#and im trying to avoid drama and do the dont like dont read thing

[lunar-fandom-eclipse]

Current mood: wanting to block someone so I don't have to see them being an asshole on content I like, but then if I do that I miss out on any content that's reblogged from their stuff, even if I'm subscribed to the post. If the person is involved in the chain of reblogs, the whole thing vanishes from my sight. And then I miss out on good content!

But DAMN do I not want to see anything that person says any more. I was giving them the benefit of the doubt but if anything they've gotten meaner.

[glitchinginhyperfixis]

i’m gonna be honest about something there are still things i’m afraid to post about on here bc i’m always worried about what other people think of me. so if i suddenly start rbing shit from a fandom you wouldn’t expect or a ship you don’t like, please be prepared. i’m sorry but i’m trying to practice self-care <33

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

i'm cry laughing some people on twitter are now saying "izzy bashing" needs to be tagged in fics. how did these people ever survive watching this show where izzy is the CANON ANTAGONIST i'll never know

benefit of the doubt but i think most of them have gotten to this point gradually. when they first watched the show they were not attached to izzy the way they are now. i know for a lot of people it was blorbo at first sight with izzy but i've also seen izzy enjoyers say they didn't like him at first, and then fandom made them care about him.

like i'm pretty sure for a lot of ppl it started off with isolating themselves from ppl who made posts that they didnt like, like ppl who criticized ofmd for being based on two real people with direct connections to actual real-world slave trade (which is an incredibly valid thing to criticize abt ofmd).

another one that i think funneled a lot of fans towards being so delusionally attached to izzy was people pointing out or complaining about the disproportionate amount of fan content for izzy compared to prominent characters of color—which is a consistent issue in fandom no matter what the media, and is also a very easy one for people to be uncomfortable with whenever they see it get pointed out. people venting that "fans care too much abt this white man" often make fans who care abt that white man very defensive right off the bat, and then rather than engage with why they feel defensive or question if maybe their enjoyment of this character is fueled by implicit bias (which it might not be, to be clear! im not saying—and i have never said—that everyone who enjoyes izzy likes him for racist reasons), they stop listening to the conversation abt white favoritism and continue blorboposting as much as they want. it's incredibly easy for fans to brush off this convo as "just starting drama" and avoid the topic altogether because "fandom is for fun!" and they dont want to think abt difficult topics like racism and implicit bias, they just want to enjoy their blorbos in peace.

so they kept narrowing the takes they were seeing until they were in an echo chamber that kept moving more and more towards complete woobification of izzy hands. these people are now looking at the show entirely through izzy's pov, making posts abt how sad it is that none of the other characters are ever nice to him, how frustrating the show is from his perspective, how it feels to be deeply in love with someone who doesn't love you back. they've stared at gifs of con's micro-expressions and read angsty fanfiction and looked at endless izzy fanart and their entire ofmd fandom experience revolves around empathizing with this one character even tho the show itself continually makes him the butt of the joke.

at this point, telling these people to rewatch the show doesn't even matter. they've spent so much time over-analyzing every single one of izzy's scenes to the point where the emotional responses they get from these scenes are not the emotional responses anyone would have watching the show for the first time. they've warped the entire first season to fit their version of the show and are forgetting how often the show itself bashes izzy.

and the icing on the cake is the trolling. there's like, one or two people on here who go around sending anon hate and leaving nasty comments on instagram posts and harassing people on twitter for... like, i would say "for liking izzy" or even "for saying positive things about izzy" but like. i've gotten these messages, and the most sympathetic i've ever been to izzy was the post i made like "maybe he's mean bc he has chronic IBS. i'd actually understand him more if that were the case." so when i get these messages it's easier for me to just laugh them off bc it's so obviously just someone trying to make me upset, but people who do care about izzy (a lot of them being the same people who avoided engaging with the "why does fandom care so much abt white characters" convo) get these absolutely horrible messages about how they deserve to get hate crimed and they should kill themselves. and these fans who didn't want to even see vaguely negative posts abt izzy bc they just want to enjoy fandom in peace are now like "im targeted for just liking a character!"

so that's how we get to people saying that "izzy bashing" needs to be tagged. never mind that their definition of "bashing" almost certainly includes things that are not bashing but are just things that contradict the way they headcannnon him.

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/724520280283856896/im-gonna-be-honest-i-think-people-need-to-chill?source=share

To all those comments

Yes i do forget my cis friends pronouns. Especially when they are suddenky trying something new.

But the thing is i dont have visual indicators for alot of them, and it wouldnt matter if i did because someones looks dont determine their pronouns. All my friends are online or penpals. Sometimes i get voice but that doesnt mean shit when i cant remember who is talking half the time. Or that i remeber the persons whos talkings pronouns

Alot of my online friends have their like... Birth pronounss aswell as something else. Some of them prefer the other thing. Mate im in a discord server i cannot remember every single persons pronouns in there.

Some of my friends put their pronouns in their username. And that helps, sometimes ill remember it longer because of the repitition of seeing it. But even then i am still able to forget it. Its harder when im focusing on a game and not able to focus on remembering someones pronouns.

For my pen pals we spend so much time emailing or mailing eachother that we dont even talk about pronouns. Our own pronouns rarely ever even come up ive even had ny first one admit they forgot mine and was too afraid to ask at that point and avoided it at all costs because theyvdidntvwant to risk lossing me as a friend. It wasnt a big deal.

And you know what? They dont have so much of a problem with it as yall do. I forget things. All the time i forget things. Most of my friends also have disorders or disabilities of somekind so they understand. I just forget things.

Sometimes i have to look back at discord to see the name of whoever is talking to me. Like i said i forget peoples names.

Im sorry yall cant understand that i really do forget things.

And even then. Even if my memory werent so trash. People forget things all the time. Even people with a good memory. Sometimes you get so absorbed in something your talking too fast and focusing on something that you use the wrong pronouns for someone or who your talking to. This happens to one of my friends occasionally.

Its not a big deal. My pronouns get forgottem all the time too. Honestly i dont care personally about it becaise i prefer to be called by my name instead. Newer people get my pronouns wrong all the time. Its nit a big deal. Hell i dont even know if my sister even knows what my pronouns are.

I get that it can be frustrating. I do try. But i cannot help it if i cant remeber something.

"just ask" i do. But sometimes i dont think before i talk or think ive remebered them correctly and i get them wrong.

As someone with the worst memory on earth, you can tell whos doing it on purpose and who has actually just forgotten.

Also thanks for jumping to conclusions and getting mad because you cant comprehend the life of someone other than yourself. I have bigger problems than remembering my friends pronouns specifically. Its not like i dont try to remember them, but like with everything else i just forget them. I forget things about my long term friends because our lives and friendship dont revolve around remembering eachothers pronouns and then berating eachother for forgetting. Most of what we do is talk about games or books we read. What shops weve been going to or bad snacks we try. In between all the actaul stuff we do its normal to forget things that arent talked about.

And i prefer it like that rather than some big art discord i tried joining a while back and there was almost twice weekly drama over someone forgetting someones pronouns. That level of stress and worry over pronouns is not normal for anyone. And. Yeah some of those times it was people dping it on purpose bit most of them from what i saw was usually teenagers antagonizing others for not focusing their entire life on what pronouns they were using. Even when someone apologized it wasnt enough. It was disgusting to see and stressful.

Idk what to tell any of you.

--

Frankly, I think a lot of the disagreements are actually over what 'friends' implies.

[spilltheteawithme]

I sometimes wonder what is in some peoples head? Some extreame shippers really go down the delulu road hard. Imagine not being able to live knowing someone have different opinion than you and don't like the same people you like that you feel that you have to print all this anons and blogs to present to your favorite celeb in order to what? I guess end whole tumblr, what you think is going to happened? Some even think aw was pap without her consent and try to help her by trying to take the photos down and fight with paps. Writing this it don't sound real but it is. They really don't see that for them all talk is good talk because they are on front pages and have people interested again. Until there will not be a serious accusation that could affect the career i dont think anyone is interested that people think someone is pr, is ugly or have no style or sad acting career. There are celeb big like ts, JL or even Kim K and im sure they get more hate and this type of talk than aw but i dont think they fight with whole tumblr over this. Saying you think someone is a bad or only benefit from rs is not police case. Plus it is rich coming from people who were first one to say ale was pr, laught at her every move and post, and call the same things that aw do baiting but now aw is just supporting gf. Get a grip. I hope noone will give this 'evidence' to seb on comic con because this is just embarrassing. They really can't accept tgat in thus world are people with different opinions and when argument : you whant to sleep with seb but he will never do it is not enaught they turn into some tumblr police. Really if sev or aw team would respomd to that it is in my eyes just bad for them, they would look like someone who creep into tumblr and try to police people opinions it only would give 'haters' good laught and im sure ther would be new blogs just to make fun, more and more becouse people would fall into this drama

I think it is ridiculous and hilarious that in all his years, with the amount of fans he has, they think he doesnt know people talk both good and bad. They'll no doubt leave out the horrible things they say about his exes (women he still respects) they'll leave out their creepy detailed AWxSebastian fan fic arguments and hypocritical views thinking they're better than everyone. Seb wont even give it a second look. All the PR is paid for by both their teams, trying to get it taken down or getting upset somebody doesnt agree about the situation is not "helping" them. 🤣🤣🤣 I mean, it sort of is, as it draws attention 😅 but printing random things from blogs, drama he and most celebrities actively avoid, what do you think will happen? Hes not a school teacher or your parent, hes not going to read through squabbles and gossip, and reprimand people on all social platforms. Hes mentioned it before, to learn how to ignore because you cant control what people say on the internet. A lot of you tumblr warriors here think you're standing up for him, youre typing shit without actually thinking or caring how itll affect someone on the other end while youre off going about your day all because they have different opinions.

[goldnrry]

Fic idea I probably will never write but would love to read under the cut

(Sorry this is not a girl’s girls supporting girls concept because i like drama)

You are a fan, normal girl with a boring 9 to 5 job you hate and have an one night stand with harry by some miracle (you lifetime dream) (this is absolutely self inserted and im half embarrassed)

Maybe you meet at a bar or something or you occasionally do pilates together or you even work at his dentist office

so maybe it’s a reoccurring thing or just a one night thing

After a while you find you you are pregnant and try to talk to him but it’s hard to reach him and when you finally say fuck it and goes to his house to tell him he is already dating someone or is back with his ex he was on a break with when he got you pregnant but you tell him, very shyly now because you feel like you are ruining something and the girl is not welcoming

Alternative: he sees your dms asking to meet up and he very politely declines telling you he is with someone and you are like oh ok loosing the bravery you had to tell him, but one night you say fuck it and text “im pregnant” turns off your phone in a panic and opens you phone hours later to your inbox flooded with him

Anyways you run some tests, baby is really his and you start talking more now that you are planning on coparenting

And you actually get along really well because you share the same comedy braincells

And you try to not let it show how much you like him because he has a gf and you dont want him to be with you only because you are pregnant with his baby, but like… you have a crush obviously

But he is so gentle and protective of you, there where a few occasions where he left his gf in the middle of something to pic you up or your are no feeling well and it starts taking a tool on his relationship

Scene ideas:

first of all when finally comes to his senses he likes you and break things off with his gf he casually calls you at night asking what your craving of the day is so he can bring it to you, then he tells you he broke things of and you are like “oh are you ok what happened” he looks at you for a while before replying he realised he’d rather spend his time with you two while touching your bump

Maybe you get invited to his birthday or something with all his friends and girlfriend that is near a body of water so you have a bikini on), harry is always touching you small bump and at sone point he gives in to a intrusive tough and start pressing kisses to your belly, you stay wide eyed and frozen because thats waaaay to intimate, his girlfriend is shooting darts with her eyes and the whole party is 🫣 looking between you twi and the girlfriend but he is oblivious and maybe you gently try to call him out like “harry maybe that was too much for our situation”

Maybe he is avoiding drinking and any other drugs in support of you and his gf gets annoyed “she’s not even here with us you can have a fucking glass”

Emotional moments on doctor’s appointments and buying baby stuff

Harry telling you he will stay with you, you just have to say so to him and he will, and you are crying saying of course you want you have the biggest feelings and admiration for him and now that you got to know him you love him but you are terrified of him just being excited about the pregnancy and he will get bored of you and leave you for somebe else he develops an administration for

Idk lots of yearning and angst and tension but with an happy ending

He keeps denying for a while and staying in his relationship, but there are also moments where he blurts out things like “fuck I really want to kiss you” when he is dropping you off with his car one night and you are like obviously i do too so much, but you have a girlfriend, are you really into me or are you turned on just because i pregnant with your baby and the moment you get bored you will trade me for someone else?

And a looooooooooot of him being an aquarius man with commitment issues

And he just fucking loves watching how much you are loving being pregnant 🥹 you always have a hand on your bump making this face🥹 and you even blurt out sometimes thinks like “i look so cuuuuuute” but it breaks his heart when overheard you venting out to a friend about how much you love being pregnant but you are so sad you dont get to do this with your forever person

HE CALLS YOU MAMA IN THE CUTES MOST ENDEARED VOICE

Idk if i want the baby to be born on his birthday or for you two to be together yet buttttt he wants the baby next to him when he blow his bday candles so is either the baby in his arms or you standing next to him

[eggtwobroes]

big post explaining/apologizing for my (eggtwobroes/theyhitthepentagon) behavior under the read more

sorry for maintagging this i just. think its important

i dont really kniw how to word what im thinking so im like. going to type it as im thinking. but i wanted to make a real genuine post explaining my behavior over the past year, because ive been a dick there is no avoiding it!! this post is going to be about how ive acted from june up until now. im mostly going to be explaining the situations and apologizing. if you see this please feel free to share it around, i know it most likely will not reach alot of people because i have like. a loot of people blocked. and alot of people have me blocked. idk please share this ok thank u

back in june 2022 (specifically one year tomorrow, june 16th) i got like. really worked up after i had foundout that most of my adult mutuals (and some people i followed) were drawing hlvrai nsfw! the only post i had made about it (at least from what i remember) is liiike a not Kind post that basically said "hey if u like hlvrai nsfw please block me i thought that was common sense". after i posted this a large hlvrai artist (either by chance or caused by me) posted like "hey if u shit on hlvrai porn ur homophobic! sex is an important part of gay relationships etc etc"

this caused a Massive out break of discourse over hlvrai nsfw and me getting alot of adults in my inbox being weird towards me. here i feel its important to mention that:

when i was 12, i was around Ex Friends that posted a lot of porn of media i liked. even though most of them were teenagers and not that much older than me it Greatly Impacted Me and how i act, both related to what i saw and how i was treated

i used twitter from ages 12-15 (recently left) and you know how they handle conflict there. its not good

i dont think either of these excuse how i acted (but they may explain it)

the combined pressure of getting a bunch of adults in my anons being (from my perspective) really weird about this 14 year old kid who doesnt want porn artists to interact, and the unhealed trauma of Being Exposed To Homestuck Porn When I Was 12 (a devastating situation that everyone goes though all the time) i didnt really. handle it in a Good Way. which Means i sent horrible anon hate to people.i dont clearly remember if i made alot of public posts about the situation at the time (beyond answering the anons i was getting) but if i did im very very VERY sorry.

i feel like. alot of how i acted during this time (june-early august, mostly) was extremely Dickish and rude. as much as i justify or explain why i acted the way i did, i was still causing issues and handling the situation in a way that was unhealthy for not just myself but for everyone else around me. for this i really genuinely do apologize as much as i can, to the people ive hurt (melonsharks, xenodogz, many other artists) and to the people who were annoyed by me rehashing 3 year old drama. ever since the situation i have been working towards learning to block people and move on if they make content that makes me feel nauseous.

As for how ive acted in recent months, mostly over characterization, im not going to pretend that im already a new person. because im not! as much as i say im trying to be less of an asshole im just Not. it takes effort that i feel like im not putting in.

for those who just Dont look at my pages often enough, i will occasionally make posts about how hlvrai fans treat or characterize the. characters. and lets behonest these posts are really rude and ive been working on at LEAST being more vague or keeping it in private or like. just Not Posting it. but of course i HAVENT done all of those things! ive been really unvague!

ive posted direct screenshots of authors writing (someone younger than me, ive recently learned) to shit on it for being mischaracterized. i should Not have done that. at the very least i should have kept my thoughts to myself, not even shared with my friends.

after reading how other authors and artists have felt about the things ive said, and looking at the way ive come to think of other artists or authors in the community, ive realized that even though i thought i was targetting mischaracterization and poor treatment of the characters, i was harming and discouraging artists and authors who are still learning and growing as creators.

for this, im VERY very sorry to all of the artists and writers ive hurt or discouraged with my posts. i want to personally apologize to joyflameball, for publicly posting about and hating on your writing and the discouragement i caused as a result. i should have never put mischaracterization over your own feelings, and i definitely should not have put your work on blast, especially because we are (i think) around the same age. i will be trying as best as i can to deconstruct the way ive come to think of other creators in this community and support other creators as best i can.

i dont expect to be forgiven for the way ive acted, since alot of this is VERY very recent and so far i dont think ive shown any signs of improvement. i am writing this post now because i want you all to know that i will be trying my hardest to become a better person, change the way i think of other people, and change the way i act in public. i dont think my actions can be excused, as much as i try my best to explain them from my perspective. ive undeniably hurt many people. if i havent addressed something important, or if you have any questions/things to say, please feel free to send me an ask or dm me at wretched yaoi lich#9564 on discord. im most likely going to be queueing this post alot so my followers see it. thank u for ur time

[thephantomthiefneito]

//ooc

rp sample for a Monoma audition thing in a server i wanted to share... grin!!

I couldn't really think of much to post on here and I want to try and post things daily so here's Monoma content!! eat up!

also im liek a beginner writer if u cant tell HELP.. im actually terrible in english class but im trying and learning pls dont eat me alive

The clocked ticked over and over again, piercing the ears of the blonde boy sitting nearby. His mind was too focused to pay it any attention to that.

Neito was always so quick to be drawn into a story. His eyes danced across the page, slowly absorbing every word and subtle metaphor. It was a mystery. One of his favorite genres. Horror and drama were also on that list but never romance. He tried to avoid those kinds of books all together. Sometimes it was unavoidable when an author hides hints of romantic tension between two characters but never explicitly states it. That he can handle, Though there's been a few times when romance steals the entire plot of the story but it was oddly never mentioned in the description. It happened stupidly often and ruined tons of good books for him. But this one seemed to be different. Written by an author he didn't even recognize, he was fully immersed in the story.

He had fallen in love with the plot. A boy attacked by a villain at a young age inspires him to become a hero and get revenge on his mothers murderer is suddenly framed for murder and is forced to drop out of his school and now has to search for the culprit and simultaneously run from the cops.

Right now in the story, the main character was in a life-or-death fight with his ex best friend who was the head of the case to track him down and lock him up. It was incredibly emotional and filled with feelings of betrayal. Neito would be lying if he said he didn't get the small implications of their relationship and feelings for each other prior to this but he tried not to think to hard about it. He was enjoying this book far too much to just put it down like he does with others. He has to find out what happens next. He needs to know how—

Suddenly, Neito felt a large hand on his shoulder and quickly turned around to find the source. Kendo.. Right. He was so absorbed in his book, he completely forgot he was meant to help her with the laundry..

" Silly me! I got lost in my book.. "

He spoke in a sarcastic, shrugging his shoulders as he held up the book he had been reading. He had a smile that Kendo didn't return. She didn't look happy at all.. And her words didn't seem any happier.

"I could have used the help.."

Her scowl bore a hole into his stomach and guilt became evident on his face.

" It's not like I did it on purpose! Really! I sat down to read for twenty minutes! The exact time you said it would take for you to gather all the clothes and-"

"And?"

" Well.. I forgot. "

It's actually really embarrassing. Normally, he wasn't this forgetful. He was very observant and had a memory like no other. But he's not perfect. Even Neito Monoma can make mistakes. Kendo sighed, looking off to the side.

"It's fine. I already finished it all.. But next time you're doing it all on your own. You got that?"

" Yes Sir! "

He nodded and watched as she left, letting out a huge breath of air. Maybe it was time to take a break from reading. He doesn't want to risk forgetting about any other promises.

[nemesisvortex]

Just read most of Kamisama Kiss, spoilers for Kamisama Kiss, Howl's Moving Castle, and Fruits Basket, Inuyasha, Romantic Killer beware

I need recommendations for stuff that's basically "It was you all along"

Sofie traveling back in time and telling Howl to come for her in Howl's Moving Castle

Nanami going back in time to save Tomoe and in the process of trying to keep the timeline how she thought it happened (him falling in love with Yukiji) she creates that and he falls in love with her

It was her all along

A non-time travel variant of this can be Tohru and Kyo from Fruit's Basket, especially with the bait and switch with the hat, but like, he knew and loved her all along (not immediately in Kyo's case, but he wanted to know her if I remember correctly)

I'm a sucker for all variants of lifelong companions

Childhood best-friends who lost touch and forgot about eachother only to reunite and fall in love all over again, memories slowly returning

one or both reincarnating and finding eachother again, Inuyasha was close but I disliked how they handled Kikyo and Kagome as reincarnations, it would've been nice if they had explored more of the fact that they're the same *soul* and what that means, as is, Kikyo is so horribly different from Kagome, vindictive, cold, etc etc, its hard to believe that they're kinda the same person, you can see it a little in how loud Kagome is, as like, an extreme version of Kikyo's quiet vindictiveness, but there's just too much dissonance between the two that it feels it was only a plot point for the drama + bonus damseling Kagome for a hot minute, which dont get me wrong, love a good damsel moment, but thats just when its done well, and I dont know if I can say Inuyasha handles its damseling well

A smaller variant of this was done really well in Romantic Killer, best show, where knowledge given at the end of the show recontextualizes everything before it into a micro "it was you all along", where every action Anzu did to avoid Kazuki and the whole romantic otome game plot line actually helped him and he found himself falling in love because of it, breaking his phone on accident when his trauma was acting up so he was able to briefly recover, and not pressing him on it, avoiding him (not treating him like a piece of meat) and standing up to girls who dont care about what HE wants

Yeah, stuff that recontextualizes things works really well for this I think, like Nanami making sasamochi for Tomoe when he was sick, and we see a brief flashback of someone making him sasamochi when he was a kid, and we learn later that it was also Nanami here and he was pretending to be a kid

His favorite food is sasamochi because Nanami made it, and Nanami made it because it was his favorite food, a closed loop

Side note: Kamisama Kiss has one of my favorite portrayals of time travel ever, it makes perfect sense, doesn't hurt your brain, and makes things 10x better by recontextualizing everything you thought you knew without breaking it

But yeah, this is a really long winded way of asking if anyone has recommendations for media that fulfills this particular niche, preferably without spoiling the good stuff if I choose to read it for myself, I used a lot of examples so hopefully that gets across what im looking for

I should probably do a breakdown of what I liked so much about Kamisama Kiss, I said a lot here, but yeah

"It was you all along"

gud stuff

[jennilah]

✖️️ Is there something you don’t like about your special interest?

not so much stuff I dislike about my interest specifically, or even about my current special interest, but the tendency in fandoms when you get "too deep" to encounter more in-fandom fighting and bullying. the vilifying of others because they -checks notes on hand- like a character who is kind of a jerk or something.

and by god I try to avoid it. the fandom in-fighting is what drove me away from my last two special interests. my friends can vouch, i was terrified of getting into the slasher fandom because i dont like the way the infighting makes me feel physically ill. "this time maybe I wont draw art, I wont read fics, I wont participate in fandom" i said to them. Because, like, this one is ABOUT deplorable, evil characters doing evil things!!! i dont want people to come after me for it, obviously.

aaaand that went out the window fast, because this is just how i express my love for things. i cannot exist simply loving my special interest casually, without drawing and without seeking what other fans have created. i want to see the art, the memes, the fics. I want to see it all!

im trying my best to avoid drama but yeah. that would be my least favorite thing.

(so far so good though! in fact, the fandom has been incredible so far. everyone seems to understand that, yeah, our blorbos are evil, but we love them for it)

.............

i guess 1 specific thing i dont like about my current special interest is how nasty and vulgar they made Laurie Strode in the Rob Zombie halloween movies. I just... really didnt like her and her friends at all in those.

[s-omething]

today is january 10 in 2023 and i thought i’d be happy by now.  that i’d feel at home and alive. turns out “home” just feels like some kind of extention of myself: if i’m good, it is good. if i’m not okay, it rots with me.  it isn’t filled with friends, laughs, cries, conversations, connections. no one comes, i sit in silence most of the time, looking at nothing. i have been distant, but at some point i make all efforts i could of reaching out and i guess my heart broke, i dont think friends want anything to do with me tbh.  i cant stop my mind racing on what i might have done wrong, i came up with too many answers without proof.  i thought i’d be less lonely, not more. i believed my dogs would be happier, now it just seems like i ruined their lives with my melancholy.  i buy the food i like but i still dont feel like eating it. i still drink myself to sleep sometimes, and sometimes drinking doesn’t do it either, the anxiety stays there, turns into anger.  i don’t have fun.  i am writing this today because i’m supposed to be learning to read my feelings, understand and accept them and work on communicating them, honestly it just feels like im getting it all wrong ‘cause i take too long to make it make sense and the answer is that im making drama out of small things.  i dont understand that, considering i soothe myself, do not show much emotion, control what comes out and swallow the most of it when i need to talk about it. i try to be practical and direct so they wont have a negative reaction or judgement out of it.  i think im bending to melancholic loneliness again and it’s terrifying. i have to be careful if i get sad because if it wins over me i might not get out of bed or eat or clean, work, pay bills, take my dogs for enough walks and just end up failing.  im not supposed to fail, im supposed to be happy, im home with my dogs and i am free.  am i cursed? why isnt it working? its already been 2 months, i was supposed to be okay. cooking isn’t fun anymore, i just drag myself to do it so i dont starve or get sick. while i cook i just resent myself in the fact that i will have to actually eat it later. it makes me anxious. i dont want to cook anymore.  turns out food will rot if you dont eat it, and i hate wasting food, it makes me anxious as well.  i made everything look the best i could, decorating as id like and now i absolutely hate it, to the point i avoid looking at details too long.  i have this urge to make things disappear if im not using them, it feels like too much, like they are not only standing there in the house, but standing inside my brain occupying space i don’t have. it doesn’t take too long, if i haven’t used something in a week, it starts to haunt me.  it’s been 6 hours. i finally had some bread, i had to, i could not open the bottle because of my weak ass hands.  i should cook real food, i know that, i can’t stop thinking about it.  there’s one meal left in the fridge and then im out, no meal. but i should have eaten it yesterday, its diner time today and i still couldn’t.  being honest here, i dont miss the way things were at all, i absolutely hated it and it was hell. i do miss my friends, i miss having people around, i miss having hope and plans. i daydreamed about what future would look like, now im in that future and everything is real but turns out im still me. maybe ill just never be okay.  it’s not that im not satisfied with my accomplishments, its not its just i got here, yay.. now what? i dont want anything, thinking of wanting something makes me anxious, i dont... want to want anything.  see, if i wanted all of this and i got it and im still a sad piece of shit, what’s the point? contini tastes like my 19th birthday. i drink it and feel the exact same feeling from that april 14th in 2018. i dont want anything from the future, i dont know how to accept help cause it honestly feels like torture, i love my friends but im certain i already lost them, i only listen to one song per day, repetely  thinking of changing into something else, listening to various songs or anything like that makes me want to rip out my skin on overwhelm. should i go back to anti depressants? i hate them, i hate being numb, i hate that they don’t make me happy or sad or angry or anything but empty. i absolutely will not do without orgams.  i kinda wish someone would beat me up so i could focus on something real and not stupid feelings that are just inside my brain yet having the power to paralyze me. i just need to cook some fucking food. maybe you can’t have friends correctly if you have depression, maybe i should just cook tomorrow. 

[bittyfromquotev]

"imagine telling a minor to shut up" I dont see what you being a minor has to do with it? Being a minor doesnt excuse stuff, it just means that adults shouldnt be inappropriate with you and you should avoid adult spaces because they arent suitable for your age group. being a minor doesnt mean someone cant tell me to stfu and check my behaviour, like parents and teachers do it all the time and being a minor doesnt stop that. Like I dont agree at all with how that anon went about it because that was rude and uncalled for, but that tag confused me cause its irrelevant to being told to shut up and stop stirring the pot. They should have said it not at all like that, but yeah.

and that other post where you said they were assuming your intentions? Im not sure I understand that either. Like im glad you see how the things you say makes it sound like you wanted them to try and harrass you and how that takes away from victims, but all i read from that was that they were just calling your behaviour attention seeking which isnt assuming anything about you as a person? you dont have to know someone to see what they do and perceive it in certain ways. i think it might also be a good idea to take down posts you recognise as being said impulsively in anger once youve calmed down, cause it keeps bringing you back into drama and stuff you dont wanna be a part of and if you remove them then theres less chance of people seeing it and potentially mentioning you again, which would also be safer for you.

also i dont think its great that just because someone disagreed you immeaditdly assumed they were a gore a non or supported them, cause thats also minimising what the victims go through. if you make everything "oh must be the gore anons" then it makes the actual gore anon problem meaningless cause its thrown around so much where there isnt an actual gore anon. if everyone is a gore anon then theres no gore anons bascailly. its not nice to accuse people like that willy nilly even if you dont like them. its a serious acusation that shouldnt be taken lightly and its unfair to place blame on everyone when the victims need actual answers not wild accusations

*siiigghhhhhhh* Okay. One more time, everybody!

I honestly have no idea why I said that. Thank you for pointing out how confusing that is. I think I just said that because they were being rude as fuck and I didn’t know what to say.

I say they are assuming my intentions because with the way they worded it, they think I was doing it on purpose or really DO just want attention. While I enjoy being interacted with, I don’t want to be popular in any sense. I don’t want a bunch of random people who I haven’t talked to more than once to flood my blog honestly.

While that is a reasonable idea, I don’t feel like taking down the posts I made when I was impulsive. I think people have the right to know what I can be like when I’m emotional or under pressure. I feel like me taking down those posts would be the same as me trying to hide my ugly side. If my IRL friends and family can see that ugly side, people online can too, at least to some extent.

I didn’t say that they were probably affiliated with the Gore Anons simply because they disagreed with me. I said that because they were rude and typed in a similarly aggressive way to said Gore Anons. Not many people IN this fandom other than them are rude when disagreeing with someone. Keep in mind I also said “probably” in that post. Not “definitely”.

This has been ANOTHER “clearing things up” post.

[andnowwedance]

I stopped reading halfway through because dont come into my inbox lecturing me. I stay out of this 99.9% of the time, a look at my blog will confirm that. that one blog just happened to cross my path today and i had just enough time to point out that nonsense i didnt go looking for for shit///

Same anon who sent the ask, ignore my prior reply regarding you not reading my entire post. I was being snarky because I thought you were knee deep in his fandom and asking why everything was the way it was. I understand now you haven’t been aware of many things regarding the fandom and that’s my bad. I assumed you knew the team pr and team real crap as you were in a convo with the main pr blogs who cause drama and are labeled as delusional. I was just tired of everything going back and forth.

My ask was mainly a psa to his overall fandom as well as me venting, but it was mainly to his fandom and anyone in the team pr vs team real crap because I stupidly assumed many CE fans were on your page.

I apologize.

You had a comment stating that you were trying to understand and I call myself answering your question but with sarcasm towards his fandom. I thought you’d find the humor in it, but I suck at voicing my emotions and sarcasm.

I’m over everything but I’m sorry if I came off as attacking you. That wasn’t my intention. I was in his fandom and it just got to be too much, so again I’m sorry especially if you just ended up in the middle of stuff today all from one simple ask.

I sincerely thought you knew what’s been going on and we’re one of the other blogs arguing back and forth, but regardless I should have communicated better and read the room, again I apologize.

I do stand by avoiding all fandoms so they won’t stress you out but I think I foolishly accidentally did that.

So sorry again, you’re definitely right to avoid his fans. 😅🫣

Have a wonderful weekend!

Oh ive been in this fandom for years as I stated in some of my other replies this morning. Ive VERY aware of all of it. I appreciate the apology for being snarky though. Injust want to make it clear that i DO NOT make argue with these people. Ive done a very good job at culling them out of my internet experience. Its just that loving hadnt posted in a long time and when she does its just gift and pics so she didnt get removed during the culling and when i came across her little post i just had to point out that she was making the point she thought she was making. I have this issue where i struggle to let things pass by without comment, hence the massive culling, and strangely its often about little side things and not even the main issue. Like i would never arguing with her about weather not its fake, people’s mind are made up on that and im certainly not going to change them. My point was that the article she was presenting to demonstrate that Hollywood has lots of fake relationships wasnt actually about fake relationships it was about fake marriage ceremonies for (relatively) real couples. Thats all i was trying to point out.

I unfollowed her now fyi so that shouldn’t be happening again

[keefwho]

November 18 - 2022

8:24 AM

I feel like a bad person in general today but I’m still determined to be my best. Ruminating over everything I might have done wrong won’t help me. I can only focus on being better than I was before. 

Im trying to avoid getting in my own head. I’m making a lot of assumptions right now but I know how easily that can lead to a drastic misinterpretation of events. 

12:20 PM

God I hate disingenuous people. I have someone asking if I’m okay because I didn’t do their request from yesterday yet. It seems kind hearted on the surface but they are always kissing my ass around request time, its too obvious. Now I just feel icky knowing they might be faking concern because they just want their art. Not good on a day where I already feel kinda unwanted.

1:18 PM

I don’t know why I even journal here. At the start it was to get my feelings out so I could read them and do exercises. I guess it still is but sometimes it feels like a chore. I don’t want to just rant here because it doesn’t solve much. Usually I try to be open and honest to myself about how I’m feeling and offer myself a solution/suggestion. And I like doing it publicly because I feel no need to write something only my eyes will see. If I keep everything in, it’ll just bottle up like crazy. I always want someone to hear how I feel or at least have the potential to. I strongly doubt anyone actually reads anything here which is kind of a good thing. Its enough for me to know it’s possible. 

3:36 PM

I keep getting in these deep ruts and I keep pulling myself out of them at some point. I just want to be able to catch them sooner. 

I remembered that my self worth shouldn’t be based on who I currently am, but who I’m trying to be. What matters is that I’m always putting in effort to do good for myself and others. It’s hard to remember that sometimes because everything demands time and patience. If I keep putting in the work, little by little I’ll become a better person. I have up until this point.

The work is what matters. If I put time into anything, that means I’m on the right path. 

5:23 PM

I feel like I’m masking/constantly fighting off this feeling of giga-misery at everything wrong in my life. Like it will never go away unless I keep making progress improving things. But it takes so long to do that and the whole time I have this massive pit in my chest about it. Whenever I get into a depressing rut, its that mask deteriorating but I always manage to bring it back and chug forward. I can only hope this deep despair goes away with self improvement. 

6:42 PM

WOOF what a night already. I dont even know what to do right now or the rest of the evening. My mental stamina has just been exhausted in an uncomfortable situation. It looks like no besties will be available tonight but I don’t want to be alone. And I don’t want to hang out with just anyone, sometimes like right now I’d rather be with someone I’m extra comfortable with. I want to CHILL. I need a plan. It’ll probably be a firm drink and VRchat solo world hopping. Or more drama, who knows. 

[startledbirb]

..

[taystarotoverload]

Things YOU need to know about your FS

☻︎ using my new romance deck! i will be giving facts abt their personality, their icks, and things you may need to know abt them!

☻︎ cards read from left -> right

PILE 1

☻︎ four of wands - seven of swords - knight of cups - page of swords - seven of pentacles - king of wands - king of swords - eight of cups

so pile one, your fs is very lovey dovey. i see your fs loves to be in your presence, they long to be by you when you’re apart. im seeing that they will take you on lots of dates! whatever you’re comfortable with, but you should definitely expect them to spoil you in some way. so just an fyi, they’re not clingy. i’m seeing that in their past they were abandoned and used, and maybe even cheated on, and so they had lost a lot of trust and became a bit insecure in some parts of their life due to this. but with you they just know. they know their meant to be with you, so i see even if they’re a bit cautious at first, they will have so much trust with you. i’m also seeing that your person is one to gossip!! expect lots of secrets being told to you… i see that they can be a bit petty from time to time, but really they gossip. i see someone close to them telling them a very personal secret and they’re IMMEDIATELY telling you.

☻︎ their icks

- they dislike when one person has more power over others. this is seen especially with big company’s, i see they dont like when managers or teams make all of the decisions instead of talking to others? i see for a few of you, they could complain abt their work at times due to these things bothering them.

- another one is being very harsh with the truth. pile 1, your person is the type to come off easy to you. they will be honest but they won’t be straightforward to hurt your feelings or others. i see that your person is generally a nice person, and they just aren’t into the harsh truth.

- this one really speaks loudly. your person hates being stepped on or abandoned. this is definitely seen in their past, especially with relationships. they find people to leave your life unexpectedly in the dirt to be immature and they look down on it.

ORACLE: Past-Life Relationship - New Love

“ you have known each other before “

“ a new person has stirred your romantic feelings “

so pile 1, this person is definitely new. for some of you, you may have already met this person, but for the rest this person is new. i also see that you have had a past life with them, maybe that’s why they trust you so much. their spirit knows that you two are meant to be. i see that you to will be very attracted to each other when you first meet, but words may or may not be exchanged.

PILE 2

☻︎ queen of pentacles - the high priestess - eight of cups - the hanged one - nine of cups - five of wands - page of pentacles rev - the lovers rev.

so i see that your person is very caring and understanding. they have a very gentle soul and like to see everyone’s side to an argument. i heard the word ‘intellectual’ while shuffling so take that as you wish. another thing is your person struggles with making decision. i see many things being handed to them at the same time that it causes them to retreat and avoid making big or small decisions. i see that they are so careful tho. especially with your emotions; they never want to hurt your feelings over anything. they may be the first to apologize in an argument.

☻︎ their icks

- so like i’ve said; this person hates conflict. they hate drama and getting into fights. i see your person as very calm and quiet and so they don’t get into really much conflict. but when they do they try to come to an understanding with the other.

- so i’m seeing that they hate lack of progress and procrastination. though they avoid making decisions, they’re not proud of it. they are ashamed of that part of them self and seems to get lost in trying to fix it. (i see this ick is strong towards themself)

- they HATE lack of communication and understanding. like i’ve said, in conflict they try to see eye to eye or atleast talk to then abt it, but if the other person can not be mature with them they lose their respect towards them. i see that they prefer when people talk to them as a human instead of a child.

ORACLE: Give your relationship a chance - passion

“ work on your partnership “

“ allow your heart and soul to sing with joy! “

so i’m seeing that you may already know who this person is. they seem to be already in communication with you. maybe a relationship is starting up or an old connection is coming back. you may have drifted away from this person in the past and now you’re coming back to eachother with much stronger feelings. i see that you need to allow these feelings and energy’s to flow, they may be very overwhelming but if you allow this energy to balance itself out your connection and energy will be much stronger. as will your feelings with this person.

PILE 3

☻︎ knight of pentacles - knight of wands - knight of cups - eight of wands - the world - queen of pentacles - six of pentacles rev - ten of swords

so what i’m seeing for you pile three is your person is always motivated. they are always doing something! when they say they’re busy, they’re busy! i see that your person loves the grind and loves to do work. they may like to work outside (farmer perhaps?) and also are just very outdoorsy. i see that your person is very fast paced. i also get the feeling that so will be your relationship. your person may struggle with working too long and overworking themselves. anyways, with your relationship i see that you may not be friends for that long when you start your relationship. things may move fairly quickly and so you’ll learn a lot in the years you date. your person is also very romantic, i see gifting as a thing they enjoy doing.

☻︎ their icks

- i see they hate quiet and calm places. (very opposite of pile 2). they have to always be doing something! they were definitely that kid in class that was always making noise cause they just can’t be still for too long.

- i see that they hate when people aren’t appreciated. especially when people are healing and have self care, and they’re looked down or looked at as someone totally invisible. they get protective. i see that especially with you, they will appreciate you for whatever growth you have no matter how small.

- they hate being stabbed in the back. toxic friends that go behind you, they despise it. i see they aren’t afraid to cut people out of their life if they have to, they never let anyone tear down their self esteem.

ORACLE: Getting to know each other - very soon

“ as you reveal your innermost selves to each other, your bond deepens “

“ clearly decide what you want do that it comes to you now. “

so this one is iffy… for some of you, you don’t know this person. for others, you have recently met them. i’m seeing that for the few of you who don’t know them, they are very quickly coming into your life. you will meet them when you don’t even realize it. for the ones who have already met them, right now is the moment to really get to know yourself. for all of you, like i said, this relationship will move pretty quickly and may make it a bit difficult to learn abt each other at first. which is why you should also try to find out the things abt yourself! find your quirks and your icks! this will help you especially when meeting this person again!