#and institutionalize me for the rest of my life

[psychoticwillgraham]

my sister: ‘yknow, you don’t deserve all of the stuff John’s (dad’s name) been buying you, because he’s just rewarding laziness. he just feels sorry for you and the current state you’re in. it’s not like he’s actually attempting to help you.’

me: ‘I sure don’t see you trying to help’

[turigirl]

i refuse to have another fucking breakdown . move it to tomorrow or thursday or SOMETHING

[orcboxer]

Sure there's zombies killing and eating people on the street but those people are not dying from the virus they're dying from comorbidities. For instance, that guy we saw getting eaten on the way into work today clearly died from blood loss, not infection, plus he already had a heart condition. People with preexisting conditions are just going to have to take care of themselves. Say it with me, "They're all already dead to me." See, that feels a lot better now doesn't it?

Good because you still have to go to work. No we're not paying you extra. Yes we're doubling grocery prices. No you don't qualify for disability. Or healthcare. Or a home.

Look, if you get bitten, you can stay home for one day, I guess 😒, but then you need to come in early. We're really short staffed at the moment, despite our company's profits being higher than ever. In fact we may be laying some of you off next month. You don't mind working off the clock right?

Also you look silly with that protective gear. We're gonna harass you for it, not like institutionally but just socially. Who cares if a zombie attacks you? Who cares if we invite them into the building? You don't need to defend yourself, you're just overreacting. If you get bitten just tell everyone the festering bite mark is from a different animal, that's what we all do.

And hey, don't worry so much. It's endemic, which means we don't have to keep track of how many people are dying from it anymore. Just look at those numbers! It's only killed 2,000 people in America this week! That's basically nobody! We're back to normal!

If everything starts tasting like rotting meat for the rest of your life, it's probably something else. If you experience brain fog or you forget things constantly or you're tired all the time after even minor physical activity, it's just because you're lazy. Yes every other virus you ever get will also be increasingly worse but that's just a coincidence. Those viruses just happen to be exponentially worse now.

Plus, those few weeks during the lockdown were terrible for my mental health. I just can't keep living like that, so we have to go back to normal life, which now involves people biting each other and twitching uncontrollably and rotting visibly.

You can't expect the world to wait for you. "Already dead to me," remember?

[exculis]

"Dont bottle things up, unless you're having the Wrong emotions, then if you tell anyone im legally obligated to do everything in my power to exacerbate your mental illnesses until you actually for real do it 💛"

Best part about suicidal ideation is that you have to keep that shit bottled up or someone is going to call the cops on you ✌

[lokisprettygirl]

Rain to his Fire (Modern! Daemon Targaryen x Female Reader) (Non Canon 80s Au) (18+)

Read chapter 9 here // Series Masterlist

Chapter 10

Summary: Misspoken words cause a rift between you and Daemon.

Warning: 18+, smut, crude language, description of Statutory rape, discussion of mental health (it's a fic based in a mental health facility), mention of child molestation, mention of physical assault, the fic would contain several mentions of several disorders like mpd, did etc, if something triggers you don't read, smoking,

Daemon's first instinct was to close the door in her face and then gaslight her tomorrow into thinking that she must have been hallucinating due to the lack of sex in her life since she was a nympho but the look on her face made him believe that the trick won't really work on her.

“Oh my god what are you?” She asked, slightly scared and yet intrigued. As she invited herself in, Daemon growled, closing the door behind him before anyone else would see him.

“I told you,” Daemon responded with a deep, inhuman voice, which was slightly different from his usual tone. As a half dragon, he was not accustomed to hearing himself speak in this form.

“But how?“ she asked as she made her way towards him. She reached out to touch his feathery wings, which draped around his back and ends of which dragged across the ground “It's impossible.”

“Apparently it's not..look if you go around telling other people about this I won't hesitate to kill you” He looked at her with an intense stare, warning her to not tell anyone about what she had seen.

“Mmmhm really? Is that a warning?” she responded, sarcasm evident in her tone so he let out a low growl.

“It's not a warning, it's a threat” he snarled at her.

“Wow you just became ten times hotter than you already were” she giggled as she stepped closer to him to study his features.

Daemon's appearance was intimidating, to say the least. His eyes glowed a deep shade of blood red with vivid green irises. He was covered in scales that ran from the sides of face to the rest of his body in elegant patterns. His hair was long and reached his waist, and his sharp fingernails resembled knives. His ears, like those of an elf, were elongated and most of all his wings were a stunning display of silver feathers on top with dark brown and black underneath, as if they were a masterpiece of nature itself.

Daemon was a sight to behold. A creature from myth and legend that wasn't supposed to exist but somehow he did.

“Why aren't you scared?” He asked as he crossed his arms and fluffed his feathers, a few were knocked loose and fell softly to the ground. His eyes were fixed intently on her, waiting for her answer.

“I just want to fuck you right now” she mumbled as she eyed him from head to toe, looking at him with a mixture of awe and disbelief. He reminded her of those mythical creatures she used to read about as a child and she couldn't deny that she was hooked to his otherworldly side.

****

The next morning you were on the way to the supplies room when you bumped into the librarian Corlys.

“Hey y/n..good morning” He told you so you gave him a small smile. You noticed that he was holding a book in his hands.

“Good morning..nice to see that you do get out of the library” he chuckled as you said that but then the look on his face became serious.

“The feather you showed me that day..did you find the species it belonged to?” He asked you so you shook your head almost immediately. You had found something but you couldn't really tell him for two different reasons, first one being that you didn't want to hurt Daemon and secondly, you didn't want to get institutionalized.

“I found this book and I think you should read it” he said as he passed you the book he had in his hands.

You grabbed the book that seemed really old and heavy, it was dusty as well as if it had been sitting on the shelves and hadn't been touched by anyone in ages.

“Creatures amongst us” you read the title of the book and looked up at him, he seemed nervous and kind of terrified.

“Turn to page 35” he told you so obliged.

“History of Draco sapiens” your breath was taken away at the sight of the photo illustration on the opposite page. In the painting, a man with sharp ears and long hair was depicted, and he had a pair of large, shimmering wings on his back. The feathers he possessed bore a striking semblance to the ones you had shown Corlys at the library

“Looks familiar?” he asked you so you chuckled nervously and nodded .

“But it's just mythology isn't it.. folklore” you said to him so sighed.

As you turned the page there was a drawing of a baby. The infant's skin appeared to have a slight sheen, similar to scales. Its eyes appeared darker, and its ears looked pointed and slightly elongated. The drawing was both unsettling and intriguing.

“It's just weird to me, we have this man in the center who claims to be a dragon and-” Corlys spoke but you interrupted him.

“It can't be real.. Daemon is just a man”

“How do you know that?”

“I don't..I just .it can't be real” you lied to him so he sighed. Nonetheless, you returned the book to Corlys with a grateful smile and wished him a good day.

You knew you had to inform Daemon about the book and perhaps he'd be able to find some answers in there. As you wheeled your cart inside his room, it was a complete mess, hair and feathers all around, Daemon was on his bed, sleeping still, his ass naked and visible to you so you grabbed the duvet and covered him up. The commotion disturbed his sleep so he opened his eyes and rubbed it with his fingers to look at you.

“What happened here last night?” You asked him softly so he sighed as he remembered everything.

“Caroline came by, she saw me”

“What do you mean?” you asked, surprised by what he was telling you.

“She saw me as a dragon” your eyes widened so much so that he was afraid you'd blow them out of your sockets.

“What?”

“I was amidst the transformation and I heard the knock on the door and I thought it was you but it was her and she saw me” he sat up on the bed, staring ahead blankly as he relived the events of the previous night.

“Ummm what did umm what did she say ..how did she react?” You asked, your voice shaking with anticipation.

“She was.. in shock but..she wasn't scared” he answered nonchalantly.

“Mmmhm and then what happened?” You asked him, your heartbeat faster, he wasn't your boyfriend or that's what you thought, none of you had given a name to this thing between you two so you feared that he must have done something with her.

“Well we talked, she's not as vapid as she seems, kind of took me by surprise if I'm being honest” you gulped as he said that.

“Mmhm so what ..like.. you guys are friends now?” You asked as you crossed your arms, jealousy evident in your voice and he could smell it even though you had tried to keep your voice steady despite the anger and insecurity burning inside of you.

“I mean I had to make sure she won't go around speaking of this” he told you.

“You go around telling everyone who you are,” you retorted, frustration evident in your voice. You knew he wanted to keep his secret safe but Caroline getting to see him like that even before you had left a bad taste in your mouth.

“Yeah but they don't believe me, I'm crazy remember?”

“Well she's not exactly well” you said to him.

“Sex addiction is not the same as other mental ailments” you stifled the urge to roll your eyes as he suddenly got so defensive of her.

“Ohhhh sorry I offended your new friend” you walked back to your cart so he chuckled and sat up a little to lean his head against the headboard.

“You don't have to be jealous darling” he said, and you could feel the smugness dripping in his voice. You swallowed the lump in your throat, trying not to show how hurt you were feeling.

“What makes you think I'd be jealous?”

“The way you're acting”

“I'm not acting any differently than I usually do..besides you're not my boyfriend or anything like that..we are not exclusive or even together for that matter” you answered and you could see the smirk disappearing from his face. Your words had come out more harshly than you had intended.

He was just messing with you and being playful, he had no idea how upset you were about this.

“Fine then..” he mumbled quietly.

“Yeah fine”

“Is this going to be a thing with you always, hmm? We sex each other up and the next morning you're going to pick a fight with me?” Daemon asked, and you could hear the frustration in his voice.

“Pick a fight?” You chuckled bitterly “I'm talking to you in a normal tone, I'm not the one to accidentally show my supposed dragon side to other people, you did and it seems to me that you're not even as worried about it as you should be” you finished your words, the term dragon came out as a sneer and that only upsetted him further.

“I'm not worried because I trust her” your eyes teared up as he said that.

“Just like that? In one night?”

“Yeah I can sense these things like I did with you..” he concluded, trying to diffuse the tension but it was futile.

“Uhhhuh? And you couldn't tell that it wasn't me outside your door?”

“My senses are weakened when I'm changing..trust me when I say this, i really wanted it to be you” he emphasized each and every word but in that moment you just felt blinded by the rage you were feeling.

“If you really wanted it you'd have shown me”

His eyes teared up as you said that but he smiled instead and shook his head in disbelief.

“Well at least she's yet to go behind my back and tell Viserys about my hair and feathers”

He said before he got up and stepped inside the bathroom, you flinched as he slammed the door so harshly that there were few cracks at the edges now.

You couldn't believe he had thrown that into your face, instead of apologizing to him and mending the situation you cleaned his room as quickly as you could. A part of you wanted to knock on the door and ask if he was alright but your ego held you back.

After stepping out of his room you knocked on Caroline's door and she asked you to get in so you entered inside, she was on her bed still, sleeping naked.

Well they certainly had things in common it seems.

“Good morning…what's your name?” She asked as she sat up, extremely confident in her nakedness so you sighed.

“Y/n” you answered curtly, not wanting to get into a conversation with her.

“Y/n..what's my neighbor like? I mean you clean his room everyday” she prodded, making you shrug your shoulders.

“I wouldn't know..my job is to clean and get out” She hummed as you answered her “Why did you ask?’ you questioned as curiosity got the best of you.

“I think i have a crush on him” You felt your heart sink as Caroline admitted

“Yeah, so do other women around your age here” you answered, trying to keep your voice snarky.

“Mmm but they haven't seen him the way i have” she looked in the distance as she said that, clearly reminiscing what she had seen last night.

“Like what?”

“Nevermind girlie..what about you?”

“What do you mean?” .

“Do you have a crush on him as well?” She smirked so you rolled your eyes.

“I don't get involved with patients”

You were hoping she'd spill the beans about him so you could go back to Daemon and throw it in his face but then you realized how bitchy it might have been. As much as you despised this development between him and Caroline, you didn't want his secret to be out in the open or have any harm come his way.

During lunchtime much to your displeasure you found Daemon in his usual spot in the corner but now Caroline was accompanying him. You always told him to not stare at you in the cafeteria so why did it hurt so bad when for once since he had arrived here he didn't have his eyes on you?. His attention was directed towards Caroline and whatever conversation they were having with each other.

At the end of the service as you walked towards his table he finally looked at you, you could feel his gaze from your peripheral vision and Caroline's eyes were stuck on him, and you knew that because you had your eyes on Caroline.

“Are you folks done with your meal?” You asked so she looked at you but didn't answer so you grabbed both of their plates and placed it on the tray.

“You know if you have no intention of eating you shouldn't take so much food just to waste it” you told her as you walked away so Daemon raised his brows, amusement visible on his face. Caroline couldn't help but gasp at the rude remark.

“Can you believe it?” She asked Daemon as you disappeared out of their sight.

“Oh I definitely can”

“She's just a glorified maid she should mind her words” his jaw clenched as Caroline said that.

“She's doing her job”

Caroline raised her brows as Daemon defended you.

A minute later, he watched as you left the cafeteria, a mix of emotions running through him. He wanted to follow after you, pull you aside and hold you in his arms to kiss you, he wanted to ask why you were behaving this way, but his ego got in the way.

He can't be the one to follow after you all the time.

You sat down in the garden with a sad looking sandwich in your hands but your appetite was gone, perhaps you'd find Daemon in your bedroom again this evening and maybe then you could tell him that you were indeed jealous that she got to see that part of him you have only heard of since he got here.

But when you finished your shift and arrived in your room, you were crushed to discover that Daemon wasn't there. Instead, the room was empty, and you felt a sense of despair wash over you. As you laid down in the bed, the weight of the day's events finally overwhelmed you, and you found yourself crying. Images of Daemon fucking Caroline and losing interest in you plagued your thoughts.

This is what you had been avoiding all your life, such intense attachment to a man, it's not that you hadn't tried to date before, though there was no sexual attraction on your behalf you did get attached to those men emotionally and it hurt when they eventually betrayed you for not giving them what they wanted from you so you stayed single and didn't get yourself involved with a man until Daemon arrived and made you feel things you never thought was possible for you. And now he had found someone else so of course he had no use of you anymore.

That night as Daemon heard a knock on his door, this time he knew it wasn't you even though he wanted it to be you so badly.

“You look normal today” Caroline said to him so he sighed.

“It doesn't happen every night” he answered her so she smirked and sat down on his bed with her legs crossed,

“Come sit here” she tapped the side of the bed so he crossed his arms.

“Quit seducing me” he answered with a snark dripping through his words.

“I'm not seducing you. Are you feeling seduced?” she asked as she bit on her lips and tilted her head.

“Aren't you prohibited from doing this nympho?”

Her smile dropped down as he said that and eyes teared up so she got up and walked past him but he grabbed her arm.

“Sorry, I was joking”

He told her so she turned around and suddenly wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Today was my first session with Dr. Vis..i don't like him” she said to him so he chuckled as he grabbed her forearms and pulled her away from him, a part of him felt as if he was betraying you somehow even though your thing with him wasn't really exclusive as you had so proudly stated this morning.

“Neither do i..What did he do?” he asked curiously. Ever since he had connected the dots between him and Tanya and had discovered that other thing, a part of him wondered what other skeletons his brother was hiding in his closet.

“I don't know..he was just being weird”

The next morning as you began your duty you were hoping to find Daemon's naked form in his bed but you found Caroline sleeping in his bed instead, though she was fully clothed you had a feeling that something must have gone down between them.

“Ooops ..don't tell anyone” she mumbled as she stretched her arms, you could hear the shower running and Daemon was in there so you went on to quickly do your job because you couldn't stand the thought of looking at him in the moment. You couldn't help but feel betrayed as if your time with him had meant nothing to him.

After a few minutes Caroline eventually got up and left for her room. As soon as she was gone Daemon came out of the bathroom, as your eyes met with him he smirked and all you wanted to do was to hit him with the broom you were holding to clean.

You didn't want an explanation, you didn't care whether they fucked each other or not, you were done with him and you were not going to entertain him any further or that's what you convinced yourself.

After drying his hair and putting on a trouser he sat down on the bed and you could feel his eyes on you,

“So that's it..we just don't talk anymore huh?” He asked you so you glared at him but didn't respond and that only pissed him off further

“Well it seems to me that you have found someone to sleep with now so there's no point talking to me anymore or coming into my room unannounced..you know all you men are just the same..all you want in life is to fuck as many women as you can and you're just a man whore” you spewed venomously, making his jaw clenched with anger. This thing was only escalating for the worse between you two.

“All the men, hmm? Says the thirty year old Virgin” he retorted.

“At Least I'm not a whore like you and your new girlfriend Caroline” he chuckled as you said that, your words laced with bitterness reminded him of that of a stubborn child.

“Look at you, so jealous that it's pathetic, makes me want to pity you”

“Awn a patient, pities me, what am I gonna do now?” your pitch went high as you faked the sad voice and he couldn't help but be amused.

“I'm not going to follow you around like a puppy, I have never been that man, I did it twice and now you think I'll just continue to run after you when you're treating me like this?” he asked you and it only frustrated you further.

“Well you did it because you were bored and wanted to fuck me but now that you have a whore in the next room to fuck around with there's no need of me” you mumbled angrily, your own words made you cringe, you never wanted to be this woman in life who blamed other women for snatching their men,

“Well my darling you're a virgin mary ..and with this attitude you're going to suffer the same fate as your mother..dying of a broken heart with no-one to protect you”

Your eyes teared up at his venomous words so you glared at him intensely but no words came out. You grabbed the equipment you were carrying and turned around to walk out of his room.

It was decided now, you were done with him. This was a mistake from the beginning.

His words had stung you deeply but what did he mean by broken heart? Your mum died of a heart attack and not a broken heart.

Later that afternoon you saw Daemon and Caroline chatting each other up against her door, even if they hadn't fucked last night, it was bound to happen sooner or later and you didn't want to get caught up in the middle of it.

As days passed, they turned into a week but the hurt of losing a friend stayed and only got stronger with time, as much as you wanted to make yourself believe that you didn't care you did, you missed him and it hurt a lot that he didn't miss you the same, that he didn't care at all that you were no longer in his life. It was as if you never really mattered to him, not one bit.

You couldn't stop working though so you had the misfortune of seeing his stupid face every morning, since your fight with him you hadn't found one single feather or any trace of hair in his room and it did raised your curiosity but you didn't ask him anything, you also refused to indulge him when he was trying to speak with you.

One afternoon you were called into Dr. Viserys's office so you took a deep breath before you knocked on his door and he asked you to get in.

“Sit down y/n” he told you so you sighed and sat down.

“I don't think I ever apologized for that night, I was just in a humongous amount of stress and lashed at you so forgive me for that rude behavior” he said to you so you hummed in response.

“It's not an issue, is that all sir?”

“No i actually wanted to discuss something regarding the patient in 394”

“Caroline Withherson?” You asked him so he smiled,

“I am giving you her responsibility, perhaps putting her next to Daemon was a mistake” he told you so you looked at him confused, even though you knew exactly what he was hinting at.

“I don't understand -”

“Just keep an eye on her, make sure she's following her rules” he told you so you nodded, there was a serious lack of staff at the facility so the burden often fell on the shoulders of the custodians.

As you stepped out of his office you saw Daemon at the other end of the corridor, as his eyes met with yours you quickly looked away but his gaze was set on you. How stubborn could one woman be, he thought? His ego seemed smaller as compared to yours..

He knew you weren't the only one in the wrong here, he was equally responsible for this tiff but you weren't even giving him a chance to speak, in the last two weeks he had tried to rile you up at every chance he got but you weren't giving him anything in return, and the silent treatment was starting to piss him off.

The next morning he was on the bed reading when you got inside his room and just like every day in the past two weeks, he didn't hear a word from you, however he did notice a mark on your hand so he got off the bed and grabbed your arm to inspect.

“What do you think you're doing?” You asked sternly so he glared at you, so that's what he had to do to make you speak, grab you without your consent?

“Who did this?” He asked you so you pulled your hand away from him.

“The burner did..I was making tea..it was an accident..why do you care anyways”

You mumbled as you picked up the dustpan from the cart to collect the filth on the ground.

“Just because you have stopped caring about me that doesn't mean i feel that way too” he said to you so you looked at him with a mixture of surprise and anger.

“Mmmhmmm is that why you're sleeping with your neighbor? To nurse your wounds?”

“She fell asleep while we were talking ..we didn't fuck each other”

“Whatever I don't care Daemon-”

“Oh that I can see”

Your eyes teared up as he raised his voice so he stepped closer to you and grabbed your shoulders to pull you into his chest.

“Why can't you just talk to me like a normal person? Why is it hard for you to just talk?” he asked you softly, his tone now gentler than ever.

“Talk about what? You tell me one day that I'm all you have and then you find a new girl to spend time with and all of a sudden you don't want to make up with me..you just ignored me-”

“Ignored you? All you had to do was just admit that you felt jealous and I'd have done anything to show you why you didn't need to feel that way, you have not even looked at me in past two weeks-”

“Because it hurts to look at you and to watch you replace me so easily-”

“God you're stupid y/n .. so fucking stupid” he said as he stepped away from you to run his fingers through his hair frustratingly.

“Yes I'm stupid enough to trust a man like you-” another jab of yours almost made him want to kiss you just so you'd quit insulting him.

“Man like me? What does that even mean hmm?”

“I don't like you Daemon..you frustrate me..you make me want to say these awful things to you that i have never said in my life, you anger me so much and it's driving me crazy” Your eyes welled up and voice choked on tears as you berated him further but perhaps that's what you both needed in that moment.

“Oh you think you're any better? You're the most insufferable woman I have ever known in my life, you're fucking sick in head you know that? Not any better than these people around here, at least they know they got a problem..you on the other hand? You are walking around freely with your mental instability” he lashed out at you as well as if he was speaking everything he had felt towards you in the past two weeks.

“At Least I'm not a pretentious animal --”

“Pretense huh…I am pretentious?” He growled as he stepped closer to you until there was no space left between your bodies, the flash of red clouded his eyes for a moment, his breath was hot on your face. Dropping the dustpan on the floor you wrapped your arms around his neck as you kissed him, his arms wrapped around your waist as he pulled you as close as humanly possible, it was either this or another cruel words out of your mouth, words that you didn't even believe yourself.

“We are not good for each other” your eyes welled up as you spoke between the kiss and he wasn't any different, his emotions were on all time high at the moment, he had never felt such passion for another soul in his life before, no other woman had made him feel so frustrated yet so connected, “I'm saying things to you I don't even mean-”

“So am i..why can't you just talk to me calmly?” he asked as he brushed your hair with his fingers before he kissed you again.

“Because I'm insecure.. and I don't want to get hurt” you mumbled against his mouth.

“I don't want to hurt you ..”

“But you do”

“You hurt me as well, I ask you to not ignore me and you take it as a challenge”

“I know I do, I don't know how we are supposed to do this Daemon. Okay? I admit I was jealous that she saw you like that, I felt hurt that she got to see you and i didn't”

“I didn't do it on purpose -”

“I just can't..trust anything or anyone anymore, people lie and cheat and hurt-” your voice cracked with the whirlpool of emotions you were feeling.

“Nothing happened i swear darling-”

“You slept with her in the same bed-”

“That meant nothing.. nothing happened, i didn't even touch her” he said to you and as much as you didn't want to admit it had brought you a huge relief.

“Why not? She's gorgeous and she's your type” you asked meekly so he furrowed his brows in confusion.

“How do you even know what my type is?” he asked you so you changed the conversation.

“Did you miss me?” you asked him softly as you caressed his nape, the sultry little touch aroused him instantly.

“I haven't been able to shift since we stopped interacting”

“Why not?”

“I don't know-”

“I have missed you-”

“Then stop arguing with me so nonsensically” his voice was deep and husky as he spoke.

“You say mean things when you're angry” you told him, at the same realizing what a hypocrite you were.

“And you spew flowers?”

“I can be irrational at times..I'm a woman”

“And here comes the misogyny”

“I'm on duty right now..I can't do this-” you mumbled as you pulled away from him, both of your breaths were heavy due to the intense conversation and the kiss that had followed.

“What do you want, hmm?” he asked you so you thought about it for a moment.

“Apologise” you then answered shamelessly.

“I will” he paused for a moment before he spoke again “You are going initiate it though”

“You're so egoistic”

“And you're a pot..you see that?”

You walked closer to him and placed your head down on his chest to hug him tightly as he said that.

“Where should I start? I have said so many things”

“Let's start from the beginning then?”

“I'm sorry if I made you feel used” you apologized as softly as you could.

“I'm sorry I spoke ill of your mother , that was disrespectful and I deserved your anger for that comment” your eyes teared up again as he reminded you of that.

“Why did you say that?”

Your eyes met with his as you looked up so he thought about it for a moment and decided to not speak of that matter until he had complete information.

“I was angry”

“I don't want to fight with you daemon -” the corner of his mouth curved slightly into a small smile as you said that.

“Then what do you want?” he asked, gently caressing your lower lips with his thumb which made you feel distracted again.

“I want you to be nice to me like you're with Caroline” you mumbled.

“I fight with you because I care too much to act indifferent, you don't want me to treat you the way I treat her, trust me” He mumbled as he leaned down to peck your lips “Besides if I was any nicer to you you'd fall in love with me”

You couldn't help but smile as he said that.

“As if”

You answered smugly. Ohhh but you would you thought, since the day you saw him first a part of you knew he'd not be another passing fancy in your life, it was a feeling you had always longed for, someone you could connect with on a deeper level, and the connection you felt with him was undeniable, you just hoped he was feeling it as well.

As you stepped out of his room you realized that the constant lingering ache you had felt in the past two weeks had suddenly vanished. It was replaced by hope and that feeling of a sweet tickling sensation in your heart that you couldn't really describe in a word.

Later that evening you did find him in your room as you had hoped.

“You know the shirt is supposed to be worn?” you said to him as you found him sitting at the edge of your bed holding a dark brown shirt between his palms.

“I brought it for you, to put it on after the shower” he mumbled softly so you smiled.

“Don't tell me what to do” you said as you walked towards him so he stood up immediately and cupped your cheeks, he then craned your neck up and kissed you deeply, his tongue slipped in slowly and you couldn't deny how you had missed this feeling. He kissed you like he had never kissed you before. A kiss that could never be replicated, a kiss that will forever live on in your memory, it was full of longing desire and needy.

It was raw and unbridled, yet tender and intimate.

“I'm sorry i called you a man whore” you mumbled as he pulled away slightly to breathe.

“Mmmm I'm sorry I told you that you'd die alone even though I'd protect you whether you'd want me to or not” he responded.

“Mmmm okay “ you mumbled as you stepped away from him to go shower, when you came out you had his shirt on with shorts underneath as you joined him in the bed.

Without a word he climbed on top of you and caressed your scalp with his fingers as he leaned down to kiss you softly, your arms curled around his neck as you pulled him closer to you, his hair tickling your cheeks and neck so you grabbed them to push it behind his shoulder.

“You came through my window and your hair is long again, did you shift?” you questioned him softly.

“Mmhm”

“Mmmm I'm sorry i called you an animal”

“I'm an animal..it was the term pretentious that bothered me”

“I'm sorry i called you pretentious then” he chuckled as you said that but then he remembered he had something to apologize for.

“I'm sorry i called you mentally unstable”

“I kind of am-”

“I don't mind that” you giggled as he said that and you couldn't help but wonder why it was so easy to get back to him even after such a rift.

“You should go before Viserys loses his mind again”

“I didn't get you in my shirt so you could sleep alone tonight”

“We shouldn't do naughty things, they are such a curse..it's going to make us fight the next day” his brows raised at the quirky statement.

“How superstitious of you..but we don't have to if you don't want to”

But that was the problem, you really wanted to be naughty with him and have him touch you intimately.

“I'm sorry i called you a whore..you're not a whore” you mumbled softly so he leaned down to kiss you again. He couldn't stop kissing you when he had thought of your lips on him every night for the past two weeks.

“I'm sorry i called you a Virgin Mary, even though it's true”

You slapped on his cheek lightly as he joked but his eyes flickered at the gesture, he grabbed your hand with one hand and your chin with the other to kiss you passionately.

He didn't know why as he had always been non-confrontational before in life, especially with the women he had been with, he didn't take shit from anyone until you came along, a part of him rejoiced in these moments of arguments and then falling back to each other as if nothing had happened. He knew it wasn't healthy to argue this way but he'd rather argue with you than lose you to complete indifference as if you were nothing but a stranger to him.

***

Later that night Viserys slumped into his office chair, tired and burdened from the long day he had. He really thought that bringing Daemon here and placing him on medication would suppress this madness he was born with but he was completely wrong. Daemon was only getting worse everyday and he could feel his brother slipping away and gaining agency.

Viserys reached under the table and pulled out a key, which he used to open the drawer in his desk. Inside was a diary that he had kept safely hidden from Daemon all their lives, along with pictures that he had taken back on the day Daemon was born. In the picture, their mother held Daemon in her arms, their father stood by their side, and Viserys had managed to capture the moment as they all smiled for the camera.

His eyes teared up with a mixture of anger and jealousy, even after years he felt the same feelings he had on the night Daemon was born. He traced the pictures, remembering the day their mother had first held Daemon in her arms, the day that had changed the course of his life forever as he became the child that was nothing but ordinary.

“Abomination” he mumbled as he flipped through the pictures.

In the last photo, Daemon laid in his crib, smiling up at their mother, his eyes a vibrant blood red with elongated ears and scales covering his small body.

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

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[distinctlywhumpthing]

Unintentional 29

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We're finally on the way home kids...

CW: BBU-adjacent, institutionalized slavery. Beta-read by @alittlewhump <3

The clock on the dashboard of Delia’s Honda glows bright blue, digital colon blinking between the six and five every second like a heartbeat. Only seven more minutes until the CVS opens. Leo scans the parking lot for the dozenth time. It’s still nearly empty, unchanged since they pulled in ten minutes ago after a drive twice as long as it needed to be. The pharmacy is the only store with any lights on, the rest of the strip mall’s windows and signs are dark. Errant snowflakes flurry through the light cast by the street lamps, inconsistent and sparse, borrowed from a passing storm. It would be peaceful if it weren’t for the adrenaline still coursing through his veins. 

Leo drags a hand over his face and takes a deep breath. He can’t even remember the last time he pulled an all-nighter. It must have been back when he was young enough for it not to feel like he’d been hit by a bus. Beside him, Aiden is still and quiet, save for the just-audible exhales he forces between pursed lips. Measured and even like he’s trying to stave off tears or panic or pain or some combination of all three. They hadn’t spoken on the ride over, both tensely checking the mirrors to make sure they weren’t being followed. 

Not that there was anything to say. 

…

He couldn’t even look at him.

If Aiden were a normal teenager—whatever that means—he’d be giving him hell. How could you be so impulsive? I already thought I lost you once today and now you’re jumping at the next chance? Do you have any idea what that would be like for me? Trying to get on with my life after they’d taken you back? Can’t you see how much I care about you? 

But he couldn’t say any of that. Didn’t know what to say, so he couldn’t look at him right now. Aiden quietly resumed his charade. Sure, the raid wasn't over yet but Leo couldn’t help wondering if he was putting on an extra show of cooperation as a demonstration of goodwill. 

Did he regret what he almost did? Or just the fact that he got caught? 

When he was sure Aiden’s eyes were closed, Leo looked into his face. The ruse wasn’t at all convincing, Leo knew him too well. For starters, the overwrought way Aiden managed his breath was a dead giveaway. A far cry from the gentle, inherent rhythm of sleep even he managed. Leo had clocked more minutes than he was willing to admit frozen in the hallway, letting himself feel an undeserved modicum of relief when that smooth sound reached his ears.

Just as telling was the determination in the tension of his jaw, only a little diluted by the way he was holding the inside of his bottom lip between his teeth to keep it from trembling. He was braver than Leo could ever give him credit for. He barely understood the first thing about this kid, yet here he was, reading every twitch of his brows and hitch of his breath like he had the whole frame of reference. 

Thankfully, this charade didn’t solely hinge on his or Aiden’s poor acting skills. The devil was in the details on this one. It was the set that truly sold it and revealed just how much practice Delia has had at this. 

Greeting cards crowded the windowsill, all sure to have handwritten messages on the inside. Either abandoned and repurposed or manufactured for this explicitly. A handmade quilt was tucked over the foot of the bed, balloons filled one corner up to the ceiling, and fresh flowers sat on all three tables. A hand-painted ‘Keep Fighting’ sign stretched across the wall with messages and names written over handprints. He recognized Delia’s handwriting in one corner. There’s no way she had recruited so many sympathizers so at least half of those notes and wildly different signatures had to have been done by her hand. Again, he was unsure whether to be unnerved or impressed by the level of dedication. Which was about as terrifying as it was comforting because maybe it meant the agents really weren’t coming back.   

And that was about all the time he could spend distracting himself from what the fuck was going on and where the hell was that damn sister of his. 

It was all he could do not to compulsively check his phone every second. Was it on? Was it even still in his pocket? What if he didn’t get service in this corner of the hospital? 

By the time there was a knock on the door, he had wound himself up so much that he jumped to his feet. In his flat-out panic, he forgot any recognition of the cadence of knocks and was certain they were caught but he was just pinned to the spot like an idiot. When the curtains parted, of course it was only Noah and he knew that, but he had passed the useful kind of adrenaline-fueled exhaustion about five hours ago. 

“They’ve given the all clear. Everything good here?” Leo’s obvious lack of composure earned raised eyebrows from Noah. 

He cleared his throat and straightened, his lower back tight after trying to conform to the chair. “As far as I know…they came in but a nurse made them leave before—” He resisted the impulse to look at Aiden who hadn’t moved, save opening his eyes to watch them. A deer frozen on the edge of the yard, afraid bolting would mean certain death. Ironic. “Where’s Delia?”

Now Noah looked caught out. “She’s, uh, she’s got her hands full with a…patient…” 

Leo struggled to keep his voice even. “What? Did they find something?” 

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s…look it’s better if you don’t know the details. I’m sure you want to get out of here anyway.” He cast a meaningful glance at Aiden. “Here are some notes for the prescriptions. They’re ready to fill at the pharmacy, antibiotics and—”

“Wait a second.” He stepped closer, lowering his voice. “How deep into this shit are you two? I’m grateful for what you did for us but this doesn’t seem like something you should be making a habit of.” 

Noah had the gall to chuckle—little shit—but when he saw Leo’s expression he quickly swallowed it. “Hey, man, I get it. There’s a reason I don’t tell my family. But I’m sure you know Delia well enough to know she’s not a ‘follower’.” He even used air quotes around the word. “We’re not even in the same unit. We didn’t realize we were both doing this independently until one of our shelter contacts introduced us.” Leo didn’t even try to mask his doubt so Noah continued, “For what it’s worth, it’s a lot safer for both of us having each other’s backs. But as you well know, the risks are never zero when you’re on this side of the law.” 

On this side of the law. 

The phrase twisted and turned in his head as Noah led them out through the labyrinth of back stairwells, quiet wards, and service elevators. It pressed against his thoughts as they huddled in a supply closet from a rush of doctors responding to a code blue. It loomed over him as he rested his hands on Aiden’s shoulders when he nearly jumped out of the wheelchair at the slam of a door. It echoed loudest when he was behind the wheel and it was on him to get them home safe. And figure everything else out. 

…

“L-Leo?” Aiden ducks his chin when Leo looks over, like he didn’t intend to say his name out loud and isn’t sure what to do with his attention now that he has it. He picks at the cuticle of his right thumb, lips moving like he’s trying to shape his words just right before speaking. After a minute of that, he presses them together, flattens his hands on his thighs and meets Leo’s eyes. “Mmm’sorry…before…mmm…” His chin starts to tremble and it’s obvious he wants to look away but he forces himself to maintain eye contact. “I-I-I…mmm…mmm…” 

“Alright, it’s okay.” Leo can’t bear the kid’s self-imposed confession. “I’m not mad. I can’t say I understand what might have possessed you but, anyway, we’re good. Water under the bridge.” It feels a little blunt and more than a little awkward but he adds, “You’re not in any trouble,” like Delia said dozens of times throughout the night. 

“Mmm…but…I’mmm…I-I-I…” Aiden furrows his brow like he’s still trying to find a word, lips moving, but tears well in his eyes, threatening to spill the longer he searches. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Leo repeats gently. “It’s all good.” 

Aiden doesn’t look placated at all. He balks at Leo, visibly distressed, lips quivering as he pauses mid-silent-syllable. 

Shit. That’ll encourage the kid to communicate more, just cut him off like an impatient ass. But if this is just some other backwards Companion obedience thing… Leo’s out of energy for trying to wade through how exactly to handle this. He has so much research to do. Is it even safe to do research?

“I’m sorry, hon. Look” Aiden flinches when Leo's hand meets his shoulder. 

He grimaces at Leo apologetically, shaking his head at himself. He swipes at a tear with the back of his hand and shakes his head again, a ragged exhale escaping his lips.  

“I know it’s not easy, we’ll figure it out together.”   

Aiden looks up, biting his lips together as he tries to blink back the rest of his tears. It’s heartbreaking to watch. Leo hopes he doesn’t think there’s any problem with him crying when he needs to. At the same time, Leo can also understand why he wouldn’t want to always be breaking down. 

“For now, let’s just focus on getting home, okay?” 

Aiden nods, pulling his hands into his sleeves and wiping away the last of the tears. He puts on a brave face.  

“Good boy.” 

Aiden looks away shyly. Leo opens his mouth to take it back, to apologize for saying something so patronizing, so offensive. He meant it more as a ‘good sport’, ‘atta boy’. He— 

There, behind the fist Aiden rests his cheek against as he pretends to look out the window, is a hint of a smile. 

Only this kid can shatter his heart and melt it in the span of five minutes. 

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A SHORT (NOT) MESS OF AN ESSAY ON HOW CLARKE AND BELLAMY ARE INCREDIBLY ESSENTIAL TO THEIR UNIVERSE This is a half-humorous post about the ridiculousness of the plot, but believe me it's filled to the brim with my love for it

Or, in which explaining the plot of the numbers show would get me institutionalized. I refuse to check wiki while writing this post so if I'm wrong about any of the lore and dates, just look past it. So, ~100 years before S1 we have the following happening: Becca Franco is a brilliant billionaire who is a genetic engineer, a prodigy coder, oh and a eugenics supporter who is working on a superior black-blooded race. She also creates A.L.L.I.E - an AI that does not understand that sometimes the end does not justify the means In the background, WW3 is raging, Diyoza is blowing up fascist governments, the U.S. president is a Wallace. And then there is this bombshell blonde Josephine Ada Lightbourne, with her princess haircut, who is a huge fan of Becca's. She is preparing to embark on a mission to look for inhabitable planets onboard of Eligious III. Those who are part of this mission are equipped with memory drives inside their heads for storing data about new environments. Eventually, Becca has one of those inside her head, too. Meanwhile, Diyoza and >300 other prisoners are sent on a mining mission on a bunch of rocks in space aboard Eligious I. They are put to sleep in cryopods developed by Becca's company. Meanwhile, it can be assumed that Clarke's ancestors and Bellamy's great-great-great grandpa with 4 PhDs have begun their space station jobs.

97 years later, we all know what happens, 101 people are sent to Earth on what is believed by many to be a suicidal mission. There is nothing inherently special about Clarke or Bellamy. I mean, of course they are dearly special to my heart and turn out to be incredibly special to the universe, but before I humorously describe the plot progression, I need to emphasize, they are two humans who lived all of their life on a tin can in space, and while within the context of the Ark they are special (Clarke is a "princess", of course not literally but it does not seem far fetched that she would end up becoming the Chancellor someday; Bellamy is the only big sibling on the ark which gives him personality traits unique for someone his age as far as the ark is concerned). But they are not supernatural beings, they do not have nightblood, they are not chosen ones, know what I mean? And yet:

S1: the most down-to-earth season, after that the stakes will only go up. Objective: make sure that the 102 has as many survivors as possible until the adults get down to Earth. Enemies: grounders, reapers, wildlife, elements, toxic fog (mountain men but they do not know that yet), sometimes the delinquents turn against other delinquents. Clarke uses her calculating, cunning, and caring nature as well as her medical skills to gain respect among the group. By the end of S1 she is someone that the rest of the delinquents look up to guidance. Bellamy uses his PhD in public speaking (why is he sometimes "quiet" in blarke fanfic, he is literally the yapper boyfriend) and combat prowess to initially scare people into deference, however his caring side cannot be contained for too long. By the end of S1, he is someone that the rest of the delinquents look up to for guidance. Blarke status: co-leaders who respect and inspire each other and friends who flirt at the most improper occasions

S2: the season with the finale to end all season finales trademark.

Objective: break the 47 out of mount weather; establish a truce with the grounders and claim some territory for arkadians Enemies: Mountain Men, grounders and their commandor but in a "enemy-of-my-enemy-is-my-friend kinda way, gorilla mutant

Clarke - kills her ex-boyfriend (and that is the merciful option), and becomes a de-facto chancellor due to incompetence of A/bby and K/ane; negotiates a deal with the grounder ruler - L/xa who in her head HAS A MIND DRVE WITH ALLIE 2.0 THE MORE ADVANCED VERSION OF THE AI WHO NUKED THE WORLD and also HAS THE MEMORIES OF BECCA FRANCO. Clarke kisses l/xa - the start of a long situationship with the chip.

Bellamy - goes on an extremely risky one-man undercover mission to infiltrate Mount Weather. Just so it resonates, Bellamy is not a trained spy or a navy seal or a special forces soldier. He pulls of this insane feat of disabling the acid fog without being caught(the fog machine apparently has been killing the grounders for 50+ years and is the reason why the grounders could not retaliate against MW all this time!!!! He!! really!! did!! all1! that!! without being caught AND was actively working on protecting the 47 simultaneously) Blarke status: bonded over the actual genocide of MW (including the Wallace lineage) after the grounders forced their hand by utterly betraying them. S3 - the season when things start to get out of hand Objective: claim safe territory for arkadians to live and hunt for food; develop an alliance with the grounders (who stabbed them in the back in S2); make sure the commander keeps her word that arkadians are part of the alliance; make sure Ice nation does not ascend and wipe out skycrew; keep their own people from being executed by their own people; stop Emerson; stop THE AI THAT ENDED THE WORLD WITH NUKES, stop the zombies controlled by said AI; obtain a nightblood in order to access Becca and stop the evil AI SAVE THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE

Enemies: grounders (heh I see a pattern); Pike (kinda), Queen Nia, Emerson, Roan (kinda), Ontario, ALLIE, Jaha (kinda), l/xa (kinda), Echolocation wew, just writing it down, they really did try to do everything in those 16 episodes, didn't they? ALLIE the AI that NUKED THE PLANET bats her eyelashes flirtatiously at BELLAMY while possessing Raven. Calls out Bellamy for being more devoted to Clarke than to his actual girlfriend. i need to emphasise that THE AI THAT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ENDING THE CIVILATION IS INVESTED IN BELLARKE RELATIONSHIP DRAMA.

Clarke enters the chip inhabited by her lover and by Becca Franco. Has a conversation with both ALLIE and Becca. The memory of 'together" gives her strength to pull the kill switch.

ALLIE: so essentially in 6 month is the last day of humanity because of the second nuclear apocalypse incoming,

Clarke: don't worry, me and Bellamy will figure something out :))) together :))) (with Raven ofc, I mean no erasure to my girl, its just this post is focusing on bellarke) ALLIE: :O Im exhausted Ive already been writing out this post for an hour, Im glad I'm halfway through

Blarke status: reunited and it feels so good. Saved the world (but not quite yet) S4 - the calamity season

Objective: Save the human race (again)

Enemies: Primefiya, Ice Nation (kinda), Ilian (for a hot second), ALLIE 1.0 (for Raven) Uncle Jaha sets up Blarke on a day trip in order to feed them some lore that will be relevant later. Bellamy picks up a coin with the 'from the ashes we will rise" written on it, which will prompt Jaha to correlate this with the grounder prayer which will make him ask the flaimkeeper about it which will lead them to check the temple which will lead them to discovering the bunker. So I think that all the ppl who found salvation inside the bunker owe their life to Bellamy in a round about way.

Clarke once again negotiates an alliance with the grounders. Acts as de facto chancellor. Bellarke act as the leaders of the sky people as god intended. Clarke becomes a nightblood (this will be extra relevant in S6) O*tavia is credited with something that was Clarke's idea in the first place and would be impossible without Bellamy's help. So everyone say thank you Clarke and Bellamy for saving us :) Blarke status: This voice mail is currently full. S5: We are not pretanding that the apocalypse could have possibly happened around 2050 anymore considering the technology available

Objective: Save the human race and Earth. Try not to destroy the only inhabitable spot of land left on the planet challenge.

Enemies: Paxton "Graveyard" McCreary, Diyoza (kinda), rest of the miner's crew, Kara Cooper, Octonian, Miller (for a minute) Diyoza, the former navy seal corporal turned domestic anti-fascist terrorist back from 106 years ago is very invested in the Bellarke relationship status. Bellamy makes a deal with Diyoza & her army by having a galaxy brain and keeping that Best Dad in the Universe mug - truly an iconic behavior. This leads to a) saving Clarke and Madi (a.k.a his wife and daughter uwu) b) opening the bunker, which apparently the 814 left in the bunker had no prospects of opening so please say thank you Bellamy fast forward to the end - Clarke and Bellamy are off to ANOTHER FUCKING PLANET?!?! and making decision regarding the fate of the human race again as God intended. Also Marper got to be happy and grow old together <3 miss them though. Blarke status: they got sick of their world-wide fame and now are onto their galaxy-wide fame. They have 2 kids. S6 - The most romantic 10 episodes of television brought to screen I think Objective: explore Alpha; find a safe territory for their people; make alliances with Sanctum; uh oh what are those people up to???; sci-fi horror intensifies; SAVE CLARKE; and the rest of sky crew I guess; keep an eye on Jordan and Madi (objective failed); act on feelings (objective failed)

Okay, so. We have this awesome chick Josephine and she and neuroscientist Gabriel are sooooo in love. They are quite crazy about each other. Josie is very flirtatious but you can tell that what she and Gabriel have is something special. But then BUT THEN Josie is murdered by her own dad while he was having an environment-driven psychotic episode. and Gabriel is NOT READY TO LET HER GO HE LOVES HER OKAY. And her dad, Russel, obviously feels guilty as fuck and cannot live with himself. So Russel and Gabriel work on defeating death. Yea you heard that right, we are dealing with immortality now. After decades of inhumane experiments they succeed in bringing Josie back in some innocent girl';s body. How? Because Josie was backed up on a mindrive, that was developed by Becca. You know, the same Becca that caused the world to end the first time and inadvertently caused the plot of the whole show to happen. The same Becca whose AI was very invested in Bellarke relationship drama. I digress

Fast forward ~250 years later, Josie is a bubbly psychopath (she sad endearingly). And Gabriel actually noped the fuck out of this eugenics oblation camp 70 years prior. This caused Josie to become even colder and more ruthless, she doubled down after she realised that the love of her life had become disgusted by her. She does no longer remember how it feels to be loved or how did it feel TO love someone as she did Gabriel. One day, She wakes up and discovered she was put in the body of the iconic Clarke "Ferrari" Griffin herself. She thinks she will get away with the (not successful) murder of her because she has a lot to offer her friends in return, namely immortality, territory, and all the intel about the planet they had gathered. BUT BUT BUT she did not expect one Bellamy Goddamn Blake a.k.a the love of Clarke's life.

He is the first one to realize that Clarke is not Clarke. He is the first one to realize that Clarke is ALIVE. By seeing Clarke memories Josie knows that what would be likely to make Clarke stop trying is the belief that Bellamy gave up on her. BITCH YOU THOUGHT

So she experiences Bellamy DRAGGING her on forest floor and being gentle with her body at the same time because it is CLARKE's body. While they are in a cave she teases him about his relationship with Clarke, then reminisces about Gabriel and gets all sappy, and then by taunting Bellamy she hears "I wont let you die" and let me tell you SHE'S SHOOk. SHE FORGOT. SHE FORGOT YOU COULD LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH. SHE FORGOT YOU COULD BE LOVED SO MUCH. IT PROBABLY REMINDS HER OF HOW GABRIEL ONCE WAS DEVOTED TO HER AND T SHAKES HER TO THE CORE.

Fast forward to Bellamy showing up Just In Time, undercover (as is his favorite past time) Josie says mockingly "because of course it s" BUT YOU KNOW SHE'S IMPRESSED. Then, The Tent, o man, THE TENT. Josie, probably slowly accepting that this might really be her end, admits to Bellamy in the softest voice "she was right to depend on you" And then she pleads with Gabriel and it's heartbreaking because yes she's a villain, she's a eugenist, a psycho, even simply Evil, probably BUT ONCE SHE WAS A BRILLIANT, RESOURCEFUL, CONFIDENT YOUNG WOMAN LIKE CLARKE. AND SHE JUST WANTED TO GROW OLD WITH GABRIEL. AND GABRIEL TELLS HER I LOVED YOU FOR CENTURIES AND BELLAMY'S FACE AND JOSIE GOT TO HAVE TO SPEND HER LAST MOMENTS WITH GABRIEL THANKS TO BELLAMY AND CLARKE AND IT GIVES HER STRENGTH TO KIND OF ACCEPT DEATH, PERMANENTLY "IN THIS BIG SLEEP, WHAT DREAMS MAY COME" "I HAVE TO LET YOU GO NOW" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NA DTHEn AND THEN WE HAVE THE CPR SCENE "I NEED YOU" "YOU'RE A FIGHTER SO GET UP AND FIGHT" "I AM NOT LETTING YOU GO" MOUTH TO MOUTH, TRUE LOVE"S KISS And Clarke looks at him like he hung the stars in the sky. Bellamy looks at her like he is the only star in his sky. And they save their friends. again. And they Do Better.

Cause they are better. together. And they are SO.POWERFUL

Their relationship literally transcends centuries and planets. Wow this is long. My legs are tired from sitting in one position. Who made it till the end?

[compacflt]

Would you ever consider writing about a different path Ice and Mav could take, one where they choose to leave the Navy and pursue a more open relationship and civilian life? Thinking it would be easier but maybe the sacrifice to their careers brings its own challenges?

(hi, jan 2024 me here, this was an ask that I answered when it was sent in in May 2023 & didn't post because I felt I actually answered it fictionally in the "icedad" one-shot the week after [and you can obviously see how these thoughts affected the writing of other pieces like "tremors & aftershocks"], but I still mostly agree with this take [though it's a little overgeneralizing] & I think it sums up a lot of my final "meta" modern-military-theory thoughts on ice & mav & their relationship, so im posting it now before I post the compacflt masterpoast)

see,… the thing is, i just… can’t see that happening!! i have no idea how to write that!!! Maybe i really do have a lack of imagination. But i can’t see that happening for a number of reasons. So short answer, no.

Long answer (and it’s long):

1. lame reason to start out, but it, uh, it’s canon that ice ends up at O-10 and mav ends up at O-6. not saying that im beholden to canon obviously (my mav ends up at O-7 and my ice ends up alive) but I do base my characterizations of them on the implications of the political struggles of both their careers so… taking away ice’s fourth star is basically starting from square one wrt my characterization of him. which is a lot of work. i could start from the beginning with a top gun 1986 ice who knows he’s gay—that would be a fun AU (i think other people than me have definitely done that better, though—I’m a one-trick pony). So if that’s what you mean then disregard the rest of this post. but if what you mean is a divergence from my existing work (i.e. homophobic/rank-climbing ice&mav) then… yeah, can’t see that happening, for further reasons below.

2. wrt my characterization of him: it’s based on a broad historical overview of armed service officers and the expectations of their careers. in my view, high-ranking officers aren’t after power—or maybe they started their careers wanting power, but somewhere down the line, it just becomes an expectation. if you do everything right and follow all the rules, you are expected by the institution to lead, whether you want to or not. That’s just the pipeline. at some point you start losing agency. which is what I mean when I keep saying ice doesn’t have a choice in advancing his career (besides the meta fact that this is fanfiction and canon demands that he have 4 stars lol)—high ranking military officers are continually and continually groomed for bigger and better positions; and the longer they spend in the military, the harder it is to leave that lifestyle for something else. And with ice’s canonical (and characteristically INTEGRAL, as I mentioned a week or so ago) refusal to rebel against the wishes of the navy as an institution, plus this historical expectation to lead placed upon the shoulders of excelling officers, I really do think ice is destined for four stars & nothing less, even if it gives him chronic depression. It’s his highest priority not because he wants it to be, but because…it just is. that’s how the institutionalized system of advancement in the military works. it just is. it has to be.

3. I mentioned in this post that I can’t ever see a foot in the door with them talking about their relationship unless maverick dies and is resurrected, and I feel the exact same way about them & their retirement plans. There’s a lot that ice and mav don’t talk about: the biggest one is obviously Goose’s death, the foundation of their relationship; but also their love for each other obv, what they did to rooster, AND their careers, which have to end at some point. Them talking about everything is totally inevitable, it was gonna have to happen eventually before they died, and I think one foot in the door MIGHT have been them eventually talking about retirement (someone sent in a prompt asking for this exactly & i am brainstorming it furiously) but before the Navy FORCES them to retire… i think they would studiously avoid talking about it. For a couple reasons: a) what does retiring with each other mean? living in the same house until they die together? hard to do if you’re just good friends. talking about retirement is tantamount to talking about Them. and b) what are they gonna do outside the navy? Ice has a lot of options, as I mentioned in the slider one-shot—general/flag officers are SUPER sought after in leadership/intelligentsia/management positions post service, so maybe if he were offered a crazy cool civilian position somewhere in San Diego in like the 2000s he would quit the navy for it… but what about maverick? I have no idea what a non-navy mav would do. Civilian airline pilot? Hoo boy. I think he’d hate that. I could maybe see emergency helicopter pilot, lol, or race car driver (i just watched days of thunder can you tell?) but none of the above offers the institutionalized honor the navy does (that, as a reminder, he *killed people* to obtain in the first place). I suggested his test piloting expertise would make him an attractive technical advising candidate to A&D companies like Boeing, LockMart, GD, etc. so that might be one option. But it might have been kind of a touchy subject for him before he racked up the expertise he’d need for those high-level civilian positions… the navy was kinda his only option. So they wouldn’t talk about it because it might hurt his feelings.

4. The biggest reason: again… open rebellion like rocking the boat by quitting the navy to be in an open long-term gay relationship, in upper mil brass ranks, and even retired upper mil brass ranks, just… isn’t done. And REALLY wasn’t done in the 2000s, when i think the scenario in this ask is positioned. And it’s not like “oh but whatever who cares about the navy, ice and mav are in love, they deserve to be happy no matter what, they should do what they want, fuck the navy…” no. Ice and Mav care about the navy. Clearly. Canonically. By necessity. The military requires cohesion and on some level repression of individuality & personal expression to FUNCTION, even when you’re retired. Yes, maverick certainly strains against that repression (which is why you Could spin top gun as an anti-military franchise if you were desperate enough), but he rebels through his ACTIONS (stupid plane maneuvers) not through his personal IDENTITY. his personal identity (headstrong overtly masculine white male pilot, whether gay or straight who cares) is NEVER challenged throughout the franchise (i.e. no one really challenges his masculinity specifically) & his personal identity does not POSE a challenge to the navy. Both he and ice in their outward-facing personal identities really fit in quite neatly to the navy’s overarching identity & contribute to the navy’s cohesion in a way that is favorable to both their careers and the establishment. Lack of imagination or not… i can’t see a universe in which Ice and mav would actively WANT to rock the boat and wreck the navy’s cohesion and their reputations for an open relationship and definitively rebellious personal identities, with the obvious caveat being Maverick’s death recontextualizing both their priorities (yes we’re in love AND we’ve finally proven ourselves to be ultra-capable officers regardless of our sexuality so no one has a license to judge us anymore etc.).

And also, they’re not enlisted seamen. Nor are they mediocre officers who have the luxury of fading into obscurity. Things are different when you’re that high in the ranks, and when your job publicly matters more. sorry, but even post DADT (probably until about biden’s election), an open relationship would end their careers. They might not be fired, but they’d never be promoted again. Too much of a liability getting subordinates to still respect them, from the higher-ups’ perspective, especially if there are other qualified candidates who fit the navy’s core identity better. Like—sorry. This is such a jaded oversimplification. But if you rock the boat like that (i.e. break the service’s united front to be individualistic in a way that does not match the service’s overarching identity), from the perspective of your officer peers, you simply are a bad officer. Being an open individual in a job where you are required to fit in and represent your service is not your job. You are not doing your job well. Straight-up. Even if you’re retired. I met US Army 4-star gen. David Petraeus (retired obv) in February—he led the successful-ish surge in iraq and Afghanistan in the mid-2000s—and he’s STILL a laughingstock for his disastrous affair with his biographer a decade ago, even after he retired from AD service. That’s what people remember him for, not the fact that he was one of our only successful commanders in any of our Middle East campaigns.

Something like that might be one of ice and mav’s worst fears—being known for their affair/scandal instead of the institutionalized honor they’ve fought and killed for. That kind of thing just Isn’t Done. It's bad taste. You have to keep it quiet. If you’re an officer representing the service, you have to represent it well & according to the service’s preconceived identity, even in retirement. (see, for another shitty example of "not fitting in" even in retirement, Lt. gen. Mike Flynn [his whole scandal is actually kinda geopolitically relevant to my fic if you squint lol] whom everyone fucking hates)

To summarize: i hope I’m not mischaracterizing your ask when i reframe it like this—would you ever write ice and mav without the institutionalized pressure to advance in rank and conform to institutional norms?

and yes, I would (and will if you ask—it looks like this: ice & mav meet & fall in love & it’s boring and fine. end of story), but I guarantee you someone else already has. I’m all about interrogation of institutional norms here. And i think until maverick dies & comes back from the dead, there is absolutely no *REALISTIC* incentive for ice & mav to leave the navy and/or have an open relationship. Like it’s just not possible. Idk how else to say it.

[donnerpartyofone]

Even though it pains me that my expensive new phone's camera refuses to focus on an entire close-up image, even a flat one, and I am assured by many forums and reddits and the like that I'm doing it right and this camera just sucks, I will still share one of the great, sadly uncredited illos from my little old copy of Ray Bradbury's The Golden Apples of the Sun (great title stolen from a Yeats poem).

I've never read any Bradbury before, except for Fahrenheit 451 in high school which I compared so unfavorably with 1984 that I maybe didn't give it a fair try. Anyway, some of these short stories are good--or parts of them are, individually. I find him overly flowery at times, like he'll start out with a really strong description that catches my interest, but then he ruins it by continuing to add adjectives and similes just to be novel, and it's like buddy you nailed it a minute ago, what are you doing to yourself? And a lot of it is excessively sentimental in this kind of condescending way. For me the perfect example of his affect (so far) is a story where about 90% of it is just this beautiful description of a guy walking around in the suburbs on a November night, it's just captivating and the pleasure the character takes in this activity is so vividly conveyed--but then at the last minute it turns into this thing about how he's being thrown in a mental institution because he likes to go outside and read books instead of watching TV all the time, and it's just so smug and obnoxious.

There's a certain trend in science fiction, maybe it's partially his fault but it seems like a natural temptation, to congratulate the present, or even the recent past, for being so wholesome and righteous. Which is like, dystopia is a trope that I enjoy for sure, but there's a difference between saying "Humanity could be headed in a bad direction due to certain vices and imbalances," and saying "Humanity should leave everything exactly the way it is right now (or the way it was in my romanticized memories of my own childhood) because it's already perfect." It's very easy to become hyper-conservative and self-satisfied about your personal good old days. I wish I had a bunch of examples at the ready, I'm sure you can think of some or you'll notice it next time you see one, but very often the hinge issue is books. Like even as a reader and also a writer, I feel a little insulted by stories where ultimate virtue is exemplified by a character's love of reading, or villains are clearly identified because they hate books for whatever reason. OK, we get it, you're better than everybody else because you write! Good thing we're in the club too, how else could we be reading a book right now if we weren't inherently superior to the rest of the universe?

Anyway, the story this illo is from got me thinking about the notion of prescience in fiction. Like once in a while you get truly weird visions of the future (I just wrote this thing about futuristic frissons in each of the Cronenberg kids' first films), but I suspect that sometimes what seems to be a prophecy of the future is really just an acknowledgment of something inevitable. "The Murderer" takes place in a future where there is absolutely constant stimulation being broadcast from every quarter; all of life is one big billboard, there's no relief from being in constant electronic contact with everyone you know, and there's entertainment blasting out of everywhere in a continuous onslaught of overstimulation. The title character starts "murdering" all the devices, and all the stuff in his smart home, until he gets institutionalized. And on the most obvious level it's just Bradbury congratulating himself for being such a balanced and thoughtful person, again, but it's also like well, all that stuff was really coming. And did Bradbury really need to be (as they called him) the Greatest Living Science Fiction Writer in order to see it coming? Or was it just obvious, from ordinary trends in human behavior, that life would inevitably tend toward this state of constant connectivity and constant stimulation, with an eventual eradication of peace and privacy?

I used to like to listen to Damien Echols talk about all his occult learnings from his monastic existence in prison, and something he would say (he probably got this from somewhere else and I missed it) is that a prophet is not someone who predicts the future; a prophet is a person who understands the past. This made a lot of sense to me, that if you're sharp enough to see what generally happens, it's easy enough to see where things are headed. I think this is probably true of a lot of fiction we'd call prescient-- that if you look closely, it becomes clear that what it describes is sadly obvious.

[snakebites-and-ink]

Chapter 3: Start of a New Life

Masterlist

CW: Institutionalized slavery

Westwater looked surprisingly normal from the outside. Big, certainly, but not as extravagant as you’d expect from someplace selling to the richest people.

Nolan was brought inside and taken to an office.

The man in there introduced himself. “My name is Mr. Wynn, I’m just gonna go over a few things with you before we get you set up.”

“Alright.”

“So, you’re Nolan, right?”

Nolan nodded. “Yes.”

“Good, good,” Mr. Wynn said, shuffling through some paperwork. “Now, we have our superhumans go by only their first name. It helps protect their families if they end up being in public eye a lot or with an owner who’s not so good at boundaries and too rich and powerful to be told no. I know it’ll require some habit-breaking, but I’d like you to refrain from sharing your last name from here on out.”

“I can do that.” Nolan couldn’t help but wonder if it was also to distance them from their past, but even if so there wasn’t much to do about that.

“Great. Now, what’s your power?”

“I can create and direct electricity.”

Mr. Wynn pulled out one of his papers. “Can you only direct electricity you’re generating, or can you manipulate any electricity?”

“Some of both, but I have much better control if I’ve generated it.”

Wynn wrote something down. “Can you demonstrate?” he asked as he looked back up.

"Mhmm," Nolan nodded. He spread his hands and sent an arc of electricity between them. 

“Can you generate more than that?”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea to do that indoors.”

Wynn asked Nolan a few more questions. Once he was presumably finished with what he needed to go over verbally and fill out himself, he took out a few new papers and handed them to Nolan. “I have a few questionnaires for you to fill out so we can tailor your experience appropriately. Be honest; if you lie, you’ll regret it eventually.”

That was a little ominous. Nolan took the forms and started filling them out. Once done, he handed them to Mr. Wynn, who took them and said, “Great. That’s all I need from you for now. Lewis will show you to where you’ll be staying.” He gestured where Nolan needed to go.

The person he met seemed friendly, and more high-energy than Wynn. After exchanging greetings, Nolan asked, “Are you Lewis?”

“Yes, but it would be better if you called me ‘sir.’ We’re kind of sticklers for respect here in Westwater.”

“...Okay, sir,” Nolan responded with a hint of bemusement. He supposed that made sense though, given the purpose of this place.

Lewis gave him a dazzling smile in return. “Come on.”

He led Nolan to presumably where he was going to live now. On the way, Lewis pointed out various locations and explained a few details to give Nolan a feel for where everything was and prepare him for living here.

Nolan was shown to his new room. It looked like a fairly normal dormitory, and was a shared space with some other trainees. They introduced themselves. One was in Nolan’s same year: his name was Augustus.

“You’ll be expected to be up no later than 7 am every weekday, and classes start at 8 am sharp. We have a strict tardy policy so don’t be late. Weekends have a more lax schedule, but you’ll still have duties, so don’t expect them to be free days,” Lewis said. He handed Nolan a small stack of what looked like brochures and sheets of paper. “I’ll leave you to settle in now. The rest of the information you might need should be in here. If you have any questions, feel free to ask your roommates or an available instructor.”

Taglist: @whumped-by-glitter, @catnykit

[not-goldy]

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nationalheraldindia.com/amp/story/international/skorean-cabinet-passes-bills-to-allow-single-people-to-adopt

Simple

It's only been 1 yr since this new ammendment. And it's gonna be even easier in 10- 15 years as single parent system is increasing rapidly because most korean woman wants to get married/get pregnant and birth rate is declining. So if he wants kids while also being with JK.. all he wants to do is adopt a baby while being single dad officially. He satisfies all official criteria as of now.. he got money and influence which makes legal processes easier and makes him 10x privileged than average single parent.

Do you all really think Jikook 'luckily' won that lottery system to enlist together? Be fr. They might have started the procedures in August but I bet they didn't had to go through 'computer lottery selection'.. they got power, they got money, they got influence, they are governments fav child who they want to finish service fast and start milking, they will be promoted two times faster than average soldier, they will be appointed as head roles in their camps, they will be allowed for companion enlistment if they applied for that, THEY ARE BTS... ONE OF THE PROMINENT PEOPLE IN SK. If SK government approved a Korean queer couple to enlist together and turned a blind eye towards all those protests against it... they don't mind Park Jimin adopting a baby while being in a relationship with Jeon Jungkook. All they want is a official record signing Park Jimin is a single parent, just to make legal sides clear... with whom he's raising that kid is not their concern.

Yea I'm done with them.

They know and admit Jikook have privilege and power but fail to see how and where that privilege and power works in their favor.

Personally I don't want them to just adopt, although any child they adopt would be so lucky- and my goodness would it be nice if they adopt children of different races😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I will uproot my life and volunteer as nanny with no pay for the rest of my life. I will take care of them kids like they are the most precious beings on this earth🥺

I do want to see their own biological kids too you know?

A Mini Min with his father's eyes and lips and if they turn out even more androgynous with big booty then what😩

Also they will be so loved by us BTS and their kids🥺

One wrote in and said, well single father has nothing to do with Jungkook. They think JM would have to cut Jungkook out of his life at some point in order to live a traditional life.

They are very very highly ignorant if that's what they think. Jungkook will forever be a part of JMs life unless they fall out of love at some point- and even then they would be very good friends too.

Like I said it's his choice and he certainly has options if all that is in his way is institutionalized homophobia.

They came up with a travel documentary as an excuse to go on a trip together before serving they can certainly come up with a billion other creative ways to enjoy a fulfilling life together.

If not, then all the more reason for them to enjoy it while it last. What is it JK says, make hay while the sun shine.

Two years ago I almost broke up with my girl for good because of these uncertainties. I knew I didn't want children, didn't even consider let alone desire marriage because coming from a very conservative Christian black home, that's not an option to marry a woman. You can't be gay and you can't be unmarried and childless. And for me, those who know think it's some sort of phase I will outgrow once I'm faced with reality.

So while I am this way, hiding the truth of what I am from people in my life, openly living in my truth when I'm away from my family- I'm learning to stand up to them. To confront them with my truths without shame and with confidence.

I'm not hiding anymore- may be a little. Lol. But I'm not making excuses anymore. I'm not telling them, I'm still young I'll worry about that latter. I'm not saying, she's just a good friend. That the rumors are false. That I'm waiting for the right one, that I haven't found the right man- I'm not saying all that anymore.

I may not able to tell it as it is but I'm telling exactly what it is not.

No I don't want a wedding but yes I do want life long commitment and I want legal rights with it dammit

I want consistent immutable inalienable rights and that is more important to me than having kids getting married and all that other stuff.

I want to be able to live my life in peace and not worry about changing laws that give one minute and take away the next.

I want freedom. I want paradise.

and may be one day I'll want children may be I won't.

I want what I want and I don't want what I don't want. I'm manifesting for myself through positive affirmations.

Nothing is as black and white as they make it seem.

And I'm cautious in this discourse because some have committed suicide rather than "face reality" or choose to conform to these societal standards they are perpetuating and wielding over jikook's heads.

They are perpetuating the very thing oppressing us and the very thing we spend most of our lives fighting.

They are not saying if Jikook are gay this system would be a challenge for them as it has been for others, they are saying this is the system and Jikook have no right to go against it. This is the system, they must conform to the status quo as many queer men have and they will.

There's something oppresive, sinister and disturbing about that to me. The lengths they will sink to to invalidate Jikook is crazy.

On the flip side, pointing out Jikook's privileges too too much also alienates them and puts a target on their backs as we might make it look as if they would not have to face all the many real struggles others face due to their sexual orientation in SK. It's a lose lose situation however you look at it.

It's their life their choice and whatever they choose to do is very valid. I'm sorry to Jikook they have to deal with this and I pray things get better in SK over time as you have rightfully pointed out.

I stand with Jikook and every queer person in that system. Things are a bit better today compared to years ago but boy are they living in the vip region of hell.

And Bang PD's advice to that artist about the challenges he would face if he chooses to live his truth and wear heels will always give me comfort especially the fact he was willing to help him make it work in his career in spite of the odds against him

I know, there are people close to jikook with the same mentality. They know the "reality" and situation on the ground, they empathize with them, are willing to direct them on how to make it work if they choose this path and so they don't feel isolated.

Please help me support Jikook okay? Stay with them to the end, pray for them love them fight for them.

The challenges they face, I wish I could say it's all just fiction, it's real, it's dangerous, it's traumatizing, the mental turmoil alone is

Sigh.

Support Jikook. Jikook is real.

[queersatanic]

I've been smashing that follow button on whichever platform I see you after reading your takedown of TST. Because of that being my first impression of you, I thought something like "huh, that's pretty cool, an actual Satanist calling out the bullshit of the guys that just use the label to be assholes", assuming you (with "satanic" in your handle) derive your own values from a Satanist ethos, surely Laveyan. Then I just read your post on LaVey himself (brilliant as well) and I basically was left with the question of how exactly does satanism look like to you? Clearly it's not a larp, but it's also not the "actual" (or shall I say "Main-Stream") brand of it, the goal of which as I've come to understand it being basically to become a Bad Motherfucker.

I haven't looked if you've actually written something about that, do let me know if you have. Went for an Ask so I can let you know I am a big fan 😁

Spite and self-worship are probably always going to be some of the root animating forces of anyone's conception of satanism, and that's true for ours too. In our case, that's not just spite against White Christian Morality, but also spite against TST for being Scientology for mall goths, and spite against COS for both its historical chumminess and outright endorsement of reactionary tendencies, and also for its intellectually bankrupt charade that the adulation of power for its own sake should somehow be considered "apolitical." TST and COS are both just competing for hegemony on a smaller scale, both of them are perfectly sincere and legitimate expressions of satanism (and we mean that as an insult to satanism) - and we spite them both for being deliberately, institutionally unable to address any of the myriad crises facing the world today, and particularly the crises faced by the people most immediately and constantly threatened by the Christian nationalists for whom satanism ostensibly exists to confront and depower.

As to the self-worship part? For us, this isn't actually terribly difficult to reconcile with our unabashedly leftist positions on the world. No one is an island. My ability to become my best self is contingent, at least in part, on the society in which I live, and the material conditions that exist therein. Your mileage may vary of course, but I don't think it's contradictory at all to say that in the pursuit of my self-interest and my own apotheosis, my satanism obliges me from time to time to also pursue the ascendance and wellbeing of the people around me. There is just no good reason that my wellbeing and that of others inherently have to be in competition with each other, and I think it's great to be self-indulgent enough to reject that as a false dichotomy, and to pursue both as its own form of self-worship.

I think a big part of what it means to be a satanist in this light is to be critical, often to the point of hostility, to the arrangement of the world as it is today. The powers that be put incredible amounts of energy not just into committing atrocities, but also in conditioning the rest of us that these atrocities are justified in the pursuit of profit, efficiency, the so-called right of states to exist, whatever. We are conditioned to never be so audacious as to expect these atrocities not to occur in the first place, and that we should accept atrocities as the background noise of regular life lest we be doing "purity politics" by demanding better. But this is just a modernized divine right of kings - at the end of the day, it is a deliberate project to stunt the political imaginations of billions of people into thinking that There Is No Alternative even as the oceans boil. And that is a project that we should not only reject as satanists, but whose mechanisms and reproduction we should actively sabotage, at the very least, as an expression of self-defense.

To quote the late Michael Brooks - "Be kind to people, and ruthless to systems." That's a better summation of what our satanism means than anything LaVey ever said.

[waitmyturtles]

Alright. I’m all caught up on The Eighth Sense. WHOA. Whoa. WHOA. Good. Lord. 

First off, before all the theories: this is obviously a really fantastic show, by way of the soundtrack; the use of silence; the cinematography and very varied filming styles; the use of LIGHT and lighting; the film editing and smart, sharp editing cuts (more on this in a sec), and the utterly, UTTERLY amazing acting. CHOPS, we are seeing CHOPS in a show that’s just reducing the usual K-drama tropes to DUST. WOW, KOREA. KOREA SHOWED THE HELLLLLLL UP for this one. This is like zeitgeist-level stuff.

And, oh my god. The kissing scene in the waves. The scene in bed. My heart was taken away. The last scenes, the storm coming in, the waves getting higher and higher, Jae Won yelling Ji Hyun’s name. WHOA.

I know from what I’ve reblogged so far that these points are all being discussed, and I have yet to really dig into the tag because I need to process all of this out in writing first, so I’ll do tag and conversation-digging over the rest of today and tomorrow and re-group with the fam. But working in part from my last post after episode 5, I’ll offer a couple thoughts and theories now, because I just need to get them down, whoa. 

I want to set some macro context for myself first, to kind of do a journey map on my understanding of Jae Won. From the start, his friends talk about how Jae Won’s dad is a big shot. Jae Won’s life is supposedly set: if you know about chaebol, you’ll know how controversial it is in Korea (many, MANY K-dramas feature chaebol, including Crash Landing On You and the much more recent Why Her?). It’s controversial because, of course, you always wonder if the "right” people are taking over a business, not by way of merit or talent, but only by way of inheritance (peep the “nutgate” incident with Korean Air as an example) (it’s INSANE) (chaebol is INSANE).

So Jae Won’s friends are, in my view, seething with jealousy that Jae Won has his life set. His dad is prepping Jae Won to take over. Jae Won is rich, good-looking, smart, and the ladies love him. 

That’s a lot of pressure for Jae Won. Putting together that his younger brother died, and he’s seeing a therapist, and that it was his parents that had originally sent him to therapy, and it’s indicated that he’s drug-dependent: I do believe, as many of the fam does, that what we’re watching in many of these scenes are dissociations and/or hallucinations. I do believe that, particularly by way of how the show is edited, with REALLY sharp cuts, scenes ending awkwardly and jumpily, scenes filmed in really fuzzy and weirdly lit ways, and threading pieces of scenes together in inconsistently-told ways. The hand-holding scene on the outdoor steps earlier in the series, and how it’s changed by a quick edit when the guys are shown NOT holding hands while walking on the sidewalk right after. I feel like the editing of the show serves as a correction for the jumps happening in Jae Won’s mind and memory.

I offered a theory in my last post that Jae Won might not have gone to the military at all while he was out of school -- that he was instead institutionalized. I set that theory in part on his therapist referencing a previous hospital stint, and on something he said in episode 4: “I just came back from the army. My sense is not on point.” When I first heard him say that, it didn’t smell right to me, as I thought that acclimating back to society after the military was more common for Korean men as almost all Korean men have to get drafted. But I’ve changed my mind somewhat after convos with the wonderful @emotionallychargedtowel and @stl29tide in the comments of that post, with ECT mentioning in part that it’s very common for returning soldiers to experience difficulties while re-acclimating back to society.

So I’m now caught between two theories here, and I wonder if either can be applicable.

Theory 1) I do still think it’s plausible that Jae Won didn’t go to the military while he was away from school -- I think it’s plausible that he could have been institutionalized, but I’m less sure about that now, after the convos with ECT and S2T (thank you BOTH for your insights!). 

Theory 2) Jae Won DID indeed go to the military, but his difficulties re-acclimating -- VERY MUCH ALONG with his other present issues -- have contributed to a serious dissociation episode in episode 6. This is likely more plausible.

Both theories are linked by yet another opinion. I believe that when Jae Won woke up after his bender in episode 5, he dissociated after his dad began knocking on his door and yelling. I’m not sure if the camera breaking was in the dissociation or in reality, but I believe the entire beach trip in episode 6 was part of the dissociation triggered by Jae Won’s dad and the pressures that Jae Won’s dad represents. I believe the utterly gorgeous filming style, the lighting, the weird jump to sleeping inside on a bed from the beach, the inconsistent scenes from morning on the beach, to surfing, to sex, to surfing again, to possible drowning -- I believe all of that is meant to be representative of dissociation.

Whew. Okay. Another theory. I do believe that Jae Won’s dad/family sent Jae Won to therapy in high school, possibly after his little brother’s death. I also still believe, as I posited in my last post, that Jae Won’s therapy could be a form of conversion therapy. Why do I think this?

(I just want to say that I keep repeating “I believe” because, y’all -- I totally think this entire series could be one big dissociation. Fight Club-like. So I’m trying to grasp at what I think is real-ish by indicating those factors as such.)

I can’t find it.... damn it, I can’t find it, but someone posted about the bed scene, and how Ji Hyun seemed more comfortable than Jae Won in bed. How Ji Hyun actually seemed/seems more comfortable in his queerness than Jae Won. (If anyone can link me to that post, I would be forever grateful!)

That REALLY got me thinking. I thought that was SO SMART, and I rewatched the scene to confirm that I agree there, which I do. 

Another piece of evidence to this theory, as I mentioned in the comments of that last post, is when the therapist says in episode 5: as Jae Won talks about Ji Hyun (or....at least....we *think* he’s talking about Ji Hyun), the therapist says “I hope you can build a good relationship without crossing the line.”

Now. BEFORE episode 6, where Jae Won talked about his little brother, I wondered why Jae Won was in therapy. It was STATED that he was there because of high school pressures. But the ways in which that therapist has been presented have been so weird. Like in episode 1 -- in only the SECOND scene of the entire series -- we see the therapist joking around, saying “For God’s sake, just tell me what your worries are!” and then giggling. I mean -- um, maybe they have a good rapport, but that’s definitely not how *I* learned how a therapist should act in grad school, ha. (I’d LOVE @emotionallychargedtowel‘s thoughts on the therapist’s bedside manner if you’re up to it -- no pressure at all.)

After putting together the chaebol deal with Jae Won’s dad, and that his family sent him to therapy in high school, and that the therapist talked about him being in a hospital in episode 5, AND that line about “[not] crossing a line” -- all of this screams to me of Jae Won’s family trying to “set him straight,” if you will. I seriously wonder.... if Jae Won became drug dependent vis à vis his therapist because his family needs him to be “normal” to take over the family business. I wonder if Jae Won, with EVERYTHING he might be holding -- from his queerness, to potential guilt related to his little brother, to the PRESSURES of being the family heir -- was either PUSHED to be drug dependent to fall in line, or has fallen into addiction as a result of those pressures.

I... would not put either of these theories past a domineering chaebol family.

Finally. After re-watching the very first scene of the series, and the very last scene of episode 6, and seeing how they’re the same, it all seriously makes me wonder if everything that we’ve seen so far is one big dream sequence. 

IN OTHER WORDS, Y’ALL. HOLY SHIT. Anything and everything is possible in this absolute MASTERPIECE of a show.

Other quick notes before I stop:

1) I stan Joon Pyo and Ae Ri -- MVPs. They care for our boy! (....if Ji Hyun even exists.)

2) Jung Seo In, who plays Ji Hyun’s boss, was also in Where Your Eyes Linger (I knew I recognized her!).

3) I’ve seen so many posts referencing the AMAZZZZINNNGGG music of this show, placed and edited SO WELL, and I just want to say that I am loving all the analyses.

Okay, phew, that’s all I got. I’m on the train with y’all for the rest of this ride. 

(@lurkingshan, tag tag!)

[my-own-walker]

Hi! Please could you write an angst about reader taking care of Kit Walker after a caning punishment? Thank you v much!

I'm Always Gonna Be Where You Are

note: i think i've used this gif before...idk tho. thanks 4 tha request!

warnings: angst, mentions of death, violence

+++

637 days in.

I was beginning to think I would spend more days in than I had out. Before I was brought in. Before my whole life was thrown away. Before I became an ornament on the asylum's cold stone walls.

I found solace in the people around me. The people who understood. One Kit Walker stood out as someone I could say anything to. I would have done anything for him. I would have walked backward off a cliff while blindfolded for him if he asked.

He was, similarly to me, wrongfully locked in Briarcliff for a misunderstanding. I was thoroughly convinced of his innocence. And I knew for a fact that even if he did do it, and was a narcissistic manipulator and pathological liar, I'd still love him.

I never told him, though, 637 days into my stay, I still hadn't told him. 637 days into my imprisonment, I found out my mother died. 637 days in, the person who had wrongfully locked me in, the only person who could get me out, my only family, was dead.

The news came abruptly from Sister Jude. A nonchalant delivery of the most devastating news I had ever heard. An addendum to the barking of orders.

'LIGHTS OUT! Oh, and your mother's dead.'

An exaggeration of events, for sure. Nonetheless, it felt just as cruel. Soulless. I was subhuman to the individuals that ran the place.

On day 638, I met Kit in the common room in the morning, collapsing into a quiet fit of sobs in his arms. Any louder, and I would have been restrained and sedated. I wasn't mourning my mother. I was mourning my freedom. The prospect of my release.

Kit held me close, sitting next to me on one of the many sofas in the room. The upholstered fabric scratched into my arm any time I brushed against it. Another reminder that comfort was not a right, but a luxury here.

He just held me as I cried.

'I will get us out of here,' Kit muttered into my ear. 'Whatever it takes.'

His optimism and drive were two of the reasons I kept him so close. He possessed two things I had lost very early on in my institutionalization.

The couch shifted in pressure. Someone had sat on the other side of me. I didn't even care to look up.

'Not now, Spivey,' Kit gritted.

'We could go halfsies on hah,' Spivey taunted. 'She's quite a doll.'

'Don't be fucking disgusting,' Kit muttered.

I lifted my head from its cozy spot nestled in Kit's chest and grimaced as I felt just how close Spivey was sitting next to me. To my abject horror, I watched as the man unbuttoned his pants and began to reach his hand inside.

It all happened so fast. Kit sprang from my side and grabbed Spivey by his collar, bringing him to his feet pathetically. The pervert's hand was still in his pants when Kit slammed him back down to the ground. A sickening thud cracked through the space. Silence filled the room, then the sounds of the other patients getting rowdy. Two orderlies dressed in white rushed onto the scene, restraining Kit and administering a dose of something via syringe into his arm. He was dragged away without a struggle into the hallway.

I didn't even have time to react in the slightest. I sat perched on the edge of the sofa Kit and I had shared just minutes ago, staring at the door Kit just disappeared through, tears threatening to fall once again. I sat there numbly for the rest of common room time.

When they ushered us back to our rooms, or cells, more like, my eyes darted around to find the boy who came to my rescue twice in one day. Moving through the front lobby toward the cells, I looked up the stairs toward Sister Jude's office. I watched as Kit was shoved out of the door, bound by his hands, a look of anguish on his face. His punishment was through, and it was all for me.

+

I laid awake, my soul wracked with guilt after lights-out. I couldn't bear thinking about the pain Kit must have been in. All because of me.

Briarcliff was a funny place. It was old. There were tons of ways around the run-down, disgusting corridors. One funny thing I found was a way to get out of the rooms. As long as you weren't restrained, a simple clothes hanger, hairpin, or matchstick could be enough to unlock the door from the inside.

Unlatching the lock, I was careful to not make any revealing sounds that would indicate my escape. I tiptoed carefully through the halls toward Kit's room. This was a routine of ours. I would regularly meet him in his cell after hours.

I peered through the window in his door. He was lying on his side on his bed, hands still bound behind him. I couldn't see his face to make out his expression. The bed's blankets weren't even covering him.

'Kit!' I whisper-yelled. His head shifted slightly.

'Y/N?' he groaned.

'I'm gonna come in, is that okay?' I replied.

'I've never wanted you here more.'

I jimmied the lock and opened the door slowly. It closed behind me with a tiny click. His hands twitched slightly as I worked to remove the straps keeping them together. He had leather burns on his wrists. His hands were cold from lack of circulation. As soon as I broke them free and Kit was turned to lay on his back, I held them close to my chest to warm them up.

Kit's face contorted in pain. He shifted uncomfortably in his bed. Being on his back caused him pain. I silently kicked myself for not remembering the punishment he was dealt earlier.

'Oh, sorry Kit,' I muttered, standing up to allow him to shift himself to a more comfortable position.

'They smacked the shit out of me this time,' he laughed sardonically. I returned to my seat next to him on the bed once he had moved. I ran my hand through his hair, curling the light, soft tresses in my fingers. The strands bounced back into position so delicately. It felt like a metaphor for his humanity.

I leaned down to gently kiss his forehead. He looked up at me with his deep brown eyes, his velvet gaze embracing my soul.

'I love you, Y/N,' Kit purred.

'I love you more,' I replied. I lay in the small bed, in front of Kit's form, inviting him to hug me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in closer.

'You're all I needed. Just you with me,' he murmured.

'Where I'll always be,' I sighed.

+++

Le fin, or whateva.

[aropride]

Saw this in my reblogs and I'm bored give the rant bestie

oh my god okay so. in class the other day we were going over the chapter on ocd and one of my classmates had his presentation and it was very good, factually accurate, he mentioned different types of obsessions other than contamination, etc . and our professor is like Ok he did a good job but we'll go thru my slideshow to see if there's anything else to cover. and she lovesss group activities and discussions so much so she had us break into our small groups and talk abt how we'd help treat a person with ocd and there were three hypothetical people. there was maya who had obsessions around cleanliness, alex who had obsessions around harm ocd (specifically stabbing), and sera who had obsessions around fire. and me and my groupmate talked abt alex and he was very normal about it so i was like Okay. maybe the rest of the class will be normal about this

THE REST OF THE CLASS WAS NOT NORMAL ABOUT THIS. i literally wrote down word for word what this one girl said bc it pissed me off so bad . she said "he needs psychiatric help, maybe institutionalization, because what will happen if he picks up the knife?"

and my professor is one of those who's like There's no wrong answers but I THINK THERE ARE WRONG ANSWERS SOMETIMES ACTUALLY. AND THAT IS ONE OF THEM. and literally no one called it out so when i gave my answer i tried to as nicely and as un-passive-aggressively as possible make it very clear that This Hypothetical Guy Does Not Pose A Danger To His Loved Ones Actually. On Account Of That Is Not How Ocd Works.

AND NOT TO MENTION. in this hypothetical situation you ARE the psychiatric help. you're the hypothetical therapist..!!! like yes he does need help but not bc he's dangerous but because he's experiencing debilitating fear around the possibility of hurting others and it's impacting his life! he needs help not as a punishment but bc he deserves to live his life without the guilt & shame & fear that come along with ocd!!!

but it's so wild to me bc that was one of the biggest small groups in the class and everyone in the group is like..yknow the type, mental illness advocates until someone does something weird or god forbid strange. but like. they're usually very normal about stuff UNLESS it's something even slightly "scary" in which case they say stuff like, for instance, we should institutionalize people with intrusive thoughts. i've noticed it with that specific group multiple times and it's so frustrating like. are you even trying to understand people's experiences if u completely shut down at the idea of someone having a "scary" symptom. and even if he were dangerous. in this hypothetical situation, again, UR THE THERAPIST, SO IT IS UR JOB TO HELP HIM ???

also in that same class discussion- a guy from another group said the best way to help the hypothetical woman with obsessions around house fires was to put her in a fire safety course. brother that is just reassurance seeking and rumination and will probably make things so much worse actually! no amount of fire safety courses is going to help when the problem isn't the fire!!!

okay rant over i've been thinking about this for the past like. 35 hours straight. i hate neurotypical psych students so much it's unreal slash half joking 😭

[chronicbitchsyndrome]

i feel like being descriptively disabled (having a disability that interferes with your function in some tasks, roles, and/or other contexts) and being legally disabled (labeled as disabled by your government and subject to laws that only apply to people legally labeled as disabled) are different things, sometimes. like, populations with a lot of overlap, but still distinct experiences.

like... i am less descriptively or functionally disabled than some people that i am simultaneously in an indescribably worse situation than legally, simply because i am legally labeled as disabled by my government and therefore there are human rights abuses that it is entirely legal and even encouraged to do to me--abuses that are not legal to do to other disabled people because they do not occupy the legal position of disabled despite being descriptively disabled.

like, the fact that i am legally registered as a developmentally disabled person means it is perfectly legal for my biological family to push for and claim legal ownership over me for life, and i have little, if any, say in the matter. this is one of the reasons i legally changed my name and am incredibly anal about making sure my old name isn't connected to my new one, and one of the reasons i've cut all contact with my biofamily despite wanting to be friends with my siblings. and when i say "legal ownership," i mean that quite literally. it is entirely possible and legally encouraged for them to reclaim the ability to control my money, medical decisions, and living situation, for the rest of my life.

(i can't get rid of this power. i could transfer this power to my spouse if i get married, but i can't get married, since that would cut off my health insurance and income, also due to my legal status as disabled.)

there are plenty of autistic people who don't have to deal with this. many of them face even more significant developmental challenges than i do, and have more difficulties in their daily lives as a result. they may even have a diagnosis--having a diagnosis doesn't automatically register you as a disabled person with the government, you generally have to pursue benefits or other social welfare for that to be relevant. and yet, i still face this legal unpersoning simply because of bureaucratic chance. it has nothing to do with the severity of our disabilities, or whether they're physical or mental, or what challenges they present, or even what they are--it's just down to literal chance.

idk. been thinking about this a lot lately. disabled people who aren't legally disabled don't seem to have a lot of understanding of what my life is like, generally, which can be frustrating. sometimes i don't relate to a lot of "spoonie" or other disability spaces because they're focused on a particular disabled life that's inaccessible to me--one where you're struggling with functioning in a life where you have access to all the typical privileges of legal adulthood, and you can use typical adult legal privileges to navigate your functional struggles. but my disabled experience is that i'm struggling with functioning in a life where i am legally considered to not be a full person, and trying to navigate living my life without basic human rights, meanwhile i also have functional issues on top of that, but i have to navigate them in an entirely different way so that i don't ever set off any governmental alarms that could get me institutionalized or put in a conservatorship.