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TO YOU I BELONG: CHAPTER 1
Series Masterlist || Main Masterlist
Pairing: Alpha!Dean x Omega!Reader
Summary: Dean isn't looking for a mate, and the last place he expects to meet his soulmate is while on a case. Fate ain't real. He still has free will, and saving you is just another part of the job. Except, monsters aren't the only things you need saving from... 18+ only MDNI
Chapter Word Count: 3.3k words
Chapter Warnings: angst, language, masterbation, references to physical abuse & references to sexual assault/non-con, injuries to reader
A/N: Thank you all so much for the overwhelming support and interest when I posted the Masterlist for this series.
Please double check the warnings there and at the top of each chapter before you read - I canât stress this enough!
I hope you enjoy the ride! - Beth â¤ď¸
Next Chapter
The thing about mates was, Dean didnât want one. His knot was satisfied with the occasional one-night stand to warm his bed and the movies he kept on his laptop that warmed his hand, and he, wellâŚhe simply didnât deserve one.
All his life, people had come and gone, whether by choice or other means, and he understood why. He was far too dangerous, a grunt - heâd learnt both time and time again. From his mother, to his father, to Bobby, the list went on. No matter the person, they always got hurt or worse, and he didnât need that risk. Hell, he didnât need the responsibility.
So when he encountered you during a hunt, he was, to say the least, surprised.
You were everything he could ever want in a mate, if ever heâd allow himself the pleasure. But it was what you embodied, not who you were. He didnât know a lick about you, and even if he could get close enough to learn, he wouldnât, because you belonged to somebody else.
The mark was clear on your scent gland. Then again, so was the soul mark that connected him to you.
His eagle eyes couldnât miss his initials sitting right there below your clavicle. They appeared the second heâd touched you, making him thankful for all the layers he wore on the job.
He could still see them, and you, in the rearview as he drove away from where he and Sam had dropped you off. Your scent still clung to the back seat, and him, mixing your spiced cinnamon with the leather, gunpowder and motor oil he surrounded himself with.
It was wonderful until it wasnât. The constant reminder of what he was allowing to slip through his fingers soured his already pissy mood. Yet he didnât want you. Nope. Nuh-uh.
âYou good?â Sam asked from the passenger seat, still stealing his own glances like some unclaimed omega at a bar, pre-heat. It was getting weird, and Dean chose to focus on the road ahead.
âYeah,â he said, though his hands gripped the leather-bound wheel tighter, turning his knuckles white as the bone beneath them. He was good, and the sooner they left this shithole of a town, the better.
He cranked up the stereo, stopping only when the dash shook to the bass of Metallicaâs Enter Sandman. His car, his music, his rules. It was everything he needed right now at that moment. It was all he could do to drown out the tingles and pangs that continued to churn in his gut and make his knot twitch.
The second heâd put Baby in park, he was up, out, and crossing the lot, heading straight for the dive they were staying at.
Samâs heavy footsteps chased after him, but his were much faster. He swung open the door, marched across the tattered carpet of their twin room, and slammed the bathroom one behind him before Sam had even stepped off the gravel.
The force of the frayed timber hitting the frame unfixed decades-old dust, sending the particles nowhere but down and straight into his nose as he tried deep breathing to calm himself. It wasnât working. Nothing was.
âDammit.â He thumped the wall with his fist, only to inhale more crap as Samâs voice filtered through the cracks, calling out his name. He just wouldnât drop it.
âIâm fine,â Dean spat. Of course he wasnât. Sam was right there on the other side when all he wanted was a moment to himself to collect his thoughts, vent his frustrations. Deal with the strain in his pants, fast becoming painful, andâŚfuck it. His damn instincts were actually worse than Sammy.
He fumbled with his buckle and popped the button. Moisture already pooled at his tip and when he pushed the denim down and reached in to fist himself, his fingers ran straight through the warm sticky mess with a satisfying tug.
He moaned. Cursed inwardly because of it. Samâs funk still lingered on the other side and he was bound to notice the pleasurable sound and give him shit for it. So Dean held his breath.
"You know I saw it too," Sam said.
âSo?â âCourse he knew. It was right fucking there. The vamps had torn your clothes, leaving little to his imagination. Your neck. Your claim. The edge of your rack.
"So. She's your soulmate. It's normal toâŚhave these feelings."
Feelings? He didnât have feelings. âSheâs nothinâ to me.â His alpha just wanted its knot wet. Just because you were his soulmate didnât change a thing. He couldnât have you. Any piece of wanting he had for you was superficial. Pure lust at best.
"Okay. Go have fun with your hand, then. See if I care," Sam said, right on cue.
"Shut up, bitch," Dean whispered.
And, "Jerk," came the usual retort.
He rolled his eyes.
With his palm still holding the weight of himself, he stepped over to the shower and turned the handle as far as it would go. The taps gurgled and air spat from the spouts in the metal head before the hot stream of water burst through.
His brow quirked. He wasnât the only thing pent up around here.
His boots were the first to go, kicking them off to thud against the tiles. Followed by his socks, pants, boxers and top layers. A heavy jacket, his current favourite flannel and black undershirt to match. All discarded to reveal the thing heâd been dreading to see.
A soul mark. Your initials there, as expected, above his anti-possession tattoo.
He stepped up to the basin and the small rectangular mirror covered in rot and took a closer look. His fingers traced the surrounding skin, still holding a reddish hue.
It didnât hurt, but it wasnât unnoticeable either, which meant yours was, too.
Had you felt them yet? Seen them? Touched them? Had your mate?
His heart thumped deep in his chest. If he had a mate and she came home with another alphaâs initials on her body, how would he react, âcause he doubted heâd be happy. Angry? Maybe. Calm? Definitely not.
But he couldnât think like that. He wouldnât do that to himself. In his mind, you were loved and well taken care of by whoever he was, just as you deserved and he didnât.
Whatever his name, he wasnât angry. Whatever his name, it didnât matter. He hadnât bothered to find out thirty minutes ago, and he never would. Allowing himself to keep only your image and your scent that lingered on his clothes.
What was wrong with him?
Under the warm pressure, he washed the blood, sweat and dirt from the hunt off his broad frame. A generous amount of Samâs body wash helped.
He closed his eyes and brought his soap covered fingers back to pump his hardened flesh as visions of your mouth wrapped around it urged him on.
He twisted his wrist and grunted. Heâd seen your hands. That unscathed skin and pretty manicured nails would look better than what he was working with. Your tongue, licking his head and shaft just the way he liked it in tandem, more so.
Heâd grip his hands through your hair and encourage you to take him deeper. His tip would hit the back of your throat and youâd gag, but damn, itâd be sexy. Sweet like velvet.
Fuck.
Dean braced himself against the tiles and pumped harder. This was pathetic. He was pathetic. His knot was thickening already, and grunts escaped his mouth in time to his long and precise strokes.
His hand would grip your hips over the wall he was using. The way youâd swayed them, mesmerised him, carrying you well. Those legs they were attached to would lift nicely over his shoulders, or squeeze perfectly âround his waist. Heâd pump into your tight, slick-lined channel either way.
Youâd moan for him. In that silky smooth way youâd spoken to him when youâd thanked him for saving you. Your body would exude a comforting warmth, just as it had in his arms when heâd rescued you.
The hunt had been rough on his body, but youâd be gentle - when you wanted to be.
Your hands would explore every inch of him. Theyâd pinch his nipples with soft fingers, rolling and twisting, pulling when you dared. Those same manicured nails would dig into his skin and leave perfect crescent moon shapes along his back.
His own fingernails dragged down his chest to mimic his mind. Over the tiny nubs they went, moving down to dance around his navel. They teased the taut flesh of his hips and scoured back over his shoulders where he imagined youâd cling to him.
If he could reach his back, heâd trail them down his spine. Heâd grab his ass with both hands if it werenât for one being occupied with drawing out the toe curling sensations on his dick.
Your scent would take over the floral notes in the soap. Dean had experienced nothing like it. He wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by it and you. If he could help it, his favourite flannel would remain as it was, unwashed, but cherished forever.
Heâd save it for the next time he allowed his rut. When his balls grew heavy and his skin flamed molten hot.
If only he could sink his knot into you just once. His hand just wasnât the same. He knew it, and the strokes he made were now shallow and sloppy as he neared his release.
âMâmega,â Dean panted. Ears hopeful to hear you calling him Alpha in return. Just once.
His fingers fumbled over the base heâd push inside you, forcing his knot as deep as it would go. Heâd groan, and youâd moan as you clamped down around him, and only when youâd taken your own pleasure would he spill into you. Thick ropes of cum would paint your walls and mix with your slick. Lock you in place. Maybe give him a pup or two.
âFuck,â he growled, spraying the tiles before him. Pups? No, he didnât need that, and the remainder of his load thankfully dribbled over his fingers, dripping down to the shower floor below.
It wasnât how he wanted it to be or how he thought it would be with you, but it was the relief he needed to get him through the thought that heâd be leaving this town, and you, the next day.
When Dean stepped out of the bathroom, he didnât even look Sam in the eye to start with.
He dumped his clothes on the bed and headed straight for the fridge in the front corner of the room where the six-pack heâd bought that morning still waited for him to take another load off.
He twisted the cap, flinging it at the trash, and took his first swig before slumping into the closest chair opposite Sam. The stale air in the cushion squeaked under his weight and he smirked at the sound. âSammy. Whatâd you eat?â
âGreat,â Sam muttered over the top of his computer screen. Though his tone was anything but. âYou ready to talk?â
âNope.â Dean was indignant, and he popped the end of the word in finality. He took another swig and kept the lip close to his. If he was drinking, he couldnât be talking, and that suited him fine.
Out of sight, out of mind? Out of mouth, out of⌠no wait. That wasnât quite right either, and he flicked his head and the thought away.
Sam leaned back in his chair and scratched at his long locks. âYouâre wearing the same shirt you gave her.â
âOkay, mom.â
Mary was still a sore spot for both of them, but when Sam insisted on talking about this fresh one, he had it coming. Who was he? The clothes police? âShe only borrowed it. Itâs still clean.â Dean shrugged.
âSmells like her, too.â
And heâd had enough. He clunked the glass bottle on the table and leapt to his feet. The beer would have to wait. He suddenly needed air, and the cheap brew was shit, anyway.
He walked back to the bed and snatched his jacket, flinging it around his shoulders.
A wave of your scent lifted to his nostrils as it settled on his back, and he closed his eyes.
Dammit. It was only cinnamon. Nothing special. A simple spice. So why the hell was it affecting him? Soulmate or no, he didnât even know you, and he scowled and turned on his heels.
âWhere are you going?â Sam asked, but Dean was already on his way out the door.
It slammed in response as he stepped out into the night and looked around.
Now what?
Getting away from Sammy was one thing, but there was nothing to do in this town. Heâd checked out the local nightlife the first night theyâd arrived, and there was none⌠but you.
Haha. Nope. He saw what he did there.
This was fucked. He was fucked. No. Wait. Heâd jerked you out of his system.
His hands tugged the collar of his jacket up around his neck, then found their way into its pockets. They fumbled over loose change in one and Babyâs keys in the other.
She was waiting for him on the other side of the lot. Her sleek black paint beckoned him to sit behind the wheel, but he turned the other way. He wasnât one to wallow in self pity, but he would tonight.
He sunk further into his clothes and stomped across the gravel, moving towards the road.
The air was cool and crisp in his lungs. The light from the broken street lamps dim in his eyes and barely enough to show him a way, but it was perfect. Closed shop fronts meant fewer people and fewer people meant less crap to impede your scent on his clothes.
Your scent.
Yeah, okay. He was fucking stupid. Delusional even. Wallowing like this over someone heâd just met? He didnât know you besides what heâd read on the police report, and that was a fat load of nothing.
A mate, a job, an apartment. Parents interstate.
He wouldnât have even met you if he and Sam hadnât taken this case. Wouldnât have known his soul mate was mated. Wouldnât have realised he had one. Him. Dean Winchester? With an omega as respectable and normal as you?
Yeah. This was working well. Why not think about what you were doing right now? Imagine you with him, curled up beside him on a nice comfy couch in your cozy apartment? A bed. Your nest? Warm blankets and all that other fluffy crap omegas insisted on buying themselves. The scowl heâd been wearing since Sam had tried talking to him deepened.
He wasnât right for you, but he was a mate just the same. Your mate. And you deserved one when Dean didnât want you. When he couldnât afford to have you in his life. Yet, his mind kept drawing him back in. Teasing him, taunting him, dangling the golden carrot before him. Tempting him to seek you out.
Stupid brain. He shouldâve bailed the second heâd dropped you off. Collected the gear and headed straight home for the bunker, but no, he just had to jack off. Heâd caved. And now he was wandering around this god forsaken town because he refused to man up and just talk to Sam about it.
He couldnât turn back, though. Not now. He couldnât face his baby brother, just like he couldnât face the truth that continued to dangle just beyond his conscienceâs grasp.
So he continued wandering instead because that was helpful. Heâd solve everything by scuffing his boots over the gravel, cement, and the odd patch of grass that covered the ground, dragging his bow legs and pride behind him.
His feet directed him left, then right. Everything he passed looked the same.
Buildings merged. Blurred in the darkness. White paint turned grey along with everything else that wasnât lit by storefronts and their after hours emergency lights. He had no idea where he was besides having Babyâs scent behind him, and more crappy town in front.
But then an apartment block came into view that was familiar, even late at night.
Yes. The street. That car. The park on the other side of it. Fuck. Howâd he even manage it? Of all the places he couldâve gone, heâd arrived back where heâd last seen you, only he wasnât looking at a reflection in the rearview.
And he was no longer alone, either.
Forever the hunter, Dean sniffed the air, scenting the figure heâd spotted on the bench under the tree, and straight away, cinnamon collected in his nose. But so did the metallic tang of blood.
No, no. âNo fucking way.â You had a couple of scratches earlier, some bruising maybe, but this was different, and Deanâs fists clenched. Nails dug into the callouses lining his palms. This was fresh and teed with the stench of an alphas knot.
âMâmega,â his inner alpha rumbled, and dammit, heâd worked so hard to keep the son of a bitch at bay. But just as it would if Sam were injured, or anyone else in their accidental pack, the scent of your blood infuriated him, and he found his feet tumbling underneath towards you.
He raced down the sidewalk. Rushed across the road. His boots pounded over the cement and bitumen with thuds that slapped his ears and jolted his legs.
What the hell were you doing out here? You shouldnât be out here after what had just happened to you. Most civilians knew nothing of his world and the job he did in it, but you did, and you should know better. Know the dangers of being out here alone at night andâŚandâŚcrying?
A lump formed in his throat. Why were you crying? Why hadnât you showered, for that matter? Your clothes were the same ones youâd worn earlier. He noticed that the second he pulled up in front of you.
No jacket, no sweater. Shirt torn and dirt covered, but this wasnât you. This wasnât the omega on the police report. She was radiant and confident, even at the rundown factory. Yet now, besides the scent and the outline of your body, you were no longer there.
Why?
âWhereâs your mate, omega?â Dean cursed under his breath the second the words left his mouth. His inner alpha could gnaw away at his resolve as much as it liked, but youâd never be his.
âWhatâre you doing here?â Your sniffle was quick and quiet. You wiped your eyes with your sleeve and looked up.
He didnât like the tone in your voice, nor the fear that spiked in your scent when heâd mentioned him. âI asked you first,â he said and moved closer to examine your features.
Your eye was bruised and would turn black. Your mouth, barely lit in the shadows, still shimmered with blood from the cut on your bottom lip.
You didnât have these injuries before, and though he was seething under the skin, he did his best to rein it in. With a shaky hand, he reached for your cheek. Brushed the tear youâd missed away with his thumb, and though he knew the answer, asked, âWho did this to you?â
He clenched his jaw when you shook your head.
âNo one. I fell,â you said. Sucked at lying, too, but it wasnât the time. He needed to get you outta here before your dickbag mate showed his face.
âDo you have pups?â Minus traces of an alphas ball sack, yours was the only scent surrounding you. He hoped its âcause you had none.
Your eyes were sullen when you shook your head,l again, and Deanâs heart raced.
For the second time since heâd known you, he lifted you in his arms and brought your tense form to his chest. You were chilled and weary. Not the way his beautiful omega should ever be around him.
His?
Fuck.
Dean was playing a dangerous game, yet his feet moved under him, towards his motel, and further away from the park where somewhere nearby, he knew you lived with the other alpha.
He didnât want a mate, but he was fine with taking someone elseâs.
Consequences be damned.
Next Chapter
Weâll be following Deanâs perspective for some time, but we will get into the readers head eventually, too. It takes two to tango after all đ I hope you enjoyed chapter one!
Comments, likes and reblogs are very much appreciated. They help turn my retail working frowns upside down.
Chapter 2: Harbouring - 28/02
âI still donât know your name.â His boyish chuckle tethered off as your lip curled. âIâm Dean. The, ah, W stands for Winchester.â
He shouldâve known yours would suit you. Everything else about you had him enamoured, so why wouldnât it? It was perfect, swirling through the spaces in his mind and touching his lips with a pleasurable rumble when he repeated it back to you.
âWill you let me clean you up?â When you nodded, he gave you a single one back. âThen weâre gonna need a few things first.â
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#alpha dean winchester#omega reader#omegaverse#soulmate au#dean x reader#dean winchester x reader#dean x you#dean winchester x you#dean winchester#dean winchester fanfiction#dean winchester fic#dean winchester smut#smut#angst#a/b/o#a/b/o dynamics#hurt/comfort#pregnancy trope#true mates#dad!dean#spn reader insert#x reader#spn smut#reader insert#supernatural fanfiction#spn fanfic#spn fanfiction#spn#to you I belong#series
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People always talking about Percy and Jason parallelism as if Nico and Percy don't have the same thing.
Let me explain:
Both are a child of the Big Three,only difference is that Percy is the forbidden one while Nico isn't.
Both are extremely powerful and were ostracized by the other demigods for this,only difference is that Percy's mistreatment wasn't as bad or long as Nico's.
Both were in the Lotus,only difference is that Percy stayed for a couple of days,Nico for years.
Both are extremely skilled with swordsmanship,with Percy being at the top.
Both have a very unique sword with a feature of being able to always be with them. Raptide is a pen that will always come back to Percy,while Nico's sword can appear from the shadows with his command.
Both have a sister that they will die for, without a second question asked.
Both were ready to end themselves for their sibling. During SoM,when Percy thought that Tyson died with Clarisse's ship being destroyed,he wished he could drown but couldn't because he's a son of Poseidon. During BotL,Nico tried to switch his souls for the one of his sister (only good thing Minos did was to tell him that Hades won't accept it) knowing full well the consequences.
Based of the point before,both are extremely suicidal. Percy wished he could drown multiple time,and went along with Polybotes's poison only because he thought he deserved to die. Nico doesn't see the value in his life and go on the most suicidal solo-quest ever with the awareness that he might die,and he doesn't care or think the others don't.
In HoO Hazel think how both Percy and Jason are just waiting for a monster too strong to defeat,that can kill them. Nico isn't to far off from this vision too,since in BoO he was ready to end it all,be it by his travel of wanting to kill Octavian.
Based of the other point,they are probably both depressed,with Percy masking his with humor (similar to Leo) or avoiding thinking about it,and Nico is carrying it on his sleeves,fully accepting it.
Poseidon and Hades tried to keep their family safe,proposing to build palaces in their domains,basically the same place where their wives lives with them,so that they can live in peace and Zeus wouldn't know about them.
Sally and Maria rejected the idea,deciding to raise their children with them despite the difficulties and dangers.
Both have a good relationship with their mother,the problem is that Nico can't remember much of her.
Both are scared of their father domains (all of the kids of the Big 3,both romans and greeks,are). In MoA,when Percy was visiting the aquarium with Frank and the tank broke,he thought he was going to drown (ironic,isn't it? The guy that wanted to drown now is scared of it) before remembering he is a child of Poseidon (again,ironic.). His fear was caused by Gaia,when during SoN,she made him sink into quicksand and Hazel had to save him before they got to the boss battle. In BoO,during their trip with the Statue,Nico was actively fading away (and dying),to the point that mortals and demigods could pass through his body. He almost become one with the shadows,the same shadows he use every time he has to travel. Untill then he was comfortable in being in the shadows,because of CHB attitude regarding him,but after that? He didn't saw them in the same way.
The romans don't pay homage to,or don't respect that much,their fathers. Both the temples of Pluto and Neptune at the CJ are in very bad shape,even with a daughter of Pluto living there.
Both are an active part of the two Great Prophecies,with Percy being the prophecy child and a part of the Seven,while Nico does the heavy lifting on the sidelines as a support character. (Both of the time they won thanks to his help).
Chronos wanted them both (and Thalia) on his side. He tormented all of them,but Percy and Nico (and Thalia) stayed loyal to their fathers no matter what.
Both can get along pretty well with their divine families.
Poseidon and Hades have rooms in their palace only for them,when they stay with them or came for a visit; Amphitrite and Persephone (and Demeter) don't mind their presence that much when they are in the palace.
Both are ready to kill for their loved one,especially their partners. (also Annabeth and Will being blond,when Percy and Nico hair's black>>>>>)
Both are prince of their fathers's kingdom (same for the others Big 3 kids) but noble titles aren't a thing in the demigods world (I will forever be pissed about this)
Both Poseidon and Hades care about them in their own strange and limiting ways. At the same time they both fucked them up with their horrible communication skills (The price you pay for being alive??? Bianca should be alive instead of Nico??? Fuck them both for this).
Nico and Percy are the only one with a good relationship (for demigods standard) with their divine parent and families,both in the Big 3 kids club and for the rest of the demigods's population. (the children of Dionysus and Apollo too).
Both went to Tartarus and had their mind fucked up by the gods that were there (Nico needs to see Dionysus on almost a daily basis otherwise he will go insane??? Percy was ready to kill a goodness???). Nyx appeared to both of them (get her away from Nico-) and their powers evolved.
Lot of trauma from all the prophecies and wars they went through.
First impression of their divine sibling was horrible. Triton was extremely judgmental of Percy,without even knowing him,while MelinoĂŤ was straight up trauma for Nico.
Both were betrayed by their teacher. Luke gave Percy sword lessons before he left for his first quest,so much so that during SoN,even without memory,Luke's voice reminded him what to do during the war games. Minos was ready to sell Nico to the enemy after he taught him everything he knew about the rituals to invoke the spirits,and went in the Labyrinth with him.
Both lost their memories,Percy because of Hera and Nico because of Hades. Only difference is that Percy memories returned,while Nico will never have all of them back (like Jason).
In their own POVs they don't talk really highly of themselves,and most of the time think about how they messed up certain things,and how other people could do better than them. The few times they feel confident about their abilities? Bad shit happens.
Ragarding the point before of this,both have a low self-esteem.
In the other characters POVs,we see how people actually see them. Hazel almost mistakes Percy for a god because of how handsome,loyal (probably also why Annabeth,Nico,Rachel,Calypso and Reyna fell for him) and powerful he is. Reyna think that Nico's surname give him justice because he looks like an angel (he also pulled Will Solace with being rarely at CHB during that time) when he smile,and is extremely powerful.
Do I need to continue? There are probably so many other similarities between them but I think you get the point. While Percy and Jason might be two faces the same coin,Nico and Percy are basically the same face.
All of the Big 3 children have similarities or have parallelism to each other: Thalia and Hazel (both come back from the dead and had to readjust to the years that passed, everything they know was now a distant memory); Jason and Bianca (both died when they were starting to figure out their life,after their memory loss); and there are others matches too: Thalia and Percy,Jason and Hazel,Jason and Nico,Bianca and Percy,Thalia and Nico,etc...
But Nico and Percy are just so similar to each other that sometimes it's hurt. They can't even have a good interaction most of the time because trauma is part of their relationship.
#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson and the heroes of olympus#heroes of olympus#nico di angelo#percy jackson#big three children#poseidon#hades#analyzing the characters and their similarities#percy and Jason might be two faces of the same coin but nico and percy are the same face#they are so similar#cousin bonding time#not really#but for me it is#hazel levesque#bianca di angelo#jason grace#thalia grace
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Ichi the Witch ch.22 thoughts
[Dess' Contract's Got Some Mighty Fine Print]
(Topics: speculation - worldbuilding/narrative progression, character analysis - Desscaras/Ichi, thematic analysis - Family)
Before I get into the extremely enticing character implications of this chapter, I have a quick worldbuilding question:
Where...did the spell for this contract come from?
We know that magical items exist such as the leg-booster boots, but it hasn't really been delved into yet how such things are made. Do they have a pre-existing Magik's spell applied to them, or is there a unique method of creating a spell from scratch and embuing it into an item?
If it's the latter then creating a magic contract should be easy enough, you just draft up paper that enforces the stipulations of the words written on it, easy peasy. If it's the former, though, what Magik has that ability? Can any given contract be created, or is it specific to the Mentor-Pupil Blood Contract?
It doesn't really matter, and I only just thought of this question while writing this review rather than agonizing over it since reading the chapter, but it's still the kind of minor inconsistency that just barely holds this series back from being everything I know it can be
As for what it is, though, this chapter's glimpse into the ongoing character study of Desscaras and her relationship with Ichi only further solidifies this as my current favorite in Jump's roster
The Mother Who Stepped Up
There is an incredible amount of nuance to Desscaras' motivations for making such a dangerous contract with Ichi
First and foremost, as she tells Ichi, it's her way of taking responsibility for his life being uprooted and threatened. If she had been able to find a way to circumvent Uroro's trial, if she'd actually kept Ichi a secret from Mantinel, if she'd taken any other path, Ichi might not be set to die, and she can't pretend that isn't the case
Normally, Desscaras comes off as laidback and irresponsible, but I think that's more about things like navigating bureaucratic red tape than it is about peoples' wellbeing. When push comes to shove, Desscaras does actively fulfill her duties without complaint, it's just that to her, her duties are about fighting monsters and protecting people, not answering work e-mails or filing reports
By putting Ichi in this situation, she has endangered him, going directly against her own principals. This contract is a way of making amends for that, a statement that she isn't trifling with his life and takes his safety extremely seriously. If he should die, then she will repay his loss in kind
This leads into the reason she gave to Monegold and Shirabedonna: that she doesn't want to have peace that requires someone else's sacrifice, least of all a child's
The One Who Walks Deeper into Omelas
This is Desscaras' direct answer to and rejection of the Omelas Child conundrum: if she can't stop the child's suffering, she won't just walk away either - she'll help support the peace. This way the child doesn't suffer alone, and has some kind of happiness to show for it, while also allowing her to take an active role in protecting everyone else
After all, it's not that Desscaras is choosing the child over everyone else. Everyone deserves peace and happiness, it's just that with the knowledge that the child is the only one who doesn't get it, she'd never be able to appreciate her own again. By voluntarily choosing to bear some of the world's weight, Desscaras can feel like she's earned whatever peace she manages to take from it, secure in the knowledge that she did what no one else would: gave some peace, no matter how small, to the suffering child
This also serves to act as an indictment of Monegold's leadership, as while she definitely objected to Jikishirone's prophecy, she still kind of just resigned herself to it. She heard the prophecy, got angry, and...didn't do anything else. She may have been trying to think of a way, but as I said last week, it's just generally accepted that Jiki's words will come to pass unless she gives an alternate path - since the only alternate was the destruction of the world, Monegold likely wouldn't have made a real effort to avert the fate ascribed to Ichi
Now, though, Monegold's greatest asset has just said two devastating things to her face: 1) "if he dies, I die;" and 2) "good luck sleeping at night." Desscaras' actions have put into perspective for Monegold what a post-Ichi world will look like for her, which hopefully will give her the kick in the pants she needs to actually do something about it
At the very least, it ensures that Monegold won't get in the way of Desscaras doing something about it
Blood of the Covenant
For all of the practical and philosophical reasons Desscaras has, there's really only one that truly matters, one statement that Desscaras wants to make above all others: that she cares about Ichi
She wants Ichi to stay in her life, to take care of himself, to live
And if he won't do any of those things for his own sake, then by god, he'll do it for hers
"If you die, then I die" is an excellent inversion of Ichi's Death for Death; whereas it usually means "a kill for a kill," it now means "you are no longer playing with your life alone." If Ichi is reckless and charges in without a second thought on the basis that his life is going to end sooner or later anyway, then he now runs the risk of getting Desscaras killed along with him, which by his own philosophy would make him a murderer
This pulls double duty both by incentivizing him to stay safe and by showing him that someone wants him to stay safe
When his parents left him in the woods with a knife, they wordlessly said to him "we want you to die, but we're too cowardly to kill you ourselves. Starve, get killed by a beast, or kill yourself, we don't care, just do it away from us"
Desscaras' contract, meanwhile, says just the opposite. "I want you to live, and I'll fight to make sure you do. Live how you like, go where you like, do what you like, but whatever you do, just promise to come back to me"
I don't know if Desscaras knows Ichi's past; they've certainly had the opportunity to discuss it off-screen, but it's never been stated that they've opened up to each other about that sort of thing. My instinct is that she has no idea what this means to him, only that it means everything to her
Ichi, meanwhile, certainly has no idea about Libro, and likely can't comprehend why Desscaras would want someone like him as family. But what it means to her isn't his concern right now, because it means everything to him
They have no idea what the other has lost, only what they themselves have, and what this contract represents to each of them is the chance to get it back. Ichi doesn't know why Desscaras wants to give it to him, and Desscaras doesn't know why Ichi accepted, but both of them now have someone who has implicitly told them that they are willing to fill the hole in their lives, and that's all that matters
This is also why the little matter of Ichi being unwittingly enslaved is so easy to sweep under the rug
Siblings, Siblings
Naturally, once Ichi learns that the contract has forcibly made him subservient to Desscaras, he becomes indignant and demands that it be undone. He was tricked, after all, and he doesn't want to follow unreasonable orders
However, once Desscaras is out of the room, Ichi doesn't ruminate on his indentured servitude, that's the furthest thing from his mind. Instead, it is Desscaras' original words that resound in his heart: "a home is a place you can come back to, no matter where in the world you are." Even if she threw in a major downside right at the end, Desscaras' true message has been received loud and clear
It also remains to be seen just how far Desscaras is going to go with her ability to lobby commands at Ichi. Honestly, her commands so far have been pretty standard fair for a mentor - "cook for me, clean for me, learn the more menial aspects of our trade." I don't see her extorting favors out of him or anything, just little things to make her own life less stressful or to teach him a good work ethic
Plus there's the fact that her gloating was sandwiched between her initial pitch and her justification to Monegold. While the reveal of the slavery clause may seem to invalidate the sentiment of what she told Ichi directly, her confrontation with Monegold and soulful assertion that she sees Ichi as family confirms that nothing she said was a lie
What this tells me is that she never intended to pull a fast one on Ichi, nor was she being opportunistic to use her newfound power as a bonus to all of her previous motivations. No, I think she was just...embarrassed
As I said last week, Desscaras isn't one to be vulnerable. She's the Strongest Witch, and that comes with the expectation that she has no weakness
Like I said, Ichi doesn't know about Libro. He doesn't know that he's filling a void for Desscaras the way she is for him, and she doesn't want him to know
She doesn't want him to know how much she cares, she just wants him to feel cared for. So to hide the truth, she turns around and laughs in his face. She presents it as transactional, the void in Ichi's life being filled in exchange for free labor, when in reality the emotional aspect is completely mutual
And I think on some level, Ichi already has that figured out. Like I said, he moves on from it pretty fast and is able to smile warmly at the thought of having a home despite Desscaras' nasty attitude. Whether Ichi has any direct experience with family relationships in the first place, I think Ichi understands already that this sort of teasing, capricious behavior is just how Desscaras is and was all part of what he was signing up anyway
He understands that being family means seeing more of each other, for better and worse. Everything he knows Desscaras to be, lazy and selfish, won't cease to be true just because they share blood now, and if anything will be amplified. But he'll also see the Desscaras who was honest with him, who offered to provide for him, who wants to be with him. I think Ichi has known Desscaras long enough already that he recognizes when she's being genuine and when she's being defensive, so he knows that when she calls him her "dog," it's to guard her heart rather than to put him down
With this in mind, I think it's quite likely that "Family" is going to become one of the running major themes across the story, and that the relationship between Ichi and Desscaras alone won't be the only angle we approach it from
The Desscaras Bunch
Though it's been a hot minute since she had any real dialogue, Kumugi is still a member of Team Desscaras, and one who will certainly be used to further the Family theme. Her backstory has already been established to center around her family's dismissal of her abilities, making her a perfect parallel to Ichi: where Ichi's family abandoned him physically, Kumugi's abandoned her emotionally
Ichi's acknowledgment of Kumugi already shows how he can fill her void, and Desscaras' forceful interjection into conversation with Kumugi shows how Kumugi can fill their voids in turn. Both of them have an established dynamic with her that is set to be explored as the story goes on, and the interplay between their dynamics when together and alone offers even more opportunities for depth and growth
Even Uroro is likely to be a part of this family. Right now he's antagonistic with Ichi and Desscaras, but he did once ask Kumugi to be friends. Sure, he definitely had some ulterior motive, but it shows that he has the capacity to interact with members of the group outside of just Ichi, and therefore won't be confined to only one or two dynamics
And of course, Nishi has no plans to stop with only four members of the group. As Jiki's newest prophecy foretells, they're about to add a fourth "stalwart companion" to the team
I'm not going to go too far into speculating on this character since we know so little, but we do know two things: 1) that they violently hunt Magiks, and 2) they're apparently a man
The Arc Where a Man--
Viz always cuts out the editors' notes, but as you may have seen other folks mention already, in the original Japanese, he's referred to as "'a man' who tramples on Magiks." The quotes are suspicious, but they could just be there to highlight his gender rather than call it into question
While it is possible that he's actually a woman, for the moment I'm going to operate under the assumption that he's a man solely because I think it presents a more interesting angle to explore the world from
Case in point: I do not think that this person is a Male Witch like Ichi. Rather, I think that he wants to be, and is hunting Magiks to see if he can find a spell that he can actually use
Remember, in ch.1, it was stated that there were a handful of prerequisites that Ichi had to meet to use Magic:
Facing a Magik that allowed a man to pass its trial
A body and mind well-trained enough to handle its usage
The capacity to acquire a Magik at all
The first criteria is actually pretty easy - most Magiks' trials don't actually disqualify men in the first place! It's just that no man would ever try because it's "widely believed" that men can't use Magic. So all that's really needed is for a man to make an attempt rather than for the Magik to allow it
The second is also a no-brainer - look at this guy's bod! He's not excessively jacked or anything, but he's definitely drawn to look like a trained fighter, and even if we ignore his design, he's standing in the viscera of a giant frog! He ripped that thing apart with his bare hands! He's clearly at least comparable to Ichi in physical strength if not more, and what a "trained mind" means is still unclear even for Ichi, so we won't worry about it
All that's left then is to actually acquire a Magik, and the only way to know if you can is to try. So, by shaking down Magiks and asking for their trials, this guy increases his odds of finding a Magik that he's capable of acquiring simply through quantity
However, I don't think it's a matter of compatibility. If it were as simple as the Witch and Magik being a match, Togeice probably wouldn't have been able to acquire Macilvaine who clashed with her persona and aesthetic. No, I think it's a lot more fundamental than that:
I think that men might literally lack a Magic Circle
The way it's portrayed, it seems like a...cavity within the soul, a hollowed-out portion of the self meant for housing Magiks. For whatever reason, whether it's biological or spiritual, most men simply don't have Magic Circles, while women inherently do. Or, perhaps, men simply have too small of Magic Circles to be able to fit Magiks in the first place
Maybe that's why Ichi was able to do it: because he was either born with or otherwise created a Magic Circle inside of himself. Maybe he accidentally stumbled across the method to do so. Maybe countless men have and have simply never tried to use it because they had no idea they had! Maybe Minakata somehow implanted one into him, who knows?
I don't expect to get the answers to this one anytime soon, but if this new recruit is a man, I think he'll be an important piece in the puzzle for us to understand this element of the worldbuilding. I think he'll also provide a unique fighting style among the cast, being solely physical as opposed to Desscaras' mostly magical and Ichi's mixed styles, plus parallels to everyone else's narratives. The one I'd be most excited to see is comparing his attempts to overcome a perceived limitation to Kumugi's resignation to being incapable, but I'm not going to hold my breath just in case
Buuut if they are a woman, I'm certainly not going to complain, especially with those cute freckles!
Until next time, let's enjoy life!
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And then there are personality disorders and really bad OCD (the kind where if you tell people your thoughts they might feel compelled to get you fired or call the police) and schizophrenia that are demonized- people who claim they don't have feelings or they brought their pain upon themselves or literally making comparisons between people with these disorders and demons/monsters from the bible
So in short we have
Sexy pretty emo problems until it actually disables you/you don't have a relatable or tragic reason to be upset
'tragic but poetic something tragic must have happened- wtfdym its just a chemical imbalance and that embarrassing issues pop up? No you better have a good reason and no gross issues like ibs or bad hygiene! Wdym that you want to get help without people taking your autonomy away? That's what makes you beautiful and if it's bad enough that it's no longer attractive then you deserve to be locked up! Your trauma (and if you don't have trauma your just whining) makes you special and cool and talented and you will lose all your talents if you get help which should be reserved for when it's no longer sexy/when it's an emergency'
Smol bean/spoiled brat eternal child who we can dismiss at anytime no matter how real the problem is and we'll just shake jingly keys in your face to act like it's fixed/distract you
'your a baby. Your issues are trivial and your lives aren't complex because your a toddler- here's an apply juice go count to 5 and your in time out for throwing a tantrum- your problem isn't serious your crying over spilt milk and imaginary problems- it's so disappointing you'll never amount to anything and even if you do your life will always be simpler and shittier than mine and I'll get angry at you for trying to do adult things or learn stuff outside of what I deem appropriate/within the capabilities I decided you have - I'll tell you what's easy and hard and worth being upset over also if your a big dude and have these issues you are creepy and dangerous and I will call the police on you <3'
And finally we have 'We could see you get lynched/burnt at the stake and we'd justify it and then make a support group for the person who did it/all the articles about the disorder are for dealing with you while providing no help for the person dealing with the disorder'
'your a monster. Clearly you having no empathy or hearing voices etc means your gonna rape and cannibalize children. In the Bible God said it's okay to enslave you because you are in leagues with Satan. One of the symptoms of x means your a pathological liar I'm a survivor of narcissistic abuse and that criminal on the news has a psychotic disorder- you clearly weren't abused your lying. You better get out of our support group for victims of abuse from people like you-also I'm telling your boss about your diagnosis we can't have you serving fast food you'll probably poison it and molest anyone that comes in- because having a flat affect/paranoia means you'll definitely do that cause your hiding something! You existed with demon disorder not sorry about the fact you got abused as a kid cause I know your lying and you manipulated your abuser into hitting you for attention at age 11'
A common societal trend Iâve noticed is quite prevalent is the romanticization of certain mental disorders and the infantilization of others. This trend thoroughly befouls our perception of people with such disorders, and in certain circumstances this can be quite harmful.
Disorders such as depression, OCD, and, even to a certain extent, anxiety are all heavily romanticized in literature and media. Characters with these conditions are constantly sought after, and seen as beautifully broken. Their suffering is seen in itself as an art of its own.
Whereas characters, as well as people, who are on the autism spectrum or have ADHD, are very often infantilized, their behaviors being described as childlike. They may be seen as annoying, bothersome, or just a pain to deal with in general. Their pain is not seen as poetic, but essentially meaningless, because their plights seem so trivial. If they are doted on, itâs often demeaning.
Iâm certainly not blameless in this cultural phenomenon, but I do believe that itâs truly messed up. I wish to understand why mass behaviors such as these exist. Why do we perceive certain conditions in different lights, and is it possible that societyâs preconceived notion of these disorders can change?
#philosophy#kinda depressing#poetic#ocd#anxi4ty#adhd#romanticism#infantalism#autism#author#pretentious#annoying#is this deep#anxiety#idek at this point#might be boring#we live in a society#societal perceptions#social issues#sociology#social anxiety#societal norms#academia#intellectual curiosity#I try too hard#essay writing#academic writing#ig#demonization#What sucks is that you'll meet therapists who have these beliefs
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#critical role#cr lb#ygifs#imogen#and now I'm like did imogen have her own reason for not even going near the raven queen did she pray to her for her mother#thinking her mother was dead was gone and the goddess of death had her and it was just a little girl praying at her bedside#take care of her mother. tell her how much she misses her. she misses her so much. and the raven queen never answered#and she could find no comfort not even in a deity who brought eternal rest there was no solace. and there was no correction#did she pick a god and pray? for her mother to come back. for her father not to hate her. for someone to look at her like shes not a monste#that all this time this certified atheist to have zero interest in the gods or helping them not because she genuinely didn't care#but because once upon a time the little girl she used to be cared so much. and prayed so hard. never seeing the red veil around her#damning her from the grace of the gods#and isn't that just what a monster deserves#not even a gracious god will find you special enough you feel like nothing to them because you are nothing to them#and it's like is that true or is such an evil force preventing their light and it's like I'm chewing but I'm choking#I had to stop looking at laura's face because it was making me too craaazzzyy she'd just be like (bafta) and I'd be like (SCREAMING)#hey matt if this is a birdcall to make imogen a paladin tweet tweet beautiful man
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Y'know I kind of feel like when Megatron killed Tarn and said 'I want you to spend your final moments thinking of this: that everything you've done has been for nothing' he was kind of self-projecting onto Tarn? Mainly because at Megatron's statue, M and T had a conversation where Tarn explicitly asked if all the Decepticons in service to Megatron died for nothing, if HE did everything he did for nothing. (And I think M even gave an answer along the lines of 'idk I think we basically did'). And then after Megatron killed the DJD and Rodimus teleported in to rescue him, there was that silent moment where Megatron just stared at Rodimus not moving at all before he finally took his hand at the last moment.
It honestly feels to me like for a while, Megatron fully intended to murder-suicide himself. Murder the DJD, his monsters and his creation, and then take himself out alongside them, because he is also a monster. Because he also feels that everything he's ever done has been for nothing.
Goddamn it's no wonder I liked that scene so much LMAO, as someone who thinks villain Megatron > Autobot Megatron, literally one of his key traits is that Megatron basically took his pain/trauma/worldview and used it to lash out at the universe and try to subjugate it to his vision. So the fact that he took his own pain and brutally murdered the DJD while telling them the very same thing that puts him through so much agony is so very deliciously ironic. And a return, however brief, to the Megatron characterization that I know and love.
#squiggposting#i also feel like it turns his asshole behavior towards tarn into something more understandable#like... he is not just condemning tarn and co for being evil useless bastards#as if he has the moral high ground. no. megatron also thinks his whole life was wasted#for a moment he fully intended to kill all of the DJD and then himself. a circle of monsters#who all exist for no good reason and did horrible things for no good reason#only rodimus coming in is what saved megatron both literally and in a spiritual sense#from believing he deserved to just die in the same hellish pit he killed his creations in#THIS IS LIKE SOME FUCKING METAL ASS BIBLICAL SHIT I'M TELLING YOU#tbh if megatron had actually died in there with tarn and the djd i wouldve considered that#a more satisfying end to his story than what we got#particularly bc i think the functionist universe is stupid and LL 25 felt like. contrived#in how it dealt with Megatron's fate#anyways the TLDR is that megatron was an asshole to tarn as if he didnt make him how he was#but like during that one moment i think he was in a pit of self loathing#and he wanted to drag the djd. tarn in particular. along with him for ruining his happiness#i'm sorry but that's who megatron is#if your megatron isn't an intensely angry/damaged person who drags ppl down with him#bc of his own projection and self loathing then like. who is he#enough soft grandpa mtmte megatron i love violent unresolvable self hatred and lashing out megs
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blame @seeking-elsewhither for this one. it's echo time and i'm having thoughts (tm)
#yeah it's more hfsw bad batcher time. this means suffering on the part of echo#...whose armor design i kind of hate but at the moment i haven't had time to give him a definitive design so we're stuck with this for now#star wars#margin doodles#hfsw#look at my guys#handprinted#okay but i am not going to lie. i have so many thoughts about echo. ESPECIALLY in hfsw#like. you were supposed to die. but you didn't. you were brought back and it was the most painful thing you've ever experienced#and you have to endure months on end of torture practicing the very black arts you were born to fight against#so that the monsters who saved your life can use your knowledge to kill your brothers#and the only thing keeping you from completely giving up is the memory of a supernova smile that grows fainter every day#and then you're finally rescued after an eternity of torment but something is wrong because the person who was supposed to rescue you...#isn't there#and he never will be again#and you'll never see his smile again#(but you could. you could you know. you have that power now. you could bring him back. if you really wanted.#but you could never. you would never forgive yourself for dredging him back up from his well-deserved rest for such a selfish reason.#you'd never forgive yourself for putting him through that pain and white-hot agony just because you miss him. so you don't.)#and you love your new brothers. really you do. and you love your little sister; you love her so much that your wrongly-beating heart aches#and you love what you do; even if it's terrifying and dangerous saving your brothers from a fate worse than death (and you would know)#but... there's a sour knot that throbs in your gut every time your vision snags on your skeleton hand or bony feet#and every time you look in the mirror and see the unnaturally glowing green crackles in your irises#you're not of this world anymore. and you're not sure you'll ever be okay with that.
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i know this being my first post OOC since i have come back from my hiatus might be semi-random, but honestly, all i have been thinking about for about ten minutes or so for some reason (nah, not for some reason LOLLL it's because i actually watched it recently) is that if barton were at that party that lex luthor was hosting that batman attended in zack snyder's justice league... i'm sorry, but he would literally set a record for how fast someone can chug all of the champagne at a party JSJSJ or literally ANY party with lex luthor at it because something about his presence just makes Barton Not Want to be Sober NGL y'all â ď¸
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#ooc post.#nooo but i know that setting a record for how fast one can drink all the champagne at a party isn't really a good thing but also...#i can sort of understand barton here because what was that man talking about in zack snyder's justice league when he was giving that speech#like i could not tell you a lick of what he was saying BC i didn't understand what he was trying to say NGL JSJSJ#so barton literally taking a drink every single time a waiter passes by = somewhat understandable to me. SKSKS LOL#and also just the fact that its lex luthor... EHHH no offense to anyone who may like his character out there but you know when you-#just automatically don't like someone upon meeting them because they give off bad vibes to you? that's how barton feels-#about him. like that man has definitely committed unnameable atrocities and even barton wants to steer clear of him for that#also: hey guys!! i hope you all have been well and drinking plenty of water + eating good food because you deserve the best MUAH
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i wanted to make a post about a thing but the more i think about it the more i want to say and it's just going to end up being a big ramble essay, so instead i'll just give the thesis statement, thusly:
as the #1 Ratgrinders Apologist (self-appointed), of course they're the final boss fight to the death. i expected nothing less and the people trying to make discourse about it are ignoring the entire context of this being a Dungeons and Dragons game
#they're not playing 'discuss our traumas and and try to help strangers grow: the game'#they're playing 'murder people for getting in our way: the game'#which i know is now me being snubbing about D&D as a game but like. siobhan said it: theyve committed SO much murder#did the lunch lady in episode 2 deserve to be murdered? did the skater dwarves deserved to be murdered?#did the monsters the school sicced on the kids in their Last Stand deserve to be slaughtered like that??#its literally the name of the game!#the two things that are turning this into a bigger essay are 1) me being actually very disappointed in Burrow's End with how the players#just did not want at all to engage with the moral greyness aabria was trying to bring into the story#it was clear that was a direction she wanted to explore and i wanted to see it explored#but even OUT of characters the cast just would NOT engage or acknowledge the validity of that direction#and there was only so much aabria could do without being labeled a killjoy... because D&D often ISN'T a game for reckoning with#the justification of your character's actions! its a game for killing giant bears and saving the town from cultists!!#baked into the foundation of the game conceit is 'you are the hero and you are saving the day ergo your actions are Right and Just'#thing 2) i just listened to that WWW fireside the other day where brennan goes on about how combat does not get in the way#of story in dnd. that whole stove metaphor? and it rankled me so much lol because like aabria finally says after that:#yeah you bring your own food to the stove but when what you've got is a stove. the food you make is GOING to get cooked#combat and fighting and killing is baked into the system from its foundation. acting like D&D or even just d20 (the system)#is a resolution engine that also allows fighting and not a fighting engine that also allows other skills is. wishful thinking i think#and to bring this back to the POINT: of COURSE they're going to kill the rat grinders! because it's fun!#because thats how you resolve conflict in a combat game! straight up i honestly believe a lengthy conversation trying to win the kids over#would have been a weird energy to end the season on! it would have been a let down!#it would have been a huge tonal shift. because the tone you bring to a D&D game is 'killing this is fine actually'#and if you dont like that you /dont/ play D&D. its not a value judgment#i LOVE getting into moral implications and justifications and ive gotta tone it down when i run D&D games because it can kill the vibe#anyway. i said i wasnt going to write the whole essay and im not. but i did write most of the rant oops
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happy saturday evening besties
#tag yourself i'm resurrection by monsters#god i love horror audio dramas#old gods of appalachia won my poll of what to listen next but i did skip a few episodes since i started it a couple years ago#i started listening to it before it became part of rusty quill i got jump scared by alex newall's voice this time around#not kidding about having a good saturday night though!! just set up outside with my cat in his tent and a glass of wine#the one thing i think kept me from listening to it before was that it absolutely requires your full attention#which isn't a bad thing at all!! but sometimes i listen to podcasts when i'm doing something else#still!! i know i'll love it when i listen to it the way it deserves
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first valentine's day in a long time that I have someone worth doting on and I'm wasting it feeling like shit about myself and my identity and everything else
#literally can't think about anything other than not feeling like i deserve to call myself trans#and how being called a lesbian makes me uncomfortable but being considered a lesbian brings my gf such joy#so if we're together wtf does that mean#i wish everything were easier#i feel like nothing compared to the transfem struggle#hatred isnt constantly weaponized against me#what right do i have to claim the trans identity at all#i hate being considered a woman but i do nothing to suggest I'm anything else#like i think i can just declare ''I'm a boy'' and have that mean shit#is there even a kind of masculinity that exists in this world that isn't just oppressive and violent#how can i say i admire those things and strive for them in front of someone who hates how it was expected of them their whole life#why am i so not okay with transitioning#why can't i do anything but live in fear#I'm going to fuck this up. i finally get to know what real love feels like and I'm going to sabotage all of it#I'm going to make them hate me and there's nothing i can do#it's just a matter of time#I'm scared that they'll go in hrt and it will make them unrecognizable to me as the person i fell in love with#and isn't that horrible of me? doesn't that make me as much of a transphobic monster as my ex#i feel like absolute shit. i wish I'd died in that car accident. i wish I'd never met someone who makes me so happy#so that i wouldn't have anything to fear losing or changing#i wish i didn't exist. i hate this whole fucking world#and also what disgusting level of privilege we all have to be giving a fuck about our genders while a genocide rages on#i wish i could wish for death but i don't wish for my gf to go through that loss#i wish i truly had nothing to lose. i don't deserve a damn thing
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chat am I cooked
#crying over irl stuff??#it's more likely than u think#đđđwhere is my composure#tears are reserved for sukugo help#I don't like this#personal#I'm not even crying for myself#funerals are for the living and these tears are for someone else#deserving so much better#FUCK capitalism.#fuck having to work as hard as you do#I want to provide everything instead. why are you 3x my age and able to work more#why am I out of breath just lying in bed#it isn't fair#thank you for showing me what it means to live in a home without abuse. even though it took years to realize that I'm safe here.#I feel like such an abuser for not being able to give you everything. I'll do what I can and pray that it's enough#we grew apart when I defected from the cults but you never hurt me. and I was a wreck during those 10 years of deconstruction#what they did was monstrous and it created a monster and you stayed calm giving me space to put the pieces back together. thank you for#I wish our family had the balls to communicate. I don't want you to leave with anything left unsaid. but is there anything you want to say?#to hear? I'm not sure. I wonder if you still believe in thr rapture. waving flags and cheering in church.#death doesn't even bother me. it's sacred. it's an honor. the ultimate release. I want to die alone. but do you? should I be by your side?#everything is fine#but I would take your place if I could#it just be like this sometimes
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Bela should have either came back in the finale (15x19 was the finale what are you talking about) and saved everyone by shooting Chuck in the back with some magic gun she "procured" or came back in Season 12 by breaking into the British MoL facility to stop Lady Bevell from brainwashing Mary. Either way, it should have involved her shooting someone and one upping the Winchesters as usual
#bela talbot#i will always be mad that she didn't come back as a demon#i just KNOW she would've escaped hell and did her own thing until she felt she had to intervene#bela interacting with the british MoL honestly would have been so interesting like#they supposedly take out every monster in england but made a deal with hell so the crossroad demons could do their schtick#and bc of that the demon was able to get to bela and get her to sell her soul#considering what she said about hunters i personally think revenge isn't that big of a thing to her#but i don't think she would have minded taking them out#she deserved so much better rip
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Tag Dump 1
#Ah. There he is. That motherfucker. What a tool. [OOC]#I'll never find a moment of peace. Even in the silence. [Meme. Specify Muse]#I swear we had the best intentions. [Answer]#I might have wept but there was no one around to prove it. [Queue]#When does a man become a monster? [Veld. Isms]#My heart could be burning but you wouldn't see it on my face. [Veld. Visage]#Is this the price I'm paying for past mistakes? [Veld. HC]#What is grief if not love preserving? [Veld. IC]#You haven't given into fear before. Why start now? [Jules. Isms]#I have always been full of light. [Jules. Visage]#They should be terrified of you. [Jules. HC]#I just wanna laugh through it all. [Jules. IC]#I just want to survive. [Ruluf. Isms]#I am going to find some trouble. I am going to make some trouble. [Ruluf. Visage]#I still know how to take the abuse. [Ruluf. HC]#Careful with me. I'm volatile. [Ruluf. IC]#Plenty of monsters know how to play at being human. [Vincent. Isms]#Not yet corpses. Still we rot. [Vincent. Visage]#This time around I'll make you proud. [Vincent. HC]#An echo of inflicted evil. [Vincent. IC]#Life isn't easy. Life isn't fair. [Ren. Isms]#Who we are versus who we need to survive. [Ren. Visage]#I will be the one to make it out alive. I will be the one to survive. [Ren. HC]#Fight it or accept it. [Ren. IC]#I fell in love with the fire long ago. [Rude. Isms]#He who creates misery also has the ability to destroy it with kindness. [Rude. Visage]#Do we get what we deserve? [Rude. HC]#One of us is gonna lose. [Rude. IC]#Rather die than give up on the fight. [Elena. Isms]#I wanna be loud. So loud. [Elena. Visage]
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so, now that I can type without getting super dizzy, can we talk about Hachiware turning into a monster
#the whole country went like 'YOOOOOOOO' when it happened dear god#Hachiware STILL isn't facing himself. he wanted to ask Chiikawa something serious but just pretended it was nothing#I think this really is a look into his endgame#he can't keep denying his true feelings#and who's to say that it's bad to become a monster? we still don't know the nature of the lil critter's subjugation#IS HACHIWARE NOT BREAKING HIS CHAINS BY REALISING HE HAS THE WILL TO KILL TO GET WHAT HE WANTS? WHAT HE DESERVES?#he's so poor and has been keeping his chin up this whole time but. it's not fun to be poor#god. CHIIKAWA!!!
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The Parade Performer
Dpxdc Prompt #18
Every year Gotham hosts a parade where performers dress up as Gotham villains and go riding on a parade float around town while gothamites throw anything they can manage at them. These performers are paid an obscene amount for going through the abuse of every person living in Gotham. The more hated the villain the more the performers are paid, so obviously being the Joker pays the most.
Though, this doesn't matter much because every year the Joker kills the person that plays him during the parade.
So obviously Danny Fenton, a broke runaway that has already died once decides to be the Joker for the Gotham Villain's Parade.
Danny hates clowns.
Everyone in Gotham hates clowns, so he isn't special in that regard. No, he's special in that his hate for clowns does not stem from the Joker.
It's that specialty, along with the fact that he's used to people hating him his home town never really liked his protection, no matter how much they needed his help , and that he needs money to help him survive Gotham that has lead him to become a parade performer.
He joins a very short line of people who are desperate enough to dress as the worst Gotham has to offer.
He's the only one that's there for the role of the Joker.
All the people there look at him like he's a dead man walking.
He sits down and allows the makeup artist to turn him into an unrecognizable monster. She looks at Danny like she is stabbing a knife into his heartâwhich for all intents and purposes she is.
As he stares into the mirror he allows a change in his previous statement. He was turned into a monster for sure, but there was nothing unrecognizable about the man that had hurt every single person in Gotham City in some way.
He steps onto the float and prepares himself mentally. Whatever they say, whatever they do, they don't mean it about him. They are just taking out on him what they can't do to the man that has ruined so many lives.
Danny stands still as rotten tomatoes are thrown his way. He stands as still as a statue for all of the insults. The only time he moves is when knives and bullets rain upon him, he doesn't plan to die, not to misplaced anger.
He gets his money, it's enough that could last him into retirement. It doesn't matter too much as he is kidnapped 3 days later.
The Joker beats him with a crowbar, smashes all of his bones into pieces, and televises the whole event.
"This is what happens to those that mock me," he says, "There's only one Joker and that is me."
Danny knows he won't die, he doesn't have bones for the crowbar to break.
Red Hood doesn't know that. Jason Todd just sees a desperate kid that's about to get killed on live TV.
He loads his gun, find's the murderer that's haunted his dreams, his death, and his life. He shoots, no Bruce to stop him.
He picks up the kid and brings him to a safehouse. Jason is too late for the kid the same way Bruce was for him. He has no pulse, no breath entering his lungs. He deserves a peaceful resting place.
And then the kid's eyes open and Jason's world is turned upside down.
#dcxdp#dp x dc prompt#danny fenton#jason todd#the joker#queenie-prompts#this turned out darker than expected
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