#and it feels less like he was someones important favorite nd more like most hated character

[ganondoodle]

im not lying when i say that i was just finally getting "over" totk, like i hate it still, but the immediate anger and need to rant has died down-

and then the elden ring DLC fucks with me in a very similar way, just even moreso focused on my favorite character in that entire franchise, completely unexpectedly, and the more i learn about it the worse it gets and now i feel even worse bc i dont have the energy anymore to get as angry as i did with totk and its just kinda ... depression and sadness ..

it was like the interest i could fall back to when zelda annoyed me too much or i needed a break from that and i was honestly thinking about doing more with it but now

i know i know i can always draw 'my own stuff' but being a fan of a piece of media or character is just fun and .. furfilling to me in a different way and now i feel so empty again ... and finding new things to obsess about is easier said and done bc i dont 'decide' to stop liking something and neither can just decide to obsess over something so im just kinda left hanging here ... and in a way, i still like it and care about it, frustratingly so, and dont WANT to just stop and find soemthign new ...

[riveir]

wishlist plots & aus.

i’ve been meaning to do this for a while but because i’m a person that really strongly prefers plotted interactions and also runs into problems with actually getting those more developed things going, i figured compiling wishlist stuff and stuff that comes from my own brain might be helpful. i’ll keep this linked in the pinned post if anyone ever wants to draw from it for a starter call or whatever, and to also make it easier for me to find if plotting ever hits a road block.

peace corps. this would technically fall under the umbrella of one of river’s canon au verses, the one in which he lives but is in the less realistic scenario where he rejects his parents’ wishes and goes ahead and joins the peace corps. this could be a really good way to get muses from two different canons / universes / etc. to meet, because the organization brings all these people together into one group sent to work somewhere overseas. river works as an english education teacher, and where they’re working can be totally open. could be used as mentioned before, but also as sort of a stepping stone for river to start a life beyond the states / open up opportunities for him that will take him away from home, etc etc. just a fun way to take him out of his usual settings and throw him in a new place under new circumstances, whether your muse is in the corps with him or if they’re just in the same place and they meet under different circumstances.

political dynasty. rather than holding a high position with goldman sachs, river’s father has an influential political position ( like a diplomat or foreign ambassador, which could explain river living years of his life at least somewhat abroad ), something that would put the family under a microscope on a national scale. could be a very kennedy-esque thing where politics is sort of just like the family business and river would be expected to carry that mantle as well ( which, obviously, he doesn’t really want ). this could go a number of different directions because the barkleys would be considered high profile individuals: bodyguard stuff, danger stuff, etc. i’m open to anything here, this would just be the groundwork to set up some conflict that would be more specific to your muse and their circumstances, since this is pretty adaptable on river’s end. i’d also be willing to write river older than i usually would ( as a younger adult ), because i think being nationally known would change his circumstances a bit and yada yada i can elaborate on that more if anyone asks, if we wanted to go the route where river himself is the political figure, probably a junior congressman or something. he could pretty controversial, as mental health advocacy and gun control would probably be two of his biggest agendas / two of the most important components of his platform.

modern royalty. similar to the above, but rather than coming from a political family, river comes from a monarchical family. obviously not based in the united states but could open up similar plotting opportunities as listed above. for one example he could still be attending a traditional university, and could open up opportunities for your muse to be a classmate of his ( as a friend sure but maybe there’s some benefit your muse could gain from making friends with him or something shadier like that ), or maybe you’re super annoyed that he’s there because like who cares about the royal family and why does he get so much attention, or maybe your muse knows he hates the attention and it gets to a point where he actually has to be fearful about it and there’s some way your muse can help him out.

fake dating. this is a jam of mine always. river could have several reasons of his own to be in a fake relationship, and this could work especially well in another au like the political dynasty or modern royalty scenarios, but it could totally come more from your muse’s end as well. it could also be a thing where river’s parents are trying to set him up with your muse if that would make sense, because that’s a very wasp-y rich people thing to do. 

period aus. this one is super open but river could work really well for this type of thing, especially because his family is so old fashioned in a lot of ways and very traditional in how they expect their family to be and how they expect river to be and all that. also could work super well for this letter writing plot i have in my wishlist tag.

ghost!river. this would have to be plotted for sure because the way river’s “ghost” canonically manifests is as an extension of the other person; he exists to give them advice or as their moral compass/conscience or something like that. it can be different depending on the muse, but he manifests at their own will and serves some sort of purpose for them. he’s more of a guiding force of some sort rather than an actual ghost coming back to reveal new information or anything like that. he wouldn’t do anything that the other muse wouldn’t think he would do, and wouldn’t tell them anything they didn’t already know. the exception to his in river’s canon is when the protagonist has a near-death experience and sees river in the afterlife and they have an actual conversation as two separate entities, and that could definitely be something i’d be up for, too.

champagne problems. this song off of evermore has enormous river energy. from the genius description of the song: “’champagne problems’ tells the story of a woman who shocks her would-be fiancé and their loved ones by turning down a marriage proposal right before christmas ... the song depicts ‘longtime college sweethearts [who] had very different plans for the same night, one to end it and one who brought a ring.’ the song implies that the protagonist has a history of mental illness, which the town subsequently stigmatizes in their gossip surrounding the failed proposal.” river could be either of the people in the couple for obvious reasons ( either the wealthy person from the well-to-do family all expecting the proposal, or the person who breaks it off and is subsequently - or, maybe, already is - the subject of that gossip ). the circumstances of the breakup can vary depending on the specific relationship between the muses: maybe they were really in love and had a great relationship but the influential family just had too much influence and pressure, maybe the stigmatization and gossip was a bit too much, maybe neither of their hearts were really in it and it was just an advantageous thing that appeased the big family but the other person ultimately just decided they couldn’t go through with it. as i am with everything i’m totally open here. it also totally doesn’t have to match the exact circumstances and can just be based on the general idea. ( in the same vein, here’s a link to some cool folklore-based plots )

apocalyptic danger. or to be honest, any sort of scenario that creates a life or death (or near life or death) situation for one or both of our muses. in all honesty i just love raising the stakes.

musician or actor river. even though it’s not my favorite alternative path to explore for him to seriously pursue acting or music as a career, it could open up some potentially cool dynamics that i’d be down with. maybe river plays piano in a bar or restaurant or whatever at night during college and your muse loves open mic night. maybe they’re doing a show together in college or maybe even out of college if i think it would make sense that river could get to that point in life. maybe river’s actually achieving some level of success and has some degree of notoriety. idk this is just an option that could be cool if we develop it enough ( cause like i said, without that development and specificity to our muses i’m not as into this route for him specifically)

childhood best friends to lovers. ( or some variation ). self-explanatory, just my favorite trope. some wishlist stuff here.

wishlist post #1: “i just want a plot where it’s two rich kids who live in neighboring estates and their families always throw parties together and they have vacation homes in the same spots and their elite parents are too busy to notice when they sneak off to fuck in that second guest bathroom that no one uses or get high in the back library and makeout”

wishlist post #2: “give me a we broke up because i had to move away because of school and we knew we couldn’t do long distance but oh my god i’m home for christmas and you’re still beautiful and we’re wine drunk slow dancing to the sound of elf on the television and you smell like hot chocolate and i miss you so much please don’t let this end again plot !!!!!”

wishlist post #3: “someone give me “you live in the apartment across the hall and you’re so fucking hot but i get so awkward around you even though you act completely normal and i stutter every.time. you’re out of my league anyway but then one night my stupid roommate locks me out and i forget my key and you see me sitting the hallway so you invite me in. and obviously i say yes but holy crap what is happening” plot pretty pls”

wishlist post #4: “au where it's a blind date gone wrong/really awkward first time/two people who just get off on the wrong foot but keep on running into each other and then slowly fall for each other”

wishlist post #5: “give me best friends who harbor feelings for each other . they’ve acknowledged the feelings but they don’t do anything about it , because the friendship is too precious . and when one of them is finally ready to say “ fuck it, let’s take the risk ” , they see the other making out with another person”

i also always just want more college things and things in pre-established canon universe aus ( all linked in my pinned post, but including hogwarts, gossip girl, legacies, riverdale, etc ). i’m also always down for plotting ships.

[madeoutofcode]

The Last of Us Part II ( Playstation Exclusive, Released June 19th 2020 ) Beware of Spoilers at the end. 

Overall ⭐️10/10⭐️

When the undead became popular in the early 21st century I was only a small child, who had yet to be grasped by its grimy hold. Beyond enjoying the Left 4 Dead games, and occasionally watching the Walking Dead, I never got into the genre. Growing up I was very much into Nintendo, from Majoras Mask to Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door. The idea of a deep compelling character driven story had never crossed my mind. By 2009 I got deep into shooters and Xbox. Halo, Modern Warfare 2, the Gears of Wars games. And rarely thought twice about character and story while playing, only enjoying the gameplay.

And in 2013 something piqued my interest: Naughty Dogs The Last of Us.

I had never owned a PlayStation console before, only getting my hands on the second one on the rare occasion I visited a friend’s house. But for some reason I was extremely interested in playing this game.

So, after saving up some money I bought a used PS3 and a brand-new copy of The Last of Us. And I quickly fell in love with the game. From its story, to characters, environment. This world taught me just how much of an impact the gaming industry can have. 

I’m telling this just so you understand how important this game was to me, and just how much of an impact it had on me, 100% influencing me going into this second part of the story.

Gameplay: ⭐️8/10⭐️

The feel of the game is phenomenal. I experienced few gameplay errors. Now I’m not sure if that’s a universal experience. There was only one small moment where I had to reset a checkpoint because of a wonky jump, but no progress was lost.

The controls if you have played the first game, will be like riding a bike. From crafting to combat to stealth. It is extremely satisfying movement for me, whether it’s simply exploring during a moment of peace or getting dragged into a fight for survival, running for your life.

While combat if gruesome gory fun, the game quickly beats into your head that direct confrontation is not always if ever the best option. You are constantly outgunned and outmanned. And during the first few sections of the game I was always low on ammo, health, and crafting material.

The game forced me to rethink my playstyle. And taught me that there’s almost always another away around a fight. Once I adapted to survival rather than fighting, I felt immensely satisfied sneaking my way past opposition or stealth killing the squad of enemies that’s been sent my way.

Traversing the levels, finding collectibles, and seeing just what other people have left behind or remnants of the old world was almost always my favorite part of the game.

With that being said, I think there were moments that dragged on. For me personally, I’d probably blame my refusal to stop playing until I beat the campaign. When I wasn’t working I would start up this game, up until I had to go to bed for work the next day. Because when things kicked off they went off and only reinvigorated my rush for the next story beat.

Graphics: ⭐️9/10⭐️

As gorgeous as this game is, my one gripe would be the constant rain and darkness, which does go along with the story, but I wouldn’t have minded some change of scenery. But from the lighting of the scenery to the places I got to explore, Naughty Dog is constantly impressing me with what they’re capable of, pushing the most they can out of the PS4’s hardware.

I won’t pretend I’ve always been a hardcore Naughty Dog fan, but my recent playthrough of their Uncharted Collection and less recent playthrough of Uncharted 4 has shown me they know what they’re doing and if they keep going this way I’ll have nothing but good things to say.

Conclusion: 

Now the story section will contain spoilers, I’m telling you now, and a few more times after this. But here are some final thoughts before hand, for those who don’t want spoilers. 

This game was a fantastic experience overall. I highly recommend both games to anyone on the fence about it, (though given sales I doubt there’s many people left who hasn’t played it), This game only cements my already solid appreciation for the Naughty Dog team, and can’t wait to see what project they move onto next. 

This has been KryptonDaughter, signing off.  

Story: ⭐️10/10⭐️ (WARNING SPOILERS. LIKE MAJOR SPOILERS. AS IN DO NOT CONTINUE UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SPOILED)

I’m giving you one last chance to get out, because there will be spoilers!

Okay. So here it goes. I’ve heard about how much hate this game has gotten. From review bombing to actual threats sent to the cast and crew, which is insane. I can understand not liking this story and wanting to keep your first game just how it was. But I respect the hell out of Naughty Dog for telling a very realistic follow up to their last game. By the time I completed the game the story meant so much to me, not only on a story telling basis but emotionally.

The moment Ellie walked into Joel’s house I became 100% invested in where this story was going. I understood her thought process and feelings perfectly. And knowing how badly she needed this closure but also knowing how revenge often goes, considering the world ND has built.

On the other hand the whole time I couldn’t help but think: “Joel probably did something to deserve this.” Because yes, you grow attached to both these characters through the course of the first game, but even then you get hints of Joel’s story and what he did to make sure he and Tommy survived to get to when you play as him in the first game.

I felt such a sense of humanity switching to Abby, playing out those days in Seattle knowing what happens to her friends as Ellie makes her way to find her. I couldn’t hate her character. I could be angry about her killing Joel but even then, when her backstory is unveiled, I sympathized with her so much.

I lost my grandfather growing up. He didn’t get killed or anything, he died peacefully in his sleep, and I got to hold his hand while he did so. But he was someone who wasn’t my father who taught me so much about taking care of myself, from cooking to laundry to driving. I could sympathize with both protagonists. I wanted to give them both that closure they needed.

Seeing Abby grow into the same role Joel had with Ellie, was wonderful. Finding out that killing Joel didn’t help her move on, and by the end of the game, Ellie finding out that killing Abby wouldn’t help her move on, was such a fantastic character story to follow.

I was a terribly angry, hateful person in my teen years, and couldn’t start moving for my loss for a long time. I wanted both of these characters to move on but understood why they couldn’t. And being able to see both stories through meant more to me than the last game.

This game by the end became one of if not my favorite game of the past few years. And I thank Naughty Dog for their incredible dedication and hard work on it.

[alwaysspeakshermind]

Top 5  Anti-Varchie Arguments & Why They Make No Sense

#4: “Varchie’s boring/predictable, love at first sight is so cliché(d).”

Love at first sight is so clichéd? Okay, sure, I’ll allow that.

I’ll even agree.

But think contextually for a sec: love-at-first-sight is so clichéd as opposed to what? The utterly original, never-been-done-before uniqueness of best-friends-to-lovers that Barchie and also Bughead, why do people who say they want to see a friends-to-lovers relationship keep forgetting Bughead’s in that category? represents? The novel concept of enemies-to-lovers that is Cheryl/Toni (and Veggie if you squint)? The dated-in-the-past-but-sparks-still-fly (Falice, Tom Keller/Sierra McCoy, Fred/Hermione) or misunderstood-outsider-falls-in-love-with-“perfect”-America’s Sweetheart (Bughead, and also Kevin/Joaquin, Kevin/Fangs)? 

Come on.

Whether it’s your cup of tea or not, a trope is a trope is a trope. There are only so many combinations possible when it comes to romantic dynamics, and since fiction and reality have both existed for a really long time, there’s no one trope that hasn’t already been done a million times over. So…what’s the point of harping on this particular one? Or any other trope just because it’s not your personal favorite?

Yes, Love At First Sight is the bread-and-butter of many fairytales and/or Disney movies. But it’s by no means alone in that regard. 

Best friends/childhood friends-to-lovers has been a longtime staple of books, TV shows, rom-coms, and musicals (Harry Potter, Kim Possible, 13 Going On 30, Phantom of the Opera, and Lion King all say hello), and so has enemies-to-lovers (27 Dresses, The Proposal, You’ve Got Mail, Tangled, etc.). I’m not even going to bother touching on the sparks-still-fly/loner-loves-”good” kid thing, because the first is the golden goose for Hallmark, Lifetime, an a billion-and-one romance novels, while the second is YA fiction in a nutshell. And if you’re one of those “I can’t help it, friends-to-lovers is my crack” kind of people, it might be worth noting that “Love At First Sight” is plenty of other people’s crack. Also, if your complaint against a trope you find overused is a valid argument, so is someone else’s. Childhood-best-friends-to-lovers may feel newer and unique to you, but it doesn’t to everyone. Some people are as tired of it as you are of Love At First Sight. 

And even if your claim is that “love at first sight’s not realistic/there’s like zero basis for it in the real world/it’s the exception not the rule,” that claim also extends to Childhood Best-Friends-To-Lovers and Enemies-To-Lovers. 

In the real world, the Best-Friends-To-Lovers thing is about as common as Love At First Sight, with the latter maybe being a bit more common, since the overwhelming majority of people tend to notice attraction within the first fifteen minutes of meeting someone and the overwhelming majority of childhood best friends grow up thinking of each other as a sibling. (Important distinction: when childhood best friends do grow up, fall in love and get married, they don’t tend to take until high school/college to figure out how they feel. They’re typically aware of it from puberty/slightly before puberty onward, and it doesn’t change because they already know everything there is to know about that person...they know if they’re attracted to them; they know if they’re not.) And both those tropes are more common in everyday life than enemies-to-lovers since, in truth, most people don’t want to have anything to do with the antagonistic person who made their life miserable.

So realism/unrealism? Kind of a shifting-sands argument. Especially within the context of a show that puts an ex-“gang” member in as sheriff and deputizes other “gang” members, one of whom is named Sweet Pea, of all things. I mean, if you truly feel morally obligated to reality-police Riverdale, there are far more pressing issues than the likelihood of two teens meeting each other one time and deciding within five minutes that “This is The One” (which is not even how it happens except for Archie, but still).

What it really comes down to is not the trope itself, but how well the trope is executed. 

In other words, it’s not what you’re given...it’s what you do with what you’re given. Every trope has been done many times before. Like it or not, that is an undeniable fact. Arguing that something has little-to-no value purely on the basis of its commonality is in essence weighting originality (theory) over style (practical application). To illustrate why this kind of thinking is a critical mistake, let’s put it this way: weighting originality over style is like saying Riverdale Season 3 is better than Riverdale Season 1. 

...Which, as even the most casual of Riverdale viewers knows, is not the case.

Is S3 more ambitious than S1? Yes. Does S3 contain more jaw-dropping plot twists than S1? Absolutely. Are there some damn fun episodes in S3? For sure. But guess what? S3 also contains far more plot holes, inane plot “twists” and contradictory developments/sheer why-are-you-trying-to-make-fetch-happen-with-this-storyline moments because S3 goes so hard for shock value/the unexpected, that it effectively lapses on execution and winds up with a more creative, but ultimately less-compelling finished product than S1. Moral to the story? Creativity is good, but devotion to creativity at the exclusion of all else is not. If a few predictable elements aren’t mixed into an unpredictable world (or vice versa), everything ceases to shock. On Riverdale, because things are always so wild, the biggest surprises are usually when things unfold normally/don’t go haywire.

Now.

Me personally, I’ve shipped every trope at least once. I’m in the habit of making myself set aside all preconceived notions when beginning a new show/book/movie, because I never know what, if any, ship I’ll go for. Historically, I’m about 50-50 on Childhood-best-friends-to-lovers—sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. Enemies-to-lovers—usually, I dig it, sometimes it’s a big, fat no from me, dawg. Love At First Sight however, I am overwhelmingly prejudiced against. And when I say overwhelmingly prejudiced, I mean that as a rule, I flat-out hate it. I find it stupid. It annoys me. I roll my eyes and make jokes.

But, here I am. Writing a bunch of long-ass Tumblr posts in defense of a fictional relationship that makes a direct play on the Love At First Sight trope.

So why are Archie and Veronica my huge exception? 

Well, for one thing, their relationship kicks off in a manner that is highly evocative of the comics. The instant Archie sees Veronica, all of time (for him) stands still. The one solitary thing he’s aware of from the moment she steps into Pop’s and he looks up is her. No matter what he’s doing, he ends up looking at her, and after a very short amount of time, the same goes for Veronica (though of course, she tries to play it cool). Regardless of how I feel about the cheesiness of the trope, the execution of the scene is fricking cute.

For another: it actually is an unusual trope, and I was surprised to see it used. 

Don’t get me wrong, the whole see-a-person-across-a-crowded-room deal is a cliché and it’s a million percent been done to death. But the funny thing is, Love At First Sight is such a clichéd cliché that it’s hardly ever used nowadays. By virtue of its extreme clichédness in fact, it has accidentally and ironically become fresh again because the second someone suggests it, someone else inevitably goes, “Nah, that’s too clichéd, we can’t do that.” In all honesty, I can’t remember one TV show or non-90s-Disney movie I watched in the last ten years where that trope was used over any/all of the other tropes available. I actually intended to make a list of the books/movies/shows I know of that have used the friends/enemies to lovers trope for comparison purposes, but it was getting so long with just the books section I ended up going, “Haha, no,” and scrapped that plan. (But for the record, almost every single Jane Austen novel is on that list.)

So, in summary: Love At First Sight clichéd? Yep. For sure.

Too clichéd?

Nope.

Certainly no more, and arguably less, than the other tropes Riverdale’s many ships adhere to. So if you’re not nonstop complaining about those other ships on the basis of the overdone/predictability factor, it shouldn’t be an issue that Varchie’s relationship is built around a recognizable trope that has been out-of-use by most everyone except Disney for a good while now. (Besides, some tropes are considered timeless for a reason.) 

And seriously, if we’re going to go down the Disney path, let’s stop a second and recall how many Disney Channel shows/movies in the last decade utilized Best-Friends-To-Lovers and Enemies-To-Lovers. Or hey, what about Nickelodeon shows? Or  maybe cop/CSI/civil service-type shows where best friend partners/partners who hate each other eventually fall in love?

Again, a relationship is not automatically made “boring” because it falls within the parameters of a well-known trope, and “predictable” does not automatically mean “bad.” If that were truly the case, no fictional relationship from probably the 18th century onward would have any popularity and/or critical acclaim. And if you try to argue that that’s just how it is for you personally: predictable/clichéd = boring, you should probably keep in mind that when measured by those standards, every single other ship on Riverdale is, by definition, boring. 

Every.

Single.

One.

Not just Varchie. 

So if you really are passionate about Riverdale not focusing on a “boring, predictable, clichéd ship instead of an interesting one,” you might want to take a break from griping about Archie and Veronica and start examining exactly how original those "interesting” ships you’re touting actually are. And if that’s not really what you mean, if you don’t really buy into the line you’re selling (i.e., you’re just using “they’re so boring” as an excuse to disguise the fact that you don’t like Varchie because they prevent your preferred ship from happening), you might also want to consider just being honest about that. 

Because when you build your argument around a point that encompasses more relationships than just the one you’re criticizing, it makes you look like you’re either extremely clueless in not realizing that your complaint also applies to your ship/other ships, or else a giant hypocrite.

[allpowerfulspacevalkyrie]

My Review of The Rise of Skywalker.

I’ve said this a lot. When I was a little girl and first saw Star Wars, I fell in love like most children. Especially with Princess Leia. At that point I was surrounded by Disney princesses who had varying degrees of heroics, but Leia crushed them. In the 2nd movie when I learned she was Force sensitive; I was over the moon. I got it in my head Luke was going to train her. I was sure she was going to rescue Han Solo with a lightsaber. Then the 3rd movie opened with her rescuing Han Solo. Then in an instant I was crushed. Not only is she captured but she was put into that sex slave outfit and chained. The movie ended without her ever touching a light saber. I wouldn’t be a fan of Star Wars again until I got to play a woman in Jedi Academy and then later with the Knights of the Old Republic series.

Spoilers follow.

So honestly, I’m biased as hell and a woman on the big screen with a light saber is really the biggest reason that I love the new Star Wars trilogy. I love Rey. Then in Rise of Skywalker it’s revealed that Leia had her own lightsaber and we get a glimpse of her using it. And you may be thinking, big deal. She learned to use the force and a lightsaber in the original EU. Yes, she did. The problem is that the wider audience was still caught off guard seeing Leia use the Force in The Last Jedi. There are fewer voices now, but there are people still complaining that Rey is too overpowered.

I wish TLJ had less white feminism, thank the Force for Rose. I wish she had a bigger role for this finale. I also wonder why Maz didn’t know someone to help with C3PO’s program problem. 

More wonderful women added with Jannah and Zorii, but I can’t help feeling they are only there to draw people to future Disney Plus shows.

I actually laughed at Rey deciding to exile herself and hide from her problems. True Jedi form there.

FINN IS FORCE SENSITIVE AND HAS NOW SAVED THE GALAXY TWICE! Then when he hugs Rey and Poe at the end, with the tears in his eyes. He almost lost them and loves them both so dearly.

For Poe, I wish they didn’t mess with his backstory for this (again, Maz could have worked). In ROS he has the most mobility and functionality and he felt like a more complete character than he has been in the past. Also, Oscar Isaac is just hot. 

I loved that Hux was the leak for his selfish reasons and I love that he was immediately killed, because that’s what slimy fascists deserve.

The lesbian kiss at the end of ROS was cheap and it looked uncomfortable for the actresses. Someone in the audience behind me said out loud, “That’s it?”

I really hate that Rey kisses Kylo. I really loved that she broke his ship and stabbed him. I still want her to be light side though. Okay so she healed him and he heals her back, but that kiss was too far.  Kylo’s been this extremely abusive asshole who tried to turn Rey to the dark side by telling her she’s worthless and will only find worth through him. Too many stories about abusive assholes getting free passes in romance. This is a movie directed at kids and it pisses me off that more little girls are being fed that same garbage romance story.  

I’m a fan of redemption arcs and I love the idea of people never being too far gone to be brought back from the dark side. One of my favorite Star Wars characters is Atton Rand who willfully participated in genocide of Jedi and never expects forgiveness because what he did was horrible. That said, I didn’t entirely like Kylo’s redemption. Adam Driver is a great actor, those final scenes were great. What they did with their Force connection throughout the story was cool, that lightsaber trick and that shrug at the Knights of Ren. But Kylo lacks a lot of guilt aside a bit about killing his father. Even Vader in his quick, spontaneous redemption has way more acknowledgement that what he’s been doing is wrong than Kylo does. I seriously doubt that if he lived beyond the end of the story, that his temper would have been so easily resolved. I doubt that he’d be friendly towards Poe, especially not kind to Finn, and everyone in the resistance. Not that any of them would have been friendly back.

Palpatine shouldn’t have been brought back. This Rey family lineage sucks and I would have preferred finding out her parents were really no one of importance. But they loved her dearly and they were forcefully separated. Still a huge deal and an allusion to our world of impoverished refugees and forced family separations.

At the same time though, all of Palpatine’s scenes were great. The Sith chanting gave me Old Republic feels.

And that massive battle. All those uniform, identical ships coming face to face with the diverse ships of the entire galaxy. That was amazing.

[undercoverwizardninjaturtle]

Golden Boy Part 1: A TMNT 2003 FANFICTION

Summary:  Things haven't been easy since Leo left, a once solid brotherhood built on trust and dependency is close to ruin, but can they save it in time? Or is it irrepairable now?

Fandom: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2003

Rating: T with mild Violence

Word Count: 2161

a/n I wrote this YEARS ago, so the writing style isn’t up  to date, but I wanted to see how it would do on here

 Don sat at his computer, he only had few more minutes before his shift started and he already dreaded it. He hated his job; it wasn't exactly a secret, as he tried to hide it. Milky told him many times he should quit his job. But he couldn't, they needed the money. And it was an excuse to stay up late, he didn't need it but it was better than sitting up in a chair and waiting for Raph to come home.  And a excuse to drink lots of coffee. Speaking of which, he glanced over from his desk to the kitchen where his heavenous elixir maker sat on the counter. Maybe he could get a cup going before-

ON cue he heard the door slide open, the sound of grunting and groaning followed by a large yawn. The careless cracking of a motorcycle helmet being tossed across concrete floor.

So much for coffee

Now was time for his least favorite part of the night

Donnie quickly turned away from the kitchen to lean back in his seat, even though he didn’t acting like he hadn’t been waiting up till 5 in the morning for his oldest brother. But it helped him feel less ‘motherly, "Hey Raph, where've you been?"

There wasn't an answer, Don turned to see Raph leaning against the fridge with his shoulder and arms crossed and facing Don. If Donnie didn’t know any better, he’d think that Raph was trying to emulate a bad boy from the 50’s. His eyes shifted over to him with barely a care, "Shouldn't the Golden Boy be in bed?"

Ah, Golden Boy. One of the less the affectionate nick-names Raph gave him. It was just one of the many ways Raph chose to show his anger nowadays. Don wished he could say that it was everyone he was treating like this, but it wasn't. Sure Raph wasn't tolerable to Mikey anymore either but it seemed that Raph was going out of his way just to tick Donnie off

Unfortunately, this time had paid off

"I'm getting ready to start my shift. I asked where you've been Raph."

The hiss of carbonation filled the air and a snort that clearly marked his older brother’s amusement. But Don took a deep breath, turning back to his computer to type on the keys, though any numbskull could see his screen was still home the home window. Therefore, his typing was obsolete, “I’m just asking there’s no law against it.”

“Whatever.”  The nonrelated response that indicated Raph had not heard a word he had said. But merely knew Donnie HAD been talking but decided his words weren’t worth the energy to listen to. That and the closing of the fridge followed by fading footsteps

Donnie wanted nothing more than to let him go,

But that’s not what Leo had asked of him when he had designated Donnie leader.

He spun out of his seat just as Raph reached the stairs, “Raph, please. You’re worrying everybody. Not even Casey knows where you’ve been going, remember him? Your best friend? “And by the third step he had reached the bottom of his stairs, “Raph come-on, and talk to me. I don’t care where you’ve been going but I don’t’ want you going alone.  I’ll go, I can help. Anything is better than staying up till sunrise worried to death about you, -“but his brother had already climbed the stairs, “Come on bro, please?!” he reached the second floor. For such a muscle bounded idiot he was fast (and deploying excellent ignoring abilities). The door to Raph’s room slowly closing after him, Don’s hand shot into the darkness, grabbing a hold of a muscle bound arm-

Pain exploded in the center of Don’s face, and the waves of copper filled his mouth. He stumbled back away from the darkened room as his shell hit the railing that kept the family from falling to the living room (which he was never more grateful for). His arm hooked up over the rail to keep from hitting the floor altogether. His free hand smothering the blood now pouring out of his mouth and the pain radiating from his head- his vision was filled with painful lights that indicated probable damage to his skull-

“DON!”  Oh now Raph was concerned. If the sizzling spilled soda running over his feet was anything to go by. A hand grabbed his shoulder, “Shit shit are you ok?! I’m sorry, shit; I didn’t know it was you. Ok so I knew it was you I just reacted-“

‘Just reacted’? Well, Raph’s ‘Just reaction’ left Donnie with an aching head and a hand full of blood. He pulled the hand away from his face long enough to check- oh yup that was a lot of blood.

“Shit, shit shit.” Couldn’t Raph say anything else? “Stay here I’m going to get the first aid kit.” He wanted to tell Raph not to bother, but with the sound of fading running steps he knew there was no point.

And he also knew there was no point in talking.

With his arm still hooked around the railing, he slowly pulled his legs underneath him. Forcing his balance to climb back up to his feet, he leaned over the railing for a moment, struggling with the pounding through his head.

He needed to get to work

One foot in front of the other, the railing only went one way and he knew he’d hit the steps eventually

His shift started in 5 minutes

His family needed that money…

Don’s shoulder bumped into the support beam that marked the end of the railing. Why the hell was he so dizzy? The steps felt like butter beneath his feet, but somehow he managed not to slip down them and wake everyone in the lair. Donnie’s hands gripped the railing for all they were worth (and since he had put them in, he knew what they were worth). His feet finally hit the ground floor. Great, now to get to his desk, the sound of rushing footsteps filled the air from the open hallway again. Sounds like Raph had found the ‘2nd floor’ med kit finally.

“Don?! Donnie where’d you go!?” Don could only roll his eyes, moving toward the back of the stairs, “Oh Dam there you are!” The footsteps hit the stairway. A hand slammed against his shell. But Don’s years of training sent him putting his weight forward and the sound of fingernails barely scraping his shell, “Don,”

“Go ‘way.”  Why were his words slurring so hard? He couldn’t work like that, but the alternative was talking to Raph and giving him attention.

He’d prefer to sound like a drunk.

“I have the med kit, just look at me so I can look at your head.”

What was the point? Donnie turned back to the screen his fingers moving with memory to log in his information. 2 minutes before his shift started, and he got penalized if he logged in late. He couldn’t afford that. Winter was coming up, and the lair needed supplies to be prepped for the cold. Especially for Splinter-

A hand gripped his jaw tightly, a slight tug said the ‘medic’ (Donnie wasn’t sure when they had switched roles) wanted his attention, “Dam it Don just look at me so I can fix your head. I brought your inhaler down, do you need it? I know it’s been a while-“

Though it ached his head to do so, he yanked his jaw free and leaned forward. Dam it, why was the screen so blurry-

“D-Dam it Don!” there was that voice again, grating the back of his brain. Adding to the already painful pulse going through it, “Dam it Don, let me help you.”

Help

Help?

A faint laugh escaped  lazily and dropped from his lips.

“What’s so funny?!” Donnie wasn’t sure how Raph pulled off ‘angry’ and ‘concerned’ at the same time without rupturing his tiny brain, “I didn’t mean to hit you I just reacted, I was half asleep.” oh really? He wasn’t half asleep when he came in, “Just say something, PLEASE. I’ll listen, I swear’ I will. Just tell me what’s going on, tell me you forgive me. Tell me you’re not mad.”

And there it was.

It was what was always expected of him

Everyone around him expected the same thing

I’m sorry Don

I didn’t mean to break it bro

It was an accident

Can you fix it?

You know I need my PlayStation! Please please! It won’t take long!

I know you’re busy, but I need this fixed before our next practice? It’s important

Common Don please help, please fix it

It’s important! You can spare your ‘precious time for us mortals

Donnie fix it!

I”m sorry Don!

Come ‘on get over it

GET OVER IT DONNIE

GET OVER IT!

“Go Away.” Donnie wasn’t sure when he had even spoken, but a cold silence was cast in the room, the hand that had been trying to yank his head in direction of his ‘ big brother’ slid off slowly. It was replaced by a grip gentler grip to his shoulder. Don could just feel the quiver of his brother’s fingers struggling whether or not to squeeze the muscles. Don knew this ‘Raph’. Torn between his own anger, confused by it to a fault.

Donnie knew how to diffuse him.

But the problem was he didn’t care.

Slowly he turned his head back; looking to the older brother he had so depended on. Donnie could remember the night Leonardo had left. That night he had been so taken by panic, the thought of all the responsibility weighing down on him. The thought of taking on two pivotal roles in the family at the same time, he almost hadn’t’ been surprised that he had an asthma attack. But Raph had been there he had come back from Casey and Aprils just in time. The only one to see him in such a torn state, he had gotten Don’s inhaler and helped him clam down, then had stayed up for hours talking to him. A lot of the night was a blur of oxygen deprivation, breathing into paper bags, and a hand rubbing his shoulder. Most of the words were lost with the expansion of time that followed. But Donnie could remember four words that Raph had spoken that night. Being pulled into a tight brotherly hug, they had stayed with him, every night since then when Raph kept his bitter tone and attitude, when he came home drunk and needed someone to get him to his own bed.

“I’m here for you.”

A hand ran back to his shoulder, a small whisper reaching him in a small act of desperation, “Bro-“

“GO. AWAY.” Donnie’s head swerved back over to his brother, it didn’t help the ache was crawling down his spine and neck. An unbearable throb that was spreading like the bubonic plague in the middle ages.

Amber eyes bore at him; desperation lined their normally angry spark that consumed them every day. They begged for forgiveness, they DEMANDED his forgiveness. They wanted him to say he didn’t care about the about the physical attack on his body, or the blood he still felt running down his face.

But Donnie didn’t care.

Slowly the anguish in his eyes began to fade, a glimmer following consuming them slowly. His lips curling and a small vibrations running across his throat. Blaze consuming his eyes and the sound of popping bones in a fist he had previously dented Donnie’s face. Don’s head turned back to the monitor, picking up the headpiece to put in place as he pressed a button on the side, putting him on duty and back to work. And also indicating the end of their conversation.

Something emerald green shot by his head, one of his monitors exploded into a frenzy of spark and lights underneath an angry growl.  A thick voice reaching his ear

“Just go and die already.”

Heavy steps stomped away. Retreating up the stairs and disappearing behind a slamming door.

The Lair descended back into silence and the air lifted up from the missing tension. Don could feel the buttons of his keyboard move ever so gently under shaking fingers.  He drew away long enough to rub his scalp, rubbing his mouth on the back of his hand to drain the rest of the blood, but a faint trickle indicated the still fresh flow.  His limbs heavy from sudden exhaustion

Maybe he could lay his head down for a moment

Just for a moment

Just to close his eyes.

Just before he started his shift….

Just before life took anything else from him

Just a break from being the “Golden Boy”

Here’s the rest that i’ve updated so far if you want to read the  https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10466046/1/Golden-Boy

[uswntpoet]

Love on the brain (Part 12)

Hey guys, this one gets a tad intense, hope you enjoy the chapter :D as always, sorry for any mistakes!

The chapter is also up on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17576201/chapters/42849599

“Guys do we have time to take a break? I really need to make a call.” Kelley asks stressed out. The meeting started really early in the morning and she hasn’t spoken to Alex for two and a half days.

“We really need to get this finished. It will only take a few more minutes. After that you’re free, if that’s okay with you?” one of the associates answers, distracted by some paper he’s reading.

“Yeah, sure…” Kelley answers defeated. However, minutes turn into hours and before she even realizes it, it got dark outside again. Kelley looks out the window of the conference room absentmindedly.

“KELLEY?” a loud voice yells.

“Hmm?” she says, turning her head quickly.

“Everything okay? I’ve been calling your name like 4 times.”

“Uhh, yes sorry. I just-“

“I know, we are tired too, but I know what will wake you up again.” one of her attorneys smiles.

“What will, Matt?” Kelley asks blankly.

“Tonight is the sponsor’s party! Good chance for you to talk to some people.” he says excitedly.

“I think I’ll pass on that.” Kelley grumbles.

“Actually, you can’t. It’s obligatory. They want to promote their product with this party. So you better put on a big smile.” Matt argues.

“Consider it done, Matt.” Kelley says, putting on a huge fake smile, which disappears immediately.

“I’m sorry, Kel. I know you should have stayed in New York, but this is a huge chance.”

“No, I know. And I really appreciate it. I’m sorry Matt. I know you had to leave your family as well. Thanks for your good work.”

“Don’t thank me for that. I’m happy to work for you and if I wasn’t, you’d still pay me.”

Kelley laughs out loud, causing Matt to chuckle. He’s happy to see her like that. Ever since Kelley arrived in LA, this is the first time he has seen her laugh, which is very untypical.

“I feel your pain. My wife wasn’t happy either, but you’re going to sort it out. You’re a good person, Kel.” he says, putting his hand on her shoulder and smiling at her sadly, before leaving the conference room.

“How many minutes until we leave?” Kelley yells after him, realizing that she is the only one in the room.

“Uber has been waiting outside for 10 minutes!” she hears him yell back. Kelley groans loudly, hitting her head against the desk, before jumping up to follow Matt.

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Alex is lying in bed, having a hard time finding any sleep. Kelley hasn’t reached out for more than two days, excluding the evening of their fight and it’s starting to get unbearable. Every single one of her thoughts revolves around Kelley and if she’s okay. Since she isn’t able to sleep anyway, Alex opens Instagram to pass some time. After 20 minutes or so, she refreshes the feed on more time, before meaning to close the App. That’s when Ken’s Instagram story pops up. Alex clicks on the button without hesitation and a video starts playing. However, she’s disappointed to see that it’s just a video of a party and Kelley isn’t in sight. Nonetheless, something catches her eye.

“Why is Ken at a BMW event?” Alex asks herself. She types BMW USA in the search bar and sees that they posted a story as well. The first video is showing the party and a few pictures of famous guests follow, which Alex taps on to skip them. After a few taps Kelley’s face appears on her display and she let’s out a deep breath of relieve, she didn’t know she was holding. Kelley looks really good, but also stressed and super tired, which she tries to hide with a gorgeous smile. A smile, which Alex knows is totally fake. It’s her media smile. The smile she perfected for days when she’s sick and has to do interviews or for the children, waiting in line for her to sign anything after lost games. A live video comes up, which was posted 25 minutes ago, showing a 360-degree view of the event and what Alex sees next must be some kind of sick joke. Her eyes begin to water with tears. The video shows Kelley standing at the bar with a drink in hand. Suddenly, a very beautiful woman approaches her and puts her arm around her, whispering something in her ear. Kelley looks at her and says something back, which makes the woman laugh in response. They then exchange a few words. Ultimately, the pretty blonde then leans in to whisper something in her ear again, pulling away and winking at Kelley. This time Kelley is the one to laugh, a genuine laugh, not a faked laugh and the video ends. Alex feels like throwing up and the tears are rolling down her face relentlessly. She locks her phone, not wanting to see the video again and tries to sleep, whishing she wouldn’t have opened the damn story. 15 minutes later, Alex’s sobs are interrupted by the buzzing of her phone. She blindly fishes for it and turns it around. Her heart aches when she reads the name on the screen. Kelley. Alex shakes her head and rejects her call, not wanting to talk to her. Just two seconds later her phone starts buzzing again, but she rejects it again. Kelley tries to call her non-stop and after the 6th time Alex picks up, but remains silent.

“Helloo? Alexx?” Kelley slurs. Her voice sounds totally drunk and desperate. Alex feels her eyes filling with tears again. The way Kelley is saying her name and her drunkenness making her feel sick to her stomach. Something must have happened and after seeing the video with the woman, Alex doesn’t even want to know.

“I don’t want to talk to you. Stop calling me.” Alex sobs and hangs up. Her phone immediately starts buzzing again. Kelley’s face appears on her screen, one of Alex’s favorite pictures of her, which she took herself. Seeing her smile only twists the knife, which is why she turns off her phone.      

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Kelley feels more and more miserable every passing minute that she has to stay at the party. When people talk to her or photos are taken, she puts on the best fake smile she can muster up, knowing that no one is going to notice anyway. After some very important socializing, she takes a break from walking around and sits down at the bar.

“What can I do for you?” a man in a tuxedo asks her.

“I need a whisky.”

“Would you prefer a specific brand?”

“Just pour me the biggest glass you have of the one that has the most alcohol in it.” Kelley says numbly. The barkeeper stops and looks at her for a second, but continues nonetheless.

“As you wish.” he says professionally. When the glass is put in front of her, Kelley takes a sip, feeling the liquid burn in her throat. She looks at the glass briefly and then puts it to her mouth again, downing it in one go.

“I need another one. And could you do me a favor and just keep them going?” she asks the barkeeper, who nods shortly. A few glasses later, Kelley still sits at the bar, drink in hand, staring through the room with dull, glazed eyes, her jaw tightened. She feels the alcohol kicking in and the pain in her chest starts to feel a little less heavy, as well as her thoughts, which begin to drive her completely insane. The taunting voices in her head getting quieter with every sip. Suddenly, she feels an arm around her shoulder.

“What’s up, not having fun?” the woman whispers empathically. Kelley looks at her and sees that it’s Linda, who works for BMW and initiated the whole sponsoring and partnership. Kelley gives her a tightlipped smile, a real one, but still one that looks piteous.  

“Yeah, no. Aawesome party, thankss Linda. But I reeally miss my fiancée. I didn’t leave on ssuch good terms. I think I ffucked up royally. Ssorry, that was inappropriate.”

She tries to sound as sober as possible. After she already screwed up with Alex, she doesn’t want to screw up the sponsorship as well. Linda laughs loudly.

“That’s okay. If I’m honest, I really hate those people, who pretend like they’re robots just because I made them sign a contract with me. You seem to be a good person, Kelley.”

“That’s the ssecond time I heard that today and I ccertainly didn’t act like it a ffew daays ago.” Kelley mentions with a self-loathing chuckle.

“I think you should talk to her as soon as possible. When my husband and I fight over long distance, it always gets worse without communication. I’m sure your fiancée will forgive you eventually.”

“Yeah…thanks.” Kelley smiles sadly.

“Okay and now go to your hotel.”

“Whaaat? Nooo, this par-ty is to promote the product, I sshhould be sstaying.”

“Kelley, I’m the boss here. Trust me, you should go.”

Kelley looks at her skeptically, which causes Linda to come closer and whisper into her ear again.

“These parties suck anyway, I’m just waiting to go home to my husband and kids.” Linda winks at her, when she pulls away. Kelley laughs loudly, throwing her head back, a genuine laugh, not a faked laugh.

“Thh-anks Linda. For everything.” Kelley smiles at her. Linda nods at her.

“The pleasure is ours.” she says, holding out her hand for Kelley to shake. Kelley stands up and shakes Linda’s hand, but before she can leave Linda stops her.

“I think you should leave that here.” she says, pointing to the glass in Kelley’s hand that’s still full of whiskey.

“Yyou’re right…I sshhould.” Kelley nods meaningfully and leaves.

“I think you saved her from an awful morning, Linda.” the barkeeper says.

“Oh no, that’s all you. Thanks for telling me, Parker.” Linda says to the barkeeper.

On her way out Kelley smashes into someone.

“Keeelley, I searched for you everywhere! How are you?”

“Ken!! Duuude, fin-ally yyou’re here. Wwere you able to-“

Ken holds up a box in response, which makes Kelley calm down. When Matt told her that Ken wouldn’t be in LA for another day, Kelley immediately instructed Matt to tell Ken to somehow buy her a new phone and bring it to LA as soon as humanly possible.

“Ken, yyyou’re a legend!”

“Kelley? Are you drunk? You smell like an alcoholic.”

“Alexx nd I got into a ffight.”

“Oh, so that’s why she called me.”

“Sshe called you? Duude, I have to get to my h-hotel room and ffind my SIM card.” Kelley slurs, pushing past him and jogging towards the exit.

“What? Hey Kelley wait!!!” Ken calls after her, but she is already too far away. Kelley sprints to her hotel room, which is further away than she initially thought. Much further. After a 30-minute spontaneous intoxicated marathon, Kelley arrives in front of her hotel room out of breath. She fumbles for her keys and opens the door hectically, starting to rummage through her stuff to find her old phone. After a few minutes, the new phone finally is ready and starts buzzing non-stop. Hundreds of missed calls and messages appear on her display, most of them from Alex and they’re not very happy messages. Kelley scrolls through them, reading things like: ‘I HATE YOU!!’, ‘You can sleep on the couch for the next year!!’ and ‘I miss you, I’m sorry.’, followed by ‘You can kiss my fucking ass Kelley O’Hara!!!”.

Kelley hastily dials Alex’s number.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up!!” she prays, but feels her heart sink, when her call gets rejected. She dials again and again, not giving up.

“C-ome on, Alexxx. Don’t llleave me hangin’” she slurs. That’s when Alex actually picks up, but all Kelley hears is silence.

“Helloo? Alexx?” Kelley slurs desperately, surprised that she actually picked up.

“I don’t want to talk to you. Stop calling me.” Alex sobs with a heartbreaking voice and hangs up. Kelley feels her heart tear into pieces.

“No, no, no, no.” she says, quickly dialing the number again and again, but Alex is not picking up. Just moments later her next call goes to voicemail.

“FUCK!!!” Kelley yells, knowing that she turned her phone off. She punches her first into the mattress repeatedly. She slides down the edge of the bed, pulling her knees to her chest. That’s when her body starts shaking, as the tears roll down her face. The voices begin to set in again. They’re getting louder and louder with each passing second.

‘You’re not good enough for her. Can’t you see what you did?’

“Stop it Kelley.” she whispers to herself desperately, but the voices keep on going. She puts her hands over her ears, the tears streaming down her face and dropping onto her shirt.

‘You hurt her. She’s crying because of you. Suffering, because of you. What can you offer her?’

“Fucking stop it!” she says louder, pressing her hands to her ears tighter. She closes her eyes and scrunches up her face in utter despair, rocking back and forth.

‘You’re stupid enough to think she wants you? She doesn’t even want you to call her! She’s better off without you, happier!’ the voices getting deafening loud. Kelley bites her teeth together.

‘What are you going to do next? Hit her instead of the wall? You’re dangerous. Get your temper under control for once.’

“NO!!! I won’t ever!!!! I will never do that!! I’ll change!!! Please, just make it stop.” Kelley yells loudly, letting out heartbreaking sobs.

‘Look at you. Who could love you? Drinking away your pain. You’re piteous, you’re nothing. She fucking hates you’

“STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!” Kelley screams earsplittingly, as if in enormous pain and suddenly everything goes black.

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Kelley wakes up with a jolt. There is hectic movement around her and she hears loud beeping. She gasps for air. There is a mask sitting on her face. Her eyes wander around panicked. Everything is blurry and the voices around her are getting louder and louder. She tries to focus her eyes really hard, so she can see clearly. Her breathing is speeding up and her chest feels like something is pushing a huge amount of weight onto her. She moves her arms to try to get rid of the weight that has been placed there, but her hands just feel her shirt. Where is this pressure coming from?

“It’s okay, Kelley. Please try to stay calm. I’m Dr. Collins. You’ll be fine.” an unfamiliar voice tells her. Kelley nods panicked, her heartrate speeding up. She can feel her heartbeat pulsing in her ears and her breathing picks up even more. The voices that were loud and clear just seconds ago, start turning into muffled sounds and before Kelley can say anything, everything turns black again.

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This time waking up feels a lot calmer. A soft and steady beeping and no movement at all. Kelley opens her eyes and after blinking a few times, she can see clearly again. She is met with Ken looking at her with pity in his eyes.

“Kel?” he asks carefully.

“Where-where am I?” Kelley asks confused and disoriented, her voice hoarse.

“You’re in the hospital.”

“What?? What happened??” she asks with a weak voice.

“I found you hyperventilating in your hotel room. I followed you, because I thought something was off. You had a nervous breakdown caused by sleep deprivation and stress. Plus drinking your own weight and not eating anything for over two days doesn’t really go together perfectly.”

“Jesus Christ.” Kelley puffs out, looking up at the ceiling overwhelmed.

“Yeah…”

“Please don’t tell me you called Alex.”

“I did.”

“Nooo!” she groans, closing her eyes.

“I did, but she didn’t pick up, her phone must have been turned off.”

“Jesus, thank god!” she exhales.

“I left a message though.”

“Ugghh, damn it! I hope you didn’t call TMZ as well.” Kelley jokes sarcastically.

“Kelley that’s not funny. What’s wrong with you? That’s not you.”

“No Ken, that’s exactly me.” Kelley says bitterly.

“What are you talking about?!”

“It is. That’s me without Alex.” Kelley says looking at Ken frustrated.

“No, it isn’t. Kelley, I know you for 3 and a half years and I’ve never seen you like this. That was brutal.”

“I know.” Kelley nods soberly. Ken throws her a worried look.

“Ken, I am nothing without her.”

“That’s such bullshit, you were someone before her.”

“Yes, I was. I was an empty shell. Always laughing, but never feeling it. I didn’t like, who I was before her and I don’t want to become that again. Because that’s who you saw. Someone, who doesn’t care, someone, who is reckless, someone, who does those self-destructive things. I know it may seem like she caused that. But, Ken, she didn’t. It’s her absence that caused that and that’s my fault, I pushed her away.”

Ken looks at her pensively. Kelley looks back intensely, stressing her next words with an urgency that underlines the importance of them.

“Ken, listen. This. Is. My. Fault. Do you understand?”

Ken nods understandingly, his forehead creased. The importance of what Kelley is trying to say sinking in.

“Before Alex and I got close, my mom regularly found me with those nervous breakdowns, because I just felt numb and I wanted to feel something so desperately. Whenever I had a breakdown, those voices started in my head, telling me that I was worth nothing. And when Alex and I got closer it stopped. From one day to the next, it just stopped. The last time that happened was when I was 21. This has never happened when we got into a fight. I guess, I thought I lost her for good and it triggered these old patterns. Ken, I know I found something greater in Alex, I found purpose. She gave me the strength to realize, who I was and who I wanted to become. So, I continued to work on myself and it made me a better person. She made me and continues to make me feel, which is something I didn’t know how to do properly. So, don’t tell me that this is wrong. You don’t understand what she means to me and how she makes me feel. She makes me want to constantly work on becoming the most perfect girlfriend, fiancée and hopefully wife in this entire world, because that’s what she deserves and that’s what she is to me. But there are days I will fail and I just had a few of them.”

“Well, sounds like I should tell the doctor you suffer from love on the brain.” Ken smiles.

“Yeah, that’s what it is.” Kelley smiles.

[chanzicoup]

A/N: I got this template from tenseoyong and I could not find the original creator to give proper credit to. I was waiting for someone to FINALLY request this for V. Like he's the most fatherly (?) of them all in my opinion!!! And he's all in for having 3-5 kids so don't even fight me there.

A = Announcement.- How do you tell him and the world that you’re expecting?

You didn't know you were pregnant until you were about four months in. It was rare but it happened for you two and you had felt no symptoms the entire time. He'd be so pumped for the arrival of twins but he's lowkey stressing because he feels like he has less time to prepare and that he "lost four months."

B = Books.- Did he read the books?

He doesn't read the books and he never will. He's more like a 'wing it' person so he'll go with the flow of things. Somehow he knows everything about the process of birth??? Did he study this before or something bc he really knows his stuff?!?!

C = Cuddles.- Who cuddles the baby more?

He definitely would. He's just so happy to finally have a little version of him and you running around. Whenever he holds the baby he daydreams about things they'll do together. Until he gets soft when it's time for them to go to school for the first time, leave for college, get married and oml take the baby away from him he's crying and smiling at the same time.

D = Daddy.- His reaction to being called Daddy and it setting in.)

You know that gummy smile? Exactly his face when he's called 'daddy' for the first time and it's not in bed ;)))

E = Empty.- Who goes to the store when you guys run out of supplies?

He would volunteer to babysit while you go out but when you come home with your arms full of bags he'd scold you for not letting him help. He didn't know you all needed that much and if he had known he would've went along to make it easier for you.

F = Feeding time- Who does feeding time?

He's all for it. Pretending the food is an airplane and the baby's mouth is the airport. Little plane noises and loud cheers when the baby eats well. All him.

G = Grumpy baby. - Who is better at dealing with a grumpy baby?

There are just some times a grumpy baby can't be calmed so you two go back and fourth to try and but your baby back to sleep while the other is doing something productive like cleaning, laundry, sleepinggggg.

H = How?- how many kids does he want?

"3 if we don't have time but 5 if we do have time" my ass. V wants at least five but that's probably not going to stop him from having more.

J = Jokes.- best dad joke?

Probably stole it from Jin but its, "What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!!!"

K = Kisses.- His favorite place to kiss the baby.

He kisses their hands while they are laying on their back and he's just tickling their stomach and they giggle so loud; it's just really cute how v and his children are so close.

L = Little.- How he feels when he holds the baby for the first time.

Literally his world freezes and all he can focus on is his first born in his arms; how they instantly stopped crying when the doctor put them in his arms, how tiny they really are, their hair, eyes, nose, mouth, their teeny tiny fingers and toes. He soaks it all in and he'll never forget how the baby looked. Not even when he is old and frail.

M = Mommy.- what does he call you?

V would definitely call you "momma" along with the baby but he'll bump up the couple pet name game a lot bc he falls in love with you more nd more everyday and the kids are absolutely disgusted by how much skinship you two do. Like V is always hugging you from behind and kissing your cheek and he'll kiss your lips when the kids groan how gross it is when he kisses your forehead. A smirk on his face.

N = Nappies.- who deals with the really bad diapers?

It's all a team effort. He'd act like a doctor in surgery, even pulling out a face mask if it was that bad. You'd hand him the diaper, wipes, etc. when he asked for one; like an assistant would. Lowkey it's just really funny watching you two do childcare because it's always fun for you guys and you make a game out of it.

O = Onesies- Who likes to dress the baby in ridiculous outfits?

He will make sure his kid is fly as hell, but you draw the line at a gucci belt. Why would a baby need a belt???

P = Pet names- names he calls the baby.

"Chubs" bc of their chubby baby cheeks that grandma's love to pinch. Each kid gets a new nickname, one that relates to their personality, traits, etc.

Q = Questions.- How many questions does he ask the nurse?

He wouldn't ask the nurse anything, the only questions he have he'll ask his own mom. She did such a good job raising him and his siblings why would it be different for his own child?

R = Rely- what is the biggest thing you rely on each other for?

(This one is always so hard for me to write for idk why but it is) Ok so I guess you both would want the other to side with you on how to raise your child? Let me explain a bit. Let's say you tell the kid 'no' about something but then the kid goes to v and he says 'yes' to whatever it is. You two want to be on the same page as the other and want proper communication through out the entire family.

S = Sleep duty. - who gets up when it’s really late at night?

Teamwork makes the dream work. You both would take turns but if for some reason one of you is sleeping through the baby's cry the one that is awake will so it. Let's be real one of you will wake the other up and plea that they do it.

T = Trepidation.- fears as a new parent.

He'd be really nervous about saying the wrong thing here and there and scaring the child in some way. He'd be looking at the big picture about everything, how his actions now could affect his child's future. He really just worries his child will be unhappy because of him.

U = Ultra sounds.- His reactions to the ultrasounds.

He points out the baby before the nurse does and she's just like "Okay no one ever sees the baby first bc it's difficult to see but I guess this dad has some super powers or smth" and he marvels at the photos for weeks, printing extra out just to give them to his managers, the other members, his family. And if it's around the holidays, the baby's first picture is being printed on to Christmas cards.

V = Values.- what is the most important value he wants to teach your child.

One of the many things he hopes his children take from him is that he doesn't want them to have to depend on anyone for anything when they grow up. He wants them to have their own backs and to be able to take proper care for themselves for when he is gone and can't do it for them.

W = Water.- Who gives the babe the baths?

Man V is in the bath with the babe in a pair of swimming shorts and washing his and the baby's hair simultaneously. He has no other time to shower since he's busy being a dad and a celebrity at the same time.

X = X-mas- what do you guys plan for the holidays?

It would really depend on how old your baby is or if you were still pregnant. If you were still preggers he'd prefer to stay at home, just in case the baby wants out. But if the baby was a newborn he'd also prefer staying at home, his first Christmas with his new family would be special to him. but if the baby was more like a toddler he'd go and visit your and his parents, letting his son or daughter run around with their cousins whom they only met for the first time that same day. Either way he wants to get professional pictures done and they are hella cheesy at that.

Y = Yelling.- How many fights do the two of you get in?

It's not like loud arguing fights but when you guys are mad at each other you guys only talk when you have to. It sucks for V bc he values communication but when the baby is there he doesn't want to argue in front of them. If the fight started in the beginning of the day most likely it'll end at night when the baby is asleep and you guys are talking quietly in bed, trying to figure out the source of the problem. He hates going to bed angry so it will get resolved or else he is not sleeping a wink that night.

Z = Zoo- How crazy is the house after the birth?

It's just a mess. Somehow there is baby food on the ceiling. Dried wipes are everywhere. Toys all on the floor. It gets even worse when the baby learns how to walk.

~Blake

[sonderisms-blog]

        ❛  Waiting is painful.                          Forgetting is painful.                                   But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.  ❜

Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand, {KAREN GILLAN}. No, that’s a mistake. It’s {AMELIA POND}, they are a {CANON CHARACTER} and come from {DOCTOR WHO}. They are {TWENTY-NINE} and I’ve heard they are {CREATIVE}, as well {OBSTINATE}. They happen to hold {THEIR} memories. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Lucky for us, {jinx, 23, pst, she/her & they/them} sent us proof.

Welcome to New York, what is your character’s name?

Amelia Jessica Pond-Williams. Though, she took on the last name Williams when she was transported back to 1920s New York because she couldn’t really legally hyphenate + it was a testament to how much she loves Rory & how she was willing to leave behind her old life with the Doctor behind. But she prefers to just be called Amy!

Where have they been pulled from in their fandom? 

Right when Amy & Rory make their exit in Doctor Who, in the Angels Take Manhattan. I imagine that she wakes up in her new life in this RP from that point. 

With the curse, how has your character’s life changed? 

Well, I don’t want to godmod the potential Rory player but if Rory isn’t in her life then that’s a major change ( though, I’d love if they were best friends who grew up together or something in the new life  ). Like in canon, Amy had the belief the Doctor was real but instead of him coming back, he was just a story. She still grew up the same way in canon, the weird girl who turned ginger bombshell who was a kissogram but in this verse ( to mirror canon ) she gets picked up by a modeling agency and moves to New York. As far as Amy knows she’s lived in New York for 10 years, now a successful science fiction author and currently working on a children’s book both illustrating & writing it.  Her life has changed because she turned her childhood shit into stories that have sold pretty well. She didn’t get married to Rory at a young age, she’s had quite a few years to develop who she is and live her life outside of Leadworth.  

With Amy’s memories coming back, to put it simply, it hurts. All over again. Remembering it all, losing it all, it hurts. Though not a drinker AT ALL, Amy has found herself doing anything she can to forget remembering, working on a much darker novel than her previous ones. It’s been disorienting because even though her life is beautiful & brilliant as it is -- it’s not real. The feeling of things not being real, the blurring of lines between reality & falsity has really done a number on her as she does deal with mental illness, worrying that she’s finally, properly, losing her mind. Frankly, she doesn’t know if it’s real, she doesn’t know what’s real, though she tries to be Amy Pond, this blurring of reality is something that scares her. Another feeling she feels is anger, anger about what happened to her in canon, anger about having to doubt her own mind all over again and a determination to fix this and/or find the person responsible. 

Do they have a job, and if so what is it? 

To dive in more about her job, Amy isn’t the most famous person around but she definitely has mild celebrity due to her early modeling ( a model turned scifi author intrigues a lot of weird fanboys that’s for sure ), her books are what has really launched any celebrity she has into something more recognizable. Sometimes asked to help host D list red carpet shows, etc. Amy is not Known Known but you find her face recognizable. She’s done a lot of activism as well for mental illness and the LGBTQIA+ & Queer communities as she’s openly bisexual so there’s definitely a funky little cult following she has and she’s fairly popular in Scotland as well as a hometown hero in her town of Leadworth ( something she finds HILARIOUS as they hated her for years ). 

Is there any other information about your character that members might find helpful?

THIS SECTION WILL BE FOR MY RAMBLING. Because where else am I GONNA DO IT??? I’ve been playing Amy for 5+ years now and I’m going to give y’all some insight on how i play her as well as how i see her. I’m watching an episode right now that’s helped come up with some of this as well. I’ll probably add more HCs as I slowly rewatch her scenes, etc. 

 A Sagittarius!!!!!!!!!! which literally fits her so well if you love astrology and Amy Pond, you already know!

One of my favorite aspects of Amy’s character is her empathy & intuitiveness. While sometimes lacking social grace and not always the best with interpersonal relations, she can see people for who they are deep down, their intentions, the emotions she feels like she feels from others often overwhelming but something that does lead her. A gut instinct magnified. She’s intuitive and empathetic because she’s got such an active imagination paired with a creative mind, she’s able to put those two things together, not only painting a picture of who someone is, painting colors on them they might not see themselves. Maybe this is a bit naive at times, maybe even a bit dangerous if it steers her wrong ( which is why Rory Williams is so important to her, her impulsiveness paired with this can get her into tough situations and he always has her back, always by her side ). Amelia is not always one to think before jumping into situations if she feels it’s the right thing to do, a prime example of this is her running off with The Doctor EASILY. Both as a kid and an adult. Luckily, not many have taken advantage of this as she can be extremely closed off emotionally. She’s a good judge of character and if she puts her faith in you, know while it could be surprising, it was a very much calculated, thought out, and a felt through choice. Amy’s extremely stubborn so good luck getting her to do something she doesn’t want to do ESPECIALLY if she doesn’t feel it’s right. Amy is usually able to connect to anyone and everyone some sort of way when she tries due to all of this, usually better with connecting to people than the ( Eleventh ) Doctor himself is. 

[ EMOTIONAL NEGLECT MENTION, ALCOHOLISM MENTION ] Verbal, straightforward, blunt, but it when it comes to her emotions, the ones that hurt, the ones that can’t be wrapped in something beautiful or lightly joked about are the ones tucked away. Amy’s got serious commitment issues as well, as shown throughout Doctor Who, that stemmed from the Doctor leaving her multiple times as well as never knowing her parents. I play her Aunt as a high functioning alcoholic, growing up she was never really home much less attentive to Amy ( also due to the whole crack in Amy’s wall thing, but, that’s a whole other topic ). For insight on how this effects her, I once played her in a multifandom at hogwarts rp where she was in a relationship with a character and they were really fucking cute ( I still rp them to this day w/ my friend ). But she was SO cared of this relationship not working out / losing Rory because he had just confessed that he romantically liked her, that she broke up with the other person ( who she had deep feelings for who never EVER would’ve left her ) because Rory meant too much to her, he’d been there through everything, the thought of losing him? Unthinkable. this isn’t to say she didn’t love them both ( polyamorous Amelia Pond ftw! ), or value Rory as much ( I felt pressured to go into canon as well so I had to find a believable fault/fear/issue to really sell this but I think there’s something to be said for this ), I don’t play it that way in THIS rp, of course. [ END OF EMOTIONAL NEGLECT MENTION, ALCOHOLISM MENTION ]

It goes to show that she will make fear based decisions as well as decisions based on her insecurities that she’s not enough, that she’s more pain than she’s worth, out of not being able to give someone she cares about what they need. For example, when in canon Amy breaks up with Rory because she feels so guilty she can’t have biological kids when she knows he ALWAYS wanted kids. She was scared if she stayed with him, he’d hate her, that she was keeping him from having a fulfilling life, that she wasn’t enough and didn’t fit into what he wanted. Rory deserves everything to her, she couldn’t give it to him, when he gave and gave and gave to her. She didn’t feel worthy, but she didn’t express that fear either, making Rory feel completely shut out because she was shutting him out. She’ll self sabotage easily, because commitment is scary to her and she’d rather be the one leaving than being left. Amy can’t stand to wait for the worst to happen, for the other shoe to drop, she isn’t the fucking girl who waited -- not anymore. 

Amy is diagnosed with major depressive disorder previously diagnosed with psychotic features added on as well until the Doctor came back but after having 4 psychiatrists in her youth, Amy definitely fits into having MDD. There are many evidences in canon besides her literally going to psychiatrists that suggest that Amy is mentally ill / ND, another hint in the episode ‘Vincent and The Doctor’. Amy empathizes with Vincent Van Gogh ( my Amy is an extreme art history lover as well, especially Vincent Van Gogh ), she says she’s been where he is, that she gets it. [ SUICIDE MENTION ] She is physically effected when he talks about dark shit and in another episode with the Dreamlord, she talks about how she doesn’t want to live in a world if Rory’s not in it, then killing herself in the show. The way she does it in my head ( and in the show ) is extremely steely, easily done, because Amy has dealt with mental illness, because she’s been in dark places & suicidal ideation. [ END OF SUICIDE MENTION ]  In this RP, she’ll also have been diagnosed and is taking medication because we stan healthy characters who cope with their mental illness! Even though she’s definitely having a hard time currently. 

Rory Williams really is everything to her. Her best friend, a love of her life, her partner, the only person who stuck by her side through everything. She never waivers in this love for him, even though she does have doubts due to her own commitment issues ( and regular issues ) but she doesn’t have doubts about who Rory is. She loves him. The Doctor is also someone she loves passionately, though she could’ve loved him romantically and often could see that sort of a future with him -- he’s completely unavailable and unreliable. If there’s one thing that Amy can’t do in a partner romantically it’s unreliable. Plus, after finding out her daughter was married to him in canon? She’ll pass. The Doctor is more like a twin flame sort of thing for her, a very kindred spirit. She loves him because in her little town of Leadworth, full of boring, sensible things, where she was the weird girl in town -- he was just as weird as her. 

 If I had to pick a Hogwarts house for Amy, it’d be Gryffindor. 

[aprivateplace7]

I forgot about this, so we’re in for a long post today.

April 7: Talk about autism in the media. Do you think that autism is typically portayed well? Badly? Is there anything you'd like to see more of when it comes to autistic representation? Who are your favorite autistic characters? Do you have any headcanons?

Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t personally pay much attention to that stuff, but from what I’ve heard most of the good rep is ambiguous. As in they don’t say they have autism, but they have autistic traits. Otherwise it seems like its played for laughs or something...

I definitely buy into the Peridot from Steven Universe and Midoriya Izuku from My Hero Academia as autistic hcs.

April 8: What are some misconceptions/stereotypes about autism that you hate?

Well I guess the biggest one is that only boys get autism. As a girl that’s stupid and it bothers me because it makes it harder for us to get the help/support we need,

Another big one is the infantilization of us. Some of us might have childlike mannerisms but that doesn’t mean you should treat us as such! We aren’t stupid or something...

April 9: How sensitive are you when it comes to touch? Are you pro hug or anti hug?

I’m pretty touch-adverse. Honestly, I can’t tell if its just me or if its because of how I was raised. My family isn’t exactly very touchy-feely. I can’t say I hate the feeling, but I’m so unused to it that I feel uncomfortable and awkward.

April 10: Do you have trouble understanding when someone is being sarcastic or joking?

Sometimes, yes. I get it with my dad, he doesn’t make it very obvious when he’s being sarcastic so I get confused. I don’t really understand things when they are too subtle or ambiguous.

April 11: How open are you about being autistic? Do you usually tell people?

I’m less open about this, because I’m not formally diagnosed I feel kinda like I don’t have the right...

April 12: Talk about social skills and communication. What kind of things do you find hard?

Eye contact is a big thing. Its uncomfortable for long periods. I’m also really conflict-adverse. I’m trying, because I know communication is important for healthy relationships, but I don’t like rocking the boat.

I also have a pretty small social battery, but I think that’s just me being an introvert rather than ND.

[flowerconcept-blog]

enemies 2 lovers!doyoung

kim doyoung........is your worst nightmare.......

you're a stylist for a male fashion magazine and your life was so easy before doyoung arrived ;(

taeyong the photographer is wonderful and sweet.... taeil the lighting director is an angel........  mark the props director is like ur cute lil brother.... sicheng the other stylist is basically a living teddy bear!!! and your regular models johnny, ten and jaehyun are hilarious

basically before doyoung you were all like a cute little family and you would all go out for drinks after every shoot and you miss those days

because one morning you walk into a shoot and.....taeyong is standing next to another guy with a camera?!?!?!?!?! why????! your world is turned upside down

taeil explains to u that because the magazine is getting bigger they brought in this new photographer, kim doyoung

u've actually heard of the guy! u've seen some of his portfolio online and he's a really good photographer so you're excited to work with him at first

until you send the new model yuta out in your favorite outfit of the day

and kim doyoung..... has the AUDACITY to say "what the hell is that top"

immediately ur up in arms like that's from gucci's 2018 f/w collection exclusively lent to us for this shoot it costs more than you're worth and you're blessed to even be LOOKING at it check urself

from that moment on, u and kim doyoung were sworn enemies

at every shoot.. every SINGLE shoot... the two of you start bickering because he has to run his goddamn mouth

it honestly astounds you how such a sweet handsome looking guy can be so frickin annoying

once he walked into work looking all high and mighty and opened his mouth to speak to u and u were like "i KNOW the sweater you're wearing is from the 2010 H&M collection don't even try" and haechan the lighting assistant laughed so hard he cried

but even when you destroy him so effortlessly he keeps coming back for more! aka he questions your fashion choices when clearly he should be deferring to you!!! as if you won't take him out for saying your miu miu bag is an ugly shade of pastel yellow!!!!!

and then he cooes over sicheng's outfits and ok you understand cooing over sicheng plus he's a good stylist but you're head stylist for a REASON!!! you're great at your job!!

not that you want doyoung to compliment your work though. you hate him

he bickers with other people too especially taeyong but he's the worst with you...... he just refuses to let you live….. you and taeyong have started having your own little pity parties over lunch when doyoung is particularly savage ;(

after shoot dinner and drinks turns into doyoung and haechan ripping into the whole crew.... which admittedly is pretty fun but you wish he would just leave u alone

mostly because johnny keeps insisting that the sexual tension between you two is ridiculous ,,,,,,,, and ten sits there nodding like johnny is Dr. Phil but it's not like you LIKE satan himself kim doyoung

it's not like you wish u could run your fingers through his hair to see if it's as soft as it looks....it's not like you watch him take photos with those elegant hands and think about holding them..... it's not like you've wondered whether that big mouth of his would be good at kissing.....

it's not like bickering with him is the best part of your day because of his unrestrained smile when you snark him.....and it's DEFINITELY not like you get jealous whenever you overhear the makeup artists cooing over him

because what would you do if doyoung started ignoring you and teased sunmi the hair stylist instead???? or worse, what if they started dating?? what if hes interested in one of them??

no.... it's not like you like him.... not at all

but johnny and ten keep pushing you and saying you do, which is driving you up the wall because more or less you can't handle the thought of liking doyoung when he so obviously dislikes you

you feel like you're in high school again, pining over someone out of your league, so even though you don't ACTUALLY like him at all you decide you need to get over,... hypothetically liking him

so you sort of..... pull back from bickering with him.... when he says one of your styling choices is bad you ask sicheng to redo the outfit.... of course you still can't resist calling him out for his bullsh*t every once in a while but you avoid him as much as possible

cause that way you will not feel any of the confusing love emotions that bubble up whenever you're around him! you can live in sweet sweet denial!!!!!!

ten nd johnny are like This Is The Opposite Of What We Wanted(that's what you get for being meddlesome assholes)

meanwhile doyoung......honestly misses you...... he misses having someone who can outwit him because his whole life he's been the snarkiest one in the room and people haven't known how to respond to him

but you ,,,,,,, you give him a run for his money, in fact you beat him in pretty much every argument the two of you have

and yeah haechan and some of the other guys are good at going back and forth with him...... but doyoung isn't hopelessly crushing on any of them like he is on you

the more you draw away the more he worries about you...... taeyong always points out when he gets distracted and glances over to you during shoots

but he can't help it! your pretty nose pretty lips pretty face pretty everything is so eyecatching to him...... he's a photographer he can't help but be drawn to beautiful things and he finds you unreasonably beautiful!!!

and he wants desperately to be able to talk to you again and maybe tell you about his feelings, but as oblivious as doyoung is sometimes he knows you're avoiding him and he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable

so all he knows how to do is keep trying to get your attention with his jokes and chatter and jabs ...... which doesn't really work

the dynamic shifting between the two of you honestly messes the whole crew up..... taeyong is always worrying over you and doyoung being okay and mark is trying to get doyoung to talk to you and ten is trying to convince you to talk to him and taeil just watches everything nervously in the background

except both of you are really fuckin stubborn so nothing happens

until things blow up one day

you barely slept the night before because your cat was puking and meowing all night and you spilled your coffee all over your new jacket this morning and yuta has been flirting with you since you came in and if he calls himself "your osaka prince~~" one more time you seriously might snap

but you have a job to do and you do it, working with sicheng to dress yuta and you shove him over to doyoung

who IMMEDIATELY looks yuta up and down and is like "this top doesn't go with the background of the shoot what r u doing" and its supposed to be lighthearted

usually you would ignore him but U Have Had Enough and you're so fuckin tired and doyoung is such an ASSHOLE and fuck you like him SO MUCH and why can't you get over it?!?!?!? and it all just explodes and suddenly you're in furious tears

and ur pissed off about doyoung ur pissed off about crying ur pissed off about yuta everything is pissing you off so u just shout "FUCK YOU KIM DOYOUNG" and stomp off into the hallway with everyone staring at you in shock

you kind of stand right outside the door shaking and scared because what if you get fired for harassment?? what the hell did you do that for?? you slide down to sit on the floor just letting all your frustration come out

so when doyoung comes out he finds you sitting there curled into yourself and you just sigh when you see him like "if you're gonna get me fired don't apologize"

and he's ?????????? because why should he do that???????? but that's not the most important  thing going through his mind as he carefully sits down next to you

"i don't want you to be fired i want to apologize. i know you hate me and i understand because i've been an asshole to you but thats because......"

he trails off and when u peek over at him he looks the most serious you've ever seen him, jaw clenched and eyes narrowed as he seems to pick his words

which is surprising because kim doyoung never thinks before he talks and then he says

"i like you"

and you think for a second youre hallucinating???? you can't help but laugh because is he just punking you??? is this a hidden cam???

but he's completely serious and his ears are red and you stop laughing in shock like "wait you LIKE ME????"

doyoung has the audacity to snort "of course i do.... i literally stare at you all the time how could you miss it"

u gape at him..... because seriously.... "are you a child?!?!?! do you think picking on someone is flirting?!?! how was i supposed to know!!!!" and he sighs and starts to stand up like "i know you don't like me back but i wanted to tell you. i promise i'll be professional from now on"

suddenly you realize you haven't told him you like him back so panicking you pull at his arm and pretty much just kiss him

which soon deteriorates into a pretty fierce makeout session with doyoung's lip between ur teeth and his big warm hands slipping clutching at your shirt and running up and down your sides until you hear a throat clearing....

mark is standing there awkwardly like uhhhhh we gotta uhhh do this shoot..... uhhh and u hear haechan holler "THEY MADE OUT" because he can tell from his best friend's stammering hehe

as the kid darts back into the studio you look up at doyoung's mortified face and finally finally tell him that you like him too

and honestly doyoung would traumatize his precious mark lee a thousand times as long as he got to hear you say those words for the rest of his life :'^)

that night after dinner with the gang doyoung takes you to a cute little cafe and you spend three hours talking about your lives and when he teases you it's lighthearted and sweet

that night you cannot help going home with him and not that you'd tell him this but Dr. Johnny Phil was right that intense sexual tension makes for an amazing first time

you both admit that you were unnecessarily hard on each other but doyoung doesn't hold back his opinions at work, and now that he's more respectful about it you actually really welcome his opinions.... he pushes you to do better and to learn more as a stylist

and you're the same with him! if he takes an ugly photo you tell him it doesn't work and he loves that about you

now that you don't try to rip each others throats out you're highkey the magazine's dream team and even the editor in chief compliments you on "your excellent collaborations"

yuta still flirts with you to get a rise out of doyoung but either you or doyoung basically just ruin yuta's life with a single sentence when he gets too touchy

lots of lots of teasing in private but now the teasing is accompanied by doyoung biting at the sensitive spot below your ear or leaving hickies on your chest and uh using his mouth in more creative ways..... if u know what i mean

you're the only person who can shut him up!!! 90% of the time he actually listens when you tell him to shush but the other 10% of the time he's just staring dreamily because you're so pretty when you're annoyed

and all the time

tells u how beautiful you are and how much he loves you totally out of the blue and you have to hide your face because you can handle him calling you the devil incarnate but not him calling you his angel

[foundcarcosa]

cxcv.

1) how would you describe your relationship with your mom/dad >> A woman bore me against her will, and left me as soon as I was free of her. Both the physical and the psychic umbilical cord were severed, and there is no going back. A man took on the responsibility even though he’d raised five children prior and was retired from employment and military service, even though these were his years and he deserved his years, even though it completely baffled him that a woman could bear a child to term and not feel subliminally attached to that new life. He did what was right, and his love for me was cognitive and pragmatic and as compassionate as it could be, and no matter how many well-meaning mistakes he made, that is the truth.

2) when was the last time you cried and why >> I actually don’t remember. Nothing has moved me lately. It is a problem.

3) whats your favorite/least favorite quality about yourself; why >> I am strange and my pieces do not fit. That is both my favourite quality and my least favourite quality.

4) do you smile at strangers >> Sometimes. Sometimes I do not. It is utterly random. There is no value judgement to be made based upon how often or infrequently I smile at strangers.

5) how often do people (not family members) tell you they love you >> Sparrow tells me with almost-alarming frequency. Can Calah tells me less frequently but with the same intention, I presume. It doesn’t matter. I would know it either way.

6) how is your life different now from two years ago >> I don’t remember. There is nothing in my memory that screams “this is 2015! remember!” I assume that in 2015 I lived at Vlad’s, in which case my lack of cohesive memory would make sense. I was rarely sober.

7) would you ever cheat on someone >> I have, which I assume means I would. But there is no need for that now.

8) are you a jealous person >> I am the inverse of a jealous person.

9) whats the worst pickup line someone has asked you >> I don’t know. Pickup attempts are generally uninteresting experiences.

10) do you believe in ghosts >> I believe that other people believe in ghosts. My own personal belief is unnecessary and unremarkable, especially if a ghost should visit me and debunk my belief to my face.

11) what are your ambitions >> I aim to not suffer. I aim to find joy in housekeeping, and not feel as if a lead weight has been chained to me, the lead weight of being too ND to ignore uncleanliness but also being too ND to do something about it. I aim to love Her in person, to live in Her and to worship Her and to not weep in despair when I think of Her (because believing in Her as my destiny is too much for even me). I aim to be a child’s guardian, not their disciplinarian or their jailer or their conditioner -- just their guardian, as they grow in whatever way is best for them. I aim to die well, and only a little afraid.

12) 3 deal breakers in a relationship >> Inflexibility. Sanity. Unclean habits and scrubbed-clean mind.

13) what is one thing you’ll never do again >> I would be a bigger fool than I already am to believe that there is anything in this universe that I will do only once.

14) whats your most bizarre pet peeve >> None of them are bizarre. Everyone has pet peeves. Everyone thinks their personal pet peeves are the most important and the most obnoxious. It is the nature of things. Brains are fuckasses.

15) what is your favorite memory >> Having memories is my favourite.

16) whats your zodiac sign >> I am an avatar of Air futilely bludgeoning Earth, scornfully treading Water, pretending to hate Fire.

17) what ‘small things’ things terrify you >> Death is small, but it is the biggest thing to a being painfully aware of its mortality. Death is even smaller to a being painfully aware of its immortality. And yet, it holds such sway...

18) do you like your laugh >> I like laughing. The sound that it makes is irrelevant to me.

19) have you ever stalked someone/been stalked >> I don’t stalk. I don’t know if I’ve ever been stalked, which means that any stalkers I have had were very smart. I only attract the best.

20) do you feel loved >> By Can Calah, yes. But Can Calah is a literal part of me. That is as far as my empathetic skills extend. I must trust that others love me when they say they do, which is a much more interesting proposition.

[girlfricnd]

1-85?

1. Are looks important in a relationship? okay they aren't important but they are definitely something u notice when u first meet the person
2. Are relationships ever worth it? of course depending on what u want!
3. Are you a virgin? nope
4. Are you in a relationship? nope
5. Are you in love? nope
6. Are you single this year? yes
7. Can you commit to one person? yes 
8. Describe your crush - ok like, its not a crush but like..... hes a good one
9. Describe your perfect mate - someone whos down for me 
10. Do you believe in love at first sight? infatuation maybe
11. Do you ever want to get married? leaning towards no
12. Do you forgive betrayal? not easily
13. Do you get jealous easily? hah, yes
14. Do you have a crush on anyone? kinda no yes
15. Do you have any piercings? yes ears
16. Do you have any tattoos? no 
17. Do you like kissing in public? i think i would
20. Do you shower every day? yes yes i have to always sometimes 2x
21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? i mean i honestly dont know
22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? idk
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? uh,, ,,, yes
24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? no
25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? maybe idk not atm
26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? yes
27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? no
28. Have you ever been cheated on? no 
29. Have you ever cheated on someone? no 
30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? no 
31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? yes
32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? no
33. Have you ever had sex with a man? yes
34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? no 
35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? yes
36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? yes
37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? no 
38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? oh yes
39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? no i dont think so
40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? no
41. Have you had sex so far this year? yes
42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? hmmmmm approx less than 2 mins
43. How long was your longest relationship? 5 months
44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 1
45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? none
46. How many times did you have sex last year? 0
47. How old are you? 16
48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? good for you
49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? i do not but jus him in general is wow 
50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? didnt have one
51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? my best friends
52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? yes um an ex friend of mine i dont ever want to associate w her she was not good to my friends and i dont forgive her. not sorry about it
53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? noo
54. Is there someone you will never forget? yes
55. Share a relationship story. uhhh h h i dated someone for 5months and hungout w them 3x so u suck
56. State 8 facts about your bodymy eyes are hazelmy boobs are phenomenali am 5'1"my nails are so shortmy brows used to be worseim always cleanit's currently sorei kind of like mine
57. Things you want to say to an ex - lmao ur annoyin
58. What are five ways to win your heart?give me attention show u caremake an efforttalk to me have good communicationtalk about you but also ask about me
59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!) my avi bitches
60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? a year
61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? voices, humor, eyes
62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? kissing my neck mmm bye
63. What is your definition of “having sex”? uhh any kind that there is like idk
64. What is your definition of cheating? u having to lie about who you're suspected of cheating with- cheating. 
65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? feel me UP nd kiss my neck yes
66. What is your favourite roleplay? i dont have one
67. What is your idea of the perfect date? idkkk anything w the right person
68. What is your sexual orientation? i dont rly label it but im just here to have a good time, i like guys and gals
69. What turns you off? bad hygiene
70. What turns you on? my man thats not my man and have no possession over but like mine
71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? i rarely have those so i dont remember
72. What words do you like to hear during sex? fuck
73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? uh me 
74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? ok i had to look up the word superficial but definitely arms. good arms. yes. 
75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? loved and supported me that is nice
76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? i do not know 
77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? i mean like when you're an adult it doesnt rly matter but like if you're a senior tryna be with an 8th grader come on. thats a child
78. What’s your dirtiest secret? i fucked someone in the back of his car and my mom will never know that
79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? like probably last week or smth. when anyone gives anyone else in their lives more attn than me im like oh okay i see how it is. u dont want me
80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? today to emma and jae
81. Who are five people you find attractive? ok how am i gon do this there are so many more*****em n jae they are oneaubreyabbyyasmeen
82. Who is the last person you hugged? i think jae yesterday
83. Who was your first kiss with? girl- my friend rachel boy- tyler
84. Why did your last relationship fail? cause he was a dickbag
85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? ummmmmmmm idrk that sitch has never come up