#and it might read differently depending on the exact character saying it

[zodiacoracle]

Without going into details I've been thinking and reconfirmed there's a reason why I write fiction exclusively in English, and then I wonder again where my living experience starts and ends when I hatched the following for a personal work:

"Perhaps we are called the Children of Night because we are fated to live in darkness, never to be seen, yet we yearn for the glimmering stars in the distant sky."

[salemlunaa]

𓆉 ∘˚ STOP RELYING ON OTHERS, ITS ONLY YOU HERE

stop relying on external forces.

There’s no point in relying on others. to save you, to say the things to make it “click”, to form the “guaranteed results” void state method. You are god, it’s up to you. Not the experienced bloggers, no not even me, not the tough love posts that motivate you for a while before you get back in the dumps. No no no, just you.

I was reading some of realitywarping’s old posts and they spoke about how you must be totally independent to make any changes. And I think that’s the difference between people who have already manifested their dream lives and people still looking. Before I manifested everything, I was reliant. On posts, methods, subliminals. I had to realise that i’m independent, it’s just me.

“ You indeed are 100% independent & sovereign right now in this moment, You are just imagining a countless number of authority figures to be dependent upon, so that you can make the illusion stronger, & keep Yourself "stuck" ”

You are the most high, the fact that you need that method is a concept you’ve imagined. The assumption that you will fail if you don’t follow a routine to a tee is a concept you’ve thought up. You thinking some people are more capable at this than others is, again, something you’ve made up in your head. You thinking you haven’t induced yet is something you’ve made up in your head, you thinking you’ve not manifested, shifted yet is a made up concept.

It’s not a must that you wait tirelessly for that bloggers response.

It’s not a must that you follow that exact routine.

It’s not a must that you stay still and lay in a certain position to induce.

It’s not a must that you listen to that subliminal.

It’s not a must to have it “click” for you.

You’ve done all these things and still feel unfulfilled. Why is that?

Because all you must do is decide. That’s it. This all depends on you.

You must realise that you are totally independent. You are at the top. You are the coder. Would you ask characters in your game to tell you how to code.

Your imagination alone materialises. So decide the outcome that is in your favour. It’s okay to slip out of it, unfortunately, this is something we have to learn after being taught the opposite. Remind yourself who you are and that your word is gospel.

There is no need to meet the 3d in the middle for anything. The fact that you have thought of your desires shows that they are real.

And it’s only you, that can do that, follow as many recourses as you want. But it’s YOUR say that goes. YOU have to give the go ahead. Or all the advice you absorb, all the things you do, means nothing. absolutely nothing.

A team of stylists can work tirelessly for a line or shoot but if the editor-in-chief won’t accept it , it doesn’t happen . Simple. Accept your power, it’s a must that you do.

YOU must be the one to accept that all your desires are done, you’re living in your desired reality or all the effort you put in and people you rely on amount to nothing. Stop relying on that one last scroll to save you. trust YOURSELF and what you ALREADY KNOW

Because when it’s all said and done, you come to find that those are external things and all that’s left is you.

Utilise Yourself. You are indeed independent

EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IS YOU PUSHED OUT, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL RELY ON THE ONLY CONSTANT ASPECT: YOU

[butyoudidthis4what]

You’re Okay

Jack Abbot x Doctor!Reader

5.4k || All my content is 18+ MDNI.

Jack Abbot was the man who broke me.

I genuinely never thought I would write fanfic again and even when new characters and hyperfixations came I didn't, no matter how much the urge was there. I just could never go through with it. I write for a living currently and so the last thing I wanted to do when I got home from work was more writing, even if it was a different style and all my own. And then Jack Abbot entered my life at a time and I went on vacation where I had absolutely no access to work and was refreshed while also emotionally going through it and really had the urge to write and so here we are. A perfect storm.

In typical me fashion I decided I was so sad and anxious that I just wanted some happy fluffy stuff and wrote the exact opposite. I'm just an angst with a happy ending girl what can I say. But also I just really want someone to comfort me like this and it was cathartic to write. However, I'm not going to lie that I started feeling a bit better when writing this so it became a bit harder to write, weave together, and finish and I'm just rusty. Read the CWs please, it's rough stuff and potentially triggering, so protect yourself, and if I missed any please (nicely) let me know.

I have a number of other ideas and thoughts for this man and am desperate to yell about him so feel free to send your thoughts in the ask box or DM me to yell about Jack.

Titles and summaries are unlikely to ever get better. Please be gentle with me as this is my first foray back into writing and posting in years. Please let me know if you like it. I thrive on positive feedback.

Again, please read the CWs: suicidal ideation; self harm ideation; extreme depression and anxiety discussed; discussion of anxious depressive attack; reference to rescue meds; self hate; reader is not okay; reader tries to push Jack away; abandonment issues and themes.

Summary: You have an anxious depressive attack for no readily apparent reason. Jack is the best and gets you through it. Happy ending. Established relationship. You and Jack live together. Age gap but not specified or referenced. No use of y/n or related. Absolutely zero proofreading, I mean none. No beta. This is also a bit open ended and could be conducive to a part two depending on reception and if anyone would be interested.

The sadness consumes you, sticks to you like the tegaderm you apply to patients. The most irritating part is how it just seemed to have come out of nowhere. Sure, you were feeling a bit more anxious and depressed than usual, but nothing horrific. And then it got a little worse towards the end of your first twelve hours. But then around hour sixteen it was like you just walked into a black hole and were totally consumed by it as you took a few minutes to yourself to use the bathroom. 

It was the crying out of absolutely fucking nowhere for no apparent reason kind of sadness. The kind that left you perpetually teetering on a ledge and unable to breathe. The kind that makes you think this is it, you’re so broken now you’re past the point of fixable. Makes you think you will just be here forever, stuck in this sadness, unable to move or enjoy anything, condemned to a life of faking it. Makes you itch to hurt yourself. The kind that is so consuming and distorting it makes you ideate and think that ending it all might be an act of kindness to yourself and your closest; you no longer consumed by the sadness and them no longer burdened with you. The kind that is so frustrating for you because one sliver of logical, rational brain large enough to understand what is happening and that your brain is manipulating you escapes, so you know that you’re being unreasonable, that it’ll pass and yet you can’t seem to believe it. Or maybe it’s that you do believe it, it’s just that surviving until it does pass seems so hard and you are so tired. 

Work keeps you busy. Busy enough to be able to push the thoughts to the side and just live with the feelings for now, both mentally and physically. You can focus on others, on fixing others, saving others, solving other people’s problems. It’s a good distraction, but just that. A distraction. It does nothing to fix anything and the second it’s gone you know it will all come crashing down. 

Jack’s eyes are scanning for you the second he walks in the ED. Something was off with you when he finished his shift and left you for the second half of your double. You’d assured him you were just tired and would get some more caffeine and be good and he hadn’t pushed you. He’d told you to text or call him if you needed him, that he would probably get some sleep but would sleep with his phone on loud and near his head in case you needed him. He could just sense it on you.

You hear him make some sarcastic remark back to someone before you see that he’s here and it makes your heart race. There’s a little burst of happiness at seeing him of course, but then even that is overcome again by the sadness that rules your mind currently. You don’t want to ruin his mood, don’t want him to have to deal with you. It makes you more anxious, threatens to rip you in half in deciding what to do, tell him or try and pretend. You know that would be pointless though and you don’t really have a choice. Not when it comes to him. One look at your face and he’s going to read you like a chapter book. You thought the time getting home and ability to take some meds since you wouldn’t be working might help you calm down enough for it to not be quite as bad once you got home. You look back down at your tablet but chew hard on the inside of your cheek, taste the iron of your own blood, and when Mel walks up to you with a question you shift your tablet so that you can dig your nails into the skin of your hand. Just something to ground you. Just a little physical pain to match the internal.

Jack clocks it from where he is, finding you just as you look back down at your tablet. Your nails and cheek. There’s something else about the way you’re holding yourself that’s off too. His own anxiety ticks up. Were you hurt? Did something happen? He turns back to ask Santos if something happened this shift but she’s already gone. When he looks back over to where you were standing with Mel he finds you and Mel gone. He thinks you just went with her until he spots her alone with a patient. 

You had to flee after answering her question and telling her you were off and to spread the word if anyone asked. You wouldn’t know how else to describe it other than giving into this urge to run and hide. Some sort of flight or fight thing undoubtedly, you’d just never had the feeling before. You had to get out of there before you lost it in front of everyone. 

Jack being here isn’t good. It wasn’t the plan, the one you’ve been preparing and repeating to yourself all day to get through it without losing it. You’d get off, go home, he’d be there and you’d be okay and not feel like this because he’d be there. Or at least if you still were feeling like this he would be there and that would make it a little better, a bit less suffocating. It would make it all feel survivable. 

But now he’s here and you can only assume that means he picked up a shift and you’ll have to go home to an empty place, something you’re not sure you trust yourself with right now. You try and tell yourself it’ll be fine, that you’ll take some meds at home and just sleep through it until he gets back and then sleep more with him and that the feelings will pass. And you know it’s true. Your logical brain knows that these feelings will pass. Your emotional brain that tells you you’re going to be stuck in this all-consuming sadness and anxiety wins, however, and the thoughts just won’t stop. The physical feeling of sadness and anxiety won’t leave. It’s enough to make you gag. 

You don’t want to ruin his roof for him but you don’t know where else to go and think maybe you’ll find whatever it is Jack finds up here that seems to help him. And really you know you want him to find you. Need him to. Need him to take one look at your face and know how to help you, how to comfort you, like he always does. You hate putting that on him, though.    

You don’t even consciously do it. You just look up and realize where you are. Right on the ledge. It’s so metaphoric it’s disgusting. It’s odd though, being on the other side of the guard rails. It feels like it should be scary or exhilarating in some kind of way but it’s just not. It’s nothing. Everything is nothing except that everything is also abhorrently and suffocatingly sad in a way you can’t explain. You let your hands come out a little and catch the wind. Some part of you hopes it’ll carry you away. It doesn’t and you’re so in your head you don’t hear the door or him as he walks over to you until he speaks. 

“You’re in my spot, Doll.” His voice is gentle, feeling you out and giving you room. He’s desperate to see your eyes, to read your face in the way only he can. 

You shrug. “I suppose I am.” 

He walks a little closer, rests his arms on the bar. He doesn’t know yet, how bad things are, how bad you are right now. You’re just a little too good at hiding it with your back to him when he can’t see your eyes or face. “Bad shift?”

It takes you a minute to respond and when you do it’s a single word and an iciness starts to seep through him. “No.” 

The way you say it is off. The way you sound, the way you’re standing, body leaning just slightly forward.

“What’s up? You don’t seem okay. What happened?” The genuine concern in his voice melts you but at the same time a large part of you feels bad for it, for making him concerned and worried about you. It’s unfair of you to do. 

You shake your head a little in response. “Nothing.” As much as it sounds like a lie, it’s really the truth, at least to his last question. Nothing happened.

“Did you pick up a shift tonight?” You ask him quietly. 

“No.” “Why are you here then?”

He gives a soft laugh, almost a touch of disbelief to it. “I don’t know, the way you seemed when I left and we said goodbye. I thought you were just tired but it sat with me, stayed with me when I woke up. I just felt, I don’t know, drawn to come pick you up. Get my eyes on you as soon as I could.” There’s a pause. “I’m glad I came.” 

You hum. You hate that he can pick it up off of you, that you can’t hide it better to protect him.

He’s never seen you go past the guard rail and combined with your demeanor and body language and the aura radiating off you it scares him, scares the fuck out of him right now. “Will you come here, please? Even if not to me, just to the other side.” There’s a pause as you consider. He leans back up off the rail to keep his hands free, ready to jump and grab you by the scrub top if he has to. 

You don’t want to scare him, to hurt him. That’s the whole problem. And then you end up doing so anyway. He deserves so much better. You hate yourself.

“I’m afraid if you touch me I’ll shatter. Just totally fucking lose it. And you shouldn’t have to deal with that.” The way you say it tells him you want nothing more than to be in his arms. He’s right of course. He recognizes it for what it is beneath your words, an invitation for him to pull you back to him. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

“Alright.” It’s his normal voice. Just Jack. He reaches and grabs your arm with his hand, gentle, but firm enough to keep you from going anywhere and show his seriousness. “You’re coming back on this side. Now.” It’s his Dr. Abbot voice, the one you know he must have developed in the service. “Please Doll.” And there’s your Jack, the tone he only uses with you, soft and sweet, empathetic, vulnerable in a strong way. Full of the love he has for you. You know if you pulled away he’d let you, but you don’t want to. You want him. Want to be close to him.

You don’t shatter from his touch. Not yet anyway. You let out a long breath but nod, let him help you back to the safe side. His hands are on your face, one thumb brushing over a cheekbone as he searches your eyes. You try to look away but he follows you. He hates what he sees, how sad and small you look and must feel, the nondescript anxiety coursing through you. 

“Doll,” he says a little breathless, aching to make it all better. “I need you to talk to me, please.” It’s desperate, on the cusp of begging. “Let me help. Let me in.” If anything the dialogue is normally reversed, but it’s been a good while since you’ve had to ask him to talk to you or let you in. You’ve been together so long now that it’s automatic for him. The only things he tries to keep you out of sometimes are his PTSD and flashbacks and phantom limb pain, but even then. He’s an easy lock for you to pick.

You scrunch your shoulders up hard for a few seconds as you take a deep breath and let them fall back down as you let it out through your nose. “And if I say I’m fine?” You give him a hint of a smile.

He gives a little scoff of a laugh. “Then I’ll be hurt by how much of a blind idiot you think I am.” It’s a little reassuring though. That you still have it in you to joke. It tells him you’re still in there. 

You give him the smallest smile before your face fades back into a heartbreaking sadness. “I don’t know Jack,” you say softly. “I… Nothing is even wrong. Nothing has happened. I just…” You trail off and he lets you, gives you the space to gather your thoughts even as he watches you with concern etched into his features. You look away from him, out at the city. He can still see your eyes get glassy though, the slightest tremble of your chin before you recover. “I’m too mentally ill for you. You deserve better.”

He has to give another laugh at that. “Have you met me?”

You look at him, and while he sees sadness and hurt he also sees terror. 

“I’m just… sad. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s all consuming and feels never ending even when I can sit and rationally tell myself I have nothing to be sad or anxious about. It just doesn’t fucking matter. It still feels like I can’t breathe except I am and I’m aware of it because I’m still alive and still thinking, still sad and spiraling. I’m almost like, fucking lightheaded it’s so bad, I shake, I can’t get that pit in my stomach and burn at my diaphragm to go away and over what? There’s nothing. There’s absolutely fucking nothing for me to be this sad or anxious or upset over.” You close your eyes and bring a shaky hand to your lips. “I’m just a huge mess for no god damn reason and I fucking hate it, Jack. And you deserve better, so, so much better, even if you don’t think so or want to admit it. You deserve not to be stuck with this, with whatever it is I am.”

He opens his mouth to speak but then shuts it. There’s so much he wants to say he doesn’t know where to start. He just wants to hold you. To hug you until all the pieces of you fit back together the way you’ve done for him so many times. He wishes he had a way to let you into his mind so that you could see how much he loves you, how much he needs you. 

“I feel so fucking melodramatic. The shift was fine. Nobody died. It was a good shift if anything. Life is good. I have friends who love and care about me. I’ve got you for christ’s sake, I’m the luckiest woman in the fucking world.” You shake your head a little. “And yet here I am. Like this. Feeling like the world is falling out from under me and so sad I almost want to jump for no reason. No fucking reason. And now I’m making you deal with it, with me. I hate it. I hate myself. You would be better off without me, you really would.”

“That simply is not fucking true,” he almost gasps out, just needing to get something out to you. “Jesus fucking christ I don’t know that there would still be me without you.” You shrug. “No. Don’t shrug, please do not shrug. This is not whatever. You are not whatever. It’s true, I don’t know if I’d still be here without you. I don’t know if I could go on without you. That’s just the truth. You’re not too mentally ill for me. You’re not too sad for me, or too anxious or too whatever. I can’t deserve better when I already have the best, regardless of whether you don’t think that’s true or want to admit it.” He sees you shaking a little. “I need you.” 

His voice cracks a little on ‘need.’ “Your brain is lying to you, no matter how real it seems in this moment, I promise. It’s okay to feel this way and to need to lean on me, to need my support. It won’t push me or make me go anywhere. I want to be here for you. I want to help you, help you feel better and not so sad. The depression and anxiety don’t care if the shift was good and nobody dies and you have friends and me. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel as deeply and as badly as you do right now. It doesn��t mean it’s melodramatic. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve your life or me. You’re struggling. That’s okay.” His thumbs wipe some tears away from your face and his heart cracks. He feels so helpless, this is one of the only things he can’t just fix for you, can’t protect you from. He wants to cry himself. “I’ve got you. This is an anxious depressive attack,” he reminds you. “You are so strong and you will come out of it. It will pass.”

“It’s just been happening more and more, Jack! I’ve been having this happen more and more. And one day you’re going to wake up and realize you’re exhausted by it. And I,” a few tears slip out as you take a shuddery breath, “I feel so fucking guilty making you deal with me and watching you deal with it, with me. How much it scares you and makes you sad. I just want the best for you, happiness and easiness and a calm, steady, good life. You deserve that. After everything you’ve been through you deserve that and more and I don’t think I’m that. I’m just more stress, more exhaustion, more to deal with. And that’s not fair and you deserve better.” The tears flow more freely now and your voice shakes with every word but you haven’t totally fallen apart somehow. 

“I get this exact same way too. I struggle too. I feel the darkness consume me just like you are now. I lean on you, ask for your help, or accept it when you have to offer because I can’t ask for myself. Why should or would I not do the same for you? Why would I give up on and abandon you when you’d never dream of doing it to me?” He asks, hands a bit firmer where they’re still holding your face. 

“It’s different,” you mutter. 

“How? How is it any different?”

You shrug. “I don’t know. It just is. You’re different. It’s okay when it’s you.” 

“Well that’s bullshit, Doll, and I know you know that,” he says with loving sternness. He softens again. “It’s okay when it’s you too, I promise. The way you feel about me when it’s me is the way I feel about you right now. It’s okay if you don’t know why you’re feeling like this and it’s okay if the reason is buried deep inside and it’s okay if there is no reason and you’re just feeling like this. It’s okay. We’re okay. I’m not dealing with you, even though your mind is telling you that. You’re not a burden. You’re not pushing me away by being like this. Your brain is lying to you right now. I’m not going anywhere. For better or worse you got yourself stuck with me when you agreed to that first date. Because I knew it was you then. And I won’t lose you and certainly not to this.” His thumbs brush over your cheeks again, one going to brush over your thumb. His eyes are so earnest it almost hurts.

You look at him for a moment and then he’s pulling you into his chest and arms as you’re falling into them. He lowers you both to the ground with you in his lap as you do finally shatter in his arms. 

You sob into him. Not soft tears that are silent or even heavy tears with some sniffing and stuttered words. It’s ugly, chest heaving. You almost seem to scream into his chest at times in between the huge breaths you try to take in. There are times where you choke, cry so hard you dry heave. But Jack doesn’t flinch, doesn’t try to get away or pull away with any kind of disgust at any of it. He just holds you, his arms warm and steady and solid around you, keeping you grounded, even if just. He rocks softly at times, shushes you softly but not to get you to be quiet, just to reassure. There are whispered words, “I know,” “It’s okay, you’re okay,” “I’ve got you,” “I’m not letting go,” “Let it out Doll, I’m here, I’ll always be here,” “I love you.” He kisses the top of your head and rubs your back, squeezes you tight to try and help you regulate, desperate to do anything he can to help. 

Eventually you cry yourself out and are reduced to small sniffles and hiccups. You go so still a couple of times he thinks you may have fallen asleep in his arms, knows how tired crying can make you, but then you let out a sigh. You pull your head from his chest a little, look up at him with sheepish eyes. It’s heartbreaking, how swollen and red your face and eyes are, how beautiful you look even this sad. 

“You don’t need to apologize,” he whispers when you go to speak. He knows you too well, better than he knows himself sometimes, you both swear.  

“I just hate it. Feeling like this. And having the rational part of my brain know at the same time that it’s ridiculous and unnecessary and all wrong but it losing to that emotional part of my brain that drags me into panic and all consuming sadness. I hate it.” You sniffle hard, try to wipe your face with your hand but it does nothing. Jack pulls his shirt up a little so that he can use it to wipe your face for you. 

“It just feels like it’ll never get better. Like I’ll be stuck in this darkness and sadness and anxiety forever.” Your words are muffled against him and make him hold you a little tighter. 

“I know. But I promise these feelings, especially at this intensity, will pass. I’m not dismissing them or saying they aren’t real, at all, but they will pass.” He kisses your hair a few more times, continues rubbing your back. He knows there’s not much he can say right now and doesn’t want to overwhelm you with words, just reassure you.

“Yeah,” you murmur. He doesn’t push you to accept it. 

“Did it help? The cry?” He asks gently.

You shrug in his arms. “I don’t know, probably.” You let the steady thump of his heart in your ear regulate yours. After a few moments you amend your answer. “It wasn’t the cry. It was you.” 

The corners of his lips turn up just slightly. He likes hearing he helped. “I’m glad.” 

“Thank you,” you whisper. He gives you a squeeze in response. A couple more minutes pass as you sit there just trying to recover. 

“I got your shirt all gross.” 

He shrugs. “It’s okay. I’ve had worse on me from people I don’t love more than anything.” He kisses the side of your head. “Plus it’s the one you like to steal anyway,” he whispers in your ear.

That makes you laugh, laugh enough that you start crying and let your head fall back into the side of his neck and shoulder again. “I’m sorry,” you almost squeak out.

“Oh baby,” he gives a sad little laugh. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’ve got you, I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”

This round doesn’t last anywhere near as long, largely because you’re just too fucking tired. A bit because he was right, it was an acute anxious depressive attack that’s starting to lift. You sigh into him. “I think I’m done.”

“Let’s get up and go home. Get some food in you, maybe some of your rescue meds if you want, and some sleep. It’ll help even though I know everything feels kind of helpless right now.” He kisses the top of your head, your forehead and then your lips. Nibbles on your nose just to pull a smile from you. He goes to pull away so that you can get up but you make a little whine of protest and just hold onto him tighter, nuzzle your nose against his neck. 

“I’m already home.” You murmur. “You’re home.” You’ve both said it to each other before and he knows how fucking true it is for him but it still makes him smile, knowing he’s that safe place for you. 

He gives a fake exasperated sigh just to see if it’ll pull anything from you. “Let’s get up and go to our house, then, little miss pedantic. Get in our bed.” 

You smile against his neck and it makes him relax a little, makes him feel good knowing he’s the only one who could pull you out of this and make you smile. “I’m not pedantic, it’s just the truth. And even if I am pedantic I’m your little miss pedantic.” 

You don’t say it as a question but he knows it is one, a subtle way of asking for reassurance when being direct is too hard. 

“Yes you are. All mine.” He squeezes you a bit tighter to drive home the point. “I happen to find pedantism so hot. Gets me all bothered when you get so concerned about all the little details.” He mouths at your neck, rubs his scruff against you lightly because he knows it tickles you and wants to draw a little laugh. 

It’s just barely successful, you give him a little huff of a laugh, but with how you were, he’ll take it. You finally let yourself fall out of his arms and stand up with him. He can tell by your face that while you might be feeling the slightest bit better in the moment, you’re not really. You’re still deep in that hole and struggling. You see the recognition of it flicker in his eyes. “I’m sorry.” You whisper. “That I made you think I wanted to… end myself and for scaring you. And that I’m not better. That I might never be better.”

He shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I understand. I really do, Doll. And I don’t expect it to be better with one conversation or two or three. And I’m not going to get tired of it, of you, as much as your brain wants you to believe that. I’ll be here and helping you through it just like you will with me until we’re in the ground together, okay?” You nod at him.  

He winds his fingers through yours and squeezes. “Let’s go home,” he says again, “to our house, the physical building where we reside together, where our bed is.” You go to open your mouth. “Yes, I still want you in my bed,” he cuts you off. “I could shower you first if you wanted.”

“Shower me? First?”

He holds the door of the roof open for you and you step in and hit the elevator button. “I know me washing your hair and body calms and grounds you,” he murmurs. He drops his voice a little lower, in volume and pitch and moves his face closer to yours so that his lips brush yours when he speaks. “And I say the shower is first because the second thing I could do for you, well, hopefully it would give you some oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin,” he smirks, gives you a teasingly light kiss on the lips. “Or if that’s all too much right now then we’ll just go home and get in bed and I’ll hold you while you sleep. Whatever you want. Whatever you need.”

You grin at him as he pulls away. It actually meets your eyes, even if it’s not the biggest smile he’s ever pulled from you. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve you Jack Abbot.”

“You were born.”

You start laughing. Like can’t breathe laughing, tears streaming, laughing. A smile pulls onto his face and he has to start laughing because yours is so contagious. “What?”

“I don’t fucking know,” you get out in between laughs, “just the way you said ‘you were born’ so seriously was so fucking funny. It was so… you.” You look up at him, eyes sparkling from tears but also love. “I’m so lucky,” you whisper, words a bit shaky. “I love you.” The laughing so hard you cried has brought you back to the precipice of tears. 

“I love you more,” Jack tells you as he wraps you back in his arms. The elevator opens though and you’re able to take in a deep breath and keep it together. 

“You wanna go out the side and I’ll meet you outside the ambo bay? I’ll swing back to the ED and grab your stuff.” He wipes a few tears from your face. It’s an offer to save some face and not look like a mess in front of everyone. 

“That bad?”

“You never look anything less than gorgeous, but the crying is obvious, yeah. It’ll draw questions.” He says it so matter of fact, that you’re never anything less than gorgeous in his eyes and that the crying is so obvious and people will gossip and it’s just another thing that feels so him that it helps tether you to reality. 

You nod. “Thank you,” you whisper. 

When you reach the door he squeezes your hand. You can see a little fear in his eyes. “You’ll be waiting, yeah? On the sidewalk?”

You give him a soft laugh and smile. “Yeah, on the sidewalk.”

“Good.” He leans in to give you a quick kiss. “I need you, you know? Just as much as you need me.”

“I know. I do, I promise.” As he walks away you call his name and he’s back by your side in a second. “I am sorry, you know. I would never actually do anything and leave you, and I’m sorry for hurting you by insinuating otherwise.”

He shakes his head slightly. “You don’t need to feel guilty for saying how you feel or felt. You don’t need to apologize.  I want you to talk to me, even if it is painful for me to hear. It’s the only way I can help.”

“It’s just hard to say, especially when I worry so much that it’ll make you go away. And I promise that’s not a reflection on you, or that I think you would-” He silences you with a kiss. It’s uncharacteristic for him at work, even if you’re not in the ED. That makes the fact of it happening a little better in some way, you think.

“I know. I understand, I promise.” He pulls back and looks at you. “I would tell you if it was becoming a problem or something I couldn’t handle. But I’m never going to have to tell you that. Now go wait for me.” He flicks his chin at the side door and gives you a little tap on the ass, flashes you one of his smiles that’s almost a smirk and makes you melt. You nod, do as instructed. And Jack watches you walk away until you disappear out the door, a whole piece of his heart out there existing outside of him. He knows you’ll be okay, that you’ll get through this. But it still scares him, still kills him to see you struggle like this. He wants to protect you from everything, does everything he can to, but always ends up trying to grapple with and accept the fact that he can’t really protect you from yourself. 

Outside, you wait for him on the sidewalk like you promised. Things are a bit lighter now that you’ve been able to speak to Jack, to just let yourself fall apart and cry. The guilt still eats at you even though you try not to let it. You watch him walk up to you, see the way he smiles when he spots you. It makes your heart ache. “I really love you, you know?” You murmur to him when he’s back at your side. 

“I do,” he nods. His lips pull up in a teasing smile as he starts up his favorite ‘argument’ you guys are always having. “I also know I love you more.”

[vonlycaonwife]

Wise, Ben, Lycaon, and Harumasa w/tomboy/Masculine dressing reader

Note: So there was an anon that gave a request for something similar to this, but I didn’t know how to go about it because the wording was throwing me off (not anyone's fault, I'm assuming it was a language barrier issue) and had some details I couldn't work with. So I'm making this it's own post and if the anon reads this and is happy then I'm glad! If this wasn't what you were trying to ask for please clarify in my inbox!

Warnings: none

Wise isn't really one to care about how you dress and such. So he won't really make any comments or say anything when you happen to dress more masculine.

Honestly if I was allowed to sneak in my own headcanon agenda, I would say he's more attracted to you because in my eyes Wise is definitely a bi guy who happens to particularly love those that play with their gender expression. So he's not making any complaints.

But that's not to say he doesn't find you attractive if you did decide to wear something more feminist for an occasion, he's still going to be just as gobsmacked as him seeing you in a suit for the first time!

Plus I would think that the fact you act more masculine too probably helps him with talking to you more. And what led to you both getting together!

This lovable bear man is also someone who wouldn't really care how you dress. Honestly I would say he actually enjoys going shopping with you no matter the style.

Though let's say you typically wear more masculine because they can be cheaper and have better pockets, he's especially in agreement with that. 

I can see him making calculations on the difference between masculine and feminine clothing prices. I feel like that's just a habit he has since I can imagine him being a big thiren could lead to him seeing possible price jumps for his specific body type.

Though if that's not a reason, and you do it just because. He's still happy to accompany you on any shopping you do for new outfits, and if need be he can be scary backup if someone stupidly decides to bother you.

Can I say you're gonna end up gifted a ton of fancy masculine clothing? Because you definitely are.

Lycaon isn't one to judge and honestly a part of me can see him be slightly excited if your style was similar to that of Victoria Housekeeping. Honestly you might even get a honorary uniform if you that matches Lycaon's if you didn't have one already.

Though that is not to say he is upset if one day you decide to wear something more feminine for something special, if anything he probably already had bought something for you just in case you needed to change that was like you typical clothes.

Also the compliments, this may seem out of character but I just know this man will give compliment after compliment. They can be more subtle or straight up calling you handsome or beautiful (depending on what you prefer) at every given chance. 

Personally I think it's just his thiren instincts going mad when seeing you in clothes that match him, so enjoy seeing his tail wagging.

Ah, this guy. Your resident clothes stealer.

Because trust me, if you happen to be the same size, he will accidentally wear a lot of your clothes in the morning rush to work. Neither of you know how it happens, but just be expected to buy extra shirts and pants. Though even then you never know if you'll find a new hole in them or not.

He lets you steal his clothes in return! And honestly with how enthusiastic he is you almost have to question whether his accidental clothes stealing is less accidental and more so a scheme for him to share clothes with you like some cheesy romantic.

Though if you aren't the exact same size, he still does it. But it's more obvious when his shirt is a bit more undone because it's too small or if he has to roll his pants up for being too long.

To be fully honest, I feel like out of everyone in this list he probably would want to see you dress more feminine. Not in a forceful way! But more so he's just curious how it would look on you, since he's so used to seeing you being masculine. It's not the end of the world if he never sees you dress feminine, but if you did it once for him as a treat…yeah he can die happy.

[felassan]

John Epler in the BioWare Discord (August 7th, again) -

User: "Since the dialogue wheel is coming back, will our choices set our Rook as diplomatic/humorous/aggressive with varying tone and voice lines similar to Hawke being able to be blue/purple/red?" John: "Not to the same degree - we want to give you the freedom to play your Rook differently depending on who they're talking to (you might be kinder to your companions and brusque with authority figures, for example), but your tone choices will have an impact within a conversation and, sometimes, with specific characters across multiple conversations." --- User: "I have to ask: how muscular can we make the elves?" John: "Reasonably so. You won't be making any massive bodybuilders but like... Timothy Olyphant?" User: "As a follow up what about humans and qunari? Quite muscular a la arnold or big viking type? Or not so much that lvl?" John: "Larger lineages (Qunari, esp) are bigger by default so the upper bounds are going to be bigger, but for modeling and animation we did want to put some limits on it. But your Rook can look pretty reasonably muscled, regardless of lineage choice." --- User: "Are there any time-sensitive quests (in terms of gameplay time, that will fail automatically if not addressed in a timely manner), and if there are please tell me they're at least indicated as such in some way?" John: "There are quests that can go away and technically 'fail' if you don't address them - but, to be VERY clear, this is not an in-game timer, but rather as you progress the game's story forward. That said, we do try to sign post them as much as possible." --- User: "Does Rook ever get the choice to cuss?" John: "Yes. You'll know when you're doing it, and we leave it up to you to make the choice, but sometimes, cursing is exactly what the situation demands."

[character limit text break!]

User: "Does the bioware team read the other channels and if so do they think we're unhinged or endearing?" John: "Little of column A, little of column B. But I mean, I've been online for 27 years, the internet has ruined me as much as anyone." --- User: "all the Rooks we've seen so far are wearing purple, please tell me we dont have to wear purple" John: "Everyone else can wear whatever colour they want but you, specifically, must always wear purple." --- User: "All the games have had unique faction symbols for our protagonist (Warden, Champion of Kirkwall, Inquisition) I assume there will be one for the Veilguard Will the symbol for it get released before the game or is this something that will be revealed in-game/after it’s launched?" John: "Every faction has their own symbol - including the Veilguard themselves! You may have noticed it in some of the art out there." --- John: "As a general comment - one thing I want to be super clear on - even as creative director there are things I can say, and things we're not ready to talk about. I'd rather spend my time answering what I can instead of a dozen 'sorry I can't talk about that yet' - especially since this channel is on slow mode." --- User: "There are blood effects in combat after Rook hits an enemy. And I think a developer shared images of the blood effects on hit after the reveal. Will characters be covered in blood or other environmental effects? Like getting wet from walking in puddles or muddy from running on dirt?" John: "There are environmental effects that persist on characters, depending on the environment you're traversing. They're subtle, but they're there!" --- User: "how many tattoos can we choose from? are there also full bodied ones too?" John: "I don't know the exact number, but there are quite a few. Some are full body as well, though you have control over colours and opacity on a more granular basis."

[character limit text break!]

User: "Of the zones/areas revealed what was the most challenging to design?" John: "Each has its own unique challenges. Arlathan seems simple because - well, it's a forest, right? But what about Arlathan makes it different than places you've been before? How does it fit into the established lore? Minrathous is a different kettle of fish because we've talked about it extensively and in a way that meant it HAD to be grander and more impressive than anything we've built before, which can be a tall order. The team did a fantastic job on all the areas, though." --- User: "which faction has the best fashion, in your opinion?" John: "Crows. Largely because 'black leather and feathers' isn't a look I could pull off in the real world but I am glad my Rook can." --- John: "Alright folks. I've gotta head back to work, but please keep asking questions and I'll answer what I can as soon as I can!"

[source: the official BioWare Discord]

There was also this question and answer:

User: "Can we name our saves like in Origins?" John: "I had to double check because I was about 95% sure on the answer, but also, I've been on this project for its entirety and sometimes I remember features that we had to cut (or never actually built) - yes. You can name your saves to reduce confusion."

but the answer may have now been deleted.

[cheesycatz]

The they/thems and the car-length flesh-eating computer worm living in their walls

(Worm in the Apple) 180k words progress update

The final five chapters are being worked on now! The number might change, but the plan for now is 28 chapters plus a prologue and epilogue. There's still problems for the characters to solve, but there should be more fluff than angst now. I'm excited to dedicate more time to the other addisons! Even though Blue is a main character alongside Wormton, I wanted the other addisons to also feel nuanced. They each have different thoughts about Wormton and reactions to his real form depending on their experiences. I wanted them to feel distinct from each other, but still fit together as a friend group.

On a side note, I've made it so that they use their color names as nicknames throughout the entire fic, because it's impossible to remember who's who when you're reading multiple fics and they're all using the exact same name like “Survey” to describe three different ad colors. I think I even put a worldbuilding joke in the fic somewhere about addisons usually going by nicknames, because every single one of em is named after some form of advertising despite there only being like 25 advertisement types max. For every “Banner” or “Click” there's probably some unlucky soul named “Product Placement” or “Telemarketing.”

I'd say I'm about two thirds of the way to posting? I only have five chapters and the epilogue left, but I plan on going through the whole fic and doing revisions before I start writing the final version. Like, I started writing this when I was 15. It absolutely needs a few revisions. After that, I'll finally be able to start writing finalized chapters and posting them. When will that be? Idk

Uuuuuh go random addison drawings I found

[drjackabbots]

hello!! I really hope this isn't a rude question, bc I'm genuinely curious. I've been wondering for a while now why people who make gifs from a movie or a show or whatever get upset when somebody else uses the gif in something or want credit for it. Is the process difficult? I'm not 100% how to make a gif but I can't imagine it being that arduous. Anyway like I said not trying to be rude have a good day :D

hey there! it's not a rude question if only because you're asking in the first place instead of just discrediting it.

the thing a lot of people don't understand is how much work actually goes into making a gif, because we don't just plug the video into a gifmaking program and call it a day. a lot of us start JUST with the process of pirating the highest quality video we can find, which can be anywhere from an hour or two of downloading to days at a time (my record is five days for all five seasons of the a-team, but that's a story for another day)

so there's already at least a few hours potentially, just from downloading. granted, we do other things obviously but that's still time that's going into the process.

so you have to download those videos, find the clip you want, and then there are several different methods of getting the clip into whatever program you use (i use photoshop). most of the time i have to reformat the video from .mkv to .mp4, because PS doesn't take .mkv but the highest quality videos are typically in that format. so i put that into a reformatting program, which can take at least another hour depending on how long the file is.

so i've finally got the file ready to go in photoshop, and then i can actually start working on the gif itself. i've now spent at MINIMUM two or three hours just getting this video ready. then i personally clip it down to the exact scene i want it and go from there. if you're just doing a random assortment of scenes, you can choose whatever you want. but if you're doing a scene itself, you have to clip that scene in bursts so you can add the subtitles based off the mouth-movement.

so say you're doing a gifset of your favorite character from a tv show. well, you don't want to just have all of the gifs come from the same episode. so you do the reformatting process all over again. more hours. you do that eight or nine or ten times until you have all the scenes you want. and THEN you can start the actual editing process.

what size should it be depending on what kind of gifset you want to do? 540x540? 540x405? do you just crop it first or should you resize it? the resolution might go down depending on how you resize it. do you know what smart sharpen is, and which levels you should have it on in order to make the scene look the best? what's a smart object? what percentage should your frame rate be so it doesn't look too fast? it's completely different between live action and animation, after all. do you know which colors you should use in the adjustment layers, like selective color? does levels or curves work better for what you're trying to do? how do i get rid of the yellow in this scene so it matches the other gifs? what's the difference between linear contrast and medium contrast? should you use exposure or vibrance to get the shadows you want?

you've done all that, it looks good! you go to export it as a proper gif so you can post it to tumblr. but don't forget your settings on that either! transparency dither, web snap, the amount of colors and what size it should be. you do all that and the gif ends up being over the 10mb limit. so now you have to go back and carefully chip away at the frames until it's under the limit, which means you ultimately have to choose what to sacrifice from that scene so you can properly export it.

so you try again. okay, it's on 9.7MB. that's going to read as 10MB on tumblr. back in you go to chip at it again until it's going to read as 9MB instead. finally. you export the gif, add it to tumblr, and then tumblr doesn't like how it looks when you import it and destroys the quality, so you have to go back and try different export settings until it looks the way you want it.

so you do that nine more times. The Entire Process. downloading and reformatting the .mkv, getting the scene you want, clipping it, resizing and cropping it, coloring it, exporting it, and if you're adding subtitles then it's an entirely new process to add on! and don't forget that if you're doing a mix of scenes, you have to color them all depending on their own lighting, so you're basically doing the process again from scratch.

then you try to think of a fun caption. maybe you want to choose a line you feel best summarizes the character or scene. you put that caption through an HTML formatting program so it can be a gradient (the easiest part!), make the caption look pretty, and then tag it and press send.

you've spent HOURS on this process. literal fucking hours. you've been learning how to carefully manipulate the colors to look good, you know what frame rate looks the best, you have all of your settings saved as .psds.

and then someone right clicks, saves the gif (or just copies it) and posts it to twitter with their own funny little caption.

they get 26k likes, who knows how many retweets, a bunch of new follows. they get all the attention for that gif when they put zero work into it. all they did was write a caption and press send.

you got 400 likes and 165 reblogs on your gifset over on tumblr. maybe you get some tags on it if you're really lucky.

so tell me. wouldn't you be a little frustrated, too?

and just in case anyone wants to try and tell me this doesn't happen, you're welcome to compare the stats on this gifset of godzilla versus the repost on twitter.

[asaka-lucy-hl]

Today, I finished my first playthrough (the first 100 days), and here are my impressions so far:

⚠️ This post contains major spoilers. Please read only if you have completed the first 100 days.

First of all, I want to make it clear that I am genuinely enjoying this game. In an interview, Kodaka and Uchikoshi mentioned that one playthrough would take about 20 hours, but for me, it took over 30 hours. So, I feel like I played very carefully and thoroughly. I made sure to check the characters' reactions as the story progressed, and I worked hard to strengthen and explore with each character as much as possible. Even now, I haven't gotten even slightly "tired" of the training elements, and I'm still having a lot of fun.

However, if someone asked me, "Would you recommend this game to your friends?" my honest answer would be, "It's complicated."

Before playing, I had already read several interviews where it was mentioned that the ending of the first 100 days would be "rather unsatisfying," so I was somewhat prepared for a conclusion that left a lot of mysteries unresolved. Still, even expecting it, the length of this "being left hanging" state was tougher than I thought.

In particular, it was frustrating how long it took for Eito's obviously suspicious behavior to be properly addressed in the story. After playing the demo, I watched a lot of playthrough videos and read (and even wrote) various theories. So maybe I was one of the first to be convinced that Eito was suspicious compared to others, but even for someone who wasn't, I think by the middle of the game most people would start to suspect that Eito had some kind of hidden agenda.

In my case, I realized he was lying during the conversation with Hiruko on Day 15. (I didn't check properly, so I apologize if the date is wrong. It was when Eito comes to Takumi's room and tells him that he's worried about what Hiruko said! What he says Hiruko said is slightly different from what Hiruko actually said). From that point on, even though I didn’t know his exact goal, I was convinced he was deliberately putting Takumi and the others at a disadvantage. So I honestly expected that there would be a development by Day 60 at the latest, where Takumi or the others would start to suspect Eito as well. But in reality, that issue wasn't brought up until much, much later - which made me feel a growing disconnect between my feelings and the progression of the story.

On top of that, when the truth behind Eito's actions was finally revealed, I was disappointed by how poorly thought out his plan was. Even if he turned out to be a traitor, I thought that could still add to his charm, depending on his goal or motive for doing such a thing. But regardless of his beliefs, I really wanted him to be portrayed as a very smart person.

The biggest letdown for me was learning that, when Eito killed SIREI, he had simply "underestimated" the bomb planted inside his body. In my opinion, since he wasn’t in such a rush, he should have done a proper investigation first — checking whether there were backup units for SIREI, or if there were alarms in case of malfunction, and so on — before making his move. I thought that Eito might be a spy for a third party, so to find out that he acted alone was very surprising - and frankly made me wonder why he would rush into such a reckless plan without fully understanding the situation.

I hope the second playthrough will provide better answers to these questions, but still, the fact that I ended up with this kind of impression after about 30 hours of play makes me a little hesitant about recommending the game to others, even though I know there's clearly more story to come.

Of course, I do think it’s possible that this strong sense of dissatisfaction is something the developers intentionally wanted to create. That said, there were moments where the "waiting" felt less like deliberate tension building and more like the story was just being dragged out. For those reasons, I still find it hard to wholeheartedly recommend the game.

By the way, in my second playthrough, I chose the route where Takumi kills Eito in the first choice. However, I really miss him when I play the SRPG part! 😭💔 He was one of my favorite combat units in terms of strength and attack methods. I'm sure there are routes where he really forms a friendship with Takumi, so I'm looking forward to seeing that and getting to know him better. Well, that's why I think it was probably the right decision to choose this route first. I'll go along the route where he won't be for a while, gather information, and then try to choose the option that doesn't involve killing Eito.

Anyway, those are my honest thoughts after finishing the first 100 days. But to be honest, I expected to feel that way to some extent, because Kodaka said several times that people's impressions of the game would vary greatly for a while after its release.

I’m excited to see how my feelings about the game will change from here! (Just to be clear, while I do find it hard to recommend the game to others, I myself am definitely enjoying it.) I’ll post another update once I’ve made some more progress.

Thanks for reading! 💖

[writingquestionsanswered]

So, I often find myself writing and it simply turns out… bland. I do try to remember to show my readers rather than tell, but I feel like I cannot consistently do that, and it feels forced. I try to focus on environment, internal feelings and such, but I wonder if I have an incorrect ratio of sorts… essentially, my question is for the average paragraph (let’s say not including any dialogue), how much should be descriptive of the environment and how much should be the characters thoughts and actions?

Writing Feels Forced or Bland

There isn't a formula or average for how much of the exposition in an average paragraph should be character thought and action vs description of the environment.

Your story overall should have a relative balance of exposition (explaining things--including character thought, backstory, and environment), action (characters doing things), and dialogue (characters talking.) It's not going to be an exact balance (hence the term "relative balance"), but you wouldn't want 5% dialogue, 30% action, and 65% exposition, for example, because that's not a relative balance. But, you could have 25% dialogue, 35% exposition, and 40% action if that's what works for your story.

This "balance" can't be applied to a single sentence, paragraph, scene, or chapter, because it's always going to be different. You'll have some sentences, paragraphs, scenes, or chapters that have a bigger balance of one or the others depending on the needs of the story. For example, the climax will probably be heavier on action and exposition than dialogue. Unless your climax is a huge verbal fight, in which case it will probably be heavier on dialogue and exposition than action.

When your writing feels bland or forced despite trying to include a relative balance of exposition, dialogue, and action... trying not to rely on telling rather than showing, and using description to flesh out the environment, the problem isn't with any of that, probably, but either with your expectations or with the story itself.

This is why it's so, so important for writers to also be readers... and yes, that does include listening to audiobooks and reading fan-fiction and short stories. Consuming story in any format is also important... because it's through reading and consuming stories that you can begin to understand how they work. You can read writing advice that says "show, don't tell" or "use description to flesh out the environment," but you can't really know what that means until you see it in action in a variety of different stories. Your expectations will be off because you haven't seen how it actually works.

And if you're an avid reader and know how stories work, and understand the overall relative balance between exposition, action, and dialogue needed to tell a story, and you still feel like it feels bland or forced, it could be an issue with the story itself. Relative balance between exposition, action, and dialogue isn't going to help if you don't have a plot that is compelling and cohesive... and if you don't have well fleshed out characters with a logical motivation, goal, and internal conflict to help drive the story forward.

You might take a spin through my Plot & Story Structure master list of posts, as well as my Character Development master list of posts for more help with individual issues on those points.

I hope this helps!!! ♥

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[mur1an]

I will say this at once, Tantris and Isolde 2 are both illusions created using Isolde ideal of how she wishes they could be. Because, there's no way in hell that Tristan sees Isolde like Isolde 2 or wishes she was that way, it just don't make sense for him to thing like that. While Isolde has already spoken about how she feels about her high, and that she believe that this is a reason for him not like her back.

And as I are said in previous post, Arthur most definitely know that Tristan was in Camelot, I mean if the black hole that opened wen they were talking is not a prove enough, and yes, we can say it could be a natural reaction of Camelot, but Arthur created this place so he must be aware of the people that don't fall for it's tricks.

There is also the part about Isolde and Chion finding one another quickly after the fall, but Tristan took a year to find!

You may say, but if it creates an illusion of Tristan why not make an exact copy of the original? And that's were I wanted to get.

It has already been established that the illusion of Camelot are nothing more than a reflection of people memories.

Isolde and Chion have ared went through this experience, so logically they would be able to notice at some point that is a illusion. Following that same logic, it would make sense why Tantris don'ts have memories. Since if he doesn't have memories then he wouldn't have the same reaction as the fake Jade.

And you may ask me, why would Arthur do an illusion of Tristan? Well, It could be to distract them. Make them believe that they have found Tristan, but that something is wrong with him, so they would stop looking for him because they are know where he is.

Now, why Arthur might want Tristan, for several reasons, it all depends on the narrative that Nakaba wants to follow. He may have taken Tristan to perform experiments, to torture, to kill him, but if you want to think of another path that is not so obvious (and which I find more interesting), he may be wanting to bring Tristan to his side.

Now you may ask, why would you think that? And I will answer, because I delusional.

Ok, talking serious right now, it's because from all the four, Tristan is the one with less lore in the arthurian legends (Nakaba has are put the most interesing part from his lore in the manga, from now one his history is basic Romeo and Juliet but with different characters), so by logic he is the one that Nakaba can create most new things for. There's also the fact that from all the four, Tristan is the only one that don't have a connection with Arthur. And I personally would find really boring if he just end up hating Arthur like Percival and Lancelot, I think it would be really interesing see the oposite happenig to him.

Like, think of them having a relationship similar to Silco and Jinx, our Claudia and Aaravos.

That would be really cool!! And also the quantity of angst we can get with that, ooh boy.

And it makes a lot of sense. These two characters have a lot in common. Both are made of light and darkness (Tristan is a nephilim and Arthur is chaos), they both had a human part in them, but from what we can understand, Arthur took away his human side, or at least half of it. Both could create a natural curiosity for each other due to their similar nature, after all they are unique.

And yes, there is a possibility that Tantris is Tristan just with amnesia. But again, that would be boring.

Woo! I think this the biggest post I have ever made,... I need to do more in the future! But that's it for today, thanks for reading to the end. I would really like to read your guys opinions on this, if you guys want to share.

[bumblingbabooshka]

I’m fascinated by the previous ask’s mention of anime “or the Vulcan equivalent” since anime is literally just Japanese animation would Vulcan animation have a distinctive enough style to warrant a distinct name? What is the Vulcan cultures’ views on animation as an art form (in your opinion).

I don't know enough about animation or art as like an evolving discipline as it relates to society/culture to say much about it in an intelligent way but the newest Dungeon Meshi Extra makes me think about it in a purely 'what would be fun' way

Vulcans also have an incredibly long lifespan so it'd be funny if Vulcans were used to listening to stories that are much longer than other species. [See: Tuvok singing his children a 348 verse story as a lullaby and his children loving it]

You know those soap operas that go on for like decades? Vulcan soap operas are going on for CENTURIES.

I think a lot of the most popular stories on Vulcan center around enlightment or war. In fact I think a lot of Vulcan is probably dedicated to those topics - I headcanon that there are multiple museums and monuments about the many wars Vulcan fought with a heavy emphasis on the great toll it took on their people and how awful these actions were. They almost blew up everything with nukes! But then logic saved them...I believe this is also a common thread in stories that aren't about war - being saved by logic. A woman almost falls for charlatan...but logic saves her. A man almost kills his brother...but logic stills his hand. Etc Etc. A Vulcan author could probably write thousands of books in their lifetime, depending on the age they started. I think having an author with hundreds of books is fairly common and Vulcans are often a bit anxious about reading very good authors of other species...what if they die before they finish writing?? Television shows having like 40 seasons isn't that rare and I think their method of storytelling would probably have to differ from ours in order to facilitate that. That's interesting, isn't it?? I wonder about Vulcan media that isn't Surak's teachings. Like, Tuvok says he likes to read - what's he read about? In 'Riddles' Neelix mentions a "Proto-Vulcan Drama" called 'Clash on the Fire Plains' which has 23 parts. Tuvok apparently has this in book form in his quarters but he's often reading things off his PADD which I assume are also Vulcan literature. It seems that a lot of Vulcan stories we hear about are meant to teach some sort of lesson even if they are also entertaining. When it comes to ongoing media (EX: Television show) I think they'd probably follow a series of arcs and situations with the same characters learning and growing. If you start watching season 82 of a Vulcan program then go back to season 7 it's like a whole new set of characters but they just changed because of their experiences. (As your Vulcan friend will rant to you). It gets a bit ridiculous but it's a bit fun too~ I headcanon that Vulcans in Starfleet will often get together to watch popular Vulcan tv shows' new episodes...alleviates some missing home. Others join in and soon we're seeing tv shows from all over the universe! Surprisingly, Vulcan and Klingon programs are fairly similar in the aspect of 'a lot of battle focused shows which teach lessons' but the exact lessons differ, of course. Oh I bet Vulcan tv shows would also have so much intrigue and drama about clans and marriage and propriety etc which Klingons would love. Klingon: So T'Eyanra is going off with Sarun? Even though she was made aware that Sertik is ill and might be plagued with fever? Vulcan: Yes. And do not forget - Sarun's clan changed the water rights of her own, though she does not know this yet. Klingon: -settling in- Sarun's clan is without honor! That knave... -gasp- and the Ektinslahrah ritual is tonight! Vulcan: -also settling in- Indeed. Oh god this was about anime wasn't it? Well just apply all that stuff I said to anime somehow...Vulcan anime is like one piece's length and death note's complexity but with a shocking amount of painstaking slice of life. I think animation would be taken as seriously on Vulcan as it is on Earth - I can't think of anything that'd make them take it more or less seriously? I picture Betazoid animation would have a heavy emphasis on showing feeling though - like visibly as an ever present cloud behind the characters' heads and you have to know what all the colors mean.

[kaahmbem]

the way i personally like to run insight checks is not to give the players straightforward answers like "they're lying" or "you think they're being honest", i like to factor in body language, "you noticed they did hesitate before answering", "they're avoiding eye contact". sort of like you're a body language / tone analyst. the better you roll, the more you notice that helps you come to a more accurate conclusion.

if the roll is average, i like to point things out but leave a certain space of uncertainty, "their brows knit together briefly, as if something about what you said troubled them, but you're not sure what."

average rolls mean you get a bit of insight, but it's not quite There yet. an average roll — "occasionally, their eyes stray and they glance over at something in the distance." — lets you pick up on certain things, but not quite what it means. is it a suspicious glance? a bitter one? a better roll might produce something like, "their eyes constantly stray towards that person in the distance. there's a bit of wistfulness to their expression." a natural 20, and bam, that's the look of love. "a gaze that cannot help but tend towards them like sheep flocking towards their shepard, or a harvest blooming under careful palms. it's the gaze of someone deeply in love."

lower rolls of course indicate that you can't read said person that well at all, "for a moment, you thought you saw a flash of an expression, but you didn't really catch what it was", "this person is a closed book. you can't glean anything about their reaction."

insight rolls are for insight, they serve to provide more guidance on how to read a certain character's body language / intentions. sometimes, there's nuances to it ! i can say, "they believe what they're saying", but does that necessarily mean that it's true? no !!! or a, "you do detect an element of honesty in their statement." what does that mean!!! does it mean that the npc is conflicted and doesn't quite know what the truth is, or does it mean that they're half lying, half telling the truth to you on purpose? who knows !!!

i will also always roll opposed for npcs in cases of deception. if an npc is actively trying to lie or hide something from you, it's your insight vs their deception (if they aren't lying or trying to hide anything from you, i will still roll anyway, just so the players can't go HEY YOU ROLLED THAT MEANS THEY'RE LYING!!!! i roll for show, i just don't use the result that i got !) this is partially because i'm not good at gaging DCs and i will often overshoot, but i also just enjoy that factor of variability in social interactions. it allows me to base a certain character's ability to lie in their stats rather than eyeballing it every time, and it allows for the concept of "sometimes people succeed at lying, and sometimes, they're just horribly bad at it at a given time". and what you glean from them depends on the difference between their roll and yours.

if the npc succeeds at lying / the PC fails at distinguishing a lie, i take low rolls not as a "well, you believe them, they're being honest" because that gives away the fact that they're lying, but more of a, "they paused a bit before speaking, but their answer sounds honest." why did they pause? was it because they were hesitating on telling the truth, but ultimately told it, or was it because they're lying to you?

the only time i really like to just flat out tell the pcs that they believe something incredibly stupid is if one of the pcs rolled like a natural one and the other rolled a natural 20. then i can start with the high roll, "they're definitely lying. you've seen this exact phony, bright, not meeting the eyes smile of con-men and salespeople trying to convince you to buy something at a ridiculously inflated price. it's a scam," before turning to the nat 1 and going, "you have never. ever. believed something more. 10000 gold pieces is definitely such an affordable price for this rock that was definitely not picked up from the ground just now. and by the way, this person reminds you a bit of your kind grandfather."

playing around with responses to rolls is so very fun and whimsy !!

[androgymagnus]

ohhh my god speaking of house md and brilliant minds comparisons. yikes. like. okay. i understand why people try to start with this. i truly do. i think if you're trying to communicate something you like about the show to someone who hasn't seen it, and you do that by relating it to a very popular medical drama, that's like. i get why you're doing that. but while there's a pretty good common thread here (ie, medical drama starring disabled doctor who will do anything to help his patients and his gaggle of diverse interns) it's.... largely surface level and reductive, because these are two very different shows other than that little logline.

like, their disabilities and how they're handled and what they mean to their characters and how they handle them are very different. (SO different i'm not even gonna get into it. but they serve different purposes you know?) the tone of the whole show is different--my god is the tone different. the shows are actively trying to do different things.

and like (this one deserves its own line) while i personally believe house is very empathetic and cares about his patients under All That, uh, All That still exists, and does not excuse any kindness he might have under All That, and All That is still a problem (ie yes he will go to any lengths to cure his patient but he will also call them and their whole family slurs. blah blah blah complex character motivations and trauma the effect is still bad no matter the cause) and anyway, that's just what i think from his characterization, generally, he is still incredibly rude and caustic and you could certainly argue for the reading that he actually cares about the puzzle, not the patient. and even if you, like me, believe he deeply cares about his patients even when he doesn't want to, he still largely focuses far more on their literal health than their feelings or lived experience in the hospital. he'll save your life but he'll be a dick the whole time. he'll make patients cry and not really care. meanwhile dr wolf cares about his patient's lived experiences, how they feel, not just their literal physical health. that is literally his entire approach: getting to know them as people, treating them with kindness and understanding when other doctors have brushed over them or signed them off as a lost cause. rather than any kindness/empathy being subtext or shown through certain actions, it's the text.

now, i'm not saying this makes dr wolf a better character than house (a better person, perhaps!) or even a more complex character, since again. they are very different characters serving very different purposes. house is a deeply fucked up little man dealing with very bad chronic pain, childhood trauma, probably repressed bisexuality but let's not go there, etc., and he lashes out. he's a complex character, he's sympathetic but not a victim, he's an asshole but often you like him anyway. wolf is serving a different purpose as a character--i'd say his speech about harold in the first episode really speaks to it. like. he cares, about things other doctors don't, that even house probably wouldn't (depending on the episode and season probably). he's got his own backstory, albeit one we don't know all of yet, that plays into how he interacts with people now and why he is the way he is.

like. agh. gestures frusturatedly. there are interesting contrasts one could make here between these two characters (for example: if we buy that house is deeply empathetic, he deals with this by not wanting to get attached to patients at all, refusing to see them directly, and treating them like puzzles, because when he does see them as a person it hurts more when they die; meanwhile dr wolf does the exact opposite and loathes the idea of seeing patients as their diseases, as a puzzle, but as a consequence gets maybe even too attached every single time, which, while admirable, can lead to burnout or just, you know, getting fired or being a bit single-minded with blinders on trying to save them), but ultimately, it's kind of apples and oranges (that previous parenthetical is fun and all but they have very different backstories and motivations and context and that's kind of just isolating one thing, you know?) and seeing people uncritically compare the two is at least mildly irksome. they have, again, wildly different backstories and motivations.

these shows are trying to do different things! neither one of them is better than the other (i think i'm enjoying brilliant minds more personally, although with only seven episodes out to house's eight seasons i think it's a bit of an unfair judgment to try and make objectively as of yet) because they are trying to do different things. they just happen to be medical dramas about a doctor who will do anything to cure their patient, which is, when you think about it, a very broad category. you could throw in 'and he's disabled!' but let's be real, their disabilities (and how they're handled and interact with the plot) are very different.

the point is, i understand why people make this comparison but i think it's a little reductive and misguided. but at the same time like, i get it, trying to get across something in an easy to understand way when you're trying to convince someone to watch the show, just--don't go giving them the wrong impression! if someone goes into brilliant minds expecting house md, and they like different things about that show than you did, they're gonna end up being disappointed

anyway, disorganized ramble: end. hope it somewhat made sense

[bestworstcase]

penny was the winter maiden for two days.

ozma has been reincarnating for centuries, if not thousands of years.

assuming that the maiden cycle depends on the exact same metaphysical process (which is in itself textually uncertain, given that the maidens are non-conscious entities said to separate from the host’s aura at death and cleave to another whereas ozma’s reincarnation works by combination of his aura with another—as described, these are explicitly different mechanisms, and because the different outcome of the two cycles (one overwrites the host, one doesn’t) are explained by this difference in mechanism, i see no real reason to question the overtly-stated differences in what is happening when a maiden finds a new host vs when ozma is bound to one), the notion that penny could have—in two days—achieved some mastery over the reincarnation process that has eluded ozma for, again, thousands of years, is… nonsense?

it’s the most grasping-at-straws out of a lot of very straw-grasping penny 3.0 theories and the premise is, more or less, “ozma has been needlessly murdering his hosts for thousands of years because he’s too stupid to realize that he doesn’t have to do that.”

when like. ok. listen to me.

in the lost fable, ozma takes control within seconds of landing in the new guy’s head. he’s not able to answer the question “what’s your name,” because he doesn’t know. jinn talks about ozma traveling for years before seeking out salem. he’s with her for years; they found a kingdom and have children. through all of this time, there is nothing to suggest that ozma has another presence in his head—until his reflection speaks to him, and he physically recoils in pure shock.

i think, when this began, there was no “merge.” ozma just landed in someone’s head and erased them, almost completely, right away.

in v8, oscar says he doesn’t like using magic because it makes the “merge” happen faster, and oz answers “i don’t blame you.”

many lifetimes ago, ozma either divided his magic or carved the divine blessings out of his soul and gave them to four young women who had helped him. the maidens persist as non-conscious entities who confer magical powers upon their host without, in any way, corrupting or taking over the host consciousness. meanwhile oscar is still holding on—by his fingernails, perhaps, but he’s still alive and himself—and he feels that using magic erodes him faster.

do the math.

at some point, ozma worked out that the divine magic he carried was killing his hosts, leaving behind just a reflection that monitored him to keep him in line. so he tried to get rid of it, by giving portions of that magic away, and it worked, even if not to the extent he might have hoped. the maidens are ozma’s best effort at sparing the lives of his hosts.

(reading between the lines of how oz phrases it to the kids—“i reincarnate, but my memories stay with me”—in combination with his obvious projection of his own suicidality onto salem? i’d bet that ozma was hoping to destroy his own consciousness when he did this, too, so that his future hosts would receive his remaining powers and inherit the task but not him.)

it’s a mistake to look at the resigned acceptance ozpin has now and assume that it’s representative of how ozma has always felt about his curse; the whole point of him as a character is that he’s been ground down and slowly corrupted in the gristmill of this curse over thousands of years.

and it’s also, frankly, a mistake to take penny clocking blake as a faunus because she saw blake’s ears through the bow in infrared or penny figuring out that ruby can carry people with her semblance after 1. ruby flew with penny in volume two and 2. several months of ruby demonstrating abilities in training that she’s been doing since v4 without consciously registering that she’s doing them, like splitting to go around obstacles, to mean that penny is uniquely insightful or good at “figuring things out” in general. she has superhuman sensory capabilities (infrared vision, aura-scanning) that give her an advantage in perception of certain situations, and she’s fairly book-smart.

that doesn’t make her capable of solving ozma’s Divine Curse after sitting with the maiden powers for Two Days in a war zone. lmfao

[the-butterbun]

Hello. I’m glad you like my descriptions for your TMA Tarot.

They are very basic for cards. Mostly just enough to get a message.

But given each Tarot deck is personal to the images they use, I might eventually have time to really go into depth of cards meaning. I have 5 decks myself, and though messages can be the same, the way they are presented are different depending on the cards images.

(Example being my Arcana Deck’s star is very big into hope and courage. As the person who represents it is these things. But my Vampire Deck’s Star is more about the determination and desire of hope than the feeling of it.)

So for your deck I’d be going into more about how the Star and The Dark go hand in hand. Your deck would talk more about the facing of darkness rather than the hope the Star invokes. And would give more messages to the reader that, say reversed, means they are in despair.

So say they got Strength and The Star reversed, the reading would indicate they are in despair and fear, the darkness is about to consume them, and Strength would tell them to face the Dark with calmness and resolve. Invoking in a way two beings, to face the fear of The Dark you must embrace the strength of The Hunt.

I hope this gives you an idea of why I adore Tarot Deck’s that are stylized to certain fandoms. Because though the meaning of the cards are roughly the same, the way they are presented and told to the reader is very different depending on the art and/or fandom they are based in.

Sorry for this info dump, I wish you well with your exams and your project. Dont feel any pressure to continue it, doing 72 cards with 22 of them being heavy stylized as Major Arcane is not easy. (Not to mention the 16 Court Cards.)

((Dude!! The Court Cards could easily be the 14 fears with the Magnus Institute and its Underground being the last two))

Ah, sorry getting carried away with this ‘ask’. Again good luck and hope everything goes well!

I absolutely love your descriptions for the tma tarot cards I drew!

I don't have a lot of practice with more flowery/metaphorical language. Seeing your proposals for the card meanings really sparked up my drive for this project once again. I can go in depth about my reasonings and analysis but poetic prose is a whole other ball park.

The fact that I don't actually have a lot of experience with tarot is also certainly a factor. at the beginning I had trouble matching characters with their cards since all decks are different but that is also the beaty of tarot I learned!

Here's the whole list of the Major Arcana matches so far (keep in mind these might still change, some of theses matches I am more attached to than others)! I paired up all these cards a few months ago so atm am a bit fuzzy on my exact thought process but I made it a point to give each fear AT LEAST one card of the Major Arcana (including the extinction). I have not done the Courts as of yet and probably won't for a while.

0 - the fool - Micheal Shelly

1 - the magician - Anabelle Cain

2 - the high priestess - Melanie King/Helen Richardson (I'm still split on this one)

3 - the empress - Gertrude Robinson

4 - the emperor - Jonah Magnus/Elias Bouchard

5 - the hierophant - Raymond Fielding

6 - the lovers - Agnes Montague and Jack Barnabas

7 - the chariot - Julia Montauk and Trevor Herbert

8 - strength - Daisy Tonner and Badura Hussain

9 - the hermit - Martin Blackwood

10 - wheel of fortune - Georgie Barker and Oliver Banks

11 - Justice - Peter Lukas

12 - the hanged man - Jonathan Sims

13 - death - Gerry Keay

14 - temperance - Jared Hopworth

15 - the devil - Nikola Orsinov

16 - the tower - Micheal Crew

17 - the star - Manuela Dominguez

18 - the moon - Gary Boylen

19 - the sun - Jane Prentis

20 - judgement - Hazekiah Wakely

21 - the world - Simon fairchild

I have my in depth notes on these somewhere in my journal so if anyone's interested I can go in depth on each card, why I chose who I chose as well as alternative candidates :)

PS.: Actually I should probably check out the Courts before I finalize these matches. who knows maybe I'll find better ones and push off some of the Eye servants over there I mean I love them dearly but also this deck is VERY heavily Eye stacked. the 'one card per fear minimum rule' definitely stays regardless

PSS.: (god I can't even even fit them all in the tags, my pookies...)

[genderqueerdykes]

Okay so isk if this is smth to ask u or like someone else but honestly its open to anyone willing to interact with this post but

Is it weird for someone to write a queer story even if it isn't *exactly* their experience?

For context: I'm writing a story about an AMAB individual who (after moving back to their hometown after years of travelling with their mother) reunites with an old friend and finds that her friend group is predominantly queer. After a while of interacting with them and getting to learn about queerness in depth for quite possibly the first time in her life they realise that they might not actually feel like a boy.

The story revolves a lot around queer joy and queer POC characters and what some people consider 'weird' queers (neopronouns, complex identities etc, cause I am basing this off of some of mine and some friends experiences) and stuff and has a fairly happy ending (cause i feel like there should be more stories about POC kids being accepted not just by their friends but also their parents)

I am however AFAB Nonbinary and ik that experiences are different depending on birth sex and all of that and this is partially based off some of my other friends experiences as well - and I was wondering if that's just like odd? Like I wanna do research and ask my own friends (because i feel like some of them could've really benefited from a story like this) but i do know that some people r kinda weird about it if it isn't written by someone who has personally experienced it in the exact same way.

i would say that's not weird!

in order to break down the preconceptions we have of other groups of people, we must try to see life from their situation. speculation won't be perfect, but being a sympathetic ear helps you hear other people's experiences, and how they are similar, but different to yours! i would say as long as you take enough time to research and read the experiences of those particular groups of people from their own mouths, you can include that sort of thing in your writing

also keep in mind, when writing about an identity you're not 100% sure on, you are allowed to not go super in-depth about the struggles and politics of that person's existence. you can choose to not go too deep into someone's gender, intersex condition, sexuality or lack there of, and so on. you can represent without having to try to speculate on what it's like down to brass tacks. that can be left to the people who live with those identities!

that's when our voices need to be uplifted- in cases where we are showing the very finer innerworkings of life as that identity. we are the experts, so you can leave that to us. you can write in a more casual manner in a sense that it's okay to go more in depth into the situations you are familiar with, and choose to not speculate way too hard on something you're not familiar with

good luck! i hope this helps, take care