#and it matters so much to me bc maybe theres a future where this stupid hateful terrible beautiful wonderful town still has farms and rodeo

[vintageghoststories]

anyways i care abt wtnv as a person who lives in a small town and is queer bc Yes Its Terrible but its My Home and i love it despite how much i fucking hate it and how much i wish it could change . Like Odifgtghhgjgj ALSO. with strexcorp and how many "outsiders" are coming into small towns to get away from city life Unknowingly Bring That City Life With Them and ruining the culture of the small towns And Also Capitalism Bad . like yeah they were so fucking right abt thatactually .

[kindred-spirit-93]

*succinct & eloquent opening line. maybe a clever joke or quote* :D

do you ever sit there and contemplate your life choices after like a certain experience or a talk with a loved one?

do you ever come across a quote or a piece that seems like it was written for you in this particular moment in time? an anecdote that mirrors your current situation perhaps?

well im currently going through it & after a double whammy of mama lore TM during some resurfacing anxious & assorted crises, i dont even know what im going through anymore. but we shared a really sweet heart to heart and reminisced over good and less good times aw!

i am reminded that there is still much to life, light to be sought and found, good times yet to be had. its bittersweet. its mature. its scary? its like coming to terms with your mortality but on a smaller scale. or bigger whos to say...

i wont be venting anything, i think for now at least im content to vague post lmao. also my dad bought me some stress eating treats so i might need to go wallow in my feels for a bit

after i jinxed myself by saying im going on hiatus but failing to stay off the website lol (i had moot withdrawl symptoms sue me), i wont be repeating the same mistake, but with context clues i trust u can see where im going with this

it might sound presumptious to state so confidently that this next month of my life will be the hardest in my career, especially since im not even half way there yet, but the truth of the matter is that it is.

ive been struggling for well over a year now (mostly academically) and im both succeeding in places i didnt before (alhamdulillah!) but failing in the exact same places elsewhere. guys i may have anxiety lol

self fulfilling prophecies, nocebo effect, whatever it is & regardless of what you want to call it, its rough. its hard. im tired. theres still so much left and im tired. i shouldnt be this tired. or this empty. or careless. what have i let myself become? why am i punishing myself still?

this coming month will dictate the rest of my future and ill have no one to blame but myself if i let the opportunity slip through my fingers. but if all goes well inshallah i can put this all behind me and start anew so theres that silver lining :D

i kinda lost direction of this post about half an hour ago lol. my point is im going to try harder at balancing several life aspects bc i really cant put it off any more. i need to establish balance because ive been out of the loop for too long now. *shudders in python*

anyways there are plenty of things i have to work on, both in my studies and life, so i have that going for me *party kazoo noises*

id love to grace you all with some wise words or a life lesson or something but i dont have a neat one liner to sum up anything. despite that im writing this because sometimes letting thoughts float in my head isnt enough, i need to articulate and write it out because to let them roam in the vast expanses of my mind under the pretense that i achieved something is frankly silly as it is counterproductive.

a n y w a y , to anyone and everyone reading take care of yourselves and your loved ones. i wish everyone the best in life and in their endeavours. i will probably pop back in every now and again to catch up on messages and make sure everyone is alive and nothing burned down. i will however attempt to exert self control. (key word: attempt)

aight imma head out before i get too emotional or combust with the need to say something stupid like i love you be more unserious XD

[crowsent]

a fuckton of things i want in da4

a few words censored bc tumblr will swallow this in the void if i dont. long ass fuck list ahead

a romanceable dwarf

more romanceable elves/qunari

more elf/qunari/dwarf companions

consistent writing for once

more nb representation

good hair. please just give me good hair options. give me long hair. give me luxurious flowing locks. give me braids. give me good fucking hair options

let me shittalk the chantry

dalish elf npcs that impact the plot in unique ways

dalish elf companions that are proud of being dalish

if it is set in tevinter maybe uh. maybe address the issue of systemic oppression (and slavery) of elves???????

a return of the friendship/rivalry system in da2 but improved. maybe instead of a friendship rivalry sliding scale its friendship/rivalry/animosity sliding scale. bc rivalry is more like. two people pushing each other to be better than they were before. friendly competition. hes an idiot but hes my idiot kind of deal. animosity would be just regular disapproval. i liked the crisis cutscenes in dai so high animosity would be the same as low approval and might make the companion leave still, but theres more variety with high approval. high approval “friendship” would be the “were best friends and we share many opinions and agree on almost everything” while high approval “rivalry” being “we disagree on almost everything but goddamn it youre my friend and ill follow you into the fade if i have to” so you can have a high approval with someone instead of being a kissass

actions and choices having consequences again

multiple endings again (epilogue slideshows dont count)

dialogue wheels with descriptions that match what you actually say

characters from rivain, antiva, anderfels, etc

gifts. bring back the gifts. i want to give my companions gifts

maybe. maybe a focus of non-andrastian religion for once?

let me shittalk the chantry

i know its a stretch, but maybe. diverse skin colours. please?

nd characters that are written respectfully and treated w dignity

please bring back the talent wheel from dao and da2

more bi romance options

more wlw romance options

more mlm romance options

ace romance options

nb romance options

background romances

let me shittalk the chantry

far fetched but maybe a polycule?

i lowkey LOVED the fast-paced feel of da2s combat so maybe bring that back in some form? maybe improved to mesh with the tactics of dai to give players absolute freedom of playstyle whether they want to be like me and rush into every encounter or play more strategically

companions with unique companion abilities

would be nice to explore cities

would be nice if the open world were a little smaller so it doesnt feel empty all the gd time

more mage spells. mages felt like just another class of fighter to me in dai. they dont really have any awe-inducing wow factor like in dao or even da2. if the narrative wants me to believe that mages are powerful and dangerous and that it takes multiple templars to hunt down an apostate, maybe show that? give me strong mages

remove the jump ability. its pointless

a narrative that addresses the oppression that the chantry and templars perpetuated please

bring back the attributes

make the choices in dai matter. mages governing themselves? i wanna see that

let me shittalk the chantry

please bring back the healing magic for fucks sakes

multi-class system between rogues and warriors?

multiple specialisations that feel like specialisations and not just skill tree+

player-only skill trees

hardening

companion quests that affect their abilities and further dialogue

actual morally grey choices instead of this stupid mage freedom vs templar oppression narrative that is in no way morally grey but is presented as such and thus leaves the conflicts and narratives set up by dao and da2 to be fucking meaningless

bring back the tactics

would be nice to have an origins-esque prologue again. maybe one that would determine future events in game just to give your character better narrative cohesion with the plot

an approval/disapproval system but for companions with other companions. bringing certain companions together may bring them closer or make them pissed off with each other which affects banter maybe quests maybe combat

give me a fucking mabari bioware. give me back my fucking mabari

day/night cycle

a nightmare mode where you have to finish the main quest on a time limit. it is absurd that dai expects me to believe that i have all this time to do wartable missions that can take literal real life DAYS to finish and still thwart corypheus’ plans in time. bullshit

that said. no more wartable missions. waiting for a countdown to finish isnt very fun

let me shittalk the chantry

kal-sharok. ive been hearing about it since dao let me fucking see kal-sharok

dwarven politics

politics in general. my fav dao quest was the succession crisis plotline in orzammar/the landsmeet and wewh in dai

npcs i can talk to. even with generic dialogue like in dao. makes the world more alive

using the environment to your advantage. far fetched but i would love to be able to pull down boulders if were in the mountains or freeze water to get to places as a mage

home base customisation but the customisation choices you make actually. mean something. and do something. or at the very least give more companion dialogue/banter/approval change

laconic and ergonomic codexes. like. sorted by what kind of codex it is, etc etc but then you just get a brief summary of the codex and the option to read more about it so i dont spend eternity scrolling through cards looking for a specific codex entry. cool aesthetic dont get me wrong but real irritating to deal with. also. maybe. the pc making comments about the codex if you do read more about it? like a dalish elf saying “they got it all wrong” when reading a codex about dalish elves written by a human??? that would a) give character to the pc b) incentivise people to actually read the codex to see what was so wrong about it c) summarise the codex for people who want to learn the lore but dont want to spent the entire game reading text

maybe have the merchants in your home base close to crafting stations so you dont have to take a fucking hike if you miscounted the amount of elfroot you need?

let me shittalk the chantry

avvar companion maybe??? interesting lore right there

bring back stat requirements for weapons and remove the class restriction for most shit. obviously a dagger would be better for a rogue than a longsword and a mage would do better with a staff than a sword and shield but its not about efficiency. its about the roleplay. its about the options. give me the option to make a mage with wildly inappropriate stat distribution

bring back sustained mode abilities

traps. bring back traps. bring back the option to stealth into an area, trap the fuck out of it, and go from there

have the three available classes in kind of a rock paper scissors scenario. warriors do real well against rogues who do real well against mages who do real well against warriors. so you can plan your party depending on who/what youll face AND how much their approval will change during the quest you take them on

let me shittalk the chantry

actually resolve the plot points introduced in dai

a more threatening villain. the inquisitor thwarted every attempt made by corypheus in dai. he was not threatening at all

queer characters. background, companions, etc. queer characters

mounts were meh in dai. maybe. make them faster? or less cumbersome? or have your companions on mounts too so theres still banter?

i liked the armour tinting. let me have armour tinting from the beginning

i would really like mages to move and attack at the same time bc lowkey standing in one spot is uhhhhhhh kinda boring

let me check companions friendship/rivalry levels

would be nice if the narrative acknowledged that elves suffered greatly at the hands of the chantry and stopped victim-blaming them

more taverns. specifically like tapsters in dao where theres a dwarf just reciting something in a language i cant understand and if you look its a ballad/poet about dwarven culture and that was a real nice touch let me have that

dalish elf clan. dalish elf clan that does not get murdered please and thank you

meaningful quests. more cinematic dialogue

make found gear / quest reward gear more valuable than crafted gear

game modifiers like in dai were real nice. i want more

let me shittalk the chantry

quests that can be resolved in multiple ways. like connors fate in dao. and for those ways to impact further quests

companions with varying moral alignments

companions that are mutually exclusive (like alistair and loghain) but are both good companions so itd really make you think

a pc that IS NOT a “chosen one” vanilla da2 is my fav dragon age game for one reason and one reason only and that is because hawke is just some random refugee who escaped lothering. no chosen one magic at all. just an ordinary person who is a real good fighter. and that appealed to me more than this “you are the only one who can do it” narrative

let me meet more elvhen gods

if the setting is in tevinter, GIVE ME FUCKING ARCHITECTURE. give me the high spires, the archways, the buttresses, give me statues lining city gates and magic infused into the buildings. tevinter is a land ruled by MAGES give me magical architecture. give me floating buildings. give me fire floating as orbs above the streets like lamps. GIVE ME ARCHITECTURE

SHALE

let me shittalk the chantry

PIERCINGS GIVE ME FUCKING PIERCINGS BIOWARE

more main quests, longer main quests

if it is set in tevinter maybe. maybe address the fact that tevinter has been at war with the qunari for a while? on and off war is still war. and maybe give us the option to influence the outcome of that war?

more voice options. instead of just american voice or british voice, do the thing in dao again where there are multiple voices of different tones to further cement the pcs personality

more armour designs

biased but uh. can. can taliesen jaffe va a character?

i already said qunari companions but specifically saarebas companions

blood magic

FINISHING MOVE ANIMATIONS

please do not let it be as long as inquisition. inquisition was a SLOG in later playthroughs

body sliders. what if i want a tall but lanky qunari? what if i want a buff as shit elf? body sliders

more eye options

let me call out companions

btw bioware. if you really wanted cullen to be a good guy. maybe handle his fucking redemption arc a little better instead of retconning all the terrible and creepy shit hes done in the past k thx

can female walk/run animations not have. so much swaying hips? no one moves like that

personality dialogue that affects future dialogue like in da2 but meshed with the wider range of emotions introduced by dai

keep the race/s*x lock on romance candidates like in dai. keep the fact that some characters can only be romanced by certain races or s*xes

nb and genderqueer options for the pc

cutscenes of companions interacting

ngl i lowkey liked the random encounters of dao so maybe bring that back

my fav quest in dao is the landsmeet / orzammar succession crisis questline but you know whats my second favourite? the rescue mission if the warden gets captured and you have to play as your party members. give me that again

more creepy/dark shit. dai was too lighthearted for me esp after da2 and dao

let me shittalk the chantry

broodmothers. in hd.

red lyrium broodmothers. in hd

companions with different backgrounds. different faiths. different statuses. different families. etc

maybe make the pcs appearance make an impact on the story? like how bull says he likes redheads, but even if you are a redhead, he says nothing about it????? maybe keep track of which slider the player picks so that can affect the story?

i love my inquisitors but maybe. dont. bring the inquisitor in as anything more than an advisor/npc in this game? let me fall in love with a new pc???

if theres gonna be a homebase like skyhold where youre not in armor. maybe give us better clothing?

a kind of gear skin mechanic similar to ac:odyssey where you can change how the gear looks but keep the stats. so you can equip that higher level armour and keep the look and aesthetic of your old armour and you unlock the skins/looks of the armours you discover/make so you can be both powerful AND aesthetic

i enjoyed the nobility/underworld/arcane/etc knowledge in dai unlocking more dialogue options so maybe keep/expand on that but make it more accessible by side missions or companions or something that isnt the abysmal perk system in dai

let me shittalk the chantry

customisable walking animations. does the pc walk straightbacked? slouched? with a swagger? please

since there will undoubtedly be an obligatory fade sequence, maybe have an option for nightmare demons that ARENT spiders. thank you

slap on subtitles and conlang some languages. i want to hear elvish. i want to hear tevene. give me the languages

more dragons. esp if they look vastly different

more bard songs

i am completely biased here, but i would like to hear laura bailey as a va for a character. preferably a voice option for the pc

hey maybe have the true ending actually included in the base game and not in a dlc (tresppasser cough cough)

better val royeaux

please remove the had to do it to em idle animation tis distracting

on that note, more idle animations. maybe some unique to companions?

very trivial but. unique stair climbing/descending animation

bring back talking to companions on the road. maybe with some dialogue that can only be said on the road???

if banter is interrupted, make like rdr2 and pick up where the banter left off

more vallaslin designs please?

if theres another formal scene like dai maybe. give us. decent clothing. or better yet, decen clothing OPTIONS. i wanna decide how i look in a ball full of haughty orlesians

mage vs templar conflict resolved and addressed please. it is NOT resolved in dai. what we got was sequel bait and a slideshow. resolve it please

let me shittalk the chantry

a pro-mage anti-circle circle mage companion like anders

religious person who doesnt victim-blame elves in the codex or in game or anywhere please

characters more like leliana who question the chantry and acknowledge its corruption and greed

unapologetically sapphic companion

idc if its tevinter i dont want to fucking see queer people being disrespected

a true tal-vashoth companion, one who escaped from the qun

have quest decisions affect whether or not a companion will turn hostile to you or not

if IF solas will be redeemed, please do the redemption arc right

more horn options for qunari

an apostate mage who doesnt use me for their personal agenda whilst hiding something from me (morrigan, anders, solas) thanks

i really dig the whole “leader of an army” thing dai was trying to go for. but you didnt actually. lead. anything. would be nice to have that option. command soldiers. send them places that affect further quests. would even use the wartable for its intended purpose. planning wars. battles. like. you get sent word that there are bandits harassing villagers. you can set up an ambush with your soldiers or confront them headon, and theres a new mini-location on the map like the manor you meet vivienne in where you can go deal with the bandits and depending on your choices, there are actually soldiers with you in a field, or traps in a narrow pass, or even in a city. id rather the wartable shit dont return but if they have to, at least this way youre not just waiting real life time for a bunch of text to appear

i am real fucking excited for the possibility that da4 companions can just fucking die on you. good shit. give me that angst

missions that certain companions would refuse to go with you to. you know. so you actually have to use other members of your party instead of the same 3 (three) people all the goddamn time

disabled characters (i want a character who suffers from the same chronic bad leg disease as i do is that too much to ask)

kinda touched on by the da2 combat point but let me do close combat damage with the staff

no multiplayer. and if there is a multiplayer, dont tie it with achievements

let me fucking explore weisshaupt

(i dont think solas will be the endgame villain of da and i dont think da4 will be the last da game but still) again. for emphasis. resolve the plot points dai brought up

full-body scars and tattoo options

companions and npcs changing their opinions about things over time. eg: a pro-circle mage wanting instead for circles to be abolished after a specific side mission or a main quest decision etc

keep the multiple companion quests. and maybe change what kinds of companion quests are available further down depending on choices made in previous companion quests

please for fucks sake give us more characters of colour

let me shittalk the chantry

[babysizedfics]

Poor roman :( but that being said I am heka interested in 5

remus humiliates roman in front of jamal (but jamal is a sweetheart)

vote from this concept voting post!

TWs: swearing, emotional humiliation, arguing, remus is generally pretty mean in this - not "unsympathetic" but his behaviour is not ok, brief alcohol mention but it isnt a main feature

first some background info on remus and ro:

roman and remus' friend groups actually run parallel to each other by pure councidence in that theyre the same age and are both in the local queer scene

usually they only run into each other on nights out and avoid each other like the plague... until one of romans friends and one of remus' friends become a very serious couple and the friendship groups merge

remus tends to hang it over romans head whenever they argue or remus just feels like teasing him that he could so so easily spill romans secret littlespace to all his friends

and while roman claims to not care he also really doesnt want that to happen, especially the specific things remus threatens to reveal (namely him calling his cgs mommy and daddy, and his fear of the dark - which remus knows are romans biggest embarrassments)

and remus never USUALLY actually follows through on his threats, he loves to freak roman out but he doesnt mean to be intentionslly cruel.

but one night theyve had an argument recently and remus is out to hurt roman and finally follows through on his threat to reveal romans secrets. in front of jamal

((the actual incident below the cut))

all the friends are walking back from a night out, and remus hangs back from the group to talk to jamal. roman is just glaring at remus and not saying anything and holding jamals hand tightly. remus hasnt embarrassed him too bad so far, just asking jamal questions and referring to roman as his "baby brother" which is so annoying, but the thing is roman can tell hes building up to something

then suddenly remus smirks when he sees a completely pitch black side street thats theyre about to pass by, and he calls out to everyone "hey guys, there's a 24/7 mcdonalds through here and its a shortcut to the bus stop" and everyones like WOO mcdonalds and redirects to go down the side street

and romans heart pounds watching the friends all filter down the street without a second thought, theres no streetlights down there, theres light on the other side quite far away, but before that its SO DARK. and he freezes in place and jamal is tugged back by it and looks back at him. "babe, come on"

romans starting to feel shaky and he literally cant move his feet. his eyes flick between the street and remus' sadistic cocky smirk.

"whats wrong baby bro? you stuck or something?" remus leers with that stupid stupid smirk

and roman HATES him so so much

"ro, what's the matter?" jamal asks

"i- um," roman stutters, trying to keep his voice from shaking too much at the sight of his friends just having DISAPPEARED into the darkness - how are they okay with that?? "i- im not hungry"

"okay well i am, and remus said it was a shortcut anyway so-"

"i-i -- no i can't"

seraphina, romans best friend, looks back and notices whats happening and quickly jogs over (knowing roman is scared of the dark) "hey roma, it's okay we dont have to go down there" she soothes

jamal is supportive but he doesnt get it. he thinks roman is scared of criminals or smth. "i promise theres no one bad down there, hun. and i'll be right next to you the whole time, i'll protect you" and he smiles and tugs romans hand to pull him towards the side street

romans eyes quickly tear up and he panics and rambles "nononono dont please please i cant i cant" in a broken voice and plants his feet firmly on the ground, paralysed with fear

remus starts cackling "ohhhhh thats right~" as if he just remembered. "my baby brother's terrified of the dark, isn't he?"

"f*ck off, re" sera barks, standing between the twins, protective of roman

"wait, are you?" jamal asks sounding surprised. roman doesnt let himself look at him, too busy watching remus warily and knowing thats not all he has planned to embarrass roman

remus goes on, shouting out to jamal over sera's head "he's petrified!" he confirms sounding delighted. "yknow that massive blackout last summer? he cried like a baby. literally sobbing for his daddy patton to make it go away"

theres a brief silence because no, sera and jamal didnt expect remus to refer to patton as romans daddy - they both know roman calls him dad but this is a surprise.

and that one second of silence drags on for ages for roman, all he can hear is his heart pounding in his ears and remus' obnoxious laughter

he is shaking, frozen in shock rather than fear now. for all of remus' teasing threats at home, he didnt expect remus to actually do it. hes devastated and humiliated that remus told to his best friend and especially his BOYFRIEND of all ppl

and honestly he's not even thinking about the pitch black side street right now because the streetlights on the main road are blurred by tears welling in his eyes anyway

"why dont you just leave him alone!" sera hisses furiously after her mild shock

then jamal bounces back rlly stern to remus "yeah i already know about that! roman told me and it was HIS choice to tell me"

roman stares at him in disbelief but jamal is too busy staring daggers at remus to notice

remus looks suddenly offended and frowns. hes clearly hurt that the others dont think its funny "jeez youre both such bores. im just having some fun"

"youre demented if you think thats fun" seraphina growls and shoves remus away towards the sidestreet. remus rolls his eyes and runs ahead to join the others who are all oblivious to that coversation, howling with drunken laughter in the pitch black and jumping out and scaring each other

"f*cking prick" jamal calls after remus, seething

sera quickly throws a concerned look to roman "you okay?"

roman just swallows thickly and looks between seraphina and where he saw remus join the others in the pitch black. his stomach churns at the idea of remus telling more people. "i-is he gonna--"

"im on it" sera nods and starts turning around "i wont let him tell anyone else, roma, promise" then she runs ahead to keep an eye on remus and to give him and jamal some privacy

after a moment jamal turns back to roman looking so worried and holds his hands and asks very gently "babe, can you tell me how youre feeling?"

and roman is teary but he whispers "i - you stuck up for me"

jamal looks suddenly sad and cups romans cheek "of course i did"

"but you said i told you about it. i- i didnt tell you that i-" roman gulps after his voice wobbles "i didnt tell you about it"

and jamal smiles sadly and goes "i know babe... im sorry, i just didnt wanna give him any more power. it seemed like he's held that over you for a while"

suddenly the tears in romans eyes overspill and he doesnt really know why but he can't stop them

jama gasps a little "oh roman, its ok" and just pulls him into a tight hug

roman clings and sniffles, glad that he can hide his tears from his boyfriend even if it is in his neck.

and jamal just strokes his back and whispers "its ok baby, its ok" **

they talk about it quietly as they take the longer, well-lit route instead. roman admits he would never have told jamal abt his fear on his own - and the reason he's been avoiding staying overnight at jamals apartment is bc the one time he did he got so scared of the dark that he couldnt sleep and was just anxious all night but wouldnt wake jamal to tell him

after jamal finds out hes like baby why didnt u tell me its okay and comforts him about it not being embarrassing or childish. then:

"so you do actually want to stay at mine, its just because its so dark that you didnt?"

roman nods shyly "yeah... im sorry i know its a dumb fear i just-"

"its not dumb ro. i meant to say if it works for you, we could leave the hall light on and the door open. its not like i live with anyone who can walk in."

roman blinks "wait you - really? it wont make it hard for you to sleep?"

jamal smiles softly "no hun, honestly i could sleep anywhere. i fell asleep in the middle of the day in the staffroom just last month"

roman laughs, so so so relieved

"so... maybe next time you come over for dinner you could stay the night, yeah?" jamal says with a smile and a blush. he wraps his arm around romans waist and pulls him in, hip to hip

roman bites his lip and blushes. after a moment he suggests shyly "im free tonight..."

and jamal smiles so big, stops walking and puts his arm up to romans chest to stop him too then angles romans jaw down to kiss him

in the near future jamal promises to buy a plain nightlight and always leaves it on for roman when he stays overnight from then on

**side note: roman could never stand anyone calling him baby before because he felt infantilised at school becaus of his undiagnosed adhd. so he sees it as a derogatory name more than anything. but when jamal says it roman feels so warm and respected because he knows jamal would never mean it in that way. so jamal has "baby" rights basically

[dragqueenpentheus]

Okay no one has to read this but i DO have to write it:

PYROC VS FATHER PAUL

Ya bitch needs an art break bc im getting angry about voices existing as i try to keep myself entertained. Today is NOT a god one for sinking into repetitive line work and that’s just about all i have on the table atm

SO! Im gunna do a little thinking about my little meow meows all fucked up by religion. Just a comparison for my sanity and interests. Pyroc is my baby i wrote him for the first time years ago. Five?????????? Whadda hell. Going on six.

ANYWAY john joined religion because of his trauma. His sister died and he felt lost. He was unmoored in this fishing village and looking for reason looking for hope. Hed had his heart broken and trying to make sense of tragedy on his own was totally beyond him. Thats why his interactions with riley in AA are SO good like. He knows that confusion and he knows the rhetoric that’s supposed to combat it. Only it dooesnt work for riley.

The same sort of thing happens for pyrc, only inverted. Loss urns him away from god and religion because its SO strong in his family and not only is he loosing trust in god, but his kin as well. He’s suspicious there’s mre they arent telling him, at the point of his fathers death. And he agrees to, on the surface, absolutely wholly throw himself in to being the second the family and the village need. But he’s keeping his treachery under wraps.

That’s one of the coolest things about father paul imo is like. That slow unraveling of what is. Frankly. An awful half assed plan, driven by fear and loneliness and desperation and dementia and love. Even VERY obvious things like. Taking down the newspaper photo of his young self ‘slip’ by him. I think, on some level, its DEEPLY intentional. He wants people to CHOOSE this. He wants people like bev. He wants people who see him and are in aw of him beating god. Of killing death. He wants to be worshiped and adored and for people to come to him willingly, no tragedy driving them to his arms.

Pyroc also wnats to be worshipped, but he ALSO wants to do the worshipping. He really longs for an element of almost????? But not quite??? Subjection?? He wants to be shown something and for a Great Voice to tell him, unquestioningly and unerringly that it is GOOD. Full stop. And then he wants to spend his life worshipping it. But this booko is an exploration of how….. no such thing exists. And more importantly no great voice exists either. There is nothing wholly good, nothing wholy evil. His lack of faith in himself once he becomes god is him starting to understand that as well. Thats on purpose baked into the lore. The starting point was ‘what if god was a position and in order to get promoted you had to be a murderer. No matter what’. He understands things are not wholly good, at that point. I onder how long it will be for him to realize they are not fully evil as well?

Bc pruitt does hm hm hm an interesting move. Where he takes something the narritve is very sure to communicate is EVIL no wiggle room just fact. Even if its driven by animal instinct its. Evil. And he makes it, not just good, but HOLY. And god i LOVEEEE that for him i ADOREEE that what a MOVE. Driven by desperation and dementia and relief and ‘if god saved me than maybe i can be good despite loving and sinning and maybe if i defeat god then i will be Thee Good’. SO sexy of him. Im really fascinated by his morality. He seems to have an understanding of the shades of grey in some respects??? But if he had a BETTER one with more forgiveness in his heart i feel like hed have left the church anyway after sarah was born??? Even if millie didnt ask him??? That might just be my own sensibilities creeping in but ….. like he culd have seen her on the weekends. He can do other jobs. Hes straight (??? Not totally convinced of this) he could have just dated her that makes me crazy. LIKE OBV HE HAD LINES HE THOUGHT THAT WOULD CROSS AND HE HAD INTERNALIZED THE CHURCH AND THE RULES AND SHE WAS MARRIED AND ECT ECT i know he couldnt have really but. Thye were straight. They coulda.

Im not gunna do fantasy homophobia bc i think its …………….. Boring. But i think some element of??? The vindlegaurd line MUST be passed along and for that particular rules must be applied. But thats also boring as hell :/ maybe i can work in my parthenogenesis lore?????????? I bet pyroc would love building that spell in any universe. That’s the sequal when he goes to magic university in helsin. But yeah i do like the concept that. Anyone can have a baby thru magic its just a time and energy commitment. Just a matter of wanting it enough together. Every baby is so deeply wanted and its mere existence is proof. Thats dope i love that. HMMM to be decided at a later date when im deeper into the story i think. I still havent figured out fully how and where and why orion is going to be invovled and if???? Pyroc and orion are even going to be romantic??????? Im torn im TORn…….

Thikns about john bonding w sarah over science and learning and starts wEEPING…. Like theres some surity beloved. Its just a matter of uncovering. I think sarah felt that same thirst for answers and hunted them differently. Her faith is in logic and science. I loveeee her god. Every scene w her and her dad absolutely RUIN me like!!!!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW LOVED SHE IS!!!!!! I hope at hte very end she saw the blood as the gesture of love it SO clearly was and not him trying to poison her. God i love that she spat it out. GOD. Thats about being gay, btw. Spits the religious offering that could save you across the gasoline soaked church floor like BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we as a collective should talk about the possibiites around sarah/erin more. Bc their defiance combined would be. Earth SHATTERING for crockett.

In the future pyroc gets a kid. Ever since that campaign where Enemy ended up playing his daughter im like. How did i NOT know this idiot wanted nothing more in the entire world than to travel it with his daughter. I dont care how or why hes getting a kid. Hed be so doting and awful abut it. He would need orion as a co-parent for the kids self esteem to be normal levels. thINKS ABOUT PAUL GETTING TO RAISE SARAH AND JUST ABSOLUTELY GASSING HER UPPPPPPPP HANGING EVERY DOODLE SHE EVER MADE ON TEH FRIDGE. BOASTING ABOUT HER SCEINECE PROJECT OT ANYONE WITHIN EYESIGHT EVEN THOUGH ‘WE K N O W JOHNWE WERE ALL AT THE SCEINCE FAIR’!!!!!!!!!!! Let these fuck ups be doting fathers im fucking begging. That scene where paul is like. You take ccare of everyone on the island sarah. Its more than being a doctor. You comfort them.

HM HM comfort is such a thing for Miss Bitch like!! He sees it as a Good Thing. He tries to bring it for riley by asking to hold the AA meetings on island ((also manipulation. Obvously also manipulation. I wouldnt have bene shocked if he was slipping the vampire blood into the coffee every meeting either. But thats just a theory. A game theory.)) ANYWAY he sees comfort as hly. The church gave it to him when he needed it. The angel gave it to him in the cave. Feeling safe and warm is HIGH on his list of priorities and what makes him hand over respect.

I think pyroc has lived a very comfortable life in SO many ways, but in none he. Activly recognizes. A key part of his character arc his him…. Opening his eyes to the world around them. Seeing the privilege he has and being like. Wait. This isnt Right. We have to change thi. And when no one agrees ti shifts to I have to change this. With Violence. A little revolutionary <3 it only costs the life of his whole ass family

Thats more fun comparison ground like…… paul is SO much about I know whats right and there is a cost but i AM ignoring it. Like HE KNOOOOWSSSS he knooooows he just doesnt want o See. I’m not sure if im going to surprise yroc with the ……megadeath of. His whole family. Or if it’s a choice he has to activly make. I think a choice makes it more compelling, more layerd. It has to be in the moment though, becaus ei think thats. A key difference between them. Pyroc wouldnt do it.. hed just leave hed peace out and do what he could in small ways. But he wouldnt do his big stand off with god. Hed shrink his goals in order to not hurt his family. Out of love?? Intimidation?? Some instinct wihtin him that balks at the idea of disobedience??? I think even he doesnt know. But i LOVE john becaue he jsut decides to lie. He closes his eyes and says i am being stupid on purpose. I think thats PERHAPS more compelling than good guy coward pyroc BUT!!!!! Thats who he is rip to ths little man. Cant change him now hes a whole ass child in my head. The PLOT i can change. Him….. not without massive character development <3

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MM set my brain on FIRE!!!! Im so glad nano is coming up. I love sharpening pyroc against the comparison of other AMAZING characters. Father paul hill my beloved millstone <3 anyway sorry to anyone who reads this its literally me unhinging my jaw and emptying my brain out. I had to write stuff that wasn’t novel or fic. A little character time down and dirty. I wil NOT be editing this love and light to future me trying to decode this

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[loisfreakinglane]

tscc, dark angel, angel

G A S P! SHOCK! A DEEP DIVE! lol thank you

tscc:

Favorite Male Character- DUDE THATS SUCH A HARD QUESTION suffice it to say this is either john or derek depending on when you ask, buuuuuuut terminator in my face i say john

Favorite Female Character- JESSEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Least Favorite Character- i. struggle to think of anybody i found bad or boring or anything???? oh okay you know what i have eternal mixed feelings about the character we know as eileen/alan/abraham and the weird choices around them. yeah thats all i got

Favorite Ship- derek/jesse my heart breaks and i am just a mess forevermore

Favorite Friendship- lmao there is no way to call it a friendship it is not a friendship but riley/jesse is so very fucked up in so many trillions of ways but god i’m obsessed with them......... also riley/john i would have fucking loved to see them have a real relationship, platonic or otherwise, their dynamic is SO GOOD and the possibility of their dynamic when they were both open about themselves.... fUCK

Favorite Quote- there are so many off the top of my head but like the biggest gutpunch to me personally was when jesse called derek out for his suicide attempt, asking what was he doing there when she found him and he just says ~i was waiting for you~ THO THO THO ALTERNATIVELY when they’re trying to get ellison to help program john henry and he says- you wanna teach it commands? start with the first ten.

Worst Character Death (if any)- uhhhhhh i think i like all of the character deaths on this show- i mean rileys death K I L L S me but i’m not angry about it and it was incredibly well done. dereks? maybe? i’m not actually mad about it but it was very abrupt. like i get it tho? OH WAIT I HAVE A REAL ONE friendgirl of johns who killed herself in the plotline that was never resolved bc of the writers strike. that was horrifying and ultimately we never even got a reason (beyond the obvious one they hinted at)

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment- what on this show makes anybody happy????? ever?????????????????????? uhhhhh. fuck. i mean the reveal about who riley is is SO GOOD i’m just always happy when the pieces slot together and we see new depth?

Saddest Moment- so many things on this show make me sob but like peak among them bc like you can feel your soul screaming bc you have no idea what could be done differently, when riley and john both ask the other if they’ve got anything they want to tell them, and they both say no they don’t EVEN THO THEY BOTH KNOW WHAT THE OTHER ONE WANTS TO SAY BUT THE ACTUALLY SAYING IT PART WOULD CHANGE LITERALLY EVERYTHING UGH FUCK KFUCK FUCKCCCKCK

Favorite Location- the stupid future tunnels where i want to see what happens next in the series finale FUCK

dark angel:

Favorite Male Character- uhhhhhhhhh even tho him being 95% of the tags every time i check have grated all of my nerves, yeah i still love alec the most when it comes to dudes

Favorite Female Character- max is a forever and ever and ever girl

Least Favorite Character- ames white. i don’t remember much about that plotline but i remember a lot of UGHS and groaning

Favorite Ship- cindy/diamond i’m mad forever I KNOW THEY WERE ONLY ONE EPISODE BUT ME/THEM FOREVER

Favorite Friendship- max/cindy eternally, the best ride or dies ever

Favorite Quote- fight the power, protect the downtrodden. blah blah, woof woof. ALSO max’s whole little once upon a time story about tinga...... :(

Worst Character Death (if any)- diamonds death was painful and i hated it and it was a dumb thing anyway. like at least she got revenge but MEH TAKE IT BACK I DON’T WANT THESE. worse character resurrection is zack they should have just let him stay dead instead of turning him into a robot (i like zack this isn’t a slam against him but it was an epic death for him) OH OH ALSO ANNIE FISHER she never should have died that was dumb and a waste of kandyse mcclure

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment- when cindy and max cheated the money off of those assholes and then beat them up, still in their itty bitty sparkly outfits and left with such flair :) but just also max forever........ cindy/max forever.......... mine own heart. 

Saddest Moment- when the show decided to make clones a thing breaking the whole internal logic of the entire first season aka them not knowing what the kids looked like :( I SAD

Favorite Location- i always thought the jam pony set was really fun. i love that the whole last episode was set there.

angel:

Favorite Male Character- angel, with a side called gunn or connor YAH I LIKE CONNOR I SAID IT YOU CAN ALL SUCK IT

Favorite Female Character- cordelia chase forever and EVER nobody else on planet earth holds a candle to her

Least Favorite Character- look i love christian kane i do, hes amazing in leverage- but man lindsey......... hes fine when hes snarking at lilah tho i’m with lilah in that groaning and screaming at wr&h being so blatantly misogynistic in preferring weak ass flip flopper lindsey over LILAH. also lindsey in s5 blew they should have spent the money they wasted on him and eve and adam wahtever and just paid for stephanie to be a main

Favorite Ship- cangel OTP ETERNAL

Favorite Friendship- angel/gunn is such a good dynamic that you can feeeeeel the show dropping (along with so much of their gunn-centric content bc they didn’t know how to write for him and never thought hm maybe we should hire some black writers)

Favorite Quote- it’s a cliche at this point and theres many great quotes on this show but it really does hit home- if nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do. cause thats all there is.

Worst Character Death (if any)- freds death is vile trash garbage and they should feel like vile trash garbage for doing her like that

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment- cordelia and angel falling asleep with baby connor between them talking about how to spend a big payday........ such marrieds content..........

Saddest Moment- ‘is that it? am i done?’ idk if this would have been a SADDEST MOMENT before glenn quinn passed away but it sure hits hard now. it also hits hard when they replay it in you’re welcome right before cordelia dies

Favorite Location- the hyperion hotel is one of my favorite sets in all of television. i just wish we’d explored more of it, and that they hadn’t ditched it in favor of that new wolfram&hart set, which was honestly very very boring to me

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

Hi!! idc which character but could I maybe get some like trauma comfort headcanonnons?? If not that’s totally okay, no pressure!! I hope you have a lovely day/night!

heck yea man

time to indulge y’all in my fantasies of someone comforting me when i open up to them about all the baggage i have 

mm.. i think im gonna do short headcanons for all four bmc boys because theyre just. my immediate comfort characters when it comes to writing

if someones interested ill do more hcs for the gals tho!

all of these are about opening up whoopsies

so uhhh lets start w the fact im not gonna try to specify said trauma. if i do, dont rly… put too much thought into it. but im gonna try to keep the event itself a blank slate.

jeremy heere

i think jeremy’s the kind of dude who like. doesnt know how to respond at first? like… when you open up to him, he’s more shocked than anything

not because you’re opening up to him (although he would always have a small ‘they really trust me, dont they?’ internal moment) but because of what happened to you

and to establish it: going into this relationship, he was aware of your baggage. you warned him the moment things started getting serious between you two, and you had never elaborated

but here he is, sitting next to you in his bedroom one hot, summer night in the summer between sophomore and junior year

and you finally open up to him, and he just… stares at you at first. it’s very nerve-wracking because you just kinda told him and you set out to apologize

when he just sorta. gently takes your hand and apologizes that you had to go through that

and he probs make a small comment that he’s glad you’re comfortable enough and trust him enough to tell him this since he knows from experience that opening up isnt the easiest thing in the world. 

and hes soft. theres no kisses to make things better, nothing more than him maybe holding you if you’re comfortable with it - because his stomach sorta dropped the moment you said what happened and kissing you in this instant would feel… wrong

he’s just very gentle. every move he makes with you, he asks you first for consent - whether it’s just him asking to hold you, or asking if you’d be okay with sleeping next to him again right after you told him all of this because sometimes reliving that sort of thing can mess a person up

more than anything, jeremys extremely understanding and gentle when it comes to comforting you. he might press a kiss into your hair, but that’s the most romantic he’d ever get at this time

michael mell

michael, on the other hand, is good for distractions. so you two are sitting in his car, driving aimlessly for a bit because sometimes, when neither of you can sleep, you go on quiet car rides together and maybe ramble or just listen to music

and something about that night made you want to open up. you ask him to pull over and he probably makes some small joke until he does so and sees the way you’re looking at him

and he listens. he goes dead silent as he listens to you tell him everything - which isnt like michael. usually he’s much more expressive, but here? here he’s just quiet. and he stays quiet until you’re through.

and i think he’d immediately pull you into a hug if he knew you’d be okay with it. and he apologizes over and over and tells you that as long as he’s here, he’s not going to let that happen to you again if he can help it.

and he traces circles in your back as he just holds you, and maybe you’re quiet or maybe you’ve gone silent and retreated inward - but he holds you nonetheless

and when he pulls away, he smiles at you and asks if you wanna keep talking about this or if you wanna just go back to riding and pointing out stupid signs around town or if you just want to go home

and if you want, he’s happy to distract you with dumb stories that happened in his classes last semester - and about how one of his professors seems to never be where he’s expected to be, joking about how he’s totally a cryptid 

and its sweet. he doesnt force you to open up anymore than you already want to, but theres this moment where he starts to go quiet because what you told him really starts to eat away at him

and he finally looks over at you and he just… he says he loves you. maybe he’s said it a few times before, or maybe he’s said it a million - but it feels so much more weighted in that moment that you probably start crying

and he pulls over again to comfort you and its just… really soft and sweet and good

jake dillinger

jakey d, the light of my life. i like to think that when he shows up to your apartment one afternoon, he’s sorta joking about how this is pretty early for a booty call yknow-

you just sorta laugh along with him, sorta forcing yourself to stay happy until you finally sit down with him

and he knows. he knows you’ve been through something because, like i said with jeremy, you would have told him beforehand that you have baggage.

and i think he, out of the four, is the most unsure about how to respond. because sure, jake broke both his legs and had to deal with the aftermath of losing his house and everything he had, and the squips and the shit that follows in a situation like that, but… he’s never hurt like that and he just doesnt know what to say

and i dont think he does

i think he probably literally excuses himself to the bathroom and immediately starts googling how to respond when someone opens up

and he probably texts his friends asking how should he respond when someone opens up to him about their past trauma

and when he finally comes back to you, he sees you’ve kinda broken down a bit because - fuck, how else could you really respond when your boyfriend has to leave because he just doesnt have a response and you assume that hes gonna leave you because of your baggage

and i think hes immediately in front of you, sorta kneeling in front of the couch and apologizing profusely because he left

and he admits that he didnt know how to respond because he didnt… expect that you’d open up to him like this

and then he sorta apologizes and clarifies that like… he just didnt know what to say

and you start to apologize because fuck, thats a lot to drop on a person-

he stops you. he gently holds your hands and looks you in the eye and he promises that this didnt change anything. you’re still you, and he still loves you - no matter what you’ve faced in the past. and he thanks you for trusting him. 

and he also just apologizes again because he didnt mean to scare you when he walked out - he was just… scared of saying the wrong thing, or not saying anything at all, right after you told him what happened to you

but he still loves you and he makes sure thats clear

rich goranski

out of the four, rich is probably the most equipped when it comes to trauma. hes dealt with a lot of shit and has gotten a lot of help for his shit and so he has a vague idea of how to like… respond, basically.

so when he finds you crying in the kitchen at three in the morning, he immediately knows something is off.

youve talked about things before. about having baggage, hinting at your past, but you never outright told him what happened to you to make you so distrusting of people, and so bitter about the most mundane things that feels like its destroying your friendships

so when you open up to him about what happened, hes quiet. he lets you talk and he asks you what you need right now - comfort, a distraction, ect - because everyone is different and he wants to make sure he’s doing whats best for u

and he’s more than happy to do what you need him to. he probably sits down across from you and takes your hand for a moment to tell you he’s glad you trust him enough to open up about this

because honestly, rich probably has had those talks before with him opening up about his own shit - mostly finally opening up about everything to therapists and them thanking him for being trusting enough to open up about this trauma he’s gone through

so its just… something he feels is right to do in the moment

and i dont think rich has 100% opened up about the squip to you at this point. hes been meaning to, and he wants to, but he’s talked about having some shit in his past and hes been waiting until he was ready to tell you - mainly whenever he was sure y’all are serious bc he doesnt just wanna open up to just anybody, yknow?

he kinda wants to be able to envision a future there

but i think ultimately this ends w rich and u going back to bed with rich holding you and sorta aimlessly rambling about how much he loves you like the sleepy dumbass he is

and its just… very soft

thats all ive got sfkshdf but thank u for this request it was nice to write something like this since idk i have a lot of fantasies about things like this

[someobscurereference]

oh ok so fun fact! u totally have multiple fe anons now! XD theres def at least 2 of us, maybe more tho. im NOT the anon from the last ask, but dragons gate idea! holy shit. this is the Dream Scenario, tell me more. like i think the trio would be way more comfy staying knowing they could visit home whenever they wanted. how do encounters with the other future kids go? i imagine that tho they bicker they actually care about one another quite a bit? do the royal sibs get shovel talked?

Multiple!!! Anons!! I guess I’ve been suspecting that for a bit now but it’s finally been #confirmed and I’m still as surprised as if it were day one, lol. I’ve been addressing some asks as though they’re all from the same anon when they’re probably not. Whoops! At least I can be more careful from here on out ;)

Dragon’s Gate Scenario (where the timelines between Nohr and Ylisse actually match up) is best scenario because allowing the Trio to visit their family and and friends without leaving Nohr behind makes my heart warm and happy. I agree that they’d be wayyyy more comfy with this ability.  (Also buckle up bc we’re about to talk about some timeline stuff right here)

I’m pretty convinced most the fe13 crew thinks the Awakening Trio is dead by now, tbh. Which makes me so sad!!! And I don’t want it to be true!! But from what it seems, Anankos showed up right when all the future kids were gonna split ways and was like “please save my kingdom” and threw a paper with where to meet (probably wraped around a brick or something and it nearly hits Inigo, lmao) and then he left. So Owain, Inigo, and Severa go off to check it out, but?? They probably didn’t except to be gone for literal years? Because it’s definitely been years. 

I think Selena makes some comment that implies she remembers Corrin as a young child but that feels a little too long for me/they still look pretty young in-game, so to me, the Trio has probably been in Nohr for like five (5) years or so? That’s just personal opinion. That number can change, but it’s for sure been years.

When they meet, Anankos is pretty explicit about the fact if they’re going to help him, they have to leave Right Now. No time to send a letter or say goodbye or anything. Instant decision. And the Trio makes the mythical heroic one, the sacrificial one, but at what cost?

It takes a month to travel from Yllise to the meeting place, so all the parents were probably expecting to hear back from their future kids after like a month. And then they… didn’t. 

Some of them probably keep hope. Lissa insists that she’d know if her son were gone, she’d feel it, and most believe that she thinks so but Maribelle knows she worries. And with how close Maribelle and Lissa are, Owain and Brady probably grew up together, practically brothers, and Brady’s doubts eat at him like a black hole and he cries practically every time he thinks about it, about the letters he’s never gotten, about the travels they didn’t get to have together now that the war was over, and Owain’s dead, probably, because of something stupid or heroic or both and Brady wasn’t even there to heal him, couldn’t even do that, so useless and—

Sometimes Cynthia sits with him and doesn’t try to cheer him up when he blubbers and at least once she mentions that they aren’t her kinds of heroes, but Owain always liked the type that showed up at the very last second. She’s kinda hoping he’ll still jump out at some point. Who knew being a lone hero was so lonely? She doesn’t say anything after that, and then Brady’s all out of tears. 

Olivia practices dances that require two people and waits for her grown son to come home, knowing he probably won’t. Her baby isn’t big enough to dance yet, and that’s amazing and she loves this little bundle of joy and the future she’s going to have with him that another version of her didn’t reach, but she still misses Inigo. Gerome wanted to live a life of solitude with Minerva and the other wyverns and he got it. He sees the other kids the least out of anyone and he knows better than to expect anything good out of the world even with the cruelest future averted, but even he sometimes catches himself staring at his open palm, trying to remember how Inigo’s hand felt in his own when the fool was trying to convince Gerome to come back in time, please, and then when Gerome relented, in the new world Inigo was always pawing at him anyway to come visit these women or that event and— 

Gerome has been stuck in the past long enough. He has to look ahead. His hand aches. 

Noire was friends with Inigo and Sevena both, and maybe she had a crush on both of them, maybe. Or at least the potential for a crush. Or something adjacent to one. She loved them both so fiercely, the way only dying things loved (because they were all doomed from the start up until they weren’t), and at some point it didn’t matter if she teetered on the edge of romance or not, she loved them. Inigo always flirted with every girl under the sun but her, but it never mattered because in the end she always worried over him anyway. He never learned. And she misses the way Severa would fuss over her too. Sometimes she still wakes up in the night and wishes Severa were there to guide her, even though she’s long since past any need for hand-holding or fussing. She still wants it. 

(Sometimes she makes a cake and wonders what Owain would have named it. The sugar always tastes sour those days.)

Cordelia knows better than anyone how greedy war can be, what it can take within seconds. The problem with that is that the war is supposed to be over, but she seems to have lost her daughter anyway. She’s broken her promise never to leave her daughter alone again. Maybe it’s fate; maybe Cordelia is always meant to be the lone survivor. She wishes a lot of things. 

Kjelle hasn’t touched makeup since the time Severa tried to teach it to her and she forgot more important things, like how to hold a shield. Sometimes she catches herself staring at the lines of kohl on other girl’s faces and wondering what Severa would have thought, though. Usually that leads to chopping wood and practicing stances for hours on end until she can’t feel her fingers anymore. Kjelle’s never been much for words or contemplation outside the material—what would this move do against that one, is her armor the proper weight still—but she catches herself wondering what Severa would say about trinkets in the store windows more often than she would like. Laurent and Severa have always been opposits, but it worked, somehow, for them, even if it led to bickering more often than not. She forced him out of his comfort zone, and he tempered her, or so he thought. Perhaps Severa would have matured naturally with age. Laurent can come up with a thousand hypotheses now, but he’s never going to know the truth. Not anymore.

And it’s not just them, it’s everyone. It’s Nah missing chasing Inigo around when she got mad at him, though she didn’t really mean it. It’s Yarne missing Severa’s perseverance, her constant push at him to do better. It’s Lucina missing her cousin, who she always admired with the imagination she didn’t quite have and the bravery she shared with him. It’s everyone. They all miss each other in a hundred different ways, and the Trio misses them and home like a drowning man whose adapted to the ocean but can still taste the salt. 

—

Uhhhh, that got sad, but anyway!! You’d bet everyone would be ECSTATIC  to find Owain/Severa/Inigo alive and well. There would be many a tear. Kjelle would probably punch something. Brady would try to yell at them but he’d be sobbing too hard to actually say anything. Nah would roar with all the power of the dragon she is, and everyone’s parents would hold them hard and not want to let go. Lucina would beam and Gerome would let go of the little string of tension that had been wrapped around his heart for the past few years and Laurent would have to compose himself and Cynthia would be doing flips, and you know there’d be so much yelling. So much. The story would have to come out in bits and pieces because they’d constantly be interrupting one another, on both sides. 

I’ve definitely been focusing on the sadder parts of this idea and not the happier ones, so while this answer is getting long, let me try to fix that real fast. 

There’s guaranteed to be a lot of fussing over the Trio, who are now like 5 years older than when they last left and maybe? possibly? still disguised with Anankos’ magic? Maybe also that vanishes when they step through the Gate. Unknown. What is also guaranteed, however, is how much fussing the Nohrians get when visiting officially as a mixed group of royals and the Trio’s BFs/GFs.

Xander charms the pants of Olivia, hands down. He’s genuine and kind and charming, and when his back is turned, Olivia looks at her son and blushes because hot damn. Inigo picked a catch.  Inigo sees her look and wants to sink into the floor, but she’s not wrong. Also he feels 12 all over again. Olivia offers to dance for him and Inigo wants to join in and he also wants to watch and he’s also too shy to want to dance in front of anybody, even just Xander and his mom, and it makes for an interesting visit for sure. 

Leo passes Aunt/Other Mother Maribelle’s Scrutiny Test, but Niles, for all the effort he’s putting in to make a good impression, probably doesn’t. Owain insists Niles isn’t really that bad, he’s loyal like nothing else, and that’s at least a benefit in Maribelle’s book. She’s still suspicious of his seemingly shady character and all the effort he’s putting into looking good for her (because the fact he has to put in effort at all is suspicious to her, and it would have been suspicious if he were a prince or a farmer or anything other than a thief turned royal retainer. The only reason she can’t pin anything on Leo is because he keeps pulling out obscure knowledge to answer all her probing questions and has only the utmost manners. She’s waiting for him to make a cultural faux pas), but Owain is grown now. He can make his own decisions.  Besides, if Lissa isn’t complaining, she can’t either. Lissa loves Niles and Leo both. Lissa maybe catches them unawares with the old “bucket of frogs over the doorway” trick, though. She hasn’t changed. 

Cordelia’s happy to meet whoever her daughter loves, so long as they give Severa the love she deserves and pretty obviously craves. Not that Cordelia can talk, since she’s been absent from Severa’s life long enough too. She just worries like any normal mother. That Beruka girl is a little stony, but Camilla seems to have enough love for the both of them combined, even if she is a little intimidating too. Cordelia is mostly satisfied. She tries to keep her back straight when they’re looking at her, though. She’s never been one to be intimidated, but she wonders how Severa’s been faring in the seemingly dark land of Nohr. Well, if Severa has people she cares about there, she figures her daughter must be doing pretty well. 

(P.S. I can do more specific reactions if there was something you had in mind! I’m not sure anyone would give a Shovel Talk because I’m not too much a fan of that trope? I feel like it disregards the agency of whoever the Talker is trying to “protect”. I’d say Kjelle might give one, but she might just end up admiring Camilla’s muscles instead. Henry might (for whoever you picture him the father of), albeit unintentionally. I think it’s canon Henry would do Literally Anything asked of him for those he loves, so I can see that fact slipping pretty easily into conversation, even accidentally.

The one most likely to intentionally pull a Shovel Talk move is Noire, probably. Against Xander, even though she likes Xander. Because Inigo never really did learn in the army, and she doesn’t know if Laslow’s learned anything yet. Probably not.)

tl;dr the Kids all Love each other So Much. They grew up together in a destroyed world and at the end of the day, they all know they always have each other, and the Trio being missing is like a hole in their hearts even when the rest of the fe13 kid cast are all on their separate travels

[allhallows-art]

Answer all the questions. Or the ones you want to answer! :D

oh boi ill try to do all of them

1. What is you middle name?

I could make up something cool like Danger or Thunder but it’s Grace2. How old are you?

16 although I’m 17 in april3. When is your birthday?

april 25th4. What is your zodiac sign?

taurus5. What is your favorite color?

I like most colours at different times. certain colours I like just for my hair, theres ones I like for my clothes, and theres others I just like looking at6. What’s your lucky number?

13 and 377. Do you have any pets?

a rabbit, a dog, a tortoise and three hamsters8. Where are you from?

blackpool, england9. How tall are you?

like 5′410. What shoe size are you?

6/7 (uk womens)11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

idk ive got like five in my room but way more in a closet somewhere12. What was your last dream about?

no clue13. What talents do you have?

I’m pretty good at gcse maths. also art, I guess14. Are you psychic in any way?

kinda. whenever I wake up and can feel that it’ll be a bad day, it usually is always a bad day. like real bad15. Favorite song?

anything from Tourist History by Two Door Cinema Club. its the only album I can listen to not matter what16. Favorite movie?

Jurassic park17. Who would be your ideal partner?

idk someone that appreciates me for me, enjoys my humor but can also tell when my “jokes” aren’t jokes18. Do you want children?

right now? no. in the future? maybe.19. Do you want a church wedding?

idk how I feel about weddings like lotta money and shit20. Are you religious?

nope21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yeah 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

kinda. I was at a party once and there were too man complaints so the cops turned up and we all had to leave. the person who had the party had to talk to the cops but I did too bc they were drunk and I was like the only sober person there23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

maybe idk do youtubers count?24. Baths or showers?

showers25. What color socks are you wearing?

none but usually black26. Have you ever been famous?

don’t think so27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

not big. i’d enjoy to have a little fame. like in the sense of a small following that enjoys the shit I do. like those popular tumblr blogs. being a recognisable blog might be cool28. What type of music do you like?

lotta stuff. grime street stuff, cutesy sort of stuff, indie, rock, pop punk29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

nope30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

two31. What position do you usually sleep in?

curled up or fully spread out32. How big is your house?

uh idk how big is your dick33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

nothing. no time34. Have you ever fired a gun?

no way35. Have you ever tried archery?

yep36. Favorite clean word?

indeed37. Favorite swear word?

fuk38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

like 24 hours maybe? idk I just went a whole night without sleep and didn’t sleep until the next night39. Do you have any scars?

yeah boi. from old scabs and shit40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

no idea. if yes then they were very secret about it. ive never had any sort of admirer. ive never had anyone properly like me41. Are you a good liar?

yea I do it a lot for the stupidest little things42. Are you a good judge of character?

idk43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

I guess I can do american44. Do you have a strong accent?

don’t think so45. What is your favorite accent?

Ü46. What is your personality type?

no clue. ask other people. you’ll get a better opinion47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

idk I dont really get expensive shit48. Can you curl your tongue?

yea49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie50. Left or right handed?

right51. Are you scared of spiders?

sometimes52. Favorite food?

chicken53. Favorite foreign food?

pizza54. Are you a clean or messy person?

messy55. Most used phrased?

I’m a mess56. Most used word?

lmao57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

10 minutes minimum58. Do you have much of an ego?

probably59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

suck until I get bored60. Do you talk to yourself?

yep61. Do you sing to yourself?

yep62. Are you a good singer?

maybe idk63. Biggest Fear?

being alone, friendship wise. and I’m currently living that fear64. Are you a gossip?

probably65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

idk don’t really watch shit66. Do you like long or short hair?

both67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuk no68. Favorite school subject?

art?69. Extrovert or Introvert?

both?70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no71. What makes you nervous?

a lot of stuff72. Are you scared of the dark?

not unless its a small space73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

maybe?74. Are you ticklish?

yea75. Have you ever started a rumor?

I once made people pretend this girl was dead so whenever she tried to speak to use we’d be all like “omg I can still hear her as if shes here”. we did that for a whole week and acted as if it never happened the next week76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

idk77. Have you ever drank underage?

m8 I’m british of course78. Have you ever done drugs?

nope79. Who was your first real crush?

Abraham Lincoln. and I’m not even fucking joking. 10 year old me was the best me. 80. How many piercings do you have?

just tiny ear stretchers81. Can you roll your Rs?“

yeah but terribly82. How fast can you type?

very83. How fast can you run?

depends what I’m running for84. What color is your hair?

purple85. What color is your eyes?

grey/blue86. What are you allergic to?

nothing, I don’t think87. Do you keep a journal?

I tried and failed88. What do your parents do?

mum does office job shit, stepdad is retired and my actual dad works in a biscuit factory89. Do you like your age?

sure whynot90. What makes you angry?

a lot91. Do you like your own name?

nope that’s why I use Aleks92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

yeah I have. its fucking lame. but I like stupid names like Wednesday or Ranger. 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

idk surprise me94. What are you strengths?

I can cry a lot95. What are your weaknesses?

I cry a lot96. How did you get your name?

Aleks came from a youtuber. but my birth name is from an actress97. Were your ancestors royalty?

idk98. Do you have any scars?

this is already a previous question wtf yes99. Color of your bedspread?

monochromes100. Color of your room?

greys

[thoughtsicantshare]

Update on my life

2/17/17

Hey guys! 

So it’s been a pretty long time since my last post. I’ve noticed that this will be the third post labeled ‘update’ so obvi I’m very original.

But where am I now? 

School: I’m loving school. I dropped Bio and decided that I just really do not want to be a science major. It was extremely hard coming to this decision, but I’m SO happy now. I’m taking a couple less credits bc basically EVERY class I wanted to take was full, so I feel like I’m slacking. The goal was to take at least 16 or 17 credits each semester, but that just wasn’t happening this time around. I’m taking 3 psych classes now: Adolescent Psych; Pscyh of Alcohol and Substance Abuse; and Reading and Writing about Psych.  I’m really enjoying the adolescent and drugs and alcohol psychs. They’re both really interesting and my professors are really great.  For the alcohol and drug class, we have to attend 2 meetings. They could be AA meetings or NA meetings or any other addiction based meetings. I went to my first one last week and it was awesome. The people were so nice and welcoming. It wasn’t much like I expected, but it wasn’t anything insanely different. I really enjoyed it and I’m excited to go to the next one.  Last night I actually sat in on a grad level psych class. IT WAS AWESOME!!! My favorite psych professor from last semester reached grad classes at another college near by and asked if I’d like to sit in. Of course I jumped on the opportunity. Idk why, but going to that class honestly made me love psych so much more. I whole heartedly believe this is what I want to do career wise.  I can see myself in this field so clearly. The second I left last night I wanted to go to another one.  So, I’ll most likely continue on the psych track w my major. I have to talk to the academic advisor about double majoring and majoring/ minoring bc I have the ability to do that as a psych major.  Work: I don’t think I mentioned this, but I work in retail. I hate retail, but who doesn’t. I’m not working too many hours because of school and because there just really aren’t that many hours available at my job rn.  I love most of my coworkers, but I really think I want to leave. I really want to see if I can get some kind of job in a day care center or something revolving more toward my field. I know I’m only a freshman, but I really want to get a head start in things pertaining more to what I would want to do in the future.  I’m still helping my mom babysit here and there when I can and I took on a little tutoring job on the side.

Friends: I love all my friends rn. The people I’ve met at school are honestly so incredible. Idk how I go so lucky, but I’m glad that I did. I’m still making new friends- I talk to someone new almost every day- but I have my core group too. One of my friend’s is going through a lot rn with medical issues and we’re really nervous it’s going to be something serious. So, I’m just trying to help her remain calm till test results come back and we know for sure what is happening. No matter what, Ik she’ll get through anything.

Theres this new kid I became friends with in the last month. He’s really sweet, but a little overbearing. We have a morning class together, the same break and then the same afternoon class together. So, we’ve been spending a good amount of time together recently. It’s nice to have a friend w me, but I used to LOVE that gap time to be alone. I would get lots of work done, or have breakfast, or nap. It was just a me time. But now he stays w me. Most of the time I don’t mind, but recently I’ve just been super annoyed w him. Like I said, he’s a bit overbearing. For instance, the other day I was exhausted and in a bad mood. I just wanted to take a little nap in the library and not do work for a little while. He came to hang out with me for the gap and I told him dude I don’t wanna do anything. I don’t even wanna talk.  He talked the entire time. And just repeated the same things over about school and our assignments. I wanted to scream. 

But a couple of us are thinking that he might have a little crush on me. I hope he doesn’t. Idk how I’d handle telling him no if he ever tried anything. I don’t think it’s anything major if he is crushing. But yeah, I’m praying that I’m over analyzing it. 

Love:  As we know, I have a super crush on one of my friends. BUT, we’re getting over it.  We’re honestly really good friends. Before I liked him, we were friends only. Recently, we’ve been together a lot and its always just a good time. He’s probably 1 of the 2 people I’m closest with at school.  An Ik, you’re probably thinking “ oh this is just bc you like him” but I promise, we are just friends.  I found a bunch of tuff out about him. As I said, we’ve been spending a lot of time together so we’ve been getting to know each other a lot more. We basically have a “no boundaries” policy. Unless we really don’t want to talk about something, we put everything out on the table. It’s really nice having that kind of relationship with someone else. I can say or ask whatever I want and 9 out of 10 times, he’ll answer it honestly and bluntly. No boundaries. Of course, there are certain things we try to keep private. We also have a “I’m serious I don’t want to talk about it” policy. So if one of us says that we genuinely don’t wanna talk about it, we don’t.  For a while I really thought he did like me. There were so many signs that pointed to that but now I really don’t think so.  Maybe there was something there, even if it was little, but I’ve decided to get over him. It sucks so much. I’ll always have those “what if” questions-- what if I just told him; what if he does actually like me and is unsure about how I feel; what if we could actually be something great and I’m giving up too early? These stupid questions keep fucking me up. I’m extremely annoyed w myself bc I fucking cried over him. I never let boys get me that upset, but I let him. I think that’s what’s really bugging me too. For a week or 2 I was super upset, questioning everything about me. And that made me so mad.  I’m strong, independent, and confident. I know my self worth! So why was a letting a stupid boy make me cry and question everything I believed about myself? 

But I think for now, it’s best we just stay friends. It’s hard but I am getting over him. Slowly. When we hang out now, I don’t crave him as much as I used to. I don’t crave his attention as much. If he mentions other girls, I don’t get as jealous.  I know I’ll always care for him, and I’ll probably always wonder if we could’ve been something great. But if it’s meant to be, then one day it will. 

But over all, I’m real happy! I’m loving my school still, loving my classes, and loving my friends.  Every day is extremely jam packed, so I’m constantly on the go. But I’m loving it! 

[fairycosmos]

most of the time i dont feel like a functional person. i have so many issues that all feed into my self hatred, i have issues at home, i have no one to really turn to... i fucking hate this. i feel like shit all the time. i hate what i see when i look in the mirror. i'm not good at anything. i'm a waste of space.

honestly i feel like you read my mind or smth bc this is exactly how i feel, too. and that's why i know that no matter what i say, you're still going to feel sad and it's shit and i'm sorry. i'm sorry that things are so crappy right now that you feel like you have nobody to turn to. there's a few things you can remind yourself of that sound like bullshit and maybe won't help immediately but it you let them sink in they might be able to help you calm down when it all gets too much -1. it's not going to be like this forever. i get that that doesn't change the way things are right now. but it can be kind of comforting to know that some of the best moments of your life haven't even happened yet. there's so much you haven't seen, so many amazing people you haven't met yet. so many reasons to just stick around. also if you're still in school, let me tell you that by the time you're like 24 it's all going to feel like you distant dream, none of it is going to matter. things change, and sometimes that can be a good thing. just hang on, let the future happen. you deserve to be happy. the bullshit is temporary.2. you're not alone. i know you feel alone. i get that. and maybe telling your family/friends about the way you're feeling isn't possible right now. if doing so will put you in danger or in a bad situation then obviously i can't recommend it. but those aren't your only options. if you're in school, don't hesitate to speak to the nurse/counselor. and if you're not in school, speak to your doctor and see what can be done for you. ik the idea might make you nervous but it's actually not scary at all, it's just chatting with someone. thats all it is. i can already feeling you rolling your eyes lmao and i understand that it's not ideal, but having someone to talk to can help a lot more than you might think. learning about yourself and your mind and about why you feel the way that you do is a good first step in moving past it. in addition to that, theres many independent mental health organizations that can give you the support you need, as well as hotlines you can call. i've called them before and they know exactly what they're doing. you're in complete control of the call and you can even remain anonymous if you want to. getting it all off your chest will help you breathe. don't disregard the idea until you've really tried it. mental health should be taken just as seriously as physical health. 3. all you have to do is take it day by day - you have an inherent worth simply because you exist on this planet. nobody can take that away from you, not even your own mind. and that doesn't change even if you're depressed or sad or down. take it all at your own pace, in your own time. this is your life and dealing with it day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute is all you're required to do. you don't have to have everything figured out. cut yourself some slack, you're still learning and growing and you will be for the rest of your life. you don't need to be okay all of the time.4. don't trust every thought you have - idk if you're diagnosed with any mental illnesses, but even having low self esteem can twist the way you see things (such as yourself, the world, other people) into something negative, into something it's not. your perception of everything is your window to the world, and when your mental state isn't doing so well it has a profound impact on your stream of consciousness, of how you see different situations. that's why you need to trust that not every thought you have is true, or means something, or holds any weight. learn to differentiate between yourself and your self hatred/anxiety. i know it's really fucking hard to ignore your own mind. maybe one of the hardest things in the world. but it's not impossible to know that not every thought and feeling is genuine. 5. nothing matters - this one is kind of stupid, but i do this when i'm feeling like everything is closing in on me. i remind myself that all of this is just a blip in the fuckin universe. we're on a rock in the endless vast vacuum of space and it's weird and cool and super super terrifying. there's billions of stars and galaxies and everything is so much more than just us, than humanity. my problems are tiny in the grand scheme of everything, and honestly nobody knows what they're doing or why we're even here. jupiter spins backwards and nobody knows why. the sun is going to swallow us eventually. donald trump is LITERALLY the president of america. nothing matters. anything can happen and we just randomly exist and we are all just trying to make sense of it, even tho we probably never will. obviously it's not good to think like this all of the time, but in really intense and stressful moments, it can be kind of soothing.6. the way you look doesn't mean shit - this definitely sounds like bullshit bc everywhere you turn people are going on and on about appearance and beauty and dieting and makeup. and it's taken me to long ass time to realize that it's all just a concept, that our outer appearance is a fleeting and short lived thing that doesn't hold much actual importance in the grand scheme of things. it's extremely objective and 'prettiness' means something different to everybody. look, you were raised in a society that literally profits off of people hating themselves. a society that pushes a self hating agenda just because it makes money. and it's true that when you're young people do focus on looks quite a lot, because thats the way they've been conditioned to think, and learning how to escape that mindset is a long but liberating battle. but as you get older and mature and learn , you start to look for a lot more than just a nice face or a toned body, and so does everyone else. because at the end of the day, looking good isn't the price you pay in order to exist on this earth. it's as simple as that. and when we're all 80 we're all going to be fkn gross anyway. so don't let the way you look stop you from doing shit. it really doesn't matter as much as your brain is trying to tell you it does. and sure you'll still have days where you feel insecure or uncomfortable in your own skin, but as long as you're making the concious effort to love yourself then you're doing just fine.7. you're going to be okay. good times don't last but bad times don't, either. it almost always returns to a happy medium. things turn out right a ridiculous amount of the time. you're going to be okay.sorry if this was dumb and unhelpful but i hope you're doing alright and i'm sorry it took me a few days to reply. you deserve so much more than what you've been through. please, please just keep going. just focus on getting through today. you can do that, i know you can. you're capable of so much more than you think you are. just stay alive. and PLEASE message me if you need a friend, i relate to you a lot. stay strong.