also, this might sound weird, but anal kegels might help! The anal ring is all muscles, after all, and if restricting is a problem then all muscles have probably atrophied a little bit, including those. And finally, it might just be bad toilet paper. There’s lots of kinds that are practically useless and turn into a pulpy mess instead of doing their damn job. If you’re at home, consider getting stronger toilet paper (2-ply etc) or carrying baby wipes in a purse or backpack. Black underwear can also help with the insecurity aspect.

7. I love your blog so much! It helps knowing what other people are going through while making it a little humorous. Stay awesome!!

:D will do!

[CW romanticizing relapse, negative body image] 8. I have been battling with my ed for [x amount of time] now. In [y]th grade I got so tiny, I felt so pretty. I had never been skinny until then. I gained a lot of weight from being on so many medications, and now I am at an average weight but I am so unhappy with my body. I still struggle with purging and skipping meals. I start college this fall and I am terrified that I am going to let ana control me since no one will notice. I just want to feel beautiful and I know I wont until I'm tiny…

Something I’ve been going through recently is trying to lovingly remind myself when these thoughts pop up: I’m not believing this stuff because it’s true, I believe it because I’m literally crazy. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but those beliefs can really take ahold of you if you take them seriously. But it’s just a symptom of the mental illness you know you already have. It’s like if you were prone to visual or audial hallucinations -- they feel real. They look real. They sound real. Of course you’d believe there are lions chasing you right now, because all of the senses you usually trust are indicating that that’s true. But also, if you can use the knowledge you have to try to see past them, you can actually interact much better with your environment.

Facts: you feel unhappy with your body. You still struggle with disordered behaviors. You start college this fall. College represents a big challenge to your ability to keep ana under control.

Beliefs: I can’t feel good unless I am thin. I can’t help but do what my ED says. I must keep this all a secret. I can’t get any help.

In the past 5 years, there have been times you’ve felt happy. Even when you weren’t thin. State memory means it’s hard to think of times you’ve felt differently, but it’s just a fact about human brains that we can’t feel one feeling for very long without switching it up.

Also, I guarantee you that you weren’t happy then. It’s so easy to romanticize thinness -- we see thinness romanticized literally ad nauseam -- but it’s such an empty feeling to be stuck in your ED. It’s so hopeless. It feels so crappy to walk into a restaurant with your friends, to see them all laughing and having fun when all you can think about is how terrifying it is to order food and how much you want to run away. When I really think about how awful each moment is with an ED, how I’m constantly either freaking out about eating or dreading the next time I’ll have to eat, how I had to numb myself constantly because reality felt so bleak.... Thin just isn’t worth it.

And let’s be clear: thin isn’t pretty. It’s just thin. Thin people CAN be pretty, but so can people of size, and so can very muscular people, and so can people whose body shape is more average. And eating disorders will make you thin at the expense of everything your body needs to maintain itself. It’s like insisting that houses are only thin if they have columns out front, so you hack off the front door, peel off the siding, pry up all the furniture, and stack up this pile of garbage to make some columns. You’re better off with a column-less but functioning house than one full of holes and empty inside.

Before you get to college, look up the mental health resources. Sign up for counseling through your school ASAP!!! Counseling tends to fill up as midterms approach, so this way you’ll be covered in case things go downhill later. Also, TELL people you trust. This you must do even if everything in you screams not to, because everything in you will scream not to, because your ED brain is actually trying to kill you. The more trusted people you tell, the less you have to fight it on your own, and the more resources you have to fight it. ALSO, see if there is an ED support group or a body positivity group on campus. Being around people who can gently call out disordered thoughts is a huge relief! And finally, explore other things that make you feel beautiful. Some people like makeup, and seeing how much of appearance is just illusion. Some feel beautiful when they know that they are strong and agile. Experiment with your clothing. Cut or dye your hair. Now is the time to test out different styles, and those are so much more fun to work on than calorie counting.

Lastly, you have more to do than be tiny. Mice are tiny. 5 cent candies are tiny. Pinky toe nails are tiny. What can you do that’s new? That helps you learn? That’s helpful? That’s exciting? Ana ignores all of that because of an obsession with BEING one thing. But ana doesn’t know shit about all the weird, cool, funny, wild stuff you can do. Show her what she’s missing.

Best of luck to you, and if you find yourself struggling in college don’t be afraid to message us back. We’re here for you throughout your recovery process <3

[in-paradox-space]

That dream keeps coming back to me.

Everything I do, I think of it.

I was in an evening class that I’m taking this year. I was late at usual, I always miss education. I don’t show up half the time. So I had to write down and retain every single thing that was being said. 

I have to catch up from what is implied in the context. I also have to work to compensate for what I’ll miss in my next absent lesson.

Quickly jotting down and scribbling. In pencil. It’s messy. Watching the teachers movements, she didn’t want us to write at that point but I had to retain it. 

This girl next to me, she was crying. I must’ve known for a while but it’s all hazy. 

Fat girl, same age, wearing a white shirt. Kind of like a school shirt. 

I didn’t even process the fact that she was fat in the dream. Maybe the subconscious of my subconscious picked it up but I wasn’t acknowledging it for a second.

I knew I had just 5 minutes to quickly write everything I had to and more until the lesson began properly. Comprehending it and shortening to keywords, underlining the pieces that I’d need to learn later.

 I knew she was crying. She was at my right side, next to me. She was on the end of the long extension of 2 person table/desks. Typical white classroom, those curved, hard plastic chairs. It’s like a white, hard, wooden/plastic table with that little pebble-dashed pale grey pattern on it. The window was to the right, behind her. It lead onto a kind of road, in my dream the room for the classroom was in an industrial area but that’s just how it goes.

That’s just how it goes.

So, I knew I needed to do my work. I also knew it was my duty to try to make sure she’s alright.

I ignored her for about a minute, tried to prioritize what I wrote. I was thinking, I’ll speak to her afterwards.

The classroom kept going on, I felt guilty, sort of conscious that other people may notice that I’m just ignoring this girl who is in tears, in tatters.

I glanced at her to assess the situation.

White shirt collar, open kind of wide in a comfortable, unrestricted manner. She had some bits of pink fleece and grey kind of high school jumper material, mixed together in dream fog. I don’t know if I saw her with a white shirt on because it’s an association from high school or if that’s just what her style is like.

She had lightish brown hair, the kind that looks like a matte, disheveled grey. It’s not technically grey, it’s brown. Not like old grey. I would tell everyone that their hair is grey - when I was younger - because to me it only looks like grey. If you put them next to someone with brown hair they look different. They didn’t like it when I said their hair looks grey. They said it’s brown; that baffled me. I didn’t understand why nobody acknowledged it

but yeah, in that sunlight it looked grey; a little greasy and sort of held back in a bobble.

She was absolutely balling her eyes out. Folder and papers on a desk, her face is slipping in and out of her hand, bottom lip opening and closing in the air to make way for the sound of her incessant crying.

I knew I couldn’t ignore it, but I went back to writing it down. My undereyes kept tensing, it was maybe painful. Knowing that I’m actively ignoring her while I hear her cries meshing in to the humdrum of the classroom.

I dropped my pen onto the desk; I couldn’t ignore it. I asked her what’s up?  She kept on crying. Normally I wouldn’t do this but it was a dream, I put my arm around her, let her know she’s not alone through human contact. I asked “what’s wrong? Are you okay?” (something like that) my arm resting into the light squishiness of her back, hand growing warmer on her shoulder. She couldn’t really get the words out, ‘its just’, still sobbing and hiding her face. I was telling her its ok, trying to comfort her. My chair was touching hers, I was embracing her from my side. 

So she told me something like: ‘your writing. It’s so perfect. The grammar. There’s not a single problem with your grammar, how is it so flawless. You know just what to write, you’re so smart’. My handwriting was a total mess. It was like a bomb hit the page. Like I was writing it on a bus. Just some keywords, messy underlinings and a couple of quick half-sentences. There was hardly any grammar there. I think she was referring to the Korean writing though (it’s a Korean class I go to at uni once a week). I’m a fresh beginner. I had a tiny bit of practice from home, like 2 months of here and there home studying before the course. It’s a little more familiar to me than most of the others and I’ve picked up on that. 

I don’t exactly know what she was implying, but I was embracing her to the point where it was basically 1/3 of a hug. I do think, however, she was implying she’s absolutely terrible at it and that was the reason she was crying. She must have had very low self esteem and felt more insecure and hopeless that she wasn’t picking it up that easily. Now that I think of it, she reminds a little of, my older sister, just a bit, a girl called Catherine I used to go to college with, who liked Minecraft lets plays, FNAF and was quite autistic. She struggled with studies and had super low self esteem. She could work untold wonders with a passion and uniquely shaped mind like hers though.

well, I was taken aback by that. I wasn’t sure what to say, ‘uh no it isn’t.’ ‘yours is a lot better’, I know nothing about her so I cant say that. I didnt know how to ask if thats the problem, I was thinking what to say. I couldnt use icebreaker questions and small talk because it was an awful time for it. She was devastated, I was slightly wondering if she went through something awful recently. It seems like her perception was telling her she had no use in the world.

I was looking at my book, at my desk, attention divided towards her, wondering what my next move would be. I was trying to comfort her, but failing. She was going into panic mode, gasping on her tears, she pulled out some herbal supplements from her bag. I recognized the bottle as Nature’s Best,  I thought they was 5-htp which I bought. People use them for depression and anxiety because they turn into serotonin. It was something else, the tablet was a see-through grey like cod liver oil pods but not orange. She drank it or put it into some cereal looking travel mug container idek its a blur whatever. It was a response to her attack, it seemed, anyway.

I thought great, that’s something we can bond on in order to get talking. I was like hey, I use supplements from them too. Natures Best, right? She got her red bag and said I’m sorry, wiping away her tears, she swiftly walked out of the door behind us, down the classroom. Then left, with her pinkish smoky coloured fleecy top. Walking and jogging slowly into the empty road, grey skies, damp from previous rainfall, in the industrial zone. The ones where there’s still houses and buildings to rent but the view is just of grey spiky fences and overgrown abandoned lots.

I was going to chase her, I looked at the teacher, asked if I could go. She looked frustrated said no. dont go. I decided teacher knows best and it’d be foolish not to listen to her.

looking back, I think the girl was a metaphor for my sister, or all the girls I’ve hurt. Hurt with my ignorance, with, idk just how I am. Maybe because I try so hard to look good and impress people, so I dont feel embarrassed or ashamed of myself or whatever, it works. Maybe they believe I’m actually as amazing as i try to seem and that makes them inferior. Maybe I don’t notice because im just trying to make sure I dont come off as sleazy, maybe i dont notice how they actually feel bc im just thinking of myself. I’ve also been fairly abusive to my sister as well. She was on the chubby side, kind of looked like that in school, cried a lot. I mean, I had my reasons for being that way, she was hard to live with but, if we actually need to blame anyone which we dont, my mother should have resolved the issues we all had with each other. Now, they’ve lived on into adulthood and we have to assume how to fix them ourselves.

or, when I’m asleep at that time, my baby nephew, one and a half, is always crying and crying AND SCREAMING AND SOBBING AND EXCLAIMING A CRYING SCREAM OF DREAD, ANGUISH, PAIN AND SUFFERING. It’s Hellish. I was at a friends house, sleeping in a comfy, cozy, quiet bed away from any noise. There was no babies crying but, every single morning without dread, I hear him screaming and howling like a jackal. So when I’m in that deep sleep state of mind, the pathways of my brain must now be wired to accommodate for the tormented squealing of his tire-screeching wails.

So, idk, there was crying, in my subcionscious and it was associated with my sister. Associated with idk, chubby girls with brown hair, who i probably see as struggling with mental tasks such as academia. Whether they lack the knowledge and capabalities or not, they certainly lack the mindset, the self belief and perseverance to keep trying... which in turn yields the same result as being incapable, if not to them then to their perception of self and world. . So, she was crying, and I think it’s a metaphor for both what my negative impact is on my baby nephew and thus, his mother, my sister. She walked out the door, she left our moment together because she idk, she didn’t want to experience any of that. She was hyperventilating crying and just wanted out of the situation; maybe to cry and be sad. Or to do something she realized she had to do, for herself or whatever. 

I basically saw that as her quitting the course and giving up for good instead of trying. Then, I knew I had to chase her. I was fully ready to go run out that door, go through a very emotional chat and get to the bottom of everything. Inspirational speech, help her with whatever troubles. Assure her that she’s great, reflect her good side to her. Calm down her breathing rate, crack a quick joke to remind her what laughter feels like and walk her back into class. 

Yet, the teacher was cross, sternly shook her head and briefly instructed me not to before continuing her lecturing. She knew I’d missed enough already and wasn’t going to just tell me to miss more because one student has disrupted the workflow. Rightly so, I understood and respected her judgement, yet my heart still felt for her. I kept peering out of my window, into the light glowed up in the poofiness of the lighter clouds, covering all trace of blue on the horizon.

So in conclusion, the crying girl was a metaphor for my family, all of those I need to look out for, compromise with and help move forward. The teacher instructing me to use mind over mood, discipline myself and focus on work is my ambition. My desire for a better life, the knowing that I need to sacrifice my desires, my relationships and even often my conscience for the greater good of my future. Of my ambitions, of my businesses, of my legacy, of what I’ll leave behind, for my self. Otherwise... I’ll be stuck crying with them, gawking at the more admirable traits that others have as opposed to myself. 

If I was to chase her, I’d be walking away in the same direction with her. All you can really do is hope she straightens up herself, otherwise, the other option would be doing nothing.

So, that’s what I think that is. I had that dream when I drifted back to sleep after 1pm, monday, 21st Oct 2019. It’s all I could think about all day that day. A fat girl crying. I was jaded all day. Contemplative, even when I got home, I lay in bed, i felt ill after being around pets the whole weekend, eating literally uncountable masses of junk food. I kept sighing mentally, thinking back to the girl who kept sobbing to my right, I didn’t notice she was chubby until after when I reflected. I felt responsible. Then the day after (today) I was thinking of it. 

Then, this evening, just today. I was in the classroom, late as usual. I creeped in, teacher talking about many points. Straight away my pad and pen was out, scribbling. I noticed after a while, a kinda chubby girl, brown hair (actually vibrant in colour though), colorful fleece, was to my right. She was on the corner part of the table, no more chairs to the right. She seemed completely emotionally intact, however.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every note I made I felt bad. I felt guilty. I felt scared, that maybe I’d upset her. I didn’t want to dominate her subliminally. I did know a little extra stuff like conjugations that hadn’t been taught yet and I was writing those down, wondering if she’s noticed. I couldn’t handle it, I looked at her pad, I had to compliment her. It must have been a sign, a vision, that came in a dream. I even considered asking her what she was doing at that time, when the dream occurred, I considered telling her about the dream. All sorts of forward things to strike a conversation with.

In the end, at breaktime, I asked her name. Straight away told her “your writing is so neat. Oh my God. How is your handwriting so neat? That’s unbelievable, wow!”. It was actually incredibly neat by the way I’ll proclaim that right now. Especially the hangul characters, they’re unfamiliar for us pretty much. They was small, spaciously together, in correct proportions, no lines bending the wrong way. When I write them wow, one is too big, a middle vowel will take up the bottom then i sort of squash the last really big consonant underneath, overlapping to the below line. It’s all disproportionate, just a mess... and thats just the English writing. 

So yeah, I didn’t tell her any of that dream stuff or whatever. We got talking. She’s doing third year maths at the uni. Took the course to bump her credits up which improves her overall grade. So she’s been taking it very seriously, she said she went over every single word in the textbook last night. She wants to pass. She’s clearly strong willed, intellectual, all the admirable treats. Very admirable indeed. Her favorite number is 7, mainly because she’s born on a 7th day. She enjoys graph theory in maths, dropped mechanics but did pure and statistics, then told me a bunch of stuff about maths i didnt understand but im the one who inquired so it’s kind of what I get. she also knows her runescape fairly well, but we both grew ambitions in the real world which took over, it seems.

we certainly broke the ice a little bit. I probably wouldn’t have even chatted to her without that dream. I’ll get to know her more again next time. 

[fromnatwithlove]

Hong Kong Reflections

#Honestly really so grateful I came on this trip. I feel like i’ve really changed a lot throughout the trip & my life view is also very very different!! This may sound a little exaggerated, but I’m definitely a different person that I was before the trip. Initially thought it would be really awkward and boring, being the only young person and going with yeema, ah yee jane, ahma and gong gong and mummy, but wah i really feel like i’ve grown in the past 6 days than I have in the past year.  HK LESSON #1: Fake it till you make it -- it works.

We all know that we act differently around different groups of people. We seem to take on a different persona, based on what people expect us to be & what they think we are supposed to behave like. For me, I’m very mischievous around my friends, very kind and patient and thoughtful around relatives, yet at home, with my family, I have a very short temper and for some strange reason, I find myself extremely reluctant to offer help to my family members. I never understood the reason why (and I still don’t!) but I realised that, your perspective and expectation of yourself is SUPER important! Small efforts to tweak your mental state and consciousness to pretend to be a certain type of person (e.g. polite, helpful, patient, kind-hearted) will actually help you achieve that kind of character for real. I’ve been so used to being the considerate, patient and helpful kid that I find myself super willing to help my family members at home, even when it’s not necessary to put on a show! So stop believing that your personality traits have to vary with different groups of people, and that, just because you’re short-tempered at home means you’re a short tempered person, that its in your nature and cannot be changed. You can actually just psyche yourself and convince yourself to be more helpful, make mini-mental efforts to not have negative thoughts and basically... fake it till you make it!!! I realised this works for my mom too. She’s usually super impatient and gets angry for the smallest things, but being around relatives forced her to control her anger and like. she can actually do it. We all can do it (be more helpful and patient, etc). It’s honestly just a mental mind game. HK LESSON #2: Filial Piety and Familial Love

There are many little things that say “I love you”, just that we don’t notice them. I love my Ahma so much. I’ve been saying this for so long like 10 years and I always beat myself up for not telling her that but honestly -- there are many things that don’t always have to be expressed in words. Just because I dont say it outrightly doesnt mean that she doesn’t know. I love offering to hold her hand bag, and my favourite feeling is holding her hand to cross the road and when she holds my hand back for balance as she walks, knowing that I’m always by her side and here for her! She’s forever asking if i’m cold and she gave me her scarf. She makes the effort to call me by the right name (instead of my sisters). I remember this particular meal time where, while we were all eating, she kept looking over at my plate to see if I had enough to eat. She would pick up food with her chopsticks and pile them up on my plate, asking me to eat more. I guess there are some things my mom does that I take for granted as well. Every time she asks if I have enough to eat or gives me good food, it’s honestly just cos she’s looking out for me. and I guess i’ve been taking that for granted la. When we argue and I get really angry I always think that I can never get along with my mom and that I cannot stand her as a person. But i realised honestly when she doesn’t get angry we really really get on very well??? which is such a strange feeling for me ahh. And I really honestly am very thankful for my mom cos i know she sacrificed a lot for us and just wants the best for us. without her I would never be where I am today la honestly. and I’m just thankful I guess.  HK LESSON #3: Arguing is also a form of communication

The other day I told Ahyee Diana that Mummy and Jiejie always fight, and she said “It’s normal. Fighting is okay, sometimes it’s even good. Fighting is also a form of communication. It’s better than not talking at all”  If you think about it, fighting with someone means that 2 parties actually care enough about one another to spend time explaining and arguing their point across to the other person, and usually when family’s argue it’s just because they want the best for each other (just that what they perceive as the ‘best’ may be different!) If you didnt really care for the person much you would not waste your time and breath arguing with that person and getting upset or angry over it. In some ways, its actually better than both people giving each other the silent treatment or not bothering to speak to that person at all because they dont care enough. I guess its true that, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. HK LESSON #4: Believe + Determination = Success Determination is not synonymous with confidence. I know I am determined but I am definitely lacking in belief and confidence! I know i’m always struggling to draw the line between having confidence and having an inflated ego. I guess I dont have the answer yet, but I think BELIEVING in yourself is very important. If you don’t even think you are a suitable candidate, how would you expect others to believe that you are a good candidate??? IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!! you must believe in what you are doing if not there’s honestly no point in even trying! That being said, ah yee jane told me about Uncle Yong Chun’s story of how he single handedly created the company and managed its success, even though he was born without a silver spoon. He was willing to suffer and do construction work to earn bits to fund his own local uni education, and eventually he achieved success. He never gave up on himself, never had a submissive attitude or told himself that he is disadvantaged and can never be good enough. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH and you honestly have to believe that! You have so much potential nat! you already have the determination part down you are just missing the part where you TRUST yourself and BELIEVE that you can do it :) :) HK LESSON #5: Grades aren’t everything | The future is unpredictable | Your choices make you

Your academic grades do not determine your future, neither is intellect a guarantor of success and wealth in life. Ah yee Jane was merely working as a clerk, Uncle Phillip didn’t do as well in school as Mummy, Uncle Teck Chee’s grades sucked so bad he had to choose the most unwanted course in poly. Look at where all of them are now. DON’T. SHORTCHANGE. YOURSELF. you have so so so much potential and capability as a person never ever view yourself in a discounted perspective and never ever shortchange yourself. Human beings are amazing and you are a human being!!! You will be able to do great things if you set your mind to it. Honestly, dont let your grades define you because being book smart only works well in the early stages of your life. but HOHO guess what? your early stages in life are over. It’s a different ball game in the working world and it’s up to YOU and your belief in yourself whether you can do it. Never ever think that just because you are less successful now, means you won’t be super successful in the future. The future is so unpredictable! Tables turn and you will never know when your efforts will just all be rewarded all at once :)  HK LESSON #6: Have a Happy Heart 

What’s the secret to happiness? Having a clean heart. One that is free from jealousy and judgement, from insecurities and suspicion. Free from negativity and criticism. Be simple-minded and positive, laugh at everything you see. Laugh at every little stupid story, even if its not funny. Laugh more! smile at people more! Don’t be jealous of people, and don’t feel insecure all the time. Be captured by the things around you and try to find joy in everything. Every time you want to complain, find something to be joyful about and make effort to be less critical and negative in your life. really really just be simple and happy because honestly nothing is more everlasting, authentic and long-lasting than that. Just stay strong and don’t let yourself wallow in self pity. Look at ah yee jane. honestly she could have just fallen into depression after uncle yong chun’s accident, and wallowed in self pity but she’s still so positive and cheerful and hopeful!! she’s satisfied by the smallest things in life and her monetary wealth is not the most important thing to her. 

Be peaceful -- and as JJ said, why get so excited?  HK LESSON #7: There is a reason for everyone’s character flaw, and mistake. 

Don’t be so quick to judge and get angry when others do something wrong. Do not be so quick to make judgement and criticise them, for you do not understand their story.  HK LESSON #8: People love you for who you are No matter what the results are for A levels, your relatives will still always think you are the best and they will love you no matter what. The school you go to does not matter to them at all.  HK LESSON #9: It’s okay to be depressed. People Understand.  It’s perfectly normal to go through hard times. Everyone has their own struggle and no family or person leads the perfect life (with the exception of people like JJ perhaps.) At the same time, speak to more adults if it helps and people actually will understand you! Don’t always think that just bc you had depression means that you’re damaged goods or that you are mentally weak. In fact, if anything you are just mentally stronger for having recovered. At the same time, this trip also made me realise that there’s so much more to life than struggling to meet people’s expectations of you all the time. just care about yourself and love yourself more. The future has so much in store! Jobs, marriage, family, friends -- there are so many people around you that love you so much in fact I feel so awful / queasy and guilty when I think about the nights where I lay in bed and told myself that no one would care if I ever died anyway, because people eventually recover and forget and get over it. SO MANY EXCITING THING LIES AHEAD NAT. As Russell said, the world is your oyster. Go out there and OWN IT.  Overall, Have more confidence in yourself and love more! Sending the future me a lot of love (esp if you’re reading this after tons of rejections and poor A levels results). Just rmb! Your university doesnt determine anything, and nothing is certain in life.