#and in fact i got dragged into drama surrounding SO just bc i talked about it alot

[apathydot-com]

Idk why but I'm paranoid about the wdy fandom here for some reason like I just feel like someone's gonna cause drama here and shits gonna hit the fan and it's gonna be like wdy twitter

Idk man I'm just scared I don't want there to be drama again...

[walnutking]

Here’s my review of Extraordinary You that quite literally no one asked for and the dang thing aired almost a full year ago, but I just finished it 5 minutes ago and I have thoughts.

I’ve just truly never been MORE frustrated about such a waste in potential. This was a story with such an engaging concept and a really likable lead girl and now I’m just left in a soup of questions. The first half I was so into it and thought it was so cute and unique, but the last 5 or so episodes felt like dragging myself through hot coals. I wanted to drop it, but I NEEDED to know what happened to badly that I stuck it out. I thought the ending would be worth it to truly know what happens. 

It was not worth it.

I’m fine with a bit of ambiguity in storytelling, not everything has to be revealed, even after the story is over. That being said, this drama is DRIPPING in ambiguity and plot holes. Like bursting at the seams, it was ridiculous. I felt like in the latter half, each episode was just painstakingly INCHING to the world’s worst finish line. We kept hammering in the same gd plot points for quite literally 5 hours. I couldn’t even truly be sad when Haru disappeared because we had spent SO MUCH time pondering on that very possibility, it’s like I was numb to it. And not one but TWO memory loss plotlines????? That’s literally illegal.

Speaking of Haru, I think that the actor who played him is actually very talented, but lord was he two dimensional. Because of the fact he had no true backstory other than liking Dan Oh, I could never truly connect with him. They were cute, but like does he even count as a real person? What are his hobbies? Drawing Dan Oh? They were so cute at first and I was like, wow, can’t wait to see them grow together, but that never happened??? He never gained much more depth?? Like I felt much more for Kyung honestly because at least my man had a backstory.

I don’t know how to end this so in conclusion, I’m going to list every single question I still have remaining which AT LEAST 1/4th of should have been addressed within the actual story I don’t think it’s too much to ask:

1. Literally why would an author use the exact same characters with the same names and personality traits in two different books? I honestly thought we were going to meet the author at some point, but apparently not! 

2. So Dan Oh was never really an “extra” in either book, was she? She wasn’t the main character, but she had a plot and backstory and many scenes surrounding her. Only Haru was a true extra and he deadass just stayed that way, other than falling in love with Dan Oh

3. Why did Ju Da pick Nam Joo??? She became self aware and obviously liked Do Hwa more, and I think her picking him would of been such a nice touch bc it would of subverted the expected by picking the second lead, which I think one upon a time was the moral of this story, but that went out the window at some point.

4. WHY DOES DAN OH NEVER TALK TO HER DAAAAAAAD ABOUT ANY OF THIS!!! And we never got resolution with her dad, among many things. 

5. Basically every big character except Nam Joo became self aware and for why?

6. Dan Oh’s two best friends, why did she never try and confide in them or make them self aware? Also why was Sae Mi a bully but also Dan Oh’s friend?? That was inconsistent. I’d be willing to give that one up to she was poorly written by the author, but I thought I’d throw it in.

7. Kyung’s brother just coming out like “I was self aware the whole time” for ultimately no reason. It added nothing. So I must ask again for why?

8. In the end they were put in an ambiguous other story I guess, but why??? Doesn’t that defeat everything we’ve spoken about, that none of these people had true free will and all they wanted was to create their own stories?? So why not just set them free in the real world?????

I’m stopping there because I could go on forever. I’ll be mad about this until the day I die. I myself could of written a better second half to this drama, and I am not a gifted storyteller. I think this show was full of many talented young actors who I can’t wait to see more of in the future, but whew, they were really shot in the foot with a lot of this stuff. Please share your own opinions if you desire and you made it this far, I’d like to know what others think. 

[isthisfilmgay]

More book recs!

Apologies to the people who want movies and movies only, but I’ve been reading more than watching movies lately so I thought I’d share regardless. (Also reading is fun!)

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

Warnings/Notes: 😢 ☠ Summary: Achilles, "the best of all the Greeks," son of the cruel sea goddess Thetis and the legendary king Peleus, is strong, swift, and beautiful irresistible to all who meet him. Patroclus is an awkward young prince, exiled from his homeland after an act of shocking violence. Brought together by chance, they forge an inseparable bond, despite risking the gods' wrath. Recommend?: Yes Why: Everyone has probably heard of this one already, and as sad and tragic as the ending is, I personally think the softness and (very latent) growth that the characters undergo is beautiful. I think the empathy afforded to them and the entire situation of the Trojan War is really well done, and it offers us a better version of events that aren’t so violent against women for no reason (homer sux pass it on). If you’re into Greek mythology, Miller knows her stuff and this will be a fun, quick read.

Lie With Me by Philippe Besson

Warnings/Notes: 😢 ☠ 🏳️‍🌈 Summary: The award-winning, bestselling French novel by Philippe Besson about an affair between two teenage boys in 1984 France, translated with subtle beauty and haunting lyricism by the iconic and internationally acclaimed actress/writer Molly Ringwald. Recommend?: Yes Why: As much as I dislike tragic endings in gay books (in fact usually I rage about it bc it’s so boring and stupid) this one really got me. First of all it’s heavily implied by the author that the story is autobiographical, so it’s hard to get mad at a real series of events. Second, the tragedy is treated with deeper empathy than I’ve ever seen it. Even when the protagonists do things to hurt the other or make bad decisions, it’s so clear why they’re doing it, and all you feel is what they’re feeling. Short and well written. 

The Music of What Happens by Bill Konigsberg

Warnings/Notes: 👊🏼 🏳️‍🌈 Summary: Over the course of one summer, two boys will have to face their biggest fears and decide what they're willing to risk -- to get the thing they want the most. Recommend?: Yes Why: I was challenging myself to read more YA this year and I think I finished this book in a single sitting. I usually find a lot of queer YA problematic but this one was really good! It avoided a lot of romance tropes which I greatly appreciated. It breaks the mold of what you’d expect from these character archetypes and handles heavy issues like parental neglect/abuse and sexual assault with surprising empathy and also without a heaviness that would drag the narrative down. There were times the dialogue made me gag but it’s for kids and overall a fun read.

Lot by Bryan Washington

Warnings/Notes: 🚫🏳️‍🌈 Summary: Stories of a young man finding his place among family and community in Houston, from a powerful, emerging American voice. Recommend?: Sort of? Why: This is a collection of short stories surrounding characters in a particular neighborhood of Houston, with one character who is revisited every other chapter. The prose is solid and the voices are engaging, if not repetitive. I found it to be a little bit of a slog to get through considering how short it is, mostly because the characters never seem to grow and all have very similar perspectives. It’s all very ~vibey. However, a lot of people like vibey so if you do, then this is for you!

We Contain Multitudes by Sarah Henstra

Warnings/Notes: 👊🏼 🚫 Summary: Jonathan Hopkirk and Adam "Kurl" Kurlansky are partnered in English class, writing letters to one another in a weekly pen pal assignment. With each letter, the two begin to develop a friendship that eventually grows into love. But with homophobia, bullying, and devastating family secrets, Jonathan and Kurl struggle to overcome their conflicts and hold onto their relationship...and each other. Recommend?: No Why: This is one of those problematic YA books I talked about earlier. It’s a little on the longer side but I also read it in one sitting. To begin with, there’s a large-ish age difference between the main characters for seemingly no reason, pairing a 19-year-old with a 15 year old (which in high school is a large inequity). I found the voices a little unbearable and the epistolary format felt extremely contrived throughout. There’s a lot of completely unnecessary conflicts and leans in to unhealthy romance tropes rather than putting anything fresh on it. At times I flat out didn’t want the characters to get together because their whole dynamic was so unsettling. Also, the shoe-horned family drama side-plot was unengaging and forced. Also I think the author is straight so I’m not that surprised lmao. 

Sissy: A Coming-of-Gender Story by Jacob Tobia

Warnings/Notes: ⓣ 🚫 🏳️‍🌈 Summary:  A heart-wrenching, eye-opening, and giggle-inducing memoir about what it's like to grow up not sure if you're (a) a boy, (b) a girl, (c) something in between, or (d) all of the above. Recommend?: Yes (with conditions) Why: This book is a memoir written by a 27 (?) year-old, so that’s something to keep in mind. It’s fairly long considering how short of a time period is covered, but overall this book would be a great tool for young readers. The prose is written a lot like a twitter thread too, which younger audiences will find more palatable than I. You 'll probably be left with more questions than you started with if you’re a complete newbie to non-binary identities and trans people, but it’s a good place to start. 

Looking for Lorraine: The Radiant and Radical Life of Lorraine Hansberry by Imani Perry

Warnings/Notes: ☠ Summary:  Lorraine Hansberry, who died at thirty-four, was by all accounts a force of nature. Although best-known for her work A Raisin in the Sun, her short life was full of extraordinary experiences and achievements, and she had an unflinching commitment to social justice, which brought her under FBI surveillance when she was barely in her twenties. While her close friends and contemporaries, like James Baldwin and Nina Simone, have been rightly celebrated, her story has been diminished and relegated to one work—until now. Recommend?: No Why: To be honest, I couldn’t finish this book. It’s not long at all but it felt like it was written in another language, so, it reads very slow. Lorraine Hansberry herself is very interesting and I would love to read a biography about her, but not one that focuses just as much on the biographer as the subject. Also, if you don’t have an in-depth college-level knowledge of american literary history you’ll likely have a hard time keeping up with the cast of characters. 

Anyway that’s it! Happy queer reading!

[fmdminji]

* ⠀⠀ ♡ ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀ hello, sweet loves ! guess who ?? it’s 𝐑𝐘𝐀𝐍 and i’m back at it again with a second muse, and to some of you, she may seem familiar at first glance ! so, without further ado, i’d like to introduce you to my beautiful babe, 𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐉𝐈, wish’s leader, and main vocal. i’ve based her slightly on my first ever muse in this group, yeo yeoreum, but i’ve updated her, and revised her, so that she’s more well-rounded in my eyes ! below the cut, you’ll be able to find a tl;dr version of her biography, some fun facts that weren’t mentioned in her bio, as well as some plot ideas ! if you’re interested in writing with us, don’t forget to 𝐏𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓 in the corner so i can message you. love you all v much !

* ⠀⠀ ♡ ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀ BIOGRAPHY HIGHLIGHTS !

born in seoul, south korea to a single mother in seoul, south korea, minji’s upbringing wasn’t like many others in her class. she, her grandmother, and her mother all lived in a two bedroom apartment, and while the two women in her life worked hard to provide a great life for her, she was often dragged along to both of their jobs; finding a deep love for books, films, and television dramas, from a young age ! after all, she had to find little ways to entertain herself, so when she wasn’t keeping her nose tucked between the pages of a novel, she was lost in a land of fantasy; one where she was often the princess, and she was being rescued by a prince — a man that would save her from this lonesome upbringing. her obsession with romance started at an alarmingly early age, and by the time she was eight, she found herself filling up pages of diaries with love letters to boys in her class; keeping all of them a deep-dark secret from everyone !

however, when she was about to go and give her most coveted crush a valentine she’d saved a lot of money ( you know, a lot of money for an elementary schooler ) to buy, she was interrupted by another girl who, essentially, swooped in and stole her man, hah. the amount of jealousy and rage that flooded through her in that moment was so immense that, even to this day, those feelings of jealousy and wrath ( two of the deadliest sins to exist ) still have never left her, and unfortunately, they’re two of her most fatal flaws. that, and well, being almost desperate for a chance to fall in love with someone.

her teenage years were fairly mild, too, but every time she became entangled in a loving romance, she’d ruin it time after time for being controlling, possessive, and jealous, and it was hard for her to not only keep love interests for long periods of time, but her friends often found her hard to be around, too. her emotions were intense, and to be honest, all of them would find her exhausting to be around after awhile. so, even though she was able to make friends, they often left her alone, too, and the reason she was so attached to keeping men in her life is because she’s never had a father, nor any positive male influence, in her whole life. so, she uses romance as something to fill this void inside her.

though, when she was fourteen, she went with her mother to see a concert of decipher’s — a new boy group who had just débuted. they became her latest obsession, and her mom used money she’d saved up to treat her daughter to a day of fun together. though, while there, she was decided by bc entertainment scouts. her beauty is what made her standout, but when she auditioned, they realized she had a big voice, but little to no idea how to use it. so, after a private audition, they offered her a trainee spot.

her trainee experience was... rough. during this process, she learned to better control her voice, and she even picked up on how to play the piano pretty well, but after awhile, she got a bit bored with everything, so she made the bold decision to ignore the dating ban put in place and start playing the field. this is when she met her first love ( wanted connection ! ) and they began a relationship together that lasted a good while. he was in line to début in knight, and she was set to join the group now known as lipstick, but while the girls’ lineup was being finalized, they caught onto the two of them, and her punishment was that she wouldn’t début as lipstick’s lead vocal, as she was once told. they also forced her to end the relationship she was in, and her heart was broken.

so, in bc she remained, and she learned a lot about herself in those moments. not only did she get into trouble for even being in a relationship, but her jealousy continued to rise up back then, too, and she’d bully her fellow trainees — really, anyone who even dared to talk to her now ex-boyfriend while they were dating. deciding that she needed to focus on herself and her career so she could help her mother and grandmother out in the future, she quit screwing around and got to work, and later went on to début as wish’s main vocalist, and leader.

things started out well, but a few years in, she was beginning to realize that, while many of the other girls in her group were gaining traction and immense popularity, she was somehow falling behind. with hana now starring in dramas, sooyeon releasing tons of solo material, and now june about to make a solo début, too, her jealous rage is kicking in again. she went from a loving leader to someone that’s overwhelmed with envy for her own members, lol. so, that’s where she’s at now... wanting to kill all the girls in her own group that are more popular while she slowly starts to compete with them.

* ⠀⠀ ♡ ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀ FUN LITTLE FACTOIDS !

as mentioned before, minji knows how to play the piano, and towards the end of her trainee years, she began writing her own little songs for fun; she has a few done and complete. she doesn’t really think she’s much of a composer / producer, no, but she aspires to write her own solo music when the time comes for her to make a début.

ever since wish was able to make their own individual social media accounts, she’s taken that allowance in stride, and has become quite popular on instagram ! she not only posts beautifully edited photos of herself, and her surroundings, but she’s also known to post acoustic, piano-led covers of songs she loves.

she currently feels as though she’s not getting as many lines on wish’s tracks as she was in the beginning, and hates that she’s really only there to hit all the high notes and call it a day, lol. she wants to be trusted with more than what she’s given, tbh.

not very surprisingly, she’s been involved in a few dating scandals in her past career, but shockingly, they weren’t true, and since her début, she hasn’t really had a serious bf.

* ⠀⠀ ♡ ⠀⠀ ─── ⠀⠀ LITTLE LIST OF PLOT IDEAS !

as denoted above, i’d looove to see her first love plot taken up ! i’ve envisioned the spot being taken by a member of knight, especially if they trained in bc from 2009-2012. they débuted first, so bc wasn’t able to truly punish them as badly as they were able to punish her. however, if you’re interested in this plot, and your muse isn’t a member of knight, but instead a member of charm, we can try to make that work somehow, too !

also mentioned above, she was a bit of an asshole to other girls while she trained from 2009-2012, and she softened slightly from 2012-2015. i’d love to see a plot where your muse was one of those girls she was really harsh to, and she’s had to try to make amends to her for it. in my eyes, this plot would make most sense if your muse is a member of lipstick, but we can see if we can make it work if your muse is in wish, too !

additionally, i’d love for her to have a best friend — male, female, or whatever else. this is someone who isn’t afraid to call her out when she’s acting like a brat, and though she gets so frustrated by that, she also appreciates it a whole helluva lot. their relationship will be really sweet, and they’ll be almost brutally honest with each other, but everything said is only out of love and respect, as they’d never want to truly wound one another.

i’d geek out really hard if like, your muse ( a member of decipher ) just so happened to be minji’s bias in the group, as she’s an avid fan, and she has a mad crush on them, and they either exploit how she feels about them and toy around with her, or they just avoid her at all costs because she’s... a bit much for them. that, or really, we can discuss other options if those two things wouldn’t fit your muse. i just think it’d be fun !

it’s no secret that my bbg loves love, and at one point in time, she became curious to know if she was interested in women, too. she tried to date your muse ( female-locked ) for awhile, but it didn’t work out, so she ended up breaking up with them. it could’ve ended really horribly and your muse hates her now, or they could be good friends. it’s up to your and how your muse would react to being led on by a confused straight girl.

being that minji dabbles in writing her own lyrics and playing the piano, i’d looove for her to have a producer friend, or partner of sorts, that’d start a soundcloud account with her. they’d release their own lo-fi, soft songs there, whether they be solos or duets, and it’d just be a really creative, fun-loving relationship. this could lead to a romance, or they could just remain close friends and creative partners; either option is fine with me !

speaking of romance: i’d love some people who really love playing with her heart, or who just use her for sex, and run the fuck away from her when she gets too attached.

the flip-side of that: i’d love for a guy, or girl really, to be really interested in her, but she’s too blind to see it, and instead, using them as like, a personal diary and spills all of her feelings to them about other people all the time. she doesn’t realize they have feelings for her, and it kills them when she talks about other people all the time, but they’re too afraid to really say anything to her rip.

i’d also like for her to have some lowkey fwb relationships, too. i just can’t promise that she won’t daydream about getting married to your muses, but you know... lol.

additionally, if you’re interested in discussing a more personalized, end-game romance plot that’s a slower burn, or something that burns up a little fast and they’re now stuck in a mess together, or whatever else, i’m open for discussions too ! don’t be afraid to let me know and we can talk about it a lot more !

[tomhollandwritings]

single ~ t.h.

synopsis: the reader and tom have a complicated history, but no matter what happens they always seem to find their way back to one another. 

word count: 2.4k+

based on the request: tom holland one with the song single by the neighbourhood?? like where ur younger than him? 💞💞 i love ur writings so much!!

a/n: i literally had a full draft for this and then started again from scratch bc i was so unsatisfied w it. im actually still so unsatisfied w this one too, it’s kind of jumbled and all over the place but i hope you enjoy anyways. (oh btw i fucking LOVE THIS SONG and i love the nbhd, literally my fav band so thank u sm for requesting xoxox)

listen to the song here if you’d like!

masterlist

The hustle and bustle your cozy house party had created around you left a warm feeling of contentedness and accomplishment in the bottom of your stomach. It had been your friend Sara’s idea to throw a small party on the quiet Friday night, using the celebration of the first day of spring as her excuse. After prodding at you all week, you had finally agreed to let her use your small London apartment as her hosting place. Despite the fact that you were itching with annoyance because of the amount of people that had shown up was extremely far off from your friend’s estimate of guests. The place was full, not so much that it was stuffy, but people were still slipping in the door every few minutes with a bottle of wine or flowers to signify spring’s soft beginnings.

“You will never believe who just walked in.” Sara’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts as she came walking into the kitchen and you looked up, still swirling your wine around in the glass absentmindedly. You look at her expectantly, eyebrows raised. The answer she gave was something you had never expected. “Tom Holland.” She exclaimed. Her voice was hushed, as though she didn't want him to hear her, as she put down yet another cheap bottle of chardonnay onto your counter.

It almost felt as your heart had stopped for a moment as you processed her words. You’d known Tom for a while, and the two of you had a somewhat tumultuous past. To explain your history to anyone felt pointless, so everyone in your life had no one idea that the two of you had ever been involved. Your history was so complex that you didn’t have the energy to explain why you knew the Spiderman superstar.

Your immediate reaction was anger, the knowledge that Tom had shown up at your small apartment knowing full well what the consequences of that action were.

“Tom Holland… like the Spiderman guy?” You asked, trying your best to play dumb.

“Yes,” Sara whacked you in the arm lightly. “he’s so good looking.”

You nodded slightly, taking another gulp of your wine.

“You should go say hi.” She hinted at you, pouring herself another drink.

“What for?” You scoffed, failing miserably to hide your disdain.

“Because you’re the hostess.” Sara scolded. “Don’t be rude.”

You sighed loudly before downing the rest of your wine.

“Fine.”

-

You stepped into the crowded living room to see what appeared to be a sort of mob forming near your front door. Stretching up onto your tiptoes, you still could barely make out the familiar face of the boy, despite even wearing heels. You began to push your way through the crowd, huffing quietly before clearing your throat and doing your best to play nice hostess.

“Hi,” you said cheerily, just sweet enough to sound real but fake enough to know you were pissed. “welcome, it’s so nice to meet you. I’m Y/N.”

Tom looked over at you in surprise, his eyes widening as he shamelessly scanned your body.

“Y/N,” he said. “hi.”

The crowd around Tom began to disperse and you reached out as if to shake his hand. He grabbed onto yours gently and you dragged him out of your apartment and into the hallway in one swift movement before shutting the door gently behind you.

“Y/N…”

“What the fuck, Tom,” You interrupted harshly, pulling your hand away from his. “are you fucking serious right now?”

“I had to see you.” He admits, wincing at your anger.

“What for?” You asked incredulously.

“You know what.” He replies, his demeanour softening.

“I’m having a party.” Was all you said as you took in his soft expression, trying to push down the feelings that were bubbling back up inside of you. 

He was wearing dark jeans and a white t-shirt with a blazer over it, his signature silver necklaces hanging down over his shirt. His hair looked disheveled, different from the slicked back style you’d grown used to since he’d been away on a press tour. You could feel his scent lingering around you and the familiarity was enough to make you cry.

“I know, but…”

“You left.” You said. “You left me. You have no right to just show up at my apartment.”

“I know.” He repeated. “I’m sorry.”

I don't know if we should be alone together

I still got a crush, that's obvious

If nobody's around, what's stopping us?

Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes momentarily to drink in his presence. You weren’t sure if there was even a need for Tom to apologize at all, or if you should apologize. All you really knew was that you missed him. You had missed him so much it was unbearable. You opened your eyes again, now stinging with tears.

“I have to get back inside.” You said quietly.

“Y/N,” he murmured, reaching out to run his warm fingers down your arm.

“Tom, thank you for the apology but…” He watched you with sad eyes. “I have to go inside, okay? Can we talk about this later?”

Tom’s expression relaxed slightly at your hopeful words, nodding eagerly.

“Sure. Okay.”

You nodded again, squeezing his arm quickly before turning around and slipping back into your apartment, trying to swallow the lump in your throat.

Despite the drama the party continued, and people loved Tom. He was sitting on the arm of your couch, a glass of whiskey in one hand and people surrounding him as he told silly stories about things that had happened to him on his press tour, during filming, in his daily life.

You did your best to ignore the fact that he was there, making yourself busy by speaking with a few friends at the entrance to your kitchen. You could feel Tom’s eyes on you occasionally as you spoke with your friends, and it took everything in you not to glance back over at him.

I don't think that we should be around each other

When you're in the room, you get my eyes

You open your mouth, I'm hypnotized

Tom couldn’t push your voice out of the corner of his mind, despite all the people surrounding him and speaking. He kept glancing over at you, nodding occasionally to keep your guests engaged as he watched you talk.

You threw your head back laughing, a glass of what he assumed was your favourite red wine in your left hand. His heart ached at the familiar sound, remembering when he used to make you laugh like that. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from you. To say you looked beautiful was an understatement. Your outfit was so simple, a white t-shirt tucked lazily into a jean skirt that he recognized as one he had bought you the year before. You had a loose cardigan draped over your body and were wearing tights and a pair of adorable little kitten heels that made him smile. 

He could still hear the voices speaking around him and he was suddenly wildly aware of the condensation from his drink stinging his palm with its coldness as he held onto it tighter, returning himself to his conversation. 

-

Despite your somewhat distracting job of hosting a growing house party, you were physically unable to get Tom out of the corner of your eye. No matter where in the room you moved, you always felt the need to keep him in your sight and keep his voice in your range of hearing. You could hear girls laughing around him at minuscule things he said, most not even jokes, and smiled to yourself at Tom’s probable distaste towards their desperation. 

You glanced up at him to find his eyes already burning into you, and your chest sizzled with excitement. He threw you a small wink, using his amazing way of making you feel like the only person he cared to see in the entire world to his advantage. 

You felt as though you were staring at him with literal hearts popping out of your eyes and twirling around your head like a cartoon. Tom was picking up on this, a small smile gracing his handsome face as he stared at you. 

You blinked, feeling your face flush as you realized how silly you must look. He chuckled softly to himself, causing you to smile against your will, looking down into your wine glass. Tom felt himself puff up unintentionally, proud of himself for getting a smile out of you for what felt like the first time in years.

  I can make you laugh until you cry

You know you got all my attention

You know you got all mine

By the time 1 o’clock rolled around, people were slowly but surely filing their way out of your place and leaving half full glasses of liquor in different places around your apartment. 

Even Sara had left, and you began to collect the endless amount of garbage and paper plates with half eaten grapes and cheese slices on them while stifling a yawn. 

“Need some help?” His familiar voice rang out as he came following you through the hallway, picking up pieces of trash and empty glasses that you had missed along the way. You felt unbelievably excited that he had stayed, having expected him to leave a few hours before. 

As you threw your collection into the garbage in the kitchen, Tom came in the doorway holding an impressive amount of glasses.

 “Jesus, Tom,” You let out a small laugh, walking over to take a few of the fragile glasses out of his hands. Your fingers brushed and his fingertips lingered on yours as his eyes scanned your face. “impressive.” You added softly. 

“I’ve always been good with my hands,” he said cheekily. “you knew that.” 

You looked over at him with wide eyes, feeling your face on fire. “Tom!” You hissed, a smirk painted on his face. 

“Sorry,” he laughed. “you walked into that one.” 

You sighed in defeat, carefully putting the glasses down in the sink to be dealt with later before turning around to face him and leaning against the counter, arms crossed. 

“Y/N…” He started softly. 

At some point during the night he had slipped his blazer off and his lean arms were sun kissed, muscles seeming to bulge every time he moved. You were watching him, almost drooling. “I was going to…” He looked up and saw your face, mouth slightly open. “Are you okay?”

“What? Yeah, of course.” You respond quickly, swallowing hard. He steps closer to you, watching you with curiosity. 

“Are you sure?” He didn’t believe you. You nod fervently again, wishing your cheeks and chest weren't burning so obviously. 

Tom reached out slowly and you watch him, breathing hard. He pressed his cool fingers against your warm cheek and you relished in the feeling of it. 

“I’ve missed you.” You murmur. “So much, Tom.”

“I’ve missed you so much more.” He says, stroking your hot cheek with his thumb tenderly. You were breathing hard, hot air catching in your throat as Tom watched you. 

“What were you going to say?” You asked quietly. 

“I was just going to say how sorry I am.” He replies, his voice barely above a whisper. You found yourself subconsciously pressing your cheek into his palm. “I know I shouldn’t have left things the way I did, I just… I didn’t know what else to do.” 

“I know.” You said quietly. 

As you looked at the boy in front of you, the one you’d been so infatuated with for so long, it was as though everything was forgiven, as if nothing had happened at all. 

All you could think, all you could bring yourself to think was that you felt so happy that he was in front of you again and you never wanted him to go. 

Before you could help yourself you reached up and wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him close to you forcefully, clinging to him. Tom responded immediately, his arms enveloping you tightly and large hands running slowly down your back. 

"Baby," I can't help but call her that

Even though I shouldn't say it

She was my baby girlI might never get her back

But I don't mind being patient, yeah

“Baby,” he whispered, lips moving against the skin of your neck where his face was pressed. The warmth of the familiar nickname mixed with his whiskey-tinted breath mingled deliciously on your skin. 

“Yes?” You delicately traced the growing hairs along the nap of his neck, twirling them between your fingers. 

“I’d wait forever for you.” He breathed. You felt your heart swell. 

“You don’t have to wait at all.” Your voice was hushed now, heavy with the threat of tears. 

You could feel the problems you shared melting away, pooling at your feet. His hot tears burned on your neck, singeing your skin, and you pulled him impossibly closer to you. 

“M’in love with you.” Tom mumbled, sniffling before he pulled back slightly to look at you. 

The heat from your cheeks seem to have transferred to his, his face now dotted with redness and streaked with tears. You reached up with both hands to wipe the tears away gently with your thumbs. 

“I’m so in love with you.” You said finally as his eyes scanned your face desperately. They were twinkling, and a grin was growing on his face as he ran his hands down to your hips, squeezing them. He leaned in, giving you the gentlest and most intimate kiss you’d ever had, and it made it feel as though your whole body was on fire. 

“You have no idea,” he murmured in between soft and fervent kisses pressed to your lips, “I’ve waited to hear you say that to me.” 

His hands were tangled in your hair and you giggled softly against his lips, running your hands down his torso, feeling his lean figure as he pushed closer to you.

He kissed you once more and you let out a soft noise of disappointment as he pulled away, pressing his hands against the counter on either side of you.

“We have to finish cleaning the kitchen, remember?” He teased quietly, pinching the skin of your waist gently. You squealed and grabbed his hand tightly. 

“Quit it,” you said softly, his touch causing you to shiver. He laughed softly. “Besides,” you said as he ran his hands around to the small of your back, pulling you against him and kissing you again as you began walking him backwards towards your bedroom. “the kitchen can wait.” 

[thecarelessmint]

Dear Me,

Its been a while. It’s been a little over a year and things have changed, 

How am I? I’ve changed, I’m colder, I’m much more closed off, I cry a lot, I’m still hypersensitive but I don’t think that’s going anywhere.

I have some good news though, that horrible thing we went through, depersonalization, it’s gone. 

I wrote the first dear me in August before drama camp, which I was unfortunately depersonalized for, but coming September, it was gone. I don’t know if it was the familiar atmosphere of being back in school and being consistently surrounded my people and emotions, but it left.  

That following winter, S.A.D wasn’t all that bad either, it was definitely there but it wasn’t the worst it’s been. 

It’s easy to say that last July (2016), was the worst month of my life, I had never been so lost in my 15 years of living (at the time, and yes I’ve accepted my real age and since it’s just between me and you, I’m using it), it was also one of the most alone I had ever felt. 

Mental Health wise: I think I suffer from anxiety, I say suffer because truly I’m suffering. 

Recently, the family and myself went to Seattle and Phoenix. It was probably the most anxiety ridden I had ever been.

Everything made me angry, I snapped at every single minor inconvenience, and I just wanted to be left alone, I still do, I just want to be alone. 

Being with other people has caused me a lot of issues, I love being with people and conversing, but I’d rather just stay alone, it causes less to worry about, no more stress about being home on time, how I’m going to get home, remembering to have fun. 

I guess a lot of it has to do with how I was raised, going out was much harder than simply staying home, having to ask for permission to simply see my friends outside an adult controlled environment and knowing that I was going to be turned down the offer was given me too much anxiety over making plans that I usually just bail out on them.

This makes me feel extremely guilty because I genuinely like the people, but I JUST CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE. 

Going out itself is a hassle, the pressure to consistently be happy during the few hours you spend with another person in order to leave it a happy memory shouldn’t be as hard as it is. 

On a happier note, reading last year’s ‘Dear Me’, I can say the love for myself has only grown, I love me, so much! I love my quirks and the stupid things I do. I love how I completely bop out to a song and then realize how stupid I look but keep going. I love that I’m in love with myself. I raked myself through the mud with hate but here I am treating myself with gentle care. 

Removing myself from situations that make me upset, feeding myself regardless of how late it is because I’m hungry and who cares about weight. Wearing whatever I feel happy in, (like that pompom hair piece from F21) understanding that I am probably the weirdest person to have walked this Earth but also I’m cute as heck. I’m trying my /best/ to stay hydrated but I don’t even have a water bottle so ya girl is struggling. 

I’m slowly improving myself and paying more attention to how I react to things. I’ve become really picky with what I eat after I puked for 12 hours that one day in March, it was fucking shit, I deadass have a fear of puking now. It hurts.

I’m still hella into space and deep sea, I went to the aquarium in Phoenix and cried cause I love the sea. The entire family went, but as much as I was having fun, as soon as I found out that everyone else found it boring, the entire experience was ruined, I was more or less upset the rest of the day, do you see the problem? Stuff like this shouldn’t happen, it was an amazing experience but whenever I think back, all I can feel is this heavy weight because of how sad I felt that I was basically dragging them around but also because we left really early. Man, I really wanted to stay but it was 1 against so 5, so who was I to make them stay. 

Anime is still a huge part of my life, Naruto ended and I’m /hurt/. Yuri On Ice came out that November-December and honestly, what a life changing show, it was so gay, and canon. I miss, I can’t wait for season 2. I watched Kimi No Na Wa (a movie) and truly what a beautiful movie, that’s all I can say, visually it’s stunning. The characters are amazing but can I remember their names? Nope. 

Remember how we saw that ad for Goblin on Facebook and had it bookmarked for weeks but never watched it. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU (sit down this is going to take a while). So, because I watched anime and it was in another language, why couldn’t I give Kdramas a try, LITTLE DID I KNOW. I never ended up watching Goblin on my own. 

Months passed and it was around February when I started getting into Korean girl groups, that’s right, Kpop. Oh My Girl was too cute for me to ignore so I stanned them (YooA and Binnie, my kids), time passed and I couldn’t quite get into their music, so I just stopped. I stayed away from the boy groups because of the drama that came along with them (a misteak). 

Even more time passed, Patty recommended a Kdrama called Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, LIFE CHANGING, REVOLUTIONARY, THE PUREST! I watched 11 hours worth of it in one day, sleep who? Needless to say I loved it, I loved every single character, Nam Joo Hyuk could kill me and I’d say thanks.

On April 15th, 2017, (that fateful day) I watched Unfair - EXO for the first time and my life was changed, Kim Jongdae stole my heart. This was bad though, it was towards the middle of the second semester, I didn’t have time for this, but did I care? No. Sleep became foreign to me, I needed to catch up on the 5 years I missed. I somehow graduated. 

My bias list is a mess, it ranges from Jongdae, Minseok, Kyungsoo, BBH, Junmeyon, Sehun, Jongin, Yixing and PCY, oh would you look at that, it’s the entire group, ha AHAHAHHAHAHAHAH, let me live. 

It only got worse from there, I watched hella Kdramas but did I ever finish them? No. Why? I truly don’t know. 

As soon as it gets angsty and yeet out so fast, I can’t handle angst, I don’t like sad things, my life’s already a mess, I came here for a good time. 

If you’re reading this a year later and still haven’t finished The Entertainer I will come to the future and fight you, fucking finish it, I understand you’ll cry, we’re the same person, but finish it! It deserves better than this, you’re deadass on the last episode you hoe, (love you). 

Also finish My Shy Boss, but I feel like you’ll have that one done, it’s harder to watch but it hurts less. It makes sense, I know what I mean.

Moving on, you see I was avoiding BTS like the plague, their fandom is terrifying and there was too much going on, I was safe and happy with EXO (featuring NCT127), I was proud of them for their Billboard Award, like yes you did that congrats, but that was all. 

Fast forward to me just chilling and deciding to finally give them a try, I turned to their MV’s, Spring Day was cute and I got it stuck in my head a lot, Fire was too much and I instantly closed the tab. I wanted to see my sister’s reaction to Fire and she liked them. I was confused, my sister hates KPOP (bc of me), so I delved in, did my research trying to find out who was who, this was where it started. 

I knew, I knew, I had no chance, it was over. My first bias was that bastard Jeon Jungkook, at this time, I always forgot Suga, Jimin and Rap Monster looked too similar to me (forgive me, I was young) V? Jhope? Jin? 

I got better with names, but EXO was still #1 for me, what changed all of this was RUN BTS. I was watching it the same time I was watching EXO - Showtime, but slowly stopped watching Showtime, to Y’know, ‘savour it’, (I wasn’t going to admit to myself that I liked another group more.

Run BTS helped with recognition and learning about their character, this is where it went wrong, these idiots are extremely lovable so I fell in head first. I quickly learned I was Min Yoongi and Park Jimin trash, only later did I find out their was a ship for them (we aren’t gonna talk about this, you already now). 

I could talk for days about Jimin, I remember I would cry every time I saw photos of him because HE WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I CRIED WHEN I LATER FOUND OUT THE SHIT THAT HE WENT THROUGH AND IS STILL GOING THROUGH ABOUT HIS WEIGHT AND HIS IMAGE, HE DESERVES SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER. 

AND FUCKING AGUST D OVER THERE, THAT CINNAMON ROLL’S STORY HURT ME, I haven’t listened to the mix tape yet (It’s a year old now) because I need to recover from simply knowing that he went through that. 

I am Bangtan SonyeonDONE WITH THIS GROUP. I have this odd love for them, and I couldn’t tell you why. If this is a phase, this is the best damn phase of my life, I was miserable in the One Direction fandom, everyone was fighting, but the KPOP fandom, still filled with fan wars, is too funny. The memes are why I stay, music? what music? 

(I hope you still listen to the evening acoustic playlist on Spotify, it got me through the States trip.))

I’m gonna continue talking about BTS because I just need to let all this out, I might not do a whole paragraph on each member but don’t fight me on this alright. 

Kim Namjoon,  the good lord, the savior, the leader of Bangtan, the one I want to meet most. I feel so many feelings for this man, I just want to go to a coffee shop and talk about life. I watch his vlives when looking for comfort because HE GETS IT! He thinks the things I thought only I did and never speak about because they’re ‘not normal’. I see him less as this celebrity and more as a friend, and I know how cringey and all that this is but listen, hear me out, I’ve only ever wanted to meet two celebrities in my life and they are Misha Collins and now Joon, and that’s on the sole fact that I feel I can talk to them, just talk.

This is not to say I wouldn’t want to meet the rest of Bangtan, I love them all, heck Jimin is my bias, but there’s something about Namjoon I can’t put my finger on. 

(Also this is hella long compared to last year’s and I’m not sorry, It’s been a whole year soooo.)

Moving on from Kpop, relationships in my life. 

Maria - we talk on snapchat, we met up at the Mac grad, its causal. 

Bruno - best friend, love of my life, my boyfriend, he doesn’t judge me and gives me my space, love this kid.

Patty - my kid! we talk everyday and we’re about to hit 100 on snapchat, planning a trip to Tokyo and Seoul. 

Tanika - madre, I love:), she’s leaving Edmonton in January though, and that’s honestly just hella sad

Erika - baby buhler who’s also my mom, the most accepting, i love her so much, i appreciate so much 

Danait - my kid pt.2, always listens to me rant about kpop, became a BTS fan 

Blake - i’m only adding him because he’s comfortable, a smiley baby 

Yadiel - A SMILEY BABY, i love him :(

Dead Relationships:

Talia - I’m burning this one to the ground, it was fucking ridiculous, her mom messaged me like ???, 10/10 glad I ended it. 

Lucas - can fucking suck my ass, I hate this kid so much, why did I let this drag on for so long 

That entire girl group - I don’t know man, it’s really weird but I can’t stay friends with them, Igtg 

Jordan - we stopped talking because I’m gr8 at talking 

That’s all for that.

I love myself, I love you, I love my friends, we’re starting uni !!

We got accepted into the UofA & Macewan, (going to macewan though)

I hope you survive! I honestly don’t know how you’re going to do this, but you got this !! I believe in you !

(Stand Talent, Stan Beyond The Scene (I still love EXO very much))