#and it causes me physical pain whenever I heard it bc it's so. perfect.

[kogiopsis]

anyway nobody asked but Hurts Lie Hell by Fleurie is THE Luthe Cousland/Alistair song

[jarofstyles]

hey besties, pls do a football player Harry (soccer in case ur american lol) and physical therapist y/n !!

I know absolute shit all about football (soccer bc we are American) but we can give it a go!!! Plz don’t be mad I don’t know anything about it cause it’s ✨make believe ✨

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—-

He was a little shit.

A beautiful, charming, irritating, little shit.

When Y/N has signed on for this team, being the medic was something she had been passionate about for years. Having her own accident and making it so she couldn’t properly play anymore, it was her mission to still be involved in the game so how. Y/N’s own injury and healing process had her become more and more interested in the profession, and here she was.

It wasn’t everything she had dreamed of, as nothing ever was, but it was good. She got to sit field-side every game, close to the action. And every injury she got first look at. She helped the guys with their stretches, their previous injuries and keeping them from Re-injuring themselves, taking care of them and making sure their physical shape was the best it could be.

In general? She was happy. But there was one man who was a thorn in her side and a pain in her crotch.

Harry Styles.

The man who decided it was his personal mission to follow her around like a puppy dog. Popping up in her singular moments of peace during game day. Texting her and asking about very, very small twists of ankles and giving her the ‘🥺 maybe you should come and look at it…’ whenever he did so.

Not to mention his complete and utter want to get into her pants.

Now it wasn’t as if she couldn’t handle a few sexual jokes. Y/N was a big girl and knew 99% of the time, the guys on the team knew their limit. And Harry? Harry, in reality, was a gentleman. Never touched her inappropriately, ever. But the problem was… she kind of wanted him to.

There was no actual clause against staff members and players being together or hooking up. Nope, just frowned upon. Maybe a slap on the wrist. However Y/N knew, she knew that the moment anyone caught wind of her potential affections for any team member or acting on it? It would end with everyone thinking she slept with them to get the job.

Y/N worked long and hard. Tireless hours for make sure these men were healthy, fit, and at their best. She wouldn’t sleep with anyone for any job, and she was actually respected by this team which was something a lot of women weren’t in this field. She could not and would not throw it away for a good dicking.

Fuck, did she want to sometimes.

—-

Harry had these hands. The perfect hands, in her opinion. Big, strong with thinner fingers. Long fingers. A good sized palm, not overly veiny, just perfection in male hand scales. Luckily (or unluckily, whatever way you’d put it) she got to handle them often.

“S’sore today, doc.” He winced, sitting on the table in front of her. Harry’s wrist throbbed. It was rainy, and it was usually a wreck when it was the perfect condition. The ache was annoying, and he knew she had a solution.

Her lips pouted softly as she gently took the hand in place, thumbing over the part of the wrist where rhe injury had occurred. She had learned a while ago where to press, how to rub and get it to lessen before she wrapped it up. “Yeah… old injuries tend to never let you forget.” She sighed, pushing her glasses up into her hair.

Harry never could get over how fucking gorgeous Y/N was. From her nose to her lips, the pretty sparkle in her eye, the curve of her hip… he was obsessed. Not to mention the fact that she was so gentle with him. So kind and sweet, though he knew he got on her nerves with his teasing sometime. She could handle it and he always tried to watch to make sure he wasn’t going too far, but he couldn’t help it.

He was a silly boy with a bit fat crush.

Y/N didn’t bite for any of them. Everyone had attempted when she first came on, testing the waters. Her pretty face was welcome to all the blokes in the team, and there was something incredibly attractive about a woman who could heal. Nonetheless, she never gave in to anything.

In Harry’s case, he knew it was different. He could see her smile at some jokes, see her get the bumps on her skin when he brushed her a certain way. But she avoided the eye contact. Avoided the touches. And it drove him mad.

Of course she wouldn’t know he had actual feelings for him because he was a giant coward most of the time. He hid his affection in the dirty jokes and the teasing squeezes of her waist and teasing. He was a thick skinned man but a full rejection form her would hurt.

Her soft fingers gently massaged over the wrist, making him groan. His head tilted back and he let it out, hissing slightly when she pressed too hard. “Oooh, don’t worry sweetheart. Y’know I like it to hurt a little.” His wide smirk made her roll her eyes huffing under her breath.

Y/N was not having a great day. She had been harassed by an Ex all fucking night over her new job. Making all the damn assumptions that she was getting ‘trained by the team’ in a much more vulgar way, and she had cried half the night. To say she wasn’t in the mood was an understatement, but she was trying.

Harry was not what she needed today, because it made her feel worse. Her blatant attraction to him made her feel guilty. She should be professional and leave it with. The way she had squeeze her legs tighter while he groaned didn’t help her case. The ugly words of how they’ only kept her around for a potential fuck’ was ringing in her head.

Harry though, he was a little oblivious. Her hands were so talented, and he didn’t watch her face for once as she hit a good spot again and he let out another remark.

“Jesus, that’s good. Do those magic hands work everywhere?”

That was the straw that broke her. It wasn’t his fault necessarily, he was just playing. But her eyes watered, hand yanking away as she turned from him, walking over to the bench. Trying to compose herself was hard as the tears burned so hard in her eyes, hands shaking slightly.

Harry startled, not used to that. She never flinched away like that, never ignored his remark and walked away. Usually told him to fuck off, rolled her eyes, something. But the energy in the room immediately shifted and he was uncomfortable. What had happened?

Cautiously, he cleared his throat and stood up from the bench, licking over his dry lips as he spoke again. “Uh… Y/N?”

“S’all I’m good for, right?” She muttered under her breath. Frantically wiping under her eyes she tried to focus on the paper in front of her but she could feel Harry approaching.

He furrowed his brow, not sure if he heard correctly. “Wha-“

Y/N whipped around fast, eyes teary and wet. “I said, that’s all I’m good for right? Only good for my hands and sex and all that pleasure you can get from me?” She hissed. “Only good for a romp in the sheets and a pretty face to heal your wounds and put on band aids. Only good to make you get off and feel good and then what? I’m left here with nothing.”

The tears left her, her hands shaking as she grabbed her bag. Harry felt his stomach drop. Never, ever had he wanted to make her feel like that. Her crying? That wasn’t something he ever wanted to see again. He felt like he had taken a ball to the gut, hard. Those eyes he adored being full of pain, full of tears was his own personal hell.

“Y/N… wait, I’m so sorry, I didn’t-“ he tried to follow her to the door, stopping abruptly when she lifted a hand up to him. Her stomping had made him nervous. Now she was leaving without talking to him and he felt like a complete dick. It was their normal teasing, but he had crossed a line.

“Don’t. Just…. Just leave me alone. I’m going home.”

—-

As much as Harry had wanted to chase after her, he had already made her cry once. He wasn’t risking it again.

The icky, gross feeling in his stomach followed him all day. He was gutted. Not only has he apparently crossed a line with someone he respected, he had a fucking crush on her. The man was convinced no other feeling was worse than a crush being angry at him. Even if it sounded juvenile to place it like that.

Harry liked Y/N. He never ever wanted to make her upset in any capacity, let alone feeling like a sex object or violated. He prided himself on respecting women. And he had fucking failed. He needed to make it right, and fast.

-

He had found her address. In her employee file, and he knew that was bad but he needed to check on her. Regardless of what happened beforehand, she was upset by him enough to leave and go home and he wanted to make sure she was genuinely okay.

It was an overstep and Harry knew it. He had to try, though.

He arrived at her door step with a box of cupcakes and some flowers. Gently kicking the floor, he heard the door open and his heart broke a little more.

Y/N standing in front of him with swollen eyes. She had been crying, seemingly a lot. And she looked upset still. Though he expected her to close the door in his face and tell him to fuck off. But she didn’t.

Instead, she broke into tears again, throwing herself into his chest. Her arms wrapping around his waist, he nearly tumbled over but righted himself as he startled. Quickly he found himself recovering, wrapping his free arm around her and holding her. He was able to maneuver slightly and drop the cupcakes on her entry table, flowers as well before having his arms free.

“Hey…. Sweetheart, what’s the matter?” He whispered softly, gently placing a hand on her back. Rubbing it up and down, letting her cry into his tee shirt. It was worrying. Whatever happened was beyond him, but he wasn’t going to let that take away from the fact he had added and made it worse.

“I’m sorry.” Her muffled response was sobbed into his shirt. “I’m sorry for yelling… and saying you thought those things, you were playing and I…” she pulled back worth tear streaked cheeks and Harry’s look of pure concern making her lip wobble. “You didn’t do it. It was… he kept sayin’ that all the team wants is in my pants, and you make me feel guilty because you’re so…. Beautiful, and I never slept with anyone to get this job! Never. And then he wouldn’t leave me alone-“ she hiccuped, looking up at Harry as he caressed the back of her head.

“Who, lovely? Who wouldn’t leave you alone?” He asked with a calm tone. Of course he wasn’t. Someone was harassing her. And Harry would fucking take care of it. It boiled his blood to think of someone making her feel less than.

“My ex.” She sniffled again, slowly calming. Harry had that quality, she thinks. “He-He broke up with me for taking the job. Said… said that I was going to be a personal whore for all of you. And not do my job.” She took a shuddery breath. It was embarrassing admitting this to him, but he had been on the receiving end for a meltdown that wasn’t his to fix.

“Well, can I tell you something?” He brought his thumb up to wipe away some of the sticky tears from her cheeks. “You arent. You’re no one’s whore. You’re a respected, talented and intelligent member of our staff. You so happen to be incredibly beautiful, which obviously makes people find you more bewitching… but I know that we all look at you as a professional talent. They may have tried their luck at the beginning but you laid down the law quickly and they all understood.” He whispered.

“Me? I was trying my luck, because you’re incredible. And I think you’re lovely. But that isn’t a conversation for now. Let’s make some tea, hm? Relax. I brought you some cupcakes. I need to properly apologize for being inappropriate to you. Regardless if it was a joke…”

—

He sat next to her on her couch. The poor girl was better now, washing her face and a mug of tea in hand while Harry had helped himself to a vase and put the flowers inside. Carnations. He thought they were pretty, didn’t know the name until Y/N had fawned over them.

“I’m sorry for freaking out on you.” She said softly, her big sweatshirt swallowing her up. Before Harry could interrupt, she put a finger up. “I know that you were just playing, Harry. I let you flirt with me like that. And I enjoy it.” She could feel herself get warm in the face. “If you’ve noticed, I let you get away with it. I enjoy it. And you didn’t do anything out of line. I was sensitive… I was still raw and I hadn’t had much sleep because he had blown up my phone and regardless he was telling me things he said in person over and over again. So…” Y/N shifted in her seat and used her sweater paws to bring the drink to her lips. “When you came in… I felt guilty for finding you attractive. For liking what you said to me.”

Harry sat for a moment, quiet. So she had liked it…. And felt guilty. Now knowing the context? It made sense. For the life of him he was trying not to hold in to the fact that she enjoyed it, but he couldn’t. It made him excited.

“Okay. That makes sense. Usually.. I do a better job at reading your physical cues. Sometimes I can see something isn’t the right thing to say because you’re tense already. But I was in my own world cause you were making the pain go away and I felt good. It isn’t an excuse, though.” He gently grabbed her hand once she set down her warm tee, thumbing over the knuckles.

“I felt like such a dick. I still do. You know that? And it isn’t because I’m attracted to you. But it’s because I didn’t think about the position I’m putting you in by flirting.” He moved a little closer. “I would never try and jeopardize your job. I’ve been blinded by my own feelings for a while and I was trying to feel it out but I didn’t think to think it was because someone else or a group of people would look down at you for it.” He frowned.

It was so unfair. They wouldn’t care if he slept with her. But they’d ridicule her for sleeping with him.

“I just want to let you know now as well… I wasn’t trying to come on to you to have a hookup.” He hummed. “The feelings I’ve got are genuine. Alright? They aren’t just too get into your pants. And I never want you to feel as though that’s your only purpose. Ever. You have so much worth, and while I’m positive you don’t need me to tell you that, I want tok anyways.”

He was unreal. She really thinks so. How did a man just… be like him. He was a fan favorite and had charm but behind the scenes he was even better than anything they said.

“Yeah. I think I was afraid. Because… I’m the same, you know?” She shyly admitted. “You’re charming and I didn’t want to admit I let your charm get to me, but it has. It has very much. And I like you. I don’t know what to do about it, but I think it’s only fair I admit it myself as well when you’ve put yourself out on the line.”

Harry’s grin grew, dimples pocketing in his cheeks. She liked him back. His heart was ringing in his ears, the shy little look into her eyes making him want to explode. Fucking adorable girl making him feel such intense emotions…. It was incredible.

Thank god. He thought he was going insane.

“We don’t have to do anything in the sense of our job right now. But since we both know… would you want to explore it? I would say privately. Just get to know each other better. Talk. Hang out. Cook food together… maybe kiss.” He smirked slightly at the end, making her let out a laugh. Her laugh soothed his Damn soul.

“I think I’d like that.”

——

Part II maybe? Who knows

[xoxo-teddybear]

He’s Lost - Bakugou Katsuki - Part 1

Bakugou x f!reader

Warnings - Angst, Physical Harm, Cursing, accused Cheating, Katsuki’s insecurities

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

A/N: This is my first writing piece but this has been stuck in my mind since v-day is coming up so I had to get it out. Plz enjoy!!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Summary: Y/N is so busy around Valentine’s, her lack of attention towards her Pomeranian is causing him to freak out and do the worst of the worst

Love is in the air! The birds are singing, The breeze is blowing, the setting sun is shining, and the explosive teen is.....well, bruting.

Can you blame him though? Y/N’s been a little distant ever since February started. Even right now, instead of enjoying their time together in a quiet park, she’s staring down at her phone doing who knows what.

Why? Was he not good enough? Has she gotten tired of him? They’ve only been together for a little over a year. Is she talking to someon- no. Katsuki stopped himself from thinking like that. There’s no way his precious teddy bear would ever do that. Not only that, he was the best there is. Why would she even try to go?

“You dumbass. You’re missing this.” Bakugou sighed. “Huh? What? Missing what?” Y/N looked around looking for whatever “this” was until Bakugou grabbed her chin to force her to look him in the eyes. “THIS DUMBASS! US! You’re so focused on that dumb phone. Jeez, can’t a guy just get his girl’s attention.” Bakugou said dramatically.

It wasn’t that Y/N wasn’t giving him attention, it’s that it wasn’t the same. Yea she right there snuggled into his arm. And yea she was petting his hair just the way he liked. And YES, she was peppering his face with kisses from time to time. But it all felt off? Like only half her energy was put into the love and affection.

“Suki, aren’t u being a little dramatic. I’m right here with you baby. I’m sorry if I’ve been a little distracted. Come here dummy.” And as Y/N pulls Bakugou in for a tighter hug all he can do is release a “hmph” while falling into it...until her phone went (ding!) once again. And she went to check it. Once again.

Bakugou was getting tired so he got up and suggested they’d head back to UA. Y/N only got up and began to walk beside him, hand in hand, while still checking her phone time to time. And Bakugou was getting sick of it

*Wtf is she doing on that piece of junk? What could be so important she would half ass our entire evening together? .....Could she possibly be talking to someone else?............no.* Bakugou let those negative thoughts die down as they continued their journey back.

——————————————————————————

A few days later

“COME ON!!” Bakugou screamed as he realeased a blast towards Kirishima. When Bakugou invited him to train, The red head initially thought it was to ...you know..TRAIN. But after some time, the blonde’s best friend began to see the bigger picture.

“Dude. What’s up with you man? We always go full on during training, but it’s not even like you’re trying to hit me. It feels like you’re just taking your anger out on me.” Kirishima said.

“Congrats on noticing shitty hair, I’m glad somebody’s noticing my damn mood.” Weirded out by his friend’s unusual openness, the red head continued to ask.

“So what’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“But you just-“

“NOPE!”

Bakugou exclaimed as he began to gather his stuff to leave the training area. “BAKUGOU!” Kiri shouted. “WHAT!” “.......it’s Y/N isn’t it?”

Upon hearing that, the blonde turned to look at his best friend with this sad puppy dog look. And man, if Katsuki had doggy ears, everyone would see how low they’d go. His best friend didn’t need to see it though, he could tell those ears would be 6 ft under if they were actually there bc there’s nothing hiding Katsuki’s vulnerability when it comes to Y/N. As the two best friends go to sit on the bleachers, Bakugou takes a deep breath before saying his thoughts.

“I think Y/N is cheating on me.”

“................HUH???!!!!”

Kirishima went from “caring and considerate” to “WHATDIDHESAYYY” in seconds. Y/N L/N?? Cheating?? Ok. Y/N was one fiesty girl, and she definitely had sass, power, attitude, and a little mischief, but she also had kindness, compassion, consideration, and honesty flowing though her. Not to mention extreme loyalty. There’s no way.

“Look man, with all due respect, I think you’ve finally lost it.” The red head laughed. “I’m being serious shitty hair.” The blonde stated. “She’s been so distracted lately. She’s always with me but it’s like her mind is also somewhere else. And not to mention that damn phone she’s always on now. She can’t go 30 minutes without checking it at least twice. And not only that, when she does leave to do whatever, she’s gone for hours at a time! What’s a guy supposed to think with all of that?! I mean it’d make sense if she wanted to leave. I get it, I can get loud, and yell, and I get angry a lot but.. she knows I never mean it, right? I call her a dumbass like i do everyone else...ugh but she isn’t just everyone else, she’s my girlfriend and she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.....SO WHY TF IS SHE CHEATIN-“ before the blonde could continue, his best friend cut him off.

“BAKUGOU” “WHAT??!!” “....talk to her.” Kirishima said. “What?” Bakugou asked. Kirishima continued. “Cheating is a real sensitive topic in a relationship. I don’t wanna give my opinion on something that could ruin something amazing. C’mon man, we both know Y/N isn’t like that but who am I to tell you what to do. I wanna help, I do, but I think it’s best if you go to her with all this. Honestly though, if you asked me, Y/N would be the last person I’d ever think of when it came to cheating on ANYTHING. Especially the guy she cares so much about.” And with that last sentence, Kirishima stood up from his spot and pat Bakugou on his shoulder before exiting.

With Bakugou left with nothing but his thoughts and Kirishima’s advice, he left and headed straight towards your room.

——————————————————————————

“Shut up!” You excitingly screamed though the phone. “You really found the last part?”

“Yup, it only took about 6 different stores across the entire city.” Shinsou sarcastically replied. “You owe me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know and I appreciate it. Katsuki’s gonna love his gift!” You said.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, you’ve been preparing only the best Valentine’s Day surprise for the best boyfriend in the world. You’ve been so busy planning your surprise that I guess you could say you haven’t been giving Katsuki the massive amount of attention he’s used to from you, but you can definitely say it’ll all be worth it when he sees one of his presents that you’ve been working on. A silencer for his gauntlet blasts that not only decreases the volume of his attacks, but also increases his attack power. You remember how Bakugou had vented about his attacks being too loud that they scare people, but when he tried to keep them quiet, the attack isn’t as powerful so saving can be quite difficult. He only spoke about it once, but you could see the look on his face whenever he was out using his quirk around civilians. So why not give him a device that’ll help with his loud little problem. Now were you a support class student who knew how to make support items? Hell no. But were you a loving girlfriend willing to give her man the best Valentine’s Day ever? Hell yeah.

The piece of gear would’ve been easier to make IF it weren’t for a pesky piece of the project getting destroyed by Shinsou after he made Denki electrocute himself while he was right next to your prototype on the table. So to make it up to you, Shinsou went all around town looking for the piece you needed to complete your support item for Katsuki. Finally, all pieces had come together.

“He better. That damn bastard doesn’t know how amazing his girlfriend is. Instead of ignoring his ass these past few weeks, you sent ME to get all this shit for you so you could keep your precious Pomeranian happy.” Shinsou said while rolling his baggy eyes.

As Bakugou approached the outside of your dorm room’s door, he heard your voice.

“You know, you’re so right. That Pomeranian is unaware of just exactly how amazing I am. I really could’ve left whenever but I stuck around.” You snorted. “Well I’m glad I had you with me through it all Shinsou.”

*Pomeranian? SHINSOU?!? Through IT ALL?!?!? YOU WERE WITH THAT PURPLE HAIRED, SLEEP DEPRIVED ASS MIND CONTROLLING FREAK?!?? AND YOU WERE WITH HIM THE ENTIRE TIME YOU’VE BEEN DATING BAKUGOU?!?*

Oh to say Katsuki was pissed was an understatement. He felt all these emotions hitting him all at once. Anger, Disgust, Pain, Betrayal. It all became too much for him before Katsuki ran away from your down with his bed down and silent tears hitting the floor. When he let himself fall to the floor in the privacy of his room he screamed into his hands. His first love, his first real relationship, his teddy bear betraying his love, loyalty, and trust for over an entire year. After hours of crying, Katsuki was able to pull himself into bed. He couldn’t even bring himself to shower even though he spent all that time in the gym with Kirishima. He just wanted to sleep to escape reality. As he looked at his phone, he saw 1 missed call from Y/N, and 1 text saying “Goodnight love💗💥!” Bakugou scoffed at the text. Figuring u must be texting Shinsou the same thing. As Bakugou placed his phone down, an evil thought came to mind. Ruin her.

Bakugou smirked to himself as he had this pyscho and sinister look on his face. He would ruin Y/N. They haven’t officially broken up yet, so he could hurt her just as she hurt him. And Bakugou wasn’t stupid or so he thought he’s aware Valentine’s is coming up, so why not break little Y/N L/N’s heart on a day dedicated to nothing but love and happiness. It’ll be the perfect revenge on a little satin like her. Bakugou finally turned on his side with an evil, satisfied smile, and fat tears in his eyes once more.

——————————————————————————

The next morning, Katsuki got up with a broken heart, but he figured if he wanted his plan to work, he had to fake this smile. Getting up, getting ready, and getting dressed was business as usual, but meeting up with Y/N in the morning was now off the schedule. Instead of going into her room to check on her like he usually does, he just went straight to breakfast and straight to class without speaking to anyone.

With Class 1-A seated and Mr.Aizawa at the head of the classroom, the students can finally start their first lesson of the day. Until, the door slid wide open. There stood an exhausted and quite frankly dishelved Y/N. “My apologies sensei. I was up late last night and overslept. Please forgive me.” Y/N said as she bowed her head in sorry. “Just take your seat L/N.” The tired eye teacher said.

As Y/N walked to her desk, she noticed Bakugou wouldn’t even glance her way. She was a little thrown off since it would be normal for him to at least give her a judgemental look for sleeping in, but no. Nothing.

Bakugou on the other hand was writhing in agony. Oh how he wanted to check on Y/N and make sure everything was fine, but that voice in the back of his head couldn’t help but tell him to ignore her since she’s a cheater. She may have been the girl he’s loved dearest, but she was also the one causing his heart to shatter.

After a few classes, Y/N tried to approach Bakugou several times, but each time he brushed her off. And when the bell finally rang for lunch, you can bet Katsuki was the first one out the door. Y/N followed him of course, in worry and concern.

“Babe! Baby! Katsuuu!!! KATSUKII!” Y/N whined for her boyfriend to at least look at her but once again. Nothing. Bakugou wanted to hug her and hold her tight but he couldn’t. Not after what she’s done. Right before Bakugou entered the cafeteria, Y/N pulled him aside and held onto his wrists.

“Baby? Hey, what’s up with you? I’ve been calling your name and trying to talk to you but you keep brushing me off. You also didn’t stop by this morning. Is something wrong, love?” Y/N was hoping for something. ANYTHING at this point. And it was like the gods heard her prayer because she definitely got....something. “My bad.” The blonde haired boy dryly replied. “....Oh, um, ok suki.” The poor girl just thought her dear boyfriend was having a bad day, so she just left it alone and let him go. But still, even on his worse days he would at least visit her in the mornings. As they sat down with the bakusquad, the entire table noticed how Bakugou sat up and moved across from Y/N after she chose to sit next to him like usual. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and Kirishima could already feel what had gone down. He at least knew his bro didn’t talk to his girl. Not manly at all.

——————————————————————————

Valentine’s Day

During lunch, Kirishima has finally decided to speak to Bakugou about this whole thing. He hasn’t been getting any updates since their time in the gym, so when it was just him and his best friend having lunch together, he went for it.

“Man what the hell is going on with you and Y/N? I’ve noticed you’ve been avoiding her like crazy,” Kirishima said while stuffing his face, nervous about the answer. “I was right all along.” The blonde sadly spoke. “She’s been cheating on me since the start of our entire relationship. And with that baggy eyed freak from 1-B.”

Kirishima couldnt believe what he was hearing. He almost choked on his food. Y/N was actually cheating. I guess people don’t know people as well as he thought. “.....wow...I’m sorry man.” The red haired friend said. He was at a lost for words and didn’t know what else to say. *sigh* “don’t be. It all goes down tonight.” Bakugou said with a sad smile. “What do you mean?” His friend asked. The blonde looked at him right in his red eyes. “I’m breaking her heart tonight, on the one day of the year dedicated to love.”

Meanwhile

Instead of going to lunch, Y/N spent her time finishing up Katsuki’s surprise in his room. Yeah, he’s been having a bad past few days so why not bring him a smile with these amazing gifts on the day of love. Although Y/N didn’t really feel the love today (due to Katsuki again being so distant and ignoring her “good morning blasty💥💗!” And “Happy Valentine’s Day my love♥️!” Texts) she was determined to make sure Katsuki knew just exactly how much she loved him. She was almost done setting up in his room. Rose petals on the bed, Candles everywhere, 4 different gifts including his new support item made by you, his favorite meal is going to be set here on his table, and you and him together spending every loving second with each other. Y/N didn’t realize that because of her setup, she missed the entire rest of the day. “Meh, so worth it when I see the look on Suki’s face.” Tonight is going to be perfect.....or so you thought.

You didn’t expect to find Katsuki in your room, sitting on the edge of you bed waiting for you with his head hanging low and his shoulders slumped.

*maybe he has a surprise for me....? Yea that has to be it!* Y/N happily thought as she closed the door.

“Suki!! Happy Valentine’s Day!” Y/N said with all the love in her heart as she ran and jumped on the boy for a hug. But Bakugou didn’t say anything. He didn’t move. He just glanced back up at her, giving her this cold stare. Y/N was too busy professing her undying love for her boyfriend to even notice his scary silence. “Suki I’m really glad it’s you who I have in my life,” the love sicken girl bashfully spoke while looking at the ground. “You make me so happy and I feel so blessed being able to spend my life with you in it. I really hope you know just how much I care and lov-“ Bakugou couldn’t listen to this bullshit anymore. He pushed Y/N off of him just before she could say those 3 words that would get him to break.

“Hey! Suki? Why would you do that?!” Y/N exclaimed while standing back up. “I hate you.” The blonde spoke coldly. As those words left his mouth, Y/N heart and world were falling apart. Her eyes went wide open and her jaw slightly dropped. As she was about to say something else, Katsuki cut her off with “I’m breaking up with your dumbass. Right here. Right now!” Bakugou yelled. Y/N was in shock. She felt hurt, pain, she was just feeling so broken.

As tears filled her eyes, she asked “w-why?” as she tried to reach out to him. “Why? WHY?!” Bakugou screamed as he stood up above her slapping her hand away. “THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WHY, Y/N. YOU’RE A FUCKING CHEATER, THATS WHY!” The blonde yelled in her face. Y/N couldn’t believe it. He thought she was cheating? Why would she even do that? She already has the best person in the world for her so why? “DONT EVEN GIVE ME THAT “it didn’t mean anything, Suki!” BULLSHIT. I DONT GIVE A FUCK, CUZ YOU’VE BEEN CHEATING ON ME AND PLAYING ME FOR A DAMN FOOL THIS ENTIRE FUCKING TIME!” Bakugou went on as his voice began to crack while tears flowed down his porcelain face. “YOU LIED TO ME. I GAVE YOU MY ENTIRE BEING AND YOU FUCKING LIED. YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH, I CANT BELIEVE I EVER LOVED A SORRY EXCUSE OF A PERSON LIKE YOU. I HATE YOU SO DAMN MUCH, I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK I SAW IN YOU!” Y/N’s heart hit the ground. No actually, it went 6 ft under because after all that he’s said, her heart is dead. Broken. In agony. “Suki I-“ “DONT FUCKING CALL ME THAT L/N.” Hearing him refer to her with her family name hit so hard. “KATSUKI PLEASE! I DIDNT DO ANYTHING I SWEA-“ as Y/N tried to reach out to him, he interrupted her again and pushed her hand away. “I SAID DONT CALL ME THAT!”

The blonde yelled, except this time....he didn’t only yell. The burning scent of smoke came into his nose and the loud explosion could be heard throughout the building. The product of what he just did came to him. He just attacked the love of his life. As much as Y/N hurt him, Katsuki still loved her with his everything. And the fact that he subconsciously attacked her broke him even more. Y/N’s screams of pain reached his ears, as he looked down and saw his precious teddy bear with a burned arm and fat tears on her face, crying in pain.

Bakugou ran down to her level to try and help her. “Y/N! Hey, hey teddy bear look I’m so-“ Y/N pushed him away before he could continue. “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU BAKUGOU?!” Ouch. His family name felt like poison coming from your tongue. “Princess, I’m sorry I didn’t-“ “SHUT UP AND LET ME SPEAK FOR ONCE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!” Y/N screamed as she stood up to face him. “I DIDNT FUCKING CHEAT ON YOU. WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT WHEN YOU’RE THE BEST DAMN THING THATS EVER HAPPENED TO ME?!..ah!” Y/N was cut off by the stinging of her wound, and Bakugou couldn’t do anything but stare. Y/N grabbed onto her wound before continuing. “I love you Bakugou. I wouldn’t even dream about doing wrong by you. I thought I was a good girlfriend or at least a good person-“ Bakugou quickly interrupted “No! Y/N you are, I just-“ “If I am then what the hell made you even think of me so lowly? What the hell did I do to make you question my loyalty? What the hell did I do that was worthy of you burning my fucking arm?!” Y/N cried out.

Silence fell upon the room. It felt like hours before anybody said anything. Both people had heavy tears in their face now. One crying because he realized he was an idiot and harmed the girl who did nothing wrong, and One crying because she did nothing wrong but ended up being a villain in her loved one’s life. Y/N broke the silence with a scoff.

“You know what Suki?” Y/N said looking him in the eyes. “Yes teddy bear?” Bakugou quickly replied with wide, desperate eyes upon hearing the loving nickname, thinking they would move on from this horrible incident. “Get the fuck out.” Y/N said in a low voice. Bakugou was shocked. He knew he fucked up horribly but after realizing the truth, he can’t leave you! He loves you too damn much for that! “What? Y/N please listen to me, I’m sor-“ “I DONT GIVE A FUCK! Leave..please.” The sad girl cried. Bakugou grabbed onto her shoulders begging her to not end this. “Y/N please! Please princess! I’m so fucking sorry! I’m an idiot, I know, and I definitely don’t deserve you but please I can’t lose you.” Bakugou said with tears falling down his face. “Please don’t do this to us. Please don’t do this to me, I’m BEGGING YOU.” “Bakugou-“ The sad boy cut you off, shaking his head, “ NO ITS SUKI. YOUR SUKI. YOUR KATSUKI.......please teddy bear I need you.......h-here let me help yo-”

You harshly pushed the boy off of you and as he tried to desperately go back to you, you used your quirk to keep him at bay. “Bakugou Katsuki. I’m leaving this room since you won’t, and I won’t come back until I know you’re out of my room.” Y/N began as she looked at him with cold, sad eyes. “From now on, you won’t have to worry about this bitch because I’ll stay out of your life, I swear. Don’t look at me, don’t touch me, DONT EVEN TALK TO ME. Just leave me alone....we’re done.” And with that Y/N ran out of her room, and out of the building, needing to get away from the place for a little bit. She could deal with her wound later. She just needed to get away. Bakugou just stood there in sadness and shock. As much as he wanted to run after you, he figured he’d give you a little breather. You guys could fix things in the morning...right?

Bakugou waited an hour in your room waiting for you, but you were right. You really weren’t coming back until he left your private area. So that’s what he did. With a heavy heart, he picked himself up and dragged his feet back to his dorm. He looked like a mess. He knew he did. Messy hair, red swollen eyes, dry lips. His entire body screamed heartbroken. When he open the door, instant regret and love hit him at once. His room was covered with rose petals and flowers, there were candles everywhere, heart shaped balloons all around, he had 4 different boxes of gifts, and two plates of extra spicy curry was set on his table, obviously cold now. What caught his eye was that one of the gift boxes had a note attached to it. With tears in his eyes, he read it.

Hey Suki! It’s Valentine’s Day! I love you to the moon and back and so much more. There’s no words that are able to describe the way I feel about you. You drive me insane in all the right ways and I love it! Lol. I hope you like your Valentine’s Day surprise. I’ve been working for weeks on it, so I’m sorry if I’ve been a little distracted. I know I’ve been kinda absent these past few days but I promise I’ll make it up to you love! Hopefully I can start with this gift that I’ve been working on. Enjoy your brand new grenade silencer! Made it myself just for you. There’s nothing else in the world like this. I love you Bakugou Katsuki!

(P.S. If Shinsou from 1-B gives you shit about it, it’s because I made him drag his ass everywhere to look for a missing part so I wouldn’t have to leave you so much)

XOXO, Your forever teddy bear <3

As he quickly opened the gift, he saw it. A silencer that would attach to his gauntlets to make the sound quieter and the blast even more powerful. It was incredible. You are incredible. He only ever mentioned the sound of his blasts once, and you listened and you fixed it.

Bakugou shook as tears began to fall onto the paper. He couldn’t believe it. Everything started coming together now. The reason you were so distracted was because you were setting this up for him. You were always on the phone because you were assembling pieces and ordering gifts for him. You weren’t cheating on him with Shinsou. You were making sure he could find something that you needed for him. Y/N L/N was truly the best girlfriend in the world. Scratch that, she is the best girlfriend in the world. No scratch that too, she’s just the best, period. And Bakugou’s idiotic self ruined everything for him. All because he couldn’t have a little faith in his teddy bear. As Katsuki cried and cried, he set everything aside.

He took the petals off his bed. He didn’t deserve it. He blew out the candles around his room. He didn’t deserve it. He popped the balloons, and ignored the food. He laid in bed with more tears than ever, and looked at the ceiling. He finally turned to his side to fall asleep, but not before grabbing the picture on his bedside nightstand. A picture of you and him. He remembers that picture oh so clearly. It was his birthday, and while he didn’t want to celebrate, you did everything in your power to make it the best one yet. And you did just that. Bakugou hugged that picture so tight, because he didn’t have you in his arms tonight. He didn’t think he would ever have you in his arms again. So Bakugou Katsuki continued to cry until he was asleep, escaping from the reality of him losing his love, his teddy bear, his princess, and his Y/N.

Bakugou Katsuki never lost, no. He’s always been ahead, always number one, always the best. He always won and achieved and nothing ever stopped him. Except this time, the only thing that stopped him and caused him to lose, was himself. He lost. He lost his everything. His world, his rock, his heart, his Y/N. He’s lost without her in his life, and at this point he thinks he’s lost at life. There was nothing that could fix him unless it was you coming back to him.

Bakugou Katsuki? He’s lost.

A/N: HOLY SHIT! That was my very first writing piece and it was just a Drabble of a thought I’ve been having. Sorry if it’s a little off and weird, I’m still new to writing but hopefully I’ll get better. This was NOT spell checked so my apologies for any mistakes. I hope you enjoyed reading this! Thx for the love!

[pwarkluv]

❝ what is love? - l.mk ❞

lee mark x reader | fluff | 2k words

WARNINGS | lowercase is intended, idol au, love at first sight au, 6thmemberofitzy!reader, shy!mark and shy!reader, fluff bc that’s what i’m best at LOL, another request :), just enjoy <3

REQUEST | “hii i read ur electric love fic w jisung and i really loved it :DD could you do the same for mark ? still as the 6th member of itzy ofc :D” - my lovely anon <3

SUMMARY | he wonders what is love, but finds the answer in you.

AUTHOR’S NOTE | inspired by the song “what is love” by twice (english lyrics by genius translations)! ANOTHER REQUEST HDSFKLDSJHF IM SO SO SO SO EXCITED! i wanted to change up the setting so it’s still 6th member itzy, but not in weekly idol :P ALSO this was inspired by when nct dream, itzy, and stray kids sat next to each each other in that one award show so yeah lolol. IM SO SORRY I LOST THE MESSAGE WHERE MY ANON ASKED FOR IT BUT I STILL WROTE IT FOR YOU! I LOVE YOU, THANK YOU, NEVER BE SHY TO DM ME ;)

what is love?

mark knew the general idea of it; the sappy moments movies show, the “butterflies in your stomach” feeling books portray, the pain and hardships songs make you feel. 

but he’s never been in love, at least not like this.

❝ how could it be as sweet as candy? ❞

training at such a young age molded mark into the perfect idol, and with that he was fully aware dating would look bad to the public. he accepted the fact that he might never find love, all to help achieve his dream. 

but as cheesy as it sounds, the canadian wished to be loved. 

yes he was loved by his members, his family, his friends, his fans; but the type of love he longed for was something none of them could give him. 

mark wanted to feel the sweetness of being in love, the giddiness you’d feel whenever you talk to them, the pounding of your heart whenever they’re near. he wanted to experience the overwhelming need to be with that person, like if they’re gone for too long it’s like you can’t breathe.

was being in love like making a song for the very first time? or was it like eating watermelon all the time?

so many questions with no answers, the boy left to wander in his own thoughts. 

❝ how it’s like flying in the sky? ❞

he smiled bittersweetly as the newly wed couple danced around in confetti, the sound of laughter and cheers resonating around the room. one of nct’s managers that had been with them since the beginning invited them to her wedding, to which the team obviously accepted. 

all 23 of them were happy for their noona who found her happy ending. mark could only watch in awe at the sight of the two lovebirds, the love and adoration for the other evident in the way they looked at each other.

his heart tugged a bit knowing he wanted something like that too. 

“being in love is like flying in the sky.” his manager explained to the boy as a makeup artist experimentally brushed strokes on her face. it was a couple hours before the ceremony when mark knocked on her hotel door, wanting to visit his favorite noona before she finally said ‘i do’. 

his question left his mouth before mark could fully register what he was about to say, the poor boy flushing a bit as the woman laughed at him. 

“are you in love mark? is that why you’re asking me how i knew i was in love?” she teased as mark stutterd, denying her accusation.

“n-no i swear!” he said as his manager continued laughing, the makeup artist having to pause a bit to let her get it all out. “i’m just curious.” mark said quietly trying to stop the heat from rushing up to his cheeks. 

“well being in love is a magical feeling.” the woman said, turning a bit serious. mark sat up straight as he listened intently. “when you realize you love someone, it can be a scary thing. love isn’t perfect mark, and i want you to know that. there are moments where you want to scream and rip your hair out, or cry to let it all out.”

the boy nodded in understanding, having a bit of knowledge from all the good breakup songs taylor swift writes about. 

“but it can also change your whole world.” she continued on. “it’s like seeing the world again for the very first time and the colors are more vibrant. it’s like having a permanent reason to be happy, and a reason to stay.” she explained as the mark sat quietly trying to comprehend it all. 

❝ i wanna know know know know, what is love? ❞

the poor boy’s head couldn’t wrap around the thought of you. 

his heart hammered in his chest as he secretly glanced at you, desperately trying to avoid suspicion from fans and his members. you were just too breathtaking, having the canadian looking back for more. 

the moment he first laid eyes on you, it was like an epiphany. you were the answer to all his questions.

so this is what it feels like, mark thinks to himself as he looks back on all the things he’s heard about love. 

the butterflies, the pounding of your heart, the “seeing the world in a whole new perspective”, mark felt everything and as much as he felt excited, he was scared.

as harmless as it sounds, award shows were a risky thing for idols. being surrounded by fans of different groups as well as said groups themselves always seemed to cause a bit of a stir between fans.

between dating rumors and rumors about beef between two idols, anything could happen.

but usually mark would be okay. he’s been doing this for a long time and knew how to behave.

however what he didn’t expect was to see you, the tiny rookie idol from the newly debuted girl group ‘itzy’. 

nct 127’s table was right next to yours which let mark have a clear view of your pretty eye smile as you laughed at something lia had whispered into your ear. your laugh was bubbly and contagious, the boy having to physically stop himself from wanting to laugh too. 

he was panicking, but mark couldn’t tell if it was in a good or bad way. 

❝ what does love feel like? ❞

your breath hitched as you saw the boy sneak glances at you from the corner of your eye.

the mark lee was looking at you, your heart racing as you tried to deny the fact that he was staring you down. there was no way the dude you’ve looked up to your entire trainee life is noticing you, no way at all.  

everyone has heard of mark lee even if you weren’t into kpop. he was just that iconic. 

you’ve been an nctzen since the very beginning, being there for nct u’s debut stage. in fact, nct was the very reason you decided to audition to become an idol in the first place. you looked up to the team but more importantly you looked up to a certain canadian in the group.

originally doyoung was your bias in nct when nct u first came out. but as the years passed by you found yourself more and more intrigued by mark, having him absolutely wreck your bias list.

since then you’ve been a loyal mark stan, even rapping his part in cherry bomb for your audition tape which ultimately led you to become an idol yourself. 

you refused to believe you were in love with the dude, not knowing a single thing about him. there was no way you could love him, not if you’ve never even met the boy.

but your heart seemed to prove you wrong as it beat wildly knowing mark was sitting right there on the table next to you. 

“you okay bubs?” lia asked in a worried tone, leaning in to whisper into your ear. she saw the way your leg bounced in a fast rhythm, knowing you only did that when you were nervous. 

you forced a smile as you hesitantly looked her way, knowing that she could take one look into your eyes and know you were lying. “i'm fine unnie, don’t worry about me.” you replied as sweetly as you could, wishing the elder wouldn’t notice a thing. 

though you two and yeji were the eldest in the group, all being born in the year 2000, you were the baby of the unnie line. lia and yeji knew you the best, having grown up with you after all. 

the girl only gave you a look before taking your hand in hers to give a soft squeeze. “i know you’re lying but i won’t push you. also mark lee from nct 127 is totally checking you out.” lia said, whispering a bit on the last part. she winked as you flushed, looking away in horror. 

-

johnny nudged the boy next to him with a small smirk, clearly seeing the heart eyes he was giving the girl in the table next to them. mark jumped a bit at the feeling, looking at his hyung with confusion.

“so y/n of itzy?” johnny said with a small smile as the younger immediately sat up straight. 

“is it that obvious?” mark whispered back with a hint of fear in his eyes.

if any of the fans were to get a hold of this… the boy could only shiver at the thought. 

johnny’s playful smile dropped a bit at mark’s worried look knowing how he must feel. they were idols after all.

“don’t worry, i only noticed because she was looking back at you too.” he said, mark flushing at the revelation.

“really?” he asked a little out of it. 

“i say talk to her after this?” the elder said, laughing a bit when mark jumped in his seat, immediately saying no. 

❝ will love come to me someday? ❞

“unnie why are you making me stay in the dressing room~” you whined as the end of the award show came along.

you just wanted to go home, your body worn out. not from all the dancing but from the way it viciously pounded in your chest whenever you ever thought about mark. 

lia only smirked in retaliation as she brought a hand up to squish your cheeks. “trust me, you’ll thank me later.” she said as she walked out of the dressing room, bumping into a 6 foot tall boy with a smaller boy behind him. 

“oops sorry.” she said a little playfully, as lia gave a wink to johnny knowing their plan was going accordingly. johnny only gave her a small smile, but if you looked closely you could see the mischief in his eyes. 

“hyung where are we going?” mark asked, a little weirded out by the two’s interaction. johnny only ignored the boy, dragging him by his arm as they walked down the hallway. 

“hyung i swear if this is a prank i’ll-” mark’s words were cut off as the two entered a door, only to see your confused face staring back at him. 

“oh shit.” he cursed under his breath, a little taken aback from how beautiful you were. one whole award show later and you were still as gorgeous as when he first saw you sitting down in the table next to his. 

your confused face quickly turned to an embarrassed one as you noticed the boy, turning another shade of red when you noticed he couldn’t take his eyes off of you.

“hi y/n, my name is johnny and this is my band mate mark.” the taller boy said, holding his hand out in a handshake. 

“h-hi i’m y/n.” you stuttered, not expecting to see the boy you’ve been daydreaming about for the past two hours to be right in front of you. 

mark gawked at the sight of you, his mind malfunctioning as the words seemed to get stuck at the tip of his tongue.

“markie right here has something he wants to ask you.” johnny said, pushing the younger in front of him with a grunt. 

this seemed to knock him right out of his trance, a hand coming up to the back of his neck as he stared down at the floor with pink cheeks.

“do you maybe wanna-”

“yes.” you blurted out, a hand covering your mouth in shock. “i-if you were gonna ask if i wanted to hang out sometime, the answer is yes.” you said a little shyly as the boy smiled. 

all this time mark thought he was gonna find love, but maybe love found him instead. 

“i’ll pick you up at 6 tomorrow evening.” mark said with a sweet smile as he took a step back only to be pushed back up again by johnny.

“you don’t even have her number you dumbass.” the elder scolded, disappointed at how dumb the boy was. 

your laughter caught both of the boy’s attention as you put your hand out with a small smile. “you want my number or nah?”

[volturiwolf]

The Volturi Princess - A Felix Volturi x fem!Reader Story (part 3)

No of Words: about 5313

Mentions of: Abandonment, Abortion, Anxiety, Blood, Bruises, Coma/Comatosed State, Death Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Physical Pain, Gaslighting, Greece/Greek Language - with translation, Heartbreak, Italian Language - with translation, Manipulation, Murder, Pain, Panic Attacks, Pregnancy, Suffering, Suicide/Suicidal Thoughts, Swear Language, Throwing Up/Puking, Witches/Wizards/Witchcraft

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part 1 part 2

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"The Volturi Princess " Tag List (reply if you want to be tagged or removed):

@felixvolturisprincess @singerj2002 @mrtony-stank1 @ikissedthescarsonherskin @alecvolturiswifeforever @hshehdyhd

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Felix’s POV:

We have been traveling for over a year now, Demetri tracking Carlisle and us following behind him. Demetri located him across the Atlantic, so we swam across the ocean to reach him. Almost a year and a half after leaving Volterra, we tracked Carlisle while he was working as a doctor somewhere in the northern United States. He was surprised to see us, but we kept our austere facade to maintain our sovereignty towards him. He welcomed us gladly in his small house.

It was a two-story building, and it smelled of old wood and mold, but I guess that was the best he could do for now. The living conditions around here did not seem to be ideal. Apart from the Volturi and the Egyptian coven, no other vampire lived comfortably, in castles, mansions, or even big houses; most vampires were nomads, traveling around and living by hunting whenever they could. So, Carlisle actually living in a house, even if it looked like this, was way better than living the nomad life.

“Jane, Alec, Demetri, Felix. To what do I owe this pleasure? Can I offer you anything?” Carlisle had always been one of the kindest of our kind, too compassionate for a vampire.

“No, Carlisle, thank you, we’re good. We are on a mission, and we have a few questions for you.” Jane took it up to herself to start the conversation.

“Please, sit down so we can talk.” Carlisle offered us to sit around the table that was in the middle of the ground floor. We each took a seat at the table. “So, may I ask what it is all about? I don’t think I have personally acted in a way to upset the Volturi.”

“No, indirectly, you haven’t.” Jane continued. “We wanted to ask you a few questions regarding (Y/N). We think that you may have heard by now that she has left Volterra.”

“Yes, word came around. I met a few nomads from Europe some time ago, and they told me that (Y/N) left Volterra, probably permanently.”

I tried to suppress a sob that was fighting to leave my throat. Carlisle knew that (Y/N) left, everyone knew that (Y/N) left. They didn’t know she left her mate behind, and they shall never find out that she was my mate. I didn’t even want to think about the possibility of (Y/N) being in danger if anyone found out that we were mates. I had too many targets on my back to risk anything happening to her.

It was my turn to intervene. “Have you seen her? Has she ever come around here?”

Carlisle turned to face me. “I did. Once. She stayed with me for about a year; that was about 6 or 7 years ago. She tracked me through her memories. She has become quite skilled at that.” Demetri and I looked at each other confused. (Y/N) could track as skillfully as Demetri now?

Carlisle continued. “Anyway, she seemed concerned. She told me she had been traveling for quite some time, but she felt like she was missing a piece of herself, of her past. For a few months, she wanted to learn more about me, my job, how I was doing with the whole “animal blood” diet, simple curiosity really. She had been training herself to abstain from human blood, so it was easier for her to go hunt with me. She told me..”

Carlisle turned to look at me now. “She told me about your bond, Felix.” So, she has felt our bond, too! “She told me that she was scared for you, for your safety within the Volturi. She was worried about all of you, but particularly you, Felix. Being her mate means you are basically a target for anyone who wishes to harm (Y/N). She told me she ran away to protect you. As long as no one knew of your bond, you were safe. The traveling and meeting the world was just an extra benefit for her and her gift.”

“Her gift?!” We all exclaimed in unison. (Y/N) never claimed a “gift”, so how could this be possible? Did she lie? Did she even know about her gift?

“Before you say anything, she didn’t even know what her gift was. It is way more complicated than you think. I guess she’d appreciate it if I gave you an idea about it.” Carlisle paused for a few moments. If my heart was beating, I swear it would have stopped by now.

“You know how, for example, Jane, you can induce mental pain, or you, Alec, can restrict anyone’s senses?” The Twins nodded at Carlisle. “Well, (Y/N) can do both, and so much more.” We were kind of shocked. No one has ever had a gift similar to the Twins; that’s why they were in the Volturi. Because they were unique.

“(Y/N)’s gift is copying others’ gifts. That’s why she could also track me; she had copied Demetri’s gift.” Carlisle pointed at Demetri, who looked utterly shocked now.

I would lie if I said I didn’t feel the same way or scared even. I was not scared because of (Y/N); I was scared for (Y/N). This newly-found discovery meant she would be way more important to Aro than we ever thought. He wouldn’t just let her go - not that this was his intention before, but now, she would be even more precious to him and his cause; she would now be the perfect weapon for him to use against other vampires. I had to find her and warn her.

“Do you know where she is now?” My voice came out more stern than I intended it to be.

Carlisle nodded his head slightly. “I may know where she is now. Before she left, she was trying to find out as much as she could about her parents. I assume that was the “missing piece” she was referring to? Anyway, she may be after her parents. I mean they do know her nature better than any of us does. Don’t forget that (Y/N) is half-witch. No one could ever teach her how to be one; only her father could be the one to do so. So, if I stand corrected, she is looking for them. And there’s only one place that (Y/N) has ever linked to her parents.”

“Greece.” Demetri stepped in. Demetri was the only one who could understand (Y/N)’s connection with Greece; it was their birthplace, their origin, their true home.

“Exactly. If you find her parents, you’ll most likely find her. Even if she’s not with them, it will be easier to track her if you have her parents’ assistance.”

We nodded and we stood up. “Thank you for your help, Carlisle. You were most helpful.” Jane spoke for all of us.

“It was my pleasure.” Carlisle led us to the door, but before we left, Jane turned to him one last time. “We think we can trust you that this conversation stays between us.”

“Of course, Jane. Have a safe trip and take care of yourselves.”

“You too.” Alec smiled at Carlisle.

What Carlisle said at the end had me worried for (Y/N). “I hope you find her soon. Her parents never had the best reputation around.” What kind of people was (Y/N)’s family anyway?

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Tracking (Y/N) proved to be way more complicated and debilitating than we thought it would be. We assumed that the closer we were to Greece, the easier it would be for Demetri to pick up her tenor. We were wrong; we were going around blindly, not a clue about (Y/N)’s whereabouts. Even when we finally set our feet on Greek ground, we still didn’t know where to start looking for her. Nobody had a clue where she could be; we didn’t even know her birthplace.

Demetri took it upon him to start his research in a place he knew well enough: Athens. Athens was the capital of Greece’s civilization for many centuries, but, at the time of Demetri’s birth, during the Byzantine times, Constantinople emerged as the center of the Eastern Byzantine Empire, while Rome remained the center of the Western Byzantine Empire.

Athens was not regarded as highly as it used to, during Pericles’ “Golden Century”, as the 5th century BC was known. It still was an important and historical city, but it has lost its title as the “capital” eons ago. The city was taken advantage of by both “allies” and Ottomans and seemed to have lost part of its previous glory. Still, it was beautiful; I may have been quite “old” myself, but I could still admire the history around me.

It reminded of (Y/N)’s stories and books; knowing Ancient Greek history was one of the first things she took an interest in. The fact that she was able to travel to Athens, with or without Aro, quite a few times also developed her fascination regarding the Ancient Greek arts, philosophy, and overall way of living. Of course, it wasn’t easy being a woman then, or ever really, but she was more financially privileged than the average Athenian - vampire wealth had always been an actual thing, and Aro always prided himself to be a “collector” of wealth (and talented vampires for the matter).

We arrived in Greece at a transitional stage; the country has been experiencing a war against the Ottomans for a few years now, and it was evident around the city of Athens. There were many casualties during the war, many damages around the streets, the houses, and there seemed to be a climate of misery and decline.

Yet, the country had recently elected a prime minister, who declared Nafplio, a city in Peloponnese, as Greece’s capital. That was our next stop, as we couldn’t find anything in particular that could indicate (Y/N) being in Athens. Apart from the poor living conditions, the country was experiencing a plague pandemic wave, which killed even more people, but authorities worked hard on containing the cases, and it seemed to have been working.

Still, without a single clue about (Y/N)’s location, the only thing we could do is go around searching for any possible information. We could only travel at night, and hide during the day; Greece, just like Italy, had always been blessed with sunny days, for the majority of a calendar year.

It wasn’t ideal with us being vampires, but Volterra was an ideal strategic location for the Volturi to travel across the vampire and human world, rule, and impose their laws whenever it was needed. Just like always, we now also had to be secretive about our existence.

I thought about how lucky (Y/N) was in that situation; being a non-fully vampire, she didn’t “glow” in the sun like us. She had a more healthy-skin-like glow, a healthy and subtle glow that made me even more attracted to her - if that was even possible. That basically meant that she could technically go anywhere and everywhere; the weather did not affect her, the sun did not affect her.

I started getting frustrated and disappointed. It wasn’t only (Y/N) I had in my mind; apparently, during the years of the Greek Revolution, many vampires, Greek or non-Greek, started secretly fighting to claim territories for themselves.

We knew that it wasn’t part of our duty, but it wouldn’t hurt if we could actually claim Greek land for the Volturi. Having both Italy and Greece under our control could mean more power, more resources, more blood. It only seemed natural; the three Volturi kings were born in Greece, all three of their wives were born in Greece, Demetri and Chelsea were born in Greece. (Y/N) was born in Greece.

Greece could easily become an extension of our territory - Italy was already ours in its entirety - and it would only be the start. It would be easier to control and deal with any possible riots from other covens - the Egyptians and the Romanians in particular. We didn’t fear either of them, but the Romanians have been holding resentment towards the Volturi for a couple thousand years, so anything could be expected from their side at any moment.

I shared my thoughts with the Twins and Demetri. They all agreed that it was a plausible plan; it would show others that the Volturi are still as powerful as they have ever been, and should be feared. Besides, we knew that just the four of us would be able to subjugate any vampire that crossed our paths. With the Twins’ powers, Demetri’s tracking skills, and my strength, it would be impossible for others to resist or challenge us.

We started interrogating any vampire we found wandering or hunting at night; none of them worthy enough to fight us or even gifted enough to join the Volturi. It was quite easy to find the leaders of these “newly-made” covens, or alliances, as they seemed. Because none of them inspired loyalty to each other; none of them was a coven in the sense the Volturi were. They were more like vampires who came together to fight for territory control; I doubt if they would even manage to stay together for one more day. They did not only lack loyalty towards their "leaders", but also discipline, principles, and basic rules of survival and solidarity towards the other members.

It was quite easy to take over any “coven” in Southern Greece, including the island of Crete. We started moving north, taking over the territories of Thessaly and Epirus, something which the Greek humans did not manage to acquire from the Ottomans yet. We were to take over Macedonia and Thrace next, but we were met with an unexpected obstacle.

Every vampire we would interrogate regarding these two territories would say the same thing: none of them knew who owned them, but whoever tried to claim the territories never returned back, dead or alive. The mystery that surrounded the person or people behind the leadership of these areas made their skin crawl; they all refused to “help” us any further, no matter how much Jane, Alec, and I tried, which made me kind of worried, or more like curious, but I didn’t want to show any weakness or let them question my effectiveness.

Every one of them was just a “normal” vampire; we were better, stronger, gifted, and we have proved that we can bring results every single time. No other vampire has ever dared go against us; we wouldn’t allow them to question us now either.

We continued traveling up north, determined to face whoever it was behind the territories there. I didn’t pay attention to the slight pain in my guts as we were traveling through the country, but it was becoming more and more intense as we continued going north.

We didn’t know how we would find the vampires behind this “operation”, so our plan would be to act in any way possible to provoke them into coming out of their “hiding spot”. For a few days, we were rummaging any small village we could find, killing the villagers and draining them of their blood - not a very “Volturi tactic" may I say. We were supposed to hide our existence, not challenge our luck by killing so many people; yet, this was the only way we thought that could possibly lurk the vampires out of their “comfort zone”.

As we were traveling through Macedonia, we came across a rather developed town, compared to the villages we have seen before. The city was surrounded by tall stone walls. There were a few rivers on its western side, forests and mountains on its northeastern side, and swamps and marshes on its southern side. We couldn’t hunt freely here, at least not during daylight; there was no way we would go unnoticed if we started hunting anywhere in the area. We decided to run through the forests, see if there was a place we could stay for a while; if there was a human or more we could feed off of; if there was a sign of the vampires or (Y/N).

During the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking that our mission has been more about expanding our power and influence, and not as much about locating (Y/N). Actually, it felt more like locating (Y/N) was more of an afterthought now. We lost the purpose of our mission; the reason we came together all along.

It wasn’t as if we would actually be directly benefiting by the territories we claimed; we were still working on behalf of the Volturi. We didn’t ask the kings to claim Greek territories; yet, we did, because we felt obliged to consider their own good once again, this time at the expense of finding (Y/N). Once again, we became the victims of the influence they had on us, and we played their game.

“Why are we even doing this?” I yelled frustratedly. My friends turned to look at me.

“What do you mean, Felix?” Jane seemed slightly annoyed. “We’ve come here to claim the territories, to show these savages who the boss is here.”

“No, Jane, they are not savages, we didn’t come here to claim territories, and we don’t have to show them “who is the boss”. They already know that the Volturi rule the vampire world. No. No. We came here to search for (Y/N). Not to “claim territories”. Not to “show them”. We came here for (Y/N). We..We lost our purpose. We lost the true meaning of our mission. We just started claiming the land for the Volturi, for Aro. We..We forgot about her.”

My eyes were stinking with venom. I felt weak, I felt as if I betrayed her. I promised to myself that I would bring her back home, that I would protect her. It’s been so long and we still haven’t found her. We just kept wasting time on things that shouldn’t matter to us. We should not care about expanding our influence, our territory, our power. We should care about bringing the Princess back.

Jane lowered her head apologetically. “I’m sorry, Felix. I didn’t know you felt this way. I have to admit it though; we did lose track of time and we forgot about the actual purpose of this mission. We once again forgot that (Y/N) has always been way more important than any power in the world. I’m sorry. We all are. I promised you we’ll start searching for her right away, okay?”

I nodded affirmatively. We had to find (Y/N) as soon as possible. We were not only running out of time but also out of hope that (Y/N) was in Greece or anywhere else, that she was alive. We got so distracted by our conversation that we didn’t notice we were being watched until we all started screaming in pain. I fell on my knees, the pain on the back of my head unbearable, and that’s when I blacked out.

----------------------------------------------------------

I didn’t know how much time passed being unconscious. It felt like a new sensation to me; being a bit over 2000 years old, I haven’t lost my senses once - except for the times Alec liked to play games on me. I didn’t feel like myself; it didn’t feel right. I didn’t like being restricted of my senses, especially now, especially here, in an unknown place. My mind was blurry and I couldn’t see anything distinct around me; I couldn’t see almost anything. I tried to move my hands around but I couldn’t as if the tightest rope in the world was holding me in place.

“No need to fight, sweetheart.” I heard a woman’s voice. “There is no way to escape.”

“Who are you? Why am I here? Where are the others?”

“Felix? Is that you?” I heard Demetri’s voice on my right.

“Demetri? Is that you? Where are Jane and Alec?”

“I am here.” I heard Alec’s voice on my left.

“Me too." Jane replied.

“Alexandre, please, I cannot start with this again.”

Suddenly, I could see again. I was still physically restricted, but my eyes could see them crystal clear and my mind was in order once again. The woman in front of me was very imposing, though of average size. Her long, curly hair framed her face beautifully and her piercing red eyes were piercing through my soul. The man standing next to her was only a few centimeters taller; he had short, straight hair, and his eyes were looking between the four of us sternly. Who were they even? Why were we even here? Why us? As if she read my mind, a woman spoke to me.

“Oh, deary. We’re not going to tell you who we are. But you are going to tell us what you, Volturi guards, are doing in our territory!”

“How do you know who we are?” I exclaimed. Of course, everyone knew the Volturi as the authority of the vampire world, but not all vampires around here have ever met us specifically, or any other member of the coven for the matter.

“Your crest, dear. I have known that crest for far too long. Way before you were even born. I see that dear Aro never changed it. He does like to remain in his same, old ways after all. Never changing, never moving forward, still imposing his “laws”, I’m assuming?” The woman seemed to know way far about the Volturi and Aro. She became a danger for our coven, from the moment she and the man abducted us. She should have never done that; they both would be punished for their actions.

“Dear, I won’t get punished..for anything. You, on the other hand, are in a pretty difficult situation. You see, my husband and I are not going to let you get away until you tell us why you are here.”

“Pain.” I heard Jane saying. The woman turned to look at her but she didn’t even flinch. I heard Jane screaming in return.

“Oh, sweetheart. Your powers won’t work on either of us. You see, I am a shield, so don’t even try to hurt us. On the contrary, WE can hurt you just as much, if not more.” The woman smiled evilly, while Jane was writhing in pain.

“Please, stop hurting my sister.” Alec pleaded, unable to use his gift against the couple.

“So, you are the “Terror Twins”. Alec and Jane, I see.” The woman knew their nickname? “Oh, yes, I do, dear.” She turned to look at me. “You see, I was once part of the Volturi. Technically, still am. However, I left, way before any of you joined the coven. To put it into perspective, I was there when Didyme lived but I left way before she was killed. Dear Marcus has never been the same ever since. I still feel somewhat of a connection to the coven, though I am able to make my own decisions because I managed to escape them. We were actually passing by Volterra a few times. I wonder how you never noticed us, though our powers would practically make us mentally invisible from Demetri, over here, or any other vampire, really.”

She knew Demetri, too?

“Felix, dear, I know all of you and about you. You see, my dear daughter has a special connection with all of you, a kind of friendship neither my husband, nor I quite understand. It wasn’t easy for her to keep her memories secret; though she is an amazing shield - which makes me so proud, she is kind of “vulnerable” when she is sleeping. And my husband’s magic is quite strong and easy to penetrate her mind and memories when she does eventually sleep.”

Her daughter? Could that be…?

“WHERE IS SHE?” The question slipped out of my mouth without even thinking about it first.

My anger could not be controlled right now. I was pushing myself to my limits to break my fetters, to no avail. Were that woman and that man (Y/N)’s parents? I started making some connections here and there; they looked similar to (Y/N), though so different at the same time. Their immortality, their red eyes, their confidence, and their aggression did not remind me of (Y/N). She had a pure face, a face of kindness, she was not like them.

“You think so? Alexandre, can you please call (Y/N), agapi mou?” The woman turned to the man, and the man started moving his fingers in front of him, creating some sort of a wave around him.

Within a few seconds, the door burst open and the first thing I saw was a red silky fabric flowing around the air. When the fabric settled down slowly, I saw her for the first time after so long. She has changed..a lot. Her (Y/E/C) eyes were replaced by piercing red ones, with a slight hint of (Y/E/C) around the pupils. Her eyes apathetic and stern; her facial features more defined; her hair reached a little below her shoulders, straight and shiny, like her father’s. She still looked as beautiful as ever.

She stared at us, focusing her eyes mostly on me. Her heartbeat sounded steady and strong. I was relieved; she was still human, they had not turned her fully vampire yet. She took a few steps farther into the house, her feet bare but surprisingly clean, no dirt, no grass had stained them. She stood right beside the woman, who I now knew was her mother and Aro’s daughter.

“What are they doing here?” Her voice came out stern, yet it was music to my ears.

I missed her voice so much. I missed her so much. Our mate bond, weakened by the distance and time spent apart, slowly started forming again. I felt it; I felt my existence becoming meaningful again. I felt my breath hitching in my throat, her presence provoking so many different feelings and emotions inside me. However, she still seemed cold and distant, and I couldn’t quite read her face. Did she not feel the same? Has she forgotten me? Does she hate me now?

I saw her gaze getting softer, even compassionate? She approached me and bent down slightly, placing her left hand carefully on my right cheek. She stared deeply into my eyes and I closed mine, leaning on her touch. It was the purest moment I have experienced in my 2000 years of life.

I opened my eyes and stared at her. I saw golden flakes scattered in between the red in her eyes. Once again, she took my breath away. It felt as if I fell in love with her all over again, a unique feeling of refreshment. We were lost in our own little world. She smiled slightly at me, the first time she did after such a long time.

“Enough! (Y/N) get away from him, now!” (Y/N) was forcefully removed away from me by her mother. She was looking at me pleadingly and then turned to look at her parents with such hatred. I’ve never seen her like this ever again, not even with Aro.

“YOU. WILL. NOT. TELL. ME. WHAT. TO. DO!” If looks could kill, (Y/N)’s parents would be dead by now. Her hands started lighting up, bright purple flames rising up. She was trying to intimidate her parents, but neither of them looked concerned in the slightest. She turned to us and with a dance-like move of her hand, we were finally freed of our fetters.

It was her father’s turn to speak. “(Y/N), let’s take this outside.” With a jerking motion of his hand, we all found ourselves, outside, in their house’s front yard.

“They’ve come to take you back to Volterra, back to Aro! Don’t you see it? They don’t care about you! They just want to please their master.” The words came bitter out of her mouth. She had a clear resentment towards the Volturi. “I will not let them take you away from me! Not again!”

“I know, mother, I’ve read their minds, too. Yet, I don’t see why YOU seem to think that you can make the decisions for me. I am my own self. I can make decisions for myself. And I get to choose what I do with my life.” (Y/N)’s voice was certain, powerful, in control. “They are not bad people, mother. They just have to follow orders, just like you followed Aro’s orders, just like I followed yours. That’s not going to happen anymore. I am taking control of my life!”

The sweet, little girl I got to see my whole life was becoming a strong, powerful woman right in front of my eyes. She was radiating power; she was taking control of her life. She was..my everything. She was becoming independent, her own self. To say I was proud of her, would be an understatement. She has always been special, but this newly-found power has clearly given her way more confidence and trust in herself.

She would finally be able to rule the Volturi. If she decided to come back to Volterra, she could definitely take over the coven. No one would be able to resist her or her gift. My thoughts were quickly interrupted when her dad started shouting in Greek.

Demetri, who was standing right next to me, saw the look of total confusion in my eyes. “I’ll translate for you.” I nodded at him. “So, her father says: Enough with this nonsense, (Y/N). Your place is here, with us. You owe us; we taught you what you needed to know about your magic. We taught you how to use it, how to develop it. You didn’t know enough to defend yourself back then.”

“Now, (Y/N) says: I don’t owe you anything. Yes, you did teach me how to use my magic, which I inherited from you. But, you gave me away to Aro. You couldn’t defend me or yourselves against him. You just offered me to him, as if I was a present for his birthday or something.”

“Now, her mother says: You, at least, owe it to yourself to get away from these tyrants. You know they don’t deserve you, so why are you still defending him? It’s that man, isn’t it? Now, (Y/N) says: That man has a name. Now, her mom says: You know, his name means “lucky”, "happy" in Greek. Yet, he hasn’t been that lucky or happy at all, has he? We read his mind, (Y/N), he’s not worthy of you.”

“Now, (Y/N) says: Guess what? I have also read his mind, and I have also read the two of you, as well. Don’t you think that it is only you who can read my mind while I’m sleeping! I’ve been reading your minds any chance I get! I know how you’ve been planning to use me, as a weapon against the Volturi! Guess again! I’m not going to let you manipulate me anymore! And that man deserves EVERYTHING in this world!”

“ENOUGH!” Her father shouted and threw a dark red glowing sphere, hitting (Y/N) and knocking her on the ground. My heart dropped at the sight, but she quickly stood up and gathered so much energy in her own hands, attacking her father with a powerful hit.

He got wounded, his face slightly cracked from his forehead to his jaw, yet he didn’t give up. He was about to attack her once again when his wife stopped him. She was looking at me and nodded to her husband. I heard (Y/N) screaming, but I didn’t make out what she was saying, as I started screaming myself and felt myself getting tossed in the air. Then, everything went black once again.

[faebriel]

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

-

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

[0dirty-deals0]

idea inspired bc my bf likes to hold my boobs when we cuddle/sleep. i asked him why he likes he likes too but he got all shy and stopped. i want my tiddies grabbed so everytime we cuddle i slip his hand under my shirt so he knows he can do it. so maybe the brothers reactions to female mc grabbing their hands and doing that? hope that's ok! + sorry for the mini story 😔

The Brother's reaction to Mc letting them feel the tiddy:

Warning: Not really n/s/f/w, but chest feeling is mentioned. Chest is generalized so reader can be read as Gender Neutral.

Lucifer:

◇The first time you place his free hand on your bare chest is while you're sitting on his lap, keeping him company while he works per his request. He is incredibly confused by your action and raises a single brow to signify it. You do realize he still has work to do, right? As much as he wants to mess you up, he can't at the moment.

◇You have to bluntly tell him that this is just a comforting gesture to you. He won't question you any further but he will start wondering what other strange interactions humans have nowadays.

◇After a while he starts to notice how soft and warm your skin is under his hand and how comforting the rise and fall of your chest is. His tense form slowly relaxes and he finds himself at ease.

◇He's put in a good mood the whole day because of that gesture and he finds himself finishing some of his work quicker as well. When days are particularly rough, he now likes to hold you in private while resting his hands on your bare chest. Don't try to tease him about it while he has you in his grasp because this man will squeeze and tease back harder than you did.

Mammon:

♤The two of you were enjoying a rare, quiet moment in your room. You and Mammon laid on the bed close to one another and that's when a brilliant idea popped into your head. He was already a blushing mess when you took his hands but the moment you guided them under your shirt to place them on your bare chest he let out a strange screech like noise in the back of his throat, his face looked as red as Lucifer's vest.

♤He's quick to stutter out a, "What the hell do ya think you're doing!?" Even after you say that this is just a comforting feeling to you he's still a flustered mess.

♤He immediately notices how soft and warm your skin is under his hand and he's holding back from squeezing. He's in heaven but like hell he'd admit it.

♤If you try to pull away he'll prevent you from doing so. He'll quickly adjust your positions so he's spooning you from behind, hiding his face with your back as he tries to calm himself. He's always greedy to have you in his grasp. Even though he may 'protest' when you try this again, he won't completely fight you on it. He makes you promise not to do this with any of his other brothers.

Leviathan:

◇It was no secret that you loved teasing Leviathan here and there. His reactions were some of the cutest. So one day while sitting on his lap, you had the bright idea of slowly sliding his hands up your shirt while he was distracted watching a new anime of his. He didn't react much at first until he heard you gasp once his ice cold hands made contact with your skin, that was when the magic happened.

◇While Mammon had a weird scream in his throat, Levi actually let out a shrill shriek. You jumped at how loud it was but his hands still never left your chest. There are no words to describe how flustered and embarassed Levi was in that very moment.

◇He subconciously squeezed your chest due to his twitching fingers, the feel of how soft and warm they were under his cold hands rendered him completely speechless. He couldn't speak, he was just, frozen.

◇You tried to pull away after thinking that you may have finally broken him but he wouldn't let you go. He used his legs to trap you where you were, burying his face in the crook of his neck, anime left completely forgotten. He's fully enjoying how warm you are even though he's completely embarassed. If you ever want him to hold you this close again, this is possibly one of the many best ways of doing so. Just, please give him a warning before he actually dies.

Satan:

♤You two were initially studying in his room but the topic of different kinds of species came up and it sort of spiralled from there. He expresses that certain human media show fondness for chests though he could never understand why. You offer a more intimate research to see if you can help him understand, to which he agrees.

♤He's confused when you gently take his hands but his face slowly turns a light shade of red when you guide them up your shirt and onto your bare chest. He has to ask several times if this is really okay with you and you agree.

♤He knew humans were soft and warm but you just felt so different to the rest. The way you felt to him was incredibly comforting and the way your chest moved as you breathe was something he found oddly soothing even though he knew it was a normal thing living beings did.

♤He finds it super hard to pull his hands away but he didn't want to make you uncomfortable. He mumbles out how he thinks he can understand why some are fond of that particular area now. You can't help but tease him and say that he's always free to have another physical session if he'd like and he surprises you by agreeing to it. He soon discovers that the feeling of your chest really soothes him in a way he never knew possible.

Asmodeus:

◇You and Asmo were having your weekly self care session when this happened. While drying yourself after a relaxing soak in tub, Asmo talks about how he can guess a persons chest size, no matter the gender, just by feeling them. You called bullshit on this skill of his. He asked how he could prove it and the only thing you could think to do was grabbing his hand and placing it on your bare chest.

◇He's incredibly taken back by the forwardness of your actions that he actually forgets how to speak for a while. A few moments passes and he tells you your chest size. (If you knew your size to begin with, his answer was right.)

◇Still, even after he's given you his answer he's not willing to let go just yet. He gives your chest a bit of a squeeze and marvels at how nice it feels. He's been with many demons and humans, maybe even other creatures best unmentioned but he's never met someone with a chest close to perfection like his own. He wonders how everything about you is almost as perfect as he is.

◇Honey you started it, so best be prepared because now (with your consent beforehand) he's going to get a feel of your chest every chance he gets when you two are alone. He finds it very addicting to do so and it doesn't even lead to something sexual most of the time, he just genuinely enjoys the way they feel in his grip.

Beelzebub:

♤You were watching a human movie with Beel and everything was going fine, besides the fact that the movie was getting a little boring. A certain scene came up where the main couple were sleeping together and one of the characters had a hand on their lover's chest. Beel breaks the long comfortable silence to ask if it's a nice feeling to humans when a person touches their chest. You shrug and say that you like the feeling but you're not sure about how others feel about it.

♤He then asks if it's equally as nice to hold someone's chest and that's when you offer if he'd like to try. He grows flustered and doesn't say a word even while you guide one of his hands to your chest.

♤He's incredibly scared of hurting you, you'll have to reassure him that giving a small squeeze won't cause you pain. He does so with such care that that it makes you giggle at how sweet he is. His eyes seem to light up at how soft your skin and makes a reference that your chest feels like a marshmallow, causing you to laugh.

♤Your chest is now Beel's favourite thing to hold when you two are sleeping together. The way your chest moves to signify you're still alive and breathing brings Beel a lot more comfort than you realize, especially when he wakes up from a nightmare of his. It's more of a soothing and comforting gesture than a sexual one to him.

Belphegor:

◇It was normal for you and Belphie to sometimes sleep together after school and it was also normal for you to wake up hours earlier than him. If you were cuddling up to anyone else, moving wouldn't be such a big problem, but Belphie has an iron grip on you the moment he feels you try to leave. You can't even trick him, he just knows. So you accept your fate as his giant breathing pillow and decide to look through your D.D.D. while playing with his hair.

◇He suddenly moves you around so you're laying on your back and he's laying on his side with his limbs wrapped around you. Not one to waste an opportunity, you decide to play around with the arm that rested across your stomach. You flop it around at first, amazed that it doesn't stir him from his sleep, then you had the idea of placing his hand on your chest.

◇That's when he stirs a bit from his sleep, looking at your embarrassed face and then at where his hand is placed. He clicks his tongue and gives your chest a small squeeze, muttering out a 'nice,' before laying his head back onto your shoulder. It was such an odd experience that you couldn't help the stream of snickers that left your lips, despite being embarrassed at first.

◇He doesn't remember much of what happened and you don't really think it's that important to bring it up. However, while Belphie doesn't remember, his body sure does. His hands will start to roam on their own whenever you two sleep together and will make their way under your shirt to your chest. He doesn't know why he does it and you don't know why either, but the two of you are comfortable with it so you don't particularly mind.

Others: Ahh, I loved this request so much but holy shit I had to redo it like 3 times XDD IN THIS HOUSE, WE WORSHIP ALL TIDDIES! Thank you for the request anon! I'm a little insecure about this post so feel free to tell me if this wasn't what you wanted! Thank you for reading!!!

[oppabimbab]

chasing euphoria | jeon jungkook

genre : angst, smut(only a little)

parts : 1/2

pairing : jungkook x reader

synopsis : you didn’t see it coming when jungkook confessed that he likes you. how can you expected that coming when he is the person that your best friend is in love with? no matter what happens; you can’t be in love with him so it ends with rejection from you to him. but why does some kind of spark starts to twinkle in your heart, especially when he is no longer making his way, to you?

words count : 3683 words

side note : i literally questioned myself why am i doing with this fanfic???lmaoo sorry if its bad because i just write what comes in my mind bc im bored. lol im dead

✻ Fanfics Archive ✻

“Jungkook, har-harder,” you whimper, arching your back as he pumps inside you with so much force while spreading your legs as wide as he could. You hold on to both of his arms at your sides for support as your body bounce on the bed—looking like a hot mess as ever. He grunts before lowering his body on top of you to suck on your neck like a greedy beast—very unlike of him off bed.

“Tell me how you want me to do with this pussy?” he whispers, planting sloppy and wet kisses along the neck—causing you to moan louder when he found the sweet spot, both in your pussy and neck. It’s crazy how he can send you to another type of universe just by his mouth and hands. You almost lose your vision when Jungkook pushes himself to hit your all with the tip of his cock like tomorrow doesn’t exist. A gush of air escape your lungs, leaving you breathless.

“Don’t stop. Please don’t stop,” you cry out loud along with moan escaping your dry mouth, making him chuckle. Taking your breast into his mouth, he begins to synchronise his thrust along the sloppy sucking move on your chest. A trail of groans and grunt leave his mouth—looking straight into your eyes whenever he has the chance to do so. His eyes, they are flaming with desire and love. What a perfect combination. Your legs tremble a lot, wanting to cum around his cock so much while chanting his name that never leaves your system. To ease the tense, you wrap them around his waist—nails clawed into his muscular arms. For real, all you wanted is to keep moaning his name for the world to know how good he makes you feel.

“Jungkook! Jungkook!” You scream, filling the air with nothing but moan and his name. The bed creaks as his pace quickened for both of you to reach the climax together.

“I like you,” he whispers with eyes striking into yours. Butterflies in your stomach starts to build when his honeyed voice fills your system. Arched back, eye contact, you try to process the words even you know you have lost your mind the moment he stares at you like his life depends on it. He is fucking hot and gorgeous.

“So much,” Jungkook grunts, thrusting into you for the last time before you cum around him—few second before he fills himself inside you as he collapse on top of you, kissing you for millionth times.

The tingly skin and thumping chest make your wild dream disappears in a blink of eyes as you open your eyes, along with the sweat dripping on the forehead. The quiet and dark room, only a hint of light that escaped from the moon, makes you realise you’ve been dreaming the same shit again. Including tonight, It’s third time this week and you don’t know why the hell you have been dreaming about Jungkook fucking you in some kind of way you have no idea about.

Especially when you have made it clear to him—you’re not having the same feeling as he does, toward you. You flinch when you can feel the sudden wetness is pooling down to your core—sensitive and throbbing, because of him. Slowly, you curl up to make the itchy feeling go away.

It has been a week ever since that day happened. Actually, you’re not sure how long has it been but the thing is, you know for sure how long has it been since both of you stopped talking to each other like you guys always did. It feels like forever and you wonder why you couldn’t get him off your mind from that day.

Hugging your knees, closer to your chest—you start to reminisce the way his eyes gleamed at yours—the way his voice sounded like a sugar coated candy. The way those words came out from his mouth— Something you had expected the least from him ever since you laid your eyes on that man.

“I like you. Like a lot,” Jungkook spoke, breaking the short and comfortable silence between both of you as he looked at you, who was munching on the tiny bit of chocolate croissant that you stole from him.

The time seemed like it has froze around you—the street light looked like it was going to fade—the cold breeze of that night felt like burning your skin, rushing the hot blood straight to your face— your feet, they didn’t feel like it touched the ground because you for sure knew you were not in the reality.

Everything became weird and leaving you and him—staring at each other for a few seconds before you blinked at him, with a small giggle escaped your lips.

“What did you say?” you raised an eyebrow as you tried so hard to sound like you didn’t hear him well enough when everything was crystal clear. For some reason, you needed to hear him twice. You needed to hear him wrong.

“You heard me,” his voice didn’t sound light, it was more intense and serious—dead serious as his darkened gaze strike straight into your soul. Even with the little fear, you managed to stare at him back—looking at his beautiful dark brown orbs under the dim street light along with the long lashes complimenting his eyes.

You know Jungkook speaks louder with his eyes and when you saw there was a sparkle in those eyes—he was telling the truth which left you speechless. He was dead serious. He likes you. He fucking likes you. When did that happen? Why did this happen?

You froze on your seat the moment you caught his gaze while trying to swallow the remaining piece of that sweet thing in your throat. It was supposed to be sweet but why did it taste bitter? The hot frappuccino in your hand was left untouched as you looked at him—forcing yourself to process the words even you have lost a piece of your mind.

“Jungkook...” you let a small squeak after few seconds of silent stare to each other. His name sounds familiar in your mouth—completely dropping the honorifics when both of you are away from office. Breaking the eye contact, you looked away from his dangerous eyes. Looking anywhere but him. Your chest—it felt like it was going to burst anytime soon. He hums, staring at you with so much hope.

“Why? Why do you like me?” you added. A very cliche question, almost sound like an amateur high school girl, who had 0 experience in love but for real, you wanted to know why this gorgeous man had his heart for you. You wanted to know why even you know it wasn’t supposed to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way.

Jungkook re-positioned himself on the cold bench in the park, looking at the direction you were looking—you can see a soft smile appeared on his lips from the corner of your eyes.

“Just like others, I like the physical first,” his voice fills the space.

“You’re beautiful. Damn beautiful,” he added—more like whispering. You bit your lower lip at the words. The way he uttered them, you didn’t know that words would sound ethereal and sexy like this. His words—they felt like his touch. It left tingly feeling under your skin.

“But, I like what’s inside you even more. Quirky, bright, funny, dorky,” he chuckled as he brought his gaze to you—looking at you from the side.

“I don’t know but I like you so much. I want you to know that,” he whispered—not going to lie, you knew there were a hint of hopes in his voice when he spoke. You knew he wanted more from you from the way he caught your eyes. For some reason, you knew nothing would change even he chanted thousand I love you’s.

“Thank you. I appreciate it so much,” you cocked your head to the side and met his eyes. Swear to god, they lost the spark the moment you spoke the words. Jungkook was a bright man, for sure he knew what you meant. With just few lines, he should knew that nothing would go far from this.

He stared at your eyes—more like reading them like a journal. Just like the sweet gentleman he is, he nodded with a soft smile. A small faded smile.

“I wish I knew the reason why,”

“I can’t return the same thing. I’m sorry,”

“I understand,” he nodded. Both of you stared at each other without any words or sound. Just 2 pair of eyes speaking to each other.

“I envy the man who gets your heart,” he scrunched his nose before chuckling—more like a bland giggle to hide the pain in his voice. One thing for sure—he never take his eyes off you. You smiled at him, apologetically.

“I’m sorry,”

When the night passed, both of you spent the night with nothing but silences. The silences that almost killed you inside especially when he sent you home, that was the last time you met his eyes before he drove away, leaving you with an unknown broken heart.

After 3 years of graduating from college and only few months since you started your career—you didn’t know Jungkook would be the first person you would see after leaving those memories of college behind. Well, you can’t say you are that close with him in college days but you are definitely are familiar with him even for sure he has no idea about your existence.

Your best friend, Chaeyoung, loved him. Or still loves him. You still remember the nights where she spent just to talk about how gorgeous Jungkook is—who was one of the hottest senior student council in the college. How her voice reached few octaves when she saw him doing the bare minimum like breathing or walking to the classes—how she squeals like a little girl every time he smiled, even it was definitely not because of her.

Not to forget the way she bawled her eyes off all night when Jungkook graduated—which means no more squealing and screaming every time she sees him.

Everything about her first love experience was childish and interesting to you. Well, both of you and her, were too young to know what is love.

Love is indeed making someone crazy. Chaeyoung loved him so much even after graduating, she didn’t have the courage to let him know that. Even leaving to Canada for her work, she buried the feelings just like that. Deep inside, after few years have passed, you are positive she still feels the same toward him, knowing how loyal she can be sometimes.

The fact you didn’t tell her when you got to work in the same company with him—shows how deep your fear is. You don’t want her to think anything more than this. After 7 months working here—Jungkook is such a great senior to you. He has been that kind of person who would listen more than talk. He let you talk as he looks at you—trying to understand the each words that come out from your mouth. He is bad at making jokes but he makes you laugh with his smallest gesture. The way his eyes caught yours during meeting—cocking his eyebrow to make you confused what the hell is he trying to do. The way he speaks to you—he finds the best words knowing the relationship you both shared is nothing more than just a boss and an amateur worker. You are not complaining. You love the boundary between you and him because you don’t plan to go any further than this. You can’t go any further than this.

In times, when both of you didn’t notice the changes, the relationship becomes closer and affectionate where he would casually ask you out for lunch, dinner or sometimes, a night date at your favourite park. You wouldn’t call it a date but somehow, you realise something has changed between you two. The way the conversation becomes longer than usual—the way his laugh sounds more genuine than he sounds like before— the way his eyes caught yours everytime you talk about your day.

For some reason, you find that being with him is the most comfortable moment for you.

You wonder—what is this? When did this bond happened? When did it comes from only knowing his image from your best friend to completely know his favourite movie and food? Why are you here instead of Chaeyoung? Nobody sees this coming—especially you.

Now, when that unknown relationship starts to build between you and him—it is scattered just like that. In a blink of eyes. Just in a night.

He likes you. That sounds like a dream. More like a dream that you thought will never comes true. You know for the fact that he is a one gorgeous man. The girls would swoon over him every time both of you go out for a business lunch. You can see how many women seemed star strucked every time he flashes that smile when he comes to the office, looking so damn hot in the suit and cases.

After all these years, you finally understand why Chaeyeong was completely head over heels for years—for him.

Taking your phone from the desk, you stare at the notification bar. A heavy sigh leaves your mouth when there is no text from him. It has been a week and don’t know why it kills you inside. The lifestyle has completely changed. There is no more small smile that you both would steal from each other every time you go to his department.

There is no casual talk that would light up the space every time the work stresses you too much. It has been a week—with you avoiding him—with him avoiding you. Eye contacts were stolen but his eyes left you unspoken when he quickly looks away from your eyes.

But, for real, it should be like this. You can’t be in love with him. It really should be like this.

***

You stretch out lazily on the chair after 3 hours of cramping your ass—organizing the documents for next month’s event. A small whimper leaves your mouth as you glance over the clock on the table. It’s already past 1pm, the only answer to why your stomach is screaming for food. Well, you skipped breakfast this morning as you were running late—thanks to the late night thoughts that have been keeping you awake all night. Screw this shit. You don’t know how long will it take for you to brush the thoughts away completely.

“Hey, are you coming?” Wendy, your desk mate disturb your thoughts as she sits on your table—looking at you while swiping the burgundy lipstick all over her lips.

You frown at her.

“To where?” you ask. Wendy raises her eyebrow.

“To company lunch? It’s Jaehyun’s birthday. He is treating everyone today,” she winks before putting the lipstick into her bag—smoothing the pencil skirt that have been complimenting her gorgeous curves. She looks at you as if she wants you to get ready and go with her.

The thing is—you don’t feel like going. No grudge towards Jaehyun though but everyone knows how close Jungkook and Jaehyun are. Of course, he will be there too. That means, you’re going to spend another few hours, avoiding his existence? The best solution is not going. Case solved.

“I think i’m going to grab some sandwich and coffee instead. I’ve told him I don’t feel well,” you crack a small smile at the blonde girl—praying that she won’t notice the slight changes in your behaviour these past few days. Wendy comes closer and touch your forehead with a concern expression all over her face.

“Do you want to go to hospital?”

You scoff at yourself. Of course, hospital for messy mind.

“No, thank you babe. Quick nap and food, i’m going to be okay,” putting the documents aside, you pat Wendy’s back and urge her to leave or she will miss the birthday lunch. Wendy giggles.

“Sure. Call me if you need anything, baby girl,” she pats your chin before clanking the 5-inches heels on the marble floor—leaving you alone in the office. You look around. Almost empty during lunch hours, making you choose nothing but to go out to get your quick sandwich and coffee. You swear to god, where the hell the energy go? Somehow, you have lost it and it’s not very professional to let this personal matter to interrupt your whole mood.

With heavy steps, you grab your purse and leave the office to go get something to eat. Quick sandwich because you don’t feel like eating.

When you arrived at the usual cafe, the cafe looks busier than usual—leaving you standing at the side, frustrated. But, whatever. The screaming inside your stomach is going wilder and you don’t want to spend another few hours with empty stomach before you eat your first meal of the day which is dinner. Life is hard but not to extent to ruin your body.

As the crowd have gone calm a bit, you immediately bring yourself in the order line at the counter while looking at the menu.

But, your eyes catch someone—who looks very familiar. Too familiar and you thought you could avoid him today but God plays no games with you. He is here—only few centimetres apart.

It’s Jungkook—standing in front you, handing a card to the cashier. When he notices someone is staring, he slowly tilts his head, just to look back to your eyes—that are fixed on him. It’s definitely weird to see him this way after the rejection. It’s odd to look at him this long after these past few days—ignoring each other.

“Hi,” he squeaks, loud enough just for you to hear. When you hear his voice, a sudden adrenaline starts to pump inside you. Not sure why but there is a sudden excitement just by looking at him this way. You’re crazy. You know.

“Hi,” you crack a small smile, curling your mouth into thin line, adjusting the way you stand before you tell the order to the barista. Slowly, you look back to him.

“I thought you are going to Jaehyun’s birthday lunch,” you break the silence when you notice he doesn’t look like he has any topic to talk about. He raises an eyebrow before he chuckles and shakes his head.

“Then, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to join too?” he asks—looking at your order on the counter. You shrug.

“I don’t really well so sandwich it is,” you manage to put on a grin even deep inside, both of you know how awkward this conversation sounds like. It doesn’t feel right but none of you know how to make it right.

The expression on his face changes slightly. You wonder why.

“Are you okay?” his voice—there is a hint of concern, which is leaving you with nothing but a small gush of excitement.

You nod.

“I’m fine,” you convince him. He curls his lips into thin line—making his small dimple comes to sight. How can this man be hot and cute at the same time? You take the food on the counter, waiting for him to say anything but it leaves you to no avail. Only silences.

“I have to go. See you around,” when he put the card back into his wallet, he cocks his head to you as he looks like he is rushing back. You smile at him, wanting to open your mouth to say something before you hear someone calls his name.

You look at the direction. There is a woman—almost as tall as you, looking so petite and pure—like how first love would look like. Short hair, bright eyes, angelic smile—what else? She looks so damn beautiful, you can’t deny.

Jungkook immediately looks at her—his face changed. You saw that. It lights up with some kind of expression you have no idea what it looks like but you haven’t seen them before.

You freeze on your feet—still staring at the woman with so much adoration. It’s weird because you know something isn’t right but you choose to ignore the way how happy she looks like when Jungkook looks at her. Then, you finally understand something.

“I see. You’re on date,” you chuckle at him—sending him a teasing smile even for sure, you know your heart isn’t in that state to do so. You’re not sure why you’re chuckling when your heart definitely is clenching at the thought.

Jungkook gives you a small smile as he rubs his nape.

“Not really, just a quick lunch,” he utters, meeting your eyes. Those eyes—goddamn beautiful. You don’t know you have been missing them until today.

“Have a nice day,” you squeak for the last time as you bid him goodbye before you grab the food’s bag tightly in your hands—turning your back to him, you count the steps to leave the cafe. He doesn’t call you—your expectation is ruined. But, on what reason for him to stop you from leaving? There is nothing to say anyway. Every steps—feel like something is throbbing a knife to your chest.

How bold were you to think, that perfect man couldn’t find someone better after you gave such a rejection? A rejection from you was nothing. From the moment you knew him, you are already out of his league and the fact that he said he likes you—might be a mistake. A stupid mistake he shouldn’t do.

How can the small excitement that happened few moments ago—is replaced by this unknown disappointment and heart break that you have no idea about.

Of course, he could find someone better—he should find someone better.

Quickened the steps, you want to know why your heart hurts a lot at the thought. Your heart clenches at the image of that woman—at the image how his face lights up when he saw her.

It hurts even more when deep inside, you know you want him to lay his eyes—only on you.

To be continued in the last part

[izukult]

This is such a cute idea! I’m addicted to making weirdly specific Spotify playlists so this is perfect. I have an ✨eclectic✨ music taste but my favorites are usually bedroom pop (mxmtoon, chloe moriondo, khai dreams, etc), romantic classical (think Debussy and Revel), and indie (although I like some Megan Thee Stallion, AC/DC, Nirvana, etc when I’m hyping myself up). As far as my personality goes, I’m pretty insightful and like to support people whenever I can, even if I don’t know them well. I can be a little chaotic sometimes, but I like to think it’s a chaotic good. I love tea, blankets, philosophy, deep conversations, the outdoors, and writing. I’m also an INFP and a Taurus :)

Sorry if that was too much, thank you so much! Take care of yourself and stay well

- Elle ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

( @snoozless ) you don’t understand how bad i want to be your friend. 😐😐 ok so you kind of get bonus 😀 but it rly might not be bonus because akfjakdkw. so, i gave you matsukawa!! but he’s not always like revered about so if u want a character lmk!! i am. in love w him tho. you’re so sweet you would balance him out and yall would be equally chaotic together.

he would have philosophical questions w u!! he might just be a little blunt & might accidentally cut the convo short, but he would listen to everything you said.

he’s used to a wide variety of music bc i’m convinced the seijoh playlists are absolutely fucking cracked like so loud. so he really could sit there and listen to anything. and i mean ANYTHING. like if you wanted to put on christian rock he’d awkwardly try to tap his foot on beat for you.

but, that doesn’t mean he’s gonna geek over you i feel like he’d be pretty private about the relationship. he’s not like secretive but he’s not gonna post you every two seconds yknow? he wouldnt put prom photos, but if yall went to look at the stars or go on a little hike he’d take a pic and youre wearing baggy sweats and one of his shirts and your hair isnt brushed for shit and it’s way too dark to properly make your face out and he’d put that shit on his main absolutely 😒

this man would be the kind of mf to look up his “crush’s” zodiac just for shits & giggles, so if he randomly knows a taurus fact, don’t question it<3 (he looked up your compatibility and he will take that to the grave)

issei is an infp idc. so yall got that in common.

he’s genuinely so pretty.

bc i took so long, i’m going to put descriptions for all the songs i love you thanks for requesting sorry for taking forever i’ll link the playlist and list the songs<3

1. silly girl- chloe moriondo

okay while this song is actually kinda sad, i think tHIS is pretty cute. issei comes off as this intimidating guy, and the more you get to know him the more you forget ab this idea of him you had or whatever? like the lyrics “i made him perfect, cause i wanted him to be” are really prominent in the point i’m tryna make because like even tho the lyric is obviously sad bitch shit, music is up for interpretation and this is like “hello ok he actually a real mf and shiiit maybe he cool😁✊”

2. nice boys- TEMPOREX

kinda sad. i don’t care how unemotional he might act, everyone has shit that brings them down. PLUS HES A PISCES THERES NO WAY HES NOT SAD SOMETIMES. this song just really taps into insecurities for him, and the song just gets under his skin in like a very therapeutic way. also “because he’s a pisces” some of his emotions are super intense so the “because he cares too much” line hits him fuckin hard

3. IV. sweatpants- childish gambino

this is some shit he listens to more with his team, absolutely. no doubt they blare this shit during weekly practice. but, he really really likes the song. so, when you’re hanging out and he has the aux? it’s one of the first ones he puts on. you two jam to it together. he’ll come up w dumb little dances to fit with certain lyrics (stole some of them from oikawa and hanamaki, but he won’t tell you)

4. you get me so high- the neighbourhood

okay unfortunately i must say him and hanamaki get fuckin faded in empty fields at two am all trashy like. but they make it look good idc. and if you smoke, cool, if you don’t he does not care. he always associated getting high with,,, getting high and everytime he listened to this song it just was one of his getting blazed jams, but now he’s got like a different kinda “euphoric” feel with loving you? like i said this bitch is a pisces even if he doesn’t overwhelm you with affection, he thinks ab you 24/7

5. 80’s makeout session- dacelynn

thIS SONG IS SO CUTE. but it’s p self explanatory. in love and also spare a kiss pls

6. can i call you tonight- dayglow

i feel like actually coming to terms with genuine feelings for someone would be kind of weird for issei. like no offense, but he sees it as kind of a pain in the ass. i genuinely think he would be someone to put his all into work or a task in front of him. he’s super intuitive, and constantly uses it to be better. whether it’s in volleyball or like cremating ppl i guess (HE WORKS INA FUNERAL HOME POST TIME SKIP IF U DIDNT KNOW). and it’s the same in relationships, but it’s also harder because he can’t have this complete clear head because you make his brain go kinda fuzzy. so, this song is like his little way of expressing that even tho he was like ‘internally conflicted’ this mf chose to go for it and that’s how much u mean to him

7. clair de lune, L. 32- claude debussy

i’m gonna be fucking honest with you. even though he’ll listen to anything, i really don’t think this man is looking up ‘classical romance study tunes’ playlists in his free time. he definitely enjoys the music, but that’s only if someone points it out to him. and he’s listened to you talk about it before, and watched you as you heard the piano and gauged your reactions and thought u were pretty cute he’s not gonna lie😼. so he definitely just looked up classical romance and picked the first recommended song and added it on there. he’ll dance w you a lil bit, but it wouldn’t be that quiet, intimate slow dancing in the dark you think would come w this song. itd just be a little sway as he hugs you from behind while you get water, or he twirls you once randomly with a laugh UGH I LOVE HIM

8. like real people do- hozier

ok. this one was fun for me. idc. double meaning lol. so this song is literally about two dead bodies in a bog and ,,, and he works in a funeral home PLS LMAOFJAJDJA I THINK THATS SO FUCKING FUNNY AND SO DOES HE. but also this song literally is my idea of love. this is my idea of love. and yall listen to it, with your stupid little death joke, but he looks at you and he’s just like ‘oh’. yknow? YKNOW?

9. BS- still woozy

like i said, i think he puts a lot into work. and he literally plays for a powerhouse school there’s no way he doesn’t practice a lot. so that means there’s a lot of time where he’s physically not there and definitely can’t text, because he’s trying to improve. and while he wouldn’t stop volleyball for someone else, he understands that you are like super amazing for being so Cool with him not being the most available. the song just reminds him of how compassionate you are and also he does miss u when he’s at practice YKNOW?

10. i <3 u- boy pablo

this one made me so fucking soft ew. ok. this song reminds him of you so so much. he’s totally okay being vulnerable with you? and even though he has pretty heightened emotions, he’s never felt like so strongly for smth other than like ??? volleyball and caring ab his siblings (BUT HE FEELS DIFFERENT FOR U THAN HE DOES FOR A VOLLEYBALL AND HIS SIBLINGS PLEASE😁). HE LUVVVVV YOU

11. heart-shaped box- nirvana

so many reasons. for one, simply fucking JAM. yall would scream this on a drive. if you ever got drunk together, this would be the first song you play. also, little lyrics remind you of each other. (the pisces lyric in the first and third verse, and even tho the flowers aren’t being used in a sweet sense in the song he does remember talking ab flowers w u, and now any flower is mentioned and he’s like “ah yes. my girlfriend.”)

12. pluto projector- rex orange county

FUCK. FUCK THIS SONG. GOD. NO. LIKE HE REALIZES HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU WITH THIS SONG. HE T E L L S YOU HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU WITH THIS SONG. the first time, he just sends you the name of it like ‘pluto projector <3’ and you listen and it’s so sweet and ur like ayo turn this shit up. and he adds it to your playlist, which definitely gets a smile from you. and then one night like two weeks later youre just laying together, and he’s running his fingers through his hair and he pulls away for a second to grab his phone and he turns the song on and you just listen to it in silence and it’s so fucking intimate. and he’s just like “i don’t think i’ve ever related to a song more” and you think he’s making a joke so you tell him to shut up (also jokingly) and he just laughs and it’s dark in his room and he’s playing with your hair again and he just goes “god, if you’re telling me to shut up over that i don’t even want to imagine how you’re gonna react when i tell you i love you” and it’s right around 3:10 in the song i’m literally so gone for him. bye you cry and try to hide it but he can tell HES PERCEPTIVE

13. i wanna be yours- arctic monkeys

okay for one, it’s a good song. it’s a song he absolutely let’s play in the background, just to cover the static lol. but also? ALSO? THE TITLE APPLIES TO YOU THE FUCK? it’s as if,,, he’s whipped,,

14. supermassive black hole- muse

hanamaki prolly showed him this song, and it’s one of his vibe songs. he will do falsetto while singing it if he’s in a really good mood and it just makes everyone laugh, including himself. it actually kind of grosses him out, because this song used to literally just be a song he would aimlessly go hard to but NOW his little bitch ass is like “you set my soul alight”? i guess i relate and “oh baby, i’m a fool for you” well, surely i’m not a fool but yea i get you muse sing it. it’s so gross. at this point he wants one thing that doesn’t make him think of you, just to prove that he’s not that gone, but he struggling

15. desperado- rhianna

i’m sorry to say it but this song makes him feel like a bad bitch LMAOOOOO. like if he’s ever getting pregame jitters or anything, he will just play this song. whether it’s on the speaker or in his headphones, he puts this shit on full volume and gets a lil too cocky LOL. this is also on the main seijoh playlist no doubt. he wants to share his bad bitch song w you, so you can aLSO feel like a bad bitch?? dUH

IM SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT BABES! IF YOU WANT ANY OF THE SONGS CHANGED (or even the character) LMK!! UR AMAZING ur so sweet it makes me ill

[rawrevive]

My Vipassana Meditation Experience

I recently embarked on a 100 hour journey within myself over 10 days in beautiful Onalaska, Washington. Vipassana meditation is one of India’s oldest meditation techniques taught in India more than 2500 years ago as a universal remedy for universal ills.

Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are. It is the process of self-purification through self-observation.

About the Course

Vipassana centers are located all the around world, are non-profit and run solely on donations. You can attend a course for free or give a donation at the end which will allow more students to attend.

If you attend a 10 day Vipassana meditation course, you are provided food and accommodation.  NOT a retreat but rather a very intense, soul searching, emotional, physically painful course which you have to work VERY hard at to reap the benefits.

Including check-in and check-out dates, you actually attend for 12 days to participate in 10 full days of noble silence. Noble silence means silence of body, speech and mind. I was actually excited about this part! I couldn’t wait to check in my phone and not have access to it for 10 days!

All who attend a Vipassana course must conscientiously undertake the following five precepts for the duration of the course. These were all pretty easy for me since I already don’t eat animal products, or take any intoxicants.

The 5 Precepts

to abstain from killing any being,

to abstain from stealing,

to abstain from all sexual activity,

to abstain from telling lies,

to abstain from all intoxicants.

See Code of Discipline for information.

Vipassana meditation aims at the highest spiritual goals of total liberation and full enlightenment. Its purpose is never simply to cure physical disease. However, as a by-product of mental purification, many psychosomatic diseases are eradicated. In fact, Vipassana eliminates the three causes of all unhappiness: craving, aversion and ignorance. With continued practice, the meditation releases the tensions developed in everyday life, opening the knots tied by the old habit of reacting in an unbalanced way to pleasant and unpleasant situations.

Course Timetable

The schedule looks daunting; 10 hours of meditation a day! The gong rings at 4:00 am every morning but you have the option to meditate in your room till 6:30 so you can just go back to sleep if you want.

You only sit for 1 hour at a time with breaks so it’s really not that bad. Also, you have lots of opportunity to meditate in your room which can be more comfortable. During rest breaks I loved to use the walking trails on the property and spend time in nature amongst the deer (this was my favorite part of the day besides lunch).

4:00 am Morning wake-up bell 4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room 6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break 8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall 9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher’s instructions 11:00-12:00 noon Lunch break 12 noon-1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher 1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room 2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall 3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher’s instructions 5:00-6:00 pm Tea break 6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall 7:00-8:15 pm Teacher’s Discourse in the hall 8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall 9:00-9:30 pm Question time in the hall 9:30 pm Retire to your own room–Lights out

Food & Accommodation

I wish I could have taken pictures of the food, but as mentioned earlier you are not allowed access to any electronic devices during the course. The food was very impressive! Anyone who is plant-based and gluten-free will have no problem as 99% of the food was vegan and gluten-free.

You have one main meal a day served at 11:00 am and then tea and fruit at 5:00 pm. I found this particularly hard as I was SOOO hungry ALL the time! I had to start eating way more at lunch so I could get through the day. I was waking up at 2:00 am with extreme hunger pains that would keep me awake. My theory for this is that my body was going through so much physically and emotionally I was burning through food so fast.

Accommodation was way nicer than expected. There are rooms with 2 beds and a bathroom so you really have a lot of privacy. The bed was a thin piece of foam on wooden slats, not so comfortable but you get used to it. There is lots of room for storage, a lamp and alarm clock (although you did not need the alarm clock as they rung the bell for every new item on the agenda).

Men and women are completely separated throughout the course (for distraction purposes). You will only see men during meditation in the hall but even then you have separate entrances and sit on opposite sides of the room.

Washroom in the residence

My bed/room

In this way the technique of self-observation shows us reality in its two aspects, inner and outer. Previously we only looked outward, missing the inner truth. We always looked outside for the cause of our unhappiness; we always blamed and tried to change the reality outside. Being ignorant of the inner reality, we never understood that the cause of suffering lies within, in our own blind reactions toward pleasant and unpleasant sensations.

My Experience

What led me to Vipassana

Okay, let’s get to the nitty gritty! First of all, I want to explain why I attended this course. I heard about Vipassana from a few people over the years and how it was life changing but the hardest thing they have ever done. 2018 was a really good year but it was also one of the hardest personally and emotionally.

I moved from Alberta back to BC which was one of the hardest moves of my life, went through a separation and started a new relationship. All while I was trying to start a business and create an income for myself.

These life events combined threw me through a loop and along with current traumas brought up a lot of past ones as well. They say intimate relationships bring out childhood traumas which I experienced first hand and now understand what that means. I realized I still had a lot of inner work to do and had not “dealt” with my past. Actually, I had blocked most of it out.

I knew I had to do something; it was either Ayahuasca or Vipassana! And I’m SO HAPPY I did NOT choose Ayahuasca. I registered for the waiting list at a Vipassana course in Onalaska, Washington and was accepted 2 weeks before. Everything happens just at the right moment and this could not have been more perfect timing.

Everyone seeks peace and harmony, because this is what we lack in our lives. From time to time we all experience agitation, irritation, dishar­mony. And when we suffer from these miseries, we don’t keep them to ourselves; we often distribute them to others as well. Unhappiness permeates the atmosphere around someone who is miserable, and those who come in contact with such a person also become affected. Certainly this is not a skillful way to live.

My First Impression

The center was only a 4.5 hour drive from Vancouver, BC. Check in is 3:00 pm to 6:00 pm the first day; upon arrival everything was really well organized and check-in super smooth. I filled out a few forms, checked in my phone, keys and wallet (they are all locked up in a safe), and was given directions to my residence. There are carts you can use to transport luggage as it is a bit of a walk to the residence. I loaded up the cart and headed to my room.

I was so excited about how much nature surrounded the center; endless greenery and lots of tame deer. It was so quiet, peaceful and smelt heavenly. My room was situated at the back of the residence facing nothing but nature! I walked in and was pleasantly surprised with how clean and warm it was. It reminded me of summer camp.

I unpacked and headed to the hall to eat a light meal and attend orientation. After orientation we headed to the hall for our first meditation session. I had no idea what to expect! I had never meditated in my life before this (I know, and start with 100 hours in 10 days, what was I thinking?)! We all had assigned seats which would remain the same throughout the course (so the teachers and course manager could keep track of us). During this first session I realized how serious this was and everyone attending was not here to screw around!

View from my front door

The First Few Days

Although, my emotions were all over the place, the first few days was kind of fun! I was happy, sad, confused, angry, happy, sad… and even started shedding a few tears on the second day.

I like structure so the schedule suited me well. All I had to worry about was meditating, eating, meditating eating again, walking in nature, meditating some more, drinking tea, more meditation and sleep. My favorite part of the day was lunch and afternoon walks, how hard could this be?

In order to be relieved of our misery, we have to know the basic reason for it, the cause of the suffering. If we investigate the problem, it becomes clear that whenever we start generating any negativity or impurity in the mind, we are bound to become unhappy. A negativity in the mind, a mental defilement or impurity, cannot coexist with peace and harmony.

Days Four to Seven

Day four we started learning the Vipassana technique of observing sensations in our body and this is when the real work starts. During this process the mind starts opening up which led me to have terrible nightmares (which lasted throughout the entire course), so sleep was non-existent.

I really started working hard to get as much out of as I could. After all, you take 12 days out of your life to practice Vipassana! I started taking it more seriously and really focused on the technique.

Vipassana focuses on mind and body connection; if you have emotional pain or trauma buried, it will surface in physical pain. And oh my, did it ever! By day 5 I was in SO much physical pain I wanted to throw up! Because of this, I was taking advantage of meditating in my room as much as I could. I was also very emotional and crying every day during sessions and on my walks.

Being in noble silence was particularly hard for me, I had no one to turn to for support except myself (I guess that’s the whole point, right?). Thankfully you are able to speak with the teachers when you have questions or concerns which I did a lot because well, I was a DISASTER! The teachers reassured me this was good because it meant the technique was working. All my pain was coming out at once and with a vengeance.

Every day after day four, physical and emotional pain, sleepless nights and nightmares just kept getting worse. I had to request a chair to sit during group meditations because any posture was just too painful. Even the chair was almost unbearable.

Day 8

I remember this day very well because I wanted to quit. I am not a quitter, once I start something I see it through till the end, so this was very unusual for me. All I wanted desperately was a bath and sleep in my own bed! I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it until day 10 but again I spoke with the teachers and they reassured me it will get better.

A good solution; it avoids both extremes—suppression and expression. Burying the negativity in the unconscious will not eradicate it, and allowing it to manifest as unwholesome physical or vocal actions will only create more problems. But if you just observe, then the defilement passes away and you are free of it.

Days Nine and Ten

Throughout the course, you are told over and over again the importance of staying until the end because you are doing surgery on your emotional wounds and day 10 will learn another technique to seal those wounds.

By the afternoon of day 9 I started to feel a lot better, and positive. I was in a totally different place, my surroundings looked different and felt more at peace. Day 8, I told myself “I would never do this again” and by Day 9 I couldn’t wait to come back. Funny how that happens!

Day 10 you are allowed to break noble silence at 11:00 am (so you can get integrated back into the real world). I thought I would be so excited for this but was actually very overwhelming. Lunch time was really loud with chatter and high energy, I had to go to my room to be alone. The rest of the day was pretty slack with just a couple of meditation sessions to learn the last technique.

Summary

After sharing our experiences with a few women, I realized my experience was quite intense. So please don’t let my experience scare you. Although it sounded like I had a really hard time, I accepted it because healing is hard work. You have to be really ready and willing to completely surrender.

People attend this course for different reasons during different emotional states in their lives. I decided to attend at a time in my life I felt I needed a big self transformation and self-improvement.

Someone said to me “Vipassana will be the best and worst time of your life”. This is 100% true! For me, anyway. This course was one of the hardest things I have ever done but the best thing I could have done for myself.

I was able to make life altering decisions so easily because everything became so clear. Without distractions of the outside world, self-reflection and observation, I was able to connect with myself deeper than I ever have.

Physical and emotional pain was released which led me to forgive, love unconditionally and see things as they really are.

I learned tools to change my reaction towards craving and aversion.

The work does not stop here, Vipassana is an ongoing technique and should be practiced everyday to reap the benefits.

Once you have completed the course you have access to resources and materials to assist with ongoing practice. You can download a useful app called Dhama.org Mobile App and listen to group meditation sittings, discourses and much more.

Observing reality as it is by observing the truth inside—this is knowing oneself directly and experientially. As one practices, one keeps freeing oneself from the misery of mental impurities. From the gross, external, apparent truth, one penetrates to the ultimate truth of mind and matter. Then one transcends that, and experiences a truth which is beyond mind and matter, beyond time and space, beyond the conditioned field of relativity: the truth of total liberation from all defilements, all impurities, all suffering. Whatever name one gives this ultimate truth is irrelevant; it is the final goal of everyone.

Interested in Attending? Here are Some Suggestions

Only attend a 10 day Vipassana course if you are ready and willing to completely surrender.

The center I attended in Washington was really well run, organized and the course managers do everything to make sure you are comfortable. (after all, they want you to stay)

Go without any expectation; everyone will have a different experience.

Talk to the teachers as much as you can so you fully understand the technique to ensure you are practicing it correctly.

Don’t bother bringing meditation supplies, the center has tons.

Bring a sleeping bag. I brought bedding but found it uncomfortable.

Bring a large refillable water bottle and snacks for emergencies.

You are not allowed to wear any tight clothing so bring lots of comfortable, baggy, warm clothing for 10 days (there are no laundry facilities.)

Upon returning home, eas yourself back into your life. I lost my voice the first day back home. If you can, take a day of rest and limit yourself to electronics, T.V., phone etc.

Go back! I would like to attend once a year.

I came home with confidence, less pain and misery and increased positivity. I would highly recommend this course to anyone.

*Quotes are from a talk by Mr. S.N. Goenka on the Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation*

Vipassana Meditation Experience My Vipassana Meditation Experience I recently embarked on a 100 hour journey within myself over 10 days in beautiful Onalaska, Washington.

[sky-girls]

In your arms

This is probably the biggest mess ever so i should probs apologize for it but het it’s here!!! and that’s what matters.

“we’re roommates and we’ve barely interacted so far but one night there’s a thunderstorm and  you are a serious astraphobic and i come into your room shaking bc i dont know what else to do and i will  lull you to sleep by stroking your hair”

⭐

What wakes Luna up is not the storm itself, neither the sound of the thunders or the light of the lightning. It’s something else and she is too sleepy to figure out what it is but the sounds keeps going and she can’t fall asleep again. She looks at the ceiling with a frown, she is not a stranger to storms, not even thunderstorms and she can very easily sleep through them without a problem so why is she even awake now?

After a while, when her brain is more awake, sadly, she can finally makeup that this weird, background noise she couldn’t figure out is a voice. There are soft, rushed whispers coming from the room next to her. She throws a look at her phone, it’s almost 2 A.M and as much as it’s normal for Matteo to be awake later than she is there’s something that doesn’t feel quite right.

She tries to ignore it cause she doesn’t know Matteo much, they have been living together for a few months now but their schedules are wildly different and every time he has some free time he seems to rather spend it partying than at home so their interactions have kept to a minimum and at least half of those have been spent fighting over Luna not doing the dishes fast enough.

So Luna does what anyone would do, try to sleep again, even if the worry and almost guil starts to sink into her stomach, little by little.

The whispering turns urgent and as much as she tries to convince herself that there’s nothing wrong, that he is probably studying or something the pace and overall tone of it makes it unbelievable. She sighs and takes her blanket around her shoulders as she walks to his room. If he doesn’t want her there then he will tell her but at least she will try.

As she opens her door she realizes that the faint sound of music playing over earphones can be heard but Matteo’s whispers don’t match to it at all. He is whispering words she can’t understand at all and honestly she is very worried right now.

She knocks on his door softly, just in case, but just as she assumed no answers comes so she just very slowly opens the door. What she finds surprises her.

She has never seen Matteo be anything but the perfect, proper, pulled together rich kid that has his life in order. Until now, his hair is a mess, it looks like he has been brushing his fingers through it over and over, his face is white as a sheet, his lips moving quickly as his eyes do too behind his lids, he is hugging his legs and what shocks Luna the most is that he is shaking. His fingers, his hands, his legs, all of him, he is shaking like he was suffering from hypothermia or something and before she even knows it she is running to him.

He jumps when she sits into the bed and she apologizes softly but by the look on Matteo’s eyes she doubts he can hear her and even if he could he doesn’t look like he could process it at all.

Truth is that Luna has absolutely no idea what to do but she can’t just leave him like this, she has never been one to stand other people’s pain easily and this is not the exception. She softly removes his headphones and he looks even more alarmed.

“Are you okay?” She asks but he doesn’t answer, she knows it’s a dumb question he is very obviously not okay  but she had no idea how else to call his attention. “What happened?”

Silence fills the room, once again and Luna starts counting the seconds on her head, it’s almost a minute before the next thunder strikes and Matteo physically jumps almost hitting her with his knees. He changes his position, ends up sitting crossed legged on the bed and seems slightly embarrassed, as embarrassed as anyone as scared as he is now could be.

She never expected Matteo Balsano of all people to be scared of thunderstorms but she stores this little piece of information for another time, this is not a priority right now. She just needs to know how to calm him down.

“Hey.” She whispers, taking his face between her hands and that seems to center him. “Hey, nothing will happen, you are safe here.”

He takes a deep breath as if he was about to say something but thunder feels the silence once again and he bites his lower lip to prevent it from shaking.

“It’s okay if you are scared.” She tells him as she moves closer to him, softly caressing his right cheek, he doesn’t seem to realize he is leaning into her hand but she is happy he has something else to think about. “I just need you to tell me how to help you.”

Silence fills the room and Luna sighs softly moving to sit next to him and making him lean his head against her lap, she likes when people play with her hair, maybe he does too.

He doesn’t complain at least, in fact he sighs softly and closes his eyes and Luna bites her lower lip looking down at him. She never thought she would see someone like him being so vulnerable, it’s a weird feeling, kind of like discovering that superman was clark kent all along.

He starts whispering to himself again and Luna realizes that he is speaking italian, something she didn’t even know he could do but she guesses it makes sense, especially taking in count the amount of italian food leftovers on their refrigerator.

She just keeps caressing his hair slowly, letting the soft, soft curls tangle on her fingers and letting her nails massage his scalp ever so slightly. After a while she can feel the way his body relaxes, how his shoulders fall more freely and his slow breathing turns less forced and more natural.

She thinks that maybe he fell asleep but when she looks down his eyes are opened and focused on her.

“I’m sorry.” He says and his voice is so incredibly soft and tired, Luna’s heart breaks a little.

“It’s okay.” She tells him softly, still playing with his hair, he sighs just a little and Luna smiles to herself.

“I am not sure how waking you up and making you deal with my mess is any okay but whatever you say.” She knows he is trying to be funny, to make the whole situation lighter but she doesn’t like this way of thinking so she pokes him on the ribs softly making him pout at her offended.

“You didn’t wake me up the storm did.” She lies. “And you are not a mess everyone is scared of something.”

“Not everyone is pathetic about it.” He says and she is sure she could be fighting with him about whether or not that’s pathetic all night so she lets that comment go, for now.

“You should see me when there’s a moth around then.” She jokes and he manages to let out a small chuckle. Thunder keeps striking but he doesn’t seem as rattled anymore. “We all have fears really and sometimes they make us a little irrational, but it’s okay, we are only humans after all.”

He scrunches up his nose unhappy and Luna looks at him confused.

“I am a gift of god not just some random human being.” He says completely serious and Luna looks at him unbelieving before she dissolves into a fit of giggles.  “It’s true.”

“I am sure you think so.” She tells him and he huffs.

“It’s actually really really true.” He says and Luna raises an eyebrow at him as he smiles as smugly as he can manage. “That’s what my name means.”

“Oh, wow, that’s such deep meaning for a name.” She says giggling. “Mine just means moon.”

“I am sure it’s cause your parents thought you were just as beautiful and full of light as the moon is, which is true of course.” He says and she blushes softly rolling her eyes.

“First thing, that was the most awful line anyone has ever said to me.” She starts. “Second,no, it was because of my necklace.”

“First it wasn’t  a line just the truth.” He winks at her and she can feel how usual Matteo is coming back. “And second, what?”

“It’s a long story.” She tells him with a sigh.

“I have all night.” He says and softly lifts his hand to play with one of her curls and Luna nods softly.

⭐

When she wakes up again, with the soft light of the winter sun on her face, she is very lost, she is not on her bed and she needs a few moments to remember that she is Matteo’s room, especially cause Matteo is nowhere to be found.

She distinctly remembers that they fell asleep with Matteo hugging her and hiding on her neck as she played with his hair and told him her whole, very complicated life story but now she is alone on his bed.

She is not really surprised he is gone he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to be openly vulnerable or to admit any weaknesses so she guesses he left the apartment before she could even wake up, so she just takes her blanket again, wraps it over herself and goes to the kitchen to make herself some breakfast.

When she finally gets there she stops on her tracks mid yawn surprised at what she sees. Matteo is softly humming and making pancakes as the water for the tea is boiling and two cups, his favorite one and more surprisingly her favorite one, are waiting to be used on the counter.

“Good morning.” She says and he doesn't seem any phased as he turns around to smile to her. She realizes he has a piece of pancakes on his mouth and giggles going close to him and taking one of the hot, fresh ones he has been stacking on a plate.

“Careful, they are hot.” He says with his mouth full and laughing as Luna drops it back on the plate because she burned her fingers.

“What they are is delicious.” She mumbles when she finally manages to take a bite of one. “Why though?”

“Because I made them of course.” He says and she rolls her eyes at him.

“Why are you making them?” She asks slowly as if he was dumb and he looks very done with her for a few seconds.

“Well, to thank you mostly.” He tells her a little sheepish and Luna frowns. “You really helped me calm down yesterday, storms are usually awful for me so it really means a lot.”

“Whenever you need it you can just call me.” She tells him truthfully and Matteo smiles at her  bumping his arm to hers softly.

“Same goes for you.” He tells her focusing on the pancakes. “For whatever you need I am here.”

[birchwoodswolf]

(SPOILERS) have you seen the HoT leaks? in a shocking twist that surprised no one at all whatsoever, you were right!

i havent watched the leaks yet but i have heard that my Immense Hatred for Doctor Fuckface Asshole is at least somewhat remotely based in rationality

anyway since my gut was proven right on this, i figure now’s a perfect to reveal my entire Shit List Of People I Dont Fucking Trust At All

saunders. obviously. bc turns out, he’s evil! so gg@me

julien. TLR was a good demonstration of how much shit he could potentially be hiding from the audience, especially considering how weird his history is and the fact that we know nothing from before he made zane. TLR is half a proof.

turner. listen ninjago theories is an embarrassment and causes me physical pain whenever i remember it exists, but there’s still a pretty good post on there summing up why i think he’s lying about his element (link). there’s also the fact that he was trapped inside nadakhan’s sword, which is now locked in an alternate timeline, and we never saw turner get captured (we saw everyone else that was in the sword get captured on screen - turner’s just randomly there). and then you look at his outfit (front; back) and see two elaborate hourglass emblems and a shuriken with a clock face on it. hes fuckin sketchy.

turner is actually a whole other deal at this point tho, tbh. ive been occasionally tossing around ideas with myself ever since this season was revealed to be about time travel, and now we know another thing: there are time twins, and saunders is one of them. to say the least turner and his grandfather (bc that’s another thing, garmadon knew turner’s first and last name when he knew no one else, and specifically mentioned turner’s grandfather, even though garmadon knew literally nobody else) are sitting pretty high on the suspects list for the other one, if we’ve ever met them or if their identity is even relevant.

this turned into a big fucking list and im tired so im just gonna cut it off here lmao

[xomaleriestar]

Collection of notes

17.02.2021 at 10:02

so what i wanted to say before initially

is that i read the letter

and was wondering if its still relevant

ok so my response letter its so in heat of the moment and gross but whatever. i wanna share before ur travels and not think about it

i think i have feelings for you too big time but im hella damaged and have big problems w trust so its hard to accept any thoughts of them. i literally cant stop thinking about u and it burns in my chest when i do

its recent, like 2 weeks. always thought im totally tripping out and were totally chill but like bro when i went to take that covid test the other day thats when i realised that it might be a fucking problem cuz i literally felt empty inside w out u and im soso scared sooooo scared of being ok with "feelings" and its really goddamn hard to talk about them as well for me but lets see what happens in the next month

slight overview of damage: the more i open up the more distant i get usually. i've always felt im not worthy of anything good in life and im rotten throughout and its my "destiny" to lean how to give myself away to """"god"""" and reach enlightenment through my own methods

i think all comes from my relationship with my mom which i need to fix before being capable of love cuz ive felt my whole life like i have no idea what it is as i think my mother does not know either. so its been my plan all along to try and learn to love my mother on this trip and forgive her (my whole life i ive been dealing with trauma from my dad so new level now spiritually)

it completely quiet in estonia so my mind is racing but whatever

our souls are connected forever and i feel a very strong connection to u and ur very good to me or just are good

18.02.2021 at 08:15

i love you so fucking much. everytime i look at you or think of you i feel blessed. writing these letters im not sure you even exist anymore. (having flashbacks of i love dick :D)

and i relate with everything you've said

i'm honestly very very very confused as well with these things so don't be scared to move at your own pace and trust yourself first..? there's nothing to prove and we both are free and i dont need you to give me anything you dont want to. everything

at the right place right time. i feel lucky?

on the topic of trust... you are the first person in my life i've connected with only based on my gut feeling. i overthink a lot, but with you i havent had the need to. in the past i would change a lot for a person, but with you i've only gone deeper within and it's gotten me to a point where i have you and for the first time i feel ready and i dont want to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and im totally okay with being completely honest with you. the feeling of trust came very naturally but it's still scary. usually i search for understanding and i always feel i never get it but with you its so different, i dont think about it. i've never actually realised before now that it's trust i've struggled with and it makes sense with every part of my life. trusting myself with my art, trusting others with myself. again, coming back to my upbringing-it defo makes sense cuz i've never trusted my mother

it's defo a strange point in our timeline but im glad we've talked about these things and opened up more

please have a safe flight, i cant wait u to be in nyc already and defo call me i miss u so

15.03.2021 at 01:00

i just remembered that i almost gave away my room away in july and cuz i was so depressed wanted to stay in estonia. found a new person but she literally cancelled like a week before i came back to uk and my init

2:42 am

literally i cant sleep and am spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this voice memo from my dads bday in the summer where my mom got super depressive/manic and is crying and im talking with her and i cant get the fucking sounds out of my head and honestly im shocked i even recorded it. my whole childhood was literally spent by her facing the window in our kitchen, not showing her face and crying and later locking herself up in the bathroom and i literally got the whole thing recorded and its so painful to listen

ugh i cant fall back asleep, spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this crazy voice memo from summer, dads bday where my mom got super manic and i had recorded it and found it yesterday. listened to the whole thing a couple times and now its stuck in my head like some random song. i'll play it to u one day, it's literally my 9-18yrs explained in that recording. my thoughts are rapidly shifting between that voice memo and you, i literally spent the whole day thinking about you.

i once dreamt that i needed to speak to my mother, grabbed her by her shoulder to turn around to see her face but she kept turning around and had no face, only hair. i never saw her face and this one time when i was stoned, i was trying to remember her face and couldnt. now realising that maybe it was because of these moments

19.03.2021 at 10:42

i love you so fucking much i love you i love you i love you so mich i love you i love you i love u love u i love you i love you i love you so much i love you so much im in love woth you i miss you im in love with you im in love with you l love you i love you im in love with you im in love with you i love you i love you im in love im in love love i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so i love you so i love you so much i love you so much i love you i love you i think i really love you i love you so much its hard to breathe and i think i really love you and it feels great to really say it to you

20.03.2021 at 17:12

love u so fucking much coumba honestly i hope youll have an amazing day. im gonna go offline for a bit 

had a really strange dream, really mundane. took the metro home from some festival and was living in my grandmas apartment again and elevator was broken so had to take the stairs. but it was super slow and dramatic. on my way up (the apt is on 6th floor) i over heard my neighbour family fight and i left the door open to overhear what the topic was and they were yelling at their child? 

i crave physical touch

hey hope ur being productive!! goddamn, ive just been writing and reading the whole day and figuring out this creative block situation/ why am i so triggered by work. found the right stuff to read and feeling full of life again. hope u are too

hope you're not second guessing me for getting sad yesterday. im feeling fucking crazy and it might be cause im starting my period. i keep rereading your letter. 

26.03.2021 at 19:21

bless you

ur so nice to me

had a walk and it was really refreshing. feeling better but have so many anxieties that sometimes i just explode

i fucking love u too. sometimes its like ur my lifes worth of care i never 

sometimes i feel like my lifes worth of good is coming to my life through you

......ur so nice to me....honestly i love u too so much..... i think it might be bc of full moon but im just like a total wreck today :D thanks for hearing me out before. and yes i'm excited to see whats waiting for me in london!! 

in other news -.... called me rude and an egomaniac bc i told her i was depressed and feeling xtremely anxious blabla basically overview of what i told u today so will postpone thinking about countryside stuff. feeling like shit again lolzzzzzz bc of it.... we were supposed to go together with misha but misha cancelled right so im not really in a hurry which she knew and wished me a happy trip back to london. like whenever she doesnt get what she wants she goes off but i mean i do understand that im being an asshole as well so its like the perfect way to end this day

baah mh im just gonna rant here u dont even have to respond :D but i used to be really really selfless growing up and my parents always bring it up that i let my friends use me lol and ive been hella defensive abt it always bc i never knew how intense it was?. friends literally always came first and i kinda repressed my true self bc of embarrassment etc etc and two years ago it slowly started morphing into hurt and disappointment idk why i expected sth back (now i dont thats prolly why im super self centred and delusional as well i guess) so like after all this shit when im like yo having a hard time i get called a fucking egomaniac... i think im tired and honestly the fact that im getting along w evert so well makes me so happy but yeah since eliann is horrible at expressing emotions its harder 

31.03.2021 at 20:20

❣️ is for  🚬👄👗COOL🕶☕️🏙❣️

❣️ is for 🎀🎀🎀ORIGINAL 🎀🎀❣️

❣️ is for ⭐️Ur A Star ⭐️ ❣️

❣️ is for MUSIC 🎧🔊🎶❣️

❣️ is for 🦋🦋 BEAUTIFUL 🦋🦋❣️

❣️ is for 💫💐🧚‍♀️ANGELIC 🏵🖼🔮❣️

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

02.04.2021 at 14:24

miiisssssssss uuuuuuu sooooo muuuccchhhh aaaannndddd caaannnnoooottttt wwwaaaaaiiiitttt toooo seeeeee uuuuuuu aaallllrrreeeaaaddddyyyyy iiimmmm sssoooop eeexxxccciiittteeeeddddd ffffoooorrrrr iiiittttt

11.04.2021 at 12:54

i really reaally love you

13.04.2021 at 21:53

have said this before but im drunk AGAIN and will say this AGAIN that i think ur amazing 

14.02.2021 at 01:46

im in love w u