#and in a really cramped car
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truly in rhe worst headspace feeling out of my mind rn cause i socialized with people for an action and so many tjingd came up
#1 its really hard to be like 1 out of 2 fat people in a group of 25 like i did not miss this part of being fat when i was skinny lol#2 im just painfully boring to talk to i feel like i dont really know how to emote with my voice and so everything just sounds really flat#3 i dont really get a majority of jokes people make or i just dont find them funny and its really painful being the only person in the car n#not laughing or trying to pretend to laugh but its just an obvious fake laugh like i dont get jokes or references or i dont know enough abou#about life to know when things are funny or how to relate to them enough to know what the average reaction should be#so that comes back to point 2 where its just fucking boring as hell to talk to me because everything you tell me i jusr react with 'oh' or#if its a mundane thing i over react because im thinking thats how the average person would react to it but then i just sound strange#4 my ocd was going wild todau because i have intrusive thoughts about 'what if i believe (immoral thing)'#which really doesnt help me at an action for palestine because well im just questioning how i eben feel about it eben tho i know how i feel#anout it (positively$#like i just feel like everything i do is wrong#i feel so out of place in every situation no matter where i am#my body is too big and i just cant relate to the average person it seems like#my body isnt too big but when youre in a group where youre like one of the only bigger people ueah thats how it feels#and in a really cramped car#covid resllt ruined my social ability to relate to others and stuff i feel like im just a boring ugly ball of nothig basically that people#have to interact with#i#also i should clarify no ones body is too big or too small or too much of anytjing#also feel like i need to clarify yes the intrusive thoughts about immoral things and things that go against my moral code are intrusive they#arent real
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Thank you so much for all the kind birthday wishes! I'll try and respond to them soon! You guys are so sweet and I love all of you <3
#naff nuh huh#okay so reason why i'll be slow to respond is in the tags so please don't keep reading if you don't want to read about being sick#SICK WARNING READ NO MORE#anyways#went to my favorite Brazilian grill last night for my birthday#loved it everything was great the coconut limeade was delicious#but the second we left i threw up everything in my mom's car#then all through the night#i was throwing up bile and uhhhh not doing so great on the other end#i think i got food poisoning#my stomach cramped so hard that i just wanted to lay down and never get back up#soooo#start of birthday: we're so back#end of brithday: we're so over#no one else who ate with me got sick though#so i'm not sure what did it but my whole body revolted#it was a really nice birthday despite all of that <3
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can we have more of cheng yi idly rambling about random things on roadtrips, please (奇妙之城 | marvelous city S2E3)
#i love how he's just chilling here. most of the time we don't see him this relaxed fr#also why does he sit like me on long car drives#is this just a thing for people whose torso/leg ratios mean that sitting in a car for a long time gets really cramped#cheng yi#video#ashton originals
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whatever shall i do with the rest of my day today
#No car no money no school mfs when they dont have work#actualy i have money but i hate spending it#I have been productive so far i cleaned a lot in my room#and got this old futon that i dont use out and put it on the porch#but then my mom got mad bc its on the porch#and shes also mad bc wecant find the duct tape to put it in this big plastic bag so the trash guy will take it#and its my fault we cant find the duct tape bc i used it last and have No fucking idea where i put it#But its okay#My room looks nicer#i want to remove this metal frame on the bottom bunk of my bunk bed#that was where the futon was#so i can put my desk there.. my room would be sm less cramped#but i need an allen wrench to unscrew the thingy#and i have ONE i found under th ebed when iwas cleaning but its slightly too big#OH i need to do my duolingo#i want to draw really bad too ive been itching to draw for like. weeks#but i cant get myself to do it im like scared#i kind of wanna play oblivion too#Or bee swarm simulator. The world is my oyster my schedule is free.
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besties what does it mean when a straight man bakes bread and steam mops his entire house and goes out and buys sweet treats before you come over
#this wasn’t normal bread either he made a HERB AND GARLIC LOAF and then proceeded to dice shallots and onions to make a lil flavour burst#on top after it came out then made a chili infused oil to dip it in…#THEN ASKED IF (WE) WANTED HIM TO MAKE A BOARD WITH CHEESE AND MEATS LIKE???#HUH????#and yeah steam mopped all of their floors cleaned top to bottom#he did about 20x more than my actual friend would ever dream of 😭#THEN ALSO WENT TO A BAKERY AND GOT DONUTS?? HELLO???#i am still flabbergasted hours later#he also got play angry at me that i got in the backseat of the car and was like ‘no you should take the front’#and after i refused cause he’s TALL he got in the passenger door and then proceeded to move his seat all the way up so he was cramped and#i had a ton of room#i was just like… is this… what men are really capable of?#today truly made me enamoured with the kindness men can apparently be capable of AND HE DOESNT KNOW ME SUPER WELL#we’ve hung out like three times prior and two of which were within this last week#anyway what a kind man again my friend would never lmao#forgot the most important part: this man is a guy friends’ roommate!#talk time
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As a fan of fun action films I got recommended Bullet Train a LOT and I finally watched it...
The only time I laughed was when the girl got isekai'd by that truck 😭
#incredibly unfun. dragged on for 2 hours. boring cramped fight scenes cos train. the silent car fight should have been total silence#didn't make sense that no one on the train noticed all the fights and broken glass and blood and OPENLY CARRIED PISTOLS IN JAPAN#whole film weirdly poked fun at Japan? there were 2 ARENT BIDETS CRAZY?? jokes and the mascot sucked#people had hyped up tangerine and lemon but they were so boring#people kept calling prince (?) kid and child and I was like that is a full grown adult woman#Brad Pitt was bland and unfunny#they derail a whole 2 bullet trains and there's like 0 impact#feel like I wasted 2 hours#was really hoping for better?
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Man. What was wrong with today. At least I got to play yakuza ig.
#car 1 was really broken and repairs will cost thousands (usd)#car 2 broke down in the pouring rain#basement flooded#old lady's cat is dead so i didnt get to talk to her like she wanted#period cramps#like wtf#not cool#vent post#op
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apologies, another n//sfw rant in tags
#okay well not a full rant#just more of a hilarious story#The Girl and i have talked about using a strap before and i finally worked up the nerve to go get one#and i get to the store get the strap while The Girl waits in the car because she’s too shy to come in with me#i buy the strap (i even talk to the sales person in the store) get back out to the car and The Girl says#i’m having really bad cramps…. i think i just started my period#nssjjdhwdiNSBAGDWEKWMDBjshamfnebjsskNSKAMbhdjsmdn#unreal timing! unreal!#so yeah plans were derailed but hopefully will happen next week lmaooo jsssjdmdkdkjajddnnsjdk#we were both dying about it#also i love The Girl don’t think i’ve said that on here before#but wow i love her a lot#myken talks#The Girl
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Today is good I think. My brain isn’t fully happy my body isn’t fully happy but I’m treating myself kindly anyways
#I hate you chemical imbalance in my brain everything is going so incredible and I’m still not happy I’m only content#I picked up weed went for a drive hung out with my mom swam in the pool sat in the sun took a warm shower got high#I think I might journal or read for a bit maybe do a face mask while I read and smoke#watching Rick and morty also counts as self care I think. season three specifically is self care. I know pretty much all the words I’m just#mouthing along the entire epsidoe it’s heavenly#I think I might paint my nails too hmm am I feeling masculine enough to present fem recently. thank you buzzcut I love you buzzcut#I also did my eyeliner today and wore my cute earrings#did I post pocket joe on my dash. I think I forgot him there and he’s gonna be in the car all weekend in an airport parking lot lmao whoops#sorry pocket joe. I’m watching pickle rick epsidoe it’s so good. it’s beautiful out today even tho it’s sunny and I don’t think I’m burnt so#that’s incredible and then also when I took my warm shower I used my body scrub I haven’t used in like months and now my arms and legs feel#super soft it’s fantastic I am in a good mood today I just have to think really hard to actually feel it bc I have a headache and cramps#(still. not. fucking. bleeding. ANGRY.)#and I’m still sad about my middle school teacher dieing but I’m trying not to think about it so it’s fine
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debates about queer representation are tired even if they do express real pain & frustration but i am entering the chat to say that i have literally never seen my relationship to being gay portrayed in media anywhere. my relationship to being gay is that when i figured out i wasn't straight i was like, immensely relieved & delighted, & then when i spent the next two years wanting to kill myself constantly & thinking i was responsible for every bad thing on earth i was still like, "but at least i'm gay. like, thank god for that. at least i'm gay, that's going for me. everything else about me may be bad but at least i'm gay." life-saving, to be real with you. even now when i am having a bad day i'm like, "well, i'm still gay! so that's good!"
mostly my point here is that there is a vast expanse of feelings that people have about being gay, and it sucks that we have relatively few narratives for what coming out might feel like or how it might work when it is, still, a momentous occasion for most people, but it's also an invitation to reflect on how fuckin great it is to be gay. if people were mean to you about it i will break their knees. being gay is awesome & i love you
#references to past suicidality#irredeemable whining#i don't disdain or look down on straight people i'm just really glad that i'm not straight & that i know that about myself#my cramps rn are so bad i am so miserable about it BUT AT LEAST I'M GAY#a driving force in my being annoying about youth services in libraries is the queer youth group meeting i went to in a public library#& how i felt weeping in my car afterward thinking about how you can be gay & live. you can be gay & just some guy. you can just live.#i want to be there in my lace-up boots with my ring of keys for any kid who needs to see me#tbd probably sorry friends have a good night!!
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My legs hurt
#kay’s random stables#hours of dancing and then three hours of being in a cramped car do not work wel together#I did have a really good time at the wedding tho#got to spend a lot of time with some of my cousins which was fun
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ow!
#cramps on a long car trip.. . hell on earth. tbh. on one hand i do have aspirin & i like. don't have to Do anything all day..#on the other hand my hips ALREADY really fucking ache from a weekend of standing & walking all over the place & sleeping in the car.#& i can't curl up in a little ball. so. as i said. hell on earth waiting for this shit to kick in :|#txt
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so I’m trying to move cause this apartment sucks, and my dad suggested I see if my aunt (who is also my godmother) would let me move in with her, cause she’s got a big house and she’s been living alone since her husband (my uncle and godfather) died. and she lives a bit far from work but not terribly inconvenient, and she loves me and likes animals so neither me nor my bird would be unwelcome housemates.
and like trying to move I’ve shifted some priorities cause I’ve realized I don’t actually like living in the city proper and I would like to have trees and nature around and yknow not have my home be a mice-infested basement with no climate control with the entrance off a back alley that’s filled with dead rats and broken glass.
and it is taking everything in me to not just cave and ask her if she wants a housemate asap. she’s retired, she’ll love my bird, and I will be the best resident ever if she would have me.
but she’s also 30-40 mins out of the city with no public transit that goes to the city, and my car just absolutely shit the bed so I would have to get a car and/or figure out borrowing one from her or another family member
but also. cheap rent and guaranteed meals and in-house laundry and a big house with a big yard and a big garden and also I’m genuinely worried about my aunt living alone as she gets older so like???????? I’m very very very tempted.
#shhh sharkie#biggest thing in this current like literally today right now moment#is that my car just absolutely shit the bed so I am car-less until further notice#I’m gonna get a bike and I can do public transit and that from where I live now#but I don’t want to stay where I am now. it sucks for a lot of reasons.#but it is a straight shot to and from work#(and honestly biking more often is gonna be good for my knees)#and her place is a 30-40 min drive from the city#so unless she’s got a car I can use or someone else does until I have the money to buy a car#it’s not feasible for me to live with her at the very current moment#but my dad keeps pressing the idea and I keep thinking about it more and more#she would be lovely to live with and she would love my bird#i don’t think she has any other pets and she lives alone and she has a four bedroom house in the country like??? why would I not!#i was even saying like. I don’t really do night-life city stuff anymore. it’s not my jam and it’s not important to me really?#so it wouldn’t horribly cramp my style to live there. i’d have to reconfigure with some DnD stuff but it’s not totally inaccessible yknow?#ugh I’ve got a lot of thinking to do in general im gonna end this here and go try and clean my house
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That ‘is this UK uni accommodation or a Swedish prison’ game is so funny but also so depressing
#literally it’s bringing back flashbacks of my final year of undergrad when i realised i was going to have to live on campus#or close to campus because i’d forgotten how to drive because i’d been in america for a year sans car#but then i missed the deadlines for good acommodation (because america) so i went for the cheapest option that was still available to me#which was a room in a building that ended up being CONDEMNED at the end of that academic year#guys it was so bad. there was racist graffiti all over the walls because no one had any respect for the place#broken glass in the courtyard. no lounge; you had to sit on the metal stairs to hang out#the stairwells just had brick walls. the kitchens were built to be shared by 6 persons maximum but forced to house 9 so they were so cramped#it was unbelieveable. i started eating at weird times so i wouldn’t have to awkwardly stare at someone while waiting for a counter/stovetop#to be free. on top of this there were wasp and silverfish infestations; my window was so drafty that hailstones came in once#the mattresses were full of fiberglass and felt like they were made up entirely of springs; and there were ground-in vomit and piss stains#on my chair and floor#and i paid ~£90.50 per week~ for this#the only thing that kept me sane was the free bus pass. i never missed a class and i went to campus every single day#and attended tons of random events and guest lectures just to not be in my room. i’d be the only person in the library at 8am on a sunday#my flatmates were a bunch of insane first years who drank and screamed at all hours so that didn’t help either. i didn’t make any friends#it was just so bad. there were never any community events taking place either and i saw the RAs exactly once. they were completely useless#reception nearly lost the kindle i ordered. i thought about doing laundry once and saw that the laundry room was absolute unmitigated chaos#so i was like ‘fuck it i’ll just wait until i’m home next weekend’ and i went into town to buy clothes to tide me over#it was just such a horrible experience. and i hate that it’s a universal one#uk universities are really like ‘give us £9k in tuition fees and also pay an arm and a leg for your accommodation.#no we will not be improving our accommodation’ it makes me fucking crazy. like where is my money GOING#you find out they spent millions refurbishing a building that didn’t need to be refurbished and you’re like. you could’ve replaced#the carpet in my room for maybe a couple of hundred quid considering how small the room is#pisses me off. my advice to undergrads is visit potential halls of residence and read reviews of them#and don’t just let them dazzle you with the tour where they only show you the good rooms - poke around. see if there’s damp or wasps#look for stains. etc. or better yet; find a half decent landlord and rent a room in a house#i had a way better time during my master’s and it was because i talked to landlords and visited their houses and brought my nosy mum#and i picked a landlord who only housed postgrads; mature students & professionals. you couldn’t pay me to live in halls again#personal#rant
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y’all what on earth is wrong with my body today
#Oh my gosh ow#Like shit#Some of it is to be expected#Like I get a lot of headaches and it’s pretty normal for general pain and stomach problems#But fuck man#For one thing like. All my limbs are sore??? Idk why??? Like. My arms don’t give me problems?? They don’t really hurt very often???#Why do they hurt??? also why does my right shin hurt??? That’s super random???#It does not pair well with the normal hip + knee pain#Also like my stomach is super weird today??? Got so nauseous on a random car ride I thought was gonna be sick#Ok headaches actually normal. This is how most headaches are. But they pile on#Right along with those random shocks of ear splitting ear pain (see what I did there) that come along to keep me on my toes#Also now I’m having like awful reflux. Which hasn’t happened to me since I was like nine so I don’t even know.#And to be clear: I am not sick. I do not feel a sick vibe. This is just a my body vibe.#Joints hurt head hurts stomach aching digestive system angry ear hurts uterus hurts all of which for no real reason#In short: ow ow ow ow#I’ll just blame it all on my period (which I’ve been having cramps for for a week and a half and haven’t gotten) and sleep it off
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I've been avoiding writing a lot because my laptop keyboard has had some mild issues, and I don't want to spend a lot of money to fix it, so today I picked up a new extremely cheap wireless keyboard and this thing is great!
FOR SURE now I have no reason not to work on my story! :)
#semi serious i guess#it really does cramp my style when i can't just type real quick and trust the keyboard to work#anyways i have to take my car in for a spa day tomorrow so i'll be at the library probably#working on story#or that's the plan at least#fingers crossed there's nothing even more wrong with my car than they alread knew about
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