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pragmaticoptomism-blog · 6 years ago

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You ever watch a really good movie and when it’s over and the silence swallows the room, you can feel everyone slowly adjusting to reality again?

You hear popcorn start to shake and drinks rattling around as one by one, the audience leaves the theater.

Except you look up and you’re the only one in the theater?

I feel so many emotions all at once and they even completely negate each other, sometimes.

I wanted to make a space for myself to vent because I think it’s taking a toll on my friendships and that’s the last thing I want to do. I sound like a broken record, probably. I also feel like I don’t really know who I am or what people’s intensions are towards me. I feel like nothing is real, lately. I feel like it’s easy to accept this when you have someone- a lover, because everyone else is at arms length in some way because no one is closer to you than the person you love. But when that person doesn’t exist anymore, it’s easy to see things either for what they really are or to take things too seriously/personally. I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet.

But, I wanted to make an honest space for myself. I feel like the past 2 years of my life have been completely unraveling everything I knew, or didn’t know would be a better description. I tried to make a new account, and couldn’t because my most recent email was already used. I don’t even remember making this account, but after reading the 5 posts that were on here- I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or just sit here and shake my head back in forth in silence staring at my tv with that 70′s show on unable to even have a next thought.

I feel like this post should be a summary to fill in the gap.

One day I was at school, having a hotel party with my classmates. I wanted to sleep early and Bernie said he did too. We went to bed. I woke up to him a little close behind me, but it was nice and it was familiar, in the way that at home was the first man I’ve ever loved for so long and always slept next to like that. We were having problems, I felt like he didn’t love me anymore for my present self- just the old past memories we had. And in the moment, being with this man that only knew me as present me and sleeping next to me- it was almost nice. I clicked my phone alarm off to sleep for a few more minutes, and I felt Bernie move closer to me. He kissed the back of my neck. My eyes could not have opened wider, I clicked my phone to look at the time because I felt frozen emotionally, mentally, physically, really- in every way. My heart was pounding out of my chest!! What the fuck??? And also why the fuck did I not punch him right in his face? I got up and went to the bathroom. I went through my normal routine, washed my face- brushed my teeth. Christina came in the bathroom. I started doing my makeup and kept looking over at her every few seconds to stare at her face while she brushed her teeth. Finally I said Christina listen and I turned on the faucet as loud as it could as we usually did to drown out our voices so the guys couldn’t hear us.

I told her what happened and her face froze with disbelief? surprise? and then she laughed so hard, mostly in disbelief. She made kissy noises at me after that to make fun of it. & We laughed about it. But that really was the start of a fucking insane roller coster of MENTAL FUCKARY THAT IS CURRENTLY RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS FOR THE PAST ???? IDK WHAT EVEN HAS IT BEEN? 2 YEARS? IS THAT REAL?

I should of told Tom. I should of told Bernie that was unacceptable. I should of told Christina it wasn’t funny. I should of done a lot of things. For the next 2-3 weeks, he was just more flirty around me. I ignored it, but I didn’t confront it. I felt overwhelming insane crazy guilt for his actions for about a month because of Tom. Tom & I’s relationship was coming to an end and I didn’t want to tell Tom about any of this because then it would have seemed like, to Tom, that Bernie or another person or whatever was the reason for it’s end. When in reality and to this day, it was never about that. He’s not stupid and he probably knew things that I don’t even know now that he knows from then. But, we broke up. It went to a place in my mind and my heart where I felt completely numb. It was literally locked away so deep into my mind that even still now, it feels like when I try to access that part of my memory- that there’s someone on the other end physically tugging it back until I get distracted by something else and stop thinking about it. After Tom & I broke up, Bernie & I started meeting after school on Sundays one on one in the car to talk, sometimes go to the mall. I remember once we kissed and it was a complete lust-ful horny kiss coming from him and this should of been my first sign but at the time- I wanted a quick rebound hook up and this was just easy. I didn’t want to do anything sexual, so I didn’t. He would just sit there and bitch that he has blue balls, “come onnnn” he would say!! What the fuck is wrong with me?

I remember the first time I agreed to come over his house. He said he would take me apple picking. Way after that, I asked him once about what went through his mind when I said okay I’ll come over. He said that he re-read it two or three times in disbelief and quickly cleaned up his room and was nervous and excited. I drove myself 1.5 hours to Jersey City NJ, a new place I’ve never been before. The neighborhood looked kinda run down. I pulled up and parallel parked. I texted him, I’m here! & He came downstairs and met me at my car to walk me inside. I walked into the house and walked up the creeky stairs, he turned on the light that would flicker on for a few seconds before actually being on. I walked in the room, and went to put my bag down on the ground and he took me and threw me on the bed. He started kissing me and I mumbled through the kiss woahhh already?! and I’m glad that I don’t remember what his response was. We had sex and it wasn’t really good. It was fun? I guess? As much fun as you could have when your emotionally crippled in reality but denying legit every aspect of that? Eventually he came and he got one of his shirts out of the laundry bin so I could clean myself off. I put my clothes back on and I don’t even remember the rest of the night at all. That night was Thursday. The next day we went and got breakfast, hung out. <- repeat till Saturday morning. I was awake basically all night and I told him I needed to leave Sat morning. He said okay and walked me to the car. I wanted to go home but as I started to drive, I just started to cry. After about 10 minutes, I was sobbing and couldn’t see the road. I pulled over into this industrial type of street and couldn’t stop crying. I felt broken inside. I called Bernie and apologized but explained the situation. He said to come back and I did. He told me to move to the passenger seat and he got into the drivers seat and my sobbing turned to regular crying. I told him I was crying because I was picturing going home and dealing with Tom not being there, and that I was scared to finally be alone and face that. He told me he would bring me where he likes to go when he’s upset, to get Ramen. He drove me to this place called Mitsua marketplace in Edgewater NJ. We sat and ate ramen and he said a bunch of shit that made me feel better. I stayed over another night. The next morning, he was getting dressed and was going apple picking with his friends. I wasn’t invited. I got dressed and finally drove back home to Long Island and we never went apple picking together.

Again, what the fuck is wrong with me?

The next month was spent getting really close to each other really quickly, but never getting that type of intimate closeness/security. I felt like he was hiding something, or maybe even everything from me- all the time. I felt like when I would leave, he would go back to a completely different life than what he lived while I was there. Yet, I had nothing- no physical proof- to feel this way. I made sure to never say anything out loud that would make it seem like I wanted a relationship. One weekend, I told him I got asked out on a date. (By a guy named Liam) and he looked and sounded like he could not care less. He said something like, if that’s what you want to do- do it! I said okay, I’m going to go on the date, I just felt like you should know. (at this point in time, I was trying to keep emotional distance- obv failing a bit, and also unsure of what his intensions were). I told Liam yea and we were suppose to go out eventually, but shit kept coming up. The next time I was at Bernie’s for the weekend was New Years Weekend of 2018. He took me to lunch with his mother and he took me to his friends house for a NYE party. I was so fucking confused, but I felt stupid for feeling confused. In my head, I was thinking idk this is probably normal- we’re just friends with benefits he said? but why am i here with his mom and best friends? whats going on? maybe i do want this?

At his friends house, I had a lot of fun with his friends Tony, Chris, Julia, and Jen. Julia and I split a bottle of wine and Jen took a bunch of pictures- always being warm and welcoming to me as apparently the new member of this group. I remember him taking a pic of us together on the couch on snapchat and then deleting it. I had a few drinks, and so I asked him why he didn’t send it anywhere. He said where would I send it to. I said why not to our school snap? He ignored that. Now in my head I felt so confused and stupid, ashamed a little even or embarrassed because obviously if he doesn't want to send a snap of us together to our school snapchat group- then we aren’t anything more than friends with benefits, as I sit next to him wrapped in his arm on his friends couch on my 2/3rd night spent with him????? Again, what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!!

I have no memory on specifics of how we eventually were a couple outwardly. I remember hiding it in school, taking separate cars for a while, and then eventually- we didn’t hide it. I spend so much time slowly drifting farther and farther away from all my friends in the class. Bernie didn’t want to eat with them because his skin was bad, the sun would bother him, the bugs were outside, it was too warm out, too cold out, new medicine, new lotion, didn't shower yet, showered already. Whatever the fuck reason. So I would feel bad, and go eat with him away from everyone else. We wouldn't even have fun. He would be mad at me for something and we would silently watch Netflix eating lunch. Once he flipped the fuck out because his sandwich was made with cheese and he threw it against the wall in the classroom downstairs (no one else was there yet). & I would feel like all this behavior was my fault. I would write notes in my phone reminding me to “be easy on him, be his peace, he works hard”. I’d be so mad at myself for asking “who’s that” when I saw a girls name on his snap friends or texts that I didn’t recognize the name, and he would get so fucking pissed. “A friend” Example of my note from my phone:

“It makes you upset because you’re scared to loose him to anything. But the reality is you won’t. It’s just 1% of the time. It’s temporary- in the future, you’ll prob always be around him. Eventually you’ll live together. It’s something that makes him happy, look past the worrying. It’s possible new friends you can have too, who have their own lives, too. He gives you no reason to distrust. He loves you. You’re better than those girls (ha!!!). So just wait it out, reset, & repeat. Be happy, live YOUR life, stop thinking about what he might be doing when he hangs out with those girls and be happy you’ll get to see him again.”

Again, what the fuckkkkkkkk was or is wrong with me?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So Capstone 1 rolls around and we both fail it. 3 people in the class failed and we (both top of our class) failed it. (wow wonder fuckin why) I studied my ass off to re-take this exam and was up near school most of the time. I stayed by my classmates houses, Sammie & Anisha. Bernie had family over visiting and he was driving to DC with them and was busy, so during this time he was mostly MIA and I wasn’t allowed to stay there. He met up with us one day to study in this one room on the floor at school. I remember that feeling hitting me- somethings different, hes going to break up with you. He complimented that my hair looked soft. I asked him if he wanted to go get food before he had to leave, he said no he really had to go- and left. My panic set in like fucking crazy and I just tried to shove it down as far as I could so that I could concentrate on retaking my capstone exam. When I got to his house- I stayed over his house the night before capstone since he offered, he showed me that he had made me my own drawer. He put some things I accidently left there in it. He said now I can have my own space there to feel comfortable. That made me so happy, but inside I was so confused and axious because he was so different I could sense it but couldnt put it into words why. So I would try to explain to him, and he would deny it- everythings fine etc you have no examples what are you even saying. I laid there sobbing and got up and collected my things to go anywhere else- maybe Christinas maybe Anishas, all I knew was I needed to get the fuck away and concentrate to pass my retake exam the next day. He looked over and saw me doing that and finally gave me physical touch and grabbed me, pulled me close, and said come on you need sleep and played with my hair and that was one of the very few times of sincere feelings of connecting on a deeper level of intimacy that I can remember from my whole relationship with Bernie. We woke up next morning and took our test and I remember saying good luck to him and whatnot and he treated it extremely weird and formal . and I assumed it was because it was a serious situation- this retake. We both passed. I was so relieved. I got in his car (he drove me there) and we discussed our retakes. I asked him what he wanted to do with the rest of the day and if I could buy him a celebratory drink. He said uhhhh idk. I was like oh are you busy? He was like yea sorry. & I tried so hard to accept that and leave it. After about 20 min of silence, I asked... what are you busy with? And he said something like idk yet and I was like why dont you want to hangout with me? and he said welp I guess this is ganna be talked about then since you wont just let it be. & He stone cold, facing forward the whole time, zero eye contact at all, broke up with me. “This just isn’t what I want anymore. I just don’t love you anymore. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, I just don’t love you.” I asked him 500 million thousand questions, considering it was still about a half hour drive to his house, where my car and belongings were. I asked him since when? But you never told me you were unhappy? Can you just tell me specifics so I can work on myself? He didn’t provide answers. He just said he didn’t love me anymore. We got to his house and I put my backpack in my trunk. I went upstairs and collected my things, including everything from the drawer he just gave me that same weekend. He stood there and (finally) switched from cold to looked upset as he watched me get my shit. I walked downstairs and he walked behind me. I put all my things in my car, and I grabbed this stuffed animal from my backseat that he gave me and handed it back to him as I choked on my own tears and snot. He looked shocked that I gave it to him. He said “But i got this for you!” and i said why would you think I would want to keep this? He said if you’re sure alright and looked really upset. I shut the door to my car and he walked back inside. I drove to Staten Island and sobbed to Mike and eventually Christina when she was done with work.

We had about a month’s break until school again. I felt so so so so so so so down. I could not stop crying. My head was beating from crying. I couldn’t eat. I lost so much weight because I legit had 0 appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I laid in my bed desperately trying to sleep, would fall asleep for just enough time to have a dream about him and wake up sobbing. I would re-read old messages over and over to convince myself that it happened, he was real, I wasn’t crazy. I felt like the relationship was made up in my mind and that I was the only one who endured it. At work one day I asked for closure and I sat in the car after my shift and read to him my note I typed out asking what I did or what happened. He provided no answers yet again and said I just dont love you. I felt like a fuckin zombie. I remember asking him one day if we could still snowboard or still play overwatch together and him saying he would think about it. Eventually he happened to invite me into a game on overwatch the same night Liam asked me to get Ralphs ices. I played some games with him then said I had to go and logged off to get Ralphs. Soon, we had school. We were still in the same hotel room. We tried to act normal, and would talk here or there. OR he would talk, I would ignore. He made comments to me like “An amazing girl got me these” and it was boxers I had bought him. He bought my favorite wine one night to the hotel and brought it to where it was in my site and poured a glass then asked if I wanted some. I said no. We went and got taco bell with classmates for lunch and he sent me a text asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits. I said no I couldnt emotionally handle that. He said okay and that he understood that. At some other point, we walked me christina & him to get chinese food. Christina went inside to go get it and while she was inside, bernie kicked the wall a little bit softly and turned and looked at me and was like so I wanted to tell you something. And said he wanted to get back together and that he fucked up. I dont even know what i responded, maybe I said something like are you kidding. As all of that was happening, him making these comments and shit- I was just so relieved to know that it was real. That he was real and those weeks I spent feeling fucking crazy- I wasn’t crazy. I remember one night we slept in the same bed and I just laid there and cried and said I didnt want him to touch me or to touch him, even though inside it was the only thing I wanted. He wanted to kiss me and low key kept trying to, brought his face closer to mine and opened his mouth in that slight way. Eventually I think I did kiss him- and it made me sob. I knew he wanted to fuck & it made me cry more to think about it. & I told him it would take a really long time for me to ever adjust or be okay with that in any way and he just kept saying I know.

We would talk on the phone for hours at a time when I was driving home from school or staten island or work or whatever- and i called him out on everything. I told him hes so fucked up and needs to address shit that his dad left him and he never accepted it and all this bullshit. He was silent most of the time, and listened. He told me I was “100% right” and that he could never take back damage that was done. He asked me eventually to go meet with him and his friends in the city, not to be together- just to hang out. I stupidly said yes.

That was the weekend we “reconnected”, I guess. Being with his friends again and we went on a hike together and just being back into the swing of it, was so comfortable and better than the fucking misery I was in at home for weeks not eating or sleeping. It was so nice to sleep and eat and live and laugh.

We were back together! Things were great! The same shit went on in the background, same problems as before. He would talk to girls behind my back- I would either ignore it because I didn’t want to fight, or I would mention it and we would fight. I would find things out and have to wait to confront him until in person so he would accept blame and apologize- otherwise, when I was away at home and he was home- he would flip it onto me.

I remember driving to go snowboarding, he fell and got hurt so we went home early. I bought him some water and snacks and helped him into the car- took his boots off so he didn’t have to bend down. He fell asleep and I wanted to stay awake while driving and stopped at a rest stop. He woke up and wanted food. We got food and while we were sitting inside, this guy was STARING at me making me feel really uncomfortable so I asked if we could eat in the car. Bernie immediately was super grumpy and I was just like oh fuck here we go.. we walked to the car and I felt so guilty that he was angry about going to the car. I said I was sorry and asked if he wanted to go back in and he turned around and SCREAMMMMMED at me in this fucking parking lot. he threw his food and tears were rolling down his face out of anger. I wanted to die. I told him that I was sorry I didnt have two separate cars so that I could leave, and he said oh so you just want to leave when I’m at my worst? And that genuinely made me feel like a terrible person- I felt like I was in the wrong. (Ill say it again- what the fuck was wrong with me?) We drove home and once we got home this time, I was so used to this shit that I knew better than to try to talk about it or resolve any issue. I just let him sleep and I sat up on the couch, and put on greys anatomy to distract myself from what the fuck just happened and what was beginning to become normal to me. (!!!!!!!)

I have FLASHBACKSSSSS to times spent with this person that I can’t even fill in gaps for. Him slapping me in the face!!!! him screaming at me in his house waking his mom and sister up which I felt embarrassed about even though it was HIM!!!!! I can’t believe anyone- nevermind my own fucking self- ever experienced any of this. He just knew what to say to twist my mind into thinking it was my fault. I would get up collect my things to leave when he would yell and he would say if I cant handle him at his worst I cant have him at all, or say okay Im leaving just like everyone always leaves him. & Then I would feel horrible. How could I leave someone saying that? (I should of)

Yet still, why does my mind wander to the Filipino restaurant where the staff knew me as “his partner” because I would leave while he was sleeping and get his favorites. I legit learned another fuckin language for this MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!! Who did not deserve it for one single second! Master manipulator! I cant believe the memories that I am typing here and I cant believe it was my life.

This relationship was fucking horrible and I do not understand why or how or EVEN WHO I WAS during this time. I really wanted to write this because it is so easy to loose yourself in periods of vulnerability. I really do feel like everything happens for a reason. However, there’s someone that just always comes to my mind that has sort of always been in the background since I met him at school and I feel like there was just so much time wasted in every capacity on Bernie that it may have fucked it all up for this other person/opportunity. But if it did, it must have happened for a reason. I needed to find myself in this drastic way and I know I’m better for it. I feel returned to my body after 2 years of being lost.

Anyway, one night I went out to eat with Emily and he was pissed the fuck offfffff about it, although he would never admit that was the reason. I felt guilty that he was upset- I sent him a pic of the menu and said I would bring him there next time he came to LI. The next day, after a 10 hour shift of clinical- I get a CALL from him. All day, I kinda knew it. I remember thinking to myself “why would he break up with you? theres no reason for that- get it out of your mind”. He said bullshit intro- hey how was your day (not genuinely), I said fine, whats up and he said “well...” and I immediately laughed. I said “are you breaking up with me right now” and he said well I was thinking a lot last night and I think we need to stop seeing each other. And I laughed and said okay just to clarify- you thought about it for literally one night? 12 hours? he said yes. I said okay, and before that- did you have any thought in your mind about wanting to break up? he said no but jackie stop. I said okay, when you collect my things- make sure you get everything. & we hung up. Prob a 5 minute phone call. He had such a cold angry tone that sounded exactly like the first time- he blamed me and made me feel like I betrayed him in some way that he was breaking up with me for.

This time, I could sleep and eat. Although I was upset, it was 500 million times easier than the first time. In fact, it was a RELIEF to not have the responsibility anymore to sit up wondering who he’s with or what he’s lying about.

It was much easier to cope with (since I was expecting) him to crawl his way (or try to) back into my life after this time- months of being MIA. He tried so much shit and I am very very relieved to know that I’m back in my right fucking mind.

I accept what happened, and the hardest part is stopping blaming myself. I was in a vulnerable spot, and someone manipulative swooped in. As much as I might want to forget, or take it back- I can’t. So I will remember it, learn, and be better for it.

This past week, after I got a “are you awake” text, 2 missed calls, and a voicemail asking to get coffee at 6AM followed by him liking old DM messages on instagram- I went off. & It felt so fucking gooooooooooood. Fuck Y O U R S E L FFFFFFFFFFFF.

#fuckyou

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