#and is a lonely little bitch who can’t even get one friend irl

[rotting-batcorpse]

-🫀

[blarfkey]

Writing Tag Game

I've been tagged by like ten people for this so thank you everyone who tagged me! @redinkofshame, @cartadwarfwithaheartofgold, @kunstpause Consider yourself tagged if you see it and like it.

How many works do you have on Ao3?

38!

What's your total Ao3 wordcount?

702,253. I would love for it to be more but I am a slow writer lol

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Woodstock 83 --3480 Kudos

Xmen fic set after Apocalypse where Peter keeps getting these golden opportunities to tell Magneto/Erik that he's his son, and keeps chickening out at the last minute.

I know I wasn't the only one who walked out of that movie theater pissed that Peter came so close to admitting this secret since the previous movie and never did, so I wrote a fix it.

2. The Sun Will Shine When Morning Comes -- 2567 Kudos

The sequel to Woodstock 83, told in Magneto's POV where he's coming to terms with being a father while he cares for his sick son. This is probably my fav X-Men fic I've ever written because I loved having these two figure out what their father/son relationship would be like long after Peter has grown up and how Erik has wanted a child again but doesn't know how to process having one.

3. Jail Break -- 2488 kudos

The first Peter & Magneto fic I ever wrote and the first fic I ever published! This takes place post Days of Future Past and it shows how Magneto could have found out that Peter was his son and build that reluctant connection. Peter has a lot of freaking out about whether or not he wants to accept a supervillain as his father.

4. Clowns to the Left of Me, Jokers to the Right -- 2396 Kudos

The third part of the series Jail Break Started. For some reason this is the most popular one shot in the series. In it, Peter has a huge fight with Magneto and then gets kidnapped by The Bad Guys and doesn't think his dad will come bail him out. But of course he does! And murders everyone in the compound to do it.

5. Two Lonely Souls in a Fish Bowl -- 2361 Kudos

The direct sequel to Jail Break where Magneto keeps showing up in the dead of night to visit Peter as they both figure out how they want this weird parent relationship to be.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always! Even if it takes me a while. I love the interaction and I want people to feel noticed and appreciated.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Um, i don't really like angst. I think it would be Spark Me Up for Xmen. Professor X/Magneto angst with my first ever written smut. It was a remix of another person's fic for an exchange and they had an angsty ending so I kept it.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

The last installment in the Jail Break/Come Together Series -- Shine On You Crazy Diamond. In it, Peter's little sister Wanda comes into her powers and they go through a lot of pain before she settles into them. It ends with Peter's mom coming to stay with them and her, Peter, Wanda, Erik, and Charles becoming one big family. I've had several people tell me it made them cry lol.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

I'll write something like a set of characters from one fandom in the set up/premise of another fandom/piece of media. Like Dear Fen'harel is a crossover of Dragon Age with an old book called Dear Daddy Long Legs. But I don't combine different universes of different fandoms, it's too weird for me and I can't buy into it.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

took over and finished. We have an AU in our plans but so many other fics keep getting in the way! Sort of? I wrote the first part of a Solas/Maria/Varric series that@cartadwarfwithaheartofgold

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I did receive a weird, angry message on one of my Xmen fics because they didn't like a fight that had happened between two characters but didn't read till the end to see it resolved so the bitched at me for the fact that the fight was mean? Which made no sense. But other than that, nope.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes! Though it's not as much as my non-smut. I didn't write smut for so many years because I didn't think I knew how. I tried to write some out a few years ago and kept it to myself until one of my tumblr friends read it and said it was really good! So shout out to @salexectria, you're the reason why I write and publish smut!

I write all kinds of smut, from dub con to vanilla, from f/f, m/m, and ace spectrum characters. Its all about the characters and what would fit them/the situation more than it is about a specific type of sex.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

If I have, I don't know about it.

What's your all time favourite ship?

Ummmmmm, that's hard. I don't think I have an all time favorite. I will say that Charles/Erik (Professor X/Magneto) was my first ever "otp" that I got completely obsessed with. Actually, I have never been that obsessed with another pairing. I write pairings that I enjoy or that I want to see a certain dynamic from, but that doesn't make them my favorite above all others.

I do really love Solas/Cadash and I prefer Solas rare pairs like Solas/Dorian, Solas/Cassandra, and Solas/Josephine over Solavellan.

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I will never not finish a WIP. I hate it when it happens, even though I know IRL gets in the way, but it's so frustrating for me as a reader. So I will finish all my fics. However, I am very slow and very busy so it may take a while.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and character voice. I also am really good at developing friendships and platonic bonds or the slow burn get-to-know-you part of a romance. Apparently I write good smut, though its very hard for me lol.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions and transitions and pacing.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

The only thing that bothers me is if they never put in a translations somewhere and you have to just kind of guess. I don't care about reading something in another language and having a footnote or a note at the end of the chapter. I do it all the time in DF. I do think that putting "said in {insert language here}" is a bit of a cop out.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The first ever fandom I wrote for and never published was Harry Potter at 13. I wrote a story about a muggle neighbor who had to emergency babysit the baby Weasleys and was shocked by the magic. But I tried to submit it to a website that only published fic by application and it didn't get in and I was like "whatever, I'll just read fic" and then didn't touch fanfic again until I was . . .24 or 25 lol. I mostly focused on my original fiction.

What's your favourite fic you've written?

I can't possibly have one favorite. I do really love my Peter fics, especially The Sun Will Shine When Morning Comes. I love my ACO fic with Apollo!Alkibiades. I love my Solas/Cassandra friendship fic Time Does Not Bring Relief. And I love Dear Fen'harel, of course, because it has so many things I wanted to change for Solavellan or didn't find, as well as a good analysis of myself and how I deal with anger and sorrow and homesickness, ect. through Ellana.

[letters-from-r]

I Burn: A Review

I'm not good at reviewing things but I thought I should say some things about (G)I-DLE's 4th mini album 'I Burn' since this is the first comeback I'll be witnessing as a Neverland. I know next to nothing about the technicalities of music, so I'll say what I want to say as easy as I can say it.

If you come across this post, please give the album a listen before reading my review. I recommend listening with headphones/headset! Here’s the link to the album on Spotify.

#1: HANN (Alone in Winter)

The first song on the abum is called HANN, which is a continuation to their previous song also called HANN. HANN 2.0 starts out exactly like it promises: chilling. A few piano beats that goes lower with each beat, a lone high beat followed by a lone low beat, all the while a strong wind blows in the background. It gave me the feeling of being isolated.

The song talks about a neverending winter after a breakup (one that happened preceding the events of HANN 1.0). Based on the lyrics, the main character seem to be in the middle of a very long winter, alone for a very long time. The line ‘Is it my greed to wait for your spring again?’ gives me the impression that the main character has not completely moved on from the ex yet, but there is an obvious negative feeling towards this ex as well.

I can tell that this song is supposed to be from the perspective of someone who is hurting, with Yuqi and Miyeon’s verses followed by a melodious shout (?) that seem to convey hurting. I can’t explain it very well but I can feel the emotions by the way they sing the lyrics.

The song is dominantly accompanied by piano, whose melody goes perfectly with the message the lyrics are communicating. Shuhua’s melodic ‘Lalala lalala’ adds to the overall melancholic feeling of the song.

When I first heard this song it didn’t have as strong of an impact on me as it does now, it’s a song that gets better the more you listen to it. I’ve watched quite a few fan edits of this song as well, and it goes well with period dramas and movies with sad endings. The title came from the Korean word ‘Han’ which is a feeling that cannot be directly translated to English, but from what I gathered it means something along the lines of feeling empty or void, alone, sad, the feeling of having lost someone, etc.

Overall, I give this song a rating of 9.3/10.

#2: HWAA (Fire, Flower) [Title Track]

I think even if Soyeon didn’t say beforehand that HANN (Alone), HANN (Alone in Winter), and HWAA were connected, just by reading the lyrics I would definitely know. HWAA starts out with a Soyeon singing verse, which is one of my favorite things ever (because I know her raps are fire but girl can also sing so well!).

The song starts out cold as well, and it gets warmer as the song goes on. I love how you can especially tell that the song is cold with Minnie’s first verse. She does this thing with her voice that will make you feel chilly. As the song goes on, it will become bass-heavy, which I love.

The message that I got from this song is that the main character is now in their lowest of lows (’The darkness gets deeper’ from Soyeon’s first verse), which means they can only go up from there. The main character has finally cried all their tears (’I can’t live any more tears’ from Soojin’s first verse) and is now ready to bloom again.

Soyeon’s rap verse gives me the idea that the main character is ready to completely erase the memory of their ex (’I won’t leave any traces of you, even the resentment I can’t say is far and wide’), or at least use this to fuel their rebirth (’It will release the cold, enjoy spring again, all memories become fire or fertilizer’). Soyeon’s genius is especially evident in this track, because throughout the whole song she will keep referencing the title (HWAA) with both of its meaning (Fire, Flower) without it feeling disconnected from each other. ‘Fire will release the cold, enjoy spring again (with flowers), all memories become fire (to further fuel fire) or fertilizer (to nourish the flower).’ I think it’s absolutely brilliant!

In HANN (Alone) and HANN (Alone in Winter) it was kind of evident that the main character is resentful of or angry at their ex for what happened, and in HWAA the main character is still angry but for a different reason: they’re angry at losing their ‘spring’ and is now using this anger to fuel their rebirth (’I get mad, get mad even more to regain the lost spring’ from Yuqi’s verse).

The chorus to this song is a harmonic, melodic, singing of ‘HWAA’ from all of the members (but if I’m not mistaken the chorus itself is mostly led by Shuhua). At first it seemed lacking to put such little words in the chorus, but after watching (G)I-DLE’s latest I-Talk episode where Soyeon talks a little about HWAA, it now makes sense. Soyeon said that the way the chorus is sang represents how the fire burns (you’ll get it when you listen to it, at least I did). In fact, Shuhua’s line before the chorus (’Set fire’) kind of says it all.

Honestly, I wish I was born speaking Korean, or at least knew how to speak Korean, because I can only imagine how impactful these lyrics are. Soyeon has said in a behind the scenes video that she used old Korean words for this album to properly convey the message.

Overall, I give this song a 9.2/10.

#3: MOON

This track holds a special place in my heart because it’s one of two tracks composed by Minnie (yes, my bias). Also because the track is called ‘Moon’ which I think is pretty cool. Plus, the lyrics are written by Soyeon, so it’s guaranteed good.

When I hear the word ‘moon’ I automatically associate it with emotions, maybe it’s the hidden astrology bitch inside of me but anything that has to do with the moon I immediately think ‘emotions’. This track is one of those things, and I know I’m right this time.

The song starts with a Minnie verse, and from the start you’d know it’s quite different from the previous two songs. Although personally I think all six songs are similar in such a way that they all seem to ‘take place’ at night, either on a night drive with friends or alone on a roof staring at the moon or alone in your bedroom staring outside the window, they all seem like the type of songs that you’d listen to at night.

Anyway, I kind of digressed there, but the point is this song is quite different from the previous two but also similar. It differs in the genre, since MOON is a pop track (as far as I know) while HWAA is moombahton (house music + reggaeton) and HANN (Alone in Winter) is more of a ballad. But it continues the story line of the previous songs.

The message of the song is basically the main character hiding from something, or the main character wants something to be hidden. ‘Do not shine on me, oh moon’, ‘Do not come near me, oh moon’, ‘Turn off the moon light, please don’t let it shine’, they all tell the same message. I think at this point of the story the main character is trying their best not to open up to emotions, after the very devastating break up they just experienced.

I can’t really explain the music properly, but the way this song was composed is just... so good. I love how it sounds, I love the lyrics, I love the voices the (g)irls put on for this track (I can’t pinpoint it exactly but when you’ve been listening to an artist a lot you’d know how different their voices can sound). Soyeon did not participate much in this track, only at the very last seconds, but I think that further reinforces the message that the main character is hiding something, hiding from something, or wants something to be hidden.

This track is the 10/10 of this album. I would recommend this song to anyone anywhere that’s asking for a song recommendation.

#4: Where is love

I think most people would agree when I say that this fourth track is the dance track of this album. ‘Where is love’ is under the retro funk genre, and although that sounds like it doesn’t fit the story line, trust me it does.

The song starts out with a Soyeon verse. The main character seems to be thinking about the ex in the dark night (see? it all takes place at night), but instead of getting hurt by the memories they laugh it off. ‘The crumbled memories slowly become dull, I let go of you and find myself, the lost smiles are filled back again, I forget you and find myself’. This is definitely a road to self-love song, even though the title seem to be saying otherwise. I think the title talks about how a love so strong was able to just disappear without leaving a trace, thus ‘Where is love?’. At this point of the story line I think the main character has moved on enough to be able to look back and not be hurt by the past.

Soyeon’s rap verse on this track is probably one of my favorite Soyeon raps ever (the next track might be a contender). The music is great, and I think if the girls will perform this song on a live stage this would be a carefree-type of song. It has a ‘come on, let’s vibe!’ type of energy.

Overall, I would give this song a 9.3/10.

#5: LOST

This fifth track is written and composed by Yuqi, our best and most hard-working girl. LOST is under the RnB genre. It starts out with Soojin’s beautiful voice, followed by Yuqi’s captivating one.

This song is also very, very beautiful. It talks about having lost somebody dear to you. The first verse was hard to get at first, but after some thinking I think I know what it means. ‘Dazzling sunlight, will it get dark if I cover it with my hand? Will it be forgotten if I cover you in stained memories?’ I think this mostly means that if you pretend something didn’t happen, did it really not happen?

This is somewhat of a u-turn on the story line, because it seemed like the main character was already moving on in ‘Where is love’ but here it seems like they’re remembering the past again. It might just be a final goodbye to this chapter of their life.

Like I said earlier, Soyeon’s rap verse on this track is a contender for my all-time favorite Soyeon rap. The music here is also great, something you can jam to at any time of the day. Catchy, somewhat upbeat, the voices are beautiful as it always is.

I think my favorite part of this song, aside from Soyeon’s rap verse, is Minnie’s last verse. I just love her voice a lot.

Overall, I would give this song a 9.4/10.

#6: DAHLIA

Ah, DAHLIA, everyone’s baby. DAHLIA is another pop track, written and composed by Minnie (again, yes, my bias). This song is another contender for a 10/10 on this album. Almost everyone on my Twitter timeline was obsessed with this song when the audio snippet came out. Not only does it exude major sapphic vibes, it’s also super catchy and just... beautiful.

The song starts with Minnie’s breathy, angelic voice. From the start, by the lyrics alone you’d know this is a love song. ‘So beautiful, just looking at you with my own eyes makes me fall in love’, ‘I’m drunk on a flower called you, no matter what they say, I’ll choose to love you anyway’  Okay, can we talk about the sapphic undertones? Pink and purple dahlias are said to represent feminine beauty, and flowers in general are mostly associated with women and femininity. Add to that ‘No matter what they say, I’ll choose to love you anyway’? Gay. I know it. Gay.

Also, I don’t know why but to me Soyeon’s rap verse here reminds me of their song last year called ‘Oh my god’ (which is also pretty gay, ‘Oh my god, she took me to the sky, Oh my god, she showed me all the stars’?). Maybe it’s the fact that she says ‘I’m in love again’ and then towards the end she calls out to god again ‘I pray to God, I hope this flower will be beautiful forever’, which are two of the major key points of ‘Oh my god’.

Actually now that I remember it, Soyeon did an intro rap for their last ‘Oh my god’ performance last year in December, and if I remember correctly that rap included something like ‘I’m about to sin again, fall in love with her’ (yes, with the female pronouns). I think DAHLIA might be the song that that rap was referring to, if my intuition is correct that DAHLIA is about a woman.

Anyway, aside from the lyrics which I am absolutely obsessed about, the music is also really, really good. Very catchy, beautiful vocals, and that beat drop that I like during ‘My love is dahlia’. It has that same build up as ‘Oh my god’, fast approaching the chorus and then a sudden stop just before chorus, and then a beat drop with the chorus. It is easily addictive (honestly, all six songs are easily addictive).

Overall, I give this song a 9.8/10.

---

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my album review that is more like rambling and fangirling than anything. If you still haven’t listened to ‘I Burn’, please give it a listen! It’s beautiful, I swear.

[star-puff]

ღ a love letter, to me and to you.

truth be told, i said to myself that i wouldn’t get too sappy today. i was already doing a new years/milestone event, and i thought to myself, ‘this is good enough. at least i’m not doing nothing for the end of the year’ and i left it at that. that is, until now. i’ve already responded to a few mutuals that have mentioned me in their love letters, and it felt...a bit empty to just leave the year with half-hearted affirmations of the few. so here i am, not even 2 hours from when the ball drops, writing a love letter to me and to you (especially you).

to my followers:

where do i even start. there aren’t a lot of you, at least in comparison to other bigger blogs, but 400!! 400 of you saw my writing and made the conscious decision to join me in my shitposting adventure about 2D boys and the ocs that i somehow force into the role of ‘reader.’ i want to say thank you, but it seems a bit overdone at this point. because ‘thank you’ doesn’t even begin to express the gratitude i have for giving my writing a chance, for clicking on that ‘read more’ and unlocking a world i’ve created.

i’ve never been super confident about my writing, always questioning if what i’ve written, what i’ve bared my soul into creating was even good enough to be seen. frankly, i still have problems with that internal struggle, but having people say that they like it? that my writing made them feel emotions and took them some place other than where they were? i can’t even begin to describe how happy that made me, that i’ve done for others what others have done for me. if there’s anything i wanted to achieve with my creations, it’s making people feel. thank you for making it known that i’ve achieved that.

there wasn’t any obligation to read my stuff, to like it, to follow me, but you did anyway. hell, sometimes i wonder if i’m even deserving of it (but this isn’t the time for self-pity, so shush imposter syndrome! back away!!!!). but for doing all of the aforementioned i’m saying, due to my lack of words to express my emotions fully, thank you.

love,

meg <3

to my mutuals:

i! love all of you!! from the ones who i interact with regularly to the ones who are always sporadic, i love each and every one of you. thank you for being friends with me, thank you for allowing me the chance to be friends with you, i hope you know that if you’re my mutual i see your work & your vibes and i mean it when i say enjoy it and i want to see more.

(to the ones i haven’t seen for a while, i miss you a ton :( i hope you’re doing well, laughing the happiest laughs and eating the tastiest food and living your best life <3)

you’ve allowed me to feel a little less lonely during quarantine, talking to friends who are awake when i should be asleep, screaming about anime and manga that none of my irls are even remotely interested in, you’ve really provided me with a community where i feel comfortable sharing my opinions and thoughts, however random and weird they may be. i won’t be doing any direct letters, partially bc i think i’ve said all i need to say at one time or another, but when i say there are a few special, special people who are a part of my mutual circle, you know who you are. i love you so, so dearly, i hope you know how much you mean to me.

(if you don’t, i’m making a home in your inbox and nesting until you’re forced to call pest control to rid yourself of me. this is not a threat this is a promise >:( )

love,

meg <3

to me:

(to the me of last year)

hey you!! bitch!!!! who would have thought that you would’ve started a tumblr blog about writing fanfiction? when you couldn’t even go a month without writer’s block??? it’s wild, i know, but hey! life’s wild! go with the flow!

i want you to know that things get better :) you stop crying at random times at 2AM, you stop getting that random pang of loneliness when everything feels too far away from you, you stop feeling abandoned and like a dirty rag set in the sun to dry. you’ve made friends! you’ve become more social, you’ve formed a little circle of online friends, you’re a little stressed out because of college and senior year and a? global pandemic that your country doesn’t really take seriously?? and online classes but you can say that you’re happy now :) and sure, you miss some school friends, you miss going to class and talking to teachers but you made a very, very good new friend. someone you can tell pretty much everything to, someone who is on equal level as [redacted] and [redacted]. someone who has a rat dog that you’re not sure likes you or not but at least he follows you around sometimes and lets you pet him so maybe it’s okay! and even one of your online friends is someone you talk to almost every day, even though she ghosts you sometimes (if you see this, which you probably won’t...i l*ve you ok).

all i’m saying is, it gets better. you learn to love yourself and your creativity a little more than you do now. you get a funky lil mechanical keyboard to motivate you to write. you still have some issues you’re working out, but hey! this is only the meg of next year, not the meg of forever :)

be good to yourself, okay?

sincerely,

future you, 2020.

[bluubard]

just a little vent because im really, really tired, my anxiety’s been kicking my ass hard for the last few weeks, and i just feel on the end of my rope dealing with shit even though i literally said i was doing fine in therapy today (spoiler: im not fine)

i feel like i need to preface myself. let it be known. i do not hate my friends. in fact, i care for them quite a bit. i care about their wellbeing, their happiness and health. i enjoy their friendship, and presence, and spending time with them. what i do hate is pity, myself, and the fact that trauma has made my brain so fucked like this to begin with.

so, long story short, its sad boi times, i’m super fuckin’ lonely and isolated, and the grand idea that i’m always gonna be that way - that i’ll never have a partner or a best friend i can just... lean on, bar nothing, nor a happy fulfilling life really rears its ugly head and hurts like a motherfucker sometimes. nothing new.

a long story long...

so i’m a pretty fucking depressing person in general, right? i’m not pleasant and i know it. i bitch a lot, i’m salty, i’m absolutely not the nicest, and a lot of the time i come off a lot meaner and more bitter than i’d like. i don’t mean to. i try to be positive or to look out for others, y’know? at the end of the day, i’m just like every other person. i just want to be liked. to be wanted. to belong.

most of the time... i never feel that way. and like, y’know? its nobody’s fault, really. i know it’s past abandonment and abuse that makes my brain think everyone actually hates me. but sometimes that feeling is founded, which is i suppose how my brain gets away with still feeling like that to begin with.

i’m forgettable. i’m nobody’s best friend, i don’t think i’m lovable - not likeable either, really - nor partner material though i wish i was, and im so sick of being so fucking lonely all the time. i don’t even think my friends consider me friends generally. i’m not really anyone’s friend, yeah? i’m an acquaintance they have to put up with and tolerate when i inflict myself on them.

you know those memes, that are like always making fun of the weakling, the friend who walks behind everyone or who gets picked last in the group (if they’re included at all), that friend who’s never invited to things, or gets pitied? that’s me.

or debatably worse, means so little that if i just disappeared, it wouldn’t matter even a mote. that one really stings. that one i know for a fact is true, and i don’t mean that in a guilt tripping way. just that it’s the way it is. it really kills me.

and like..... i don’t have any irl friends. i didn’t come from a great background anyway, but i attracted a lot of trouble and negativity and in my own pain i pushed away a lot of people and hid until i didn’t know how to be human anymore, and now i can’t, and im alone. there is literally nobody that would actively come check on me or drag me out of my house if i was feeling down. and i’ve tried. i really tried. it’s hard sometimes, to try. maybe being a narcissist or a serial abuser’s playtoy is the only thing i am good for. and this is even before covid, much less now where everyone’s isolated or else.

the people i can genuinely say i love with all my stupid little heart are all across the country and the world. even people i care about in the same state are hours and hours away across literal mountains. that’s all i’ve got. long distance internet friends. and i feel selfish and terrible because i want more and i hate it.

all of those friends have partners. and if they don’t have partners, they already have their best friends. their irl pals. their communities, and groups, and friend-families and companions and lives and just.... i don’t mean that badly. everyone is more than entitled to their life and happiness and i guess i just....

i wish i was part of that. for someone.

i don’t want to be an obligation to respond to, or just..... someone on the edges. the fringe friend. and with online friends i am, i absolutely am, worse than anything. im something to pity and tolerate when the real time is spent having fun with their actual friends and loved ones. i’m nothing to anybody. i know if i just walked away, just closed down discord, blog, wherever else and vanished, nobody would ... i dont know. they’d just shrug, go ‘eh, whatever’ and move on easy and simple. no worry. no concern. and that’s great for them, but i just... want someone to care on principle. its not the guilt trip of the action. it’s the idea of i wish someone would care if something happened to me.

i hate internet friends because i don’t want them to be internet friends. some of the amazing people i know i just wish i could see, whenever i wanted. that i could hang out with them, bring ice cream and bad movies when they’re sad, see and hear them laugh, and have fun, and care. i wish i could just have a big house and my friends could be housemates, or live in the same apartment block, or a fucking little cottagecore farm commune out in the woods where we can all live off the land and each other and grow crops and animals and just be happy. or just... something. something. but i know i’ll never be included in that. everyone else would go. be happy to see each other. just... without me, the ‘not really a friend’, the fucking acquaintance, the stupid, stupid naive little idiot.

i’m so touch starved and sleep deprived and exhausted. my heart always hurts and i’m so full of anxiety and i just. just desperately, DESPERATELY need a hug, and just to be told “bluu, it’s gonna be okay, you matter to me and i care” but you can’t do that when it isn’t actually true. you just can’t. you can’t fake that.

i know nobody would go to bat for me. i’m alone in my own corner. if i have a breakdown, i have to have it alone and shoulder myself because nobody’s gonna be there at my side. i know i’m always gonna be watching from the sidelines, as everyone else is happy, and doing their thing, and has their family and loved ones and i...... shouldn’t even fucking exist.

and i dont want pity. i dont want platitudes or ‘i’m sorry’ or guilt, or ‘i would but...’ or any of that shit. nobody’s supposed to feel bad over this. i’m not in the business of toxic guilting, and im not in the business of fake friendships. that would defeat the purpose of literally anything.

i just...... really wished i had someone who would hold me up and (platonically or romantically. anything.) go “this one! This is the one I want to keep around for as long as possible, please. i want this one.” 

and no matter how hard i wish and pray, that’s just something i’ll never have, and i know it.

[pandatowrites]

84 with the ereri babes pls!

84. “You look different.” - EreRi

Eren couldn’t think of another position to sit in, as the other bar guests’ stares were making him feel extremely uncomfortable while they pierced his back. His date was supposed to be sitting at his table, he should have walked through the entry door an hour ago. But Eren received neither a message nor a phone call. Graham B could go fuck himself if he dared to ghost him.

Mikasa was right, online dating was an excuse for assholes to sexually harass or emotionally hurt others. The victims were those who looked for love, those who were desperate, those who were lonely. Catfishs and fuckboys waiting for humans to swipe right; humans, who hope to be hit by Cupid’s blind love arrows.

What a joke, honestly.

Eren pulled out the phone from his pockets, trying to ignore the headache caused by the absurdly loud music. He liked Michael Jackson, but Smooth Criminal was playing for the 4th time since he sat down. Additionally, this was a bar, not a disco for teens. He had grown out of the age in which one could dance in crop tops.When he relived his highschool years, the brunet man could not suppress a snort.

It took mere seconds until he had opened Linder - the L stands for Love - and chose to open the private chat.

Graham B: ure so cute, can’t wait 2 c those cheeks blush irl               5:34PM

You: i haven’t blushed in a long time, so i hope you feel blessed         5:38PM

You: you sweet talker                                                                            5:38PM

Graham B: gentleman in the streets, daddy in the sheets                    6:02PM

You: omfg                                                                                              6:05PM

Eren was a fool in love. He should have seen all the red flags.

He dared to take a look on his watch.8:40PM.It was time to leave, he thought. Waiting for more than one and a half hours, ts.

Graham B was worth neither his time nor his undying affection. It was time to move on. He was used to it, to be honest.

Eren pushed his phone back into his pants’ pocket, sighed and squirmed to sit up straight.

It wasn’t that he was angry - no, not all, nooo - but he could have done some work at home instead of wasting money on two cokes. He could have studied for college, or watched a movie with his friends, instead of sitting in a bar with an irritating, dark light situation, in the corner where nobody would have interrupted their flirting. But no, he decided to put his trust into another son of a bitch.

Just when he stood up and turned around to grab the jacket he had swung around the back rest, the chair on the other side of the table was shoved back a few inches with a medium loud creak.

Eren gripped his jacket in anger that his date decided to participate in their date 102 minutes late. “What’s your excuse to show up this late?”

There was a pause, as if the man he had awaited didn’t know what he was supposed to say.

So, Eren turned around to stare at the bastard who was not better than any of the previous guys.

But… this man did not look like Graham B at all. His hair was black and silky, not blonde and wavy. An undercut replaced the messy ponytail, and instead of sun-kissed and freckled skin, the man wore a light skin tone, as white and flawless as porcelain. His eyes were iceblue, strong and deep, while also strangely scary and yet tempting. Just like his lips; they appeared also incredibly kissable with snake bites decorating them.

“You look different.” Eren’s voice had expressed his confusion, if not his gaze was enough.

“’M not looking like your Prince Charming, babe?”, the guy asked with an amused undertone painting his deep voice. “Is it the tattoo?” He slurred his question, definitely drunk.

What tattoo? Oh, that tattoo. The dagger on his collarbone.

And suddenly, it clicked. This wasn’t Graham B, this stranger was trying to hit on him.

If it had been any other night, he would have probably ignored the drunk - and short - man, but since his Linder date was cancelled, Eren thought, ‘Might as well.’

Moreover, this stranger had him hypnotized the second his eyes captured his whole appearance.

“Are you deaf?”“No, sorry. I just waited for my da-… Nevermind. You can sit down, you know?”

“Shit, really? I can sit down, what a blessing.” The man sat down, their intense eye-contact never breaking. “What’s your name?”

The brunet man planted himself back onto his seat again. “Actually, it’s Eren, not babe, like you called me.”“Well, you seemed to be searching for someone who would call you his ‘babe’. Since I am a little bit drunk right now, I could not resist. Had to talk to guy with the sad puppy face.”

Eren’s cheeks changed color to a deep crimson and decided to ignore everything he just heard, before he questioned, “What’s your name?”

“Levi”, the man responded and relaxed in his seat. “Red suits you. Fuck, you’re gorgeous.” Then, he made a pause to shake his head. “Whoever it was that flaked you out is a goddamn idiot.”

He felt like a warning light, because Eren’s cheeks were glowing red.

This Levi-guy continued to stare at him, his eyes weren’t empty, actually quite the opposite. And he was most certainly drunk, the words he spoke revealed it.

It made him feel like this popular painting, worth millions of dollars. Lona Misa? Lonely Misa? Something along those words. He didn’t have a thing for art.

He didn’t know what it was, but Eren felt drawn to Levi.

Maybe he should not give up. What if this raven-haired man was the reason Graham B did not show up?

“He must be an idiot for giving another man the opportunity to charm me, for sure. Because it’s totally working”, the brunet man said with a shy, yet perky smile, and added, “Levi.” The name rolled off his tongue. He could get used to it.

And Levi did notice it, too. “I guess I’m gonna grab us both a coke or two. The evening is young. Plenty of time to convince you to go on a date with me.”There should not be much convincing needed, Eren thought with a mental grin.

[scummy-writes]

Stupid and Sappy post

*waves hands* It’s time for Scum to say bye to MM under the cut! (This is very stupid jhfbjhf)

I can already feel people rolling their eyes at me for this, especially folks who keep like, vague tweeting me and shit over my opinions about this game, but guess what bitch is gonna write this anyway! Me! sfbjhdf

(This post is going to be incoherent at places, like as I am as a person, but also! I talk about heavy subjects like suic*de, so if that gets to you, please don’t read!)

To start it off seriously: even though recently I’ve had a lot of issues over this company with their lack of warning over heavy triggering content, and their very blatantly bad customer service, I still love the original game a lot. Not in the “Oh this plot is beautiful” way, but like. This game helped me at a time when I was extremely lonely, and was dealing with a lot of heavy shit at home.

If you guys have followed me since the beginning, you know know I started this blog just a few months after downloading this game. Like riiight at the beginning of Jan 2017, I made my first post on here- this blog is two years old! I started out as a HC blog and stayed that way for a while, and I think after I hit 1k followers I finally brought up the fact that I had an AO3 account- and folks realized I had started writing fics in oct 2016 for this game! So, a lot of people know that, wow! This game inspired me a lot creatively and helped me hone my writing skills a bit more after a while not being in a writing class! (And yes, my early fics I absolutely refuse to look at because I hate how I used to write JHBJSBFS).

What a lot of folks don’t know, is that at the very beginning of august, I had gotten out of a ward after coming very close to doing something pretty bad to myself. 

Granted, I didn’t have to stay in there long- I had put myself in there so I could also leave whenever I wanted (as long as the docs deemed me safe to leave as well) but I kept myself in there for a good bit so I could do a lot of critical thinking and not stress so much about my job at the time.

Afterwards, I got out, while I wasn’t still at That Point, I was still struggling pretty bad mentally. Home life was rough, my mom was battling with a terrible boyfriend at the time that lived with us, and I was still dipping back into some pretty bad thoughts.

Then, a friend I’ve had for a while now, introduced me to this game! And, well, I already covered that it helped me a lot in the creative process, but it also helped distract me a shitton from the bad home life I had.

A lot of people probably also remember that a month after having this blog up and running, my mom tried killing herself.

Everything is still really vivid in my memory about that- because like. So many things could have gone wrong. My little brother could have fallen asleep earlier before he found her, I could have picked up that extra hour for my shift at work, this, that- but long story short she’s still alive.

But it was a terrible year for me. Probably, arguably, all of 2017 was the worst year I’ve had in my life so far. So many things happened with my mother, she was mentally unstable, and after a lot of threats against me I even had to move out until she was more stable and, you know, not threatening to hurt me/break my shit.

And, a lot of you know, while I was constantly dealing with my own mother threatening me and trying to disown me, I was also being harassed on a constant basis over juz*n bullshit. Words cannot describe how laughably stupid that whole situation was, but it was completely, utterly, ridiculous bullshit. 

Add that onto me dealing with the IRL struggles with my mom, some of which are somewhat starting to repeat even now- to the point where I’m going to be moving out again soon- well. Shit! It sucked, lol. It sucked a lot, and there were many times where I wish I was back in the hospital or worse.

But, and yes I’m gonna say exactly what yall are expecting, again- this game helped me out a lot. I constantly felt alone and worthless- my own mother was abandoning me- and these voiced sprites made me feel less alone. Gave me the attention I wish I had IRL.

And, well, a lot of my 2017 year is easy to summarize. Constantly harassed, bullied, and dealing with stupid fandom wank. But, also, filled with wonderful messages and support from you guys. 

I’ve preached before how follower counts are ridiculous to base your self worth on- and yes I still agree to that, please don’t base your self worth on follower counts. Or anyone’s! - but some of you have literally followed me since the beginning, or for a Very Long Time, if not. I may be terrible with names, but I still recognize you guys and all the kind words you’ve sent me, and I hope you guys know you helped just as much as MM was helping me.

I’m getting incoherent, but a lot of what I’m trying to say is that, this game has helped me out a shitton. That’s probably why I get so vocal about issues concerning the company- not out of a sense of ‘they owe me’ (they owe me absolutely fucking nothing), but just. It sucks seeing a game that used to be so wonderful in its prime, go so fucking downhill so fast. Customer service used to be wonderful, I remember accidentally putting down my old address for the VIP package and messaging them right after I ordered explaining I needed a change of address, and a Live Person getting back to me within the hour and fixing the issue.

Comparing that with, you know, the Four Fucking Months it took to speak to Someone Successfully about the saeran daki bullshit- then you know...Well, yeah you guys know, I’ve went off about it before.

Now it’s apparent that they’re more money hungry, with how you had to pay 900+ hgs with the recent AE stuff with V, and...hoo boy, I’m sure everyones heard enough at this point.

So, backtracking a bit because I’m chugging coffee and all incoherent, this game has brought in a lot of positives in my life. You guys, healthier distractions than what I used to do to myself, friends, creative outlets being brought back to life again. I think thats why I get so upset at the fandom, at people snapping at me for not liking some of the recent things cheritz has done- people fucking vaguetweeting me, for fucks sake, and getting so personally angry at me over how I got upset at Cheritz. Like, I’m not shitting yall, I literally lost friendships  over my opinions on cheritz.

And it sucks! Not gonna lie, like it sucks because it’s so fucking stupid. But then you take a look into the fandom- with the ongoing and constant harassment over contributors in charity zines, constant harassment over people if they like a character you don’t or vice versa, the harassment against artists concerning repostings or, god forbid, them drawing a ship you dislike- and it’s just. 

How did a game, focusing on the message of how kindness and patience can help out in so many ways, create this rabid fucking fandom?

Even content creators fight against each other. I cannot explain the bullshit I’ve seen over people being mad that they’re not on someones personal “recommended blogs to follow!” lists, over people going out of their way to harass folks because they didn’t make it on a zine, over people trying to use a follow count over why they’re much better than so and so- It’s just...Bad. All of it.

And, well. Combine Cheritz rapidly making their own game worse, in ways we all have heard about me (or others) complain about, and this terrible fandom, I think that perfectly explains why I’m uninstalling and pretty much being done with the fandom once the other stuff I’m involved in finishes.

This game brought a lot of happiness for me, and even with my recent grievances with this game, it (laughably) hurts to uninstall it. I know its ridiculous, god trusT ME i know, but it still sucks saying goodbye to something I still love, but can’t stand being around anymore. At this point, the fandom feels like an abusive ex-friend/whatever and the game used to be what good the ex had left. And now that thats getting worse...orz

I’ll always treasure the doors this game opened up for me- how it allowed me to meet amazing people, some of which I can happily say are my friends, and how it helped me become creative again, how I’ve been able to be on zines to help charities, and how I’ve been blessed to hear my writing impact people in positives ways- but here’s my sappy goodbye while I try to scrapbook the positive memories and bury the negative ones in upcoming therapy session.

If you read this far- bless yoooooou I know I sound like the damn. Crazy image of the dude with papers pinned to the wall, but I hope I made some sort of sense. Thank you!

[kimseunghoney]

i was tagged by @theothercowan for the softest, possibly one of my favourite tags ever, so thank you so much 🌹✨ (its @eyesmi-les btw, i hope you don’t mind me doing it on my side blog since i literally made a blog dedicated to seunghun (and 10 other angels))

truth is, i know i’m going to struggle a lot with this, simply because although i feel emotions very intensely, i find it extremely difficult, even painful, to express them.. ig it’s easier for me to be my soft self with y’all on here bc it’s not face to face? idk.. also i’m not good with words but anyway, i really wanted to do this tag & i’ll try my best for hun bc he deserves all the love and appreciation 💛

who is your bias: kim seunghun (of silver boys) aka honey boy

what made you notice him: i don’t really know what exactly it was about him? but when silver boys appeared on skz, i was instantly drawn to him, despite initially anticipating to see yedam&rae. he just has this charm..? charisma..? and i’ve heard many people say the exact same thing about him, so i’m convinced he has something special. when he came in after yedam during ‘why so lonely’ .. yeahh, i still remember how i felt hearing him sing for the first time. he left the biggest impression so i’m completely clueless how i didn’t recognise him right away when ygtb intro vids began. anyway, i was waiting for all of silver boys since we now knew them, but i was most familiar with the mixnine trio, so i was positive they’ll probably remain my faves since I was already very attached to them. but when seunghun’s intro vid came in I just... gasped.. he did it again. and when he sang ‘you are my lady’ ..i nearly cried. i technically fell for him twice, so i couldn’t wait to find out more about him :)

what is your favourite thing about him: god i don’t know, i love this boy with everything i have? it was weird at first because it usually takes a while for me to pick my bias, but he was just like ‘no bitch, you mine,’ within like 5 seconds, and the more i saw of him, the more i loved him. he just kept proving he’s the sweetest, most caring, loving and compassionate person & friend. his strength and perseverance are untouchable, he is goofy, a meme, a clown, clingy and annoying, reliable, a sunshine, i just love everything about him. he’s tall, has the most beautiful smile, lips, hands, neck... the way he started training to fulfil his mum’s dream of becoming an idol when she was younger although that’s not what he originally wanted? they way he chose to sing ‘d half moon’ when he knew ‘beautiful’ was his song, just so he doesn’t go against junkyu? the way he loves and appreciates honeys and mates?? he’s so wholesome i cry

who would initiate skinship more: definitely not me akskjsks i’m shy before i get to know someone but also have y’all seen him with the boys? with keita?? ohmygod. 

who would hog the blankets more: me! although i can’t stand the heat i am still a blanket hog

who would be more clingy: he would, i mean i’m generally not clingy? idk how clingy he would be, but he is needy and annoying lmao i love him so!much!

who would say i love you first: i say this all the time to him on here but irl... no no no not me. shit like this scares me. i would most probably avoid saying it so..it’d be him

who would be more easily flustered: i get flustered over the smallest things he does so me!

what cuddling position would you two have: basic af but me laying my head on his chest? or his on mine? omg..

which colour reminds you of them? yellow hues, orange/brown hues. also maddi pointed out that neutrals suit him so much and that is SO TRUE

which season would you like to spend with them: EVERY SEASON. i wanna go on cute little trips with him during spring, when the weather is just perfect. go on walks while eating lots of ice cream in summer, camping in autumn before it gets too cold but it’s also not too hot? playing in the snow together in winter, enjoying festive food, wearing big fluffy jackets..i wanna do everything with him ajsjsjdkks i’m cringing so hard i can't believe i'm being this soft&basic jsjdjhhfghif

who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter: we would both eat the batter before we manage the bake the cookies? but i love cookies so i would probably be the one trying to bake them

i’m tagging: @moonxlika @byounggonsgf @doyeongs @seunghunn @byoungggon @hyunsukmyass @yeetdam (and anybody who wants to do this just say i tagged you bc this is amazing & you should all do it) 💛

[starwriterulia]

Reviewing Brea's Stuff - BTS Soulmate AU (1/2)

PART 1/2 (Taehyung, Jungkook, Jimin)

HI! \(OwO)/

I want to draw ya'll's attention to one of my friends: @jimin-jungshook-over-literalbae. She's a k-pop reaction/scenario/text writer, and not only have I missed her as a friend so much during my long hiatus, I've also missed her writing. Thankfully, there's a lot for me to catch up on! She asked me to give my opinions on her BTS AUs, and with her permission, I've turned my reviews it into a bit of advertising! If you wanna read the stuff I did, ya'll don't have to scroll super far to find it all. I'll be reviewing each AU from a Reader's Standing (silly, sometimes improper sentences; sO MUCH swearing; caps lock) and from a Critic's Standing (second reading; at least one paragraph). Let's get into this! >o<

—Faith

Written in Order of Whichever Came up First While Scrolling

Taehyung AU (Reader's Standing):

Man, I can't relate with being abandoned at a club 'cause I don't drink, and there's no club in my town, but I love how Y/N is essentially abandoned, ha ha ha! Also, poor Y/N, the only person among their friends who hasn't found a soulmate yet and feels so damn lonely about it. :'(

'...soft masculine voice'—bless you, Brea, for describing this scum as feminine.

'It makes you want to scoff, honestly'—All right then, this Y/N is a bit of a bitch, when it comes to meeting strangers in a club. I like Y/N, already. :D

'...back hitting a wall'—Aw yeah, good going, Y/N. Cornering yourself, good shit.

Strong Tae is hot, like that whole wrist grabbing sequence, ooh.

'Excuse me, sir'—My inner Englishwoman accent has been summoned.

Bitter chocolate on Y/N's tongue?? Where did this come from, hm... HM... hm.

Oh wait this is the soulmate bit. NEATO, I LOVE CHOCOLATE!! Milk is cool too, I mean, I'm vegetarian. If you bring meat into any of these AUs I will riOT.

Internal screaming holy shit it's the gang they're here hi Jimin my baby TwT

Yas to fun dancing with the puppy that is Taehyung

'Your back is pressed against his chest and his hands rest on your hips'—AERUNAWERAWENURAWO cute yes thank you

More chocolate taste, mm, yes. *w*

Holding hands on way to friends = classic, love it.

scREAMING HE CALLED Y/N HIS SOULMATE YES BLESS THIS AU I mean I don't usually read them, but my friendo-burritos are special occasions, OK??

Physical manifestation?? All right, sure. I'm so confused about this because, as I just said, I don't read soulmate AUs.

Love how the flavour of chocolate changes, it's kind of romantic.

*Sees typo at second last paragraph for 'had' instead of 'hand' and holds breath* Save it, Grammar-Nazi alter-ego, it's just a typo.

Super cute paragraph though awoureraelr

'As though he's meant to stay there forever'—Is just too cute, oml.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THAT LAST PARAGRAPH AND THE LAST LINE OF Y/N MY HEEEEEEEEEEART GOD DAMN SO CUTE UUUUUUUUUUGH

It's over? ;w; It's over...

Taehyung AU (Critic's Standing):

I'll say this here so I don't have to repeat myself, but I don't tend to read Soulmate AUs because I honestly think they're a very basic and beginner's way to write fan fiction. But they're also a great way to practice, so no, I don't hate them, I just don't tend to read them. As you know, I've made an exception for my friend. The first paragraph set the atmosphere very well, and easily stated how Y/N was feeling about not having found their soulmate, yet, and how they're just forced to watch their friends, who already have. The creep insertion, while a common trope, was well executed—I especially approve of how Brea described the wrist grabbing and the little struggle Y/N had.

And then there's Taehyung to the rescue, and for a moment I forgot I was reading a soulmate AU, I was confused about why Y/N tasted chocolate for second. Like the subtle inclusion of Jungkook, Jimin and the other guys, and the dancing section where the taste of chocolate changes according to Taehyung's emotions was really neat. I also loved how Taehyung took Y/N home, and their little kissing moment was the cutest. Not the mention the killer one-liner Y/N delivered, at the end. This was a brief AU, but that's often a good idea, for these kinds of scenarios. If I could improve one thing about this, I would have done... nothing. I seriously can't find anything that I would change, in this. Great job, Brea!

Jungkook AU (Reader's Standing):

Ooh, a Big Bang concert!

OOH, bells to signal soulmate status, that's really cool! Also, cute stumble is best stumble.

'bunny teeth'—Yes, Jungkook is a bunny in disguise, I knew it. *w*

YouTuber Jungkook is a concept I would sell my soul to Satan to see IRL

Ey yo, Seungri! \(>w<)/ Feels like a real concert, lol

Oh boy, whispering...

Awwww group waving to Jungkook's camera, how nice. ;w;

OH BOY JUNGKOOK IS ESCORTED

Oml Jungkook must have been so embarrassed, standing on stage like that, as a mega-fan. Lucky dude.

Never mind, boy was hyped as hecc

Happy Jungkook is best Jungkook, that was so cute to read.

Ye boys and girls, let's go with Jungkook and see what happens next oml this is too cute aaa

iS THIS THE SAME BAR AS THE TAEHYUNG AU?!

Hi Jimin I love you ;w;

Riot for Jimin? Yes, very possible.

beLL RUNG AGAIN GOOD LORD

I approve of Y/N's choice of Daesung as their favourite member

Thank you Jimin for approving of Y/N's choice

Jungkook shooing because he's secretly a possessive puppy, cute

bELLS AGAIN

'pretty damning evidence'—This is suddenly a detective AU? Nice.

'princess'—Aaand now I'm trying not to squeal.

Good choice of bar over apartment there, Jungkook.

Clasped fingers are cute, yes, thank you

More bells, aaaaa

Soft kiss ;w; Ow my heart

Evolving bells? YES.

Seriously this was really cute, I loved it. I love everything Brea writes, tbh.

Maybe that's just a friendship thing, idk.

Jungkook AU (Critic's Standing):

When the story began at a Big Bang concert, I immediately started to recall every bop they ever made, and it made me so nostalgic and happy. Really nice concert vibe, felt pretty alive, for being described in one paragraph. The first occurrence of the bells stole my heart, I'm a winter fanatic and bells are such an iconic symbol of that season, so I really enjoyed finding out that the little soulmate signal for this AU was bells. Not to mention the little confused looks that Y/N and Jungkook gave to their surroundings before introducing themselves with yelling (because concert, makes total sense) was really nice. I also loved how Jungkook was a YouTuber, that's totally something he could be, if his life went a different direction.

Seungri noticed Jungkook, told the guys about him, and they all gave Jungkook's camera some love was neat, too. They got him onto the stage and Jungkook fulfilled his mega-fan dream of performing with the big boys, that was ultra sweet of them (and Brea, I guess). And the excited Jungkook after he returned to Y/N was so easy to picture, it was great. As I said in the Reader's Standing, is this the same bar Y/N in the Taehyung AU was taken to? It was nice to see Jimin again though, hee hee, and I really liked how Jimin and Jungkook talked about why Jimin wasn't with Taehyung—the struggles of being a famous idol, right?

Jungkook shooing away Jimin was also cute, and how Brea mentioned that Jungkook and Y/N just sat with a couple drinks and talked with a little buzz was nice. Jungkook's explanation of how he and Y/N are soulmates was a nice touch, I really can't get enough of picturing how those bells sound. Small kiss from Y/N to Jungkook was super sweet, and yes, YES, I would love it if those bells evolved into like, an entire little melody, ah. This one was somehow very relaxing to read, I enjoyed it.

Jungkook isn't even my bias wrecker and I want to punch him with a pillow for being so cute in this AU, dammit.

Jimin AU (Reader's Standing):

For some reason the picture of Jimin wouldn't load and I'm immediately a little sad because I don't get to see his pink hair and those amazingly adorable cheeks of his. Not to mention his gorgeous eyes and just AERNUOEWATO Jimin is great. ;w;

Y/N is legit me, but I'm reading hentai manga instead of an 'actual book'. Just kidding, I'd be reading Piers Anthony.

Cool cafe, would definitely go there.

But reading sometimes stresses me out, so... I just stick to Piers and other fantasy others who don't write about female leads, sorry, but I really fucking love men. >w<

Aw yes look at that, his pink hair is peeking through, I wish I could reach into this story and touch it, fuck

The Chim just keeps getting closer... and closer... God that's cute, it's so like him, I love that.

'marches his way right over to you'—AEUROOAEUNCOWEASNLU thank you Brea, I'm dying a little

Soft speaking is so cute, good Lord, bless this AU

I'm just excited to read this for a second time, I love Jimin so damn much, aaaa

Just reading with Jimin would be so nice, that one paragraph had such a quiet feeling to it, ah.

Oh no, he went back on tour </3

he'S BACK AND HE TAPPED Y/N'S HAND MY LORD

I would totally jump up and hug Jimin, sorry not sorry, that man needs so much love for being so cute and... A N D *heavy breathing*

Oh right Y/N does it anyway

Awww yes he hugs back ;w;

Ooh, familiar scent and a long hug, that's definitely romantic.

bOOK HANDING OVER INCEPTION. Thank you for that little nod, ah.

I would probably fit in his suitcase tbh I mean I'm 145cm and he's what, 165cm?? It would totally work out, guys.

fiNGERS ENTWINE SCREEEEEEE

Sneaky Jimin putting his number in Y/N's pocket. Wait he's also part of the pervert line, BREA ARE YOU SURE HE DIDN'T TAP Y/N'S ASS A LITTLE? Lol just kidding, but still, nice move, Jimin.

He smells like books, bless

NOT TO MENTION THE KISSES GOOD LORD

That note was so sweet holy shit

Good ending oh my God that was such a nice ending

Jimin AU (Critic's Standing):

How do I write a formal review, again? I loved the book cafe, that was such a natural place for this to happen. Y/N and Jimin meeting week after week, and Jimin inching closer and closer until he literally comes right up to Y/N and all I could think of was a fluffy puppy running, and it killed me. I really liked how Y/N and Jimin established a quiet relationship, that's like, friendship, and friendship is so nice. Then Jimin left and I felt a little empty with Y/N, and I'm just sitting here thinking about how easily you were able to make me relate to Y/N. He came back blond (I refuse to add the 'e' for a male; I'm Canadian, that's just how the French do things, nothing wrong with the more modern/American way >w<) and had to tap Y/N's hand to get their attention, and then there's that adorable hug that just warmed my heart.

Then there was a very well executed explanation of how Jimin knows he and Y/N are soulmates and how he slipped a note into their pocket when they hugged. And I'm completely serious when I say that I would love to just stuff myself into Jimin's suitcase, ha ha ha! The kisses were also a really nice touch, the note was very sweet, and again, Y/N's last say in this scenario as they gave in to temptation and texted Jimin was adorable. Jimin's explanation and the note really did it for me, heh. I enjoyed Jungkook's the most, out of these three, but this was also really relaxing to read.

OK, that's it, for the maknae line! Onto the hyung line. Thanks again for reading, everyone.

[idolsgf]

i was tagged by @stup1dbear to answer 85 questions and tag 20 people, thanks babe 💕

tagging: @astrobee @hobisol @kthsfatgf @kimtqe @kimlipsgf @lovjeon @starsmin @bunjunggukie @kutthi @gothaqua @heycupids @bitchsasuka @dreamyoongi @nebslo @vampykeith @artistictae @sftae @khlovbot @guavahobi @coconutjelly

(will put a read more once i get on my computer)

last

drink: a grande chai latte from starbucks lol

call: my dad

text: to my friend about the dangers of juggling knives at work

song you listened to: smoke by gia margaret

time you cried: earlier today when i burned my arm :)

have you ever

dated someone twice: nope

kissed someone and regretted it: nah

been cheated on: no

lost someone special: yep

been depressed: i have major depression baby

gotten drunk and thrown up: no, i’m not that kind of drunk

favorite colors

1. peachy sunsets

2. soft blue

3. warm beige

in the last year have you

made any new friends: yep!

fallen out of love: hmmm yeah, i would say so in a sense

laughed so hard you cried: i’m not a cry laugher

found out someone was talking about you: yep

met someone who changed you: umm i met them last year but something that happened changed me, does that count??

found out who your friends were: still figuring it out, but i did find out who wasn’t

kissed someone in your fb friends list: nah

general

how many ppl from ur fb friends do u know irl?: all of them except 2 or 3ppl

do you have any pets?: 2 cats!!

do you want to change your middle name?: nah, even if it’s common it flows well with the rest of my name

what did you do for your birthday last year?: i went to the nature & science museum, then hung out with a dog, then went out to dinner! it was fun

what time did you wake up today?: so i woke up twice. i was staying at a friend’s house and she was expecting an airbnber but they didn’t show up until like 2:30am after we all passed out!! my friend’s roommate who luckily showed up in time let her in but gosh darn. then i fell back asleep and woke up around 7am. i went to bed around 1am so not a whole lotta sleep lol

what were you doing were you doing last night at midnight?: watching queer eye, drinking with my friend, and helping her with a journal line idea she’s trying to make

what’s something you can’t wait for?: it’s gonna sound weird but for school to start again. school’s stressful and i hate how much money i’m putting into it but i love the routine and i miss the people i hang out with and meeting new people. and i’ll only be working 2 days a week during the semester so i’ll be away from that place for a good while!

what’re you listening to right now?: an album called there’s always glimmer by gia margaret

have you ever talked to a person named tom?: i know like 5 tom’s lol (all diff variations of course)

something that gets on your nerves: when ppl at my work complain about serving all the time but as soon as they get put in a diff position they don’t do their job!! it’s so annoying!!

most visited website: sadly this one

hair color: like a reddish brown. i’m redyeing it soon though

short hair or long hair: short on myself

do you have a crush on anyone: i did for a very long time but not anymore :/

what do you like about yourself?: i’m always willing to give advice or just be there if you need me

want any piercings?: nah, too many bad experiences with piercings

blood type: uhhhh i don’t even know akgcvskdls i should find that out

nicknames: my sister calls me bunny, my friend and i call each other okeo and mellon nin, and then my mom calls me mimi (although not so much anymore)

relationship status: lonely and single

zodiac sign: capricorn 🙃

pronouns: she/her

favorite show: avatar the last airbender will always be #1 in my heart

tattoos: i don’t have any rn but i’m planning on getting several (hopefully maybe before summer ends but that might be put on hold with this injury). i want the symbol from castle in the sky on the back of my neck, a kingdom hearts tattoo on my right shoulder (probably going to be my biggest one), two tattoos dedicated to jonghyun (one of them i want to get really soon), and then a few more

right or left handed: right

every had surgery: does getting wisdom teeth removed count as surgery??

piercings: not anymore

sports: when i was young i did a lot of sports but now i just watch baseball

vacation: i went to thailand back in march it was so much fun!

trainers: like the shoes??

more general

eating: nothing rn

drinking: again nothing rn

about to watch: hmmm haven’t decided yet

waiting for: my dream girl

get married: i never really thought about marriage much

career: i specialize in being a dumb bitch

which is better

hugs or kisses?: hugs

lips or eyes?: eyes

shorter or taller?: taller

younger or older?: older

nice arms or stomach?: like are we talking defined stomach or just a nice stomach?? because if so i love a nice chubby tummy

hookup or relationship?: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant?: the opposite of me which is troublemaker lolol

have you ever

kissed a stranger: no

drank hard liquor: yep

lost glasses: ....yeah

turned someone down: several times

had sex on the first date: nope

broken someone’s heart: probably

had your heart broken: in a sense

been arrested: no

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: mmmhm

do you believe in

yourself: working on it

miracles: little ones

love at first sight: yes

santa: no

kiss on the first date: depends

angels: girls are real aren’t they?

other

best friend’s name: jonathan

eye color: hmmm hazelish grayish blue green depends on the lighting

favorite movie: castle in the sky

favorite actor: hhhhh i don’t really have a fav anymore

[endgameexecutor]

So my wife, @crazygingerlady, wanted to see how much I’ve changed over the years. So here’s an ask meme I answered ages ago with updated answers. The old answers can be found here.

What was your:

Last drink: Cranberry lemonade, babey!

Last phone call: My wife. OvO

Last text message: (From my sister about a crab she caught): Could be a girl.

Last song you listened to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJAvPsSeXvg

Last time you cried: Bitch I wish I could cry. It would prolly help me get out all these bad emotions squatting in my body, not paying their dopamine rent.

EDIT: My wife informs me I was crying over how cute baby snakes were last night.

Have you ever:

Dated someone twice: Does dating my wife constantly count?

Been cheated on:

Kissed someone and regretted it: Only once, when I poked Jayde’s eye with my nose.

Lost someone special: I lost my grandmother when I was a child. I couldn’t even comprehend what was going on back then. It hit me like a truck a phew years later and I felt like shit when it did.

Been depressed: Been?

Been drunk and thrown up: Still don’t drink. Maybe if I had something blue and fruity...

In the past year have you:

Made a new friend: Lot’s of them in my college classes. Right now they’re on Discord shitposting about Seto Kaiba.

Fallen out of love: That’s an emotional roller coaster I plan to never ride again.

Laughed until you cried: Every time my wife says something funny. Unless it’s terrible terrible terrible.

Met someone who changed you: See: “My wife.”

Found out who your real friends are: I can trust no one in this filthy world but my cat, Arby.

Found out someone was talking about you: Are they? ...Are they saying nice things?

Kissed anyone on your Facebook list: Jayde were we Facebook friends before or after we kissed?

EDIT: She informs me it was before.

General:

How many people on your FB friends do you know irl?: I’m in a long distance relationship with my wife so that one’s a technicality. All my other IRL friends use Discord.

Do you have any pets?: Four cats. One with anxiety, one doesn’t like me, one’s a sweet angel, and one’s Arby.

Do you want to change your name?: Can I add titles like “Duke”?

What did you do for your last birthday?: Get a surprise visit from my wife who I proceeded to hug for a solid three minutes.

What time did you wake up today?: Nine-thirty. Or at least I’m hoping I woke up. I’ve got errands to run.

What were you doing at midnight last night?: Binging Criminal Minds way past bedtime.

Name something you CANNOT wait for: The fall of capitalism.

Last time you saw your mother: About a week ago. I’m the man of the house for now. Those plants you see outside? I watered them. Yeah, I’m a big deal.

What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself: Hi I’d like to return this depression with the executive dysfunction that came with it.

What are you listening to rn?: The dulcet tones of Jayde’s AC because I’m Skyping her while I write this.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: I was on the highschool math team with one but let me ask this; why Tom? Why is that such and important name to you? Are you looking for a Tom? Did he break your heart?

What’s getting on your nerves rn?: The loneliness that comes with being the only person in this house.

Nickname: My wife calls me Bingus.

Relationship status: In a long-distance relationship, with my wife, @crazygingerlady.

Zodiac sign:  ♉

Pronouns: He/him

Favourite tv show: I am fickle man, but right now the first two to come to mind are Criminal Minds and Star Vs.

High school: No thank you I ain’t reliving that. I think I was even more depressed and self-destructive back then.

College: Actually really enjoying my current degree in graphic design!

Hair colour: Still brown. Also why the “u��? Is this questionnaire some sort of data collection means for British spies? Or did I change it back then because I thought it made me look “cultured”?

It really just made me look like a twat.

Long or short: It was long and curly but then Jayde gave it a trim when I last saw her.

Height: Taller than you’ll ever be and that’s all that I need to say.

Do you have a crush on someone?: Golly gee whoever could it be?

What do you like about yourself?: Apparently I look real good in button-up flannel.

Tattoos: I have a plan to get “ARE YA NASTY” penned right on my cheeks before the year is out.

Righty or lefty: Righty.

First surgery: After a cursory check I have confirmed all my organs are in their proper places.

First piercing: One time I had this really bad splinter does that count?

First best friend: I think it was actually this kid who hit me in the face with a shovel. I don’t think we were friend for too long after that.

First sport you joined: Soccer when I was a kid. Went through a child league or something of the sort and stopped. I was not very good at it and am no better as an adult!

First vacation: Seattle as a kid, pity I can’t remember a lick of it on account of being baby.

First pair of trainers: I still have no idea what the fuck this means. Maybe the OP really was from the UK.

Rn:

Eating: Currently digesting a Taco Bell quesadilla.

Drinking: And a Strawberry Icee from the same place.

I’m about to: I’m not sure, I might go to France’s many vineyards and sample their finest wines. Or I might just finish up this questionnaire. I dunno.

Listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAbNynH35pw

Waiting for: My family to get home and also dreading it a little as well. Sure it was lonely, but it was also quiet.

Want kids: I already have baby names lined up.

Get married: Jayde’s grandparent’s have been looking at rings for us already.

Career: Remember when it seemed like I was going to be an accountant? Me either. Let’s keep going with graphic design like my wife was right about.

Which is better:

Lips or eyes?: If you’re asking what I like in a partner then I’ve gotta ask why exactly you’re making me choose!

Hugs or kisses?: Excuse me while I fucking embrace my wife.

Shorter or taller? I love my short, fat wife.

Older or younger? Older. My wife has a whole year on me! Grandma.

Romantic or spontaneous? I feel like there’s an overlap but I definitely need to plan more dates to surprise Jayde with...

Nose, stomach or nice arms? This still sounds serial-killer-ish but if I’m to set that aside, stomach.

Sensitive or loud? Bitch Jayde’s both. And I love it.

Hook up or relationship? I’m so happy with the one I’m in now. I ain’t ever gonna stop loving her. Bitch.

Troublemaker or hesitant? I dunno, I guess that would depend on trouble for who? Though given the bad ideas I suggest I’m really glad Jayde doesn’t do any of them.

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger? Only when I pretend not to know who Jayde is.

Drank hard liquor? I’m not sure how to put a funny spin this. Next!

Lost glasses or contacts? I can’t wear them lest they reduce the beauty of my stunning hazel eye-things.

Sex on first date? That one is gonna be a nada for good.

Broke someone’s heart? I have, I still feel fucking terrible about it.

Been arrested? Nope, my record is clean aside from those traffic tickets.

Turned someone down? Yup, I had to tell Arby he wouldn’t get more food because he’d already been fed.

Cried when someone died? Not immediately. I think the “losing a loved one” covers that pretty well.

Fallen for a friend? Story of Jayde and I’s relationship.

Do you believe:

In yourself? On good days, yeah I do. I also might be too confident in my graphic design skills though.

Miracles? Yes, his name is Sirius and he’s Jayde’s baby boy.

Love at first sight? With my wife, but at the time my dumb-ass didn’t realize it. I’m as dense as lead.

Heaven? I’m not sure how to answer that. I mean I won’t fight against it’s existence but I ain’t but all my chips on it either.

Santa Claus? That was explained to me years ago but like hell I’ll ruin it for my kids. How much do red suits cost?

Kiss at first date? I’m not sure so I just kiss Jayde a lot to cover my bases.

EDIT: Jayde says our first “real” date was at the aquarium, and we kissed a lot.

Angels?: Have you seen my wife?

Speaking of I hope this gives a better idea of how I’ve changed over the years. I love you sweetie<3

[leahdarkspear]

Update

Tomorrow I begin the three-day journey back to Big Sky Country. I will be happy to get home I guess. It's not really been the vacation I expected. Warning: venting/bitching/whining under the cut.

I have been looking forward to this vacation for a while. We had an incredibly long winter so I was depressed and tired, and I wanted to go somewhere warm and visit the beach. I'd also been feeling hella lonely; I don’t have any IRL friends (not good ones that I have things in common with and hang out with) so I was excited to see my family and in-laws. I love my MIL and SIL; we always have a lot of fun together, and my sister and I get along great. Plus, I was really looking forward to escaping the drudgery of housework for a little while. I’m a terrible housekeeper and no matter what I do it seems I can’t stay on top of things, so not having to deal with that is awesome in my book. I was just really hoping to have a little fun and relax and recharge my batteries...

Well, that didn’t really happen... The vacation could have gone better. The beach was nice, but boring because I only got to go once, and that day there really weren't any waves to speak of. That in and of itself wasn’t so bad, just mildly disappointing. I live in Montana and only get to go to the beach once a year, so I’d like it to be fun.

But when I went to my MIL’s, it was like she didn’t want me there at all. It all started with my dog, an English Mastiff. I’ve always wanted a mastiff, and last summer I finally got one. She’s really a sweet loving dog, so I brought her with me so everyone could meet her. My MIL has five dogs of her own, all large breeds, she loves dogs, and she’s never had a problem with any of my dogs before. However this time it was as if she was just waiting for my dog to fuck up. And of course because she’s a puppy and still learning, she did fuck up, so my MIL accused me of being a bad owner because “she doesn’t listen.” It just really hurt because even though she’s 134 pounds, she’s a puppy. I am training her, but she doesn’t have it all down yet. It’s not fair for my MIL to expect her to behave perfectly, especially when her own dogs don’t. She also bitched at both me and my SIL about being on our phones (which we really weren’t on them all that much, tbh). She insinuated to us both that we were bad parents and spoiled our kids by rushing out and buying them everything they ask for (which we absolutely don’t do). She also got mad about weird things, like how “nobody wanted dessert,” even though I and all four of her grand kids ate dessert. She did this kind of thing to the point where my SIL and I just huddled away from her and pondered together about why she was being so crabby. I didn’t even get to take my SIL out for a girls’ night like I normally would (which she so needs because she never gets a break from the kids, and which I need as well because I have no IRL friends to do this with). Meanwhile, all the stress from her being irritable caused my chronic stomach issues to flare up, which she also bitched at me for (I took a nap on the couch instead of spending time with the family). It was honestly bad enough that I’m not sure if I want to visit her at all next time I’m in town, which makes me sad, because we’ve never had the typical “evil in-law” relationship. We’ve always gotten along great before.

My visit with my sister was nice, though shorter than I would have liked. I guess that’s the problem with living so far away. I love where I live, but I can’t help feeling sad about it.

And then there's WoW/RP. Some days I almost feel like I want to quit. You know, I started my guild when the Azazis fell apart because I wanted us to all stay together. Every week I wrote out events for us to do. I researched troll lore and came up with treasures for us to find. I tried to create story arcs for us. From the end of October up until May, we had events. I had ideas, and now... nothing. I feel like I’m completely tapped out. I started having bad bouts of depression, and in my irritability, I fucked up and drove away some guildies. Good people who made things fun. And since then more people have left for various reasons. I’m down to only three of the original seven founding members, and two of those people hardly play anymore. I know things change and life goes on, but I feel like a failure. I just wanted to keep people together. Now I’m burnt out and I don’t feel like I have the energy to rebuild, even though I have good people trying to help, trying to get the guild more exposure, networking with other established guilds on the server, etc. I want this guild to succeed, I have fun running events and being with everyone, but I just feel so drained that I’m afraid I have nothing left to give. 

And I want to RP with friends, just have Leah sit and visit with people like she used to, but it seems like everyone’s too busy for me. And I hate feeling like I do about it because I’m normally so easy-going and flexible, but lately I’ve just wanted to be with friends and no one has time for me and I just feel so alone. I feel like I’ve somehow managed to make everyone hate me all at the same time and I don’t even know what I did. (And I know that’s just my stupid depressed brain talking, but I can’t shut it up.)

To top this all off, there’s a possibility that Leah may very well be single again in the near future. Right now I’m waiting to hear back from the guy who RP’s Leah’s mate. I’ve been dying to get some one on one RP in, and I’ve been begging him for months to make time for me, which he couldn’t because of IRL responsibilities, so even though it killed me, I sat and waited. Finally I asked him again, and he admitted that because of a combination of a lack of time and interest, he didn’t know if he could commit to being my partner anymore. This isn’t set in stone, I’m still waiting on a response, but if the last few months are any indication... well, I don’t have much hope. And I’m just heartbroken over this. Our characters are great together, and Leah is so in love... I wish I could tell him... I wish I could say how completely and utterly sad I am right now... How our story is my favorite thing about RP and how much I look forward to it and how happy it makes me, but y’all, I don’t want to guilt him into doing something if his heart’s not in it. Consent and mutual enjoyment are very important to me in RP, so I can’t force him to keep this up just for my sake, even if I would give almost anything if it meant it would continue. I’m also afraid that I’ll look desperate, like some obsessive freak getting all bent out of shape about some made-up characters in a video game. And all my more level-headed friends say, “he hasn’t made up his mind, there’s still a chance, don’t worry about it until it’s final,” but my mind doesn’t work that way, and so here I sit with tears in my eyes about a fake relationship.

It really doesn’t help that all of this is happening while I’m in the middle of a depressive episode. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I feel like no one cares, that they just tolerate me to be nice. I feel like if I disappeared no one would notice. Guys, I’m drowning. Every time I get a step ahead, something comes along and pushes me back, and I just keep getting farther and farther from the shore. I’m afraid that I might reach my breaking point soon, and even that makes me feel bad. My life is not terrible. I don’t have to struggle or worry about anything really, but I can’t even cope. What the fuck is wrong with me?

[defendglobe]

the past few days have been particularly brutal since my mom accidentally hit a nerve the other day

we watched love simon together and afterwards my mom was like seriously you should write a book like that but with lesbians and try and publish it bc the world needs more lgbtq rep that isn’t fetishistic or tragic.

writing is a huge fucking sore spot for me. there are about a thousand reasons why and all of them are petty as fuck. you know. my general lack of skill and giving a shit and my being a little bitch about even the most mild criticism (haha i literally stopped writing for like three years bc my 8th grade english teacher ripped me a new one and after that i was too ashamed to write anything) but the biggest one??

my mom is a writer. pretty much everyone who reads her shit goes off about how gifted she is and blah blah blah. i don’t wanna sound like i’m just bitter and jealous over her success because that’s not what the problem is. the problem is that everyone who fuckin knows her like. extends her ability to me if that makes sense. 

for as long as i can remember every time i do anything with writing or public speaking people comment how i take after my mom. “just what i expected from rebecca’s daughter!” or “you’re gonna be a writer someday just like your mom”. it’s exhausting. i love my mom but jesus christ she has some huge shoes to fill and i’ve got tiny little bitch feet. just sucks that people automatically assume that whatever shit i can do is because of whose pussy i got shot out of and not because i have any talent or ability of my own. 

i did a thing at church recently. i’ve pretty much stopped going because it’s too much but family friends wanted to do a pride month service and i felt that i needed to help. i really put myself out there tbh. i wrote the liturgy myself. me and the other two gay ppl in my (former) church basically told our stories. what it’s like being raised christian and being lgbtq. its the most open and honest ive been about shit irl and it rivalled one of my many oversharing posts on tumblr. 

afterwards a lot of people came up to me and said the same shit. “you’ve grown into such a smart young lady like your mom” and the like. my mom was actually kinda unnerved afterwards too because a lot of people came up and thanked her. even though it was well established during the service that it was all me and the other lgbtq people who did everything. 

my mom might be the cause of it all but she does know people do this and tries to fight back a bit. a couple people said shit to her like “wow you raised your daughter well” and she would say “she pretty much raised herself” lol. 

honestly i think that’s what this downwards spiral is about. i put my goddamn heart and soul right out there and people immediately pinned it all on my mom. it stings, ya know?  

“emma if writing is such an issue why the fuck are you an english major” there’s a difference between writing essays and studying literature and actually doing something entirely your own. analysis isn’t a problem for me. 

anyway. i’m just so tired of it all. i try so fucking hard to connect with people but it feels like i can never get there. like talking to people through a glass window. the thought that i’ll stay this isolated and lonely for the rest of my life terrifies me. i have to believe that things will get better but honestly i feel more and more hopeless by the day. how pathetic is it that i see my roommate got engaged and had a two hour breakdown because i wish so badly i could have something like that but knowing that with me the way i am it’s most likely not gonna happen. 

not a single day goes by where i don’t think about killing myself and cutting the humiliation short. i feel utterly unworthy of being alive. i’m so far behind everyone else. college dropout who can’t get a job to save her life and for no good reason. massively in debt, with no future and no fucking friends (you know what’s super humilating? your parents sitting you down at age 21 and telling you that you need to make friends looool). it’s utterly pathetic that i’m so lonely i overshare online because i dont have anyone irl who gives enough of a fuck to hear. 

i’m so fucking tired. i keep trying to believe things will get better and i can change but i’m so hopeless rn.

[murderouscrazygayyoutuber]

Valentine’s Day

So just a little about me, Valentine’s Day and why we don’t get along. AT ALL. To start I’m single, I have a “tendency to complain and bitch” about said problem, I also “force my problems onto others” and I would “make any person I’m in a relationship with feel depressed”. A friend conducted a 12+ person poll/survey that I did not ask him to do including asking my crush the questions, which consisted of:

“Would you rather date Majesty (yes my real name no questions pls) or John (insert for an irl friend’s name)?”

Their answer then prompted a follow-up question no matter who they chose, which was.

“What main reasons would you rather date John over Majesty?” (that’s what the question ended up being everytime)

This had me jus lookin at my phone and the dude for the next few days like

He just had to, apparently, he has no disregard for my emotions or how I feel about this. HE DIDN’T EVEN ASK ME FIRST. So I kinda get annoyed, cause the results are as follows from everyone except my crush

“I would rather date John cause he seems more approachable, fun, and he doesn’t put his problems on everybody. Majesty jus feels like he would get me depressed, he seems too desperate, and he complains too much.”

Mind you I don’t even make my problems public unless they’re 

already public

a big deal that is going to affect a lot of people

or jus so crazy and stupid that I have to point it out verbally.

Mind you “John” has been involved in more drama, has more problems, and has come to me for comfort and solutions with his problems, hence forcing his problems onto me. I also project positivity as a direct message on and off campus, I seem desperate because I have all these feelings of love and affection that I want to give but no one seems reayd because I can give unconditional love and support where it’s due so long as reciprocation exists. Not to mention, I am apart of a group of maybe 15-34 people and I solve everyone’s problems when they’re stressed out, but I get stressed out too, who helps me with my problems...

If you guessed “no one” you are CORRECT!

I am apparently the only person who gives a fuck about the other people in a relationship or not in the previously mentioned group. Now, my issue lies where everyone else needs help with their problems but the moment one of mine is even spoken into conversation as if it exists their form of solution is FIX IT YOURSELF as if they don’t all have me solving their life dilemmas all the time. I have kind of gotten tired of it.

I’m off topic.

My crush’s response to the question stung, made me feel like shit, made me hate him, and made him look so much more cute imo all at once. He said “He is too annoying and I feel like he is always stalking me, and I don’t want to be with someone who is always depressed.”

That response stung because he always initiates a greeting even when I’m not even thinking about him yet somehow I’m annoying, it made me feel like shit because I never even got permission for this survey and I didn’t ask for the results, they were thrown at me in a fit of drunk rage, I hate him cause he said “I feel like he’s always stalking me”...

FIRST OF ALL IF I WERE STALKING YOU, YOU WOULDN’T KNOW ITS NOT LIKE I’M POPPING BY YOUR HOUSE TO GRAB A  RANDOM PAIR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR THAT I LIKED SEEING YOU WEAR CAUSE I DON’T FUCKIN DO THAT SHIT (no offense to people who do that I don’t, personally, cause it’s unhealthy but you do you). Second off, if anything you’re stalking me, you and your friends are always between 4-5 doors away from my last and next class in the direction I choose to walk in, we may have small classrooms but we have a huge campus, just fuckin meet up somewhere less awkward for both of us. Finally why he looked adorable, because I’ve seen him in snaps of friends that are in classes that he visits, on other friends’ snaps because he has their phone, and I jus so happen to have a class with him (total accident I swear) yet in all of those he only looks down and out when he’s around the teacher, like the thought of having to work is jus depressing, but when I’m in class or outside of class on friends’ snaps I am always playful and happy to be around people I’m close with because my depression lies at home. So it’s adorable because these things can all be flipped and said about and to him by me and many other people but I have not a single person that is consistent in all my classes, a few faces pop up repeatedly here and there but never more than 3 times.

My point being he sounds more like he’s describing himself from my perspective.

Now on to the main point why I hate Valentine’s Day especially this year’s, keep in mind everything you’ve read so far.

Ever since I was a child I never received not a single Valentine from anyone ever. I sent out grams to my friends, family, and people I liked for what is now 14 years of my life, I’m 16 years old. I’ve always hated the holiday but celebrated for those that I care about. I was recently told I am a “bitch”, and a lonely ass one at that, for hating the holiday. I especially hate the day after because it’s a sorry excuse for “making it up to single people” for being left out of such a shitty holiday. Now if I’ve hated the holiday since I knew it existed, I’ve been in relationships over said holiday, have only done something for people that I cared about, and don’t make a big deal about it until other people make it a big deal that it’s a thing: am I still a bitch for hating the holiday, am I still a salty asshole, do I just not have an affinity toward the holiday that everyone else does, do I just complain too much when I’m not in a relationship?

Why ask, because I just proved that people are assholes while proving that I can’t trust information to a specific person I know when he’s drunk, and that my friends don’t know how to treat me, respect my boundaries or emotions, and they have a clear lack/disregard for perspective and undertsanding of other people.. Am I wrong anywhere?

[sigurdjarlson]

Random facts about my various babies

Jeanette despite being one of the most visibly cheerful members of the gang has a sad backstory. She was one of the lucky ones who escaped Gnomeregan when it fell and made it to Ironforge. It’s where she met Thorhilde and she sorta latched onto her from there. Thorhilde acts like she’s the most annoying person in the world but adores her. They’re kinda in love but don’t know it yet shh

Gaillen bit Fae and that’s how she contracted the worgen curse. She’s never forgiven herself for it even if Fae sees the worgen curse as more of a blessing.

Fae is an angel but any other members of the gang will tell you they’ve never seen anything more terrifying than her fighting Arthas by Gaillen’s side. No ONE hurts her wife to be okay especially some princely frozen popsicle bitch boy

Saalina has the biggest soft spot for Anduin Wrynn. (Platonically for the record) and actually greatly admires him despite her being thousands of years older than him. She tries to model herself after him and not let her anger and grief get the best of her. The trip to Argus has been very rough on her. she’s also very protective of him seriously she will smite you if someone dares hurt a hair on Anduin’s head.

Laeona (The girls’ mama) raised Brightheart from birth when her mother abandoned her. She was a child herself and her parents figured it would be a good way to teach her responsibility. It worked. She bottle fed her and everything.and created a lifelong bond with not only Laeona but many, many years later..her children too.

It helped mold her Laeona into the kind, loving person she was. I mean you didn’t think her daughter’s habit of picking up strays came out of no where did you?

While Diily is amazing with a bow she sucks with a sword. She is quite good with a dagger however. Laeona taught her some basic skills and then later Erlaina helped her hone those skills. Just in case she’s ever caught off guard. She has quite a few daggers hidden in her armor courtesy of Erlaina. Hey, you never know what could happen-

Alaluria pretends she's not haunted by some of the things she's been ordered to do in Illidan's name. But she is. As much as she hates Akama and will torment the poor guy..she feels guilt over what happened with the Broken. 

Allueneth (their dad) had two dads. They adopted him from an orphanage. He displayed his magical powers at a young age and they would have taken him to the city to learn more if he was interested but he was much more interested in fishing in the lake honestly. He learned a bit of this and that during his lifetime by never really cared much about it. When Ladelia showed her affinity for magic he dedicated much more time to learning and honing those skills so he could properly teach his daughter. They learned a lot together honestly. Delia is much more interested in magic than he was though

I think I’ve talked about Laeona’s upbringing before. Her family was fairly wealthy, stuffy in the way noble elves tend to be. She wanted none of that life. That girl wanted ADVENTURE. She’d sneak out into the woods with Brightheart most of the time. 

They didn’t approve of Allueneth at all at first I mean *scoffs in nelf* he’s just some nobody who lives in the woods and fishes for a living...peasant. Giving to the needy and stuff is one thing. I mean they encourage that but taking one as your mate? *gasp* Laeona never cared and they eventually had no choice but to accept it and him because they didn’t want to lose her. But damn it the goofball grew on em a little eventually. He’s just too lovable to hate for long ;)

Both sets of grandparents adored their grandchildren. Honestly the girls probably have some aunts, uncles, cousins, etc but I haven’t got around to developing them. I’m already in so deep with Diily, Alaluria and Ladelia’s frickin..dead family

Laeona saved Allueneth’s from some bullies when they were kids and that’s how they met. He was starstruck by this little elf girl in her fancy dress and her nightsaber kicking some older night elves’ teeth in. Then she just looked at him and grinned. She was covered in dirt and had twigs and who knows what else in her hair but she was still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Smitten from the very start.

Allueneth would adore Khadgar. To a degree of course. No one is good enough for any of his girls. No matter how amazing they are! 

They would have totally had a few more kids if they lived. They loved being parents. Their girls were their entire world. (curse me for brutally killing them rip) They had a lot of love to give..but so do their girls too so :’) 

Alaluria has quite literally beaten people to death with gems before. Enemies of course. She's also thrown one or two at Illidan's head. Don't worry they just bounce off...he has a hard head.

Diily woke up in bed with several Valajar the morning after her huntmaster party. Hey she was single then so why the hell not.

Ladelia develops crushes on 98% of the ladies she meets. She's just a very gay lovable mage

Hiti was a really lonely girl. She never really had any friends. She’s just shy and very anxious and now she’s got a family of her own albeit a bit of a crazy misfit one<3 also this big cutie loves to cook. Seriously she loves to e a t and she’s always feeding her misfit family. Ladelia is the same way. Good thing they’re all bottomless pits. Hrolf and Lyall in particular. They’ll eat anything. A n y t h i n g

Speaking of the big boofs. Hrolf loves all body types but he’s got an extra soft (er..hard) spot for chubbiness. 

Hrolf had a crush on Ladelia but alas she doesn’t like men. He accepted her gentle rejection with grace and is now her wing-man.

Diily is very serious about using every part of her (animal) kills. I know I’ve talked about this on here before but it’s strangely sweet imo. But yeah. It’s disrespectful to just leave a kill. Respect the creature and the sacrifice it made you heathens. 

You know...bone into weaponry, furs/leathers into blankets/clothing/armor/etc, meat for food (for both the group and her pets), etc..I’m the furthest thing from a hunter irl so I don’t know what else you can do but im sure there’s a lot. She’s mainly a leather-worker but is quite good with other things too but If she can’t do something with some part she gives it to someone who can. 

(random: she has so many fur blankets. its impossible to be cold in her room.

Diily will let her cats eat you alive if you piss her off enough and oh...they will.if you upset their Diily 

(and just think some of them are significantly bigger than big mama Shiva here and with saber tooth tiger fangs)

Erlaina is a bit of a hoarder. She loves gold and she loves stuff. She’s the one most of the gang tosses their stuff over to when they want it sold or held onto and she’s more than happy to take it off her hands. Diily has to prod her a bit sometimes when her uh...collection gets too big and needs to be sold.

Hasn’t really been shown much in my fics yet but this really is like a  “found-family” kind of situation. They all really love each other dearly. Loyal as hell. It seems to just keep growing too

A family isn’t just two parents and some kids it can be...four night elves, four werewolves, a russian space goat, a gnome, a panda and a dwarf. ;) 

Referring to them as “the gang” makes me laugh because it reminds me of IASIP. 

you know im 90% sure I’ve talked about a lot of these before but /shrug I just like thinking and talking about them

[theproofinthisong]

fine line review

oh my goooood i just finished listening to the album and i NEED to express my thoughts:

golden: didn’t know what to expect with this one but it’s?? so beautiful?? harry was so right saying it was a driving song it makes you want to go to california and watch the sunset from the car?? also the sun theme is so poetic and beautiful the way he uses it to talk about louis, his beloved?? the melody is quite simple but it’s so effective and these little da da da sounds the choir make in the background...heavenly. this part reminds me of another song but i can’t remember which one. what i love about this one is that it’s first time i’ve listened the lyrics seemed a quite sad (but riddled with hope still) and now the second time the meaning changed totally?? like it’s witchcraft how much the meaning can change once you look at the lyrics closely?? i know harry was talking about adore you when speaking about that feeling of bliss when you first meet the love of your life and fall completely but this is also what golden is about?? like being afraid but diving deep into it knowing this is right. i’m emo. in terms of vocals, it isn’t as BOOM as in other songs (in the sense that he’s not belting, using falsetto or a very low intonation that differs from his usual tone) but i love it!!! it’s very calm and peaceful and dreamy.

watermelon sugar: miss watermelon sugar is still as iconic as the first day she came out. it’s such a wonderful tune. my impressions on this song will never change and i will listen to it for another 30 times round without even hesitating. it just feels very summery and sensual and sexy without being too explicit (even though there is nothing wrong with being super explicit...see medicine). the chorus is just super catchy. the lyrics are so nice and i love the melody. very old pop and i’m a slut for this genre. also i know this has been HUGELY talked about before but i need to say it again. the way he’s saying belly!! the softness of the breathe me in/breathe me out parts!! the last watermelon sugar i don’t know why i’m obsessed it JUST SLAPS

adore you: oh darling. a treasure. 8 days ago, first time i’ve heard it, it took me by surprise because i wasn’t expecting that sound...but six seconds in and i was SOLD and already cherishing her with all of my heart. this song is JUST PERFECT. it’s probably the song that is the closest to 1D mixed with HS1 in terms of sound, like it’s super modern but at the same time has these very old school vibes i’m in LOVE WITH?? this is such a sweet joyful sappy song about his soulmate and i :’) also the rainbow paradise line i haven’t recovered from  bitches. i will never. this is such a certain and blatant declaration of love i wanna die!! i feel acknowledged as a romantic bitch who lives for this kind of grand gestures. thanks harry. also during some parts he sounds like old harry (i mean harry from 1d days) and then 2019 harry takes over and it makes me CRY

lights up: the first single and song from the era will always a soft soft in my heart. i listened to the track so many fucking times the words are tattooed onto my brain. this song was just so needed and so important. it’s so deep and means everything to me really. all of us wanted a song from him about identity and self discovery and lights up was the gift he gave us. never in my life i would have have dreamed of this song and it happened for real. i’m just so grateful. his voice in this is just so soft and delicate and so fitting for the song like it DEMANDS that tenderness and sweetness. also the choir gives me chills, like when they scream SHINE i just feel overwhelmed it’s!!! fuck!! i could write an essay about lights up because this song is just it. it makes you feel seen and understood and i just feel so lucky harry was able to share something as intimate as this.

cherry: lmaoooo. this one will be a skipper sorry. it’s far from being a bad piece because harry’s voice is always amazing but i can’t get over the voicemail. when the news came out i was just so appealed and angry but know i’m just cackling?? i’m french and what is this slander?? THE COUCOU AT THE BEGINNING IS RIDICULOUS!! and the ending sounds so rehearsed there is literally nothing naturel about it. thank god we hear harry’s laugh in it. I JUST KNOW it was added because there is no way he would have laughed irl at one of her jokes lol. lyrically you can see some parts were put there to make an allusion to the stunt (the accent & friends part, the gallery...) but others are just about louis?? like him being jealous of course it’s about the hubby. his voice is still beautiful but the melody doesn’t speak to me (and i would have telled you if it was the case) being objective, it’s the weakest one out of the album.

falling: OH MY FUCKING GOOOOD. i wanna say it’s my favorite song but i feel like it would diminish the love i have for the others but god...this song is breathtaking and out of this world. in terms of lyrics it’s the best HANDS DOWN. like period. fuck this song just BROKE ME. all that ache and heartbreak you get what he’s talking about when he said to zane lowe he hit rock bottom then. fucking hell. it just hurts knowing he hated himself that much like i can’t even fathom it. and his voice bloody hell?? i never heard him sing like that!!! it’s just so desperate and full of hurt and the high notes? please annihilate me. when i heard it i would at first sight i would be my favorite out of fine line. it was just so obvious. that kind of magic doesn’t happen a lot...like. i can’t pinpoint what part hurts me the most because the whole song is TORTURTING ME. when we’ll hear live i will be bawling for the rest of my life. i’m already am. my god it’s just so raw and honest no other artist can make me feel like that. you are experiencing the hurt with him it’s??? i have no words. and please this song makes no fucking sense if you don’t link to his relationship to louis like?? the i’m well aware i write too many songs about you?? hello??? i’m glad he doesn’t feel like that anymore because it hurts. it’s crazy how this song can pull you back to ancient memories and you just forget about the world. oh my god.

to be so lonely: i almost fell out of my chair (or bed, rather) because this song did not fit at all what i was expecting but it’s?? gold??? i was so sure it was going to be a full angsty ballad but it’s so catchy and it has those beatles vibe? like PLEASE. king of defying expectations. it’s so english. and it’s so smart because when the melody and rythm makes you think it’s gonna be corny (in the best sense of the word) but it’s kinda passive agressive? AND ALSO THE SWEARING. DON’T, STYLES. UR MY SON. i’m kidding. him hearing him say arrogant son of a bitch is THE PINNACLE of my life. also am i the only one that feels like if you change the beat a little and accelerate it on don’t call me baby ever again it would sound a bit like never enough? loved the throwback nonetheless. it isn’t a favorite yet but it’s already growing on me.

she: bloody fucking hell. first this song is timeless. it feels like it came straight (gay!!!) from the seventies. i had eagles vibes first listen but some said pink floyd and it’s SO TRUE. there are tons of rock influences in it but it’s so harry and manages to still be super unique?? just incredible. the writing of the song is the smartest out of HS2. it reminds me of woman (not in the way i was expecting...i had one supposition it was going to be about being envious of a woman while dumb people are tricked by the title) so much not in melody or lyrics at all but in the sense that it has a double (triple...and more) meanings. once again stupid hets think it’s about singing about the ideal girl when really it’s...on another plane of existence. like jesus. bitch i was right!!! it’s either a song on gender identity (harry singing about his feminine side that he was ashamed of for so long and tried to hide) or the closet and my god, the whole thing is just so clever.  A MASTERMIND. and the switch from the third person to the third KEATS you’ve been beaten. what a writer. it has thousands of interpretations this is just a trip. holy shit. the whole song carries so much guilt and repression and wishing be free of those feelings it’s?? i’m speechless. it’s so complex and intense. and fuck the guitar solo outro IS HISTORIC. in decades it will be praised as a masterpiece by all. i just know it. mitch you’re a genius. it gives just so much resonance and impact to the piece and it already had everything... i’m in heaven. or in hell. don’t know.

sunflower vol 6; cutest and weirdest song on earth and it’s A FAVE. it’s so colorful and nothing like he ever did before i’m living for it. it’s SAPPY AS FUCK and we stan sunflower in this house. also the part where he’s singing about wanting to kiss his lover kinda sounds like a lullaby and an alphabet song mixed together it’s ADORABLE!!! it’s such a being young and in love track i’m giggling!! it’s so precious!!! very poppy and gives you joy for days!! also super summery!! i wanna dance and twirl to it!! AND THE ENDING IS SO FUCKING LEGENDARY. BIG HIGH ON CRACK ENERGY. BITCH. it’s so uncanny like is he imitating a bird? calling someone?? trying to sound 5? i don’t know but it’s endearing. just so lovely.

canyon moon: another one i was expecting to be slow and it wasn’t. very country. thanks kacey for the input!! also him putting “jenny” in that sound is he trying to be adopted by dixie chicks and dolly parton? I LOVE that he’s trying new things with this track like country is such a hard genre to tackle and he nailed it. AND OH MY GOD THE LYRICS. it makes so emotional he’s literally creating a safe place for him and his darling?? could you be more in love?? this song belongs to the gays. san junipero without the angsty feelings. we deserved that. also he really mentioned the two weeks rule i’m weak. THIS IS INFURIATING.

treat people with kindness: the group part just sounds like a sitcom from the 80s. i’m dying. he really did that. and he named it like that :’) ALSO A GAY ANTHEM I CAN’T WAIT TO SCREAM THOSE LYRICS. big end of the days vibe. it’s just so healing and reassuring. it’s so empowering and i love the contrast between the very catchy happy bits (the high notes and the part where he kinda talks at the end reminded so much of mika which is a huge compliment as far as i’m concerned!!!) and that part where he’s singing very slow and soft you can see it’s very personal with him gaining confidence thanks to us during hslot <3 i’m dying this is such an exceptional gesture to like dedicate this to your fans? it’s so universal while being about his own journey (just like home..i’m sobbing) and that is like the mark of great music. also the instrumental is godsent.

fine line: i can see why it’s his favorite and why it is ending the album and giving it its name. i said falling was my fave but honestly fine line might be it too? the only difference is that i didn’t fall in love instantly, it takes time to escalate (it’s very similar to sott in that sense) beginning softly and almost whispered (also the high tone?? i almost didn’t recognized harry but at the same time it’s just 100% percent him but HE NEVER SANG in THAT TONE i’m!!! my jaw is dropping all the way to mars) like you can see it BUILDING to something superior and never made before... it’s a moment, it’s an experience, it just suspends time. like when music can do that for you...it’s infinite stuck in a few minutes. the two last minutes are purely angelic and the most beautiful thing i’ve ever heard. it has very few lines and words but the one there are so meaningful. when the song ended i just stayed a bit in silence without moving i could not believed what i just witnessed. and the album ending with we’ll be alright...it’s so fucking special. and that word doesn’t even give it justice.

fucK. this album is just...i’m trying to find words but how can you. when you make an album as ambitious and as outstanding as HS1 it’s hard to go back to the studio and find a way to equate it (i’m not saying top it because both can’t even be compared...) but he somehow did it?? i had no doubt but holy shit it’s unreal. it’s crazy because fine line is so different from the first one while being as rock and pop but there is a level of maturity and vulnerability that feels just so? different?? i can’t seem to find the right expression but i’m am purely in awe. i dk how harry finds a way to exceed my expectations every time like... it’s?? i’m sorry i’m just so moved and... it just means everything. 

two years and a half after and the feeling is the same. an album changing me and my life at first listen and 48 minutes that felt like a lifetime and a second at the same time.